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Howard was complaining about his microphone and not being able to have enough compression on his voice. He said he's been thinking about that over the past couple of months and he'd like to have more ''pop'' in his voice. He said he doesn't really care after that.
Howard mentioned that David Spade was coming in this morning. Robin said that she saw a poster for a movie he did and he had some kind of hair appliance on. Howard said he does that sometimes like in ''Joe Dirt'' he wore a mullet piece. Robin said that he looks like Peter Tork from The Monkees in this one poster.
Howard said that the security of the building were asked not to let Elliot back in the building so they had to ban him. The building they work in has some big companies working in there and one of the big wigs from one of the companies got stuck with Elliot in the elevator the last time he was on. Howard and Artie were talking about some of the looks they get from people in the building when they come and go.
Howard said he had the worst headache on Friday. Then he had to go to the dentist on Friday and had to make his way through the St. Patrick's day parade crowd. He said that every young guy out there wanted to take their picture with him as he walked through. They were asking him if he was too good to take one with them so he had to tell them that he looked like shit and they wouldn't remember meeting him anyway.
Howard got back to the Scores story and said that he's tired of his penis running his life. That's the reason he was there to begin with. He told the guys that he met this blonde chick there who wanted to go on a date with him. He said if he wasn't dating Beth, he would have gone out with this chick. She was really good looking and they have a lot of good looking girls working there.
Howard said that he smelled horrible from Scores. He said that Beth was washing his black parachute pants that he wears there and she told him how bad they smelled. Howard used to wear loose pants there so his junk could float freely in them. He said he felt kind of like Hef wearing pajamas when he'd wear them.
Robin wondered if it's like cheating when you wear really thin pants like that. Howard said it could be because you're looking for the girls to rub up against you so you can get off. That led to Robin talking about Sting and how he likes to go to strip clubs but he insists on the girls wearing clothes when they give him a lap dance. Howard thought that sounded pretty ridiculous.
Howard said he had no idea that he had gone through that much vodka over there but Ronnie filled him in. Ronnie came in and said that he heard from someone that there were two bottles of Vodka on the floor and the funny money he had was all over the floor as if someone had thrown it up in the air. Ronnie said that Howard did a couple of lemon drop shots that night but Howard didn't remember that.
Howard said he was just trying to get the girls a little drunk just to try and loosen them up a little bit. It went a little too far because the girls passed out from drinking so much. Howard said his cold symptoms all went away when he went to Scores. Any illness he has goes away when he goes to Scores.
Howard said that Scores is kind of like that show ''Lost'' because you don't know where you are or what time it is because they don't have any clocks in there.
Howard said a prayer asking for Leslie's life to be come miserable. He asked that he loses the $57 million he took for himself on gambling or something like that. He pointed out that Leslie's wife sure found a lot of work after hooking up with him. He said that he hopes that Leslie ends up in a situation where someone like Lexington Steele is ramming him up the ass with a giant cock.
There was an article in the paper yesterday about the CBS lawsuit where they talked about how a Variety magazine article was killed by CBS when they found out about it. Howard said that they (CBS) are a big advertiser in there and he heard that they killed the story. Howard said that both CBS and Variety are denying the story. He said that he knows what happened because he was interviewed for the article and that article never got printed. He said that he's not lying and Richard Huff should do a little more digging there.
Howard said he was watching 60 Minutes last night and they were doing a report about someone who had their work edited but they don't realize that their own network is doing the same thing to Variety magazine. Robin said that in the article CBS was saying that they did ask Howard to stop talking about this lawsuit. She also said that they mentioned that they had sent Howard letters about how they wanted him to stop talking about SIRIUS on the air. He said that was a long explanation and he said that they sent him a couple of letters trying to set him up but he and his lawyers discussed it and responded to them. They had a feeling that they were going to set him up and it just shows how ridiculous the lawsuit is. He said it's bullshit. He also apologized for cursing so much this morning.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him if he's going to put out any bumper stickers. Howard said he's never been a bumper sticker guy. He said they might want to do something now that they're on satellite but he's not sure. He doesn't know what to do. Bumper stickers are kind of gay in his opinion. Robin said that people love that stuff and Ronnie has filled the rear window of his Escalade with bumper stickers.
Howard said it's like asking his audience to advertise for him but then he looked at his shirt and realized he's got Puma written on the front of it. He went on to say that there are a bunch of articles in the paper about his show in the paper and magazines so he's still getting publicity. He's hardly gone away like he expected he would. He figures he won't be going away anytime over the next 5 years.
Gary came in and said that he thinks they should bring out some bumper stickers because he knows that the fans love them. Howard said he doesn't think they love them, they just wants something for free. He also said that people should never put something on their car that would cause controversy. There's a lot of road rage out there and people can get kind of nuts. He said that he knew a woman who had a license plate that had her name on it. He had to hit the delay on himself because he didn't want to give out the name of the woman. He said that it's asking for someone to come after you and that's what the bumper stickers could do.
Howard said that it's not a good idea to make yourself stick out while you're on the road. There's no reason to draw attention to yourself with bumper stickers or vanity plates. Gary said that people are looking to be a part of a club and that's what the bumper stickers would do for them.
Artie said that he knew a comedian who had a joke about the most offensive bumper sticker. He said that he knew one that would offend everyone in the world and it would read ''I Love nig*ers.'' It would effect everyone, white or black. Gary said they should get one like that printed up and put it on a car with a camera on it to see how long it takes for people to destroy it.
Howard said that Ronnie's truck has a skull with wings coming out the side of it, a SIRIUS sticker, some NASCAR stickers, a E8 sticker that's for Dale Earnhardt sticker. There was another one for Tony Stewart. Howard said he ruined the truck by sticking them on there. Ronnie said that he can just peel them all off if he needs to.
Howard said that Ronnie really has no taste and when he orders his next limo, he's going to design it himself. He said that the heat in the vehicle sounds like a jet taking off. He said he doesn't know who designed the heating system but it's so noisy and he had to keep turning it on and off to regulate the temperature. The car is great, it's just the heating system that he doesn't like.
Howard said that Ronnie really ruined the look of his Escalade EXT with all of the stickers. Ronnie said that its' a pick up truck and that's the way a pick up is supposed to look. That led to Howard talking about Ronnie showing off his tattoos at Scores last week. Ronnie said that the girls ask to see them so he showed them. He's got a scorpion, his dog and a shark on him. Howard said he's got other things but Ronnie said that he didn't have all of the stuff that Howard was mentioning.
Ronnie asked Howard how he got the picture of his truck. Howard said that someone just handed it to him. Ronnie figures that it was Goodstein who took the picture. Howard doesn't like the SIRIUS sticker and said that they really have to work on that. Ronnie said he kind of likes that dog on the sticker. He said that SIRIUS used to sponsor a NASCAR and some of the guys actually named the dog ''Mongo.'' Howard thought the name was kind of cool.
Howard took a call from a listener who said that Ronnie is probably the only Jew in the country who like NASCAR. He was also asking Howard about getting his own show on Howard 100 but Howard turned down that request. Robin mentioned that the local news anchor Bill Butell had passed away recently. Howard said that didn't effect him that much. He said that he wasn't that effected by Don Knotts passing away either. He said the one guy that did effect him was Paul Winchell. He actually carries a picture of the guy in his man purse. He even knows the date the guy died, June 27, 2005. Howard said that Bob Denver's death didn't even bother him that much. He had to go to break a short time later.
Lisa G came in with a quick Howard 100 News preview. She said that they're going to be talking about Joey Boots who has been in rehab for a couple of weeks now. They're also going to be checking out the large library of Baba Booey theme songs. Robin said she heard the new one at the start of the show. Howard didn't know what show it was from but Artie knew that it was The Waltons. Lisa said they'll also be covering some ''silly lawsuits'' that have gotten thrown out or were just plain crazy.
Elliot was a little more calm today than he was the last time he was on the show. Howard asked him why he's so angry with him. Elliot said he was trying to get a point across the last time he was on the show. He went on to talk about this guy Joe Corson who had disrespected his father at the Stage Deli many years ago. He was telling stories about his uncle and father selling guns and knives. Then he got back to this guy Joe Corson who he claims he confronted after he had disrespected his father. He said that he ended up hitting the guy and knocked him to the ground. He was going to get arrested so he had to come up with $7,500 to pay the guy off so he wouldn't file charges against him.
Elliot thanked Howard for letting him get the story out and said that he was happy that Robin was keeping her mouth shut today. He also explained why he punched the wall the last time he was on the show. He said that he was upset with Howard that day and had punched the wall and wished that Howard's head was behind it.
Howard said he thought Elliot was going to come in last time and just talk about the car accident he was involved in. He said that it was an unfortunate accident but he can't go into the details right now. He wanted to tell Howard that stuff the last time he was on the show.
As Elliot was talking to Howard a guy approached him and demanded some money that he was owed. Elliot said that the guy was part of his DVD ''Violet Dehumanizes Elegant Elliot Offen.'' The guy eventually got on mic and started to talk to Howard but Elliot interrupted him. He said that he asked this guy not to come around him and ruin his show. Howard wanted to hear what the guy had to say though so he asked the guy how much he was owed. The guy said that he wrote, edited and illustrated the movie and he is owed $50,000.
Howard asked if this guy is afraid of Elliot. The guy said he's spent a lot of time with the guy and he's not afraid of him. Elliot said that this guy is a bunko artist and he's trying to take him for $50,000. Howard said that all of Elliot's relationships seem to go sour. Elliot said that he did offer this guy some money for doing the 12 minutes he did in the DVD but it wasn't $50,000. He claims that the guy came in toward the end of the making of the DVD and he's not owed $50,000, it's more like 1/10th of what he's asking for.
Howard said that there's a whole thing going on down there with Elliot and this guy. Gary asked how much money that video could have made. Elliot ended up going off on Robin saying that he'd like to slap her f'ing eyes out. As he was yelling all of that stuff, the cops showed up. He said he didn't want to go back to jail again though. He was yelling the whole time he was on so Howard asked him why he doesn't speak normally. Elliot said that's his crescendo.
Elliot got in a plug for his DVD and said that it's available at a store located at 693 8th Ave in New York City. He was also yelling about how he'd like to slap that guy's face if the cops weren't there watching. Howard spoke to the guy and he was telling Howard that his family has known Elliot's family for about 60 years. Elliot said that's probably the only thing saving his life at this point. Elliot had to correct Howard's pronunciation of his name at least two times during the discussion. He also said that he will give them an update on that car accident he was involved with when he can. He got going a short time later.
Robin said that she got bored with him a couple of times during the interview. Howard said he's very entertained by that guy but he knows that a lot of people don't like when he's on.
Howard thinks that the replay of the show is a great idea and he's even been tuning in to listen to himself even after thinking that it wasn't going to work. He said he's also been listening to the replays of Bubba the Love Sponge Show and he's doing some very funny stuff on his show.
The caller said that he's been spending a lot of time listening to his two channels. Howard said he's got a lot of stuff coming up on Howard 101 so there will be even more stuff to listen to.
Howard played the message that Eric left for Will where he called him a piece of shit for being the screener for his show. He claims that someone turned him in. Howard said that Will was nowhere near the phones that night and he had nothing to do with screening the calls. Eric was very pissed at Will for something he didn't have anything to do with. He called him a ''heartless shit head.'' Howard said that as far as he knows, Will had nothing to do with screening those calls.
Howard said that Eric is far from done with the show because he's still calling them and writing a blog about it. Howard read some of the blog but he said it was mind numbing to him. Eric complained about the way he's treated on the show and how horrible everyone is to him.
Howard said that Sal the Stockbroker was caught masturbating in his office last week by this guy Thom who is one of the engineers there. Howard told Sal that he's going to get fired if he keeps that stuff up. He wanted to keep the offices there very clean and that kind of stuff is just not acceptable. Sal said that his office door was locked and Thom unlocked it and came in and fixed something in there.
Sal said that he was still jerking off there at K-Rock even after Tom told him not to do it again. He explained to Howard how everyone had left last week when he was there on Friday. He said he was pulling some porn clips and ended up running off a batch since he was watching the porn.
Howard wanted to hear what Sal was watching when he was jerking off. He played the clip where a 60 year old woman was getting off and screaming like she was dying. Howard told Sal that if he doesn't stop that behavior, he's really going to be fired. He's not joking around about that stuff either. Sal said that it will never happen again.
Sal said that he had his headphones on when Thom unlocked the door last week. He said he had his pants down and just turned his head as he saw the door lock turning to the right. Sal said that Thom was with another engineer at the time and it was very embarrassing. Howard knows that Sal is going to blow it and he's going to end up in ''KC-land.''
Richard came in and told Howard that Sal called him after he did it and asked if he was okay with it. Richard said that he's fine with it as long as he keeps it on his side. Howard told Sal that there's something psychologically wrong with him and he's got to stop that behavior. Sal swears that he will stop, this incident has shown him how wrong it is.
Gary told Howard that they had Thom on the phone but he didn't know what they were talking about. Howard asked Thom if he knew what was going on last week. Thom said that he had no idea that Sal was masturbating so this was news to him. Sal said he told the story for no reason then. Thom had no idea what he was doing. Howard told Sal to get out of there because he's disgusted with him.
Gary asked Sal why he didn't do it in the private bathroom they have there. Sal said that's because there's no video screen in there. He told Howard he doesn't want him looking at him like he's a creep and it was just a one time incident. Howard told him that if he's caught again, he's done, gone, fired. Sal promised him that he's not going to do it again.
Howard said that they're going to have a reporter from Entertainment Weekly sitting in to observe the show for a while. He had to take a break before they brought him in though.
David Spade was going to come in but Howard quickly introduced and spoke to Josh Wolke from Entertainment Weekly. He was sitting in to observe the show for a while. Howard asked David if he's ever done the cover of Entertainment Weekly. David said he's actually turned it down a couple of times. Spade brought in his own headphones and Howard was wondering why that was. Spade said it was just so he'd have something to talk to him about.
Howard talked about the best cover he ever did for Entertainment Weekly. They had him on the cover holding a baby and the title read ''Who's Afraid of Howard Stern?'' Howard said he remembers doing the shoot and wondered what parent would put their baby in the disgusting Howard Stern's arms. He said there were probably a bunch of parents who were disgusted by the thought and turned down the offer.
Robin asked what was up with Spade's facial hair. Howard said he's probably trying to get girls who are out of their teens. Spade said he's not sure why he's growing that stuff but he hasn't been working on his show lately so he's been free to experiment. Robin said that his face looks dirty with the hair on it. Howard thinks he's doing that to cover up the fact that he's losing the hair on his head.
Howard said that David is friends with both Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn. Howard asked Dave if he has a cell phone number for Brad where he could actually get in touch with him. Dave said he has a number that would get him his assistant, but not an inside number. Howard asked him if he thinks that he's an A-list celebrity. Dave doesn't seem to think he is but he does have some A-list friends. Howard asked if he's an A-list celebrity himself. David thinks that he is because he doesn't do a lot of stuff. Howard also asked Dave how a B-list celebrity like Spade hooks up with an A-Lister like Pitt.
David told Howard that they have the same management so they've met at various things. He also met Pitt on Saturday Night Live when he was still working there. Spade said that he met him before he was really famous and he's been cool with him over the years. He said he's even had dinner with Brad and Gwineth Paltrow. Howard said he couldn't think of a more boring couple than Brad Pitt and Gwineth Paltrow. David said that just wait 'till you add him into the mix.
David said he even went to Brad and Jennifer Aniston's wedding. He said he's been friendly with them for a long time. Howard said he gets the feeling that David likes to have celebrity friends and he puts a lot of energy into that. Artie said he was hanging out with Spade for a while and they were having dinner with Al Pacino once in a while.
Howard asked David if he has met Angelina Jolie since she's now with Brad. Spade said that he has met her and she's very nice. He said that he got to see her working out at his gym one time. He said she actually told him she loved his movie ''Joe Dirt'' when he walked in that day.
Howard asked David what he said on his Comedy Central show ''The Showbiz Show'' that upset Vince Vaughn. David said he made some jokes about him constantly looking sleepy and he got upset about that. Spade said that he hasn't seen him in a while but he hasn't really heard from him that he's upset with him. He said that Jennifer Aniston gets goofed on a bit on his show as well so that's kind of tough because he sees her more often.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Spade is nothing anymore since Chris Farley passed away. Howard told him that Spade has his own TV show and a movie called ''The Benchwarmers'' coming out on April 7th. Artie said that he was supposed to be in the movie but they ended up going with the Napoleon Dynamite guy (Jon Heder).
Spade said it probably would have been a problem for Artie to do the movie because Howard would get so upset. Howard said he didn't get upset with Artie when he did the ''Beer League'' movie last year but there were some issues between him and Artie.
Howard changed subjects and asked Spade what's going on with him. Spade was all over the place so Howard wanted to calm him down and ask him some questions. Spade mentioned that he had gone to a NASCAR race with the Napoleon Dynamite kid. Gary said that David has been doing the private jet thing too so he's flying all over the place. Spade said that it's the movie company that's flying him around. He said that he's been trying to schedule around the new season of his show and around the movie so he got the private jet hooked up.
Howard asked Spade why he doesn't have any chick flying around with him on the private jet. David said that there's nothing really fun to do with the chick when he's flying around doing shows like Howard's. Howard said that it would be the perfect way to show a girl how powerful he is. Spade said that he can only bring so many people with him and he's already got people with him.
Howard said that he's seen the preview for this new movie and they have this kid from Napoleon Dynamite acting more like Napoleon Dynamite instead of trying to be someone else. Spade said that they do have him acting a bit more like that in this movie. He said that Rob Schneider is also in the movie.
David said that things are going pretty good for him and he just saw Vince Vaughn at a table read a few weeks ago. Gary came in a short time later and said that he was checking out the notes about David on IMDB.com and saw that David has a tattoo of Calvin and Hobbes on him that Sean Penn actually gave him. Howard said he really didn't care about that and Gary was bringing him to a place he didn't want to go. Spade told the story anyway and said that Sean Penn was learning how to give tattoos at the time so he asked Sean to do it at a shop up in Albany. Howard didn't realize that Spade was doing this for a bit he was doing on Saturday Night Live at the time. He said it made more sense to him after he heard that. Spade said that the tattoo is really gay and it was a mess when he had it done.
Howard quickly moved on and asked David if he's been following the Christy Swanson story since he used to date her. Spade said he has been following that and it's pretty funny. Howard said that she was on Skating with the Stars and started to date the guy she was skating with. She fell in love with the guy and stole him away from his wife. Howard said it's a good thing that he wasn't her boyfriend at the time she hooked up with that guy. David said that when he was dating her a ''drama grenade'' would go off around her about every week. It was too much for him and he had to get away from that.
Howard asked David if he smokes weed. He remembered going out with Dave one time and smoking weed at a party one night but he was pretty sure that David didn't smoke. He said that was the night that he got really wasted and had to be carried back to his hotel. Howard remembered another night that he introduced David to Christina Aguilera. He struck out that night and wasn't able to hook up with her. David told Howard that he just saw her again recently. He went to a party and saw Ellen Degeneres at the party. He went up to her and said hello. Then he saw Christina Aguilera and Ellen told him that he should go out with her. Ellen walked over to Christina and asked her if she would go out with him. Christina said she would but she's married so she can't.
Howard gave David a plug for his movie ''The Benchwarmers'' which opens on April 7th. Spade said that the movie is funny. He saw it with an audience and they were laughing. He thinks the movie will do fine. Gary told Howard that he has to plug the Comedy Central show too because they're paying for this trip. David's ''The Showbiz Show'' airs Thursday night at 10:30pm. Spade told Howard that he did a bit where he got dressed up in black makeup and everyone knew who he was even with the black makeup on. He didn't bother changing his voice or anything like that. He said he didn't learn a thing by doing that either.
Howard asked the Entertainment Weekly reporter how things went. He said he thinks he can make the article work. Howard said that Chris Booker is trying to get in there as well so maybe he should be following around this Entertainment Weekly reporter.
Howard had Booker come in to say hello. He's a DJ over at the old K-Rock which is now called Free FM. He's also doing a TV Guide Channel show. Howard asked Booker if he's going to get fired for doing the show. He said he never even thought about that but he's just there to help promote his friend's (Howard's) TV show. Howard asked Booker how things are going over at Free FM. Booker said that things are going well for him. Howard had to take a break after that so he wrapped up with David and Booker.
Spade came back in and said that he did the show about a year ago but hasn't been watching since then. He said that he thinks that they always find a few good nuggets in there and with the time they have to put those shows together, they do a pretty good job. Howard said he used to love Spade's ''Buh Bye'' bits but he stopped doing them eventually. Spade said he just didn't want to whore that out like Waynes World and the Church Lady bits were whored out.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Spade about the kind of money he can make doing corporate gigs. Spade said that he can make around $100,000 these days. He said he doesn't do that many of them but he does them to make the money. He said he has to be clean and sometimes do an hour worth of work.
