- Lenny Dykstra, Phone Calls And AVN Award Clips. 06/28/16. 7:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: A phony phone call to a Chinese restaurant using clips of Robin Quivers speaking Klingon, Frank Sinatra Jr. singing ''Stink Finger'' for the TV show ''Son of the Beach,'' a Da Ali G Show interview with James Lipton, Weezer performing ''Hash Pipe'' in the Howard Stern Show studio.
Howard started the show playing a clip of their announcer Mad Dog Russo telling them who is coming up on the show today. They have Lenny Dykstra coming in. Howard thanked Mad Dog and said Lenny's new book has been on the front page of the paper for the past few days. Howard said he was into baseball for a while and he was watching when Lenny was playing. He said he was a Mets fan. Howard said he used to watch the games and Lenny was one of his favorites. Howard said he was such a hard player. He said when they traded him it was sad. He said he thinks they were sick of his shenanigans. Howard said they know everything about all of the players today with social media. He said back then they didn't know much but he has an unbelievable story.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who said he went to high school with Lenny. He said he wanted to ask him if he got more pussy in New York or Philly. Howard said he will ask him on his behalf. Robin asked who he went to school with. Howard told her Lenny Dykstra. Robin asked if that's what he really said. Howard said that's it. Howard said Lenny chose baseball because he was able to make more money playing that. Howard said Speech Impediment Man has his radio on and he's on the air. Speech Impediment Man started to plug something and Howard hung up on him.
Howard said there's a story that Lenny tells in his book about being in rehab and he'd disappear for a month. He said instead of going to rehab he'd go out and fuck a ton of girls. Robin said that's a form of rehab.
Howard said with Speech Impediment Man he was in the same school with Lenny and he got hit in the mouth with a bat by Lenny so that's why he sounds like that.
Howard said they have the first interview with Lenny today. Howard said he has quite a colorful past. Howard said he stopped watching baseball when he transitioned into a woman and started watching the Bachelorette. Howard said he got to watch Game of Thrones yesterday. He asked Robin who the kid was the week before who got shot by the arrow. Robin said that was one of the Starks.
Howard said there's a woman on Saturday Night Live, Leslie Jones, who watched Game of Thrones with Seth Meyers and she was very funny telling that kid to zig zag so he wouldn't get hit by the arrows.
Howard took a call from a guy, Chad, who said he's noticed one of the most popular porn things these days is MILF porn. Howard said he watched one the other night and this mom is with the daughter and the daughter says Bobby is coming over and the mom says she's going to teach her how to do things with her boyfriend. Howard said the mom gets all sexed up and blows the boyfriend when he comes over. Then the mom tells the daughter what to do and tells her to play with her vagina. Howard said they blow the guy together so they do it right. Howard said Bobby just sits there like he's retarded. Howard said that's the move in porn now to keep the guy quiet.
Chad said he knows exactly what he's talking about. Howard asked if he uses YouPorn. Chad said he uses Bing to search for porn. Howard said he has learned a lot about how to blow a guy from these videos. Howard said this could have bad social implications. Howard asked how the daughter feels about her dad if the dad is out of town. Howard said they sometimes say the dad died.
Howard said in one video the mom is living with the step son and he catches her beating off. Then the next thing you know she's blowing the step son. Chad said you do have to move on.
Howard said the step moms are so hot. Howard said when a porn star plays a mom they're like 30. He said it's so great. Chad said the porn stars he's loved turn into MILFs and that makes him feel old. Howard said the porn stars have giant tits with a little bit of a belly. He said the daughters will have a flat belly and that's important to him.
Howard said he could talk about this all day. He said he's not sure of the names of the MILFs. He said he was talking to Richard and JD this morning and they were telling him about some new type of porn they discovered. Howard said JD told him they were watching ''stuck porn''. It's where the chick gets stuck with her hand in the drain in a sink and the guy comes in to help get them unstuck and he fucks them because they can't move. Howard said this is a huge category of porn now. Howard said he's kind of intrigued now. He said tomorrow he'll play some of that.
Howard said he loves the fake cab driver series where girls get into a cab and they fuck the driver. Howard said they have fake agent porn.
Chad said he saw a daughter swap porn. He said some guys get into an accident and they swap their daughters instead of going to their insurance companies. Gary said Shuli told him about seeing one where a woman gets stuck trying to sneak in a window and the sons fuck her while she's stuck.
Howard said he thinks about what his grandchildren will be beating off to. He said he figures it'll be projected in front of you and it'll be like it's real. Chad said there is virtual reality porn. He hasn't tried it yet though. Howard said he's very stealth when he's jerking off. He said it's too risky to jerk off when someone is home too.
Chad asked if Howard covers up the camera on his computer when he's jerking off. Howard said he does. He uses his iPad for that.
Gary came in and said that they interviewed a porn star once and she told them that she thinks that eventually the star will cut herself and the guy will fuck the wound. Howard said that's disgusting. Howard said that some strippers think guys want to see them do gymnastics on stage and that's not what guys want. Howard said no one cares about that. He said they don't care if they can stand on their head while they're on the poll.
Howard said Sal told him he beats off next to his wife in bed while she sleeps. Chad said that's sad. Howard said there was this girl Kesha Grey who was interviewed for the AVN awards. He played a clip of her talking about how she laughed when a guy farted during a scene. She said she stayed in the business after that and she's glad she did because she won.
Howard said there are a lot of anti-Jenna Jameson people in porn. Howard said he's not sure why that is. Chad said maybe it's because she converted to being Jewish. Howard said he doesn't like the goofing on Jenna Jameson. Howard played a clip from the AVN awards and one of the porn stars was talking about Jenna spreading her legs for everyone in the industry and said she was sober but then said she wasn't. Howard said there is a documentary about her converting to Judaism. He said he'd watch that. He said Benjy told him she's been tweeting in Hebrew.
Howard played another clip from the AVN awards where one of the winners was talking about how she can't eat her own pussy when she was accepting her award. Howard said that's some award show.
Howard had some audio of Riley Reed and Mick Blue accepting an award. Howard said Riley was winning a lot of awards at the AVNs. Howard played another clip of a woman, Abella Danger, winning and breaking down crying over it. Howard said she was back stage crying after that. He said it means a lot to them when they win. She was still crying and thanked god for her win. Howard said there isn't a lot of thanking Jesus at these awards.
