- Old Man Pains And Birthday Wishes. 01/12/22. 7:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: An announcement about JDini returning to the show.
Howard started the show talking about why he's extra miserable today. He said he can't stand the whole JDini persona. He said they have him do this bit on the show and the team comes up with great lines for him but he'll blow it with that dumb voice he does. Robin said he usually drops it mid-bit. Howard said he did tell him it's his birthday today so don't ruin the jokes. He said they have 17 solid jokes. He said don't fuck him with that.
Howard said Beth wants him to do a birthday show but he doesn't want that. He said last night he got up in the middle of the night and said ''Oh fuck!'' He said he didn't remember doing it. He said he tries to wake up in a good mood but he can't do it. He said he put his foot on the floor this morning and he had a muscle cramp. He said he did the Peloton yesterday for a half hour and it must have fucked him up. He said he hurt his thigh doing it. He said Beth also thought this year was going to be a horrible year so that's in his head. He said he tried to get her to take it back. He said they were in a fight on New Year's and she said that because of that. He said she said she was bored that night and that was a low blow. He said she also said that she sees something horrible happening this year.
Howard said he tried to put his foot on the floor and he had this pain in his thigh. He said he's never had it before. He said Beth asked what they were doing for the show today for his birthday and he had nothing. He said he has a message from Beetlejuice and from Bob Saget actually. He said he'll play that Bob Saget clip now. He said everyone was crying over Bob on the show yesterday. He said Ralph caught him by surprise. Howard played the clip of Bob wishing him a happy birthday. He played that quick clip and said he can play the Beetlejuice clip too.
Robin said the best thing was Ben Stiller saying that Bob Saget agreed to officiate the memorial service for their mother. She said he just did everything. Howard said maybe Bob was Jesus revisiting the planet. Robin said Jesus did love hot women so maybe.
Howard said yesterday was one Bob Saget miracle after another. He said he had Jimmy talking about him and then Ralph saying that he helped save his sister. He said there was a lot going on.
Howard played a message from Beetlejuice for his birthday. Beetlejuice said a happy birthday and told him to kiss his ass. He said that he's a smart ass and he should kiss his own ass. He said ''Happy New Year you fuck'' too. Howard said that's a special message since he's not on Cameo or anything. He said that was something.
Howard said he shares his birthday with Rob Zombie and Allie Wentworth too. He said she's not affected by COVID. He said she's out saying she's ready to get together as soon as this is over. He said she's not in hiding like he is. He said every year Rob and Allie write him. He said he got up and sent them a note before the got to it. Robin said that Oreo the cookie is also celebrating today. Howard said he didn't know that. Robin said they have a new cookie flavor. She said it's never been done before. She said it includes sprinkles in the cookie and in the filling. Howard said he hates sprinkles. Howard said it's an amazing accomplishment to have a cookie that lasts 110 years. He said that's something. He said there was that Hydrox cookie that was a rip off of Oreo. He said he assumes they were around first. He said he never ate Hydrox. Gary said they say that Hydrox came first. Howard said he loves stories like that. He said it's like Oprah coming after Phil Donahue. He said this is like Wetsons who came before McDonald's. He said they were a franchise before them. He said they had really good food. He said he used to eat there. Howard said they never figured out how to get out of their own way. He said McDonald's beat the shit out of Wetsons.
Howard said Hydrox is a horrible name for a cookie. He said it sounds like a chemical company. He said Oreo is something. He said that's amazing to be around for 110 years. He said there are so many good cookies out there. He said they have fresh stuff all over the place. He said someone goes into the store and picks that instead. He said that's an amazing story. He asked if they're part of a public company. Jon Hein said they're with Nabisco.
Howard said his old man was into the stock market and he had no money. Howard did his impression of his mother talking about having stuff around the house that wasn't fixed because his dad wouldn't pay for it. He said she'd be complaining about that and saying that his dad didn't think that they needed to fix it. He said he assumed his old man was broke. He said they didn't do jack shit for him but he had to do something to help them fix things in the house. He said he had to be Jesus for the Stern clan. He said if the NY Post found out they were living in squalor then they'd bury him. He said they're the reason his parents aren't living in a shithole. Howard said he'd pay for it. He said his mother told him he didn't have to but he did. He said that his father didn't say a word.
Howard said it cost him something in the six figure range to fix it all. He said his father didn't say a word. He said that was money he could have used too. He said it wasn't easy. He said he put up everything. He said they fixed it all up and his old man walked him around showing him the improvements. He said he didn't say thanks or anything.
Howard said he was waiting for the big thank you but it never came. He said he asked how he liked it and he said it was very nice. He said that's all he got out of him. He said he never thanked him. He said his mother said he won't say it but he likes it. Howard said it's a bummer.
