- Howard Is Sick... But It's Not COVID. 03/29/21. 7:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: An announcement about a special Ronnie the Limo Driver psych exam special today.
Howard started the show talking about how he wants to die because he's so sick. He said it's time for him to go. He said he's so sick with a low grade fever. He said he's got a 100.9 fever and it's killing him. He said he's walking around with his legs hurting. He said he doesn't know what he has. He said he doesn't think he has COVID. He said he's going to get tested today maybe. He said he doesn't think he has it. He said he won't go into his whole story but he thinks it's not COVID. He said he hasn't left his house for a year. He said he stupidly left his house on Thursday to go to the dentist and eye doctor. He said that was his first mistake. He said he got sick coming home from the eye doctor. He said it would take 2 days for COVID to kick in. Robin said it could be psychological. Howard said he has a fever though. Robin said you can do that to your body. Howard said no. He said stop it, it's enough. He said she's torturing him. Robin said she has a pain in her hip and as soon as she wants to go to the doctor it stops.
Howard said he's been sleeping all day. He said he has some major issue. Robin asked where he's going now. Howard said he shouldn't have gone out anywhere. He said he hasn't been sick for an entire year. He said leaving his house was a mistake. He said he never should have gone. He said he learned his lesson and he'll never leave his house again. He said he's so miserable. He said it's just enough fever to wreck his life. Robin said she hears it in his voice. Howard said everything is horrible. He said he's sweating right now.
Howard said he will do the show because he doesn't want to do a makeup show. He said he doesn't want to give up a good day. He said it's gross though. Robin said she hasn't had anything other than some minor stuff. Howard said same there. He said he thinks he got aggravated when he was getting his teeth cleaned or something. He said he thinks he was looking for a reason. He said his mother was like that. He said don't tell his mother that he got sick. He went into his impression of his mother asking him what he did wrong.
Howard said he's convinced he has a blood disorder and he's convinced he's dying. Robin asked where he came up with that. Howard said he has his own theory. He said he doesn't need the internet for that. He said that's the last place he needs to go.
Howard said he has a few things he can do today. He said Rush Limbaugh talked about how he was dying when he got cancer. He said he could have told everyone that he was bullshitting the fans all along. He said he went out being Rush all the way.
Howard said he has to get to this Tan Mom thing. He said they didn't do this on President's day. He took a call from his boss (fake) Jennifer Witz who told him that he has to give 24 hours notice if he wants to take a day off. Howard said he knows that. Jennifer said that Tom Morello did 32 shows last night alone. She said that he can take a day off but he'll have to make it up by working 24/7 through May.
Howard said he has a 100.9 fever and it's sometimes just 100. He said it's really not that bad. Jennifer told him to wipe himself off with a towel and make her laugh.
Howard dsaid Jim Meyer would have felt bad for him. He said Jennifer just wants him to work.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's checking to see if maybe it's allergies. Howard said he doesn't believe in allergies. He said he doesn't have any. The caller said maybe he's been locked up too long and his immune system is taking a hit. Howard said maybe that's it. He said he's allergic to humans.
Howard said he's really bummed out. He said poor Beth has to deal with him saying he thinks this is it. He said he wanted to be straight up with Robin when she texted yesterday. Robin said she felt bad for him. She said she thinks about him having a wonderful time all the time. Howard said never think of him that way.
Howard said he just told her that he's sick and he's not going to be typing to anyone. He said he feels like E.T. at the end of the movie. He said he needs his mausoleum. He said he doesn't even have one yet. He said he has a friend who has one and he wants to be buried above ground too. He said it's happened when people get buried alive. He said doctors don't know what the fuck they're doing. He said he's going to wake up in a casket. He said he doesn't want to go out that way. He said if wakes up in a mausoleum he'll go back to his life. He said he won't be buried under ground. Robin said he doesn't have one yet so he could be buried under ground. Howard said he's leaving Beth enough so she can get one for him. He said just put him in the house above ground. He said he just has to be above ground.
Howard said just recently there was some dude who went to the morgue and he ended up waking up. He said the guy woke up in the morgue. He said it was just a couple of months ago. He said he could have ended up under ground. Howard said the guy was lucky and someone found him.
- Dry Lisa Calls In. 03/29/21. 7:15am
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she wanted to hear how he's feeling. Howard said he shouldn't have gone to get his teeth cleaned. He said they told him he takes really good care of his teeth and he had no tartar. He said they told him he did a great job. He said he didn't even need to go. The caller said she would have walked out. Howard said no she wouldn't.
Howard asked the caller if she's ''Dry Lisa.'' She said she is. Howard said she's the one who called in about her dry vagina. Robin said that didn't stick in her head. Howard asked how her vagina is. Lisa said that it's dry.
Howard said he remembers that she wasn't having sex with her husband. Lisa said that's still the case. Howard said that poor guy. Lisa said she was wondering about a tool Robin mentioned. Robin said it was a dilator. Howard said she sound so lovely that he can't believe that she has a dry vagina. Lisa said it is sad. She said it might not be too dry if life changes a little bit.
Howard said he knew a woman who had a dry vagina who would use that dilator thing and it helped. He said they have to do that to keep their vagina open. Howard said even women who were born a woman can use it. Robin said it can be too small and too tight. Howard said he thinks she's just not turned on by her husband. He said if she was with Brad Pitt she'd be fine. Lisa said maybe he has a point there. She said if her husband was doing the right thing she might be ''Moist Lisa.''
