First up this morning was a segment when a woman found a penis in her sandwich and asked Howard for advice. Gary said they got legal advice from Dominic Barbara that day. This was from September 14, 1990.

In the clip Robin was reading a news story about a penis that was found in a sandwich at the Sands hotel. She read about the guy biting into the sandwich and finding the penis in there. Robin said the medical examiner was going to be looking into it to find out if it was human.

Robin was going to end her news and Howard was going to end the show but he ended up complaining about how they took Meg Griffin off after the show so he can't talk to her anymore. Howard said they had Tony Pig coming in instead.

Gary came in and said he had the woman who was the victim of the penis in the sandwich on the phone. Howard took that call. He spoke to the woman and her brother who was saying they were looking for legal advice on the whole thing. Howard said he would listen to the story and then give her some legal advice. Howard told the woman, who didn't give her name, that he would take the case on personally.

The woman said that she went to the cafeteria to eat lunch at 2 in the morning. She ordered a sloppy Joe sandwich and started to cut it up. The sandwich was open. She said it was too messy to pick up and eat. Howard said he was going to ask her all kinds of questions that might not have anything to do with the case. He asked if there were any testicles in the sandwich. She said there weren't.

The woman said she saw the penis laying there in the sandwich and she didn't get a chance to eat it. Howard asked her how big it was. She said it was maybe an inch. Howard asked if it was circumcised. She said it appeared to be. Robin asked if it was raw or cooked. She said it may have been cooked. She didn't know what to do and got sick when she saw it.

The woman said she pushed it off on the napkin and threw the rest of her food away. She wasn't able to eat after seeing that. Howard asked if she asked for a hot dog bun. She didn't. Robin asked if it was a smooth cut or a jagged cut. She said it was smooth.

Howard said they are saying that the penis could have been an animal penis. The woman said they weren't able to figure out what it was at the time. She said she took it downstairs to where she works as a cashier. Howard asked if maybe it was a prank of some kind. She didn't think that was the case. She said the penis looked too real to her so she brought it with her to her work area.

Howard asked the woman if she's unable to eat now. She said that she is having problems. She said that she's getting ill and isn't able to have sex now either. Howard found out she has a boyfriend and he might have to ''subpeenie'' him.

Howard asked the woman what the other people did there at work. She said they all thought it was a penis. She said the supervisors notified the head of security and they cut the penis open to see if it was rubber but they found a channel in there. She said the channel was the kind that would be inside a penis. Robin said she's never cut one open so she wouldn't know about a channel inside a penis.

Howard asked where the penis is now. The caller said that the Atlantic City Police have it now. Howard asked about who cut it in half. She said it was the head of security. She said he had to do that to make sure it was real before calling the police.

Howard asked the woman if she's eaten there since then. She said she has eaten but not meat. Howard told her to go to a doctor today and describe her problems to him about her eating disorder. Howard asked if the food ever squirted at her. She said that didn't happen.

Howard asked the woman if she's thinking of becoming a lesbian since this incident. She said she wasn't. Howard took her off the air for a moment and gave her some advice on that. Howard came back and said that she wishes to change her statement after that. Howard asked her again if she was thinking of being with women now. She changed her story and said yes.

Howard said he thinks that they have to hand this case over to Dominic Barbara so he can figure out what to do. Howard said he will work with Dominic on the case. He said he doesn't want the woman paying more than 10 percent of the settlement though. Howard said he may have to examine her first though. He told her to have an enema before visiting his offices.

Howard asked where Dominic was. Gary said they got him out of court and he'd be calling in any minute now. Howard said he will oversee the case and Dominic will take care of all of the details. Howard heard the woman's brother talking so he told her to tell him to shut up. Howard told her not to give him a dime either.

Howard asked the woman how old she was. She said she was 20. Howard asked if she ever found a dwarf's testicles in a box of Raisinettes. She laughed.

Dominic said he was in front of a jury when he was interrupted and heard that he had to call the show. Howard told him that they can all retire if they play this thing right. Howard told Dominic about what had happened. After hearing the story Dominic said she has an excellent case. Howard said he thinks she could get $100 million for this. Howard asked where the woman lives. She said that she lives in New Jersey. Dominic said that the Sands could get sued right out of New Jersey. He said that Howard could be the expert in the case based on the size of his penis. Howard asked if she should get in touch with him or not. Dominic was laughing but he said she should contact him. He asked how she would look in Playboy too. The woman said she didn't know.

Dominic was laughing talking about how she was always going to think of Sloppy Joes whenever she sees a penis. He was cracking himself up. Howard told him he needs to have the same problem so he'll stop eating.

