Howard started the show doing his Goldust impression. Fred played some Goldust clips and some clips from Fist Fest. Howard said Welcome to Tradio too. Robin asked if that's what he's going to do after this. Howard said he's pretty much done. He said he goes home and he gets all anxious when he has to come back to work. He said he has to get out. He said he's done in 2 years. Robin said he shouldn't have to have an excuse. She said he should just leave when he wants to.
Howard said all he's capable of doing is the radio show. He said with the book promotion he was excited to go out and talk about the book but he's all stressed out about it. He said he got stressed out about the Letterman interview he did. He said he thought he was fine with it but he really wasn't. He said the Radical brothers produced his Netflix show and he wondered what they knew. He said they wanted him to go ride around on a horse. He said he has a job and he can't be going around doing that. He said Dave has time for that and he doesn't. Howard said he has a busy life. He said use your head.
Howard said he's trying to remember his week. He said he did the radio show with Robin last week. He said on Tuesday he did the show. Then Fred started playing some clips from Fist Fest and some Wendy the Slow Adult clips together. Howard said the kids love mash ups like that. He said everything he's done in his career has been eclipsed by that Fist Fest. He said people are still talking about it. He said they can't get over it. Robin said you can't get it out of your mind.
Howard said he was watching that show COPS. He said this guy was screaming in the back of the cop car and it sounded like Fist Fest. Howard played a clip where the guy was screaming as they were putting him in the back of the car. Robin said they didn't scream that much in Fist Fest. Howard said this guy is screaming while being arrested. He played another clip of a guy going crazy while being arrested. Howard said the cops have to be parents to these adult children. The guy screamed like they were torturing him. The guy claimed he was having a heart attack. Howard said he sounds like a human car alarm.
Howard said that's how Benjy would sound if he was being arrested. Fred played some Benjy clips over that. Howard said they should put a fist in his ass to calm him down.
Howard said imagine being a police officer and having to baby sit human trash. He said that's an asshole mashup. He said he loves listening to that. He said this is a guy being put into a car. He played another clip of a guy telling the cop what to do as he was being put in the back of the car. The guy said he was going to kill the cop's wife.
Howard said threatening to kill a guy's wife never works out. He said it's all guys screaming like children. He played more of the guy screaming as he was having his rights read to him. The guy was screaming that he was disabled. Robin said he's kicking the windows of the car and saying he's disabled.
Howard said they don't pay cops enough money. He said you can't pay him enough to deal with these shitheads. He said they used to be able to beat these fuckers over the head before Go Pros were around. Howard played more of the guy yelling at the cop.
Howard said he's out in 2 years. He said he has to get out. He said the book pushed him over the edge. He said his wife knew he was going to be annoyed doing the book promotion. He said the people interviewing him about the book are great though.
Howard said you had to see him doing the interviews. He said he got yelled at by his mother too.
Howard said he put all kinds of pressure on himself. He said this guy came in and did an interview with him for an hour and a half. He said he had to go but the guy said he was going to get more time with him. He said he didn't want to feel he was letting the guy down. He said he stayed longer. He said he had to get to the psychiatrist. He said that he was walking around after this long day. He said he was walking around wondering what he was doing with his life.
Howard said on Thursday he was ambitious. He said he spoke with Rolling Stone and then Hollywood Reporter. He said he did an hour and a half with each. He said he scheduled a break but he really didn't want one. He said he just stayed there at the station to kill time. Robin said he set this up and even he doesn't know what he wants it to be.
Howard said it hit him that he should do one thing a day like his mother said. He said he was burnt out and he should have gone home after the Rolling Stone thing and spoken to the women from Hollywood Reporter the next day. He said it's been 25 years since his last book and he's all tapped out now. He said he used to do a thousand pull ups himself but he can't do that anymore. He said now he has a gut and titties. He said he didn't realize how tiring it would be.
Robin asked who is with him other than himself. Howard said he didn't know this. He said he still thought he was a young man. He said he just wanted to say he wrote a book and he thinks it's his best work. He said he wrote some interesting things about the interviews. He said that's all he wanted to say.
Howard said it's very nerve wracking for him. Robin said he probably thinks about his interviews after he does them and thinks about what he said wrong. Howard said he tells his agent that he didn't know what he just said after an interview. He said the woman from Hollywood Reporter was terrific. He said they all did a good job. He said it was just too long a day.
Howard said he drove out to Long Island after all of that. He said he had to take a piss so he stopped off at his mom's house to use their bathroom on the way. He said they barely leave the house anymore. He said it's really kind of sad. He said they just sit home. He said he asked his mom why they don't go out and enjoy some yogurt. He said they won't go out.
Howard said he's sitting there talking to his mother and father and his father can't hear. He said he used to sit there asking him questions but now he just sits there moaning. He did an impression of his dad. He said it's depressing. He said his dad barely has any energy to hate him anymore. Fred played his dad yelling at him ''Shut up, sit down!'' Howard said that's the guy he knows.
Howard said he called his mom to tell her he was stopping by. He said she was saying she was going to meditate at 2:30. He said he'd be there by 2:20. He said she wasn't happy. He said she has a schedule and she sticks to it. He said he stayed until about 2:40 and he could see them looking at their watch. He said he was leaving and he let out a sigh from having a long day. He said his mother shot him a look. He said Beth is standing with him too. He said his mother told him he was doing too much and she's not sure what for. Howard said he had just put in a long day. He said she asked him what he was doing and how he was doing it to himself. He said she was yelling at the top of her lungs. He said Beth said ''So this explains everything.'' He said she had just seen it.
Howard said as soon as his mother worked him over he called the book people and said he's doing too much. He said he's only doing promotion on Thursday and Fridays and that's it. He said it's one thing a day. He said that's all he can do. He said he wishes he could do 20 things but he's burnt out. He said he has his routine.
Howard said his mother is right. He's run down. He said that his shoulder hurts from trying to hold himself up at the gym. He said he's too embarrassed to tell his therapist all of this. He said he needs a team of psychiatrists. Howard let out a loud belch so Fred played more Fist Fest moaning clips and Wendy the Slow Adult moaning.
Howard said just read the book or don;t. He said he's tired from promotion. He said he's going to do promotion but do it sensibly. He said the book company was saying that Bruce Springsteen only did one or two things. He said that's what he should have done. Robin said he volunteered to do more. Howard said he said he'd go all over the place to do it. He said he was telling them where they were going to go. He said he was telling them to book multiple shows per day.
Howard said he was all full of excitement. He said he's not doing all of those shows. He said he's not doing Gayle King. He said he wanted to do just one of the morning shows on TV. Robin asked about The View. Howard said after his mom got a hold of him it's off. He said Bruce did just two interviews. He asked what that guy is doing. Robin said he could have whittled down things. Howard said he had. He said he had 170 appearances he was going to do. He said that's what he had whittled it down to. He said he was going to call radio stations and stuff. Robin said that sounds like fun. Howard said he was going to do Andy Cohen's show. He said he was going to do Rachel Ray but then he asked himself if he's nuts.
Howard said he did the NY Times, Rolling Stone and Hollywood Reporter. He said he has to do photo shoots with them all too. He said he hates that even more than the interviews. He said he hates the way he looks. He said that he knows the angles he wants to use but these guys think they know best. He said Toni is going to come and hot iron his hair. He said he looks like shit if he doesn't do that. He said he knows he shouldn't complain.
Howard said that's what his weekend was like. He said you know he won't like any of the photos they're going to take. He said he's just giving up. He said he looks like a fucking bus hit him and he needs makeup. He said that Toni is going to bring her's.
Howard did his mother's voice telling him that he looks terrible from doing so much. He said he wants to tell her that she just sat in her house all day and he did 17 interviews. He said that his Aunt Millie wants a copy of the book. He said he hasn't seen her in 47 years. Howard said go buy the book. He said don't be cheap. Robin said she bought books. Howard said people are asking for his autograph too. He said just go buy the book. He said he's going to have to get one for Aunt Millie. He said she is his aunt. Robin said just leave Howard alone and go buy the book.
Howard said there are some people he doesn't want reading the book. He said Millie is nice though. He said there are some friends who are insane. Robin asked if there are friends who are mentioned that won't be happy. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said he does complain in the book but not about them. Robin said she knew this was going to go bad.
Howard took a call from a guy, Brian, who said ''Wah, I have to pick out an outfit.'' Howard asked what this guy wears. He said he's a prison guard so he wars a uniform. Howard said how great you don't have to worry about what to wear. Howard said he should have a uniform there. Brian said that he spends most of his day looking at butt holes so Howard doesn't have it so bad. Howard said he has about 5 really good friends who have worked in prisons and he knows it's the hardest fucking job ever. He said one of his buddies asked if he wanted to go visit the prison and he said yes. He said he got to the prison door and turned around. He said it was actually a jail. He said that is tough work. Brian said that he has seen all kinds of things stuck in butt holes at the prison. He said the women have even more places to hide things. He said they've seen lighters and other things hidden in balloons.
Howard asked Brian if he ever feels like he's locked up too. Brian said that he is in jail for 16 hours a day. He said that he used to work Max and there are people who never get released there. He said now he's in a different place and you try to help these guys. Howard asked if he's ever seen guys sucking dick. Brian said he's never seen it but it does happen.
Howard asked if Brian has ever had to fight with prisoners who are trying to escape. Brian said that he hasn't. He said he has 100 people around his desk all the time and they could take over. He said he used to work for a telecom company and he makes good money doing this. Howard asked why he left that job. Brian said he was laid off accidentally. He said he will do 12 more years at this prison and he'll have a pension of 90,000 a year. He said he's doing okay there. He said that it's not easy though. He said there are all kinds of things going on there. He said there are people smoking all day and it affects them.
Howard said he has another guy on the phone who says he pulled stuff out of people's asses. The caller, Paul, said he had a woman pop a crack pipe out of her ass. He said that's a felony when they do that kind of thing.
Howard did his impression of his mother going off on him about doing too much again. Robin said she wouldn't act this way if he didn't bring it up. Howard said all he did was let out a sigh and she went off on him. He said she told him he's doing too much and what for. He said that she asked what he's doing all of this for. He said he's doing it so he can pay for all of you. Robin asked what he would do if he stayed home all day in her house. Howard said she'd be yelling at him to get out of her house.
Howard said his arm feels like it's going to fall off. He said he was doing those planks and his arm hurts from that. He said Beth told him to stand up straight but he's tired so he slouches.
Howard said the book comes out on May 14th. Robin said she can't wait. Howard said he was thinking that he has to stop talking about what's in the book. He said that no one will want the book. He said he had to tell these people what was in it.
Howard said this guy sounds like the guys he went to school with in Roosevelt. He said they didn't use the N-word like this guy though. He said that he talked like that trying to fit in with the other kids. Howard said some of the kids in his school were left back so much that they had facial hair. He said that no one talks like that. Robin asked if anyone understands him. Howard said Eddie Murphy used to do a great impression of James Brown and how he'd talk and no one knew what he was saying. Howard said he'd have James on the show and they didn't know what he was saying. Howard said this guy Boosie once said that cartoons are turning kids gay. He said they played that clip back in 2016. Howard played that clip where the guy was speaking much clearer. Robin asked what happened between then and now. She said he was much clearer back then.
Howard said they did a new interview with Boosie and he was talking about that documentary Leaving Neverland and he thinks the parents sent their kids there to get them fucked. Howard played the clip and Boosie was talking about the documentary and he said maybe the parents though their kids were freaky and sent them off to get fucked.
Howard said Boosie told people to get off his feed if they didn't buy his record. He said he had a lot of followers and didn't sell that many albums so he told them to get off and stop following him. He said he sold 300 albums and he had more than that watching him.
Howard said the guy is right. He said he likes this guy. He said he brings him right back to Roosevelt. He said there you go. He said the guy was all worked up about prison in that one clip. He said they should get his music. He said something tells him if you just ran music under his conversations that would be his music. Howard said he should stay on schedule and take a break. Fred played one of Boosie's songs for him before they went to break. Howard said now he's got it. He said his new album only sold 300 copies. Robin said this is just the start. Howard said enough of this. He said he's got a headache. He said the guy just sold 300 copies. He asked who buys albums anymore anyway. He said you get them free. Howard read a note that said he was just arrested on gun and drug charges. JD said he got bailed out. They played another one of his songs. Fred said it's called ''Wipe Me Down.'' Howard said it sounds the same as the last one. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he's doing too much. He said it to him as his mother. Fred said he was looking for a song and he distracted himself. Howard said okay. Fred played a song to bring them back to the show. Howard said this is Train (Calling All Angels). He said that's Pat Monahan. He said he'll never get into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. He said he's not cool enough for those guys. He said this guy can write though.
Howard said Hulu sent him the rest of the episodes of ''The Act'' and it's really good. Robin said that's not fair. Howard said they should put it all up at once like Netflix does. Howard asked if Robin is jealous. Robin said she is. She said the rest of them have to wait for them to come out. Howard said he watched the whole show with Beth. He said his TV didn't work again. He said they fixed it but then it's broken the next week.
Howard said he's not sure why he has to write these emails. He said somehow the guy remoted into the system. He said it takes a team to run the TV. He said he can't just turn on his TV. Howard said Beth wanted to watch the show. He said they sat down and turned on the TV and there was no sound. He said he was a hero until that happened. He said he went to write this email and he wrote to the guy that he wants his fucking money back. He said he wondered how he runs a business when that shit doesn't work. He said the guy wrote him back and said it should be up and running 45 minutes later. Howard said his night is ruined but they sat down and watched the show and it was really good.
Howard said one guy is telling him that the other guy put in shitty wiring. He said that he paid that guy top dollar too. He said he wrote the guy a shitty email and he felt bad about it. Robin asked why he feels bad. Howard said he didn't feel that bad.
Howard said if he told you what he paid for this system. Robin said that's why she doesn't understand why this keeps happening. Robin said he's had this setup for a while and it's never worked. Howard said now she's upsetting him. Robin said he has to get it fixed. She asked why he's still dealing with this company.
Howard said he's watching this show on Netflix with Woody Harrelson that's really good. Gary said it's called ''The Highway Man.'' Howard said he tried to watch it on his iPad and it tells him he has to wait 5 minutes before he logs in. He said he gets cock blocked everywhere he goes. He said he needs real fucking tech help.
Howard said he almost paid the entire cast of Game of Thrones to come to his house to reenact the show. Robin said there are spoilers all over the paper today. She said they're assholes. Howard said people are assholes too. He said they spoil it for you.
Howard said he and Beth are watching The Act and people will spoil that because it's based on a true story. He said Beth has a friend who ended up telling her the whole ending of the story. Robin said she had read something about Gypsy Rose and it had nothing to do with the movie. Robin said she's engaged. Howard said he didn't know that. He said that's great. Howard said Patricia Arquette will get an Emmy for this. Howard said the girl will too.
Howard said Netflix is kicking everyone's ass with TV. He said Disney has all of this Star Wars and Marvel stuff so they're going to have another streaming service. He said he's not sure how this is going to work itself out. Robin said they just released information about their new series. Howard said people are going to end up paying crazy money for all of these services. He said he loves Netflix but they have so many bullshit movies on there. He said this one was about alien invaders that Navy SEALs go to attack. He said he wanted to see that. He said it's a recipe for disaster. He said it's the worst acting. He said he don't get through 20 minutes of this movie. He said he's never seen a movie like this. He said the SEALS were like wooden Indians. Robin said she has seen things on there that look very amateur.
Howard said he should have known it was bad when he saw this comet flying and it looked like a cartoon. He said it was really bad. Howard said Disney + is going to cost $7.99 a month. He said he loves Netflix but this ''Alien Warfare'' was really bad. He said then this Woody Harrelson and Kevin Costner movie is great. He said he was so thankful it was quality programming.
Robin said most of the time she turns stuff off on Netflix. She said then you have that Highwayman show and it makes you keep it. Howard said they have to get
Howard read about some of the guys in that bad movie he watched. He said one of the guy sis a former Navy SEAL who turned to acting.
Howard said it freaked him out when Richard played himself out with the banjo music. He said it's pretty funny with that music. Howard said if he had this music he'd drown out Fred when he plays the commercial break. Howard asked how it works when the guy plays the music over them. He said the guy just plays it over them. Howard said it's good to drown out Benjy when he comes in.
Howard said they put out a lot of clips and they have one of Fred being the Ronnie Puppet and he does it so well. He said he found his groove. Fred said it inspires him to do better. Howard said Ronnie was in there talking about something and Fred did the impression. He said you have to see the clip.
Howard played the start of the prank call again. The host of the show tells people not to prank the show. He said don't tell Sal and Richard that.
Howard said they have a bunch of great clips on their app. He brought up the Sammy Hagar performance they have up. He said he got a lot of email about that. Howard said he has been praising SiriusXM in his interviews. He said they made all of these interviews possible so he mentions that in the book promotion.
Howard read some email about the Sammy Hagar interview and how great the guys were in that interview. Howard said someone trolled him asking if they couldn't afford to bring in a full drum set for Jason Bonham. He said it was actually Jason's idea to use that thing he had in there. Howard read more email about the Sammy Hagar interview.
Howard said someone wants to talk to Ed. He took the call and he had a fake Ass Napkin Ed on the line doing an impression of Ed and asking questions like Ed was asking. Fake Ed was suggesting songs that they could have done. Howard had the two Eds talking to each other in that slow way that Ed does. Fake Ed was named Bill. Howard said he has another guy on the line who wants to talk to them. They had Super Duper Slow-Mo Guy on the line speaking really slow with his voice made really deep. He had questions about the interview too.
Bill asked why they didn't use a snow shovel. Howard asked why they would do that. Howard asked if Ed has anything to say. Ed said maybe ask them to use the tools next time. Robin asked what tools? Ed said it's power tools. Ed said they used them at a concert he went to. Bill asked Ed to slow down a little bit and try to keep up.