- Ray Stern's Emergency Call. 01/12/22. 7:20am
Howard said he was going nuts yesterday. He said his mother was calling right before he was going to go on with his shrink. He said he was going to call her back in 45 minutes. He said he told the psychiatrist she was going to call every few minutes. He said the psychiatrist told him to tell her to be patient and wait. He said that he told him that does no good. He said he was sitting there and the phone didn't ring. He said 45 minutes went by and no call from his mother. He said she must be learning to be patient.
Howard said after that he hangs up and finds out that his mother called Beth instead. He said Beth told him that she called and she figured it must be important. He said that they assume something bad happened. He said he can't do anything if his dad dies or something. He said he can't revive the old man if that's the case. He said she has to be patient. Robin said he hasn't taught her anything. She won't learn a lesson now. Howard said it's just easier to pick up and interrupt everything he's doing. He said the emergency was that his sister was going to the dentist. He said his mother was worried about that. He said she was in tears talking to Beth about that. He said that she figured something horrible must have happened. He said Beth didn't know what to do. She called his sister and she told him that her appointment isn't until tomorrow and nothing is going on.
Howard said his mom was convinced something bad happened to his sister. He said going to the dentist is like going to the electric chair for his mother. He said that she was so afraid of the dentist growing up. He said he wasn't allowed to have Novocaine as a kid. He said she would refuse to let him have it. He said she didn't believe in it. He said the dentist would tell him to raise his hand if the pain got to be too much. He said that's what he's talking about.
Howard said the dentist would begin the drilling. He said that he'd have to take his time because he didn't have any pain relief. He said his mother was like these kooks today with the vaccine. He said it was no big deal but his mother was against it. He said his father didn't care about it. He said he just went to work and didn't give two fucks. Howard said everyone is living in the lap of luxury now. He said he's taking care of that.
Robin said when her mother was having issues she took over running everything. She said she was going to get thrown out of the hospital and she went to visit her and stopped it. She said that her mother said she was lucky to have had her. She said at least one of them was lucky.
Howard said his mother thinks that if you go to the dentist something horrible will happen. He said his mother had issues with her dentist growing up. He said it's personal so he won't mention that. He said that they never got the proper care as kids so they have a lot of trouble with their bite and such.
Howard said his teeth look like a crossword puzzle. He said some people never go to the dentist and have great teeth. He said his look fine now because he goes to a wonderful dentist who corrected the mistakes. He said what a nightmare. He said he used to go to the dentist every week. He said he had such pain from it.
Howard said this is some birthday he's having today. He said it's just crazy. Robin asked if his parents will call today. Howard said off the air they will. He said his mom will. He said his dad can't hear a thing so he won't be on the phone. Robin asked if his father would send a note. Howard said no way. He said he doesn't have the time to do that. He said he got a note once telling him how shitty he was on radio. He said he was right but it was a little brutal.
Howard said his mother was on fire yesterday. He said his sister is fine and her appointment is today. He said he asked her to please answer her phone when mom calls. He said he wants to be left out of it. He said he talked to his mother about it and she was apologetic about the whole thing. He said that she had the wrong date. He said he told her to just wait for him to call her back instead of trying to call Beth. He said just trust that he'll call her back. He said that Peter and Ellen didn't call back. He said the must both have been busy. He said everyone was trying to solve this problem. He said there was no problem though.
- Howard's Hates And A New Phony Phone Call. 01/12/22. 7:35am
Howard said Beth wished him a happy birthday today. He said she asked what he's going to have for dinner. He said he wants spaghetti. He said he shouldn't. He said he was doing 4 mile walks every day but he didn't do it yesterday. He said he's gaining weight because of that. He said he doesn't like walking on a treadmill. He said he can only walk outside.
Howard said he did the Peloton thing but they have a bunch of needy mother fuckers on there. He said he's doing the class that's recorded and if someone is in the class at the same time someone can ask you for a high five. He said can you imagine that. He said imagine you're in a class and you ask for that. He said he'd want to punch them in the face. He said don't interrupt him. Robin said it's inappropriate to do that. Howard said this hand came up on the screen and someone asked for a high five. He said he wasn't going to do that. He said you need a fuck off button on there. He said you can't stop it from happening. He said you're so needy to ask for it. He said that's how fucked up people are. He said in order to set that up you have to slow down. He said now he's not paying attention to the instructor. He said he was just going to get rid of it by pressing the hand thing. He said he was poking the screen and it's just annoying.
Robin said Howard has confused having boundaries with being a scumbag. Howard said he's not doing the thing he needs. He said he should be doing the things that are good for him. He said he acts like that's going to kill someone if he doesn't do the high five. He said he's not sure what he's high fiving someone for. He said you out of shape mother fucker. He said you're so childish you need a high five from a stranger. He said he's never high fived someone in his life. He said it's so wimpy.
Howard said every year on his birthday they put together a list of things he hates. He said he had to stop listening because it was so long. He went right into that clip and let the hate play. He hated everything and the clip went on and on.
