Howard started off the show asking how many years he's been doing this stuff. Robin told him it's been about 30 years. He talked about how he doesn't want to count his college radio years because that's gay. He talked about some of the stations he worked at in the early years. He said he got a job at a station up in Massachusetts while he was in college but the guy failed to pay him. He said it was a progressive AM radio station in the Boston area called WNTN. It was on it's last legs and was about to be bought and turned into a MOR (Middle of the Road) station. He didn't know that at the time though.
Howard said he knew he was awful back then but they did hire him. He was going to get paid a couple of bucks an hour. His father helped him out getting him a car so he could drive there since he didn't have any transportation back then.
Howard said he went there and did his job and then pay day rolled around and he didn't get any pay. He said he was so thrilled that he had a job that he wasn't even thinking about the pay. He said that would have been his first professional job if he had actually gotten paid. He went to ask them about his pay and he was told he was lucky that he was working there at all. Then they gave him the speech about him being horrible on the air and if he wanted to leave he could leave. Robin said that was a horrible thing to do to someone.
Howard figured that was back in 1975 or so. The guy didn't care if he stayed or left because he was so bad on the air. That guy was in over his head anyway because he wasn't getting paid either. Howard said that guy had to produce a Sunday show for the station and ended up having some trouble with the tape recorder and cursed a bunch of times. The guy ended up turning himself in because he was so afraid of the FCC. He actually wrote a letter to the FCC telling them what he had done.
Howard said that back then they had to take meter readings for the FCC. He said he would make up his own readings and not actually do it correctly. Some of the station people would tell him that he had to take the meter readings because there was a field manager out there taking his own readings.
Howard said that he used to have to write down all of the start and end times for everything on the show and it was a nightmare. He said he would actually have nightmares just thinking about doing a radio show. He just wanted to come in and do a show though.
Howard talked about his days at WCCC when he was working all kinds of shows for them. His boss would call him and test him on the meter readings and stuff. He said the guy would ask him to play a mono record to test the meters out and he'd be freaking out. The guy would ask him if he was sure about the readings and treated him like a little kid.
Howard didn't understand math and all of the meter readings but they had to do the tests every 3 hours. He's not even sure why he stayed in the business. Fred said he used to know all of the formulas for those meter readings but he's since forgotten them. Fred said they always threatened that they might get knocked off the air if they set one dial the wrong way.
Gary said he remembers having to make adjustments to the equipment to get the meters to read right. Howard said he remembers the engineers at these stations being some fat guy who didn't want to be there. Howard said that Scott the Engineer is the skinniest of the engineers and the most motivated. Howard asked Gary to let him tell the stories because he doesn't want to hear him telling his stories.
Howard said that the Howard TV guys have to pay attention to their lighting instead of asking him how hard his job could have been back then on radio. He now has to go back and look at all of the TV shows to figure out what they're doing wrong.
Howard went off on Scott DePace about the lighting because he's the one who just decides to light him the way he wants to. Scott said that they got some mail about the Robin's boat episode. Howard said he wants to sink that boat over that whole thing. Scott also said they asked Gary what's involved in the meter reading and Gary turned it into something else.
Artie said that Gary was just deflecting toward the Howard TV guys and it blew up into this whole thing. Howard said he'll be going back to talk to Scott about that whole thing. Scott said that Howard doesn't understand anything that's going on. He said they've had issues with that studio from the start. He said he was in the meetings for the studio design and they have issues with which cameras to use and stuff like that. Howard said he'll come back and figure it all out today.
Howard told Scott to stop designing golf toys and concentrate on the TV show. He said that Scott lit his ''golf caddy'' better in his commercial than he lights him in the studio. Howard said he thinks that when Scott lost his hair he lost the ability to light him. He's supposed to have his back in there.
Scott said that he'd like to take back some of the decisions they made about the studio but they can't so they just have to move on. Howard said that maybe Scott should be fixing the lights before he goes off and plays Xbox 360 online.
Howard told Scott to take a picture of him from the Robin's Boat episode and put that next to Nesforatu since that's who he thinks he looks like. He said that he doesn't want to be shot head on because he knows how bad he looks when he's shot that way. They have a couple of cameras in the studio that shoot him from his right side since that's his good side.
Howard was looking at the pictures of himself next to Nesforatu and how he has to live with the tape of him being shot from head on in that Robin's Boat episode. He said they had better not show that on the one cent preview they're doing.
Howard was wondering if they should load up the shows on Wednesday and Thursday with a ton of stuff or just do the regular show. Robin said they should probably load up the show for the fans. The guys talked about how they have the Baba Booey roast coming up on Thursday and the Bitter Half radio sitcom coming up on Wednesday.
Gary said that they have Danny Bonaduce and Sharon Osbourne coming in on Wednesday. They also have Pete Townshend calling in and some other guests that might be calling in as well. Howard said that Scott Greenstein wants him to have even more celebrities to call in but that's not what his real fans of the show want to hear. He said they probably just want to reconnect with what they've been missing. He said that maybe they should play clips from the past 10 months to show people what has happened.
Gary said that they're working on putting together some of the great clips from shows that have gone on in the past 10 months and even some stuff from K-Rock that they can play uncensored. Howard demonstrated what they could play and had a clip from when Richard got his balls waxed on the air. He played some of the audio of that. Gary said he's going to re-cut that one to have more of the story in there. They could also play Artie's kiss with Blue Iris and Carmen Electra's Sybian ride.
Gary said that Carmen was in town last week and they never heard from her. Howard thinks that she's banned from the show for a while since she got into some trouble with her people for that Sybian ride.
Gary talked about the rest of the game and how the Mets really blew it with the bases loaded. He said that it was like the Mets fans were punched in the stomach when the Mets lost. He
Howard said that Artie flew out to L.A. on Thursday to shoot an opening for the World Series. Artie said he was there for like 6 hours and flew back home. He said he doesn't like having to stay out there because he'd rather be home in bed on the weekend. Artie said he missed Jerry Stiller's scene and he would have liked to have spoken to him.
Artie said he got a couple of World Series tickets that he might be able to give away to the fans if they can do that. Gary said that they might have rules about giving away the tickets because there are so many rules about that stuff. Howard said that they paid Artie with tickets so he should be allowed to do whatever he wants with them. Howard said that they have to let him give them away if they paid him with tickets.
Artie said that if he can give them away, he wants to give them away to a couple of fans in St. Louis. Artie said that he might have to confirm that he can actually give them away before they do this.
Howard asked Artie how he remembers the lines for the stuff he shot. Artie said he had the script on him from Thursday morning so he had to memorize them by that night. Howard played some of the audio from that opening for the World Series where Artie was rambling off a bunch of lines. Howard asked him if he had to do that in one stretch. Artie said he did and he's been blessed with the ability to memorize lines like that. He said he could never memorize stuff in school because he was so disinterested in that stuff.
Howard talked about how great his kids are in school and how he's relieved about that. He said they do great in school and don't even have to study that much.
Howard finds it funny that Artie is losing to Crazy Alice and Big Foot. That led to the guys talking about how much Crazy Alice hates Artie these days. He had a voice mail to play but he got sidetracked when he brought up his mother's 79th birthday party that they held over the weekend. He spent a short time on that before Artie said he had a bit of an emotional weekend.
Gary said that he gave the book of that movie ''Flags of Our Fathers'' to his father a couple of years ago and he ended up crying a couple of times during the movie because he was reminded of that. He said that he went to see the movie with Jon Hein and when they came out they didn't say a word to each other.
Gary said that Debbie Schlussel wrote an anti-Flags of Our Fathers article and he thinks that she's just writing these articles to get some attention but she never does get the attention. Gary said that Jon Hein must have known that he was crying because he did ask him about one of the scenes. Jon came in and said he had a feeling that Gary was crying but he didn't know for sure.
Gary said that his father was in some hand-to-hand combat but he would never talk about wether or not he killed anyone. He figured that he had but it was never discussed. He said the guy who wrote the book wrote it about his father so that's where the story came from.
Artie talked about what happens on Iwo Jima in the movie because it was so disturbing. There were a lot of Marines who were slaughtered there on the island because they didn't know that the Japanese were hidden in underground passageways on the island. Howard said that you can learn from that whole thing and compare it to Iraq. He said that we shouldn't be doing any hand-to-hand combat and we should just be nuking countries if we're in a war with them.
Artie said that in the movie the Japanese are told that they are to take out 10 of the enemy before they die. That's what they did back then. Taking that island though saved about 4000 pilots because they were able to make emergency landings there.
Howard said his father loves when Artie goofs on Crazy Alice and sets her off. He does it the same way each time she calls in and it works every time.
Howard said that a lot of people saw the ad for the free SIRIUS trial that's taking place on Wednesday and Thursday. He talked about some of the stuff they had coming up on those two days. They also have a penny preview going on with Howard TV On Demand on November 3-5.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard was on Breaking Bonaduce this weekend and he looked horrible. Howard said he wasn't aware of that. The caller told him he really has to wear those dark glasses to cover up his face. Howard said that's why he asks to be shot from a certain angle by the Howard TV guys.
Howard said Danny was there shooting some stuff when he did a week of shows there. The caller said that they showed a bunch of SIRIUS logos and stuff like that in the 2 minutes or so of the show. JD came in and said that they actually used a lower angle and didn't shoot Howard head on so he's not sure what the caller is talking about. Howard played some audio from that Breaking Bonaduce show where he was talking to Danny about doing some shows for them.
The guys talked about that Breaking Bonaduce show for a minute. Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who said he saw Beth's interview with Carmen Electra last night. He said they looked really good doing some sexy dancing together. Howard said that Beth is a correspondent for Extra so that's why she got that interview. He said that Beth didn't come home and do any dancing for him because she's really self conscious in the bedroom. He said she won't even show him her ass.
Howard got back to his looks again. He was talking about the way he's lit in the studio and that led to Benjy asking Howard if it was true that he has some kind of light sensitivity because he read that in People magazine many years ago. Howard said that was all made up, he doesn't have any light sensitivity. Howard said he's been wearing sunglasses since he was a little kid and even had the nickname ''shades of blue'' when he was a kid. Howard said he's always enjoyed wearing glasses.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Howard looked fine on the Breaking Bonaduce show and he's not that bad looking. She said she likes to see his blue eyes in the Howard TV shows. John Boy called in and said that he thought he looked good in the SIRIUS commercials that have been running over the weekend.
Siobhan thinks that Richard Christy ruined that whole day because he was puking in her apartment as the guy was trying to have sex with her. She was also asking Howard why he can't get her a job there on the show. Howard said ''Dude, I don't have a job for you...'' Siobhan asked for an agent or something so she could do voice overs and stuff like that. Howard told her to get some issues of Variety or Back Stage magazines to find some work. Howard told her to help herself out and get some auditions if that's what she wants to do. He told her he can't help her out.
Howard asked Siobhan if she knows how he got to where he's at. He wasn't someone that people wanted to hire. Siobhan complained about having a bad back and was asking about lugging around cables for the TV guys or something. Siobhan also complained about not being invited to the roasts or anything. Howard told her that she's not his charity case that he has to think about every day. He's got a lot of people he thinks about all day and she's not on that list.
Howard said that he doesn't love her and it's not his fault if she doesn't have a family. Howard said he was trying not to insult her. He said that she called and asked him to help her get laid so that's what he did. Now he did that and she wants him to do even more stuff for her.
Siobhan asked Howard why he couldn't get her a good looking porn star or someone like that to bang her. Howard said they just didn't have anyone call in offering to do that. Artie told Siobhan that he has a voice over guy that he deals with but if she doesn't have a demo tape to send, they're not going to be able to help her out. Siobhan said she has no way to make something like that. Howard said that she was able to figure out how to chop her cock off, she should be able to figure out how to make a living.
Siobhan said that she's up against a lot of bigotry out there trying to find a job. Howard said that she's not employable because no one wants to see her in the service industry. Siobhan said that Howard's show is probably the only one that would hire her. Howard told her he doesn't have a job for her.
Gary came in and said that Siobhan called them last week asking to be their security guard. She said it wasn't last week but that was one suggestion she had. Siobhan said that she has a college degree and she is able to do things. Howard said that she sits at home all day but she doesn't even know how to use a computer. She just sits around her house all day. She claims that she's runs around all day trying to make money.
Howard told her to become a dog walker or something like that. She said she was a vet tech at one time but they won't hire her to do that anymore because of bigotry. Howard told her that maybe she should have thought about that before chopping her cock off. Howard said they look for a person who is qualified for a job because they can't just hire anyone there with the budget they have.
Gary said he gets the feeling that Siobhan is very hard to work with and that's why she gets fired. Howard told her that maybe she should read Dr. Sarno's book (''Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection'') to get over her back pain. She said that's what got her into trouble to begin with and she should have gone to the doctor years ago.
Howard and Siobhan went back and forth over all of that stuff and Siobhan was pissed that Howard always tells her he loves her when it's not true. Howard said he likes the guy but he can't just give her a job. Siobhan hung up after getting upset with Howard. Howard spent a few more minutes talking about how he's not sure what she wants him to do for her, he can't just give her a job.
Howard said that if the show gives someone a problem, they shouldn't be on it. Artie said that the one place where they'll take anyone is a comedy club. If she can make people laugh, they're hire her. Gary said that Siobhan has been doing some stand-up lately so she's already doing that. Howard said he will promote her gigs if she wants but she has to let him know. Howard had to take a break a short time later.
Howard said that their old board op, Louis, from K-Rock has his own coffee business going. He said he liked the guy so he'd give him a plug for the web site OmomaCoffee.com.
Artie said he had some good news, the vending machine there now has Entenmanns Soft Chocolate Chip Cookies. Howard told him he's killing himself eating all of that crap. He said that it's amazing that Artie doesn't get sick though.
Artie talked about being out in L.A. on Thursday and how the wardrobe chick out there was telling him that maybe he could wear a Mets jersey or something. He said he can't do that because he's a Yankees fan. Artie said she had to go out and get him a plain shirt. He said the shirt was way too tight on him and he almost ripped it open when he high fived someone.
Mutt called in so Howard asked him what's going on there. Mutt said they're giving away some SIRIUS radios as a promo and that registration ended up screwing things up for the forums. He said it's fixed as of this morning. The quiz is about what people listen to and it's all for the advertisers. Howard asked Mutt how much he's making with that site. Mutt said it pays the bills for hosting and all of that. Mutt said he hasn't been able to quit his job or anything like that.
Artie asked Mutt what he does for a living. He's an electrical contractor. He just quotes jobs and oversees a bunch of guys. Artie said that pays some good money. Jon Hein came in and said that when he was running his site he never wanted to make people register. He said that Mutt is in a tough spot because he doesn't want to chase away the fans. Mutt said you don't even have to be registered there at the site to read the stuff. Howard said he just wanted to know what was going on. He gave him a plug for the Superfan Roundtable that airs on Thursday night at 7pm on Howard 101. That will be part of the free trial they're doing this week.
Lisa G said that there's a new On Demand channel called Shalom TV and they're giving Howard credit for helping them get started because they weren't able to get it on until Howard's On Demand show became so popular. Lisa also said that they will have a story about Gary picking off the tops of cupcakes that they get delivered there. Gary said that happened one time.
Howard let Lisa go and talked about how Sal and Gary are in Gary's office fighting. He said it would be much better if Gary left the audio on so they could hear it. Gary said that Sal is so brave about it when he's doing that stuff but he makes a mess. Then he tells Sal to come and clean it up and he apologizes to him for that. Howard was laughing but Gary wasn't thrilled that he had to have Sal clean that crap up.
Gary asked Howard to tell Sal to stop that stuff because he encourages him to do it more. Artie told Gary to beat the shit out of Sal until he has to go to the hospital. Gary told Sal he was going to beat the shit out of him and to get out of the studio but Sal wouldn't stop.
Howard read some mail about Elliot and people don't want to hear him on the air anymore. Other people said they liked him until last Thursday when he called in and pissed them off.
Howard played the latest rap song from Grover who does a weekly Wrap Up of the show. He covered all of the major events from last week's show. Howard said that guy is good and gets everything in from the week. He said he told the guys from the web site to put his raps up there so people can check them out.
Howard played a new Baba Booey song parody and watched Sal cleaning up Gary's office while that was going on. He said that Gary dumped even more confetti in his office so Sal had to clean that up as well.
Howard brought up this story about Madonna who tried to adopt this child from Malawi. The father is now saying that he didn't know that he was giving up the rights to his child and he wants him back. Howard said the father is now going to ruin the kid's opportunity of a lifetime. Robin said someone got a hold of the story and is really working it because they're jerking everyone around.
Howard said that this guy is a motherfucker for doing this to Madonna and the kid. He said that the guy put his kid in an orphanage and if he wanted the kid to begin with, he shouldn't have put him there. Artie wondered if Howard thinks that it would be the right thing to do by giving the father some money to raise the kid instead of her adopting it. Howard said it's not her job to pay to raise some kid. He doesn't agree with that at all. He said that this father wants someone to adopt the kid but to bring the kid to visit him.
Howard also went off on this ''fucking bitch,'' Heather Mills, who wants half of Paul McCartney's money after only being with him for 3 years. Howard said Paul looks like he's shriveled up and she looks like she could kick his ass so he's not sure how he could beat her up like she's claiming. He said that she's entitled to nothing.
Howard talked about a few other news stories. He said that Pedro Martinez used to carry around this little midget guy and he just died. He said that the midget was 2'4'' tall and fell ill recently. The guy was married and had a 2 year old kid. Howard said you don't find may people like that because they usually kill them off before they're born these days.
Howard said he was reading about the radio ratings in the New York City area. He said that he didn't even understand what the guy was talking about because everything was so confusing with the deejay names. He read the article and tried to figure it out but he couldn't follow the black station news. He said he couldn't follow who was in the lead but he also didn't care.
Howard said they've gotten a few voice mail messages from Wendy the Retard where she goes off on a Gary. Howard thought she might be going off on Gary the Retard but she calls him a monkey so maybe it was Gary Dell'Abate. Howard played one clip and in it she mentions Gary Dell'Abate so it was about him.
Gary came in and told Howard he thought Wendy was going off on Gary the Retard. Howard replayed the clip fro him so he could hear it.
Gary told Howard that Brooke Hogan was there and she had her whole family there. Paul Wall was there to perform with Brooke live in the studio and they have dancers with them as well. Howard said they have to have those dancers in there. Gary said it was like the Tasmanian devil had come in because everything was swirling around that family when they came in.
Howard said he would like to date Brooke and Hulk doesn't have any choice in the matter. He said he'd like to marry her and just sit back and wait for the money to roll in when Hulk is gone. Gary said that Howard cold find someone as hot as Brooke but without the whole family thing going on. Howard said he'd be in it for the money, nothing else. He said he was going to take a break and bring them in after that.
Ronnie came in and told Howard that Brooke's outfit was outrageous so Howard wanted to hurry up and take the break.
Howard asked Hulk what he thinks about him marrying his daughter. Hulk said that he likes the experimental plane idea and that Howard should be the one flying it. That way he could take in that $100 million a year.
Howard asked Hulk how much money he's put into his daughter's career and if he's going to be able to pay that off. Brooke said that they're close to that and the album, Undiscovered, is coming out tomorrow.
