- Howard Attempts Some Phony Phone Calls. 03/05/14. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: A phony Blue Iris and JD sex clip, a Metallica ''One'' song with Howard's fart in it, an Evil Dave Letterman clip where he screws up the word ''Fellatio,'' John Mayer performing ''Like a Rolling Stone'' live at the Howard Stern Birthday Bash.
Howard started the show talking about the Great American Nightmare song that Rob Zombie did at the birthday bash. Howard wondered about the lyrics. He said he knows ''yeah, mother fucker'' but the rest he's not sure about.
Howard said he was very busy yesterday. He said he didn't have a moment to breathe. He said he doesn't like days like that. He said he was hanging out with Sal and Richard after the show. He said he was making phony phone calls with them. He said he was in a silly mood. He said he wanted to call some people with them. He said they called adult stores as his parents. He said he was having his mom try sexual stuff out with his dad. He said she was doing it because she wants to be a good wife. Howard told Robin he was doing his mother's voice saying her husband has needs but she'd be celibate if it was up to her. Howard said most of the people just wanted him off the phone. He said he'd try to keep them on the phone. Howard said the people wouldn't help an old lady out. He said they do have jobs though so he can understand.
Robin said now Howard can understand Richard and Sal's plight. Howard said he loves trying to see how long he can keep someone on the phone. He said he told one woman that he was wearing a girdle and no one wears them anymore. He said he was doing both voices with his mom and dad. He said that the girl would say she had to leave and he'd forget who he was playing. Howard said the people you call are sitting there stunned.
Howard said he has some tape but it's kind of disjointed. He played a clip of one of his calls where he's talking to a guy and asking what he has there. Howard had his mother reacting to the guy when he told her about having dildos. Howard had his mom, Ray, asking what she would do with that. Then he had her asking Ben if he wanted her to put a penis in him. He had his dad saying he wasn't going to do that. The guy at the store gave her some other suggestions about vibrators and things like that. The guy said he had a customer so he had to get off the phone.
Howard said those guys don't get thrown by anything. Robin said they've heard it all. Howard said it was fun though. He said he called about 10 places. He said he had one good one but then you can't get permission to play it. Howard played another clip where he was asking a woman for something wild because that's what her husband wants. Howard had Ben and Ray talking about that but Ben couldn't hear Ray. The woman on the phone gave some suggestions but Howard kept interrupting with his mom explaining to Ben what was going on. Ray was asking if she had to be naked to do this stuff. Of course she did. The woman eventually said she had a customer and she had to get off the phone. Howard tried to keep her on the line but she had to go.
Howard said she hung up. Howard said he's wondering what sex shop has customers. Howard said they're like Radio Shack.
- Howard Says Radio Shack Is The Worst Run Company. 03/05/14. 6:15am
Howard said he was reading about Radio Shack in the news. He said he was wondering how they stay in business. He said 20 years ago they had stuff that no one wanted. He said they'd carry walkie talkies and things like that. Howard said they still sell that stuff. Howard said you'd go there for a cable wire or something. He said he'd go in there and wonder what people are buying.
Howard read the article about Radio Shack where they say that they're looking to shut down 1300 of their stores. Howard said they lost like $400 million according to that article. Howard said he thinks he went in there and buy a jack or something. He said maybe he bought a cassette recorder that he could carry around. He said you'd buy something and then walk up to the cash register and they'd put you through the third degree. He said they won't just let you buy something. Gary said he still goes there to buy stuff and they ask you for your phone number, zip code and address. He said he just says no to all of that. Howard said he used to try that and they wouldn't let you buy anything if you don't give the information.
Howard said he used to talk about this on the air and he'd wonder why they need that information. He said the key is to get you in and out of there in 3 seconds. He said they shouldn't ask you that stuff. Howard said it has to be the worst run company ever. He said they ask you 10 minutes of questions for a 3 dollar item. He said they have you captured in there when you try to buy something. He said it's the worst.
Gary said it's for connectors and plugs. He said that's what he and Scott the Engineer were talking about. Gary said they sell computers and phones now. He said you can go to so many places and not a Radio Shack. He said he's not sure why anyone would go there for either one of those things. Howard said it's like a store that never found its identity. Gary said other than the plugs and connectors. Howard said it's such a badly run company.
Howard said they used to sell Sirius radios when they were first going to Sirius. Howard said you want to see small stores do well so it is kind of depressing. He said he doesn't want to see them go out of business but they're so poorly run.
Gary said there are a lot of companies like that like Hostess. Howard said it's sad. He said 50 years from now there may not even be an Apple. He said they could be fucked by some other company that brings something out. Howard said they talk about Blue Chip stocks but they don't have that anymore. Howard said that so many things can screw a company up.
Howard said he went to a Radio Shack and he found a nice guy to help. He said he got to the check out and there was a line about 25 people deep. Howard said he had to go meet Jim Meyer and he had a half hour to get there. Howard said he wasn't sure he was going to make it on time. Howard said he got in the line and waited and waited. Howard said they had 3 cashiers and they had no motivation. Howard said people were just standing there like drones to check out. Howard said people wanted to take pictures with him but he had to say no. He said he would have if he didn't have to get out of there. Howard said one employees said he was intimidated by him and he was trying to raise money for a project he was doing. Howard said he was talking to him while he was on line. Howard said he wanted to get out of there though.
Howard said the guy was a nice guy but he had to get out. Howard said one cashier started working really fast to get him in his line. Howard said if the owner of the store knew how this was going they'd fire everyone.
Howard said the cashier got him and asked who he looks like. Howard said he told the guy he had to get out of there. Howard said the guy kept saying he looked like someone. He said he told the guy he looks like Brad Pitt. He said the guy said that's not it. He said that the guy was having a conversation with him and not checking him out. He said he eventually slowly started doing it. Howard said he told the guy sometimes he hears George Clooney. He said the guy said that's not it either. Howard said then a cashier came over and said she loves him. The other cashier walked over to ask who he was. Howard said he was standing there waiting to check out. He said the cashier came back and knew he was Howard Stern. Howard said he confirmed it. Howard said he didn't want to upset anyone. He said this turned him off to shopping. He said he rang him up and he gave him the money and got out of there. Howard said this was a Radio Shack and that's their problem. He said it has to be about the customer. He said they didn't pay attention to their customers.
Gary said there are only certain people allowed near the cash register too. Howard said that's true. He said he went to a high end store and the guy must have just started. He said he was spending some dough and the guy had no idea how to use the cash register. Howard said he had to be kidding. He said he's a famous dude and he could slam the store. He said if they're training someone they should stand by him. He said that it's amazing how they run a company. He said this store is a very well known store too. He said they put his name in the paper quickly but he didn't have a good experience there. Howard said the guy had no idea how to use the register. He said they should teach him at night until he knows what he's doing. He said it's like putting someone on Broadway who doesn't know his lines.
Howard said the experience should be effortless. He said it's not. Howard said that's what Radio Shack is like. He said they have to shut down 1/5th of their stores. Gary said he's shocked they've lasted as long as they have. Howard said he is too. He said he'd be firing people and checking on their employees. Gary said he used to work in a store that they did that in. He said you knew that they were watching. He said they went out of business eventually though.
Gary said he tries not to get upset in line. He said he waits for someone else to do that. He said they can be the asshole instead. Gary said he doesn't want to be that guy because then you can never go back there.
Howard said it's just poorly run businesses. He said it's sad because it's America and you can get ahead if you run something right.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he must be working in the wrong business. He said it seems like everyone at Radio Shack is a manager. Howard said he's sad about it. He said he doesn't like reading that in the paper. He said he even bitched about them on the air. Howard said Scott is in the back defending them.
Howard said it's no wonder Scott is defending them. Scott came in and said that in the 80s it was the best place to go. Howard said they haven't grown. Scott said they haven't. He said he wasn't defending them now. He said that it's great for wires and connectors. Fred said it's really not. He said they've turned it into a mini Best Buy but that doesn't work. Howard said he got the wrong information. He told Scott to open a store called Sad Shack. The caller asked if he can win tickets to his 70th birthday. Howard said they're going to start that now.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the service is gone from stores. He said it's just gone. Howard said his daughters have worked in stores in retail and he's so proud of them when they do it. Howard said they'd come home and complain but he'd talk to them about how good it is when you're helpful and people are appreciative. Howard said that they're learning how to treat people properly. He said that their boss will be very appreciative. Howard said it's a lost art. Howard said that people can look down on that but it's not a shameful thing to do. Robin said that they don't always work like that. She said she's talking about the big box stores and how they don't include customer service in their job title. Howard said he thinks she's wrong. Robin said she's right.
