Howard started off the show talking about staying up to watch the Survivor finale last night. He was tired because of that. He said he had to tape The Sopranos and hasn't seen it yet. Robin said it wasn't that good in her opinion. Howard said Ronnie told him that it was a great episode. Robin said that the only good part was Joey G on The Sopranos. She told Howard that Joey really kissed a guy on the show and he's apparently known the guy since they were kids.
Robin and Howard spent some time talking about the show. Artie said a few words and he was having problems with his voice so Howard figures that's because he had just shoved a Devil Dog down his throat and that's why it sounded odd. His voice cleared up a short time later so that must have been what it was.
The guys were trying to figure out how old Jimmy is. Gary figured he was over 40 but Artie said he thinks he's about his age or maybe a year younger. Gary said he has to be over 40. Gary said he got a note from Jimmy's people and they told him that he's the only late night talk show hots whose ratings have gone up this season.
Howard heard that Artie was eating a chicken sandwich in Scott the Engineer's studio before he came in this morning. Artie said he did and then he came in and had the Devil Dog for desert.
Howard noticed that he had a view of Benjy that he didn't want. He said he was all sweaty and pimples were popping out of his head. Benjy thought it was kind of hot this morning. He said he thinks that the wetness might be from his shower. Howard asked him if he dried off after getting out of the shower. Benjy said he was just in the shower like 15 minutes ago.
Howard spent a short time goofing on Benjy about the sweat. Artie said that Benjy sometimes wipes himself down with a piece of paper instead of a towel. Fred was handing Benjy a shirt that he left under the table. He also told Howard about some of the stuff that he had under his table. There was a picture of Jesus, some wine vinegar, contact lens cleaner, oxygen mask and a bunch of other weird shit.
Gary came in and said that he heard that Benjy joined the gym that's in the building. He also heard that he hasn't been there yet. Benjy said he has been there. Gary also goes there and Benjy said that was one of the selling points. Howard asked Artie if he's joined the gym. Artie laughed and said that he's got a gym in his building that he could use if he wanted to do stuff like that.
Howard said they tried to get the guy on the show but Gary had trouble tracking him down. Gary said he got in touch with the guy and told him they wanted to have him on the show. He got a call back on Thursday night and said that he was calling him back because he's a man. Gary said he didn't get that but Star said that he wasn't going to come on the air with them. Gary said the conversation was kind of odd. He said he repeated the line about being a man three times and he still didn't get it.
Howard said that he must be at war with them or something because in the paper today there are some comments from Star where he calls him ''Howard the Coward.'' He also claims that he's close to being the next Lenny Bruce. Howard thought that was pretty amusing and said that Lenny Bruce was a little more creative than this guy is. Lenny wasn't threatening to rape a 4 year old child.
Howard said he likes hearing stuff like that about other DJs who think that they're his caliber. Gary said that the whole reason Star called him back is because he doesn't want them to be able to call him a pussy for not calling them back. Artie said that if the guy was a man, he'd come on the air with them. Howard said that every one of these guys is driven nuts that he doesn't know who they are. He said that it used to drive Bubba the Love Sponge crazy when he would say he didn't know who he was. He said he really didn't know who he was though.
Howard said that Star's radio station must be yanking down his billboards now. He said that they must have done something with his picture to make him look thinner because the guy is actually a fat guy. He figures that they must do the same thing to him as they do with Oprah's pictures to make her look thinner.
Howard took a call form a guy who said that Star's billboards were taken down immediately after he was fired from his station. Howard said that K-Rock's billboards for David Lee Roth are still up and he's been gone for weeks now. Howard would love to get a billboard up of a black guy chasing a kid. He was also talking about putting up more and more billboards with Star's name on them. Even though the Star and Buc Wild show is gone, they could still advertise it.
Howard figures that Star will have to take a couple of years off like Opie and Anthony did after they were canned. He was also saying that it's a weird fantasy to be thinking about peeing and cumming on some kid's face like that guy did. He said it was an interesting story though and he liked seeing that the guy was fat when he saw him in the paper.
Artie said that he is an odd shaped fat guy. He described him as looking like and odd shaped apple. Howard noticed that Benjy was out of his sight. Benjy said that he lowered his chair and that got him out of his line of site.
Howard said that they were torturing the guy and they just kept going. Howard figures that Richard and Tracy were the only two watching that show.
Howard said that he went to his agent's roast on Saturday and it screwed up his whole weekend for him. He was asked to say a few words about his agent but he's not good at roasting people so he was going to just make a speech about him. He started to write stuff down about him on Thursday and tried to come up with some funny jokes about him. Fred and Richard helped him out and sent him some jokes for him.
Howard said that he wrote some stuff about his agent's beard being kind of gay and stuff like that. He called Beth with the jokes and she wasn't laughing. She figured he wouldn't have a sense of humor about the jokes and there was no reaction from her. Artie said that chicks don't dig mean jokes like he was telling her.
Artie wrote some stuff for Robin and she was afraid they weren't going to work but they did. Howard said that he was obsessing on the roast the whole weekend. He said that he eventually decided to not care and just wing it at the last second. Robin and Fred thought that Howard was brilliant but he didn't think he was.
Howard said that he was joking about how he wasn't able to get to his new house because he had to be at this party. He joked about Don's beard and about the hat that he wears all the time. He was also going to read his client list and joke about that. He said he could have joked about him managing Hulk Hogan, now that he's out of wrestling.
Howard said that he was relating his career to the stuff that Don was doing while he was busy working. He ended up talking about what a great guy Don really is. Jay Thomas was the host of the show and he did a great job according to Howard and Robin. Howard said that he's much more comfortable talking on the radio than he is in front of a crowd. He and Robin said that Artie is great at stuff like that so they said some nice words about him.
Howard said that Jay was ripping on him saying that he thinks that Don is a great guy but if he stops making the money he's making, he'll never get in touch with him again. Howard said that Jay was really funny busting on him about various stuff.
Howard thought that Mel Karmazin was even funnier than he was. He said he hates that Mel is funny like that. Robin told Howard that Mel was funny but he was on par with him that night.
Ronnie came in and said he was getting reports from Mike who wasn't sure if Howard was going to go or not. Howard said he decided to go at around 8:15 and planned on having a drink or two. He went down there and had about 7 hot girls sit at the table with them. Lonnie had the girls coming over and hanging out with them.
He said that Ronnie was telling him that wine puts him to sleep so Howard ended up changing his drink to vodka and club soda. He said he had about 5 shots of that and it put him under the table. He said he had a horrible headache the next day because of the drinks. He had the best time there though. He said he was there until about 11 o'clock. Those five drinks went down in about an hour.
Howard said that his plan was to get drunk on Saturday night but he ended up doing that on Friday. He said he went to Nobu on Saturday night and just wanted to go home. He was going to go to Bungalow 8 but figured it was best not to go since he's not single.
Artie said he took his mother to Nobu for the first time and she loved the place. He also took his mother out to see ''Jersey Boys'' and said he had a great time there. Howard said he saw Dennis Rodman at Nobu on Saturday night as well.
Gary was at Nobu and there was a table of really hot chicks sitting nearby. Howard said that the chicks were so hot and Gary was getting annoyed because he was so distracted by the girls. Howard said he was enjoying what he was seeing and wanted Gary to shut up for a minute. He said he told Gary to just turn around and look at them but Gary wouldn't stop talking. Gary said that he didn't think that all of the guys at the table were looking at the girls but Howard figured they were. Howard said that if Gary were a man, he would have checked the chicks out and shut up.
Howard said that he ended up having a conversation with Rosie O'Donnel at Nobu the other night and Richie Notar was telling everyone about it. Artie heard about it already so Howard went off on Richie about that. Howard said Richie has to stop with that, it's really gay to do that to someone.
Howard said that Rosie tried to buy him dinner but Richie bought it for him. He said he was telling Rosie he's a fan of what she's been doing these days and they had a very nice conversation. He was glad he got a chance to talk to her finally. He's changed his tune on her over the past few years. He likes her blog and her honesty these days. He also said he admires her for leaving her show on her own terms.
Howard said that Richie was really good to him that night and he really is one of his best friends so it was no big deal when he went around telling everyone about that story. He figures that's his payback for buying him dinner.
Howard got back to the hot chicks that he was talking about with Gary. Howard said that Gary just wouldn't leave him alone. Gary ended up telling Howard how he got the call to go out to dinner that night and how more and more people ended up going out. He thought it was going to be two other couples but it ended up being about 12 people.
Howard asked Gary how he split the bill that night. Gary said that the bill was going to be split 5 ways but there were some splits on the tip and things like that. He said he got a $100 gift certificate from Sal for Christmas and pulled that out to help pay for dinner. He got mocked for pulling that out. Howard cut Gary off and said he was bored with the story. He said he was just kidding but he continued to talk about what he wanted to talk about.
Howard said he was out at his agent's roast on Saturday night and he was talking to Fred's wife Alison and had a nice conversation with her. He said that he talked to Mel Karmazin, Dan Clores and a few other people. Then Scott Greenstein from SIRIUS came up to him and tried to talk to him. Howard said he talks to people in half sentences. He said that Scott was talking to him about doing ''something big'' and doing a planning session with him. He wanted to know what the next big thing was. This was all happening before he had gone up to do the roast. He was already stressing out over that and Scott is asking him to do something big.
Howard said that Scott came up later and did the same thing to him. He caught him in a work conversation while he was out at a party. Howard said that Scott speaks really fast and really intensely so it was driving him nuts. He said the guy was on fire and he just wanted to talk to someone about business. He said that Scott will probably hate him now that he's brought that up... but he really does love the guy as far as business goes. He didn't want to discuss that stuff at a party.
Artie said that he has a perfect relationship with the guy because he's not important enough to have a discussion with. Scott has no meeting plans with Artie. Robin said that he's asked her to go to lunch but it didn't sound like she was that interested in doing that.
Howard said there was a guy they used to work with at WWOR and they would run really crazy ideas past him and he would agree to let them do them until they thought about it for a while. Artie said he used to pull stuff like that at MAD TV. He threw in a joke about doing ''Ed McMahon Walking'' as a parody of ''Dead Man Walking'' and they actually did it a week later. He was just joking around but they stuck him with that bit anyway. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Jimmy Kimmel come in after the Riley Martin think. He wasn't even sure why Jimmy was in town. Artie figured he was there for the ABC up fronts. Jimmy said that the studio was nice, it didn't have any strange smells or jizz on the walls yet.
Howard told Jimmy about some of the crazy stuff they've done in there already like Rappin' Granny on the Sybian. He quickly played a clip of that segment after that. He told Jimmy that he was sitting on her 80-some year old fluids there on the couch. Howard also replayed some of the Riley Martin song parody. He also played some other audio clips that they've been playing lately.
Howard said that he was telling people that Jimmy's ratings are up but he heard that he's not beating that guy Craig Ferguson. Jimmy said that they are beating him though. Howard told him that he was thinking of becoming Craig's friend if his ratings were higher.
Jimmy said that he has to do this ABC up-fronts thing so that's why he's in town. He has to prepare for them and that's what he and Howard were talking about at lunch yesterday. Howard said that he was telling Jimmy about how horrible he was at his agent's roast but Robin said that he really wasn't bad.
Howard said he was going to have Jimmy up to his apartment to watch the OJ Simpson video that he got his hands on. Then he figured he wouldn't be able to get rid of Jimmy so he didn't have him up. Jimmy said he wasn't expecting Howard to invite him up to his apartment even though he walked him back to his apartment.
Howard decided to watch some movies on Sunday afternoon and each one was worse than the other. The first one was a vampire movie that was unwatchable. It had no plot and it was just bad. He also rented something called ''Pride and Prejudice'' which he bailed out on after 5 minutes. He thought the description of the movie sounded good. Then he rented another movie about this guy who falls for Amy Smart and he was so annoyed by the movie that he had to turn it off. He liked the description of the movie but it was just bad.
Howard decided to rent Doom to get his mind off the rest of the stuff. He said that the movie was so dark that you couldn't see anything on the screen. He said that one was horrible as well. He ended up calling Beth out in California and she was telling him about all of the guys who were following her and hitting on her out there.
Jimmy told Howard he had a great time talking to him at lunch yesterday. They talked about Adam Carolla for a good hour. Jimmy said that Adam doesn't care about anything and he just does anything. Jimmy said that Adam loves Howard even more than ever since he got the gig to replace him in a few markets out on the West Coast.
Howard said he rented a porn movie with Gina Lynn in it. He said that she was really hot and he feels more of a connection with her since she was on the show recently. He was talking about the other chick in the movie and how she had some huge titties. He said he was beating off to that movie and he didn't really finish, but he was done. It was like he was going to have an orgasm but nothing came out. Jimmy said he's had that happen to him but Howard's well was probably dry because Beth has been out of town.
Howard said that Beth asked him if he had beat off so he was honest with her and said that he had. She claims that she hasn't been masturbating since she met him. She's satisfied plenty with Howard. Howard asked Jimmy if he's still doing good with Sarah Silverman. He said things are going good for them.
Richard's girlfriend is a former intern from the show but he didn't meet her while he was working there. She was friends with Jason and Will and that's how he met her. Richard said that she really doesn't want to be talked about on the air so that's why things have been kept quiet.
Richard said that the intern actually won the Intern Beauty Pageant when she was there. He said she's from Pennsylvania and they are boyfriend and girlfriend right now. He said he's in love with her and he's even told his parents about her. That led to the guys goofing on Richard about taking her home to meet his parents and what that might be like. Artie said he was afraid that Richard was gay because he was always grabbing guys asses and doing gay stuff.
Howard got a picture of Richard's girlfriend and it turns out it was one of Robin's interns. Her picture got passed around and Jimmy said ''Thus begins the ending of their relationship...'' Richard was actually in the studio to talk about Gina Lynn but he didn't get to talk much about that before Howard let him go.
Jimmy said that they taped a show that's going to air tonight. He said that they pulled a prank on the audience when they had a fake snake bite him and rushed him to the hospital. Howard said that they actually worked that in with ''Grey's Anatomy'' so Jimmy will be appearing on that show.
Andrea said that she has been taking acting classes and will be in some low budget horror films. She told Howard she wants to go on tour with SIRIUS and get people to sign up. She said that she would go out for a month or so and do signing's and give away free posters and stuff. Howard said he'd see what they could do about that. She didn't seem to be paying attention to anything they were saying to her though. Howard put her on hold and told Gary to take care of that.
Howard got Andrea back on the phone and asked her if she would shower with the fans to help sell the radios. She said she would be willing to do that. She also said that she has a boyfriend who is a lawyer before Howard put her back on hold.
Howard said they were discussing having a new Miss Howard Stern Pageant but Miss Howard Stern may not be too happy about that. Howard read that Jimmy was going to be on the Bob Dylan show on XM but Jimmy said that someone just took clips from his show and spliced them in to make it sound like he was being interviewed by Bob Dylan. That led to Howard talking about how Oprah Winfrey is only going to be doing a half hour a week when she's on XM.
Howard was going to have High Pitch Eric in to jerk off to Jimmy because he's a huge fan of his. It turns out that Eric couldn't come in because he's on a family vacation. That was a pretty big surprise to most of the guys. Howard also mentioned that Axl Rose got a good review from some guy whose last name was close to ''aqualung'' so that led to Fred playing the ''Aqualung'' guitar riff that the guys were screwing around with a couple of weeks ago. They got into that for a couple of minutes but Howard didn't want to get into it too much because they'd be there all day doing that.
Howard read the article about Axl's show and how he showed up late to the gig. He said that Axl is pretty much washed up by this point and it's really obnoxious that he shows up late to gigs like that. It wasn't just a short time either, he was hours late.
Howard had Lisa G give her Howard 100 News preview. She said that they have an interview with Soupy Sales that they'll be playing on Howard 100 News today. They'll also be talking about the Erotic Exotic Ball and how they want to give Howard an award. Howard said that it's obvious that they want him there so they can sell more than 3 tickets. Lisa said that they'll also be premiering ''Inside the Porn Actors Studio'' on Howard 101 at 7pm tonight. Howard said he heard that show is very good and it's hosted by Richard Christy.
Lisa said that Jason and Will are back with another edition of Page 69. They're also revealing a new format for Howard 100 News. The news will not have a block of news, they're going to be doing bulletins every hour or so, 24 hours a day. The Howard Stern Show replay will be uninterrupted and the Wrap Up Show won't be interrupted too much anymore.
Howard said he thinks the new format will work because the hour long news was just going too long and they had to stretch stories out a bit. Jimmy said they should be ashamed that they even call it news. He also congratulated them on their demotions. Artie told Howard it was a good move because he was sick of the fuckin' news anyway. He said he was just kidding though.
Gary told Howard about how great the bar is over at Jimmy's show. Jimmy said he never goes down to see the bar, he's got his own bar up in his dressing room. Gary told Howard that there are tons of hot chicks at that bar so they talked about that a bit. The guests on the show go to the bar and it's a fun hang over there. Artie is going out there this week and he's looking forward to go trolling for chicks out there. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard heard that Artie has been getting a lot of phone calls from Andrew Dice Clay who has been leaving messages for him. Dice just keeps going on and on and on. Artie said that Don Jamieson gave Dice his number but he did ask if it was okay before he did that.
Howard had clips from Dice's messages so he played some of those. In one clip Dice tells Artie he's an idiot for sending Dana a 5 page love letter. He said he should be filling the Hudson up with his loads. Dice left another message where he goes off on himself for leaving messages for Artie while he's got his own problems. In another message Dice tells Artie to go ahead and use the messages on the show if he wants. Artie said he was laughing his ass off listening to the messages. He said it might be different when you're live on the phone with him.
Howard said he used to go through those kinds of calls with Dice when he was close with him and he used to have to hang up on him. Howard was amazed that Artie was able to get the messages because he's so bad with technology. Artie said it's a simple voice mail. Gary told Howard that the one call he was playing was about seven and a half minutes long. Howard was only playing a couple of minutes of it.
Howard said that the studio is a mess and it's too busy. Scott DePace said that he and Doug both like it and it looks good on TV. It's not quite done right now so they have to wait for it to be finished. Doug told Howard they'll give it a try and if he doesn't like it, they'll go back to the old style. DePace said they won't go back to the old stuff, they'll just change it again.
Howard said that he's kind of glad that ''Poseidon'' didn't do very well at the box office this weekend. That led to everyone talking about the original version of the movie. Artie was reciting lines from that movie and goofing on it for a while. Artie knew the movie really well and said that he and his friend rent it once in a while and laugh their asses off for four hours.
