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Howard started off the show saying he was up at 3 o'clock this morning and that he blamed it on Beth. He said he felt her move in bed so he blamed her for the whole thing. He said that he never even really calls her Beth and claimed that he calls her Artie instead.
Artie apparently had a mini-breakdown this morning so Howard asked him about that. He didn't have any Hawaiian punch in their kitchen so he ran upstairs to the kitchen up there and found it. He said the kitchen up there is bigger and is always stocked with stuff. He said he's suffering through a water right now because he couldn't get up there before the show. Howard said he could make a quick dash up there right now if he needs to.
Artie said he was eating a toasted bagel and had to wash it down with water instead of juice. Artie ate the bagel and told Jason that maybe one of the interns should run up and get the Hawaiian Punch with lots of ice. Artie was chewing the bagel on mic so Howard told him he was going to turn it off while he did that. Artie said he was doing that as a joke and he was done.
Artie told Howard that he's depressed because of the NY Giants loss yesterday. He went down to a sports bar to watch the game and got depressed after they lost. Howard asked Artie about the games and why they do certain things toward the end of the game. He said that if a team is in field goal range, they should just kick the ball. Artie said there are a lot of theories as to why they don't do that but no one is sure why it doesn't happen.
Howard and the guys also talked about the Jets game. Howard said he watched both the Jets and the Giants so he had a very manly day yesterday. Artie was saying that the Eagles were really good yesterday and he's willing to admit that. He said that the Giants were just playing a better team yesterday. Howard said that if the Giants had won yesterday, they probably would have lost the next week anyway.
Artie said that he loves how the Cowboys lost their game and he's still happy about that. He said the place he went to watch the game was filled with hot chicks. Howard took a call from a woman who talked a little bit about the Eagles game. They talked about this quarterback Garcia and how well he did. Artie said he hopes that the rumors about the guy are true and that they get to the Super Bowl with some fruit. The guys made sure to say that they said that the guy isn't gay and he's been seen dating hot chicks after that.
Howard and Artie talked about one of the coaches and talked about how goofy the guy looked with his moustache. Ralph called in a short time later and said that the moustache look is really a white trash look in his opinion. Howard talked about the moustache he had back when he was starting out and how goofy he looked. He said that a woman doesn't like that and can't possibly enjoy it. He said that his moustache was just disgusting and smelly. Gary used to have a moustache too and Ralph said that he looked like Borat with it. Artie used to have one and Ralph said he thought he kind of looked good with it.
Howard said he watched Artie's David Letterman appearance and said that when Dave held up the DVD cover, he looked so much different. He looked huge on Letterman. Howard said he looks smaller in person. Artie said he wore a turtleneck on Letterman and that was a huge mistake. It was the only clean shirt he had though.
Howard said Ralph wanted to have a business meeting with him but he won't be doing that. He goofed on Ralph a little bit about that. Then he talked about how he was watching Battlestar Galactica's second season and the Jets-Giants game in HD. He said he broke that up with a chess game that took 2 hours. He said he was about to check mate the guy when he backed out of the game and said he had to go. He said that was really gay of the guy to pull something like that. He said that he could report the guy so he would have to forfeit the game to him though.
Howard said he started that chess game at 6 in the morning yesterday. Artie said that is so foreign to him, he can't imagine getting up that early on a Sunday morning. Howard said he ended up calling Ralph later in the morning and had this ''business meeting'' with him on the phone instead of in person. He didn't want to stare at his face during that meeting.
Robin asked Howard if those questions are something he could have asked at some other time. Howard said they've been having those discussions for 20 years. He said Ralph just wanted to make it official. Ralph said that if he can get the new episodes of Battlestar Galictica before they're released on DVD, he'll stop bothering him with those problems. Howard said he'd see what he could do. Howard said Beth has been wondering what he's up to with the Battlestar Galictica stuff.
Artie said that the poker game was at some Portuguese restaurant in Newark. He said he won $12,500 playing on that game. There were a few tables there and he was doing pretty good. He said that was nice and a beautiful thing. He was still bummed out by the Giants loss though.
Artie said that Saturday was a lost day for him. He ended up at a diner that night and went home and then slept until noon. He came back and his door man told him he had a couple of packages. He had some business stuff going on and one of the things was that FOX wants him to do an animated series. He said that would be perfect for him because he would just have to read his lines and go home. He said he only read his own part so he's not sure what the rest of the show is about.
Howard said that he's gotten some scripts but he can't read them because he's got Battlestar Galictica to watch. He said he just doesn't have time to read the script and the guy must think he hates it even though he hasn't read it. Artie said that the only kind of reading that makes you dumber is reading Sitcom scripts.
Howard said he had a balanced weekend because he banged Beth. He said they went out one night and he got all boned up while they were out. He said she looked really good and when they got home, he asked her to wear her mini-skirt and her high heels for him. She thought that was ridiculous but he told her what he wanted to do to her in that mini-skirt. She turned down two of the four things he told her he wanted to do.
Howard asked Gary to get Beth on the phone so he could ask her if he could talk about this stuff. That led to Ralph asking if it was a tossing the salad thing. Then they brought up Robin talking about how she has had her salad tossed in the past. Robin said that Mr. X has done that and other guys have as well.
Artie said that one time he and Dana were going to a movie one time when he kind of got worked up over what she was wearing. He said they ended up going back to his apartment instead of going to the movie.
Beth was on the phone so Howard picked that up. She said that she was drying Bianca off while that was going on. Howard told Beth about what they were talking about in the car the other night when she turned him down on some of the things he brought up. Beth wondered why he even brought it up. Howard said that there were a couple of things that didn't go down and wanted to know if she was okay with him talking about it. He didn't want to fuck up their relationship by talking about it.
Beth seemed to be okay with it as long as they knew that it's what she didn't do. Howard went on to explain how he wanted to bend her over the table in his dressing room at the apartment. He said he wanted her to keep her heels on but she wanted to take them off. Then he said that he wanted to lick her from behind. She didn't want to do that. She just wanted him to do her from behind instead. Ralph told him he should have just gone for it. Howard said that doesn't work with her.
Beth told everyone about how she got in trouble for waking Howard up last night just because she rolled over in bed. Howard had already told that story. He got back to the sex story and told the guys how maybe Beth didn't want his big nose back there if he had gone in to lick her. He said it is almost the size of a penis so maybe she didn't want it in there.
The guys asked Robin when she had her salad tossed. She wasn't talking and said that it doesn't happen all the time. Howard told Beth that she should be prepared tonight because he's going to places he's never gone before.
Tim came in and said that he doesn't have Artie's number. Artie thanked him for the gift but he just wasn't able to use them. Tim said that the tickets weren't printed up until the last minute. Artie said he was going to take the hit for that whole thing since he didn't get to those packages.
Artie said that Tim Sabean went to Letterman with him last week and they had all kinds of food back stage. They were both eating a bunch of it. That led to Howard asking what the guys wanted to eat on this plane trip they're taking to Florida. Fred was up first so he asked for some grilled chicken and strawberries. Robin asked for grilled vegetables. Artie said he'd like some cold cuts and some bread. He was up for just about anything.
Gary came in and said he'd have some shrimp just to entertain the guys on the flight. Beth is in charge of the catering so that's why they were going over the menu. Howard asked Benjy what he wanted to eat on the flight. Benjy said he'd pick up anything that fell on the floor. Then he said he'd take any vegetables raw. He said that any healthy bread and some meats for his girlfriend. He said she loves steak too but he told Beth she doesn't have to do that.
Artie said that he and Tim looked like quite a team over at Letterman and he wondered if they had their picture taken. He said they looked like they were shoved into their seats there because they're both so fat. Tim Sabean said that he just wanted a grilled chicken salad for the flight down. He said that he hates mayonnaise while talking about that. Then Gary came in and said that Tim is a liar and he loves to eat that kind crap from Del Fresco.
Gary asked Howard and Robin what they're going to be doing for gifts for Bubba. They had already talked about it a while ago but he wasn't sure what that was all about. Gary said that Bubba has a web site where everyone could RSVP. He said he wasn't able to get into the site but they have their whole registry there. They have directions to the wedding and stuff like that in there as well. Howard wanted to go on the site and let the whole audience in there to see what's going on.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why that Berry Faced Faggot has to call people white trash and shit. He was referring to the discussion about the coach with the bad moustache. The guy was kind of upset with him over that and goofed on Ralph for a short time before Howard hung up on him.
Ralph said he had the name of Bubba's web site and wondered if he should give it out. Howard told him not to give it out. A few seconds later he had it up on his screen. He was checking out the cartoon pictures of Bubba and Heather. Howard asked Beth if she wanted to go out to the strip club with the guys when they're down there.
Artie asked for any suit stores down in Tampa to send him a suit if they wanted to. Beth then volunteered to go out and get him a suit today but he really didn't want her doing that. Howard got back to the Bubba web site and read some of they stuff they have on there. They had a whole write-up about how they met and what great parents they are. Howard read that stuff but there weren't a lot of details there.
Howard read the list of the guys who are going to be in the wedding party. He had 4 best men for the wedding and Howard was thinking of calling him to tell him that he's got no spine if he has to have four best men.
Howard said that he's going to bring a bathing suit with him down there because the weather has been in the 80s. Artie said that what he and Beth are doing is really nice. They're all flying down and getting hotel rooms courtesy of Howard. Beth said that they'll all be getting their packets with their information today.
Robin asked to see their registry information. They are registered at Macy's and Williams Sonoma so Beth thought that maybe they should buy something from the registry. Howard looked at some of the stuff on the list and there were aluminum covered pans that he was checking out. He figured that Heather must like to bake cakes and stuff. Artie said that he loves cake...
Brent Hatley, one of Bubba's four best men, called in so Howard said that maybe Brent can hang by the pool when they go down. Brent said that they're going to be working on Friday so maybe they should all stop by and have a few drinks before they go out to eat. Artie will be there without a woman so Howard asked him if he's going to be drinking heavily because he'll be depressed. Artie said he's going to try and pace himself and won't be all depressed.
Howard asked Brent what's going on with Bubba's 4 best men. Brent didn't want to be in the middle of that and said that he'll push Hulk Hogan right up to the front of that whole thing. He also said that they're going to have tons of camera crews there. They have the Howard TV camera crews, Bubba's cameras and Hulk Hogan's camera crew there.
Howard said he was up at K-Rock one day after doing his show. The Real World cameras were there shooting the cast of Real World up there and it was the gayest thing ever. They cover every second of them and it's really gay. He said they started to put the camera on him but he made sure they didn't get him.
Brent said that the wedding isn't until like 7 o'clock on Saturday so they have plenty of time to hang out that day. Artie said he's been to The Dollhouse down there and it's a great strip club. Robin won't be going because she'll be there with her nephew. She said he's not going to that club even if he is old enough to go. Artie wants to bring him there as well so he can get his 20 year old pipes cleaned.
Howard asked Beth if she wants to go to the club. She seemed to be up for it. He said he likes it when she's surrounded by strippers. Beth asked if Ralph was all set up for going down. Ralph said he had his flight and he'll be staying with his mom while he's down there. Robin said that she has an extra room if he wants that. Ralph took her up on that offer.
Artie said he was kind of upset with Robin for planning her nephew's trip down there. He said the kid might want to have some fun. Robin said that it's not up to him to show him how to have fun. Howard agreed with Robin and said that he could never recover from something like that. Artie didn't think that was the case but Howard told him that the kid needs to concentrate on rockets, not on strippers.
Robin said that she and her nephew are going to be hanging out with astronauts down there while the guys are at the strip club. Beth said she might go with them instead of the strip club but Howard said she'd going to be with him the whole time. He had to go to break a short time later.
Gary read that they outsold XM 3-1 in the last quarter of 2006. They also went from having only 26 percent of the market share to 44 percent in only 2 years. That led to Howard talking about how the New York Times interviewed him the other day and they were impressed with those numbers that he showed them.
Howard said that he had printed out a really long article about all of that stuff and tried to find it. He got a little distracted when he saw an article about Carrie Underwood is dating Tony Romo from the Cowboys. That made him sick.
Howard found the article he was talking about (A year after getting Sirius, Stern's entertaining as ever) and read through that a little bit. He said it was too long to read the whole thing. He also mentioned that David Hinkley wrote up some nice stuff about him as well. He told the guys to link the story from his web site so people could read it.
Sal said that Eric is really tiny and he has this weird chest thing going on. He said it's almost like a turkey with a big head on it. Sal said that Eric called him over at one point and said that they had a problem. Then he said that he wasn't two foot three in the song he sang about him. Sal said the guy is a sweet little guy and when you shake his hand it's like shaking a dog's paw or something. They said that he was great to hang out with.
Sal told Howard that the bouncers had to bring his chair up on stage first while some guy held him like a baby. There was no ramp to get his wheelchair up there. The crowd was chanting his name as he was being brought up there. Howard wondered if he could get laid. Sal and Richard didn't seem to think that would happen.
Eric the Midget called in and said that they were ripping him after he was so nice to them. Eric was complaining about the comments they were making and said that he's 3' 5'' tall and the comments about him being shorter is just wrong. Sal said that he's that tall when he's in his wheelchair.
Eric said that the morons who are listening to the show will think that he's really only two foot three because of Sal's song. No one was sure why he was so worried about that. Eric said that the cut off for a little person is 4'10'' tall. Howard said that they were saying only nice things about him though.
Eric got to go to a tittie club with them. Howard asked him if he beat off when he got home. Eric said he didn't but Howard didn't believe him. Howard asked him how many times a day he beats off. Eric wasn't talking so Howard figures it has to be two times a day. Sal told him to tell the story about how he beat off to some woman with big boobs who came over one time. He said that this chick let him feel her up one time and that's when he did that.
Richard asked how he works out the tissue thing. Eric said he gets set up before he rolls over. Sal did his impression of Eric rolling over to the tissues while Fred was playing the power wheelchair sound effects. Howard said that if he ever does see Brook Hogan, he will let her know that he said hello like he asked them to do.
Artie said that it looks like Sal is wearing a lot of make up in the picture they took at the comedy show. Howard said that it looks like Eric dyes his hair but Eric claims that he doesn't. Then they noticed that he looks kind of like Jackie the Joke Man.
Howard asked Richard if he's really wearing the same shirt that he was wearing on Saturday night at the comedy show. Sal said that Richard wore the same clothes for 3 days. He didn't bring a change of clothes to California. Richard said that he was in a rush to get there today so he just grabbed the same shirt he wore over the weekend. Richard didn't take a shower over the weekend either. Richard said he didn't do that because he didn't sweat.
Then they fond out that Richard doesn't wash his jeans because he spent so much money on them. He doesn't want to have them stolen at the Laundromat. Howard said that Will shit his pant the other day when he though he just had to fart. Will said that he made a mess in his pants and had to clean up in the bathroom. He said his boxers caught most of it but he it was quite a mess. He brought the underwear home with him.
Howard got back to Richard and wondered how he can keep wearing that shit for so long. Howard heard that he brings a candle with him to the hotel room to cover up the stink. He said that Richard is like some guy who lives in the 1800s or something.
Eric said that it was fun hanging with those guys but not fun hearing them talking about him the way they were. They pointed out his turkey breast physique and things like that. Howard said that he looks like a chicken himself and everyone else has their own odd looks. Sal and Richard said that everyone there loved him. Eric said it did feel good when he was up on the stage with everyone chanting his name. Howard had Eric talk a little bit while Fred was playing his buzzer sound effect for Eric's ''Ehh'' sounds. Eric told Howard that people love to hear Johnny Fratto on the show and it sucks when they rush him off all the time. Eric wished Howard a Happy Birthday a little early as Howard let him go.
Lisa G got back to her news preview and said they'll have a story about Beth and an article she's going to be featured in. They will also have a story about chuck Zito possibly dating Pam Anderson. Chuck's show will be on Howard 101 tonight at 7pm.
Shatner kept going and said that he was going to keep delivering the lines the way the guy had told him to. The guy said he felt wrong by even saying anything to him. Shatner really jerked the guy around for a couple of minutes.
Howard said that Shatner does have a point in a way but he sure dragged it out and was being a real dick to him. Howard goofed on the guy as well and said that it is kind of funny how he asked him to deliver it a certain way. Howard thought Shatner's first delivery was fine and natural. Howard thought the whole tape was pretty good.
Howard said that her wish was to be a guest at the studio so he let her come in. He was hoping that she'd scream and yell when she came in. He said she should have seized this opportunity when she was like 20, not when she's 40.
Susan told Howard that she was a mess when she was in her 20s so she actually looks better now at 40. She used to weigh 265 pounds. Artie said that he last weighed 287 so he's just a little bigger than she was back then. Howard read some of her letter and she's Italian and claims to be attracted to black guys than white. She's got no friends and won't be doing anything special on her birthday so she wanted to come in and meet him on that day. There she was, in the studio.
Howard said she wasn't so interesting as a guest on the radio but he said he would take a picture with her. Gary was saying that she was insinuating that she can only get black guys because they're the only ones attracted to her body type. She said she's had about 7 guys in her life and they've been mostly black. She's had about 3 white guys.
Susan said the black guys like bigger women so that's how she was able to get guys even when she was 265 pounds. She also told Howard that he shouldn't have such a hang up about anal. She said that there's always a chance that there will be some residue back there. She said she's had that problem and it's really not a big deal. Howard said he had residue when he did a chick anally one time.
Howard asked Susan about the guy who did her in the ass and if he was black. He did his black impression and asked her if he sounded like that. She said he was very educated and didn't sound like that at all. She also told Howard that if a woman sticks something up his ass, it's not gay. She said that she's put a dildo up a guy's ass and it's not gay if a woman is doing it. Howard said that is gay but she really didn't think it was.
Susan said that a guy can have a great orgasm if he's stimulated back there. Howard said he doesn't want anything going in there. Artie said it sure feels good when something is leaving that area though. He loves taking a shit. Howard said he has had a little bit of a pinkie in back there but that's it.
Howard told Susan that she's lucky she wasn't the victim of a drive-by after doing something with a dildo on a black guy. He asked her about the guy doing anal and what happened when he pulled out. She said there was a little residue back there but it wasn't that bad. Howard asked her how she knew. She said that he got up and saw stuff on there so she got embarrassed and apologized for it.
Susan said that sex is messy, it's just a part of life. Howard said it's not messy the way he does it. He was doing his black voice and saying that he could see that she had been eating corn and joking around about that stuff. Howard also pointed out that she had some peppers, corn and peanuts as well. They had some fun goofing on her about that stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about this woman's vagina possibly being loose and that's why guys like to give her anal. She said she's not loose down there so his theory was wrong. They spent a short time on that and then another caller said that she's bullshitting about the dildo thing. He said that she's slandering the black man by saying that.
Howard said he had a woman when he was single and she took his wiener and shoved it in her butt and it was kind of great. He said she was a famous chick too and she did it without missing a beat. He said there was no residue back there either. He said that may have been what made her famous... and she was married at the time. She was famous and married. Artie said someone has to get Howard extra loaded at Bubba's wedding so he can find out who this chick was.
Howard said he saw this chick many times and she told him that he was very special. He wouldn't say who this chick was though. The guys joked that it was Penny Crone. Howard said her husband wasn't famous and he probably didn't know that they were messing around. He did see him out at an event one time and it was kind of uncomfortable. He said he would never do something like that again.
Artie and Howard talked about the pinkie up the ass thing. Howard said he tends to clench up when that happens. Artie said he's never had that happen so he wouldn't know about that. Artie said that he's really horrified about something like that because he doesn't even like to be naked. He said that he's always self-conscious around chicks when he's naked.
Howard said that women tell him that Artie is a good looking guy when he's thin. He said he really is good looking when he has a jaw line.
Howard thanked Susan for coming in and asked her if she wanted to stick her finger in his ass. Howard told Will to escort her out a short time later. He thanked her for coming in and let her go a short time later.
Artie said that woman is just a year older than him and he's probably been a fan of Howard's show for just as long as her. Howard couldn't get over the anal story and the remnants that she left on the guy. He can't imagine going back in there after coming out with something on there. Artie said that God had the right combo when he came up with the penis in the vagina... That's the best according to Artie.
Howard wondered who gets in trouble for that, the guy who left the mic on or the guy who cursed. Artie said that the guy who said ''fuck'' is always the guy who takes the fall. Howard said that's just not right though.
Artie said that he just had the weirdest phenomenon happen to him. He said that about 14 years ago he knew this comedian and thought he was kind of talented. He said he lost track of him for a while and wondered what had happened to him over the years. He just glanced down at the paper and saw that he's the voice of Sponge Bob Square Pants. He's got to be worth a billion dollars now. He said that it's this guy Tom Kenny who he knew back then.
Artie said he's pretty sure the guy is making millions from that job and he had thought that he had dropped out of show business. Howard didn't think there was that much money in that but according to the article, he was making millions. Artie was happy for the guy and glad he had made it. The guys talked about the Sponge Bob character and Howard did some impressions of that.
Howard said that they had the Napier brothers there. They've been on the show before but today they brought in a chick that they claim is the hottest chick he'll ever see. He went to break right after that so they could get them in there.
In the call Blue calls a guy by the name of Fonzie and asks to get into his band. She sang for him and asked him to do some stuff to her but he was ready to hang up on her and did just that a short time later.
Howard said he likes that they have to come up with those lines for her. He still didn't think the call was all that good but Gary found it hysterical. Artie said it wasn't one of her stronger calls so he probably would have cut that one himself. Howard said there were a couple of guys who were behind that call so that's why he played it. Artie said that her calls are usually very strong and that one just didn't cut it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard once tried out for a cartoon voice where he was going to play the voice of a dog. Howard said that was a cartoon he was producing that never made it. Another caller asked Howard about doing a movie where he'd have to play a serious role. Howard said he wants to do a comedy but if he got the right part, he might do it.
Howard said that if little kids can play serious parts, he can do it too. Robin thought that he wouldn't be able to play the part of an 18th century guy or something like Johnny Depp's character in Pirates of the Caribbean. Howard figures he could do it. Artie added that if you're in a costume, it helps you get into the roll better.
Howard said that this chick Christina was claiming she was a perfect 10 but he said she's not model hot. He said for a normal chick was very hot though. He asked the guys how they found her. The guys said that she got in touch with them. Howard asked if they had sex with her. Christina answered for them and said that she didn't sleep with them. She's 22 years old and Howard told her not to get any older than that.