Howard said they have a good staff there and they were doing such a great job at the birthday show. Howard said that they can do other things when they're called upon to do them. Howard said that when you work at a store and someone asks you where something is you think about how you want the store to succeed so you do what you can to help. He said you help that customer. Howard said when he was a dishwasher he did the best job he could. He said he took pride in doing that because his boss told him he was the best dishwasher he had. Howard said he'd help the other people out there in the kitchen because he wanted that place to be successful. Howard said you're a successful human being if you're a leader.
Robin said they used to say that the customer was always right but that has gone away. Howard said she's right about that. Robin said they have done studies about this and they say that you do get better business if you have good customer service.
Howard said Chelsea Handler is coming in today. Robin said she never got to say hello to her. Howard said Jillian Barberie is calling in today too. Howard said he has to talk to her about a few things.
- Howard Takes Some Calls. 03/05/14. 6:35am
Robin said she was thinking about the show yesterday and how they had Bryan Cranston and the woman who is flying into space on the same day. Howard said he always forgets the show by the next day. He said the show is long at 4 or 5 hours. He said he's not sure what the hell is going on after a while.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who had a decent phone connection. Howard said he must have Verizon now. King said he does. Howard said he tried Spring and AT&T and they weren't as good as Verizon. Howard said it's a better service. Howard said that's why he went with them. He said there were places he couldn't make phone calls from with the other services. He said he was in Las Vegas and he wasn't able to make a call at a hotel lobby with AT&T. He said he made the switch to Verizon and it worked. King said he felt bad leaving his previous company. Howard said he didn't feel bad at all.
King said he has a running shoe for Howard. Howard said he's the fattest guy on the planet. King said he got them for the looks. Howard said anyone who is a real runner doesn't go for style. He said the only running shoe he wears is Asics. Howard said they're great. He said he can't switch from them. He said even if someone comes up with the most fly shoes he's not getting them. King said he got Adidas and he loves them. He said they're called the Springblade. Howard said they must be good for sitting on your ass all day. King laughed. Howard asked if he gets up set when they get dirty. King said he does. Howard said when he was a kid he would get them dirty fast so they'd look old. Howard said a lot of people want clean ones. He said he doesn't get that.
Howard said he used to get sneakers that were like a rip off of Converse sneakers. He said Converse is what everyone wanted.
Howard asked King if he wears his good sneakers to his job. King said he keeps them in the box in his closet. He said he won't wear them to work. Howard asked when he wears them. King said he'll put some cologne on and go out with his sneakers. Howard asked what cologne he wears. King said he has some good shit. He said it's like $300 a bottle. King said that you don't put that stuff on your clothes. He said you put it on your neck and one long line from your throat to your stomach.
Howard asked King if he would become white if he could snap his fingers and do that. King said he would stay black. King said he loves being black. Howard said that's what it seems like. King said when you're black and you go into a place where white people are, their eyes are all on you. He said he'll make a scene so everyone sees him.
King said that his father used to buy him a car every other year. He said his dad would tell him not to act like he liked the car. He said they'd walk in and he'd say ''I love this shit!'' He said his dad would look at him like he was out of his mind. He said now he knows what to do but back then he was like 16 years old and he'd just act like that.
King asked Howard if he got Beth pregnant would he kill it or keep it. Howard said he'd keep it. He said Beth isn't going to go along with that. King said his therapy is working. King also said in 10 years Howard is going to be 70. Howard thanked him for doing the math for him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he doesn't get to listen to the interviews at home. He said he listens going to work. He said the Bryan Cranston interview was great and maybe his best. Howard said Bryan is great and he's so forthcoming. He said he's a great guy. The caller said that he loves when Bryan gets into character and then during the breaks he can step out of it. He said Howard was trying to think of that guy Christian Bale when he was talking about them staying in character.
Howard took a call from a guy who was in San Francisco so he asked what the temperature was. The guy said it's like 57 out there. He said he feels bad for them on the East coast. Howard said that his daughter loves out there and it's not the coldest but it's not the warmest place either. He said they keep a nice temperature out there for her. Howard had to go to break after that.
- Jillian Barberie Calls In. 03/05/14. 7:00am
After the break Howard came right back and said that Jillian Barberie will be on the phone. Howard said she had a TV show in Los Angeles and some people think they're part of a family. Then they drop you. Howard had her on the phone a short time later.
Howard asked Jillian how long she was there. She said she was there for 20 years. Howard asked what's up with her voice. Jillian said it's 4 in the morning. She said she's doing talk radio and it's very hard on her voice too. Howard said you have to give a lot of content when you do radio. She said that she was at FOX for 20 years at Good Day L.A. and that was all visual. She said they don't give the shit about the weather. She said it's all about what you're wearing. She said you have banter back and forth but it's only a few minutes. She said she's doing radio now and this is her third week and she's exhausted.
Howard said you have to pace yourself. Howard said he went out to dinner with his boss last night and he had to leave and go to bed. He said that's what you have to do. Jillian said she did that TV show for 20 years and it was like a religion thing. She said she can't stay up late at all anymore. She said she's used to going to bed early.
Howard said he knew that Jillian's husband was going to leave her. Howard said he told her this years ago. Jillian said she was on the show 5 years ago and she was pregnant. She said that her husband's show had just come out and Howard warned her that wasn't good. Howard said he saw that show and knew her marriage wasn't going to last. Howard said it was mean of him to say that but he played a clip of him telling her that there would be resentment there. In the clip Jillian told Howard that they were going through therapy. Howard told her that it will end in divorce. Howard said he knows the guy and he knows they're not in love anymore.
Howard said he knew it the second he saw that. Jillian said she knew that was coming when she announced her divorce. Jillian said David Arquette was right when he said it's the ultimate life changer. She said she's devastated. Howard said she has work, kids and no husband. Jillian said she's the sole provider so she needs a nanny. She said that she's had the kids for a year all alone. She said they just started doing weekends with him. Jillian said that she's paying for everything with the kids and she always has. She said they're in a situation where they're good friends and it's amicable. She said she's always been the sole provider for the family. She said he is working but she's not asking for anything.
Howard said Jillian is some catch. She said next time she's going to be the girl and not do this. Robin asked if he's going to give some money eventually. Jillian said once he gets on his feet he probably will. She said marriage is very hard and when you add kids it's even harder.
Howard asked when the sex stopped. She said they've been separated for a year but the sex was happening up until the end. It wasn't as frequent as it used to be. Howard said that happens with everyone. Jillian said that it must still be great with Howard and Beth. Howard said it's still good. Jillian said she knows that Howard is letting her be happy and supporting her. She said that's what people want. She said it can be too much and it's too exhausting at the end of the day.
Howard asked how long it's been since she had sex. Jillian said it's been a year. Howard asked how that is. Jillian said she doesn't worry about that stuff. She said that when the Good Day L.A. thing went down her marriage was failing too so she was melting down. She said she wondered how she was going to pay for that house.
Howard asked when she knew that she was going to be fired. Jillian said they had a boss for 18 years and he'd let them do whatever they wanted. They were number 1 for 12 years so he didn't care what they did. SHE said then they started the layoffs. She said they cut people from the show and they had things going wrong like the time was always wrong on the screen. She said they had a new guy come in and she had a weather area that she had for herself. She said that she had a picture of Howard there. She said the next Monday all of her stuff was taken down. She said she knew that was the beginning of the end. Howard asked if she asked why they did that. Jillian said this guy came in and dismantled the show. She said the ratings were down and people were tuning into their iPads and phones for their information. She said that she doesn't tune into Howard for the news or the guests. She said she tunes in for the relationships they have.
Howard said they fired Dorothy Lucy and Jillian hated her. Jillian said she did not. She said she was an asshole for what she said about Dorothy and she realizes that. She said that management wanted them to play nice and that's what they had to do. She said they could have fought but management didn't want that.
