|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard and the guys were back live this morning. Howard started the show talking about how they're back live. He said they're getting reamed for the reruns. Howard said he has explained many times that they take the majority of their vacation off in the summer so he can go work on America's Got Talent. Howard said they're on the air today and on the air next week for 2 days. He said they'll be back to their regular schedule when AGT is done in a couple of weeks. Howard said he puts himself in a box until it's time to do another show.
Howard wondered where to start after being gone for a week. Robin told him to begin at the beginning. Howard said he doesn't remember the beginning. Robin said she was wondering if he could remember that. She told him to begin with his first memory. Howard said his first memory is when he was 5 when he shit his pants in kindergarten. Howard said he remembers being in kindergarten and having to go to the bathroom or something. He had a ton of shit in his underwear. Howard said he may have buried it in the back yard or something. He said his mother never taught him how to wipe properly. He said he must have been excited to get back to playing or something. He said his mother would wash it in the sink and his shit pants would be in the sink soaking. He said it was embarrassing.
Howard said maybe they should move on. Robin said something pleasant would be nice. Howard said he masturbated to baby sitter porn last night. He said he goes to YouPorn to watch and he knows there's something else called Brassers or something. He said he wasn't going to go to baby sitter porn because it is weird. He said none of the others get him off. He said they have new stuff on the front page and you see what other people are watching. He said it's mostly cream pies. Howard said he's not sure he wants to know. Gary told him to have Sal tell him. Howard didn't want to know.
Howard said he tries to watch other stuff where they try to trick the girls into thinking a guy is an agent or something. He said he doesn't like that. Howard said he thinks it would be appealing to him but it isn't. He said there is a hot chick who gets tricked though. He said she's blowing the guy after 2 seconds so it goes down to easily.
Howard said he wanted to get done with this stuff quickly but he went limp. JD came in and interrupted and said there's one where a taxi driver is driving a girl around and she doesn't have money so he suggests that she pay him in another way. Howard said that might interest him. He told JD to send him an email to remind him about that. JD said he would do that. Howard said he's ashamed of himself over that.
Howard said he started at 9:15 and things weren't getting done. He just typed in Baby Sitter and got busy. He said he watched the same one he's watched a million times. He said the girl playing the baby sitter is way too old to be one. He said they're in a kitchen and the girl said that the husband palmed her ass and she was afraid the wife would find out. The wife wasn't home so the next thing you know her leg is over the kitchen counter and then the guy is sucking on her ass. He said he was off to the races and he was done a short time later. He said he's embarrassed by the whole thing. He said he's a judge on a family TV show. Howard said he's disgusted by this cream pie thing. He said he's not sure how anyone can get off to that.
Howard said people were saying he was grumpy last week. He said that he really wasn't. Howard said that he was telling people why they weren't going to go through on the show. Howard said he feels like he's doing them a favor. Howard said he knew the singer guy blew it. Howard said he has a good voice but he got enamored with Mel B and sang a Spice Girls song. Howard said he felt he had to tell him why he bombed. Howard said he was busy with a Mel B song that didn't suit him. Howard said the people watching at home don't care about Mel B.
Howard said when it was his turn he told him to stop his madness. Howard said he thinks that people ignore the other judges. He said that they listen to him. Robin wondered if Howie telling people to vote actually makes a difference. Howard said it does. He said the producers tell them to make sure they tell people to vote. Howard said they get upset when someone is good and they don't make it through because of the voting.
Howard said that the guy from Sons of Anarchy just got the part in 50 Shades of Grey. Howard said it must be a low budget film if they're casting him. Howard said they weren't able to get any big stars to do it from what he's read. Howard said he forgets the guy's name. Robin said it's like Charlie Hunnam or something. Howard said he was good in Pacific Rim and in Sons of Anarchy.
Howard said that they should bring back the F-Emmys. He said they could call them the SiriusXMmys or something. Howard said that the special was hysterical. He said he was laughing his ass off.
Howard said she has huge boobs. He said he's looking at a picture of her and there's a guy eating her out and he didn't even realize it. Howard said the big boobs are not hot. Howard said she's a pretty girl though.
Howard said they should Photoshop JD's head onto that guy's head. He said they had better take that shot down because he's going to obsess on it.
Howard said MTV hasn't shown music videos in ages so he's not sure why they still have these awards. He said they should just have girls showing their assholes and vaginas and that would be something he'd watch.
Howard said he's not embarrassed to say that he likes some pop songs. He said Katy Perry's song is a very well crafted song. He said he was reading Bob Lefsetz's column and he was talking about the pop songs and how they pick and record the songs. He said that's how they come up with the very catchy tunes.
Howard ran down the top 5 songs that included Robin Thicke, Lady Gaga and others. The Katy Perry song was in there too. Howard said he always thought that the singers wrote their songs but they actually have a whole team that writes. Howard said that's what Bob Lefsetz was saying in his column. Howard said number one is still Blurred Lines. Howard said that's been up for a long time. Howard said they play that song at AGT sometimes and people get up and start dancing. He said even he does that. Howard said he was dancing with Perez Hilton. He said that's how crazy it is. He said it's very catchy. Howard said he bought the song and put it on his iPad.
Robin said she can't believe that they brought back that guy who sings the ''Booty'' song. Howard said he hit his X on them. Howard said they don't even show it on the show though. Howard said they're never prepared for him to hit it when he does. Howard said that's the best part of the show.
Howard said he was so annoyed when he hit the X and no one cares. Howard said the song is not good. He said that's what he told the guy. He said it's over already. Robin said he would be good on a sitcom or something. Howard said the guy has a lot of energy.
Howard said American Idol was having trouble getting judges. He said they got J-Lo back. Howard said they got Randy back and they tried getting people like Will.I.Am back but he didn't want to do it. Howard said they went through a few others and they passed. Howard said they ended up with Harry Connick Jr. Howard said they're going to have a Frank Sinatra impersonator as a judge on that show now. Howard said they tried to get Captain Sully Sullenberger but he didn't want to do it.
Howard said the big thing in the news is this thing with Syria. Howard said he doesn't even understand the whole thing. He said he knows that this guy, Bashar al-Assad, is trying to kill his people with chemical gas. Howard said that we're thinking about dropping bombs over there but where do you drop them? Howard said that people want us to interfere but then they don't. He said that it's not clear what's going on. Howard said some people think that Obama is asking Congress about this so he can eventually bomb Iran. Howard said Obama has put himself out there that he has to do something and he's not sure that's the right thing to do. Howard said if things go kablooey then it's not just his fault.
Robin said the biggest news is Dennis Rodman going back to North Korea. Howard said he has to. He said that things are going crazy in the world and Rodman has to go there to smooth things over. Robin said he's over there talking about basketball. Howard said this kid Kim Jong Un who is running the country just had one of his ex-girlfriends killed by a firing squad because she did porn. Howard said that's one reason you don't go over there to talk about anything other than basketball. Howard said this guy has a whole military behind him. He said that Robin can't date him because she might get killed.
Howard said it shows how backward that country is. Howard said in Korea if you make a sex tape they kill you. If you do that here then you get a fragrance and become a star.
Howard said Valerie Harper is going to be on Dancing with the Stars. Howard said he thought she only had a few weeks to live. Robin said she never said that. She said that she was ill and she's still going. Howard said if they tell you that you have a year to live would you spend it on Dancing with the Stars. Robin said she's not sure about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Howard's opinion on Ben Affleck playing Batman in the next movie. Howard said he remembers going back in history when they announced that Tobey Maguire was going to play Spider-Man people went nuts. He said then Heath Ledger was going to play The Joker and people were up in arms. He said Ben played Daredevil and didn't do a good job. Howard said the script was shitty though. He said that movie wasn't well done at all. Howard said Ben was great in Argo. He said that he is a good actor. Howard said they'll just have to wait and see how it goes. Howard said he might be good. Howard said he might shock everyone.
The caller said he can't even think of anyone else being Iron Man now that Robert Downey Jr. has done it. The caller asked if Howard can think of anyone else who could play the part. Howard said maybe Harry Connick Jr. could do it. He said he seems to be on a roll right now.
Howard said people were shocked when he took on the AGT judging thing. Howard said people pulled him to the side and said he was away above that. Howard said at this point he just does whatever he wants. He said a lot of people turn down these shows. Howard said they're worried about their credibility. Robin said it can work out badly for some people.
Howard said he watches a lot of comedy specials and Wanda Sykes did one. Howard said she did that on the Oprah Winfrey network. Howard said he tried to watch that interview with Lindsay Lohan but he didn't care about it. He said it flopped.
Howard said he was watching a Kevin Nealon comedy special and he was so fucking funny. He said he's never seen him do stand-up before. Howard said he thinks he was under utilized on Saturday night Live. He said that his special was called Whelmed but Not Overly.
Howard said he was trying to listen to Jim Florentine's radio show. He said that's Robin's ex-boyfriend. He said he's friends with him on Facebook and saw that he had a radio show. Howard asked if he should drop him. Robin said she's not sure about that.
