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Howard started off the show saying that he thought he was going to go into semi-retirement when he moved to SIRIUS but he ends up on the cover of the NY Post once again this morning. He said the article says ''Mouth Trap'' and it's something about how he may have to clean up his act. He said he's not sure exactly what that's all about but there is a buzz about how satellite radio is coming under fire to be regulated. Howard said he thinks that this is Clear Channel trying to kill off satellite radio.
Howard said that he has set up his own boundaries on his show but no one told him that he had any. Artie said that they were called into a meeting where they were told about some of the companies standards. Howard said that's not unusual but he doesn't know of any new rules coming down from the brass at SIRIUS. Howard thinks this is very weird that the government is even thinking about going after satellite now that he's moved there. People have to pay for the service but now people want him quieted down again now that he's there. He said he finds that very strange.
Howard read the articles that have come out about the possible regulation. He said that if they do start regulating his show, they're going to have to start regulating things like HBO. He said that the story seems to be that there are going to be new rules for satellite radio but he hasn't been informed about that. He'll let us know when that happens.
Howard told Robin that he thought they were going to disappear when they moved to satellite but now it seems that he's in the news even more than he was before. There are already news reports about all of this and no one seems to know exactly what they're talking about. He played some of the audio he had from some news reports. The reporters said that SIRIUS is developing some of their own standards and practices and that they may start censoring Howard's show.
The reporters in one report were saying that Howard will still get paid his $500 million even if there are new rules for him. Howard threw in an F-word for everyone to let them know that there are no new rules there as far as he knows. Artie said that it's very strange that this country is going in this direction. He brought up Lenny Bruce who was arrested for cursing and said that he thought things like that were over but it's obvious that it's not. Howard and Artie spent a minute talking about Lenny Bruce and how there was no one there to help him out.
Howard said that when he gets political on his show, he gets tons of mail from people who want him to get back to the show. No one wants to believe that he's being attacked. He said that the threat that they're going to regulate satellite radio has to be a way off because it would mean changing the U.S. Constitution and that can't happen over night. He believes that this push for regulation is coming from the Clear Channels of this country because they have an inferior service and can't compete with it.
Howard said that all of this publicity about this possible regulation is great advertising for his show and SIRIUS. He wants more people to buy satellite and that's like free publicity for him. Robin brought up a report that Steve Langford did for Howard 100 News down in Washington DC last week. He was down there for the Decency in Media hearings and had some strange run-ins with some people down there.
A caller told Howard that there is no conspiracy against him so he should stop with his rant already. Howard told the guy that the article he was reading was about how his show is already being censored but he's going on the record as saying that it's not true. He told the caller that there was no talk about censoring satellite radio before he moved there. Now that he's there, people are subscribing and that's scaring the shit out of the people out there who own terrestrial radio stations. He said they're crapping their pants right now because there is an alternative to radio.
Howard said that you can censor out channels you don't want on satellite. You can't do that with regular radio stations. The caller told Howard that he had finally cleared the shit out of his ears and understood what he was saying. Howard thought he was kind of dopey and wondered if he went to college. The caller said he did go to college and has a masters degree. Howard tested him by asking him to name some vowels. He was able to do it so Howard let him go.
Artie was also talking about basketball and who he thinks is the greatest player of all time. He said he believes it's still Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant isn't quite up to that level but he is in the top 5. Howard cut him off and said that he read that the Steelers are a 3 1/2 point favorite for the Super Bowl. Gary got in on the conversation and said he thinks that this is going to be their year.
Howard let the caller go and got back to the NY Post article he was talking about earlier. He said that putting them on the front page of the Post will get them even more listeners... So he thanked them and the author for helping them out. He said that will allow them to take his channels to places he never thought they'd be.
The caller also asked Howard what he thinks about what's going on with Google and the Government demanding that they give them search results so they can track down terrorists. Howard said that he believes that they can't start doing that kind of stuff because they'll eventually start tracking down people who search for pornography and stuff like that. He said it's starting to get dangerous with Bush putting so many religious freaks in the Supreme Court because that will lead to them overturning the abortion laws and things like that. The caller was telling Howard that our rights are being taken away little by little and people don't seem to realize that.
Howard said that there are many Canadians who are buying satellite radios from the U.S. So they can get his show since they're blocking it up on the Canadian version of SIRIUS. He said it's obvious that many Canadians don't want their government interfering with this stuff.
Howard said that this is all about money. He believes that Clear Channel is trying to get as many right wing officials in their back pocket so they can swing them toward censoring satellite radio. He said that's the story that should be on the front page of the NY Post, not a non-story about SIRIUS coming down with their own rules and regulations. He had to take a break after that.
Howard said that it was fun going back and recoding the song. They can now play it unedited. He said it's ridiculous that Infinity won't give him his old tapes to play so he figured he'd just go back and re-record them instead.
Howard took a call from a guy who just wanted to thank them for the show. He also said that he would like to start distributing his logo for fans to spread the word but with the NY Post running articles about his show, he doesn't need to do that. He said it's pretty wild that he's still at the forefront of the free speech issues even after moving to satellite. Another caller told Howard that the Boston Herald is supporting Howard in this battle. Howard said he thought they were going to be done with this but the Boston Herald should be supporting him.
Howard re-recorded ''I Went the Gay Way'' so he played that. He and Fred updated some of the lyrics in the song to make it more current. There were references to Artie, Benjy and Beth in the song and they weren't in the original version. Howard said ''Take that Viacom... and senator Stevens!'' He said he had some fun re-recording the song but it was tough to get his voice so high. He thought Scott was going to get him some out takes from the song so he could play them. Scott came in and blamed it on someone by the name of Chris. Artie said that was probably some imaginary guy that Scott made up to cover for him. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard came back a short time after that. We heard some Wendy the Retard karaoke and then some Ali G interviewing Andy Rooney and pissing Rooney off.
Artie was out at a Rolling Stones concert on Friday night so Howard asked him about that. Artie said he took Richard out to see them and they were amazing. They only did one new song and about 25 classic songs. He said they were great live and they had great seats. The face value for the tickets was $450 but someone got him the tickets.
Artie was also hanging out on the Bubba the Love Sponge's show before going to the concert. He said that he missed the opening band but figured they weren't going to be his kind of band. Richard went with Artie to the concert so he told Howard that Artie was eating M&M's and tons of them. Artie said the bag he bought at the venue where the band was playing was huge. He's really caught up in eating peanut M&M's lately.
Howard said he went over to Bubba's studio on Friday and there was some hot chick just hanging out in there. Bubba wasn't talking about her though so Artie wasn't sure who she was. Howard said that he and Robin both think that Bubba's personal life might be really interesting. Artie said that his studio is really dark... at this point Howard's channel went all wacky and the signal cut out. It wasn't just my radio either. I don't think Howard was aware of the problem at the time.
When the signal came back, Howard was talking to Lisa G from Howard 100 News about an article about SIRIUS and XM and how some analysts think that XM is a better investment. The signal kept cutting out but only on Howard 100. Howard was still talking to Lisa G about the upcoming Howard 100 News at Noon broadcast... but we had missed out on most of the discussion.
Howard said that the NY Post hasn't been getting all of their stories about him straight lately. He said that they didn't get the story about him getting married to Beth right. He wasn't engaged and he didn't marry her.
Artie got back to the story he was telling about going on Bubba's show. He said that they had some chick in the studio who was saying ''Fuck me Artie'' but she didn't speak very good English so it sounded more like ''Duck me Dartie.'' He had a great time on the show and stayed there until 8 o'clock. After that the Rolling Stones concert had started so he and Richard headed over there.
Artie said he had a foot-long hot dog, a giant Coke and the M&Ms. He said that Richard was eating a lot of crap as well though. Fred had some audio of a band called The Matrix because that's what Artie thought the band was called at the Stones concert last night. JD told Howard that it's actually The Metric.
Howard asked Artie how he keeps going that late at night because he's always worn out by 10 o'clock at night. Artie went on to tell Howard that he and Richard went to Scores after the Stones show. He said that Dana was out wit some friends or something, he doesn't really care. Artie said that Richard made a mistake of telling a fan that they were heading over to Scores after the concert and the dude showed up there. He told Howard that he ended up talking to the dude while Richard was talking to the Scores stripper. Artie had to get up and go hide in some corner of the club to get away from the guy.
Howard told Artie he should have told the guy to get away from him. Artie said that's what he did, he went over to the VIP room and got away from everyone so he could get some dances. Howard played some of The Metric stuff and it wasn't all that great. Artie said that he remembers a time when Fiona Apple opened for the Stones and ended up getting hit in the face with a battery because the crowd didn't want to hear her.
Artie said he was out until about 2:30 in the morning and after getting home he slept until about 4 in the afternoon on Saturday. He said he wants to get someone to come in and take a picture of him waking up from a sleep because he knows how bad he looks.
Ronnie came in and told Howard that Artie found a great private area to get some dances. He said he wasn't aware that Artie was even there anymore. Ronnie said he could have gotten one of the managers to move the guy away from them if they wanted. Ronnie blamed Richard for the problem because he invited the guy from the Stones concert. Artie said it was an invitation because if you tell a super fan where you're going, they're going to show up.
Howard and Artie talked about the way Bubba's show is run and how great Brent Hatley is at getting Bubba his news articles and stuff like that. Everything is very well organized and neatly put together. Howard had to take another break but they ended up talking about Bubba and Brent for a few more minutes.
Howard played a prank call that they've played a lot in the past week or so. It's one where they took some clips from the movie Ed Wood and called a woman and got her all pissed off. Howard also quickly mentioned that his parents would be doing another ''Meet the Sterns'' tomorrow night. They went to break after that.
Howard quickly mentioned that Gilbert Gottfried will be in later in the week, as will Yucko the Clown and Jimmy Pop and Jarred from The Bloodhound Gang.
He said that their new enemy Rachel Hunter's new TV show has been reviewed by David Hinckley who gave the show a 1.5 star rating. Howard read the article and said that David basically said the show was horrible.
Howard played some audio from a recording session that his parents did. His father was going off on his mother about the way she was singing her lines in a song they were performing for Howard. They did a lot of takes and had a hard time getting the lines right. Howard said that if you liked that, you'll enjoy their hour long show that's airing tomorrow night.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's probably one of the few black guys who listens to the show. He said that over at Shade45 they were talking about how great it is that Howard has joined them there because he's brought in about 2 million more listeners. Howard said it's great that there's a cross pollination there at SIRIUS coming from the other channels.
Howard thought Justin's answer was actually pretty good because he didn't think he'd be able to answer that question himself. After that Howard played Garver's interview with Mark Wahlberg. Mark was willing to talk to Gary and knew that he was doing it for Howard. Mark said he thinks that Howard has gone from having 30 million visitors to about five. Mark said he hasn't been listening to Howard much lately. Garver asked him if he's had any gay experiences. Mark said he did have a guy pull a letter from his short shorts one time but it was nauseating to him. Garver asked him who he hates the most in Hollywood. He jokingly said that it was his brother. Garver continued his questioning and Mark hung through it. He eventually told Garver he had to get going so he could prepare for the golf tournament.
Howard played some audio of Gary Garver interviewing Matthew McConaughey. Matthew sounded kind of high to Howard but he wasn't sure if that was the case. Garver asked him what he thinks about Howard moving to satellite. Matthew said he likes him and he'll probably tune in to get a few chuckles. Garver asked him who the biggest a-hole in Hollywood is but Matthew didn't want to answer that. He told Gary to get away from him but he did it in a joking way.
Howard talked to the caller about his Howard Stern On Demand show too. The caller asked Howard to tell Doug Goodstein he's doing a great job with the shows over there. Howard said that the Jeff the Drunk episode called ''Jeff won't leave'' is great and people should check that out.
Howard had some notes on his desk to go through. He also said that Alexis Stewart, Martha's daughter, would be coming in soon. He then got to the notes he had. Sal the Stockbroker sent him some notes about his birthday Party that twas held back on January 13th. Sal pointed out that Scott's wife wouldn't stop talking during the speeches. Neil Drake tried to steal a Howard Stern poster so Robin had to stop him. Sal also said that Dan the Song Parody Man was blabbing so much to Artie and Dana that it looked like they wanted to jump out a window. Artie said that wasn't true though because Dan was talking to Dana about the revelations since she hadn't heard them.
Dan the Song Parody Man came in and said it was just Sal being Sal. That led to Howard talking about the knives that Dan gives as gifts. Sal and Richard were also telling Howard that Dan is always bothering them in the back room. Howard told them to just chase him out if that's the case. Robin was saying that Dan is a bit of a sad sack around there too. He got her at the birthday party and told her how he had gotten stood up that night.
Gary came in and said that Dan doesn't know when to stop talking because he'll turn his back on him sometimes and he keeps talking. The guys were also talking about how Dan is kind of homeless right now but Dan says he's staying at a friend's apartment and paying the bills for the guy.
Howard read some more of the notes that Sal had. He pointed out that Sam Simon had plucked eyebrows and goofed on that. Sal pointed out a few other things about the party that were kind of strange like Benjy appearing as if he hadn't showered that night.
Howard said he wanted to give a shout out for a product. He's read some books about deodorants and how you're not supposed to use them if they contain aluminum. He said that the guy's who wrote the book has been called a quack by some but he's not sure about that. He said he's been really paranoid about deodorants ever since he read that. Everything he's tried since then has been horrible. He said that he eventually tried this product called Crystal roll on body deodorant and it's fantastic. It keeps him as dry as can be and it doesn't have any of this aluminum stuff in it. He said he doesn't smell and he's staying dry. The only reason he's mentioning it is because he wants them to stay in business.
Artie said he might switch to that because he'd get so pissed if his deodorant was the thing that actually killed him after all of the other stuff he's done.
Howard quickly mentioned that Michael Copps of the FCC just recently said that terrestrial radio broadcasters will be ''seeing some action'' before long. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Alexis about her hate for Bubba the Love Sponge and his producer. Alexis said that she doesn't like what Bubba did with the pig down in Tampa a few years ago but she doesn't know his producer. She also said she doesn't know Artie even thought Artie said that he has met her. Howard had heard that she called Artie fat but she didn't think she knew him and she doesn't care if he's fat.
Alexis said that her mother was really scared about this appearance she was making. Howard told her to calm the F down and get over it. He's not going to ask her to take off her top or anything. Howard asked her how old she is and found out that she's 40 years old. He found that very hard to believe and said that she looks like she's between 28 and 30, not even close to 40.
Howard asked Alexis about her dad but she didn't want to talk about him. She said he's not a good person and she has no desire to talk about him. She hasn't seen him since she was 20 years old. Alexis said that he was a real creep when he left them and didn't handle things very nicely. She doesn't know if he has other kids and she chooses not to know.
Howard told Alexis that she was very attractive when she opens up and talks. He hasn't seen her do that before. He asked her if she ever aches for a father. She said it does suck but it is what it is. She doesn't believe that her mother turned her against her father or anything like that either. She was around 20 years old so she could figure out that he was a creep on her own. Robin heard that she didn't get along with her mother very well either but she said people just like to make that stuff up. She said that she did have to rebel a bit against her mother because her mother is a bit of a control freak.
Alexis said that she enjoys working even though her mother does give her some money. She said that she was given stock in her mother's company and she dumped it and invested it in another way. She has enough money to live out the rest of her life but she does like to work. She told Howard she has her own place in Tribeca that's about ''four thousand something'' square feet. She's been married in the past but things didn't work out. She said he was a great guy but they didn't get along and had to break it off. She said they only knew each other for about 6 months before getting married so they didn't know each other very well.
Alexis told Howard that she is desperate to have children so he offered to knock her up. Artie told Howard he's already got kids so he should let him do her instead. Howard went on to explain why he called Alexis ''cuntie'' on the show recently. He said he didn't mean it as her being a cunt, he just meant that her attitude seemed to be kind of cuntie to him.
Howard asked her about how much money she's going to get when her mother passes away. Alexis told Howard that she has a lot of money but not nearly enough to have her own private jet or anything like that. Howard asked Alexis about her dating and read that she actually slept with a camera guy from The Apprentice. She said that was true and the guy was hot so it was no big deal. She said that she had to initiate things with the guy.
Howard asked Alexis if she's on any type of birth control. She said she's not but she does have stuff that she can use when she has a guy. Howard wondered what would happen if she got pregnant after a guy punched a hole in a condom or something. She said she's pretty sure she doesn't have to worry about that.
Howard read that Alexis had mentioned something about doing some lesbian stuff but she wasn't interested in talking about that. Howard tried to drag it out of her but she really didn't want to go there with him. Howard changed the subject and asked her how tall she is. She said she's about 5'10 1/2'' and weighs a bit over 130 pounds. That led to Howard asking her if she's shaved down below. She said that it is groomed but not shaved completely. Howard told her that he would shave her down completely if he was with her. She found it odd that he likes women completely shaved. She was also saying that she doesn't like oral from guys, she prefers the guy to just do his thing.
