Today's show was over around 11:05am.
Howard and the guys were back live this morning. Howard started the show talking about how he knows he's been gone so long by forgetting how to turn on his microphone. He said he was off for 2 weeks and a day. He said they took off yesterday because of President's day. He said that's very important to be off for. He said he has to remember that for next year. He said he didn't think about the Presidents once.
Howard said he thinks he's all in on Bloomberg. Robin said she's for him as a leader. Howard said he always liked Bloomberg when he was mayor. He said he didn't know who could take over after Rudy left. He said Bloomberg was even better than Rudy. He said that Bernie is always talking about him being a billionaire and how he didn't run anything. He said he knows a lot of presidents who have been senators. He said mayors run things. He said even people who are republicans who aren't into Trump might see that he got shit done. He said he was very effective as a mayor. He said he had a city to run and he did a lot. He said senators don't do all that much. He said if they removed the senate tomorrow they'd be better off. Robin said don't say that. Howard said he thinks Bloomberg could run the country. He said he ran New York City. He said he's super successful and he is a workaholic. He said he did it the old fashioned way. He said he had to go out and make it. He said he had an opportunity and went for it. He said he just loves the guy.
Robin asked what happened to Biden. Howard said he likes him too but he's not going over well with the electorate. Robin said she didn't think he was the front runner and she was right. Howard said she is right.
Howard said he likes Bernie but he has the kook vote. He said that he's been on the right side of history with the Iraq war and things. He said he has some kooky ideas though. He said he can't see him being the front runner. He said that Bloomberg has what they're looking for. Robin said he solves problems. Howard said he hopes he gets the nomination. He said everyone has to gather around him if he gets it. He said here are so many people that are splitting the vote. Howard said Bernie can't win and they don't see that.
Howard said all of the bashing of Bloomberg for stop and frisk is another thing. He said Trump is locking kids up at the border. He said that they all have something going on. Howard said he would do more than stop and frisk if he was mayor. He said he'd be stop and taze. He said then they can frisk them.
Howard said he likes getting rid of giant sized sodas. He said he watches that My 600 pound life and they have people on every week who are huge. He said this one woman was trying to take a shit on her back. He said her friend comes in and slips a bed pan under her. Then her friend wipes her down. He said this woman is a star. He said she shits in the bed. He said she has to pay her to get her to do that. He said he has to pay his friends to do stuff for him.
Howard said he had the best vacation. He said he stayed home to watch TV and he watched Narcos while Robin was in Australia. He said he watched My 600 Pound Life too. He said this woman is flat on her back. He said the friend comes over to bathe her 3 times a week. He said she has the folds of fat that she has to wipe down. Robin said she's just getting a bed bath. Howard said one woman had to get hosed down on the porch. He said that's the greatest thing ever.
Howard said this woman has feet like flippers. He said she also has barnacles growing on her. He said there's all kinds of shit growing in her folds too. He said the woman is over 700 pounds. He said this woman wants to go back to sleep after taking a bath. He said she wants to eat first though. He said she's so hungry. He said she has 4 cartons of food from fast food places. He said they're just trying to get full. Howard said she finally goes to see Dr. Now. He said he's the guy who works on really fat people. He said he's in Houston and she had to travel 18 hours in a truck and it took 6 guys to get her in there. He said she had to go to the bathroom after getting into it. He said she claimed to hold the shit in but he thinks she might have gone.
Howard said he loves TV so much. He said that was his whole vacation really. He said he watched Narcos and My 600 Pound Life. He said he watched that movie Parasite and he hated it. Robin said he didn't get to the good part. Howard said he watched the whole movie. He said it was a third rate Twilight Zone episode. Robin said it was great. Howard said don't waste your time. He said The Joker was 50 times better. He said he didn't even see 1917 and he knows it's better than Parasite. He said he's sure Quentin Tarantino's movie was better. Robin said she loved every second of that movie. Howard said she needs someone to tell her she didn't.
Robin said they said that they saved the half time show. Howard said it's a dance review with bad music. He said every song sounds the same and they don't sing. He said they're carrying on running around. Robin said Jimmy Fallon was carrying on like it was the second coming. Robin wondered what they were talking about. Howard said it was the worst performance ever.
Howard said Shakira was dancing around with her belly and it was just bad. Howard said Bobo is on the phone saying the show was great. He took the call and Bobo said it was captivating. Howard asked if he ever saw any real music performances. Bobo said absolutely. Howard said the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame put out a compilation video and you have to see it. He said they have so many great performances. He said they have Crosby Stills and Nash and James Taylor. He asked what this shit is at the Super Bowl. He said its like watching a shitty musical on Broadway. He said he's had it with this.
Bobo said that Shakira had a tongue moment. He said she was sticking her tongue out at something. Howard asked if that's great. Bobo said it was.
Howard said John Popper came out and did a song at a Knick game. He said you know the guy can sing. He said he does that song The Hook. He said he came out and played the Harmonica. He said this guy is a musician. He said he's not dancing around and changing costumes. Robin said he's not putting out striper poles. Howard said the Beatles never changed costumes. He asked if we're losing our minds.
Bobo asked if he heard Gary had a confrontation at the Super Bowl. He stated to tell him the story but Howard told him to call back later. He said he's fucking him up.
Howard said the song The Hook is about how stupid the audience is. He said it's about coming up with a hook in a song and no one really listens to the lyrics. He said listen to the words. He played some of the song and recited the lyrics. He said he'll let you play it at home and figure it out.
Howard stopped the song and read the lyrics. He said it's all just nonsense. He even sings about how he's singing about nothing. He said it's a nonsense song. He said go listen to J-Lo.
Howard said he saw that Halftime show and he figured the people should be stampeding. He said then the next day they were talking about how great it was. He said he's living in the Twilight Zone. He said he must be the only one who remembers all of the greats. He asked where he is. He said poor Beth had to hear him screaming.
Howard said he was so upset that they canceled Ray Donovan while they were off. He said they had 8 seasons and they never got an ending. Robin asked how many times they can see him get beaten up. Howard said the fans spoke and Showtime has agreed to give an ending to the show. He said they're going to do a movie or one more season. Robin asked for a movie please. Howard said that's her vote.
Howard said he and Beth sat down to watch The Last Christmas. He said it has Emma Thompson in it. He said it's so bad. He said he wants to get her thrown out of show business. He said what is good is the reboot of The Biggest Loser. He said they have the guy who had a heart attack on the show as the host. He said he loves that kind of stuff. Robin said they're not bringing it back to the network. Howard said it's on something like Starz or something like that.
Howard said he likes that guy Bob Harper. Robin said he's always talking about having that heart attack. Howard said he was like 22 when he had it. Robin said now he's doing Yoga. Howard said the guy has tattoos up and down his legs and he sees that and wonders what's going on there. He said the guy had a heart attack and you wonder what he's up to. He said he's not doing his face. Robin said Cindy Crawford's son did that to his face. Howard said it's going to be a tough year for that family. He said that kid and his sister are such good looking people. He said he has met the daughter and Cindy's husband. He said that he never met the son. He said he went and tattooed his face. He said he went online and talked about how anyone who doesn't like it can come over to his house. Howard said he wants to go there. He said now the family Christmas card is fucked. He said that kid can't get a job. He said he had ''Misunderstood'' put on his face. Robin said how about putting something you can understand on your face. Howard said that's a big word too.
Howard said years ago with a tattoo the tattoo artist would say no way to putting it on your face. He said it should be treated like gender reassignment surgery. He said they should be tested. He said the kid is really good looking and he messed up his face. He said he'll have a scar there if he gets it removed. Howard played a clip of the kid talking about how he'll give out his address so you can come say it to his face if you have a problem with it.
Robin said this makes you wonder how bad their parenting could be. Howard said the parents always get blamed for the kids doing something dumb. He said Cindy must not have been home enough. Robin said it looks like a good life but he sounds miserable. Robin said he's right that he's misunderstood. Howard said his mother would be like this. He went into her voice and had her talking about his carrying on about tattoos. Howard had Ray talking about how this is people being bored. She said in her time they didn't have time for tattoos.
Howard said when he got a tattoo his mother wouldn't even look at it. He said if he put one on his face it would be a real problem. He said he's sure that Cindy and Randy have their hands full with that one.
Howard said Parasite was horrible. Robin said The Irishman was nominated and it wasn't that good. The caller said it was good. Howard said it was better than Parasite. He said he really hated that movie. Robin said that everyone on her plane was watching that movie.
The caller said Howard got him on Bloomberg's side too. He said he was on the fence. Howard said it's going to be fun watching the two of them go at it. He said they should be entertaining.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Harry Harrison talk that Howard did before vacation. Howard said he was reading some email about that while he was on vacation. He said that the audience reminded him on some of that stuff. He said they aired the Stern Show A to Z special on Howard 101. He said they wrote in about that too. He read through some of that and someone wrote in about Robin's Ayahuasca trip that they played. He said Robin was in Australia helping out the koalas this time.
Howard read more email about the A to Z special and someone wrote in about the Mac-hine segment. Someone wrote in about Gary's napping and about Leslie Jones' interview before they went on vacation. Howard had a few about Leslie that he read through. Robin said her special is really funny.
Howard said he had forgotten about the Harry Harrison obituary that he did. He read through some feedback he got about that. He said one guy claims that he laughed so hard he ran into a car in front of him at 55 miles per hour.
Howard said people are wondering how Richard is after the Super Bowl. He said he has a story that he'll get to. He said it was a great game. Howard said it looked like Kansas City was going to lose it but they came back in the second half of the game. Howard read some show feedback that he got about Richard and the Chiefs. Howard said he has to take a break. He said they'll get to Richard after that. They went to break after that.
Howard said he saw that Buzzy Linhart died. He said he was 70-ish. He asked how old he was. Gary said they're checking. Howard said he was 76.
Howard was still singing along with the John Lennon song. He said he was so good. He said he can't believe someone killed him that fat fuck.
Howard said he believes in 600 pound life. He said he doesn't believe in Benjy. Howard said Benjy is a weirdo. He said he hurt his leg and someone asked what happened and Benjy said he didn't want to talk about it. He said then he said he can't mention a bunch of things about it. He said it turns out he slipped and hurt his leg and wasn't able to get up so someone had to help him. Robin said that's weird. Howard said if they had him on the air that would have taken an hour to get it out of him. Gary said he had to be picked up by ambulance. Gary said he was in so much pain that he was screaming. He said a neighbor came out and helped. Howard said if he heard screams he wouldn't respond. Robin said he would call 911. Howard said no way. He said if he heard a scream like Benjy's he'd call animal control.
Howard asked what he did to his leg. Gary said he might have torn something. He said he wasn't able to get it out of him. He said he wasn't able to get up so he went to the hospital. He said he slipped on the mud. Howard said they didn't have to bring Benjy in there for that story.
Howard said they went out on the street and asked people if they're offended by David Spade's name. He played some clips of people responding and many were saying they were offended.
Robin said no one was offended before they asked about that. Howard said they were out there picketing outside of the building over that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they were talking about the tattoo on the face thing. He said Post Malone got a new one. Howard said he saw that too. He said he might buy some space on his face with The Howard Stern Show written on it. He asked if that space is taken on his forehead. He said he might be able to get Sirius to rent that space.
The caller asked for his thoughts on the Super Bowl. Howard said he won $100 on it. Robin said she didn't lose all that much. She said she did win some bets but she owes $150. Gary said she only has to pay $100. Howard said she did lose. The caller said he might need to do some math.
Howard said JD got so upset about his bets with Robin that he left a party early. JD came in and said he lost $150. Howard said he lost the bet that the Doritos would be the first ad. Howard it was them vs. Pop Tarts. Robin said she won that one. JD said he read the timings of the commercials and he didn't see that. He said he figured Doritos had to have one before that.