Howard wanted to know how Christina met these guys. One of the guys said that she was his bitch. She said that she doesn't do black guys so he figured he was lying. Howard asked her if she's sleeping with him or not. She said she wasn't. Then Howard asked either Mike or Terrence if he was lying and to swear on the life of his mother. He wouldn't do that. He said that they told her what to say and prepared her for the show. They said that she was told she might ruin her career if she said she banged a black guy so that's why they told her not to admit it.
Christina eventually admitted that she is dating the guy so the Napiers were telling the truth. Howard asked what kind of wild stuff they've done. She said that they did it in a movie theater one time. The guys were telling Howard that they don't find black chicks that hot. They said that they're mostly fat chicks.
Howard asked how Christina felt when these guys said that they were only fucking her so they could get hot white chicks. She didn't seem to care much. That led to the guys talking about how they're angry at the white man so that's another reason they bang the white chicks.
Christina didn't mind the way the guys were talking about her. She was laughing as they were talking about that stuff. Howard asked the guys how they had sex in the movie theater. She said she wears underwear so she just bent over and let him pull her underwear to the side.
Howard read notes about Christina and found that she finds herself to be a 10 and that she's been told that she looks like Demi Moore. Howard asked these guys how much money they make and they claimed that they're doing just fine. They said that they sell these chicks to magazines and stuff and that's how they make money. They don't keep them around for long and just get rid of them.
Howard figured they were managing this chick. The guy who is dating her said that he's done with her after this because he doesn't need her anymore. Howard asked her to get naked since that's what the guys claimed she was all about. She started to leave as if she was going to get changed but Howard told her to stay there and just strip down.
Fred played a drum roll and then she pulled out her boobs. Howard was surprised they were real. Howard said she did have a great body and told the guy who's dating her that he's doing good for himself. Gary pointed out she had a little bit of a happy trail going on there. He said it works on her.
Howard said that she may just be perfect like these guys claimed. Artie went over and felt her up to see if her boobs were real and he said they were real alright. Howard told the guys they did bring in a fine bitch here. He said that she has a DVD out called Exotica that the guys produced. They have a few other girls on the DVD as well.
Howard had Christina ride the Sybian. They quickly stuck her on there and had Gary pump up the power slowly until she started to feel something. Christina said she wasn't sure if she could get off on that thing or not. Gary jacked up the power a little more and kept going up trying to get her to feel something. She was laughing and said it was too much for her. She didn't think she could get off on it so Howard told her to take it down.
Howard said that the Sybian isn't working for people lately. He took a call from a guy who said that these guys were no good so the Napiers told him to get off the phone. The guy said that these guys have never done anything good. Some other guys called in to complain about their appearance. They cursed them all out. One guy told Howard to get them off the show.
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who told Christina to get away from these guys. He said that they're very pompous and she should just get out. She doesn't need these assholes to help her out if she's that hot. Howard told Christina that she is hot and then took a call from Seven who said that he bangs white bitches as well. Sal came in and told the guys that they're going to keep him in business forever with their thoughts on all of this stuff. Howard gave Christina a plug for her DVD and said you can get it at 8BallModels.com.
Howard told the Napier brothers to keep in touch and let him know what they're up to. Artie sarcastically said that would be great and they really should keep in touch. Howard asked Christina if she would dump these guys for the show. She said that's a possibility. The Napiers said that they would send her up anytime and would let her go if they wanted her.
Howard spent a few more minutes with the guys asking them about how they make money. They were saying that they handle women like this and that led to Artie saying that this chick could bring in like $7500 if she was a whore out in Vegas. Artie said that would be just to fuck her. The Napiers said that there are guys who would be willing to pay $2500 just to put a dildo into her.
Howard asked Christina where her parents are. She said they don't know what she does. She left home when she was 18 years old and doesn't tell them what she does. She said they thinks he does promotional stuff but don't know exactly what it is. Howard wrapped up with the guys and went to break a short time later.
Artie said that Sal pulled a trick on him and used an exploding pen on him out in the hall. He said that Christina was the chick who wanted him to sign the paper and he didn't care that it exploded, he was mesmerized by that chick.
Howard heard that Sal and Richard went on a tour of some gay clubs out in San Francisco. He said he doesn't understand that. Richard came in and said they were out there and were kind of curious about the club scene out there. Howard said that they can go anywhere out there and it would never occur to him to go on a gay bar tour. Richard said it's funny, that's why they did it.
Sal said that's the culture out there and they wanted to see how guys act at the gay bars. He said they saw one guy there who was in the military and sneaking in some cock. Richard said they were dancing on a bar and stuff like that out there. Artie said he thinks that these guys are gay and Sal would bang Richard if he would just shower.
Howard asked who wrote this announcement that he had on his desk. Benjy had passed him a note about something going on in the city. Howard didn't want to cause a scare so he kept it quiet until they got confirmation. Howard got back to Sal and Richard and said that he just doesn't get them and why they do this gay shit.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and said that they really do act gay and they went sight seeing out there when they were in San Francisco. Howard said that he just went into his bathroom earlier and found that there was a gas odor in his bathroom and there's a really bad gas smell out in the whole city. The smell is all over the building and they're now worried that there's something weird going on.
Howard was ready to leave with the rest of the guys as well. That was the story that Benjy had passed along to them earlier. The story is on the news stations there. Gary heard that Penny Crone is already outside of the building so Howard was ready to get the hell out of there as well. Howard said he'd stay until noon but he was out of there at 9:29am...
Gary said that he probably would have died on 9/11 if he had done what he wanted to do back then. Howard was getting reports from 1010 WINS that the source wasn't clear. Doug Goodstein came in and said that there's a huge fuel spill down by the In Demand offices downtown. There's some kind of fuel spill down in that area.
Gary said that no one is covering it and they're checking all of the news channels and there's not one report on there. They flipped through all of the news channels and found nothing. Tim Sabean came in a short time later and said that they have a news conference coming up soon on FOX news so they'll get that on. Robin read a report but it had no new details.
Ronnie came in and said that he heard there's nothing to worry about but that means nothing. Howard took a call from a guy who told them to get the fuck out of there. Robin said she asked Jon Hein what he was going to do with the Wrap Up Show but even he didn't know.
Gary came back in and said that there's a gas leak in Jersey City and it can be smelled all the way over in the city. They're looking into it right now and they've suspended subway service in Jersey City. Howard took some other calls and people were saying that there are news reports coming up.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to talk about his wife sticking her finger up his ass. Howard took a call from Shuli who said that both Sal and Penny were out there freaking out. Penny got on the phone and told Howard to get out of the studios. Howard tuned into a news cast on a local TV channel and when they brought up how far it was spreading, Howard said that was enough for him and he was ready to leave.
Howard joked that he has a bunker in his apartment that he can go to. Steve Langford came in and said that they have a report from the news wire but they had already read it. It wasn't clear where the smell was actually coming from. Steve said that they have evacuated some buildings in the city.
Artie called in and said he didn't know they were going back on the air. He said that he and Scott DePace are having a cheese steak out at a deli. Artie said that people are in a panic. Howard said he was going to leave but he was just standing in the hall doing nothing. Artie said he would come back but Howard told him not to bother.
Artie said that DePace was freaking out so he left with him. Robin goofed on Scott saying that he's the one who believes in President Bush so he should feel safe. Another woman called in and told them to get the fuck out of the building. Another guy said they were all pussies if they leave. That guy said they're better off inside than out but no one knew for sure.
Howard said that they have no way to get out of there because they're on the 30-something floor of their building. Howard said that he's better off on the street. Dominic Barbara called in and said that he can smell it downtown and they really should leave the building. Howard said he was ready to go again and took some more calls from people who told him to just get the hell out of the building. Howard said he's such a workaholic that he didn't want to leave, but they did a show until almost 10 o'clock.
Robin said that if someone was trying to kill them, they'd probably make a gas that had no smell. Tim Sabean came in and said that there is no threat, it's just a smell. The smell is worse outside than inside so maybe they should stay. Howard said he didn't want to be on the 36th floor when he has to scramble.
Howard said that there are people passing out in Times Square according to this caller. Gary came running into the studio and said that's their building on FOX TV. Howard saw that and said that it was time to get out of there. The guys told Robin that she should get on the Sybian and ride it before they all die.
Shuli came in and said that Penny Crone was down smoking 3 Newports as they were out in the gas smell downstairs. Howard said he was getting a headache from this and wanted to get going. He told Tim he was going to end the show.
Robin wanted to do some news stories but Howard figured they'd done enough of a show. Then he turned on the news report and was about to leave. Then Artie called back in and said that the gay channel is still on so maybe he should come back. Howard said he has no idea what to do. Scott Depace didn't know what to do and they were just sitting there in the car. Artie said that it's funny how Howard can't abandon his own show.
Artie said that the pretzel guy outside the Lincoln Tunnel is closing up. He said he might be Al Qaeda. Howard let him go and turned on the local news report. Howard said that Captain Janks should be calling in saying that this smell is from Howard Stern's ass.
Gary said that Sal is still using his exploding pen trick while there's the smell of gas there in the city. Howard said they should be able to go without worrying about it. Howard took another call from a guy who said that The Today Show is still on the air and they're right near them. Gary heard that Macy's had just been evacuated so maybe they should just go.
Howard tuned in and out of the local news and still didn't know what to do. Another guy told him not to be a pussy and to just stay there. Howard said he's no pussy, he wants to go out and kick some terrorist ass. Ronnie came back and said that people are running out of the building so scared that maybe they should get out. Howard said that they should leave.
Gary read a news report where they say that there are building evacuating all over the city. The caller was still telling Howard that he had to stick around and he was a pussy if he didn't. The guy was also calling Artie a pussy for leaving and not coming back. Tim said that Artie is actually heading back toward the gas smell.
Bobo called in and said that this could be a terrorist attack so he really should get out of there. Howard let him go and asked Steve Langford what he should do. Steve said it's probably time to get out. He'll be sticking around though. Howard blasted a fart into the mic in honor of this gas smell that was going on.
Howard wrapped up the show and said that they'll be back tomorrow. He was about to leave but Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told them to leave and always go by their first instinct and just get out of there. Howard took another call from a guy who said that this was the best show since 9/11 and they should stay there and keep doing the show.
Tim Sabean said he got a report that the subways were running normally. Then a caller said that the cops are working on it and if they stay in the building, they should be fine. Howard said he was going to say goodbye to Robin just in case he does die. Robin told him it should be okay if he leaves, he is the biggest asset they have there at SIRIUS. She said that if the gay channel sticks around and gets lost, it's not going to hurt SIRIUS as much. Howard then ended the show for the second time this morning, right around 10:10am.
The guys were all talking about who ran out and left. Howard was walking past the studio as they were doing the show and Steve Langford was apparently sticking a mic in his face.
Jon said he got a news report about a possible gas leak downtown so that must be where the smell is coming from. Jon took a call from a guy who said that it was great they stayed on air while all of the other pussies left. Jason said that he couldn't leave because he lives in Hoboken and can't get home anyway. Gary didn't think it was that big of a deal and everyone was panicking for no good reason. He heard that there's hardly anyone out on the street and everyone was still up there in the offices.
One caller said that if they smell rotten eggs, they're smelling natural gas and they should get out of there. He suggested that they get down to the basement and if they see fumes... He wasn't sure what to do. Benjy was still sticking around and said he was there to get some air time.
Tim Sabean came in and said that they don't have any updates other than it's worse on the outside than it is on the inside. Jon took a call from a guy who claimed to be a fireman and this was no big deal. He said that they have smells like this all the time and when it's not raining, the smell usually dissipates quickly. He said that taking the advice of Penny Crone and Dominic Barbara, they're in trouble.
Gary thought the guy was nuts and his claims that it was the humidity was nuts. Jon heard that the Gay Channel was bad mouthing the Stern Show so Gary headed down there and confronted them. They had the gay channel up on the Wrap Up Channel. Gary spent a short time over there and Jon said that they now know why more people listen to the Wrap Up Show than the gay channel.
Jon took more phone calls and then Gary returned to the studio. He got some applause when he came back in. Gary said that Greg the camera guy from Howard TV was all giggles when he came out of the gay channel studio. Greg said it was the way they were acting about all of that stuff.
A phone caller told the guys that they should be fine with the gas leak because it probably can't combust with that level of oxygen in the air. Scott DePace called in and said that Artie pulled him out of the building and that's why he left. He didn't think it was that bit of a deal, he wanted to beat the traffic out of the city.
There were more callers giving the guys advice on why they should get out of there and how they might have to shut down stuff. The guys figured he was full of shit so they hung up on him. Ronnie the Limo Driver called in and said that there was hardly any traffic and no one was on the street or anything like that. He didn't seem to think there was much panic going on out there. He told the guys to do as much of the show as they want and then go ahead and leave.
A caller told the guys he saw Sal and Richard pretending to make out on the street while the FOX cameras were on them. They continued to talk to fans who were calling in about what was going on. There were more news reports coming in about the situation and it didn't sound like there was much of anything really going on. Shuli called in as a caller and goofed on Gary saying that the rotten egg smell might be coming from Gary's upper lip.
Jon went to a news report where Mayor Bloomberg was talking about what was going on in the city. It sounded like nothing so they cut it off and took a commercial break.
After the break Jon took a call from a guy who works at a gas company and he thinks it's much ado about nothing. They took many calls and there were many conflicting reports about how serious this smell could be. There were also discussions about how no one is sure how to react to something like this. They figure that it's easy for a terrorist attack to take place there in the city and they've seen proof of that on TV before.
Jon and Gary talked about Howard's work ethic and how he kept saying he was going to be leaving but stuck with the show for longer than he really needed to. Gary told a story about how they even went to work in the middle of a hurricane when they were working at WNBC many years ago.
Ralph called in and said that this was pretty scary shit and he's not going to leave his apartment today. He said that it's weird when they don't know where a smell like that is coming from. Scott DePace called back in and said that they were doing a great job with the show but he had just pulled in his driveway.
A caller asked Benjy what he thought about the conspiracy theory about how the World Trade Center buildings were brought down by bombs. Benjy said that he doesn't believe in that stuff. A short time later Brian Phelan from Howard TV called in and said that Sal was standing down there and there was really nothing going on out there. Sal said he was looking for a ride home. The guys all asked him what really happened. Sal said that he ran out when Howard said he was leaving and he didn't want to go back up there. Sal said he's not going to get on a train today because of this stuff. Gary said he's not getting on a train because it will cost him 8 bucks.
Sal said that there is something going on out there because there are ''no towels'' out on the street if you know what he means. He also said that the push carts out on the street are all closed up. He told the guys to really just get out of the building. He thinks that there might be something being planned and they should get out of there.
Ralph asked if he missed an evaluation in there this morning. Gary told him it wasn't an evaluation, it was just a chick who came in. Gary said that she was a solid 9. A short time later Haydn Porter called in so Gary asked her if she wanted to talk about his lips some more. She said that she had commented on his lips on the Superfan Roundtable. She meant it in a good way.
Haydn said some stuff about Christina who was on earlier and thought it was wrong of her to be so pompous. Gary told Haydn that she's a solid 8 in his opinion but this Christina was a solid 9. Ralph said that she's a 9 to him though.
Jon took some more calls after that and people were still giving conflicting reports about the gas leak. Richard Christy came in and said that he and Sal were interviewed on FOX news and that's when they started nuzzling each other. He said the camera man got pissed when they did that.
Sal called back in and told some more stories. Then Penny Crone came in to tell them about what went on with Sal and Richard. She said the camera man knew her and asked if they were friends of hers. She had to come back up to tell them what was going on up there. Jon asked her what she was doing back up there since she was so freaked out. Penny said that she had to tell them what was going on and how pissed off that camera crew got with them. She said they really were upset.
Jon took another call from a guy who talked about how this gas leak could just be the start of a massive bombing in the city. He dragged the story out a bit long and didn't get to his point so the guys were kind of goofing on him.
The guys eventually moved on to talk more about what went on during today's show. Gary talked about how Superfan Susan got a hold of him through his cable guy and got herself booked on the show.
Lisa G came in with a Howard 100 News update and said they'd have continuing team coverage throughout the day. They got some interviews with Howard and Artie as they were leaving this morning. They also got some audio of Tim Sabean begging Howard and Ronnie not to leave and to keep the show going when Howard was leaving around 10 this morning.
Another caller told the guys that they really have nothing to worry about because the thing they're smelling is an additive to the natural gas that doesn't dissipate as quickly as the gas does itself. The guy said it happens all the time up in the Boston area. He said that the mercaptan in the gas is what they're smelling and it will be around longer than the gas is around. Tim Sabean came in again and said that it smells like that in Philly all the time because they have natural gas tanks down there near the air port. Gary said that it's like that in part of New Jersey and it is from those gas tanks over near the turnpike.
Jon Hein read another news report about the smell in the city and how it might be just an unpleasant smell that they have to deal with. Sal said that they're saying that but they don't know for a fact that it's not going to hurt someone. He seems to think that they're risking people's lives by saying it's nothing.
The guys wondered what tomorrow morning will be like when everyone comes back in. Artie will get goofed on along with Scott DePace and anyone else who left the building so quickly. Gary defended Howard saying he stuck around until 10 o'clock but he did leave early.
Jon took a bunch more calls and let people give their thoughts on what was going on. Another guy claiming to be from a gas company said he thinks everyone is panicking for no reason. The smell they were smelling is not the natural gas itself, it's the mercaptan in the gas that they smell. Ralph was laughing because all of these gas company guys were calling in and explaining what was going on. A fire fighter called in and said that they can detect if this stuff could be explosive and they would have had a warning if the levels were right to ignite.
Jon took another guy who claimed to know about the mercaptan smell. He told the guys what they had already been told about 10 times during the show. Benjy started goofing on all of these people and told the guys about the mercaptan once again.
There were other callers telling the guys about the smells they have near their homes. Jon was whipping through a bunch of calls and there even more people calling in with the exact same information about the mercaptan... over and over and over again. Jon wrapped up the Wrap Up Show around 11:55am.
Howard started off his one year anniversary at SIRIUS saying he had a big show for everyone today. He mentioned that Larry Pierce would be there to perform some song parodies for them. He played a few samples of the songs they've played on the show before. Larry sings songs such as ''There Ain't Nothin Like a Good Hard Fuckin'' and ''HillBilly Cock'' and many others. Howard said he's got a new release out and played a sample of those. One was ''She's a Worthless Cunt'' which had more of a pop feel to it. Howard said his new one is ''I Want to Show Her Some Affection But She's Got a Yeast Infection'' and played some of that.
Howard told Fred he's got to start doing song parodies like this guy does because he tells a story. Howard played another one called ''I Think About You Every Time I Shit.'' Howard said he can't relate to that one himself. He played another one where Larry sings ''Will You Swallow My Cum.'' He said that sometimes you find out what songs really mean when they kind of mask the meaning. In Larry's songs he hides nothing. He literally tells you what's going on and he appreciates that.
Howard said that when they said they were going to leave, Artie left and disappeared before everyone else left. Howard said that he decided to stick around a little longer but Artie and Scott DePace ran off. Artie said he threw Scott DePace under the bus because he really didn't run off like they thought he had.
Howard played some audio from the Wrap Up Show where Gary ran over to Out Q to talk to them about what they were saying about Howard leaving early yesterday. Gary spoke to them over there about that for a short time.
Howard said he got pissed at Ralph yesterday because he was supposed to show up at his apartment at 3 o'clock and he didn't show. Ralph was on the Wrap Up Show calling people pussies for leaving early, meanwhile he sat in his apartment and refused to come in. He said Ralph was freaked out because 60 birds died in Texas and he thought it was related somehow. Howard said it's endless daddy stuff with that guy. He said he got a call from Ralph late in the afternoon and he said he was nervous and scared about what was going on. He said he saved 3 of the messages and he should pull them up so everyone can hear them.
Ralph left four messages telling him how scared he was about coming into the city. Ralph called him at 2:30 asking if he should come in or not and it was too late by that time. The smell was over by that time and there was nothing to it. He told Ralph that he left the building after doing his show and that was it. The gas was gone but Ralph was still sitting at home wondering what to do.
Artie said they probably would have been safer in the building. Howard said they should replay that show every January 8th. It was like their 9/11. Howard said Sam Simon told him yesterday to play that show every year because it is like their own personal 9/11.
Howard wanted to get the Ralph voice mail messages so he was going to take an early break. Then he decided to play some songs or a bit or something to fill that time. Gary reminded him about a prank call that Sal and Richard made to a chess show on public access. He played the call where a woman takes calls about chess. Richard called in as a guy who had some of his pieces shoved up his ''shit locker.'' Of course they hung up on him as soon as he said that. Then Sal called in with his kids in the background. He said he had never met someone famous on the TV. Sal tried to put the kid on the phone but he started crying and ran off. They moved on to the next caller which was Richard again. Richard made a move where he used his cock. Sal called back in again and asked the woman if she knows Robert De Niro and other celebrities. He put his son on the phone again and had him making rude comments to the woman. Richard and Sal called in again and again until they started muting the calls and cutting them off. Then they stopped taking calls all together.
Howard came back after playing the call and Robin said it kind of went nowhere. Howard wasn't going to play that one but he had to kill some time. He said he only had one saved message from Ralph. He said that they haven't been doing that many great prank calls lately. That one was a little too long and nothing happened. Gary thought they were all laughing at that one yesterday but Howard said he didn't find it so funny. Artie said he wasn't there when they were listening but he did agree it was way too long and kind of boring. He said Gary is usually 95 percent on the money with his picks though. Gary said that he usually is right but Howard will obsess on anything he does wrong.
Howard had some audio from the Wrap Up Show where Ralph was goofing on people on the show calling them pussies for leaving. Then Howard played the voice mail he got from Ralph where he asked him to give him a call back. He was weirded out by the whole thing and wasn't sure if he wanted to come in or not. Artie said he clearly doesn't want to work and he admits that's the reason he didn't stick around yesterday as well. Howard replayed the voice mail and Ralph says he's not comfortable getting on the train. He wondered if Howard had gotten out of town or something.
Howard got annoyed with the message saying that he should have just gotten his message out and not dragged it out with his Hey Now stuff. He said that the first message Ralph left was about the birds down in Texas and he gets caught up in his world. Artie said it was obvious he just didn't want to come into the city to work. Artie said he bolted out of there when he said they were going to leave yesterday. He figures Ralph is the same way.
Howard said there's an interview in the NY Times (Stern Likes His New Censor: Himself) today and it was pretty nice but not quite as nice as he thought it was going to be.
Robin said that people don't get the numbers right when they say how many people signed on when he announced he was moving to SIRIUS. They had 600,000 when Howard announced that move and now they have 6 million. Howard said he has to thank his audience for being loyal and signing up in droves.