Howard said he really does hate high five. He said you never see him high five. He said he will do it but he won't ask for it. He said he's not that needy. He said he hopes that high five has died with COVID. Robin said that people don't know what to do when they greet you. She said they will hold out their hand or take it back and then elbow or fist. She said they don't know what to do.
Howard said they called a radio show with a joyologist and used his hate list. He said this is not an edited clip. He said they have all of his hates in the computer and they made it sound like a conversation. He played the call where the had Howard talking about everything he hates and the Joyologist was trying to help out. They just had Howard talking about everything that he hates. Eventually the joyologist got him to be happy for a short time. They had Howard all happy until a clown came around and he said he hates clowns. Then he said he hates fireworks and things like that. He was cursing so the show hung up on him.
Howard said he likes the song they played at the end. He said that was ''Walking on Sunshine.'' Gary said that was Katrina and the Waves. Howard said what an awful song. He said the sure sucked the joy out of the joyologist.
- High Pitch Erik, Oprah & Gayle And More. 01/12/22. 7:45am
Howard took a call from High Pitch Erik who wished him a happy birthday and new year. He said he has a bone to pick with Gary too. Howard said get in line. Erik said he knows he wants him involved with he show more often. He said he mailed Gary a birthday video for him. He said that he didn't get it to him. Gary said it was some weird file and they weren't able to open it. He said no one was able to open it. He said they just left it alone. Howard said he gets that. He said that's not Gary's fault. He said they tried but Erik sent a file that wasn't able to be opened. Erik said he used Dropbox or something. Howard thanked him anyway. He said maybe give him the message life. Erik said he snag happy birthday to him. He said he said have a happy Howard birthday. Howard thanked him for that. Howard said they spent hours trying to open that.
Erik said he's having pasta tonight just like Howard is. He said he changes it up every night so he's not eating it all the time. He said he's starting his new diet this year. Howard said so did Oprah. He said she said she's throwing out everything that's bad in the house and starting all over. He said she was saying that Gayle King had made a cake for the holidays. He said she was throwing that out. He said it was a giant cake and it looked like a brick. He said it was 3 feet long and 3 feet deep. He said Gayle has some tuchas too. He said they're not following the Weight Watchers credo. He said come on already with the WW thing. He said he must be the only one who knows what's going on there.
Howard said he once told Gayle that he wanted to steal her away from Oprah. He said she said that Oprah would probably love him. He said he never did find out. He said he's not sure why she'd give Oprah a giant cake like that. He said it's like bringing alcohol to a sober person.
Howard said he gave Sam Kinison a case of champagne once and he opened it all in one night. He said you have to see this Oprah Instagram stuff. Robin said she didn't know about this Oprah Daily thing that she does. She said the have this journal and now she gets email from them every day. she said she just realized it recently. She said they have an Oprah shop and they sell products there. She said you can subscribe every month to hear from Oprah too. Howard said she has her hands on everything. He said there's no end to the money over there. He said he can't milk his audience by charging them for everything. He said it's nice enough that they pay for the Sirius subscription. He said his agent tells him he doesn't want to be one of those guys.
Howard said Oprah doesn't seem to be embarrassed. He said she will take money for anything. He said maybe his agent is working with Oprah. He said he always agrees with him about what not to do. He said they're always milking the audience and he won't do that. He said he has enough money. He said it would be nice to have Oprah money. He asked when she's going to start farting in a jar and selling it to people.
Howard asked how great it would have been if he had become friends with Gayle and she left Oprah for him. Howard said he really was going to make that move. He said he thinks Gayle was hungry for love so he was going to try to get her. He said he was going to tell her it was him she was looking for. Howard made up what that conversation might be like. He was sweet talking Gayle trying to convince her to be with him. He said he has to tell Beth he has to go fuck Gayle and see how Oprah reacts to it. Erik tried to get in on the bit by being Gayle but Howard told him to stop and hung up.
Howard read about the Oprah insider club that Robin had mentioned. He read about the stuff you get in the club and the bonuses that are involved. He said that his agent is right about this kind of stuff.
Howard said they paid Oprah to have a show there and it was like her doing 2 shows a year where she talked to Gayle. He said they paid her $50 million to do that. Howard made up some stuff that you can get in this club. He said it's just awesome.
Howard said that Oprah can't be spending any time on that thing. He said she must have a team. He said he might have to subscribe to see what it's all about. He said he bets it's useless. He said he has something called Recomendo and they have stuff that you can check out. He said Jimmy turned him on to that.
- Saturday Soundtracks Birthday Show Special. 01/12/22. 8:05am
Howard said he was thinking about past birthday shows since Beth asked what they were doing. He said Saturday Soundtracks is going to have a special birthday show highlight show. He said that they have been doing the birthday shows since the 80s. He said they used to make a big deal out of it. He said he remembers a lot of amazing performances. He said he can play some highlights. He had Leslie West and Phoebe Snow performing a song together on one birthday show.