Howard and JD went over some of the other bets JD lost. There were bets on who came out first at the Half Time show.
The caller asked what he thought about the commercial with Bill Murray. Howard said he liked that one. He said he has notes about what else he liked. He said he has a list there somewhere. Howard read through some of the notes he had about the commercials. He said he liked the Ellen Degeneres Alexa ad. He said he thought that was funny. He said he liked the brands who hit the fan with Sofia Vergara. He said there was one with a guy with his head up his ass. He said he had notes about Shakira after that. JD said he liked the Boston accident commercial. Howard said that was pretty good too.
The caller said some of those ads came out of Detroit. Howard said very good. Robin asked if JD liked the half time show. JD said no because he lost a bet on which song was going to play first.
Howard asked if anyone agrees with him about he half time show. Gary said yes. Howard said the dancing wasn't that great. He said there are dancers who can dance their ass off. Robin said J-Lo hasn't danced her ass off. Howard said not at all. Gary said there were kids in cages so some people were talking about that. Howard said he didn't even notice that. He said he saw J-Lo's daughter come out. He said he won't comment on her kid. He said he wouldn't do that.
Robin said she has to pull clips of Jimmy Fallon talking about how great J-Lo was. Howard said J-Lo is not good. He said he remembers what music used to be like. He said even in the 90s. He said talk about Trent Reznor. He said he won't do the same rap he did earlier. He said just listen to the start of the show.
Jon Hein had the list of who won what with the bets. Howard had them go in the hallway to figure it all out.
Howard said they have to get an update from Richard before David Spade gets there. JD was still freaking out about how much money he lost. Howard said he's not sure he wants to touch JD's money. He said he's probably been jerking off all week. JD said he wasn't. Howard said he heard he was sick. JD said he's fine now. Howard asked if he smoked weed over vacation. JD said no.
JD was freaking about his bets and said he shouldn't have ''betted'' on something. Howard said he should say he ''should not have bet.'' Howard said this guy went to college. Fred did his JD impression saying that he went to Full Sail.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he knew Howard was going to hate J-Lo. He said he knows that he's always talking about ''real music.'' Howard said that's just not good music. The caller said he's Puerto Rican so he's excited to see her. Howard asked when we're going to just be people and not worry about who someone else is. He said he's not excited to see a Jewish comedian. He said if you want to worship someone then worship Lin Manuel Miranda or someone. The caller said he didn't really like the rest of the show. He said he liked how she came out with the Puerto Rican flag. Howard said get over it. He said you don't have to be into her because she's Puerto Rican.
Howard said the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame put out this 25th anniversary thing and they had so many great performances. He said they had Simon and Garfunkel and they were so great. He said they had Graham Nash and Paul Simon doing a song together. He said you should hear the harmony there. He said you cry because it's so good. He said Stevie Wonder was great too. He said Bonnie Raitt was on the special too and she has so much talent.
Howard said fuck that half time show. He said sing a god damn song. He said David Crosby can sing. He said he wrote the fucking song and he can sing it. He said Graham Nash was harmonizing with him. He said it was so good. He said he's wondering why the half time show was getting good write ups.
Howard said they should work out the money and what everyone is owed out in the hall. Howard told Jon not to leave the country with that money.
Howard said he thought he got him some decent seats. He said Robert Kraft walked up to Gary and asked if Richard was there. He said Gary said he was and he asked where he was sitting. He said Robert Kraft put him on the 50 yard line. Gary said it was actually Jonathan Kraft. Howard said the story is better with Robert. Gary said Jonathan said he was going to give him tickets but they beat him to it. Howard told Richard to get in there.
Howard said Richard is a nut. He said they sent a reporter with him. Richard came in and said he was surprised that he got to go. He said it's like someone coming up to Howard and telling him that he had a ticket to go see all four Beatles. Richard said he's going to be thinking about this the rest of his life.
Howard said he thinks they told Richard on Thursday. Richard said it was actually Friday afternoon when he got word. Howard said he's supposed he pulled away from Sal's cock to go.
Richard said this was such a great game. He said it was the best thing ever. He said he would have loved to have seen the Chiefs win and they pulled it off. He started to cry as he was talking about the last 7 minutes of the game. Howard said Mahomes promised Richard that he'd get him the championship. He said he did it. Richard said he was screaming so loud he probably heard him.
Howard said they had a team down there from Sirius. He said on the last show before the game they had Richard in there crying. He played that clip first where he was crying about the Chiefs being in the game.
Howard played a clip of Richard talking about what he'd be wearing to the game. He talked about wearing something that he can spill alcohol on. He had all chiefs clothes and even a phone case.
Howard said he promised to shower every day if they win. Richard said he'll start that today. He said he did wash his jeans for him too. Richard said this is what he wore to the game. He said he washed the jeans but the jersey hasn't been.
Howard said Richard told the crew that he was going to hug him for getting him to the game. Howard said that's not happening. He played a clip of Richard talking about that. Richard said he can't put into words how much he appreciates this.
Howard said he doesn't want that hug. Richard said the offer is there. Howard said he appreciates that. He said he won't be hugging him.
Howard had some audio of Richard yelling ''Go Chiefs!'' out on the street. He was on his way to go pick up his tickets from Gary. Richard said it was awesome seeing so many fans outside the city.
Howard said when Gary gave Richard the tickets he told him that they had been upgraded by Jonathan Kraft. Howard played the clip of Richard talking to Gary about that. Gary gave him the news that they were moved to the 50 yard line 33 rows up. Richard thanked everyone for all of that. Richard said he takes back everything he's ever said about the Patriots. Richard's wife said she may have to take back some things she's put out there too. Richard said the seats were insane. He said it was unbelievable.
Howard said once Richard got inside the stadium he turned into a crazy person. He said Richard was yelling like a 7 year old out there when they asked how many chiefs fans were out there. Howard played some audio of Richard yelling.
Howard said Richard got worked up when he saw the founder of Papa John's at the game. He said he wasn't worked up over other celebrities but he was for Papa John. Howard played some audio of Richard and his wife getting worked up over that.
Howard played more of Richard screaming during the game when Mahomes threw a touchdown.
Howard said he was thinking afterward that people were stuck next to Richard screaming. Richard said he wasn't even that drunk. He said he wanted to remember the whole experience. Howard said he screams for every player out there. He played more of the audio of Richard screaming for different players. Fred did an impression of Richard.
Howard idea Richard was talking about Big Dick Chris Jones that no one else calls him. Richard said his dick fell out during a 40 yard dash thing that he was involved with. He said you got to see his dick and balls out. Howard said no one calls him that. Richard said he's sure there are some people who do.
Howard said Richard's wife yells too. Richard said she does. Howard asked why his dad didn't go. Richard said they really don't travel anymore. He said they don't like driving that much anymore. He said they can't get to the airport. He said they're worried about the viruses and stuff too.
Howard asked if his dad ate anything weird during the game. Richard said he had frog's legs. He said they're not in season so they went to the store and bought them. He said he's not sure how old they were. He said his mom made them and his dad said they tasted weird but they're going to eat the rest of them.
Howard said Richard stayed loud for the whole game. He said he was screaming for the Chiefs the whole time. Howard played more audio of Richard yelling during the game.
Howard asked how many frog's legs you have to eat to fill up. Richard said they were bull frogs so they were pretty big.
Howard played more of Richard screaming during the game. Richard was talking about how he can't believe they're going to do it. He said they're going to fucking win the super bowl.
Robin asked if he had a voice the next day. Howard said after the game all he did was thank him for getting him there. He played a clip where Richard kept saying thank you Howard over and over. Howard said he's like a religious guy speaking in tongues. Richard said he can't thank him enough. Howard said he just did.
Howard said Richard's voice was shot the next morning. He said his wife got some audio of him trying to clear his throat. Howard played the clip of Richard in the shower trying to help his voice with steam. Richard said he was sitting on the shitter with the shower on trying to clear his throat with the steam from the shower.
Howard said JD texted Richard to see how he was feeling and he sent back a voice message. Howard played the message where Richard could barely speak.
Howard said Richard's dad left messages after every quarter for Richard. He played those messages where Richard's dad would leave a short message. He was talking about each quarter. Richard's dad was talking about the naked ladies during the half time show too. Richard said he probably got a boner over that.
Howard said after the third quarter Richard's dad was feeling defeated. Richard said he was too. He said it was a downer. Howard played Richard's dad talking about the third quarter and how they were sucking at that point.
Howard said Richard's dad was happy after the game ended. He played the voicemail where he was talking about what a comeback that was. He said he didn't think it looked good in the third quarter. He said maybe they'll be back next year with that offense and defense.
Howard asked when he broke the news that he saw Papa John there. Richard said right after the game he did.
Howard said Richard's dad warned him about the Coronavirus before he flew. Richard said they are scared of germs. Howard played the clip of Richard's dad warning him about that. Howard said they won't even watch Parasite because they're so scared.
Howard said he loves all of that. He said his voicemail was so inspiring that they took some drops and called a sports show about the game. Howard played the phony phone call they made to this internet radio show about the game. The host of the show was asking questions and the guys were playing clips of Richard's dad talking about the game and things at home like their dogs having puppies. The host let Richard's dad go and wrapped up his show. The guy has a bad stutter so it took forever for him to end it.
Howard said that guy couldn't get near a radio station. He said that's why he hates podcasting. Howard said it was very exciting for Richard to go to the game. Richard thanked him again.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is the coolest thing Howard has ever done sending him to the game. Howard said he had to send him because he's so nuts about the game. He said he was hoping his dad would go. Howard congratulated Richard on the team winning and said he's not sure why he's doing that since he didn't do a thing. Richard said he feels that he helped them by cheering them on at the game. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said these guys are so good. He said they're doing a show for SiriusXM. He said he was listening to Lithium here and they were talking about the show they were going to do at the Apollo. Gary said it's another listener appreciation show. Gary said it is on a Thursday night so Howard could go.
Howard said David Spade is there. He said he has a Lights Out with David Spade cap on today. David said he has to wear that because his hair isn't done. He said he's only going to wear it for the next hour. Howard said he never wears anything Howard Stern. He said that's because he's Howard Stern. David said he doesn't get it.
Howard said David is the funniest mother fucker. He said he sent him a clip from The Masked Singer where they both got mentioned. He said David wrote back saying that's what they do. He said that's their M.O. David said it's always someone not that exciting but they talk like it's going to be someone big. Howard played a clip from the show where they were doing that. They were talking about the singer like it was Lady Gaga or someone like that. Howard said then they say reveal yourself and it turns out to be Rumor Willis. Howard cracked up when he heard that. He said she's a nice kid and all of that.
Howard said that's like what David wrote back to him. David said you know it's not going to be a huge star. He said the first one was Antonio Brown and they had to put up pictures of him playing football.
Howard said this is another one where the guy is dressed as an eagle. The hosts were guessing it was Howard Stern or Adam Carolla. Another host said that it could be Howard Stern. Another one said it could be Jeff Foxworthy. It turned out to be Dr. Drew. Robin asked if they ever get it right. David said they tell them to get it wrong.
Howard said he loves David's observations. He said he likes to hear this material. He said he has good stuff. David said he likes texting with Howard. He said he tries not to smother him.
Howard said the Lights Out with David Spade show is big. He said he had Jim Carrey on for an entire episode. He said you have to do that with a big guest like that. David said they do change it up a bit. He said when Sandler came on they just caught up and bullshitted. He said that Comedy Central is fine with that. He said Jim was willing to come on and do a panel but he's too big a deal to do that. He said he wanted to talk to him.
Howard said he used to email with Jim. He said he's very reclusive. He said he kind of disappeared. David said that was the fun of getting him. He said they just talked and had laughs.
