- Vacation Replay Shows - Day 1. 11/20/17. 7:00am
Howard is off for the Thanksgiving holiday. They're replaying segments from the last year or so this week. Here's what they played today:
- High School Hookup - March 29, 2017. 11/20/17. 7:00am
First up on today's replay show they played a segment where Howard talked about a high school hookup he had. Here's my rundown from that day:
Life On The Set Of A Movie. 03/29/17. 7:00am
Howard started the show talking about how he's not in good spirits this morning. He was up at 2 in the morning. He was ready to go to work and that's the worst when he has to be there at 7. He said he tried to go back to sleep but just watched TV. He watched Supergirl and ''Between a Rock and a Hard Place'' with The Rock. Howard said they give these kids a second chance in boot camp and yell at them. He said The Rock says he was a bad ass as a kid and he was sent to jail a few times. He went to boot camp and he got straightened out. Howard said they need to let you get to know the kids a little bit more than they do.
Howard said he also watched Supergirl and he's angry at himself for that. Howard said it's not that good. He said Supergirl is hot. He said she's hot in a way that you think she's not that hot but she is hot. Robin didn't think she was that hot. Howard said her name is Melissa Benoist and she just left her boyfriend for the guy who plays her boyfriend on the show. Howard said he saw pictures of her frolicking in the ocean with this guy. Howard said he wondered why the guy had to get dumped for this guy. Jason said that both of them got out of relationships to date. Howard said they're on a TV show and it's all exciting. Howard said this guy won't be able to keep it up after that show ends. Jason said the guy was dating a girl he met on the set of the last TV show he was on. He said that Melissa's husband was also her co-star on Glee. Howard said that's just not right.
Robin said everyone doesn't need to be in the perfect relationship of their lives. Howard said he thinks you should stay with that person. Robin said they should tell a lot of other stars that. Robin said on Felicity the star of that show had an affair with a co-star and now she's had a baby with the guy she co-stars with on The Americans.
Howard said you fall in love on the set of a movie. He said that's what happened when he did Private Parts. Howard said it's so great to be on the set of a movie. Robin said Howard had a nanny there. Howard said she had a diaper bag with everything he needed. Howard said he'd say he felt drained and she'd take out something to wipe him down with. He said she had a cool cloth in there. Robin said it was like a halter. Howard said it was so awesome. Robin said she was a sweet girl. Howard said she was great. He said he should have Gary carry a diaper bag for him. He told Gary to go out and get one and load it up with things he might need. Robin said she remembers one day Howard was hot and she whipped out a fan out of that bag.
Howard said there were hot girls around on the set too. He said the makeup girls were hot. He said you can have anything you want on the set of a movie. He said you believe you can have anything you want. Robin said they built him an apartment on the set. Howard said he was living there and shortly after that he was divorced. Howard said the guy who sat outside his door there on the set ended up writing a big movie. He said that was Eli Roth. He said it was crazy.
Howard said you get sucked into this life where you think your shit doesn't stink. He said what he wants is to be treated like a baby. He said he should have done that and hired someone to walk around with a diaper bag.
Howard said he has been offered other movies. He said he knows it won't be like it was when he was doing his own movie. He said if he does another one it won't be that great. Robin said he might have to find his own dressing room. Howard said at America's Got Talent he got a lot of treatment. He said he had a lot of that. He said if you're there and they're pushing you around in a baby stroller with a diaper bag the world isn't going to be like that.
Howard said if he told the real story of his life that shows how warped things are from being famous people wouldn't believe it. He said they're some fucked up stories. He said it really is crazy. He said he'll never tell those stories. He said he has 3 daughters that keep him level headed and sane. He said the most normal thing on the set was Jenna Jameson walking around naked at the Craft Services table. Howard said he let her cut in front of him. He said when she looks that good it's just crazy. He said that was the most normal thing.
Gary said he was there one day when she was wearing a kimono and she left it open asking people how she looked.
Howard said you get that treatment and you start to feel that the bad feelings inside are wrong and maybe you are special. He said it makes you cuckoo. Howard said it is something great.
Howard said he got some good treatment on the set of America's Got Talent. He said he has seen some people take advantage of that and they have no right to do it. Howard said there were some people there like that. He said they were pulling bullshit. He said they weren't that famous anymore and they should get a grip. Robin said that you shouldn't be grinding people under your heel.
Howard said no one there at the radio show kisses his ass. He said there's no worry about that. He said he has to work with Benjy.
Howard said that they were talking about Russell Crow yesterday and how he had gained weight. One of the fans went to him trying to start shit saying that he was goofing on the guy. Howard said Russell wrote something back in the tweet and said that he can bench press young Howard and Howard can't say the same. He said he found that funny.
Howard's Story About Making A Girl Cry. 03/29/17. 7:20am
Howard said he was reading about this Melissa Benoist and she was wearing a giant bikini thing. He said it has those mom underpants looking thing. He said she's a little young for that. Robin said maybe she didn't know that he was going to see that. Howard said she knew. Howard said he was a little disappointed in that. Howard said he got annoyed that she fell for her co-star on that show. Robin said he should think that's a stupid thought and he should get out of his head. Howard said that's what his psychiatrist says too. He said he never gets that far. Howard said he was super annoyed at Supergirl.
Howard said he thinks that chick is super hot. Robin said maybe that's like a retro bikini. Howard said his wife wears a bikini and there's practically nothing on. He said that's a bikini. He said that's what the guy who designed the bikini had in mind. Robin said that's not what he had in mind. Howard said Supergirl doesn't need a momkini.
Jason came in and said this thing is driving him crazy too. He said she doesn't belong with this guy. Jason said that she can do better. Jason said their chemistry on screen is really good and you can tell they were dating before they announced it. Howard said he likes that the sister of Supergirl is a lesbian. Howard said they should be fingering each other on the show. He said he wonders what they're doing in bed. Jason said they were in her apartment in the latest episode and he was just wondering what's going on in that bed. Robin said it's a TV show so nothing is going on.
Howard said he watched Ellen's show and she wonders what she's up to with Portia. Howard said it's getting creepy talking about this with Jason. Robin said it sounds like the two of them aren't getting any. Howard said he and Beth did it a lot over vacation. Howard said she was very much into him over vacation. He said he was very attentive. He said it paid off in spades. Howard said she barely cried during sex. Robin said that's so sweet. Howard said it wasn't the bucket of tears he's used to. He said that actually only happened once to him back in high school. He said this chick was so hot. He said she was movie star hot. Howard said it was like he was in a dream. He said he's tried to see what she looks like now but he can't find her on Facebook. Howard said he only banged her once. Howard said they got high in his garage and he made her a Whisky Sour in the garage. He said he had to make sure his parents didn't find out he was smoking weed.
Howard said his mom got a job and he met this super hot chick. Howard said she was blond with big titties. He said she had blonde pubes. He said that was real too. He said that she was so hot. He said she didn't go to his high school so she didn't know he was a loser. Robin asked how he met her. Howard said he met her at a party. He said he thinks she thought he was a drug dealer and she was turned on by that. He said no one was able to alert her that he was a douche because she didn't go to his school. He said he had douche written all over him though.
Howard said this was one of his best nights and it was one of her worst nights. Howard said there were two girls and both were hot. He said they were fighting over him at the party. Howard said imagine that. Robin laughed. Howard said they were fighting and he wondered what fucking planet he was on. Howard said he looks like a bug. He has no idea how that happened. Howard said he had only gotten laid once at this point. He said he had to choose from the two girls and this is the one he chose. Howard said he tired to impress her by putting on some Neil Young. He said they started to mess around and he realized he was going to bang the hottest chick ever. Howard said she had a blonde bush and it was so cool. He said no one shaved like they do now.