Howard asked who was using the power tools. Ed said whoever plays guitar. Howard asked if it was Vick. Ed said no, the singer. Robin asked if he's talking about Sammy Hagar. Ed said yes. Bill asked if he's ever seen Sammy use an egg beater. Howard said he should have asked Sammy to do Pound Cake since it's his show.
Ed asked if he can ask him an IQ question. He asked ''How many legs do an Elephant have?'' Howard said he might want to fix that sentence. Ed said he's just reading it. Howard asked how many. Howard said it's four but he's sure there's more to it. Ed said 4 is right. Ed had another question about a scorpion but Howard asked the other guys i they have questions too. Bill and the super slow-mo guy had dumb questions for him too. Howard said he really has to go. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said he's like that DJ Kahlid. He said he's a hype man. Robin said he just says his name though. Howard said that's right.
Howard took a call from a guy, Scott, who said in the past he's told us about this douchy guy who hit on Beth and asked why she's with him. Howard said that's happened with a bunch of guys. Scott asked if it's in the book. Howard said he didn't put stuff like that in the book. He said he can think of 3 guys who have been really creepy with his wife. He said they just hit on her while he's standing there. He said they have no respect.
Scott said he has a song that should be on his playlist. He said it's a Jimi Hendrix song called ''Once I had a Woman.'' Howard thanked him for the call and asked who cares.
Howard said Hendrix made a bunch of songs that the family released after he was gone. He said they weren't that good. He said just listen to the Experience album. Fred played some of the song the caller mentioned. Howard told him to turn it off.
Howard took a call from a guy, Willie, who may have been sleeping and snoring. Robin said come on. Howard said that can't be real. He said this guy would be dead from sleep apnea. He said maybe it is real. He said at first he didn't think so. He said some people do fall asleep on the phone. He said this is real. He said he can't hang up on this guy. He said that's some snore this guy has. Howard thought the guy woke up but his breathing changed. Howard asked if he was there. The guy was still snoring but it changed sound. Howard said it sounds like he's kicking up a new batch of snoring. Robin said she loves how he says ''nah-nah-nah'' when he snores. Howard said he thinks he has to bail on this guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was on his Peleton the other day and he saw Benjy in the front row of the class. He said he's staring at sweaty Benjy. He said he wasn't able to keep up with the class. Gary said he knows Benjy is doing some cycling thing and it's televised. The caller said he was wearing shorts over his knees and he was all sweaty. Howard said he's the world's fattest cycler. Howard said he works out and then eats a ton of food.
Benjy came in and said Peleton has some free classes and he likes to be in the front row. Howard asked if it's to be on camera. Benjy said that's part of it. He said the instructors are hot too. He said every guy is over doing it. He said there are guys doing hand signals to her and things. Howard asked what her name is. Benjy said this one is Jennifer Jacobs. Howard asked what she's wearing. Benjy said it's appropriate but skin tight. He said you can see everything. Howard asked if you can see moose knuckle. Benjy said yes.
Howard asked if Benjy was dressed in street clothes. Benjy said he has shorts on under his clothes now. He said he doesn't have the sweatpants on now. Howard asked why he has shorts on. Benjy showed Howard what he had on. Howard said those are regular shorts. Benjy said it hurts when he rides. The caller asked about his t-shirt. Benjy said he was enjoying it.
The guys showed Howard a picture of Jennifer Jacobs. Howard said she's got some body. Howard said he'd be enthusiastic too. He said he'd be like ''fuck you'' because every guy is paying attention to her.
Gary came in and said he knows a lot of people who use Peleton and a lot of guys have mentioned her before.
Benjy said he has jerked off to this girl before. Howard asked what he thinks about. Benjy said they're in bed. Howard said he'd have a whole back story. Benjy said he thinks about it being on the weekend and she comes back from class and she's all sweaty. Benjy said he can't go back there now. Benjy said they were playing a song about fat girls and he was getting all excited and the trainer came up to ask him about it. Benjy said they were playing a song about fat girls. Fred found the song and played it while Howard was talking to him.
The caller told Howard he should get video of Benjy in class. He said it's really funny. The caller asked why he wears the baseball cap. Benjy said he knows he's on camera. Howard said good for Benjy.
Howard said they have $500 from Boll and Branch to give away. Howard said they have these gender reveal parties now. Robin said she went to one. Howard said there are different ways to reveal the sex of the baby. He said it's either pink or blue color in some way. He said sometimes they have balloons fly out. He said the reactions are over the top. He said this game is where he plays a clip and you have to figure out if it's a gender reveal party or a fight in the Bronx.
Howard said this first one is a practice question. He played a clip of someone squealing. Frank said that's a gender reveal. Howard said he's wrong, it's a street fight in the Bronx.
Howard said now Frank has to get them right to win the money. Howard played a clip of some people screaming. Frank said it has to be a fight. Howard asked what it is. Frank said he's going with gender reveal party. Howard said he's correct. He played more of the clip for him.
Howard played another clip where there were people screaming and laughing. Howard asked frank what he thinks that is. Frank asked him to replay the clip. Howard did that and Frank said he's going with gender reveal again. Howard said he's right and played more of the clip for him.
Howard said Frank has 2 right already. He said he was worried about him but now he's proving him wrong. Howard played a clip with people making sounds like a fight was going on. Frank asked him to replay that. It sounded like a punch was thrown. Frank went with fight. Howard said he's right. He played more of the clip and said Frank just won $500.
Frank asked if Howard could ever do a recap on the old Wack Pack. He said he hasn't heard from a lot of those guys. Howard asked if they would need to prep for that. Gary said they probably would. The caller asked about Double A and Siobhan. Gary said Double A had some issues and he doesn't want to come on the air. He said Siobhan they weren't able to find. Howard said that Elliott Offen got too crazy for them to have up there. Howard put Frank on hold after that.
Howard said that was a tough game but frank buzzed right through it. Howard played another clip for Robin and asked what she thinks. Robin guessed right on one that sounded like a fight to Howard. Howard said Robin was right. He said this must be easy. Robin said it's not that easy.
Howard played another clip of a fight and Robin got that one right. Howard said it must be an easy game.
Robin told Howard about the game and how he was able to pull it all together. Howard said he liked when his wife threw him out of the house. He said the nice thing about sports is once you can put a tiny ball in a hole all is forgiven. Howard said he liked when they had the Tiger Woods Beauty Pageant. He said that was his crowning moment.
Howard asked if Robin is attracted to Tiger. Robin said not really. She said she never has been.
Howard said he's so glad he didn't have to sit and watch that whole thing. He said Jason was in some betting pool Will put him in. He said they were placing money on people's names who sounded cool. He said Jason won the pool and he knows nothing about golf. Howard said Will was supposed to take the kids to an Easter egg hunt. He skipped it and watched the Masters. Will said he had to watch it. He said he told his wife that. Gary said they moved it at the last minute. Will said his wife was angry but he stuck to his guns because it was worth it. He said it was a historic moment. Robin said she doesn't even like golf that much but this was great. Will said he got emotional. Howard laughed at him.
Robin said tiger came on like a regular guy and all of a sudden at the end of the match he was Tiger and he was strutting through the course like he owned it. Howard said it seems like it has to do with him getting laid. Robin said his kids were there. She said neither one of his kids had ever seen him win.
Howard said he thinks he'd rather hear Gary talk about vinyl than hear Will talk about golf. Will said he can do other things when he's watching. He said he doesn't have to give it all of his attention.
Howard asked if Will stayed up to watch Game of Thrones. Will said no way. Gary said he was in bed at the same time he is every Sunday. Will said Richard only got like 4 hours of sleep somehow. Howard did his impression of Richard talking about drinking and having the kid keeping him up.
Howard said he was on Mr. Skin reading about the nudity that's now on Game of Thrones. He said they had pie charts about it. He said that it's been cut down quite a bit. Howard said he doesn't know the names of the people on that show. He was trying to figure out who was getting nude in the past and isn't now. Will was goofing on Jon Hein for knowing all of the names. Jon told him to take it easy Mr. Tiger tournament.
Howard said he will watch Game of Thrones tonight. Howard said he almost doesn't care about it. He said it's been 2 years since the show was on. He said they have one good show. He said they have 6 episodes that they've waited 2 years for. He asked what they have over there. He said they have to do like what Netflix is doing. He said they have to get on it and get into production. Robin said they've had a lot of time to work on it. Howard said they have all of these assholes walking around with scripts. He said they can't run the same shit over and over again.
Gary said he thinks Howard will be back into it after watching last night's episode. Howard said he knows he'll be into it.
Benjy came in and asked Howard if he's for or against Julian Assange. Howard said he's not sure about that. He said he's going to flip a coin on it. He said he's not sure where to go with that. Fred said he doesn't have a coin. Benjy said he thinks it's going to be tails. Howard said heads is for and tails is against. Will flipped a coin and said it was heads. Howard said he's going to go against him. He said Pam Anderson has gone super political and she's defending Julian. He said she thinks he's good.
Howard said a weird list of facts about Julian came out. He said he smeared feces on the wall of his room before he left. Howard said the word feces is worse than the word shit. Benjy asked why he would do that. Howard said they say the guy is a slob and he's way weird. He said he did all kinds of weird shit there at the embassy he was staying in. He said he was living JD's life before JD got married.
Howard said Julian did the big bonehead move of getting a picture of the president of Ecuador eating lobster and sent it out. He said they kicked him out of the embassy after that. Benjy said Julian claims there are files around the world that he's going to ruin if he gets arrested. He said that was a rumor out there. Howard said Trump was for Wikileaks and now he's against it. Robin said he claims he was joking. Will said he's playing stupid now saying he knows nothing about it.
Will said he thought that guy was a bad ass and then you see him being dragged out and he's not.
Howard said they had that picture of the black hole over the weekend. He said that was a big disappointment. He said it looked like someone put their finger over the lens. He said it was like 23 trillion dollars to find that thing. He said he thought it was something from Fist Fest.
Howard said he's into that space stuff. He said that it was a big disappointment though. Howard said they had telescopes all over the world to get that image. He said it's kind of exciting that they were pushing the boundaries to find it though. He said he thinks they have to do stuff like that.
Howard asked if anyone is into this Pete Buttigieg guy. Benjy said he's not into his political leanings but he thinks the guy is impressive. Howard said Mike Pence is a weirdo. He said that this Mayor Buttigieg said Pence is a real fuck head when it comes to the gay stuff. He said Pence came out and made some statement. Benjy said that Pence said the guy knows he's not like that. Benjy said this Pete Buttigieg is really religious too though.
Howard said Pence was against gay marriage and he wanted to fund conversion therapy. He said he was also behind a law that would make it easy for businesses to discriminate against gay people. He said he's not going to win that fight.
Howard said there are a lot of people who can't stand gay people. He said he'd like to have a gay President. He said he's sure that guy got the shit beat out of him growing up. He said then he was in the military. He said he had to have it rough.
Howard said Benjy should ask out that Peleton instructor. Benjy said he's not sure if he can go to class today. He said every guy in class goes crazy for her. Howard said just go up and introduce himself. Benjy said they have bodyguards in front of the class. Will said he has to look his worst after a class. He said he has to be all blotchy. Howard said just ask her out and see what happens. Benjy said he was joking about showing up with flowers and stuff. Howard said that would be great.
Howard asked if Benjy is wrecked after class. Benjy said he is because he's going for it the entire class. Howard said if he got a date with her... look at this. Robin asked why he's not having sex. Benjy said he's not trying to find himself or anything. He said he was on a roll hooking up. He said he's tried regular dating and the girls are much less attractive. Howard asked if they just don't call him back. Benjy said he hasn't had a second date. Benjy said if it's just hooking up he can hook up with just about anyone.
Howard asked how often he's jerking off. Benjy said pretty much every night. Howard said that must be creepy. Benjy said he started this thing where he pretend whispers to his partner. He said it's the end of their day and he dos that. Howard asked what's wrong with him. Howard asked him to demonstrate that. Benjy started to whisper and Howard said he has to get out of this.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's disgusted with Benjy. She said he's fat and ugly and cross eyed. Benjy said he's not cross eyed. The caller said he thinks he's good looking in pictures. She said he has to be kidding. Benjy said he is good looking in pictures.
Howard said one of the guys said Benjy went on a date and went to kiss her and she turned him down. Benjy wasn't sure which date that was.
Gary came in with a clip of Benjy whispering to himself. Howard said he thinks he's done with Benjy. He asked Robin if she's done. Robin had disappeared. Howard asked where she went. No one knew. They played a song parody about getting Benjy out of the studio.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who asked how Benjy can get a date based on how he disrespects everyone. Howard said Mariann called into Bubba's show to promote his book Howard Stern Comes Again. He said Bubba said she can come on every week to promote it. Mariann said she's going on every Thursday. Mariann said she's on her own book tour. She said that Howard shouldn't over do it. She said then they're going to edit him and he's going to be really pissed. Howard said between her and Benjy he has a real headache.
Robin was back and said she had to go to some work. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard said he has a few clips to play that he's been meaning to get to. He said this guy Mike Davis is a news anchor and he used to be an intern there. He gave the guy some applause for moving up in the world like that. Howard said they don't have interns anymore. He said they made it illegal. Howard said they sued all of these companies and now they can't have interns. Howard said Will and Jason were interns. Robin said Benjy tool. Howard said Memet, Steve Brandano and Steve Nowicki were too.
Howard said this guy Mike showed some pictures he took with him. He said they did that for National Intern Day. Howard played the clip of Mike talking about the pictures. He had pictures of himself with Howard, Fred, Gary, Sal, Richard, JD and Scott the Engineer. He had one with Ronnie who didn't smile at all in the picture.
Howard said Nicki Minaj went on her own show and went off on this guy who toured with her. She said that Travis Scott was handing out albums with tickets to his show and she thinks you can't do that to sell records. Howard played the clip of Nicki going off on Travis. She had an explosion sound going off. Howard said that's Funkmaster Flex's thing. He said that's what it sounds like when Benjy falls off his bike.
Howard said the CEOs of Facebook and Twitter were testifying to congress and this guy started doing an impression of an auctioneer to cut someone off from speaking before they removed her. Howard played that clip.
Howard said this woman had a theory that the CEO of Twitter is manipulating people and they took away her blue check mark. Howard said they could have used that Tradio banjo music too.
Howard said he sat next to Jon Stewart at a Knicks game in December. He said that's very different than sitting next to Tracy Morgan. He said it's almost too much with Tracy. He said this clip is from a game in 2010 when Tracy was going wild at a game. Howard played the clip and said this is what you hear during the game. He said the guy is like the mayor at those games. He did his impression of Tracy yelling stuff out at the games.
Howard played more clips of Tracy yelling stuff out. He said he has to start doing that. He said Tracy seems to know a lot. Howard said he was at that game that they're playing clips from. Howard said one of the refs fist bumped him. He said he made him look good. Howard said Tracy is yelling at the guy to move his feet. Howard said he's not sure what to yell out. Robin said it's best if he doesn't yell anything out. Robin said never yell out their number. Howard said he'd get smacked in the face.
Howard said Tracy must know these guys personally based on what he's yelling out. Howard said he's such a poseur compared to Tracy.
Howard played more of Tracy yelling stuff out at the Knick game. Gary said Michael Rapaport said that the ''Aqua'' thing is saying the game is like water. He said there are other meanings but there's also one guy whose last name is Aqua.
Howard said he is so exhausted after going to a game sitting next to Tracy. He said he's not sure how he has that energy. Robin said Tracy might be a little hyper. Howard said he sees Rapaport there at the games too. He said he's a row 3 celebrity though. He said he believes what he says about the ''Aqua'' thing. Howard said Michael must be a real fan. He said he'd never go to a game if he didn't sit in the front row.
Gary said they had a guy who works for ESPN who they were asking about Howard losing his seats and he said he won't lose them but he could be moved down a few. Howard said he wouldn't want to move down. He said that's where Jon Stewart sits. He said they keep moving Jon down. He said it's fascinating going to the games. He said he's not sure who would make him move. He said maybe an Obama or someone like that. Gary said maybe someone like Jay Z. Howard said he's a Net guy. Howard said even Jack Nicholson wouldn't make him move. He said Taylor Swift was there and she sat several seats down from him. He said this was when she was at her height. He said he wanted to see if she was hot in person. He said she was to the left of the other guys. He said she's front row. He said Howie Mandel was there and he was a few rows back. He said J.B. Smoove was 4 rows back. He said he would have thought he was third row. Robin said she thinks that's about right. Howard said he felt bad for the guy. Robin said Larry David would be third row. Howard said no way. He said he should have the guy on who gets him the seats.
Gary said Rapaport sent him pictures of him in the front row and he claims he's always front row. Howard said no way. He said the time he saw him he was way back. Gary said he has a few shots of him in the front row. Howard said he can see that from 1994. He said he loves Michael but he won't challenge him. Howard Bill O'Reilly was there at the game walking around like he had something going on. He said that's the time Bill came over to him saying maybe he could help him out with his show. He said fuck that.
Howard played a clip of Bill O'Reilly talking about going to a Fleetwood Mac concert. Howard said this is from a web site called NewsMax TV. He said the guy wasn't able to behave so that's what he's doing now.
Howard played more of Bill talking about the concert and how the Millenials there didn't care about blocking the view of the people there. Howard did his impression of Bill talking about when it's appropriate to stand or sit at the concert.
Howard took a call from Michael Rapaport who said he doesn't recall sitting in the second or third row. He said he's a real fan who doesn't leave at half time like some people. Howard said he leaves before half time. Howard said he can't stay up late. He said he just can't do it. Howard said he doesn't want the fans crowding him. Michael said he understands by why leave at half time. Howard said it's too long because he gets up early for work. He said he's not a big sports fan. Robin said he's not a big basketball fan ether. Howard said he does like going to the games though. Michael said when he leaves he should tell them that he's leaving and he could upgrade some people. Howard said he has been told to just leave. He said they won't upgrade anyone. Michael said he's a non fan who is taking away seats from people who would want to sit there.