Howard asked if he was around when he was coming up. David said not really. He said he and Judd Apatow went out and he was up for the part on In Living Color but he lost out to Jim. Howard said he heard he had booked 2 weeks in Hawaii doing stand up and they called him asking him to come in for the audition. David said he was a nothing back then. He said he was doing pretty good in comedy at 21 or so. He said he would have quit to be on that show. He said once he saw Jim do what he did he tapped out.
Howard asked if he watched the show knowing that was the guy who got it. David said you see him doing what he did and you know they made the right call. He said that wasn't really his thing. He said he just anted to show up and be told what to do.
Howard asked if Jim knew he was up for the part. David said he told him on the show and they laughed. He said he was around when he had the run of all of those big movies. He said no one has a run that hard.
Howard asked if he saw that movie Parasite. David said he just saw it on the plane there. Howard asked if it was good. David said was alright. He said it was a little weird. Robin asked what he would have taken over it. David said he doesn't know. Howard said maybe the Joker. He said he thought Joaquin was making sense at the Oscars. He said he liked what he was saying. David said he did too. He said he went to a couple of Oscar parties and he had to bust his balls. Howard asked if it's cooler not to go. David said he didn't take that route.
Howard asked David about going to these parties and if he went to the Netflix party. David said he didn't. He said he has done some specials and movies with them. He said he has another movie coming out with them.
David told Howard about how he met Ted Sarandos from Netflix when he bought his house in Malibu. He said he met him that way and they stayed friendly. He said he was from Arizona like he is.
David said he was invited over to Ted's house for the Golden Globe party. He said he sat with some people like Jimmy and Molly. He said they had about 40 people over. He said he Ted sat across from them. He said Tiffany Haddish and Ali Wong were there too. He said it was also Patton Oswalt and Bill Burr. Howard said Bill is a funny mother fucker. He said so is Patton. David said Bill Hader was there too. He said they were cracking up over something. Howard said he loves watching Bill doing that character who has the puppet. He said that's the greatest bit ever. He said not a week goes by that he doesn't watch it.
Howard said Bill seems very shy to him. David said he is. He said he's dating an actress. He said Kevin Hart, Eddie Murphy and Aziz were there at the party too. David said that Eddie was there and he tapped him on the shoulder and said he just wanted to say hi. He said he saw Ted and things got weird. He said Eddie asked for a hug and they talked for a while. He said they just had a conversation about Saturday Night Live and it was cool.
Howard asked if it was tough to talk to Eddie because it seems tough in the interviews he does. David said it's been tough since that one phone call when he wanted to beat him up. He said Eddie was very cool at the party. Howard said he pictures that party being Ted handing out money to everyone there. Howard said in that room they had people who have made a ton of money from Netflix. He said add it up and it's hundreds of millions of dollars.
Howard asked if the party was fun for him. David said it was. He said it was easy and everyone was laughing and cracking up. He said Ted texted later and he talked about seeing Eddie over there with him. He said poor Eddie has this shit with him but it's over. Howard said you'd think Eddie could take it. He said he has a thin skin. He said he does too though. Howard said if they had a fire there at his house during that party they'd lose half of the comedy world.
David said that Jimmy suggested this weed store to go to for his stuff to help his neck and back. He said he went to this random place that was really sketchy. He said this guy helped him out and asked what he needed. He said he asked for something to puff, puff and go to sleep with. He said he had like 700 pens to use and 10,000 different types of weed. He said he wasn't sure what to use. He said there is no way to measure it. Howard said he's so right. He said Seth Rogen and Snoop were on the show talking about all of the different types. He said back when he smoked it was just weed. He said there was one weed.
David said he wanted just some little pen to use and this guy had all kinds of stuff to eat and smoke. He said he had gummy bears and stuff and he wasn't sure how much to use. He said they told him to just use a little bit.
Howard said it's like a trainer in a gym who is going to wreck you. He said this guy is going to impress you by knocking you out for a month.
David said the worst is when he gets massages. Howard said he wont have a man do that. David said he gets scared because he doesn't want it. He said even some girls can get too rough. Howard said it is kind of a sexual thing even though it's really not. David said you can have a boner in your shoulder.
David said he got a massage a couple of years ago and he ordered a girl. He said then this knock happens on the door and there's this huge, Russian guy out there. He said he asked what he wanted and he was the masseuse. He said he told the guy he ordered a girl. He said the guy was the only one left that day. He said he agreed to try it when he heard he had to pay either way.
David said this guy put him on the table and he told him to tell him if he had any problems. He said he was really rough with him right away. He said he didn't want to say anything but it was 300 times to hard. He said he said something and the guy shushed him. He said he was smashing his face and he was in so much more pain than he was. He said he asked the guy to back off maybe 20 percent and he shushed him again. He said he left and he just laid there like he was in 1917.
Howard asked why we don't say something when it's going wrong. David said he just wasn't able to do it.
Howard asked more about being at Ted Sarandos' house. David said he never asks for anything from him. Howard asked if it's too hard to do a special because he'd have to write all new material. David said that is tough. He said that's part of it. He said there's Sebastian who keeps doing his thing. He said he rips through another hour and he can't do that. He said he writes a lot for the show and he could throw some of that into it.
Howard said David should put his observations into his act. David said they use that stuff for bumpers for the show. He said he thinks his act is telling stories. Howard said you can't give up your whole act on Netflix. He said that can be tough to come up with another hour.
David said his first special was an HBO special. He said everyone saw it. He said that was back when there were only 3 networks and HBO. He said it's different now. He said he saves his stuff for the TV show now.
Howard asked David about going to the party and if he eats before. David said he eats before so he can go in there and start drinking. Howard said he eats what he wants to eat and hates going to people's houses. He said sometimes they just have hors d'oeuvres. David said they had something there at Ted's house. He said it was either chicken or fish.
Howard asked who was the funniest at the party. David said he's not sure. He said he went out to Brunch with Jim Carrey after he did the show. He said he met Jenny McCarthy at his party years ago. He said Jim dated her after that. He said that Jim asked to go do something so they went to Brunch. He said it's weird for two dudes to do that. He said he was kind of nervous to do that. Howard said he's with him on that. He said it's pressure to keep the conversation going and all of that. David said you want to be okay without being stressed. He said it comes in waves. Howard said he would feel that he'd feel like he has to be on. David said he didn't get to so much stuff on the show and he wanted to talk to Jim about all of this stuff. He said he was happy that Sonic the Hedgehog did well.
Howard asked if he goes home and feels like he missed out on a bunch of questions. David said he's not a talk show host so it's not that bad for him.
Howard said he must have had a good conversation with Jimmy Kimmel at the party. David said he will go to people like that at a party because he knows them. He said they're nice to talk to.
Howard asked David about this Oscar party thing. He said there are parties all over Hollywood but only some are cool to go to. He said the Vanity Fair party is the one to go to from what he's heard. David said the William Morris party is the one without cameras. He said there are cameras at the Vanity Fair party.
Howard asked what happened this year. David said last year he was leaving and ran into Benicio Del Toro. He said he likes him and Sean Penn and guys like that. He said they're guy's guys. He said Benicio said they had another party to go to after the Vanity Fair party. He said it was Guy Oseary's party.
Howard asked where he stands at this point. David said he's a 10 o'clock with a plus 1. He said there are midnight invites without a plus one. Howard said this year he's at 10pm so his star must be on the rise. Howard said he's trying to understand this. David said he's sure here are better times. He said Sarah Silverman had a 8pm. He said she was thinking that 10 was better because the party isn't over at 10. David said if you show up early you can't get in. He said they'll turn you away. He said you go in and there's a line of cop cars. He said you have to have a driver to go. He said they have a placard on the car.
David said he was going to go from 10 to 11. He said they got there early and he went out to eat. He said his thing said 10 and his driver told him it was early. He said he was in the front and they pull up and this guy welcomes him. He said he flashes the light on the card and they said he was there early. He said then the main woman comes out and looks in. He said she says that she's so sorry that he's there 20 minutes early. He said he told her that he didn't know there were times. He said the driver said he told him like 50 times there was a time. She said that if it was up to her she'd let him in. Howard said this is embarrassing. Howard said he's a stand up and he has done movies. David asked if he could just leave 20 minutes early. She told him to go out and grab something to eat. She said just do a lap and show up at 9:50 and she'll look the other way.
Howard asked if he feels he doesn't get enough respect. David said he just tells those stories because they're funny. He said that one was funny. He said he goes in and there are fun people there. He said he sees why people will skip it and go to Guy's house. He said he thinks Jay Z has a party too but he wasn't invited to that one. He said he's not even aware of it.
Howard said a Leonardo DiCaprio must be able to do what he wants. David said he goes to the William Morris party. Howard asked if he hangs out with him at all. David said no. He said he's friendly though. He said you get professional courtesy from some people. He said he doesn't bug him. He said he knows Jonah Hill so they'll hang out. He said he'll talk to Jonah at that party. He said he saw John C. Reilly there too.
Howard said they went to some Grammy parties one year together. He said he was trying to set David up with Christina Aguilera. David said he always brings that up. Howard said they had Courtney Love in the car and they were just hanging out.
David asked if he saw The Bachelor last night. Howard said he did. David said he hasn't seen it yet. Howard said he saw that he watches with Jennifer Aniston. David said she watches with Mary McCormack. He said they love it. Howard said Mary will use a laser pointer and point stuff out on the screen.
Howard said David missed the home towns last night. He said that's where they go on dates in their home towns. Howard said that and My 600 Pound Life are the best shows. David said he thinks they're going to do a thing on his show where they watch shows. He said sometimes they have celeb types on the show and they can do stuff like that.
Howard asked if he likes doing the Lights Out show. David said it's harder than he thought it would be. He said it's a lot of work and he has to be ready to fill in if they stop talking.
Howard said he has a real job now. He said he got away with not having one for so long. David said he likes it better than going and doing a movie on location. He said he did a movie where he was in Boston and it was raining every day and he didn't know the cast and didn't have his crew there. He said it's way harder to do that than do this show. He said he's not sure he could do another show. He said he has a movie coming out called The Wrong Missy. Howard asked if he did that with Sandler. David said he did it on his own though Sandler. Howard asked what The Wrong Missy is. David said it's a light summer romp. He said it's sort of romantic. He said Lauren Lapkus is his love interest in it. He said there's also Molly Sims and Lauren. Howard asked if he makes out with Molly. David said he does. He said he had to shave for the movie. He told Howard what the movie is about and gave him the rundown of what happens.
Howard asked David if it's all getting exhausting. David said this is just two days that he's talking about. He said the show is fun but that takes all of his time. Howard said he's glad he doesn't live in Hollywood. He said he gets to stay home and watch My 600 Pound Life. David said he's trying not to be too sharp with people on his show. He said the comics want to burn him but the show really isn't like that. Howard asked if Comedy central lets him do his thing. David said they do. He said they don't even give you a 13 episode run. He said they just tell you to keep going until further notice.
David asked someone to bring in his coat so he can get his protein bar out. He said he's hungry. He said he'll eat while he's doing his thing. David said he won't even notice him eating. He crumpled the wrapper into the microphone.
Howard asked if that's what he eats for breakfast. David said no because he had something earlier. Gary brought in a napkin for him to use. David asked if he's worried about this Z-gallery couch.
Howard said when he had Sandler in there he told him that David's mom was introduced to Dustin Hoffman and she was impressed with that. David said she was very happy to meet him. He said he feels like when he comes on the show they talk about their hum drum lives. He said he doesn't get to hang out with Howard when he comes out there. Howard said he doesn't like to hang out. He said he was at Jimmy's house though. He said Adam Levine and his wife were there. He said his wife is who he likes. He said her name is Behati. He said even her name has Hottie in it.