Lisa said that her husband wasn't doing the right thing for her. She said she has friends over all the time and it's like having 5 husbands. She said that her husband wants a divorce. She said he can't take it. She said she took it for more than 27 years. She said he wants a divorce so he's got it. Howard said he has to see a picture of her. Lisa said if he saw a picture of her... she was rambling so Howard gave up on the call and said she's kind of incoherent today. He said he can't take it. He said he's not sure how a guy can be married to her. He said she was driving him crazy. He said he feels like he's in an episode of Laverne and Shirley. He said she was drying out his ears.
Howard said he remembers talking to her and it was kind of interesting. He said not today though. Robin said she doesn't think it went this way last time. Howard said he remembers how interesting it was last time. He said they tried to help her out.
- Tan Mom Presidential Quiz. 03/29/21. 7:25am
Howard said back on President's day they asked Tan Mom about some presidential stuff. He said they have the bit now. He said they asked her what Lincoln was doing when he was assassinated. He said they want to know if she knows what he was doing. Howard said he was at the theater and watching a play. He said they want to know if Tan Mom knows that. Robin said she has to know that.
Howard played the clip of Tan Mom saying that he was chopping wood or he was going to hang someone.
Howard said they asked her who said ''Read my lips, no new taxes.'' Howard said it was George H.W. Bush but will she know that. Robin said she should. Howard said she can't. Howard played her answer and Tan Mom thought it was Trump.
Howard dsaid they asked Tan Mom who the current Vice President is. She said she thinks it's that black lady Kamala Harris. Howard said he didn't know it but she's also Asian and black. Robin said her mother is from India. Howard said he didn't know that was Asian. Robin said yes it is.
Howard said they asked Tan Mom who the current commander in chief is. He wondered if she'll know what that means. Robin said she may think it's a military thing. He played her answer and Tan Mom said there is no commander in chief.
Howard said they asked Tan Mom who the President was after George Washington. Howard said he knows it's John Adams but most people won't know. Howard played her answer and she said it might have been Lincoln. She said she thinks he was before Washington.
Howard said they asked Tan Mom which president was a peanut farmer. Howard played her answer and she knew it was Carter.
Howard said they asked Tan Mom who the first female Vice President was. Robin said she just said her name. Tan Mom didn't know that one.
Howard said that was for President's day. He said he was thinking about how a lot of kids have to learn from their parents so he's thinking her kids are learning that information from her. Robin said she worried about them before but she's really worried about them now.
- Remembering Joey Ramone. 03/29/21. 7:30am
Howard said he has soaked through his shirt already. He said it's so gross. He asked what he's going to do. Robin asked if he called a doctor at all. Howard said he didn't. He asked what he's going to do. Robin said he could have asked a few questions. Howard said Robin is watching him die right in front of her.
Howard said he was watching a Ramones performance on Facebook. He said it was really good. He said Joey Ramone never got a break. He said that he was a really good front man and singer. He said they never had the financial success that some bands enjoy. He said that you have to hear this performance. He played some of the song that he watched on Facebook. The Ramones were covering ''Time Has Come Today.''
Howard said Joey was so great on the show. He said he died at the age of 49. He said it's the anniversary of his death on April 15th. He said Joey took singing really seriously. He said he took lessons and did breathing exercises. He said he really worked hard on that. He said he thinks the guys in the band looked at him like a diva but you have to be like that. He said meanwhile he got sick and died.
Howard said Joey was born with a tumor on his back and it was removed from him just weeks later. He said he was fucked up from birth. He said that led to infections and stuff. Robin said life is weird.
Howard said he's going to take a break. Robin said she feels bad that Facebook knows how he is. She said she doesn't' relate to any of this stuff at all on Facebook. Howard said you have to go and find this stuff. He said he has great videos of rock musicians. He said they know he likes revenge movies too. He said that's all he sees on there. He said that he watches that stuff like it's a TV channel now. Robin said she can't do that. She said she gets thrown out of Facebook from time to time and she's not sure why. She said that when she can't get back in she's not upset about it. She said she's in that period now. She said she's out of Facebook and Instagram. Howard said he knows that Facebook isn't cool but he likes to look at women he wanted to date and see how they aged. He said he sees that he saved himself a lot of aggravation. Howard said he looks like a bus hit him but he thinks that they didn't age well. Robin said she doesn't care about any of that stuff. Howard said he does. He said he likes to see people he wanted to have sex with and people like that. He said then you hit this button every day and he doesn't even know what it's called. He said it basically plays you clips of things they think you'll like. He said there's a lot of great music performances that he likes. He said it's good stuff for him. He said in between those they have clips of people beating each other up from movies. He said that's the stuff he likes to see.
- Bagpipes Ruin Cover Songs Game. 03/29/21. 7:40am
Howard said he has a game to play. He said he hates bagpipes. Robin said she almost took up playing them. She said they're not hard to play. Robin said she thought she could do it. Howard said you should learn guitar or piano. He said that's what women are into. He said he doesn't get when people learned the clarinet. He said he knows Woody Allen knows how to play clarinet. He said he asked Steve Martin why he played banjo and not guitar. He said he's not bad at it though. Robin said George Segal was good at it too. Howard said no one is going to fuck you or suck you off for playing banjo. He said no one is attracted to that or bagpipes.
Howard said he thinks bagpipe is hard to play. Robin said she was told it was easy. Howard said he doesn't get it.
Howard said on St. Patrick's day he was going to do this. He said he has a bunch of bagpipe players ruining great songs. He played a clip and had Robin guess what it was. Robin had no idea. Howard said it's Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne. Robin said that was horrible. Howard played it along with the real song.
