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Howard started off the show talking about how Jane Fonda had bad mouthed him on Donny Deutsch's show. He said he was kind of bummed out by that because he's defended her in the past. He had the audio clip to play from the interview but Robin explained why she's out promoting stuff. Howard said that anyone who doesn't know, Jane is an actress who was famous a long time ago. She's starting a radio network with Gloria Steinham and Rosie O'Donnell. They'll be broadcasting on the internet.
Howard played the audio clip where Donny brings up Howard's name and Jane relates the words 'noise and wallpaper' with his name. That and 'heartburn.' She said she tunes it out and doesn't let it into her world. Howard said she'd probably avoid the show except when he was defending her going over to Vietnam. Robin said that Jane is a hypocrite and while she's out there saying she's her own woman, she was letting all of the men in her life control her.
Gloria Steinham kind of defended Howard saying that she thinks he has a heart buried in there somewhere. She also said that she thinks they could get him to redeem himself. Gloria said she would never go on Howard's show because she doesn't want to have to go on there and take her clothes off.
Howard played another clip where Jane talked about how radio has left women behind. That led to Howard saying that radio isn't leaving women behind, everyone is leaving radio because it's no longer a big thing. Howard said that he was an asshole because he never got to cash in on the whole Infinity Broadcasting merger with CBS many years ago Mel Karmazin got all of the glory. He said Mel deserved that but he also thinks that he could have made out a little better if he had gotten in on the stock option deals that some of the other guys did. Howard said he felt really responsible for putting that whole company on the map.
Artie asked Howard if he thought that he should have been a partner or something. Howard said that's what he feels now and he really didn't realize what was happening at the time. He said he kind of tends to go 'who the hell am I' when he thinks about asking to be involved in a company like that. He said he was a salaried guy over there and he didn't think he deserved to be part of the company.
Howard said that he was getting hints that the company was going to start lowering his salary because the more stations they added, the less they'd be able to pay him. He said it kind of burns him that there are people doing so well over there and he didn't get credit for it. He thinks that he created that company (Infinity) and he wasn't able to take advantage of that.
Howard had an article about how radio is changing and people aren't listening to it as much as they did in the past. One guy was interviewed about going online to hear his music and news instead of tuning into the radio. There are many companies getting out of the radio business and it's not the big business it once was.
Howard said that people are tuning into satellite radio now and that's led to the radio industry hiring publicists to bad mouth him to make it seem like he's already a failure. They say that he had about 12 million listeners when he left radio and now he's got a fraction of that. He told them to just wait, they'll be back.
Robin said she's got SIRIUS on her boat and she had a guest on it with her and he was amazed that the signal never got interrupted. He didn't know what he was listening to at the time so he surprised him with it.
Howard said that Robin and Gilbert Gottfried's scenes are hilarious. Fred's wife Alison is also very funny according to Howard. He said that Dice Clay and Norm Macdonald make appearances in the show. Howard also said that Sam did some funny stuff with Artie and Dana's relationship as well. Artie said he can't wait to hear the whole thing. The show is going to be a half hour and Howard said it's really going to be great when it does finally air.
Artie said that it took Norm about a decade to make that album. Chris Farley was supposed to play the part that Will Ferral played but he died the day before. Artie did some stuff for the album and he recorded his stuff about 7 years ago! Artie said Norm thanked him in the liner notes and it was very nice what he wrote.
Artie said that the reviews that the movie got were horrible and Howard should read the NY Times review. Howard found that and read the review to everyone. The guy really slammed the movie. The guy was pointing out that one of the actors who played Edgar Stiles on '24' makes an appearance in the movie and that seemed to be the highlight for the reviewer.
Artie said that the movie should be guaranteed to make the money back that it took to make it. He said the fans went nuts reviewing it and that's what counts. He said he had to thank Echo Bridge Entertainment for having the balls to release it wide like that.
Howard said he was surprised that the movie did get such bad reviews because he really enjoyed it. Robin said that Artie should have his own troupe of actors to put movies together and just keep making them because reviewers don't always know what they're talking about. Artie said that the reviewers have no control over his career and the fact that his movie is going wide proves that.
A caller said that he parked his truck illegally to go see Artie's movie and it ended up costing him a few bucks because he got a ticket.
Howard said that the woman who produced the segment wants to have dinner with him and talk about all of the extra footage they had. He said they might put some of that stuff on the internet. He said that they didn't give an update on how well things are going for him at SIRIUS and he's wondering if someone silenced them about it. He said they did call him to get updates on how things were going but they didn't mention them during that show when they replayed that segment. CBS also didn't promote him when he was making his appearance on Letterman the last time. It would appear that someone over there is trying to keep things silent there.
Howard said he's going to find out why they didn't give an update. Robin said that she gets jealous when she sees him getting so much attention for the show. She said she thinks that the jealousy makes her think that she still wants to do more things with her own career. She's actually jealous of the coverage he gets.
Howard asked Artie what he feels about that stuff. Artie said he's idolized them all for many years so he's coming from a different place. Fred said that he's thrilled for Howard and he has no jealousy. He said he does kind of feel bad when guests come in and kind of brush him aside as if he were just a door man though. Artie said he is kind of insulted by the term sidekick when it's used to describe him.
Howard said his mother called him and asked if he knew he was going to be on 60 Minutes again this weekend. He knew it already so there really wasn't a need for the call. Robin said that she was with her family that night and that may be one reason that she got so upset with the whole thing. Robin said that her family was talking about all of the stuff that she's been up to on the show and her family was talking about how they've heard stuff about her on the show lately and they kept bringing up Howard's name.
Fred told Howard that he may want to lock Robin's door and keep her in her booth today because she does sound so angry. Robin said that her family brings up Howard's name in a way that is almost like worship so it drives her nuts. She said she's still the piece of crap on the bottom of their shoes. Robin said she had her family at her house and her sister-in-law was the one who kept bringing stuff up that was making her crazy.
Howard said that they should try and get Robin on 60 Minutes so her family will find her as interesting as him. Robin was laughing through this whole discussion but it still sounded like she was really upset about the whole thing.
Riley was saying that Tim Sabean has somehow managed to get him to come back to SIRIUS but the amount of money is about what Howard would pay someone for a homosexual lap dance.
Robin said that she thinks Riley is a genius and she was telling Tim that information because she thinks that he should be back on the air. Howard told her to calm down with that because the deal wasn't done yet. Howard asked Riley how long he thinks he'll last before he freaks out again and stops doing the show. Riley said he just wants to be able to do the show and not starve to death.
Tim Sabean came in and said that he and Riley had a nice conversation and Riley was being very realistic. He's pretty sure they can work something out. Riley agreed and said he thinks that they can do something. He believes that he's been snookered and the amount of money he'll be making is somewhere between $3 and bus fare money.
Howard asked Riley if he'll have any revelations on his next show. Riley said that if the fans bare with him for the next few years, they may be able to save Mother Earth. If they cannot do that, the people had better have their 'fucking symbols' to get on the mother ship.
Riley had to get going but he let Howard know that his wife is a fan of Howard's show and he really doesn't get that. Howard said he would like to interview Mrs. Riley Martin on the show sometime.
Artie said that he saw Tim putting out a fire with Bubba the other day. Robin said that Bubba punched Sal in the face over the whole Mutt's daughter thing. She said that after he punched Sal out, Richard ran over to him to stop what was going on. Richard said he saw Bubba slap Sal in the face and then he got smacked in the face and got a bloody nose over it.
Howard said they had the video up on his screen so he was checking that out. Richard said Bubba was picking on JD and goofing on him but it was all a goof. Robin said that she heard the show and they were getting into fights and wrestling matches during breaks on the show. Artie said he went on the show and spent a couple of hours there. He said Bubba was kind of upset that Alexis Stewart was taking one of their guests and ended up calling her the C-word off the air.
Artie said he went over to the Alexis Stewart show and spent about 20 minutes there. He said that he kind of sold Bubba down the river on that show and brought up the pig killing thing. He said that he was totally disgusted by Bubba's show and kept bringing it up even though the women didn't want to talk about it. He said they were totally annoyed by that.
Howard said he ran into Alexis Stewart at some event he was at. He and Artie were saying that she's still looking to have a kid without getting married to anyone. She's looking to do artificial insemination to make that happen.
The guys said that Spice Boy was also kind of upset with Howard because he was talking about how they wanted to have some other guys bang Akira. It turns out that Spice Boy and Akira have a thing going on right now and he doesn't want anyone else banging her.
Gary told Howard that they should get to Howie Mandel soon because he had to get going soon. Howie had to be moved to a different green room because the room he was in had couches that had stains on every cushion. He had to be moved to a leather couch since they're easier to clean. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said that he got some e-mail from someone who said that Artie appears to know nothing about football. They spent a minute on that and then brought in Howie Mandel.
Howie said that the real reason he's there is to announce that the season premiere of the show is tonight. Howard asked him if he shakes any hands on the show. Howie said he does not shake hands, he does the fist thing and just touches fists. That led to Howie talking about how dirty the green room couches were and how they had to be bodily fluids and not food as Howard was claiming they were.
Howard wanted to help Howie out and said he'd tell him how he got over his OCD off the air. Howie wanted to hear it on the air so Howard got into his discussion about Dr. John Sarno and how his books helped him get over that OCD. Howie said he read those books after Howard suggested them to him. They didn't work for him. Howie said that he got to his hotel yesterday and ordered up a couple dozen towels so he wouldn't have to touch the carpet in the room. Artie laughed and said he finds that to be amazing.
Howard told Howie that he was exhausted from his OCD. It would take him 2 hours to get ready for work because he had to do so many things because of that OCD. He and Howie talked about that stuff and Howie said he really wants to get out of this stuff but he's unable to do it. He thinks that it's a chemical thing but Howard told him that's not what it is and he should stop believing that it is chemical.
Howie said he has spent a fortune on therapy and it hasn't helped. He said it would be really embarrassing if he was actually cured by Howard Stern. Howard said he's not able to convey to him in writing how he got through all of this stuff. He said he needs to talk to Howie off the air and try to help him out. He told Howie that this OCD lifted off of him like a fog one day. Some of those thoughts have come back to him in the past few weeks so it is something you constantly have to fight off but it's not a chemical thing.
Howie said that he would like to hear Howard's theory but he believes that the illness never goes away. Howard asked him what he thinks the worst thing would be if he touched germs. Howie said he knows that nothing is going to happen but he can't get that stuff out of his head if he can't stop thinking about the germs. Howard said that Howie appears to not want help from him. Howie said he wants some help right there on the air.
Robin said that if you take away Howie's problem, he's got to replace it with something else because this is part of his identity. Artie told Howie that he thinks he's actually a ''secret fruit'' and that's what this is all about. Howie seemed to find that kind of funny.
Howard asked Howie who the hottest model is on Deal or No Deal. Howie said they change from week to week so he has a new favorite each week. He said that Layla is one of his favorites. Howard asked him how long he's been married. Howie said it's like 27 years or so. Howard told him it must be tough to be married that long and having all of those hot chicks around him all day long.
Howard wanted Howie to come clean and talk about the chicks and if he's banged them. Howie said he just thinks about the germs and it's easy for him not to think about having sex with them. Howie said that his therapist traced down his problems to a trauma he had as a child. He didn't talk about what it was though.
Howard asked Howie why he's still flying commercial flights these days since he's got to be making enough money to take a private jet. Howie said he did take a chartered flight back from England when he was over there. Howie said that he is making a lot of money and said that it's in the millions. Howard said he wants an easy job like that where he could make millions for doing something like that. Howard said he actually had a meeting with the same company Howie works for but they wanted him to do a show that was a lot of work. Howie told Howard that his job is very easy and he's not even sure why they wanted him as the host.
Howie figures that he wasn't the first choice for that show. He said that once they hired him they told him he had to start the next day. They already had the set built and lit so they must have had it ready for someone else. Howard told Howie to tell the people at Endemol to come up with something easy for him to do. He wants to be able to say 'Deal or no deal...'' like Howie does. He said he could do a Spanish version of the show or something like that.
Gary came in and asked Howie if he's afraid that they're going to do to his show what they did to Millionaire by putting it on every night. Howie said that NBC is putting the show on the air a lot but he'll deal with it if they do burn it out. The show is actually on 4 days this week alone so they are kind of pushing it a bit. He said he hopes that NBC will have another big hit on their hands this season. Gary and Howie said that they both think that Studio 60 will take off but Howard said he saw the show and wasn't a fan of it.
Howie said he's still doing stand-up comedy and getting more money for doing those than he used to get. He said he's also getting more shows. Howard asked if Howie makes millions for the shows he does. He wouldn't say exactly how much he's making but Artie guessed that he makes about $100,000 per show. Howie just smiled according to Howard.
Howard gave Howie some plugs for Deal or No Deal which is airing four days this week on NBC. He also talked about how much he liked when Howie would do the Merv Griffin show years ago. He said he was always prepared and would blow up that glove on his head. Howie said he can't do that bit anymore because he has problems with his sinuses.
Howie had a red ribbon on his arm that Robin noticed. He said that some guy came up to him and tied it to his arm telling him that it was good luck and he hasn't been able to take it off since then. He said it's been on his arm for about 2 months now because of that. Howard wanted to cut it off his arm but Howie said he would get totally fucked up if he did something like that. Howie was ready to walk out so Howard told him to sit down and calm down. Howard wanted to liberate him and get it off his arm. He wanted to play 'String or No String'' with him but Howie didn't want to mess with it. He said that if they cut it off, he would have to go to therapy and it would really mess him up.
Robin said that the ribbon didn't match anything else he was wearing so that's why she picked up on it. Howie said he once had someone put something on his ankle out in Hawaii and it took 11 years to come off. Howard told Howie that if he didn't get that thing off his wrist, he was going to put a voo doo spell on it. Howie didn't seem to care about that though and he wasn't going to remove it.
Artie said it would be funny if he got Howie to take that thing off and then an air conditioner fell on him on the street. Gary said that Howie's luck has already run out because he spent time in Scott the Engineer's studio after not being able to sit in his office. Howard filled Howie in on what happened to Tony Stewart after he spent some time with Scott the Engineer. Howard told Howie that Anna Nicole's son had also spent some time with Scott.
Howard wanted Howie to get some balls and take that string off. Howie said he's not taking it off and that's that. Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he wipes his ass. Howie said he doesn't have a problem with that. He told Howard he's got his own special toilet that helps him clean up back there.
Howard told Howie to go head and keep that string on his arm. Howie said that he thinks it is good luck for him and he's not going to remove it. Howard took a call from a woman who said that she has cured herself of her OCD and if he just let loose he could cure himself as well. Another caller said that Howie is crazy and kept saying 'Crazy'' over and over again as he was on.
Howard tried to convince Howie that he could be cured but Howie doesn't believe that he can be cured. Howard insisted that he could be cured. Artie brought up the Scott the Engineer thing and asked Howie if Scott told him that he used to babysit for JonBenet Ramsey.
Howard said that Howie seems to be a little bit down today. Howie said he was fine until he got there. Gary came in and told Howie that they had video of Beetlejuice sitting nude on the couch where Howie was sitting. Howie didn't believe that he had actually been there but he was. They also pointed out that they did have a towel on the couch that day so it wasn't as bad as it looked. Howard said he had to let Howie go because he was getting the word that he had to go. He wrapped up a short time later and let Howie go.
Howard brought up a news story about this new Pope and how he made a comment about the Muslims that really pissed them of. He quoted some scripture from some ruler who said you can't spread religion via the sword and now the Muslims are pissed and going nuts over the comments. Howard said that this is exactly what the Pope was talking about and they're getting violent over his comments about how violence is wrong when it comes to religion.
Howard read some stories about that stuff and talked about how it doesn't speak well for that religion when they're willing to get so violent and threaten people over some comments they made. Howard said it's like a world full of insane people who are going nuts over their religions.
Howard brought up Dancing with the Stars and said he's not even watching it now. He said that Mario Lopez is one of the guys on the show and when he was asked if he had any dance training, he said he had a little hip hop training but no ballroom training. Now they're saying, in Page Six, that he did have formal training according to an old friend of his. He has won some competitions that he's competed in so he does have formal dance training, just not ballroom dance.
Howard read another story about how Pete Townshend has been acting like a real dick at some performances he's made. He apparently goofed on Roger Daltrey's performance at one event. He made some comments about Roger, attacked some fans and even goofed on his own music. Howard read through some other stuff and found that Pete actually spit on the crowd without warning.
Howard told the guys to check the tapes and find out if that was true. He said JD checked the tape and they never mentioned his name. The girl's name was Bianca who was named after Bianca Jagger because the father was a huge fan of The Rolling Stones. There was no mention of Howard's name.
Howard said he called his mother back to find out what she was doing over there and his father ended up picking up the phone. He said that he told his father why he was calling and he didn't seem to know what was going on. Then he got his mother on the phone and told her that there was no mention of his name or the dog. He said his mother apologized for getting it wrong and didn't know how she screwed that up. He said it's unbelievable what's going on over there.
Howard said his parent's house is falling apart and they don't want any people in the house so they refuse to get anything fixed. Howard would like to buy them a house or something but they don't want to leave the neighborhood. His father bought the house for $50,000 when he was in 10th grade and he has no desire to move. He said he felt so guilty about that house way back then and he still feels bad about it. He said that his father used to complain about having to move out of Roosevelt because he only paid $14,000 for that place. Howard's mother now says she's going to keep her mouth shut and not talk about anything.
Howard said that Sal and Richard took audio of Ronnie the Limo Driver and called some old lady. They had Ronnie asking the woman to come up and ride the Sybian and get topless. They called her back after she hung up on them. She told Ronnie she wasn't going to do anything for him and she wasn't going to show up to the show like he was asking.
Howard said he loves those calls. He said he also loved when Sal the Stockbroker came in and started crying on the show over sniffing Mutt's daughter's panties. Artie said he's not sure that Sal is totally remorseful over what he did and he's not so sure it was that genuine when he was crying. Howard played some of the audio where Sal was crying and claiming he was just doing a goofy thing when he sniffed the 16 year old's panties. Artie was laughing as he heard the replay. Especially after Sal said that people respect and appreciate what he does for the show.
After playing that clip Howard said he thought it was sincere, much more so than the apology he made to black people when they were goofing on him. Robin said that Gary had an interesting theory about how Sal was sincere at the start but then he turned it off and was less sincere toward the end. Fred said there was a lot of sniffing going on there during the crying and he's thinking that it wasn't all real. Fred said that Sal was claiming that he does things for the show but the panty thing had nothing to do with the show so he's pretty sure he was full of it.
