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Howard started off the show saying that this was a 'live' show after having a week off. He said that the weather was nice there in New York on Memorial Day Weekend. He said he woke up and there was no Fred there so it was a bit different for him not seeing Fred around him for the whole week.
Howard said he read a book over vacation, called ''The Kite Runner,'' and it was given to him by Artie's girlfriend Dana. He said the book was so good that he read it all in one day. He got obsessed with it and had to finish it in a day. Robin also read the book so she talked about it with Howard. Howard's only complaint was that there were no pictures in the book. He said he would have put some in there if he had written it.
Artie mentioned that there was a book that he read about Hank Aaron that was really good. Howard mentioned that there's a book about Babe Ruth out now too. Artie has that one as well. That book is called ''The Big Bam : The Life and Times of Babe Ruth'' and they claim that Babe's nickname as a child was ''nig*** lips.'' Fred played a clip from the audio book for that book and that got the guys talking about how they don't believe the claims because they have no way of knowing if Babe was called the N-word more than Jackie Robinson was.
The woman said that Las Vegas is a tipping town and that's what people live off of out there. Howard was bored by her call and told her that so she snapped and went off on him saying that maybe he's cheap and she hit on a nerve. Howard called her an annoying cunt and hung up on her.
The guys spent some time talking about tipping out in Vegas and how everyone is looking for money out there. Artie said if he wins at a table while playing cards or something, he'll tip the dealer. If he loses though, he won't give the guy a tip.
Howard said that people expect money from him just because of who he is. He claims that he does tip well and the claims that he doesn't just aren't true.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's kind of tired of them taking vacation every week. Howard said that they've taken less vacation here than they did at terrestrial radio. They don't take off every week, that's ridiculous.
Howard said he was listening to the Ralph Roast while they were on vacation and got some ideas for what he wants to do on Thursday night when they tape the Artie Roast. He said they're going to do a second show on Thursday night where they roast Artie and that show will be replayed on Friday morning.
Howard played the audio of Miss Howard Stern singing along to some country song. He said that she was really drunk that morning after drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels. Robin said she saw that on Howard TV and saw that Andrea just downed the whole bottle of Jack. Howard said that it's interesting how well she knew that song and how it shows that music makes for a great teaching tool. If they had just written those lyrics down on a piece of paper, she would never learn them.
A woman called in and said that she believes that Howard is a good tipper and he's probably better than Paul Simon even though she's never served him before. She was basing that by the money he makes so she had no proof of that.
Howard took another call from a woman who asked Howard to play a clip that she hasn't heard lately that they played pretty early on. Howard said he'd see what he could do. She was telling Howard how she convinced her husband to get SIRIUS after he said he was going to get XM. That led to Howard talking about how SIRIUS is gaining on XM in how well they're known. He said they're claiming that it's because of him that people know SIRIUS better now.
Robin said that Martha Stewart is going to be on QVC selling SIRIUS radios soon and that's what Howard wanted to do months ago. Howard said Martha should be on there because tons of women that watch QVC love Martha.
Howard found the audio clip that the caller had suggested. It was a preacher who was complaining about lesbians and how it's ruining our society because his son wasn't able to get a date to his prom. That led to Howard and the guys goofing on the preacher saying that it's probably his son, not the lesbians, that's the problem. The preacher seemed to be a bit confused because he was talking about ass play while talking about lesbians.
Howard said he knows that people are going to get pissed because nothing was really going on in the episode. He figures that people will watch the final 8 episodes when they start up later in the year though. The guys spent a few minutes talking about how much they've liked this season. Howard said he'd like to get Julianna Margulies on the phone to ask her if that was really her body in that episode. He doesn't need her for a full interview, just a quick phone call to ask her about that.
Howard said he likes that show even if nothing big happened in that episode. Artie said he wants to see more every week after watching the show. He can't get enough of it. Robin said she doesn't understand why Tony continues to go to therapy after everything that's gone on. Howard said that James Gandolfini has gained a lot of weight. He's getting scary fat now.
JD came in and said that the best thing on the episode was AJ's new hot girlfriend. Since JD was in Robin brought up the fact that he was down in Hedonism before they left for vacation. Gary was saying that he talked to JD about the trip and he was acting all goofy as usual while explaining what went on down there. JD said it wasn't so easy to get laid down there. All he got was a hand job.
Artie went into his preacher impression that he was doing earlier and goofing on JD a bit. Gary said that JD was telling him about how a porn chick wanted to hook up with him but he didn't think she could really be into him. Then when they were leaving, he figured out that she was really into him but it was too late because the trip was over. Howard replayed the audio of the preacher going off on Lesbians and goofed on JD a little more.
Artie said that JD couldn't get laid if he was in a female prison with a pack of cigarettes. He was still doing his preacher impression. Howard asked JD about the second hand job that JD got down there at Hedonism. JD was trying to share but he doesn't tell the best stories. He made it sound like it was a tragedy when he got the hand job.
Howard said they had a picture of JD up on the web site and some people thought it was disgusting that he was getting that done to him down there. Gary said that JD doesn't want to do any work to get laid, he just wants a woman who wants to fuck him to come and do him without him doing any work. He asked JD if he dropped the show name and tried to get laid down there. JD said he did give it a try but it wasn't so easy to find single chicks down there.
JD said that it was worth going down to Hedonism because he got to see a lot of stuff. It was also his first trip outside of the United States. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and took some phone calls. One guy said that JD dropped the ball down there at Hedonism but wasn't making a lot of sense so Howard hung up on him. Another guy asked for tickets to the Artie Roast but Howard didn't have any to give him.
A phone caller told Howard he saw David Spade at some fight with some bottles of booze that he got from his hotel room or something. Spade was at an Ultimate Fighting Championship fight and they caught him on camera drinking out of some tiny booze bottles. Howard said he thinks he's on the outs with Spade right now because of the stuff that went on with the Time magazine article that Spade wrote about him. He tried to explain to Spade why he said what he said but Spade hasn't called him back since then.
Howard said that some of the good stuff on ''The Sopranos'' last night was the use of the music. Howard was saying that it's not that easy to get the rights to use some songs in movies and TV shows. He said he wanted to use a Jimi Hendrix song in his movie in a scene where he was smoking pot but the Jimi Hendrix foundation wouldn't allow it. They would let them use the song but not in a drug scene.
Howard said he had a guy in a FedEx truck pull up next to him the other day and told him he was loving the replay of the Ralph roast. Howard said that's what the SIRIUS TV commercial should have been instead of the dopey concept they're using for the commercials that are airing now.
Fred played Rolling Stones song that Howard really liked while they were talking about how great the use of music is in The Sopranos. They were also talking about the use of music in movies and other TV shows. Sometimes the music fits perfectly with the scenes that they're used in.
Artie said he was hanging out with some music industry people over the vacation and asked them what they look for in bands today. They all said that the people have to be pretty, that's all they look for. Howard had to go to a commercial break a short time later.
Howard said that he read that Ian was telling people that when he was working for Page Six, if they didn't like a certain celebrity, they would just bash them by printing stories about them. These days when they write about Paris Hilton, they call her ''Celeb-u-tard.'' That's the kind of stuff they do to people. Howard said that's why he doesn't ever want to cross Richard Johnson.
Ian was telling a story about how someone wanted him kicked out of a party one time because they thought he was eavesdropping. It was Ben Affleck's publicist who wanted him kicked out so he ended up ripping on Ben until Ben called him and explained that it was his publicist who was being the asshole that night.
Howard said that Richard Johnson was picked up for drunk driving over the weekend and he won't even talk about that. Artie asked Howard who he would rather bash if he had to do it for an hour, John Gotti Jr. or Richard Johnson. Howard said he would probably kill himself before bashing either one of them.
Artie asked Ian why they make certain people famous like this guy who was dating Kate Moss. He's not well known but putting him in the paper makes him famous. Ian said they do that on purpose to point out what these people really are.
Ian was saying that there are some people who could have kept bad stories out of the paper if they had just done what they were asked. Howard said that could be considered extortion if they were asking for money to keep stories out of the paper. Ian said that's not exactly what happened though. Ian was going off on some of the people who work for Page Six. He was also saying that he wasn't allowed to write negative comments about certain things when he was working at Page Six because they're run by Newscorp. He said he wasn't able to write negative things about the FCC or about certain people because that's the type of business they are.
Howard read that Ian was once told not to write anything negative about Nicole Kidman because she was dating someone who was related to someone who worked for the company. Ian told Howard that the ugly picture that they used to use for Howard over at Page Six was deleted by someone over there so they couldn't use it anymore. There are people there who like Howard and would do things like that for him.
Howard gave Ian another plug for his book ''Welcome to Yesterday : A Novel'' and wrapped up with him a short time later.
Robin asked Howard another hypothetical question about who he would bash if he was forced to do it... would it be Mike Walker or Richard Johnson. Howard said he would probably go after Mike Walker because he's not as viscous as Richard Johnson is.
The guys eventually found the channel and checked out Imus in his cowboy outfit. Howard described what he was seeing. Imus was at his cancer ranch and doing an interview with people who were at his studio in New York. Howard said that Imus has really aged because his neck is really wrinkly. He said that Imus has a bad hair cut with a bad tapestry behind him at the ranch. They kept cutting away from him while he was trying to watch.
Robin said she heard Imus talking about his iPod and how he wasn't able to hook it up. Howard figures that Imus is trying to stay contemporary so that's why he's talking about his iPod. He was also saying that people are afraid of pissing off Imus even though he's got a 2 share in the morning. Howard said that SIRIUS has over 4 million subscribers right now and they already have more of an audience than a show like ''The View'' has every morning. Their audience is probably bigger than the audience that watches The Tonight Show. Gary said that hasn't been a problem as far as booking guests. No one has questioned that part of the show when they try to book guests. Howard said that Imus is on a ton of stations but he probably doesn't even have 4 million listeners.
Howard also watched an episode of The View last week and said that Jennifer Aniston was on and just won't reveal anything. She still won't say that she's dating Vince Vaughn and she kept playing with her hair. He said he's got a great drinking game from that show. He said that people could drink each time Jennifer pushed back her bangs and they'd have a great game there.
Howard got on the subject of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie after talking about Jennifer Aniston. He said that Brad's fun is all over now that he's had a baby with Angelina. She won't even let him go promote a movie, he has to stay home and take care of the kids. He doesn't believe that he's in love and wants to stay home taking care of the kids.
Howard told Gary to get Kathy Griffin in there so he could ask her about this D-list show of hers. He thought he might have to take a break but Fred told him to just go for it and screw the break. Kathy came in a short time later so Howard said that someone was trying to compare her face with Nicole Bass' face and now that he sees Kathy, he feels that she's much more feminine.
Howard asked Kathy who she thinks is on this D-list that she talks about. She mentioned names like Mario Lopez, Darva Conger and Coolio as just a few. She said that Coolio is a list jumper though because he can be a D-list or move up when he's got a hit song. Howard asked Kathy if she thinks Roseanne is an A-list celebrity. Kathy believes that she is. Howard said he just spoke to Roseanne last night on the phone and talked to her about her going on the road to do comedy again.
Howard asked Kathy how long ago she got married because he wanted to know more about the guy's weight loss. She said it was about 6 years ago. After they got married he blew up and got really fat. He eventually went on a diet and lost over 100 pounds and then they filed for divorce. Howard wondered if he was going out and getting laid after losing the weight. Kathy didn't want to say what went on because her show premieres tomorrow night and she doesn't want to talk about that stuff yet.
Kathy eventually broke down and said that she and Matt are technically divorced now. Howard asked her more about that but she didn't want to get into too many details. Kathy said that she is divorced from Matt but they have reconciled and they are living together again. That works for them and that's the way they're going to keep it for now.
Kathy said she doesn't want to talk about that stuff too much because her husband isn't in show business. Robin said that he's on TV with her though. She said he fixes computers for a living though. Howard asked Kathy about her relationship with Brooke Shields since she got into a fight a while back. Kathy said that Brooke hates her now.
Howard said he'd like to know what's going on with her and her husband. Kathy said that she will talk about it some day but not now. Her new show starts on Bravo tomorrow night and the show isn't about that. Howard kept trying but he wasn't getting any information out of her.
Howard asked Kathy about her eye since she claims to have lost vision after having Lasik surgery. She said she's lost 30 percent of the vision in her right eye and she's going around telling people about the dangers of the surgery. Howard asked Kathy about the new season of ''The D-List'' and let her get in some plugs for the Bravo show.
Howard asked Kathy why she won't go on the Tonight Show these days. She said that Jay banned her from the show after the way he was portrayed on her show last year. She said that she broke down and cried after he made a comment about her and they showed that on her show. She said she's also banned from David Letterman's show and even The View. She thinks that she might be banned from that show because of the Star Jones material she uses in her act. She also claims that she's banned from Ellen Degeneres' show now as well because of the way she bashes other celebrities.
Kathy once tried to call into the Ryan Seacrest show one time but he hung up on her when she asked him about the picture of him and Teri Hatcher. She said that Ryan was trying to get her going by talking about her plastic surgery and stuff. She said she then asked him about the Teri Hatcher picture and he hung up on her. She said that the picture looks like girl on girl action to her and he looks very unnatural while kissing a woman. Kathy explained what she said to Ryan and how he got upset about that and ended up hanging up on her. She said she could picture Ryan sitting there with his baby rattle and crying about how it was his show. She said that Ryan told her that he wasn't going to let her talk about his friends and hung up on her. She claims that she really doesn't care that she's banned from all of these shows.
Kathy told Howard about the shows she did in Iraq for the troops with a few of her friends. She said they did take some mortar fire while they were over there and she could feel the explosions. Howard said he would get his ass out of there quick if something like that happened to him.
Howard wrapped up with Kathy and gave her a plug for her web site KathyGriffin.net. Robin was very confused by her marriage and tried to figure out what was going on there but it seemed to confuse her more when she asked about it. Artie said that he couldn't care less about her marriage or about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. None of that interests him at all. Howard seemed to think that Kathy's strange marriage was very interesting.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Kathy if she was wearing panties. She said she was wearing pants but no panties this morning. She said she shaves down some of her bush but not all of it. She also said that the carpet matches the drapes as well. She said that some people would call that the ''fire crotch.''
One caller asked Kathy if she would wipe her snatch with a paper towel and then mail it to him. She said she would do that for him so Howard put him on hold so they could take his name and address. Another caller asked if she would take him in her back door. She said she would do that as well. The next caller said that Kathy's husband came off as a bit of a douche last season on her show. He described the guy as having big baloney tits and stuff like that. He asked Kathy if she ever licked those big sausage tits. She said she did do that.
Howard wanted to see Benjy's sausage tits since he's got pretty big ones. He told Kathy to lick those things while he had them out. Howard thought the guy who asked for her to wipe her snatch and put it into a zip-lock bag was great.
Howard talked about Kathy's Lasik surgery and said that he would never mess with his eyes. He said he actually likes being able to take off his glasses and not be able to see anything. He said he does that at restaurants so he doesn't have to see the other people there.
Howard had the audio from Ryan Seacrest's show where he hung up on Kathy. He played that clip and Ryan told Kathy that he wasn't going to let her be mean to his friends and just hung up on her. Kathy said that his people called her back a few days later and said that she was spreading a rumor that he had hung up on her. She said that he did hang up on her but they edited it to make it sound like he didn't. Howard wrapped up and went to break shortly after that.
Howard said that he saw Nelly Furtado on Saturday Night Live over the weekend and she was looking pretty good in the belly shirt and low cut jeans.
Howard mentioned that Doug Goodstein's wife Marlo is pregnant and he saw that coming when Doug announce that he was moving out to Long Island. Doug came in a short time later. Artie wasn't aware that Doug's wife was Jewish so he was surprised when Howard said that she was. Doug said they'll find out in a couple of weeks what they're having.
Howard congratulated Doug but told him he's going to be in a living hell for a while. Doug said he's got so much going on right now in his life that it's crazy. He said he just sold his apartment and now he's trying to find a house but it's not that easy. Howard said Doug is looking in Syosset but he tried telling Doug that it's not a good place for Jews. Doug said that there are a lot of Asians moving into the area right now and that makes the schools better and better.
Howard said that Syosset was known as ''Israel light'' years ago. Doug said that they Jews aren't leaving the area in droves but the Asians are moving in. Howard said the Jews will always leave an area if there are too many other ethnicities there. Howard said that when you're born a Jew, you're a Jew and have no choice. It's the only religion like that.
Gary said he got an explanation from their friend Ross about the Jewish thing. He was told by Ross that he had to marry a Jew because if Jews stop marrying other Jews, some day there won't be any Jews left. Howard said ''So what?'' Doug said that was basically drilled into his head over the years as well.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Howard if he heard Paul Mooney giving him props on Bubba's show last week. Howard did hear that and thought it was one of the best interviews he's heard Bubba do. Mooney revealed that Richard Pryor once banged Barbara Walters so Howard and the guys talked about that a little bit.
The woman also offered her condolences to Jeff ''The Drunk'' because his mother passed away last week. Gary came in and said that he hopes that Jeff doesn't get mad at him but the family had to take her off of life support and Jeff called and asked them not to play the voice mails that they were playing. He also said that Jeff called and asked them not to make a mockery of the thing by sending the Howard 100 News team to the funeral.
The woman also asked Howard to talk about the firing of the news team there at Howard 100 News. Howard said they let 3 reporters go because of budget cuts. They had to let Mike Piazza go and he was kind of upset about that because he liked the guy. Gary said that he'll still be back to do some vacation coverage during the summer.
Howard said he's not addressing anything to do with the tapes that he got control of when his lawsuit was settled. He said he's not sure what he can comment on so he's giving a big ''No Comment'' right now.
Artie said that Richard Christy left in the middle of that concert they went to because he wanted to go home and play his drums. Artie said he didn't know that Richard had left so he had to call him and ask him where he was. Richard said he has an electronic drum set that he can play while wearing headphones. Howard asked Richard if he's still jerking off often. Richard said he likes to jerk off on pictures of women so he will take copies of the National Enquirer and jerk off on the faces of the chicks in there.
Gary was telling Howard that he has a locked cabinet there in the bathroom that he uses for a Water-Pik and one day he found a Sybian attachment next to it one day. He had stopped locking it and figures that it was Sal who stuck it in there. Now he's locking it again.
Howard was saying that he likes to keep baby wipes in his bathroom because that's what he likes to use to wipe his ass. Richard Christy said he once used so many baby wipes that he clogged his toilet with them so he doesn't use them anymore.
Gary said he went to a bathroom in the airport recently and heard sounds that you never hear anywhere. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that.
Howard said that Eric is so delusional that his parents probably aren't mad at him. Eric told him to call them himself and find out. Eric said his parent think they treat him really bad. Howard said that's right but he doesn't have to call them either.
Howard pointed out that he's not taking Tabitha Stevens up on her offer to have sex with him. Eric said he's not going to be with a woman who has been with so many guys. Howard said he'd throw in a hand job for his dad too if he wanted. Eric remained silent. Howard said he thinks that his parents may be jealous of his fame.
Robin asked Eric if his parents wanted something from them or if he just called to let them know. Eric said he just wanted to let them know what was going on. Howard said there's nothing wrong with measuring his penis. Eric said he doesn't want to do anything to disappoint his parents. Howard told him if he keeps listening to his parents, he won't be calling in, he'll be sitting home miserable not being able to call the show anymore.
Eric let Howard know that he called Katherine McPhee and left another message for her. He said he still hasn't heard back from her though. Gary asked Howard if they're still interested in having her on the show. Howard said he's interested so Gary let him know that he called her and she told him that she's not booking her appearances herself, FOX is doing it for her.
Gary asked Eric what he'd be willing to do to meet Katherine. Eric isn't willing to shit in a diaper like Howard asked him to do. Eric said he won't urinate or move his bowels in there. He won't let Richard vomit on him or play ''Guess what's in my ass.'' Howard told Eric that he'll have him in the studio to meet Katherine but he has to do one of 3 things:
Howard told Eric that they'll tie like 100 party balloons to him and see if he flies. He thought that was fair. Eric didn't see it that way and said he won't do that either.
Captain Janks called in and said that over the past 20 years he's done some really fucked up things and his parents weren't very happy with him. He said that he just has to stop listening to his parents and move on. He said he used to tell his parents that everything on the show was made up but they eventually caught on. He advised Eric not to listen to his parents so much. Howard said that Eric is supported by his parents though so he kind of has to listen to them. Janks said that they're going to love him no matter what he does though so he should just do it.