Howard asked Dominic if she has a case. He said she should and they could probably go for a million dollars. He said that there was a similar case recently and it wasn't even a penis, it was just a testicle. He was joking and laughing his ass off over the whole thing. Howard let Dominic go and told the woman to hold on for a minute.

Howard got back to the caller and told her that he's the lawyer for her. Robin said he should be able to pull it together, he doesn't always laugh like that.

Howard said he once found a sandwich with a vagina in it. He then said that maybe he should dump that off the air.

Howard said he'd put the woman on hold and give her Dominic's number. He told her to keep in touch and let them know what's going on with the case. Howard said he once found a staple in his food at NBC. He said he didn't sue over that though. Howard said this woman has a real case. They wrapped up after that.

In that clip Howard was pointing out all of the cameras in the studio. He and Robin spent a minute talking about that and how annoying the show was going to be. Howard said that they had a lot of positives but also a bunch of negatives. They have to look good first thing in the morning. Howard said that means he has to bring in Ralph to do his make up every morning. Howard said he has to pick out his clothes at night too. Howard said he's a fashion disaster so Ralph has to help him out.

Howard said that should be a simple thing. He said he could call him the night before and let him know what to wear. He said Ralph didn't do that. He said he had to call him yesterday to remind him what he had to do. He said Ralph was going to call him later but he never got the call. He said Ralph claims he called though.

Ralph came in to go over all of this. Howard explained what was going on and how he could have called all day long. He said he has an assistant at his house that could have taken a message. Howard said Ralph waited until late in the date. Howard said he didn't get home until about 4 or 5 in the afternoon. He said Ralph asked if he could call later in this meek voice he pouts on. He said he thought that Ralph was going to call in 30 minutes or so. He said he never got the call.

Ralph asked if he could correct him. He said he called him back and asked if he wanted him to fax over what he wanted or to tell him over the phone. Ralph claims Howard said he was going to call him back. He said he never got that call. Howard cut him off and said that Ralph just wants contact with him and he wants to be at his side. Ralph said that's not true.

Howard went off on Ralph complaining about how he didn't call him back even though Ralph claimed he called him twice. Howard said he has other things to do and he can't just sit by the phone all night. He said he has like 3 hours to spend with the kids before he has to get to bed.

Howard told Ralph to call Laura if he can't get a hold of him. Howard said Ralph does nothing all day long. Ralph said he does lots of things all day. Howard said he's like his fourth child. He doesn't have a lot to do for him.

Howard had Ralph show the E! cameras the mess in his mouth. He said his face is more interesting than a miniature golf course. He said he's got that berry on his face and bad teeth.

Ralph said he was going to come to his house one day a week and set out all of his clothes. He said he didn't think he should have to do that for one outfit yesterday. Howard said he could have laid out the clothes for the next week and just come back next week. Howard said he has to write with the guys on Saturday so he's going to be locked in a room for the day. He doesn't want Ralph coming over on Saturday. He said he doesn't need to see him.

Howard sent Ralph away and said that he has a whole book with all of his outfits laid out and all Ralph has to do is pick out the right stuff. Howard said he may have to fire someone over this. He said he may have to fire Gary.

Gary came in and asked if they are going to have Ralph there all day long. Howard said he's going to be there the first week but after that he's out the door. Ralph said that he'll stay out of the way and if he gets in the way just let him know. Howard said he will end up in the way and he will annoy Gary. He said that there's no way for him to avoid that.

Howard said Ralph was already in the way and he was out of the light in there so he wasn't going to be on camera. Howard said he was done with both Ralph and Gary. He told them to get out of there. They went to break after that.

In the clip Howard was talking to George Carlin about a gig he had coming up there in the city. Howard talked about how he doesn't like being on stage like George does. Howard said he likes to be protected in the studio. He said he can hang up on his hecklers.

George told Howard he was going to be taping this event to air on TV at a future date. Howard asked if he would be on TV. George told him if he yells out ''cock sucker'' in the audience then maybe he'd get on. Howard said that he had to hit the dump on that.

Howard asked George about going on The Tonight Show and how it was working with Johnny Carson. George talked about that and how he liked doing that. Howard said he will do the Tonight Show when Johnny leaves.

Howard asked George if there are people in show business he doesn't get along with. George said there are groups of people that he doesn't get along with.

Howard said he remembers seeing George get on stage with cards in his hand so he'd know what to talk about. George told him that he was on coke in those days.