Howard said he thought Michael was in the back but he's sorry if he got that wrong. He said he knows Michael loves the game. Michael asked why he's spreading fake rumors. Howard said he thought he was reporting on things. Michael said the last two Mondays have been the most shocking shows. He said having to hear about Prince swinging and then the fisting thing last week. He said to start the week off like that is disorienting. He said it rattles the soul.
Howard said the guys told him Michael is on Cameo. He asked what he charges. Michael said it's $100. He said that he'll send him a message about his book if he wants. Howard asked how many he's doing a week. Michael said he's made tuition money from doing it. Robin said that's good money. Howard said he might have to do a few of those messages.
Michael said he turned away so many opportunities early on. He said he has tuition to pay for now so if you want a message you can pay $100 and he'll make you one. Howard asked if he's making six figures doing that. Michael said not yet but in a year he will. He said he has no shame in it. He said he enjoys doing it and he's having fun doing it. Howard said De Niro isn't doing it. Michael said he might after his divorce. Howard let Michael go a short time later.
Howard took a call from Bill O'Reilly audio book clips. The guys played some clip of O'Reilly saying weird shit that they edited together. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Robin started her news with a story about an Indiana man who is suing his parents after they threw away his massive porn collection. Robin said the 40 year old man filed suit last week. Robin said he claims they threw away boxes of porn and magazines and he claims it was worth $29,000 and he's suing for $90,000. Robin said he did move out of the house. Howard said he loves that he had a porn collection. Howard said his mother threw out all of his comic books. He said she gave them to the boy down the street. He said he should get her on the phone to ask how she even knew that boy down the street. He said his name was Robert. He said they were all tied up with twine and neatly compiled. He said she didn't even tell him she was getting rid of them. He said he looked and they were gone. He said she told him she gave them away and he was like ''What!?'' He said his cousin Jack painted those covers. He said he would never have let those go. He asked Robin if she has any idea if she knows what they're worth now. He said imagine being in the paper for having your porn collection thrown out.
Robin asked if Kathie Lee gave him a gift. Howard said he didn't get one. Robin said they say Kathie Lee gave Jenna Bush a gift of a bracelet with her very own mantra engraved on it. Robin read the quote which was some religious thing. Howard asked if she's going to be shocked when she dies and there's nothing.
Howard took a call from Bobo who had been on the line since 7. Bobo said he has a theory that these pro golfers are losing their hair and maybe it's from stress or wearing something on their head. He asked what Howard thinks. Howard just laughed at his dumb question. Robin said they were all wearing baseball caps until the last hole. Robin said they look much better with the cap on. She said a lot of them are having hair issues. Howard said people in their 40s tend to lose their hair. He said that's the big mystery. He let Bobo go.
Robin read a story about a teacher who was fired after using the N-word and claiming that she used it after the student called a whit student a cracker. Robin said that she was trying to show how offensive those terms can be.
Robin read a story about someone who was asked to quiet their child with special needs during a movie. Robin said this woman took her two kids to see Dumbo and her disabled son was laughing and making noises so a theater employee asked her to remove her child because of a noise complaint. Howard said you have to do that because that's a pact you make when you go to a movie. Robin said this woman claims it made her cry. Fred played clips of Wendy the Slow Adult moaning and making noises.
Robin read a story about a woman on flight who was flashing passengers and twerking on a Spirit Airlines flight. Howard said he watched the video of that and he was hoping the woman would be hot but she wasn't. Howard played some of the audio and told the woman to just sit down and be quiet. He said this is all happening on a flight. He said he liked the old days when you got dressed up to go on a flight. Robin said it used to be special. Howard said he's sure that was fun for the airline crew. He said Gary was telling him that airline is really cheap but you have to be willing to go into the wild west. Howard said Apple has to invent a teleporter so we don't have to fly.
Robin read a story about a college student who fell from a bell tower. Robin said she's not sure where that college is. She wasn't able to find the story. Howard said they tell the kids not to go up there but this girl was trying to take a selfie and she fell. He said it was at Fordham. Robin said she fell to her death. Howard said she was so hot too. He said she would have had the greatest life ever. Howard said she was really pretty and it's so sad. Robin said it was the beginning of her life. Howard said the one thing they tell you is don't climb up there. He said they can only warn you so many times.
Robin said the same thing is happening at the Grand Canyon. She said they tell you not to do things and people still fall. Robin said you shouldn't try to get the best possible selfie you can get. Howard said he went to the Grand Canyon twice and they have this little pathway to go down and it's only wide enough for one hoof at a time. He said they can trip going down. Robin read about two deaths at the Grand Canyon in the past year. Robin said people started falling in the 1930s and it continues. Howard said this girl who fell was having trouble breathing and she was still alive at the hospital. He said it must be ridiculously painful. He said he would never climb a tower. Robin said they found a man 400 feet below the rim of the Grand Canyon. Robin said there was an 80 year old who fell there. She said even an 80 year old doesn't know better than to go around a barrier. Robin said they say that no matter how many barriers they put up people still go around them.
Howard said you'll never see him die from a selfie. He said he hates it when his phone accidentally turns around. He said his kids want him to Facetime but he'll just show his hair on the camera. He said he doesn't want to see himself. He said he can't believe what he looks like. He said he has bags under his eyes now. He said he looks nasty. Robin said he doesn't have bags. Howard said he asked Toni to bring a pound of makeup with her to the photo shoots. He said he looks like he tried to take a selfie and fell out of a bell tower. Robin said imagine the parents getting that call. Howard said he's not sure how they survive that.
Robin read a story about Mike Tyson starting a line of Marijuana. Robin said Willie Nelson is doing it too. Robin said Mike is partnering with a dispensary to sell his products. Howard said maybe he should get into that too. He said he'd feel weird about that. He said he'd feel weird about putting something out that people have a problem with. He said Chelsea Handler was talking about doing that too. He said he's not sure about self medicating though. Robin said Tyson is also thinking about opening a 400 acre marijuana resort. Robin said that the marijuana industry paid $500 million in taxes to Nevada last year. Howard said that's not that much. Robin said it's a good start. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard read a story about how Mike Tyson has a podcast where he smokes pot and doesn't say that much. Howard said that's what he needs. He said he listened to a podcast the other day. He said it may have been Sammy Hagar. He said he's not sure what it was now. He said he'll think of it. He said he was listening on his phone. He said this thing caught his attention. He said he was painting and turned on this podcast. He said he was looking through Facebook and he came across this podcast. He said it wasn't that good. He said the Mike Tyson thing might be worth listening to.
Robin read a story about this guy Nikolas Cruz who is the Parkland shooter. Robin said he wrote a series of letters to a woman in the UK this past fall. Robin said he's been talking to this woman about what he would name his kids. They were names of guns. Robin said that Cruz never discussed the violence he's accused of but he is asking the woman to marry him. Robin said Cruz claims that he can't sleep at night because the guards wake him up every few hours.
Howard said on the book cover for his book he's holding his glasses. He said maybe people will think that it's a mistake.
Robin read a story about Tiger Woods winning the Masters. She had some clips for Howard to play from the tournament. That led to Howard doing his impression of what the announcers sound like speaking softly. Robin had some audio of Tiger talking about his win.
Robin read a story about Annette Benning being on Broadway. Robin said she went to see her in ''All My Sons.'' Howard said he'd rather go see Benjy at his Peleton class. Robin said she would highly recommend this play. she said she'd recommend ''To Kill a mockingbird'' as well. Howard said he read that in school. He said he thinks that's the only book he ever read. Howard said Robin was very good about coming to see his daughters when they were in plays.
Robin read a story about a new movie service that's for the 1 percent. Robin said it's a luxury service and you can rent a movie for about $3,000. Robin said you get first run features that would be in theaters but you'd get them in your house. Howard said now you're talking. He asked if you get The Avengers and things like that. Robin said $300 per movie plus the $3,000 set up charge. Howard asked if the sound works on that. Howard said he'll just buy a movie theater.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he sounds kind of nerdy about the marijuana thing. Howard said all he's saying is he personally wouldn't want to distribute something people can get addicted to. The caller said you don't get addicted to marijuana. Howard said he knows people who are. He said it's just him saying he doesn't want to sell that stuff. He said he'll change his tune because of this guy. He said he doesn't care if people smoke weed but he doesn't want his name on it. He said it's not that controversial of a statement.
Robin read a story about Sarah Huckabee Sanders talking about the demand for the President's tax returns. Robin said they think he doesn't have to show them. Robin said Sarah has said she doesn't think congress is smart enough to look at his tax returns. Robin had some audio of her talking about that. Howard said she's a whacko. Robin read about President Trump retweeting a video of a Muslim congresswoman mixed with 9/11 video. Robin said Sarah Sanders was also commenting on that. Robin said Trump was asked about Julian Assange and back in 2016 he said he likes Wikileaks. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about Wikileaks back then on many occasions. Robin Sarah Sanders claims he was just joking back then. Howard said he's dizzy after she speaks. He took a call from fake Sarah after that.
Robin read a story about the FDA linking a company to a salmonella outbreak. Robin had some details about that. Robin said it was fruit sold in different stores under different names.
Robin read a story about a man in Florida who was attacked by a large bird called a Cassowary. Robin said they say they're the most dangerous birds in the world. Robin said they get to be about 5 feet tall and look kind of like an Emu. Robin said they have dagger like claws. Robin said they say that the 75 year old man was the owner of the bird and the farm where he died. Robin said he may have fallen and the bird attacked when it felt threatened. Howard said just get a cat.
Robin read a story about Madonna releasing a new album. She had some audio of one of her songs. Howard did an impression of the song and made up his own where he talked over some music like Madonna was doing.
Robin read a story about American Idol and had some audio for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about the movie Shazam taking in another $25 million this weekend. She wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show talking about his opening theme song and how he was thinking about changing it. He said he heard from Rob Zombie immediately asking how he could do that. Howard said Rob likes the song. He said he does too but he was thinking it might be time to change it. He said he never wanted a theme song. He said they play it on the late night shows he goes on sometimes. He likes Rob so he doesn't want to upset him.
Howard said he loves the song. He said maybe after years you want to change and evolve. He said they're not changing the song though. He said he has to watch what he says.
Howard said he hasn't seen Rob in years. He said he moved out to California. He said he loves his music. Robin said there's a song in Pulp Fiction. she wondered how he feels about that. Howard said he's sure he loves it. Robin said it's perfect for the movie too. She said it works in that scene. Howard said she's doing a lot of thinking this morning.
Howard said he heard a song yesterday when he went to the gym to work out. He said he's down to lifting no pounds. He said this thing looks like a weight but it's just placeholders. He said he's such a mess. He said he was tired and feeling shitty. He said he said he's done after 2 years there. He said some web site quoted that he announced his retirement. He said that's not how he's going to announce his retirement. Then TV stations were picking up the story. He said it's so strange to him that they don't look into stories like that. He said they used to have newspapers that had to call and check a source. He said that's all out with the internet. He said two news stations picked up that he's retiring. He said call him or the station to double check. Robin said as long as someone else said it you don't have to be responsible. Howard said he says every day that he's going to retire. Robin said he's been saying that for 20 years. He said at this point it's like the boy who cried wolf.
Howard played a clip from a news program where they were reporting that he's definitely retiring in 2 years. They said he said he has to take care of his mental health.
Howard said he can't bullshit about quitting his job. He said he has to tell you not to trust anything he says on the air. He said he kind of just talks off the top of his head. He said after he does the show he doesn't remember one thing he said. He said he doesn't feel responsible for anything he said. He said he's just letting his brain think out loud. Robin said sometimes it's semi serious and sometimes it's ridiculous. Howard said he didn't make an announcement yesterday. Robin said she liked that he had all of these facts.
Howard said if he said on the air that he's thinking about transitioning to a woman maybe they'd report that too. Robin said maybe he's leaving the air to transition. Howard said both stations that reported this were in Florida. He said at least this second one mentioned his book. Howard played that clip where the news anchor gave him the plug.
Robin said she said 35 years and they're wrong about that. Howard said fact checking is dying art. He said he's going in for a penile reduction surgery. He said they can go with that story next. He said he doesn't care.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he called in months ago talking about fake news media and hung up on him. He said that he called him a cunt. He said now he's complaining about the news media. He mentioned the NY times and how they're making up stories. Howard said he knows he wants to sound like Trump talking about the ''failing'' NY Times. He said the NY Times is one of the greatest things ever. He said they don't get everything wrong like this guy is saying. Howard said he gets a subscription to them just to help them out and keep them going. Howard said maybe they don't get every story 100 percent right. He said to sit there on his fat ass talking about them that way... He told the guy to get off his fucking phone. Robin said they don't get everything wrong. She said he knows that. Howard said it's so stupid quoting some random tweet.
Howard said get some balls. Robin said they're not pointing out where they're getting it wrong. Howard said they print retractions if they get something wrong. Howard said the NY Times is the best thing that has happened to this country. He said in Russia they hang people who work for papers like that. He said the NY Times is on your side, asswipe. He said that they're keeping people honest. Howard said Donald would kiss their ass to get into their paper. Howard said if the NY Times went away you'd see tears running out of his eyes. He said he reads it every day.
Howard said the NY Times interviewed him the other day and that means you've arrived. He said in 1976 he was on the front page of the NY Times. He said he was a big nobody but he was on the air when the photographer came by. He said he became the face of the station after that. He said that was a big deal.
Howard said that caller is a cunt. He said he knows what's going on out there. He said that there was a story about Israeli doctors creating a 3D printed heart and they're going to make a full size human heart eventually. He said when they do start doing that kind of thing you can thank a Jew.
Howard said Roger Waters is all upset about what's going on over there. He said if he needs a heart transplant don't give him one. He said he's had it with that guy. Howard said these people are calling the NY Times the ''failing'' NY Times. He said start using your head. He said don't call him up about that. He said it's fucking stupid. Fred played Ronnie saying ''Cunt!'' Howard said he's all for secession and getting away from these people. Robin said they'd be right next door even if they did that.
Howard said today he walked in and told Robin they have to quit at the end of this contract. He said he told Robin he was thinking about Kathie Lee. He said he used to think about why she'd be walking away from that show. He said then he remembered that she's the same age as he is. Howard said that's why people retire at this age. He said you can't get out of bed anymore. Robin said she resents that Kathie Lee is going to do more projects. Howard said she's going to wake up and get her coffee and maybe write a movie. He said she'll be living in Nashville and paying less taxes. He said her energy is being sapped.
Howard said he gets up early and he stares at his clock. He said he knows why Kathie Lee retired. He said that she has dough so she can get out. He said he thinks about how hard it is getting up every morning. He said he's falling apart and he has only a few more years left. He said when sleeping is a chore he gets it. He said he sits in bed figuring these things out. Robin said he doesn't know that she feels this way.
Robin said Bernie Sanders is still out there doing his thing at his age. Howard said that guy is 80 and there's no fucking way that guy is going to be able to do the job if he gets elected. Howard said he's not sure how he's doing it.
Howard said he was up late last night pishing and thinking about how Jon Stewart figured it out and retired. He said he was thinking about calling him. He said he's just a farmer now. He said he's relaxing.
Howard said then they do announce their retirement they'll have people calling in and crying. He said it'll be a whole big thing when he makes that announcement. He said he's not going to casually throw that moment away. He said don't go out there reporting that he's going to retire. Howard said he could very well retire. He said he is giving it consideration but he's done that before. Robin said he's been doing this for 20 years. Robin said every contract negotiation since the year 2000 is asking if it's time to quit. Robin said he doesn't know if he wants to go on. She said it's taken 20 years.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he's retired and he wants to give him the good and bad things. He asked how Donald Trump can turn everything against the NY Times. He asked how he can put down these people. Howard said the people who are listening to that are complete imbeciles. He said he thinks they like little sound bytes of things. He said they chant things that Trump says. He said he's not sure how you move on with your life. He said newspapers aren't doing well and it's scary. He said there are people we need checks and balances in this country and here are good republicans and democrats. Howard said John McCain was a great republican. He said he doesn't agree with everything he did but he got to meet the guy. He thanked him for his service and got to say to him that he appreciates what he did with his public service. He said he doesn't agree with him 100 percent but that guy put some thought into it.
Howard said he has to go. King said he wants to tell him about retirement. Howard said no one cares. He hung up on him a short time later.
Howard said he knows King was going to say that he gets his mojo from the show. He said he doesn't need that now. Robin asked Howard if 10 years from now he's walking down the street and on one knows him... Howard said that sounds like high school. Robin said that's retirement. Howard asked if he has a cane or a walking stick. Robin said he does. Robin said someone will say that he used to be Howard Stern. Howard asked if he's more hunched over now. Robin said he is but he's wearing suspenders to hold his pants up. Howard said he jerked off last night to make sure it was still working. He said he thinks his hair is still holding up. He asked if he'll still have hair. Robin said he probably will and he will still have dark hair. Howard said he was wondering if he should shave or leave the scruff for his photo shoots. He said Toni and Beth both said just take the scruff down. He said this is why he has to retire. He said he is dreading taking those pictures.
Howard said Ralph came over to help pick out outfits for his 3 photo shoots. He said he told Ralph that it used to be kind of exciting to pick out something to wear. He said now he just tells Ralph to pull 3 jackets, pants and shirts. He said that's it. He said he's not doing a theme like he used to. He said he's beat and he has such long days.
Howard said he had meetings and a dermatologist appointment. He said he was talking to the doctor and they spent some time talking about Dr. John Sarno and things like that. Howard said he talked to him about a mole. He said then he gets into his dressing gown. He said it's like a mini dress on him. He said he just wore it like a robe. He said it covers his balls and that's it. He said the doctor just leaves his underpants on until he has to check those areas. He said the guy used to lay him down but now he has him standing. He said he likes that much better. He said his abs are so weak he can't get back up now. He said the guy doesn't touch his penis but he does stare at it. He said he knows he's thinking about how small it is. He said here is no way to fluff it up before the guy comes in.