Howard had another prank call that the guys made to a public access show. They called a show they call often and had Sal doing his black voice. The host hung up on him so then Benjy called into the show and started asking wacky questions. After that they used Sal's crying clips and called back in again. The host had no idea what was going on so he hung up on him and complained about the town idiots calling his show. They called back in and played more of Sal's crying clips and the host hung up on him again.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves when he does his impression of his parents. He also talked about all of the Sirius radios he has and then gave Howard an F, Marry Kill game to play. He gave him the following names. Howard's choices follow:
Richard said he's been a big fan of hers for a long time and she used to only do girl/girl porn. when he found out she went to boy/girl porn he got really excited. Robin noticed that he had all kinds of bumps on his face so he said it may be caused by the kerosene that was in his apartment this weekend. He had his floors done and the place smelled like kerosene all weekend.
Howard took some phone calls and let some fans tell Artie how great his movie was. Bobo called in quickly and said he liked it. Janks also said he liked it and really expected it to stink. He said that he got a very scathing review in the Philadelphia Daily News today. Howard said that he got a lot of bad reviews this weekend. Janks said that it was the best comedy he's seen this year.
Janks read the review that he mentioned and the guy said that if you're looking for burping and belching laughs, then that's the movie for you. Another caller said that Artie should just ignore the critics. He said that the movie was great and he really liked it.
Howard went on to read some comments from the fans who sent in e-mail. There were some people who liked it but there were also others who didn't like it at all. Someone said that there were no jokes in the movie and that Howard wouldn't like it if Artie wasn't on the show. Howard said he swears that he liked it though.
Howard said he got a lot of feedback about the Hodeo that they did last week but there was one guy who wrote in and said that it was horrible. The guy said it was awful when Richard let Benjy horse fuck him out in the bathroom. Benjy had a fake penis on and Richard sucked on it. Howard said he had no control over that because it happened out in the hall, not in the studio.
Howard said he needed some driving lessons because his car went dead while he was trying to get through a flooded area this weekend. He had to have some people come over and tow him out. He said the car was completely dead and he wasn't able to get it started. After that happened he decided he wants to get a truck, one with big wheels and tires on it. He said that he's thinking about an Escalade because Ronnie told him that would be a good one for him.
Ronnie came in and told Howard that he's bringing in his GMC Denali tomorrow and he's going to like that one. He said it was about $45,000 - $48,000. Gary got an Envoy himself and he thinks Howard will like the one Ronnie has. Howard said he can't get one after hearing they come with XM radio. Ronnie told him they can change it over for him.
Howard said the flooding is a problem out there in the Hamptons so that's why he's going to get the truck. He has an Audi A8 right now and it's just not good for a flooded area.
Howard asked Artie about his movie and how he wasn't making out with his female co-star. Artie said that Frank Sebastiano didn't want him to have scenes like that but there were also rumors that Cara's boyfriend didn't like her doing love scenes like that so that may have had something to do with it as well. He's pretty sure the guy wouldn't have had a problem with him doing that stuff though.
Howard ended up going into his Dana impression and goofing on Artie over their whole break up and the movie. Dana made a cameo appearance in the movie so Howard had some fun goofing on him. That led to the guys asking Artie about the girls who have been coming on to him lately and how he's not doing anything about it. He's not banging any of those chicks. He said it's a very hard time for him right now and he's not able to bang any chicks. He said it really sucks that he and Dana broke up.
Howard said that when he breaks up with a chick, he goes right out and gets laid so he doesn't get bummed out. He said that Artie should probably be without women at this point. They spent a couple of minutes goofing on Artie but they were also saying that Artie seems to know that he didn't belong in that relationship.
Lisa said that she knows when to walk away from a relationship and she thinks Artie did the right thing there. She got back to her news preview and mentioned some of the things they have coming up on today's Howard 100 News.
Lisa mentioned that Steve Grillo will be doing a movie review for them but Howard said that they're doing it all wrong. They have Steve reading his review and that's not what he wants them doing. He said that Grillo should be doing the review off the cuff like he did on his radio show. He played some audio from that review and then played some out takes from that review and that's what they should really be playing. Robin said she told Steve that it's the mess that he is that everyone enjoys. Howard played a few more of the clips and listened to him screwing up line after line. He told them to throw out all of that other shit and play this stuff. Howard said that Steve is no longer allowed to have a script and there are no out takes, everything goes in. He let Lisa go after that.
Howard said they need to get people like Daniel Carver on the show and have him going up against the Black Israelites or something like that. Howard thought the show was kind of a let down to him. He had a bad feeling when the blacks came in last. He figured that was going to cause an uproar. Gary seems to think the show will get better as the season goes by. Howard had to go to break after that.
Artie asked Jessica if she remembers them calling her to be part of his movie. She said she does remember getting the call. She didn't know the name of the movie so Artie filled her in. Howard asked Jessica if she was in the bathroom shaving her bush down because Benjy found big clumps of pubic hair in the bathroom. Benjy said he's sure it's her hair but Jessica said she doesn't have any hair. Howard shut Benjy's microphone off and told him to put the pubic hair away. Artie told him to keep it away from his French toast because he doesn't want any in there.
Howard told Jessica how much he likes her web site which is broken down into three categories. He said that's the right way to do things and then asked her why she's in porn. She said she used to teach but that didn't pay enough so she got into this line of work. She said she used to be a normal girl before her implants.
Jessica said she used to only do girl/girl stuff but she got into boy/girl about 2 and a half years ago. She used to do some dance and then got into some modeling work. After that she was approached by Playtime magazine who asked her to do some stuff. She said that she was never really conservative and has always been an exhibitionist. She said she used to do some crazy stuff and did screw one of her student's father's. She said that there was one parent who used to show up at the strip club she was working at so it made for very interesting parent/teacher conferences.
Howard asked Jessica where she had sex and she told him that the guy asked her to go out and she just figured 'fuck it' and went off with him. She said that it was just the one parent that she did. She said she loves sex and loves her job now. Howard told her that she's got a great body and she looks great as well.
Gary came in and asked if there was something going on between her and Dave Navarro. She swore that she had never done anything sexual with Dave but she is friends with him. Artie said that she was also at a bachelor party that Nick Lachey attended. She said she couldn't believe that she was going to come out with this... Then she said that Nick had propositioned her at the bachelor party. Howard wanted to know exactly what he asked her. She said that Nick sent his body guard over to her and he asked her to get in his limo to go back to his place. Nick never said anything to her himself, he had his bodyguard asking her to do it. She didn't end up doing anything with him because she wasn't interested in him.
Howard asked Jessica if she's got a boyfriend right now. She said she does and she does like to get dressed up for him. She said that he's a magazine publisher and it's an adult magazine. Howard asked her who she was with. It turns out it's a guy by the name of Jim Keeler who runs Playtime magazine.
Jessica told Howard about how she had her ass bleached for an upcoming movie she's doing. She saw that Tabitha Stevens had it done so she wanted to do the same thing. She was never told that her ass was too brown or anything. She just wanted to get it done because it is kind of discolored. Howard asked her if she shits a lot. She said it's every other day or so. Howard told her that she's a girl and she should never shit. She then changed her story and said she never does shit.
Jessica said her ass was a little discolored and she wanted to lighten it up a little bit. She claims that she could see it in the mirror and noticed the darkness. She went to a place called Pink Cheeks to get it lightened up. They waxed her down and then applied the bleach. She said it was a girl who was doing the application. Howard asked her a few questions about that stuff and found out she had to apply the cream herself. She said she dipped her brush into the cream and then applied the stuff to her own ass.
Howard said he was fascinated by this whole thing and wanted to know as much as possible. Artie asked her to stand up because he noticed how great her ass looked. Howard told him to go check out her web site to see how great it is.
Howard was showing the guys how he can check out his own ass if he wants to. He bent over and demonstrated and almost passed out from having not eaten that much lately. Artie said he's never been able to do that and has never looked at his own asshole before.
Howard asked Jessica to ride the Sybian for them and do it for real, not fake an orgasm or anything. She said she would do that and she heard that some other women had ridden the machine. Howard gave Jessica a plug for her web site and the fact that they have a fake vagina and other body parts of her there on her site. She said that they even have removable piercings for her body parts since she's pierced in real life. She showed Howard some of her 17 piercings. She has a bunch of them in her ear and on her other body parts. Howard figured she was bored out of her skull but she said she's really not.
Both of Jessica's nipples are pierce. She also has her hood pierced and even had one of her finger's pierced. She said that might gross the guys out. Howard asked her about these guys in porn who have giant cocks and why they all have to have big dicks. She said she thinks it just looks good and it's more of a turn on when they're big. She said her boyfriend's dick is a perfect size for her and that it's 'normal' sized.
Howard asked Jessica to get naked and said that he wanted to check out her pierced hood to try and figure out what exactly the difference between that and the clitoris is. He told her it was time to get naked so she stripped right down and got ready to ride the Sybian. She wasn't wearing any panties. She showed the guys her hood piercing and Howard seemed even more confused by it after she showed it to them. The guys asked her to show off her ass and then had her bend over so they could see her bleached ass.
Howard found out she's 116 pounds and weighs just 116 pounds. Howard said that's the right weight for that height. The guys checked her out and found that she had a couple of tattoos. Howard eventually got her to bend over and show her bleached ass. It was definitely white according to the guys and she said that it was never really brown, it was just a little discolored.
Howard told Gary to bring in Sgt. Keith Manning since he was there to visit. Manning was back from Iraq after doing 2 tours of duty over there. Manning seemed to like what he was seeing but he had to tell his wife that he loves her. He said he was over in Iraq for 10 months this last time he was there. He had some trouble with his diabetes and passed out on a mission so he had to come home.
Howard asked Keith about what was going on over in Iraq. He said that things are crazy over there. He can't talk about killing anyone over there because that's classified information. Howard asked him how many kills he had but he really wasn't able to talk about that stuff. Gary said they sent him to Scores the other night and he had a great time there. Howard asked him if he's ever seen a better body than Jessica's. He said he's never seen anyone, other than his wife, with a better body.
Howard asked Jessica some more questions and found out that she enjoys anal sex and will sometimes just take a guy's cock and shove it in there when he's banging her. She won't do any ATM (Ass To Mouth) in her private life. Howard told Sgt. Manning that this was all for him and then had Jessica get on the Sybian.
Gary gave Jessica some suggestions for how to ride the Sybian. She got on the machine and Gary told her that he was going to be controlling the machine for her. Artie was heading over toward her so Howard told him to get back to his microphone. Then he asked Jessica if Artie could touch her boobs. She told him to come on over so Artie went right over and felt them up. He said that was the first time he was doing that and feeling guilt free.
Howard talked to Manning about how they could straighten things out in Iraq if they had women like Jessica over there. Manning talked about how he thinks we should be out of that country because they really don't appreciate what we're doing over there.
Howard had the Gary start out the Sybian at about 30 percent power. She seemed to be a little shocked by the power at that level so Gary told her there was even more. She asked for more and started to moan. She asked if she could use it for her next film and started to moan even more. She was screaming out and asking for more and seemed to be really into the machine. She sounded like someone was killing her at certain points. Then she came and asked Gary to turn it down. She said she had one big orgasm and was shaking from it.
Howard said that it's lucky that Sgt. Manning had baggy pants on. Jessica said that the machine was like nothing she's ever experienced. She was climaxing big time while she was on the machine. Artie said that it was the best Sybian ride in the history of the show. Howard wanted to put it up full blast and see what happens to her. She was still shaking from the last ride though.
Howard asked her if she could take the machine at 100 percent, she was only at 75 percent according to Gary. She wasn't sure if she could take that extra vibration. She was shaking and was barely able to stand up. Artie said that she was grabbing Will's arm during the ride and he claims that he would have exploded if that was him being grabbed.
Howard took some calls and one guy suggested that they put one of those crazy attachments on the Sybian instead of the flat one. Gary pulled out some other attachments to show her what they had. Gary pulled out one with an attachment that she would have to insert. Manning said that this was crazy and his wife was going to kill him.
Jessica didn't want to use the attachment and asked Robin to help her out there. Then the guys convinced her to try it out. She agreed to take that thing in. She asked if other chicks had ever taken it in. Howard said that they had so she didn't seem to have a problem with it. The caller who made the suggestion was still on the line listening in.
Jessica sat on the attachment and Gary started the machine up slowly. She was already moaning at 30 percent power. Gary slowly turned it up and Jessica was gasping for air and moaning like crazy. Gary turned it up to full speed but she sounded like she was cumming pretty hard again. She got off the machine and was shaking again. Sgt. Manning said he couldn't believe what he had seen. Jessica said she needed a towel because she was so wet.
Artie told her that she had to be in the hall of fame with that Sybian ride. Howard gave her some more plugs for her web site ClubJessicaJaymes.com and asked Sgt. Manning if he was going to stick around. Manning said he was going to hang out and thank some people, including Howard. Artie asked Jessica not to accidentally slip on to Manning's cock on her way out. She just laughed and said she'd make sure that didn't happen.
Howard said a friend of his called him over the weekend and said that he had heard the Mark Harris song ''I'm a Gay Papa.'' Howard played a little bit of the song and tried to figure the song out because they were never able to figure out why he was singing about himself in that way. Howard then said that his friend asked if they haven't earned the right to meet Mark's kids because he's always talking about what a great father he is.
Artie thought that they had met one of his kids but Howard said his daughter was supposed to have come up but she never made it to the studio over at K-Rock. Howard said this friend of his was on fire because he was asking about Mark Harris' kids and about Jennifer Love Hewitt. He pointed out that she's still living at home with her mother and she's 32 years old. Howard said he wants to talk to Carson Daly about that because he dated her for a while.
Artie said he was offered a part in a TV show with Jennifer and he was afraid that he was going to offend her mother, who was an Executive Producer on the show, so he didn't want to do it. He also said the script was horrendous.
Howard noticed that Jeff Schick from IBM was out in Gary's office. He said that Jeff is the man who got him into computers years ago and he's glad that he did. Howard asked Sgt. Manning if he was into computers and Keith said he just checks his e-mail and stuff. That got them back into their discussions about the Iraq war. Howard asked him if he ever saw guys getting letters from their wives who were breaking up with them. Keith said that's very common over there. He said he loves his wife so much because she's stuck with him through all of that.
Artie wanted to take Keith out shopping and let him buy anything he wants. He said he was going to spend the money on him that he would normally have spent on a broad. Artie said he really appreciates what this guy does for this country. He said that it was really tough when they heard that he was sick in a hospital in Germany.
Howard said that if he was the President of this country, he would just pull everyone out of Iraq the day he took office. Keith said that he would vote for Howard if he ran and he would get everyone to vote for him.
Keith was telling Howard about his personal life and how he's been married for 8 years and still hasn't had a honeymoon. He said he's been in the military for 18 years so he has just 2 more to go before he can retire.
Keith was also talking about the rules they have for fighting and how they can't shoot unless they've been fired upon themselves. He said that he had to get permission to come on the show and they warned him to be careful about what he says on the air. Howard played more of Mark Harris' ''I'm a Gay Papa'' song while Artie goofed on it.
Jon Hein came in with his show preview. Howard was singing about his 'gay TiVo' to the tune of Mark Harris' song. Howard asked Jon if he likes that show 'How I Met Your Mother.' Jon said he kind of likes it but he's waiting to see how Studio 60 does in the ratings because they don't have any likeable characters on the show.
Howard played even more of the Mark Harris song and goofed on that. He spent some more time talking to Sgt. Manning who was telling Howard how little they had to do to pass the time over in Iraq. Howard asked him if there were any gay guys getting it on over there. He said if they were, he didn't see it going on. He got some stuff that Howard went to him while he was over there. He got an iPod and some Chinese porn.
Jon Hein got back to his preview and said they'll be talking about Howie Mandel's visit and about Jessica Jaymes' Sybian rides.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Robin's earlier comments about being jealous of the notice Howard gets in the press. He thinks that she is just a sidekick and she won't be getting the same kind of notice that he gets. Howard said he likes Robin's honesty and he's glad she's there. He had her start her news a short time later.
Howard asked Sgt. Manning how long he's been friends with the show. Manning said that he's been friends with them for 8 years now. He gave Howard a few more details about the time he's served. Howard asked him what it's like to kill someone for the first time. Keith said that it's strange when you shoot a guy and he just drops, but you have to get up and keep moving after that.
Manning said he's in therapy right now but he's not a drinker or anything like that. Howard told him he has to keep going because he doesn't want him to lose his marbles. Manning said his wife is great and she's pushing him to go to therapy. He let her know that he loves her a few times during the show today.
Keith said that he has had some panic attacks since he got home. He said he had a couple of road side bombs go off while he was over there. Then he came back here and a car would backfire and he would end up on the ground because he's so freaked out. He said when the bombs went off over there he would literally shit his pants. He said that other guys over there would do the same thing and shit their pants. One guy pissed himself a little bit as well.
Keith said he's just glad he's still alive and there talking to them. Howard told him he's glad he's back home too. Keith gave a few shout outs to his friends and family. He talked a little more about the scary shit that went on over there and also mentioned that his friend Mark was there with him. He said that Mark isn't in the military but he is Federal.
Howard had the guys bring Mark in and asked him if he was packing heat. Mark said he does but they took it from him at the front door. Mark works for the FBI so Howard told him it was a pleasure to meet him. Keith said that Mark is his best friend and he was his best man at his wedding. Howard spent a short time talking to him and then had Robin get back to her news.
Howard took a call from a guy who was wondering about the comments Howard made last week about nuking Iraq. Howard told the guy he had to put that in context and then let Sgt. Manning comment on it. Manning said they just have to pull the soldiers out of that country before they do something like that.
Howard interrupted Robin's news and spent a couple of minutes talking to Mark about his FBI job trying to find out more about that. Mark couldn't give too many details though.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:40am.
Howard said he was just reading another story in the paper about what a failure he is and how he's going back to terrestrial radio. He said they also wrote that all of his guests have dried up. Artie said that now that he's in the industry he realizes what kind of bullshit there is in the news. He said about 80 percent of it is just lies.
Howard said this guy John Mainelli seems to hate him and always seems to have it in for him. He prints stories about him that just aren't true. He read some of the article about where Mainelli claims that there are rumors flying around that say Howard is going to do what Opie and Anthony did and return to terrestrial radio from the ''obscurity'' of satellite radio.