Howard said Jim did an interview on Ozzy's Boneyard and Jim was doing the show with David Lee Roth. Howard said he loves Van Halen so he wanted to listen. Howard said that he loves David and Sammy Hagar too. Howard said Jim says on the Facebook page that he was doing this show so he set his calendar to listen. Howard said it wasn't on when he went in there to listen. Howard said it turned out it had already aired. Howard said Jim said it was supposed to air again at 9am on Saturday. Howard said he was going to sit at home and listen to it but it never came on. Howard said he got upset over that. Howard said that's why he's angry at Robin's ex-boyfriend.
Howard said he was so excited about this Metallica thing. He said they're coming into this studio to perform two songs. Howard said Gary gave him the task of choosing two songs that they would perform. Howard said it's an impossible task. Howard said he was laboring over it the whole weekend. Howard said he loves that song ''One'' and he was wondering if the audience would be into that. Gary said he went with ''Enter Sandman'' and either ''One'' or ''Nothing Else Matters.'' Howard said those guys are consumed with war and things like that. Howard said he remembers when ''One'' came out on MTV. Howard said he came in late to being a Metallica fan. He said he was asked to present them an award and he was honored by that. He said it was their first time being honored on the channel. Howard said he came floating down as Fartman that night. Howard said that ruined the whole thing for those guys. Howard said he had no idea he was ruining the night for those guys. Howard said Lars put his foot up his asshole that night. Howard said he still has nightmares about it.
Howard said when you hear that song ''One'' you realize it's about a guy who had his arms and legs blown off. He lost his sense of smell and his ability to speak. Howard said the song is about being imprisoned in your own mind. Howard said the song is so great and they're going to perform it live in there. He said that's beyond his comprehension. He said he thinks that they're up there with the Beatles.
Richard Christy came in and Howard asked if it's true that he's willing to eat his own cum to meet them. Gary said that's true. Richard is willing to take a shot glass full of it. Howard said he heard that he was going to swallow Jose Mangin's cum too. Richard said he didn't say that. Gary said that he was talking about doing a snowball where he would drink his own and mix it with Jose's. Richard said that wasn't his idea. Richard said he was going to just do a shot of it. He said JD thought about cooking it into something.
Richard said he can cry when he thinks about this song ''One.'' He said the song is so heavy. Howard said he was going through this all weekend. Howard said they have to do ''One'' when they come in. Richard said he thinks they do. Howard said James must have written this one. Richard said James and Lars wrote most of their stuff. Howard and Richard talked about how the writing process works and who came up with what in the band.
Howard said he gets the chills when he hears the song. Fred was playing ''One'' and Howard said he can barely get through the song. He said he has to turn it off because it gets so tense. Howard said he may have to eat his semen too just to meet the band. Howard said the song is such a beautiful song. Richard said he can't even fathom it.
Howard asked Richard if he's going to the show in Harlem. Richard said if he can get tickets he will. Howard said he has 5 pair to give away. He said this song really is beautiful.
After the song Howard said that he's not sure if they should have them play that or not. Howard said he's not sure if everyone in the audience would be into it. He said maybe they should just say fuck the audience and have them play what they want. Howard had Fred play ''Nothing Else Matters'' next. Howard said the guys are going to play in Harlem at the Apollo theater on September 21. He said that's how he got tickets to give away.
Howard said he read that James was kind of embarrassed to play this song for the guys because it was too wimpy but they ended up liking it. Howard said it's a ballad but it's really good. Howard said they're going to have a good time when they come in. He said he has so many questions for them. Richard said he has a bunch of questions of his own.
Howard said he was reading about how fucked up James Hetfield's life is. He said that his family was against science and when his mother was dying they just prayed for her and didn't get her any medical attention. That led to Howard and Richard talking about the songs James has written about god and how he failed him and things like that. Howard had Fred play ''Sad But True'' for a minute.
Howard TV showed some video of Wendy bowling and she was huge according to Robin. Howard said she was going through the dumpster at one point. He said she was dumpster diving. Jon came in and said that she does go dumpster diving and then she'll give the homeless guy money if she sees him out in front of the grocery store. He said then she'll go back and go dumpster diving.
Jon said Wendy was talking about losing 100 pounds and she showed him her bedroom. He saw something on her be which was a box of donuts. He said they were all half eaten. He said she'll put the half back into the box and not finish it. He said she'll just put it back and go back to sleep. Howard said he saw the whole episode and he could watch 10 hours of that. Howard said he had no idea she was so into the radio show and that she's very defensive of him. Howard said that she hates Ronnie the Limo Driver for talking back to him. He said that's not that retarded.
Howard said he saw Wendy hit a few strikes in the bowling segment. He said that she wasn't using bumpers either. Howard said she just throws it wildly down the lane. He said it lands like a nuclear bomb. Jon said she has to eat her hamburger after every throw too. Howard said she has a huge Big Gulp in every scene too.
Howard said what's great about Wendy is that she doesn't try to hide her eating. Howard said she's retarded so she doesn't try to hide it from anyone. Howard said she was taking a walk with Jon and she eats through the entire walk. Jon said she's such a pure person. He said her purity and spirit is just amazing.
Howard said she's down to one tooth like Beetlejuice too. Jon said she has one tooth and it's in the front. He said he didn't have the heart to ask her about her teeth. He said the teeth are gone from the sugary drinks. He said that's pretty well understood. Howard asked if she maintains that one at all. Jon said he did see a toothbrush in the bathroom but that's as far as he got. Robin asked if she can eat steak or anything. Jon said she has no trouble eating and he saw her eating a lot of things.
Howard said he admires her eating as much as she did. Howard said that she's not trying to hide it either. Jon said it's a very interesting story to hear. Howard said the special is great and Jon did a very good job with it. Howard said the man is on fire.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they have to do ''One'' when they come in. He said there are a bunch of amazing songs. Howard said that most people know the Black album so that's why he's thinking of having them do one of those songs. Howard thanked the caller for his suggestion of having them do ''One'' and ''Sad But True.''
Howard said he has to think it through and come up with it later. Gary asked if Richard will eat his cum. Howard said he doesn't want him doing that. He said he does want him to drink beer through his ass when George Takei is in there. Richard has no problem doing that.
Howard said he was listening to Richard's dad's latest message that he left for Richard. Howard said that he was talking about eating frog legs. Howard said that the animals out there must be afraid of him. Mr. Christy was talking about Mrs. Christy keeping a crawdad as a pet. Howard said it's weird how they just adopt a pet like that. Howard said Fred lived kind of like this but Fred said it wasn't at the point where they had to kill possums to live.
Richard said all of that stuff brings back good memories. He said it reminds him of when he was a kid. Richard said they have never had skunk but you can have it if the stink sack doesn't burst. Howard and Fred goofed on Richard by doing their impressions of him for a few minutes.
Howard said the porn chick Lisa Ann is there. Howard said they'll come back with her after the break. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked if Lisa was very sexually active. She started stripping at 16. She said she had a fake ID to do that. She said she was about 17 when she did her first gang bang. Howard said he wouldn't want to be in the room with other guys while they're banging her. Lisa said that was the problem.
Howard said Lisa played Sarah Palin in the movie ''Nailin' Palin.'' Lisa said she had a good fun four years showing up at places as Sarah Palin. She said she was at the Doll House in Tampa last year and she dressed up as Palin. She said that she was answering a lot of serious questions as her.
Howard said he likes to beat off to baby sitter porn. He asked if she's done any of that. Lisa said she has been the mother where she finds the baby sitter having sex with a boy. Howard said they actually have a clip. They played that and Howard said he has to watch that. Howard said the baby sitter in the porn he watched last night looked like she was 40. Lisa said she's 41 now. Howard said she looks young. He said she doesn't look old. Lisa said she doesn't party. She said that hasn't consumed her. She said she likes to eat good food and things like that.
Howard asked Lisa about the MILF porn she's doing. She said that's a big thing now. She said that she took a break for a while from the porn. She said she was feature dancing for a while. Lisa said that there was an HIV scare in 1997 so she took some time off. Howard said there was another scare just recently. Lisa said that it is something you think about all the time. He said there is that risk but you have to take it.
Howard asked why people don't want to see the condoms in porn. Lisa said she thinks it's something about what we're used to in this country. She said it is different in Europe.
Howard said Lisa tried to get her own gang bang going at 17 but that was a failure. Lisa said everyone came over but no one did a good job. She said it was a good lesson. He said she learned that everything guys say they can't follow through with. Howard said he can't bang a woman with other guys in a room. Howard said he has no desire to watch a guy bang a chick before he bangs her.
Howard asked what's going on with JD and Lisa. Lisa said she's into fantasy football. Howard asked her some questions about football to find out if she's really into football. Lisa claims she is. Howard asked her a few and she did know a lot more than he thought she would. Howard said he was impressed.
