Howard started off the show saying that he may be having a problem with his prostate. He said when he stands up quickly he feels like he has to pee and it's almost like having a cold in your wiener. He said he's trying to deal with it on his own instead of going to the doctor. Robin told him she'd see him at the (funeral) parlor then. Howard joked that he had cured himself of rabies so this would be no problem. Howard said he's had this problem before and it has gone away.
Last they heard Artie had been rubbing the back of Leslie Bibb who was playing his love interest. Artie said that's the reason that Jeremy Piven's character gets so pissed off about his character. He told Howard she plays the lead in the new movie ''Talladega Nights'' and she's got a lot of stuff going on right now. He also said that she was improvising kisses and things but she also introduced her doctor boyfriend to him and kept her dog nearby. He felt that she didn't want to be alone with him.
Artie said that Leslie was kissing him on the lips and she wasn't even supposed to do that stuff. He said on the second day they were shooting some scenes and he was getting aroused during those scenes. He was saying that he's able to remember his lines ahead of time and that helps get them through the scenes. Howard said he did a scene for his movie where a guy kept getting his lines wrong so they had to stay around until 2 in the morning doing a shoot. He wouldn't say who that was though.
Artie told the guys that he had gone to an In and Out Burger place in the afternoon one day for lunch and they have the best burgers there. Then he had to eat on a scene they were shooting so he was eating quite a bit there. Then he went out to Las Vegas after doing the shoot in L.A. He said he went to the Palms hotel and casino and accidentally walked into a thing called The Naughty School Girl Party. He said the chicks were really hot and they were all in naughty school girl outfits. He was going to move on to the next story but Howard slowed him down and asked him if he got laid. Artie said nothing happened.
Robin said that Artie told them that he wasn't going to tell them if he did do something. Howard said that a lot of people out there are asking him if Artie and Dana are really over. He's been telling people he thinks they are. Artie is saying that they're still talking and it's like a ''lingering hell'' for him right now. He said that he probably wouldn't tell them if something happened but he's saying nothing happened. He just saw Dana about a week ago and he is back to banging her. Howard said that's real progress and that's what he likes to hear.
Artie said he went to shoot the Best Damn Sports Show and they shot that from the Hooters out in Vegas. Howard wondered why Artie wasn't out there getting laid. Artie said he's not in ''single mode'' when he's out there because things are still kind of on with Dana.
Howard asked Artie how much he lost out there. He said he came back about $2,600 down. Howard asked him if he got the Dice money yet. Artie said his agent has the money so he did get the check. He realizes that he may have overreacted a bit when he and Dice went off on each other last week.
Artie said that when they were shooting the Best Damn Sports Show they had to hold up shooting the show because the crowd was chanting ''Fuck Dice!'' Artie had to tell them that he was wrong and Dice had paid him.
Howard played a new phony phone call where they took clips of Artie from his Dice argument and called a store with the name ''Ralph'' in it so they could have Artie yelling at ''Ralph.'' The guy they had on the line had no idea who he was talking to. The guy was yelling back at Artie and cursing him out.
Howard said that they got a lot of mail about Artie and Dice's fight from last week. He read one from a psychologist who said that a lot of companies don't pay people for up to 60 days so he should calm down and get over it. Artie said he called Dice and apologized to him because he realized he may have gone a little over the line. He said he left him a message and then heard that Dice left him another message but he never got that message.
Artie said when Dice said he left him a message during the argument, he swore that he really didn't get the message. That got him thinking that Dice was lying but now he's saying he left another message and he hasn't gotten that one either so there may be a problem with his phone. Howard thinks that the first call was never made though. He may have been trying to get Artie worked up over that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Leslie Bibb must have never saw it coming that she was going to be doing a scene with ''Shrek'' pool side. Artie said she knew she was going to be working with him but she may not have known right from the start.
Another caller said that he was out in Vegas at Dice's show after the one he did with Artie and the room wasn't sold out. He also said that a woman in front of him actually fell asleep during the show too.
Artie told Howard that everyone out west seemed to have SIRIUS because they were making references to Crazy Alice and things like that. He also got in a plug for The Best Damn Sports Show which will be airing this Thursday night. He said people are really into the SIRIUS thing when they own it too. He said people are out there telling their friends to buy it and stuff like that.