Howard said that sound is so bad. Robin said it's awful. Howard played another song and had Robin guess what it was. She had no idea. Howard said it was U2 ''I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For.'' He played the two together.
Howard said the only time he saw bagpipes being used right was in a Billy Joel concert. Robin said she thought he was going to say Joan Rivers funeral. Howard said that was actually good. He said they had the police bagpipe band playing. He said cops really like bagpipes for some reason. He said his uncle Bob was a cop but he was a Jew. He said they wondered what the fuck was wrong with him. He said he got to be a sergeant but they busted his balls because he was a Jew. He said he had been around a while and should have been a captain but there was no way they were going to let that happen. He said they're not looking for Jews to take over the police department. He said his uncle was a great cop. He said there was a guy walking down the street with a machete and swinging it at people. He said his uncle was in a squad car and he told him to put it down and the guy took a swing at him. He said he put 5 right in the guy's belly and that was the end of that guy.
Howard said he was thinking about his uncle and if he liked bagpipes. Robin said he probably did. Howard said he knows a lot of cops love them.
Howard played another bagpipe song and asked if Robin knows that one. Robin said she recognized that one. Howard said she must know that one. Robin said it's ''Sweet Child O' Mine.'' Howard said she got it. He played it along with the real song. Howard said every bagpipe player sounds like he's drunk.
Howard played another song and Robin said that's Rod Stewart. She knew the tune but not the name of the song. Howard said it's ''DO you think I'm Sexy.'' Robin had recited the lyrics so she got it right.
- Real Or Porn Santa Game. 03/29/21. 7:50am
Howard said he had another game called Real or Porn Santa. He said it's too easy. He said he was going to play this at Christmas. He said you have to guess if it's a real one or a fake one in porn. He played a clip of a guy talking and Robin said that's a real Santa. Howard said she's right. Howard said that was too easy.
Howard played a clip and it was obviously a porn Santa. Robin knew it. Howard said she's really good at this. He said the game sounds good on paper.
Howard played another one where a Santa was talking to a woman and it was obviously porn. Robin just laughed.
Howard played another one that Robin got right with a porn Santa. Howard said this is actually not a porn Santa. He said that was a real Santa. He said he has the answer key and he got it wrong.
Howard wrapped up the game and did a live commercial read and then went to break.
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- Ronnie's Psychiatric Evaluation. 03/29/21. 8:00am
After the break they played a song parody about Bobo and Thunderclap Newman's ''Something in the Air.''
Howard came back and sang along with the song that was playing. Howard said that's Thunderclap Newman. Robin asked if he's sure about that. Howard said that's who it is. Robin said she forgot who it was. Howard said he needed a radio name like that. He said she should have been Thunderclap Stern.
Howard asked who is more famous, Human Newman or Thunderclap Newman. He said it might be Human Newman. He said that he's not sure how people come up with their names. He said Stormy Daniels is one he wonders about. He said he's not sure how she came up with that. He said he'd want a cute name and not ''Stormy.'' Robin said maybe it was supposed to depict something about her being wild in bed. Howard said right. He said she must be wild in bed if she fucked Trump. Robin said she's wild. Howard said think about the reality of fucking Trump with that big belly and the golf pants. Howard said that's a rough assignment.
Howard said Andy Thunderclap Newman died in 2009. He said that Eric Clapton helped them get started.
Howard said they gave Ronnie a psychiatric exam and they can talk about that. He said Ronnie has nothing to hide from that. He said that's why they love him. He said he can play that for Robin. Robin said she would love that. Howard said Gary has a bunch of those ''Karen'' clips. He said it's white women who lecture you. Howard said they're super annoying women.
Howard said they have men who are like that too. Gary said they're called Kevins. Robin said she has to know what's going on with Ronnie.
Howard said they figured that Ronnie's life has been tough during quarantine. He said now he's suck inside all day and freaking out. He said the only thing he has all day are his thoughts. He said they know how dangerous that can be. He said he admits he's depressed. He lost a couple of pets and he sees time slipping away. Howard said he gets it. He said that is something to be depressed about. He said they decided to find out what's going on with him mentally.
Howard said they sat Ronnie down with a PhD in clinical psychology and they did it safely. He said he is worried about Ronnie but the doctor had an analysis.
Howard said first up is Ronnie worrying about his fiancee abandoning him for a younger guy some day. He said that's what happened to his father. He played a clip of Ronnie talking about that with the psychologist. Ronnie said his father had a younger woman and she stuck with him but eventually she split. He said that's what he worries about with Stephanie.
Howard said Ronnie is 71 and Stephanie is in her 30s. He said that's a definite concern. Robin said that's because he watched his father go through it. Howard said Ronnie likes to fuck and if he turns 75 and can't function anymore he gets why he's nervous.
Howard played another clip where Ronnie talked about taking things out on Stephanie when something goes wrong. He said she's around so he takes his frustrations out on her verbally. He said he told her the other night to leave him alone because he was in a bad mood.
Howard said he wants her to stay with him in the house but not annoy him. He said they once attended a joint therapy session and it ended in a disaster. He played a clip of Ronnie talking about that mess. Ronnie said that he didn't like the way the therapist talked to him and took Stephanie's side.
Howard said imagine what that must be like. He said he walked in and the woman said hello and he didn't like that. He said within 3 minutes he told her to fuck off and left. He asked what her evaluation could have been. He said she probably told Stephanie to get out of the relationship.
