- Speech Impediment Man And Other Calls. 02/19/20. 7:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: A ''Inside the Actor's Studio'' bit featuring Eric the Actor and Jeff the Drunk, ''Lesbian'' song, a phony phone call Sal made to a clock repair shop where the woman pronounced clock as ''cock,'' Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins performing ''Tonight, Tonight'' in the Howard Stern Show studio.
Howard started the show doing his Cousin Brucie impression and singing along with his opening song. Howard said he has to fix his computers. He said they lowered them and he can see Robin now. He said he usually slouches down like a snail so he may have to go back to that.
Howard said they have so much to get to today. He said he'll say hello to a couple of people first. He took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that what he did for Richard was amazing. She said she cried yesterday. She said he's an amazing person. She said it's 99 (shows) days left until his contract is up. She asked if he thinks about it. Howard said he does every day. He said it's torture. Mariann said don't let it torture him. He let Mariann go after that.
Howard said it does torture him thinking about the contract being up. He said he thinks a lot about what it is they might do going forward. He said he has been putting a lot of energy into it. He said his agent calls asking what he wants to do. He said Jim Meyer has called. He said they do have 99 shows left. He said he never has a relaxing vacation because he has these things to keep him distracted. He said he wishes he could have a good vacation but he's busy. He said the one person he's not consulting is Fred. He said he's too emotional. Howard said Fred starts crying and it's obnoxious.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who said he has a joke about the Corona virus. Speech said he did a show with Shuli out in Cleveland and in L.A. Howard asked if you're really a stand up if you do a show with Shuli? He said not really. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Speech Impediment Man and said he'd be a stand up if he did shows with Dave Chappelle. He said Shuli's rub doesn't make you go anywhere.
Shuli came in and said he's the one who is out on the road. He said Speech shows up and he puts him on for 5 minutes. He said he had a real heart to heart with him back stage and told him he can't bring him on the road with him. He said he told him that he doesn't do any jokes about his speech impediment. Speech said he has done that.
Howard said he isn't a stand up but what he does is comparable. He said he talks on the radio for 4 hours. He said people think he's funny and he realized you have to talk about the truth. He said he doesn't have a big dick and he hasn't' been fooling people all these years. He said it's the pain of having a small phallus.
Howard said here's a guy who wants to be a stand up comic but his speech impediment keeps him from making it. He said think about that. He said you'd think he'd talk about the pain of that. Shuli said it makes you different than everyone else so lean into it. He said he has yelled at him about going to do stand up at clubs.
Howard asked why a stand up comic? Why not be a speech therapist? He said all he has to do is come out and talk about all of the jobs he tried first.
Shuli had Speech tell a joke he has about going to the doctor. Speech told it but Howard didn't understand it so Shuli had to tell it to him. He said it's not a bad joke. Howard said he didn't know what he said. He said it's actually a good joke.
Robin said he doesn't want to go out and do shows to work out his own material. He just wants to go on the road with Shuli. Shuli said they have a club where he could do 60 seconds and then do an interview. He said this is perfect for him. Howard said he's been at it for 25 years and it hasn't happened yet. Howard said maybe he can work some of Shuli's stuff into his act. Speech said he can try that.
Howard had Speech try out one of Shuli's jokes that he suggested for him. Speech did it but he didn't tell it right so they had to correct him on it. It was something about his wife divorcing him because she didn't understand him.
Speech said he has been telling jokes about his Colonoscopy. Shuli said he is very overweight and he walks with no balance. He said it's like a tree getting cut down. Howard said he can't talk and can't walk so there's a lot of humor there. He asked if he talks about why he's dressed like Superman. Shuli said sometimes. He said most of the time he just shows up in the outfit and sits in the audience. He said a lot of Stern fans know who he is.
Howard asked what his Corona Virus joke is. Speech told the joke about how next time you eat Chinese food just drink Coors light. Howard asked if that's the whole joke. Speech said that's the joke. Howard asked what the joke is. Shuli said that Corona is a beer so he's telling you to drink a different beer. Robin still wanted him to explain. Howard said please no.
Howard said he has read in the paper that people do think the virus was caused by that beer. He said why not talk about those idiots instead. Shuli and Howard had some suggestions for what he could do with that. Shuli said he should be coming up with his own jokes. Howard said the problem is that he can't even talk.
Shuli said he had Speech come up once and asked to do some time. He said he told him absolutely. He said the bartender thought he had to cut him off because he sounded drunk. He said he should use that story in his act. Robin said he does nothing with it. Howard said Speech laughs at everything and he thinks he's funny. He said he's a sweet guy though.
Howard asked if Shuli can write a few jokes for him to give him a jump start. Shuli said he can do that. He said he'll record them as him saying them and then they'll see how he does. Howard said that's a good bit.
Speech said he killed at the Long Beach Laugh Factory and in Cleveland. Shuli said he does well but they are just happy to see him there. Robin said it's like when Jerry Seinfeld shows up. Shuli said he's their Seinfeld.
Howard took a call from a comedy coach with a speech impediment. The caller sounded like Speech Impediment Man. He gave him some jokes to use that were similar to what Speech was doing.
Howard said this is the guy he needs. Robin asked if he gets the jokes. Speech said he does. The coach was telling funny jokes that were going over very well. He gave Speech some stuff to use. The coach gave him some material to use and he was laughing at his own stuff. Speech said he has to take him on the road. Coach said he's giving him the jokes so he won't be taking him on the road.
Howard had Speech tell the coach a joke. Speech told a joke about coming home and finding his blow up doll hiding from him in the closet. That was the whole joke. Howard said he might need to spend more time with the coach. The coach had a joke about having cancer and Alzheimer's and then saying that at least he doesn't have cancer.
Shuli said he has to laugh like that after every joke. Howard said he learned that from Jackie the Joke Man. Howard let the coach go a short time later. Speech said he's writing every day. Shuli told him to write more. Speech said he came up with the Corona virus joke on his way to the Cleveland show.
Howard asked if he has a joke he wants to close with. Speech told a joke about going to the sperm bank to get some money but his deposit came back marked non-sufficient funds. Shuli said he loves that because he can't pronounce non-sufficient. He said Speech shows up at his shows and he'll just throw him up there to do a few minutes. He said he'll do an hour and he'll have Speech do 5 minutes. He said he brings him up as a surprise at the end.