Artie said there's another movie called ''Beyond the Poseidon Adventure'' and it's another really funny movie. He said that Adrian Barbeau is in the movie and it was at a time when her tits were in their prime. Howard asked Jimmy if he memorizes movies like Artie does. Jimmy said that he does have a couple of movies that he has memorized.
Howard asked the guys what they thought about this story of a model who did a photo shoot for a Victoria's Secret catalog but the pictures got sold to Maxim magazine and now she's pissed and wants to sue over it. Some of the guys thought that was wrong but others thought it didn't matter because she probably signed a contract that allowed the photographer to sell them to whoever he wanted to.
Howard said that Jimmy isn't a fat guy even though he seems to look fat when he's on TV. Jimmy said that people come up to him all the time and tell him he looks like he's lost weight when they see him but he claims he's weighed the same for the past 6 years.
Howard read some mail about the bulldog that he was trying to save recently. People are pissed that he got involved in trying to save a dog just because he thought that the bulldog might be mellow like his own dog. That led to Howard talking about the outcome of that story. He said that this woman wanted to test the dog out to see if it could have been involved in the mauling of a 4 year old child. Howard said that an eyewitness has come forward and said that the bulldog just sat there while the two rottweilers attacked the kid. If the dog is innocent, Howard said that they should let it live.
Howard read some mail about last week's Friday Show and some people enjoyed hearing the old WNBC tapes and stuff like that. A bunch of people actually liked the old stuff they were playing from those days.
Sal came in and told Howard that people are twisting stories around there and he doesn't dislike the show. He said when he first started watching the show he didn't like it. Then he watched it with his kid and the they both laughed together.
Howard interrupted Sal and told him he doesn't want him fraternizing with the guests anymore. Sal said he wasn't. Howard explained to him that they have to keep him away from everyone because he has no business being around the guests. He said they may have to make him work at home like Dan the Song Parody Man does.
Gary said that Sal was out in the hall dancing around in his big lipped monkey mask and doing a show for people out there. Howard told Sal to stop messing around with the guests or he will be home with his kids working out of his house. Sal said that he'd kill himself if he had to do that.
Sal was trying to defend himself but Howard told him that the green room is his and he doesn't want Sal out there telling people his opinions. Sal said that he and Richard were trying to get Gary to listen to some stuff and he ended up closing the door and ignored him so he started jumping around in his monkey mask. Gary told Sal that it's none of his business.
Howard asked Artie if he has to go to the premiere of his movie. He's afraid he's not going to like the movie and he doesn't want to bash it on the air. Artie said that he'd be fine if Howard didn't go because it would take some pressure off of him. He said that he doesn't think it's Howard's cup of tea anyway.
Howard asked the guys what they think is the correct term is for someone who is good at playing cards... Card Shark or Card Sharp. He told the guy that he read in a reputable paper that it's actually ''card sharp'' not card shark like most people think.
The caller told Howard that he liked the rejected bit that they played from Richard and Sal. He was also liking the Wendy the Retard stuff they were playing. Howard thought that the Sal and Richard bit sucked but people seemed to like it. Gary said that they have the clip up to play if Howard wanted to play it. Howard didn't think that it was a cool bit at all but he played it to let Jimmy decide on it. In the clip Sal and Richard are ''Jack and Rod'' interviewing a woman with an Easter Bunny by the name of Andy Dice Cottontail sitting in and goofing on the woman.
Everyone was laughing during the bit so Howard may have been wrong for rejecting the bit. Howard said he thought it was just mean and not funny but Robin thought it was funny. So did Jimmy. Howard said that's why they need the Friday Show, so they can play the rejected bits.
The caller asked Jimmy how he can get into the bar at Jimmy's show. Jimmy said that audience members aren't usually allowed there but he agreed to let this guy come down and watch Artie do his thing on Friday night.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who thanked Jimmy for a bit they did on the show because they showed his son, who is over in Iraq. He said that he hadn't seen his son in a really long time so it was great to see him on TV. Jimmy said they do that once in a while and hook up with the troops over there.
Howard said he thought about going over to Iraq to entertain the troops but then realized how nuts that would be. His agent thought it was a great idea until he asked him to come along with him.
Howard took a call from another guy who offered to do some web site work for free. He said that he'd be willing to work one day a week for free. The guy also asked if he could get in on the Artie roast but Howard told him to stick to the web site thing and put him on hold. Jimmy asked if he could come out and roast Artie. Howard said that would be great if he can get the night off to do it. Jimmy said he'd see if he could do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who started to tell a story that was boring from the start so Fred started playing snoring sounds and Howard eventually bailed out on the call after goofing on the guy for a couple of minutes. The guy just kept going with his story even though they were goofing on him.
Another caller brought up the fact that Howard was talking about David Spade's article for Time magazine and how he wanted to have Jimmy write it instead. Howard said that Spade left him a serious message and he sounded kind of pissed off. He said that he called David back and told him that what his friends were telling him wasn't quite right and he was doing a funny radio show talking about how he could get a real fan of the show to write it.
Gary came in and distracted Howard while he was telling the story. Howard got pissed at Gary because he wasn't telling him anything, he was just walking in and out of the studio. Gary said he had something that he wanted to bring up but not on the air. Gary said that Jim Belushi was there but that wasn't what he was coming in about.
Howard went on with the David Spade thing and talked about how he told David that he was just joking around on the air and he shouldn't take it so personally. He said he's a big fan of David's and he would never bad mouth his TV show like Spade thought he did.
Howard said that he said that he hasn't heard back from David since leaving the message. He's not sure if David is that pissed at him or not.
Jimmy told the guys that he remembers getting a tape from his uncle back in about 1983 of Howard's show and he remembers just how funny it was and how that got him involved in radio. That's what he would have put in the article if he had written it for Time magazine. He said he knows how David must feel after writing the article and hearing it from Howard. Jimmy said he will even write one of those things for Time and send it in. He thought that David did a good job with his article but he figures he doesn't even listen to the show all that much because he's a stand-up comic. He gave David a grade of a B for the assignment. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had the guys bring in Jim Belushi who was waiting to come in. Howard said that Artie's idol is John Belushi and wondered if he had ever met Jim. Artie had met him back at K-Rock and even back when he was doing the Norm Show at ABC.
Jim came in and talked about how he and Howard ran together one time. He said he went on to run for 20 miles that day. Howard told Jim about how Artie has a picture of John that he keeps on his wall. They were also talking about how Artie has started to look like John these days. Artie said he can't help that but he will be trying to lose some weight. Jim told Artie he's nothing like John because he'd have to die at 33 to be like him. Artie is already 38.
Jim said that his brother did the National Lampoon Radio Hour and that was some great stuff. Artie said that he knows a lot of stuff about John and Jim may not even know the answers to the questions. Howard asked Artie what the name of John's character was in the movie ''1941.'' Artie thought about it for a few seconds and couldn't think of it. Jim said that Steven Spielberg wanted John to scratch his balls in the movie at one point but John refused so they actually brought in a ''balls double'' to do the scene and it really pissed John off. Howard said that his name in the movie was ''Wild Bill Kelso.''
Howard had another question and asked where Animal House was filmed. Artie said it was Oregon and it was at the University of Oregon. Howard bailed out on that whole thing and brought up the story that Jim told the last time he was on the show. He talked about his neighbor Julie Newmar giving him a hard time about something he was doing in his yard so he had to sue her. Howard said he knows that must be really tough to sue your neighbor. That led to Jim talking about how his show ''According to Jim'' is now in it's 6th season and they're syndicated now so he's doing very well now.
Howard asked Jim if he's making some good money on that show. Gary told Howard he heard that he's getting half a million per episode for that show. Jim said he's doing very well and can do just about anything he wants. Howard talked to him about his two divorces and about the money he's had to give up each time. Jim said that he wasn't making much money in the first divorce and in the second one he had a pre-nup so he didn't get screwed. He said that the third wife won't divorce him because things are going so well.
Jim said that he and Julie eventually made up and she actually did his show. He said he went to her one time and told her that he wanted to make up with her and wanted a neighbor he could care about. He said that she turned out to be the nicest woman ever once he went to her. Howard wondered what started the whole thing. Jim said that the story was just too long. He and Julie went through a mediation thing and settled things so everything is good now. Jim said that she's so nice to his family now and they're getting along just fine.
Howard said that Jim seems to fight with a lot of people. Jim almost came to blows with Howard one time. They didn't get into details of that though. Jimmy said that Jim once got into it with Mr. T on his show one time and it looked like he wanted to beat him up.
Howard asked Jim if he's gotten into real fights with people. Jim said he's doing some boxing and he loves watching the Ultimate Fighting stuff. Howard said he likes that stuff too but he can't fight himself.
Howard moved on to give Jim a plug for his book ''Real Men Don't Apologize.'' He asked him what the book is about. Jim said that he gives some relationship advice and talks about how guys shouldn't apologize in their relationships.
Gary came in and said that he read that Jim advises guys to try and hold out during sex because the woman will work really hard the next time to make a guy cum. Jim said that was taken out of context and explained what he was talking about. He said it gives guys a sense of power when you can hold out. Howard said that his girlfriend actually checks his rubber after he finishes to see how much of a load he leaves.
Gary had some more advice from Jim's book. He said that Jim gives some advice about getting oral sex advice from a lesbian to use it on a woman. Jim said that those things were being taken from the sex part of the book. Jim was telling the guys to use the bottom part of their tongue on a woman because the texture is different underneath. He said it takes half the time and half the work to get a woman off doing it that way.
Gary said he had another bit of advice from the book where he suggests that guys always put a lock on their bathroom door to keep their wives from finding them masturbating. Jim said that wasn't in the book but Gary swore that it came from the book. Jim said he didn't write that part. Howard said that some guys have come on the show and didn't know what was in their books.
Jim told Howard that the start of the book is about how he had to move on with his life after John died. That led to the guys talking about John's death a little bit. Jim said that he's not even drinking that much these days because he's got kids in the house and he gets annoyed when he's hung over.
Howard had a guy there at the studio claiming to be Jim's illegitimate kid but Jim said he didn't want to give the guy the time on the air so Howard dropped it.
Howard gave Jim another plug for his book and said that he'll be signing copies at a couple of book stores in New York City and New Jersey today. Jimmy asked him if he will demonstrate the oral sex move for the people who come to see him. Jim said he will demonstrate that for them. He was also talking about how his agent came up with the idea to write the book. Howard wished him luck with the book after that.
Howard said that there were two people in the studio other than Jim and they were his cousins Paul and Parker. He wasn't able to find the microphones so he didn't bother talking to them. He said he felt very unprofessional today. Jim said he likes the new studio and he likes SIRIUS and actually did some Blues Brothers stuff to help them launch the service years ago.
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who asked Jim if he's ever gotten a hard on while working with the chicks on his TV show. Jim said he's never been with any of the women he works with because it's a bad idea. He said he loves those girls like sisters and he wouldn't do stuff like that. Mike said that they used to show Courtney wearing really tight sweaters and you could see nip. Jim said that ABC came down on them and made them stop so no one will see nip on her anymore. Jim said that they make Courtney wear more padded bras now. Jim isn't sure whose order that was.
Artie asked Jim about this book ''Belushi'' that's out and Jim said he thinks it's a great book. He said that the book shows how his brother fought for the stuff he did and how intense he was about his craft. Artie asked him if he had trouble with Michael Eisner like his brother did. Jim said he got along with him and his brother was always battling with everyone he worked for so that was just the way things were with him.
Howard took another call from a woman who asked if Jim has used his technique on a lesbian. Jim said that lesbians don't want him down there so he's never tried that. Another caller talked to Jim about a movie he worked on with him called ''Thief.''
Howard hung up on him and moved on to another caller. That caller claims that Jim walked out of his house half naked one time and chased him away. Jim said this is a drunk asshole who was coming on his yard. He said that he thought there was an animal out there and he ran out naked to chase the guy away. Jim claims that the guy was trying to bang some chicks on his yard. He also said that the guy was caught the week before trying to sneak onto the beach and he tried again.
Howard said it must have been quite a site to see Jim naked out there. Jim said he's got two German shepherds and he had to take care of things. He's got a family to take care of. He said that the dogs kept the guy at bay and he had the guy arrested. The caller said that the judge said that they should have pressed charges against Jim because there was no reason to have the dogs cornering them. Jim said that's bull shit and the guy is just a drunk. Howard gave Jim another few plugs and then went to break a short time later.
Artie said that the news department is already bugging him about the comments Howard made about his movie earlier in the morning.
Howard read that President Bush has announced a press conference that's going to interrupt TV tonight and the networks are freaking out. All of their season finales and big hit shows are getting interrupted. Howard spent a minute talking about that.
Howard had an audio clip of a pitcher who was interviewed while he was drunk and made a bit of a fool out of himself. He played the clip and the guy sounded really mellow, and almost asleep as he as being interviewed. The reporter kept the interview going even though the guy was so out of it. Howard figured it had to be more than alcohol that the guy was on.
Howard said it's a good thing he wasn't interviewed after going to Scores on Friday night. That led to Howard talking about how they should all get drunk whenever they do the roast for Artie. They haven't found a venue for that event yet but Howard wants to do a drinking show. Jimmy talked about how his first show was a drinking show but they didn't plan it that way. They had an audience member drink and vomit in the crowd. That ruined things for the show because they banned drinking there from then on.
Howard said that he remembers his cousin taking him on a car ride one night and he turned out his headlights and made a weird left turn and said that they were either going to die or get through this thing. They lucked out and didn't crash. Paul didn't even remember that happening. Howard also said that he remembers smoking weed with Paul and that his mother smelled it on his cousin but not on him.
Paul told Howard that he started a charity where they do work down in Nicaragua. He talked about that for a short time and got in a plug for his web site ParadiseWithAPurpose.org. He has some old Private Parts mugs to give away for the first 5 people to donate $300 to the charity. Howard said that he'd even sign the mugs for him.
Howard mentioned that Paul's son Parker is a piano genius too. He mentioned his band on the show before. Parker told Howard he just landed a job composing some music for an independent film. Paul said that Parker was amazing right from the start so he should consider himself a child prodigy.
Howard asked Parker if he's gotten laid from being his cousin. Parker said he's never used that line with the women. Paul got in a plug for his web site ParkerJazz.com as well. Howard told Parker he should get out of Jazz and get into something more rocking. Paul told Howard that Parker is into some pretty wild Jazz stuff though and he does great with that. Howard still told him he should rock up a bit instead. Paul said it is kind of weird that he likes Rock and his son is into Jazz. It's like some kind of weird role reversal. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard spent a short time talking to his cousin Paul about their fathers. Paul was saying that his father was an asshole and he really wasn't that nice. Howard didn't know he felt that way about the guy. He didn't think he was a very loving guy. Paul's son said that he thinks that his father is a loving guy though so he didn't take after his own father.
Jon Hein came in and gave Howard a quick rundown of what they had coming up on The Wrap Up Show today. That led to Howard talking about how they wanted to do a whole bit with Benjy in a wheelchair for Jim Belushi's illegitimate son but that fell apart. They'll also be talking about Howard not wanting to go see Artie's movie. They'll also be talking to a guy from Survivor who creates the challenges for the show.
Gary came in and told Howard that Richard's ''Inside the Porn Actors Studio'' will also be on tonight. He said he heard it and it was very good. It was Hillary Sky that Richard interviews, not Shy Love as they mentioned a few times this morning. Howard played a clip from that show which airs tonight on Howard 101. In the clip you hear Richard asking the questions as if they're serious about getting ass fisted and Hillary explains herself as if it was serious. Howard congratulated Richard on that and got in another plug for that show. He also thanked Jon for coming in and then had Robin finish up her news. They ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard brought up the season finale of ''Survivor'' and mentioned that the reunion show had a part where one of the guys was asked how he was going to handle winning the money. Howard thought about that and said that he would give them an F-you and tell them that he was going to pocket that money and spend it the way he wants. That led to the guys talking about the first season winner who didn't pay his taxes because he thought that CBS was going to pay them. Howard said that guy is a douche for offering up a defense like that.
Artie asked if any of the other winners have gone on to show that they could spend that money responsibly. Howard said that no one ha. Gary said that one of the guys, Ethan, showed that he could spend the money wisely. Gary was also saying that they had a guy who works on Survivor on The Wrap Up Show who said that Richard Hatch walking around naked looked like he had a mushroom dick and people would be surprised to see him if they could.
Howard spent some time talking about his cousin Paul who was in yesterday. His son was also there and Artie was saying that kid has a look on his face like he's getting laid already and knows more about sex than they do. Howard said the kid probably does and the reason he was there in the city was because he was there to see a chick who he met out walking around one day.
Gary said that there's days when he sees his kids get on the bus, when he has a day off, and it's a huge relief because he knows he has a whole day to himself. Howard said that his cousin's son was home schooled but he seems to have turned out just fine. Sometimes you see a kid who was home schooled and you think that something is wrong there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was watching Jimmy Kimmel last night and saw him get bit by a snake. Howard thanked the guy for reporting that and then broke the news to him that it was a joke. The guy said that he knew that and said he was just trying to keep the joke going. Howard wondered why the guy was pulling that on him since Jimmy told them about it when he was on the show yesterday.
Howard said that the president's speech screwed up his TV watching last night. He said he was trying to watch ''How I Met Your Mother'' but the schedule got all screwed up because of the President's speech. That means that Gary missed it as well. He said he hates when that kind of thing happens with the schedule.
Howard and Artie talked about that for a short time and Artie thought that they were getting to the bottom of nothing by talking about it. Howard seemed to want Artie to admit to something that he didn't want to but Artie swears that's not the case. Artie was saying that he can't watch someone getting killed either so it's not just watching a couple of gay guys making out that creeps him out. Gary said that the part of that scene that makes him squeamish was when Johnny Cakes rolls the other guy over.
Howard asked why Britney Spears can't put her kid in a car seat the right way. He just saw a picture of her putting the kid in the seat backwards. The kid was turned around with it's head all out of place. He also said that she's looking horrible these days and she used to be so hot. That led to the guys talking about how Shelly Winters used to be hot and she turned out to be a mess eventually.
Howard read that Richie Sambora has called off his romance with Denise Richards. They apparently put out a press release about it. Richie is saying that he thought about his ex-wife Heather Locklear and their daughter and decided that he didn't want to keep the relationship going with Denise. Howard quickly went over that and then brought up the President's speech from last night.