Robin wondered if people still love them after yesterday. He said that some people might be pissed. He got some e-mail about that. He also read some mail about Artie's movie and how it's hard to find in the stores. There was some feedback about how the marketing of the movie doesn't seem to be all that great. Artie said they did sell a lot more DVDs than they thought they were going to.
Howard read some mail about Artie's wardrobe and how he never seems to have anything clean. There was some feedback about Richard Christy not showering every day and how they should fire him if he doesn't start cleaning himself up.
Howard said that everyone hated the Napier brothers and don't want them back again. Howard said that the Howard TV subscribers will love them because of the hot chick they brought in. Robin said that girl acted like a kidnap victim. They spent a minute talking about how that negative reaction means that it was good radio. Howard said the Napier Brother show will be on Howard TV starting tonight. That also includes their gas scare.
Artie said he was going to take time to write and do other stuff on the flight down there. Howard figures that they'll feel pressure to perform on the flight if they have a camera on there. Artie said that he's looking forward to seeing the private jet and people might want to see that on TV. Howard said that people are asking what kind of gifts to give him but he really wants nothing. He said he's trying to save people some aggravation.
Gary said that he's not bringing his gift to Florida. Howard thanked him for that because he can't do anything with a gift down there anyway. Artie said that it's tough having Howard's birthday such a short time after Christmas. He was calling Howard his boss but Howard told him that they're just co-workers, he's not his boss. Howard said he appreciates everyone there and they really don't have to get him a gift.
Howard mentioned that Beth got him the best gift ever. He said that this guy who has been giving him chess lessons on the web is flying in to teach him in person. Howard thinks that's a great gift because he's so into chess right now. He said Beth was upset with him for playing so much chess lately but he said he spent the whole weekend with her this past weekend. He also said that he can't get chess out of his head even when he's spending time with her.
Gary said the guy declined the offer so the guys were going to try to find something else. Howard said that he wouldn't want something like that anyway so he's glad that didn't come through.
Howard got back to the Doug Goodstein thing. He said Doug was looking to get some video of them hanging out on the beach and stuff like that. Gary said he won't be taking his shirt off at the pool so he's not too thrilled about doing that.
Artie said that his shirt will be staying on at the pool but his pants will be coming off at The Dollhouse. He said there will be no cameras in that place though. Howard said Bubba has an agenda to do all kinds of shit down there. He wants Howard and the guys to come over to his studio to see them work. Howard said he doesn't want to do that. Robin heard that Bubba wants them to see his house too. Howard said he didn't know that and he doesn't have any plans to go over there either.
Gary said he never said that Howard was going to go to Bubba's house. Tim Sabean said that they just had the studio redone down there so he wants to show it off. Howard heard about all of the stuff they have going on down there and it sounds like they have 150,000 square feet with the amount of stuff they have in there.
Artie said that he has something very geeky he wants to do down there. He wants to go see this field where the Yankees play for spring training. They won't be there doing that but he wants to see it. Howard said they can all just hang out and see what happens when they get there. Gary wondered if they're going to be drinking on the way down there. Howard said he doesn't drink in the afternoon, he only drinks at night.
Artie said that his field tour should only take like an hour. Howard asked him if he's going to be sitting around at the pool with his shirt on like he did in Vegas. Artie said he'll be putting on some make-up to cover up his stretch marks. He said he will take his shirt off if he goes in the pool though.
Howard said Doug wants to take some video at the wedding but the camera will be small so no one will notice it. The guys said they wall want to know when they're on video though so the small camera isn't helping. Gary said that this is going to be work for him because he'll probably have the camera on the plane.
Howard wanted to see what that looked like so he had the Howard TV guys put the video up. In the video they were right behind the reporter making out on camera. Howard seemed to find that pretty funny. Artie said he now knows that they're not gay because they didn't commit to actually making out. Sal said that they've finally done something gay that's actually funny to Artie.
The guys got a few laughs watching that video a couple of times. That led to the guys talking about other Jackass-like stunts that they've seen. Howard said that today is their first anniversary and also the day that Joey Buttafuoco going back to jail.
Howard also mentioned that Marty the Midget is appearing in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean and there's a picture of him with Johnny Depp and Keith Richards. Artie said that Keith Richards looks really disturbing in the picture.
Howard read some news stories and one of them was about this guy who had to be rushed to the hospital when he stapled his hand to a table and got stuck. He also mentioned that the local CBS news had to fire a bunch of their well known staff. He said that Roz Abrams is getting paid like $6 million to sit out the rest of her contract. Robin said that didn't sound like they were saving money. If they have to pay her, let her sit there and read the news.
Howard read one e-mail where the guy told him that he has a responsibility not to cause mass hysteria since he is a national radio personality. He shouldn't have done what he did. Howard said that he did the show until 10 yesterday and then he left. He didn't think that sticking around for another two hours was going to help anyone. Howard said that show seems to have gotten the most feedback and was the most controversial over the past year of shows.
Howard read an e-mail where a guy complained about Ralph calling into the show one too many times. The guy doesn't want to keep subscribing if he's going to keep calling in.
Howard mentioned a story about this Archbishop who was appointed over the weekend. The guy resigned right after that because he was accused of being a collaborator with the communist government in Poland. A lot of his fans started screaming that the Jews were behind all of that when they heard he had resigned. Howard spent a minute explaining how there are no Jews left over there so they can't be to blame.
Howard mentioned that Van Halen is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and he'll definitely watch that show. He said that has to be the greatest. The guys spent a few minutes talking about how great the band was so many years ago and how maybe David Lee Roth should be the lead singer who gets inducted since he was there in the beginning. Howard told Gary to get Eddie Van Halen to do another interview because he wants to know how that induction is going to go. He went to break after that.
Eric the Midget was on the phone to wish them a happy Anniversary. Howard thanked Eric for the call and said that he was also part of the show for the past year. Eric said he was willing to do the balloon stunt today but they didn't arrange it. Howard said that's because he has so many demands. He did his impression of Eric asking for the chance to get on the TV show Heroes and some other stuff. Howard said it's always something ridiculous and he just hangs up on him when he hears that stuff these days.
Howard pointed out that Artie had come in with some more free Hawaiian Punch. He said no one takes more advantage of that free stuff than Artie does. Artie said that his intake of Hawaiian Punch is what takes away any profit that the company makes.
Howard said that he's heard that Google is the best place to work because they have even more free stuff like massages and things like that. He thinks it's cool that they have free soda and pretzels. Artie said that he came from a low rated network TV show where they had non-stop free catering and you get spoiled from that.
Howard said that if they put a gym there at SIRIUS, he wouldn't leave the building. He would work out and then go back to his office and work even more. He said now he has to leave to go to the gym, then he goes home to work. Howard said they need a gym and a strip club and then he'd never leave. It would become his home there if they did something like that.
Howard said he would also like an Asian massage parlor there so he could get a happy ending. He said that way he could bust a nut there as well. Howard took a call from a woman who said that her sister works for Google and they have a Sushi bar. They also have couches, bean bags and concerts in the court yard there. Robin said that Google is being run by the guys who started it right now, when the bean counters get there, they'll put a stop to it.
Howard said that they're supposed to have a big breakfast there for them at 8 this morning but he doesn't think any of them will be able to go.
Artie said that he almost drove himself to a psychiatric hospital yesterday. He said he went home, went to sleep and then got up around 7. He had a nice dinner and then went to bed but he kept eating the leftovers he had. He had breaded chicken cutlets and two slices of pizza. He said he loads up on shit just so he has it in his apartment. He said that he ate the chicken and the pizza and he's back to drinking soda as well. Then he needed something chocolate so he got three Hershey bars.
Artie said he had gotten some of those huge Hershey bars and put them in the microwave to warm them up because they had been in the refrigerator. He heated it perfectly to where they were soft in the middle and hard on the sides. He was eating it with a spoon and almost started to cry because he couldn't stop eating it. He said that he has to eat so he doesn't think about any drugs or anything like that.
Howard said that he had a bowl of shredded wheat when he got hungry. Artie said he wouldn't even know where to get shredded wheat. Robin told Artie he really needs to get help with that. He has to figure out why he has to do that stuff. Howard said the shrink will make him figure out why he has to fill himself with that stuff. He said that maybe his parents did something that makes him want to do that stuff.
Artie said that he almost started to cry when he was eating that chocolate. He joked that he was still overwhelmed by the gas leak thing. He said he went to sleep after that so Howard asked him if he got the runs after eating that. Artie said he took the paper into the bathroom with him and read the story about how Dallas had lost because he wanted to read that again. He said that it's pretty awful after eating chocolate like that because it splatters all over the toilet. He figures that Dana ducked a bullet by not staying with him.
Howard still had the woman on the phone who talked about the Google stuff. Howard said goodbye to her and got back to Artie. Robin said they really should put him on a treadmill and make him work for his air time like a fan suggested.
Artie mentioned that Ralph has been trying to help him get hooked up with some clothes but now he's starting to sound like he's doing a sales pitch. Howard thinks it may have been because he did have a business conversation with Ralph and he may have been trying to charge him to shop for him. Artie wondered what he should pay another grown man to pick out his clothes.
Howard asked Artie if he eats a lot because he's bored. Artie said he is so bored... Howard told him he's going to teach him how to play chess on the flight back from Florida this weekend. Artie said he usually plays softball and stuff like that but he can't keep up with that. Howard said that he doesn't even think about food when he's playing chess so if Artie took it up, maybe he could lose some weight. Artie said he's a joke when he goes to play basketball because no one will pick him to play on their team.
Howard got back to Lisa G. She said that they'll be talking about the year that Howard has been there at SIRIUS. They'll talk to many of the people who have been on the show in the past year as well.
Larry mentioned that today is the release date for his 14th album and he seemed very proud of that. Howard told him how much he appreciates the fact that he just uses the words he wants to use in his songs instead of trying to hide them.
Larry told Robin how he got into the song writing business and how much fun he had coming up with that stuff. Howard asked Larry to sing some of his ''She Licked My Scrotum'' since he did have a guitar with him. Larry laughed for a few seconds and sang some of that. Howard also had him sing some of his song ''Nothin Like a Good Hard Fuckin.''
Howard asked Larry how old his kids are. Larry rattled them off and said that some are in their 30s. Howard asked when he started singing some of those songs to his kids. He said he used to try to hide it from them but they would hear the songs coming from behind closed doors.
Howard asked for Scott to come in and raise the volume of the guitar for Larry because it seemed a little low. Scott came in and Howard went off on him for not getting it right. Scott said that the volume seemed appropriate for him when they set it up but with him singing it may not have been loud enough. Howard said that maybe they should fly this guy into Bubba's wedding and have him sing some of that stuff for Bubba as he's walking down the aisle.
Howard had Larry sing some ''Hillbilly Cock'' for them. Howard asked him if he can make any money from that stuff. Larry said he has made a little money from the CD sales. He's also going out on tour with a band who found him and wanted to go on tour. He said he comes cheap too.
Howard said that Larry's latest album, ''Worthless Cunt,'' is out now. Howard played some of the title song from that album for everyone. Then Larry said he wanted to play something for Howard. He was laughing before he even started the song so Howard said that he seems to crack himself up. Larry went into his song and sang a song about a smelly pussy.
Howard gave Larry some plugs for his web site and album ''Pussy Whipped'' which is out now. He also gave out the web site DirtyCountryMovie.com. Howard then played some of his other songs.
Artie asked if the audience is like him at his concerts... and not there. Larry said that his wife has inspired some of his songs so Howard wondered if the stinky pussy is one of those. Larry said that he is a one woman man and he has experienced that. Artie asked him if he has any racial overtones in his songs. Larry said he's all about having a good time so, no, he doesn't have any racial stuff.
Howard said that Larry's wife must get upset about some of those songs. He said that she has gotten upset and he just tells her that they don't have anything to do with her.
Howard took a call from Eric the Midget who said that this guy sucks. Fred said that the guy is better than Rascal Flats. Eric said he listens to country music and this stuff sucks. Howard told him to get off his phone and hung up on him.
Howard played some more clips of Larry's songs like ''Will You Swallow My Cum.'' Howard said he must have an incredible sex drive and asked him if he whacks off a lot. Larry said he does it at least once a day and also has to have sex with his wife. He said he needs both. Howard asked Larry if he's ever written a song that was too intense. Larry said that's what he thought about ''Yeast Infection'' but he went through with it and finished it.
Artie asked Larry about his backup singers and if they've ever had a problem singing back up lyrics to some of those songs. Larry said his band is good about that and they don't have a problem.
Howard asked Larry to talk about his song ''Every Time I Shit'' and where that came from. Larry said it wasn't really inspired by anything, it was just a dopey idea he had. Howard asked him if he has to find places to hide when he beats off. Larry said that shit song was about a guy who might get turned on thinking about a woman in a positive way instead of a negative way like most guys would look at it.
Howard asked Larry to go out to the lobby and sing some of his songs while they have their special breakfast out there. The guys figured he might not be allowed to do something like that out there though. Robin asked Larry who discovered him. Larry said that it was a really long story and he didn't know how to make it short. He said he had recorded some of his songs on a cassette tape and it was eventually sent to a record company who wanted to produce the album.
Howard asked Larry how much he can make on an album like that. He said it's just a few thousand dollars so it's not all that much. Howard thanked Larry for coming in and gave him some plugs for Larry and his band Itis. Larry said this was the first time he's ever been on national radio so it was a big deal for him. Artie told Larry that he should call himself Silly Nelson, he'd be huge if he did that. Howard played some more short clips of his songs and then wrapped up with him and went to break.
Howard said the guy got all pervy with his mother so they actually cut it down a bit. He said Richard cut out all of those parts because he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear his mother talking about that stuff. Howard said it wouldn't have creeped him out. Richard said he would recut it with the dirty stuff left in.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that call was priceless. He also brought up an article that was in the paper the other day and how positive it was. Howard said he mentioned that yesterday but didn't read the whole thing on the air.
Howard said he likes when guys talk about the phenomenon of the show and how well they're doing. He said that the company is growing at astronomical rates and they've grown like 82 percent in the past year. Gary pointed out that they've taken over a majority of the market share in sales in the fourth quarter of 2006 from XM.
Howard said that some articles they always have to mention how much money he makes. He said that the article that the guy was talking about didn't mention that but there are some articles that do. He said he liked the Boston Globe article because it just talked about how well the show is doing. The caller said he thinks Howard should do more articles like that and more appearances as well.
Bobo called in and said he can't believe that it's been a year already. Artie said it's another year of Bobo wasting his life. Bobo said that there's an article in the paper today about how Howard is irrelevant. Howard said that satellite radio sales are raising at a faster rate than even cell phones did. He didn't believe that but that's what he's been told.
Howard said that the guys from Inside Radio work for terrestrial radio and never point that out when they write negative articles about him and satellite radio. Howard said that he's even more relevant than he was at any time in his career and no one can handle that. He said that they're crushing terrestrial radio and they can't handle that.
Bobo gave him a quote from the article he was talking about and he makes it sound like Howard is very predictable now. Howard said that's just the opposite of what he hears from the fans. He also pointed out that they just confirmed that Inside Radio is run by Clear Channel and they have some grudge against him and have no problem bad mouthing him.
Howard said that Newsday has a poll going on today and they ask you like 10 questions about him and the show. Howard read through the questions and wondered who would know some of them. There was a question about a movie he got out of that Melanie Griffith was going to co-star in. He ended up talking about how good looking she was when she showed up one day to talk him into doing the movie.
Howard continued to read through the list of questions and everyone in the studio knew the answers. He thought it was pretty hard. He said he was kind of honored that they would have a trivia poll about him.
Artie asked for an omelet since they were rushing them to get in their orders. Gary said he was going to have one made up for him and it wouldn't have any fruit on the side or anything like that. Artie said he'd rather have a regular omelet instead of an egg white omelet. Howard said they had a whole station set up out there with chefs and stuff.
Howard said that Sal and Richard were hanging out with Beetlejuice doing a gig and they gave him an iPod, which they told him was a phone. Beetlejuice thought he was on the phone when Sal was standing behind him talking to him as if he was on the phone and Beet though he was actually having a conversation.
Howard played the audio of Beetlejuice having that conversation with someone in the room. Howard said they then had Beet answer the iPod and talk to someone who wasn't even there. There was no one on the phone but Beet had answers for them when they asked him what the guy was doing and where he was at. Beet would pause and then answer them as if someone was on with him.
Artie got his omelet and showed everyone how beautiful it was. There was quite a bit of bacon on the plate, and it may have been too much even for him. Howard said that in light of Artie's portion, only 20 people can eat now, not 50. Fred was passing on the breakfast because he's trying to lose a little weight.
Howard said it's pretty amazing what's gone on in a year and he thinks that it really is the beginning of a revolution. He also had to thank Dr. Martine for inventing the whole thing.
Howard said that Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver is now going out and singing Christmas songs. He had a little clip of him singing on The Tonight Show. He said it's just weird. He and Robin talked about how bad they thought it was even though they're big fans of Scott's.
Howard had a clip from Who Wants to be a Millionaire where this woman mentions she wants to get boobs with her winnings and they actually bleep the word ''boobs'' during the show. They let her say it once but then bleep it when she mentions the word again and again.
Gary came in and told Howard that Richard had the outtakes from that prank call they played earlier. Howard played the clips where that guy Howard told Ray to let him do sexual stuff to her. Gary warned Howard that it was pretty creepy stuff. The guy was asking her to do all kinds of weird stuff. They had Ray saying no over and over again but he wouldn't take no for an answer. The guy was very persistent. Howard told Richard to put all of those outtakes back into the call so they can hear it in full.
Howard said he saw some pictures on the web that turned out to be fake. He said it was supposed to be Paris and Nikki Hilton body painting each other. He showed it to Artie and he thought it was really Nikki. Artie said that whoever the chick is has an awesome body.
Gary said that NASA had some people working there looking for the video but no one wanted to do anything about it. Then they decided to look for it. Gary said that they used to tape over old tapes, kind of like how Tom Chiusano used to do at K-Rock. Gary said they found in Australia, in the basement of some school, 16,000 tapes that were lost. The moon landing tape wasn't one of them though. So that amazing tape is still lost.
Gary said that there was one room at NASA where they had a sprinkler problem and they've ruined a lot of tapes and research records because of that. Howard said he's horrible at archiving stuff himself so he hired Jeff Schick and Laura Lackner to do all of that for him.
Some of the guys came in and brought in a cake of the fist logo. Scott Greenstein told Howard it's been great over the past year. Howard told Scott he was choked up over this whole thing and thanked him for making everything come true that he promised him. Howard was about to cry but that was chased away when he saw Artie's food pouch in his mouth.
Howard told Scott that they're a miracle company now and they've been working very hard for the past year and he's very proud to be working there. He thanked Scott for bringing him there and making it all possible. Scott said no one realized what he was going to bring to the table when he got there. Scott said that what Howard has done for the business is great. He said that everything in the marketplace has shifted and the public spoke by buying their product in the fourth quarter of this year. Artie added that the only people to have a worse fourth quarter than XM are the Dallas Cowboys.
Howard said that he wanted to toast to Scott for the next year and he's looking forward to 1/9/08. Scott thanked everyone there for doing what they've been doing. He said that Mel Karmazin is at the Consumer Electronic Show today so he couldn't be there. Howard asked Scott to have a massage parlor installed there like Google has. He explained to Scott how that would keep him there if he had a massage parlor and a gym in the building.
Tim Sabean said that they were going to replay Howard's first show on SIRIUS right after his show today. Then they're going to have the top 10 moments from the last year. That will be playing throughout the day. Sal the Stockbroker was in the studio and laughing so Howard asked him what was going on there. Sal said that Ronnie asked him to pass a note to Benjy that said ''Why is Scott Salem in the studio?'' Howard asked Scott why he was there. Scott said he was wondering that himself, but he was asked to come in.
Tim got in another mention of what they had coming up today. He said that there are a lot of people who are going to hear that first show for the first time. They're also going to replay the test shows that they did before the official launch. That will be happening this weekend.
Howard's father Ben called in and congratulated him on his year anniversary. He also congratulated himself for having a son like this. Howard asked Ben if he thought he'd have a great man like that as his son when he was growing up. Ben said that no one knows how someone is going to turn out. He said if he knew then what he knows now, he would have treated him differently. He would have carried him around the whole time like royalty.
Ben said that he had to straighten him out about something. He said the reason he didn't send him the tape of the Eddie Murphy thing wasn't because he reuses tapes. He said there was more to the story. He was going to bring the tape to the gym where he works out but he figured he could get a copy himself.
Howard took a call from Ben Stern who wanted to talk to Ben Stern. The guys in the back were playing Ben clips and had the two of them talking to each other.
Ben talked about how he had to get out of the recording business and he hasn't worked since then. He's been very happy since then. Howard said that his father has the best life. They get up, eat breakfast, do some meditation, go to the track, meditate some more, watch some TV and then go to bed. Ben said that he retired from the business when he was just 58 years old.
Howard asked his father if he ever gets amorous with his wife. Ben said he's in love with himself. He said that they got married in 1947 on May 17th. Howard was born in 1954 and no one would let him come up to the hospital room while Ray was having him. He didn't tell anyone he was there though so no one knew he was even waiting.
Howard said that Brian Phelan just had his third kid recently and he passed out in the hospital room. Howard said the guy weighs close to 300 pounds. Brian came in and said he weighs 250 pounds and they just left him on the floor when he passed out. He said he heard a gush noise and it was a whole mess of blood and shit. He said it was nasty and was starting to feel kind of queasy just thinking about it. He said he was only down for a few seconds and they asked him why it's always the big ones who go down.
Brian said they were just going to leave him there but he got up pretty quick and sat in a chair. Brian said he gets very queasy and that's why he passed out so easily. Ben asked when men were allowed to go into the hospital room. Howard said it was after this book ''Our Bodies, Ourselves'' came out. He said it was all about the male bonding and stuff like that so now it's an insult if the guy isn't in the hospital room.
Howard talked to his dad about some political stuff. He brought up some things that Andrew Cuomo is doing and he had to give him the thumbs up on some of that stuff. The two of them spent a short time on that and got back to Brian passing out. Brian said he hasn't had sex with his wife since seeing what he saw. He said that stuff could turn a guy gay because it's really disgusting to see that coming out of there. He said it's scary and he's really horny so he will have to go back there eventually.
Gary said he saw both of his kids born and the second one wasn't that bad. He said the first one was different though because he saw this human being popping out of the place where he has sex.