Howard asked Ronnie what could be so bad about the woman saying hello. Ronnie got on and said you had to be there. Robin said she wishes she could have been there. Howard asked if he can do an impression of that. Ronnie said it was a long time ago. He said it just set him off. He said it was okay but her attitude didn't sit right with him. He said then he tried to discuss something with her and she jumped on him like a ton of bricks. He said he thought they were there to talk about things and not have her jump on him.
Howard said it's very unusual for a therapist to meet with the partner. He said that Stephanie must have asked. Ronnie said the therapist asked to meet him. Howard said maybe she thought Stephanie was delusional with the stories she was telling.
Howard asked Ronnie what happened. Ronnie puppet (Fred) said he told her to go fuck herself. Ronnie said he thought she was kind of friendly but the way she came across made it seem like it wasn't going to be a good deal. He said he walked in and sat down and they got into a conversation and right away she jumped on him like a pail of shit. He said it was very uncomfortable. Howard said maybe she just wanted to meet the guy this woman was dating. He said maybe it threw her off. Ronnie said whatever dude. He said it wasn't cool.
Howard said if he had a woman in her 30s who was dating a 70 year old he'd want to meet the guy too. Ronnie said he didn't want to ruin it for her so he walked out. Robin asked if she stuck with that therapist. Ronnie said she still goes to her.
Howard asked what happened when she came out to the car. Ronnie said he apologized and told her why he acted the way he did. He said he explained that to her and Stephanie was fine with it. He said she didn't understand why he stormed out but she understood that he was uncomfortable. Howard said he wonders what she thought of him. Ronnie said he doesn't know and doesn't care.
Howard asked if he ever thinks he's too sensitive. Ronnie said he doesn't know, maybe. He said he felt like he couldn't win in there. He said what he said meant nothing to that woman. Howard asked what they were trying to work out. Ronnie said he'd rather not talk about it. Howard said he's dying to know. He said to get him to go must have been something heavy. Ronnie said Stephanie had a different therapist and he loved her. He said he would call her and talk to her about their issues and it was fine.
Howard asked if Ronnie thinks that she tells this therapist everything about the dildos and all of that. Ronnie said he has no idea. Howard said maybe that's why she wanted to meet him. Ronnie said he has no idea and he never went back to her after that. He said that when Stephanie came out she told her how he felt and that was it. He said they left it at that.
Howard said maybe the issue was Ronnie washing his asshole out in the sink. Ronnie said it wasn't that. Howard said this relationship belongs in a medical journal.
Howard said he has more to play. He said they sent Ronnie to this therapist. Ronnie said he loved that chick. He said they were on Zoom for about an hour and a half.
Howard said there's a moment when he got creepy with the therapist. Howard played the clip and the therapist said that he's been very honest with her. She said she appreciates that and he's probably shared more than he has in other sessions. She thanked him for that. Ronnie said she made him feel comfortable. He said she's hot to look at so maybe that's part of it. He said he's being serious. The therapist asked in what way. Ronnie said it's hard to say. He said it may not have been that cool if she was 80 and wrinkled.
Howard asked if she was that hot. Ronnie said she was like an 8 or 9. Howard said everything with Ronnie is like going to Rick's Cabaret. Ronnie said she was very good about letting him get his stuff out there by himself. He said the more he talked to her the more comfortable he got with her.
Howard asked if the woman that Stephanie goes to is good looking. Ronnie said she's good looking but it was just the way she came across.
Howard said this doctor said this was the first person to ever flirt with her in a session. Ronnie said she just made him comfortable.
Howard said after the session the doctor talked to Wolfie about what happened. The therapist said that she thinks that Ronnie is afraid of being let down and that's where this anger must be coming from. She also said she has never had a patient tell her that she's hot. She said it was unsettling to her. She said it was flattering but unsettling.
Howard said she quit the business shortly after Ronnie. Ronnie said he doesn't think so.
Howard played a clip of the therapist talking about how Ronnie may have a Paranoid Personality Disorder. In the clip she explained what that is and how Ronnie feels that people are out to get him and he goes through life with this underlying feeing of suspicion about people. She said that he operates as if people are out to cause him harm.
Howard said he believes she's right about that. Ronnie said he relates to that. He said his father was like that too. He didn't put much trust in a lot of people. Howard said what a session. Ronnie said he enjoyed it. He said he was very relaxed and calm after that. He said it was really good.
Howard said it would probably be hard for him to go to a good looking woman like that. Ronnie said he's probably right. Howard said he'd be hitting on her all the time. Howard sand Fred did their Ronnie voices and goofed around with that idea.
Ronnie said he wasn't looking at her that way during the session. He said she made him feel really comfortable. Howard did more of his Ronnie voice and talked about the hot therapist. Fred was in on that too.
Howard said he liked how Ronnie said her looks made him feel comfortable. He said he wouldn't have been comfortable with an ugly therapist.
Howard talked about how this was like going to a strip club. He said there used to be a guy in this strip club they went to and he was in there to help guys clean up before going home. He said he'd help get the glitter and stink off before you went home. He said he was called The Doctor. He said they had extra pants and t-shirts for guys to change into. Howard said the guy was at Scores when they went there.
Gary said the guy may have thought he was a real doctor. He said he had prostate issues and this guy gave him some stuff to put in his drink. He said he thought about it on his way home and said here was no way he was going to take that stuff. Howard asked what happened to that guy. Ronnie said he has no idea.
