- Rob Zombie, Memet's Obsession With David Muir And More. 08/14/18. 7:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: A Phony phone call fake David Lee Roth (Billy Mira) made to Tan Mom, Smash Mouth performing ''Walkin' On The Sun'' on a Howard Stern show at the Playboy Mansion, a medley of ''I'll Suck Your Ween'' song parody covers, an announce about Howard cleaning out his computer today.
Howard started the show talking about how he wishes everyone in the world listened to this show. He said he's insulted that they don't. He said it's upsetting to him because it's a good show. He said the other day he was speaking with someone about something that he won't get into because it's boring but they guy said he found someone who doesn't know who he is. He said the guy asked who that is. Howard said he was really upset about that. He said he didn't like that one bit. He said it was relevant to the story. He said it shouldn't bother him but it did.
Howard said he'll tell Robin off the air why it matters. He said that this was good that the guy didn't know who he is.
Howard said he's not sure what's up with this song. It was ''The Great American Nightmare.'' He said this is more like a movie than a song. He said there's so much going on in the song. He said it's a masterpiece. He said he loves that guy Rob Zombie. He said he hasn't spoken to him in a while. He said it's been years. He said he moved out to California after living in Connecticut. He said he likes his wife too. He said her name is Sheri. He said Rob is a great guy. H said he has pets and he names them Dracula and Frankenstein. He said they're little dogs. He said he looks like a serial killer but they're little pugs. He said that guy is his hero. He said he looks like he eats pets but he's the nicest, sweetest guy.
Howard said when Dracula the dog died Rob was in tears. He said he was surprised that he has emotions. He said the guy loves Dracula. Robin asked if he named them all Dracula. Howard said he named one Godzilla. He said it's sweet. He said he likes that guy. He said he thinks he's good looking too. He said if he were a woman he'd be with Rob Zombie. He said he thinks he has that look he likes. He said he might have to go to that look.
Howard said maybe Rob isn't that good looking but his hair and style makes him good looking. He said Willie Nelson looks good with the long hair and beard. He said that he is thinking of going to that look. He said Letterman you can't tell either. He said he looks really deep.
Howard said Rob is a good guy. He said he can say that because he spent time with him in the studio when they recoded that song together. He said he knows Rob hated his performance because he cut him out of most of it.
Howard said they're going to bring the panel in today to go through the computer. He said he has a bunch of guys coming in including Memet. He said that guy is a weirdo. He said he gets reports on Memet and he hates this news anchor named David Muir. He said Memet takes tons of selfies and this guy David Muir posts selfies all the time. He said Memet is such a weirdo that he complains about the guy doing it. He said this guy is super good looking. He said he has big muscles and he looks like a model. He said they realized Memet is just jealous of this guy. Howard said Memet will present some material from the computer today. He said he'll ask him about this guy. He said maybe he can talk about that now.
Howard asked Memet if he wants to talk about David Muir. Memet came in and had a new haircut. Memet said he went too short. Howard said David Muir is going to get all of the girls in a bar if he's there with Memet. Memet said that guy is a professional news man. Memet said he also doesn't do sexy selfies. Howard said he gets reports on him and it's endless selfies. Memet said he puts out the same amount as the rest of the guys. Howard asked how many a day he's doing. Memet said it's like one a month. Howard said that's not the report he's getting.
Howard said he posted a picture of himself biking on Instagram. Memet said he was out biking. Howard asked if he's one of those guys who bikes without a shirt. Memet said he was out by himself on a 90 degree day. Howard said just put a shirt on.
Memet said that David Muir is posting pictures to show how sexy he is. He said he doesn't do that with his selfies. He said he won't put up a sexy picture of himself. Gary asked if he has ever posted a picture of himself holding a dog because women like it. Memet said he did that as a joke. He said that wasn't him being serious at all. Howard said Memet is jealous of David Muir. He said he just saw pictures of the guy and he's a good looking dude. He said he's 50 times better looking than Memet. Memet said that's fine but that's not the guy you want to hear the news from. Howard said he's obsessed with the guy. Memet said he's not.
Howard said he bets that he'd blow the guy. Memet said the obsession is the guys in the office who are obsessed with his postings. Howard got the picture of Memet shirtless with a dog. Memet said that was the most liked selfie of all time for him. Howard asked the guys to post these. Gary asked how many he takes and discards. Memet said a couple. He said he wants to look decent. He said he's doing it for his fans. Howard let him go after that. Memet told the guys to stay off of his social media. Howard said he was on DoucheBag.com when he saw them.
Howard said Memet is obsessed with that David Muir. He wondered what that guy's story is. He said he's busy making muscles in his pictures. Howard played a song parody about Memet.
- John The Stutterer, Wendy The Slow Adult And Angry Alice Updates. 08/14/18. 7:15am
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what has become of John the Stutterer, Angry Alice and Stuttering John. Howard said he just asked about three people. He wondered which one he asked about. The caller said he meant John the Stutterer. Howard said John quit the show because his blood pressure would go up when he was on. Shuli was in the studio and said he has tapped out of the show. He said he has tried to get in touch with him. He said he was getting laid from the show.
Howard said Wendy the Slow Adult just quit the show yesterday. He said that he has an Angry Alice update too. He said that Wendy just quit. He had a voicemail message where Wendy said that she's quitting because no one cares about her. She said they treat her like shit when she asks for help. She said she ''can't take no more.''
Howard said he loves that she says she's going to go out on her own instead of waiting for them. Wendy said she doesn't care anymore. She said she hates her life and hates everything.
Howard said this is her 200th retirement from the show. Robin said this isn't going to stick. Howard said they called her and asked for her to comment and she said yes she would. Howard said she unfriended the entire staff on Facebook. Shuli said that's the only way to connect with her sometimes. He said it comes down to money as always. Shuli said she's always asking for money. Howard said she isn't picking up her phone right now. They had a ''breaking news'' clip about her quitting the show. Howard said he hopes it's an idle threat.