Howard said he saw that George was going over to talk to Regis this morning. He told him to say hi for him. He told him to give him a message of ''f-you.'' He also told him to give Kathie Lee a message and told her to stop putting her kids on the air. He said people don't care about that. George said he will tell Regis what he said but not the Kathie Lee stuff.

Howard told George he loves him and he has this connection with him and the 7 dirty words. He said that he likes having him on the show and being able to talk to him about this stuff. Howard told him about his problems with Kathie Lee.

Howard said that HBO is doing a live thing with George. George said he's done a bunch. He said that he isn't able to edit the show but they do tape it and then they can edit it. George said it's a good excitement when they do it live.

Howard said he saw George in a Barbara Streissand movie, The Prince of Tides. George said that was great. Howard said he was the best part of the movie. He didn't like the rest of the movie. Howard said it must have been hard for him to play that part. George said he got a lot of compliments on that part. Howard asked if he had to go out and become gay to prepare for the role. George said he just took one word, lonely, and thought about that the whole time he was doing the part.

Howard asked what it was like working with Barbara. George said it was great. He said he went in and asked for the part as a gay man. He said he had to audition in front of her and he did that as a gay character. He said it worked.

Howard said he could never do that in front of someone. He said he could never kiss anyone's ass. He said he knows that George wasn't kissing ass but that's what he'd feel like he was doing.

Howard said Nick Nolte mumbled through the whole movie. He didn't like that. Howard said Richard Simmons wanted to see the movie with him and now he's mad at him over that since he brought his wife instead.

Howard asked George who all of these people were who came in with him. George said he had a manager there. Howard asked that guy, Jerry, if he gets 25 percent of George's money. Jerry said he did but George said he was just kidding about that.

Howard asked Jerry some other questions about working with George and what that's like. Howard said this guy is tan and George looks frazzled so something is up there. He asked the guy what he did yesterday to help George. Jerry said they were working on the show George is going to be doing. He said they were honoring him at this radio and TV thing too.

George told Howard about how he got into some trouble years ago when he was using coke. He said he wasn't paying attention to the people running his affairs so he lost track of what was going on. He said they went overboard spending money. He said this guy Jerry came in and started managing him so he could get his career going again. He said he just paid off the IRS about a month ago and he's all paid up now. He said that's what Jerry helped him take care of.

Howard spoke to another guy that had come in with George. He has worked with Roseanne Barr so Howard talked to him about that for a minute. Howard said he's never seen anyone like Roseanne and Tom other than John Lennon and Yoko Ono.

Howard started to wrap up with George and George asked what time his daughter should listen to this out in L.A. Howard told him it would be on right at 8 A.M. out there. They wrapped up a short time later.

The Soprano's Big Pussy Comes In. 2/4/00. 7:05am
Vincent Pastore, who plays Big Pussy on HBO's ''The Sopranos'', came in this morning to talk to Howard and play Mike Walker's gossip game. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Vinnie before he got to the game. He found out that the name Big Pussy refers to Vinnie's character being a cat burglar in his younger years. Howard was really curious about that and he finally got his answer. Vinnie told Howard that he's been in quite a few movies including ''Hurricane'', ''The Jerky Boys'' and a few episodes of TV show ''Law and Order''. He also used to own a club called ''Crazy Horse'' from 1967 to 1987. Howard kept asking Vinnie if he was ever in the Mob. He said he never was and there are no mob members on ''The Sopranos''.

Howard had Mike Walker on the phone so he played the gossip game. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:

1. Faye Dunaway went into a Fed-Ex location and walked past a big line of people and asked if there was a special line for movie stars. She was told to wait in line with the rest of the people.
2. Barbara Streissand has a special person go in to an event to set up her seating and lighting for her before she goes in herself.
3. While Jim Carey was on a break during filming of a movie he called his girlfriend Renee Zellwegger and started to talk dirty to her. He didn't realize that his wireless microphone was still on and the crew all heard him talking dirty.
4. Jerry Seinfeld went into a club in New York and did a stand up routine. There were no laughs from the audience. They were all from Holland but it didn't stop him. He did a full half hour dirty material with no laughs.