Howard said the guy had all kinds of things he'd do to help you out. Ronnie said they lost touch with that guy when they moved over to Rick's. Howard said they should do a documentary about the guy. He said he was really interesting. Ronnie said that guy made a fortune working there. He said he got great tips. Howard said he must have because he had all of this stuff to help guys out. He said guys must have tipped like $100 when he'd give them new sweat pants.
Ronnie said the guy must have been in his late 20s or early 30s. Howard said he had a lot of fixes for the guys. Ronnie said the guy would tell you if something was wrong and show you what it was. He said he'd check you out and asked if you were going home. He said he made sure you were presentable.
Howard said this guy had all kinds of things like mints and chocolates and then he had the stuff to help with the jizz stains and things like that. He said he could get rid of glitter too. He said they had weight over there so they told Lonnie ''No glitter'' and they made sure there was no glitter. He said that was great. He said that guys don't care about glitter. He said he's not sure why girls wear it. He said it only gets guys into trouble. He said this guy is an interesting story. He said before he knows it he's building up a clientele. He said he has all of this going on and it's quite remarkable. Ronnie said he'd even sell you one cigarette. He said he had his own little store set up in there.
Howard said he remembers the guy and he was ready to work. He said he doesn't get the glitter thing. Ronnie said that the dresses the girls would wear had it on them and it would come off. He said glitter isn't a thing that much anymore.
Howard said you have to go home after all of that to be a father. Robin said you had to go home to dinner. Ronnie said they'd have the parties and you'd walk out and it was 3 in the afternoon. He said you walk out and can't even see because you were in the dark so long. He said it was like opening the lid to a coffin.
Gary said that they would be done at 3 in the afternoon. He said the guys would be hammered too. He said Mary saw a homeless guy sleeping on the corner and it turned out to be Ralph. Robin said she passed him on that day too. She said she remembers that. Howard said that Ralph was on the street sleeping and he wondered why he did that. He said he thought maybe he was drinking too much. Gary said he found his way to the station but not quite. He said he was kind of slouched down with his hoodie up and he was just missing that sign that says he needs money for food. Howard said he was right outside the station. Robin said he was around the corner.
Howard said he has to thank Ronnie for sharing his therapy session. He said he'd like to hear more of that. Ronnie said he would do that. Howard asked if it was harder knowing that they were taping it. Ronnie said not really. He said she was great.
Howard replayed the clip where Ronnie told the therapist how hot she is. Howard replayed the clip of the therapist talking about how uncomfortable that was for her to hear.
Howard said Ronnie must hear ''comfortable'' when she said that she felt uncomfortable. Ronnie said at the end of the session they were talking and it was really good. Robin asked why she said she was uncomfortable. Ronnie said that's not his problem. He said maybe Wolfie made her uncomfortable with his voice.
Howard took a call from Pocket who said that this is all pretty funny but how many times do you need to hear that Ronnie is crazy and Sal is stupid. Howard said she didn't say crazy. He said he's got a paranoid personality disorder. Howard let Pocket go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he digs it when Ronnie is on the show but with all that's going on in the last 4-6 years how does he not get that women don't want to hear that they're hot in a clinical setting. He asked how he doesn't get it. He said she said it was unsettling and uncomfortable. He said her voice cracked because she was in fear. Ronnie said everyone is a psychiatrist or psychologist. He said people like this need more therapy than he'll ever need. He said all he's doing is calling into this show. The caller said he works 50 hours a week. He said he just told him that he likes him. Ronnie said he doesn't give a fuck if he likes him. He said he doesn't have to. Howard said he likes that his security guy has this personality disorder.
The caller said what Ronnie did is what's wrong with our culture. Ronnie said yeah, he's the one ruining the whole culture. Howard said he's the only patient who ever told her she was hot. Ronnie said he's glad.
The caller asked if Nick Cannon asked if he can use his fist logo on his Podcast. Howard said he has no idea. He said that fist isn't his. He said Nick can have it, it's fine.
Howard said he sees that Apples is on the phone and has a legitimate question for him. Ronnie said that's fine. Howard took the call and Apples asked if Ronnie if he eats a lot of fast food. He said he's basing this on his Instagram feed. Howard asked what he's saying. He asked if he sees a lot of fast food in the Instagram. Ronnie said he's going to stop him there. He said he's been blocked from Stephanie's feed. He said he's getting this from other people. He said Stephanie eats McDonald's. He said she brings it home. He said he doesn't eat it himself. He said now stay out of his fucking life.
Apples brought up something else she was up to and Howard said he has to go. He said he has no idea what he's talking about. Ronnie said there was something she was doing with TikTok and leggings or something and dancing around the house. He said this guy is so obsessed with his house it's unbelievable.
Howard took a call from Bobo who told Apples to leave Ronnie alone already. He said it's enough. He said stop it already because he's embarrassing himself.
Apples asked if they have seen Bobo's disturbing goatee. Howard asked why he has a goatee. Bobo said that's his look. He said he likes the way he looks. Apples said it's like a chin strap goatee. Robin said she can't wait to see this. Howard said someone said that he bleached it like Guy Fieri and he has no idea who that is. Robin said he's a cook. Bobo said he does his own thing. He said he didn't copy him.
Howard saw a picture of Bobo and said that really is disturbing. He asked where people can see this. Apples said he must put some dye in here. Howard said he died it all black except a strip in the middle. He said that's not natural. Bobo said the grey is. Howard said he left that grey spot. He said it's like a pencil thin goatee and its dyed jet black until you get to the chin area. He said it's a tiny area hanging down. He said that's why America is so weak. He said men are spending time on their facial hair. Bobo said he had his shaved head so he's trying to change things up. Howard asked why. Bobo said he's just experimenting with different looks. Robins said this one went wrong.