Howard said that Angry Alice is another one. He said he used to call her crazy Alice but now she's Angry Alice. Howard said Shuli asked her what's going on. He said her phone was making noises in this clip. He played that and Alice was saying she was trying to hang in there. Shuli asked if he caught her at an okay time. Her phone was making noise so she said she had to try something. It was having feedback problems. Howard said even her phone is angry.
Howard said he loves Alice. Shuli said she's one you can't ask how it's going or she'll get into it.
Howard said that she's been feuding with her downstairs neighbor for 4 years. Howard played a clip of Alice talking about this neighbor and what he does to her. She was yelling about that guy and how she's had to deal with him for 4 years. She said she started hitting her floor and he has stopped throwing things around. She said she thinks he's on drugs. She said she's a female Babe Ruth and she'll bust his head open. Howard said most people mellow when they get older but she doesn't do that. He said she has to have floors that look like Swiss Cheese.
Howard said Alice is also feuding with Jeff the Drunk because he called her a bitch once. He played another clip of Shuli talking to her about Jeff. Alice said that she would tear his face off if she was in front of her. Howard said what woman is that angry. He said she has two hands so she could knock Jeff out.
Howard said how about Wack Pack Hunger Games. He said they could put them in the woods. He said they have the new video out so they could let them fight to the death. He asked how many views they would get. Howard said Wendy would get to eat the loser. He said that's how they end it.
Howard said Alice likes Tan Mom and she wonders why anyone would want darker skin. He played a clip of Alice talking about that. Alice asked why anyone would want to mess with their skin color. Howard said she should bleach her skin. Shuli said she's very light skinned. Robin asked if he has asked about that. Shuli said he's just trying to get out unscathed.
Howard asked if Alice has any kids. Shuli said she has one kid who is special needs. He said that she loves that kid. Howard said nothing has been easy in her life. Shuli said she's just filled with rage. He said that when she walks out the door everyone is just fucking with her. He said she goes outside and starts yelling about the Mexicans. He said she hates the black people in her neighborhood too. Howard said she got ripped off by black people in her neighborhood. He said he's been trying to do an embedded with her but she says she doesn't look right yet. He said it's been about 2 years now.
Howard asked how Alice is doing. Shuli said she's doing okay. He said that she's miserable but she's okay.
- Howard's Retirement, Shitty Underpants And Sex Dream. 08/14/18. 7:30am
The caller said that it's going to be a sad day when Howard hangs it up. Howard said he was going to write Jimmy Kimmel and let him know that he's had it but he stopped and wondered why he's bothering that guy.
Howard said he's had it and he's going to move to South Korea and he's going to disappear. He thanked the caller for the call and said he's pretty sure he's done at the end of this contract.
Howard said last night he had a dream about Oprah. He said he had a sex dream for the first time ever the other night. He said this sex dream was something he's never had before. He said never in his life. Robin said that's odd. Howard said he realizes why. He said his mother wouldn't let it go if he had a wet dream. He did his mother's voice and talked about cleaning his sheets and stuff like that.
Howard said he would have brown in his underpants and his mother would complain about the ''grit'' she had to clean out. He said that she'd go to the bathroom and soak his underpants in the sink all day. He said she could have done it downstairs. He said that's why he buried his underpants in the yard. He said that he had to scratch his ass with his finger and that would get shit in his underpants. He said his mom would have to stand there all day washing them in the sink. Then his friends would come over and see them in the sink. He said he would bury his underpants in the back yard. He said he wants to go there and dig them up when he went to his old house with 60 Minutes.
Howard said he thinks he can control his shitting now and he thinks that he was able to control his dreams because of his mother. He said he never had sex dreams before now. He said his mother would have confronted him instead of just letting him be a boy. He said she inspected him constantly. He said she would pull his pants down and take his temperature anally. Howard said his mother thought it was much more accurate to take it anally. He said that she wanted it to be right on. He said he had the thermometer with a big thing of Vaseline on it. He said it was such an invasion. He said he was almost a man when she was doing that.
Howard said his mother would be taking his temperature if he felt hot at all. He said that she'd make him open up his bung hole to check it. He said it might be humiliating to inspect his asshole. He said it was so itchy that they thought he had pinworms. He said he had to shit in a box and she had to bring his shit to the lab. He said he remembers the commotion from that. He said he did have worms and you could see them in his shit. He said they give you medication to get rid of them. He said that helped his underwear situation. He said he was constantly poking his finger in his ass. He said he had a whole ecosystem living in there.
Howard said in Asia they're constantly being dewormed. He said they have worms in the fish and all of that. He said he lives in the United States and he's never visiting any other countries. He said fuck you other countries. He said he'd fight for this country if he wasn't such a pussy. He said he likes our troops.
Howard did more of his mother's voice talking about taking his temperature anally. Robin said they don't do that now. Howard said his mother is in her 90s so she doesn't care about that now. He said she cries all day now. He said he's laughing about that. He said she's alright now. He said he's taking good care of her. He said he loves her. He said she cared enough about him to take his temperature. Robin said everyone loves their mother even the worst of the worst.
Howard said he had this sex dream and it was a buddy's wife. He said that he's not even into her that much. He said that he was fucking her upside down. He said she was basically on her head and he's fucking her downward. Shuli said it's like a jackhammer. Howard said he thinks he would have cum if he hadn't woken up.
Howard said last night he had a dream about Oprah. He said it was fucking weird. He said they were in Vegas together. He said he's not sure where that came from.
Howard said Robin is busy taking classes lately. Robin said she's doing that so she doesn't have to fly around the world. Howard said he's glad she's doing that but she's still flying to California. Howard said he had to talk to his wife about that. He said Robin was trying to get home and she had to transfer planes and stuff. He said this woman has cancer so she better be learning something important. Robin said they had a great conversation. Howard said they did. He said whatever it is she's learning is working. He said she used to be completely nuts but not anymore. He said she's kind of normal now.
Howard said he got to be crazier than Robin somehow. He said he lapped her. He said she used to be so fucked up but no with these classes she's a different person. Robin said her phone started to fuck up and Howard said he's starting to miss all of her enlightenment. Howard said she's Robin the enlightened. Shuli said he'd pay to hear that wisdom.