Janks said that he's actually been living with his parents for 6 months now... and he's 40 years old. Eric said he's trying not to screw up his brother's wedding by doing anything wrong. Howard said that Eric must be jealous of his brother. Eric said he's not jealous at all. He kept bringing up this show ''Little People, Big World'' because there's a similar situation going on with that show and it shows that there is no jealousy there. Howard said he was talking about his life, not some TV show though.
Gary brought in the web site reference that Eric was talking about from Wikipedia so Howard quickly read through that. Howard told Eric to call them back when he's ready to do something to meet Katherine McPhee. They wanted to do that 100 helium balloon thing right there in the studio so the farthest he would fall is about 10 feet. They had a little bit of fun talking about how that might go. Howard was doing his impression of Eric and goofing on him. Eric asked Artie how many Yankees they lost over the weekend. Artie told him not to worry about that, the Yanks will be there in October.
Howard told Eric he had to go and said he was sorry he had to deal with his parents like that. He suggested that he just tell his parents that he didn't really measure his penis. He let him go a short time later. Eric gave his trademark good bye which is ''Bye for now.''
Fred looked up weather balloons on his computer to see how much weight they could lift. They figured that Eric would float away if they hooked him up to one of those. Bong Hit Eric called in and told Howard that he was laughing his ass off when he heard the ideas they had for him. Eric the Midget wasn't laughing at all. Artie said that he laughed just one time when Will told him a sports joke. Other than that he doesn't laugh.
Howard was also talking about how he was one of the only straight guys to say that he loved ''Brokeback Mountain'' and both of them were in it. Artie didn't know that they were both in the movie because he hasn't seen it yet.
Howard said it was kind of embarrassing for him to get blown off by Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger. Now it's made him gun shy to go up to people when he sees them when he's out. Robin asked if they even knew who he was. Gary and Howard both said ''C'mon...'' to her when she said that. Howard said Michelle knew who she was talking to, Joey Ramone is dead and there's no confusing the two of them anymore.
Gary wondered if he's said something to upset the two of them. He was saying that she's gotten much bigger than she used to be so maybe that's part of it. Howard kicked Gary out of the studio and said he was making more out of this than it was. Fred played him out with a Baba Booey song parody. Howard also said that he loves the video from Gary's wedding that's up on Howard TV now. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said that he got a note from a friend who pointed out that since he moved to satellite, the stories about him are always in the business section instead of the entertainment section of the papers.
Howard read through some notes he had written down over the vacation. He talked a little bit about Jeff the Drunk's mother passing away and about the Michelle Williams thing that he hat just talked about. He also read a quick article about how XM and SIRIUS are about equal in how well they're known now. They credit Howard Stern for bringing SIRIUS up in that poll.
Artie was saying that a lot of people forget that SIRIUS has NFL football and that's a big deal. Howard also brought up how XM is losing NASCAR to SIRIUS as well. They also just had some problems with their tuners sending out too strong of an FM signal so they had to stop production while they adjusted that. He said it seems like they just keep screwing things up.
Penny was telling George that he had the story wrong because that's not the way she pitched the story. A woman called in a short time later and said she was hoping that Penny was one of the reporters that was fired. Penny told the woman that she needs that job. Penny got a story wrong over the weekend about Bubba so they talked about that for a short time. Penny said that Bubba is another weirdo. She sounded like she was about to break down and cry.
George corrected his story about Sal and went through the rest of his preview. Jon Hein was also in so he gave a quick rundown of what they'd be talking about on today's Wrap Up Show. They'll be talking about Kathy Griffin's appearance and about Eric the Midget's phone call today.
Howard said he thinks that Meredith Viera will do a fine job replacing Katie. He's not so sure that Katie will do well as a news anchor. He goofed on her speech a little and created a speech that she could have made about Al Roker. He had clips of Matt Lauer and Al Roker saying their goodbyes to Katie. It was one big ass kiss fest. Willard Scott sang a song to Katie that was awful. Howard didn't think he sounded all that thrilled with Katie when he was singing the song though. Harvey Firestein also sang a song to her and that was painful to hear according to Howard.
Howard played some audio clips from Tony Danza's final show as well. In the first clip Liza Minelli sang a song to Tony after telling him how upset she was that his show was coming to an end. Fred threw in some Blue Iris audio clips since Liza sounds very similar to her. After Liza's song Tony finishes up by singing his own song which wasn't too far from what Liza's song sounded like. Howard said that voice warble reminds him of Curly from the Three Stooges. That led to Fred playing some Curly clips while Howard was playing Liza's song.
Howard said that Tony had a special guest come out and sing too... it was actually Crackhead Bob performing ''Bad Day'' and ''Beautiful.'' That led to Howard playing a new prank call that they had Bob make to a Chinese restaurant. The woman didn't have a clue as to what he was ordering. Bob was getting upset that they didn't know what he was saying. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard got back to the roast and said that should take about an hour and the rest of the show will be like a regular show. James Brown is going to be stopping by and may perform a song for them. Gary didn't think they could pull that off because they had to set up for the roast, but they're going to try and do it anyway.
Howard wants James to perform and they'll back him up. Howard wants to play tambourine while James is singing. Gary can play his trumpet. Howard said he doesn't want to rehearse either. Sal is going to play bass so Howard said he wants to play guitar then. Fred is going to help Howard figure out how to play the guitar part of the song. Within minutes he was ready to start rehearsing starting tomorrow.
Howard mentioned that he went fishing over the vacation and got chased by a swan. He said the thing came full force on top of the water like it wanted to get him. He said he caught about 15 fish while he was out but threw them all back in. He said he was out on his own and he was loving it. Robin was very surprised to hear that he was enjoying it. He claims that he was fishing on his own but Robin didn't believe that. Howard said a friend of his gave him the boat to borrow. He rowed out to the fishing area and sat there for what seemed like 2 or 3 hours... He said it was probably 5 minutes.
Gary and Robin didn't believe a word of what Howard was saying. Artie said it's complete bullshit. Howard claims he caught some sunfish, bass and perch and let them all go. He said he doesn't use bait, he uses lures and he carries a needle nose pliers with him to pull the hook out of the fish's mouth. He said he really hates when his line gets tangled and he has to untangle it. He said that drives him nuts.
Artie said he went fishing with his dad as a kid and doesn't remember it being all that pleasant. Howard said he feels the same way and now realizes that fishing is pleasant without your dad. He's not sure he'd want to go fishing with his father now because he probably couldn't even get in the boat. Howard said he went fishing a couple of days in a row and now Howard TV wants to shoot him fishing but that probably won't happen.
The more the guy on the phone spoke, the less it sounded like he had taken too much of the acid. The guy said he hadn't slept all night. Howard thanked him for the call and had Robin start her news.
During the news Hook Nose Mike called in and said he ran into Ralph down in Tampa over the weekend and became a fan of his. He was hanging out with him, Bubba and his crew down there and had a great time. Howard said that having Bubba there has worked out well so far. Mike said that Brent (Bubba's producer) was a nice guy and was talking about how they're one big family there at SIRIUS now. Howard said there were people who thought he was nuts to bring Bubba on but now they realize that it was a good decision.
Howard read an e-mail he got about the Death Pool and whatever happened to that. Howard said he now wants to bring it back even though he was the one who put a stop to it years ago because he didn't like it anymore. There was some e-mail about the comments Howard made about Pierce Brosnan's wife. The writer said that some guys might like that look. Howard doesn't believe that. Some people are happy that Crackhead Bob is back on the show. Others are disturbed by the before and after pictures of Artie that are on HowardStern.com. He may not be recognizable by the time his movie ''Beer League'' comes out.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she became a fan of the show after taking possession of a SIRIUS radio that she had given a boyfriend who held her at gun point and threatened to kill her. She said she heard the show and became a fan. She thanked Howard for helping her get through the whole ordeal earlier this year. Howard said that's the kind of story they need for SIRIUS TV commercials and he'd like to know if they can buy her story.
A phone caller asked Howard if they were going to get Jackie in on the Artie Roast this week. Howard said he's pretty sure they asked him if he would do it but he's too busy to do it. Gary said he asked Jackie to do it but he's got some family thing to do. Howard thinks that even though Jackie will do the Raw Dog comedy show every Wednesday, for free, he won't do their show for free. It's all got to do with money. Gary said he has asked Jackie to come in and sit in on the show like other comedians do but he has yet to hear back from him.
Another phone caller told Artie how bad his bald spot looked on Howard TV on one of the shows he was watching. Howard said that hair replacement must be getting better these days because he knows of some guys who have done things to their hair and he can barely tell. Artie said that his doctor told him that his hair will probably stay the way it is because he's 38 now and it probably won't get worse. Artie said he'll never shave his head because he hates that look.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started off the show talking about the date since it was 6/6/06. He said that there are some women kooky enough that they don't want their kids born on 6/6/06 so they had themselves induced yesterday to make sure the kid wasn't born today. Robin wondered if the woman has Damien inside of her and she has it a day early, is it still Damien?
Howard said that this guy Greg Gordon who went to jail for threatening President Reagan is coming in today. So is Misty the prostitute who was so whacked out of her mind that they gave her a radio show. Gary came in and talked about this guy Greg Gordon who actually broke into President Reagan's house, he didn't just threaten the guy.
Howard said Riley Martin returns tonight to do another show on Howard 101. He must have accepted the $200 deal to do his show. Robin said that there was a card sitting in her booth that said ''Warning: 9 out of 10 nig***s are polluted by AIDS.'' Gary came in and said that the card may have been left in there by Daniel Carver when he was in for the roast a couple of months ago. They may have found it while cleaning and left it on Robin's desk.
Artie said he got a list of all of the comedians that are going to be there and he's preparing jokes for them. He knows that he'll be roasted about a lot of stuff that's gone on in his life. He's pretty sure that if the roasters want to get really viscous, they'll talk about his father falling off a roof and things like that.
Howard talked about how they have to work on performing ''Hot Pants'' just in case James Brown does show up. Artie said that the comedians who are going to roast him include Nick DiPaolo, Colin Quinn, Shuli, Yucko the Clown, Rev. Bob Levy, Mariann from Brooklyn and Lisa Lampanelli.
Howard said that Jeffrey Ross was asked to roast Artie but when Gary asked him to do it, he wasn't sure if he wanted to do it. Gary came in and said that Jeffrey was asking about money and if they were going to be giving it to charity. Ross thought that they have a ton of money over there at SIRIUS so they should be giving some to charity. Everyone said that they really don't have a lot of money there because SIRIUS isn't making any yet.
Howard said that Jeffrey has Jackie Martling syndrome and won't come on the show because they're not giving any money to charity. Howard said Ross has wanted to come on the show for a long time but now that they've invited him, he's not coming in.
Gary said they asked David Spade and Norm Macdonald to do the roast but neither of them will be around. Howard said there are some pictures up on SternFanNetwork of David Spade who looks like he's gained quite a bit of weight.
Artie said he stayed up to watch The Tonight Show last night because Bruce Springsteen and Jessica Alba were both on. He said that Spade was in town and he didn't get a call from him. He usually gets a call from him when he's in town. JD came in and told the guys that it was actually a repeat of Conan last night so Spade probably wasn't in town. JD also said that Kimmel's show is repeated on Thursday nights.
Howard read another article about how Adam Carolla's show may be cut in the next month or two depending on whether or not he can get his ratings up. CBS may replace him with Opie and Anthony. There was also a story about this guy Rover who replaced Howard in some markets and how his producer has quit after just 5 months.
Artie said that he heard that Joel Hollander told Opie and Anthony that they were going to eventually get all of Howard's old markets. Howard brought up the indecency law that's about to be passed that will raise fines to 10 times the amount that they were.
Howard played some more of the Top 5 songs and found that Nelly Furtado was on the list. He talked about seeing her on Saturday Night Live over the weekend and said that she was so hot. He said that Shakira is hotter than Nelly is. He said that Shakira looks like she just needs to be banged hard. Shakira's song wasn't in the top 5 that he had. Gary told Howard that the top 5 he had was a new top 5 but Howard didn't understand what he meant. Gary said he was relaying the message he was getting from Sal. Sal told Gary that the list Howard had was the new Top 5.
Howard told Gary that he's gained a lot of weight. He said he's been eating desert himself lately and he used to not eat stuff like that or drink booze. Now he's doing both. Beth made brownies the other night and she can eat that stuff no problem but when he eats it, he gains weight. He told Beth that she's killing him.
Gary said that when he watched his old Wedding video on Howard TV, he noticed that Howard is the only one who lost weight. Everyone else has gained weight and lost hair.
Howard talked more about the Shakira song and how it's the most played song on radio right now. She's at number 9 on the charts. He was all over the place and changed subjects to this three armed Chinese baby that he saw video of yesterday. He said the video is available on Wimp.com. Howard said that it's almost like an X-Men type of story. Artie didn't know much about the X-Men stories so he asked Howard what that's all about. Howard went into a whole explanation about the X-Men and their special powers. Howard said that maybe this baby's arm should be left on because maybe that's the future of human beings.
Robin read a statement that Brad and Angelina released after their baby was born. As she was reading it Fred played a new clip of Crackhead Bob going ''Bla, bla, bla, bla, bla...''
Howard got back to the discussion he was having first thing this morning about women who are avoiding having their babies on 6/6/06. He read an article about a woman who had her baby born via C-section so that her child wouldn't be made fun of in school. She claims that she's not superstitious, she just didn't want her kid to be made fun of... like anyone would even know.
Howard asked Gary where his Kathleen Turner audio clips were that they used to play over at K-Rock. Gary said that they're still adding stuff to the system and they haven't gotten to that yet. Howard told him that they've been there for 6 months already so it should have been done already. Howard told him that they're bringing over more stuff so he's really going to be swamped soon.
Howard said he's been getting a lot of mail about why he hasn't talked about the settlement with his lawsuit. He said he can't talk about it yet but he and Robin have a meeting with a lawyer about what they can and can't talk about so tomorrow they'll be able to talk about whatever they're allowed to talk about.
Howard brought up a story about a rapist who was released after serving time for raping Kelly McGillis. The guy is now being accused of raping another woman. He also quickly went over the indecency fine story and how they will probably be passing the law soon. They will be raising the fines from $32,500 to $325,000 per offense.
Howard asked who Sam is and why he's writing to him about this stuff. He told Sam to stop listening to the show. He said that he's not going to be able to fish after reading that article. Fred mentioned that boxing damages the brains of human beings and Sam manages a boxer. He seems to be more worried about dogs and fish than he is about human beings.
Howard said that whenever he'd release the fish after fishing, the fish would look kind of dead and wouldn't swim off right away. He said he would tell Beth that they were just stunned and they would be fine. Now he's not so sure after reading that article.
Howard mentioned that all of the articles that are written about him these days are appearing in the business sections of the paper instead of the radio section. He quickly went through one article about his move and then played an audio clip from a news program where a couple of hosts talked about whether or not XM and SIRIUS should merge or keep battling it out. After listening to that Howard said that if things keep going the way they are, they should be able to just bury XM and get rid of them completely. They won't have to merge or buy them out.
Howard had to go to break a short time after that. He mentioned the guests they had coming in like Jesus (Greg Gordon), and Janice Dickinson. Robin reminded Howard that he was very mean to Janice the last time she was in because she wasn't doing a very good interview. He said he really didn't have any hate toward her, he just didn't understand why she wasn't talking about stuff during that interview. He went to break right after that.
Howard asked if they had a copy of Paris Hilton's new album (Turn It Up) that he could play. Gary said he had it up on his page on the computer. Howard played a song but it was another parody featuring Crazy Alice audio clips. He eventually found the Paris Hilton album. He said that one review said that she didn't sound horrible in the song because they can do so much in the studio. She'll never go out and tour though because she probably doesn't sound that good live.
Howard played Paris' song ''Stars are Blind'' and said that it will never be a hit because it doesn't have a hook... and it's not a good song. He said all is well with the world now that he's heard how bad it is.
Howard played a clip where David talked about taking over Howard Stern's spot at CBS. Roth says he's not mad at Les Moonves but he never really heard from him when he was over there either. Roth said he thinks that the plan all along was to bring Opie and Anthony on and he was just there to fill in for a few months. Howard interrupted and said he doesn't think that's the case. He said that Dave does deserve the money he's being paid since he was humiliated by CBS when they fired him. Roth said he's getting offers from both satellite companies and offers from other places as well.
Neal mentioned something about Howard wanting to go back to terrestrial radio so Howard had to interrupt again and say that he won't be doing that and doesn't want to do that. Neal asked Roth if he thinks Howard made the right move going to satellite with much less of a listenership. Roth said that Howard is thinking 7 moves ahead and he knows what he's doing. Neal asked Roth if he's getting the money he was supposed to when he was fired. Roth said that he's working that out with his lawyers as they speak.
Neal asked Roth if he and Eddie Van Halen are talking right now. Roth said that Eddie is the only one who isn't talking to him at this point. He's not sure what his issues are. Roth was rambling a bit while giving his side of the story and Neal said he had no idea what he was talking about at one point.
Howard was getting lost trying to understand what Roth was talking about just like Neal was. Neal would ask a question and Roth would ramble not making much sense. Howard said that Roth is looking to get paid the full contract he's due and there's no reason he shouldn't fight for it. Robin said she doesn't think the Van Halen reunion is happening. Howard said he's not sure how much longer Eddie has left to live after seeing some pictures of him recently. He looks horrible according to Howard.
Artie said that Roth is making sense talking about getting back together with the band and going out on tour like the Rolling Stones are doing. He said that the whole band is alive and they could be raking in the money if they were on tour. Artie said that touring with Roth is probably tough to take. After hearing him in that interview Artie seemed to understand why the band hasn't gotten back together.
Howard said he thinks that Van Halen could get back together and just not spend too much time together unless they're on stage. He said he's been doing that with Fred for many years, he's only said about 3 words to him.
Lisa said they did some stories about High Pitch Eric and the money he still owes to people and now a limo driver is pissed because Eric bounced a $2,400 check and the guy is coming to collect. Lisa said they'll be talking about that and also about the date 6/6/06 and whether or not it's really cursed.
Howard said that Fred was trying to teach him how to play ''Hot Pants'' and they couldn't have picked a worse song to perform. Gary came in and told Howard that they could pick another song if they wanted to. They don't have to do Hot Pants. Howard wanted to stick with Hot Pants. Fred played some guitar and said that they really have to rehearse because Gary is going to be paying trumpet and there are some tough parts in there.
Fred played James Brown's ''Hot Pants'' and Gary said he's going to have to see some sheet music to figure out what to play. Gary also said that they're not even sure if James is going to make it there on Thursday. This may all be a waste of time.
Howard said they'll do a show on Thursday morning, go home, take a nap and then come back and do a second show at 6pm so they can do the Artie Roast. They'll do some drinking, talk and maybe have James Brown in. Fred found part of the song that Gary is going to have to try and play that won't be so easy. Howard asked if there were any people on the staff who can play Sax or Trumpet. Benjy can play the Shofar so he played that a little bit. It didn't sound much worse than Gary's trumpet playing would.
Howard said he's still trying to figure out if he wants to play guitar or keyboards when they perform that song. He said that they need 2 guitars. Howard wanted to hear Gary's part again so Fred played that while Gary attempted to play the trumpet. It wasn't happening. Gary played a little bit and said he should be able to get a little better by the time Thursday rolls around. He's got the sheet music and he will be practicing.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said that they found a balloon company that can make the balloon thing happen with Eric the Midget. Howard said he'd love for that to happen and Eric would have to come in and do that to meet Katherine McPhee.
Gary came in and said that they have a bunch of Eric the Midget stuff to play so he told Howard where the audio clips were. There was one clip where Tabitha Stevens left a voice mail and said she'd like to meet Eric in person so she can show him her naked body. Howard said that if he was Eric he would just do Tabitha. She wants to do him but Eric doesn't want any part of that. Tabitha talked about what she would do to Eric and how she would treat him.
Howard had Eric on the phone a short time later and asked him if he was listening to this. Eric only heard a little bit of it so Howard started it over again. Tabitha can't believe that Eric won't do her and she really wants him to do her. Tabitha was saying she wants to jerk him off and then take him to a hotel where she can bang the fuck out of him.
Howard asked Eric if it got him a little worked up. Eric said ''nope'' so Howard told him he's got to be gay. Eric said he's not gay. Howard said he's going to make him move back to his parents lake house. He went on to play another audio clip where Eric accepted the balloons strapped to his chair challenge. Howard said he doesn't want Eric in his chair when they do that. They want to have Eric levitating at least 5-6 inches off the ground while out of his chair. Eric said it's not happening then. Howard doesn't care if it doesn't happen, it's Eric's loss, not his.
