- Howard's Nightmares, Heidi Klum, Billy Bush And More. 09/20/17. 7:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: ''The Howard Stern Show Salutes Teachers Everywhere'' bit, ''Ronnie Mund is Steamboat Ronnie'' commercial parody, a phony phone call to the Angry Political Guy with Eric the Actor audio clips, David Bowie performing ''Fame'' at a Howard Stern birthday show, fake Gary the Conqueror announcing they have Rob Schneider coming in today.
Howard started the show talking about Ronnie's ''69!'' clip and how it's his new thing. Howard said he always comes up with something new. Fred played the 69 clip a bunch of times.
Howard said he had some weird dreams last night that he doesn't want to get into. He said he's saving them for his therapist. He said he's tired today because of that. Howard said he's not going to tell Robin about it. Robin wondered if that was a rule for him and his dreams. Howard said she's probably thinking they were gay dreams.
Howard said he was watching TV before bed and he can't turn it off. He said he loves television so much. He said he really liked what Alec Baldwin said about making TV at the Emmys. He said he's not sure what he would do without TV. He said it would be a nightmare if he had to read a book. Howard said he is reading that Hitler book. Robin said he doesn't read things that give him the kind of entertainment that TV does. Howard said he doesn't like made up stories. He said he likes made up stories on TV but not reading them.
Howard said he turned on the TV and he saw Wheel of Fortune. He said Pat Sajak has a full head of hair. He said the guy has to be 70. Gary said he turned 70 last October. Howard asked who he thinks he's kidding. Howard said people think he dyes his hair but he really doesn't. Howard said he has dark hair but there is more and more gray in there. He said he was thinking about it and he doesn't want to color it. He said it's very feminine. He said he removed his ear rings because of that. He said he's 3 pounds lighter without them. Howard said Beth told him it was time. He said she was right. He felt better about himself. Howard said the ear rings were looking dopey. He said you get to a certain age and it's over.
Howard said he used to have that rock star look but that's kind of gone. Robin said some guys are stuck in their look from those years. Howard said he hasn't had those years. He said he was looking at his wife the other night and he wished that he could be good looking. He said it must be fantastic. He said people think you're attractive. He said little kids like Beth immediately. He said that she's like a Barbie or a princess. He said it's so great. He said she thinks she's disgusting looking which is great. He said he thinks that's why he got her. Howard said if she knew how good looking she was she'd never be with him.
Howard said they know lots of good looking women who go after young, hunky guys and they're never happy because they can't live up. He said that Beth looks fantastic next to him. He said someone said he doesn't know how he got her. Howard said he was pissed at first but then he was like ''I don't either.'' Howard said the guy said it doesn't make sense. Robin said they say that a woman married to a man more attractive than she is will be more insecure. Howard said they know women who are dating younger guys and they're really good looking and they're never secure. Howard said they love fucking young guys. Howard said he just saw Heidi Klum just broke up. He said the fact that it lasted 3 years is shocking. Howard said when he joined America's Got Talent he thought Heidi wanted to fuck him. He said she was on the loose after breaking up with Seal. Howard said he got a vibe from her. He said maybe she was just being friendly.
Howard said if he was single he would have fucked her. He said it would have been a big mistake. He said he'd have to go to the show and work with her though. He said that accent and her singing was something he's glad he didn't get stuck with.
Howard said Heidi went to the after party at his 60th birthday bash and met this guy Vito. Howard said he didn't even know about the after party.
Howard said this guy Simon Cowell was after his job when he was there at America's Got Talent. Howard said he bets he would have fucked Heidi. He said you have to watch that guy. He said he has a new song called ''Fuck Your Wife.'' He played the parody that the guys did with a fake Simon.
Howard said Simon was desperate to get back on American TV. He said Simon is on the phone. He took the call from the guys in the back who had clips of fake Simon that they were playing. Fake Simon was asking Robin if she wanted to fuck him. He said he can't do it until she marries one of his best friends. Fake Simon told Howard he's a wig wearing asshole and the guys played it a couple of times. Howard told them to go make more drops.
Howard said he has socialized with Heidi and Vito. He said she's a sweet woman but she's making a big error there. Howard said that's what he told his wife. Howard said she was fucking this guy in his 20s. He said she's in her 40s. He said she's going to feel bad about herself. Howard said she needs an older, ugly guy like him. Howard said Ralph thought that she was flirting with him too. He said that he likes to have a complete madman as a voice of reality around him. Howard said Gary asked what Ralph does all day and he really has no idea.
Howard said he's not sure who Heidi is going to team up with next. He said she has like 4 kids with Seal and some other kid. Howard said she has a bunch. Howard said he never could figure out how many she had. He said Mel B has a bunch too and he was never able to figure it out. He said Mel had her kids on set and it was so annoying. Howard said the kids would get in his chair. Robin said it looked like United Nations over there. Howard said it was like he was working with Octomom.
Howard said there was no respect there. He said they were in his chair. He said he'd go to sit there and they'd just stay in it. He said they'd ring his buzzer. Howard said that Mel B was there with her man and her glam squad. Howard said Heidi had her social media people there too. Howard said it was like ''what the fuck?'' He said the judges table looked like a day care center. Howard said he'd say something and they were afraid of saying anything got Mel and Heidi. Howard said they need the job so they could tell them anything. Robin said it looked like she had a lot of kids but they say she only has 4. Howard said Mel has like 10. He said there were kids older than him there.
Howard said Mel B is on the prowl too. He said Heidi will be now. Howard said he would have fucked up and fucked both of them over there. Howard said he could have screwed everything up. He said he had to go to work. He said he'd fuck people who he wasn't even attracted to. He said he was out of control. He said now he's got his shit together. He said he's always been faithful.
Howard said he is obsessed with Billy Bush's life leaving Billy. Howard said he felt bad for him. He said they say it was amicable. He said it wasn't over the Trump tape. He said according to Page Six they say he didn't apologize to his wife for the ''grab 'em by the pussy'' thing. Howard said he feels kind of bad for the guy. He said maybe what he did wasn't so good but now he's out of a job and without a wife. Howard said he saw pictures of his wife and she was smoking hot. He said now she's gone.
- Dancing With The Stars Betting. 09/20/17. 7:25am
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel bets on Dancing with the Stars and he told him how he picks the winners. He said he wanted to get in on the betting and Jimmy knows what he's doing. Howard said Jimmy picked someone with 10-1 odds and he went with that guy too. Howard said he thinks he can say who it is. Howard said he is locked in on that 10-1 so he can say it's that basketball player Derek Fisher. Howard said he taped the show and he's going to watch it. He said they have a girl on there who he had his eye on. Howard said Derek did pretty good but he doesn't see how he's going to win. He said he was kind of klutzy.
