Bigfoot Discovers Howard Stern Is A Jew. 09/16/20. 7:05am
Howard said Bigfoot is calling in from Vermont. He said he never calls in. He took his call and Bigfoot let Howard know some news that he may not know. He said Howard is a Jew. Howard said he had no idea. He asked how he figured it out. Bigfoot said he was looking at the phone number that he got from Wolfie. Howard asked if he saw his horns. Bigfoot said he saw something in him. Robin asked how long it took him to figure it out. Bigfoot said it took weeks.
Howard said what Bigfoot has just done to him is mind blowing. He said his whole staff just quit over this. Robin said she can't believe she has to sit there with him. Bigfoot said his father used to be a Jew. He said he used to try to give him his medication at home. He said he has a seizure disorder and his father made him pay for his own medication. He said he was just 16 years old. Howard asked if he knew he was a Jew because he was cheap. Bigfoot said yes. He said Howard has been cheap lately so he knew that he was Jewish.
Bigfoot said he's got himself in quite a mess up there. He said he's a big star and things are really bad up there. He said that he has to pay to get his license back and it's hundreds of dollars. Howard said he has to break this down. He had Wolfie on the phone to help him out.
Howard asked Wolfie what's going on. Wolfie said that Bigfoot is being harassed by the government and other people up there. He said he wants help with all of that. Bigfoot said that the cops are all bothering him up there. He said they gave him the wrong number and he had to get the right number to get his permit. Wolfie said that he's saying that he's watching the news and he hears secret coded messages from the President and he's furious about this. Bigfoot said he's a legend. He said that's what he's considered up there. He said this is all so unreal.
Wolfie asked Bigfoot to tell Howard about his superpowers. Bigfoot said he can make it rain and snow up there. Howard said he's getting suspicious that he is talking about his super powers and all of this stuff and he's worried that he's not taking his medication. Bigfoot said he can get himself out of jail if he thinks about it enough. He said he can just stare at the wall to do it.
Howard said Bigfoot is a superstar but it sounds to him like he's stopped taking his medication. Bigfoot said that he was in a haze with that medication. Howard said he has to call his doctor. Bigfoot said his doctor won't even call him. Howard had him on the phone. He did his impression of the doctor telling him to take his meds. Bigfoot said that doesn't sound like his doctor. Howard changed his voice a few times. Bigfoot wasn't falling for it.
Howard said they have to get back to how he found out he's Jewish. He said he's in trouble now. Bigfoot kept interrupting him and told him to look in the mirror or look at pictures of himself. He said he's hiding something with that hair. He said he knows he's hiding ''sumptin.''
Howard took a call from Chris Wilding who was doing a voice of a reporter asking when he became a Jew. Howard spent a minute talking to the fake reporter.
Howard said he's Italian so he's not sure what anyone is talking about. He said Bigfoot has fucked him up good. He said now the newspaper is after him. Bigfoot said that Howard's going to be on the front page just like he was. He told the reporter to put him on there. The reporter said that they'll have the headline of ''Jew! Jew! Jew!'' Bigfoot said that he wants to run for president too.
Howard said he just got a letter from Mel Gibson who told him to fuck off. Bigfoot laughed. Howard said he loves Bigfoot and he's worried about him. Bigfoot said yeah right. He said he's fighting all of America all by himself. He said he has to take down this President because he's lying and he doesn't know what to say. He said if he gets his hands on him he's not going to have amnesia. He said he's so crooked that he has to go to the doctor when he goes to the doctor. He said that the President has to do what he does. He said he copies him.
Howard said it's funny that he knows who he's voting for but Ronnie doesn't. Bigfoot said he's not voting. Howard asked why not vote. Bigfoot said he talked to Biden twice. Robin asked what he had a bet with him about. Bigfoot said he has a bet and ask Wolfie about it. He said if he comes up with 2000 points by the end of the month he has to pay him. Howard said they prank called him as Joe Biden and that's what he's referring to. He said they'll play that soon.
Howard did his Biden voice and talked to Bigfoot about voting for him. Bigfoot was all over the place talking about how he has never lied to Howard. Howard said he hasn't but the Vice President is talking to him. He got back to Biden and had him saying he wants him in his cabinet. Bigfoot kept interrupting and asking Howard to talk to listen to him.
Bigfoot said he had a heart attack and went to the hospital. He said they complained about his size and his long beard. Howard had Biden making him his head Jew hunter in the administration.
Wolfie asked Bigfoot to tell Howard where he gets his secret information. Bigfoot said through the TV. He said he watches a lot of channels. He said he moves around from channel to channel.
Howard said he has Joe Biden's wife on the phone. He did the voice of Jill Biden and asked Bigfoot how he's doing. Bigfoot had a hard time understanding her name. Jill said she'll blow him when her husband isn't looking. She said she loves how he can't hear anything too. Bigfoot said he had a guy from New York say he was going to blow him and he never showed up. Howard had Jill saying that Bigfoot can fuck her in the ass. Bigfoot said he doesn't suck ass.
Bigfoot was rambling about things and going on tangents when Howard was trying to talk to him as Jill Biden. Robin asked what the music is. Bigfoot had something playing in the background. Howard had Jill talking about how she has a flea collar on to keep his fleas away. Howard had Jill saying she was going to eat the lice off his balls. Bigfoot said he doesn't have lice.
Howard said Bigfoot has to get on his medication. He said he has never sounded like this. Bigfoot said he's getting smarter every day. Howard said he hasn't said ''it is'' today. He said he hopes he gets on his medication. Bigfoot said his other doctor got fired for playing too many games. Howard said he has to get to the doctor.