Howard asked if the show has gone up in the ratings. Jillian said it has not. She said it tanked. She said what they did was bring her into a meeting with H.R. there. She said she had never seen H.R.. Jillian said that they told her to go out into the field and do her own thing. She said she didn't want to do that. She asked who she was going to be throwing back to in the studio. She said they couldn't tell her that. Jillian said it was the hardest decision but she had to leave. She said that was her bread making and her family. Howard said Jillian looks great so he doesn't think that it's a looks thing. Howard said Steve is still there. He said he's 70 but he's a dude. He said that doesn't matter to them. He said they like to keep a fresh face there when it comes to a woman.
Jillian said she was in the best shape she was in and she was looking fine. Howard asked if she's been asked out in the past year. Jillian said she went out with a guy but she didn't have sex. She said she made out. She said that she just went to dinner. Howard asked how many kids she has. Jillian said she has two. Howard asked how many guys want to take that on. Jillian said she's paying for them. She said this guy had kids too. She said that she's a good catch.
Howard asked if she was making like 2 million a year. She said the best year she ever had was 1.5. Howard asked what they were paid on that morning show. Jillian said that she was doing well with that. She said that they ended up firing the guy who came in and made all of those changes. Howard said that always happens. He said they fire you and then they get fired or leave. Howard said the guy who fired Jillian is out now and god knows where he is. Jillian said she has no idea.
Howard asked if she has enough money that she doesn't have to work. Jillian said no. She said she has to work. She said she's working at KABC 790AM out in Los Angeles. Howard said he's thinking she's not making more than $150,000 a year. She said she's very happy with what she's making there. Jillian said she has filled in with the guy before and they have fun together doing the show. Howard asked if she's making half a mill a year. She said no. She said she's happy that she can feed the kids and put them in school. Howard said he's wondering what she's making.
Howard asked Jillian if she had a good time at the birthday show. Jillian said it was the best. She said that she was having the worst year of her life and then she got the call to do the red carpet. Howard said he thought she'd be great at that. He said they had her on the red carpet interviewing people. Jillian said she had a great time talking to people and there was so much love in the house for Howard and everyone. She said that she used to mention Howard on Good Day every day because she loved the interviews and what he'd bring out in people.
Howard asked Jillian what she's wearing. Howard said he stopped following her because she stopped posting pictures. Howard said she used to post outfits and then she started tweeting thoughts. Howard said he wants to see outfits. She said she was in sweats and a tank top. Howard let out a sigh. Howard said she looked really good at the birthday show. Howard said he's not sure how Tan Mom ended up there. Jillian said that Sal was carrying her stuff for her. She said that she was talking to Sal and then she ended up on the carpet and she could see her panties and see through them. Jillian said she was getting ready to interview Bill Lawrence and his wife Christa Miller. She said all you see is Tan Mom on the ground and celebrities disbursing. She said they didn't want to be anywhere near her. Jillian said they had celebrities lined up and then they were gone.
Howard said Jillian said now promoting the fact that she's on Midday L.A. with John Phillips. Jillian said there is no competition in radio now. She said now everyone says that they love Howard. Howard said you can listen at KABC.com
Howard asked Jillian if she uses her hand on herself. She said she does. Howard said Robin does that a lot. Howard said she uses her foot. Robin said that she doesn't do that. Howard said she sits on her foot and rocks. Robin said that never happened. Howard let Jillian go after she told them how much she loves them. Howard said Jillian is a survivor. She found a job.
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who said that Jillian really does look good. Mike asked if they're going to see any of this birthday show online or anything. Howard said there will be some stuff soon that he can show but he cant say anything more about it yet. Mike said Robin's speech at the birthday party was great. He said that Robin gave him a big hug and he wanted to snuggle up with those big mammaries. Howard thanked him for the call and said he never did tell Robin how great that speech was.
- Benjy In Sharknado 2. 03/05/14. 7:25am
Howard said they asked John Travolta about his screw up at the Oscars. He said that John is saying that he thinks Idina Menzel would say ''let it go'' to everyone. Howard said that he doesn't say why it happened in his statement. Howard said that's odd. Robin said she doesn't think he beat himself up at all about that.
Howard said they were talking about how Benjy is going to be in Sharknado 2. He said the first movie was so ridiculous. He said sharks get caught up in a tornado and they end up on land and eating people. Howard said they have Ian Ziering and Tara Reid in the movie and Ian ends up chain sawing his way out of the shark. Howard said if he pitched that movie they'd laugh at him. He said that he hasn't seen the movie but he loves talking about it. He said it's the greatest thing ever.
Howard said they wanted him in the movie but they got Benjy instead. Benjy said he's shooting today. Howard said Benjy is going to be eaten by a shark. Howard said this takes place in Manhattan and there are more people there. Howard said the sharks are going to be eating Wall Street guys. Benjy said they told him he'll be playing a homeless man. He said he thought he was going to be a business man. He said that the streets are going to be flooding and that's how they get to the streets. He said he's not sure if it's the same storm that comes to New York.
Howard asked if he got any acting pointers from Bryan Cranston yesterday. Benjy said he watched a Michael Caine thing where he gave tips on acting. Howard said he listened to a tape he put out about where to do movies and how to do them. He said that Michael Caine picks movies based on the time of year and where they're shooting.
Benjy said he heard tips about where to look and you look into one eye. Howard said he remembers hearing that too. He said that was too confusing for him.
Benjy said they told him to meet at the honey wagon on the set. He didn't know what it meant. Robin said she looked it up and they say that it's a mobile toilet or a wagon full of excrement. Howard said Benjy could play the shark shit or something. He said you see half Benjy and half shit. Robin asked why he would be assigned to show up there. Howard said maybe he doesn't have lines. Benjy said he has lines. He said they didn't send them to him though. He said he thinks it'll be improved a bit. Howard had Benjy break into a screaming character. Benjy did that and it was pretty scary.
Howard said Benjy is wearing sunglasses today. He said this may have gone to his head. Robin said that they also say that a honey wagon can be a dressing room. Howard said he has more respect for Benjy now that he's in this. He said that he looks better.
Benjy said he's wondering if he should shave for this. Howard said he would go to the set and they had a guy who would shave him. He said they had a guy who had huge slashes all over his face from shaving. Howard said he thought they were goofing on him. Howard said he started shaving himself when he saw that guy. Howard said the guy looked like he was Edward Scissorhands on his face. Benjy said a straight razor shave feels really good but it's scary. Howard said he didn't want that guy to do it so he didn't get it done.
Howard said maybe Benjy will end up being eaten in a bunch of movies. He said he could get eaten by Godzilla and sharks. Benjy said he would love that.
Howard said a lot of mail came in about Robin examining her own labia. He said people love that about her. Howard said they love the idea of her looking in a mirror. Robin said she took a course in college where they told her to do that. Howard said they had a book out where they talked about doing that stuff. He said it was some feminist book. Howard said all of the guys were saying that their wives and girlfriends had nice labia. Howard said no one is going to admit that they don't. Howard said that there has to be women out there who have bad labia. Robin was going to say something but she cut herself off. She was going to say she's seen bad labia. Howard said some people are in no condition to hear her talk. Howard said it was best she didn't say anything.
Howard said Jennifer Lawrence announced that she went to a party with no panties on. Howard said that means that she was ready for action to the guys who heard it. Howard said that may not mean the same thing to Jennifer.
Howard said there's a web site where they Travoltaize your name. He said he did it and he's like Hwood Strone. Howard said it takes your name and kind of does what Travolta did to that name. Robin said she heard that they have all kinds of sites set up with the name Travolta said.
Howard said that the North Shore Animal League had a couple of dogs come in. He said they have 3 dogs and they can't separate them. Howard said they're not in the same cage at the north shore and they cry for each other. Howard said they are looking for a home that can take in 3 dogs. Howard said they're older dogs and they are really affectionate. Howard said one of them is 14. He said it just sucks. He read about what the dogs do and how old they are. Howard said they're three great dogs. Howard said they have a link up on HowardStern.com for more information. He said they must go home together. He said you have to adopt all 3. Howard said maybe someone listening wants to get involved. Howard said he's involved all day long. Howard said he didn't want to spend all day on that. He said he knows people are tuning in for fun. He said he will get back to the fun soon. Howard said they've adopted out 52 kittens so far. He said they would have been dead. Howard said he doesn't want his balls busted over this. Howard said he hates to break but he has to.