Howard read that Mel Karmazin is trying to cut a deal with Farid Sulemon on terrestrial radio to get him back there. Howard said that he would know something about that if it was happening because he would have some say in a deal like that. Howard said that Mainelli says they're saying that rumors won't die about that story but Howard pointed out that's because this guy won't let it go.
Howard said that there's no way he's going back to terrestrial radio. He has over 4.7 million people subscribing to SIRIUS already and there's no reason to go back to that horrible terrestrial radio. He said he had dinner with a guy last night who is very high up in the radio industry who said he loves to listen to the show now that there are such short breaks. No more 20 minute commercial breaks like there were on terrestrial radio.
Howard read more of Mainelli's article and read that all of their celebrity guest bookings have dried up. He asked Gary if that's true and then pointed out that their guests on terrestrial radio weren't all that great. Gary said that they were supposed to have Aerosmith come in last week but they were off one day and they couldn't work around the schedule. Howard said he also only has guests on the show that he wants to have in.
Mainelli said that Artie's movie bombed even though it was heavily plugged on the show. Howard didn't know he was responsible for that as well. Mainelli also claims that his web site traffic is down by 71 percent in the past year but Howard said that isn't true either. He said there are articles out there which say those statistics are a lie. He said that SIRIUS' web site traffic is higher than ever. He also said that his name is still being searched a lot on Yahoo and Google so the stats about him being searched on the web being down 90 percent is just another lie.
Howard said that Mainelli is another Stern basher who is trying to smear his name. He said they have plenty of celebrity guests coming up. Gary said that they just had Howie Mandel on the show. Donald Trump is coming up in a few weeks. Johnny Knoxville and the guys from Jackass are also coming on.
Howard pointed out that when he came to this company, they had radios just sitting on the shelves. Now they've turned the market around on XM and have been outselling them. That's the kind of power he has. He said there's some kind of jealousy coming from guys like that and he doesn't get it. Howard said he doesn't know why someone would be jealous of someone who has worked very hard and has won over millions of fans.
He said he meets a lot of people who claim that they're just like him and have similar lives as he does. Then they read about his success and think that they should have the same kind of success. There are some people who just can't stand that. That and the fact that his name sells newspapers.
Gary said that he just went and looked up some names of people who have been there in the past 9 months. He rattled off a bunch of names and they've had plenty of celebrity guests in that time. Howard said he wants to get a hold of Mainelli and ask him how he knows that these things are true that he's writing about. He doesn't call them to question them about the stuff he's printing.
Howard said he knows that Mainelli used to work in the radio business but he's not sure why he has to write that shit. He's not sure how he can write it and still have a conscience. Gary gave Howard a few more names of people who have been in there over the past few months. Howard said they are pretty much the same celebrity names that they had at K-Rock but they do get some big guests once in a while. Gary said their celebrity guest list hasn't dried up as far as he's concerned.
Howard said people have been predicting his end since he started out in the business. He's been doing it for over 25 years now and he sees no end in sight. Robin also pointed out that no one has ever written an article about how Howard was number one for many years and it will probably never happen again. Howard said people just want to judge him over everything they can just to bash him.
Howard said he's not bothered by whether or not his name is searched on the web. He said that stuff doesn't matter to him but someone wrote that he is scared and bothered by it. He said it's just shoddy journalism as far as he's concerned.
Howard read that he read that there was some crying going on in Elisabeth Hassleback's dressing room over the fact that Rosie O'Donnell has been hassling her on The View and it turns out that's not true. Howard said there was once an article about how he bought a stripper a car one time and that was completely untrue. Artie said he had an article about him getting up and performing on stage with a band and that story was completely untrue as well. They just seem to post stuff in the paper without backing them up.
Howard said things are just weird right now and if he goes out to do any promotion, these guys are going to write that he's desperate. He took a call from a guy who said this stuff is unbelievable. Howard said that no one has gone to a pay service, like he did, and made it a success. He's already been successful at bringing fans over to this pay service and the first year isn't even over yet. He's not feeling like a failure at all.
Gary said that he and Jason were writing down a list of the reasons that people have said were going to bring Howard's show to an end. Howard's divorce, the fact that he has no enemies are just two reasons that people have claimed were going to ruin his show. Howard's move from Afternoons to Mornings was going to ruin him. The syndication of his show was supposed to ruin his show according to reporters because he wouldn't have that local flavor of other radio stations. Howard's comments about Selena, his movie release, the show getting older, other shows coming after him and his move to SIRIUS were just some of the other things that were supposed to bring his show to the end.
Gary said that John Mainelli would also point out that Howard's show was over when he'd have the smallest drop in ratings in New York after having 25 books at number one. They only point out the negatives and never the positives. Robin said that these people must still be jealous of his career to still be printing stuff like this.
Howard said that he was planning on retiring from terrestrial radio before he moved to satellite so he has no desire to go back to that awful medium. He's no longer being bothered by the FCC and it would be the biggest mistake to go back there after bringing so many fans over to satellite with him. He says he won't go back. Howard said that his fans will eventually come over to SIRIUS.
Bobo called in and said that they're saying that there is no longer water cooler talk about his show anymore so that's why Howard is freaking out. Howard said he never even thinks about nonsense like that so he's not sure where they get that from.
Bobo mentioned Opie and Anthony so Howard said that it must be horrible to be them because their names are never mentioned without his name being mentioned. He said that the only reason they were on Letterman is because they were pushed on there by management. He pointed out that they only had 30,000 people sign up for their show when it was an extra charge at XM. He also pointed out that they were pushed on Letterman by management and that's what it's like to be them. He said it's got to be tough for them.
Howard said that he had three companies come to him with terrestrial radio offers but he turned down all three saying that he has no desire to go back there. He said he already had his time there and now he's done with it. If he went back there, he'd consider this satellite radio venture to be a failure. He hated having Tom Chiusano chopping up his show all the time. He wanted to move on after that so he let Bobo go. He said he can say over and over again that he's not going back to terrestrial radio but these guys like John Mainelli insist on printing that he is.
There were also some e-mails about Trent Reznor since Howard mentioned his name yesterday. Howard thought that Trent had disappeared but the fans let him know that he just released an album last year. There were also a few e-mails about the Pope discussions they had on the show yesterday.
A Canadian e-mailer said that SIRIUS is outselling XM radios up there by 2-1. Howard said that will never make it into the news though. He said that's a complete reversal of the sales figures but all of the reporters out there will leave that out of any news about his show.
Some people wrote in about Robin's comments about how jealous she was of Howard when she saw him on 60 Minutes the other night. Howard heard that Sal was going off on her during the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Robin said she heard that he had done that as well but didn't hear the show. Howard read an e-mail about that show and one guy thought it was Jon Hein who was going off on Robin. It was actually Sal though.
Howard had some audio from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where Sal went off on her. Sal said he loves Robin on the show but it is 'The Howard Stern Show' and he could fill her spot with anyone else. Sal was saying he's very happy to be working for the show himself even though he's in debt. He seems to think that Robin is just another woman who doesn't appreciate where she came from. Then he said that the problem with women is that the more you give them, the more they want. He seems to think that's what Robin is like and that's why she showed that jealousy toward Howard.
Gary said that Sal may have been angry because he and his wife got into a fight over his son's birthday party. Sal had a KISS cover band there at the party and he spent more time talking to them than he did talking to his own kids. Howard said that KISS is a goof and a joke and he can't imagine that his son is into the band. Sal says they are into them though. Gary said that Richard Christy dressed up as one of the members of the band and they ended up going into the bathroom to video tape a fake blow job between two of the KISS members.
Sal came in and said that he turned his son onto the band so he does like them. Howard said that's because kids worship their fathers and will listen to stuff that their parents listen to. Howard and Gary wondered why Sal didn't have Spongebob Squarepants at the party instead of a phony KISS band. Sal said he thought it would be fun to have KISS at the party. Gary told him that they weren't KISS though, they were a fake band.
Sal said that his wife didn't want him to bring the KISS band to the party so it wasn't easy to make that happen. He said they did the fake blow job after all of the kids had left the party.
Howard asked Sal what his problem is with Robin. Sal then started to go off on her about the comments she made on the show yesterday. He was talking about what an ego-maniac she is and going off on her but Howard told him he was out of line. Sal thinks that Howard and Robin are like God and Satan and Robin wanting to move on is like Satan moving on from being God's right hand man. Howard and the guys seemed to think he was out of his mind.
Robin said that no one respects and admires Howard more than she does. Howard went right into some mail about Sal. People were calling for him to be taken off the show because they think he's a dangerous person. Sal then started talking about how you can't put a woman in a position of power because men are the ones who are supposed to be in the power positions.
Howard told Sal he thinks he's a bit out of line with his comments about Robin. Sal wanted to know what he meant by that so Howard told him that Robin was just trying to say that she just had a twinge of jealousy when she saw him on 60 Minutes the other night. She doesn't really have feelings about him, it's more about her own life and career. Robin said that's true because it's more about the problems she has with her own life, it's not about Howard.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said that Sal might be the most disturbed person they've ever had on the show. He started to bring up the panty sniffing incident but Howard didn't want to get into all of that so he hung up on him.
Sal asked if Fred had those same feelings that Robin did when he watched 60 Minutes. Fred said those were Robin's thoughts and not everyone is going to react to that stuff the same way. Sal thinks that Robin needs to get some help but Howard pointed out that Sal is the one who needs help.
The Howard TV guys showed some video of Richard Christy going into the bathroom to do the KISS blow job thing. He was dressed up as Peter Criss and another guy was dressed up as Paul Stanley. The two of them pretended to be blowing each other. Howard watched that for a few seconds and had them shut it off.
Robin mentioned that she had her first driving lesson yesterday. That led to Howard reading a phony news article that a fan wrote about her lesson and how they had to close the track for a week to repair the damage she caused out there. Gary came in and said that he had some notes and that Robin got her car up to 150 miles per hour. She showed up in flip-flops so they had to go out and find her some shoes. One guy there gave her his fire retardant shoes to help her out.
Howard asked Robin about going 150 miles per hour. They were very happy with how Robin did according to the notes that Gary had. Robin said that Bubba is getting nervous about the race and he's already complaining that he's never had practice on a track like Pocono Raceway. Robin said she heard that Bubba was talking to Steve Langford about the whole thing and it sounds like he's already losing his mind. She said that if she does beat Bubba in a race she's afraid that they're going to lose him.
Howard had some video of Robin doing her race in a stock car. They watched that and Robin said that she wasn't scared at all. She said it was actually a lot of fun. They had some video of her climbing out of the car, which doesn't have doors, and no one was helping her. She said they can't help her, she has to figure out how to do it herself.
Artie said he once had his convertible up to 125 out in California and he got pretty scared doing that. Robin said she was actually getting bored doing 150 and wanted to go even faster. She said she had to keep her focus while at that speed because you don't want to screw anything up while going that fast.
Robin was saying that she thinks that Bubba might not be a real race car driver and that his race car driver buddies just let him pretend to be one. Howard asked her what she's going to do if she has to take a dump while in the middle of a race. Robin said you just don't go. Gary told Howard that Cara Buono had some other places to go so they had to get to her pretty quick. Howard went right to break after that.
Howard had the guys bring in Cara Buono who plays Artie's girlfriend in his movie 'Beer League.' Artie said she's also playing Christopher's wife on The Sopranos right now. Cara came in and Howard told her that he thinks that Artie might want her to be his real girlfriend. Artie wasn't looking at her and he does that with a lot of people.
Howard heard that Cara had some strange experiences with Artie during the movie shoot. Artie wouldn't kiss her on the lips and he would just do a cheek to cheek thing. Artie said he had to kiss a girl in the movie ''The Bachelor'' and he did the same thing. He said he gets the feeling that the girl is creeped out by kissing him and he just doesn't do it. He feels that he's doing them a favor by not kissing them. Howard said that he gets that feeling but he goes right in and kisses them anyway.
Howard asked Cara what she meant about the kissing so she told him about a scene where they were supposed to be making out and they ended up just rubbing cheeks and doing more of a puppy kiss type of thing. Artie said he really does feel that he's doing her a favor by not kissing her. He was also saying that Dana was there on the set of the movie the day they had their make out scene. Cara also had a boyfriend at the time.
Howard asked why Artie had Dana there on the set. Artie said she was helping him out a lot with stuff he was doing and it would have seemed kind of odd if he had asked her not to come down. Artie said she was almost an assistant to him during the movie shoot. Cara said Dana was very supportive and she didn't seem to have a problem with him kissing her.
Artie had heard that Cara's boyfriend had a problem with her making out with guys so that was another thing that caused some issues. Cara said that it's tough for guys who aren't actors to see their girlfriends making out with other guys. Howard said that Beth had to make out with a guy when she was on ''Less Than Perfect'' one time. He said she was asked to do another sitcom but if she keeps that up, he's going to have to break up with her.
Cara said that doing kissing scenes aren't all that sexy because you're more worried about messing up make-up and stuff like that. Howard asked her if she had any sexual feelings for Artie. She was just laughing and didn't say. Howard asked her how she got the Jersey accent down. She said she grew up in New York and actually lost that accent so she had to come up with the Jersey accent. She did a little bit of that for Howard when he asked.
Howard asked Cara if she has a boyfriend. She said she actually broke up with the guy she was dating about a year ago. He was into fencing according to Artie. Cara said that he just wasn't 'the one' and that's why things didn't work out. She said she thinks she'll know when she finds the right guy.
Cara told Howard she had dreams of being an astronaut until the space shuttle blew up. She said that kind of screwed things up. She was also saying that the reason she got into acting was because boys wouldn't ask her out so she figured that doing kissing scenes in acting would help her out. Howard and Artie joked about how she ended up making out with Artie in her future.
Cara was talking about how she had a 1280 score on her SAT test and how that was low. The guys let her know that they had a guy on the show who had in the low 700s on his test. That was KC Armstrong. Howard said his daughters also had high scores on their tests and he's not sure how that happened.
Gary said that he was looking at the notes about Cara and Will had asked her if she was attracted to Artie. She said that she's more into nerdy book type guys. Cara said that she likes to run and she'd want a guy who could run with her... and Artie isn't that type of guy. Howard let her know that he runs and he's run as far as 12 miles before. She told him he should do a marathon, that's what she's doing.
Cara said that she's doing her fourth marathon soon and also talked about some of the other things she does in her life. She told a story about a lesbian friend she has who had always told her that she was her type. Cara said she went to Scores for her bachelorette party and she got her first lap dance there. Cara said that the girl dancing for her was very soft and sexual. The dancer was kissing her neck and stuff so she was wondering if that happens all the time. Artie and Howard told her it's never happened to them.
Cara said that she did kiss her lesbian friend on her bachelorette night out. She said she liked kissing her too. Howard read that Cara was a fan of the show back when she was in high school and tried calling the show trying to get him to take her to her prom. Howard said that he and Fred used to take girls to their proms and would have a lot of fun doing it. That was back when they were down in Washington, DC. They told Cara about how they would take the girls to the prom in a limo. They'd leave after the prom and would leave the girls hanging for the after party. The girls would get all upset over that.
Artie said he went out to see his movie and he saw this girl he took to the prom many years ago. He said her sister went off on him for telling a story about robbing the bank because her sister was the one who was with him. Cara said that she tried calling into Howard's show to get that prom date but she was never able to get through.
Howard asked Cara if she's getting paid well while working on The Sopranos. She said she's doing okay and working on the Sopranos is pretty good for her. She was also on Third Watch for a while. Howard wrapped up with her and gave her a plug for her run in the New York City Marathon. She's doing the run to raise some money for a charity. She was also getting a plug for ''Beer League'' which is opening around the country on September 29th according to Artie.
Howard asked Cara what she thought about Artie and Dana breaking up. She said she felt sad for them because they seemed to be so good for each other. She asked Artie about couples therapy. Fred told her that's what started the break up. Artie said he went to therapy once and he felt more beat up after that than anything else. Howard started to sing a song about Artie and Dana as Fred was playing some sad piano music.
Cara asked Artie if there's any chance that they'll survive. Artie told her that his liver has more of a chance of surviving. Howard went into his Dana impression by getting on his megaphone and talking to Artie. Artie sarcastically said that this is his new favorite bit on the show. Howard goofed on Artie for a short time and joked that she had poisoned her dog for him. That led to Artie saying that her dog was on the set all the time and it was huge. He said that Cara could attest to that.
Howard kept going with the Dana impression and goofed on Cara a little bit. He also continued to goof on Artie and all of the stuff he must have done wrong with her. That also led to the guys telling Cara about the time Artie bought Dana a diamond, without the ring, when he was thinking of proposing to her. Artie told Howard to keep up that impression because he's working on a Beth impression for when he breaks up with her. Howard got out of the Dana impression a short time later. He congratulated Cara on her success and wished her luck in the upcoming marathon. She said this one is going to be her last one and she'll be running through an injury she has. Howard went to break a short time later.
The reporters were talking about how SIRIUS was losing money so that meant that Howard's move to satellite was a failure. They were also saying that his ego is crushed since he moved to satellite. Howard said that you can't trust anything this guy John Mainelli says. The TV news reporters pick up on his lies and make it seem like it's gospel. He played another clip from the local channel 11 News where the reporter says that rumors are ''swirling'' about his move back to terrestrial. Howard said he has a contract to stay there at SIRIUS and he has $500 million reasons to stay there.
Howard said that the story that's not getting out there is the fact that SIRIUS is crushing XM in sales. He doesn't understand how this is a failure. He said there's not much he can do about these reports who are marking him as a failure. He said that reporters just seem to hate him. He pointed out that Oprah Winfrey signed a $50 million deal to go to XM and she hasn't brought over one listener... but no one is reporting that she's a failure.
Howard said he feels good about where he's at and he hasn't been complaining about anything at SIRIUS. He said that the owner of SIRIUS had him over to his house for dinner recently and he was thanked by the guy for turning the business around. How that's a failure is beyond him. He said that today is a weird day and he'd better watch out. He said Beth asked him about this article that was in the paper this morning and he jokingly told her that he just hadn't told her about the news and it was happening tomorrow. He said his whole career has been really weird and that's why he wanted to just retire.
Howard said that for some guy who isn't so interesting, it's funny how everyone is still writing about him. He said that the number of searches for his name on the internet is not a gauge of how well he's doing. It's the number of radios he sells that matters.
Howard said Richard told him that he didn't want to be the receiver in that whole thing, he wanted to be the guy walking his dick toward Sal.