After the game Howard spent a little more time talking to Vinnie and his co-star Tony Serrico. I apologize for any misspellings in either of their names. Tony didn't seem that thrilled to talk to Howard. Howard kept asking questions about he Mafia and sex and Tony just didn't seem to deal very well with it. He lasted a few minutes before he got off the phone. Vinnie stuck around and Howard asked him about some stories he heard about him. He heard that he got in a fight with Matthew Broderick but that turned out to be a mistake. The story didn't happen the way it was written up. Then Howard brought up a story about how Vinnie had to punch out a musician who was staying at his house because the guy tried to grab his genitals while he was asleep. Vinnie just kind of laughed. He was asked if it was true and said ''I'm not saying no!'' It turns out that Vinnie used to have musicians stay at his apartment when they'd be performing at his club. This guy, who remained nameless, just happened to like ''sheep and me'' according to Vinnie. Howard asked Vinnie if the guy finished him off. Vinnie said no and that he's forgotten about the whole situation. Before Vinnie left he said that he really wants to get Beetlejuice to appear on ''The Sopranos''. He's going to try and get the writers to write him a part. He thinks it would be funny to see Beetlejuice come out holding a machine gun.

In the clip Robin was reading the story about David Lee Roth getting arrested for buying pot a park there in New York City. Howard told Gary to try and get Dave on the phone so they could ask him about that.

Gary came in and said he had tried to get him on the phone but he just got voice mail. He said Howard might have better luck getting him on the line if he calls live. Howard tried calling Dave himself. He got his voice mail and left a message saying he was on the air and wanted to talk. Dave picked up a few seconds later.

Howard asked Dave what was going on. Dave asked him what his take was on the whole thing. Howard said he wondered why Dave would try to get his own pot in the park instead of having someone else get it. Howard said he doesn't think Dave would spend 10 bucks at a time either. Dave said he doesn't smoke that much to begin with and he sees both arguments about the whole thing. He said he heard that ti's just a $35 ticket. Howard said he heard it was more than that but not all that much.

Howard said it sounds like pot isn't that illegal if they just give you a ticket for buying it. Howard asked Dave what he was doing that day. Dave said he wasn't sure what was going to happen with the case so he's not sure he can make a joke out of it. He said maybe they should wait and see what happens and then talk about it some other time.

Howard said he heard good pot is like $400 an ounce so he must not have gotten much for 10 bucks. Dave wasn't saying exactly how much it was. Howard said that Sammy Hagar must be happy about this bust. He said he must be partying over the whole thing. Howard said he was listening to OU812 and it's really not a great album. He said Sammy ruined the songs. Dave said they had done a lot of those songs before he left the band so they were on demo tapes.

Howard said that Sammy threatened him after he heard he was saying he didn't think he was a great singer. He said the guy can't take any criticism.

Howard asked Dave what happened when he got caught buying the pot. Dave said he can't talk about all of that. He didn't want to take it lightly or make a joke out of it. Howard said it sounds like his lawyer got a hold of him. Dave said he ended up being there for a could of hours even though other people were out of there in less than a half hour. He said they were making a big deal out of it because of who they had caught.

Howard asked Dave if anyone came onto him when he was in the big house. Dave said they didn't do that. Howard asked Dave if people recognized him in there. Dave said it took a little while but they eventually did. He said it caused a little bit of a controversy.

Howard let Dave go a short time later. Howard said Gary was right that he would pick up if he called himself. Howard said it sounded like Dave may have been rolling a joint as they were talking. Howard said they could get a hold of Dave and really mess him up. He said he thinks he was playing it right saying he didn't want to make a joke about it. Howard said they got in some trouble when they joked about coke on the air one time. He said he had a DEA guy hear it and asked to get him in front of the grand jury. Robin said that was pretty scary.

Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about that call and the arrest. Jackie was saying that Dave might be like an old hippie who doesn't think that much about buying pot in Washington Square Park. Howard said Dave isn't a hippie and he's not old. Howard said Jackie is the old hippie. Then he said he's not even a hippie, he's just old.

In the clip Robin was reading a news story about David Koresh and what had gone on at his Waco compound. Robin had some audio of a doctor talking about the case and how they were trying to find out if any of the bodies had gun shot wounds in them. They were talking about how the people were reduced to ash and the only thing that might be left is teeth. That led to Howard and the guys talking about how Gary's teeth would be easy to identify. They were joking that people could hide behind his teeth and live in a fire.

Howard was telling Gary he has big rubbery lips and teeth that stick out so he's easy to identify from a distance. Gary said he played the trumpet for a while but his teacher told him his lips were too big and he should try playing the tuba instead. He said that made him quit playing all together.

Howard was goofing on Gary's teeth saying they're so big he can't even close his lips over them. Howard said Gary eats around him and he has trouble closing his lips while he chews so they're stretched to the max so his ears start to move. Gary said that isn't true. He said he puts too much food in his mouth so that's why they're stretched so much.