Spade said that he's doing Letterman tonight so he has to go write something to do on that show. They do a pre-interview over there but Letterman will go off on stuff that's not even in the notes. David said that he's shooting the show tonight but it won't air until Wednesday.
Howard asked David if he wanted to get on the Sybian. David said he had to get going, he's got other stuff to do.
Robin said that they're now estimating that they'll be over 10 million by the end of the year. Artie mentioned that he read about how SIRIUS had signed a deal with Volkswagen too. Howard said that's even more good news.
Howard also said that when he tried to prank call a hotel in Lebanon as Fartman, the guy who answered the phone knew who he was. He said that there are still a lot of people who don't know who he is so maybe he is a B-list celebrity. There are a lot of people around the world who do know of him though. Artie said he was on vacation in some foreign country and they all knew who he was from the E! show.
Howard read some e-mail about the past few days shows. One guy was very upset about Howard giving Simon Cowell a SIRIUS radio. There are some people who are sick of hearing King of All Blacks on the Superfan Roundtable. Some people love when Fred appears on The Wrap Up Show. Another guy told Howard to take all the Fridays off he wants. Howard skimmed through all of the other mail and said that one guy wants to hear Blue Iris on the Sybian. Another guy wrote in about the new shows on Howard TV On Demand. Someone asked if they're going to put those shows on DirecTV. Robin said there is no such thing as On Demand on DirecTV so they can't put it on there.
Howard read an email he got about Dan Rather and how wrong he was about Dan back when he was getting fired. Howard said that he was wrong about that back then and he admits it now.
Ben got on the line and told Howard that the procedure that Howard was talking about was done in a very religious cult. Howard had told his mother that there was one Moyle who was spreading herpes to babies by kissing the babies down there. Ben said that it's not a Jewish thing to kiss the baby's penis after the circumcision. That was an isolated incident.
Howard talked to his father about the CBS lawsuit a little bit and was saying that he hopes that Les Moonves drops dead. He didn't want to get too deep into that because he knows that people get bored with that stuff. Ben told Howard and Robin that they were out shopping the other day and a couple of young kids recognized them. He was very surprised and had to give them a couple of dollars because they were out collecting money. Robin said they were probably collecting to pay their monthly bill for SIRIUS.
Howard got back to his mail and quickly went through a bunch of that stuff. One person agreed with Howard about Alcoholics Anonymous and how The National Enquirer shouldn't be crossing that line and printing pictures of people who are in it. Howard said that Melanie Griffith may not want it to be known that she's in AA. They went ahead and printed a story about it though.
Howard played the second clip which was Sal interviewing a couple of Puerto Rican women about what they thought about this parade. They seem to think that the cops would stop them from drinking but they don't stop the Irish from drinking. They weren't there to celebrate, they were just passing through. Howard said he really didn't care about that clip. He wondered if they should listen to the third. Gary said he was a bit iffy on that one but the woman Sal interviewed did get a little racist. Howard played the clip and the woman did say something about how she wouldn't be at the parade of St. Patrick was black. She also used the N-word so Howard said that was the clip to play, there should have been no question about that one.
Joey told Artie that they came from the local union. Artie tried one and said that they're great. The guy asked if he could hang out with Artie at a Yankee game sometime. Artie said he's got four tickets so he can come along sometime. Howard told him that if he brings in another case, he could probably sleep with him.
Howard said you don't even have to pay Artie, just give him a case of Devil Dogs. He had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that Krista was on the show about 5 years ago and Ralph ripped her apart. Howard said he couldn't have ripped her apart himself and she said he didn't. Howard said that Ralph's opinions are a bit off so no one should listen to him. Artie said that this chick is a ''little less hot than Dana'' (his girlfriend). He didn't want to get in trouble with her so he had to say that she wasn't as good looking as Dana. Howard asked Artie if he's going to therapy yet. Artie said he'll be going next month sometime but it doesn't sound serious.
Ralph called in and said that Krista probably lost a few pounds since he did his evaluation. She said that she did lose a couple of pounds. Howard said she looks really hot in the pictures he was looking at and she even has a cute vagina. Howard showed Artie the magazine and asked him to pass it back to him.
Howard asked Krista about some of the notes he had about her. She claims that she had a threesome after doing a video shoot with a band. She said that the scene in the video was to have a pretend threesome and it led to her actually having one.
Krista told Howard that she went to Catholic School for 14 years so she used to wear the school girl outfit and she'd hike up the skirt as high as possible. She said he wanted to feel sexy even though there were no boys in class when she got into high school. The nuns would actually measure the length of the skirt to make sure it wasn't too high. She said that they would actually yank them down to the right length if it was too high.
Krista said that she actually lost her virginity in her school girl outfit. She was dating a kid at the time and they were at home doing homework. They both decided to do it that night and she left her skirt on while they did it. She said they weren't allowed to close the door to his room so she kept the skirt on to keep that hidden just in case. That was when she was just 15 years old.
Krista said that she did her first girl when she was about 16. She said she didn't go all the way with her, she just messed around with her. Howard asked her about the threesome she had and how all of that came about. It was after a Bon Jovi video shoot. She said that she was pretty much in control of that situation. She said that she gave the guy oral and then the other girl gave him oral, then she had sex with him and then the other girl had sex with him.
Howard read that she had dinner with Tabitha Stevens recently. Krista said that she was with her the night she was accused of doing stuff with another woman. Krista said that they didn't do anything that crazy and it was all planned out ahead of time.
Krista said she's also got a black boyfriend so Howard asked her what her parents had a harder time with, the black boyfriend or Penthouse. She said that they were split on those two things. Howard also read that she has tried anal sex but she's not into it. She told Howard that it hurts too much so she doesn't do it anymore.
Howard read that Krista is afraid of ghosts so she told him that there was one time that they heard some noises coming from outside their door and when they'd open it, there wouldn't be anything there. Howard gave her a couple of plugs for her Penthouse layout. He said you can see her at Penthouse.com. He asked her if the room was cold that they were shooting in because her nips looked pretty firm. She said it was kind of cold in there but whenever her shirt is off, they get hard.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this chick is hot. He was checking her out on the web. Another guy called in and said that he banged this chick. Krista said that she doesn't know this guy but she did sleep with a guy with the same name. They knew that the guy was lying.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked if she would ride the Sybian. She said she guesses she would but she's heard that it actually hurts. Jeff the Drunk called in and asked her if she ''...swallows every drop.'' Krista said that it depends on the guy she's with. She said she does that with her boyfriend but she wouldn't do it with every guy she's been with.
Gary set up the Sybian and Howard asked Krista to let them know exactly what she's feeling. She hopped on top of the thing a short time later. Howard told her that they've had Jenna Jameson, Savanna Samson, Valentina Vaughn, Kendra Jade and Buck Wild ride that thing so far.
Krista told Howard that she was afraid of it hurting her but Gary assured her that they wouldn't go too wild with it. Howard had Gary start it out slowly. He started with about 5 percent vibration. She was shocked when he told her it goes up to 100. Howard had Gary jack it up to about 20 percent. She said that was feeling good and could see that it might hurt if it was too much. She said she felt that it was okay and said they could jack it up higher. Gary had it up to about 30 percent at that point. Robin said she looked bored sitting there.
Howard had Gary jack it up another 20 percent and Krista said that it actually feels better higher up. Gary jacked it up to about 70 percent. Then Howard had him jack it up to 100 percent. She said that it was too high at that point so Gary dropped it down a bit. Krista said that it felt good but it was hard. Gary asked her to close her eyes and pretend that no one was there so she could get off. It wasn't happening for her because she felt she was under a lot of pressure. Howard was ready to give up on her a short time later.
Will asked her if she would try insertion. She said she might so Gary gave her some advice on how to sit on it to get the best effect from the attachment. Richard came in and said that maybe they could put the penis attachment on there and have her give oral to it. Howard told him to get out of there because that wasn't funny. He got right back to Krista who was saying that she has to sit and concentrate to get off.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this chick is hot. Howard said he knows that and he's trying to get some action going. He wanted her to sit on one of the attachments but she wasn't sure that would work. Krista said that she gets embarrassed so it's tough for her. Krista said that it did feel good but she was getting embarrassed. Gary put on a new attachment and she was ready to get on that to try it out as well. She didn't know what to do though.
They gave Krista some advice and she decided to sit with the attachment near her area, not in it. Howard said that if they put a towel around her, she might actually do the insertion thing. He told Gary to get a towel so she could cover up. Howard said that she can do whatever she wants to now. Gary said he thinks she was doing the same thing she was doing before but Howard was ready to give up on the whole thing.
One caller told Howard that they had to get rid of this chick and bring back Savanna who was actually into the thing. Howard said he was trying but Krista just couldn't get into it. He told Krista that the other girls were able to get off but he's not going to beg her.
Mike Gange asked if they could give her the control and let her do it. Howard had given up at that point so he just ended it. He said that she gave it a try and that was that. Ralph called back in and defended his evaluation again. He said that the evaluation was a Playboy thing, not a Penthouse thing so he was right, she wasn't good enough for Playboy. She said she has done Playboy though and she was in a special edition. Ralph said that's not like being a Playmate though. Howard let Krista go after that and went to commercial.
Howard said that he has to compliment Bubba the Love Sponge because he had a guy by the name of Shit Eating Bill on the show talking about how he enjoys eating excrement. He said that he learned that excrement is bitter while listening to that bit.
Howard said that he finally saw the Colin Farrel sex tape and the guy has a huge penis. He said he's impressed with that guy after seeing that tape. He said it makes him sick to know that he's got a career and a big penis. The girl he was with was Nicole Narain and she's been on Howard's show before. Howard thought that Colin looked like a douche bag in the video so he can understand why he doesn't want it out there.
Howard said that he's actually been pretty quiet in bed with Beth. She's not into the dirty talk but some of the other women he was with in the past were. He said he would compliment his woman but Beth doesn't like that stuff.
Artie said he sounds like a 70 year old man when he's in bed. He said that he says ''Aw Christ!'' like an old man when he's giving it to her. Howard said that he loves getting behind a woman when he's doing her. Beth has actually asked him to stay quiet while he's doing her.
Artie said that he thinks he's actually hurt Dana both physically and mentally while sleeping with her. Howard said he actually likes to put his finger up a girls ass while banging them from behind but Beth won't go for that. He said that it hasn't happened a lot to him. It did happen to him when he was about 19 with a Polish girl. He said he clenched up very tight back then because he didn't know about that stuff back then.
Jon Hein from The Wrap Up Show gave Howard a quick rundown of what they had coming up. Jon said that they'll have Artie sitting in on the show. They'll be talking about David Spade's visit and Krista Ayne as well. Jon said they're going to talk about the strange Elliot Offen interview that took place this morning. They're also going to be talking about Howard going to Scores last week. Howard asked George Flowers if he would ever go to Scores if they had a party. George probably wouldn't do that, he's busy keeping his marriage in check. Howard said that they can cross George's name off the list for future Scores parties. He said he likes that guy because he's a hard working man.
Howard said there are some images in his head that he can never get over. He said the worst one was the guy getting beheaded a few years ago. He said the second worst was R. Bud Dwyer blowing his brains out. Now the Scat site is right up there with those clips.
Howard said he just saw the movie ''Murder at 1600'' and Diane Lane is so hot. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he thinks that she's really hot. He said that Wesley Snipes wasn't attracted to the white chick at all in the movie.
Richard Christy sent Howard a note about how there are some women out there who have a booger fetish. Richard sent Howard a note about SnotGirls.com and BoogerFetish.com. Howard said that stuff is really gross and he was ready to vomit just thinking about it. Richard asked Howard when it was that he last ate his boogers. Howard said he was probably about 2.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that scatting is pretty popular out there. Howard listened to what the guy had to say and figured that maybe he was eating some turds. The guy claims he doesn't do that stuff. He told Howard that people getting vomited on is probably more popular than the scatting thing though. He said that the people who are doing that stuff are asking for full acceptance of their whole being. The caller also said that he has a video that he can send to them that will explain it better. He said that they may vomit by watching it though.
The health risks are great in this whole thing. You can get hepatitis or parasites among other things. Howard asked if a person could live off of turds if you had no choice. The caller wasn't sure if that was possible. He said that you can ingest your own urine and it can sustain you but he's not sure about the turds. The caller told Howard he's out of control and really didn't have an answer. Robin was ready to throw up just hearing the discussion.
Howard asked what has more nutritional value, junk food or turds. The caller said they're probably about the same. The guy told Howard that the videos are illegal to sell but he was going to send Howard a copy. Howard didn't want him to do that if it's illegal. The guy said that it's not illegal to send a copy, it's just illegal to sell or purchase them.
Sal came in and asked why dogs eat shit because his dog will rip through his garbage and eat his son's diapers. The caller had no idea why that would be. He said that the scatting is actually more popular than the booger eating stuff that Howard was asking about. Howard wanted to know what else this guy is studying out there that's disgusting. The guy was telling Howard about a guy he knew about that could only get off by masturbating on the linoleum floor of his kitchen. As he was talking about that Howard accidentally cut him off and took a call from Captain Janks.
Janks said that he had a video that he wanted to send to the show but it was illegal to send across state lines so he actually drove it to them. Howard was upset that he had hung up on the guy.
Howard said that Richard tapes Mike Walker before he gets on the air with them and he caught Mike farting. He said it was a great catch. Howard played the clip and you hear Mike ripping a really nasty one. You can hear Mike listening to Howard and Artie said that it sounds like he killed an iguana or something when he farted. Howard Played the fart a few times. Then they played a mix of Mike playing his conga along with the fart. They had also put all of that to the tune of Aerosmith's ''Walk This Way.''
Howard had the scat guy back on the phone but he was done with the story so he just thanked the guy for calling in. The caller said that he's glad to have Howard back in his area. He's been watching a lot of the new stuff on Howard TV On Demand and it's all great. Howard let him go and had Robin start her news at around 11:00.
Robin had Howard play a new Nick Lachey song as well. Howard said he really sucks and said that he wanted to hear some real music. That real music was Wendy the Retard singing some karaoke songs. Howard played another Prince song and threw in that Mike Walker sound effect again.
Gary came in and said that they've had some interest from Rappin' Granny that she would like to ride the Sybian even though they're trying to get Blue Iris to ride it first. Howard said he thinks they should have Blue Iris ride it first because she was first on the list.
Howard was still going at 11:20 in the morning so he said that anyone who complains about them taking Fridays off, he said ''Fuck you...'' He took a call from a guy who said that Dice Clay did a show out on Long Island this weekend and he can't even sell out Governors out there anymore. Howard said they'll be talking to Dice later this week so they'll talk out their problems then. He said they'll talk and try to find out what the problem was.
Late in the news Howard had a mix of the Mike Walker fart to the Addams Family theme song to play. He spent a minute talking about how Mike likes to play the conga before coming on the show and that's kind of odd. He said that he doesn't know of many people who play the congas.
Robin mentioned that an episode of ''South Park'' had been pulled from Comedy Central thanks to Tom Cruise. The episode made fun of Scientology and after he complained, they pulled the episode. Howard put the word out that if those guys, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, want to put that episode on Howard TV On Demand, he welcomes them to do so. He doesn't know if they have the rights to the show but the offer is out there for them. Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Howard started off the show talking about Tim Sabean's e-mail and how he's got all kinds of cool logos included in it. He said that he's so computer illiterate that he doesn't know how to make that happen for his own mail. Rev. Bob Levy was sitting in this morning and said that he doesn't know how to do that stuff either, he just knows the bulletin boards and porn.
Howard talked about how illiterate Bob seems to be when he gets mail from him. He said he's writing at the level of about a 6th grader. He said that Tim isn't much better because he asked him to have a little patience but spelled it ''patients.''
The guys were goofing on Bob this morning about the way his arms flail around when he talks too. They thought that was pretty funny. Howard also pointed out that Artie got a case of Devil Dogs yesterday and he's already started eating through the case. Artie said that he tried to start jogging yesterday but that turned out to be a disaster. He said the kid he had load up his iPod screwed up and gave him some stuff he doesn't want to hear. He told Howard that he was trying to jog on a treadmill and had it turned up to 6. He only lasted a few minutes at that.
Howard had a picture of Artie from when he was in high school so he showed it to everyone. They said his smile was a little crooked. Bob said his suit looked pretty bad and he must have bought it from ''Please Don't Fuck Me.''
Howard gave Bob a plug for a show he's doing out in Scottsdale, Arizona at Mardi Gras this weekend. You can get more info at VotsLive.com or revboblevy.net. That led to Howard talking to Bob about his ass eating bit that he does during his comedy show. Bob said he can't even spell so he doesn't worry about catching anything.
Bob told Howard that he and his wife are getting along very well right now but he's still living in his basement and jerking off in a sock. He and Howard talked about how it seems like it's marriage that ruins things in a relationship. Bob thinks that there's an expiration date for fuckin' chicks and sometimes it's the day you put that ring on their finger.
Howard talked to Artie about taking Dana on vacation and bringing a diamond with him. He didn't bring the ring, just the diamond. He was going to ask her if she liked that before actually getting it set. They talked about that whole deal and how great Artie has it right now. His mother cooks him all the food he wants and a great apartment. Bob said he's also got that half a ring that he was going to give to Dana. They were goofing on him about that and Bob was flailing around again so Artie told him to calm down over there.
Artie was afraid that Levy was going to whack him in the head. Fred played some Joe Cocker music since Bob tends to flail around just like Cocker does. Howard sang along to the song while Bob and Artie were inserting their own lyrics.
Artie said he can't wait for Mike to call in this week. Gary said he's going to have to take the brunt of the scolding when Mike calls in this week. They had that fart mixed in with Mike's conga playing and also with the ''Addams Family'' theme song. Howard said he could also play the conga and fart sounds to any song the caller wanted to hear. The caller suggested Metallica's ''Ain't My Bitch.'' Fred found the song and Howard played the Mike Walker fart and conga clips to the song.
Howard asked Bob about the upcoming Daniel Carver roast. Bob was rattling off the names and said ''Lisa Lampigneli'' which was nowhere near the correct pronunciation. It's Lampanelli. Next month the guys are supposed to roast KC Armstrong but Bob said he wants to get him into town 2 days early to make sure he shows up for the thing. He's known for being a no-show at some events. Bob wondered if KC would snap if he gets roasted. Howard isn't sure if that would happen but you never know.
Howard took a call from Blue Iris who said she's going to be coming in to see him soon. They want her to ride the Sybian and she's all up for it. Howard is afraid that she's too old to handle that.
Blue told Howard that she once had sex with a guy who had Cerebral Palsy. She said it was years ago when she was in the hospital. She also claims that she had sex with an orderly in her most recent hospital visit. She said that he was a good looking guy too. Howard wanted to know how she seduced him. She said that she didn't need to, he came in to massage her and she got him. Howard figured that she didn't look her best laying in bed in the hospital. She said she didn't but she doesn't have varicose veins or any hair growing out of her chin like Howard thought she did.
Blue told Howard that the orderly came in to massage her and started out at her neck and shoulders. He told her that she had a sexy body. Bob asked her ''And this blind nurse, what else did he have to say?'' Blue told Howard that the guy eventually banged her and he went in there bareback. She said that he was on top of her and she didn't have to lube herself up, she didn't need anything.
The guys were having some fun with her and Blue seemed to be getting a little irritated with the questioning. Artie told her that she's really hot for an 80 year old but ''insanely ugly'' for a 20 year old. Howard asked her when she stopped menstruating. She said that she stopped when she was about 49 years old. Bob said that was about 60 years ago.
Howard asked Blue if the orderly ever came back to do her again. She said she never saw him again. He just came in and did her one time and left. Howard said he guesses that's better than doing dead chicks in the morgue. She said that she didn't find it odd that the guy never came back to her. She figures the guy just went nuts. Howard said he's probably one of those old lady rapists and he thinks he got away with raping her but didn't realize that she wanted it from him.
Richard Christy asked Blue where the orderly finished. Blue said that he finished outside of her. Howard figures he was running away from her when he finished. Blue said that he dropped off his load on her stomach. She said she ended up rubbing it on her face. Artie said that was probably the grossest, funniest story he's ever heard. Blue said that the guy left the room after that. He told her to sleep tight and gave her a kiss on her ear.
Robin asked Blue if the guy tried to stick her legs behind her ears while he was having sex with her. Howard said he would have broken her legs if he did that. Artie asked her if the guy moved her breasts to kiss her feet. They were on a roll with the jokes between Artie and Bob.
Howard asked Blue if she's got a huge bush down there. She said she does so Richard said he's afraid that she's going to clog up the Sybian. Blue said she's ready to come out there to ride that thing any night except Monday nights. She works on Monday's at a comedy club out in California. Howard asked her to do about a minute of her act. Blue did a bit about toilet paper that didn't go over very well. Howard asked her if she performs outside of the Comedy Store or inside. She claims it's inside.