- Chelsea Handler Visits. 03/05/14. 7:50am
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to a religious call in show with some phony stories about things they needed prayers for. Fred also played Tom Petty's ''Free Fallin'' and Jewel's cover of ''Silver Nickels and Golden Dimes'' from Howard's birthday bash as they were coming back.
Howard came back and Robin was in the middle of a laugh. Howard asked what was going on there. Robin said she was talking about some exercise tapes she's doing. She said these people can do so many things and she was wondering if they're super heroes. Howard said they're super into it and that's their whole life. Howard said Robin is a beginner. Howard said it'll take her forever to catch up.
Robin asked if he can keep up with something like that. Howard said he can't keep up with that. Robin said you need a choreographer or something. Robin said she just marches in place and watches people doing it. Howard said Robin should give herself permission to be bad at it.
Howard said that Chelsea Handler is there to promote her book ''Uganda Be Kidding Me''. He said that she looks like she lost some weight or did something. Chelsea said that she may have lost some weight. Howard said he thinks she did something to her face. Chelsea said she hasn't. She said she has no down time. Howard said he follows her and he's surprised that she was at Madonna's Oscar party. He said she showed up there. Howard said he thought she was too cool for that. Howard said she is into it though. Chelsea said that she went with Mary McCormack and Sandra Bullock. She said that she's very likeable. Howard said he met her once. He said he went out of his way to be sensitive toward her. He said that he had to go overboard. He said he has to cry and emote so women won't be scared of him. Chelsea said she has to do that too.
Chelsea said that Mary and Michael don't talk about their kids. She said she respects that a lot. Howard said he asks people about their kids and he regrets it. He said they start talking about them and he really doesn't care. Chelsea said that it can be too much and you have to ask them to stop.
Chelsea said that she was at this Oscar party and they left at 5:30 in the morning. She said she had to work the next day at 2pm. Howard asked if she gets neurotic about it. Chelsea said she does but then someone asks who cares and she stays. Howard said he can't do that. Chelsea said she was a mess the next morning. She said she was doing press all day yesterday too. She said she likes to have a good time and that keeps her brain even.
Howard asked Chelsea if she ever says to herself at 5 in the morning ''What the fuck am I doing?'' Chelsea laughed. Chelsea said that she is really busy with the book promotion and you try to behave. She said you have to stay sane and have a life so that's why she does that. She said drinking keeps her kind of sane. She said she's cut back on how much she drinks but not at that party. She said he had vodka and it was just straight vodka. Howard asked if she ever worries about weight when she's drinking. Chelsea said she does. She said she's not super psyched about her body. She said she just has to cover up.
Howard asked how many vodkas she had at the Madonna party. She said she doesn't know. She said she went to Jane Fonda's house once and she had a Quaalude. She said that she had no idea where it came from but she got 2. She said they're the new ones, not the old ones. Howard said he got addicted to them and they were 25 cents a piece. He said they were addictive but they were great. Chelsea said she was with a friend and she asked if she wanted one. Chelsea said the friend didn't want one so she took both. She said that was a disaster. She said that she knows how to handle herself but she wasn't able to move. She said she couldn't stand up. She said she was holding on to the wall to get to the bar. She said she probably could have been raped twice and she wouldn't have known.
Howard asked if she wanted to get to know Jane Fonda and asked why she took those pills. Chelsea said she just goes with it. She said Jane didn't care that she did it. She said she just saw her last night and she was in the audience at an interview she did with Ronan Farrow.
Howard asked Chelsea if she worries about what people think of her. She said she's almost 40 and she doesn't care anymore. Howard said Chelsea says a lot of stuff on the air that could offend people. She said she doesn't worry about that either. She said that Alex Rodriguez will come up to her and she'll just tell him to go away. Chelsea said that she thinks he's gross and he asks her why she doesn't like him. She said he has a centaur of himself in his bedroom and that's just gross. She said she's not into that kind of guy. She said he's a buffoon. She said his assistant emailed her assistant asking to get them together but she passed on it. She said that she really doesn't ever want to see him. Howard said that's shocking that she will do that. He said she must be dangerous to be around. Chelsea said she's not being funny when she does that either. She said she's really grossed out by the guy.
Howard said it's very sassy to do that. Howard said that Alex must think she wants it from him but she really doesn't.
Howard asked who she would like to go out with. Chelsea said she's kind of single right now but she has a couple of things going on. She said she'd rather not date famous people. Howard said there must be some young hot guys that she's into. Chelsea said she has to think of a guy. She said Michael Fassbender is fun. She said that he's kind of a mess though. Howard said he isn't sure who that is. Robin said he was in the reboot of X-Men.
Howard asked if she saw some dance off that Madonna had with Britney Spears. Chelsea said that she really doesn't care about Madonna. She said that she looks great though. She said that she has been naked next to her and she saw how great she looked. Howard said that she got naked next to Conan too. She claims that he has slapped her with his penis. Howard said that's a major story. Chelsea said he doesn't do that. Howard said he'd like to dick slap her but he doesn't have enough. Chelsea said that she told Conan to do it to her that day. She said he's packing down there too. She said that they did a bit on her show and he didn't take his penis out and slap her with it. She said that it was just a bit they did.
Howard asked if she spoke to Madonna at all. She said she has never met her. She said she saw her but she didn't talk to her at the party. Chelsea said it's her party but she didn't come over and say hello. She said she's not that interested in Madonna.
Chelsea said she danced at the party. She said she hung out with a lot of people there and danced. Howard said he doesn't picture her as a dancer. She said she's not but she did dance. Howard asked if people came up to her and asked her to dance. She said it's not that kind of dance. She said you just dance in a big group. She said you're all hammered and you're just sloppy. Howard asked if he asked her to dance what would she do. She laughed. She said it's not that kind of party.
Howard said it sounds like all of the cool kids getting together. Howard said he wouldn't be one of the cool kids. Chelsea said he is one of the cool kids though. She said she's been to his party and it was great. Howard said he worries about her being too cool for that. Chelsea said she was with Mary and Michael and it was great. She said she goes everywhere with them.
Howard said Chelsea's book ''Uganda Be Kidding Me'' is out now. Chelsea said that she made it a travel book and she wrote it herself. She said she went to Africa in the book. Howard said that she had a black tour guide. She said she had one black and one white. Howard asked who she asked to sleep with her. Chelsea said she went to Africa to find out where rappers come from. She said she had a tour guide named Rex and he rejected her.
Howard asked Chelsea about what went wrong there. Chelsea said she doesn't know how to be a girl. She said that she can't do that thing. Chelsea said she has to travel the world to get penetrated. She said she meets guys in other countries and she likes Spanish men.
Howard said he has tape of 50 Cent talking about sleeping with her. That was from his show the last time he was on. 50 Cent told Howard to tell her he calls her gator and she'll know what he's talking about. 50 said she's cool. Howard asked if he was in love. 50 said he's not saying.
Howard asked what this gator thing is. Chelsea said that she thrashes around a lot. She said that must be what he's talking about. Howard asked what that means. Chelsea said she likes to have sex so she thrashes. She said she has to get the most out of it.
Howard asked how many times he has to fuck her with a condom before he can take it off. SHE said it's not that many times. Howard said he's not sure why he's so afraid. Chelsea said he's a hypochondriac. Howard said he must be. Chelsea said she's not sure how he sleeps. Howard said sometimes he can't. He said that his mother told him to just lay down and if he sleeps he sleeps if he doesn't he doesn't.
Howard said Chelsea went to Africa and said to the tour guide she wanted to have sex and the guy said no. Howard said that frustrated her. Howard said you'd think guys would want that but this guy didn't. Chelsea said he had a girlfriend and she didn't take that seriously. She said that's why he rejected her. She said that she was wasted that night and she just told him to come to her room. She said the next day her friend was telling her how disgusting that was of her to do that. She said her friend told her that the guide told her that he had a girlfriend. She said now he's in the book.