Hulk said that he told Brooke that when she turned 18 she could come and go as she pleases from the house. He's not as tough on her as he used to be. Hulk said that his son is the one he's worried about now. Everyone was wearing grills on their teeth from this guy Paul Wall (GrillsByPaulWall.com). Brooke said that she can't wear one right now because she's got braces on the back of her teeth right now.
Brooke also brought up Nick Carter who was on the show recently and said that she didn't have sex with him, all she did was kiss him. She said she's still a virgin and the furthest she's gone is 2nd or 3rd base. Howard asked Hulk how she got that far under the watchful eye of her father. Brooke said she hasn't touched a guy down there yet. Howard said that 3rd base is hand down the pants but Brooke said that everything was above the waist.
Howard asked Linda about talking sex with Brooke. Linda said that she had gone to 3rd base by the time she was Brooke's age. Brooke said that she hasn't had time to go any further than she has at this point. She hasn't had time to have a boyfriend. Hulk asked Nick what he knows about his sister. Nick said he knows nothing.
Howard said he thinks that Brooke has gone farther than she's admitting but she's afraid of telling her father. She swore on the lives of her future kids that she hasn't gone any further than she said. Howard said that Nick Carter is acting like he slipped Brooke the salami.
Hulk told Howard that he has his blessing if he wants to date his daughter. He said he's seen some of the other guys who want to date her and Howard is much better. Howard told the family that he's actually a gentleman and he would be very good to her.
Howard asked Hulk how things are going for he and his wife. Linda said that they have a huge house down in Miami now and it's too much. They paid $12 million for the place in Miami and the place in Tampa was about $22 million. Howard said he's doing okay himself but he doesn't have multiple houses like they do. Nick said he read somewhere that Howard is making $1000 every 24 seconds so he's doing pretty good himself.
Howard told the family that he's divorced now and wondered how Linda feels about still being married. Linda said she thinks they'll be married forever but sometimes things are pretty stressful. She said that they're staying in separate bedrooms at the hotel so Howard wondered if they're not having sex anymore. Linda said that they do but Howard noticed that Hulk was shaking his head no.
Robin said that she's heard Hulk call into Bubba's show and he sounds miserable about his marriage. He said that he's still attracted to her but she gives him a hard time and treats him horribly. Linda said that both of them are trying to control their daughter's career and they differ on what they think should be done. Howard said that Brooke should be the one making the decisions now because she is 18.
Howard said that he feels that there's going to be a divorce and when he said that Linda didn't look upset or surprised. She said they've thrown that word around with each other but it never happens. Hulk was telling Howard that he still gets a smile on his face when he looks at his wife.
Howard asked Hulk when he last had sex with his wife. He said it was about a week ago but Linda said it was here in New York. Howard asked Hulk if he wants out of the marriage. Hulk didn't answer. Linda said that she has to be the glue that holds the family together while they're doing all of this stuff. They have cameras in their house all the time while they shoot this TV show and she loses her patience a lot.
Howard told Linda that she's got the life and her job should be to make him happy. He's provided for her and she should show some appreciation for that. Howard figures that Hulk wants out of the marriage so he can go bang some young chicks. Now he sees that there's something else going on there. Howard wondered if it's Linda who wants out of the marriage and didn't understand what's going on.
Nick said he doesn't think there's a big problem there. He thinks that they just need some time alone together. Hulk said that he loves Linda to death and doesn't want to leave her. Howard asked Hulk if he's out of this marriage at this point. He said he thought about that last night but it doesn't last long. He said he loves her and he will stick with her no matter what. Linda said it's the stress that's causing all of this.
Howard asked Linda if she would ever bring another woman in to the bedroom. She said that won't happen but she has had women hit on her before. Brooke said that if they were swingers, she would divorce herself from the family.
Howard asked Nick if he's got a big penis like his father claims to have. Nick said he doesn't know because he's never measured. Hulk joked that he's got 12 inches but Linda said that he's exaggerating even at 10 inches. Artie said that anything in that area is impressive.
The guys asked what happened to the Lamoborghini that Nick drove and ended up catching fire. They got sidetracked when Nick talked about how he's been trying to get his GED and he's able to pass the tests without studying. His parents took him out of school so he could be part of their TV show. Howard asked Nick what he wants to do for a living. He's racing cars now and said he'd love to be able to do that for a living and make a ton of money for himself.
Howard asked the kids if they're on drugs or anything. Brooke said she got so freaked out by pictures that she saw when she was in school that she never did any. She said she's hyper enough as it is and she doesn't want to do that stuff. Nick has to stay clean because he's racing for Dodge so they make sure that he stays clean.
Howard said that Nick must be banging lots of chicks and he's probably been doing it since he was like 14. Nick said he doesn't take the girls to his parents house because he's respectful of them. He didn't seem to be into talking about that stuff so Howard got back to Brooke.
Howard asked Brooke what song they were going to be performing today. Brooke said that the song is the current single ''About Us'' which is out already. She'll be performing with Paul Wall who has been on the show before. Howard said they also have some background singers there so they'll be coming in. Hulk said that he was paying for the background singers for a while and it was getting way too expensive. Hulk figures that he has spent about $3 million on her album so far.
Paul Wall came in so Howard spent a minute talking to him. He asked him if he's still white and goofed around with him about that a little. He also said hello to the backup singers who were in there. Brooke was getting ready to perform when Howard said he would be honored to take her virginity. Brooke seemed a little thrown off by that. Howard said he's never had a virgin before so he would love to take it from her.
Howard asked about how they wanted him to mix their performance but they weren't sure how to work things out. Howard messed with the board a little bit and set them up while they were on the air. Howard said they've never done anything like this in the studio.
Howard had Eric the Midget on the phone because he wanted to ask a question. Howard told him not to screw it up because he told him to rehearse it. Eric asked Brooke if she would like to work with any other producers later on. She said she would like to work with some other guys so, yes, she would. Howard congratulated Eric on asking the question and Brooke said he sounded really nice. Artie told her that Eric is a little shit head.
Howard took another call from Bong Hit Eric who asked her if she has ever had a guy make her cum. Howard told him that was out of line and didn't want to bother her with that line of questioning because Hulk seemed to be getting a little upset.
Howard played the music track for Brooke and gave her some plugs because she's going to be signing copies of her CD at FYE in Rockefeller Center tomorrow. He also gave them a plug for their TV show ''Hogan Knows Best'' that airs on Sunday nights on VH-1 at 9pm. Brooke and Paul Wall them performed their song.
Howard said that the girls in the background were really getting a work out in there. Brooke said that they couldn't hear the music either so they were going by her snapping. Howard talked to the girls and asked them about who they dance for. They said they've danced for Usher and some other people like that. Howard told Brooke she sounded great. He also told Paul that he sounded good and seems to know what he's doing.
Howard played some of a Hulk Hogan song that he released on an album many years ago. He said that Brooke is taking after her father with all of this. Howard gave everyone plugs for the album, the TV show and Brooke's album signing. Howard went to break a short time later.
After the commercials Howard came back because there was dead silence for a few seconds. Howard thought he was listening to something off the air but it actually came out over the air. He played the clip he was listening to where Regis and Kelly were talking about how fast celebrities make $1000. They mentioned Howard's name in there and basically said that Howard makes 4 times as much money as Brad Pitt.
Howard said he doesn't feel that wealthy because he went to an auction and didn't feel like he could buy anything there because it was too expensive. Robin said that Howard lives much nicer than she does and he just doesn't realize that.
Artie told a story about Norm Macdonald asking Lorne Michaels why he never invited him out to his house. Artie said Lorne answered him by saying ''You don't want to see how I live, you'll end up hating me more than you already do.''
Robin was telling Howard that she wants to learn how to sail better so she can actually travel on her boat sometime. Howard told her that he knows a guy whose wife got him a boat down in the Bahamas so he could sail around but it turned into a nightmare. Howard said it was a dream of his and it turned into a nightmare. He told Robin that she'll probably end up lost at sea if she attempts to sail on her own.
High Pitch Eric called in and asked Howard if he wanted to play chess in Queens where he lives. Howard said he's sure that he would wipe the floor with Eric. Howard asked him what he's rated at. Eric is at 700 and Howard is at a 1350. Artie told Howard he has to play him because it would be great if he lost to Eric. Howard said he could do it but he would do it off the air because it's too dull to do on the air.
Eric said that he beat someone who was rated at a 1400 player but Howard didn't believe that. Eric said that his ratings have been going up since he won and he's been on there playing every day lately.
Howard said that if he loses to this Eric, he'll never play again. Eric said that he plays 5 minute games when he plays online. Howard said that's bullshit and you can win by accident playing speed games like that. Howard said the way to play is to do a 60 minute game with a 30 second give back. He said that would work better. Eric wanted to come in and play him in the studio so Howard finally agreed to let him do it.
Howard said that he will do it but if he loses the game to him, he's going to be upset and he will never play again. He said it's just a hobby of his and he's not sure he wants to put that on the line. He figures he has to because Robin is going to be racing Bubba the Love Sponge. He told Eric that if he loses he's going to have to quit radio and quite chess. He won't be able to go on with his life after that.
Artie asked the other guys if they play chess. Howard seems to be the only one there who plays. Howard said that Beth hates that he plays so much because he's always on the computer.
Howard said that he was up at 3:30 this morning plotting out the next 2 years there at SIRIUS. Artie said that he's been on the show for almost 5 full years now and he just can't get used to getting up so early in the morning. Howard said that people like Bong Hit Eric, Gary the Retard and High Pitch are the people they're envious of. They've managed to work their lives so they can stay home and live lives like millionaires.
Howard also mentioned that Jane Wyatt passed away so the guys spent a few minutes talking about that. Robin had some audio clips from her movies and TV show appearances so they played those.
Howard said he saw an article about this new product that you can put on someone's ankle to tell you just how drunk they are at any moment. He said he would like to put one on Jeff the Drunk so they can keep track of that. Robin said they should use that when they do drinking shows as well.
Howard said that a lot of people liked Mike Walker drunk last week. He read some e-mail feedback from the fans who enjoyed that Gossip Game with Mike drunk. The fans also like when Artie is a little drunk like he was when he had to make out with Blue Iris.
Howard read some mail about Elegant Elliot Offen and played the new Elliot song parody he played earlier. Howard read some feedback about the Master Tape Theatre show that ran on Friday. Some people really liked it, some people miss the Friday Show. He had some e-mail about that stuff and read through a bunch of those. Someone wrote in and complained about Master Tape Theatre so he pointed out that it's just a replay of their old shows. Howard said he's trying to satisfy everyone but it's tough to know how to do it to make everyone happy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he didn't like The Friday Show when it first started but it became something he liked each week. He suggested that they play the Master Tape Theatre thing on Saturday and Sunday instead of the replays of the shows that ran during the week. Howard figures people would complain about that too. He can't win.
Howard gave a quick rundown of the Football Pool results from this weekend. He quickly reviewed all of that stuff again. He said that Artie is the expert there and it's funny that he's losing. Artie said he never claimed to be an expert though.
There will be a story about Richard Christy having an accident in his underwear recently. Howard wanted to know more about that so Richard came in a short time later to talk about it.
Richard said that he eats bananas in the morning but they do a weird thing to his stomach. It runs right through him and sometimes he farts and gets ''spackle'' in his underpants. Artie had said that Richard stunk this morning so Howard asked him about that. Richard said he showered yesterday. Jon Hein said that Richard smells every day and he doesn't smell any worse today than he does other days. Artie said he must not smell him every day. Richard said he tries to cover up the smell with cologne but they get pissed at him for that. Howard told him that's a worse smell so he can't do that either. Artie told him to shower every day and he'll be fine. Richard said he walks to work and sweats though.
Jon Hein gave his show rundown and said they'll be talking about Brooke Hogan's visit and about Howard's complaints about the camera angles in there. They'll be talking to Scott DePace about that. Jon said that Sal is still cleaning up the confetti that he threw in Gary's office so they'll be discussing Sal and Gary's relationship and what it will take before Gary kills Sal. Howard let Jon go and had Robin start her news.
Howard asked Artie if he ever shit his pants while he was on heroin last year. Artie said he did it years ago but not last year. Howard said that he and other people think that Artie has more great stories to tell about his life and they will eventually come out. He said that some day Artie will come in and tell a story like something about him killing cats while on heroin or something like that. Artie said he's never killed any animals while on heroin... He did that while sober. He was just kidding of course. He said he did think about showing Dana's dog where Route 3 was and maybe tossing a ball out there so the dog could play fetch out there.
Robin wrapped up her news report and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show singing along to his opening theme song. He said it was going to be a tough show because he was up at 2 in the morning. He said he laid there in bed for 2 hours before his alarm went off. He then got up and read the newspaper where Rush and Malloy printed a false report about him. He said he wants to call them and tell them that they're wrong. He said that he would never say this to a woman.
Howard told Gary to get those two on the phone and then read the article. He said that a woman out at this place he was at yelled out that she loves Howard Stern so Howard responded by asking her if she was going to get on her knees for him. He said that he would never say that and his kids read the paper and think that he's an asshole. He said that he was at an antique show when they claim this happened. He would never do something so lame.
Howard said that he heard that George Rush had a woman come up to him and tell him that she was a fan so George said that she was a cunt. He was making that up just like they make stuff up for their column.
Howard read some of the other stuff from the article and they claim that Howard was interested in a $300,000 desk that he saw there. Howard said the truth is that he looked at it, asked how much it was and then moved on when he heard how much it was worth. He said he wouldn't be able to sit at a desk that cost that much. There was another table there that was half a million dollars. He wasn't interested in that either.
Howard read more of the article where they talk about the house he's having built out in the Hamptons. They claim that he and Beth are renting a house out there that has separate bedrooms for each of them. Howard said that was a bunch of shit as well. He said that he and Beth sleep together every night. After that they make the claim about Howard asking a woman to get on her knees after she tells him what a fan she is.
Howard said he would never say anything like that to a woman and he never has. He said he tries to be nice to people like this by not taking calls about them but when they print complete lies about him, he really gets pissed off.
Howard said he doesn't mind a true story but stuff like this makes him nuts. Gary told him he's still trying to get Malloy on the phone but he was pretty sure he was going to get his voice mail. Howard said that if he actually went up to a woman and told her to get on her knees, there would be something mentally wrong with him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there's someone on SFN who has been posting stuff about Howard on there. She claims to be a former employee of the show and she knows that Howard and Beth slept in separate bedrooms. The caller thinks that might be where some of these stories are coming from.
Howard said that Beth does have a room that she keeps a lot of her stuff in but she doesn't sleep in a separate bedroom. The caller said that it seems like Rush and Malloy may be taking these stories and turning them into articles. Howard said he's a really personal guy and he's not sure how anyone would know what he does at home.
Gary said he left a voice mail for Rush and Malloy but no one is answering so he's waiting for a call back. Howard took a call from Dan the Song Parody Man and played his latest Elliot Offen song parody ''I don't care if you live or die.'' He said that Elliot sounds like the Joker in that clip. Dan told Howard that there's a clip from back in 1999 or 2000 where they had a guy on the show who saw either Rush or Malloy in an S&M club and when the guy tried to prove it by getting a security tape, he got fired. Howard said he'll ask about that.
Dan said that they should have a source for that story so Howard said he should ask them who their source was. He was also talking about the $300,000 desk and how he was very nice about it but he wasn't really interested in it. He didn't buy anything, he was just hanging out and looking at stuff. He said he hopes to be able to confront them later on in the show. He said it's just a bummer to read stuff like that in the paper first thing in the morning.
Bobo called in and said that this stuff has been going on for years and he should do something about it. Howard said that these people call him trying to confirm stories like this but it's not his job to call them back and tell them if they're true or not. Another caller told Howard that he has seen Howard in this restaurant Vincenettis and he's never seen Howard do anything strange. He said he's always very nice and laid back when he's there and he wouldn't make comments like they were claiming.
Howard said that Gary was over at a restaurant in Barney's called Fred's yesterday and he saw Matt Lauer and his family there. Conan O'Brien was there and he came over and told him that the show is better than ever and he's really enjoying it. He bought his staff SIRIUS radios and a years subscription so they're all enjoying it. Robin said she went to a restaurant that she goes to often and someone asked her if she's still on TV and radio. The person didn't know that they were on SIRIUS.
Gary said that he knows a woman who told him that the show has gotten too dirty for her. Howard said he can't make everyone happy with everything they do. He said that even with something like the Friday Show and Master Tape Theatre he can't keep everyone happy.
Howard said he was going to call into Bubba's show yesterday but he was too wiped out to make the call. He said he did listen to the show and they were talking about what they might be doing if their show went away. Robin said she's stunned that Spice Boy is dating that porn star chick Akira now.
Howard said that when Scott Greenstein was putting together the advertising for the two free days he asked him to do Letterman. Howard didn't think it was time to go back there yet because he didn't have anything new to say. He didn't want to do it but they kept telling him he was going to do it. Howard said last night he was barraged by e-mail from Tim Sabean who was telling him he should be doing Letterman and gave him some jokes and stuff he could do.
Howard said that they suggested that they did the Top 10 list but he knows that Dave hates the Top 10 and he hates the Top 10 himself. Howard said he was also told he should go on and play some audio clips. He said that Dave never plays audio clips so that wouldn't happen.
Howard said that Tim had some ideas that he printed out. He tried to find it but wasn't able to find the print out. He had some of it memorized and said that Tim told him he could go on and say that he's no longer the King of All Media, he was the King of the World because he's going to be on the internet. Howard said the ideas were so lame that he almost wanted to go on and do his lame suggestions.
Howard said that they seem to think that Letterman is the key to their success or something. He said that they should send Martha Stewart on Letterman if they want someone from SIRIUS on there. Artie said that he's supposed to go on and do that show soon so maybe he could say that he's representing the show. He said he could do Tim's suggested material. Howard said that's a good idea and tried to find that e-mail. He had to have Scott the Engineer come in and help him get into his e-mail.
Howard tried getting into his Lotus Notes program but he didn't have the right password. He said he should just give everyone his password because it doesn't work anyway. Artie joked that Howard had just turned on his Stiletto by messing around with the computer.
Tim Sabean walked in and told Howard that there were rumors about Howard going on Letterman so everyone was getting very excited about it. Howard said that Tim seemed to think that Letterman was the key to the world or something. Tim told him that he gets nuts sometimes. He went out to get his e-mail so Howard could read it.
Howard talked about all of the promotion that SIRIUS is doing for this free trial and how fans from around the world are subscribing. He got an e-mail from someone over in Germany who is happy that he'll finally be able to listen to the show.
Howard said he wasn't going to read Tim's e-mail because he loves Tim but it was so great that he had to read it. He said that sometimes Tim acts like a fan of the show asking him when he's going to do old bits like Ham and Slam and Bob and Ray again. Howard said those are old bits that they just don't do anymore so he's not sure if they'll ever do them again.
Howard got a hold of Tim's e-mail and read it for everyone. Tim seemed to be under the impression that he was doing Letterman. He had a few ideas for what he could do and they were listed under bullet points in his mail. Tim suggested the King of the Internet idea where he would no longer be King of All Media. Tim didn't even seem to think that it would be all that funny after Howard read it. Tim was also telling Howard to give stats about the show. Then Tim says that he should wrap up the interview talking about how people around the world could hear his show and it would help stop the nuclear tests. He also said that he could tell Dave that he could even get in touch with the people on Lost to tell them how to get off of that stupid island they're on.