David said he sat next to Jewel at Howard's birthday show. He said even he went ''Ooo'' when Adam started to sing Purple Rain.
Howard said David has two tattoos on his body and they were both put on by Sean Penn. He brought up Cindy Crawford's son getting one on his face. David said Cindy and Randy seem so nice. He said it has to be tough for them. He said Kaia Gerber goes out with that guy Pete Davidson and that has to drive them nuts. Howard asked if he doesn't like Pete. David wasn't really saying. He said then the kid gets ''Misunderstood'' on his face. He asked what happens when he is understood one day. Howard said the face tattoo has to be tough for the parents. David said Harper better not get a face tattoo. Howard asked how his daughter is doing. David said she's good.
Howard said David is in there to promote ''Lights Out With David Spade.'' He said he had some of his co-stars from Saturday Night Live and they were busting his balls. He said he saw that they mess with the format of the show too. David said they are. Howard said he used to come out with a red cup. He said he sees that he stopped that. David said he used to do that in the rehearsal. He said it felt weird doing it without something in his hand since he's used to stand up. David said they got itchy about it so he changed it to a darker one. He said they do bring this stuff up in meetings.
Howard said now they're doing the monologue at the end. David said they wanted to do that because everyone else does it at the start of their show. He said he tried it and they can change it back if it doesn't work.
David asked if this is the part of the interview here Howard says ''David Spade you've done it all.'' Howard said it is. He asked if he has done everything that he has wanted to do. David said he wanted to do a talk show. He said Chris Rock said that if you do a talk show that's the last thing you'll ever do. Howard said he has done it all. He asked what else he wants to do. David said he likes working with comedians. He said it's really hard but he likes coming up with shit. Howard said he's having fun then.
Howard asked what else he has to do that he can't die yet. David said he's just doing this stuff. He said he doesn't want to die yet. Howard said he doesn't either. He said he thinks about how much time he has left. He asked how people will exist without him around. He said there has to be something after. David said Howard has to come back for another contract. He said he can do his 8 shows a year or whatever.
David said he doesn't have reruns of his show so that's something he's pushing for. David asked if he can leave his garbage there. Howard said sure. He said he has people there for that.
David said he loves listening to the show. He said he listens every day. Howard said he loves when he comes in. David said he has stories to tell in there. He said he wants to crash one of his trips one year and out weird him. He said he knows Howard is weird. Howard said he left without saying goodbye to anyone this last Mexico trip. He said he just went home and didn't tell anyone. He said he left Beth at the dinner and she didn't know he left either. He asked if he thinks he can out weird him now. David said not now.
Howard asked if he heard the bit they did earlier about his name being offensive. David said he did not. Howard played it for him.
Howard asked what he's doing today. David said he's having dinner with Fallon. He said he doesn't have much else going on. Howard asked where they're going. David said they're going to a new place. He said he thinks Jimmy is bringing someone with him but he's not sure who. Howard said he has to know. David said he has to shut up. Howard said he has to tell him. David said it's not anyone he would know. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard said he has so much to get to but they have to get to news. He said he has to get out of there on time today. He said he has a whole situation going on.
Howard said when they went on vacation they had a lot of songs that had to do with her vagina. He asked Fred what he has today. Fred said he has a song parody to the tune of Men at Work's Down Under. Howard said this is about Robin going on vacation. He cut it off. Gary said it's about going to Australia and her vagina. Howard had Fred play the song. It was about her going away to Australia and smelling her twat down under.
Howard asked how long her flight was. He said she sprung that on him right before vacation. He said she told him she was going to Australia and he was like what the fuck. He asked how long the flight was. Robin asked if it includes the layover. Howard asked who long the whole mess was. Robin said it was like 22 hours. Howard let out and ''Oh my god.'' He said next time it will be a flight to the moon. He said he thinks that would be shorter. Robin said she thinks that's longer.
Howard said he used to think that her globe trotting was crazy. He said he worries about her but she doesn't. He said he told his mother about this. He said she goes to bed at like 7 every night. He said his sister likes to travel and she went to Cuba. He did his impression of his mother talking about that. She has a problem with travel. Howard had her talking about Robin traveling and how she'll get run down from that.
Howard said he knows how to get his mother going. He told her about the 20 hour flight. Robin said she was near the Coronavirus. Howard said she'll get that and come back giving it to him. Robin said she's fine. Howard said they got that from eating bats or something. Robin said they eat Kangaroos in Australia. Howard said they look like people. Robin said they can't farm them either. She said they say that they have become a nuisance down there. She said they eat crops and things. She said they may allow hunting of kangaroos.
Howard asked if she ate any bats down there. Robin said she did not. Howard said they eat snakes and bats in China and that's how they got the Coronavirus.
Robin started her news with a story about the Iowa Caucus that was a mess. Howard asked if she met any Aboriginal people down in Australia. Robin said they talk about how badly they treated the Aborigine down there. Robin said Australia was a penal colony and that's where England sent their criminals. Robin said they had a few people watch them do their time. Robin said they slaughtered the Aborigine. Robin said there are very few left down there who are full Aborigine.
Howard said what he did was watch Crocodile Dundee. Robin said she was tuning around the dial and it was playing on a channel there. Howard said that's the only movie they show down there. Howard did a live commercial read and took a break.
After the break Howard came right back and had Robin get back to her news. Robin read more about the Iowa caucus. She said the same thing happened in New Hampshire. She said they'll have to see what happens next. Howard said he likes that Buttigieg guy. Robin said she does too. Howard said he thinks Bloomberg is the right guy. He said he's middle of the road and he can get things done. Robin had some audio of a woman who found out Buttigieg is gay and she pulled her vote for him. She said she doesn't want ''someone like that'' in the White House.
Howard took a call from fake Chris Matthews who had some thing to say about the election. Fake Chris was talking very fast and rambling about the caucuses. Howard talked to him about Bloomberg and other things. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Pam Anderson's latest marriage lasting just 12 days. Howard said he loves the way she gets married. Robin said this is her shortest marriage on record. Robin read about some of the other marriages she's had that didn't last long. Robin said she married Rick Solomen and Kid Rock. She was also married to Tommy Lee. Robin said she didn't think this one was going to last. Howard said this is just cuckoo. He said he'd stay in it just for a month to see if it got better. Robin said there are people who were married a shorter time than 12 days. Robin read about some 9 day marriages. Howard said even people who cheat on their honeymoon last longer. Robin read about Dennis Hopper, Cher and Gregg Allman, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra and Britney Spears and Jason Alexander lasting less than 9 days.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that he is in a bad area so his phone connection might not be good. He said blacks are warming up to Bloomberg. He said he's liking him and he thinks he's going to be the front runner. Howard said he has no problem with that analysis. Howard said he thinks he was a good mayor. He said that's the best qualification for being president. Robin asked how he will do with congress. Howard said he thinks he can work with people. He said he was a republican and democrat and he's practical. He said he's liked the guy and Biden can't seem to get it going. He said he likes Bernie but he's too fucking wacky with some of his opinions. He said you need someone who disgruntled republicans and relate to.
King said he thinks that black people are conservative and they want to vote republican but now they can't. He said they won't vote for Buttigieg because he's gay. He said that's his take on the black vote. Howard thanked him for the call. Robin said he sort of made some sense this time. Howard said sort of. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Bloomberg banned big sodas and did some others stuff. Howard said he liked that. He said those sodas cause problems and make people fat. The caller said he agrees with him on that. Howard said the anti smoking thing saved lives too. He said he's happy about that too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he agrees with him on Parasite. He said it didn't deserve to win. Howard said this is why their ratings are down. He said it was entertaining but it wasn't a winner. He said it was like a Twilight Zone episode. Robin said it was a difficult story to tell in movie time and he did it.
The caller asked if he has been keeping track of Elliot Offen. Howard said he hasn't heard from him in years. The caller said he's charging people $100 to meet him at meet and greets. Robin said that's great for him.
Robin read more about the Pam Anderson divorce and read that the guy who married her was proposed to by Pam through text. Robin said he dumped this other woman and married Pam. He claims that she married him so he'd pay off her debts. Howard asked if he got to fuck her at all. Robin said you would think so if they were married for 12 days.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Larry (King of All Blacks) couldn't wait to get on the air to say that every black person is going to vote for Bloomberg. Howard said this is Joy who has argued with King before. Joy said that she knew he wanted to get on the air and make that announcement. Howard said he enjoyed when she was on with King. He said next time he's on she has to call in. Joy said she will. Howard let her go after that.
Robin said she was just looking at a picture of Post Malone and he has plenty of room for an ad on his face like Howard mentioned earlier in the show.
Robin read a story about Amber Rose getting a tattoo on her forehead. Howard asked what it says. Robin said it's the name of her two sons. Robin said a lot of people are clapping back at her for doing that to her face. Robin said she says she loves her sons. Howard said she either hates herself or she's bored. He said that's why you do that.
Robin asked Howard what he thinks about Adele's new look. Howard said he loves it. He said he loves TV shows where people lose weight. He said Adele is losing it and she looks great. He said she keeps losing it and keeps looking better and better. Robin said she might be getting too thin. She said she can see bone now.
Robin had some audio of Jimmy Fallon telling J-Lo about how great she was on the halftime show. Howard played that and said he disagrees with Jimmy on that. He said he doesn't believe that Jimmy believes that. He said he has to talk to him about that next time he sees him. He said he feels like he's in the Twilight Zone. He said her dancing isn't that great either. He said she's not in her prime and the singing is on a lip sync. He said the songs are inane. He said people are carrying on about it. He said music died or something. He said it just died. He said David Bowie is singing and music writing. He said Metallica, Foo Fighters, Sound Garden and Paul McCartney is real music. Howard played more of the Jimmy Fallon clip. He said he almost came in to do a show by himself to tell everyone that they're wrong. Howard said he feels like he's the only person who is right about this. He doesn't get it.
Howard said this Parasite movie wasn't that good. He said he was like what the fuck when he saw it. Robin said she never would have recommended it to him. Howard said it was fine but not the best movie of the year. He said The Joker and the Mr. Rogers movie was fabulous. Robin said it's the same movie made over and over again. Howard said stop it.
Robin said she didn't hear any of the National Anthems that were sung while they were off. She had a bunch for Howard to play. She had Demi Lovato singing first. Robin had some Boyz 2 Men singing it at a game too. Fred played Robin singing over that. She told him to stop that. Robin had Chaka Khan singing too. Fred kept playing Robin singing and she kept asking him to stop. Robin had John Popper playing harmonica at the Knick game. Howard said he got a big hug from John after that. He said he hadn't seen him in years. Robin said Fred is blowing her joke. She said she was thinking of going into the studio and putting words to John's harmonica. Howard said she has to do that. He said he wants that on the air tomorrow.
Robin read a story about Shannen Doherty announcing she has stage 4 breast cancer. Robin had some audio of her talking about that during an interview. Howard said she's 48 years old. He said it sucks that she's going through that. Robin had Howard play more of her interview. Shannen said she's not okay even though she's trying to stay strong through it all.
Howard said Robin has the best attitude. He said that's why she's alive. He said she doesn't let anything affect her. He said she's a life force. He said she had cancer and Chemo and went through it all. He said the Coronavirus tried to get to her but ran away. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the Boy Scouts filing for bankruptcy. Robin said they have so many lawsuits against them for sexual abuse from scout leaders that they are running out of money. Howard said he doesn't care about the Boy Scouts but whenever he sees guys who want to hang out with kids he gets suspicious of. Robin said what they did recently was start admitting girls. She said they might take the Girl Scouts with them. Howard said the uniforms were not cool at all. He said they had that metal thing in the neckerchief. He said that's not cool.