Howard said he knew he was supposed to go down on the girl but he didn't know what he was doing. He said they had a small discussion and he put on a condom and came as he was going in. He said he told her maybe they shouldn't do this and she agreed. Then she started crying saying she misses her boyfriend. She wanted to call him in college in another state. Howard said he was freaking out his dad was going to see that. He said he told her to maybe call when she gets home. Howard said he drove her home after that.
Howard said he shot his load in about 3 seconds. He said after that each situation was worse than the next. He said he convinced himself that girl was crazy. He said she was talking about her boyfriend in front of him.
Fred had Neil Young playing so Howard talked about how great he is. He said he loves everything Neil did. Howard said he has a reaction to this song. He said he cums every time he hears it. He said she almost ruined that song for him.
Howard said you get older and you realize that the nightmare will be over soon. He said he has that to look forward to. He said maybe there's something after this.
Howard And Fred's Hit Song? 03/29/17. 7:30am
Howard said he had a bunch of meetings there yesterday. He said they have some plans for some stuff. Howard said he pitched an idea for Jeff the Drunk and everyone seemed to like it. He said if you don't like something then you get fired so of course they all liked it. Howard said they actually do tell him he has bad ideas if he does.
Howard said he's writing a new song with Fred. He said they're seriously writing a hit song. Fred said he's not sure it's a hit. He said he was talking about how he thinks he could have a hit song if he did it like the song Funky Cold Medina. Howard said he told Fred to go home and write a song like that. Fred said they should call Young MC because he wrote that for Tone Loc. Howard asked what ever happened to that guy. Robin said he produces a lot now.
Howard said Fred sent him a song in the email and it's pretty good. Howard said Fred wrote some words but he doesn't want that stuff about him being King of All Media. Howard said he wants it to be something else. Howard said he's taking Fred's music and he'll write the lyrics. Howard said he was sitting and thinking but nothing was happening. He said he was so desperate for lyrics that he became jealous of Beetlejuice. Howard said Beet is a better writer than he is. Howard said he just sings about ''Kango in the jango'' or something. He played one of Beet's songs. Howard said he's so free with his lyrics. Howard said that's what he should be able to do. He said he's too uptight to write that stuff.
Howard had another Beetlejuice song where he sings about getting his dick sucked. Howard said he was writing stuff for Fred's music. Fred played some Beetle's music and Howard got pissed about John Lennon getting killed by that dick head. Howard said he's mad at John for not doing the show. Howard said that asshole Mick Jagger should do the show too. He said he should come in there and talk about music. Howard told him to come in there, stupid. He said he loved that story Craig Ferguson told about saying ''You're adorable'' when he met Mick for the first time. Howard said Mick can come in there any time but he's just being a shit.
Howard said he sat with Fred's music and came up with a little something. He said he told Fred what they're going to have to do is sit in the same room. Howard said he might have to just riff. Howard said it might not be worth it if he has to do that with Fred. Howard said they're going to jam a little bit. Howard said maybe he doesn't want a hit song.
Gary said John Oates was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He said he was talking about how he could write a song with Howard in 30 minutes if he comes up with a title. Howard said he's saying if he has a title he'll help him with it? Gary said he said he could have a song for him in 30 minutes if he comes up with a title. Howard asked if John can play drops so he can get rid of Fred.
Howard said that's an enticing deal. He asked if he wrote with Daryl Hall. Gary said he did. Howard said he thought that Daryl said he wrote most of that stuff. Howard said he's confused. Howard said they're touring with Tears for Fears this summer. Howard said he likes those guys. He said he may not take him up on that offer though. He said that style may not work for him. He said he may have to work with someone else. Howard said he'll never forget when he had Papa John Phillips on the show and Steven Tyler was on the same day. Howard said John had written some part of Kokomo and Steven Tyler said to John that they should write a song together and John said ''No, I don't think so.'' Howard said that guy was out of his fucking mind.
Howard said he was sitting and giggling at his computer yesterday. He said he was working on his song and he did write some parts for it. Then he realized it was part of anther song. He said he came up with it but it was another song. Howard said it was coincidence though. He said he was at the computer for 3 hours trying to come up with something. He said it was all trite.
Howard asked Steve Brandano if he has the lyrics that he sent him. Gary said he's not in the office this second. Howard said he was journaling for a few days and he one of his morning pages was lyrics to a song. Howard said it was very heavy. He said maybe he could jam those into this riff that Fred wrote.
Howard asked if Will read the song. Will said he hasn't read it in a while. He said he remembers it being dark though. Howard said it's about OCD. He said the song is called OCD actually.
Steve Brandano came in and said he can see it working with a dark group. Steve said some group like Nine Inch Nails. Howard said maybe he should send them to Trent and have him write a song. Howard said this is a very heavy song he's written. Howard asked if they're still making music. Steve said they're on tour this year actually.
Jeff The Drunk Calls In. 03/29/17. 7:45am
Howard said he was talking to Jeff the Drunk yesterday about this idea he has for him. He said now Jeff is going to call in every day asking when it's going to happen. Howard said it's a long way off. Howard had Jeff on the phone and Jeff asked why he told him to keep his calendar open. Howard said he was joking because he has no calendar. Howard asked what he has going on. Jeff said he has a birthday and he might be going somewhere. He said he's going away in July too. Robin said that's when they were going to do it. Jeff said he might be going away in August. Howard said it will probably be in the fall so he doesn't have to worry.
Shuli came in and said that Jeff calls him every day. He said he's also on the offensive with the trolls lately too. Jeff said he doesn't call every day. Howard asked what's going on. Shuli said he's looking to get a private investigator to look into the trolls. Howard asked Jeff what he's going to do with that information. Shuli said there are people who email him and tell him what they're going to do and it's fucked up shit. He said they're sending in the cops and people around him where he lives. Howard said Jeff is going to get someone to do the same to them and turn the tables on them. Shuli said he's going to see what their employers think of what they're doing. Jeff said they're harassing him and it's not right. He said he's just going to give their information to the authorities.
Shuli said the big hit he took recently was this pizza place he gets stuff from. He said he thought the trolls had nixed this one outlet that was bringing him stuff. Jeff said things are fine there now. Jeff said Shuli is fucking things up as always. Shuli said he told him that the pizza place thing was fucked up. Jeff said he did.
Howard said he has a guy named Dick Daniels on the phone who is a private investigator. Howard took the call from one of the guys in the back playing the role. Dick said he can help Jeff out with the trolls. He said he'll do whatever it takes to help him out. Howard said Jeff hung up as soon as he took the call. He spent a minute talking to Dick about what he's willing to do for Jeff.
Howard said Jeff is back. He picked up and Jeff said fuck this guy. Howard said his name is Dick Daniels. Jeff asked ''What the fuck Howard?'' Jeff hung up again a few seconds later. Dick had some lounge music playing behind him. Howard asked if Jeff was there. Jeff was gone. Dick said this is a waste of his time.
Howard said he heard that Jeff is wearing his Superman t-shirt this morning. Howard said he loves how Jeff calls and then hangs up. Robin said he gets so offended.