Howard said he had this sex dream about Oprah too. He said he has tested Robin to see if Gloomy Robin will appear but it never does. He said she is genuinely enlightened. Howard said she almost died with cancer so maybe that's what happened. Howard said she's not even angry. He said she has reason to be with her father fucking with her. Shuli said he loves that Howard stockpiles all of that anger even if the people don't have it. Robin said she's happy she had such horrible parents because she was able to make her own decisions. She said she made it her own.
Howard said Robin is out flying around and he's a big believer in sleep. He said she's not sleeping enough. He said he went to bed at 6 last night. He said he had this dream about Oprah.
Howard said this dream is really odd. He said he has no idea what this means. He said he's in Vegas with his wife and Oprah is there. He said he and Oprah are walking hand in hand. He said Beth is behind them. He said Beth was cool with it but jealous. He said he and Oprah are walking around and they're amongst the casinos. He said they go into a bar and he loses Oprah in a bar. He said then he finds her eating and drinking at the bar. He said he goes over and gets something to eat but Oprah is talking and talking. He said he asked Oprah about the shit he's been saying about her all these years. He said he stops himself and he can tell she doesn't want to talk about it. He said he's hungry and getting pissed that he can't eat. He said he wants to take a nap too. He said his whole schedule is thrown off. He said he and Oprah are yapping away and he likes her. He said he thinks about how she's on 60 Minutes and she has her TV channel and all of those houses. He said he asked how she has the energy for that. She says she doesn't want to talk work with him. He said she just said that they can talk about their lives. He said that was it. He said that was the whole dream. He asked what Robin makes of that.
Robin said he has to think about what Las Vegas means to him. Howard said he doesn't want to do that on the air. Robin said it sounded like this was about Howard and work and how he decides what to do next. Robin said it sounds like he wants to know if she enjoys all of this work and if he can get the wisdom of Oprah. Howard said he must be looking for wisdom. Robin said that it took him away from Beth so it's about the work. Howard said look at Robin. He said she should be a teacher. He said he has to pray to Robin now. He thanked her for showering him with her wisdom.
Howard said he has Sigmund Freud on the phone. He took the call and Freud who told him what his dream meant. Howard said that was horrible and he's going to fire whoever that was.
Howard said he was kind of annoyed by hanging out with Oprah. Gary said that Benjy has a dream interpretation. He said that he did say something about talking about the ''white elephant'' in the room. Howard said that's very interesting. Howard said he feels like a white elephant. He said he has put on a good 10 pounds more than he should be. He said Benjy is a white elephant too. He said it's just ''the elephant in the room'' not the ''white elephant.'' Gary said that this is a possession that the owner can not dispose of. Howard said that he's sure that means something. Robin said it means something in his dream. Howard said he doesn't like dreams.
Howard said he felt bad leaving Beth in the dream. He said he wondered why Beth wasn't with him and Oprah. Howard said he knows Beth would have loved to be with Oprah. He said she loves Oprah. He said she even had Oprah Magazine when it was around. Robin said it's still around. Robin said she thinks she saw some issue out in a store.
Howard said he was fucking his friend's wife in that other dream. He said it was fun in the dream. He said it was like he was a jackhammer. He said there you go. He asked Fred how many live commercials he has today. Fred said he has the usual amount. Howard said maybe they want to read their own commercial. Robin said they always go back to Howard. Howard said he used to go the sponsors and tell them he has no credibility but they still want him to do it.
Howard said he will get the guys in there next. They ended up talking about Howard's fight with the FCC over the guy playing piano with his penis. Howard said that you don't even know that someone is really doing it. He asked what that's going to do if they do it on radio. He said no one is seeing it. He said if Trump made Omarosa a trusted cabinet member he's sure that he could have made him the head of the FCC. He said if he wasn't voting for Hillary then Trump may have put him in there somewhere. He said that he thinks he could have had a high level cabinet position. Robin asked if he would have lasted. Howard said no. He said he wouldn't have taped him without him knowing. He said he would trust him. He said Robin would have been surgeon general.
Howard said Trump once said he would make him the head of the Jews. He said there is no cabinet position for that but he would have made one for him.
Howard said Omarosa is confusing him. He said she sometimes looks hot but then the other day she looked heavy. He said she's tough to figure out. He said she has all of these crazy names. He said she has a black name, an Italian name and a Jewish name. He said he loves that she was busy taping Trump. He said he never would have done that to him. He said he never calls him anymore to get his advice. He said he used to call for advice when he was campaigning.
Howard said it's so weird that trump hired Omarosa and now he's basically calling her a cunt. Howard was talking about her last name and saying it like Italians say Manicotti. Howard said that her first name couldn't be more African. He said even black people don't like her though. He said Trump had no idea about that.
Howard said Omarosa was busy taping that General dude. Robin said they weren't even saying anything though. Howard said her tapes sucked. He said Trump pretended he didn't know she was being fired. He said that was funny. He said he's the President. He said he didn't want to lose a friend. He had the general do it.
Howard said he can't figure out what's doing with Omarosa. He said she could use some classes. Robin said she could use a class or two. Howard said he should take a break. Fred said yes. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
- Staff Panel - Sal's Colonoscopy, Richard Christy And More. 08/14/18. 8:10am
After the break Howard came right back and said he has a big crew in there. He said that they are going to clear out the computer with the guys. He said he has Gary, Richard, Brent, JD, Ronnie, Shuli and Memet in there. He said they're going to go through some material and Gary is going to go first.
Howard asked Gary what he's got. Gary said Sal went to get a colonoscopy. He said Sal took his laxatives and taped himself shitting. Howard said he has heard a little bit of this but he can't listen for long.