Howard said that he feels like banging her over the head and dragging her into his cave when he sees her. He said that he would give out the web site address after they checked her out a little bit. Howard said he gets cuckoo when he sees a feminine girl like that. He said she's got quite a body on her and he would suck her asshole clean if he could get her. He said he knows he sounds like Pat O'Brien when he talks about her. He said that the site he was checking out was abum.com. Richie said they have some great stuff on there. Howard said he can't imagine getting tired of that ass.
Howard said that Beth is still out in California shooting some stuff for G4. He saw some video of her on one of the G4 shows out there and she looked really good. He misses her and she was telling him that she really misses him as well and she can't wait to come home. She still has to fly home to Memphis though. Robin said that this is why she could never have done the Dancing with the Stars thing because Howard would have missed her too much.
Howard took a call from a guy but interrupted him and told a story about Beth going out to dinner out in California. She ended up getting a whole pitcher of beer spilled on her. Then they gave her the bill and didn't deduct anything from it at all. He said that the place was a Sushi place and he has to find out the name of it so he can talk about it. He said that Beth didn't say anything to the waiter so one of her friends did and the waiter belligerently asked if they were looking for some kind of discount.
Howard said that she's so nice that she won't say anything to anyone or complain. Howard asked her to put the waiter on the phone so he can yell at the guy himself. He's going to find out the name of the restaurant and publicize it.
Howard and Robin talked about the roast they went to for their agent Don Buchwald. Howard was saying that he used to have a couple of lawyers that handled him until Don took over. He said that all of these guys he was working with had agents so he figured he had to get one himself. He met three people like Richard Liebner and that guy pawned him off to some underling. He didn't want that so he went to see another guy who was handling Imus at the time. His name was Michael something. The guy was really nice and took him on a walk around the block. When he told the guy that he was better than Imus, the guy got pissed and said that he doesn't way that kind of thing to him.
Howard eventually went to meet with Don Buchwald who said that he should be making double what he was making at the time. He was going to go into NBC and have them rip up his contract and start over again. He said that Don made that happen and he couldn't believe it. Don used to tell him that he had to call him when he would make deals and he actually signed a TV deal with someone without telling him one time. Don called the guy and the guy agreed to change things around but then the guy died so it was never an issue. He said the guy was a really nice guy and he wasn't all that old but he died from cancer.
Howard, Fred and Robin talked about the way they got screwed around before they moved to New York and how things got kind of screwed up in their careers. Howard said that was just a weird time back then.
Howard had a caller on the line who asked Howard if he wanted him to ''take care'' of the restaurant that Beth went to. Howard didn't want him doing anything illegal. The guy said he could write an article or something about what happened if he wanted to. That's what he was talking about when he said ''taking care'' of the problem. The guy, King of all Japs, said that he likes the new News format that they have on Howard 100 now. Robin asked how the work schedules changed. Howard said that Liz Aiello has all of that under control and they haven't fired anyone as far as he knows.
Robin thinks that Bubba is really upset that Howard got a hold of the tape but Howard thinks that Bubba isn't really upset and he never would have let Brent release it to them if he didn't want them to hear it. Howard played the song he had and goofed on that for a short time.
Howard also played tape of Bubba going off on Brent for giving the tape to Gary before he even asked him about it. Howard said he heard Bubba going off on Brent and saying that he gets paid by the Bubba the Love Sponge Radio Network and thought that was pretty funny. He played more of Bubba's rap song and Robin said that they have to be getting Punk'd with that song.
Howard played more of Bubba talking about how he was going to get fucked on that deal if they actually played the tape on the air. Howard went back and forth between that and the rap song.
Howard said that Zolar farted on the Superfan Roundtable the other night so he played a clip of that. It was pretty gross and Howard said it wasn't cool. Artie said that was in Mike Walker's league. He was sitting right next to a hot chick when he did it too.
Howard played the ''My Name Is... Riley Martin'' song parody and goofed on Riley a bit. He was trying to learn the lines that Riley says he learned from the aliens when he met them.
Bobo called in and asked Artie why he said that he was weird looking when he saw him. Artie told him that his fake hair looks odd. Artie said that he's a friend just telling him the truth. Howard said that it's like going around wearing a hat. Bobo said that it becomes something that you don't even notice after wearing it for a while. Bobo said that it's real hair that has holes in it so the water can run through it.
Howard was curious about the maintenance of the hair so he asked him about that. He also said that he'd be really insecure about losing his hair but he can't imagine wearing a wig. Bobo said that people think he's in his 40's and it does make him look younger. Howard thanked him for calling in and took a break a short time later.
Gary said that the guy claims that Dice owes him money because he bought him an Escalade or something like that. Howard said that Beth gets hooked into that stuff pretty easily and none if it is actually important.
Robin said that one of the stories was about High Pitch Eric asking for some money at a comedy show and he never paid the guy back. Lisa got back to her preview and said they'll be talking about the Indecency Bill that's being voted on soon. Howard said he's behind that bill now and he's going to back it 100 percent. He said that the bill is a straight ahead $330,000 fine for any station out there that offends someone.
Howard read an article about the bill and also brought up the comments that Frank Zappa was making back in 1984 about the government going way out of their way to fine people. Howard played the clip of Zappa talking about what the FCC was really put into place for and it had nothing to do with fining stations for language.
Howard got back to the article about the indecency bill which is being backed by Senator Brownback. He read that the fines will be bumped up to $325,000 from $27,000. They're leaving violence out of the bill and only talking about sex talk and things like that. Howard said that now that he's off of Terrestrial radio, he's loving this bill. All of the companies out there who have no spine to stand up to the government will get screwed when this bill is passed. That will send even more people to satellite radio so it's the best thing ever. Howard said that people should be allowed to say the S-word on regular radio.
Lisa said they have a story about this new thing for women called PT141 that's a sexual enhancer. It gets sprayed up the nose but Howard thought it was to spray on ''the lips.'' Lisa said that she would not try it and neither would Robin. Howard said he wouldn't even try Viagra because things work just fine down there. He mentioned that Bubba is using Cialis to get himself going though. He uses those for sex and Ambien for sleep. He apparently loves to take pills.
Howard and Robin spent some time talking about boners and stuff. Howard said he's constantly boned up and ready to go with Beth. Howard said that he's got a full four inches of love making ready to go. Howard played a little bit of Bubba's rap song and Artie said that it's the worst song he's ever heard. Robin said that the writing of the song was horrible because nothing rhymed.
Lisa said that Bubba has his ''Spice Boy'' returning to the show so they'll be reporting on that sometime today. She also got in a plug for Victoria Zdrok's show that airs tonight at 7 on Howard 101.
Howard commented on some of the chicks on the list and kind of went off on Rebecca Romijn. He said that he's a comedian and that's why he goofs on her boyfriend. He said there was a whole discussion on SFN about whether or not he's a comedian or not.
Howard had a bunch of audio to play today. The first thing was Paris Hilton who was hired by a company to promote her new video game ''Jewel Jam'' but she got the name of it wrong when she was promoting it. She was calling it ''Diamond Quest'' and it wasn't even close to what the actual name was. He played the clip where she called it the wrong name and apologized for being late to her appearance. Gary told Howard that she was an hour and a half late to the appearance too.
Artie brought up how Jamie Foxx was there last week walking around and Howard decided not to have him in the studio because it was too late in the show. He asked him if he would have had a Paris Hilton or Tom Cruise in the studio if it had been one of them instead. Howard said he would have because his audience would have killed him if he didn't have one of them in. Jamie Foxx isn't on that list.
Jeff said that he's mad at Artie for a combination of things. Robin said it's like the nicer you are to Jeff, the meaner he can be to you. Howard said that Jeff is like a big man-baby who throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. When he asked Jeff why he's pissed at Artie, Jeff changed his tune and didn't have anything to say.
Jeff claims that he was doing the F-you thing for the cameras at the film festival. Howard said that's not true and he was serious. Jeff said that he was angry at Artie for talking shit about his mother. He didn't like him making fun of the cheese thing that Artie was goofing on. Jeff said that his mother likes to eat cheese and that's it.
Gary came in and said that he heard that Jeff is going around telling people that he got oral sex at the Film Festival. Jeff said that wasn't true but Sal heard the story from him. Howard was going to let Jeff go but Jeff asked him to play a prank call that was made to him on his birthday but Howard was struggling to understand what he was talking about. Gary told him that Sal and Doug Goodstein called Jeff and made fun of him that day but the call didn't go anywhere so it was never played on the air. Howard let Jeff go and went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's been listening to the show while driving his truck across country. That led to Howard talking about how they may have been a huge hit if they were on a terrestrial radio station for 24 hours a day when they were still on there.
Howard said that he had a few more audio clips to play. The Bloodhound Gang had Mark the Bagger on their show the other night. He said that they've tried to get Mark on his show but Mark's mother doesn't want him doing his show. She trusts the guys from the Bloodhound Gang though. Howard played the clip where the guys were asking Mark if he was attracted to Artie Lange. Mark said that he might have sex with Artie if he made the right offer to him.
In another clip Mark the Bagger says that he'll kick High Pitch Eric's ass. There was another clip where Mark talks about his favorite words ''cunts and fags.'' He had another one where he was laughing and then taking phone calls. A caller told Mark that he loved the prank call that Mark made to a muffler shop.
Howard played the prank call that was mentioned in the clip where Mark calls a muffler shop and talks about sticking his dick in a tail pipe and laughs his ass off as he's doing it. Howard played more of Mark's clips from the Bloodhound Gang's show. One woman asked Mark if he's going to be on Howard's show more. He said that Howard has to call his agent to get him on.
Howard said that guy is good and he wishes that he could get him on the show. His mother won't allow it though. Gary said that they won't give them Mark's mother's number... Then he got word from Will that he did speak to his mother. Will came in the studio a short time later and told Howard that his mother was very upset about the gay stuff that went on with Mark and one of the guys from the Bloodhound Gang. Howard told Will that he should be talking to Mark's mother and let her know that it wasn't someone from their show that touched him, it was one of the Bloodhound Gang that did that.
Howard was looking through the clips he had to play and tried to figure out what to play next. He was going to play some stuff from ''Inside the Porn Actors Studio.'' Robin said that she heard some of it and Richard sounded like he was half asleep in that.
Howard played some audio from a prison documentary, from HBO, where a prisoner was talking about getting his salad tossed. The guy said that it's not gay because they just pretend that it's a woman's pussy. Howard said that's why he pays his taxes and doesn't want to go to jail. In another clip a guy talks about how there are husbands and wives in prison and the guys all take care of each other as if they were husband's and wives. Another guy talked about how he stabbed a guy while giving him oral sex in a closet. He said the other guy couldn't explain it because he had a fag sucking his dick in the closet.
Howard played another audio clip where a prisoner talked about making meth at his house. He claimed that he could make $9 million worth of the stuff with a couple of 55 gallon drums. In another clip a guy talked about banging a woman and how she wanted more from him so he called out to a buffalo asking the buffalo to help him out. Howard said that some of these guys would be good on radio and he's thinking about putting people like this on his channel.
Howard played a clip of a guy talking about making money in prison selling drugs. He said that people will bring the stuff in by shoving it up their ass. Howard said that the ass seems to be everything in prison.
Howard asked Jeff what evidence he has that shows he doesn't conduct his life like a baby. Jeff didn't have an answer. Howard told him that the government pays him to stay home without a job, he lives at him with his mother and doesn't have a job. That would appear to be a baby to him. Jeff said that he still thinks that Howard loves him even though he says all of that stuff.
Howard said that Jeff couldn't even hold a job as a hand stamper. Jeff asked Howard to talk good about him once in a while but Robin asked him to come up with something positive to say. Jeff said that is pretty tough to do. Howard let him go a short time later and went to commercial break.
Siobhan was telling the guys that they can call her a ''she'' because some were calling him he and others were calling her she. Robin was calling her ''Siobhan'' because he/she didn't work. Artie saw Siobhan at the film festival and she was hanging around talking to a lot of people. One of the directors was talking to her until she introduced her daughter to him, then he was hitting on her. Robin and Howard said that her daughter is actually very pretty.
Howard asked Siobhan more about the penis/fake vagina thing and how that worked. Robin was saying that sometimes they use the ball skin to create a vagina. Siobhan said that it's not good to do that because you don't want hair growing out of your vagina.
Siobhan told Howard that she would like to get a date with one of his listeners. Howard said that she's so hideous that she has to offer money to people to have sex with her. He knows of guys who will have sex with animals, dead animals, before they'd have sex with her because she's so disgusting. Howard said that if he was Siobhan, he'd go to the doctor and ask to be turned into a sheep because guys are more attracted to sheep than they are to her.
Howard asked Siobhan if the doctors and nurses laughed at her after her operation. She said that they were very nice and didn't laugh at her. They went through the process of getting the operation done and how it was about a week and a half before they pulled the bandages off. Robin said that the body always looks at that hole as a wound so it has to be constantly opened up. Siobhan said that she has to use a stint to keep it opened up once in a while. Fred was doing his impression of Siobhan's voice going from high to low and had the guys laughing.
Siobhan said that she has to use lube in there to keep herself lubricated... like Robin does. Robin told her not to compare her to that because she has her own juices in there. Siobhan said that she wants to lose her cherry but she wants it to be a good experience.
Ralph called in and said that it must be a lot of work down there to keep that thing fresh. He also said that maybe Howard should have a contest where the loser would have to bang Siobhan. Siobhan said that the guy has to be good looking or he can't do it. Howard told her that she can't be picky when it comes to getting laid.
Howard asked his audience if there's anyone out there who would be willing to bang Siobhan. He was pretty sure that there was anyone out there. Siobhan was saying that the guy will have to go down on her before doing her as well because she needs foreplay to get her going.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he would do it but he would have to shoot his load on her face. He claimed that he looks like Robby Benson but Siobhan was already saying that she didn't want someone who looked like a kid. She also said that she wants someone who works out. Howard told her to forget it because it's going to be impossible to find a guy if she's going to be picky about it. The caller said that he has a belly so Siobhan asked him how big it is. The guy said that he's 200 pounds and 5'10'' tall. Siobhan said that she's 6' tall and weighs just 100 pounds.
Siobhan asked how big the guy's penis is. The guy said it's only about 5 and a half inches long so it won't hurt. Siobhan said that might work. She wanted to pick from a group of men though. Howard told her that there is no group, it's one guy. Howard wanted them to come in tomorrow so he tried to set things up. He said that Rob can go over to Siobhan's place tomorrow and bang Siobhan while they're on the phone.
Siobhan said that she doesn't want this guy shooting his load on her if he's dirty. She said that she hasn't had sex in 12 years. She said she hopes that this works out. Siobhan said that the guy will probably lose it when he sees all of the cats in her apartment.
Howard said that Siobhan was dancing at the Film Festival after party and not wearing any panties so everyone could see up her dress. She went on to talk about how she was doing some cat sitting to make money but that kind of dried up so now she's ''scrabbling'' to make money. Howard and Artie corrected her and said that it's not ''scrabbling'' it's ''scrambling.'' They goofed on her about that for a short time and then Fred said that the word ''scrabble'' is a word but Siobhan may not have been using it correctly. Howard said he doesn't care and just wanted to end the conversation. He wanted to hand up but Fred was doing his impression and goofing on her. He eventually hung up on Siobhan and moved on.
Howard said that the guy raped, sodomized and killed the woman and then called her friends and let them know what he had done. The killer didn't cry in court but he claims that he feels it in his heart and feels for the family's loss.
Howard was relieved when he saw that the family said that they could never forgive the guy for what he did. Robin said that's not good for the family though because they will never let it go. She said that she sees forgiveness as being the person letting go of the situation and moving on with their life.
Garver asked Debbie what 9x8 was and she said 48. Howard said ''uh oh'' when he heard that answer. Garver asked what she thinks of Howard Stern and she said she thinks he's a nice guy. Then he asked her about if she would ever marry a Jew. She said she's married three of them. Garver asked her who the biggest assholes in Hollywood were. She didn't have an answer for that question and walked away a short time later.
Garver got an interview with Jack Carter who has been around for a long time. Howard seemed surprised to hear that he was still alive. Howard played the clip where Carter commented on him and said that he thinks Howard is a moron but he likes ''the girl'' (Robin). Carter changed his tune and said that he actually likes Howard but he should shave his head so we can see his head. Howard said that his hair is actually amazing. He's 52 and it's still pretty damn dark even though there is some grey in there.
Robin said that she was talking to Captain Dennis about him and he was amazed that he was over 50. Howard said that he thinks his hair saves him. He said it would be tough to walk around with a rag on his head. He said that when he sees Hulk Hogan take that thing off his head, he looks about 20 years older.
Howard played another clip where Garver got an interview with Kaylee DeFer from the TV show ''The War at Home'' but as soon as he started to ask some rude questions, her publicist pulled her away. Garver called him a douche as he was pulling her away.
Garver got an interview with Michael Rappaport who asked Garver not to ask him anything stupid in front of his kids. Garver asked him if he thinks that Bush should be impeached and Rappaport went nuts and said that was a stupid question. Howard said that Rappaport came back to talk to Gary when he realized who he was. Rappaport returned and answered the Bush question and a few others. He calmed down a little bit when Garver told him he was from Howard's show.
Rappaport told Garver to go on so he asked him if he shaves his private area. He asked him about Osama bin Laden's daughter getting her own talk show but he disappeared for a few seconds. Rappaport told him to ask some good questions. Garver asked him if he's ever banged a black chick. Michael said that he has but he didn't want to talk about Garver's sister. Rappaport told Garver they have to step this up a bit and ask something good. Howard thought that he was getting a bit annoying but Baba Booey told him to let it go a little longer. Garver gave Rappaport the list of questions and then Rappaport complained that Gary (Dell'Abate) doesn't call him back and he should call once in a while.
Garver and Rappaport got into an argument about who could win in a basketball game. They wanted to set up a game that they could play on the air. Howard said he would do that. Gary wondered if they've changed much since they moved to satellite. Howard said he doesn't think they have, but no one is looking to hear from Michael Rappaport.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he signed on to SIRIUS when he heard that they were going to let the first 1000 new subscribers bang a porn star. Howard said they were just throwing around ideas that day, they haven't lined anything up.
Another caller asked Howard about Beth going to Memphis so Howard spent a minute talking about that. He said that she's doing some promotion for Gillette and that's why she'll be out there. Another caller said that he recently met Artie and Gary at the car show in New York and Artie didn't look all that fat in person. He said that TV must put 20 pounds on him. That led to the guys talking about some of the guys from The Sopranos.
The caller said that he wanted to talk to Gary about something off the air. He started to explain it to Howard but he bailed out and put him on hold.