Wolfie said Bigfoot went to the hospital and he told them how the Coronavirus is being spread and they took it as a threat. He said that he thinks that the Coronavirus is on the tip of the cotton swab that they stick in your nose. Howard said he could be right. Bigfoot said there could be cobwebs in Howard's head. He told him to clean it out. Howard asked why he's not saying ''it is'' today. Bigfoot said he's getting smarter day by day. He said he gets smarter from watching TV every day. Robin said he's the only one who is.
Howard said Wolfie went from being a businessman to being Bigfoot's interpreter in just a few months during the pandemic.
Howard asked if Bigfoot wears a mask in public. Bigfoot said he refuses to. He said he turned blue twice. He said he gasps for air if he wears a mask. Howard said he wants to say something. Bigfoot said he turns blue occasionally. Howard said he did a terrible thing today. Bigfoot told him to take those cobwebs out of his head.
Howard said his boss Jim Meyer is on the phone saying that he's going to fire him because he's Jewish. He took the call from fake Jim who said they have it in his contract that they can't have Jews there. He told Howard he's fired and they're going to hire Bigfoot to take over Bigfoot 100.
Howard asked Fake Jim if they have an Anti-Jew clause in his contract. Jim said of course they do. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard said he has never heard Bigfoot this talkative and this delusional. He said he's seeing things and thinks people are after him. Bigfoot said he can prove it. He said they're after him and it's been 5 nights now. Howard asked Bigfoot who he sees. Bigfoot said he sees a helicopter by the trees. He said he sees that when he's out buying joints. He said he gets a deal where you buy 2 and get one free. Howard said he's worried about him and so is Joe Biden and Jill Biden too. He did his Jill Biden impression for a few seconds. Bigfoot kept saying he doesn't go to the bar anymore.
Howard, as Jill, asked if he turns blue. Bigfoot said he does. Jill said that turns her on. Bigfoot said he doesn't go to the bar anymore for two reasons. Howard asked what they are. Bigfoot said his staff came up there and they went to a bar. He said he's listening to all of this. Howard did his Jill voice and interrupted him again saying she wanted to blow him while he's sitting on the toilet taking a shit.
Bigfoot said that they went to the bar when they were up there. He said his staff was there. Howard asked Wolfie what he's talking about. Wolfie tried to talk but Bigfoot was rambling and kept saying ''Howard!? Howard!?'' Wolfie told him to tell Howard about the mountain men. Bigfoot said he used to buy pot and pills from them. He said he's connected in 5 different ways with them. He said he's connected to the big truck drivers too. He said he's talking about 18 wheelers. Howard was still in the Jill voice talking about what she'd do to him.
Jill kept trying to talk to Bigfoot but Bigfoot was talking over her. Howard asked how Wolfie can handle this guy. Wolfie said he talks to him 3-5 times a day and he has to talk him off the edge all day long. Howard asked if they can get in touch with his doctor to get him back on his meds. Wolfie said he has tried. He said that he does say some worrisome things at times. He said that everyone harasses him. Bigfoot interrupted and went on a rant about how his neighbors bother him all day long. Wolfie said he'll call the cops on them and they end up arresting him instead.
Howard said Bigfoot said he bought guns from the mountain men. He asked if he has guns. Bigfoot said not yet. He said he's working on it. Wolfie said he told him it's a bad idea to do that. He said that's very dangerous. Howard asked what he wants a gun for. Bigfoot said his life is in danger. Robin said he has superpowers though. She asked how he's in danger. Bigfoot said his life is in danger. Howard said he can make it rain on them then. Bigfoot he has done that. He said he just has to wish on it and it comes true.
Bigfoot was complaining about some guy riding a bike with big tires past his house and he was sitting on the steps and the guy said he can't sit there. He said he can sit there. He said there's no law against it.
Howard said he has to get on his medication. Bigfoot said he has people going in and out of the building and they ask if he likes to fuck. Howard did more of his Jill voice and asked him to shit on her tits when her husband is doing his thing.
Bigfoot interrupted him asking for Howard again. Howard said he knows how to get him to take his medication. He said he'll put it in his vagina and have him eat her out. Bigfoot said yeah right.
Howard said he loves Bigfoot but he's worried about him. He said Wolfie is going to try to help him out. Bigfoot said he has called him twice and he won't call him back. Howard said they'll look into that. Bigfoot said it takes days for him to get back to him.
Wolfie said when he told the doctor that he can move things with his mind the doctor said he didn't want to see him anymore.
Howard thanked Wolfie for keeping an eye on Bigfoot. He said he's worried about him. He let both of them go after that. Howard said he's really worried about Bigfoot. He said he's thinking a lot of people are chasing him. He did more of his Jill Biden impression talking about Bigfoot. She was talking about what she wants him to do to her while her husband is running for President. She said she wants to have some fun with Bigfoot when her husband puts him in his cabinet.
Howard had Jill talking about being rejected by Bigfoot over and over again and what a wake up call that was. Jill said that Bigfoot turns her on. She said she has never had smelly monster cock in her vagina before. He said she wants some of that monster cock now. Robin said she has never had it and she doesn't want to. Jill said she can imagine having him cum and blowing her head off.
Howard said he's really worried about Bigfoot. He said he thinks he's going nuts not being on his medication. He said Wolfie has some job there.
Jill said she has to go because her husband is coming. Howard let Jill go. He said that's so insulting that Bigfoot thought he was Jewish. He said that gets around and you're ruined. He said he has to take a break. He said he never gets a call from Bigfoot. He went to break after that.