Howard said he has to get Jimmy on to talk about that. Robin said it's crazy because it's the football players who do well. Howard said Jimmy thinks they're going to hit the 10-1. Howard said he's in.
Howard said they have Nick Lachey on with his wife. Howard said she's a real good dancer. Howard said Jimmy understands how they vote on that show. Howard said he'll get $5,000 if he wins. He said that will be nice. He said that he was too tired trying to figure out how much he'd get back. Howard said he put $500 down.
Howard said he watched Ray Donovan last night and they really have to get away from the dead wife. Howard said she's there every week. Howard said she has cancer and it's like a Lifetime special. Howard said he's a guy who is supposed to be like James Bond. Robin said he's a sociopath too. Robin said he shouldn't care about her. Robin said the whole time she was alive she wasn't naked. Now she's showing her tits.
Howard said he is so impressed with Susan Sarandon. He said she has aged so well. He wondered if she has work done. He said she looks so pretty and young. Robin said they say that even if she doesn't look like she has had work done that she probably has. Howard said she looks great. Fred said she has always had great tits. He said she was in Pretty Baby. Howard said he never saw that movie. Fred said Susan was naked in that plenty. Howard said she's 70. He said he wonders if he would fuck her. Howard said he's an old bag too but he thinks an older guy should be fucking younger women.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's smoking crack. Howard asked why he's asking that. The caller said that Derek Fisher has two left feet and his partner sucks. He said Kimmel's track record is out of line. Howard said he has a 50 percent track record. Howard said he's just going along with what Kimmel told him. He said he put 500 down. The caller asked if he'll pay him back if he loses. Howard said that's not gambling. Howard said Jimmy knows. Howard said he doesn't know what's so special about this Derek guy. The caller said he has his fingers crossed for him. Howard sarcastically said that was a great call, call back again.
Gary came in and said that Derek has one of those feel good stories that will get him votes. Gary said years ago he had to be with his daughter who had an operation. He asked to be let out of his contract so he could get his daughter help later on. Howard said Jimmy knows his shit. Howard started singing ''I'm in the money.''
Howard said Robin will care when she sees him counting his $5,000. Howard said Robin bet on him to beat Nils Loftgren in basketball.
Howard said America isn't going to turn their backs on a guy like this. Robin said it will take weeks for him to get his money. Howard said he has to watch the show now. He said he usually fast forwards through the athletes. Howard said he was wondering why he listens to Jimmy but he obviously knows. He said he knows all of this stuff he didn't know about.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he ever beat off to Heidi. Howard said never. He said that's not his thing. The caller said when he was 11 he broke his dick to Butt Bongo Fiesta. He said keep up the good work. Howard said he was never recognized for that. He said he had a lot of hot chicks in that. He said it was in 3D and way ahead of its time.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said after the break he has some things to play. Robin asked what you do when someone you know breaks up. Robin asked if he's going to contact Heidi. Howard said he's not going to do that. He said he's not close. Howard said he knew that was going to fall apart. He said he was too young for her. He said she'll be fine. She's still hot. Howard said she was at the Emmys and he wasn't sure why. Fred said she was there for Project Runway. Howard said that show can't possibly deserve an Emmy. He said that seems crazy to him. He said Heidi had her titty out on the red carpet. Howard said it was the year of the titty at the Emmys this year. Howard said there wasn't one woman not showing off their tits. Howard said it was great. Howard said Memet went and did an embedded with Tan Mom that he has to play. He said it's a taste of what goes on in her house. Howard said he has a million other things to do too. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
- Phone Calls, Music And Lenny Dykstra. 09/20/17. 7:45am
After the break Howard came right back and took a call from a guy who said they were talking about Katie Tur yesterday. He said there's another one and he mentioned the name. Howard didn't seem interest. The caller said that Emma Stone wore a really hot dress on Colbert last night. Howard said he finds her very attractive. Howard said he appreciates it when they come out in a hot dress. Howard said no one wants to really hear from them a lot of times. Howard said they want to talk about some vacation they took or something. Robin said they're no Shailene Woodley. Howard said it's great to just stare at them.
The caller asked if Howard has heard the new Jagger tune. Howard said he has not. The caller said that it sounds great. Howard thanked him for the call. Howard said he didn't know Jagger had a new record. He said it must be a solo thing. He said it's enough of the solo stuff already. He said he's best when he collaborates with Keith Richards. He said he should just keep going out with the Stones and stop it with the solo stuff.
Howard said it's like Fred going out and hosting his own show. Fred said he's not sure what song that caller was talking about. He said it might be ''Get a Grip.'' Howard had him play it. He listened to it for a few seconds and asked when he put it out. Fred said it may have been July. Howard said he likes Mick Jagger but he's done. Howard asked what he's going to do with that.
Howard said someone turned him on to a song. He said he was on YouTube and it was Gary Clark Jr. covering ''Come Together.'' Howard said most of the time covers of Beatles music aren't that good. He said this was good though. He had Fred play the song. Howard said this is a good cover. Fred played Ronnie yelling ''69!'' over it.
Howard said he thought it was pretty cool. Robin said ''Eh.'' She said it reminds her of the original. Fred played her news theme. Robin said ''Fuck you, Fred.'' Robin said there has to be something different about it so she isn't reminded of the original.
Howard said Lenny Dykstra wrote a song about her. He said it's called ''Give me that Cunt.'' He played the bit and said he can't believe this is the guy who he loved on the Mets. Howard said there's nothing that he won't record. He said he loves it. He said it's pretty hard core.
Howard said Lenny comes on to everyone. He said there was a story about Lenny coming on to Lena Dunham. Howard said she was at a baseball game with her boyfriend and his name is Jack Antonoff. Howard said Lenny was told that Lena likes baseball and baseball players. Lenny wrote to her on Twitter and someone who is a friend of her's told her to Google Lenny. She was having a fun flirtation and then she read something about Lenny. Howard said then she realized that he was disgusting. Howard said she tweeted something to him about being disgusting and Lenny didn't care. Howard said he kept going with her and they had this whole exchange. Howard said they had a good idea after that and called Lenny pretending to be Lena Dunham. He said they tried to gross him out.
Howard said they called Lenny and they had fake Lena (Rachel Butera) saying gross stuff to him. Howard played the call. They had fake Lena asking if he had room for more women in his stable. She said she'd bring her slot when they meet up. Lenny told her he has a semi. He said that it's hard to make him cum though. Lena said sometimes she shits when the door is open. Lenny said he doesn't want to know about that. He said no one is allowed to shit in his house. Fake Lena told him she has IBS and she shits a lot. Lenny eventually hung up on her.
Howard said that's how you get rid of Lenny. He said his Kryptonite is shit. Howard said he hung up on Lena. Howard asked if that's awesome. Robin said now women can do that to him and he'll leave them alone.