Howard took a call from the guys who were playing clips of his mother's voice. She was saying she hadn't seen him in the paper today. She also said that if she could do it all over again, she would breast feet. Those clips are all from Meet the Sterns which aired last year.
Howard talked to his father about going down to Florida for Bubba's wedding and how he'd be celebrating his birthday down there. Howard also said he's kind of curious about his parents sex life. He asked his dad if he's still going to be doing it at 83 or if he's going to give it up by then. Ben said that when he turns 65 he's going to come clean about everything. Ben claims that he can still get aroused at his age. He said he's never needed Viagra. He said that you're not like you were when you were 20 though because things start to wear out.
Ben said that you're only as old as you feel and he doesn't feel 83. He said that he only feels old when he goes out and everyone around him is younger than he is. He said he'll go out dancing and he's the oldest one there. They go square dancing every Monday night and it helps keep him young.
Howard asked his father about why he never had friends. Ben said that when you get married you make friends with other couples. Howard said he didn't have any friends that he hung out with though. Howard said he thinks his father doesn't want to get attached to anyone too much.
Howard said his father doesn't like to feel sad and once told his mother not to look back when they leave Howard's house because she was complaining that she gets sad when they pull away. He said that's the way his father treats emotion, he just doesn't confront his.
Howard was trying to figure out if his father's mother was still alive when he was born. Ben couldn't remember the dates and wasn't sure if she as still alive at that time. Ray was in the background yelling at him that she was still alive when Howard was born. That led to the guys asking Ben if he ever went to the grave and spoke to his mother. Ben said he did visit the grave a few times but he never said anything out loud. Howard let Ben go and thanked him for calling in. He said he'd still like to know if they're having sex.
Gary said that he's going to be doing a documentary on Mariann and her husband for the next film festival. He's fascinated by the whole thing and wants to learn more about them.
Howard asked Mariann if she would blow him if he asked her to. She said she doesn't do that for anyone but her husband. She said she's actually very good at it because with a voice like that, she has to be good at something like that.
Howard was going to let Mariann read a poem that she wrote but they got sidetracked when they talked about the Real Doll and how someone had suggested that they make her up to look like Artie's grandmother. Artie said that would lead to another contest where they'd have to find his replacement because he won't ever come in again.
Howard had Mariann read her poem. She read the first line and Howard cut her off because he said no one could take it. He asked her if she would ride the Sybian in honor of this anniversary. She didn't want to do it but they told her to keep her clothes on. She went over to it and got on. Howard told her to get into her underwear but she didn't want to do that either.
Gary turned on the Sybian but Mariann wanted to get off of it. She said she couldn't do it but faked it a little bit. That lasted about 10 seconds before she asked them to turn it off. Artie said that was probably the worst Sybian ride ever. Sal then came in and asked if she would sign that Sybian attachment. He handed her the pen and it exploded. It was his exploding pen trick that he was doing yesterday. She called him a fucking ass hole and then they let her leave.
Howard got a gift from Mariann which was a giant mug that said ''Legend'' on it. Robin said it was an ugly color so Howard threw it away. He tried to smash it but it wasn't breaking. He said he was going to keep it in there after it wouldn't break. Howard went to break after that.
Howard got back to the Chuck Zito clips he started to play earlier. He said that he wanted to know more about what Chuck and Pam Anderson were up to but Chuck wasn't very forthcoming about it all. He played a clip where a caller asked Chuck what he thought about Howard leaving early that morning. Chuck didn't seem to have a problem with it. He said they did their job and left. He didn't want to bad mouth Howard at all.
Howard wanted to clarify everything. He said he did a full show, he just didn't do an extra full hour like he usually does. He then played a clip of Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa goofing on him on Live with Regis and Kelly. Regis said he couldn't smell it at all yesterday or today.
Howard said he likes how Regis and Kelly drink their coffee while having their little 20 minute chat on the air. Howard figured there was some kind of study done where they found that drinking coffee gets ratings. Artie said it's like you're drinking coffee with them. He does the same when he's eating his breakfast with all of the other fans who are doing the same.
Howard played another clip where Chuck took a call from a guy who called him a fag and said that his show sucks. Chuck told him to come down there and he'd punch him out.
Howard had a clip from FOX and Friends where they goofed on him for leaving the show early. In the clip they said that Howard had left early but he claims he didn't leave early, he left at 10 o'clock which is the official end time for the show (But he seems to be forgetting that he walked out at 9:29am first, then came back and ''finished'' the show)
Howard played a prank call that Richard Christy made to a talk show. He told the guy that they thought that one of their co-workers had shit their pants. The host laughed and thanked him for the call.
Yesterday Howard played some audio of William Shatner going off on a guy at a recording session. Howard said he was kind of right but he just kept going off on the guy and wouldn't let up. He was relentless with his goofing. Howard replayed that clip and said that Shatner is really a sadistic bastard. He said he just wouldn't let the guy go. Howard thought that Shatner had read the lines great both times.
Howard took a call from Al Rosenberg who used to work with them at WNBC. Al said that the show has evolved to a level that no one ever expected and he tells everyone about how great it has become. He said that 24 hours of Howard a day isn't enough and they should work on fitting even more.
Howard went to Jon Hein who had a rundown of what they'd be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. They'll go over what they've learned over the past year and talk about today's interview with Larry Pierce. Artie said he still thinks that guy should call himself Silly Nelson. Jon went through a few other subjects that they'll be covering today.
Howard asked Jon what he thinks they should cover down in Florida when they're down there. Jon seems to think that they should be taping a lot of stuff like their plane ride down and even stuff from the beach. Jon wrapped up a short time later so Howard had Robin get to her news.
Howard had some audio from the show where Rosie returned to the show. Barbara Walters claims that what Trump said about what she said about Rosie is totally untrue. Robin said that from what she's read, Barbara's statement came out of the little battle that she had with Rosie behind the scenes.
Artie said that Trump has been really vicious and it's turned him off from watching his show ''The Apprentice.'' He also said that Trump's daughter is good on the show because guys are going to hate her. Fred seems to think that the show is going down in flames and the kids being injected into it is going to be their main downfall. Artie said she says some things on the show that just piss you off and he may just watch it to see how pissed off she can make him. Artie said that Trump's daughter is hot but she just pisses him off.
Fred said that Trump has also put his wife and kid into the show and no one wants to see that. Fred said it becomes a different show and it doesn't work. Howard thought it might be kind of interesting but Fred disagreed. He said he won't be watching it this season.
Howard took a call from Ralph who failed to show up at his apartment yesterday. Ralph said he was freaked out and it fucked up his whole day. Howard told him there was nothing wrong and he should have just come over. He ended up playing the voice mail message he played earlier where Ralph told him how freaked out he was. Howard said by that time of the afternoon the whole thing was over with and there was no problem.
Artie asked Ralph what he would charge to get him a suit and bring it down to Florida. Ralph told him that he has to be involved in it and he has to be measured. Ralph said that he'd send him over somewhere and get him measured after his appearance today.
Ralph was calking in to say that Trump's daughter has Donald's build and she's not hot anymore. He kind of likes the show this season because of the changes they made.
Howard got off the line with Ralph and played some more clips from The View where Rosie was talking about some of the stuff that Trump has said about her. Howard played some other clips of Trump talking about Rosie while being interviewed about The Apprentice.
Artie said he had a joke that he wanted to send to Donald. He said he needs some lines that are funny instead of just calling Rosie fat. He said that he was going to tell Trump to say that he'd like to see Rosie with long hair because it would allow him to see what Jackie Gleason would look like as a hippie.
The guys also talked about Trump owning the Miss Universe pageant and Ralph was on the line arguing about the way Trump treats the women in his pageants.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who wanted to comment on Donald Trump. He said that they lived just a short distance apart and he knows that Donald's mother had a heavy accent so maybe that's why he doesn't mind the accents with his wives. Dominic was also talking about the gas smell yesterday and how there was an article in the paper about gas attacks that Saddam Hussein did when he was in power.
Howard took a call from Double A but he was asleep on the phone. Howard said that the hot chick who was in there the other day (Haydn Porter) had sent them some screen shots of the instant messages that Double A has sent to her and he really comes on strong. He said Double A was saying stuff like he'd like to lick her pussy and things like that. He said he wants to talk to him about that.
Howard said he noticed that there was no one snoring next to Double A. He said he was kind of jealous of that sound of him snoring because that's exactly what he'd like to be doing. Robin said he was snoring like a baby... Howard added ''He's as tall as a baby...'' He also said that Double A must mean ''Asleep Angelo.'' He hung up on him and took a call from Jessica Hahn who wanted to congratulate them on their year there. Howard and Jessica talked about how horrible things were on terrestrial radio and how he really had to get out of there. Jessica told Howard that she's still hot and swears that's true. She said she may get her boobs re-done because she's not happy with them. She said they're not as soft as she would like them even though she just had them done a year ago. Howard said he didn't remember them being hard. She said they just got hard after she had them done last year.
Jessica said that she thinks she looks really good but she knows that she may crash eventually and hit that wall. She said that she has no problem getting wet either and she'd kill herself if that ever happened to her. She said she's never had to use a lube like that. Jessica said that she has to tell him the truth because she will eventually run into him somewhere. Howard let Jessica go a short time later.
Howard had Robin get to more of her news a short time later. She went through a bunch of news stories while Howard pointed out that they were more than making up for leaving early yesterday by staying there past 11 o'clock today.
Scott Ferrall called in with some congratulations for his one year anniversary. He said he saw a lot of reports about him on the news channels. He said he thought that was cool and he can't wait for Bubba's wedding when he can party with all of them. Howard told everyone to check out Scott's show because he really likes it. Scott went into some sports discussions with Artie while he was on the line.
Gary came in and said that Scott has been trying to get through for the past 2 hours and the interns out there think that he's Sour Shoes so they kept hanging up on him. He didn't have the hotline number so they figured it wasn't really him. Howard wrapped up with him and had Robin finish up her news. They ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started off the show saying he was listening to a great tape of Donald Trump on Conan O'Brien's show that he figured Robin would like to hear. Robin heard about some of what it might be about. Howard said everyone seems to be interested in hearing what they all have to say. He didn't think Artie wanted to hear it and wasn't interested but Artie said he's actually into it after hearing what went on yesterday.
Howard said he heard that there was a deal made back stage with Conan and Donald and they weren't going to talk about this stuff. They did end up talking about it though when Conan brought it up. Trump was the one who didn't want to talk about it but Conan said there was no way he couldn't bring it up. Trump said that he really has to honor agreements. Conan claims he never committed to not talking about it. Trump claims one of his representatives did.
Conan asked Trump if he sees a happy resolution to the whole thing. Trump said that he doesn't see anything happy coming out of it and Rosie isn't capable of being happy. Trump can't see them getting together and hugging and kissing to make up. He's not sure why people find it so fascinating. Trump explained that it all started when he gave Miss USA a second chance and Rosie went nuts on The View.
Trump said that people do not like Rosie and the polls are in his favor in this battle they've been having. Conan then flipped the whole thing around and said that he wasn't there to talk about that, he was there to talk about The Apprentice.
Howard said it would be great if there was a boxing match between Trump and Rosie. He said they should fight in Bubba's octagon ring. That led to the guys talking about flying down to Florida for Bubba's wedding this weekend. Artie said he has to fly down with all of the peasants instead of on the private jet that Howard is taking.
JD came in and told Howard that there's a WWE wrestling match between Trump and Rosie but it was just a couple of look-alikes. He said he'll have a clip later but he thinks that the fake Rosie actually beat the fake Trump.
Artie said he once played Rosie O'Donnell in a MAD TV bit one time. He didn't even try to do an impression though. Howard announced he wanted to take off his sweatshirt because it was so hot in the studio. He said he wanted to be reminded to put it back on when David Arquette came in.
Artie said the doctor gave him the pills and within 3 weeks he was feeling great. He woke up one morning and he was ready to build a house that day. He went out and met up with some friends. He said he got back to MAD TV and the producers told him he had to stay on that drug through the whole season. He did that and thought he was funnier than ever that season. Then he stopped taking it that summer and he's been off of it ever since then. But then they had him on Lithium for a while and that was awful. He was on that for a little while but he's been off of that for a long time now too.
Howard told Artie that Lithium is a hard core drug and it's usually the really crazy ones who take it. Howard said that when you take too much acid they put you on that stuff to counteract the effects of the acid. Artie said he eventually ended up on cocaine and that's how he lost his job on MAD TV. Then when he got on Howard's show is when he got back on the heroin in 2005. He'd been doing pretty good for a while.
Howard took a call from Jessica Hahn who said that she was on anti-depressants. That led to Howard talking about the pot that she gave him one time and how crazy he felt after smoking that. He said that stuff was killer weed and it was way too much for him. He also remembers seeing the pills that Jessica had in her purse at the time. Jessica also admitted that she was on heroin at one time. Artie said he really should have hooked up with her out in California.
Jessica said that she actually smoked the heroin, she didn't get into the hard core stuff. Jessica said it was very addictive and she wanted it all the time because it was such a great escape. Artie said that if you see a chick doing that, you are just ten bucks away from getting a blow job.
Howard asked Jessica if she ever did give KC a hand job like he claimed. Jess said that she never did that and she would admit to it if she had. She changed subjects and said that she identifies with Artie and knows what he went through with the prescription drugs.
Howard asked Jessica what she was so depressed about to have been on those drugs. The guys talked about the things Jessica went through with Jim Baker and how Baker's son is now an evangelist just like his father. Howard had to cut Jessica off because he couldn't get a word in with her on the phone.
Howard and the guys spent a short time talking about evangelists and their creepy ways. Ralph called in and said he was calling in to find out what Jessica Hahn was on these days because she's always awake. Artie said that's right because she's in California calling in at 3 in the morning.
Ralph was awake early today too so Howard was kind of surprised by that. Ralph said he wasn't sure what he was going to do today. Howard said he'll be unpacking boxes and stuff like that. He seems to be unpacking boxes all the time.
Ralph told Artie that he really needs help because he's killing himself with food. Artie told him that one of them is at work now... and getting paid for it. Ralph said he was working by calling in and adding content to the show.
Howard said that Donald Trump wrote a letter to Rosie O'Donnell telling her that Barbara Walters is lying to both of them. He got sidetracked and said that the ratings for his old radio station came out yesterday and they're even lower now than they were when David Lee Roth was there. He said that David Hinkley didn't even write about that though.
Jessica Hahn called back in and said that she has a different schedule than they have so that's why she's up at strange hours. She said she gets up, tans, works out and goes back to bed around 1 in the afternoon. She said she likes to tan and work out and taking the dogs out. She said she lays down around 1 and gets about 4 hours of sleep and then gets up for a little while and then goes to bed at about 9. She doesn't go out much because she enjoys her home so much.
Howard asked Jessica when she has sex with that guy who pays her. She thought that sounded kind of rude. She said he'll come over in the evening sometimes. She said she has to put out whenever he wants and he stops over all the time. Howard said he'd love to have some guy paying all of his bills. She said she'll get made up and get together for a couple of hours. They will have dinner and watch a movie sometimes and that's it.
Howard asked Jessica how often they have to bang. She said that it might be 3 times a week or so. She said they sometimes do everything but intercourse. She just wants him to lay back and relax so she can do her thing. Howard said that Jessica claimed she had about a year and a half before she hits the wall so he wondered if this guy is going to support her then. She said that she'll always be good to him and he can even put a bag on her head if he wants.
Howard asked Jessica how long she tans. Jessica said that she usually tans for about 30 minutes and covers up certain areas. She said she does all kinds of stuff while she's doing that. She said she takes a cloth that she puts over her vaginal area so that doesn't get burned. She said there's no hair on there to protect it so she has to cover it up.
Artie said that she really should fly out there to get some from Jessica. Howard wondered why he didn't do that. He also said that Howard TV wants to fly out there and do a ''day in the life of Jessica Hahn.'' She agreed to do that for them. Howard let her go a short time later and said they should just follow her around for the day and record everything, even if it's boring.
Artie wondered what kind of money this guy is spending on Jessica out there. Howard said she's so into her body and sex that she would come over and do lingerie shows for them when they'd go out to L.A. He said she'd say to him that she'd give him a great hand job even though he was married at the time. He said he never did it but he did think about it.
Artie asked if there was ever a time when Sam Kinison and Jessica were a couple. Howard and Robin said that they weren't really a couple. Sam was with Malika at the time so things could have gotten messy.
Artie said he called into Nick DiPaolo's new radio show on the old station. He said he called in unannounced and he wasn't sure if they wanted to put him on the air. He said he went through 3 people before they finally put him through and Nick said hey. He said they were talking about homophobia and he said something about anal sex so they must have had to bleep him. He heard a producer say something and then heard a click. They didn't hang up on him but they told him they had to bleep it. Artie then said that he was way to comfortable where he was now and there was another click so he got off the phone. He knew they were bleeping him so he had to get off the air.
Howard said that Nick is a hilarious guy but how can you be funny when they bleep anal and anything to do with satellite radio. He said he really should read the ratings about that station because they're so bad. Howard said he got some nude pictures of a woman that he showed to Artie. The chick was so hot according to Artie. She was dating some athlete. Artie and Howard both thought she might be the hottest chick ever.
Artie said he might know that chick. The guys said that she was on their show. It turns out she was the Playmate of the year a couple of years ago when they were in Vegas. Will said her name is Carmen DeCesare. Howard remembered her and said she wanted to hang out with him but he was with Beth at the time.
Artie said one guy heard he was doing the signing on his way up to Boston and veered off to go there. Artie said that it was a really nice turnout there. The cop asked Artie if he could hook him up with a Stiletto because he can't put a radio in his car. Artie couldn't hook him up so he told him to go flash his tin at the store and tell them to give him one so their store doesn't get trashed.
Howard got back to the ratings reports about his old station. He read a note about how bad they're doing and how their overall ratings are down to a 1.2 from Howard's 3.2 in the last book there at K-Rock. Howard said that they're even lower now that David Lee Roth is gone. Their morning ratings are at a 1.6 with the new guys, Opie and Anthony.
Howard said that they can keep slamming him all they want out there, but his listeners are still coming to satellite in droves. He said that his audience was estimated to be 12 million when he was on terrestrial radio maybe about 4 of the 6 million subscribers they have now are listening to his show so there are more there than they think. He said it's just better radio there. Regular radio just isn't fun. Robin said if you don't see someone listening to satellite radio, you see them listening to an iPod.
Artie wondered what a Treo or a Blackberry does. Howard said it's like a phone, email and other stuff all in one small package. He said he can even get on the internet which seemed to impress Artie. Howard said he's trying to get this new laptop computer but it's been on backorder. He said he likes the Sony Vaio computers but he wants his mouse pointer in the middle of the keyboard like the IBM computers have.
Howard talked about the laptop he was looking at and how it doesn't have a DVD player in it. He said you have to use a separate accessory to add on to it. Robin said she'll have to think about that. Artie was clueless about that and didn't know anything about what they were talking about. He was figuring out what software was and what it does... finally learning about computers at the age of 39.
Howard said that Beetlejuice is ahead of everyone with technology. This past weekend they gave Beetlejuice an iPod and he was talking to it as if it were a phone. It was like he had a premonition about the new Apple iPhone and spoke to it as if there were really someone there. He played the audio clip that they played yesterday where Sal and Shuli were goofing on Beetlejuice with the iPod. Beetlejuice had a conversation with someone that wasn't even there.
Howard read an article about the new iPhone and said it looks kind of cool. He read the details about the phone and filled everyone in on the size and some of the features of the new phone. Howard said that he gets driven crazy by his Treo sometimes because the phone drops out and stuff.
Artie carries around a cell phone. He said it's a Mercedes phone that he got about 3 months ago when he bought his car. He said they gave him the phone when he bought his car and it still had an antenna. Artie said his car has an antenna as well.
Ralph called back in and told Howard to just buy the Sony computer he was talking about. Howard said he wants the nipple pointer control that the IBM has so he doesn't want the Sony. Ralph also said that the iPhone doesn't have a camera but Howard said he just read it does. It has a 2 Megapixel phone built in. Ralph didn't like the pricing of the phone either.
Howard said that if Apple makes a good product, they deserve to get a huge market share. He read more details about the iPhone and said that they're exclusive with Cingular. Ralph said their stock shot up like 10 bucks yesterday when this phone was announced.
Artie said he's way behind in this technology and it takes him like 3 days to get stuff from his buddy Frank Sebastiano when they're sharing stuff. Artie said he had a good story about that stuff and how they were trying to put the finishing touches on ''Beer League.'' They were also figuring out their vacation schedule so Frank called his manager and asked for the schedule. The manager e-mails and faxes to Frank a list of holidays that they had off. Frank got a list of the holidays they were going to be off and Frank called him and said that he could stay out late the night before Thanksgiving.
Gary came in and told Howard how Artie had purchased a really expensive computer that he never used. It sat there for 4 years and he never used it at all. Artie said he got mad one day and broke it when he got pissed off at something that rhymes with Zana. He just got a new computer over vacation. Jeff Schick came over and hooked him up with a new one. He's had it for weeks and he hasn't used it at all. Artie said he went to his web site... once.
Ralph asked Artie if anything normal goes on in his life. He always has a story about that kind of stuff. That led to Robin bringing up a story about how Artie had a tough time getting his seatbelt on in Scott DePace's car the other day when they ran out of there. Artie said that Scott's car, a Dodge Charger, looks like his car's big, dumb bodyguard.
Scott came in and explained how the car won't let them go until everyone has their seatbelt on so he had to put it on before they left. Artie couldn't get the belt over himself because he's gotten so big. Artie said he hates seatbelts because they're awful and dumb. Scott said it took him like 5 minutes to wrestle the belt on and he had to help buckle him in like a kid.
Artie said he wasn't even trying to put the belt on because he didn't want to put it on. He said his car doesn't do that when he doesn't have his belt on.
Gary came in and told Howard about the phone that Artie bought to go along with his car. The phone is really expensive and it looks really goofy. He said it costs like $1000 and it looks bizarre when you take it out of the car. Gary said that there are phones out now that will work with his car and they have Bluetooth built right in.
Artie ended up goofing on Ralph because of one trip they took in his convertible where his girlfriend had to get into the back seat because Ralph's faggot back hurt. Ralph pointed out that Dana is now gone though so it's not that big of a deal.
Artie and Ralph were still going at each other so Artie wondered whose life they'd rather have, his or Ralph's. Robin said it would be Ralph because he doesn't do anything. Artie said that Ralph is going to die broke and alone while he'll just die with money. Howard wanted to wrap up the whole conversation and move on. Ralph said that he thinks his life is more normal than Artie's. Artie argued about that and said that he goes to work so his life is more normal.
