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  • Is The End Near? (Updated June 13, 2016)
    Please read this to find out what could happen to this year.

-- Friday, March 24, 2017 --

  • Vacation Replay Show - Day 5. 03/24/17. 7:00am
    Show opening bits and songs included: There were no opening bits or songs today.

    Howard is off this week for another vacation week. Here's what they played on today's replay show:

  • Ronnie In Aruber - October 18, 2016. 03/24/17. 7:00am
    First up on today's replay show they played a segment where Howard talked to Ronnie about his trip to Aruber (Aruba). Here's my rundown from that day:

    Eloquent JD. 10/18/16. 7:00am
    Howard started the show talking about how he hates that name ''Wikileaks.'' He said it's not cool. Robin asked if he doesn't want it on a t-shirt. Howard said it's such a wimpy name. He said he doesn't like it. Robin said she doesn't like the whole thing. She said she doesn't like Julian Asange.

    Howard played a clip of JD announcing who is coming on the show today. He said they have Sarah Jessica Parker coming in. He said she was great in Ed Wood. Howard said he is a mush mouth. He said he hasn't improved his speech at all. Robin asked if he's working on it. Howard said he's not.

    Howard asked if they know Eloquent JD. Robin said she's never run into that guy. Howard had a clip of Eloquent JD on the phone. The guys in the back had JD speaking very clearly. Howard asked if he's disgusting like the real JD. Eloquent JD said he loves fresh clean linen on his buttocks. He was talking about how clean his sheets are too. Howard said he's trying to figure out the differences between the two JD. Eloquent JD was over annunciating and Howard loved it. Howard asked if he's into web cam girls. Eloquent JD asked if he thinks he's a monster. Howard asked Eloquent JD if he leaves his apartment. Eloquent JD said he does and it's being part of this world. Eloquent JD asked if Robin has plans this weekend because he'd like to fly her to his chateau in France.

    JD came out of character for a few seconds. He also told Howard he's going to the opera with his girlfriend. He even sang a song from the opera he's going to see. Howard said goodbye to JD but JD refused to hang up first.

    Howard said it took 12 hours to edit out all of his mumbles. Howard said it's such an effort to get him to talk like that.

    Ronnie In Aruber. 10/18/16. 7:05am
    Howard asked Robin if she wants to hear the greatest phony phone call of all time. He said he thinks they'll agree with him on this. He said they took Ronnie's sex tips and called a sex advice show on the internet. He said he thinks it's a home run. Howard said he was laughing like a mentally disabled person.

    Howard played the call and they had Ronnie talking about rubbing his dick on the nipples of her tits and tittie fucking her. The hosts of the show didn't know what to say. They said they were offended. One host said no woman wants to be treated that way. They had Ronnie laughing and telling them to slap his ass and things like that. The hosts of the show hung up on him.

    Howard asked what they think. Robin said Ronnie is the funniest. Howard said it's great. Robin said he's too funny. Howard said Ronnie is out there loving this. Fred did his impression of Ronnie doing his sex tip thing.

    Howard said Ronnie had a whole week in ''Aruber'' (Aruba) as he says. Howard said Ronnie has a Twitter feed where he wasn't even able to spell. He said he told him to just retweet or something so that's what he's doing. He said he started the Hot Chick of the Week and now he's retweeting pictures of naked women. Howard said he's like a dealer in hot chick pictures. Howard said he has naked girls and he'll talk about the girls being hot. Howard said he writes in a very simplistic way.

    Howard said Ronnie started tweeting pictures of his girlfriend in Aruba. Howard said she's in a bikini. Howard said this is the first time she's appeared in a bathing suit on Twitter. He said the whole thing is like a train wreck. Robin said he told her that he loved Aruber so much he didn't want to come back. Howard said he told him he did something down there that he can't remember.

    Ronnie came in and said they did an ATV trip around the island. Howard said Ronnie was on an ATV. Ronnie said they were all over the place. Howard asked if they go really fast over weird terrain. Ronnie said yes. Howard said he knows guys who do that. He asked what the point of that is. Howard said it's like a hot wheels with a motor. Howard asked if he tries to go as fast as he can so he almost falls over. Ronnie said not really. He said you can get hurt. He said you know that. Howard said there are people who can wipe out. Howard asked if he tried to show off to Stephanie. Ronnie said he stayed behind her to make sure she was okay.

    Howard said he sees Ronnie riding ahead to show off. Ronnie said they were heading back at one point and she was driving along on a narrow road and she was drifting off because she was looking at the scenery. He said they were with a group of other people. Ronnie said some of them were riding double.

    Ronnie said they had gone down town and walked around. He said they were looking at the souvenirs and all the bullshit. Howard said he's so angry. Ronnie said that was her idea. Howard asked if she was in a bikini on the ATV. Ronnie said she had one on under her clothes. He said they went swimming out there on the ride. He said when they stop they go swimming. Howard asked if the dudes were staring at her. Ronnie said there were other chicks there. He said they were hot like her. Ronnie said there were a ton of people there.

    Howard asked what Ronnie was wearing. Ronnie said he had boxers on. He said some guys were wearing Speedos. He said that's funny. Howard said he took his kids on vacation once and there was a guy walking around in his Speedo. He said he had this big, bulging cock in it. Howard said his daughter was laughing and he named the guy Penis Colada. Howard said his kids loved that. He said the next day the guy was walking around with his son in the same kind of bathing suit.

    Ronnie said they went out on a cruise and people were drinking. He said he didn't get crazy stupid himself. He said they had a happy hour at the hotel but he didn't do that. He said he drank a little bit but didn't go crazy.

    Howard asked if he got recognized down there. Ronnie said he was recognized a lot actually. He said there were a lot of people from Connecticut there. He said he had one guy following him around and hiding. He said Stephanie spotted the guy. Ronnie said the guy grabbed him before he left and said he lives out near Gary. He said he was nice to the guy.

    Howard asked if he brought his cock rings to Aruber. Ronnie said he forgot them. Howard asked if he was having sex down there. Ronnie said every day they did it. He said every day they were there they did it. Howard asked if he came every time. Ronnie said he did it twice one day. Ronnie said they went on a cruise one afternoon that Jon Hein told him about. He said there were 20 people and they serve drinks and grilled cheese sandwiches. He said they go snorkeling and they come back when the sun is setting. Howard said this is funny. He wished he had a film of this. He said it's just so funny. He said he ends up in boats with guys like this when he goes on vacation. He said that's why he doesn't go.

    Howard asked if they had sex on the boat. Ronnie said they did when they got back to the hotel. Ronnie said they were going to go out to dinner and when they were changing it happened. Howard asked how it goes down. Ronnie said she was getting naked to get in the shower. He said then it happens. Ronnie said they got in the shower together.

    Howard asked if it's cold in the shower. Ronnie said it's not cold. Fred and Howard did their Ronnie impressions and goofed on him about the sex in the shower thing. Howard asked how long it lasted. Ronnie said it was maybe 10 minutes. Howard asked if he rubbed her clit. Ronnie said he did.

    Howard took a call from a guy who called in from Aruba who said that his wife left him after he used some of Ronnie's sex tips on her. Howard thanked him for the call.

    Howard asked Ronnie what they did after the sex. They went to dinner. Ronnie said everyone down there was friendly. He said it's a great place. Howard asked if any dancing went on. Ronnie said they were hanging out on the beach one night. He doesn't like the sand to have sex so he didn't do it there. He said he just hangs out listening to music on his iPod. He said Stephanie loaded up his iPod and he listened to all of the Bon Jovi albums. He said he's really excited about him coming in. Howard said Jon will be coming in.

    Howard said Ronnie was sending out pictures of Stephanie on twitter. Ronnie said he was sneaking them in. He said he did show them to her first though. He said it was really cool down there. He said one restaurant had like 60 craft beers. He said he told Richard about that.

    Howard said he has audio of Richard talking to people on the street about Ronnie tweeting pictures of women. Howard played the clip and people sounded like they were disgusted by his behavior.

