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Howard started off the show saying that he's a little under the weather but he is there. He started to get sick last Thursday and then got a high fever and had the sweats over the weekend. He said he'll try to do the show today but if he can't make it, he'll just put Jon Hein and Gary on to do the Wrap Up Show a little early. He said this might be the worst he's had ever. Its' been a nightmare for him but he figured he'd give it a try and do the show today. Artie told him he should have just stayed home.
Howard said that the lawsuit from CBS last week was causing him a lot of stress and that didn't help. He went on to talk about how so many news reporters are saying that the CBS case has no leg to stand on. He started to go off on Les Moonves after bringing up an article that was in the NY Post on Sunday. He was about to talk about that but his voice was giving out and he wasn't able to get any hot water. He asked Gary to get on that so Jason came in a short time later with the water.
The guys heard that Sal was going nuts that he wasn't invited to that event and he wrote a letter to Gary asking about why he wasn't invited. Artie thinks that Sal might be out of his mind if he's serious about that. Sal came in a short time later and said that he got a call from some ''Jew friends'' who asked him if he went to the Bat Mitzvah. Sal said he didn't even hear that there was one and he was embarrassed that he works with the guy and doesn't know that. Howard told Sal that he's the person he would never invite to a family function. He's hung around his daughter before and it's really creepy.
Howard told Sal that he's gay about that stuff. Sal said that his Jewish friends love to gossip. He was still amazed that he didn't get invited to the event over the weekend. Howard said he was going to tell Sal that he had invited everyone but him to the event just to freak him out. Robin was the only one from work to be invited though.
Sal told Howard that his friends had a lot of details about the Bat Mitzvah but the details were wrong according to Howard. Sal said that Howard embarrassed him by not telling him about this event because he should have at least known about it. Sal thinks that his boss should invite him to his family events because that would happen if he was working somewhere else. Howard told Sal that he will not invite him to anything.
Robin said that she heard the Howard 100 News report where Sal was talking about how great it would have been to have gone to Howard's apartment to retrieve his jizz tissues. Gary came in and said that Sal was saying that he would have gone through all of his stuff if he had gotten into his apartment. Sal said that would have made for a great On Demand show. Howard said it won't become a TV show because he wouldn't allow them to go up there with a camera.
Howard told Sal that his apartment isn't all that special like Sal thinks it is. He said it's pretty average actually. Sal said that he'd still like to see it though. Jessica Hahn called in and filled in Howard a little more about what Sal was saying on Howard 100 News about how he wanted to rifle through his drawers and stuff. She also told Howard that he should go home if he's that sick this morning. She thinks the fans would understand if he did go home.
Howard told Sal that he should stop thinking about what he does so much and don't rely on other people on the show to define who he is. Sal was upset that Howard said that he was never going to invite him to anything. Howard told him that he will never do that because even his shrink has told him that they can never be friends. Sal said that he's the only one who cares about going to those events and Howard is the one who didn't invite him. Howard told him he cares to much and there's something wrong with him.
Artie said that most people are terrified to be invited to a co-worker's family function. Howard said that Sal would have just watched him the whole night and then reported back to everyone what he saw. He wondered what Sal would not do for him. He said that if they had asked Sal to convert to become a Jew, he probably would have done that.
Richard came in and said that Sal was upset that Howard didn't show up to their sexual harassment class they had last week. Richard told Howard about that meeting and said that they had a video to watch about harassment. While they were talking about that Howard got back to Les Moonves.
Howard read an article about how there's going to be an IPO for CBS Radio and this is the worst time for the company to do that. Howard also heard that Les sold off a bunch of his stock before their losses were announced but he's not sure if that's true or not. He said he has to look into that a little more.
The article talks about Les letting Howard rant and rave for 14 months before he left the company and how ridiculous their lawsuit is. Howard said that they should have fired him if they didn't want him talking about his move to satellite. They let him talk about it for 14 months and now they're suing him over it. Howard said that he thinks that the lawsuit is directed at Mel Karmazin because Les is so jealous of the guy. He didn't even mention Mel's name in the lawsuit and he thinks he did that because he's Mel's bitch.
Howard said that Les will never make it to the top of the company, Tom Freston will. He got back to the article he was reading and the author makes some good points about the lawsuit and how crazy that is. Howard said that those guys never acknowledged him while he was working there. He said he's been up against assholes like Les Moonves before and he will win in court. That article is just what CBS doesn't need.
Henry Rollins was also asked about the lawsuit. Rollins said he thinks the case is bullshit and it's just a vengeful suit. He didn't think that Howard was overly hyping the SIRIUS show when he was on air. He thought that Howard was just talking about what he was doing next in his career. His fans weren't unaware of the move even if Howard wasn't talking about it. Garver also asked Rollins who he thinks is the biggest a-hole in Hollywood. Rollins doesn't know many people in Hollywood so he didn't have an answer. Garver also asked him about President Bush so Rollins went off on him a little bit about getting so many of our soldiers killed over in Iraq. Rollins was also asked if he has watched gay porn. Rollins said that he has seen it but it was just a bunch of guys taking their clothes off.
Howard said that this is just one more asshole battle for him. He's been through other asshole lawsuits in the past so he'll deal with it. He went on to say that Les and his buddy Steve Lehrman probably came up with this case. He said that he's going to give his own stock advice. He said ''don't buy'' and then corrected that to ''Beware'' of that CBS stock.
Howard said he thinks that Les is F'd and we're going to see him fail in the next few months. He's going to be putting the spotlight on Les himself so everyone will see what he's all about. Howard said that Les should be concentrating on the radio division instead of suing him. He said that's some CEO there.
Artie asked Howard if he's spoken to Vinnie Favale from CBS. Howard hasn't heard from him and Robin said that came up last Friday. She said that there's no way Vinnie is calling in now that this is going on. Robin asked if Howard could go on David Letterman's show after all of this. He said that people really hate Les and he's getting contacted by Producers, Directors, talent... They all hate him.
Howard had another Gary Garver interview. Garver asked actor Richard Kind about what he thinks about the case. Richard thinks it's bullshit. Kind also said that he has played poker with Les and Les has taken a lot of money from him. Richard sounded surprised that Garver was doing the interview for Howard and laughed when he was told it was for the show. Howard said that he's getting a lot of support over this whole case and he really appreciates that.
Howard said that he should have brought another shirt with him because he's sweating through the one he's wearing. He said that they're doing the Wack Pack Revelations today. They have a bunch of other things to get to today as well.
Jason said that his mother called him after hearing him talking about this thing on Friday. He said that she didn't appreciate him talking about it on the air so he had them cut that part out. Howard said that there are too many shows about this show and by the time they get to talk about this stuff, it's already over.
Richard came in and told Howard that he's moving into Will and Jason's apartment and he spent about 10 minutes brushing Jason's back hair off the futon he bought from him. Richard said that he was living with Dan the Song Parody Man for a month and he would always find 2 foot long hairs all over the place. He mentioned that he shared a towel with him and had a bunch of his hair in his underwear. Richard also said that Dan cooked him a meat loaf one time and he pulled a really long hair out of that.
Richard asked Jason to show the guys his back hair. Jason lifted up his shirt and everyone was shocked by how much he had on there. Howard asked Artie if he's that hairy. Artie said that he may not be quite that hairy. Ronnie the Limo Driver is really hairy and they used to cut commercial messages into the hair on his back.
Howard mentioned that they have a Wack Pack Show on tonight at 8pm. He figures it won't go well so it should be a one time thing. Tomorrow night is the Miserable Men show with Bob Levy and Shuli.
Gary came in and told Howard that Richard has some scratches on his neck and when he asked him about it this morning, Richard said he got drunk and didn't remember where they came from. Richard said he got pretty loaded this weekend and stopped remembering stuff eventually. He went to Brooklyn to his favorite bar. He said he used to go there even before he lived in New York. He took the subway home and when he does that, sometimes he passes out and sleeps. He has missed his stop a few times.
The guys spent some time talking about how good Phillip Seymore Hoffman was on the show. Howard said he really liked that guy in ''Along Came Polly'' which wasn't that great of a movie. He said there were some funny parts in the movie though.
Gary told Howard he had a clip of Serena Williams he might want to play. He played that clip and Serena called Phillip Seymore Hoffman ''Phillip Seamen Hoffmore.'' Howard also played a clip of Joan Rivers screwing up people's names on the red carpet. Lee Majors came walking down and she had no idea who he was. Gary said that he has to go back and pull audio of Joan and Melissa screwing up names when they did the ''Private Parts'' premiere. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about the Oscars. Richard and Howard liked the bit that Ben Stiller did on the Oscars. Robin said she liked the Wilson brother's bit too.
Howard said that playing music behind everyone as they were giving their speeches was a big mistake. He also thought that Charlize Theron looked like she had another head on her body with the dress she was wearing. Howard had more to talk about with Artie but he had to take a break first.
Gary said that Howard has to get Tim in there to talk about Eric the Midget because he was ready to wrap his wheelchair around his neck. Howard had Eric on the phone a few seconds later. He told Eric that nobody cares about him, nobody would ever give him a show except his dumb channels. He said that Tim calls him enough and he should stop requesting more attention. He said that he's like an endless vortex of need.
Eric told Howard that he needs to know all of the details about going down to do the radio show he's supposed to do. He was worried about working this stuff out but Howard told him that they will make it work. Tim Sabean came in and said that he's done talking to this guy and he's out of his mind. Tim told Howard that he got a voice mail from Eric on Saturday and the guy is being a pain in the ass. He knows that the show is going to bomb and he's really done dealing with Eric the Actor.
Howard heard that Eric is now ''Eric the Idol Expert'' on his Myspace account. Howard told Eric that might be the gayest name he's ever heard. He tried to explain it to Eric but gave up a short time into it. He told him he's fine with that. Tim said that Eric's show is supposed to air on Wednesday night and if he doesn't show up, he's going to fly out there and strangle him. Eric said that he needs the details of where the studio is that he needs to show up at. Tim told Eric to put together a whole list of everything he needs to know so they can talk to him today at around Noon.
Tim told Howard that he's the one who actually told Double A that he could have his own show there so that's where the Wack Pack Show came from. Howard told Tim that he's the boss of the channels so he's the one who puts on the programs. Tim said that he will question anything Howard says from now on.
Lisa G said that maybe they should investigate the people who have pitched ideas to Tim. She also said that they have a new feature tonight called ''Page 69'' that Jason and Will have put together. They'll also get to the Leather Weather Lady report they were supposed to do last week. Howard let Lisa go after that.
Gary said that he and Artie were sitting with Steve Shirippa and Beth and Uncle Junior from The Sopranos. Gary said that Artie turned to him at one point and said it would be great if Howard called and canceled the show today so they could stay up and drink. Howard figured that if he did call the show off, those guys could still come in and do the show without him.
Artie said that he took Dana to the party and they're kind of back together now. Howard asked him how the date went. Artie said that he didn't have sex with her since they got back together. They were apart for about a month and a half or so. Artie said that there was some kissing going on though. He said that the gift bag they got was really cool and Dana was making out with that.
Gary said that there was some cool stuff in the gift bag and he even got some Everlast boxing gloves that his kids can use. Lori told the guys that everyone gets a Netflix account that they can use for a year for free. Howard said that Ralph got him that as a gift but he hasn't used it once. There are a bunch of gifts in the basket that people have to call and request. Howard said that Beth won't do that so those gifts go to waste. Lori said that those things are great but you have to call to get them.
Howard told Lori she sounds kind of like that chick on ''Friends'' who dated Chandler. He asked her to say ''Chandler Bing'' to see how much she sounded like her. She sounds very much like her actually. Gary told Howard about some of the guests who were there and a lot of them were people who were popular back in the 80's. Gary said that he spoke to Kurt Loder, Richard Belzer, Fran Drescher and Billy Baldwin among others.
Gary said that every time Dana had to go to the bathroom, three people had to stand up to let her out. Lori was looking for tables for people last night so when they'd stand up, she'd ask them if they were leaving. She was looking to seat Billy Baldwin at one point. Howard asked her why they don't get a bigger place. Lori said that they like to keep it intimate and that's why they keep it small.
Gary said that Lori looked good last night and dropped some weight since the last time he saw her. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Lori. He checked out some pictures of her and said she does look good. Howard wondered if Gary got the ''good'' gift basket or the lesser one. Gary said he got whatever he got and it was fine. Howard gave Lori a plug and said that she works for Flying Television and she puts together those parties.
Howard wondered if Gary and Artie got the same gift basket. Artie thinks he did get the exact same thing that Gary got. Gary said he thinks that he may have gotten a lesser basket than some people did. Howard said that there were probably people at the party who wanted to see Gary just as much as people wanted to see model Iman and people like that.
Howard said that Dolly Parton looked a little strange on the show last night. Gary said that her face did look a little odd last night and she appears to have become Asian with her face pulled back to tight. Howard said that Ben Stiller was funny, Dolly Parton must be near 80 but Fred said that she's only 60. Howard said that he wouldn't do her these days. Artie said that you can always get through banging an ugly chick if she's got huge tits though. He said it gives you something to concentrate on. Howard agreed with him and said that's the key to banging ugly chicks. He said you just concentrate on one good looking part of the woman and look at it while you're banging her. He said you just focus on that and go.
Howard said that Sandra Bullock looked horrible last night and said that her makeup looked bad. He admits that he's not one to pick apart people's looks looking the way he does. Howard interrupted that and saw that King of All Blacks had gotten another show and wondered how that made it on the air. Howard said that Mutt is doing a great job on the Super Fan Roundtable show that airs on Thursday night. The Intern show is on Wednesday. They also talked about the Friday Show and how hard Ralph is actually working on that show. Gary said that Ralph has a lot of input on that show and it's kind of jarring because he's never been so involved. Artie said that Ralph got into a screaming match after the show last week and that will air on Howard 100 News because they're the ones who recorded it.
The guys gave Howard a note about something that appeared on The Drudge Report about how Les Moonves and Joel Hollander were on Howard's show, just weeks before it ended, telling him how great the move to satellite was going to be. Howard said that Les has no idea how to motivate the radio division and he's probably going to have Joel Hollander take the fall for that. Les is just a program director and Howard says that's all he can do. He said that he's a lightweight and all of this stuff is going to come crumbling down in the next few months.
Howard read more of the Drudge Report article and said that they have audio up on the site so people can hear Les and Joel talking to Howard about his move. Howard said that this is going to bring Les down and if people think he's kidding, they should just listen over the next few weeks.
Howard read another article about how bad CBS is doing in the business right now. He said that Les isn't listening to anyone and he really thinks that he's a CEO when he's really just an actor playing the part of a CEO. Howard played an audio clip of some Wack Pack members giving them some feedback about the CBS lawsuit. Wendy the Retard, Jeff the Drunk, Daniel Carver and Eric the Midget all chimed in and gave their thoughts on the ridiculous lawsuit. Howard said that Eric the Legal Expert sounded pretty good in that clip defending him. He said the whole thing is all so silly. He knows that Les is going to bring himself down by doing this. He also said that Joel is the biggest lightweight on the planet and he's probably going to take the fall as well.
Howard talked about Les and Joel sit in meetings with their ridiculous tans and fake teeth just slurping at the teeth and acting all smug... He said that his lawyer told him it wasn't a good idea to even meet with those two before the lawsuit came down. Howard said he really hopes this whole thing backfires on them. Robin said she can't imagine it not backfiring on them. Howard said that his next book should be called ''Les Moonves is an asshole'' or it should have at least one chapter with that title. He said that Les has the same shitty attitude that Pig Virus (Pat Metheney) had when he was working at WNBC. The guy has no clue what he's doing and has no business sitting in the CEO chair.
Robin figures that CBS Radio will go the same direction of NBC radio. Howard said he guarantees it will, and the person who buys up those radio stations is the one who is going to make out in the deal. Les has no ability to run a company and this lawsuit is just the beginning to show how it won't work. Howard said he can't wait to see Les go down and then called him a ''prick ass'' which didn't even make sense to him. He said he's just throwing words together now.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about Les and Joel. Howard thinks that both of them are going to be out of a job soon and we may be surprised by who goes first. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Les is spending the stockholder's money on this case and he doesn't even think about that before filing the suit. Howard moved on to the Wack Pack after that. He said that Double A is drunk off his ass and has been out in the hall complaining while he's been there.
King of All Blacks came in wearing a mink coat and looking thinner. King said that he lost 42 pounds. High Pitch was there and hasn't lost a pound but Eric said that he has lost a pound. Eric said that he weighs about 290 pounds but Gary told him to step on the scale to prove it. Howard couldn't get over the noise coming from the wireless microphones. Someone was also breathing heavy and all fingers were pointing at High Pitch. King of All Blacks said that Eric was doing that out in the hallway. Double A said that he's been dealing with Eric all week like that.
Double A was drunk on Kettle One and orange juice. He showed Howard his new tattoo of the Howard Fist logo. Howard heard that Double A was complaining about not being able to get through on the phones. Double A said he's tired of hearing interns telling him that they don't have enough phone lines and kicking him off. Double A's mouth was all dry so he was making all kinds of weird noises and slurring his words.
Eric mentioned that he got to drive Double A's truck one time and he ended up in a snow bank. Eric doesn't even have a driver's license. He never took driving lessons. Howard said they should take him out into the desert and let him drive so they can see how he does. Howard then said that they have to have him take a real driving course to see how he does.