Howard played a second of the tape and had to stop. Gary said Sal was late to the appointment. He said he went to sleep and he was farting a lot. Shuli was the one who recorded this so he talked to him about that. Shuli said that Sal claimed he couldn't stop shitting and there was construction near his house. He said the doctor was done and he was told to go in. Howard said this is Sal asleep from the anesthesia. He was farting in his sleep. Howard played the clip and Sal was snoring. Shuli said everything was going fine but he's farting a lot in his sleep. He played a clip of Sal farting. Howard said that was liquid.
Howard said when he went to his colonoscopy he had a tampon under his ass. He said liquid does come out. Howard said that's so gross. He said when you come out of the anesthesia the truth comes out. Gary said Sal had a lot to say about him. He said that he said that he trusts him the least on the staff. Sal trusts Richard the most. Sal was really out of it talking to Shuli as he was coming out of it.
Sal came in and said he doesn't remember any of that. He said he remembers seeing Shuli and the other doctor but not talking about that. He said he's standing by his answers though. Shuli said that this nurse walked in and woke him up in the middle of his sleep. He said he was trying to be quiet in there.
Howard played a clip of Shuli asking if Sal would save Howard or Richard if he had to save just one. Sal said don't get mad but he'd save Richard. Sal blasted out another fart. Sal said he'd save Richard because he thinks Howard would be miserable stuck with him. Howard said that's true. He said he gave Sal a job. Howard asked if he has met Richard's baby yet. Sal said not yet. He said it's 9 months old. Richard said not many have. He said Sal is welcome to come over at any time. Howard said he should invite him over to meet the kid. Howard said Richard has no social graces. He said you don't learn that growing up on the farm.
Shuli said that he's very nervous about bringing the kid anywhere. Richard said there's a hand, foot and mouth thing going around the city. Howard asked what that is. Richard said it's spread around by other kids. Howard said he's not taking any chances. Ronnie said he took his kid to a bar. Richard said they went to a barbecue place that had a bar. The guys told him that's a bar.
Howard asked Richard why he's not afraid of his wife taking the kid out jogging. Richard said he's not touching other kids out there. Howard said he sees some moms out there crying and the moms ignore it. Richard said they take him home or feed him with a bottle if he starts crying.
Howard asked if they have had a babysitter yet. Richard said they haven't and they never will. He said only his wife's mom will watch him. He said they have only put their son in the car when the came home from the hospital. Howard said who knew Richard would bring a kid up like that.
Howard said he learned something very disturbing about Richard. He said that he has a part of his body that's rotting and he has to have surgery. Howard said he doesn't know what part of him it is so they're going to make a game out of it. Howard asked who wants to take a guess. He said that he's rotting away somewhere and he has to have surgery. Howard said he has no idea what it is. He said it could be anything. He said he thinks it might be his foot. Brent said it could be his toe. Shuli said it could be a tooth. Robin said it could be his coccyx.
Howard said Richard is an alcoholic. He said it could have something to do with that. Richard said he has gotten way better with his drinking. Howard asked if he is an alcoholic. Richard said no. He said that he has stopped drinking for only a full week in the past year. Howard said he has tape of Richard calling Will and saying gay stuff to him. He said that he's never done that himself.
Howard played the clip of Richard talking to Will in a voicemail and saying all kinds of things about him being a sexy bitch and stuff like that. Howard said he's flirting with him. Richard said he is a hot guy.
Howard said Richard called Will instead of a woman. He said Richard is gay. Richard said JD is hot but not Will hot. Howard played more of his voicemail where Richard was getting all creepy with Will. Howard asked if Richard can imagine him jerking Will off. He said maybe a boner fight. Richard said that would be funny. He said that makes him laugh. Howard asked if Sal is jealous. Sal said absolutely.
Howard said they took the drunken Richard tapes and called a guy selling a mower. Howard played the phony phone call where they had Richard selling a mower and talking to the guy all drunk. They had Richard pissing all over his shirt and those things he told Will about.
Howard said he loves that guy on the phone. Sal said he was so sweet. Howard played a song parody about Richard's drinking.
Howard said he has to take a break and then get to Richard's rotting body. He went to break after that.
- Staff Panel: Richard's Rotting Body Game. 08/14/18. 8:40am
After the break Howard came right back and said he's on his way to losing weight. He said he'd down a pound today. He said it's such a struggle. He said he's kind of skinny looking but he's not in shape. He said he had a big bowl of vegan meatballs and pasta last night. He said he threw out a quarter of it ahead of time. He said then he was in a panic watching Nicole Wallace on MSNBC. He said he thought he was going to be hungry. He said he ate what he had and he filled up. He said he ate some cucumbers too. He said that he knows he over does it with them. He said his doctor found seeds in his asshole when he had his colonoscopy. He said everything he does just goes wrong.
Gary asked how many he was eating. Howard said he used to eat a full cucumber. He said that he was eating so many that he just over did it. He said he was eating so much fish that he had too much mercury in his system. He said they thought he had cancer. Howard said he had too many cucumbers too so he had too many seeds in his colon. He said he just goes overboard.
Richard asked if he ever sees seeds in his feces. Howard said he doesn't look for them. He said he was eating broccoli too. He said he threw out one of his meatballs too. He said that Robin told him they were carbohydrates so she ruined that for him. He said that's from all of her new wisdom.
Howard said he was down a pound and he looks fat as ever. He said he has a gut. He said he has a Manigault. He said he's trying to eat slowly. He said he wolfs it down usually. Robin said he shouldn't be watching TV while he eats. She said that he's not chewing his food. Howard said if he dies from cucumbers, so be it. He said he doesn't care. Richard said there's a fork that vibrates if you eat too fast. Howard said he will eat one noodle with a cucumber slice. He said he'll eat a quarter of the meatball with a cucumber. Brent said that sounds terrible. Ronnie said it sounds like fun.
Howard said he loves watching anything about Trump while he eats. He said he's addicted to it. He said he loves reading about Mueller and Trump tweeting and freaking out. He said if it's a report from the parade where the Nazis are he'll fast forward through that. He said he likes seeing Rudy fighting for Trump. He said it helps with his digestion. He said Trump tweeted this morning and he wished he was eating. Gary said he called Omarosa a dog. Brent said it's crazy what he's tweeting. Howard said it's weird that he's saying he loves her in the tape but now she's a dog.