The guys talked about how Ralph is on drugs just as much as Artie is on drugs. Robin said she once saw Ralph sleeping on the street. Gary came in and said that he would rather have Ralph's life because he has no conscience. He said that someone with a conscience wouldn't have forced Dana to sit in the back seat like Ralph did. Gary said that he would love to go out to Sam Simon's place and do stuff for him to work for the time he gets to spend at his house. Ralph said he does help Sam out and he ''does the right thing'' for him. The guys thought he was saying that he does sexual favors or something but Ralph said that's not what he was saying.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ralph blows and Artie rules. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they have to stop talking over each other because it's getting out of hand lately. He said it starts to sound like The View when they do that. Howard said he liked the argument and didn't want to slow it down. He said that will happen from time to time and he can't help it. Howard figures that no one will talk now that they've heard that. Artie said he's afraid to say anything now.
Howard mentioned that David Arquette will be on the show today. That led to them talking about what an odd guy he is. Artie said that he saw him on Letterman the other day and he really is strange. Dave was looking at him like he was nuts. Howard said David even called him ''Jay'' at one point but Dave didn't acknowledge it.
Howard played some audio from Letterman where David was talking about going down to Mexico for vacation. He was giggling like a little kid. Artie said he sounds like a pot head. Robin said he really says nothing in that clip but people hear him laughing and think he's telling an interesting story.
Howard played another clip where Arquette was telling Letterman a story and not making a lot of sense. He was trying to explain something about a booking chair but the story didn't go anywhere. Howard said he sounds kind of like Spicoli from ''Fast Times at Ridgemont High.'' That led to Fred playing a clip from the movie where Spicoli calls Mr. Hand a dick.
Howard played another clip where David Arquette called Dave ''Jay.'' He corrected himself a short time later by calling Dave by the right name. Howard played another ''Fast Times'' clip with Spicoli and Arquette really sounds like him. Howard wondered if he is a stoner. He played a couple more clips from the movie and had Artie laughing.
Robin said she thinks that David hangs around with a couple of people who are pot heads. Howard read some notes about him and said he was actually there so he should bring him in.
That led to Howard talking about how Bubba has a whole itinerary for them down there but he doesn't realize that they're not going to want to do anything when they get there. Bubba has been preparing his studio for the visit but he hasn't been telling anyone else that he wants them there so they already have plans to do other stuff.
Lisa said that they'll be talking about wedding etiquette and stuff like that on today's news. She said they'll have that and a lot more on today's Howard 100 news.
Howard asked David if he had to get on Jennifer's side and bad mouth Brad. David said he did do some shit to his friend that he didn't like but he thought that Brad was a good guy otherwise. Artie worked into the stoner discussion with David and wondered if he does smoke weed. He didn't get into much about that though because Howard got back to the Brad Pitt thing. He asked him if he ever saw Jennifer crying about the Brad Pitt breakup. David said it wasn't like that.
Howard asked more questions about Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn as well. David said he didn't know how to answer all of those questions. Howard asked him if he gets the story from Jennifer herself or from Courtney. He said that they all just knew. David said that the Angelina Jolie thing was a bit of a surprise. Howard figured that David was happy for Brad to have moved on.
Howard asked David if he's happy about being in the middle of that whole thing. David just giggled when he was asked questions. Howard said that David and Courtney now have a kid and it must be great to just be in the middle of everything. Howard said they have gossip about people there at SIRIUS but it's usually just about Ross and Melissa.
Howard asked David if he likes gossiping about his friends. David said he really isn't a gossiper. He said that he thinks that if things aren't working out for a couple, they should just move on. Howard said that anyone you date after going out with Brad Pitt is going to look like crap. Howard figures Brad could get just about anyone he wants.
Howard asked David if he likes looking at the tabloids and seeing celebrities cellulite. David said it's kind of funny but Howard even thought that it kind of sucks when he ends up in those magazines where they circle his man tits and stuff.
David said that Jennifer Aniston is a sweetheart and a great person. Howard said he gets the feeling that she's not that much fun and must be uptight. David said she's just private. Howard asked him if he's seen her naked. David said he's seen her in a bathing suit but not naked. They were down in Cabo with Adam Sandler as well as Jennifer and Courtney. Howard said he was on vacation and ended up in the same place as Natalie Maines and her husband who is on ''Heroes.'' Howard also found out that Sheryl Crow and Kevin James were down at the same place David was at.
Howard liked how David is in the middle of all of this stuff. David said that they'd go out to dinner and hang out at the pool with these people. Howard asked David if he's still hot for his wife after she had the kid. He said things are great. They still go to therapy once in a while though. Howard said there shouldn't be any problems there and he would do anything she wants.
David said there's some stress in their lives with this new TV show ''Dirt'' that they're producing and they do have to go to therapy once in a while. He said he's still in love with Courtney and things are good. Howard asked him about his first sexual experience which was a threesome. David talked about that and about how he was raised in a Buddhist commune. He said he was only 12 when these two girls took him back to their place and messed around with him. He said they had it down and put on some crazy music and turned on a red light. Howard wanted more details and found out the girls were blowing him. He said it's no wonder he got Courtney Cox. Robin said that he's a cute guy too.
Robin said she was looking at David out in the hall and had forgotten how cute he was. Artie told David that when Brad Pitt dumps Angelina Jolie, he should fuck her. Howard said that Jennifer shouldn't hate Angelina, she should hate Brad for leaving her. David said that Jennifer has a great attitude. David said he actually text messaged Brad when they had their baby and congratulated him on that.
Ralph called in and said that Courtney has been looking hot again. He said he's kind of surprised. David said she hasn't had any work done on her either. Ralph said that it really is great to be in the middle of a high profile break up like that. He was in the middle of the John Stamos thing. Artie said that David should be giving them all of this dirt to promote their TV show ''Dirt'' because it would be some great promotion.
Howard read that David's sister Patricia recently said that their mother used to beat the shit out of them. David said he got some of that but not all that much. She ended up being a marriage counselor when she got over all of that. He said she kind of broke the cycle because she was part of an abusive family herself. Howard said he used to get beat with a hanger by his mother.
Howard asked David what his mother hit him with. David didn't get into details about that but hinted that it might have been her hand. Howard also read that David was into heroin for a while. David said that it was awful and growing up in L.A. was kind of crazy.
Robin asked David about his brother who was getting a sex change operation. David said he still hangs with Alexis and she is kind of crazy. Howard said he feels kind of bad for the dude but he seems like a nice guy... girl... whatever. David calls her his sister but Howard was still trying to get used to that. Howard asked him what he's going to do with the penis. David laughed and said he figures he's going to shove it up inside there. Howard told him not to do it because it's so freakish. Howard said he's going to miss it if he does that. He said that he should just tuck it between his legs.
Howard asked David what his daughter calls Alexis. David didn't seem to be very sure about that. David said that it's actually Aunt Alexis. He said his niece grew up with that and she turned out just fine. Howard said he could see Courtney telling their daughter about how some women have penises. Robin said that it must have been weird telling Courtney that he had a sister like that.
Howard said that he spoke to his sister Rosanna one time and he used to beat off to her a lot years ago. David said that she's still good looking too. Howard asked David to do him one favor. He asked him to tape the whole conversation he has with his daughter about his sister Alexis when they have to go through that.
Howard talked to David about this show ''Dirt'' and found out that Courtney does some sex scenes. Gary heard that she did a masturbation scene in last night's show. David said they can get pretty graphic there but she doesn't show any skin or anything. Howard also talked to him about the birth of their child and how that must have freaked him out to see that mess.
Howard asked David what they do sexually. David said that when it's just the three of them it's the best. Artie said that he pictures them as being the next couple to adopt a black kid. David said that adoption is amazing and he wouldn't mind doing that. They haven't been looking into it though.
Howard noticed that David was looking at his Blackberry phone and wondered if he was being told to stop talking or something. David said it wasn't that at all. Howard got back to the ''Dirt'' discussion and asked more about that show. David spent a minute on that and also talked about this new show he's in called ''In Case of Emergency'' which is on network TV. He said they have Kelly Hu in the show. He told Howard that they open up the show in a massage parlor where she's whacking off Jonathan Silverman. David plays a suicidal guy who is about to kill himself but ends up dropping the gun on his foot and ends up in the hospital where he meets Laurie Loughlin.
Howard asked David what he should watch if he has to choose between the two shows. David told him not to do that, he should watch ''In Case of Emergency'' tonight and watch ''Dirt'' when that's on. Howard asked him how he has time for the kid when they have all of this stuff going on. David said that the kid comes to the set. Howard told him it sounds like he's doing very good.
Howard took some calls for David. One guy asked if Courtney shaves her grundle. He said she leaves some hair there and that's the way he likes it. Artie said he likes it that way as well. Howard asked him if it's ever hard to be with just one woman. David said he doesn't find it hard at all. He said he's just made himself not available that way so it works for him. Howard asked him if he watches porno. David wondered where that question came from. Howard said he was just curious. David was laughing and said he's a really private person and didn't want to talk about that.
Howard asked him where he keeps his porno. Artie said it's probably next to the weed that he doesn't smoke. Howard said he thinks about beating off as soon as Beth goes away. He figures that David rushes to watch the porno when his wife is away so he must think about other women. David said it's not like a real woman he's cheating with or anything. Howard asked him what he likes to see in porn. David said he's not prudish... He said he went through a fertility thing with Courtney and had to masturbate in a room and then walk by the doctors and nurses with a bag of his sperm. He said that must be what porno is really for, medical purposes.
Howard said he knew a guy who donated to a sperm bank like 2 times a week. That guy was able to have his girlfriend jerk him off at home and then he'd rush it to the sperm bank. He wondered why you'd have to do it at the doctor's office. David said they like to have it fresh. Howard asked if Courtney would go to the doctor's office with him. He said he'd go alone. He said the weirdest thing is when they put the sperm and egg together and then some doctor actually impregnates his wife. Howard said David should have had a huge screaming orgasm in the doctor's office when he was jerking off.
Howard gave David some plugs for his show ''In Case of Emergency'' and for ''Dirt'' which airs on Tuesday. King of All Blacks called in and asked if David has ever had sex with Courtney's feet. He said he just did that with his girl's feet last night. David joked and said that's the kind of porno he's into. King was talking about how he can curve his woman's feet into a shape that he can use to get off. He said he likes her feet dirty too.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he'd like David to sign his copy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer the movie and have Courtney rub her breast on it. Howard thought he was joking but the guy was serious. Howard spent a minute talking to David about that and then asked David if he banged any other famous chicks. David wasn't talking about that either. He said Courtney knows, and he knows who Courtney has banged.
Double A called in and said that David is one of the best guests ever. He thought he was stoned on Letterman the other night but David denied he was. He also asked if he's ever spanked it to his sister. Howard told him that was ridiculous and hung up on him.
Howard played some audio from Letterman from the other night where David accidentally called Dave ''Jay.'' Howard played it over and over again and he thought he was saying ''Jay'' but David wasn't sure if he did or not. He said it's possible and maybe he should slip in a ''Dave'' when he does The Tonight Show.
Howard gave David another couple of plugs for his show and all of that stuff. David said the TV schedule is thrown off a bit because the President is making a speech tonight. They've moved ''In Case of Emergency'' to 10 o'clock instead of 9:30.
David talked a little bit about the house that he and Courtney have. David said it's a great house and they have a pool that goes under the roof a little bit. He told him he should come out and check it out sometimes. Howard said that he was out in Malibu one time and it's like a constant party. Howard told him to say hi to Courtney for him. David told him to check out the show too because it's nuts. He said he has a copy of it so he will do that. He went to break a short time later.
Artie said there's no reason not to just listen to the original version. That led to Robin talking about how she heard that there was some TV show that used Train's version of a Led Zeppelin song. Howard talked about the Zeppelin songs that they performed on their show and how great they were. Fred played some of that song and Howard said that's good. He let that song play through.
Howard ended up talking about the Van Halen Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction that he wants to go to. He said it's going to be great with all of the members who have come and gone from the band over the years getting together.
Howard talked about his look over the years and how he started growing his hair long when he was still a teen. He went a little conservative when he went to WNBC after Dee Snider told him to grow it long again. He grew the hair out long and it went into a bit of a bouffant. He had giant hair and didn't know what to do with it until Ralph told him what to do with it.
Howard said he knows he looked like a mental patient back in the WNBC days. His hair was a disaster and he's embarrassed by that. He said he had to hire Ralph to help him get that look under control. Robin said his hair was really out of control and it was all over the place back then. Artie said that even he knew that black leather pants with brown boots looked bad and he's not that good with picking out clothes.
Howard said that he used one guy that would put him into some really weird outfits. He had him in a shirt that was tied up at the midriff. He said that this guy, Mr. Pontey, would put him in these outfits and he knew he looked ridiculous but the guy would tell him he could wear the stuff on the beach and other places. Then one time the guy bought him a suede jacket that was mustard yellow and some pants, a velour shirt and some gay looking shoes. He said that's what he wore on the Bill Boggs show. He said he walked in dressed like that and Shirley Hemphill saw him, not knowing who he was, and looked at him and laughed. She told him that they'd fuck his ass up if he were up in Compton.
Howard said he looked fuckin ridiculous back then. He said that Eddie Murphy used to dress very strange years ago and Howard thinks that Eddie still thinks he looked good. He said that Beth likes to see those old Letterman's and she gets freaked out when she sees him looking that way. He said he made some transition over the years since then.
Howard said he used to not care about his look until he did Letterman a few times and realized how ridiculous he looked. Then he started to care even though he didn't know what stylish meant. Artie said that even his sister says that his look really works for him now. It's not always easy to make that happen.
Artie said that his mother critiqued him on Letterman from last week. He said that the first thing she asked him was why he was wearing a turtleneck.
Howard said that he was reading a story in a Tampa newspaper about Bubba's wedding. He said it's apparently a really big deal down there.
The guys spent a short time talking about Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean and how he came up with that character and took quite risk by doing that. They were wondering if he sold out by doing that movie or not. Howard said that Robert De Niro is a sell out and wondered who isn't a sell out. Robin said that Johnny Depp was a guy who quit ''21 Jump Street.'' because he didn't want to do that kind of stuff anymore but now he's back to doing the same type of thing. She was basically saying that everyone was a sell out.
Howard was going to play some more clips from the People's Choice Awards. He had one where Robin Williams was doing some goofy material like he always does. Howard and the guys picked apart the speech for a short time. Howard then played Ellen Degeneres' acceptance speech. Howard wondered how she has a career as he was listening to her speech. He said she just drones on in her speeches. He's never heard anything like this woman's act.
Howard went through the Ellen Degeneres speech and told her to just shut up. He also had Cameron Diaz accepting her award. JD wasn't even sure what she won for. She was saying how much she loves doing movies and Howard told her to stop rubbing it in, everyone wants to do movies. He'd love to do them as well but he's stuck doing radio.
Howard said he saw Justin Timberlake on Saturday Night Live recently and actually liked the songs he performed. Artie said that Howard loves Dawson's Creek too so it's not surprising that he likes those songs. He said that Howard devours pop culture like no one else, which is a good thing, and he's able to comment on it on the show.
Howard played some of the Justin Timberlake song that he liked but Robin didn't believe he could possibly like it. Howard said he swears he does. JD said that the music was good so Artie goofed on him as well. Artie said that it's not music and it's not singing. Artie wondered how he performed that song live on SNL because it sounds so studio produced.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered if JD is Dan Forman's kid because he sounds like him. Howard said that he looks kind of like him too. Artie said that's funny because Dan had stopped him on the street one time a couple of years ago. He said all he could think about was Fred doing his impression of Dan on the show years ago.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he got a tour of the studios one day before they went on vacation. He thanked everyone for the tour there and said he had left some badges there for them. Artie said he's gotten out of a couple of tickets thanks to those badges. Gary asked what the right move is because he got pulled over about 4 months ago. He said he gave the guy the PBA card with his license and the guy freaked out on him. He said he did what Artie does and the cop freaked out. The caller said that it all depends on the cop who pulls you over.
Gary said he told the cop that his cousin is on the job and that's how he got the card. He said that he eventually broke down and told the cop he wasn't really his cousin and told him the truth. Howard told him that he's an asshole and he should just say that it's his brother who is on the job. He told him he should have stuck with his story. Artie told him he should have broken into tears.
Ronnie said that what you're supposed to do is have all of the badges lined up in your wallet. Then you hand the cop your license with the badge and let them fall out so the cop asks why you have them all. Gary said he has a money clip and keeps his license and PBA card in there. Ronnie said that if you only have one, you don't hand it to him with the license, you keep it in your hand so he can see it. He said you make the cop look like an asshole when you hand him the card.
Howard told Gary that he's as thick as a brick and he would never hand him the PBA card if he got pulled over. Gary thought he was saying that just because Ronnie had told him that's what he's supposed to do. He claims he knew that you're not supposed to hand him the card. Gary said that he's done that before and that didn't work either. Howard went off on him for a short time and Fred played a Baba Booey song parody.
Ronnie said that one time he got pulled over with Howard and he had a whole plaque of PBA cards in his window and the cop ended up taking three of them from him and didn't give them back. He said that it's almost like a get out of jail free card when you have one. You have to do it right though.
Artie said that you play the humble thing and that's the way to make it work. He said that it usually works for him. He said that they do ask who gave him the card and he tells them and it works. Howard said he got pulled over years ago before he was famous and told the cop he didn't know how to drive, he didn't know where to go and she let him go. She didn't want to hear him whine so she let him go.
Gary said he got out of a ticket when he just apologized for doing whatever it was he did. Artie said you never tell the cop you weren't doing what he claims you were doing. That makes the cop look like an idiot.
Bobo called in and said he knows what to do. Before he could get anything out Artie was goofing on his toupee and Howard said that he keeps his PBA card under the toupee. Bobo said that you just admit to what you know you did wrong and then hold off on giving up the PBA card. He said that you can't use that PBA card right away. Another woman called in and said that the PBA card doesn't mean anything to a lot of cops. Gary said it depends on the level of the card though. Gary said his card is a specific section of the department. The woman said that if you have an actual badge, then you can get out of it. She said that the badge is something you give up in the little holder it's in.
Gary said that he had a cop giving him a hard time about parking illegally when he went to pick up food. He said the cop told him he was doing two things wrong. He only came up with the one. Howard told him he was also doing something that his wife should have been doing. Gary said it was actually that he was parked going in the wrong direction.
Artie told a story about a cop pulling him over for going through a red light that had been yellow when he rolled through it. He was in a Mercedes convertible and the cop pulled him over, asked him what he was doing. Artie said he told the cop he was on his way to work on the Norm Show. The cop didn't know who he was or what the show was. The cop asked him about the show and what he did on it and how he could prove he was on the show. Artie had to show him the script to prove that he was actually on the show. The cop said that he was doing him a favor by pulling him over because they really need to do something different over there since he didn't know about the show.
Artie said the cop didn't give him a ticket and jerked him around for like 15 minutes. He went to his car and jerked him around with that and then gave him everything back and told him to tell Norm MacDonald that he's a big fan. He did all of that just to jerk him around.
Artie told another story about this guy driving him home from Albany one time. He said the cop was smoking a joint and there was pot smoke pouring out of the car. Artie got out of the car to puke because he was feeling like crap and a cop pulled up. There was pot smoke pouring out of the car and the cop just shined his flashlight on him, said ''ART-AAAYYY!'' and drove away.
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to get to today and one of them was the prank call that Sal and Richard made using clips of his parents. He said they re-cut the call to include all of the dirty stuff the guy was saying to his mother. He played that call a short time later.
Howard said that Gilbert is so miserable now that he's getting married and has a kid on the way. Gilbert said he's still expecting to wake up and have his old life back. He said he's really not sure why he's going through all of this stuff. He said he's working on a pre-nup and has nothing to do with the wedding planning. He said he has no idea when the date is or when the baby is due. He said he thinks that it's in June.
Howard said he had an interview with the baby already and it said a few things to him. He played some audio clips of what was supposed to be the baby talking about how he uses plastic furniture in the living room and how he's a bigger plug whore than even Jackie the Joke Man. Gilbert got a few laughs out of those clips.
Howard asked Gilbert if this was an accident or what. He said he knows that he's very uncomfortable with the whole thing and wondered if he's seeking help. Gilbert laughed a lot and said he didn't know. He said he's just going from day to day without planning anything. He said he doesn't use birth control because he's so not organized. Artie found it odd that Gilbert got this woman pregnant and doesn't want the kid while David Arquette and Courtney Cox had to go through a whole ordeal to have a kid.
Gilbert broke into his Jewish Rabbi impression while singing some songs. Howard then played some more of the baby clips that they had created. The kid wondered why it couldn't have been Bobcat Goldthwait's kid. The kid also said that its father was too lazy to come up with a new act so he put it on DVD.
Howard gave Gilbert some plugs for a show he was doing and for his DVD. You can find out more about that stuff at GilbertGottfried.com. Howard asked Gilbert if he'll be married before the baby is born. Gilbert said he's pretty sure it will be before then but he's really not sure since she's handling all of it.
Artie said he hates weddings but he pleaded with Gilbert to invite him to his. Gilbert said that Artie could give him some advice about his marriage if he came. He did his Artie impression for a few seconds before Howard got him back to the wedding. Gilbert was asked if he will have a best man like Richard Lewis or someone there. Gilbert said he doesn't have one.
Gary said that Gilbert has agreed to do this wedding thing and it's costing him money at every move and it must be driving him nuts. Gilbert laughed when he heard that. Howard asked him more about the wedding and if he's going to have people like them there. Gilbert laughed again. It sounds like it'll be just close family. Howard said it seems like he's very ashamed that he's getting married. He said Gilbert doesn't really like women so he's not sure why he's doing this. Gilbert was asked if he loves his wife and gave Howard an ''Oh sure...'' and gulped down some water.
Howard asked him if he's ever said ''I love you'' to his wife. Gilbert said he never says anything like that. Artie wondered if he's ever said that in another voice. Howard had an audio clip of Doug Goodstein's baby crying that he played for Gilbert to give him an idea of what he had coming soon to his life. Gilbert said it sounded like a porn baby cry and started to pretend that he was beating off to it.
Howard played some more of the phony baby clips that they had created where the kid goofs on him. He also played a prank call that the guys made to a gay bath house using Gilbert audio clips. They had Gilbert goofing on the guy making all kinds of gay jokes as Dice Clay.