Howard had a prank call that Sal and Richard made to this public access TV show called ''Talking Yankees.'' They've called this guy before. He moved the show to a different time trying to get away from the prank calls that he was getting from these guys. Richard called him up and told him he found worms in his stool. Then Sal called him and said he loves when he talks about the weather. The host, Jonah, hangs up on them as soon as they start talking. He said he knows who ''these people'' are and says he may go visit them in person. Artie was laughing his ass off because the host says he only has two people calling into his show.
Jonah was about to give out Richard's phone number on the air but he stopped himself after 646. Richard kept calling in with stories about ringworm and things like that so Jonah finally said ''Fuck you!'' to him and said he wasn't going to take anymore calls.
Howard said he's got to be under 300 pounds. Artie said he's permanently in sweat pants at this point. Artie hopped on the studio scale and came in at 282 pounds. Artie said he was going to go leap from the building when he heard that. He said he may have to start doing blow again to replace his food addiction. He said that getting coke is easier than getting pussy for him so he may have to do that instead of getting laid.
Howard had the guys bring in Steve-O and Bam Margera who were there to promote the movie ''Jackass Number 2.'' He told them 'Bravo' on the new movie which they got to see in a screening recently. Howard said that they were reading on the air about the funniest comedies of all time and he feels that the first Jackass movie was one of the funniest movies he's ever seen. Bam said that most people have ADD and they can't follow a story so that's why they like that Jackass stuff.
Howard said that because of Steve-O he's watched some of the other jackasss type of shows and he just doesn't think everyone can do it the way these guys do. Howard said the critics don't want to say that their movie is so funny for some reason. He's not sure what it is but he thinks that Jackass 2 is great. Howard said that he's been accused of revealing too much about this movie.
Howard said that Johnny Knoxville really put out a lot for this new movie and was really hard core. He said that Steve also put himself out there and did some crazy stuff. Steve said that he was actually bed ridden for a while and he had to put himself out there to do some crazy stuff for the movie. Steve said he could have lost his foot in one segment because he had a shark coming toward him and one of the guys freaked out and told him to watch out. He ended up kicking a mako shark in the head and chasing him away.
Howard asked Bam about the stunts they do and if he thinks that he's a professional at what he does. Bam said he did learn to roll out of crashes when learning to skate board so he's a pro in that way. Howard said that if you get hit in the head with a medicine ball while riding a skate board, you can't know how to roll out of that.
Howard wanted to know if they'll show someone getting killed if one of the guys ends up dying while shooting one of these movies. Steve said he wasn't sure about that. Howard thinks that they should guarantee that they do something like that because it's bound to happen one day.
Howard said that these guys are getting some hot chicks these days. He said that Steve was dating a model and Bam is rumored to have banged Jessica Simpson. Bam claims that never happened but Howard told him he's going to choose to believe it. Steve also talked about jerking off in a bed that Nicole Ritchie was sleeping in. He said he never banged her though.
Howard asked the guys how much money the first Jackass movie made. The guys said that it made like $60 million but this new one is testing very well so far and they may be sitting on top of a monster. Howard told the guys he hopes that they're going to make some good money off of this movie because they really deserve it. Robin said that she'd hate to think of Steve ending up in a wheelchair from doing these stunts.
Bam said that he agreed to do the movie until he had 2 broken bones so he kept going because nothing was getting broken. Bam said they shared a bunch of ideas for stunts and agreed to do certain things. Bam showed the guys the tattoo on his ass which turned out to be cock and balls instead of skull and bones like they were supposed to put there.
Gary came in and asked if it was true that they had a $7 million life insurance policy on them. Steve said he didn't hear anything about that. They also talked about the experts that they have around while doing some of their stunts and how they do have an ambulance standing by before they even turn the cameras on.
Bam said he once did a stunt where he got hit by a car on purpose. He said he was starting it out at slow speeds but by the time it got to 30 miles per hour he was knocked out. Bam also told another story about jumping into a pond that was only about 2 feet deep and gashing his head open. He said he could have been paralyzed easily by doing something so stupid. Instead he just bashed his head open and had some staples put in there.
Howard wondered why Johnny Knoxville is getting back into this stuff after doing those other movies. Bam said he thinks that Johnny loves doing this stuff more than doing regular movies. Howard said he thinks that everyone stepped it up a notch for this new movie. Even Wee Man stepped up and did some crazy shit.
Steve-O said that they may have to have an amputation if they end up doing a third Jackass movie. He said they actually have a guy ready to do that. They had a guy who has a finger that got screwed up during a shoot and he needs to get the finger amputated anyway. Steve said he wants to have the guy stick his pinkie up his ass and then have it chopped off so they can call it the Stinky Pinkie.
Howard asked the guys about the way that Jay Leno treats them. Steve said that Jay does seem to treat them like he's disgusted by what they do but if that's the way he feels he shouldn't have him on the show. He treats them like their a bunch of assholes while Jimmy Kimmel treats them great.
Howard asked Bam if he's admitting that he had sex with Jessica Simpson or not. Bam said that things got blown out of proportion there. Steve-O started to laugh and asked him what got blown out of proportion, her ass? Howard tried to get some details out of Bam and found out that he met her while he was out at a party and then went back to her apartment and had some margaritas.
Howard said that if he banged Jessica, he'd be calling his friends from the bedroom. Steve-O said that Bam has never admitted to having sex with Jessica Simpson but he's also never denied it. Howard said that Bam is like the last person you'd ever think would have sex with Jessica Simpson because she seems like she's America's Sweetheart or something. Howard said it is amazing that these guys are getting some world class trim these days.
Howard and Steve realized they have something in common. They're both pre-mature ejaculators. Steve said he uses condoms to make himself last longer. Howard asked Bam if he has any pressure on him when he's banging chicks. Steve said he feels some pressure when he's with chicks. He said he never did do Nicole Ritchie but he did jerk off a few times while he was in bed with her. He said she was dead asleep while he was rubbing one out the first time. He was going back and forth thinking about her and other chicks while he was doing that. He said that she was totally awake while he was doing it the other two times he did it though. He thinks that she was into it.
Steve said he didn't want to offend Nicole in any way because he really wanted to be in the tabloids with her. He said he ended up getting sick and tired of the comments they were posting in the paper about stuff he wasn't really saying about her.
Robin said she heard that Nicole got Steve off of coke. Steve said he met her while he was on a coke binge and he was having so much fun with her that he got off the coke for a while. He hasn't done coke in over 8 months now. He said he loved being with her but it was just for the press. Howard said it seems like a lot of chicks want to bang these guys because of what they do.
Robin said that her new favorite Jackass is Bam but she used to really love Steve-O. Steve said that really hurt his feelings.
Howard got a note from Jimmy Pop of the Bloodhound Gang who said that he saw Jessica taking an ''after fuck pee'' one time when he was hanging out with Bam. Bam said he was ready to go over to Jimmy's house and beat the crap out of him over that.
Howard asked Steve about the claims he made the last time he called in. He had claimed that his father was the head of Nabisco but someone wrote in and said that he was the head of security for Nabisco. Steve said that as he understands it, he wasn't the head of security, he was the head of the Pepsi division down in South America or something like that. He said he's going to get to the bottom of it when he sees his father at the Jackass premiere this week.
Howard said that Sal and Richard seem to be very envious of what these guys do and they want to do something for them in the studio. They wanted to hold their sacks over a lit candle or something like that. The guys came in and they were all ready to hang their ball sacks over the candle. They did some art work on their bodies to make their penises look like other things. Sal was painted up to look like Gene Simmons of KISS. Richard was painted to look like Howard with his penis being the nose.
Steve said he thinks this stuff is fantastic. Sal and Richard were ready to burn their sacks and Steve-O was taking his clothes of to get ready for that himself. He said he was thinking about what he could do for the show and came up with his own stunt to do. Howard wanted to put a stop to everything they were doing in there because they were getting a little crazy. Sal and Richard were ready to burn their balls so Howard warned them that they were going to hurt themselves.
Gary became the time keeper and let the guys go ahead and do it. Richard burned his balls by putting his balls right on the flame. He burned the hair right off of them. Richard showed the guys his burned balls and Steve-O was about to vomit. Gary asked him to please not do that in there though. Sal was complaining about the way Richard did the flame thing but it was all about who got there faster so that's why he went in so quick.
Steve O was going to do this stunt he calls the Double Back Back Flip. He tucks his balls in between his legs and then does a back flip. Howard said they'll have that on Howard TV so people can check it out there. He wasn't even able to describe what he had just seen.
Howard asked Bam about walking off his own SIRIUS radio show recently. Bam said that his uncle is in jail over something so stupid that he got pissed off and walked off the show. He said that he was really upset about the whole thing and that was going on while he was getting ready to go on air so he flipped out and walked off. Howard had the audio so he had Fred play that so Steve could hear it. Steve got a couple of laughs out of that.
Howard said he was going to predict that Jackass Number 2 was going to do $35 million in it's opening weekend. Steve said he thinks they'll do better than the first one which did $22 million the first weekend. Howard asked Bam if Jessica Simpson is fully shaved in the middle of that discussion. Bam didn't answer.
Howard took a few phone calls for the guys. One of the callers was a chick who Steve knew. She said she just wanted to say hey to Steve. Another caller brought up a scene in the movie where one of the guys, Chris Pontius, drinks horse sperm. The guys wondered if that's gay. They weren't quite sure what it was. Richard, who was still naked, asked Howard if he wanted to play the game they had set up. Howard had Jon Hein come in with the game but Steve was talking about all of the stuff that he had done the morning he had called the show last. He was doing a bunch of stuff like Nitrous Oxide and stuff like that.
Steve was also telling stories about going to Paris Hilton's house and having Christian Slater show up. He said that Slater went nuts that night and was hitting on him. He claims he was hitting on him and doing some other wacky stuff. Slater ended up getting arrested that night and it was in the news. Howard remembered the story but didn't know that Steve was there. Steve said it was awesome that night. He said that Christian came back that night and he ended up taping him to a chair. Steve said Christian didn't do anything gay with him but he was coming on to him.
Jon Hein had the game where they asked the guys if they have done certain drugs or stunts. The first thing was heroin. Steve said he's never done it. Swallowed human urine? Steve said he's done that, so has Bam. Swallowed human feces? Steve-O said no, Bam said he did eat horse shit but not human shit. He also said the shit was kind of dried up and tasted kind of like hay and dirt with some shit crystals in it. Richard pointed out that he and Sal have swallowed each other's feces.
Jon asked the guys if they have ever had a penis in their mouth. Steve said he once kissed a guy on the head of his penis for a stunt. Steve said he was doing that to help rid the world of homophobia. Bam said he once punched Wee Man in the balls skin on skin after Wee Man punched him in the balls on stage one time.
Gary came in and said that Mike in the news room saw Steve-O do something to a guy one time at a show that was pretty wild. Steve had chewed up a light bulb and an audience member threw up some alcohol on him after that. Steve then called him on stage and made him drink his piss instead of kicking him out.
Jon asked the guys if they ever drank human blood. Neither of them have done that. Jon asked them about using Crystal Meth. Steve said he's done that but he's glad he never really got into it. Steve also said that he's done cocaine but never smoked crack. Bam said he doesn't smoke anything, not even cigarettes.
Jon asked the guys if they've ever gotten any STDs. Steve said he's clean right now and Bam is amazed by that because he's been with so many chicks.
Ralph called in and asked Bam how long he waited before running out of the room after banging Jessica Simpson. Bam said that was the thing, she wasn't that annoying when he met her in person. Bam wasn't saying too much and was kind of skirting around the question. He said he did leave at 8 in the morning and the rest of the night was a big blur.
Howard thanked the guys for coming in and then wrapped up the interview. He told the guys they risk a lot doing these movies but it is some funny stuff their doing. He said he wishes them a lot of luck with this movie and he hopes that they make a lot of money from it so they're all set financially. Steve-O got in a plug for the ''Ultimate Predator'' DVD before Howard went to break.
Howard said that Mainelli claiming that he's miserable at SIRIUS is just a lie. He said he's never had a conversation with anyone about being miserable there. He loves being there. He said the latest information that came out says that they're outselling XM and they have flipped around the whole thing since he got there. He asked Robin if she's ever heard him complain about working there. Robin said it's just the opposite, he never complains about it.
Howard said it seems like XM and terrestrial radio lovers are just bashing the crap out of him and trying to make him look bad. He wonders why no one prints the facts. Howard said he had a quote for everyone and said ''I love it here. I'm never going to terrestrial radio...'' He also said he's not depressed and he will spend the next 4 and a half years there.
Robin wondered if these smear campaigns are starting to work. Howard said they never work and they always go on to be successful. Howard said he could have stayed on terrestrial radio if he wanted to but he doesn't want the FCC on his back. This move to satellite has been nothing but pleasant for him.
Howard asked what facts John Mainelli has about all of the stuff he printed. He said he doesn't appear to have any facts and the reason he puts him in his articles it to sell newspapers.
Artie said that it's great that he has a forum like this to refute those claims. Ralph called in and asked what Howard would have to complain about there because they have all the freedom in the world and the fans are coming over in droves. He pointed out that the show has a flow to it that it never had before with all of the commercials they had to sit through. He said there's not one single thing that would show and inkling that he's miserable there.
Howard said he's had people in his career try to put him in jail. He's been investigated and things like that so working at SIRIUS is the best thing he's ever done. Ralph said that Howard is up working on stuff until 2 in the morning sometimes because he loves his job right now. He's never heard a thing about him being unhappy there at SIRIUS. Howard asked him if he's ever said anything to him about going back to terrestrial radio. Ralph said that has never happened and he's always saying how happy he is there.
No one is sure who is planting these seeds out there about him being unhappy. Howard said that he's also not a failure. He has helped SIRIUS turn around and he's thinking that they're going to crush XM. They've already reversed the sales numbers between XM and SIRIUS so that SIRIUS has 70 percent of the market share while XM has the other 30. It used to be the opposite before he moved there.
Howard said that people used to say that he was never going to get a million people to sign up to pay for his show. Now he's got millions of people signing up and the news reporters have to come up with something else so they pick web searches and say that he's not getting as many as he used to.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's happy that Howard has this outlet to let people know about the lies that reporters are printing. He replayed the audio clip he played earlier where some FOX reporters were discussing Howard's misery there at SIRIUS. Fred pointed out that one of the guys on the show was from a company that owns 2 low power radio stations. Some expert there.
Howard went through that audio clip and commented on the reporter's inaccurate information. He went off on the one guy who was quoting false facts and said he's a retard and that he's out of his mind. He said that they're a bunch of fuckin' assholes.
Howard had another news report where they quoted that same article. Howard said it's really unbelievable. Mutt called in and said that this stuff pisses him off. He said he's been on the web doing some research of his own and everyone out there is saying that the information that the original article had was a bunch of bullshit. Howard said he spoke to his web site guys and they said their traffic is not down. Mutt also said that Google is saying that Howard's name is still being searched just as much as it was last year, the year before that and the year before that.
Howard said that the only stat that really counts is the number of radios that have sold. Mutt said he's had people walk up to him and say that it's horrible how bad the show is doing. He said that the numbers that are being quoted are all bullshit because they're comparing the number of people who were checking him out in January to what it's at now. Howard let Mutt go a short time later.
Steve got in a few more stories that they'll be covering today on Howard 100 News. They'll be talking about Steve Grillo and the tough financial times he's having right now. Steve also talked to Howard about how great Robin was doing yesterday as he was watching her race.
Jon Hein had a quick Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Bam and Steve-O's visit. They'll also be talking about Cara Buono's visit and what was discussed during that interview. The John Mainelli article will also be a subject for discussion as will Robin's race car class.
Howard took a call from Celeste who said that a friend of hers over at Free FM (formerly K-Rock) was under the impression that Howard was coming back to terrestrial radio because of the stories that were on the news. Howard thanked her for that call and then had Robin start her news.
Howard had Robin do a few more news stories and then told Gary that he could bring in the fans who were there for a tour of the studio. He said it was okay that they sit in during the news. Howard said a quick hello to Jerry and Mike a short time later. He joked around with them about the ''horrible'' space he works in now and how he just had to get out of there to go back to terrestrial radio.
High Pitch Eric called in during the news claiming that he had some spinach yesterday at the all you can eat Chinese food restaurant. No one believed that he ate spinach though. He also asked if he would like him to go after John Mainelli for him. Howard told him to leave the guy alone. Artie told him that he better have gone out and paid to see his movie over the weekend. Eric said he went and got the biggest bucket of popcorn he could get.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started off the show talking about going out to dinner with his oldest daughter. He then went home and watched some of Spike TV's 'Blade' series. Robin said she likes that show as well even after she poo-pooed it after watching the first couple of episodes.
Artie was talking about Howard's daughter and Howard let him know that she's a big fan of his. She was asking how he was doing while they were out to dinner last night. Artie said he got to know her out in Vegas when they were out there one year. Howard said he didn't remember how she knew him and sometimes his kids get mad at him for not remembering every little detail about their lives.
Howard said he told his daughter about Artie losing Dana and how he's up to 282 pounds. He said she just loves Artie and she was saying he's very nice and considerate. She doesn't understand the drinking, gambling, drug addict part of him though. Robin said that was the year they were in Vegas and Artie had to get out of there because he was afraid that he was going to die if he stayed there much longer.
Howard said his dinner was very, very nice. Beth was out at some movie thing so he jumped into bed and started watching 'Blade' since Beth isn't a fan.
Howard played some of the news clips where people were quoting the article that was in the NY Post yesterday about his possible return to terrestrial radio. Robin told Howard that John Mainelli printed what Howard said on the air yesterday. The reporters are still making it seem that he has failed on satellite and if he can't make it there then maybe no one can.
Howard said that when these reporters are saying that he only has 1 million listeners of his own, and the people at SIRIUS are telling him that there are 4 million, there's something weird going on. Howard said he and his agent were talking and thinking that maybe these stories are being floated to keep the stock prices down.
Howard listened to one news report where they talked about his web site visitors dropping down. He pulled out some research that someone did for him where they compared the web searches for his name from a year ago to what they are today on google.com.
Gary came in and asked Howard if he wanted to hear Penny Crone's interview with John Mainelli. Howard didn't want to listen to it so Gary gave him a quick synopsis of what it said. He said that Penny asked him about everything that she could and found out that John seems to be upset that he doesn't get an answer from Howard when he asks for a quote. He's tired of being pawned off on Howard's agent. Gary said that Penny found that John finds Howard to be one of the greatest radio talents ever and he has no problem printing rumors. He also seems to think there are other radio guys that are more edgy than he is right now. Howard said that if that's the case then he should be writing about them and not about him.