Howard asked Blue to give them her best material. She told a joke about coffee and pussy but that one didn't go over very well either. Gary came in and told Howard that they have to wait 14 days to bring Blue in because they want to get a better price on a flight for her. Howard told him that's ridiculous and told Gary to get her there. Bob said that she could be dead in 2 weeks. Gary asked Howard if Blue is of full mental capacity. Howard thought that was kind of rude and apologized to Blue for that. That led to Howard telling Blue to ask Gary a question. She did it as a joke and asked when President Reagan got Alzheimers. Gary said it was the early 90s. Blue said it was in his second year.
Tim Sabean came in and said that they can get Blue in there soon, not the two weeks that he had told Gary. Howard said that they'll see her in 2 weeks or sooner and let her go.
The caller asked to play a Stump the Comedian thing with Bob Levy. Howard said that was Jackie's thing though and he wasn't sure he wanted to do that. He eventually asked Gary if they had anything to give the guy as a prize. He found out he had a $500 prize to give the guy if he could stump Bob and/or Artie. Here are his questions...
Howard brought up Rosie O'Donnell since he saw her out at a restaurant the other night. He was told by his buddy Richie that Rosie didn't want to sit near him so she was on the far side of the place. Howard said that he did see her back when he went to the bathroom and her back was wider than Artie's. He said he really doesn't have a problem with her but Rosie apparently doesn't want anything to do with him.
Benjy told Howard that Rosie has a poem about Howard on her blog. He read that poem and she said that she really doesn't hate Howard. Benjy gave it a nice read too. It was actually pretty complimentary to Howard. He's actually read her blog a few time and enjoyed it. Levy said that maybe they could roast her. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said he hasn't listened to Bob's show yet because there's so much going on. Bob said the show is back to one hour after it had gone to 2 hours for one week. He said that's what Tim Sabean wants because they have the replay shows to play. Howard gave a quick rundown of the shows they have coming up on Howard 101. The Intern Show is on Wednesday, Superfan Roundtable is on Thursday and then Red Peters Comedy Hour is on Friday night. They all air at 7pm Eastern time.
Governor Patacki sent Howard a note where he said that CBS is crazy to him for this whole lawsuit thing. Howard quickly read that and then read some articles about the news that SIRIUS has 4 million subscribers now. They're predicting 6 million by the end of the year.
Howard read some news about the news that Katie Couric is leaving the Today Show and he doesn't think it's as big of a deal as they're making it out to be. It's not that hard to replace someone who reads a teleprompter. He was whipping through some other news and saw that Trump's new son's name is Baron. He also noticed that the Naked Cowboy must have a publicist because he's all over the news these days.
After that Howard moved on to find out what Fred is up to. He asked Fred how he's doing and what he's up to. Fred said that there are some surprises for the Howard Stern Film Festival. He said he's working with Robin on something for the festival and they should have something ready by the time the festival comes around. They're lining up some stars for the movie they're going to create.
Howard thanked Fred for that and got in some plugs for the Howard Stern Film Festival. He said that the films are due by April 11th and have to be under 5 minutes long. He also mentioned his web site HowardStern.com and he thinks that it's an utter disaster right now. It's horribly organized and he can't even find anything in there himself. He said he wants it fixed already and doesn't want any excuses because it's killing him. He said this is the most important time for the web site because he's trying to stay in touch with the audience. It's supposed to be redesigned again and it's taking forever.
Robin said that they have a picture of Savanna up on the web site and she looks like a vampire. Howard said that the site has to be fixed today but it's not happening. He said that even the SternFanNetwork.com web site looks better than his does. All of the sites out there on the web look better than his.
Howard played a bit that Sal and Richard made using clips of Judge Judy. They called a guy and had the tapes of Judy talking to the guy and asking him about going to jail and stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that one of the best things on Howard TV On Demand is the ''Bathroom Incident'' show. Howard didn't remember it at first but when he did, he said that was a great one that could never air on TV the way it's airing on the On Demand thing. It's completely uncensored now. That led to him digging through his mail to read a letter he got about the show. He read the letter from the fan who just got SIRIUS and complained about how there's actually too much to listen to on the service.
Howard said he watched the second episode of The Sopranos and he actually liked it. A lot of people thought it was horrible but Howard, Robin and Artie said they enjoyed it. It took Artie a little while to get into it but he eventually said he did like it. Robin explained some of it to Howard since he didn't get what some of it meant. He did enjoy what he saw though.
Fred hated that second episode of The Sopranos. He said he wants to see mob stuff and not all of the dream crap that they had in that episode. He wanted the episode to move along and not stall the show the way it did. Levy said he didn't like it either. Gary came in and said that he's very surprised that Howard actually liked that episode. He also said that Jon Hein had a great comment about how Edi Falco sitting next to the bed was just her trying to get an Emmy.
The guys spent a few more minutes talking about the show before Howard moved on to the next audio clip he wanted to play. He said he had a new voice mail from Riley Martin who is very impatient about getting his radio show on the air. Howard played the message where Riley starts off by plugging his book. Then he says that it's taking far too long to get him a date for the show he wants to do. Gary said that they actually did give him a date of April 27th so that should make him happy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loved that Mike Walker fart they played yesterday. Fred played the fart a few more times for them. He also played the conga/fart mix. The guys spent a little more time talking about The Sopranos and about Pauly Walnuts because he was involved in a bunch of wild stuff.
Howard said that Crazy Alice has been calling in quite a bit and they can't get her to come in live. He said that she really hates Artie for some reason and she also hates Robin. Gary wants her to leave her phone number so they can call her back. Howard played her latest voice mail messages and she went off on Artie saying that he's not funny. She also went off on Robin a bit. Alice left a couple of other messages and she got all revved up about Artie again when she heard him say something about Dice Clay. Artie didn't think he had said anything about him so he wasn't sure what she was talking about. In the third message Alice was going off on Robin once again calling her names. Then she went off on Artie again.
Robin thinks that Alice is listening to the same show over and over again and she gets all pissed off when she hears the same thing. Howard had to take a break after that but he mentioned they have Beetlejuice coming in later on. The guys talked about how he didn't curse the last time he was on the show. Levy, who works with him once in a while, said that if you give him a beer he should be fine.
Howard said that they tried to get Beetlejuice to sing his Beetlejuice Song but he doesn't remember doing that so he can't repeat it. He played a clip of Richard trying to get him to sing the song but Beet is very hard to work with. Richard was feeding all of the lines to Beetlejuice but nothing was working. Howard thinks that they'll never have that song again since Beet can't repeat it. Gary said that he was out in the hall with Beet and he was drinking a cup of coffee and acting very normal this morning. He was kind of worried about that. Howard went to break a short time after that.
Howard spoke to the 19 year old Make-A-Wish kid and told him that he might think he has a hard time living with cancer but he's got to live with Gary. The kid was ready to give Gary a slap if Howard wanted him to.
Howard was also complaining about the live commercial reads he was doing because he doesn't have time to prepare for the next part of the show when he's reading commercials. Gary said that he tried talking to Sam Benrubi but Howard told him that Sam was the wrong guy to talk to. While Gary was in his office talking to Howard, Sal went in there with a big dildo and stuck it in his face. That led to a fight off the air that Howard said would probably end up on his TV channel.
Howard finished up his commercial break and introduced Pat and John. Pat has cancer and he was able to get in on this Make-A-Wish thing. He's in and out of the hospital all the time. He said he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma back in 2004. He got over that and was then diagnosed again last year. He said that he's been through about 10 chemotherapy treatments over the past couple of years.
Howard asked Pat if he's a wigger or something because he's dressed kind of like a rapper. Pat said he's from Brooklyn so that might be why he thinks that. Pat said that he gave a couple of wishes for his Make-A-Wish thing 2 years ago and asked to go to the Playboy mansion. He said that they wouldn't allow that so he said the next best thing would be going on Howard Stern's show. They made that happen.
Pat said that he can sometimes get out of speeding tickets with the cancer. He'll take his hat off to show them that he's lost all of his hair. Pat said that he won't be able to finish up college and he'll probably have to enter the family business which is a security company. Howard asked him if his family bought a lot of life insurance on him. He wasn't sure about that but Howard told him that he would be buying insurance for him every day. He said he'd have about 50 billion dollars worth of insurance on him.
Howard heard that Pat writes rap songs so he wanted him to do some rapping for them. Pat wasn't into that but Howard played some drum beats for him to sing to. Then Bob suggested that they play the Mike Walker fart music. Howard pulled that out and played the conga and fart sounds mixed. Pat wasn't into it so he didn't do it.
Pat told Howard that he's been getting laid since he was 16 years old so he's doing okay in that department. The last time he got any was back in October though. Now that he's going through Chemo he has no interest in doing any of that stuff.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that her daughter has cancer and her son is on crack cocaine. Howard didn't now why she was calling so he moved on to the next caller. The next caller was a woman who was on the show in the Blind Beauty pageant. She said that her husband actually died from what this kid has. That wasn't exactly encouraging to Pat. The woman said that her husband fought it for 10 years and he lasted about 9 years longer than he was supposed to.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered where the Howard TV segment of Yucko getting roasted by a couple of black guys was. Sal the Stockbroker came in and told them that Mike Gange is editing it and it should be up on Howard TV On Demand in a couple of weeks. Bob was there that time and told Howard how funny it was when the guys came in and scared the crap out of Yucko.
Howard got back to Pat and asked him more about the whole Make-A-Wish thing. He said that Pat should have requested to go to one of those Hedonism places where there are tons of chicks wanting to get laid. Bob told Howard they should get Tabitha Stevens to bang this kid. Howard said he could do that if Pat wanted to. Pat said that he'd bang anything. Bob told Pat that she gives the best blow job in the world. He said that she's pretty amazing. He said that she doesn't stop even after you cum so you have to punch her to get her off of you.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's got a great Levy story. He said he remembers when Levy was on the show back on K-Rock. He had to pull over because he was laughing so hard. He said a State Trooper actually pulled up behind him and when he came up to the car, he heard the show on and asked if he could sit in the car with him and listen. He claims that the cop sat in the car for 30 minutes listening to the show with him.
Howard had the Make-A-Wish woman, Kathy, come in to talk to him about what's going on. Kathy told Howard where the whole organization came from and how they started out with one kid who wanted to become a cop for a day. Howard asked her what the wildest wish was that she's worked on. She said that this might be it, having Pat on the Howard Stern Show.
Howard told a story about going to see a woman years ago when he was shooting an interview with Stone Phillips. He said he was having some fun with the whole thing but Stone wasn't to thrilled with the whole thing.
Howard asked Pat if he would like to go to the Bunny Ranch. Pat said he'd love to do that. There was a woman on the phone claiming that she was from the Bunny Ranch but when Howard went to pick it up, she wasn't there. Howard told the kid that he would like to do something for him but he didn't know what. He was also talking about a kid that used to call the show and he was supposed to die pretty quick but he was still around for years later.
Howard asked Pat if he would at least like to feel up Robin or something. He said that would be great but Robin wasn't up for that. Bob said they should take him to Scores. Howard said maybe next time they go he'll bring the kid along. Artie was signing bottles of Jack Daniels for the kid.
Howard took a few more phone calls for Pat. One guy said that the Make-A-Wish foundation is great and they granted a wish for his little sister. That guy also went off on Jon Hein about the way he ran the Better Half Show and that came from out of nowhere. Another caller said he wanted to be granted a wish and wanted Les Moonves to be taken away. A woman called in and said that her husband had Hodgkins and he's been a survivor for the past 10 years. She said that she divorced the guy though, even thought he did survive.
Pat was telling Howard that he's got all kinds of scars on his chest from the tests they've done and the ports they have into his chest for giving him the Chemo. Artie said that chicks dig scars so that's not a bad thing. Howard thanked Kathy for bringing Pat there and let her go.
Howard told Pat that he's liking him. Pat said he actually brought home one of the nurses from the hospital with him. She was actually not a nurse there, she just worked there on his floor. Howard told him that he may not want to give too many details because he doesn't want people to know exactly who she was.
Howard told Pat to keep in touch but only give him good news, nothing bad. He took a call from a guy who said that he liked the bumper they played earlier in the show for the AYDS diet supplement that they used to sell years ago. Howard said that was the biggest disaster for a company when AIDS became so big. They lasted a little while before they had to give up the AYDS name. Howard went to break a short time after talking about that.
Howard was ready to move along so he cut Fred off and took a phone call from a guy who works at a Volkswagen/Audi dealer and they're all thrilled that they have SIRIUS as their only satellite radio option. Howard said that he's going to be announcing the names of the people out there who were saying that it was a bad idea for SIRIUS to sign him. Artie was saying that the day he celebrates is the day that XM reaches 4 million subscribers.
Howard talked about how desperate XM is right now because they're doing just about anything to keep their subscribers. He said that they'll even give you the service for $3 a month to keep people. The caller said that they've been selling XM and SIRIUS side by side for a few years now and 4 out of 5 people want SIRIUS anyway.
Howard said that Sal keeps insisting that he replay this prank call he made. Sal received a wrong number call and pretended to be a black guy who had a dog barking in his apartment. He pretended to kick it and hit it with a bottle.
Howard said that Garver also interviewed actress Sean Young. Garver asked her if she's ever had a drug or alcohol problem. She said she has but also said that she's not sober. He asked her what 9 times 8 was. She said 17 and realized that she was wrong. She didn't have an answer for him so Garver had to give her the answer. She said that she also shaves and/or waxes her private parts. Garver asked her if she would destroy Blacks or Puerto Ricans if she could. She said she would get rid of the whites and wondered why he didn't include them. B
Howard had another clip of Garver interviewing actress Karen Black. Garver asked her who she would consider not to be a star at the event she was at. She wasn't too happy with that question. Then she started to sing to Gary about how everybody is a star. Garver tried asking her if she trusts the Jews. She paused and then asked him where he was born and told him to get out in the world more. He asked her about shaving or waxing and she said that she is nearly hairless so she doesn't have to do either. She also said that she finds Howard Stern to be very insulting.
Howard said he was heard about a 60 Minutes story where they talk about how the number of brothers you have can determine whether or not a guy will be gay. They had a doctor on the show who said that's one way they can determine that someone is going to be gay. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that story and listening to the audio from 60 Minutes. Gary said that they were showing some kids in the show who did turn out gay. They had some video of the kids when they were little and playing with toys that the opposite sex would usually play with. He said that there was one set of twins on there who were 7 years old and one of the kids was saying that he felt like a woman... at 7 years old.
Howard played one last interview that Gary Garver did with Ed Asner. Garver asked Ed what he thinks about Howard and the CBS lawsuit but Ed wasn't saying much. Ed said that he is circumcised but wouldn't answer if he's ever had a gay experience. He told Garver that his questions were imbecilic. He didn't seem to thrilled with the questions but he did hang in there with Garver through the few questions he got out.
Howard decided to read some e-mail instead. He had some feedback about the Hogan Family visit last week. Fans seemed to like the interview and they can't wait for Brooke Hogan to return by herself after she turns 18 years old. Howard said someone wanted to get her on the Sybian but Howard said that will never happen. He doesn't want Hulk coming back to beat the crap out of him. He said that Hulk would probably break his neck if he ever touched his daughter.
Howard said that he thinks that Brooke is really gorgeous but he would never touch her. He read another e-mail from a guy who thinks that Hulk is going to drive his daughter to do really wild things because he's so strict.
Howard said someone wrote in and asked why they have Gilbert Gottfried on the show. Howard went on to talk about how hit and miss guests can be and that's what it's like with Elegant Elliot Offen because he can be great one time and horrible the next. Howard said they really don't need any guests because people like when he just hangs out and talks with people. He can do that with Artie and Bob Levy.
Howard said that some people want bumper stickers to help promote SIRIUS. Howard said the best way to do that is to just walk up to people and tell them how good you think it is. Another e-mailer told Howard he really liked the Savanna Samson Sybian episode on Howard TV On Demand.
Robin asked what was going on with the Playboy channel on SIRIUS. Howard went to it but it was a couple of dudes talking to each other. Howard wanted to compare that channel to the Cosmo channel but it wasn't possible with the setup he had. He tried the Martha Stewart channel instead.
Howard said that he was thinking of turning his show into a show that would fix The Maxim Channel. They would insert their own jokes into the shows they have on. Howard was goofing on the way the shows there at SIRIUS just put anyone on the air (he does the same thing, doesn't he?). He was playing a bunch of Mike Walker fart sounds.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who wondered why Gary only puts on one side of his headphones when he walks in to the studio. Gary said he does that so he can still hear what's going on in the studio. He said he's not trying to be an old-time broadcaster like Howard thought he was.
Howard said that Human Resources there at SIRIUS is complaining about Sal jerking off in the bathroom so if he continues to do that, he's probably going to get fired. He went on to read an e-mail from someone who said they want to hear Mariann from Brooklyn on the Sybian.
Howard took a call from Mariann who said that she might be interested in doing the Sybian thing but then said that she wouldn't be able to do it. She was telling Howard that her radio went dead last night and now she's got to go out and buy a new one. She asked Howard if she should be boycotting channel 2 there in New York. Howard said if she doesn't want to watch it, then go ahead and stop watching. She was starting to ramble a bit so Howard cut her off and said he couldn't take it anymore.
Howard had the Entertainment Weekly reporter, Josh, sitting in the studio again today. He was asking him if he could reschedule the big interview from Thursday to another day. Howard was hoping to change it to tomorrow instead of Thursday. Howard was able to work things out so he could interview him tomorrow. He has some stuff coming up on Thursday that he has to take care of so he can't do the Thursday thing. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that maybe if this woman just gave his webmaster oral it would help. He ended up putting her on hold because he was so bored with her. As he was about to do that, she was telling Artie that she knows someone who was in Dirty Work with him... but Howard cut her off and said that it's no wonder guys can't stay married.
Howard got back to Josh and spent a few more minutes talking to him. He was bragging about being a great father compared to the father he had. He said that he knows all of his kids' birthdays but his father didn't know his. He said that all he wanted from his father was his love but he thinks that he gives his kids too much love. Artie said that he might be different with a son though. He said that his father would tell his mother that she could have all of the kids she wanted as long as he didn't have to help out. A lot of guys are like that.
Howard heard that Beet was drinking this morning so he asked him if he thinks he has an alcohol problem. Beet said he doesn't have a problem and he could give it up if he wanted to. Howard asked Beet if he's still getting along with Bob Levy. Beet said something about him being a ''Bob Hope Jew.'' That led to Howard asking Beet about Jews and what they do to him. Beet said that they love money. He was also saying something about Hitler but he was kind of unintelligible. Robin figured out that he was saying that he overpowered the Jews.
Howard asked Beet about working with the Jews and asked him if they've ever screwed him out of money. Beet said he makes sure that they don't do that. Howard asked Beet more about the Jews and then asked him to rank the races for him. Beet didn't really have any thoughts on that so Howard had to steer him in the right direction. He asked him if he can tell a Jew just by looking at them. Beet said he could so he asked him if he was a Jew. Beet said he was and he was right. Then Howard pointed out Artie and Beet said that Artie is also a ''dirty Jew.'' Beet also called Fred a ''Kike.'' Then Howard asked Beet what he thinks about him. Beetlejuice said that Howard isn't a Jew, he's Italian.
Howard asked Beetlejuice to have a spelling bee against Bob Levy. Bob said he thinks he can beat Beetlejuice but Beet said that ''you can't beat a dirty Jew.'' Howard gave Bob the first word which was ''SCISSORS.'' Bob spelled it ''SISSORS.'' Beetlejuice spelled it ''SAICCD... SEAI.'' Beetlejuice told Bob to go back to the Klan or something wacky like that.
Howard went to Bob again with the next word ''DEFINITELY.'' Bob spelled it ''DEFINATLY'' and Beetlejuice spelled it ''DEFINTLY.'' He came pretty close with that one. Howard gave Beet the next word ''POTATO.'' He spelled it ''POTNATO'' but almost got it. Howard asked Bob to spell the next word which was RHYME. Bob got it right so Howard called him a show off and ended the spelling bee.
Howard asked Beetlejuice how his manager Sean is doing after his stroke. Beet said he's doing fine and he's up and walking around now. Howard asked him what car he's driving these days but Beet wasn't able to answer. He was also asked about what he's got planned for his future. Beet said he plans on leaving, that's it. He was also saying that his penis is about 2 inches long and it's too large for his wife.
A fan called in and asked Beetlejuice why he's not cursing on the air. Beet said he didn't want to but he did say the F-word a few times. He was also goofing on the guy on the phone by doing a fake voice. Artie got him revved up and gave him a couple of F-yous that got Beetle cursing a little more. They had him going pretty good this time. Last time he was on he didn't say one curse word. This time he was cursing like crazy.