Jimmy Kimmel Visits. 09/16/20. 8:35am
During the break they played an Inside the Actors Studio parody with Ronnie clips, a phony phone call to Swap Shop using clips of Gary talking about working in a record store, a song parody about wearing masks, a phony phone call to a restaurant using clips of Howard as his parents placing an order, a Beetlejuice song parody to the tune of Get Ur Freak On, a George Takei announcement and Prince's ''Trust.''
Howard came back and said Jimmy Kimmel has been on vacation for months now so he should be very relaxed. He said he looks real excited right now. Robin said he looks tired. Jimmy said it's 5:30 out there.
Howard said Jimmy has narcolepsy. He said he used to take medication for that. Jimmy said it's a very bad thing to deal with but he gets to sleep in like 4 minutes. He said he's out as soon as he goes to bed. Howard said that drives his wife nuts from what he hears. Jimmy said he'll be unconscious when Molly is still talking to him.
Howard said he was thinking about his marriage. He said that he's a talk show host and he probably never thought he'd be doing that. Jimmy said he wanted to be an artist when he was a kid. He said he didn't know what he would do with that. He said he saw an ad back in the 80s for an artist and it was paying $10 an hour. He said it turned out to be cutting stickers out to put on toys. He said he didn't know if that's what you had to do to be an artist. Howard asked how that's an art job. Jimmy said he thought there would be something creative there. He said he didn't get that job though. Howard said it requires a kindergarten education to do that job.
Howard said Jimmy is a good artist actually. He said he can draw very well. He said he can see him having that career.
Jimmy said he's having a hard time seeing them on Zoom. Howard said that's on purpose. He said Bigfoot called in and called him out as being a Jew. He said Jimmy almost canceled this morning because of that.
Jimmy said he can't believe how good Howard is as a painter. He said he didn't think he was headed anywhere when he took it up. He said before he started he figured he'd get tired of it and stop. He said it didn't occur to him that you can learn to paint. He said Howard is excellent and they will look at them and they can't believe it. He said he's glad that he didn't discover this earlier in life because he probably wouldn't be doing this show. Howard said he'd probably be homeless if he was an artist.
Howard said it makes him happy that he likes his stuff. He said he's one of the few people who see his paintings. Jimmy said he's not sure if he could ever have an art show because of his fans but even his fans would be bowled over by how good they are. Howard said he should put it out for the fans. He said this new one is a big one. He said Jimmy knows how hard he works at this. He said most people assume he's not going to be good at it. Jimmy said the level of detail and concentration is something. Howard said this is his take on man taking over nature.
Howard said Jimmy imagined that he'd be an artist as a kid. He said he never thought he'd be hosting a late night show. Howard asked if it's as cracked up as they make it out to be. Jimmy said it can be gratifying. He said he can think it was fine or that he feels bad about it. He said there's nothing beyond that.
Howard said Jimmy and Molly work together and they're married. He said she's an incredible talent and very funny. He said they're both very funny. He said that has to be intense. He said it can be filled with land mines. He said you can get overwhelmed and wonder why they're not funny enough and it can turn into a work relationship. Jimmy said that makes sense but it doesn't feel that way. He said it never really does. He said Molly is helping him with the Emmys thing. He said everything she says he's going to agree with. He said having someone like that is great. He said it really helps to have something like that. Howard said he just broke up there. He said he thought he'd have a better internet connection. Jimmy said he has a great one. Howard said no he doesn't. He said he judges people by their internet connection. He said he thinks they're cheap if it doesn't work.
Jimmy said he has a dedicated line there so it should be working fine. He said that they used to lose interviews because their kids were playing video games on the guest's home internet. Howard said he used to have that there. He said the whole thing would shut down at 10:30 in the morning.
Howard said Seth Meyers was on and said he had shitty internet and NBC wasn't doing anything for him. Jimmy said he called Seth after that. He said that ABC was much more concerned about getting him on the air than NBC was for Seth. Howard said he knows Seth is on late but he works hard on that show. He said that he was shocked that NBC wasn't helping him out.
Howard asked if he really did call Seth. Jimmy said he did because it's good to talk to those other late night guys so they can commiserate. Howard said ABC used to fuck with Jimmy's show too but things have gotten better. Jimmy said they have. Howard asked what Seth said to him. Jimmy said that he had the same conversation that Howard had with him. He said he thinks Seth liked doing the show from home. He said there are some things that are good about it but he prefers to go to work. He said he'd rather not do it in his house.
Howard said he likes doing it from his house but it can be challenging. He said that he would like to be able to be there with bands in the studio.
Jimmy said that Michael McDonald and the Doobie Brothers were touring and he asked his people to get them on the show. He said they were booked and they were going to do an outdoor concert for 2 nights and they missed it. He said he hopes they get to do that again. He said that's what stung about the pandemic. Howard said he missed out on an Eddie Vedder interview. He said that was all set and he was ready for it. He said they had to cancel so that really got to him. Jimmy said he knows Eddie loves the show so that was going to be great. Howard said hopefully they can make that happen.
Howard said he was thinking about Molly and how great she is. Howard said Beth will tell him that Molly wrote something funny if he's watching Jimmy and laughing. He said Beth is convinced that Molly is the brains behind all of that. Jimmy said they have a bunch of other writers there too so grey may have written those jokes.
Jimmy talked about how hard Molly worked there at his show to work her way up. He said she eventually got to the point where she was able to have sex with him.