Shuli asked if it's worse calling her a dog or ''manly looking'' like Gary did during the commercial break. Howard said that's pretty bad. Howard said Trump called her a ''crazy, lying low life dog.'' He said that guy is out of his mind. Robin said that's like Sacha Baron Cohen's show where they show great presidents and then Trump doing that impression of the handicapped guy. Howard said he loves Sacha Baron Cohen. He said his show is so good.
Howard said they have to get to Richard and what's rotting. Robin said it has to be like a nipple or something. Howard said Richard doesn't shower so this isn't surprising to him. He said that he goes for a run and doesn't shower. He said he's disgusting. Gary asked Richard if he comes home and just puts on fresh clothes. Richard said he does. Howard said he must smell in all of those areas. Richard said he used to get a rash. Richard said sometimes he just forgets. He used to use rash cream but Gary said he could just take a shower.
Howard said Richard likes the smell to build up. Shuli said if he's not taking care of himself then he shouldn't worry about other kids getting his kid sick. Howard asked if he showered today. Richard said he showered yesterday morning.
Howard asked Richard if he's concerned about his rotting body. Richard said he's scared. Howard said he's so disgusting. Robin said she thinks it's a nipple. Howard said Richard had Sal wipe down his sweaty back one day. Richard said he had to walk to work so he was sweaty. Howard said his wife showers like 4 times a day. Brent said he gets that. Richard was wearing a shirt for the second day in a row. Howard said he bets it's more like 5 days.
Howard asked if anyone has a guess. Brent said he thinks it's the gall bladder. Shuli went with a toe. Howard said he's going with a toe. Shuli said he thinks it could be a tooth. Robin said he said it was a doctor. Howard said he hopes it's not a tooth.
Howard said he has an envelope. He opened it up and it's Richard's jaw that's rotting. Richard said he had a root canal 12 years ago and something has been up with it. He said he just went for a checkup and there's a large part of his jaw that had an infection and it rotted. He said that they say he wast' in pain because of the root canal. He said it sounds like a process. He said it scares the shit out of him. He said he has one wisdom tooth they have to take out and then they have to take out the root canal tooth and dig out the rot. Then they have to let it heal for a month or so and then put in a post. He said then they put a cap on that. He said it scares the hell out of him.
Richard said he thinks this was out of his hands. Robin said this is a guy who doesn't brush his teeth every day. Richard said he does now. Robin said he didn't in the past. Howard told Richard not to come near him. Rob in asked if he kisses his baby with that mouth. Richard said he does.
- Staff Panel: More Sal Under Anesthesia Audio And Les Moonves Talk. 08/14/18. 8:55am
Howard said they have to wrap up this thing with Gary. He said that he had the Sal tapes where he was talking to Shuli after his colonoscopy. Gary said that Sal is talking about what he needs to get off in this clip. Shuli asked Sal who has the hottest wife on the staff. Sal was talking about Gary's wife Mary. He told Shuli that he's a married man so he can't talk about that. Shuli said they get there, don't worry. He talked Sal into talking about it. Sal said he'd put her on all fours and stick his tongue up her butthole. He said he'd put her on a glass coffee table and have her take a shit on it. Then he said he was just kidding.
Howard said Sal is such a freak. He said he really is. Sal said he forgot what fucking a woman is like. Gary asked if he has ever done that coffee table thing. Sal said no. He said he'd never want his wife to do that. Howard said that he's such a creepy guy. He said he loves shitting. Sal said he really doesn't.
Howard played more audio of Sal farting. He made a joke about that being everything Gary has ever said. Howard played a song parody about Sal after that.
Howard said Les Moonves must be the most powerful guy in show business. He said that's a guy you don't fuck with. He said Ronan Farrow wrote that article about him and the board of directors didn't even put him on suspension. Ronnie said the whole thing died already. Robin said that shows that CBS and the board of directors aren't friendly toward women. Howard said they were pointing out that he had said that Les was a snake but that was from 10 years ago. He said he was talking about his relationship with Les when he was suing him. He said he cried over that. He said that the article was pointing out that everyone is afraid to say anything about Les. Howard said they have to be fair and say that they don't know that the allegations are true. Robin said that Les admitted that he did things wrong. JD said he saw him go into his building and it was very weird. He said he looked like he had security around him and not a care in the world.
Howard said he's wondering what his wife is thinking about all of this. He made up a conversation Les and Julie could have about that whole thing. He had Les saying that he'd like to think that Julie is going to give up her shows if the board fires him. He had the two of them going back and forth about staying at CBS or not.
Howard said he doesn't know what's going on. He said it's none of his business. Robin said yes it is. Howard said it seems to be his business. Robin said he has a big corporation whose president has been smeared and not cleared and no one is saying that these women are lying. Howard went back into those voices and had Les and Julie talking about their situation. Robin asked how old their kid is. Howard had Les saying he has no idea. Then he said he's 9. Howard had Les saying maybe he should have married Connie Chung.
Robin asked if Les had asked Meredith Vierra to be the host of Big Brother before Julie got it. Howard, as Les, said he did tell her that. He had Julie saying he told her that wasn't true. Howard got out of character and got back to the guys.
- Staff Panel: Sexy Janet Update And Social Media And More. 08/14/18. 9:15am
Howard asked who is next. Gary said they have JD. Howard said they'll get to him after a break. He said JD is getting married soon. He asked what he'll be talking about today. JD said he has these porn stars talking about crazy fan experiences. Howard said all he knows is Richard's jaw just fell on the floor. Ronnie cracked up.
Howard took a call from sexy Janet who said that he was right about letting her know about his listeners. She said that they believe that the story she told yesterday was fake. Howard said this is the girl who said she was fucked by the guy on the cruise. She said that they're so mean to her on Twitter. She said the Instagram people are nicer. Howard said his wife says that too.
Howard asked if they ever put her pictures up yesterday. JD said he doesn't know. Howard asked Janet what they were saying. Janet said they were saying that her boobs weren't D's. She said they are but she's not standing up so they don't look that big.