King of All Blacks said that he's been going to Weight Watchers and that's how he lost the 42 pounds. He said he's very focused and he's been concentrating on the dieting. He's done that in 16 weeks. He goes to the meetings every week and talks to the group about how he's been doing. King told Double A that he's losing his hair and goofed on him about that. Then he picked on him about the yellow gold he was wearing. He said that yellow gold is over and Platinum is in now. Double A was bragging about his diamonds and gold but King wasn't impressed. Double A went off on him about the shoes he was wearing but King bragged about his $9,000 mink coat. King also let Howard know that he just lost his 43 year old brother to cancer. That's one of the reasons that he's losing weight.
Double A gave King a ''Wah, wahhh'' over his brother story. The two of them got back into their arguments about the clothes, shoes and jewelry they wear. Howard had to cut them off so he could move on to some other people. Howard asked Eric and Double A what their Wack Pack show is going to be about. Double A said that they're going to bring some regular people into the Wack Pack world and take phone calls and stuff like that. Eric said that they're going to continue to drink all day so they're drunk tonight.
Howard moved on to Kenneth Keith Kallenbach who was in to reveal his revelation. Kenneth is doing stand-up comedy these days. Gary said that they had him booked for next week to do some of that act so they had him do some of it today. Kenneth told a couple of jokes and said that he was told to watch his drinking, so now he drinks in front of the mirror. He had a couple of clunker jokes but he did get a few laughs from King of All Blacks. King had a joke of his own that didn't go over very well.
Howard said hello to Captain Janks who said that he loves that all of the Wack Packers hate each other. Nicole Bass was on the phone because she was in the hospital after suffering from pancreatitis. She said she got that after getting beat up by the cops a few years ago.
Howard moved on to the revelations and had Sal read them off to remind everyone what they were. Here they are...
Double A said that the mother of a friend of his was really hot and she had him watch her bang her husband. He said he watched her blow and jerk the guy off which freaked him out. He said that he had never had sex himself but he watched this chick do that every Friday for weeks. Robin asked him why he went back if it bothered him so much. He said that it just freaked him out. Howard cut him off trying to move on but Double A insisted on getting the story out.
Howard asked the guys if they believed this story at all. No one was believing it. Double A said that the woman's husband eventually got a job and then he showed up and there was no husband there. She was there naked so that's when he got to bang her. He said she told him that her husband wasn't there so she was going to do the same thing to him. He said that she went down on him and then he went down on her. He didn't get freaked out by it when he did it and started to look forward to it. He said that because of that, he treats girls like whores. The guys said that's because the girls he's with are whores. Howard said he wants to see all of these girls that are banging Double A. Artie said he does have hot chicks around him.
Double A's mouth was dry so he had while crap in there that was moving around according to Howard. Howard cut Double A off again and said that King is getting some man boobs now that he's losing weight. He wanted to move on to the next story but Double A insisted that he finish his story. He started to tell the story but it was going on too long and Howard cut him off and said he doesn't care. He said he's never heard a more mind numbing story. He said that people might as well turn off their SIRIUS radios when their show comes on tonight. Howard said they're going to force him to listen to FreeFM tonight.
King told Double A that the white stuff in his mouth made him look like he was eating flour. He also goofed on his jeans. Howard cut them off and had Sal read the next revelation which was ''I once put a wrapped cigar up my ass while having phone sex.'' That turned out to be Kenneth Keith. Ken told the guys how that happened about 15 years ago when he was having some phone sex with some woman. He said he even brought along some cigars this morning in case they wanted to see him do it again. Ken said that he was drunk when he did it. Howard told him that's very gay and he doesn't have to do that if he doesn't want to.
Captain Janks said that he talked to Ken about that a couple of weeks ago and told him that talking about that would be very gay. Janks also said that Ken told him a story about how he once chased around a German Sheppard trying to have sex with it. Ken said that it was his own dog and he was drunk. He also said that he's never actually had sex with a dog. Howard found that hard to believe.
Sal read the next revelation which was ''I once got drunk with a friend of the same sex and tongue kissed.'' Everyone knew that it was High Pitch Eric and they were right. Eric said that he went to sleep away camp when he was a little kid. Eric then said that when he was about 21 years old he and his friend got really drunk and they measured each other's penises. Eric said that his was bigger. His friend told him to close his eyes because he had a surprise for him. That's when he was kissed by the other guy. Howard said they have to try to get this guy in the studio to see how heinous he is. Howard found out that the guy even played with his penis and finished him off. Eric said that the guy didn't kiss his penis but he did kiss him on the face. Eric said that the guy kept pleasuring and measuring his penis, that's when he finished off. Eric is a big homo, that's what his revelation was.
Gary asked Eric if he's ever had any other gay experiences. Eric swears that he hasn't and Howard believed that because no man would want to touch him. He said that was the first good revelation of the morning. Eric said that he didn't finish off the other guy but he did play with his penis a little bit to get him hard for measuring.
Sal read the next one which was ''I once ripped off my blind neighbor. His uncle gave $200 but I gave the blind guy 2 $10 bills.'' The guys figured that it was King of All Blacks. Howard said that he couldn't live with himself if he ever did that. It turned out it was King and King said that he felt really bad after doing it. He said that he didn't even want to reveal that but it was a good revelation. King said that he bought glasses with the money because the glasses were $1,100 sunglasses. King said that this guy's uncle doesn't talk to him so he gave him the money to give to this blind guy. King said that he gave the blind guy two $20 bills instead of the two $100 bills that his uncle had given to him. Howard told him that maybe he should go give the guy his money now. King said that maybe he'll do that. They know it won't happen.
Howard told King that there are core values that define a human being. He said that honesty is his first value. King said that he was being honest by revealing this story. Howard asked him what his core values really are. King said that he knows that he's too materialistic and that's one of his problems. That eventually led to Double A and King of All Blacks going off on each other. Double A was calling him names and getting kind of racial when he said that he's a typical black guy ripping off the white man.
Howard wanted to move on with the final two revelations but King and Double A were still going off on each other. Double A was telling the guys that his mother won the lottery and she helped the family start a business which they sold a few years ago. Now Double A is retired and very proud of that.
Howard moved on to the next revelation which was ''When I was 18 a close family member put me on a plane to deliver 4 kilos of cocaine.'' Howard figured it was Janks but some of the other guys figured it was Nicole Bass. Howard also found out before that one that Captain Janks was the one who said ''I once made out with a former staff member's wife.'' Janks didn't say who it was but he did say that it was the wife of someone who was on the staff and sat in the studio with him every day. He said there was tongue when it happened and other people did see it happen. Janks said that he never said anything because he was afraid that he would never get on the show again. He said that Gary was standing there at the event they were at and he thought he saw the whole thing. Janks said it was at an event that they were at and it wasn't that long of a kiss. Howard said that would be the worst thing ever to find out that you wife made out with Captain Janks.
Nicole Bass was the one who was put on a plane with the 4 kilos of coke. She told the guys about how her mother was dying from cancer and how her family had gotten into selling drugs to make some money to pay for the medical bills. Howard said that Nicole is the last woman that you'd want to plant drugs on. Nicole said that she was playing the part of a pregnant woman and managed to get on the plane no problem. She had the four kilos taped to her and she was very nervous the whole time it was going on.
Nicole was getting a little long winded and Howard asked whose idea this was because no one really cares about any of this stuff. The guys said that they should have stopped after High Pitch Eric's revelation. Howard thanked everyone for coming in. The guys were still talking about Nicole and how she looks very manly and how she would be the last person you'd expect to believe was pregnant. Nicole said that she was only 18 at the time and she looked like a tall model back then.
Gary said that King wanted to talk to Artie real quick. King told Artie not to let any woman change him. He was referring to Dana asking him to go to therapy. King told him that he should get a woman that he can mold to his ways instead of the other way around. King said that he would kick her out if it was up to him. Howard let everyone get in their plugs for their stuff before going to commercial break.
Howard said that when he was in school he learned about racism because whether you're a black kid in a white school or a white kid in a black school, if you're the minority, you get your ass beat. He talked about how he got beat up back then and yet he doesn't believe he became racist because of that. Robin asked him if he gets shaky if he walks alone and sees black people walking toward him. He said he gets shaky when he sees any strangers walking toward him. Artie asked him if he gets a little more shaky when black guys walk toward him. Howard said he's a mess either way.
Jon Hein was in to give a preview of the upcoming Wrap Up Show today. Jon said that they'll be talking about the Oscar Party that Artie and Gary went to. They're going to have the Wack Packers come in to talk about what was going on when they were off the air. Jon said that they'll be talking about what would have happened if Howard didn't make it through the show today. Howard said that they should just have Jon do his thing with Gary if he's ever out sick.
Howard said that he knows that Beetlejuice's manager Sean is feeling better these days because he's started to write the hate mail again. He's apparently upset that Beetlejuice doesn't have his own radio show while all of those other Wack Packers do. Howard said that he was wishing that Sean would get better and it's obvious now that he's fine because he's sending in mail like that. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
At the end of the segment Tyra talks about how she would like to go undercover to help other people out. Howard suggested that they get her to go after Osama Bin Laden and had Gary take a quick note so he could send that to her. Howard also played another clip where Tyra was talking to a guy who was addicted to strip clubs and claimed he spent over $100,000 at strip clubs. Howard doesn't get what the big deal is. If guys want to go and talk to strange women who pretend to like them, let them do it.
Howard had to take a break during Robin's news because he was afraid he had to take a dump. He said he was hoping to wait until he got home but it looked like he wasn't able to hold it that long.
Neil also has to put catheters in guys so Artie told a story about having a catheter put in him one time and he almost punched the guy out who put it in. He said that he had overdosed and was really out of it until the guy put the thing in his dick. That snapped him right out of it. Artie said that the warned him that he might see blood in the days following the removal of the catheter. He said that it was the worst pain he's ever felt.
Howard found out that Neil can make $30 an hour as a nurse which is pretty good. Neil said that there's a lot of job security being a nurse too. He said that there is a lot of money to be made as a nurse when it comes to the overtime. Howard wrapped up with Neil and had Gary take him to continue his tour.
Gary told Howard that he asked his son the other day if he wanted to go to McDonalds. His son wants nothing to do with the place and it turns out his school showed an edited version of ''Supersize Me'' and it turned him off to McDonalds. The guys spent a couple of minutes on that before Robin got back to her news.
Howard asked Artie if he would take that catheter they were talking about or give Fred a hand job. Artie said he's not doing anything gay so he would rather take the catheter. He said that the story might change if a bunch of guys walked in with AK-47s but for now, he's sticking to that story.
Howard was wrapping up the show and ended up talking about the fever he's had all morning. He said he almost passed out during the Wack Pack Revelations staring at High Pitch Eric and Double A. That got the guys talking about Eric's revelation and how he was messing around with the other guy. Howard said he was about to throw up so he ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show singing a song along with his show opening tune that he couldn't remember the name of. Gary came in and told Howard he thought it as Crystal Water's ''Gypsy Woman, She's Homeless'' who sang the song. He told Fred to try and look it up to play it. Fred found the song and played it for Howard. Howard said that he's not sure why it's in his head because he knows it's a gay song.
Howard said that he still isn't feeling very good. He got hit last week and it won't go away. Robin said that Bubba is having the same problem and he's feeling like crap as well. She's wondering if he's having a sympathy illness toward Howard's.
Robin was on Bubba's show yesterday so she talked a little bit about that. She said she was asked who she would rather sleep with, Bubba or Brent Hatley. Robin said she picked Bubba over Brent because Bubba is the one who would get her attention. She said that she really wouldn't want to be with either one because they're not the greatest looking guys. Howard said that Bubba would probably make up for it when he goes down on her. They talked about how Bubba makes reference to making girls squirt and both Howard and Robin said that they're turned off by that.
Gary said that Artie is a guy's guy and he doesn't have to change for his friends, but Dana is asking him to go to therapy. Howard and Gary talked about Artie for a few minutes and Howard figured he must be on his way in. Howard said that Artie is being forced to choose between his old life and having a long term relationship with Dana. Ralph is the kind of guy who chose to have his own life and not to get married. Howard said that Ralph is happy without a regular woman in his life but some guys can't live like that.
Howard said he spoke to one reporter about the suit and told him that this is going to expose Les for what he really is. He was on WireImage.com recently and saw some pictures of Les at some event with his wife Julie Chen. He doesn't seem to care that CBS Radio is crumbling while he's in charge.
Howard said he'll be on the Hannity and Colmes show after the radio show today. He said he hasn't been able to shake this fever he's had for over 5 days now. His friend Pat called him and told him he should be going to the doctor to get checked out. Howard said he just lets the thing run it's course instead of going to the doctor. Robin said that's what she did and made it through just fine.
The caller said he knows that he's missing out on the swearing and stuff. Howard said that he's not swearing all that much himself but Artie is cursing up a storm. The caller said he heard that Fred had some issues with the sound board but Howard let him know that he's been getting better with that.
The caller brought up Fred's almost-breakup with his wife from many years ago when she was appearing in a play where she was getting dry humped every night. Fred said that they were close to breaking up at the time and had been for a while. That led to Howard asking Fred how he pulled that all together because he's never asked him about it.
Fred said that he was talking to Sam Simon about that and how marriage therapy isn't all that great. Fred said that you really have to be dedicated to that stuff to keep it all together. The caller brought up the commercial that Beth is in now. Robin had just seen it the other day and didn't realize she was in it. Howard said that she should make some good money from that commercial once the residuals start rolling in.
The caller asked Howard about his sex life with Beth so Howard spent a minute talking about that but he wanted to move on with the show. The caller asked to be put on hold so he could listen in. The guy wanted to listen for free so Howard told him to just go out and buy the radio already. Then the caller said that he heard that Robin has been acting more like a nig*** lately. He said that's what his friend has been telling him anyway. Howard told the guy that he's also become more ''kikie'' since they got there. Howard let that guy go and was about to take a break.
Robin said that the show ran well with Double A in charge but there really wasn't anything being said. She said that Jeff the Drunk was there yelling over everyone so they had to shut off his microphone especially when Tabitha Stevens called in.
Howard said he's been thinking about what to do with his channels there at SIRIUS. He said that one person told him that he bought SIRIUS because of him and nothing else. He doesn't want to hear the news or any of the other shows that air on there. He wants Howard to just rerun his show all day long because he has to get in and out of his car a few times a day. Howard said that's not the first time he's heard this. Robin said that's what she's been hearing from people as well. People just want to hear Howard's show.
Howard is trying to figure it all out so everyone is happy. He didn't want to just repeat his show but if that's what people want then that's what he may have to do. He thought that it would be too easy to just replay the shows but that seems to be what people want. Howard said he was trying to give people a full experience with the other shows but some people want more of a mystery with some of what goes on behind the scenes.
Howard said he hates listening back to his show so if he was listening to that all day, he'd go nuts thinking about what he could have done better. The fans seem to want the show all day long though so that may be what he has to do. He said he's not going to make any rash decisions. He went to break a short time later.
Howard played Wendy's voice mail where she's all stuffy and coughing into the phone as she told Howard she loves him. Howard remembered another call where she threw up into the phone. He asked Fred to find that.
A phone caller took a call from a guy who said that he went to see Jerry Seinfeld up in Boston recently and Jerry was bad mouthing Howard. The guy said that Jerry was asked about Howard and he said that the people who do the show are people who are having career problems and that the show is the last branch on the way down the tree. Howard said that's basically true and Jerry did the show back when he was having problems getting people to watch his TV show.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about Jerry's history with the show and how he stopped coming on after they made fun of him for being with a 17 year old girl. Gary said that Jerry never appreciated or enjoyed doing the show. He was booked on the show by a publicist and he did it just for his own show. Howard said there was no love from Jerry back then. He said that they do wave to each other and say hello when they see each other though. Robin said that Jerry has a funny life and he should be willing to talk about it.
Howard said he thought that Jon was good as the show went along because he came in with comments about what was going on. He went on to talk about how someone must really hate Jay Leno at the Academy because he's never asked to do the show. Howard said there must be some kind of story there because he's the kind of guy you'd expect to see on a show like that. Letterman was asked to do it and did it one year. Leno hasn't done it.
Howard said that Leno has a huge audience with his show and yet he's not being asked to do the show. Jon Stewart doesn't have as big of an audience as Leno or Letterman but he was asked to do it. Howard changed subjects and said that there was something very gay going on there at the Oscars. He said that when Jake Gyllenhal was accepting his award, the cameras went to his gay-movie boyfriend, Heath Ledger. That's a very strange thing for them to show according to Howard.
Howard brought up Jennifer Aniston and all he could think about was how she was dumped by Brad Pitt. He said that's all he can think about now that they've broken up. Howard thought Lilly Tomlin looked great at the awards. He said that George Clooney seems to be Mr. Hollywood these days because everyone was talking to him and giving him a shout out. Jennifer Garner was very fat and shouldn't have been there according to Howard. Robin said that she just had her baby, she hasn't had a chance to lose the weight.
Howard liked the part where they showed the sound effects and showed just how many sounds go into those movies. Howard also liked the segment where they showed all of the people who died this past year. Howard said he was kind of surprised that Richard Pryor didn't get more applause than he did. Don Knotts was left out of the death list so Howard figured he'd be mentioned next year. Bob Denver was also left out of the list. Chris Penn was on the list and he died this year so it didn't make sense that Don Knotts was left off.
Howard said that he thought that John Travolta's toupee looked very strange. He had an afro wig on and it made him look very odd. Jamie Foxx seems to be a very self conscious guy and he mumbled something about the 36 Mafia guys during his speech. Howard said that John Travolta looked like Juan Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter with the afro wig he was wearing.
Howard said that he saw a picture of Les Moonves kissing up to John Mellencamp at an Oscar party and he wanted to tell Mellencamp to stay away from him. He said that Les must have stinky breath with those giant caps of his. He said he was really disgusted by that whole thing.