Howard said maybe she hates men. Chelsea said she doesn't hate men. She said her father is a loser and a disappointment but she doesn't hate men. She said that he sexually harasses women at the home he lives in. She said they had to put him in an all male home and he harasses the gay men there. She said that he calls them the F-word. She said they had to find an all white male home for him. Howard asked if he was like that when he was young. She said he doesn't even have Alzheimer's. She said that her brothers and sisters deal with him most of the time now because she can't take it.
Chelsea said she loves men. Howard said this anger toward her father has to come out toward men. She said that it really doesn't. She said she doesn't treat men badly. Howard said that thing with her dad is pretty intense. Howard asked if she said she wished she could put him to sleep like a dog. She said euthanize him, yes. She said he's 82 or 83. Howard said they put him in the home and he harasses people there. Chelsea said that he likes black girls and that's it. She said that she talks about him in her book. She said that she has to pay them to not file charges against him. Howard said it sounds like he hates her. Chelsea said it does. She said he's a real narcissist. She said that he only thinks about himself.
Howard asked if she has ever had to clean him up after shitting himself. Chelsea said she would never do that. She said that's why she won't have kids. She said she rarely even sees him. She said he's in New Jersey and she only spends a day or two there. She said she goes on to the next city and doesn't go visit him. She said that he had a used car dealer and the lot was their driveway. She said there were more cars coming in than going out too.
Howard said he read that she did a genealogy show and they found that one of her relatives was a Nazi. Chelsea said that she went to Berlin for this show and they woke up one morning and went to a concentration camp. She said she didn't think she wanted to do that. She said her cousin said that no one was in the mood to go to one. She said that she wanted to get out of it because she was hung over and that's not cool. She said that her grandpa was the Nazi in the family.
Howard said Chelsea has said that she would never have Paris Hilton on her show. She said she's too fucking stupid. She said that anyone who shows off her vagina that much and has the perfume and all of that is just too much. She said she's seen her at stuff and she once came up to her and introduced herself. Chelsea said she just laughed at her. Chelsea said she just walked away. She said she can't talk to people like that. She said she doesn't do that because she thinks she's better than her or anything. She said it's just embarrassing that they do these reality shows. Howard asked if that's their fault or our fault for watching. Chelsea said it's both.
Howard said Gwyneth Paltrow was on her show and she said something about being addicted to sex. Howard said he thinks that she told her that off the air and Chelsea went on the air with that. Howard said Chelsea went on the air and told the story about how she thinks blow jobs are an important part of a relationship. Howard asked if she was upset with her. Chelsea said she wasn't. She said that Gwyneth is great with that. She said that she did refer to something with her being a sex addict since she met her. She said that she's not mad at her.
Howard asked if Chelsea has friends who aren't celebrities. Chelsea said that she has a lot of friends from when she was young. She said she likes a lot of people who come on her show.
Howard said he saw that she tweeted out something about Angelina Jolie adopting the woman from 12 Years a Slave and that got a lot of flack. Howard said that people were upset with her saying that she's a racist. Howard said he's not sure why people are upset. Chelsea said it was clearly a joke and it's not racist. She said she's a comedian and if you don't like her then don't follow her. She said she doesn't care.
Howard asked if she blocks people on Twitter. She said she has assistants who show her how to do that stuff. SHE said she has no idea what the difference is between WiFi and 4G is. She said the more successful she becomes the less she's able to do anything herself. She said she used to be able to hook up a TiVo but she can't do that anymore.
Chelsea said she hates her iPhone. She said that she can't even use the thumbprint thing because she has people who have to get into her phone. Howard said she must feel like an infant when it comes to that. She said she does. She said that she has to have people label her food for her.
Howard asked Chelsea if she wishes she had a simpler life. She said she really does. She said she went to visit a friend and she wants to have a small apartment like she has. She said she wants to go back to being simple.
Howard asked if she hates Angelina Jolie. She said she doesn't care about her. Howard said he knows she's friends with Jennifer Aniston. Chelsea said that she doesn't say anything about Angelina when she's around her. She said they've never spoken about her. Howard asked if she's seen Justin Theroux naked. She said she may have said that as a joke but she hasn't seen him naked.
Howard said that he imagines her getting dick slapped in bed by a guy. Howard asked what the worst thing a guy has done to her in bed. Chelsea said that guys will talk dirty or say ''what'' when you say something sexy. She said that turns her off. She said that you should not ask ''what'' in bed. Howard asked if she tells them to ''fuck my pussy'' in bed. She said she will but if a guy says what then it's a wrap.
Howard said Bill Carter does reports on late night TV and he did an article about Jimmy Fallon joining late night. Howard said Chelsea was the only one in parentheses. Howard said that she wasn't sure why she was the only one like that. Howard said she is a factor in late night TV. Chelsea said this has happened in a few articles and it's annoying. She said she has a staff of 150 people and if you're ignoring her then you're ignoring all of them. She said that they're on at 11 and it's not something to be ignored.
Howard asked Chelsea if she thinks she should be on a bigger network. She said she should be. She said the E! network is a failure and they don't know what they're doing over there. She said they think she's difficult but she shows up and does her job. Chelsea said there is no support system there. She said they don't help with marketing or anything like that. She said that they're just worried about the other networks at Comcast/NBC and they don't care about E!.
Howard asked if she's got the biggest show there. She said the Kardashians are the biggest. She said she has had them on her show. She said that Kim and Paris are pretty much the same kind of person. Howard said he saw Chelsea at a party and she was showing off her legs. She said she never does that. She said that she likes showing off her tits because they're real. Howard said he can't believe they're real. Howard said she's a good looking girl and she has great tits. Howard said they look so nice you just assume they're fake. She said they can be unmanageable. She said they get big sometimes. She said that Mary told her that she should get a reduction. Chelsea said she went in the pool and she got out without a top on and Mary told her how great they were. She said she sleeps in a bra a lot to keep them perky. She said Mary and Michael showed up when she was in the pool.
Howard asked how she stays unemotional about the guys she fucks. She said they're in far away places. She said she stays in touch.
Chelsea asked what Howard did for Beth for Valentine's day. Howard said he thinks he told her this off the air. Howard said she likes to go online shopping. Howard said he saw her looking at a web site she likes and you fight with other women to get something. Howard said he put money in an account for her on this web site and she gets first dibs on this stuff when it comes up. He said he had to put a considerable amount of money in that account to make that happen. He said they notify her when they have new stuff so she knows first.
Howard asked why Chelsea broke up with that Andre guy. She said that was a long time ago. She said she loved him but they can't make it work. Howard asked if she thinks she'll ever get married. Chelsea said she may when she's like 50 or more. She said that it's been too hard so far. She said that she has to have a guy who can hold her over until then. She said it's not that important to her. She said she has a lot of friends she likes to hang out with.
Howard asked who is in that group of friends. Mary McCormack and Whitney Cummings were in there. Chelsea said there are a lot of them. She said there are a lot that Howard wouldn't know.
Howard asked about this guy she's fucking in Belize. Howard asked if he asks her about not having feelings for him. She said that it doesn't come up.
Howard said he loves that she admits that she thinks the E! network are losers. Howard asked if she thinks she could wipe the floor with the guys if she was on a network. Chelsea said it's not like that. She said the E! people tell her that they're behind her and they'll support her. She said that they obviously aren't going to get better. Howard said he loves that she can say that. He said he can't do that. Howard said he's worried about hurting people's feelings. Chelsea said they say she's difficult to work with but she's not. She said she's a bitch but she's not difficult.
Howard said that she might be a narcissist. Howard said that she looks at it from her point of view and not theirs. She said she really doesn't. She said she looks at it from both. Chelsea said she has to do things for them to help out and she's not sure why. Howard said that he has spoken to people in her position and they hold it in.
Howard asked when her contract is up. She said it's up this year and she's sure after this interview they will be fine with letting her go.
Howard said Chelsea does a show that's different than a regular talk show. Howard said he likes that because it's refreshing. Howard said a network would like that. Howard said that they have a woman's point of view too. Chelsea said she wants to be challenged more and do something different. She said she'd like it to be between what she does and what Bill Maher does. She said it can get brain numbing after a while.
Chelsea said that she'd like to do a Netflix kind of thing with her show. She said she likes the idea of people being able to watch when they want to. Howard asked what kind of money she could get doing that. She said she's not sure.