Howard said he should probably take a break. He wanted to play a Tan Mom embedded. Robin said she wishes she was on that with Memet. Howard said he wishes he was too. He said he's never heard anything like this in his life.
Howard said all of October will be Cocktober. He said they'll have all kinds of cock related hijinks during the month. He said that the staff had a meeting yesterday and every day in October will be covered in cock humor. Howard said they're getting a lot of letters about how fans don't want this but he's doing it. Howard said don't be uptight.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Gary impression and talking about how they're going to have noine inches of cock. He was doing the ''noine'' thing a lot and singing a song. Howard said it's not gay, it's funny. He had fake Gary agreeing with him. Sour was singing and saying ''Noine'' over and over as Howard went to break.
- Anthony Bourdain's Girlfriend. 09/20/17. 8:10am
After the break they played a ''Toddler radio'' bit where they had people explaining what an abortion was in baby voices. They also played a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' song parody and a phony phone call the guys made to a woman using clips of Howard.
Howard came back and mentioned that the Howard Stern Show song was by Hatebreed. He said they cut an original song. Howard said Robin knows who Hatebreed is.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has seen Anthony Bourdain's girlfriend on Instagram. Howard said he's not sure who that is. The caller said he's a chef. Robin said he's a chef who travels around the world. Howard said he's not going to watch that. The caller said he has to see the girlfriend. He said her name is Sia Argento or something like that.
Howard said Ronnie was walking Marilyn Manson out yesterday and he ran into Adriana Lima up there. Howard said Ronnie said she was beyond smoking hot. Howard said Marilyn was trying to get down with her but nothing happened. Howard said she was a big fan of his and he figured he could score with her according to Ronnie.
Howard asked if this Anthony Bourdain's girlfriend is a model or something. Robin said she thinks she's an actress. Howard said he's not going to watch these travel shows where they show people eating. Howard said fuck him. He said his opinion is as valid as his.
Howard asked where Ronnie is. Gary said he's downstairs. Gary tripped coming in the studio again. Howard said it's his job to tell guests not to trip on them and he trips on them. Howard said it's irony that he almost fell.
Gary had a picture of Bourdain's girlfriend. Howard said she is hot. He said he's not sure about the tattoos the caller is talking about. Howard said he sees her in a dress and doesn't see any tattoos. The caller said she has tattoos on her thigh that she shows off in pictures. He said she's super cute. Gary had a picture of the girl with tattoos too. Howard said he doesn't think it's the same girl. Gary said it is. Howard said she got a lot of tattoos. He said she looks better without them. The caller was still going on and on about her. Howard said he has to go. He doesn't care that much.
- Memet Embedded With Tan Mom. 09/20/17. 8:15am
Howard said they sent Memet out to hang with Tan Mom. He said he's a good looking guy so they sent him out there to hang with Tan Mom. Howard said she's only been a part of the show for 5 years. He said it seems a lot longer. Howard said that she was in the news for allegedly putting her 5 year old in a tanning bed. He said she denies doing that.
Howard said Tan Mom lives in Jersey in some house that's in a nice neighborhood but it's not that nice of a house. Howard said he wants to talk to Memet but he can't ask him about his sex life or he'll get freaked out.
Memet came in and said he didn't freak out. He said it was just one time. Memet said everyone has cried on the show at least once. Howard said Fred has never cried. Gary has never cried. Memet said real men cry. Howard said he likes that he cut his hair. He said he should try to be masculine. He said his parents have suffered enough shame.
Howard said last time Memet was in there they lost him for a few hours. Memet said he'll be fine. Howard said Memet ran out crying and disappeared. Howard said he had a hiding place. Memet said he felt very embarrassed about that. Robin said he's like a cat who hides. Howard said he was worried about him. He said he had a freak out and he told the guys to go find him. He said he was gone for hours. Memet said that's an exaggeration. Howard played a song parody about Memet crying.
Howard asked Memet about the Tan Mom house. Memet said the house looks like a haunted house when you walk up to it. Howard said as he walks up to the house Memet can hear Tan Mom screaming in the house. Howard played the clip and Tan Mom was screaming at the top of her lungs. Her husband said that he had to go.
<>Memet said she's so mean to her husband. He said he's not sure how he puts up with it. He said he's a saint. Howard said he seems super normal. Memet said he is. He said he treats her really nice and she calls him names like moron. He said she has wild mood swings. He said she'll be very happy one second and very angry 10 seconds later. Howard said it's a house of horrors.
Howard said Tan Mom wasn't able to do a microphone check. Howard played a clip of Tan Mom testing the microphone out and she said she hates marriage and her ex's come around. She was going on and on about her landscapers and stuff.
Memet said it's like interviewing someone on acid. He said she came down with zit cream on her face and she had it everywhere but on the zit.
Howard said he has a clip of Memet getting a tour of the house which is very dark and dingy. Memet said it wasn't air conditioned so it was very hot. He said it was miserable. Howard said the house was filled with antiques.
Howard played a clip of Memet talking to Tan Mom about the stuff she has in her house. Tan Mom said that they're from the war. She said they're from the 1800s. She said they go back to the Holocaust in the 1800s. Memet asked her about her favorite room in the house. Tan Mom said that she doesn't like anything. Howard said she's a little off with that. Memet said everything is a little messed up with her.
Memet said that deep down she's a very nice person. Howard said that Sal must like her because she knows history like he knows history. Howard said they think the Jews won against the Lizard people back in the 1800s.
Memet said it's like wanting to sleep with Wendy the Slow Adult when you see her. He said that the house looks like it's about to fall apart at any second.
Howard said Memet just saw one pet at her house and it was a bunny hiding in a corner of its cage. Howard played a clip of Memet talking to Tan Mom about the pets. She said their bird passed away. She said they feed the rabbit pizza and sushi. She said she doesn't give a damn if it's good for them. Memet said that she was talking about how if they like it then it's fine for them.
Howard said he has Tanner Mom on the phone. It was Shuli doing his Tan Mom impression. Howard spent a minute talking to him about the rabbit who he also had on the phone. One of the guys was doing a voice saying ''Help me please.''
Howard said Memet asked Tan Mom where she gets her news. Howard played the clip and Tan Mom said she doesn't even know what he said. Memet said it's news and what's going on in the world. Tan Mom said she keeps reading 9/11 because it reminds her that the world is falling apart.
Howard said Tan Mom answered better than Sarah Palin. Howard talked more to Tanner Mom who was telling Memet to try not to cry, pussy. She said she has Anne Frank's tampons from World War I.
Howard asked if Memet was shocked when she didn't understand that question. Memet said not at all. Howard said at one point Tan Mom was packing bags of Matzo for the crew. Howard played the clip and Tan Mom was explaining the Jewish holidays to the guys.
Howard told Shuli to come in and do Tanner Mom in the studio. He was right outside so he came right in. Howard said he likes to look at him when he's doing the impression. Howard talked to him as Tanner Mom for a few minutes. Howard was cracking up at some of the impression he was doing.