Robin read a story about the Harvey Weinstein trial wrapping up but the deliberations were held up by the President's Day holiday. Robin said they will start deliberating today about that case.
Robin read a story about Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend, Amie Harwick, being found dead. Robin said she was heard screaming and they think that an ex-boyfriend got into a fight with her and pushed her off a three story building. Robin said the ex has been arrested and charged with her murder. Howard said men are just fucking animals.
Robin read a story about how people are trapped on cruise ships because of the Coronavirus. Robin said there are people who don't even have windows in their rooms. Robin said this story was in the news while she was in Australia. Robin said they only let people out a couple of hours a day.
Robin read a story about a man who is blasting the state department for not helping them get out of Cambodia after being on a cruise ship over there. Robin had some audio of this guy talking about the 600 Americans that are being held up over there. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show doing his Cousin Brucie impression and singing along with his opening song. Howard said he has to fix his computers. He said they lowered them and he can see Robin now. He said he usually slouches down like a snail so he may have to go back to that.
Howard said they have so much to get to today. He said he'll say hello to a couple of people first. He took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that what he did for Richard was amazing. She said she cried yesterday. She said he's an amazing person. She said it's 99 (shows) days left until his contract is up. She asked if he thinks about it. Howard said he does every day. He said it's torture. Mariann said don't let it torture him. He let Mariann go after that.
Howard said it does torture him thinking about the contract being up. He said he thinks a lot about what it is they might do going forward. He said he has been putting a lot of energy into it. He said his agent calls asking what he wants to do. He said Jim Meyer has called. He said they do have 99 shows left. He said he never has a relaxing vacation because he has these things to keep him distracted. He said he wishes he could have a good vacation but he's busy. He said the one person he's not consulting is Fred. He said he's too emotional. Howard said Fred starts crying and it's obnoxious.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who said he has a joke about the Coronavirus. Speech said he did a show with Shuli out in Cleveland and in L.A. Howard asked if you're really a stand up if you do a show with Shuli? He said not really. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Speech Impediment Man and said he'd be a stand up if he did shows with Dave Chappelle. He said Shuli's rub doesn't make you go anywhere.
Shuli came in and said he's the one who is out on the road. He said Speech shows up and he puts him on for 5 minutes. He said he had a real heart to heart with him back stage and told him he can't bring him on the road with him. He said he told him that he doesn't do any jokes about his speech impediment. Speech said he has done that.
Howard said he isn't a stand up but what he does is comparable. He said he talks on the radio for 4 hours. He said people think he's funny and he realized you have to talk about the truth. He said he doesn't have a big dick and he hasn't been fooling people all these years. He said it's the pain of having a small phallus.
Howard said here's a guy who wants to be a stand up comic but his speech impediment keeps him from making it. He said think about that. He said you'd think he'd talk about the pain of that. Shuli said it makes you different than everyone else so lean into it. He said he has yelled at him about going to do stand up at clubs.
Howard asked why a stand up comic? Why not be a speech therapist? He said all he has to do is come out and talk about all of the jobs he tried first.
Shuli had Speech tell a joke he has about going to the doctor. Speech told it but Howard didn't understand it so Shuli had to tell it to him. He said it's not a bad joke. Howard said he didn't know what he said. He said it's actually a good joke.
Robin said he doesn't want to go out and do shows to work out his own material. He just wants to go on the road with Shuli. Shuli said they have a club where he could do 60 seconds and then do an interview. He said this is perfect for him. Howard said he's been at it for 25 years and it hasn't happened yet. Howard said maybe he can work some of Shuli's stuff into his act. Speech said he can try that.
Howard had Speech try out one of Shuli's jokes that he suggested for him. Speech did it but he didn't tell it right so they had to correct him on it. It was something about his wife divorcing him because she didn't understand him.
Speech said he has been telling jokes about his Colonoscopy. Shuli said he is very overweight and he walks with no balance. He said it's like a tree getting cut down. Howard said he can't talk and can't walk so there's a lot of humor there. He asked if he talks about why he's dressed like Superman. Shuli said sometimes. He said most of the time he just shows up in the outfit and sits in the audience. He said a lot of Stern fans know who he is.
Howard asked what his Coronavirus joke is. Speech told the joke about how next time you eat Chinese food just drink Coors light. Howard asked if that's the whole joke. Speech said that's the joke. Howard asked what the joke is. Shuli said that Corona is a beer so he's telling you to drink a different beer. Robin still wanted him to explain. Howard said please no.
Howard said he has read in the paper that people do think the virus was caused by that beer. He said why not talk about those idiots instead. Shuli and Howard had some suggestions for what he could do with that. Shuli said he should be coming up with his own jokes. Howard said the problem is that he can't even talk.
Shuli said he had Speech come up once and asked to do some time. He said he told him absolutely. He said the bartender thought he had to cut him off because he sounded drunk. He said he should use that story in his act. Robin said he does nothing with it. Howard said Speech laughs at everything and he thinks he's funny. He said he's a sweet guy though.
Howard asked if Shuli can write a few jokes for him to give him a jump start. Shuli said he can do that. He said he'll record them as him saying them and then they'll see how he does. Howard said that's a good bit.
Speech said he killed at the Long Beach Laugh Factory and in Cleveland. Shuli said he does well but they are just happy to see him there. Robin said it's like when Jerry Seinfeld shows up. Shuli said he's their Seinfeld.
Howard took a call from a comedy coach with a speech impediment. The caller sounded like Speech Impediment Man. He gave him some jokes to use that were similar to what Speech was doing.
Howard said this is the guy he needs. Robin asked if he gets the jokes. Speech said he does. The coach was telling funny jokes that were going over very well. He gave Speech some stuff to use. The coach gave him some material to use and he was laughing at his own stuff. Speech said he has to take him on the road. Coach said he's giving him the jokes so he won't be taking him on the road.
Howard had Speech tell the coach a joke. Speech told a joke about coming home and finding his blow up doll hiding from him in the closet. That was the whole joke. Howard said he might need to spend more time with the coach. The coach had a joke about having cancer and Alzheimer's and then saying that at least he doesn't have cancer.
Shuli said he has to laugh like that after every joke. Howard said he learned that from Jackie the Joke Man. Howard let the coach go a short time later. Speech said he's writing every day. Shuli told him to write more. Speech said he came up with the Coronavirus joke on his way to the Cleveland show.
Howard asked if he has a joke he wants to close with. Speech told a joke about going to the sperm bank to get some money but his deposit came back marked non-sufficient funds. Shuli said he loves that because he can't pronounce non-sufficient. He said Speech shows up at his shows and he'll just throw him up there to do a few minutes. He said he'll do an hour and he'll have Speech do 5 minutes. He said he brings him up as a surprise at the end.
Howard asked if he has to walk up there. Shuli said he has to walk up the stairs and he has trouble with it. Speech said he was in a car accident when he was little and it messed up his coordination and his speech. He said his head hit the dashboard. Howard asked if he's retarded. Speech said no. He said he has a brain injury. He said the back part of his brain was damaged and underdeveloped. Howard said that's what he wants to hear on stage. He said he should be talking about that in his act.
Shuli said this guy showed up in a wheelchair one time at his show and asked to do some material. He said this guy got up there and he was terrible. He said his friend leaned over to him and said if he was in a wheelchair he'd be killing. He said he was wishing he was paralyzed because there's so much material there. He said that's how he feels with Speech. He said it's gold. Howard said hopefully he's motivated now. He said he loves them trying to motivate him. Speech said he has a few shows coming up this week in San Diego. Howard said he'd just get up there and try to say San Diego for 45 minutes.
Howard asked if he has a real job. Speech said he's a security guard at a bank. He said he's been doing that for 18 years. Shuli said anyone could get away from him by just walking briskly.
Fred gave him a good line when he said ''Stop or I'll walk sideways!'' Shuli said walking is his Kryptonite. Howard and the guys were all throwing one liners out there for him. Howard asked if he's writing this stuff down. Speech said yes.
Howard told more jokes about his job and told him to talk about his life in his act. Howard had him talking about how this bank has no common sense so he doesn't do his own banking there. Howard had him telling the robber that he has to stop or he'll tell him his Coronavirus joke. Speech said he loves this. Robin said this has been laying there for him the whole time.
Howard did his impression of Speech and kept going with the bank jokes. Robin asked if he wears a gun. Howard said the bank robbers see him and think it's a trap. Speech said he has inspired him. Howard said he's going to kill tonight.
Shuli asked if they let him wear the Superman costume. Speech said they don't. He said he has to be dressed presentable. Robin said the only thing left for him to do is fall down.
Howard said jokes are his deadliest weapon. Speech thanked him for all of the material. Robin asked if he has any weapons. Howard said he has spit. They did impressions of him talking and slurring his speech so spit would come out. Howard had him threatening to do to the robber what he does to the English language. Howard said he has a million of them.
Speech was cracking up at all of this stuff. He asked if he would consider a Wack Pack radio hour when he retires. Howard asked if he's going to retire and put him on. Speech said yes. He said he'll get High Pitch and Elephant Boy to do a show. Howard said that's his plan. Robin said they have to give them a pilot and let them do it. Speech said Shuli can be the co-host. Howard said that would be a Twilight Zone episode for Shuli. He said he's waited all his life to get a radio show and he gets to do that.
Howard and the guys kept telling jokes as Speech Impediment Man. Robin said she has to see him dressed at work.
Howard had more jokes about his speech impediment that he threw out there for him. Howard said he somehow thinks all of this will bomb with Speech. Shuli said there's some other guy out there with a speech impediment stealing the jokes right now.
Howard asked how he laughs like that. He said he laughs like Dom Deluise. Fred had a laugh that sounded similar to him. Howard said how about just go up and play this segment on stage and just stand there. He said they'd be laughing in the crowd. He said he's the guy who called in and they can just look at him. Shuli said he doesn't laugh at anything funny, he just laughs at everything.
Howard said life is cool isn't it? He said all of this is going on in his head 24/7. He said his wife walks in and asks why he's laughing at himself. Speech said he has comedy sets going on in his head at work all day. Howard asked whose they are. He wished him luck and said he has a great sense of humor about himself. He said whenever you want to get on stage just shows up at a Shuli show.
Speech said he was going to tell Shuli that he was going to do Shuli's act on Friday when he wasn't able to show up at his show. Shuli said he can't even do his own act. He said he came on the air years ago telling a story about sitting between a Jewish couple. He said people want to hear that story in his show now. He said that's what people want to hear because it's a real story. He said they grasp on to things like that.
Howard said he has to go. He let Speech go and told him to go write some jokes. Fred did his impression of him talking about writing some rape jokes. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said while they were on vacation Buzzy Linhart died. He said he wrote the song ''You Gotta Have Friends.'' He said he was like 77. He said maybe 76. He said Bette Midler made a hit out of that song. He played some of her version of the song.
Howard said Buzzy was 76. He said he remembers being high as a kite in high school and he was laying on the floor wasted. He said someone put on music at a party he was at. He said the other guys were making out with women and he was laying there self medicating. He said he was freaking out because he felt like the guy could see him laying there. He said listen to the lyrics. He played the song ''The Love's Still Growing.'' He said check this out. He said picture him not getting laid to this song.
Howard let the song play and the lyrics were about being high and not being able to go on. Howard said he thought the guy was looking at him laying there on the floor.
Howard said he listened to that album every day when he was in high school. He played some other songs off the album ''The Time To Live Is Now.''
Howard said he found out about Buzzy dying from Ted Utz. He said he's retired but he used to be a Program Director. He said he has his own band now. He said he plays the bass and he has his move. He said he comes up to the microphone and harmonizes. Robin said she thinks she's not going to go look for that. Howard said he invited him out to his gig. He said he worked with him in radio in 1976 or something. He said he was a nice guy. He said he was part time. He said he was full time himself. Howard said he's not sure why he's talking about Ted.