Howard asked Alexis if she would let him give her oral if he was with her. He said that she would let him do it but she might not enjoy it. He asked her if she just has a got hop on top of her or maybe from behind. She paused and didn't really answer his questions. She knew that her mother was listening. She claims that she's not a control freak like her mother, that's not why she doesn't like a guy giving her oral.
Howard asked Alexis more about the girl she once kissed. She didn't want to go there but Howard started digging and found out some details. She had a friend who she kissed one time but there wasn't all that much more to it. He asked her if she would let a guy spank her during sex. She said she could deal with it but it's not something she'd go out of her way for. She was still kind of hung up on the fact that her mother was listening. Howard and Artie told Martha to turn off her radio.
Alexis told Howard that she cooked some stuff for them. Gary came in and said that she made some great stuff that he's already tried this morning. Howard gave Alexis a plug for her show which airs on her mother's channel, 112, on SIRIUS.
Richard Christy came in and said that he saw Alexis over by the elevators the other day and wondered if she'd get creeped out by a guy pleasuring himself while thinking about her. She said she wouldn't know. Richard asked her what she was doing later but Alexis said she was all booked up tonight. Alexis then told Howard she had an important call to make this morning so she had to leave shortly. She said she had to talk to a lawyer about having a baby. Howard told her not to ruin her body by having a kid. He told her that she was too selfish to have a kid too. He told her to have a surrogate have the baby instead. She said that there's stuff she has to take care of with the lawyer. It all has to be prepared so there are no problems in the future.
Howard got back to the lesbian story but Alexis told him that it was just a kiss and nothing more. As they were talking about that Richard asked if he could show Alexis what she was missing out on. Howard and the guys told him to get out of there.
Howard asked Alexis what kind of car she drives. She said it's an Aston Martin. They asked her what the most expensive thing is she owns. Artie said it's got to be a person. He asked her if she actually owns a person but she said she doesn't even have a maid. Howard asked her when the last time she cried was. Alexis said that it was probably during Yoga class yesterday. She said she has a lot of time to think during those classes and she was having a bad day.
Brent Hatley called in and told Howard that Alexis did say to him that she thought that he should be in prison. Alexis said that she does think that Bubba and his people should be in jail for what they did on the air with the pig. Brent said that he heard that she called them ''rednecks from hell'' and wondered what a jury of their peers must have looked like. Brent said that she wouldn't be there if it wasn't for her mother. Alexis said that it doesn't really matter if the show doesn't work out, she's still going to drive home in her Aston Martin.
Howard told Brent that he's one of the best producers around... other than Gary. Brent and Alexis were going back and forth about the pig thing but Alexis said she really had to get going. Howard had to cut him off and told him they'd have to talk about this some other time.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Alexis is a crybaby and has big ears... and said that she's really obnoxious. She said that she's coming off really obnoxious on the show and she hopes that she loses her show on her mother's channel. Howard wondered what was up with the hate. Alexis said that kind of stuff doesn't happen to her except in his studio.
Zolar called in and said that he likes her after hearing her on the show. He also said that he'd give her oral like she's never had if she let him. Alexis said that she'd just have to lay there and pretend to like it if he did. Another caller asked her if she like anal. Alexis didn't want to talk about that. She said her mother is Martha Stewart and she can't talk about that. Robin said that she would give it a 6 on a scale of 10 for how much she liked it when she had it. Artie jokingly said he'd give his anal experiences an 8.
Howard asked Alexis a bunch of other questions like if she's ever dated a black guy and things like that. She said she has dated a black guy. Howard then gave her a plug for her show ''Whatever'' that airs on Channel 112 from noon to 2. She said they'll be talking about dealing with anger on today's show. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard and George spent a short time talking about how crazy it is that they're trying to regulate pay services like satellite radio now. George told Howard that they'll be interviewing KissyPhur which is JD's favorite web cam chick. He said they'll also be talking to some people who have dealt with Jeff Conaway in the past. They're also going to be doing a profile of Lonnie from Scores on Howard 100 News at Noon. Howard gave them a plug for the news at Noon and their 6 o'clock news. He said that Bubba will be doing his first show from his new studio in Tampa this afternoon.
Jon Hein from The Wrap Up Show came in and said they'll be discussing the NY Post article as well. Howard said that Beth was the one who told him about that first thing this morning and it gave him quite a shock when he heard about it. The guys spent a short time talking about this crazy stuff that was mentioned in the article and how there has been no discussion between him and the people at SIRIUS about changing his act. All Howard cares about is that he's on the cover of the NY Post because it's free publicity for him and for SIRIUS.
Jon Hein said they'll also be talking about Alexis Stewart and how that all came about. They'll talk about the old bits that were re-recorded and brought back to the show. Jon said they'll also talk about the sports discussions that the guys had earlier in the morning. They'll also be covering Dan the Song Parody Man's story from earlier today if they have time.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer went nuts after Dan the Song Parody Man went on the air earlier and mentioned that Scott doesn't get his work done when he asks. Howard had tape of that tirade so he played it for everyone. Scott was pissed about what Dan said on the air about him and told him to get the fuck out of his sight. Jon said they might have to have Scott on the Wrap Up Show after hearing that clip.
Howard took some phone calls and a couple of guys let him know how much they're enjoying the show. Howard was also saying that he doesn't think they'll ever see satellite radio regulated like the government is trying to do. He said if he went to work as a florist, the government would probably come after florists and try to censor them as well.
Jeff the Drunk was on the phone and pissed off that he had to wait so long to get through. Howard told him that if he's so pissed he can always hang up. Jeff said he wanted to talk to Alexis Stewart but it was too late. Jeff also asked when he could come down and hang out. Howard told him he can come anytime but they're afraid that he won't leave. Howard told him to come on down and he can re-record some of his classic bits.
Howard let Jeff go and played the remake of ''I Went the Gay Way'' and then played some of the raw vocals to let everyone hear how tough it was for him to hit some of the higher notes. He started to play it but Scott had pulled all of the audio instead of just the screw ups. Scott came in and told Howard that what he was just playing was about the worst of his takes. Howard said there were other bad clips where he screwed up and couldn't hit the high notes. Scott may have erased them but he wasn't sure. Howard told Dan the Song Parody Man to go through them and find what he was looking for.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that someone on Shade45 was complaining about how long Howard was taking while interviewing Ant last week. Howard said he wasn't aware of that but it's kind of crazy that Shade45 needs Ant to keep their show going.
Another caller asked Howard about the legality of Howard's channel up in Canada. Howard said there is no law up there that says he can't be heard up there but the caller said that a Customs officer told him he couldn't bring the radio into the country because some of the channels were illegal. Howard said that all of the publicity about the new show has to be selling radios because people must be wondering what they're missing. He let that caller go and moved right on to Robin's news.
Howard said that the new Woody Allen movie ''Match Point'' is great. He said it's really good and he'll bring it in for Robin to see. He said Woody wasn't in the movie and the writing didn't seem like it was his so it was great. He said the copy he has is a screening copy so he was able to watch it at home. Artie said he wants to see Capote and he's pretty sure the theater won't have many people in it when he goes to see it.
A little later Howard was asking about Howard Stern On Demand because Doug told them that they had the Double A and Beth O interview up. Doug came in and told Howard that they had it up last week so he doesn't know why it wasn't there. Doug then went into the explanation about how the On Demand thing works. He said that when they upload Howard's shows they're all distributed at different times. He said that all of the cable companies will upload them at different times so everyone may get the new stuff at different times.
Howard had Robin do more of her news and shortly before they were done with the show he tried playing more of his out takes from his recording session of the making of ''I Went the Gay Way.'' He thought that Scott had screwed up again but he actually pulled all of his screw ups just as he had asked him to do earlier.
Double A called back in and asked Howard why he called him a dick earlier. Howard didn't even seem to realize he had done that but Double A was kind of pissed. Howard hung up on him again though and called him kind of ''cuntie.'' Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show saying that he has a policy about not talking about Chaunce Hayden anymore but he may have to today. He said that he repulses him these days. He said that yesterday's NY Post article about the rules that SIRIUS was supposed to be working on is going to be discussed again today. He said he hasn't spoken to anyone at SIRIUS about any new standards and practices rules for them there. He said that the report in the NY Post is 100 percent false as far as he knows. If there are new rules coming down, he doesn't know anything about them.
Howard said that he really knows nothing of any censorship of his show on SIRIUS and the only reason he has a dump button on this show is to save people from making slanderous and libelous statements. He said he did use the button once when Sal the Stockbroker made a statement about a family member that didn't need to be on the air. He is working the delay button himself to protect people, not to censor himself. It has nothing to do with the F-word.
After the NY Post printed an article about being censored, all of the TV geeks are picking up on the story and not bothering to do any investigating of the story. There is a tremendous amount of coverage of that story and they're saying that he is going to be censored. There is no evidence of that though. He played an audio clip of a news reporter from FOX news reporting on how Howard may be bailing on SIRIUS already. That's the ''fair and balanced'' reporting from FOX.
Howard played an audio clip of Chaunce being interviewed by Neil Cavuto. Neil points out that Howard's show is on a time delay so Howard said it's always going to be on a time delay. Howard is the one who asked for the delay for his show, SIRIUS didn't ask him to use it. Neil then brings up Chaunce who says he feels scammed and how everyone should feel scammed if these rules come down on Howard's show. Howard said that Chaunce still seems to think that he's part of the show.
Chaunce said that he's feeling sick over the whole thing and then said that the rules are coming down because Congress is doing this to them. Howard said that's not true and it shows how little Chaunce knows. Chaunce was also saying that the reason they're going to come out with these rules is to sell advertising, it's all about money. He said that when they censor Howard, they will be able to get advertisers like Disney and BMW. Howard said that Disney is never going to advertise on his show no matter how censored he is.
Chaunce told Neil that Howard is all about money and if Infinity had come up with $100 million a year to pay him, he would still be on terrestrial radio. Howard said that he really doesn't do everything because of money, he didn't need to keep doing radio. He said he never got into this business because of money, he did it because he wanted to do a good radio show. He said if he was all about money, he wouldn't have a career. He was fired from many stations instead of conforming to what those stations wanted from him. It wasn't about the money.
Howard played more of Chaunce saying that all of the freedom and censorship stuff coming from Howard is a bunch of bull. Howard said that Chaunce has sealed his coffin now that he's done this interview. He said that he can now go do someone else's show like the Booker show. That led to Howard saying that he tuned into his old station this morning and it's filled with a bunch of Howard Stern imitators.
Chaunce claims that he knows that Howard will be censored and all SIRIUS users have been scammed. Howard said that this could be slanderous on Chaunce's part because he's saying that it's a scam. Chaunce thinks that this new show will be censored even more than he was on the old show. Chaunce said that SIRIUS needs to get corporate advertisers to survive. He also thinks that SIRIUS knew that they were going to censor the show before he even came over. Howard said he hasn't been censored and knows nothing about being censored. Chaunce was inferring that SIRIUS waited for ''all of us'' to sign on before enacting the rules.
Howard said that he has not received any censorship on this show on SIRIUS and Chaunce knows nothing about him or his show. He talked about the way Chaunce handled himself when he was investigated a while back. Instead of coming to Howard about it, he went to the NY Post and told a reporter over there instead.
A listener called in and asked Howard if he's all about money, where are the Howard Stern t-shirts and other useless crap. Howard said that the irresponsible reporting on FOX news is amazing. Chaunce is just an idiot according to Howard but FOX news isn't doing their research.
Howard told Neil to give him a call to discuss his sources. He's talking to someone who knows nothing about the show or what's going on. Chaunce said that SIRIUS is under pressure to make money and they're going to do whatever they have to. Howard once again pointed out that he hasn't been censored and he has no knowledge of any censorship coming down on his show. Howard said he's going to send his news crew across the street to talk to Neil. Then he said he's going to go over there himself and ask Neil how they came up with Chaunce as an ''expert.''
Howard said that he's really not a ''filthy broadcaster'' and anyone who listens regularly knows that. He continued to play the Gibson interview and Paul Hein was making a lot of sense with his explanations. Howard said that he could be his official spokesperson because he ''gets it.'' Then he made some comments about Howard possibly self-policing himself. Howard said he wouldn't agree to do that though.
Howard insists that this is still a non-story because he knows of no new rules and regulations. He said the whole thing is ridiculous. The whole day was filled with these bullshit stories yesterday. The only one he took offense to was Chaunce Hayden's interview because he has no idea what's going on and there is no ''scamming'' going on with SIRIUS.
Howard took a call from a fan who thinks that Howard should sue Chaunce for slander after that interview. Robin said that maybe FOX News should stop calling it ''news'' after doing interviews like that. Howard said they should change it to FOX Horse Shit. There's not one iota of truth in this NY Post story as far as Howard knows. They just make stories up and throw them out there. They reported that Howard was married a few weeks ago and that was completely wrong.
Howard read the John Mainelli article where he says that Howard was ''sputtering'' about the article in yesterday's paper. Mainelli was also talking about Howard talking out both sides of his mouth when he said that there were limits on what he would talk about. Howard said that those limits are all about what he wants to do, not what SIRIUS doesn't want him to do. SIRIUS does have standards and practices but they're not stopping them from cursing, they were just informed about just how far they can go as far as maybe killing someone on radio. There's nothing about cursing or censorship.
Mainelli's story made a big deal about the delay that Howard has on the show. Howard has always said that he was going to have a delay on the show. He said it when he was still on terrestrial radio and he's using it to protect people from saying slanderous or libelous things on the air.
Gary told Howard to play an audio clip of an interview the head of the FCC did yesterday. The guy said that Congress is going to be looking at regulating satellite and he thinks that's what we need in this country. Howard said that this is our new FCC commissioner... Michael Copps. Gary said that he can go on his DirecTV service, right now, and order some really intense porn. There was no one going after satellite and cable before Howard made his move to satellite. Now they're going after them. Howard also wanted to know why they only bring up his name when it comes to that kind of stuff.
Howard went over some of the dopey reporters that he just talked about. He said he was talking to his father about this stuff yesterday because there were so many other important things going on in the news. Meanwhile, the NY Post was putting Howard on their front page.
Another caller told Howard that he should definitely sue Chaunce. Howard said he doesn't need to sue anyone but he does want to track down Neil Cavuto to ask him if he's a ''fuckin moron'' after putting Chaunce on his show as an ''expert.'' Howard thinks that Chaunce is just frustrated because they don't have him on the show anymore.
Howard said that he doesn't even listen to CDs anymore because he listens to SIRIUS instead. He said he's very proud of the company and everyone he works with. He mentioned some of the other deejays who are working so hard. He and the caller talked about Chaunce's claims that everything he does is motivated by money. Howard said that he's made plenty of money on terrestrial radio. He also thinks that they didn't pay him a tenth of what he was worth but he's not complaining about that.
Howard replayed some of Chaunce's interview and went off on him again. He said he doesn't want Chaunce coming up to him and telling him how sorry he is about what he's done. He's no expert, he's a guy who tried to do his own radio show, on the internet, and stuck a dildo up his ass according to Howard.
Howard took some more phone calls and talked more about all of this stuff that's going on. King of All Blacks told Howard that he never thought he could become bigger than he was but the show is funnier than ever. He said that the radio stations he listens to on FM are now talking about HD radio and about Howard being on satellite. They never used to talk about him until he left FM. King said that he's got friends who have no money who are looking to get satellite and he's amazed by that.
Howard gave everyone an update on his Charlie Rose interview. He's not doing it tonight because Charlie had to go out of town. He's not going to reschedule either because he was doing it as a favor for something he set up months ago.
King was telling Howard that Booker is now emulating him on his show on the old K-Rock. Howard said he's never heard the show but a lot of people come up to him and tell him that Booker is being him on the radio. Howard said he likes Booker and he's a friend of his but he apparently just wants to shove his head up his ass.
Ralph called in and said he's always hated Chaunce. The guy was on the show many times but it's now obvious that he wasn't loyal to the show. He and Howard talked about how they just throw Chaunce on the air as if he's an expert without knowing his history with the show. Ralph changed subjects and told Howard that the Alexis Stewart interview was great yesterday. Howard said that a lot of the feedback he got about that interview was negative. There was some positive stuff too but a lot of negative feedback. He'll talk more about that later on.
Howard and the guys brought up the fact that Alexis Stewart had to leave the show yesterday to go make a phone call to her lawyer about having her own baby. The guys spent some time talking about how maybe she should just adopt a child instead of having her own. Robin said that some women just get that itch and it's very hard to control. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard played a new prank call that Sal made to a Korean clock repair store. The woman who answered the phone had some trouble with the word ''clock'' and pronounced it ''cock.'' He dicked her around and had her talking about his ''small cock.''
Daniel Carver has a new message on his answering machine so Howard played that. Daniel was going off on ''nig*** looking Mexicans'' and how they're taking over the country. As always, Daniel said ''Wake up White People.''
Howard said he went to a fair in upstate New York one time and saw some naked chicks dancing in this special tent they had. That was as close as he ever came to a peep show. He said when the girls danced, you could lick their pussy or put your finger in them. He remembers seeing some old dudes he was working with going up to the women to do stuff to them. One woman, who was from the south, refused to let a black guy lick her but he freaked out and convinced her to let him do it. Then the guy was having everyone smell his finger. He said that the chicks were really skanky but it was still exciting to see something like that.