Howard said Jeff is back. He picked up again and said that he has to describe his dick to get Dick to work with him. Dick said he had trolls but he got rid of all of them. He said he just has to suck his dick. He said they can 69. Jeff asked Howard what the fuck he's doing. Dick said Jeff just has to lick his taint and balls. He said he can pay him with Jizz. Jeff said this is almost as stupid as the Richard Simmons bit. Jeff told Dick to start with Shuli and fuck him. Jeff and Dick went back and forth for a short time. Howard let Dick go a short time later.
Howard said they got a new phone system that just doesn't work. He tried hanging up on Dick but he hung up on both of them. Howard said they have to get that working. He said it's fucking him up. He said he's not sure what was wrong with the old system. He said he could work it. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
- Neil Patrick Harris - January 11, 2017. 11/20/17. 8:00am
Next up on today's vacation replay show they played a Neil Patrick Harris interview. Here's my rundown from that day:
Neil Patrick Harris Visits. 01/11/17. 9:00am
After the break they played a Mariann from Brooklyn Happy Birthday song for Howard. They also played a phony phone call Memet made to Tan Mom asking her to jump out of a cake she'd be baked in and some other crazy things. They played Disturbed ''The Sound of Silence'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that Neil Patrick Harris is there. Howard said Neil has a new series on Netflix. He said it's called ''A Series of Unfortunate Events.''
Neil said he heard the thing with Ronnie and hearing him talking about his clit and squirting was disgusting. Howard asked if Neil has ever done hypnosis. Neil said he doesn't believe in it. Howard said he swears that they don't set anything up. Howard said Ronnie says that Scott just does his thing and it works. Howard said he thinks it works. Howard said Scott takes him into a room for an hour before. Neil said it was just so disgusting and they weren't able to get him to cum. Howard said if they set it up they could have gotten him to cum. Robin said she thinks Ronnie really was out of it. Howard said he thinks he was too.
Neil said he's had quite a day today. He said at 2:30 in the morning he got a call from the alarm company because the flood alarm went off in the basement. He said he lives in a Brownstone in Harlem. Howard asked if he's accepted there in Harlem. Neil said he thinks so. He said they have two hair braiding places on the sides of the building. He said that they like them.
Neil said that the middle floor of their building has a broken pipe. He said in the basement there was 6 or 7 inches of water. He said he was still asleep and he called the contractor who knows where the shut off is. He said since 4:15 this morning he's been drying things. He said that it was the weather that did it. He said they winterized the outside pipes and he thinks that something burst because of the weather. He said it could have been a lot worse.
Howard said they had a thing at their house where the toilet cracked and water poured all over the place. Neil said he got a Squatty Potty. He said he doesn't like it so much. Howard said he thinks it's terrific. Neil said he may have gotten one that's too high. Neil said he pulls his pants down above the knee. Howard said he pulls his down to his ankles. He said he has to balance his underpants while using the Squatty Potty. Robin said there is a 7 inch and a 9 inch Squatty Potty. Neil said he thinks he got the 9 inch.
Howard asked Neil if he ever thinks about a job outside of show business. He said he's got to be thinking about jobs all the time. Neil said he started so young in the industry. He said he was 12 going on 13 when he started it. He said he started with a movie with Whoopi Goldberg called Clara's Heart. Howard said he went on the audition and got it. Neil said it was so outside of the normal world. Howard asked if he keeps in touch with her. Neil said he does. He said they see each other and have a thing. He said he has a special bond to her. Howard said he thinks it's amazing.
Howard said Neil was at acting camp and he got that job right out of camp. Neil said he does have a short attention span and he likes to change up the jobs he has. Howard asked who helps him out with that stuff. Neil said he has agents. Howard asked if he was in a panic after Doogie Howser. Neil said he doesn't know about a panic. He said that movies and TV were different worlds though. Howard asked if he would do a remake of Doogie Howser. Neil said he thinks that it would be a bad idea. He said he's 43 years old now and that show was about a kid doctor. Howard said he thinks that Doogie could invent something really cool. Neil said he's not sure they'd need to use Doogie in the name. He said the name of the show was kind of weird too. Howard said he could have gotten stuck in that role and been like that Fred Savage kid.
Howard asked what it's like to do a movie and then go back to high school. Neil said it was more weird than being an outcast. He said he lived in a small town in New Mexico and he ended up moving to a new town so there was a new school he was going to. He said he didn't have to deal with the awkward thing.
Howard asked if he was auditioning for school plays and being like that guy who was in a movie so why am I doing a play. Neil said he was just looking for normalcy.
Neil said he just wanted to hang out with normal kids. Howard said he should have lived in Los Angeles. Neil said he did move back to New Mexico for a while. He said he was smoking pot and drinking underage. He said the only gigs he was getting were movies of the week. He said he figured he'd just go home to New Mexico. Howard asked if he was a burn out. Neil said not really. He said he just went back to his normal life. Neil said he was 19 or 20 and he had a fake ID and he'd go to clubs and go out drinking and smoke dope during the day waiting for auditions.
Howard said he thinks that Neil doesn't look like Doogie. Neil said he still walks down the street and they call him Doogie. Howard said he thinks he grew out of that face. Robin said she thinks he just grew up in a nice way and aged nicely. Howard said he's not sure what Fred Savage is doing now. Neil said that he's working with John Stamos. Robin said it's Rob Lowe actually. Howard said he doest' think Neil looks like Doogie anymore. Neil thanked him for that.
Howard said they're talking about how Neil might replace Michael Strahan. Neil said he thinks it would be a fun gig. Howard said he's done with that show ''A Series of Unfortunate Events'' so will he do that show. Neil said he doesn't really want to do that show. He said it's fun to go in and co-host once in a while. He said he gets to do other work all the time. He said he wouldn't want that gig because it's every day. Howard said he can do an hour a day and then go act. Neil said he feels like it's the same thing as doing late night. He said before Stephen Colbert got his show there was some talk of him doing it. He said that's not what he's looking for.
Neil said he loves magic and juggling and things like that. He said he loves that and he wanted to do a variety show. He did that. Howard said he thinks that kind of thing is over. Neil said that Howard did America's Got Talent and that's a variety show. Howard said he thought of it as a game show. Neil said he likes that kind of show. Howard said if he did the Kelly Ripa job he'd have a nice gig. Neil said then he can't go and do other things. Neil said if he's asked to be in a movie that he has to fly off to do he wouldn't be able to do it. Neil said that Scott Wolf is good on Kelly's show. He said that he's a friend of theirs too. He said that Scott is great on the show and he has a wife named Kelly too so he's used to Scott and Kelly.
Neil said that Beth helped them get their new dog. He said they got this puppy from Thailand. He said it won't stop shitting and pissing everywhere in their place. He said he blames Beth. Howard said he's seen his chaotic lifestyle. Howard said the kids are full of piss and vinegar. Howard said he's taking on a dog now. He said they don't have time to train a dog. Howard asked when he's going to do that. Neil said that's true. Howard said it's more parenting than a child. Howard said he told him this too. Neil said the dog is so cute though. He said their other dog died and the kids wanted a new dog. Howard said Beth came to him about the dog. Howard said he said that they can't even take care of two kids never mind a dog. Howard said that those two were ready to snap. He said this is what he says to Beth in private.
Howard said that Neil has to have the dog trainer come to his house. Neil said they sort of did that. Howard said he has to listen to him. He said the guy is going to train Neil and his husband how to train the dog. Howard said he's too busy being a parent and an actor. Neil said the crate training is tough. He said the dog is barking like crazy when it's in the cage. Howard said he trained Fred like that and you don't see any shit on the floor.