Howard said he has to see if he has any facts on him. He said the other guy who died was Kirk Douglas. He said he lived to 103. He said that's awesome. Robin said those last few years had to be tough. Howard said he sees his parents and they don't look like they're having fun. He said his dad says he is though. He said he just sits there reading the paper. He said he reads the NY Times every day. He said he reads it and regurgitates it. He said he tries to talk to him about things in the paper but he doesn't say much. He said he likes to hear him talk about it.
Howard said his mom tells him that aging isn't for the wimpy. He said he asks his dad what he thinks and he says he's having a good time. Howard said they go and have their meals and they do their thing. He said his dad reads the paper. He was doing his impression of his dad talking about all of that. He said he talks about watching baseball and things like that. He said he used to like the Dodgers when they were in Brooklyn. He said he thinks he likes the Yankees. He said his father was always yelling at the game. He said he didn't really have any passion for it. He said he knows things about it. Robin asked if he ever went to the games with friends. Howard said his father never had friends. He said his mother said he didn't need them. Howard said his father had a friend once. He said his name was Ernie. He said he never saw the guy though. He said his father doesn't even know what happened to him. Howard said Ernie was at their wedding but they have no idea what happened to him. He said his mom would keep in touch with everyone but not his dad.
Howard said his dad never had friends. He said he did his chores on the weekend. He said they'd have people over on the weekend and party but it wasn't like he had friends. He said his father thought they were all dumb. He said he'd hear his parents talk about their party friends like they were doing a Wrap Up Show. He said it was just something to do. Howard said maybe they did like them. He said he shouldn't say that. He said they do talk badly about everyone. He said no one is as good as them. He said he heard all of this growing up and he became just like them.
Howard said Buzzy Linhart died. He said he has more of the songs from that album. He played another song of his from the album. He asked if Fred was into him. Fred said he wasn't but hearing this makes him think he was really good.
Howard said they had him on the show once but he didn't remember that. He said Gary had to remind him. Howard read about some of the things Buzzy did over the years.
Howard said he was good and he liked him. He played more songs from that album he mentioned earlier.
Howard said Buzzy was 76 and he's gone now. Howard said Dick Van Dyke is still around. He said he's 93. Robin said he still dances for people and shows off. Howard said it's horrible dancing but he does it. Howard said Sophia Loren is still alive at 84. He was asking Robin if she knows if they're alive or dead. Robin was guessing them right. Howard read about other old celebrities.
Howard asked if Abe Vigoda is still alive. Robin said he is. Howard said he died in 2016. Robin said she missed that. Howard asked about a bunch of others like Carol Channing and Carl Reiner. Howard asked about Julie Newmar. Robin said she's alive. Howard said she's right. Howard asked about Leslie Nielson. Robin said he's alive. Howard said he died in 2010. Howard asked about Burt Bacharach. Robin said he's alive. Howard said he is.
Howard asked about Little Richard. Robin said he's alive. Howard said that's right. He said you don't see him anywhere. Robin said no but he's still here. Howard said he remembers him being on all of the talk shows when he was growing up. He said he really doesn't know what his sexuality is.
Howard asked about Frankie Valli. Robin said he's still alive. Howard said she's right. Howard asked about Angela Lansbury. Robin said she's still alive. Howard said she's right again. He said she knows them all.
Howard said Kirk Douglas died at 103. He said he lived a really long time. Howard said he wants to live that long. Robin said he doesn't want to live to be a mess. She said she remembers seeing Katherine Hepburn being poured into a car once when she was really old. Robin said when you're like that you're aware of it. Howard said the other option is to be dead and lay there. Robin said at least you're not aware.
Howard read some things about Kirk Douglas like the fact that he was Jewish. He said he changed his name from Issur Danielovitch Demsky to Kirk Douglas. Howard played a clip where Stuttering John interviewed Kirk and Kirk asked ''What are you saying?'' It's a clop that Fred has played many times over the years.
Howard said those two guys died while they were away. He said rest in peace to them. He went to break after that.
Howard said someone else died that he didn't mention. He said that Ja'Net DuBois died. He said she was on Good Times. He said she wrote the theme song for The Jeffersons. Jon Hein said that she co-wrote it and she sings on it too. Howard said that's impressive. He played the song. He said that's one of the best theme songs of all time. Howard said he sang that with the choir in the studio. He played some of that.
Robin wondered if she got to hear that before she died. Howard said he heard she died because she did hear it.
Howard asked what the best TV show theme song of all time is. He said Sanford and Son was great. He played little bits of each song. Jon said that's a great theme. Robin said The Jeffersons tells a story. Howard had Good Times theme too. Howard said that's not as good as the Jeffersons.
Howard said Gilligan's Island was a good theme song too. Howard played some of that. He said it is great. Howard said the Jeffersons is more catchy. Robin said people sang it. Howard said Jon is bopping his head out there. He said how about the Monkees theme song. He said that's good too. He played that and said that was pretty good. He said it's between that and the Jeffersons. Howard said he's eliminating the others.
Howard asked which is better, The Jeffersons or the Monkees. Everyone agreed it was the Jeffersons. Howard said Jon said the SWAT theme was good. Jon said it was good but without lyrics. Howard said Mission Impossible was great then. Robin said sure but it's not a great song. Robin said Peter Gunn was a great song. Howard said no it wasn't.
Howard said how about Hawaii Five-O. He played that and they agreed it was great too. Jon said the drum is great in the start of that song. Howard said it's like a wave coming out of the ocean.
Howard said The Munsters is great too. He played that theme and said he thinks there were lyrics for that but they dropped them. Howard asked Robin what she thinks is the best out of all of the instrumentals. Robin said that's a tough one. Howard said he might have to get rid of the instrumentals. He said this is too hard.
Howard said Welcome Back Kotter was great too. He played that and said he doesn't think it's better than The Jeffersons. Howard said that didn't give you the story of Kotter. Jon said it did kind of.
Howard said when he came to WNBC they did a campaign where they said Howard's back. He said he was never there. He said he grew up there but he wasn't famous yet.
Howard took a call from a guy who said you can't forget The Flintstones or The Jetsons.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's watching Narcos Mexico. Howard said he is and it's so great. He said this is called Narcos Mexico and it's the second season of that. The caller said it's fantastic. He said a friend of his plays the lead DEA agent. Howard said that guy is awesome. The caller said he was in some great films. He said he was in Killing them Softly. Howard hung up on the guy and said who cares.
Howard said he hates reading the subtitles in Parasite but he doesn't mind it in Narcos. Jon said the acting is so good that you don't mind it. Howard said he also likes that they have them speaking real Spanish in the show. He said they don't paint them as idiots either. He said they're not bumbling fools.
The caller said he thinks that they based it on real stories. Howard said they did. He said Netflix is so good with that. He said they didn't even feature it as a new entry there. He asked Jon why they do that. Jon said he's not sure but that's how they do it. He said then you stumble upon it and think about how great it is that it's there. Howard said he streamed like 10 episodes in 2 days. Jon said that's what he loves about that too. Howard said CBS has to do that. He said they should put it all up there at once.
The caller said that he talked to his buddy Scoot McNairy and he told him that they shot in really shitty neighborhoods down in Mexico. The caller said he really likes the theme song. Howard said that's the one thing that he hates about the show.
The caller said he has to thank him for talking about how shitty the half time show was at the Super Bowl. Howard said music has really gone down hill. He said you don't need a stripper pole with Graham Nash.
The caller said that he checked out Billie Eilish on his show and now he's listening to her all the time. Howard said people want to hear the music from the show from over the years and they have it all up on the SiriusXM app. He said you can go back and listen to it. The caller said the app is great and well put together.
Howard said The Rockford Files had a good theme. Howard played a second of that and said that sucked. He played The Sopranos theme and said that was great too. He said The Jeffersons was great though. He played Laverne and Shirley's theme. Robin said that doesn't belong in the running. Robin asked about Happy Days. Howard said how about this. He played the Addams Family. Robin said the Jeffersons is better. Jon said that was great too. He said that they had Lurch in it and they set up the show too. Howard played that one over again.
Howard said when they were writing Private Parts he wanted to make Fred like Lurch and just have him grunt. Fred said that would have been so funny. Fred did his Lurch impression for him. Howard said he's got it.
Fred asked about the Batman theme. Howard said that was good. Robin said that was awful. Jon said it was good. Howard played that. Howard wondered who played trumpet at the start of the song. Robin said that's a lazy song. Howard said he could write this.
Howard said the guy who wrote the Addams Family song also wrote Green Acres. He said his name was Vick Mizzy. Howard and Robin sang some of that song. Howard said that's not better than the Jeffersons.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said Batman was great. He said how about Star Trek and Get Smart. Howard said Get Smart was instrumental. Howard played some of that and said that was pretty fucking good too. Robin said how about Car 54 Where Are You. Howard said Robin is old. He said this whole bit is old. He said anyone under 40 has no idea what they're talking about.
Howard said he's making the point that The Jeffersons theme is the best ever. He played some of the Green Acres theme. Howard said he wanted to fuck that Ava Gabor. Robins said she came on the show once. Howard said he wanted to have intercourse with her when she was on that show.
Howard asked about the Dukes of Hazard. He said they're not even in the running. Jon said that was a good one. Howard played some of that song. Howard said he hated that show. Jon said Daisy Duke was excellent. Robin said she knew then that women were as bad as men because she watched the show just to see their asses. Howard asked who Daisy Duke was. Jon said that was Katherine Bach. Howard said he never watched the show.
Howard said the Andy Griffith Show had a great theme. Howard played that theme. Robin asked about the Gomer Pyle theme. Howard said he doesn't have that one. He had the Flintstones though. Howard played that one. He said he's making a case that the Jeffersons theme was the best of all time.
Howard played the Friends theme. Robin said they used to play this at WNBC. Howard said that was the worst part of his career. He said he doesn't love that song. Robin said the used to play the Hill Street Blues theme. Howard said it was better than the other shit they were playing.
Howard played The Brady Bunch theme. He said it was good but not as good as The Jeffersons. He said it's the greatest of all time. Howard said Ja'Net DuBois is probably still making money on that song. He said she gets paid every time it plays. Howard said Johnny Carson took his theme song and made money off of that every time it played.
Howard played the Mr. Ed theme song. He asked if that's better than The Jeffersons. Robin said it's not as good. Howard said they had a song where Mr. Ed made love to Jessica Hahn. He said he got four hooves stuck inside her pussy. He said those were the good old days. Robin said no wonder they kicked them off radio. Howard said Bernie Sanders defended them though.
Ralph said how about Star Trek. Howard said that didn't have any lyrics. Howard had Fred dig that one up. Robin said she was in Australia and Williams Shatner was promoting a Star Trek convention and he really didn't want to do that. She said they introduced him as Captain Kirk and he said no, he's William Shatner. Robin said they asked what goes on there and he didn't know. Howard said you have to go in there with a good attitude if you're going to take the money. Howard played the Star Trek theme.
Howard played the Facts of Life theme and the Miami Vice theme. Jon said that the Facts of Life was written by Alan Thicke. Howard played the Beverly Hillbillies theme and said that's really good too.
Howard said the best character ever was Jethrine on The Beverly Hillbillies. He said he was the first known drag queen on TV. Ralph said he was just in a wig and not shaved. Howard said he has proven the theory that The Jeffersons was the best theme song ever.
Jon said he has two more. He said The Twilight Zone. Howard said that's the best without a vocal. He said it's the best instrumental. Ralph said how about the Rockford Files. Robin said that show was no good and the theme sucked.
