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Howard started the show talking about how today's show is going to be having Fist Fest which is something he's been sitting on for a couple of months now. He said they had Wolfie go to something called Fist Fest where men go and fist each other. Robin asked where they hold something like this. Howard said he has it in his special bin. He said it's a lot to take in. He said it's fascinating cut you might want to eat up quick. He said you have to accept all lifestyles. Robin said no she doesn't.
Howard said he's also going to play ''Is this racist'' today. He said they have some possible racism and Robin will help him with that. He said they have a lot to do today. He said they have some phony phone call action today too. He said they made a call to a plastic surgeon.
Howard said they have a segment about High Pitch Erik and his snoring. He said he did a broadcast where he fell asleep. He said he has distinctive snore sounds. Robin asked if he actually fell asleep during his own show. Howard said he did and he has done that himself at times.
Howard said they're going to talk about Michael Jackson cover songs too. He said he never did like Michael Jackson or the Jackson 5. He said it just wasn't his thing. Robin said they were cute little pop stars. Howard said he doesn't like that. He said he did like Marie Osmond though. He said she looks great after her weight loss. He thought she lost it on Weight Watchers but Robin said it was Nutrisystem. Howard said they spent all of that effort on that company and he doesn't remember who it was.
Howard said he used to watch the Osmonds just to see her. He said she looks like a hot Donnie. He said he always thought she was the sexiest thing. He said he read about her private life and you realize she didn't have the perfect life. He said he's so into that. Robin said that's shameful. She said they're suffering and Howard loves it. Howard said his mom had tons of problems. He said he spent his childhood trying to cheer her up. Robin said that he still wants them after that. Howard said damage to him is sexy. Robin said he's relating back to his mother. Howard said crazy in the head is crazy in the sack. Robin asked if his mother was like that. Howard said he knows it. He did his mother's voice saying ''Play with my titties.''
Howard said Donnie Osmond came on the show once and left there shaking. He revealed that he never asked for oral sex from his wife. He said he never asks Beth for that. He said he's not going to make her do that. He said he never really enjoyed it. He said two women were exceptional at it. He said they seemed to need it. He said they just loved it. He said it did feel pretty good too. He said that's a rare exception for him. He said many women use too much teeth. He said he just likes putting his penis in a ''vagine.'' He said it's just not that great getting oral. He said he likes the vagina. Robin said maybe if it was easier to get women he'd be into wilder stuff.
Howard said he was single for a year and he tried some wild stuff. He said he would tie up a woman and leave her in the room. He said then they're yearning for your penis. He saw that in a porno. He said the woman thought that was stupid and asked him to untie her. He said one time he got ice cream and put it on her nips. He said that didn't turn her on. He said he tied up Beth once and she wasn't into that.
Howard said he still can't believe how good it feels. He said he'll never get over that. Robin said look at what Brent is into. Howard said that's his thing.
Howard said that Fall Out Boy and John Mayer covered ''Beat It'' and its an awful song. He said they didn't do a bad job with it but it was just an annoying song. He said the song just annoys him. He said take that song and beat it. Robin said it already made its money so stop it.
Howard said Eddie Van Halen played the guitar solo in the original song. He said he didn't tell anyone that he did it. He said the famous story is that he didn't ask for any money. He said he could have gotten a point on that song. He said imagine what that would have been worth. He said he never got paid for it. He said he eventually told the guys in Van Halen that he did it and they thought it was kind of cool. Robin said it's a shame that these bands can't even talk to each other.
Howard said Alien Ant Farm covered ''Smooth Criminal'' which was another awful Michael Jackson song. He played some of that.
Howard said he kind of liked ''Man in the Mirror'' but Michael didn't write it. Howard played a cover of ''Man in the Mirror'' by James Morrison. Howard played a few seconds of that and said that's a horrible song too. He said it doesn't take much for him to boycott Michael Jackson.
Howard said Imogen Heap did a cover of Thriller. He said she sounds pretty good. He played some of that song. Howard said Imogen had a song called ''Hide and Seek.'' He said he doesn't know that. Fred started to tell him about her and Howard asked him to stop talking so much and find the song. Fred played the song and Howard didn't recognize it. He said he's never heard of it. Howard asked if she's hot. Fred said she's quirky looking.
Howard said she sounds like a robot. He said the song doesn't go anywhere. He said he's waiting for the emotion but it's not happening. Howard said it's going nowhere. He said the song blows. He had Fred turn it off. Howard said he did like her cover of Thriller though. He played that again. He said he didn't know that Michael didn't write that song. He said the zombies are crying in the video for this. He said he hated when he wore white socks with the penny loafers in that video.
Howard said he wonders what that military outfit was in that video. He said it's like stolen valor.
Howard said he's writing a movie where a guy gets disconnected from life support and this song is perfect for it. Robin sounded shocked by that statement. Howard said it's time to transition.
Howard played more of Imogen's cover of Thriller. He said she sounds like a dog howling. He did an impression of that part of the song. Fred played a woman doing a dog howling clip.
Robin said she was thinking about how he created this whole music career to get little boys. Howard said most guys do it for chicks. He said that he hated Michael before it was cool to hate him. Robin said she never bought a record of his.
The caller said Howard can do a list of things he hates. Howard said he already did that on the air. He said he has a tape of the things he hates that they strung together. He said he did that. Howard asked where that list is. Gary said they're looking for it. Howard said he hates when Gary tells him they're looking for it. Howard said he did it already. He said the caller already knew that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said this SiriusXM app is revolutionary. He said that they have so much stuff. Howard said they have a lot more coming. He said he has a small team back there working on it. He said if he had 50 more guys he'd have even more. Howard said the app is great. He said the app is free. He said when you have a subscription you get it free. Howard said they add to the music library every day. He said he goes through it. He said once in a while he pops on there and remembers stuff they did in there. He said they're adding more and more stuff every day.
Howard said the app is so good you can almost smell the shit in the room. He said Richard is just standing and staring at him with that big dumb look on his face after he shit his pants. He said the guy is in his 40s and bragging about how good he is at cleaning his asshole. He said he was giggling at it over the weekend.
Robin said the guys had to leave their office and they weren't able to work because of that. Robin said Howard was laughing so hard and Richard will do it again because of that. Howard said he's reinforcing bad behavior. Howard said they were wondering if H.R. should lecture him about it. He said he's torn because it's funny. He said Richard blamed his Dunkin' Donuts egg sandwich on that and he was back there this morning getting more.
Howard said this week he starts his book promotion. He said he's doing pre-something. He said the book comes out May 14th. He said that's the official date. Robin said it will be delivered on that day.
Howard found the clip of the things he hates. The guys took all of the things he hates and put it into one long clip. He played the audio and there were a lot of things he hates.
Howard said he agrees with his own hate list. He said he hates dreams. He said it woke him up last night. He said he never has a good one. He said he's never had a sexual dream. He said he's always jealous or having issues. He said he hates it. Robins said he makes everything so significant. Robin said she finds it interesting when she drives with her eyes closed in her dreams. She wondered if she's going to die. Howard said good for you.
Howard said he has a 2016 list to things he hates. He played another list of the things he said he hated in 2016. Howard said he still hates those things. He said he hates going to the movies. He said he hates Michael Jackson too.
Howard took a call from the guys who played Gary's list of things he would bring with him to a desert island. Howard let that play and Gary said he would bring Michael Jackson's Thriller to the island with him. Howard said Gary has such bad taste. Robin said you don't want Gary bringing music to that island. Howard said he would drown Gary if he was on an island with him. He asked what his third song is. Gary said he'd bring an Eminem album with him. Howard was getting annoyed with the audio book Gary clips and said he had to hang up on him.
Howard asked when Gary last listened to an Eminem album. Gary said he doesn't remember. Howard said that's a desert island disc? Gary said he liked the record a lot. Howard asked if he has 10 records he can bring would he really bring that. Gary said he would. Robin said she doesn't think these people would make his list now. Howard said all of the Led Zeppelin and Beatles albums there are and Gary is bringing Eminem. He said he's demanding a new list. Howard said he wouldn't take Eminem. He asked if he would take that over a Rolling Stones album. Gary said he would take Thriller. Howard said he has to be lying. Gary said he thinks it's not cool. Gary said that's how he felt at the time. Howard played an Eminem song and said he pictures Gary sitting there listening and coconuts are falling on his head while listening. Fred played some ''boing'' sound drops as the song was playing.
Howard asked Gary what albums he would take now. Gary said he doesn't know. Howard said he would take Jimi Hendrix over Eminem. Gary said he would take that over Eminem too. He said he must have fucked up his own list.
Howard took another audio book Gary call and he was talking about bringing a Sinatra album with him to the island. Howard asked if he would still do that. Gary said he would. Howard said he's not going to bring a show tunes album with him to an island. He said his mom made him listen to that stuff.
Howard let Audio Book Gary go again. He said that guy annoys him. He said he doesn't like that Audio Book Gary. Robin said that Gary reminds her of Apology Gary. They played a song parody about Gary after that.
Gary asked what version of him he actually likes. Howard said he lies the real Gary. He said it's the Gary who has plantain chips in his desk. He said he should take a break. He said he's all stressed out.
Howard said he called her after 2:30 yesterday. Robin said she was getting ready to go. Howard said he has to find the guy's name in his phone. He said maybe he's just talking to the guy. He said he doesn't have the photograph session scheduled. He wasn't able to find the guy's name.
Howard said he had to work out the elate night TV thing. He said it's all straightened out. He said he talked to Colbert and Fallon. He said he worked it all out. He said that they're such great guys. He said that he felt bad about everything. He said that they were both very understanding. He said they just knew what his situation is. He said that they were empathic with him. He said he's going to do both shows. He said both Colbert and Fallon were very easy going. He said Beth said she feels bad for Jimmy Kimmel because he's their friend. Howard said he just felt good about Fallon and Colbert and she's bringing up Kimmel. He said if he was there in NEW York he'd do his show too. He said he went up and painted a picture after that.
Howard said the book company wants him to do Colbert because they're the same company as Simon and Schuster. He said that they were pushing him to do Colbert. He said he loves both of those guys. He said that he wants to do Fallon and Colbert. He said he didn't want to burn Fallon. He said he worked out a schedule where he'll do both. He said the angst is that he has to do both of them. He said he's not sure what they're looking for. Robin said they're looking for him to be himself. Howard said that's what they're going to get.
Howard said he'll be promoting his book on all of these shows. He said you'll be getting a lot of him. Robin asked if he will be doing the morning shows. Howard said he will. He said they sent Kathie Lee flowers and she spent like 20 minutes talking about it. He said he can get the audio. Robin said she wants to hear it. Howard said she became home and her house was filled with a dozen red roses. She said she thought it could be from a dozen guys she knows and it turns out it was from Howard Stern. Howard said she was shocked.
Robin said Kathie Lee write him a letter when he was getting divorced. Howard said he yelled at her about that. Howard said he had to hand it to her for her career. He said she had 15 years with Regis and another 10 with Hoda. Robin said she watched them from time to time and they were good together. Howard said Regis said that his best 15 years were working with her. He said that was a dig at Kelly Ripa. Robin said it was a dig at all of the others.
Howard said he wants to interview Kelly about what happened with Regis. He said Regis invented that morning format. He said he wants to know what happened there. Gary said that she won't talk about it. He said he's tried to get her on the show and that's the one thing she won't talk about. Howard said he wants to know what Regis could have done to her. Howard said it might be weird if he was leaving and he didn't tell Robin he was. Robin said she wouldn't hold a grudge. Howard said he wants to know what happened there. He said there should be some recognition there for Regis. Robin said he goes on other shows. Howard said he sees him in his building. Gary said he still looks great. He said he still has his wits about him. Howard said that's true. He said he is still with it. He said he would love to know that story. He said they need Mueller to do an investigation. Robin said then they'll never hear the story.
Howard said Kathie Lee got her roses and they were the only flowers there. He said he got his assistant to find out where she lived. He said now she's moving because of it. He said that it made all of the newspapers that he sent flowers. Howard said he didn't know she was going to mention it on the air.
Howard played a clip of Kathie Lee talking about getting roses from someone and she had no idea who had sent them. She was thinking about who might have sent them to her. She said that it was Howard and Beth Stern who sent them. Howard said breaking news, Howard Stern isn't an asshole. Kathie Lee said Howard Stern hated her guts for 30 years but she prayed for him every day. She said it turned him around.
Howard said that all he had to do was send flowers to her. He said he should do that more. Robin said she's going to put some flower company on the stock exchange. Howard said he's going to take a break and get to all of that stuff he mentioned earlier.
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Howard said he has to go through some stuff. He said he called his friend Dr. Lou who he's known since childhood. He said they talked about their medical issues. He said they all talk about when they're going to stop working. Robin said she was on vacation with some friends and someone ask if she's retired. Howard said Lou is still working. He said you go through so much and have all of this knowledge so he's still at it. He said they were reviewing their lives and they've known each other since 4th grade. He said that Lou must be having fun. He said they are going to go to a deli and eat together. Robin wished Lou luck with that.
Howard said Beth said they haven't gone to diner with Robin in a long time. Howard said that's been about 17 years since Robin got the $800 bottles of wine. Robin said she'll pay this time. Howard said they'll do it. He said they have an idea.
Howard said the fans are split on the Andy Cohen and Chris Wilding date. He said some are blaming Chris for coming off badly. He read through some of those emails. People were asking for Chris to be kept off the air for a while. He said someone said they were screaming at their radio for Chris to shut the fuck up. Howard said someone said Chris was trying to rush things on the first date.
Howard said Mariann went on the Andy Cohen radio show and yelled at him for doing what he did trying to pressure Howard into doing his show. Howard had some audio of that. Howard said Mariann is so protective of him. He said that she just told him it's insulting to ask him to go on his show. He said she sounds like his mother in a way. He said his mother was like that. He said he speaks to his mother a lot. He said he checks in to see if they're sill breathing over there. He said his father is 96 now. He said he's not sure if they even know what's going on now. He said that they don't do anything so they can't die. He said they're not exposed to any germs. He said it's like they're immune.
Howard said his mother gets on the phone and asks how he's doing. He did his impression of her and had her asking where the book is. He said the book isn't coming out until May. He said he tells her that and she still asks about it. Howard said he gets paranoid about what he wrote about her in the book because he's afraid she won't like it. He said she'll get worried that he's doing too much. He said she's like Mariann in that way. He said he tries to stay positive though.
Howard said he can't tell his mother anything is going bad or she'll get upset. He said he'll tell her everything is going fine so he doesn't upset her. He said one time he told her Beth was staying out on Long Island and he was still in the city and she thought they were breaking up or something. He said he can't bring that up again. He said that he won't even tell her if she's out getting her nails done. Howard said she's always looking for something bad to happen. He said he has to be very careful. Howard did his impression of those phone calls with his mother. He was trying to save her the stress of knowing what's going on.
Howard said his mother tells him not to do too much or do too many shows. He said she likes it when he's on but she thinks he's going to hurt himself. He said he made the mistake of telling her he's going to Italy. He said that she wonders when he's going to go. He said he almost canceled the whole thing when he was thinking about it. He said he likes being home with the cats. He said Beth brought it up too. He said she's not a world traveler. Robin said every once in a while it's nice to see something new. Howard had his mother telling Robin that she got sick from doing all of that stuff she does. Howard had Ray telling Robin that she has this frantic energy and she wouldn't get deep rest and that made her sick. Robin said she never came to work exhausted. Ray told Robin that she ran herself down.
Howard was going on and on as his mother. He said he's going to kill himself. ray said that the key to a good long life is having no life at all. Howard had her saying that the number one cause of cancer is from carrying on. He said that Ben doesn't have cancer because he doesn't do anything. Howard did his impression of his dad along with his mother talking to Robin about her cancer. Ray said that Howard only does one thing a day. She said that they're completely sequestered.
Howard said he's getting depressed talking about that. He had to move on. He got back to the Mariann and Andy Cohen clip. Mariann was going off on Andy about what he did. She was yelling at Andy and Andy said that he would always take that chance of asking Howard to do his show. Mariann said she has to go because she's missing Robin's news.
Howard said he has to admit he liked that phone call. He had Mariann on the phone. Mariann said she finally hung up on someone. She said she had to get to Robin's news. Mariann said Andy knows that he's not into this stuff. Howard said she's wrong. He said Andy has been a good guy to the show. He said he's a good dude. He said he wasn't thinking of doing his TV show ''Watch What Happens Live'' but he may hop on here and do it if he has any energy left after the promotion. Mariann said don't do The View or any of those shows. Howard said she may be right about that. He said that he does want to reach people who they don't reach. Mariann said there are other venues. She said there are a lot of other shows that he can do other than The View. Howard said they have brought up those podcasts and he'll be doing some of them. He said he doesn't have a schedule yet.
Howard said he told them to book things for him to do on his days that he's available. He said he's not sure what those dates are yet. Mariann said that they're having a conversation today. Howard said they really are. Mariann said that they have to talk about Muffin the cat.
Howard took a call from Annmarie from Queens which is someone doing an impression of Mariann. The two were having a conversation in that screaming kind of thing Mariann does.
Howard let them go a short time later. He said it's like dueling dental drills. He said he has to take another break but he has a phony phone call they made that he has to play. He played a call where they had a stripper call a plastic surgeon about a problem she has with her pussy. She asked if it's normal to have a baby and have it looked like it got smacked with a deli sandwich and things like that. The doctor told her that's normal. She was asking for surgery and things she can do down there. She wanted a pocket to be added down there and things like that. She asked when she can fuck again and made the guy so uncomfortable that he eventually hung up. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard said he has all of these songs and he puts them on shuffle. He said all of the songs he has make him feel sad and fucked up. He said his creative juices flow when he listens to this stuff. He said Beth likes soft rock and she leaves when she hears this stuff. He said he doesn't want her to leave. Robin said she heard something Brent listens to the other day and wondered how anyone can listen to that. Robin said with this stuff there's something melodic about it.
Howard asked if Gary can put the playlist out there. He asked if they can put out a Pandora ''Howard's List'' for people. Howard asked Gary who he's calling. Gary said someone else has the list. Howard asked if it's Steve. Gary said no. Howard said if Robin heard this list... He said people are clamoring for it. He said it's the perfect list that he spent years cultivating.