Howard said he knew this was going to happen. Neil said they did all the right stuff yesterday. He said the dog was inside and it shit on the floor. Howard said they have to feed consistently. Neil said they are doing that. Howard said he doesn't like what he's saying but it's true. Neil said he grew up in New Mexico and they just had a dog. Howard said he wasn't aware that his parents were taking care of the dog. Howard said he has to be trained with his husband. Neil said that David is at his wits end.
Howard asked if Neil is being called NPH now. Neil said that he didn't know that. He said that he did try to get NPH.com but it's a web site that sells religious literature.
Howard asked if they're going to make a show called ''How I Met Your Father.'' Neil said he heard that. He said that could be a cool idea. He said he liked the story structure of ''How I Met Your Mother.''
Howard asked if he has stopped hosting shows like the Emmys and Oscars. Neil said you don't try to get those jobs. He said he was on a CBS show and he'd be asked to do it. He said that James Corden is doing it now because he's on CBS. Howard asked if he compares himself to these hosts. Neil said he watched the Golden Globes with his friends in L.A. and he knows the process of making it. He said he watched it in two ways. He said he wondered about how they were doing it and he wasn't passing judgment on it. He said he was more empathetic. Howard asked if he was relived he wasn't there. Neil said it's a very strange and weird position to be in. He said he enjoys being there but the job is to honor the people who are nominated. He said if you do too much content then it's too much. He said if you don't do enough then it's another problem.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel is going to be hosting soon and he has to write jokes. Neil said he thinks that he's a great person to be a host of one of those shows. He said he can be like Ricky Gervais and people won't hate him. Neil said he thinks Jimmy will be great. He said it's super hard to do and you have so much material and you have to constantly think about what to cut and keep in the show.
Neil said when you're watching the red carpet you're just watching people pass judgment. He said you forget that when you're in the world it's a cluster fuck of proportions for everyone. Howard said when he did America's Got Talent he had an ear piece in and he was asked to kill time once in a while. Howard said he liked that. He said that they'd only ask him to do that. He said it's an interesting experience to have to get it done in exactly 45 seconds. Howard said they'd ask him to keep talking while he was critiquing someone. Howard said this was during the live shows of course. Howard said we don't know how difficult it is to host the Oscars.
Neil said his problem with the Golden Globes is when they come back from commercial and people are still talking in the audience. He said when Chris Pine came out he was reading and people were talking over him. He said he knows how annoying it can be. He said they ask people to be seated in 10 seconds and they just ignore it. Howard said maybe that's because people are lit from drinking alcohol.
Howard said that these guys are all growing beards too. He said Chris Pine had one. Neil said Howard has some stubble. Howard said it's just stubble though. He said it's not a beard.
Howard said the other thing about the Golden Globes is that you host and don't get much pay. Neil said that's true. He said it's fun to be there and to watch. He said that it's a lot of stress and work. He said at the end of it they just show one picture of you and talk about all of the winners. Howard asked if he reads the reviews. Neil said he thought he did a nice job on the Oscars. He said that he did a whole long runner with a magic trick and it was effective. He said that some people didn't know how they did it. He said it wasn't a great idea. He said he kept reminding people that it existed. He said at the end it fell a little flat. He said it was 3 or 4 hours of set up. He said it was a pretty amazing trick but it fell flat. Neil said he stayed up all night long because he was going to host a show the next morning. Then he looked at Twitter before he went live. He said it was 6 in the morning the next day and he read Twitter and it was just a lot of not positive stuff. then he had to go out and talk about how it went with Kelly and Michael.
Howard said a truly healthy individual would think about what a good job he did and not worry about the audience. Neil said he's hard on himself and he reads almost everything. He said not the comments so much.
Howard said he reads the press. Neil said he reads tweets too. He said if it's mostly good it's great but if it's mostly bad then you have to do something to remedy that. Howard said he has to go back and watch him on the Kelly and Michael show.
Howard said Neil shaved his head for this new Netflix show. Neil said he could have worn a thing to cover up his hair. Howard said there was a movie that Jim Carrey did with these stories. Neil said he did. He said he watched that performance and he didn't want to look like Jim doing that character. He said Jim does his thing as someone. He said Jim wasn't trying to be Count Olaf. He said he was Jim Carrey. Neil said that was just a 2 hour long movie and this is a 8 episode series for the 13 books. Neil told Howard what it's about.
Howard asked if he had to audition for the show. Neil said he didn't. He said they thought of him for the show so they asked him to do it.
Howard asked how it was working with Netflix. Neil said it's great. He said they spent a ton on the show. He said he did it for 4 or 5 months. Howard said no wonder his dog is shitting all over the house. Neil said you don't worry about commercial breaks with Netflix. He said they just let you do it. He said that's a dream come true for creative people.
Neil said Howard has to have Barry Sonnenfeld on the show because he started out working in porn. He said he has a great story about a double penetration scene. He said that the girl got sick and they had to go find someone to get it done. He said they found a girl at a restaurant who was willing to do it. He said she goes in and Barry is mouthing the camera under a table and he's down there and it goes terribly wrong in the most disturbing way. He said Barry is the best story teller. He said he told him then that he should go on and tell this story. Howard said he is immediately invited on the show if he has a double penetration story.
Howard said the reviews of Neil in this new show are very good. Howard asked how his marriage is going. Neil said they've been together almost 14 years and married for 3. He said it's going very well. Howard said it's his 10th anniversary of coming out. Howard said he probably just made that up. Neil wished Howard a happy anniversary on the woman on the speaker thing too.
Neil said that the show starts streaming on Friday the 13th. He said that Olaf is in the first two episodes. Howard asked if he watched the series. Neil said he did and he was happy with it. He said he plays 4 characters in the show. Howard asked if there is any double penetration in the series. Neil laughed. Neil said Barry would tell him some great stories.
Howard asked if he's still hanging out with Elton John. Neil said that they do sometimes. He said that they invite people to hang out with them in France. He said they've gotten to go the last few years. Howard asked who picks up the tab when they go out. Neil said that Elton does. He said they try to pay but Elton always makes sure he does.
Neil asked if Elton has ever been on the show. Howard said he was a long time ago. He said he wrote a song for him once about why he's not on TV. He said it was great. Neil said he has a show in Vegas now. He said it's so good. He said he does a 2 hour show and he does extra long versions of his songs. Howard said he saw him in a guy's living room. Howard said he was at this party and he went into the living room and there were 25-30 people there. He said Elton just came in and did an hour and a half show. Howard said he was uncomfortable being so close and watching. He said the room filled up and maybe 200 people were there. Neil said he had him at his wedding and asked him to do one song. He said they brought in a piano and a sound guy. He said he did 5 songs.
Howard said he'd feel funny asking him to do something like that. Neil said he tasked everyone at the wedding with things to do. Howard asked if he would have been devastated if he said no. Neil said not at all. He said they're super fun people to hang out with.
Neil said he does 4 different voices in the series. He said he's been thinking about Howard. Howard asked to hear some of his voices.
Gary came in and asked if he has a piano electronically connected to Elton John so he it plays whenever he plays. Neil said they do have a piano that plays on its own. He said Elton John is connected with Yamaha and you can live stream the performance. He said you see the actual keys he's playing on your piano. Howard said that must be expensive. Neil said he's not sure. He said they may be in the Beta group actually.