Howard said you don't go into the business to work hard. Robin said it is hard work. Howard said when he has interviewed porn stars he asks how much they get and it's like 5 grand a scene. Howard said it's not a real lucrative thing. Howard let Chad go after that. He said it was fun talking porn with him. Howard said that was Chad from Missouri.
Howard said they had the Homeless Lady cut an intro for them. He played that and she mentioned Lenny Dykstra but it was almost impossible to understand. Howard went to break a short time later.
- New Trump Phony Phone Call And Charlie Sheen Clips. 06/28/16. 7:35am
After the break Howard came right back and said he forgot everything he wanted to say. Robin reminded him of a phony phone call he wanted to play. Howard said this is Donald Trump calling a lingerie store. Howard said they don't hang up on the guy when he gets weird. Howard said they must have to put up with that stuff because retail is so hard. Howard said he was thinking about how they have to put up with this stuff because times are tough. Howard played the call and they had a Trump impersonator asking for panties that say ''Daddy's little girl'' on them. The woman on the phone said they do. He asked creepy questions and asked her to include a card that was going to his daughter and saying that he would do things to her that would be illegal unless he's president. He had the woman writing other creepy stuff down about his daughter. Trump asked who she's voting for. She said she's voting for Trump.
Howard said see how polite she was. Howard said even if you listen to the show for the phony phone calls you'd be impressed. Howard said that woman stayed on the line the whole time. Robin said she even said her own dad would do something like that for her. Howard said Robin's dad didn't buy her lingerie.
Howard said Charlie Sheen was on the talk show circuit. Howard said he refuses to come in there though. Howard said this is the one thing in life Charlie is afraid of. Howard said think of the things he's been up to. He said it's complete anarchy but he can't come in there. Howard said Gary called to book him for the show once and Gary could hear Charlie in the room. Gary said they never give a real explanation. Howard said the reason he's doing interviews is because he's promoting a new condom.
Howard said Charlie was on the Today show and he was promoting this condom thing. Howard played a clip and Charlie was talking about how he didn't inform everyone he slept with because it was for the right reasons which were the fact that he was being shaken down by everyone so he didn't want them shaking him down. Matt Lauer asked Charlie other questions about his child custody and finances too.
Howard said Charlie was in Sweden and he was promoting the condoms. He said over there he got annoyed and didn't want to deal with it. He said he gets annoyed and it's really funny. Howard played that clip and Charlie was asked about getting diagnosed with HIV and he got annoyed with the woman. Charlie said he felt like his life was over but he realized it wasn't. The interviewer kept asking about that and Charlie asked if she was still in journalism school. He asked if she can move on to something else. Howard said Charlie selling condoms is like Jason selling diet books. He said this woman is asking about HIV and he wants to move on. Howard asked what other topic you talk to Charlie Sheen about. He said it is a big thing in his life.
Howard said he liked that interview. He said the condom commercial is the best though. He played some audio from that commercial and said this is Robo-Charlie. He asked who wrote this? Charlie is talking about how simple it is to wear a condom and prevent some grief in your life. Howard played a commercial parody with a Charlie Sheen impersonator talking about how you have to wash your dildos after using them. Howard said he should teach us about responsible sex.
Howard said he has a clip of a Charlie Sheen town hall. Howard asked what's up with that. No one was telling him. Gary said it was an old bit they though might be relevant. Howard played the clip and it was a commercial for a town hall there at SiriusXM with a Charlie Sheen impersonator talking about crazy stuff.
Howard said he forgot about that bit. He said that's a good one. Howard said Charlie is like an elder statesman of pussy. Robin said they don't know if he's going to stay on the straight and narrow. Robin said he has gone off it before. Howard said he's capable of anything. He said that guy had it made. He said he had a movie career and then that TV show where he was making millions a week. He said he just couldn't keep it together. Howard said he could have had one or two girlfriends. He said he just couldn't do it. Howard said now he's Mr. Responsibility. Howard wondered what they're paying him to be a condom spokesman.
- TV And Email Discussions. 06/28/16. 7:50am
Howard said he started watching TV last night. He said he started watching Ray Donovan. He said he watched some of The Match Game. He said he thought it was good. Robin said Rosie was on the show. Howard said Rosie is the one everyone wants to match with. Howard said it used to be Richard Dawson back in the day. Howard said Rosie looks healthy now that she's gotten thin. He said she's wearing hot pants and belly shirts. Howard said there were some people on the show who didn't seem to understand the game. Howard said some of them are idiots. Howard said Rosie is the only one with the intelligence to play the game.
Howard said everyone loved Trump vs. Bernie yesterday. He said that was a lot of fun. Howard read some email feedback about that segment. Howard had a bunch about those two and he said he found them on YouTube thanks to Colin Quinn.
Howard read some email about the Riley Martin rap he did yesterday. Howard had some positive feedback about that and the retrospective that starts this Saturday and runs all next week on Howard 101. Howard said Riley's first call to the show was 20 years ago.
Howard read some email about High Pitch Erik and someone thinks that he's gay. Howard said someone suggested that he pay in cash at restaurants so he can avoid the new credit card machine. Howard said he's not doing that.
Howard said everyone liked political Gary yesterday. Howard said Robin noticed Gary had some political views on his Facebook page. Robin said she went on the Wrap Up Show to encourage Gary not to feel inhibited. Gary said she told him not to be so she can continue to mock him.
Howard said he has a song parody from a woman about Robin. He said they don't get many of those. Howard played that one and the woman was pining away for Robin in that. The song was to the tune of ''Jesse's Girl.'' Howard went to break after playing that.
- Cursing On TV Clips. 06/28/16. 8:00am
After the break Howard came right back and said everything is so funny to him. He said LeBron James was in the parade for the Cavaliers and he was on TV cursing. Howard said he doesn't know better. He said he should know better. Howard played some audio of LeBron cursing on the air. He kept saying ''shit'' and said ''mother fucker'' too. Robin said he is no word smith. Howard said all of the TV people have to clean up after him. Howard played some clips of the news reporters apologizing for the language.