Robin said some friends were talking about Gary and how he knows music. Howard said Gary has bad taste. Gary said there are 687 songs on Howard's list. Howard asked what they're going to do with that. Gary said he can print it and give it to him. Howard said make a Howard radio list channel. He said he'd listen to that.
Howard said Beth has the complete opposite taste in music that he does. He said she latched on to a new Rob Thomas song and she goes around singing it. He said that's so great because she has the worst voice ever. He said Robin is Mariah Carrey compared to Beth. He said that he loves it when she sings. He said she's walking around singing this ''One Less Day'' and she doesn't even know it. He said she's watched the video 500 times and sings it all day. Howard played some of the song and said Beth is talking so much about it he's getting kind of worried. Howard said it's not his thing but it's her thing. He said she wanted him to play it on his show. He said it's not a bad song but it's too upbeat. He said she knows every word of it. He said he wishes she'd come on the show and sing. He told Gary to call and ask if she'll come on the show to sing.
Howard said he gets very passionate about music. He said he's never seen Beth do that. He said that it's confusing to him because he thinks everyone should be into his playlist. Robin said he doesn't think personal taste accounts for anything. Howard said she's right. Howard said Gary being into Steely Dan doesn't make sense to him. Gary said that her phone is going right to voicemail. Howard said she's hiding. He said she's on that text thing as soon as that bell rings. He said she's probably out with Rob Thomas.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was flying to Europe last week and he took the app with him. He said he downloaded a bunch of interviews to listen to. He said his flight went by real quick. Howard asked how it only took 6 hours to get to Europe. The caller said he went to Paris. Howard said he has to take a 12 hour plane ride to get to Italy. He said maybe it's 8 or 9. He said now he doesn't want to go. He said he's bummed he's going now. Robin asked if they have to take a break. Howard said it shouldn't take 8 hours. Robin said it is pretty far away. Howard said he thought it was like an England kind of thing. He said he thought it was like 6 hours. Howard said Beth thought so too.
Howard said he's bummed out now. He said it's so long. The caller said he'll love it. He said he shouldn't be bummed. Howard said he's going to take the app with him.
Howard said he binge watched that show ''Hannah'' on Amazon. He said he liked that. He said it was pretty good. He said he watched all 8 episodes. He said that's on Amazon. Robin said there's a show called Tin Star that's good too. Howard said he doesn't like that. He said he didn't like the trailer. Robin said it's almost like Banshee. Howard said he doesn't like Tin Star. Robin said it's really good.
Howard let the caller go and said he's also watching ''The Act'' and he doesn't like this Hulu. He said they release the episodes once a week. He said he's ready to watch. Robin said she doesn't like that either. Howard said he doesn't think that's the way they should release shows.
Robin said on Netflix they have a screen that pops up that says the rate is going up in a few days. Howard said he doesn't like when they do that. He said he'll pay it. Robin said now it's up to like $17 a month. Howard said he doesn't like that.
Howard said Gary has his playlist now. Gary came in with the list and went over it with Howard. Gary asked who Mike Shinoda is. Howard said it's someone he must have heard and added it to his list. Howard asked Fred to play that. Fred said he's looking for it. He found it and played the song. Howard said he's surprised he added this song. He said it's annoying him right now. He said he must have been out of his mind when he added it. He said it must get good eventually. He said this is where it gets good.
Gary asked who Soho is and said the song is ''Hippie Chick.'' Howard said it must be good. Fred found that one and played it for them. Howard said this song isn't good and it must be a horrible mistake.
Gary mentioned a few other songs that are on the list. Howard said he's had enough of this. Howard asked if Beth ever got back to Gary. Gary said he texted her and never heard back. Howard said she must be hiding.
Howard said Lenny was on Good Looking Guy Radio. He played that bit for Robin. They asked Lenny how many women he's been with. Lenny said maybe 5,000. Lenny also gave some advice about how to avoid STDs.
Howard said he loves Good Looking Guy radio. Robin said she doesn't think that STD advice was very good. She said she hopes he's not really doing that.
Gary said he has Beth on line 16. He said that she's going to hang up if he wants her to sing. Howard picked up on Beth and said she just got news that one of their famous fosters passed away over night. Howard asked who it was. Beth said she's not sure she should say. She said it's up to the family to say. Howard said they have had like 1000 cats that they've fostered. Beth said it's not 1000 yet but it's close.
Howard said they spent all weekend with Muffin who is a feral cat. Beth said she just gave her antibiotics by putting it into her food. Howard said that's a good idea. He said that this is going to make Beth nuts. He said there's so much that she has to deal with.
Howard said he thinks that Rob Thomas song is going to cheer her up. Beth said that nothing is going to cheer her up today. Howard said he thinks she has a great voice. He said she has to sing. Beth said she's not going to get tricked into singing. Howard said he thinks she should. Beth said they were having dinner with Jon and Dorothea and Howard wanted her to sing. She said she sang and she cried because she was so embarrassed. Howard said she wouldn't do it. Beth said you can't do that to her. Howard said she loves that song so much that she even has a choreography that she does when she's singing.
Howard said you have to hear her sing. He asked Beth to sing. Beth said she loves the song but she won't sing. She told him to stop it. Howard said please just recite the lyrics. Beth said that she's not going to do it and he's embarrassing her. She said he did that to her the other night at dinner. Howard said it's so fun. Beth said she's just really sad right now. She said she has to do her rounds right now. Howard said that means she has to go around and clean the litter boxes and administer the medication. Howard said you have to hear her sing.
Howard said he has to move on to Fist Fest. Fred said they should break before that. He said it can get intensive. Robin asked where this took place. Howard said it's so hard core he almost threw up twice. He said it starts out okay but by the 5th clip she won't be able to handle it. Howard said he defies you to stay tuned in this next segment. He said he will take you for a ride where he thinks you will turn off your radio. He said they won't have one person listening to them. He said they'll all be listening to Andy Cohen or Lithium. He said that he was conflicted about playing this clip. He said he was laughing at it this morning though. He said by the sixth clip he was done. He said he has 15 and he will play all 15. Robin asked if she can leave. Howard said she won't be able to handle it. He had a Fist Fest song parody to play. He played that before going to break.
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Howard said enough with the songs. He said he can't stay on topic. He said it drained the life out of him when they were at WNBC and they made him play music. He said it bad songs could have a really bad effect on you. He said they'd go into a Carpenters song or something after something funny. Fred played one of those bad songs from back then. Howard said that's the kind of thing they'd play. He said then Pig Virus would tell him that Imus talks up songs. He didn't care. He said they would do something kind of Counter Culture and then they had to play Laura Branigan's ''Gloria.'' Fred played the song and Howard talked it up. He said they'd put sound effects in the middle of the song and almost got fired for that. Howard said they got yelled at constantly there. Howard said everything he got yelled at about was hilarious. He said he's bumming out from all of this.
Howard said he would do something and then Imus would do the same thing a week later and he was considered the genius. Howard said there was so much nonsense along the road. He said they've been through so much. Robin said no one bothers them anymore.
Howard had Wolfie on the phone and said he guarantees that people will tune out. He said that he only lasted through 6 clips. He said Wolfie hung in there through the whole thing even when the room was smelling. He said that they will send Wolfie off to places like this. He said this took place in Augusta, Georgia. He said that's where they have the Masters.
Howard said they'll see how much they can get through. He said a lot of people have weird sexual preferences. He said he likes mom and baby sitter porn. He said he did it last night. He said he watched some TV and some porn. He said he was laying in bed and watched some step dad fucking his step daughter while the mom was making a cake for her birthday. He said he's just point out that he's not so normal. He said the mom was going to make a cake and told the dad to distract the step daughter. He said the daughter doesn't put on a bra under her shirt. He said the dad is watching her dress. He said the daughter knew what he was doing and she grabs his cock through his pants. He said they go down to see if the mom is busy. He said she's completely consumed with making the cake. He said right in the doorway the girl takes out his cock and blows him. He said he stopped beating off to it because it was too unbelievable. He said this girl is pretty hot and there's moaning going on that the mother would have heard. He said she's like 2 feet away.
Howard said he had to bail on that clip and watch another. He said that was just too unbelievable. He said he refused to beat off to it. He said his point was that we all have our weird sexual preferences. Howard said Robin has her thing too. He asked what Fred beats off to. Fred said just regular porn. He said he doesn't have a particular category. He said anything that looks interesting to him he'll beat off to. Howard said he goes on YouPorn and you just arrow over something and you can see what the girls are up to. Fred said he has limited time in his apartment. He said it's not a big place. He said he has to make his moment. Howard asked if he has ever done it watching it on his phone. Fred said he watches on his iPad. He said you can slink off to the bathroom and not get caught.
Howard said he has a room that no one can get into. Howard asked Fred who he's into. Fred said the women are 30-50 years old. Howard asked if he beats off to 50 year olds. Fred said he's not sure how old they are. Howard said some of the moms come in to teach the daughter and the mom was hot at one time but now she's a big mess. He said he has to get out of those. He said he just wants the women to cover up. He said they're too old for this.
Howard said he can't believe Fred is into 50 year olds. Fred said they have to be attractive. Fred said they may sneak in there. He said it's more like wife mature. Howard said he wants to see what he beats off to. Fred said he'll make a list like Gary has.
Howard said his point is that everyone is up to something. He said this Fist Fest is about guys who like to have fists up their ass. Howard asked how many people were there. Wolfie said that there were at least 200 there. Howard said you're going to tune out after hearing some of this.
Howard said they spoke to a psychologist about this and they said some people just like the idea of being spread wide open. Howard said there was one guy who likes to have a full arm up his ass. Robin asked what you do the rest of the year when this Fist Fest isn't going on. Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard said this Fist Fest took place in an old building that smelled like man ass and body odor. Wolfie said the ages ranged from 17 to 70s. He said that it was all over the place. He said the old guys teach the young ones how to do it.
Howard said that Wolfie said there was a lube pump there. Wolfie said it was like a Costco sized pump like you'd have with hand sanitizer.
Howard said this guy was named FistedButt and he gave an overview of what this was all about. Howard played a clip of this guy talking about his nickname and then about what fisting is. He said it's gay anal fisting and he's there just to have fun. Howard said he has to look up FistedButt on Twitter. Robin asked if there are other events. Howard said apparently so. Howard asked how many others there are. Wolfie said there are three that this company runs. Howard asked how they found this one. Wolfie said they were looking for interesting events to attend and this one came up. Howard said Wolfie asked about the smell of urine in the room. Howard played a clip of FistedButt talking about how sometimes it just leaks out when you lose control. Howard said wow.
Howard said they're still tuned in for now. Robin said they're just learning about what this is all about. Howard said FistedButt prefers a loose asshole to a tight one. He played another clip where FistedButt talked about how you can do more with a loose one. He said you can jerk off and get your dick and hand in there. Howard said this is for real too. Wolfie said this is 100 percent legit. Howard said this guy likes an asshole he can get into.
Howard said another attendee known as PhilAHole talked about being punch fucked. Howard played a clip of that guy talking about getting fisted and punch fucked. Howard said now they have clip 5 coming up and this guy is mimicking what fisting sounds like. Howard played the clip and the guy made the sounds. Howard said this guy is like the Michael Winslow of fisting.
Howard played a another clip of a guy talking about having pool balls in his ass. He said he had a guy who put smooth river rocks inside of him and he'd pull them out one by one. He had a wine bottle up there right up to the neck too.
Howard played another clip of a guy talking about how far up the ass a guy's arm can go. The guy said that they can go so far up they can feel his heart beating. He said he's had guys put their hand in so far his peck will start moving. Howard said this is where he topped playing the audio.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's on her way to work and she's going to vomit listening to this. She said this can't be true. Howard said it is and Wolfie saw it. He said they're getting to this. The woman asked how an arm can go that far into an asshole. Howard said just listen to this next clip.
Howard said the caller will be gone after this one. He said this guy calls him HungryFF and he takes a fist very deep. Howard played a clip where he said he can take it shoulder deep and he has about 10 inches of ass meat that falls out when he gets fisted. He said that it's prolapsed rectum. He said the guys will play with it and eat it and deep throat it. Howard said it's like pork belly. Howard asked how you get it back in there. He said it sounds awful. Robin wondered how they take a bowel movement. Howard said the ass meat must fall out.
Howard had the caller back on the line asking if she was still listening. She said she is and they must wear a diaper.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he listens like once a day when he has off. He said that he drinks first thing in the morning. He said he's grossed out by this. Howard said that's a weird time to drink. Howard asked if he's driving the kids to school like that. The caller said the kids are home schooled. He said the wife is half Mexican and they don't speak Spanish so they're just home schooling them instead of sending them to public school. Howard said that was more than he wanted to hear. He said home schooling sounds like torture. He said the guy has one day off a week and he gets loaded.
Howard took another call from a guy who said the ass meat has to be intestine coming out. Robin said it's the large intestine that's coming out. She said it's getting stretched out and it falls out from it getting so stretched out. Wolfie asked how he has the ability to pull it out and stuff it back in. Robin said he must use his hand. Howard said this is where he bailed on this. He said he wants to puke. He said it's the most hard core thing he's ever heard.
Howard took a call from Apples who asked him to please stop. Howard said it's going to get worse. Apples started making dry heaving noises. He asked him to not play more. Howard said it's going to get worse.
Howard said he's moving on to the next clip. He said this guy talked about a sexual experience he had and it could be considered a crime. Howard played the clip and the guy said he was fisted by 5 guys while he was in a gas mask where he had his legs up. He said they put a baseball bat in his ass and things like that. Howard said this sounds like something from the movie Saw. He said it sounds like he can deal with a lot.
Howard said they have a montage of the biggest fisting moments for guys. They had a guy talking about getting triple fisted. they had another guy who has taken 6 pool balls in his ass. There was another one where the guy said a guy had a TV remote in his ass and he was able to change the channel.
Howard said a couple of the guys let Wolfie record the sound of their fisting. Howard said Wolfie said the room smelled like plastic and lube along with the man ass. Howard said they had taken poppers to relax their anus. Howard said this is the audio that Wolfie recoded. He had a clip of a guy describing what was going on while moans could be heard. The guy's arm was up to the bicep. Howard said the radio hall of fame just called and said they want him out. Fred played the theme from Dexter.
Robin asked what happened to them as children. Howard wondered that too. Wolfie said it looked like a farmer birthing a calf. He said the guy's arm disappeared. He said it was so intense. Howard said a dick isn't going to satisfy this guy. Wolfie said the smell in that room made him want to pass out. He said the poppers are something that they inhale. He said it relaxes their asshole. Howard said he bought Fred one of those for Valentine's day.
Howard took a call from a woman who said this is very vile and disgusting but she's still there. The caller said it's impossible for an arm to go in there and not cause other damage. She said they're not going to live very much longer. Robin said maybe they're happy about that. She said they may not want to live very long. The caller said the guy who said he could feel it in his peck had to have had it all the way up to his diaphragm. Howard said this is the most intense thing he's ever heard. The caller said the smell must have been horrible.
Howard asked Wolfie if he saw the arm come out covered in doody. Wolfie said he didn't stick around to see that. Robin asked if he found out what these people did for a living. Wolfie said it's like anything else, they're lawyers and doctors and things like that.
Howard said Wolfie got so sick from the smell that he had to bail. Howard said this is a clip of Wolfie baling out on his job. Wolfie said he had to get out. Howard played the clip and Wolfie said he had to bail out on this whole thing. He asked what they were seeing. This guy was talking about seeing the ass meat coming out of this guy's asshole. Wolfie said he had to head out.
Howard asked what that looked like. Wolfie said it looked like a sack of meat. He said that guy wants to come up and show it to Howard. Howard said Fred wants him to book that so badly. Howard said he's not sure he could handle that.
Howard asked if both hands were up in this guy's asshole. Wolfie said it wasn't just hands. He said it was arms. He said it was one arm gone and the other up to the wrist. Howard asked how that's possible. Robin said the human body is amazing. Howard said maybe too amazing. He said that's horrible. Wolfie said they need some limits. Howard said Gary is out there fisting Jon Hein before the Wrap Up Show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he will never forgive him for this. He said that he never knew about this until now. He said he's been listening for 30 years.
Howard took a call from a woman who said this is horrible and she has to cancel her subscription. She said she's never heard of ass meat.
Gary said one of the guys says he takes his ass meat and wraps it around a guy's dick and the guy fucks it. Howard said he wants to hear that clip. Howard said maybe he took that out of there. He said he may have taken out a few clips because of that. He said he didn't think anyone would be left listening.
Howard said he was gagging listening to these clips so he took some of them out. He said Wolfie is disgusting just by association.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is disgusting and he has to give it to Wolfie for getting through it. Wolfie said Sirius stock is up by six points today. Howard asked if it's over $6. Wolfie said it's at $5.95. Howard said that fucking stock. He said the company is making money so it should be more. Howard said he has so much of that shit.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the moaning in the background is classic. Howard said the guys said Wolfie did good by hanging in there as long as he did. He said he's had nightmares after that. Wolfie said it was really stressful when he had to get out. Howard said Wolfie said the ass meat looked like Gary's lips. Wolfie laughed. Howard said he's just kidding. Robin said the inside of your lip is a mucus membrane so the ass meat probably looks like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is excellent radio. Howard said he thought he would have tune doubt by now. the caller said he can't tune out. Robin said it's like a train wreck.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she demands that Howard pay for therapy for her after this. Robin wondered if there are people listening who are finding out about something they'd be into.
Howard took a call from a guy who said many years from now this will go down as one of the biggest moments on radio.
Gary said they found the clip. Howard said this is a guy who wraps a cock in his ass meat and the guy fucks it. Howard played the clip and Wolfie asked the guy what he does to the ''rose bud'' when it comes out. The guy talked about how he likes to fuck that ass meat after wrapping it around his dick. Howard said that's hard core.
Howard said he's going to pray to Jesus for making him kind of normal. He said he just got a note that said Kathie Lee burned the roses he sent her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is fucking out-fucking-rageous. He said that it's great radio. He said people stuffing their arms up people's asses is funny.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to turn off the radio. He said he's driving to New York and he has to turn it off. Howard said everyone else seems to think it's great. The caller said when he sees a prolapsed anus in porn he has to turn it off.
Howard asked Wolfie when he turned this in. Wolfie said it was last April. Howard said this tape is a year old. He said this is how long he put it off.