Howard asked if he has to walk up there. Shuli said he has to walk up the stairs and he has trouble with it. Speech said he was in a car accident when he was little and it messed up his coordination and his speech. He said his head hit the dashboard. Howard asked if he's retarded. Speech said no. He said he has a brain injury. He said the back part of his brain was damaged and underdeveloped. Howard said that's what he wants to hear on stage. He said he should be talking about that in his act.
Shuli said this guy showed up in a wheelchair one time at his show and asked to do some material. He said this guy got up there and he was terrible. He said his friend leaned over to him and said if he was in a wheelchair he'd be killing. He said he was wishing he was paralyzed because there's so much material there. He said that's how he feels with Speech. He said it's gold. Howard said hopefully he's motivated now. He said he loves them trying to motivate him. Speech said he has a few shows coming up this week in San Diego. Howard said he'd just get up there and try to say San Diego for 45 minutes.
Howard asked if he has a real job. Speech said he's a security guard at a bank. He said he's been doing that for 18 years. Shuli said anyone could get away from him by just walking briskly.
Fred gave him a good line when he said ''Stop or I'll walk sideways!'' Shuli said walking is his Kryptonite. Howard and the guys were all throwing one liners out there for him. Howard asked if he's writing this stuff down. Speech said yes.
Howard told more jokes about his job and told him to talk about his life in his act. Howard had him talking about how this bank has no common sense so he doesn't do his own banking there. Howard had him telling the robber that he has to stop or he'll tell him his Corona virus joke. Speech said he loves this. Robin said this has been laying there for him the whole time.
Howard did his impression of Speech and kept going with the bank jokes. Robin asked if he wears a gun. Howard said the bank robbers see him and think it's a trap. Speech said he has inspired him. Howard said he's going to kill tonight.
Shuli asked if they let him wear the Superman costume. Speech said they don't. He said he has to be dressed presentable. Robin said the only thing left for him to do is fall down.
Howard said jokes are his deadliest weapon. Speech thanked him for all of the material. Robin asked if he has any weapons. Howard said he has spit. They did impressions of him talking and slurring his speech so spit would come out. Howard had him threatening to do to the robber what he does to the English language. Howard said he has a million of them.
Speech was cracking up at all of this stuff. He asked if he would consider a Wack Pack radio hour when he retires. Howard asked if he's going to retire and put him on. Speech said yes. He said he'll get High Pitch and Elephant Boy to do a show. Howard said that's his plan. Robin said they have to give them a pilot and let them do it. Speech said Shuli can be the co-host. Howard said that would be a Twilight Zone episode for Shuli. He said he's waited all his life to get a radio show and he gets to do that.
Howard and the guys kept telling jokes as Speech Impediment Man. Robin said she has to see him dressed at work.
Howard had more jokes about his speech impediment that he threw out there for him. Howard said he somehow thinks all of this will bomb with Speech. Shuli said there's some other guy out there with a speech impediment stealing the jokes right now.
Howard asked how he laughs like that. He said he laughs like Dom Deluise. Fred had a laugh that sounded similar to him. Howard said how about just go up and play this segment on stage and just stand there. He said they'd be laughing in the crowd. He said he's the guy who called in and they can just look at him. Shuli said he doesn't laugh at anything funny, he just laughs at everything.
Howard said life is cool isn't it? He said all of this is going on in his head 24/7. He said his wife walks in and asks why he's laughing at himself. Speech said he has comedy sets going on in his head at work all day. Howard asked whose they are. He wished him luck and said he has a great sense of humor about himself. He said whenever you want to get on stage just shows up at a Shuli show.
Speech said he was going to tell Shuli that he was going to do Shuli's act on Friday when he wasn't able to show up at his show. Shuli said he can't even do his own act. He said he came on the air years ago telling a story about sitting between a Jewish couple. He said people want to hear that story in his show now. He said that's what people want to hear because it's a real story. He said they grasp on to things like that.
Howard said he has to go. He let Speech go and told him to go write some jokes. Fred did his impression of him talking about writing some rape jokes. Howard went to break after that.
- RIP Buzzy Linhart And Kirk Douglas. 02/19/20. 7:50am
After the break they played Metallica's cover of ''Turn the Page'' as they were coming back. Howard came back and said he loves these boys. He said he was watching the social media feed and they released some Metallica stuff. He said those guys are fun. He said it was a great show when they came in with the whole band.
Howard said while they were on vacation Buzzy Linhart died. He said he wrote the song ''You Gotta Have Friends.'' He said he was like 77. He said maybe 76. He said Bette Midler made a hit out of that song. He played some of her version of the song.
Howard said Buzzy was 76. He said he remembers being high as a kite in high school and he was laying on the floor wasted. He said someone put on music at a party he was at. He said the other guys were making out with women and he was laying there self medicating. He said he was freaking out because he felt like the guy could see him laying there. He said listen to the lyrics. He played the song ''The Love's Still Growing.'' He said check this out. He said picture him not getting laid to this song.
Howard let the song play and the lyrics were about being high and not being able to go on. Howard said he thought the guy was looking at him laying there on the floor.
Howard said he listened to that album every day when he was in high school. He played some other songs off the album ''The Time To Live Is Now.''
Howard said he found out about Buzzy dying from Ted Utz. He said he's retired but he used to be a Program Director. He said he has his own band now. He said he plays the bass and he has his move. He said he comes up to the microphone and harmonizes. Robin said she thinks she's not going to go look for that. Howard said he invited him out to his gig. He said he worked with him in radio in 1976 or something. He said he was a nice guy. He said he was part time. He said he was full time himself. Howard said he's not sure why he's talking about Ted.
Howard said he has to see if he has any facts on him. He said the other guy who died was Kirk Douglas. He said he lived to 103. He said that's awesome. Robin said those last few years had to be tough. Howard said he sees his parents and they don't look like they're having fun. He said his dad says he is though. He said he just sits there reading the paper. He said he reads the NY Times every day. He said he reads it and regurgitates it. He said he tries to talk to him about things in the paper but he doesn't say much. He said he likes to hear him talk about it.