Howard said he was so envious that he told him he had the whole summer off. He asked if he's back yet. Jimmy said it didn't translate into that because they weren't able to go anywhere. Howard said that's bullshit. Jimmy said he did go to Idaho and back by car. Howard said he was somewhere at the beginning of his vacation. He said he asked Beth what the fuck is wrong with him. Jimmy said they went to Idaho and drove. Howard said he saw pictures of him with a bunch of dudes. Jimmy said he did go on a fishing trip. He said they all got tested and they drove up there and fished. Howard said he didn't think he had to do that. Jimmy said there is an element of risk there but they were very careful. He said it was very interesting driving through the country and seeing where they take it seriously and where they're not. He said he had a mask and gloves on when he'd walk into a restaurant. He said some places are more serious than they are. Howard said he has friends who are taking it seriously and some who have parties with 35 people.
Howard asked if Jimmy has gone to parties. Jimmy said he went to one home but not to a big party. Howard asked why he'd risk that. Jimmy said there are people who get tested a lot and he gets tested a lot. He said his wife does too. He said if someone was tested that week and he sizes them up, he's okay. He said everyone lies about how safe they're being other than Howard. He said everyone exaggerates a little. He said everyone is lying about it. He said you realize it's not as safe as they claim it is. He said no one wants to be that Typhoid Mary.
Howard said Alex Jones wants to call him out on his vacation. Howard took a call from fake Alex who said that Jimmy is lying about where he went. He had a whole bit set up but Howard said there's something wrong with his connection so he has to hang up. His connection cleared up so Howard kept him on. Fake Alex was accusing Jimmy of conspiracy stuff and made up a bunch of stuff that had Jimmy laughing. Jimmy played along with it and let Fake Alex go on and on. Alex's connection was cutting out occasionally though. Howard let him go a short time later.
Jimmy said that someone made up a fake flight log into Epstein Island and people spread it around like it's real. He said it's unbelievable what's going on here on this planet. Howard asked if that's true. Jimmy said it is. He said they put his name on and everyone who criticizes Trump on the list. He said Trump's name is probably really on that list.
Howard said he has to talk about this vacation. Jimmy asked if he's ever been in an RV. Howard said other than being on the set of America's Got Talent he hasn't. He said he's never traveled in one. Howard asked how long the trip to Idaho was. Jimmy said it was about a 15 hour drive. He said he did all of the driving. Howard said he did that and he has narcolepsy. Jimmy said there were times that he was the only one awake in the car. He said he kept himself awake thinking about the fire ball that there would be if he crashed the RV. He said he kept his brain active by thinking about that. Howard asked if they had a bathroom in there. Jimmy said they did. He said the bathroom in there works pretty well. He said it doesn't really stink because they have the technology figured out.
Howard asked if it was tough being in there so close. Jimmy said it was fine. He said that they had an interesting turn of events with Molly's feet. He said that she was not happy with him when he brought up her smelly feet. He said that she's very busy with everything going on right now. He said every once in awhile she'll look at social media and someone will post a pair of feet Emoji and a skunk or something. He said someone will tell her to wash her feet. He said she's had a full 180 on it and now she loves it.
Howard said he follows Molly on Twitter and she's very passionate about things. He said people shut her down by commenting on her feet. Jimmy said she thinks it's funny now so she's a good sport.
Howard asked if they broke down in the RV. Jimmy said it didn't break down but he got two flat tires because he backed it into a hole. He said it's hard to drive an RV. Howard said it's like driving a bus. Jimmy said the people driving a bus are bus drivers. He said there are two wheels on each side and he got a rock between the two tires. He said he drove around on it for 2 and a half days. He said he's not sure how he did it but he had to get them fixed. He said they were both flat but he was still able to drive on them.
Howard asked if they stayed in the RV when grey got to their destination. Jimmy said they stayed in a fishing lodge out in Idaho. He said they would stay in the RV at other times. He said they'll drive it out to New York and Howard can sleep in it.
Jimmy said he called Howard and asked him if he could drive out there and let them stay there if they got tested. Howard said he said no to that. He said he's so crazy that they got their hair cut the other day and Beth was with Toni longer than he was so he thought she got Covid-19 and made her get tested. Howard said he can't get Covid. He said he's not looking to drop dead. He said he's afraid of what's next. He said he's not sure what's next but he's afraid of it. Howard went through the whole story about getting his hair cut from Toni who gets tested 3 times a week and was all wrapped up in a whole outfit.
Howard said he didn't say a word and got his hair done in 25 minutes. He said Beth talked to Toni for a long time. He said Beth told him that she was fine. Howard said he figured Beth got Covid so he didn't go near her and told her she had to get tested. He said he's still waiting for the results.
Howard said last night he was looking at Beth's ass. He said he had been staying away from her. He said that he went over to her and started to rub her leg. He said then he was rubbing her thigh. He said she asked what he was doing. He said he was massaging her. He said she liked that. He said then he was rubbing her ass. He said she told him to stop that. He said he told her he didn't care if she had Covid and said it was time for Bang O'clock. Howard said he didn't care when he was fucking her if he was going to get Covid.
Jimmy asked what's going to happen if she gets Covid and he doesn't. Howard said he's not leaving. He said he can't just leave the house. He said Beth will have stay in the guest area. He said she'll have to hack it out until he's safe. He said he'd still think that she has it even if she tests negative. Howard said he'll have her live in the RV with Jimmy.
Robin said Beth does everything so he's screwed if Beth gets sick. Howard said he can live through any kind of mess. He said he's a guy so he can do that. Jimmy said he feels like Howard is enjoying this Covid too much. He said it's almost like he started it.