Gary said that Penny pointed out that she used to call into the show and get through to Howard all the time. John thought she had a special line to get through on but she told him she would just call in on the regular line. Howard brought up the rumor thing again and said that there's a rumor that John fucks poodles so he wants to go print that somewhere. He said he has the feeling that he's just printing that stuff because he's upset that he won't call him back.
Howard said he just wants to drop the whole thing and moved on to more news clips where they talk about Howard's whole move to satellite falling apart. He found some of the reports to be kind of funny. He also said that it's kind of weird how Inside Radio started these rumors but the NY Post is taking credit for them. Howard said they keep quoting the reports that his web site traffic is down by 70 percent but Howard says his web guys tell him that's not true, it's not down at all.
One reporter talked about Howard bragging about the $500 million he was getting paid. Howard cut that one off and said he never mentioned that number. That's what was being reported by reporters just like this guy. He continued to play the clip where the reporters talked about Howard's apparent failure on satellite. Artie said that these reporters sound like old people being so out of it they don't even know what's really going on.
Howard played yet another news report where a reporter talks about Howard's satellite run possibly coming to an end. Another reporter said that Howard may have realized that he won't be making it on satellite and now he may be moving back to terrestrial radio. Howard just laughed as they quoted Mainelli's article which was full of speculation. Howard had to stop listening to this one because the reporters had no idea what they were talking about.
Howard said that a friend of his told him that they're predicting that they're going to have 40 million subscribers for satellite radio by the year 2010. He's going to save all of those news reports to play when that happens some day.
Howard got back to the one audio clip he was playing and the dopey reporters were wondering if Howard would have to give back the money he got paid for moving to satellite if he went back to terrestrial radio. Howard said they must be retarded. The reporters also said Howard may be following Opie and Anthony since they went back to terrestrial radio. Howard said that if he only had 30,000 subscribers signing up to hear his show, then he'd have to go back to terrestrial. He said he loves it there at SIRIUS and he has no plans to ever go back to regular radio.
Howard had a report from Keith Olberman's show where he at least pointed out that he denied the rumors. Olbermann also had a guest from Talkers Magazine on to talk about how ridiculous the rumors were.
Howard told Richard that he's a homosexual. Richard said his finger wasn't touching his penis, only the paint was touching it. Howard told him that stuff is gay wether or not his finger touched him. Richard said that there was nothing erotic about it though. Howard said that it was a new step for Sal because he had never shown his penis on the air before. The guys said that they're kind of like the guys in that Joe Rogan bit who do gay stuff and don't know that it's gay.
Howard said he was kind of behind in playing some of the bits that the guys have been doing but he also had more news reports to play. He wondered if anyone wanted to hear them. Fred said he wanted to hear them so Howard got into a few more of them.
Howard played some clips where reporters finally started reporting that the rumors were false. They had some quotes from SIRIUS. They were saying that the rumors were false. Howard said that Mel Karmazin was telling him that he would never turn him back over to terrestrial radio.
Gary came in with a picture where Richard was putting paint on Sal's penis. Howard showed that to the guys and said that's definitely gay. He also said that Sal has some tits on him now and that makes him look like a chick. He also asked about Sal's uncircumcised penis. He said he's not used to seeing that look but he does believe in not circumcising guys.
McGreevy read some excerpts from his book where he talked about that day when he kissed this man the way he really wanted to. Artie heard that and said ''Oh my God...'' Artie said he had a stand-up gig up in Boston the weekend the Governor admitted to all of this stuff and before he even got on stage some guy yelled out ''Your Governor sucks cock!''
JD came in and told Howard that there was one clip where McGreevy's lover breaks down and cries during the interview. Howard played a clip where the guy cries while talking about what a great guy McGreevy is. There was another clip where Oprah talked to McGreevy about going behind a Synagogue to have gay sex. Robin said that all of this stuff covers up the stuff he was doing wrong while he was in office.
Howard said that John Mainelli is thrilled that his name is getting mentioned somewhere and that's probably why he writes the stuff that he writes. He said that he's going to continue to service the fans and they have some great programming coming up. He said the best part is that they hardly have any commercials. The caller said he really likes the stuff that he has on his channels.
Howard said he loves working there. He said no one has a job that they really love but if he had to have one, this is the place to work. He said that the management team is great and it's all good for him right now. He has no complaints and doesn't want to leave that place.
The caller asked Artie when he's going to come down to Washington DC. Artie said he hasn't been there for a while and he should go down there.
Howard said that Howie Mandel's 'Deal or No Deal' did really well on Monday night. It came in first place in it's time slot. Howard said it's the dumbest game ever invented but it's fun to watch. He said he finds it very interesting to watch because people will turn down a lot of money to risk the chance at getting more.
Howard said that on September 29th they're going to be celebrating the first anniversary of the birth of Howard 100 and 101. That's when they made the channels live last year. Howard also mentioned that his web site traffic is actually up by 12 percent according to his team.
Robin said that her driver, Gene, was out taking a survey on the streets asking people what kind of satellite radio they had. He said that 26 out of 30 cars had SIRIUS radio.
A phone caller told Howard that Bubba was getting a bunch of shit from his crew about not being able to get Robin out of his head. He's supposed to race her soon and he's kind of freaking out that she's doing well at racing cars.
There was some discussion about Bubba getting implants for some bet he had going on. That led to the guys asking Richard and Sal if they would do that when they were doing the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard played an audio clip from that show where Artie asked Sal if he would be willing to do something like that. Sal said that he might do something like that for $250,000. He would have to keep the implants for a full year.
Howard said that if Sal wore a sports bra with a big sweatshirt, he could probably get away with it. He heard that Sal's wife told him he couldn't do it. He said he thinks they could convince Sal to do it though. Sal said the only way he could do it is if he got a divorce.
Howard said that would be funny because he wouldn't just have tities but he'd be divorced. Sal said his wife is really uptight about that stuff and she won't get on the air to talk about it. He said his wife's cousin heard about the offer and asked where he could go to get that money. Sal said it's a lot of money. Howard said they might see that some day, they just have to wait and see.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she finds Richard and Sal to be very creepy. She was also saying that she saw Howard's 60 Minutes interview last Sunday night and she thought it was very good. She had missed it the first time it aired last year. Howard said he was checking out some of the out takes they had on Yahoo the other day and they had some good stuff on there.
Howard was telling the caller that he must have been attractive on some level when he was younger but when he looks in the mirror he sees the ugliest person in the world. He said he's never seen anyone who looks as odd as he does. The woman was telling him how good looking he was but he didn't want to believe it.
Artie told Howard that there are many people out there who are just as ugly as he is. Howard said that he thinks that JD is even better looking than he is. The woman on the phone said that he has ''kind eyes'' which isn't something that any guy wants to hear.
Artie said that if he loses weight he's not a half bad looking guy. The woman on the phone said she saw him on Conan the other night and he looked like he could have played a villain in some bad 70's TV show. Artie thought she was going to tell him he looked like Canon or something.
Howard said the one thing he's been lucky with is his hair. It hasn't turned grey or fallen out yet. The woman told Howard that she thinks that he looks kind of like that Robert Reed guy from The Brady Bunch. Howard said he thinks that he kind of looks like Larry King. Robin said she knew he was going to say that but he's so far off the mark. She said that he has this view of himself that just isn't right.
Howard took a call from Dave the Pinnochio guy, who told him he looks like a camel with long hair. The guy told him to go look at his own web site to see just how bad he looks. Richard Christy came in and told the guys that some people have compared him to Rocky Dennis from the movie 'Mask' and that really hurts him. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview after that bit. Lisa told Howard that Penny did a great job yesterday getting an interview with John Mainelli. She said that she actually gave Penny the phone number. She also said that there are just 6 more days left to get a free SIRIUS radio. There are limited quantities of the radios so you have to get in on it quick. Howard said that he should be getting one of the portable units to try out soon. He said it's like the size of an iPod and you can get the signal just about anywhere.
Lisa said that Jason and Will reported that Ronnie the Limo Driver wasn't getting many people looking for his autograph the other day but Ronnie claims that's not true. There's also a report about Artie's assistant who loads up his iPod with songs who has been loading up a couple of iPods for Gary and Howard but they're not paying him. Gary said that the iPods he's loading up for them are for work, not personal like Artie's. Lisa also got in a plug for tonight's Intern Show which airs on Howard 101 at 7pm. Howard let Lisa go and talked more about that dopey story about stiffing Artie's iPod helper.
Howard read some more mail about Sal and Richard's gay stuff from yesterday's show. There was also an e-mailer who said that Howard may have cock blocked Artie during the Jessica Jaymes visit. The writer seems to think that Howard interrupted Artie while he was asking her some questions. Artie said he was kind of trying to see how she would react to him but he's pretty sure Howard didn't ruin anything and he wouldn't have had a chance with her.
There was some feedback about Sal's odd behavior on the show lately. Some people also wrote in about Artie's weight gain. The writer said he was sick of seeing Artie's pictures in the daily rundown on Howard's web site.
Howard said he had an e-mail from a guy who had installed SIRIUS on his motorcycle. There were a ton of e-mails about Sal and Richard's gay stuff that he skipped over. He said someone wrote in and suggested that they stop talking about racing because Robin really has no idea about racing and can't say she's going to beat Bubba after just one class.
Howard played a voice mail from Wendy the Retard who was trying to find a deejay that she used to listen to. She said that he used to work on a bunch of different stations in Florida and she would really like to meet him. She was crying as she was asking for help in finding him. She asked for Howard to hire the guy up there at SIRIUS so she can hear him again. Gary thought he heard her saying that she used to have phone sex with the guy and that is what she said. Howard said he's not sure if she would know what real phone sex was.
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to play. The first clip was baseball player Johnny Damon talking about Howard's move to SIRIUS. He congratulated him on that and wished him luck. Howard then mentioned that Johnny Knoxville was going to be stopping by the show today.
Howard said that Oprah Winfrey's show has been up against Ellen Degeneres' show in some markets and Oprah is slamming her in the ratings. Howard said he'd like to know who made the decision to put Ellen's show up against a show like Oprah's because it's kind of crazy.
Howard brought up a story about a cab driver in the city who was robbed and shot dead recently. He said the guy was trying to make a living and these scumbags just kill the guy. He read that the muggers may have been angry that he didn't have more money than he did. He also read that the guy would call his wife as he was ending his shift and on that night he called and let her know that he had some guys chasing him down. He called back a short time later and let her know he had been shot before he passed away.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to thank Howard for making him laugh this morning. The guy mentioned that he was a physician's assistant so Howard wondered why the guy wouldn't just become a physician if he was going to school anyway. The guys figured that it was probably the amount of school he had to go to. He was already off the phone so they couldn't ask him. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Johnny said that the other guys aren't looking to act in the movies like he's been doing lately. Howard said that if Johnny didn't show up to do another Jackass movie then they might not show up. Johnny said that each one of them would have to be in the movie because any one of them would be missed.
Gary said that this may be a bad road to go down and it may cause trouble if they talk about it too much. Johnny said that he and a couple of other guys created the whole thing so they get a little more money than the rest of the guys.
Howard told Johnny that he thinks this new movie will make a lot of money but he wonders if they will actually make money on the movie when it's all said and done. Johnny said they did get paid on the first movie so he's pretty sure this one will come through as well. Robin said there's no money being spent on the movie so there's nowhere to hide it. Johnny said that they did have to spend some money on insurance though.
Robin figured that the movie cost about $5 million to make and Johnny said that's probably about right. The first one cost about $6 million total and made about $100 million after the DVD release and all of that. Johnny said he was out on tour with the Wild Boys in Russia and having some fun so Jeff Tremain asked him if he wanted to go ahead and do a second movie. He wasn't sure he wanted to do it because he didn't want to get hurt trying to top themselves. He said they were just trying to be funny but he also believes that they topped themselves.
Howard said that he thinks that the first Jackass movie should be in the top 5 comedies of all time because it makes you laugh so much. Artie said he's never laughed so hard at a movie as he did at the first one. Johnny had a huge bruise on his leg from when he did Letterman's show the other night. He was hoping to go through some iron bars but ended up slamming into them instead.
Johnny said the last time he was on Letterman he dropped in from the catwalk and sprained his ankle. Howard asked him if he thinks of himself as an expert when it comes to that stuff. Johnny said he gets paid to do it so he's an expert in that way. Howard said that Johnny sent in a request to do the show before the whole Jackass thing took off so he figured he had been doing it for a long time. Johnny said he hasn't done it all his life but he has been doing it for a long time now.
Robin told Artie about one scene in the movie where Johnny attaches a rocket to himself and it doesn't go well. The rocket explodes out the side instead of the back and almost took out Johnny and two crew members.
Howard said that you can enter a contest to check out a screening of the movie at Bam Margera's house. Just go to Sirius.com/faction. He took some phone calls after that. One caller said he's never heard him have people on the show promoting the same movie two days in a row. Howard said he's a fan of Steve-O and Johnny's so he wanted to let them come in and promote their stuff. He's always had them on the show too.
Howard asked Johnny if he thinks that someone is going to die doing the stuff they do. Johnny said he can't think about that when they're doing that stuff. He said that his young daughter saw some of the movie and she was laughing like crazy. That led to them talking about Steve Irwin's death and how upset Johnny was when he found out about that. He said he was a fan of that guy.
Howard asked Johnny about getting bitten by a snake for the movie. Johnny said that the pain was at about a level of 8 out of 10. He was lucky he didn't lose his arm because the guy had told him that one of his other anaconda's had taken off part of another guy's leg a few days before. Johnny said he knows that he could die doing this stuff and he knows that he's very lucky that he hasn't been paralyzed yet. Howard figures that it'll be something really stupid that will kill him or hurt him really bad. Johnny said it'll probably be doing something like diving into a bush that will do it.
Howard asked Johnny if he tried to out do himself with this movie because some people didn't think he came through in the first one. Johnny said he thought he did come through with the first movie because he was in the hospital 3 times for that movie.
Howard wondered if people challenge Johnny to stunts all the time. He told him about Richard and Sal doing their stunt yesterday when Bam and Steve-O were there. Johnny said he never really gets challenged but there are people who want to punch him and stuff like that. He said he can walk away from words but if someone touches him he has to do something about it. He said he has no control over his right arm if someone touches him. He doesn't want to fight, he just wants to drink. He also suggested that people out there not try to do the stunts they do because they are so dangerous.
Robin said that some people are under the impression that they're better than the Jackass guys because they suck. Johnny said they do suck and laughed as he was saying it. He knows they suck. Howard asked him when he's going to be too old to keep doing this stuff. Johnny said he's 35 years old now and he's not sure when that might be over.
Howard wondered if he'll call it quits if he makes like $15 million from this movie. Johnny said they never do it for the money so he's not sure about that. Johnny talked about the process of making the movie and how they have way too much footage for this one. They have so much fun doing it that he doesn't want to stop. He said they'll have a ton of extra stuff for the DVD release too.
Howard asked Johnny what he's doing in his personal life now. Johnny is still married so Howard was kind of surprised by that. That led to the guys talking about how they've read a lot of stuff about him in the paper where he's banged chicks but Johnny said you can't believe all of that crap.
A caller asked Johnny if it was true that he was banging Kate Moss out on Martha's Vinyard. Johnny said he wasn't doing her but he was out there. They have mutual friends. Howard asked how he can be friends with her and not bang her. Howard said it's cool that he gets to hang out with this chick and that his wife lets him do that.
Another phone caller asked if Johnny has a problem with Bam and Steve-O since he wasn't on with them yesterday. Johnny said he didn't set up the appearances and he has no problem with them. He said he loves Steve-O but he can only take so much of him. Howard and Artie asked him if it was true that Steve grew up as a rich kid. Johnny said as far as he knows he did grow up in other countries with a lot of money.
Richard Christy came in and said that one of the things in the movie was insane to him. They were messing around with animal traps. Bam put his arm into a bear trap but it didn't end up getting broken. That led to the guys talking about some of the stuff the guys do with their cocks in the movie. Johnny said he doesn't pull his dick out in the movies because he's just not that guy.
Howard asked Johnny if he likes drugs like Steve-O was talking about. Johnny said that he likes pills but not cocaine and stuff like that. He said he will take amphetamines and stuff like that. He said he's not good at smoking weed either. He once smoked with Willie Nelson and he was flying high for hours. The guys spent a few minutes talking about weed and how they can't take it. Howard can't smoke it because he goes so crazy from it.
Johnny said he doesn't like doing stunts at night or doing anything in cold weather or cold water. Howard asked him if he's a millionaire. He said he's doing okay and if you added everything up he might be one. Howard asked him if he would show footage of one of the guys dying if that happens in a future movie. Johnny said that would probably be the closer because you can't really go on after showing something like that.
Howard told Johnny that he's pulling for them to do well with this movie. He said he knows that it's going to eventually end badly for Johnny though. He figures he's either going to die or get divorced. Howard gave another plug for the SIRIUS screening giveaway and wrapped up with him. They played the Jackass theme song which is ''Corona'' by the Minute Men. Howard told Johnny that Richard and Sal wanted to challenge him to game of cock chicken where he'd have one of the guys coming over to him with their dick out. Johnny passed on the challenge and Howard didn't really want to see that either so he let Sal and Richard go. Howard went to commercial break after that.
Howard mentioned that the Intern Show was coming up tonight at 7pm. He also mentioned Bubba and Ferrall's shows that are on each day. He said that Ferrall was going nuts on his show last night. He had an audio clip from that show where he was complaining about women sports reporters. He's not a fan and suggested that they blow him instead of doing the announcing. He said that some of them are good but they're just boring.
Artie said Ferrall was talking about this woman Susan Waldman who he also dislikes. He said it's sad to say that he has to agree with Ferrall and they really do need dudes doing the sideline reports instead of chicks. Some of them are really hot but they have no business being there.
Howard gave Mutt credit for his cross promotion of the shows since that was one of the things he had suggested at the summit meeting they had last week.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's kind of worried about Artie and wanted to help him out with his weight. The guy said he used to be a fat guy himself. He was up at 306 pounds and now he's down to 175 pounds. He said he knows Artie doesn't know how to lose the weight. Artie cut him off and said he knows how to lose weight, he's done it before. He said he just has to work on it. Right now he's at 282 pounds and he doesn't want to be 300 pounds. He's hoping he doesn't go there.
Robin said that Richard and Sal were talking about doing a challenge to see who could gain 100 pounds the quickest. Howard said he could gain that 100 pounds quicker than anyone there. Ralph called in and said he had to agree with Scott Ferrall as well. He doesn't think that those women belong on some of those sports shows. That got Artie talking about that again and complaining about Susan Walden calling the Yankee games. Gary said she called a game for her first time and got death threats after doing it.