Artie was goofing on him but Beet came back with some good points about him getting drunk out in Vegas and almost falling off the stage. He was also calling him fat and goofing on him right back. Beetlejuice said that Artie has boobs like a girl and he should put a bra on. Beet was quick this morning with his comebacks.
Bob asked if they could have Beet at the Daniel Carver Roast. Howard said that would be great. At one point Beetlejuice called Artie ''Jackie'' and goofed on him some more. A caller asked Beetlejuice what it's like to be an A-List celebrity. Beet said that it don't matter but he does like it a little bit. He also said that he likes signing autographs a little bit.
Howard started to wrap up with Beetlejuice but he and Artie were still going back and forth. Howard was calling Artie ''Jackie'' still and wondered why the two of them were fighting. Artie said he was just trying to get something going.
Howard gave Beet a plug for his web site and asked him to make up with Artie. Beetlejuice called in a Guinea and said that he smells like shit pizza. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard replayed the Riley Martin voice mail message he played earlier. He also replayed the Crazy Alice messages where she went off on Artie and Robin.
Artie said he shook Beetlejuice's hand out in the hall and Doug Goodstein came up to him and told him to go wash his hands because Beet had just been in the bathroom pissing and shitting and who knows what else. Howard had some Purell hand sanitizer in there so he gave some to Artie to use. Howard said he's been washing his hands and using the hand sanitizer after that.
George finished up his preview of the news stories they had coming up and got in a plug for Bob Levy and Shuli's show ''Miserable Men'' which will be on tonight at 7 o'clock Eastern time.
Jon Hein was in with a preview of The Wrap Up Show. He said that Beetlejuice may stop by. Pat the Make-A-Wish kid will stop by as will Will who went through the same thing that Pat is going through. Bob Levy will sit in on that show as well. Gary will be talking about the problems he had when he brought in a guest at the wrong time earlier in the morning. Howard said there's nothing to talk about there because Gary isn't supposed to bring in a guest early unless he asks him to.
Ralph and Howard were arguing about this week's episode of The Sopranos and whether it was good or not. Howard liked it and Ralph hated it. They went through the crew and got everyone's thoughts on that episode.
During the news Howard took a call from Captain Janks who thought about having a roast of Les Moonves and just have a dummy sitting there and taking it. Janks even volunteered to sit there dressed up like Les. Howard said he thinks it would be best if the guy was actually there. Gary came in and said that the guys were talking to him about Bob in the back and there are some words that he just can't say. He can't pronounce the word ''Shrimp.'' Bob tried saying it and it came out as ''Strimp.'' He also can't say the word Shrink, he says ''Strink.'' Howard asked him to say ''shrunk'' and he wasn't able to say that either. He said ''Strunk.''
Gary also said that Bob used to be a wrestler on cable access. Bob said that he was known as ''Heartbreaker Bobby Slayer.'' He said that he did that for a short time and it didn't work out. Bob said that he did a few matches and most of the time he would lose. Howard asked him to say shrimp again. He gave him a ''strimp.''
Artie had Bob tell his story about a joke that he thinks he had stolen from him by Dave Chappelle. It goes something like ''I'm going home to beat my dick like it owes me money.'' A short time after Bob told the story, Benjy said that he found a reference to it on the web that was from 1998 so it's been out there for at least that long. Bob believes that he wrote the joke and Chappelle's people ripped it off from him. Artie thinks he's nuts.
Howard had Bob saying a few more ''Shr'' words during the news and poor Bob wasn't able to pronounce them. He was able to say ''Mushroom'' with no problem but when Howard asked him to say ''shroom'' he said ''stroom.'' Artie goofed on him quite a bit about that whenever he got a chance.
At one point Artie was reciting lines from ''The Godfather'' and he had them down almost perfect. Fred played a clip from the movie and Artie was playing along and saying the lines before the character did. He has an amazing ability to remember that stuff. He could probably recite the whole movie. He was doing whole scenes from the movie that lasted for minutes. Howard told him he was really good. He asked him if he could do the whole thing if he set it up on TV. Artie said it's like 2 hours long so he probably couldn't do the whole thing... but he could do most of it.
Howard actually had to stop Artie from doing more of The Godfather stuff. It was getting late in the morning and he wanted to get out of there. He didn't end the show until 11:40am.
Howard said that they were just talking about how amazing Google is because you can find so much information on there. He said that he read somewhere that you can google a celebrity and they will track them as they're moving around. Artie said that he read the story and most of the information about the celebrities are just people making up the information. JD came in and said that he heard the same thing and a lot of the reports are false.
One report was about Leslie Moonves getting flipped off by Howard Stern. Howard said that one isn't true though. There was another report about Will Farrel dying in a hang gliding accident but that turned out not to be true. Bubba the Love Sponge reported that one on his show yesterday. Will had to come out and tell everyone that it wasn't true and he was still alive.
Howard said there was a guy the other day who said that he really appreciated Artie. He brought in half a crate of Devil Dogs (about 84 dogs) and he was a teamster. Howard said that the guy said he wanted to go to a Yankee game with Artie and Artie didn't think about it before offering to take him. He said that was so great that he could open up like that to the guy. Howard said he wishes he could open up to people like that. Artie has done something for the audience and he doesn't carry himself like he's too good for something like that.
The second thing that blew Howard away was when they had the cancer kid in yesterday. Howard was having a meeting with Tim Sabean and he heard that Artie had taken the kid out to lunch with a bunch of people. He said that Artie really didn't have to do that. Robin interrupted and said that she wanted to do that but Artie bogarted him away from her and stole him.
Howard said he had to yell at the news department for not covering that story. Shuli was actually at the lunch and didn't bring his tape recorder with him. That led to another incident with Penny Crone who missed the lunch story as she was waiting to get a story about Howard's tattoos. He said that she started to cry over that. Howard said he wasn't mad at her, he was just pointing out that it could have been an interesting story. Penny had to be cradled for about 15 minutes out in the hall while that was going on.
Howard told Artie that he really thanks him for doing those two things because he went out of his way to do it. Artie said that it was very strange to eat with those kids yesterday because they seemed to get a kick out of watching him eat. He said the lunch was kind of expensive but it was a nice meal. He said they went to Del Friscos and had some great food.
Artie said that he had a house salad, a veal chop, rolls, shrimp cocktail, sautéed mushrooms and some desert. He wasn't going to have desert but the kids asked him if he wanted to have something more. He claims he did it to satisfy the kid.
Artie said that Sal and the guys were going to take the kid somewhere else but he wanted to stay close by. Scott the Engineer got in on that so Howard figured that he glommed onto it. Artie said that Scott offered him money and he was asked to come with them. Artie said the meal cost him about $500 but there were 10 of them there. He said that everyone was great though.
Robin said that Artie had given one of the guys a box of Devil Dogs and a bottle of Jack Daniels for the other kid. Howard took a call from a guy who said he got in on the lunch. Artie said he doesn't know the guy very well but it turns out that he's the Rappin' Granny's manager, Neil B. Ronnie came in and told Howard that this guy is a stalker and he's constantly e-mailing people with his ideas and stuff. Artie said the guy was hanging out with Levy who was there at lunch.
Neil says that he's a physician so Howard asked him if the Rappin' Granny would die if they put her on the Sybian. He said that he's actually set that up so she's ready to go. Neil got back to the story and said that he was going to pay the tip at lunch yesterday and Artie wouldn't let him do it. Artie said that the guy wanted to pay the tip on his Amex card and he wanted to pay cash.
Howard let Neil go and told Artie how great he is for the show. He is very much a friend to everyone. Howard said that he never wants to bring this up again though. Howard told him that, unlike Dana, he can love him just the way he is. Artie said that he's been trying to tell Dana that if he does change, he's not going to change all that much.
Gary came in and told Howard that Artie was saying that he might just send the Yankee tickets to the guy so he doesn't have to go to the game with him. Artie said that they're $700 tickets so it's not like it's not a big deal.
Howard played one clip where Imus said something funny. He sounds kind of frail to Howard. Larry asked Imus about the CBS lawsuit and even Imus thinks that it's stupid. Imus said that CBS should have either taken Howard off the air or let him do his thing and forget about it. Imus then spun around and said that he doesn't know that much about the case. As he went along Imus said that he doesn't have any hard feelings toward Howard. He said he doesn't want anything bad to happen with SIRIUS because he actually bought stock. He then said that he knows he'll never be on satellite himself because he can't get anyone to listen to his show as it is. Howard thought that line was the funny one.
Howard said his problems with Imus are because of the way the guy treated him when he was at NBC with him. Imus hated him until he started to get some ratings back there. Howard said that JD is pulling some clips from that show to play later in the morning. The caller asked Howard if he could come in for the next roast or for a tour of the studio. Howard said that he's thinking about doing some of that stuff out in the lobby of SIRIUS. He wants a bigger crowd so that may be where they hold the next one after the Daniel Carver roast.
Howard was talking about how there were a bunch of people at the lunch yesterday that could have taped what went on. Sal, Shuli and Scott the Engineer were all there and none of them even thought about doing that. He said he was just trying to point out that they don't have to just concentrate on him with their news stories. Penny was waiting around to ask him about his tattoos that aren't going anywhere.
Artie said that they should create a political cartoon where 9/11 is going on in the background and Penny is asking someone about their tattoos. Howard said that Doug Goodstein walked over and took pictures of Penny balling. Doug said it was actually video and that was what Howard was listening to. Doug said that Ronnie was standing there laughing his ass off the whole time so he got a couple of shots of that as well. At one point you hear Penny tell Ronnie to shut up.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up a story about a hot teacher who was doing this 14 year old kid. Howard said that he finds it wrong when a male teacher does something to a young girl but when a 14 year old boy gets a hot, older chick, there's nothing wrong with that.
Howard played another audio clip from the Penny Crone crying thing. In this one you hear Penny Crying and Liz Aiello coming over to say that she's kind of pissed about the story being missed. Ronnie was standing there laughing in everyone's face. Doug Goodstein was taping it all and smiling as well. Howard said that they should have at least covered the part of the story about Scott going out to lunch on Artie's dime.
In the clip Howard was making fun of Penny for her tattoo questions. He said that he crumbles when he sees a woman crying so he felt really bad for Penny. Artie told Howard that he had to get off of coke because he got tired of seeing his mother cry. It was tough on him.
Ralph called in and said that Scott is such a bore. Gary came in and said that when Scott started working with them, he found out within 10 minutes that he was already in debt. He knew him for 5 minutes and he already knew that he didn't make much money. He started talking to him about that right away and hasn't stopped since. Artie said that talking to Scott is nothing like talking to Tony Robbins (motivational speaker). Howard said that Scott is like the opposite of a motivational speaker.
Artie said that Scott told him a classic story about how he once got a free toupee and the thing did nothing but irritate his head. Scott said that it would tear skin off his head every time he took it off. He had some snaps glued to his head and those things didn't work very well. The wig didn't look anywhere near real according to Ralph. Howard said that Scott eventually got rid of it after the company that gave it to him stopped paying for the maintenance on the thing. Scott didn't want to pay for it himself so he gave up on it.
Howard said that once Scott stopped wearing that thing he looked even more bald than he did before he got the toupee. He told Scott that it would be great if he started an ''Unmotivational Speaker'' business. He said that he could go around the country talking to people about being a loser. Howard turned on some echo and made a speech as Scott the Engineer talking to people about how they could be losers.
Ralph said that everyone there at SIRIUS is having a great time except for Scott. Scott told him that he's having a great time just like everyone else is. Robin said that someone asked Scott if he was going to be able to move faster there at SIRIUS than he did at K-Rock. Scott tried to do that for the first week but he eventually slowed down. Scott blamed that on an injured back.
Howard continued to do the Scott impression as if he were giving an ''Unmotivational'' speech. Scott said that his mother used to tell his family that they had a black cloud over them. Apparently she was right. Howard wondered why she would say something like that to the family. Just saying that might make someone depressed and force him to slouch over and start losing his hair. Scott said that when he was in his 20s it all started. He ended up getting divorced, losing his house and many other things. He said he started balding back then as well. Howard had to take a break so he wrapped up with Scott and had Fred play ''Scott From The Block'' as they went to commercial.
Howard had Judge Andrew Napolitano on the phone. He was on FOX news talking about the CBS lawsuit recently so Howard wanted to talk to him about that. He told Napolitano that he really appreciates him backing him up in this thing. Napolitano said that he thinks that the case is ridiculous because they let Howard talk about his move the whole time he was on.
Howard said that his whole compensation package was printed in the paper and nothing was kept secret about the deal he had. Napolitano agreed and said that's just another reason this case is ridiculous. Howard said that they're basically calling him a fraud in the suit and it's just not right. He asked Napolitano what the judge is going to think when he gets this case. Napolitano said that he thinks that Howard's lawyer should ask for the case to be dismissed because there are no damages here other than the fact that they lost someone who generated a lot of money for them.
Napolitano said that if he got this case, he would tell Mr. Stern that he has a good counter suit here. He would also confront them about printing his earnings in the paperwork for the suit. He said he would dismiss the case if it came in front of him. He said that he knows that Howard guards his privacy about his income and it appears that they included that information in the suit just to irritate Howard.
Howard asked Napolitano if there's any possibility that he could be the judge in the case for him. Napolitano laughed when he heard that and said that won't happen. He said that the case should be dismissed in 4-5 months. If it's not, Howard is going to go through about a year or two of discovery so he should try to get it dismissed as soon as possible so he can move on with his life.
Napolitano said that there are some judges out there who may want to keep this case in the news just so they get some notoriety. That's wrong but there are some people like that out there. Howard said he's hoping that the judge realizes that this could drain him dry. He has to take the money out of his own pocket while CBS has almost endless resources to pay for their lawyers.
Howard talked about Joel Hollander and attorney Steve Lehrman who came up with this case. They probably just flippantly came up with the case and didn't think about it ahead of time. Napolitano said that the suit wasn't very well written or thought out and he seems to agree with what Howard was saying about that. He told Howard that he really should have a good counter suit if the case is not dismissed.
Howard wondered if he could get Leslie Moonves put in jail. Napolitano said that won't happen. Howard said he prays that the judge in this case looks at all of this like Napolitano is. Napolitano told Howard that he would be more than willing to share his thoughts on this case with his lawyers at any time. He also said that he's glad to have Howard Stern as a new friend. Howard said that it's great that this guy read the whole case and found that there is no merit to it.
Robin said that it's great that he said that this was a poorly written lawsuit. Napolitano said that it's a very poorly thought out case and it shows in the paperwork. Howard said that even Jack Thompson, who was never a fan of his, has come out and said that this case has no merit. That's the kind of thing he likes to hear. Howard told Napolitano that he has been asked to stop talking about this stuff by sending him a legal letter. Napolitano said that there is no way that he can be restrained from talking about his own case.
Napolitano said that he is on FOX news every day at 5pm and he has a new book coming out in April called ''The Constitution in Exile : How the Federal Government Has Seized Power by Rewriting the Supreme Law of the Land.'' Howard thanked him for calling in and let him go. He continued to talk about the case and how he knows the person who drafted the suit. He said that Leslie Moonves doesn't know that much about the suit and had to have things explained to him when he was in a meeting with them. Howard thinks that once the case is dismissed, a lot of heads are going to roll over there at CBS.
Howard had some audio clips of Leslie Moonves acting in ''The Six Million Dollar Man.'' The clip was from 1977 and Leslie plays a part in this one scene and Gary said that it sounds like his teeth were even getting in the way back then. Howard said that he used to watch that show back then. Artie said he was probably watching it too but he was only 9 years old, they were like 28. Howard played the clip and recognized Les' voice immediately. As Howard was listening in, he sarcastically said ''what a great scene.'' He was also goofing on his horrible delivery and the fact that he wasn't able to say ''Neuro physicist'' because his teeth were getting in the way.
Artie said there was a CBS event where Les was playing the part of The Godfather and had a bunch of other people on the network coming up to him as if he were the real Godfather. Howard said that the guy is a phony trying to play the part of a CEO now. He doesn't believe that the guy can pull off that part.
That led to Howard saying that he was finally introduced to Ashley the hot intern. He said they introduced her to him and he said hello not knowing that she was known as the ''hot'' one so they had to tell him that. He said it was kind of awkward because there were other interns around at the time. He went to commercial break a short time later.
Robin isn't into the ''You're Beautiful'' song but Howard said it's not that bad. He said he has a problem with the video though. He explained how the guy comes walking out, takes his sneakers off, then his socks and then his shirt. At that point he's out of there. He said the video is kind of gay and he's not into that. The guy eventually jumps into the ocean and he's not sure why that is. He said it must be some kind of cleansing or something but he's not sure.
Howard and Robin spent some time talking about American Idol and what a mess Paula Abdul seems to be. They also talked about the contestants on the show and how there are a few people who just don't belong on there. Fred came in and asked Howard if he and Robin really take that show seriously. Howard and Robin do take it kind of seriously but Fred thinks that if they were looking for a real American Idol, they wouldn't have a kid on there who looks like a Martian. Howard told Fred that his segment was already over so he wanted to move on to other things.
Howard replayed the prank call that they made using clips of Robert De Niro to call a guy. They got the guy all freaked out and pissed off at the audio clips. Howard then played an ''Ask the Retards'' clip where Wendy the Retard and Gary the Retard are asked a question about getting diarrhea during a woman's period. The two retards were arguing with each other and Wendy eventually hung up on Gary because he was calling her names.
Bethenny said she's not bitter but the way she was talking about everything made it sound like she was. That's the way Howard felt about it. Bethenny said that she never received a letter from Martha even though Martha claims she sent one to everyone. Howard said that Martha was claiming that she sent letters to everyone. Bethenny said she never received one though.
Howard asked Bethenny why she went on The Apprentice. She said that she wanted to see if she could make it through the whole thing, she didn't do it to get famous. Gary came in and said that she was an actress before so she must be trying to get famous. She said that she was in one B-movie years ago but that was about it. She said that she was topless in that one. Howard said it sounds like she was trying to get famous from The Apprentice.
Howard read that Bethenny once asked President Clinton to touch her to get some of his positive energy. He thought that was kind of odd. Bethenny said that she did get a hand shake from him and then told him he had spinach in his teeth.
Howard said he didn't find anything all that interesting about her. She did tell him that the house that he used to own was the house she used to live in when she was younger. Howard said she was hot back when he saw her because he did remember meeting her at the house before he bought it. Other than that there wasn't anything all that interesting about this chick.
Howard took some calls from guys who wanted her taken off the air because she was boring. Howard gave her a plug for her baking company that you can find out more about at BethennyBakes.com
Howard was kind of upset with Gary for booking her as a guest because she wasn't all that interesting. Howard said that if they were a TV show, they could just edit out the bad guests. Gary said that he thought that there could be some interesting stuff there but it just didn't work out.
Howard played some audio from Sal and Richard trying to feed Beet the letters but Beet wasn't listening, he was getting confused and wasn't able to spell the words even though Richard was telling him what to spell. Sal and Richard were also feeding him the lines he was saying about Artie being a guinea and stuff like that.
Howard said he thought that Beet was saying his own racial slurs but it was actually Sal and Richard feeding him the lines. Beet was coming up with some of his own stuff after Sal and Richard would get him started.
Howard said that Dice was last on the show in 1997 so it's been 9 years already. He was on the show one time and didn't do all that well. Then Dice went out and started badmouthing Howard saying that he thought he was off his game a bit that day. He was basically blaming Howard for his own bad appearance. Howard said things got kind of viscous back then and they stopped talking to him.
It was time to stop having him on the show because he wasn't doing that well selling out shows and he was bad mouthing him on other shows. He let him go off on his own to die. Howard said they did have a friendship years ago but he wasn't really sure why he was in that friendship. He said that he went house hunting with Dice one time and he was acting kind of strange that day. He was kind of embarrassed by that and he wasn't able to stop him from doing what he was doing. He ended up bailing out on that because it was really bothering him that Dice was acting the way he was.
Gary said that he spoke to Dice for about an hour the day he got a call from him. He definitely wants to come in and talk all of this stuff out. Howard said that he does take offense to the guy saying that he's off his game when it's not necessarily his fault. Gary said that Dice will address all of that when he comes in tomorrow.
Robin wondered if they're going to have ''Dice'' or Andrew when he comes in tomorrow. Gary thinks that they're going to get Andrew because that's the person he spoke to on the phone. He wasn't doing his character while he talked to him. Howard said that's the guy he would rather talk to anyway. He doesn't want the character. He said that's why he used to avoid talking to pro wrestlers because they were always doing a character. He said he liked having Hulk Hogan on recently because he was being real.
Gary said that Dice is coming in to just talk things out and he's not even looking to plug stuff. Howard said that any guest he has can come in and plug stuff so he doesn't have a problem with him plugging stuff.