Artie said that he and Dana did get affectionate. They're not back to any type of sex yet though. He said she's in a cast on crutches and she's not in the mood for that stuff at this point. He said that she said some very nice stuff to him in her letter so things are getting back to normal now. She still wants him to go to therapy and there are still a lot of grey areas in their relationship. He said that her dog was still there and still scheeving him out.
Artie said that he and Dana just kissed, they didn't even really make out. He said they did use tongue though. He said that the shrink thing is still a big part of them getting back together. That led to Howard talking about his back problems and how Dr. Sarno suggested that he go to a shrink to help him with his problems. Howard said he got the number from Dr. Sarno and sat on it for about 5 years before he acted upon it.
Howard said that he was in a really dark place at the time and things weren't going very well for him at the time. He couldn't understand why people enjoyed living. He didn't want to die but he couldn't figure out why people enjoyed life. Now that he's gone to the shrink, he looks forward to every day. He said it took him about 5 years of therapy to get there though.
Howard said that things may have gone differently if he was that way years ago. He now appreciates every day and enjoys life so much now. He didn't know how to explain it any other way. He said that he started to understand things better when he started to go. He said that even though he was on top of the world at the time he wasn't a happy person. Now he is.
Howard said that he felt like he had to be punished for all of the good things that were going on in his life. He said he developed a relationship with the psychiatrist he went to and that really helps a person out. Artie tried out some guys but didn't like the way things went so he stopped going. Robin told him that he has to be good too so things will work out.
Artie asked Howard how long it took before he noticed that things were getting better for him. Howard said it took a long time. Robin said that she remembers when Howard was going 2 times a week and had trouble making the decision to go 3 times a week. Now he's up to 4 times a week. Artie wondered if it's tough to go sometimes. Howard said it is tough sometimes because you feel like you have to come up with a whole agenda.
Artie said that he can just imagine getting better mentally and then he'd be told that he'd have a week left to live after that. Howard said he had thoughts like that himself. He said that he knows what Artie is going through by not calling the shrink.
The therapy discussion eventually turned to Robin's colonic discussion. Howard was also talking about how he quit smoking after getting into Transcendental Meditation. He was smoking 3 packs a day until he did that. He told Artie he might want to try that out as well. Howard told him he doesn't have to sit in a certain position or anything crazy like that. He said that it only takes about an hour to learn it on a weekend so it's not a big time commitment.
Hook Nose Mike called in and said that therapy isn't going to work for Artie because he doesn't want it. He's asking about the time commitment and things like that. Howard said that Mike doesn't know anything, he doesn't care. Mike said that he's been in therapy all his life so he knows. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and tried to give Artie some advice but Artie called her an annoying cunt and told her to mind her own business.
King of All Blacks called in and said that psychiatry is all bullshit. He thinks that Howard got to the point where he enjoys life because he got out of his marriage. Howard said that he got out of marriage and went into a panic so it was a very bad transitional period for him. He said that if he wasn't in therapy, he wouldn't have as good of a relationship with Beth as he does. He didn't know why he was talking to King about this stuff anyway. He had to hang up on him.
Howard told Artie that he's worried about him because he's his ''bro'' and he likes him. He doesn't really care what anyone does. Robin said that she can't see how Artie can't see that there's something wrong with him because there are so many good things going on in his life and he's still miserable. Howard said that his problems didn't have anything to do with his wife even though so many people thought that's what it was.
Jeff the Drunk called back in and said he was thinking about what Howard asked him earlier and he wasn't able to come up with anything positive to say about himself. He told Howard to have a good day. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and called Artie some names and told him to stop crying on the air. Artie said he wasn't crying on the air. Mariann was also saying that his sister asked her to find a nice Italian girl for Artie. She was telling Artie that if he had a nice Sicilian girl, he'd get a blow job every day and a nice meal every night.
Mariann asked if she could roast Artie when they do the roast. Howard told her that if she keeps that up she should be able to do it. Artie said he didn't care either way.
George went through some of the other stuff they'll be covering on Howard 100 News updates throughout the day. Jon Hein was also in to give the Wrap Up Show preview. He mentioned that they'll be talking about the Siobhan thing that went on earlier. They'll also talk about Mark the Bagger and why it's so tough to get him back on the show. Jeff the Drunk's calls will also be discussed.
Ralph called in and asked why Mariann from Brooklyn has a problem with Alexis Stewart because she called her a cunt earlier. Howard said he thinks she's just doing that because of the ''cunty'' comment that Alexis made one time. Howard wrapped up with Jon after that and went to commercial break.
Howard went on to play a new message from Crazy Alice who went off on Robin in her latest voice mail. Robin just laughed as Alice was going off on her. Howard played another message that wasn't making a lot of sense to him. He thought that she was pissed at him but he wasn't even sure about that. He played another one where she went off on Artie as well.
Howard and Artie did their impressions of Alice and had some fun with that. They also played the prank that Sal and Richard did where they called her and threatened to take away her subscription to SIRIUS. Artie did an impression of her in that call and recited some of her lines from that. Howard then played another prank call they made using clips of Alice cursing to call some guy who had no idea what was going on. Howard played yet another prank call that was made using clips of Alice. In that one they called a hair braiding place and had Alice yelling at the woman who answered the phone.
Artie wondered if they could get Alice in there to roast him or something. Howard said that she's kind of like the Incredible Hulk because you have to get her angry before she'll go off on someone. Howard had Robin start her news after the Crazy Alice stuff.
Some people were upset with the fact that Howard's cousin was on the show. There was someone upset that Howard's news department has changed it's format because he can't listen all day to hear bits and pieces of news all day long. Howard read through a bunch of other mail and some people really liked the Kennedy impressions that he and Artie were doing on the show yesterday.
There was someone else who thinks that Howard has to support Artie's movie premiere even though he talked about not going to see it because he's afraid of what might happen if he doesn't like it. Howard said that he was going to say that he likes the movie now, before he's even seen it, just so he can't get in trouble if he doesn't like it. Howard said that the quote he's going to give is that the movie is ''So great I didn't have to see it.'' Artie said that they'll put them in the ads now.
Howard said that Booker called him this weekend and told him that he tried to get Howard into the premiere of the new X-Men movie but he wasn't able to get him in. Howard said that he would have loved to have gone to see the movie and Booker should have called him. He recently complained about Booker never inviting him to anything and this is just another example. Booker told him that the movie was really good too so he was rubbing it in even more by doing that.
Howard is looking forward to the new Superman movie so Robin asked what the story is about. Howard thought it was the story where Superman comes back after he was killed but he's been told he's wrong. Howard said he's really not sure what's going on with the story. Jason came in and told Howard that they're going back and pretending that Superman 3 and 4 didn't take place. Superman goes out and disappears for a few years out in space to think about his life. Jason also said that he's kind of bummed that they go back to when Lois Lane was a kid. He wants to see Superman beating people up, not going back to some bratty kid.
Ralph called in and said that he heard that they're having trouble with Superman's voice in the new movie because he's too girly. Jason also talked about the season finale of Smallville and how great he thought that was. Howard thought it was great as well. They were all talking about how gay the new Superman outfit looks.
Brian Phalen came in and told Howard he thinks that it was Richie Wilson who went down there. Richie came in and said it wasn't him either. He has been going through a bunch of crap lately and did lose some weight but he didn't go to see Dr. Calabro. Richie said he was having problems with his girl and ended up going to therapy. He told Artie that he got the best night of sleep after going to see the therapist. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
There was also a story about a friend of Richard's who used to beat off next to him in the same room. Richard said he once went and took a bath and the friend came in and pretended to cum in the bathtub but ended up going in the toilet. Howard told Richard that if a guy can get a full erection in front of another dude like that, and finish, he's gay. Richard said that guy actually taught him how to whack off. He used to have parties where he and his friends would all whack off.
Howard thought that someone teaching him how to masturbate was pretty weird. Richard said the guy was more mature than he was but they were the same age. He described the scene at the masturbation parties and how he was never able to get off in front of a bunch of guys. He said he could only get off in front of the one friend.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Richard that was some gay stuff he was doing. Richard said that he remembers one time that he and his friend whacked off together in a tent but they were talking about hot chicks that they knew in school. Howard remembers a friend of his who wanted to jerk him off one time but he didn't want to do it so it didn't happen. Artie asked Richard if he has ever jerked a guy off with his lips. Richard just laughed.
Will came in and told Howard that Richard used to jerk off in a toy box. Richard told that story and said that he didn't have a lock on his door so he used to crawl into a toy box that was about 4x4. He would leave it in there so the wood was all stained and stuff. His mother actually caught him in there one time but she thought he was doing drugs or something like that.
Richard told another story about his friend who stayed home from school to jerk off. While he was jerking off with his eyes closed, his mother walked in and put a cup of tea on his dresser for him. They still haven't talked about that day as far as Richard knows.
Gary asked her what it would take to get her in there for the Artie roast. Alice said that first of all she doesn't want to fly. Second, she lives in an area where she's afraid that her stuff would be stolen. She's in a bad community and one of her neighbors was just robbed recently.
Robin asked Alice why she doesn't move out of there and that started to get her pissed off. Alice said she's on low income and started yelling at her. She got a little louder for a short time. Gary asked Alice if she could hire someone to watch her stuff for her while she's away. She said that she's got a nice big screen TV and she doesn't even trust her neighbors to watch that stuff. She's been robbed in the past and doesn't want that to happen again.
Crazy Alice ended up yelling at Robin again but she was also laughing while she was doing it. Robin was laughing her ass off as Alice was yelling at her. Howard understood where Alice was coming from as far as not wanting to leave her stuff at home. Alice said it's almost like she's a prisoner in her own home. She's trying to get out of there and has a case worker trying to help her find another place.
Robin asked Alice what she does for a living but she was asking if they could hook her up with a job. Robin said that they could hook her up with a line so she could do a show from her house. They said that they could get her to do the roast from her apartment too. She ended up telling the guys that she actually likes Artie because he reminds her of John Belushi. She said that she'll come visit them sometime as soon as she gets out of that neighborhood. Howard let her go a short time later and had Robin get back to her news.
Howard and the guys were talking about how great Crazy Alice is on the phone. Howard said that they really should hook her up with a radio show. He told Tim Sabean to get right on that. Jeff the Drunk called back in once again and asked why they can't hook him up with a line like they were talking about doing with Alice. Howard told Jeff that maybe he should stop relating everything on the show to him. He told Jeff that she's got something that he doesn't have. Jeff didn't believe that was the case but Howard assured him it was. Howard said that Artie doing an impression of Alice is more entertaining than the real Jeff the Drunk is. Jeff asked Howard to please think about it as Howard was hanging up on him.
Howard wrapped up the show around 11:35am.
Howard started off the morning talking about a news story about two chicks whose boyfriends got turned down on going to the prom because they had a criminal past. He read that it was a Cape Cod teen who had a marijuana arrest and when the girl's parents did some digging, they found out about it. He read another article about this actor Chad Michael Murray who is 21 years old and can't go to the prom with his girlfriend who is only 18 years old. The guys talked about how that guy has already been married and divorced and he's only 21 years old. Howard was surprised that a 21 year old can't date an 18 year old.
Howard said he went to dinner with his movie wife Mary McCormack and her husband last night and they picked up the tab. He told the guys about Mary's husband and how he's got a show that he's producing that will be following ''Desperate Housewives'' next season. Howard said he told the guy that it's almost a guaranteed hit if it's following that show but the guy told him he could be off the air after just one showing.
Howard said the show is going to have Calista Flockhart in it so it will be her return to TV. That led to the guys talking about Calista's past weight loss and how big of a deal that was when she was on TV before.
Howard played Bubba's rap song and said that the opening saxophone riff is the worst thing in the world to him. Howard also had a new version of the song where they had Crazy Alice audio clips in place of Bubba's lines. Robin said that she can rap even better than Bubba. Artie said that a lot of people on the streets have been yelling out Crazy Alice lines to him lately.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard about this ''pussy bong'' that Bubba was doing on his show. Howard said he's got something similar coming up on his show but it's an ass bong. Howard didn't hear Bubba's show but he figured that it was a woman pouring a beer in her puss and then squirts it into a guy's mouth. The caller said it sounded pretty crazy. He wasn't sure who the guy was who was drinking the beer though.
Howard said that this girl who is coming in to do the ass bong says that she can inhale pot smoke in her ass and she can blow the smoke out to anyone who wants to take it in. He said they're going to have to use tobacco instead of weed since they're at work. Artie said that Richard's main problem with that is that it's not weed. Will came in and told the guys that there will be water in her ass as well so she's like the bottom of a bong.
Gary told Howard that the woman doing the ass bong thing is going to ride the Sybian anally before doing her thing. She's going to do that to loosen it up back there. Howard spent a minute talking about how this chick might have found out about her special talent.
Howard told people not to forget that Cabbie is in jail for tax evasion and he should be getting out in July. That led to the guys doing their impressions of Cabbie and wondering what his future will be. They wondered if Cabbie would have a job at the old K-Rock which is now known as Free FM. Howard said since the format has changed over there, he may be renamed ''Gabby'' since it's all talk.
Howard said that he's been getting letters from Cabbie every day but he ends up throwing out the letters because they're all the same thing. He said that Cabbie has renamed himself and he can't wait to tell him what his name is. He said he's not sure where that mail goes before it gets to him so he just shreds it and gets rid of it.
Howard said that even when they get letters from prisoners there at work, he has Gary copy them before giving them to him because he gets crazy from thinking about where they may have been.
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who told him how great the two channels are. He listened yesterday to Howard's show, Bubba's show and Ferrall's show. Howard said he heard the Sex Connection show but there was some guy who was missing from the show. Gary said that guy is no longer with them because he had some problems with his family not liking what he was doing.
Howard asked Mike what he was doing in Tampa. Mike said that he moved down there because the cost of housing is so crazy up in the New York area. He said that he's a dump truck operator down there and he's changed his whole life now. He said he was a warehouse supervisor up there and just moved down to Florida 2 weeks ago. He waited to move until after the film festival. Mike told Howard that people love him down there too.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he likes the new news format. Howard said they're working on changing things around all the time. The guy was kind of upset that the replays aren't working out like they used to but he didn't complain about that too much. They've shifted the time of Howard's show replays and they don't match up to hours like they used to.
Howard played another prank call that Sal and Richard made to a cable access show. Artie said that Jeff Curro is probably upset that he's not taking over the airwaves like Alice is. Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who said that he just got back from London where people really love him. He asked Howard what he thinks about the Superman movie that's coming out. Howard said he hopes that it's as good as the first and second Superman movies. Bong Hit told Howard he's opening a new store soon where he'll have comic books and stuff like that. He told Howard he can have anything he wants from the store when it's open.
Another caller asked Howard what he thought of the discussion about putting pop rocks in a woman's vagina. Howard said he doesn't know what that does to a person. Artie said that it can't be good for a person. Another caller said that it wasn't a ''puss bong'' on Bubba's show yesterday, it was a ''puss BOMB.'' Howard said he got confused because of the ass bong thing they're doing on their show.
Another caller used the ''scrabbling'' comment that Siobhan used when she called in yesterday. Howard said they learned a lot of stuff about her fake vagina and how she has to stick a stent in it to keep it open and stuff like that. There was this guy who offered to bang Siobhan yesterday but his wife found out about it. He and his wife are swingers though so they may be flying in to do the show. There was also another guy who was going to bang Siobhan but Gary wasn't able to wake that guy up.
Howard said that he was on Bubba's show yesterday talking about John Stamos' new girlfriend Daniela Urzi. He gave out a web site where they have pictures of her and the site crashed.
Fred said that he's trying to find a book called ''The Last of the Hitlers'' and explained what that was. Howard said he's sorry that he got involved in that conversation because Fred just keeps going on and on. He ended up getting into a discussion about the book and how Hitler had a half brother who moved there to Long Island many years ago and they turned out to be nice people but they all agreed to never have children. There was a half brother and 3 nephews that all moved there. Fred wants to find the book to read more about them.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who claims that he got to go over to John Stamos' mother's house for dinner one time. He had a hot chick with him back then. Howard said that John always has hot chicks around him.
Howard said that Pam Anderson called him this week and asked him to hang out with her. Robin said that means he's not going to bang her once again. He said that she's throwing a party and he's invited. He's waiting for her phone call back to find out where its happening.
Howard said he didn't realize the Rain Forest Concert is coming up this weekend. He'd like to go to it but he's not sure if he'll be able to because Beth is coming home late. Howard said that he just wants to look at Pam. He's not sure he wants to hang out though because she's so sexual and he's not going to be banging her, so it's kind of a waste of time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he didn't used to like the show but when he heard that he was moving to SIRIUS, he gave the show a try and found out he loves it. Now he's a SIRIUS stock owner. He said he used to listen to Bob and Tom down where he lives. Howard said he got a tape of those guys one time and wasn't able to make it through 10 minutes of the show. Howard told the guy that he sounds kind of like Beth because she didn't like him before she met him either.
Howard told Riley that he's a hit and Tim Sabean will be working with him on a schedule. Tim came in the studio and said that they're getting him on the schedule on a regular basis but they want to put him on later at night. He said that he would like to have Riley come in and do the show from the City for the first couple of months but they'll eventually let him do the show from his home. Riley said that stuff can all be worked out. Howard said of course it can, what else does he have in the works?
Howard did his impression of Riley and goofed on him for a short time. He also played the ''My Name Is... Riley Martin'' song parody and a Riley and Blue Iris having sex bit that the guys created. There was also a ''Riley takes a dump'' bit that Riley said sounded true to form.
Howard told Riley that they're working on putting him into the mix so Riley told him that he won't bother him and take up his time anymore. Riley said that it would be nice if Howard's people would call him and let him know what's going on with the show. Howard told Riley that they just figure he's got nothing going on so he can wait for the phone to ring. He was doing his impression of Riley as he was explaining that to him.
Riley seemed to be getting irritated with Howard but Howard was able to calm him down a bit. Riley said he's never met any aliens that are as interesting as those guys. Howard let Riley go a short time later.
Howard mentioned that golfer John Daly was coming in. He said that there are people out there talking about Daly's claims that he lost $60 million are outrageous. He played a couple of audio clips where people commented on that stuff. Most people don't believe that he could have lost that much money because he hasn't made enough to have lost that much. Howard went to commercial after that.
The guys ended up talking about American Idol after they brought up how Taylor Hicks sang a Bruce Springsteen song and they apparently had to call Bruce to get permission to sing it. They discussed who they think is going home and who sang the best last night.
Robin said that there's an American Idol after show now and they have some old contestants from the show hosting it. Howard said the show sucks and quickly moved on to ask the guys if they think that Randy Jackson has started to get fat again. Robin believes that he has gained a few pounds.