Howard said he'd like to hear Ronnie's opinion on this. He said it might be too hard core for even Ronnie. Ronnie came in and said how can you help but listen to it. Howard said Ronnie likes something up his ass. Ronnie said it's not going to be some dude's fist. He said he was watching a porn where this girl had her arm up another girl's ass. He said that he didn't jerk off to that. He said they have porn clips on Twitter. Howard said he never sees that. Ronnie said he must have people who follow him and it ends up on his home page. He said he was watching some this morning. Ronnie said this girl had her arm up a girl's ass. He said she started with 3 fingers and she somehow spread her ass open and then she had her arm up to her elbow in her ass. He said it was this thin girl too. Howard asked if he got a boner. Ronnie said no, it was weird.
Gary said last year Ronnie talked about a thing he watched where a girl was eating cereal out of another girl's asshole. Ronnie said he told Howard about that.
Howard had fake Jim Meyer on the phone talking about how he loves this stuff. Howard said he thought he was going to hate it.
Howard asked if Ronnie would ever let Stephanie put her fist up his ass. Ronnie said no way. He said just a finger.
Howard asked if he has any other clips. Gary said there is one called piss enema. Howard asked Wolfie what this is about. Wolfie wasn't even sure. Howard played the clip and the guy was talking about getting into a guy's ass and jerking off. He said he might have to piss and he'll piss in there and then the guy will spray the piss out of his ass.
Howard said ''Wow'' a couple of times. Ronnie said he knew this Wolfie was a fucking weirdo. He asked who would even think about going to this shit. Howard said he scours the internet looking for this stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves the clips. He said he doesn't like the man fisting stuff but he likes to fist his wife. Howard asked if he has ever had ass meat from his wife. The caller said he hasn't. He said he's still working on the fisting thing with his wife. Howard said it sounds like he's doing soft fisting.
Howard said he has to hand it to the audience for staying tuned. Ronnie said he was laughing his ass off out there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been trying to get his wife to listen to the show for about 3 years. He said she tuned in on her long drive to work this morning and she won't be listening anymore.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she and her husband have been listening to him since they were teenagers. She said that they were grinning from ear to ear. She said they loved every minute of this. She said he hasn't shocked them like this for years. She said it was perfect. Howard said Wolfie has to scour the internet for more weird stuff.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Erik and asked if he would allow Donnie Wahlberg to fist him. Erik said absolutely. Howard said he can go up his asshole with his fist. Erik said yes. Howard asked if that's gay. Erik said not with Donnie. Erik asked Wolfie if this was the worst thing he ever did or the wing bowl. Wolfie said this was the worst. Howard said he had to walk out from the smell from this. Wolfie said the guys were naked in the room and it felt like being on the set of a porno.
Howard said tomorrow he'll play the High Pitch Erik snoring thing and talk about him being in $1,500 seats at the Yankee game. Howard said that's a teaser for tomorrow.
Howard said he has to get to news but he has King of All Blacks on the pone. King said this was the worst and the best. He said he learned that the white man is fucking crazy. Howard asked if there were any black men there. Wolfie said there was at least one. Howard said evidently black men are into it too. King said they've been around white people then. Howard said he thinks they only did it because they were hanging around white people. King said they're like Lenny Kravitz types. Howard hung up on him and thanked Wolfie for going to Fist Fest. He played the Fist Fest song as they were wrapping up.
Robin asked if Howard is into the royal baby watch. Howard said not at all. He said he doesn't care. Robin said a lot of people are interested. Robin said Megan Markle is still not talking to her dad. Howard said he loves that part. Robin said they say the royal
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had to stop listening to the Fist Fest stuff but then he tuned back in to see what he was missing. He said he once found a locked chest in the garbage and when he opened it the thing was full of dildos and pictures of guys fisting. Howard asked if the guy has ever found anything good in the garbage. The guy said he has found money and things like that. Howard asked how carefully he goes through the garbage. The guy said he'll just see something and grab it. He said he doesn't dig through it. Howard asked what the grossest thing is he's ever found. The guy said that it was used dildos. He said they're covered in shit. Howard let him go a short time later.
Robin read a story about how they have something called a CBD baby shower now. Robin said the CBD helps with pain and discomfort. Robin said Kim Kardashian has these baby showers. Howard said they can stop the charade about this stuff being healing once it's all legal around the country. Robin said they say that this oil doesn't get you high but it lessens the stress. Robin said Kim Kardashian is the one who is stressed even though it's the other woman having the baby.
Robin read a story about the Country Music Awards. She said she knows Howard doesn't care about that. Howard said that's right. He said he cares if certain women are wearing something he's into but he usually can't stand what's going on there. Robin had some details for Howard anyway. She had some clips for him to play too. Robin had a Luke Bryan clip and Howard said that guy is horrible. He said he loves that he's judging kids on their talent. Howard did an impression of Luke sounding like a dummy. He said that guy should be ashamed of himself. Howard did a live commercial read after that. He said that commercial drained him.
Robin had more about the Country Music Awards. Howard spent more time goofing on Luke Bryan and talking about how he knows they're getting him cheap on American Idol. Howard was goofing on the song ''Knockin' Boots'' and how lame that is. Robin said he's had a couple of hit records. Howard said he doesn't like saying ''Knockin' boots'' on an album. Howard said how about calling it ''Pounding Holes.'' He said that's hard core.
Robin read a story about the Spice Girls tour being in jeopardy. Robin said Geri Halliwell is upset with Mel B talking about how they had sex. Howard said it was probably nothing. He said that Mel probably went down on her and gave her a couple of licks. Robin said they're saying that this could stop the tour from going bigger. Howard asked if it's that embarrassing. Robin said Mel did say that Geri is a married woman and she doesn't like things like this to be talked about anymore. Howard had fake Mel and Geri on the phone to talk about that. Fred played some Spice Girls music for Howard after that.
Robin read a story about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez being criticized for using a black accent while talking to a black audience. Howard said he used to do that so he can't criticize her for that. He said he wanted to be accepted by his peers. Robin said the biggest offender for this is Hillary Clinton. Howard said that's right. He said she had hot sauce with her on one show she went on. Robin said she would go to the black churches and says ''I ain't no ways tired.'' Robin had some audio of Alexandria for Howard to play. Howard said don't make him sit through this. He said he had to turn this off because he was embarrassed for her. He played the clip of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez doing the black accent. Howard said she's doing a Al Sharpton kind of thing. Robin asked if that was inappropriate or just above the line. Howard said inappropriate. He said she got carried away. Robin asked why you have to change the way you speak when you're in a different community. Robin said you sound the same all the time and then change it for this. Howard had fake Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the phone to talk about that. She was doing that accent on the phone. Howard asked if Fred thinks she's pretty. Fred said yes. Howard said sometimes she is and sometimes she's not. He said he likes the video of her dancing in college. He said he thinks she's attractive. Robin said she is. Howard said he's just trying to figure out how attractive. Robin said she's a congress 10. Fred said she's a congress 100. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he has Beto O'Rourke on the phone and he has gone to speaking in clicks to match Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Howard had him do some clicks for them.
Robin read a story about this book that's coming out about The View. Robin said they talk about the original group which included Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Robin had some audio of her walking off the show in 2006. Howard said they keep the microphones on and she got upset and walked off. Robin said she was upset with Barbara Walters over the way she was treating her on air. Howard said Elisabeth is saying she wants to quit the show. Elisabeth was complaining to Joy Behar back stage. She said she's not going back out there and she was cursing and saying she never curses. Howard said he loves how angry she is. He said that's fucking hot. Robin said producer Bill Getty calmed her down. Howard said he likes how he calmed her down saying she's a professional and she has to get back out there. Howard said he's a ring master. He said this guy knows how to deal with her. He said he has to learn from this. He said she's so hot that she threw away her cards. He said each host has one question written down for the guest. Howard said that guy Bill Getty got her right back out there. Howard said they have to get Barbara Walters back on that show. Robin said she has also seen headlines that said Rosie O'Donnell was treated poorly by Whoopi. Howard said he'll get to the bottom of that when he goes on the show.
Robin asked if Howard knows anything about March Madness. Howard said he knows zero. Robin said the final is tonight. Howard said it's not even March anymore. Robin said it spilled over into April. Robin told Howard that people were celebrating by turning over cars and setting fire to them because Texas Tech got into the finals. Robin said the college is upset about that. Robin said you don't think of college students rampaging through the streets over that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about President Trump's tax returns and how they're demanding to see them again. Howard said he keeps saying that he's under audit. Robin said the acting chief of staff is saying that they will never see them. Howard said he heard they can subpoena them. Robin said they're saying that the Democrats are using the IRS as a political tool. Robin had some clips for Howard to play about that.
Robin read a story about the Mueller report and how they're still wondering if anyone will ever see the full report. Howard said congress should be able to see it. He said he thought they had more power. Howard said we should see it. He asked what's so secret. Robin said that the current Attorney General we can't handle any of it. Robin said Rudy Giuliani is saying that the house judiciary committee should be able to see it. Robin had some audio of him talking about that.
Robin said Trump took a trip to the southern border and took along the Homeland Security head and once he saw what was going on there he demanded her resignation. Robin said she thought she was going to just show him what was going on and she ended up losing her job.
Robin read a story about the president speaking to the Jewish community this weekend. Robin said Israel is having a vote today. Robin said Trump called him ''your prime minister'' to a Jewish-American crowd. Robin had some audio of Trump saying that. Robin said some people are very upset about that.
Robin read a story about Howard going on vacation but there is a lot of news coming out of Africa. Howard said he would never go there. He asked how long it would take to get there. Gary said someone here went and the first leg was 6 hours and the second was 11 hours. Howard said that's never going to happen.
Robin read a story about a rhino poacher who died after being crushed by an elephant and then his remains were eaten by a tiger. Howard said good. Robin said the surviving poachers said his skull and pants were the only things recovered so far. Howard said they should make a Pixar movie out of that.
Robin read a story about a couple that is missing after they went to the Dominican Republic. Robin said they checked out of their hotel but never made it back to the U.S.
Robin read a story about a woman and her safari guide being kidnapped in Uganda. Robin said they were rescued though. Robin read some more details about the kidnapping.
Robin read a story about R. Kelly making some money by making an appearance at a club. Howard said good for him. Robin said he had some video on his Instagram page. Howard said that guy doesn't care about his tour. Robin had some audio of Kelly talking about the appearance.
Robin read a story about the Rolling Stones releasing a new video of a performance from 1998. Robin said Mick is also recovering from his heart valve replacement surgery. Robin also read about how Queen is going out on tour next year.
Robin read a story about the jury being picked for a trial for a guy who was accused of human trafficking.
Robin read a story about Shazam making $153 million at the box office this weekend. Robin said they say the new Avengers movie will probably break its own record for the opening weekend. She said it's on track to break $300 million. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show taking a call from a guy who said yesterday's show was something. He said he hasn't heard anything like that in 25 years. Howard said he must be referring to Fist Fest. The caller asked if Beth heard it and had any comments. Howard said she was sad about a cat that died. He said she didn't hear it. He said he has to take umbrage with the audience. He said a lot of people wrote in and said they stayed tuned in. He said he thought that it was going to scare people off. He said he's trying to get people to turn off their radios.
Howard said he has to say that a lot of people are carrying on about Fist Fest. He said people wrote in to say they were listening to the show and turned it off for the first time ever. Howard read an email where the guy said he ripped off his headphones. Howard said there's no way that happened. He said that it was hard core but it was hardly the most outrageous thing. He said they've been to the Juggalos gathering and the Bikers and Bears thing. He said Robin even took the rectal temperatures of Richard and Sal. He said they had mother/daughter It's Just Wrong. Robin said they had Grand dad and Grand child It's Just Wrong and Cockyoke. Howard said Richard just shit his pants there. Robin said that was just the other day.
Howard said when you say you turned your radio off he knows you're not telling the truth. Howard said Gary got shot in the eye with female jizzum. Gary said this guy was using a power tool to get a woman off when she squirted in his eye. Howard said his point is that yesterday did hit a high level of disgusting but this level of abhorrent behavior has been on the show before.
Howard said someone wrote in saying they had to turn it off after listening to the show since 1985. Howard said someone had he was vomiting out his car window after hearing about ass meat. He said there you go.
Robin said the guy ripping off the headphones is like a Katy Perry reaction. She said there is no camera on you. Howard said the phones were overwhelmed with complaints. He said a lot of people were calling the Wrap Up Show about it and saying this is the first time they've crossed the line.
Robin said she has decided that fisting is wrong after all of that. She said that people go to the hospital and say they don't know how they got injured back there.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that they gave out that one guy's Twitter handle and she went to see it. She said it was like FistedButt. She said she saw what he posts in video. She said they were foul. Howard said he thought you can't show that stuff on Instagram but on Twitter you can. The caller said he was showing all kinds of graphic stuff. Howard said they say there's a pool ball video on there. He said he's a big snooker fan so he'll have to check it out.
Howard thanked the caller and moved on to another call. The caller said it was disguising yesterday but they had to put it on. He said there are people into these fetishes and people have to know that it exists. He said if it's too disgusting then just turn it off. The caller said he's a physician and there is nothing good about this. He said that it has to be causing injury. He said shoving a whole arm in there has to cause something. Howard said he's shining a light on the dark corners of the human condition.
Howard said his favorite part of the audio was when Wolfie was in the room and they were getting the play by play and they heard the guy moaning. He said someone told the guy not to destroy him and save some ass for him. Howard said the guy wanted to rummage around in there.
Howard said that stuff was hard core. He said it sticks with you. Robin said she doesn't want that image in her head. Howard said Wolfie went and covered that a year ago. He said it was a lot of tape and he remembers listening to it in his house. He said he was like ''Oh god...'' He said for one reason or another he wasn't able to get to it. He said they stopped bringing it up and then the other day they brought it up again. He said he hadn't heard it in a long time so he finally got to it. He said the mood was right yesterday. Robin said she thinks it was handled well. Howard said no one mentioned how well he handled it.
Howard played the clip of Wolfie getting the description of what was going on while a guy was getting fisted. Howard laughed while the clip was playing. The sounds coming out of the guy's ass were very loud. They called it a noisy pussy.
Robin said that guy should be arrested. Howard asked which one. Robin said the guy who said ''Open that cunt.'' Howard said he thinks Wolfie closed his eyes at that point.
Howard said their next gathering is called ''Spring FFling.'' He had trouble pronouncing that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the show was bad but the sound of Wendy coughing makes him want to vomit. Howard said him too. He said when she has that itch in her esophagus it drives him nuts. Fred was trying to find a clip. He found a song parody with her coughing in it. Howard got a laugh out of that. Fred said he'll search for more coughs. Howard said he's kind of there with the guy. Fred found some drops of Wendy coughing. Howard said she must have a tickle in her chest and she can't get rid of it. Robin said it has to be more than a tickle. Howard said he's trying to be nice. Fred played a few more coughs.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has been asking his wife for anal for a long time and they heard the skit yesterday and his chances dropped with each gasp. He said when the ass meat came out he lost his shot completely. Howard said you're not missing out on anything. Robin asked how he knows it's not the most wonderful thing. Howard said he has a penis and he knows. He said he has put his penis in a woman's butt with 3 different women and it wasn't all that great. He said he prefers the vagina. He said it's so superior to ass. The caller said he's probably right about that.
Howard said it's disgusting. He said just put your penis in the vagina. Robin said it's all disgusting when you get down to it. Howard said stick with the image of what it would be like when you were thinking about it as a kid. Robin said the one thing they dropped the ball on was the guy who was fisting his wife. She said she had a lot of questions. She said a guy called in about fisting his wife and he hasn't gotten it in there yet. Howard said try painting a house instead.
Howard said you think that this guy who was the head of the sex cult must look great. He said he's not that good looking. Howard said this woman, Allison Mack, is in the cult and this guy somehow convinces her to join his cult. He said he was based in New York. He said this guy is a 4. He said he's a dough boy and he somehow hooks up with this girl who is on a TV Show. He said he somehow has a sex cult going where he rewards you for finding other sex slaves and she was very good at it apparently. Howard said you get money for it from what he read. Robin said it's lie Amway. Howard said she was really good at convincing girls to come into the group. They called it a self improvement group. He said they called you a master if you brought in a certain number of women.
Howard said the guy looks kind of like JD. He said it's kind of like a pyramid scheme but in this case you get fucked by a pyramid. He said this guy got this girl from Smallville and she was kind of a cute girl. He said she wasn't hot enough for Superman played by Dean Cain. Robin said it wasn't Dean Cain. Howard said it was. Robin insisted it wasn't. Gary said that was Lois and Clark. Howard asked who played Clark in Smallville. Robin didn't remember his name.
Howard said Allison Mack cried so much the judge had to give her tissues. He said he has been around actresses and they know how to cry. He said she's still going to get sentenced to some time. Robin said she is cult proof herself. Howard said he thinks that she could fall into that. Robin said she isn't gullible at all when someone tells her what to do. She said that's where it all ends.
Howard read some of the article about Allison Mack. Robin said that Tom Welling was the guy in Smallville. Howard was still going through the story and finding more details about the time she could get for this. It was like 30 years.
Robin had some details about that story and the sex cult. Howard said that it's like a test to see if you're dopey enough to fall for this.
Howard said that Allison said she joined that NXIVM to find purpose. Howard read about how they had to get their own slaves and become a master in the group. Howard read about what the guy was doing with the slaves and how he would brand them on their vagina. Robin said they were blackmailing these women too. Howard said this guy must laugh at a dude like him. He said that guy has a whole posse of women. He said he probably laughs at a guy like Robert Kraft. He said this guy looks like an Uber driver. Robin said Uber drivers look fine. Howard said he would love to hear that guy's rap.
Robin asked why anyone would mail this guy blackmail evidence of yourself. Howard said they want to be in NXIVM. He asked how they pronounce that. He said he'd leave right away. Gary said he thinks it's pronounced ''Nexium.''
Howard asked what JD just said. JD asked if he was talking about him. Howard said JD was trying to get his own cult going but they took all of his money. Howard mentioned the dog and peanut butter incident. JD asked him to stop. Howard said he has a song parody for JD to the tune of a Van Halen song. He played that and went to break.
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Howard said his dear friend Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony are coming in. He said that Jason Bonham will be in too. He said he loves Sammy. He said he's a fun guy. He said he's 71 and looks like he's in his 50s. Howard said Michael Anthony he loves and he wasn't treated properly by the Van Halen brothers. He said he loves those guys too but they didn't treat Michael right. He said they'll get into all of that when they come in.