Gilbert was laughing at the phone call as Howard was playing it. Howard gave him some more plugs for his Caroline's appearance and DVD. He congratulated him for being number 7149 on the amazon.com DVD sales list. He also played more of the phony baby talking clips for him. The baby knew that Gilbert didn't want to marry it's mother. The kid also said that Gilbert is called a comedian's comedian which just means that he never made it to the big time. The kid asked to be aborted because it didn't want to go through life as a money lending Jew.
Howard congratulated Gilbert on becoming a family man and asked him if anything gets to him emotionally. Gilbert said he does get worried about his boys overseas after Howard mentioned them. Howard said that Gilbert has never gone to a psychiatrist but maybe he should. Howard said he's actually cut back to 3 days a week now and look at him...
Artie asked if Gilbert has any brothers or sisters. Gilbert has a sister that Howard has met. Howard said they can't wait to see Gilbert wheeling his kid around in a stroller. He's sure that people will take pictures of that.
Gilbert was doing his impression of Artie giving him wedding apparel advice. Steve got back to his report and said that they will have a report about Elegant Elliot Offen's comments about his win in the football pool. Steve said that Joey Boots is shipping off to Iraq and he's doing that to try and get off the drugs. Robin said she heard him talking about that stuff and he's been back on coke and stuff and he just can't get off of it again.
Artie said he's been hearing things about Joey as well and he's really not doing well. He wonders how he can afford to buy the blow. Steve said that there may be another shocking report about Pat O'Brien coming out soon. That led to Howard playing the old Pat tapes where he talks dirty to a woman he was trying to pick up.
Howard mentioned that they have another It's Just Wrong in the works so they need mother's and sons to play the game. Artie said that they've done that in the past and it was the only thing that ever offended him on the show before.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show rundown. Jon said that they'll be talking about the question that came up earlier about who people would rather be, Artie or Ralph. He said that he'd probably take Artie's life over Ralph's if he had to choose. That led to Howard asking who he they'd rather be, Artie or Gilbert. That was a tough one. Robin said that she would have to be Artie because she couldn't live Gilbert's life. Artie wondered how tough it would be to actually be him. Robin said she could never do heroin.
Fred said he would be Artie because he gets laid more. He's had better chicks too. Howard said that he would give the edge to Artie as well. He said that Gilbert is really emotionally crippled inside and he couldn't handle that.
Artie told a story about going to see Gilbert perform about 20 years ago. He had sold out this show and the guy did a great hour long show. He asked Gilbert if he was enjoying his life back then. Gilbert didn't seem to be happy at any time. Artie told everyone that if they want to see that act they saw 20 years ago, they should just go to Caroline's this weekend.
Ralph called in and said that he's never had any drug binges like Robin was claiming. He said that his drug use has never effected the work he does. Ralph then went off on Artie for goofing on him earlier when he said that he'd heard from him to help him get a suit. He said he may or may not have been charging him for the help but he wouldn't know because he never heard back from him. Artie apologized to him because Ralph really was trying to help. Ralph said that he loves Artie and he really would like to help.
Joey Boots was on the phone so Howard asked him what's going on in his life. Joey said he doesn't have the money for rehab so he can't go back there. Howard asked him where he gets the money for the coke. Joey said he can't say where he gets that. Artie said that they could do a benefit show for him and help him out with some money. Joey said that he's trying to get a job right now to straighten himself out. He figures that working will help him get back on the wagon.
Joey said he's in debt of about $25,000 and if he gets over to Iraq, he can make enough to pay that off and to put a lot of money in the bank. He figures he can work for a year and come back with a lot of money. Artie told him to call Levy and set up a benefit show but Joey doesn't want to do that. Howard wished him luck in getting his life back in order and let him go.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Artie he can send his guy over to measure and fit him for a suit that they can get down to Florida by Saturday. Dominic also admitted that he's gained 20 pounds and he's sick every single day of his life. He said that he had lost 100 pounds and gained back about 20-25 even though his wife claims it's 30. He said he's going back in to get the band tightened up in his stomach to stop the puking.
Artie told Dominic to go ahead with the measuring thing and he'd do that on the air. Dominic said he'd get on that right away to make it happen first thing in the morning. Artie wants to pay for everything but Dominic said he was going to cover it. Artie thought that was great.
Jon Hein got back to his show update and mentioned more things they'd be covering and then Howard had Robin start her news.
Howard read some mail during the news. Some people really want Howard's father on the air more often. There are some people who went off on him about his thoughts on the Trump thing. Artie was actually the one who kind of had a problem with Trump's comments about Rosie. He thought that he'd gone a little too far.
Howard also read a letter that Trump had sent out about his conversation with Barbara Walters and sent to Rosie O'Donnell. That led to Howard playing some clips of Donald calling Rosie names on various shows and getting really brutal with his comments.
Howard threw in a few more Gilbert Gottfried baby comments during Robin's news. Some of them were repeated from earlier. Gilbert seemed to enjoy them.
Howard said that Riley Martin's show was on last night at midnight. He had an audio clip of Riley calling Jim McClure and leaving a message asking him for a picture of his newborn niece so he can make up a symbol for it. Riley sounded a little drunk when he called and left the message. He wanted the correct spelling of Penny Crone's name or something crazy like that. Riley told him to take care and to give him a call. Howard said he thought Riley sounded a little incoherent in that call.
Howard said that they were thinking about having Frankie Valli on the show. Artie said that he'd like to have him in because he could talk about the time his father met him when he was like 2 years old. Gary came in and said that Frankie's management told him that he'd be willing to talk about anything. Howard wasn't sure that anyone wanted to hear him talk to a guy from the Four Seasons. He decided to leave it up to Dracula Gottfried. Gilbert went into his Dracula impression and said he wants him and his dead daughter or something like that but Howard cut him off and said he can't say that. Howard told the guys that maybe they should have Frankie in when Gilbert is there.
Gary told some stories about Frankie that Howard really just didn't care about. Gary said that they were talking about Jessica Hahn in the office the other day and about Waylon Flowers and Madam. He asked the interns if they had ever heard of them and they all just looked at him with blank stares. Gary said that the guy who worked the Madam puppet is dead but now there's a new guy who's working it. They claim that it's just Madam working with a new guy. Howard said they had Waylon Flowers on the show one time back at NBC and it was really hilarious to watch this gay dude working the puppet.
Howard went around the room and asked everyone for their opinion on the Frankie Valli thing. Fred said no, Artie said yes, Gilbert said yes... Howard said that maybe they should have Frankie Valli and Madam in there. Artie felt like he was shitting on a great performer but Howard said he really wasn't. That led to Howard doing his Cousin Brucie impression introducing some Four Seasons songs. He had some fun with that for a few minutes.
Artie asked if his mother could come up and meet Frankie that day because she's a big fan. Gary asked him what he would do if Frankie because his step-father. Artie said that would be awesome. He told the guys he tried to get Sam Simon to marry his mother.
Howard asked Dice Gottfried if he wanted Frankie Valli in there. Dice Gottfried said ''OHHHH! His career was over before mine was... OHHHHH!'' He kept up that impression after Robin brought up a story about Steve Irwin's daughter Bindi. He cracked some jokes about how he'd like to ''Bindi her over...'' and some cracks about his stingray. Howard dumped out of one of the jokes because Gilbert had gone a little too far. He said he was saving him from whatever the joke was. He figured Gilbert was having some kind of breakdown making the comment that he had made. Howard said he never dumps out of stuff on satellite but he felt he had to with that comment. Gilbert was laughing hysterically after that as Robin was trying to read her news stories.
Howard said that he had an advance copy of Playboy with that blonde chick from Battlestar Galictica, Tricia Helfer. He showed Artie the pics and he said that he'd like to fuck her honky tits. Artie checked those pictures out and asked Gilbert if she could steal Gilbert away from his wife. Gilbert just laughs when he's asked questions like that.
Robin read a story about how smoking has been banned from cars in a certain area as long as there are kids in the car. That led to Artie arguing that it's getting a little out of hand when they start banning stuff like that. Howard thinks it's a good thing but Artie said that if he wants to smoke in his car, he should be allowed to do it even if his kids are in the car. He said that McDonalds food will kill a kid faster than cigarettes will so they should ban that too.
Ralph called in and asked Howard if he was thinking about bending Beth over and banging her from behind after he saw the scene in Battlestar Galictica where that blonde was bent over. Howard said he's always liked that and it wasn't the show that inspired that thought. Ralph was also saying that the blonde chick's face is kind of busted and she's not so hot. Howard and Artie thought he was out of his mind.
Howard said that during the break he spoke to Gilbert and he's decided to never bring up the baby and marriage again. He said he had a look on his face that made him change his mind. Artie said that he was watching that during the break and Gilbert did have a funny look on his face the whole time.
Ralph had mentioned that Gilbert was kind of quiet today so that got him to the point where he wouldn't shut up. He and Artie were going back and forth throwing jokes out like hand grenades which would set off other jokes. Robin was yelling at them to shut up but they were having too much fun. They ended up doing their Ted Kennedy impressions while Robin was trying to do a story about him.
The one way they discovered to shut Artie up was to play some shitting sounds that Richard Christy had recorded of himself taking a dump. Artie said that was brutal and that would make him stop talking. Howard wrapped up the show not too long after that, it was about 11:20am.
Howard started off the show interrupting ''Hash Pipe'' as it was still playing. He said they got a lot of mail yesterday about his musical tastes. He said he commented on the Pearl Jam remake of The Who's ''Baba O'Reilly'' and he usually likes remakes of songs. He said he's a huge Pearl Jam fan but people thought he wasn't a fan. He said that people also wrote in and told him about how they like Justin Timberlake as well.
Howard read through some of the mail he got about what he said about Pearl Jam. He said he loves their song ''Glorified G'' and some of their other stuff. Artie said he likes some of their songs too but that version of The Who song just wasn't good. Howard continued to read through the e-mail and some people were really pissed about what he was saying yesterday. Some people said he should just go listen to the original if he didn't like the remake.
Artie said he admires that Pearl Jam went for something different but it just wasn't all that great. Fred had the song playing as they were talking about it. Howard then played Pearl Jam's remake of The Who's ''Love Reign O'er Me'' after that. He talked over it telling the guys that he read that Pete Townshend had written the song on all of the black keys only but he didn't think that was true. Howard said this remake was like Karaoke to him. Robin said it just loses something.
Howard brought up that guy Seal and how he only seems to have one hit song but he never has to work again. Robin told him he's got a couple of albums but he never listens to the stations that play it. Howard talked about how black he is and how white Heidi Kluum is next to him. He said he'd love to see their kid.
Artie talked about living with Orlando Jones when he was on MAD TV and he dated a 19 year old girl who was very white. He said it was startling to see them together but it was good for Orlando because she was the hottest chick he'd ever seen.
Howard said that Seal is twice as black as Orlando Jones and four times as black as Robin is. They spent a short time talking about that. Robin said that there's a black guy in ''Blood Diamond'' who is the blackest guy she's ever seen. Artie said that Manute Bol is the blackest guy he's ever seen. He's so black he looks like one of those old racist cartoons. Howard thinks the guy on ''Lost'' is the blackest guy he's ever seen.
Fred was trying to find the remake of a Seal song that Howard had mentioned. He had some trouble but eventually found it. He played that while Howard read through some more of the e-mail feedback about the Pearl Jam song. They also listened to the Alannis Morissette song that Fred had finally found. Artie said he guesses that it's better than the Seal version of the song, it was kind of growing on him.
Howard read some more comments about the Pearl Jam thing. Howard said that he got a ton of letters about that and he's not sure how anyone has so much time to write letters like that. He said people are way too passionate about music. Artie said it is an art form and people are passionate about that stuff.
Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about what's going in Iraq and how no one wants to run that mess of a country. Artie said that a lot of the 20,000 troops that they're sending over there are probably going to die and that really makes it hit home.
Howard said the war over there is a lost cause and everyone knows it. He said he was talking to his daughter about the hanging of Saddam Hussein. He told her that she should never watch it because she'll never get it out of her head. He said he saw R. Bud Dwyer blowing his head off and that never left him. He also saw this guy get beheaded one time and that was really disturbing to him as well. He said he knows what's going to happen but he's curious to see what happens.
Artie asked if he would put that video of the beheading on Howard TV. Howard said he would never do that because there are some things he just won't do. He said it's fine to put chicks on showing their titties but not something like that.
Artie said it really seems really strange when the war is going on over there and people are arguing over which version of a song is better, Pearl Jam's or The Who's.
Howard said a fan tuned in to see the 18 year old (Haydn) chick from last week on Howard TV and she wasn't there, the 50 Cent interview was up instead. The guy said that Doug Goodstein must be a homo for putting that show up instead of Haydn's. Howard said the guy makes a good point when he says that hot chicks should be up first. Howard said he agrees and the hot chick should have been up first.
Gary came in and told Howard that Ralph got a bonus last year and bragged about it. Howard said there's something weird that goes on with him and that kind of thing. He seems to like to brag about that stuff. Gary thinks it validates his relationship with Howard.
Artie said that Ralph is the kind of guy who will get a huge bonus but then he won't pay for lunch. Howard had some clips from The Wrap Up Show to play. Artie said he talked about the Ralph thing but they also talked about how he had pissed Robin off during her news yesterday. Robin said she wasn't pissed, she just couldn't hear herself talking when she was reading some news stories.
Eric the Midget called in and asked to be called Eric the Actor. Howard said ''Whatever...'' and let him continue. Eric said he's getting tired of Jessica Hahn and Ralph's phone calls. He said they had them on too many times yesterday. Howard said he gets a lot of e-mail about how they have Eric on too much so he's in the same boat as Ralph and Jessica. Artie added that he's small enough to fit in that boat too. Eric shot back and said that Artie can't fit in any boat.
Howard said he knows that Ralph loves when Eric calls in. Gary said Ralph wanted to make it the Eric show when they were doing the Friday Show. Eric said he's just going by what other people are saying about Ralph. Robin asked him what he thinks about him. Eric didn't know if he was interesting and had a hard time saying that he didn't think he was interesting.
Eric asked Howard if he knows when he's having another Film Festival. Howard said they're not even sure if they're having another one. He's got some ideas for movies but he doesn't want to spoil it. Artie said he has one word about a movie he'd like to make... Benjy. Gary said a movie about Benjy would be great because he's such a strange guy. He explained how he's got all kinds of weird mixes of tea and stuff like that. Benjy said all he had was a green tea packet and an orange tea packet, that was it.
Howard said that the right way to measure is to cut your height in half and that should be your waist size. He asked Eric how tall he is. Eric said he's 3'5'' tall but he didn't know what his waist size was. Eric said he was measured but he didn't remember what it was. Artie said that he's 5'10'' tall so his waist size should be a 35. He figures that's about what it was last year. Now it's probably a 50.
Howard said they should get the tailor in there to do the measuring. Gary said his name was Anthony. Howard said hello to him and let him get in a plug for his business which was something like Gilberto Designs. Howard asked him what size he thinks Artie is. Anthony said he was ''big'' and guessed that it was probably going to be a 44. He said he thinks that he wears his pants under his stomach and he was right. He said he'll make sure he puts his pants in a spot where they won't fall down.
There was some discussion about having Artie wear some suspenders. Artie said he's done that before and wouldn't be against it. Howard said that maybe he should wear a dress instead because he has gotten so big. Anthony said that he doesn't just do fat guys like this, they also make suits for athletes and others.
Artie insisted on paying Anthony for the measuring. Anthony said that Dominic Barbara was going to take care of it though. Anthony is sending the suit down via FedEx tomorrow night so Artie has it in time for the wedding on Saturday. Howard said he's going to be wearing a tux but no tie.
Artie said he spilled some peppers and eggs on his good cargo pants last night so now he doesn't have any clean pants to wear down there.
Anthony said that he's suggesting something in solid navy or solid black. Artie said he'd prefer black because it's for anything. Jessica Hahn called in during that discussion and yelled at Eric the Midget. She said that she was the one who called into his show and congratulated him when he was on. She went off on him for a short time and said that she's never asked Howard for anything like he has. Eric told her to go find another TV Evangelist. Jessica continued to go off on him about being so ungrateful. She wanted him to shut up and goofed on him about his acting credits and the one or two lines he had in that show he was on. Jessica said that he has added nothing to the show at all while she has.
Howard asked Eric if he wanted to respond. He asked Jessica if she wanted to join AARP. The guys thought that was a good response from him. Jessica said that he knows nothing about her and has no right going off on her like that. Eric bragged that his thread on SternFanNetwork is more popular than hers. It's actually Johnny Fratto's thread though. Jessica said that it has nothing to do with Eric but Eric said ''I'm in there too...'' so he's taking credit for bringing people in there.
Eric went off on Jessica for something she had done to him. Howard cut them off and asked the two of them if they would fly down to Bubba's studio and fight in the octagon down there. Eric said that the reason he asked about the Film Festival was to say that he would go to it if they have one. Howard said he'd like to see him there. Robin didn't seem so interested though.
Howard got back to Anthony and asked him if he was going to take some money for this. Artie insisted that he take his money so Anthony agreed to take it if he was going to refuse. Howard told Anthony to go ahead and measure him. The guys all guessed at what he would measure at the waist. They were all up around 44 inches there.
Anthony went in to measure his stomach and found that he's at 55 1/2 inches. That's the biggest point of his stomach. That's not what his pants were going to be. His chest was 53 inches according to Anthony. He said his over arm was too big for his tape measure. He had a special tape measure because that one was too short. He came up with 62 1/2 in that area. He said his ''point to point'' was 22 1/2 inches.
Anthony was also saying that Dominic is the same measurements in all areas because he's shaped like a box. He said that his measurements used to be 53, 53, 53. He got back to Artie and said the length is going to be 32 inches. He still had to do the pants measuring so he finished up with the sleeve which was 24 inches.
Howard got out of all of that and stopped listening to all of the measurements. He went back to them after Anthony had measured Artie's ''gunt.'' Gary said it was 50 1/2. The waist was actually 48 and the 50 1/2 was his seat. Howard listened in as Anthony continued to measure.
Howard wanted Anthony to measure Jason as well because he's gotten kind of fat. Gary had him go measure Jason and he came up with a waist size of 46. His seat was 52 1/2 so he was bigger than Artie in that area. Howard told them to finish up the measuring and got back to his e-mail.
Howard mentioned that they're all heading down to Florida today for Bubba's wedding. Fred told him that the weather is supposed to be good down there with temperatures around 80.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's kind of worried about Artie's weight. He just saw him recently after not seeing him since he was on the E! show. Howard said that Artie has lost weight before so he should be able to do it again. The caller also asked Robin if she was really upset yesterday after the show. She said she wasn't mad at all and they were making a big deal out of nothing. The guy really enjoyed the show when Artie and Gilbert were doing their thing during the news.
Howard took another call from a guy who congratulated them on their 1 year anniversary. That led to him reading some e-mail about the same subject. People were wishing him luck with this next year. Howard said that there wasn't much of a big deal made about how bad their old radio station is doing in the ratings. He wondered if they're paying people off or something because there's no big deal being made about their low ratings. He said that if he was off but the slightest amount, they'd print stories about it all over the place.
Howard had a guy on the phone who asked who wrote the Ralphie Cakes song parody. Howard said it's a comedian friend of theirs by the name of Mike Morse. Fred played the song and Howard took another phone call. The caller wanted to let Artie know he loves him. Artie was back and thanked him for that. The guy said that the measurements they were taking made it sound like they were going to be putting aluminum siding on him. The guy was also saying that he's very happy that they're such big supporters of the cops. He said that some of the guys had done a benefit show for a cop he knew.
Howard took another call from a guy who joked that it was going to be cold down there in Florida. Howard hung up on him because he knew he was full of shit. Hook Nose Mike called in and said that it was 50 degrees down there this morning but it warms right up. Howard told him to do better than 50 or they're going to turn around and go down to Miami instead. Howard said it's supposed to be 80 degrees in Tampa tomorrow.
Robin said it sounds like Ralph shoveled some snow when he was a kid and now he's retired. Howard played more of that show where Artie and Ralph were talking about the whole work ethic thing and how Artie is working multiple jobs while Ralph has just one job where he has all of this freedom. Ralph also bragged about getting a check from Howard for Christmas and how he hadn't cashed it yet. That's what led to Ralph calling Beth yesterday and asking her if she feels guilty taking stuff from Howard like he does. The guys talked about how creepy those comments are coming from Ralph.
Artie went off on Ralph for taking stuff from Sam Simon and stuff like that. He and Ralph went back and forth on that and other stuff. Gary said that after the show they were talking about how Ralph was making it seem like the check could have been a million bucks but they know that's not possible.
The guys talked about how Ralph takes advantage of Sam Simon who gives him these free trips and even gives him some money to spend while they're on vacation. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ralph is doing a job because he has been dressing Howard nicely for a long time now. Howard said that Ralph could have helped Artie get fit for a suit but Dominic came through with a better deal. Artie said he had to take Dominic's deal because the guy was going to come to the studio to measure him and ship the suit to him.
Gary said that Ralph makes it seem like he's working 24 hours a day when he may be working something like 40 hours a week or something like that. The caller said that Artie went on Letterman wearing the worst looking shirt and maybe Ralph is more valuable than they think he is. Robin said that it's the way Ralph works his life around that one special thing he does.
Howard told her that calling Eric an asshole makes him a normal person. Most people ignore him and refuse to say anything bad about him. Howard said that Jessica has a normal body and this young man Eric is confined to a wheelchair. He was trying to make her cry even more. She was still very upset and sobbing. He told her he just wanted to hear her cry more.
Howard said that every day Eric just wants to feel some love and she had to crush him. Howard asked her if she would blow Eric to make up for it. She quickly said ''Noo'' to that. Howard and the guys talked about how bad Eric looks with his blotchy skin and stuff. Jessica wondered if he does anything during the day. They all figured that he doesn't do much of anything. Howard let Jessica go after she apologized one more time. He said it was time to go to break after that. They spent a couple more minutes talking about this special show that's going to be honoring Will Smith for his movie career. They went to break after that.
Howard said that JD is going to the AVN (Adult Video News) Awards this week and the porn chick he banged, Kimberly Kane, is up for an award. JD swears he's not sure what award she's up for. He will be presenting an award with comedian Carrot Top as well.
JD said that he and Kimberly stay in touch but don't talk every single day. Artie told him he could use this joke when he's up on stage with Kimberly and carrot Top. He could say that it's great to be on stage with someone who fucks people for money... and also Kimberly Kane.