Howard goofed on Tim a bit and talked about those stats that Tim told him he could use on the show. Artie said he could see Dave's audience zoning out during that segment.
Howard told Artie that Conan O'Brien was asking Gary about how he's doing. Artie said that was nice but Howard said that Conan was apparently really concerned for him. That led to him reading some e-mail about Artie's weight gain and the problems he's been having. Artie said that he laughs every morning and he's fine. Robin said he looks miserable out in the halls. Artie said that he's just tired. He said he's 39 years old and has outlived all of the other fat guys like Chris Farley and John Belushi so he's doing just fine.
Howard read an article in the paper about a 23 year old woman who had a grandmother who died of breast cancer around the age of 40. Her mother also passed away from it around the same age. The 23 year old decided to have both of her breasts taken off before she could get the cancer. She wasn't even able to sleep at night thinking that she might get cancer. Howard said that they can apparently give you a blood test to find out if she might get cancer. Howard said she went through with the breast removal and had implants put in. Now she can sleep at night.
Howard asked Robin what she would do if she were in that situation. Robin said she's heard stories like that and women will have their breasts removed to avoid the cancer. She said she wouldn't be able to do that herself. She would just go to get all of her exams and mammography tests done. Howard said that's a drag and he can't imaging having something like that done. Artie said that he wouldn't suggest getting that done if you don't have cancer.
Howard said that Madonna is going on Oprah's show today to talk about the problems she's been having with this adoption. The guys figure that Oprah will be able to solve the problem since she can solve just about any problem.
Howard said that tomorrow is the debut of Sam Simon's The Bitter Half radio sitcom. Howard said he heard the rough cut of the show and he thinks that Sam did a great job with it. He's hoping that it inspires more of this kind of work for his channels. He wanted to thank Sam for the work he did and that he's involved with them. Artie said that Sam has an insane work ethic and works like crazy to make that happen.
Howard had some clips from last week's ''Jackie's Joke Hunt'' that he played for the guys. He played one segment where Jackie was telling a joke that no one got. Jackie had music playing over him and the joke went on a little too long. Artie said he zoned out during that one and didn't know what the joke was. Howard said he should stick to the one liner jokes. Gary said that Jackie claims that he's not a one liner type of comedian. He's a joke story teller.
Howard played another joke that went over his head. Artie got it so he explained it to him and got him to laugh. Artie said that joke would have worked as a Polish joke but the guys said that Jackie doesn't tell Polish jokes anymore because he got some death threats from some guy. Howard played another joke that Jackie told so Artie asked if that's all he does on his show. Gary said Jackie also tells other stories so Howard played some of those clips.
Howard played a clip where Jackie talked about meeting Billy Joel. They started goofing on him within seconds of the story starting. Howard played some of the story but cut that off to play some other clips. He had one where a caller asked Jackie to tell the dirtiest joke he knows. Howard said he thinks he knows what it is because he told it on the air at K-Rock and Tim Chiusano freaked out on him.
Gary and Howard tried to figure out exactly how the joke went but they only remembered the punch line. Howard said that it was something like ''What's the worst part about babysitting...'' The punch line was ''blood in the diaper'' and that made Tom freak out on them. He said that there was another joke that Jackie told about a pedophile walking into the woods with a 2 year old and the kid looks up and says he's scared. The Pedophile then says ''How do you think I feel, I have to walk home alone.'' Howard said that made Tom nuts too and he was afraid that they were going to get fined by the FCC over that.
Howard ripped a fart in the middle of that conversation and then tried to figure out that blood in the diaper joke. He then got back to the Jackie tape where he tells the joke that he thought was the dirtiest. He said that he uses the joke to clear a room and it goes something like... ''How do you get a gay guy to fuck a girl? You fill up her pussy with shit.'' Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard had the guys bring in Joan Rivers who has a show called ''Before Melissa Pulls the Plug'' which is airing on Bravo tonight at 10pm. Howard said she got a 3 star review from Linda Stasi today.
Joan was talking about how she hopes to be cremated when she dies and she thinks that her daughter is going to mix them in with all of the other ashes she has. She said she has the ashes of her pets and even some of Vincent Price's ashes. Robin asked her if she could have some of those for herself. Joan said that she finds it very comforting to have them because they're all of the people she loves. She said she doesn't talk to the urns but the dogs to make her cry sometimes.
Howard asked Joan how she got the ashes of Vincent Price. She said she was friends with the family and she just asked for them. She was close to the family and they had no problem giving them to her.
Howard asked Joan about this 23 year old who had a double mastectomy that he was talking about earlier in the morning. He told her the story and how the woman didn't have breast cancer, she was doing it as a preventative measure. Joan said she doesn't get that but the woman should do what she wants, it's her body.
Howard also asked her about what Madonna is going through. Joan said that if she wants to adopt a starving child, she should adopt Nicole Richie. Artie thought that was pretty funny. Joan said that she thinks this whole thing is insane and Madonna should be allowed to keep the child and raise him to give him a great life.
Howard asked Joan about her sex life and also asked if he could have a piece of her after she passes away. She said she would put it in her will that Howard is to get some of her ashes. Robin wanted some of Vincent Price's ashes so she said she'd do that as well. Joan told Howard about her having four of her dog's ashes in her closet along with Vince Price, her husband Edgar and a couple of others.
Howard wondered if Joan was getting laid. She said that her sex life is terrible and her breasts have sunk so low that she can read a newspaper while getting a mammogram. She was also joking that they have bran flavored condoms for older people that she can use. She said she has no desire to take her clothes off for a younger man because she looks so bad.
Joan said that her daughter has a great body but she turned down an offer from Playboy to appear in the magazine. She said that she doesn't get that. She thinks that she should show it off while she's still got it.
Joan got in some plugs for a show she's doing down in Philly (Keswick Theater in Glenside, Pennsylvania). She said it's not sold out yet and she's not sure why. She also told Howard about Mel Gibson and how much she despises him.
Howard gave Joan a few plugs for her upcoming show on Bravo and the comedy show. Joan said that she's 73 years old and she's having a great time. Joan talked about how she got a note from Barbra Streissand asking her to come to one of her shows. She said she didn't go but she was invited. Howard asked her if she thinks that James Brolin is really in love with her. She said she thinks that he has latched on to a good thing and he won't let her go.
Howard said that Linda Stasi reviewed Joan's show and said that she's still funny. He read a little bit of that and it sounds like Joan's show is very good. Howard said there was only one negative comment in the article and everything else was very funny.
Gary came in and asked Joan if she could afford to live her life the way she does now if she stopped working. Joan said that she would have to sell her summer home if she did that. She wouldn't be able to afford it if she stopped working. She's enjoying spending the money though and she thinks she'll last until she's about 85 or so. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he was waiting for the call from Rush and Malloy about the article they wrote about him that was false. He said he was upset about the part where they claimed that he told a woman to get on her knees at an antique show he was at. Robin told Howard that he should sue if it's possible to sue over something like that.
Howard said that he didn't even have any encounter at the show that could be misconstrued like that. He had people telling him that they were fans but that was it. He said he would hate idiots that would say such things to a woman.
Howard said that a few years back he had a New Years Eve party and invited Michael and a bunch of other people to the party. He doesn't remember Michael being there but he apparently was there. Artie said that he was hanging out with Michael, Kevin Smith and John Popper and his annoying girlfriend. Howard said he was so sorry that he even had that party.
Howard played some audio of Michael Rappaport dissing his New Year's Eve party. Michael said that he got pissed off at Robin's boyfriend after he shushed him. He was also saying that the party was really sad and not that great. Howard said he appreciates Mr. X doing what he did and putting Michael in his place.
Howard had another clip where Michael talked about going out to dinner with him. In the clip Michael wondered why Howard and Beth whisper to each other when they go out to dinner with other people. Howard said he was probably whispering to Beth ''Why is Michael Rappaport here?'' He said he thought it was pretty funny that Michael was talking about that stuff on the show yesterday. He said they might have to have him on the show after hearing all of that stuff.
Limbaugh said that he can control himself enough to stay in the frame of the camera and to keep his eyes forward but he's shaking the rest of his body. Howard played another clip where Rush said that he stood corrected after hearing that Michael has been seen shaking in other press conferences. He said he has never seen him like that before and that's why he was going off on him. Rush said he admits he was wrong and apologized to him for what he said about him.
Howard listened to a little more of Rush's show and said it was so boring that he couldn't even get through it. He said that guy is a fuckin' retard. Howard and Artie did their impressions of Rush and goofed on him a bit.
Howard goofed on Wilson a little more and then Gary got a hold of the article and read it to the guys. He said that her husband was accused of touching a 16 year old boy in an inappropriate way and the police paperwork went missing shortly after it was filed. Jason came in and said that Wilson also sat on the Page board of Congress so she was in charge of the Pages who were involved with Mark Foley. He said she may have ignored all of that stuff. According to what Gary read, she removed the paperwork herself and tried to make it disappear.
Howard said that she's a fuckin hypocrite. Robin said that she should be worried about her own house instead of what's going on with CBS and Janet Jackson's breast. Howard said that maybe his fans in New Mexico should not vote for her.
Howard said he got a note from a guy who works for Entenmanns and they want to bring Artie some food. Howard also said that he didn't know that Beer League was opening in Pittsburgh. Artie said that he was going to announce that today officially. He said they're going to have it in a few other big Stern markets like Boston and others soon. He said that it opens in Pittsburgh on Friday.
Howard mentioned the contest they have going on where they're looking for funny porn clips. He got in the plug for that and then took a call. The woman who called in said that she got a stem cell implant and she wouldn't be there if she hadn't gotten it.
Howard took another call from a guy who suggested that he start having Gary repeat after him like he used to do years ago. Gary came in and asked if he could avoid that if he gave him some good news for the show. Howard said he could so Gary told him that they have George Rush calling in soon. Howard let him off the hook.
Another caller talked to Howard about the Rush Limbaugh thing and got Howard going off on him and on President Bush a little bit. Howard went to another caller a short time later and that guy asked if Robin was okay because she said something about her not listening to the replays of the show. Robin didn't know what the guy was talking about. Howard hung up on the guy.
Gary said that he's been going kind of nuts thinking about Sal roasting him on Thursday. He said he knows he's going to go to some dark places with his act while other people will avoided some of the more touchy subjects. Howard said that the two big free days are going to be filled with all kinds of stuff including that roast.
Gary said he made the mistake of telling Sal what his weak spot is for the roast. now he thinks that Sal is going to use that weakness to goof on him. Artie said that the Shatner roast was kind of like that because he didn't want anyone to use any dead wife jokes. Artie said he wrote a few but he didn't use them because they were asked not to.
Gary said that he had a brother who died of AIDS and his father just passed away recently. He heard that Sal had one joke where he refereed to both of those things. Sal told Gary to get over it. He also said that he won't get too brutal with him and Artie may punch him out before Gary does because he'll be goofing on him.
Howard told his father that he would never go up to a woman and ask her to get on her knees after she tells him she's a fan. Ben said he knows that his son wouldn't do that, he doesn't have to tell him that. Ben said he knows Howard isn't that type of person. He wonders what their agenda is with that story.
Ben told Howard to stay calm and just ask the guy where he gets his information. He said that there are damages there because he has a family that reads that stuff and might think it's true. Ben said they should print a retraction even though that's pointless. Howard said it's unbelievable that this stuff gets out there.
Artie asked Howard about him being roasted sometime in the future. Howard said he will be the final person to be roasted for whatever reason and anything goes with him. Artie said that there are a lot of dark places they can go with Howard. Howard said he's not saying that people won't be fired over the roast. He said that heads will roll. Artie said that would be funny if he did actually fire people.
Gary came in and said that he can take anything that Sal throws at him but his family may not be too happy with it. He said he's been on the show for 22 years and taken a lot of crap. He doesn't realize that other people aren't used to that type of thing though. Sal said that Gary's wife and kids aren't in the roast material... They've suffered enough.
Gary said that Sal once had a photo up on his web site that was supposed to be his son shortly after he was born. It was a kid with big teeth so Gary asked him to remove it and he actually did. He said that Sal didn't understand why it was wrong to goof on a 2 year old kid though. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that George Rush may call in during the next segment so Howard said he would break into that if he does call in. He then brought in this guy Kevin who is in to compete against Richard in a heavy metal trivia contest. Howard said he was a real heavy metal guy with the tattoos all over his arms. Kevin told Howard to call him Fetus instead of Kevin if he wanted to. Howard said that he's got his own band called Watch Me Burn and he's there to try and win the chance to get his album played on the air.
They have Nora there to do some waxing on the two of them when they get answers wrong. Nora runs the Skin Beauty Lounge (SkinBeautyLounge.com) down in Washington DC. Howard said he was going to give Richard $500 if he wins this contest. Fetus brought a woman along with him who will have to ride the Sybian if he loses.
Howard moved on to the contest and Fetus asked if he could have a couple of shots. Howard didn't want to do that so he just had them get into the game. Both Fetus and Richard were in their boxer shorts so Howard told them to take them off. Someone asked who had the bigger package and Artie said he remembers the days when they asked who had the bigger tits. He seemed to be bothered by the whole concept of having two dudes naked in the studio.
Howard asked Fetus ''How many albums did Pantera have out before they released Cowboys from Hell?'' Fetus said it was two. He was wrong, it was four. Nora went in and waxed him right next to his scrotum. Richard said he likes how she uses the real scientific words for that instead of just ''balls.'' Fetus didn't seem to mind the pain and said that he didn't even feel it.
Howard moved on to the next question for Richard. He asked ''Iron Maiden was named after the medieval instrument of torture in what classic 1939 movie?'' Richard didn't know the answer. Howard told him it was The Man in the Iron Mask. Richard had to get waxed after that. Nora said it was nice to see him again and slapped on some wax. He let out some of his painful yelling as she was ripping out the hair.
Howard went to Fetus again and asked him ''What bass player started Anthrax and went on to create other bands...'' Fetus said it was Danny Lilker and got it right. That meant that Howard had to play the first 10 seconds of one of his band's songs. He played some of ''The Wolf that Ate the Son'' which was a speed metal song. Howard said he's officially old because he doesn't get that. Richard said he likes that kind of music but also likes a bit more melody.
Howard asked Richard ''What was James Hetfield and Clif Burton's side project during the Master of Puppets tour?'' Richard said he had no clue so he had to get waxed again. Fetus knew that it was Spastic Children but he didn't get anything for that answer. Nora waxed Richard again and he let out some more of his rambling yells as she did it.
Howard asked Fetus ''What event took place in Tony Iomi's life that led to him downplaying his guitar playing?'' Fetus said it was cutting off the tips of his fingers in a machine shop. He was right so Howard had to play another 10 seconds of his band's song. The singer in the band was female and she was quite a screamer. Gary said she was supposed to come in and ride the Sybian if Fetus lost but she backed out of the deal.
Howard asked Richard ''Grind Core Fathers Napalm Death released their album in 1987 and broke up to start 3 other bands. Name the three bands.'' Richard said Terrorizer, Carcass and Cathedral. He was wrong. Fetus tried to answer but he didn't know them all either. Howard said it was Godflesh, Carcass and Cathedral. Richard had to get waxed again and went nuts when he had more hair pulled out.
Howard told Richard it was impossible for him to win the game at that point. He gave Fetus the question which was ''Name the band that both Paul Gray and Joey Jordenson started before starting Slipknot.'' Fetus didn't know so he had to get waxed again. Nora went in and waxed him again and this time he was feeling some pain. He was screaming out even louder than Richard. He said he liked it though.
George told Howard that they had an eye and ear witness who said they saw and heard this happen at the antique show. Howard said that this is hearsay and he can't just print that stuff. Howard said that he's heard that George goes to swinger's clubs but he wouldn't say that it was true if he didn't know that it was.
George wanted to know if they could set up a system where he could ask him about that stuff before he prints it. Howard said he doesn't want to do that and he's not going to confirm or deny questions like that. He said he now has to call his daughters and tell them that this is a complete lie. He said Beth has never heard him talk to a woman like that. That's the way people expect him to act and it's just not the way he does act.
George said that he will go back to this person he heard the story from and ask them how they can say something like that. Howard asked George to tell that person to call into the show and tell him how they saw and heard this at the show.
Howard said that his kids will be asked about stuff like this and it's just not fair when he prints it. He said he was talking to his father about this and he confirmed that he and Beth don't have separate bedrooms. George said that maybe they should just go through this stuff on the air before hand so they don't have to do it like they are today.
Howard said that the only true thing in the article is that he was at the antique show. He wasn't looking to buy that $300,000 desk, he just looked at it and walked away after he heard how much it cost. George also asked about the house he's having built. He wanted to know when it was going to be done. Howard said that it'll probably take 20 years at the rate it's going.
Howard said he can't believe anything that George writes because the last two articles about him have been false. He brought up that sex club story he heard and he didn't even bring it up when they came on the show. George told Howard that he's really a fan of the show and he's happy to take his licks there in the public arena to clear the air. Howard said he's going on the record to tell George that he would never tell a woman to get on her knees. Even with Beth he would never do that.
Gary asked George to give them a plug for their free 2 days if they write a retraction tomorrow. Ralph called in and said that it seems like George just wants to get on the phone with him by printing stuff like this. He said that the story makes Howard look like a real asshole and it should be actionable. He said that Howard should sue over it. George said that they always call Howard's agent trying to get confirmation on these stories but they don't return calls or e-mails.
Howard said he seems like such an asshole in that article and he just won't do anything like asking a woman to get on her knees. Ralph told George that he was with Howard once and he pushed a pregnant woman over. He was joking so the guys told him not to say that because George will print it.
Artie told George he had a scoop for him, he saw 12 of the Dallas Cowboys sucking cocks. Howard let George go after that and got back to the Heavy Metal Trivia Contest.
Howard asked Fetus one more... ''What was the name of the band Jonathan Davis was in before joining KoRn?'' Fetus knew the answer of Sex Art. Howard had to play another 10 seconds of his song but let it play for a little longer. Richard said that the lead singer sounds like she's being waxed in the song. Howard wondered how anyone can sit at home and relax to that kind of music. Fetus said that's exactly what he used to do.
Howard said that since Fetus won the chick didn't have to ride the Sybian. Fetus said she was willing to ride it anyway so they could do that if they wanted. Howard also let the guys get cleaned up by Nora before they left. Richard let out a loud ''Ouch! That part hurts!'' when Nora ripped off the hair above his penis on his pubic bone. Richard had hair running down his leg from his balls according to Will. Richard let out some more yells as Nora ripped out some more of his hair. Nora rubbed on some oil to sooth him a little bit after that.
Fetus was ready for more pain so Howard had Nora rip some more hair off of him. Porn actress Pixie Pearl was in to ride the Sybian for Fetus so Howard spent some time talking to her. He fond out that she's into chicks and had Kimberly Kane shoving stuff inside of her not too long ago. Kimberly is the chick who JD banged a few weeks back.
Gary asked Pixie what she did before getting into porn. She said she was a hair stylist before. Richard asked her about the piercings she has on her face and if she uses them for oral sex. She said that she just likes them and she doesn't care about pleasuring a guy, she's all about herself. Howard was happy that Fetus had brought this girl along with him. He said that she was hot.