Scott Ferrall called in and said that he saw the Mets shooting champagne corks off of her tits in the locker room the other night. He and Artie were also saying that injecting comedy into sports isn't cool either.
Howard interrupted Scott and asked him what he thinks about Robin and Bubba's race. He asked Scott if he thinks she has a chance against him. Scott said that he thinks Robin did great by going out and racing but Bubba lives inside a diesel engine and he's been racing for years. He doesn't think she has a chance even though he'll be rooting for her. He asked him if he thinks it'll be the worst thing for him if Robin actually does beat him. Scott said he thinks that Brent will take over and start hosting the show if Bubba loses that race to Robin. Howard thanked Scott for calling in and gave him a plug for his show which airs at 8pm (East) on Howard 101.
Steve gave the guys a rundown of what they had coming up on the news today and one of the stories was about John Mainelli who might have some conflict of interest if he's got ties to terrestrial radio and he's reporting on negative things about satellite. Howard said that's nice that they're looking into that stuff.
Steve also mentioned the free radios that SIRIUS is giving away (SIRIUS.com/free). He also brought up this woman Ramona Dell'Abate who may be related to Gary Dell'Abate and they'll have more on that during today's Howard 100 News.
Jon Hein came in and gave his show rundown. He said they'll be talking about Johnny Knoxville's appearance. They'll also be talking about Howard's feeling about his own looks and how he thinks that JD is better looking than him.
Howard asked Jon who he thinks is the best looking guy on the staff. He left Will out of the running since he would win hands down. Jon picked Fred as the best looking guy in there. Howard then wondered why he was asking a dude. He asked Robin what she thinks. She said she'd have to go with Jon and pick Fred as the best looking guy. Howard told her she was fired after hearing that. Robin said she likes his new hair cut.
Robin said that she would probably fuck Fred before Howard as well. Artie asked Robin if she would do him if he was 190 pounds. Robin just laughed. That led to the guys talking about Gary's weight. Gary said he's lost 10 pounds and he knows he's not a good looking guy. Howard took a look at Gary and Fred and tried to think like a woman and pick the better looking guy.
Benjy thinks that he's the best looking guy there but no one agreed with him. Artie said that if he lost his weight, he would be better looking than Benjy. Jon asked Robin to knock Fred out of the mix and pick the next person. She said it would be Howard. Gary asked her who her last pick would be. She said that she would go with Artie after Howard and she'd go with Benjy last. They threw Bubba's name in there and she said that he's not a good looking guy either.
Howard gave Robin an F, Marry, Kill of JD, Bubba and Jason. Robin said she would have to kill Jason, marry JD and fuck Bubba. She said that Bubba can be a fun guy but she's not sure she could take it. She said that JD could be a good companion and would tape all of her TV shows for her.
Howard also played a call the guys made using audio clips of Ronnie the Limo Driver asking a woman to get topless.
Sal told Howard there was a clip from about 3 years ago where he kind of had a revelation and suggested that Richard hook up with Sal. Neither of them were working for the show at the time.
Sal told Howard to play another prank call where they took his mother's voice and made a call to a cab company. They used clips of her complaining about not picking her up one morning that they were supposed to and had her complaining to the woman at the cab company. Howard said that he was listening to those clips and wondering what kind of business his mother ever ran since she was asking about the way they run the business there at SIRIUS.
Sal had Howard play another clip where they called a public access show and had a preacher saying the names 'Pat Ophelia' and 'Dick Bukake.'
Ralph called in and told the guys who he would put on the best looking guy list there. He said that Howard would be number 1 and Sal would come in second. Next would be Artie who he doesn't think is that bad looking. Robin said she was shocked at this list and wondered if he was going by looks alone. Next up for Ralph would be Fred, then Richard, Gary and Benjy in dead last. Ralph said he thinks that JD could come in up there too but he doesn't know how to carry himself very well. Ralph said that he would probably place himself under Benjy in the looks department.
Sal wanted to know how Ralph would list the wives and girlfriends of the staff. Ralph said he'd have to put some thought into that and couldn't give him the list that quick. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Howard said that on Spike TV's 'Blade' show they showed a woman's full naked ass. He wondered who they get away with that stuff. Artie said there are a few shows like Nip/Tuck and Rescue Me who are kind of like HBO these days with the stuff they do. They show ass, curse and do other stuff that's kind of crazy.
Howard said he had to get out of there early because he has a dentist appointment this morning. He's getting his lower teeth changed around.
Ralph called back in with his list of wives/girlfriends. He said it would start with Dana, then Beth O, Benjy's girlfriend Sheila, Mary Dell'Abate and finally Alison Norris. Fred wasn't upset that his wife was last on that list, he was more upset about the man list. Fred said it wasn't that, he was just wondering who Ralph his and why they were paying attention to his lists. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Ben continued on and said that Howard should be investigating to see if someone is out there trying to manipulate the stocks in some say. Howard said that would shut people up if they were threatened with something like that. Ben told Howard he had to get going and that he'd talk to him later. Ben also told Howard he loves him which isn't something we've heard that much.
Artie said that they really should investigate that stuff because it is possible that someone is trying to manipulate the stock market. Howard said he knows nothing about that stuff and he can't even imagine how someone would go about doing something like that.
Howard said that he's very happy there and he can't just leave even if he wanted to. Howard pointed out that John Mainelli was quoting a story from a company that's owned by Clear Channel and Clear Channel is linked to XM according to Fred... So there could be something strange going on there. He just wanted to move on and take a break but Robin was in the middle of a story so he let her finish that.
Howard took a break during the news and when he came back he said that Gary had handed him something interesting about John Mainelli having some kind of radio consulting firm which might mean that there's a conflict of interest with that story he wrote about the rumors that he might be going back to terrestrial radio. He also said that Inside Radio, the people who apparently started that rumor, are saying that he's enjoying all of the publicity he's getting over the story. Gary told Howard that the SIRIUS stock dropped a ''quarter'' yesterday after the news hit. No one was sure if he meant it dropped 25 percent or 25 cents so Gary tried to explain he meant 25 cents which is a quarter but Howard goofed on him for a short time over that.
Howard said his father may be onto something with his thoughts on the reasons that these stories are out there. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told him how her friends are selling SIRIUS radios like crazy. She also said she wrote a letter to John Mainelli and it was her birthday on Sunday and... Howard cut her off because she seemed to be rambling a little too much. He and Artie talked about how good looking she is though.
Howard's father called back in and said that the 25 cents that the stock dropped is a lot. Howard said he realizes that and he knows it's a lot of money. Ben was also talking about how these stories about him were being reported on financial news because it was effecting the stock. He thinks that it's wrong and the SEC should be investigating the whole thing. He said the news shouldn't have been mentioned during financial news because that could effect the stock prices.
Gary told Howard they have another news report from CNBC where a reporter talks about him and he sounds kind of like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The reporter started off the show saying that Howard 'used to be' the biggest name in radio. He was also saying that he could see the angst in Stern when he was making the move to satellite. Howard said he can't bare to listen to this crap because it's such crap. Gary said they're writing these stories like it's the end of the road for SIRIUS and Howard. Howard has only been on the air for 9 months at SIRIUS and it's just the beginning.
Ralph called back in and said he was watching a story about him recently and they were saying that his stardom had burned out and he was no longer the great radio star he was on terrestrial radio.
Bubba called in and told Howard that he can't even think straight with all of this stuff he's hearing. He said that he's also kind of concerned about this race against Robin. He said he couldn't think straight about that or about the railroad job that these news reporters are doing to Howard. Howard said he's always had this crap in his career so it's nothing new.
Bubba said that he's in a no-win situation right now. He said that Robin showed up to her race training in flip-flops and it just shows she knows nothing about racing. Robin said that's the whole point of this race. She knows nothing about racing and she's going to show him that she can beat him. Bubba said that he's going to try and spin her out if he get the chance. Robin said she's going to go out and learn how to race, that lesson she just had was just the first one.
Howard told Bubba he can't wait to see this race. Bubba said with all of this going on they should be able to come up with a firm date and get it over with. Bubba said that the instructors at this class were probably clowning her ass behind her back at the class and there's no way she's going to learn as much as he knows about racing. Robin said ''We'll see...'' Bubba was also saying that he may not even go through with this whole thing because he hasn't had any track time at Pocono.
Bubba was asking for them to make sure that he gets something from Robin if she ends up losing this race. He wants to be able to eat her out as a prize but Robin said she's going to use a hot poker on his ass instead. Bubba thinks that he can make Robin 'squirt' if she would let him do his thing to her. Howard let Bubba go and had Robin finish up her news. He ended the show at around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show trying to keep a positive attitude. Yesterday he spent 2 1/2 hours in the dentist chair. He said he started out trying to get some cosmetic work done on his bottom front teeth. He said a couple of years ago he had the teeth shaved down and caps put on them. Dr. Kauffman put him in the chair yesterday to swap them out for some new ones but it seemed like it was taking all day. There was nothing he could do but lay there though.
Artie said he had a dentist call him a pansy one time when he put his knee on his chest and he kind of told him to back off. Howard said he ran into a guy who claims he went to high school with Artie but Artie didn't recognize the name when Howard told it to him.
Howard said he went out to Long Island to hang out with his daughter yesterday. Then he went to the gym and did some work on his back. He said he was at 189 pounds yesterday and that's really low for him but he's still got a belly. He said he can't believe he's still got the belly being at that low weight. He said he was down really low when he did the Private Parts movie. He said he was walking around dizzy back then.
Howard said he's got temporary teeth in his mouth right now and they feel really strange. He's always had bad teeth even though he tried to take care of them when he was growing up. He should have had braces when he was a kid but he thinks his mother was afraid of letting him get them. He remembers her telling him that she was afraid that they were going to make his teeth loose.
Howard said his mother is an expert on everything. He also said that his daughters had almost perfect teeth as they were growing up but when someone would suggest getting them braces, he'd say that they'd get loose. People would look at him as if he was nuts.
Howard talked about how his mother is afraid of doctors because her mother went into the hospital and died in there. There was never an autopsy done so no one was sure why she died. That fear was passed on to Howard. He said she wouldn't let him get novocaine when he'd go to the dentist as a child so he'd have to suffer through the pain instead.
Artie said he would have loved it if he was told he didn't have to get braces. Howard said he didn't realize he was taking on his mother's fears when he was growing up but now he does. He told another story about hurting his ankle when he was in college and his mother told him that doctors were out to get him and they think they know everything. He got an X-ray done and the doctor told him he was going to be in a cast for 8 weeks. His mother said that putting a cast on was wrong because it doesn't allow the ankle to move correctly. She also thought they were just after money and didn't want to make him better. That made Howard afraid of doctors.
The doctor ended up putting the cast on anyway. He said that his mother to this day thinks that she's loose and not uptight. He has all of these fears that his mother passed along to him. It took him a long time in therapy to get better and start to trust these professionals. He said he has started to understand his fears now though.
Howard said he hears his mother's voice in his head when he goes to doctors and he wonders where that comes from. Robin said that Howard does have a problem with doctors who aren't in the New York area so he's still got issues. He said he would go to a doctor in the tri-state area but not to one out in Kansas or somewhere like that.
That led to the guys talking about Richard Christy's father calling him when he was going to a dentist there in New York and telling him he should watch out for the dentists there because he heard about someone dying. Meanwhile the rest of his family have no teeth. Richard came in and said that he thinks he brushed his teeth a total of 2 times the whole time he was in high school.
Richard told Howard he had a clip of his father's voice mail about the dentist up on the computer. Artie asked Richard if he would have brushed his teeth in school if he wanted to kiss a girl. Richard said he was gross back then so he probably wouldn't. He was also telling the guys that he's been going to the dentist and has had 3 wisdom teeth pulled and has about 10 teeth that needed fillings. He's only brushing his teeth once a day right now. Sometimes he brushes in the morning but usually just rinses with Listerine.
Howard and the guys talked to Richard about his hygiene and goofed on him a little bit about that. Then Fred played the voice mail where Richard's dad tells him to be careful going to the dentist. He advised him to wait until his teeth hurt before going to the dentist. He can say that because he no longer has teeth. Howard and Artie goofed on him even more after listening to that.
Howard brought up the painting of the penises that Richard and Sal did. He said he asked Richard if he washed the paint off in the shower and Richard told him he hasn't showered since then. That grossed the guys out even more. Howard was in the bathroom shaving his chest when he caught a whiff of his ass that really stunk and he can't stand that. Richard said he kind of likes that once in a while. He will shower when he's going to hang out with his girlfriend.
Richard said he used to shower about once a week when he was living in a warehouse down in Florida. He said it was such a pain in the ass that he would hold off for a while. Howard said he can kind of understand that.
Richard said he guesses that he has bad etiquette but Howard corrected him and said it's hygiene, not etiquette.
Howard mentioned that Richard had called into a public access show yesterday so he played the audio from that. Richard called into the show and the host recognized him as Richard Christy from SIRIUS satellite radio. Richard said he was Rusty, not Richard. He talked about the day of the week and what was coming up the rest of the week. Benjy also called in and did some goofy stuff with the host but he just kept mentioning the Stern Show and how much he likes it. Sal also called in and asked how he can chop up a white chick and get away with it. The host eventually told the guys to go fuck themselves. Benjy called back and yelled at them and threatened to fight them. That got the host yelling at him and goofing around with him. They were just having fun going back and forth.
Howard doesn't understand why Ronnie has to be out there so soon. He should be there working today. He also said that Mike Gange and Jason are heading out there to cover it. Gary said that Jason is going to be there to cover the party for the web site. Shuli is going out to cover it for Howard 100 News and Greg from Howard TV will be there to film it.
Gary said that Ross Zapin isn't going out because it's Rosh Hashanah and his wife doesn't want him to go. Howard heard that Yucko is going to be out there as well. Gary said there are a few guys who can't go out there because of the Jewish holiday. Ronnie doesn't have an issue with it though. Gary is going to be there Friday night and Saturday night. Howard 100 News will have live coverage of it over the weekend.
Howard said they're celebrating the first anniversary of the Scores out there in Vegas. Artie said he was at Scores East Side a couple of weeks ago and it was great. Gary talked about going there to do a shoot and how Lonnie will set them up in a specific order when they're filming it for Howard TV. They end up standing outside the club for a long time while they set all of that up. Lonnie will even go as far as to not let a blonde get out of the limo before a brunette.
Artie said he was at Scores one time enjoying his food and checking out the chicks and Mike Gange came over to him and said he had to shoot an opening. That kind of ruined the whole thing.
Artie was yelling at her on purpose to piss her off but her anger was real. Howard tried to talk to Alice about why he thinks she's so angry but after Artie made a comment about her, she went off on him again. She told Artie to get out of Jackie's chair and asked for Jackie to return. She went off on him about the movies that he's made and how he can't make a good one.
Howard reminded Alice that she's in first place right now in this football pool. She's 2-0 right now and no one else has two wins so far. Alice ended up going off on Artie again about his movie and how she would never pay to see anything he's in. She said she hates him that much. Howard told her it's time for her to make her picks but she and Artie were still going back and forth cursing each other out. Alice ended up yelling at Artie that she hates him but Artie was taking it all and making things worse by making comments to her.
Howard told Alice to take it easy on Artie but that made her even worse and she went into this Exorcist-like voice where she told him to go to hell. She said she really hates him and she's never hated anyone like that in her life. She was still in that evil sounding voice and said she wants to chop him up into 400 pieces. She said she even hates Artie's fans.
Howard asked Alice for her picks and she said she likes the Broncos. Gary said something to her and she thought it was still Artie talking so she went off on him. Artie told her that it might be the shittiest pick she could make. She said she knows nothing about football and she's just guessing. She went into that voice of her's again and went off on Artie a little more. She even went off on Howard a little bit. Then she went into this sweet voice and told Robin to be careful when she races Bubba. She doesn't want her to get hurt.
Howard let Alice go and asked her if she had any fun plans this weekend. She said she went and saw the World Trade Center movie recently. Artie told her to go die tomorrow which got her going off on him once again. Artie kept winding her up by making comments about her. She was cursing him out and eventually say ''Bye bye'' to Howard and hung up.
Howard went to Big Foot Mark for his predictions. He said he was having problems with the audio on his phone and he doesn't know what's going on. Howard told him that he's 1-0-1 in the pool at this point. Big Foot is going with the Titans for this weekend. Howard asked him what he's going to do with the money if he wins. He said he's going to find a place to live if he wins that money.
Howard said that Elegant Elliot Offen and Artie are tied for last place right now. He let Elliot get in his plugs first. He had a guy on the phone with him to help him out with the plug. That guy gave the plugs for GangsterTalk.us where you can get all of Elliot's stuff. Elliot rambled on about his DVD and manuscripts and how anyone who orders today gets an 8x10 glossy picture free of charge. Gary noticed that there was a video of Elliot getting his face plunged by this chick on the screen when they brought up the web site image.
Elliot spent a minute talking about that and rambling on about his pick for this week. He was going off on Robin as he does every week. She was asking him to just give his pick for this week. Elliot was screaming at her so Howard asked him to calm down and just give his pick. Elliot is going with the Baltimore Ravens this weekend. Robin asked him to give his lame plugs after that so Howard did that for him.
Artie said that he's taking the Cardinals to win this weekend. His pick only took 5 seconds while everyone else's took minutes. Howard said he doesn't like it when Elliot calls Robin the C-word. Robin doesn't seem to mind it that much though.
Howard mentioned that they had some models coming in from this Bum Luck Models web site. He said they make videos of women going out on the street trying to change bum's luck by giving them lap dances. Howard said he thinks that if the chicks are willing to lap dance homeless guys, they'd probably bang him. Will said that he was going out on the street to try and find some homeless guys to participate. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard said that Steve Langford went after John Mainelli yesterday and Mainelli got pissed off at him when he asked him if he thinks he should tell his readers that he should inform them that he's got a radio consulting firm of his own. Howard played the audio from Langford's report where he asks Mainelli about who he consults. Mainelli refused to answer him about who his clients are.
Mainelli claims that he doesn't consult anyone in New York so Langford points that out in his report. He had another clip where Mainelli tells Langford to be careful where he's going with his comments about his consulting firm questions.