Howard said Gary's teeth are the fakest he's ever seen. Gary said that's just not true. Howard said he wouldn't make that up. Howard asked who has worse looking teeth than him. Gary said that Cher does. Howard said that's a tie. He said her mouth is unbelievably funny too.

Howard continued to goof on Gary's teeth and Gary pointed out that his dentist had gone to jail at one point. Jackie joked that Gary had put his dentist in a different tax bracket with all of the business he gave him. Howard said he's seen Gary without his caps and he had big, green teeth. Howard said his mother took tetracycline and it discolored his teeth. Howard told Robin to imagine his teeth going in all different directions and being green. Gary said they were actually brown or yellow.

Howard imagined that when everyone dies on this planet someone will come here some day and find Gary's teeth and cockroaches. Jackie said they'll think that everyone here was 45 feet tall. Howard took that and ran with it and came up with more stories about what it would be like when they discover Gary's teeth. He said they'll have to figure out what he looked like and they'll talk about man being 45 feet tall with bad hygiene. Howard said they will talk about how they never discovered the tooth brush and stuff like that.

Howard went into his alien voice and talked about Gary as if he was discovered by them many years in the future. Howard said that they'll say that man was never able to close his mouth. He said that man needed the buddy system to close a mouth. He said man was never able to speak correctly with the giant teeth.

Miss Howard Stern's IQ Test. 02/12/04. 8:25am
Howard said that Andrea ''Miss Howard Stern'' was there and she's taken an IQ test. He said they always wanted to know what it was and she came in and agreed to take one. Howard said she was wearing big Elvis glasses. She said she wears them to hide from the world.

Andrea said she had to guess at a lot of the answers on the test. KC said that there were three parts and each one gave a half hour to complete. He said she left about 20 blank at one point in one section of the three. She didn't think she left that many blank though.

Howard asked her about the jewelry she was wearing this morning. She showed off some of the stuff she was wearing and the guys were wondering where she gets the money to pay for that stuff. She said she has money saved up that she uses. Andrea said that she hates dancing and won't do that anymore. She said that was the only time she's ever been depressed in her life. She said if you ever see her dancing again, she's hit rock bottom.

Howard moved on to Andrea's IQ test. He wanted to find out what her score was. Howard and Robin both said that they think it'll be an 80. There were 17 left blank in the math section according to KC. KC also said that Andrea's trip into the city was pretty tough. She came in yesterday afternoon and ended up in Queens instead of Manhattan.

Andrea said she doesn't trust anyone out there because so many people take advantage of her. Howard said that he would just bang her once and leave her. He was just being honest. Robin said that KC and Andrea would make a great couple. He said they look good together. They spent a short time on that before they actually got to the IQ test.

Howard and Gary talked about the IQ score and what an 80 would mean. Gary thought that a 90 would mean she's really dumb but an 80 would be like a monkey. Gary said he thinks she'll manage to get an 83. Gary was willing to put up a hundred bucks that she'd be over an 80. Robin said she thought she'd be under that number.

They kept getting sidetracked talking about Andrea's sex life and stuff like that. She said she hasn't had sex since she was 18. She's turning 21 next week. Howard said he heard that she likes someone but she didn't want to embarrass herself by talking about it. Howard was going to give her $500 if she told them who it was. She kept saying that she can't tell them. He upped it to $1000 but she kept saying she couldn't do it. She turned down the money.

Howard gave up on that and moved on to the IQ test. KC gave them the score and she came out with an IQ of 88. She's in the 21st percentile so 79 percent of the people taking the test would have scored better than her. Howard and the guys were blown away when they heard the score. KC said that just 5 right is an 81 IQ. Howard congratulated her on the big score and tried to wrap up the interview. They kept trying to find out who her crush was on. She kept saying that she didn't want to say who it was. Howard said that she had a crush on KC but she kept saying ''no'' and it was making her too nervous. Howard asked her to turn to him and say that she didn't have a crush on him. She said it was too embarrassing. Howard told KC to ask her out but even KC didn't want to do that.

Ronnie the Limo Driver brought Andrea's friend in because she knows who her crush is on. She wanted the $1000 to tell them. Andrea yelled at her friend Rachelle not to tell them. Andrea said that she'd be mad at her and wouldn't talk to her if she told. Andrea asked KC if he's really gay and why he tells the gay jokes all the time. He said that he's not gay and he tells the jokes because ''gay is funny.''

Howard ended up giving the friend the money because she did say that the person Andrea has the crush on was in the room at the time. Howard knew it was KC after that. Howard asked her what the big deal was and why she wasn't saying that she had a crush on him. She was too embarrassed to say anything though. Howard had KC stand there waiting for her to say something to him. Howard told her that she blew her chance so then she said that he ''is cute or whatever'' and that he has a good body. KC thanked her for that but told her that he's not into finding anyone at this point. Howard wrapped up the segment and went to commercial.