Howard asked Memet if Tan Mom knows who he is. Memet said that a couple of days after he was there she posted a picture with Steve Nowicki and said ''Great day with Memet'' so maybe not. He said he was right in front of her face for hours that day though.
Howard said her husband seems like a saint. Howard said he's kind of beaten down. Howard said he feels bad for the guy. Howard played a clip of Memet talking to the husband about how things are. He said things are very difficult and she calls him useless and a waste and things like that. Shuli said she had to be carried out of a photo shoot and she calls him useless.
Shuli said he moved to Florida and he had to come back home with her. He said Tan Mom said she threw him right in the basement when he came home.
Howard said the poor guy gets kind of brow beaten. Shuli said when he was at that photo shoot Tan Mom said if he came down there one more time she'd shoot him right in the fucking head. Howard said it seems like the honeymoon is over.
Howard said this is the weirdest clip. He said they're going to the tanning salon. Memet said that she's in a stretch limo. Howard said she yells at her husband the whole time calling him ''driver.'' Howard played the clip and Tan Mom said they were going to the tanning salon. she asked the driver to change the music that was playing. She was yelling at her husband who was driving.
Howard said this is so fascinating. He said he would watch a documentary of her. Memet said that you'd watch her 24/7 on a web cam. He said High Pitch does nothing but Tan Mom would be great. Howard said it would be great to put a GoPro on the husband's head.
Howard said Tan Mom asked to heard some album. Shuli said she's a big Bruce Springsteen fan. Howard talked to Shuli as Tanner Mom talking about Bruce.
Howard said when they got to the tanning salon Memet talked to the owner of the salon. That guy told him that she uses the strongest tanning bed they have. Memet said he was standing next to it and he could feel the power of the bed going through him. Howard said Tan Mom is like a color that isn't real. Shuli said she's like leather.
Howard played a clip of the owner of the salon talking about Tan Mom using the tanning bed. He said that she comes out of the bed and she's smiling and in a good mood after being in it. Howard said it sounds like instant cancer to him. Memet said it's like standing next to a nuclear reactor.
Howard said Tan Mom goes into it fully nude. Memet said she was naked in this part. Howard said Memet is standing next to her and she goes into a trance. Memet said she can't even speak once that thing turns on. Howard played a clip of the tanning bed noise. Memet said he can feel the heat from it already. Memet tried talking to her but she wasn't saying a word.
Howard said that he didn't know that tanning beds even existed anymore. Howard said he's uptight about that shit.
Howard said he thinks that Tan Mom was trying to seduce Memet. He asked if she was wearing goggles in the tanning bed. Memet said she only wears the goggles and tennis shoes. Howard said maybe that's how she's able to prove that she's still white.
Shuli said that he went to check on Tan Mom one day when she was up there. He said she was in the green room and her legs were up and her side meat was showing. He said she was saying that it helps her back. Memet said she will wear a low cut dress and her nipple sticks out. He said she doesn't even know it.
Howard said her tanning bed is 16,000 watts. Howard said that sounds like a lot. Howard said he'd be afraid of that.
Howard played a clip of Tan Mom talking about having sex when they asked her to sign some forms. She asked the guys if they wanted to go to bed. She laughed maniacally when she asked. Shuli did an impression of her doing that. He had Howard cracking up at the impression.
Howard said he likes how she gets kind of masculine at the end. Shuli did the impression and exaggerated that a bit. Howard said he could listen to her all day long. Robin said they should do the Tan Mom show.
Howard asked if she did that all day with Memet. Memet said she was doing that a lot. Shuli was still doing the laugh after saying something sexual bit. Howard played a Tan Mom song parody.
They went to break after that.
- Rob Schneider Visits. 09/20/17. 8:55am
After the break they played a song parody about Bobo. They played a phony phone call the guys made to an internet radio show where they were trying to cheer up the host with clips of Ronnie as a clown. They played a song parody about JD and his dirty sheets. They played Van Halen's ''Hot for Teacher'' and a ''Salute to Teachers'' bit where they played school porn clips. They played Billy Joel performing ''Summer, Highland Falls'' at the Billy Joel Town Hall. They also played a ''Al Queda'' commercial parody.
Howard came back and said that Rob Schneider is there. He said Rob is in the greatest movie ever made ''Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.'' Howard said he can't figure out his microphone over there. He said they changed his board around. He said if he storms out he'll understand.
Howard said he's not bullshitting about Deuce Bigalow. He said that it's so funny. Rob said they had a good time on that. Howard asked Rob about going to do stand up and if people want him to do that character. Rob said they do yell stuff out from the movie. He said he tries to just keep going.
Howard asked if he likes doing stand up. Rob said he does. He said he hated it when he has rough nights but then you have good nights and it's great. He said he started out in the early 80s. He said he started when he was like 17.
Howard said he wants to go through this with him. Rob said his dad had comedy albums and he was interested in that. Rob said he has a 4 year old and he plays music for her and she ends up liking it. He said of course she does because he likes it. Howard said his dad never had anything he listened to. He said his mom had show tunes.
Rob said that his dad would go out in San Francisco to comedy shows. Howard asked if Rob grew up out there. Rob said he did. He said he heard about this club in town and Robin Williams was out there. He said Robin was such a supernova that they'd open clubs just based on him. Rob said thank god for Robin. He said Robin did the Nanu, Nanu thing and they used to make fun of him for that. He said he had 60 million people watch him on the series finale of the show.
Howard said that it was remarkable to Rob that he had that. Howard asked if he was jealous of him. Rob said with comedians it's like ''how dare you get famous.'' He said how dare they not hang out and have pizza at 4 in the morning. Rob said that when Robin would show up the place would get packed. He said he'd do 2 hours and then the people would leave. He said that he was electric. He said if it wasn't going good he'd switch it up quickly.
Howard asked if he was working in the club. Rob said he was the bartender and they only served beer so it was an easy job. He said he was there to do his material and get laid. Howard said he didn't have a big act. Rob said he didn't even know what to do. Howard asked if he got intimidated. Rob said he did. He said Robin had this thing that was a blessing and a curse so he had to live up to this comic genius thing.
Howard asked if Robin ever bombed. Rob said he never saw it if he did. He said he had to work to under deliver. He said the audience was ready for him. He said he was making movies and TV. He said he had already done stand up specials and stuff. Howard asked if he had success right away. Rob said Robin was so great that he came out to see him do his Netflix special. He almost said HBO. Rob said he's sorry about that. He said he's on Netflix and thank you Netflix.
Rob said Robin Williams was so great because he'd say nice things about you to make you feel good. He said he came out to see him perform at this Netflix special he was recording. He said he had this bit he did that he thought was perfect. He said Robin came up with a better ending. He said he told him how to do it and he was right. Howard said that's very generous.