Howard said his mom tells him that aging isn't for the wimpy. He said he asks his dad what he thinks and he says he's having a good time. Howard said they go and have their meals and they do their thing. He said his dad reads the paper. He was doing his impression of his dad talking about all of that. He said he talks about watching baseball and things like that. He said he used to like the Dodgers when they were in Brooklyn. He said he thinks he likes the Yankees. He said his father was always yelling at the game. He said he didn't really have any passion for it. He said he knows things about it. Robin asked if he ever went to the games with friends. Howard said his father never had friends. He said his mother said he didn't need them. Howard said his father had a friend once. He said his name was Ernie. He said he never saw the guy though. He said his father doesn't even know what happened to him. Howard said Ernie was at their wedding but they have no idea what happened to him. He said his mom would keep in touch with everyone but not his dad.
Howard said his dad never had friends. He said he did his chores on the weekend. He said they'd have people over on the weekend and party but it wasn't like he had friends. He said his father thought they were all dumb. He said he'd hear his parents talk about their party friends like they were doing a Wrap Up Show. He said it was just something to do. Howard said maybe they did like them. He said he shouldn't say that. He said they do talk badly about everyone. He said no one is as good as them. He said he heard all of this growing up and he became just like them.
Howard said Buzzy Linhart died. He said he has more of the songs from that album. He played another song of his from the album. He asked if Fred was into him. Fred said he wasn't but hearing this makes him think he was really good.
Howard said they had him on the show once but he didn't remember that. He said Gary had to remind him. Howard read about some of the things Buzzy did over the years.
Howard said he was good and he liked him. He played more songs from that album he mentioned earlier.
Howard said Buzzy was 76 and he's gone now. Howard said Dick Van Dyke is still around. He said he's 93. Robin said he still dances for people and shows off. Howard said it's horrible dancing but he does it. Howard said Sophia Loren is still alive at 84. He was asking Robin if she knows if they're alive or dead. Robin was guessing them right. Howard read about other old celebrities.
Howard asked if Abe Vigoda is still alive. Robin said he is. Howard said he died in 2016. Robin said she missed that. Howard asked about a bunch of others like Carol Channing and Carl Reiner. Howard asked about Julie Newmar. Robin said she's alive. Howard said she's right. Howard asked about Leslie Nielson. Robin said he's alive. Howard said he died in 2010. Howard asked about Burt Bacharach. Robin said he's alive. Howard said he is.
Howard asked about Little Richard. Robin said he's alive. Howard said that's right. He said you don't see him anywhere. Robin said no but he's still here. Howard said he remembers him being on all of the talk shows when he was growing up. He said he really doesn't know what his sexuality is.
Howard asked about Frankie Valli. Robin said he's still alive. Howard said she's right. Howard asked about Angela Lansbury. Robin said she's still alive. Howard said she's right again. He said she knows them all.
Howard said Kirk Douglas died at 103. He said he lived a really long time. Howard said he wants to live that long. Robin said he doesn't want to live to be a mess. She said she remembers seeing Katherine Hepburn being poured into a car once when she was really old. Robin said when you're like that you're aware of it. Howard said the other option is to be dead and lay there. Robin said at least you're not aware.
Howard read some things about Kirk Douglas like the fact that he was Jewish. He said he changed his name from Issur Danielovitch Demsky to Kirk Douglas. Howard played a clip where Stuttering John interviewed Kirk and Kirk asked ''What are you saying?'' It's a clop that Fred has played many times over the years.
Howard said those two guys died while they were away. He said rest in peace to them. He went to break after that.
- RIP Ja'Net DuBois And Great TV Theme Songs. 02/19/20. 8:20am
After the break they played Paul McCartney's ''Let Me Roll It'' as they were coming back. Howard came back and said that's the best. He asked what album this was from. Fred said it was Band on the Run.
Howard said someone else died that he didn't mention. He said that Ja'Net DuBois died. He said she was on Good Times. He said she wrote the theme song for The Jeffersons. Jon Hein said that she co-wrote it and she sings on it too. Howard said that's impressive. He played the song. He said that's one of the best theme songs of all time. Howard said he sang that with the choir in the studio. He played some of that.
Robin wondered if she got to hear that before she died. Howard said he heard she died because she did hear it.
Howard asked what the best TV show theme song of all time is. He said Sanford and Son was great. He played little bits of each song. Jon said that's a great theme. Robin said The Jeffersons tells a story. Howard had Good Times theme too. Howard said that's not as good as the Jeffersons.
Howard said Gilligan's Island was a good theme song too. Howard played some of that. He said it is great. Howard said the Jeffersons is more catchy. Robin said people sang it. Howard said Jon is bopping his head out there. He said how about the Monkees theme song. He said that's good too. He played that and said that was pretty good. He said it's between that and the Jeffersons. Howard said he's eliminating the others.
Howard asked which is better, The Jeffersons or the Monkees. Everyone agreed it was the Jeffersons. Howard said Jon said the SWAT theme was good. Jon said it was good but without lyrics. Howard said Mission Impossible was great then. Robin said sure but it's not a great song. Robin said Peter Gunn was a great song. Howard said no it wasn't.
Howard said how about Hawaii Five-O. He played that and they agreed it was great too. Jon said the drum is great in the start of that song. Howard said it's like a wave coming out of the ocean.
Howard said The Munsters is great too. He played that theme and said he thinks there were lyrics for that but they dropped them. Howard asked Robin what she thinks is the best out of all of the instrumentals. Robin said that's a tough one. Howard said he might have to get rid of the instrumentals. He said this is too hard.
Howard said Welcome Back Kotter was great too. He played that and said he doesn't think it's better than The Jeffersons. Howard said that didn't give you the story of Kotter. Jon said it did kind of.
Howard said when he came to WNBC they did a campaign where they said Howard's back. He said he was never there. He said he grew up there but he wasn't famous yet.
Howard took a call from a guy who said you can't forget The Flintstones or The Jetsons.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's watching Narcos Mexico. Howard said he is and it's so great. He said this is called Narcos Mexico and it's the second season of that. The caller said it's fantastic. He said a friend of his plays the lead DEA agent. Howard said that guy is awesome. The caller said he was in some great films. He said he was in Killing them Softly. Howard hung up on the guy and said who cares.
Howard said he hates reading the subtitles in Parasite but he doesn't mind it in Narcos. Jon said the acting is so good that you don't mind it. Howard said he also likes that they have them speaking real Spanish in the show. He said they don't paint them as idiots either. He said they're not bumbling fools.