    Howard took a call from a guy who said they have to have Ronnie on more often. He said he loves when Howard and Fred do the impression of him. Howard said they do that all day long. Howard said imagine being in Aruber walking around. Ronnie said his next trip is to ''Florider'' before Thanksgiving. He said they're going to a NASCAR race down there. He said she likes going to the races. Ronnie said they're going to Miami. Howard asked if he's worried about Zika. Ronnie said he's not worried about anything.

    The caller asked if they have gotten the show about the strip clubs going yet. Howard said that Howie wasn't able to find one buyer for that show. Howard said that could have been a big money maker. Howard said he had some big fantasies about that show but he didn't think it would fly. Howard said they lost steam with it. Ronnie said they were hoping Spike TV would pick it up.

    Howard took anther call from a guy who asked if they're going to do any more Halloween sex tips. He said he loved them last year. Ronnie said he thinks they'll use the ones from last year. Howard asked if Ronnie is done with that. Ronnie said he has new ones from Aruber. He said Stephanie gave him one that he won't tell him now. He said it's something she tried out. He said he's going to do a sex tip with it. Howard said he wants him to do it now. Ronnie said he has to talk to his cohorts about it. Howard and Fred did their impression of Ronnie and had Ronnie having a jellyfish sting her pussy and things like that.

    Howard took a call from a guy who said he can't think of anything grosser than Ronnie in the shower naked. He said his balls must drag on the floor.

    Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves hearing what year Ronnie was born. He said it makes him laugh. Ronnie was born in 1949. The caller said he's the same age as his dad. He said his dad sits home all day. Ronnie said he could never do that. Howard asked what the best invention is he's seen in his life. Fred answered for him saying ''Pony express.''

    Howard took a call from a guy who said he checked out Ronnie's Twitter and Stephanie looked amazing but Ronnie has to get some Just for Men or something. Ronnie said he gave that up. The caller said it looked like a grandfather with his granddaughter on vacation. Robin said that's true. Howard played a song parody about Ronnie after that.

    Howard took a call from a guy who asked how old the older people were at the resort. Ronnie said he wasn't the oldest one there. He said some of them were older. Howard went to break a short time later.


  • Wolfie Observes JD - June 15, 2016. 03/24/17. 7:35am
    Next on today's replay show they played a segment where Howard talked to Wolfie about observing JD for a day. Here's my rundown from that day:

    Wolfie's Observations About JD. 06/15/16. 8:10am
    After the break Howard came right back and said later in the show they will talk to good looking Howard. He said they will have a conversation with him as if he were born good looking. Robin said this is what he would have been like. Howard said it's Hung Handsome Howard. He said that he's better looking than Beckham. Howard said he will interview him later. Howard said he would talk to him now but he's so happy he doesn't get up until after 9 o'clock. Howard said he'll find out more about good looking hung Howard later.

    Howard asked if Robin wants to hear from Wolfie who observed JD yesterday. Howard said it really seemed to perplex JD that Wolfie was observing him. Howard had Wolfie come in and said that JD thought he was going to stop around Noon but it went on longer. He said JD was beside himself. Howard said he isn't sure why he gets so upset. Wolfie said he was really over it by the end of it.

    Howard said yesterday Wolfie was wearing a cap to look like an observer. Wolfie said he thought it helped him blend into the background. Howard said he had a big net too. Wolfie said that was for protection. He said that he was trying to protect himself from JD if he got angry. JD said he's getting out all of his jokes. Howard said he hasn't made a joke yet. Howard asked if JD took Xanax yesterday. JD came in and said he was stressed out from it. Howard said Gary didn't like being observed either. Howard said Wolfie did that during a live show. Howard said he found that he ate a mushroom omelet that day. Wolfie said that was the highlight of the day.

    Howard read about what Wolfie did back in 2008 with Gary. He said back then he had notes about Gary having running jackets but he doesn't use them for any kind of exercise. Howard said he has some good observations. JD said that would be fine. Howard said JD is a hard worker. He said that Wolfie said Gary wasn't that hard a worker. Wolfie said JD stays very busy. He said he's doing a lot of typing. Howard said JD puts together a lot of clips for the show. Wolfie said he doesn't question his work ethic at all.

    Howard said he heard that a lot of people there don't particularly like Wolfie. Sal is one of the guys. Sal got on Gary's microphone and said that he has an arrogance like he's better than everyone. He said it's really off putting. Howard asked if he's upset that he's working his way into the show. Sal said not at all. He said it's the way he does it. Howard asked if that's because he was upset with him because he wanted him to dress up like an Arab and walk around with him. Howard said people think Sal is wearing that Jesus ring now because he wants people to know he's Christian so they don't think he's Muslim. Sal said that is dumber than Wolfie's bit today. Howard read the email from a guy who sent that in.

    Wolfie said he has an observation about Sal. He said he saw Sal put food in his mouth and then lick 3 fingers. Sal said he was cleaning off his hand. Howard asked if he's ever heard of a sink. Sal said he has wet wipes to clean his hands off with in his office. Sal asked if Wolfie has jizz up his nose because it sounds like his nose is clogged. Wolfie said he thinks he has a deviated septum. Sal said he probably got beat up when he was in school. Sal was going off on Wolfie because of that.

    Howard said they wanted to see Sal's reaction to Wolfie asking him to go out as a Syrian refugee. Howard said he gets upset when he gets mistaken for someone like that.

    Howard said he wants to go through this JD observation stuff. Howard said Wolfie brought them Mick the Nerd and he's done a bunch of other bits for the show. Howard said he doesn't care that Sal doesn't like him. Howard said Sal doesn't look Italian. He said look up a picture of the guy who masterminded the Paris shootings and Sal looks just like him. Sal said he's well aware of that. Howard asked if he was upset about that. Sal said when he saw the picture he did realize he looks like the guy and he was not happy about it. Sal said someone put that picture up and changed their profile name to Sal Governale. Sal said Wolfie wanted to put his life in jeopardy by putting him out on the street as a Syrian refugee. Howard said they just wanted his reaction to that. They weren't going to actually do it.

    Howard said Wolfie also brought attention to Bobo not being a superfan. Howard picked up on Bobo and asked what his question is today. Bobo said he Googled Ronnie and he got search results about him being an actor. Howard said Bobo actually wanted to know when Ronnie was verified on Twitter. Howard said that's what he wanted to know. He said they did a whole radio show with Biz Stone from Twitter about that whole thing. Howard said they did a couple of shows about it. He said Bobo doesn't know that because he's not a superfan. Bobo said he remembers that. Bobo said he found it fascinating that he comes up as an actor when you search for Ronnie. Howard said he's such a liar. Bobo said he forgot about when Ronnie got verified.

    Howard asked Bobo what Richard Simmons rumored name would be if he became a woman. Bobo didn't remember it. Howard asked which rock star's book he just finished reading. Bobo said it was Sammy Hagar. Howard asked how he doesn't know that Ronnie got verified. Bobo said he just forgot. Howard said he has more Bobo stuff from Wolfie but he'll have to get to that another time.

    Howard let Bobo go and got to Wolfie's observations about JD. Howard asked how long it went. Wolfie was there from 7 until about noon. Wolfie said he noticed dust on every surface in JD's office. He said there's a pile of paper in his office covered in dust so he's not using it. JD said it's a lot of show sensitive information that he didn't know what to do with. He said he's going to have it shredded at the end of the week. Howard said he doesn't want mice nesting in there. JD said he knows. He said that he's going to take care of it.

    Howard said it sounds like he's throwing that stuff on the floor. JD said it's not going anywhere. He said they have security cameras in there so they don't have to worry about it being stolen. Howard said luckily no one wants to touch his dirty stuff.

    Howard said Wolfie also sees that JD has jittery legs. He tapped his foot like 90 times in one minute. JD said he was aware of all of that. He said he knew he was observing all of that. JD said he was in the middle of doing it and he was like just forget it.