Howard said he had a conversation with David Letterman about that. He said he is kind of enjoying not leaving the house. He said no one in America is enjoying it other than him.
Jimmy said he has found through his studies that wearing a mask really seems to work. He said he's involved in a couple of restaurants and they're still working. He said you can't divide people that much in there. He said they wear masks and they're fine. He said no one has contracted the virus in there. He said he thinks that's because of the masks. He said that's such a simple sacrifice. He said it's not that hard to wear a mask. He said if it was a fashion thing before this then people would be wearing them. He asked why it's so hard to wear a god damn mask.
Howard said people in this country have made so many sacrifices in the past. He said it's absurd that people won't do it now. Howard said he saw the interview Trump did with George Stephanopoulos and it was just crazy. Jimmy said it was funny that he said some people think masks are good and some think they're bad. He said that he gave an example of people who they're bad for are waiters. He said it's like someone's grandpa is running the country.
Howard said the other thing is people not keeping their distance. He said that you have to stay 6 feet away but people insist on being close. Jimmy said their son loves wearing his mask because they put Spider-Man on it.
Howard asked what's going on with Adam Carolla. He said he has a problem with people taking this stuff seriously. Jimmy said that Adam doesn't believe in soap or shampoo. He said he did that for about 30 days and then he got a case of Pink Eye. He said Adam was over and they were in the back yard and he ended up urinating in his kid's sandbox. He said that he asked why he was doing that and Adam said it was no big deal. He said this is the mentality he has. He said he will leave his toothbrush in the sink and pee in the sink around the toothbrush.
Howard asked what's going on in Adam's head. Jimmy said he has a unique take on hygiene. He said back around Y2K he was making fun of what might happen. He said he and Adam had a trip planned to the mountains and Adam and his friend skipped the trip because they wanted to stay to protect their homes from looters when Y2K happened. He said maybe Adam has effects from that left over. He said that Adam doesn't understand why they won't let him in their house. He said he just doesn't get it. He said he hopes that Adam doesn't get it and that his family doesn't get it but he doesn't believe in microbes.
Howard said that he stopped using shaving cream. He said if he does it dry it works great. Jimmy said he needs a cream. He said he uses Creama. Howard said his beard is think too but he doesn't need shaving cream. He said he used to bleed all the time but not anymore.
Howard asked Jimmy what's going on with the Emmys. Howard said he came back in August and started taping Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He asked how that's working. Jimmy said they pared it down to like 6 people in a very big room. He said the contestants are like 20 feet from him. He said they're very careful. He said everyone is tested every day and grey all wear masks. He said it's just him and the contestant not wearing masks. He said they banged out 17 episodes in 4 days and that was that.
Howard said it seems like they had an excess of people in television. He said grey can run the shows with a skeleton crew. Jimmy said you can do that with some shows. He said so far it seems that if you're careful and you follow the rules and have a good plan they can make it work. He said no one is getting sick on the productions that are running right now. He said the plans right now seem to be a lot of plexiglass. Howard said someone is going to get Covid. He said Rob Pattinson got it on the set of Batman. Jimmy said look at his mask. Howard said he knows it's backwards.
Howard said that someone is going to get sick on his show. Jimmy said they will have to change the show around a bit. Jimmy said the editors are working from home so they're able to do a lot of things. He said it's amazing.
Howard said that the other late night guys are going into work. He asked if they all decided on that at the same time. Jimmy said you have to wear a mask and be careful. He said there's a chance you'll get it but that's a chance he's taking. He said he could get it at home for all he knows. Howard said he has seen guys who work in the E.R. and they never touch their face and wear masks and they don't get sick.
Jimmy said one of his doctors said the same thing to him. He said he has sick people coming in all the time. He said they are very careful but one of his doctors is a friend of theirs and he disappeared for a couple of weeks. He said he got the West Nile Virus from a mosquito. He said he was very, very sick from that. He said West Nile will take many people out and it can blind you if you do make it through. Howard said they can't have those mosquitos there in New York. Howard said he hates fucking mosquitos. He said they're like dirty needles. He asked why we don't just kill them all. He asked why we can't just kill them all. Jimmy said it might upset the balance of nature.
Howard said Jimmy is hosting the Emmys this year. He said he makes it sound very stressful to host that show. He said he's the bravest man in show business because he's willing to do these shows and doesn't seem to care what people think. Howard asked what the game plan is for the show. Jimmy said he will be at the Staples Center. He said it's huge so grey can spread everyone out. Howard asked if this will be live. Jimmy said yes. He said most of the nominees and presenters are going to be at home. Howard said nothing can go wrong. Jimmy said he has no control over the whole thing. He said there's nothing funny about losing a Wi-Fi signal. He said they have to rely on their signal and each individual's connection. He said that's something. He said for the most part he will be alone in a very big stadium. He said that's the plan.
Howard said he's getting a headache thinking about this. He asked what was making him crazy this summer. Jimmy said you can kind of break this down to a formula but they didn't know where they were going to be doing it from or if they were going to have an audience or not. He said it's hard to proceed and plan if you don't know the setting.
Howard asked if he has a plan or is it still vague. Jimmy said he thinks he has a plan but it all depends on if it works the way they want it to. He said he doesn't want it to feel like a 3 hour Zoom meeting. Howard asked how you can combat that. Jimmy said he'll have to dip into his bag of many talents. He said he'll be dancing and singing. He said the only thing he can really do is be funny. He said he has to take care of being a host and just try to be funny. He said if things go awry he'll have to try to take care of that and be funny.
Robin asked if they're going to have writers there for him. Jimmy said they'll be on camera writing notes. Howard said he'd love to see him play Clarinet or something. Jimmy said he'll make a note to bring one. Robin said bring a sketch pad and draw.