Howard asked Neil to do his voices. Neil did his Olaf voice and said he thinks about Howard doing that one. He wanted to be down lower like Howard is now. He said for the next voice he did Stefano and he raised it up and did an Italian accent. Howard asked if he works with an accent coach. Neil said not at all. Howard asked to speak to Stefano for a minute. He spent a little time talking to him doing that voice. Neil did another voice of a sea captain. He did a bit of a Sean Connery voice with his teeth falling out. Neil said he also plays a woman named Shirley. He did that voice sounding like Christina Hendricks from Mad Men.
Howard tried to talk to Shirley for a minute. He asked her to sit on the speaker over there. Neil said you should see her nipples.
Howard gave Neil a plug for the new show ''A Series of Unfortunate Events'' which starts streaming on Friday the 13th on Netflix. Neil said it's okay for the kids to watch too. Howard talked to Neil as Stefano again. Howard said you can see both of them throwing buckets of water out of their basement today.
Howard said a friend of his asked him to do a film recently and he was thinking about shaving his head for the part. Howard said he was going to fully commit. Howard said he told Beth about it and she said ''You're going to what?'' He said she told him he'd be miserable doing that. Neil said that he shaved his head for 23 days. He said that it made him feel really strange. He said that he looked like an alien. Howard didn't even know he presented at the Tony's with a bald head.
Howard said that Casey Affleck had a full head of hair and a beard. Howard said they cut him off in the middle of a speech. Howard said he wanted to hear him talk. He said he hates that. Neil said he does too. He said that they get behind though and they have to do that.
Howard wrapped up and gave Neil another plug for his series. Neil said there's more to come if they do more seasons of the show. Howard told Neil not to bring his dog to the house. Neil said they wouldn't let them have a cat. Howard said that's true. Neil said the kids were kind of rough with the cat. Neil said that they're getting the house in the Hampton's too. Howard said he advised him on that and some other things. Howard said he's Neil's ''goru'' as Ronnie would say. Howard went to break a short time later.
- Sex Robot - April 4, 2017. 11/20/17. 9:00am
Next up on today's vacation replay show they played a segment where Howard talked about a sex robot. Here's my rundown from that day:
Sex Robot Stories. 04/04/17. 8:00am
After the break Howard came right back and read a story about a Chinese engineer who married a robot he built. Howard said he's all for that. He said Robin read a story yesterday about a guy who wanted to marry his computer. Howard said this guy married his robot and he's looking to upgrade her to do housework. Howard said they did a whole TV show about guys like this. He said this guy is 31 years old and he works in the artificial intelligence field. Howard said he decided to do this after friends and family pestered him to get married. Howard said he looks kind of like the Chinese guys who worship that guy... He said it's like the Dalai Lama guy. Howard said his girlfriend is kind of hot. He said she looks sort of American. He said he's very Chinese and she's not. Howard said he dresses her very badly. He said she has a big head wrap and he's carrying her around.
Howard read the article about the guy and because there are so few women over there he doesn't have much choice. Howard said the guy wants the robot to walk and do household chores. Howard said she weighs about 60 pounds. Howard said that sounds about right. Howard said the reaction to this has been mixed.
Howard said they wonder if he's going to upgrade the robot to look old as he ages. Howard said he'll keep her looking young. Howard said he thinks this guy has a long term plan to be a loser.
Howard said JD would be doing this if he didn't work there. Howard said he got a woman because he works there. Howard said he has a bunch of clips from a Netflix documentary from 2010. Howard said he's been meaning to play this for a while now. He said this documentary features guys who have sex robot fetishes. Howard played a clip where they fill you in on sex robot technology. In the clip they were talking about the thousands of men around the United States who have this obsession. They had audio of a guy talking to a woman who was doing a robot voice as he told her what to do.
Howard said one of the guys talks about how he got into the female robot world. Howard played that clip and the guy was talking about how he got into it as a child. Howard said he loves how they go on TV to talk about this. Howard said the robot on Lost in Space was a big, bulky guy. Howard said that thing looked like a can opener and this guy was wondering if he could do things to it. Howard said all of these losers give themselves weird names like Delosian. Howard said JD was DaBadAss. Howard said he's just mad at JD for not giving them the exclusive with his proposal.
Howard played another clip where a guy was talking about having a Real Doll and talking about having sex with it but it's far from a FemBot. Howard said the guy pretends it's a broken robot. Howard said he should be pretending it's a real woman. Robin said how about pretending that you have a personality.
Howard played more audio of a guy talking about how it's hard to be intimate with a piece of equipment. Howard asked if the woman who married a bridge is more stable than this. Robin said they're all pretty out there. Howard said every cool invention is related to porn. Robin said it was great to get video over internet. Howard said we're going to have robots like this because of porn.
Howard said that this guy talks about his dolls having different personalities. Howard played that clip and the guy was talking about how his robot responds differently than other robots.
Howard had another clip of a guy who has a girlfriend and he photoshops her into pictures to make her look like a robot. Howard said that's pretty weird too. Howard said he'd sleep with one eye open if he was that guy's girlfriend.
Howard said Bill O'Reilly just asked if you can rub falafel on a robot's vagina. Howard had another clip of a guy talking about how he brought his girlfriend to a hypnotist to get her to act like a robot. They had audio of the hypnotist doing her thing.
Howard said he wants to know when he gets laid. Howard said imagine going to your girlfriend telling her that you want her to be a robot. Howard said he takes her to a hypnotist to get that done. Howard said he wants to meet the woman who would go along with that. Robin said she's heard some really crazy things.
Howard played audio of the guy who had his girlfriend hypnotized talking to her as a robot. Howard said ''What a creep.'' Then he had her kiss him. Robin said it's getting pretty creepy. Robin asked what they're going to do when they see the show ''Humans'' where the robots are beautiful. Howard said they're hot on Westworld too. Robin said you can command them to have sex with you. Robin said some robots are just designed for sex.
Howard said his vacuum cleaner has him in the friend zone and he hasn't fucked her in weeks. Howard said if the robots looked like Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina then they're talking something different. Robin said she might beat his ass.
Howard said he ordered a sex robot and he's going to wheel her in now. Howard had the guys bring her in. He said he's sure they'll be done with this in a few seconds. The Robot said she was initiating horniness. She said she has many ways of making losers shoot their goo. Howard said he's going to try this out. Howard said he's going to try rough sex. The robot opened up with a chain saw sound. Howard tried a Berlin special and it was the robot shitting. They had a Cosby mode where it drinks something and passes out into sleep mode.
Howard said he has Gary mode too. The robot is a teen giving anal and then shitting out Gary's load. Howard said the robot has a Ronnie Mode where it transforms into a girl who finds old men attractive. Howard asked if they've had enough of this. Howard said he has a Fred Mode too. She said that Fred creeps her out so she can't go into that mode. Howard said poor Fred is the brunt of the joke again. Fred said he's fine.
Howard asked the robot what she would do if she had to fuck Benjy. She initiated a self destruct and blew up. Howard said Richard had a fried who used to fuck a vacuum cleaner in front of him. Howard said he would advise against that. Howard said he knew a guy who almost lost his penis doing that. He said there are blades and stuff in there.
