|Friday||This Week On E!|
Howard started off the show saying hello to Artie who returned to the show after missing a couple of days last week. Howard said he'd like to be like Artie and do whatever he feels like doing. Artie said he worked until 3am both of those days he missed last week. Howard said he thinks they're going to blow them out of there before December so they may as well take some time off. He just has that feeling that they'll be gone before then, he doesn't have a confirmation on that.
Artie told Howard that they were out shooting really late last week and this past weekend to finish up the movie he's shooting. He said the replay of his meltdown last week was the talk of the town over at the movie set. He told Howard that they sure know how to capitalize on something and really took advantage of that. Howard changed subjects and said that he was up extra early this morning. He gets waken up by having to go pee sometimes. He got back to the discussion about being blown out of there early for a few seconds and then asked Robin how her weekend was. She told him she got some exercise and hung out. Howard asked her if she's been doing anymore work on her TV show. Robin said nothing else is going on with that right now. Howard said he's had people wonder why he's not threatened by her TV show. He doesn't see it as a bad thing though. He figures it can be good for the radio show for her to be out there in the public eye promoting that for them.
On Friday night Howard went to a premiere of a movie that Natasha Richardson is in. He said it was a great movie and he thinks Robin would like it. The movie is called ''Asylum.'' He explained the story to Robin and told her that it was really good. He said it's a thriller and it'll keep you on the edge of your seat. He was kind of surprised that Natasha wasn't at the screening. He's hoping the movie company gets behind the movie and pushes it so it gets some notice. That discussion led to Howard talking to ARtie about his movie and his management. Howard told Artie that they got a call from the director of this other movie that he was offered and they were told that they would work around Artie's schedule. Artie said that the shoot would take place over the course of 3 weeks though. Howard went on to tell Artie that his management should be taking care of scheduling stuff like that so he doesn't have to worry about it himself. Artie told him that the work is spread out through the month though and it wouldn't be 4 days in a row or anything like that. Howard said that his management should be finding that stuff out before asking for him to take a month off from the show.
Artie said he usually blames himself for stuff like this but Howard doesn't think he should. Howard talked about his agent takes care of that kind of stuff for him. He also works for Robin and takes care of that stuff for her. Artie told Howard that he went to lunch with this director who wants him. The movie came up kind of quick and he just found out about it recently. He's decided not to do the film though. He figured that he'd have to take a full week off of the show and he's thinking that he doesn't want to do that. He said he'd probably be away from the show for at least 6 or 7 days and he really doesn't want to do that right now since he's taken so much time off recently.
Artie told Howard he's right about the ''gambler mentality'' stuff that he was talking about last week. That's why he keeps taking all of these chances with TV shows and movies and was thinking that he might take a sitcom sometime. Artie said his whole career was a gamble and there may come a day when he wants to do that again. He said he's not doing that now and he didn't want to give anyone that impression last week. Artie said that it may come some day but he'd give them notice like 3 months ahead of time. He said he's not going to walk off the show some day with no notice. Artie was also telling Howard and Robin that he's being weaned off the Depikote that he's been taking for a couple of months now. He said he's had a lot of stuff going on lately and that's why he's been under so much pressure. Howard said he's upset that he's not going to Yankee games with all of this stuff going on. That led to the guys talking about the Yankees and the Mets. Gary came in to tell the guys about the Mets and how they're in last place right now. They were talking about the Japanese players that the Mets have put on the team and Howard said he doesn't understand that. Artie mentioned that one of the player's heads is pretty big and that led to Howard saying that Bill Maher has a big head as well. He saw him on a ''comedy'' special over the weekend and he was distracted by Maher's sweat stains and how distracting that was. He also said that Maher wasn't funny in the special. He said he doesn't have anything against Maher but he was doing too much political stuff in his act. He does like his new book though.
Artie told Howard about a scene they shot over the weekend where he and this chick were supposed to be smoking pot in bed together. He said he had a look on his face like he was really happy while wearing his guinea t-shirt. He said that the actress must have had a look on her face like any woman would have looking at him in a guinea t-shirt so when the director yelled action, he had to say that they were supposed to be smoking pot and they were supposed to be two people who ''like each other.'' Howard told a story about ''Son of the Beach'' and how they couldn't get anyone to kiss Tim Stack on the show so they had to find a girl who they paid to kiss him for a scene. They had to pay her $100 just to kiss the guy and she said ''no tongue.''
Robin asked Artie if he finished up his love scenes for the movie. Artie said they did finish that up and said that he started to get a semi-boner during the love scenes. Howard said he had a boner when he was shooting his movie and he thinks that Mary McCormack could feel it. He said he would get blue balls every day he shot love scenes with her because he was so worked up. Artie said that their film will probably be rated R because they're going to have some ''cans'' in the movie. Howard said they wanted to give his movie an X rating because of the nude scenes they had in the movie. Artie said a lot of people have been calling him a ''baby gorilla'' lately because of the Don Rickles discussions they've had over the past couple of weeks. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard took a call from Dave who told Artie that he knows gamblers and he figures that if he takes a chance on a sitcom, it's like blowing all of your money on one thing. Artie told Dave that he doesn't have any plans to do anything right now and if he does, he'll try and make sure that it's the right move. Dave also thought that Artie was drinking again but Artie said he hasn't started drinking, he's still on the wagon. Last week he said he will start drinking again in the future though.
Another caller sang a song to Artie and asked him not to leave. Bobo also called in and said it was good to have him back on the show. Robin asked Artie about what he said about some of the sitcoms he could have done and wondered if any of them made it to the air. Artie said a couple of them are actually on the air. One of them was John Stamos' show that's on the air right now. He said that it's the lifestyle that really entices him to do them and that's what he was looking at. Artie said he also turned down ''Still Standing'' a few years ago and that show is doing pretty good on CBS. Robin said that they could have done the show here in New York but he said it's shooting out in California. Artie said that he was on this great radio show and didn't want to do the sitcom thing back then. Robin was surprised that he'd want to do something like that for money but Artie told her it's the relaxed lifestyle, not just the money.
Another caller told Artie not to let Howard throw him under the bus like he did last week. Howard didn't get that because he wasn't busting his balls at all. Howard said that Artie didn't show up for work and he wasn't busting anyone's balls. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Artie if he believes that all of the exposure that he got is because of Howard. Artie said that he's been getting work since the mid-90s but he does know that Howard's show has helped him out. Mariann was telling Artie that she was turned off by what he was saying about the money he was offered to work at SIRIUS and how it was less than what he got paid to do the Norm Show. She said it was a big turn off and a lot of fans probably feel the same way. Howard let her got and took another call from a guy who was upset that he went to see a movie that Howard promoted and the movie ended up sucking. Howard told the guy that it was an advertisement, not an endorsement.
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy recommended a new prescription drug that Artie could try to keep him stable. Artie was saying that he's finished up the movie now and that's a big weight off his shoulders. His meltdown last week probably had something to do with the pressure of the movie. Howard figures it's the pressure of the movie and the fact that ARtie is crazy.
Eric told Howard there are some other shows that he doesn't want to be part of. He said there are some new shows like ''My Name is Earl'' that he doesn't want to be on because it ''looks stupid.'' Howard wondered if Eric would take a part on ''Will and Grace'' if he could date Grace. Eric said ''I don't know.'' Howard wondered if he would be on ''Smallville.'' Eric doesn't like that show and doesn't want to be on that one either. Howard wondered if he'd play Grace's tampon on ''Will and Grace.'' Of course he said ''no'' again. Eric said he doesn't like those gay shows. He told Robin that his aunt had a husband who went gay on her and left her. Howard asked him if he would do a part on ''Joey.'' Eric said that was one of the shows on his list so he would do that. Howard said he knows some guys over there so he might be able to make that happen. Howard wondered if he would do a daytime talk show like ''The View'' and do something for them. Eric thought he'd have to be a woman to do that show. Howard told Eric that what he's going to do is talk to the head of show business and see what he can do to get him some work. Eric told Howard that there are some handicapped people who are on hit shows like ''Las Vegas'' and ''CSI'' so there could be a part for him somewhere. Howard told Eric he had to go but he continued to goof around with the guy talking about how the people at ''Smallville'' contacted him and said that they wanted him to play ''Prune Man'' on the show. He let Eric go a short time after that. Artie said he should have thought about Eric for his movie ''Beer League.'' He thought about doing a sequel where they could have Eric play a gay guy who doesn't know that everyone thinks he's gay. They could call the movie ''Queer League.''
Howard said that Artie invited him to his movie wrap party but he can't make it because he's going to be out of town that night. That led to the guys asking Artie about his shrink and if he's still seeing him. Artie said that he did talk to his shrink last week but he hasn't been going to the office. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard had the guys bring comedian John Ross in after that. He worked with Gary when he used to appear on Hollywood Squares. John was a writer for the show and also wrote for the Siegfried and Roy animated show. John got to go to their house a couple of times and he said it was a freak show. John said that they were great guys though. They were actually halfway through with their animated show when Roy was attacked by one of their tigers. John thought that they were done after that but the show went on. Howard said the show really wasn't funny because you expect those guys to be flaming homos on the show. John said that they thought it would be funny to make one of them a woman chaser. John was explaining some of the jokes they did for the show but they seemed to be going right over Howard's head and he wasn't laughing. Howard told John to tell the stories about Gary working on Hollywood Squares. Howard wondered why they didn't get someone like Artie instead of Gary. John said that's what he was wondering too. John went on to explain how they would try and book really famous celebrities to do the show and that just never happened. Then they'd end up getting people like Gary to do the show. John said they were getting pretty low on the list of celebrities who didn't want to do the show. Artie said he did the show years ago when he was on the Norm show but didn't want to do it again.