Howard said this thing looks so odd. He said it's pencil thin and then there's jet black and this tiny grey patch. He said it looks odd. Ronnie said if he had a little piece under his lip it would look a lot better. He said it goes too far.
Howard said women must look at it like he's too busy with that facial hair. He said it's so unnatural looking. He said if he were a woman he'd wonder what's wrong with that guy.
Howard said the guys are all saying that he definitely ripped of this Guy Fieri guy. Ronnie said it's just a weird thing. Howard said what a dumb look to rip off. He said it's not like Guy is ever going to look good. Robin said Guy figured he will never look good so he just looks funny. Howard said Bobo is making all the wrong choices.
Howard asked Apples to leave Ronnie alone now. He let him go after that. Ronnie said the guy asked his followers to watch their social media stuff so he can report on it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wants to defend Ronnie. He said that guy Apples is really weird. He said he might have a case there to call a private eye or something. Howard said he should call someone. The caller said Apples looks like a big serial killer or something. Howard said he has a Ronnie and Apples song parody. He played that.
- Various Calls And Dry Lisa Is Into Ronnie. 03/29/21. 9:05am
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she is obsessed by Ralph being passed out on the corner. She said that Robin just kept going. Robin said she was in a car. She said she wasn't driving. She said she was just looking and saw him there. She said she didn't think to stop. Howard said no one who saw him out there stopped that day. The caller said that's so funny. She said poor Ralph. Howard said Robin isn't going to stop her car and help Ralph. Robin said she didn't think he was dead or anything. She said she didn't think long about it after she passed him. she said she went on with her business.
Howard said it is weird that no one thought to check on him. Robin said he seemed to be fine but just sleeping on the street.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's no big fan of Apples but Bobo is giving advice about following Ronnie but he showed up to the hospital when Howard's kid was born. Howard said that was one of the creepiest things to happen in his life. He said he's had a lot of creepy things happen and doesn't talk about it. He said Bobo showed up with his parents at the hospital. He said his parents are so strange that they said they didn't want to be rude to the man. He said that his father too.
Robin said her mother would give out her number to people who called asking for it. She said that she could have said no but she didn't. Howard said you don't have to give it out though. Howard said Bobo is a lunatic. He said he's not sure what was going on that day. He said he didn't know Bobo at that point. He said he thinks he knows him but he didn't know who he was. He said his kids told him not to go but he showed up anyway.
Howard said that woman Dry Lisa is into Ronnie. He said the guys were telling him that. Ronnie said he's sure he could get her wet. Howard said he probably could. Howard said that would be a great bit on the show. He asked if he could get her there without touching her. Ronnie said he thinks he could.
Howard got Dry Lisa back on the phone and said she wouldn't take him from Stephanie. She said that Ronnie is a good looking guy. She said she's listening and she's not sure why they bust his balls. Howard said she told the guys that she thinks he'd be good at oral sex. Lisa said yes she did. She said she thinks he's very experienced and she thinks he'd be good. Ronnie said he could get her to cum without eating her pussy out. He said he'd eat her asshole. He said she'd cum like the moon. He said one afternoon with him she'd want to be fucking all the time.
Howard said that she's really into Ronnie. He said he's already gotten her wet. Lisa was asking if she can get evaluated by this woman who evaluated Ronnie. Howard said she's normal. Lisa said no one is normal.
Howard asked Lisa if Ronnie came over to her one afternoon would she be into it. Lisa said she would. Howard said he has to know what she looks like. Howard said he heard that she lost like 70 pounds. Lisa started yelling at her dog. She said she knew something was up when she came back into the house. She was rambling again so Howard said he has to get her back on track.
Howard said that they need to see a picture of this woman. He asked how old she is. Lisa said she's over 40. Howard asked her to be up front. Lisa said she's over 40. Howard said she has to say. She said she's 50. Howard asked if she said 60. Lisa said she's 50 going on 80. Howard asked if she'd let Ronnie do his thing with her. She said he's not coming over. Ronnie said he's coming alright.
Howard took call from Lisa's dog who said she's crazy and fucking insane. Howard said they'll check with Stephanie and find out if it's okay with her that Ronnie can lick her asshole. Lisa said alright. She sounded like she didn't believe he was coming over.
Howard let Lisa go and said they have Dry Connie on now. The caller was like Dry Lisa but it was a guy doing a female voice talking about this dry vagina thing.
Howard said Ronnie has turned into quite a stud. He said he guarantees that Ronnie could get that Lisa wet. He said he believes that. He said Ronnie is good. He said he's patient too. He said even if she thinks she can't do something like anal he'd just take his time with her. Ronnie said you just get them relaxed and let them watch some TV and get into it. Howard said he lets his cock rest on her asshole. Ronnie said that the pre-cum drips in there and lubes it up.
Howard said they gave Ronnie an advice segment and he has some advice on what a woman should do if she's not into fingering. In the clip Ronnie said that some women aren't into that and the guy should find another area to rub instead of fingering her. He said he had a girl who loved getting fingered really fast. He said this woman may want to try that.
Howard said he's like a creepy Ann Landers. Ronnie said that's fun taking questions from the fans. Howard asked what he did with that girl with the fast fingering. Ronnie said the faster you went the more she'd blow her load. He said she'd cum even more if you went even faster. He said if your hands are in water a to you get wrinkled fingers. He said his middle finger would wind up being like that. He said she'd be drenched.