Howard said that was beautiful. He said Phoebe was a lovely woman. He said she had that song Poetry Man that was great. He said she had a bit of a weight issue. He said the had a video for that and the showed her from the nose up. He said that was when everyone was trying to be a sex pot. He said Phoebe was a lovely woman. He said she was very well grounded. He said her daughter was very handicapped and Phoebe loved her daughter so much. He said it wrecked her when she died. He said the daughter lived much longer than they thought she would. Robin said that affected her career trajectory. She said she spent a lot of time with her and nurtured her. Howard said Phoebe did a song with Paul Simon. Gary said that was God at Last.
Howard said this is Bon Jovi and others who did ''With a Little Help from My Friends'' and it was something. He said Bon Jovi returned to the show after their feud with him. He said it was a real surprise when Robin introduced the band. Robin said it was a long walk up there and Howard had this look of fear on his face up there. Howard said it was an amazing moment. He said the backing band was led by Max Weinberg. He said he was the drummer for the E Street Band. He said that band ended up being on Conan O'Brien's show. He said this was from 30 years ago. Gary said what was so amazing about it was that Bon Jovi came in to just fix things and not to perform. He said the went to break and Jon went to the band and they set up a song during the break. Howard said he remembers that. Howard played some of that performance.
Howard said that was a great moment. He said Jon is a close friend. He said he was at his house before the lock down. He said Jon and his wife are a great couple. He said he's really glad he inducted the band at the hall of fame. He said it was a hassle but Jon is such a good guy. He said the go in and feed the homeless at a shelter. He said that they're amazing. Robin said that's why he has a rest area on the Garden State Parkway. Howard said he had one but it was taken away. He said he forced his way into it. He said that the rest area was really bad and it was an area for guys to blow each other. He said the shut it down. Robin said that was a good reason to shut it down. Howard said Jon an Dorothea are good people. He said they're really good people and saintly. He said he'd do that stuff but he's very busy. He said he doesn't want to cramp their style either. He said just to sacrifice your time is a big deal. He said he's busy with selfish concerns himself. Robin said it's like that joy coach said, go be a joy to someone. Howard said okay.
Howard said Bon Jovi sold like 100 million albums or something. He said Jon might be right up there with Bob Saget being a good person. Robin said they're just finding out about this stuff after Bob is gone.
Howard said another highlight is David Bowie performing at a show but not being interviewed by him. Robin said she had to talk to him and his people. She said that she had to assure him that things were going to be alright. Howard said people are afraid of him. Howard said this was when he was working with Trent Reznor and he amped up his sound .HE said he really liked this song. He said it was ''I'm Afraid of Americans'' and ''Fame.'' He said with his new style it was weird. He said the Wack Pack were there and he was performing for them. He played some of the ''I'm Afraid of Americans'' performance.
Howard said the big birthday show was 8 years ago. He said he's done with the birthday shows now. He said in 2014 they had Train as the house band and Adam Levine did ''Purple Rain.'' He said this was something else. He played some of that performance. He said that's Adam playing guitar.
Howard said that was a great moment on the show. He said he gets nostalgic when he thinks about his career. He said he goes back to thinking about WRNW and spinning records all alone. He said he thought that was going to be the highlight of his career. He said now he's had guys like this performing at his birthday shows. He said there were so many great performances. He said the show has turned into this huge thing and he never would have imagined it would have gone that far. He said he gets very nostalgic thinking about that. Howard said that's very impressive. He was talking about Adam's performance.
Howard said Adam told him that Prince heard his version of the song and said that he told him that he's learning. Robin said Prince was very tough. Howard said Steven Tyler is someone he worships. He said Slash too. He said that they got together at the birthday show and he thinks that Dave Grohl was playing drums. He played some of that performance of ''Dream On'' too. He said it was a really great show. He said he should have retired after that show. Robin said it would have been a good one to go out on.
Howard said that was all live too. He said no machines or anything. He said that's just a preview of the special that's on this weekend on Howard 101. He said that's on the app too.
Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
- Calls, Videos And Randy The Furry. 01/12/22. 8:30am
After the break they played a ''Drug Stories with Sal Governale'' bit and Hole's ''Violet.''
Howard came back and said that Courtney Love was so good. He said he's not sure what happened there. Robin said there are a lot of theories. Howard said people said she took songs from Kurt Cobain but Billy Corgan says that's not the case. He said some people think this song as written about Bill Corgan. He said she performed this song live once and said that she had hexed the guy it was about and now he's losing his hair. He said music in the 90s was so great.
Howard said he likes Courtney Love. He said she didn't need any pushing to talk. He said she'd say anything and get sued by 7 people. He said just mention she's on the show and lawyers would line up. He said god bless her wherever she is. He said that Courtney said that she wondered which super model Kurt would have left her for if he had lived. Howard said she's so good. He said her album was good too. He said he doesn't care who wrote it or not.