Howard said the other big freak out was Bill Simmons who came on the show with Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said Bill got his own show on HBO and Ben Affleck was on cursing a lot. Howard said it's HBO so you're allowed to curse and he got a lot of criticism for that. Howard said he fucked the Nanny so what do you expect? Howard said people expect him to act like the President. He said they must think good looking people shouldn't curse. Howard said you see Ben and Jennifer Garner holding hands and walking on the beach. Howard said he fucked the nanny. Howard asked how many holding hands sessions you have to take before she forgets about that.
Howard played a clip from the Bill Simmons show where Ben kept cursing. Howard said it was on HBO so what do you expect. Howard said he likes when people are themselves and not prepared by a PR person. Howard said that's how he'd expect Ben to talk. Howard said get him in there to talk about pussy. He said this guy is a good guest. Howard played another clip of Ben cursing while talking about the NFL and Tom Brady.
Howard said it's funny when you ask a celebrity about their life they don't talk about then they open up about football. Howard said maybe they should talk to people about sports to get them to open up. Howard played another clip of Ben cursing and Bill said next time he comes on they should bring Tom Brady on the show.
Howard said that's an edgy mother fucker. He said he's watching football and playing cards and fucking the nanny. Howard said then he goes to Hawaii and holds hands with his wife. Howard said that has to be a weird move. He said he's doing it for the kids. Howard said Ben is so good looking that he can fuck the nanny and still hold hands with his wife. Howard said he could never pull that off.
Howard said that Ben Affleck is the one he wants playing Batman. Robin said that guy won't come on this show just like Charlie Sheen. Howard said that he won't but Lenny Dykstra will. Howard said he'll be in at 9 today. Howard said Ben is another good guy they'd like to have on the show. He said that he'd ask him about holding his wife's hand for the first time after the Nanny thing. Howard said Lenny was bolder than any of them. He said he bets he fucked Ben's nanny. He said you never know. Howard said Arnold fucked the nanny. Robin said he fucked the housekeeper. Howard said that's right, he went old school. Howard said that's some hard core stuff. He said he'd be too afraid of getting caught and Robin would goof on him.
Howard said Jennifer has to be thinking about the hand that Ben has on her and if that's the one he used to finger the nanny. Howard said the world has changed a lot. Robin said everyone is trying to have these conscious uncouplings.
- Howard Takes Some Calls. 06/28/16. 8:15am
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Robin needs to take that voice on the road as a singer. Howard said she does have a different style. The caller said he's never heard that style before. Fred played Robin singing ''Cocaine.'' Fred played her singing some other things like Adele's ''Hello.''
The caller said he is a sheriffs deputy and he arrested a kid yesterday. He said the kid was about 16 and he put the spotter on him and his eyes were shot out. He said he gets him up against the car and cuffs him. He said the kid says Baba Booey a few times and he let the kid off the hook. He said he had him call home to have someone pick him up. Howard said that's very nice. He let the caller go after that. Howard said maybe that will set the kid straight.
Howard took a call from Bobo who let out a ''Whoop, whoop.'' Bobo asked Howard about back in the day when he worked at WNBC and where the fuck HR was back then. Howard said they were in on it too. Howard said they wanted him to quit. He said there was no Human Resources back then.
Benjy sighed and Howard said he forgot to shut off his microphone. Howard asked what he's eating over there. Fred told Howard about how it was gone already. they goofed on Benjy for a minute.
Shuli came in and said that Bobo was adamant about sucking Howard's dick. He said he had a conversation with him about that and he would blow him if he had a gun to his head. Bobo said he would take a bullet for Howard.
Howard said he has a voicemail that Bobo left. As soon as he played it Bobo said ''reiterate'' and it sounded like ''reinerate.'' In the voicemail Bobo talked about how he would blow Howard if he had to but it would be against his will. Howard asked if he thinks he can deep throat all six inches of him. Bobo said he's not sure about that. Howard played a song parody about Bobo after that.
Howard asked if he'd swallow his cum. Bobo said there's a line in the sand he can't cross. Howard asked if he was forced to do it could he do it. Bobo said he would do whatever he had to do to keep Howard alive.
Shuli said Howard has to read this open letter Bobo wrote about coming to the hospital years ago when his kid was born. He said he wrote it as an apology to Howard. Howard said he didn't get it. Bobo read the letter over the phone. Bobo said he just wanted to meet the guy on the radio and he knew it was wrong. He really admired him and he has regretted it ever since. Bobo said his intentions were completely harmless. Shuli said this is someone's dad. Bobo kept going and said he hopes they can put it to rest. Howard asked how long it took to write that. Bobo said it was about 4 and a half minutes. Howard said he has to blow him before he'll forgive him. They played another song parody about him.
Howard said he always forgets that Bobo showed up at the hospital. He said he walked in with his parents. He said that he's such an idiot. Bobo said he doesn't know what he was thinking. Howard said he sort of likes Bobo until someone reminds him of that. He said he should go to Hawaii and hold hands with him. Bobo asked if he can talk to Gary and find out if he's satisfied with that. Howard said he's such a douche bag. Howard played another song parody about Bobo and his awful phone calls to the show.
Shuli said he's yet to hear one bad Bobo song parody. Howard said there's an avalanche of songs about him. He said Robin can't even get a new one.
Howard asked if he even knew who Bobo was at the time. He said he was excited about Ashley being born and he came out of the delivery room and his parents were on their way up. Howard said he was nervous about the whole thing and there were a ton of doctors there. He said he was overwhelmed. Bobo said Dominic was there too. Howard said he wasn't looking for him to show up either.
Howard said he walked out and you don't know who that is. He said he said hi to the guy not knowing it was Bobo. Howard said you don't know who it is. He said he's not sure he even announced himself right away. Bobo said he just congratulated him and said he was a big fan. Howard said that's when he panicked. He said you don't know who this guy is or why he's there. Benjy asked if he got to see the baby. Howard said he blew his stack when he found out people just walked in. Gary said that was his rap on the Wrap Up Show about his excuses about why he did it.
Bobo said he realized it when his son was born and he realized what he did. Shuli asked how he found out what hospital he was at. Bobo said he just figured it out. Howard said there were only like 2 hospitals he could have been in.
Howard played another Bobo song parody. He said he has to separate them to figure out what to goof on him about. He said some are about him being an idiot and some are about him not being a superfan. Howard played another one and said that was by Clee Torres.