Howard said that Chelsea is looking a little Robin Wright Penn like with the short hair. Chelsea said she loves her. She said that she loves House of Cards too. Howard said he hasn't seen that show yet. Howard said he can't figure out that whole Netflix thing.
Howard said he didn't know that she had Irving Azoff as a manager. She said that she does. Howard said that he's usually a music manager. She said he is. She said that she walked into Irving's house and they were plying a new album and she asked ''what the fuck is this shit?'' She said it was a new album that she didn't like. She said Irving loves that stuff but his other clients may not.
Howard asked Chelsea about hanging out with Oprah. He asked what she does with her. Chelsea sad she did an interview with her in her house. Howard asked if she would be friends with her. Chelsea said she would if she wanted to be. Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel figured out how to make that happen.
Howard gave Chelsea a plug for her book and said he has to get it. He said there's also a story he has to ask about. He said she went to Detroit and did some charity benefit. She was doing a show for a theater and she gave the money to the employees and they all got like $800. Howard said it went horribly wrong though. Chelsea said all of the people there looked like they were on their last leg. She said she wanted to donate her fee to the employees. She said they did that and they got like $860. She said she was told they can't do that for tax purposes. She said that she insisted they do it. She said she did it and within 2 weeks two of the people tried to add a number on the check so it was like $1860 and one tried to do over 100,000. She said that the others went out and spent it on crack and things like that. She said she tried to do a good thing and it didn't work. Chelsea said that she once bought a woman teeth because she was upset with a joke she made about people without teeth. She said that she gave her like 20 grand and she went and got teeth and then she got another letter asking for uppers. She said it never ends.
Howard said Chelsea is doing shows there at Madison Square Garden and it's sold out. She said that she's going to Washington DC and Cleveland tonight and tomorrow. Howard said that she's on some tour. He said he's tired and he doesn't know how she can do this. She said she has an hour of material she does.
Chelsea told Howard that she has family that have jobs but they don't all work like she does. She said she has a sister who hasn't worked in 10 years and she told her that this is the best time of her life. She said that she just takes the kids to school and picks them up. She said that would be impressive if she was doing that as an Eskimo with a rickshaw.
Howard said that she must have to pay her staff a lot of money. She said she's fine with that. She said they deserve it. Howard said he loves that she says she hates working at E!. She said that she's sure after they hear this they're going to call Irving and say ''no negotiations.''
Howard asked Chelsea if she ran into Joan Rivers at the birthday show. Chelsea said she didn't. Howard asked if they're still feuding. Chelsea said she doesn't think they were feuding. Howard said he heard that Comcast told her that she's not allowed to talk about the Today show or Matt Lauer. She said they don't tell her what she can talk about. She said they do ask her to take some stuff out of the show if it's something she's okay with but not that kind of thing. She said she had a joke about someone commenting on straight men commenting on the Oscars and how you need to get a dick in your ass right away. She said they thought she was talking about Ryan Seacrest but she really wasn't. She said she didn't care about the joke that much that it had to stay in.
Howard gave Chelsea a plug for her book ''Uganda Be Kidding Me'' and said he thinks it'll be a best seller. Howard said he likes her because she may be more miserable than him. Howard said that makes him happy. He said you can find out more about her at ChelseaHandler.com. He said her show is simulcast on SiriusXM too. Howard said he didn't know that.
Howard asked if Chelsea is getting used to seeing Whitney Cummings with a black guy. Chelsea said that she didn't know she had to get used to it. She said that Whitney is like a black person now and it's great. Howard said they've said too much. He said she won't have as much fun the rest of the day like she did here. Howard asked what she'd doing later. She said she's flying down to Washington DC on a private jet. She said that she doesn't pretend she flies commercial when she doesn't. She said there are 4 or 5 of them who fly together. Howard asked what it's like. Howard said he's never been on one. Chelsea said he's full of it. Howard said they have learned a lot this morning. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
- Robin's News. 03/05/14. 9:30am
After the break Howard came back and said he mentioned those three dogs at the North Shore earlier. Howard said the three dogs have to stay together. He said two are 14 and one is 10. He said the woman had to go into a nursing home. He said the dogs are so attached to one another. Howard said he'd love it if someone stepped in and took them. He said the dogs are fully trained. He said you can take the leap of faith and take them in.
Howard said he had a lot of fun there with Chelsea. He said he likes her. He said she's a fascinating woman. Howard said that story about her dad in the nursing home was too much.
Howard had Fred play Robin into her news with a song parody. Robin said that song was terrible and he put no effort into it at all. It was to the tune of Purple Rain and it was about his Purple Vein. Howard said the guy doesn't have a studio. He said not everyone has a studio like Psych. Howard said in his opinion it's perfect. Fred said that was Zachary who called in the other day. Howard said he loves his work. He said he thinks he's a truck driver. Howard said he also won their prettiest penis contest. Robin said that's the one George Takei liked.
Robin started her news with a story about Jimmy Kimmel's show that aired after the Oscars. Robin said that it was so good it'll air on Saturday at 8pm on ABC.
Robin read a story about school lunches and a documentary, called Lunch Hour, that was done that she participated in about that. She said that it's available now.
Robin read a story about the Housewives of New Jersey being in court yesterday being accused of some fraud charges. Robin said the husband isn't even an American citizen. Robin said he could end up being deported. Robin said it's Joe and Teresa Guidice. Robin said the wife faces up to 27 months in jail. Robin said their lawyer is hoping to get probation for the husband so he doesn't have to be deported.
Howard took a call from Ham Hands Bill who said that he wanted to ask Chelsea a question earlier. He told Howard he uses Audible.com like he was plugging during the break. Howard asked what he was going to ask Chelsea. Bill kept saying ''hello'' so Howard hung up on him. He said he's not sure what planet he's on.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if he will do band rehearsals in the studio when he puts his band together. Howard said he's not sure anyone would want to hear that. Howard said he can play Hurt and Old Man all the way through and ''Across the Universe'' he has about halfway done. Howard said he went from that song right into Old Man like bands can do. Howard said he did the half of ''Across the Universe'' and right into Old Man.
Howard said he wants to get some recording equipment so he can get some of it recorded. He said he's getting this thing that he can't remember the name of. He had it on his phone. Howard said Richard Gibbons told him this. He mentioned this thing called a 4 track porta-studio. Howard said that it's like a thing you can carry in your lap. Howard said Richard told him about this thing and it's very user friendly. Howard said this model is from Zoom and it's an R16. He said it's 399 bucks and shipping is free. Howard said he might do it. Fred said he has tried using stuff like that and he had a hard time with it. Fred said he uses Garage Band himself. Howard asked if he could understand it. Fred said it's got a learning curve. The caller said he uses a program called Audacity. He said any dummy can learn it. Howard said he's a dummy so he can learn it.
The caller wanted Howard to try playing right now in the studio. Howard said he's not sure he wants to do that. The caller said Robin can sing. Howard said Robin's head might explode from his guitar playing. The caller kept telling him to just go for it. Howard said that might be a bit self indulgent. Howard said he'll see. He said if they do a nighttime rehearsal he'll just flip a microphone on.
Howard said they are trying to put a band together. Howard asked Fred if he wants to be in it. Fred said if Howard wants him to. Robin said he's giving his parent's answer. Howard said he won't have him in if he doesn't want to be there. Fred said he has to think about it. Fred said he may not be right for the band. He said whatever Howard says is what's right for the band. Howard said he can't believe he doesn't want to be in it. He said Richard wants to be in it. Howard said he'll get some other dudes then. Fred is out. Robin said that's mind blowing. Howard said he was his go to guy. Fred said he's in then. Howard said no and said he's fired. He said he really understands it though. Howard said he has to get out of that conversation though. He said that he doesn't get what Fred is saying.
Fred said that they have some guys there who play and he can get them in there. Fred said Paul Gressini is a great guitar player from what he's heard. He said he's never heard him play though. Howard said Ralph wants in but he doesn't play anything.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a case in New Jersey where an 18 year old is suing her parents for tuition to school. Robin said she doesn't live at home anymore. Howard said she claims that she got thrown out and that she was abused. Robin said that she claims the father was over affectionate and her mother called her fat. Howard said that sounds loving to him. Howard said the parents say she left the house and now she wants money. Robin said she's living at a friend's house and the father of that child is giving her the money to sue her parents. They spent a little more time talking about that and then Howard did a live commercial read.