Howard said that Artie confessed to Gary why he went to the Oscar Party on Sunday. He played some audio from the show where Artie explained to a caller why he actually went. Artie said that a publicist that was hired for Beer League told him he should go so he can get some press. Howard said that it's the publicist who thinks that Artie can get some notice and sell some tickets to the movie. He said that's not going to sell one ticket.
Howard said that Beth is the only one who got her picture in the paper from that party. She didn't get one of the better gift baskets from the party though. Howard said that she should have gotten the good one because she's the only one who got any press.
Howard said that Cliff's mother was on Howard 100 News the other day saying that Cliff didn't have a cleft palette and she couldn't fix it even if she wanted to. Cliff said he thought that it was hard to believe she'd say something like that. Howard said that a cleft palette can be fixed and Cliff's mother just didn't bother to fix his. Howard has questioned his mother about that before and wondered why she never got him fixed.
Howard said he'd like to get Cliff's mother on the phone so he could ask her about it. He asked Cliff if his mother got her hair done and stuff like that. He said she did so Howard figures that she could have skipped stuff like that to get Cliff's cleft palette fixed.
Gary came in and said that he has an Artie update. He said he didn't check his messages this morning and it turns out that Artie is sick with the same thing that both Howard and Gary had. He decided to stay home instead of coming to work like Howard did.
Howard asked Lisa G to come in to talk about the Cliff Palette thing. She came in a short time later and said that Shuli did a story about Cliff and his mother. She didn't know exactly what she said though. Shuli called in a short time later to give them an update. He told Howard that Cliff's mother told him that he didn't have a cleft palette. Shuli said that his friend thinks that Cliff has a paralyzed tongue because it doesn't move when he's talking.
Howard asked Cliff if he has a hole in the roof of his mouth. Cliff said he doesn't have one and he actually just has a speech impediment... So that's what's really going on. His mother wasn't lying, she really couldn't get Cliff fixed. Shuli said that Cliff's mother is a really nice person too. Cliff kind of likes the name ''Cliff Palette'' and didn't want to lose it if it came out that he didn't have a cleft palette. (He used to be known as Lispy Lynn). Howard asked Cliff what's up with his tongue. Cliff said the muscles in his tongue don't work.
Howard said he's really mad at Cliff now that he knows this because they have gone off on his mother for not getting him fixed. Howard felt bad about the whole thing and said that Cliff is the one who has to apologize to his mother for doing this to her.
Howard said he's taking away the name Cliff Palette. He asked him what his real name is. He said it's Lynn so Howard told him his name is now Pinnochio. He's shocked that the guy lied to him about all of this. Shuli let Howard and Robin know that Cliff is in the hospital because he has a couple of aneurysms above his kidney. Cliff said that he's pretty weak right now and has lost his appetite because of what's been going on. They had to put a catheter in his penis so Howard said he wouldn't even be on the phone if he had one in.
Howard asked Cliff about what it was like to get the catheter put in. Cliff was saying that the nurse had to get him a little aroused so she could get it in there. Robin said that's not what they do though. Fred was doing an impression of Cliff that was pretty funny. Howard was still kind of bummed that Cliff has been lying to him all of these years. Gary said that he was actually trying to raise money for an operation to get his cleft palette fixed so he wondered how far Cliff was going to take it. Shuli said he was blown away when Cliff's mother came out and told him that he didn't have the cleft palette thing.
Howard played Cliff's karaoke version of a Bon Jovi song. The guys spent a few more minutes talking to Cliff about his sex life and stuff like that. Cliff said that he will get a hooker once a month or so but he can't get other chicks. He thinks he'll be okay with the kidney problems.
Howard told Cliff he hopes he's feeling better and said that he's going to stick with that name since that's what they know him as. He said he has lied to him all these years about the cleft palette and that's kind of weird. Shuli said that they should put a hole in his mouth just to teach him a lesson. Howard said they could create a hole to stash his stuff... They could call him Stash Hole. Gary told Howard that Lynn used to be known as Lispy Lynn so Howard asked Cliff to say that name. He can say that about as well as he can say Cliff Palette.
Shuli told Howard that in one interview he did with Cliff, he was crying. Howard wanted to hear that so he asked the guys to pull that up so he could listen to it. Robin wondered why he's not on any of these Wack Pack shows. Howard told him he can come down anytime he wants.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Cliff's revelation would have been a great Wack Pack Revelation. She had a few words to say about Les Moonves before Howard hung up on her.
Gary said that he had some news too. He said that the IRS is going to start taxing gift baskets from the Oscars because they're worth so much money. They spent a short time talking about that before Howard had to take another break.
Howard read a note from a fan who wanted him to post some public domain pictures for them to use in their Howard Stern Film Festival movies. Doug Goodstein came in and said that he's also sick and has been for the past 6 days or so. Howard asked him about the public domain stuff and Doug said that they're not going to be posting anything like that. He suggested just impersonating the people you want to put in your movie instead.
Howard mentioned the segment they had yesterday where Tyra Banks was talking about going undercover at a strip club. He played some of that audio and talked about what a whacko she is. Then he played a bit they created where they had a Tyra impersonator talking about going undercover to find out why men like blow jobs so much.
Hanzi called in and told Howard that he e-mailed Tyra and told her to do some investigative reporting over in Iraq. Howard told him yesterday to tell her to go find Osama Bin Laden, not to go to Iraq. Howard played a little more of Tyra's strange undercover report about the strip clubs.
A listener called in and told Howard that he doesn't have a lot of money but he's able to scrape up the money for his SIRIUS radios. He said he's got five of them and that guy who called in earlier should be able to find the money too.
Howard spent a short time talking about the CBS lawsuit again and how even Jack Thompson, who tried to get him off the air, is backing him up in the case. He said that means a lot to him.
A caller told Howard he had a Top 10 List of Subjects Howard will never talk about. The guy started to read the list but it was really lame. Howard cut him off and the guy told him that Will said it would be great. Howard thought the guy was pretty wacky.
Howard said he was talking to a reporter yesterday about Les Moonves and pointed out that he started out his career as a bartender at The Improv. The reporter said that everyone has to start out somewhere so Howard pointed out that Les tries to cover up his career and has changed his resume so he doesn't show that kind of stuff on there.
Howard said they had a Black History Moment to play. In this bit we hear Marconi (Sal's Uncle) creating radio and then tuning in to hear Cousin Brucie, then tuning into Out Q. Then Marconi has to go to the bathroom and when he comes back, his radio has been stolen and it was the first stolen radio. Marconi blamed the black man for stealing it.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Howard's news team should have been on top of the Artie story this morning. He also thought that Shuli dropped the ball on the Cliff Palette story this morning but that made no sense because they found out about Cliff thanks to Shuli.
Bobo called in and asked Howard if he has to foot the bill for this lawsuit that CBS has filed. Howard said he does have to foot the bill and it's going to cause him and his family harm. He said that he's being personally sued by this Les Moonves guy and it's a personal vendetta according to his lawyers. Howard said he's had an Attorney working on this for a while now and the Attorney says that this is a frivolous lawsuit that he shouldn't worry about. Howard spent a couple more minutes going off on Les and said that he's going to be looking into his life to see just what he's up to.
Another caller told Howard that he was watching Bill O'Reilly the other day and a woman was talking about how frivolous the lawsuit is. Howard actually had some tape from the show the guy was talking about so he played that for everyone. They talked more about that lawsuit and then the caller told Howard that he's been loaning his SIRIUS tuner out to friends and once they hear it, they go out and buy their own. Howard said that is a good way to sell the radio because people just need to hear it for a day and they'll love it. They're actually thinking of holding a contest to sell radios. Howard let the guy go so he could get to his guest.
Howard had some microphone problems so he asked for an engineer to come in and fix the microphones. They tried to fix it during the interview. Howard said that you can hear a lot of noise from the microphones. Gary said that he hasn't said anything to him off the air so nothing has been done to take care of the problem yet. Howard said he's been complaining about this a lot on the air so they should fix it. Gary doesn't hear the problem but Robin and Fred both said that they hear it.
Howard told Gary that he doesn't know the answer for what they need to do, they have to have the engineers figure all of that out. Gary said that he's going to handle it off the air. Sal went in Gary's office and got on his microphone and goofed on him a little bit. A few seconds later we heard Sal saying ''Owww, OUCH!'' as Gary was kicking him out of his office.
Howard got back to Michael Dowd and asked him how long he was a cop. Dowd said he was in there for 10 years and he became a dirty cop pretty much right away. He said he was asked to lie on a report for a friend so he did that. After that he would accept free drinks and pizza which is just a stepping stone for doing more stuff according to Dowd. Howard asked him when it really started to get bad. Dowd said that once you get comfortable with your surroundings you start to do more stuff. He said you see how the system works and then you want to start doing things differently. This was back in the 80's that he's talking about and things have changed a bit since then.
Dowd said that he wanted to make some extra money so he would do things that were kind of dirty. Howard wanted to hear about the sexy things that he did when he was a cop. Dowd said that he could get blow jobs in his radio car if he wanted. He would have friends who would do that stuff for him.
Dowd said that there was one burglary he went to and the woman told them that her mother kept in the house and actually stole that money to give to a partner who was pissed that he didn't steal $11,000 from a previous call they were on. Dowd said that this was probably the lowest thing he could have done.
Howard wondered how they ended up with him on the show today. Michael said he's working on a book and wanted to bring that up. He's also trying to get some stuff produced as a movie. Howard thought that Michael wouldn't be allowed to profit from his crimes but Michael said there was no crime. When Howard asked him about the money he stole, Dowd said that if he knew the name of the woman, he'd give her the money back. Howard said he's kind of confused by this interview so far.
Howard read that Michael would get blow jobs from prostitutes at lunch time when he was on the job. Michael said that those are the women who would give him oral in his car because he worked with them each day. Dowd said that the big thing he did was running a drug empire. He was also making money on car insurance scams.
Dowd said that he was making about $10,000 a week with the drug thing. Howard said he read that Dowd got caught because he forgot to pick up his regular cop paycheck. Dowd said that he didn't need that $500 check when he was making $10,000 a week. He wasn't a very good criminal. He ended up doing time for 12 years and he regrets everything he did. He said he upset his family with all of that and he's not happy about that.
Howard read that Michael and his partner used to swap wives and stuff like that as well. Michael said that he the partner also helped to get him convicted. Michael said he and his partner were split up for a while. Dowd went to rehab for a while and he ended up with another partner in another precinct. He told Howard that he eventually got caught and sent to prison where he ended up going nuts from being in protective custody.
Howard said that Michael was a tough interview. There was more to his story but they just couldn't get it out of him. Gary came in and tried to help by bringing up some of the stuff he read about him in his notes. Dowd said that he doesn't have all that much money now and he's back living with his parents. He makes money doing some carpentry and from the literary agent that he's working with.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he used to be a cop and never did anything crooked like this guy did. Dowd said that's why that guy is still a cop. Gary asked Michael if he did work for the mob when he was in. Michael said that the mob was involved in the car insurance scam he was involved with.
Dowd said that most cops aren't dirty like he was. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this guy ruined the whole NYPD when he got caught doing this stuff. The caller said that he hopes that this guy got ass raped in jail. Dowd apologized to him and said that he didn't get ass raped. He said he served his time for 12 years so anyone who doesn't like that can go fuck themselves. The caller said that the guy doesn't deserve the money he could make from selling a book. Dowd and the caller went back and forth for a short time. The caller asked Michael how his parents didn't realize what was going on with him. He said he used to tell them that he was making good moves selling houses and flipping them for good money.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that this kind of guy is the reason that the young gang bangers out there think that all cops are dirty and they should be allowed to kill them. Benjy saw a note about how Michael was paid $4,000 a month for phone sex. Michael said that was true and she just sent him the money each month. Benjy was wondering if he's trying to cover something else up by saying that's where the money actually came from. Michael said that wasn't the case. He said he couldn't turn down that money even though he had another woman on the side.
Howard took a call from another guy who said that this guy is a scumbag. He said that he's a cop in the city and this guy really did ruin it for all of the cops in the city by doing what he did. They're constantly being watched and it's because of this guy. Dowd said that this all went down back in 1992 so he's not sure why he's taking the blame for what's been going on in the department since then.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and asked the guy if he still has his gun so he can blow his own head off. Levy said that he has a lot of friends who are cops and this is a bunch of bullshit. He didn't sound to thrilled with this interview.
Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later. Dowd apologized to the guys who were complaining about how tough their jobs have become because of him. He said he just wants to go on with his life and put that stuff behind him. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he felt like he was going to puke today and he's dying from the heat. He asked the camera guys to shut off his lights because there's nothing to record now. He said he has to wait for Sean Hannity to show up today because he's going to do the interview with him after the show.
Howard read that O'Reilly did send authorities to the guy's house just because he mentioned Olberman's name. Howard read the article and it sounds like O'Reilly is making a bigger deal out of the calls he's getting than he should be. Gary wondered what the shock jock reference had to do with. Howard said that it may have something to do with people like Captain Janks who call in and prank call them.
Howard said that you can't contact authorities when you have a call in show. Gary said there's one guy who calls a sports call in show all the time and they always threaten to call the authorities on that guy but he keeps calling in.
Howard had Rosanna on the phone a short time later. He apologized for being sick and almost canceling on her. He also told her that he used to beat off to her so Rosanna said that she's breast fed twice since the days when she was in movies topless. Howard had to clear his throat in the middle of that discussion so he made some very odd noises trying to clear it up.
Rosanna was going to tell Howard about the stuff that might make him better but Howard said that he's already been getting advice on what to eat. Howard asked Rosanna what she's wearing right now. She said that she's actually naked and in bed. He asked her if she's still hot. She said she thinks she is for her age. He went on to tell her how hot she was when he first discovered her in movies. She would get naked no problem. Rosanna said that her parents were pretty free and she used to go to nudist colonies when she was a little girl. She also used to smoke pot with her father when she was very young. She said that she's a much different parent than her parents were.
Howard said that he gets the feeling that Rosanna's sister Patricia is always pissed off. Rosanna said that she works very hard. Howard also asked her if she hangs out with her brother David and his wife Courtney Cox. She said that they are very close family and do hang out all the time. Howard said he can picture Rosanna and Courtney getting it on. He started to get into that and created the image of what might go on between them.
Howard asked Rosanna about dating a guy who was 33 years old when she was only 15. She said she was actually 16. Gary said he read that her mother was actually going to abort her but the abortion clinic she went to was illegal and got raided so she wasn't able to do that. Rosanna said that she still believes in a woman's right to have an abortion though.
Howard said he can't imagine what it must be like to have sex with Rosanna. He figures she must be great. Rosanna changed the subject and brought up her Showtime special ''All We Are Saying'' which airs tomorrow night on Showtime. She said that it's a documentary that she made where she interviewed a bunch of people in the business about what's going on with the music industry.
Howard asked Rosanna if she was fully shaved. She said she's not and she doesn't like that but she would let Howard shave her down if he wanted to. Rosanna said that they've actually met before. She said they met at the House of Blues one time and he was in the middle of his divorce at the time. Both of them were single at the time so they could have gotten it on. Howard said he had his daughter with him at the time so he couldn't do anything. Rosanna said that she's probably too old for him. Howard told her that if she still looks like Rosanna Arquette, he'd still do her. She said she doesn't believe in that Botox stuff because it's pretty freaky.
Irish John called in and asked Howard if he remembers that she was in Pulp Fiction and she looked so hot in the movie. She thanked him for that. John also said that she was great in ''Desperately Seeking Susan'' and asked if Madonna was a pain in the ass to work with. She said that she was fine back then.
Howard gave Rosanna another plug and wrapped up with her. Benjy interrupted and said he found a picture of Rosanna through Google Images where her ass looked amazing. Rosanna said that picture is from just 2 years ago. Benjy found that hard to believe but she swore it was that recent. They also found a picture of Alexis Arquette who is now dresses up like a woman. They talked about him for a short time and Rosanna was referring to him as a ''she.''
Howard was telling Rosanna what he would do to her and said that he would burn her nipples with cigarettes. He was just kidding and said that he would be really gentle with her if he had sex with her. He also said that he would bang her sister Patricia right in front of her. Robin said that he would then move on to Alexis so he could bang all of the sisters. Howard told Rosanna that if Beth ever breaks up with him, he's going to call her. He thought back on that night when they met and figured he should have done her that night. He said he probably could have used his finger on her that night if he had given it a try.
Rosanna asked Howard if he's not on TV anymore. Howard told her that he's got his own channel now (Howard Stern On Demand). He also told her about the film festival he has going on right now. She said she might have to make a documentary on him. Howard invited her down and said that they can make a porno movie together.
Howard asked Rosanna how tall she is because she might be too short for him. She's only 5'4 1/2'' tall. Howard said that's too short but he would bang her, he just wouldn't bring her out in public. He said she'd have to be 5'9'' tall to go out in public.
Howard broke the news to Rosanna that Dana Reeve had passed away. She didn't know that and felt really bad about that. She used to baby sit their son because she worked with Christopher in a movie one time. Howard asked her if she was so upset that he needed his consoling. Rosanna's door bell rang so she had to get running after that. She was being picked up to go somewhere. Howard let her go and gave her another plug.
Howard said he was hoping to get some rest before Sean Hannity comes in but the interview with Rosanna went a little longer than expected. He went to break after that.
Howard read off some of the other things on the list and some of them included...
Jon Hein previewed the Wrap Up Show and said they'll be talking about Artie not showing up this morning. Howard told Jon that he should be talking to Gary about why he didn't think to check his messages when he knows that Artie calls in sick sometimes. Gary said it wasn't on his work voice mail, it was on his cell phone and it didn't make all that much sense to him. Jon said that maybe Gary figured that Artie would have called him on the regular line.