Pixie said that she has peed and defecated on guys but she's never had that done to her. She had one guy request that she eat corn before she did it so she ate a couple cans of corn. Howard asked her how much she gets paid for doing stuff like that. She said she got $500 for that. She said the guy wanted it in his mouth so that's where she went. Everyone sounded shocked by that.
Artie was joking around and asked her how much it would cost him to shit on her. She said it would be over $500. Artie said he can't imagine wanting to shit on a hot chick like that. She told the guys that she has had six guys Bukkake her at a party in her personal life. She said she just told the guys that they were hot and it turned into a whole thing where they all came on her.
Howard had Nora finish up her waxing of Fetus before having Pixie ride the Sybian. Fetus let out some yells and got in a plug for his band's web site WatchMeBurn.com. He was yelling out in pain as Nora was ripping the hair out. Gary said the hair was really long so it must really hurt. Nora finished up with him a short time later. He said it wasn't so bad but he won't be making a practice out of getting waxed. Howard played a little more of his band's song.
Ralph called in and told him that his music was horrible. Fetus went off on him for a few seconds. The drummer from Fetus' band called in and said he did a great job. Howard wrapped up with him after that and then went to break before having Pixie ride the Sybian.
The guys asked Pixie if she would do Benjy. She said she would do him and Artie was number one on her list. She told him to call her. Benjy said he would do her right then if she wanted. He said he'd have to check with his girlfriend and then changed his mind saying he couldn't do it. Howard told him he can't do it there in the studio though.
Pixie told Robin that she'd really like to do her and she'd even put a cock on to bang her. Robin said she's not into that and needs a real man. Pixie said she hasn't caught anything yet from anyone she's been with in the porn movies.
Howard asked Pixie if she would have sex with one of the guys from the show and tape the sounds of it. She had no problem with it but she said that whoever did her would have to do her in the ass. Howard told Benjy he has to do it. He then called JD into the room and offered him the chance to do it. JD said he didn't want to record himself having sex. Howard told him that Spice Boy did it for Bubba so he should do it for him.
Howard told JD to check this chick out because she's hot. Howard had her strip down a little bit for him. She said that her breasts are like a B but they go up and down. They're natural though. Howard told him he just needs audio of them having sex. JD told them that he's not feeling so good so today isn't a good day to do that.
Robin said that Dan the Song Parody Man could do this. Then the guys said that Artie should be the one doing it since he's single. Artie said he's going through some shit right now and he can't do it. He said that something might be rekindling with him and Dana. He didn't want them to get involved with his world though. Artie said that if anything does happen, he'd have to keep it secret and he doesn't want to ruin anything. Artie said that he may be starting therapy soon. He's not back with Dana at this point though.
The guys were throwing around names of people who could bang chicks. Robin kept mentioning Dan the Song Parody Man. They were also throwing in some Wack Packer names and some of the Howard TV guys like Richie Wilson and Greg the camera guy. JD said he would do it but he can't do it tonight because he's sick. Howard said that he's a gay man and he should do her even if he is sick. He said that no straight man would say that he's sick while that chick is standing there.
Howard had Pixie get on the Sybian since he wasn't able to find anyone there to bang her. Gary started up the machine and had Pixie moaning within seconds. She asked for more speed as she was trying to get off. She was moaning and laughing and saying that it felt so good. Not too much later she said that she wanted to take it home with her. It took her a few minutes but she finally got off. Gary said that some girls sit on the Sybian but this girl literally rode the Sybian. She said she wanted to cuddle with it after she was done.
Richard Christy came in and said that he had a great idea for someone to sleep with this chick. It was Ralph and he could finally prove that he wasn't gay if he did that. Pixie was a little dizzy after her ride so she had to go sit down on the couch. Gary threw in another name for someone who could bang this chick... Shuli. Howard said he doesn't want to hear Shuli or even Ralph in bed. He said he wants to hear JD do it.
JD came in and said that he would do it tomorrow. Ralph also called in and said he wanted to see pictures of her first. The guys in the studio told Ralph that she is hot and has a bit of a Liv Tyler look about her. Ralph was trying to check her out but the site had crashed. She said that you can find her on both VividAlt.com and BurningAngel.com and also at her Myspace page Myspace.com/pixiepearl.
JD was still on the fence about the whole thing. Howard wanted him to do it if he wanted to but he didn't seem to be all that into it. Richard wanted to hear a sample of the two of them talking sexy to each other so Howard had them talking a little bit. JD was giggling like a little kid as she was trying to talk dirty to him.
JD wasn't getting into it so Howard told him to get into it. Robin said it would be funny of Pixie bent him over and gave it to him. Howard gave her a couple more plugs and also gave Fetus a couple more plugs before letting everyone go. He had to take another break after that.
Riley was also on the phone so Howard put him on and let him go off on them for not putting him on sooner. He said he's been on the phone for about 45 minutes now. He said that maybe they could throw 10 seconds in during all of that other stuff that's going on.
Riley was pissed so Robin tried to calm him down but that wasn't working very well. Riley said that he will be doing his show from his home tonight on Howard 101 at Midnight. Howard said Riley will be talking about his bullshit with the aliens and kicking off the two day free trial of SIRIUS.
Howard let Riley go and had Steve Langford finish up his preview. Steve said they'll be talking about the upcoming Baba Booey roast. Howard had Jon Hein give his show preview after that. Jon said that they'll be talking about Richard and Fetus and all of the stuff that went on during that segment. They'll talk about Pixie Pearl and what was going on there.
Howard said the big news was that Artie might be getting back together with Dana. Artie said it wasn't big news and it was his grandmother that spoke to him about his situation and got him all confused. He said that he should examine all areas before letting something go. Howard said that nothing is resolved though because he's still going to have the dog issue and he's not in therapy. Artie said that he's not against going to therapy because he knows he needs that.
Robin asked Artie if he was the one who called Dana. Artie said that was what happened but didn't get into details. Howard then went into his Artie and Dana impressions and created the phone call that might have gone on between them. He was doing a strange accent for Artie so Artie wondered what was up with that. Howard kept going with that impression for a few minutes. Jon Hein finished up his preview and Howard had Robin start her news.
Howard saw that Double A was threatening not to ever call in again if he didn't pick up. Howard said that he's a douche and he's got balls making threats like that. Double A got on the phone and said that he was on the phone since 5 of 6 this morning. He just wanted to get on to say that this was his first anniversary of his radio show on SIRIUS. Howard said he didn't have anything to say other than that.
Double A was also saying that he would have fucked that girl (Pixie) without even seeing her and he doesn't understand why no one in there would do her. Double A said that JD is a fag and he should just bang her. Howard said that JD doesn't have to bang her if he doesn't want to though. He said that JD does more than enough for the show.
Artie thought that Double A's threat was about the emptiest threat that he's ever heard. Robin said Double A would call back no matter what they did to him. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
A woman called in and asked Howard why it is that Dana always comes back into his life when something big is going on. Artie told her that he was the one who called Dana, not the other way around. Howard let her go a short time after that.
King of All Blacks called in and advised Artie not to take Dana back. He asked Artie if he would spit out a piece of gum on the ground and then pick it up again. Artie said ''How dare you...'' Howard hung up on King when he heard that. Robin got back to her news, wrapped up and then Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started off the show talking about the two free days of SIRIUS that were going on with their internet service. Howard claimed that they had 25 million people listening and then it went up to 42 million. Artie put the word out to the whore who rolled him over in Germany and gave her a ''fuck you.'' Howard said that he's heard that there are actually a lot of people over in Germany are listening and happy that they're on the air.
Howard said that they'll be trying to impress people with the free service. He said they have Pete Townshend and Danny Bonaduce coming in today. He was calling Danny ''Daniel'' and talked about the latest season of Breaking Bonaduce. He said they will also be premiering ''The Bitter Half'' show that Sam Simon wrote and created for the show. He said that Sam wrote this half hour radio sitcom. Gary has heard it and loved it.
Howard decided to give a review of what they've been doing for the past 10 months. He said he called into Kidd Chris' show yesterday to do some promotion and they ended up getting kicked off the air in Pittsburgh where Kidd gets simulcast into. He said that Adam Carolla didn't have a problem with that when he called into his show not too long ago. It seems that CBS Radio has a problem with him promoting the 2 day free trial though.
Artie said he did a show where they had a problem with him doing promotion for SIRIUS as well. Howard said he noticed that Kidd Chris wasn't taking phone calls when he called in and he thinks that's because people wanted to talk about how much they love SIRIUS. Kidd was telling him that the phones were all jammed up with other stuff so he didn't want to take the calls.
Howard said the whole thing was kind of weird with Kidd's show. He said he people out there have to be kind of blown away that they have two full channels to listen to now. He talked about Riley Martin and Jackie the Joke Man being on their channels.
Howard mentioned that they're doing the Baba Booey Roast tomorrow and Gary is still kind of worried about Sal's act because he may go to some dark places. Gary said that he didn't want to ban any of the jokes from his roast but he did ban one from another roast because it was so out of line. Gary said that this roast is going to be brutal because he's heard some of Sal's jokes.
Artie said that he started writing some jokes and forgot that Jackie was coming. He said he can fuck with Jackie now so that's what he's going to do. He said he wrote about 3 pages for him already. Gary said that he had a meeting yesterday and decided to have Jackie go early so the rest of the guys can hit him with their jokes.
Howard said he thought that about 3 people were going to tune in to hear this free trial. He always thinks the worst when it comes to that stuff. He's pretty sure that a lot of people will be joining them this morning though. He figures that it will show people how great satellite radio is. Kidd Chris was telling him how miserable he is on the air over on terrestrial radio. Howard said Kidd was doing the bashing more than even he was.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why the Bubba Show wasn't replayed last night. Howard said that they're trying to showcase the stuff they do on his two channels and changed around the scheduled a little bit for the free trial. Howard said Bubba will be on today in his regular time slot. Howard said they're playing the Labor Day Top 10 special... The caller interrupted and asked why they were playing the repeats so much. Howard said that this guy was making him sound bad and they're just trying to let the internet fans hear what they're doing.
Howard called the guy a scumbag because every other day people are telling him how great the show is and then they're doing this free trial and he gets bashed. He tried to give a rundown of what they'd be playing but it was so confusing he gave up and told people to just listen to the channels.
Howard played a clip of JD stammering on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He also played a clip of Ronnie yelling at JD and then JD's father Chuck calling in and telling JD to just go bang that chick.
Howard asked JD to come in so they could get an update from him. JD said that if he was going to do it he wouldn't have done it tonight because he's no feeling so good. He said that Kimberly Kane was also telling him that she would be upset with him if he did it. He banged Kimberly a couple of weeks ago and now she's giving him a hard time about banging another chick.
Gary told Howard that Jon Hein was telling JD that Kimberly was complaining and he pointed out that she bangs guys for a living. They told JD that he should tell Kimberly that it's his job to bang a chick for the show. Howard said that Kimberly banged JD once and lives on the other side of the country. JD said he doesn't want to screw this up because she threatened not to ever talk to him again.
JD said that Kimberly is possibly coming next month so he might be able to do her next month. JD also said he's not that interested in Pixie Pearl. Howard said she was pretty hot and he should just do this thing for the show. Artie said that Kimberly doesn't live in town and she's getting screwed doing the porn movies she's doing.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and asked what's wrong with JD. He said he would have been screwing that Pixie chick yesterday. He said that JD told him that Kimberly was complaining so that was making him depressed. Howard thought it was funny that two porno chicks were fighting over a nerd. Ronnie told him he's out of his club and he's done. He said that the next time they go to Scores he's going to let him hang out with the big wrestler dude that hangs out there.
Howard took a call from a guy in India who was listening to the free trial over the internet this morning. He spoke to him for a few seconds and then went on to play some highlight clips from some shows they've done. He had one clip of Jenna Jameson talking about doing stuff with Jenny McCarthy in a bathroom. He also played a clip from her Sybian ride.
Howard said that other women have ridden the Sybian as well. He played a clip of Savanna Samson riding it. He also said that Carmen Electra and Jessica Jaymes rode it. He said the best was when Rappin Granny rode it. He played a clip of that as well.
Howard said that they had Wilmer Valderrama on the show talking about how he banged Lindsay Lohan and some other chicks. He played a clip from that interview. He also talked about the shocking of the balls that Bubba the Love Sponge did with Sal and Richard. That led to him playing some audio from the first time Richard got waxed on the air when he was yelling out in pain.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that there has been so many other great moments on the show. She mentioned a few and said that the show is amazing and people are really missing out if they're not subscribing. She said that they have Robin racing Bubba coming up soon too. Howard thanked her for that and moved on.
Robin wondered if The Bitter Half was going to have a commercial break. Gary told them that they don't have a commercial break for that show, it will run straight through.
Howard played some of the stuff that they can play uncensored now. He played Sal and Richard's ''Mitur Binesderty'' prank phone call uncensored. That had to be bleeped back on K-Rock.
Howard said that another great thing from the show is that George Takei has been stopping in from time to time to be their announcer. Howard said Sal and Richard took clips of his voice and made some prank calls. He played a call where they have George asking a restaurant employee for hot water, dry oatmeal and cursing over and over again.
Howard had another prank call where Sal and Richard had some clips of Blue Iris the old lady porn chick calling a redneck lady and getting her all pissed off.
Howard explained how they got some clips of Mike Walker doing stuff off the air. They caught a fart that Mike did one day and that inspired about 50 songs and bits so Howard played some of those. He played Mike's fart in some songs like ''Walk This Way'' and ''You Really Got Me.''
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that everyone wants to know what's going on with Artie's life. She said that the last thing she heard was that Artie and Dana were back together. Artie said the Howard 100 News team wanted to talk to his grandmother about what's going on right now. Howard said that he was talking about Artie on the Kidd Chris show yesterday but he felt really weird about that. He said that he did talk a little bit about Artie's heroin addiction problem. He said that came as quite a shock to them. He said it wasn't his story to tell though.
Howard said he was sharing stories about a 39 year old man's drug addiction. Artie never thought he would cry on the air but he did the day he revealed that addiction. Howard said he's clean now though. Artie said he doesn't know what would have happened if he hadn't gotten off the drugs.
Fred played a song about drug addiction for Artie (''Cold Turkey'' by John Lennon). They listened to that for a short time and then Robin said that she was reading the notes on Pete Townshend and he was addicted to heroin for a while as well.
Howard talked more about what happened yesterday on the show with George Rush and how he just printed the story again and claims that Howard denies it. He also says that the woman who claimed she saw him do what they wrote up claims that she's sticking by her story. Howard said that's why he doesn't call these people back because it's pointless. Howard had to go to break after that.
Danny said that he and his wife have to keep telling reporters that their relationship could fall apart at any second. In the previews for their show they show that they were separated and his wife had him sleeping in the guest room. Danny said that's like putting a starving man in a restaurant, lock him in a room and not letting him eat. He said if he can't get the food there, he's going to go eat somewhere else.
Danny said that he and his wife got into a fight about typing to the opposite sex on their computers. Danny talks to women and his wife doesn't like that. He said his wife also gives him a hard time when he tries to do nice stuff for her. He said that instead of appreciating that he lights candles or puts down rose petals, she wonders how much it costs and complains about the mess it makes.
Danny said that one woman he was chatting with on the web wanted to meet him. He said she didn't understand that people don't talk like that in person. Danny said that his wife logged into his computer and found that he was chatting romantically with them. He said they don't even send photos.
Danny said that he's in town to promote his stand-up comedy appearances he's doing in the city. He said he didn't want to hawk all of the other stuff but they do have a Myspace page for the family.
Danny said that his wife doesn't enjoy sex these days and the therapist they're going to was trying to negotiate sex for him. Howard wondered why Danny takes advice from that guy who is so botoxed. Danny said he hates that guy and everyone hates that guy. He said that he thinks it's his right to have sex with his wife and if she's not doing it, he should have the right to chat with chicks on the internet.
Danny said that his wife has never liked sex. Howard told him to get out of the marriage then. Danny got back to the 3 times a week that he negotiated. Danny said that he found that he could negotiate the sex into a time thing and if he could change it from 3 times a week to a certain time, he could get laid like 15 times a week. He bought his wife a Rabbit vibrator to help her get off. He said that she's gone insane for this thing in the past few days. He said he waited a year before giving it to her.
Danny said that he doesn't give a rats ass if his wife gets off during sex or not. He said that he has to have sex. Howard said he cares if a woman gets off. Howard asked Danny if he's on smack or anything like that. Danny said he wasn't on anything at this point. Howard told him about Artie's addiction to heroin that went on last year.
Howard told Robin about the first episode of Breaking Bonaduce where he gets on a ledge of a building and looks over the edge. He said it was nuts and he gets sick just watching Danny doing stuff like that. Danny said that in his regular life, he just sits in a chair reading a book and drinking. When he does that crazy shit, he's sober and doing it for the VH-1 cameras.
Danny said that the VH-1 guys were asking him to do some crazy stuff for some promos they were doing. They wanted him to do something crazy so he put a cigarette out on his tongue. He said he had never done that before or after that. He did it because they asked him to do something crazy. Howard said that Danny reminds him of the Jackass guys because they would do stuff like that.
Howard asked Danny if he was uncomfortable for weeks after putting the cigarette out on his tongue. Danny pulled out a Marlboro, lit it up and put it out on his tongue. Howard cringed and said ''Oh shit!'' when he saw that happen. Danny said that didn't change his day but it did hurt a little bit. Danny got in a plug for his comedy show and the web site to check out for tickets... ComixNY.com.
Howard checked out Danny's tongue and said it did have a spot on it. Gary came in and said he knows guys who do that and they don't really mind it. Danny has to win at anything he does and demonstrated a game he plays with his buddies that he just can't lose. He also said he will play games like Racquetball just to beat someone even if he's not good at it.
Danny told Howard that he and his wife are back in bed together and she's enjoying that rabbit thing. They're getting along and answering the mail they get on their Myspace page. Howard asked Danny if he wanted to do this ball burning thing that Sal and Richard do. The two of them came in and told Danny what they do and how they win. Danny wasn't interested in doing it for no reason.
Danny said that he gives his all to any show he does. He said that they like him so much on CSI that they've brought him back from the dead three times now. He said that they do flashbacks and stuff for his character just to bring him back on the show. Danny said that there was one scene where he was supposed to swallow a key and it ended up getting stuck in his throat. He wasn't actually supposed to swallow the key so the director flipped out when he learned that he had actually swallowed it. Danny said that his murder is the only one on that series that hasn't been solved. They do that to bring him back from time to time.
Danny said that he wants to really bite the heads off chickens on CSI because that's what his character is supposed to do. He said he wants to do it off camera just to do it so he doesn't get the producers into trouble. He said he thinks that he's ready to do something like that for his career. Danny said that he's all over the place with TV shows and stuff. He said he's doing everything and they're all competing against each other. He said he did this one show for VH-1 where he was hanging out with Adrianne Curry. He said she was going nuts thinking that the ghosts were talking to her. Danny said that he told her that the ghosts told him that the only way to appease them was to blow him and he thinks she was actually thinking of doing that.
Danny said that he found out that his wife was using the Rabbit vibrator on herself. He said that doesn't bother him because it's like she's awakening sexually now. He said he even found out that she was masturbating about once a month just to get to sleep. He said he told her that she should tell him when she wants to do that.