Bobo said showing up to the hospital was the stupidest thing he ever did. Howard let him go after that. Bobo said he loves him. Howard laughed and said he loves him too. He played him off with another song parody about how dumb he is. They went to break after that.
- Lenny Dykstra Visits. 06/28/16. 8:40am
After the break they played a phony phone call Richard Christy made to an internet radio show with clips of Riley Martin complaining about not being paid. They also played a ''Quivers Travel Agency'' commercial parody, a bit about Bill Maher talking about heroes and terrorists, Patty Smyth & Don Henley's ''Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough,'' Underdog Lady clips in a Led Zeppelin song, a Big Foot Fingering Tip and Rod Stewart performing ''You Wear it Well'' in the Howard Stern Show studio.
Howard came back and said he has Lenny Dykstra there. He said he used to follow the Mets and Lenny was on the team when he did. Howard said he has to soak in his look. Howard said he will read his book. Howard said he might buy it on Kindle. Howard asked if he can call him Nails. Lenny said yeah. Howard said what he knows about baseball could fit in a thimble. Howard said Lenny was the hardest fucking player ever. Lenny said he was a hard player. He said that was his way out of the middle. Howard said he was 5'9'' and everyone bet against him. Howard said he played football and baseball and went for baseball because there was more money in it. Lenny said you can last longer too. He said he would grab guy's balls when he was in the bottom of the pile in football. He said that it was about the money when he saw that people were making money in baseball.
Howard said Lenny did this thing in baseball where he would do undercover work and find out everything about the umpires. He said then he'd get up to bat and turn to the umpire and ask how his road pussy was. Howard said that made them give him good calls. Lenny said that fear does a lot to a man. He said he realized umpires ruled his life. He said you try to be nice to them and he just eliminated any risk of them having control over his life. He said he'd look back after a strike call and ask him what the spread was last night. He said it was all about getting an edge. He said he was never supposed to be a pro. He said there are only 30 jobs in the world for that one position. Howard said it's one of the hardest professions to break into. Lenny said you have to take someone's job. He said that guy worked his ass off to get there too.
Howard said Lenny's first hit for the Mets was a home run. Howard asked if the pitching is different between the minors and the major league. Lenny said it's all about control. Lenny said he was so out of control. He said he had to go to prison. He said he was in prison for 4 years total. He said he just got off of probation. He said he just took his last piss test.
Howard asked if that was tough being in prison. Lenny said he did wonder what the fuck happened. He said he was in his own cell in protective custody. He said that if someone kills him then that person is a hero there. Lenny said a guard knocked all of his teeth out. He said the guy was singing ''Take Me out to the Ball Game'' and he told him to shut the fuck up. He said next thing he knew he was in the hospital for a few days. He said he doesn't live back there though. Howard asked if it's ever like the movies and they have a big baseball game and he gets to play. Lenny said he got Pearl Harbored the first time he got detained. He said he was coming out of his place and 30 of these guys came out of trees. He said they didn't tell him what was going on. He said they took him in these tunnels to an interrogation room. He said these two suits came in and said he had to sign some stuff and they had to talk to him about his bankruptcy. He said then this guy came in and he told him to take him home or put him in jail. He said they were walking out and next thing he knows he's booked and thrown in a cell. He said no one even knew where he was.
Howard said Lenny never knows when to be quiet. He said that's just who he is. Lenny said he speaks the truth and some people don't like the truth.
Howard said Lenny was called Nails because he played hard as nails. Howard said when the Mets had him he was amazing. Howard asked if the thing that drove him was that his birth dad left him. Howard said his mom married a great guy and he became his dad. Lenny said he was his dad. He said he remembers making millions and his father called him trying to rekindle things. He said he told him he had a dad and it's not him and he hung up. Howard said it's amazing that they show up after all those years. Howard said he'd be curious. Lenny said he was more worried about the pussy showing up.
Howard asked Lenny if he got a lot of pussy. Lenny said he worked smarter rather than harder. He said he'd get hotel rooms and get the presidential suite set up. Howard asked if he got more in New York or Philly. Lenny said it was on the road. He said at home you have to recharge. He said he didn't fuck that much. He said that he was more of a knob guy. Howard said he got blow jobs. Lenny said he did. He said that the blow job was for security. Howard asked what the best road blow job was. Lenny said his wife is the greatest woman in the world. Howard said he got divorced in 2009 but his wife stuck with him for a long time.
Howard said that the private jets thing really did him in. Lenny said that he had to have his own Gulf Stream. He said he had a couple of flight attendants that he never hit. He said the plane became his drug. Howard asked about all of the business shit he got into when he was done with baseball. He had enough to get a private jet. Howard said he had a car wash and that's never going to go out of style with technology. Lenny said he bought the property too. He said that's what counts. Howard said Jim Cramer even gave him a tip sheet.
Howard asked Lenny if his goal was to fuck royalty. Lenny said that he had guys who would take shifts. He said he was 24/7 and he had to have guys with him that had to go in shifts. Lenny said that he had his buddy Robert De Niro turn him on to dexadrine. Lenny said he was helicoptering women around back then. He said De Niro was at this place he was at and he was walking back to his suite and De Niro was there. He said the guy didn't know who he was. Howard said maybe he doesn't want him telling this story. Lenny said the book has the story in there. He said he tells all of these stories in the book because he's been from the valley to the top of Mt. Everest.
Howard said Lenny was on the Mets and he had to share the position with Mookie Wilson. Lenny said you can't get paid if you don't play every day. He said Davy Johnson was their manager and that's what he did. He said he didn't like him. Lenny said Davy put him in a game when they were down a few games and he said to him he must want to finally win. He got them back into it.
Howard asked Lenny about seeing Daryl Strawberry's cock in the shower. Lenny said they had to tape it to his leg. He said it was like a hammer. He said it was very traumatizing to him. Howard asked if it was soft. Lenny said it was. He said that the blood may not even make it to the end of that one. Howard asked what he says to the guy. Lenny said he asked if he ever got it to the face. He said he told him no. Howard said a big cock can be a curse. Lenny said what happened to him is that a Jewish doctor did his circumcision and he was told he was given a perfect cut. He said his mother used to say he had a PC which was a ''perfect cut.'' He said it's pretty but not gigantic. Howard asked if he uses Viagra. Lenny said he has something called Gentleman's Secret coming out. He said that he does use whatever he can. He said that you know the first sign when the blood's not flowing and she's getting closer and you have to peel and reveal. He said he had a chick laugh at him once. He said he couldn't pitch a tent.