Jon said they'll be talking about Michael Dowd and also about learning that Cliff Palette doesn't have a cleft palette. They'll also be talking about the Seinfeld discussion they had earlier in the morning. Howard wrapped up with Jon and George and let them go.
Howard started off the show playing a clip of this Dial-a-Prayer thing that he heard about. Artie said he had never heard about it before now. Howard said that Sal knows that he's on the ''Les Moonves is an Asshole tour'' so he called the Dial-a-Prayer thing and cried as he told the woman that he wants to pray for Howard Stern during this CBS lawsuit. He hopes that something bad will happen to Les Moonves and he burns in a car crash. The woman on the phone said that she had to wrap it up after that. Sal then said that he wanted to pray that Les gets cancer in his balls and the woman hung up on him.
Howard said that whole thing is a bizarre concept because some broad on the phone is praying for you. He said she didn't even say anything all that profound during the call. Artie said that it's just another way to exploit retarded people.
Robin asked Artie when he started feeling good enough to come in. Artie said he isn't feeling better, he just loaded up on the meds and came in. Howard said he was so mad at Artie yesterday because the dirty cop was in and Artie was supposed to help out with that. Howard told Artie that the guy, Michael Dowd, is so soft spoken that he had to switch microphones. Then it was almost like he didn't want to talk about it when he was doing the interview. Artie wondered why he would come in at all if he didn't want to be interviewed.
Howard told Artie it would have been great if he could have shared some of his dirty cop stories. He also said that there were some e-mailers who were upset that he had that dirty cop on. Other cops are pissed that he'd give him any publicity at all.
Artie told one story about a guy he knew. He said this cop was a middle man for a bookie and he would show up at his door while he was on duty. He would ignore his radio as he was talking to him. Artie said that the most retarded internal affairs guy could figure out what he was doing by just following him to his house. He said that the guy did end up getting busted for running the bookie business because it turns out he was actually the bookie, not the middle man. Artie said that the guy gave him a phone number to get to him and it was actually at the police station! He called in and he'd hear a beep which was the line being recorded. Then he found out that the guy had a whole language to use to place a bet. That line was only supposed to be used for emergencies.
Artie told another story about a guy he knew who was a cop for about 6 months. He pulled over a hot chick because the guy would only pull over hot chicks. He said that if the chick wasn't as hot as he thought, he'd let them go. This one chick was a little drunk when he pulled her over. The cop asked her how far from work her house was and then told her that she could either walk to work for 6 months or take care of his kid, which was his penis. That guy ended up getting busted about 5 years into his career.
Artie said that he and Frank Sebastiano actually have an idea for a new movie called ''Son of a Cop'' which would be about a dirty cop. He went on to tell another story about a cop who was having sex with a chick on the roof of a building and a criminal ran right by him as he was being chased by another cop. That cop stopped and asked the sex cop what he was doing. Artie said he's heard a bunch of stories from a friend of his who was a cop and he'd like to use that guy as a consultant on the movie.
Howard said he really wishes that Artie was there yesterday because he could have helped out with that interview he did. Artie said that he might be able to get that friend of his to call in. He said that the guy actually considered fleeing to Europe at one point. The guy claims that he made about $300,000 one year after only making about $35,000 as a cop. Artie said that this kid is so funny and entertaining and can tell the stories in a really funny way. He said that he would trust the guy with his life because he is a loyal guy.
Artie said that the guy can be really funny when he's one on one with him but in front of a crowd he's not that great. Howard said that's why he has to have him call in. Artie told another story about this cop friend who picked him up one day and told him they were going down to Atlantic City. They were drinking and doing blow in the car and doing about 95 MPH down the highway. They got pulled over and the cop just stuck his badge out the window and the other cop just let them go.
Artie said he may be able to make up for missing the show yesterday by having this friend call in. He said there were some other stories about cops who play tricks on each other. There was once a story about some cops who called and said that there was a kangaroo loose in the streets of New Jersey. They ended up going and shooting the shit out of a fake kangaroo that some other cops had planted in the snow.
A cop called in and told Howard about how he and his partner were out in Arizona listening to the show. He said that the reason the cops go dirty is because the pay is so low. The guy asked to play a game but Howard had nothing going on today so he told him to call in next time he plays a game. Artie gave him another story since the guy thought they were so funny.
Artie said that his friend took him on a drive one day and decided to mess with some prisoners that were going to be transported. They pulled up to the prison and four enormous black guys got in the truck. His cop friend put in a cassette tape and said ''I hope you niggas like Zeppelin...'' It turns out they hate Zeppelin. Artie said that they drove around for about 2 hours torturing those four guys. He said they had to listen to the rock music from the 70's and they were like 19 year old kids. Artie said they actually ended up becoming friends with those guys.
Artie said that it was so funny when his friend pulled that tape out and said that line to those guys. He said they were blasting that Zeppelin album during the whole ride. Howard was playing some of the Zeppelin album that Artie's friend was playing that day. They goofed around with that for a short time and Artie said that was just the tip of the ice berg.
Howard moved on to the game and played a clip where Richard Christy asked Daniel Carver what some black slang terms meant. Here are some of the questions and Daniel's answers...
Howard had a few more of the Daniel Carver clips to play. Here are the rest of the slang and Daniel's answers:
Howard said that Judge Napolitano over at FOX news thinks they did that as a personal thing because they knew that it was a sore spot for him. The judge told Howard that he could win a case in his court if he brought that up. Howard said that Les is a guy who told him that he did a great job there at CBS and then turned around and sued him. The suit is very personal and it's very obvious.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's never seen Sean Hannity be so gentle with a guest before. Howard said that Sean has to deal with management himself so he knows what he's going through with this crap. Robin said that Hannity knows that the same thing could happen to him some day. She also said that she doesn't like Hannity's politics but she did like the interview he did with Howard. The caller Howard had on the line told Howard that his father was amazed when he saw Les' teeth on TV the other day.
Howard told the guy that he should go to WireImage.com and look up the name ''Les Moonves'' to see how ridiculous Les and his wife look together. He said that he saw that the head of Viacom, Sumner Redstone, was hanging out with Tom Freston and it seems that those two are getting closer so he may just replace those guys over at CBS.
Howard said that yesterday he had some makeup put on before doing this interview but he had the woman do it very quickly because he was sick and sweating like crazy. He said he got out what he wanted to say about Les and that worked out pretty good even though he was feeling so crappy.
Howard said he wanted to get the word out to the business people who watch FOX so that's why he did Hannity's show. Howard pointed out that CBS is no longer the great company it once was now that Les Moonves is in charge.
Artie said that Howard may have been sick but that interview came across as one of the best he's done. Howard told the guys how much he's been sweating now that he's sick and he soaks through his clothes. He said he doesn't even have a temperature but he is sweating like crazy. Robin said that's the body's way of breaking the fever, by sweating.
Howard said that he was losing the feeling in his left arm, which is the same thing Artie is experiencing. He said that he was going to wake up Beth and go to the hospital but then he figured that if he was having a heart attack, it's time to go. He figures he'll be fine because there's no history of heart problems in his family. Robin said that Howard would rather die than fight through a cold. Howard had to go to break after that.
High Pitch Eric and Mariann were talking about Howard's lawsuit and he thought that was pretty bad. Mariann was saying that Howard is sick because of the suit but he said he's probably just sick because he's sick, like Artie is. Tabitha Stevens called the Wack Pack Show and Jeff the Drunk started to go off on her but they kept turning his microphone off so you couldn't hear him.
In another clip Mariann was talking about how she didn't like Stuttering John because he wouldn't let her on the air. Howard asked Robin how she could listen to that show. Robin kept telling him that she loves hearing Double A trying to be a host and Jeff the Drunk falling off his chair.
Howard said that the Artie stuff was prompted by Gary. Gary didn't check his messages before the show so they didn't know that Artie had called in sick. Howard said that he told Gary that he might want to check his messages before assuming that Artie is missing and getting people worried about him. Gary figured that Artie could have e-mailed him but Artie doesn't use e-mail.
Lisa said that there's going to be a caravan of people heading down to Baltimore for the grand opening of Scores so they're going to be doing a report on that. Howard said he doesn't know how some of those guys get away with this stuff. He knows that Ronnie's wife lets him do that stuff but his friend Ross just got married and he's not sure how that guy gets away with it. Gary said that he's going down there too so he and some of his buddies are going to go down there in a van.
Gary said that his friend Frank is going to drive them down there. Ronnie is going to head down tomorrow night so he won't be working there on Friday. Howard said that he's actually working on Friday though. Ronnie said he's hosting a press conference tomorrow night so he has to be down there. He's actually getting paid to do that but he used to do it for free.
Howard went off on Ronnie a little bit about not working there on Friday. Ronnie said that he has that covered and he'll have his guy Mike in to cover for him. Howard had Lisa get back to her preview so she quickly wrapped that up.
Howard said he might have to hire Judge Napolitano to fight his case for him. Howard went on to talk about how personal this lawsuit has gotten. He figures that it's Les Moonves, Joel Hollander and Steve Lehrman who came up with this suit and they're all pissed at him because he left the company.
Howard was going to play some audio clips from the Sean Hannity interview he did but he had some problems figuring out exactly what he had to play. Gary wasn't aware that he had the whole interview to play so he told Howard he didn't think they had the whole thing, he thought they just had clips. JD came in and said they did have the whole thing though. Gary said he didn't make up an answer like Howard thought he did. Gary tried to explain himself but Howard didn't want to hear it. Fred was playing some Baba Booey song parodies while he was talking to him. Then Sal was giving Gary a hard time in his office so Gary said that he wasn't going to deal with that.
Howard told Gary that his fault is that he feels that he has to give an answer when he really doesn't have an answer. Gary thought that he was looking for a longer clip that what he saw on the page on his computer screen. Howard said that he doesn't know how long the clip would be so he can't just scan it like that and know the answer. Robin and Howard ganged up on Gary and told him he was wrong but Gary refused to accept that.
Gary said that Howard was just wasting time and gave him an F-you which Howard didn't understand. Gary thought he was just wasting too much time on this and he should move on to playing the clips.
Artie said that he wanted to hear the whole interview because Howard got right into the CBS lawsuit but then asked Hannity if he's ever done coke and stuff like that. Howard played the first clip where we hear Hannity talking to Howard about CBS' lawsuit. Howard was giving his thoughts on what's going on with the case and how CBS is bullying him. Howard said he thinks that Les has been botoxed because you really can't read his face. In the interview Howard went over pretty much the same stuff he's gone over on his radio show in recent days.
Artie told Howard that he should play the part where he's breaking Hannity's balls. Howard played a second segment where Hannity was asking Howard about his anger and what he's going to do in response to this. Howard said that his Attorney told him not to talk about what they're filing but he thinks that there should be a counter suit. He had the papers from the lawsuit where CBS claims that Howard kept his SIRIUS deal a secret but Howard said the deal was all over the news back when it was announced. Hannity played a tape of Joel Hollander and Les Moonves coming on his old radio show and telling him how much they appreciated him and how they had both purchased SIRIUS radios themselves.
Howard said that the interview was very good and this is the reason he's going nuts. Everyone out there is saying this case can't go anywhere and he loves it. He played the final clip where he asked Hannity about doing drugs and stuff. Hannity quickly moved on and ended up talking about the radio business with Howard for a short time. Howard was also talking about therapy and how he was never really a happy person in the past. Now that he's gone to therapy, he does feel that he's a happier person. He started going so he could become a better father. He said that he doesn't want to get lost in his work again so that's what he's worked on in therapy.
Howard said that was the whole interview as it ran last night. He thinks that this ''I Hate Les Moonves tour'' that he's going on will be great. There will be a second part to the Hannity interview that will air tonight. Artie said that Hannity promoted it as being some personal questions that Howard doesn't answer. That led to the guys talking about how they don't really believe that there's a god, but Howard is afraid to say that, just in case there is one.
Howard said that if there is a god, there's no reason for him to take someone like Dana Reeve who is leaving behind a 13 year old son. That kid has now lost both parents in the past 2 years. Howard said that he had no idea that so many people get lung cancer and don't even smoke.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would consider settling with CBS. Howard said he won't give those guys a cent so he won't be settling with them. He said he's not going to let them off the hook so easily. He tried to work things out with Les and Joel but they insisted on filing the suit. He said that both of them were very smug and Les enjoyed watching him squirm. The caller wants Howard to reveal to his audience how much he eventually gets if he sues those guys. Howard said he may not be able to do that though.
Howard said he has a lot to think about with this case because those guys have stepped over the line in a lot of ways with this lawsuit. It's probably going to turn out to be a bigger case than anyone expected. He took another call from a guy who told Howard how great the SIRIUS Starmate is. He said he leaves it on when he goes to bed and when he wakes up in the morning he can rewind 45 minutes to hear what he's missed. The caller was also saying that he listened to a little bit of Mancow the other morning and the guy was goofing on Howard. Howard said that Mancow is one of those strange impersonators who wanted to be him. He said he didn't even know this guy but Hannity did ask him about it. He didn't have a good answer on the air with Hannity but he went home and thought about it when he got home. Howard remembered that Mancow had sent him a box of excrement and one of their interns actually opened the package and found it. Howard said that excrement can spread disease and the poor intern is the one who found it and that was just wrong. The guy was a coward and that was the only way he could get his attention.
Howard said that Mancow would shit himself if he confronted him in person. He said that the girl who opened the box probably could have filed a lawsuit against him if she wanted to but she said she'd be fine. That's when Howard got on the air and went off on Mancow's father on the air. He said that his father was probably glad he was dead because his son was a Howard Stern impersonator. He talked about Skull f'ing the dead father and also fisting him. Mancow is still complaining about that to this day. Howard said that if he caused him any pain... good. He said he'd still like to f-his father's dead skull.
Howard said that Mancow once sent one of his guys up to the studio to crap in his studio. Gary caught wind of that so he was going to stop him from doing it. Howard said he told Gary to let the guy in and let him go for it. The guy showed up in the lobby and Howard confronted him out in the lobby. The guy was a bald fucker who freaked out when he confronted him. Howard told him to pull down his pants and crap right in front of him. The guy ran to the elevator and as he was waiting for the elevator to open, he apologized to him. Howard went off on Mancow a little more and said that's what he couldn't remember when Hannity asked him about it yesterday.
Gary said that Mancow also sent a dead cow's head through the mail and another intern opened that up. Howard said that he got a note from that guy recently too and the guy just can't forget about him. Howard said the guy is very consumed with what they're doing on satellite now.
Howard said he read an article about how SIRIUS may not be selling as many radios by this June as he is now. Those are the same people saying that his move to satellite would never pay for itself but he already proved that wrong. Howard said that it's not just going to go away. He said that people are going to buy new cars and they'll have the opportunity to get satellite radio and people will remember that he's on SIRIUS and get the option. The ''Howard Stern Effect'' is not going away.
Some e-mailers liked Robin on Bubba's show the other day. There were some people who hated the interview Howard did with Michael Dowd the dirty cop yesterday. Howard also got some mail from some people who think that Artie wasn't really sick. The writer thought that Jackie treated himself even worse but he was always at work. Howard thought about it for a short time and said that Jackie was in pretty bad shape. The guys talked about what a mess Jackie was and tried to figure out who was worst.
Howard said it was a tough call but he thinks that Artie drinks worse than Jackie did. He also thinks that he eats worse than Jackie did even though Jackie ate a lot of crap. Jackie also smoked pot but he thinks that Artie treats himself worse than Jackie did. Howard said the tie breaker is if Jackie ever had some guy jizz on his chest.
Howard read some feedback about what he said about Richard Pryor not getting much respect at the Academy Awards. He took a phone call after that and the guy told a story about a fireman who got caught having sex with a sheep at a house that he was called to. Howard said he can't imagine having sex with an animal and what kind of state of mind you'd have to be in to do that. He said he's been pretty hard up for pussy in his life but he's never even thought about having sex with an animal. He said that the worst part is getting caught doing it though.
Howard had to go to break a short time later. He said that they had Norah Vincent coming in to talk about how she dressed up as a man for 18 months and got away with it.
Howard said that his daughters were all very girly when they were little so he figures that they're not going to be lesbians. Norah was telling Howard that her first sexual fantasy was about Olivia Newton John. She said that she thought about being strapped to a conveyor belt surrounded by topless woman with blood red nails who were tickling her as she went by. That fantasy came when she was a very young girl. Howard said that he remembers having a dream one time where he was Honey West being tied down to a bed. Artie said he used to really get off on chicks who were strong like Pippi Longstocking. He said he would actually jerk off to that kind of thing when he was a kid.
Howard didn't get the Honey West thing but figures that it had something to do with jerking off. He said that he learned about this whole fetish thing from Nicole Bass the body builder who told him about the Schmos who like to get yelled at and beat up by chicks. Artie thinks that he had Schmo tendencies when he was a kid because he wanted Pippi Longstocking to beat him up.
Norah said that she was writing for the LA Times so Howard figured that she must be pretty smart. She says that she's really not though. Howard got back into the lesbian thing and asked her when she started acting out sexually. She said that didn't happen until she was in college. She dated some guys back then but she only had sex with one guy. Howard asked her if the guy's penis was black and blue after that. She wondered what that meant so Howard told her that he had a friend who had sex with a lesbian one time and she wasn't able to get wet for him. His friend came home one night and his penis was black and blue after he tried to bang her. They found out a couple of years later that she was a lesbian. Howard said the funny thing is that guys will go in there even if it's that hard.