Robin read a story about a woman who drove her minivan, with her kids in it, into the ocean. Robin said the woman has been hospitalized. Robin said that they're not sure if it was intentional or an accident. Robin said a witness said that the kids were screaming that their mother was trying to kill them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his wife told him he was talking about pretty vaginas and no one would talk about their ugly vagina. Howard said it was labia but go ahead. The caller said his wife has a large labia minora. He said he loves her very much though. Howard said everyone there on the show has small ones. Howard said that he wants to see a photo. The caller said his wife would show him. Howard told Gary to book this guy and his wife so he can see that. Robin said that all came about because of a Craigslist ad from a guy who likes big labia. Howard put the guy on hold. Howard said he'll have to try not to laugh. Robin said she may have a perfectly normal vagina. Howard said he can't believe someone wants to come in and show that. Howard told Gary to bump George Clooney and book that guy.
Robin read a story about a woman who posted an ad about how she knows her husband is cheating on her and it's become a viral internet hit. Howard did a live commercial read and then took a break.
After the break, around 10:00am, Howard came back and said he was thinking about how Chelsea Handler told A-Rod to fuck off. He said that hit him funny.
Robin asked what went on with The Bachelor Juan Pablo. Howard said that he's an asshole. Howard said the guy is a handsome guy who is an idiot. Howard said he has no idea how to talk to women. Howard said he acts like a retard and the women all look like fools. He said he thinks women are turned off to the dude. He said it's a good lesson for women. He said you have to date guys like him who work hard.
Robin asked what the future of television is. Howard said it's constantly evolving. He said he thinks there will be a lot of TV being produced. Howard said he thinks there will be room for a network thing so people can watch a football game or the Academy Awards together. Robin said that some people are cutting off their cable TV. Howard said a lot of younger people are doing that now. He said the whole thing is changing. Howard said when you read that Breaking Bad had 13 million viewers then you know it's more than that. He said that there are so many ways to get the material. He said E! will still be a shitty network in the future though. He said Chelsea was right about that. He said he loves that she's honest about that. He said you have to love her. He said if you don't then there's something wrong with you.
Robin read that Disney made a deal with Dish Network to offer a couple of their channels on a streaming only service. Howard said that you don't really need a network now. Howard said you can just throw stuff up on the internet yourself now. Howard said he'd like to put a TV show up on his web site. He said he should do that like Jerry Seinfeld does with his show ''Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.'' Howard said he might put Benjy in it. Fred played Benjy screaming from earlier in the show. Fred said that was Benjy getting his sides from the movie. He was doing his Benjy voice and saying ''There goes my calves.''
Howard said he got an interview request from Piers Morgan's people. He said they want him to do the last show. Howard said he might do it. He said he told Piers it wasn't going to be so easy. Howard said he might have to eat some humble pie on Friday. Howard said he thinks that Piers is going to be eaten by a shark and cut his way out with a chainsaw. Howard said he's not sure he wants to stay up late for that show. He said the reality of doing it is hard. He said that he got word yesterday about it. He said he has a bunch of things that he would do but he's not sure if he will do it. Howard said if he could do it now he would. He said he's not sure there's any good time to do it. Howard said if he doesn't do it it's not because he doesn't like Piers. It's because he's essentially too lazy.
Robin said today is Ash Wednesday. Howard said he used to give people ashes so they didn't have to go to church. Robin said they were just cigarette ashes though. Howard said they probably do the same thing at church. Howard said he finds it kind of odd when he sees someone with ash on their forehead. He said he's not putting down religion but it is kind of odd. He said he pretends not to see it.
Robin read that there are ashes to go stations around town for people who can't get to church. Robin said they have dozens of locations across the country and England.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he dated a girl in college who had some serious beef curtains. He said he had to take a step back the first time he saw them. He said it looked like a nut sack hanging there. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Robin had some audio of Hillary Clinton talking about Vladimir Putin going into Ukraine and how it's very similar to what Hitler did. Howard said he loves not knowing. He said he doesn't even know where it is on a map.
Robin read about what some politicians are saying about President Obama's handling of this situation. Howard said he wouldn't know either. Robin had some audio of John McCain talking about that situation. Robin said that they're still evaluating what they should do about the situation over there. Howard said now he knows what Sal feels every day.
Robin read a story about a woman in Alabama who is trying to get a bill passed that would make it illegal for an abortion to happen once there is a heart beat. Howard said that she can take care of the baby then. Howard said we have a person you can dump your baby off at when you don't want it.
Robin read about how Chris Christie is taking a hit in the polls over the way he handled the hurricane Sandy recovery. Robin said he's dropped quite a bit over the past few months. Robin said he started out very good but now he's having a tough time.
Robin read about Nicki Minaj's mother who is getting into the music business. Robin had a clip of one of her songs. Robin said that it will be released soon.
Robin read that the Dove people are going to take down a billboard that called New Jersey the ''Armpit of America.'' Robin said that they have a new deodorant coming out and the people of New Jersey aren't happy about it. Howard said you have to be embracing of everyone when you advertise something. Robin said the campaign has been canceled. Robin ended her news and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
- Wrap Up Show - Jillian Barberie And More. 03/05/14. 10:30am
Jon Hein and Gary started the show talking about the prank calls Howard made with Richard and Sal. Gary said Howard has been doing that forever. He said he remembers sitting at K-Rock with Howard making prank calls.
Jon said that Howard was also talking about Radio Shack today. Gary said he goes there about 5 times a year and he probably doesn't spend more than 50 bucks the whole year. Gary said that he goes for adapters and cables and stuff. He said there is stuff you can only get there unless you order it online. Jon said it's only an incidental visit for him. He said he won't go there unless he just runs across it. He said they were making fun of themselves in the commercials they were running recently. They haven't changed much.
Gary said if he sees someone buying a phone on there you laugh at them. He said you get just as good a deal at Verizon as you do there. He said he's not sure why anyone would buy a phone there. Jon said the customer service just isn't there anymore at a lot of places.
Gary said his wife gets upset with him because he has no patience for people who work in retail and act angry when you ask for something. He said there is nothing worse than going somewhere and the employees there act like they don't see you.
Gary said he and Mary went to look for a vacuum cleaner at Circuit City once. He said he saw about 5 and they looked fine and he asked for an employee to help. He said he was reading the tags and he had no clue about what was best.
Jon said that the people who do want to do their job well don't have it easy. He said he will go back to a place that has good customer service. He said it's more and more rare these days though.
Gary said they had a Caldor in his neighborhood and they had awful customer service. He said that no one seemed to know what he wanted. He said they knew this guy Jimmy who would know what he needed. He said that they found Jimmy and he had Down Syndrome. He said he was the only one who knew where this thing was that he was looking for. He said Jimmy was nicer too.
Jon said that Benjy is going to be in Sharknado 2 and they will talk about that. He said that Howard was upset that Fred didn't want to be in his band. Gary said maybe it's not fun for Fred to jam with Howard. He said he can see Fred thinking that he'll get made fun of for things he does in the band. Jon said he'd love to talk to Fred about playing and what he thinks. He said that he may not have the patience to help others. Gary said the best players are not always the best coaches.
Jon said Howard is thinking about being the last guest on Piers Morgan. Gary said he thinks he should do it. He said he thought about how he was the last guest on David Brenner's talk show and he just started taking everything. He said he pulled the boom microphone off and things like that.
Jon said that they could go down a pretty cool road if Howard did it. Gary said it's a lot of balls for Piers to ask him to be back for his last show. He said he's not doing it to gain anything. He said he's done and that's that.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Jillian Barberie. Jon said she had a lot to talk about today. She's doing a radio show now and she is able to talk about a lot of things. Gary said that when she was on the TV show they probably talked for like 10 minutes. Now she has to talk for hours. Jon said she said she's tired from talking so much. Jon said she's working hard and it's only going to get tougher. Jon said she's working her ass off.
Gary said they've been doing the show for 8 years now and he's not sure they could do 4 hours. Jon said it would be a lot harder. Jon said that's the thing about Howard. He said that he does 4 plus hours every morning. He said that's a grind. Gary said the expectations are high and they do a lot of content but people complain. He said no one bats 1000. He said they do try but they can't. Gary said it's hard. He said they can't have Paul McCartney on every day.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Fred doesn't want to be in Howard's band because Fred sees Howard being the controlling factor in the band. He said he can see Howard trying to control it and Fred doesn't want to deal with that.