Howard said he guesses it's a real thing. Lisa said she's starting her own Fantasy Football show on Sirius soon. Howard said he thought it was all bullshit but she does seem to know about it. Lisa said Pilar Larstra is another one who is into it. Howard said Will felt that she wasn't into it. Lisa said she didn't know that. She said she thought Pilar was really good.
Lisa said that she likes fantasy basketball more than football but she is into the football thing too. Howard asked if she's into it for the money. Lisa said it can be exciting to play and have your own team and not be so upset about your real team losing.
Howard had JD come in. Howard said it's kind of pathetic the way he handles this whole thing. Robin said it's like JD has a fantasy relationship. Howard said he has a while fantasy life. Howard said that Lisa is looking at JD like she wants to find him attractive but she can't. Howard said she must have like 50 guys in her life. Lisa said she has had a lot of guys but she's dating one guy right now. She said that she's still shooting and doing other things right now so she can't make JD her man. Howard said she could make him her 51st guy.
JD said he knows that she works in adult films. He said that's fine. JD said he tries to stay out of the friend zone. He said that he'll ask what's going on and what's up. JD said with Lisa he went a different way because he figured that guys are trying to fuck her all the time. Howard asked how often they write. Lisa said they'll write 3-5 days a week and they'll sometimes go back and forth for an hour or so. Howard asked if she has ever sexted with him. She said she has not. She said she doesn't charge him either. JD said nothing sexual has gone on. JD said he's still going after other girls too. He said he's not trying to make anything happen with Lisa.
Howard said JD wanted to get Lisa on their fantasy football league. JD said he wanted to look at her at their meetings.
Robin said she feels sad for JD. She said this is a pipe dream and he's wasting his time. JD said he wastes his time with a lot of other things. Howard asked if he could date Lisa Ann. JD said he'd like to try. Howard asked if he thinks he could marry her. JD said he doesn't know her that well. Lisa said she has no criminal record and no DUIs or anything like that. JD said that's fine so lets go get married.
Howard asked what turns him on about her. JD said she has a great body and she's beautiful. He said that's what he likes about her.
Howard asked if she does the same stuff in her real life that she does in porn. Lisa said her life is very ordinary. She said she doesn't do the same thing in her real life that she does in porn. Lisa said that she'd be into some of the stuff depending on how good the guy is. JD said he's been told he's good at oral. Howard said most chicks tell him that he doesn't have to do that and they just want to fuck.
Howard asked Lisa about doing Chris Brown. Lisa said he's pretty well endowed. She said that his cock is pretty big. Howard asked if he's as big as Mandingo. Lisa said no one is as big as him other than John Salley. She said she was in pain the time she had sex with him. She said that there is no putting it in your mouth because it's so big. She said that she'll ask him to do scenes with her but he won't do it.
Howard asked Lisa more about Chris Brown and why she thinks Rihanna goes back to him. Lisa said she has seen that a lot with women. She said that if they go back they know what they're in for. Lisa said she was with Chris pre-beating.
Howard asked if 6 inches is too little for her now. She said it's really not. She said that you just enjoy that six inches. Howard asked what her boyfriend has. She said she didn't want to say. Howard asked if he's famous. Lisa said she's not saying. She said they've only been on a few dates and she's not going to say who it is. She said it's possible they could know who it is. She said that she made him dinner yesterday. Howard asked if he knows that she's a porn star. She said he does. Howard asked if he has banged her. She said he has.
Howard asked about Chris Brown and if his penis hurt her. She said that it wasn't as thick as John Salley. She said that she's not sure how his wife could take it. She said that he has kids. Howard asked how much of it he was able to put in her. She said that it's about 1/8th of it. Howard said that thing must be huge. Howard asked if that's satisfying to her. Lisa said it was more of a freakish thing than anything.
Gary came in and said that JD is all over the place with this subject. He said that JD says he doesn't want to date porn chicks because regular chicks aren't into that. JD said that he's very realistic in the sense that she's not looking to date him. Gary said that he's willing to have sex with her though. JD said there is a stigma. Lisa said that they talk so casually together and they have a great rapport. She said all of her friends tell her to just have sex with him. She said they can't do that though. She said she does have a TV night planned with him though.
Howard asked if she's been offered money. Lisa said she was offered $200,000 to have sex. She said that she didn't do it. Howard said that's wild. He asked if she's a millionaire. She said she might be. Howard asked how she does that. She said she has a lot of things going on. She said she brought in a Fleshlight for JD. She said she's giving JD her vagina this time. Next time she'll give him her vagina and ass. JD said he has tried them before but there's something really weird about it. Howard said guys can use their hand and it's just as good.
Howard gave Lisa some plugs and said you can hear her show ''Lisa Does Fantasy'' on September 9 on channel 210 on Sirius and 87 on XM. Howard said her movie MILF Revolution is also out.
Howard asked if Lisa does gang bangs. She said she just did one called ''Lisa Ann's Black Out.'' She said that maybe she should do a fantasy auction league and have someone win all. She said that way JD could possibly win sex with her. JD said he doesn't like auction leagues. Howard said if he loses then John Salley would have to bang him.
Howard said he's not sure what JD is doing with this girl. He said she's obviously sending out the wrong signals.
Howard asked JD how many times he's beaten off to her. JD said he watched a porno of her's this weekend and he didn't have the right feelings toward her. He said that he didn't want to jerk off to her. Lisa said that he has written to her saying that he had just jerked off. JD said that hasn't happened. Lisa said he has drunk texted her at least once. JD said he's a single guy so what is he supposed to do?
Howard gave Lisa some more plugs and asked if the guys in the fantasy league were interviewed for 60 Minutes. JD said they were doing a story about Matthew Berry. Gary said JD came in a suit that looked like it was balled up in a corner so Tiki Barber was goofing on him and that should air on CBS Sports. JD said he can't wait for that to happen.
Howard asked if Lisa would let JD call her and jerk off to her. Lisa said he does that with other girls but he won't be doing that with her. Howard wished JD luck with that whole thing. Howard asked if her boyfriend is jealous of JD. Lisa just laughed. JD told her she didn't have to laugh that hard.
Howard said maybe Lisa can give JD a blow job or something. Lisa asked how long he thinks he could last. JD didn't get a chance to answer. They were goofing on him so much he didn't get a chance. Robin wondered if he would want to follow John Salley after hearing that story. Howard said that JD has a pretty big penis from what he's heard. Lisa said that JD has his own style that is very Larry David-esque. Howard asked if she wanted to smell under his balls. Lisa asked JD if he's alright. JD said he's fine. Howard asked if she's sniff his balls. She said she's not going to do that. Howard asked if she would just blow some wind on his balls. JD said he's not going to do that. Howard said he thinks that he'd cum if she just blew some wind on his balls.
Howard asked JD to lay next to her on the couch. JD said he didn't want to do that. JD went over to the couch to get some stuff that she brought him. Howard said he bets he'll blow a load just sitting with her. JD said he's not getting a boner. Howard said JD's head is like 3 times the size of her's. She said it must be full of brains.
JD wasn't having a good time with everyone sitting around watching. Howard said she was rubbing his man boobs. He asked what cup size he was. JD said he's done. He told her no more poking. Howard asked if he's hard. JD said that he's not. He did have something hard in his pocket that turned out to be a pen. JD said he had a work ID and a Metro card in there too.
Howard wrapped up with Lisa and said JD got some physical contact there. He said that was good. JD said that was fine. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who asked if he's slimming down for his Maxim shoot. Howard asked what he's talking about. Howard said he's just trying to fit in his clothes. Howard said he and his wife were having lasagna the other day and he figured he fucked up eating as much as he did. He said he went and ran 5 miles just to run it off.
Howard said Ray Donovan may just be up there with the Sopranos. Howard said it's such a great show. Robin said John Voight is great in the show. Howard said the greatest scene is when John Voight is talking to Rosanna Arquette and he's on the couch talking to her. He said that she tells him that he's too old for her. She said she might blow him if he put a gun to her head and Voight goes and gets a gun. He said it's such a great show. He said Liev Schreiber is great in the show too.
Mark said he can't wait for Metallica. Howard said that's going to be great. Howard said they will have a bunch of people working on the mix that morning so it'll sound good. It won't just be Scott.
Mark asked if they're going to make this Metallica thing an elitist thing or will real fans get to go. Howard asked if he's a big Metallica fan. Mark said he is so Howard gave him tickets. Mark told Howard he's the best. Howard said he doesn't have as big a cock as John Salley does so he's not sure about that.
Howard put Mark on hold and told the guys to give him tickets. Howard said he was looking up on the internet who dated John Salley and they mention Robin Quivers. Robin said they're just friends. She said she never dated him. She said they're just friends. Howard asked if she knew his cock was that big. Robin said she had no idea. She said she was completely shocked. Robin said they did the celebrity race together and that's it. Robin said she wouldn't be able to handle that cock.