The caller said he thinks that they based it on real stories. Howard said they did. He said Netflix is so good with that. He said they didn't even feature it as a new entry there. He asked Jon why they do that. Jon said he's not sure but that's how they do it. He said then you stumble upon it and think about how great it is that it's there. Howard said he streamed like 10 episodes in 2 days. Jon said that's what he loves about that too. Howard said CBS has to do that. He said they should put it all up there at once.
The caller said that he talked to his buddy Scoot McNairy and he told him that they shot in really shitty neighborhoods down in Mexico. The caller said he really likes the theme song. Howard said that's the one thing that he hates about the show.
The caller said he has to thank him for talking about how shitty the half time show was at the Super Bowl. Howard said music has really gone down hill. He said you don't need a stripper pole with Graham Nash.
The caller said that he checked out Billie Eilish on his show and now he's listening to her all the time. Howard said people want to hear the music from the show from over the years and they have it all up on the SiriusXM app. He said you can go back and listen to it. The caller said the app is great and well put together.
Howard said The Rockford Files had a good theme. Howard played a second of that and said that sucked. He played The Sopranos theme and said that was great too. He said The Jeffersons was great though. He played Laverne and Shirley's theme. Robin said that doesn't belong in the running. Robin asked about Happy Days. Howard said how about this. He played the Addams Family. Robin said the Jeffersons is better. Jon said that was great too. He said that they had Lurch in it and they set up the show too. Howard played that one over again.
Howard said when they were writing Private Parts he wanted to make Fred like Lurch and just have him grunt. Fred said that would have been so funny. Fred did his Lurch impression for him. Howard said he's got it.
Fred asked about the Batman theme. Howard said that was good. Robin said that was awful. Jon said it was good. Howard played that. Howard wondered who played trumpet at the start of the song. Robin said that's a lazy song. Howard said he could write this.
Howard said the guy who wrote the Addams Family song also wrote Green Acres. He said his name was Vick Mizzy. Howard and Robin sang some of that song. Howard said that's not better than the Jeffersons.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said Batman was great. He said how about Star Trek and Get Smart. Howard said Get Smart was instrumental. Howard played some of that and said that was pretty fucking good too. Robin said how about Car 54 Where Are You. Howard said Robin is old. He said this whole bit is old. He said anyone under 40 has no idea what they're talking about.
Howard said he's making the point that The Jeffersons theme is the best ever. He played some of the Green Acres theme. Howard said he wanted to fuck that Ava Gabor. Robins said she came on the show once. Howard said he wanted to have intercourse with her when she was on that show.
Howard asked about the Dukes of Hazard. He said they're not even in the running. Jon said that was a good one. Howard played some of that song. Howard said he hated that show. Jon said Daisy Duke was excellent. Robin said she knew then that women were as bad as men because she watched the show just to see their asses. Howard asked who Daisy Duke was. Jon said that was Katherine Bach. Howard said he never watched the show.
Howard said the Andy Griffith Show had a great theme. Howard played that theme. Robin asked about the Gomer Pyle theme. Howard said he doesn't have that one. He had the Flintstones though. Howard played that one. He said he's making a case that the Jeffersons theme was the best of all time.
Howard played the Friends theme. Robin said they used to play this at WNBC. Howard said that was the worst part of his career. He said he doesn't love that song. Robin said the used to play the Hill Street Blues theme. Howard said it was better than the other shit they were playing.
Howard played The Brady Bunch theme. He said it was good but not as good as The Jeffersons. He said it's the greatest of all time. Howard said Ja'Net DuBois is probably still making money on that song. He said she gets paid every time it plays. Howard said Johnny Carson took his theme song and made money off of that every time it played.
Howard played the Mr. Ed theme song. He asked if that's better than The Jeffersons. Robin said it's not as good. Howard said they had a song where Mr. Ed made love to Jessica Hahn. He said he got four hooves stuck inside her pussy. He said those were the good old days. Robin said no wonder they kicked them off radio. Howard said Bernie Sanders defended them though.
Ralph said how about Star Trek. Howard said that didn't have any lyrics. Howard had Fred dig that one up. Robin said she was in Australia and Williams Shatner was promoting a Star Trek convention and he really didn't want to do that. She said they introduced him as Captain Kirk and he said no, he's William Shatner. Robin said they asked what goes on there and he didn't know. Howard said you have to go in there with a good attitude if you're going to take the money. Howard played the Star Trek theme.
Howard played the Facts of Life theme and the Miami Vice theme. Jon said that the Facts of Life was written by Alan Thicke. Howard played the Beverly Hillbillies theme and said that's really good too.
Howard said the best character ever was Jethrine on The Beverly Hillbillies. He said he was the first known drag queen on TV. Ralph said he was just in a wig and not shaved. Howard said he has proven the theory that The Jeffersons was the best theme song ever.
Jon said he has two more. He said The Twilight Zone. Howard said that's the best without a vocal. He said it's the best instrumental. Ralph said how about the Rockford Files. Robin said that show was no good and the theme sucked.
Jon said how about Game of Thrones. Howard said it's not the best. Howard had Fred play the Twilight Zone. Howard said the best TV theme song was The Jeffersons. Robin said how about All in the Family. Howard said that was good too. He said The Jeffersons was perfect. Jon said it's funny how they know hundreds of theme songs. Howard said he could do this all day. He said he loves it.
Ralph asked about the Banana Splits. Howard asked Fred to find that one. Ralph knew the lyrics to that. Fred played the song. Robin said she knows this. She said she didn't know what Ralph was doing.
Howard said he thinks he's established that The Jeffersons was the best. He took a call from a guy who said WKRP had a good theme song. Howard didn't remember that one. Jon knew the song so he sang it. Fred played the song after Jon sang it. Howard said this is pretty bad actually.
Jon said how about the Mary Tyler Moore show theme. Howard asked Fred to find that. Fred said he found it but you have to wait for the computer. He played the song and Howard said that every guy wanted to fuck her. Robin said they wanted her on the Dick Van Dyke show. Howard said he loved how she wasn't able to get a date. He said everyone was in love with her. Howard said it's still not as good as The Jeffersons.