Howard took a call from a guy who wished him a happy birthday. He said he wanted to call in and ask if they have figured out an easier way to get Beth down there. Howard said he was thinking about a bell like George Takei has. Howard said he can just text her. He said that she was really hung up on them not doing a birthday show. He said she joked about coming down in lingerie. He said he asked her to come down and sing to him. He said she said no to that too.
Howard said he knows it takes a while for Beth to get down there. He said he it might take 20 minutes. He said she has to fix her hair and stuff before coming down. He said it's fine. He said he as thinking about of a Beth Signal like the Bat Signal.
Howard said he should do something but he kind of has an intercom system. He said she won't pick it up anyway. He said he's not even sure how to use it. He said he could cut a hole in the ceiling and she could slide down. He said imagine if he did that.
Howard said he doesn't have a special show today but the do have JDini coming on today. He said JD will ruin it with that dopey voice he does. He said he can wait a while and get more nervous about that. Howard said he's going to have to get into it. He said last time it was really bad and not funny. He said JD doesn't come up with the lines though. He said they have really funny lines but he'll fuck them up. He said that's part of the charm though. He said he didn't let him pre-read his lines. He said he told him no. He said he told JD a lot of people worked hard on these lines. He said they have 17 joke lines. He said now JD is complaining about the cap he's wearing. He said that he'll have spoons floating around his head with special effects. He said they have some production value in this bit.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how often he watches his birthday bash. Howard said he doesn't really watch the whole thing. He said he'll just see some of the clips they've put out. He said the one he watches over and over again is the Adam Levine one where he does Purple Rain. He said he was watching Jon Bon Jovi watching that one where he did Wanted Dead Or Alive. He said he watches Steven Tyler and Slash too. The caller said the Sarah Silverman and Natalie Maines song is great too. Howard said it is. The caller said that they have some great references to the show in that. He said the Dave Grohl thing was cool too.
Howard said Pat Monahan sang some of ''Wanted Dead or Alive'' with Jon too. He said that was great. The caller said that they had some great moments in that show. He said this shows his dad what he was able to do.
Howard said he worked as dishwasher and the guy there told him that he was the best dishwasher he ever had. Howard said he doesn't want to get into his dad right now. He hung up on the caller.
Howard said the Purple Rain video has 69 million views on YouTube. He talked about the Gangnam Style video and how he still watches that. He said it might be the best video ever made. He said it's that and that one where Emily Ratajkowski is naked. He said he's watched that a lot. Robin said she's never seen it. Howard said he loves Neil Young and some of the videos he's put out but you have to watch some things like that Gangnam Style. He said you knew it was that guy's one moment. He said you knew he wasn't going to have another hit.
Howard said he was going to contact Psy and Emily Ratajkowski and have them in a video together. He said that way he'd have these two big forces together. He said he'd have both of them naked.
Howard said there are three naked women in that ''Blurred Lines'' video. He said the only one you look at is Emily. He said these people who say she's ugly are just trolls. He said that Psy video has 4 billion views. He said he's not sure there are that many people on the planet. He said he's not sure how many views Blurred Lines has. Jon said that's up around 4 billion too. Howard said he's sure that the most views are on the naked version of that song video.
Robin said she just read a story about the last woman who was the wife of Hugh Hefner and how she just announced that she's living a very modest life now. She said that she's had every fake thing taken out of her body and she's going for a natural look. She said that all of the guys have left and she has a total female entourage. Howard said we all evolve.
Howard said the Robin Thick video has 4.4 billion views and the Psy video has 4.3 billion. Howard said he's not sure what that .3 means. Robin said that means it's 300 million. Howard said that's a lot. Robin said the .1 between them is only 100 million. Howard said she's good at math.
Howard took a call from a guy, Randy, who wished him a happy birthday. Howard thanked him. Randy said that he spoke to him last April. Howard said he's not sure who he is. Randy said he's Randy the Furry. He said it's been a while and a lot has been going on. He said he lost his mom 2 months ago and he went to a furry convention and he forgot about his worries there. Howard said he doesn't know what a furry is. Randy said he's a person who dresses up as an animal. Howard asked if he was interested in that. Randy said he was. Howard said he's trying to remember why he was into that. Howard said he was into chloroforming people. Randy said they're not into that anymore. He said he's had too much death in his life so they don't do that. He said that he was into death play and he would make people pass out. Wolfie was on the line and told them more about Randy and what he was up to. He said he's a Brony and a Wolfie and he date only trans women. Howard asked if he'll date a trans woman if she still has her cock. Randy said he will. He said you love the person no matter what they have. Howard asked when he last banged a woman with a cock. Randy said that was on New Year's with his girlfriend. Howard asked if his girlfriend still has her penis. Randy said she does. He said she's on hormones now and trying to get rid of it.