Howard asked how big she's had. Robin said maybe 10 inches. She said that was almost impossible. She said she was only able to take a little more than half of that. She said it was a nightmare. Howard asked why that is. Robin said it hurts. Howard asked if she makes a sound when that thing goes in there. Robin said that there is a recoil. Robin said this was a guy she grew up with and he was a little guy. She said it was so shocking. Robin said most of him was penis. Howard asked if he just took his clothes off. Robin said it just appears like any other guy.
Howard asked Robin if he pulls his pants off or did Robin do it. Robin said he took his pants off and it was dark in the room but she could see it. She said it was like another person in the room. She said he had no impression of it before that. Robin said when it comes out she's like ''Oh my goodness!'' Robin said she figured it was supposed to work because he is human. Howard asked if she was using her hand on it. Robin said it's scary. She said it's like trying to accommodate a tank in there. Howard asked if she had to get some lube. Robin said she was too young. Robin said that she wasn't sure if it was normal or not. Howard asked if he mounted her missionary. Robin said he did. Howard asked if she dries up because it's so big. Robin said that would be a nightmare. Robin said the head is usually okay but he was so thick that it was tough just after that. Robin said she had to try and loosen up there.
Howard asked if she had to ask him not to put so much in. Robin said she was with another person who she had to ask to go slow at first. She said she wasn't able to take it. Howard said no one has ever said that to him. He said if only a girl would say that to him.
Howard asked if Robin thinks about the big penis guy and fantasizes about it. Robin said it was painful so no she doesn't. Howard said he would love to have 9 inches himself. He said he has never heard a girl say ''Slow down Howard.'' He said they tell him to hurry up and get it done. Howard said he scares people but for different reasons. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard said he loves how the guy gets thrown. He said it sounds like Sal and Richard are calling a radio show from the 1940s. He said it sounds like it's for the farming community. He said even the music they play isn't contemporary. Robin said it sounds like something from the Mike Douglas Show. Howard said they're from the Music Video Awards from 1934.
Howard said Sal made an appearance on the Wrap Up Show and he's never heard the English language used this way. Howard said Jon Hein did a show last week after the F-Emmy vacation special and this is what happened. In the clip Sal was talking about Ronnie and wondered how he's going to live with the humility. A caller called him out on it and Sal thought that humility meant humiliation. Howard said that was a good one.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks. King said Beth was in the Daily News today. Howard said he saw that. He said she went to this thing out in the Hamptons and got all dolled up for it. Howard said she went and there's a giant picture of her in the paper today. He said it's a very pretty picture. Howard said she's such a great person.
Howard said if you want to do something nice to help the North Shore Animal League then get one of the calendars. Howard said if everyone buys just one then they'll be able to buy a new facility where the cats can roam free. Howard said this whole thing they need millions of dollars for. Howard said please go to HowardStern.com for the link. He said it's a charitable donation. He said you will go to heaven if you buy one. He said he guarantees it.
king said that he should auction off one of her shoes. Howard asked what he would pay for that. King said he'd pay $1000. Howard said he'd send him Fred's Flip Flop so he can sniff that.
Howard took another call from a guy who had a bad connection so he hung up on him. The next caller asked how he could give that guy the Metallica tickets earlier. Howard said he sounded like a fan to him. The caller said he's a true fan. Howard asked what his favorite Metallica song is. The guy said it's off their new album. Howard said he'll give him tickets too then.
Howard played a song parody about Robin that was to the tune of the Metallica song ''Nothing Else Matters.''
Howard said George Takei will be with them next week. He said that he'll be excited about Richard being able to drink beer through his ass. He said that they're going to have Michael J. Fox in there too. He said Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be coming in too. He said Jenny McCarthy is going to come in to prove that she's still ''dirty Jenny.'' Howard said Metallica will be in soon too. He said he needs a full 7 hours to talk to those guys. He said they'll perform two songs life that day too. He said that will be a lot of fun.
Howard said over vacation he was kind of obsessed with the Black Crows. He said that lead singer has that long beard and he thinks he might have to grow one himself. Howard said they did a live version of Jealous Again right into Hush by Deep Purple and it was great. Howard told Fred to try and find that cover for him. Fred wasn't seeing it in their system. Howard said that's a shame. JD said he'll try to find it on YouTube or something. Howard said he bought their song on iTunes and iTunes asks you if you're sure you want to buy music since everyone else isn't paying for it.
Fred found the song on YouTube but the sound quality was awful. Fred said he'll try to find a better version. Howard said he likes the way they break into Hush from Hard to Handle. Howard said he downloaded ''Jealous Again'' and played it like 75 times.
Howard said there's a Christian version of that Macklemore and Ryan song ''Thrift Shop.'' He said it's awful. Howard played the song for Robin. It was funny as soon as it started. Howard said he bets Robin loves this. Robin said she can't wait to see this zoom up to number 1.
Howard said there's a lot of crazy stuff on the internet. He said Mark the Bagger comes on the show sometimes. Howard said there's a lady on the internet who gets annoyed by a neighbor about her gardening and she sounds just like Mark the Bagger. Howard played the audio of the woman and she did sound just like Mark. Howard said he was watching it and thinking it was Mark's voice but in a woman's body. Howard said you have to watch it. it's on the web as the Crazy Rhubarb Lady.
Howard said there are some Richard Nixon tapes coming out. Howard played a clip where Nixon said ''God damn his Jewish soul'' while talking about someone.
Howard said Jackie the Joke Man was talking about doing a show and how he killed at this gig he did. Howard said Jackie then drops in that he doesn't have to get a wedding gift for this person because his joke telling was his gift to them. Howard said Jackie is the first one to criticize someone for not getting him a gift but then he doesn't get a gift for someone. Howard said if you go up and make a speech that's not a gift.
Howard played the audio of Jackie talking about his friend and how he went to the wedding for his daughter. He mentioned their names and Howard said that's what Jackie has to do for everyone. Jackie was talking about the wedding and how they asked him to do jokes but he didn't want to. Jackie talked about what inspired him to do it after refusing to get up. He said it was a little African American woman who got up and did something that got him going.
Howard and the guys were talking about Jackie's constant trading for things. Howard said Jackie would give his junk to people as payment for stuff. He said that Jackie would say that his stuff was worth money. Gary said that he used to get stopped by a lot of people telling him that Jackie would pay them with his stuff. Fred said that Jackie had a guy who delivered water to him and he gave him a t-shirt and a mug as payment. Howard said Jackie once said he paid Rodney Dangerfield back in jokes.
Howard said Jackie's Joke Hunt is on tonight on Howard 101. Howard said Riley Martin is on too. He said it's a crazy night tonight.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw that Robin was down in New Orleans. He said that he was the guy with the big cock she was talking about earlier. He said she was hanging out with a group of buddies talking about washing out an asshole.
Howard said that George Takei is going to be leading the world's largest chicken dance. He said he has to talk to him about that next week.
Howard said the Knicks went after a guy for using the NY Knicks logo and used the N-word instead of Knicks. Howard said that they went after him about that and got him to stop. Howard said there was another story about a guy who used the N-word and was fired over it. He was trying to say that using that word with another black person is a term of endearment. Howard said the guy lost in court. Howard said if you're an employer you can't use that at all. He said it shouldn't be used at work either way.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that it's great to have him back. She said she ordered her calendar. She said that Beth was biting on his big toe and sent out a picture. Howard said she did. He said he thought that was kind of crazy. Mariann said that AGT has been great and there are only 6 more shows left.
Howard hung up on Mariann and showed Robin the picture that Beth sent out. Howard said he was watching House of Cards when she did that. Howard said he's 6 episodes into the show and he's liking it. Robin said she liked the British series that it's based on. Howard said he loves the show. Howard said he likes Ray Donovan even better but House of Cards is great too. He said he loves TV. Howard said Game of Thrones is nowhere even close to being that good. Howard said he can't understand that show. Howard said he watches the show but it's hard to follow. He said the one guy is getting his cock cut off and he doesn't get why.
Howard said that when you see Beth biting his toe you think they make a great couple. He said that his feet are great and like a model's. Howard said he had to take another break after that. He said he will be on TV tonight on America's Got Talent. He said they're in the semi-finals. Robin said she doesn't get that. She wondered how that's the semi-finals. Howard said they have the final 12 this week and then they go into something else. He wasn't sure if that was the quarter finals. Gary said they already had the quarter finals. Howard said he has no idea. Robin said she's so confused.
Howard said Richard Simmons has a song out. He said he's going around promoting that. He said the song is horrible of course. Howard said he starts singing about loving animals. He said someone took that clip of Richard singing on a show and doctored it up. Howard said the song isn't so bad. Howard played a quick clip of that and then a song parody about Robin from Mike Fox. That was ''My Dick's on Fire'' to the tune of ''Ring of Fire.''
Howard said Billy Mira wrote a new song about Robin. He said he hasn't heard from Billy in a long time. Howard said he had no idea Billy was into Robin. He played some of that song for Robin and asked what she thought. Howard said Billy just came out of the woodwork with that song. Howard said there were a lot of Robin songs. He said there was a My Little Pony song about her. He played that one and one about Ronnie that was also to the tune of the My Little Pony theme. Howard said he likes that one. He said My Little Ronnie is a good show. Robin said she thinks that's something she would watch.