Artie said that Stuttering John came out to visit him on the set of Entourage and made a mess in his trailer. He also said that John has a major beef with Ralph right now because Ralph was bashing him on the Wrap Up Show last week just a few days after he had been at his house out there in Los Angeles. Gary said they were just getting into that discussion when they had to end The Wrap Up Show.
Gary came in and said that John called him and said that he wanted to come out and beat the shit out of Ralph after hearing that he had bad mouthed him. Howard said Doug Goodstein went out to visit John recently and sent him an e-mail about how nice it is there. He read that letter where Doug talks about how nice John's house is and how amazing the views are. He's got some original Salvador Dahli paintings and some other very nice things.
Doug wrote about the work day that John has at The Tonight Show. He said John does a lot of talking to the people on the show, eats, gets dressed, does the show for an hour and then he's done. Doug went out to Vegas with John and saw a fight where Christian Slater was hanging out. Doug says that Christian is afraid to do the show because he's afraid he'll get bashed for some reason.
Artie said that John showed up on the set out in L.A. when he was about 8 hours into his work day and wanted to party. Artie said he had to tell John he couldn't do that. Howard asked him why he would invite John to stop by when he's working. Artie said he tells people to stop by but he didn't realize that John was going to want to party. They spent a minute talking about that and Artie said there actually was a lot of down time there on the set because they shoot the show like a movie.
Howard asked Artie if John gets involved with any bits and stuff on The Tonight Show these days. Artie said he thought he is still doing bits and things but he wasn't sure. He told Howard that if they could get John and Ralph on the phone it would be a great fight because John is so pissed off at Ralph.
Howard said it really burns him that John won't call into the show anymore. They've asked him to call in before and John won't call in. Gary said that John won't say he can't call in, he just won't do it. He works for Jay Leno now and he can't do the show if Howard is going to trash him. Howard said he understands that and the loyalties are clearly drawn there.
Robin told Howard how there was a stalker on The Tonight Show who tried to confront Colin Farrell on stage and they never aired that segment. That's the kind of thing that would make the show interesting but they just cut it right out. Gary said they've been contacted by that woman and they could probably get her on the show. Howard said they should book her. They had an audio clip of her talking about her obsession with Farrell and the show gave her a lie detector test and told her that she was a liar about that stuff.
Howard read an e-mail where someone accused him of having something for Lisa G. They think that Howard likes her a little too much and lets her get away with a lot of stuff. There was another e-mailer who said that Scott the Engineer's bad luck is still haunting Tony Stewart and he must have jinxed Ivan Reitman because his movie came in 8th at the box office. His black cloud is following people around.
Howard heard that Ronnie's block party went off okay over the weekend. Richard came in and said that they had a whole page of audio clips for Howard to play. They had a face painter at the party and JD got a cock painted on his face.
Howard said that the guys goofed on Sal by telling him that Howard had been at the party looking for him and it drove him nuts. Howard read about how nuts Sal got when he heard that he had been there. He apparently sniffed a glass that was supposed to have been Howard's. He's still obsessed with Howard.
Sal came in and said that it was totally believable that he had shown up after he busted Ronnie's balls. Sal said he got to spend the day with Laura Lackner, Howard's assistant, so he learned a lot of things about him while talking to her. She told him stories about working for Howard. Sal shared some of those stories so Howard asked him what kinds of things she was talking about. Sal said it was a very nice experience learning about him through Laura.
Howard found it hard to believe that Laura would share anything about his life with Sal. He said that might have killed his relationship with her if this is true. Sal had been telling stories about how much Howard missed his dog Java after he got divorced. He said that her job isn't to observe him and then share stories with Sal.
Sal said he feels like he's part of Howard's family but Howard told him he's just an employee and he's mentally ill and needs help. Richard said Sal still comes in every day and asks if Howard stopped by their office. Howard said he doesn't want anyone telling Sal stories about him. Sal said Laura had nothing but wonderful things to say about Howard. Howard said she shouldn't be telling Sal any stories about him.
Sal changed subjects and said that Ronnie's wife is really pissed off at Robin and Howard for not coming to their party. He said that she was going off on Robin for not coming to the party. Ronnie came in and asked Howard if he believes what Sal says. Howard said he does believe it. Ronnie said he doesn't believe that she ever said that stuff. Sal said that at one point Ronnie pointed at his daughter-in-law's tits and said ''Take a look at them tits!'' Ronnie said that didn't happen either.