Danny said he was at an awards ceremony and they showed a clip when he was announced as a winner. He said that they showed this clip of him jabbing a needle in his arm and his daughter had never seen that before so she let out a scream. She was sitting near her favorite band Green Day so they hugged her and consoled her since he was back stage. He said that made him a hero to her because she was with her favorite band and they were hugging her.
Danny told Howard that he signed up with Pod Fitness after hearing about it on Howard's show. He said that they called him and asked him if he wanted to be a trainer at their business. He didn't want to do that because he doesn't know anything more than their trainers do. He said that he eventually went over to work with them though.
Howard gave Danny some plugs for his stuff and then took some phone calls. One guy asked Danny when he's actually going to commit murder. Danny said he doesn't think that the guy had him figured out. He said he would never do something like that. Danny went on to talk about working on The Other Half show that he did with Dick Clark and how every guy on that show would lie about stuff. He said he would always tell the truth and the way he actually feels. He said he doesn't want to die himself, he just wants to live an exciting life.
Danny said he took a test the other day and found out that if he keeps doing what he's doing he might live to the age of 68. If he quits all of that stuff he might live to 74. He figured there's no reason to quit if he's just going to live that extra few years so he's going to keep it up.
Howard played a clip from the new season of Breaking Bonaduce where Danny is talking to his therapist and telling him how great his life is going. Then his wife says that their marriage isn't so great. Danny didn't realize that it was that bad. That set Danny off again.
Howard said that Danny has to be the hardest person to live with because of his strong personality and stubbornness. Danny said that he had gotten fired from his radio job back then and he'd really like to have that job back. He said he's all over TV right now but he misses that radio show.
Danny told a story about ended up in an apartment that he didn't recognize one day. He called his wife Gretchen to tell her where he was and she told him that she had kicked him out of the house and that's where he was living. He had been living there for 3 days and didn't even realize it because it had been a bad few days. Howard wrapped up with him after that, gave him some plugs and was about to go to break.
Danny told Howard that this season he picks a fight with a guy who he can't possibly win against. He knew that at the time but he did it for his TV show to make it great. He said you won't even recognize him after the fight because he got beaten up so bad. He said he needed to show something on the show to make himself bleed on the show so he picked this fight.
Danny said that picking fights isn't something he wants to do but when he does fight, he does it to win. He couldn't give Howard details of how he pissed this fighter off to make him beat him up. He had to leave that for the TV show. Howard said that he could have gotten brain damaged from this thing. Danny said that there were gloves involved so it wasn't bare fists.
Howard spent a little more time talking to Danny about his sex life. Danny said that this Rabbit vibrator has changed his life in the past few days. He said that she's wet enough that he doesn't need lube or anything. He said that he only takes a few seconds to complete with her. He said that she's not into getting oral from him but he's willing to do it for her. He said that she will blow him as well as long as it's quick. She doesn't do anal either. Danny said that door was closed a few years back.
Howard talked about how good Danny was when he did his shows there. Danny said he's willing to work there if they want him. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Beth went to the premiere of the new movie ''Babble'' and liked that a lot from what Howard said. He said he was home alone since Beth was out so he was trying to beat off to this chick who is on Dancing with the Stars. He said his penis is worn out from peeing all day and it's just disgusting. He said his balls are constantly covered in pee because his penis is so short. He said he gets chapped balls from it. His penis also gets stuck to him. He said he doesn't want to touch his penis so he sits down on the toilet when he wants to pee. Artie said he sits down to pee but that's because of laziness. He said he doesn't really pee on his balls like Howard does.
Howard said he was whacking it off to this chick on that show but he had to stop because Joey Lawrence was on the screen. After the show was over he thought about a sex experience he had one time. He said the chick jerked him off and he thought about that. He said she was kind of famous but he couldn't talk about who it was. He told Artie he might not know who she was even if he did tell him. Howard said he didn't want to have sex with her because he was afraid of catching something.
Howard whipped through a list of the top celebrity earners who are dead. Kurt Cobain was at the top of the list along with Elvis and a bunch of people. Even Albert Einstein is on the list so Gary came in and said that the Baby Einstein line of products earns money for the Einstein name.
Sam brought in this guy Colin who helped him out with The Bitter Half. He said he's been working with him since the Tracey Ullman show. He was a line producer on that show and he's been working with him since then. Robin asked Sam if he plucks his eyebrows or something. Howard asked him about it as well so Sam stood up to show him. He said he does groom himself so that's why they look the way they do.
Sam said that he was flying out to New York yesterday and talking to a producer. The guy was reading Variety and the guy turned to the full page ad in the magazine where Howard and SIRIUS thanked him for doing this thing. He said it was a very nice surprise to him when he saw that. He had no idea it was coming. Howard said that they all sat down and figured that it would be the best gift they could give him since he's done so much work on that thing.
Howard said he was going to shut the microphones off and enjoy this sitcom along with everyone else. Sam said they didn't even need a set-up. He also told Howard to keep the microphones closed so they don't interrupt it.
Howard went into the bit a few seconds later. The show started out with George Takei as the host and talking about radio plays and how he used to listen to them when he was a young boy. He said this was about the secret lives of the wives and girlfriends of the Stern Show staff.
The first scene was Beth beating the crap out of their dog Bianca. Howard came in and told her how good she is with that dog. Beth was making comments about Howard that he couldn't hear as he was showering. She told him that he could save a half hour in the shower by not washing his nose. She also told him he was the biggest fag she knows but low enough that he couldn't hear it.
Next up was Robin and Mr. X and their parrot Polly. Gilbert Gottfried was playing the part of Mr. X and doing his black voice. Their parrot was repeating after Mr. X as he was saying he wasn't going to listen to the show.
Fred and his wife were arguing about Fred's work and Fred was talking about getting his own show again so he wouldn't have to work with Howard. Alison didn't want him to quit and told him to get to work. Fred went to work but said he wasn't going to talk.
After that it was Mary Dell'Abate talking about Gary as if he were a wild animal in the woods. She hid his keys on him so he would have to forage for them in the house like a monkey would in the woods.
Artie and Dana were back together in The Bitter Half. Dana sang a song about Artie drinking too much and how he should go to the shrink to get back together with her. Artie was also singing in the song. Jack Daniels and the hooker who blew Artie in his car also sang in the song.
George Takei came back on and went back to visit with Beth and Bianca. John Stamos stopped by their apartment while Howard was at work. Stamos said he was starting to have feelings for her. Beth said that she was sleeping with Wilmer Valderrama. She closed the door on John as her phone was ringing. She took a call from Alison Norris and gave her a fuck you when she hung up on her. Beth then went to look in the mirror. She saw a wrinkle/laugh line and said that she had a plan for this day. She said Howard Stern must die.
Alison Norris visited with George Takei and talked about Fred's disgusting uncircumcised penis. George told her that she might want to take a ride on the Sybian. She took it for a spin and cursed as she was supposed to be getting off. She was supposed to be doing a commercial for it but she was actually getting off and said that it had been so long...
George Takei moved the show along to the next scene which was at a botox party. Alison, Dana and Mary Dell'Abate where there when Beth came in. Beth just wanted to get her shot and get out of there. She took the shot from the guy who said she might feel a little prick. She said she was sleeping with Howard Stern so she knows what a little prick feels like.
Robin and Mr. X (Gilbert) were back on and Mr. X was lying to her about hearing the show that day. He claimed that he liked the news but Robin knew that he was lying. Their parrot revealed that she was right by repeating what he had said earlier.
Howard came back home to Beth and told her he had a great day because Artie had stayed awake during the whole show that day. Beth was there to greet him and she had a surprise for him. She told him to take off his clothes to get his surprise. Howard whipped off his clothes and hopped into bed. He called Beth over to him. Beth came over and told him that she had some papers drawn up so they could figure out what to do with Bianca if he ever died. She was asking him to sign over $50 million to the BETHO organization if he passes away. He signed them after she told him what a dirty little whore she felt like.
Howard's parents made an appearance and showed up at Howard's apartment. Howard had to hide all of his porn from his parents. Beth told Howard that she was going to give him some erotic asphyxiation. Then Ralph called in and gave Howard some lists of hot chicks who have hit the wall and other things. Howard takes a call from a listener who is pissed that Ralph made an appearance in the bit. Beth tells him to hang up so she can get back to doing him. She then tells him that she's going to strangle him but give him a safe word of 'You're Rich.'' Howard then tells her to strangle him and she starts to choke him.
She's in the middle of strangling Howard when Dice Clay shows up as a cop. He and Ralph come in and save Howard's life. Howard said it was all a big misunderstanding because they were just messing around. Howard sent the cop on his way and then went off on Ralph for coming over and interrupting. Ralph picked out a robe for him to wear and then said he heard Beth strangling him so he grabbed a cop and brought him up.
Howard asked Ralph if he thought that Beth could really kill him. He told him that if he ever does that again he's never letting him pick out his clothes or even shave his balls ever again. Ralph apologized to Howard but he wanted him to apologize to Beth. She gave him a hug and told him that if he ever crossed him again she'd kill him.
George Takei then wraps up the show and Howard thanks everyone who played themselves in the sitcom. George also gave a preview of the next show where Howard goes deer hunting with Beth and she has him wear a hat with deer antlers.
After the Bitter Half was done Howard came back to applause. Robin said it was excellent and Alison Norris was great in her part. Sam said that Beth was also great. Dana's singing was great as well according to Howard. Robin liked Artie's singing as well.
Artie said he can't wait to see the Deer Hunting episode. Howard took a call from a guy who thought the sitcom was great and Alison Norris did a really good job in her part. Everyone thought she did very well with her argument with Fred. Sam said that she also did that Sybian ride and really got into it.
Howard took another call from a guy who told Sam he did an awesome job. He liked the Artie and Dana song. Howard also liked the Gilbert Gottfried character and the parrot that repeated after him. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Howard how great it was. She was screaming out her pleasure with the whole thing and said that it was better than The Simpsons. Howard hung up on her because she was screaming so much.
One woman said that the show was a wonderful idea but the jokes may have been explained too much. Howard joked that Sam Simon is just a beginner at this. Sam told the woman that maybe she could send him a long e-mail telling him exactly what she found wrong with it.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that he thought it was a great bit. Sam thanked some people who did the editing and added some stuff like original music and things like that to the sitcom. Howard took another call from a guy who said he enjoys the show but the bit was okay and maybe they should save it for sometime at night when he's not listening. He said he wants to hear the regular show, not this thing.
Gary asked who played the parrot so Sam said that he played it. He said it was supposed to be Craig Gass but they had recorded him first before Gilbert had recorded his stuff so that was kind of strange. He just filled in for Craig.
Howard said that they have never had anything like this so it was something new for them. He thanked Sam for all of the work he did and was glad he got the positive feedback he got. He went to break right after that.
Howard read some mail from some fans from around the world who are now able to hear Howard on the web thanks to this new SIRIUS internet service. Some people from England also wrote in and said they'll be listening. A guy in France used to live in the U.S. and is very happy that he can now hear the show.
Howard said he likes to hear that people are tuning in and listening. He said he really has to pee bad and he probably should have gone during the break.
Howard said that Riley Martin is back doing his show and did one last night. A caller told Howard that Riley is a genius. He said he's not sure if he believes his own shit but he could listen to that stuff night and day. Howard said he's sure that Riley hasn't met any aliens. Robin said if he had, he'd probably be the most important person in the world.
Robin said that she could confirm that Riley doesn't believe his own shit because of that time that Sal and Richard had him interpreting things that he was just making up.
Jessica Hahn called in and told Howard how great Beth was in that sitcom. Another caller told Howard that The Bitter Half was the funniest thing he's ever heard. He said Beth was great in it and really liked some of the jokes that were in it. He was laughing just talking about it.
Howard took a call from Siobhan the transsexual who said she loved that bit as well. Howard let everyone know that Siobhan is back on the show and she just recently lost her virginity. Siobhan apologized for her meltdown on Monday and said that she was sorry for that. She also thought that Danny Bonaduce was great this morning. She said she loves him on that VH-1 show and he might be her kind of guy. She said that she can't believe that his wife doesn't give him sex.
Howard let Siobhan go after she suggested that they make it a regular thing. Howard said that Sam is a very busy man and may not have time to do more because it did take a couple of months to put it together.
Gary came in and told Howard that they're having trouble with the phone system so they have to reset it. They can't put up any calls at the moment because it has crashed. They're getting more calls than usual because of the free internet trial thing.
Howard said that Riley really is a nut. He said that tomorrow they have the Gary Roast coming up and it should be pretty brutal. He said that the line up right now is Bob Levy, Shuli, Greg Fitzsimmons, Greg Giraldo, Richard Christy, Jackie the Joke Man, Sal the Stockbroker, Colin Quinn and Artie. They'll all be roasting Gary and each other.
Howard said he had a ton of stuff to play for everyone but there's just so much that he doesn't know how to explain to people what they've been up to.
Howard had some Crazy Alice clips to play. He played one prank call that Sal made using Crazy Alice clips. He had Alice cursing out a guy who played along with her for a short time. Howard and Robin tried to interpret what the guy on the phone was saying because he wasn't making much sense. They've done that before and Howard kind of knew some of the stuff he was saying and it wasn't quite as confusing as he thought it was. Howard said he had no idea what some of his comments meant so he gave up.
Howard said they found a comedian by the name of Cat Williams who uses the N-word all the time. They're going to book him for the show soon. He played a clip of the guy's act where he uses the N-word and makes up new words using that word. Howard played another clip where the guy cursed quite a bit and used the N-word some more. Artie said that this guy uses the word ''nig*erdom'' and anyone who can do that is going to get laughs. He said he's seen this guy and he's not sure if he's gay or no but he kind of comes off that way on stage.
Arnold also said that he thinks that Hillary Clinton is looking ugly these days. He wanted to get in on the Pixie girl who was on the show yesterday. He wants to bang her since JD won't. He said he would even tape himself banging his wife Maria if Howard wants. Howard thanked him for calling in after just a couple of minutes. Arnold wanted to know what's going on with Madonna and the black kid. He said that she should avoid having anything to do with blacks at all because it always means trouble. He said he was just joking about that stuff of course.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his friend was listening to the Bitter Half and when he called he was laughing so hard he couldn't understand what he was saying. His buddy is in the military and he's got all of his crew listening.
Howard took a call from a woman in Japan who said it took a long time to get through but she's been listening and it's great. She heard about the show when she was up in Canada over the summer. Howard said he couldn't be happier about the way things are going there.
Howard said that it's so much more fun doing the show there than it was at the old place. He said it's liberating to be able to put on the kind of show they put on now. He said that they're not getting bleeped anymore and it's great.
Howard talked about his call to the Kidd Chris Show yesterday and how they cut him off in Pittsburgh when he was trying to promote the service. He said that's how afraid they are of satellite.
Howard took a call from a truck driver who said he pulled into an adult book store where they had a sign up that said they would photograph him and try to get him fired if he bought anything there. The guy said he went into the store anyway and gave them the finger as they taped him buying some adult movies. Howard told the guy to tape those people since they're taping him.
Howard said that Howard TV has a free preview coming up on November 3-5. He said that it's a one cent preview for anyone who has Howard TV On Demand available through their digital cable. Howard talked about some of the stuff that they have available on there now.
The guys wanted to ask him about the child pornography thing too. Artie said he thought that might be too sensitive. Gary talked about how Pete has tinnitus and how he claims that it was the ear piece that he wears that could be blowing out his ears. He read that he used to turn it up really loud when he'd get drunk and that made him lose his hearing. Howard said that he's afraid that he's going to lose his hearing because he wears his headphones for 5 hours a day and has them pretty loud. Robin said that he will definitely lose his hearing if he keeps that up.
Artie and Howard both said that they keep their headphones really loud above the half way mark on the volume. Gary said that he was on the subway the other day and a woman was listening to her walkman and singing really loud. He wasn't sure if she even knew that she was singing so loud.
The guys also talked about how Pete once said he felt like a woman trapped inside a woman's body. Artie said his buddy was really bummed out when he heard that from Pete.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loves the show on SIRIUS and it's tough to describe what goes on with the show these days. He talked about some of the crazy stuff he's seen on Howard TV as well. Howard had to take another break and wanted Robin to do some news before Pete Townshend came in. He had Steve Langford and Jon Hein come in before that though.
Jon Hein came in with a Wrap Up Show preview. Howard and Robin explained who he was and how this is one of the new features on the show. They played his ''Rich Nerd'' theme song and then Jon gave a rundown of what they'd be talking about on today's show. The Bitter Half show will be one subject. Danny Bonaduce and his cigarette stunt will be another subject of discussion. Pete Townshend will be another one. The phones shutting down will also come up during the show. Howard thanked him for that and then went to break.
Howard said that he wishes that Pete would come on because he would love to talk to the guy. Gary said that if he knew that subject was off limits, he would have made sure they didn't talk about it. Robin was the one who actually brought that subject up so she was going to take blame for it. Howard sounded like he was bummed that Pete wasn't there but he would talk to Roger about it and try to straighten things out.
Gary said that Pete was going to perform two songs for them. Howard got Roger on the line and spoke to him about what went wrong. Roger said that they shouldn't bring that shit up because Pete was found not guilty in all of that child pornography thing. Howard said he wouldn't have brought that up in the interview if he knew that he didn't want them to.
Howard asked Roger if he has ever given him a bad interview. Roger said that some people take themselves too seriously, but not him. Roger said that the wounds are so deep with Pete that he can't talk to him about that stuff. Howard told Roger about what went on with him yesterday when he read an article about himself that just wasn't true. He said that he knows that Pete was found not guilty so they would have just passed over it.
Howard told Roger that he was sorry about what went on and he really had a lot of great questions to ask Pete. He said that Pete says some crazy stuff about Roger. Roger said he knows that and it brings tears to his eyes. Robin told Howard she's heard some horrible things about Roger as well. He was apparently yelling at the audience at a show the other day. Roger said that's because he can't smoke anymore and he wanted to stop the show when he saw some people in the front row smoking.
Roger said that he was doing everything he could to get Pete back on the air but he's gone through a lot and he's not sure he'll be able to get him back. He said he knows that Pete went through a lot of shit when he was accused of something that just wasn't true.
Howard asked Roger why Pete goes around bad mouthing him like he does. Roger said it's like a game and that's what they do for entertainment. Howard told Pete's girlfriend Rachel, who was sitting there with Roger, that he was sorry for what happened and he'd love to get him back on the show. Howard told her to tell Pete that they're just a bunch of assholes and they won't do anything to upset him.
Robin said she was sorry for bringing that subject up, she didn't know it was off limits. Howard asked Roger it there was anyone else around who had a British accent that they could pretend was Pete. Howard wanted Roger to sing a song for them but he said that wasn't going to happen without Pete being there. He wasn't going to perform acapella.
Robin said that she read that Pete had lost all of his money at one point in his career. Howard asked Roger why that has never happened to him. Roger said he doesn't need a lot of money to live. He also said he gives away a lot of his money.