The caller asked Howard about his plan to crush Les Moonves. Howard said that he's got more plans for that coming up but he's not talking about what his plans are right now. He will be dealing with it though. Another caller told Howard that the last two radio shows have been the greatest. She loved Artie doing his Godfather stuff and she loved the Mike Walker fart song and wondered why it wasn't in the Top 5 Songs. She was also telling Howard to tell Sal to stop jerking off there at work. Howard said that the human resources department there said that it can't happen at all or they're going to have to get rid of Sal.
Howard ended up talking about how Sal and Richard have a mess in their office and he really wants them to clean that up. He asked Gary to make that happen today. He said that anything that's on the floor is to be thrown out and they should have the interns go in there and toss it all. That should teach them a lesson. Howard said that Dr. Sal Calabro stopped by so he had to do a commercial break before bringing him in.
Howard said hello to Natalie who was there to show off her body. She won her implants on a game show they did back at K-Rock with John the Stutterer. She cried and they caved in and gave her the implants even though she didn't really win. She went from an A-cup to a C-cup. He was checking out her pictures on Sal's web site SalCalabro.com. She's now working at Scores making some good money. Natalie said that Dr. Calabro did a great job but she had been working there already.
Howard asked to see Natalie's boobs so she took down her top and showed everyone what she had. Dr. Sal said that he went out with the girls last night and had Leighanne with him. Howard spent a minute talking to her about her implants. She went from an AA-cup to a C-cup. Dr. Sal said that he had a hard time separating all of the girls from each other last night. A couple of them were making out with each other. Howard said he was having trouble following the stories though. He told Leighanne that she looked great after the surgery.
Dr. Sal said that he went out with the girls to the W Hotel and the crazy stuff started there. The girls were comparing their breasts and whipping them out in the lobby. He said that Leighanne has a problem with her labia so she was showing him and asking if she'd be a good candidate for a labiaplasty. Howard asked to see her boobs and when she showed them, he said that they were very nice. She also had some work done on her ass so Howard checked that out and said it looks great. He could see some camel toe showing and told her that it looked fine from where he was seeing it. She didn't want to show it to Howard though. Dr. Sal said that she is a good candidate for that procedure.
Howard asked to see the 'vagine' but Leighanne said that she only wanted Howard to see it if she does show it. Howard gave up and moved on to Christine who got her implants after playing Dildo Baseball. He heard that she was complaining about him being mean to her when she was on the show. She played some music for him when she was on and Howard hated it. She said she went in and remastered it. She said they took off a lot of the effects on the vocals and changed it around. Gary remembered her crying when she left the show when she was on that time. She said she was kind of upset about it when she was on so she did cry.
Howard played one of Christine's songs as she was dancing along to it. Howard said he thinks she wasted her time remaking the song because it's still not that great. He wondered if he could tell her what he really thinks without her crying. She said that she could take it and it's okay if it's not his thing. Christine said that there are a lot of people out there who like Nine Inch Nails that might be fans of this kind of music. Howard said he wasn't hearing anything close to Nine Inch Nails there. She said that there were a lot of his fans that actually did like it though. Howard played some more of the song and wondered if he could throw in Mike Walker's conga and fart sound effects. She didn't want him to do that but he went right ahead and did it. He liked it with those sounds in there. Christine told him that he sucks but then said that she really loves him.
Howard told Christine to get out of the music biz. He doesn't think she's that great of a singer but Robin actually liked her sound. Christine and Leighanne were doing a little kissing last night according to Dr. Sal. He also said that there was some touching going on but the girls were denying that part. He said that their panties were pulled aside and they were in the position to do that. Dr. Calabro had quite a night last night.
Irish John called in and asked if Dr. Sal ran out when he heard that shitty music. He was still there. Howard asked if he could see Christine's boobs but she was hesitating until he said that he would play number 2 from her album. Artie told Howard he'd give him a thousand bucks if he didn't play the song. He had to tell Christine that he was just kidding. She quickly showed off her boobs and then covered back up.
A caller told Howard that he thought Christine's music sucked. She said that was fine because that's his opinion. Another caller said it sounded like psychedelic porn sung by Debbie Schlussel. Howard asked the girls who was going to get on the Sybian. Dr. Sal said that Leighanne might get on it but she said she would never do that. Howard was going to wrap up after that but they were still trying to get one of the girls to get on the Sybian. Natalie said she might do it if she didn't have to take her pants down.
Natalie finally agreed to do it if she could have one of the girls hold her hand as she did it. Howard had her go over and asked her to tell them how it felt as she was riding the Sybian. Dr. Sal said that he took close to three quarts of fat out of her. She showed off her new ass and Howard told her that she owes him big time for that. She got on the Sybian and Howard described to the guys what she looked like. They started her off at about 20 percent power. She asked for it to be jacked up right away. She asked for more and more but said that she can't have an orgasm on TV. Howard told her she has to give it a try. She and Leighanne were kissing a little bit while she was sitting on the thing.
The power was jacked up higher and higher and she said it was feeling really good. Howard told her to close her eyes and just try to get into it. She kept getting up because it was too intense for her. Natalie said that she wanted Leighanne to get on there and maybe they'll get her the free labiaplasty. Howard told Dr. Sal not to give her the surgery unless she gets on the machine. Sal said that he wouldn't do it if Howard doesn't want him to.
Leighanne was starting to cry because they wouldn't give her the operation. Howard said it was a simple thing, ride the Sybian, get the operation. She wasn't going to do it so Howard wrapped up with everyone. He gave Dr. Sal a plug for his web site, SalCalabro.com, and thanked him for being such a good friend to the show.
Howard gave Christine a plug for her band and web site DeathBeforeDancing.com. He played a little more of her music and said that the songs kind of sound the same to him. Benjy said he was kind of liking her music but he would never buy an album of that stuff. Artie was digging one song that Howard played. Christine had a bunch of suggestions for the songs that he should play. Howard didn't seem to be into any of them though. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he heard that Penny Crone and Ronnie were getting into it out in the hall but he's not going to get suckered into that. He said that all of these people have stories until they come in the studio. The guys were talking about the girls who were in with Dr. Sal and how they were all clamming up and not talking about what went on last night with Dr. Sal. Howard said he's figured out that you can't have more than 1 girl in at a time. When you have three girls in the studio, they all start to clam up.
Howard said he thinks he could have gotten the Labia chick on the Sybian if he could have made her work for the labiaplasty thing. He's not sure he wants to bring girls in like that anymore. He did have fun making fun of Christine's music though. He said he may be getting old and that's why the music didn't sound good to him. It didn't sound that good to Artie either so it might not be his age.
Howard realized that he does know something about music because he knows that the Top 5 Songs he played earlier are all gay and suck. All of the guys agreed that those songs were all awful but Robin told them that they're sounding like their own parents saying that the music is no good and sounds the same.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the girls were a complete waste of time. Howard said he knows, but he tried.
Howard played another clip where a news reporter accidentally called an upcoming guest ''gay'' when she mean to say that he was ''blind.'' Howard played it over and over again trying to figure out how she went from 'gay' to 'blind.'
Howard said there was another report he had where a couple of reporters were talking about SIRIUS having 4 million subscribers. One of the reporters said that he had to agree with the other reporter when she said that the Howard Stern effect would eventually wear off. Howard picked that apart and said that people have always said stuff like that about his career. He said they always try to talk down the hype like he's not going to succeed. Howard said that they've had 700,000 new subscribers in the past 2 months. He replayed the news report and said that all of these anchor guys are jealous. If it was anyone else in show business, they'd be backing the hype and saying that they're amazing.
Artie said that he had The Honeymooners memorized and loved one scene where Norton and Ralph got loaded on grape juice. He said it was mostly visual though. He did remember some of the lines though and told them to Howard. He was giving Howard all of the details of the scene and reciting the lines to him. Howard wasn't laughing but Artie told him he has to see it.
Artie went into another Godfather scene since Howard loves them so much. He did each character and said their lines as if he were reading them from the script. After the scene he said that's what he does instead of playing the guitar.
Fred played a clip from The Godfather so that got the guys talking about the movie and just how great it was. They were also talking about the actor who played Fredo and how he was only in 5 movies but they were all nominated for Academy Awards. Howard asked Artie to reenact some of Fredo's scenes for him so he went right into a couple of them. Howard was loving it.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Artie to give his favorite Odd Couple scenes. Artie said that people may not remember that stuff because it's not as well known as The Godfather. He did recite a few lines for the woman though.
Artie said that he's heard that Angeldust is the worst drug for making people go nuts. He said he accidentally did some himself one time. Robin knew of one guy who ripped out his own eyes when he was on that stuff. Artie said he never smoked that stuff but he had a couple of buddies who did it all the time. He said he didn't get really high off the stuff himself.
Howard said he thought he had good drug stories until he heard the nut sack story and the eye story. He said that Artie might go crazy and watch an episode of ''The Gilmore Girls'' if he was on Angeldust. Jimmy said that the guy who ripped open his ball sack was trying to pull his penis off as well. They stopped in before he did that though.
Howard said that medical science is amazing because they can actually reattach body parts like a penis and a nut. He said that he's so lazy that he wouldn't even be bothered trying to reattach something like that if he were a doctor. He said he would probably just throw the ball in the sack and wish for the best. He let Jimmy go after that and thanked him for the story.
Howard said that he took some acid when he was younger and had some wild trips when he went to see 2001 A Space Odyssey. He said that turned him off to drugs except for the few more times that he smoked pot. He said he had some Ludes about 7 years ago after his divorce. He said that he was dating a girl who got a hold of some and he really didn't get a high. The chick ended up getting the runs after taking it so he had to jerk off that night.
Howard took a call from a woman down in Tampa, Florida and it was a nice 75 degrees down there. Robin was just down in Miami last weekend and said that she stayed on Fisher Island. Howard said he would like to be down there in Florida but he's got his kids up in New York. He said that the other reason is that they have a lot of celebrities come through New York. He said he would prefer to live down in Tampa during the winter but Artie seems to be more into the New York area.
Howard said he had a great idea to do a road trip where they just drive for a week. They would just drive and tape it. Artie thought it would be cool to do a show from some other place, not necessarily Vegas. That led to them talking about the tour that Howard was planning to do before they left the old station. That was another ''great'' idea that never went anywhere.
The woman on the phone said that Artie should do a competition where other people try to out Godfather Artie with an ''Artfather'' segment. Artie said that there are plenty of other people who know that movie better than he does. The woman also said that she's kind of worried about Artie getting so big these days. Howard said that he's trying to look like John Belushi, his hero.
The woman said that she has a friend that just had to have both of his testicles removed because of cancer. She said that he's got to take testosterone pills every day of the rest of his life now. Howard was wondering if the guy can shoot any juice out of there. Robin said there would be some kind of seminal fluid that would come out. Howard wondered if he can even get a rod after losing the balls. She said that he can still have sex though.
Jon Hein was there as well to give a Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking to Fred on today's show. They'll also be talking about the Scott Salem curse. Jon said that Fred is great on the show and they can't shut him up once he starts talking. Jon said that Scott will also be coming in to talk about his curse. Richard and Sal will be talking about working with Beetlejuice on the show yesterday and about some music pitches that have happened on the show over the years.
Steve the Intern came in with a preview of tonight's Intern Show. He said that they'll be talking to Will Murray about how he used to be an intern on the Stern Show. They have Ashley the hot intern returning to the show as well.
Howard got in some plugs for Bubba's show and for some other shows that they have airing on Howard 100 and 101 these days. He also read some notes from JumpTheShark.com about The Sopranos latest episode. After going through that stuff he had to take another commercial break.
Howard said that live radio is tough sometimes and the girls that came in with Dr. Calabro proved that. He said it was like pulling teeth with those girls. He said he did have some fun with the chick playing her music. The other girls were nice but they didn't have much to say. He said that his favorite part of the show is when they're just hanging out and talking about stuff.
Howard said that Gary has been asking him about the George Takei thing but they're so busy that he's not sure they could fit him in. Then he was thinking that they should just take the attitude that he's allowed to come back in any time. Gary said that the only day that might be a problem is the day they do the roast because they have Evil Dave sitting in that morning. The guys were trying to figure out what to do with Dave and/or George. Gary said that maybe they should just have George sit in on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Howard said that George should be there for the whole week.
Gary said that rescheduling Evil Dave might be a problem because he has to work things out with his employer way ahead of time. Howard seemed a bit irritated that Evil Dave would be a problem but Gary assured him that he would work things out. They'll have George Takei in all week and reschedule Dave for another time. Howard had Robin start her news after that discussion.
A woman called in during the news and told Howard that he might want to set up the Sybian in a closet or somewhere like that so the girls can have some privacy. That might help them relax. Howard said he was talking about setting up some mood lighting for them. As the woman was getting off the phone she gave a shout out to her ''Jew friend'' which sounded kind of odd to the guys. Artie goofed on her for a minute after she got off the line.
The guys were talking about their screwed up childhoods during the news and Fred had some pretty horrible stories about the way his grandfather treated him and his mother. A short time later they were talking about who had the worst childhood out of everyone on the show. Robin was right up at the top of Howard's list because her father messed around with her when she was a little kid. Robin said she wasn't raped or anything but he did fondle her. She said that was a one time thing and Fred had many problems with his father. Robin's father did kiss her in a sexual way about 6 or 7 times according to her so that brought her right back up to the top of the list again.
Howard thinks that Robin has blocked out many of the things her father actually did to her. Robin said that she was fully aware and doesn't need to bring back any lost memories. Howard said that Robin and Fred were right up there at number 1 and 2. Artie thinks that Howard would be number 3 on the list. Howard said that Gary would be right up there as well. He said that Gary should be really messed up but he's actually pretty normal. Howard listed the people who had the most messed up lives in order of the worst first. Robin, Fred, Gary... Then maybe himself. He said his childhood wasn't so bad compared to everyone else's. They ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started off the show talking about a story he read about a radio guy who got fired for saying something racial on his show. He read through the article and found that the guy was let go after saying something about Condoleeza Rice. He got a hold of the tape and listened to it himself. After hearing it he's thinking that it's a publicity stunt. In the clip the guy is talking to a caller and ended up calling her ''big coon'' but it sounded like he said that accidentally. It sounded like he was going to say that it would be a ''big boon'' but it came out wrong.
Howard said that they had the CEO of the company come on and tell everyone why they had to fire this guy Dave Lenahan. He apologized to the listeners and to Condoleeza. The guy said that they had to fire him and said that he will not be coming back.
Howard pointed out that the guy could have been saying something other than what it sounded like he was saying. Robin didn't think the guy was being racist at all. Howard said the guy responded and said that he never meant to say that word and he never uses it in his discussions.
Artie remembered the time that Rush Limbaugh slipped and called Mayor Nagin ''Mayor Nager'' one time. He didn't get fired for that. Fred tried to find the clip to play for everyone but he wasn't having any luck. He found another clip and played that just to hear the Rush Limbaugh voice since Artie was already goofing on him. In the clip he was playing Rush was talking about Howard Stern so they tried to listen in. Howard wondered how anyone can listen to that show because it's so boring. Rush was talking about ''real censorship'' and brushing off the fact that Howard was taken off of a few stations and bringing up the fact that his show was going to be taken off of Armed Forces radio. Howard said that's because there was some controversy about not having his show on Armed Forces radio and someone pointed out that Rush's whacked out thoughts are being broadcast on that service while Howard's aren't.
Robin thinks that people who are listening to Rush are people who tuned into his show 20 years ago and got paralyzed so they can't change their station. Howard went on to goof on Rush and how he still looks fat and if you pierced his head, gravy would probably run out of it. He and Artie goofed on Rush for a few more minutes.
Benjy said that the same station that fired the guy for using the ''coon'' word also talks about the Cleveland Indians and some American Indians find that stuff offensive. That was his point but Howard didn't get it.
Gary came in with the audio that Howard was looking for earlier where Rush said ''nager'' instead of ''Nagin.'' It wasn't in their computer system for some reason but Gary wouldn't say why. Howard quickly played the clip and then took a phone call.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who got the guys talking about the warm weather. Howard said that he heard that Robin has been going down to Florida quite a bit lately and it turns out she has a big boat down there. He said he heard stories from his dentist who told him that the boat is huge and she could use it as a cruise ship because it's so big. He's now wondering if that's going to last as long as her horse hobby did.
Robin said that she's thought about having a boat for a long time. Howard pointed out that she doesn't even know how to swim though. She said she can use a life jacket then. She would walk around on deck with that on all the time. Howard reminded everyone how Robin got into the deep end of her pool one time and wasn't able to swim. She ended up at the bottom of the pool flailing around. She was able to make her way out but she could have easily drowned.
Robin said that she's always had friends who have boats so she's always liked them. Howard said that he's been out on boats with people and it's never fun. Dominic Barbara almost killed someone one time. He asked Robin why she doesn't join Siegfried and Roy and start taming lions.
Howard said he read about Oprah Winfrey appointing someone ''Chief of Staff'' like she's the President. Howard said he would love to have someone like that. He has a couple of people like Gary and Laura, his assistant, who could be his Chief of Staff.
Howard mentioned that his web site is a mess still and he hasn't heard back from his web site guy Doug in a few days. He said the site is kind of depressing and he can't figure it out. Artie said he heard from an 11 year old kid he knows who said that his site could be much better.
Howard said that he did an interview with Josh from Entertainment Weekly yesterday and it seemed to go well but you never know what's going to come out in the article. He's done other interviews where he's spent like an hour with a guy and the interview comes out and it's nothing about what they talked about. He spent a couple of minutes talking about what Josh asked him yesterday.
Jason came in and said he read the article about that guy and saw that he was only working at the station for 2 weeks before he got fired. Jason's eyes were watering when he came in because he had just put drops in them. He said that he had gotten some touch up surgery done on his eyes so he had to keep them wet.
Gary had the guy Dave Lenahan on the line a few minutes later. He told Howard he's 38 years old but he's only been doing radio for about 3 years now. He said he was given a shot on one of the bigger stations and that's how he ended up where he was. Howard said that the comment Dave made was not offensive in any way. Dave said that he was actually trying to say ''Coup in the NFL'' but he ended up mixing the N in there and that's why he got fired.
Dave said that the word Coon wasn't even in his thought process until it came out the way it did. He said he's met Condoleeza Rice before and he likes her. Howard told him that maybe he should have corrected himself on the air and let his audience know what he was trying to say.
Dave said that he doesn't believe that he should have been fired. He wasn't really defending himself though. Howard asked him why he wasn't trying to fight this because it seems like it's kind of fake to him. Dave said that it's not a publicity stunt or anything like that.
Howard seems to think that this guy is accepting this whole firing like he actually did something wrong when he didn't. Dave said that the problem is that he's not sure what to do here. Howard told him that he should release a statement about the situation and explain to everyone what he was actually saying instead of just accepting it. He's been accused of being a racist and he should be fighting back. Dave hasn't issued a statement but Howard thinks he definitely should.
Dave told Howard that one year ago, on the same day, he was involved in a car accident that almost killed him. Howard said he could use that as an excuse and say that he got bonked on the head and that made the word ''coon'' come out. Howard asked Dave if the station employs a lot of black people. Dave said he's not really sure and he's not sure if they have any black guys doing air shifts. Howard told him that if they don't have any blacks working for them, he should release a statement about them being racists for not hiring blacks. Dave said he can't do that.
Howard asked Dave how they told him he was fired. He said that during the 11 o'clock break they called him into the office and told him he was gone. Howard said that the real headline should be that the station that fired him over a racial comment isn't hiring any black people. Dave mentioned he was thinking about running for congress so Howard told him that he should be going after them a little harder.
Howard took a call from a guy who had forgotten what he was going to say because he had been on hold so long. A couple of other callers said that this guy really needs to get some balls. If he's not a racist he should be defending himself a little more. One guy found it hard to believe that this guy wanted to run for congress yet he can't defend himself against claims that he's racist. A woman called in and told him that he really needs to grow a set of balls.
Dave put his wife Karen on the phone to talk to Howard. Howard told her that this guy was fired for something so ridiculous but he's not defending himself. He asked her if she was black because that would be perfect if she was. She isn't so Howard asked her to put on some black makeup and pretend to be black. She told Howard that her husband never says that word and he loves Condoleeza so he shouldn't have been fired.
Howard asked Karen if her husband gives it to her good because he seems like a bit of a wimp. She said that he actually does. He wondered if she's a hot chick but she wouldn't say if she was or not so Howard figured she was. He spent a couple more minutes talking to her about all of that stuff. Howard thinks that she should tell her husband to get out there and defend himself better. It's obvious that he didn't mean to say anything racist and Dave should be telling everyone that.