Gary said he's not sure what the expectations are for Howard. Jon said he thinks Howard wants to do a couple of songs and get to grow and grow with a full band. Jon said no one is going to tell Howard that he's screwing things up if he is. He said there is no competition there. He said Howard wants to get better and have fun doing it. Fred has been there and done that already. Jon said that Howard and Fred talk but don't really talk. He said that might make it hard for them to be in a band together.
Jon said he was trying to play guitar and bass a few years ago and he wasn't that good. He said Steve Brandano came over and jammed with him and it was fun. He said that's what it's all about. Jon asked Steve what it's like when you play with people who aren't on the same level. Steve said it's fun to do what he and Jon did but Howard is looking for something not so loose. He said that they're going to play Old Man and play it right. He said that might be pushing Fred away.
Steve said that you haven't lived until you've heard him and Jon do Breakdown. Jon said that was one song they were able to do.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jillian chick was fine looking. He thought she was a superfan of the show. He had no idea she had a show. He said he didn't hear the whole interview. Jon said he thought she did a good job. They had to go to break a short time later.
- Wrap Up Show - Fred Sits In. 03/05/14. 10:50am
After the break Jon said they had Ronnie, Scott and Fred Norris joking them. Jon said that they have people wondering why he turned down the band thing. Fred said he has some theories of his own. Jon told him the theories that the callers had. Fred said they're all valid theories. He said he will say that he loves Howard and loves the show. He said he loves to play guitar and loves to play with anyone who is on any level. Fred said Howard hasn't called him to ask him how to do anything. He said he has talked about how he was thinking about calling but never did. He said Howard is doing this on his own. He said he's not sure he even wants him to be a part of it. Gary said he did say he wants him to. Fred said he was getting a mixed message about it. He said maybe he misunderstood. He said he would like to be part of the band. He said he loves playing and loves doing the show and loves doing that stuff.
Jon said he did kind of say he had to think about it. Fred said he wanted to give Howard and out just in case he doesn't want him to play. Fred said Howard has given him mixed messages about things like wanting to call him and never calling him.
Gary said that he'd drop him a note and tell him he is serious about doing it. He said if he wants him then he'll have him play. He said if he doesn't return the email then maybe he doesn't want him. He said it's like dating a chick.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Fred thinks that he jumps into things a lot and he may be off on some tother tangent soon. Fred said it's never a waste of time. He said he's not sure how serious Howard is. He said if he wants to just play guitar together he's fine with that. He said he's fine playing gin the band too. He said he's not sure where he wants to go with that band though. Fred said it's not a slam dunk that he's going to be in the band.
Fred said it's not a waste of time to play. He said he thinks it keeps the brain going and staves off the Alzheimer's. Fred said he's picked up a little bit of the violin just by helping his daughter. Jon asked if he thinks Howard is going to just jam or try to play ''Old Man'' just right. Fred said he isn't sure where Howard wants to go with it. He said he does get serious about things like photography. He said it's too soon to tell and only Howard knows that answer.
Jon asked Scott how he would answer that question if he was asked to be in the band. Scott said he'd just wait and probably say yes. He said Fred did give Howard an out though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's a working pianist. He said he has made a living doing it. He said Howard has overstepped the line thinking that this is like chess or being a photographer. He said Fred is super confident but it took him years to get there. He said Howard is over confident and he is taking on too much. He said he's serious and it's insulting. Gary said that's a really douchy thing to say. He said Howard doesn't think he can play at that level. He said he's got total respect for those people. Fred said he agrees with Gary. He said when Howard started playing on the air live he could tell he's been learning and practicing with teachers. He said it may not be that smooth but there is a competence there.
Jon said that you need patience and practice to move on. Fred said they had John Fogerty on the birthday show and he had read an article he did and he said he still practices 4 hours a day on guitar. He said that was impressive to him.
Jon took another call from a guy who said Fred seems like a real musician. He said that when they get together with other musicians they vibe together. He said that it seems like today it wasn't working with him and Howard. Fred said he has respect for Howard. He said he wants to let Howard do what he wants to do. Fred said he has a love for music and he loves playing. He said he wants to pull his hair out at times with his daughter playing violin. He said he just wants her to get to that next level.
Jon asked Ronnie if he has ever played an instrument. Ronnie said he had a snare drum but he got yelled at by the neighbors so he had to stop playing. He said he was a little kid at the time. Jon asked if he could play the Stray Cats stuff. Ronnie said no. Jon said they had to go to break after that.
- Wrap Up Show - More With Fred, Scott, Ronnie And Others. 03/05/14. 11:05am
After the break Jon said that Ralph is there and Howard mentioned that he wanted to join the band. Ralph said Howard was the one who suggested it to him. He said he told him to try out and learn bass or something. Ralph said he may learn the bass. He said that should be easy. He said he can play Runaway on the keyboard too. Fred said he has to learn the songs that Howard wants to play. Jon said it's not that easy. He said he can see Ralph on the triangle or the tambourine.
Gary said he and Fred played with John Entwistle. Fred said he remembers that. He said they were doing an event and he did get some good guys to play. Gary said he played tambourine. Fred said he played guitar and it was one of the most exciting moments of his life. He said that it was like driving a Ford Pinto and then it was like getting behind the wheel of a Ferrari. Fred said you're at a level you've never been at. Gary said it was really wild to be up there playing with him.
Jon said that Scott was defending Radio Shack in the back and he went in the studio and said they're not that good now. Scott said he used to go there and he used to get the catalog and it was like his reading material. Gary said that Radio Shack has things like a coaxial cable coupling. You can't get that anywhere else.
Fred said that Radio Shack remodeled near him and it looked like a cheesy Best Buy. He said trying to get the stuff they used to have isn't that easy. He said that he asked a girl for a part and she said she'd go look but he's sure she just went down and had a cigarette and came back.
Gary said Radio Shack used to have all of the stuff you needed when it came to cables and plugs. He said that the stuff is very expensive now. He said the other bullshit move they have is that they only have the gold plated cables that you don't really need.
Ralph said the 99 cent store near him has that kind of stuff. Fred said that it's not that easy to find in the city though. He said they're not around.
Will came in and said that Scott was in the back talking about how great Radio Shack was but then you put him on the air and he says he wasn't defending them. He said he did that with a bowling thing the other day. Gary said Scott is the worst at doing that. He always back tracks. Will told Scott to defend his opinions instead of going back on them.
Jon asked if Scott was joking about getting tired from walking from one bowling lane to another. Scott said he was tired but he was just joking about why. Ronnie asked him why he comes in there. He said he knows he's going to get his balls broken. Ronnie said he had to have his bowling ball drilled out because his fingers were swollen. Scott said he did but he has to have the inserts replaces now that the swelling has gone down. He said they have a truck in the parking lot where you can get the ball drilled out. Jon asked if he had to bring it out himself. Scott said they had someone bring it out for him. He said it only took 10 minutes.
Shuli said that one of his headlines is about Scott and he's sure that he'll say it's not true. Shuli said Scott was very heated over the Oscar Pistorius trial. Scott said he doesn't remember why. Scott said he wonders why he should give a shit about Oscar Pistorius. Shuli said he thinks that no one should be talking about it. Will said Scott doesn't like that but he thinks bowling should be on TV. Scott said he doesn't give a shit about that or about celebrities giving birth. He said there are more important things to worry about.
Gary said whenever you start a story with Scott it goes nowhere. Jon said that he was at Benjy's microphone so maybe they're stuck in a vortex.
Jon asked Shuli what he had in the news. Shuli ran down a couple of stories they had coming up. Gary said Shuli's wife is pregnant and she needle pointed a thing that must have taken weeks to do. Shuli said that it was a thing that she made to commemorate his wedding. Gary said she has an attachment to him that's very strong. Jon congratulated him on all of that. Shuli ran down more of what they had coming up today on Howard 100 News and later tonight on Howard 101.
Jon let the guys get in their plugs. Fred got in a plug for a gig he's doing on Friday night where he'll be playing some all new songs. The rest of the guys got in their plugs and they ended the show around 11:20am.
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