    Howard said Wolfie also counted a bunch of loud hoots from JD while he was observing him. Howard said he had an audio clip of that. Wolfie said most of it came from a reaction when Sal would do something. He said he appears to love Sal. JD said he does love Sal. Howard played some of JD's laughs that Wolfie recorded.

    Howard said Wolfie detected some black ear hair in JD's ears. Wolfie said he did. Howard asked how old JD is. JD said he's 36. Howard said he doesn't even have any. JD said he's cut some of it off. Howard asked if his girlfriend has ever said anything about it. JD said she hasn't.

    Howard said Wolfie saw some grey hair. Wolfie said it's kind of odd. JD said he knows he has it. He said it's been happening for maybe the past year.

    Howard said Wolfie also noticed JD has small hands like baby hands. Wolfie said he looks like a squirrel when he's typing. Howard said he also likes to rub his hands together in a rhythmic motion. Howard had audio of that too. JD said he is aware of that too. He said it's just something to do. Howard asked when he did that. Wolfie said he does it all the time. He said his hands are always active. Howard said just when he thought he couldn't be more unfuckable he comes up with that. JD thanked Wolfie for that.

    Howard read more notes from Wolfie about JD's office being a mess. JD said there is some mild organization. Howard said Wolfie said he rocked like an old lady in a nursing home. Howard said he saw some of the video of that. JD said Wolfie would get up now and then and he knew he was doing something. He said he tried to block him out of his mind.

    Howard read that JD had bad breath yesterday. Wolfie said it was just in close proximity. Wolfie said that JD rarely stands up. Wolfie said it was like 2 hours into the show before he saw him stand up. He said he should do it more often.

    Howard said Wolfie said that JD was greeted by people and he doesn't respond very warmly. Howard said he knows that. He said he does the same thing to him and he's his boss. Howard said JD is very unfriendly. Robin said they've brought this up before.

    Howard read that Wolfie making eye contact with JD was very uncomfortable. Howard had some tape of Wolfie trying to make eye contact with JD. He played the clip and JD was talking about how he doesn't know what to do or say when people say hi. JD said he does say hi to them.

    Howard asked if JD has allies there and friends. Wolfie said he didn't see him talking to anyone. JD said they didn't want to be involved in his observation.

    Howard said Wolfie says that JD has a lethargic walk. JD said he wasn't very confident yesterday. Howard said that JD yelled at himself for pulling the wrong clip. Howard played audio of that and JD was getting mad at himself for fucking up. JD said it was a tape that Robin played during the news that he pulled for today's show. Howard said he's fired. JD said he gets mad at himself if he fucks up.

    Howard read that JD stares at his computer screen all day. JD said that's what he does. Robin said then he goes home and plays video games the rest of the day.

    Howard read about the meal JD had for lunch yesterday. He had turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes. Howard said that's not the right mix. Wolfie said it was a lot of carbs. JD said he admits he eats a lot of carbs.

    Howard read that Wolfie got a hold of what JD had for lunch the day before and he didn't eat that healthy. Wolfie said he added up the calories for that meal and it was over 2,200. Howard had audio of JD ordering lunch. He ordered broccoli and carrots on the side. Wolfie asked if he was changing it up for him. JD said it was a standard lunch.

    Howard said you can tell that JD was totally annoyed. JD said he just wanted him to get the fuck out of there. Howard said he agrees that JD changed it up for Wolfie. JD said no. Howard said JD eats Cheetos and soda for breakfast every day. JD said that is not true. He said he doesn't eat breakfast. He said he goes down for lunch around 11:15.

    Howard said if Wolfie wants to do it right next time he should get a drone. Wolfie said that JD pushed him once. JD said he was being an asshole.

    Will told Howard that he has seen JD eat Cheetos and soda for breakfast. He said it's happened in the last week or so. JD said it hasn't happened in a long time. Howard said it's time to go up a size with his shirts.

    Howard said JD has to watch it with the carbs. JD said he knows. Howard read that JD got agitated when he tried to buy him lunch. JD said he just wants him out of his life. He said he's trying to be nice on one hand and kick him in the ass with the other.

    Howard said Wolfie says that JD turned away from him when he ate so he couldn't see him chew. Wolfie said JD doesn't like to be touched either. He said he wants to give him a hug. JD said he doesn't want a hug. Wolfie tried to do it and JD said he doesn't like it. He said anyone else there can hug him.

    Gary said that Shuli was monitoring Wolfie yesterday and he has notes about Wolfie. Wolfie said JD doesn't want to be tickled in any way. He said JD said he would fight if someone did. JD said he doesn't like that. Howard said he's with him on that.

    Shuli came in and said he observed that Wolfie doesn't have a good home life. He said he spent 5 hours with JD and wanted to stay longer. He said he must not have a good home life. He said he's gone every other day. Shuli also said at one point JD snapped at Wolfie when he suggested a clip to pull. JD said it was a bunch of people saying ''whoop, whoop.'' Howard said he heard that he snaps at anyone who makes a suggestion. Gary confirmed that. Gary said JD will say ''Fine! Fine!'' if you do that. JD said it's more about not getting it right the first time.

    Shuli said Wolfie drank so much water yesterday. He said he squeezes the bottle every time too so the plastic crinkles. Howard said he hates that. Wolfie said he just likes to drink a lot of water. Howard said there are people who think they have to drink a certain amount of water but you don't. He said you just drink when you're thirsty. Shuli said every 3 minutes you heard that crinkling.

    Shuli said at one point Wolfie pulled out a green folder and stared at it. He asked what was in that folder. He said it was the only thing that took his attention away. Wolfie said it was his agenda of items he wanted to cover.

    Howard asked JD if this was so bad. JD said on a scale of 10 it was an 8 or 9. Howard asked if JD took a Xanax yesterday. JD said he didn't. Shuli said he had to show JD how to open the bottle. He said that it was like watching a baby playing with a toy. He said he thought JD was doing a bit but he handed it to him and told him to open it. JD said Shuli had trouble opening it too at first. Howard had JD open the bottle. He was able to do it.

    Howard thanked everyone for observing and being observed. Howard said he learned some things about JD and how hard he works. Shuli asked who Howard wants Wolfie to observe again. Howard said he would like him to observe JD every week. They went to break a short time later.

    Mr. Skin

  • Norm Macdonald - September 19, 2016. 03/24/17. 8:25am
    Next on today's replay show they played a Norm Macdonald interview segment. Here's my rundown from that day:

    Norm Macdonald Visits. 09/19/16. 8:45am
    After the break they played a phony phone call the guys made to a restaurant using Jon Hein clips, a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' clip, a song parody about JD, a fake Jeopardy clip with Ronnie the Limo Driver as one of the contestants, Aretha Franklin's ''Rolling in the Deep,'' Robin singing ''Cocaine'' and David Lee Roth singing ''Just a Gigolo'' at a Howard Stern rally.

    Howard came back and asked where that David Lee Roth song was from. Fred said he thinks it was from the Cleveland Rally. Howard said he likes David but David is mad at him or some reason. Howard said he's not sure what he said. He said he's in there talking 4 hours a day and he's not sure what he said. Howard said he likes the guy. Robin asked if he has tried to reach out. Howard said no. He said he has no patience to do that. Howard said he loves Van Halen. He said he loves the band and Sammy too. Gary said they have reached out but he's history. Robin said he's personally hurt. Howard said he's sure he's guilty of something. He said people ask him if he knows what he said on the show and he doesn't even remember. Gary said you can't apologize for something you don't know you did. Howard said it could be that he likes Sammy too. Howard said he didn't bring him into Van Halen. Gary said he doesn't think that's it. Howard said he loves Dave. He just wants him to know that.

    Howard said it might be worse to know what he did. Howard said they used to talk privately on the phone. Robin said she thinks back to David talking about how he and his father would bond over Howard. Howard said maybe he should email him and ask if they're still friends.

    Howard said Norm Macdonald is there. He said he wrote a memoir and it's based on a true story. Howard said there's a lot of truth in the book ''Based on a True Story: A Memoir.''