Howard got Dave back on the line and took some more phone calls for him. One guy said that he can't believe this guy was fired. King of All Blacks called in and said that people are afraid of the NAACP and that's why they will fire someone for making an honest mistake like this guy did. Howard had Fred play some inspirational music while he gave Dave a speech about what he should be doing to defend himself. He told Dave that he has to make a decision to do something because he's making him sick by sitting back and taking it. Howard told him to fight back and to let them know how he's doing. He told him to call back in 3 days and let them know how his fight is going. Artie said that he should go wash his vagina now. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that New York City's air has the highest cancer risk according to an article in the paper today. He interrupted that discussion when he and Artie started doing their Dice impressions. Howard played some audio of Dice going off on someone on CNN when he was being interviewed. He ended up using the F-word and cursed the guy out when he was asked if he was running a gym. Artie thought that was pretty funny. Howard said he thought the clip he played yesterday from CNN when they had a fire in the studio was pretty good. He replayed that one where the reporters had to bail out of the studio because they had a fire in there.
Howard had another clip that he had played yesterday where a female reporter said that a mountain climber was gay when she really meant to say that he was blind. That was a big mistake. While that was playing Artie was doing his Dice impression and goofing on the reporter. He said he didn't think he was going to be able to stop doing the impression as the morning goes on.
Howard wondered what was going to happen when Dice comes in. He wondered if Dice was going to come in and start yelling at him or just sit back and talk about this stuff. Artie said that Jim Florentine still opens up for Dice and he seems to think that Dice feels bad about what went down so he probably won't be fighting.
Howard said they both have short fuses so there's no telling what will happen when he does come in. He said that Dice blamed him for the one bad appearance almost 10 years ago and it really wasn't his fault.
Robin got back to her boat discussion and said that Morgan Freeman actually inspired her to buy the boat she got. She said that he learned how to sail a boat late in life so she figured she could get into that stuff late in her life. She said she wants to sail by herself down to the Bahamas and that's what she's preparing for. She said she has an automatic pilot thing that will help her get there. Howard and the guys asked her what she's going to do when that equipment breaks. She said that she's been practicing driving the boat and pulling it into the dock and stuff when she goes down to Florida.
Howard went through some of his notes and talked about some of the stuff he's been talking about today and yesterday. He brought up Barry Manilow again since he had talked about how creepy he is on yesterday's show. He then said that he thinks that Lloyd Grove is the greatest reporter. All of these years he's been saying that he was horrible but now he has to say that he's done some amazing reporting. Grove wrote an article that says that Howard is completely bald and wears a wig and/or has hair plugs. Howard said that every radio guy out there is jealous of him because they're all bald and fat and he's not. Grove printed the article and didn't do any research so he's a great reporter (sarcasm?). He said that he has been exposed for the bald man that he really is.
Howard said there's a picture of Carmen Electra and Courtney Love in the paper almost making out. He said that a lot of tabloids are saying that Carmen and Dave Navarro's marriage is on the rocks now as well. He saw an article about Dwight Gooden who is back in jail for admitting that he was using drugs again. He went to his probation officer and told him that he was back on the stuff so they had to put him back in jail.
Howard brought up Mike Walker's fart again and played the clip of Mike ripping one when he thought he wasn't on the air. Artie said that it sounds like he farted on a duck or something. That fart inspired a new song to the tune of ''My Sharona.'' They also have that fart mixed in with a bunch of other songs as well. Howard played a few of those and had Artie laughing his ass off.
Gary said that Ronnie was being himself out there but Scott was the one who came to life. Ronnie said that Scott was upset that he didn't get a business card like he did. That's his curse following him around once again. Artie said that if the guy gave Scott a card, his car probably wouldn't start ever again.
Ronnie told Howard that he has to get into this NASCAR stuff because that's what his fans like. Howard said that Bubba had this guy Tony Stewart on his show yesterday and you'd think that he was the President or something. Gary said he was listening to the show and Bubba was treating him like royalty. They were talking about painting a truck ''Home Depot Orange'' so Howard said that's real white trash talk.
Howard wrapped up that discussion because he had Dice coming in next. He wondered how things will go. Scott thinks that Dice will end up remaining a foe of the show. Ronnie thinks that Dice wants to be a friend. Fred said he thinks he will start off trying to be a friend but he will end up leaving a foe. Robin thinks he'll be a good guest and may be booked again.
Gary said that Dice had asked him to clear the room so it was only Howard and Robin in the studio. He's pretty sure that won't happen though. Howard went to break right after that.
Lisa said that they'll be covering a comedy competition that Artie is involved in. The Superfan Roundtable is also on tonight at 7pm so Lisa got in a plug for that. Howard let her go after that.
Dice said that he's been listening to the show, he never stopped. Dice was kind of uncomfortable. Howard quickly moved on and asked Dice about how he's no longer married. Dice said that he didn't come there to talk about that stuff. He said that he was the one who called the show to come back in and talk to Howard about what went on with them. He said that they did fight years ago but he was still listening to the show and enjoying it. He knew it was screwed up.
Dice said that their lives have kind of paralleled over the years as far as the controversy and the marriages failing. Dice said that he tried to get on the show in the past but it was turned down. Dice said that his previous manager told him that they didn't want Dice on the show. He didn't believe his management but Gary told Howard that they did discuss having him on and Howard turned it down. Dice said that was fine, he doesn't have a problem with that.
Dice went on to say that he thinks that other people getting in between them is what brought their friendship and maybe their marriages to an end. Howard wondered who came between them. Dice said it was different friends in his life that poisoned his relationship with his wife. They would tell her stuff that wasn't true but he didn't want to get into that on the air because he's still going through stuff. Dice said that he was still in love with his wife all the way to the end but she wanted to end it. He said that he believes that she had a lot of animosity toward him.
Dice said that he's got a girlfriend right now and he really loves her but they have problems as well. He said that she thinks that it's okay to be ''friends'' with other guys and he doesn't believe that's possible. She used to be a waitress at the Comedy Store and she got a call from a guy she dated for a while. He said that he asked her not to talk to ex-boyfriends so they ended up getting into a fight. Howard said he knows what he's talking about because he does the same thing. He cuts himself off from having relationships with other women when he's involved in a relationship.
Howard said that it seems to him that Dice seems to have a short fuse after listening to the CNN clip he listened to earlier. Dice said the guy was unprepared for that interview and he didn't want to sit through it so he went off on him. Dice said that he's never been able to behave in his life so when this guy on CNN was talking the way he was, he ended up cursing and going off on the guy. He said that was better than giving him the beating he could have given him. Howard thought that maybe he should have talked to the guy and telling him what he was thinking.
Dice said that when he first came on Howard's show, Howard wasn't the guy that everyone knows today. He knew that Howard was going to be huge back then because he was asking real questions. He said that people ended up getting between them and that's what he was trying to say earlier about the relationship thing. He said that even his parents could get between he and his wife. He said that he would defend his wife to the end and actually sent his parents home one time because of a fight they got into.
Dice said that he thought about the fight they had and he thinks it wasn't them, it was what came between them. He was being a bit cryptic so Howard asked Dice why he got angry. Dice said that he came in the studio that time and he was very excited about coming in. He was in the studio a couple of minutes and Howard went right to the phones. He wondered why he was doing that so soon into the interview. Dice just wanted to hang with Howard and have fun with him.
Dice said he got a call from Chaunce Hayden that day after the show and he made some comments about how he didn't like how Howard went to the phones. Then Dice was shooting a show for UPN and he was listening to the radio and heard Howard going nuts on him. He remembered calling Gary and asking him when the war was going to start. He knew it was coming so he actually showered and went into his guest house so he could yell at Howard. He said that's when they both got on the air and fought. It was all because of the comments that were made by someone else (Chaunce).
Howard said that at the time he had Dice on a few times in recent weeks and a couple of them were kind of tame so he was going to hold off on having him on for a while. He told Gary he didn't want to say no to Dice coming on but he knew that they weren't having a good interview. That's why he went to the phones that day. He thought that maybe they might have something that he didn't that day. Howard didn't think that the appearance was that good that day and that's where all of that came from. Dice said that he could have been off himself because he was going through a lot of stuff with his wife back then.
Howard said that he remembers when Dice was doing a TV show and he was kind of caught between two worlds. He remembers telling Gary that he didn't think the interview went well that day but then he read the article that Chaunce wrote. That's when Dice went off on Howard and he took it very personal. He said he would take some of the responsibility for the interview but not all of it. When he saw the public attack on him, he went off on Dice. That's when Howard started saying that Dice was unfunny and washed up. Dice was saying the same things about Howard.
Dice said that the article was a shit article (by Chaunce) in a shit magazine (Steppin' Out). He said that the guy knows how to push people's buttons and that's exactly what he was doing with that article. Dice told Howard that he remembers when he used to call Howard years ago and how he used to love annoying people in his life. He said that he and Howard would actually make prank calls together on the phone.
Howard remembered that and how Dice would call him with prank calls to listen to while he and Hottub Johnny would make them. Howard said they were great calls and he wishes that he had the tapes of them. Dice said that Howard would have to get up at 4 in the morning and he would tell him he had to go. Dice said he would beg Howard to stay on the phone to listen because he knew that he could keep him on the phone. It was actually Howard who was the target. Howard would finally hang up and Dice would be on his floor rolling around laughing his ass off about keeping Howard on the line so long.
Dice also talked about going house hunting with Howard and how they were having a great time goofing around in the houses they were looking at. Dice said that he would pull up to a house and not like what it looked like outside and would refuse to go in at all. He said that Howard would beg him to go in and look at it just to be nice to the real estate agent.
Dice was going to buy a house out on Long Island and he ended up getting freaked out when he saw some voo doo dolls in the lawyer's office. Dice said that the house was 7500 square feet and the house was being foreclosed on and it was pretty cheap for what he was getting. They went to the lawyer's office to fill out the paperwork. Howard got a call beforehand and told him that he was going to get out of the deal. Dice said that he went to do the contract and the office was all dark brown and he hates dark brown. There were some little voo doo dolls lining his shelves as well. He said he was living in Brooklyn at the time and actually loved it there. He said he was home that night thinking about how he can't take that house. He told his wife about the dolls and backed out of the deal.
Howard said he got the call from the real estate broker but he wanted out of the whole thing at that point. The broker told Howard that the lawyer had brought back some African art, that's what the dolls were. Dice didn't care at that point, he had already decided that the dolls were voo doo dolls. Dice lost out on the deal because they got another $50,000 for it. Howard said that place is probably worth $10 million now and Dice could have had it for $950,000.
Dice said he was also kind of freaked out by the stairs in the place because of the way they were laid out. Dice said he bought a house in New Jersey shortly after that but that place was haunted. Robin said that she remembers Howard talking about how crazy he was being driven by Dice and how he wanted out of the friendship.
Howard told another story about meeting Dice in a parking lot to go looking at houses and Dice was goofing on a guy who was standing nearby. He was demanding directions for how to get to the place they were looking for. Dice said the guy may have been a little crippled out but that makes him laugh.
Howard asked Dice about his relationship with Sam Kinison. Dice said that he will have that in the book that he's working on which he's going to call ''The Filthy Truth.'' he said that he hasn't sold the book yet but he's got stories about Kinison and about Howard. He said that Sam had a great career and he ruined it by just talking about him on stage. He thought that Kinison was the greatest and he thinks that Sam didn't even know he was ruining his career by talking about him so much.
Dice said that there is only one comic out there who can do what he used to do by selling out huge arenas. That comic is Dane Cook. Now Dice hears other comics goofing on the guy because they're jealous. They call him a thief and stuff like that but it's just jealousy. He said he supports Dane Cook because he knows what he's going through. He went through the same shit back in his day.
Howard asked Dice about his feud with Pauly Shore. Dice said that when he and his wife split up he was filming himself and started filming some of the comics over at The Comedy Store. He started calling it ''The Show'' and it was going to be kind of a reality show and a comedy show. He said his 2 sons, who are 11 and 15, would come with him to the comedy club. He spent a minute telling Howard about his relationship with the kids and said that he really doesn't want to bad mouth their mother.
Dice said that he's pretty well off right now but the divorce did kind of wipe him out. He pointed out that he's not wearing the leather anymore. He got back to his story about going to the Comedy Store with his kids and how Pauly Shore wanted him to get the kids out of there. Dice said that Pauly cursed in front of his kid and that kind of upset him. Pauly grew up at the Comedy Store and it was kind of hypocritical of him to even bring that up. He said that he and Pauly had a little thing and they've made up since then. He said that he is getting wound up about that story now that he's talking about it again.
Howard heard that Dice was in a feud with Jay Mohr as well. Dice said that he was on the ''Asshole and Anthony'' show one time... Dice stopped himself and said that he used to have to do that show when he wasn't doing Howard's show. He then went off on this guy Anthony for a short time and said that he has a problem with that guy. Dice got back to the story about Jay Mohr. He said he went to the Comedy Store and they were having a party for The Comedy Awards at the club and this guy George Slaughter showed up. He was angry about that guy and the way he had been treated by him in the past.
Dice said that his son inspired him to do Madison Square Garden again that day so he was going to put a plan together to put out a new album and work his way to doing the Garden again in a year. Then he heard Anthony going on and on about him on their show. He didn't really care that much but he had to do their show because he wasn't doing Howard's show at the time. They used to thank him for helping them build their show by coming on. He said that those guys used to go off on Howard all the time and no matter what they said, Howard is going to be the biggest guy in radio no matter what.
Dice said he started doing their show and New York started to get hot on him again so he was able to sell out the Beacon Theater and then had the chance to do the Garden again. He said that it was incredible that he was able to do that for his son. Dice said that he did the Opie and Anthony show the day before the Garden show and Anthony was doing an impression of him. Dice said that Mancow eventually became his friend over the years. He said he knows that Howard has a thing with him... Howard said he doesn't have a thing, he just wants to fuck his father's dead skull. Dice said that's what he doesn't like when he does stuff like that and asked Howard to do that when he's not there.
Dice said that Opie told him that Mancow was coming into the city to introduce him at his show so Opie and Anthony weren't going to do the show. Dice said that's when his kid started to get uncomfortable. He asked him if everything was okay. That eventually led to Dice talking about how this guy Jay Mohr told him he wasn't afraid of him on the air but Dice told him that if he didn't show up to his show, and he had to come looking for him, there might be a fight. He said that he eventually got a call from a detective who said that he got a visit from Jay Mohr and his wife who were complaining about what was going on. He said that Jay went back on the air with Opie and Anthony bad mouthing him so he had to explain to the cops that it was a ''radio fight.'' He tried to get Jay to drop the whole thing.
Dice said that he confronted Jay at an event and was talking to him about the fight to his face but he knew he didn't have to fight him because the guy was so yellow. Dice said that there are a lot of people out there who don't know what a real punch is like so they're more afraid of it than they would be normally.
Dice was also going off on Opie and Anthony more as well. He said that he thinks that he thinks that the only people who are listening to their show are their families. He said that they made his kid really uncomfortable when he was at their show. Then he heard that they were going off on him one day so he showed up to the show and he laid into the guy about their threats of not showing up at The Garden. Dice said that they aren't selling out anything so if they show up it's not going to help him out. He said he just wanted to see what those guys had verbally on the air but they had nothing.
Dice was telling some jokes and cursing and said that he really loves the freedom they have at SIRIUS. He started to get into a whole comedy routine that had Artie and Howard laughing their asses off. Dice said that he killed at the Garden that night and those two assholes didn't have anything to say when they were on stage. He pointed out that he was able to impress his son by doing the Garden.
Dice talked about how great his sons are. He said that they're both playing instruments and they're very good already and they're only 11 and 15 years old. The 15 year old is playing drums like John Bonham. The kid is 6'1 1/2'' tall already and he's only 15.
Dice told Artie he heard his impression of him earlier and told him that he was doing ''Dice 88'' and he should start doing Dice 2006 now. Artie said he loves his new stuff, Jim Florentine plays it for him. Dice said that Jim Florentine will be working with him this weekend at the shows he's doing.
Howard told Dice that he's not sure they can go back to where they left off with in their friendship but today's appearance was good. He also said that it takes balls to do what Dice did today. Robin thanked Dice for doing one of Howard's birthday shows one year because he really killed that day. Dice said that he's been listening to the show for many years and he felt that they needed to hook up again. He said that the deal Howard made with SIRIUS is one of the greatest deals ever made. He said that Howard getting sued is ridiculous and if they didn't want Howard talking about going to SIRIUS, they should have fired him right away.
Howard told Dice that he feels he will be vindicated before the case even goes to court. Sal came in and asked Dice if he thinks crying on the Arsenio Hall show hurt his career. Dice said that he doesn't hide his emotions in his life and it probably didn't hurt the career. He said that he had a movie opening the next day. He said he doesn't regret crying on that show at all. The movie came out the next day and it was pulled a week later because he was too controversial.
Howard had to wrap up with Dice because they had been going for over an hour and a half so far. He told Dice he felt that this was a very healthy reunion and he's glad that Dice made the call to Gary to come back in. Fred said that he's glad that Dice is back on the show and back in the spotlight. Howard took a couple of phone calls before he ended the interview. One guy said he wasn't a fan of Dice's in the past but he would love to hear him on the show again because this interview went so well.
Artie was saying that he doesn't think that this was all resolved yet. He wondered if Dice thinks that Chaunce had something to do with their fight. Dice said it could have been the conversation that Chaunce had with Howard on the air. Howard said that Chaunce does tape record his conversations but Fred pointed out that he's gotten things wrong in the past. Howard said that doesn't matter, he and Dice have had their fight and now they've had a nice discussion and tried to resolve things. They both went off on each other in the past and that's now over.
Dice said that he should have gone right to Howard that day instead of talking to Chaunce. He should have let him know how he was feeling instead of talking to someone else who passed that story on to Howard. Dice felt that Artie wasn't satisfied with the outcome of the interview today. Artie said he just asked him one question about Chaunce.
Dice said that he's doing some shows at Governors out on Long Island this weekend but they're already sold out. He's doing them with Jim Florentine and Don Jamieson. Howard went to break shortly after that.
Robin said that Benjy was chasing Carl White around the building the other day trying to kiss him as well. Benjy asked Howard what he thought about his thing with Dice. Howard said he enjoyed seeing him and he was very honest in the interview. He said he saw a side of Dice that he has never seen before and his anger toward him went away once he started explaining things.
Scott came in and told Howard that he was leaving the studio yesterday and Benjy was hanging out of a cab yelling ''the black cloud, the black cloud'' when he saw Scott because of what he was saying on the show about his family curse. A bunch of black guys started running after the cab because they thought he was talking to them. Then Benjy came around in the cab again and said that the world was coming to an end while people on the street were looking at him like he was insane.
Howard said that there were a lot of people out there saying that they wanted to hear the show all day long so that's what he decided to do. Fred said it's actually great when he can tune in and hear the show anytime or tune over to Bubba's show and listen to that. Robin said they're running Bubba's show on the weekends so she catches up on that stuff too.
Fred said that he enjoys listening to the Mike Walker game in reruns. Howard said he's really going to love this week's game when they confront Mike about that fart they recorded last week.
Robin mentioned another story she heard about Sal using Howard's megaphone out in the hall the other day and coughing and sneezing all over it. Howard said he heard about that and got kind of angry about it because that's his personal stuff that he treasures. He's had that megaphone for 20 years now and they don't even make it anymore.
Howard said that he pulled Sal into a room after hearing about that. He saw Sal this morning and told him that he didn't know what he was thinking and touching his megaphone is just wrong. He said that he can't touch that stuff and he can't be masturbating in his office. He said that guy is going to get himself fired if he keeps this stuff up. Howard said that he's just livid with this guy.
Sal came in and said he doesn't know what to say. He really doesn't want to piss Howard off. He said that he had a meeting with Human Resources yesterday and lost a lot of sleep over that. Howard told Sal that using that megaphone shows that he's whacked out of his friggin skull. Howard wondered if he's going into his office and stuff as well. Sal says that he's not doing that.
Sal was trying to explain some of the things he's done but Howard told him he has to go to a psychiatrist to get over this obsession with him. Sal says he doesn't have an obsession. Howard told Sal that if he touches one more of his things, he's going to fire him. He said he used poor judgment and he doesn't want to do anything else to piss Howard off. Gary came in at one point and held a dildo over Sal's head like Sal does to him when he's talking to Howard.
Robin told Sal that he doesn't seem to realize what's wrong when he's at work. He told her to shut up because she's just waiting for him to get himself fired. Sal was yelling at Robin about what she was saying. Howard told him to apologize to her but he only did it because Howard had asked him to. He sounded very angry and made some threats that actually sounded pretty scary.