Lenny said he thought God's plan for him was to entertain people. He said what he really put him there for was to get women off. He said he's a pleaser and an artist. He said he likes to please women. Howard asked if he's afraid of HPV. Lenny said he doesn't know what that shit is. He said he checks to see if that shit is clean first. Howard asked if he was getting Hollywood actresses. Lenny said sometimes the thought of money is enough. Howard asked how many women he's gotten blow jobs from. Lenny said ''Wow...'' He said sometimes he was just halfway in.
Howard asked if he wore a lot of rubbers. Lenny said that he would go to grocery stores and pick up women there. He said that the famous women are too much work. Howard asked if they would get mad at him and move on. Lenny said yeah.
Howard said in his book he talks about Charlie Sheen. Howard said he wasn't able to keep up with him. Howard said he claims in the book that he told him about his HIV thing in 2014. Lenny said it was one of the hardest things he ever heard about. He said he knew him because Charlie is into baseball. Howard said he talks about how he had baseball stuff in his house. Lenny said he went to help him get off the drugs once. He said that he never did that stuff himself.
Howard asked about what happened when he heard Charlie had HIV. Lenny said that he is a great guy when he's sober. Howard asked why he confided in him. Lenny said he was his only real friend. Howard asked how he came clean. Lenny said he told him to come out before someone else came out with the information. Lenny said that he is a whale hunter himself and he has a big rolodex. He said he helped him come clean. Lenny said he told him that you can't stop it. He said if they took a poll out there he'd win in a landslide. He said Charlie was on board and then someone talked him out of it. Then he was forced to come out. Howard asked if he misses hanging with him. Lenny said he really didn't hang with him like that.
Howard said Jack Nicholson was a friend back when he was playing baseball. Howard said he talks about what a good wing man he was back then. Lenny said he got to know him when he went to Dodger stadium. He said he'd bring his son and he went to some parties he threw. He said he would call Jack to impress chicks.
Howard said Lenny talks about how everyone was doing steroids back in the day and you could buy them at Rite-Aid. Lenny said he was too weak and he was worn down. He said in 1990 he knew he was going to have to get a real job or be a millionaire. He said he moved to Mississippi. He said he called a doctor and told him what was going on. He said he had the chance to make 30 million dollars so he asked him to do something to help him keep the weight on. He said he had to shoot himself in the ass 3 times a week for 6 weeks. He said he walked out there like he had a 15 inch cock. Howard said he wishes he had that feeling. Lenny said he had muscles in his face after that. Howard said it looks like he still has a lot of muscle mass. Lenny said he does.
Howard said he read in his book that he used HGH. Lenny said when he started writing this book he said the first interview he was going to do was with Howard Stern. Howard thanked him for that. Howard said this book is making a lot of news. Lenny said the book is about life. He said it's not just about baseball. Howard said he did end up hurting a lot of people in his life. He said you do that when you want wealth and fame. Lenny said money became his drug. He said he was running people over and he had the life gods come down and put him in his place. He said that he once had a doctor pearl harbor him in the ass when he got a prostate exam. He said he put the guy up against the wall.
Howard said he talks about how Mookie Wilson had bad breath back when he played with him. He said he was a great guy but he had bad breath. He said he had a bunch of great teammates.
Howard said it was sad when he left the Mets. Lenny said it was tough. He said they just traded him to the Phillies. He said that they were playing Philly and Davy came up to him and said that he was done. He said he heard that he was traded during the game. He said they let him know what was going on.
Howard asked Lenny if he hated baseball. Lenny said in Philly he would see his teammates drinking a lot. He said he told his trainer there had to be something else to get him through it. He said he ended up taking Vikodin. He said then he got dependant on that. He said he eventually got to taking 30 of them. He said he thought he was going to die out there.
Howard asked about going to rehab. Lenny said he went and Charlie was the guy who helped keep him there. He said he was going to go out in flames so he checked into the Beverly Hills Hotel and he ended up staying there for like 10 days. He said he knew things were bad after that. He said he was hanging with Mickey Rourke and he was so fucked up that he would look in the mirror and see himself looking like the Crypt Keeper. He said he has been sober for 3 years in a row now. Howard asked if he can smoke weed. Lenny said he doesn't smoke weed. He said that stuff kicked his ass.
Howard said Lenny talks about how he taught himself to play ball by using a ping pong ball and throwing it at the wall. He said that way when he played baseball the ball would look huge. He said that's pretty brilliant. Howard asked who taught him that. Lenny said that he taught himself.
Howard asked if Lenny about jerking off. Lenny said he never had to do it until he was in prison. He said then he had to do it. Howard asked if he knew how to do it. Lenny said it was just something to do.
Howard asked how he got through it all. Lenny said no matter where he is in his life he doesn't live in negativity.
Howard asked where he's living. Lenny said he lives in a guest house of this great guy in Beverly Hills. He said the guy has a nice mansion. Gary said he was talking to these people and they say he's the best house guest they've ever had. He said he cleans like crazy and he can build stuff too.
Howard asked if he's getting laid now. Lenny said he can't get it up so he has to take the dick pills. He said if he did cum it's like a murder is going on. He said if he does cum it's hard. He said it's like the thrill of the kill when he goes to hit on women at grocery stores.
Howard asked how he knows if a woman is clean. Lenny said he will check them and he has tongue depressors to go in there. He said he is a pleaser so he goes in and does what he can. He said he has spots in the baseball parks that he could get blow jobs. He said what he would do is have a bat boy bring a chick down. He said 20 minutes later he was in the batter's box. Howard asked if that drained him. Lenny said he would just take some amphetamines if he needed to. He said that they were playing every day. He said the drugs are out of the game now and that's why the game is so boring.
Howard asked if he watches the Mets now. Lenny said he does. He said people still recognize him. Howard said women like him because he's manly.