Richard came in and told Howard about this guy. He said he was the worst liar too. He said they'd be watching dirty movies and he'd say he was going to clean his room upstairs. He said they'd sneak and watch him so he didn't know they saw him doing it. Richard said he used to do the inside of paper towel rolls. Howard said that's a depraved guy. Richard said you have to do what you have to when you don't get laid for 10 years. Richard said he didn't get laid for 10 years when he was living in the storage unit. He said he had to find the right brand with the right size tube in it. He said he would lube it up and stick it in the crease of a couch. He had a futon. Howard asked if it had friction. Richard said it did. He said he didn't do anything creepy to the couch. Robin asked why he had to stick it in a couch. Richard said that way it held still. Howard said he's like a perverted MacGyver. He said that he knew a guy who had a pillow and he would put cotton and stuff around it so it felt like pubic hair and he'd fuck the pillow. Howard said that never inspired him to do anything like that. Howard said jerking off was always enough for him.
Howard said he's shocked that Richard wasn't able to get laid when he was in a rock band. He said he should have been able to get someone. Howard asked Richard if his wife is the girl he got after not having anyone for a while. Richard said that's pretty much it. He said that she knows. Howard said she might not have married him if she knew that. Howard said she does like him though. Richard said he loves her too. He said she's awesome and she's a keeper.
Robin said she wonders if he can be good in bed. Richard said he has learned some things. Howard let him go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that TMZ had a story about Mel B and how she's claiming her husband did some crazy stuff to her. There are stories about her forcing her into threesomes and things like that. Howard said he's going to keep his mouth shut about that. He said that whole fucking scene is weird. Gary said she has a whole list of allegations against the guy. He said her claim is that when she got too big he had to shut her down so he'd allegedly beat her on the nights of big events for her. Howard said he has no comment. He said he could give them a whole fucking hour on that though. Robin said she's gone to a judge about getting a restraining order for her and her kids. Howard said he's not going to say anything. He said when he was working at America's Got Talent he heard lots of things.
Gary said one of the claims is that there's a sex tape of her that he was holding against her. Howard said he'd like to see that but not if it's used in a blackmail kind of thing. Gary asked if he would rather see that or a Heidi tape. Howard said he'd rather see Heidi. He said he likes seeing famous people having sex. He said he loved the Pamela and Tommy Lee tape. He said he likes seeing celebrities having sex. He said he'd even watch a Howie Mandel sex tape. He said he was wondering what was going on with Mel B and her husband. Howard said it was a weird scene.
Howard said people think he's weird sexually but he's not. He said it turns out Roger Ailes is the weird one. Howard said the funny thing is that people who talk about sex as not a big deal, they're not hung up on sex. Howard said he doesn't get all of this nonsense that's going on. Howard said he might be the only normal one out there.
Robin said Mike Pence has weird rules about women. He won't go out and drink without his wife around. Howard said that tells you that the guy is out of control. He said he's never thought about not being able to act on something in a room with a woman. Howard said he could have 20 drinks and he'd never cheat on his wife. Robin said you want a guy who won't even think about that. She said that it's not someone you have locked in handcuffs. Robin said you lose something when you have rules like that. Howard said Trump must be freaked out by that story.
Howard said he wants to get this drug HGH. Howard said there's this guy who started using it a few years ago and he changed his aging body. Howard said he had arthritis and he started taking this stuff and all of his problems disappeared and his hair got thicker too. Howard said that sounds impressive. Howard said that's what one of those baseball guys was accused of taking. Howard said he's not sure who that was. Fred said it may have been Andy Petit. Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard read more about the HGH thing and how you can get it covered under health coverage. Howard read about what this doctor can do. Robin said you start to lose HGH when you grow up. Howard said they say that Oliver Stone, Sylvester Stallone and others have taken this according to the article. Howard read more of the article about that. Howard said he's sure that stuff will kill you. He read some of the things that you can get from taking it. Robin said they knew someone who was on that stuff and he's no longer with us.
Howard said Chelsea Handler is coming in. He said he doesn't get to see her much. He said she's West Coast. He said she went to Netflix and he wonders if she hates them now too. Robin said she was looking for something to watch and she saw her on Election night crying. Howard said she's like him and gets negative like he does after working for someone for a few years. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
- Today Show Tape - January 9, 2017. 11/20/17. 9:45am
Next up on today's vacation replay show they played a segment where Howard played a clip from the Today show. Here's my rundown from that day:
No More Recorded Messages From Howard. 01/09/17. 9:15am
Howard said he received a note, or his agent did, from the Today show and they were producing a segment about Matt Lauer's 20th anniversary and asked if he would tape something. Howard said he doesn't like doing that stuff because they cut it down. Howard said he did the recording for Matt because he's friends with him. He said he was friends with him back at NBC. Howard said he used to do the show a lot back in those days. Howard said he knows Matt and his wife Annette. He said he did the thing but he knew they'd take it and edit it down. Howard said he will no longer make tapes. He said he's saying this with peace and love. Howard said he kept trying to find the Today show clip. He said he was montaged in with a bunch of people. Howard played the clip where they had him toasting Matt. Howard said he did a minute long thing for them and they cut it down to 12 seconds. Howard said maybe it wasn't funny or cute. Howard said he's not making tapes anymore.
Howard said they had a bunch of instructions for this thing he recorded. He said that he followed it and they cut it all out. Howard played the tape he sent over to NBC for them to use. Howard did a full minute talking about Matt and 20 years of Where in the World is Matt Lauer. Howard had talked about some of the people who had left the Today show and where they are now. He was joking about all of that and that's all of the stuff they cut out.
Howard said that stuff is funny. Robin said that's not the Today show. Howard said they asked Howard Stern for a message. Howard said they didn't ask someone else. Howard said they're trying to turn him into Ryan Seacrest. Howard said they can't do that to him. He said he doesn't want to tape messages for people. He said he loves everyone but he can't be edited like this. Robin said he's saying this with peace and love. Howard said that's right. Fred played the Ringo ''Peace and Love'' clip a few times.
Howard said that he put some thought into that clip and they cut it down. Howard said they don't really want him on that show. They want Ryan Seacrest instead.
Most Searched For Porn. 01/09/17. 9:30am
Howard said he has too much to do. He said he's busy. He said he was really busy yesterday. He said he decided to play chess on the ICC. He said he felt his skills has diminished. He said he went on and played against the computer. Howard said he won in 15 moves. He said the computer was retarded. He said it was like playing Sal. Howard said his skills had diminished so much he didn't know how to use the app. Howard said he didn't enjoy himself. He said his eyes were irritated and he was upset he didn't know how to work the chess club.
Howard said he wrote some thank you notes to some people. He asked if Robin got her's. Robin said she did. She asked if Howard got her's. Howard said he did and it was lovely.
Howard said he jerked off yesterday too. He said he ran on the treadmill for 45 minutes. He said he read the article about the number 1 videos to jerk off to are the step-mother and son videos. Robin asked where he read that. Howard said he has it right there. Howard said the people from Zip Recruiter also sent over a condolence package for Joey Boots. He thanked them for that.
Howard read the article about the most searched porn thing. Howard said he thinks he's different but it turns out he's watching the most searched for porn. Howard said he thinks that it's a new idea but it's not. Howard read about some of the other popular things that people are searching for. Howard said one of them is lesbian scissoring. Howard said he watched some of that last night.
Robin asked if Howard is watching Sense8 on Netflix. Howard said he hasn't seen that yet. Robin said there's a lot of nudity in that. Howard said he watched two girls getting it on with a lollipop. Robin said on Sense8 (She kept calling it Senses8) and there's a Transgender on the show and they had some orgy scenes. Howard asked if she has feeling in her vagina. Robin said she does appear to be getting off in the scenes.