Howard and the guys goofed on JD's mumbling a little bit. Artie said that his friend Jim Norton hosted that show one time and the chicks in the audience were sucking each other's tits and stuff. He said it was pretty crazy.
Howard said that on Fox and Friends yesterday they were talking about how he makes too much money. He said they never get the compensation right and they now have him up to $800 million. He said he's doing very well but not as well as they're claiming he is. He said they did a great commercial for the show though so he had to play the clip. In the audio clip one guy said that you can't listen to the show for more than 30 seconds because it's so obscene now. One woman seemed clueless about Howard's old show on terrestrial radio and didn't know that it was FCC regulated.
One guy said that the news on Howard's show is still very good because it was like a pre-cursor to the Daily Show. Robin liked that but not that they were complaining about the cursing on the show. Howard said that a lot of shows have borrowed from his show, like Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect.
Artie said that he once used this butler that Howard had at the hotel they were staying at in Vegas one year. He said he used that guy like crazy. Robin said that she would never bother anyone to do anything for her. She'd rather do it herself.
Lisa G got to her Howard 100 News rundown. She said they're going to be covering the whole Bubba wedding and interviewing everyone who has anything to do with it. That led to the guys talking about how Bubba goes to church and stuff even after all of the wacky stuff he does on his show. Howard said that he was going to the church to see Bubba's wedding but Artie said he wasn't going to the church, he was just going to the reception. Howard told him not to be like that and he really should show up.
Lisa said that they spoke to an etiquette expert who told them that it's not good to get really drunk at a wedding. Howard said that Ronnie should listen to that. He said Ronnie called him the other night and told him that his wife Bonnie wasn't going to be able to go. He knew she was sitting right next to him because he was so serious when he left the message. He knows that Ronnie will be thrilled when he goes to the Dollhouse strip club.
Robin said that he heard Ronnie asking Fred if he was going to be his date for the weekend because he was flying solo. Ronnie said he feels really bad about his wife being sick and he was trying to be nice. Ronnie said he got a pass to go to the Dollhouse since there is no Scores down there.
Lisa said they'll be talking to Bubba's future wife about whether or not she'll be changing her name to Mrs. Love Sponge. Howard said she'll be Mrs. Clem since Bubba's last name is Clem.
Lisa also said that Rosie O'Donnell said some nice things about him on her blog. She said that she had posted a story about the bonus he got from SIRIUS and said he was quite a businessman. Lisa was saying that she think that Donald Trump isn't fighting fair in this battle he's having with Rosie. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about that.
Howard also played a clip from a WWE Wrestling Match where they had a couple of impersonators pretending to wrestle as Rosie and Donald. Howard said when they do this stuff it always looks like TV from 50 years ago. JD said that the clips are kind of funny when Vince is announcing them. Howard played a couple of them but said he couldn't get through them. Howard wondered who is watching this shit. Artie said that there are a lot of people watching it, unfortunately. He said that the 15 million people who bought Larry the Cable Guy's CD are the people watching this stuff. Howard bailed out on the clips because they were so bad. Lisa G was done with her news preview so Howard let her go.
Artie said he has to see what the host of the show looks like because he sounds so funny. He said that call was fantastic. Howard thinks that they'll be calling them some more. Artie said that the call reminds him of the hot monkey love call that Captain Janks made one time. Howard had that call to play so Artie asked him to please play that one. Howard knew the call so well that he could almost recite it word for word. He went through some of it and then asked Fred to play it but Fred didn't have it. He said he asked Jason and Scott to get him a copy of that the last time they wanted it. Gary said he was looking into it and said they'd have it by Monday. Howard didn't want to wait until Monday.
Gary said that the call didn't make it into the Prophet system but he's not sure why. Gary then told Howard that they did have it and they were going to put it up on the screen. Gary said that he would put it up and let him know when he had it. Howard told him to stay in his office and let him know from there instead of running in there. Gary had it up a second later but it was the wrong call. It was Janks' Mother Angelica call. Gary said he has to look around and find the call. Artie said he requested the call just a few days ago and they should have had it up sooner.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie is out of control crow baring his way into every conversation. He said that he's very fat too and he looked disgusting on Letterman the other day. Artie asked him if he got his DVD ''Beer League'' yet. The guy said he did get it and it was great. Artie apologized for talking so much yesterday, he knows he was a bit talkative.
Howard said that this is the way they operate there, they build up that prank call and then it turns out they don't have it. He changed subjects and talked about how shitty his old company treated him when he was on terrestrial radio. He said the ratings for the station are in the toilet and he should read them for everyone. He pointed out that they used to say that he was replaceable but it's now obvious that he's not. They took Howard for granted and now they're paying.
Howard played the audio where Shuli is banging this chick and she's saying she's going to cum. In the clip it sounds like he's giving it to her good too. Howard said Shuli must be pretty good. Shuli doesn't make much noise himself but the girl is getting off. Howard said he figured it must be a fake but then she gives him oral and it sounds pretty real. He played that clip and wondered what was going on there. Artie was grossed out hearing it but said it wasn't just because it was Shuli.
Howard asked if the guys wanted to hear Shuli cum. Robin said she did but Artie wasn't into it. Shuli was asking her if she was ready for Daddy's cum or something so Artie took his headphones off so he didn't have to hear it. Howard said that Shuli had stepped up and came through for them.
Captain Janks called in so Howard wondered why he doesn't have that call they were looking for. Janks said he sent his archives to them up there and they must lose them or something. Howard said they have some kind of hole in their system there. Gary said that he's the man who should be getting the tapes, not Dan the Song Parody Man.
Gary said that Scott had the call and they'd have it within a minute. Howard wondered what else is missing from the system. Gary told Janks to send the stuff to him, not to anyone else. Janks said they just pulled it off his web site so they do have it now. Howard thanked Janks for that and said that he's great.
A caller told Howard that he found the Janks call on Google within seconds. Gary said that's how they found it as well so that guy didn't find it any quicker than they can. They did have to transfer it to a format that Howard could play though so that's what was taking so long.
Howard said that he will talk to Gary about that stuff on the flight down to Florida today. That led to them talking about who would be on the flight down there. Artie can't make it so he won't be going with everyone. He's doing Conan tonight and then flying down. The guys talked about the stuff that Bubba wants them to do when they get there even though they want to just relax.
Artie said that he went to Turks and Caicos one time and Dana came back with a bunch of things she wanted to do and he wanted to do nothing. He ended up going out on a boat with a guy while Dana went scuba diving. Howard said it's a good thing that they broke up then. Howard said that Artie shouldn't be with a go-getter like that if he's going to be so lazy. Artie said that the reason they're not together is because he's a heroin addict.
Gary came in and let Howard know that they had the Janks call ready to play. Howard joked that he didn't want to play it now but went right ahead and played it. Artie was laughing his ass off at the call, especially when the old guy would slur his words and made dopey comments about the whole thing.
Howard said that Janks is the only Kathie Lee impersonator in the world and the people on that show thought it was a woman calling in. Howard said that Janks is really experiencing horrible karma just like they said he would in that call. He's still working at a gas station.
Howard said he got up at 2 in the morning last night and Beth had already left the bedroom. He figured he'd beat off since she wasn't there. He thought about the chick who they were talking about during yesterday's show. Artie took those pictures home yesterday since he was so into her. Howard said he didn't bother Beth last night to have sex because he just had to beat off and get back to bed. He said he has a go-to girl that he uses to make sure he gets off quick. He only needs about 5 strokes and he's done.
Howard said that the chick he thinks about was so dirty... He said she wanted to screw him but he didn't do anything other than oral. Fred was playing some oral gagging clips but Howard said no chicks sound like that with him.
Howard read an article about how Jenna Jameson is upset with her male co-stars who have to take viagra to perform with her. He said he had to go to break but they had Steve-O coming in and he's been up to some weird stuff. He said he was watching a show he was doing where he was inhaling some kind of gas and almost knocked himself out. He had a clip from this movie ''National Lampoon's TV The Movie'' where Steve-O does his thing with the gas. Steve-O is so out of it he can't even speak.
Tim Sabean came in wearing white socks and loafers with buckles on them kind of like Michael Jackson did many years ago. Artie also said that Tim is built like the Burl Ives cartoon character that tells you the Rudolph story at Christmas.
Howard let Tim go and had Steve-O come in. He gave him a plug for this DVD he's out promoting called ''National Lampoon's TV the movie.'' Steve had a new tattoo on his arm so Howard checked that out. It was a picture of himself and he said he had to buy the rights to the image himself for five grand... even though it's a picture of himself. He wanted to put it on t-shirts and stuff like that.
Howard wondered who would want a shirt like that. Artie said he'd probably buy one although he once bought a Bruce Springsteen t-shirt and wondered what the hell he was going to do with it. Howard asked Steve if he had heard the story about the guy who stapled his hand to a table and had to be rushed to the hospital. Steve hadn't heard it but figured the guy was a wuss if he had to go to the hospital.
Robin wondered if Steve could be tortured and get through it without breaking down because he's got such a high pain threshold. Steve didn't think he could do it. Artie said that he once took a hammer and smashed his finger with a hammer just to see how much pain he could take when he was on heroin. He said he doesn't remember the pain but he did fuck up his fingers pretty good.
Howard asked Steve what the most hard core thing is that he's done. Steve said he's done a lot of stuff and once injected 5 ounces of vodka into his arm. He said he could feel it burning and it fucked him up pretty good. He said he had just met this nurse who had been fired from a hospital to actually do the injection. Artie saw him do a stunt where he put honey and marshmallows on his body and let a wild bear lick it off him. Howard thinks that's crazy because it's a wild animal that could easily kill him.
Howard talked to Steve about Steve Irwin getting killed and how they've destroyed the tape of that so no one will ever see that. Steve said that he'd love to see that tape. They spent a short time talking about how Steve Irwin was still in his Crocodile Hunter outfit even when he was in the water.
Howard asked Steve if he was pleased with Jackass Number 2 making $73 million. He said he was very happy with it but that was just what they made there in the States. He thought that the rest of the world combined was about the same as they made here. They've released it on DVD as well so it's been pretty crazy with that too. Steve said that he thinks he's getting a cut of the movie but he hasn't gotten anything but he hopes to get pretty god damn rich from it.
Steve said he won't gamble the money and he doesn't have a car or a house so he just gives it to his father to invest for him. Howard asked Steve if they've made like $150 million with that movie, Steve must be a big star. He said that he's he number one credit in this movie ''National Lampoon's TV the movie.''
Howard talked to Steve about the nitrous oxide that he inhales in the movie and how messed up it made him. Steve spent a short time talking about how messed up he got. He said he took an acting role on The O.C. as well but the part wasn't all that demanding. He played a drunk Marine in that show.
Steve-O said that he is taking jobs that would allow him to do things other than the Jackass thing. He said it wasn't even really acting in the National Lampoon thing. Howard asked Steve what his drug of choice is these days. Steve said he's been sticking to marijuana lately. He's taken acid before and it got a little too heavy for him at certain time. He's done plenty of cocaine but never smoked crack. He's done crystal meth and he's also a big fan of ketamine. He also likes Ecstasy.
Howard read that Steve was thinking of giving up on drugs. Steve said he started to become unprofessional when he was on coke so it was getting in the way of his work. He said he'd be up for 3 days in a row and then he'd have to sleep for 18 hours in a row. Howard wondered how he gets the money for that, does he have to get it from his father or what? Steve said that his business manager takes care of the money.
Howard said that Steve must be getting all kinds of chicks now that he's so popular in the movies. Steve said that things have gotten really good for him. He said he kind of screwed up by talking about masturbating in Nicole Richie's bed. He said that famous chicks know that he's going to be talking about them when he's done with them so they tend to stay away from him now. Howard asked him if Nicole Richie had called him after he was on the show talking about that. He said she wasn't mad at all and told him the movie was awesome.
Howard asked Steve if he's been to Lindsay Lohan's house and stuff. He said she lives in a hotel and he has been in her hotel room. Howard said that must be great for him because he was a bum before and now he's hanging out with stars like Lindsay. Howard wondered what Steve is going to do now that Johnny Knoxville may not want to do another Jackass movie. Steve said he stays in touch with Johnny and he's still his friend. He's not sure about doing another movie. He said he can't speak for anyone's intention to do another movie. He's not sure what they would do.
Steve said that he wants to do a trick called the Stinky Pinkie so they may chop off one of the guy's fingers and stick it up someone's ass. He thinks that would be just one of the stunts they could do on the show. That led to the guys coming up with more ideas for what they could do with the finger. Artie said they could eat the finger, shit it out and then eat it again. Steve said they'd have to put it in a condom to keep the stomach acid from eating it up. Howard said this is the creative process for Jackass in progress.
Howard asked Steve how he's doing. Steve said that he went to get a physical and he was told he's doing just fine. Howard said that if he died filming a movie that his family probably wouldn't want it to be released. Steve said he'd probably have something in his contract that would allow them to use the footage.
Steve said that dating hot chicks has become a pain in the ass for him. He said that every time he fucks a girl they think that they're his girlfriend and they're not. He was also saying that he really likes to spoon with the chicks he's with and he's even done that with hookers. He said that he's never had a hooker in America, only in countries where there's a language barrier. He talked about getting blown with a condom on and said he has a hair trigger down there so he has no problem getting off.
Howard asked Steve if he's pre-mature when he's with a chick or if he's just done in 2 pumps. Steve said that is kind of pre-mature but that is the way he is. Howard said he's the same. He asked Steve who he's been hanging out with lately. Steve said that he hangs with Paris Hilton sometimes and she once brought him to Vegas on a private jet to go to a party. He said he didn't bang her though. He said she's usually with her boyfriend Stavros when he sees her so that's why he can't get her. He also figures that he'd be out bragging about it if he did.
Steve said that he scored with one of the Real World chicks. He said that when he was pumping her she was on the TV screen so that was kind of cool. Howard told him he should try to get Oprah. He mentioned that people can get a cast of Steve's balls by going to VillageVoice.com.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that jacking off on Nicole Richie, it inspired him to create a web site. He asked Steve if he would ever staple his lips shut. Steve said that sounds like a step backwards for him so it's not that big of a deal.
Howard said that Sal and Richard wanted to challenge Steve again. The last time Steve was in the two of them burned their sacks over a candle. Today they had another challenge for him. The two of them came in and said they wanted to challenge him to a rubber band snapping to the balls. Steve said it sounds like a step backwards for him and didn't want to do it.
Richard wanted to do another one where they would twist their cocks to see how many times they could do it. Richard said he could do it 3 times. Sal said he can do it 7 times. Steve didn't want to do that either. Sal said they had one more and wanted to do a penis tug-of-war. They would hook up the rubber band to their penis and walk backwards toward a line and see who could get there first. Steve said he's never been hit on by dudes more than these two. He was feeling creeped out by the whole thing.
Howard said these two do act kind of gay. Sal asked him if he would stick his dick in tobasco. Steve didn't want to do that either. Steve said he had some stuff planned for the show too. He said he wanted to get in a plug for his web site SteveO.com which is something new he's started up. He said he started fresh after the old site kind of went sour.
Steve said he did this MTV Cribs parody and became a white rapper in the video. He wrote and performed the worst rap song in that bit. He said people thought it was hysterical so now Universal Records wants him to record an album.
This guy Sam Macaroni came in and said that he was the director on the National Lampoon movie and he's going to be the beat box for this song ''Down with STDs'' that he was going to perform. Sam did his beat box thing and Steve sang the song which was horrible. They seemed to have fun performing the song though. Howard asked them what they were on when they wrote that. Sal was break dancing during the song so Howard told him that was some nice dancing. Steve said he might have to bring him on tour with him.
Howard congratulated Steve on that whole thing and thanked him for coming in. He gave him some plugs for the National Lampoon thing and then asked Sal and Richard if they wanted to do their tug-of-war. They were going to tie a rubber band to their peckers and then start pulling. Steve said that Sal has an ant eater down there. They tried putting the rubber band on but they were experiencing technical difficulties. Sal's side fell off.
Sal and Richard started to pull until they got to the line they had to pass. Richard won but Steve said that these guys are even older than him and they're just starting out with this stuff. He said he gets a hard time from people for doing the stuff he does but they're even older.
Richard demonstrated the twisting of his penis for Steve and then Sal spit on him. Artie left the studio during that segment according to Howard. Howard congratulated Steve again and said he'd love to hear his celebrity sex stories, even if it's off the air. Steve told him that he really over did it with the Ketamine on New Years Eve. He said he met up with K-Fed and got really messed up with him. He said he's actually a nice guy.
Howard talked to Steve about which celebrities have rejected him. He said he tried to get a date with former MTV VJ Kennedy one time but she rejected him. Howard asked the guys about the movie that they were promoting and found out that it was Sam's first time directing. Sam said that this movie is so dirty that Steve's family got freaked out by it. They weren't freaked out by the Jackass movies but this one did it. They have all kinds of weird stuff going on in this one.
Ralph called in and said he's wondering how Steve gets laid. He saw Steve on this show Blind Date and he didn't think he could get any chicks. Steve said he fucked that chick even though they made it look like he didn't. He said that was back in 2001 too. He said he hung in there with her for 2 months and eventually got her. Howard wondered if Steve tells these girls that he's going to get sick of them and get rid of them. Steve said he likes traveling and fucking girls all over the country and leaving them behind.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she was proud of him for coming out against he Ringling Brothers circus. Steve said that they treat the animals like shit in those circus things so he got kind of bummed out by the whole thing. The woman on the phone said you can see Steve's whole rant at PETA2.com
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Steve what he thinks about Wee Man appearing in that cop show. He said he also heard that Steve had gotten a hand job from a guy. Steve denied having ever done that but he did kiss the head of a man's penis one time. He never answered the Wee Man question. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard wondered if the end of the Adams Family was due to the upgrade to color TV back then. The guys also talked about how great The Honeymooners were and how they only shot 39 episodes of that show. Howard moved on to Mike Walker who was on the line. He quickly gave him a plug and then got into the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said he got some weird news. He said that Doug Herwitt sent this to him. He said that there's a story on this site called FlyOnTheWall.com is saying that XM and SIRIUS are going to announce a merger today. He's not so sure that it's true though. He read the article and they claim the announcement will be made at an Auto show today. Howard said they do have a list of reasons why it probably won't happen. He said that in the headline they claim that it is happening but then they say that it's not happening in the article.
Howard said that it might be good for the two companies to merge because they could have football and baseball on one service. There are a lot of things that they'd have to change though and he wondered who would be in power after the merge. He wondered if Mel would leave and if Scott Greenstein would remain in his position. He said he'd like to merge his show with Oprah and Gayle. It could be good for the satellite radio business though. He said that maybe Oprah and Gayle could replace Sal and Richard and have a penis tug-of-war.
Howard said he loves the management team there at SIRIUS and he's not sure what would happen in a merger. He said that SIRIUS has brought XM to their knees and he'd like to go through with a funeral for them some day. Scott the Engineer came in and gave Howard an article about how the FCC wouldn't approve a merger between the two companies. They didn't do it for satellite TV when they wanted to merge DirecTV and Echostar. Howard thinks that this is a different story because satellite TV offers the same content while satellite radio has different programming on each.
The guys wondered what they'd call the company if they did merge. Howard said he'd want to keep it SIRIUS because that's who he works for. Artie thought they should call it Sirum. They threw around some other names like SM and Sirius-X. They spent a little longer talking about the possible merger and what would happen.
Howard said that David Arquette left there all shook up yesterday. He was worried that he had said something that might make it into the tabloids. He said that a couple of tabloids picked up on the stuff he talked about and wrote about it. Howard said he was reading some of the stuff and it does seem pretty interesting when he reads it in an article. He said that the people online were commenting about him and saying that he has no right to talk about that stuff on the air. Howard said he feels bad for him after seeing that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she doesn't think that a merger would happen. Her husband works for a car dealer and he knows that no one wants XM, they all want SIRIUS. Howard said that's right and he'd like to keep going the way they're going. He wants to crush XM eventually so he hopes the merger doesn't happen.
Howard said he got a lot of mail about Mariann from guys who said they went and beat off to her picture that was up on his web site. Fred said a lot of guys are hot for her. He read through some of the mail and one guy said he wasn't able to beat off when he thought about that voice. Other guys were saying that they were able to beat off to her.
Howard said that Jeff the Drunk left a message for him complaining that they didn't pick up the phone when he called to wish a happy anniversary. He played the call and he used a lot of F-words in there. Howard said Siobhan is also looking for a face to face meeting with him. He played that voice mail where Siobhan said she wants to talk to him without any cameras. Howard said that's one person he wouldn't want to be in a meeting with alone.
Gary said that Big Foot scares him because he's so big and he wouldn't want to be in a room alone with him. Howard said he thinks Big Foot is a gentle soul. Robin and Artie said that Elegant Elliot Offen is one they'd be afraid to be alone with. Howard said Siobhan is creepy and he couldn't be in a room with her alone. Howard said he could hang with Beetlejuice or Gary the Retard. Robin said she'd love to talk to Beetlejuice for a half hour alone. Artie agreed and said he'd do the same thing. Jon Hein agreed and said he'd have to pick Beetle as well.
Howard said he'd like to sit with Fred. He said he likes Siobhan but he doesn't think he could really help him out. He doesn't know what to tell Siobhan. Artie said he can't even get a meeting alone with Howard. Ralph called in and said the same thing. He can't get a meeting with Howard.
Steve Langford continued his Howard 100 News preview and mentioned that Shuli would be covering Artie's Conan O'Brien appearance tonight. That led to Howard replaying some of Shuli's sex tape. Artie took off his headphones again during the replay.
Steve wrapped up his news preview and said that they'll have some stuff about Joey Boots who is trying to get his life in order again. Jon Hein gave a quick rundown of what they had coming up on The Wrap Up Show. He had a bunch of subjects and then Howard went to Mutt who was on to give a rundown of the Superfan Roundtable. Mutt said they'll be talking about the upcoming wedding down in Florida. They'll also be talking about Robin's nephew not being allowed to go to the Dollhouse. Howard thanked Mutt for that update and then got Ralph back on the line.
Ralph went off on Howard about sitting around with his Us Magazines and stuff. Howard tried to talk more to him but he may have hung up on him accidentally. Bubba called in after that and told Howard that they don't have any agenda for them down there, they can do anything they want while they're there. Howard said he thought they had all kinds of stuff planned. Bubba said he's had a lot of hot single girls who want to come to the ceremony so he was thinking of hooking Artie up with some of them. Artie didn't even want to go to the ceremony. Bubba asked if he wants him to set up those chicks for him or let him do it on his own.