Lisa said that they're going to have an interview with a cab driver who has SIRIUS radio and gets requests for Howard's show all the time. She also said that she got Martha Stewart's response to her daughter's interview yesterday. Martha thought her daughter did a great job on the show. Lisa said they played that on last night's 6 o'clock news but they'll be replaying it today at noon. She also said that Bubba is going to boycott the news now because they ''sucked up'' to her when they covered her story yesterday.
Howard let Lisa go and then took some phone calls. One guy said he was listening to Shade45 yesterday and they were saying that Howard's security guards are really weak and they should get some of theirs to help out. Howard said those guys over there are really into bodyguards and he's not as into comparing security guards... but then said that maybe they should have Black Security Guard Olympic games. He told Gary to line that up. He also said that if Shady45's guards lose, they have to rename the channel Shitty45.
Howard said that the Radio and Records awards have dropped his name from the nominees for best talk show host. He said that no one had a bigger year than he did last year yet they didn't even put him on the list of possible nominees. People like Dr. Laura, Rush Limnbaugh and Michael Savage are on that list. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard read some feedback about the way Brent Hatley was treated during the Alexis Stewart interview. Someone thought Howard didn't treat him very well and just brushed him off. Howard had some feedback about Ronnie the Limo Driver appearing on Bubba the Love Sponge's show on Friday night. Some fans heard that show and thought that Ronnie came off as a bit of a prick. Someone said that Ronnie really pussied out on the show and backed down from Bubba. That led to Fred playing a new song parody about Ronnie that Richard performed. Artie thought it was pretty funny how intricate the song was.
Ronnie came in and talked about his appearance on Bubba's show. He said that Bubba wanted to do this ''cock off'' and wanted him to lay his penis on his desk and have a woman touch both of them to find out whose is bigger. Howard said that Bubba is one of the horniest guys he's ever met. Robin said that's why she won't go in his studio. Ronnie said that the guy is definitely crazy. Artie said Bubba was so proud of the cock-off thing that he was bragging that Ronnie was now his bitch. Some people wrote in and said that a cock-off is very gay so Ronnie was just backing down from doing something gay. Ronnie said that Bubba's show really is great and he does think it's funny.
The woman said that the sound quality of the show is great and she hears everything she missed before. Things like Ralph's lisp and stuff like that. Howard said that he doesn't get headaches anymore either because the sound quality is better there on SIRIUS.
Howard read an article about what's going on over at their old radio station. Lloyd Grove wrote an article about how David Lee Roth and his producer are really out of their league with the morning show. According to the article David Lee doesn't spend any time on his show and leaves the station 5 minutes after. Howard said that he's giving props to David Lee because he is an original, he doesn't sound a thing like him unlike the other people on the show.
Howard read an article about how Citadel Broadcasting is buying Disney Radio and will become one of the largest radio companies in the country. He said that Fahrid Sulemon is the guy who was running that company last they knew. Howard got screwed over by Fahrid and used to goof on him relentlessly on the air.
Howard took some more phone calls. One guy said that he likes the sound of the show... and then he told Howard that he shares Robin's fascination with meat. He said he takes liver, heats it up in the microwave and uses it to pleasure himself. Howard brought up Robin's revelation and said that admitting to that let a lot of other people admit to pleasuring themselves with meats and vegetables.
Another caller told Howard that he grew up with Hank the Dwarf in Fall River, Massachusetts. Howard said that Hank was a great guy but they couldn't bring all of their old tapes with them... but the E! cameras caught him on tape so he can play those tapes. He played one clip of Hank singing some stuff at a Karaoke bar.
Howard took a call from a guy in Virginia who said that it's great to have him on SIRIUS now because he could only see the show in the past when it was on E!. Now he can hear the whole show. Another guy told Howard that he's been trying to get a hold of him all morning... but all he had to say was that Howard is ''the empire.''
Howard wanted to talk to Neil Cavuto but Gary told him he wasn't able to get in touch with him, but he had paged his publicist. Howard told Gary that FOX news is right across the street so they should send someone over there to tell them that they want to talk to Neil. Gary made a joke about Howard's nose and chin after Howard told him that he's not a warrior for the show. Howard ended up goofing on Gary for cracking himself up and told him he should walk across the street to get Neil. Howard said that this country didn't page Japan after the Kamikazes attacked Pearl Harbor. Gary said that this might be a job for Benjy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he liked the Alexis Stewart interview yesterday and had to go online to look her up to see how hot she was. He also telling Howard that David Lee Roth's show is a train wreck and it makes him nauseous when he listens to it. Howard said that David is just starting out so you have to give him a chance to get his stuff together. He said he doesn't care either way though because he's no longer in that universe.
Howard and Robin said that there will be a mad scramble for his old audience because not all of them are going to follow him to SIRIUS. He wishes all of those stations luck because he's in such a different place now. The caller said he thinks that everyone will eventually come over.
Howard took some more phone calls and one woman thanked him for taking Sal off of the scroll on the bottom of the SIRIUS tuners. One woman wrote in and complained that she's canceling her subscription because she can't get through on the phones. He found the letter and read it to everyone. The woman was so upset she can't get through on the phones that she's going to cancel her subscription. She thinks that she may lose her career because of the show. She said she couldn't participate in the show and was very upset that no one would contact her after emailing them so much. She had the phone number down as 999-9-ASSHOLE instead of 888-9-ASSHOLE.
A woman called in to thank some people for getting her a SIRIUS radio for her birthday. That led to Howard talking about how hard the people are working there at SIRIUS to give people a great product. He brought up some of the deejays who are working there and said that if he runs into them out in the hall, he ends up having 10-15 minute conversations with them. He said he has to put his head down and rush out of there to avoid those conversations.
Howard said he has to avoid the news crew after the show as well because they're always in his face. He had to block off one of the entrances because of that. There are always people hanging out in the halls after the show telling him how good the show was but he just wants to get back to his office to rest after the show.
Another caller told Howard that satellite radio is the best thing since the internet. He said he almost wrecked his truck when he heard Artie's revelation story about getting the man juice on his sweater. He also told Howard that he used to listen in Virginia and remembers when he was kicked off the station there because of some super market guys. He moved to Florida after that and has been listening ever since. Howard thanked him for that.
A phone caller asked Howard about the censorship stuff he was talking about earlier in the morning. Howard told the guy to try listening to the replay show that was coming up in about a half hour so he could hear the explanation. Howard told the guy that he's not being censored in any way and that he draws his own lines, no one is drawing those lines for him. He gave the guy a quick explanation of what he talked about earlier to quickly fill him in. He brought up the Chaunce Hayden stuff he already talked about and let the caller go.
Howard took a call from a guy pretending to be Dick Clark after his seizure. Dick was slurring his words and saying he's not sure he'll make it to next year. He also said he hopes he can get a blow job before he dies.
Howard got to the AVN awards and played some of Greg Fitzsimmons' hosting clips. Then he played some audio of Jenna Jameson and another porn chick who sounded like Natasha from Rockey and Bullwinkle. Her name was Nakita Denise and Artie remembered her because of the accent she had. Howard read a note that said he had to kick her off the show one time because she wouldn't shut up. Howard said they may have to have her back in. Richard said they could have her reenact that clip from ''Ed Wood'' that they play where Bela Lugosi goes off on a guy who brings up Boris Karloff's name. Howard played that clip and then played the prank call that Sal and Richard made using clips from that scene.
Howard got back to the AVN Awards and had to replay the clip that he had just played because he lost his place when he switched pages on his computer. He then played a clip of Katsumi and Manuel Ferrara accepting their award for ''Best Anal.'' They won it for their movie ''Cum Shitters.'' Katsumi said she didn't think she deserved the award because there were more deserving people.
Larry Flynt made a speech so Howard played a short clip of that strange speech. He then played a clip of a guy introducing Lexington Steele who was supposed to be the guy who was going to give Scott the Engineer anal sex for $250,000. Howard reminded everyone how they were planning on doing it in Giants Stadium and Scott was going to take Lexington's 12 inches right up the ass. Scott actually talked to his family about doing it and they said it was okay. About a week later Scott backed out of the deal saying he couldn't appear on the pay-per-view event they were planning. He told them that his son was afraid that he was going to get ridiculed at school.
Howard got back to the Lexington Steele clip where he talks about his engagement to a woman. He had a clip from the ''Best Ethnic Anal Scene'' award so he played that and thought it was pretty funny when they played some strange Asian sounding music to bring the winner up. There was another clip where they gave away the ''Best Oral Sex Scene'' award. One of the nominees was ''Arnold Schwarzenpecker.''
Howard played a clip where Cytheria was introduced. That led to the guys talking about how she's been on the show and how they should have girls like that back on. She's a ''squirter'' according to Richard and can squirt about 6 feet. Howard said they could have girls like that in and have them squirt on pictures of Neil Cavuto.
In another clip the winner of an award went up and yelled out ''Fuck Yeah!'' Richard said that chick was one of his new favorites.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's worried that the FCC might shut him down. Howard said he devoted an hour and a half to that earlier. The caller said that if the FCC goes after satellite and does manage to regulate it, they'd have to regulate a lot of other things. There is no regulatory body that can sit there and tell satellite radio what it is they can and can't do.
Howard said he could have microphones that would be all over the place and someone would be mixing them in a back room to get the right locations for when the action is going on. Artie said that it would be great when a guest leaves because you could hear what they say when they leave.
Howard took a call from a guy and asked him if he'd be interested in something like that. One guy was rambling so he took another call from a guy who thought it would be a great idea. Robin said it would be great because they could catch stuff like Scott the Engineer going off on people in his studio.
Howard and the guys seemed to think it could work but they're not sure it would work all the time. Another caller told Howard he loves the idea. One other guy said they could give it a try for a couple of times. That caller also said that there were some shows reporting that Howard is being censored on SIRIUS and saying that people are getting ripped off. That got Howard going on a tirade against Clear Channel for a few seconds.
Ralph called in and told Howard that the back office thing is a great idea. Gary came in and said that Neil Cavuto would be calling in shortly to talk about the Chaunce Hayden thing. Howard took a few more phone calls and then went to break.
Jon said they'll be discussing Chaunce Hayden's interview with Neil Cavuto. They'll also talk about some of the awards that Howard has won and how strange it is that Radio and Records has dropped his name from their list. Just because he moved to satellite this year doesn't mean he couldn't have been nominated last year. He was on the radio for the whole year and no one had more attention on them than he did. Jon told Howard that they'll talk about the Karloff prank phone call because it's become such a big hit.
Howard also mentioned that Jon will be hosting Meet the Sterns with his parents tonight. George Flowers was dropped from that for some reason. That show will air tonight at 7pm on Howard 100, right after Howard 100 News. Howard spoke to George Flowers who was there to give them an update on what kind of news they had coming up. He ended up talking to George about the days when he started out there at SIRIUS and how crazy things were in the beginning.
George said that they'll be talking about Bubba's problems with the Howard 100 News on their Noon newscast. Bubba is boycotting Howard 100 News because of that. Bubba and his people are refusing to cooperate with them from now on. George is also saying that they'll be following Sal the Stockbroker around to some peep shows. There's also a story about a cab driver who has SIRIUS in his car and is getting bigger tips now because of that.
Howard asked Neil how they can call Chaunce an expert. Neil explained that they weren't aware of the degree of bad blood between Howard and Chaunce. That didn't answer his question though, he wanted to know what makes Chaunce an expert. He said that he doesn't get that at all and that's the way FOX does things in his opinion.
Howard told Neil that he has not had anyone from SIRIUS come to him and say that they're going to censor his show. Then Chaunce goes on the air and claims that SIRIUS is committing fraud and that's just not right. Neil said that they could have picked someone better than Chaunce but they have defended Howard's show in the past. He tried to explain himself but Howard wanted to play him some of his interview.
Howard replayed the interview he played first thing this morning where Neil points out that the show is on delay. Howard explained to Neil that he asked for that delay when he joined. He wants it there so he can dump out of a conversation that could be considered libelous. He wants to protect people on the show, he's not doing it to satisfy management at SIRIUS, it was his idea.
Neil asked Howard if it's true that there was a discussion between Howard and SIRIUS management about censoring the show. Howard claims that he asked management there if they are planning to censor his show and they said no. Neil wants to know if there's anything about guidelines and limits coming from SIRIUS. Howard said that he has guidelines for things about slander and libel but nothing about speech.
Howard continued to play the audio from Neil's interview and listened to Chaunce telling lies about everyone going into a meeting about what they can and can't do on the show. Howard says that's just not true, he didn't do anything like that. Howard told Neil that asking Chaunce for his thoughts on this stuff is like asking Beetlejuice about his thoughts on Iraq. He played more of the interview where Chaunce was talking about how this is all about money and SIRIUS is going to censor Howard's show because they need advertising from big corporations.
Neil said that SIRIUS hasn't denied that they're coming up with guidelines for the show. Howard told him that there are guidelines for libel, slander and things like killing animals. Their language is not being censored. Neil asked if there was any type of standards and practices at SIRIUS. Howard doesn't know that there was or wasn't. Neil kept asking Howard over and over if SIRIUS has any control over the button. Howard kept telling him that they don't have any say over what he censors. It's all up to Howard to hit that button if he feels it's needed to protect someone from libel or slander.
Neil said once again that they contacted SIRIUS and they did not deny working on a standards and practices for the show. Howard told him that all of this publicity can only be good for SIRIUS. They're probably enjoying all of the press they're getting.
Howard played more of the interview where Chaunce was saying that Howard does everything for money. Howard told Neil that he should have disputed that because he has turned down money to do the right thing for his show. He says he doesn't do everything just for the money. Neil told Howard that they tried to get a better booking for the show but they failed, he admits that. Howard said that if they had any balls over there, they would do a report on Rupert Murdoch's business failings. Neil said that they have had Rupert on the show before and they're not afraid of doing that.
Neil said he wishes that someone else would have come to him and talked about this stuff the way he is before they did the Chaunce Hayden interview. Howard played more of the audio and talked about the way Chaunce was saying that this was a scam. Howard said that's just not right and no one has been scammed.
Neil asked Howard if the money at SIRIUS had anything to do with him going to satellite. Howard said money is an issue to him but when Infinity came to him and offered him a new deal, he turned it down and said he didn't want to stay there if they were going to continue to censor him. He was ready to retire at that point but then he went to XM and SIRIUS and talked to both companies about what he could do on the air there.
All of the guys were talking about how they still want more subscribers to come over to SIRIUS so it wouldn't make sense for them to ''scam'' anyone. That would keep people from signing up. Howard told Neil that he's already made people eat their words about his move to satellite. He's pulled in over a million listeners already and no one thought he would be able to do that.
Neil asked Howard what he would do if SIRIUS was contemplating coming down with guidelines. Howard said he's under contract for five years so there's not much he could do. He explained to Neil that he was unable to get out of his contract with Infinity even after he asked to be released. Howard said that if SIRIUS came to him tomorrow and told him he had guidelines, he's not sure what he would do. If they offered him the option to leave, he would leave.
Neil told Howard that there was no agenda there on his show yesterday. Howard said he may not have wanted an agenda but that's what it came across as. Howard said that it's kind of odd that ever since he announced he was moving to satellite, there are people talking about regulating it. Before that, no one was even talking about it. The government can't regulate a paid service like satellite radio. Robin said that's what the story should have been. Neil said that he's not taking sides on any of these issues. Neil said that if people don't like a show they can change the channel. Neil also told Howard that he is welcome to come on the show any time.
Robin wanted Neil to admit that they had a moron on the show as an expert. Neil said he wasn't going to call Chaunce a name like that though. Neil also told Howard that he should be more worried about what Barrons said about him over the weekend. Howard said he doesn't care about what they said about the stock in the company. All he knows is that SIRIUS went from 600,000 subscribers when he signed on in 2004 to 3.3 million at the end of 2005.
Howard told Neil he doesn't hate him and he'd let him come up there anytime to talk to him. Neil said that he is a listener of Howard's and he'd like Howard and Robin to come over any time to visit. Howard told him he's never going to come over and do that horrible show. He was joking around with him. He talked to Neil about his cancer survival for a few seconds and then let him go. After getting off the phone he wondered why he wasted his time talking about that nonsense.
Howard said that the only reason he was brought to this company was to bring more people in to subscribe. He's already succeeded at that. He said that tomorrow he's going to do a story about Rupert Murdoch and the expert he has on the show will be Wendy the Retard. Artie said that anyone who reads the NY Post could be an expert if that was the case. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had Robin start her news after that. She didn't realize that Fred was playing her old news theme that they used over at K-Rock. They had to go through a lot of trouble to get the rights to play it again so it had been absent until today. She sounded very excited to hear that the theme was back.
Gary came in during the news and said he had Erica from Radio and Records on the line to talk to Howard about how he was dropped from their nominee list. Howard asked her what was up with him being left out. Erica said that they don't do the nominations, their readers do. She also said that Howard has never been nominated in the category that he was talking about. It was a completely different category and a different award thing that they did in June. Howard got off her back and thanked her for calling in with that. The call was very quick, as was the explanation.