Howard said that one of the search terms was Overwatch. Jason told him that's a video game and there are a ton of porn parodies about it.
Howard read more about the top searches as if he was Casey Kasem. Howard said there's mom porn too. He said all you see is the cock from the guy's point of view. He said you just see the cock and not the son who is banging his mom. Howard read about the top 3 porn stars too. Howard asked if Lisa Ann is the girl in the fantasy football league with the guys. Gary said that's her. He said she hasn't made a new porn video in 3 years. Howard said she's in the top searches though.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said he has some vocal fry clips to play. Howard brought up Tom Chiusano and wondered what he's up to. Robin said he is playing golf and wintering in Florida. Robin said he's that ''sun bird'' guy. Howard said it's not sun bird. It's Snow Bird. Gary said he sees Tom every 7 or 8 months and he's working with cancer patients. Howard said he loved that Tom broke his hand when he got mad at his suit and punched it and hit the wall instead. Gary said Tom got so mad when Howard had that email with misspellings it in blown up and hung on the wall. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
- OJ Parole Hearing - July 24, 2017. 11/20/17. 10:20am
Next up on today's vacation replay show they played a segment where Howard talked about the OJ Simpson parole hearing. Here's my rundown from that day:
Howard Takes Some Calls. 07/24/17. 8:45am
After the break Howard came right back but said he has to take a leak. He had Fred play some stuff. Fred played a phony pone call Sal and Richard made to a Swap Shop show with clips of Gary playing trumpet to try selling the trumpet. They also played Thunderclap Newman's ''Something in the Air'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and sang along with the song Fred had playing. Howard said he fucked it all up because he's bad with lyrics.
Howard said he doesn't know why they invented button down fly. He said he loves zippers. He said he hates button down fly. He said he's not sure who invented that. He said it's not stylish at all. Howard said he's trying to get out of the bathroom and he has to button up. Howard said he loves John Varvatos pants but some of them have button down fly. He said he hates that. Howard said it's not like it's buttons that people can see. He's not sure why they would do that. He said it takes too long to get back into it. Howard said he can imagine why they had them before zippers were invented. He said maybe put a combination lock on your fly. He said make up a code.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has never had a button down fly. Howard said he was standing there thinking that he should churn his own butter too. Howard said he wants to ask John Varvatos why he would do that. Robin said he doesn't have to buy them. Howard said certain styles only come with the button. He said it's so fucking annoying. He said he has a cut on his finger tip so that makes it even more annoying.
The caller said the stock went down for Sirius during that Pete jerking off conversation. Howard said he finds that compelling. He said he drives around listening to the show and he's doing quality checks.
The caller said that Charlize Theron interview had to be the best ever. He said she is so stunning. He said that the way she talks and all of that. Howard said she's the whole package. The caller said Charlize was even cursing and it was hot. Howard said she's like every man's dream girl.
The caller asked if Howard won't stop seeing his therapist because he likes using it in his interviews. Howard said no. He said he still has problems to work through. Howard said he has major fucking problems. He said that's why he keeps going. Howard said he has issues with self loathing and intimacy issues. Howard said if he doesn't go then he hides in his room. Howard asked why he cares if he goes to the fucking therapist. Howard hung up on the guy.
Howard said he would revert to hiding in his room again if he didn't go to therapy. Robin said he likes being out though. Howard said he's traumatized. Howard said Robin needs help too but she thinks she's cured. Howard said she did say she was cured. Robin said she knows how the brain works and she tells it to shut up when it says something she doesn't like.
Howard said therapy isn't the worst thing. He said he goes twice a week. Robin said he dropped another day. Howard said he dropped it at the protest of his therapist. Howard said he doesn't think he'll ever finish if he just goes twice a week.
Howard took a call from Apples who asked if he saw Mary McCormack on Battle of the Network Stars. Howard said he didn't know she was on there. Apples said she has huge cans. Howard said he knows they're real too. Howard said he has had a discussion with her about it. Robin said Howard actually touched them in his movie. Howard said he hadn't felt anyone's titties in a long time because he was married. Howard said it was part of his process to feel her up. Robin said there was no reason to do that but he did it in the movie. Howard said that's what he does. He said that's his move. Howard said he started making out with her and put his hand on her tit. Howard said you're allowed to do that in a movie. He said he was like Daniel Day Lewis in his movie. He said he was playing Howard Stern and he stayed in character.
Howard said he did see an ad for the Battle of the Network Stars. He said he didn't care about the show when it was on in the 70s.
OJ Simpson Parole Hearing Clips. 07/24/17. 9:00am
Howard said OJ Simpson got out of prison. He said he wanted to talk about that. Robin said if OJ was on the Battle of the Network Stars she might have to watch. Howard said OJ looks good at 70. He said he still has that good looking face. Howard said OJ was on top of the world back in the day.
Howard said OJ was at his parole hearing and he's still that arrogant guy. Howard said OJ said he never did anything violent toward anyone. Howard said he forgot about the trial of the century. Howard said the people who could have accused him were dead. Howard said OJ must have thought the parole board didn't have Google. Howard said one of the guys on the parole board had an NFL tie on.
Howard played some clips of OJ talking about how he's never been accused of pulling a weapon on anyone. Howard said ''What!?'' He said that guy is a weirdo. He said he's so fucking creepy. Howard said they did the right thing technically. He said the thing he was locked up for wouldn't even get someone 9 years. Howard said Ron Goldman's father wanted him to stay in. Robin said OJ is only dangerous to the people he knows. Howard said you have to be really unhinged to do what he did. Howard said the guy was on TV and having a good life. Howard said people like that don't do crazy shit like that.
Robin said when you come from nothing it stays around with you. Howard said OJ was talking about what a good Christian he is in the parole hearing. Howard played a clip. He played another clip of OJ saying that he had lived a conflict free life before all of this.
Howard had a clip of OJ talking about moving to Florida and OJ joked about how he could stay in Nevada but he doesn't think they want him there. Howard said what a fuck head. Robin said that's the OJ they used to see all the time.
Howard said he's good ol' OJ. Howard said he has OJ on the phone. He picked up and had a guy doing an OJ impression. Howard asked what he's going to do. OJ said he's going to Disneyland. He was joking around about that. Howard said he heard him joking around with the parole board too. OJ said he's going to get a spot on Kimmel.
Howard asked fake OJ about what his plans are. OJ said he's going to drop in on his friend Donald Trump. Howard told him he's president. OJ said that's even scarier than him walking the streets.
Howard asked OJ what his plans really are. OJ said he's going to drop in on his friend Robert Kardashian's kids. Howard said they're the most famous kids in the world and they don't do a damn thing. OJ said they're like Baba Booey. Howard said OJ hasn't seen all of the stuff going on lately.
OJ asked about the smartphone apps and what Tinder and Grindr are for. Howard said maybe he should wait a while to figure that out. OJ said he's been locked up for a while there. Robin asked if he knew that Bruce Jenner became a woman. OJ said he's been talking to a lovely woman named Caitlyn. He said she says she has a big surprise for him when he gets out.
Howard said OJ hasn't been with a woman in a long time. OJ said he wants to let his juice loose. He said he's been thinking about Robin a lot. Robin said that's just. P.R. OJ asked if he can get with Robin. Robin said he has to get in line behind Lenny Dykstra. Howard said his past is kind of sketchy. OJ said he challenges him to name 3 people he's murdered. He said he knows he can't do that.