Howard said that maybe they could get Eric 2 inches off the ground so he could walk. He was hoping to give him enough balloons to make him like Superman. He said he could float him down to Scott Greenstein's office and they'd give him his own show. Eric said he will only accept the offer if he's in his chair when they tie the balloons to him.
Eric wants to be strapped into his chair and to have a helmet on when he's floating. Artie said that safety concerns always ruin fun. He doesn't believe that a helmet will help. Howard told Eric that he'll be safe out of the chair, he doesn't have to worry about that. Robin was laughing and asked if they could put him in a Superman outfit. Eric said he will just wear regular clothes, no outfits.
Howard asked if they could float Eric in a baby crib or bassinet. Eric said that would be humiliating, so he won't be doing that. Howard asked if they could float him in a pizza box. No to that one was well. Howard said that they will make sure that this is safe, he doesn't need to be in the chair to be safe. He figured they'd give him a day to think about it since that's what he needed for the whole balloon idea. Robin said that she would even fly with Eric if he wanted.
Bobo called in and told Eric to bang Tabitha already and enjoy himself. He said he may not have a lot of time left on this planet so he should enjoy his life. Bobo asked Eric how much longer he has left. Eric said he's getting sick and tired of this stuff and wants them to drop the Tabitha Stevens thing. He doesn't want to hear about it anymore. Howard told him that he's not trying to torture him, he's offering him the chance to get laid. Eric said he's tired of being asked about it through his Myspace account.
Howard can't believe that Eric won't give in to getting laid so easily. He got back to the message that Eric left where he said that he wasn't going to do anything that was more humiliating or degrading than what was initially offered. Eric also said that there has to be more of a prize than just meeting Katherine McPhee. He demanded that they have safety harnesses on his chair and at least a construction helmet on his head.
Howard asked Eric what else he wants for doing this thing. Eric said that it has to be the last stupid thing he has to do for the show. Howard said he can't promise that. He asked him if he wanted a kiss from McPhee. Eric said that's not what he was looking for. Howard said he can't get him a hand job from her but Eric said he wasn't looking for that either.
Eric said his roommate would have to come with him. If he took time off he'd be losing money so he would need some money for him. Howard said that's not going to happen. Gary said that Eric is an extortionist. Howard told Eric that he understands some of his demands and he will do the balloon thing the day before McPhee is on. He thought it would be funny to see him float over to the couch when McPhee is there but Eric doesn't want her to know what he did. Howard told him that they will try to get Katherine to hug and kiss him but he's not sure that will happen. He also said he'd try to get her to sing ''Somewhere Over The Rainbow'' to him. He told Eric to think it over and get back to them.
Howard said he thinks that if Eric gets airborne, he may not want to come down. He's pretty sure it'll be a great segment. Robin said that they could have a traffic guy with Eric on the balloon. Howard said he would kidnap Katherine McPhee to make this happen if he had to. He thinks that when Katherine is in there, Eric would want to be on his balloon because he could fly and impress her that way. Robin said that his name, as a super hero, could simply be ''Balloon.''
Howard told Eric he loves him. Eric said if that's true he doesn't understand why he treats him the way he does. Howard said he's not sure why he does either. Howard had Derek the Midget (Shuli?) on the phone who told Eric he was banging Tabitha right then and it felt like Jell-O down there. Eric thought that it was Sal doing the voice but they had Sal walk in and talk at the same time that Derek was speaking.
Howard let Derek go and wrapped up with Eric the Midget. Richard Christy came in and told Howard that they have an old Jerky Boys prank call where they prank called a balloon place to try and get some balloons to do the same thing. Howard played that prank call and got a few laughs out of that. It was very similar to what they wanted to do to Eric so it made the call even funnier.
After the Jerky Boys thing Howard said he had an idea to have some dogs nipping at Eric's feet as he floated. Howard took a call from a woman who said she thinks that she wants to come in and smack the shit out of Eric. She said that Eric could realize his dream to meet one of the American Idols and he won't do this stuff. Howard said Eric has to think about it and maybe he will do it.
Another caller told Howard that they should have Eric floating over a rainbow while Katherine McPhee sings ''Somewhere Over The Rainbow.'' Howard wanted to get a Rainbow prop so it looks like that's where he's flying. Eric wasn't interested. Howard told Eric to get back to them about the balloon thing. Eric gave them a ''Bye for now'' as he was getting off the phone. Howard said he thinks that he's coming around and will end up doing the balloon thing.
Lisa G still had some more news to give so she quickly talked about the Artie Roast that's coming up on Thursday. The comedy channel is doing a challenge between Artie and 15 other comedians on their channel. Lisa also mentioned Riley Martin's show that's coming up tonight.
Howard had an audio clip of Oprah Winfrey talking about how the book ''The Color Purple'' changed her life. She was talking to a reporter about that and said that she couldn't breath after reading it. Howard thought she was full of shit as she talked about it.
In another clip Oprah was rambling some double speak that made no sense. Howard said that's Oprah setting herself up to be a religion. She was also saying that she speaks to God often and lives in 'the space' that God is in. She said she thinks that she had the success she had because of that. Howard said the real reason she had the success is because she ripped off Phil Donahue. Oprah continued and said she's there doing what her soul was made to do. Howard said that God doesn't stop 9/11, he's busy making Oprah successful.
Howard asked what happened to Jesus. Gary said they were going to put him up as a phoner. Howard told him he wanted him earlier but now it's getting a little late to put him up. They had to go to break a short time later.
Greg told Howard that he had gotten into Reagan's living room before they caught him. Nancy Reagan was the one who caught him and called Secret Service. He said he never saw Nancy because he was running so fast. The Secret Service guy threatened to blow his head off if he didn't stop so he stopped.
Howard said that must have been pretty scary for the Reagans back then because this guy just walked into their house. Greg said he crawled through a neighbor's yard and then got up over a wall and ran up their driveway right to their front door. He heard a voice in his head say ''try the door'' so that's what he did. He walked into the house and that was it.
Howard asked Greg what he saw when he walked in. He said he didn't see anyone, he just saw four chairs. He later read that Nancy saw him running up the driveway so she called the Secret Service at that point. He didn't know where Ronald was at the time and he's not sure if he would have tried to kill him or not. He didn't have any weapons so he's not sure he could have done anything.
Greg thinks that Ronald Reagan is the Anti-Christ because his names all have 6 numbers in them and he was also shot and came back after being shot. He said that the Antichrist has already come and gone so anyone who has a baby born today has nothing to worry about. He thinks that Reagan has already come and gone so everyone is safe.
Howard said that what's interesting about Jesus here is that he not only broke into Reagan's house, and went to jail... once he got out, he threatened George W. Bush. He did that back in 2002. Greg said he made a statement in a train station in Philadelphia and said that if Bush started a war, he would kill him. He said he had a whole audience of people there at the time. He now knows not to do that again.
Howard said it's funny how this guy can threaten the President and still have a nice apartment in New York City. Gary asked him if he has a flat screen TV. Greg said he doesn't have that but he does have a flat screen monitor on his computer. He only pays $162 a month for rent on the apartment and it's on 37th Street in Manhattan. Greg said it's the noisiest street in the city though.
Howard asked Greg who he dated when he was in jail. Greg said he was with a guy who was a mass murderer. He said he killed 2 people so the guys corrected him and said he wasn't a ''mass'' murderer, just a multiple murderer.
Gary told Howard that Greg is upset about a new Ronald Reagan doll that's out. Greg said that if you search on Yahoo for ''Is the Bible Real'' the doll comes right up. Greg played the audio from the doll that he had there in his apartment.
Howard asked Gary to pull some of the old show audio where Greg here argued with another guy who thought he was Jesus. Greg actually broke down and cried on the show one time when he was on. Greg started to get into his wacky ramblings about the bible and his excuses for giving a guy oral sex while he was in prison.
Howard gave Greg a plug for his web site GregoryGordon.com and said that he's selling a book over there. Howard took a call from a guy who works in a mental institution who said he's got 7 other guys there who say that they're Jesus. Howard said that Greg is at his best when he's arguing with another Jesus person.
Howard heard that Greg got blown by a woman at the mental hospital he was in. Greg said that's true and the chick was kind of cute. He said that she gives good head too. Howard asked if Misty the Prostitute also thought she was Jesus. Gary brought Misty in and she said that she believes that she could be. She was also saying that she doesn't believe that Jesus is going to be a man again. The two of them started their mental case arguments after that. They were arguing about who was really Jesus and who defeated the Antichrist.
Howard said he loves mental cases yelling at each other. He also forgot how kick ass Misty's body was. Gary said that Misty's daughter was there with her. She's 8 years old today and when Will was talking to her, the kid said that she ''bears the mark of the beast'' because today is her birthday.
Howard checked out Misty's body and said he forgot how hot she was. Howard asked her about her kid and about the father of the kid. She said something about him being a pedophile so Howard quickly moved on. He asked her if she thinks that she should be raising a kid. She said her daughter knows her very well because she's been living with her for 8 years now. Gary asked her if she thinks it's right that she drink in front of her 8 year old daughter at 8 in the morning. Misty said she doesn't do that every day, she just does that when she wants to say things that she normally wouldn't say.
Greg asked Misty what it is about her that makes her think that she's Jesus. She said that she bore the son of Israel. The two of them started their mental case ramblings again and argued about who was really Jesus. Greg said that he was in prison and had to kill someone before that guy killed him. The guards at the jail put the two of them up against each other to find out who was really Jesus and Greg took a chunk out of his jugular vein. He said they had about 3 minutes to save the guy and he's not sure if they had time.
Howard said he believes that both of them are nuts and neither one of them are Jesus. Greg thought Howard had called him Jesus one other time. Howard gave that to him and said that he can continue to be Jesus. He gave Greg a plug for his book and web site again and wrapped up with him. He said he had to get to Janice Dickinson. Robin said she may as well join the other two mental cases...
Misty has a web site of her own so Gary told Howard that he was on there and she's got a video where she's pleasuring herself with a dildo with Howard's name on it while spewing out some religious stuff. Howard asked Misty about this guy that drove her into the city this morning. She said that she does bang the guy and she really likes him because he's got a monster cock. She also filled the guys in on how she was out banging some truck drivers while this guy watched her daughter. She gets $50 per guy for straight sex. Artie asked her how much it would cost to shut her up. She just laughed.
Howard asked if she makes the guys use rubbers. She said she uses them religiously and keeps a huge stash of them that she gets from the AIDS Foundation. Howard asked her how many guys she finished off at the truck stop. She said she did 4 or 5. Howard thinks that she could get at least $200 per guy if she fixed herself up a little bit. Robin pointed out that she has hair under her arms so she may want to clean that up as well.
Gary said he went into the green room a little while ago and Janice Dickinson was taking care of Misty's daughter. He said that was the funniest thing he's seen in a while. Howard wrapped up with Misty and gave her a plug for her web site SnatchTemple.com. He had to get to Janice after taking a commercial break.
Janice thinks that this little girl hates men so much that she was drawing the penises coming out of all of the pictures she was looking at. The little girl was pushing around one of the guys back there and making strange comments about men.
Howard said that the pictures are disturbing and he agrees with that. Howard had Misty come back in so they could discuss this but the two of them started to yell at each other. Janice said that Misty is unfit and her daughter should be taken away from her. Misty said that she did have a beer before the show this morning but she's not driving a car with her kid. She was also telling Janice that she's not worried about her daughter as much as she's worried about her. She called her a ''snobby fuckin' whore'' and said that she doesn't need her telling her what to do.
Howard asked Misty if the authorities have already checked her out. Misty said that she has been checked out. Howard asked Misty about the pictures that her daughter was drawing. Misty said that's not her fault, that was her father who gave her an early lesson about sex. Janice said that Misty needs some help. Misty agreed with that but she was still screaming at her.
Misty denied that her daughter drew the pictures that they were showing her but Janice said that they have her on tape drawing them. Howard was telling Misty that Janice has been accused of being an unfit mother as well but she's done fine. Janice told Misty to keep her daughter away from her work too because that isn't helping things. Misty said that she was with a baby sitter while she was out screwing those truck drivers she mentioned earlier.
Janice also told Misty not to drink in front of her daughter but Misty said that people always drink in front of their kids. Howard said he didn't think it was possible to not drink when you have kids. Janice and Misty continued to argue with each other. Howard asked Janice if she would adopt Misty's daughter and she said she would. Misty didn't want anything to do with that.
Janice asked Misty how she does the truck stop thing because she's tried that and it didn't work. Misty said that she has to lower her price but it's not hard to find guys who are looking for some. Howard took a call from a guy who asked Janice who the hell she is to give advice about mothering to someone else. The guy thought she was a horrible mother. Janice said she's a great mother and has kids who are in school getting straight A's in class.
Janice told Howard that she knows that there is a time and place to do certain things and Misty doesn't seem to get that. Howard said he'd like to get the two of them all coked up and see what happens. Janice said he doesn't want to see that.
Misty started to calm down a little bit and told everyone that she doesn't bring her daughter to Stern very often. She said that maybe her daughter was drawing a cigar and not a penis on the pictures that Howard was showing. Howard said she also crossed out all of the faces of the men on the magazine. Howard was letting Misty go so Janice called her over to give her a hug and some advice. Misty called her a ''fucking bitch'' again when she got the advice.
Howard said it's odd how even after giving someone a hug they still hate Janice. Janice said that she was ready to come on the show and admit that she screwed up the last time she was on the show. She said she was all messed up on coke and vodka and she wasn't herself that day. She said she knows she screwed up by not talking about the stuff that he was asking about. She apologized for that.
Howard said that Janice made a comment about him after that appearance and said that she didn't have any desire to sleep with him anymore. She used to fantasize about that but not any more. Howard asked Janice what she's doing for sex these days. Janice said she used to have an F-buddy but the guy got really stalker-like with her. She said that nothing is worth getting stalked over and she had to call that off.
Howard told Janice she looked good and asked her what kind of work she's had done. Janice told Howard that she had a face lift and her tits done. Howard said he would probably bang her but she's the only 50 year old woman he would bang. He asked her what it would be like if he was with her one night after drinking. Janice said she'd need a vat of Whiskey to be with him. She said it's not because she doesn't like him, she would just like to go wild with him.
Howard asked Janice to pull down her pants so he could see what she looks like. She said she's not going to do that unless Howard does it first. Howard didn't do it. He went on to ask Janice about her new TV show, ''Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency,'' and if it's like the Tyra Banks ''America's Next Top Model'' show. Janice said it's different. She said that on her show they don't eliminate people, they accumulate people as they go around trying to find models. She's going to go out and find these people. She said that she will give these people careers when she does her show. She's got her own modeling agency so she's going to give them jobs.
Howard said that maybe it is different then. Janice also said she will have hot men on her show. Howard said her show airs tomorrow night at 10 on the Oxygen network. She's also got a new book out called ''Check, Please! : Dating, Mating, and Extricating.'' Howard asked her about the book where she reveals even more people that she's had sex with. Howard wanted to know who the ugliest guy was that she's had sex with. Janice wouldn't say so Gary came in and said that it was probably Jon Lovitz. She said he wasn't the worst lay she's had, he's a great guy. She said that the worst date she ever had was with Roman Polansky. She said that he didn't have a rap and didn't say much of anything on their date.
Howard asked Janice who she regrets sleeping with. Janice said she can't say she has any regrets. He asked her if she has ever hopped into bed with anyone as soon as possible. Janice was saying that the book company wouldn't let her write about some of the people she has slept with. She said that Bill Cosby is one of those people. She said that he's kind of scary and the book company won't allow her to write about that. She claimed that Cosby was making her think that he would put her on TV so that was the type of guy he was.
Will came in and gave Howard a quote from Janice about Bill Cosby. Howard had Will read the quote and where she talked about Cosby not sleeping with her. She claims that the book company asked her to rewrite that section and that's the rewritten part. She seemed a little thrown off by the paragraph that Will read.
Howard asked Janice about why she thinks that Ellen Degeneres is hot, she looks like Owen Wilson. Janice said she'd do both of them. Howard asked Janice about hooking up with Kelly Lebrock years ago. He used to have a crush on her when she was still hot. Janice said that she and Kelly were hanging out with Ron Wood from The Rolling Stones and Ron was ready to dump his wife for Kelly back then. Howard wanted to know how she ended up in bed with Kelly. Janice said it was after about a pound of blow and a bottle of booze. She doesn't remember exactly how it went down because it was about 20 years ago.
Janice said she told Kelly to dump Ron Wood and convinced her to go back to her place. Janice said she doesn't remember what Kelly was wearing that night but she does remember that she hooked up with her and remembers waking up in the morning when the maid knocked on the door. She answered the door and fired the woman on the spot... even though it was Kelly's maid.
Howard asked Janice what she likes to do when she's in bed. She said she loves everything. Howard asked her if she likes to have her salad tossed. She said no to that. When Howard started to get into bowel movement talk, she said she was ready to walk out. Howard said he knows that some models really don't go to the bathroom much because Beth had some issues with that a while back.
Janice said something about how she was attracted to her sisters when they used to run around naked. Howard tried to get into that but Janice wanted him to stop. She said that she used to think about her sisters when she would pleasure herself. She still masturbates every day because she needs that release. Howard asked her if she wanted to ride the Sybian. As soon as she saw it she said she wasn't going to do that.
Howard read that Janice had a threesome with Grace Jones and Dolph Lundgren. She said that was really hot. She said that Dolph had a penis like an Evian bottle. The Sybian was still out so Janice kept telling the guys to put it away. Howard asked her more about the Grace Jones thing and got the details about how a bunch of models ended up at Grace's house and stayed there for days. Janice said that it was really hot having sex with the two of them but she's glad she has those memories to share.
Robin read that Janice claims that Madonna used to be kind of stinky back in the day. Janice said she found her to be a bit funky and she thinks she's probably still kind of funky. Howard started to wrap up with her and gave her another plug for her TV show and book.
Howard asked Janice about some super models and if she thinks that they are really super models. Carol Alt's name came up so Fred and Janice argued about that for a short time. Fred doesn't believe that Carol was ever a super model but Janice thought that she was.
Janice was telling Howard she was up to the CBS studio the other day and did an interview with a woman, whose name she couldn't remember, and the magic was gone from the old studio. She said that Howard and his crew bring magic to wherever they go. Howard thanked her for that and went to commercial break.
Howard got a guy on the phone to play the game. They were playing a game of ''What's Older Howard Or...'' They had things that might be older than Howard. The caller had to get 3 out of 5 left to win some money. Howard was born on January 12, 1954. What's older...
Howard was going to play a phone call that Penny made after Sal gave her the wrong name for his wife. Penny was doing a story about Sal's wife and because Sal gave her the wrong name, she used it during her Howard 100 News report. Howard played the call that Penny made to Sal and the news report where she called his wife ''Denise Ann'' instead of Christine.
Penny said that what Sal did by taping her call is illegal in the state of New York. She was also complaining that Sal goes around hitting her with a dildo in front of her son. She said she's going to have to go to Human Resources over that. Sal came in and put a piece of tape on her mouth. She said that Sal has broken 3 laws there. She said she's going to call Tim Sabean about getting hit on the head with a dildo.
Penny said that Liz Aiello is ready to fire her for getting these things wrong in her reports. Shuli was in and said that Liz really is upset with her because of the things that she's screwed up. Howard said that Liz was in Gary's office and looked upset. Gary said she's upset, but not about Penny screwing up. She's upset about Penny going into the studio and crying again. She thinks that's getting a bit old.
Penny told Howard she's done with Sal but she's not going to file any formal complaints. She also said that she won't come back in the studio for a while to keep Liz happy. Howard let her go and had George Flowers and Jon Hein come in to give their show previews.
Howard let Jon and George go and mentioned that people should stay tuned to find out more about the ''tapes'' (the K-Rock tapes) that are supposed to be coming soon. He's not sure what he can say yet and he knows that things have to be worded a certain way so he has to keep his mouth shut right now. He's not even sure if the deal is a done deal yet... but in his mind it is done.
That led to Howard saying that his mother took his temperature rectally way too long. He knows that he was in his early teens and she was still taking it that way. He said that she used to put some vaseline on the rectal thermometer and stick it in his ass. He can remember the feeling of it going in there and how it felt like it was going into his turd. Then she'd pull it out and would have to wipe it off. He thinks they were way too involved with each other.