John said that he would write jokes for Gary to use on the show but they'd throw those jokes away and use really dopey ones that had references to ''baba'' in them. John said the problem was that no one would pick Gary as a square because they found his last name hard to pronounce. John told Howard some other stories about people like Rodney Dangerfield and about Dom Deluise. Gary once told a story about how Dom was so big he wasn't able to move around all of the squares. John said that they would just put up a sheet in front of his square and change his clothes behind the sheet. Gary came in and said that he heard that someone got mad when he told that story on the air originally. Gary also talked about how Rodney Dangerfield was walking around in his underwear on the set of the show. They never showed any of that stuff on the show and Howard wondered why. John said that they weren't comedy producers so they didn't know what to put on the air.
Howard said he loved hearing the stories that Gary would tell when he'd come back from shooting some of those shows. Gary said that he could see things going down hill over the times he was on the show. They used to have great food when he first started doing them and by the end of it, they hardly had anything.
John said that he's working on an HBO show that comedian Louis CK is doing. He's also in the movie ''The Aristocrats'' that's out now. The movie came out this weekend and made over $200,000 in just 4 theaters. John told Howard how great it was to get on his show. He was comparing his show to Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show. He said he felt the same way about Howard when he announced he was going to satellite radio as he did to Johnny announcing his retirement. He was glad he got on the show. He told Howard a few more stories about his work on Hollywood Squares before Howard wrapped up the interview. He wished him luck with the movie and the TV show that he's working on. You can get more info about The Aristocrats movie at TheAristocrats.com
Howard brought up Donald Trump and his girlfriend Melania. He said he's surprised that Donald married a woman with an accent because he was so annoyed with Ivanna's accent by the time he divorced her. Howard went on to play a clip from ''The View'' where Melania was being asked some questions and her accent was really heavy. Howard thought it was funny that Donald married her.
The movie ''Asylum'' came up again and Howard talked about how great he thought it was. He also played a clip from the movie ''Thief'' where James Caan wants to adopt a kid and tells the adoption agent that he'll take anything, ''a black kid, a chink... anything.'' They were talking about that clip last week and Howard finally got a copy today. He also had a prank call that Daniel Carver made to the gay channel over at SIRIUS. At first Daniel was being too nice so the guys had him call back and go off on them like he would usually do. When he called back he went off on them wishing that they would die a slow painful death thanks to AIDS. Howard played another Daniel Carver bit they did where they had an internet relay operator reading off what Daniel was saying.
After that Howard played one of the Heidi Cortez (Jesse Demoaner) audio clips where she's describing a scene and asking a guy to do stuff to her. Howard then played a remake of that clip where they had Wendy the Retard reading the same lines and moaning like a retard. The guys got some laughs from that. Artie said the problem with her reading is that she doesn't change her tone through the reading.
Howard had a clip of Rush Limbaugh talking about drug users and going on and on about not having any compassion for anyone who takes drugs. That all happened before he was using prescription drugs. Howard doesn't know what Rush's stance is these days after his addiction.
Howard said that he went to see this movie premiere over the weekend and the guy who threw it had the car company Saturn sponsor it. He said the food they served was pretty bad. He said he was starving and ate the lobster he got even though it was kind of mealy. Howard had to take a break a short time later.
After a commercial break Artie came back in with a ''satchel full'' of food from the Mangia restaurant he goes to during the break. Artie said it was roasted pork and showed it to Howard. Howard said it didn't look like as much food as he thought it was. The meal is just a hold-over snack before he goes out to eat his ''real'' lunch later on. He said he might hook up with Dana who is in the city today working.
During the news Howard told Robin that he met James Lipton from Inside the Actors Studio recently. Lipton apparently told Howard that he knows Robin very well because they used to keep their horses at the same stable. Lipton was telling Howard that he and Robin share the same passion for horses but Howard told him that he's pretty sure that only he has the passion for horses, not Robin. Howard wrapped up the show a few minutes later, around 10:20am.
Howard started off the morning getting the day wrong. He thought it was Monday for a few seconds. He said he was up really early this morning so he watched ''Godfather III'' again and thought he'd give it a chance since he thought it might not be the movie that sucked, it may have just been him. The guys talked about how awful the movie really was and how some things just didn't make sense in the movie. They mentioned some of the people who appeared in the movie and how bad they were as well.
Robin said she went to see ''Wedding Crashers'' and thought it was great. She gave a shout out to Steve Farber and Bob Fisher who wrote the movie because she liked it so much. She told Howard how funny Vince Vaughn was in the movie. Howard took some phone calls after that. Bong Hit Bill called in but the phone connection was horrible and he was ready to hang up on him. He ended up hanging up on him because it sounded so bad and his monotone wasn't helping out any either. Howard said the best thing to do when you call in is get your thought out quickly and clearly.
Gary came in and asked if anyone in the studio had left money to any of the other guys in the studio. Howard said he has. Artie figured he's not one of the guys who's going to get in anyone's will. That eventually led to the guys talking to Artie about his movie which only cost $2.5 million to produce. Artie said it was one of those movies where they could only afford one take. The caller also thanked Artie because it was because of him that he tried cocaine and liked it. Howard let that guy go after that and took another phone call. The next caller said he saw Rob Zombie's wife in ''The Devil's Rejects'' and she was hot. He told Howard to have her on the show but he didn't know that she had just been on recently. Howard and Robin were talking about whether or not Rob Zombie was a good looking guy. Robin thought that he wasn't that good looking and said that Fred is actually better looking than Rob.
The caller chanced subjects and asked Howard what kind of numbers the TV show ''Rock Star: INXS'' is getting. Howard said he's read that it gets horrible ratings but Vinnie Favale from CBS tells him it's doing just fine. The guys talked about how hard it is to watch that show with Brook Burke hosting it. There were some other complaints about the show like the fact that INXS isn't really cool anymore. Howard thought it would have been better if they had gotten a band like Van Halen or someone like that to find a singer for. Howard said he still likes watching that show even as bad as it is. Robin told Howard she heard that Sammy Hagar is back to hating Eddie Van Halen again. They were supposed to have gotten back together but after they spent some time in the same room, they must have realized how much they hated each other.
A listener called in and told Howard that he did a prank call to another radio show and got the guy to curse him out on the air and ended up winning some money from a friend because he got the guy to call him a bunch of names. The guy thought that he couldn't play the clip on the air but Howard told him that he could play it if it was on the air. The caller played it for him and Howard thought the radio show sounded kind of like his own show. The host told this guy to go pay for radio if he likes Howard Stern. The caller told Howard he has a game to play when they move to satellite and it had something to do with smoking a bong. Howard didn't seem interested so he let him go.
Howard said that the article he was reading was from the Sun Times but it was information from InsideRadio.com. He thought that if the company is letting him go early, they should take a couple of weeks off in August so they don't lose those vacation days. If they do that though, they may be sitting there around Christmas if the company holds on to them.
Howard took a call from a guy who called himself ''Artie'' and said that he has been making prank calls as ''Artie from New Jersey'' and wanted to play some of the calls for Howard. Howard had to take a break first.
Howard had a prank call that Sal made to SIRIUS but he ended up playing one of Sal's rap songs from when he was in his teens. Sal came in and asked Fred to never play those songs again. He was begging him not to do that again. Howard then played the prank call that they made to G. Gordon Liddy's SIRIUS radio show using audio clips of Crackhead Bob. Sal was playing the part of ''Schlomo'' and telling Liddy that his brother had suffered brain damage after being captured by Al Queda. The guys were also talking about Crackhead Bob and why he won't come on the show anymore. He wanted to have a normal life with his family so he had to stop coming on the show.
Howard said he got a raincoat for his dog from this woman who is opening a pet boutique down in Florida. He said the name of the place is Pawticulars Pet Boutique. He thanked the woman for sending him the raincoat.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who said he thinks Howard is going to be marrying Beth this year after hearing Mike Walker mention something about someone with the initials ''H.S.'' possibly getting married later this september. That led to Howard talking about how much he loves Beth and how she made a great meal for him last night. He told Robin that he's going to cook for her some day but he doesn't want to screw it up because he knows he'll never hear the end of it. He was talking about going to bed last night and how Beth had some new panties that she got at Victoria's Secret. He mentioned that and then asked Artie if he ever sleeps with Dana when she's on her period. Artie said he has done it but he doesn't like to do it during that time. Howard said he's done it and he'll only skip about 2 days and then he'll get right back in the saddle again. Artie said he tries to avoid it when it's going on. Robin said she doesn't have that anymore so it's not an issue for her. They were talking about menopause and the delay was hit at least one time. She was apparently talking about being a bit ''dry'' down there since the menopause thing. She has to keep a bottle of lube around.
Sal came in and asked Howard a question about doing Beth while she's on her period. Delay hit. Howard said he has done that and came out looking like a clown. Fred was also saying that he doesn't care about the period thing. He said he'll do it as long as the woman doesn't have a limb hanging off or anything like that. Sal was saying that he's always freaked out when he goes into the bathroom and looks down to see the mess down there. Howard told him to not look if he's that freaked out by it.