Howard said on Zoom someone ends up naked every time. He said he can tell someone to be caught being naked. Jimmy said he likes that too. He said even better they can trick their spouse into being naked.
Howard said he told Beth last night that if he were to present something he'd get caught banging Beth on camera. He said that's the bit he'd do. Jimmy said that he'd love to have him present. He said the show isn't over until 11 though so he won't be up.
Howard asked Jimmy who calls to get people to present. Jimmy said he has called in some cases. He said there are celebrities who are nominated and aren't sure if it's safe to do this.
Howard asked if there are going to be people there at the Staples Center. Jimmy said for the most part no. He said most of it will be remote stuff.
Howard asked if he thinks the ratings are going to be any good. Jimmy said it'll be something fun to watch for 3 hours. He said it's not hurting anyone. Howard said he should just shame people on the show. He said maybe put a green screen behind them and put up the wild fires that are happening out there. Jimmy said they don't need a green screen for that. He said the air quality there is bad enough to see.
Howard said he wants him to role play with him. He told Jimmy he loves the show and loves that he's hosting the Emmys but he feels ashamed to accept an award right now. He asked him to talk him into it. Jimmy said he would ask why you feel that way. Howard said he feels bad that people are suffering right now and this is sending a bad message. Jimmy said maybe people want to see some entertainment on a Sunday night. He said they are paying tribute to the people who have helped us through this. He said they're making a sizeable donation for each Emmys that's awarded. Howard said he sounds more organized than our government right now. Jimmy said they do have a plan that people will feel good about.
Howard said he's glad he's not in his position. He asked if they're going to hold the statue or not. Jimmy said they have a plan for that too. He said they'll have a delivery of the statue during the show. He said they'll have Postmates or someone like that deliver it.
Jimmy said they have devised this box that's remote controlled that will be sent to the Nominees. He said the switch opens the box and a fake arm comes out with an Emmy in it's hand. He said it's crazy looking and potentially dangerous. He said he thinks it won't work but hopefully it will.
Howard said grey have really thought this through. Howard asked if he has a list of names of presenters. Jimmy said he's not sure if he has the green light to mention any names yet.
Howard asked if they have prepared a special moment for Regis Philbin. Jimmy said they did for Millionaire. He said they have a special tribute to Regis on there. He said they do have one at the Emmys too. Robin asked how Jimmy is going to get through that. Jimmy said he averts his eyes.
Howard asked if Regis or Carl Reiner will be the last face they see in the In Memorium thing. Jimmy said both of them are great. Howard said how about Jerry Stiller. Jimmy said he loved him too.
Howard asked if he's in on the decision to pick that person. Jimmy said he won't be meddling in that decision but they would probably listen to him if he asked to do that.
Howard asked if they're going to have Diana Rigg in that In Memorium. Jimmy said that they will probably be set right up until in the afternoon on Sunday. Jimmy said you have to qualify to get into that In Memorium. He said it's a really weird thing. He said his uncle Frank made it in there but sometimes people don't get in that probably should.
Howard said that Eddie Haskell, played by Kenny Osmond, didn't get into the In Memorium. He said he has a fear that this kind of thing happens a lot. Howard went into his agent voice and talked to him about people like that who might not make it into the In Memorium.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who told Jimmy he did a good job with Millionaire. He said he also enjoys the shows they're doing during the pandemic. He said that he likes that they don't waste as much time with the bits and stuff. Howard said that's insulting. Howard said his bits are very funny. He said he has to be fucking kidding. Ralph said the guests talking is interesting.
Jimmy brought up Ralph and Chris watching Aaron Carter jerking off. Ralph brought up how Chris Evans sent out a dick pic the other day. Howard said he heard that they were trying to hunt it down. Ralph said it was weird. He said it was accidentally that he sent it out.
Howard had Chris Wilding get on because he was sending Ralph a bunch of dick pics and asshole pics. Chris said that was Saturday night. He said in Watchmen they had this guy who had a giant penis. He said he took a screen shot of it and sent it to Ralph and then he'll send him something back and they got back and forth with dick pics. Jimmy asked why Ralph does this. Ralph said he just jokes around with this stuff. He said Chris is busy talking to him about the cock and he's not the one sending them around. Chris said he did send him a picture of him with his blue dick. He said they were going through the twitter feed of the guys who were in Aaron Carter's room when he was jerking off. Ralph said Chris was going through it, not him. Chris said he was too.
Ralph said it was fun when Jimmy had people fill in for him. Howard said he wants to applaud him for that too. He said a lot of hosts are afraid they'll lose their job but Jimmy wasn't afraid. Jimmy said he's just lazy. He said if he can get paid and not work at all he's good with that. Howard asked if he could just supervise and have other hosts take over for him. Jimmy said most guests won't even notice if it's not him.
Howard asked Jimmy who did the best job filling in for him. Jimmy said he has to think about this. He said the best monologue was given by Lil Rel Howery. He said that he gave a very serious or emotional monologue. He said most everyone was there doing jokes but Rel was weird because he didn't want to go through jokes and stuff. He said he showed up and gave a great monologue. Howard asked if he was afraid that he might lose his job there if Lil Rel was that good. Jimmy said he'd be perfectly happy with that. He said he'd have no problem at all.
Howard asked if he knows what Lil Rel's real name is. Jimmy didn't know. Howard said it's Milton.