Howard asked Randy about his girlfriend getting a boner when he turns her on. Randy said that she doesn't get one like he and Howard would. He said that it's more of a mental thing now. He said some days she doesn't want her penis touched and other days she does. Howard asked if she shaves her balls. Randy said they're all shaved. Howard said he can't wait to tell his wife about his birthday show today.
Wolfie said that they're in an open relationship so that's kind of dangerous with the pandemic going on. Randy said that there's a lot going on there. He tried explaining but Howard cut him off and asked if there's anything he's not into. Randy said when he was younger he didn't get to explore stuff that much. He said that he knows that he's not into the pee and poo stuff. Howard asked if any of the trans girls he's with have a vagina. Randy said not yet. He said his girlfriend has breasts though. He said they're between a B and a C. He said they're awesome to grab on to when you bang her. Howard said that's really nice.
Wolfie asked Randy about being with a trans woman who is married and he got to watch them together. Randy was starting to explain that but Howard interrupted with more questions. Randy said that he is banging a straight gay guy too. He said that's just a play thing. Howard asked what a straight gay guy is. Randy said that he's just openly gay. He said he's going to become bisexual because his partner is transitioning. Howard said this is hard to keep up with.
Howard asked Randy what he did with the girlfriend when they had sex. Randy said he does it in the ass cheeks and comes on her back.
Howard took a call from Mildred (Chris Wilding) who said she'd let him chloroform her and then lick her cunt. Randy said he has an age limit. He said he's not into that. He said his age limit is 38 or 39. Wolfie said he has to be more open minded.
Howard said he has to move on to JDini. He was going to let Randy go but he said that he would want to know that the Brony conventions are taking COVID very seriously. He said you have to be tested before and after the convention. He said he's getting tired of people who think it's a joke. Howard said maybe call off all Brony conventions during the pandemic. Randy said the hotels have to do it or they have to pay the groups that want to have the conventions.
Howard took a call from Randy's (fake) girlfriend who was just a guy with a New York accent. Howard let that go on for a minute. Randy said they're funny. Howard let the girlfriend go and took a call from a guy who told Randy he's a fucking freak. He went off on the guy and told him he's a fucking weirdo. Howard said not everyone is as evolved as he is. He said that people get fired up because they're jealous of Randy. He said that there's not anyone he won't fuck. Robin said it's crazy to get so upset. Randy said that they give back to the community. He said they gave over $10,000 per convention to animal charity. He said they give across the country and around the world. He said they give to a lot of organizations. Howard said he gets it, he's a do gooder. He let him go after that.
- The Great JDini Returns For Howard's Birthday. 01/12/22. 9:10am
Howard said he has to talk to JD before the JDini bit. He said the have a lot of work that went into this. He said a lot of people worked hard on it. Howard said JD is wearing that outfit for the bit. He asked if he's ready to do it. JD said he's not confident but he thinks he'll do alright. Howard said he hopes they'll be funny. JD said he hopes so too. Howard said when he appears again he will be in character. He said he'll be wearing a large turban and have his head floating. He said it will be detached from his body and spoons will be floating around his head. He said you'll see this all on the app.
Howard went into the bit and talked up JDini and had him tell them what will happen. JDini can tell them the future. JD was already laughing. He said it's great to be back on the show. Howard said he's able to tell them the secrets of the universe other than how he landed his wife. JDini said he predicts the next pandemic will come from whatever bacteria is floating around in the hot tub at the Bachelor mansion. Howard said that joke didn't go over very well. He said it was funny before he read it. He told JDini to slow it down.
JDini said Pete Davidson will fuck every hot woman on the planet and then have to move on to 8s. Howard asked how soon he can get Randy the Furry back on the line.
Howard asked JDini what other predictions he has. JDini said he predicts that in 2022 Mickey Dolenz will announce he's going on tour as The Monkee. Howard said that was a good line too but JDini screwed it up. Howard said he's the destroyer of great comedy.
Howard asked JDini what else he has to predict. JDini said he predicts anti-vaxxers will get the COVID shot as soon as it's re-marketed as Tucker Carlson's Freedom Jizz.
Howard asked what else he has. JDini said that he predicts that Antonio Brown will be given a punishment as a 5 year member of the NY Jets.
Howard said the writing staff is on the phone and wants to interrupt. He kept making jokes about JDini ruining the bit. Howard took the call and the guy said all he has to do is read. Howard said they're good jokes. The writer said they spent all night writing the jokes. Howard said he won't get fired.
Howard had JDini tell some more predictions. JDini said he predicts that Mike Pence will finally come out of the closet. He said he's not gay but he's been hiding in there since the lunatics showed up at the Capitol.
Howard made some more jokes about JDini ruining the jokes and took a call from fake Jennifer Witz who told JDini to pack his shit and get off her airwaves.
Howard asked JDini for more predictions. JDini said he predicts Taylor Swift will suffer a traumatic head injury and she'll be forced to change her name to Taylor Slow. Robin said that was funny. Howard said it was but JD laughed through it so he ruined it.