Howard said they went at it a little bit yesterday. Robin said she likes that their news team is going after people like that. Howard said he also heard that John used to be the program director for WOR for a whole month at one time. He said people are calling him and telling him this stuff now. He also found out that he was a consultant for Opie and Anthony when they were working at WNEW. Gary said that he was a consultant for WNEW, not Opie and Anthony directly. Howard told him to do whatever he has to do and to just ignore journalistic integrity. Gary also told Howard that John claims he left WOR for a leave of absence but that was all the details he had.
Howard said he doesn't know what all of these people are talking about with his web site visits going down. He said they've actually gone up 12 percent. He also pointed out that even David Lee Roth lasted 3 months at his job. He said that if these people want to tell stories about him, they should at least be truthful and tell people they own a consulting firm. Howard said it's a pretty major thing to report that he's going back to terrestrial radio because that's like him throwing in the towel.
Ronnie the Limo Driver called in from Las Vegas asking Howard what his problem is. Howard asked him if he was getting word from someone else. It turns out it was the guys in the back calling in with clips of Ronnie asking him what his problem is. Howard was fooled for a short time but he figured it out and did have a short conversation with him. Howard told Robin to have a conversation with him so she asked a question and got a ''fuck you'' out of him.
Sal came in and told this guy Rich that he has to play Gay Oral Chicken on the show if he wants to sit in on the news. He told the guy that he and the guy will get on their knees and they'll have Richard and Benjy walking toward their mouths with their erect penises sticking out. Richard came in and asked Sal what his problem was because he gets nothing out of this game.
Sal had another suggestion where they would all stick sparklers up their asses and the last person to put their ass in water will win. Richard said they get nothing out of this though and he can't see doing it. Sal said he was kind of scaring him by backing out of this whole thing.
The caller had and idea of his own. He said it was 'nut sack sumo wrestling.' He said they would all have their ball sacks out and they would wrestle until they pop their nuts out. Richard said that's another no-win game for them and he has no desire to do that. Sal suggested another game where he would pour milk down Richard's ass into a bowl and the guy would have to eat Applejack cereal out of the milk. Rich was willing to do it but Howard wanted them to do the gay chicken thing.
Howard told Rich that it's gay Chicken or nothing so Rich agreed to do that. Sal said that they're going to try and get this porn star Mandingo to play the gay chicken thing so he won't even have to take a step before his cock is in the guy's mouth.
Gary said he's called the bank about 6 times in the past week and he can't understand a word the people are saying. He said he really can't understand a word the people are saying. He asks them to speak slowly but their answers don't come back quickly. He's not able to get a good answer because they don't understand his situation.
Gary said the people are only equipped to handle what they have in their computers. He wasn't able to stay on the phone all day yesterday so he'll have to try again today. Howard said he's heard that you just keep asking to speak to a supervisor and you will eventually get someone who speaks English.
Cabbie said that he didn't curse on the air or anything, he cursed off the air. Cabbie said that he and Cane got into a fight because the first thing out of Cane's mouth was him bad mouthing the two guests that they were going to have on. He had Larry Flynt and another guy and Cane bad mouthed them. Cabbie said the boxer they were going to have on heard Cane bad mouthing him so he decided to not bother calling in.
Cabbie said that Cane would always bad mouth the guests they used to have when they were on at K-Rock together. He said that the people at Free FM wanted him to have someone to talk to on the air when he did this test show. He had to beg for a month to get Cane in the studio because he had burned some bridges while he was there. Cabbie said that both of the interviews he had set up didn't happen on the show. That's what led to their fight. He was cursing out Cane off the air so he asked the board-op to put them on live so they could fight but the guy refused because he thought he was going to curse.
Howard asked Cabbie what the beef with the show was from Mark Chernoff. Cabbie said he spoke to Tom Chiusano and Tom told him that the board-op thought they were way out of control and they were afraid to put them on the air because they might curse.
Cabbie said that he hasn't been liked by Mark Chernoff since before he even got out of prison. He said that their ratings are awful over there and he had better ratings in his overnight shift than they have in their afternoon ratings now. He said everything happens for a reason and this just didn't work out for him. Howard told him he hopes he can get a job there at SIRIUS.
Howard said they were talking about Cabbie yesterday and they are looking for something there for him. Cabbie said he's gotten some good feedback over there and he's hoping he gets something soon. He said he may have to take a job somewhere else in the country if he can leave the state. He's not sure about his parole rules at this point. He may have to take a job as a cab driver again but he doesn't have a problem with that.
Cabbie let Howard know he loves his sack and also told Artie that he loves him too. He asked Artie how his movie is doing so Artie told him it's rolling out to a few more markets soon. Howard told Cabbie not to worry about Artie, he should worry about himself.
Howard spent a little more time talking about Cabbie and how that job over there probably would have been good for him. He said he's still in touch with Tom Chiusano and they've been talking about having a card game.
Howard goofed on Garver for saying ''Noble prize'' instead of Nobel. He said Garver went to another event where he tried to interview Christina Ricci. Things didn't go so well there. He said that they had a great question of ''What's the difference between autism and retardation?'' and no one seemed to know.
Garver asked Chirstina Ricci some questions about her father and her career. He also asked her to name her favorite Howard Stern moment and her people dragged her away after she said she doesn't listen.
Howard had another clip where Garver tried to interview Elizabeth Perkins. Garver asked her if she would have sex with Howard Stern. She said ''Eww, never...'' Garver then asked her the question about the autism thing and that led to her running off and Garver getting thrown out of the event.
Howard played some audio of Garver being asked to leave. The woman told him that she can't have questions like that being asked at that event. They walked him to another area where he wouldn't be able to question anyone. The woman eventually asked him to leave so Garver left.
Howard had some other interviews that Garver did recently. He went to a Dick Van Dyke roast and got some interviews with people at that event, including Dick himself. Howard played that interview and Garver asked him if he thinks that comedy is too dirty these days. Dick told him that it is too dirty for him these days. He said that all of TV is too much for him other than Jeopardy and the History Channel. Howard said that it's tough for an 81 year old guy these days. Everything is dirty to them. Howard said when he's 81, he'll call into Artie's show and tell him ''You fuckers are too dirty.''
Howard said he can't find any dirty network TV these days so he doesn't know what Dick is talking about. Dick was saying that the reason the Muslim world is mad at us is because of the stuff we have on TV here. Dick was asked about what he thinks about Howard Stern. Dick said he hasn't listened to him since he was first starting out. He said they're not his cup of tea. Garver also asked him if he thinks the Jews should forgive Mel Gibson now. Dick said he does think it's about time because Mel probably didn't mean to say anything negative. He said he lives in the same area as Mel.
Howard said it sounds like Dick needs some dental work. He did his impression of him and goofed on the teeth rattling around in his mouth. Howard said Dick seemed like a nice guy and stuck through the questions. He gets how he didn't think his show was his cup of tea.
Gary Garver got an interview with Dick Martin from the old Laugh-In show. He's apparently in a wheelchair now. Garver asked him if he thinks Saturday Night Live ripped off their show. Dick didn't think that was the case. Garver asked him if he thinks that homosexuality can be cured. Dick found that to be kind of funny and gave him a goofy answer. He was also asked the Mel Gibson question and he gave a joke answer about that.
Garver asked Dick what he thinks about Howard Stern and Dick said he doesn't watch him but he has heard about 3 sentences from his show and it's just not his type of humor. He also said that comedy is too dirty these days. He was bragging that he never did any blue humor back in his day. Howard and the guys goofed on him about that. Howard was going to take a break after that even though he wanted to read some e-mail first.
Artie said that he has the whole gang going to that gig tomorrow night. He has Rev. Bob Levy, Sal, Richard, Shuli and Dan the Song Parody Man going up there. He was telling Howard that he doesn't pay all of the guys the same amount. It depends on how long they last on stage. Sometimes Sal and Richard might bail on their segments because they don't go over that well. Howard went to break after that.
Howard had another Gary Garver interview to play. This one was with Elaine Boosler who got into a fight with Howard years ago. Garver asked Elaine if she thinks other female comedians owe her anything. She said she doesn't so Garver asked her if she remembers the fight she had with Howard. She said she doesn't listen to him and she doesn't remember that fight very well. She ran off after Garver asked her for her favorite moment from the past 20 years.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa said that Shuli is heading out to Vegas to cover the Scores anniversary party. Artie said he spoke to soon earlier when he said Shuli would be at the comedy show this weekend, he forgot that he's going to be out in Vegas.
Lisa said they have another new feature on the news and they will be talking about this day in Howard Stern History from now on. They'll also have a new Steve Grillo movie review. Lisa said they'll also be going to the 'pros' to find out who is the best looking guy in the studio since that's what Howard and the guys did yesterday.
Howard said that he's the worst movie reviewer he's ever heard. Steve was on the phone and thanked him for that. He told him he's really bad at it. Grillo didn't seem to know what to say about that. Howard said he can't blame him for trying because Stuttering John is the announcer for the Tonight Show. He played more of Steve's review and continued to goof on him. He wasn't explaining everything he was talking about in the review so anyone listening wouldn't have any clue about what the joke was.
Grillo kept going on and on and gave the movie a 4 out of 5 potato review. Howard told Grillo to keep it short from now on and not get into so much detail. He said it's nauseating listening to him. He told him how he should do it but Grillo said he would have hated it if he had done it that way.
Howard started to play another review that Grillo did for the movie ''Lucky Number Slevin.'' Howard said they're going to have to keep his reviews under a minute from now on. Howard wasn't going to play the rest of it but Robin wanted to hear it. He continued to play it and we hear Grillo bad mouthing Ben Kingsley saying he's a jerk. Grillo said he didn't have a script because he was told not to write one.
Howard and Gary were asking Grillo to explain why he thinks Ben Kingsley is a dick but he didn't really have an explanation. He said he didn't have to have a reason to think he's a dick, he just thinks he's a dick. He's never met the guy and he just doesn't like him. Howard continued to play the clip but Gary told him to stop for a minute because Steve ends up giving away the end of the movie in the review. He heard that he does that for every movie he reviews.
Howard played a little more of the review and all of the guys were goofing on Steve's delivery. Ralph called in and did his impression of Steve saying that these reviews are great and he loves them. He said they're gold and they should keep doing them. Ralph asked Grillo what happened to his electrician job. Grillo said that just wasn't for him. Howard played more of the Slevin review and Grillo gets into way too many details that don't have anything to do with reviewing the movie.
The guys goofed on Grillo about giving up the electrician job. Grillo said it just wasn't for him. He's doing some other movie work soon. Gary heard it's going to be a 7 month job but he also heard from Grillo that he hates the PA (Personal Assistant) work he does on those movies. Grillo wants to be back on the show with Howard and the guys. They talked about the day when Grillo handed in his resignation to the show and how quickly they replaced him.
Ralph asked Grillo what he left the show to go do. Grillo said he didn't have any health insurance back then and he was only getting paid for 30 hours of work when he was working 50 hours. Grillo wasn't even sure what he was doing for that job.
Gary said he just heard that Grillo is on the verge of being evicted. Grillo said the Marshalls should be there on Thursday to escort him out of the building. Howard told him to go back to the electrician thing and finish that up. Grillo said he hated that and he can't go back now.
Howard asked Grillo if he would get implants if they could get him some money. Grillo said he would do it as long as he didn't have to pay anyone. There was some confusion about the eviction. Steve said that he's married and his wife helps him pay for stuff... but they're both getting kicked out of their apartment. She can come up with her share of the rent but he can't. Steve said they don't want to know all of the details.
Robin told Howard that someone told Steve not to prepare at all for these reviews. That's not what Howard wanted, he wanted him not to be scripted. Howard let Steve go after that because he had to move the show along. Artie was kind of upset that Howard was doing that to someone who gave him a glowing review of his movie. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard also spoke to Tracy who got into the stripping world thanks to her mother. She said her mother supports her in what she does. Neither of the girls have had sex with the homeless guys. They said that they just lap dance the guys and it's more of an R-rated thing than a porno.
Howard asked the girls if they were ready to lap dance the homeless guys they had coming in this morning. The girls were ready to go and didn't seem to have any worries about getting dirty from the guys. Artie asked if they've ever had any issues with guys having shit in their moustaches or anything like that. They said that they haven't had that problem and actually had one guy apologize for smelling so bad.
The girls don't discriminate against anyone and will lap dance for any homeless guy. Howard said they were going to bring in a couple of guys and have the girls lap dance for them. He gave them a plug for their web site. The homeless guys came in and said a quick hello to Howard. He then let them know about what they were going to do. One of the guy wanted to make sure that they were really chicks, and not dudes dressed up like chicks. Howard told the guys he wasn't trying to play any games with them and they were girls.
The homeless guy wondering if they were guys, Jerry, took a look at their panties to make sure they had no penis. They also showed their asses to show there was nothing there other than ass. The girls and Howard assured the homeless guys that they were female. Howard said they were going to hear the homeless guy's life stories and whoever had the saddest story was going to win the lap dance.
Howard spoke to Homeless Mark first. Mark is only 21 years old and was kicked out of the house because of his heroin addiction. He said they took him back for a little while but then he was kicked out again. He said he's going to need another fix around 2 o'clock today since he just had one last night. He had some bad friends that got him into this stuff and he's not happy about it. He said he spends about $120 a day on the drugs. Yesterday he made about $180 just panhandling. Mark said that he lets guys blow him to make money as well and it's really disgusting. He claims he won't blow anyone himself though.
Howard told Mark that Artie is the one guy who is jealous of him right now. Artie told the guy he could get him some drugs that could help him get off the heroin but the guy said he had tried it but his insurance company cut him off. Mark said that the heroin is so good that he gave up his family for it. He also lost his girlfriend over it all. Gary wondered how much it would cost him to get on the drugs that would help him get off this stuff. He said it's like $600 per prescription.
Mark said he last spoke to his parents just yesterday. He said his mother is past the point of asking him to get off the stuff. They want him to get off of it but they've already told him to do it. Howard had the guys give Mark a drink to help him take the edge off.
Howard moved on to Homeless Jerry who said that he was from the Maryland area and moved up to New York after his wife passed away. He ended up getting into some trouble and did some time in prison. He said he was selling some drugs, crack cocaine, and got caught during that. He said it wasn't even a good business. He said he was doing okay for a while but 'what comes around goes around' and he got busted. Jerry said he just wants to get to the bar these days instead of doing drugs.
Howard asked Jerry when he last got laid. He said he got laid on Memorial day. The guy said being homeless isn't that bad and he camps out over on 55th and 5th Ave which is a nice area according to Robin. Jerry said he didn't have a homeless chick but he didn't get to go into anyone's home. He said he did it with her in a hallway. Howard asked Jerry why he doesn't start walking down to Florida now because he could be warm down there. Jerry said he doesn't like those tornados and stuff down there.
Howard said if he was homeless, he'd want to be warm so he would start walking down there in the summer. Jerry said that when you're in the city you have immediate access to certain things like food and money. It works out much better there than it would on the way down there.
Howard spoke to the next guy, Homeless Matthew, and asked him why he's on the street. Matthew said his little brother died a year ago and that set him off and broke him. He wasn't sure how long he had been homeless because he really doesn't give a shit. He said he drinks a lot and was into drugs for a while. He said he sleeps where he wants and showers where he wants. He claims he last had a woman back in July out in Denver, Colorado. He said he's got family out there so he was out visiting. He said he went over to his niece's house in Denver and hooked up with some chick. He was very hard to understand and sounds like the stereotypical homeless guy.
Howard wanted to make sure the girls were okay and not running out of the studio yet. They were fine and weren't running out yet. Howard said that Matthew sounded similar to Scott Ferrall who is one of the guys on Howard 101. Matthew thought he sounded kind of like Wolfman Jack.
Howard gave the guys some drinks to help them out a little bit. Robin had Howard ask Matthew if he would rather have the drink or the lap dance. Matthew wanted the drink. Jerry didn't care but Mark said he wanted the lap dance.
Howard asked the girls which guy they wanted the most. They thought that Mark or Jerry would be the best. Howard asked Robin who she thinks should win. She said it was kind of tough but she was going with number 3 because he lost family members. Howard said he thinks all three deserve it. He said that Mark makes him sad because he's addicted to the drugs so he was going to give his vote to him. Artie said he felt bad for this guy Mark and he was going to give him some of those pills that could help get him off the heroin. Artie was picking him as the winner. Fred said his vote was for number 3 because the girls wanted nothing to do with him. Gary said he was going to go for number 3 as well so he gave his vote to him. That meant that he had won the lap dance.
Howard told Matthew to sit down and get ready for that lap dance. Jerry suggested that they strap him in to make sure he doesn't do anything to the girls. Howard asked one of the girls how big her breasts were. She said they're 34-E. Howard let Matthew have a drink while he got the lap dance. The girls started to lap dance Matthew but they couldn't hear the music that Fred was playing. They weren't getting all that close to him from what the guys were reporting.
Howard said that Matthew appeared to be enjoying himself. Matthew said he was and asked the girls what they were doing after work. The girls were spanking each other after taking their shorts off. Matthew kept saying that he's ''a lesbian in a man's body'' but it didn't seem to matter what he said to them. Matthew was asking the girls if they would be willing to do anything for him. Howard wasn't sure how to end this segment so Artie said they may have to get security in there.
Matthew was asking if he's good looking. The girls said that he has some potential. He said he's been told he looks like Jimi Hendrix. Howard gave the girls another plug for their web site BumLuck.com. He went to commercial break right after that.
Artie said he was getting sick and having cold sweats and stuff like that back then. Artie said he probably shouldn't have said anything and he was ready to walk out of the studio. Howard told him to sit down and get over it. Artie said that this doctor who hooked him up with the drugs really saved his life. He sounded kind of bummed out that he had revealed it.
Howard and Robin told Artie not to be bummed out because no one is listening to the show according to the news. Artie said that some things just aren't for the air. Howard said he was going to reveal something that he's never revealed. He said that now that he's 52, when he pees, he dribbles a little bit. The other day Beth pointed out to him that he had pee stains on his pants... That wasn't cheering Artie up though. He realized that he had lost Artie at that point. Artie said he was fine now but he shouldn't have revealed that stuff on the air.
Artie said he carries those pills with him as a safety net. He didn't give that guy any of the pills because that would be illegal, he was just joking around. He said the drug is actually like a miracle pill because it helps people get back into life. He said he didn't know what to do back then because he was such a mess. He reached out to the doctor that Saturday and thought that he might have to check in somewhere. The doctor was willing to make a house call and check him out at home.
Artie said people were calling him about doing the movie at the time and they were afraid he was backing out of it. Artie said the doctor told him the drug would help him get back into life. The pill works within 20 minutes of putting it under your tongue. Artie said he knows how that 21 year old homeless kid felt because that's the way he felt while he was using the heroin. He said it takes your soul and you can't stop using it.