Ronnie said this was like being a machine with his finger going in and out. He said it was nuts. Howard asked why he left her. Ronnie said that was his first love and she was on fire. He said she was the one who went to the all girls catholic school.
Ronnie said one time they were at her house and her brother and sister were supposed to be out. He said they came home when they were in her bedroom. He said he hid in her closet and she came running in and got him out of the house. He said he was like 14-15 years old at the time. Howard said he must have been able to fuck like 15 times a day back then. Ronnie said he can do it like twice a day now. He said they do it at night before bed and sometimes in the morning. He said it's like 7-8 hours later. Howard said he has an unbelievable libido.
Robin asked if Ronnie ever had a drought. Ronnie said he would beat off a lot. He said that he never really had a drought. He said he was with her for a while and they were on and off a lot. He said then he had a girlfriend at 16-17.
Howard asked if he was really in her wet pussy so long that his finger was wrinkled. Ronnie said she loved it.
Howard said he has the woman on the phone who Ronnie fingered. It was Chris Wilding doing his Blue Iris voice as ''Mildred.'' She said in her old age she got Parkinson's disease and she can't stop shaking now. She said Ronnie was a great lover but now she's really fucked up. she said she feels like he's still in there.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he'd like to thank that caller who pointed out that Robin didn't stop. He said that was really odd that she didn't stop. He asked why that is. Robin said it was in Manhattan. Howard asked why he was sleeping on the street. Ralph said he was stupid drunk and he was in the area of the station where he was parked. He said he had to go to the bank and after he got his money he sat in the bank and passed out there. He said they threw him out and he passed out on the street. Howard said imagine what he was drinking to pass out like that. Ralph said those were great times back then. Robin said she knew what they had done that day. She said that Ralph was there sleeping on the street. Howard said no one stops for any reason in Manhattan if you're driving.
Howard thanked Ronnie for the updates. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
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- TV Show Discussions. 03/29/21. 9:40am
After the break they played Beck's ''Loser'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said he was watching that TV show on Disney called ''The Winter Soldier and something...'' Jon said it's the Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Howard said he's never heard of them. He said anything super hero he'll watch. He said that one thing they do is put in endings in the credits. He said he's not sure what they call that. Robin said sometimes it's a preview of the future movies. He said he's watching that show and he's not sure if he should keep watching it. He said he's not sure if he's going to miss something. He said he doest think it's that big a deal but someone has to explain it to him.
Howard said he remembers going to movie theaters and he went by himself once. He said he just wanted to get out but he had to sit and watch the credits. He said he thought he might miss something. He said he's not sure why they do that. He said if they have something good just put it in the movie.
Howard said there's no reason for him to sit through the credits. He said he paid good money for the movie. He said he was watching the credits in the TV show and he didn't see anything. He said there was nothing there. He said it's so annoying.
Robin said she tried the Superman and Lois show but she wasn't that into it. She said it was mediocre. She said it's the same thing that they've seen before. Howard said it's a new story. Robin said it's not the same story but it's about the same thing. She said that they should just be happy about their fucking powers. She said she's tired of that story. Howard said it's not the same story. Robin said there was another show where a super hero had two kids and one had powers and one didn't. She said it's the same thing.
Robin said there was a Gilligan's Island Marathon on MeTV and it was so dumb but so funny. She said she didn't realize how stupid the show was.
Howard said he's been watching The Walking Dead and it's really good this season. He said he likes American Idol too. Howard said someone passed out on the show. He said she went down like Fred did at his Bachelor Party.
Howard said Lionel Ritchie and that Luke guy went up on stage. He said they do that on reality shows to make people feel better. He said that Howie Mandel would bolt up on stage before he had the chance to. He said Howie was right up there. He said that you had to be quick. He said those are the best reality TV moments when you give advice. He said in the final season he was on he saw a guy back stage looking upset about something so he went over and told him to hang in there. He said he knew the camera guy was there with him and he thought they would use it. He said they never aired it. He said he's not sure what happened there. He said maybe they showed it but it was condensed. He said people love it when you pretend to care.
Howard said he remembers Howie running on stage. He said he must have had motorized shoes. He said on reality shows when they talk about letting someone go they talk about people and they don't really talk about anyone specific. He said they'd just pre-record stuff and cut it in. Robin said she remembers watching the last week that Conway girl was on and they were talking like that. Howard said he didn't like talking like that but that's the way they did it. He said there are certain moments when the camera is on and you see someone in trouble and you have to bolt on stage. He said at times it looked like musical chairs. He said Mel B would run up there too.
Howard said in his final season he didn't get up for anything. He said he was done by then. He said he wasn't moving out of his chair. He said he wanted to be the judge that didn't do anything. He said one time he tried to get camera time and Howie tackled him and got up on stage before him.
Howard said Mel B and Heidi eventually started going on stage. He said he was like ''fuck this.'' Robin said Nick Cannon would get that occasionally. Howard said Nick was good at it. He said that was his strength. He said he used to think that it would be so great if Howie, Heidi and Mel B got into a fight and started tackling each other.
Howard said this woman on American Idol passed out. He said people were criticizing Katy Perry for not running up there but she just had a baby. He said that Luke and Lionel can't do anything. He said they just wanted to look like heroes. He said Lionel came down and told the girl who was standing there that he knows she was shook up but she has to hang in there. He said he gave her a lecture. He said Lionel and Luke were like the Three Stooges when they were pretending to be doctors. He said they weren't able to do anything for that girl.