    Howard asked Norm not to shake his hand. He heard he's sick. Norm said a little alert came over his phone. Howard said he loves it when he's on the show. Howard said when he's feeling down he'll go on YouTube and watch his appearances on Conan and shows like that. Howard said he's a very good talk show guest.

    Norm said the thing about talk shows is that he's been doing them for 20 years. He said 20 years ago they'd disappear forever. He said now they live on forever. Howard said that's true. Norm said if you bash someone it'll come back to haunt you too.

    Norm said he used to talk about how great Cosby was. He said he and a friend were talking about Cosby and his friend said the worst part was the hypocrisy. Norm said he thought the raping was the worst part. Then the drugging and the hypocrisy wasn't even near the worst thing.

    Howard said you have to admit that Bill is the funniest rapist in history. Norm said yeah. He said there was another rapist who went across the country. Benjy remembered that guy. Norm said his Vince Chant. He said they found him because he went city to city raping women. He said it was probably the worst gimmick a comedian ever had. Howard asked why he doesn't know about this. Howard said that guy is getting out of jail in 2033. Norm said that John Hinckley is out. Howard asked what he thinks about that. Howard said it makes him crazy when he hears about that. Howard said it must make people think they can do it too.

    Howard gave Norm a plug for his book ''Based on a True Story: A Memoir'' and said he learned some things about him. He said his mother thought he was a well behaved kid in school. He wasn't the class clown. Norm said he couldn't afford the big shoes. Howard said he didn't have the red nose either. Howard said that was a great line so he can go now.

    Howard asked Norm how he became the comedy guy. Norm said he knew the class clown was a hack. Howard said the great story is that he became a comic and he was working in L.A. and doing his carer. Howard said a Johnny Carson scout saw him and loved him. Howard said they called him up and asked if he would do the Tonight Show. Howard said they even booked him on a great night with Steve Martin and Elton John. Norm said that isn't a true story. He said it's based on a true story. Norm said that Johnny had announced his retirement. He said he was able to anoint comedians on the show. He said that doesn't happen anymore. Norm said that he wanted to be the last comedian to be anointed by Carson. He said that he had a scout come to see him. He said he knew he was in the crowd. He said one time he came out and said he didn't like him but he was really drunk. He said one time he saw the guy necking with a girl in the audience. Norm said he was told he was a ''Jay comic.'' Norm said he was a Johnny comic. Norm said that he knew Jay was taking over but he didn't want to be a Jay comic. He said that Johnny would watch at home and see him if he was on Jay. Norm said that was a lie.

    Howard said Johnny wasn't at home watching the show. Norm said he was on a yacht with his wife Alexis. Norm said he went on with Jay and did his set and destroyed. He said that Jay said he did alright. He said Jay was always the greatest comic. He said that he never really gave it up for him personally. He said on air he would. He said off the air he wouldn't.

    Howard asked if that was Jay's thing to do so he wouldn't get too full of himself. Howard asked if he's a gun slinger and does that kind of stuff. Norm said he doesn't give a fuck. Howard asked if he ever got to be on the Carson show. Norm said he met Carson in person but he was never on the show. Howard said Jay saying what he did is a very mean thing. Norm said it was a bit passive aggressive.

    Norm said that he never thought Carson was all that funny. He said he was an old corny guy. He said he liked David Letterman. Howard said he wants to go back to Johnny. Norm said he was on Saturday Night Live and he has heard Howard talk about this. He said Larry King did a bullet point segment in USA Today. Howard said he's doing it on Twitter now. Norm said they did a parody of that on Saturday Night Live. He said they'd make up stuff like Larry would do in that column. Howard said there's no wit in that. Howard asked what that is. Norm said that it was one liners that weren't all that funny. Howard asked if doing Larry King was something he liked doing. Norm said he liked doing impressions. Howard said he didn't think he liked doing them. Norm said he can't act but he likes doing impressions.

    Howard said acting is like doing impressions. Howard said Chevy Chase says that Norm is the only guy who got Weekend Update right. Norm said he loves to hear that. He said Chevy once told him to do 4 specials a year for NBC and they'll give him a million per special. Norm said that wasn't the old NBC so that wasn't going to happen. Howard said Norm was dismissed from Saturday Night Live and he thinks that Don Ohlmeyer didn't like him because he was friends with OJ Sampson and he was making jokes about OJ. Norm said he doesn't think that's the case. He said Don just didn't think he was funny. Norm said he was told by Jim Downey that he had to be careful doing the Weekend Update thing because it can ruin you for people. Norm said he was told he had to say something at the start of the news so he was going to say it was fake news. He said he thought about what a guy with Down Syndrome would say. He said that he would say it's fake news. He said afterward he would read articles about the fake news Jon Stewart was doing and things like that. Howard said that they took the news and did that with something Norm did. Howard said maybe that's what Norm should have done for HBO or something. He said fuck Don Ohlmeyer. Howard said Norm is so good at it and he has a point of view. Robin said Howard should have called him.

    Norm said he went to see Howard the next morning. He said that he was very good to him. Howard said Rolling Stone had a funniest people on Saturday Night Live and Norm was number 147. Howard said he was funnier than that. Norm said he went to a party and they told him about that. He said that they had a British girl on the show for like 3 episodes and he didn't even beat her. Norm said they had a guy named George Coe on early on and he hoped he'd beaten him out but no. He said there were 3 people who never appeared on the show who beat him out.

    Howard asked why Norm thinks that happened. Norm said it's just one guy. He said he wasn't upset by it. Norm said his nephew does things like that. He said he makes lists on the internet. He said it's all about hits. He said he did a list of ''10 Celebrities who went black and never went back.'' He said that was his best one.

    Howard said that it's just some asshole deciding that he's not funny. Howard said that the brilliance of Norm was the News and the Jeopardy sketch. He said he should have been in the top 10 at least. Norm said he does a Quentin Tarantino impression. Howard asked him how he does that. Norm did the impression for him.

    Howard said Norm got on Letterman and he really liked Letterman. Norm said that he really likes Dave, Howard and Saturday Night Live. He said that they're originals. He said they're the few originals in the world. He said he had a guy tell him he doesn't like Howard. He said that he told the guy that he's an original. He said Kinison was an original too. Howard said Norm used to work with Kinison back in the day. Norm said he would come to Canada to work and he was starting out and Sam brought him across the country. Howard asked if he got caught up in the drug thing with Sam. Norm said he didn't. He said that he did watch it going on though. Howard said if they didn't do drugs they could live for 1000 years. Norm said he had that scream thing he did and it was shocking to people. He said they were on an airplane once and Captain Johnson was saying something. Sam yelled out ''Oh no not Crash Johnson!'' Norm said he would walk the rooms in the clubs and he'd ask who was on a date or engaged. He said Sam would go up and do his scream when he'd tell them not to get married. He said Sam was telling people this stuff an inch from their face. He said that's brave.

    Howard asked Norm about Kinison getting paid to clear the room and why they did that. Norm said he started with a guy named Mark Breslin who owns a lot of clubs in Canada. He said if Sam could make everyone walk out he'd give him a bonus. Norm said he saw Kinison do it twice. He said that's not easy to do. He said before people were told he was great they didn't know how great he was.

    Howard said Norm has this book out. He said it's available tomorrow. Howard said it's a big day for him. Howard asked how long it took to write it. Norm said it was supposed to be a year but it took 4. He said he bit off more than he could chew. Norm said he has always tried to do his best. He said when someone asked him to do this book he thought it could be the best ever. He said the bar was pretty low. Norm said when you look at your life you wonder what you do in your life. He said he gets up and does 200 crunches... Howard asked if he really does. Norm said no, he eats Cap'n Crunch. Norm said he doesn't do much more than a cave man.

    Norm said that you can't yell out fire in a theater but he wonders what you do if there's actually a fire.

    Howard said Norm did a show at a hospital for the criminally insane. Norm said he was told he was just going to work in a hospital. He said there was no pay. He said he was just giving back. Howard said he goes to a hospital and then what. Norm said they had barbed wire and guards there. He said he wasn't sure they deserved a show. Norm said he thought they were going to be sick people. He said he wasn't thinking they were in better shape than he was but slaughtered their wives. Norm said the Gatlin brothers were there the week before. He said it was a beautiful room he worked in.