Howard said they're going to do some Van Halen and some of their new songs from The Circle. He said he listened to the new album and he has a bunch of new music on his playlist. He said he likes that Mas Tequila song that he did in Chickenfoot. He told Fred to play that. Fred played some of the song.
Howard said that all of these songs could have been Van Halen songs. Robin asked if anyone has a problem with them playing Van Halen songs. Howard said apparently not. He said they were in the band and they helped write some of that stuff. Howard said they'll be doing some ''Finish What You Started.'' He played some of the album version.
Howard read some email about him saying that he never liked Michael Jackson. He said people were calling him a racist over that. Howard said he never did like the guy. He said he's a music aficionado.
Howard read more email about his music picks and Michael Jackson. Howard said someone pointed out that Michael Jackson's stuff is much better than Prince's ''Batdance.'' Howard said he doesn't think so. Robin said she doesn't get that Prince song. Howard said this is something to listen to. He played some ''Batdance'' and Robin said he never performed this. Howard said that's not true. He said play this at his funeral. He said he'd be honored. Robin said he'll come to his senses at some point. Howard said he's sorry it's not Simona Dinnerstein.
Howard said in the next one he calls it a Kazoo. He played another clip and Erik was snoring in a way that sounded kind of like a kazoo. Howard asked how that guy is still alive. He said it's like the mating call of fat people. He said that's something.
Howard said he calls this next one the pigeon. That clip did have a bit of a pigeon sound.
Howard said Erik has a CPAP Machine. He said that he was sleeping and at some point he put the mask on. He said it stated to sound like Darth Vader. He said this next one he calls The Vader. He played another clip and the CPAP machine was making it sound like Vader's breathing. Howard said he has that machine noise going. He said it's kind of cool. He said he must have gotten up and put it on.
Howard said Erik would let out a long and noisy snore occasionally. He said he has a montage. He said this is what they call the lawn mower. He played the clip and he did sound like a lawn mower starting up. Robin asked if you can wake up rested after a night like that.
Howard said Erik is always threatening suicide and he threatened to do that by not wearing his CPAP machine. Howard said Erik was at the Yankees game the other day and he was in $1,500 seats. He said he'll have to get to that at a later time. Robin asked how that recording works. Howard said he must just turn his phone on and it records.
Shuli came in and said he wanted to correct him on the price of the ticket. He said it was a $2,600 ticket. He said Erik has a lawyer friend and he sued the guy. He said the case got thrown out and now Erik is hanging out with the guy again. Howard said he heard that when you get those $2,600 seats you get great seats and more stuff. Shuli said those are like Lorne Michaels seats. Howard said you could see Erik on TV because they were such good seats.
Shuli said there was a game going on and Erik wasn't even looking at it. Howard said he heard you get a free buffet there. Shuli said they have an elite VIP club there and Erik got in and other celebrities can't even get in. Howard said he heard you get free candy. Gary said they have cubbies full of candy and you can grab handfuls of the stuff. Shuli said Erik eats it there. He said he doesn't take it out.
Shuli had a list of what Erik ate there. He said it starts with 4 white wines. He said then he had 2 orders of Filet Mignon, an order of cream spinach... Howard said he used to tell Sam Kinison how he stayed thin and he'd tell him to eat vegetables. He said Sam would have cream spinach. He said it's covered in fat. He said he'd look at Sam and then just tell him ''Good for you pal.'' He said you knew he was destined to die young.
Shuli said Erik had 3 sushi rolls. He said he has to be well over 350 pounds now. Howard asked how he does that with the stomach stapling. Robin said it's not even a stapling. She said it has the ability to expand. She said Erik would get sick but he was persistent and kept eating.
Shuli said Erik had a salad drenched in dressing and then he had 3 hot dogs. Howard said he has to be completely unstapled. He said Erik must go and shit during the game too. Robin said they have bathrooms in those suites too. Howard asked if he had hot dogs with buns. Shuli said he sure did. He said that's all he had during the game. Howard said one of his stomach staples popped out and killed a Yankee.
Shuli said Erik didn't want people knowing he was at the game with Vinnie. He said he told him that he shouldn't sit behind home plate then. Shuli said he never stopped being friends with Vinnie. He said he would call and just not talk and listen in on other calls. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said he went to the bathroom and urinated. He said that's why they were gone so long. Robin asked if he wants to share that. Howard said he does. He said that he was up last night to pee 3 times. He said he's up and down all night. He said it's annoying. He has an enlarged prostate. He said the doctor told him that's why he pees a lot. Robin asked if he has a superior load with that enlarged prostate. Howard said no, it does you no good. Howard said Sammy must have that too. He said he'll ask him about that. Howard said Sammy looks good.
Howard said he was reading about this college cheating scandal. He said his father always said if you read the NY Times front to back it's like having a college education. He said he believes that. Robin said she believes that. She said look at the kids at Texas Tech. She said they might as well be at the St. Paddy's day parade. Howard said if your kid is a big dummy just tell them to read the NY Times every day. He said you'll be smarter. Robin said that will be something you do because you want to. She said kids go to school and don't want to be there.
Howard said he's being interviewed by the NY Times today. He said that's like the second coming of Christ for his family. He said he subscribes to the paper and to the kindle version. He said the way the world is going here are so many fake news organizations that make up news and the gold standard is the NY Times. Robin said the Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal are good too.
Howard said he's not asking questions anymore about when it's coming out or whatever. He said he's not sure what the interview is for. He said he's just talking to a reporter from the NY Times. Robin said she's sure they'll give him a schedule. Howard said a lot of preparation goes into this. He said all day Thursday he has meetings.
Howard said he's really trying to get people to read this new book. He said he's doing interviews to get the word out there. He said that his fans will buy it but he has to get other people to buy it.
Howard said Charlie Rose was good at interviewing. He said he sold books. He said Larry King was good with that too. He said he did an interview with Larry and he sold 4 videos through that show. Howard said Bob Lefsetz said he shouldn't bother doing promotion. He said he thinks he was right. He said the fans will buy the book. Howard said he wants other people to read it too though.
Howard said Charlie Rose was really good but in his private life he was doing things that people thought Howard Stern was doing. He said it's so fucked up. He said he wasn't doing anything wild but Charlie Rose was. He said Charlie was walking around nude in front of his assistant. He said imagine that guy with his dick out. He said he'd go right to H.R. over that.
Howard said he goes wild in the studio but in his personal life he's like a monk. Robin said that Charlie would follow girls around and she didn't know he was doing the things he was doing. Howard said Robin should have opened her mouth if she did know that. Robin said she had no idea.
Howard said imagine your kid gets a job with Charlie Rose instead of Howard Stern. You think your kid is safe and then she goes off to drop something off at his house and he answers the door with his cock hanging out.
Howard wondered what Charlie is up to now. Robin said there is no word on him. She said you read about Les Moonves but nothing about Charlie. Howard said anyone who is disgraced should be interviewed by Charlie Rose. Howard said if Charlie is listening he should go on TV and do interviews in his cock robe. He said he'd do an interview with him like that. Howard said he wants to do book promotion with Charlie Rose.
Howard had fake Donald Trump on the phone to comment on his book. Fake Trump asked if he's his favorite interview. Howard said he is in the book. Robin asked if he is listening at all. Trump told her to shut up and called her Molested Robin. Fake Trump was going on and on rambling so Howard said it is hard to have a conversation with him. Trump gave Howard a plug for his book that he called ''Art of the Deal'' instead of Howard Stern Comes Again. Howard played a song about his book.
Howard said for those people who follow the show Brent and his wife announced they are swingers. He said Brent came in and said he is doing that swinging thing now and Shuli didn't believe it. He said Shuli went to this wrestling event and held up a sign. Shuli said he got great seats and brought his daughter with him. He said he was sitting next to this huge guy and they were doing some promotion. He said he heard they were coming over with the camera soon so he saw some paper that this guy had. He said he had markers and cardboard so he borrowed something to make a quick sign. He said he got on camera and he held up the sign. Howard said this is some video from the event. Howard said it had to do with Brent who just came in.
Howard played the clip and they were talking to this guy and they said hi to Shuli who was holding up a sign that said ''Brent is lying.'' Brent said that's a fucked up thing to do. Howard said that was pretty wild. Brent said he wasn't lying and there is no maybe. He said he had no idea about this. He said he's trying to hurt him personally and professionally. He said he's trying to hurt his career. Howard asked Shuli if he's just breaking his balls. Shuli said he thinks there are two things that bug him in that story. He said Brent saying that people said ''fuck Shuli'' in the clubs is bullshit. Brent said it happens all the time.
Brent said fuck you to Shuli about saying that he's a liar. He said he's in there calling him a liar and that's why he's pissed. Shuli said he has to thank him now. He said he and his wife are the belle of the ball in the swinging community. He said that they all want to fuck them. Brent said that is true. He said they all say fuck Shuli too.
Howard asked if Brent is going overboard with the Swinging mentality. He heard he wanted to let the Uber driver play with her tits. Brent said he didn't offer him anything. He said the guy barely had a pulse. He said that the guy said they smelled like weed. He said that the guy asked who the Uber was for and he told the guy it was for Katelyn his wife and he told him about her. He said he was just goofing with the guy.
Shuli said and he's the one trying to hurt him. Brent said none of that stuff was funny. Shuli said he disagrees. Howard said he got that sign on WWE. Brent said that's called cheap heat. Shuli said he will admit he was telling the truth if he thanks him for making them huge stars in the swinging community. Brent said he can take that deal, turn it sideways and shove it up his ass.
Howard took a call from a woman who said what Shuli did was hysterical. Howard said he thinks it's wrong. Brent said it was way out of line. He said they are trying to fill time there so they read it on the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves Brent and Shuli but Shuli is 100 percent correct. He said he wouldn't be getting love in the swinging community. Brent said that's not true. The caller said Shuli is making it interesting.
Howard said he has Hot Under the Collar Brent on the phone. Fake Brent went off on Shuli and ranted like real Brent does. Howard let him do that for a minute.
Howard asked if Shuli will do that again with the sign. Shuli said the mood just hit him that night. He said he probably won't do that again. Brent called it cheap heat again. Howard said he gets why Brent is upset.
Howard said Shuli also interviewed Underdog and she's writing a book. Howard asked when they talked. Shuli said this was last week on Friday. Howard said Shuli called her for an update and she said she's working on a book about her dancing and other experiences with Dracula. Howard played the audio of her talking about what she's writing about. She said it's not a memoir about her whole life, it's just about her Dracula experience. Howard said she left Underdog in the dust. Shuli said she's all about the Vlad and Dracula stuff.
Howard said Shuli broke the news to Underdog that Howard has a book coming out in May. Underdog said that if he chronicles all of his interviews he has to expose himself with the people who have suffered. Howard said she's worried she'll be featured in the book. Howard said she isn't in the book. He played a clip of Underdog saying if she's mentioned in any way readers will alert other celebrities or people who knew her from the TV show and they'll put the information on the internet. She said it could create or resurrect negative images. Howard said this is some conversation.
Howard said he read that she keeps Hawaiian punch in her refrigerator and labels them as blood so she can drink it like a vampire. Shuli said that's right. He said she wanted to go to a blood drive dressed as Dracula and have someone take a picture of her there. He said she saw that 40 years ago in a newspaper. He said the nurses were not open to the idea.
Robin asked if Shuli has seen her Dracula costume. Shuli said he has and they are hand made so they are authentic in her own way. Howard said congrats at the Ring of Honor wrestling match. He wasn't sure what that even is. He said he can't believe he still goes to that stuff at his age. Shuli said he's 44. Howard said he doesn't want to break the news to him that it's fake. Howard said he has to take a break and get to Sammy and the guys. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said he is hanging with real rock stars. He said he should have been a rock star but he was not chosen for that. He said when his piano teacher killed himself he knew it was over. Sammy said they're not on there for him to complain about that. He said he's had it rough.
Howard said they have to comment on Sammy's good looks for his age. Sammy said he's 71 and a half. Howard asked if he has any medical issues. Sammy said none at all. He said he can knock out 150 pushups no problem. Michael Anthony said that's over the span of a week. Howard asked how old he is. Michael said he'll be 65 in a week. Howard said when they were young guys that age looked old. He said they don't look that old to him. He said he sees himself and he thinks he's a mess. Sammy said when he was growing up his grandpa was sitting in a chair and using a cane. He said he thought that's what was going to happen to him but he just doesn't feel that way.
Howard asked if you just have to keep moving. Sammy said it's too late to stop now. Howard said he looks back on the Van Halen years and it was one big party. He said Sammy wasn't drinking as much as the other guys and neither was Michael. Michael said he came in a close third. He said he's pretty much sober now. Howard said that's his kind of sober. Sammy said he just means he hasn't had a drink this morning. He said he and Mike can drink. He said they do drink.
Howard said when you're rock stars it's a hard party. He said when you're on the road you're taking full advantage. Howard said he went to a Van Halen show when they were at their height and he heard there was a tent under the stage that they could fuck in. He said Sammy was single at the time. Howard said when they were doing shows and he's singing his heart out and then Eddie does his guitar solo and he'd go under the stage. Howard asked if it was true that 5 women where down there. Sammy said not every night but there were plenty of women there. Michael said that when Sammy was in there Eddie would end his solo and Sammy had to come running up on stage. Howard asked how that all comes about. He said they can't arrange it while they're doing a show. He said they have to have people. Sammy said that you have a guy. He said they all had a guy who did that for them.
Howard asked if they feel like a god. Sammy said not at all. Howard said they can have anything they want. He said the women are just there. Sammy said you can have the time of your life in rock and roll. He said he had the time of his life. He said he wasn't a bad guy though. He said a bad guy can get himself in trouble in that business. Howard said he could do 10 hours on just this topic. Sammy said he wrote a book about this. He said Howard made it go number 1. Howard said he heard he didn't have anything left in him after a while. Sammy said he wasn't able to cum. He said he'd go for 3 weeks without cumming. He said he was having a good time though. Howard said he's never been that empty. Robin said it's like birth control. Sammy said he likes the art of making love. He said he doesn't just want to come and go.
Howard asked if it affects his singing. Sammy said not at all. He said these days you don't smoke. He said you go to the cell phone. Sammy said the idea of having sex is about the pleasure of doing it. He said he has always been that guy. He said he thinks it's pretty cool. He said he liked having sex even when he didn't cum.
Howard asked why they're calling the band The Circle. Sammy said that he, Michael and Jason all grew up on Led Zeppelin. Howard said they have to take a look at Jason too. Jason said when they did guitar solos in Led Zeppelin he'd be doing blow and they found out. He said Jimmy would cut his guitar solo short and he had to run to stage. He said Jimmy would just stand there waiting. He said he was angry that they didn't offer him any. Howard said with Jason he lost his dad when he was 14. He said you'd think he'd stay away from blow.
Jason said Jimmy was the first one to give him blow when he was on the road with them. Howard said he'd think that they'd avoid doing that. Jason said he remembers being called to his room and he was just 16 at that point. He said there was a woman on the floor meowing. He said they had this grinder thing. He said they'd grind it and turn it over to him. He said Jimmy asked if he had done it before. He said yes and he just did all of it. He said Jimmy said he's just like his father. He said he was taking that as a compliment. He said he should have been working on the other side of the craft. He said he's been sober for 17 years now. Howard said that's hard to do. Sammy said he's totally cool.
Howard said there will be people around you drinking and you just have to say it's not for you. Jason said that they ask if he wants them to take the booze out of the room but he says no and tells them to take the candy out instead.
Howard said Jason was 5 years old and the guys would come over and his dad would have him play drums in front of people. He asked who he played for. Jason said Paul McCartney and people like that. Sammy said that's why he's so arrogant. He said he was playing for guys like that at 5. Jason said he wanted to make his dad happy and that was his goal. He said he still wants to do that for Sammy. He said that's like his father figure now. Jason said he looks up to guys like that and he's looking to impress them. Howard said most people don't get to that level that Jason has gotten to. He said most don't get to that level that Jason has. Michael said the expectation is there to be like their father.
Howard said they used the drum beat from When The Levee Breaks in a song. Howard asked if it's weird for Jason to play that. Jason said he had done that in his show and he had the loop and he showed it to Sammy to do it. Sammy said he wrote to it. Jason said he had Father's day off and Sammy asked him to find a recording studio to go into and record some stuff for him.
Howard asked what this drum is he's using. Sammy said it's a Red Rocker Roland set. Howard said it looks like an iPad. Howard asked what he can get out of that thing. Howard asked if he records David Lee Roth's voice in that thing to piss Sammy off. Jason said he would never do that. Howard asked if Sammy hates David. Sammy said he really doesn't. He said he actually likes the guy and the guy doesn't like him. He said he's very entertaining to him.
Howard said when he hears this new album he still thinks if he was Eddie Van Halen he'd think that they sound good and the songs are so good that they could have been Van Halen songs. Sammy said yeah. Howard said Eddie is fucking crazy. Sammy said he hasn't spoken to those guys since 2004.
Howard said he doesn't get what went on there. He asked if anyone gets it. Michael said no. He said they were asking Dave to do something with them but he didn't answer his door. Sammy said it's not about being better. He said if Dave wanted to steal the show he could have. He said that he could have sang and Dave could have danced for all he cared.
Howard said it was a big deal for Sammy to replace David. He said that the odds of it working were a billion to one. Michael said they wanted them to change the name of the band when Dave left. He said that's how big it was.
Howard said they first album they did was 5150 and he wondered how it went. Sammy said they did a couple of other Van Halen songs and then the whole 5150 album. He said that he had a huge fan base of his own and they all got along. He said it was the greatest time in his musical career. He said they're having fun with The Circle now. He said they play some Van Halen songs. Howard said he likes the sound of this new album. He said he has every right to play Van Halen songs. He said they're half the band.
Sammy said that they don't play his stuff in the Van Halen shows with Dave. He said Dave can't sing them. He said they play a bunch of different songs from hi career. He said it's so well rounded that they called the band The Circle.
Howard said he loves when Michael Anthony comes in with the background vocals. He said he's so good. He said that the Van Halens were criticizing his background vocals when they got rid of him. He said that's mind blowing to him. Sammy said the backgrounds were important to the band even before he joined it. He said that you hear that trumpet voice and he hits that note. He said it's so identifiable.