Shuli asked Ronnie if he believes her story. Ronnie said he doesn't know. Howard said she was on the cruise. Ronnie said he got that. He asked why he didn't just take her to his room. He said that no one would have said anything about it. He said no one would have knocked on the door. Howard asked if that's why he doesn't believe it. Janet said that the crew isn't supposed to be with a passenger so that's why. Howard said he believed her story.
Howard said people on social media are such assholes. Howard said he saw a picture of Baba Booey on social media the other day. He said he was out with Tom Bergeron. He said that Tom wanted to put it online and Gary told him that Howard's fans are really vicious. Howard said Tom gets the most lovely people so he didn't believe it. Gary said people are brutal and he told Tom that. Gary said that they both put it on their own social media. He said Tom hit him up 10 minutes later and said ''Boy, you know your audience.'' Gary said the fans were bashing him and calling him names. Howard said Tom was shook from it. He said social media has been good for Tom but not for Gary. Howard said Gary just learned that you can turn off comments on Instagram so he did that. Gary said he had to.
Howard read some of the comments on Gary's Instagram. They were all about his teeth. Howard went through one after another. They were endless jokes about his teeth.
Howard said Janet ended up getting bashed after telling her story yesterday. He said it wasn't the best story but it was okay. Gary said everyone came to him and said that Ronnie didn't believe the story. Shuli said that she is an attractive woman and she has no need to get laid so why put the pictures online. Howard said hot chicks like to be worshiped. He said she wants to be famous. Janet said she can answer that. Howard said that she wants to be like Kim Kardashian.
Janet said she's not doing any of that. She said she did that because she didn't give out any information the first time she called in. Ronnie said just go get laid and keep it to yourself then. Howard said they finally get a hot chick with a story and Ronnie is ruining it. Ronnie said this story wasn't hot. He said the first one was. Howard said shut up. Ronnie said the story wasn't hot. Gary and Brent said it was. Ronnie said if you can get off of that then you have a problem.
Howard said he was talking to Ronnie about that in the car. He said he asked about giving a hot chick like that a massage and then you hear a knock on the door, do you pull your dick out. Ronnie said no way. He said you just finish.
Howard said he has never had a masseuse do anything for him. Richard said he once had a guy stick his finger near his bung hole. He said it was a guy. Howard asked why he would get one from a man. Richard said they said that's all that was available. Ronnie said he went for a massage last year and they got there and it was supposed to be two girls. He said they were next to each other on the table. He said that they got in the room and they were covered in the towels and shit. He said then he hears the door open and he sees a guy and a chick. He said he wasn't getting a massage from a guy. He said she got it from the guy. Ronnie said he asked what happened to the other girl and they said that was the only one they had there. He said he was watching what the guy was doing over there. He said that ruined the whole fucking deal.
Gary said he got angry at a massage place because they said they don't tell you if they give you a man or a woman because they want to teach people that they can have either. Gary said he doesn't' want to learn going there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they're starting off every show bashing Trump. Howard said he didn't bash Trump. The caller said that they always bash him with innuendo. He said that they're always talking about Obama being great. Howard said he was a good president. The caller said he's not getting into that. He said that he has to stop talking about the blacks because they don't like him. He said that he's over doing it. He said that with this woman shit and the MeToo movement he's dumping everyone. Howard said he didn't dump anyone. The caller said Howard had to stop talking to someone last year. Howard asked what show he's listening to shit for brains. He told the guy to get his shit together.
The caller said if a man gets accused of something he's on the woman's side. Howard said he's on the side of the truth. He said he's on the side of finding out the truth. The caller said he's not though. The caller asked if he hears what he says. Howard said he believes that women should feel free to accuse people who have done something to them. The caller said he used to throw baloney at women's assholes. Howard said that was consensual. He said he's up for all kinds of stuff if it's consensual. The caller asked how you know if it was or not. Howard said you ask. He said if a woman said she wasn't comfortable with him inside of her and she asked him to get off of her then he'd pull out. The caller said he's full of it. The caller said he's over doing it. Howard said the caller is over doing it.
The caller said they get on Ronnie too and they're just jealous of his life. He asked if he listens to his own show. Howard said he odes. The caller said he's becoming delusional. Howard said he has his neighbor on the phone. He took the call from one of the guys in the back who was doing an impression of this guy.
Howard said he also brought up that Transgender thing. He said he says live and let live. The caller said he's not angry about it but Bruce Jenner is never going to be a woman. Howard said who cares, just let it be and don't be so angry.
Howard said he has to get off the phone with these two. The caller told Howard to stop being such a liberal asshole. Howard said this guy is probably against gay people too. The caller said not at all. He said he had an uncle who was gay and with his partner for 42 years. He said he isn't against the gays at all. The caller was also claiming that the Italians were slaves where in America. Howard said that's not true. He let the guy go a short time later. Howard said guaranteed that guy didn't serve in the military. He said he's a chicken hawk.
Howard said he has a black guy on the phone and he says blacks love him. He took the call from Black Bobo who said that guy was out of his mind. He said don't believe that at all. He said he's been a long time listener and they love him.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who screamed about that caller and about Les Moonves too. Howard hung upon her in the middle of her screaming.
Howard asked Brent and Ronnie what they have to play. Ronnie said he has some shit that pisses him off. Richard had some Comic-Con stuff. Memet said he has an important presentation too. He said he has clips to prove that people like Brent and Gary are ruining the country. Memet said that they'll drive Howard insane. Shuli had some High Pitch Erik stuff to play. Howard said he has to end the show on time so he can only get to one person on time. He said he has a meeting today. He said he has a high level executive meeting today. He said he's a very important player.