Howard asked if Lenny ever fucked any other player's wife. Lenny said he doesn't do any of that shit. Howard asked who the biggest assholes were back then. Lenny said Greg Jeffries was. He said he didn't know how to play. He said that most players don't know how to play. He said they play wrong.
Howard asked if Lenny ever fucked a teacher. Lenny said he did. He said she was blonde. He said he was a senior in high school. He said she was hot. He said she was single and hot. He said he fucked her a couple of times. Howard asked if he told anyone. Lenny said he keeps that in the weeds. Howard said she took him to his apartment. Howard said he's some player. Lenny said he's really not. He said he's just a guy. Howard said he fucked a teacher. Lenny said he does therapy with them and works on their minds. He said he told her some lie but at the end of the day pussy is what took him out. He said he played baseball to impress women. He said he feels sorry for dudes who are gay. He said you think a guy wants to wake up next to a guy's hairy ass? He said he doesn't. He said he thinks back about what went on. Howard said if he was gay maybe he wouldn't have gotten into trouble.
Lenny said he tells chicks that he has in his house not to shit there. He said he doesn't even like them pissing. He said he hates that sound. Howard said he had to hear his wife shit or at least smell it. Lenny said he had a house that had a his and hers shitter. He said her bathroom was on the other side of the house. He said he had a great wife. He said he didn't bring any of that into it. He said he felt like he had an obligation to do things for her. He said he's a ''pecan Picasso.''
Howard asked Lenny about taking a drug that made him not shit. Lenny said that didn't last long. Howard asked if he's ever told a woman to get out of his house if she has to shit. Lenny said he has to throw them out. Howard asked why he didn't make them take the no shit drug. Lenny said that's why Howard is in that seat and he's over there.
Howard said this book (''House of Nails: A Memoir of Life on the Edge'') is something else. Lenny said he had a ghost writer doing it but he fired that guy and did it himself. He said he locked himself in a room and wrote it. He said there was blood on the keyboards for 6 months straight. He said he had to grind it out. He said it took him 6 months to do it. He said he had help from a thesaurus but he did it on his own. He said the book is funny. Howard asked if he asked Steven King to write something for him. Lenny said he Pearl Harbored him and asked him to write something. He said that guy has walked in his shoes. He said he asked him to write something if he felt it was worthy. He said Steven King wrote ''Strangely beautiful'' and ''one of the best sports autobiographies I've ever read.''
Howard asked Lenny about flying to Israel and they performed surgery on him to help him get over his opioids addiction. Lenny said they're doing that a lot these days. He said they didn't have Suboxin back then. He said this doctor saved his life. He said he wasn't able to get off the stuff and he said there has to be something else. He said that he was told it was in Israel. He said they put you to sleep for 10 hours and suck out the opiates. He said it was kind of scary stuff but he went and did it. Lenny said he flew out there and did it. He said it was only the second time he cried. Howard asked when he cried before that. Lenny said it was when his mom said he couldn't play little league. He said the doctor looked at him and told him that he wasn't going to let him die. He said he called that guy god. He said he was a legend and fixing people. He said now they have rapid detox all over. He said it's 10 hours of sucking the opiates out. Robin said he must feel pretty rough after that. Lenny said it felt like 10 rounds with Tyson.
Howard asked what his age range is for fucking. He asked if he'd do a woman his age. Lenny said if they pay him he would. He said he has some clients who want some companionship. Howard asked if he really gets women to pay him. Lenny said that they do. He said you have to be careful though because their bones ban be brittle. Howard asked how many women he has. Lenny said there are 3 but one of them is killing him because she wants to stick her tongue down his throat and she's like 80. Howard said he's a male gigolo. Lenny said he lives a lot of lives. Howard asked what he does with these women. Lenny said sometimes he'll go out to dinner. He said they don't introduce him to their friends or family. Lenny said it's his duty to do this stuff. He said he's a nice guy. He said he's always been a nice guy except on the baseball field.
Howard asked if a woman has ever tried to eat his ass. Lenny said one tried but that's not his thing. He said he doesn't like anything near his ass. He doesn't like pulling hair and he doesn't like having fingers in his mouth.
Howard asked if he would ever do anal with a chick. Lenny fuck no. Howard said he's done it like 3 times. He said sometimes they like it. Lenny said that it's just wrong. He said he thinks that's why there's AIDS and shit. Howard asked who he's voting for. Lenny said he can't vote because he's a convicted felon.
Howard asked if he has fake teeth to eat with. Lenny said that's the problem. He said part of his skill is not having teeth. He did something that made Robin crack up. Lenny said he can eat anything but an apple. He said he can get steak down. He said the thing is that the teeth are too much fucking work. He said that they'll say he's so gentle. Howard said he can't even tell he doesn't have teeth. He said he conceals it very well. Lenny said he likes the way he said that.
Howard asked who the hottest celebrity is out there. He asked who gets his attention. Lenny said there's one chick Scarlett Johansson. He said one of his buddies said he might be able to get her to give a quote for his book but that didn't happen.
Howard said Lenny has done it all. Lenny said that he wants to tell him that he bought pretty much anything he ever wanted. He said he grew up in a good family and his mom worked every day and her dream was to have a Mercedes. He said he called the dealer and had them deliver one to his mom's driveway. He said she walked out and started crying. He said of all the shit he's ever bought that was the most satisfying. He said fuck the planes and pussy. He said that was genuine. He said he doesn't want to sound gay but that's the most satisfying thing he ever did.
Howard asked if his life has been fun. Lenny said it has been fun. He said he's 53 now and he's got some real mileage on him. Howard said Lenny has made his mom's face wet with tears and he's made women wet. Now he's whet the audience's appetite for this book. Lenny said the book is awesome. Howard said he's a world class pussy eater. He works at it. Lenny said it's all about percentages just like in baseball.
Howard asked Lenny what he used to practice eating pussy if he used a ping pong ball to learn baseball. Lenny said he was put there on this planet to satisfy women. He said that's what he does.
Howard gave Lenny some plugs for the book and said you can find out more at LennyDykstra.com. They went to break a short time later. They played Peter Frampton performing ''Show Me The Way'' in the Howard Stern Show studio as they were going to break.