Robin said she knows they were talking to the dad to go give the girl a hug. Howard said Katy wasn't able to do anything for the girl so she stood there. He said he doesn't get why people were upset with her. Robin said she saw Katy crawling across the floor for something. She said she was on her hands and knees crawling in. Robin said that Luke Bryan called her to come over and she had him get on her back and ride her or something. Howard said he fast forwards through that stuff. He said they wanted him to do that on America's Got Talent. He said he didn't want to do it. He said he didn't think anyone gave a shit. He said Katy will pretend to be a pony and ride people around.
Howard said he had to get out of that show. He said he can't try to get attention like the other judges did. He said that Katy could give Howie a run for his money. He said that Howie would have something planned and they would ask him to react to it. He would say no.
Howard said that he hated doing the bits on America's Got Talent. He said he was hired to be a judge so that's the job he wanted to do. He said he wasn't seen as a team player. He said Simon Cowell got his job back after he said he would do all of that. Howard said he wanted to be the guy who didn't react to that stuff. He said they saw him as being belligerent. He said he had an image to protect so he told them that. He said it doesn't go with his general attitude on his radio show. He said they didn't want to hear that.
Howard said he didn't want to be included in all of that stuff. He said he wanted to sit there and be the guy who was too cool for the room.
Howard said when he joined America's Got Talent Piers Morgan had pranks pulled on him by Howie. He said he pulled Howie aside and told him if he did that to him he'd punch him in his nose so hard that he'd die. He said he warned him that this would happen. He said he's a Howie Mandel fan but he's not going to let him prank him. He said he knows he would have punched him out if he had pulled the pranks he pulled on Piers. He said he would go for the nose because that's what he learned in Karate class. He said that he's not going to see the humor in it. He said he and Howie had no problem after that.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that was the show when they would come to him with stupid ideas. He said it was great when he didn't go along with it. He said that they had a bit where Howie hired a Mariachi band to bother him. He said that was like a nightmare. Howard said Howie thought that they should have this shtick where he annoys him. He said Howie didn't annoy him though. He said if he had taunted him he would have punched him out. He said that would have been funny to do on the show.
Howard said they'd come in and ask him to do bits when he was about to eat. Howard said that was the worst time to ask him. He said he was eating stuff he doesn't like because he's trying to keep his with off. He said his life is a misery. Ralph laughed and said he was so miserable. Howard said he really was.
Howard said he liked the judging but he had to leave that show. He said he had to wait around all day. He said everything was a problem. He said he didn't want to be there. He said he'd had enough. Robin said they had to do setups for the bits they did. Howard said they had to wait for the water skiing squirrel to do it at night. He said he just wanted to go home.
Howard said the other talent loved him because he moved them after. He said one day they were outside and he said he was leaving at 5 even though they wanted to shoot after sunset. He said they can shoot he show without him if they have to. He said meanwhile he's waiting 7 hours in the cold for some guy to shoot himself out of a canon.
Robin said the one time she was there they were setting up for a bunch of guys to drive a bus into a concrete wall. She said that took a lot of setup.
Howard said they could have just been judges and judged. He said they were wasting time with the other stuff. He said no one cares. Robin said she's glad he gave that up. She said it wasn't good for him. Howard said it's better that he's not on that show.
- Fan Feedback. 03/29/21. 10:10am
Howard said he should go. He said he has to get better. He said that he has a lot of email to read. Robin said she has to find out if Benjy and Sal are on Venmo so she can send them money for their bets. Howard said Gary lost to Jon Hein in Stump the Booey. He said they got a lot of feedback about that. Howard said Gary did say that he's not as quick as he used to be. He said the guy is 60 now. He said this is the age people start dropping dead.
Howard read some fan feedback about their discussions about Jeopardy and someone said he should be the host. Howard said that's the last thing he needs in his life.
Howard said people were writing in about how he's too hard on Gary. He said come on. He read some of that feedback where people told him to lay off of Gary. Howard said Gary needs his help to be a better employee. Howard said he and Gary are both devoted to each other. He said that they're fine.
Howard said finally they had a lot of feedback about Sal. He read some of the mail they got about Sal and how wacky he sounded last week. Howard said someone explained that it's a new transactional religion that Sal is getting into. Howard said most of the mail was about what an idiot Sal is.
Howard said he can actually get in touch with Sal in an alternate universe where Sal is a genius. He said they're able to contact alternate universes. He said the strangest thing is that he found a genius Sal. He took the call from genius Sal in the alternate universe. Genius Sal said in his world he's working on a nuclear fusion device and it will be prevalent everywhere there when it's done. He said that his partner Richard can taste alcohol through his anus and that's genius.
Howard asked Genius Sal about being caught doing something that embarrassed him in his office one night. Howard asked if he was masturbating. Sal said he wasn't, he was working on a COVID cure in his spare time.
Howard said Dumb Sal has some out there views on the after life and how the dead leave dimes for you. Genius Sal said that it's more likely that people drop dimes because they're small and practically worthless. Howard said Sal also said that he levitated in his bed. Genius Sal said he's thinking that it was actually something they call ''Dreaming.'' Howard said he's going to let Genius Sal go. Sal said he's going to call a Pizzeria if he wants to listen in. Howard said he'd love that. Sal called in and ordered a pizza and that was it. Sal said that was hilarious. Howard said that's Genius Sal. He asked where the prank was in there. Genius Sal said he's picking up the pizza but they're still going to get a tip. Howard said he's somehow missing dumb Sal. He said it turns out he hates both of them.
Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 10:20am.