Howard got back to the mail and read one about Eric the Midget. The writer said he loves when Eric is on the phone but they should try to get him a better phone. Howard said it's not his phone that's the problem, it's Eric's voice. There was another e-mailer that said they don't want Eric on the air ever again. Howard talked about yesterday's show when Eric called in and gave them a list of shows that he'd like to be on. That lead to the guys goofing on Eric later on in the morning. Sal the Stockbroker called Eric as a movie producer from Dreamworks studios. He told Eric that they're casting for a remake of ''The Wizard of Oz.'' He had him trying to sing ''We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild...'' Eric was singing and Sal jerked him around a little having him singing just about the whole song. Sal then told Eric he was going to pass his number along to some of the others there at Dreamworks... and then told him to pull down his pants and tell him his ''size'' while he was shivering and breathing heavy. Eric actually hung in there and played along for a while but eventually hung up on him.
There were some e-mails about Artie that Howard read. Someone gave Artie two words ''Andy Richter.'' The writer told him that he should stick to the show and stay off the booze. Others had some words for him as well. People think that he should stay there but Artie claims he never said he was going anywhere. The e-mailers were pretty brutal with the name calling. Someone else said that Howard should leave the cameras out of the studio because the show has been great since the E! cameras left. Artie said it doesn't feel different to him.
Howard read one article about Raphael Palmero who is claiming he never took steroids even though he tested positive. They spent some time on that and then talked about another teacher, Sandra ''Beth'' Geisel, who apparently had sex with about 4 students. Howard thought she looked pretty good but Artie didn't think she was that hot.
A listener called in and asked Howard about what he and Jackie the Joke Man e-mailed each other about (from yesterday). Howard told the guy he and Jackie talked about the house he owns down by the water out on Long Island. He said Jackie isn't coming back on the show. He may go hang out with Jackie at his place sometime but they didn't even talk about the show in their e-mails back and forth.
Another caller asked Howard what he means when he talks about how tough it is for a gay person to live in today's world. Howard talked about how though it is to deal with parents who might not accept the behavior and the way other people treat them. The caller said that he is gay and his life is tough but it's not a nightmare like Howard says it is. Howard told the guy that it's just a more difficult route for that lifestyle. He said the real nightmare is that gay guys have to sleep with other guys. That's the worst according to him.
Kevin said that if any of the women who come in look good enough, they'll bring her to Chicago, take some pictures and then send them to Hugh Hefner to review. Howard wondered how many girls actually end up getting into the magazine. Kevin said they sometimes see 1,000 to 1,200 women a month and they only pick one to be a Playmate. Kevin said they are usually looking for a Playmate but they sometimes find someone who looks okay and they have to take another shoot to figure it out. Today was going to be pretty brutal because they had to be honest with the girls about whether or no they'd be good for Playboy. Kevin said that it's always tough for the girls because they're always nervous so it's a great neutralizer. Kevin was talking about how great Jillian Grace was in front of the camera and what a natural she was for the magazine. Howard wondered if Kevin ever finds women while he's out at a restaurant or something like that. Kevin said he used to do that a long time ago when he was starting out. These days he doesn't bother because the women don't usually believe him.
Howard said they have a bunch of women there today who have tried to get on the show and they looked at them and thought they might be ''contenders'' to get into the magazine. They brought in the first woman, Celine, and Howard thought she was good looking. Robin wondered what the age cutoff was for Playboy. Kevin said there really is no cut off, they just have to be over the age of 18. Celine was wearing a one piece bathing suit but she said she'd take it off for them. Howard described her and said she had a cut face, nice boobies and she was 24 years old and lives in Miami. Artie thought she was hot but not hot enough for Playboy. She was in a Maxim magazine Hometown Hotties layout though. Howard read through her bio and then asked her to take off her bathing suit. She was wearing panties and had a big tattoo on her back. Howard said he thinks that she's not exactly the type that appears in Playboy. Gary said she had a great body but there was something off but he couldn't put his finger on it. Howard said he'd like to see her in Playboy. She may have been a bit thin for that according to Artie. Howard said he likes that look though. Kevin said that he would actually shoot her in Chicago. He likes her breasts and asked her not to touch them. Her body and face were both good according to Kevin and he said it would all depend on how she photographs. He thinks it would warrant a test. Howard had her step to the side and brought in the next woman.
Pamela came in as Howard was reading the notes he had about her. She's tried to get into the magazine but she was never able to get anyone to take nude pictures of her to submit to them. She finds herself to be a 6 on a scale of 10 and she has modeled for a calendar. She's 23 years old and lives in New Jersey. Howard wondered if Pamela would be able to take it if they told her she wasn't good enough for Playboy. Howard told her that this guy Kevin is ''the guy'' who can get her into the magazine so if she's not good enough for him, she's not going to get in the magazine. She seemed to be okay with that. Howard had her spin around and then Gary told her that she has a beautiful face but she needs to tone up dramatically. Howard said that he thinks that her hips and ass are too big. She has one implant because her breasts were uneven. Artie said that she's not Playboy but she is pretty hot. Kevin said that he agrees with Howard and Gary. She's not ready for a test. Kevin said the delay in getting the pictures to them was probably because she kind of knew that it might not happen looking the way she does. Howard wondered if she'd be good if she lost 25 pounds. Kevin said that's hard to predict but she does have a great face. Howard had her stand to the side and then brought in the next woman.
Next up was Ericka who has wanted to be in Playboy since she was in high school. Ericka was wearing a tiny thong and had quite an ass according to Howard. She's only a B-cup but Howard thought they looked nice and full. She told Howard that she works at Hooters and does hot body contests down in Florida. Howard had her flip around and sounded like he was quite taken with her ass. He wondered if she could take it if they told her she wasn't good enough. She said she could handle it. Howard asked her if she's ever been rejected by guys that look like them. She said she's probably been rejected and she could take it. Artie said that he liked her look and thought that she'd be worth taking pictures of. Gary thought she had a killer body but her face wasn't right for Playboy. Howard didn't think she was quite right for the magazine but she was very hot. Kevin said that he would like to see what she looks like in front of a camera but he won't be bringing her to Chicago. She said she brought some pictures with her so Kevin said he'd check her out. He told the guys that sometimes these women photograph better than you'd expect.
Next up was Cleery who says that she looks a lot like a former Playmate so that might hurt her chances. She thinks she looks like Scarlett Keagan but Kevin said he knows her and she really doesn't look like her. Howard read through her bio and then took a look at her. He had her spin around and show her ass and asked her if she could take it if they told her she was no good. Howard thought she seemed a little crazy to him but she didn't get why he was saying that. Howard told her that her hair was way off her head and she was showing too much forehead. Her boobs were flat and her stomach and hips weren't toned. He said she's a good looking girl, just not Playboy material. Artie felt the same way. Gary said there were some stretch marks on her boobs as well. Kevin said that he agrees with the guys that she's not Playboy material and she shouldn't even bother sending pictures. She said she'll still send in pictures for special editions and stuff. Kevin said that's a good idea and they may be able to use her on the web site or for special editions.
The only one who is going to Chicago for sure is Celine. Kevin said that Howard could probably do his job because he's able to pick the girls apart. Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who said the girls all look good on the web site. He also asked if the girls smoke weed... and then took a couple of hits off his bong. Another caller asked which girl was going to Chicago from the picture on the web site. Howard said he's surprised that his guys didn't put the names with the pictures. He described who was who, Celine was on the left, then it was Ericka, Pamela and Cleery, and then gave the girls each $500 prizes courtesy of the movie ''The Aristocrats.'' Artie wondered if Kevin would give Ericka a chance after seeing her in the picture on Howard's web site. Kevin said that she did look good in the picture so he wants to see the other pictures she brought with her. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Kathy told Howard that one of their interns, Marco, was either high or drunk. Gary told her that all of the interns hate her already and she hasn't even been there that long. Kathy said she likes to screw around with the interns there so that's all she was doing. Gary said that one of the female interns was also saying that she was annoyed by her. Kathy said she had a nice chat with one of the female interns and didn't have a problem with her at all. Marco came in and said that he wasn't high or drunk and he may have looked the way he did because he got up at 4 in the morning. Claudia the intern said that she was in the bathroom and could hear Kathy from about 2 hallways away and it was kind of annoying to her. Claudia wasn't the one who had a conversation with her though. She said she does like Kathy even though she was annoyed by her loud voice. Howard told Kathy to take the criticism and deal with it. Kathy said she's been called annoying before so it's not a big deal.
Howard asked Kathy about her relationship with Brooke Shields. Kathy said she doesn't see her that much anymore since she got upset with her after she put a story about her and her mother on a DVD. Kathy said the last time she spoke to Brooke was about a year ago so Howard figured the relationship was over. He changed subjects and asked Kathy if she thinks her show will last long. She said it's only 6 episodes right now and it's on Bravo. It sounded like she wasn't expecting much in the way of ratings being on that channel. The show is a reality show where they follow her around. She said she's not going to fake going to a psychic or anything like that because that's what she thinks Farah Fawcett did on her show. She said she's not going to do anything that she wouldn't do in her real life. She told Howard that the cameras were there for 5 months every day and they filmed just about everything she did. She said they would tape her eating and stuff like that but not when she went to the bathroom.