    Norm said he got heckled before he even got on stage. He said he had one guy yell out ''Nice shoes faggot!'' He said he wrote about that in the book but he was told he can't use that word in the book. Howard asked what his shoes looked like. Norm said they were some faggot ass shoes. Howard asked if he won them over at that show. Norm said he'd like to say he did so he did.

    Howard said Norm went on Star Search. Howard said he lost to a Liberian comic. Norm said he's not sure if he was or not. He said that guy won with 4 stars to his 3/4 of one star. Norm said he figured 3 of the judges gave him one star and one gave him zero stars. Norm said the better person wasn't always the winner on that show.

    Howard said Dennis Miller passed Norm's name on to Ed McMahon. He said that he was the one who got him on Star Search. Norm said Dennis wasn't his friend he was just a generous guy. Norm said he believes in loyalty. He said no one is self made. He said everyone has help. He said Howard used to like Bob Grant. Howard said he used to listen to him with his father. Norm said Howard is as close to a self made guy as anyone in show business.

    Howard said Norm met Rodney Dangerfield early on in his career. Howard said he was working at his craft and he learned from Rodney that success and money mean nothing. Howard said Rodney was miserable. Norm said Rodney's parents hated him. He said he didn't know that. Norm said he saw a roast of guys roasting Rodney one time and it was all young guys. He didn't have his contemporaries roasting him because he made it so far into his life. He said he didn't make it early on.

    Norm said Rodney told him he was going into the hospital for a heart thing and a brain thing at the same time. He said if you have an operation like that it's a tough one. He said he asked how long he was going to be in and Rodney said he'd be okay. He said if it goes well he should be out in 5 or 6 days and if it goes badly he'll be out in 20 minutes. Rodney said he told him he takes too many liberties with the audience. Norm said with Rodney he talked funny, he acted funny and he looked funny. He put thought into all of his persona.

    Howard asked Norm if he has put that thought into his act and if he's being himself or a character on stage. Norm said it's the same guy. He said he doesn't have a life outside of that. Howard asked what his interests are. Norm said Howard is into painting and photography and chess. Norm said he likes Backgammon and he was a gambler. Howard asked if he is now. Norm said not like he used to be. He said reading is his best interest now. He said he can read 12 hours a day if he has the time. He reads the classics. Norm said people will tell him to read something that was written last week but he'll wait until he knows it's a good book.

    Howard asked Norm if he works really hard at his job or does it come easy. Norm said it comes pretty easy. Howard asked how he works. Norm said he still does stand up. He said he never stopped. Norm said he loves doing it. He doesn't love traveling though. He said he has a great idea and he'll work his way toward that idea and he just talks. He said he has enough confidence to do that until he gets to the funny part. He said he can't remember his jokes word for word. He said he has ideas that he just works through. They never come out the same way twice.

    Norm said his goal is to talk to the audience and whatever they say he'll have a funny idea. He said he talks to the audience a lot now. He said if you go to a stand up show that's what they'll remember. He said if you don't then you can see that same act on YouTube.

    Norm said he'll just talk to a person and it's such an odd situation for them they'll just say something crazy or odd. He said you just repeat what they say and everyone laughs. Howard said it's not that simple. Norm said it's repetition and you just do it all the time so it comes naturally.

    Howard said he thinks he relates to that because he does that with the radio show. Norm asked if he enjoys it. Howard said not really because he'd rather be home.

    Howard gave Norm a plug for his book. Norm said he was reading about the meaning of mediocre and he was wrong. He said he thought it just meant someone isn't that great. He said it's actually someone who is capable but they don't push for it. Howard said he thinks that's true. He said you have to have the drive to be great.

    Howard said Letterman was very good to Norm. Howard said Norm moved to New York and he was at Catch a Rising Star and Bob Morton saw him. He said they put him on the Letterman show and Dave liked him. Norm said what he found was that if he had been at home he would have found it hilarious but he was the guy and it wasn't. He said if the other guest was Jeffrey Tambour was on he'd introduce him and say the real reason they were there was for Norm Macdonald. He said that made him nervous. He said Louie Anderson told him once that when you go on the Letterman show that everyone is in on the joke. He said they're all in on the joke and you're the joke. Howard said Norm went on and Dave would emphasize the ''Mac'' in his name. Howard said he was the last stand up to perform on Dave's show. Howard asked if they were friendly. Norm said he was invited to have dinner with him and so forth. He said that he'd be invited and he didn't know what he would do when it was his turn to talk.

    Howard said he relates to what Norm is saying. Howard said Steve Martin invites him out and he's not sure how he's going to be interesting to the guy. Norm said he was at the Aspen comedy festival once and he hates those things. He said they're funny people trying to be funny. He said one of the funniest movies is a Quentin Tarantino movie. He said he never cries watching them.

    Norm said he was invited to hang out with Steve Martin, Martin Short and Chevy Chase. He said that was great. Howard said Norm had a situation with Letterman. Howard said with the way Norm is he's not really overly emotional. Howard said on his final Letterman he said some heart felt things and he was moved to tears. Howard said he didn't know he felt that way about Letterman. He said he let down the comedy thing. Howard said that's tough. He said that he opened up who he is for real. Howard said it was moving. Norm said he didn't go out there with that plan. He said he wanted to say something but it wasn't that. He said it was more a stupid thing he had written. He said it sounded fake so he just talked.

    Howard asked if Letterman talked to him after that. Norm said he whispered something in his ear but he didn't talk after the show. Howard asked if it was something special. Norm said it was. He said Bob Dylan was on the show the next night and those three days were very emotional for him. He said as much as Saturday Night Live holds memories for him that Letterman thing holds them too. He said that he felt so close to Dave. He said they talk about father figures and Dave was his father figure. Howard asked if he was close to his dad. Norm said he was but he's dead.

    Howard said Dave said there may be people as funny as Norm but he doesn't know any funnier. Howard said that must have felt good. Norm said that can buckle your knees.

    Norm said when he wrote the book he was asked for some pictures from his Saturday Night Live days and he realized he never took any. He said at the time it wasn't all that special or something. He said he never thought about taking pictures. Norm said that he was told to check his Wikipedia one time and someone had written that he was dead. He said it shakes you. Norm said it shakes you because you understand that it will be those words. He said it's just a matter of changing the tenses in the write up.

    Howard said Adam Sandler told Jim Downey at Saturday Night Live to check out his set on Letterman and that got him an audition for Saturday Night Live. Norm said he had to fly out to do the audition and he asked if they were going to pay for the flight home because he knew he wouldn't make it. Norm said he's not a performer. He said stand up is the worst for someone to practice being a performer. He said back in the old days they had actors on shows. He said that the comedians weren't the actors.

    Howard said Norm talks about his time at Saturday Night Live in his book. Norm asked if Howard ever shop lifted. Howard said he did as a kid and he vowed never to do it again after he stole a tie tack from Macy's. He said he vowed to never do it again and his friends got caught the next time they did it.

    Norm said he had a friend who stole a candy bar so he stole a fountain pen. He said he was about 8 years old. He said he got home after his friend got beaten up and his mom and dad were sitting there. He said his dad asked if he did it and he said no. Norm said he told him he could prove he didn't do it and he'd ask the woman if he did it. He said they went back to the store and asked the lady and she said that she can't remember everything that happens so that's what he was looking for her to say. He said his dad believed him. Norm asked if he ever had his parents not believe him when he was telling the truth. Howard said he did. Howard said he remembers all of that so he's at therapy all the time over that.