Artie said that coke is like a social drug while heroin is something you want to do in private. He used to use the coke years ago. Howard said he knew something was up with Artie last year and he was right. He said that's one of the things that led to him and Dana breaking up. Benjy came walking in and asked what was going on since he was out of the studio while this conversation was going on. Howard told him to be quiet and leave it alone.
Howard asked Artie if he wanted to take a break. Artie was silent. Howard told him he's happy he's feeling better. Artie didn't say a word. Howard had to read the rest of a commercial that he had started when they got into this discussion. Robin told Howard that the whole Bum thing was a really bad idea. Howard tried to finish the commercial but wrapped it up quickly so they could take a little bit of a break.
Benjy still didn't know what the story was because no one was giving him any details. Artie said he never thought that he would reveal that stuff to them. He filled Benjy in on the heroin snorting and how his life was saved by this doctor who gave him those pills he was talking about. He said he's been clean since about June 4th of 2005.
Benjy asked Artie if he was gay at all. Howard told him he wasn't gay. Artie was saying that there are guys out on the road that can get him the great drugs and he would even tell them to take $1000 off of his pay to get him some of the good stuff.
Artie said that he's never used a needle in his life, he was just snorting the heroin when he was using it. He said he's heard that snorting it can be even more addictive than shooting up. He was told years ago not to do that stuff because he's got such an addictive personality.
Ralph called in and gave Artie a big 'Wah!' He said he thinks that Artie is actually a good guy for feeling so bad for that kid that was in there. Artie said he lost things in his life because of that addiction and he put his mother though hell over it. She actually set up camp in his apartment and made sure he didn't leave before he went through the detox.
Artie said he was going through the detox and throwing up and stuff for a long time. He said that booze would help him get a little bit of a fix but his mother wouldn't let him drink. Artie said he was feeling like nothing was working so he ended up calling this doctor. He said that if he didn't show up to work that Monday, they were going to pull the plug on the movie. That's when he realized that it was going to be a big nightmare. They were going to sue him over the whole thing if he didn't show up to work on the Stern show.
Howard said he remembers Artie nodding off a few times last year around that time. Artie said he still does that but he may have been a little bit out of it back then. Howard said he would have loved to have been invited to the intervention about this addiction.
Ralph asked Artie about what he would do while on the heroin. He said that you just isolate yourself and you don't do anything productive. He said he would just watch TV and listen to music. He said he likes doing that stuff. He said that the drug lasts about 6 or 7 hours before you start feeling like you need it again.
Artie said that weed makes him feel like he's on acid or something. He said his mother knew that something was going on when she wouldn't hear him on the show. Then he'd take the phone off the hook so he wouldn't have to hear from her.
Artie ended up calling this doctor from a rehab center he had gone to before. He left him a message and told him what was going on. The doctor came over and checked him out. Then he gave him this Subutex drug that helped him get off the stuff. He flipped right around after taking the pill on a Sunday. He was back to work the next day. Now he carries those pills along with him just in case as he feels the need for them. He said the stress of making Beer League last year was really bad. He was also talking about going out on the road and how tough that can be. He's starting to go out on the road again so everyone is worried he's going to fall back into that stuff.
Artie said that anyone who is on heroin should try to go out and get this Subutex stuff. He said it's very expensive but it can help people get back into their life. He said Howard knew something was going on back then and he'd love to hear the discussions from that day he returned to the show.
Artie didn't want to say where he was getting his drugs and how he was going about doing that stuff last year. Ralph was kind of curious but Artie didn't want to go there.
Howard also brought up his pee dribbling story again but Artie was still talking about his addiction and how much he loves his mother, sister and Dana for supporting him through all of that. Dana helped him get through it and he ended up losing her in the long run. Artie said that he ended the whole thing with Dana because he thinks he'll torture her for the rest of her life.
Artie said that he's at a point in his life that he doesn't want to torture anyone. He said that his mother and sister are attached to him no matter what but Dana doesn't have to be tortured. Howard heard that Steve Langford and Penny Crone were fighting for the story. He said he was just kidding though.
Joey Boots called in and said that this is great that he came out with this story. He told Artie that he should stay away from alcohol as well because that's not helping things. Artie said he was off all drugs for many years. Joey said that he's just replacing one drug with another and that's not good. Howard had to let Joey go so he could move on to Mike Walker.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard moved on to Jon Hein who gave his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Artie's revelation and about the homeless guys that were in today. They'll talk about Steve Grillo's movie reviews and about this week's football pool picks and Crazy Alice's new level of anger.
Howard played a Neil Young song where he sings about heroin use. Artie said he's got that one on his iPod. He also has some other songs that are great to listen to while on heroin. Howard suggested that maybe he should do a show where he plays the best songs to listen to while on heroin.
Artie said that if heroin didn't wear off eventually, he's not sure he could tell kids not to do it. That's how good he felt while he was high.
Howard said he has some old tapes of his college radio show that he's going to let them play. He said that it's really awful though. He had Robin start her news after that.
There were more discussions with Artie about his drug addiction. Howard wondered if Artie can name one person who he blames for getting him addicted. Artie said he remembers the guy who gave him his first bit of heroin but he doesn't blame anyone but himself for getting addicted. He said that he remembers getting back on the stuff last year when he was going through the pressure of his movie and all of that. He said there were times when he was on a plane and acting completely incoherent because he would never take the drug onto the plane with him. He said he would do everything he had before leaving the hotel and get completely wasted.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she was shocked by what Artie had revealed. She said that he has so much to give to everyone and he really has to find a way to love his life. Artie thanked her for that and said she's right. Howard cut her off and said that Artie doesn't need that voice in her head right now.
Howard read another e-mail about a guy who bought a BMW and had a $900 SIRIUS radio installed. Another guy wrote in and said that all Tower records are going out of business which kind of upset Howard and Artie.
Howard took a call from a woman from Ford Motor Company who said they were willing to give him a free 2 year lease on a Lincoln Navigator with SIRIUS radio in it. Howard said he wouldn't take it for free but he appreciates the offer. He said he's not going to go with a GM vehicle because they're all about XM so he probably will go with a Ford. He thanked the woman for her call but said he will be paying for the vehicle.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave Artie a 'Wah!' and hung up. Artie tried telling the guy that the joke was already done by Ralph earlier in the show.
King of All Blacks called in and said he loves when Howard talks about cars. He wanted to give him some advice on what to buy so he told him about the Range Rover Sport and the Chevrolet Avalanche. Fred said that's a GM so that's not what Howard is looking for. Fred suggested that he go out and get a Ford F350 if he wants a big truck. Howard hung up on King since he was asking questions about his Audi A8 that he already talked about earlier in the morning.
Howard read some negative mail about Fred during the news. He said that people were kind of upset with him about some comments he made about Steve Irwin's daughter yesterday. Fred said he was just joking around but those people apparently didn't understand that.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard was out today so Jon Hein, Gary Dell'Abate and Ralph Cirella were all filling in for him. Ralph was wide awake according to Jon. He said he didn't sleep at all last night, he just stayed up and awake for the show.
Jon brought up Sal who was on the show recently talking about Robin's feelings toward Howard and used Satan and God comparing Howard and Robin to those two. Jon played a quick clip from that day and spent a minute talking to Sal about all of that.
Jon mentioned some of the stuff they had coming up on the show this morning. They have some classic stuff, some recent stuff and some phone calls from the fans.
Jon played the clip where Howard introduced the porno star and then spoke to Richard who was there to try and win the 'date.'
After the clip the guys talked about how Richard sounded that day. Ralph thought he sounded kind of gay back then. Richard said he was very drunk that day and he wasn't even looking to win the date with that chick. He just wanted to get on the show. Richard said the highlight of that day was meeting KC who turned out to be really cool.
Richard said he met Gary, Scott the Engineer and hung out with Jim Florentine out there. It was pretty exciting for him back then. Gary said that it was funny hearing that show because they were still able to say 'anal.' A year later they weren't even allowed to say that word on the air.
Jon said that they have to find Ralph's first appearance on the show since they've played Gary's first and now Richard's first. Richard said he thought they had Ralph's first appearance and played a gay porn clip.
The guys talked about that clip and said that the movie is worth seeing if you haven't seen it already. Richard said he loves bits like that because it's funny to hear a guy singing on a cassette like that guy did.
While they were talking about that bit Will came in and told the guys that Ronnie the Limo Driver was on the phone from out in Las Vegas. They could barely hear him though. Ronnie said there was a chick in the office with him who was cumming on the chair. He put her on the phone so Gary asked her what she was up to. She said that she was playing with herself on the chair. Some of the other girls were yelling in the background.
The guys had her put Ronnie back on the phone. He was talking about one of the girls having a hot looking pussy. Then Ralph and Will went after Ronnie about him leaving early this week and the problems it caused up there. Ralph said Howard had problems getting out of the building because he wasn't there. Then Will said they had issues with the homeless guys they brought up there yesterday and they're blaming him for those problems.
Ronnie just wanted to introduce the girls he had in the room with him and skip over the problems he caused up there. Jon asked Ronnie what he did yesterday out there. Ronnie said he worked out, had some food and some drinks. Then he went to the hotel and showered. He said 'we' at first but then said that he showered alone.
Ronnie said he had two strippers by the name of Stephanie there. He described then and then wanted to put them on the phone. Gary asked one of the girls to put Ronnie back on the phone because they had to keep the show moving. He asked him to give them an update about this pool party they had coming up for Scores. He said they're going to have 200 girls pool side. Jon and Gary wrapped up the call after that.
Gary said he and Ronnie have been doing these Scores appearances for about a year now and Ronnie always gets there first. By the time Gary gets there, Ronnie will probably be all quiet because he'll be all hung over from drinking. Jon said that the last time they went to Scores it was down in Baltimore. He had an audio clip from the day Howard talked about Ronnie and Gary going to that grand opening of the club. Howard was pissed that the sound quality was so bad and ended up going off on everyone for having too much fun down there.
Sal asked Gary if he's bringing a recorder with him this time when he goes to Scores. Gary said he's not because the Howard TV guys are covering the event. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about the Scores trips and how Howard wouldn't be so upset if they brought back some good material when they do appearances like that. Gary said there's really nothing he can do. He said the Howard TV guys say they're going to cover it and there's not much he can do if they don't record it that well.
Richard suggested that Gary carry a recorder with him at all times while on a trip like that because he could get stuck next to a retard on the flight out there and he could bring back audio of something like that. Gary sarcastically said that he should carry one 24 hours a day. Jon had to wrap up and go to break after that.
Jon wondered if they would ever do those birthday shows again. Gary said they were cool when they first started out but these days it's tough to make them so big.
Jon brought up a show where Young MC wrote a song for the show to the tune of his own song 'Bust a Move.' Gary explained how Young MC got on the show after thanking them on his album because he was such a fan of the show. Jon then played the song that he performed at that birthday show.
Gary said that Young MC is a very clever writer but he also knew the show very well so that's why his song worked so well. He made a reference to Fred as 'shovel boy' in the song and no one would know what that meant unless they were fans of the show. Fred used to carry a shovel in his trunk and didn't have much of an explanation for it back then.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he feels that Howard is getting a little lazy on the show these days and he used to be the one making phony phone calls. Now it seems like he's the one waiting for everyone else to do the work yet he yells at them for not doing their jobs.
Gary said that Howard sued to do some prank calls himself but they weren't doing them every day like Richard and Sal do. Sal said that they try to create at least one or two bits a day for the show and they feel pressure from themselves to make that happen.
Jon and the guys talked about that clip for a short time. Gary said he remembered a guy who was kind of like that and working for the college radio station at the college he went to. Jon had to take them to another commercial break a short time later.
Gary said that yesterday he came very close to crying when Artie was talking about the drug addiction. He said he was really freaking him out talking about the drug thing. He wanted to call him and talk to him yesterday but he's got his phone number blocked and Artie doesn't take blocked number calls. The guys all said they went and tried to talk to him but Artie was acting like everything was fine. Sal is doing a show with Artie this weekend so he'll be taping everything to play next week.
After playing that clip the guys were talking about the best parts of that segment and how Artie was more worried about the bets he had on games than anything else. Jon also took a phone call from a woman who said that she was really upset about Artie's revelation yesterday and that clip they just played is making it worse.
Gary said that Artie really needs to go see somebody and get stuff off his chest. He's not sure why he doesn't go and do that. The guys said that Artie could probably get his shit together if he did get into therapy.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked if they're going to air yesterday's compelling show on Howard TV. Gary said that's a good question but it was such an intimate and private thing that they may not put it up. Gary said that Scott DePace didn't have the heart to zoom in on Artie while he was close to crying so they may not have that stuff. Ralph said they did iso Artie and got a close up of him but didn't put it on the monitor for Artie to see. The guys said that it was kind of heart breaking to see all of that going on yesterday.
After the clip Jon and the guys talked about how wrong that game is. Gary also talked about the prize they had to give away which was an Aiwa walkman. He said they were really crappy prizes back then. Jon had to go to another break after that.
Jon asked Gary why Jackie was laughing so hard during that clip. Gary said he was drunk and he was also laughing at Stuttering John because Jakob told him he looked retarded. Gary said John was standing behind the couch and his beer was spilling down Jakob's back while he was talking to him. He said the whole thing was more brutal than he remembered.
Jon played another clip where Robin said she was going to throw up but Benjy went over toward her and ended up puking on her instead. The guys talked about that moment and Ralph said he couldn't listen to it because he might puke just hearing it.
Ralph brought up Joe Piscopo again and said he remembered Joe used to do a Frank Sinatra bit on Saturday Night Live. That got him thinking about a bit they did on the Stern Show years ago where they had Frank singing songs as if he had forgotten the lyrics and made up new lyrics for the songs.
They played that bit and got some laughs out of that. Gary said that bit really held up well over the years. Gary thought it was brilliantly written and produced. Fred did that and Billy did the voice of Frank Sinatra.
Jon said that had to be one of Artie's best appearances on the show with a guest. He had a lot of great lines in that clip. The guys were also talking about how effeminate Yaqi sounded in the clip. Gary said he sounds kind of like the guy who did the Bijou gay theater listings. He had pulled a clip where Howard called that place and the guy sounded very similar to Yaqi. Jon said they actually played that clip during the Labor Day Weekend Countdown.
Jon took some phone calls and one guy asked what happened to that guy. Gary said he thinks that Yaqi stopped coming on after he did his 'final appearance' when he claimed to be dying. He said the guy didn't actually die so they may have to do a 'Whatever Happened To...' for Yaqi. Jon went to another break after that.
After playing the clip Gary said that was Steve's first visit and he always does stuff as a surprise on the show because he likes to shock people.
Jon played a quick clip from when Hulk Hogan and his daughter were on and talking about how Hulk had to smack Don Vito after he asked to touch Brooke's boobs. Then he played another Jackass clip where Johnny Knoxville took a lie detector test about the rumors of him banging Jessica Simpson.
After playing the clip the guys talked about Ed Torian the lie detector guy and his very distinctive voice. Jon had to go to another break right after that. They played a clip of Richard Christy playing drums on a chick's ass the same day that Johnny Knoxville was on, as they were going to break.
Jon moved on to play a clip where Howard and the guys were talking about the gay shit that Richard comes up with in the weekly creative meetings. After playing that clip they went into some audio from the weekly creative meeting where Richard made some suggestions for JD to go out and try to get some women's numbers while they taped it. Everyone in the meeting had other ideas for the bit.
Jon said those were the brilliant ideas of Richard's. Richard didn't go gay during that meeting, he was trying to help JD get laid. Ralph said he put together a montage of the gay stuff that Richard has brought up in the meetings. In one clip he talked about putting a pole in a guy's ass. Richard then talked about pulling his pants down in another meeting. Richard also suggested having Screech (Dustin Diamond) show his shlong on the show. Ralph said he loves when that stuff comes up in those meetings.
Gary said that JD has been awake for about the past 36 hours because he went on a date with a chick yesterday. Gary asked him what he did on that date. JD said he went out to a bar but he wasn't sure how much information he could give out. Gary told him to go ahead so he told them that he went to some guy's apartment and this chick wanted to watch some scat videos. There were a bunch of people there so they were all watching it.
JD said he didn't know what the hell he was doing there and didn't stay long. No one was getting naked either. He said he wasn't really interested in getting anything from her anyway. Richard said JD was more into the other chick that was there. JD said he's heading home right after the show today because he needs to get some sleep.
JD said that this one chick, Ashley Blue, said she would have made out with him if she was single. He was making out with the other chick but she as also biting his neck.
Gary said he was sorry that he spent 6 hours with a porn star but didn't get anything off of her. JD said he was sorry too and walked out after giving them the finger.
Gary said that it was moderately amusing because the guy on the phone had never heard the joke before. Ralph gave it a big zero score. Richard said that he and Sal are running out of rejected bits so that's one that was scraping the bottom of the barrel. Ralph said they should skip this segment next week then. Sal didn't seem to like hearing that.
Sal had the next clip which was supposed to be a secret recording of JD at the screening of Superman. He was talking about Howard chewing loudly during the movie and making rude comments about him during the movie. After playing that the guys said they liked the concept but the jokes were a little brutal. Sal took them a little too far according to the guys.
Gary said some of the jokes were good but they kept going down one road with them. Jon took some phone calls to get some fan feedback about the bits they had played. One caller, who wanted to talk about Artie's heroin addiction, got hung up on. The next caller said he didn't like the first bit but the second one could have been okay if they had done it a little different. Another caller thought the Gary the Retard call was great. He started to ramble a little bit so Jon hung up on him too.
Gary said that Richard and Sal have to find some better rejected bits than those two. They said they both really liked the JD bit and think that it's still good.
Ralph said that must have really irked Howard because it came back to him and up on the air that day. Gary said that's the kind of stuff you're always worried about when you say anything in front of Howard. Jon said that he thinks that means that Howard is showing love for you when he comments on you the way he did. Ralph said he's not so sure about that. Jon said that might not mean the same thing to him.
Jon took a call from a woman who wanted to comment on the Young MC song that they played earlier. She said that she had something that rhymed with his last name and that was ''Dell'A Hot-A.'' Jon wrapped up the show after that and asked the guys what they'll be doing this weekend. Gary is heading out to Vegas, Sal and Richard are doing a comedy show with Artie and Ralph will be home watching 'The Rockford Files' on DVD. Jon ended the show by about 9:57am.
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