- Robin's News. 06/28/16. 10:10am
After the break Howard said he saw Lenny paying a lot of attention to Robin over there. Robin said he was and she knows where to look when she needs some attention from him. Howard said he remembers watching those Mets back in the day. Howard said he remembers all of those guys. Howard said Lenny said that Daryl Strawberry had a huge cock. Howard said very few people can pull off what Lenny has. He said he's one busy guy.
Howard picked up on Speech Impediment Man who said that was a great interview with Lenny. Speech Impediment Man said he knew a guy named Lenny who had a brother they used to call Lenny and Squiggy in high school. Speech Impediment Man said his brother also signed him to his first baseball contract. Speech Impediment Man asked if he can talk to Ronnie and be the new something man. Howard asked what he just said. Robin said she has no idea. Fred figured it was the new Ricky's Man. Fred did his impression of Speech Impediment Man for a minute. Howard let Speech Impediment Man go and said it's time for some news.
They played Robin into her news with a song parody from Dan the Song Parody Man. Robin said she hasn't heard that name in years. Howard said that was wonderful. Robin asked what happened to him. Howard said he couldn't top that one so he gave up.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden who asked if we should stay in the UN. Howard said yes. He said we can't stay cut off from the world. He said we have to have some way diplomatically of communicating with other countries. Tommy said we can. Howard said there's something that happens when people talk and the UN had to have done good in that area. He said we may not even be aware of it. Howard said that we will close another way of speaking to the world if we get out of there.
Tommy asked if he thinks southerners are dumber than northerners. Howard said no. He said he has lived all over the country and people are the same everywhere. He said there are the same amount of dummies and smart people everywhere.
Howard said he is pro America and he is a patriot. Howard said he believes we have to support the UN. He said he had to go after that. He let Tommy go.
Howard said we can't shut ourselves off from the rest of the world. Howard said he's not sure why he had to ask about the UN. He said he just did an hour and a half about pussy. Howard said he's clearly insane.
Robin read a story about a teacher who broke into song at the Lincoln Memorial. Robin had some audio of that performance. The woman got a round of applause from the crowd there. Howard played some audio of Robin singing after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why he doesn't leave the microphone open when he goes to the bathroom. Howard said sometimes he does. Howard said they have tried it and Robin didn't like it. He said Robin doesn't want to work that hard. Robin said they interact with each other. Howard said that's the game plan. He said Robin hates working with Benjy and Fred. The caller asked if he thinks it would be good for the fans if Robin takes over if something happens to Howard. Howard said he doesn't care what happens when he leaves. He said Robin can do a show with whoever she wants.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got about 2 minutes into that interview and it was a terrible interview. He asked who convinced him to have Lenny in there. Howard said he enjoyed having him in there and he was a fan. He said he has had lots of problems in his life. Howard said Lenny answered every question. The caller said he jumped around though. Howard said he did but the guy is different and doesn't think in a linear fashion. Howard said he thinks that caller was jealous of Lenny's PC penis.
Robin read a story about Jay Leno surviving a car crash. Robin read about the crash that happened at an empty speedway. Robin said they showed Leno and the other guy flipping over and landing safely on all four wheels. Howard said he carries on with those cars. He said we get it, he likes cars. Robin said he was joking when it was all over.
Robin read a story about the Red Cross putting out posters about playing safely around the pool and some of the kids in the drawing were being cool and uncool. Robin said that all of the cool kids were white and the uncool kids were black. Howard said one of the white kids had an uncool over him. Howard said some of the white kids were uncool. Robin said she's looking at it and all of them are black. Robin said the Red Cross has discontinued the production of that poster. Benjy asked why they have black kids in a pool anyway. Howard asked if he's a fucking racist. He said that's what he gets for leaving his microphone open. Howard said he spaced out because he's hungry and now he's listening to Benjy. He said it was like 30 seconds to fuck up the entire show and he did it. Howard said they should put an ''Uncool'' sign over Benjy's head.
Howard said it's a good thing Jay Leno has an airbag in his chin. He said that saved his life.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has seen the video of Leno crashing. Howard said yes. He said it's like Jay Leno in Jackass. The caller said it's funny how he's flipping around in the car.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that interview he did was awesome. He liked it. Howard said Lenny was great. He said of course he liked it. The caller also said he thinks Robin is the most beautiful woman in the world. He said if they ever have a contest he wants to be there. The guy said he's a truck driver and he's 5'10'' and 200 pounds. Howard said he sounds perfect for Robin. Howard played a Robin song parody from Eli Braden. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Tim Tebow staying with a family and praying with them on a flight he was on. Howard said he'd like to do something like that and get some praise. Robin said Tebow and other people on the flight gathered around to help the person. Howard said he's not playing football anymore. Howard said he has nothing but free time. Howard said he's too busy himself to do anything like that. He said it would be great for him to rescue someone. He said years ago he did an interview with Dateline and he told Gary to get someone in a wheelchair to come in and he would carry on with the person and impress Stone Phillips. Howard said he was going to get the guy to stand up on camera. Howard said it looked like Stone wanted to kill him when he caught on to watch was going on. Howard said he had no sense of humor. Howard said he was nice enough but he never did that again. Gary said Stone looked at Howard like ''Why are you wasting my time?'' and rolled his eyes when he saw them roll the guy in. Robin said this story doesn't have a happy ending. The man died of the heart attack on that flight. Howard said he was a good guy to do that anyway. Howard said maybe he prayed to the wrong god though. He said it didn't work out.
Robin read a story about a guy who is in love with a Real Doll. Robin said this guy has a wife and he used the sex doll for sex but then he fell in love. Howard said this is JD's life if he didn't give him a job. Robin said now he's willing to brush off flesh and blood. Howard said there was a movie about that. He said it was real good. Robin said Ryan Gosling was in it. Howard said way to get publicity for this. He said he thinks that's what people expect from him.
Howard took a call from a guy, Seth, who said it was an honor to speak to them. He asked Howard about being so tall and if he's ever been able to dunk a basketball. Howard said no because he has no athletic training at all. Howard said he was never exposed to any sports growing up. He said he was ridiculed when he got up to play basketball in school. He said you have to grow up with the other white shit heads who can't play so you're not intimidated. Howard said black guys used to dunk him. He said he can't even jump. Seth said he was the only black guy in a white school. He said that he has to work in a coal mine now and he's 6'8'' tall. Howard asked if they have some kind of apparatus so they don't breathe in that shit. Seth said it's just a regular dust mask but he chews tobacco and he has to spit. He said he's constantly digging shit out of his nose on his way home.