Jon said how about Game of Thrones. Howard said it's not the best. Howard had Fred play the Twilight Zone. Howard said the best TV theme song was The Jeffersons. Robin said how about All in the Family. Howard said that was good too. He said The Jeffersons was perfect. Jon said it's funny how they know hundreds of theme songs. Howard said he could do this all day. He said he loves it.
Ralph asked about the Banana Splits. Howard asked Fred to find that one. Ralph knew the lyrics to that. Fred played the song. Robin said she knows this. She said she didn't know what Ralph was doing.
Howard said he thinks he's established that The Jeffersons was the best. He took a call from a guy who said WKRP had a good theme song. Howard didn't remember that one. Jon knew the song so he sang it. Fred played the song after Jon sang it. Howard said this is pretty bad actually.
Jon said how about the Mary Tyler Moore show theme. Howard asked Fred to find that. Fred said he found it but you have to wait for the computer. He played the song and Howard said that every guy wanted to fuck her. Robin said they wanted her on the Dick Van Dyke show. Howard said he loved how she wasn't able to get a date. He said everyone was in love with her. Howard said it's still not as good as The Jeffersons.
Howard took a call from the Hulk who was asking about the theme to his show. Howard said this was a great song too. He said Bruce Banner had a sad life and this song put it all together. Robin said he's going a long way to make it better. Howard said this is up there with the non-vocals. Hulk said that It's Garry Shandling's Show was great too.
Howard took a call from fake Chris Matthews who said he's missing a big one. He said it's the Hardball show on MSNBC. He played that for Howard. Howard asked if he's going to watch the debates tonight. Chris said he will and went into a rambling rant about that. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from Jon Hein audio book and the guys had Jon singing the Laverne and Shirley theme. Howard tried to say something but the guys kept playing the audio. Real Jon was laughing on the microphone in the office. Howard asked how long it took Jon to write this. Jon asked them to keep it down because this is interesting stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was thinking about the COPS theme. Howard said that is a good one. He sang some of that. He said that's good. Robin said not as good as The Jeffersons. Fred played some of the song for him. Howard said he should play Robin's new song. He said Robin went into the studio yesterday. Howard said he thinks he has proven his point about the theme.
Fred said how about Secret Agent Man. Howard said come on. Fred played the song and Howard said you can't go by the charts. Fred had said the song was on the charts.
Ralph asked about Lost in Space. Robin asked if he saw the new season of that show. Howard said he did.
Ralph asked how many seasons of Picard he saw. Howard said he saw a few. He said he was watching it but went on to something else on Netflix. Ralph said he zoned out after 4 episodes. Jon said people aren't willing to wait if you're doing a streaming thing.
Howard said he likes this Picard show on CBS All Access. He said he forgets about that and watches Netflix instead. He said they're off their fucking rocker. Ralph said if it was great you'd wait for it.
Howard said Robin, like the Who, wasn't able to stay out of retirement. He said she came back. He said they talked about people singing the National Anthem and Robin was inspired to do something. He said he played a clip of John Popper playing harmonica and Robin wanted to add vocals to that. He said here it is. He said this is Robin with John Popper. He said the whole country was waiting for this. Howard said Robin was jiggling her throat with her finger to get a certain note out of herself. Howard played the clip of Robin singing along with John Popper. Howard was cracking up at it. He said that's not an easy song. He said Fred is standing with his hand on his heart. Howard said Colin Kaepernick finally stood for this one.
Howard had to cut it off. He said he's heard enough. He said Robin asked if she should record that. He said of course she should. Howard said Richard was saying he was afraid of her and kept his mouth shut during her performance. Robin said he did stand there and did what she told him to do. Robin said she was trying to listen to the harmonica and Derek is explaining what she's listening to. She said she can't hear because he's talking. Howard said he has to go to one of these sessions.
Howard asked if Robin will keep singing. Robin said she may come out of retirement from time to time. Howard said he's going to take a break and come back with more.
Derek came in and said he was just trying to help Robin by telling her when she was getting lost. Robin said she had it playing back again and again for a reason. Derek said he was just trying to keep the train on the tracks. Howard asked when you know it's on the tracks. Howard said Robin is Derek's Ike Turner. Derek said he thinks things went well and then she gets on the air and it all goes to hell. Derek said it was great to be back together with her. Howard said they did a great job. Howard played a little bit of Robin singing without the harmonica. He went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's not a very patriotic person but he wonders if when Robin sings the song it's disrespectful. He said when Roseanne did it she was very disrespectful. Robin said Roseanne grabbed her crotch so she will never do that. The caller said they don't know what she's doing in the studio. Robin said she just told him what she's doing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked for his thoughts on electric vehicles. He said he knows they're good for the planet but are they a good value. Howard said it has to be the wave of the future. Howard said he has friends who have them and they say they're fabulous. He said getting away from being dependant on oil is good. He said his friends say that it's so quiet you don't even know it's on. He said if he buys another car it's going to be electric. He said he doesn't drive that much though. He said he barely leaves the house. He said his wife said he doesn't need a new car because he doesn't go anywhere.
Howard asked the caller what he thinks about electric cars. The caller said they're good. Howard said from what he understands they're fucking great. He said that guy Elon Musk is doing great. Robin said SpaceX just sent some rocket up and it deployed some satellites. Howard said he bought Fred a ticket so he could go home. Robin said the rocket came back down and went into the water instead of where it was supposed to land. She said they need some work on that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves Howard but Fred is the unsung hero of the show. He said his impressions are great. Howard said he'll allow that today but don't call in to compliment Fred again. He said he is the unsung hero. He said he sings about him every day.
Howard said he's going to play a couple of things. He said he has a Jack and Rod Show bit that Sal and Richard did. He said they took up this woman's time by having on a child named little Donnie. He said that's Donald Trump with his voice sped up. Howard played the bit where Sal and Richard had little Donnie talking to this author about the fake news media and things like that. The guest tried to talk to Donnie but he was going on and on interrupting her with his comments.
Howard and Robin got a laugh out of it. He said that poor doctor had to deal with Little Donnie. He said he can see some potential in that character.
Howard asked who he hates more than anyone. Robin asked who. Fred played some Riley Martin clips like Hugh Jassole and things like that.
Howard said the Coronavirus has happened and now they're all trying to make money off of it. He said this guy is from Nebraska and his name is Hank Kunniman. He played a clip of Hank rambling on and on about how this virus is taking other countries and not this one.
Howard said this guy Rick Wiles runs something called True News. He said this guy thinks it's a plague that was sent by god. Howard played that clip next. Rick says that God is purging a lot of sin on this planet.
Howard said China got this virus because they eat shit that they're not supposed to eat. He said these guys go on and on.
Howard said this is another one of Rick Wiles talking about how you have to stock up and leave the big cities to avoid this shit. Howard said some of these guys conveniently sell this shit. Howard played the clip where Rick talked about moving out of town and how you should keep your lips zipped if you are moving.
Howard said many of these followers are old people who are worried about dying. He said Jim Bakker is using this to sell product. He said he has something called Silver Solution and he's saying this will help with the Coronavirus. He said they claim it can kill every venereal disease and other things. Howard played a clip of Bakker talking about how this stuff kills every venereal disease. Howard asked if they have laws against this shit.
Howard said now Bakker has a new selling situation. He said of course this stuff kills the Coronavirus. He played a clip where Bakker was pushing that to kill the virus. JD said the woman in the clip is a Naturopathic doctor. Howard said Bakker says that you just need this stuff to help but this woman reigns him in a bit. The woman said that it hasn't been tested on this strain of the Coronavirus but it has on others. She said it kills it in 12 hours. They were really pushing this stuff. Robin asked who the other woman was. JD said that's Jim's wife. Howard said what a racket he has. He said he says he has the cure for this Coronavirus. He said that woman is a Naturopath. He said she probably went in the woods to get her diploma.
Howard said Bakker claims that this silver stuff cures SARS and HIV. Howard played a clip where Jim was talking about how he wouldn't have made it without this stuff. Everyone on stage was backing the stuff saying it can kill every pathogen including SARS and HIV.
Howard said get that stuff and forget everything else. He said if Kobe had taken it he'd still be alive from crashing in that helicopter.
Howard asked if Jim is selling his own brand of silver. JD said he thinks he takes in other brands and sells it there. Howard said he spent time in jail for scamming people. He asked how you believe that guy. He said Sal is a guy who would believe this stuff. He said he had a yeast infection on his cock and nothing worked. He said then he went to a real doctor and in a couple of days it was healed up. He asked why go to a real doctor when you have Jim Bakker.
Sal got on the microphone and said that he put tea tree oil and yogurt and garlic on it. He said that was the worst. He said he let it stay out the whole night and it went bad. Howard asked how long it took after going to the doctor. Sal said he told him to take Monistat7 and it 2 days it was gone. Howard asked what the fuck is wrong with him. Robin said he does it every time.
Howard asked what the red yeast rice was for. Sal said his cholesterol was really high. He said he went to the doctor and he put him on something and it dropped by 55 percent. Howard said he loves to understand Sal because he has to be the prototype for the kind of people these guys prey on. Howard said Sal will be on this silver solution. Sal said he heard it turns your whole body blue. He said he knows about that stuff so he didn't use it.
Howard said Jim Bakker wants to meet Sal. He said he knows he could get some money out of him. Sal said he does go to the doctor now. Robin said he will still look things up on the internet. Sal said he's done with that. He said he's got a doctor now.
Howard asked if Sal is still vaping. Sal said he is but he's down to 3mg. He said he was up to 32. He said he's down to 3. Robin said he should be able to put the vape pen down. Sal said he has an oral fixation. Howard said babies have oral fixations. Sal said his wife calls it his pacifier. Howard told him to grow up. Fred played Sal off with a song parody about how he doesn't know much about anything. Howard said Sal's vape pen is charging right now.
The caller said that the day before that she had been doing a puzzle and she started to cry over it. He said he had a feeling something else was going on.
Howard said he likes that he told the kid that she won't be getting her uterus bashed in by a cock. The dad said that he was happy he wasn't being told this by a son. Howard said he should have cut this discussion off earlier.
The dad asked Robin if she ever fantasizes about John Stamos when she's smelling herself. Robin said she doesn't think about that.
Howard let the guy go after he mentioned his mom would take his temperature by his ass like Howard's mom did. He said then she'd try to put it in his mouth.
Howard said it's good that they didn't lay a trip on this kid. He said you can't do that. He said they want to be able to talk to their parents. He said look at him he's Mr. Helpful.
Howard said next Wednesday Chris Wilding is going to be searching for High Pitch Erik's cock. Howard said they also have an announcement to make. He said (Fake) Governor Jesse Ventura will be joining them for the news. Howard asked if he's there yet. He said he'll wait until after the break to find out. They went to break after that.
Howard said he likes this song. He let it play a little longer. He said Lemmy from Motorhead wrote the lyrics to this one. Robin said she didn't know that. She said she thought it was about Sharon. Robin said don't tell Sharon.
Howard said Governor Jesse Ventura is there. He asked if he's an Ozzy fan. Jesse said they used to go bite heads off of various water fowls together. Howard said it's great to see him. He said he must have thoughts on a lot of things. Jesse said he has third party thoughts. He said we have to ask the environment what it wants. He said there are creatures out there that they have to talk about. He said there are baby Yodas out there. He said he used to sit with Kermit the Frog and talk about the environment. Howard asked if he's going to run for president. Jesse said he's all in. Howard said it's late in the game to get into it. Jesse said he thinks he's a gambler and he looks at it like blackjack. He said there are 20 people running and he hits on 20. Howard thanked him for being there. He said he'd love to hear his thoughts during Robin's news.
Howard said many songs are coming in about Robin smelling her own vagina. He said people are taken with this. He said he has yet another song about that. He had Fred play that for her. Howard said more people have written songs about that than about the Vietnam war.