During the news Artie talked a bit about how he worked with Tom Cruise on the movie ''Jerry Maguire'' and Tom gave him a hard time about the way he was acting out the scene. He also had a problem with the Nanny that was taking care of John Travolta and Kelly Preston's kids because he rolled a ball to one of the kids. He said that the nanny freaked out on him and said that he could have hit the kid in the face. He said the kid looked like he wanted to play and he just rolled the ball to the kid.
Howard also told a quick story about going back stage to Paul McCartney's concert one time and how poorly his wife treated him. It turned out that it wasn't actually his wife, it was just a fan. He said he hates when he comes across as a douche like that. That led to Artie telling another story about he and David Spade going to a party one time. He told the story about how there were just a couple of gay dancers and Elton John at the party. He was also saying that Spade is interested in getting really famous chicks even though he doesn't have the looks of the guys that really get those chicks. He's got the money but not the looks for those really famous, A-list chicks.
Artie asked Howard if he had any A-list chicks when he was banging chicks back in 2001 or so. He said he had one woman who was an A-lister at one time but she was down to a C by the time she got to him. He said that she was probably on the C-list when she blew him and that probably brought her down to a D-list.
Howard said that the morning after the chick blew him, she called him back and said she doesn't know why she got involved with him because she was looking for a guy to marry. That led to the guys talking about some names for some sex acts like the Angry Dragon (smack a chick on the back of the head to make your cum come out of her nose) or the couch bomb which is taking a bag of Crisco, sticking it in between your couch cushions and using it to pleasure yourself. They went over a couple of those things before Robin got back to her news.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he's been listening to tons of tape this morning. He's in the news more than ever and can't seem to drop off the face of the earth like he was hoping to do when he moved to satellite.
Howard asked Fred how the ''Homo-Cop 2006'' remake is coming out after recording it yesterday. Fred said it's in Scott the Engineer's hands this morning and the editing is very tedious according to Scott. Howard told Fred to have Scott hand it over to someone who is familiar with ProTools which is the software they use to edit stuff there. Howard thinks it should take just 30 minutes to finish. Scott needs to work on mastering the ProTools software instead of spending all of his time on SternFanNetwork.com.
Howard said that Scott was on The Wrap Up Show yesterday telling the guys that he was never going to do that ass sex thing that they talked about yesterday. Howard had to straighten him out on that during the Wrap Up Show.
Howard said that Sam started telling them some stories and he's really looking forward to hearing this stuff. He said this will be the first Radio Sitcom on Howard 100 and it's going to be very exciting for everyone.
Howard said that they have some other exciting news about Danny Bonaduce who will be doing a week of radio on Howard 100 and Howard 101. They're going to tape some stuff for his Breaking Bonaduce TV show. He's pretty sure that he'll be on from 1-4 on Howard 101... but he's not sure about that time yet. Danny will be putting his own show together and the stuff they tape may be part of his VH1 show.
Artie told Howard that he has a friend who has 3 different tuners so he has a couple in the house and one in the car. He said he's got other friends that are going to do the same thing because they just have to have the show. Robin said she's hearing the same thing and people are getting withdrawals from not having the show now. She said she's calling SIRIUS like crack because once you get it, you can't get off of it.
Howard played a clip of Danny Bonaduce talking to a producer on his TV show about how he's going to ''shake your foundation'' which is a line that Artie has goofed on. Howard said that's the kind of energy he's looking for on Howard 100 and 101.
Chaunce Hayden wrote a letter and went off on Howard. He seems to be on some campaign to get rid of him or something. Why he keeps talking about the show is beyond him. He said Chaunce used to be a super fan of the show until they stopped talking to him. Now he hates them and does interviews and writes letters about how much he hates them. Chaunce went off on Howard about the way he treats women. Howard pointed out that Chaunce is the guy who treated many women like crap on his own internet radio show. Chaunce also pointed out that Howard picked through the cremated bones of Debbie Tay. Howard reminded everyone that Chaunce was the one who brought her bones in there. Howard said that Chaunce is only getting attention using his name and maybe he should stop, that way he'd get himself out of the spotlight.
Howard read a couple more letters and said that he really thought that he was going to go off into oblivion when they went to satellite but he seems to be bigger than ever. He thinks it's going to keep going and going and going now that they're there though.
Howard talked more about the Sam Simon sitcom and told Robin that Gary's wife turns out to be an anthropologist who is just studying his odd features. He said that Tim Sabean called him yesterday and told him that Sam really wanted to work on that Really, Really Desperate Housewives.
Artie said that he's tried to figure out what kind of money Sam is making and realized that he has points in TV shows like Taxi, Cheers, The Tracy Ullman Show, The Simpsons and Drew Carey... just to name a few. The guy has been part of some of the greatest TV shows ever.
Howard said that last night's Meet the Sterns may have been the final one because he has strange feelings about making them do the show. Jon came in and told Howard that his father had a ton of notes about what they wanted to talk about last night. He came very prepared for the show. Robin thinks that Ben is really into the show and maybe they should keep doing them.
Howard said that he's asked his parents if they want to keep doing it but they tell him they'll do anything he wants. He feels funny about that and thinks that they don't really want to come in and do a weekly show. His mother seems to be the one who doesn't want to do it. He's not sure about his father.
Robin said that Ben and Ray are like what married couples used to be. You don't find people like that anymore. Gary said that they are a team and work together to do things unlike couples today. Howard told Jon that he's been great on the channel and he's very proud of him. He said that he's coming on like gangbusters. Jon said that his parents have been great but Howard wasn't even talking about that. He's done every show very well.
Robin said that she's spent many a night listening to Jon and he's really good at what he's been doing. Howard said that Jon and Gary have done The Wrap Up Show really good. Artie added ''You've been eating coal and shitting diamonds'' which was a nice way of telling Jon he's doing a great job.
Gary wanted to bring Scott in but Howard knew that he was going to fizzle out the whole discussion. Scott came in a short time later and said it's no big deal. He admitted he's a liar and used the F-word a few times. Howard asked him what was up with that and said that it does kind of make him more exciting. Scott said that he remembers the sparkle in KC's eyes back then when he agreed to do it.
Howard said that Scott had agreed to take Lexington's cock up his ass but did back out of it. Scott said he never would have gone through with it no matter how much money it would have been. Scott eventually said that he thought about doing it but when he realized what it was, he decided against it. He told Howard he was right, he did agree to do it and then backed out. He also said that it turned into something bigger than he thought it would when they talked about doing it in Giant's Stadium.
Howard ended the discussion and said that Scott was going to take it up the ass and backed out, that's all there is to it. He asked Scott to get the Homo-Cop thing done but Scott is having some trouble editing in ProTools so he said it will be a little while. Richard came in and told Howard that they have some out takes from the recording of Homo-Cop. Howard told Robin that they have a nice studio where they record this stuff. They caught someone breathing into the microphone. Howard thought it was Artie but Artie swears it wasn't him. It may have been Tim Sabean.
Howard played some audio of Tim Sabean playing the part of a doctor. Howard had to ask him to liven it up a bit. Richard told Howard he found him to be a bit like his father in the old days. He was pretty brutal just like his father was. Howard had some more audio clips from the recording session where he tried some alternate lines. He also had himself freaking out about the background noise. There was also a clip where Howard yelled at Richard Christy because he wasn't able to get a line right. Robin asked Howard what he expected after that Supertwink movie was made.
Artie remembered the first day when he was working on Dirty Work and Norm Macdonald came up to him and told him that the scene they had just done wasn't all that good and that maybe he should try to do the scene good on the next take.
Howard told Jon that he did great last night and hopes that they can do more Meet the Sterns in the future. He wants Robin to see if she can figure out if they want to do the show again. He said that he had to call in last night himself because he was getting so irritated by what his mother was saying about Roosevelt not being as bad as he says it was. He didn't want to beat them up over it but did have to straighten her out about the way he felt back then.
Howard and Artie spent a minute talking about the days when Howard was smoking weed a bit and his mother would come into his room, see smoke and he'd deny it. He said he wasn't all that into smoking weed back then but in his Senior year he did smoke enough to pass out in class. He was able to keep his grades up with his creative writing papers.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who suggested that Howard have Brent Hatley on the show to talk about some of the political stuff they talk about. Howard said that they have Brent working on a show with Bubba where they'll have some military guys who will talk about what's really going on over in Iraq. That show is in development and Howard thinks that it will be a little serious but it should be really interesting.
Another caller told Howard that he tried to listen to David Lee Roth for a couple of days but he got so sick of it that he had to go out and buy SIRIUS. Now he has 7 tuners in all of his cars and trucks so he can listen when he's out... and he loves it. Howard said he thinks that people will eventually come on board, especially once SIRIUS comes out with a truly portable unit. He had to take a break after that.
The next prank phone call was a Korean clock lady who can't say the word ''clock.'' She says ''cock'' instead so Sal the Stockbroker called her and had her saying all kinds of stuff about ''cocks.'' She told him to bring in his ''small cock'' so she could see it. She also said that she has ''over 100 cocks'' in her shop and a ''cock maker'' who can help fix his cock.
Howard took a phone call and ended up talking about how great the on-hold audio is when you call in to SIRIUS. He said he called into Meet the Sterns last night and he was able to listen in and it sounded like the actual radio show. The caller told Howard that it's great to hear Howard on the air again, it helps him get through the night. The guy asked them if they're going to play games and stuff like that. Howard said they will be doing more games in the future.
Lisa told Howard that they'll be doing a story about a photograph that Howard did years ago where Howard was wearing a thorny crown. That picture was to appear on Rolling Stone magazine but they refused to run it. He thinks that they banned it because it would make people insane to see him in a thorny crown... because he's Jewish. Now Kanye West has done the exact same picture and no one is afraid of publishing the picture. He said he's going to contact Rush and Malloy and let them know about the original picture that Mark Seliger took and maybe give them a copy of it so they can print it. Howard and the guys tried to figure out when the picture was taken and just how long ago it was. He wasn't sure though.
Lisa said that they also have part two of the Shuli and Sal the Stockbroker visit to the peep shows. Howard let Lisa go and picked up a phone call. The guy who was there was asleep and snoring so they listened in for a minute. Howard said he could listen to that all day. He tried to wake him up by playing sound effects of train whistles and stuff but it wasn't working.
Ralph called in and told Howard about when that thorny crown picture they were talking about was actually taken. Ralph said that the picture was great and they really wanted to run it. Howard wanted to get in touch with Mark so they could talk to him about it. The picture is actually in Mark Seliger's coffee table book so people can see it.
Howard played another clip where a caller tried to stir some shit up with them by saying that someone on Howard's show said that they should all get in the back of the bus. That wasn't true but the caller was trying to get them riled up. Howard said the chick in that clip sounds like a very angry person and he may not want to mess with her.
Howard thought about going down to Shade45 but they were taking a while to get him a wireless microphone to go down there. Gary told Howard that he was on the line with Rush and Malloy and they were working on getting them a wireless. George Rush is going to be calling back to talk about the thorny crown thing.
Howard spent a minute talking about how Donald Trump is suing a guy over an article he wrote about him only being worth $500 million when he believes that he's actually worth billions. Artie said that he wrote a joke about Trump and did it at a roast and how Trump hates him.
Howard said his picture was taken maybe 10 or 11 years ago and it was at a time when the country was more liberal. George told Howard that this is a story. Howard said that it's the identical picture and he doesn't think that this photographer Lachappelle is an original and maybe, just maybe he got the idea from Mark Seliger's picture of him. Howard thinks that it's racism... or reverse racism... He's not sure.
Howard wanted to send George the photo so he can find out what's up with this. George said he would let him know what he finds out. Howard wasn't sure if George found it interesting or not but Robin said she thinks he was taking notes while Howard was talking to him.
Howard played a quick Keith Olbermann segment that aired a couple of weeks ago. He also played a clip where someone called The Wrap Up Show using a Howard Soundboard and had Gary scared out of his mind that they were doing something wrong on the show.
Howard replayed the clip from Shade45 where the hosts were talking shit about him. They were goofing on him saying that he's like a guy back in the Tarzan days when the white expedition guy would have a bunch of black slaves carrying all of his shit around. That's how they picture Howard with his black security guards. Howard is ready to go down there to talk to them about this stuff. He said he's going to tell them that Eminem is no better than him with all of the black people working for him. Howard said that his channel could beat their channel because they have two channels... and Bubba the Love Sponge. Artie said that they should send Jason down there, he'll come back with no pants.
Howard brought in Dead Air Dave who is the deejay over at K-Rock who used to hit the button on Howard's show every morning. Dave is no longer working over there. Fred was playing some Indian music when he came in and Dave said he was hoping that the music would have stayed behind at K-Rock so he wouldn't have to hear it there.
Dave told Howard that he's now happy to be sitting home and listening to the show and enjoying it instead of hitting the dump button. Howard joked around with Dave about his real name and told him to give it out. Dave said that his first name is Ashok but didn't give his last name.
Howard talked to Dave about how he got the job of hitting the delay button over at K-Rock. Dave said he was asked to do it after this guy Andre left he station. He took the job as a temporary position but eventually took a full time job when they came up with the right amount of money. He never liked hitting the button on the show. Robin said she could tell when he obliterated the show because he would have a look about him about it. Howard said he didn't hate Dave, he hated the position they were put in with all of the censoring.
Artie said that he wasn't upset about him either, he was upset about 9/11. Dave shot back at him and told him to go get jizzed on referring to his revelation. Howard asked Dave if he ever argued with Tom about stuff back in the dump button room. Dave said he was able to argue stuff with Tom until Janet Jackson whipped out her boob. He said after that things changed gradually. Everything got worse and worse as time went by.
Dave said that Tom started sitting in the button room after Janet. He didn't want to bad mouth Tom because he was a really good guy, he was just in a crappy position. Dave said Tom would tell him when to hit the button. Howard told Dave that he loves being there at SIRIUS now and his nightmare is now over. Dave said he hated doing that button thing but he was promised some air shifts while he was doing the button pushing.
Dave told Howard that the money they gave him for the button pushing was great. He said he thinks that they now have people there all day pushing the button on all of their talk shows. He said he had to get out of there once Howard left because he was so burned out.
Jason came in and told Howard he told Dave not to take that job back when he took it but Dave knew what he was getting into. Jason said he thought Dave was making a living and didn't need that job. Howard said that someone had to do the job and Dave just happened to be the guy who took it. Jason thought it was a lame move on Dave's part and he didn't have to take the job.
Artie said that you have to be selfish at times and the guy needed a job so that's not so bad. Howard said that it was probably a shitty position for Dave to take but he needed to make money and he had no other offers at the time. Dave said that he was at K-Rock for 7 years and he wasn't able to get a full time job there so this was almost a guarantee to have a full time job. He said he got more air shifts, especially after Cabbie went to jail.
Artie said that everyone benefits from other people's stupidity and he knows that because he wouldn't have a job if Jackie Martling hadn't left Howard's show. Howard said that Dave has a DVD out where he talks about how miserable he was over at K-Rock and it's a must see video called ''Irritation.'' (Agreed, I got a copy and it's great). The DVD is available at DeadAirDave.net.
Dave said that he would do it all over again if he had to. He's now out of work but he's working with Tim Sabean on some show ideas and he's hoping to work something out on Howard 100. Robin said she always enjoyed Dave's air shifts over at K-Rock and she'd like to hear him again.
Howard thought it was kind of weird that Tom almost made Dave take that job hitting the button. Jason was still in the studio complaining about Dave and wondering why he was picked to hit the button. Howard thought it was kind of strange to have someone who was desperate for air time taking the job. Dave couldn't believe how much of a problem Jason seems to have with him.
Howard asked Dave if he was there when David Lee Roth started. Dave said he was there to help out with the board over there on David Lee's first day. He said that was his last day there though. That led to them talking about how they remodeled Howard's old studio for David but he doesn't use it, he uses the smaller, crappy studio instead. Howard has heard some stories about David Lee giving them some problems over there.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Dave that selling out to do the button pushing isn't going to lead to anything better. Dave said that's his opinion and it's fine. Howard then took a call from a phony Tom Chiusano which was a computer generated voice, probably coming from the back office. ''Tom'' said he misses Dave's brown skin and still wants to nail that brown ass of his. Whoever was working the voice was quick and had answers for the questions Howard and Robin were asking. There were a bunch of jokes about Dave smelling like Curry and things like that and the person repeated them a few times.
Howard said that Dave is kind of ''on the beach'' right now and hanging out, looking for new work. He said that Dave's movie ''Irritation'' is available for free at DeadAirDave.net for anyone who wants to see it. Dave thought Howard was going to get pissed at him because he did some filming in the old studio. Howard said he really doesn't care. Dave told Howard he loves his new channels and is addicted to them now. Fred played some more Indian music and Dave told him to turn that god damn music off.