Howard had Al Sharpton come in to visit. He and Al spent a short time talking about where they grew up since Howard had gone to school in Roosevelt and the school board was just thrown over recently. Howard said he was one of three white people in the community at the time. Howard said people were being stabbed in the parking lot and things like that back then.

Howard told Al that he was the kid getting beat up on Martin Luther King day. Howard said his mother would make him go to school even though he warned her that he'd get beat up. Howard said he would rush home to get away from school and end up ripping his pants on the fence trying to hop over it.

Howard said Al has been protesting a bunch of things lately and asked him about some of that stuff. Howard said he seems to be looking to make trouble. Al said he isn't looking for trouble, they're trying to stop that trouble.

Howard wanted Al to do some preaching for him so he did his own for a minute and had Fred playing some church organ music behind him as he did his own preaching. Al wasn't doing anything though so Howard just kept going.

Howard talked to Al about his family life and said he read some stuff about how wild his father was. Robin gave Howard some of the details of that. Howard said it sounds like he would hate his father after hearing that stuff. Al said he doesn't hate anyone. Al told Howard he didn't freak out when he was a kid. He said that he didn't freak out until he got older and heard people like Howard.

Howard asked Al what he thinks about the OJ case. Al said that he thinks they didn't prove anything in court. He said they didn't have any evidence. Howard said he doesn't believe that. Howard was giving him details about that case and saying hat he believes that he is guilty. Howard asked Al who he admires more, OJ or Chris Darden. Al said neither of them are on his list.

Howard asked Al about his wife because he thinks she's a piece of ass. Howard asked Al what else he had to go out and do that day. Al said he had a bunch of shows to go on this morning.

Howard did some more preaching to Al. He did that for a minute and then got back to Al. Howard said he can't believe that he doesn't think that Chris Darden is a good man. Howard said the guy is honest to a fault. Howard said he's a man to be worshiped and idolized. Al said that may be. He said he didn't know much about him until this OJ case.

Howard asked Al about what's going on in his personal life. He asked about this new book he has out called ''Go and Tell Pharaoh.'' Howard said he's surprised that Al doesn't go to the afro with that hair of his. He keeps it brushed out straight. Howard said he saw it was going grey though.

Howard asked Al if he was so fat that he wasn't able to see his penis at some point. Al wasn't answering those questions. Al told Howard that he thinks this show is like therapy for him.

Howard said Al must love being in the spotlight. Al said he could be doing other things if that's all he wanted.

Howard talked to him about some of the other stuff in his book and mentioned that Al had said that his father had sex with his sister.

Howard wanted Al to preach but he wasn't going to do it. Howard said he wanted to hear what a good preacher would say. Howard said he and the guys would give him the back up ''Yes! Say it!'' stuff.

Howard took a call from Corky the Miss Howard Stern ex-husband. Corky said that he had been locked up by his wife and every other word in prison is the N-word. He said that it's turned confused black people into that word. Howard told the guy he's insane. Al said this show sure is the show for racial harmony.

Howard took another call from a guy who asked why it's okay for black people to have the soul train awards but not okay for white people to have their Academy Awards with just one black nominee. Al didn't really have an answer for that. Howard said he thinks that Al has some white features and he likes the way he looks. Al said Howard is not well.

Another caller said he saw a story about Al on the news and they found out that he had slept in a hotel after claiming he was sleeping out on the lawn for some protest. Al said he had a hotel room but he didn't stay in it. Al explained what was going on there that day. Howard said he doesn't' think that sleeping outside is something black people like to do. He asked Al what the weather was like outside that night. Al said the wind chill was 4 below zero that night. The caller confirmed that it was very cold out that night.

Howard asked Al how long he's been married. Al said it was 15 years. Howard asked if he has sex every night. Al said he's not going to answer those questions.

Howard asked Al if he still talks to James Brown. Al said he does and he was the one who told him to come on the show this morning. He said that he will tell him what he thinks about that later on today.

Howard asked Al if any women tried to get in his sleeping bag that night. Al said they did not. Howard asked if he has groupies. Al said that there are some.

Howard finally got Al to do some preaching but he took over as Fred played the church music behind him. Howard talked about the picture of Al on the cover of his book. He said it looks like he had make up and hair done for the cover. Al claims that's not the case. He said they just did that photo shoot in his office. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later.