    Howard asked Norm about gambling and how he's lost everything. Norm said he's lost it all twice. He said he just goes to a diner to get a cup of coffee and you just drink it and you're clean. He said he knew he could make it back. Howard said he lost his entire net worth. Norm said yes. Howard said he has responsibilities though. Howard said he'd be petrified to do that. Norm said he's not sure he would. Howard said he would. Norm said he's not a psychiatrist but he thinks that maybe he views the money he makes as unearned money. He said that he worked for $3.65 and hour selling stuff and now he gets paid a lot to be Colonel Sanders and that's not earned money. Howard asked about playing Sanders and what happened to that. Norm said he loves KFC and there are some people who know he played him and wonder why he turned it down. Norm said he did it just because it was free money. He said that Darrell Hammond was doing it and he felt bad about doing it after he did it. Howard said that's big money too. Norm said he's never had an offer like that. Howard asked if Darrell had to hand the outfit over to him. Norm said it got a lot of press. He said it was in Ad Week magazine. Norm said they got a little buzz about it and they were going to change every 6 months. Norm said he just wanted them to keep him. Howard asked who is playing him now. Norm said it's George Hamilton. He said he plays extra crispy Colonel Sanders.

    Howard asked if norm is still a gambler. Norm said he got saturated by it and it was like hitting boredom instead of hitting rock bottom. Norm said he likes reading now instead of gambling.

    Howard said Norm says in his book that when he got to Saturday Night Live he was quite infatuated with Sarah Silverman. Norm said he was 30 and she was 21. He said she was a very young girl and very beautiful. Howard said he wasn't able to get a date with her but Dave Attell was. Howard said Dave was a writer on Saturday Night Live. Norm said that Sarah was an upcoming girl and Dave was the guy. He said he was just some punk. Howard asked if he asked her out. Norm said he did say he'd take her out to eat and she'd pay for none of it and he'd take her to bed later. Norm said he forgot that Sarah made the same money as he did on the show. He said minus the 30 percent that they took off for her being a girl.

    Howard said Norm had to figure out which group of people at Saturday Night Live to go in with. He went in with the young guys like Sandler and Farley. Howard said they sent them off to a bonding weekend and Farley came running in naked into his room. Howard said it wasn't Sarah, it was Farley. Norm said he shoved baby tomatoes up his ass with salad dressing on his head. He said he was doing an impression of a salad. Norm said Chris was at this resort with him and tells him he has to tell him something. He said he told him that the character Pat on the show was actually a woman. He said he'd laugh so hard at stuff like that and Chris would keep doing it. He said everyone loved Chris on the show. He said that even the guy who thought the show was awful with Farley on it loved him when he met him. Norm said that he was amazed that he didn't get how funny he was. He said all he heard was laughter around him and he didn't think of himself being worthy.

    Norm said that Chris' father was like 600 pounds and people would talk about him as they'd walk around. Howard said that was his sadness. Howard said Chris' physical humor was so great but he was getting so fat. He said he'd turn beet red when he was doing something. Norm said Chris would fall into tables on the show and he didn't know how he'd fall without putting his hands out. He said if you fall forward you break your fall with your arms. He said Chris didn't have that survival instinct. He said that's also why you know you're in trouble. He said he'd get bigger laughs than anyone. Howard said it did him in.

    Norm said he considered Chris an angel. He said he would try to make anyone he met laugh. He said it turns out he had a second life in Madison Wisconsin where he went to soup kitchens and stuff to service the people of god. Howard asked if he believes in god. Norm said of course he does.

    Howard said in the book he says he would go in every week and pitch the same sketch that would get rejected week after week. Howard asked if that was his way of saying fuck you to them. Norm said he thought it was the funniest sketch he had. He said it was a little long to explain. He said the first time he did it people laughed at how funny it was. He said he pitched it again and again. He said they were laughing that he was pitching the same thing week after week. Howard said you'd think they'd give in at some point. Norm said if he had another year maybe they would have. Norm said Howard looks good. Howard said he doesn't think he does. He said Norm looks good though.

    Howard said Norm says in the book that he stole the Jeopardy bit where he plays Burt Reynolds. Howard said that was one of the most popular things he did. He said that Norm says he took it from Martin Short and SCTV. Norm said he remembers seeing the bit they did called Half Wits. He said that Alex Trebeck was even in the sketch. He said he loved the show and he waited until Martin Short was on the show to pitch the sketch. Norm said when Mr. Short did the show, and later became his friend, he said that Eugene Levy came up with the sketch. He said he asked to call Levy to ask if he could do it. He said Eugene gave him permission to do the sketch. Howard said SCTV was such a great show.

    Norm said he did the Celebrity Jeopardy sketch because he wanted to do Burt Reynolds. He said he wanted to do the Burt from 1972 and they thought he wanted to do it as the current Burt. He said he met Burt which was amazing. Howard said he doesn't think he has a sense of humor. Norm said he is a very masculine guy and he likes to slap you around. He said he learned that the guy who plays banjo in Deliverance doesn't actually play banjo. He said that kid was found in town but he didn't play.

    Norm said Burt told him about doing his own gags in movies and he insisted on doing a stunt himself. He said he did one where he had to go over the falls but the director didn't want him to do that. He said that Burt did it and hit his shoulder and head on rocks. Then his clothes were all ripped off and he wakes up in a hospital. He said the director tells him that he looked like a dummy falling over the falls.

    Howard asked how he met him. Norm said he met him on the set of an Adam Sandler movie. He said he asked Adam to let him go in and meet him. He said Paul Newman was another idol of his. Howard asked if he races cares. Norm said he doesn't even drive a car. He said he walks around a lot. He said he has no desire to drive around. He said it's the most dangerous thing there is. Norm said he doesn't trust himself to learn to drive.

    Howard said he thinks it's a way to keep yourself child like. Howard said you have to rely on others. Norm said he's on to something. Norm said he can get a lot more done without the tiny things that make up life. Robin asked about meetings. Norm said he doesn't have meetings. He said he had a fear of driving. Norm said he used to torture Al Franken telling him the facts about driving and how cars kill more people than sharks. He said Al would get upset and say of course they do because there are more cars.

    Howard asked if it's true that Al got upset and quit because Norm got the Update slot. Norm said Al wanted that slot and he almost had it. He said Lorne wanted a guy and a girl to do it and he was going to turn it down and let Al do it with a lady. Norm said he got lucky because it was the first show of the season and Steve Martin was on. He said he was kind of cold back then. He said that Steve came in and interrupted a meeting with Lorne. He said Lorne was talking about what a woman could bring to the Update thing. He said Steve said he had to do an award show with a woman and it turned to shit so that helped his cause. Norm said that they brought up Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtain and the ''Jane you ignorant slut'' thing and that was it. He said there was nothing else. He said there was only Chevy, Dennis and him who did it right. Robin asked if he didn't like Seth. Norm said he loves Seth. Howard said Norm talked about some things that went on behind the scenes at the 40th anniversary party and Seth said he didn't think he should talk about it. Norm said he said those things should be secret. Norm said he was asked if he would do Seth Meyers show and he said he doesn't think he would have done something like that. He was just joking around.

    Norm asked if Howard has done Jimmy Fallon's show. Howard said not yet. He said he did his show before he got the Tonight Show. Norm said he did almost only Letterman. He said that he was older than him but now Jimmy is so young. He said it's like looking at a little boy. Howard said that's a true observation. He said the guys who are on aren't the older guys. Howard said now he's the older guy watching the younger guy. Norm said Letterman left a crater. He said not only for TV but for popular culture. He said Howard and Letterman are the people who changed the way people talk, think and act. Howard thanked him for saying that. Norm said Howard could quit now because he's not sure if he could do anymore. Howard said he's right. He said he could spend the rest of his life doing things for cats.

    Howard said when he went to NBC he and Letterman were starting around the same time. Howard said they were both in the building at the same time and Dave put him on his national show. Howard said they were really exciting times but also horrible times. Howard said it felt like something big was happening in entertainment. Norm said here are so many outlets and people in the business now.

    Howard said Norm wanted to take over for Craig Ferguson. Norm said he felt at one point they had Carson and Letterman and that was it. He said now there are 5,000 Carsons and no Letterman. He said that the shows at 11:30 and 12:30 are the same shows. He said that he wanted to do a morning show originally. He said now they watch the MSNBC and things like that but he could be giving them the news. Howard said he's right about that.