Howard said when they get together and record stuff they work out the vocals. Howard said he wants to hear Michael behind him. Sammy said it's part of the sound. He said it's not just the bass. He said you get his voice too.
Howard said he wants to hear that famous sound. He asked the guys to start off with ''Finish What You Started.'' He said this song is interesting. He said they did this Van Halen song and Sammy plays guitar on this song. Sammy said it was the only song he played guitar on with Van Halen. He said that Eddie came to his house at 2 in the morning one night. He said that he was throwing pebbles at his window. He said Eddie asked him to come down. He said he went out and Eddie smoked outside with him coming up with this song. He said they just wrote this song outside at 2 in the morning. He said that Eddie put some stuff into what he had already. Howard said they could still be doing this stuff together. He said it doesn't happen when someone joins the band and it works so well. Sammy said that he and Sebastian Bach were talking about it and how chemistry is a rare thing.
Michael said they had some music written and Sammy came in and sang and it was just ''boom.'' Sammy said he'd go home and write the lyrics to the music. Michael said he would scat to the songs and that would be used in the songs. Howard asked if he's a poet. Sammy said ''Yeah!'' Howard said he likes that line about ''I've been known to cheat myself in Solitaire.''
Howard asked if he would write lyrics down and just try to fit them in. Sammy said he would write the lyrics to the music they had. He said the music really predicted words to him. He said it was chemistry. He said now he writes lines down. He said he will write the music around the lyrics now.
Howard said they're going to do this song ''Finish what You Started.'' He said that they have Vick Johnson in the band too. Sammy said he's been with him ever since he left Van Halen. He said that Vick is genius. He said he wanted someone who didn't play like Eddie. He said that all of these guys came and played like Eddie and then Vick came in and played this funky song and he's been playing with him ever since. He said he can play all of these guys and he plays Vick Fucking Johnson. Howard asked if he was good from the start. Vick said he wasn't good right away. He said he would play every day before and after school.
Howard tried asking Vick about what happened to his old band but he wasn't talking. Sammy said he's a private guy. Howard asked if he plays guitar all day now. Vick said he does. Howard asked him to play some Hendrix. Vick did that for him. Sammy laughed and said that was just his right hand.
Howard asked if Michael started playing bass because everyone else was playing guitar. Michael said he had the best job in the world because everyone else wanted to be a guitar player or a lead singer. Howard asked if he once loaned his amp to Van Halen. Michael said he did and this was when they were kids. He said that Eddie was good back then too. He said that they had a bass player and Eddie was singing before they got Roth. Michael said they were playing Cream songs back then and Eddie was playing the songs note for note.
Howard asked Michael about what he plays. He said he plays a Schecter. He said that it's taken like 30 years to find that sound he wants. He said that he's gotten a lot of free gear but he just wants it to sound the way he wants it to sound. He played some for Howard to show what it sounds like.
Howard asked Michael about how he got the gig in Van Halen. Michael said that they asked him to play for them but Roth wasn't at the rehearsal. He said that it was just Eddie and Alex. He said that they asked him to sing a background part and that led to him singing background on everything.
Sammy said they had Michael play in a certain way and Eddie heard them playing on a radio show once and he asked who it was playing bass with him. He didn't know it was Michael. Howard said he didn't let him come out and do his fucking thing. Michael said that what Eddie played was very complex and if he came into it then it could have turned into a mess. Howard said it takes a big man to take a back seat to Eddie. Sammy said it made it easier for him to sing too.
Howard said he loves talking to musicians. He asked if Gene Simmons is telling the truth about signing them and he let them go because he had to go out on tour. Michael said they were playing at a club in Hollywood and Paul Stanley fell in love with this other band and then Gene came to see the show with the other band and Gene was the one who said that these guys were the band. He said Gene had big plans for them. He said that KISS had to go off and do a tour. He said that they were going to sign and the record company said they got this band called Angel and they were turned down. He said Gene really did get the ball rolling. Howard said it's hard to know sometimes how a band is going to do.
Howard said now they're going to go back in time a bit. Sammy said that Michael has some great licks. He said he really is great. Howard said it was wrong of Eddie to bad mouth Michael when he left. Sammy said he has to defend Eddie. He said he thinks he was in a bad place at the time. Michael said that he was contacted last year to do some shows with them. He said he would be interested but the deal fell apart. Sammy said he's fine with that too. He said if Michael wants to go out and do that he's cool with taking some time off down in Cabo. Howard said he's got a very relaxed attitude.
Howard said they're going to go back in time now. Sammy told Howard how great Jason is at playing drums. He said he can play Pound Cake like no one. Jason did some drumming for Howard to show how he changes it up. Howard had him play some Wipe Out. He said this is some band they have. Howard said they know what they're doing.
Howard said they're going to do ''Finish What You Started'' now. Sammy said he has to put his sunglasses on because he looks at the microphone and he gets all cross eyed. He said you don't want to see that. Howard asked if they know the song so well they don't have to rehears. Sammy said this is their rehearsal. He said he's a loosie goosie kind of guy. The guys went into the song a short time later.
After the song Howard said they have no idea what joy that brings him. He said when he sees guys like them doing this he wishes he could be a musician. He said he sits there in amazement that songs like that are so sexy. He said it's such a great groove. He said he sees what he means about Michael playing. He said he feels like he's adding stuff to it. Michael said he plays like he did on the album but maybe adds a little more. Howard said he's trying to savor the moment in his life. He said it's so exciting for him to see this in the small studio there. He said he has to thank them for doing this.
Howard asked what the harmony sounds like without guitar. Howard asked them to do that. Sammy said that they just do the root and then they come in with their stuff. Howard said that's awesome. Michael said they have him sing the high part. Howard asked if his voice has changed over the years. Michael said he doesn't think it has that much. He said he can still do it. Howard asked if he could be a lead singer. Michael said he doesn't have the personality for it. He said he doesn't want to be that guy. He said he wants to play bass. He said he doesn't want to be Bill Wyman but he does want to be there playing bass.
Howard said Vick isn't having a problem with any of the hard parts. Sammy said he's not. Howard said Jason is using this drum thing and it's like the size of an iPad. He asked if he could use that for a full concert. Jason said he could but you want to use a real drum set if you can. He said the natural dynamics of a drum set sounds good but in this environment it works with this thing. Howard had him demonstrate more of that. Jason said it's a lot of fun.
Sammy said that every drummer has come and drummed with him. He said in Cabo he has a drum set and when Jason sits down at it he thinks they changed the set. He said he hits them right. Howard asked what it is that he does differently. Jason said his father was a heavy hitter. He said he holds the stick very far in his hand. He said his dad could play and his kit sounded like his kit but even his toy kit sounded like him when he played. Howard asked if his dad taught him to play. Jason said his dad got him to do a Genesis song and he sat down and played it. He said that his dad got him to do it in like 3 tries and his dad wondered what the big deal was if his 12 year old can play that song.
Howard said Robert Plant was in there and he asked him about seeing Jason playing drums and crying. He said Robert was talking about how he was so emotional about seeing his friend's son up there. Jason said that was a surprise to them all that he was there. He said no one knew he was going to be there. Howard said the guy was in tears.
Howard said there was going to be a Zeppelin tour but Robert wanted nothing to do with it. He said he told Jason that his father was Zeppelin. Jason said they thought the tour was going to happen and he asked Robert if it was and Robert said what he knows of his father is amazing but it would be idiotic to carry on. He said Robert said they should just leave it at that. Howard said that's a big deal. Sammy said that is a big deal and a classy way to handle it.
Sammy said they see people dying like flies and he would love to see Led Zeppelin but he gets it. He said it's very classy.
Jason said he got a Grammy for that performance. He said that there has been no other drummer in Led Zeppelin so it's an honor. Howard said Robert was the guy who told Jason his dad had died. Jason said he did.
Sammy said playing with Jason he predicts that Jason is as good as his dad and his dad would want to hear that. Howard said Jason is going to send him hate mail now. Sammy said Jason plays just like his dad. He said he's the greatest rock drummer in his book. He said he thinks his dad would love to hear that.
Howard said these guys are called The Circle and he wants to hear another song. He said that they're going to do ''Why Can't This be Love.'' Sammy said this was the first Van Hagar song that was released. He said it went to number 1. He said that they had never had an album go to number 1 before. Howard said that must have been a relief for Sammy. Howard said the whole album was number 1. Sammy said it was there for 5 weeks. He said they went to play a show and they went about a week drinking.
Howard asked if they used keyboards on these albums because it was something new. Michael said that they had used it on a few other songs. He said Eddie is a great keyboard player as well as guitar. Howard said that guy has some talent. Howard asked the guys to do some of the song. They went into the song ''Why Can't This Be Love.'' Sammy did most of the singing but he had Michael take a few lines.
After the song Howard said that's easy. Sammy said the drums sound so funky. Howard asked if they can do this the next 10 hours. He said that it has to be a hard song to sing. Sammy said not really. He said he just flew in last night and got up at 7 this morning. He said it's like 4 in the morning California time. Howard said Sammy can still sing.
Howard asked what's going on with Sammy and the ghost story. He said he gets up in years and he's worried about what might happen. Sammy said he has been touched in dreams and he thinks it's a dream. He said that his father visited him and his manager did too. Howard said he's saying that his father was a drinking man and he died under a park bench. Howard said the night he dies there's a knock on his door. Sammy said he answered the door and in his house and his dad was there. He said this all happened. He said he went and laid back down and then someone knocked on the door and his next door neighbor had a contact for emergencies. He said his sister was on the phone and he picked up and she told him they found their dad at 4 in the morning. Howard asked if he was awake or asleep when he answered the door. Sammy said he really doesn't know. He said that's still up in the air.
Howard asked about this other time. Sammy said that he was going through hell with the band at the time. He said he knew it was over with the band and his manager came to him and sat next to him on the bed. He said he told him it was going to be fine. He said he thinks there's something going on in the after life. Howard said nothing ever happens to him like that. Sammy said he can have this shit. He said it's scary to him.
Howard asked if he had an Alien experience too. Sammy said he did back in the 60s. He said he had a UFO visit him. He said they plugged into him and they had computers that weren't even around ate the time. He said he thinks they randomly picked him. He said he went to his room and it was completely white. He said they said in another language that they were done and they yelled a numerical code. He said that was a passcode to get into his system. He said he woke up and his room was black.
Howard said Jason is sitting there making hand signals like he's cuckoo. Jason said he's never heard this story before. Sammy said they did it from a distance. He said that they may have opened his mind like a big acid trip. He said after that his mind was opened. Robin asked if he goes to any of those alien abduction conventions. Sammy said no way, those people are crazy.
Howard said they have this new album out called ''Space Between'' and he thinks that the first song is their hit. Sammy said that's ''Devil Came to Philly.'' Howard said the guys in van Halen should have kept recording with them. Howard said he wants to play some of this. He played the first song from the album. Howard said it's an anthem. He said this is it right here. He let the song play for a bit. Howard said this is rock. Sammy said he got his furs up again. He said Howard did it to him. Howard said the aliens must have programmed this into him.
Sammy said he can't wait for 10,000 people to be singing this song with them. Howard said this is great. Sammy said the album is a concept album. He said it's about money, greed and truth.
Howard asked what kind of tour they're doing. Sammy said they're playing some big places. He said they have a good fan base. Howard asked if Michael is ready. Michael said his wife wants him out there. He said she wants him out. Howard asked if he's home a lot. Michael said she wanted him out like 20 years ago. Howard asked if he golfs. Michael said he tried playing and he would get to the 9th hole and have some drinks and he was done.
Howard asked Sammy if he still has the tequila company. Sammy said he does. Howard said at the end of the album they go back to ''Hey, Hey.'' He said he likes that they brought that back. Sammy said this is his favorite song on the album. He said the guy was enlightened and he realizes that money isn't the root of all evil. Howard played the song and said they did a good job with this. Howard said he should have been in this band. He said he has to start practicing.
Howard asked if Sammy is a billionaire. Sammy said he isn't but he has plenty of money. He said that maybe he has 250. He said that it's distracting if you keep track of that. He said you get a big ol' check for 50 million you don't feel it. He said you get some gold and silver coins then you feel like you have something. He said there's something about the paper money. Howard said Michael is looking at him like fuck this guy. Howard asked if Michael is worth something like that. Michael said he is up there somewhere.
Howard said Jason must have some money too. Jason said he's doing okay. Howard said Vick must be doing okay too.
Howard said he has to play ''Can't Hang'' because he wrote it to When the Levee Breaks. Sammy said they have the same feel since Jason played it like his dad. Howard asked Jason to play the part. Jason did his thing that sounded like When the Levee Breaks. Jason said he changed it up a little bit. He showed Howard how he changed it. Sammy said that's funky. Jason said they did it like that and they sent it to Sammy. He said he wanted to put a push in there but he told him not to. Sammy said it's so much better that way. Howard played some of the finished song ''Can't Hang.''
Howard asked how long it takes to write a song like this. Sammy said about 6 months or so. Howard said there's the drum sound. Howard said the guys did it. He said they're good together.
Howard asked if they want David Lee Roth to hear this. Sammy said he wants everyone over there to hear this record. Howard said they missed out. Sammy said he would love this band to open for Van Halen. He said that they don't need Michael and they can get another bass player.
Sammy said he hasn't been this comfortable on a show before. Howard said Sammy has a new show that he likes. He said that he and Tommy Lee were playing a song together. He said it was great and he loved it. Howard said the song is Rock & Roll Road Trip on AXS TV. Howard said he's never heard of that. Robin said it's on cable and those channels. Sammy said it's Mark Cuban's channel.
Howard said they're going to play a special show for SiriusXM subscribers. He said that will be in West Hollywood at the Trubador club. He said you can sign up and win at SiriusXM.com/Sammy Hagar.
Howard said Sammy is going to take over Ozzy's Boneyard in May for a week. Howard gave them some more plugs and told the guys he loves them. He said he loves Michael Anthony and he thinks he's great. He said Jack Bruce would be proud of him. He said Jason Bonham is great. He said he hopes somehow he's getting Zeppelin royalties. Jason said he's doing alright. He said he does a tribute show and he's doing okay with that. He said he's going to be playing with Frampton on the farewell tour. Robin said she's going to be there. Howard asked if she's going to be topless. Robin said that was the surprise.
Howard said Vick Johnson is very good too. He said he can make a living doing this. Howard said he likes Sammy too. Sammy said he feels so good about this. He said they used to butt heads but this was great. Howard said he had to smack him around a bit. Sammy said he loves their relationship now. Howard said he loves what they're up to. He said he loves their whole sound. He said it was very special to have them in there today. He said they sound terrific.
Howard said Sammy made amends with a bunch of people lately. Sammy said that's because so many people are dying around him. He said he sent Eddie a happy birthday message and tried to get a hold of him. He said he didn't get a return. Howard said that's so silly. Sammy said he feels good about it so that's what counts. He said he's not mad at anyone. He said he wanted to apologize to Eddie even though he did nothing wrong. He said he made them feel insecure somehow but he doesn't know how. He said he invited Ed and Al over to his house but they didn't respond. Michael said he's surprised because he lives down the road from Sam and he didn't invite him.
Howard asked Michael about a conversation he had with Alex. Michael said that was about 2 or 3 years ago and they just talked about life in general. He said it was about a 15 minute talk. He said it was good.
Howard gave the guys their plugs again and wrapped up with them. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard asked how much fun it was to watch those guys. Robin said it was amazing. Howard had Fred turn of the song. He said he's exhausted. He said he has to go do press after the show. He said he gets a little break but then he has to do that. He said then he has to go to therapy. He said there's no end in sight for that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a 49 year old black man. Howard said congratulations on that. The caller said Howard is the fucking greatest. He said Sammy is nowhere on his radar but now he wants to buy tickets. He said yesterday was gross with the ass meat but with his interview style he is he shit. He said he ordered his book. He said this Howard is for real. He said he's the best interviewer and the best promoter. Howard said it's hard to argue with him.
Robin asked how long he's been listening. The caller said he has been listening since he started on Sirius. He said he's a truck driver so he listens on the road. Howard said he's going to make this guy the new King of All Blacks. The caller, Fred, said that King is a joke. He said that Howard has made a star out of Ass Napkin Ed. He said he's the best at doing that. He said people know Benjy and fuck Benjy. Howard said he's enjoying the show. Fred said he is. He said what they have there is the best thing since baloney and white bread. Howard said he's glad he turned him on to Sammy.
Fred said the book is something he's waiting on. He said Howard is the shit. Howard said the book is a perfect read on the road. Fred said he'd do that if Howard told him to. Howard asked him not to read on the road. Howard let Fred go a short time later.
Howard said they have to do news but they're running out of time. He said there's always time for Robin song parody. He played one for her. It was to the tune of ''Why Can't This Be Love.''
Robin started her news with a story about a woman who created Cross Fit with her husband. Robin said she divorced her husband and got $20 million out of that. Now she's marrying a man who is accused of murder. Robin said the guy maintains his innocence. Robin said the woman isn't even going to ask for a pre-nup.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he'd like to hear more of an interview with Jason Bonham. Howard said he was amazing playing those drums. He said he's playing this thing the size of an iPad. The caller said the guy is phenomenal. He said he thinks he is one of the greatest drummers. Howard said he can't believe he's never been in jail and he can't get women to look at him.
Robin read a story about the Jeff Bezos divorce and the settlement there. Robin said the girlfriend said they weren't going to be physical with each other until their divorces are finalized. Robin said Jeff is keeping 75 percent of his Amazon stock. Robin said his wife gets 25 percent and she'll be worth about $34 billion. Robin said she will be the fourth richest woman in America. Robin said that men in prison should start writing her. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he's been taking time off from the show for that thing you give up for. Robin said that's called Lent. Jeff said that's it. Jeff said he ordered his book. Howard asked where he got the money for that. Robin said he got it from them. Jeff said he ordered it from Barnes and Nobel. He said it might be the first time he's ever ordered a book. Howard asked if he has read a book before. Jeff said he has read a lot in school. He said he read The Red Badge of Courage in school. Howard said they forced him to read that. He said he should read.
Jeff asked if he's in his book. Howard said he is not. He said he features interviews over the years that he thinks are the best. He said he and Benjy aren't mentioned at all.