Howard said he was going to take one more call and then take a break. Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's going to be booked on the Arsenio Hall show. Howard said he doesn't want to do any shows. He said they have him doing so much press for AGT. He said he may go into hiding for 2 years. The caller said he sees that Queen Latifah has her own show coming so his mom might be interested in that. Howard said his mom did want her to be a judge on AGT. Robin asked what she thinks about Heidi and Mel B. Howard said they like him and that's about it. Howard went into his parent's voices and did his impression of them talking to him about Heidi and AGT. Howard said his mother is freaked out that she took her shoes off and ran across the stage. Howard went through the conversation and had the two of them talking about that and other things that have gone on with AGT.
The caller asked if he's going to do the Bethany Show. Howard thanked him for the call and took another one from a guy who said she wanted to buy some calendars if he'll give him some Metallica tickets. Howard said he'll give them to him if he buys two. The guy said he would do that. Howard said he doesn't have to buy any. He said he has one more pair to give away so this is it. Howard said he would appreciate it if he did buy the calendar though. Howard said that's going to be some show. Howard said Robin needs to see them live. He told her to go to that show. Howard said it's on September 21. Robin said she'll have to put that on her calendar. Robin said she's been to the Apollo before. Howard said he got stuck in Harlem once and no one bothered him. He was with Fred at the time. Robin said she thinks she'll be okay there too. She said she has no problem with people of color.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was watching AGT last week and he seemed visibly angry. Howard said he wasn't angry. He said he takes the job seriously and there are people who want to make it seem like he's doing it in anger but it wasn't. He said he wanted the guy with the beard to know why he failed. Howard said that he's sucking on Mel B's tits or something and he's only playing to her and not a bigger audience. Howard said he wasn't grumpy. He said he's being a judge. Howard said that guy was doing a song that didn't suit him. Howard said he didn't like the couple that did the act where they came out of the box. He said he told them they blew it because the box got in the way. Howard said now they know why America didn't vote for them. Robin said that she wasn't seeing their strength during that bit so she's glad Howard pointed out what the problem was.
Howard said when he sees something good he's very complimentary. Howard said whatever he's doing he's right. Robin said the thing is that Howard doesn't smile even when he's giving a compliment on the show.
Howard said that guy with the beard didn't need to do a beat box thing. He said it doesn't suit him. He said that opera guy is great too but he blew it with that song he performed. The caller said he should have been happy he got as far as he did. The caller said that he likes that group Forte too. He said he was never into opera but now he finds himself looking for their stuff on Amazon.
Howard said he's going back to the guy Robin had with the big penis. Howard asked if she did it just once or did she go back to him. Robin said they did have sex more than once. She said it didn't really get easier. Robin said they had a casual thing going on and it didn't work out. She said that she wasn't sorry when it was over. Howard went to break after that.
Howard asked Robin watch she had in the news. Fred played her into the news with a song parody. Howard said that was Aerosmith. Robin said that was no Aerosmith.
Robin said that CBS is back on Time Warner cable. Howard said he's happy about that. He said that they had a big battle over that. Robin asked where the government is to protect the consumers.
Howard said he was watching Breaking Bad and saw that the same guy is in Under the Dome. Howard asked Robin if she's caught up on Breaking Bad. Robin said she is. Howard said he watched True Blood but he doesn't even remember the finale. Howard said he saw one of the networks is coming out with a Dracula show and he hopes they don't screw that up. Howard said he thinks he's sick of vampires.
Howard said Katie Couric is engaged to her boyfriend and he thinks that he might be responsible. Howard said the boyfriend is a big fan of the show. He asked why he's not getting married and he ended up calling her over to talk about it. Howard said he'd marry the two of them. He said that he kind of pushed for it and he thinks he's behind it in a way. Robin asked if he's going to perform the ceremony. Howard said he would if they wanted him to but he's pretty sure they won't.
Howard said he had Mark Consuelos perform his thing and he did a great job. Howard said he would take it seriously like Mark did. Howard said he thinks he's legally married. Howard said he might be able to get out of the marriage with that.
Robin read about Time Warner and CBS working out a deal. Robin said apparently CBS wanted to be paid more money for their programming and they wanted to be able to monetize other ways of distribution. Robin said the cable companies are offering on demand things. Howard asked if CBS lost. Robin said they say they won and got whatever they wanted. Gary said he thinks they were looking for $2 per subscriber. Gary said that's apparently an insane amount of money. He said that they may have come out in the middle somewhere.
Robin read about a baby that was found in a pile of garbage in New Jersey. Howard said it's crazy how that happens.
Robin read about a woman who fell out of a police car even though she was handcuffed.
Howard said he saw a tape of a woman going crazy at a McDonald's drive-through and put her hand through the window. He said he'd play the audio but you need to see it. Howard said this woman is punching the guy at McDonald's and he's huge. Howard said the video is kind of grainy. He said the woman is white-ish and the guy at the McDonald's is black. The guys found the video and showed it to Robin. Howard said she's definitely white. Howard asked if they had audio. Gary said there was no audio and the audio that was in it was faked. Howard said that video is a great commercial for McNuggets. She wanted those things bad.
Robin read a story about the Japanese and how they want to get their youth educated. Robin said they're trying to get kids off of video games and things like that and get them talking to other children and adults.
Howard did a live commercial read and then took a call from a guy who asked if Robin ever got cream pied by the guy with the giant cock. Robin doesn't even know what that is. The guy said it's when the guy does it inside. He didn't even know exactly what it was. Sal came in to explain it but Howard said he didn't want to hear it. Howard said there's a regurgitation involved. Sal said that's right. Howard let him go but said his fake teeth are so bad looking. Sal said they're fine. Howard said he likes Sal. Robin said she's not sure what inspired him to say that. Howard said he just likes him.
Robin said there were people up in arms years ago about bacon but bacon has won. Robin said that they use it in many foods as flavoring. Robin said there's a new thing from a restaurant that has kangaroo and bacon in it. Robin said that there is bacon ice cream and bacon everything out there. Howard said pigs are such advanced animals and there's not much difference between them and dogs.
Robin said she was reading about how fish can recognize each other. Howard said he heard that too but he has to eat something. He said he'll still eat those fuckers. Howard said Robin heard that rice can speak English so she stopped eating that too. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Yucko the Clown who had a plug to do. Yucko said that the show Brickleberry is back on Comedy Central tonight. They didn't understand him at first so Robin told him to take that mask off. Yucko said at least he can take his off unlike Howard who can't take that heebie jeebie Jew nose off.
Howard said he heard that Yucko was going to come in there and burn his Yucko outfit in the studio so he could just become Roger. Yucko said he was thinking about doing that. Howard said that the new season premieres tonight at 10:30 on Comedy Central. Howard asked if anyone has seen it yet. Yucko said that it's going into it's second season. He's not making a lot of money from it though. He said he's still doing comedy to make ends meet. Howard said that he thought it was a good thing in his life but it's not that good. Howard gave Yucko another plug for the show. Howard said that he likes that he's ready to burn his outfit after one season of the show. He told him to hold on to that thing.
Robin read about a woman who went on a swim from Cuba to Key West, Florida and made it. Robin said that this woman is 64 years old. Howard said Cubans do it all the time. Robin had some audio of the woman speaking and her tongue was swollen from being out there so long. Howard said he's in his pool for 10 minutes and he's bored. He can't imagine that. Howard played a couple more clips of the woman speaking and goofed on that for a short time. Robin read about how the woman wore a mask to keep jellyfish from biting her face. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about a 9 year old boy who was bitten by a shark over the weekend. Robin had some audio of the kid talking about what happened when he was bitten. They had some audio of the kid's father talking about it. Robin said the boy needed 9 stitches. Robin said another person was bitten over the weekend too. Robin said he was a 17 year old. Howard said he heard that Suri Cruise broke her arm too. Howard said he doesn't know how that happened.
Howard said there was a picture of Mel Gibson in the paper and he was all pumped up. Howard said he was super jacked. Howard said it must be Jew tossing season or something so he's getting in shape. Fred said Jew Tossing season starts in October. Howard said Michael Douglas and Katherine Zeta-Jones are divorcing too. Howard said that must be what happens when you play Liberace in a movie.
Howard asked Robin if she saw The Butler. Robin said she did. Howard said Robin is the only black person that's not in the movie. He said everyone else is in it. Robin said whenever Oprah shows up in a movie or has anything to do with the movie then you're going to have a bad time. Robin said you're going to watch people suffer. Robin said you know that you're going to have tragedy after tragedy. Howard said Robin is right about that.