In the clip Howard was talking about fractured penises and how it's a real thing. Howard said he didn't know that it was something that could actually happen. Howard said that he had to thank Pat Cooper for coming in the day before. He did that quickly and got back to the broken penis thing.

Howard read about the broken penis thing and how some guys will self mutilate themselves. He read about other ways you can break it. There were many things listed in the article.

Howard said he was saying this stuff as a public service announcement. He showed one picture to Robin of a fractured penis. Howard told Jackie that's what his looks like normally. Fred had left the room because he didn't want to look at that stuff. Howard wondered where he goes every 5 minutes. He said he wants someone to trail him. Jackie said he goes to the bathroom constantly.

Fred came in and said he was looking for a Budweiser spot. Howard said he just wanted to know what he was up to.

Howard said he got a list in the mail of stuff guys put up there butts. He said that they must be gay guys but Robin said that he doesn't know that for sure. Howard said that's true, it could be straight guys. Howard said women never do that kind of thing. He said men are weird. He said you'd think that more gay guys would have broken penises too.

Howard read about some of the things that guys had up their asses. He read about a live, shaved, declawed gerbil, a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an axe handle, a zucchini, a plastic spatula, a coke bottle, a float ball, a carrot, antenna rod, light bulb, screw driver, 4 rubber balls, apple, onion, frozen pig's tail and a lot more. Robin said that some of that stuff was crazy. Howard read about a tool box they took out of someone's ass. He said this was all from a medical journal so it had to be true. It's not like it was coming from the National Enquirer.

Howard read more of the things that they've found in people's asses. Howard wondered who would think to shove these things in their butts. He said that it didn't make sense. Howard joked that they found Gary's old teeth and their old phone system in one guy. Howard joked that he'd like to try shoving some of those things in his ass. They wrapped up a short time later.

In the clip Howard was talking about how people have to take care of hemorrhoids. He said that you always end up smelling your hand when you use the cream on your ass. Jackie said he used to have his wife apply the cream. He said that was a true story.

Jackie said he would get up on all fours and have his wife do it for him. Jackie said he would be clean from taking a shower. Howard said that is a lovely woman who would do that for him. Howard said that stuff makes you gassy too. Jackie said you're greasy back there too so it's kind of weird.

Jackie said he had the hemorrhoids when he was drinking a lot in the 1980s. Howard said Jackie is like a horse when he goes to the bathroom. He said he goes to the bathroom an inordinate amount of times. Jackie said he eats a lot of fruit and tea so he has to go often. Howard said he has to go way too much.

Howard said Jackie's wife is a great wife to do that stuff she does for him. He said he's always drunk and she has to pout up with that.

In the clip Howard had actor Robert Vaughn come in to talk about his career. Howard knew him as ''The Man from U.N.C.L.E.'' Howard said he's still working. Robert said he does a lot of tuff and it's not all there in the States. He said he does stuff in Europe too. Howard said he has seen guys like that working and he never thinks that can be. He said he heard a story from Grandpa Al Lewis that he got paid $800,000 to do a movie down in New Zealand. He didn't believe it but Robert said that it's possible if his show has been playing all along down there.

Howard said he was offered a lead role in a movie and asked what kind of money he could be getting for something like that. Robert said that it all depends. Howard asked how long it takes to do a movie. Robert said that his roles have ranged from 5 days to 6 months.

Howard said he liked the yellow glasses that Robert was wearing. He wondered if they were the type that they advertise on TV. Robert said they were tinted and they get darker when you go outside. Howard had Jackie raise and lower the lights to see them work.

Howard asked if they were Ambervision glasses. Robert said they were some other brand that people wear when they ski. He couldn't remember the brand name. They turned out to be Ray Ban. Howard said that wasn't anything special.

Howard asked for some more advice on the movie thing and Robert was telling him that he should make sure he has gross participation in any movie he does. Howard said he would do that.

Howard went over Robert's history in movies and TV. He asked if he had a lot of women when he was younger Robert said that he did. He said he had died and gone to heaven when he got to Hollywood. He had actually had two women at once at some point.

Howard said he had David McCallum on the phone so he could reunite the two of them from their ''Man from U.N.C.L.E.'' days. Howard got him on the line a short time later. He talked to the two of them for a few more minutes about what they're up to and what it was like working together on the old TV series.

Howard talked to David about his wife and Robert told Howard how he met his wife at a photo shoot. Robert said he met her there that day and ended up marrying her.

Howard tried to find out which famous chicks the guys had in their lives but Robert said he was saving that kind of stuff for his book. David wasn't talking either.