Howard took one last call from a guy who told Dave that he didn't stand up for what he believes in so f-him and f-his video. Howard said that maybe Dave should have tried to get a better job somewhere but, like he said earlier, someone had to take that job of hitting the button. Dave said there were no other stations he wanted to work at though. He wanted to stay at K-Rock because every other station sucked. That led to the guys talking about how horrible the JackFM station is and how they're in last place.
Ralph called in and told Howard that Dave is a turncoat and doesn't deserve a show on Howard 100. Howard said that they should take some of the greatest comedy bits of all time and have Dave edit them. That would be a great show. Artie told him to take George Carlin's ''Seven Dirty Words'' bit and have him censor it so you just hear seven beeps. Ralph asked Dave to give them some ideas for the shows he wants to do. He pitched a couple but Howard said that he would rather have Dave do a cutting edge show while he sits and censors the shit out of it.
Howard took a few more phone calls and let a few people go off on Dave. One guy asked Howard who would take over for him if he had a stroke or something. Howard said no one would take over, but he's pretty sure he's not sure what would happen. The caller also asked him if he plans on signing on for five more years after this five years. Howard isn't sure what kind of shape he's going to be in by then. He said he may have to become a Wack Pack member if he ever had a stroke. He could call in as Stroke Victim Howie or something like that. He said the person who takes over for him could play a ''What's Howard Saying'' bit. He tried to play the Cliff Palette game CD but had some trouble getting it to work so he gave up a short time later and went to break.
Robin said she's asked for them to fix this problem about 3 or 4 times so far and it's not being fixed. She said she asks them to fix it after the show almost every day. Gary said that Howard was chipping away at something that was really nothing. Howard then started to chip away at Gary a little bit. Gary changed subjects and got back to talking about the cases of booze that they got.
Howard said that they haven't used the bar in the studio yet but they will eventually get to that. They will get to that kind of stuff eventually and they have guests who they may want to get drunk. Howard read that they got a bunch of listener submitted song parodies and he'd like to hear them. Gary said that they're going through a lot of that stuff and some of the songs aren't good enough to goof on or play on the air.
Artie mentioned Lisa G's name talking about how hot she is. Artie said she is pretty hot and he wants to bang one of those chicks on the Howard 100 News team. Howard wondered if the news team would cover their affair if Artie did bang her.
Howard got a copy of a book called ''Fuck this Book'' where they have pictures of signs where they put up the F-word. He said he's really not impressed by it and doesn't have any desire to interview the author. He said he gets a lot of stuff like that and he ends up giving Tim Sabean's business card to people who bug him about getting on his channels.
Artie was telling Howard that there are a lot of comedians out there who have wacky business cards. Howard understands that because comedians have to get booked at comedy clubs and stuff like that.
Howard read through some of the other junk that people send them over there. He had a video of something called Drinking with Steve where you watch a guy drinking on DVD. There was also some porn that came in so Howard mentioned some of the names. That led to Richard coming in to explain what some of them were. One name was ''ATM City'' and the ATM means Ass To Mouth. Howard wasn't aware of that. Gary asked Howard if he's ever had a woman do that for him. He said that's never happened but he did have a chick one time who he was doing doggy style and she pulled him out and shoved it in her ass.
Howard said he would like to have a woman suck him off after he does her vaginally. He said he's never had that so Gary and Artie said that's great. Artie told Howard that he's never had anal sex with a chick, ever. Howard told him that it would freak him out if he ever did. Howard said that he feels doody when he does that and things move around in there. Artie said that he can't even think about Dana taking a dump and can't stand to see the wet wipes in the bathroom.
Howard told Artie that Beth never takes a dump more than once a month or so. That's what he wants to believe anyway. He hasn't seen her go to the bathroom in 6 years and he doesn't want to. He told Artie that when having anal it feels like there's a fish in there. He said he thinks that he's been pushing a turd back while doing that. He also said he's come out of there dirty after doing that. He said he had to take a shower after doing it one time.
Artie told a story that a friend told him about Burt Reynolds. He said he heard that Burt was with a chick one time and she told him he was going to go take a dump. It grossed Burt out so much that he didn't have sex with another woman for at least 3 weeks.
Richard told Howard that he was with a chick one time and went to the bathroom after she was there. There was a huge log in the toilet and he never looked at her the same way again. Howard said that maybe she did that on purpose. Artie and Howard were goofing on him about that and how the chick probably just wanted to get rid of him.
Howard got on the subject of business cards again. The guys were talking about how they could just give people cards when people ask where to send stuff. Howard knows that they'll have some problems with the cards eventually and it's probably a bad idea.
Richard told Howard that this band Chicken Skin Duffle Bag sent in a horrible song about their move to satellite. He started to play the song and it was horrible but Howard said that they should call them and tell them that it's the greatest song ever and that they'll have to get them to open up for Metallica. They used the C-word and the F-word all over the song. Howard figured they were just too old to get into the song and maybe 14 year olds would be into it. He was just kidding and knows that no one is going to be into this song.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard how great SIRIUS is and brought up the New Year's Eve show that Howard called in on. He said that it was kind of a bummer when Gary was talking about his kids being in the car while he was talking to Howard. Gary said he was on the phone for a half hour and he was falling asleep so he had to get off the phone.
Howard had Paco practice calling Shade45 because he kept threatening to call them so he could hurt someone's feelings. Howard pretended to be one of the guys from Shade45 but Paco wasn't able to keep up with him. He eventually came around so Howard told him to go call Shade45 so he could hurt someone's feelings. Paco was still yelling with his strange New Mexico accent that he had.
Howard read through more of the porn titles he was going through earlier. He read through some titles like...
Howard pointed out that FOX news has a deal with XM satellite so maybe they should reveal that when they do a story that would benefit them. Yesterday Howard had an argument with Neil Cavuto from FOX news about Chaunce Hayden bad mouthing him and it's not clear that FOX could benefit from bad mouthing SIRIUS the way they were.
Howard wanted to talk to the guy who invented this Crystal deodorant that he's been using lately. He said that the stuff is great and he loves the roll-on version. Gary said they sent some of the stick deodorant but that's not what Howard wants. He said he really likes this stuff and it doesn't have any of the aluminum crap in it. He said he's afraid the company is going to go out of business and that's why he keeps mentioning it on the air.
Howard mentioned that there are a bunch of new shows on Howard Stern On Demand starting today. A few of those shows are...
The news about Sam Simon developing an radio sitcom for Howard 100 came up again. Howard said this will be their first sitcom on Howard 100. They will also have Danny Bonaduce in next week to do a week's worth of shows.
Beth didn't want to get into this discussion. She asked George Flowers from Howard 100 News to talk about it but he didn't want to go there either. Howard let George give them an update on what they have coming up on the Howard 100 News at noon. He said that they'll be doing a profile of MarksFriggin, a story about Kanye West and the thorny crown picture they talked about earlier in the show. George said they'll also be talking about Bubba the Love Sponge's problem with Howard 100 News and how he hasn't returned their calls lately. Shuli will also have the second part of his trip to the peep booths with Sal the Stockbroker.
Jon Hein gave Howard an update on what they had coming up on The Wrap Up Show (The After Shit Show). He said they'll be going over some of the things that happened on the show today. They'll be talking to Artie too but Artie wasn't too happy that he had to do another interview, he just wants to go eat.
Howard brought up Beth not going to the bathroom very often and how she probably hasn't gone in a week. Beth said she has a problem and probably hasn't eaten in 2 weeks. She changed the subject and said that they were trying to bring some dogs up for Ronnie to see because he's looking to adopt a new dog. Beth was there with Leslie from the North Shore Animal League. They're doing a show at a restaurant called Sapa which is on West 24th St. in New York City.
Howard got back to the ATM (ass to mouth) discussion with Beth. Howard was very happy to hear that Beth was willing to do that for him. Beth asked Robin if she likes the taste of herself and Robin revealed that she actually enjoys that. She wouldn't like the anal thing but she doesn't mind the taste from her vagina. Jon Hein said they may dump Artie to bring Robin in on The Wrap Up Show.
After the commercials Howard said that they don't have much time left on the show and you'd think they would with less commercials to run. He was trying to eat during the break but he had to throw out half of his food because he wasn't able to finish it.
Howard said he's so happy that he's in a relationship where he doesn't hate the person he's with. He's been with Beth for like 5 years and he's not tired of her. He said he really lucked out with her because he really did date some assholes when he was dating.
Artie said that Dr. Calabro sent him a nice gift of a digital camera. Gary told Howard that Dr. Calabro sent everyone on the show a digital camera, not just Artie. He said that the cameras are 8 Megapixel Minoltas. He brought one in for Howard to check out. Howard said if Beth was still there, he'd give her the camera and tell her he bought it. He was also thinking of giving it to his daughter who just turned 13. The camera was really nice according to everyone in the studio. Howard said he might have to keep it for himself.
Howard had Gary try to bring Beth in so he could give her the camera. Gary said that they just missed her because she was already gone. She had been out talking to JD but by the time he got there, she was gone. Howard said he'd take the camera home with him and give it to her there.
Captain Janks called in and told Howard about what went on with David Lee Roth's show this morning. He was doing a show where he had people calling in to do black voices and Tom Chiusano came in to tell him he didn't like what he was doing. Howard figures that's a bit that they're doing for the air to create some controversy. Janks said that he thinks Tom really doesn't like Dave but Howard said he's not so sure about that. He thinks that it's probably just a bit.
Janks also told Howard that he got the Howard Stern On Demand package and loves the shows on there. He and Howard spent a short time talking about that. Janks then asked Howard to put his name up on the PDT (the scroll on the SIRIUS tuners) but the guys thought that was kind of lame. Howard asked him if they could put up ''Captain Janks is Gay.'' Janks said that anything is fine with him. They had it up a short time later.
Howard said they were unable to get in touch with his parents this morning. He wanted to talk to his mother about doing more Meet the Sterns shows but no one was answering the phone. Howard said that his mother does one thing a day and she's probably out doing that one thing.
Howard said that it's so obvious that Bob Levy posts half of the stuff on SFN about having him on the show again. He said he thinks Bob also sent in some e-mail. Howard said that Bob doesn't have to go through all of that trouble, he'll have him on again. Fred said he kind of had that thought in the back of his mind that Bob was sending in some of that stuff. Howard said he loves Levy and he'll have him back in again soon.
Howard had Robin start her news a short time later but he got some e-mail from Jason where people were begging Howard to keep Levy on the show. Howard still thinks that Levy sent some of those e-mails. Howard read through the mail and can't believe that people were that impressed with how Bob did on the show.
Howard read some more mail about his parents show Meet the Sterns. One person complained about the way his mother was licking her lips on the air and told him to get her some water. Howard said that's the reason he doesn't want them doing the show anymore. Someone suggested that they do the show from their home so they don't have to travel into the city. A bunch of people loved the show that they did so there was a lot of good feedback about it. They'll call Ben and Ray tomorrow to find out if they want to keep doing the show.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and told Howard he's out of his mind if he thinks that he sent in those e-mails. He said that some people told him that they liked him on there so he told them to send an e-mail to the show. Howard said he can tell an e-mail when it's a set up. Robin was telling Bob that he was even setting up this call to get some more promotion so Bob told her that she's next to get roasted. Bob also told Howard he's looking for something to hang himself from in his basement. He said that his ceilings are too low though.
Sal came in and goofed on Bob's MySpace account and how he was telling him that everyone is telling him that he was great on the show. Bob said that Sal was just busting his balls and he never said that. The two of them went at each other for a minute. Sal then told Bob that he was going to go send the show some positive e-mail. Bob thanked him for that so Howard let him get going.
Gary was about to pick up the phone to call the Make-A-Wish foundation to find out if their kid is really dying or not. Howard said that probably wouldn't be a good idea. Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show at around 10:45am.
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Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to the show but forgetting his name for a few seconds. He then said they're going to have some people from Shade45 down to talk to them. He and Artie started to recite the scene from ''Ed Wood'' that they've been playing quite a bit lately where Bela Lugosi goes crazy when Boris Karloff's name is brought up. Howard played the clip after trying to recite it from his memory. That led to Howard playing the prank call they made to a woman using clips from that movie scene.
Howard said he's also been goofing on Gary and his apology tape where he tried to get his girlfriend back and video taped himself. He's been saying ''Hello, hello!'' and repeating some of the other dopey things Gary said in that tape. Gary said he made $25,000 to bring that tape in to be played but he's not sure that was enough. Howard continued to goof on him about the stuff he mentioned in that tape for a short time. Gary said that he heard Howard's old girlfriend reading letters that Howard wrote to her and they were pretty embarrassing.
Fred found some of the Gary clips and played them for Howard to goof on even more. Then they played a prank call that they made using clips from Gary's tape. They had him trying to get some women back who had never even heard of Gary. They had no idea who was calling and would all hang up within a few seconds.
Howard said he may hire a staff to post stuff on a phony bulletin board that's all positive about him. Fred asked him how he can go by what a few idiots say over there. He knows that no one is going to like what he says but he won't be reading it. Howard said that he used to think that it would be cool to be in a room while people are talking about him and that's kind of what SFN is like for him. Now that he's gotten into it, he realizes it's not a good idea.
Howard said he saw Artie reading some reviews about his own stuff because he's just now getting into the internet thing. He said that Artie found a web site that was reviewing his DVD and was reading it during the show. Artie said all of the articles were positive though so it was a pleasant experience. Howard said that he gets on that SFN and sees a few positive comments and then starts reading more and finds all of the negative stuff.
Howard is wondering if he should bother with the Homo-Cop bit he recorded earlier in the week. After reading the SFN stuff, he's not so sure he's going to re-record any other old bits. He said he was going to do the Andy of Mayberry bits but now he may not bother.
Artie said that he's put on about 30 pounds since finishing his movie last summer because he just doesn't do anything anymore. He used to run while listening to his iPod but he got sick of the music on there so he stopped. Robin told him he's got to put new music on there.
Artie said he's heard Howard say that he's done with SFN before so he'll probably be back. Howard swears he's done with that now though. Gary came in and said that they've already started the hate-Fred thread over at SFN. Benjy said that they also started a Howard Appreciation thread though. Howard said that maybe if they have only positive comments in there he'll read it.
A phone caller brought up this guy Paco who called in and told them that he was going to call Shade45 and ''hurt their feelings'' because he was so upset with the way they were bad mouthing Howard and his people. The caller wants Howard to hire that guy. Howard said he heard that Paco called into Shade45 but no one has a tape of it.
The caller Howard had on the line was talking about some of the nuts who have been trying to get Howard off the air. Howard and the caller were talking about satellite radio and how those religious freaks will probably never even buy a satellite radio but they want him shut up anyway. Howard pointed out that there has been porn available on cable TV for a very long time but no one complained... but they will complain about his radio show and how they want it off the air.
That led to Howard saying that he's got to give these guys some rules because he heard that Sal had a food fight the other day in their really nice offices. He said that they have a really great place to work in now and people are throwing food around. He wants to fire anyone that messes that up for them.
Howard was talking to his mother about working at K-Rock and how he used to get a headache every day during the show. He thought it was his headphones but his mother said that maybe it was the filthy dirty conditions he was working in. He talked about how crappy everything was back at K-Rock and how everything was dirty and disgusting. His mother said to him that they were making so much money over there that they could have given their employees a decent chair at least.
Howard said he's heard about David Lee Roth complaining about what's going on over there and now he's wondering if he's not as out of his mind as he thinks. He said that the penny pinching can't continue there at SIRIUS and he wants to tell that to Mel. He said that he can get so much work done now because he's in a pleasant work place. He talked about how the company he worked for before started to nickel and dime everything even though they were making tons of money.
Howard said there's a magic about working in that place. Everything is clean and it makes a huge difference. He sees Sal and Richard's office sometimes and gets a great feeling about it. He said he doesn't even want to go home because it's so nice there. He said ''shame on the entire Viacom company'' after thinking about how filthy and dirty everything was over at K-Rock.
Gary said that the station bought some chairs when they moved over there and they had rubber handles on them. They would wear down but they never threw them away, even after people cut open their pants on the sharp metal sticking out. Richard came in and told Howard about the food he was throwing around and why he did it. Howard told him that he really respects SIRIUS for what they've done for them and he wants them to keep it going. He doesn't want his people to get depressed because of penny pinching. He wants to keep it pristine to keep that going.
Howard said the point is that he doesn't want Sal to jerk-off there at the studio. Sal said he won't, he'll go to McDonalds or something instead. Gary told Howard that he was able to buy a real lamp for his office so he doesn't have to leave his fluorescent lights on because they're so depressing. That makes it easier for him to stay in his office until 5 or 6 at night.
Howard said he got a call from Sam Simon the other day about doing the radio sitcom. Sam was inspired to do it after seeing the studios up there. He realized it was first rate stuff and that's what got his attention and made him want to work for them. Howard said he hopes that upper management realizes that and keeps the place looking good.
Gary told Howard how easy things are there now. He said that when he has a computer problem, he can actually call a help desk that the company has to figure things out. He used to have one guy over at K-Rock that would try to help him out. Sal said that he used to watch Howard coming out of his studio over at K-Rock and he's always walk out with his shoulders slouched. Now he's turned around and walks out with his head high. Fred was playing sound effects of Sal kissing Howard's ass and sucking him off. Howard said that Sal can tell everyone that he now walks out of there riding on a white horse.