Howard talked about Norah's disguise and how she ended up creating her beard. She explained how she bought some special glue and used some chopped up hair to create her stubble. She said that she would dress up quite often and go to bowling nights and stuff dressed up as a man. She did her man voice for Howard. She already has a low voice so it wasn't too hard. Howard said the hard thing for her was to stop talking so much. Artie then asked her how she learned ''how to shut the fuck up'' because chicks always like to talk. She said that she had to hold back from talking and talking baby talk to little puppies and stuff.
Norah said that she became almost invisible on the street when she was dressed as a man. No one pays attention to other guys walking down the street. Howard said that being a man can actually be more dangerous because other guys want to fight over anything.
Norah used to wear a fake penis so it would look like she had one down there. She would use the men's stall in the bathroom if she had to go while she was out as a man. Norah said that she actually picked up a woman, when she was dressed as a man, and the other woman actually didn't care that she was dressed as a man. Norah said that actually happened on 3 separate occasions. She told Howard about how one woman told her that she's actually into chicks but she would never consider dating women.
Norah said that she had to be careful making out with other women because her face was very sticky from the glue she used. She said that dating was like hell and it was tough to find women as a man. She said that she was rejected a lot and they treated her like dirt. She said that being a woman dating another woman is a completely different experience.
Howard told a story about going to a party when he was a little kid and all of the girls at the party were rejecting him even though they were fat. He said that they didn't even get to know him. He said he figured he had a good personality but that didn't help either.
Robin said that she was walking through a mall the other day and a guy told her that he would get her number if she was 10 years younger. She said that the guy could have just complimented her and kept moving but he had to go and insult her. She also said that she wouldn't have given him her number even 10 years ago.
Norah said that she eventually told her bowling partners that she was a woman and one of the guys didn't believe it until she showed him her tits. She said that the guy told her that he was going to be f'd up for life because of that. She said that most of the guys in her bowling team were okay with what she did by fooling them. Howard said that he would be angry if he found out something like that. She said that she's actually good friends with one of the guys on the team.
Norah said that she learned some interesting stuff about men when she was dressed up as one. She said that women will never get what it is about men that makes them want to go to strip clubs. She said that they're not as threatening as most women think they are. Robin said that she's seen Howard in action at a strip club and he knows that the girls are lying to him but the guys just don't care.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Norah if she would prefer to be a man or woman if she could choose. She said that she would stay a woman. Another caller told Norah that one of Howard's favorite movies was ''Just One of the Guys'' which is basically Norah's story. Howard said that he really did like that movie and got to hang out with the chick who played the lead in that movie. He said that it was a great day that day too.
Howard told Norah that she should get Ralph Macchio to play her in the movie version of her book. Howard asked her if she ever had guys calling other guys names like ''fag'' and stuff like that. She said that some of the guys actually thought she was a gay man but they never called her names in front of her.
Howard gave Norah a plug for her book ''Self-Made Man : One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back'' and said that he's reading it but he's just at the beginning of it right now.
Artie asked Norah who she think is funnier, guys or chicks. She said that men seem to be funnier because they're willing to say things that women wouldn't say. Howard wrapped up with there a short time later and went to break.
Artie said that the news story that Howard 100 News did about the vending machine has led to them putting in two rows of Devil Dogs. He is so happy that they did that because now he won't run out of Devil Dogs. Richard Christy came in and said that Artie was out there with the vending machine guy and the guy was letting him just reach in and grab stuff. Artie said that guy knows where it's at.
Howard played an audio clip from the Academy Awards where the 3-6 Mafia were babbling incoherently while accepting their award. He said he was about to erase it so he anted to play it one last time. He also had a prank call that was made using clips of Al Pacino as Richard Roma.
Howard told Fred and Scott did a great job with that song parody. He then went on to tell Artie that he missed when Cliff Palette called in yesterday and admitted that he doesn't have a cleft palette. After the show yesterday they heard that Cliff died after he called in but they don't have concrete evidence about that. They've been trying to get in touch with him but there's no answer on his cell phone and the hospital can't get him. Gary said they did get an email from his account from someone claiming to be his mother but they still can't confirm it.
Howard said that Cliff was in the hospital with some aneurysms above his kidney and he hopes that he's okay. Howard said he really loves that guy. He played some of his Bon Jovi Karaoke. Artie said he's hung out with the guy and the fans really love him too. Howard said that he really hopes he didn't die. He said that he used to love hearing Cliff giggling when he'd be goofing on him. He said that if he really did die it would be a tragedy for the show.
Howard said that this web site TechTimesDaily.com interviewed this guy from XM and he was saying that they spent a ridiculous amount of money on advertising to go against SIRIUS when Howard was moving there. The guy said that XM was beating SIRIUS on every level until Howard made his announcement. Now they're panicking over there and this guy had to step down when he saw what was going on.
Howard read more of the interview where this guy Roberts told the interviewer that there is only one person who can make an impact on the radio industry, Howard Stern. Howard said that he told XM that they should hire him because he's a warrior. If they had signed him, the game would have been over and SIRIUS would have been dead in the water.
Roberts was asked about Oprah Winfrey being signed to XM and he said that isn't going to sell as many radios as Howard Stern would. She will bring in listeners, but not as many as Howard will. Roberts said that XM was also losing listeners and losing NASCAR to SIRIUS so that was another big loss to them. XM was on pace to make money but they've made some bad decisions lately and things aren't going as expected.
Howard continued to read the interview and said that Roberts believes that XM needs to make some major changes to keep up with SIRIUS' content.
Howard said that he knew he needed to go to SIRIUS after having some meetings with XM. He said those meetings didn't go all that well for him but SIRIUS' did. Artie said that they had the Eye of the Tiger and that's why they got Howard.
Jon Hein gave Howard a quick preview of what was coming up on the Wrap Up Show today. He mentioned that they'll be talking more about the Artie vs. Jackie thing they brought up earlier in the morning. George said that Artie really does abuse himself with the food he eats. George is very health conscious and told Artie about the food he eats and how many calories he's putting through his body every day. He said that he could nourish a whole country with the food he eats.
Jon said they'll also be talking about his impersonators and what they've done to get Howard's attention. Steve the Intern came in with an update for tonight's The Intern Show. Gary came back in a short time later and said that they're about to get some terrible news from Cliff Palette's mother. He apparently did pass away about 4 hours after they spoke to him.
Steve gave a quick update about what they have coming up tonight on the Intern Show and then Howard moved on to Cliff's mother.
Howard apologized to Amber for going off on her in the past about not getting the operation to fix Lynn's cleft palette. She said that Lynn asked her to leave that alone and drop it because it was an inside joke with the show. Howard told Amber that Lynn was actually cute with the way he would giggle on the phone when he'd talk to him. He's really going to miss that.
Lynn was a huge fan of the show and he used to hang out with Artie at shows and stuff. Artie said that he never bothered anyone and wouldn't expect anything from him. Howard said he'd love to put together a retrospective of his old shows but CBS won't let him have his tapes so that won't happen.
Howard said that Cliff didn't have a lot of luck with women and his mother confirmed that. She said that he did have a couple of jobs though. Howard said that he was probably a good guy to have around the house and his mother confirmed that. She said that it's going to be a big adjustment for her now that he's not going to be around. She said that his body was donated to science. They can't use the body for harvesting but he did want to be donated to science so medical students will be using his body. Howard said he's a really good dude and he could never do that himself.
Howard said that they will use the body for a while, then cremate him. She said that they will have a memorial service this Friday down in Dallas at the Episcopal Church of the Ascension. Howard apologized to her once again for saying things about her in the past. She said that was fine because Lynn led them on with the cleft palette thing.
Howard said he was looking at a picture of Lynn with Yucko the Clown. Artie said that Lynn was really loved by the fans and effected many lives. Amber said that anyone who wants to donate money can send it to that church. Howard told Amber to come visit them if she's ever in New York City.
High Pitch Eric called in and said that Cliff was a true gentleman and they have hung out a couple of times. He said he's really going to miss him and he was a great guy. Howard asked him if ever measured Cliff's penis like he admitted to doing during the Wack Pack Revelations. Eric said that didn't happen.
Eric said that he's going to George Flowers' meeting today where he'll be learning how to eat healthier. Howard found it hard to believe that George would invited Eric to something like that. Eric said that he's going to have to bring his lunch up there today. Howard said that here's the class, ''Don't eat so much...'' That's how simple it is. Benjy said he was invited to the class but he's not going. Program Director Tim Sabean is in the class as well. Eric said he heard that Erica Phillips is also in the class.
Howard said that Eric probably eats a ton of food. Artie said he's seen it and it's a non-stop eating machine. He just keeps eating. Howard said that his revelation was great though. He talked about how Eric admitted to touching another guy while they were ''measuring'' each other's penises. Artie was goofing on Eric about that story and calling him a ''fat, fuckin, homo, fruit'' among other things.
The guys talked more about Cliff Palette passing away. They never thought that he would pass away before Jeff the Drunk, High Pitch Eric, Beetlejuice or even Artie. Howard talked about how weird it was that they hadn't spoken to Cliff in a long time and then the day they do, he passes away. He said that he kept pushing Gary to talk to the guy.
Sal came in and said that they filmed a whole movie about Cliff and they're going to create something for him for the Howard Stern Film Festival. They're not going to put it out as a full movie, they'll just put together a clip thing with music in the background instead.
A woman called in and said that she owns a company that does gravestones and she would like to do something special for Cliff. Howard loved the idea and said that would be great. Richard Christy said that the guy was really a great guy. He would just hang out and didn't ask for anything. He was very low maintenance. Howard said what they were trying to say is that he was just the opposite of High Pitch Eric. Gary said that's so true because Cliff didn't bother him at all while Eric will paw at your back constantly. Howard had to go to another break after that.
Robin was going to start her news but Howard interrupted with a phone call from a guy, Stacy Brown, who helped Jermaine Jackson write a book about his brother Michael. He ended up pulling the parts that were written about Michael because Michael has threatened to kick him out of the house if he publishes the book. Stacy told Howard about some of the stuff that went on with the book. He's not sure what will become of that book now though.
Howard let Stacy go and had Robin start her news. She did a couple of stories and then Howard interrupted again and said that some of the Cracked Magazine Top 25 Howard Stern Show Greatest Moments are actually on Howard Stern On Demand right now. He said that Artie drunk in Vegas, The Jackie Puppet, Hank the Dwarf, Stuttering John steals the Gary Puppet and Gary's ''I want you back'' tape are all up there right now.
A listener called in during Robin's news and said that David Lee Roth is apparently being asked to change his show over there at FreeFM and he's now thinking that if that keeps up, he may be knocking on Howard's door to work half price. The caller said that Dave was told that they want his show to be more like Howard's and they want him to have a female news person on the show.
Howard told her to go call XM and ask them to pay her $50 a month to stay with them. She said she needs some upgraded equipment so maybe she'll ask for that instead of money. She said she was shocked that they would even drop it as much as they did. Howard said that they really are desperate over there.
Artie wondered if he could get a blow job from someone over there if he threatened to drop his subscription. Howard wondered who would continue to subscribe for the full amount of they can get it for $3 a month. He said that it's like going down to Mexico and bargaining for the crap you want to buy. That's what their subscribers should be doing so they don't have to pay full price. Howard said it's amazing how the mighty have fallen. Next up should be Les Moonves according to Howard.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about Les and how he would love to counter sue him. He said that he will have more about that at the end of this month. Howard suggested that people mail Les the John Gibson interview that aired yesterday on FOX news. He had Robin finish up her news after that. They ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started off the show asking Robin what she wanted to hear first this morning. That led to him talking about his health. He said he feels better but there's a strange thing going on. He said he's sweating like crazy and freezing cold at night because he sweats right through his clothes and bed while he's sleeping. He asked Robin what she thinks about that. Robin said that does sound strange and she doesn't know why that would happen if he's getting better.
Howard asked Artie how he feels this morning. Artie said that he feels like crap and he's been packing in Tylenol to get rid of it. He said that his cleaning lady changed his sheets yesterday so she had the horrible job of removing those things from his bed. He's also sweating like crazy. He told Howard a friend of his told him that there's some kind of ''uber-cold'' going around New York City right now.
Artie told the story about how he picked this chick up and how they ended up making out at this bar they went to. She was a little drunk and Artie thinks that's the reason she actually made out with him. He also said that he's pretty sure that she wasn't new to the game of sex. He said she was obsessed with the show he was on at the time. He was on ''Norm'' back then and was making some really good money. He said he got her back to his home and got her naked. They were rolling around and he was going to try and bang her but she said ''no'' to that. She wouldn't blow him so she just gave him a hand job.
Artie said that he felt weird finished in her face but she was holding it right there by her face. He finished and pulled away so he wouldn't get it on her face. He said he drove her to the place she was staying after that and never called her again. He said he saw her in the paper last year appearing in that play he mentioned. He hasn't spoken to her since then though.
Robin said that the guy who sings ''You're Beautiful'' appeared on Oprah's show yesterday and he was a horrible guest. Howard said they turned him down as a guest thinking he wouldn't make a great interview so it seems they made the right decision. Howard played the song and said that he actually likes it. They used it in their parody of ''Brokeback Mountain'' which was called ''Buttcrack Mountain.'' Gary said that the video for the video is the guy stripping down and getting naked. Howard said that he now has an idea for a movie for his Film Festival. He's going to shoot something like that guy getting naked for a short film. He said that he'll have a bunch of guys rolling around naked and making out on a beach by the end of the movie.
Howard went on to read about how Roth went off on the management of the station after they asked him to be more like Howard Stern. He said he's not going to do that and spent his four hour show going off on them. Howard said that Tom Chiusano and Mark Chernof don't know how to turn someone into Howard Stern and all they want to do is sell advertising. Howard thinks that's all that Tom knows and wants... advertising dollars. He's a salesman and always will be a salesman.
Howard talked about how Les Moonves is out partying while his radio division is bleeding dry. Howard said that when he was working at that company he wasn't out partying every night. He was at home in bed sleeping so he could be ready to do his radio show every day. Robin pointed out that Tom Chiusano was the guy who was shoving more and more commercials into the show all the time.
Howard read more about Roth's comments and he was apparently saying that he was going to have a news woman brought in so he could bounce some ideas off of her. Roth said that would be like having a Robin Quivers in there and that's not going to work for him. He said that there's only one Howard Stern and one Robin Quivers and he's not going to try to be Howard Stern.
Howard said that CBS Radio should give Roth a chance to do his own show and build it up but they're not even going to allow him to get that far. They're setting him up for failure and probably won't pay him if he doesn't comply with their wishes.
Howard was also talking about how Les Moonves is just like that guy Pig Virus. They both had the same kind of attitude. He said that Les will be one of the biggest disasters at CBS that we've ever seen in the history of broadcasting. He said that their radio division is already tanking with Les in charge. Artie asked what the chain of command is over at CBS. Howard said that it's Sumner Redstone and then two guys are fighting it out for the next level. Tom Freston and Les Moonves are fighting it out but after this lawsuit, Les probably isn't going to get it. Below Les is Joel Hollander. He said that this guy is helping to run the company into the ground. He hired his brother to work for the company and while he's doing that, Les is out at Oscar parties and things like that.
Howard said that you can go to WireImage.com and type in Les' name and see how he's parading his wife Julie Chen around while the radio division is crumbling. Artie said that he was talking to his buddy Frank Sebastiano about the lawsuit and he can't understand the case himself. No one can understand it according to Howard. He said that we're all going to see Les' career crumble over that and the radio division's failure.
Artie said that he saw that Howard is going to be doing Letterman's show on Monday night. Howard said he didn't want to say how that all came about but then said that Dave wanted to have him on now more than ever. He didn't want to say anything to get anyone in trouble so he held back from saying anything. Howard said that if Les cancels his appearance now he's going to look like an idiot. If he doesn't cancel it, he'll look like an idiot... either way he's going to look like an idiot.
Howard said that Les is an idiot because they renamed the radio division from Infinity to CBS Radio right before they took this huge hit. Gary came in and said that he knows that Howard has a plan but he hasn't been brought into it yet. Howard said that he's had a plan ever since the day he sat in Les' office and saw the smug look on his arrogant face. He said that he's been working on this plan ever since then and he's playing it as a chess game. He's six moves ahead of the guy. He said that Les probably thought he'd never open his mouth about this case, but he was wrong.
Howard said that he never forgets people who screw with him. He said that he knows who dreamt up posting his personal information in the lawsuit. He said he knows that it's very personal because of that kind of thing. Sal came in and tried to give Howard some legal advice. He told Howard that if he counter sues Les, he should sue for custody of the old audio tapes. Howard told Sal, sarcastically, that he was brilliant for bringing that up because no one had thought of that yet. It turns out Gary sent Sal in knowing that he would get goofed on about that.
Artie had no idea what WireImage.com was. Howard told him that it's a celebrity photo site. That led to Howard talking about how Beth is very upset that she didn't get her big gift basket when she went to a party recently where she was photographed. Howard said that's bogus because Beth was the only one who got any press going to that party. She deserved the A-list basket because of that. Howard said that Lori Levine is a douche bag for not giving her the basket even though she probably gave them to some of the other celebrities there.
Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about the gift bags that they've gotten or heard about over the years. Some places give out some really great stuff but others are just crap. Howard had to go to break a short time after that.
Gary came in and told Howard that when Cliff called in he actually asked him if he was going to die. Howard said Cliff was a great guy and never complained about anything. Howard went on to replay the call that Cliff made to them on Tuesday where he admitted that he didn't have a Cleft Palette like he claimed he did. Howard said that was the last conversation they had with Cliff. They had some fun with him during that call.