Howard said he took his socks off because the guy has to look between his toes. He said he has such a bad ass but they guy had to check that too. He said it's just embarrassing. He said he used to be in decent shape when he ran. He said he's not in shape now. He said it's all kind of loose now.
Howard said all of the people who say he sucks say she's ugly. He said they're just jealous. Howard said if they think she's ugly then he doesn't suck. He said Brooke is 47 and she looks great. Robin said lets see how she looks at 60.
Howard said this song was stuck in his head yesterday. He said he's not sure who sings it. He sang some of the lyrics and asked Fred to figure it out. Gary knew the song and it was Harry Nilsson ''Jump Into the Fire.'' Howard said that's right. He said he was trying to figure it out. Gary said the song is in Goodfellas when the helicopters are chasing him.
Howard said he was in the gym trying to figure that out. He said he was in there not working out. Robin said he used to run backwards. Howard sang more of the song and asked Fred to play it. Fred said he's having a problem playing it on his two computers. It eventually worked.
Howard said he was lifting plastic weights to this song. He said listen to this mother fucker. Fred told Howard about how Harry lost his voice after having a screaming contest with John Lennon and his voice was never the same after that. He said he saw that in some documentary. He said it was a very sad story about Harry.
Howard said meanwhile the other day is Harry's song ''You're Breaking My Heart.'' He asked Fred to play that one. Howard said that's before John made him scream and lose his voice. Howard said the guy screwed himself up. Fred played the song for Howard.
Howard said that's beautiful. He said he also wrote ''Lime in the Coconut.'' Robin said she didn't realize that. Howard said he thinks that ''You're Breaking My Heart'' is Son of Schmilsson. He said you don't have guys like that anymore.
Howard said he should take a break. He said some guy on the phone wants to talk about retirement. Howard took the call and the guy said that he enjoys it. He said he spent 28 years on the highway patrol and retired 2 years ago. He said he does protection work part time and he's enjoying life. Robin said he's doing something with his time. The caller said he works Monday and Tuesdays and he can do other stuff if he wants to. Howard asked what he does around the house. The guy said he's a grandfather and he spends time with his grandson. He said he really enjoys that. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard had Gary tell his story. Gary said when they went to Notre Dame Sal thought they were going to a college and he was surprised that it was a cathedral. He said Sal said something to him about following his lead when they went there. He said if Sal does that you turn and run. Sal said Gary followed him so he's a bigger idiot.
Gary said this woman was there and she had huge breasts. Gary said Sal had him stand there to take a picture of him next to these women and it turns out he was just taking a picture of their tits.
Howard said you know Sal is up to something pervy when he does something like that. Howard asked if the woman was wearing a low cut top. Sal said she was. He said he and Ralph were out on the beach at Bubba's wedding and they were taking pictures of women out on the beach there pretending they were taking pictures of Ralph. Sal said he used to wear speedos to the beach and he'd stick a long rock in there to make it look like he had a boner. He said he'd have a friend throw a Frisbee toward a woman and he'd go over to her lean over and say ''excuse me'' with this rock boner.
Howard said Sal saw Notre Dame and he was more interested in taking pictures of tits. Gary said they went in to light a candle after that. Howard said Sal is a fucking idiot. Sal said you have to balance it all out.
Howard said those are the days when you had to get pictures developed. Sal said he had to take it home and plug this thing into his computer. He said it was fun to look at. He said it wasn't enough to jerk off to. Robin said his trip was just pictures of titties. Howard said Sal knows it as his trip to Notre Dame. Howard said follow his lead right to prison in France.
Howard said how about looking at Notre Dame instead of tits. Sal said he got to see both.
Sal said there was this other thing that they went to see in Paris. He called it something other than what it was, Arc de Triomphe, so Robin had to correct him on that. Sal said it was just this little arc. He said it was nothing.
Howard said Sal liked seeing Gary's wife over there. Howard asked if he took any secret pictures of her over there. Sal said not close ups. He said he's pissed that he didn't. Sal said he likes Mary. Gary said he thinks about Sal's wife sometimes too. He said he pictures banging her from behind holding that hair.
Howard asked if Sal was able to charm Mary on that trip. Sal said she's a sweet lady. He said she is sexually attractive and they had fun over there. Gary said that's not much of a compliment because he's attracted to Tan Mom. Sal said that's not very nice.
Howard said he thinks Sal is going to go straight to jail after he retires. He said he'll do something wrong. Gary asked Sal if he ever listens to that job interview he did last year and if he takes anything away from it. Howard said he takes that he has to keep working so Sal has a job. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said Lori Loughlin must be loving all of this attention. Robin said she's being cut out of some show that she was part of. She said she's not sure she'd miss her because she's never seen the show. Howard said you can't cut OJ out of ''Naked Gun.'' He said you'd miss that.
Robin said Lori and her husband pleaded not guilty so they don't want this case to go away. Howard said Lori is facing 40 years in prison. He wondered if they'll address this on Fuller House. He said that Uncle Jesse may have to tell the kids about what's going on.
Howard had a clip of Danny Tanner's daughter getting a lecture on Full House. Howard asked if this is Saget or Stamos. Gary said it's Bob Saget. Howard said they put the sad music on as he's talking to her. Howard said it was either dad or uncle Jesse giving these talks. Howard said these guys were big idiots but they became great dads at the last minute.
Howard did one of those talks himself with the piano music playing as he was telling a little girl about what conspiracy to commit fraud is and things like that. They had clips of a little girl asking questions playing the part of Howard's daughter.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a long time listener and he's from Pennsylvania like that caller earlier. Howard said he's not a cunt like that guy. He said he's very high on Pennsylvania but a cunt like that caller makes him negative. The caller said he lives in Lancaster with the Amish. Howard said he likes the Amish. He said they're not fucking up the environment and keeping to themselves. He said they're not forcing their lives on him. The caller said they're very friendly with you if you're local. He said they don't like being disrespected and they'll get pissy if you take pictures of them and things like that. Howard said he digs their whole scene.
The caller said he thinks Howard is hard on himself. He said he doesn't think he gives himself enough credit. He congratulated him on his book. He said he thinks he has the world by the balls. Howard said he doesn't think that way. He asked what world he has by the balls. The caller said he's successful and he's doing the North Shore Animal League stuff. Howard said he's not sure what this guy is trying to say. He said that guy isn't a cunt but he is close.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has talked to Stamos nice the Aunt Becky thing went down. Howard said he hasn't. He said he doesn't talk to Stamos that much. He said he lives in California. He said he got to hang with him and Rebecca more when they came to New York. He said he saw Rebecca and Jerry over the summer. He said Rebecca looked great. He said he didn't notice Jerry.
Howard said he loves John Stamos. He said he doesn't see him that much anymore. He said they had to take Rob Zombie to the hospital once. He said Rob had an allergic reaction to something when he went outside. He said they took him to the local hospital.
Howard said Stamos is a fun guy. He said he's not sure how he's responding to this Lori Loughlin thing. He said that he might like it because they're talking about Uncle Jesse and Fuller House.
Howard said Stamos had so many women who were 10s. He said that he must have been happy. He said he saw him when he wasn't so happy though. Howard said he must be wondering what he's gotten into now that he has a kid. He said he had it made before. Howard said he remembers walking into the hospital with Rob and John. He said that was a photo op. He said he told the doctor that Rob reacts to the sun like Dracula. He said he asked Rob if he ever gets outside and Rob said not really. He said his eyes were swollen shut.
Howard said he probably has to take another break. Fred said they do. Howard said he'll take one more call. He said he has a lot to get to today.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he never really heard Alex Jones other than on his show but he heard him on a podcast this morning and he thinks the guy on his show sounds just like Alex. Howard said go to the app and watch the puppet on there. He said it's really funny. Howard said that app is out there and he loves it. Howard said he checks the stock price every day. He said he has that stock and there's never anything exciting going on there. He said he sees they're making more money every quarter. He said he never understands the stock market.
Robin said she was taking stock market classes but then she had a big interruption. Howard said she had that cancer. Robin said that was it. She said she had some money she was going to play with. Robin said you can make some quick money but that's not how you invest long term. Howard said if there's a silver lining in this cancer thing it saved her from bankruptcy. Robin said she got spanked in the stock market. she said she only had a small amount but it took her on a ride. She said her teacher was an actor who had to invest with the money he was making. Robin said he was doing okay with his money while other actors were struggling. She said he started teaching other actors how to invest so that's how he got into the teaching thing.
Howard said Michael Rapaport was funny yesterday. He said he won't argue with him about where he sits at the Knick games. Howard said it's really interesting with the seating there. He said you go a few rows back and you're an untouchable. Robin said Woody Allen makes sure you know he buys his seats. Howard said Spike Lee does too. He said he might not get that front row if he didn't. Gary said Spike started up higher in the stands. Howard said he saw Howie Mandel there and he was up in the third or fourth row. Robin said Howie will never be front row. Howard said he came over to say hello and he felt like asking if he was in the fourth row and what he was doing down there.
Howard said J.B. Smoove was happy to be third row. He said he was saying he could be put back in the 7th row. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he called the boys in to clear out the computer. He said they'll get to that in a minute.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves the show. He said he's sitting in traffic on the Long Island Expressway. Howard said he had a plan to clear up that traffic when he was running for Governor. Howard said this guy loves him because he provides a service. JD said he's a hero. Richard said he got him through the days when he was an electrician. He said he got him through his days. Howard told him to be quiet.
The caller told Howard he agrees with him about the NY Times. Howard said he's right and they're on our side. He said they're not the enemy of the people.
Howard took a call from a guy whose phone was cutting out. Howard said he's going to stop taking calls. The caller said he was out with friends last night and they were talking about Game of Thrones. His phone cut out again. Howard said cell phones are the worst. He said every time he gets to a good thought it cuts out. Howard said he's trying to guess what he's saying. He had the guy start again. The caller started over and told him a story about this girl who ended up going out with Benjy after finding him through Bumble. He said all Benjy was able to talk about was the show. He said the real problem was that his pictures were 30 pounds old and she didn't recognize him. The caller said just don't talk about work when you go on a date.
Howard said Benjy just walked in and he has a big wet spot on him. Benjy said he spilled some water on him. Howard said he thought he was sweating.
Howard said this guy just said he was on an app where the woman decides. Benjy said they initiate. Howard said he has pictures of himself 30 pounds lighter. Howard asked what he'd do if he had the opposite happen. Benjy said he has had that happen and it's annoying. Benjy said he does it because a guy can work his way into a woman's life. He said he always says use your best pictures and women use your worst.
The caller, Mike, said when you show up like that you're already saying you've deceived them. Mike said she was attracted to the guy in the picture but he lied to her. Benjy said he never brings up the show. Mike said bullshit. Benjy asked if he can tell him anything about this woman. Mike said no way. Benjy said he avoids saying where he works. He said he doesn't want them looking him up. Howard said he tends to believe this woman. Benjy said it's not even the woman, it's the caller.
Mike said the woman told him the stuff that he told her on the date. He said it was all about the show and how he had night terrors and got fired and all of that. Benjy said none of that is true. Howard said Benjy hasn't gotten laid in over a year.
Howard said Benjy did get good write ups from the fans yesterday. Howard read some of the email that he got about Benjy. People were writing in about how they didn't feel he went into the vortex yesterday.
Howard said he was a big hit yesterday. He said he's just being himself and people like that.
Howard asked Benjy what his parameters are on Bumble. Benjy said they change all the time. He said he went from ages 18 to 100 and up to 100 miles away. He said it's very fun to do that. Howard asked if he gets zero matches. Benjy said that's the fun. He said you go on and swipe and someone likes you and it feels great. Howard asked if he goes on dates. Benjy said he doesn't go on that many. He said he gets uptight about his weight. He said that he will tell them that he is heavier and they ask for a current picture and he won't send one.
Shuli asked if anyone has confronted him on a date. Benjy said he thinks so but not blatantly. Howard said he shows up like this and his shirt looks like a poncho. Benjy said he tries to get there first so he can sit down before they see him.
Howard said he has a woman on the phone who says she took Peleton with Benjy yesterday. Howard asked if the hot instructor said anything to him. Benjy said she didn't say anything. He said she just got right into the class. Howard said he heard he was really sweaty after the class. Benjy said there was a puddle under him. Howard asked why he's not losing weight. Benjy said it's mostly the calories. He said the exercise is good for you though. Howard asked if he's eating all night. Benjy said if he sleeps he doesn't eat so much. Howard asked why he gets annoyed when he says he gets a ''good sleep.'' Howard said it's when you sleep well. He said it's annoying to him.
Howard asked if he eats during the show. Benjy said he does but it's light. Howard said he just got a note saying he has a half eaten burrito on his desk right now. Benjy said it's a Quinoa burrito. He said it's 320 calories or something. Howard asked how many coffees he had. Benjy said he's on one large. He said he also had 2 caffeine pills. Shuli asked how much sleep he got. Benjy said he got like 6 and a half. He said he needs more though. Benjy said when he gets a full sleep he can do more.
Howard asked what time he went to bed last night. Benjy said it was around 10. He said he didn't fall asleep right away. Howard asked how long he laid there. Benjy said a half hour at least. He said he got up at 4 and used the bathroom for like a half hour. He said he over ate during the date so he had to shit from 4-4:30. He said he had to shit an hour before he got to work.
Howard asked what's happening with him. Benjy said he had to shit more. He said he walked around after that half hour and then had to go again. Howard said he's never heard of such a thing. Benjy said when he got a colonic he was taught to press his stomach somehow. He said he does that to get it all out. Howard said this is silly. He said now he's starting to do shtick. Benjy said it's not shtick. He asked Robin if she was taught that stuff with her colonic. Robin said there are things like that.
Howard asked what he ate yesterday. Benjy said he had a bag of stuff from Trader Joes. He said he had a burrito in the morning. He said later on he had a bag of potatoes with onions from Trader Joes. He said he microwaved them at home for dinner. Howard asked what he had for lunch. Benjy said he didn't eat until about 4. He said he got a bag of lentil beans and garbanzo beans. He said it was going to be 2 meals. He said it was so good he ate it all at once.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she took a class with Benjy a couple of weeks ago and his skin looked awesome after class. She said she told him he looked good and he wasn't blotchy. The caller said she was fixated on him during class. Howard asked if she's hot. she said she's not really. Howard said he figured everyone that went is kind of hot but then he realized that Benjy is there.
Gary asked Benjy how he gets to that class early if he can't get to work early. Benjy said he knows which bikes are camera bikes. He said he went yesterday and it was just his legs showing. He said his legs look horrible. The caller said that he talked about where he lived and things like that. She said she got sucked into the vortex.
Howard thanked Benjy for coming in and let him go on his way. He said he lost him today. Gary said he knows why. He said Howard asked him a question and he didn't just give a straight answer. Howard played a song parody to play Benjy out of there.
Ronnie said he wants to know what he ate. Howard told him to ask then. Ronnie asked but Benjy was giving him a hard time so Howard said this is what Ronnie just got him into. Benjy asked Howard who was on the show last week. Howard knew it was Sammy Hagar and Chelsea Handler. Benjy said that was an easy one. Howard kicked him out. Gary said go out on a high. Benjy said there's a lot of affection in their eyes for each other. He said he just wants everyone to know that. Gary told Benjy to put the headphones down and walk away. Howard said it's like a hostage situation.
Gary said he's had a conversation with Benjy about where the headphones go and he always puts them in the wrong place. He said they have a hook and he won't do it. He said he did it this time. Shuli said everything is fuzzy with him. Robin said his arms go up and he's like a psychic about what he ate. Howard said you just want to know what he ate. He said he gives this long explanation about what he was eating.
The guys were all goofing on Benjy about how he eats and explains things. Shuli said he had a can of chili up to his face last week and he was tapping it to get the last bits out of it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Benjy is employed by Howard or Sirius. He said if he employs him can't he just get rid of him? Howard said Sirius makes him work with him. He said he's Jim Meyer's son. He said Benjy's last name is SiriusXM. Howard said he fired him years ago and he won't go home. Howard said Benjy is employed by SiriusXM by his recommendation. Howard said Benjy really is funny sometimes. He said it's too bad they can't just send him off into the woods and make him disappear.
Howard said Benjy really is good off the air when he's writing. He said Sirius would be happy not to have to pay Benjy. He said that they're doing him a favor by hiring the guy.
Gary said he can see in Howard's eyes that Benjy drained him. Howard said they need him on the show. He asked if he should be fired. No one thought he should be. Gary said they should have him keep a food log for the next week. Howard said Shuli could cover something like that. He said he could keep a log of everything he eats. Robin said he wasn't going to mention some of the stuff he had to eat. Shuli said he gets these peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from the vending machine.
Howard said about 30 years ago when his daughter was born he got a hamburger from a vending machine and he got sick. He said he was out sick for 2 days after that. He said he remembers his mother talking about that with him. He did his impression of his mother talking about that day and how he was no help.
Gary said if you like peanut butter and jelly just make it fresh and keep it in the refrigerator there. Howard said imagine what that thing is like in the vending machine. He said you know it'll go bad in that machine.
JD said he will admit he has had those things. He said they're good but he tries not to eat them. Robin said there's always some industrial taste to those things. JD said they taste good to him. He said it's probably over 500 calories. Gary said it's like 1000 calories. Howard said The Lump told him he got the shits from one of those things.
Howard asked about Benjy's shit story and how he knows what he's talking about but he's not going to walk around trying to stimulate himself. Shuli said he's eating vegan burritos and then stuff from the vending machine. He said you can't do both. Robin said he has the same logic as High Pitch Erik. Gary said they used to make low fat cookies and he used to just eat them all up because he thought that was okay.