Howard asked if he was close to Robin. Rob said he wasn't. He said he was a guy who was in his orbit and he was just around him.
Howard asked Rob about coming up in the business and if these other guys were inspirations to him. Rob said they were. He said that Robin made it huge and then they had people like Dana Carvey and guys like that. He said he learned a lot from Dana. He said he was known as a comedian in San Francisco. He said he'd do impressions and weave them into every day life. He said he was electric. He said Dana was like an athlete. Rob said that Dana would come in and do this act and they'd stand back watching thinking they can't do what he does.
Howard said it has to be intimidating to be there. Rob said all of those guys are generous. He said that they have their talent and they're not afraid to help. Rob said he had a guy managing Dana, Paula Poundstone, him and some other guys.
Rob said they had booked Jay Leno in a club and he was asked to pick Jay up as his driver. He said that his manager told him he'd absorb something from Jay just watching him. He said Jay was big back then. He said he had a sign he held up for Jay and he was waiting for him in the airport. He said he didn't talk or anything. He said he just brought him to the radio station and the gig. He said Jay asked him to bring him to a Chinese restaurant. He said he went to eat and Jay talked to him at the restaurant. He said Jay asked how many minutes he had. He said he had about 8. He said Jay talked to him about that and for the next six months he worked on 5 minutes because that's what he told him to do.
Rob said Jerry Seinfeld was in town too so he got to know more about him. He said he had been on the Tonight Show like 42 times. Rob said that Jerry said take out the dirty words and if the joke is still funny then it's a good joke. Howard said he's still like that.
Howard said Jay told him to do the 5 minutes and kill and that's all you need when you get on TV. Rob said that Jay told him you only need 20 minutes to become a star. Rob said that none of the guys who he came up with had more than 20. He said he was right. That's all you need.
Rob said that he had a killer 20 minutes but that was it. He said none of them could do 45. Howard asked if he remembers any of it. Rob said he remembers some of it. He said he had a joke about the word ''dude'' and how it has many meanings like the word Aloha. He said he did that On Letterman and that was part of his 5 minutes.
Howard said Rob got on Letterman. He asked if he was a nervous wreck. Rob said he was nervous. He said Dennis Miller was here with him and he was a big help. Rob said that his manager told him to say no to Letterman's people and then they ended up calling him over and over. He said this was back in the 80s. Howard said it must have killed him to say no. Rob said his manager told him to do that. Howard said he thinks that Billy Crystal had a story like that. He said sometimes if you say no they want you more.
Howard said Rob must have been crushed. Rob said that 6 months later he was better so it was good that he waited. Howard asked if he wasn't so nervous after that. Rob said it was before they mic'd the crowd. He said he went out there and did his thing. He said it looks huge on TV but it's just 8 feet away that Dave is sitting. Rob said he did a joke and only Dave was laughing. He said he looked kind of weird so he just let them hear Dave laugh. He said the second joke the only person laughing was Dave. He said Dave was genuinely laughing and then the audience got into it and he murdered the rest of the act.
Howard asked if Dave was nice to him. Rob said Dave told him they had been trying to get him on the show for 6 months. Rob said he knew it meant a lot to him though.
Howard said Dave had him on recently and he sicks to the story that he sucked at stand up. Rob said the time Dave put into the late night show was great and you can see the time they put into it. He said that he respects the time too much to say he was a great stand up.
Rob said that the travel sucks but Chris Rock talked him into going back into it. Howard said he thinks that Rob ran into Chris after Saturday Night Live and he was back into stand up and what did he say to him. Rob said that Chris wasn't packing them in at the club but his act was really good. He said he was feeling like he wished it was packed. He said Chris knew he was about to blow up. Rob said there's so much delusion in the industry that he just hoped he was right. He said Chris told him this new act was going to blow up and he was right. Rob said he saw some of the act and where it was going and it was good. He said Chris isn't just up there getting laughs. He said he's trying to change people's position. He said Louis C.K. is like that too. He said he's very helpful with him as well.
Howard asked if Rob thinks the Chris Rock thing was the best or one of the best stand up specials out there. Rob said it was right up there in the top 3 or so. He said that you die waiting for someone to say the stuff he says. Howard said he just watched some of it the other night. Howard asked how he did that. He said he wasn't a great stand up and then that happened. Rob said that he made the leap. He said he had some truth to his stuff. He said Pryor was so deadly honest about himself. He said he shot a car and he came out talking about that. He said that he did a joke about the cops coming out and how the cops don't shoot cars, they shoot nig-ars.
Howard said that he used to get jealous of radio guys who got jobs in big markets. He said that must be what it's like for a stand up seeing these other guys. Rob said that you have to become selective and pick out the parts that you like and figure out what it is. He said you have to dissect it. He said he's at the point now where he loves it. Howard said Jerry Seinfeld loves going out on stage still. Rob said it's like surfing in a sense. He said that it's like riding a wave. He said you get the perfect one and you'll never have it again.
Rob said Louis C.K. had a great show and he's so honest and open. He said he went back stage and thanked him because that's the goal they all have to get to. He said he wants to try to do that. He said he saw Louis the next night and it was amazing but not quite as good. He said that it wasn't at the same level. He said Louis saw it coming and he kept that in his head.
Howard asked if Rob opened up for the band Dead or Alive. Rob said he did. He said he was into that kind of music back in the day. He said their fans were really rough. He said they thought those kids were going to love him. Howard asked if that's the toughest gig for a comic. Rob said it is. He said you're in the way of their heroes. Rob said he got hit in the head with a quarter. He said he almost lost his eye. He said he stayed up there and then a shot glass flew by his head. He said he was done after that. He said they told him it wasn't working out after that.
Howard said there's a theme with his history. He said when Lorne Michaels found him for Saturday Night Live they found him in a club and he told them to fuck off. Rob said that he was at the Improv in L.A. and Lorne was there. He said he had that club and he knew he had a monster 10 minutes. He said he was nervous out there though. He said this guy up before him was singing and stuff. He said he went out and did his act where he did the dude bit. He said he just walked out. He said he didn't even want to talk to Lorne. He said the next day Lorne wanted to meet with him. He said he had a gig in San Diego and if he wants to meet him he can fly him to New York. Rob said he broke out in a sweat wondering if he just blew his career. He said they actually flew him to New York after that. He said he was the only guy they did that for. Rob said that Lorne hired him as a writer.
Howard said they teamed Rob up with David Spade. Rob said this was in the 89-90 season and they said they were a writing team even though they weren't. He said that Spade wasn't his partner though. He said that he loves David and they've worked things out. Howard said David came in there and talked about that. Rob said his daughter Elle King has Spade as her godfather. Howard said David accused Rob of stealing a sketch. Rob said that there are only a couple of ways that could have gone. He said maybe he forgot to put his name on the sketch or maybe it never happened. He said maybe Spade made it up or he was looking for credit for everything. Rob said that he asked David what happened. He said David said he was jealous. He said it hit for him though. He said that he hit with the copy machine guy before Spade hit. Rob said he gave Sandler a sketch without a line and he was upset about that. He said you have to have lines or you get fired.