Howard asked Kathy about the guys she has dated in the past and she talked about the midget she dated for a short time. She said he was about 4'6'' tall and she felt like she was walking with a little boy when she'd hold his hand. She said she never had sex with him because she didn't like him all that much. Kathy said he didn't kiss very well and he was cheap so things didn't work out. She told Howard some stories about her husband and how he gained a lot of weight and now he's trying to lose it. Howard wondered if she ever thought that he was trying to get rid of her by gaining weight. She didn't appreciate the comments but Howard told her that she's attractive and tried not to offend her.
Kathy got in a plug for her TV shows. She has a special coming up on Wednesday night called ''Kathy Griffin is Not Nicole Kidman.'' Howard interrupted her and asked how her eyes are doing since her last appearance. She said that they're bad because she had problems with the Lasik surgery and had to have more operations after it went bad. Now she said she has blurry vision that won't go away and she's lost about 30-35 percent of her vision. Howard asked Kathy to comment on some other things like Tom Cruise's odd behavior lately. Kathy said she loves what's going on and it shows how great his publicist was before she got fired.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she thought that Kathy was horrible on the E! show she did with Star Jones. She said she hopes her new show works out. Other callers were goofing on her and telling Howard to get her off the air. One guy asked Kathy if she thinks that her eye surgery went bad after she goofed on some Jesus magnets on Colin Quinn's ''Tough Crowd'' show. She said she doesn't believe in god and only believes in people. Ralph called in and said that Kathy got that lasik surgery for free so maybe she got what she paid for. He also said that he'd like to have a poll on Howard's site to find out who's more annoying, him or Kathy. Howard wondered why he has to call in and insult his guests. Ralph said he likes her but she really is loud and screechy when she's on. Howard asked Kathy about who she goofs on in this new special of hers. She said that she goes off on Oprah and talked about that for a minute.
Howard gave Kathy some plugs for her TV show ''Life on the D List,'' which airs Wednesday at 10, and for an upcoming gig she has. Ralph asked Kathy if she's 38 or 42 years old because he saw two different reports in the paper. Kathy said she doesn't talk about her age and she went off on Ralph because he was claiming he wasn't gay. Kathy said that she can't believe that Howard lets him get away with that. Another phone caller told Howard how annoying Kathy is when she appears on the celebrity poker games. They talked about that for a minute and then there was some discussion about how Kathy tries to get free stuff for product placement plugs. She goes to a furniture store and tries to get free furniture on her TV show. She thinks that everyone in Hollywood does that. Howard wrapped up after that and gave her a few plugs for her TV shows and stuff.
Howard said he felt like Kathy was pissed at him when she left but Artie said he thought her husband may have been the one who was pissed. Gary said he didn't think that either of them were pissed. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later. She had barely gotten started before Howard goofed on Artie a little bit about the meltdown he had last week and how he was referring to himself in the third person. Artie said that's something he learned in rehab. Robin got back to her news but a young kid called in a short time later and did an impression of Don Rickles goofing on Artie in the movie ''Dirty Work'' where he called him a ''baby gorilla'' and other things. The kid said he was 11 years old. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Artie about the movie wrap party he was invited to this week. Howard can't make it because he's going away for the weekend. He told Artie that he would have gone if he was going to be around. Robin also said she can't go and it didn't help that it was such short notice.
During the news Robin read a report about the teacher who was recently arrested for having sex with her students so Fred played Van Halen's ''Hot For Teacher'' and that got Howard to wondering about how Alex Van Halen played the drums like that. Richard Christy came in and said that's the song that made him want to play drums. He thinks he could play it similar to the way it is in the song if they had a drum set in there. Sal came in a short time later and said that he saw Richard play drums while he was at a gig with him recently and the guy is amazing. He thought he sucked the last time he saw him play and then when he saw him play a set that was set up correctly, he was amazed. Howard let the whole song play through and the guys talked about how great that band was back then. Richard said they were in their prime when that song came out. They replayed the song to hear it from the start again. Both Richard and Fred thought that it sounded like there was some layering going on at the start of the song. They also played some of Richard's work from a speed metal band he was in called Iced Earth. Ralph called in and said he saw Van Halen do that song in concert and that drum part was for real. Fred said that it couldn't have been all him. Ralph suggested that they have Alex come in and perform the drum part for them in the studio. Some of the guys thought that Alex might not be up to playing that way anymore. Howard told Richard to get a drum kit set up for tomorrow's show so they can hear him play. Howard had Robin finish up her news and then ended the show around 10:25am.
Howard started off the show taking a phone call from a guy who asked him about Janice Dickinson on ''The Surreal Life'' because she's all over Jose Canseco and she claimed that she wasn't when she was on Howard's show. Howard said he's seen some of the shows ahead of time because Mark Cronin is his friend and he's producing the show. Howard and Robin said they don't think the show is that good this season, it's kind of boring.
Another caller brought up Artie and the fact that he's taking Paxil. The two of them were talking about how it makes it take forever to be able to pleasure themselves. Artie said that he can last a really long time when he sleeps with Dana and he can pay attention to a lot more stuff with all of that extra time. Howard said he was with Beth the other night and finished really fast so he had to explain to her that it just felt too good. Beth told him that the time was just fine with her but he's not sure what she's really thinking.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about the new TV deal that he was supposed to talk about on Monday. Howard said that he will have an announcement today about what's going on with that. He looked at his schedule and saw that Johnny Knoxville will be in at 7:30. He was looking for an opening to talk about the TV show but he ended up talking about Johnny for a minute. He read that he may have banged Jessica Simpson and there are rumors that she and her husband have already gotten divorced but they're keeping it secret to save their TV show. The guys spent a couple of minutes on that and Howard wondered if Johnny would take a lie detector test about whether or not he slept with Jessica. Gary was saying that he sees Johnny in a bunch of magazines dating a lot of different women even though he's married. Howard said there are some marriages out there where guys are allowed to date other woman. Maybe that's what's going on there.
One of the contestants from the Hottest Chick - Biggest Fan contest called in because she thought that one of the answers in the game wasn't correct. Howard told her that it was answered correctly and she should get past it already. He let her go a few seconds later and talked about another contest they had coming up that will involve his parents. He took another phone call from a guy who said that he shouldn't feel bad about not lasting a long time with Beth because she's so hot that no one could last a long time with her. That led to Howard talking about his girlfriend's Spike TV show and how he never gets to see it. He said that all of his girls are getting TV shows now. Robin is getting one, Beth has one... Robin asked Howard when she became ''his girl.''
A phone caller asked Howard about Soupy Sales and if he would have him on the show. Howard said he didn't know but when he was a kid, Soupy was someone he really liked. Another guy asked Howard to get Uncle Floyd on the show as well. The guy seemed to be putting on a voice but he said he was just ''slow.''
Howard said that he's been thinking about what's going to go on over at SIRIUS when he moves. He's got to figure out what's going to happen during the rest of the day on his channel over there. A listener was asking him if they could replay the show throughout the day so people who work at night could listen. Howard said he could probably do that but he's got other plans for other stuff on the channel. Yesterday Howard was saying that he was ready to get fired and to take a couple of months off before moving to SIRIUS but today he was saying that they should go on SIRIUS the next day if they get fired. He spent a couple of minutes talking about how Mel Karmazin is over there and how he really does want to get over there. He said he was thinking of getting put on a channel like 169 but he can't have that one, he's going to be getting channel 100. Their second and third channels will be 101 and 102. He said he likes the number 100 and he'd like to be on there today. Robin wondered what would happen if someone tuned into that channel today. Nothing would happen, it would just be a bunch of people waiting. He said he's got 4 months, 27 days and 18 hours as of about 6:25am before he goes to the new place officially.
Howard talked about all of the stuff that got bleeped on yesterday's show. He said the dump button was being used like crazy and those guys are going berserk back there. He said the talk about Robin's menopause and dryness was censored like crazy. He said he can't wait until he makes his move because the only person using a dump button will be him. Howard got the list of things that they hit the delay on and there was a bunch of stuff that got bleeped that was ridiculous. Artie said he might want to look at that list so he knows what he can't say. Howard told him not to look at it because it would confuse him and he might not say stuff on the air that he usually would. He said that even Robin can say stuff that he can't say on the air.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he can't wait for Howard to move, he'll be listening. He's been checking out the web site for the satellite company and he likes some of the tuners he's seen. Howard told the guy that he really shouldn't be talking about this stuff on the air because they'll start censoring the show because he's doing an advertisement. Howard went on to say that they can name their stations over there so he wants to come up with something. He said that Eminem has a name for his station that's ''Shady 45'' or something like that. He talked about something he heard on that channel one day and how graphic it was. He said he only lasted about 5 minutes listening to the discussion.
The guys were talking about Artie running down to Mangia to get food every day now. He comes back with a whole bunch of food when he runs down there. They talked about how he came back with some pork the other day and how quick he's able to run down, get it and come back. They went to break a short time later.
Howard claims he got the run around over at E! for quite a while and eventually found out that they weren't going to renew the show. He heard from a bunch of cable channels after that but all of the deals were kind of weird and everyone was shaky about what they wanted to do. Now that he's making his move to satellite radio, they are going to be able to do whatever they want. The people at Comcast Cable came to him eventually and told him that TV is going toward being ''on demand'' (iN DEMAND) eventually so perhaps that's the direction he wants to go. That way, he could put on anything he wants on an ''on demand'' channel so people could watch his show whenever they wanted. He would have his own channel that he could put whatever he wants. They told him that they could even put something like Artie's DVD on there and distribute it that way. If they do it that way, there are no restrictions for what he can put on. They can do whatever the hell they want. Howard said he would like to be on regular television but that doesn't seem to be possible at this point. Howard is moving the TV show to ''On Demand'' as soon as they move to satellite (Press Release). That way the fans can watch the show at their leisure. They haven't come up with pricing at this point but it will be uncensored and won't start until he moves to satellite. The E! crew will be coming back when that happens but he's trying to get them to come back now so they can get some of these last shows on tape. There are a lot of cable companies that carry On Demand stations so millions of fans will be able to watch.