Howard asked Roger when he last beat the crap out of a guy. Roger said it was probably 30 years ago, he hasn't done that in a long time. He denied ever beating Pete up when they were in school together like Robin had read. Howard asked Roger where he's living now. Roger said he's living in England. The band is out on tour and they haven't made as much money as people think they have. He said that they didn't get paid back in the early days so they're not making the kind of money that bands are now. He said that they are starting to make some money now but they didn't make much back then.
Howard told Roger that he knows Billy Joel and he makes a ton of money. Roger said he doesn't have the publishing rights like Billy Joel does. He said he's just a singer. He's happy that their songs are used on the CSI series because it gets their music out there.
Howard gave the guys a plug for the Who Channel they have there at SIRIUS on channel 10. He also asked Roger who they have playing drums and bass in the band now. Roger said that they have Ringo Starr's son playing drums and another guy playing bass.
Howard said that this interview was going great and he can't believe that Pete isn't on with them. He was still hoping that he'd come back. Howard asked Roger who the most famous chick that he's ever banged was. Artie figured it was Anne Margaret since he worked with her in the movie Tommy. He said she played his mother in the film so he wouldn't want to be with his mother.
Howard kept digging trying to get Roger to talk about the hot chicks he's banged. Roger said he wasn't going there. Howard was going to have Roger sing a song and had Fred play guitar for him. Roger didn't want to do anything old, he wanted to do something new. Fred played guitar but Roger refused to sing. Artie and Howard did some singing instead. Howard sang about Pete walking out on the interview. He sang that to the tune of ''Won't Be Fooled Again.'' Howard told Roger that it was that simple so Roger told him to go head and keep singing himself.
Howard asked Roger what his favorite Who song was. Roger said he's on break from the tour and didn't want to sing. Howard, Fred and Artie were all singing and Roger didn't want to do it. He told them to carry on because Fred wasn't playing the right chord.
Roger claimed that Pete had taken his guitar with him when he left so he didn't even have a guitar to play if he wanted to. Howard told Roger to pass along a note to Pete apologizing to him for what had happened. Roger and Fred went off on each other a little bit about the chord that Fred was playing. Fred said that Roger was just being a dick and not singing.
Howard told Roger he really feels horrible about what happened with Pete and he thinks that he would have loved it if he had stuck around. Roger said he would have played a song if he had a guitar there. He said he had to drive 2 hours to get to the studio he was at there in England.
Howard gave Roger a plug for their new album ''Endless Wire'' and then Fred started playing guitar again. Roger finally agreed to sing a little bit if it would shut them up. He sang a little bit of ''Teenage Wasteland'' so Howard thanked him for that.
Howard said he went to see The Who a few years ago and thought they were great. Artie said he saw them in concert a couple of years ago and he dropped his mic when he was swinging it around. He thought he had killed someone in the front row. Roger said he was lucky and didn't hit anyone there. He had just had his shoulder operated on and it wasn't ready for the swing.
Howard said he thinks that Pete would have had a great time if he had come on the show. Howard asked Roger about Pete's girlfriend. Roger was saying that she's been a huge support to him and she's been great. Howard also asked him about the concerts and Roger said that Pete has written some great new songs that are on the new album.
Howard asked Roger about the current state of the record business and how the piracy is going to kill the industry. Roger said that it's going to ruin the business and leave the artists with nothing. Howard asked him about the tours they go on and if they fly on private jets everywhere. Roger said they have to do that to make sure they get where they need to be.
Howard blamed Robin for Pete getting chased off. Robin said she didn't know it was something she wasn't supposed to talk about. Howard asked Roger if he's doing any drugs these days. Roger said he's become allergic to pot so he can't smoke it anymore. He said he used to smoke it and it would calm him down after doing a show. He can't do that anymore. He's not so sure it's a good thing anymore because it's so strong now. He said the last puff he took, about 3 years ago, put him on his back after just one puff. It wasn't like that in the old days.
Howard apologized again for what happened with Pete. So did Robin. They both asked Roger to relay their apologies to Pete. Howard gave The Who plugs for their tour, the album and the Who Channel they have there on SIRIUS. He asked Roger what he thinks is their best album. Roger didn't have an answer. Howard told him it's Quadraphinia. Roger didn't seem to want to comment on that.
Robin asked Roger if The Who would ever show up on American Idol. Roger told her a story about going to EMI back when they were starting out and they heard that the people that were judging them said that the lead singer had no personality, the guitar player had no rhythm and the drummer knew nothing of the tempo. That was back in 1964 according to Roger. Howard let him go after that and said it was kind of a bummer what happened.
Artie said that he's going to see The Who down at the Borgata in Atlantic City in a few weeks and he'll straighten things out then. Howard took a call from a guy who said that the interview was ''almost'' the greatest interview ever. Howard said he still feels bad about the whole thing. Robin was upset too. Howard said that Scott Greenstein must be freaking out because he set up this whole thing. Beth is also friends with Pete and now he's going to think he's an asshole.
Gary said that he's staying away from Scott's office because he knows it's going to come down on his head. He said Pete was supposed to do something for the Who Channel today but now it seems that he's not even going to be there for that. Howard said that Pete could have come on and said something about what they were talking about and to just drop it.
Gary said that someone should have figured that they might go to that subject and could have asked them to avoid it. He was also saying that if they hadn't talked about that subject if Pete had stuck around, he'd call in and complain about that as well. He can go either way. Ralph said he might be right about that.
Howard had the Ralphie Cakes song that they play for him when he calls in. He did that for everyone listening on the internet today. Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was pretending to be Pete Townshend. He did a couple of songs for the guys as Pete. He took some requests from Howard and played a couple of short clips of each song.
Mutt from Superfan Roundtable called in and said that ''Sour Pete'' was great. Mutt said he thought it was going to turn into a disaster with Pete not calling in but it turned out to be great. Howard talked about Beth's relationship with Pete and how he knows he's going to run into him some day and Pete will curse him out.
Howard said that he knows that Beth is going to ask him about how the interview went and he'll have to explain what went wrong. Robin told him to just blame her.
High Pitch Eric called in and asked Howard if they're going to have a studio audience when they play chess. Howard said they would do that if he wants. Eric said he wants that and he's been practicing on the web. His name on the chess club web site is HPE923 if you want to try and beat his ass.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Roger really saved that interview. The guys said that he did save it because he wasn't even scheduled to come on but he made his way down there and saved the interview.
Howard said he had to tell everyone that they have been getting bashed regularly and the latest person to do it is the guy who runs the NAB (National Association of Broadcasters). That guy is writing letters to the FCC saying that they should be subject to the rules of terrestrial radio now that they're giving away the show free on the internet. Howard said it's the internet, not the airwaves.
Howard also said that his old buddy John Mainelli is rumored to be going to Free FM to become the Program Director so he was right about all of the bashing he was doing of his show. It's obvious that they're trying to give him any negative press they can.
A phone caller asked Howard why Howard TV can't be on satellite TV. Howard said that the technology is not available on satellite like it is on digital cable. He said that it is a shame that they're not on satellite but it was the only way to do the show uncensored. He said he couldn't go on with the TV show the way it was on regular TV. Howard said that they seem to be flourishing with the current on demand stuff so he's glad about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said The Bitter Half was great and he'd like to hear more. Howard said they'll see how the audience responds to it and take it from there. Irish John called in and asked why Howard puts up with someone like Pete Townshend dissing him like that. Howard said that Robin is taking most of the blame for what happened. He didn't explain why he would take shit from him. He went to break after that.
Howard and Robin were still kind of freaked out by what happened with Pete Townshend. Howard said he kind of had a feeling that something might happen when Robin and the guys were talking about that child porn stuff. He figured that Pete couldn't have been listening at that point though so he just let it pass.
A phone caller told Howard that he seems to be acting more excited than usual today with the internet thing going on. Howard said he might be a little more excited today but it's a pretty typical show as far as he's concerned. He doesn't know what the problem is though. He told the guy to just enjoy the show every day and enjoy it.
Howard said he read that Lindsay Lohan wanted to perform for the troops but they turned her down. Howard said they were told the same thing when he thought about going over to Iraq to perform for the troops.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the show has been great and he's been listening for the past 6 months or so. He said he hates that he has DirecTV because he can't get his TV shows. Howard said that people seem to be enjoying that service as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who claims that he got to kiss Blue Iris the other day. Howard told the new listeners that Artie had to make out with her on the air the other day. He had Robin start her news after that.
During the news Howard took a call from a guy who said tat he thinks that Gary will cry during his roast. Howard said it could happen but everyone is going to get hit with the jokes. Howard wondered if everyone was going to drink tomorrow. He said it's awfully early in the morning to drink though.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who said he liked The Bitter Half show that they played earlier. He was also asking Howard if he could get in on the Gary Roast. Howard told him he would bring him in if they weren't already packed up and he couldn't fit him in. He told him to call in early for the next roast and he'd hook him up.
A phone caller told Howard that they should have known that the child porn stuff was going to be an issue with Pete Townshend. Howard said that it wasn't going to be the tone of the interview, they were just discussing all of the things that they could talk to Pete about.
Another caller said that he used to work for XM radio and he had to leave the company when Howard went to SIRIUS. He said he left a good paying job just so he could listen to Howard whenever he wants. Howard said he used to have a job in regular radio and left that good paying job just so he could do satellite radio.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:50am.
Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to day two of the free offer there at SIRIUS. He wondered how people were enjoying these two days. He heard some wild numbers for the number of people who were streaming the show yesterday. It seems to be a popular thing with this promotion.
Robin said she heard from some promotional people that it was a great idea. Howard wasn't taking credit for it since his suggestion was to press a CD with some of the show and put that in some magazines.
Howard read some feedback from some fans who liked what they were hearing. One guy said he's been listening all 10 months and suggested that people go out and get their radios now. One guy from Shanghai China used to live in the U.S. Said he's listening over there. Someone from Australia asked about how to get in touch with Howard. He said everyone can call 888-9-ASSHOLE.
Howard started to read another e-mail but Fred's computer threw in a sound effect and Fred had no idea what it was. He said he was having some trouble with his computer so he had to explain that to Howard. Howard went on to read some more mail. He got one from someone in Denmark, Ireland and another from Iraq. The guy in Iraq said that when he realizes that if he wasn't over there, there wouldn't be a Howard Stern Show and when gets home from the war he will be buying a radio to listen to him. Robin wondered if they were still going to be on the radio by the time the war is over. Artie said that there would be a Howard Stern Show without the war in Iraq and those guys should be home.
Howard said that their first show over the internet for free made some news. He saw that some newspapers picked up on how Pete Townshend walked out and didn't do the show. Howard got sidetracked when he saw Artie eating something. Artie said that it's Famous Amos cookies. That led to Artie and Howard talking about the number that he has to push to get the cookies out of the vending machine. Howard said that's one of the things that Artie has become good at over there. The cookies are number 146 in the machine and the Entenmann's cookies are number 152.
Howard asked Artie what else he likes to eat out of that machine. He said they haven't been putting a lot of hostess cupcakes in there but he likes those. The Devil Dogs were his favorites. He rattled off the vending machine numbers for all of that. Artie also said he likes Chocolate Pop-Tarts but they sometimes put strawberry in there. Artie said he has gained about 80 pounds in the past 10 months. He knows it's unhealthy what he's doing.
Howard said that people don't know that Artie was on heroin last year when he was thin. Artie said that the heroin doesn't do that, it was the stress he was under last year. Howard thought that's what kept him thin but Artie said he was thin before that for about 4 years.
Howard got back to the Pete Townshend story. He read an article about Pete walking out of an interview before it even started. Howard said he listened back to the show and figures it was more Artie than Robin who chased Pete away. Robin agreed but Artie defended himself saying it wasn't him at all. Howard played him a clip from the Wrap Up Show where they played a clip from the show where Robin brought up the child porn story and then Artie said that the researching child porn was an excuse that a lot of pedophiles use as an excuse. Artie said he wouldn't have brought that up if Robin didn't bring up the story.
Howard read more of the article about Pete leaving. The article blamed Robin and quoted her on a couple of the things that she said. Howard played another clip from the Wrap Up Show where Fred went off on Roger Daltry for not singing the songs they wanted him to. Fred said that Daltry just didn't want to sing and he was coming up with all kinds of excuses not to do that.
Howard said that he read a story about Tommy Lee getting involved in some business where he helps people make phony phone calls (CrankPranks.com). He said he must be desperate to be doing something wacky like that. Howard said they went on the web site for that business and the calls aren't funny, they're just mean. He played one where they call someone and tell them that they're infected with gonorrhea. Howard said that could drive someone crazy hearing something like that. It wasn't funny and it wasn't obvious that it was a prank call message.
Howard had another one where they have an announcer say he's from the FAA investigating something. In another one they have a guy call and say that they're investigating some credit card purchases for some sexual enhancers.
Howard played a couple of others and then promoted the upcoming Baba Booey roast. He said that would be happening at about 7:30. They also had Sharon Osbourne coming in today.
Another caller just wanted to thank Howard and told them that he's been listening on the web. Howard told him that one of the bits that got mutilated over at K-Rock was this call that Benjy made to Hazel. He said they've never been able to play those in their proper form so he was going to play that for the caller.
Howard let the caller go and then played the prank call that Benjy made a few years ago. Benjy attempts to have phone sex with the woman as he's pretending to be a horse. He has her telling him that she wants his horse cock and stuff like that. She plays along with him but she's in a nursing home and can't get too loud.
Howard said that was a classic call that they could never really play on terrestrial radio. He said they had to bleep it a lot back then though.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was listening on the web. He didn't know that he could listen on the web all the time if he was a subscriber. Another caller said that he liked The Better Half yesterday. He was laughing just thinking about the half hour radio sitcom. Howard said that's the first time they've done something like that and it's a very ambitious project.
Howard read some mail from fans who wanted to comment on The Bitter Half. A lot of people liked it, there were a few that didn't. He read through a ton of those e-mails. One guy said that it should have been a 5 minute bit, not a 30 minute show. Howard said that about 95 percent of the e-mail was positive, only about 5 percent was negative.
Howard said that the $25,000 grand prize for this contest is courtesy of BetUS.com. He got Big Foot Mark on the phone to give his picks. He's 3-2-2 in the pool right now. Big Foot sounded like he was a bit out of it this morning. He was in a motel somewhere and had the TV on. He said he didn't hear any noise but then he turned it down and said that it was the TV. Big Foot was on some kind of medication so that's why he sounded so out of it. He said it was some schizophrenic (he called it shitsophrenia) medication. Big Foot was going with the Buccaneers this weekend.
Howard and the guys were asking Big Foot if he had a dead guy in bed with him. He slowly answered ''no.'' Gary came in and told Howard that Big Foot got a flat while he was in New York and he called his old manager to come down and help. He said that the manager drove all the way down from Vermont to change his tire for him. The guys were kind of surprised that he can drive all by himself. He drives a 1993 Cadillac. The guys all said they'd be looking out for that car.
Robin noticed that the medication he's on has stopped him from saying ''it is'' after everything he says. Artie said that medication sucks.
Howard got Crazy Alice on the phone to get her picks. She was all revved up as soon as Howard mentioned her name. She hates the ''crazy'' part of her name. She said she doesn't know where that came from but she hates being called Crazy. She said hello to her favorite guy Fred. She also told Howard she liked the part in The Bitter Half where Beth was trying to kill him.
Alice said that she's not allowed to yell anymore because her landlord came to her last week and told her she can't be yelling on the phone anymore. Artie tried to get her yelling but Alice was trying to stay calm and wasn't yelling back. Artie started going off on her trying to get her to yell. She told him that if she gets evicted she's going to come after him. She was staying remarkably calm while he was doing that to her.
The more Artie kept it up the louder Alice was getting. She was going off on him and cursing him out getting louder and louder. Howard told her she's going to get into trouble with her landlord if she kept that up. She told him that he should stop Artie then. Artie got even more brutal telling her that she was a pile of shit and even if her landlord didn't hear her, he'd be able to smell her because she was a huge pile of shit.
Howard broke in and tried to calm both of them down but Alice was speaking very loudly to Artie. Howard said he just wanted to get Alice's pick. Alice said she was going with the Broncos this weekend. Artie laughed at her and goofed on her pick even though she's in first place while he's in last. Howard let Alice go after that She was still speaking very loud as she got off the line.
Howard told Artie he was out of line with some of those comments. He got Elegant Elliot Offen on the line next. Elliot was very calm and speaking with a southern accent. He said that he spoke to Johnny Fratto who advised him to pour some sugar on these mother fuckers. Howard asked Elliot what character he was doing. Elliot said that when he did his bunko stuff, that's the voice he would put on. This is what he's doing to them so that's the voice he's going to put on for them.
Elliot said that he fooled everyone back in July of 2000 and got on the show. He went into a female voice and then went into his ''real'' gangster voice and started yelling at Howard and the guys. Howard asked him if he's schizophrenic. Elliot said he's not. He said that he can't get too excited and he's trying to be in his best behavior to stay on the show. He told Robin that he hopes to get invited onto Robin's boat some day. Elliot said that the one person who he will not do that to is that fucking diabetic Dell'Abate. He went off on Gary a little bit and said he's going to put him in a fuckin' casket and then piss on his fuckin grave.' He said he would leave him to die on 8th Avenue.
Elliot said that Gary doesn't communicate with him and he gave him bad faith information so he's pissed off at him. Howard went to Elliot's plug so they could get that out of the way. Gary came in and apologized to him but Elliot came out of his nice voice and said that he will break Gary up and leave him to die. He told Gary that if he ever sees him he will go back to jail just to beat the crap out of him. Gary told Elliot to go fuck himself so Elliot invited him down to the Funny Store where he works and say that to his face.
Howard had Elliot give his plug. Elliot went back into his nice, little girl voice. He said he was going to do the plug in 40 seconds instead of 45 seconds. He said you can go to GangsterTalk.biz to find his stuff. He's also making prank calls for people where he can dehumanize people. He got in a couple of plugs for the web site and then gave his pick for this week. Howard told him he's 2-5 just like Artie is.
Elliot said he was going to pick the Kansas City Chiefs this weekend. He spoke to Artie in his sweet voice and asked him what the spread was. He was remaining amazingly calm as long as Gary wasn't in the studio. Elliot got in another plug for his web site and said that Mr. Fratto told him that his DVD is very disturbing. He got in a plug for his web site MidWestMafia.com as well. Elliot wished that Gary would die in his sleep tonight as he got off the phone.
Howard forgot to get Artie's pick this week. Artie told him that he does that every week. Artie said that he's going with Green Bay.
The caller asked Artie where they were playing Beer League. Artie said it was at the North Versailles in the Pittsburgh area. It's just one theater and they're only there for like one week.
Howard said he had to congratulate Steve Langford on getting an interview with someone down at the United Nations yesterday. He played a clip where Steve asked the Press Secretary General a question about Howard Stern. The guy didn't want to comment on any pop culture things so he didn't have anything to say about Howard.
Howard said that one of the great things that has happened there at SIRIUS is that George Takei is their announcer. He said that one great moment was when they had the fake Arnold Schwarzenegger call in and debate George. George had no idea it was the fake Arnold. Howard played that clip as he was going to break.
Sharon told Howard he's looking too thin these days. He told her about his diet and how it makes his farts smell so bad that they've actually woken Beth from her sleep. Sharon was telling Howard about Ozzy's laugh lines and how they're even deeper than Howard's are.