Howard stopped Sal and Robin from fighting. He told Sal that he's got to have better judgment when he's there. He can't trust Sal if he's going to take his megaphone and use it. Sal has probably screwed up at other times but they just haven't found out about it. Robin was going off on him again so Sal was calling her a little weasel. He kept bringing up the fact that Howard gave her a Mercedes. Howard said that he seems to be very jealous of that. Sal said that he is because he's in debt up to his neck and his cell phone is about to be shut off. He said he's in debt to the tune of about $200,000. Someone suggested that Robin name her boat ''Sal is Fucked'' since it's probably worth about as much as Sal is in debt to.
Robin was telling Sal to shut up himself and to get out of the studio after he was telling her to shut up when she was bringing stuff up that he was doing. Artie said that Sal should know better than this. He once wanted to put Wasabi in his Munchkins and that stuff just can't happen. A phone caller told Howard that he's really got to get rid of this guy because he's crossed the line with this. He'd be gone already if he was working anywhere else.
Another caller told Howard that the Dice interview went great. Howard said he really had no idea how that was going to end up going. He said that Dice was very human about the whole thing and it was a good interview. The guys said that it was very interesting how that went down because Dice has remained a fan of the show all these years. Fred said he really thought that it was all going to turn into a fight. Artie thought that the stories he was telling were funny and the jokes he was telling were great as well.
Sal wondered if Howard thought that Dice was using him to get his career moving again. Howard said he kind of went into it thinking that way but it didn't come across as if he was trying to do that. Ralph called in a short time later and said that it felt pretty real to him as well. He doesn't think that Dice would come to the show now if he wanted to sell out shows because Howard doesn't have the audience he once did. Ralph also asked Howard why Sal doesn't get what's going on there. Howard thinks that there is an adjustment period that some people need and Sal is still trying to find out where that line is.
Ralph thinks that Sal is destined to be fired some day and he's wondering what the over/under is on that. Robin said that she's trying to help Sal out by giving him some guidance but he's not listening to her. Howard said he used to tell KC that he was coming close to getting fired and he didn't listen so he ended up getting fired. Ralph thinks that Sal will be gone within the year.
Artie said that he took Sal aside one day and told Sal that he's done some dumb things in his career as well and you have to live an learn. He just has to watch himself a little closer now. Angry Black called in and said that he left Sal a message and told him that he's going to lose his job if he keeps this stuff up. He told Howard that he should sit him down and have a talk with him to straighten this stuff out. Angry said that he thinks Sal is funny but he doesn't want to have to send in a tape to try and ''Win Sal's Job.''
Another caller told Howard that Sal has been crossing the line and there's no telling what he's going to do next. The caller also said that he liked hearing Dice on the show today but he should have been more up front about what happened between him and Clubsoda Kenny and Hottub Johnny.
Benjy asked Howard if he knew what Dice was talking about with what went on between his son and Opie and Anthony. Howard and the guys thought that he was just pointing out that they were disrespecting him in front of his kid. They tried to cover a lot of stuff during that interview and they had 10 years to cover so there was a lot going on.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about some stories he saw in the papers. He saw a picture of Kirstie Ally who has gone from 219 pounds to 157 and she's looking pretty good to him. He also saw a story about John Ritter's wife dating Craig Ferguson from The Late Late Show. He quickly went through those stories.
Howard heard that Ronnie the Limo Driver has a Myspace account and he wanted to talk more about that but he couldn't find the notes about it. Ronnie came in freaking out asking Howard if he was out of his mind. He said he doesn't even use the computer and he doesn't have an account.
Ronnie was saying that Dice was ready to punch Benjy out when they were out in the hall and he tried to kiss him. Benjy said that was a lie and he never tried to kiss him. He really had tried to kiss him but he was trying to start something with him.
A phone caller asked Howard what's up with Robin's TV show. Robin said that the show has stalled and there's nothing going on with it right now so it's on hold. The caller also said that Sal had threatened to slit Robin's throat when he was going off on her earlier. Robin said that she's wondering if she should be worried about him. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Howard had George Flowers in to give them a Howard 100 News preview. He said that they'll have an interview with Dice Clay and reactions from some of the guys on the show about Howard's interview. George mentioned some of the other things that Lisa G had mentioned earlier in the morning. George mentioned the story about the comedy competition that the Raw Dog channel is having and Artie is involved in that. Howard looked it up and Artie's comedy is up against Mitch Hedberg's stuff this week. Artie said that Mitch was a much better comedian than he could ever be.
Jon Hein was also in to give a quick preview of the Wrap Up Show. He said they'll be covering the Dice interview today. Howard wondered if they really need to analyze that interview. The news is covering it as well. Jon said that they're also going to talk about Sal touching Howard's megaphone and why someone would cross the line like that.
Howard said he heard something about George Flowers' diet group. He has a weekly meeting with some people from the company and other guys like Irish John, High Pitch Eric, Eddie the Produce Guy and others. Howard said he thinks that those guys are just coming there so they can be in the building. George said that if it helps those guys lose weight, it's worth it. George said he's well aware of the scams Eric has pulled on people so he'll be careful.
Howard said someone walked in the conference room after Eric was in there and the room stunk. She had to spray something in there to get rid of the smell.
Jon said they'll be talking about Sal going off on Robin earlier in the show. Robin keeps saying that she's just trying to help Sal out and he won't even listen to her. Fred said that Sal is just like Stuttering John in that way and he will never accept responsibility for what he does. Sal ended up telling Fred to shut up as well so Fred said that if he comes in there and says that to him, he'll knock his block off.
Sal came into the studio so Fred was ready to go off on him. Sal tried to defend himself and said he was telling Fred to shut up because he was trying to explain things. Sal said that he had a beef with Howard and Robin was trying to tell him what to do so he went off on her. Then Fred was telling him to apologize to Robin and he told him to keep out of it by telling him to ''shut the fuck up.'' Sal asked Robin to give him a break and told her to shut up again.
Howard let Sal go and then took some phone calls. Irish John called in to tell Howard why he's in George's diet club. He said he gained a few pounds and George is helping him lose the weight. They go to a restaurant after the meeting and High Pitch eats a ton of chicken and blue cheese dressing. John said that telling Eric that it's fattening is like trying to reason with a rabid dog who is about to attack. Howard thinks that those guys are just going to the meetings to get up to the studio. John said that's not true, George really knows what he's doing.
Shuli came in and said that High Pitch IM'd him before the meeting and asked him if he wanted to go out for pizza after the meeting. Then he lifts up his shirt during the meeting and shows his fat belly. It sounds like Eric is the one going to the meetings just to get into SIRIUS. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard asked Eric what he's eaten today. He said he had a bowl of oatmeal and 2 granola bars. Howard said it's got to be more than that. Eric says it's not more than that but no one believed him. Eric said that he was hungry yesterday and he couldn't deal with it, that's why he ate so much.
Howard asked Eric to tell him what George taught him in the meeting. Eric said that he was taught to drink a lot of water and to watch his diet. He also said that he's been able to do 6 sit-ups since he started all of this. Artie said that's nothing and he should call when he can do 10. Howard let Eric go and had Robin get back to her news.
During the news Artie was doing his Dice impression and that got the guys talking about how his new material seems to be pretty funny. Howard said he used to like Dice's old racial material but he thinks that he's kind of shied away from doing it these days. Gary told him he had some of that old material on his computer if he wanted to play it. Howard played some of it and got a few laughs from that stuff. Howard wrapped up the show right around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show saying that he had listened to a prank call that the guys made using clips of Judge Judy. He said that she's very strict and he loves it. Artie said he worked on the same set that they shot her show on and she used to stand outside smoking and yelling at people. Howard said her show jumped the shark when she got a face lift. Artie said he didn't even know she had that done.
Howard played the call that he was talking about where they took clips of Judge Judy yelling at a guy they called randomly. Howard said that he learned that you can get people to do a lot of things if you speak to someone forceful enough. He had another call the guys made using clips of Al Pacino and had the guy stay on the line for quite a while even though the clips of Pacino were pretty harsh.
Howard had another clip to play before he retires it. It was ''Ask the Retards'' with Wendy and Gary the Retards. In this one they tried to answer a woman's question about getting diarrhea when she gets her period. The two of them started yelling at each other before Wendy hung up on Gary.
Howard said that there was some debating going on over at SternFanNetwork.com about whether or not Dice could do his own radio show. Howard said they could always give it a try and see how it goes. He read a few more e-mails about yesterday's show and there were many who enjoyed it a lot. Howard said that the Dice interview will be available on Howard TV On Demand tonight after midnight. Howard said that they don't have any time constraints with the new TV channel so they can air the whole thing.
Howard read some negative feedback about Dice's appearance. Some people thought that he wasn't very good and it wasn't cool when he was dissing Artie. Artie and Howard said that he really wasn't dissing him when he was in there, he was kind of having some fun with him but he wasn't dissing him at all. There were others who thought that Dice was a washed up punk and had no reason to be on the show.
Howard and Robin ended up talking about whether or not Howard is an A-list celebrity or not. Robin was saying that it's the controversy that surrounds the real A-list celebrities out there so Howard was going to spread a story that he's been having an affair with Heather Locklear to bring his name up there.
Howard read some mail from some people who think that he has some kind of problem with Jon Hein and Lisa G when they come in with their show previews. Howard said the doesn't have a problem with them and doesn't know what people are talking about.
One e-mailer said that Robin talking about her boating really bothered him. The writer thinks that it can end in nothing but disaster. Howard said that she's going to end up getting eaten by a shark or something, she doesn't even know how to swim. The e-mailer even wrote up a phony obituary for Robin. They had a lot of details in the obituary and it was pretty funny. Howard said that they're going to have to identify Robin by the jewelry in the shark feces they find.
There was e-mail about Sal's strange behavior on the show. Some people think that Sal should be fired before he hurts someone. Howard said he listened to the replay and people really were piling on top of him about the apology he was trying to make to Howard. Howard heard that Sal spent 20 minutes apologizing to Robin after the show yesterday. She said that he still wants him to voice his movie but she has no desire to do that.
Howard said that he wrote another movie where he wanted Beth to do a love scene with him. He said that Beth doesn't want to do that so she's not going to do it.
Howard mentioned that the film festival is still going on and there's at least $20,000 worth of cash and prizes available for the winner of the festival. He wanted to hear about some of the films that have come in so he asked Doug Goodstein or Mike Gange to come in and tell them some details. Howard said there's going to be a red carpet event for the festival.
The caller Howard had on the line said that he was on the web site for the film festival and it says they can't use the SIRIUS logo. Howard asked Doug Goodstein what was up with that. Doug said that they just don't have permission to use it. The caller is making a movie about a Tranny making his way up to New York and they want to film outside of the SIRIUS building. Howard told the guy to just go head and do it.
Howard asked Doug how the movies are so far. He said that there are a lot of entries but there's still room for some winners to come in. Howard told Doug that maybe he should show some ''best of the worst'' scenes in the movies they reject. Doug said that they will have some of that stuff available. Robin thinks that they should have an award for the worst movie made as well.
Howard said that there's something that's been eating at him lately. He said he told Gary to go down to Ronnie's car and record the noise that comes from the heater in Ronnie's limo. He said Gary kept asking him if that's really what he wanted. He said Gary always comes back to him and says that he thought he wasn't serious. Gary came in and said that he didn't ask Howard that many times. He said Ralph has actually created a bit around that conversation where he has Gary being asked to do that stuff multiple times. Howard said that he's going to go down to his car, live, and get some audio of the noise that comes from that heater.
Gary went off on Ralph a bit and said that he's such an armchair quarterback when it comes to the show. Howard then talked about how he heard that Ralph's apartment is a mess and he doesn't even have the energy to clean up his own apartment.
Howard wanted to ask Doug when the film festival is actually going to take place. Doug came back in and said that it will be April 27th and the deadline for entries is April 11th. Howard said that didn't seem to be all that much time to get a movie made though. Doug said that they have gotten hundreds of entries though.
Howard said he's working on his own movie as well. He's shot 3 hours of footage so far and it's all about Fred. He wasn't even going to tell Fred that he was making a movie about him but it has come up on the air a couple of times. Fred and Robin are working on their own movie too. They're making one called ''Trans-Siobhan-America.''
Howard asked when today's evaluation show will air on Howard TV. Doug said that it will be up on Monday sometime.
Will said that the guy that does it has to be clean. Howard said that they would have High Pitch Eric do it then. Will seems to be fine with that. Then Richard Christy came in and said that he would take the load on his stomach. Will said he'd be willing to do that. Gary then came in and said that he would finger Buck Angel for that TV. He backed out when Howard asked him if he would take a load on his stomach.
Howard said that someone would have to up this whole thing to get that TV. He asked if anyone would be willing to take the load on their face. Richard said he wouldn't do that. Scott DePace came in and said that he might finger Benjy's ass... with a glove on. Howard said it would be no glove though. Benjy was wondering what he'd get for letting someone finger him. Howard said they could give him something but not the TV.
Howard said he would love to see Will and Richard get loads blown on them. Sal suggested that the guys up it from their stomachs to their chests. JD came in and said that they have gone to a whole new level now. He was willing to play Gay Chicken but now he's out.
Howard asked if there was anyone else out in the hall who was willing to do something crazier than Richard or Will. Gary said that they might want to up it to a pearl necklace from a load on the chest. Richard suggested that someone put their wang in a mouse trap. Gary said that he was thinking about taking a load on his back yesterday but now he thinks he wouldn't even do that.
Robin wondered how anyone could watch that TV after having something like that done to them. Gary was thinking about how High Pitch would look jerking off on these guys. Some of them don't think that Eric could even perform. Howard said they could have a back up porno guy who would blow his load. Sal suggested Peter North who apparently blows very large loads and he looks like a sprinkler system going off. Howard told the guys that they could wear a mask if they want to.
High Pitch Eric called in so Howard asked him if he thinks that he could pull this off. Eric said that he could even bring a fluffer with him and he would be able to do it. He's pretty sure he could do it in 3 minutes or so. Gary asked if any of the guys in the studio could finish on a guy. No one could. Eric said he could do it just to help them out. He also said that the guys don't want to know how big his loads are. Will asked him if he's a ''dripper or a shooter.'' They're pretty sure that he's a dripper.
Eric said that he heard Jackie the Joke Man over on Q104.3 in New York yesterday and they did nothing but talk about when he was on the Stern show. Jackie is out promoting some stuff but he won't come on Howard's show for some reason. Howard said that he must have some kind of problem with them or something. He dropped that story a short time later and let Eric go.
Will asked Richard if he would kiss another guy's penis. Richard said no to that so Will said he wouldn't do it either. The whole thing was creepy to Howard and he's not even sure he can stay in the same room with a guy who's jerking off.
There was some talk of Richard tongue kissing a guy as he was jerking off on him but Richard said he never said he would do that. Sal was saying that would be the next step. Richard also said that he wouldn't take a man's balls on his face as he was getting jerked off on. Howard said that he would consider not giving the TV to the audience since these guys are willing to do such crazy stuff.
Sal asked Will if he would let a guy smack him in the face with his penis a few times before doing that. Will said he might be willing to do that. Richard sounded like he was ready to back out at that point. He said it sounds like Will might win this competition if he goes that far.
Gary asked Will if he's spoken to his girlfriend about this. He said that she might be willing to let him do it but it's negotiable right now. He's supposed to have her moving in with him soon so that might be a disaster if this contest goes down.
Sal said that he couldn't enter this contest even though he would like to. If he went through it, his wife wouldn't let him back in the house to watch the new TV. Richard said that he's pretty sure he wouldn't be able to take the face smacking. Maybe if it was on the forehead. Richard said it wouldn't bother him so much if he was the guy whacking someone else across their face with his penis. Sal was pushing him to take the deal where he'd get smacked across the face with the guy's penis. Benjy suggested that they have hundreds of guys up there to blow their loads on them and they do it until one of the guys quits.
Richard said he has to think about all of this. Will said he would have to think about it as well because High Pitch has slimy skin and he knows that he's going to smell bad. There's a lot to consider with all of this. They have more ideas for the competition but they don't even know if they're going to get that TV to give away yet.
Richard said he and Jason filmed their movie yesterday. Richard said he ended up popping a zit on the back of Jason's balding head. Howard said that they were in a meeting yesterday and Richard pointed out the zit that was on his head because it was ripe for popping. Howard told them they should film that as their film festival entry. Jason said that it actually didn't feel so bad when it popped. Richard said he started to dry heave after it popped because it was so gross. Will said it was like a creamy substance that came out of it very slowly so it didn't pop like he had expected it to.
Howard asked if the kid who was crying on the court will go on to the pros. Artie said that he will probably get drafted but wether or not he makes it is another question. The guys spent some time talking about some of the white guys who are playing pro these days.
Howard said that this kid started crying and people were saying that it might haunt him for the rest of his life. He may never live that down because he showed way too much emotion. Howard said that the kid was actually laying down in the court crying. Gary said he pulled his shirt up over his head so people wouldn't see him crying.
Howard said he can picture this kid working at a car dealer and having someone like Wayne Segal showing him off to every customer that comes in. Howard wondered what the kid's name was but no one knew. They had to look it up and found that it was Adam Morrison. Howard was talking about what Adam will have to go through if he doesn't make it in the pros. He had some fun with that coming up with the jobs he might have some day. He had one scenario where he was the guy in charge of selling Fusion razors for Gillette.
Artie said that the worst would be working for a racist guy who would point him out and call him names while doing it. Gary said that every sports guy ends up selling insurance or opening a car dealership. Howard kept going with the different scenarios for that kid and some other sports guys who ended up working in other fields. Howard had a car dealer scenario so Robin told him how the move these days is for a salesman to write up the deal and then go to the manager to get it approved. Howard played with that idea for a short time.
Gary said that the first cartoon cell he bought was from a woman who was the lead in ''Saturday Night Fever.'' The guys spent a minute on that and then moved on to Lisa G.
Howard heard that Robin's assistant, Carrie, is a Superman expert so he wanted her to come in so they could have a little competition. Carrie came in a short time later and was ready to go. Howard asked her what the little village from Krypton was called that was brought over in a little globe. Carrie said that she's actually not a Superman expert, she's a Batman expert. She didn't know the answer was Candor.
Carrie asked Howard a question about who the co-creator of Batman was. Howard didn't know the answer so Carrie said it was a guy by the name of Bill Finger. She said that he didn't get the credit he was due. Ralph came in to go up against her in the Batman thing but Howard kicked him out and asked how he worked his way into that. Lisa quickly went over a couple more things before Howard went to break.
Howard moved on to Seth and spent some time talking to him. Howard said that he's seen him hanging out at the Playboy mansion quite a bit. He said that he doesn't want to be that old man hanging out there but he has had some fun there. He told Howard that he doesn't really try to pick up chicks there and that seems to work better for him. He said that the same girls are there and they say hello to him because they think of him as a friend instead of a guy trying to bang them.
Howard talked to Seth about his career and how he was the outcast until he started acting. Seth said that wasn't really the case either. He couldn't win no matter what he did. Howard said he heard an interesting story about Seth. He was doing a play at the time and was offered the chance to be in either the new Austin Powers movie or the Carrot Top movie ''Chairman of the Board.'' It was actually a tough decision at the time because either movie could have been good if you read the scripts. He said that he didn't get a lot of money for doing the first ''Austin Powers'' movie. Mike Myers did though.
Robin asked Seth about what it's like for him to be famous out in Hollywood and if he's getting some grade A poontang. Howard said he thinks that he's getting chicks but not those grade A chicks. Ralph heard that Seth likes to sit home and make action figures. Howard also heard that he has a huge toy selection. Seth said that he did collect stuff when he was a kid and he had a lot of the GI Joe stuff. He's not into the Star Wars stuff like Howard thought he was. Seth said he collects stuff that he finds interesting. Ralph heard that he had to buy a storage unit to keep all of his stuff in.
Howard said that Ralph shouldn't be laughing at this stuff because he collects dopey stuff like that as well. Seth said that it's the best woman deterrent when you have a toy collection in your house. Seth said that he did get caught up in all of the new Star Wars stuff when it came out back in 1995.
Howard said ''never mind that, did you ever finger Sara Michelle Gellar?'' Seth said that he's been friends with her since they were little kids. He's still friends with her but he's never fingered her. Howard asked him if he's ever banged any famous chicks. Seth said that he's so much more low profile than that. He doesn't do that kind of stuff. Gary said he heard that he dated an actress by the name of Chad Morgan. No one knew who that was though. Seth said that was true and they dated for 4 years.
Seth said that he has a hobby of making models so he used to make them for the cast of ''Buffy'' as gifts. Howard asked him what he's up to these days. He had a TV show until just a few days ago. He said they just canceled the show so that's gone. He said that it was from the same writers that created ''Will and Grace.'' They were up against Dancing with the Stars and Survivor so they didn't have much of a chance.
Howard spoke to Ralph a little bit next. He said that Ralph is his stylist and he was just over at his apartment yesterday helping him out. He said that he was feeling a bit light headed and dizzy yesterday when he was over so he was asking Beth for some food. He said this guy can eat all day long but he has to be over at the apartment before he realizes that he's hungry. He told Ralph that he should go home if he wants to eat and not bother Beth about that stuff. Ralph said that's what he would do but he hadn't eaten while he was at work yesterday.