Bubba had a problem with Ralph so Ralph got back on the phone and asked him what his problem was. Bubba told him to call into his show and they'd go over that stuff. Ralph said there's an over/under pool going on with Bubba's wedding. Ralph said he's going to go with over a year in the pool himself. Bubba said that she's not after him for his money because he really doesn't have much. He has a nice house down there in Tampa that might be worth 2 million or so. Bubba said he'll have a pre-nup and it's worked out so she gets more money the longer she's with him. Howard wanted to know what he'd get for fucking him for a year. Bubba didn't want to get into that stuff. Howard joked that Bubba even took the under in the pool.
Howard asked Bubba if he's worried that their sex life won't be the same in a year. Bubba said she's really freaky and he can't imagine it changing. The guys talked about how Heather will probably be showing some boob in her wedding dress. Howard said he and Beth were discussing that the other day and wondering if they were going to be on display. Bubba said that he paid for those things so he'll want to see them out.
Bubba let the guys know that he's up around 271 pounds right now and the lowest he's ever been was 259 when he first met them. He's only about 6 pounds heavier than usual at this point. Howard asked Bubba what his waist size as because Artie was like 55 inches. Artie argued that it was 48 1/2 inches. Gary had all of the numbers and the gut was 55 inches. The 48 was his waist but Howard argued that the measurement was taken under his gunt.
Howard asked Bubba if it's going to be swimming weather for them. Bubba said that for them it'll be swimming weather but no one down there swims in January. He said they're also going to be the whitest people there. Bubba also told Howard that Hulk Hogan's daughter Brooke is going to be at the wedding. Bubba started to get all creepy talking about how hot she is for an 18 year old but he stopped himself because he's such good friends with Hulk and his family. Bubba said he's pretty sure that she's really still a virgin too. Howard asked him if he thinks she's ever had a finger in there. Bubba wasn't going to answer that. He didn't want to get into any of that stuff with Brooke.
Howard asked Bubba if his girlfriend is going to be in a bathing suit while they're there. Bubba didn't sound like he was going to have her do that. He said she'll be there at the Dollhouse though. He told Howard that she's got the cleanest shaved puss and the nicest tits. He said he's going to have his buddy Lasker sit behind Sal and Richard to make sure they don't pull any shit at the wedding. He said that Lasker will beat the shit out of them if they do anything wrong. Howard let Bubba and Ralph go a short time later.
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Howard started off the show talking about how he wasn't on the show yesterday but OJ Simpson is now free. He was actually singing that stuff to the opening theme song. He said this was the first he had seen of Robin in three days. She said that's because he took the day off yesterday. Robin said it was because of his holiday that he was off.
Robin said that she wasn't able to do anything yesterday because she was sick. Howard said she looked better than she's looked in weeks now that she's had a day off.
Howard said that he had a lot of OJ stuff to talk about today. Robin told Howard that Johnny Cochran's closing arguments weren't written by him, they were written by a white man and that was the worst part of the whole thing. Howard went on to say he has no ill will toward Johnny Cochran, he was just doing his job. He said he blames the jury for letting OJ go when everyone can see he was guilty.
Howard said that one out of every 3 black men is involved with the judicial system according to an article he read. He said that when you have something like that going on, your life definitely revolves around the police. He and Robin talked about how the cops can't even do anything because there are two different societies out there. Howard said if you believe that all cops are racist, every one of them, don't you think that they'd hate Jews as well? He said that there aren't one out of three Jews involved in the judicial system. Robin said that there's a whole community out there that's overrun with crime.
Howard suggested that they think that Mark Furman did set OJ up... but it was still OJs blood that was all over the place. Robin wondered how they could figure out how to frame someone when they can't even do their own jobs right because they came across as bumbling fools.
Robin said she heard them talking about how there was only one other person they should have been looking at in the case. That person was OJ's son. Howard said that evil has triumphed over good in this case. He said the way they should handle this whole thing is to shun someone like OJ. He said no one is shunning anyone from the case. He said that people like Larry King should be shunned by everyone because he's been putting these people on his show.
Howard claims that if he was at Donald Trump's wedding again, and OJ Simspon showed up, he would walk out and announce why he was doing it. He wouldn't stick around if that guy was there. Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to argue the case with him. Howard wouldn't let him get a word in because he was still talking about how he wouldn't subscribe to any pay-per-view or anything else that guy is involved with.
The caller was trying to argue that white juries aren't able to give a fair verdict but Howard hung up on the guy because he wouldn't let him get a word in. Howard said that Judge Ito dragged that case out for over a year and could have gotten it over with much quicker than he did. He went on to talk about how Gil Garsetti has to hand in his resignation after this whole thing because of the things he was saying about being worried about riots if OJ had been found guilty.
Howard also brought up how there was a senator talking about how he was afraid to comment on the case. Howard said they asked the Pope what he thought about it and he didn't even have an answer. That led to Howard and Robin talking about how bad the Pope was looking these days.
Howard said he heard that OJ was going to be moving to New York City and may be looking in Donald Trump's building. He said he's going to call Trump and ask him to shun OJ and not make it easy for him to get an apartment there. He said he predicts that OJ will be Larry King's 9th wife some day. He said he had to take a break after that.
Howard said he was kind of rough on Larry Wert and he apparently went to some of the advertisers on the station out there and chased them away. He said meanwhile, Larry's guy Mancow was sending him boxes of excrement. He said he was asked to tone down and he said he's spent 20 years not toning down so he wasn't going to start now.
Howard said he settled out his contract with the company out there and they went their separate ways. He was taken off the air and everyone out there was crowing that he couldn't take it and was dropped. Then they were picked up by another station, on AM radio, and they have a good signal there. He said they're back even though everyone was crowing that they were gone.
Howard said he'll go through every station out there if he has to. The next station to pick up the show may be a Black Urban station. Robin was out last week resting her voice so she missed out on all of that.
Howard went off on Gil Garsetti again talking about the riot comments. Howard begged people to shun OJ and walk out of restaurants, walk to the other side of the street when you see him, just avoid the guy. He also said that Christopher Darden was booed at his church and he doesn't deserve that. He said that's a load of crap when they claim that he's an Uncle Tom.
Howard continued to talk about how OJ should be shunned because that's what the Amish do when they find someone guilty of something. He took a phone call from a guy who asked if Howard had seen OJ's face when the verdict was read. Howard said he would have Ron Goldman's father on the show to vent about OJ if he wants. He feels for that family after seeing what went on in that case.
Howard kept talking about shunning everyone who has supported OJ in this case. He was hoping that they'd shun Larry King and mentioned his name a few times during the discussion. He and Robin were still talking about the details of the case and how obvious to them it was that OJ was guilty. They talked about the blood evidence and said that there's no way it could have been a set-up. Howard said he can't talk about anything else because the case was so interesting.
Howard said they're going to be welcoming two new cities to their little network this morning. He said Norfolk and Richmond have joined and they will be having a press conference about that. Gary came in and gave Howard the details for the stations that they were on. Howard said they've been on for the past week or so. Gary also gave out the info for the AM station they're on in Chicago.
Gary told Howard that Captain Janks was there and made a great prank call to Max Kinkel. Howard said he can't wait to hear that. That led to Howard talking about how Fred and Max got into an argument this morning about the OJ case. Fred said he was trying to have a conversation with Max but Max kept talking over him so he couldn't get a word in. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard explained who Janks was and how he had made a prank call to Max Kinkel last night. Max had accepted a reverse charge call from Janks and didn't even know he had done it. Max and Janks went back and forth arguing about whether or not Max believed the story Janks told him. Max said he got the call on a private line so he would believe it. He thought he was hearing from Jackie's manager Rory Rosegarten who told him that Jackie had a heart attack.
Howard spent a short time talking to Max about the OJ Simpson case and the argument he was having with Fred earlier in the morning. Max said he doesn't think OJ did it and they should have thrown the case out. Howard asked him if he was black. Max joked that he is black and his parents must not have never told him.
Howard asked Max if he wanted to hear his phony phone call. Max said he knew what was on it so he didn't have to hear it. Howard put him on hold so he could listen to it that way. Howard was going to play the call but Janks talked about how he didn't have time to do any other calls before he came in this morning.
Howard played the call where Janks tells Max that Jackie suffered a massive heart attack and was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead at 1 in the morning. Max thought he might be pulling a prank on him but Janks tried to convince him that he was serious. Janks told Max that Howard wouldn't be in the next morning but Howard interrupted and said that he would probably do the show if Jackie really died. He said it would be a great show.
Max was shocked by the news that Jackie was dead. Janks kept it going too. Howard picked up the phone on Max and told him the call was pretty funny. He talked to him for a few seconds and then got back to the call. Janks tells Max that Jackie was only 48 years old and that's how old Max was. Janks started to say things that made Max suspicious so he asked ''Rory'' what his last name was. Janks told him it was ''Jones'' since he didn't really know what the last name was.
Max and Janks talked for a few minutes. Max thought that it was a serious call and said the news was terrible. Janks thanked him for his help and got off the phone. Janks never told Max that he was joking either. Jackie said he walked in this morning and Max looked at him like he was really shocked. Max said something to him about the call he got last night and he didn't know exactly what he had gone through the night before. Max told Janks he wants to see him tomorrow. Janks told him he'd kick his ass but Howard had already hung up on him.
Gary came in and showed Howard the phone bill that Janks' room mate had showed him. The bill was over $1,000. He also noticed that there were some 900 numbers on the bill and they cost him $50 each. Janks explained that he had put his own messages on the numbers and he had to try calling them until he could break their codes.
Howard asked Janks about working in a gas station and how much he can make doing that. Janks said he can bring in about 8 bucks an hour with tips included. He said he gets tips when he cleans windows and stuff.
Janks said that he's going to be making an appearance where he does a Howard Stern Trivia contest. He'll have all of the questions written down for that. Howard congratulated him on everything he's doing and asked him if he wanted to get in any plugs. Janks didn't want to say where he works so he didn't have any plugs to give. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had a press conference to do so he moved on to that. He mentioned they have two new stations in Norfolk and Richmond. He then heard from some of the people who were waiting to interview him via some special hook up. The guy who got on the line spent a couple of minutes explaining who he was. Howard thought he sounded kind of boring. The guy said he does some on-air work so Howard figured they must call him ''android man'' because of his robotic like delivery.
Howard said that the national symbol in Virginia is a black man with a rope around his neck which didn't go over that well with the Virginians. He then said that he loves the state of Virginia because it's as close to Vagina as possible. He also said that their motto is ''Virginia, the hairy state...'' and Robin asked them about their Busch Gardens theme park. They made a lot of vagina references during that. Howard also said a lot of people down there keep clothes pins on their noses because it stinks down there.
Howard went into a speech telling everyone what he expects to happen. There was a lot of echo so he said he felt like Kennedy giving a speech or something. He also said it sounds like he's inside a vagina or something. Howard then took some questions from individual reporters. The first person was a woman who said people's heads were exploding all over Richmond now that Howard is there. She used to be a fan up in the Philadelphia area and she's been waiting 3 years to hear him there in Richmond. Howard found out that the paper this woman works for was free.
The woman asked Howard some questions but he as questioning her just as much as she was questioning him. He was asking her about shaving down below her Mason Dixon Line and asked if she was wearing a bra and what cup size she was. She didn't want to get into that many details though. When she refused to answer, he said he was going to move on to the next reporter. She joked that it was a DD. Howard let her ask a few more questions before he moved on to the next person.
Howard was introduced to the next reporter who asked a few questions. One of them was about him being the anti-Christ so Howard said he doesn't believe he is and he's a very religious man. The reporter said that they had taken a poll about Howard and a lot of people said he was anything but the anti-Christ. Howard said he had just gotten done telling him that he's not the anti-Christ. The reporter asked Howard what he thinks about people saying that their kids shouldn't be listening. Howard said if they don't want their kids listening, they should keep an eye on their kids and not let them listen.
Howard moved on to the next reporter who asked him if he ever gets tired of himself. Howard said he absolutely gets sick of himself. He said that America is in love with him though so this is how he makes a living. He said that even when he's being boring he's interesting to people. He figured that this reporter was going to write a negative article about him. He could tell from the way he questioned him that he was going to write a negative article.
The next reporter's name was Bruce but it was a woman so Howard spent a few minutes trying to figure that out. He asked her if she was Polish or something. She said she's not. Howard asked the guys to describe what she looked like because he heard she was good looking. Howard made a noise as if he was whacking off as she described herself. She didn't seem to notice that.
Howard let Bruce ask some questions and she asked about his upcoming book. Howard spent a short time talking about how great his book was going to be. He said it is a stunning work of art and it'll be very revealing. He said he will be making a film announcement within the next two weeks so they'll have to tune in to find out about that.
The program Director said that they have an announcement to make about a death threat they got for Howard and for some of the people who work there at the station. one of the DJs got on and said that another station across town talked about how awful Howard's show was and how they wanted them dead over there at the station. Howard said that they'll be gone soon enough because he always wins when he goes into a market. Howard also said he's not afraid of the death threats because if anyone gets killed, it'll probably be this DJ. He wrapped up the press conference a short time later. He was told they had some listeners who wanted to ask questions but Howard wasn't going to do that, he just wanted to talk to the press.
Howard said he knows they're going to get a lot of negative press like they do all the time. He and Robin spent a short time talking about the press conference and more about OJ Simpson as well. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Gary to help Mr. Berle sit in the chair. Milton said he didn't need any help and told them to let him be. Howard told him that the Pope had fallen recently so he didn't want him to have the same type of incident. Howard told him to sit down but he was still resisting. Howard said he's an icon and they really have to take care of him. He said he probably can't fall down because he's like a tri-pod with that big penis if his.
Milton told Howard that he was listening to the press conference earlier and he really didn't have anything to say. He said he thought he was trying hard but it wasn't going over very well. Howard said that Milton comes in and tries to take over his show but he really can't do that.
Howard asked Milton a question but wouldn't let him answer without asking other stuff. Milton wanted to talk about what the difference between a comic and a comedian was. He defined them but Howard moved on and asked him why he thinks that so many old-time comedians don't like him. Milton didn't really have an answer for him.
Milton seemed to be bothered by some of the questions Howard was asking about his age so he told him he's never hit a queer before. Howard and the guys got a laugh out of that. Howard asked Milton if he still satisfies his wife and is able to perform at his age. Milton said he shouldn't be asking him stuff like that. Howard just wanted to know if he can still do stuff when he gets that old.
Howard asked Milton if he has a penis pump or anything like that. Milton said he doesn't need one. He said he just turned 88 years old though. He said he was talking to George Burns and told him he was going on the show. He said that Burns never misses the show... but he never sees it either.
Milton threatened to walk out if Howard kept doing these non-sequiturs with him. He said that he was going to walk out and into Robin's booth. He didn't want to comment on the OJ Simpson case because he didn't watch the whole trial and doesn't know what the jurors saw. He tried to talk to Howard and give him some advice on how to talk on the air. He was telling him to speak clearly and slower so people can understand him. Howard told him to just talk about OJ.
Howard asked Milton if he thinks OJ is a comic or a comedian. He had to tell him he was just kidding. Milton said that the whole thing is not funny, it's tragic. Howard figured he was saying that because he has the penis of a black man. Howard told him he had some faxes that people had sent about the OJ case so he was going to ask his advice about them. Milton said he wasn't going to like them because they were about something tragic.
Howard read some of the dopey jokes that people had sent in and Milton just sat there not laughing. He said he would never touch those jokes with a 10 foot pole. Howard asked him who his enemies are in show business. He figured that Jerry Lewis was one but Milton said he didn't have a problem with him.
Howard gave Milton a plug for this exercise tape he had out. Milton wanted to explain it but Howard wouldn't stop talking. Milton told him about the tape which was for seniors. It ranges for people from 60 to 100 years old. Howard asked if there were 100 year old people in the tape. Milton said there was one 100 year old guy in there. The people in the tape are all in Rhythm and they look like the Rockettes because they're so in sync.
Howard wanted to know about all of the women that Uncle Miltie had been with in his life. He wanted to know more about him banging Marilyn Monroe and women like that. Milton said he doesn't kiss and tell so he wasn't going to talk about that. Howard asked him more questions about it anyway. He wondered what it was like when Marilyn walks into the room and takes her clothes off.
Milton said that he learned something when he was in his 20s. He said that there's an expression about groupies who like to be called Star F's (fuckers)... and that they have this pre-conceived notion about what it's going to be like. He said back in those days, like the Marilyn Monroe days, and how he learned that if she wasn't a star, and she wasn't ''Marilyn Monroe,'' you can probably last longer. He said that if you think of her as someone else, you can hold out. He had a whole explanation for how he can hold out longer. Howard wondered if Marilyn got pissed when he called her by another name. He said he never did that but he was told that he shouldn't get so excited about someone like that. He said it's all mental and you can hold out if you don't think about how famous the person is. Milton said that Marilyn was a wonderful woman and he'd like to remember her that way.
Howard got in another plug for Milton's video tape. He didn't do it right according to Milton so he told him how to do it. He said that the tape is for people of all ages, not just old people like Howard was saying. Howard said that Robin would like to aerobic activity but she started over doing it with roller blading and stuff like that. He said that this is what she probably should have been doing, the low impact stuff.
Howard told Milton about how he has a tiny penis and how he gets laughed at when he pulls down his pants. He said he's hung like an elevator button. He doesn't know what it's like to have a woman gasp when she sees his penis like Uncle Miltie does.
Uncle Miltie told a story about how he and Forest Tucker were arguing about who had the bigger penis when someone in the club they were at yelled out ''Uncle Miltie, just pull out enough to win'' as they were talking about comparing sizes.
Howard said that Uncle Miltie is working hard these days. He said Uncle Miltie would be out rock climbing this weekend and almost made him laugh. Milton said he'll be recording an episode of The Nanny next week and he will be playing her uncle. He said it could turn into a recurring role but he's not sure he wants to work a job like that regularly.
Howard told Uncle Miltie that his mother could use this tape to work down her giant ass. He also wondered if Milton had ever banged his mother. He said he's told his mother to get off her ass and do some walking to lose that big ass of hers. He said his father would appreciate that if she did lose some weight back there. He said that ass is full of Yogurt and all kinds of stuff like that. He said he's going to call his mother and tell her about this Uncle Miltie video tape.
Gary told Howard that his mother was on the phone. He got her on the line and she said she didn't want to talk to him. She wanted to talk to Milton but not to Howard. Howard told Milton to tell her to get the tape. Howard's mother said that Howard never talks to her this way when he's with her. He only does it on the air. She said that Howard doesn't have any right to talk about her ass like that.
Howard asked his mother when she last had sex with his dad. She said that she wasn't going to say and it was none of his business. Uncle Miltie said that this is all an act with Howard and it's all for entertainment. He said he knows Howard and he knows he would never speak to his mother like this if he wasn't on the air. Howard told his mother to go work on her ass with this video tape that Milton was promoting. She said she moves herself around plenty and she's going to come over to his house tonight to discuss this with him.
Howard told Milton that he's going to get a copy of this tape and gave him a few more plugs before going to commercial break.
Gary tried calling but the first number he had was disconnected. He tried calling the second number and got someone on the line. He asked for OJ and told the person who he was. They told him he dialed the wrong number. He wasn't able to get through to anyone so Howard told him to try calling the juror phone numbers that someone had sent to them.
Howard said they were going to poll the jury when they called them. He went through the names because he wanted to talk to the white woman who was in the jury. He told Gary to try the juror by the name of Marcia because she might be white. Howard read through the birth dates of each person trying to find the right person. He eventually came across the right one. Gary said that person didn't have a number. Howard told him to go try to find it because he did have the address of that person.
Howard was going to have Robin start her news but he had some tape from Larry King's show where he spoke to OJ after the verdict was revealed. OJ thanked Larry for being ''fair'' to him through the case. He also thanked Johnny Cochran for what he did for him. Howard played the tape and goofed on OJ throughout the clip. OJ was all full of fire talking about all of the stuff they tried saying about him in the trial and how it was all false according to him.
Gary said that he could have Juror number 2's mother on the phone if he wanted. Howard said he would take that. Gary said she needed a few minutes before she'd be able to come on. Howard continued to play the Larry King Show clip but Gary came in and asked Howard to give out the 800 number for the Uncle Miltie video tape. Howard said he didn't know there was a number and apologized to Mr. Berle. He gave him another plug for the video and talked more about his big penis. Howard said he heard that he has a special harness he has to keep his penis in and it's all coiled up like a sausage.
Howard got back to the Larry King clip and continued to goof on him. OJ had to get off the line as he was in the middle of the discussion with Larry. Larry said he knows he'll be making a statement soon and let him go so he could get back to his guests.
Gary came in and told Howard he had Juror number 2's mother on the phone. Howard went to the phone and tried to talk to her but had some phone troubles. He eventually got her on the line and asked her about what she makes of the whole thing. He wondered what she thought herself. She said it doesn't really matter what she thinks. She said they followed the law and that's what counts. She said that's all that counts, that they followed the law. Howard said it would be tough for a black woman to come out and claim that she was the only one who said he was guilty.
The mother said that race never entered the juror's minds in this case. Howard found that hard to believe. He spent a few minutes talking to the woman about what she might want to advise her daughter to do. She said she doesn't interfere with her daughter's life. She said that if she asks her for advice, she would give it to her. She said her daughter has been under a lot of stress for the past year and it shouldn't have gone on that long. Howard agreed that the case should have been over in three weeks, not over a year.
Howard asked the woman if her daughter wanted to talk to him. She got a phone call on another phone so she went right to that and told Howard she had to get going. Howard let her go and thanked her for talking to him. Howard said he can't imagine that this case didn't have to do with race. He said he was going to take a break and then get to some news and wrap up the show.
Howard said he would tune in even if they just had a camera on OJ's house. He said they could focus in on his balcony and he'd tune in just to get a glimpse of that balcony. Howard said that Fran is apparently afraid to face them so they were going to move on with Robin's news. He said that Fran dropped by today to ask if he had 5 minutes he could spend with her. He told her he had a meeting to get to after the show but she's still there so he must have 5 minutes.
Robin started her news and talked more about the OJ Simpson case. She had the verdict being read and some other audio clips to play. After doing a bunch of OJ stories and some other stuff, Robin had Howard playing a clip of the Pope making a speech. That eventually led to the guys making fun of his accent and comparing that to Martin Landau's accent in the movie ''Ed Wood.'' The guys had some fun goofing on the accent for a short time. Ralph had showed up around that time but Howard had to shut him up because he wanted to get out of there.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:20am (Master Tape Theatre time).