Richard told Howard that Sal has been hiding a porn magazine inside a MAD magazine and taking it into the bathroom. Sal said he's not going to do that anymore though. He said that the chick in the ''Face Fuck'' video was really hot and that's why he had his premature ejaculation problem. He couldn't believe what was happening. He ran into the bathroom, spit on his hand and jerked it out. He said he did get a little on the side of the toilet but he wiped it up. He said that he always cleans it up. Howard told him that's really got to stop.
Artie said that he doesn't want to sit on Sal's jizz when he's taking a shit. Howard told Sal to go back to the K-Rock studios to jerk off if he feels the need to do it. Richard said that there is a peep booth around the corner. Sal said he went to a peep booth the other day and it was gone. The booth had been turned into a t-shirt booth so he was walking around banging on the walls looking for a hidden room or something. The store owner had to chase him out of there. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard played some audio of Wendy the Retard leaving a voice mail where she mumbles and curses about the FCC going after him. She sounded really pissed and cursed like crazy calling everyone motherfuckers and warned them not to start messing with her Howard again. Fred played some of Wendy's karaoke performances as she was going off on the FCC and others.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard that the people on Shade45 aren't even black. He said that the guy that was bad mouthing them yesterday was actually a Puerto Rican guy. Howard couldn't believe that. The caller said that they also have a guy who calls himself ''Rude Jew'' who is a white guy.
Another caller said that the Shade45 crew over there is mostly white Jewish kids from Long Island. Howard said they were accusing them of having black security guards but meanwhile, that's what Eminem does in his organization.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who brought up Robin's sexual experiences and how she likes to take it up the ass. Robin said she only did that once or twice, she doesn't do it regularly. She also said that Steve Leeds came up to her yesterday and told her that she's way too honest sometimes.
A caller told Howard that he got in a car accident a couple of months ago so he gets to listen to every show now. He was listening to the old station last night and heard Booker doing his show and saying the word ''bitch'' over and over again like Howard got censored for. Howard said that there's a double standard on radio and some people can do what they want while he gets in trouble for saying the word bitch. He said now he doesn't have to worry about that and can do whatever he wants on the air. The caller asked Howard to help him out getting a new antenna because one of them broke. Howard put him on hold and said he knows he's going to turn into customer service there.
Lisa told Howard that they have a field trip to Roosevelt Long Island today to interview some people out there about Howard. They will also be talking to someone about Beth not going to the bathroom very often. She may have a problem so they will talk to an expert about that. Howard said that Beth will sometimes go 3 weeks without moving her bowels and he's told her to get that checked out. They'll also have a Mr. Skin update. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard pointed out that he's no Tarzan master like Cipha was saying in that audio clip. He said that if anyone is like that it's Eminem. He said that Eminem has a black posse and also pointed out that the black guys he has outside of his studio are actually guards put there by SIRIUS, not by him. He wondered if they think they should fire those guys. They don't want them fired but they were wondering why they need a metal detector outside the studio. Howard told them that they have had guns pulled out there so they need stuff like that.
Howard talked to Angela a little bit about her ethnicity. She said that she's half black and half Chinese. Howard also pointed out that Cipha isn't black, he's Puerto Rican. Cipha said he feels that they should be allowed to come inside Howard's area there at SIRIUS. Howard asked about the curtains that are up around Shade45's studio. Cipha told Howard that it was SIRIUS that put those curtains up, not them. There was some stuff going on there when they first started there that got the curtains put up.
Howard told the guys that he's there to help make the future of broadcasting. He said that people who are different need a place to go and this is the place. He said that Eminem should be out there promoting SIRIUS if he really believes in this service. Howard said he's out there every day talking to people about SIRIUS. Angela told Howard that maybe Eminem would do that if he was getting paid $500 million like he was. Howard said that he has to go out and earn that money.
Howard said he doesn't know if anyone has a beef with him or not. He said they're welcome to come down there to visit anytime though. Cipha told Howard that he remembers that first day Howard was on because they were going to be working with Howard Stern. He said that there has been drama ever since that first day though.
Cipha told Howard that his show is hip-hop even if he doesn't know it. He said that they talk about drugs, money and bitches so that's hip-hop. Howard said he's the original hip-hop and he knows it. Howard talked to Angela a little bit and asked her if she's ever been with a white boy. She said that's never happened. She also filled Howard in on her family. Her father is Chinese and her mother is black. Howard said that must have been tough for her father with other Chinese people.
Howard asked Angela and Cipha to do some freestyle rap for them but Angela said that she can't do that stuff. Cipha went for it but Howard told him he's about as good as he is. Sal the Stockbroker came in a short time later and did some of his own freestyle. He was goofing on Cipha and goofing on Gary until Howard kicked him out.
Angela said that she got an e-mail from a fan who used to work for Howard and he said that he used to have a gay guy working for him that would shave his chest hair every morning. Howard said that was Ralph and Ralph is still there.
Cipha was telling Howard that putting up that wall to keep everyone out isn't very friendly. Howard told them that he's like a wrecking machine and works 24 hours a day. He doesn't invite people over to visit, he's insane about working and doesn't have time to do that stuff. Angela told Robin that maybe she should do that but Robin said that she's busy working too. Robin and Howard both said that they've walked past the Shade45 studio and there's no love coming from that studio either.
Howard told the guys that he has a very successful radio show and he's trying to help the service out by bringing listeners in. If he can do that, everyone will benefit from it so no one should be worrying about the size of his studio or how they have an unfriendly wall up.
Howard played some audio from Angela and Cipha's show where a guy called in and tried to start some shit with them. Cipha thought that Howard had called them the N-word but it never did. Howard told the guys that he was never some ''power broker'' in the business. He's just there to create some great radio and he needs the space to do it since he has 2 channels to program.
Cipha was kind of upset that Howard had stolen away Ant as a guest from their show. Artie told them not to fight over Ant. It's not like it was George Clooney or someone like that. That's what they're afraid of Howard doing though. When they have guests, it would be very easy for someone to steal guests from them. Howard jokingly told them that they have a swimming pool in the back. He also showed them the bar they have in the studio and said that Angela should come by for a drink after the show.
Howard wanted to hear Angela and Cipha's complaints. Angela said that before Howard came, they were the only live morning show so the bathrooms were always clean. Now they smell like poop every morning. Howard said they're not responsible for that, they don't have that many women working there.
Howard wrapped up with Angela and Cipha who had brought them some brownies. Angela said that the brownies have a little kick to them... Artie took that as meaning they were pot brownies. Cipha said he warned them about snitching and dropped the subject. Howard talked to Wonder a little bit and then went to commercial break.
Artie said that he will get drunk at the shows but he doesn't get high anymore. Howard said that someone gave him a flask as a gift recently so he'll bring that with him to the concert. That's what Artie will probably be doing as well. Howard played some Allman Brothers songs and Artie sang along with them. Gary told Howard they had some people waiting to come in so they had to get to them.
Howard said that Jimmy and Jarred from The Bloodhound Gang were there to pitch a show idea so he told Yucko to just sit back and chime in now and then. Fred played ''Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo'' from The Bloodhound Gang as they were coming in. The song is all about different terms for banging chicks. Howard asked the guys how they wrote that song. Jimmy told Howard that they were throwing around all kinds of terms that related to ham and stuff. Howard said they weren't even allowed to play that song on regular radio. Jimmy said the only place they can play that stuff is here at SIRIUS.
They've actually been doing very well in Europe and go double platinum over there. Jimmy said they did have one big hit song here in the States though. That song was ''The Bad Touch.'' Howard played some of that but it was a gayed up version that was big over in Europe.
Jimmy was telling Howard that they used to do some gay stuff on stage when they were doing shows. No matter where they went they would have guys who would come on stage to make out with him. Jared said that Jimmy swears that he's straight but he's made out with more guys than Paul Lynde. Howard told Jimmy that making out with a dude is gay no matter which way you look at it. Robin asked Artie if he would ever go down that road. Artie would never go that direction no matter how bad his career got.
Jimmy said that Jared will do some stuff like piss on his head sometimes. They'll do anything in their shows. Howard told them that was gay too. Jimmy once gave a guy a hand job at a party as a goof so that came across as very gay too. Howard asked Yucko if he would ever piss on a guy. Yucko said ''Hell no!''
Jared told Howard that he used to pee in guys beer when he was in college. They used to play ''Piss Hunter'' where they would piss in other peoples beer so he ended up drinking other people's piss once in a while. He figures he's probably drank a gallon or a gallon and a half of other people's pee over the years.
Howard said that these guys might be ripe for a show there on Howard 100. They do some crazy stuff and Howard might be interested in that. They told Howard that they once had a guy eat his own shit to win tickets to one of their shows. They video taped that too so they're going to send the tape to Gary. Howard found that hard to believe that someone would eat his own excrement. The guys said it was actually for four tickets, not just one.
Howard told the guys that they have Danny Bonaduce coming in next week to do a weeks worth of shows. Jared said that guy is out of his mind. Howard said that they have all kinds of shows in the works there at Howard 100 and 101. They're looking for more programming and wanted to hear what Jimmy and Jared wanted to do. Jared said they were actually kicked off of Mancow's show last month. They're not even sure what happened there. Howard said that if Mancow had heard them on his show, he would have realized that they were good guests.
Jared told Howard about how they were all set to go on Mancow's show and when they went into the studio to do the show, Mancow started to freak out and kicked them out of the studio. They had been on the show before so they're not even sure why he was flipping out.
Howard said they did a bridge report for the first time since Howard left Los Angeles. He read the article that said that KLSX has dropped about 28 percent of their tune in audience. They asked people what they were listening to out there and there is a big change going on out there. It appears to be complete chaos out there. Jimmy said that once people listen to SIRIUS, they don't go back to regular radio. Howard said he doesn't give a shit about any of those stations now.
Jimmy had a guy come in who they want to be an announcer on the show they were pitching. This guy Mark works as a bagger at a grocery store. Mark from the Park or The Bagger had a very unique voice. He said that he bags groceries and gets carts for this store he works at. He lives at home with his mom and he's bi-sexual. Jimmy asked him if he would blow Howard behind a Duane Reed store. Mark quickly said ''yes.'' He also told Howard that he met Jimmy and Jared through his agent! Howard told Jimmy and Jared that they can't use this guy as an announcer, he wants him for his show.
Mark was willing to drop Jimmy and Jared to work for Howard if he had the chance. Howard asked Mark where else he's worked. He said that he worked on MTV2 at some point. He's also appeared in some of The Bloodhound Gang's videos. Howard asked Mark if he was ready to give up that job bagging groceries. Howard asked him if a woman has ever come on to him while he was bringing out her groceries. He said no but Jimmy and Jared said he's lying because he has done a woman in the dumpster behind the Acme. Mark also admitted that he's banged guys as well.
Howard asked Mark how the gay stuff came about. Mark said that he met a guy at college. No one believed that he went to college. He swore that he went to Johnstown College in Pittsburgh. Jimmy and Jared said that he's got to be lying. Howard asked him more about the gay stuff and Mark filled him in on how they hooked up and ended up doing each other. Mark said he liked the gay sex but he didn't have an orgasm. He was basically saying that he'll take what he can get out there. He's up for just about anything.
Howard asked Mark if he's retarded or slow or anything like that. Mark says he's not so Howard tested him by asking a couple of math questions. He got a couple right but then he answered wrong for a question that the gang asked him... ''Bread, Eggs, Campbells Soup Cans, what goes on top?'' He said the soup cans go on top.
Mark brought Howard a gift of a Jaegermeister machine that chills the Jaeger down to about 10 degrees. Howard thought that was kind of cool and Yucko and Artie were asking for some shots. They had to plug the thing in though so it wasn't easy to set up.
Howard got back to Jared and Jimmy and asked them what they would do on their radio show. Jimmy said that they're at each other's throats a lot and they would work out some problems they have between each other. Howard said that might be more interesting than when a band like Metallica gets together.
Jimmy and Jared said that Bam Margera has admitted that he slept with Jessica Simpson but Howard said that could just be a guy bragging about something that didn't actually happen. Jimmy said that Bam now denies it but he did get a call from him one night where he said he had done her. Jared said he thinks that Jessica has a bit of a man-face anyway. Jared said he was on Bam's show ''Viva La Bam'' on MTV and he ended up getting sent to jail. He said they had to pee off a 3 story building to get points for doing crazy things like that. He said he ended up getting arrested for peeing off the building. He was charged with lude conduct and some other crazy things. They ended up with about $10,000 in fines because of that... and they think Bam was the one who called the cops so he'd win the scavenger hunt they were doing.
Howard told the guys that he would set the guys up with Tim Sabean and maybe he'd set them up with a test show one night. They said they would like to do a Sunday night show sometime. Howard took a phone call from someone who thinks this is a great move to have them do their own show.
Howard said that Jimmy was almost an intern on their show but after trying four times and being rejected, he gave up. He told the guys that they're going to give them the chance to try out their show because that's the attitude they have there at Howard 100 and 101.
Captain Janks asked Mark if he would suck a cock for a ''dollar two ninety eight.'' Mark said no but Jimmy and Jared told Mark to show the guys his uncircumcised penis. It was pretty big from what the guys were saying. Yucko said that it was bigger than the SIRIUS audience right now... Honk, honk. Artie said that there is no god if a retarded guy has a cock like that.
Yucko and Mark were going back and forth for a few seconds. Yucko was calling him a retard and some other things and Mark was taking it and yelling back at Yucko. Howard wrapped up with them and gave them a plug for their new album ''Hefty Fine'' which is out now... and you'll only hear their stuff on satellite because of the content.
Howard talked about Henry's recent jail time and the phone call he made to the show last week. They found out that Henry was in jail for carrying some dirty syringes that had some traces of meth on them. He was arrested and did 5 months in jail for that. That happened over 2 years ago though and he's been clean since. Henry said that the meth makes you nuts and it's the worst drug in the world. He had a couple of trespassing charges too and he's not even allowed in the bar in his own restaurant.
Howard thinks that he's kind of proud of that stuff and wondered when he's going to stop. Henry asked for a shot of Jaeger while he was in there. Yucko told Howard they have to wake this guy up somehow. Artie got a bottle of Jaeger for Henry and passed him the booze.
Henry talked about the sauce he sells called Sunday Gravy. You can find out more about that at SundayGravy.net. Howard then brought up this ass rape that Henry was involved with. He was taken out into the woods and a couple of guys did him and video taped it. Howard has seen some of the tape and he's going to show it to the guys. Henry's almost-ex-wife was on the phone to tell Howard she doesn't believe that he was raped, she thinks he wanted it.
Howard had Henry explain this rape and how it all came about. He says that they slipped something into his drink and he doesn't remember anything after that. Kelly thinks that he did it on purpose to make some money and it failed so now he's denying that he did it willingly. Howard had Artie take Henry's drink away because he was afraid he was going to get too wasted and wouldn't be a good guest.
Gary played some of the tape for Howard, without sound, and told him what was going on. Henry said that the guy holding the purple dildo in the shot was Kelly's ex-husband. Kelly confirmed that. Then the guys saw on the tape where Henry was very inebriated and took it up the ass. Howard said it looked like Henry's ass was actually in pretty good shape for a guy that age. Then they saw the guy giving it to Henry with a strap-on. Henry said that guy is now in prison doing ten... Yucko told him it looked like he was getting 10 himself.
Henry said that this is the first time he's seeing this tape and he's going to prosecute them. He said that they were going to sell the tape to Larry Flynt but Larry got pissed when he saw it. Kelly told Howard that this really wouldn't be out of character for Henry to pull something like that. Henry said that Kelly is full of shit. She said that she's seen Henry do blow jobs before but he said that's not true. He said he's done threesomes with his wife before but only with women. Kelly said that they've had guys too.
Kelly's boyfriend was there with her so he told Howard that he was asked by Henry to do that same act that was done on Henry. Henry said that they're both fuckin liars. The boyfriend, Ray, said that Henry can't take care of business and that's why he's with her. Henry once got arrested for chasing his wife around with a butcher knife. Henry said he wanted to chop her head off because she had cheated on him. Kelly said she didn't cheat on him but he called her a liar again.
Ray told Howard that he once found Henry watching pornos with a cucumber up his ass. Henry was ready to walk out and took his microphone off. Howard had to have him come back to the mic and asked him to sit down. He really wanted some of that Jaegermeister while he was talking about this stuff.
Howard said that it seems like Henry's life is getting screwed up again. Gary brought in Henry's friend Marie who is Henry's business partner. She told Howard that what Kelly and Ray are saying is a lie. She also said that those two guys that took Henry out to rape him searched her office for Larry Flynt's phone number. Henry told Howard he didn't have the cucumber up the ass either.
Kelly told Marie that if she kept her security cameras on in her restaurant, she would see that Henry did chase her with a knife one time. Howard let Kelly and Ray go and said he wanted to sort things out. Henry's life is so complicated. Henry was trying to get some Jaeger but Howard wasn't allowing it.