Howard said that he's heard from some stations that would like to edit the uncensored shows and play them on TV as well but he doesn't want that. He wants to be uncensored so it's going to stay that way. Captain Janks called in and said that this was great news and he's looking forward to it. He has On Demand stuff already and he loves it. Howard said the show is going to be turned around and put on either the same day or the next day. He wants to put on the best parts of the show and put them on quickly. They also want to have extra cameras on guys like Gary, Sal and Richard. Howard said they don't have to edit shows down to just a half hour, they can take a show and put up an hour, an hour and a half or whatever they want. Janks asked if they could play some old stuff when they're on vacation or something. Howard said this is all new to him so he doesn't have a game plan yet. He will be going through all of this as it goes along. He said he doesn't know what it's going to cost yet but he told the people at Comcast that they have to ''keep it low.'' There's a whole new thing going on here and he's going to have to fill people in on how to get On Demand and how to get satellite radio. Artie was thinking big and saying that they could make made-for-TV movies that would air On Demand. They can be as creative as they want.
Howard played a new prank call the guys made using clips of Richard Simmons talking about his balls. They got through a couple of times and the TV show host had to hang up on ''Richard'' a couple of times. Howard then took a phone call from a guy who asked Howard if he could do something free for the fans that can't afford the satellite radio or cable TV. Howard said he'd like to be able to do that but the censorship in this country has gotten so bad that he can't take his show to regular TV. He told the caller that he's spent years trying to do this radio show but things are getting worse. The caller said he hopes that he'll eventually be able to get something out to the people who can't afford it. Howard said he really doesn't know how to make that happen, he doesn't know how to do it. He thinks that what they're doing is going to be great.
Gary came in and corrected Howard about the on demand stuff. He said that it's actually a company called In Demand Networks that offers shows on demand. Howard didn't seem to know that so it was a good thing that Gary came in and let him know. Another phone caller told Howard that it seems to be all about money. Howard said that he is in business. The caller said that Howard has a web site so he should be able to offer it for free but Howard told the guy that it's no free to put stuff on the web, it costs a lot of money. The caller was complaining about how the uncensored E! shows that they could get were only rented for 24 hours. Howard said that's because of piracy so the caller pointed out that Howard is thinking about his pockets again. Howard agreed and said that it must be all about the money. Another caller asked about satellite TV and if this stuff would be available on there. Howard and Robin said that they don't have the ability to broadcast that kind of stuff. The caller also asked Howard how Gary got his name ''Baba Booey.'' Howard explained the story to the guy since the guy said he saw an old movie called ''Private School'' where a character went by the same name. Artie knew about the movie and said that it came out before the whole Gary thing. Howard claims he didn't know about it.
King of All Blacks called in and said that anyone who can't afford $10 a month for a radio shouldn't be watching cable TV either. Howard said he's looking forward to doing all of this new stuff now. He went off on the people who were trying to get his show thrown off the air over the past couple of years. He was bragging that he's still going to be on TV and radio, just in different forms. He said he's going to go off on Heather Wilson once he makes his move to satellite. He said he was almost check mated, but he turned it around and check mated them. He started to go off on Wilson and said that he will be giving people breasts every 5 minutes when he moves to satellite and he's no longer going to beg not to be fined. He'll do whatever he wants when that move happens. He thinks that he's beaten the government. He's going to do ''It's Just Wrong'' again when he moves. They weren't allowed to do it on this radio show anymore so he'll do it over there instead. Howard told Robin that he's going to bend Robin over a sink when they make the move. Robin said she may not be going over there if that's the case. He said this is the completion of a dream for him. He said the government thought they had him gone. They were wrong. He's not their slave anymore, he's escaping on the underground railroad. Once he said that, he realized that he'd just named his channel over at SIRIUS... ''Underground Railroad 100.''
Bobo called in and said that the next 5 years are going to be great with all of this stuff. He was also asking if he could come down to the new studio because they have 25 seats in there for an audience. Howard told him that they'll do that on select days, not every single day. Howard ended up talking about a news story about people cheating on their written drivers tests since Bobo is a driving instructor. They spent a minute on that but Howard had to take another break to calm himself down. He put Jessica Hahn on the line before he went to break. Jessica told Howard how everything he puts his hands on turns to gold. She said that the government made him a martyr by doing what they did. Howard said that the government is worried about Janet Jackson's boob while there are soldiers getting killed over in Iraq. He said they should be worrying about that and not about some one's nipple. Howard let Jessica go and went to break a short time later.
Yesterday Howard and the guys were talking about Van Halen's ''Hot For Teacher'' and the drumming at the start of the song. Someone wrote in and said that it was actually a recording of an exhaust pipe from a Harley or a Lamborghini that was idling. There was another writer who said that it was actually Alex Van Halen performing all of the parts. Richard Christy said he was working on playing that drum thing yesterday and he's able to play it pretty good. He was ready to play this morning in the studio so Howard had him go ahead and try it out. Fred was going to play some guitar along with him. He said it's really tough to play like Eddie Van Halen though. Fred played a little bit and it sounded pretty good to Howard. Richard wanted to warm up a little bit but Howard had his sister Ellen on the line.
Howard's sister Ellen called in to tell Howard how she got hooked up with SIRIUS satellite over the weekend and she loved it. He told her that he didn't want to do an ad for the service but Ellen was so thrilled with it that she wanted to talk about it. She said she's really happy for Howard since he's going to be moving. She told him how much she loves him and wished him luck. He said he really didn't ask her to call in and talk about it. He let her go and got back to Richard's drumming.
Sal the Stockbroker wanted to come in and play bass along with them but there were problems with hooking him up to the board. Sal called Scott the Engineer an idiot because he was supposed to have known about the hook up. Scott threw something at him and said he wishes he was on satellite so he could say what he wanted to say about Sal. Gary came in and backed up Scott because Sal apparently didn't let the right people know about what he wanted to do. Howard told Scott they were going to take a break and hook Sal up. Sal hadn't gotten the lyrics like he said he was going to but Artie knew the song pretty good so he was going to sing. Howard had Richard and Fred play the song and had Artie sing. Richard started off and seemed to have it down pretty good. Howard told the two of them they didn't have it down exactly but Richard was really good at drumming. It wasn't ''Hot for Teacher'' to Howard though. He told Sal to forget the bass but then told Scott to just plug it in
Gary was down on the street to find a woman to get butt bongoed. They had a $500 prize for the woman they got. Gary tried to get a couple of women but they all walked right past him. No one was interested in the $500... or maybe they were scared off by Gary. Howard told Gary to tell women ''Congratulations, you just won a chance to win $500.'' He tried that and people were still walking right past him. Gary said he felt like a serial rapist out there. He was having trouble finding anyone to listen to him. He finally found one woman to listen to him but she quickly said ''no'' after she heard she'd be used as a drum. Another woman came by and listened to his offer and walked away. They upped the money to $1000 and they were still turning it down. Sal said that he could get a girl if he went down there. Gary told him to come on down. Meanwhile Gary tried to get some other women. A couple came by and he told them what he was going to do but they said they worked in the building and weren't interested. Richard wondered if there were any feminine looking guys who could come up. That didn't go over very well with the other guys in the studio. Howard told Gary that he'd get back to him in a short time. Sal hadn't gone down yet because he wanted his own microphone. Scott told them that he didn't have another one to give him. Howard told him to go get Gary's microphone.
Howard said they had Wood Yi (Steve the Engineer) call Tabitha and tell her to stop calling K-Rock and stop harassing Gary. Tabitha put someone on the phone with 'Woody' and he went off on him. Tabitha seemed to get pretty pissed with that but she later found out they were having some fun with her and she was okay... but then she got pissed again that they weren't calling her back. He thinks that they've straightened things out with her.
Howard got back to Sal and Gary and found out that Sal had found a woman who was willing to get butt bongoed. He tried to bring the price down to $100 but the woman wouldn't do it. She turned him down until he went up to $500. Gary thought that Sal had a better chance at doing what he did because he didn't have a microphone. Gary had Sal try and get someone else with the microphone in his hand and it wasn't happening. Howard had the guys bring the woman up to the studio.
Jeff the Drunk called in and congratulated Howard on this new TV show venture. The guys figured he had no idea what was going to happen but he did know that the show was going to be on cable TV on something called ''Demand'' or something like that. Howard congratulated him on knowing the word ''demand'' at all. Robin said he probably won't be able to watch it anyway. Jeff said that's probably true.
Howard had Ed start off the test with his baseline questions like his name and what the date is. Ed told him to try not to move for a minute. They took Johnny's headphones off and started to question him. They asked him if his first name was Johnny, if he was married and if he was happy. Johnny didn't sound so sure when he said ''yes'' to the happy question. Then they started to get into the Jessica Simpson questions. They asked him if he had sex with her and if he kissed her. He said 'no' to both. Howard then had Ed ask him if he's ever had sex with a farm animal. Johnny stuttered a few times and said 'no.' He also doesn't find Jessica to be stupid. Howard asked him if he's ever used the term ''nig***.'' Johnny said yes to that one. Howard thought they had enough of the Jessica stuff so they asked him if he was attracted to Ed Torian. Johnny said 'yes' to that one but it sounded like he was just joking around.