Ronnie said they saw Andy Cohen in the hall the other day and Howard just kept walking. Howard said he's not there to report on him. He said he's not supposed to reveal that. Ronnie said he just kept walking. Howard said he just wants to get out of there and he doesn't have to tell everyone that. Howard said he likes Andy. He said it makes it sound like he doesn't like the guy. Ronnie said he has stopped to talk to Andy before. Howard said he has stopped to talk to Andy many times. He said that's not something he wanted on the air. He said this is what he gets for being loyal to him. He said that fucking Ronnie. Howard said he had a discussion with JD about Ronnie's driving and even he thinks he's nuts. Howard said JD went to Philly with him and he agrees that he's a maniac on the road.
Shuli said that Ronnie was yelling at some old woman down in Miami because she was going to slow. He said that he was on the steering wheel screaming at her to go. Howard said he's not out of his mind when he says that Ronnie drives like a maniac. Ronnie asked if they have ever hit anyone in the past 32 years. Howard said no. Ronnie said there you go.
Howard said Gary told him that Jon Hein is really aggressive when he drives. He said the guys say that there is a bubbling rage in him and maybe there is. Gary said Jon has rules and he says if you're in the left lane then you have to move if someone comes up behind you. Gary said he gets nervous riding with him. Shuli said he has that rule on the highway but when he gets on the elevator he won't move out of the way. He won't move at a fast food restaurant until his order is given to him either. Gary said that Jon drives very fast too.
Sal said he used to drive with Jon all the time and he used to shit in his pants. He said he used to close his eyes. He said he drove so fast and so close that he had to close his eyes.
Howard asked Jon what's going on with him. Jon came in and said that he's not sure what they're talking about. He said he is an aggressive driver. He said he also wants his order at McDonald's. He said he doesn't box people out. He said he just waits until his order is ready. He said he won't move unless someone says something to him. He said sometimes he pretends he won't hear them.
Jon said he does stand his ground in the elevator. He said that the people in the building know what they have to go through. Howard said you move to the back when people are getting in. Jon said he does move to the side.
Jon said he knows that Sal gets nervous driving with him and he would take advantage of that. Sal said he'll go 80 and text while driving. Jon said he doesn't do that anymore. Gary said Jon drove Sal home for years and he only offered him money for tolls and gas once. Sal said it was more than once. Jon said it was just once. Sal said that the only reason Jon wanted him in the car was so he could be in the HOV lane.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that they have to have a test with Jon and Ronnie. He said Ronnie is too aggressive. Ronnie said he has never been in a car with him. Bobo said that if someone had pulled out when he was racing that car for Kurt Busch he could have hurt someone. Ronnie said that he was on the highway. Brent said he thinks that he's tired of hearing Bobo on the air. Bobo asked who he thinks he is. He said he just rode into town. Howard said he has to take a break anyway. Bobo's phone was getting muffled for some reason.
Richard said last year Jon Hein walked on the sidewalk and shoved people out of the way while they were looking at the eclipse. Howard said he really is full of rage. Jon said there are things that get under his skin. He said that when you're in the left lane it's the passing lane. He said move out of the way. He said he will tailgate or flash his lights. Ronnie said he won't flash his lights but he does the same thing. Brent said don't do that in Florida. Jon said he has had some arguments before. He said that he knows it's stupid but he has pulled up and said some things to people. He said he'll ask someone what the fuck they're doing. Jon said he had to move and things are great now. He moved to the city and he's getting rid of his car.
Howard said he tries to stick to the right lane and drives the speed limit. He said he always says to himself if he goes 80 he'll get there a little early but he has no place to be that's so important. He said he'll just take an extra 15 minutes. Brent said the roads are dangerous.
Howard said he can't wait for self driving cars. He said that you'll have control over the car but there will be less accidents. Ronnie said that people will think they can lay back and not pay attention. He said if something goes wrong it's going to be their fault.
Howard said it'll be great once there are no more rally races on the roads. Howard asked if Ronnie has any idea how many people died in car accidents in 2017. Howard said it's 40,000. Ronnie said he figured millions. Brent said hundreds of people die every day. Howard said Ronnie thought it was 10 million. He asked if Ronnie is ready for the war. Ronnie said he's been fighting the war for years in the city. Howard said he's not even sure what he's talking about.
Howard read more details about the deaths on the roads. That led to Ronnie talking about how he has an escape hammer in his car. He said Bobo actually gave him that shit. Howard said everyone is at war. He said he really has to take a fucking break. Howard went to break a short time later.
- Staff Panel: JD's Bachelor Party Preview. 08/14/18. 10:00am
After the break Howard came right back and said he was going to get to Ronnie but he has to get out of there at 11. He said he'll run out of time.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that the next thing you know Ronnie will be writing a book about him. He said he's revealing private stuff on the air. Howard said he's right. Ronnie said he heard him. Howard said Ralph set him straight. Ralph said that he had created a Golum with Ronnie. Ronnie said he has no idea what that is. Ralph explained it to him and Brent said that's not even right.
Howard let Ralph go and said his boy JD is getting married soon so it's his on air bachelor party tomorrow. Howard said that's going to be fun. Robin said she gets to be part of this one. Howard said Robin is their entertainment. Howard played a song with JD's laughs as the music. He said tomorrow is the big day. He let the song play for a couple of minutes.
Howard said he hopes they have mozzarella sticks at the party. He said they have a lot of fun planned for tomorrow. He said they'll walk down memory lane and have some girls with big asses in there. Howard said they have to have a sexual thing with the party. Gary said he leaned that JD likes asses so big that the cheeks will clap when they move up and down.
Richard said JD likes a girl whose last name is actually Da-ass. JD said he does like a big ass. Howard said he will be evaluating the women's asses when they're in there. JD said he likes big asses and big boobs. Gary said JD likes them ridiculously big. He said it's like a fetish. JD said it's just something he likes.
Shuli said that this one woman he was focused on a few years ago was like a tree stump and he was in love with her. Howard said one of the girls can hold stuff with her ass and clap with it. JD said he's not looking forward to going down memory lane. Howard said his brother is calling in too. JD said he hopes it's interesting. Howard said he's sure it will be. He said they'll play something from the first time on the air and things like that.