Howard said he heard some disturbing news about Sharon and that she wants to have the band removed from her stomach. He talked to her about being fat when she was younger. She said that she couldn't get laid back then because she was fat. She did have plenty of friends though. Howard said that he thinks that Ozzy really loves her for her because he married her when she was fat. Sharon said that she was 225-230 pounds before her operation. Back when she met Ozzy she was about 160.
Howard said he never thought of her as glamorous until after this weight loss. Now she wants to get this band removed from her stomach and she could balloon up again. Sharon said that they can only keep the band for 10 years and they have to take it out anyway. She's had hers for about 6 or 7 years so it's going to come out anyway. Howard asked her why she doesn't just keep it for another 4 years. Robin said that she could just get another band.
Sharon said that she's gained 15 pounds recently so Howard told her that she could blow right back up if she gets that band removed. Sharon said that she wants to eat more but she doesn't want to get fat. She said she's going to avoid that by going to a psychiatrist. Howard told her that she's not going to be Cinderella anymore if she gets that band removed.
Fred played some sad piano music and Howard told her that taking that band off is like letting a pedophile out of jail. Howard asked Sharon to show him her breasts but she said they are only for her husband. She told him he could touch them though. He took her up on that offer and felt her up. He felt both sides and said they felt good on his hand. Artie got in a feel too after Sharon said he was gay for not wanting to touch them.
Benjy asked to touch Sharon's boobs after telling her that she's his idol. Another four guys came in and wanted to feel her up as well but Sharon sounded like she was done with that bit. Howard read that Sharon and Ozzy haven't been seeing much of each other. He wondered why she's so busy. She said she's doing a TV show over in England and the show is very successful over there. Howard said that's like having a popular show in Virginia. Sharon said that they pay just as well over there as they do here in the United States.
Sharon said that the size of England could fit inside the state of California but they get 12 million viewers every week. They pay her very well for that over there. Howard asked Sharon about her spending and if she's still spending all of Ozzy's money. She said she doesn't do that and she's making her own money with her TV show.
Sharon told Howard that she sold 1.8 million copies of her book ''Sharon Osbourne Extreme: My Autobiography'' so she's doing very well with that. That led to the guys talking about Sharon having sex with Randy Rhodes. She denied ever having sex with him and said she knew that they were going to bring that up on the air. Howard thought she was doing that to get back at Ozzy for sleeping with other women but she said that wasn't true either.
Howard said that he knows that Sharon's father was very cruel and her life as a manager was to win her father's love. He also said that he knows that she saved Ozzy's life by becoming his manager. Sharon said that Howard doesn't know that her father used to deal with the mob and if she had stayed with her father, she would have ended up in prison like her brother. She said she hated her mother but she's dead now. She said that her mother did nothing to her but didn't protect her from her father. She said she doesn't think that she loved her either.
Howard told Sharon that if she takes that band off she's going to eat like mad to get over all of the stuff she was talking about. Howard told Sharon that if she takes that band off and gains over 20 pounds, she has to give one of his listeners $20 million. She laughed and said that might work but she's not going to do that.
Sharon told Howard that she would never fuck him even if he had a 10 inch black dick. She said she loves him but she doesn't find him sexually attractive. He pulled up his shirt and showed her his abs but that didn't impress her. Howard asked her about using a vibrator. Sharon said that she doesn't use one because her husband is so oversexed that she doesn't need it.
Howard asked Sharon if she wanted to ride the Sybian. She had no idea what it was so the guys brought it in and showed it to her. She said she doesn't need something like that, she has someone at home who can rock her world. She thought it was disgusting. Howard told her about some of the people who have ridden it (and a couple he made up). He even played her a clip of Carmen Electra talking about how it was the best feeling. She thanked Howard for the offer but refused to ride it.
The guys were still setting up the Sybian to show Sharon and she was shocked by the attachment they put on the thing. She wanted nothing to do with it. Howard changed subjects and brought up her kids. He said that Jack has lost weight which is great. He also said that Kelly is busy doing Project Runway over in England.
Howard asked Sharon about the house they own out in California where they shot their TV show. She said that they have a tour bus pull up every 15 minutes in front of that place. She said that she'd like to sell it but Ozzy loves the house and doesn't want to leave. Sharon said that their show opened up the doorway for a lot of other celebrities to do similar shows. She said that Ozzy was the one who took the risk doing that show.
Howard asked Sharon if it was painful for her when Jack didn't come to visit her in the hospital. She said that was Jack's story to tell, not hers. She also talked about how well Jack is doing with his real estate investments. She said that he has some rental properties and stuff like that and he's doing very well. Sharon said that he's doing very well and having fun.
Howard asked Sharon if Jack banged Paris Hilton. She apparently shook her head yes but didn't want to talk about that subject. She said that she did come over to the house and made it seem like Jack did get her. She didn't want to talk about any of the other women he's had but she said that Paris wasn't his biggest score.
Sharon was arguing with Howard about whether or not Madonna was doing the right thing by adopting this baby that she's having so much trouble with. Gary came in and told Howard that Sharon had to get going. Howard told her to be careful with the stomach band removal. He also told her to have Jack give them a call so they can have him on the show to talk about banging Paris Hilton. She said she never said that he did that but Howard took her head shake as a yes.
Gary asked Sharon if there was a time when she kept Ozzy off the show. She said she did that because she thought that Howard was going to make fun of Ozzy. She said she didn't know them very well and wasn't sure if they were fans of Ozzy's music, that's all it was. Howard gave her some plugs for her book and an appearance she was making in New York City tonight.
Levy started off by roasting Artie a little bit. He was joking about his heroin addiction and his movie Beer League. He told Artie that he's a better speller than Artie is an actor. He also went off on Robin next. He told her that she should take up Bulimia instead of race car driving. He hit her with a few other jokes and then went to Howard. He hit Howard with some good ones about his TV watching and his chess playing.
Bob moved on to Gary next and goofed on his last name, his teeth and all of that good stuff. He said that you can tell that Gary likes chocolate because he's shaped like a Hershey's kiss. Gary goofed on Bob for not memorizing his act like he said he did. Bob came right back with more jokes about him and then turned it over to the next comedian. Howard gave Bob some plugs for his stuff and then Gary introduced one of the performers who was going to sing a song. Bob wasn't aware that they were doing that though.
Howard played some music while this guy performed a live version of ''Those Teeth.'' The crowd was singing along with him as well. Howard asked the guy how long it took him to write that song. He said it was a couple of hours and it was back in 2000. That was Chris Grecco who performed the song.
Howard turned it over to Shuli after that. Shuli goofed on Bob a little bit and then moved on to Sal the Stockbroker. He said that Sal's act is a bad impression of Bob Levy who is doing a bad impression of Don Rickles. He also goofed on Penny Crone a little bit. He said that a couple of weeks ago she went out to lunch and came back with a little bit of detective in her teeth. He goofed on Lisa Lampanelli's weight a little bit then moved on to Artie. He said that he thought he was friends with Artie until he didn't offer him a job in his movie. Then he saw the movie and said that he's more of a friend than he thought. Shuli then hit Robin with a jokes about her weight. He then moved on to Jackie the Joke Man. He goofed on his act and how he lost his job on the show.
Shuli finally moved on to Gary and joked about how disturbing he is and how he looks like he belongs on Jack Hannah's shoulder. He also made fun of him looking like a monkey. Some of the jokes didn't go over too well so the guys in the studio were goofing on him. Shuli was having some trouble with his jokes toward the end of his act.
Howard said that Shuli was looking very Jewish today and he was so Jewy that he made Howard look Baptist. Gary said that he was missing Jackie until he started to hear his evil laugh this morning.
Bob introduced Greg Fitzsimmons next. Greg got up and said that Bob's break smelled like ass and he didn't know he had done his act last night. He also goofed on Shuli about his act coming to a grinding halt toward the end. He said that's the way to do it. He goofed on Artie's movie saying that his son now hates baseball... New Jersey, Artie Lange and Beer after seeing the movie. Greg did some more material about Artie, Levy and Shuli. He even hit Richard Christy with some jokes about how he ruined his career and said he hasn't seen anyone make that bad of a decision... Then he turned to Jackie and said hello to him. Greg got in a few jokes about Howard after that. He told Howard he looked like a big cunt with the clit sticking out of it with that hair of his.
Greg had a few jokes about Colin Quinn and Greg Giraldo. He said it was like being on Colin's show ''Tough Crowd'' except that the show was funny and it had a good host. Greg hit Lisa Lampanelli with a few jokes after that and then moved on to Gary. He said that Gary smiling all the time was sickening to him and his teeth looked like a row of urinals at Shea Stadium. He said that Gary is more whipped than some of Robin's ancestors. He said that Gary is going to get a lot of shit today but it comes from respect. He said that he thought Howard respected him until they hired Sal and now he realizes that he hates Gary's guts. Howard gave Greg a plug for an appearance he's making this weekend.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who was enjoying the roast. Another guy said that Bob needs to get Hooked On Phonics and Shuli crashed worse than the NY Yankees.
Bob introduced Greg Giraldo next but he got his last name wrong when he pronounced it ''Heraldo'' more than five times. Greg went off on Bob as soon as he got up there. He goofed on his hair and then hit Colin Quinn with some jokes. He got Jackie the Joke Man as well. He hit Lisa Lampanelli and Robin next. Then he got Artie with a couple of lines. Greg moved on to Sal and Richard next and then moved on to Gary. He said that he wouldn't have missed this for the world and the only way Howard would have missed it is if Gary's dead father was there. He then goofed on Gary's looks and asked him how he got to be as successful as he is when his only skills are Mets Trivia and being able to floss with rope. He told Gary he's a great guy and he means it when he says that he has the most fucked up face in all of radio.
Howard gave Greg plug for a couple of things. Gary thought his dead father joke was the most well crafted joke so far today. Howard said hello to some of the people in the crowd. Gary pointed out that Dan Patrick from ESPN was in there and he's a big fan.
Howard spoke to him for a few seconds and then Bob Levy brought up this guy Joe Becker who performed a medley of a bunch of his Baba Booey song parodies that he's submitted. Howard had him sit down after just one of the songs because he was sucking the life out of the show. Gary told Howard he flew in from Poland to do the show today so Howard had him get back up and do more songs since he flew that far. He went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy up in Maine who asked why Artie was getting it so easy today. Everyone thought he was getting hammered and didn't know what the guy was talking about. Another caller said he may have to sign up for the internet service after hearing these two days.
Bob Levy took over again and introduced Richard Christy. Richard got up and goofed on Bob Levy and Jackie a little bit. He then hit Colin Quinn a little bit. He then moved on to Lisa Lampanelli and warned her that his father might shoot her after mistaking her for a moose if she goes to Kansas. He went to Sal and called him his lover. He then moved on to Artie and told him that his movie sucked. He said he's looking forward to the sequel ''Heroin League.'' He also said that Steve Irwin was lucky enough to have died before that piece of shit came out. He then moved on to Howard and got in a few jokes about him. Then he moved on to Baba Booey and got in some bad jokes about his brother who died from AIDS and his dead father. He goofed on his love of chocolate.
After Richard was done Howard said that was incredible for a drummer. Bob Levy took over again and turned it over to Jackie the Joke Man Martling. Jackie got up and said that this is so much fun. He did his impression of Robin and apologized to her for the jokes he was telling. Jackie hit Colin Quinn with some fat jokes. He laughed at his own jokes like he always did. He moved on to Lisa Lampanelli and goofed on her weight. He said she once sat on his hand and it felt like a horse licking out of his hand. He even threw in a comment about Ralph being a queer. He then moved on to Artie Lange. He said that he and Artie are having a stupid contest, he quit the show and Artie took up heroin. He said the bet is who goes back first. Jackie said he heard that Beer League is coming out in Viewmaster. He asked Artie when he gets the chance to shoot up now that they don't have the long commercial breaks.
Jackie asked Robin if she was supposed to have a TV show. Robin said he was hallucinating. Jackie goofed on her loss of that whole thing. He had some jokes about Fred Norris after that. He said he checks the paper for Fred's name and figures that he's made it through another day when he doesn't see it there. He also said that he was on borrowed time with Fred working so close to him. Jackie hit Howard with a couple of jokes and congratulated him on his move to SIRIUS. He said he was talking to both of Howard's listeners... He also congratulated Howard on finding a woman who loves him for himself. He said he didn't need to go any further with that one.
Jackie then moved on to Baba Booey. He said that it wasn't fair to make fun of him, you just have to look at him. He told everyone to look at him and laughed as he said that people don't even have to see him to laugh at him. He said that Gary has been entertainment since the day he saw him. He said that the reason Gary never stops talking is because there's no rest position for his mouth. He talked about how funny it is when Gary tries to cover up those teeth of his. It's like trying to cover up a condom on a watermelon. Jackie had one bad joke so Fred threw in the bomb dropping sound effect.
Jackie then brought up his friend Fred who had a guitar so they could perform a song together. Fred told Jackie that if he was that funny on the show they may have found the money to pay him. Jackie and Fred performed a song about Gary to the tune of ''The Battle Hymn of the Republic.'' Jackie was going on a little too long so Howard tried to cut him off. Jackie and Fred just kept going though. Howard said that apparently Jackie is still angry at all of them. Howard gave Jackie a plug for his new Grossmaster that's available at al Discovery stores. Visit JokeLand.com for more info.
Bob Levy introduced Sal the Stockbroker next. Sal welcomed Jackie back and then told him to get the fuck out of there. He promised the people listening that they would never hear that awful song parody again. He then hit a few of the comedians in the room with some jokes. He told Jackie that he had committed suicide and did a knock knock joke and after everyone said ''Jackie Who?'' he said ''Exactly!'' He goofed on his Joke Hunt show a little bit and then moved on to Robin. He said that he now knows that Robin is in that booth so when she pops a button, she doesn't hit Howard in the face. Sal hit Artie with some jokes about his weight and his movie. He even had a joke about Beer League and Beth O having something in common... no one is coming no matter how hard Howard is plugging it.
Sal moved on to Baba Booey and did some jokes about Beth O before getting to him. He said that Gary's breath was so bad that his father's wake was a closed casket and the one who closed the lid was his dead father. He did some other jokes about Gary's brother. He said that if God knew that his brother was going to be the one sucking cock, he would have given him Gary's lips. He was pretty brutal with the jokes about his dead family members. He said that he's wasting his time up there because they're supposed to be roast people who have some accomplishments. He said the only thing Gary has accomplished is wiping his ass without flinging it.
After Sal finished everyone seemed to be in a little bit of shock from how brutal his jokes were. Bob Levy introduced another performer who was going to do a song parody. They had Barry Hayes in to perform a medley of some of his Baba Booey song parodies. He had a bunch of songs that they've played on the show lately. Everyone applauded his performance. He came all the way down from Canada for this.
Bob Levy brought up the next comedian, Lisa Lampanelli. He had trouble with her name as usual. Lisa got up there and went off on the comedians sitting there today. She said if she was going to have sex with the ugly one, she'd have to pull a train. Lisa quickly moved on to Gary and goofed on his big teeth and looks. She also goofed on his breath and said that he beat her cunt in a bad breath contest. She got back to Bob Levy and goofed on him a little more. She hit Artie with a couple of jokes and then got Howard. She got Richard Christy a little bit as well. She said that Artie was great in Beer League but it wasn't in theaters long enough for black people to talk through it. She got Jackie with some jokes as well. She got to Sal the Stockbroker and told him he has less electricity on stage than the Amish do. Lisa got Robin with a couple of jokes just so she could use the N-word.
Lisa gave a speech about Gary toward the end of her act. She said that no one there could do what Gary does and went around the room goofing on people about how they couldn't do his job. She also said she discovered that Gary only looks like he has Down's Syndrome. She said that Howard is the one who pays him so who's the retard now?
Bob Levy turned it over to Artie Lange next. Artie said that some of the audience members may have been squinting and wondering why Lisa Lampanelli was going again. He said he wasn't wearing any gaudy jewelry. He got in a plug for his movie and then goofed on Bob about his Baba Booey song parody where he sang the line ''His teeth are yell like pee.'' He said that his next song ''Tie a Yell Ribbon Around the Old Oak Tree.'' Artie then went off on Robin for screwing up the Pete Townshend interview yesterday. He said that she apparently doesn't have any black friends because he's been to her house and has seen that. She only has one black employee... Mr. X. Artie also goofed on Howard a little bit. He goofed on Beth a little bit during that.
Artie then he moved on to Jackie the Joke Man. He told him it wasn't a bad move for him to leave the show, he thinks it was the greatest move ever. Artie told Jackie that on November 9th he has to get up and do the greatest radio show ever and then headline at Carnegie Hall. He mentioned some other appearances he's making where he's getting paid huge money. Jackie told him that should buy some great heroin. Artie also told Jackie that he may have a show on Howard 101 now but that's only until he tells Howard he wants a show of his own. Artie moved on to Sal next and goofed on his wife. He goofed on his kids as well. Artie said that his sons look like a couple of homos. Sal sounded like he was cringing as the gay jokes were coming out of Artie. He was just as brutal with Sal as Sal was with the Gary jokes. Sal said he felt like he was going to fall off his chair. He went on and on with the Sal jokes. He wanted to do more but he was running out of jokes.
Artie eventually moved on from Sal to Richard Christy. He told Richard that he and Sal suck at stand-up comedy and if they weren't on the show they wouldn't be able to get jobs at Carolines as waiters. Artie said the time he told Richard his act was great was when he was on heroin. Artie moved on to Baba Booey after that. He goofed on him about being retarded and stuff like that. He also said that it's a good thing that his breath stinks because it's the only thing that keeps him awake during his boring stories. He said that Gary was part of the New York beautification project... He moved to Connecticut.
Gary said that one was brutal but not for him but for Sal. He thanked Artie for that. Artie said it's a good thing his pen ran out of ink. Howard took a call from a guy who said this was a massacre. Another caller said the roast was great but Howard told him it wasn't over yet. Jeff the Drunk called in and said that Sal was good and so was Artie.
Howard handed it back over to Bob Levy who brought up Colin Quinn. Colin started off goofing on the way they were running the roast with the songs and stuff. He asked Shuli if someone put a curse on him. He threw in some jokes about Mike Gange and Benjy. He then moved on to Greg Fitzsimmons and Bob Levy. He said that Greg Giraldo is always on the road and Anna Nicole Smith is a better parent than he is. He goofed on Sal and Richard about their dopey stunts on the show. He also said that Sal looks like the owner of a mall tanning salon. He hi Ronnie the Limo Driver with some jokes and then hit Jackie. He told Jackie he didn't have to say yes to Gary when he asked him to do the roast. Colin went around the room and hit Artie with a couple more jokes. He goofed on him about working with Dice Clay whenever he asks.
Colin got in some jokes about Scott the Engineer and told him to please just kill himself. He got in a few jokes about Ralph and thought that his last name, Cirella, was the name of a skin condition. He did some jokes about Lisa Lampanelli dating black guys. He then got back to Gary and asked him to take him to his leader. He said that he's either a very ugly man or a very handsome fish. Colin also said that he's the only guy with both an overbite and an under bite. He also said that he's so ugly that he has to turn out the lights when he jerks himself off.