Howard had Ed unhook Johnny and had them come back to the studio. Robin said she thinks that he failed the test and has had sex with Jessica. Johnny came back in and said he thinks that he passed the test. Ed came in a minute later with the results. Johnny admitted that his real name isn't really Johnny so he would have failed that test. Ed said he was deceptive on that one. He was truthful on the marriage question according to Ed. Howard said no one believes he's married because he's always out at clubs with other women. Johnny said he's not there with women, he's just out drinking. The next question, about being happy in his marriage, he was truthful on. The sex question about Jessica was another one he was truthful on... but he was being deceptive on the tongue kiss question. The next question never made it to the air according to Gary. They had apparently asked him if he's ever used his tongue as toilet paper but the delay was hit. He was truthful when he said no to that. He also failed when he said he didn't think Jessica was an idiot. He worked with her for 3 months on ''The Dukes of Hazzard.'' He was also truthful about using the N-word. Johnny said he's used it when telling stories or jokes. Howard wondered if he's used it while talking about Jessica Simpson. Johnny failed the test on the question about thinking of Jessica Simpson while pleasuring himself. Johnny said she never came up when he was pleasuring himself. Ed gave Johnny his lie detector test paper and left the studio after that.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Johnny about this new movie he's in. Johnny said it's been testing pretty high with audiences. Robin asked him what he thinks about the people from the TV series talking about how bad the movie is because of the sexual content. Johnny said that Ben ''Cooter'' Jones has been making such a big deal out of it that everyone knows about the movie now. Johnny talked about working with Burt Reynolds and Willie Nelson. He said he's not sure what's in the weed he smokes but it's pretty intense. He said he's not a big pot smoker but when you sit down in his bus and he hands it to you, you don't turn it down. Johnny said he didn't smoke any when he was shooting scenes though.
Howard wondered how Johnny keeps his marriage together with all of the rumors about him going out with Jessica Simpson and Kate Moss. Johnny said his wife knows he's a flirt but he's really not going out with those women. Howard couldn't get past the Jessica Simpson thing and said that she must be bored with Nick Lachey and that's why she might date someone like Johnny who's a little more exicting. He was also saying that Johnny must love the publicity. Johnny said he could do without the rumors. Howard had to take a break so he told Johnny to stick around when Gilbert Gottfried comes in. Artie told him how great he thought the ''Jackass'' movie was. He said he was laughing his ass off through the whole thing. Howard said he heard that Johnny got paid $5 million for ''Walking Tall'' but Johnny didn't want to talk about how much he makes. Howard went to commercial break a short time after that.
Gilbert came in and Artie mentioned that he just bought a $3 million apartment in the city. Howard asked him if he knew who Johnny was and Gilbert said they were actually on the show together one time. Howard asked him about the apartment and how he's moving in with his girlfriend. Gilbert wasn't saying much about that so Johnny said he's never heard him so quiet before. Gilbert did talk a little bit about his relationship and said kind of hinted that he didn't pay three million for that place. Artie said he's done shows with Gilbert and he can't believe he's giving up all of the ''road ass.'' Howard said he knows Gilbert has intimacy issues and he finds it hard to believe that he's actually committing to someone. They talked to Gilbert about how he never made it past 9th grade so he never graduated high school. Howard also gave Gilbert some plugs after that and had to take another break a short time later. You can find some more information about Gilbert's upcoming comedy shows at GilbertGottfried.com. Howard asked Johnny about ''The Dukes of Hazzard'' movie and if he had to do an audition. Johnny said he had to go do a ''chemistry test'' with Sean William Scott but that was it. That led to Artie saying that he was once asked to do a chemistry test with Tracey Morgan from Saturday Night Live and he told his agent he'd save everyone a little time and said there was no chemistry there. Howard went to break after that.
During the news a listener called in and suggested that Howard use SIRIUS channel 101 as a ''Howard Stern learning channel'' where he could have Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard doing sex talk and stuff like that. Howard told the caller to leave the station naming up to him. He and the other guys goofed on that idea a little bit before getting back to the news. Gilbert and Artie were cracking each other up through the whole segment doing impressions and joking around like crazy.
Wendy the Retard called in to say hi to Gilbert but she couldn't pronounce his name. Howard ended up asking her a bunch of questions about if she had been raped by Gilbert. She said ''yes'' to every question he asked. Wendy later asked if Gilbert wanted to come over and bang her. She was having some phone sex with him after that and Gilbert was laughing. Howard had him do some of his impressions as he was talking to her. Wendy was sweet talking him by telling him that she weighs 185 pounds. Howard had her rub the phone on her chest but it sounded like she was rubbing it on gravel. Gilbert had her rub it against her ass but there was no noise. Howard wrapped up the show a short time after that, around 10:30am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he's been waking up really early in the morning and he's not sure why. He ended up watching a porno movie from an on-demand service. He felt bad ordering the movie because he's seen it before and they give you a four hour movie that you only watch for a few minutes. Beth has been away so he's home alone and pleasuring himself while laying there naked in bed. He thought he'd be able to get back to sleep if he did that. He watched this one movie because he liked this one hot chick in the movie so he forwarded to that part. When he got there he figured he'd seen her already and forwarded to the next chick. When he got to her, he remembered that this was actually the third time he's watched this movie. He watched her a little bit and wanted to forward to the next chick. He did that and felt completely disgusted with himself after finishing up. He's wondering if there's something wrong with him because he wants to see other women naked when he's got Beth to look at. Robin and Artie seemed to think it was normal as long as he wasn't thinking about that when Beth was actually there with him. Howard said he knows that Beth will ask him if he pleasured himself while she was away and he'll end up telling her. He said he'll probably lie to her about thinking about her when he was pleasuring himself. He said he'd hate it if she told him that she thought about some other guy when she was pleasuring herself. He couldn't handle it. Artie said it would be really bad if she was thinking of one of his friends instead of a Brad Pitt or someone like that. Howard said he would end up getting mad at Fred if that happened. Howard said he thinks about stuff like that happening all the time and it drives him crazy.
Howard said he was able to go back to sleep after he pleasured himself and ate some shredded wheat. Robin wondered if he had eaten the shredded wheat before pleasureing himself. He said it was before then. Howard said he uses tissues to dispose of his stuff after he pleasures himself so he can just flush the stuff away. Richard Christy came in and said he broke his rule about pleasuring himself during the week because he saw a hot chick down near Columbus Circle so he had to finish himself off. Howard talked about a hot Puerto Rican chick he saw running around yesterday. Richard said he was pleasuring himself last night and actually fell asleep during it because he was so tired.
Howard saw a picture of Lindsay Lohan's mother in a news article and she looked really good. She's 42 years old but looks hot according to Howard. He showed the guys the picture and found another one where she looked just as hot. Howard said the only place she looks old is in her elbow. He said she has ''old lady elbow.''
Shuli called in but Howard interrupted and said that Richard was playing some songs for the guys off the air and having them guess what songs he was playing. Howard wanted to hear that so he had Richard sit down at his drums and play some songs for them. Richard drummed some Aerosmith ''Walk This Way'' and it was very recognizable. He hit the cymbal at the end of it and Howard said he hates them. Richard said he could play without them but they do make a difference. Richard played some more on the cymbals but Howard was annoyed by them. He asked Richard to play a drum solo that Ringo Starr played. Richard played what he remembered of it and it was pretty close according to Howard. Richard played some other stuff for Howard and Howard sang along. He played some Twisted Sister stuff and the ''Hot For Teacher'' stuff again. Richard played some stuff for the guys and had them trying to guess what it was. They were able to guess a few of them. Howard asked him to play Kelly Clarkson's ''Since You've Been Gone.'' He sang along as Richard made it up as he went along and then told Scott the Engineer he's out of ''The Losers'' and Richard is in.
Richard said he thinks that the best drum riff is from a band called King Diamond. He played it for Howard but he didn't like it. There was one song that Howard heard Richard had to train for to get it right. Richard said it's a really fast double bass thing and demonstrated it. Howard thought it was a little bit annoying but also pretty good. Howard changed subjects and told Artie that they've made light of his problems on the show and that if he does go out to Hollywood to do a sitcom or something, they're not going to put up with some of that. He got back to Richard and had him play some more drums. Howard and Artie were both singing along and ruining a couple of songs. Howard wanted to get it out of his system so he had Richard playing his requests. Artie was talking about some of the names of the songs that Richard's band Iced Earth had and goofing around talking about how funny they are. Howard let a few listeners call in and request some songs as well.
Howard got back to the mail and people thought that this week was great with Eric the Midget calling in and Ed Torian doing the lie detector test yesterday. Howard said they called another show on SIRIUS and used clips of Ed Torian asking questions to the host. The host recognized the voice and hung up. He said he was expecting that and had a feeling they'd get hit eventually. Howard played another clip where they had Ed Torian sing ''Hot For Teacher'' and that was pretty funny as well. He said his favorite is Crackhead Bob singing Van Halen songs... no offense to Ed Torian.