Howard asked Gary if he should pick up on this guy who is being super annoying about Metallica. Gary said Richard thinks that they should be quizzing people about the band before giving them away. Howard picked up on the caller and Richard gave him a few trivia questions about Metallica. He got the first one wrong so Howard was ready to hang up on him. Richard gave him another one. The caller didn't know which band Kirk Hammett was in before Metallica. Howard said even he thinks he knows that one. It was Exodus. The caller didn't even know Dave Mustaine's name when he was asked about him leaving the band. The caller was asked to name a few albums. The caller knew a few album names. Howard ended up giving the guy tickets when Richard gave him the okay. He said he named enough songs. The guy said he'd buy some calendars too. Howard said if everyone just bought one that would be enough.
Robin got back to her news and played some audio of One Direction performing their song. Howard said he thinks they're kind of lame. He said he doesn't like that one kid's hair. Robin said she thinks that's Harry. Robin said they have a movie out and it made an estimated $18 million. Robin said that the movie The Butler beat it out for the number 1 spot.
Robin read about the 50 Shades of Grey casting and said that she has no interested in seeing it now that she's read about the casting. Robin said reaction is mixed so far on the news.
Howard said he has two guys on the phone to fight it out for the final pair of Metallica tickets. Howard said that one guy says that he can beat anyone in trivia. Howard got both on the phone and had Richard give them some trivia. Adam didn't know the first one, neither did Josh. Richard asked where the band got their name from and Josh didn't know. Adam knew the answer. Richard gave them another one about who their first bass player was. Josh didn't know. Adam did. Richard gave them another one about what they were touring with when the bass player died. Adam knew it so he won. Howard said he's in. Adam thanked him and Howard put him on hold to get the tickets. Howard said he's a fan too but he wouldn't do well in a quiz.
Robin read about some missiles that were fired but ended up in the sea. Robin said they detected two ballistic missiles were fired but didn't make it very far. Robin said that they think it could have been the US firing missiles in preparation to attack Syria. Robin had some audio of Senator McCain talking about what's going on.
Robin read about a man who may have died in a booby trap that he may have set himself. Howard said that's an embarrassing way to go. Robin said the man was nearly decapitated when he ran into a wire strung around his pot plants. Robin said the plants were also protected by barbed wire and an animal trap. They say that alcohol may have been involved.
Robin read about Dennis Rodman going to North Korea again. Robin said that he's going to be there for 5 days. Robin said he won't be there to try to get an American prisoner released that has been there for 15 years.
Robin read about women who drink alcohol may increase their chances of breast cancer depending on when they get pregnant. Robin said the word ''do'' at one point and Fred had the Ronnie clip ''Du'' ready to go. Howard was blown away that he had it ready to go so quickly. He said he can't wait for Robin to say it again.
Robin read a story and tried not to say the word ''do'' again. Robin read about a cult leader who would do sacrifices and was killed and castrated by the people in the village where he was doing all of this.
Robin read about Jon Stewart returning to the Daily Show tonight. Robin said he was off directing his first movie for a couple of months. Howard said John Oliver was very good filling in for Stewart. Howard said he should have his own show.
Robin said the show Luther is back too. That's on BBC America at 9pm. Howard thanked Robin for her news and said she managed to get through it without another ''do.'' Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
Gary said that Richard ended up giving the caller tickets even though he didn't do well with the quiz he created. Richard said that he knows how Howard feels now. He said he felt bad for the guy. He did know a few songs. Richard said he's a pushover.
Jon said Richard has a lot of favorites and he seems to be willing to go even further for this band by drinking his own jizz. Richard said that he'd love to be the fourth person in the studio watching them perform.
Jon said that they were talking about Richard possibly drinking Jose's cum. Richard said he never said he would do that. He said he'd be willing to put his in his mouth and then spit it into Jose's mouth but he knows Jose won't do that.
Gary asked if he discussed this with his wife. Richard said she thought it was cool. He said as long as it's not doing something with women she's cool with it.
Jon asked what happened with his hard drive that was full of porn. Richard said he still has it in storage. Gary said that Richard literally had hard drives full of porn and he'd have dates with himself every night. Richard said his wife listens to the show and his mother-in-law listens so he doesn't like discussing that. He said he doesn't like talking about it but he still jerks off. He said he doesn't do it as much as he used to.
Gary asked Richard if he'd have trouble throwing out that hard drive. Richard said he would. He said there are a lot of memories there.
Jon asked Gary about going over the songs that they were going to have Metallica perform. Gary said they're trying to figure out what the audience would like. Richard said he loves a lot of their early stuff and he would love to see them do something like Motor Breath. He said he understands it's Howard's show and most of the audience would like to hear something they've heard before.
JD said he doesn't think they should have them play ''Nothing Else Matters.'' He said it's just too slow. Jon agreed. He said they want them to rock that studio. Richard said he just wants a good Metallica song.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's a casual Metallica song and he thinks ''One'' is the go-to song. Gary said he agrees. He said that ''Enter Sandman'' is another one that the audience might know.
Richard said he saw how emotional Howard got listening to ''One'' today. He said that he has a lot of memories about that song himself. He said he lived his high school years with that album and their earlier stuff.
Gary said the video for ''One'' really gets to him. He said the book that it was based on was very emotional and the video was very emotional.
Richard said that they did get to play with Metallica at a festival last summer in Atlantic City. Jon figured a lot of tears would be flowing in the studio when they're in. Richard said that they meant a lot to him when he was growing up. He said it would be embarrassing if he was crying but it would be worth it.
Gary asked JD if he would have any performance anxiety at all of she asked him to go over there tonight. JD said he might. He said he has that with girls he's been with already. JD said he could never live up to Lexington Steele.
Richard asked JD what he would go after first, her boobs or her ass. JD said he'd probably grab her ass after kissing her. JD said that they've known each other for a while and he doesn't know if anything will happen. He said they've talked about hanging out before and they haven't done that yet.
JD said that he wouldn't be surprised if she didn't want him. Gary said that they talk a lot and she's in New York and they're not hanging out. JD said he knows that. He said he's very well aware.
Jon said that she was saying that her friends tell her to just bang JD because he's a good guy. Jon said he doesn't think JD wants that though. Gary said he thinks that they're in the friend zone and she doesn't seem to be into that. Benjy said she said that she thinks she would hurt JD just having sex with him. JD said they haven't really discussed it. JD said he makes jokes here and there with her but he doesn't get into the dirty talk stuff. He said he's just letting her handle it. He said if she wants him bad enough then it's up to her.
JD said he doesn't want someone who doesn't really want to be with him. Jon said he understands that but this is also his dream porn star. He asked if he could deal with it if it did happen. Benjy said that all fucks are basically pity fucks.
Jon took a call from a guy who said JD was remarkably smooth with her today on the show. He said he's stumbling more now than he was earlier. JD said he was more talking to Howard earlier. Benjy asked if he watches her porn. JD said he does watch some.
Jon asked JD how it felt to sit next to her today. JD said she felt good. He had Jason with the camera in front of him so he couldn't get hard for her or anything.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he'd like to hear Metallica perform ''Fuel'' on the show. He also said that maybe they could give JD some money to take Lisa out on the town. Gary said that's not what's holding him back. He said JD has some money. Gary said he's in that zone... the Friend zone. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said that if someone has a wine business and they give you wine you might feel that it wasn't a very thoughtful gift. Gary said that wine has value though. Jackie's jokes may not have value. Gary said that Joe DiMaggio used to pay for stuff with autographed balls and bats. He said that's such a douchey thing to do. Gary said he read about Jeremy Piven leaving an autographed DVD as a tip on a $1000 bill at Nobu once. He said he's not sure if that was a true story or not though.
Benjy said he's been asked to perform at a wedding. He said one was a stranger and they paid well. He said the other one was friends that they were just getting to know. He said they were supposed to sing at that one but he showed up late so they didn't. Benjy said they showed up a couple of hours late.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what other bands Richard would do gay shit for. Richard said there are a lot. He said he knows a lot of the guys in Coheed and Cambria and Stryper so he doesn't need to do that stuff. He said that he'd such JD off to meet some bands.
Richard said he's not doing this stuff for romance. He said he just wants to meet the band. He said if it's a stunt then it's not really gay. Jon asked if sucking JD off is not gay. Richard said it might be.
Gary said if a lesbian woman sucked you off for a stunt then is it sexual. Richard said he's trying to wrap his head around that. Richard said you need to find a lesbian who has a radio show job. Gary said Richard was supposed to suck Ronnie off for a million bucks. Richard said that was for the money and for the goof. They had to take another break after that.
Gary said he thinks Lisa was good on the air and she's a nice person but she isn't a huge Fantasy Football player. He said she's obviously crammed for the test.
JD said all he wanted was to be around her. He said he tired to change the league to 12 people but that didn't work.
Jon said that their draft is going to air on Thursday on Howard 101. Gary explained how all of that worked and how it was covered by CBS Sports. He said Tiki Barber zeroed in on JD's suit and would not let it go. He thought that was pretty funny.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's not calling to bust JD's balls but he has to accept the fact that these girls are using him. He said he doesn't take care of himself and he goes after high caliber girls. JD said he goes after all types of girls. The caller said they don't seem attainable for most guys so he should aim a little lower. Gary said it would make more sense if he just said that he knows they're using him and he doesn't care.