Howard got some e-mail feedback about a comic book character that he mentioned yesterday. It was a character that bounces around like a rubber ball. The e-mailer said that the character was known as ''Bouncing Boy.''
Ralph called in and said that he had some messages that Howard left for him. In one of them Howard left the message as his father and in the other one he was doing his Eric the Midget voice. Ralph said he also had Artie's message which was very short.
Ralph played the message that Howard left as his father. He was commenting on American Idol and Artie said that was pretty embarrassing. In the second message Howard did his Eric the Midget impression and cracked himself up as he was doing it. Howard didn't even say anything, he just made noises as Eric and then started laughing and hung up. Artie was happy that he didn't talk about American Idol in that message.
Eric the Midget called in so Howard put him on the air and started goofing on him immediately. He did his impression and gave his demands where he says that he doesn't want Howard making fun of his voice. Eric also demanded that he not be included in the Wack Pack one time so that got in there.
Artie threw in a comment about the Oakland A's sucking so Eric said ''At least they were in the lead in the beginning...'' Eric then went on to comment on American Idol. He thinks that Catherine McFee was the best of the final three on the show. Robin thought she was horrible.
Howard said that Yamine is out this week and Catherine will win the whole thing. He wanted to end the gay conversation after that but Ralph asked Eric who he thinks is going to win. He already said that he thinks that Catherine will win.
Howard compared Ralph's life to Eric's. They both sit home all day and not do anything. Eric said that he would like to get a job though. Artie said that Eric doesn't pick out shirts for celebrities like Ralph does. Eric told Howard that he's going out to get the tire fixed on his van today so Ralph said that's more than he's planning on doing today.
Howard told the guys that John Stamos was there so he had to get going. Ralph said that he'd better not clam up today because he's heard some great stories from him lately.
Eric said that he heard that Howard was on Bubba's show goofing on him. Howard said he was doing his voice on the show. Eric said that he wrote a note to Bubba thanking him for not getting in on the goofing. Ralph told Eric that he's just got a fun voice to do and it's not making fun all the time. Eric said he got made fun of when he was a kid and now he's an adult and still has to deal with it.
Howard said that life is unfair when someone like John Stamos gets models all the time and Eric gets no women. Howard told Eric that he loves him and he busts everyone's balls on the show. He told him to have a good day and not bum out so much. Eric told Howard that he might show some gratitude toward them if they would stop with the nick names and stuff.
Howard told Eric he can be known as Eric the Midget or Eric the Astronaut, it's up to him. Eric didn't answer that one, we just heard static from his phone. Howard asked him to measure his penis after telling him that he could hook him up with Tabitha Stevens if he wanted to get laid. He said that he could just roll him into Tabitha and rock him back and forth to bang her.
Howard asked Eric if he gets erect down there. Eric said that he does and sometimes touches it. He was hesitating with the answers and said that he might be between 6 and 8 inches long down there. Ralph told him to go measure himself. Eric said he's not sure he wants something like that on the air. Howard said he finds it hard to believe that Eric has never measured himself down there. Artie said that every man has measured himself. Howard thanked Eric for calling and let him off the phone.
Howard said that he likes that John had problems with his marriage even though he's such a good looking dude. He asked John if he laughed when he saw Rebecca on American Idol last week. John didn't say much of anything about that. Howard wanted to know if he thought it was weird that Rebecca was with Jerry O'Connell. John wasn't saying anything. Howard told him that Rebecca hates him now that he said that she traded down when she went to Jerry O'Connell.
John told Howard that he and Rebecca were broken up right around the time that X-Men 2 came out and he couldn't say anything to Howard at that time because he wasn't talking to him for some reason. Howard said that Rebecca wasn't very supportive of John back then and he even said something to her about that. John said that Rebecca always told him that she didn't want to be an actress but he helped her get her into the business.
Howard told John he knew it was the end of their marriage when they were out to dinner one night when John was doing Cabaret or something. Rebecca had just gotten a job doing a movie with Brian Depalma. She told John that his problem was that he had never gotten to work with good directors. Howard said he kept his mouth shut that night but he knew it was the wrong thing to say in front of other people. He said that John had worked all his life acting.
Robin said that she knew that things were over when John came in once and Rebecca was sitting on his lap when they were cutting IDs for the show. Robin said that she knew that Rebecca was too young and things would end eventually. John said that their relationship ran it's course and things were just over.
Howard said that John got Rebecca in her prime years and got out of the relationship at the right time. Howard asked him if he's watched her new show ''Pepper Dennis.'' John hasn't seen it so Howard told him it's not that good. He said that he now figures that they got John in the divorce because Rebecca won't even talk to them anymore.
Gary asked John if he was mad at Rebecca all the time when they were together. John said that he had moments of anger but it wasn't all the time. Howard talked about how high maintenance Rebecca was. Gary asked John if it's true that he was dating Denise Richards earlier this year. John said he was but it had nothing to do with Rebecca. Howard told John that he must be crazy to date Denise because she's nuts. She was crazy enough to marry Charlie Sheen of all people. Howard said that she's out press releasing things about Charlie that her kids will eventually read.
John said that Denise wanted to give him tapes of Charlie Sheen calling her the N-word and things like that. John said he didn't want to get involved in that stuff so he didn't pass them along. Howard asked him about going back to Denise after she left Charlie. He figured that John wouldn't stay with her for long because she does have kids. John said that he's friends with all of those people and he had to get out of that whole scene.
Howard asked John about David Spade because he has a problem with him. John didn't want to get into a public battle with the guy so he didn't say anything about him.
Howard asked John about some of the other chicks he's had over the years. They mentioned Laurie Loughlin and Heather Locklear but John said that he never banged Heather. He was invited up to her room one time but he didn't make it up there that night. He ended up puking and passing out in his hotel room.
Gary asked John about when he first started out in the business and if he got any calls from older women in the business. John said that he had an affair with Diane Parkinson back then when he was about 21 years old. She was dating Bill Bixby at the time. She was only about 10 years older than he was at the time. He said he had a few women like that back then.
John said that he lost his virginity at the age of 17 1/2. He said it was the sister of a friend of his who he banged and he brought a bunch of his friends with him because he figured if she'd bang him, she'd bang all of his friends.
Howard said that John dated Demi Moore but John said it wasn't dating. He said he's not sure if they had full on sex. There was a lot of drug use on the set of General Hospital back then and he didn't remember all of the details. John said that there was one time when a Penthouse chick was in his dressing room and he just banged her. He also remembers her washing herself out in the sink in the dressing room.
Howard told John that he gave out the web site for his girlfriend Daniela Urzi and crashed the site yesterday. John said that she's a great girl. He also said that she's not really his girlfriend, they've just been dating for a while.
Howard said that John has a big penis according to Beth. She was in the tub with him one time and he showed it to her. Howard was in bed with Rebecca but not doing anything with her and John was in the tub with Beth. Howard said that it was all in good fun but he had to throw John and Rebecca out that night. John said that he and Rebecca weren't really swingers but that's what this stuff sounds like. John told Howard that Beth was completely naked in the tub with him but he didn't lay a hand on her. Howard said he didn't lay a hand on Rebecca either.
Artie wondered how no sex was going on when the girls were both naked. John said that there was another girl in the apartment that night as well. Artie and Gary don't believe their stories because something new comes out each time they tell the story. Howard said he had a towel on when he was with Rebecca so he was never naked.
John started to say that there were two times but Howard cut him off. Gary wanted to know more about that but Ralph and Howard were talking about other things. John said that there was actually a third time when the girls were dancing and started taking their shirts off. He remembered that Beth wanted his pants but Howard said that he offered her his pants. John said that he and Howard were sitting there like little school girls when that was going on. John said he didn't remember the trip to Scores even though he had just mentioned it a few seconds before.
Howard mentioned that he's going to Scores with Pam Anderson this week but he doesn't want John going because he'll probably end up screwing her. Howard asked John about banging Denise Richards. John said he only did it once because she lives so far from him. Gary said that he would commute to L.A. every weekend to bang that chick. John said that he was a friend for Denise and they're good friends.
Gary said you never hear women complaining about John like they do about people like Scott Baio. John said that they're just not listening close enough. He spent a short time talking about Denise Richards and what a great mother she is. He said he always feels guilty dating a mother because he feels like he's taking the mother away from the kids. He knows that Denise is going through hell right now and he feels bad for her.
Gary said that John has been talking to Don Rickles about Howard a lot lately. John said it's too early for him to call in right now but he's a big fan of Howard's. Howard said they had Don on the show one time and it turned out to be a disaster so he wouldn't want to do that again.
Howard got back to Denise Richards and asked John if he has to explain to her that he's only going to bang her once. John said that she was looking for a relationship and it wasn't the right time for him. Howard said that John once told him that he was done with dating models and actually dated some regular chicks. John said that he's dated a lot of regular chicks like that.
Howard said that John was there to promote the fact that he's doing a gig on ''E.R.'' which is a great job for him. John said he has to learn a lot of medical terms for the show but it really is a great gig. He tried to talk them out of making him learn all of these terms but they won't give in.
John talked about how he was trying to do his own TV show but ABC screwed it up by putting it on at different times and after horrible shows like Heather Graham's show. John said he's got to do some homework for his job on E.R. but it's worth it.
John said that he flew Daniela out to L.A. last week and brought her to Don Rickles' 80th birthday party and Don just about died. John also told Howard that he's been listening to the show lately and he likes hearing him happy now. Howard said that Artie has also come to life there now that he's got so much freedom to speak like a human being.
Howard started to wrap up and gave John a plug for his new E.R. gig. Gary asked John if he's still involved with the people from Full House. He said he does still spend time with people from the show and one of the girls was in and out of rehab. John said that she was on Crystal Meth which is really horrible. She's clean now though. He said that she's hot now too and looks great. Howard figures he'll eventually end up banging one of the Olsen twins some day. Howard figures that John would bang a 19 year old. John said that there are some very young girls out there who don't care about older guys because they haven't learned to hate men yet.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he could smell John's cock because he's gotten so many girls. John said it's not as many people as they think. He mentioned Wilmer Valderrama's recent appearance and how he got into so much trouble for talking about the women he banged. He doesn't want to go there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he got a blow job thanks to John. He said that he was doing promotion for the Beach Boys back in 1993 and women were always looking for stuff from John. He ended up talking to John and asked for an autograph for his sister and ended up giving it to this chick who wanted it and got a blow job for it. John said he was glad he could help. Howard went to commercial break after wrapping up the interview with John.
Howard said that Tiger Woods once said that if John took the time to play the game instead of drinking and gambling, he'd be incredible at the game. John said that the more he practices, the worse he is so he doesn't bother. John said that he started playing when he was about 4 years old and pretty much taught himself. Now his son is playing and he's only 2 and a half.
Howard asked John how he got into golf at such a young age. John said they had cartoons back when he was a kid and they taught him what he needed to know. Howard told John that he was playing audio clips earlier where some people were claiming it was impossible that he could have lost $60 million. John said those people are idiots because that sixty million included wins and stuff. He said he once won $1.8 million playing slot machines.
John said that his kids are taken care of for the rest of their lives so it's not like he's gambling away their future. He just likes to go out and have fun. John has lots of endorsement deals and people call him the NASCAR guy because he has so many logos on his shirt.
John said that he was once playing a game where he had Trim Spa and Dunkin Donuts on the same shirt and Tiger pointed it out to him. He said that it's better than having Miller Light and AA on the same shirt.
Robin asked John if he would ever bet on his own games. John said he just likes to play the slots and he would never bet on his own game. He said that maybe people can learn from the mistakes he's made. He's been married four times and his current wife is in jail right now. He started to explain that story but Howard went back to his other wives and asked about them.
John is 40 years old and he's had a lot of crazy stuff happen in his life. Howard asked him how he got his gambling problem under control. He told John about Artie's drinking and gambling and things like that. John said that he actually stopped drinking the hard liquor and decided to just stick to beer. John said things are going just fine since he started doing that.
Howard actually gave John permission to smoke in the studio after John asked. They were talking about how John smokes on the course when he's playing. You could hear John lighting up his cigarette on mic. That led to Artie asking if he could have one too since John was smoking. Howard told him to go ahead.
Howard asked John about naming one of his kids after the rehab center he went to. John said that was true and his daughter's name is Sierra. Howard said that rehab apparently didn't work for these guys because they're still drinkers. Gary gave John a Heineken Light to try out while he was smoking. John took a big gulp of the beer and said that he and Artie could sit there all day doing that.
Howard asked John about his first marriage which didn't work out. John said he still talks to her, they just got married to young. The second wife was still married when he got married to her but he wasn't aware of that. Now he's got a wife who's in jail and claims that he's trying to stay faithful to her and it's very tough. John said that he doesn't beat off to relieve himself. He said he just can't do that.
Howard read through some of his other notes about John and saw that his third wife claimed that there was some kind of inappropriate marital conduct that went on. John said that never really came out so he's not sure what she was talking about.
Howard asked John about the drinking and what he considers moderation. John said that about 20 beers a day is moderation. That got a laugh out of Artie. Artie went on to say that everyone is different and some people can handle the alcohol. He knew that the guys were going to laugh at that but he believes it's true.
John said that he thinks he has his gambling under control too. He went to the Wynn casino and ended up gambling on a $5000 slot machine where each coin was worth five grand. Artie was blown away by that one. John said he lost about $600,000 on that machine.
Howard said that this was a big deal to have John on the show. He gave him a plug for his book ''My Life in and out of the Rough : The Truth Behind All That Bull**** You Think You Know About Me'' and said that he'll be signing copies at a couple of stores in New York City and New Jersey today.
Howard read through some other notes about John's diet and how he drinks a ton of Diet Coke and peanut M&Ms. He's eaten as many as 20 packs of the M&Ms during a golf tournament. They were going over some of that stuff and Gary came in and asked about John's father put a gun to his head. John told the story about how he had a girlfriend at a party he was at and his father was trying to grab her ass. He and a few other guys walked him home to calm him down but then his father came walking out of the room with a gun in his hand. His brother pulled the gun out of his hand, shot a shot off and threw the gun out the window. John said he didn't think the gun was loaded so it was good that his brother pulled it away from the guy.
Howard asked John about the gambling and if he's still playing the slots. John said he will still bring about $50,000 to a casino and play that. He won't play the big slots unless he's winning. He told Howard some other stories about his sex life as well. He once had a threesome where his girlfriend was eating out another chick while he was doing his girlfriend.
John told Howard that he's got a penis that's about 10 inches long and about half the girth of a beer can. Howard thought that was pretty amazing. He didn't have any idea that he had something like that in his pants. Howard said that he's a 10 incher if he measures from the Arctic Circle.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who claimed that John killed a tiger one time when he threw his shirt into a tiger cage and the tiger ate the shirt. John said that's not true, he did throw his shirt into a cage and the tiger ripped it up but it didn't die.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for John. One guy said that John got him into golf after he watched him on TV. He said he saw him hit a 400 yard drive one time and it was pretty amazing. Artie asked him how far his longest drive ever was. John said it was an 800 yard drive at an airport. Artie said that's pretty amazing because just hitting a 200 yard drive is tough.
One caller told Howard that he heard that John drank a 12 pack after he got out of the Betty Ford clinic. John said that wasn't true, he got out and didn't have any drinks for a couple of years. Howard said he likes John's attitude because he's so relaxed. He figures he'd be all tense and crazy if he were playing the game.
A phone caller told Howard that when John came on the scene he was hitting balls farther than anyone else when he started playing. He also asked him about a Niagara Falls thing he did where he was trying to drive a ball over the falls. John said the weather conditions were really bad there and only one of the drives hit the rocks on the other side. The caller was also saying that John is the only guy they would show smoking on the course because things have changed so much over the years.
John spent a little more time talking about his current wife and the prison time she's spending. She's in there for 5 months but will be out soon. Then she has 5 months of house arrest and parole after that. He said he probably won't leave the house during that time. She got in trouble while helping her father out with his business. John said that he doesn't think it was her fault though.
A phone caller told Howard about John telling a fan to fuck off when he was asked for an autograph. John didn't think that was true but the caller swore that he saw him do it. Howard told John that Artie is a big fan of his. Artie told Howard he'd enjoy watching him play so Howard asked him to let him know when it's on and he'll watch. He wrapped up with John a short time later after giving him some plugs for his book and book signings.
A phone caller told Howard that John Daly's interview was great and he's going to start watching him now. The guy then asked Artie if he would send him a DVD. Artie said he would do that and even said he would autograph it. He said he's happy to do something like that for a fan.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that it's becoming a little too gay these days. He didn't like the way Howard was talking about John's dick. The caller then asked about what happened with Siobhan getting laid on the air. Gary came in and told Howard that the guy who lives 20 minutes away just called them back. Howard got the guy on the phone and asked him what's up with that.
The guy told Howard that he's a big fan of the show and he's willing to do that to get on the show. He didn't sound too enthusiastic about it and Gary said he wanted to hear a little more from him. Howard said that's about what he expects from someone who is about to stick his dick inside a fake vagina.
Fred did his Siobhan impression where his voice goes from high to very low in the same sentence. He had Howard cracking up while doing the impression. Howard was doing his impression as well. He asked Fred when he became so funny over there on satellite.
Howard got Siobhan on the phone to talk to this guy John. As soon as she got on Howard explained that she's a post-op transsexual and his balls and dick were turned into a vagina. John let out a quiet ''yuck'' when he heard that. Siobhan asked the guy what he looks like. He said he's about 5'9'' tall and weighs 200 pounds. He said he's in average shape, he's not fat. He also told the guys that he was doing this just to get on the show and Siobhan wasn't sure that was right.
Howard told Siobhan that no one is going to bang her because they're in love with her. Any guy they find will be doing it just to get on the show. Siobhan was asking about the size of his penis as well so John said he was kind of surprised how picky she is.
Howard told John that he wants him to go over to Siobhan's apartment and bang her there. The guy thought it was going to be off the air but Howard told him he wants him on the phone to let then know what's going on. He also said that he wants to send the Howard TV guys down there.
Howard said that this should be great and asked John when they're going to have him down at Siobhan's apartment. John said that he wasn't told what time to do it. Howard called Gary in to let him know what's going on. Howard was also describing what's going on down there with Siobhan's fake vagina. Siobhan didn't want Howard to scare the guy off. Howard said he had to be honest with him.
Siobhan wanted to do some phone sex with the guy to find out how things might go with them. She started off and told him that she was wearing cotton underwear. She asked him what he was going to do with his cock and then asked him to push it into her. The guys in the studio were dry heaving when they heard Siobhan asking him for all of this stuff.