Jeff said the segment yesterday thoroughly disgusted him. Howard said he has to get back to news. Jeff said he liked it because it was shocking like the Howard of old. Howard thanked him for the call. He said he wishes he had more time to talk to him but they're running out of time.
Robin said Hilaria Baldwin experienced a miscarriage this weekend. Howard asked how many kids they have now. Robin said they have 4. Howard said when Alec was in there he said he didn't want more kids. Robin said he also said he likes it when the kids are born. Howard said he doesn't know how he has the energy for the kids. He said that just saying hello is exhausting. Robin had some audio of Hilaria talking about how she thinks she's having a miscarriage but she hasn't yet. The heart beat isn't very strong from what they've heard.
Robin read a story about Jenna Bush being the new permanent host of the Today show. Robin had some audio of her parents, George and Laura Bush, wishing her luck on the new job.
Robin read a story about Joe Biden making a video apologizing for his behavior toward people's personal space. Robin had some audio of him. Robin said he should just say he's sorry. Robin said if you have to go that long you're fucking up. Howard said short is better. Robin said there's some audio of him joking about hugging. Howard said he has learned to keep it short when he has to apologize to his wife about something. Howard said Trump never apologizes. He said he was even goofing on Biden. Robin said she has audio of Joe joking about touching kids. Howard took a call from Hillary Clinton Audio Book. She had some things to say about Joe Biden. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman going to court yesterday over the college cheating scandal. Robin said that Huffman has said that she has brought shame on her children and her actions were misguided. Robin said she says her daughter didn't know what was going on. Robin said she could get up to 5 years in prison. Robin asked what they should get. Howard said he's not sure what's going to happen. He said it is fucked up. He said they should have to do some time. Robin said she would hope so. She said that they have to show we're not going to put up with this stuff. Robin said she's not sure how things are going to go. Robin said Lori has some Netflix deal so they're wondering if that's going to continue. Howard said he thinks she's a bigger start than ever now. He said she used to be Aunt Becky and now she's very well known. He said he kind of feels like things are going to work out and benefit them somehow. He said maybe they should keep her in jail until her daughter gets an SAT score that she claimed she got. Howard said imagine if he was a judge. He said he'd be so good. He said he read she was signing autographs outside her court appearance.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said Hilaria doesn't even know what's going to happen so why is she going on a show before she knows. She said less is more. Howard hung up on her saying that he's getting a headache from that. Howard said he saw a picture of Hilaria in her bra and tank top. He said then he's reading about the miscarriage. Robin said it was a weird picture to put with that story. Howard said it was a real boner killer. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard let out a sigh that Robin thought sounded like he was getting fisted. Howard said he's just got a long day today.
Robin read a story about a Measles break out in Brooklyn. Robin said they may shut down a school if people continue to have their unvaccinated children going there. Robin said if you live in the city you have to get vaccines. She said if you're out in the country it's another story.
Robin read a story about how 8th graders are saying they have had sex before the age of 13. Robin said in Tennessee they have 28 percent of kids having sex before that age. Howard said if he had the internet when he was a kid he would have had more girls by that age. He said if he had a course in sex like YouPorn he would have known what to do. Robin said Ronnie didn't have porn but he got it. Howard said Ronnie is a weirdo. Howard said he didn't get laid until he was almost 17. Robin read more details about that story.
Robin read a story about lung training which is used to take people off of respirators. Robin said that they say it could help people with heart conditions. Robin said that it's a work out for your lungs. Robin said they had her do something like this when she was in recovery.
Robin read a story about a man on a motorcycle that got taken out by a flying turkey. Robin said it killed the man. Howard said he would never ride a motorcycle. He said Fred is out there doing that. Fred said you have to be aware of your surroundings. He said maybe he was doing something else. He said a lot of guys do anything but ride their bike. Robin said the impact blew the turkey to bits. Robin said he lost his leg in the crash and later died.
Robin read a story about it being tax time and said you should file even if you don't make a lot of money. Robin had some audio of someone talking about how there are many unclaimed tax refunds that people don't collect because they don't file their return. Robin said they also say that they follow people who owe money but they never tell people if they're owed a refund. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show talking about some clips Fred was laying of Goldust the wrestler with tourettes. He said that may have been his favorite show. He said that guy was great. Robin said she evaluates all of the sounds on the show. She said she wonders if you'd mistake that for fisting. Howard said he has a game like that. It's a game they'll play maybe next week.
Howard said he had a rough night last night. He said he was up at 1 in the morning. He said he watched an episode of American Idol. He said he was convinced it would put him to sleep. He said he fast forwards through a lot of it. Robin said that keeps you awake. Howard said not that much. He said he thinks their conversation about Katy Perry got to her. He said she's been behaving. Robin said she didn't say a word to Lionel the other day. Howard said he may have ruined it. He said she may have known something. He said he hates when he wakes up at 1 in the morning. He thought Robin would be up. Robin said sure she's up.
Howard said he was up tossing and turning and then got up to get something to eat. He said that puts him to sleep. Robin asked if he thinks about masturbation. Howard said he had already masturbated before bed. He said he doesn't even want to do that but he does it for medicinal reasons.
Howard said he has conversations with himself. He said he learned about himself that he was masturbating for medicinal purposes. He said that was his excuse.
Howard said YouPorn is mad at him. He said if you have an ad blocker there you get a message saying that they're going to punish you and give you less videos. He said it kind of sucks now. He said he was watching a video of a step mom teaching her daughter how to go down on a woman. He said she wasn't sure how to do it. He said they were lying to dad about it and dad is working. He said he should be in on it. He said next thing he knows they're making out and then they slap cut to them going down on each other. He said this is bullshit. He said he wants to see the whole seduction.
Howard said he had to go find another video after that. He said he finished and then he starts talking to himself. He wondered if other people do that. Robin said she has been observing herself. She said she thinks it's appropriate when the cats are in the room. Howard said he does that with his cats too. He said Beth will record it and put it on her Instagram page. Robin said she does it like she's having a conversation with the cats but she's talking to herself. Howard said that's fine.
Howard said he ate some prunes and cashews when he got up. He said he just laid there and fell asleep. He said then he had to get up for work. He said he could have had so much more sleep. He said he's not being like Benjy complaining that he can't sleep. He did his Benjy impression complaining about not being able to sleep and needing to come in later. He said he doesn't have a demanding job. He said he can sleep the other 4 days he's off.
Howard said Benjy asked him if he can work from home. He said they put a stop to that. He said he can't even talk to him anymore. He said today he forgot his pass. He said they should have sent him home to get it. Howard said you bring your pass with you. He said it's not that difficult. He said it's laziness.
Howard said for a while it was a big concern for Benjy saying he can't work there anymore. Howard said he showed up at 7am exactly. He said he doesn't like getting reports like that. Gary asked if he wants a rebuttal. Howard said no thanks. He said he and Robin are talking about this. Gary said Benjy thinks it's a one sided discussion. Howard said it's two with him and Robin. Howard said he thinks Benjy is sleeping now but he doesn't want to know. Robin said watch your work ethic.
Howard asked if she's paying someone to do her yoga for her so she can be enlightened. He asked if she Photoshopped her head on someone doing downward dog.
Howard asked if Robin read it was the 25th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death and there's a book coming out by their manager. Howard said he's not sure why they're celebrating his death. He said they only person they do that with is Jesus. He said you don't celebrate someone's death. Robin said they don't celebrate George Washington's death. Howard said the only reason they celebrate Jesus is because he came back to life.
Howard said there was a story about a guy who sexually assaulted a waitress at his own wedding. Howard said they missed that story. Robin said she didn't have time to get to that one that day. Howard said that's really awful. He said they say he exposed himself to her. He said the guy is a real animal. He said he cheated at his wedding reception by assaulting a teenage waitress. Robin asked if they're still married. Howard said he's not sure but that guy has to be put in a cage. Robin said women accept that behavior and stay with them. Howard got a note saying they are still married.
Howard said maybe the wife pulled her hair back into that tight bun. He said he has talked about that before. He said that's not a good look. Robin said she was watching a show the other day where a guy was talking about his wife gaining 50 pounds so he has to go to a prostitute for sex. He said he does have to go to Irish women because they remind him of his wife.
Robin said there was a guy who got caught cheating at his bachelor party and the wedding was stopped.
Howard said Chelsea Handler will be in today to promote her new book. He said he was out doing book promotion yesterday. He said he was wiped out from that. He said being interviewed after doing some time on the air is hard. He said he was kind of sick of himself. Howard said he got a copy of the book last night. He said it looks good and it was exciting. Robin asked when she's going to see it. Howard ended up playing a song about the book Howard Stern Comes Again.
Howard said he was walking around with the book and he's very proud of it. He said he was kind of excited about it. Robin said he could have showed her. Howard said he's not sure if he can give it to her. Robin said she's not going to say anything.
Howard said Chelsea is coming in to promote her book. He said she has a lot of celebrity endorsements. He asked Jon who wrote blurbs for her book. He said he asked 3 people to do that for him. He had Oprah Winfrey audio book clips commenting on the book. The guys had edited her audio book to say something about it.
Howard said Chelsea had a bunch of people comment on her book. Robin said she probably has friendships with those people so it wasn't odd for her to do that. Howard said he doesn't do that with people. He asked what kind of friend would do that. Robin said friends want to do things for each other. Howard said no they don't. Robin said she's sure they all wanted to do that for her.
Howard had Hillary Clinton Audio Book Clips commenting on his book. He said he doesn't think those kind of things sell books anyway. Robin said she thinks they do. Howard said Hillary said she didn't want to read the book because Bill is going to jerk off to it and stick the pages together.
Howard said the other blurb he got was from Al Gore audio book clips. He played that edited clip that sounded really robotic with so many words edited.
Howard asked if that's worth all the effort. Robin said no. She said the premise is wrong because she's shitting into a toilet. Howard explained to her how they wrote that. He said Richard puts those together. He said it's so absurd. Robin said they must have used two words to make Hillary say the word Stern. Howard said it may have been 3.
Richard came in and said it takes maybe or 3 hours to put together each one of those things. Howard said Richard had Al Gore saying ''Oprah's feces'' and he wondered where it was coming from. Richard said i comes out of the toilet so you have to shovel it. He said that it's the amount of Germany and France so it won't fit down the toilet. Robin was arguing that it's a stupid premise. Howard said that's enough of that. Richard said he's going to edit one with Al yelling at Robin.
Howard said Richard showed up to work on time today. He said he didn't have any sleep issues. Robin said Richard was telling her that he was slapped into reality when Howard mentioned H.R. the other day. Howard said he's still angry about Richard because he was in a dream he had. He said he wont even talk about that.
Howard said they made a phony phone call to a conservative radio host who is a big Trump supporter. He said they chopped up old tapes of Trump who used to be very liberal. He said they had him call in and argue with the woman about Trump. Howard played the call and the host was saying that they blame Trump for everything these days. The guys called in with the Trump clips and had him telling her that he's a democrat and he thinks Hillary is a smart and tough woman. They had him saying she's a nice person too. The host was arguing with the clips saying he's stupid. They had him saying he's pro-choice and things like that. The host said that's his business. They had Trump telling him that she's a horrible person. Then they had him saying something that sounds like ''Titties'' over and over. She hung up on them.
Howard said she was just arguing with Donald Trump. He said they were actual tapes of Trump. Robin said she didn't recognize his voice. Howard said she did not. Howard said there you have it. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Fred to turn that off. He said he's getting messed up from that. Howard said he has some stuff to get to today. He said he was reading about Robert De Niro going through a divorce and he's fighting his wife for custody of the kids. Robin said Howard said she was a lovely person. Howard said she was very nice to him. He said De Niro doesn't even talk to him. He said that he has been in random places where he sees them and the wife will come over and say hello. He said he thinks Bobby D will come over and he doesn't think the guy likes him. Robin said he doesn't know him. She said she thinks that he knows him through his reputation.
Howard said he loves this tape. He said De Niro comes out of court and he can't find his driver so he's angry. He said he says to the reporters ''Hello you scumbags.'' He said this is him trying to find his driver and he's yelling at his driver asking where the fuck he is. Howard played the clip and De Niro was asking where he was and cursing him out. Howard said he loves that tape because it sounds like a scene from one of his movies. Howard wondered if his driver is at Rick's Cabaret where his driver is.
Howard said he's been sitting on this tape for a while. He said High Pitch Erik had to go somewhere the other day and he gets this thing called Access-a-ride and he sounds like De Niro yelling at the driver. Howard played the clip and Erik was yelling at the driver asking where they are. Erik was complaining about how long it was taking to get to him.
Howard said that clip of Erik was outside of their building. He said he's not sure why Erik is in a rush. He said he has nowhere to go. Howard played the two clips of Erik and Robert asking their divers where they are.
Howard asked what happened there with Erik. Robin said he takes that ride to the show. She said it should be for going to doctor appointments.
Howard had Erik on the phone and asked if they have straightened up with him. Erik said they have. Howard asked where he was going in such a hurry. Erik said he was in a hurry to go back home. Shuli came in and said that he was out there with Erik and he heard him yelling at the driver. Howard played the De Niro clip again. He played the two going from one to the other.
Shuli said at last the driver with De Niro is picking up De Niro. He said Erik's driver is picking up High Pitch Erik. Howard asked how long he had to wait. Shuli said maybe 7 minutes.
Howard said High Pitch Erik is out of control. He said he just threatened suicide again. Howard said he was threatening to do it because they weren't letting him on the show. Erik said he has to listen. Shuli did his impression of Erik.
Howard asked Jason what Erik said to him. Jason said that he was saying he wanted to be on the show or he'd kill himself. Howard asked what Jason was just saying. Jason said Erik said he had to get on the show and yesterday's show made him want to kill himself over the Yankee game thing. Howard said if he can't get on the air he's going to kill himself too. Jason said he wanted to just deal with one thing at a time. Jason said he told him he could call into the show today. He said he backed off after that.
Howard said if he does this he's going to be the boy who cried wolf. He said if something is serious and he feels like killing himself they're not going to know. He said it's a very dangerous thing to say. Erik was mumbling so he had to be told to put the phone up. Shuli said it's the Wack Pack droop. Howard said no one can understand you when you do that. Erik said he has mental issues. Howard said he knows how to keep a phone by his mouth though. Howard asked if he's so stupid he doesn't know how to use a phone. Erik said he knows how to use a phone.
Howard said Erik is threatening to kill other people or himself and it's outrageous behavior. Erik said he was very upset about what they said on the show yesterday. He said he was at the game with... Howard said they were saying that it was amazing that he can go to a game and sit in $3,600 seats. Shuli said this is damage control. He said there are people who are upset with him for hanging out with Vinnie again.
Erik said Shuli did not show the pictures that Vinnie posted. Howard asked who cares. Erik said Vinnie got in trouble by security twice. Howard asked what he's talking about. Shuli said Vinnie was holding up signs that said ''Howard Stern Comes Again'' and some other things. They asked them not to put them up so they stopped and that's it. Erik said it's embarrassing. Howard said Vinnie is the guy getting him the seats.
Howard said no one told them that stuff yesterday. Erik said Shuli didn't bring it up. Shuli said Erik tried to cover up that he was at the game with Vinnie. He said he's suing Vinnie. He said he threatened to kill Vinnie and his family and now he's at a game with him. He said it turns out he never stopped talking to Vinnie.
Howard said shame on Erik for being mad at Vinnie. Robin said he hasn't even said anything that happened on the show that upset him. He was upset with Vinnie about all of this stuff. Howard said he's not going to be mad at Vinnie. He said he's showing up signs for the show. He said Erik wouldn't even be there without Vinnie. Erik said he's not going to anymore games.
Howard asked how Erik ate so much at the game. Erik said he had 2 hot dogs, not 3. Shuli said that's the only thing he corrected him on. He had a list of the stuff that he ate at the game. Shuli said he had 4 white wines. Erik said that's true. He said he was able to chug them down easily. Howard asked if he knows how many calories are in a glass of white wine. He said it has to be like 250 calories. Shuli said he also had 2 orders of Filet Mignon, rare. Erik said true. He had some cream spinach. Howard said that's a lot of calories too. Erik said it's a vegetable. Howard said that's right. Shuli said he had 3 sushi rolls. Erik said he did have 3 pieces.
Howard asked if Erik has to shit during the game. Erik said he didn't eat like crazy. Howard asked what else he had. Shuli said he had a salad with dressing. Howard asked how he eats so much. Erik said he had a salad with bleu cheese dressing. Shuli said he had 2 hot dogs too. Erik said it was 2, not 3. Howard asked why he ate a salad. Erik said he likes to eat healthy. Robin said he has the funniest concepts. Howard said he's limited.
Howard said it's weird that his lawyer takes him to the game and he treats him the way he does. Shuli said he was on his phone saying he wanted him to agree that Vinnie is at fault in all of this. He said he told Erik that he won't get shit from his friends for hanging out with Vinnie if he never hangs out with Vinnie. Shuli said Erik was even emailing Brent and asking him to agree with him. He said Brent doesn't agree with him either.
Howard asked if Erik's stomach hurts at all when he does this. Erik said he didn't stretch through his stomach. He said he doesn't get sick. He said he knows what he can eat. Erik said he knows when he gets full. Howard asked if he has been texting Chris Wilding to hang out with him on the weekend. Erik said he has. He said he wants to go to fist fest with him. Howard asked what he would do to him. Erik said he wants to do interviews with him. Shuli said he talked to Erik about Chris and he said he wants to do a number of things to him. Erik said he forgot what he said. Shuli said he wanted to have sex with him and marry him. He wanted to marry him to get him a green card.
Howard said he has Super Depressed High Pitch Erik on the phone. He picked up and one of the guys in the back was doing an impression of Erik complaining about all of these great things he's getting.
Howard asked if Erik is serious about the suicide thing. Erik said he just wants to get it out that he was against the signs that Vinnie was putting up. Howard asked if this guy is a real lawyer. Shuli said he is. He said he's like Wack Pack himself. He said the guy is great. Howard said Erik is a guy who chops up his shit with a hanger when it won't go down but he's embarrassed by some signs. Howard said you just have to put up with it if you want to sit there.
Howard said maybe just put up with the guy. Erik said he's not going to hang out with him anymore. Howard said he shouldn't if he upsets him so much. Erik said he has way better friends than him. Shuli said Erik tells the therapist that he wants to kill someone at the start of the session and then by the end of it he doesn't want to kill anyone.