Some e-mailers thought that the prank call that Sal made to Eric the Midget as Stephen Speilberg's partner was pretty good so he replayed that. Sal called and told Eric that they wanted him to star in the remake of The Wizard of Oz and had him singing some songs from the movie. He then pretends(?) to pleasure himself to Eric's voice as he has him describing himself. Howard read more mail and people were talking about how great some of the stuff has been on the show lately. Some people think that the show has gotten better since the E! crew left but Howard thinks that's just a coincidence. Some people thought that Gilbert Gottfried was great on the show yesterday and that he could fill in for Artie if he left the show. Howard said he doesn't think that would happen. There were some people who thought Gilbert sucked so Howard glanced over those e-mails.
Howard got a bunch of mail about his TV plans and people think he's just lining his pockets. One writer said he could just sit there and collect a paycheck there on terrestrial radio but he'd have to let them censor his show. He said he could do that but he doesn't want to just sit there and take it. He thinks the show will change for the better when he moves to satellite radio. He talked about how this is the year 2005 and the government is worried about him saying the word 'penis' on the air. He went on to say that this country is 16th in the world for being internet connected. In Japan they're so connected that you can go in a subway and get internet access. This country used to be the leader in technology when it came to telephone and other tech but now we're falling behind. It's the future technology and it's not a good thing that we're falling behind. The government is pumping money into the Iraq war and not spending it here in this country where it belongs. He said if we didn't have this technology of satellite radio here in this country, he would be done on radio. He figures he'd be gone at the end of this year.
Howard said that Ralph is going with him this afternoon to find a tux since he needs one for Ross' wedding. Ralph said that he doesn't need a tux, it's just a ''black tie'' wedding, not a ''black tux'' wedding. Howard and Robin argued with him about that for a minute and Howard said that if Ralph isn't wearing one, he's not wearing one either. He was also talking about how Beth had to buy a $400 dress that looks like a prom dress on her. She won't be able to use it again after the wedding. The guys talked to Fred about how he wasn't invited to the wedding and Fred thinks it's kind of weird that he wasn't invited but Artie was. Ross hasn't known Artie more than a couple of years but he was invited. Gary said he's sure there are other friends of Ross who weren't invited but Artie was. The guys spent a couple more minutes talking about the upcoming wedding and some past weddings that they've gone to. Howard said Fred made a speech at a wedding one time when he was drunk and said that he loves Howard more than he loves his wife!
Howard invited Artie to come along with them when they shop for the tux. He said they get to drink while they shop but he realized that Artie wasn't drinking. Artie thought it was funny that they were going to be drinking while shopping. Howard told Ralph he has a meeting before the shopping trip so he won't be there until about noon. He kept talking about going to break but he kept bringing up more topics to discuss. He said he was talking to his mother yesterday and she couldn't hear him because her phone was going dead so she kept saying ''Hello'' and asking him if he was there. He was also talking about how stubborn they are to use things like cell phones or getting an alarm system in their house so they don't get robbed again. He said they were once robbed at knife point! He went to break a short time after that story.
Howard said Richard Simmons was on TV last night crying and he had audio of it. He played a clip where Richard was talking about being fat as a kid and crying as he was explaining how hard it was. After that Howard played some Richard Simmons bits and some prank calls they made to some shows about Howard's move to iN DEMAND. They also used some Hank the Dwarf clips to make some prank calls.
Sal the Stockbroker created a 'Star Trek Booey' song parody so Howard quickly played that. He also played some really annoying clips of Ashton Kutcher being a real douche on his show ''Punk'd.'' He was on the show one time and Howard said the guy didn't seem to be that much of a douche when he was on. He wondered if it's the whole Demi Moore thing that drove him over the edge. Ashton was also talking about how great he and his crew are at acting. Howard said that he's been in some really bad movies out there and he's not that great of an actor. Howard said he saw a funny show on last night called ''The Most Outrageous Live TV Moments.'' Robin said she was watching ''Rock Star: INXS.'' Howard said that show is a mess with Brook Burke reading her lines in a monotone like no one else. Robin wondered what Dave Navarro is wearing on that show. Howard said he likes Dave and doesn't want to bad mouth him but he is wearing some feminine clothes. Howard said that no one cares about the band INXS. He said he likes that it's a train wreck but it's getting such low ratings that they're moving one of the nights to VH1. They're also shortening the show by two weeks so they don't have to stretch it out.
Howard has some plans for the future that will be really cool but he's not sure he wants to talk about them right now. Robin figured he was going to do a Broadway show. He said that's not it but it will be something really creative that the fans will love. Gary said that the whole satellite radio thing reminds him of when CDs first came out and how people were reluctant to change over. Now it's the standard thing.
The caller asked Howard to explain to everyone what this iN DEMAND thing is. Gary took over and told the guy about how it's going to work. He said that people will be able to pay a monthly fee to get this channel and then they can watch shows whenever they want by picking them off a list of available shows on the cable box. You won't have to tune in at a specific time because the shows are available ''on demand'' when you want them.
Howard took a couple of calls and one of the callers was a cop who said some nice words about Officer James McNaughton who was killed while in action over in Iraq. That led to Howard talking about how wrong it is that this guy had to give up his life over there. Our troops are being slowly killed off over there and it doesn't make sense. Howard let the caller go after that and said that they were going to play ''Stump the Booey'' after the commercial break and they had a picture of the woman who was going to get naked if Gary won and she was hot. He said she looked like Goldie Hawn's daughter Kate Hudson and he loves the way Kate looks. He said he thought he could have gotten her at one point in his life but it never happened. He said he should have been more aggressive toward that relationship. It sounded like he was kind of bummed out that it never worked out.
Debbie Schlussel called in to talk about Ashton Kutcher. She first told Howard that the new Dukes of Hazzard movie is awful and then went on to talk about how Ashton is number one on a list of powerful celebrities out there. Howard thanked her for calling in and tried to let her go. She had to get in a plug for her web site DebbieDoesPolitics.com. She was talking about her blog and Howard told her that she really has to edit herself because it's a bit much. Howard didn't want to get into a long discussion about it but he told her to make it succinct and quick instead of giving every detail. He let her go after that. He was going to go to break but he a woman called in and asked the guys about the love doll they used to have in the studio. The thing started to fall apart years ago so they threw it out. Benjy ended up taking some of it home and kept the torso. It turns out the torso is still under the desk where Artie sits and it's been there for about 4 years. Artie was afraid that it still had all of their DNA on it but Gary said he once saw Isaac from E! cleaning it out with a scrub brush so it's been cleaned. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard asked Adam if it's true that he's going to be taking over for him in some markets out on the west coast. Adam said ''tentatively'' that sounds correct. He said he hasn't signed anything yet though. He's in the middle of doing some other stuff right now and he would die if he started now. Adam's TV show ''Too Late with Adam Carolla'' starts on Comedy Central next Monday. He's also got some other shows coming up on TLC and some other stuff. Adam said he's working on a show where he remodels houses and sells them to see if he can make a profit at the end. The first house he worked on was the one he grew up in. Howard said that Adam once told him that he'd have to get paid really big money to wake up in the morning so he must be getting paid a mother load of money to take over for him. Gary heard that Adam turned down a morning show about a year and a half ago. Adam didn't know anything about Howard leaving in September and said that he's heard that they want him to stay through his whole contract. Howard said that's not what he's heard. He thinks they want him out by September. Adam said as long as the show doesn't turn into a 4 hour commercial for satellite radio, they want him to stay until December. Howard didn't sound too happy about that because he wants out already.
Adam said he has this daily show that he'll be doing for Comedy Central so he doesn't want to start on a morning radio show right away. Adam said he wants to roll into work at about noon at this new job and he's not looking to wake up extra early to do the morning radio show yet. The new Comedy Central Show is starting on Monday and it'll be on Monday through Thursday. He said he was talking about doing the morning radio show and he was being told he'd have to show up for work at 5 in the morning. He said he was hoping to show up at 5:59 to start his 6:00 show though. He's got so many other things going on that he doesn't mind if he doesn't start that show until 2006. He's been told that there is no replacement for Howard Stern so he's ready to just go in there and not even try. Howard wished him luck with everything he does and he knows that he'll put a minimal effort into it all and still do okay.
Howard asked Adam what Jimmy Kimmel thinks about him going up against his TV show on ABC. Adam said Jimmy and he are good friend and they're happy for each other no matter what they do. Howard talked a little more about the rumors about Adam replacing him and Adam reminded him that he hasn't signed anything yet. Adam also said that he was told not to talk about it so this may mean the end of the whole idea. The two of them spent a little time talking about David Lee Roth and the rumors that he'll be replacing Howard in New York City. Adam said he thinks the guy is entertaining but he's not sure what it'll be like 8 months down the road. Howard let Adam go a short time later. He went to break so they could get to Stump The Booey.
Howard said that this guy who was there to play ''Stump the Booey'' is really arrogant. He used to work at Cracked Magazine and he's sent them a few letters about playing against Gary. Jaimie, the woman who was there to get naked in case the guy loses, looked really hot to Howard. She was giggling after each question howard asked. She said she's 5'5'' tall and weighs 130 pounds. She claims that she's been offered money for sex but has never taken it. Artie told her he'd double it. That led to Howard telling the story about Artie picking up a chick out in Vegas who turned out to be a whore. He didn't know she was a whore at the time because she came on to him at a club he was at. Howard asked Jaimie about the ten grand she was offered and asked her if she took it. She said she didn't take it and would sleep with a guy for free if she liked him. Howard was grabbing his cheek and making it sound like he was pleasuring himself as he was looking at her. He did that for a minute and then got to this guy who was there to play the game.