John said that he wasn't turned on by this at all and he's pretty sure his penis just crawled inside of him. Howard told Siobhan that she might want to go out and get a wig or something so she looks more like a woman. Howard said that maybe John can come down to the studio and then they'll send him off to her apartment after they meet him.
Howard said that he can't think of anything more gross than this. Siobhan asked John when he last got laid and if he has any diseases. John said that he doesn't have any diseases and he got laid about 4 months ago. Howard let Siobhan go and put John on hold to set him up for tomorrow.
Howard said that Whoopi was always nice to him and he doesn't wish her any ill will. Howard said that he wishes everyone in the terrestrial radio business good luck. He's out of there and wants nothing to do with it now. He said he even wishes Opie and Anthony luck even though the papers are always saying that they're some kind of rivals. He doesn't feel that way.
Robin mentioned that XM is being sued by someone again so Howard read an article about that. They're being sued by the record industry for their recording devices because they haven't paid them for the content. SIRIUS has worked a deal with the industry by paying a fee to the record companies.
Howard saw that Paul McCartney and his wife have split up. The article said that Paul's wife was upset that Paul was getting so much press while she wasn't getting any. Howard also read that Paul didn't sign a pre-nup with her and he's worth over a billion dollars. Howard said he wonders who he'll go after next. Robin said he hopes it's her. Howard told her to go after him then.
Howard asked Artie if he would get a pre-nup with Dana if they get married. Artie said that he's already discussed it with her and she volunteered to sign one.
Jon Hein said that they'll be talking about John Stamos' visit today. John Daly's visit will also be one of the subjects on The Wrap Up Show. Jon said they'll also be talking about how odd it was that Howard let John Daly light up a cigarette in the studio. Howard said he thought it would be more relaxing for Daly so that's why he let him do it. Jon said they'll also talk about Eric the Midget's call today.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loves the show and the whole SIRIUS service. He also said that John Daly said something funny during his interview when Howard asked him about wearing Knickers. He said Daly said that he ''...can't wear nig*ers.'' Howard thinks that's just because his accent comes out with a word like that.
Steve the Intern said they'll be talking to their newest intern who is Penny Crone's son. He's Scott the Engineer's intern right now. Howard asked Steve if it's really Penny's grandson, not her son. Steve said that Howard said that, not him.
Will said that he didn't kick her off the team, he just told her to show up and play if she wants to. He said that she just bitches and moans and he can't take it. Penny said that he told her she was off the team but Will said he was kidding.
Penny told Will that he's mean and she will never play for him again. Howard told Penny to calm down but she was very upset and told Will that he's very mean. She said she just wants to be liked. Howard didn't believe that she was for real. Her face was dry, there were no tears according to Howard. He asked her if she was this upset when FOX fired her. She said she as and she knows that Howard will be the next one to fire her.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in making crying noises. Penny said that everyone thinks this is a joke but it's not a joke to her. Her son was in the studio so Howard spent some time talking to him. He was saying that having her as a mother is pretty tough.
Howard asked the kid if it was cool having Penny as his mother. He said that it was kind of cool because she is a bit of a local celebrity. Howard asked Penny if she ever caught her son whacking off. She said she's never caught him doing that. Even her son was telling her that she shouldn't be playing softball.
Will told Penny that ''Just like FOX, we replaced you with a younger, hotter chick...'' that didn't go over too well but there was a lot of laughter.
Tabitha said that her movie clips had to be taken off of her web site because it was found to be too violent. Howard said he doesn't think that's why they took it down. Gary got Eric on the phone a short time later so he told him he had his dream come true. He asked Eric if he wanted a piece of that. Eric said that he's not sure he would want something like that to be public.
Howard asked Eric if he's ever had sex or a hand job. Eric said ''no'' to both of those. Tabitha asked him what his problem was. Eric said that he's a little embarrassed. He said that when it happens he doesn't want it to be in the spotlight. Howard said that's not what he's thinking. He wants to send Eric and Tabitha to a hotel room to do it and hear it on the phone.
Gary said that Eric has outlived his projected life and he should take a gamble and just go for it because you never know what might happen. Tabitha said she's ready to go so Howard asked Eric to tell her what he would do to her. Eric said he's not going to do that on the air. Howard said he doesn't know what he's going to do with him.
Artie and Howard went into their Eric the Midget impressions and tried to get things going. Howard asked Eric if he wanted a hand job. Tabitha was willing to do it. He told Eric that she's a pro so she knows what she's doing. Tabitha said that she would have a lot of saliva on her hand and she would have a lot of twisting wrist action going on as well.
Eric was silent as Tabitha was explaining the stuff. He said he just doesn't want it to happen that way. Robin asked him if he's even close to having it happen at all. Eric said he doesn't know. Howard asked him one last time if he would enjoy a liaison with Tabitha or not. Eric said he has passed on all of the other porn star offers from the show and he's going to pass on this one as well. Howard said he was absolutely shocked by that.
Howard said that he tried, he thought he had a home run for him. He told Eric to go back to beating off. Eric said ''Bye for now...'' and got off the phone. Howard thanked Tabitha for being so generous with her time. He also said that he was willing to help Eric out by putting his foot on Eric's ass to get him rocking on her. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that the Whoopi Goldberg note was kind of bothering him. He thought about what she wrote and wondered what she said that lost her work. Robin and Artie told him that she did lose an endorsement deal because of some comments she made about President Bush. Howard said that when you have an endorsement deal, you can't do or say anything outrageous. Artie said that's the case except with rap stars. He pointed out that Snoop Dogg had a deal with Chrysler and many other rappers have endorsement deals with other companies and it's a double standard.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to comment on the Whoopi thing. They spent a little more time talking about that and Artie took some of the blame for joking about her because he made a comment about how she's going to get the chance to suck at something else when she starts doing her radio show. Artie said he thinks that she's a good actress but he didn't really dig her stand-up.
Howard brought up the Hulk Hogan show and how he's trying to get in on the whole home grill thing like George Forman is. That led to the guys talking about how great those George Forman grills are. Howard has one, Gary has two and Artie said he got two as gifts one year. He said he never opened them and ended up giving them away. Howard told the guys to let Robin get to her news, otherwise they'd be there all day long.
During the news Artie said he had a story for the guys and it was about Joey G from the Sopranos. He said he wasn't sure if he should tell them what was going on or not. Gary told him to go ahead and let them know. Artie said that he was invited to Joey's place on Sunday night because he has a ''big week'' this week on The Sopranos. Artie was taking that as meaning he was going to get killed off on the show but the guys weren't sure if that was the case or not.
Gary came in with some ''breaking'' news about David Spade and Heather Locklear. They've apparently split up and Heather was seen out with Garry Shandling after the break up. Howard said that David wasn't going to stay with her anyway so it's probably no big deal for him. Robin wrapped up her news after that but the guys spent a short time talking about John Stamos. Artie didn't know that he was banging Denise Richards at any time so that blew him away when he heard that he was. Howard said that John is to women what Scores dancers are to them. Robin said that's true and when she looks at him she doesn't know what to do and almost feels like laying down on the floor and spreading for him. Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started off the show talking about staying up to watch American Idol last night. He said that Elliot Yamin is out. He also brought up the fact that Jon Hein has a pool going in the office there about who might show up as a celebrity guest on the show. He said that most of the people are celebs who might be on because of the shows they appear on. Ralph was in the pool and had Hugh Jackman and he made an appearance but he was back stage, not in the audience. Now Ralph is pissed that he didn't win.
Jon came in and said that Hugh wasn't even back stage live, it was a pre-taped segment that he did with Rebecca Romijn. He said that it clearly wasn't live last night. Everyone was surprised that Todd Bridges was the guest in the audience last night and no one won because of that. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that he has a couple of people from ''The O.C.'' and others have people from other FOX shows. Howard said that if anyone had picked Roseanne, they could have won some big money.
Howard said he heard that Benjy might have some kind of illness that someone told him about. Benjy said he's heard that it could be diabetes but he just had his blood checked recently and he's fine. Gary asked Benjy what's on his schedule for today's meals. Benjy said he's having four eggs for breakfast, that's it.
Benjy gave Howard a rundown of what he had yesterday for lunch. He told the guys that he had 8 eggs in the studio for breakfast. Then he went out to lunch and had a salad with chicken and sunflower seeds on it. He went and worked out after that and then had another salad for dinner. Howard found that hard to believe. Benjy said he also had a couple of bowls of cereal with soy milk.
Gary asked Benjy where he thinks he's going wrong. Howard and Fred said it's the 8 eggs that he's eating. Benjy also said that he can just keep eating and eating and he does that with pasta and things like that once in a while. Artie said he's seen Benjy go nuts eating and he can really pack it in when he finds something he likes.
Howard told Benjy that he eats his breakfast and lunch there and doesn't eat after that. Benjy told the guys that he's up to 252 pounds right now. He only goes back and forth by about 2 pounds or so. Howard wanted to cut the whole conversation out of the show and not even play it in the reruns because it's not that interesting.
Gary asked Howard if he believes the numbers that they were talking about on American Idol. Howard said he thinks they're true. Artie said he feels like Ralph might be getting screwed with this whole pool thing. Howard said he thinks that those guys are going to have Ralph on their ass for months with that whole thing.
Robin's assistant, Carrie, came in and said that this is nonsense. She said that Robin's booth is so small that they can only fit one person in there so they can't let people in there while she's doing her thing. Howard said that maybe they could have done things in a different way. Carrie agreed and said that they could have explained it better to the interns. Howard said that Carrie sounds like Bush's press secretary trying to explain this stuff.
Robin said that she never told Carrie not to keep people out of the booth. Howard said that she's just doing her job. Artie said that Carrie looked like she was going to beaten later.
Howard played another clip where one of the new interns, Shannon, rates the staff. Howard had Gary bring her in so he could talk to her while he played the clip. He asked her how old she thought Jon Hein was. She said she doesn't really know but took a guess that he was 43-44. Jon said he's 38.
Gary came in and said that there's another pool going on where the In Demand guys are guessing which t-shirt Jon is going to wear each day. Brian Phelan won $40 yesterday when he picked the right shirt.
Howard played the clip where Shannon rated the staff and said that she would never date anyone on the show. When asked about Jon Hein she said that ''he's old'' and gave him a 4 rating. Jon told Howard that he was driving home from the softball game yesterday, which they won, when he heard the show. He mentioned that Ross Zapin got hurt when he tripped and fell during the game. Howard got back to the audio clip and Shannon said that Jason seems like he has a hot girlfriend and gave him a rating of 3 or 4.
Howard asked Shannon if she had to have sex with Jon or Jason, which one would she go with. She picked Jon because Jason might crush her. Howard played more of the audio where Steve asked her about Richard. She gave him a 4 as well. Howard thought he was going to be at least a 5. Jon said that he thinks that Richard is better looking him. Shannon said she'd still stick with having sex with Jon out of those three guys.
Howard said he liked the answers that Shannon was giving, she was being very honest. Steve asked Shannon about Will Murray. She gave him an 8 1/2. That led to the guys talking about how Will is up near the top now that KC is gone. Howard said he yearns for the days when KC was there because it would knock the other guys down a few notches. In the audio clip Shannon gave JD a 7 rating because she had no idea who he was. Howard told him to stay hidden from her if he wants to keep that number up.
JD came in and Shannon said that she'd still give him a 6 or 7. Howard told JD to leave so they could get the right number. She was still saying that he was better looking than Jon Hein though. Howard warned Shannon that JD will probably try to contact her on Myspace since she gave him such a high number.
Shannon was asked about Ronnie on the Intern Show and she said that he's an interesting guy. Howard asked her if she would be with Jon or Ronnie if she had to pick out of the two. She went with Ronnie. She though that Ronnie was only 45 years old. Howard told her that he's older than that. Artie told her that he was born in 45 or 46. Ronnie came in yelling at Artie asking him ''What's your problem?'' He asked Shannon what she thinks of Artie. She said that he looks like he's about 43 or so. Artie is only 38.
Gary told Howard to go to another clip where Shannon answers some sex questions. A phone caller asked her if she gets involved with any dildo stuff. Howard interrupted and asked Shannon what she thought of Steve the intern. She said that he's cute and about an 8 on her scale. Gary said that she and some of the other interns went out to dinner last night. Shannon said they just went out for drinks last night. Penny Crone's son was telling her that he's in love with her already.
Penny Crone's son Travis, who is now an intern there, came in and said that he spent $80 on dinner last night and she was trashing him. Ronnie said that this kid was right on her as soon as he came in. He was also saying that the guys at In Demand were asking what kind of rating Shannon would give herself. Howard said that it's a 10. She said that she thinks she's an 8 or 8.5. She doesn't think she's anything special. Penny's son said she's really cute to him. Ronnie told Shannon to remember who her mother-in-law would be if she dated and eventually married him.
Howard finished up the clip where Shannon talks about her sex life and how easy she can get laid. He played another clip where Scott the Engineer's intern Travis talked about being intimidated by him. Howard asked Shannon to rate him but she didn't know who he was. Howard had Scott come in after that so she could check him out. She gave him a 3 or 3 1/2. He would even lose to Jon Hein.
Scott told Howard to play the clip where Travis trashes Ronnie. He played that clip and he really bashed him. He said that he just sits around, watches and listens to the show and eats. He said he's not intimidated by him at all. Howard wrapped up with those guys and welcomed them to the show. They learned that Jon Hein is better looking than Scott the Engineer.
Howard played Bubba the Love Sponge's rap song that they played the other day. He also played the re-cut version with Crazy Alice audio clips thrown in.
Howard also had a new song parody with Pat O'Brien clips in ''I Wanna Rock'' since Dee Snider was supposed to be coming in this morning. He played a bunch of Riley Martin song parodies as well. He had a new one that was to the tune of Billy Joel's ''We Didn't Start The Fire'' with many Riley audio clips in there. He said that one must have been tough to put together.
Howard played a new ''Ask the Retards'' bit where a woman asked them about how to prepare for anal sex so she doesn't get hurt. Wendy and Gary the Retards argued with each other instead of answering her question. Wendy told Gary that you can't get AIDS from having sex in the ass but Gary knew better and called her a retard. The two of them really went at each other quite a bit. Howard went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard asked Gary to talk about the upcoming Artie Roast. Gary said the roast is on and they're going to be recording it at night. They will shoot it from 6pm-10pm and everyone will be drinking. Artie thinks that the audience would get nuts if they were drinking so Howard figures they're not going to allow them to drink.
Howard said he's more worried about the rest of the guys on the show drinking, not the audience. Gary said they'll have Bob Levy as the host. Nick DiPaolo, Jim Florentine, Jeffry Ross, Shuli, Sal, Dice Clay and Colin Quinn will all be part of the roast. Artie was writing down the names so he could start writing his jokes about them.
Gary told Howard that they're doing the roast in the studio so they probably have 25 seats to give out. He said that they have to make it very special so they can't just give them out to everyone who asks. Howard said the roast should be pretty edgy. Gary said it's taking place on June 8th.
Howard said that he sent John Stamos a nice e-mail about his appearance on the show yesterday. He got a note back from John who said that he's so screwed from that interview. Denise Richards isn't too thrilled about what he was saying on the show. Howard didn't think he did anything that bad.
Howard took a call from a guy who thanked Howard for yesterday's show because it was so entertaining. Howard talked about how John Daly was sitting back and just hanging out during his interview. He said that it was a good interview and it should make for a great TV show. The caller thought that Artie was fishing for a compliment about quitting coke during the interview but he didn't get it.
Lisa told Howard that Penny Crone came in crying about being kicked off the softball team and the team ended up winning yesterday. The score was 9-3 and they were playing some corporation. Lisa said that they'll be talking about the restaurant that spilled beer on Beth and didn't apologize or give her a discount on her meal.
Lisa said they're supposed to have Elegant Elliot Offen on the show today so they'll be talking about that on today's News. Howard said he'd like to talk to him about the accident he was involved with but he freaks out when he brings it up. Lisa said she used to see Elliot out jogging in a tutu before she knew who he was and thought it was just some crazy guy running around.
Howard said that there were a couple of guys who were supposed to show up this morning to bang Siobhan the Transsexual but only Siobhan showed up.
Some people were upset about Artie calling Mariann from Brooklyn the C-word. Artie apologized for that, he knew that it was wrong. Some people thought that Artie was way out of line for doing that. Mariann was on the phone and said that she doesn't want an apology, she wants to be on the roast. Howard said that he already put her on the list but Gary didn't mention her earlier. Mariann said that she's working on her roast already and she can't wait. Howard told Gary to put her name on the list.
Howard read some more e-mail and one guy wrote in about Shakira's ass and how great it was that Howard mentioned that web site yesterday. That led to Howard talking about a video he saw on the web where Paris Hilton and her boyfriend were walking down the street commenting on Lindsay Lohan. Paris was just giggling and laughing as her boyfriend was goofing on Lindsay. He wasn't sure if the tape would work on radio, it was a visual thing. The site that had the video was TMZ.com. Howard said you have to see Paris' face, that's what makes the video.
In the clip the guy talks about Lindsay's pussy smelling and about her freckles and things like that. You can hear Paris laughing her ass off as he's making the comments. Howard said the tape goes on for 2 and a half minutes and it's pretty brutal. Howard said that the boyfriend is a fat tub-of-lard guy and he's the son of an oil mogul so he doesn't work, he just goes out and parties all the time. He let the audio clip play and the guy just kept bad mouthing Lindsay more and more. He even said that because Lindsay is only worth about $7 million, she's ''really, really poor.''
Howard said that at least Lindsay makes her own money. This guy would have no clue as to how to make money, his father made it all for his family. Howard finished up the clip and said that Paris' boyfriend is just an asshole, the kind of person that he just hates. Artie said that Paris is just a famous embarrassment, that's it.
Howard changed subjects and brought up Paul McCartney's upcoming divorce and how he'll probably lose half of his billion dollars to his ex because he didn't have a pre-nup. Howard said he talked to Paul about that when he was on the show and he'd love to play the audio from that but he doesn't own the tapes.
Howard said that he thought the CBS lawsuit against him was the slimiest thing he's ever seen and he doesn't forgive that easily. He said that he would never literally shit in someone's food or confront someone in a physical way but he would never give up his table. Howard said that he would probably say a few words to Les if he ran into him somewhere. He would call him a monster and an animal and tell him he's just as bad as Hitler. He might even offer Hitler a table before he would give it to Les. Howard said if he was Mel, he wouldn't just smile and offer up his table.