Howard said Benjy is up shitting all morning. Robin said it sounds like he has no fiber in his diet. She said he's thing to make doody with no fibber in his diet. Howard said he's surprised he shits at all. He said his body looks like it's absorbed all of the food.
Jason said they got one of those peanut butter and jelly things from the vending machine. Howard read the ingredients. He said the first thing is unbleached enriched flour. He didn't even like that. Howard said this thing is 390 calories. Jason said it's almost all fat and sugar. Howard said it's called a Jamwich. Howard said it does look kind of good. Robin said it's all sugar.
Gary said they have the Pig Island thing. Howard said Jason likes to eat meat. Howard said he isn't a vegetarian because he eats fish. He said that Jason likes to rip apart animals and eat them. Howard said this is what's causing problems on the planet. He said they have to be fed, bred and slaughtered. Howard said it's like the scientists are saying we have to stop eating meat. Howard said Jason had two dinners on Saturday.
Howard asked what he weighs now. Jason said he's about 300. He told Howard they went out to a concert and they had a whole night of eating and drinking. Jason told Howard all of the stuff they had for he first dinner before this concert. Jason said they went to the concert and they had a lot of weed. Jason said they had edibles thrown in with the food. He said they saw Ghost of the Forest in concert. He said he didn't get home until 4 in the morning.
Jason said that this was paced out so well that he felt great. He said the concert was done around 11:30 so they went and had another meal. He ran down a long list of things they ate there. Jason said that was just for 2 people. Howard said he's just going to die one day. He asked how old he is. Jason said he's 40. Howard said he's not going to make it to 50. Robin said they can't predict that. She said that it doesn't stand with the statistics.
JD said Jason had a steak flight for his 40th birthday. Jason said for this 40th he wanted good quality meat. He said he special ordered all kinds of meat and made a flight of rib eyes. Howard asked what the hell he's doing.
Howard asked what this Pig Island thing is. Jason said it's a food festival. Robins said he told her that he was eating pig skin. Howard said Chris went with him there. Chris said there was smoke bellowing there. He said there are carcasses of pig everywhere. Chris said Jason ate so much that he looked like he was going to lose him. He was walking and eating and it was the most walking he had done in years.
Howard read some of the notes Chris had about this visit to Pig Island. He had some clips to play of Jason describing what was going on there. Chris said he has looked into the eyes of a guy cumming and Jason's eyes looked like that. He said he was cumming thinking about this pork.
Jason said he loves all of this. He said he has eaten the pig's eye, snout and more. Howard asked when he did that. Jason told Howard about some place he went where they had a whole pig's head. Howard said he had to leave a party one time because they had a whole pig on display. He said it reminded him of his dog.
Gary asked Jason if he bought a big smoker. Jason said he did and he had a whole pig in there last year.
Howard played another clip of Jason talking about how disgusting pigs are and how they're not like dogs. He said they taste too fucking good. He said if humans tasted this good we'd be eating humans.
Howard said Jason started eating and didn't stop. He had a montage of clips of Jason eating a bunch of different things.
Howard asked if he ate really fast. Chris said he did. He said he acts like a Connoisseur of food but he's just eating so fast he can't even be tasting it. Howard asked Jason if he ever gets diarrhea. Jason said his dumps are normal. Chris said he went toe to toe with Jason and ate a lot. He said he was at a cafe in Brooklyn and had to shit his brains out later that day. He said it was a lot of food in a short time.
Shuli asked if Jason has made those sounds sexually that he was making during that clip. Jason said probably not.
Howard said Jason told Chris he'd like to be a butcher's apprentice some day. He had a clip of Jason talking about watching a butcher chopping up a pig. Jason said he's sitting right across from the pig and he feels nothing other than hunger. He said he wants to learn how to do this because it's fascinating. Chris said it was really graphic. He said they were cutting up the pig right in front of them. Howard said it sounds worse than Fist Fest in some way.
Shuli asked if Jason could raise a pig from a baby and kill it. Jason said he doesn't know. Howard said Richard had to do that. Richard said it was sad then they had to do that. He said they sold their pigs to places that butchered them.
Howard said in this clip Jason talked about how food has replaced sex with food in his relationship. Howard played that and Jason said that if you're in a long term relationship food is a constant while sex is up and down.
Howard asked if his wife is upset about that. Jason said she never wants him to talk about their sex life. He said he loves making that food and his wife loves it.
Howard said Jason's body started shutting down at one point in the day. He played a clip of Jason talking about getting worn out and feeling his whole body kind of slowing up. Jason said that was the meat sweats.
Howard said they weighed Jason before and after the day. He gained 5 pounds in four hours. Jason said he can hear he's kind of upset about that. Howard said he's killing himself. He asked if he'd diabetic yet. Jason said no but he knows he has to lose weight. He said on the plus side he doesn't have any medical conditions. He told a story about how he tried to kill himself by eating a whole bag of potato chips when he was in college because he was so depressed.
Howard asked what the pig eye tasted like. Jason said it was kind of like a grape. He old Howard what that experience was like before Howard took a call from Jason's heart. The Lump called in as his heart talking about how stressed out he was.
Robin said Jason is an alcoholic but with meat. She said he's smiling like it's not a disease. she said it is though. Jason said it must be some kind of addiction. He said he'd rather give up weed over meat. Howard asked how much weed he did on Saturday. Jason said he had edibles and regular weed rolled in a joint. He said he had a vape pen too. Howard asked if he had magic mushrooms too. Jason said he did. Howard asked if he was able to walk. He said he's an amazing guy. Jason said they just paced it all out very well.
Chris said that he went home and had dinner after pig island. Jason said he did. He said that was lunch at Pig Island.
Howard said Jason is considered morbidly obese. Gary said Jason does tried to eat right for a week at a time. He said he can't go cold turkey though. Jason said he's trying to eat healthy and eats Quinoa. Robin said that gets converted right to sugar when you eat it.
Howard said he gets shrimp Parmesan and he scrapes off all of that stuff. Gary said that's like torture. Robin asked why he can't just get grilled eggplant. Howard said he gets some burnt broccoli and some pasta. He said he has like 3 or 4 bites of the pasta and throws the rest away. He said he has the shrimp breaded too.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what the over under is on Jason's heart exploding. Howard said he's 25 years older than Jason and he might outlive him. Jason said that's sad. Howard said Jason should be at his funeral. Jason said he doesn't want to talk about either. Howard asked if Jason wants to live. Jason said he does. He said he came to the realization that he wants to live but he's been living like a guy who doesn't want to. Robin said he can have the meat but not eat so much. Jason said he likes to eat high quality meat. Chris said a good diet for him would be to just have one dinner.
Howard said Dr. Ira Bright is very worried about Jason. He said he's very concerned about Jason's weight. Chris said he spoke to him. Howard played a clip of Dr. Ira talking about how Jason could end up dying before 50 if he doesn't do something now. Howard said look what Robin is going through. He said you just want to die if you have to go through that stuff. Robin said then you're fighting for your life.
Howard asked what Jason's wife thinks about all of this. Jason said that he doesn't let her say much. Howard said he heard she got mad at him for hiding fast food wrappers in the trash. Jason said he doesn't remember that but he's sure it happened. He said he will come home and hide it.
Howard said he used to eat meat and pasta for dinner and he would have cheesecake with Robin before that. He said if hey didn't have utensils he'd just eat it with his hands.
Howard asked if he eats in bed. Jason said no but only because his wife wont let him. He said he used to before he was married.
Howard asked Jason about getting mad at his wife for making the wrong pasta. Jason said she's in charge of dinner and he wants to know what they're having. He said he likes to be informed. He said they were having spaghetti and meatballs. He said she made rigatoni because they didn't have spaghetti. He said he got so pissed and upset. He said he told her to go out and get the spaghetti. Jason said he shuts down and gets mopey.
Howard said he heard Jason got mad that his wife made him a sandwich for dinner the other night. Jason said she's going to be mad at him for talking about this. He said he had a really long day at work and had to sit in traffic. He said he got home and she said she was going to make a cold cut sandwich so he got really angry with her. He said he feels like more effort would be good. He said it was like a smack in the face. Jason said tonight they're having pork loin for dinner. He said it's very important to him to have that conversation. He said they're having green beans too.
Shuli asked about the rigatoni and if he ate it. Jason said he had a little but not the normal amount. Chris told Howard that Jason said the best day of his life was when his wife found out that she was allergic to Quinoa and stopped making it.
Howard said he heard Jason wanted to buy a cold cut cutting machine. Jason said not for cold cuts. He said that would be for brisket and pastrami. He said he makes his own. Chris said he has these smokers and all of these parties and Jason is such a great fucking guy. Howard said he knew a fat guy who was constantly grilling and having parties. He said he had a ton of medical problems. Jason said he's had a lot of people over for meals. He said that's his hobby.
Howard had High Pitch Erik on the phone and asked if he has any suggestions for Jason. Erik said he's very mad at Robin. He said she puts him in the same category as Benjy. He said she says he's as fat as Benjy. Howard said this is silly. Shuli asked what he weighs now. Erik said he weighs 330 pounds. Gary said he was at 281 at one point. Howard said he's fatter than Benjy. Erik said he's trying to lose it again. The guys said he had to have blown through his stomach bands. Robin said he had to have. Erik said he still gets full if he eats. Howard said that's enough of this.
Howard told Chris to put on Jason's jacket to see what that looks like. He said that's the tape he's been sitting on for a year. Chris put on Jason's jacket and Howard said that's a good visual. Howard said they have to take a break. They went to break after that.
Howard asked what's in the first clip. Gary said the guys started arguing before a panel they were on and it continued on the panel. Howard played the clip and the guys were going back and forth arguing about nonsense. Howard said that's kind of like a Real Housewives but with Punk Rock. Gary said Johnny got into it to change lives but he says Marky got into it for drugs. Howard played another clip where Johnny was talking about that. Howard said Johnny can really yell. He said he saw the video of it and Johnny is a big fat guy now. He said Marky was getting really steamed. He said they know Marky.
Gary said in the last clip Henry Rollins got words from Johnny. Howard said Henry can lift some weights so he'd leave Henry alone. Howard played a clip of Johnny talking to Henry and telling him his music was fucking boring.
Howard said that guy has a lot of opinions. He did an impression of him telling Henry the Black Flag music was boring. Howard said he didn't understand Black Flag music. He said the guy scared him. He said he likes Henry when he talks. He said he thinks the guy is funny. Gary said Henry is kind of like Johnny when he talks. He said he talks about people who suck in the business.
Howard said it's shocking that a guy who's named Johnny Rotten is miserable. Howard had the guys in the back doing their impression of Marky and Johnny arguing on the phone. Howard tried to calm the guys down but they kept going until Howard hung up. Howard said this is like Star Trek when the two guys were locked in battle.
Howard asked Jon Hein what he has. Jon said he has audio of a dad who made his son a left handed quarterback because he's a lefty. He said the guy believes in two things, the bible and the belt. He said the guy moved the family from Hawaii to Alabama so he could watch his son play.
Howard asked Chris what he has for tomorrow. Chris said he covered the gay porn awards a couple of years ago and he has clips from that.
Howard asked Richard what he has. Richard said they went to the street and told guys they were cracking down on guy's bulges in Times Square.
JD said he has clips of news helicopters who were following the wrong car. Ronnie had a clip of some girl who is into Tetris. Shuli said he would like to alienate half the audience with a Bobo update. He said he has some new information about Bobo's working days at the post office.
Howard said he wishes it was Wednesday already. Gary said Bobo will not be happy. Shuli said it's great stuff.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he owes someone an apology. Howard asked if he's broadcasting on another apparatus. Jeff said he has to turn down his radio. Howard asked if he's on Periscope. Jeff said he's not. He said he can't accuse him of doing that when he's not on it. Howard said he's echoing though. Jeff said he didn't do anything.
Howard said Jeff is doing something. He said he won't say what it was. Jeff said he turned down the radio.
Jeff said he should have picked up on him yesterday. He said he's a big fan of Tiger Woods. He said he should have picked up on him yesterday. Howard said he doesn't know he's a Tiger Woods fan. Jeff said he's told him that 100 times. Howard asked what he has to say about Tiger. Jeff said he told Howard he'd come back. He said he was just so happy about that comeback. Robin asked what he would have added yesterday. Howard said nothing. Jeff said it was his first Masters win in 14 years and his first major one in 11 years. He said he can break the record set by The Bear. Robin said they said all of that yesterday. Gary said every article started off with those stats.
Howard said Jeff is the worst broadcaster ever. Jeff was still going on and on about Tiger Woods. He was giving statistics about Tiger. Shuli said he's not sure what this fascination with golf is. Howard thanked Jeff for the call. He let him go.
Howard said it's tough to say Baba Booey at the Masters but some people pulled it off. Gary said you can yell out certain things but not Baba Booey. Howard said here's one from a Tiger Woods tee shot at the 12th. There were a couple of people who said ''Baba Booey.'' Howard said another one yelled out during his tee shot at the 16. He played that clip and went to break a short time later.
Howard said he watched Game of Thrones. Robin said she did too and she wasn't overly impressed. Howard said he liked it. Robin said there were moments when you couldn't see anything. Howard said he doesn't want to get into that again but there were moments when you couldn't see things. He said he can't watch TV in complete dark. He said it's like listening to radio instead of watching TV. Howard said these punks today are still making stuff in the dark. He said they call it art. He said back in his day you could see everything. He said they made movies in the dark and you could still see things.
Howard said it's all changed. He said he wasn't psyched up to see the show but he got psyched up for it. He said they had some nudity in it too. He said they had 3 hot chicks naked. He said he likes when the Khaleesi was flying around on the dragons. Robin said that drives her crazy when she's going on a date in the middle of a crisis. She said you wonder if there's a crisis. Robin said she's thinking the bad dragon is going to catch them.
Howard said he was in the bathroom just now trying to get back to the show. He said he never touches his penis so he can skip washing his hands but he knows he can't skip it. He said he balances his penis on his underpants. Robin said his hands are still getting stuff on them. Howard said he thinks he doesn't have to wash his hands after he pees but he does wash them. He said he unbuttons his pants and takes his penis out with his underpants. He said he's only touching the top of his underpants. Robin said it's touching his skin. Robin said he has dead cells coming off of him at every moment. Howard tried to give her the Jamwich he checked out earlier. Howard said Benjy can have it if he wants it.
Howard said he wants to know about this Coachella thing. He said it seems incredible. Howard asked how far from L.A. it is. Gary said it's about 2 hours south. Howard said he's looking at pictures of this model who has a bra and panties and boots on. He said she's waking around like that. He said these girls go all out for Coachella. Robin said they just walk through and go home. She said it's like personal appearance city. She said they go out there to get their names out there.
Gary said there are a lot of 18 and 19 year old girls out there in the crowd who look like that. Howard said he sees that Gigi Hadid was there. He said you must be able to get to her at some point. Howard said he thinks he could have picked her up if he was there. Robin said Howard walked the beach with Carmen Electra but didn't have sex. Howard said that's true. Howard said there are women walking around almost naked out there. He said he kind of digs that. He said it's like Woodstock but upscale.
Howard said guys don't put any thought into their look but these girls put so much thought into it. Robin said those women are looking for a husband. Howard said that's fine. Robin said he acts like they're going to be nice girls. Howard said this Shanina Shaik looks like a nice girl.
Robin said Ariana Grande was there the other night. Howard said he wouldn't even pay attention to her. He said he'd be looking for other girls. He said if he was there he'd act like he was into the music but he'd just walk around looking kind of aloof. He said he'd zero in on the models who are a little past their prime.
Gary said you have to look for the regular girl. Howard said he doesn't want that. He said he wants the famous chick whose career is about to go down the shitter.
Robin started her news with a story about a woman who had a stroke after cracking her neck. Robin said 15 minutes later she tried to get up and she wasn't able to move her left leg. Howard said he sees these chiropractors doing that stuff. Robins said she hopes they know what they're doing. Robin said this paramedic helped her crack her neck and he didn't want to call for an ambulance. Robin said it turns out something was seriously wrong and they phoned for help. Robin said this was over in London. The woman had to have surgery to fix a vertebral artery.
Robin said that President Trump jumped on the Tiger Woods thing and said he's giving him the presidential medal of freedom for wining the Masters. Robin said he was very impressed with the comeback. Robin said she looked up what the medal of freedom is all about. She said they do give it to sports people. Robin said this is the highest civilian honor. Robin said it basically says he can give it to anyone he wants to. Robin read some of the names of people who have gotten the medal. Robin said now Tiger is getting one.
Robin said that AT&T is selling their stake in Hulu. Robin said Howard could buy into it and change things over there. Howard said he's only watching ''The Act'' over there. Robin said she watches a lot of stuff on there. She said she can watch stuff commercial free on the service. She said she watches Saturday Night Live and things like that commercial free. Robin said it's one of her faves.
Howard took a call from some girls (staff) who were at Coachella talking about what they wear there. They were talking about how little they wear there.
Howard took a call from Coachella which turned out to be Wendy the Slow Adult who is still in a nursing home. Howard asked where her mom is. Wendy said her mom is at home. Howard asked why Wendy is in a nursing home. Wendy said she had surgery on her leg and they had to put implants in her leg so she can't walk. Robin asked what kind of implant it was. Gary said he knows that a lot of nursing homes are rehab centers. He said she might be recovering from something.
Howard asked what happened to her. Wendy said she hit her leg on the dashboard and she wasn't able to move her leg. Jason came in and said her legs are messed up from a car accident and she can't walk. Jason said she's in some sort of nursing home/rehab center. He said she has to stay there until she can walk again. He said that they can't afford the rehab so she's basically just staying in a nursing home. Howard said this is a big change in life. He said she must miss being home. Wendy said her cat misses her and she's driving her mom nuts. Wendy said her mom is working on getting her back home.