Howard said he likes watching old talk show interviews with great guests. Jimmy said he does that all the time. He said he thinks he's seen every Don Rickles interview that's ever been done. He said he loves it. He said there was a period that Johnny Carson dressed like a pimp. He said it looked like he was doing a sketch but he wasn't. Howard said that was all during the Disco era. He said he was watching Johnny with Richard Pryor. He said that guy was the best talk show guest ever. He said he had a sit down with Johnny and it was around Richard's 40th birthday. He said he was talking about divorce and Johnny was just loving it. He said he was so brutally honest but funny. Jimmy said he was the best. He said he's sure Johnny loved the divorce talk.
Howard said Johnny asked Richard about the drugs and you expect him to walk off but Richard just ends up talking about it and it's in such a funny way. He said it took his breath away because it was so funny.
Howard said sometimes Don Rickles would do an interview and he could tank. He said he'd get flop sweat. Jimmy said that can be great too though. He said these days things are kind of pasteurized and people are fearful to get into stuff. He said at one point Johnny's show was 90 minutes long so grey could really get into it. He said there was no pressure to move through it. He said they just sat there smoking and talking.
Howard said he told Letterman that he spends a lot of time looking at clips from his show. He said he told Dave who he loves and he gets so uptight about it. He said Dave doesn't want to know. He said he did an interview with Jerry Lewis and he loved those interviews. He said you're not sure if he loves or hates Jerry but Jerry was so good with Dave. He said Desi Arnaz was great too. He said it was bizarre. He said late night is so competitive. He said it's a shame you can't just book those more interesting guests. Jimmy said things are different now. He said they do book those kind of guests.
Jimmy said he's sure that Desi Arnaz was booked as a goof. Howard said it wasn't a goof though. He said he got up and did a song. He said he wanted to watch 10 hours of that.
Jimmy said the weird thing is that when the guests would walk out on those old NBC shows they didn't have music playing. He said they walked out in silence. He said that's more suited to late night though. He said he'd be in a trance watching those shows. He said they'd have Brother Theodore and Harvey Pekar on Dave's show and he was so good with them. He said he almost didn't have to say anything. He said you got the feeling that the show forced the guests on him but they know that's not true.
Howard asked who Jimmy has on his show who he doesn't have to work hard for. He said he feels that with Jimmy on his show. He said he knows he loves Tracy Morgan. He asked who else he'd love to have on like that. Jimmy said he will say that one of them is Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neil. He said that David Spade is one of them too. He said when they look back on these times they'll see him as one of the best talk show guests.
Howard said he's a huge admirer of David's. He said he upped his game. He said he totally upped his game at some point. He said something happened and he is at the top of his game when he's on Ellen or on his show. He said he has gone to a new level. Howard asked what the fuck happened. Jimmy said his rhythm is perfect for a talk show. He said he goes with the flow and throws in things that he knows are funny. He said he thinks David pays attention to what's happening in his life. He said you're making notes as you're going through your day. He said everything becomes work. He said Spade does a great job with that.
Jimmy said that Martin Short and Wanda Sykes are great guests too. He said Will Arnett and Jason Bateman are great guests too. Howard said Norm MacDonald is great too. He said no everyone gets him but he is so entertaining. He said Norm is another one of those quirky and funny guys. Jimmy said Dave Chappelle is great too. He said he's great at everything. Howard said that's a great list. Jimmy said Bryan Cranston is great too. He said some people don't even have to work at it and they're great.
Howard said Donald Trump was a great talk show guest. Jimmy said he is and that's what he should have stuck to. Howard said he misses him as a guest. He said he was fun to have on the show.
Howard said you have to love Jimmy Kimmel. Robin said he's going to go out on a tightrope and try to do the Emmys virtually with 10 million Wi-Fi connections.
Howard asked what happened to the table read for Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Jimmy said that was supposed to be tomorrow. He said he thinks it's coming out tomorrow. Jimmy said they did the read. He said they had some technical difficulties. He said they were pretty serious. Howard asked how it worked because they had a lot of famous people there. Jimmy said the technology wasn't working for them and they kept losing signal. He said it wasn't as free wheeling as they were hoping it would be. Howard said he'd like to see it. He said he wondered who played Phoebe Cates character. Jimmy said he did.
Howard said he had a whole thing prepped for him today. Jimmy asked what happened to the news. Howard said doing a show from the basement is rough. Robin said they don't have all of the equipment that they rely on. Howard said honestly he burns out. He said not Robin. He said he goes into a coma and they had to make some changes on the show. Jimmy asked if they will bring it back. Howard said of course but the real news is just ''stay home.''
Jimmy said he has another bone to pick with them. He said Ronnie gave him a sex tip about a year ago. He said that he was supposed to get a diagram from them for it but he never got it. Howard said he knows he's not joking about this. He said he really wanted to figure it out.
Jimmy asked Ronnie if he'll draw this thing out for him. He said he really wants to try it out. He said they should have a Ronnie's sex tip coloring book. He said that way they can refer to it. Howard said Ronnie can't even draw a clock. Jimmy said he can stop one for sure. Ronnie said he's not sure which one he's talking about. Jimmy said it was a body position thing. Ronnie asked what the act was. Jimmy said it was straight sex but the way his body was positioned was a revelation to him. He said he's not sure what it even was. Howard asked if it's the one where he puts his iPhone in Molly's vagina. Howard said it was some weird 69 position. Robin said it's where Molly is next to him and they all had trouble visualizing it.