Ronnie said he's trying to write a poem. He said he's pretty much there. Shuli asked if he writes on the shitter. Ronnie said he wrote it at the desk. He said he is writing ''like a poem.'' He said the name of it is ''The road to JD's wedding.'' Gary said Ronnie isn't on that road. JD said that's enough. Howard wrapped up with the guys and did a live commercial read.
- Andy Cohen Calls In. 08/14/18. 10:10am
Howard said Andy Cohen is on the phone for real. He took the call and Andy said they should not run into each other in the hall. He said if he has a secret code to avoid him that's fine. Howard said whenever he has to leave he just tells Ronnie to move fast. He said Ronnie saw Andy and he just kept moving. He said there was nothing weird about it. He said he did say hello to Andy. He said it's not a back pedal. He said that he really likes Andy. Andy said that's fine. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said that Ronnie is causing problems. He said that Andy's show is off the whole summer. He said he wants that deal. He said no summers is great. He got back to the commercial he was reading.
- Robin's News. 08/14/18. 10:15am
After the break Howard came right back and said it's time for Robin and the news. They played Robin into it with a song parody.
Robin started her news with a story about the blue light from cell phones possibly causing problems with our eyes. Howard said he got past that worry a while ago. He said then he opens the paper today and sees that story about macular degeneration. He said then they say that there is no evidence that it will lead to it with a cell phone. He said it still doesn't help him. He said he has already curtailed his use of his phone. Robin said she was thinking about it too. She said they say you should turn it off a least a half hour before you sleep. Howard said the Amish have it right. He said they don't have electricity. Robin said they cheat and let other people drive them around. Howard said that's not right. Howard said he loves reading on the Kindle. He said he likes reading the NY Times on there. Robin said she likes a magazine or a newspaper. Howard said he gets bored on the Kindle so he started subscribing to the paper. He said it's so easy to read on there. Robin told Howard what the study found and they say it is a possibility so they have to shield the eye from this light. Howard said this is bumming him out. He said he plays a lot of chess online. He said he sucks just as bad as ever. He said he only likes playing people he can beat. Robin said he won't learn that way. Robin said they say to wear sunglasses while using a phone or computer and don't use them in the dark. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has ever thought about doing an animated series of his life. Howard said he's talked about it enough. He said he had a 13 episode series he was going to do called Howard Stern The High School Years. He said the deal didn't work out. He said he's told the story a million times.
Robin read a story about the average 8-10 year old child spending many hours looking at screens every day. Robin said it's too much time according to an expert. She had some audio of the woman talking about that. Howard said he thinks he has all of the problems she's talking about.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked said he has had 4 surgeries over the past few years and they attribute it to cell phone use. He said he's only 39. He said he's had cataracts. Howard said he's going to stop using his phone, that's it. The caller said that he had a macular pucker and a detached retina too. He said they figured out that it was from the cell phone use. He said that he has to keep using it because he's on it all day long for work. Howard said you have to do all of your calculations on the phone when you run a brewery. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Howard said he should stop being on the computer so much. He said he's doing a lot. Robin said maybe his recreation shouldn't be on a screen. Howard said he may have to stop. Robin said we're all on a screen a good part of the day. Robin said she's constantly tied to phones and iPads. Howard said we're all going blind and no one seems to care.
Robin read a story about a man driving a car into security barriers in London. Robin read the details of that and had some audio for Howard to play. Howard wondered if Ford is somehow happy that they mentioned the driver was in a Ford Fiesta. That led to him doing his Terrorist Hotline operator voice for a few minutes talking about how much they like the Fiesta.
Robin read a story about a guy who shot a guy in Florida who is being charged with manslaughter after initially being let go. Howard said he saw that tape and this guy was yelling at the guy for parking in a handicapped parking space. Howard said the guy ends up shooting the guy who parked in the spot. Robin said he was taken into custody yesterday. Howard said that tape is very, very weird.
Robin read a story about the National Anthem and the proper things to do when it's playing. Howard said he always puts his hand over his heart. Robin said no one is observing it properly if you read this. Howard said he's okay with guys taking a knee. He said they shouldn't even play the thing during sporting events. He said it all started in World War II. Robin said these people are all upset but they don't even know the proper etiquette. Howard said it's also nice when people take a break from binge drinking to listen.
Howard took a call from a guy calling into the terrorist hotline. He spent a short time with that guy.
Robin read a story about a baseball card that was sold for $623,000. Robin said it has Babe Ruth and a bunch of hall of fame member autographs on it. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to comment on that shooting story. He said he is a Florida resident and he has had a conceal permit for about 10 years. The guy was telling Howard what the rules are for the no retreat law is and how they don't charge you immediately. Howard said he was just watching the video and the guy is telling people not to park there. He said he's armed and he's just looking for trouble. The caller said he was fishing for problems but the other guy could have verbally confronted him. Howard said the guy was moving away from him and he shouldn't have shot him. The caller said guys like that make it bad for everyone else. Howard let the guy go after that.
Robin read a story about Omarosa's new book ''Unhinged'' is being released today. Robin said she has stories from inside the White House. Robin had some audio of Omarosa talking about something she wrote about. Robin read some of the comments president Trump said about her this morning. He called her a dog in that tweet. Robin said Omarosa also said that she heard a tape of the President using the N-word and Trump said that Mark Burnett said no tape like that exists. Robin said that he didn't say he never said that but he said there is no tape.
Robin read a story about the President saying that they could be paying no taxes in New York if they had only embraced fracking. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about how sad it is that they're not allowing it.
Robin read a story about Stephen Colbert being on Andy Cohen's show last night talking about Les Moonves. Robin had some audio from the show.
Robin read a story about how they say that Aretha Franklin is near death and people are reacting to that. Robin had some clips of Steven Tyler talking about Aretha. Howard said she was the best. Robin said she's not gone yet. Howard said he's just trying to beat Ronnie to his tweets.
Robin read a story about the FDA weighing banning flavored vape solutions. Howard said he loves the FDA. He said people say they want less government but at least the FDA is there to check over these things. Robin said they feel that the flavored vape liquids are a way of marketing to children. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.