Howard said this guy Barry Dutter who used to work for Cracked moved on to create his own magazine called ''Gag.'' It sounded kind of gay to the guys. Barry said that they're working on their second issue now. Howard said the guy has been gone from Cracked for 3 years now. Barry said he's also working for the ''Weekly World News'' right now. Barry was very confident and thanked Gary before the game started for the $5000 he was going to be taking home with him. Howard gave a plug to the movie ''The Aristocrats'' since they sponsored the game today.
Howard moved on to the game and played a few seconds of a song and had the guys guess what it was. Here are the songs and who got what right...
During the news Howard played a new prank call they made to C-Span using clips from the old lady porn clips they play on the show all the time. They cut Sal off while he was playing the old lady moaning. Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
Howard moved on to talk to her about why she wants to meet Marilyn Manson. She's a huge fan and she's actually met him before. She has a tattoo of him above her ass too.
Howard told Theresa that she had to complete whatever came up on the Wheel of Sex that they have in the studio to get the chance to meet Marilyn. The wheel included things like:
Marilyn Manson came in after that and sat down to talk to Howard. Marilyn offered to wipe the fish guts off her ass since she was willing to go through so much to meet him.
After a few minutes Howard sent Theresa off and spent some time talking to Marilyn. He asked him about his breakup with Rose McGowan. Marilyn says he broke it off with her because she wasn't happy with his rock star life. She made it seem like she broke up with him because of his drug use when she was on the show a couple of months ago. Marilyn said he really doesn't have anything bad to say about her and he'd rather not waste all day talking about her. Howard wouldn't mind doing that though. He said he loves that stuff.
One of Howard's interns, Carrie, used to work for Marilyn and she claims that he used to make her call him ''Daddy'' when she spoke to him. Marilyn said it was true. She told Howard that she's been to 302 of Marilyn's shows. Howard said that's crazy, he's a fan of Marilyn's but he's only been to two or three of his shows. Carrie said that she was honored to be in the room with Marilyn and Howard because she thinks they're two of the greatest media marketers ever.
Howard got back to Marilyn and spoke to him about the sexual assault case that's been brought against him. Marilyn claims that it's all untrue and he never exposed his genitals to this security guard who says he was assaulted. Marilyn said he thinks this guy is just looking for a ''free ride'' so he's got this case against him now.
Howard brought up Marilyn's new girlfrined Dita Von Teese and spent a little while talking about her. Howard ended up getting back to Rose though and they spent quite a while talking about her. Marilyn mentioned his new song, a remake of ''Tainted Love'', which is featured in the new movie ''Not Another Teen Movie.'' Howard played the song and said the video looks really good. He also brought up Trent Reznor who used to work with Marilyn on his stuff. Marilyn said he and Trent have made up and he does talk to him once in a while. He said Trent is pretty reclusive and he doesn't think that he can keep up with the changing music industry.
Howard took a few phone calls for Marilyn and then gave Marilyn a plug for his new song, available on the ''Not Another Teen Movie'' soundtrack album as he wrapped up the interview.
Howard wanted to find out what this was all about so he brought Beetlejuice back in the studio and he was yelling at Gary for some reason. He was still upset about the whole thing. Howard said he thought the two of them were friends but it's obvious now they're not. It seems to be an ego thing. They've both been in movies and they think they're big stars. They may just be jealous of each other or something. Beetle sounded like he was still ready to fight Hank right then and there but Howard wouldn't let that happen.
Howard eventually found out that Beetlejuice once threw a cake on Hank at a hotel room they were in. The reason he did it wasn't all that clear though. KC said that it all started after Hank insulted Beetlejuice's mother one time but Hank said he never did that.
As Howard was trying to wrap things up we found out that Beetle is working on a book. When asked what the title is going to be he said something like ''Topigoobie'' or something like that. He said that the book will be out on Wednesday. Comedian Craig Gass goofed on him about that for a couple of minutes doing his ''W.C. Fields/Edward G. Robinson'' impression. Howard had to end all of that fun to take a break so he gave each of them a plug and went to break.
Howard said he read some sad news about the guy who played Dr. Zachary Smith, Jonathan Harris, on ''Lost in Space'' dying recently at the age of 87. Howard said he died a few days ago and they just got around to mentioning it on page 26 of the Daily News. Fred played Taps while Howard quickly mentioned the guy's death.
Howard played a couple more clips from Fred's Baby and let the guy on the phone kiss his ass a little bit before taking a commercial break.
Howard heard the guys are doing Letterman and he wants them to perform in the studio. Dave didn't have a problem with that so Howard told Fred to get him a guitar.
Howard talked to Dave about Courtney Love coming in and saying she didn't have a problem with Dave anymore. The new Nirvana greatest hits album is out now and they're getting along just fine. Dave talked about how it was the lawyers that were screwing things up. He said it wasn't that big of a deal anyway. He said he hasn't spoken to her since the deal was settled. He said the whole thing came down to the one last song Nirvana recorded. Once the lawyers settled on that they were done.
Dave dated Winona Ryder years ago so Howard brought that up and asked Dave what she was like when he dated her. Howard said sometimes she's really hot and sometimes she looks like a little boy. Howard said it must be great when you can get famous poon tang. Dave said that it's really not that great. Robin thought he was saying that Winona wasn't that great but he said he wasn't talking about her. Howard talked to Dave about the whole shoplifting thing and Dave gave his thoughts on that. Dave said they didn't go out all that long either. He said she was a ''sweetheart'' and didn't have anything bad to say about her. Dave told Howard he really hasn't been into heavy relationships up until now. The guys were talking to Dave about Winona and went a little to far with the questioning so Dave asked for the guitar and played a song off their new album instead. After the song Dave talked about the new album and then mentioned his girlfriend a short time later. He didn't bring her in though. He told Howard how he met her and how he was amazed that she was into him. He met her at a club out in L.A. So Artie told Howard he once saw Julian Lennon at the club trying to pick up a chick while sitting under a picture of his father John Lennon. Artie said he wasn't sure if he got the girl or not. Howard asked Dave a few more questions about picking up this girl. Dave said she's Asian so he had to go ask her father for permission. Howard told Dave to hold off on getting married and started giving Dave some advice on getting married. Howard told him that he's been dating Beth for a couple of years now. They showed Dave some pictures of Beth and he sounded like he was blown away by how hot she was. Dave ended up asking Howard about his girlfriend and if she likes anal or not. Howard changed his attitude and didn't answer. Howard joked that his girlfriend is hotter than Taylor who's pretty good looking. Taylor said he's in a relationship now also. He told Howard about how he met her when a friend brought her over to his house.
Howard took some phone calls for the guys. First up was Cabbie who claims that he was in a gang bang with Dave about 6 years ago with Courtney Love. He claims to have pictures to prove it too. He told Dave how great the new Foo Fighters CD is and also mentioned that Dave played drums for Queens of the Stone Age and that's the best rock album he's heard in years. A woman called in and asked Dave about the unreleased Kurt Cobain material. He said Courtney Love would have to release that stuff.
Junior the Farter came in to fart along to some Foo Fighter songs. Junior said he was really nervous about doing this. He was going to fart along to some Nirvana songs and some Foo Fighters songs. Junior wanted the guys to guess what songs he was farting at first. They didn't have much luck with that so Howard had Fred play some Foo Fighters music so he could fart along to that. He had a little more luck with that and the guys seemed to be enjoying it. Junior said he had one last song that he knew Dave would know. He farted a little bit and Dave actually knew it was an old Nirvana song.
Howard started to wrap up the interview and played a couple of tracks off the new Foo Fighters album. Junior jumped in and threw in a few farts over the songs. Howard told the guys they should take Junior into the studio to rerecord the songs. Howard said he liked the new stuff he was hearing. Artie yelled at Junior because he was just standing there enjoying the music. He told him this wasn't a free ride and to get busy farting. After playing a couple of songs Howard wrapped up the interview and took a break.
Vin the Retard was up first and he had one minute to do his stuff. Vin talked about being on the show 15 times as Vin the Retard. He joked about how people think his IQ is 60 after hearing him on the show when it's actually 70. That got some laughs from the guys. Vin did some other material for the rest of the minute and got a couple of laughs from the guys.
Sal was up next so Howard gave him his minute. He joked that he felt like Artie, a lot of fake laughter for his part because Fred was playing the laughter. Sal did a whole bunch of material about a bunch of stuff including jokes about taking his wallet out of his sock since Wesley Snipes left. He made jokes about Robin, Fred and Artie as well as Howard's big nose. He made some jokes about KC also before his minute was up.
Robin said she thought there would be a clear cut winner but there wasn't. She said neither of them are ready for prime time. She said she was laughing at Vin more but it was his delivery, not the jokes. She had to give Vin her vote. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Sal was horrible and he should give it up. She said she likes him but he was really bad. Artie ended up doing his impression of her and Sal just yelled at her.
Fred said Vin looks like a comedian and sounds like one. He got some laughs from him and didn't get any from Sal. Vin got Fred's vote too.
Artie said ''...a retarded guy is always funny... but enough about Sal.'' He went on to say that he laughed out loud 3 times when Sal did his stuff so he gave his vote to him.
Howard was up next and said that he had to give his vote to Vin. He said that Vin has the look and the delivery that Sal doesn't. He said Sal shows some promise but he's got to work on his material and delivery. Sal got a plug in for his web site HorseToothJackass.com where you can find out more about where he's doing his stand-up routine. Vin just said ''hi'' to a couple of friends of his before Howard ended the segment.