Howard said that Rob said that Spade could put it in his book. Rob said that he's sure he could have put other stuff in the book too. Howard said it sounds like you're constantly paranoid in this job. Rob said you are.
Rob said Judd Apatow and Adam Sandler were living together in L.A. and he went and slept on their couch. He said that none of them were getting work until Sandler got a job in a movie. He said they were jealous of that.
Howard asked if he was asked to do the Roseanne show. Rob said Roseanne was a genius and he wrote for her. He said that she wrote him in as a character but then he took Saturday Night Live. He said that it was his dream to be on Saturday Night Live and he had to do it. Rob said that guys like Eddie Murphy became superstars from the show.
Rob said that he's happy that Saturday Night Live has had a resurgence. Howard said it's amazing that they're still going. He said it's great.
Howard asked Rob if he took acting lessons. Rob said he did take some. He said he went out to L.A. and crashed his car on the way there. He said that a truck driver pulled him out of that. Rob said he went to buy a car with $300 and drove down for this audition he was going on. He said he had no acting experience and he was a mess. He was auditioning for a Dan Aykroyd movie. He said he was all sweaty with a leather jacket on. He said he just went and read the script and the woman wasn't smiling. He said he didn't get the job so his manager talked to Garry Shandling and he suggested going to this great guy who taught acting. Rob said he hit a pedestrian when he was on his way there. He said he rolled through a stop sign and this guy just yelled at him and kept walking.
Howard asked if the acting class was the one that Brad Pitt was in. Rob said it was. He said Sharon Stone was there too. He said he met David Spade in that calls too. He said Elizabeth Shue was here too. He said Jeff Goldblum was there and so was Jim Carrey. He said all of those guys knew they were going to make it. He said Sharon was the one who had already made it but the rest of them knew they were going to make it. Rob said Roy London was this guy who taught the class and he knew he was gong to make it. He said Roy told him that.
Howard asked if he had to audition for the class. Rob said he was let in because he saw him on Letterman. Howard said Garry Shandling was a great guy for helping him out too. Howard said David Brenner doesn't get enough credit. Rob said he's one of those guys who did 142 Tonight Shows and you can't do that without great material. Howard said Robert Klein was another one. Rob said you see that in Jerry Seinfeld. He said you can tell that he was an inspiration for Seinfeld.
Howard said they've gone through the history of comedy. Rob said he still loves it. He said he wishes he had more energy for it.
Howard said Deuce Bigalow was great but then the second one came out. Rob said they just did it too fast. He said they just came up with it and figured it would be a hit. He said it's never that easy. Howard said you've got to write it ahead of time and know it kills first. Rob said you can't just make a hit. He said you always fall on your face. Rob said you have to be excited about it.
Howard said Rob has a second season of ''Real Rob'' on Netflix. Howard said he put up his own money for the first season. Rob said they did the whole series on his dime. Rob said he was out of his mind. Howard said when you produce your own show it has to cost a fortune. Rob said it was millions. He said his agent told the L.A. Times that he was nuts for putting his own money into it. He said that he wasn't on his team so he got rid of that guy. Howard said he really put his money where his mouth is.
Rob said they had a TV show on CBS and they had 11 million people watching it. He said they did the show for Netflix and they bought it. He said they bought it after watching the first 5 minutes.
Howard said Rob figured he had enough interest to do it somewhere else. Rob said he doesn't recommend paying for a show with your own money. He said they had to go out and provide the Craft Services and stuff. He said they had to do it all. He said that he had to do it and not fail. Howard said Netflix ended up buying it and he got his money back on that. Howard asked if they paid for the second season. Rob said they did. He said it was a lot more expensive. Howard said Spade and Norm Macdonald waived their fees for the first season. Rob said it was very nice. He said he had a bunch of people do that. Howard asked if they'd make another Deuce Bigalow. Rob said he doesn't want to take his shirt off at his age of 50. Howard said that would be funny. Robin said she loved the movie Big Stan too. Howard said he demands a new Deuce Bigalow.
Howard said that Rob got into a war with Roger Ebert about his movie. Rob said he did and he called Howard's show when he was on one time. Rob said that he and Roger's wife have become friends since he died. He said that he hated Roger Ebert for a while but then he realized he loved him because he found out about movies that he'd never hear about. Howard said he eviscerated him on the second Deuce movie. Rob said he heard Roger was sick and he sent him a note and thanked him for sharing his love of cinema with everyone. He said that they loved movies or hated them. He said he went to see movies because of them. Rob said that he wanted him to know he loved him.
Rob said he signed it ''Your least favorite movie star, Rob Schneider.'' He said his wife said that he loved that. Howard said that Roger said the movie Deuce Bigalow was so bad that it gave him cancer.
Howard asked if Rob is going to the shrink at all. rob said he has to go for his wife. Howard had the guys bring in his wife. He wanted to see who he's making love to. Rob said they just did that last night. Robin said this is a child. Rob said that she's in her 30s so calm down there Robin.
Howard said that Patricia is his wife. Howard said that she is Mexican. Patricia said that her parents are in L.A. but there are people she knows in Mexico City who she is worried about. Howard asked if Rob is a tough guy to be with. Patricia said he's very sweet but he's very intense. Robin asked what he gets intense about. Patricia said it's the dumbest things. She said he should get intense about some things and not about others. Rob asked what stupid things. Patricia said he will get upset if he can't find something. Howard said he looks to her as the mother. Patricia said he contains it a lot and he knows he can't blow up over some things.
Rob said that his projects are important to him and he knows they can't be important to others. Howard asked if Rob is a good lover. Patricia said that the good thing is that he's an older man and he has practice a lot.
Howard said Patricia plays Rob's wife on Real Rob too. Rob said they wrote it together. Howard asked if she wanted to play his wife on the show. Rob said he had to beg her to play her. He said she knows every dirty joke and she just absorbs everything. He said it's great with another culture because they don't see where the punch lines are coming from.
Howard asked how the writing works. Rob said they write separately. He said they have a go between who puts it all together.
Howard asked where she met Rob. Patricia said that he was a guest on her show. She said she met him in Mexico. She said she didn't want him on because he didn't speak Spanish. She said she thought he was going to bring her ratings down. She said she was a producer down there. She wasn't even on the show. Howard said Rob shows up and then what. Rob said he tried to hit on her. He said he had her come to his movie premiere for Big Stan. she said she brought a guy with her. Patricia said she didn't know he was trying to hit on her. Howard asked how they ended up as a couple. Rob said he started emailing her and asking her questions about coming out to dinner in L.A. Rob said she took like 2 weeks to get back to him. Patricia said she brought her mom on the date. Howard said that's old school. Rob said he saw her mother and it turned into a reservation for 3. Rob said that she brought a special phone with her just in case he was going to try to kill her. Patricia said that she had a whole plan for getting his mom out of there if things were going well. Rob said he worked the mom and he's still doing that. He said she's actually great and they've been married for 8 years now.