JDini said that he predicts that NASA will find out that UFOs are billionaires from other galaxies. Howard said that's a good joke. Robin didn't think so. She said it was taking too much explanation.
Howard asked JDini for another prediction. JDini said he predicts that Vanilla ice will sell his entire catalog to Sony for a hand full of Cheese Doodles. Howard said that's funny. He had to explain the joke again though.
Howard asked JDini for another prediction. JDini said that he predicts that Howard Stern's favorite new show is ''My 1000 Pound Transgender Step Mom Life'' or something like that.
JDini had another prediction which was a complete collapse of the global birth rate when Nick Cannon gets a vasectomy. Robin chuckled at that one. Howard said he predicts that they'll never do this again.
Howard asked JDini for another one. JDini said he has a few more. He said he predicts that the Equalizer will face her most dangerous foes yet, hypertension and diabetes. Howard had to read that one since JD was laughing again.
Howard asked JDini for another one. He had to answer a knock at the door first. It was fake Dan Rather who was saying there's a mass suicide in the writer's room there. He said they're begging him to read at least one without messing it up. He said it's a mess in the writer's room.
Howard said maybe they should have JD read it in his own voice. Dan said that could work. Howard had JD read one as himself. He said the next COVID variant will be called the Andy Cohen Variant.
Howard asked for another prediction but then said he's cutting down the last few. He said do the Ronnie one. JDini said he predicts that Ronnie will finally admit that he made a mistake moving to Vegas when a dildo melts in his ass. He screwed that one up when he said ''deldo.''
Howard said he thinks he's just going to end it now. He looked over the jokes and said that there was one good one about Jeff Bezos getting all unvaccinated people off the planet by luring them into a space ship shaped like Donald Trump's asshole. He thanked JDini for ruining the jokes they worked on for days. JDini said he apologizes. Howard said that's okay. He said thank you for that and Fred played the ''Thank you, thank you, thank you'' drop.
Howard said how exciting that was. He said that was fun to be part of the small pox of comedy. He said good job to JD. JD said thanks. Robin said he had a great line and wasn't able to get out the word dildo. Howard said that was a good one. He looked over the list again and read the joke.
Howard said that was good stuff. He said that he doesn't think it's the funniest thing ever written but it was a chuckle. He said that was a jokes Jamestown. He said maybe next year they can do Rondini. He said that might work out better. He said Jim Meyer is on the phone. He took the call from Fake Jim who was very upset over that bit.
- Calls And Fan Feedback. 01/12/22. 9:35am
Howard took a call from Bobo who said happy birthday to him. He said he's totally convinced that Mike Pearlman is not lying about the Ronnie thing. He said he swore on his daughter. Bobo said he'd never do that. Howard said he's pretty sure he did swear on his family and they found out he was lying. He said that he's pretty sure that happened. Bobo denied it. He said that he would never do such a thing. Bobo said there was a time that he took away his name and he was going to miss out on meeting up with his son.
Howard said they did talk to Mike Pearlman yesterday. He said the fans wrote in about that. He had some feedback from fans who said they believe Ronnie and some who said they believe Mike. Howard read through a bunch of that stuff. Howard said some people want to get Ed Torian to come in and do a lie detector test on Mike.
Howard said someone said there's some sexual tension there with Mike and Ronnie. Howard said someone pointed out that when Ronnie was hypnotized he said that Mike Pearlman is the guy who he'd fuck if he was a woman. Howard said he went back and pulled that clip. He played it and Ronnie was really worked up over Mike.
Bobo said he was reading about a guy who was given a pig heart in the NY Times. Howard said that's fantastic. Robin said the pig was raised to be close to human. She said this guy wasn't able to get on the list for a heart transplant so he wanted the experiment done on him. Robin said that the did it at the University of Maryland where she went to school. Robin said this is totally experimental but the guy is doing okay right now. Howard asked how long it's been going on. Robin said it's been days. Howard said Robin thought he had a face transplant from a pig when she met him. He said they had a good laugh that day.
Howard said he just hung up on Bobo and wishes he hadn't. He said he knew there was something about him swearing on his child's life. He said they said that he once swore on his son's life that he fucked a vacuum cleaner. He said that he assured them that he never swore on his son's life but he did. He said it doesn't matter if it was about a lie or not, he swore on his son's life.
Robin said they'll have to see how this guy did with the heart transplant. Howard said it just happened on Friday.
Howard got Bobo back on the line and said he did swear on his son's life once. He said that he swore that he had fucked a vacuum cleaner. Bobo said that was back when he was young. He said it was the central vacuum. Howard said he's bragging about that. He said he sniffs when he brags and he just sniffed. He did an impression of Bobo doing that.