Robin asked if she's getting up and walking. Wendy said she sits in a wheelchair. She said she can't walk on her own. Howard asked if she has someone helping her go to the bathroom. Wendy said she's been wearing diapers. Howard asked who cleans that out. Wendy said the nurses. Howard asked if it's a woman. Wendy said it is. Howard asked where they clean her. Wendy said they clean her private parts and her butt. Howard said Trump should give this nurse that medal he's giving to Tiger Woods. Howard said that diaper must reek. Wendy said it does. Howard asked if she ever shits her diaper so much it comes out the top. Wendy was saying yes to anything he asked.
Howard asked how far up they scrub her. Wendy said they scrub her up her back from her private parts. Howard asked how far up it gets. Wendy said it goes half way. Jason asked if they lay her down. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if most of the doody is in her diaper. Wendy was just saying yes to everything he asked. Wendy told him they use baby wipes to clean her out down there. Robin said she wouldn't call that a baby wipe.
Howard asked Wendy how the food is there. Wendy said the food is good sometimes. She said the mostly burn her food and it's hard for her to chew. She said she has to eat soup a lot. Howard asked if she has any teeth in her head. Wendy said she does. Robin said she must be losing weight. Howard asked how many diaper changes she has a day. Wendy said maybe 4 times a day. Howard asked if she has a roommate. Wendy said she does and she's a great roommate. She said they had a great Easter Sunday. Robin said it wasn't Easter on Sunday.
Jason said he heard she got a dog. Wendy said someone asked her to watch their dog. Howard asked if they ever shit their diaper at the same time. Wendy said they do. She said she shits her diaper more than her roommate does. Howard asked who has the smellier shits. Wendy said she does. Howard asked if they get changed at the same time. Wendy said yes to everything.
Howard said he would like to learn more in future calls. He was going to let her go. Wendy sounded like she was about to ask for money so Howard hung up on her. He said he knew he was about to get hit up. He said that's when he gives her Fred's number. Howard said imagine that diaper being full. He said it's a tough job being a nurse.
Robin read a story about how people who use marijuana may need two times the level of sedation when undergoing medical procedures. Howard said he doesn't mind that. Robin said that is a physical change though. Howard said he's willing to live with that.
Robin asked if Howard would ever have a intervention with Jason like he did with Richard. Howard said he's a grown man but he has said something to him. He asked what he's supposed to do.
Robin asked if Howard knows the name Georgia Engel. Howard said she was on the Mary Tyler Moore show. Robin said that's right. She had the theme song from the show for Howard to play. Robin said Georgia has passed away. Robin said she was 70 years old. Howard asked what she died of. Robin said she doesn't have that information. Howard said maybe she went to Pig Island. Howard said her last words were ''I can't believe Jason Kaplan outlived me.'' Robin said she was a Christian Scientist. Howard said she probably died of a cold. Robin said because of that she didn't consult a doctor. Robin said that's what happened to Jim Henson too. Robin said that made her think of Valerie Harper. She said that she had breast cancer that went to her brain but Valerie is still around. Robin said she's doing okay. Robin said she takes some pill that helps control things.
Gary said he looked up Jim Henson and he just didn't think he was that sick. He said it wasn't a religious thing.
Howard said Wendy needs to plug two people because she gets paid if she does. Wendy got in plugs for Atomic Electric in New Jersey. She spelled it all out and started to give out a phone number. Howard said don't do that. Wendy also said Austin Christopher. Howard let her go a short time later.
Robin read a story about Clark Gable whose grandson has died of a Fentanyl overdose. Robin said he was hosting a show called Cheaters. Robin said this is a big problem lately and it also had something to do with Tom Petty's death. Howard said he might need that. He said he'll be safe with it.
Robin read a story about American Idol and how Katy Perry is back to drawing attention to herself. Robin said she broke down in tears last night. Robin had some audio of Katy talking about what a mess she is and how proud she is of this contestant. Howard said he cried over Piff the Dragon on America's Got Talent. He said he was a big champion of that guy. He said he thinks he's doing very well right now. Robin asked if Howard thinks those tears were real. Howard said sure. Robin said Howard never cried on America's Got Talent.
Robin read a story about a republican who is going to run against Donald Trump for the 2020 presidential spot. Robin said his name is William Weld. She had some audio of him talking to Jake Tapper about that. Howard said he wouldn't hold his breath.
Howard said Piff the Magic Dragon has a residency at the Flamingo in Vegas. He said he really is very good.
Robin said a British comedian died on stage. Robin had some audio of his act but not him dying on stage. Robin said his name is Ian Cognito. Howard said he's not his style but... Robin had more of his act for him to play. Robin said Ian was on stage the other night and he wasn't feeling too well back stage. Robin said once he got on stage he was doing his act and then at some point he sat down on a stool and his arms and head fell back and everyone thought it was part of his act. Robin said he sat there for about 5 minutes with the audience laughing. Robin said then they tried CPR but he died on the scene. Howard asked if the audience got a refund. Robin said that's the ultimate act. She said you'll be telling that story forever. Howard said he hopes he doesn't die on the air. He said that would be very embarrassing.
Robin read a story about Lyft doing background checks on their drivers now. Robin said they're going to do daily checks on their drivers.
Robin said that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has announced she has quit Facebook. Robins said she did a lot on there so this is a big deal. Robin said she is calling social media a public health risk now. Robin had some audio of her talking about that.
Robin read a story about Nancy Pelosi talking about Donald Trump and how even he knows he's shouldn't be president.
Robin read a story about Justin Bieber being sued by a guy he ran over with his truck in 2017. Robin said he stayed on scene when he ran the guy over and waited for help.
Howard said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has tweeted over 7,700 times. He said that he's never done that. He can't imagine why she's telling people to quit social media. Howard had fake Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the phone to talk about that.
Robin read a story about Aretha Franklin receiving a Pulitzer prize posthumously. Robin said she passed away from cancer last August. Howard asked for people not to give him an award after he's gone. He said give them to him now. He said he's never gotten a good award. He said he got that Blockbuster award but they're gone now. Robin said they inspired the creation of Netflix. Robin said the creator of Netflix got a ridiculous late fee from Blockbuster and that inspired him to create Netflix.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show talking about an article about a guy who won $1.2 million betting on Tiger Woods. Howard said they were making a big deal out of the guy yesterday and today they're investigating the guy. He said the 39 year old day trader has a checkered pass with some domestic violence records. Howard said the next thing you know your life is ruined. He said the guy is a hero though for cashing in.
Robin said there's a guy on Jeopardy who is winning all kinds of things. She said he's almost up to a million. Robin said every day he's a couple hundred thousand grand up. Robin said he's playing it like he's gambling. Robin said he hunts for Daily Doubles and he has a system. Robin said he's all in when he gets a daily double. Robin said he keeps answering correctly and he's winning a lot of money. Howard said he has to watch that. He asked if Alex is still hosting. Robin said he is and Alex thinks this guy has the chance to overtake that other dude. Howard said the other guy is Ken Jennings.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves that Howard gets upset about his TV. He said he likes knowing his life isn't perfect. Howard said his life isn't perfect at all. He said he cant imagine that there are other people who have TV problems like he does.
Howard said his TV worked last night. Robin said it doesn't work regularly. Howard said they tell him the system is old but he's been complaining about it since they put it in.
Howard said he didn't get his hot water this morning. He said he's been feeling crappy and he's thinking it might be from where they get the water. Howard asked where they get it. Gary said in the kitchen there they can get hot or cold and it comes out of a filter. Howard said that's bullshit. He said he's thinking he's getting sick from that. Gary said there is a light on there that shows it's good. Gary said Brent said if the filter is bad it won't work. Howard said the water comes out boiled so is it one of those Instant Hot things. Gary said probably. He said Sal got grey water out of there once. Robin said that's the new filter letting some charcoal out.
Howard said he has a hot water heater at his house. He said it heats up water in like 30 seconds. He said you pour it in there and it heats up in no time. He said it's electric and looks like a tea pot. Robin said bring something like that in.
Howard said he once got poisoned by fish and almost had to have chemotherapy. He said that story is in his book Howard Stern Comes Again.
Howard said tomorrow is a big day for his photo shoot. He said he was going to do them all in one day but now he's spreading them out over Thursday and Friday. He said tomorrow he's doing two photo shoots. He said one is there at Sirius and one is downtown at some studio. He said he's limited them to an hour. He said he knows the angle he looks good at and he wants them to shoot that way. He said he has to have a certain look. He said that he knows how to make himself good looking in pictures. The caller said that's fashion. Howard said he looks like a model on his book cover. Robin said it is a good photo.
Howard said when he first met Robin a program director put them together on the phone. He said he spoke to Robin on the phone and he had taken a picture as his publicity photo. He said Robin looked at it and thought about marrying him. He said she thought he looked good. Robin said she thought it was going to be hard to work with him. Howard said she didn't want to be squirting in the same room so she ended up in the booth. Howard said Robin met him on the first day and she wanted to sue the station for false advertising. He said it was like Benjy's dating profile.
Howard said on the cover of the book he looks handsome and people are going to see him on TV and they won't know who he is. Howard said he can look good at the right angle. He said it's weird.
Howard said they took pictures with the guys in Sammy Hagar's band and they wanted him to sit between them on the couch and he said no. He said he has to sit on the end with his head turned to a certain angle. He said the photographer has to climb on a ladder to shoot down on him. He said that way he looks handsome. He said on the app he knows to hide behind the microphone.
The caller said he looks kind of like an asparagus. Howard said he'd be happy to look like that.
Howard said he almost had a religious experience last night. He said he was all worked up about the Jews being blamed for everything in the world. He said they're the scapegoat for everything. He said he was taking a leak and he started singing a Yiddish song. Howard sang it for Robin. He said he started doing some prayers and then he just went back to bed. He said then the started looking at the absurdity of religion. He said he thought about the difference between Christians and Jews. He said that one little difference between having a savior and waiting for a savior is all there really is. He said that's what it's all about for all these centuries. He said he was like holy fuck and went back to bed. He said it was all too much for him.
Howard said he thought he was going to go all out religious and stop getting vaccines. He sang again for Robin.
Howard said his TV problem might be funny but it really takes away his masculinity in front of his wife. He said that he's going to sell his whole TV setup to Marlee Matlin. He said she won't care if the sound doesn't work. Robin said she would like to check out that system. She said it can't be that bad. Howard said it is. He said there's something wrong with it. He said all he does is hit a button. Robin said he doesn't know what to do if the button doesn't work. Howard said she's right. Robin said it has to be pilot error. Howard said they had to hire a pilot to figure out the system.
Howard said his dad never made a lot of money but the TV always worked. He said you just shuffled around the rabbit ears and it worked fine. He said he heard everything. He knew when Bewitched came on it would work. He said he would beat off to Samantha on that show. Robin said he had to be pretty young. Howard said he may have been but he started early.
Howard said the first time he beat off he did it in his parent's bedroom. He said his parents got a TV in their room that had a remote control. He said it was unheard of. He said that he would look for something to beat off to. He said there were no VCRs or TiVos or anything like that. He said he had learned about how to beat off from a friend's brother. He said he knew something came out of your penis. He said he laid on his parent's bed and he didn't even know to bring in tissues. He said Gilligan's Island came on and it must have been night. He said he loved Ginger on Gilligan's Island. He said that was Tina Louise. He said he was rubbing his penis waiting for something to happen. He said then Tina Lousie came out all dressed up. He said he was laying on his back and he had to urinate so he started peeing. He said the pee was collecting on his stomach. He said he thought that was masturbation. He said he didn't know how to get up without the pee getting on the bed. He said he was nude so he didn't have anything to wipe it up with.
Howard said imagine him laying there like an asparagus tugging on his dick. He said what a cute little boy he was. He said he missed the Tina Louise moment because Gilligan and Skipper were arguing by then. He said he came to Gilligan. He said it was very gay. He said that was his first masturbatory gay experience. He said he came to two guys.
Howard let the caller go and thanked him for the call. He said it was many years ago that he masturbated the first time. Robin asked when he did it the correct way for the first time. Howard said he doesn't remember. He said he must have just figured it out on his own. He said he only wishes he had porn back then. He said his dad never talked to him about that stuff. He said his dad didn't talk to him about anything except how stupid he was. He said all he can do now is go to the shrink.
Howard said his shoulder was killing him yesterday and he thinks his shrink helped with that. He said he thinks that it was something he was holding in.
Howard brought up Brian Wilson who was really nuts and needed a lot of therapy. They were talking about how Brian is called a musical genius. Howard said he never liked the Beach Boys music. He said he's not sure about the Beach Boys music. Robin said that the Beach Boys were around before the Beatles. Howard said the Beatles broke it open for everyone though. Howard said no one knew about the Beach Boys. Robin said ''Oh my god...'' Howard said no one was talking about them before the Beatles. Robin said this is not the case. Howard said ''Fake news.'' Robin said Howard grew up around black people and she grew up around white people. She said they were listening to the Beach Boys.
Robin said her neighborhood was horrible too but that's what they were listening to. Howard said it's funny that he grew up with black people and Robin grew up with white.
Howard asked when the Beach Boys album came out. Fred said it was in 1963. The Beatles hit big in 64. Howard and Robin were still arguing about who came first.
Howard played a clip of these news anchors talking about the bit. The guy was telling the woman about how they were spoiling the show for people. The woman was only on season two. Howard said that she was not happy about that.
Howard said this is the bit. He replayed the bit where they went out and made up endings for the show.
Howard said it could turn out alright. Robin said they have to get out there and do it with the new Avengers movie. Howard said people want to kill you when you do that. He said he has to take a break and get to clearing out the computer. He said the boys will be in there to do that. Robin said they have to do that Angry Alice update. Howard said they'll do that after the break. They went to break after that.
Howard said he thinks this is more in Sammy's range than in Dave's. He said he loves Dave too. Howard said he would let this play but he thinks people are burning to hear him speak.
Howard said this is kind of crazy. He said High Pitch Erik is turning 47 this week. He said he didn't think he'd last this long being so obese. He said that his body has been stretched and worn out and he's still alive at 47. He said happy birthday to him.
Howard said he's going to give Robin a name and she has to guess if they died before or after 47. Howard asked about Corey Haim. Robin said that was before 47. Howard said he was 38 when he died. Howard asked Robin about Gilda Radner. Robin said she didn't live to 47. Howard said she died at 42.
Howard said how about Elvis Presley. Robin said she thinks he lived longer. Howard said he died at 42. Robin said she thought he was closer to 50. She said he looked it. Howard said Eddie Murphy had a great bit about Elvis. He told Robin the bit about how he was so good at singing they'd put him in movies to sing but he wasn't able to act. Howard said all of his lines were singing. Howard said he has a great bit about Elvis getting all fat and posing on stage. He said it's such a great bit.
Howard said Eddie was such a great stand up. He said he thought he was going to go out and do it again. He said he saw him on with Arsenio a few years ago and he said he was going to go out again. Robin said she doesn't know if that's really the case. Howard said he saw the interview. Howard said this was on the Arsenio Hall show. Robin said that was a really long time ago. Howard said Eddie said he was going to go back out. Robin said in recent years he's thought about going back out but he doesn't want to do the work.
Howard said he wanted to go back when he saw him. Robin said that was so long ago. Howard said he is an Eddie Murphy expert. Robin said she is. Howard said no, he is. He said listen to his expertise.
Howard said over in Qatar they have some kind of backward movement going on. He said they have a guy teaching guys how to properly beat their wives. Howard said they say never slap or punch but push on their shoulders. Robin asked where you push them to. Howard said you just push them around if they don't listen. Robin asked why they get to push them. Howard said they must not be listening. Howard said they also say use pebbles to stone them instead of larger rocks. Howard said the World Cup is gong to be held there in 2020. He said they're really behind the times with their laws on gays and things like that.
Howard asked if Michael Jackson lived longer than High Pitch Erik. Robin said they were about the same age. Howard said Jackson was actually 50. Howard asked about John Candy. Robin said he was younger. Howard said he was only 43. Howard asked about Christopher Reeve. Howard said he was older. Howard said he was 52. Howard asked about Verne Troyer. Robin said he did not outlive High Pitch Erik. Howard said he was 49 actually.
Howard asked about Babe Ruth. Robin said he was older. Howard said he died at 53. Howard asked about Steve Irwin. Robin said he had to be younger. Howard said he was 44. Howard gave Robin more like JFK who was 44. Howard said how about Joey Ramone. Howard said he was 49 when he died. Howard said it's crazy.
Robin said speaking of Steve Irwin his kids are carrying on what he did. Robin said they're teaching the boy to be as fearless as Steve. Robin said he's wrestling crocodiles and things. Howard said how about another line of work. He said use your head. Robin said they loved what their dad did. Howard said he'd be traumatized if a stingray stung his dad in the heart.
Howard said High Pitch Erik is actually 48 and not 47. He said they had that wrong. High Pitch Erik was on the phone and told Howard he is 48. He said he was born in 1971. Howard said he must be right but he wont' do the math. He did the math anyway. Howard did it the long way like he usually does. He came up with 48.
Howard asked if he thinks he'll make it to 50. Erik said absolutely. Howard said he is on his way back up to 400 pounds and he sleeps with a breathing machine. Howard asked if he's done with his walker. Erik said he's walking a lot better. Robin asked how much he weighed when he was on the walker. Erik said he was 400 pounds. Gary said Shuli said he will be back on the walker. Erik said he's going to be back to 270 this summer. He said he's going to go the gym and work out like crazy. They played a song with Erik making all kinds of strange sounds.
Howard said congratulations to Erik. He asked what his plans are for his birthday. Erik said he went to the car show at the Javits center yesterday since his birthday was yesterday. Robin said he doesn't drive though. Erik said he has driven one. He said he drove his friend Mike's car in Vegas. He said he Periscoped it and Bobo yelled at him for doing it. Howard said he doesn't have a license so of course he did. Howard asked if he knows he needs a license. Erik said he does but he knows how to drive. Howard asked why he doesn't have a license then. Erik said he doesn't need one in New York. Howard said he has one even though he lives in New York. Erik said he doesn't need a car there.