Jon asked if they were surprised that the name John Salley came up. Gary said he was. He said he worked with him on Hollywood Squares for a day. He said he did not know that he was that big. Gary said he went to look it up online and it's on a lot of web sites. He said that there was a picture on a web site and people were shocked. He said you had to be a member of the web site to see it though.
Jon asked Gary what he thought about Robin talking about the big penis thing. Gary said he doesn't need to know about receiving or giving it with such a big one.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he had a similar situation to what Jackie did at that wedding. He said they paid a musician friend that was going to transpose some stuff for their wedding. He said Jackie doesn't need the money though and you know the stuff he was saying was completely inappropriate. He said that's just bullshit.
Gary said he was in that situation too. He said they wanted two songs to be performed at the church. He said Stuttering John worked with the choir and played guitar but he still gave a gift. He said that was the right thing to do.
Gary asked if they've ever been to a wedding with a cash bar. Jon said he has. Gary said that's very strange. He said that Jackie told a story about going to one and people were going into their envelopes taking money out to pay for drinks. Gary said the weddings in the North East can be very expensive.
Richard said that he didn't go to a lot back home but they do seem to be a bigger deal in the North East. Jon asked JD if he has been to many. JD said he doesn't go to many at all. He said he gives small amounts if he does go. He said it might be $25 or something. The guys ended the show a short time later. They were done at 11:15am.
Howard's Thoughts On Hank The Dwarf's Death. 9/5/01. 6:05am
Howard was complaining about his web browser first thing this morning. He can't figure out how to make his web pages readable.
Howard then announced the news that Hank the Dwarf died yesterday. Robin had no idea that he'd passed away so it was surprising news to her. Howard said he wants to do a funeral bigger than Aaliyah's recent funeral.
Doug Goodstein from E! was Hank's manager so he came in to tell Howard what he knew about Hank's death. He posted a letter on Hank's web site HankTheDwarf.com saying that he got word from Hank's mother that he died. Howard talked a little bit about Hank's heavy drinking and how he knows why a little person like Hank would drink since you get made fun of just about every day of your life. Doug told Howard that the show was the most important part of his life. Doug also said that he cried a lot after finding out about his death.
Howard said he told a bunch of people about Hank dying and each person told him about their favorite ''Hank Moment'' on the show. The most common favorite moment seems to be the show when Hank got a make-over. Robin said her favorite moment was when Hank went down dressed in a bunny outfit to goof on magician David Blaine while he was in the block of ice. Howard said his favorite Hank moment was at Doug's wedding when he was actually sober and the most boring, polite guy.
Howard said we all knew that Hank would pass away at an early age because of his drinking problem. Hank had talked about having an enlarged liver in the past and he'd been hospitalized multiple times. His last public appearance was this past Sunday with Beetlejuice. He was living life to the fullest right up to the end.
Howard had tape of Hank cutting IDs where he talks about being dead. They had him cut them because they knew he couldn't live that long. Each one started off ''Hey, this is Hank and I'm dead...'' He'd then go on to say something goofy. It was kind of chilling to hear them.
Doug Goodstein said that he's pretty sure that Hank's death was either directly or indirectly caused by his alcoholism even though we don't have an official cause of death yet. Doug went on to tell everyone when he last spoke to Hank and what happened over the weekend. During this part of the show Howard played the ''this is Hank and I'm dead'' clips so Hank is still entertaining us while he's dead. Doug said no one saw anything strange with Hank over the weekend. He was a little tired on Monday after his trip home from his appearance.
Beetlejuice called in to give his thoughts on Hank's death. He said he was sorry to hear the news. He actually seemed to understand that Hank was actually dead. He sounded like he was actually upset and maybe even crying over the news. Unfortunately his phone connection sucked and Howard had a tough time speaking to him. Howard asked Beetle if he'd be willing to give the eulogy for Hank but Beet couldn't hear him for some reason. Howard ended up talking to Beet's manager Sean instead. Sean said that Beet really was depressed after he heard the news about Hank. They had become friendly with each other recently so he really will miss Hank.
Various celebrities called in and told Howard their favorite Hank moments. Jessica Hahn, Tim Stack and High Pitch Erik all called in and gave their condolences during the show.
Howard also sang a version of ''You'll Never Walk Alone'' in remembrance of Hank.
Hank's mother Claudette called in for the first time ever and she let Howard know how much Hank enjoyed doing the show. Howard also let her know how much Hank added to his show over the years. Howard and Claudette said some very nice words to each other and Howard let her get off the phone shortly after she called in. She did say that she didn't want a ''media circus'' around Hank's funeral but Howard said he might do something special on his own.
Mob informant Henry Hill called in quickly this morning. Howard wondered if Henry was still drinking but he says he's been sober 65 days. Henry had been drinking again after getting sober for a while so Gary wondered what happened. Henry said he had a little too much money and his ego took over and he started drinking for a while. Now he's back to being sober. Howard let Henry go when Tom Chiusano came in to talk about Hank.
Tom said a few nice words about Hank and then Howard took a call from Big Foot Matt McGroary who also had a few nice things to say about Hank.
While all of this was going on Howard had a tribute to Hank set up on the street. It was the cardboard cut out of Hank in a pink bunny outfit set up with a candle and some flowers. Howard encouraged people to stop by and drop stuff off but not much was happening with that. One person dropped off a Heineken bottle but there wasn't much else being dropped off.
All this week E! will be airing old shows featuring Hank as a tribute to the little man. Tim Stack also said that Hank's episode of ''Son of the Beach'' will be airing tonight on FX during their ''Son of the Beach'' marathon. The FX network is now available in Manhattan so all of New York City will be able to watch the show.
Various Stuff. 9/5/02. 6:05am
Howard talked about some of the stuff that was coming up later in the show first thing. He had a bunch of trips to give away courtesy of Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Tequila but he said had to take a break first. Before he got to the break though, he took some phone calls. A guy called in to talk to Howard about how gay the E! show was with Mark Harris and his gay boyfriend last night. Howard ended up playing one of Mark Harris' gay songs as he moved on to a few more phone calls. One guy thanked Howard for all the years he's been doing the show. He sort of complimented Artie but at the same time he called him a fat bastard. Another guy brought up something about Artie that was pretty funny. The other night they re-aired an E! show where Artie came in with Norm MacDonald. The guy said that Artie wears the same stuff now that he wore back then. Howard heard that Artie did a photo shoot for FHM magazine and he wore the standard leather jacket and jeans. Stuttering John came in and said that Artie ate a bunch of crap before the photo shoot so he wasn't worried about his weight. John also pointed out that Artie had a giant zit on his nose this morning. Howard checked it out and said it wasn't a zit, it was like that Chang and Zang guy who had a partial conjoined twin growing out of his head.
Howard mentioned his girlfriend's calendar (Available at BethO.com (link removed, do not visit)) while they were talking about FHM magazine. He said that people have told him that the pictures in her calendar are much better than the FHM photo shoot. Stuttering John is one of those people so Howard ended up talking to him about his obsession with her. John was also talking about how some people are obsessed with his wife too. He said Benjy is one of them and it's kind of strange.
Howard wanted John to talk about just how obsessed he is with Beth but John said he has never fantasized about sleeping with her or anything like that. Howard doesn't seem to believe that though. He wanted John to just come out with it and talk about how wacky he really is.
Howard took a break and when he came back he replayed the phony phone call that Benjy made the other day. They played it yesterday and Howard liked it enough to replay it. KC came in after the call and said that they had to edit the call because it was like 20 minutes long. He said that when Benjy called her back to get her permission to play it on the air, she still thought it was President Clinton.
Howard had a story about Jim Florentine who loves to play pranks on people all the time. He once had the waiter at a restaurant keep putting ''fresh ground pepper'' on his food until there is a pile there. KC said yesterday Jim did the same thing and had the waiter there for 8 minutes grinding fresh pepper the first time. Then the guy goes away, comes back and asks if he wants water with that. Jim then asks for more pepper and has him grind for another 3 minutes. The manager eventually comes back and asks if he can have some more pepper and the waiter back to do it. KC said that when the guy grinds more pepper Jim farts on him. That's when KC started laughing. Jim also asked the waiter to put more pepper in the middle of his plate in case he wanted to dip. KC said that he had about an inch and a half of pepper on his grilled chicken. KC brought in a sample of the mess that Jim made and everyone said it was just a pile of pepper.
Howard has a plan to keep President Bush in the White House instead of taking time to vacation. He's taken tons of vacation and Howard has talked about that in the past. Howard is now suggesting to remodel the White House to look like a dude ranch. He said that they can turn it into the set of ''Bonanza'' and dress up people like the characters on that show. Howard thinks Bush would love it and he'd stay in Washington DC instead of going back home to Texas to vacation. He said they could call it ''The Oval Corral.'' Howard said that they could add an 8 hole golf course too. Howard said a guy who takes as much vacation as Bush does, doesn't want to be President. Howard pointed out that the White House was changed for Presidents Kennedy and Clinton and they let women in there so why not change it for Bush?