Howard said they love the fans sending email. He said they were very taken with David Spade. He said most fans agree he's one of the greatest guests of all time. Howard read some of the fan feedback about David.
Howard read some feedback about how he sent Richard to the Super Bowl. Howard said people thought it was very nice that he sent him there. Howard said people were crying over that.
Howard said Richard screaming and carrying on was also mentioned. Howard said someone said their dog ran into their kennel when they heard Richard screaming and yelling.
Howard said many listeners were touched by his analysis of the movie ''Parasite.'' He read that email and some about the halftime show. Howard said he was talking to Ralph about that and he said it was flashy but it's supposed to be flashy. Howard said it's also about the music and the music wasn't good.
Howard asked Jesse what he thought of Parasite. Jesse said that should have been the halftime show at the Super Bowl.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Jesse why they never hear anything about the mass shooting in Las Vegas. Howard asked what he would do about that if he were elected. Jesse said he'd do an investigation to find out if it was real or not. He said it was at the Mirage casino so maybe it was a mirage.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked Jesse about the Denver airport housing the doomsday bunkers. Jesse said they'll find out about that when he's elected. He said they'll put lights all over Denver. He said they'll have a military force of truth tellers in the Pentagon when he's president. Howard said he has his vote. Jesse said he's going to do a lot in the mountain time zone.
Howard asked Robin to start her news. Robin said there's a bid to put a warning label on porn sold in Utah. She said she has some audio of this senator talking about the bill and why he wants it passed. Howard said it should say ''Warning: May cause jizz!'' Robin said she's not sure what that would do having a warning on porn. Howard said it will cause your body to grow in places it doesn't usually grow. Howard said he watched porn last night and there was no label on it. Robin had Howard play the clip. The guy was saying that it will have a real consequence with real enforcement. Robin said the house passed the bill with a 60-12 vote. Robin said they say that the producers of the porn have to put in a warning about what it can do and how the youth can be affected.
Howard had fake Alex Jones on the phone because he was endorsing Jesse Ventura. Howard let the two of them go back and forth with that bit for a short time. Howard said they have to get back to news.
Robin read a story about Rosario Dawson and Corey Booker. Robin said Rosario told Corey that she's a bisexual. She hasn't had a relationship with a woman and she would rather have one with a man. Robin said this was very interesting.
Robin read a story about the State of the Gay Union address that was held on the Logo network. Robin had some audio of someone speaking at that state of the union.
Robin read a story about Joy Behar and Megan McCain going at each other on The View again. Robin said this time it was over Mayor Bloomberg running. Robin said Joy is all for it and Megan says she's not voting for either one. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Howard said you'd think that Bloomberg would appeal to someone like Megan. Robin said they just get into this shouting match on that show. Howard said he's not sure why the guy would want the job with all the money he has.
Howard took a call from fake Mitt Romney and talked to him about what he did for Valentine's day. He also voted to remove Trump in the impeachment hearings. Howard stuck with the bit for a few minutes.
Robin read had more audio from The View for Howard to play. Howard said everyone seems miserable on that show. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about what happened to Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend. Robin said they found that she was strangled before she fell 3 stories. Robin said that they have footage of the subject coming and going from the scene.
Robin read a story about the crash in the Daytona 500. Howard said Ronnie gave him an update on this. He said that the car gets pushed by another car. Robin said when you push one it's part of the race. Ronnie came in and said it's called bump drafting. He said it pushes them forward. He said they do touch. Howard asked how this works. Ronnie said this guy was leading and the two drivers behind are bumping each other to catch up. He said once they get past the leader then the other guy can swing out and try to win the race. Howard asked if they team up to bump draft. Ronnie said they do that on super speedway tracks. He said they can speed together until the last corner and then they can try to get out in front. He said Newman tried to block them and they were going to fly by him. Howard asked why he would want to be in front. Ronnie said that it's like a small freight train and they can fly right by him. He said it's all of the aerodynamics.
Howard said Ronnie told him about his Valentine's day. He asked him to tell him what happened. Ronnie said they don't usually go out on Valentine's day. He said he calls it amateur night. He said Stephanie usually cooks. He said she rarely does it anyway. He said she made this shrimp dish with pasta. He said they had this cake thing that was nice. He said he was watching the news and he didn't realize that she went in and changed and came out in an outfit with black bikini panties and a black top and black boots. He said he loves boots. Ronnie said she came out in the boots and he didn't even know it. Ronnie said he was watching the news and she tells him dinner is ready. He said he was like ''Whoa!'' He said he boned up and they went at it and that was that. He said it was pretty quick.
Howard said he painted a picture for Beth. Ronnie said he wrote a poem for Stephanie. He said she said he never writes one for her so he did it while she was at work. He said he shut everything off in the house and came up with a poem. He said it took him about 2 hours to write it. He said it was all about her. He said she can share it with them if she wants. He said she put it in a frame and hung it. Howard asked how many curses are in it. Ronnie said none. He said he didn't curse once. He said he wrote about her eyes and hair and things like that. He said that was the whole deal.
Howard and Fred came up with their own parts of the poem for Ronnie. They were cursing up a storm. Ronnie said he didn't curse. Howard said he has to hear this poem. Robin said someone call Stephanie and ask if they can read it.
Howard said he painted Beth a picture. He said no one was fucking over shrimp though. He said they had a nice Valentine's day. He asked Beth why he didn't get laid that day. She was tired. He said they had sex the next day. Ronnie said he should have done it right after he gave her that painting. He said he has to take her like a caveman.
Howard said the painting was very small like 5x7. He said he and Beth had put their names in cement and it was covered over by slate and stone. He said a friend took a picture of the cement and he took that and painted it. He said she seemed very moved by it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is a moron with the NASCAR accident. He said Ryan Newman went down to block. Ronnie said he said that. He called the caller a moron. Ronnie said he told Howard he went down to block. The caller said the bump drafting happens all the time during the race. He said it's not just the end. Fake Jesse went off on the guy and said he can't talk to Ronnie like that.
Howard said Ronnie had some Valentine's day. He said he has it going on over there in that place. Robin said he can't figure out how to marry that girl. Ronnie said he'll figure it out. He said he has to figure out when the time is right. Robin asked what he's waiting for. Ronnie said they have stuff going on.
Howard asked how many drafts he went through. Ronnie said he kept starting and stopping. He said he would rip it up and restart it. He said he knew what he wanted to say in his head. Howard said he should have picked and chosen what he wanted to write.
Howard asked if he writes in all caps. Ronnie said sometimes. He said he has shit handwriting. Fred made up some stuff Ronnie could have said. Howard asked if he spell checked. Ronnie said he thinks he spelled it all right. He said he got a card with a cat on the front of it and saved it for when he did this poem. Howard said he's Mr. Romance over there. Robin said he's planning ahead.
Howard said he's a lucky man. He said he rides in the back of the car and hears these stories and his head spins. He said he likes that she didn't tell Ronnie she was going to do this. Ronnie said he couldn't see what was going on in the dining room. He said she kept the lights out too. He said she had a little black top on and he saw her ass in the bikini bottom. He said it was exposed like bikini bottoms. Ronnie said it was like bikini underwear. Howard asked if he chubbed up right away. Ronnie said he did. He said it took him by surprise.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is sounding really rapey right now. He said that usually you want to ask someone before you have sex with them. Robin said she was giving him the sign. Howard said he isn't sounding rapey right now.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is just repeating what the NASCAR announcers are saying. Ronnie asked him to explain it better then. The caller said he was hit on the side too. He said it wasn't team work. Ronnie asked what he's talking about. Fake Jesse helped Ronnie out by going off on the caller for him.
Howard asked if Ronnie fucked her with her boots on. Ronnie said no doubt. He said she told him to get his drink and he got up and grabbed her. He said he dragged her into the bedroom. Howard asked if he laid her down on the bed. Ronnie said he did. He said he took her panties off. He said he didn't care at that point what was going on. Howard asked if he took her from behind. Ronnie said he did some other stuff first. Howard said he went down on her. Ronnie said right. Robin said this could be the best sitcom of all time. Howard asked how long he spent down there. Ronnie said it wasn't long. He said they went right at it. He said she likes when he takes her like that. Howard said then he went down on her and put his penis inside. Ronnie said that's right. He said then they went and ate dinner.
Howard asked if she kept those clothes on. Ronnie said she got into yoga pants and a tank top. He said he loves her in that. He said last night she was wearing that with a white tank top and no bra on. He said she said she was all lit up so she had to grab a sweatshirt. Howard asked if they did it just the once on Valentine's day. Ronnie said it was just once.
Howard asked Jesse what he thinks about this. Jesse said he's not afraid to be aggressive but he likes to be put in the Camel Clutch too.
Howard asked Ronnie if he's going to have plans for St. Patrick's day. Ronnie said they'll be away. He asked if he's allowed to talk about that. Howard said he can talk about whatever he wants. Ronnie said someone very nice gave him an all expense paid vacation to Puerto Rico. He said hopefully there won't be an earthquake. He said the nice person who did that is sitting behind the desk there. Howard said it was Ronnie's 70th birthday and he had to do something. He said he heard about this nice resort so he's sending him there. Ronnie said he got all choked up over that. Howard said he did tell him he had something in the works for him.
Robin said Howard is like Santa over there. Howard said he was just thinking about how good a guy Ronnie is. He said he's always there for him and he's a good man. He said he loves the guy. Ronnie said he was really taken back. Robin said he loves his trips with Stephanie. Howard asked if he's bringing his cock rings. Ronnie said of course he is. He said he has them in his travel bag all the time. He said he has some backups too. Howard said he does that with his Metamucil. Ronnie said they have a new one to try out. He said he can't wait to try them.
Howard said Ronnie is a very sexual guy. He thanked him for coming in. Ronnie said it was a great gift. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard asked Robin if she has more in the news. Robin said the President handed out a bunch of pardons yesterday. She said this is another round of pardons and clemency that the President saw on FOX News. Robin said a lot of the people were frequent guests on FOX News. She said they're promoted by FOX News personnel. Robin said the list came out yesterday and people are asking ''why now?'' She said that it's hitting close to what the President was accused of and he's putting it in the light of judicial overbearance. Robin read about some of the people that were on that list. She had some audio of Trump talking about Rod Blagojevich and how he commuted his sentence. Robin said many people have been given harsh sentences for things that are legal now. Robin said they're not on FOX News so the President isn't interested in them. Robin said they're the people who are nice to him. Howard asked Jesse if he would pardon people. Jesse had a list of people that he'd pardon. Many of them were fellow former wrestlers.
Robin read a story about the sanctuary city battle Trump is having with New York. Robin said they're blocking global entry into New York now. Robin said they don't agree with how New York is sharing information with the government so you can't get out of the airport quickly when you come in through New York.
Robin read a story about Michael Bloomberg taking part in the debate tonight. Robin said he says he will sell his company if he becomes president. Robin said that's what many people do when they run. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how in the polls they're saying that Bernie Sanders has a big lead over the other democrats in Nevada. Robin said Bloomberg isn't on the ballot there.
Robin read a story about how the David Byrne Broadway show has extended once again so you still have time to see it. Howard said he was going to go but he chickened out. He said the thought of being out of his house for 2 hours was scary. Robin had some audio of some of his songs from the musical. Robin said they say that 10 of their staff members have seen the show. Robin said he will be the musical guest on Saturday Night Live on February 29th.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard wrapped up with fake Jesse Ventura. He spent a minute talking to him about a few things. He asked who he would go see if he was going to a comedy show. He screwed up and said Eddie Peppitone. Howard said he was trying to give him a plug. He eventually got one in for James Adomian... who did the voice of Jesse. Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Today's show was over around 11:10am.
Today's show was over around 11:00am.