Ronnie asked if it's where he's laying on his back and she's laying over him with her legs on his chest. Jimmy said yes. Ronnie said okay here's how that goes. He said he's on his back with his dick hard. He said she's on her back but she has her head to the side toward his dick. Jimmy was trying to draw this. Ronnie explained it again and said one of her legs is over his chest and the other is on the bed so her pussy is almost in his face. He said he can see everything going on there. He said he can't reach it with his mouth though. He said her ass is on the bed but he can see everything.
Howard interrupted and said that Molly just texted and said she's packing the RV so she can leave with the kids.
Howard asked if Molly would be up for this if Ronnie can explain it. Jimmy said Ronnie hasn't finished yet. Ronnie asked him to let him finish. Ronnie said he's facing the wall and laying on the bed normal. He said her left leg is across his chest and the other leg is on the other side of the bed. He said just one leg is straddling him. He said just one leg is on him. He said she takes out her vibrator or her hand and she starts playing with herself. Ronnie said at the same time she has her mouth on his dick and they're both enjoying what's going on. Jimmy asked if he would do this on the Emmys and present an award. Howard said this is insane.
Jimmy said this sounds like Ronnie isn't doing anything. Ronnie said he plays around her pussy with one hand. He said she's getting more into her vibrator. He said the more turned on she gets the more grip she has on his dick. Howard said this is like Cirque De Soleil for Creeps.
Howard asked to see the drawing Jimmy did. Jimmy said he has some work to do on it. Howard said he can't imagine Molly doing this. Jimmy said they have done his sex tips before and they're good. Robin asked if grey have all of this stuff she needs. Jimmy said she can use his vibrator.
Howard thanked the guys for all of that. Jimmy brought up Gary pissing on his feet to clear up his toe nail fungus. Howard got Gary on to give them an update. Gary said he has a piss jug and he goes into the shower every morning and douses his toes in urine. He said he puts it on for 60 seconds and then washes it off. He said he has Alexa time it for 60 seconds. Jimmy said Alexa must be like ''What the fuck are you doing?''
Jimmy said there's been so much happening on the show lately. He said Shuli moved to Alabama. He said no one in his organization has moved. Howard asked what he thinks about him moving. Jimmy said he's not sure how it's going to work practically. He asked if he will just be confined to chasing Wack Packers around. Howard said they're not working in the offices so grey don't need to be in the city. Jimmy said that's a hell of a commute. Howard said he thinks Shuli is saying that he doesn't want to come back if they have to move back to the offices there.
Howard got Shuli on to talk about that. Shuli said it came down to an issue of his family not being in a safe area for the kids. He said it's out of the way but his main concern was for his family. Robin said they want to know what will happen when they go back to the studio. Shuli said no one is going back right now. He said he'll come back to the city when Howard and Robin do. Howard said the staff might move back before he does. Shuli said he'll figure that out when the time comes. Shuli said that he had to get his family moved out of that area. Jimmy said he moved 1000 miles though. He said he could have moved 40 miles away. Shuli said they're all happy right now so that's what counts.
Howard said he did some math and there are 7 other states between there and Alabama. He said no other states appealed to him. Shuli said there are things that his wife can do down there.
Gary said that Benjy is saying that he might move to Tel Aviv if the show doesn't go back because the show would be starting at 2 in the afternoon there.
Howard thanked Shuli for that and said he's happy for him. Jimmy said he still doesn't get why he gets so angry about it when they ask him about the move. He said it's strange. Robin said maybe because it was a stupid idea. Shuli said it wasn't stupid to him. He said he's just having a discussion. Jimmy said it's not stupid at all if you know someone there. He said he was wondering if he was planing on living out his days in Alabama. Shuli said if it comes to that then yes. Jimmy asked if he knows something they don't. Shuli said that he does know High Register Sean.
Howard said Shuli knows something about Alabama that they don't know. He said he's not sharing it. Jimmy said that he's going to be the only comedian in Alabama. Shuli said he has the market on being the only Jewish comedian in Alabama.
Howard let Shuli go and gave Jimmy some plugs for the things he's working on. Howard said Don Rickles made his comedy career living in Alabama. He said Jimmy is hosting the Emmys from Alabama on Sunday night.
Howard said Jimmy is at the top of his game. He said he's the one they look for to host the Emmys. Robin said he used to run to the Up Fronts to make sure people still knew he was there. Howard said Jimmy has Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He said to take over that show and turn it into a hit is something. Robin asked if he's trying to beat Regis for his record number of TV show appearances.
Jimmy said he won an Emmy yesterday for All in the Family and Good Times. He said they beat the Oscars, Tony's and things like that. Robin said no wonder they won. She said not that it wasn't great. Jimmy said Norman Lear is the oldest Emmy winner now. He said he's 98.
Howard said he also lost an Emmy last night to James Corden's Carpool Karaoke. Jimmy said it was an odd category and he's not sure how they ended up in it. He said it was for online content.
Howard asked if he's nominated for any more. Jimmy said he is. He said he's up against John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Trevor Noah and someone else. He said he's not sure who it was. He said that might be it. Howard said he hopes he wins. Jimmy said thank you. He said he might just take the award since he'll be the only one there. Robin said hopefully that box thing will open up for him. Jimmy said his box will probably stay closed. He said that in his Ronnie voice.
Howard wrapped up with Jimmy and told him to give his love to Molly and the kids. Jimmy thanked him for having him on. Robin asked how old the kids are now. Jimmy said he has 29, 27, 6 and 3 year olds.
Jimmy went off with a Baba Booey. Howard said that Alanis Morissette will be hosting their Saturday Soundtracks this weekend. Howard got in a plug for Zip Recruiter who sponsored the show today. Howard said Machine Gun Kelly will be on the show next week. He wrapped up and ended the show around 10:40am.