Howard said he just wanted it to be on the record that he did swear on his kid's life. Bobo said he doesn't remember that. He said he wouldn't lie and swear. Howard had a clip from that day and played it for Bobo. In the clip Howard had Bobo swear on his son's life that he fucked the vacuum cleaner. Bobo swore on his son's life. Bobo said he had a moment of weakness. Howard let him go after that.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she thinks this was a great birthday show and Mike Pearlman is lying. She said that he'll go to his grave with that lie. Howard let her go after she asked if he saw the Mets Christmas card. Howard had no idea what she was talking about.
Howard said on March 9th Bobo also swore on his son's life about not buying bots for his social media. Howard said they already found 2 instances that he swore on his children's lives. He said unbelievable.
- Ralph And Chris Wilding. 01/12/22. 9:55am
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that Bobo is the worst liar. He said he can't keep it straight no matter what. Howard said Ralph cried on the show yesterday and people wrote in about that. He played a clip of Ralph crying yesterday when he called in about Bob Saget.
Howard said the fans were touched by that. He said that Ralph is saying that he didn't cry and it was his phone connection that made it worse. Ralph said he does cry all the time. He said he was more choked up than anything. Howard asked if he's ashamed that he cried. Ralph said no. He said he cries all the time at TV and movies.
Howard read some of the feedback about that call. He had some people who touched by that. Howard replayed the Bob Saget birthday message for him too. Ralph pretended to cry over that. He said that Chris was laughing at him yesterday over that but Chris was crying over that guy who fucked him in the ass in Panama. He said he was crying on the air. Howard said what he finds funny is that they told him this relationship wasn't going to last and it didn't. He said Chris was on the air talking about how in love he was and next thing you know it's over.
Howard asked if Ralph has talked to Chris about this guy. Ralph said he did think that he was being too open with the guy. He said that he's a catch and he was running around like this guy was a god. He said he wasn't a 10 or anything. He said he should calm down with the abs talk. He said every minute he was about the guy's abs. He said Chris has a weird ab fetish. He said he was turned on by the Batman costume. He laughed at Chris over that.
Howard said he relates to Chris because he was attracted to women in belly shirts. He said they had a flat stomach and he'd get excited about that. He said they had nothing else. Ralph said he would get so excited over that. He said Howard knew this woman was a pain in the ass but she wore a belly shirt. He said she was so annoying but she had a belly shirt. Howard said she wasn't annoying. He said he's talking about stuff before he was even famous. Robin said she remembers Howard talking to a Snapple girl at the Channel 9 show and they had such an inane conversation going on. Howard said it was just a thing with him. He said he's never had a flat belly but he admires it in other people.
Howard said we can get crazy over things. Chris said he admits he was infatuated with the guy. He said he did cry over the guy a lot. He said he got a growth on his eye from crying so much. He said he had to go to a doctor over that. He said his tear duct clogged up.
Howard asked what broke them up. Chris said it was the ex who was coming back into town and they were going to be hosting parties together. Ralph said Chris knew all of this. He said the red flags were up. Chris said he had the guy in his life since 2018 and they weren't serious until just recently. He said now they've blocked each other and it's very upsetting.
Howard asked what Ralph makes of the fact that Chris is not a bottom but he gave his ass to this guy. Ralph said that's pretty major. He said he was pounding him hard from what he hears. Chris said they were putting holes in walls from it. Howard asked how his ass is after that. Chris said the guy had a penis that didn't cause permanent damage. He said that it wasn't small but it was a good size for that.
Howard asked Ralph if he thinks that Chris should have been more withholding of his ass. Ralph said he's not sure about that. He said it was the general stuff with this guy. He said the last straw was when the guy asked him to bring a dildo to Panama. He said he was out at that point.
Howard said that some women save themselves for their wedding night. He said that maybe Chris should have done that. Ralph asked if he ever fucked the guy or was it the other way around. Chris said he would have but he never asked for it. He said he just never did it. He said the boyfriend said he wanted it but then he may not have wanted it. He said he was afraid that he could fuck things up if he did it the wrong way.
Ralph said that it's too bad but the guy would have shown his true colors at some point. Howard said he has been advised by Ralph on a few occasions. He said he has some good advice. He said that he told him to get away from a woman once and he was right. He said he was a help with a couple of relationships.
Chris said he thinks that Ralph did give an honest opinion about things. Howard said it's saying a lot that he had to go to Panama to get abs. Ralph asked if Chris is a bottom or not. Chris said he's going to say that he's a top. He said he's not looking for a penis bigger than six inches if he's going to take it back there. He said it should look like a pinkie if it's going in there.
Howard said he once saw Ralph's cock. He said that he showed it to him. He said he wasn't showing Ralph his. He said as of January 12th Chris will not bottom. Ralph said Chris will under some circumstances.
Howard said what a perfect birthday show this was. He wrapped up and said he's going to go up and open his gifts. He said Robin gets great gifts. He said she's very thoughtful. Howard said there you go. Robin said it's another year. She said she got Howard a journal from Oprah. Howard said he doesn't need any help from her. Howard ended the show around 10:10am.