Howard took a call from the Hulk who was asking about the theme to his show. Howard said this was a great song too. He said Bruce Banner had a sad life and this song put it all together. Robin said he's going a long way to make it better. Howard said this is up there with the non-vocals. Hulk said that It's Garry Shandling's Show was great too.
Howard took a call from fake Chris Matthews who said he's missing a big one. He said it's the Hardball show on MSNBC. He played that for Howard. Howard asked if he's going to watch the debates tonight. Chris said he will and went into a rambling rant about that. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from Jon Hein audio book and the guys had Jon singing the Laverne and Shirley theme. Howard tried to say something but the guys kept playing the audio. Real Jon was laughing on the microphone in the office. Howard asked how long it took Jon to write this. Jon asked them to keep it down because this is interesting stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was thinking about the COPS theme. Howard said that is a good one. He sang some of that. He said that's good. Robin said not as good as The Jeffersons. Fred played some of the song for him. Howard said he should play Robin's new song. He said Robin went into the studio yesterday. Howard said he thinks he has proven his point about the theme.
Fred said how about Secret Agent Man. Howard said come on. Fred played the song and Howard said you can't go by the charts. Fred had said the song was on the charts.
Ralph asked about Lost in Space. Robin asked if he saw the new season of that show. Howard said he did.
Ralph asked how many seasons of Picard he saw. Howard said he saw a few. He said he was watching it but went on to something else on Netflix. Ralph said he zoned out after 4 episodes. Jon said people aren't willing to wait if you're doing a streaming thing.
Howard said he likes this Picard show on CBS All Access. He said he forgets about that and watches Netflix instead. He said they're off their fucking rocker. Ralph said if it was great you'd wait for it.
Howard played the Lost in Space theme. He said it's not all that great. He hung up on Ralph after that.
- Robin Returns To Singing. 02/19/20. 9:10am
Howard said the world never recovered from when Robin retired from singing. He said it was in November of 2018 when she quit. He said she didn't like the note she got from her producer Derek. He said he has to play that conversation. He played a clip where Robin announced her retirement.
Howard said Robin, like the Who, wasn't able to stay out of retirement. He said she came back. He said they talked about people singing the National Anthem and Robin was inspired to do something. He said he played a clip of John Popper playing harmonica and Robin wanted to add vocals to that. He said here it is. He said this is Robin with John Popper. He said the whole country was waiting for this. Howard said Robin was jiggling her throat with her finger to get a certain note out of herself. Howard played the clip of Robin singing along with John Popper. Howard was cracking up at it. He said that's not an easy song. He said Fred is standing with his hand on his heart. Howard said Colin Kaepernick finally stood for this one.
Howard had to cut it off. He said he's heard enough. He said Robin asked if she should record that. He said of course she should. Howard said Richard was saying he was afraid of her and kept his mouth shut during her performance. Robin said he did stand there and did what she told him to do. Robin said she was trying to listen to the harmonica and Derek is explaining what she's listening to. she said she can't hear because he's talking. Howard said he has to go to one of these sessions.
Howard asked if Robin will keep singing. Robin said she may come out of retirement from time to time. Howard said he's going to take a break and come back with more.
Derek came in and said he was just trying to help Robin by telling her when she was getting lost. Robin said she had it playing back again and again for a reason. Derek said he was just trying to keep the train on the tracks. Howard asked when you know it's on the tracks. Howard said Robin is Derek's Ike Turner. Derek said he thinks things went well and then she gets on the air and it all goes to hell. Derek said it was great to be back together with her. Howard said they did a great job. Howard played a little bit of Robin singing without the harmonica. He went to break after that.
- Some Calls And A New Jack And Rod Show. 02/19/20. 9:20am
After the break they played The Cranberries ''Zombie'' as they were coming back. Howard came back singing along with that. He said he's singing because Robin sang. Howard said he thinks he's ready to record with Derek. Robin said he can come in and annoy Howard. Howard said he thinks the tension is good for her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's not a very patriotic person but he wonders if when Robin sings the song it's disrespectful. He said when Roseanne did it she was very disrespectful. Robin said Roseanne grabbed her crotch so she will never do that. The caller said they don't know what she's doing in the studio. Robin said she just told him what she's doing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked for his thoughts on electric vehicles. He said he knows they're good for the planet but are they a good value. Howard said it has to be the wave of the future. Howard said he has friends who have them and they say they're fabulous. He said getting away from being dependant on oil is good. He said his friends say that it's so quiet you don't even know it's on. He said if he buys another car it's going to be electric. He said he doesn't drive that much though. He said he barely leaves the house. He said his wife said he doesn't need a new car because he doesn't go anywhere.
Howard asked the caller what he thinks about electric cars. The caller said they're good. Howard said from what he understands they're fucking great. He said that guy Elon Musk is doing great. Robin said SpaceX just sent some rocket up and it deployed some satellites. Howard said he bought Fred a ticket so he could go home. Robin said the rocket came back down and went into the water instead of where it was supposed to land. She said they need some work on that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves Howard but Fred is the unsung hero of the show. He said his impressions are great. Howard said he'll allow that today but don't call in to compliment Fred again. He said he is the unsung hero. He said he sings about him every day.
Howard said he's going to play a couple of things. He said he has a Jack and Rod Show bit that Sal and Richard did. He said they took up this woman's time by having on a child named little Donnie. He said that's Donald Trump with his voice sped up. Howard played the bit where Sal and Richard had little Donnie talking to this author about the fake news media and things like that. The guest tried to talk to Donnie but he was going on and on interrupting her with his comments.
Howard and Robin got a laugh out of it. He said that poor doctor had to deal with Little Donnie. He said he can see some potential in that character.
Howard asked who he hates more than anyone. Robin asked who. Fred played some Riley Martin clips like Hugh Jassole and things like that.
- Howard Hates TV Preachers. 02/19/20. 9:30am
Howard said he hates TV preachers. He said the whole business of saying they need money to talk to god is abhorrent. He said what Jim Bakker is up to is unbelievable. He said the guy did jail time. He said TV preachers are always trying to capitalize on a shitty situation. He said they're blaming natural disasters on things that don't have anything to do with it. He said the followers are almost retarded or slow adults. He said they're slow adults. Robin said she's not sure about that. Robin said they have a vice president who believes all of this stuff. Howard said he's not sure he sends money. Robin said they all believe in tithing.