OJ asked what the fuck a fidget spinner is and if he can use it to stab someone. Or allegedly stab someone. Howard let OJ go a short time later. He told him to say goodbye first. OJ did it.
Robin asked if he would have OJ live in there. Howard said of course they would. Howard said he heard he's been writing jokes the last 9 years. Robin said he claimed he hadn't had a drink in 9 years. Howard said he'd be curios to have him in there. Robin said Howard said he wouldn't have Mel Gibson in there.
Howard said they went out and asked women who they would rather date, OJ or Howard Stern and women were picking OJ. Howard played some audio and some women said neither but some picked OJ over Howard. Howard said ''But he killed someone.'' Howard asked what it is with him. Robin asked if they throw out all of the women who said they'd sleep with him. Howard said he didn't get one nibble. Howard said he tied with the Sandy Hook shooter. Howard said that's what he's talking about.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has button down pants and they're the greatest thing ever. Howard asked if he's gay. Howard said he remembers seeing a gay movie once where the guy had sailor pants and he seemed to enjoy it. The caller said it's easier to rip them down with the buttons. He said you can just go. Howard said you can rip the buttons off. The caller said you can't rip them out. Howard said it takes forever to button them up. He said he hates it.
Howard said he wishes all of his jeans had zippers. He said he loves the pants but hates the buttons.
Howard said the other day he was doing an impression of George Takei and he thinks he does a good impression. He said the guys took clips of him doing that impression and made a phony phone call. Howard said this is where he and Robin were talking about a Golden Girls remake. Howard did more of his George impression. Howard said the guys called an internet gossip show. Howard played the call and the hosts of the show were talking about how he was like a premiere guest on the show. Howard talked to them about the Gay Golden Girls show they were working on. They had Howard saying all kinds of crazy stuff. The hosts said he's not funny.
Howard said his George Takei is not bad. Robin said it sounds different being played back. Howard said he thought it sounded good. Howard said he might have to work on it. Howard said he's sure he could fool William Shatner. Robin said since he says he doesn't know George then maybe he could.
High Pitch Erik On YouTube. 07/24/17. 9:20am
Howard said the guys sent him a note saying that High Pitch Erik had his YouTube account suspended. Howard said he was watching it. He said that he put a camera in his house and he thinks he's ''dull.'' He said he's not retarded but he is dull. Howard said he was tested for his IQ. Howard said that Erik was certified dull. Howard said he was proud of that. He said he was watching Erik on his computer and watching TV and it was like watching a fish or something. Howard said it's weird. He said he wasn't sure why he was so fascinated by it. Howard said at one point he went to sleep.
Howard said he thinks Erik was threatening that guy Vinnie and he got himself into trouble. Howard said there are people watching Erik sleep right now. Howard said that's fascinating to him.
Gary said they gave a rundown of what he ate over the weekend. Howard said he drinks a lot of soda. Howard said he didn't give it up. Gary said he had 5 Sprites with his sushi. Howard said he won't stop drinking the soda. Howard said he drank a whole can with his medication. Gary said he had 45 pieces of sushi. Gary said the fans are sending him food. He said he saw a note yesterday about him eating pancakes and he watched it for 20 minutes. Howard said they're killing him with that. Gary said he jams the food in his mouth and chews like a lunatic while he's watching the news.
Howard had a clip of Erik yelling at Vinnie for not getting him Japanese food. In the clip Erik was cursing him out. Howard said Shuli does a great impression of Erik. He gets that phlegm in his throat.
Shuli came in and did his Erik impression. Howard asked why he was thrown off. Shuli said that there was a time when they thought he was masturbating. He said he wasn't but there are trolls who report him for things he didn't do.
Howard said he has a clip of Erik threatening to rape Vinnie's wife over some sort of caption that Vinnie posted for Erik. Howard said the guy is trying to make it interesting and funny. Howard played the clip and Erik was going off on Vinnie for posting something about him being in his ''habitat.'' Erik said he's not an animal. He said he's going to rape his wife and stick his dick in her ass. He gave out Vinnie's phone number. Howard said his response seems a little strong for what he did. Howard said Vinnie posts that it's another ''feeding'' when he eats.
Shuli said he says all of these horrible things and then he's still friends with the guy. Robin said giving out the home phone number is awful. Howard said this is one guy who is helping him. Shuli said he's the only guy helping him.
Shuli said a fan sent him a message that Erik sent him. He said it was his food order. He read the list of food that went on and on. He asked for a bunch of Japanese food and 5 Cokes. Howard said his room is tiny too. He said OJ probably had a bigger cell. Howard said he was wondering if he cold live in a room like that. He said he probably could. Robin asked if he ever goes out to just take a walk. Howard asked if he ever does. Shuli did his Erik voice and answered.
Howard asked what the certificates are hanging on his wall. Shuli said he's not sure but they might be diplomas or something.
Howard said Erik just rolled over for those not watching. Howard said go watch it because it's fucking weird.
Gary went over some of the stuff that Erik has on his wishlist. He had a bunch of Donnie Wahlberg stuff on his list. Howard said Erik just got up. He got a note about that.
Phone Calls, Wild Animals And More. 07/24/17. 9:30am
Howard said he has to read some email but he has to take a break. Howard said he has to talk about how people think he's gay because he did his underwear modeling for Ralph. Howard had a song parody that someone made about that. Howard said it was maybe the worst song. He said this guy James Thompson sends them a ton of songs but they never air them because they're so bad. Howard said this is so bad that he figured he'd play it because it's about him. Howard said James got his song parody on. Howard said he sends like one a day like that. Howard said the guys said he sends in a lot of songs. Howard said that was his best one yet. Howard said sometimes bad songs can be funny but this one isn't. He said he didn't want people thinking he was banning songs about himself. He said he had every right to ban that one. Howard said that guy sent one in about his nose called ''That Schnoz'' and it just wasn't good. Howard played the song anyway. He said his voice is really annoying. He said there's something funny about Mariann from Brooklyn's voice even though it's annoying.
Howard took a call from Mariann who was shocked to hear that from him. Howard said that there's something charming about her voice. Mariann said Maria Menounos was on with Megyn Kelly. She asked why she didn't go there first. Howard said he was kind of bummed about that too. Howard said he can never be mad at her though because she's put so much out on the show before.
Mariann was talking about an article about Beth that she didn't like. They were saying that Beth had tamed animals and her shock jock husband. Howard hung up on Mariann after that.
Robin said she saw a bird that she didn't think could fly but she wasn't sure what to do so she didn't do anything. Howard said Beth would call the wildlife foundation. Howard said Beth wanted to get a dog the other day that is really cute. Howard said there's nothing wrong with the dog and Beth wanted to get it. Howard said he has 6 cats and at least 25 kittens living with him right now. He said he feels like Ellie May from the Beverly Hillbillies. Howard asked Gary to call Beth to get the name of the dog before it comes home.
Howard said he doesn't want to end up with another pet. He said that David Spade came over with his daughter and she's like 9 years old. Howard said she was in love with the kittens in the house. Howard said they have so many. Howard said if they get a dog he'll lose his mind.
Gary said he's not having any luck getting Beth. Howard told him to hit her up with a text asking what the dog's name is. Gary said he'll do that. Howard said he probably has to take a break. Fred said he does. Howard did a live commercial read after that. The commercial was for Guns N' Roses so he talked about the concert and how it started on time at 10:30 and it went until like 1:30am. Howard finished up the live commercial read and went to break.
Today's show was over around 11:00am.