Howard was ready to move on to the evaluations. He told the guys what they were going to be doing and then asked Mark the Bagger if he's into girls. Mark says he is but he's also into dudes. Howard said that Mark looks a little bit like Jack Black but Mark said no one has ever told him that. Artie had his impression of Mark down already so he was doing that for everyone. Mark was telling everyone that he's into guys like Tom Cruise and George Clooney.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's a huge fan of Seth Green's. She said she likes his cartoon ''Robot Chicken.'' Seth said he created that with a friend of his and they have it airing on Adult Swim which is a late night cartoon network. Another guy called in and told them how great Seth is.
Another caller told Howard that he should have Mark the Bagger on the show more often because he's really funny. Howard said that he'd love to have him in but his mother wouldn't allow it. He's only allowed to go out with the guys from The Bloodhound Gang. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Mark about what he does in his life. He was wondering if the guy is smart enough to read. Mark said that he can read and the last thing he read was Playboy. He said that he reads the articles and checks out the chicks in there.
Gary said that they have a girl who is so nervous that she's shaking. She was also throwing up from being so nervous. Howard had Gary bring in the first girl, Carrie. She's from Mobile, Alabama. Howard told everyone that Seth and Ralph are experts on this stuff. Mark the Bagger has also read a lot of Playboy so he knows what they're looking for. Carrie was the one who was vomiting and nervous but she sounded okay once she was on the air. She told Howard that friends of her's have told her that her boobs might be too big for Playboy. They're implants so they are pretty big for her size but that's what she said she wanted.
Howard asked Carrie if she was ready for this because there might be some negativity coming from the judges. She said she can handle it. Howard said she looks kind of like porn star Janine Lindemulder. Howard had Carrie take her clothes off so they could check out her body. He was surprised at the size of her boobs. She also took down her pants down to a G-string. She said she's never really taken her clothes off in front of a bunch of guys.
Howard moved on to the judging and asked the guys for their evaluations. Seth said that she's very fit and looks good but the girls in Playboy are a little thinner. He said that he thinks that she should get a better boob job because they didn't do a good job on them. He said that he would probably bang her if he had the chance. He said he probably wouldn't be sleeping with her regularly though. He gave her a score of 7.
Mark the Bagger was up next and said that Carrie is good enough for Playboy. He said that he doesn't remember the last time he saw a naked woman. He thinks that he would bang her. He gave her an 8. Ralph went next and said that her boob implants were really bad and she should get those fixed. He said she could be in ''Really Messed Up Boob Job Magazine.'' He also said that her face isn't that great and she might want to botox her forehead. He doesn't think she could get in Penthouse either. He gave her a score of 5. He said her ass is good but not great. He was really turned off by the boobs.
Howard said that her boobs really are a mess and they can't do a good job down in Mobile, Alabama. Ralph asked if she went to a Vet's office for that job. She said it was a real doctor. Seth said that the implants just settled bad. She said he only paid $4,000 for them so Howard told her she should probably be spending about twice that. He said that he would bang her in a second though. He told her to get the boobs fixed. She wouldn't work in Playboy or Penthouse though. Artie suggested Hustler instead.
Howard brought in the next girl, Kirsten, whose mother sent her there. The guys seemed to be impressed as soon as she walked in. Mark the Bagger said he found her hot as soon as he saw her. She's only 21 years old. Howard spent a minute talking to her about doing the magazine. She said that she would be very flattered if she was chosen to be in the magazine. She's in college right now studying sociology. She's also a bartender and has a lot of women hitting on her as well as men. Howard said that she looks a little bit like Angelina Jolie. She said she's actually dressed up as Lara Croft for Halloween before. The guys were telling her that if she gets into Playboy, she had better not bang Pauly Shore. That's what Jillian Grace did when she got in the magazine. Kirsten said that her mother warned her about that already.
Howard asked Kirsten to get naked so they could check her out. She said she knows her own flaws already. She took her top off and they could tell that her breasts were implants. She then took her pants off so they could check out the rest of her body. The guys were very impressed with her boobs. Howard asked Mark the Bagger what kind of score he'd give her. He said that she could be in Playboy and he really likes her boobs. He said he likes her legs, hair and the belly button piercing she has. He also said that she'd be good enough to sleep with. He gave her a score of 10.
Howard asked Seth what he thought about Kirsten. He said he can imagine her in the magazine. He said that this girl's attitude is much better and she's more comfortable with her body. She had a bit of a tan according to Howard so he wondered if she was too tan. Seth didn't think so. He said that she would fit in just fine out there at the Playboy mansion. He gave her a ''just shy of a 9'' score.
Ralph was up next and he said that she's too tan. Howard told her she really doesn't need that kind of tan. Ralph said that she could probably do Penthouse but Playboy might be out of the question. She had a nice face according to Ralph. She wasn't curvy enough in the waist area either. He gave her a ''low 8'' score which wasn't bad coming from Ralph.
Howard said that Ralph is right, Penthouse for sure, Playboy... maybe. He said that Playboy might be possible. He said she could definitely be in the Playboy lingerie issue but maybe not in the regular magazine. Gary came in and told Howard that she's got stretch marks on her butt. She said she does but that stuff could be taken out with some airbrushing.
Howard wanted to meet Kirsten's mother since she was pushing her daughter in there. She came in a short time later and said that her daughter is really beautiful and she thinks that she would look great in Playboy. Howard asked her if it was actually something she wanted in her life and now she's pushing her daughter into it. She wasn't interested in doing that and she's a grandmother anyway. She's got a 13 year old granddaughter. The guys thought she looked good for her age.
Gary said that they will send some pictures of Kirsten over to Playboy and hope for the best. Artie said that she can be his date to the opening of ''Beer League'' this summer.
Howard wrapped up with the guys and let Mark the Bagger get in a plug for the Bloodhound Gang's radio show. Ralph was also thanked for coming in. Howard gave Seth a plug for his ''Robot Chicken'' DVD which is coming out on March 28th.
Mark the Bagger was saying that he knew that March 28th was only 4 days away so Howard asked him a math question of ''what's 9 x 8?'' Mark said ''64.'' Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to commercial break.
Howard was going to walk down to his car to get some audio of the heater but he's going to put that off until Monday. He then read an article about how there should be 37 million satellite subscribers by 2010. Howard said that will probably be 36.5 million SIRIUS subscribers and 500,000 XM subscribers. Robin wasn't so sure the guy knew what he was talking about and she's not sure that will happen.
Howard said there was another article out yesterday about the conversation he had with Dave Lenahan on the show. Dave claims that Howard told him to sue the company that fired him but Howard claims he never told him to sue, he just told him he should fight back.
Howard read that Patricia Heaton has a syndication deal to do her own talk show. That's just one of the reasons they're not seeing Robin's show on the air.
Eric the Midget has been writing a lot of stuff about why he won't appear on their show anymore. He's gotten a bunch of notes about his blog posts and he's pretty sure he can get him to call in if he starts talking about American Idol next week.
Howard read that Evangeline Lilly has said that she must retire from acting within 10 years because the stress of fame is eating away at her. Howard seems to think that's a ridiculous comment to make. He took a call a short time later and a guy claimed that his sister had slept with Seth Green on the set of Austin Powers. She also told him that Seth had a big penis. The guy said that it just came up in a conversation at dinner one night. Artie said ie must have gone like this... ''Hey brother, can you pass the gravy... I fucked Seth Green!''
Howard got a note about the CBS show ''The Amazing Race'' that aired the other night where they let the S-word slip out on the air. The writer told Howard that he immediately filed a complaint with the FCC after hearing that. That led to Howard talking about how he was on the CBS web site the other night checking out the executives who run the company. He noticed that there are no black guys on the board. He read off the list of names of the people who are on it and every one of them was white. Howard
Howard said he was checking out this video the other day of what is supposed to be the Prime Minister of Italy pretending to hump a woman from behind. He said you can find it through Break.com and type in the term ''Prime Minister.'' There's another video where they caught the guy picking a booger, rolling it up in a ball and eating it. He said he's not sure if the video is for real or not but it's pretty gross.
Howard took a call from a guy who thanked Artie for the picks he gave for the basketball games last week. He actually won some money. Another caller told Howard how good the show was yesterday.
Howard played an audio clip from ''The Amazing Race'' where a woman said ''Oh shit!'' The show is pretaped so something like that shouldn't have been aired.
Howard said that he had a quote from Donald Trump when he was out promoting the first Apprentice season. He apparently said that if Les Moonves was part of the show, he would have been fired by the third episode and that he was the most highly overrated person in TV.
Howie Mandel was there so Howard had Gary bring him in since he had to leave in 15 minutes. Howard told Howie that he's a fan of his new show ''Deal or No Deal.'' He then asked Howie about the Wafah Dufour show that he was talking to the guys about. Howie said he agrees with what Artie was saying and if we're fighting for freedom, we shouldn't be doing anything for the families of terrorists. Howie said that people shouldn't support it but everyone in this country should have the chance do have a show.
Fred told Howie that he thinks he's boring on his new show and he's much funnier than what he's doing on that show. Howard asked Howie if he thinks his talent is being wasted on that show. Howie doesn't think that's the case and it's hard to find a show to carry him. Howie told the guys that he didn't want to do a game show but after they explained the game to him, he still didn't want to do it. He thought it was going to be too cheesy.
The company that does it is Endimol. Howard said that those guys actually came to him a few years ago and offered him a game show. He went to the meeting about the game and when they pitched it, it was horrible. Howard said that they wanted to do a game where he had to make people laugh and do other things. Howard said it sounded like too much work for him, he wanted something like Joe Rogan's job where he just tells people what to do.
Howie said that he told the guys that he didn't want to do the show at first. Then a guy came over and had lunch with him and showed him what the game was going to be like. He had home made boards and cards made up. Howie said he thought that he was being Punk'd that day and he didn't think there was anything there and wanted nothing to do with it. Howie said that what he learned is not to get in the way of the game. Howard said that's right, he's got that part of the show down. He hates when he watches a show where the host gets in the way of the game.
Howie said that he wishes that they could put this show on cable because there are some crazy things going on there. He said that some people pass out from standing at attention so long. He said it has happened many times. Howard told Howie that he watched the first episode and hated it. He said that he was disgusted with the show at first. He thought there was no game there but then he started to watch it and saw that it was very interesting to see what people do on the show.
Howie said that the show is airing on Friday and Monday nights and they're getting huge ratings with it. Howard said that he's never seen better looking women than the women they have on this show. He said that the women all stand there holding suitcases and each one looks better than the next. Howie said that he does try to be around the beautiful women all the time but he's not banging any of them. Howard asked him how far he would go with them. Howie said that he would probably play ''Feel Or No Feel'' with them.
Howie told the guys what the game was about and explained how it all works. People are nuts when they don't take some of the deals and that's what Howard was fascinated by. Howie said that it's his job NOT to tell these people that they're fucking idiots for not taking the big money when they have the chance.
Howard asked Howie what kind of money he's getting paid. Howie said that he gets paid very well for the game. He didn't want to say exactly what it was but when Howard got out of him that it's over a million a year, he told Howie to get the fuck out of the studio.
Robin loves Howie's new bald head so Howard talked to him about why he did that. Howie said he thought it would be fun to cut it off one day and when he did, his wife thought it looked sexy so he kept it that way. He also said that he feels cleaner now and that's part of his OCD problems with germs and stuff. The bald head helps him feel more comfortable.
Gary said that they got a lot of calls about Howie having a problem with Halle Berry. Howie said that he was sitting in for Regis one time and Halle was going to be a guest. He joked about the car accident she had and she left the show and refused to come on with him. He saw a flurry of commotion going on back stage and they had crossed her name off the list and put Robert Whul there instead. Howie said that they told him that Halle had left already and she wasn't coming on. He tried to go back and apologize to her but her publicist came out and asked him what the fuck he was thinking. Howie was being funny, that's what he was doing.
Howie said that they got a note about how Halle was going to come out a little later. He didn't apologize for what he had done. He said she was really gorgeous when she did come out. Howie said he apologized for the joke and she stayed pretty quiet. She came out and he wanted to talk to her about the movie she was promoting but she ended up going off on him for her whole segment on live TV. Howard said he saw that segment and he wanted Howie to tell her that she's got to take a few lumps in life. He wanted him to tell her that her story about not remembering running over someone is lame. Howie just sat back and took it.
Howie said that the feedback they got about that segment was saying that Halle was very rude to him so it made her look bad when she went off on him about a joke. Howie said that Halle was also on Letterman's show around that time and he made a joke about her accident and she didn't have a problem with it. Howard figured that she would have gone off on him so Howie jokingly said that maybe she went off on him because he's a Jew.
Gary came back in and said that Mark the Bagger wanted to meet Howie. Howard told him to bring Mark in then. Mark came in and said hello to Howie. Howie sounded stunned. Howard told Howie about how crazy Mark is and about some of the wacky stuff he's done. Mark was telling them that he's put his own finger up his ass while masturbating. Gary said that Mark has just one wish, to shake Howie's hand. Howie said no way to that, he's very germ phobic and doesn't like to shake anyone's hand, especially Mark's. Mark claims that he washes his hands 3 times a day but not after he pisses. Mark said that he does wash after wiping his ass though. Artie was doing his impression of Mark again and saying some funny lines about hand washing.
Howard asked Howie about working with Diana Ross and Mark broke into a version of ''RESPECT'' not knowing that Diana Ross didn't sing that song. Howie had him sing some other songs from Diana and he was pretty funny singing that stuff.
Irish John called in and said that Howie had his 13 daughter on the show last week as a guest and she was a cute girl. Howard said that he should have his 21 year old on there dressed up like the other girls. Gary came in and told Howie that Mark the Bagger might be kind of gay, or at least bi-sexual. Howie asked him a few questions and Mark was saying that he's not gay. Then they asked him about the time he had sex with a guy in a pick-up truck. Mark said he did make out with a guy in a pick up truck after he was shown the guy's penis. He said he just experimented that day and he's not gay. The guy did stroke his penis though and he came in the guy's face. Artie laughed his ass off when he heard that. Howie then asked him where the other guy came. Mark said he came in his face. Artie laughed hysterically again when that came out.
Mark said he has had sex with a woman. He said that she was a black woman and he came on her face that time. High Pitch Eric called in a short time later to talk about how much he hates Mark. The two of them went off on each other for a few seconds. Eric was upset with Mark about the prank call he made to him. Howard played that call so everyone could hear that. Howard then asked Eric if he's just jealous of Mark. Eric said he's not jealous, but he wants to kick his ass right now. Mark said he'd be down there until Noon if he wants to come down and fight.
Howard wrapped up with Howie a short time later. Howie told Howard that he should come on the show some day. Artie then went into his Mark impression and said ''I want to come on that show's face...'' which got Howie laughing. Howard gave him a few plugs for his show and said you can go up to LiveNation.com to get more information about the TV Show. They went to break after that.
The caller was telling Howard that it's great when he takes off Fridays because he can check out some of the stuff on the other channels. Howard said he's going to start taking Fridays off and that was part of the deal he made when he came there. He said that he was going to get out of radio until that deal came down.
Howard moved on to Mike Walker a short time later. He asked Mike if he knew what was going on with him. Last week they caught Mike farting off the air and they've been playing it all week long. Mike said that Howard brought up the privacy issue that Howard brought up last week and he's wondering if his privacy is being invaded. Howard told him he had an open mic there so it wasn't hidden or anything like that. Artie was laughing and saying that Mike had to have shit his pants when he farted. He was already laughing and they hadn't even played the fart sound yet.
Mike said that he thinks that Richard is just trying to impress him and maybe this stuff isn't really happening. Howard explained the fart and said that Mike must have pushed this one out so hard. He's not even near the mic and the fart was unbelievable. Howard then played the audio of Mike farting and that got Artie laughing his ass off. Howard played it again and Artie was laughing again. Mike said that he might end up jumping off a balcony from being embarrassed by that fart so much.
Mike was also saying that he couldn't hear the congas being played last week. Howard said they've taken that clip and the fart clip and put them to music. He played some of those for Mike and Artie started laughing his ass off again. They had one to the tune of ''My Sharona'' and another one to the tune of the baseball park theme. There was also one to the tune of The Addams Family theme song. Then there's one of just Mike's congas with his farts thrown in. Artie was laughing so hard he couldn't speak. He said that he was going to pass out from laughing so hard. He thinks that Mike had to have shit his pants. He said he loves Mike and this makes him human to him.
Mike said that if it's that great, why doesn't he get invited to the personal appearances. Artie invited him to a gig he's doing out in Pittsburgh in July. Mike said he might do that. Howard invited him to come in and judge a fart contest they have coming up soon. He's also invited to the Howard Stern Film Festival at the end of April. Artie told Mike they'll also have a bathroom there if he needs to go. Howard played another one of the songs that they put Mike's fart to. He had a whole bunch of them to play and they all had his fart included in them.
Mike asked Howard to say ''allegedly'' before farting because he doesn't remember even playing the congas or farting. Howard had Artie laughing his ass off again when they played AC/DC's ''For Those About to Rock'' with Mike's fart blasting when they said ''FI-AH''
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who wanted to go off on Mark the Bagger. Mark wasn't in there so Artie did his impression of him and had an argument with the guy for a few seconds. Howard told Eric to calm down and that he's not allowed to fight him. Artie went off on him for a short time and then Howard broke the news to him that he was arguing with Artie. Eric said his blood pressure was rising because of all of that. Howard told him to calm down and let him go.
Howard got back to Mike and said that he's one of the most well renowned gossip columnists in the country. Artie added ''Until last week...'' He then went into his Mark the Bagger impression and started goofing on Mike like he was doing with High Pitch. He was on a roll this morning. Artie said that fart was the best thing ever.
Howard had Mike play his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Artie was throwing in a bunch of jokes about Mike's farting during the game. He was still doing his Mark the Bagger impression as well. He was throwing in a lot of bathroom jokes through the whole thing. Howard thought Mike sounded a little bit down this morning. Mike said that might be because of the microphone he was using. Artie asked for one last play of the ''For Those About To Fart'' song parody. He loves that song. Fred played the song and Artie cracked up a little more before Mike got off the phone. They played a couple more of the fart songs before Howard had Robin start her news.
The guys read some of the other quotes from John and some of them almost seemed like little digs at Howard. He was saying that Jay will let him promote stuff and do side projects. Howard thought that was John's way of saying that he wasn't allowed to do that stuff when he was on his show.
Ralph came in and asked why John didn't thank Howard in that article because he was the one who gave him a job before Leno ever did. Ralph said that he didn't work hard when he was there, he just hustled jobs and gigs. Gary said that John has told him that he can't make fun of Jay because he's not going to make fun of a guy he works for.
Gary said that John is getting some other work now that he's on the Tonight Show. He was claiming that he used to have to work blue when he was doing his comedy shows while working with Howard. He said he's been able to clean up the act since then.
Howard said that John got an incredible job with the Tonight Show. He doesn't have to do that much work and he's making a lot of money doing it. Gary and the guys all admitted that they're jealous of him for getting that job. Howard said that the beef he had was with Leno who hired John and rubbed it in his face that they weren't paying John a lot of money when he was working there. Howard said he told Jay that he will never be his friend and he's an asshole.
Howard said it was fine for John to leave and they found a couple of great guys (Sal and Richard) to replace him. He said that Jay Leno is pompous and arrogant and that's that. He said he told John he didn't have a problem with him taking that job. Gary asked Howard why he won't hang out with John anymore. Howard said that he never really hung out with him. His wife and Beth are very good friends and they still are but he never really hung out with John. Gary and Artie were saying that John claims that he called Howard and asked him to dinner. Howard said he never got a call. He said he would go out to dinner with John if he actually did call and ask. He said that John was a nice guy when he worked for the show and he was great when he was on. His problem is with Leno.
Howard went off on Leno for a few minutes talking about the way he's stolen his bits over the years. He said that the Jay Walking bit is just like the games they've played on his show for years. He said that the guy won't admit that they've lifted stuff from his show and that's the kind of scum bag he is. He said that Jay has no right to tell him how to treat his employees. He spent a few minutes explaining what Leno should have done back then.
In the article John apparently claims that if he had told Howard about the deal ahead of time, Howard may have screwed it up for him. Howard said that he's never screwed up any deals for anyone on the show. That's just not the way he does things. On a couple of occasions Howard said that he doesn't have any dislike for John, it's all about Jay.
Gary said that he thought the funniest part of the Dice interview yesterday was when Howard brought up skull fucking Mancow's dead father. He said that Dice was squirming around like crazy and it was very entertaining. Howard said he had to get the news done so he could get out of there so he had Robin get back to that.