Shuli came in and said that Erik called him asking for him to give him some weed. He said he's threatening people too. He said someone sent him a happy birthday message and said Erik could answer him. He said that Erik wrote back saying fuck you and your family. Erik said that's what he does when someone messages you at 3 in the morning. Howard said turn it off. Erik said here might be an emergency. Howard asked who would be calling him. Erik said he has friends. Howard asked what emergency someone is going to call him about. Erik said there might be a death or something. Erik said what if Howard called him at 2am and there was an emergency. Howard asked what emergency he'd call him about. Erik wasn't able to come up with anything that would make it worth having his phone on all night.
Howard asked what emergency anyone has ever called him about in the middle of the night. Erik said probably when his mom passed away. Howard said that's not an emergency. He said you won't know until the next morning. Howard asked what he did when he found out his mom died. Erik said he went back to sleep. Shuli did an impression of Erik finding out something happened and then going right back to sleep. Howard and Shuli did impressions of Erik sleeping and making odd noises while snoring.
Erik asked if they can put up the pigeon noise that he made while snoring. Howard had Fred find that. Howard asked when Erik was last called for an emergency. Erik said that was the last time. Howard said he's never been called then. Erik said no. Howard said the odds are that no one will ever call him in an emergency. He said with every pound he puts on it's getting to be less and less chance of that happening. Erik said he might put Howard in his will. Howard said that's fine but don't make him owe any money. Erik said he has 3 TVs. Howard asked what else he owns. Erik said he has a computer and phones.
Howard said this is Erik snoring like a pigeon. Howard played the clip and Erik laughed. Erik said he took a nap for 18 hours. Robin said that's not a nap. Erik said he woke up around midnight after going to bed around 1 in the afternoon. Howard said that's not 18 hours. Howard figured it out and came up with 11 hours. Erik said he went back to bed for another 7 or 8 after that. Howard said he must have a lot of stress.
Howard said he's going to play Erik's Darth Vader snore. He wears one of those things to help him breathe when he's sleeping. Howard said they have some unteathered snores and then this where he was on the machine. Erik said he had the air conditioner on. Erik said he didn't have anything on his face. Howard said he thought he had his mask on. Howard played the clip and Erik was snoring like he had a SCUBA tank on. Howard said he has to have something on his face. Erik said he didn't. He can't wear that mask. He has one but he didn't wear it. Fred played some Star Wars music in the background as they were talking about that.
Howard said Erik has a sleep apnea mask, right? Erik said he does. Howard asked if he cleans it. Erik said he did about a year ago. Shuli said they should have Sal and Richard smell that thing. Robin said they have machines to clean those things. Erik said he might get one. Howard asked if it has changed color yet. Erik said he hasn't seen it. He said he has to sleep on his side. He said that's where his doctor told him to. Howard asked if the mask smells or not. Erik said he doesn't know. He said he doesn't have bad breath. Howard said he can't be practicing good dental hygiene. Howard said they say you should clean that thing once a week. Erik said he doesn't. Howard said they know that.
Howard played Erik's Darth Vader snoring clip again. Shuli said there's nothing on his face. Erik said there was no mask on his face. Howard said he guarantees there's something growing in that mask. Robin said it's a matter of how much is growing in there. Robin asked if he uses it at all. Erik said he hasn't used it in the last two months. He said it's very uncomfortable.
Shuli asked if he knows why he has to use it. Erik said if he doesn't use it then it's bad. Robin asked why it's bad. Erik asked if she's dumb.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Erik is bleeding everyone dry by having that surgery and then getting a CPAP and not using it. Erik said he is earning a living and paying taxes. Howard asked how he's doing that. Erik said with the Cameo thing. Howard said he is leaving message for people. The caller asked who is paying for his cell phone. Erik said he does with his Cameo money. Gary said there is no way he's paying taxes. He said he must think that they're taking taxes out when they take their percentage. Erik said he got a 1099 for Cameo and he put that on his taxes. Howard said he may be confused by all of that. He said he's still getting his government dole. Shuli said he showed up in L.A. and he paid for his own ticket out there.
Erik said he has some money in his account. Shuli said he had over 10 grand in his account. He said he was bashing his head into the wall after seeing that. The caller said he was calling Shuli for free weed on his birthday and he has 10 grand. Erik said there is no flower in the stuff in New York.
The caller asked if Erik had gastric bypass or a band put in. Erik said he had a gastric sleeve. Howard said he's still reeling from the 10 grand in his account. He said he's High Pitch Bezos.
Shuli said Erik was doing those Cameos at the Yankee game. Erik said he did 15 of them yesterday. He said he gets $75 for each one. Erik said he got up at like 2 in the morning and he had like 11 Cameos to do. He said he was able to do them in about an hour. He said they have him say a lot of stuff and it's very confusing.
Howard asked why it's confusing. Erik said the way they write stuff is confusing. He said he did them all at 2am. Howard said he has a side business going and there's nothing wrong with that. Erik said he got his W2s from Blue Bloods and his 1099 from Cameo. Robin said he's going not get upset when they cut his benefits. Erik said they won't. Howard said the fact that he made some money is nothing to crow about. He said he's making some money so that's good but don't crow about that. Robin said he wasn't paying rent and he has 10 grand in the bank. Gary said he's not picking up the tab that the taxpayers are paying him.
Howard said there are women on the phone who want to meet Erik now that he has 10 grand in the bank. Howard picked up and had a woman (from the staff) telling Erik that she sees him in a new light now that he has money. She said she'd clean his CPAP machine. Erik said she sounds hot. Howard asked how old she is. She said she's 24. Howard said welcome to having money. He said now he has a Jenny McCarthy look alike on the phone. She said she'd even lick his folds. Howard asked Erik to give her some romance. Erik said he'd take her to White Castle or something. Howard asked if she can have anything on the menu. Erik said sure. The caller asked if she can go to Nobu or something.
Howard asked the two to talk dirty to each other. Erik was talking about how he'd lay her down and take her shirt off. He said then they'd start fucking each other so hard. He said he'd put his dick in her pussy. Erik was telling her what he'd do to her. The caller asked what he'd name their baby. Erik said he'd name her anything she wants. He said she'd name their baby ''Junior.'' Howard asked if Erik is beating off. Erik said he is. Howard said he might as well. Howard asked the caller, Annie, what she's wearing. She said she's wearing a low cut shirt with Donnie Wahlberg on it. Erik said ''Oh my god.'' Shuli asked what he's wearing. Erik said he has shorts and no shirt. He said he's beating off right now. Annie told Erik to go for it. She told him to cum for her right now. Erik said he's going to do it. Howard said he thinks they should get a room. Howard said he hopes Annie can land High Pitch Erik. She told Erik he has to keep doing Cameo. She said she wants to eat his cum and squirt for him. Howard let Annie go and said way to score. Erik said he came on his bed sheets. Howard said welcome to the world of the rich. Erik said now it's like Everybody Loves High Pitch. Howard let him go after that.
Shuli said he loves it when he sounds like he'd under water when he talks. He did an impression of that. Shuli did more of his impression of Erik talking to that girl. Howard said he has to take a break but he has to get to Angry Alice. He said maybe he'll get the guys in there after the break. They went to break after that.
Howard said he has to tell you a couple of things. He said next week is JD week on Howard 101. He said they have his first day on air right up to his wedding. He said that will be on Howard 101 all next week. He said JD will be hosting it. JD said there are some things that aren't that honorable in there. Gary asked if they have it in there when he spent his tax return on a stripper. Howard went over some of the other things they will have in the special. Fred was doing his impression of JD talking about going to Peggy's Cove.
Howard said they will hear JD stories like when he directed It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He said they have JD's job interview and so much more. Howard said they will have JDini on too. Gary said JD almost drowns is his favorite thing. Howard said JD went to Hedonism and he went down a water slide into water and he almost drown in 2 feet of water. JD said the water was in his face and he ended up under water and couldn't figure his way out. Howard said it's a lifetime of embarrassment.
Howard said it's going to be a jam packed week. Robin said there's a lot of material there. JD said it's enough to fill a whole week. Howard said they'll get to relive all of that next week. Gary said that video of JD almost drowning is the best video ever. JD said that he's seen it enough so don't tag him on Twitter.
Howard said he was reading Bob Lefsetz's column and he was saying that Facebook, Instagram and Twitter are over. He asked what's left. Gary said Snapchat. He said that other things are for old people and Snapchat is for the young people. Howard said he doesn't get it because so many people are still on all of those things. Howard said Facebook and Instagram were down for a half hour on Sunday and his wife almost lost her mind. He said Beth thinks that animals aren't being adopted if she can't post.
Howard said he's going to play clip one. He said they first met Alice in 1997. He said she would get into arguments with callers. He played some audio from those days when she would argue with people.
Howard said he used to call Alice ''Crazy'' and she got angry with him about that and called him ''Gay Howard.''
Howard said that Alice lives out in California and she lives in an apartment by herself. He said she has print outs of her favorite wrestlers and mobster's. He said she has two flags hanging and one is a confederate flag. Shuli said she keeps to her southern roots that way. She likes that black people don't like it. Howard said that she must not be bothered that it would have been bad for her back in the slave days.
Howard said Alice thinks that her father was in the Mafia. He played a clip of Alice talking about her sister taking some stuff away from her. Shuli said people fuck her over after swooping in and swooping out of her life. Howard asked if there's anything she likes. Shuli said everything hanging on her walls brings joy to her life.
Howard said Alice has tried to be less angry but it doesn't work. He played a clip of Shuli talking to her about trying to keep her anger down. Alice said it just builds up and it has to come out so she lets it out. Alice said she doesn't like being made fun of. She said people follow her around and she's not the only one doing things wrong so stop following her in stores. Howard said she hates blacks but she's black and people follow her because of that.
Howard said that Alice has always had a crush on Fred. He said he thinks that's absurd but whatever. He said Shuli asked her about that. Howard said she is not happy with the new studio where Fred is behind a wall. He said she does not like that. Howard played a clip of Alice complaining about that. She said she likes Fred like a brother. Shuli said she has framed pictures of Fred in her apartment. Howard asked Fred if he would have her blow him. Fred said he would not do that to her.
Howard said Shuli revealed the new book cover to Alice. Alice saw the picture and said Howard is a sexy little thing. She called him Gay Howard in that clip. She said she'll stop calling him that when he stops calling her Crazy.
Howard said they created a new phony phone call using Alice. He said she's a big Trump supporter and she likes to taunt black people with that. He said they had their Sarah Huckabee Sanders impersonator call and ask her to represent them. Howard played the call and Sarah called Alice to tell her Donald heard about her and they like that she's a big supporter. She said they're going to build that wall with her support. Sarah told her she could be their token black and Alice didn't like that. She said she has to put her in her place. Fake Sarah said she can help them get the Asian votes too. Alice told her to stop being ignorant. Alice eventually said she wants to rip off her face. Sarah said they can all her Angry Alfred the black transgender. Alice wasn't happy about that. They went to break after that.
Howard took a call from Balls who said he wanted to ask him about growing up and getting beat up how come he's not prejudiced. Howard said he's not sure. He said he should be based on how he grew up. Howard said white people beat him up just as much though so it's hard. He said it became an all out free for all for him. Robin said Howard is not an ordinary person. She said he doesn't blame people based on his personal experiences. Howard said he's highly evolved. Robin said he is.
Howard took a call from Apples who did the Hey Now thing with Howard for a minute. Robin said enough of that. Howard said she's like his wife asking him why he says that for 5 minutes. Howard asked Apples what's up.
Apples asked about going to the news in the middle of Fist Fest. He said he thought the fake Fist Fest guy sounds were great too. Howard said he's not sure what they're talking about. Robin said he just loved Fist Fest. Apples asked if he has seen Halle Berry's Instagram. Howard said he did see her in a bathing suit. Apples said she would like her work out videos. Apples said she's in John Wick 3. Robin said they're going to ruin John Wick with her. She said that she is not a good actress. Robin said she'll like a movie and then she shows up. She said she can't act. She said she just looks good. Robin said she got an award for letting them make her look ugly in a movie.
Howard said Halle is hot. He said he can't remember if she can act. He said that she was fine in Monster's Ball. JD said she's in those X-Men movies. Robin said she's horrible in those.
Gary said she's ridiculously hot. Howard said he has to work up a good boner. Gary showed Howard some pictures. Howard said she is hot. He asked how old she is. Fred said she's 52. Howard said she looks really good. He said she must be a pain in the ass though. He said she can't hold on to a man. He said that she's so hot and every guy heads for the hills. He said it's every fucking guy.
Howard said Halle isn't even with famous guys. Shuli said that's the kind of girl you dig in with. He said you don't let her go. Howard said that's unless she's a huge pain in the ass. Gary said that she said one guy hit her so hard that she can't hear from one ear. Gary said they can't say the guy's name because he'll sue if you do. Howard said that's pretty heavy. Fred said there are a couple of guys who punched her but they can't mention their names.
Gary said Ronnie said she might be bad in bed. Ronnie said maybe she's like a lox laying there. Howard said he bets he's right about that. Howard said when it comes to pussy Ronnie is an expert. Howard said there was a period of time when he was fucking super hot chicks. He said they were famous and some of them just laid there. He said you end up staying long because you don't care if they just lay there. He said if they're that famous and that hot you don't care. Howard said he walked out on them and look at his ugly ass.
Howard said a lot of these girls were shocked when he walked out on them. He said that's a good feeling to be able to do that. Howard said maybe Ronnie is right about Halle.
Robin said that there are other women who have had guys walk out on them. Robin said maybe other hot women are the same as Halle. Robin said now they have her defending Halle Berry. Howard thanked Apples for calling in.
Robin mentioned Charlize Theron being one of those women who might be hard to live with. Howard said she'll be in there in a week so they can ask her.
Gary said he thinks that Halle was good in Monster's Ball in the sex scenes. Ronnie said it's a fucking movie. Howard said if the woman just lays there you want to get the fuck out of there. Ronnie said he wants all kinds of things in a sexual relationship.
Howard said he can't talk to Robin about the Eddie Murphy thing. Howard said he was right about it but he can't bring it up with Robin.
Howard said they're running this thing about the Cher channel like crazy. Howard played a promo they have for the channel. Howard said he has to say something about Ronnie's girl Cher. He ended up talking about how she looks. Ronnie said she looks great. Howard said a whole channel of her music isn't something you can fill up. Ronnie said come on. He said she has tons of albums. Howard said it's a good half hour. Gary said there are probably 20 songs. Howard said they say she's in a lot of movies but they're not going to play them there. Howard replayed the promo and asked if Ronnie would fuck her. Ronnie said in a heart beat. Howard said he bets that they could get him back stage. Gary said he has tried that. He said he wanted to get him back stage or a birthday message but it didn't work. He said she was busy. Howard asked if it has to do with the show. Gary said he doesn't know. Howard said just tell her he's from another channel there.
Howard asked Ronnie what he would say to her. Ronnie said he'd just tell her he's a fan. He said he's not going to go gaga over her.
Howard asked what's so great about the Broadway show about Cher. Ronnie said it's just about her life. He said it's a good show and it was a great Christmas gift. He said he's going to see Cher on May 2nd. Shuli asked if he's going to get drunk to see her. Ronnie said he's not. Howard asked if he'll wear his cut off shirt and all of that. Ronnie said no. Fred did his Ronnie Puppet voice a coupe of times during that discussion.
Howard played the clip of the reporter talking about the car pulling into a gas station and the guy getting out. One of the anchors asked if it was the right vehicle. The reporter in the chopper said it was not.
Howard had another clip from another station where they did the same thing. They didn't even apologize for the mistake and just moved on after realizing their mistake.
Howard played another clip from a station that was also fooled by the wrong car. They were all following the same wrong car as the other channels.
Howard had one last clip of a station following that wrong car. Howard said the reporter describes the wrong clothes and still doesn't know it's the wrong person. In the clip they were describing the guy and then they realize they have the wrong car. The reporter in the chopper said they have to figure that out. The reporters said they may have gotten confused. Howard asked how you fuck that up.
Ronnie said she was dating a calculator named Pierre who tragically short circuited. Howard played that clop and the woman explained what she liked about the calculator. She liked his buttons.
Howard said these British guys do this kind of show and treat people with respect instead of calling them kooks. He said they wouldn't do the show if they thought they were going to get goofed on. Howard said these people admit to anything.
Ronnie said then this woman fell in love with Tetris. Ronnie said she says that she finds Tetris very attractive. Howard paled a clip of the woman talking about he Tetris cartridge from a Game Boy that she fell in love with. The women said she's in love with the game itself and the cartridge is a vessel presenting itself. She talked about how beautiful he is and how she finds him very attractive.
Howard asked if there are more clips. Ronnie said she says she's not jealous of people playing Tetris but she doesn't want anyone else dating Tetris. Howard played more of her talking about that.
Howard said he doesn't even understand this. Chris said this sounds kind of like soft swinging. Howard asked if she's hot. JD said he thinks she's Pakistani. He said she had a bit of a moustache. He said he didn't want to insult her but that's how she looked.
Howard saw a picture of the woman and said Robin needs to see that. Robin said ''Oh dear. She might not be right for Tetris.''
Howard asked if she talks about what she does with Tetris. Ronnie said he's not sure. Howard said he has a lot of questions after this. Ronnie said she sleeps with Tetris pillows and hard drives. He was laughing when he said that stuff. Richard said he loves when Ronnie goofs on someone.
Howard said this is exciting. Robin said she always enjoys it. Howard said they have more to get to after a break. Shuli said he has some Bobo stuff to get to. Robin said that's good stuff. Howard said they'll get to him next. They went to break after that.