Howard thought that Mel was on his side in that whole thing and he would have a hard time accepting any explanation for giving Les the table. Robin said she would like to hear Mel's side of that story because the news sometimes gets things wrong. Howard said that if the lawsuit gets settled and put behind them, he still wouldn't give Les a table.
Howard said he knows that the paper can get things wrong because they just reported that he had lunch with Rosie O'Donnell when he actually just ran into her at a restaurant.
Howard read some mail about the incident that Beth had at a Sushi restaurant recently. He also got some feedback about John Stamos and John Daly's appearances on the show yesterday. There were some people who complained about Ralph being on the show yesterday. Howard thought he was very good with John Stamos but the fans really don't like him. Someone said that they think Howard has been very angry since Beth went away to do some work. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard read a story about a the new Superman and the rumor is that the budget was $300 million but the studio is saying that it's only $200 million. There are people saying that the special effects in the movie could have pushed it over $300 million because it's so expensive to do these days. He said that there aren't any big stars other than Kevin Spacey in the film either so the budget is really high for a movie like that. He said he knows that movies are expensive to create. His movie cost about $25 million to do. Artie said that his movie, Beer League (coming out September 13th) cost $2.8 million to make.
Howard talked more about not being able to forgive people as easy as some people can. He said that there was a woman who forgave Dr. Mengela for what he did in Nazi Germany. Robin forgave her father for what he did to her as a child but Howard can't forgive Les Moonves for what he's doing to him.
Gary said that he remembers when Howard had the guys from the Black Crowes on the show performing ''Jealous Again'' acoustically when they were doing a show from the Grammys out in Los Angeles and the next morning every other radio program there was doing the same thing.
Howard said he feels like he should get credit for starting the whole thing with bands playing live and acoustic on radio shows but he'll never get that. Gary said that they work in a business where they can't copyright their ideas so they get used by others all the time.
Howard played an acoustic version of Billy Squire's ''The Stroke'' that wasn't too bad. Gary said that was the only song on the album that was actually ''different'' than the original. Howard played another song from the album where Jane Weidland sang an old Go-Gos song. That was another good one. Howard played a little bit of Heart's ''These Dreams'' and then some of Tommy Tutone's ''867-5309.'' Howard said he kind of liked that one. The Motels' ''Only the Lonely'' was on there so Howard played that one was well. The Outfield's ''Your Love'' was another one that he played. Artie was trying to remember the name of the band, it should have come to him quick but it took him a minute to figure out that it was The Outfield.
Howard said that maybe he should do an acoustic version of ''Tortured Man.'' Artie said that they should do some other Losers songs acoustically. They could call it ''Losers Unplugged.'' Robin asked if they would bring Jackie back for that. Howard and Fred both quickly said ''No'' to that question.
Fred picked up a guitar and Howard sang some ''Every Homo'' acoustically (Actually a Backside Boys song). Howard said he could do it if he had the lyrics. He talked up the song as if he was doing an Unplugged show. It sounded like he was ready to do a whole show of acoustic songs.
Howard got his lyrics for ''Every Homo'' so he and Fred went right into that. Fred played guitar and did some backup singing. It sounded like they had rehearsed the song before. Robin thought it was ''nice'' after they finished up. Fred did a great job on guitar as well. It wasn't even a guitar song, it was more of a keyboard song. Gary said that he was actually in on the backup singing. Fred wasn't aware that it was him who was helping them out.
Fred started to play ''Spirit in the Sky'' but Howard didn't have the lyrics for that either. He sang what he knew but it was just a couple of lines that he kept repeating. Artie tried to help him out and kick started the lyrics a little bit.
Howard took a couple of calls from people who thought they sounded great just picking up a guitar and playing. Gary said that the CD, ''80's Hits Stripped,'' comes out on May 30th. Another phone caller told Howard that the acoustic thing is great and they have to do that more often. Howard said that he should do a whole concert series and go on tour. He said he'd probably have to go from house to house to do the tour though.
Howard said that if he does a concert, he should dress up like David Bowie used to. Another caller told Howard that the song he had performed was the best. It sounded amazing. Robin's singing in the background was great according to that caller. Robin said that she's never been invited to join The Losers so Howard let her know that he never saw any talent there, she doesn't know any instruments.
Fred was going to play some of ''The Gay Way'' since that was another song that Howard sang with the Backside Boys. Howard thought that he might want to save that for the concert but he went into it anyway. Fred played the guitar again and Howard sang ''The Gay Way.'' Howard stopped after a minute and said they'll have to work that one out.
Gary told Howard that they had to get to Elliot Offen since he was waiting outside of the building. He's no longer allowed inside the building because they got so many complaints about him the last time he was in the building.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Mel Karmazin story that Howard mentioned earlier. He thinks that Mel giving Les a table was like giving a big F-you to the audience. Howard said he's not even sure if the story is true or not.
Howard said that he was trying to beat off last night so he had to rush through that to get to watching American Idol. He said he was watching a Gina Lynn porn and the guy was banging her for a good hour or so. He figures that guys who can last that long must be kind of gay or something.
Benjy told Jon that he also has a mole on his back that he might want to check. Jon said that he was eating a lot of sugar filled things and was losing weight so that's how he discovered that he was diabetic. Howard told Artie that he should get checked out as well.
Jon went ahead with his blood test by pricking Benjy's finger. Benjy was at 104 which was ''perfect'' according to Jon. Artie said that he cut his finger this morning so he already had blood there to test. Jon popped out another test strip and had to prick Artie's finger because the wound he had was already scabbed over. Jon said that Artie was at 135 but he was worse off than Benjy. Artie said he had just had about 17 Cokes, that's why it was so high. Artie said that he cut himself on his razor this morning, that's where the cut came from.
Artie said that he was in the bathroom yesterday when Howard played Sal's song parody to the tune of ''Photograph'' that was really angry. He said that was pretty intense. Howard played that song for everyone to hear. Sal sings about wanting to ''snap that bitch's neck'' and things like that. He's a very angry person.
Gary said that they were talking about Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View talking about how she doesn't like sex to be a surprise so she needs some warning before doing it. They were talking about that off the air when Sal said that her husband must have to jerk off into a towel. That's what Sal has to do with his wife. Howard played the clip of Elisabeth talking about that stuff and he feels bad for her husband. He can understand that she doesn't want to stink for her husband but she should be taking a bath every day so she doesn't smell.
Gary said that they still have Siobhan sitting in the green room waiting for the guy to show up to bang her. Howard said he didn't want her there because he wanted to make sure he had a guy there for her first.
Howard played another prank call that Richard made to a public access show. He asked the guy what he thinks of ghost fucking and got hung up on. Gary said another guy actually ended his show early because of the prank calls. Howard played that one and some other calls that Richard and Sal have made to other shows. He went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard said that he got a lot of feedback about him turning down Tabitha Stevens yesterday. Eric said he got a lot of feedback from people on Myspace as well. Eric said that he can't do stuff like that because his parents are paying for the place he's living in and he can't do anything that his parents might not like. Howard told him that his parents would probably want him to get laid so maybe he should go to his father and talk to him about it.
Howard said that even if he did do it, his parents might just leave him there, they don't want him back at their lake house. Howard asked Eric what he wanted because he has to get to a bunch of other stuff. He didn't give him a chance to answer, he played a bit that Sal and Richard put together where they had Eric and Tabitha meeting for the first time and doing it. Sal was playing Eric and Richard was Tabitha. He had Tabitha pissing on his face which shorted out his powered wheelchair.
After the bit Eric was silent. He said that's not the way it would go because he wouldn't want the peeing thing. Robin asked Eric if he's ever laughed. She laughed her ass off at his answer because it was supposed to be a funny bit but Eric didn't find it amusing in any way. He just thought it wasn't realistic.
Eric said that he sent an e-mail where he outlines the reasons he doesn't want anything to do with the Wack Pack. He marked names with a star for the people he wanted nothing to do with. Gary said that they bailed out about halfway through the page. There are names like Beetlejuice, Elliot Offen, Daniel Carver, Blue Iris and others that he doesn't want to be associated with but there were others that he wouldn't mind. He was okay with Crackhead Bob. Howard cut Gary off and said he had to move along. He told Eric to just accept that he's in the Wack Pack. Eric gave one of his ''Nooo'' answers.
Howard told Eric that he does his impression of him all day long. He and Ralph call each other and make noises like Eric has as a goof. He asked him if he wanted him to send some pictures of Tabitha Stevens so he can show them to his father. Eric said that would be fine and said ''Bye for now... '' as his sign off.
Howard said they got a couple of voice mails from people about Artie calling Mariann from Brooklyn the C-word. Jeff the Drunk called in and told him he should apologize but Howard pointed out that Jeff calls every woman that he sees a name. Artie thinks that Jeff has other problems with him, that's why he's calling in to complain about him. Jeff said that Mariann has never liked Artie and saw something sinister in him.
Crazy Alice called in and also went off on Artie in her voice mail. Alice went off on Artie and said that Mariann is such a nice woman and he shouldn't be calling her names like that.
Elliot told Howard that they have to get some new headphones because the ones he was using were horrible. He then went right into his plugs and mentioned this guy Steve Plimm who is his manager right now. He said that the guy is going to has him under contract right now. He gave out his phone number and said that he will give everyone all of the details they need to put him in projects. Elliot said that his manager is going to hook him up with KC's boss so they can create some t-shirts and put his video out.
Howard tried to talk to Elliot but he just keeps talking about what he wants to talk about. Howard asked him about the accident he was in but Elliot wasn't done talking about his video ''Violet Dehumanizes Elliot'' so he just kept rolling along with that. He said that his girlfriend Violet is into doing kinky things. Howard asked him about having her crap in his mouth but Elliot said that he would have gotten locked up if he had shown that. He said that she has already peed in his throat but he had to leave that out of his video.
Elliot said that he would do anything for Violet and he would swallow her defecation or her urine. Howard doesn't believe that he would do it but Elliot said that he's brain dead if he doesn't believe it. Gary came in and asked why Elliot has stopped dressing like a woman, he almost looks like a normal guy today. Elliot said that he always dresses like a woman. He was explaining that but not making much sense.
Elliot said that he doesn't answer to Howard so he has no right to ask him about all of that stuff. Howard tried to ask him about his accident again but Elliot wanted to talk about his 13 felony convictions instead. Elliot said that he already told Mike Piazza that the case has been closed already. Howard asked him if it's hard for him to sleep at night. Elliot said that it was a tragedy and a nightmare and he wanted to move on.
Howard asked Elliot if he would be willing to bang Siobhan the Transsexual. Elliot said that he wouldn't want to do that and even if he did, it wouldn't help him from losing the money he's losing by working there. He told Howard that he did a $30 million robbery one time and explained how he was able to pull that off. He was giving the details abut Howard cut him off and asked him who he would get to play him in the movie version. Elliot was all over the place so Howard told him that he wasn't communicating the story very well.
Elliot went off on Howard but got back to his story and explained how he was able to scam $30 million worth of merchandise. He eventually got caught though so Howard told him he's not that smart. Elliot said that he didn't get caught for 15 years. Elliot told Howard how he turned the merchandise into cash.
Howard didn't know what he was talking about and Gary thought that Elliot was a bit off today because he wasn't very interesting. Elliot then went off on Gary about his teeth and stuff like that. Howard tried to wrap up with Elliot but he was still going off on Gary calling him names and saying that he looks like the last shit he took. Gary wanted to know what was going on down there on the street. It looked like people were just walking past him and not even paying attention to him.
Elliot was going off on Howard saying that he had been fired from K-Rock and that he was going to lose all of his money to Les Moonves. He was also threatening to sue Howard for slander if he kept saying stuff about him. Howard wondered what he said but even Elliot didn't seem to know what he said.
Howard wanted Elliot to stop and just give his plug. Elliot then thanked Howard and got in a plug for his movie ''Violet Dehumanizes Elliot.'' He had this guy Arnold from the Funny Store who actually sells the video at his store. He thanked Howard for plugging the video because they've sold a lot of copies. He said they've had to restock the shelves six times now. Elliot told Howard a few more details about the video and then wished Howard luck and ripped off his headphones.
Howard said that was quite an appearance but Artie said that he was getting put to sleep with that discussion about his crime. Howard would like to talk to the real Elliot some day but he never lets him get there.
Howard asked Dee what's going on with him lately. Dee said he's going to be doing a show on SIRIUS from 9-Midnight on Sunday nights called Fangoria Radio. It'll be on Channel 120 when it starts airing. Robin said that Richard Christy is into horror movies so he and Dee might get along. Dee said that he was talking to him out in the hall earlier. That led to Dee talking about the more recent horror movies that he's seen. He said that he saw ''Saw'' and liked that but he's old school and likes the older stuff. He doesn't get a thrill from the newer stuff like he does from the old movies.
Richard came in and said that he's a huge horror movie fan. Howard cut him off and said that he had another voice mail from Richard's dad where he talks about a new chicken that they adopted after finding him walking around the yard. They thought he was so dumb that they decided to call it ''shithead.'' Richard said that those stories remind him of being home so he told his dad to keep calling him with those stories.
Richard said that he and his dad used to talk about that stuff when he was home. Howard asked Dee if he knew that Richard was in a big metal band called Iced Earth. Dee said he was aware of the band but he didn't know them personally. Richard claims he never got laid the whole time he was in the band even though they were pretty huge. Dee said that's because the audience was all dudes.
Dee asked Howard if he has stopped dumping in front of his woman like he suggested years ago. Howard said he doesn't do that in front of Beth. Beth hardly ever goes to the bathroom so he never sees that. He said he's walked by and heard her peeing but never taking a shit. Howard said he's actually concerned because she goes so infrequently.
Howard and Dee spent a few minutes talking about farting and doing things like that in front of their women. Howard said he has farted in front of Beth but Dee said that his wife will punch him if he does that. He said that he grew up in a house where farting was an art and his father would go into a pose and rip one in front of them.
Howard got back to Richard playing in a huge band and was unable to get laid. Dee told Howard that when he used to do heavy metal shows in Europe, there were a lot of dudes in the audience and not many chicks. Richard said that other guys in the band were getting girls but he was playing drums and didn't get any.
Scott the Engineer came in and said that his son is playing in a band over in Europe and he's gotten laid after just four days. Richard said that he had dudes come on to him but not many chicks. Howard wondered how Scott knows that his son got laid. He created a phone call between Scott and his son and tried to figure out what that call must have been like.
Dee said that there are guys in bands who will take quality over quantity and maybe that's what Richard did. That led to the guys talking about Richard's current girlfriend who used to be an intern on the show. Richard said he had to thank Howard and Beth for giving him the makeover he got. He's also been dieting and going to the gym to get into shape. Howard heard that the guy she was dating before is kind of upset that Richard is dating her now. He was also a former intern.
Jason came in and said that he heard that Richard asked this girl out the day that she broke up with the guy. Richard said that wasn't true. It was a few weeks at least. Howard asked Richard if he was still wearing his Simpson's underwear. Richard pulled down his pants and showed him he was. Dee told him that the brown goes in the back. Howard told Dee that Richard got waxed there in the studio one time and wanted to play some of the sounds that Richard made but he wasn't able to find them. Fred had one sound so he played that for Dee.
Gary came in and said he has a bio for Richard's girlfriend because she was in an Intern Beauty Pageant one time. He said that she can run a 5 minute mile, she's willing to try anything in bed, her dream job was to work for Jillian Barberie. The guys asked Richard if she really is up for anything in bed. He said he guesses she is but didn't sound so sure. Gary said it sounds like she's up for quite a bit of stuff after reading the bio.
Fred had some more sounds from Richard's waxing where he was screaming and complaining about the alcohol burning when the woman poured that on him.
Howard asked Dee about this story he started to tell earlier about dating a 15 year old (now his wife) when he was 21. Dee said that his father didn't understand it until he brought her home. He said that her family was connected too and he could have gotten Howard whacked back when Howard used to talk about how he wanted to bang her. Dee said that he was threatened by her family back then and didn't touch her for quite a while.
Robin asked Dee if he would let his daughter date someone like that. He said there's no way that would happen. He also told the guys that the family really did threaten him and it was a pretty scary thing for him. He said that she was almost 17 by the time he started to bang her. He said it was about a year from the time he started dating her to the time he finally got her. Howard found it hard to believe that he waited that long.
Howard told Dee that it was a pretty ballsy move to date a 15 year old. Dee said that she didn't look 15 at the time. Howard said that he can understand it because his wife is a really good looking chick.
Howard was going to play the Gossip Game so he asked Dee to hang around for that. Dee said that would make him feel like he's back in with him now. Dee also asked if they could plug the March of Dimes motorcycle ride he's going to be part of soon. Howard said that people can find out more information on his web site DeeSnider.com. That led to Howard talking to Dee about riding motorcycles and when he got into that. Dee said he bought a bike about 7 years ago and he fell in love with riding on the street. He used to ride dirt bikes back when he was a kid. Fred still rides so the two of them told Howard how great it feels to ride.
Dee said that he's picking up a new bike today and it's a Von Dutch chopper that he had made for him. He told Fred to come out riding with him this weekend and he could ride up front with him. Artie and Howard were talking about how they know guys who have crashed motorcycles and got hurt really bad. Artie said that his father actually got hurt while riding. Dee said that 90 percent of the accidents are not motorcyclists fault, it's usually the drivers of the cars that hit or pull out in front of them.
Howard had to go to break a short time later. He said that he was going to come back and play the Gossip Game with Mike Walker. Dee said that the stuff he did to get his wife, when she was 15, is illegal now. He said he stalked her back then and still ended up marrying her.
Ralph called in and asked why people would sponsor Dee while he's riding a motorcycle. He can't imagine that because most people either walk or ride a bicycle and work for the sponsors in charity events like that. Howard had to go to commercial a short time later.
Siobhan was brought up so Fred was doing his impression of her. Jon was hoping that Both Fred (as Siobhan) and Siobhan would show up on The Wrap Up Show today. Fred kept going with his impression and goofed on her for a short time. Howard thanked those guys for their previews and said that it's quite a team they've put together. Dee said that it's amazing how much the show has changed over the years.
Howard wanted the guys to bring in Siobhan the Transsexual so they could talk to her about the two guys that failed to show up. Gary told Howard that he had one of the guys on the phone. The guy said that he had car trouble this morning and wasn't able to make it in this morning. The guy said he wouldn't have called in if he was lying about it. He wanted one more chance but Gary didn't want to give it to him. Gary said that the guy told them that he was on his way two times this morning. He even said that Gary spoke to his father about it when he called. Howard said he would give him one more chance on Monday.