Rob said he moved her up there and she gave up her career down in Mexico. Howard said that he's excited for them. Howard said they have the marriage thing going and they have kids. Rob said that the show is based on their life but it's exaggerated.
Howard said he likes to see Rob happy. Rob said that she has saved him. Howard asked how old the kids are. Patricia said that they have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. Howard said if they had a boy his friends would come over to see her by the pool.
Howard asked Rob about President Trump and he was defending him saying he's the president and people were protesting him before he was even in office. Howard said that he made some comments about Mexicans though. Rob said that those were terrible. He said Trump can't help himself. Howard asked if the Mexicans are upset with Trump. Patricia said she thinks that they all are.
Howard wrapped up and gave Rob and Patricia some plugs for the new season of Real Rob. Howard said they have to write some nudity into the show. Howard asked if Patricia would ever appear nude. She said she wouldn't. Rob said he's not sure he'd do nudity. Howard said he wasn't looking for that. Howard said you can also check out Rob's web site RobSchneider.com.
Howard asked Rob about his feud with Seth Rogen on Twitter. Rob spent a minute talking about that and how he said something that upset Seth. He spent a minute talking about a bit he does in his act where he uses Seth's name.
Rob said that Patricia is great because she's never excited about celebrities. He said she's more excited about Property Brothers than someone like P. Diddy. Patricia said she liked some guys on America's Got Talent that Rob rented for her on her birthday. Howard said that all good things must come to an end so he wrapped up and went to break.
- Howard's Broken Beer Can Piss And The Top 5 Songs. 09/20/17. 10:25am
After the break they played a Baba Booey song parody. Howard came back and talked about he Charlie XCX song Fred had playing. Howard did the top 5 songs after that. Howard said number 5 is Sam Smith. Howard said he read a review of that album and it said it's good. Howard said number 4 is Despacito. Howard had a clip of Fake Underdog Lady (Rachel Butera) singing that. Howard said number 3 is ''1-800-273-8255'' by Logic featuring Alessia Cara & Khalid. Howard had Fake Underdog singing that one too. Howard had her singing ''Bodak Yellow (Money Moves)'' too. Howard said number 1 is Taylor Swift with ''Look What You Made Me Do.'' Howard said he remembers when that song came out people said it was a stumble for her. Howard said meanwhile the kids like it. Robin said it is number 1. Howard said there's already a Bobo song parody to the tune of that song. He played that Eli Braden parody. Howard had Fake Underdog singing that one as well.
Howard said he had to run to the bathroom after Rob left. Howard said he gets exhausted from doing that. Howard said he's not sure what happens but his urine sprays everywhere. Howard said he's all lined up and then it sprays all over. Howard said it's like a busted beer can. Robin was cracking up hearing that. Robin asked if it hits his clothes. Howard said it doesn't. He said he's trying to stand up like a man but it sprays. He said it gets on the rim of the toilet and the floor. He said he takes toilet paper and wipes it up with his foot. He said it sticks to his foot and he can pick it up with his foot. He said he doesn't want to get his hands dirty.
Fred said it sounds like he's taking 5 times as long to pee with that. Howard said as you get older it gets worse. He said he's lined up and aiming but it sprays. He said areas must get sealed up and blocked. Fred said sometimes that happens after sex when things get blocked. Howard told Fred to leave him alone. He said everything is exhausting.
Howard said Rob Schneider's wife is very attractive. He asked if Robin saw that. Robin said she did. Robin said Howard was doing what he hates by asking how Rob got her. Howard said she was a very nice woman. He said he kind of ignored her when she was walking out. He was playing hard to get even though she's married with two kids. ward said that goes back to high school. He said the kids don't even notice him.
- Robin's News. 09/20/17. 10:35am
Howard said it's time for some news. Fred played Robin into it with a song parody. Howard said Robin must like that one. Robin said it's okay.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's calling to find out if Howard doesn't like Native Americans. Howard said he loves Native Americans. He said he's against the teams the Indians and Redskins. The caller said he's goofing on Native Americans. He said he was goofing on Leonardo DiCaprio when he made his speech. Howard said he's wearing a headdress now. Howard said he loves Native Americans and he thinks they were dealt a bum fucking deal in life. He said they had a beautiful culture and they were screwed over. The caller was going on about something about them being stereotyped as environmentalists but Howard said he can't take it and hung up. Howard said he read a book about how the Native Americans were screwed over. Howard said his sister stayed on a reservation for a short time when she was young. Howard said Fred is the one who is anti-Native American. He said he's just kidding of course. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin started her news with a story about somebody saying that there might be a time where Liza Minelli would stop singing. Robin said TMZ went to her and asked if that's true. Robin had some audio of Liza responding and singing for the guy. Howard said they should have shut that guy from TMZ up and let her sing.
Robin said they say that good fences make good neighbors. Robin said you don't argue if you know where your property line is. Robin said there's a story about Kathy Griffin living next door to the CEO of a large company and the guy is getting sick of Kathy complaining about the noise coming from his property. She complained about his grandchildren playing in the pool. Howard said that's going to happen. Robin said this happened on a Saturday evening and that's going to happen. Howard said we have to live next door to people. Robin said this guy made some remarks about her and they were recorded. Robin had some audio of the neighbor cursing out Kathy and her boyfriend Randy. The guy was calling for a war. Howard said that's just your sanctuary where you want to go and that's what's going on.
Howard said Kathy is having a hell of a year. Howard asked where she is. Robin said she's been laying low. Gary said he's in touch with her. He said she still hasn't given her side about Trump yet. Howard said they have to get her in there. Robin said the guy who was yelling is the CEO of a home builder and they had to apologize for what happened. Howard said maybe he was blasting music or something. Robin said they're kids making kid noises. That's it. Howard said maybe they could have asked for the guy to quiet down. Robin said apparently they've complained a half dozen times but the complaints were dismissed. Howard said if someone complained to him about noise he'd just quiet down. Howard said he lives like a fucking monk. Howard said people freak out when they hear he's moving in but he's so quiet. He said he has lived next to some real assholes. He said he wouldn't even want to live near Robin with those wind chimes. Howard said he doesn't care about her wind chimes now because he doesn't live there. Howard said everyone is an asshole. Robin said you can't just leave if you plunk down money on a house. Howard said she's right about that.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were doing a bit about Robin's wind chimes and had her neighbor complaining about her wind chimes.