Howard said he wrote a chapter about his mom and one of the interviews he did with her. He said that's where he asked her about anal. He said Beth suggested the picture he took of them. He said his mom doesn't know she's in the book but she wants a copy. He said he's not sure he wants them reading it. He said he doesn't care if she does but he's not sure. He said he told her May 14th.
Howard said he told his mother that he's doing book promotion and she asks where it is. He said it's not out yet so she can't see it. Howard said she was yelling at him that he was doing too much after that. He said she asked what he's doing and then she yells at him that he's doing too much. Howard said Beth sees it first hand now. She didn't believe him before.
Howard said Arnold Schwarzenegger is on the phone. He took the call from phony Arnold who asked him to remind him what the name of his new book is. Howard said it's called Howard Stern Comes Again. Arnold says when Howard comes he cums again too. Howard and Arnold went back and forth with the cum jokes for a minute.
Howard said he hung up on him because he knows he has stuff to do. Howard said his mother saw him in pain with his shoulder and she knew that he was doing too much. He said she asked why he's doing so much. She told him he already got the word out about the book. Howard said she's right in a way. He said he doesn't want to kill himself with this. He said now he's wondering why he's doing all of this promotion. He said he hears her voice in his head asking ''what for?'' He said he feels stupid doing it now.
Robin asked what is wrong with Howard's mind. Howard said now she's asked something interesting. Robin said he changes it whenever someone says something. Howard said it's just her. Robin said he should be doing what he wants to do. Robin asked how old he is now. Howard said he doesn't want to say. Robin said she's still getting to him. Howard said he's a 40 year old man. Fred played a clip of Howard's mom saying ''Hello'' a bunch of times.
Howard said he's fucked up, what is he going to do? He said his shrink got to him and helped him with his shoulder pain. He said he wishes he'd come to work with him. Robin said he has to know what those signals are. She said he's putting himself through too much. Howard said he's doing very limited book promotion. He said he's not going to go berserk.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's going to do Seth Meyers' show. Howard said he likes Seth but he had a whole plan but he cut it way back. He said he's not doing Seth's show. Robin said he said he pared it down to 170 things. Howard said he's doing Fallon, Colbert and that's it. He said he's not even going to do The View. He said he will do CBS Sunday Morning though. Gary said that's one of the best shows on TV. Howard said he knows. He said he watches it. Ronnie laughed. Robin asked what he's laughing at. Howard said he's still thinking about that Tetris woman.
Howard said they tell him that CBS Sunday Morning sells more books than anything. He said his friend told him not to do Rolling Stone and he wondered how he would know. Howard said he's been on the cover a bunch of times. He said this will be his fourth. He said he's loyal somewhat. He said they think he's wasting his time with that.
Howard said they tell him that Hollywood Reporter sells books too. He said he sat down with them. Gary said he reads it. Howard said it's become more of a mainstream publication since Janice Min took it over. He said he wanted to hire her. He said she doesn't know that but he wanted to hire her. He said she was in charge of some other magazines and turned it over. Jon said they have the buzz now with Hollywood Reporter. He said they get it out there. He said he's not sure how they know it sells books though. Howard said they tell him that it does.
Howard said his friend is an author and he tells him he sold a lot of books on his show. He said he doesn't need to sell books on other shows.
Howard said Benjy says he's making a mistake not doing The View. Howard asked what he knows. Gary said it might get people talking but he's not sure it sells books. Howard said he likes the people on the show. Benjy came in and Howard said he's in a new outfit.
Howard asked why Benjy thinks he should do that show. Benjy said he understands but if the goal is to sell the most books he should do it. Howard said he doesn't care that much. Benjy said The View will have a bigger splash than other shows. He said it will sell books. Gary asked how he knows. Benjy said it's Howard on the show. He said he's not other authors. Benjy said he likes to read books. He said he'd like to proof read Howard's book. Howard kicked him out after he asked to read it so he can find mistakes in it. They played him out with a ''Benjy Leave'' song parody.
Howard said wasn't funny is that he's not leaving. Benjy said he bets that he's in the book. Howard said he's not in it. Gary said at some point Howard will have mentioned something like ''all of his writers'' and Benjy will think that means he was in it. Howard said he's not betting him. He kicked Benjy out of the studio. Gary said 3 goodbye's means he should go.
Howard said he's not going to make it to Seth Meyers. He said these shows take up his whole day and he can't do it. Howard said he's not just some hot chick in an outfit. He said he has to prepare for the show. Richard asked if he has thought about going on Pat Robertson's show or something. Howard said that would be funny but they don't want him on. Howard did his Pat Robertson voice talking about how hysterical that would be. He said he's just not going to do 500 shows. He said he thought about going on every station he used to be on and he found out half of them are gone. He said he wanted to hit every radio market but then he'd end up being interviewed for his whole life. Richard said he'd like to see him confront Pat Robertson. Howard said he could confront anyone. He said Seth Meyers is a good guy. He said he likes when he does the news at his desk.
The caller asked if he has a schedule out. Howard said he doesn't have one public but he will eventually. He said he'll let everyone know.
Jon said he has a dad to talk about. He said this guy Tua Tagovailoa is a quarterback at a college and they did a story about his upbringing and his father, Galu, is a bit of a nightmare. He had Howard play a clip. Howard played the clip where Tua talked about his father making him turn into a lefty because his father was a lefty.
Howard asked why the father doesn't work so he doesn't have to do this to his son. Howard said this shit just sets him off. He said these parents who put all of this pressure on their kids drives him nuts. Gary said the dad may expect him to make big money for the family.
Jon said in the next clip they talk about the dad hitting him with a belt when he didn't throw correctly. Howard played the clip and they had Tua talking about how he'd ''get it'' if he didn't perform. He said the belt was involved and other things as well. He said if he didn't get good grades he had to deal with the consequences.
Howard asked if the dad played football too. Jon said he did but he didn't reach these levels. He said the grandfather would go to the games and would never smile no matter how successful they were. Howard said he's doing the same think to his son.
Howard played another clip of Tua's mom talking about her son. They had the dad talking about his son throwing a pick and how upsetting that was to him. Howard asked where they live. Jon said they came from Hawaii but they moved to Alabama so they could follow their son. Howard did an impression of the dad talking about getting something with a hard buckle to hit his son with. Howard had the guy throwing him in a volcano too. They had happy music playing behind the guy so Fred did that with Howard playing the part.
Howard said Brent was saying he thinks this interview coast him the Heisman trophy. Jon said he came in second. He said the guy who won was a good ball player as well. Howard did his impression of Galu and had him getting upset that his son didn't win the Heisman. Howard had the guy taking Tua and smashing a bee hive over his head. Howard said then he used his right hand and he cracked a coconut with his balls.
Howard said he hates dads. Robin said they're not all like this. Howard asked what Robin's dad did. Robin said he certainly didn't care about her career. Howard said he would take meat to her ass and take her to a lion's cage if he was her dad.
Howard said his dad was tough on him but nothing like this. Howard said that guy Andre Agassi had a really bad dad. Gary said he came in second in one game and his dad threw out the second place trophy. Gary said that dad had a daughter who ended up throwing up blood on the court and she never picked up a racquet again.
Howard was still doing his Galu impression talking about the awful things he could do to his son. Jon told Howard about Tua throwing a pass that was intercepted and ended up in a touchdown for the other team. He said you can imagine the father's reaction to that. He said that he has another clip to play. Howard played that and the dad was talking about how everything changed when Alabama called. He said they went big.
Howard did more of the Galu teaching his son discipline and respect thing. He had him shoving a conch shell up his ass and things like that. Howard said now he's a good boy because of him. Robin said one of these days he's going to revolt and that could be ugly.
Howard took a call from a father who was teaching his son how to play tennis and shoving the racquet up his ass. Howard said that kid is going to be really good. Howard thanked him for the call.
Jon said there's a younger brother too. He said he's enrolled at the same college. Fred had the happy music playing while Howard was talking about that.
Howard asked if he has more. Jon said there's another clip. He said one of the hosts of Game Day made a joke about his dad beating him with a belt. Howard played that and the guy said that his dad is like the Hawaiian version of Joe Jackson. Howard said how about have the whole team hit him with a belt. He said then he'll be really motivated.
Howard did more of his Galu impression talking about more wild stuff he could do. Howard took another call from the dad teaching his son tennis. He had him swallowing a tennis ball this time. He was still shoving that tennis racquet up his ass.
Howard said Shuli will have to wait on the Bobo stuff. Shuli said he can wait. Howard said it's JD Week all next week on Howard 101. He said that's all week long. Howard said Ronnie has that Cher channel to listen to today too. Shuli asked if Ronnie could talk up a song like Howard does. Ronnie said no way. Howard asked if he watched the Sonny and Cher show. Ronnie said he did. Gary said he was no kid back then. Ronnie said he was already getting married.
Howard said one thing about Jon is that he was talking about the Game of Thrones odds for betting. Jon said that the big one is who will end up on the throne at the end. Howard said there are people who know who could bet on it. Jon said there are. He said you can make smaller wagers on this stuff.
Jon gave Howard some odds on who could be on the iron throne. Jon said that Jon Snow is 2-1. He gave some other names like Bran. Howard asked what that kid is anyway. Robin said he's the three eyed raven. Howard didn't know that the crow actually had 3 eyes. He asked if they all knew that. Jon and Robin said they did. Howard said he had no idea. Gary said there's Bran, Braun and Briann. Jon was telling Howard who everyone was. Howard isn't able to follow all of this stuff. Ronnie asked why Howard watches this shit. Howard said he likes it. Howard said Ronnie would have liked it in the first seasons. He said he gets confused when there are too many characters though.
Jon went through more names from Game of Thrones and Howard had no idea who some of these people were even though he's been watching from the start.
Jon said there's betting on who will die first this season. He gave some names and Howard had no idea who some of them were. Howard said no one really knows their names. He said there's something wrong with this show. Richard said he downloaded a family tree to watch it. Jon said just watch the closed captions when the show is on. JD said he watched everything that way. Howard said he stared doing that because people mumble a lot. Jon said he has the captioning on with every show he watches. Gary said he doe that with all of the British shows.
Howard said the show SEAL Team is like that. He said there's a guy who mumbles through the whole show. He said some actors mumble instead of acting. He said it's some trick they do.
Richard said some of the shows have really loud explosions in the show so you have to turn it down.
Jon had more bets on who will kill Queen Cersei. He went through that quickly but Howard moved on to the news after that.
Robin had a clip of a woman talking about what people should do so they can document what you want before you're in a situation like this. Howard asked Robin why she told him when she was going through that. Robin said he did get a lot of calls. Robin said she would have asked if he waned to be the one to get the call. Howard said he gets it. He said Kathy gets to do it. Robin said she was doing him a favor. Howard said he'd keep her around no matter what. Robin had more clips of this woman talking about what people should do to let family know what they want.
Robin mentioned that Jim Henson was a Christian Scientist like she was talking about the other day. Howard said he kind of blew it when he didn't get treated. Robin said he wrote two letters long before he died. Robin said he may do this too. She said they weren't read until after his death. Robin said the first letter was to his children. Howard said maybe he should do that. Robin said he might want to. Robin said first of all don't feel bad that he's gone. That's what Jim Henson said. Robin read more of his letter and he said it will be an interesting time for him and he can't wait for them to come to the other side. Howard said he doesn't think his parents care enough to write him a letter. Howard did his mother and father's voices talking about him doing too much. Robin read more of Henson's letter and asked if Howard would write something like this. Howard was liking what he was hearing. Robin read the rest of Henson's letter. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he knows Howard intimately and he is very upset he's not the person for when the time comes. Howard said he doesn't want to be that person who pulls the plug on her. The caller said Howard has to be that person. Howard said it would be great on the air. He said they could wheel her in and pull it on the air. The caller said Howard cares about Robin and he has to be the one. Howard said they could do a 4 hour insta-poll about keeping Robin or pulling the plug. He said they could open the show to see if Robin has come back in some kind of miracle. Howard said she should have Lenny Dykstra as the one who decides. Howard said he'd love to have her in there on display after she passes away. Robin said they can do that as long as she's not being kept alive by all kinds of tubes.
Robin said a man had an agonizing finish at the Boston Marathon the other day. Robin said the guy ran out of gas in the last 100 yards. Robin said he can be seen crawling to the end. Howard said he saw that on social media and they made it seem like he was doing it to honor his friends in the military. Robin said he did the run for that but he ran out of steam at the end. Robin said he kept falling down but kept moving. Robin had some audio of some woman yelling encouragement to him. Howard said one of his daughters was up there with her boyfriend watching the marathon. He said she was observing the race. He said Beth ran the marathon one year. Robin said she was up there that year. She said they yelled at Beth as she ran by. Howard said she didn't look like she had any trouble doing that. Howard said she did it in 4:15 which as pretty impressive to him.
Robin read a story about Hoda Kotb adopting another child. Robin said Hoda is 54. Howard said good for her. Robin said she became a mother for the first time in her 50s. Robin had some audio of her talking about that on the Today show. Robin said she has another daughter and she just adopted another. Robin had more audio of Hoda talking about her heart growing like 10 times when she adopted.
Robin read a story about Mother's day coming up and how there's a commercial on Facebook. Robin said she's not sure what it's for but it says something about famous mothers starring in an ad for Facebook Portal. Robin had Howard play the clip of the commercial. Howard asked what this is. Robin said it's famous mothers talking about their kids contacting them on Mother's day.
Robin read a story about Facebook stopping their birthday reminders. Robin said some people were upset that they were being notified after their friends had passed away. Howard said get over it, it's a free service.
Robin read a story about the Apple store on 5th Ave having bedbugs. Robin said they say it has had them for over a month. Robin said they found one in the manager's office. The people working there were afraid they'd bring them home. Robin said they need to close down that store.
Robin read a story about John Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg has a crush on Kendall Jenner. Howard asked who wouldn't. He said she's hot.
Robin read a story about Beyonce doing a documentary. Robin had some clips from that for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about the college entry cheating scandal and how Lori Loughlin didn't show up with her husband to court but they did enter a not guilty plea. Robin said they're going to take it all the way through the courts. Robin said her defense is that she feels she was manipulated and misinformed by the con artist she was dealing with. Howard said that's not going to go over. Howard said she should blame that kid of her's. Howard said he's actually on Olivia Jade's side in this. He said she had a major business going and they fucked it up. Robin said Lori thinks that you shouldn't be punished if you think it wasn't a bad crime. Robin said that's not how it works. She said Felicity Huffman may have to do some jail time even though she's thrown herself on the mercy of the court. Howard said if he were Lori he'd wear a MAGA cap and ask for a pardon.
Robin read a story about the state attorney in Illinois calling Jussie Smollett a washed up actor who lied to the cops. Robin said she apparently interfered because she thought there were too many charges. Robin said that she compared this to R. Kelly who had less charges. Howard said that's not what she's supposed to do in her job. Robin said she hasn't watched Empire since all of that went down. Robin said she just can't give Jussie the support.
Robin read a story about the donations from around the world for rebuilding Notre Dame. Robin said it's reached over a billion dollars. Howard said the church has a ton of money. Robin said good luck getting any out of them. Robin said the 850 year old church has to be restored. Robin said the president of France has said they will rebuild within 5 years. Robin said they say since it was under renovation that the had removed many of the treasures that were in there.
Robin read a story about President Trump using his veto power again for a measure that called for support of the Saudi Arabian war in Yemen.
Robin read a story about the Robert Mueller report being released tomorrow morning. Robin said it will be redacted. Robin said the White House is going to have a rebuttal to the report. Robin wondered why they would do that if it exonerated the President.
Robin said this is weird but the FBI is searching for a Florida woman who has made threats toward some schools in the Denver area. Robin said she's infatuated with the columbine shootings and it's the 20th anniversary of those shootings this weekend. Robin said they are afraid that she's going to perpetrate another attack in the area.
Robin said President Trump drinks 10-12 cans of Diet Coke a day. She said Coke wants to change the formula but there are people who are addicted to it and they don't want it to change. Howard said they say that the stuff somehow tricks your body and you don't lose weight on it. Robin said they have to go out and get real sugar when you drink this stuff. Howard said it has the bitterest taste. Robin said they all have an aftertaste with the diet stuff. Howard said JD hasn't had a soda in 2 weeks and he lost 5 pounds already. JD said he drank regular soda. He said he had regular Coke. Howard asked if he's going through withdrawals. JD said he's okay. He said he's trying not to drink soda. Howard said he's with him on that. He said he's doing 100 push ups a day too. Robin asked when he started that. JD said about this time last year. Robin said she hasn't seen one muscle pop out yet. JD said he doesn't have much muscle. He said he has a little. Robin asked to see his arms. JD wasn't showing them. JD said Will was impressed with his push up technique the other day. Robin asked if he does them all at once. JD said he does 10 sets of 10 and has a minute or two in between. Robin said good for you.
Robin read a story about the earnings for Pepsi which is doing better than expected. Howard asked if JD is losing his hair. JD said he doesn't think so. Howard said his forehead is getting higher. Robin said maybe it is. JD said he doesn't think so. Robin asked what he'll do if he loses his hair. Howard said he'll have to fire him because he's not going to look at that. Howard said maybe he can get a Moe Howard hair piece. JD said maybe a Bobo hair piece.
Robin read a story about Pete Buttigieg getting an anti gay chant yelled at him at an event he was at yesterday. Robin thought she had a clip of that but it was just Pete talking about something. Howard said he saw a video of the guy playing piano with Ben folds Five. He said he speaks like 7 languages and he's a Rhodes Scholar too. He said this guy is a heavy hitter. He said he has a lot of good tricks. Howard said he likes the way the guy handles himself on TV. Robin said he seems to be ready for the people saying anti gay things. Howard said he knows 7 languages. He said that's great. He said a guy running for president like that he's really impressed with. He said this guy knows more than he does. He said the guy was playing guitar on another show. He said Bernie Sanders is freaking out and now playing drums for Imagine Dragons. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Today's show was over around 11:10am.
Today's show was over around 11:20am.