At one point Howard told Cliff to come in anytime he wanted to. He had no idea that was going to be the last time he was going to speak to him. Robin said that poor Cliff was in bad shape being on meds and stuff. Howard had some audio of Shuli calling Cliff a few days before that final interview when he was trying to get some information about what was going on with him in the hospital. Cliff ends up crying toward the end of the call with Shuli.
Howard ended up goofing on Shuli about the way he was interviewing Cliff and treating him like a two year old. He said he doesn't ever want to be in the hospital and have Shuli calling him. Howard played a new song that Fred created as a tribute for Cliff. Howard cut it off halfway through it and played some of Cliff's karaoke performance of AC/DC's ''Dirty Deeds,'' ''For Those About to Rock'' and ''Highway to Hell.'' Artie said that Cliff was a big AC/DC fan. He was also a Bon Jovi fan and sang karaoke to ''Bad Medicine'' and ''You Give Love a Bad Name.''
Howard said that people are asking to hear the show just rerun all day long instead of Howard 100 News all day after the show. Howard said they didn't play on playing the news all day. They're going to be moving stuff around and playing with the schedule to see what they can do for the fans.
Some people have been writing in about Artie and saying that he might be a diabetic. Artie said he had a physical last summer and he's not a diabetic. He has been getting some notes from George Flowers about how to keep his weight down. He read to Howard some of the notes about how to figure out how much he should eat each day. Artie doesn't want to be bothered. Howard asked him what he weighs right now. Artie said he's at 260. Howard asked him what his target weight is, 260? Artie said that George's notes say that he should be keeping a chart of what he weighs every day and before he goes to bed. Artie said that he'll do that after he puts on his footsie pajamas.
Howard read some more email and some people were complaining about Howard complaining about the microphones. Howard said he knows what he's hearing and he knows what he's doing so leave it to him to figure out what to do. He read another email about his interview with Sean Hannity. Howard said that he doesn't care about his politics because Sean seems to understand that the lawsuit they have against him is personal.
There was some feedback about the Rosanna Arquette interview from the other day. He also said that there are some fans who are upset about Cliff Palette's death.
Howard read some mail from a guy who complained about Bubba the Love Sponge's show where they were talking about dynoing a race car. The writer said they may as well have been talking Chinese while talking about that stuff because he didn't understand it.
Howard gave out the information that Cliff's mother gave out about for the memorial service that's being held on Friday in Dallas. She also said that any donations that are to be made can be made to the church. You can find their address here... AscensionDallas.org. Howard had to go to break after that.
Lisa G came in to give Howard a Howard 100 News preview. She told Howard that their next guest(Gianni Russo) was wearing a lot of cologne and she could barely breathe. She said that it was either that or the spray on tan that was overwhelming her. Howard told her that anyone who was in The Godfather movie should be respected. Artie told her that she should walk in the green room and say ''Hello Carlo...'' He was reciting some other lines from the movie that Gianni Russo said. Howard thought that was pretty funny and had Artie saying just about all of his lines.
Howard said he loves The Godfather because it's almost like a Superman movie. Every guy wants to be like that. He said he would love to call Les Moonves into a meeting and treat him like the Godfather would. He came up with a speech that he would give to Les if he could do that. He explained to the imaginary Les that he was taught the game of Chess as a child and used that in his career so he's always six moves ahead of people in his life. He said that he'd give Les the chance to resign before he's made a fool of. Howard said Les would sit there with his caps and figure that he was going to go to court anyway and two weeks later he'd be crushed.
Lisa G said that they did a story about teaching kids chess in school but Howard told her that the whole rap was a bunch of bullshit. He was just saying that because it's something he'd like to say. Artie did more lines from The Godfather and did impressions of each guy whose lines he was reciting. Howard said he could listen to that all morning long.
Lisa G got back to her news preview and said they'll be talking more about Cliff Palette's death. They'll also be sending one of their reporters down to Dallas to cover the funeral. They won't be able to get a live update on Howard's show but they might be able to do something on Howard 100 News. Lisa said that tomorrow night they'll be doing a retrospective of Cliff's life. She said they're also going to have some feedback about Eric the Midget's American Idol show that aired last night.
Richard called in as ''Rodney'' and asked Eric how big his midget cock is. Eric knew that it was Richard. Brian tried to keep the show moving along and let ''Rodney'' go. Brian was trying to make it into a real show and he kind of ruined it.
Howard played another clip where Gary the Retard called in and said that Eric sucks dick. Eric asked him what he wanted after that and when Artie heard that he said he was loving the show. Eric didn't seem to be too happy with the call. Howard thought that Brian ruined the show because he was supposed to be a guest, not the host. Howard said he can't get these shows the way he wants them. Artie said the only way they can get rid of Dunkleman is if the show becomes a big hit.
Ralph called in and said that the show was horrible and it should have been just Eric but Dunkleman brought in a bunch of his friends and they were all talking. Tim Sabean came in and said that it was supposed to be Eric's show and they had to ask Dunkleman to back off because it was supposed to be Eric's show. Ralph said that it should have just been Eric rambling on about the American Idol stuff. Howard told Tim that they have to give Eric another show and leave Dunkleman off next time. Tim said he doesn't know if he can handle trying to schedule another show for Eric.
Howard had another clip where Jessica Hahn called in. Brian Dunkleman was hosting the show and Tim Sabean said that wasn't supposed to be like that and they weren't supposed to have a host like they did. Ralph said they should have had Eric on all by himself. Tim said that Eric was supposed to produce the show himself. Jessica Hahn called into that show and told the guys to let Eric talk and stop talking themselves. Howard thinks that Dunkleman was doing an audition or something. Jessica asked Eric what he thinks of the judges on American Idol. Eric got in a few words about what he thought.
Howard said that this was the worst, and it went on for a full hour. Ralph said that the guys didn't even watch the show before their show so they didn't know what went on last night. Howard told Tim to get on that stuff and straighten it out. Howard had Lisa G quickly finish up her preview and then let her go.
Artie started reciting some lines from ''The Godfather'' and Gianni played along with him. Howard said that Artie was thrilled to be able to do that with him. Howard thought it was beautiful as they did that together. Artie told Gianni that he was great in that movie and the casting was amazing.
Howard asked Gianni if he was ever a mob guy himself. Gianni said that he was around them a lot but he was never in it himself. He said he could have been in the mob if he wanted to though. Howard read that Gianni had gotten out of some indictments that were brought against him.
Gianni also told Howard that he did kill a man one time because the guy cut him on the neck with a broken bottle. Gianni said that the guy stuck him in the neck, then in the stomach. He was carrying a gun at the time and put it to his head and asked him if he wanted to walk out or go out in a black bag. The guy said ''fuck you'' and Gianni put two in his forehead. He also said that he killed the guy's brother 30 days later when he came after him.
Howard didn't know all of that stuff so this was news to him. Gianni said that the guy's brother came after him because he was trying to get revenge but he ended up killing the guy before he got him. Gary told Howard that after he killed that guy, there was a hit out on Gianni. Gianni had to get that hit taken off of him so he went to see Noriega down in the Dominican Republic and ended up meeting with Pablo Escobar to get that hit taken off.
Gianni said he was down in Bogata to meet with Escobar and Escobar recognized him as Carlo from ''The Godfather.'' Gianni said that probably saved his life. Gianni explained to Escobar what had happened with the guy in the club and how his brother was coming after him. Gianni said that the guy's brother came into the country illegally and showed up at his club. Gianni said he watched the guy drinking to see which side he was carrying his gun on. He figured it out and pulled the guy close to him. Then he told him that he had killed his brother right over in the area he was killed in. He then pulled the guy into a corridor and took care of him.
Gianni said that he beat the guy so hard that the autopsy said that he had died of drowning... in his own blood. Gianni said he was jumping on the guy and broke his ribs so the blood filled his lungs and drowned him! Howard told Gianni that he has balls to do something like that and he must have felt good after that. Gianni said that he did and he was glad he did that because the guy had pictures of all of his kids and he was probably going to kill them as well.
Gary said that Gianni has 11 kids with 10 women and 3 pending paternity suits. Howard asked him what he's doing out there. Gianni said that he doesn't wear a rubber because he doesn't wear a rain coat in the shower. Howard said that he wears a rubber all the time because he's a germophobe and doesn't want to catch anything. He also lasts longer when he wears one.
Howard asked Gianni about being involved with Dionne Warwick. He said that he never gave her a baby but he was involved with her for a short time. He was also telling Howard that he's got kids all over the world and he doesn't get to see them all. Howard said he's an old-school guy because he's knocked up chicks all over the place, he's killed guys... Gianni said a lot of the knocking up came from when he was over in France. He said he's been notified about having kids in every way possible.
Howard read that Gianni is writing a book that he's going to call ''Godfathers, Popes and Presidents.'' He found out that Gianni was with President Clinton on 9/11. Gianni said that he and Clinton were trolling for poon tang back then about four days before 9/11. He said that they took some chicks back to his yacht and to the hotel they were staying at. Gianni said that Clinton can draw women away from their husbands when they go out together. He said that no one is like Bill Clinton when it comes to that stuff.
Howard read some more notes about Gianni and was reminded that he was with Marilyn Monroe. Gianni said that she was so fucked up in the head that she wasn't that great in bed. She gave great oral though. She didn't have a great body either. He also dated Liza Minelli on and off for a while. He said that was back in 1972 or so and she was in good shape back then.
Gianni told Howard about how he was 16 years old when he first met Marilyn Monroe. He thinks that she was in her mid-20s at the time and he was cutting hair for a living. He was called over to her place and he knew that he was going to get some from her that night. Howard got all of the details he could about that night. Gianni said that he didn't wear a rubber back then. No one even know about disease back then. He said he went down on her and she was as clean as a whistle. He also said he did her maybe 6 or 8 times that weekend he was with her.
Gianni told Howard some stories about being with Liza Minelli and how they used to have other chicks. He said that they were walking through a show one night and saw a really hot chick and both of them said that they needed her that night... and they had her. Gianni told Howard that he would even throw Liza one these days if she asked because he knows that she probably needs a good lay.
Howard saw that Gianni has a wine out called Il Padrino. He didn't know he was involved in that. Gianni said they just made that available this year. Howard gave him some plugs for some other stuff like his ''Dover Downs'' DVD. He's also going to be down in Atlantic City on Mother's day singing. Howard didn't know that he was a singer either.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this guy is a phony and he couldn't be telling the truth about this stuff. Howard and Fred both believed Gianni though. Another caller said that Gianni was on the show ''Growing up Gotti'' and Victoria Gotti didn't like him. He explained what he saw on the show but he had him confused with someone else. Gianni said he didn't date her and he doesn't think that Victoria aged very well. Gary came in and told him what he heard happened on the show. Gianni corrected him and said that he was just happy to have been able to sing 3 songs on national TV at the time. He couldn't care less if she walked out on him. Howard thanked Gianni for coming in and wrapped up the interview.
Howard said that Richard Christy has been having tooth problems lately so Robin told him that he was on the Wrap Up show yesterday and was drooling because of his mouth problems. Howard said that Richard told him that he made Sal puke the other day. The two of them were screwing around and Sal ended up pulling down his pants and wiped his ass and put it up to his face. Then Richard pulled a big bloody booger out of his nose and put it up to Sal's face. Sal then told him he'd give him a dollar to eat it so Richard went ahead and ate it. Sal freaked out and started puking into a garbage can.
Howard said he can't believe Richard ate his own booger. Richard said he came from him so it doesn't bother him. Richard said that he will kiss a girl after they give him oral because it doesn't bother him.
Howard read some articles about the interview he did with Sean Hannity the other night. He bumped up the ratings for the channel that night. He also said that he'll be on Letterman's show on Monday night to continue his ''Les Moonves is an Asshole Tour.''
Howard took another call about the Gianni Russo interview and spent some more time talking about how fun that was. He then moved on to play some clips from the Sean Hannity interview that aired last night and the night before. In the first clip Howard was talking about how he would like to be known as a great father more than he would like to be known as the King of All Media. In another clip Hannity asked Howard about Mancow but Howard talked about that during yesterday's show so he didn't want to get back into that again.
Hannity asked Howard if he believes in God and Howard said that he's afraid to say that he doesn't because he might die and get in trouble for that. He said that he would have to say yes just in case. He did talk about how much he hates organized religion but wanted to move on. Hannity wouldn't let him off the hook and continued to ask him about the subject. Howard told Robin that he can be swayed one way or another pretty easily.
Howard was asked if he would ever marry his girlfriend Beth. Howard said he doesn't think that will ever happen but they're very happy as they are right now. Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about that interview.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard and the guys saved his life the other day. He said that his wife dropped a Divorce bomb on him so he did some research and found a bunch of letters that his wife and her new man were sending to each other. The guy turns out to be a big lawyer in his town so he figures that he's screwed. He said that the good news is that he went out to his car and was ready to drive himself into a bridge but the radio was on and he heard Sal whining about not getting invited to Howard's daughter's Bat Mitzvah. He said that snapped him out of it and he realized he couldn't kill himself and leave his daughter behind. Howard got off the phone with him because he was boring him but did play Nilsson's song ''Fuck You'' for the guy. They went to break after that.
Jessica told Howard that she's out of work right now and she's not sure what she wants to do. She was thinking of becoming a masseuse but she was just kidding around about that. She said that she doesn't think she'd be that good at giving a guy a hand job though. She said that the pay is pretty good in that line of work though. She said the going rate is about $100 per session. Howard said that if he was a good looking chick and he knew he could make that kind of money, he'd probably do it.
Howard said you'd probably even get a tip on top of the $100. Jessica said she has a cum phobia and she hates the smell. Artie said he does too. Jessica went on to tell a story about going out to a bar the other night and talking to a couple of cops. They knew of her from the show. They were telling her about ass licking that she didn't know that much about and it was pretty freaky stuff.
Howard told Jess that her father would freak out if she became a masseuse. He then moved on to talk to Bob a little more. He said that his audience didn't know that Bob was a dirty comedian because they could never play his stuff on the show in the past. Howard wanted to hear him say something dirty so he asked him to tell a dirty joke.
Bob said that his wife wasn't into oral that much when they were together and he didn't find that out until their wedding night. He said that she refused to give him oral because he pees out of there. Bob said he said to her ''Well what comes out of you, birthday cake?'' There was a cell phone ringing as the story was going on so Jess picked it up and saw that it was her mother. Bob said he didn't think she had SIRIUS but Jess said her boyfriend bought it for her.
Howard said that Bob is married to Jess' best friend and he's got a 1 year old kid now so you'd think that Bob and his ex could get along. Jess said that will never happen. They don't get along and they never will. Bob's ex won't even mention the other woman's name when she talks to her on the phone. She will actually hang up on her if she bring up her name. Howard said he's sorry to hear that. Bob said that his ex will tell him about her boyfriend all the time but he can't bring up his wife's name. The ex will actually call her ''the other person'' instead of using her name.
Bob said that he got a call from his 15 year old daughter one night that he was supposed to be working at Carolines and told him that she had gotten her period. She also told him that she had tried pot about 2 minutes before he was supposed to go on stage. Jess said that she's done it more than once and she's gotten calls from her when she was stoned the second, third, fourth and fifth times.
Bob also said that his 15 year old went to a Rainbow party where all of the girls wear different color lipsticks and give oral to guys to create a rainbow on their dicks.
The guys brought up Bob's son who died when he was just 11 years old. Bob said that he wanted to get his kid stoned and laid before he died. He went to the Make a Wish foundation and told them that his son wanted to see Dolly Parton blow him and freaked out the woman from the foundation.
Howard gave Bob a plug for a gig he has this weekend at the Gotham Club in New York City. Bob thought he was going to be there tonight through Sunday but Howard's note said it was just Saturday and Sunday.
Bob told Howard that he's been out in Los Angeles driving by Mancow billboards that read ''King of Free Media'' and he wonders where the hell that comes from. That got Howard started on Les Moonves again. He was talking about what a ''fucking scumbag'' Les is. They also goofed on the free media thing.
Jess told Howard that she doesn't have a boyfriend right now and the last time she got laid was back in August. She said that she's never had a guy from New York before so she doesn't want to leave until she does. She has a friend back in Los Angeles who will bang her so that's probably what she'll be doing instead. She said she doesn't even want to spend the night with the guy.
Bob said that he's got a dog by the name of Charlie and he pulled a prank on the dog by going out to the back yard, picked up the dogs shit, put it in the kitchen and called the dog into the room. He then asked the dog ''What the fuck is that'' and the dog looked very confused as if it didn't remember shitting in the kitchen.
Jon Hein gave Howard a quick update about what they'll be talking about on The Wrap Up Show today. They'll be talking about Artie reciting all of the lines from The Godfather movie. They'll also be talking about Eric the Midget's radio show. Howard said that the key is to just put Eric in a room and let him take phone calls, that's the answer on how to produce it. Howard would rather hear that horrible show than the horrible show he did with Brian Dunkleman. They're also going to talk about the new hit Baba Booey song parody that's to the tune of Kanye West and Jamie Foxx's ''Gold Digger'' song. We heard a little bit of that.
Howard quickly went through the Top 5 Songs in the country which included songs by Mary J. Blidge, Nelly, Sean Paul, Beyonce and James Blunt. Howard wrapped up with Jon and had Robin get to her news.
Lori Levine called in during the news so Howard could ask her about the gift baskets that were given out at the Oscar party that Beth went to the other night. Howard told Lori that Beth is upset that she didn't get her second basket yet. Lori said that they're being a little impatient and it takes time to put those things out. Howard said that she just keeps talking and talking and doesn't stop. Lori told Howard to be patient and they'll get the basket. She said that none of them shipped until yesterday anyway.