Gary got up after the roast and said that he wasn't going to do jokes but then goofed on Bob Levy. He then got Greg Fitzsimmons with a joke or two. Then he hit Greg Giraldo, Richard Christy, Jackie, and Artie. He said that Jackie's face has more lines on it than Artie's coffee table. He said that Artie was wearing his formal pajama bottoms. Gary got some jokes in about Sal and said that he likes make-up sex which is when Sal puts on make-up and then fucks Richard Christy. He told Richard that if he was any worse at fucking up a career, he'd be Jackie's manager. He got in a couple of jokes about Lisa Lampanelli and told the guys that he's the guy who books the show and they shouldn't be surprised if their appearances dry up quicker than Penny Crone's cunt.
Howard was ready to wrap up but Bob said that they had one more song. Howard gave everyone plugs since they don't actually pay anyone there. They then had Steve Smith perform his medley of Baba Booey song parodies. He had a bunch that they play on the show regularly. Howard thanked the comedians and the audience that was sitting in today. He went to break after that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she's back in love with Artie after he blew Sal out of the water with his roast. She thanked Howard for the great show that she was listening to while cleaning her house.
Howard said that Lisa Lampanelli almost didn't make it to the roast due to scheduling conflicts. She's out in L.A. Shooting a movie with Owen Wilson and she had to fly right back after the roast today.
Ralph said that his favorite line was when Colin Quinn said that Gary was either an ugly guy or a good looking fish. They talked about how Colin's act is much different than everyone else's. Gary was also talking about how Bob Levy was bragging about memorizing his lines but then he read all of them and screwed them up. He said someone saw his notes and he spelled movie ''moovi.''
Howard said that he's been hearing the numbers for the hundreds of thousands of people who are streaming the show every hour. He said that so many people came with them there and now they're growing even more. He said that they should keep growing even more as time goes by.
The caller Howard had on the line said that the newspapers will spin the story to make it seem like they didn't do that well even if they do. Gary said that they're supposed to be over 6 million by the end of the year and they're on target for that.
Artie said that it was great to see Jackie and Fred back together during the roast. The guys spent a little time talking about that. Gary said that Mike Morse wrote most of his roast of the guys and he had to thank him for that. He also thanked Jim Florentine since he helped out a bit with the act as well.
Howard took some phone calls from a couple of people. Bobo called in and said the roast was great. Robin said that Lisa said that even the comedians were entertained by the other comedians. Howard said that this is what the roasts are supposed to be like. Bobo asked why Jackie's song kept going on and on and on. Howard said they tried to give them the hook but Fred and Jackie just kept going.
Fred said that he worked with Jackie on that song and he thought that Jackie was very intimidated by the whole thing and he had no idea that he was going to go on so long. Bobo put the word out that people have to sign up and get the show if they don't get it already because it's so great.
Howard took another call from a guy who was listening to the free preview. He thought the roast was great and even better than the Artie roast. Another caller said that he thinks the black jokes about Lisa Lampanelli are the best. Howard took one last call about the roast. That guy also brought up the Sharon Osbourne interview and said that was probably the greatest he's done. Howard said that he's very happy with the way things are going there.
The caller thought that Robin was getting killed in that roast and asked her if she was able to stop the bleeding. Robin said she was fine. Artie thinks that she has the best sense of humor to take all of that stuff. Double A called in and said that had to be the best roast yet. He also said he was drunk the other morning when he called in and threatened to never come on the show again.
Robin said that when Artie was attacking Sal, Richard put his arm around Sal's chair. Fred said that Sal looked like he was deflating with every joke that Artie told.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. They will be discussing the Baba Booey roast and everything that went on with that. That will be the main subject for the whole show. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Gary came in and told Howard that he had some news from the Drudge Report. He said that out in Los Angeles Katie Couric came in 7th place in the TV ratings the other night. She came in behind a rerun of ''Friends'' and some other shows. The guys spent a short time talking about why that might be happening to CBS. The guy said that there has to be something turning people off to her but they weren't sure what that might be. Howard said he heard that the same people who hired Katie are the same ones who turned down a SIRIUS ad that they wanted to run during David Letterman's show because they mentioned the dates of their free trial.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked Richard if he wrote all of his jokes that he did in the roast. Richard came in and said that he wrote all but two of them. Mike didn't think he wrote them because he's seen his stand-up act and didn't think it was that great. He also didn't think that Jackie did that well.
Another caller told Howard that the online trial was great and also talked about how great the Stiletto radio is. Howard thanked him for that and spent a minute talking about the Stiletto and how the technology just keeps improving.
Howard read some mail during the news and said that some people are upset about Robin requesting some of Vincent Price's ashes from Joan Rivers. He read through a bunch of those e-mails and people think that she's wrong for asking for something like that. Artie told her he didn't have a problem with that and she could have some of his ashes when he dies. He said that if she smokes them, she'd probably get high.
Howard took a call from a woman (Haydn) who said she's been listening to the show since she was six, she just turned 18 and auditioned for Playboy and now she's going to be in a college edition of the magazine. She asked if she could come in and meet him. Howard didn't have a problem with that because she's 18 and in Playboy. He put her on hold so Gary could set her up to visit.
Richard Christy came in with make-up on his face to talk about the Borat movie that's coming out soon. JD was trying to give a review of the movie but he was mumbling and not getting his thoughts out. Richard said he was laughing his ass off at the movie when he saw it. JD also said that it was the funniest movie he's ever seen. Howard is going to see it today.
Howard took some phone calls late in the news and one guy from England said that Artie is all over TV right now over there. They have The Norm Show playing over there. Artie said that he got a check for $18,000 when that show went over there. The caller said that he's been listening since January over there in England.
Artie mentioned that he's doing a benefit show this weekend in Lyndhurst, New Jersey and gave out the web site KeithsNight.com where you can get more info.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am
Howard started off the show by taking a commercial break. After the break Howard was talking to Robin asking her where she went. She was very cold so she had to get a tissue to wipe her nose. Howard said they had Joan Rivers stopping by to say hello. Robin said that she saw a picture of Joan in the paper and she was showing her belly. Howard said she has a lot of time so she can work out a lot. They talked about how good she looks.
Howard also said that George Takei would be stopping by. He also talked about the movie studio he was working with and how they invited him over to the set of a movie that they were producing. He said there were a lot of people just hanging around on the set. He said they were shooting an interior scene and he helped the director block some scenes and stuff.
Howard said the director was a woman with a mop of grey hair on her head. He said that she wrote the movie Flashdance. He talked to Robin about how people like that get their jobs and stuff like that. Howard figured that after he made his movie he'd become a director himself. He said that he was helping to write some of his movie but didn't want to be listed as one of the writers.
Howard said they were shooting a dance scene for this movie and it was kind of cool how they were doing it. He said they had it all choreographed and it looked cool. He said that Patrick Stewart was in the movie and he was dancing in the scene.
Howard told Robin that his movie is still in the script writing phase. He said they were about 35 percent of the way there with that. He said they were bringing in a director but he couldn't give his name because they haven't sealed the deal yet. He thinks that working with this guy would go very well. Robin knew who it was but she didn't say who it was either.
Howard said that the director will come in and take the script and shape it a little bit. They will get the story and figure out how to shoot it. Howard said that it's a very collaborative effort. They have a shooting schedule already even though the script isn't ready. He said they were going to begin the principle photography during their Christmas vacation. His schedule is going to be nuts and he's going to be burned out by the time the shoots are over.
Howard said that the schedule for shooting for the movie he visited was 73 days. He was hoping to do his shoot in 3 days. He said that they may have more little Howard in the movie than they have in the script so far. He said they will have to do more writing to make that happen.
Howard joked that Jackie had showed up to one of the auditions for little Howard in a wig because he's so desperate to get into the movie.
He said the unfortunate thing is that people would have to wait for the movie to come out. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard had some audio of Stuttering John interviewing Audrey Meadows. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about Audrey Meadows and The Honeymooners before moving on to the tapes.
Howard talked about some trouble he had with his two daughters the night before. He said one of his kids bit the other. He said he was in the middle of masturbating when he heard the kids crying so he had to stop that and go upstairs.
Gary came in and told Howard that Stuttering Vic was on the phone and it was funny to hear him try and say the word ''doctor.'' Howard got Vic on and found out that he had a problem with his eye. Gary asked him to say where he had to go and he stuttered as he was saying the word. Howard told him that was the right answer. He also told Vic that he misses him and he's working out very well with Stuttering John.
Vic told Howard that no one knows who he is so he is able to get into these events easier than John can. Vic had his call waiting coming through so it was interrupting his phone call. Vic figured it was one of his friends calling to tell him that he's on the air like he doesn't know.
Howard moved on to play some of the interview that Stuttering John got with Audrey Meadows. In the tape John was yelling out questions even though he wasn't supposed to be. He asked her if Jackie Gleason ever slipped her the tongue. She said she knew he was going to ask her a question like that.
Stuttering John was giving Howard some excuses for why he wasn't able to get a better interview. He said he didn't bring his disguise with him when he went out to do the interviews. Robin was busting his balls telling him that he should always have that disguise. John thought that Howard wasn't all that interested in having him interview Audrey Meadows so he didn't think he needed the disguise. Howard didn't understand what he was saying. He wrapped up with him a short time later.
Howard said that there's a woman who has a wish to come on her show before she dies. He said he has to find out just how sick she is before he has her on the show though. He read the letter she sent him where she talks about how much she enjoys his TV show. She was diagnosed with cancer and wanted to visit Howard. She said that she's in remission so Howard wondered if he wanted to have her on the show. He said that they've had dying people on the show before and they don't end up dying.
Howard told Gary to get this woman on the phone so he could talk to her. Gary came in and got the number and tried to call but no one was home. He also thought that the writer was a dude. He told Gary that if it is a guy then he should throw the letter in the garbage. Howard asked Gary if he identifies himself as Fa Fa Fohi when he calls people. Gary said he identifies himself as Gary from the Howard Stern Show. That led to Billy West doing his Baba Booey impression and making up even more Fafa Fohi, Gaga Gowie, Gaga Gohi and other new Baba Booey-type names.
Howard dialed the number and wanted Gary to identify himself as Gaga Golye. Howard dialed the number and got a woman on the phone. The woman said that it was her fiancee who sent the letter. It turns out the writer was Manny, not Mary like Howard thought. The woman said that her fiancee has leukemia but he was in remission.
The woman told Howard that they have canceled their wedding for now because of the illness. She said it was too bad that he wasn't there. Howard said he wanted to be up front with her and said that he's up for having Manny down there if he's really on his death bed. He doesn't want to have him there if he's going to live. The woman said that there's a good chance that he'll live. Howard told her that if he can show that he's going to die within a month, he'll have him on the show.
Howard said he now knows that Manny is going to live so he won't have him on the show. The woman said that his mother doesn't know that he's got leukemia and they didn't want her to know. Howard told the woman that she should tell Manny that he's not going to be on the show because he is going to live. He let her go a short time later. He said that it was another case of someone with cancer who will probably live to 100. He went to break a short time later.
Howard talked about what a great host he would be on The Tonight Show. He said that he would go on there and tell Johnny to kiss his ass. Fred got in on the Johnny impressions and goofed on him along with Howard.
Howard said that Johnny has such a massive ego that he will punish Jay Leno by not going on his version of the show. Howard said he hopes that Johnny withers and dies. He said that the guy had such a huge ego that he had to end his show with his giant ''Carson Productions'' logo. He talked about how elaborate the logo was and said that he should have just had the word ''ME'' up on the screen.
Howard and the guys spent a few minutes goofing on Carson's logo and how he may have come about creating it. Howard said Carson probably had huge dreams for that production company of his. None of the shows he produced ended up going anywhere though. Billy was doing his Johnny impression and had him crying on his last night on the air.
Billy West was doing his hysterically crying character as Howard was talking about Johnny Carson's dead son Ricky. They spent a little more time on that before Howard had to take another commercial break.
Howard took a call from a guy who had nothing to say. The guy said he felt weird about asking the question so Howard told him to just go ahead and ask. The guy asked what's going on about the Carson stuff. Howard hung up on him and took another call. The caller told Howard about seeing Paul Shaffer out in Las Vegas with Martin Short. That got Howard talking about these short guys like Paul Shaffer, Martin Short and Billy Crystal. He said they would give him a hard time like some kind of short-man attitude when he'd go to talk to them when he'd see them.
The caller told Howard that no one knew who Martin Short was when he was out there. Howard ended up hanging up on that guy as well. He continued to talk about the little guy attitude he got from those guys. He said it's like hanging out with a woman when he's around those guys.
Howard took a call from a guy who was looking forward to him coming down to Washington DC. Robin wasn't going to be down there because she had plans. She was supposed to be going to Syracuse to visit friends. Jackie threw in a joke about how she was going up there to write her book title or something and cracked himself up.
Howard said Gary was asking him if he needed him down in Washington DC. He got sidetracked as he was telling that story when he asked if Joan Rivers was there yet. Gary said she had just showed up. Howard said he saw Gary having a big jam session with some of the guys from the station and it looked like more of a hang out session than work. He said that every time he walked past Gary he wasn't working. Gary disagreed but his argument wasn't very convincing.
Howard heard that Joan was going to be doing a TV show so he told her that she should base it on her life and have her dead husband come back, through her dog Spike, to give her advice on her career. He said that they could have her dating all of these young guys like she does in her real life. They could also have Spike sniffing women's crotches and things like that.
Howard wondered if Edgar would be alright to play that part in her TV show. He told her that she could dig him up and play him like a puppet. He told Joan he would even co-produce the show for her. Joan asked if they could call the show The Howard Stern Show. Howard asked Joan to reveal her eyes for him because she was wearing sunglasses. She didn't want to do that on camera.
Howard asked Joan about the guy she was dating. He thought that the guy was in his 40s but Joan said he was 53. Howard talked to Joan about her plastic surgery and how she hardly ever shows her face without make-up on.
Howard wondered if they could call Blaine Trump who Joan brought up earlier in the interview. She wanted her assistant to get her on the phone and wouldn't let Howard or Gary have her phone number. Howard said they wouldn't do anything with that number if they had it. They had no reason to call her.
Howard had Blaine Trump on the phone a short time later. He said he had met her at a party that Joan threw recently. He told her that Joan told him they couldn't talk about anything so he was going to let her go. He was just kidding and asked Blaine if Joan is the only Jew she knows. Blaine said she has Joan over to dinner all the time and they are great friends. She wouldn't say that they were best friends but they are great friends.
Howard asked Blaine if Joan looks odd holding hands with her younger boyfriend. She said it doesn't look odd at all. Howard asked if the guy feels her up at all. Joan said it was time to hang up at that point so Howard wrapped up with her and let her go.
Howard said that Joan loves to have those celebrity friends. Joan said that she doesn't just have celebrity friends. Howard asked to touch Joan's body to feel just how tight she is. She didn't want to let him do that. Howard asked her about having her uterus removed. She said that she had two miscarriages after she had Melissa and she's not sure why they had to remove it but they did.
Howard asked Joan if he could give her a hug but she refused to do that. He just wanted to feel how tight her body was but she wanted nothing to do with that. Howard gave her some plugs for some appearances she was making and let her go a short time later. Dorothy told Howard they had to get going to the airport so Joan wasn't going to hug him. Joan went over to him a short time later but then she ran out when he joked that he was going to feel how tight she was. They went to break after that.
Howard said he contacted Phil Donahue and he wanted them to do the show. Howard said he would only do it if Phil would put Pam on and talk about her story. Pam said that she was all set up to do that show. Howard was going to do the first half of the show and then Pam would be on and do the other half. He said he would make a short appearance with Pam and then he'll tell Phil that he has a meeting he has to go to and leave.
Howard heard that Pam hasn't worked in some time and she's living with her sister right now. Pam said that she's not sure of anyone has filed any lawsuits or anything. Howard didn't have all of the details about her flying into New York or anything like that. He told her he could book her at Scores if she wanted to work there.
Pam thanked Howard for helping her out with all of this stuff. He said that he really is a good guy and that's what he does. He told her that if the sales of his book fall off, she'll never hear from him again though.
Howard said that he's outraged that a woman was fired over the purchase of a book in 1994. He let her go a short time later so he could speak to George Takei.
Howard asked George about the way he enunciates his words and why that is. He said he never did it in Star Trek. George said that's because he was acting. He was Sulu in those shows so he was doing that character. Billy West continued to do his impression so George asked him to behave.
Howard told George that he's happy that he took on William Shatner in his book (To the Stars: The Autobiography of George Takei, Star Trek's Mr. Sulu). George said that he thinks that Shatner is a great actor and he did some great things on Star Trek. He said that you have to look at the whole man and not just that one part of his life.
Howard asked George if Shatner had sex with Uhura. George said they just kissed on the TV show. Howard talked about what he had read in his book and how Shatner was a pain in the ass on the set of the TV show. George said that Shatner has a wit and a smile that fools people. He said Shatner treated everyone the same on the set so it wasn't just him.
Howard asked George if he was Chinese as he was joking around about throwing stars. George corrected him and told him that he's Japanese. He talked about going to some Japanese language school when he was a child and how much he hated that.
George was talking about what a phony Shatner was when Howard asked him if he'd pull off his wig. George said that's a very expensive wig he wears. He talked about the many versions of the wig he had. Robin said that in the early TV shows Shatner had hardly any hair. Then he got curly hair in the TJ Hooker TV show and he has even more in the Star Trek movies.
George told Howard and Robin about the time he spent in the Japanese internment camps when he was a small child. He said that they were American citizens back then but just because they looked like the enemy, they were locked up in these camps. He said there were no trials or anything like that, they just came in with guns and shuffled them off to these camps. He said that they did get reparations in 1988. He gave that money to a charity for Japanese Americans.
Howard said that George had fun in those camps but he was only 4 years old at the time. Howard asked George why he wasn't there in the studio because they could have some real fun there. Billy West got back to doing his impression of George.
George talked about how much some of the other cast members on Star Trek disliked William Shatner. Gary came in and told Howard that he had a woman on the phone who was very angry at George. Howard took the call and the woman said that she thinks he's just jealous of Shatner and no one will buy his book. She said that she will not buy his book and she's had a crush on Shatner since she was a little girl.
George and the woman argued with each other for a short time and George let out his infamous ''Oh my!'' after she said that no one was guy to buy the book. Billy West, as George, mumbled under his breath ''Stupid bitch'' as she was getting off the phone. George asked him to behave after hearing that.
Howard let George go and had Billy West doing more of his impression. He had Billy doing an impression of George snoring and stuff like that. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Robin what was in the news. She had some OJ Simpson news so she started off with that. Howard was still doing his Shatner impression. Then Billy was doing his Shatner impression so Howard asked him to stick to his George Takei impression and not try to out-do him with his Shatner.
Howard was going nuts about the OJ case and how it should have taken 3 minutes for that whole case to be over with. He said the guy had blood in his vehicle and he came out of it so he had to be found guilty. That led to Billy West doing his OJ Simpson impression a little bit.
Robin did one story about a couple who were shot and robbed in Brooklyn. Howard talked about how the cops were diverting traffic into Harlem the other day when he was driving around and he saw woman out there who had no idea which way to go. He had to take another break during the news.
Howard took another break during the news and then came back to have Robin finish up her news. Fred was still throwing in the Jackie cackles during stories of rape and attacks on people. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 9:20am (Master Tape Theatre time).