Howard asked Henry if he's ever fellated a guy before. Henry said that's bullshit and he's never done it. He thinks that everything is going well in his life. That led to Howard playing a clip that Jim Breuer recorded where he was doing his Joe Pesci impression and going off on Henry about getting fucked up the ass in the woods.
Howard took some phone calls for Henry and let some people go off on him. This guy Pauly calls in every time Henry is on and said that this is the first time he's ever felt sorry for Henry. He and Henry didn't get into it as much as usual. Another guy called in and said that his father used to hang out with Henry and he told him that he did have some ''fag parties'' back in the day. Henry laughed and said he never did.
Captain Janks said that Henry once asked to suck his dick and asked him not to tell anyone. Henry just laughed and said he doesn't know this guy Janks. Howard took another call from a guy who said he knows a cop who arrested Henry back in 1995 or so and he was running around in women's panties. Henry laughed with that evil laugh of his when he heard that too. A few more callers went off on Henry. One guy claims that he has f'd Henry up the ass too. Yucko said that Henry is going on OutQ (the gay channel on SIRIUS) after this.
Henry got back up and went to get a drink but no one was allowing it. Howard told him it was only 9:22 in the morning and it wasn't time to drink. He asked Henry if he's really telling the truth because if he was, he probably wouldn't be drinking. The guys were wondering if Henry was acting or actually drunk in the video where he was ass raped. Benjy asked Henry a couple of questions because he was being a little vague about the charges he's supposedly pressing against the guys who allegedly raped him. One caller asked Henry if he will throw in that ''Henry goes wild'' video if he buys a couple bottles of Sunday Gravy. Henry said that tape is not for sale. Howard said he did look a little upset about it when he brought it up.
Howard and Robin were trying to get Henry to stop drinking and straighten up his life. Henry said he's going to the shrink next week to try and get straight. Howard let Henry get in some plugs for this Sunday Gravy they're selling. He said it's very fresh stuff and they're even franchising the restaurant in a couple of locations. Howard had to wrap up but took another call for him. The caller asked Henry why he has to make the Italian people look so bad. Another guy asked him how he managed to stay alive after everything he's gone through. Henry said he thinks he's blessed. Howard wrapped up after that and let Yucko get in a ''fuck you Henry'' as they went to break.
Howard talked about how there's a lot of negativity coming out now that people think he can't come back and blast them. He said that this guy Rob Sheffield from Rolling Stone blasted him for sucking now that people are all kissing his ass on SIRIUS. The funny thing to Howard was that he was actually thinking about hiring that guy to do something on his channels there. He said this negativity is coming out all over the place now and FOX news is tracking SIRIUS stock and blaming him for the stock not going up. He said he's always gotten good reviews on things that he's done outside of the show, but never the radio show.
Howard said that the Rob Sheffield article really bummed him out and he's been really nice by not talking about the way Jann Wenner gets fucked up the ass on a regular basis. He said he's not sure if Jann is the one taking it or giving it but it might be time to start giving some back to him. Rob apparently says that David Lee Roth's show is better than Howard's. The guy must not be listening to either show because he also said that Howard has been bad mouthing Dave's show. Howard said he's actually been complimenting Dave for some of the stuff he's doing.
Howard read some of the article that Rob Sheffield wrote and went off on him calling him a ''dumb fuck'' after reading that he thinks Howard was thinking about the old days and going off on the FCC and corporate censors. Howard said that the government is already talking about censoring him again so his complaint is valid. He also pointed out that he's 52 years old and still reading Rolling Stone magazine. He said that Jann Wenner needs to wake up and get with it because they can't get any young readers.
Howard said that maybe Rob should write an article about Jann. He also put the word out that Jann should stop inviting him to his big fag parties from now on. He said he really hates those negative articles and he's not as thick skinned as he thought he was. He can't even go on SternFanNetwork.com to get relief from the negativity. Howard said that Rolling Stone will print an article about Yoko Ono being a legitimate performer but they'll shit all over him.
Jon Hein told Howard that they'll be talking about The Bloodhound Gang on The Wrap Up Show after Howard's show. Yucko will be coming on to hang out with them since Artie doesn't want to do the show anymore. They'll also be talking about Henry Hill and the Shade45 crew that were on earlier.
Howard talked about how things are just going to get uglier and uglier with Rolling Stone now that they've printed a negative article. He said he wants to know why Rolling Stone can't get readers under the age of 50.
Robin told Howard that on Howard 100 News yesterday they said they contacted Jann Wenner about the Kanye West picture and Jann refused to talk to them but said he would talk to Howard. Gary said he was working on getting Rob Sheffield but he will now try to get Jann.
Howard saw Dan the Song Parody Man sitting behind Gary so he brought up the hunting knife that Dan got him as a gift. He said he's not sure what he wants to do with it because he can't leave it out anywhere with his 13 year old daughter and her friends coming over. He really likes the knife but he doesn't know what to do with it other than killing someone. Dan has given him knives in the past but they were much smaller.
Gary came in and said that the knife thing is kind of creepy. Howard said the knife is made for killing and gutting a living thing. Dan told Howard that you're never too old to stab someone after Howard told him it was kind of childish to collect knives. Dan wants to give Howard a display case where he could put it way up high on a shelf somewhere. The guys don't want it in the studio though because someone could use it on them. That led to the guys talking about Henry Hill trying to get the Jaeger when Howard was taking phone calls.
Gary told Howard that Jon Hein once did a thing with Rolling Stone for his JumpTheShark.com web site and they refused to let him do a piece on Yoko because she's a friend of Jann's. Howard said he used to be a friend of Jann's too so he doesn't understand why they're printing that negative article. He said that Rob is a great writer but he doesn't get the negativity. Now he's going to stop reading Rolling Stone magazine even though he was a fan for a really long time.
Howard told Gary not to bother putting Rolling Stone in his bag from now on. He continued to go off on Jann and the magazine. He brought up the Yoko thing a few times and said that they don't have the balls to print anything negative about her. He wondered what else Rob Sheffield has done in his life but no one knew. Artie said he's never heard of the guy until today. Howard said this will probably sell a few magazines for them and that's not what he's trying to do. Robin assured him that she wouldn't be reading the magazine.
Howard took a call from a guy who was complaining about the show not getting back to what it was. He wants some strippers and Stump the Booey. Howard told the guy he'll get to that, today he had The Bloodhound Gang, Henry Hill and the crew from Shade45 today. He'll get to that other stuff eventually.
Another caller told Howard that those assholes from Rolling Stone are chicken shit pieces of shit. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Double A was pitching the show even more but it wasn't helping. Howard had Melrose Larry Green and Jeff the Drunk on the phone to test out this show idea. Melrose took over and interviewed Double A. Fred played some snoring sounds and Howard said he would have tuned over to another channel by now. Double A said he's got to let the fans call in because that's what the show would be like. High Pitch Eric was on the phone so Howard wanted to bring him in on it but the system was kind of screwed up. He eventually got him on though. Melrose was asking Eric what his problem is with him. The two of them went at each other for a few seconds and Howard said that would have been good.
Howard pointed out that Double A was a sucky host and wasn't taking control of the show. Eric said that Double A can't stay focused when he does a show and he can't seem to do that. This test show was a nightmare. Howard said that the show sucks and didn't like what he was hearing. Howard said it was horrible and didn't like any of the ideas that Double A was coming up with. People are paying for this show and there's no way they're going to tune in. Melrose was all over the place throwing out ideas. High Pitch offered to co-host the show with Double A. He asked Howard to just give them a test show.
Howard said that he'll give them a chance to do a show with Double A, High Pitch and special guest Melrose Larry Green. Jeff the Drunk wasn't saying anything so he was going to be left out. Double A said that they won't let him down and they'll do an awesome job. Howard let them go and had Robin get back to her news.
Howard played a prank call that they made with that guy Mark The Bagger who came in with The Bloodhound Gang earlier in the morning. The Bagger was trying to find a vocal coach to learn how to sing. The guy couldn't understand a word The Bagger was saying so Sal and Richard had to chime in and let the guy know what they were looking for.
Very late in the show, around 11:00, Howard took a call from a woman who is very happy to have his show on the air now. Howard knows that he's catching a lot of crap for having so many people kissing his ass but the fans are in a bit of a euphoria because the show is getting back to what it used to be so many years ago. Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am
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Howard started off the show talking about how much stuff he had to get to. He's very dedicated to getting to everything though. Howard then brought up how Rev. Bob Levy was going to be doing his roast show today live in the studio. They have about 20 chairs set up in there for an audience. This will be a test show for the show that Bob wants to do. It'll be Bob, Jim Florentine, Don Jamieson, Mike Morse, Shuli and Yucko the Clown roasting Ralph. They were going to tape it last night but Ralph wasn't going to show up for it anyway so it's best to do it on the radio show instead.
Howard said he had a meeting yesterday with the In Demand people and they've decided that they're going to call it ''Howard TV'' instead of Howard Stern On Demand or In Demand or anything else. There is a deal coming down with Cablevision in the next couple of weeks to air the shows on there so the fans out on Long Island will be able to watch. Howard said that the In Demand people aren't really able to start promoting the new show until March because the SIRIUS people were freaked out and banned them from showing the new show yet.
Howard isn't even sure who can drink that Jagermeister stuff because it tastes like cough syrup. Artie said that when it's really cold it's tolerable. Robin said that Henry Hill was trying to use it medicinally claiming he had a cold. That led to Howard talking about how Henry was supposed to do a Meet the Shrink show but ended up going down and getting drunk after the show. He ended up vomiting on himself and crapping his own pants. The In Demand guys got about 45 minutes of him on tape but it's not enough. He said they could make a reality show with that guy.
Howard had an audio clip of Henry trying to eat a hot dog out on the street and he's pretty sure that he's eating the hotdog and the wrapper it was in. Henry was really wasted and could barely speak. He was mumbling words unintelligibly and refusing to put his coat on. The woman who was with him, Maria, was trying to help but he refused to listen. Henry was making very odd noises and Robin thought he sounded like something from the Exorcist. Then you can hear Henry demanding a bagel and then eating it.
Artie said it's amazing that Henry is still around and getting drunk after everything he's been through with the mob. Gary said that Henry didn't even have the money to pay for the drinks he was having at the bar he went to. Howard had a rundown from Doug Goodstein who ran down there to see him. He read Doug's note and said that Henry was laughing and cackling a lot after puking on himself. They brought him some food but Henry spilled and dropped the food he was given. They sat Henry down on the steps and ate the napkin that was around a hot dog he was given. Doug said that Henry was brought to the car that came to pick him up but he was afraid it was a cop car and refused to get in. Doug wasn't sure if Henry was able to make his flight because they refused to leave until they had the ass rape DVD that they brought.
Howard and the guys talked about that ass rape DVD and how now they don't believe that Henry had anything slipped into his drink when he was raped. Doug came in and told Howard a little more about Henry and then they talked about the Howard TV thing. Howard said they had a cool meeting and talked about having a film festival for the Howard TV (formerly Howard Stern On Demand) channel. Howard said that they were thinking of letting the fans make movies based on their scripts and stuff like that. Fans will be able to get involved but they haven't worked out all of the details yet.
Howard got back to the Henry Hill audio. Henry was still mumbling and asking for some cafe that he wanted to go to. The guys sat him down but Henry was demanding to go to the cafe and wanted some type of drink. He was laughing and cackling like a mad man. Richie Wilson was there and said that Henry only had a fleece jacket with him because he thought it was going to be warm in New York. He also said that Henry must have crapped his pants because he grabbed his ass and said ''Uh Oh'' at one point, then he sat down and went ''Oohhhhhhh.'' Richie said that if you combined Hank the Dwarf and Jeff the Drunk it wouldn't be as bad as Henry was.
Henry ate his hot dog and the napkin it was wrapped in. Then he spit some of it out and part of it ended up on Doug. Then Henry was trying to say ''Carmel Machiatta'' but no one understood what he was saying at the time. Artie and Robin recognized it as soon as he said it though. Howard said that Richard is going to take the audio from that and play them as if he were a Chinese guy.
Howard then told the caller that he got a call from the great Steve Martin the other day. Steve told him that he's doing Saturday Night Live in a couple of weeks and wanted to know if this sketch he was thinking about would bother him. He said that Steve wanted to use a boing sound effect from the show in the sketch but didn't want that to bother them. Howard told him it's probably not even their boing. Fred played some of the boing sounds that it could be to demonstrate it. Howard said that he's honored that Steve would even call about something like that. Howard also said that Steve told him he loves the new show on SIRIUS so he was going to go buy a new radio at Radio Shack... but they were all sold out. Steve Martin can't even get one.
Howard said that it's really upsetting that people can't get their radios right now and Scott Greenstein is more worried about them mentioning Jagermeister. The caller said that his friends are all having problems getting everything hooked up. He figures that the numbers must be growing a lot because they're still so backed up in that area. Howard said he's not sure exactly where the subscribers sound right now because he has to wait for SIRIUS to announce those numbers. The caller wanted Howard to keep everyone updated on those numbers.
Howard got back to the Henry Hill audio clips and had some more of his demented laughter. Henry was brought to the car that was sent to pick him up. He didn't want to get into the car, probably because he thought it was a mob car. He eventually got in the car and complained about being cold. He was mumbling more but Robin was able to figure out what he was saying. He said he had a warm heart and that he was looking for a girlfriend. Then he said something about giving her a 5 carat diamond... at least that's what Robin thinks he said. Henry was demanding his ass rape tape back and then asking for a girlfriend again. The guys eventually got rid of Henry and sent him on his way in the car.
The guys were talking about yesterday's Oprah Winfrey show and how she went off on an author who had scammed her about a book he wrote. The guy lied about some of the stuff in his book and Oprah went off on him during her whole show yesterday. Artie said the guy's book was actually very well written but it turns out that it just wasn't completely true.
Howard said there is a lot of nervousness when it comes to remaking something like this. When they were making it, there was someone breathing into the mic so Howard freaked out. He played some of the audio from the recording session where Sal blamed Artie for the breathing so Artie shot back at him by calling him a jerkoff. There was also some audio of Tim Sabean screwing up a line and Howard telling him he was terrible.
After playing the out takes Howard played the new Homo-Cop 2006 bit. He said it lasts about 5 minutes so it's almost a whole epic movie. The bit is based on the Robocop story but Howard plays a gay guy who is turned into a robotic homo cop.
Howard had everyone take a big bow after the bit. He then went into a bit of a music break and then a prank call that they made using clips from Gary's ''take me back'' tape. They called a woman and had Gary apologizing to her about something she knew nothing about.
The guys talked about how strange Baldwin was when he was going out with Christian skate boarders and stuff. Howard talked about the days when he used to watch Davey and Goliath and how much they pushed Jesus in those old shows.
The caller also mentioned Mark The Bagger who came in with The Bloodhound Gang. Howard said that he thinks the Bloodhound Gang will be doing a show on Sunday night and Mark will return next week to his radio show. He said that the guy has to be seen. He also said that one of the guys from the band pulled down Mark's pants and grabbed his penis while he was talking. Howard played a prank call that Mark made to a vocal coach. The coach didn't understand what Mark was saying so Sal and Richard had to break in and help him out. Artie said that Sal and Richard's bits are great but they always have to be in the bits together. Howard went to break after that.
Howard wondered who races in the races that Bubba participates in. Robin said she thinks they're legitimate races and he's racing with professionals. Lisa told Howard they'll also be talking about Shade 45 and then about a bread truck driver who almost got a ticket for playing Howard's show in his truck.
Howard heard that Lisa was so freaked out by Henry Hill that she almost started crying yesterday. She said she felt really bad for him. She did an interview with him after the show yesterday and he told her that he was trying to clean himself up... Then he went out and got plastered. Lisa told Howard that she interviewed him and he told her that he wanted to cum on her face. She felt weird saying that because she's a news person.
Howard said that is somewhat of a compliment. He said that he saw a thread on SternFanNetwork.com where people were talking about who would like to bang Lisa. Howard said they were talking about that on the Superfan Roundtable last night too. He said he's too thin skinned to read that stuff over at SternFanNetwork.com anymore. Lisa said she's the same way right now too.
Howard had some audio clips from Oprah Winfrey's show where she talked to an author about how he duped her and her audience by lying in his book (A Million Little Pieces) about some things that went on when he was in rehab. Howard played one clip where Oprah apologized for a call she made to Larry King defending this guy. Howard said he really hates that Oprah is like a god to some women in this country. Robin said she remembers Gary telling a story about how Gary wanted to watch a movie one time and his wife refused to watch it... until Oprah said it was a movie that everyone had to watch. Then she told Gary to go out and buy the movie.
Howard played another clip from Oprah's show where she confronted this author about the way he presented himself on the show. Of course her audience is on her side. In another clip Oprah asked the guy if he was being truthful about having root canals done without novacaine. The author, James Frey, tried to explain himself and said he couldn't remember if he had used novacaine or not.