Howard asked where they go to the bathroom down there. Seth said they just shit on the ground. Robin said that's awful. Seth said the shit grows fur down there so it looks like fur balls. Howard asked if he ever steps in it. Seth said when you mine coal you will swing to the left and they would shit on the left. He said people shit and it gets on the cables down there. Howard said he's lost with what he's saying. He asked if there are women down there. Seth said there are. He said one is semi-attractive. He said she's 50 though. He said there are a lot of people banging her from what he's heard.
Howard asked the caller about what the dudes do down there. Seth told Howard how the machine works and how they have to have people down there with the machines to work them. The guy said his hand got stuck once and he almost got hurt. Seth said he likes the work. Howard asked if there are a bunch of racist guys down there. Seth said they think he's Hispanic so they don't say much to him thinking he can't speak English. Howard let Seth go and did a live commercial read after that.
<>Howard said he got a hair cut yesterday and it's really short. Howard said Toni said she was going to thin it out but it looks a little short. Howard said maybe it'll relax. He told Benjy to come and relax it. Benjy said it's way too short. He said he looks like a Brady in the Brady Bunch. Howard said he does. Benjy also told him not to put the shiny stuff in it. Howard said he can't work on his hair while he's doing a show. He said he puts a gel in and then you pull it out and it looks dry. Benjy doesn't know because he doesn't have any hair.
Robin read a story about a new method of sewage disposal after dissolving a body in liquid. Robin said it's called alkaline electrolysis. Robin said it involves heat and pressure and an alkaline liquid that speeds up the dissolution process. Robin said it usually happens over time. Robin said they used it for the first time in Ontario, Canada. Robin said instead of taking 15-20 years it goes quicker and it's done environmentally friendly. Howard said he's going in a mausoleum and he's not going to be trapped below ground. Howard said he wants to be like Casey Kasem and have people fighting over his body.
Robin read about Facebook having a new feature that will have local events that people may be interested in.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Erik who said he has a bone to pick with the fans who email the show saying he's gay. He said he's not gay. Howard said he wants to talk to him man to man. Erik said they always do. Howard said the reason people think he's gay is because he's said he jerks off to Donnie Wahlberg. Erik said he's his friend and they love each other. Howard said he sounds like he's in another room. Erik said he has a Donnie pillow case. Howard asked if he's on a speaker phone. Erik said no. Howard said he's not sure if he's doing shtick but he has never jerked off to a man before. Erik said he's not gay. Howard asked what gay means. Erik said it means that you're happy. Howard said it means when you think about men and desire to be with a man. Erik said he doesn't. Robin said Donnie Wahlberg is a man. Howard said he wants to be with Donnie though. Erik said he got him on Blue Bloods. Howard said this is a weird conversation. Howard said he's also attracted to Wayne Brady and Mike Woods. Howard said it's not a bad thing to be gay. He said they won't think of him any less. Howard said it's fine. Robin asked how often he masturbates. Erik said not that much, maybe twice a day. Robin asked what he thinks about. Erik said he thinks about Blue Bloods. Howard said he thinks about Donnie too. Erik said he does. Howard said there's nothing wrong with being gay. He said be proud. Erik said he loves Gonzo too. Howard said he would have sex with him. Erik said he would not. He said he did kiss him when he saw him a few weeks ago. Howard asked if he would jerk him off. Erik said no. He said it's a different story with Donnie. Erik said that he and Joey Boots are going to be in L.A. and Gonzo will sleep in the same room. He said Gonzo asked him to sleep in the same bed. He said he's not sure if he would do that. Howard asked if he would let Gonzo stick his dick in his ass. Erik said no. Donnie was a different story. Robin said that he thinks he's not gay because he doesn't want anything in his ass. Howard said he has to go.
Howard said last time Erik shared a room with Gonzo he came out of the bathroom naked. Shuli came in and said that he came out singing ''Gonzo. I'm naked!'' Erik said he did and Gonzo likes him too. Shuli said not the way Erik likes Gonzo. Howard said he has to get out of this. Shuli said Erik just bought a new pet. He has a bearded dragon lizard. He said it was $150 and now he's leaving for L.A. and he's leaving like 20 worms and 15 crickets for it to eat. Erik said that he has a neighbor who is going to take care of it. Howard said he had a cat once and the cat scratched holes in the screen to escape. Erik said they're going to be at the Hollywood Hotel and they'll be making an appearance at Dave and Buster's out there. Howard let him go and did a live commercial read.
Robin read a story about a woman who is up on charges after her 6 year old child shot her 4 year old with a gun. Robin said the 4 year old died at the hospital and the woman is being held on $300,000 bail.
Robin read a story about a man who beat to death an intruder who allegedly raped his wife. Robin said the guy says he was trying to protect his wife and his sister who were in the apartment at the time.
Robin said there's another story about a woman who shot a man who was in her daughter's room when she came home. Robin said that woman shot the intruder and found the 58 year old man in the house and killed him. Robin said the woman could face charges.
Robin read about Donald Trump changing his stance on Muslims coming into this country. Robin had some audio of him a few months ago saying he wanted to ban them. Now Trump's camp is refining that and saying that they would want to ban people from countries that are known for terrorism.
Robin read some other news about Trump and Hillary Clinton too. She had some audio clips for Howard to play as well.
Robin read a story about how Prince didn't have a will and there are a lot of people coming forward trying to get a portion of his estate. Robin said they had about 2 dozen attorneys show up at a hearing yesterday. Robin said they estimate that $100-300 million was left behind by Prince.
Robin read a story about an 8 year old boy who was born without a hand and he was given a super hero hand by his school mates when he finished second grade. Robin said he will have a 3D printed hand with the Captain America shield on it.
Robin read a story about a coach named Pat Summit who coached at a university in Tennessee and she was 59 when she was diagnosed with Alzheimers and died at 64.
Robin read about how Mike Huckabee was using the song ''Eye of the Tiger'' during his campaign and now he has to pay the band $25,000 for using it without permission. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.