Robin said that when she was working in a hospital, she was still taking rectal temperatures and sometimes turds would come out with it. Howard asked her if she knew what she was getting into when she started out. Robin said she really didn't mind it that much. Howard asked her if she had to shave guys private areas down and would have to hold their penis. She said she did start a catheter or two in her life. She didn't have to shave guys down.
Robin said there was once a guy who lost his leg in a motorcycle accident. She went into his room and he was very upset so she asked him what the problem was. He was upset that he was only half a man now. She said she straddled him on the bed and tried to help him out by showing him that he was still a man. She said they didn't do anything, she just got on and told him he was still a man. She said that she was even surprised at her own behavior back then.
Richard came in and asked if Robin would be interested in finding out who has the hotter anus, him or Sal. They were going to take their temperatures and see who was hotter. Robin said she might do that if they want to lay there with their asses showing. Howard told Richard to get ready to do it tomorrow.
Artie told a story about his father who had a nurse who would come in and take his temperature rectally. He said this male nurse showed up at his bedroom door one day and said that his father needed him. Artie went into the room and the nurse had to help him take a shit because he didn't have the muscles to do it himself. While the nurse took the bag of shit to the bathroom his father called him over and whispered in his ear ''Don't you ever leave me alone with this fag...''
Artie said his father eventually learned to love all of those guys because they were really helpful. Artie said that's why his father wanted to die though because he had to go through all of that stuff. He said it was a really tragic thing.
Howard was asking about how that shit thing all works when you're paralyzed. Artie kept apologizing to his father for talking about this stuff. He said that his mother bought his father a truss that would help him go to the bathroom and he looked like a baby sitting there. Artie never saw exactly what the nurse had to do to get the shit out so he's not sure how that worked. He said the guy would put a sheet up like the Wizard of Oz doing who knows what down there.
Artie said his father used to beg him to take an axe to him and put him out of his misery. He said the day his father died he was going in for a bed sore. He was supposed to be in for about 4 weeks. The ambulance guys showed up and before they were even able to pick him up, he was already dead. Artie said his mother thinks that he somehow offed himself or had someone off him by giving him some pills. They never did an autopsy on him so they really don't know. He said his mother didn't put all of that together until it was too late.
Artie said he remembers his father calling him into his room the night before he died and he told him he loved him and stuff like that. He said that was really rare for him to do that. Artie said he wishes he didn't go out that night because that was the last time he saw his father alive. He went out to shoot pool instead.
Howard asked Artie how he did shooting pool that night. He said he thinks he lost $80 that night. Artie remember telling his father that he'd have lunch with him the next day. He's pretty sure he'd want to be offed if he was stuck in bed like that too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he almost cried when he heard the story. Howard said he almost lost it himself. Artie wasn't too upset but he said that he did lose it one time when he told the story in therapy. A couple of phone callers told Artie that he's just given the comedians more material for Thursday night. One caller said he would be willing to cater the event. He knows Ronnie the Limo Driver so Ronnie came in and said the guy has some great food. Howard told Gary to make it happen. Gary asked everyone else who is begging to come in has to stop calling. This was Howard's decision and the doors are closed for the rest of the people.
Howard had Robin start her news since it was 11:10 already. During the news Howard took a call from this guy Wheels who said that he's a quadriplegic himself and they don't have to do what Artie was describing anymore. Now they take a pill at night and if they don't go the next morning, they just use a fleet enema to clear him out. The guy wanted to get in on the Artie Roast but it was already packed up. Howard told him he'd hook him up on the next roast if he wanted. Gary came in and told wheels that they really don't have room for him. Howard told him to talk to Wheels off the air and let him know what's going on. Howard ended the show around 11:35am
Howard started off the show going around the room saying hello to everyone. Artie let Howard know that Benjy almost ran him over this morning as he came running in. He wasn't even late or anything but he came running in anyway.
Howard said that he heard that Celine Dion was on ''Deal or No Deal'' last night and she was helping out a contestant while she was live via satellite. Gary told him that it looked very odd and creepy to have her on the show. Howard said that Celine has had quite a makeover in her looks since she was a kid but she's still not that good looking. He said she had about 7 rows of teeth when she was a kid according to Howard. He wondered why she'd bother with a body like that.
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to talk about and to play on the show today. He took a call from this guy Slober who said he can't wait for the Artie Roast. After yesterday's show where he talked about his father, it's going to be even better. Howard said a guy sent in a tape of an audition he did at a comedy club trying to get on the Artie roast. He said that they'd last about 30 seconds listening to it though.
Howard tried to find it but got sidetracked when he talked about Artie's story from yesterday where he talked about his father's last day alive. He said he didn't know that you can't take a dump when you're a quadriplegic so he learned about that from Artie. It was a touching and honest story from Artie and he didn't know just how bad it would be to be paralyzed like that.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said his father was a quadriplegic and he had no idea how he shit until yesterday. Now he knows and he can't even look his father in the face. Howard told the guy that one person called in yesterday and said they don't have to dig the shit out these days, they have pills they take to loosen their bowels.
Another caller told Howard that David Spade is on The Tonight Show and he's really uptight about the Heather Locklear thing. Howard said it's almost like 2 year olds talking about having girlfriends when people like Spade are asked about who they're dating. Howard said he should just be honest and say that he's not a good looking guy and he's very glad he got into show business because he's dating Heather Locklear. It's just very odd and gay to Howard.
Artie said he was flipping by the channels last night and saw Kathy Griffin's show and he stopped to watch it for a few seconds just because of what she was saying on the show the other day. He said he tuned out a few seconds later though.
Howard got to the Artie Roast clip that a fan sent in. The guy did his roast up on stage at a comedy club and had to put in his own laughs. Robin heard a few seconds of the act and said the guy was horrible. Howard bailed out on that clip a few seconds later and took another phone call.
A male nurse called in to tell Howard that he has to pull doody out of people. He said he gets about $26 an hour to do that stuff and he has a whole route he goes on to do his job. He said there's one guy who takes about 20 minutes to do. He's also run into diarrhea and some other nasty stuff. He even had to service a 500 pound woman and it was tough to find where to put the tube in.
The caller said he's trying to get out of the business and into song writing. He wrote one song and it's being released by a country singer soon. Howard got back to the doody discussion and asked the guy how he goes about doing the shit pulling. He asked the guy if the people he services know it's time to doody when he shows up. The caller said that is how it goes.
The caller told Howard that he has to lube up his finger and stick it in their ass to dig out whatever is in there. If there's nothing in there, he has to roll his finger around in there to get things moving. He said he sometimes has to stick a couple of fingers in there to get things going but the people don't feel anything since they're quadriplegics.
The guy said he's had to ask people to lay off of certain foods like peanuts because he sees that shit coming through down there. Artie said he would never deny his father any type of food when he was still around. Howard and Artie talked about how they should have let Christopher Reeve die when he broke his neck. Artie said his dad had a Priest give him his last rites but the doctors kept him alive.
The caller told Howard that he was stimulating someone's ass one time and when he pulled his finger out, the glove had broken. He said he couldn't wash that hand good enough after that. He also said that he told a guy a joke one time and said ''I bet you can't guess how I do this with both of my hands on your shoulders...'' Howard wondered if there are nurses out there who do sick their dicks in there. Artie said if that happened with his father and he knew about it, the guy would be dead now.
Howard thanked the caller for sharing his stories. He told him he's a good man because someone has to do that kind of work. The guy said that the country singer who used his song is Julie Roberts. Howard said he would be looking for the song.
Artie told a story about his father watching football and baseball even though he couldn't move. Artie had a catheter in him one time and it was so distracting that he couldn't even watch TV. He was surprised that his father could get into that stuff.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up the story that Robin told yesterday about hopping on top of a patient and straddling him after he said that he didn't think he was a full man anymore after losing his leg. Howard thought that was kind of unprofessional but she didn't think that was the case. She was trying to help the guy.
Robin said it was not unprofessional at all and it was just to help the guy. Howard thinks she did it just hoping that something would happen. He told her that she could have been fired for doing that if someone had caught her. Artie said she may not have been fired because it's tough to find people who want to be nurses.
Artie said there's a scene in ''Tootsie'' where Dustin Hoffman pushes over a Mime and the guy who played the Mime was one of the nurses that used to help his father. He said he watches that movie once in a while to remember that guy. Artie said the guy was a struggling actor and he was a nurse when he wasn't acting.
The caller Howard had on the line asked Fred how he gets in those audio clips so quick during Robin's news. Fred said he just anticipates what Robin might read in the news and takes it from there. They don't have a meeting or pass any notes about what's coming up in the news.
Artie has been experimenting trying to find out how late he can leave his house to get to work on time. This morning he got up at 5:25 and still made it to work on time but he figures he has to get up about 10 minutes earlier to get there on time every day.
Howard saw Scott DePace scratching like crazy because he got poison ivy recently. Scott said that he got some shots for the stuff but it takes a couple of days to take effect. Scott said he was told that it can't spread by scratching but then the doctor told him that it spreads internally so he doesn't know what's going on. He gets it every year after doing yard work.
Howard said that those comments that Coulter made were despicable. He spent a couple of minutes going off on her himself. He said that she's obviously a creep because when Matt is reading those comments to her, she's blinking as if she's wincing in a really creepy way. He said she's almost like a retard but that's insulting to retards. He said she's more like a psychopath blinking the way she was.
Howard was also saying that they call this Ann Coulter woman a ''hot'' conservative but she's really not even that hot. Just because she has long blonde hair doesn't mean that she's that hot. He said he didn't even play the whole clip.
Howard read some notes about what Coulter wrote about the 9/11 victims. She seems to think that the widows are enjoying the deaths because they've become millionaires from the tragedy. She thinks that the women are getting TV air time so they must be enjoying themselves. Howard had some comments from some 9/11 victims who were asked about what they think of her comments. He read through a few comments and spent a few more minutes talking about that stuff.
Howard said he's all for free speech but this woman (Ann Coulter) is a monster. He said there's no reason to go off on the widows of 9/11 victims. He got a note saying that Scott DePace agrees with Coulter's comments. Scott came in a short time later and said that he doesn't agree with all of her comments but he does think that those widows did want to change people's political views just because they lost their husbands.
Howard told Scott that Coulter was saying that those women were probably going to get divorces from their husbands and just because they lost their husbands doesn't give them the right to speak out about terrorism. Howard told Scott to get out of the studio. Robin and Scott were still arguing but Howard put a stop to that and kicked Scott out. Robin gave him a little dig making fun of him for catching poison ivy every single year. She said he's too dumb to avoid getting it every year. Howard suggested that he get a guy to clear the whole yard out of poison ivy.
Artie said the only reason Scott is against those women is because they're not pro-Bush. If they were pro-Bush, he wouldn't be against them. Howard said that Ann Coulter is seriously deranged and the things she was saying about those widows is insane. He also said that DePace must be suffering from dementia from the poison ivy he has.
John the Stutterer called in and tried to make a point but he was having trouble even saying ''Thanks for taking my call...'' He eventually went off on Ann Coulter and didn't stuff too much because he was so pissed off about her. He quoted her but included a few stutters in the quote. Howard thanked him for his comments and tried to get him off the phone. John said he'd be coming in soon and thanked Howard but Howard cut him off before he could finish.
Howard said that the reason things are going to get better is because a dream of his has come true thanks to the lawsuit settlement with CBS. He said something positive came out of that and they now have the exclusive rights to 20 years of broadcast material from K-Rock. It will be uncensored and it will probably help bring even more subscribers over. He said the entire history of the show can now be played.
Howard had a meeting about what they want to do with the old material and it brought chills to him as they were talking about it. They could start a third channel that would have just classic shows playing. He said that people who never got to hear the show for 20 years will now be able to hear that stuff. Howard said that the first 10 years of his show on K-Rock were incredible but as the years passed, they had to keep editing them down when they would run Best Of Stern. Now they can play that stuff uncensored.
Robin said that they have to play the Old Dirty Bastard clips because they used to have to hit the delay on him so much. Howard said what he wanted to do was just play the full shows. They could go back in time to say June 10, 1995 and replay a show from back then. They could do that or just play the musical performances from the past shows. Maybe they could go back and play something at noon each day from past shows. Howard said they could have votes from fans for what they want to hear.
Howard said he really never thought he would see those tapes again and he thought they were going to be destroyed. He said it would have been amazing if he could have announced that he was bringing those tapes with him when he first moved to satellite.
Gary said that they could pull clips from old shows and have all of the Seinfeld cast interviews or all of the Star Trek cast interviews... Things like that. Howard mentioned that George Takei will be on the show all next week for those Star Trek fans out there.
Howard said the content is staggering and he wants to hear from the audience about what they want to hear. The fans have helped shape the channels into what they are so far and he wants us to give him some suggestions for how they want the classic shows presented.
Artie said he would love to hear the show from the beginning, on a third channel, and just replay history. He would tune in to hear it himself. Gary said they all have different thoughts on what they want to hear. Robin mentioned Old Dirty Bastard, he was thinking of Jackie Stallone and her husband arguing because they had to hit the delay on them all the time. There are many other things that were banned from being played on terrestrial radio that they can now play again.
Howard and Robin said they can play so many things that they were fined by the FCC for. It's all coming back and will be played there on SIRIUS and only on SIRIUS. Howard wants to do a whole Hank the Dwarf weekend because they used to hit the delay on him quite a bit when he'd curse.
Howard thinks that they have found the value that people have been looking for in SIRIUS. He took a call from a guy who said that things are going to be great because they can take time off and play some really great classic stuff. Howard and the guys talked about many other things that went on during the past shows and what they could play on Friday shows and when they take vacation.
Howard thinks that all of this stuff is going to make the channels hum and it will be like a jog down memory lane. Artie said he'd even be interested in hearing the old live commercials from the early days. Howard said the last few years of the show were bad as far as commercials go so he wouldn't want to play the commercials from those days.
Howard said he has to keep a lot of the details of the lawsuit to himself so he wasn't going to comment on that stuff. The caller said that this was a nice F-you to CBS but Howard didn't want to go there and told him he was going to move along.
A caller told Howard that he's thrilled about this and can't believe that he got his hands on his old tapes again. Howard said it really is great that they have this stuff. It's sickening just thinking that they almost lost all of that. Howard said it's about 23,000 hours of content that they can now play again. The caller said that Howard should play the 9/11 show and dedicate it to that woman (Ann Coulter).
Howard said we're not going to hear the classic shows tomorrow, he wants to figure out how to present it and what to present first. Artie said he thinks it should be the first show. The caller suggested some flashbacks to some old shows after interviewing the people today.
Howard got an e-mail from a guy who said he can't wait to hear the first Bob Levy appearance and it was Bob Levy who sent the e-mail. Howard asked Sal what he wants to hear. Sal said it's the Sam Kinison stuff, uncensored. There were many great appearances by Sam. Sal also mentioned Fred's fight with the Rainbow Room guy and the Cookie Puss story... So many things to play.
Robin said that one of the things that they got back was Chyna Doll's song that she performed live in the old studio. Howard said all of the musical performances are coming back. Richard Christy came in and said that he wants to hear Joey and Marky Ramone fighting. Sal mentioned a bunch of other classic moments on the show that they could play.
Sal said that he started listening to the show when he was just 16 years old and it's great that there are 16 year olds out there who will be getting into it just like he did. They can learn the history of the show now that they can play those old clips.
Howard said that no one out there has an inventory like this with their radio show. The caller that was on the line said that his iPod looked at him and said ''don't you dare...'' Howard said his iPod was probably sweating just thinking about all of the content.
Howard took a call from a guy who congratulated Howard on getting those old tapes. Howard told him they're going to sit down and try to figure out how to present this stuff to the fans. He said he would like to come in one day and pick some of his favorite moments from the old shows and play the clips. He said he could have the crew come in and talk about the clips and things like that. The caller said that they could replay the first appearances from some of the wack packers like High Pitch Eric, Hank the Dwarf and even people like Artie. Howard said they could do a whole weekend of first appearances like that.
Robin suggested a ''gone but not forgotten'' compilation where they play clips of people like Crazy Jerry and Gina girl. Another caller mentioned the Cookie Puss segment where Fred first revealed that he used to buy Carvel Cookie Puss cakes as gifts for his mother. Howard said that may have to be the first clip they play because they've had so many requests for it.
A caller mentioned that he was looking forward to the Artie Roast tomorrow night. Some of the guys rehearsed just in case James Brown comes in but Gary said that they still haven't heard from James so they're not sure if he's coming in or not.
Howard said there are so many bits and parodies that they can play now that they have those classic tapes. He said he was overwhelmed when he went into his meeting yesterday about the tapes. He said he has to rely on everyone else to give him ideas and he knows that they'll be able to do it. He said he never would have imagined that they'd have access to those tapes. He's thrilled with what's happened.
A phone caller told Howard that the show keeps getting better every day and this just made it even better. Howard said he really never would have predicted that just 6 months in they'd have access to that 23,000 hours of material. The caller mentioned that there were some great clips that he wanted to hear so Howard told Gary to put that on the list.
Another caller said that he wants to hear the rise and fall of Crazy Cabbie. Howard said he just got a note from Cabbie who has lost 70 pounds. He's getting out of jail this summer so they may be seeing him soon. Howard took another call from a guy who said that they need a third channel to hear all of the classic stuff. Howard is thinking that they could use the stuff for when they're on vacation or something like that instead of doing a third channel.
Robin said she wants to hear the old ''Hate man'' voice mail since he hasn't called them there. Gary interrupted and said that Hate Man has actually made his first call to them there on satellite. He told Howard to go to the page where he posted it. Howard played the clip where Hate Man went off on Robin calling her the N-word and going off on her about her boat and things like that. He was saying that he wanted to wrap his legs around her head and give her his white cock. He yelled out the N-word and called her a monkey as well.
Jessica Hahn called in and asked if they could play anything today because she was so excited about it. Howard said he could play it but he really wants to figure out a way to present it first. Jessica said that there are fans on SFN saying that they're thrilled about this and that Howard has come through for them once again.
Howard said that this is pure friggin luck and how the fans have a lot to do with this but he really can't talk about the details of that. He continued to talk about how great this will be and how it will all be uncensored. He'd love to just do a whole weekend of stuff that the FCC fined them over. They had to stop the farting contests because of the FCC so they could replay all of that. They could have all farting weekends. Jessica said she can't wait to hear the old Sam Kinison stuff.
Howard took a call from another fan who said this is fantastic news. Howard told the guy he feels good now that he can give the fans 23,000 hours worth of classic shows. Howard said this is his life that he just got back. Another caller mentioned some great moments from the show that they can play now. Howard said he can think of thousands of bits that he would like to play again.
Gary asked Eric where he gets his advice from because it seems like he's ready to do something and then someone must talk to him and changes his mind. Howard said it's probably the Myspace people. Howard thought Eric was upset about the song parody that Sal and Richard created. Eric said that it was that and the prank call. He said he hates them both equally. Howard told him he's going to play them both equally then.
Howard told Eric that he's on a roll here. Tabitha Stevens is almost begging to have sex with him. Eric is still saying he doesn't want to go where a million men have gone before. Howard told him ''Whatever, put down the one woman who wants to have sex with you...''
Eric interrupted and said that if they make an Austin Powers 4, Artie could play Fat Bastard's Italian cousin 'fat loser.' Artie said that everyone is trying to get in on the roast thing but that was actually kind of funny.
Howard told Eric that he's going to come around and ride those balloons like Superman. Eric said that's not going to happen. Howard said they're going to tie balloons to each hand and each ankle and make him float around. Gary told Howard that Sal and Richard put together another bit about Eric where they had him in ''Top Gun 2: Operation Midget.'' Howard played that clip since Eric was already mad at them. Howard said the bit was bad though and it wasn't all that funny. Robin told Eric they'll never play that bit again. Eric said he doesn't want any of them being played.
Howard played a prank call they made to him where Blue Iris played the part of Katherine McPhee. Eric knew it was Blue and told her to tell Howard that it wasn't funny. They kept calling him back and Eric didn't find it funny at all. After the call Howard told Eric to think about what he was doing and get over his anger. Eric told Howard he's not going to fly and it sounds like he really doesn't care if he meets Katherine McPhee or not. Howard gave Eric a ''bye for now'' and let him go.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the weather balloon thing won't work. Howard argued with the guy and insisted that it would work. Another caller told him the same thing and the balloon thing won't work.
Howard mentioned that Billy Preston passed away and they didn't mention some of his best songs in the articles he read. He also said he didn't know that he wrote ''You Are So Beautiful'' for Joe Cocker. He read through the obituary and also mentioned that Billy was on the show and performed some songs for them when they were back on K-Rock. Fred played ''That's the Way God Planned It'' and Howard said that song gives him chills every time he hears it.