Howard said the Corona virus has happened and now they're all trying to make money off of it. He said this guy is from Nebraska and his name is Hank Kunniman. He played a clip of Hank rambling on and on about how this virus is taking other countries and not this one.
Howard said this guy Rick Wiles runs something called True News. He said this guy thinks it's a plague that was sent by god. Howard played that clip next. Rick says that God is purging a lot of sin on this planet.
Howard said China got this virus because they eat shit that they're not supposed to eat. He said these guys go on and on.
Howard said this is another one of Rick Wiles talking about how you have to stock up and leave the big cities to avoid this shit. Howard said some of these guys conveniently sell this shit. Howard played the clip where Rick talked about moving out of town and how you should keep your lips zipped if you are moving.
Howard said many of these followers are old people who are worried about dying. He said Jim Bakker is using this to sell product. He said he has something called Silver Solution and he's saying this will help with the Corona virus. He said they claim it can kill every venereal disease and other things. Howard played a clip of Bakker talking about how this stuff kills every venereal disease. Howard asked if they have laws against this shit.
Howard said now Bakker has a new selling situation. He said of course this stuff kills the Corona virus. He played a clip where Bakker was pushing that to kill the virus. JD said the woman in the clip is a Naturopathic doctor. Howard said Bakker says that you just need this stuff to help but this woman reigns him in a bit. The woman said that it hasn't been tested on this strain of the Corona virus but it has on others. She said it kills it in 12 hours. They were really pushing this stuff. Robin asked who the other woman was. JD said that's Jim's wife. Howard said what a racket he has. He said he says he has the cure for this Corona virus. He said that woman is a Naturopath. He said she probably went in the woods to get her diploma.
Howard said Bakker claims that this silver stuff cures SARS and HIV. Howard played a clip where Jim was talking about how he wouldn't have made it without this stuff. Everyone on stage was backing the stuff saying it can kill every pathogen including SARS and HIV.
Howard said get that stuff and forget everything else. He said if Kobe had taken it he'd still be alive from crashing in that helicopter.
Howard asked if Jim is selling his own brand of silver. JD said he thinks he takes in other brands and sells it there. Howard said he spent time in jail for scamming people. He asked how you believe that guy. He said Sal is a guy who would believe this stuff. He said he had a yeast infection on his cock and nothing worked. He said then he went to a real doctor and in a couple of days it was healed up. He asked why go to a real doctor when you have Jim Bakker.
Sal got on the microphone and said that he put tea tree oil and yogurt and garlic on it. He said that was the worst. He said he let it stay out the whole night and it went bad. Howard asked how long it took after going to the doctor. Sal said he told him to take Monistat7 and it 2 days it was gone. Howard asked what the fuck is wrong with him. Robin said he does it every time.
Howard asked what the red yeast rice was for. Sal said his cholesterol was really high. He said he went to the doctor and he put him on something and it dropped by 55 percent. Howard said he loves to understand Sal because he has to be the prototype for the kind of people these guys prey on. Howard said Sal will be on this silver solution. Sal said he heard it turns your whole body blue. He said he knows about that stuff so he didn't use it.
Howard said Jim Bakker wants to meet Sal. He said he knows he could get some money out of him. Sal said he does go to the doctor now. Robin said he will still look things up on the internet. Sal said he's done with that. He said he's got a doctor now.
Howard asked if Sal is still vaping. Sal said he is but he's down to 3mg. He said he was up to 32. He said he's down to 3. Robin said he should be able to put the vape pen down. Sal said he has an oral fixation. Howard said babies have oral fixations. Sal said his wife calls it his pacifier. Howard told him to grow up. Fred played Sal off with a song parody about how he doesn't know much about anything. Howard said Sal's vape pen is charging right now.
- Howard Takes More Calls. 02/19/20. 9:50am
Howard took a call from a guy who said he woke up on New Years day and his 12 year old daughter had left a note saying that she thinks she's bisexual and she's scared. He said he and his wife were wondering what he thinks about that and if it's what they're watching. Howard asked why she would leave a note. The caller said he was wondering the same thing. The wife got on and said that she said it's something she's been struggling with and she didn't want it to change their opinion of her. Howard asked what they did. The guy said he started jumping around happy that no cock was going to be banging her uterus around. He said they have her talking with someone. He said they spoke to her. The mom said that she said she didn't want them to make a big deal out of it. She said she thought it was a joke at first. She said then she said it was her real feelings. She said they told her they'd support her no matter what. Howard said they did all the right things. He said they told her that she's feeling things and she's not sure about them yet. He said standing by her is the right thing to say.
The caller said that the day before that she had been doing a puzzle and she started to cry over it. He said he had a feeling something else was going on.
Howard said he likes that he told the kid that she won't be getting her uterus bashed in by a cock. The dad said that he was happy he wasn't being told this by a son. Howard said he should have cut this discussion off earlier.
The dad asked Robin if she ever fantasizes about John Stamos when she's smelling herself. Robin said she doesn't think about that.
Howard let the guy go after he mentioned his mom would take his temperature by his ass like Howard's mom did. He said then she'd try to put it in his mouth.
Howard said it's good that they didn't lay a trip on this kid. He said you can't do that. He said they want to be able to talk to their parents. He said look at him he's Mr. Helpful.
Howard said next Wednesday Chris Wilding is going to be searching for High Pitch Erik's cock. Howard said they also have an announcement to make. He said (Fake) Governor Jesse Ventura will be joining them for the news. Howard asked if he's there yet. He said he'll wait until after the break to find out. They went to break after that.
- Robin's News With Fake Jesse Ventura. 02/19/20. 10:00am
After the break they played Ozzy Osbourne's ''Mama, I'm Coming Home.'' Howard came back and said Ozzy has had some health problems lately. Robin said he just canceled his tour. Robin asked if he has seen Sharon's new look. Howard said Sharon went grey. He said he liked that red hair. Robin said that Keanu Reeves' girlfriend may have influenced her.
Howard said he likes this song. He let it play a little longer. He said Lemmy from Motorhead wrote the lyrics to this one. Robin said she didn't know that. She said she thought it was about Sharon. Robin said don't tell Sharon.