Howard got the guy on the phone who said that he couldn't make it this morning. That guy told Siobhan that he had to go to the methadone clinic this morning but they opened late so he had to go there later. He said he'll definitely make it there on Monday though.
Howard asked Siobhan to show off her new pussy to Dee. She pulled down her panties and showed it to the guys while Fred was playing the music from ''Psycho.'' Howard asked her what the hell that is down there and no one was sure. That led to the guys talking to her about how that thing down there is a wound and the body is always trying to heal it. Siobhan has to put a stent in there to keep it open.
Siobhan asked the guy how she knows that he doesn't have any diseases if he's on methadone. The guy said he was just tested recently and he is clean. Howard asked Siobhan about her clitoris and where that's at. She said that it's there but it's under the skin. Howard noticed that Dee was remaining silent through all of this. Dee was just taking it all in.
Howard said he thinks that he'll be able to get this guy to come in on Monday. Dee wondered how they picked him. Howard said there was no choice, they took the guy who called in and volunteered to bang her. The guys got to see Siobhan's breasts but Howard sounded kind of grossed out by it. Benjy's said that if you just look at the nipple, it doesn't look so bad. Howard didn't want to look, it was a dude's nipple.
Siobhan was asking the guy on the phone how big his penis is. The guy said that it's probably about 5 or 6 inches and about as big around as a cigar. Siobhan wondered if it was going to be all droopy from the methadone. Howard told her she doesn't have much of a choice in all of this. He told her that she can't fit much of anything in there because it's just a big, open hole. He said he was going to take a look in there, turned on his echo and took a look around. Then he tried to find his lost watch in there. There was some traffic, a train and Jackie's dead cat Timmy walking around inside the hole.
The caller asked Siobhan if she still stinks down there. She said that it smells like a fine aged cheese. She said that she has to douche it once in a while but not that often. Howard said that if this guy drops a load inside of her, he's going to have to ladle it out. Siobhan said that she would have him lick it out.
Gary said that when they were back at K-Rock they had Siobhan on the show to show them how she pleasures herself and both he and Jason caught a whiff of something from down there and it was pretty bad. He said it's kind of like one of those puddles of water where mosquitos are born. Howard went back in with the echo on and found mosquitos flying around inside her fake pussy.
Siobhan asked Howard why he can't hook her up with a porn star like he was trying to do with Eric the Midget. Howard said that she's a hard sell and he can't hook her up with a porn star. That's when Richard and Sal came in and said that they would be willing to finger and smell Siobhan for a certain amount of money. Howard told him he was about to vomit when he heard that. The guys were wondering why Sal and Richard had to wear gloves. Richard said he didn't want her juices on him but then said that it was for her safety.
Howard told the guy to hold on so they could try and set him up for Monday. He was also saying he's not sure he wants to see Sal and Richard sniffing Siobhan's pussy. He said that was making him sick. Howard asked her if she thinks it smells. She said that she asked her gynecologist if it smelled down there and she was told it was fine.
Howard wasn't going to pay the guys to do the fingering so he said they had to do it on their own. Richard said that he wanted safety goggles just in case she squirted or something. She said that she might pee on him. Siobhan seemed kind of happy that it was Richard who was going to do the fingering.
Richard told Siobhan that she had to guide his finger in there because he wasn't going to look. Howard said that this was just vile as it was going on. He refused to look while Richard was going in. There was a lot of ''Ooos and Ahhhs'' coming from everyone as it was happening. They had to put some lube in there before putting Richard's finger in there.
There was a lot of yelling and screaming all of a sudden. Then Sal got on mic and started dry heaving. He said he couldn't smell it because he was so grossed out. Richard made him smell it because he did promise to do it. Richard hit his nose and Sal ended up puking. Richard then chased him out of the room with the glove. Howard and Artie were telling Richard to stay on his side, they didn't want to smell it.
Richard said that he couldn't even describe what he felt. He said that it was like putting his hand in a muddy crawdad hole. Siobhan had grabbed Richard and wouldn't let him go while his finger was in there. She really liked it but Richard said that it was like sticking his finger in mud. He hadn't smelled it yet so Howard told him to go ahead and do it. Richard took a whiff and dry heaved. He said that it smells like when he sweats and runs his fingers along his balls and sniffs it. Sal came back in and said that it smells like ass, vagina and the bottom of a garbage pail all together.
Richard asked Sal if he wanted to smell it again. Sal said there was no way he was going to do that again. Howard told Siobhan that with that kind of commercial they're sure to find someone to screw her. Dee told Richard that if there's someone he dislikes in the building, he should leave the glove in their drawer. Howard said they really can't do that.
Howard said he turned his head at one time and saw that Siobhan's vagina is in the wrong place. It's too high on the front of her. He said it was really hard core stuff. It weakened him and he was barely able to go on. Dee asked if that was worse than when Buck Angel rode the Sybian. Dee said he was on the show that day and followed her ride on the Sybian.
Gary said that Doug Goodstein came in and asked ''what's next?'' Even he was shocked by that. Howard said that Robin really had to get to her news. Fred was missing so Howard said that he probably walked out because he was so offended by what just went on. Fred came back a short time later and said he was just in the bathroom and not protesting the show or anything like that. Robin got into her news after that.
Robin brought up a story about the bulldog that was involved in a mauling with a couple of other dogs recently and how the dog is going to be put down. Robin also read a story about a bear that was being put to sleep after it wandered into a residential area. That led to Howard talking about how he thinks Dee once ate Lion at a place that served exotic game. Dee didn't remember that but he does remember eating mako shark that he caught himself. Howard said he was more upset about the bulldog being put to sleep than he was about the bear.
Howard said he may have some interesting stories on Monday. He's supposed to see Pam Anderson this weekend. He hasn't been able to get in touch with her to set something up but it may happen. John Stamos was also supposed to get together with him but he's catching shit for the interview he did yesterday so he may not go out with him.
Artie is heading out to L.A. To do The Best Damn Sports Show and the Jimmy Kimmel Show. Howard gave Dee another plug for his upcoming Fangoria show that starts on June 25th on channel 120. Dee had no idea what channel 120 was, neither did Howard. Gary said it's actually ESPN radio.
Howard played the acoustic version of ''Every Homo'' from earlier in the morning and Dee told him that he thinks he's found his ''thing'' with that. Howard wrapped up the show and said that Artie will be on Jimmy Kimmel's show tomorrow night. Artie said he's also taping The Best Damn Sports Show but that won't air until Tuesday night. Artie said he's also going to be going to one meeting while he's out there.
Howard said that Artie could be getting his hand job from Jessica Hahn while he's out there but Artie said he won't be doing that now that he's back with Dana. Howard thinks that things are still screwed up with Dana but Artie said things are just fine. Howard said he really had to get out of there, it was almost noon. Robin said she was supposed to be out of there already, she had a baseball game to go to. Artie had given her his tickets so she was ready to get going.
Gary came in and told Robin that Mike Piazza from Howard 100 News had told him that the bulldog case was still up in the air and there's another court date so the dog may not be put down.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that she wanted to see Artie but Artie said that there's no chance he's going to see her while he's out there. Howard ended the show around 11:50am.
Howard was out today so Jon Hein, Gary Dell'Abate and Ralph were in to play clips. Jon Hein started things off with Howard's first day at WNBC. He said it wasn't quite the first day so Gary explained that there was some controversy there at NBC back then so they kind of gave Howard an audition doing an overnight show. Howard and Fred did a show from midnight to 4am as the test. He said that Howard went on as a gay character called Lance Eluction. They never broke character in that four hour show either.
Jon played the clip and you hear Howard doing his gay character and talking about the fun taking place after the brass go to sleep from the station. Fred came in as 'Bob' and Howard did some gargling over some of the songs that he was playing. He kept talking about how they could do just about anything they wanted since their bosses were asleep.
Jon said that it was 1982 when Howard and Fred were doing that stuff so it was kind of crazy for the time. Gary said that a lot of people called NBC back then and the NBC brass weren't listening that night. Gary talked about the bad music that Howard was playing back then. He and Jon were also talking about how Howard may have been doing the gay character to get back at the bosses for telling him that he needed to do characters while working there.
After listening to the clip the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about poor Scott who has been followed by that cloud for so long. Jon said they'd have Scott in but they don't want his black cloud to spoil their show.
Jon said that Crystal was hooked when Artie called in. Gary said he was surprised that she didn't know that the whole idea of the Sybian was to get off on it. Jon said she was kind of clueless about a lot of stuff. He went to commercial break a short time later.
In the clip Howard asked Angie about David being bi-sexual and got her to reveal that she caught David in bed with Mick Jagger one time.
Jon said that may have been the most memorable Joan Rivers daytime talk show clip ever. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about how big the news was back then when it was revealed. Gary was reading some notes about the controversy back then and how Angie had just gotten over a 10 year settlement where she was getting $750,000 a year from Bowie after divorcing him.
Ralph had another clip where Howard was talking about some porno he was watching and Fred was playing a bunch of sound effects during the discussion. Howard was describing what was going on in the video and Fred threw in clips of spitting and snoring sounds.
Ralph said he loves when Fred ''paints'' like he does with the sound effects. Jon said that they were also amazed at the way Fred picked up the guitar yesterday and played the live, acoustic version of the song that Howard sang. They talked about how great Fred just picked up the guitar and started playing ''Every Homo'' like he had been playing it for a while. Jon played a clip of that song so everyone could hear what he was talking about.
Jon said that with Robin and Gary singing the harmonies out of nowhere, that's what makes the show great. Gary said that when they were in London doing the show about 15 years ago, they did a great cover of Crossroads and Fred did an amazing guitar solo without anyone knowing it was him.
Jon asked if Howard would really go out and do a tour like he talked about doing yesterday. Gary said he might have that thought at that moment but getting Howard out on stage would be tough.
In the clip Robin brought up Ted Kennedy's name and both Howard and Artie went into their impressions and goofed on the guy for quite a while, even after Robin was done with the story.
Jon said that it's amazing how Robin just keeps plowing through her news while Howard is doing his thing. Gary said that the character is fun to do so a bunch of people in the office were doing the ''Err-ahh'' lines.
Jon asked Richard about yesterday's segment where he stuck a finger in Siobhan. Richard said that he's still in shock over the whole thing. He didn't realize what he was doing until his finger was actually inside of Siobhan. Jon had to go to break right after that.
Jon moved on to the Caller of the Week segment. He said that they have two nominees for the caller of the week this week. The first caller was Coach Mike who had a thermometer that he wanted to talk about... a vaginal thermometer.
Jon said that they had another great call when Jim Belushi was on the show. A guy who Jim had arrested one time called in and talked about how he was cornered by Jim's dogs and a naked Jim Belushi. Richard tried playing the clip but they had the wrong one pulled.
Jon had the guys play Mark the Bagger's first appearance on the show to kill some time while Richard tried to find the right caller of the week clip.
Gary said that Jimmy Pop from the Bloodhound Gang is a huge fan of Howard's show and it was like he was dropping this great gift in front of his god's feet. Jon had to go to break after that.
Gary set up what was going on back then talking about how there was a huge hurricane hitting the coast back then and Howard had no idea that they were going to be fired that day. Gary thought that they weren't going to go to work because of the hurricane. He said that no one else was going to work but Howard had this crazy work ethic and figured he had to be at work.
Jon played the WNBC audio where you hear Howard talking to someone in the studio talking about how Soupy Sales had gotten a network deal there WNBC. Howard didn't believe it but Gary confirmed the story to him. Howard threatened to quit when he heard that. He called his boss to find out if it was true because he wanted to quit if it was.
Howard got a hold of John Hayes who told Howard that Soupy didn't have a deal as far as he knew. Howard had John swearing that he didn't know anything about this deal. He also told John that if they did hire Soupy, he was out of there. He said that they were all going to walk out of there if the story was true. Howard said that he's got ratings while Soupy wasn't getting any.
Howard tried to call some other people to find out if the stories were true but he wasn't able to get anyone on the line. He threatened to walk out not knowing that he was going to be fired that day. He was even telling his audience that it might be his last day because he was going to quit, still not knowing that he was going to be fired. He signed off saying he wasn't sure if he was coming back the next Monday or not.
Jon and the guys said that was it for Howard on WNBC. The guys said that it was weird how Howard was saying he wasn't coming back and he didn't know that he was going to be fired that day. Ralph also picked up on the rotary phone dialing sounds that could be heard in the clip. Gary said that Robin was a big instigator that day too.
Jon said that it unfolded like that pretty much the way they played it. Jon said they had to edit it down a little bit but it pretty much ran the way we heard it. Gary told the guys that they went home and the next day everyone was at a party for their friend Al. Everyone was getting along just fine that weekend. Then Gary went into work on Monday morning and was told to make sure that Howard and Robin went down to this office for a meeting. Howard was on crutches at the time because he had sprained his ankle. He was also saying that all three of them, Howard, Robin and Fred all came into work in the same car each morning. He said they had to squish into the back of the car.
Gary remembers asking Robin to sign some pictures and she threw them out of the way and told him ''fuck the pictures.'' She had been fired by John Hayes while Howard was fired by Randy Baumgarten. Gary said that Howard was very relaxed at the time and told everyone that they had been fired. Then Howard's agent showed up with a bottle of champagne and Dixie cups saying that this was the greatest day of their lives. He told them not to be upset.
Gary said that they stood outside the building waiting for their car to come back so they could head home and people were walking by asking what was going on. That's when they learned that they had been fired. Gary said WNBC also made an announcement that they had severed their ties with Howard Stern over ''conceptual differences.''
Gary said that he was only making $150 a week back then so he had nothing to lose if Howard lost his job. He figures that John Hayes wanted them out of there from day one when he started there. When Howard left the station they really went down hill and the station eventually went under. Jon had to wrap up and go to another commercial break.
Jon moved on to a Page 69 story where they talked about Artie having a problem getting out of a car. He played a clip where Howard played the Page 69 clip and then talked about Artie's weight gain and trouble getting in and out of vehicles.
Jon said that another conversation that went on in the studio was one where Fred talked about losing his virginity. That led to the guys talking to Fred about why he doesn't chime in on some of the conversations they have in the studio.
After playing that clip the guys talked about how much more talkative Fred has been lately and how they actually learned something during that discussion. Gary said that he figured that Fred must have had some great stories that he wasn't sharing with them about his sexual conquests but it turns out he really didn't.
Jon said that Alice is great and can turn it on and off within seconds. Gary said that she's been with the show for a long time and she used to come in the studio but she hasn't been in for a while. Jon had to take another commercial break after that.
After that Jon had an old WNBC clip from 1984 where Howard and the crew played ''Match Game 1984.'' They pulled one where Jackie the Joke Man Martling played the part of Gary Burgoff from MASH while Robin was Brett Summers. Janie the Cleaning Lady played herself and someone played Minnie Pearl but even Gary wasn't sure who played that part. Howard was playing the host Gene Rayburn Jr. Someone was also playing the part of Lou Ferrigno and Richard Dawson.
In the clip Howard tried to get a couple of listeners to play the game with them. He had to play music during the show so there were a couple of breaks in the clip. Howard played the game where he gives the players a term that they have to fill in. The first one was ''blank-Quat.'' Of course the answer was ''Cum'' which had everyone giggling like school children.
Jon said that he loves being able to go through those old tapes and listening to them. He said that it sounded like some of the people on the show may have been drunk back then. Gary said that the FCC didn't mess with them back then and they hadn't caught on to double entendre at that point so Howard and the crew were going wild.
Erica Phillips was back with another news update after that. Jon went to break after Erica's quick preview.
Jon asked if they ever came to a resolution on that. Gary said that they never did figure out what went on with those e-mails. Sal wasn't in the studio so the guys spent a short time talking about that. Richard thinks that Sal hated that conversation so much that he left the studio.
Richard said that he did some song parodies to the tune of ''Born in the USA'' but they didn't really have anything to do with what they've been doing on the show lately. The first one was ''Bukkake in your face.'' The next one was ''I Love to Defecate.'' Gary said that Richard was just making the songs up and sending them to him.
Jon said that those bits worked when they were played in a series. Gary asked if they though that they should have been rejected or not. Ralph said he thought the second one was kind of funny but they should be played in series if they do get played on the show.
Richard said that he and Sal also did a Star and Buc Wild bit. They played that bit which was the ''Star Urinary Discipline Service.'' It had to do with this DJ who was fired after threatening to piss on a competitor's 4 year old daughter's face. Sal was back in the studio during that clip. Ralph said that bit was a bit of a stretch and it was kind of topical so it didn't really stand up. Richard said they made it the day that the story was in the news though. The guys had to take another break after that.
Jon and Ralph talked about how much they got out of that clip and how Eric is such an ungrateful person. After that Eric did a show on Howard 101 and Howard played clips the next day. Jon played some of that audio where Eric and Brian Dunkleman were talking about American Idol.
The guys talked about how funny Eric is when it comes to talking about the American Idol stuff. Jon said that a few days later Eric decided to call it quits after hearing from people through his Myspace account. He played the audio where Howard played Eric's voice mail where he said he was never going to call in again. Everyone knew that he wasn't done with the show and he'd eventually come back.
Gary said that Eric has no ability to brush off any joke calls that he gets or anything like that. Ralph said that Eric is very astute and nothing gets by him. Gary said that's why he thinks he should let that stuff go and not get so pissed. Jon had another clip where Eric went off on Will for something he didn't even do. Howard also read Eric's Myspace blog during that clip.
Ralph said he likes that Eric's voice never changes from when he's pissed or when he's not pissed. Will was also in to say that he had nothing to do with screening the calls on Eric's show that night he did his show but Eric thought that he had. Will said that Eric has forgiven him but he and Howard still have issues to work out.
Jon played a clip where Eric gave the conditions for coming back on the show. He basically demanded that they take away everything funny. Jon said that they're not sure what's going on with Eric now that American Idol is coming to an end this season. Gary wondered if they'll hear less from him during the summer since American Idol won't be on. Jon said that he's welcome on their show anytime.
Gary said that he wishes that Eric would just listen to them when they offer him stuff. He called him a piece of shit one second and the next he was saying he doesn't hate the guy. Jon said that Eric is great on the show and you'd think that they'd hear some thanks from him after everything they've done for him. Ralph said that maybe they should thank Eric too because he adds to much to the show. Gary gave Eric a thank you so Gary and Jon also gave thanks to the little guy. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Gary if Dennis is a dream guest for the show. Ralph said that it would be great if he came in and talked about banging all of those women while he was actually banging them. The guys spent a few seconds on that and then wrapped up the show at around 10:25am.