Howard let David go after a little longer. He got back to Robert and asked him more about the women he was with. Robert talked a little bit about that but wasn't getting into too many details. Robert said some of the stories were kind of hazy. He said he'd take some women back to his house and that's what happened the time he was with the two women at once. Robert said this was like 30 years ago that it happened so he didn't remember everything that happened. Howard asked Robert about what he said to the girls but Robert didn't remember details like that. Howard said he was like Warren Beatty. Robert said he's like the closet Warren Beatty. He said that back then it was like heaven living in Hollywood.

Howard wondered what happened to his fun. Robin said Howard loves being miserable. Robert said that if AIDS had been around back then he wouldn't have had as much sex as he did. He said he would have had about 40 extra hours a week to do other things.

Howard asked Robert to go over the list of Academy Awards nominations with them. Robin read the list of movies that were nominated and they spent a short time talking about those. Howard and Robert ended up talking about the Kennedy Assassination and Robert was saying he believes there was a conspiracy. Howard said he doesn't believe it at all.

Robin read through some more nominees and they went over each of the categories and who they liked and didn't like.

Robin read through some news stories and Robert stuck around for that. They talked about a few of the stories that Robin brought up before wrapping up with him.

In the clip Howard was talking to Gary about this deaf comedienne Kathy Buckley. They spent a few minutes talking about her before she came in. Gary said he was out in the green room talking to her like he's an idiot. He was speaking really slow to make sure she understood what he was saying as she read his lips.

Howard had Gary bring Kathy in after that. Howard spent a few minutes talking to her about being deaf. Kathy said she doesn't know radio very well since she can't listen. Howard asked her a bunch of questions and she had no problem answering him as she read his lips.

Howard said he might have to hook Kathy up with Fred the Elephant Boy. He said she wouldn't be able to hear his voice. That would be good for Fred. Kathy doesn't date much so Howard asked her why that was. She said she hasn't had a man in about 3 and a half years. Howard asked what she does to take care of her needs. She said she doesn't do anything. She said she was molested as a child so she doesn't need that. Kathy said that she as molested as a child too so she has issues. Howard asked if that's what made her deaf. She said that not having sex is what made her deaf.

Kathy said that men don't ask her out. Howard said he would give her a role just because she's had a tough time. Howard said that Jackie isn't even as successful as Kathy is and she's deaf.

Howard and Robin talked to Kathy about cochlear implants and how they can give young kids something like that when they're born deaf. Kathy said that they have to kill off all of the nerves when they do that so it could prevent future hearing.

Howard talked to Kathy about her molestation and said that he was kind of molested when he was a kid but he had his pants on. He asked Kathy if she had her pants off. She said they were off. She wanted to drop that and move on to something else though. Howard said the guy who did it to him was a friend. He said it was too difficult for him to think about.

Howard asked Kathy about her molester and if she has worked through all of that. Kathy said she did and said that you have to work through your past to get to your future.

Howard told Kathy that his radio show is very different than other radio. He said that most radio makes people wish they were deaf. Howard said they will turn off their hearing psychologically so they don't have to hear it.

Howard started to talk like a deaf person to show how easy it was to fake it. Kathy said she wasn't able to hear it so she wasn't sure how good it was. Howard gave Kathy some advice about how to get a man. He said if she wants, he can do a dial-a-date and get her a man on the show. He gave her some advice on getting her own man if she doesn't want to do the date thing. He told her she must wear make up though. He told her that thing she has isn't a vagina anymore, it's a tomb.

Crackhead Bob and Elephant boy sing again. 8/16/96.
Yesterday these two were practicing their singing abilities. They recorded a couple of songs and Howard played them today. The first song was 'I got you babe', an old Sonny and Cher song. What a great song for them to do. Bob was barely understandable and Elephant Boy was screeching out his lines. They also did the mockingbird song like they did yesterday and this time it was all the way through the song. Both songs were hilarious. He also played the making of the song with Fred trying to tell Bob what to sing. What a funny day today was. Howard said that there will be videos shot for these two songs for E!. That should be even funnier! While Howard was playing this stuff an old friend of the show called in.. Quentin the stutterer! Quentin used to be on the show quite a bit until his wife told him to lay off for a while. Quentin and Elephant Boy did a really funny Christmas Carol story bit years ago that's still great today. Every Christmas it gets played during 'best of'. Howard was going to play it today but didn't get to it. Quentin wants to come back on the show to sing with Crackhead Bob and Elephant Boy. That should be another great bit.

Today's Mammary Lane show was over around 11:35am.

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