Howard asked if he tweeted Sarah Silverman that he wants to hang out with him. Erik said he did. Howard asked if she ever gets back to him. Erik said she doesn't even follow him.
Shuli asked if Erik had any lobster tails at the game. Erik said he didn't. He said he's not into that.
Howard asked Erik why he said he would fuck Andy Cohen. Erik said he never said that. Gary said he did too. He said he would also fuck Adam Levine over Donnie Wahlberg. Erik said don't tell Jenny. Gary read the tweet and Erik said he would fuck Adam Levine. Howard said Donnie just jumped out a window. Howard said he's going to have to tell Jenny now. He said he'll have to blow him to stop him. Erik said he'll jump off a balcony if he tells Jenny. Howard said he threatens to kill himself so much that one time he said he was going to starve himself. He said he knew he was kidding. Shuli said he once said he was going to over eat Oreos to kill himself.
Gary said Erik sent them all a dick pic a couple of weeks ago. He said it's really just a belly pic. Erik said that Chris wanted to see it. Shuli said he sent it to everyone though. Gary came in to show Howard the picture. Robin said you don't even know what it is at first. She said she wondered if it was a sheet hanging over. Erik said at least his cock isn't inverted. Howard said suicide is a serious issue. He said if he does that all the time they don't know if he needs help. He said if he needs help they won't know. Erik said that's true. Howard said he has to stop doing it. Shuli said he really does because it's not right. Erik said when he's depressed he smokes about 3 cigars to relax. He said today is Wednesday so he'll watch TV until 2am tomorrow. Howard asked what this has to do with anything. Shuli asked if he's on another show. Howard said he didn't ask what he was doing today.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to tell Erik that he's getting way too full of himself and he should appreciate it. Howard said Erik is on Cameo. He asked how many he cuts a day. Erik said he did 10 the other day. Shuli said he did six at the Yankee game. he's getting $75 to do those things. Howard said Bobo is doing them now too. Erik said he helped Bobo set it up. He said he had to make a 3 way call to the woman at Cameo.
Howard said he doesn't like mentioning it in a way. He said he doesn't want to help them out. He said they have a special Wack Pack page.
Howard got Bobo on the phone and asked how many he's done so far. Bobo said he did 18 already. He said he charges $50. Howard asked what 50 times 18 is. Bobo said he doesn't get the full 50. He said it's like 37. Howard said that's a nice little income. Shuli said he likes how he says it's only 50 bucks. He's downplaying it.
Howard played Bobo's Cameo page video where he talks about what he'll do for the fans. Howard asked what he said about having matches to see which way the wind blows. Bobo said in 2012 he said he said something about being trapped like rats and he had matches to see which way the wind blows. Howard said he doesn't remember that.
Howard said this is Bobo trying to say the word ''very.'' Howard played the clip and Bobo had a very strange way of saying very and he said it like ''vevy'' or ''wevy.'' Shuli said it's different every time. Bobo said it's his Long Island accent. Howard said no one has that accent on Long Island. Howard had Bobo try to say it. Bobo said Very. He said if he thinks about it he can say it. Howard had him say ''I'm very, very happy.'' Bobo said it and it was wrong this time.
Howard said Bobo tries to work his catch phases into his Cameos. He played some clips of Bobo doing that. Bobo kept working in the trapped like rats thing and the matches thing. He also threw in a few ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' and things like that. Bobo said the fans tell you want they want you to say.
Howard said Eric Andre was fucking with Tan Mom on Cameo. Shuli said that's the kind of person that services is built for. Howard played a clip of Tan Mom reading a message for Eric Andre. Howard said this is happy Tan Mom. Shuli did his impression of her. Howard played more of her message and Tan Mom said that this person has to take tons of pictures. She said this is going to be her year and she loves you and loves you all.
Howard said it's a message for some dude and she says she loves you all. Howard said fans have fun with her and they ask her to say ridiculous things. Howard said someone asked her to help with some constipation issues. Tan Mom gave some advice on that saying that you an eat prunes and drink plenty of water and it'll be solved in an hour.
Howard and Shuli did their Tan Mom impressions. Howard asked what she gets paid. Shuli said it's 75. Howard said he's not sure what's up with Bobo and the word very. Bobo said it's the Elmer Fudd thing. Robin said he also cuts words off like for Remember he says 'member. Howard goofed on Bobo about that. Shuli said Bobo says he loves talking to the fans so he told him he doesn't have to charge people for that. He said he could be doing it for free if he likes doing it.
Howard said Bobo does the sniff thing on purpose now. Shuli said he has a theory that Bobo's wife is done with him because he's doing all of these videos in his car. Bobo said he's not driving as he's doing it. He said he goes to a remote location. He said he can't have his kid asking him a question or something.
Bobo said he was asked a question about his hair system and he's really thinking about getting rid of it. He said when he saw John Travolta he thought he would turn it all around. Robin said he's not going to look like Travolta. Howard said yes he will. Bobo said it's a gradual process. Shuli said that everyone knows that he has fake hair on his head. Howard told Bobo to put the phone to his mouth. Bobo said it's the shock factor.
Bobo said that he should have listened to Howard and taken it off before he moved to Florida. Hard said he should have.
Howard asked if Erik is done. Erik said Bobo is going to teach him how to drive. Shuli asked what he weighs now. Erik said he doesn't know. Shuli said he thinks he's close to 350. Erik said no way. Shuli said he was down to 270 or 280 and he has to be close to 350 again. Howard asked what his doctor says about the weight gain. Erik said he's not seeing him until December.
Shuli said he can't believe he went through all of this and he's throwing it all away. He said Vinnie is the guy who paid for his recovery room after the surgery too.
Bobo said that Steven Tyler is ripped these days. He said he's in great shape. He cut Shuli off to tell him that. Robin said he just said ''all the 'ears of abuse'' and he looks like that. Gary said he was trying to get that on the show the past 11 days. Bobo said he's wrong. Howard said he crow barred that into the show. Robin said it was in the flow of the talk about Erik. Bobo said he did call in a few days but i was just on Saturday that Steven did the concert. He said it's only been a few days.
Howard wrapped up with Erik and Bobo and let them go. Howard did his impression of Erik yelling for his driver. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard said there are a lot of things getting on the air on TV shows and things and they grab the audio. He said on a sports broadcast a guy used foul language. He asked where the FCC is on this stuff. He played the clip of the feed being all messed up and the guy is saying that they have to go the third channel. Then he says fuck and shit. Howard said you can't say stuff like that on the air.
Howard said on CBS they used a clip of a reporter saying fuck. He played that too. The guy was reporting on a fire and they used the unedited version of the guy's report. Howard asked how that even happens. He said later on an anchor had to apologize for that. He played that clip.
Howard said Laura Ingraham was having issues on her show and she said ''fucking'' during a live broadcast. Howard played that clip where she was asking what she's supposed to do. She said she can't hear anything. She asked what to do and eventually said they're going to lose every fucking station. Howard said he's not sure what her regular show sounds like but he likes this. Howard said they were never off the air. He said that's the funny thing. He said she's yelling at them to play a ''best of'' and that cracks him up. Robin said Howard created all of this. Howard said he knows. He said he's happy to hear someone else say it.
Howard said this is a CNN clip where a news anchor was trying to talk to a guest but he wasn't able to hear her so they kept talking over each other. Howard played the clip and the anchor kept asking questions but the guy didn't hear her so he kept talking. She asked if he could hear her. The congressman said yes after talking over her for a minute.
Howard read some email about the show yesterday with Sammy Hagar and the guys. Howard said people loved that. He said there were emails about Fist Fest and people were writing in saying that segment was great. Howard said there were people who enjoyed Fist Fest. Howard asked if the caller is going to be fisted by her husband. She said that will never happen. Howard thanked her for the call.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks he knows what his favorite interview was. Howard said go ahead. He said he'll tell him if he's right. The caller said he thinks it was the Jerry Seinfeld 2014 interview. Howard said that is wrong. He said he does love Jerry and he is in the book but that's not the best one he has ever done. The one he felt was his best. The caller asked if he gets a second guess. Howard said no.
Howard said just buy the book. The caller said he already did. He said he's looking forward to it. Howard said it's 500-some pages. He said it's a long read. The caller said he reads slow so it'll take him the summer to read it.
Howard said he has Ass Napkin Ed on the phone. He picked up and Ed didn't say anything. Howard said he's the worst caller. He said he's going to be so bummed because he finally picked up on him. Howard listened in for snoring but here wasn't any.
Howard took a call from a woman, Sarah, who said she needs some help. She said she needs to lose a lot of weight and she can't get herself disciplined. Howard said he would watch MTV at their height and watch the guys in stretch pants looking cool. He said he found motivation. He said even if it's just clothing. He asked if Sarah is married. She said she's not and her pool is small. Howard asked what she weighs. She said 400. Howard said she wants a guy. She said yes. Howard asked how old she is. Fred played a cow mooing. She said she's 5'5'' and she's 39 years old. Howard said it's now or never. Robin asked how many guys she's had in her life. Sarah said 6. Howard said they all dumped her right after. She said no. Howard said guys will do what it takes.
Howard said he would say check out magazines with hot chicks. Sarah said she's fat but not ugly. She said she's just fat. Howard said all you have to do is calories. He said 3 meals a day and no snacking. He said none of this grazing thing to keep your blood sugar up. He said eat yogurt with berries like he does. He said not a lot of granola in there. He said for lunch just eat an egg wrap. He said that's it. Robin said don't eat mayonnaise. Sarah said she doesn't eat that.
Howard asked what she's eating. Sarah said she eats chips and bread. She said she doesn't eat mayor. Howard said have some bread. He said that's fine just don't eat a lot of it. He said drink some hot water with that to fill her up. He said then dinner comes. He said he eats at 4. Robin said that's when you should eat. Howard said he eats whatever he wants for diner. He said he had Chinese last night. He said he had cashew with baby shrimp. He said he had one portion with some brown rice and he was done. Robin asked what a portion is. Howard said it's a small portion. He said he had 3 prunes for dessert. He said that's all you should eat. Sarah said she's got it. Robin said call them in a month. Howard said she'll be fucking hot guys in no time. Howard said next time she calls in Fred won't play the cow sound. Fred said he'll retire it.
Howard said a gal like her should do some jogging. Howard asked when she last got laid. She said 2 months ago. Howard asked if the guy had to put her in the doggy position. She said no. Howard said there's no way the guy could get in. Robin said she has never tried to mount a woman so she's not sure. Howard said it's very difficult. Sarah said the guy was on top. Howard said good for him.
Howard said just cut down on the calories. He said his dad used to watch TV and they would have this belt that would melt off the pounds. He said his dad would say put that belt around your mouth and it'll work. He said report back to them when she does something. Sarah said she will. She said she wanted his advice. Howard asked if she's black. She said she is. Howard said he knows when he has a black person on the phone. He said he's on her corner. She said she pre-ordered his book. Howard said good. He asked if she's light skinned or dark. She said light. Robin said what a waste of light skin as Chris Rock would say. Howard said call back in 3 months with an update. Robin said she wants to hear from her in a month. Howard said she's not going to listen to him. He said she's going to go eat after this. Howard let her go and took a break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said he has Chelsea Handler there to promote her new book. He said she's also out on a sit down comedy tour. Howard said she's very busy. He said he sees her on every show promoting this book. He asked f she's lost weight. Chelsea said she lost like 2 pounds. Howard said she looks healthy and good. She said the studio looks great. She said she hasn't been there in a while. Howard said it looks like a real studio now.
Howard asked what she's wearing. Chelsea said she was out there milking and spilled on the dress. Howard asked what really happened. Chelsea said Gary brought her some ginger ale and she was shoveling some food in her mouth and spilled. Howard said she had some bagels and cream cheese.
Howard asked if she's done belching. She said she's just trying to get it all out. Howard said he feels like he used to see her on TV every night and she was in his life. Howard said then she went to Netflix and her show ended there. Chelsea said she did 3 years there. She said when the two years was up for the show they told her to do whatever she wants. She said she's doing a documentary about privilege. Howard asked if that's white privilege. Chelsea said that there is no black privilege. Robin said Jussie Smollett seems to have found some.
Howard asked Chelsea what kind of thing she's doing in this documentary. Chelsea said she has benefited from privilege her whole life. She said that she's going to be exploring that. Howard asked if she went back to the first guy she ever banged who was a black guy. Chelsea said she got pregnant with him twice in high school. Howard said she got an abortion. Chelsea said she actually has a 28 and 29 year old. Howard said that's why she's still breast feeding and spilling on her shirt. Chelsea was kidding of course.
Chelsea said that her boyfriend ended up getting arrested a couple of times. She said that her director said she wanted to hear about her past and she told her the high school story and they wanted to go see this guy. She said she didn't want to do that. She said she has to stop bringing her past.
Howard said you might expect something to still be there but then it's a disappointment. Chelsea said that it's never going to be rekindled. She said she does think about picking up where they left off. She said he just got out of prison after 14 years though. Chelsea said she went on with her life and he went off and used drugs and got into the system. Howard said while this guy was in prison she was building her career. He asked if he was aware of that. Chelsea said that all of the guys used to watch Chelsea Lately in prison. She said he didn't tell anyone because they wouldn't have believed it. She said he has 5 children with other women now. She said he could have had 7 if she played her cards right.
Howard said this is her sixth book. He said all of the books have been on the best seller list. Chelsea said yes. Howard said when it came to promoting the book did she sit down and pick which shows she was going to do to sell books. Chelsea said yes. Howard asked if this show is good for that. Chelsea said yes. Chelsea congratulated Howard on his book. Howard asked what her marketing plan is for selling her book. Chelsea laughed. She said that it's a real check in. Howard asked what shows she did. Chelsea said she did Ellen. She said that she has to be first. Howard asked if she has the most clout. Chelsea said she might demand that she's first. She said she did Maria Shriver next. Howard asked if it gets in the way of friendships. Chelsea said she does a few different shows and she has no problems doing one over the other.
Howard asked Chelsea about Trump since she's got problems with him. Chelsea said she had such a level of outrage over that. She said she had something to be angry about. She said she's always been angry in her life. She said everyone annoys her. She said she finally had a reason for it. Howard asked if she knows why she's angry. Chelsea said she does know now. She said that's what the book is about. She said everything had come to the surface and she had a psychiatrist she talked to on her Netflix show. She said after the election she sat down and said she had to go see this guy. Chelsea said she went to him under the umbrella of finding out about her childhood. She said she just had to talk about Trump. She said she bitched about him in the sessions. Howard said she's a control freak if she tells the therapist how to do his job. She said that's how it started.
Chelsea said she wanted to be more patient and kinder. She said she wanted to be less annoyed with everyone. Howard said that's a good goal. Howard said she must be hard to be friends with. Chelsea said she's a good friend but if you piss her off you're out. Howard said everyone just annoys her. He said that has to be a horrible thing. Chelsea said she had patterns of behavior where she'd blame Trump. She said this therapist handed her an orange one day. Howard said he's shocked by that. He said that's giving her a gift. Chelsea said he handed it to her and she looked at him and thought how she doesn't like warm fruit or carbs. She said she doesn't eat sugars. She said she just kind of fell apart at the seams. She said what he helped her realize is that her brother died when she was 9. She said he told her that he was never going to leave her. She said they were like a sports team. Chelsea said that he promised she'd never leave her and she stopped believing everyone after that. She said that he was everything to her. She said that it was like rejection to her. She said she figured that he found a better sister instead of dying in a terrible accident.
Howard said that her brother left her in this world and she was super close to her. Chelsea said he was the oldest brother. Howard asked if it was difficult to write about. Chelsea said it was tough to get it out. She said now she knows it's okay to be emotional. She said she was fighting keeping it in so long. She said her father was never the same after her brother died either. She said she never went to therapy about it. Howard said she put up a wall to keep from thinking about it. Chelsea said she wasn't able to cry. She said she saw her family fall apart. She said she was the baby and they were all leaving her.
Howard said she describes her mother as someone who let anything happen. Howard said she found a six pack of beer and she just let her keep it. Chelsea said she did. Chelsea said when people let her down she can't forgive them. She said the therapist told her that she thinks that you're supposed to end things by cutting off all ties. Howard said maybe that's why it was like that with the E! network. Chelsea said she goes at everything at 100 miles per hour. She said E! annoyed her and she quit. Howard asked if there could have been a way to handle that better. Chelsea said she could have handled it better. She said it's about moving forward and being better now. She said she doesn't want to fix things now. She said she has reconnected with people. She said she has reconnected with people but not because of therapy. She said they have sat down and talked and had nice conversations.
Howard asked who she has reconnected with. Chelsea said her brother was the one she didn't connect with. She said she figured she could do everything on her own. Howard said she seemed pissed off even off the air about men. He said she was just too angry with everyone. Howard said maybe now she's ready for a big relationship. Chelsea said she thinks she is. She said she doesn't feel like a whiny bitch saying she'd like to be in a relationship. She said she thought that was weak to admit in the paste.
Howard said the brother went for a hiking trip in the Grand Tetons. He said that's pretty hard core. Howard said she was in the attic and found pictures of her brother with his head crushed. Chelsea said her dad was trying to sue everyone and the other family was one of them. She said that her father was a used car dealer so he would take every chance he could to make himself look bad. Howard asked if he's dead now. Chelsea said he is. Howard said it sounds like she has very little respect for her dad. Chelsea said she didn't have a lot of respect for him but she loved him. She said that he was very dishonest.
Chelsea said her dad sued these guys and he had pictures of her brother where he fell. She said that was evidence. Howard said when he fell someone took pictures. Chelsea said the park rangers did. Howard said then she found the pictures in the attic. He said that must have been mind blowing. Chelsea said they wanted her to testify in court. She said her mother put her foot down and said she was never testifying. She said that her dad was crazy. She said they loved Corey and her dad drove him and his family out of town.
Howard said her dad wasn't busy protecting her. Chelsea said that's what it was like for her. She said that she talks about that being the reason she did things the way she did on TV. She said it was all on her.
Howard said she talks about it like being in the womb in her book. Howard said everyone is surrounding her and paying attention to her. He said she loves that. Chelsea said she does. Howard said someone was finally taking care of her. Chelsea said she was finally being parented. Howard said she created her life so she was being treated like this. Chelsea said she has conversations with her assistant about the things in her house. She said she doesn't know where her own toaster is but she has seen it.