Howard asked Lori why she would think that Billy Baldwin is more important than Gary and Artie who also showed up at that party. She said that he's assuming that they're not getting anything else and that might not be the case. Howard ended up hanging up on her so Robin could get back to her news.
After a break during the news Howard spent some time talking to Bob about his ex-wife and their relationship. Howard said he thinks that Bob must still love her in some way because she always seems to be on his mind. Jess said that if her father had never met Melissa, he'd probably still be with her mother. She thinks that he likes to have options and if Melissa died, he'd probably go back to his ex-wife.
Howard said that he loves that the Intern Show is about something. He said that Double A sounded like Joe Pesci in that clip. With all of the wars and other problems in this world, he finds it interesting that Double A and an intern are fighting about getting on the air on The Howard Stern Show. He got back to the audio clip where Double A were arguing. Double A was really pissed and started to calm down a little bit until Double A bragged about how great the Wack Pack show was and how much better it is than the Intern Show. Double A said that he was challenging the Interns to a Wack Pack Challenge where five of each of them would battle it out.
One of the last stories that Robin did was about Sharon Stone doing nude scenes in the sequel to Fatal Attraction. That led to the guys talking about ugly vaginas and Jessica asking her father whose looked better, her mother's or Melissa's. Bob said he seems to remember her mother's looking like his grandmother's eating food without her teeth in.
Jessica gave out her e-mail address and told the guys to send their pictures. Her e-mail address is JessicaSchimmel@yahoo.com. Howard ended the show around 10:35am
Howard said that the 'I'm out of control' Artie Lange show is right next to him this morning. Artie was eating some Devil Dogs and root beer. Artie told him that the vending machine is going to kill him. He walks in the room and buys whatever he feels like buying. He said his funeral flashes in front of his eyes as he's buying it though. Howard said it's as if Artie just doesn't care like a little kid. Artie said that's about right. He said he almost freaked out when he saw that there was only diet root beer in the fridge.
Artie said that he thinks he's spinning out of control right now but Howard doesn't believe he believes that. Artie said he's heavier than he's been in a long time and he really doesn't feel comfortable.
Robin said that Forbes magazine had a list of the worst vending machine foods and they mentioned most of the stuff that Artie eats. She said that Pop Tarts have no nutritional value at all.
Artie said that he ordered a Chicken Parm for him last night from Uptown Pizza and they had it to his apartment within 11 minutes. He said they've even stopped charging him for the food but he throws the delivery guy a $20 bill. He said he's begged the owner to charge him for it but he refuses. He said that if he bought the food it would cost him about $8. Now that they don't charge him, it costs him like $20. He said the guy is really happy with the plugs he's gotten for his pizzeria so that's why he's stopped charging him.
Artie said he had a side of pasta with the chicken parm as well. They'll even bring him a newspaper on the weekends if they know he hasn't left his apartment. Gary came in and said that one of the engineers said that Artie offered him $500 to fill up his iPod for him. He can't do it himself so he pays someone else to do it.
Robin read some of that article she was reading and saw that the cookies that Artie eats out of the vending machine have 14 grams of fat in them. The Hostess cupcakes have 9 grams of fat. Richard Christy came in and said that he was eating some Special K bars that were in the vending machine and they took those out to fill up the machine with Artie's stuff.
Richard thought that the Special K bars were healthy but Howard told him that they're about as healthy as a Snickers bar. Artie said that Richard is the same guy who thinks that eating at a Chinese restaurant is healthy. Howard told him that the sauce they put on all of the food he eats isn't as healthy as he thinks. Howard told him to get the sauce on the side so it's not smothered in it.
Artie said that he's trying to fill up his iPod with music so he can go out and jog and stuff like that so he can lose some weight. He was saying that some of these guys who he's asked to fill up his iPod have tried to convince him that he's going to like some new band and he never does. He tells them that he only likes the bands he likes, he doesn't want to hear anything new. The last guy who filled it up for him gave him some Maroon 5 crap that was too gay for him. He also said that he had some Coldplay on there and he can't take that crap. He said he's looking to exercise, not suck cock.
Fred played some Coldplay for the guys so they could hear some of the 'gay' music that Artie was talking about. Artie said that when he works out he wants to rock. So does Howard. Howard said that he's asked his buddy Richie to play some rockin' music at the gym but they have older people working out there and they don't want that stuff. Howard said that he hasn't been to the gym since he got on the I Hate Les Moonves tour. He's just been too sick since then.
Howard said that he was at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah and his cousin came up to him and rubbed his back. As the guy was doing that he told Howard he felt some fat on his back. Howard said he really has to work out again. Artie said that Howard took him down to the gym one day and the place was stunning. It's a private place where Howard doesn't have to show his dick to anyone.
Richard said that he goes to a gym where there are a lot of guys showing their penises. He said he'll bend down to pick up his bag and there will be guys dicks right in his face. Richard said that he won't even shower at the gym. He goes home to shower and he doesn't bother cleaning his clothes every time either. He said he sprays himself down with deodorant so he doesn't stink. Howard said that he has to stink when he does that.
Howard said he went to a gym where a woman used to stink really bad when she'd show up. He doesn't know exactly what the smell was but she reeked. Artie said he knew a guy who stunk of body odor and one of his friends would call the guy ''Man-You-Smell'' instead of Manuel.
Richard said he likes when they pan over the audience and you see guys dancing up on the balcony. That's the gayest part of the show. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about some of the other stuff that went on during the show. Gary and Howard talked about one of the girls who shows her belly each week and it's hanging over her pants. Gary doesn't understand how young girls like that can not know that they're too fat for shirts that show off their bellies.
Howard said that the fat black chick on the show is disgusting and she should be a background singer, not a star. He said that they're looking for American Idol and a fat black chick is not going to win. No one wants to go see a big fat girl, or guy, and that's why no one has heard from Ruben Studdard since he won.
Gary said he was reading a story about Kelly Pickler's mother in the tabloids and they were saying that she takes guys money and runs. As he was talking about that Howard saw that Eric the Midget Actor was on the phone. He picked up and told Eric that his show was horrible and he wasn't able to listen to more than one minute of it. He said that he shouldn't have let Dunkleman take over the show the way he did. Robin said that they should give Brian a break because he was told he was the host of the show so that's why he took over.
Howard said that Eric should have thrown Brian out of the studio. Eric said that they did throw one of his friends out. Howard read some e-mail about the show. One guy said that it was the best show since Howard's but Dunkleman sucked. Another person said they actually liked Brian. Another guy said it was great when there was dead air and Eric had to think about what to say.
Howard asked Eric if he would have Dunkleman on again. Eric said he liked having him there but if no one else did, he won't have him back. One person said that they liked when Jessica Hahn called in and got Eric to talk. Artie said he likes Jessica but that call was annoying, he didn't want her to interview him like that. Howard read through a bunch of other e-mails where people bashed Brian Dunkleman.
Howard said that Eric is doing the show on his own next time. He said that a lot of e-mailers thought that the show wouldn't have been listenable if Dunkleman wasn't on. A lot of people thought that Eric doing a show of his own would be a disaster. That's what Howard is looking for though. Robin said that Brian was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday saying he was ready to kill himself as he heard Howard ragging on him yesterday.
Howard had some clips from Eric's show to play so he played one where Eric was critiquing the contestants. Robin was laughing as soon as she heard Eric speak. The guys started making fun of his voice within seconds of that. Howard figures that Eric would be floundering if Brian Dunkleman wasn't there. Dunkleman was laughing as Eric was reading from his notes. Howard thought that was pretty funny. Fred was goofing on his broken speech and doing an impression of Eric.
Howard was listening to Eric rambling and he said that maybe they do need Dunkleman there. Eric started to talk about the latest American Idol show and had a lot of thoughts on what's going on with the contestants on the show. He said that he thinks that some of the girls on the show have good enough voices that they could get their own recording contracts. Howard said that's really weird, you're supposed to vote for the best, not for someone who might not have a chance of making it on their own.
Artie said that he didn't mind Dunkleman in the clips he heard. Howard said that what he was going for was a show where everyone would turn off their radios at the same time because the show was so bad. That didn't happen. He asked Eric if he would like to do the show on his own next time. Eric said he would. Howard said it would be Eric, the mic and the fans. Artie said it would eventually become just Eric and the mic...
Eric said he didn't like the negative calls he got on the show. Howard played some clips of those calls. One guy called in and said that Eric sucks and he hates his voice on the channel. He said he would rather hear Dunkleman's voice than Eric's. Robin said that Dunkleman was saying that Eric's father came with him and he's a really big guy who scared him. They had to sit him in a room where he couldn't hear the show so he wouldn't beat the crap out of Brian.
Eric said that he heard that Ralph wanted to produce his show. Howard said he can produce it but he should stay off the air. Howard let Eric go a short time later and took some other phone calls.
Howard said that the death of Cliff is a big deal and he asked Tim Sabean to create some clips that they can play on his channels to remember Cliff. He went on to talk about what a ballsy move it was for him to move to satellite and now CBS is trying to glom on with this law suit they've filed against him. He said he's heard that Steve Lehrman over at CBS has been digging through people's e-mail trying to find some dirt on him. He's apparently working overtime over there trying to dig stuff up. He didn't fight for Howard when he was working there but he's fighting for this case.
Howard read some mail about his Hannity and Colmes interview. He also mentioned that he'll be on Letterman's show on Monday and he heard that Les Moonves has asked Letterman to be mean to him or something like that. Howard said that Les has no control over Dave's show and Dave isn't going to cancel him or anything like that. He said that if Les had a good case in this law suit, he would keep him off of the show. Howard said he's got a great idea for a t-shirt. He's going to have one made up with a picture of Les Moonves and his wife out a party and he's going to tell Dave that Les is busy partying while the radio division is crumbling. It took him a while to figure out which picture to use. Howard said he may actually have a couple of t-shirts made up so he can do some costume changes during Dave's show.
Howard read that XM radio can no longer say that they have ''commercial free music'' because of a deal they have with Clear Channel. He said that they're just falling apart over there. Artie said that's a major selling point and it could be disastrous for them. Howard said that having Clear Channel running some of the channels is kind of crazy. Artie said that would be like having the Red Sox running the Yankees. It makes no sense at all.
Howard said he would be furious if he had gone over there and learned that Clear Channel was running stuff. He also said that he read a story the other day about the guy who resigned from the board of directors there and it turns out that was a scam.
Howard read some e-mail about Gianni Russo who was on the show yesterday. There was some controversy about the stories he was telling about killing a couple of guys. He said that Jason was searching for more information on that story and he wasn't able to find anything. A lot of fans thought he was lying about a lot of that stuff. Howard didn't have any way of proving or disproving him so he just went with it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw a picture of Howard in Us Weekly and he really looks horrible. Howard explained how he went out to take his dog for a walk and some asshole was out taking pictures and snapping away. He wasn't prepared for a photo shoot and he didn't know that he was going to be photographed. He used to fight it in the past but he doesn't care now. He knows that he's not a good looking guy and he knows that he's falling apart. He's just accepting that now. That's how he looks and he has no control over that.
Howard said that he's no Brad Pitt and he knows that. He said he sometimes feels like he looks okay but at other times he looks horrible. He said he's done trying to look good. He's thought about getting some surgery done on his face but Beth thinks he'd look even stranger if he had his face pulled back. Howard said he's not even sure if he would do another movie if he was offered something. That led to the guys talking about some guys who are still making movies who don't look that great. Artie was talking about the movies he played best friends in. Howard said that he likes the TV show ''How I Met Your Mother'' because the guy on that show isn't all that good looking and the girls he dates on the show are fat. He believes that because it's more realistic.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she was listening to Bubba's show the other day when Howard called in. She said that Bubba said that he gets chills after talking to Howard and she wondered if Howard thinks that all of these people are blowing smoke up his ass. Howard said he really doesn't care either way. She said that she thinks Howard is a genius. Howard said she wasn't making much of a point so he was going to hang up on her but they kept talking about the subject. She ended up getting into an argument with Robin as well about the medical terms that she uses on the show. Howard asked them not to argue and got the woman off the phone. He went to break after that.
Howard wanted to throw in some Billy Joel or something like that because he thinks that ''Downeaster Alexa'' is the best song that guy ever made. Fred played some of that song but Artie doesn't think that it's his best. He said he likes ''Miami 2017'' better than that. Howard told him he was ruining the song talking over it.
Howard and Artie were talking about how passionate some people are about music and how pissed off they can get if you say something about the bands they like.
Howard said that he thought about all of that and figured that they could repeat the show and maybe the Wrap Up Show and Howard 100 News on one channel. He said he thinks that they're going to give everyone the show all day long on one channel and the other shows on the other channel. He said this will all start on Monday. They will come on from 6-10 in the morning, then the Wrap Up Show after the show. Then Howard 100 News will be on. Then the show will rerun on Howard 100 and it will also be running on Howard 101 for the West coast. Then the show will rerun after the 6 o'clock news on Howard 100.
On Howard 101 they'll have the West coast feed, all of the special shows, Bubba's show and all of that stuff. They may add some other shows on that channel as well. They will rerun Bubba's show on Howard 101. The show will be available whenever anyone wants it basically.
Tim Sabean came in and told Howard that they're going to rerun the show on Saturday's and Sundays as well so people can tune in and hear them when they could never hear them before. People can now tune over to another station if they don't want to hear his show on Howard 100.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loves the idea because he used to record the show in MP3 and listen to it in the car. Now he'll be able to tune in and hear the show all day. Howard also said that the internet feed should be available eventually. Right now he's hearing that it will be fully operational in June. He doesn't know why it's taking that long though. He said that he thinks that Howard 100 News should do an investigation into that.
The caller was also asking Howard why he doesn't make his TV shows available on the web. Howard said it would be nice if they could do that for subscribers but he's not sure if that's possible. Tim asked the caller if he listens to Howard's show at regular times. The caller was explaining how he listens on his way into work and home from work. Howard cut him off and took another call from a guy who said he likes this new format idea. Howard said that this is what people are demanding so that's what he's going to give them.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said that this is the best idea ever. He said that he'll love to hear the show on his way home from work. Howard thought that people just didn't want to hear him all day so that's why he wasn't rerunning the show all day. Now he realizes that's exactly what people want though. He hears people loud and clear and that's why they're making the change.
Tim told Howard that they get a lot of input from the fans at SternFanNetwork and it's great to be able to respond like this.
Howard said that Elegant Elliot Offen was there and he's not sure what's going to happen this time. The last time he was on, he only lasted 3 minutes before he walked out. Gary was ready to send the guy away because he said he has a gag order on him about the accident he was involved with. You could hear Gary and Elliot yelling out in the hallway.
Gary grabbed a wireless mic so he could talk to Elliot out there in the hallway. Elliot said that he was told not to talk about the accident he was involved with. Elliot was saying he had another story to talk about and as he was describing it, he punched a hole in the wall! Elliot wanted to talk about how he punched some guy out in the Stage Deli years ago. He said that it was this guy Joe Corson who was working at the deli at the time. Elliot ended up walking out and gave Howard a couple of ''Fuck Yous'' as he was leaving. Howard said a couple of Fuck Yous right back at him. Elliot was still yelling as he was walking out and threatening to punch Howard out.
Gary said that he's not sure why Elliot wouldn't come in and it was wild when he punched the wall like he did. He seems to have lost it over the past few months. Howard said he really wanted to get the guy in there because he finds him so interesting no matter what. Gary said that he'll probably call back and reschedule though. He tried to chase him down to get him back in there but he was already in the elevator.
Howard heard that Shuli does a great impression of Elliot so he wanted to get him in there but he was on his way down to Baltimore... like a bunch of other guys from the show. Mike Gange, Doug Goodstein, Richie Wilson and others from In Demand are on their way down there. Howard said they always complain that they don't have money for stuff yet they'll go on a trip to Baltimore.
Mike Gange came in and said that they're heading down tonight, they're working today. He said that Doug is working and he's working as well.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that Elliot is great when he comes on. He also said that he loves the format change that Howard announced and he's going to love being able to hear the show 24 hours a day.
Howard asked Amy if she really wants to talk to Joey and Mary Jo. Amy said it's not a big need but she would like to talk to them. David said that this is not going to be a pay-per-view event. He said he wanted Howard to do an interview and then put it on pay-per-view. David said he has to pay them a reasonable amount of money but he wouldn't say what he wanted to pay them. He said he has paid them some money but they have a lot more to make.
David said that Amy is going to do Playboy so Howard asked her if that was true. She said that she might do it but nothing sounded like it was set. Gary said that David said that he wasn't going to talk that much but he was talking quite a bit this morning. Howard said he was asking David to talk but his phone was screwed up and echoing.
Howard said that Joey Buttafuoco is probably going to call Amy names on this show. He was asking her about that stuff and she said she didn't want to talk about the old days, she wanted to stay with the current day. Howard said that the guy she's married to seems to look kind of like Joey did. She has a type and it's not surprising that she's with this guy.
Gary said that he read that Amy got a disease from Joey when she was with him back then. Amy didn't want to talk about that and she said that she thinks that no one wants to hear about that stuff. Howard said that Amy has to come clean and talk about the past if he's going to do the interview. Amy said she'll talk about that stuff when she gets paid.
Howard asked Amy about being with Joey and if he was her first. She said that he was her first adult. He was so good in bed that she ended up shooting Joey's wife in the face. Amy said that she lost her virginity at 16 and things went down hill quickly after that. Gary asked her if she ever took money for sex when she was a kid. She said she did but she didn't say if Joey was her pimp.