Howard had Fred play some of Billy's other songs like ''Will It Go Round In Circles'' and ''Nothin From Nothin Means Nothin.'' Howard said he remembers one time that Billy was on the show was a day that he had been accused of molestation by some Mexican day workers. Billy showed up for the show that day even though the accusations had just come out that day.
Howard said that Billy was also on a couple of Beatles songs. They played some of that stuff and also mentioned that he was the first musical guest on Saturday Night Live. He was also David Brenner's band leader on Brenner's talk show. Howard said he went on that show and talked to Billy for about 10 minutes about doing that show. Gary said that their old intern Mitch Fatel used to work for Brenner's show and he was in charge of going out to get ''things'' for Billy. He was going to try and wake Mitch up to get him to talk about that. Howard asked Fred to end the tribute to Billy with ''You Are So Beautiful'' but Fred wasn't able to find it.
Howard got sidetracked and said that the band The Cars just went out on tour without Ric Ocasic. Todd Rundgren is now the front man for the band. That led to Howard playing a live CD that the new Cars put out. He didn't think it sounded so bad but Robin wasn't into it. She said the music was good but the singing just wasn't right.
Howard said that Gary spoke to Dave recently and Dave told him a story that was kind of interesting. Dave is a comedian and does trivia contests during his show. He did a show where he got into the final 16 of a trivia contest and that show will air on VH-1 soon.
Since Dave is a pop culture trivia buff Howard asked him a couple of questions about Superman. Dave answered a couple and gave Howard some examples of the questions he had to answer for the trivia show he was on. Dave also asked Howard if he knows what show ran the longest on the WB network. No one knew so Dave said it was Seventh Heaven. He had to answer that one for the trivia game he played. There was also a question about the name of the country club in Caddyshack. Artie knew the answer was ''Bushwood.''
Howard told Dave to name every movie made in 1981 but he was just kidding. Dave told Howard that Gary thought he could have won at that game. Dave accidentally let it out that he lost in the TV show he was talking about. He said the question he lost on was about Beyonce's name in the third Austin Powers movie. He said he didn't know the answer but now he will never forget it.
Dave said he's willing to go up against Gary in a trivia contest and he'd even take a load on the chest if he lost. Howard asked him if he would bang Siobhan if he lost. Dave said it all depends on what Gary is willing to put up. Howard told him that he would like to have a trivia contest with Gary, Artie and Dave. Gary came in a short time later and said that he never said he could have won, he just said it would have been fun to have tried.
Artie said he doesn't know a lot of pop culture stuff because he doesn't watch ''Friends'' and stuff like that. Dave said he was willing to play the game if the guys were willing to put up something of value. Artie asked if a thousand bucks was good enough. Dave said that would be cool but it would have to be five grand if he's going to risk banging Siobhan.
Dave was saying that this show he was on is the best game show since Remote Control on MTV. He said you're on the edge of your seat while watching it. The show starts on July 10th. Dave also let the guys know that he was warming up the audience at American Idol. Howard wanted to stretch the story out a bit so he said they were leaving out some stuff.
Howard said that Dave's full name is Dave Lerman. Dave said that they've never used his last name on the show before. He also challenged Artie to do the trivia contest thing if they kept the trivia to only the 80s. Gary said he would do that as well. Dave said he would be willing to let High Pitch Eric shit on his chest for that. Howard told him he doesn't want to see that and said that they will find $5,000 if he agrees to bang Siobhan if he loses.
Dave had a few sample questions for Gary and Gary was able to answer them all. Artie was ready to bail out after that. Dave asked him a simple one about the movie ''Pretty in Pink'' but he wasn't able to get that one.
Howard said that Dave has come up with a new way to make money. Dave said that back in 2001 he saw an ad in the paper for ''Research participants'' where they wouldn't have to take any drugs. He called this guy up and he was told that they would have 8 female medical students perform an exam on him. They would give him $25 per exam. They examine his penis and testicles and do a rectal exam. He said he was getting $25 per exam back then and then they bumped it up to $50 per exam and ended up getting enough money to pay his rent. He said he's had over 700 exams since then. He had a $2000 day just recently because he had so many done. Dave said that he's actually started teaching the class because he's learned so much. He said he has to take a finger up his ass for each one of the students.
Dave said that the exam takes about 3 minutes and he gets $100 per exam now. That's $100 for 3 minutes. Dave said there are some foreign students who have never seen a circumcised penis so that's a shock for the girls who are checking him out. All of the students are female because they're trying to teach them how to do these things with the opposite sex.
Dave said that he once had a girl who he ended up dating but he doesn't want to screw up the job because he's doing so well right now. He said that some of the students just don't get how to do the exam without hurting you. He said one chick looked like Bea Arthur and she was an older woman giving him the exam. He felt really weird about the whole thing. He has to talk the students through the exam since he's teaching the class.
Dave is also doing tests where they take rectal tissue samples where he gets paid $500 per test. He has to wait 5 months between tests on that one though. Dave said he's also been involved with some drug tests and he almost died while testing a drug that negates the effects of drinking alcohol.
Dave said that women are a lot harder to find to do these tests. He's got the male part pretty much locked up because he has a bunch of people that he's found to do the tests. Gary asked Dave if he's ever had an accident while doing the rectal exams. Dave said that he did have an accident one time. He had one girl who was doing a prostate exam and massaging it. He ended up cumming all over the exam room before he even knew it. The girl was more embarrassed by it than he was. He said that he didn't even get erect when it happened. Howard asked Dave what the orgasm was like. Dave said it just happens so quick you don't know what's going on. Robin asked him if he's ever been examined by a man. He said he has had a doctor do it but not a male student.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered how Dave's ass is not falling out by this point. Dave said that it actually goes pretty smooth these days. He's had blood coming out when he goes to the bathroom but he knows that it's just from the exams.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if Dave is a good looking guy because he's getting turned on just thinking about this stuff. Dave said he used to take care of Doug Bady all the time and he had to deal with some nasty stuff. One time his whole rectum fell out and Dave had to take care of him when that happened.
Dave said that the work isn't steady so he's looking to expand across the country doing this stuff. He gave out an e-mail address where people can reach him if they're looking for models to do the exams. That address is GUModels@aol.com
Howard took a call from a guy who said that QVC was selling SIRIUS radios as a special today. Howard thought that was cool and he likes that they're using QVC to sell that stuff.
Lisa said that she'll have a review of ''Some Girls'' which is the show that Fran Drescher is doing there in the city. Howard asked her how Fran looked. Lisa said that she looked like a normal woman with defects. She had some cellulite on her and she thought it was very brave of her to get up on stage like that. She was also saying that Fran may want to worry more about her acting than about the underwear she wears on stage. Lisa also got in a quick plug for tonight's Intern Show that airs at 7 on Howard 101. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard played some audio from Riley's show where his co-host, Curtis, suggested that Tan (the alien) embedded stuff in Riley's head. Riley then went into a whole explanation about how humans are born with a memory of other things from the day they are born and those memories are put to the back of the mind while they are nurtured and grow up.
Howard asked where the new Riley song parody was but Gary said that everyone was telling him that it had been rejected. Howard said he knows he didn't reject it because he sent out notes to everyone telling them how great it was. He played a song parody that he played yesterday instead. That was one of Dan the Song Parody Man's songs.
Howard got back to Riley's show audio clips and tried to find the best clips to play. Robin wanted to hear him talking about 6/6/06. There was another clip where a caller used Howard's name backwards, drawoh nrets, and asked him to interpret what that meant. Howard played a couple of Riley Martin song parodies. One of them was one he hadn't played yet. It was Riley's audio clips put to Marilyn Manson's ''Beautiful People.'' Howard wanted to hear Riley saying ''oh kwa tan zin wan'' and ''Qui unza la jee wan.''
Howard played the clip from Riley's show where a caller described an alien as looking like Howard and that it uttered the words ''drawoh nrets'' which was just Howard's name backwards. Riley didn't seem to get that it was a joke but he didn't interpret the term. He learned his lesson when Sal called him and had him interpret a clip that Howard has played on the show for years. He played that clip where Riley gave him the interpretation for something that he didn't have a clue about. Howard believes that's why he's not translating anything else these days.
There was another audio clip where Riley talks to a caller about the genius that some people have built into them from aliens genomes. In another clip Riley talks about how the aliens mixed with the humans on earth and that led to the brilliant people like Einstein and people like that.
Howard played another clip where one of Riley's guests asked him about 6/6/06 and if it had any meaning. Howard wondered if that was the hot chick that hangs around with Riley when he does his show. He took a call from a guy who said that Riley is worth the extra $5 they're paying him to do his show.
Howard said that they appeared to be identical twins but they were actually fraternal. He asked them what they do for a living. They work at Mardi Gras in Springfield, Massachusetts. The girls were sitting very close to each other so Howard asked them if they're in love or what's going on there. The girls said that they are very close. They used to mess around and kiss when they were younger so it got started pretty early.
Howard said that Janice Dickinson was on the show yesterday talking about being attracted to her sister so it must happen. The girls said that they have actually masturbated with each other when they were about 9 years old.
The girls don't look at their relationship like incest either. They said that it can be a beautiful thing. Robin asked if they sit around the dinner table and do stuff. The girls said that their mother knows what they do but their father doesn't. They said that their mother walked in on them one time and caught them. They've never asked their mother to join in.
By the age of 12 the girls were having sex with each other. That's when their mother caught them. One of the girls said that their mother caught her going down on her sister. Their mother told them not to do it again and that was the end of it. They have twin sisters that are 15 years old right now. They're not sure if they'll bring them into their whole thing though.
Howard asked Artie what he thought of this. Artie said they were pretty hot so it was pretty interesting. Howard continued to talk to the girls about their stay in New York City. He also took a phone call from a guy who said that this was all wrong and he wanted them off the air. He said his brother is an attractive guy but he doesn't want to bang him. He said that two girls is a cool thing but not when it comes to sisters.
Howard wanted to see what the girls kissing looked like so he had them make out a little bit. Howard thought it was hot. Artie laughed and said he thought it was kind of hot as well. Howard asked Robin if she thought it was wrong or hot. She thought it was wrong. The girls took their tops off and Howard told them that they have nice boobs. One of the girls had implants, the other didn't.
Howard had the girls kissing with their tops off but Fred wasn't into it. He said he couldn't deal with the sister part of it. Artie was starting to get creeped out by it as well. Howard was still excited by it. He asked the girls if they wanted to take a ride on the Sybian. They seemed to be a little hesitant but they said they'd be willing to do it.
There was another girl in the room, Summer, who is also a stripper so Howard talked to her a little bit. The girls all said that they were never molested or anything like that. Summer was emancipated from her parents when she was younger though. She didn't want to say what it was that they did that led to her divorcing her parents. She said that she actually did it because of her mother's new husband. She did that when she was 16 but she's gotten back together with her mother since then. She knew that she had to do what she did back then.
Howard asked the girls to get on the Sybian. They didn't know how it worked so Howard had Gary explain it to them. He told them how it vibrates and how he'll be controlling the vibration. They were having trouble getting on the thing in a position that would work. Gary had to instruct them on how to do it the right way. He eventually got them on the right way and started the machine up. The girls didn't seem to be reacting much at first but Gary jacked the power up and they started moaning.
Gary had the Sybian up to 100 percent and it was vibrating the whole studio floor. Howard could feel it in his chair and even Robin could feel it in her booth. The girls were going at it while Howard laughed. The machine was going so fast that it sounded like a wood chipper.
After the sisters were done Howard asked Summer if she wanted to take a ride on it. She was up for it so Howard sent her over to give it a try. She rode it for a short time and got off on it after a couple of minutes. She was laughing and saying ''oh shit'' over and over again. She said she hopes they don't mind any cream on that thing because she finished. The guys had to help her get off the machine because she wasn't able to walk. Her legs were all wobbly from the ride.
Howard gave the girls a plug for the web site HotModelsLive.com where you can see all three of the girls. Fred had left the studio to go to the bathroom and when he returned he said that the sister thing was a real buzz kill for him. He couldn't even enjoy Summer's ride on the Sybian because the sister thing was so wrong.
One of the girls said that she gave Gary a lap dance at a club one time in Albany, New York. Gary didn't know what they were talking about at first but then remembered the place. He said it was really weird and it was almost like the club was in someone's house. Howard said that sounds kind of cool to him.
Howard took some phone calls and people were split on whether or not this was right. Some guys said that it was really wrong, others said that it was a fantasy of theirs to have sisters in bed so it was hot to them. Howard still thought it was hot as well. He thinks this will bring a lot of subscribers to Howard TV.
Richard Christy said that their outfits weren't that great and he'd rather see them nude. Howard said he kind of likes the outfits and the pigtails they had. Jeff the Drunk called in so Howard gave his condolences and asked him how he's doing. Jeff said the funeral was last week and he's planning on staying at the house that he shared with her. He said he's really lonely now as well. Howard wondered how long they have to wait before they can start goofing on him again. Jeff said ''about a week.''
The girls are from Jeff's area so he was thinking that maybe he could meet up with them. Jeff was also saying that there's an article about he and his mother in the Times Union paper up there. Howard asked Jeff if he would let the twins come over and have sex with him in his mother's bed. Jeff said he won't do that in his mother's bed. He'd do it in his own bed but not Mom's bed. He said he's going to get rid of her bed eventually because it's going to be tough to keep it there.
Gary said that Jeff is so bad off with money that he had to call and beg for the $500 he won a few weeks ago because he needed it to bury his mother. Jeff said he needed the money for himself, not for burying his mother. Howard said that Jeff was using that excuse to get the money out of them. Jason came in and said that Jeff did tell them that he needed that money for his mother's funeral. Jeff claimed that they were lying and he just wanted his fucking money.
Howard figured that Jeff would have more money for himself now that his mother is gone but he said that she won't get her SSI checks anymore. Howard said he probably uses that money to buy his cigarettes and weed. Jeff said he never had access to his mother's money. Howard thinks he's going to end up being homeless. He'll probably have to sell the house he lives in and he won't be able to support himself. Gary said that Howard is almost like his surrogate father. Howard doesn't want to hear that at all because Jeff is just a guy who calls his show. He's not going to support him.
Howard asked Jeff if his mother said anything to him before she died. He said that she did say that she loves him about 4 days before she died. Howard figures that Jeff will sell his house for about 80 grand, then he'll blow through that real quick, he'll end up living on the streets of New York City right downstairs at the SIRIUS building. Howard gives him 2 years. By December 14, 2008, Jeff will freeze to death on the streets of New York City.
Howard pointed out that Jeff got fired from a hand stamping job. Jeff said he didn't get fired, he just didn't get re-hired. He said the club is being remodeled so it's closed right now anyway. Gary said that he would never want his kids around a drunk guy and Jeff was working at a pool where people brought their kids. Howard said that the girls were all topless during this conversation so he was happy about that.
Howard said that he can picture Jeff's story headline when he dies. It'll read ''Bald Slinged Man Found Dead On Street.'' He's sticking with that December 14, 2008 date too. He asked Jeff if he gets drunk because he gets depressed about his mother. Jeff said ''Yeah, kind of...''
Howard said a few more nice words about Jeff's mother and said she had to put up with a lot with Jeff so she must have been quite a woman. Jeff said that she was amazing. He told Jeff that maybe he should turn his trailer into a strip club... The Beaver RV. Fred said it could be ''The Cinder Block Titty Bar.''
Howard asked Jeff why he didn't say a few words at the funeral. Jeff didn't have a lot to say even though he probably spent the most time with her. He said goodbye to the girls and asked them to ride the Sybian again as he was getting off the phone. Howard wrapped up with the girls a short time later and went to commercial break.
Howard played some audio from QVC where Martha was selling the radios and talking about her move over there. Howard said it would have been funny if they felt the vibration in the floor. Howard said if they had opened their curtains to expose what was going on, they probably would have thrown Martha off of QVC.
Howard mentioned that tomorrow they'll be doing two full shows. One in the morning, one at night. The show at night will include the Artie Roast and they'll all be drinking. Howard asked Gary who will be mixing the drinks. He said that the bartender at Scores is really good. There are two guys coming in tomorrow morning to try and get in on the Artie Roast by having a competition against one another.
Howard got back to the Martha Stewart on QVC audio. Martha was saying she likes to hear the commercial free music and even likes listening to Eminem's channel. Howard interrupted and said that's bullshit, she doesn't listen to Eminem's channel. Howard said that channel is more intense than any channel there.
Martha said that she even tunes in to hear ''Howard'' just to see where he's going today. Howard said he's glad that Martha is out there doing this and getting women to buy the radios. He talked about what it would have been like if they had heard the Sybian vibration out in the lobby. He said it would have been funny to hear them talking about what was going on in the studio while they were on the air.
Howard played more of the audio clip where the QVC host called Howard ''Howard Stewart'' accidentally. Gary told Howard that they had a counter going on the screen and they sold about 4,300 radios in about an hour. Howard played another audio clip from QVC from last night where they were offering a special deal on SIRIUS radios. The QVC host was talking about all of the people he saw walking through the SIRIUS studios there. Howard made up his own pitch as if he was one of the hosts seeing all of the Stern Show guests walking through the lobby.
Howard said that XM had some bad luck yesterday. They were supposed to have The Cars perform at an Analyst meeting but the band got into a car accident and didn't make it there. Howard said that it appears that XM is just having the worst luck lately. He said it must be bad karma from not hiring him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been trying to get through to the show for over 2 decades now. He told the guys that he's a paraplegic who is partially blind. He and a friend were sitting around smoking pot when he realized that Howard's delivery is what makes him so funny. He knows that some of his jokes are written for him but he delivers them very well. Howard said he wants this guy's statement cut up and put on his channels so everyone knows how his delivery is genius.
The caller went on to talk about how there were some years of bad shows in the late 90s but now the show is back to where it should be. Howard told the guy that he's so thankful for those statements that he would dig the shit out of his asshole. He let him go a short time later.
Howard played another clip from QVC where Meg Griffin got on and talked about all of the great content on SIRIUS. The QVC host was promoting a bunch of other things that were available there on SIRIUS and seemed to be brushing Meg off.
George went on to give the rundown for what they had coming up today. Ralph called in and said that he saw the QVC thing last night and the people promoting the product aren't all that enthusiastic. They ignore Howard and Howard should be the one promoting the product. Howard said they're dying to have him on QVC but he's been thinking about doing it his way, not just going on and doing it.
Ralph thinks that if people knew how good the show is today, they would sign right up for it. Howard told him that now that he has his entire archive of K-Rock shows available to play, it will blow up even more than it was. He will be going out to promote SIRIUS but he can't go out and do it every day. He has ideas on how to sell product and he will reveal them to the company when he's prepared to. He said QVC is another avenue for sales and everyone should be out selling radios.
Ralph asked Howard what Eric the Midget's final decision was on the balloon flight. Howard told Ralph what went on earlier and how Eric backed out of the whole thing after hearing the song parody and bit that Sal and Richard created about his balloon flight. Howard played the song parody for Ralph since he missed it earlier in the morning.
Howard told Ralph that Eric has taken the whole deal off the table but he told Eric that he will fly and he will do it all because he will want to meet Katherine McPhee. Ralph told Howard that because of that, he doesn't believe that Eric is a Wack Packer. A real Wack Packer would have just done that bit no matter what. That led to the guys talking about Eric's possible flight and what it might be like. Ralph thought it would be cool if they could get a remote control and fly him around with a propeller. Howard said it would be cool to drag him around the city like a Macy's parade balloon.
The guys played the voice mail where Eric had agreed to do the balloon flight thing but demanded that they not make any changes to the deal. He also said that he had to have safety harnesses and a construction helmet on his head. That got Ralph laughing pretty hard when he heard that.
Ralph thinks the flying part of the deal sounds like fun to him. He's surprised that Eric doesn't look at it that way. Howard said he thinks Eric would have fun if he did it. He's pretty sure he'll come in and do it just to meet Katherine McPhee. Howard let Ralph go a short time later. Ralph left with his impression of Eric saying ''Bye for now...''
Jon Hein was there to give his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'd be talking about the massive amount of tapes Howard has available now. They're going to take a ton of calls from the fans to find out what they want to hear out of those 20 years of tapes. Howard said he was even thinking about going on the Superfan Roundtable to find out what they want to hear and how they want it presented.
Jon figured that they wouldn't have much time for anything other than the tape discussion since it was after 11 already. He went through a few other things that they may cover today if they have time for it.