Howard asked if she thinks she should be doing more of her own stuff. Chelsea said she picked up dog shit the other day. She said there were two weekends where she did it. She said it felt amazing. Howard said she has people doing stuff for her around the house and they take care of her like a baby. Howard said he likes this admission. He said it's very honest.
Howard asked if she has ever used a plunger in a toilet in her house. Chelsea said she doesn't do that kind of thing. Howard said he read that she went into another room after one of her pets shit in the room. Chelsea said she did. Howard said he's getting a psychological picture that shows she was raised in an environment where people didn't pay attention to her but once she started in TV she got that attention. He said that's not real affection and love though. He said that must be an empty feeling. Chelsea said it actually is real love and they are family. She said the personal relationships she had were real. Howard asked if she would treat the people poorly. Chelsea said she may have with her assistants. She said she has been that way with them but she had to do that. She said she once hooked up a TiVo in the 2000s but she has people who do that for her now.
Howard asked Chelsea about how she would take scalding hot showers because she didn't know how to adjust the temperature in there. Chelsea said she had a cleaning lady who would do it for her. She said they'd end up taking a shower together. Howard said it's very brave for her to admit this stuff. He said he feels the same way about some of this stuff. He said she doesn't even know how to work her own shower.
Howard asked Chelsea how this shower thing would work. He asked if she'd ask her to adjust her shower for her. Chelsea said this is before she had any patience. She said she has it now. She said she's meditating now and she's on the right track. Howard said he finds this new Chelsea more attractive. He said she has a nice smile. Robin said she has a softer look now too.
Howard asked how the shower thing works. Chelsea said she would go to take a shower and she'd ask her maid to come help her adjust the temperature. She said there's room in there for more than one person. She said the listeners are going to hate her. Howard asked if she would adjust the temperature with her standing there naked? Chelsea said yes. She said she'd be there like a baby. She said she was like a 9 year old girl. She said she'd get frustrated and get into that 9 year old body type. She said she was wondering why she was acting like that.
Howard said they know now that she just wanted a parent to come in and give her a bath. Chelsea said this is just self realization. She said she didn't think she had a right to be in pain because she was successful. She said the pain was getting worse because she didn't want people to think she was weak. Howard said he gets that. He said you let all of this shit build up. He said the key question is what's attractive about being in a wheelchair and not being able to do things yourself. Chelsea said she has figured out how to use her shower and now she knows how to go to another shower and use that if she can't figure it out.
Howard said at the end of the day everyone can have problems. Chelsea said she realized that. She said she's asking herself a lot of questions about what she's doing now. She said she wants to do other things and not just one thing forever. She said she burns out ton things.
Howard said he was surprised that she walked away from the E! network. Chelsea said she didn't realize how beloved the show was until she walked away from it. She said she was there for too long. She said she had to get out of there after 8 years. She said it was like a frat house. She said it was time to get out of college.
Chelsea said she wants to take her power back now and not be reactive to things. Howard said she's upset about Trump but she had an overreaction to that. Chelsea said she thinks it was all tied into this. Chelsea said you can't let everything make you hysterical. She said it doesn't work like that.
Howard said this book is going to be hard to promote. He said she did a lot of soul searching and she's talking about a lot of things that people won't get. Chelsea said people are getting it. She said she didn't write a book for 5 years because she didn't have anything to say. She said now she has something to say. She said she wrote this without a paycheck. She said it took her 8 months to write this. Howard asked how long she was writing a day. Chelsea said she's not that disciplined. She said she took her time to write it.
Chelsea said that she's taking time off from her therapist Dan for now. Howard asked how many times a week she was seeing him. Chelsea said maybe twice a week. Howard asked if she was failing in love with Dan. Chelsea said no, he's not for her. She said that's why it worked for her. Howard asked if she found that she loved talking to him. Chelsea said he was sweet to her. She said she has affection for him. Howard asked if she thinks she has to have a loving relationship with him to have one with another man. Chelsea said she's not sure about that. Howard asked if she has ever been in love. Chelsea said he has been in stupid love. She said she was in love with Ted Harbert. She said that he was her boss though. She said if he wasn't her boss there may not have been that love.
Howard asked what it is about Ted that she loved. Chelsea laughed. Howard said he likes Ted. He asked what it was about him that she loved. Chelsea said he was a big executive. She said he put her in her job. She said that he was married and then he separated from his wife and then he came at her and she liked it. She said he was smart and had done all of these great things. He said she was taken by him. Howard asked if it was real love. Chelsea said she thinks so. She said he drove her up a fucking wall. She said she wasn't able to get away from herself because he'd play her show. She said it ended badly but they are friendly now.
Howard said he should mention the title of the book is ''Life Will Be the Death of Me: . . . and you too!.'' He said she's on this sit down tour too. You can get tickets at ChelseaHandler.com
Howard said that Chelsea has put away $250,000 for her funeral. She wants people to celebrate and she wants little people there. Chelsea said she loves little people. She said she has partied with a bunch. Howard asked if she has them over to her house. Chelsea said she does if they're doing mushrooms.
Howard said Chelsea likes to be tranquilized when she flies so she took some of her dog's tranquilizer. Chelsea said he bought a house in Spain and she took her dog there with her. She said it's a long flight. She said she had never gone on an international fight with the dog. She said she has this woman who is Russian who drives her nuts. She said she wanted to go off with her nephews and nieces but this woman won't let her be around them alone. She said that she was alone with her niece in London though.
Howard asked if she would be a good parent. Chelsea said that wouldn't be a good idea. She said she thinks that would be a mess. She said she's very selfish and she likes to be alone. She said she likes to be able to fly off to Spain when she wants to. Howard said a guy who would be with her would have to get used to that. Chelsea said she would love that. Howard said he's glad she knows that about herself. He said so many people have kids and don't know it.
Howard asked Chelsea about the dog tranquilizer. Chelsea said her dog, Chunk, takes them. She said that her brother's wife Olga is the one who annoys her. She said that she just anted to conk out on her own. She said the dog had these pills and she figured she could take one. She said she split one in half. Howard asked if she thinks that she's taking too much. He asked if she cares. Chelsea said she does think she has to be medicated. She said pot cuts her reaction down or adds to it. Howard asked if she smokes a lot. Chelsea said she uses edibles. She said that she drinks about half of what she used to. She said she stopped taking pills.
Chelsea said she took her doggy Xanax pills. She said that she had to do it because of the annoying sister in law. Chelsea said she went on the plane and she was out of his pills. She said she just reclined her seat and the dog was running around first class and foaming at the mouth. Howard said he was scared. Chelsea said that he was freaking out and she was unconscious. Howard said she's a terrible mother. Howard said she should have gotten up and taken care of that dog. He said she's right that she wouldn't have been a good mother. Chelsea said her brothers and sisters take care of the dog for her when she gets to Spain.
Chelsea said Chunk is dead now. She said she has other dogs though. Howard asked Chelsea about how long it's been since she had sex. Chelsea said it's been months. Howard said that has to be new for her. Howard asked if she has been on dates. She said she hasn't. She said people are trying to set her up now though. Howard asked about doing one of those apps. Chelsea said she has tried them. She said she has nothing against them but she hasn't used them in a while.
Howard asked if she will date a celebrity or what. Chelsea said whoever it is has to be able to ski. She said she needs someone to be as passionate about skiing as she is. Howard said maybe he can go in a toboggan. Chelsea said she's open to that. Howard asked how old the guy can be. Chelsea said she's not sure how old the guy would be. She said she can't go out with a 60 year old. Howard said 60-ish guys are gross. Chelsea said she was shown a picture of two 40 year olds kissing and the guy had a big moustache and it was the grossest picture ever. She said they're all 40 now and she thinks about that picture.
Chelsea said she skied with a guy who was 60 and he was great. She said that she needs a guy who can dominate her on the slopes. Howard said maybe Donald Trump Jr. Chelsea said she would rather hook up with a relative of her own than with that family.
Howard said he learned that she takes a lot of pride into turning people on to marijuana. Chelsea said she thinks with the educational component now you know what you're taking. She said she got off sleeping pills with cannabis. She said she was able to calm down enough to meditate. Howard asked if she took an edible before the show. Chelsea said she didn't. She said she likes to be very present.
Howard said he doesn't use that stuff. He said he has his own issues. He said he has to stop with the medication. Howard asked what she would tell him about her weed. Chelsea said she has these blueberries that have like 5 Mg on them. She said it just makes things a little bit more up. Howard said maybe he'd like that. Chelsea said that's the way she'd describe them. She said the blueberries make things easier. She said people are a little less annoying when she takes that.
Howard wondered if he could handle that. He asked her not to leave it there. Chelsea said she's going to. Howard said ask Mary about what happened when he smoked weed out there in California. He said Mary saw him. He said he can't do weed. Chelsea said she doesn't like smoking either. Howard said Jeff Bezos is single. He said she should hook up with him. Howard said he thinks she could be with a bald guy. Chelsea said she thinks so.
Howard said he thanks god he has his hair. He said imagine his face with no hair. He said it's too much face.
Howard said this is a new you with Chelsea. He said she's happier and she's doing work on herself. He said the therapy is working. He said he feels there is a lot of new you about to emerge. Robin said they're just at the beginning. Howard said it's a new Chelsea Handler.
Howard said he saw that she's attracted to Robert Mueller. Chelsea said she and Mary both are. Chelsea said she has to see the whole report to know if she'd want penetration. Howard said even with all of the nonsense going on he was staying quiet and staying steady on the job. Howard said the guy is still a man of mystery.
Howard asked if Chelsea has ever masturbated to Mueller. Chelsea said she doesn't do that. She said maybe she should try it. Robin said maybe once a week. Howard said maybe she should try it.
Howard gave Chelsea some more plugs for her book and asked if she's watched Busy Tonight. Chelsea said she likes Busy but she hasn't watched it. Howard said she's in her old time slot.
Howard asked Chelsea about when she was on The View the other day and how they had two of the women not sit in. She said that she saw Megan McCain back stage. She said that they just said it was too many women out there so they cut back. Howard gave her some more plugs and went to break.
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Hard said he sees Wendy the slow adult is on the phone but he doesn't have time. He said that he has to have her call in next week. He said he's going to be up there tomorrow actually but he's just doing book promotion.
Howard got Wendy on the phone and said he'll call her next week and have a conversation. Wendy said okay but she wants to plug someone who is going to send her $200. She said that she wants to say hi to Austin Sheckter. She said he's awesome and wants to be on the show. Howard asked if he's giving her $200 just for saying that. Wendy said yes. She said that he's paying her every time he promotes him. Howard said she has done this before and got paid.
Wendy said she's in a nursing home trying to recover from her accident with her mother. Howard said this is what he's trying to avoid here. He said he'll call her next week to get an update on all of that. He said that's a teaser. Wendy said she'll talk to them next week. She said she misses them. Howard said he imagines she has a full diaper in that wheel chair. He said he don't want to get into that.
Howard said there's a full media lock down on this. He said that she's only talking to Jason and not Shuli. Wendy said she's been mostly playing bingo. Howard asked why she's boycotting Shuli. Wendy said she doesn't have time to talk to Shuli. Howard said the nursing home sounds nice. He said they have to save this for next week. Howard let her go. Howard said he will get the full story next week. Fred played some Wendy drops before Howard moved on.
Howard took a call from Balls who said that today was great with Chelsea. Howard said Chelsea Handler is a new person. He said she has really worked on herself.
Balls asked a question about Howard's childhood that he didn't want to answer until net week. He told Balls to call in on Monday and ask.
Robin read as story about Kathie Lee Gifford talking about Howard sending her flowers. Robin said she has been looking at what's going on in Tennessee where Kathie Lee is moving. Robin said they're trying to get behind this heartbeat abortion bill there. Howard said he can't wait until all of these hillbillies can't get abortions. Robin said she saw a story about these parents who had started these kids and ended up driving them all into a river and killing them. Howard said they have to get off of this abortion thing. Robin said there's also a bill in Tennessee where they want to ban gay people from adopting. Howard said those kids would be lucky. He said this country is insane right now. He said it's very distressing to him. He said we should split this country up.
Howard said he thought about working a book promotion into the flowers for Kathie Lee. He said his wife talked him out of it. He said they would have still been talking about it if he had. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a Domino's pizza delivery guy who has only been in the country for 2 months was trying to get the pizza delivered in 30 minutes. Robin said he was on his bike with his pizza and he sees some cops chasing some guys who had pulled a woman's hair and tried to steal her purse. Robin said the cops almost got him but he got away. This guy saw the guy and jumped off his bike and he catches the guy and sits on him until the cops arrive to arrest him. Then he made the delivery in less than 30 minutes. Robin said Brent still hasn't made a citizens arrest but this guy did it 2 months after moving to the country.
Robin read a story about a good Samaritan who was at a Waffle House around 3 in the morning and he walked around the restaurant going to random tables paying for people's meals. Robin said he was handing out $20 bills. Then a couple noticed he wasn't coming over to them so the girlfriend told the boyfriend to ask why. Robin said the boyfriend got into a verbal altercation with the guy handing out the money and the guy went out and got a gun and killed the guy giving out the $20 bills. Howard said every story about a Waffle House is something like this. He said he doesn't go to Waffle Houses. Robin said she's not sure she's ever seen one. Robin said the two guys got into a physical altercation as well.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said the black guy caught them because they run like cheetahs. Robin said not everyone lives in a jungle. King said they do train against cheetahs in Africa. Robin said that's ridiculous. Howard said he's so racist. King said it's not racist. Robin said she wants that guy Fred who called in yesterday to be King of All Blacks from now on.
Robin read a story about rebuilding the atmosphere to stop global warming. Robin said big oil is betting on industries who are into carbon removal. Robin said she has a friend who is trying to make this work. Howard said maybe the guy is trying to get into her pants. Robin said it's not like that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin said Howard has ''Wake Me Up'' by Avicii in his playlist. Howard said that can't be right. Fred played it after a break. Howard said he has to go in and revise that list. Robin said she's not sure what Howard was smoking that day. Robin asked if he's going to try those edibles. Howard said he asked Chelsea not to leave that stuff there. He said that's just not for him. Robin said he doesn't know until he does something. Howard said everyone wants him to take pot. He said he's not going to do it. Howard asked why he'd want to escape this reality, it's so great.
Robin read a story about a list of the greatest American rock bands. Howard told her to read it to him. Robin said at number 10 was Heart. Howard said he likes Heart but he's not sure about the top 10. Robin read more of the list which included Aerosmith, Van Halen, ZZ Top, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Bruce Springsteen, The Eagles, Creedence Clearwater Revival and The Beach Boys. Howard asked who put that list together. Robin said it was just some list on the internet. Howard said the Allman Brothers should be on here. Robin said Jimi Hendrix was number 18. Robin said the Allmans were number 15. Howard said this is ridiculous. Robin said he had KISS at number 11. Howard asked where Metallica was. Robin said it wasn't even on the list.
Robin read a story about an artist named Billie Eilish who made it on the billboard charts with a number 1 album who was born in the 2000s. Robin said she's only 17 and she has Tourette's syndrome. Robin said she started out as a dancer and she writes songs with her brother. Robin had some audio of her. Howard asked where the sounds are. Robin said she has ticks. Robin had some audio of some of her songs. Howard said he likes Goldust's Tourette's better. Robin said she's only 17 with a number 1 album. Fred played some sound drops over the songs that Robin had Howard playing.
Howard took a call from an artist who says he has Tourette's and wants to sing. One of the guys in the back was doing the impression of a guy who cursed a lot in the song.
Robin read a story about a book that's out about The View. Robin said Rosie O'Donnell is saying she's sorry she sat down with the author.
Robin read a story about Oprah's new book which is called ''The Path Made Clear.'' Howard said he'd like to know if she has any wisdom for real. Robin said when you go up against Oprah for anything you can't win against her. Robin said she has donated $2 million to the Puerto Rican hurricane recovery effort. Robin had some audio of Oprah for Howard to play. Howard did a live commercial read during that story. Robin had more clips for Howard to play. She had one of Oprah talking about her book being a good graduation gift. Howard said never mind that, his book is a good graduation gift.
Robin read a story about Sara Gilbert announcing that she's leaving The Talk. Robin said she was one of the founders of the show. Howard said the idea was to rip off The View. Robin said she thinks she just wanted a show that wasn't so political. Robin had some audio of Sara making her announcement. The audience let out a yell when they heard that. Sara said she thinks her life was out of balance doing that show and The Connors. She wants to spend more time with her kids. Howard said they rioted in their neighborhood when they heard the news. Howard said he thinks she shouldn't leave the show. Robin said she's got other things going on. Howard said she should get rid of the other bullshit and stick with The Talk. He said he likes looking at her on The Talk. He said there's something really fascinating going on there. He said she doesn't say much either. He said it's kind of interesting. Robin said the time she did that show she spent her time concentrating on her. She said she's not the big talker on here though. Robin had some audio of Sharon Osbourne getting emotional after the news. Sharon was in tears. Howard said he doesn't get tears like that around there. He said he has to retire just to see who cries. Robin said they've seen Sal's reaction. Howard said Sal was nervous he wouldn't find a job. Fred said he was shaking. Howard said anyone who doesn't cry will be fired.
Robin read a story about Jack Osbourne being attacked in a coffee shop over the weekend. Robin said this man who appeared to be homeless sucker punched Jack in the side of the head. Robin said he got up and threw his coffee on the person and he ran away.
Robin read a story about Lori Loughlin not taking a deal in the college entry scandal. Robin said she's not getting that she's going to do jail time from what people are saying. Robin said the new charges they filed include money laundering. Robin said that could carry a 20 year sentence. Robin said someone had better get a hold of her and give her some straight talk. Robin said both she and her husband could end up getting jail time. Robin said Felicity Huffman will enter her guilty plea on May 24th.
Robin read a story about Magic Johnson announcing he's stepping down from being the president of the Lakers. Robin said he's been with them a very long time. She said that he's a very popular man. Robin said he announced he doesn't want the job anymore. She said he said it was stifling him and he wasn't happy anymore.
Robin read a story about doctors finding bees in a woman's eye feeding on her tears. Robin said this was in Taiwan. Robin said it was four bees living under her eyelid. Howard said he doesn't even know what to say about that. He asked if that's what they mean by bug eyed. Robin said it will be now. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Today's show was over around 11:15am.
Today's show was over around 11:20am.