Howard said Governor Jesse Ventura is there. He asked if he's an Ozzy fan. Jesse said they used to go bite heads off of various water fowls together. Howard said it's great to see him. He said he must have thoughts on a lot of things. Jesse said he has third party thoughts. He said we have to ask the environment what it wants. He said there are creatures out there that they have to talk about. He said there are baby Yodas out there. He said he used to sit with Kermit the Frog and talk about the environment. Howard asked if he's going to run for president. Jesse said he's all in. Howard said it's late in the game to get into it. Jesse said he thinks he's a gambler and he looks at it like blackjack. He said there are 20 people running and he hits on 20. Howard thanked him for being there. He said he'd love to hear his thoughts during Robin's news.
Howard said many songs are coming in about Robin smelling her own vagina. He said people are taken with this. He said he has yet another song about that. He had Fred play that for her. Howard said more people have written songs about that than about the Vietnam war.
Howard said they love the fans sending email. He said they were very taken with David Spade. He said most fans agree he's one of the greatest guests of all time. Howard read some of the fan feedback about David.
Howard read some feedback about how he sent Richard to the Super Bowl. Howard said people thought it was very nice that he sent him there. Howard said people were crying over that.
Howard said Richard screaming and carrying on was also mentioned. Howard said someone said their dog ran into their kennel when they heard Richard screaming and yelling.
Howard said many listeners were touched by his analysis of the movie ''Parasite.'' He read that email and some about the halftime show. Howard said he was talking to Ralph about that and he said it was flashy but it's supposed to be flashy. Howard said it's also about the music and the music wasn't good.
Howard asked Jesse what he thought of Parasite. Jesse said that should have been the halftime show at the Super Bowl.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Jesse why they never hear anything about the mass shooting in Las Vegas. Howard asked what he would do about that if he were elected. Jesse said he'd do an investigation to find out if it was real or not. He said it was at the Mirage casino so maybe it was a mirage.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked Jesse about the Denver airport housing the doomsday bunkers. Jesse said they'll find out about that when he's elected. He said they'll put lights all over Denver. He said they'll have a military force of truth tellers in the Pentagon when he's president. Howard said he has his vote. Jesse said he's going to do a lot in the mountain time zone.
Howard asked Robin to start her news. Robin said there's a bid to put a warning label on porn sold in Utah. She said she has some audio of this senator talking about the bill and why he wants it passed. Howard said it should say ''Warning: May cause jizz!'' Robin said she's not sure what that would do having a warning on porn. Howard said it will cause your body to grow in places it doesn't usually grow. Howard said he watched porn last night and there was no label on it. Robin had Howard play the clip. The guy was saying that it will have a real consequence with real enforcement. Robin said the house passed the bill with a 60-12 vote. Robin said they say that the producers of the porn have to put in a warning about what it can do and how the youth can be affected.
Howard had fake Alex Jones on the phone because he was endorsing Jesse Ventura. Howard let the two of them go back and forth with that bit for a short time. Howard said they have to get back to news.
Robin read a story about Rosario Dawson and Corey Booker. Robin said Rosario told Corey that she's a bisexual. She hasn't had a relationship with a woman and she would rather have one with a man. Robin said this was very interesting.
Robin read a story about the State of the Gay Union address that was held on the Logo network. Robin had some audio of someone speaking at that state of the union.
Robin read a story about Joy Behar and Megan McCain going at each other on The View again. Robin said this time it was over Mayor Bloomberg running. Robin said Joy is all for it and Megan says she's not voting for either one. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Howard said you'd think that Bloomberg would appeal to someone like Megan. Robin said they just get into this shouting match on that show. Howard said he's not sure why the guy would want the job with all the money he has.
Howard took a call from fake Mitt Romney and talked to him about what he did for Valentine's day. He also voted to remove Trump in the impeachment hearings. Howard stuck with the bit for a few minutes.
Robin read had more audio from The View for Howard to play. Howard said everyone seems miserable on that show. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about what happened to Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend. Robin said they found that she was strangled before she fell 3 stories. Robin said that they have footage of the subject coming and going from the scene.
Robin read a story about the crash in the Daytona 500. Howard said Ronnie gave him an update on this. He said that the car gets pushed by another car. Robin said when you push one it's part of the race. Ronnie came in and said it's called bump drafting. He said it pushes them forward. He said they do touch. Howard asked how this works. Ronnie said this guy was leading and the two drivers behind are bumping each other to catch up. He said once they get past the leader then the other guy can swing out and try to win the race. Howard asked if they team up to bump draft. Ronnie said they do that on super speedway tracks. He said they can speed together until the last corner and then they can try to get out in front. He said Newman tried to block them and they were going to fly by him. Howard asked why he would want to be in front. Ronnie said that it's like a small freight train and they can fly right by him. He said it's all of the aerodynamics.
Howard said Ronnie told him about his Valentine's day. He asked him to tell him what happened. Ronnie said they don't usually go out on Valentine's day. He said he calls it amateur night. He said Stephanie usually cooks. He said she rarely does it anyway. He said she made this shrimp dish with pasta. He said they had this cake thing that was nice. He said he was watching the news and he didn't realize that she went in and changed and came out in an outfit with black bikini panties and a black top and black boots. He said he loves boots. Ronnie said she came out in the boots and he didn't even know it. Ronnie said he was watching the news and she tells him dinner is ready. He said he was like ''Whoa!'' He said he boned up and they went at it and that was that. He said it was pretty quick.
Howard said he painted a picture for Beth. Ronnie said he wrote a poem for Stephanie. He said she said he never writes one for her so he did it while she was at work. He said he shut everything off in the house and came up with a poem. He said it took him about 2 hours to write it. He said it was all about her. He said she can share it with them if she wants. He said she put it in a frame and hung it. Howard asked how many curses are in it. Ronnie said none. He said he didn't curse once. He said he wrote about her eyes and hair and things like that. He said that was the whole deal.
Howard and Fred came up with their own parts of the poem for Ronnie. They were cursing up a storm. Ronnie said he didn't curse. Howard said he has to hear this poem. Robin said someone call Stephanie and ask if they can read it.
Howard said he painted Beth a picture. He said no one was fucking over shrimp though. He said they had a nice Valentine's day. He asked Beth why he didn't get laid that day. She was tired. He said they had sex the next day. Ronnie said he should have done it right after he gave her that painting. He said he has to take her like a caveman.