Steve the Intern was in to give a preview of what they had coming up on tonight's Intern Show. Steve said that they did some Stern Show trivia last week and the interns failed miserably. They're the first ones who should be listening to the classic Stern Show tapes when they start playing them. Steve thinks that they should know the show before they get hired. Howard said he's just glad he can find people to work for free up there, he doesn't care if they know the show or not. Howard gave some plugs for all of the shows and then went to break.
Howard mentioned that Howard TV On Demand is available on Rogers Digital cable up in Canada now. Doug Goodstein came in and said he's been speaking to the people at Rogers and they're very excited about the response they're getting already. The service will be available to over a million Canadians.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:55am
Howard started off the show talking about how they had two shows to do today. He said he wasn't able to get much sleep last night because he's got some personal issues. He's exhausted because he feels he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders. Robin asked him ''what world'' to which he replied ''My world!'' He wouldn't say what his problems were. He asked Fred to replay the opening theme song so he could start over but Artie said he felt like Howard had the weight of the world on him this morning and got it started all over again.
Howard ended up talking to Robin about the story she told the other day about trying to help out a patient when she was a nurse where she got on his bed and straddled him. He said he couldn't believe that she did that and now he's not sure he can trust anything she says on the show. He told her it was nice but it was very unprofessional. Robin said she worked in a very closed environment and it wasn't like she was in a stark, white outfit in a hospital.
Robin explained to Howard that everyone there had been about the same age and this guy that she helped out had been in the hospital for months before that. He was there because he lost a leg and she saw him every day. She said someone brought in a set of clothing for him as he was getting ready to leave the hospital. The guy didn't want to get changed and would kick away the sheet she was holding up so he could get dressed. He said that he had been naked in front of her and her point was that people didn't even think about being nude in front of the nurses there.
Howard said he heard that Robin had a patient with kidney stones and she let the guy pee on her. He also said he heard that her outfit was a white negligee. That led to Fred playing the Blue Iris audio clip where she says ''I'm wearing a negligee'' but says it in a really creepy way.
Howard wanted to play some Blue Iris audio clips so he had to have Gary pull one for him. Artie was joking around about the way they describe where those clips are on Howard's computer. Howard played one prank call that the guys made to a woman using Blue Iris audio clips. He also played the call that Blue Iris made to Eric the Midget as Katherine McPhee. Howard said he read that Blue Iris just banged Ron Jeremy. He siad that's like the two most repulsive people in the world screwing.
Artie said that he asked Richard about the books on tape stuff that he used to do and he told him it was a lot of work. That got Howard playing some of the Bill Clinton clips that Richard put together. Then he said that Hillary Clinton was commenting on what Ann Coulter wrote in her book about the 9/11 widows and saying that her remarks were vicious.
Howard said that the moron Elisabeth on ''The View'' agrees with Coulter's comments. He played a clip of her talking about that on The View. After listening to her ramblings the guys talked about Ann Coulter assumed that she knew what these widows felt and attacked them personally. Howard thinks that it's horrible to make statements like Coulter did and she must be mentally ill to write it in a book.
Howard played more of ''The View'' audio and had Artie laughing at Elisabeth Hassleback's comments because she wasn't making any sense.
Howard said that Sal and Richard have been pranking a public access show over the past few weeks. The woman who hosts the show said that she wanted to talk to these guys who were pranking her show so they kept calling back. In this new call they used some Elliot Offen audio clips to goof on her. They had Elliot saying ''You look like the last shit I took!'' She had a feeling that he had something to do with Rusty (Richard) who was calling the show so much.
Sal called in with another audio clip of a homeless guy and she had to hang up on him as well. She wasn't able to get the phone hung up though so we could still hear what Sal was playing for her. The woman tried to take Richard's call again but he was still playing the Elliot Offen clips.
Richard, as Rusty, got back through and told the host of the show that it wasn't him making those comments on the other line. She thanked him for that and then got back to playing the Elliot Offen clips when she picked up another line.
Gary told Howard that they had another call where Richard called another public access show and put Wendy the Retard on the line with the host of that show. Wendy was cursing the guy out and calling the guy a ''damn mother fucker'' and other things. Howard quickly played that one and then played another call that was made to the same guy. Richard asked the host how big that ''grungy old cock'' of his was. Then he called back with a Dice Clay audio clip where he asked if he ever got any hot wax on his ass.
Richard came in and told the guys he gets these shows on Time Warner through a few different channels. The network is MNN which is the Manhattan Neighborhood Network. Richard said there's one show that won't even take phone calls anymore because of the calls he made to them.
Howard said that Sal and Richard have a whole office devoted to making prank calls there. They have five phone lines that they can make calls from. He went through a list of some of the other calls that the two of them have made. He played the call Richard made to the show that won't take calls anymore. He told the women that he was sitting home and whacking it to them. He said he will try calling them and see the woman look over at the phone but she never picks up.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Howard's old show tapes and asked what he's going to do with them. Howard said he's going to figure out how to incorporate that stuff into his two current channels instead of creating a third channel.
The people at SIRIUS were saying that they have to get the word out to people that they have access to those tapes. Howard said he hasn't played anything yet because he wants to make it kind of special when he does start playing it. There's tons of stuff that he wants to play and a lot of stuff they couldn't replay on terrestrial radio because they were fined by the FCC over some of it.
The caller asked Howard if he has a star on the walk of fame out in Hollywood. Howard said that's a big scam and you have to pay for your own star and the upkeep of the star. It's sort of a joke because people like Ryan Seacrest and Rick Dees have stars. He said they're not doing anything to change radio like he did.
Howard said Ben got a whole book out of that stuff but these guys really didn't say all that much other than when they did commercials and mention what station they were on. He played a clip of Alan Fried doing a commercial but it was just a dopey guy putting on a dopey voice doing a commercial.
Gary made a comment that got Howard distracted so he had to kick Gary out of the studio. He said he was going to get distracted by him if he didn't get out of there.
Howard asked Robin if she wanted to hear more of the clips from the CD. She said it was just what she expected it to be so she did want to hear more. They played a clip of Robert W. Morgan doing an intro and there was really nothing there. It was just another guy doing a wacky voice, saying his name and mentioning the station he was on.
Howard did an impression of those guys and had some WNBC jingles that he played while Fred started up a song for him. There wasn't much there and Howard wondered if that was it. He said it's a good thing he came around and changed radio by actually talking. He said that now everyone on radio talks more openly than they used to.
Howard said that back when he first started out there were guys who were talking really soft and introducing songs. He didn't think he could do that after giving it a try at WRNW. When he moved to WCCC he tried being himself. When Howard went to WNBC they were basically driving him nuts trying to get him to have his own radio voice. Howard said that's because he didn't know what the fuck to do. Artie said that Howard sounded kind of rushed back then and quite a bit different than he does now. Howard played a quick WNBC jingle where he talked about his show and rushed through it. He said he was done with the top 40 stuff after that.
Howard talked about the upcoming roast tonight and how he heard that Nick DiPaolo is planning on giving it to not only Artie but ''Howard'' as well. Howard went into a little more of his jingle stuff and got back to the Artie roast.
Gary said that Sal asked Artie if his sister was coming to the roast tonight and Artie said that she wasn't coming and he wasn't to bring her up in the roast or he'd deck him. Artie said he told Sal that if she did come, then he'd have to deck him. He didn't tell him not to tell any jokes about her.
Gary said that Sal had some really bad jokes he wanted to tell on one of the previous roasts but he advised him not to use them. Howard said that if Sal had used this joke that Gary told him about, he would have gone way over the line. He didn't even want to talk about what the joke was about though.
Sal said that he will have a ton of jokes for tonight's show. He was writing some jokes about Robin as well but he decided to hold off on using them for another time. He said he was worried about Howard jumping over his desk to kill him. Howard asked Sal to tell one of them. He told a joke about Robin's boat and how he thought that whales lived under the water. He also had a couple of jokes about calling the boat ''monkey'' and unfunny stuff like that.
Howard asked Sal if he knew the order of the people who were going to do the roast tonight. He started to say that Mariann from Brooklyn and Crackhead Bob were going first. Artie heard that and said that was a bad idea to put a couple of unfunny people on there so early. Howard knows that a couple of people will bomb and that will let Artie goof on them even more.
Sal said that Mariann asked them to write some jokes for her but they didn't return her call. Sal said it's funnier to hear her in her own element and not give her the good stuff. Artie said he's upset that he wasted a bunch of Bob Levy jokes on the last couple of roasts. He may have to bring some of those jokes back.
Howard thought it would be funny to have Nick DiPaolo go before Crackhead Bob and throw people like that into the mix. Gary said those people are just doing a minute so it shouldn't be that bad. Howard told Gary that the rhythm of the show should go like this... and clapped his hands the way he wanted it to go. He had Gary clapping back to him in the way he wanted the night to go. Sal said Gary looked like a seal clapping so Fred threw in a seal audio clip.
Will came in and told Howard that Sal was dedicating his roast to one of the hot interns. Howard told Sal that he has to stop hitting on the interns there. He said that he's been to a bunch of sexual harassment classes already and he should know better. The other day the guys said that Sal was asked what he wanted for breakfast by one of the interns and he said ''You... on a toasted bagel.''
Howard played a clip from last night's Intern Show where one of the interns talked about how Sal was dedicating the roast to her. Shannon told the story about the bagel thing. She said she wasn't creeped out by him because he doesn't follow her around or anything like that. Howard played Sal's apology clip that they fooled him into making a couple of weeks ago.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and went off on Sal and Artie a little bit. She asked Artie to keep calling her a cunt because that would get her worked up for the roast tonight. She was also upset with Sal for saying that she kept calling asking for jokes. She said she only called twice.
Howard asked the guys if it was okay that he interrupt and keep the roast moving along. Gary thinks that's what they need to do. Robin said that they should just do the roast and let whatever happens, happen.
Double A called in and asked if Beth O was going to be attending the roast tonight. Howard said that she thought she was going to miss out on a roast at a club or something so he told her that it's just a regular show. She won't be coming tonight. Double A asked if they were going out after the roast and tried to get in on the roast but Howard told him that it's all filled up.
Howard said the roast will be live tonight at 6pm and they'll replay it tomorrow morning as a regular show. They have a couple of guys coming in this morning to compete for a spot on the Artie Roast and they'll be asked some trivia about the show. If they get questions wrong they get hair waxed off of them. He said they have a lot of other stuff to get to but he had to take a break first.
Bobo remembered the first time he called into the show after he snuck into the hospital room after his third daughter was born. Howard said that was a great story and it was a good show. He said he should play that clip sometime.
Bobo asked Howard if he'll ever get the Channel 9 shows. Howard said he tried to get them a couple of years ago but it didn't work out. He's not even sure who owns them now. Bobo also asked Howard what he's going to do in 5 years when his contract is up there at SIRIUS. Howard said he's not sure what he'll want to do because he'll be 57 years old at that point. He hopes that he can just get up out of bed by that time. He also said he'd like to go out while he's in his prime and these five years may just be his prime.
Howard read a few e-mails and one person wondered why Penny Crone is still working at Howard 100 News while Mike Piazza was fired. There was some feedback about Misty the prostitute's appearance yesterday. Artie's father story was also mentioned in the mail. Someone wrote in and said they love the Miserable Men show and the Riley Martin show.
Robin asked Howard what he thinks they should do when they have a situation like Misty and her daughter. Howard said he's really not sure and you hate to try and play God with people like that. Maybe she's okay as a parent and they shouldn't be making a judgment call on her.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who thought he hit the delay button during Janice Dickinson's appearance the other day. Howard said he didn't hit it but maybe it sounded like he did because things get so crazy in there.
Howard got some feedback about Scott DePace's comments about Ann Coulter and about his poison ivy. There was a bunch of feedback about the incestuous sisters on the Sybian too. Howard quickly went through that and then moved on to the guys who wanted to get in on Artie's roast.
First up was Eddie the Produce Guy. Howard told Eddie that he would be doing a trivia contest and when they get an answer wrong, they have to get waxed. They would be standing there completely naked throughout the game. Howard moved on to Chris who was the second contestant. He said that he can't even go to the roast if he wins but he will give his spot to a friend of his. Richard came in and let the guys know that the butt hole and the shaft were the most painful spots to get waxed. Howard said they're going to start out up top and work their way down.
Howard had the guys get ready for the game. Eddie got naked and Gary pointed out that he's got an uncircumcised penis that's about 10 shades darker than the rest of his body. Nora was prepping each of the guys by using a disinfectant on their private areas. She was wiping his asshole down and things like that.
Chris got up on the table as well and Howard noticed that he was pretty small. Chris said that's because he's kind of nervous. Gary said that Nora is very quick and forceful from what he remembers. She finished up the prep work on the guys by putting some powder on the guys.
Howard started the trivia game with Chris going first. He was asked
Howard got back to Eddie and asked him if he knew the answer to that ''Elf'' question. Eddie wasn't getting it either. Nora went in and put some wax on his balls and ripped some hair out. The wax was hot and Eddie was freaking out about that. Then he let out a yell when she ripped the hair out. He asked if his balls were still there after that one. He said that one was a 9 1/2 on a scale of 10.
Howard moved on and asked more questions...
Artie said that the gayness of all of this is almost canceled out by how funny it is. Howard asked...
Howard asked Chris if he knew the right answer for the college question. Chris said that it was Montclair college and got it wrong. He had to get his shaft waxed. Nora did her thing and Chris yelled out even more than the last time. Nora put some soothing cream on him after that because she said it did take out a lot of hair. Chris said it was a little bit soothing but it still hurt.
Howard moved on to the next question which was for Chris again even though he had just missed one. The question was...
Howard asked the next question which was
Gary said that they can put Eddie in the Green Room for the roast tonight but not in the studio. Eddie said that was fine with him. Howard also asked the guys if they wanted to complete their waxing or let it go. Chris said he was going to leave it the way it was.
Eddie was willing to let Nora finish the waxing. Everyone was tired of looking at his dick though. Nora went ahead and threw some more wax on him and ripped out more of his hair. He was still yelling out in pain as that was going on. Nora also said that she had to use some disinfectant on both of the guys. She threw that on and the guys didn't seem to be in much pain at first. Eddie asked her to do it again. He liked her rubbing the stuff on his balls and taint.
Nora asked Howard when he's going to get waxed. She said a lot of people are looking for that. Howard said he'll do that if they get 50 million subscribers by tomorrow. Then he said he wouldn't do it no matter how many subscribers they get. He wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard said he read something kind of odd after talking about Alanis Morrisette yesterday. He read that she and her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds have split which should be good news for her music career. Yesterday someone said that she was too happy so maybe this will bring back her anger. He congratulated her on the break up.
There were a couple of articles about Howard rejoicing about getting control over his archived shows. He said that's true and he's very happy about that. He also read that the House passed the new indecency bill that will cost TV and Radio stations $325,000 per offense when they get fined by the FCC. That can only mean good things for satellite radio.
Howard read that Donald Trump's ''The Apprentice'' has been going down in the ratings lately. The show even lost the audience that ''Deal or No Deal'' brought in for the show.
Howard played some audio of Richard puking one time and then played the guy eating the shit video for him. Richard started gagging and dry heaving when he saw that. Howard kept telling him to look at the screen but it made him gag even more. He said it was the grossest thing he had ever seen. He was gasping for air but Howard kept telling him to look at the screen. Richard had puked all over his shirt. Richard thanked Howard for that and left the studio.
Howard said he got a note from Sam Simon about his catch and release fishing where he told him that he was hurting the fish. Howard got another note from a guy who catches live salmon to tag them and they're just fine after they're released. The guy told Howard to go ahead and keep fishing the way he was and not to let Sam Simon ruin it for him.
Howard heard that Sam Simon is getting his information from PETA but the information is about deep sea fishing. He said he doesn't want to talk to Sam about that because then he'll send him even more information. Richard came in and said that his father caught a big fish the other day and left him a voice mail about that. Howard played the clip where Richard's dad talked about one of their dogs dying.
Doug Goodstein sent Howard a note about the Rogers Cable thing that he mentioned yesterday. They're picking up the Howard TV programming up there in Canada.
Howard played some audio from the Inside the Porn Actors Studio where Richard Christy talks to porn stars about their careers. In one clip Richard asks porn star Hillary Scott the questions that are asked on ''Inside the Actors Studio.'' Howard was complaining about the porn he has at home because the chicks are so nasty in them. He said that they look good on the cover of the DVDs but they end up having cellulite.
Sal came in and gave Howard a couple of porn DVDs that he had but when Howard took them, they had some kind of wet stuff on them. He freaked out and asked him what was on there. Sal said he didn't do anything to them, he had just opened them up. Richard said someone came in to clean Sal's keyboard and the guy was grossed out by all of the stuff that was inside of it.
Howard got back to the clip of Richard's show and Hillary Scott's answers to Richard's questions all had to do with sex. Howard liked her dirty talk so that led to Artie saying that he had a woman saying ''Fuck me fat ass'' as he was banging her. He said she was some crazy extra that was in the movie. He said he used to hit on the extras quite a bit when he was doing movies. He said that one chick had crazy eyes and she was just saying that line to him and he didn't mind it at the time. He said she wasn't smokin hot either.
Artie said she was a little overweight and he ended up feeding her twice that night. He saw her years later and said that he confronted her about that night. She told him she enjoyed the sex and she claimed that she was saying ''fuck my fat ass'' and not ''fuck me fat ass.'' He was having a discussion with the chick and she ended up staying over night.
Artie said when he did ''The Bachelor'' he got blown by a stand-in. He said they're even crazier than the extras are. He also talked about the hooker who took him for $500 when he was in Vegas one time. Howard told him that the fat ass story was hurting him even more than the story about his father that he told the other day.
Howard said that Artie isn't a bad looking guy but he is a bit overweight. Artie said he's never a great looking guy but he does look better when he's thinner. Howard said he has to stay in shape to be able to perform with the younger Beth. He said he gets out of breath if he's 10 pounds over weight and Artie is like 70 pounds overweight.
Artie said that sometimes Dana will make a sound like he's crushing her when he's banging her. He'll also get some powder on her chest when he leans on her too much. Howard wrapped up with Lisa G after that.
Howard asked Gary what's going on with the girls that are coming in. Will came in and explained it instead. The girls, 21 and 25 years old, are grossed out by guys and are still virgins. Howard wanted to get to them but he had to take a break first. He said that they can get to those girls and then have Robin do her news. Artie said he can't do another 6 hour show today. Howard said he knows because he saw how wiped out Artie was yesterday. Artie was just about falling asleep at the end of the 6 hour show yesterday.
Howard asked Artie if he's going to Scores after the roast tonight. Artie said he was kind of planning on doing that. Howard wanted to go but he had other plans and he had to get up early on Friday morning. Artie said that he's got some stuff going on at his apartment where he's going to get a new entertainment center. Howard figures that means Artie will be eating more than ever.
The guys talked about the drinking they were going to be doing tonight and Fred was saying that he was going to bring in his own scotch since they had ''piss water Dewars.'' He said he likes Mccallen scotch himself. The guys ended up talking about who has gotten fat lately and what they're eating. Richard is the only one who has actually lost weight lately. Gary was on his office camera and Sal walked in with his monkey mask so Gary grabbed him and shoved a banana up his nose.
Jason came in and told the guys that they have a couple of really hot bartenders from Scores coming in to serve them. Bob Levy called in and told Howard that he can't wait for this roast tonight. He's really going to go off on Artie tonight. He said he's ready for it. So is Artie though. Artie is going to go off on Bob himself.
A caller from Ontario, Canada called in and told Howard he just signed up for Howard TV up there. He said they're not publicizing it much up there at this point. Howard thinks that they're afraid that they're going to have the government pull the programming off the air if it's too well known.
Howard brought up this guy who Richard Simmons helped lose a ton of weight. The guy was up at about 800 pounds but Richard helped him lost most of that. Now the guy is right back up there near 800 pounds again. Howard played an audio clip of Richard going to meet the guy, Michael Hebranco, and breaking down and crying. Gary said that Michael was going around bad mouthing Richard about a year ago saying that he had been abandoned by Richard. In the clip Richard and Michael talk about trying to lose the weight again.
High Pitch Eric was on the phone so Howard asked him about his weight. Eric asked Howard when he was going fishing again because he wants to go with him. Eric is afraid of fish though. He told Howard that he might get over that if he goes fishing with him.