Robin said she can't imagine someone using the C-word. Robin said he's a wealthy man but he's a mad man. Howard said he called her a ''fucking cunt.'' Howard asked why they put music behind this clip. Robin said that was the Huffington Post that did that. Howard said the guy sounds like the agent dude he does the impression of. Howard did the agent voice and Fred played music behind him like the Huffington Post did. Howard replayed the clip and the guy told Kathy's boyfriend that he's stuck with a ''bald Dyke'' too. Howard said this guy runs a company and now this is out there. Robin said it's a home company. Howard said he's never heard of the company KB Home. Howard did more of his agent voice and had the music playing again. Howard said they don't know much about it but it seems like they should go to an arbitrator or something. Howard continued to do the voice. He said he can't imagine dealing with that. He said that's a crazy situation.
Robin read a story about Kendall Jenner and how some people say she's not a model but she thinks she is. Howard said that she's a model like an Instagram model is a model. Robin said that Kendall was signed by Adidas and just 4 months later they have passed Air Jordan as the number 2 sneaker seller. Fred said he thinks she's making as much as Adriana Lima. Howard said he thinks it's more.
Robin read a story about Jada Pinkett Smith being outed as a Scientologist by Leah Remini. Howard said she has to calm down with that. Robin said Jada is denying it. Howard asked why Leah is so into outing her. Howard said that Jada says she's not and he's taking her word.
Robin read a story about Ryan Phillippe is being accused of kicking, hitting and pushing his girlfriend down a flight of stairs in July. Robin had some details about that. Howard said he hopes there's a misunderstanding there. Gary said he's reading that the prosecutor is not pressing charges but the woman is suing. Howard said they're rooting for him if he's innocent. He said if he's not they'll abandon him. Robin asked if he'd go visit a friend in prison. Howard said no fucking way. He said he might get raped. He said he'll tell Ryan he'll see him in 15 years. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin brought up the hip hop artist Mystikal. Howard said he had a song he loved. Fred had it ready and played ''Bouncin' Back'' for him. Robin said he turned himself in to authorities for an alleged assault. Robin said it took place in Louisiana at a casino. Robin had another song of his that Howard might know. Howard said he's not sure but once he played ''Shake Ya Ass'' he knew it. Howard said he loves that song but he's not going to visit him in prison either. Robin said Mystikal just got out of prison in 2010 and now he may go back.
Howard took a call from a Balls who said Rob Schneider was great. He asked if Howard ever fantasized about fictional characters. Howard said George Washington. Robin said he's not fictional. Howard asked if Wonder Woman counts. Balls said yes. Howard said he doesn't like fantasizing. He said this is going nowhere. Howard said Balls has the worst phone connection today. Balls mentioned Pennywise the clown but Howard let him go a short time later.
Robin said the clown is from the movie ''It.'' Robin said that the guy playing the clown is really creepy.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Ryan Phillippe has the hottest body. She said that Robin has to check out his Instagram. Howard said he gave Robin a lap dance and she acted like she was in pain. Mariann said that she saw Paul McCartney last night. Howard had Fred play her off like she's at the Emmys. Mariann kept talking. Fred played the music louder until Howard hung up.
Howard said Paul McCartney has been doing some shows there. Howard said he's fantastic. He said he's seen him a bunch of times. Howard said it's no joke. Howard said he can't believe Fred forgot to play her off. Fred said he's sorry about that.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump speaking at the United Nations. Robin had a clip of Trump saying that if we're threatened then we're going to totally destroy North Korea. Howard said he sounds so miserable reading off a script. He said he just wants to unload. Howard said it's weird when he's reading. He played another clip and said that's not what he sounds like. He said they're taming him. Howard said he's sure he wanted to rip that North Korean guy a new asshole. Robin had a bunch of clips that she had Howard playing. Howard said someone wrote all of this for him. Robin mentioned Hillary Clinton being on Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night. Robin had some audio clips of her talking about the speech Trump made. Robin had some audio of John Kerry talking about Trump as well.
Howard took another call from Mariann from Brooklyn and Fred played her right off again. Howard wondered why she was back on the phone. She was talking about going to the concert and Paul singing Happy Birthday to Jimmy Fallon. Howard said Jimmy is living a charmed life. He said imagine a Beatles is singing Happy Birthday to you. Robin said that is heady. Howard wondered why he can't get something like that.
Howard had Sour Shoes on the phone doing his Paul McCartney impression. He was talking about how there's something wrong with Howard for asking him for an autograph. Howard let him go a short time later. Howard said Sour Shoes made an appearance at a beef jerky store. He said he should have kept him on the line. Howard asked if Robin has ever heard of a beef jerky store. Robin said she's never. Howard asked how that works. Gary said he watched a report about jerky being a thing now. He said he's not sure where Sour was. Howard said he used to love jerky but he doesn't eat meat anymore. Howard said his father called him a jerk so much he went for the jerky. Howard wondered what Sour does at that appearance. He said he got paid in jerky from what he heard.
Robin read a story about Melania Trump holding a luncheon for the world leaders today. Howard said she must be miserable too. He said she's a quiet and demure woman. Robin said she has been around her too and she still doesn't know what her voice sounds like. Howard said she really is quiet.
Robin read a story about Ivanka Trump calling for more response to modern slavery from other countries.
Howard had Sour Shoes back on the phone. He asked if he got paid for that appearance. Sour was just laughing. Howard asked if he got paid. sour said yes. He said he got 99 flavors of beef jerky. He said he did his Gary impression and some Mad Dog. He said he did some John Travolta too. Howard asked him to do some of that. Sour Shoes did his Travolta impression. Howard asked him to do the Richard Simmons impression. Sour did some of that and he did his George Takei impression. He had George talking about Cocktober and then did his Gary impression and his Jackie Martling impression. Then he broke into a Rodney Dangerfield and Scott Ferrall impression. Then he went into his Gary impression. His appearance was on ''Noine/Noine.'' Howard said it really was. Howard let Sour go a short time later. Howard said he could listen to him all day. Howard said it must be hard to get people to visit a jerky store. Robin said that's why they hire Sour Shoes.
Robin had some audio of Ivanka Trump talking about modern day slavery. She had Howard play that. Howard said if Robin was his first lady he'd have her come out against the killing of puppies.
Robin read a story about Jimmy Kimmel's plea to leaders about health care and making it available to everyone. Robin said a congress person made reference to that on CNN. Robin said it was Senator Cassidy. Robin said that Jimmy had him on the show and he made him promise that children would be protected with pre-existing conditions. Robin said they have introduced a bill that does not include those protections. Robin said Jimmy talked about that on his show last night and called out Senator Cassidy for lying to his face.
Robin read a story about Rob Reiner and another guy launching a committee to investigate Russia. Robin read the details and had some audio of Reiner talking about this committee. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.