Howard moved on and took a call from a guy who asked him what he thought about ''American Idol'' last night. Howard said he thought that the girl who won has lost her voice lately. He also pointed out how ''gay'' the show was. Howard also said that Paula Abdul has been the luckiest one from that show. He read that she just signed a record contract and they're going to try to bring her career back. Howard said he's thinking of doing his own show but with rock bands instead of pop singers. Howard said he's going to talk to some people about doing something like that.
After taking another break Howard spent a few minutes talking about the hosts of ''American Idol'' Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkleman. Howard said those two should just disappear. He has no need for them on any show apparently. He also quickly talked about the judges and how he thinks that Simon Cowell is gay after last night's show.
Mark Harris On The Phone From Germany. 9/5/97. 9:15am
After hearing about the possibility of Mark Harris getting married to another man Howard had to talk to him. Gary got him on the phone and Howard asked him about it. Mark says that he is with a 23 year old violinist by the name of Davide. They're not planning on getting married but they are enjoying each others company. The two of them get together and perform some bizarre song together in clubs. Howard said that he wanted to hear them together so within 30 seconds Mark was singing and Davide was playing his violin. Howard goofed on them as they played but told Mark is was wonderful. Howard also spoke to Davide about the situation. Davide met Mark at a club he was playing violin at. Mark was depressed and Davide noticed him. He went over to meet him and the rest is history. Mark and Davide will be coming to the States in October so they'll be stopping in to visit Howard.
In the clip Howard was talking to his cousin David while Gilbert Gottfried sat in. Howard said that his mother was telling David that he knows a lot of people and he was a media planner at Benton and Bowles. Howard said she was so proud of the story. Howard said she must have talked David into calling him. David said Howard called him first.
Howard was goofing on David about how many showers he's taking a day and how his drain is probably clogged from being in there so much. Howard said they need to snake that drain out.
Howard said he thinks David would be good in a management job. He said maybe he'd be good as a producer of this show.
Howard asked David about the training he has and how he could deal with Tom. David said he has had some training for organizational behavior. He said he has learned a few techniques. He didn't remember all of the details though. Howard said that he might want to go back to school.
David said he also learned marketing in school. Howard said that's a good thing to know. Howard said he thinks that he'd be suited for some kind of media planning thing. Robin asked what that is. Howard explained it to her. Howard said he thinks he'd be perfect for it.
Howard said he thinks Gilbert is attracted to David. Gilbert said he does have nice hair and nice clothes. Howard said David had to share a room with his brother for 15 years. Howard said David couldn't stand his brother. Howard said he went to the worst high school too. Howard said he told him to take karate. He said that he could keep from getting beat up every year.
Howard told Robin about how he had his pants stolen from him in school. Gilbert started cracking up when he heard that.
Howard asked David about working out and what he can lift. David said he can bench about 380. He said he used to be able to do about 415. Howard said he's really muscular.
Howard said that his other cousin is a good kid too. He said he likes all of his cousins. Howard spent a little more time talking to David before wrapping up.
Steve Grillo At The MTV Video Music Awards. 9/5/97. 6:05am
Steve Grillo was sent to last night's MTV Video Music Awards show but he didn't get to question any celebrities. He was surprised that MTV didn't allow him to bug any of the celebrities that were there. He did manage to get yanked out of the way of an Entertainment Tonight camera crew though. Howard played the tape of that little incident. Then they spent about 20 minutes talking about Steve's bad attitude. A bunch of the people who work at the station find Grillo to be very snotty and annoying.
In the clip Howard said he was going to try to go on with the show today. He said they've managed to succeeded in New York and they're in a new venture. They're broadcasting into Philadelphia now. He said this is an experiment. Howard said they're the only broadcasters doing this in the morning. Howard said last night something happened. Robin said she didn't think he was going to bring this up. She said this isn't something he wants to share.
Howard said he came in toady and he's worried about getting ratings. Howard said he needs the ratings and today is hard because his grandparents were killed in a car accident last night. He said he's hoping to get ratings to make him feel better. Howard said the reason he came in today is because his other grandparents died several months ago. Robin said he should tell people what happened.
Howard took a call from a fan in Philadelphia and told him what's going on. He said he's not asking him to feel bad for him but just give him some ratings. Howard asked him to tell his friends to do the same. Howard said he hopes that they understand. Robin asked if he thinks that people are really going to buy this. Howard told her to shush. Howard said his grandparents just died.
Howard said he doesn't care if people believe this or not. He's just asking for ratings. Howard took another call from a guy in Philly and told him what he's looking for. He said he's looking for people from the age of 25 to 54 with an income of over $32,000 have sympathy for his family.
Robin asked how his family is handling this. Howard said they can't deal. Howard said he just came in to get ratings today. He asked the caller if he'll help. The caller said he has the Spring of 86 Arbitron book. Howard said he didn't have to say that but he thanked him for that. Howard said he means it too.
Howard was talking about how his grandparents had Cup-O-Soup before they got in their car. He wondered if that had something to do with their accident. Robin said she doesn't think this is the proper programming. Howard said she might be right and maybe he shouldn't talk about this. Robin said they should get back to entertaining people.
Howard and the caller talked about the ratings thing a little more. Robin said Howard's eyes are all puffy and red from crying. Howard said he was wiped out by this but it's ratings time and he has to be there. Howard said all he asks is that the people of Philadelphia help make them number 1 like they are in New York. Howard said he hopes people won't feel ill of him for doing this. He pretended to cry. Robin said she's not sure what to do in this situation. Howard went to break a short time later.
After the edited out break Howard came back and said that the rubes in Philly are falling for this whole thing. Howard said that the fans in New York can't say anything. He said in Philly they're in a commercial break so they don't know this is all made up. Howard said he's going to go back into it when they come back from break.
Howard came out of break and Howard got back to the grandparent story. Howard said he's trying to get over this. Howard said before his grandparents were killed his grandmother told him how she wanted him to get ratings in Philly because that's where she's from. Howard said she would be very proud if he could get a 10 share. Howard said that's all she wanted for him. Howard said that's all he's going to say about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's sorry to hear about his grandmother. He asked what kind of accident it was. Howard said they hit a tree or something like that. Howard said he didn't want to get into it. The caller said he can't believe that happened. Howard said his other grandparents died a couple of months ago. He said he got high ratings from that so he's hoping for the same from the people in Philadelphia.
Howard took another call from a guy in Philly who said that the grandmother shtick always gets ratings. Howard pretended to break down crying over his grandparents again. Howard ended up hanging up on that guy. Howard said his grandparents were killed in their car. He said they jumped the divider and hit a truck. Robin asked if they were drinking. Howard said they hit a Snapple truck.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he heard what he said in the commercial break so everyone in Philly knew they were faking the story. Howard said that's too bad. The caller said he did a good job. Howard thanked him for that.
Howard said the people running the show in Philly should know better. Howard said you don't cut in when he's talking about fooling the people there. Howard said he'd like the ratings anyway. He said his grandparents did die but it was many years ago.
Wendy The Retard Calls In Drunk. 09/05/06. 7:20am
Howard interrupted the Kinison stories to take a call from Wendy the Retard who had called in very drunk. Her answering machine was recording but Howard wasn't sure what that was. She was all happy and yelling at 7:20 in the morning. She said she had one wine cooler and she was all drunk sounding. Artie said he wishes that he could get drunk that easy. She was trying to burp and making some strange noises which was her trying to burp.
Howard asked Wendy if she knows that the reason she gets so fat is because she's eating tons of pizza and drinking booze like this. She doesn't know what's going on.
Gary and Richard said that Wendy leaves a lot of messages for them and she does some strange things when she calls in. Howard played one clip where Wendy gets on two phones and gets her voice echoing. She starts laughing and just making strange noises for no apparent reason. Artie told Howard he should have a retard weekend sometime and just play retards.
Wendy said that she gets ''undepressed'' when she drinks and that's why she loves it so much. She said she gets depressed about having no daddy. Howard asked her if she's completely naked and touching herself this morning. She said she was. Howard and the guys asked her a bunch of disturbing questions and Wendy was answering yes to all of them. Howard asked her how many times a day she makes a doody. She said she does it in the afternoon and at night before going to bed. She also said that they're solid. Artie wondered how often she actually uses the toilet when she goes. She said that when a girl has to go she's got to go.
Howard asked her about making doody in her pants and stuff like that as well. She talked about how she has to clean her underpants in the sink and how her ass gets itchy from not wiping correctly. Howard was describing Wendy's naked body and how fat she is with her big hairy bush and big floppy tits hanging out. Wendy said she's been dying to come up and hang out with them so she's been depressed about that. Howard told her they'll get her up there soon. He let her go after that.
Howard played a prank call the guys made back at K-Rock where they used clips of Wendy calling a power company demanding that they turn her power back on. They went to commercial break after that.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over at 9:00am.
This week's Best of the Week was over around 9:35am.