Howard heard that Eric might be getting a job doing a voice over for a cartoon. Eric said it's not definite yet but he may get the job. Eric said that the show is being shopped around by MTV. The guys didn't understand what he was talking about because MTV wouldn't be shopping a project around. Jim Breuer is the one shopping the show around. Howard and Artie were goofing on Eric for using a term he didn't even understand. Howard did his High Pitch voice and had a conversation as if he actually knew what he was talking about in the TV world.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that he's putting together a fishing trip and he'd be happy to take Eric along with them. Eric said he'd do that. Howard was still in his Eric voice and still goofing on him about the TV terms he was using. Eric tried to interrupt but Howard kept rolling right over him.
Howard asked Eric about all of the money he owes to people. Eric is going to have to pay off all of those bills and if he doesn't, he'll probably end up in jail. Howard asked him about this $2,400 he owes to one limo driver. Eric said that was from one limo ride.
Artie pointed out that if Eric gets this job, it'll be the second person with a speech impediment that Howard has gotten voice over work for. The other one being Stuttering John who is now working as the Tonight Show announcer.
Shuli came in and said that Eric is mad at him now because of the stories that he's been doing about him. He said he got a call from a guy who said that Eric put a coffee machine in his apartment like the one they have up there at SIRIUS. Eric hung up on them because he didn't like them talking about this stuff. Shuli told Howard that this company got an e-mail from Eric who wrote to them as ''HP Productions'' and then they show up and install the machine in his apartment. Howard wondered how anyone would leave a coffee machine in an apartment like that.
Shuli said that the limo guy came all the way out to Queens and drove him up to Albany and back. Then he had them bring him back from Connecticut to drive him home again the next day... Then Eric gave them a bad check for $2,400.
Howard took a call from a catering guy, Dino, who was ripped off for $650. Shuli knew this story as well and Eric took his food and never paid for it. Eric was off the phone but this guy Dino was fooled by Howard who was doing his High Pitch impression. Dino said that they're thinking of hijacking him. He told him not to go home tonight because he's going to call the cops and have them pick him up tonight. Howard was offering to blow the guy as if he was High Pitch.
Howard had Dino fooled for a few minutes and didn't let him in on the fact that he wasn't there. Howard let Dino go a short time later. Shuli was telling Howard about Eric eating food at a gig he was at one time and how gross it is when he says certain letters like C and K.
Shuli said he was talking to Yucko the other night about the roast and he's got tons of material now that Artie has told that story about his father. Shuli said this roast is the opposite of the Daniel Carver roast because there is so much material there. Shuli will be one of the roasters. Howard let him go and moved on to the girls who were there.
Ashley was saying that she's grossed out by it as well. They were both saying that they're grossed out by penises so Howard said they must be gay. They claim they're not gay and they like making out with guys and having their boobs touched but they don't want to have sex.
Ashley said she gave a blow job one time while dating a guy for a year. She said she probably did it about 4 times in that year but that was as far as they went. She said that guys don't get girls and they can't please them very well. Howard found it hard to believe that she could date a guy for a year and only give 4 blow jobs in all that time.
Howard asked the girls if they still have their hymens. Ashley said that she didn't even know what that was. He asked her if she knew what the clitoris is. She did know what that was so Howard asked her if she knew what her cherry was. She knew that term for the hymen so Howard told her that's what it was. She had no clue. She claims she still has her cherry.
The girls were talking about how gross some of the guys are that throw themselves at them. That's the kind of stuff that grosses them out. Robin said that she thinks they're lesbian and just don't know it. Howard asked the girls if they wanted to make out with each other to find out. They weren't really interested in that. Deanna said that she thinks that Ashley is hot and she does think about her. Howard told Deanna to touch Ashley's boobs just to see what it's like.
Howard said he can't figure these girls out. He gave them a plug for an appearance they're making at the Fame World Championships in Canada. He asked the girls to do some dancing for them and played some ''shake that ass'' music for them. The girls were dancing as if they were experienced with sex according to Howard. Artie said he's never been more turned on in his life. The girls thought that was awesome.
Gary said that Ashley's ass was the best strippers ass he's ever seen. He asked them how many pushups they could do because he hard that they were willing to ride the Sybian if anyone could beat them. The girls wanted to see the thing before they agreed to do it. Richard came in and said it was a shame that these girls weren't being defiled by some guy. He told them to just give in and let some guy bang them.
Richard was going to show the girls his penis because he had just shaved down this morning. They were a little reluctant to see him but Richard danced and took off his clothes for them while Fred played some ''there's some whores in this house'' music. They told him they had seen enough after just a few seconds.
Robin understood why the girls weren't with guys after seeing Richard's act. Howard thought that both of the girls must have thought about each other while vibrating themselves. They claim they haven't though. Howard asked the girls if they wanted to get on the Sybian or not. They wanted to do the push-up challenge first. Fred offered to do the 30 push-ups that they demanded. He got right up and went over to do the push-ups. He quickly did all 30 and kept going to about 50.
Howard gave the girls another plug and mentioned the web sites FameWorldTour.com and SeanEveringham.com. He then sent Deanna over to the Sybian and had Gary start out the vibrating. He slowly cranked up the machine but she hopped off a short time later. It was too much for her. She said she felt violated by that thing. She hopped off again after getting on it for a short time.
Ashley was up next since Deanna didn't like it. Gary started out slow and moved the vibration up to 100 percent. She wasn't getting off either, she was just asking questions about who invented it and stuff like that. She said nothing was happening at 100 percent so Howard told her to push down harder. He said she's like a robot.
Howard wrapped up with the girls a short time later and gave them some more plugs. It was kind of a bust according to Howard. Fred said that the first guy that does get one of those chicks is in for a nightmare. He said the guy is going to need power tools to get them off.
Jon Hein said that they'll be talking about the upcoming Artie Roast. Howard asked Jon if he's going to drink with him tonight. Jon said he doesn't drink and part of that is because he's diabetic. George Flowers also revealed that he doesn't drink either. Howard said George doesn't do anything fun. He said he did try smoking pot but he ended up just coughing which wasn't much fun. Jon said they'll be talking about the waxing that went on during the show today.
Ralph called in and asked Jon why he doesn't stop eating McDonalds food and have a drink instead. Jon said that was a good point. Jon said he stopped drinking about 10 years ago but he used to drink before that. Gary came in and asked George if he's ever used opium. George said he did smoke some opium laced hash which burned his throat and it screwed up his vocal chords. The guys were pretty surprised by that revelation and couldn't believe that he had even tried that. Howard had to wrap up and go to commercial break after that.
Howard read in the paper that Janet Jackson got liposuction to lose all of the weight that she recently lost. Howard said he doesn't believe that because they would have had to have sucked it out of her face too. He read some stories about the ''Friends'' staff who were apparently a pain in the ass. He read a story about Jennifer Aniston suggesting that they do more stuff on ''Friends'' like ''Fight Club.'' That became a running joke for a while after that so the writers would goof on her each time she came up with an idea. The story said that Matt Leblanc was the one guy who was professional on the set.
Howard read that the GM converter that Gary had was actually coming out this summer for 2003-2006 GM vehicles. Howard said that he's been listening to SIRIUS a lot lately. He listens to the show all the time and thinks it's very funny. Artie said he can't listen to himself because he hates it when he says something stupid. Howard said he used to think he hated listening to himself but found out that it's no so bad. Artie has been listening to the classic rock channels. Howard listens to some music channels and Jay Thomas' show. He also listens to Adam Curry's podcasting show.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about the other channels there on SIRIUS. Howard said he was listening to BBC America after his hair stylist told him about that. Robin said she's never heard anything on there that she would listen to. Gary said Howard might like Little Steven's channel but Howard hasn't gotten into that one. Gary said he listens to Raw Dog Comedy and gets some ideas for audio clips from that channel. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Jason came in and talked about the woman who will be doing the psychic ting and said that she calls herself a psychic medium. Howard told Fred that he hopes that his father does show up on the show and he's not there to speak to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie's show at the Pittsburgh Funny Bone sold out in a day and a half. It was the fastest selling show they've had. Artie mentioned that yesterday so he already knew about it. The guy who called in will be opening for Artie out there on July 8th and 9th.
Later on during the news Howard played a couple of very unsexy Blue Iris audio clips. He asked Artie what it would take for him to sleep with her just once. Artie said it might take about $100,000. Robin asked Howard how many SIRIUS subscribers it would take for him to bang her. Howard said it would be about 40 million.
Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 11:25am... He'll be back at 6pm for the Artie Roast show.
*This show was recorded on Thursday evening for replay on Friday morning.
Howard and the crew returned for their second show of the day around 6pm on Thursday. Howard started off the show saying that people shouldn't say that they're not getting their monies worth out of SIRIUS, they're there for a second show. He said he thought it would be fun to do a roast show at night so they could drink so that's why they're doing the show.
Gary came in and said that he's already stressed because Artie isn't there. They're trying to call him but they haven't gotten in touch with him. He said that a friend of Artie's is there at SIRIUS but Artie isn't there. Robin asked how Artie could miss his own roast.
Artie showed up a few seconds later and said that traffic coming in from Jersey was rough. His sleeping rules don't work at night. He said he just dealt with rush hour coming in. He also said that he got a nap that lasted a couple of hours.
Howard said there was a great layout of food from this guy from the Bown Park Deli. He was also talking about how George Flowers was asking him for a picture when he came in and then the deli guy asked him for one as well. He was in a rush to get into the studio because he only had 15 minutes to get ready. There's a whole party going on out there in the lobby. Everyone is out there busting balls too.
The guys talked about how great Bob is on stage when he goes up but his writing abilities are pretty bad. Artie said that Bob has been doing great acts for many years but he does the same act. He said he even knows the joke that Bob does before ending his act. Artie said he's been working on a new act of his own and he'll have all new material when he goes on the road again.
Levy came in and said that Artie is full of shit and his act is different every time. He said that Artie is the one who does the same material every show. He went at him for a few seconds but Howard interrupted him and asked him to say ''Hedonism'' again. Bob tried but it wasn't working. He asked Bob about the old jokes he's been telling and asked about an old Peppermint Patty joke he still uses. Bob said it's a funny joke and it still works.
Howard asked told Bob to say ''He... Don.. Ism'' and got him to put them together to make one word. It worked but Bob couldn't say it again when he was asked.
Howard wanted Bob to do some of his big head material but he didn't want to do it. Bob insists that he has new stuff in his act every time but no one believed that. Bob said that anyone out there who has seen him would say that his act is 30-40 percent different every time.
Howard said that Nick DiPaolo was supposed to do the show tonight but his manager called and told them that they had to get him out of there by 8pm. They're supposed to start the roast at 8. Howard said they're going to start the roast a little early at 7:30 instead.
Artie was goofing on Bob about the jokes that he tells and how he repeats them all the time. He was going to do the material but Bob went off on him about not having his own stuff. Howard let Bob go so he could do some other things.
Captain Janks called in and said that this is a big event in Philly because there are people holding parties and stuff by his house. Howard said this is going to be big. Janks thinks that TV shows are going to get lower ratings because so many people will be listening to this roast.
Howard took another call from a guy down in Louisiana who thanked Howard for doing a great show. Another guy asked how long it was going to be until something gay happened on the show. Howard said that Sal and Richard are going to get their rectal temperatures taken by Robin so that will happen sometime soon.
Howard whipped through a bunch of phone calls and let some people get in a few words. Everyone was looking forward to the roast. One guy said this was like the old WNBC days with Howard being on in the evening.
Howard mentioned that he had a lot of stuff to read through. Robin wondered when they were going to start drinking. Howard wasn't sure. He played more of Bob Levy trying to say Hedonism again and got a few more laughs out of that.
Howard said hello to Kerry and Lisette who were going to be handing out the drinks for everyone there. One of the girls was going to be the bartender and the other was going to be the cocktail waitress. Gary hadn't gotten Howard the names on a list so he went off on him about eating out in the office. Gary said he didn't even have that much and this had nothing to do with him eating.
Howard ordered up some drinks. Robin had a glass of champagne. Howard ordered Kettle One and club soda. Artie ordered a Jack and Water with lots of ice and a big straw. He likes to get that stuff into his blood system quick. No lime or lemon in that either. Benjy got a vodka and diet soda. Howard wanted them to give him regular soda but Benjy wanted the diet. Fred ordered a McCallum Scotch and Gary had a Heineken.
Howard asked Gary where the Eric stuff was and he had a mouth full of food so he had a tough time answering. He found the song that Eric was going to reference in his call so he played that. It was the one that Sal and Richard created. Eric also doesn't like the prank phone call that Sal and Richard made to a balloon store using clips of his voice. Howard played that as well.
Howard isn't sure why Eric is so upset about that stuff but now he's left a message for them that may be the strongest one he's left yet. He played the voice mail and Eric said that two things are going to happen before he comes in to fly. He said that hell will freeze over and pigs will fly before he subjects himself to that shit for that big nosed asshole of a boss of Will's. He said he's not going to do it and he's going to call Katherine McPhee and warn her against going on the show. He said he doesn't give a shit if he doesn't get to meet her. He said that Howard ruined his own chances of getting him on the show and now he's going to ruin his chances to get Katherine on the show.
Howard said that Eric is full of shit and they will get Eric to fly and they will get Katherine on the show. He thought it was a great message though.
Howard took his first sip and thanked the girls for the drink. He told them to go take a breather. He thanked Scores for sending the girls over.
Jeff the Drunk called in but Howard got distracted by the floor in the studio because it was so noisy. Gary said they're working on a fix but they'd have to rip up the whole floor to do it. Artie got his food but he was complaining that some of the foods had been mixed on the plate. The deli guy, Joe, came in so Artie told him he screwed up and got potato salad next to the other stuff. He said the food was really good though. The broccoli raab was really good. He and Joe spent a couple of minutes going over the food while Artie was stuffing his mouth. He said it was the best Broccoli Raab he's ever had.
Jeff the Drunk said that he should have been there tonight but Howard told him he's too high maintenance though. He was also supposed to be mourning over the death of his mother. Howard told him he needs a good year away from the show.
Jeff is back to doing nothing after his mother died. Artie joked that Jeff's mother is probably happy now that she's dead. She doesn't have to be around him and be miserable. Howard noticed that Artie was stuffing his face with food so he goofed on him a little bit about that.
Howard asked Jeff when he went back to not working after his mother died. That happened pretty quick. Gary came in and asked if they could play the voice mail he left on the day his mother died. Jeff didn't want him to play it yet but he eventually caved in and gave permission.
Howard was downing his vodka pretty quick so he told Gary to get on top of things and get more drinks in there. Howard asked Jeff when he's going to go back to beating off. Jeff said he's not sure when he's going to do that. Howard asked him if he's gone through his mother's stuff trying to find money. He said he hasn't done that. He's had a tough time since coming home from after his mother died and had to get over everything. He took a load of laundry out of the dryer and it was all his mother's clothes. They went right into the garbage after that.
Howard wondered if Jeff's mother had any jewelry that he'll try to sell. Jeff said his sisters have all of that so he's got none. Gary found the voice mail that Jeff left for them on the day his mother died. Howard played the clip and we hear Jeff asking that they not have Howard 100 News come to his mother's funeral to make a mockery of it. Howard said that's really self-centered of Jeff to even suggest that they'd do that. He said they did it for Clif Palette when he passed away.
Howard said it's funny how Jeff would do something like that on the day his mother died. He told Jeff that his whole life was a mockery of his mother. Jeff claims he took care of his mother but Howard thinks she was taking care of him.
Gary said that Colin Quinn was there and he loves Jeff so much that he does an impression of him falling down and actually falls when he does it. Colin did his impression and showed Howard what happens when he falls over on the show that's on Howard TV. Colin said the funny part is that Jeff has one arm and he wants to get into a fight with guys who have two arms. Howard told Colin to go back to the green room so he could make an entrance later.
Penny came in so Howard asked her what the guy's name was. She said it was ''Al Kazari'' which wasn't even close. Jason came in and said that Will heard her say the name wrong so he told everyone to keep it going. Penny said he was ready to quit because everyone is always making fun of her. She left but didn't sound like she was serious about quitting.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that Jeff the Drunk has been calling her and complaining that she doesn't call him back fast enough. Howard told Jessica that he had a lot to get to so he had to let her go. He took a few more phone calls after Jessica's call.
Howard was waiting for his second drink while everyone else was still working on theirs. He said that the roast is almost ready to go and they have the studio set up for the audience and for the comedians. The girls brought in a couple more drinks for the guys but Howard was the only one ready for one. Gary told Howard that Richard was already drunk and wobbling around.
JD asked to get a Jack and Coke. He had been at work since 2 in the morning so he was going to be wasted pretty quick. Richard came in and said he had about 5 beers already. He said he drank them pretty fast and he's been ''cheers-ing'' everybody there. He said he loves the guys there and this is great. Howard asked the girls to get JD a drink. He is over 21 even though he looks 14. Artie said he not only looks 14 but makes the salary of a 14 year old.
Howard wanted JD to hit on one of the girls so JD tried. The guys were trying to give him some advice on what to say but it wasn't going to work. JD knew that he would never get a girl like that. She told him that she loves that Clay Aiken look and JD walked out of the studio. Howard was starting to get a little belligerent and it was only an hour into the show.
Richard wanted to play a drinking game but when he described it, no one was interested. Artie got his second drink a short time later. Richard asked for a vodka and pineapple so they ordered that up for him. Gary told Howard that they had the video ready to go that they played on this morning's show that makes Richard puke. They played it and Richard started dry heaving right away. Howard was laughing his ass off while Richard struggled and dry heaved.
Richard checked out the video and kept puking. Will came in and asked if they wanted to take a breathalyzer test on him. He quickly did that but it wasn't working. Will tried again after resetting the tester. Fred was doing an impression of Richard puking as they were trying to get that to work. It still wasn't coming around though.
Howard downed his second drink and Gary asked him if he wanted some food from Nobu. Richie Notar brought up some food for them. Howard asked Gary to make up a plate for him. He had to take a break after that but he had a ton of stuff to get to. He mentioned a bunch of the stuff he had and asked Robin what she wanted to do next.
Howard said that they're going to do this show live from 6-10 and then they'll replay this morning's show and then play this show in the morning on Friday.
Howard read through some e-mail and one person wrote that they were really upset about Artie being in a movie called ''Artie'' that runs on Lifetime. Artie said he still gets checks from that movie and he doesn't seem to mind that it's running on Lifetime.
Howard read through some mail from people who want to hear certain old clips from the classic show archives. There were a ton of things that people asked to hear. He was also reading through some other stuff and screwing up his delivery because he was drunk.
Howard said that he heard from David Spade today and he said he was sorry for not calling in because he must have lost his mind when he got mad at Howard for the comments he made about the article he wrote for Time magazine.
Howard was ready to move on to the roast because he was so wasted already. Artie wasn't wasted yet so he was ready to keep drinking while Howard was pretty wasted already. He wanted to play something for Eric the Midget but when he went to play it the clip wasn't there. He gave up.
Howard wondered just how drunk he was because he felt so wasted. Fred found the song that Howard was looking for so he played it for him. It was the song that Sal sang as Eric the Midget. Howard then took a breathalyzer test to see just how high he was.
Howard was going to do a tribute to Dan the Song Parody Man but he didn't think he would do it justice. He had one bit he wanted to play instead. He tried taking the breathalyzer test and blew a .121 which is over the legal limit. Artie was up next. He tried blowing into the thing but wasn't able to keep much of a breath going. He blew a .38 but Will thought he had too much booze on his breath.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the show sounds great at night. He thinks they should do a week's worth of shows at night. Howard said people like a fresh show in the morning so he'll probably keep it in the morning. He would be thrilled to do it at night though. Robin said they should give it a try and see what happens.
Chris from the waxing thing this morning called in and asked if he could try to defend his title. Howard never answered him and moved on to some other callers. One guy gave a shout out to SternFanNetwork since so many people were on posting tonight.
Gary asked if they wanted to have Richard come in and blow another breathalyzer. Howard didn't care, he was going to talk about something they were going to do to Sal out there but he dropped it. Richard came in again and sounded even more drunk than he was earlier. He said he can stay pretty coherent when he's drunk and can even do his comedy while he's wasted.
Richard went off on Artie for goofing on his act because he thought he was being cool before when he told him he did really well with his act. The two drunks were going back and forth and Richard thought Artie was fucking with him. Howard told him that Artie is being honest because he's drunk.
Artie said that he sucked when he first started out, everyone does. Richard asked how he gets people to laugh then. Artie said the people all know him from the show. Sal then came in and said that Richard is really awful. Richard was calling them motherfuckers and saying that they were just screwing with him trying to get him pissed off because he was drunk.