    Howard said Norm is good on Conan. Norm said he thinks Conan is the funniest guy now. He said the elder statesman is Carson Daly now. Howard said he forgot about his show. Norm said it's a different thing now in late night. He said Letterman was perfect with Howard. Howard said it was great fun being on Dave's show. Howard said he likes the guys in late night. He said he was asked if he wanted to play a game and he's not into that. Norm said it would be funny if he went on and played chess.

    Howard said he loves norm. Norm started to call him John. He said he must be thinking of Carson. He said he's not sure why because he wasn't a huge fan. Howard said his mother didn't like Carson. He did his impression of his mother talking about Carson. He said she never did like the guy but rest in peace Johnny.

    Norm said he was a judge on Last Comic Standing. He said he was a little uncomfortable with it. He said he'd go on the road and some guy would tell him he met him and told him he sucked on that show. Norm said he had no memory of it at all.

    Norm said Carson's lawyer wrote a book about Carson. He asked if that worries Howard. Howard said he didn't think about that. He said he can't wait to read that book. Norm asked if that guy Dominic is still his lawyer. Howard said he was never his lawyer. Howard said of course he has a lawyer. He said he has to think about that Bombastic Bushkin guy. Norm said that guy wrote ''Johnny Carson: The Musical'' that he got a copy of. He said he'll have to send it to Howard.

    Howard asked Norm if he has a lot of promotion coming up. Norm said he does. He asked if he wanted to hear a joke. Howard said of course. Norm told a joke he said he didn't write. Norm said it's about a little boy called Dirty Johnny. Norm said the teacher tells the class to tell a story and then the moral of the story. He says Sheila tells a story and he works at the hatchery and he took some eggs and put them in a basket. Norm said that the eggs broke because the earth was uneven on the way home. Sheila says the moral of the story is don't put all of your eggs in one basket. The teacher thinks it's working out just right. Norm says another classmate has a story about the hatchery. The girl's father had to count his chickens and he had 9 chickens and 5 eggs but he said he had 14 chickens even though the eggs hadn't hatched yet. Norm said they headed off to town and the land was uneven so the eggs broke. The moral of the story was don't count your chickens before they've hatched. Norm said that's exactly what the teacher was looking for. Then Dirty Johnny raises his hand with a story. Norm said the teacher doesn't want to hear Dirty Johnny say anything but she asks to hear the story. Johnny gets up and tells a story about his uncle who didn't work for the hatchery. He was in Viet Nam and he lives on disability checks. He said Johnny says he wasn't a popular man. He said his battalion left uncle Terry behind. They left him 3 bottles of Jack Daniels and some weaponry. He said that he downed the bottle of Jack and smashed it into the jungle. Then he walked and picked up the weapons and off he walked into the unknown. He came upon a village and from the village came people. He wondered if they were Charlie or not. Uncle Terry didn't know. He said he took another swig from the bottle and let loose. He let his gun sway back and forth. The bullets came. Then just as hay would fall for a farmer the people fell. Finally uncle Terry stood alone in the blood and guts. He only had himself. His hand brushed against his pants and he felt wetness. He had urinated himself in fear. Then upon closer inspection he noticed it was ejaculate. The shame was replaced by pride. The teacher wonders what the fuck this was. She asked Johnny what the moral of the story was. Johnny says the moral of the story is he knows one thing, don't fuck with Terry when he's had some drink in him. He said stay away from terry when he's had some drinks.

    Howard asked if his dad told him that. Norm said he did. Howard said he has taught them the joy of laughter. Howard thanked him for that story. Howard said he's done it all today. Howard said it's 10:40 already. Howard said he wishes he could go back in time and see him in the pitch meetings at Saturday Night Live. Howard gave Norm some plugs and said that the book ''Based on a True Story: A Memoir'' is available in stores tomorrow. Norm said it's nominated for a Pulitzer prize and some other award. Howard said it's not even out yet. Norm said that's right. Howard said you can go to for more information on his tour dates. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that. They played Sugar Ray performing ''Fly'' in the Howard Stern Show studio as they went to break.


  • Hit 'Em With The Hein - November 8, 2016. 03/24/17. 10:15am
    Next on today's replay show they played a segment where Howard played some ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' clips. Here's my rundown from that day:

    ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' Clips. 11/08/16. 7:25am
    After the break Howard came right back and let out a belch which Robin gave a ''Whoa.'' Howard said that's right ''Whoa.'' He said he's there to make Robin laugh every morning.

    Howard said ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' is getting bigger and bigger. He said he has some clips to play. He said he has one from an announcer at a Marine Corps Marathon saying ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Howard said that was used at the start of a marathon. Robin said it's becoming an institution.

    Howard said a musical group called The Growlers are on 89.9 in Los Angeles. Howard played that clip and the band started a song with a ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Howard said that announcer sounded like he was from another planet. He was doing that announcer voice talking them up and then the band sounded like normal people. Howard did his impression of the announcer for a short time. Howard said the radio announcers want to sound sexy. Howard said that's what he sounds like when he's masturbating. Howard said singers sound professional when they sing and painters are able to paint a certain way. He said radio guys have the same level of talent but they have to change their voices to do something different.

    Howard played another ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' clip where a guy yelled it out during a World Series post game show. Howard played a song parody about ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' too. He said everyone is doing it.

    Howard took a call from a radio announcer complaining about him making fun of them. It was one of the guys in the back doing a lame DJ voice. He told Howard to go adopt a cat, fuckface.

    Howard played a clip from the WWE Smackdown where The Miz got in a ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' They also got in a Baba Booey in the argument that they were having.

    Howard said Ron Howard is even saying ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' He played a clip of Ron doing a bumper for them talking about Jon Hein creating ''Jump the shark'' for Happy Days so here's a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' for Jon. Howard played another song parody about it too.

    Howard said he asks Jon constantly if he's getting used to it and Jon says no. Howard said Jon really is low key. He said he does a TV show with some guys and he's so mellow. Howard said he talks very even tempered. Howard said you'd think on a sports show you'd need some energy. Howard said he does talk faster on the sports show. Howard said they must have given him some notes.

    Howard said this guy Chris Carlin quit the show Jon is on and the guy cried when he was leaving. He said Jon told him he just sat there when he asked what he did when he started crying. Howard said the show is called Loudmouths and Jon has never been a loud mouth. Howard said you'd think this show was number 1 when this guy Chris left. Howard played a clip of Chris talking about how much he loved the show and the guys he worked with. His voice was cracking. Howard said this isn't the Tonight Show. He said he's making it seem that way. Howard said he was on SNY for 8 years.

    Howard asked Jon Hein if he said anything to the guy. Jon said he just sat there. He said it was the last thing he was saying on the show so he just let him go. He said he thought it was a better thing to just let him emote. Howard said he gets it with Johnny Carson but not with something like this. Howard asked what Bette Midler sang to Johnny. Jon said Chris was there for 9 years. Howard asked if it's one of those shows that has more employees than viewers. Jon said they get pretty good ratings.

    Jon said he thinks Howard will get upset when he retires. Howard said he doesn't think so. Jon said you do get emotional. He said Chris knew JD was going to love that clip. Howard played the audio of Bette Midler singing to Johnny Carson. Howard said he remembers Johnny wiping his eye like he was crying but he wasn't crying. Howard said he thinks Ed was blowing Johnny during this song. Howard asked Jon if he'll cry in his last Wrap Up Show. Jon said he thinks Gary will cry. Howard did his impression of Gary calling him Boff.

    Howard said that guy Chris really lost it. He wondered who he is to judge anyone. Jon said sports fans are passionate about it. He said it got the best of him.

    Howard asked Jon if he really didn't show nay emotion to this guy. Jon said he was empathic. JD said Jon was very straight faced. Howard said he loves JD. Robin said someone said JD made sense in his political rap yesterday.