Howard took a call from a guy who talked about some of the stuff that's been going on with the show lately. He told Howard that Yucko is great on the show. That led to Howard saying that Ralph was there to get roasted and Yucko will be one of those people. Ralph was there in the studio so he was saying that there aren't any comedians there to roast him so he's not sure it'll be that good. The guys who are on the list aren't ''real comedians'' to him. He said he doesn't see their names up at Caroline's Comedy Club.
Howard got back to the Oprah stuff and spent a couple more minutes discussing that. He said that the author should have just said it was a novel and he would have been fine. He didn't have to say that it was true because it was written well. Now the guy has written a second book and he probably won't sell many books. Howard played some more audio from the show where the guy was defending himself with Oprah.
Howard said that he has an article about a guy who claims he had a gay affair with Clay Aiken. He wondered if Oprah would confront him about something like that if it was really true because he's gone on her show claiming that he's straight. Artie said that he's had to embellish stories himself but he has to do that to protect people. He said he had to change part of the pig on coke story he told back on the other radio station. He said he was just protecting someone though.
Howard said that it was funny how Oprah straightened out her hair for her show. He said that the hair looks really fake when she straightens it out like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him about what Bubba the Love Sponge actually does when he races those cars. Howard said the pictures are now up on his web site for those who want to see them. The caller said he saw Bubba crash one time and he ended up in the trees.
Another caller told Howard that he feels duped about the book he wrote after hearing his mother say that living in Roosevelt wasn't that bad. That got the guys back on the subject of Oprah's show but Howard was zoning out when Fred started to go into a whole rap about the author. Fred had actually gone to dinner with the guy and knew a lot about the story. Howard cut him off though and moved on to some other things.
A phone caller told Howard that he was talking to a friend about faggots and his friend said that every guy is gay because they all touch their own penis to jerk off. Howard said that's not the case and it's only gay if you're thinking about another dude. He said if you're doing it to a woman, you're not gay. Howard wanted to go right into the Joe Rogan comedy bit he's played in the past but he wasn't able to find it. Fred had it in his system so Howard cued him to play it... There was some confusion there so Fred didn't play it, he thought they were going to break. Howard flipped out on him a little bit and had him just go to commercial instead.
Bob said that Benjy signed up for the roast a couple of days ago but backed out of it. Benjy said he never did such a thing. That led to Bob roasting Benjy a little bit. He was going off him and warming up the crowd. He even joked about Robin doing an N-word joke that didn't go over so well. He came right back and said that the only thing that her glass booth is missing is a ''Don't feed the animals'' sign.
Howard didn't like the sound quality that was coming through on the mics so he asked Scott the Engineer what was up with that. Scott had no idea so Bob continued roasting Robin a little bit. Howard had to ask Ralph to remove his sunglasses because the Howard TV crew were asking for that. Ralph refused to remove them.
Bob roasted Howard a little bit and goofed on his nose and penis size. He also said that Beth is so much younger than Howard that after she blows him he has to burp her. He then went after Gary saying that the only reason the black guy he called the N-word didn't punch his teeth out is because it would have taken him 3 days. He goofed on Sal a little bit and then hit Artie with a joke about how his movie will be watched less, his movie or Rosie O'Donnell porn. He eventually made his way to Ralph Cirella.
Bob cracked some jokes about Ralph's gay stuff and about being jobless. He was hitting him like crazy with some great one liners. Howard interrupted him for a minute and then Bob got back to roasting Ralph and making more and more jokes about him being gay. Even Ralph was laughing at a lot of the jokes. He had one about all of the bumps on Ralph's face actually reading ''FAGGOT'' in brail. He also said that he can't believe that Howard is able to get rid of that fat under his chin but he can't get rid of Ralph. Howard wanted Bob to take it home and wrap up his roast.
Ralph was making some snoring sounds because he thought that Bob should have edited himself a little bit. Bob told a few more jokes but he seemed to be losing the crowd according to Howard. He brought them back a few seconds later but Howard had to go to break.
Jim moved on to Ralph and roasted him. He was pretty brutal. He goofed on him for being a homosexual and about how he never finishes stuff. He said he would never want a blow job from Ralph because he's infamous for not finishing things. Jim kept his roast pretty short and did a great job with his roast.
Bob Levy brought up Comedian Mike Morse (Mike-Morse.com) who is helping him write a sitcom... which Bob said will probably go nowhere. Mike roasted Bob a little bit about his drinking. He had a few good one liners about him and then hit Jim with a few. After hearing a few of the lines Howard said that maybe Levy's sitcom will be good. Mike then moved on to Ralph and called him a dingleberry on the ass of success. Ralph was giving all of them a hard time as they were roasting him. Mike goofed on the berry he has on his face and things like that. Ralph was coming back at him saying that he doesn't even know who he is and doesn't have to take that kind of crap from these guys. Mike finished up with one joke about how Ralph gets fucked up the ass so often that his shit has to make an appointment to come out. Howard had to take another break after that.
Shuli hit Yucko with a few lines and said that he's the only guy who looks less creepy with the costume on. He then moved on to Jim Florentine and roasted him about his Meet the Creeps stuff and how it went straight to Comedy Central... dot com. He moved on to Bob Levy next and said he'd be doing a show at a firehouse in Hoboken next week. Then he moved on to Ralph.
Shuli roasted Ralph and said that he's banged so many strippers that he's been banned from Chipendales. He had some other jokes about being gay and dressing Howard. He kept it short and even Ralph thought he was good. The audience was acting up a bit so Howard went to them a little bit. Angry Black was looking for some of that Jagermeister that was sitting in there. Howard told him to hold on and they'd get to that later.
Bob brought up the next guy, Don Jamieson. Ralph said that it was another guy that they don't know. Don's mic wasn't working very well. They had to ask Don not to move around at all. Don went right into the Ralph roast. He said that when Ralph walks into a pet store, all of the gerbils run and hide. He had a bunch of other jokes about the gay stuff. Ralph was being a pain in the ass not letting him roast him because he didn't know who the hell he was. Don said he knows that Ralph isn't gay... because Tom Cruise and High Pitch Eric told him so. He then roasted High Pitch Eric since he was in the audience.
Don cracked one joke about Eric's penis so Eric whipped it out. He wanted to prove that he had a big one but Ralph said he had balls the size of baseballs but the penis was about an inch. Don got back to his roast and had Howard laughing quite a bit. He wrapped up a short time later. Ralph wasn't too thrilled with the performances so far though.
Bob Levy tried to introduce the next guy but Howard had everyone giving all of the comedian's a hand for what they had done so far. Bob then introduced Yucko the Clown. Yucko got up and told Bob that he sucked. He goofed on Bob a little bit and then moved right on to Ralph. He said that if Ralph was a soup, he'd be ''Cream of Faggot.'' Yucko had his horn honking after each joke. He also said that if Ralph is into fitness ''so how about fitness cock into your mouth.'' Yucko was also going off on Artie a little bit and had everyone cracking up with those jokes. He kept his act pretty short and asked Yucko about how he gets his boyfriend's shit out of the slit of his penis. Howard thought that line was pretty funny.
Bob asked Ralph to get up and say a few words but he wasn't interested in saying anything. Ralph said it was fun being there and he's not a comedian... and neither were those guys. Artie wrote some lines for him but he didn't want to write them. Ralph said he didn't want to read them and asked Artie to do it. Gary said that if Ralph was listening to this, he'd call in and tell himself to cooperate. Ralph said he's not into doing that stuff.
Jim Florentine told Ralph that if the lines don't work, he can blame it on Artie. Everyone thought he was ruining the roast. The audience was going off on him and telling him to just do it. Robin couldn't believe he was doing that to them. Howard said he loves the roast show. Zolar asked if he could read Ralph's lines. No one thought it would work... and they were right. Zolar and Angry Black tried to read the lines but they weren't working. High Pitch tried to read one too but he wasn't even able to deliver it very well.
Howard asked Artie to read one of the lines to deliver it the right way. Artie didn't want to do it either. Artie looked at the list and said that Ralph fucked him over there. He wrote it as if Ralph would read them. He read a couple of jokes about Bob that were really funny. He also had some about Yucko that everyone loved. Bob said that Ralph had gold there and should have read the jokes.
Ralph thought that Artie was delivering the jokes better than he could have. Artie read a few more of his lines and went off on Shuli and more on Bob. Artie had a lot of fun goofing around with them and thought that Ralph could have gotten some laughs.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this whole roast was great. Artie read a few more lines and started to get into it because he had written them all. Another caller told Howard how great this roast was and how she was going to listen to it again tonight on the replay. Howard told Ralph that he could have killed with those jokes but he blew it.
Howard thanked all of the comedians for coming in and doing a great job. He also thanked the audience for coming in. It was their first audience in the studio so far. Zolar was screaming at the top of his lungs not letting anyone else get any attention. Howard said there were a couple of women there too but Zolar wasn't allowing them to get any attention. Howard said hello to a couple of the women in the crowd. First up was Casey and then Tara, her sister. One of the girls was a stand-up comedian so Howard asked her if she had any jokes about him. She started to call him some names but Ralph told her to shut up and that she wasn't funny. Things were getting ugly so Howard cut them off.
Captain Janks called in and congratulated Bob for the great show. He also suggested a 5 minute a day roast of Ralph. Another caller thought that the roast was very funny but Ralph didn't deliver when expected. Another guy said that Ralph proved that he's the bitch that everyone expected. Howard also pointed out that Ralph was an excellent person to roast. Howard asked who was next on the Roast list. Bob said he was thinking about Robin but they can go with someone else if they want. Howard said he'll let him pick and won't put him on the spot.
Howard said that maybe they should let Ralph pick the next person to roast. Ralph said he might go with Howard. Go from the lowest to the highest. Howard took another phone call and then asked the comics if they had any big gigs to plug. Each of the guys got in their plugs. Artie even got one in for BeerLeagueTheMovie.com. Mike Morse said he'd be up at The Treehouse in Connecticut this weekend. Don is at DonJamieson.com, Jim mentioned he's doing some shows at the Comedy Cabaret in Northeast Philly this weekend. Bob got in a plug for revboblevy.net, Yucko's stuff is available at DamnShow.com. Howard took a couple more calls, including one from Vinnie Favale who thinks Ralph blew it this morning, and then went to break.
Howard brought up the Rolling Stone magazine article about how he's basically a boring old fuck. He said that he finds it interesting that the author will never write anything negative about people who are friends of Jann Wenner who runs the magazine. Howard thought that he was a friend of Jann's but now the guy has let the negative article go out. He said he will never allow a negative article about Yoko Ono. Some people sent Howard some notes about Jann and how he helps his friends out by giving them great ratings for albums that suck. They've also retracted articles that they've written after friends have complained. One writer said that Rolling Stone continues to push ads for tobacco companies even after printing obituary after obituary about rock stars who have died of lung cancer.
Ralph added that Rolling Stone isn't relevant these days and no one cares about the magazine now. Howard said that he's been reading the magazine for years and he's still a fan at 52 but they can't bring in any younger audience. Howard said he was actually thinking about hiring the author of the negative article about him. He was on the fence about it because the past few articles he wrote were kind of boring.
Howard said that he's now subscribing to Esquire magazine because they cover rock and roll better than Rolling Stone does. Gary said that Blender magazine is also better than Rolling Stone. Howard and the guys were also talking about what an ass kisser of The Rolling Stones Jann Wenner seems to be. They talked about how The Rolling Stones are getting $450 per ticket for their concerts. The guys can't believe that.
Gary said that he had a negative piece that aired down in Philly recently. He was trying to give the show a fair and balanced view of the show. This roundtable show that aired is filled with people who detest Howard Stern. Howard wasn't sure why he was playing it because he doesn't have to be fair and balanced. As soon as the moderator brought Howard up people started going off on him.
The people on the panel were upset that Howard was getting paid $500 million while coal miners are getting blown up because they can't get the equipment they deserve. Howard said that's an absurd statement. He gets an audience and makes the company he works for a lot of money. One of the people on the roundtable said that Howard was doing nothing but pornography. Howard also said that's not true either. One woman said that Howard is sexist, racist and uses profanity for no reason while people like Lenny Bruce and George Carlin used it for a reason. Howard said it's people like that who were sending Lenny Bruce to jail, who is she kidding?
Howard said that the funniest thing about Henry Hill was that Lisa G from Howard 100 News thought that Henry told her he wanted to cum on her face when he was actually saying ''I want a Caramel Macchiato please.'' Robin said that she doesn't believe she's ever been as drunk as Henry was. Artie said he has. Howard played another clip where Henry was complaining about being cold and asking for a girlfriend.
Ben told Howard that the guy on that roundtable tape had no reason to compare mine safety to Howard. They were equating the salary of a miner to the money Howard is making. It's a ridiculous comparison. Howard changed the subject and asked his father if he likes doing the Meet the Sterns show on SIRIUS. Howard told him that he doesn't want them to do it if they don't really enjoy it. Ben said that they do get off the show and are on a high but they're just amateurs when it comes to doing a radio show. Ben said that he would rather not do a weekly show but perhaps once a month. Howard said that will work and he would love that. He said they can always stop doing it when they want.
Ben said that while you're doing the show you feel you're doing a good job because everyone treats them so well. He talked about how great they're treated up there when they come up. Robin said she thinks that they do like it but they don't want the pressure of doing a weekly show. Howard asked to talk to his mother but Ben wasn't sure where she was. She came over a short time later.
Howard asked his mother Ray if she would enjoy doing the show once a month and if she likes doing the show. Ray said that she's doing it for Howard. She doesn't do it for herself. Howard said if that's the case then he doesn't want her to do it. Ray said that she does have some pressure on her when she does the show but she will do it if he wants her to. She wasn't giving him a straight answer. Artie thinks that they both don't like doing the show but Robin thinks that Ray doesn't like it but Ben does.
Howard said he doesn't want to ask them to do the show if they really don't enjoy it. Robin said it sounds like his father enjoys it but his mother doesn't. Gary heard that Ray doesn't like going into the city so maybe they could put them up in a hotel. Ray said she's not looking for that and they have been treated very well so far. Howard thought about replacing his mother with another woman, like a stripper from Scores. Howard told his mother that he loves her on the show and that she does a great job. She found that hard to believe.
Ray asked Howard what his problem is with Oprah. That got Howard talking about how Oprah is such a big influence in women's lives that they pay more attention to her than they do to their own husbands. Ray said that's out of wack and an exaggeration. Howard and the guys argued with Ray about the way Oprah changes women and makes them think that they should act a certain way. She's a know-it-all according to Robin and she doesn't appreciate the way she talks a good game but doesn't follow her own rules. She gives advice on kids and marriage but she doesn't have kids and she's not married.
Robin told Ray that Oprah lives in a building where only one pet is allowed yet she has 3 pets in her apartment and no one says a thing to her. That's not right. Ray didn't think that was such a big deal. She told Howard that she loves the new studio that he's working in and he's very lucky to be there. Howard said he'll talk to her some more about doing the Meet the Sterns thing some other time. He let her go right after that.
Jon Hein came in to talk about what they'll be covering on The Wrap Up Show after Howard's show. Jon said that they'll have the comedians from the roast in to talk about their experience. Gary said that Ralph isn't invited to the Wrap Up Show because they've heard enough from him today. Artie said that he had some roast material for Jon Hein... He told a couple of one liners where he called Jon a nerd and told him that his Wrap Up show jumped the shark 10 days ago... and if he looks underneath him right now, he'll see a shark.
Jon said they'll also ask the In Demand crew how they get to find Henry Hill and cover it. Howard said he knows how that happens, he had to yell at people to cover it while they were in a meeting yesterday. Mike Gange said that as soon as they heard that Henry was downstairs drunk, they ran down there to get him on camera. Howard said that they should be covering the guy the whole time he's there because the fans want to see the behind the scenes stuff.
Howard said that they better get the camera on Danny Bonaduce all next week because he's a train wreck. Artie was doing his impression of Danny and talking about how great the VH1 ''Breaking Bonaduce'' show has been. He just caught up on that show recently and he loves some of the stuff that went on during that show. Gary told Howard that they have a whole page of Danny audio clips that he can play. He played the clip that Artie always imitates.
Then he played one clip where he freaks out over a picture that was taken of his wife getting her back rubbed. Danny got pissed when he found that out. Howard played a clip where Danny confronts one of the band members who was there when the guitar player stood over his wife in the picture. The guy had to apologize for not being his boy and helping him out.
Howard had George Flowers doing his impression of Danny but it sounded more like an angry pirate instead of Danny Bonaduce. Ralph told him to stick to doing the news. Howard had Robin get to her news but she wasn't quite ready since they don't get many breaks. That led to Ralph complaining that he hasn't had the chance to take a bathroom break. Howard told him that no one is stopping him from doing that and Artie started to laugh his ass off. He thought that line was the funniest of the show today because no one cares if Ralph takes a break or not.
Bong Hit Eric called in during the news and said that the roast from earlier was great. He said that everything about it gives you the full effect of what a roast can be like. Another caller suggested that they roast Danny Bonaduce next week. Howard said they might have to put him in a straight jacket and then roast him. Howard said they could mess with his wife in front of him and really drive him nuts. Robin finished up her news and Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am.