Howard told Richard to blow into the breathalyzer. He took in a big breath and Sal hocked up a snot while he was breathing which made him sick. Artie told Richard to pretend that he was doing stand up and blow... Richard said he thinks Artie is just being brutal because he knows what's coming up.
Richard blew a .32 so Howard told him to calm down and take a big breath and let it out slowly. Richard tried again and blew until he blew a .26. The legal limit is .08. Sal told Howard that before the test he took the tube and shoved it up his ass. They showed video of him doing it and Richard said that the joke is on him because he doesn't care. He called Sal some names but Howard told him that they were just joking around, they gave him a clean one.
The guys asked Richard if he would put the dirty one in his mouth. A short time later he grabbed it and put it in there. Richard said the thing really stunk and wanted it away from him. Sal said he took a dump a half hour before he stuck the thing in there. Richard heard that and tried to puke on Sal but they ended up getting into a bit of a fight. Richard said he managed to puke on Sal's hand.
Richard was bleeding for some reason so Howard told him to clean up. Richard said he wanted to show the guys that he can piss into a toilet from 5 feet away after having a few drinks. They were ready to film him but he wasn't quite ready to go. Howard had to go to break right after that before they got to the roast.
Before Howard got to the break Richard mentioned that he would tongue kiss Sal if they wanted him to. Sal told him to come over to him and spit on him when he went to kiss him. Everyone laughed their asses off. Richard spit on him and said he would get him back after that. Artie asked why he would do such a thing, Richard was looking for the sweetness of a man's tongue. Howard wished everyone luck with the roast and went to break.
Gary told Howard that Mutt and his wife were there in the audience. Howard was meeting him for the first time so he told him he's been doing a great job with the Superfan Roundtable. He explained how Mutt had never done radio before but he's doing a great job.
Artie's cousin was in the audience so Gary introduced those guys. Artie filled Howard in on how long his cousin has been listening. Howard didn't even know what mic to open because he was so drunk. Howard talked to Colin Quinn for a short time and then asked some of the crowd how they got in there. One guy was bumped from the Daniel Carver roast so Gary put him on the list for this one. Eddie the Produce Guy was there after winning the chance to come in this morning.
Howard said that one of the guys there is this guy from a U2 tribute band called The Unforgettable Fire. Howard spoke to him for a short time. Robin pointed out the guy who was trying to bang Siobhan so Howard talked to him a little bit. He said he smoked a blunt before he came in there.
Howard turned the roast over to Rev. Bob Levy who started off with a few jokes about JD and about Artie's movie. He had some trouble with the word rotisserie so Artie goofed on him about that. Bob joked that ''Dirty Work'' isn't a movie, it's what Dana calls it when she has to fuck him. Artie was coming back with a bunch of jokes as soon as Bob told his jokes. Bob got in some good digs at his girlfriend and father too.
Colin Quinn told Artie to shut up because the roast hadn't even started yet. Mariann got in a few words so Artie called her a cunt again. Bob introduced Nick DiPaolo who said that Bob Levy is proof that Hitler killed all of the funny Jews. He went off on Jim Florentine next and then hit Howard about being a billionaire and how he was working for nothing. Nick also joked about Howard's tiny dick and how he has to part his pubes to take a piss. He goofed on his nose. There were some Jew jokes in there as well.
Nick then went off on Robin about her father and had some black jokes in there too. He said that no one is happier about Robin's new boat than Daniel Carver because when he tells her to go back to Africa, she actually can. Nick moved on to Colin Quinn and hit him with a couple of funny jokes about his career. Yucko took some abuse after that. Sal the Stockbroker was next on Nick's list and took some abuse about being pussy whipped. He even hit Gary and goofed on his teeth and breath. Nick hit Lisa Lampanelli with a couple of jokes about her smelly pussy
Nick finally got to Artie and got in a bunch of jokes about him being fat and many other things. He was joking about his coke problems and about how he got fired from MAD TV because of that. Nick wrapped up after that and had to get running to Caroline's Comedy Club. Howard gave him a few plugs and turned it back over to Bob.
Bob introduced Crackhead Bob next. Crackhead Bob got up and asked Artie what was up with him and gave everyone a ''fuck you all.'' Bob tried to get everyone to read his t-shirt that he made up for the evening. Howard wondered why he was on the roast. Howard turned it back over to Bob Levy after that.
Levy introduced Jim Florentine who started off going off on Bob Levy. Jim thanked Bob for not putting him on the Daniel Carver roast. He got in a joke about Nick and then moved on to Artie. He got in a bunch of jokes about Artie and Dana's relationship. He goofed on him about crying at a Michael Jackson concert. He also got in some digs about the load he took on his chest one time. He made fun of his movie career and said that his father didn't fall off the roof, he saw ''Dirty Work'' and jumped. He got in a few jokes about Artie's dad that didn't go over too well and had people moaning. Jim wrapped up and said that he knows that Artie has an addictive personality and he's hoping that he doesn't decide to suck a dick some day. Howard went to break after that.
Shuli got up and goofed on Bob a little bit about the Daniel Carver roast since that didn't go to well. He also got Yucko the Clown with a few jokes and then moved on to Colin Quinn. He goofed on his old TV show and the crowd went silent. Shuli then moved on to Artie and goofed on his relationship with Dana. He goofed on his fat and got the crowd laughing again. He joked about Artie's movie career and stuff like that. He did have Howard laughing quite a bit. He got in a good one when he said that ''Beer League'' was opening on September 18th and Artie corrected him saying it was the 15th. Shuli said the 18th must be the day it's closing. Shuli wrapped up a short time later. He said that Artie might be trying to follow in John Belushi's career but at least Belushi had one hit movie and knew when to die.
Howard took a few phone calls and then turned it back over to Bob Levy. Bob then introduced Sal the Stockbroker who went right into his Artie jokes. He said this was the first time he was roasting a pig without an apple. He got in a couple of jokes about Lisa Lampanelli. He had Howard cracking up with those jokes. Then Sal got back to Artie and goofed on how fat he is. He said when he walked out on the Jimmy Kimmel show his whole living room shook. He was goofing on Artie's dad and said that the only vegetable that he ever loved was his father. He then went off on Artie's dating life and goofed on Dana a little bit. He even got in a few jokes about Howard's girlfriend Beth.
Sal goofed on Artie's movie career and had some funny jokes about the bad movies he's put out. Sal said that Artie's was miserable making the movie and just think how people are going to feel watching it. He wrapped up a short time later. Howard thought that was pretty brutal and he might have to take a break after that. They went to commercial.
Double A called in to say that Sal was a grand slam. He said he kicks ass on the roasts every time. Sal thanked him for that. Howard asked Crackhead Bob how he was doing and then turned it over to Bob again. Richard came in around then. Howard said they had to cut him off because he was too drunk. Richard said that Sal did great on the roast and said that he rules.
Richard was standing over Doug Goodstein's father so Howard warned him that he was in the wrong place. Richard said he wanted to get a drink because he didn't have anything out in the office. Howard turned the roast back over to Rev. Bob Levy who introduced Mariann from Brooklyn. Mariann was there to get back at Artie for calling her a cunt. She asked him to look her in the eye as she did this. Mariann tried to do a few jokes but there weren't many laughs coming from the crowd. She did have a couple of funny ones. She kept it pretty short.
Howard said that Yucko was pretty quiet sitting there. Yucko said he was just taking it all in and getting ready to do his thing.
Bob turned it over to Andrew Dice Clay who taped something for them to watch. Howard had them play the tape where Dice went off on Artie for not calling him back. Dice was goofing on Artie about the letter he wrote to his girlfriend to get her back. He kept bringing up how Artie won't call him back. He was glad he didn't fly in for the roast and said that Artie's girlfriend would probably want to sleep with him if he had flown in. He used his joke about shooting cum in her mouth and making it look like her teeth were melting. Artie said that they should have flown out to L.A. for that one...
Howard took a couple of phone calls from fans who wanted to comment on the roast. Howard had some issues with one caller that had the show repeating over and over again in some odd way. Howard didn't know what was going on so he ended the call and turned it back over to Bob who introduced Yucko the Clown.
Yucko went right for Mariann and goofed on her bad jokes. He got to Colin for a few seconds and then went right for Artie. He got in some racist jokes about him and then some fat jokes. He asked him if he was retaining Jack and waters. He also got in some jokes about Dana. Yucko had Artie laughing pretty hard at a couple of points. The daddy jokes went a little too far and then he got in a black joke about Robin. Artie said it wouldn't have been a roast without the jokes about Robin. Yucko ended his roast with a joke about Artie's sister.
Howard said that you can see Yucko in the September issue of Hustler magazine. Yucko said he did some stupid interview for them and he's getting fingered by Sal in that interview. Howard gave plugs to a bunch of the guys and then turned it back over to Bob.
Bob introduced Richard Christy who had another drink. He said he had about 9 beers, 2 vodkas and some saki. Howard wanted him cut off but Richard wanted to keep going because he wasn't seeing double yet. Richard had a song to sing so Howard had to find the music bed on his computer. Richard then sang a song about Artie's dad getting the shit taken out of his ass. He actually came through pretty good for being so drunk. The song was to The Who's ''Won't Get Fooled Again.''
Gary came in and did another breathalyzer test on Richard. He blew a .4. Howard said they have to cut him off now. Richard wanted to finish the drinks he had but Howard wanted him to stop right then. Howard took some more phone calls and one guy liked the show being on at night like this.
Bob Levy got back up and introduced Lisa Lampanelli. He wasn't able to pronounce her name so Howard tried to get him to say it right. He finally got it when he sounded it out. Lisa got up and got in a few digs at Bob. She then got into her Artie jokes and goofed on him about Dice taking the time to send in a tape for his roast. She got in a few digs at Dice as well. She then went off on Artie about being fat. She thanked Howard for being there and then got in some jokes about him being on satellite radio. She said that ''Howard 100'' is the number of people listening.
Lisa got back to Artie and goofed on his dick a little bit. Then she went off on Yucko the Clown. Colin Quinn took some abuse from Lisa as well. Then she hit Shuli with a few jokes about his height. She moved on to Sal a short time later and got in some good ones about him. She then got back to Artie again and said she loved his movie ''Dirty Work'' because it had a happy ending... The projector broke. She also said the only extras it should have had on the DVD was an apology. Lisa gave a huge speech about Artie and how proud she is of him. She said that he gets people going every morning while they're taking a shit.
Howard took some more phone calls after Lisa was done. One guy said this was great because he's in high school and can't hear the show in the morning. Ralph pointed out that Artie was about to pass out sitting there. The caller told Mutt that SFN was down for a little while and the site was slow since then. Howard told the guy to leave Mutt alone, this is his time alone. Mutt said he'd get on that as soon as the roast was done.
Bob had one more comic left, Colin Quinn. Colin got up and went off on Bob saying that he must not have put this roast together because it's so good. Colin got in a few about Jim Florentine and Lisa Lampanelli. He had a bunch of jokes about her and had Howard and Robin laughing pretty hard. He got in a couple of jokes about Shuli and then Gary. He goofed on Robin about her having sex with fruits and vegetables. He said Fred looks like a retarded Gary Oldman. Yucko the Clown took a couple of hits from Colin. He then went off on Richard Christy about his complexion. He goofed on Sal about his make-up cream and his stalker like attitude toward Howard. Colin got in a few jokes about Ronnie the Limo Driver as well.
Colin got in a few digs at Howard too. He had Artie laughing his ass off at the Howard jokes. He was goofing on him about the gay shows he watches and things like that. Colin then moved on to Artie and goofed on him about being overweight and about his movie. He said that his laugh sounds like Gary the Retard cumming. He also said he has a woman he'd like him to meet if he ever breaks up with Dana... Jenny Craig. Colin told Artie that everyone loves him except for Dana after trying to get him to quit drinking.
Artie went off on Colin Quinn a little bit saying that now that Charles Rockett is dead, Colin is the least known guy that did Saturday Night Live. Artie then got in a few digs at Howard about the TV shows he watches. He went off on Dice about sending in the tape. He said the last time Dice sold out the Garden, all of the Knicks were white. He got in some jokes about Lisa Lampanelli and her being overweight. He also goofed on Jim Florentine and his girlfriend. He went off on Lisa a little more about her weight and looks.
Artie hit Shuli with a few jokes and even quoted Robin and called her a ''big, fat nig*** cunt.'' Crackhead Bob and Nick DiPaolo were on Artie's list. He thanked everyone for coming out and got in a plug for his movie that's coming out September 15th.
Howard started to wrap up the roast and thanked Bob Levy for hosting. He gave him some plugs for his upcoming gigs and then gave a bunch of the other guys their plugs. Howard thanked everyone for coming in and found out that Lisa is actually dating a white guy right now. She said she lost 20 pounds and now she's able to get a white guy.
Howard wanted to take some phone calls but the guys wanted to get out of there and go to Scores. Everyone cheered when Howard asked who was going. He tried to take a call but got silence so he went to commercial break.
Howard asked Artie why he wouldn't take off his leather jacket during the roast because he was sweating. Artie said he was trying to look good. Howard said the leather coat is what was making him so hot. Ralph thought it was funny that he's worried about his looks when you think he's one of those guys who doesn't care. Artie said it was very calculated, he was trying to look cool.
Howard said he was having fun during the roast but Robin thought he looked a bit out of it. He said he was trying to run the show and he peaked early in the show when he was drinking. Howard asked Artie if he was okay. Artie said he was a bit lit.
Howard asked Fred what he thought about the roast. Fred said it was great, A#1. Ralph said he liked Colin Quinn's line about Fred looking like a retarded Gary Oldman. Fred said it's too bad that Colin wasn't funny on TV.
Gary interrupted and said that Richard was trying to do the pee thing where he goes 5 feet away from the toilet but he ended up peeing all over the bathroom. The guys were able to watch as it was going on and saw Richard with his hands in the toilet and then shoving Sal's head into the toilet. Sal then freaked out and Howard tried to describe what was going on. There was piss in the toilet and Sal was going nuts.
Richard said that Sal was trying to splash water on him so he took Sal's head and gave him a ''swirly'' in the toilet. Richard explained how he was doing his pee trick and peeing from 5 feet away from the toilet. He missed a little bit and started to wipe it off. He put too many in the toilet and had to pull some out. Sal said he came in and tried to splash it and that's when Richard grabbed him by the neck and stuck his head in the toilet.
Richard said that Sal was up to something and did something to Sal. The two of them were spitting on each other so Howard told them they were both cut off. Sal came in with silly string and sprayed Richard down with that. You could hear someone spitting at that point. Howard said that Sal was covered in urine and things were out of control. He said that both of them smelled like piss.
Sal said he wasn't even going to go home tonight after that. Richard said it was an honor to get cut off by Howard Stern. Howard told the guys to go sober up a bit. Richard asked if they were going to take their anal temperatures like they planned on doing. Howard thought they were too drunk to do that but Ralph begged them to do it.
Will wanted to put the two of them on the Sybian but they had done that already and didn't want to do that again. Howard asked Robin if she wanted to do the rectal temperature thing. She wanted to know if they had the thermometers. Richard looked like he was going to piss on the couch so everyone freaked out for a few seconds.
Will went over and gave Richard a smack on his ass. Everyone was going nuts so Howard had to try and calm everyone down. Robin came out of her booth and lubed up the thermometers. The two guys were on the floor on their bellies. She refused to touch them without a glove on though. She didn't want Sal messing with her. Sal couldn't believe that this was happening. Richard asked for a drink but Howard refused.
Sal went nuts when she put the thermometer in there. He said it was burning when she put it in. He asked ''how do fags do this?'' as he was screaming out in pain. Howard had Robin stick Richard's thermometer in. Howard wanted to end all of this but the guys were still going crazy. Robin said that Richard looked disgusting. She saw hemorrhoids on his ass. Richard was screaming out in pain after she shoved his thermometer in. There was some confusion going on in the studio. Everyone was drunk and talking over everyone else.
Robin said that Richard's ass was really white and there were hairs and freckles all over him. Ralph said that Artie was wandering all over the studio. A few minutes later Robin checked the thermometer from Sal's ass and it was at 98.6. Richard had a little more time left on his. He thought that the thing was twisting around in his ass but no one was touching it. Richard's ass read 98.5.
Sal figured he had won so he shoved his thermometer in Richard's mouth. Richard then spit on him so Howard asked them to please stop spitting. Howard as asking a question when Richard got up and stuck his thermometer into Sal's mouth. Howard told the two of them to get out of the studio. Richard told him that it was a shit for a shit. He said he could taste Sal's shit after that got shoved in his mouth.
Sal dragged Richard out of the studio and Ralph said they now need to replace everything in the studio over the weekend. Howard described what had just gone on in the bathroom and how great it's going to be on Howard TV when it gets on. They went through the whole thing and talked about the thermometer thing and how that went on after all of the bathroom stuff went on.
Howard told Ralph to go calm down in the other room so he could get control of the studio again. Ralph said goodbye as Eric the Midget. Artie was still trying to recover from what had just gone on in there. Ralph said that if people haven't subscribed, they have to subscribe now.
Gary came in and said he heard a noise in the hall so he opened his door after hearing Richard in the hall making noise. He was putting beer in his mouth and spitting it into a garbage can to get the taste of shit out of his mouth. Howard wondered if anyone followed what was going on during the temperature taking. The guys thought that it was easy to follow.
Ralph said that Robin taking their temperature was probably the funniest thing he had ever seen on the show. Gary was disturbed by how easy Richard got up on all fours and opened up his asshole.
Ralph goofed on Eric a little more and said that he's the greatest guest ever. He figures that he will get a ton of feedback on his Myspace account and change his mind.
Fred played the song parody that Eric hates so much. Ralph said he loves that song. Everyone was laughing their ass off at the song.
Artie saw Richard on camera and he had drool hanging out of his mouth or something. Robin said that he was foaming at the mouth. Gary came in and said that Richard was crazy drunk. Bob Levy was out in the hall puking too so Ralph almost puked in the studio. Howard was watching on the monitors and said that someone needs to take care of Richard because he's such a mess. Ronnie the Limo Driver said that Levy is throwing up all over the place, Richard is throwing up all over the place, it's completely out of control.
Howard said they can't do these shows at night anymore. Gary said that this is the best show ever. Richard came in a short time later and said that he was fine, he was out there messing with Bob. Ralph said that Bob threw up really bad out there. Richard was drooling on himself again so Howard had to kick him out of the studio. JD came in asking for another Jack and Coke but Howard wanted to cut him off too. JD said he wasn't drunk and drooling all over himself like Richard was.
Artie said that this whole show has sunk to something insane. Howard said that this is going to be the best TV show ever.
Howard wanted more Eric the Midget songs but he wasn't sure if they had any. He said he knows that Gary is going to come in the studio in about 5 minutes and tell him that the office is on fire. Fred found another Eric the Midget song that they earlier in the morning. That got everyone to forget about all of the other stuff for a short time. They goofed on Eric for being such a huge fan of Katherine McPhee's that all of this stuff is coming out. He said that all of the calls, songs and goofing is because he likes Katherine McPhee.
Howard asked Keith about what went on in Iraq. He said he collapsed on a mission and he found out that he has diabetes. They wouldn't send him back after that so he's back home now. Keith said he talked to the guys about Howard to make his days go by over in Iraq. He said he just wants to give Howard a big hug because he means so much to him.
Keith said he'll keep in touch and he'll be in when he gets a chance. Howard thanked him for the call and said he's a great guy. He was worried about him fighting over in Iraq. It's probably best that he collapsed over there and made it home alive. He let him go and spent a few more minutes talking about the roast.
Howard went over Mark's gay sex story again. He found out about how he sucked a guy off in a truck one time. Mark said he finished on the guy's face and the other guy finished in his face.
High Pitch Eric called in and yelled at Mark. He has a problem with him because he thinks he's trying to take his spot on the show. Howard asked Eric who can suck a penis better, him or Mark. Eric said Mark can do it better. The two of them were going back and forth but Howard wanted to end the show.
Howard took one more call and let a woman give her thoughts on the roast. He asked her if she was able to follow what was going on after the roast. She said she was able to follow it and she'll be listening again tomorrow morning.
Howard said he was ready to end the show. Artie was tired and drunk but that wasn't stopping him from going to Scores. Howard wasn't going to Scores, he was going home to get some sleep. Gary came in and said that Richard was still drinking and he wanted to know how to stop him. Howard told him to take them away from him, he doesn't want him drinking anymore. Richard said he wasn't seeing double yet so he was fine. Howard thought it was enough and he should stop. He was on his way to Scores with the rest of the guys though.
Howard ended the show around 10:10pm.
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