Howard said the painting was very small like 5x7. He said he and Beth had put their names in cement and it was covered over by slate and stone. He said a friend took a picture of the cement and he took that and painted it. He said she seemed very moved by it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is a moron with the NASCAR accident. He said Ryan Newman went down to block. Ronnie said he said that. He called the caller a moron. Ronnie said he told Howard he went down to block. The caller said the bump drafting happens all the time during the race. He said it's not just the end. Fake Jesse went off on the guy and said he can't talk to Ronnie like that.
Howard said Ronnie had some Valentine's day. He said he has it going on over there in that place. Robin said he can't figure out how to marry that girl. Ronnie said he'll figure it out. He said he has to figure out when the time is right. Robin asked what he's waiting for. Ronnie said they have stuff going on.
Howard asked how many drafts he went through. Ronnie said he kept starting and stopping. He said he would rip it up and restart it. He said he knew what he wanted to say in his head. Howard said he should have picked and chosen what he wanted to write.
Howard asked if he writes in all caps. Ronnie said sometimes. He said he has shit handwriting. Fred made up some stuff Ronnie could have said. Howard asked if he spell checked. Ronnie said he thinks he spelled it all right. He said he got a card with a cat on the front of it and saved it for when he did this poem. Howard said he's Mr. Romance over there. Robin said he's planning ahead.
Howard said he's a lucky man. He said he rides in the back of the car and hears these stories and his head spins. He said he likes that she didn't tell Ronnie she was going to do this. Ronnie said he couldn't see what was going on in the dining room. He said she kept the lights out too. He said she had a little black top on and he saw her ass in the bikini bottom. He said it was exposed like bikini bottoms. Ronnie said it was like bikini underwear. Howard asked if he chubbed up right away. Ronnie said he did. He said it took him by surprise.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is sounding really rapey right now. He said that usually you want to ask someone before you have sex with them. Robin said she was giving him the sign. Howard said he isn't sounding rapey right now.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is just repeating what the NASCAR announcers are saying. Ronnie asked him to explain it better then. The caller said he was hit on the side too. He said it wasn't team work. Ronnie asked what he's talking about. Fake Jesse helped Ronnie out by going off on the caller for him.
Howard asked if Ronnie fucked her with her boots on. Ronnie said no doubt. He said she told him to get his drink and he got up and grabbed her. He said he dragged her into the bedroom. Howard asked if he laid her down on the bed. Ronnie said he did. He said he took her panties off. He said he didn't care at that point what was going on. Howard asked if he took her from behind. Ronnie said he did some other stuff first. Howard said he went down on her. Ronnie said right. Robin said this could be the best sitcom of all time. Howard asked how long he spent down there. Ronnie said it wasn't long. He said they went right at it. He said she likes when he takes her like that. Howard said then he went down on her and put his penis inside. Ronnie said that's right. He said then they went and ate dinner.
Howard asked if she kept those clothes on. Ronnie said she got into yoga pants and a tank top. He said he loves her in that. He said last night she was wearing that with a white tank top and no bra on. He said she said she was all lit up so she had to grab a sweatshirt. Howard asked if they did it just the once on Valentine's day. Ronnie said it was just once.
Howard asked Jesse what he thinks about this. Jesse said he's not afraid to be aggressive but he likes to be put in the Camel Clutch too.
Howard asked Ronnie if he's going to have plans for St. Patrick's day. Ronnie said they'll be away. He asked if he's allowed to talk about that. Howard said he can talk about whatever he wants. Ronnie said someone very nice gave him an all expense paid vacation to Puerto Rico. He said hopefully there won't be an earthquake. He said the nice person who did that is sitting behind the desk there. Howard said it was Ronnie's 70th birthday and he had to do something. He said he heard about this nice resort so he's sending him there. Ronnie said he got all choked up over that. Howard said he did tell him he had something in the works for him.
Robin said Howard is like Santa over there. Howard said he was just thinking about how good a guy Ronnie is. He said he's always there for him and he's a good man. He said he loves the guy. Ronnie said he was really taken back. Robin said he loves his trips with Stephanie. Howard asked if he's bringing his cock rings. Ronnie said of course he is. He said he has them in his travel bag all the time. He said he has some backups too. Howard said he does that with his Metamucil. Ronnie said they have a new one to try out. He said he can't wait to try them.
Howard said Ronnie is a very sexual guy. He thanked him for coming in. Ronnie said it was a great gift. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard asked Robin if she has more in the news. Robin said the President handed out a bunch of pardons yesterday. She said this is another round of pardons and clemency that the President saw on FOX News. Robin said a lot of the people were frequent guests on FOX News. She said they're promoted by FOX News personnel. Robin said the list came out yesterday and people are asking ''why now?'' She said that it's hitting close to what the President was accused of and he's putting it in the light of judicial overbearance. Robin read about some of the people that were on that list. She had some audio of Trump talking about Rod Blagojevich and how he commuted his sentence. Robin said many people have been given harsh sentences for things that are legal now. Robin said they're not on FOX News so the President isn't interested in them. Robin said they're the people who are nice to him. Howard asked Jesse if he would pardon people. Jesse had a list of people that he'd pardon. Many of them were fellow former wrestlers.
Robin read a story about the sanctuary city battle Trump is having with New York. Robin said they're blocking global entry into New York now. Robin said they don't agree with how New York is sharing information with the government so you can't get out of the airport quickly when you come in through New York.
Robin read a story about Michael Bloomberg taking part in the debate tonight. Robin said he says he will sell his company if he becomes president. Robin said that's what many people do when they run. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how in the polls they're saying that Bernie Sanders has a big lead over the other democrats in Nevada. Robin said Bloomberg isn't on the ballot there.
Robin read a story about how the David Byrne Broadway show has extended once again so you still have time to see it. Howard said he was going to go but he chickened out. He said the thought of being out of his house for 2 hours was scary. Robin had some audio of some of his songs from the musical. Robin said they say that 10 of their staff members have seen the show. Robin said he will be the musical guest on Saturday Night Live on February 29th.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard wrapped up with fake Jesse Ventura. He spent a minute talking to him about a few things. He asked who he would go see if he was going to a comedy show. He screwed up and said Eddie Peppitone. Howard said he was trying to give him a plug. He eventually got one in for James Adomian... who did the voice of Jesse. Howard ended the show around 11:10am.