Amy claims that she can't remember exactly what was going on back then. Howard said that he wasn't putting her down, he just wanted to know what was going on. She was being kind of difficult but David said that they're going to save all of this stuff for the special show they're putting together. Howard asked David to stop talking because he didn't want to interview him.
Howard asked Amy if she shot Mary Jo because Joey asked her to. She said it wasn't because of that, there were other things going on. She said she was doing other things at the time that led to that. She didn't want to talk about doing drugs or anything but that's what she seemed to be referring to. David said that's the kind of stuff they're not going to talk about.
Howard told David that this is kind of a bummer for him and he doesn't get what the point is if he can't talk to her about this stuff. Howard told him that people aren't going to care if they're not going to talk about the interesting stuff. He told him that if he doesn't shut the f-up, he can't talk to them.
Amy told Howard that Joey does things that every woman wants, that's why she fell for him and that's why other women fall for him. She said that if you have low self-esteem, it happens even quicker. Howard asked her where she got the gun but she claims that she doesn't remember. She said that Joey didn't give it to her, it came from a friend of hers. She said that things were different back in the 90s and kids were going around pretending to be gangsters so there were guns available.
Howard asked Amy about the prostitution thing. She said that she only did it a few times and it was only when she needed money. Howard told her that she could have gotten thousands of dollars for doing stuff like that back then because she was a hot white chick. She said that she just did what she needed to do at the time and that was it. She wasn't thinking about making a lot of money, she just asked for whatever she needed.
Amy said that she wasn't the person she is now back then and she didn't think about what she was doing. If she had thought about it ahead of time, she wouldn't have done things the way she did. Howard asked her about having sex with Joey and found out he didn't use a rubber. She said she may have gotten some kind of disease from him but she's hoping that it's gone now. It was nothing major though.
Howard said that Joey used to brag that he gave her the first orgasm she ever had. She said that was true so Howard figured that must be why she was willing to go so nuts back then. She ended up doing seven years in prison for what she did.
Amy said that she thought that jail was disgusting and she really hated that. Howard asked her if she's told her kids about what she did. She said that they're 5 and 1 right now so they're a little young to learn that stuff. Howard said that she'll eventually have to tell them about it because the kids will talk. Gary said that 6 and 7 year olds don't talk about it but their parents probably do talk about it in front of their kids.
Howard thought that Amy and Mary Jo had met sometime after the shooting but Amy said that never happened. Amy said that she has written letters to Mary Jo and they have gone back and forth with letters for a while now. Howard said that he was very angry at Amy for what she did to that very nice woman. He said he feels so bad for Mary Jo because of what she has to go through.
Howard asked Amy if she could ever forgive someone who shot her in the face. Amy said that Mary Jo must be looking for that because she did agree to do this reunion. Robin asked Amy if she ever thought about not bringing kids into this world because she might have mental problems. Amy said she doesn't believe that she's mentally ill and she believes that she's a good mother so she never thought about not having kids.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed to be an officer at the prison she was in and she was lying about what she said earlier. He claims that she was ripping it up with the other inmates and even flashed him. Amy said that's the kind of person that was watching her do everything when she was in prison.
Howard asked David who will be doing the interview for the pay-per-view event. David said they have a couple of people they're thinking about but it all depends on the venue. Howard said that will be a very important thing. Howard took a call from a woman who asked it was true that she has changed her look through plastic surgery. She did do that but didn't change it enough. She's trying to be a decent person in her life now and she's trying to get past all of that.
Howard asked Amy if she has guns in her house now. She said they do not. He took a call from a guy who said that maybe someone should put a bullet in the side of Amy's face so she can know what it's like. Amy said that's just Howard's audience coming after her and she's really trying to make a better life for herself. Howard told Amy that he believes that people like her should be put to death even if they don't actually kill a person. Her intent was to kill Mary Jo so he thinks that maybe she should have been put down.
Amy threatened to hang up if Howard kept taking calls from the negative callers. He kept taking them and Amy stuck around. Howard said that he would love to have Amy, Joey and Mary Jo on the show tomorrow but David Krieff is looking to sell the show himself so that might not happen.
Howard took a call from a guy who apologized to Amy for the Howard Stern audience and then asked her if Joey ever gave her anal or if he ''shot her in the face.'' Amy said that she's not that kind of girl and she doesn't do that stuff. Jessica Hahn called in and said that it's not just the Howard Stern audience that will treat her the way they were. It comes from people outside of that audience as well. She was saying that Amy is always going to be known for this Mary Jo thing. Amy said that she's willing to talk about this stuff but not on Howard's show. She wants to save it for the special that David is putting together. Howard asked her if she would do a reality show where she, Joey and Mary Jo lived together in the same house. Artie added that there would be a hidden gun in the house too. Amy said she would live in the same house but the gun idea didn't fly with her.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and asked Amy where she was with her gun when he got married. Amy didn't think that was funny but Bob told her that was another book she could write. Howard asked her if she would ever consider shooting other wives. Amy said they shouldn't be making light of what she did and she doesn't want to joke about that stuff.
A woman called in and pointed out that Amy did go to jail for 7 years for what she did and she believes that people can redeem themselves. Howard said that if Amy had gone to her house and shot her mother in the face, there's no way she'd be forgiving her for what she did. The woman said that she's not in that situation and she might feel differently if she was, but she thinks that people deserve a shot at redemption.
Howard took a call from another woman who said she agrees with the last caller and it's really up to Mary Jo to forgive Amy. Gary asked Amy if her husband knew who she was when he met her. She said she told him within 20 minutes of meeting her so he was aware of it. David said that the guy is a former NYPD guy. Gary said that in the notes it said that the two of them met online and they both lied about who they were in their profiles.
Howard wrapped up with Amy and David and let them go. He said that was an exclusive interview but Robin said it was a bizarre kind of thing to speak to her. Howard agrees and said that he is torn because he thinks about poor Mary Jo getting shot in the face. It's a very heavy thing to pick up a gun and shoot someone in the face. Howard said there's no way he would be able to forgive anyone if they shot his wife in the face. He said he'd go right down to the court house and shoot her right in the face if that happened to him. He said it was a hard decision to make to talk to Amy on the air. He said he actually feels safer talking to her than Elegant Elliot Offen though.
Howard took a couple more phone calls and ended up talking about watching some porn last night. He said he watched Savanna Samson and Jenna Jameson in The Devil and Miss Jones but had to fast forward about 30 minutes before he found something he could whack off to.
A woman called in and said that she hates that Amy Fisher. Howard was telling this chick that he wanted to rip off her panties... He was all worked up after talking about the porn stuff. He was complaining that Time Warner may have taken his porn On Demand channel away from him. He had to take a break after that.
Howard said it appears that Dave now knows how hard the job can really be. Now Dave seems to realize that Howard is a genius and it's not nearly as easy as he thought it was going to be. Howard said that it says in the paper today that Roth thinks that he's going to be fired. Howard said that if that happens, CBS probably won't pay him either. They'll come up with some way to get out of paying him.
Howard played the first clip which was David Lee Roth talking about his meeting with Tom Chiusano. Roth says that he thinks that he's pretty unique starting in the industry at the age of 51 and his contemporaries have been in the business for 20 years. Howard interrupted and said this guy really loves to talk. In another clip Dave talks about the meeting he had with Mark Chernoff and tried to explain to them that he only knows how to be himself.
Roth claims that he's been taking phone calls from all over the world on his radio show. Howard wondered how he would be getting calls like that. Gary said ''Wrong number...'' Howard said he's so glad he's on satellite now because he doesn't have to worry about ratings anymore.
In another audio clip from Howard 100 News, Roth talks about how this is the hardest job he's ever had. Roth said that Howard is one of his heroes and he knew that he was going to take his audience with him. He said that he didn't know how difficult the job would actually be and he's not sure if he'll last 6 months or a year.
Howard found another clip where Steve Langford asked Dave about how they wanted Dave to become Howard Stern. Dave said that they did ask him to configure his show in a way that would imitate Howard's show. He doesn't want to do that of course because that kind of formula can only fail.
Dave was asked for his thoughts on the lawsuit that CBS filed against Howard. Dave doesn't know all of the details yet but he's thinking that it could be a frivolous suit that would be dropped. He said he can only reflect on the things that he's read so far. Howard said that Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne were there so he was going to move on to them.
Howard talked to Sharon about how good she's looking. She said that she had about $200,000 worth of work done. She had her eyes lasered because she hates the way they look when they're cut. She said that they took some fat from her stomach and put it in her face in strategic areas. Howard told her that she really looks pretty with the surgery.
Howard said that Ozzy was so not hot when he first met her. Ozzy has stuck with her since then and now she looks great. Howard asked Ozzy if that was when he was cheating on her the most, when she wasn't that good looking. Ozzy was saying that he would regret it each time he was with another woman back then. He was also talking about how he's back on some anti-depressants and he's unable to get it up for anyone now.
Sharon is also on some anti-depressants because she's depressed about all of the things she doesn't have. Howard told Sharon that he'd do her in a flash if he could. He said he'd give it to her hard too.
Howard asked Ozzy about what he said about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in the past. Ozzy said he really doesn't have the right to say that because there are 3 other members of Black Sabbath so he's doing it for them. He's not going to perform at the induction though. The rest of the band don't want to perform according to Ozzy. Sharon said that Tony doesn't want to do it, that's the problem.
Ozzy was saying that he can't drink these days and he can't even screw so it's basically over for him. He said he's still writing songs though. Sharon said he can still do that stuff so it's not completely over. Howard said he heard that Sharon had her breasts up to a 34-DD at one time but she just had them reduced. Howard thought that Ozzy loved them and asked Sharon why she reduced them. Sharon said that she found it hard to find clothes to fit her. She said she took them down to a 34-B! Howard sounded shocked by that.
Howard asked Sharon to show him her breasts. Sharon said that her son would disown her if she did something like that. Howard asked how Jack is doing and if he's still living at home. Jack and Kelly are both skinny now and not living at home. They said that Jack owns four homes of his own now. Kelly owns 2 houses. Sharon said that Jack rents out some of his homes, they're investments to him. She said that he's been clean and sober for 3 years now.
Howard asked Ozzy if he gets pissed that Jack is banging Kate Moss because he never wrote a hit song of his own. Sharon was telling Howard that Jack gets into his Aston Martin and drives his model girlfriend up to one of his four houses so he's doing just fine. Sharon said that Kelly is doing 2 TV shows over in the UK now so she's doing very well also.
Howard read that Johnny Depp and Colin Farrel are both trying to get a role playing the part of Ozzy in a movie about his life. Sharon and Ozzy talked about how big Colin's dick is in the home sex tape that's floating around the web. She was saying that Ozzy's dick is like a donkey's as well so that's who should play the part.
Howard asked Ozzy if he's gotten things together financially because they had issues in the past. Sharon told Howard that she earns her own money but Howard said that Ozzy is the big money earner in the family. Sharon said that she earned $10 million of her own money last year. Howard asked her what that was based on. She said that she may have spent about $15 million last year though.
Sharon wrote a book about her life and Ozzy hasn't read it yet. In the book she claims that Ozzy drugged her. She said he put pot in her stew one time. Howard asked Ozzy what that was all about. Ozzy said that someone else did that and he had nothing to do with drugging her. He said he loved the stew himself but Sharon hated it because she was trying to get off of drugs. She said it was the worst experience of her life.
Howard said that he would find it hard to stay married to someone if she wrote something about him that wasn't true. Sharon asked Howard to stop because she was going to get Ozzy all wound up. Howard said that Ozzy is upset and she should apologize. He read another part of her book where she claims that Ozzy tried to kill her. Ozzy said he was all drugged up back then and he doesn't even remember doing it. Howard read the excerpt from the book and it sounded pretty funny actually. Ozzy came to her one night and said to her ''We have come to a decision...'' and Sharon said ''Yeah'' kind of sarcastically. Then Ozzy says to her ''We've decided that you must die.'' Sharon called the cops and they came down and arrested him. He was so high that he didn't remember doing anything like that.
Howard said that it's good to see Ozzy in a good mood even if he's on drugs to keep him happy. He remembers the days when he would get really pissed at the midget he used to bring on tour with him. Ozzy said that guy is dead now. He apparently killed himself. Ozzy once threw him in the baggage compartment of the tour bus. Sharon said they used to make him climb up to the top bunk in the tour bus as well because he had to climb all the way up there.
Richard Christy came in and said that Sharon is the best advertisement for plastic surgery because she looks like a young Carmen Electra now. He also asked Sharon about a fight they were having with the guys from Iron Maiden. She told a story about how Bruce Dickinson bad mouthing Ozzy while they were on tour together and how she got back at them by having a bunch of people throwing eggs and peanut butter at the band after they bad mouthed Ozzy.
Ozzy said he told Sharon not to put them on the tour because he knew that they were trouble. No one would listen to him though. Sharon said that she met a lot of Hispanic people when she was in the hospital for cancer. She ended up calling those people to help her out with the egg throwing at the concert. That's how she worked that out. She said that the band continued to perform even while they had egg shell on their faces.
Howard said that the new Ozzfest tour starts this summer and you can find out more about that at OzzFest.com. He took some phone calls and one guy said that these two are the best guests ever. One guy asked what ever happened to the battle Sharon was having with Insane Clown Posse. Sharon said she never thinks about those guys anymore.
Captain Janks called in and asked Sharon if she ever let Randy Rhodes get a little mud on the helmet. Sharon didn't want to talk about that and asked Howard if he wanted to talk about all of the guys she's banged. Howard said that she banged Jay Leno. That led to them talking about the relationship she had with Leno many years ago. Sharon didn't know what Janks was referring to with the mud on the helmet thing. She just laughed when Howard told her what he meant.
Sharon and Ozzy were arguing about the days when Sharon was with Randy Rhodes. Ozzy claims he was divorced at the time but Sharon said that he was banging the ex-wife back then. He kept saying ''No, no, no, no... '' when she'd mention that. They spent a few minutes on that. Sharon was telling Howard that Ozzy cheated on her all the time. She said that Ozzy even did a chick that Lemmy had done one time.
Howard asked Sharon and Ozzy if they would ever do another season of The Osbournes for MTV. Sharon said that they lost all of the money they got for that show because they were sued and had to settle because of the cost of legal fees. She said that some guys claimed that they were the creators of the show and they ended up settling. Sharon said that they lost every bit they made because of that.
Howard asked Sharon if she's going to do any of the guys in the band when they go to this Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. She said that there's a better chance of her going down on Mother Theresa. Howard said that Ozzy doesn't want to be at that event and asked him why he's going. Howard figured it was because of Sharon. Ozzy said he's going there to support the rest of Black Sabbath.
Howard gave Ozzy and Sharon some more plugs and then wrapped up and went to break.
George Flowers came in with a Howard 100 News preview. He quickly went over all of the stuff that Lisa G had gone over earlier in the morning. They have a lot of stories to cover today.
Jon Hein was also in to give an Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said that they will be talking about Ozzy coming in and how the interns in the back don't realize how big he was. There will also be discussions about Amy Fisher and David Krieff's call and about Elegant Elliot Offen's strange visit this morning. Howard thanked them for coming in and then moved on to Mike Walker.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Sal came in and said that Gary asked him to write him some jokes but not to make them jokey. Gary said he asked him not to make fun of Scores. Sal thought he was delivering them horribly. Sal tried to defend his jokes but they still weren't flying. Sal said it would be more like a speech than jokes. Howard told Gary not to use any of them, he should just talk and he'd be more interesting.
Sal said that when Gary talks he just gets stuff thrown at him. He also said that he's been busy in the back with Richard working on some good stuff. Richard came with a joke of his own... Knock knock...Who's there?... Sal's jokes...Sal's jokes who?... Sal's jokes suck!
Sal said that he's got some great jokes for the Daniel Carver roast that's coming up this month. He said that everyone is going down this time. Gary told Howard that Earthquake the comedian is booked for that roast. He said that Patrice O'Neal turned it down for some reason. That led to Sal going off on Patrice and some other comedians. Nick DiPaolo is one of the guys that Sal doesn't get along with. Sal said that Nick treats him like shit when they're out on the road. He told some stories about how poorly he feels he was treated. Howard said that a lot of people don't want to talk to Sal and he can understand why Nick wouldn't speak to him.
Sal said that Patrice O'Neal just isn't funny to him. He said he thinks that he sucks as a comedian but that's just his opinion. Gary is going to be down at Scores tonight so he gave him a plug for that. Richard told Sal that he should write some Baba Booey jokes for Gary instead of those other 'jokes' that he had. Howard sent them on their way and had Robin get back to her news.
Howard told Jeff that he's funny when he yells and curses on the air but he can't imagine an hour of that. Howard asked him what he would do on the show if he had his own. Jeff said he wasn't sure but Howard put him on the spot and told him to take a phone call. Jeff said he hasn't put any thought into a show yet. Howard said he's not going to put any thought into any show. The caller asked Jeff how wasted he is today. Jeff said that he's not wasted that much. Howard let them go back and forth for a few seconds but that didn't go over very well.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric so Jeff went off on him cursing him out. Eric didn't know that Howard had just asked Jeff to curse at the next caller so Eric went nuts yelling at Jeff about the way he was acting on the Wack Pack Show. Howard told Eric to call in as a sexy girl to see how Jeff could handle that. He did that and Jeff wasn't able to play along very long knowing that it was Eric playing the girl.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she thinks Jeff would be great on his own show but Howard had a feeling she was going to say that. He let them all go a short time later so Robin could get back to the news.
Howard was talking about how he really has fun doing the radio show these days but he's started to slow down the work with his production company lately because everyone is such a pain in the ass. He said that as long as things are going the way they are with the radio show, he has no problem. He likes the way things are just the way they are right now.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.