    Howard asked if Jon voted yet. Jon said no. He said he's going to try to get home before the polls close tonight at 9. Howard said he realized that Sal isn't going to vote. He said he'll go around saying that he will but Jon said he doesn't think Sal will. Jon said they'll never know. Howard said Sal is lazy and doesn't give a shit.

    Sal came in and said he swears that he's going to vote. Howard said he won't. Howard said he was talking to some people about it and his vote doesn't count because he won't vote. Gary asked where he's voting. Sal said wherever he can. He said he swears he has voted. Howard asked where he's going. Sal said he has voted at a school. Howard said Sal doesn't know. Sal said he doesn't know the name of the school. He said he voted for that idiot Obama which was the biggest mistake of his life. Sal said he votes. He asked if Robin is voting. Robin said she is.

    Gary asked if Sal is registered to vote. Sal said he is. He said he went to the post office and he was a registered democrat when Obama was running. Sal said he voted in the last election. Sal said he registered in 2008. He said now he's voting for Trump today at a school. Howard asked if he knows what to do. Sal said he knows. He said he's going in to pull the lever.

    Howard asked who Trump's running mate is. Sal knew it was Pence. Sal said the guy is a little fugazi to him. Robin asked what that is. Sal said it means shady. Howard said Sal got a hair cut. He asked how his plugs are working out. Sal said the back is kind of thinning out. Jon said it's not looking good back there. Sal said he spent a lot of money for that. He said it was a little more than 8 grand. Howard said he's a big show business force so he knows why he has to keep that going.

    Howard said he has a guy on the phone who wants to audition to be Jon's host. He had Memet on the line crying about being on SNY. He said more people watch Benjy's Periscope. Howard thanked him and let him go.

    Howard asked if Jason is still saying ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' every day. Jon said he doesn't have to do it. He said it's at that point. Howard said he did it to Jon one day and felt really bad about it. He said it went horribly. Robin asked if he does the Baba Booey thing to Gary off the air. Howard said he doesn't think he does. Gary said he doesn't think he does. Howard said he has but not anymore. Howard asked Jon if he was upset when he did the ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' thing. Jon said no.

    Howard said he has another ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' from a TV news program. Howard played that and said he has another one from Bloomberg TV host Mark Halprin. Howard played that and Mark threw in a Baba Booey and a ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Howard said it's everywhere. He played one where Chris Jacobs was doing a talk up of a car on a Barrett Jackson auto auction show.

    Howard played another song parody about ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Howard played a clip from the FOX show ''Son of Zorn'' where they got in a ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Howard said Natalie Maines has been using it on stage too. Howard said it's all over the place. He played another ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' song parody too.

    Howard said people always ask how it sounds if you want to say it in Arabic. Howard played a clip of a guy saying it in Arabic. Howard had it in French, German, Hebrew and Spanish too. Howard played another ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' song parody and went to break.


  • Lenny Dykstra Sex Tips - October 17, 2016. 03/24/17. 10:45am
    Next on today's replay show they played a segment where Howard played some Lenny Dykstra sex tips. Here's my rundown from that day:

    Pussy Eating Tips From Lenny Dykstra. 10/17/16. 8:10am
    After the break they played a Jack and Rod Show bit where Sal and Richard talked to an author about her book and had fake Hillary Clinton talking to her until she passed out. Then they had the author impersonate Clinton. They also played a fake Clinton and Trump bit.

    Howard came back and said that's what Trump was thinking during the debate. Howard played more of the audio of fake Trump talking about a woman being a 5.

    Howard said he straightened out the Lenny Dykstra thing. He said he sent them some pussy eating tips. Howard said they observed that Ronnie and Lenny have a certain kind of sexuality. Howard said Lenny sent in some tips for them. Howard said Lenny is the spokesperson for so he plugged that.

    Howard asked Robin to tell him if the tips make sense to her. Howard played one of Lenny's pussy eating tips and Robin asked him to stop it because she's already grossed out. Howard had to start it over again. Lenny said before you can do your art work you have to make sure the canvass is clean. Lenny said you have to just clean that thing with soap first. He said you do your part and he'll do his. Howard said that's more of a tip for the ladies. Howard said he's basically saying ''Wash your pussy.''

    Howard said they have to see if he can get into more. Howard played another pussy eating tip from Lenny Dykstra. Howard said hopefully this is something for the guys. Howard played the clip and Lenny said you want to lick all around the pussy first. He said then you graze the clit. He made some kissing sounds. Howard said that's it, he's grosser than Ronnie. Howard played more of him making that sound. Lenny said then you kiss it more and then pull back. He said then you talk about how beautiful that pussy is. Howard said then they call the cops on you.

    Howard did an impression of Lenny talking about what he'd do to that pussy. He said he's trying to get his sexy voice. Robin asked why guys think that's sexy. Howard said Robin is right out of the room if he starts doing that.

    Howard played another pussy eating sex tip from Lenny. Lenny said that he had his teeth taken out. He said a lot of men can't do that because they're not dedicated to their profession. Lenny said you have to start there. He said the woman ''will come like she's never came.'' Howard did his impression of Lenny and talked about tossing coins in the pussy like a wishing well.

    Howard took a call from a woman who said she just started listening and she's gay. Howard said many who hear Lenny turn gay. The caller said Lenny Dykstra's are so gross she doesn't know what he's talking about. She said she just became gay listening to them. She said she's been with a lot of beautiful women. She said that she thinks that Ronnie is less gross than Lenny.

    Howard took a call from Balls who said he never thought he'd find someone who would out gross Ronnie. Howard played another Lenny pussy eating tip. Lenny was talking about using his tongue and how you can go deeper without your teeth getting in the way. Howard said it might be time for another break. He did a live commercial read and then went to break.

    Today's show was over around 11:00am.

-- Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday - Thursday --

  • The Rest Of This Week Is Archived.
    To keep the loading time of this page a little shorter I've filed the rest of this week's news in the archives. Click Here to view this week's archive.
    • Vacation Replay Show. 03/20/17. 7:00am
    • Orlando Shooting & Memet - June 13, 2016. 03/20/17. 7:00am
    • Steve From Florida, Superfan? - June 1, 2016. 03/20/17. 8:00am
    • Rapaport & Sal The Turtle - October 24, 2016. 03/20/17. 8:40am
    • Jim Breuer - June 7, 2016. 03/20/17. 9:00am
    • Trump Vs. Bernie - June 27, 2016. 03/20/17. 10:00am
    • Vacation Replay Show - Day 2. 03/21/17. 7:00am
    • Richard At Oktoberfest - September 26, 2016. 03/21/17. 7:00am
    • Whoop, Whoop - June 6, 2016. 03/21/17. 7:25am
    • Shuli & Underdog - June 22, 2016. 03/21/17. 8:25am
    • Bon Jovi - October 25, 2016. 03/21/17. 9:00am
    • Porn For The Blind - June 22, 2016. 03/21/17. 10:20am
    • Vacation Replay Show - Day 3. 03/22/17. 7:00am
    • RIP Garry Shandling - March 28, 2016. 03/22/17. 7:00am
    • Jimmy Kimmel & Bill Simmons - May 16, 2016. 03/22/17. 7:55am
    • Benjy's Weight & Age - June 27, 2016. 03/22/17. 8:25am
    • Mariann Is Loyal - May 16, 2016. 03/22/17. 8:55am
    • Mila Kunis - July 19, 2016. 03/22/17. 9:10am
    • Robin's Book Anniversary - April 19, 2016. 03/22/17. 10:30am
    • Vacation Replay Show - Day 4. 03/23/17. 7:00am
    • Brent's Campaign Ad - June 15, 2016. 03/23/17. 7:00am
    • Shuli & Wendy - August 9, 2016. 03/23/17. 7:50am
    • Wolfie At A Nursing Home - March 16, 2016. 03/23/17. 8:20am
    • Ronnie's Revelation - December 6, 2016. 03/23/17. 8:40am
    • Greg Gutfeld & Steve From Florida - November 16, 2016. 03/23/17. 10:05am
    • Jenny McCarthy Vs. Tara Reid - July 18, 2016. 03/23/17. 10:50am

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