Ronnie said that Sal's wife was there telling people how she didn't want to be married to him anymore. Sal said that's when Ronnie brought up the daughter-in-law's tits. Shuli was in and said that Ronnie did some things he didn't remember doing at the party. He was so drunk that he couldn't even remember the stuff he did. Shuli said that he went over and unplugged the DJ's sound system while people were dancing.
Sal took a picture of his uncircumcised penis and sent it to people on their phones. They showed the picture in the studio and the guys talked about how disturbing it looked. Sal was describing the skin on his penis and how he uses the extra skin to save his load so he doesn't get anything on his wife or their towels since she won't allow that anymore.
Howard told Sal that he should just cum anywhere he wants. He said he should be allowed to do whatever he wants if he paid for the stuff. Sal said she has to change the sheets every day as it is so if he does that at night, she has to change the sheets right away. She's apparently obsessed with cleaning.
Sal said he bought a used cell phone and his wife went off on him when she heard that he had a used phone because it was dirty. Gary said she once had to change the sheets after Sal took out the garbage because he was contaminated with the garbage germs. Howard wondered what she thinks is going to happen if they have germs. Sal said she doesn't have a problem handling money which is the dirtiest thing out there.
Sal said that every time he comes into ten bucks, she spends twenty on the house. She's looking to replace their floors because they're dirty.
Howard was kind of upset about Laura telling Sal stories like he claims she did. Sal said the stuff she told him was very nice stuff so he shouldn't be upset. Howard was also upset with Shuli because he was posting pictures from Ronnie's party up on SternFanNetwork.com over the weekend. He told him that they have their own web site and a TV show to post that stuff on. He said that Shuli works there, he's not just a fan anymore.
Sal asked Artie if he plans on leaving the show if his movie, ''Beer League,'' becomes a hit. Artie said he doesn't plan on it because he knows the movie won't do that well. He said that if it makes $100 million, he will leave the show... but he was saying that because he knows it won't make that kind of money.
Bong Hit Eric called in and told Sal that he should go into therapy for these issues he has. Sal said he can't go to a shrink because he'd probably crumble if he told the stories. He told Howard that his father did things that were really wrong. He wasn't crumbling when he was telling the stories though. Sal said his father cheated on his mother and brought him along. He also said that his father used to beat the shit out of him. He once peed in his pants and had to stay in his pee stained pants the whole day.
Artie was telling Sal that he really might need to get help for this obsession he has for Howard. Sal claims he's really not obsessed though. Howard told him he is obsessed because he spent all day trying to find out more stuff about him from Laura at Ronnie's party. Sal said that Howard's life is so fascinating on the air that he would like to get even more of that off the air. Howard told him he's nuts. He also pointed out that Sal went under hypnosis one time and said he wanted to suck his penis which is very disturbing.
Howard asked Sal if he would get circumcised if he asked him to. Sal said that's too painful and he's not going to do that for him. Sal made the mistake of making a comment about Puerto Rican's all having big families. That led to Howard playing one of the apologies that Sal made when they were goofing on him recently. Howard played another clip from a recent Wrap Up Show where Sal was explaining his use of racist comments.
Howard said he loves when Sal tries to get out of one of his racist comments. Sal then made some more comments about why he was talking about black girl's asses and said that's because you never hear about a ''Jew broad'' having a nice ass. Howard continued to play some more of his comments from the Wrap Up Show where he was revealing the stereotypes that he believes.
Sal made some comments about Robin sounding white because of the way she speaks and things like that. The guys thought Sal was nuts after hearing some of the things he was saying. Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Sal has a shrine built about Howard. The guys don't think he has one because his wife would probably vacuum it up.
Howard said that Sal is really kind of creepy. He doesn't like that he remembers every shirt he's worn and how he's always trying to find out more about him.
Blue said she hasn't had sex since going into the hospital because there are no cute orderly's there. As they were saying goodbye to Blue, she let out a nasty sounding cough that grossed the guys out. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he's feeling kind of bad for this guy Peter Cook because of the way the press is hounding him. Howard said that there are plenty of guys out there cheating on their wives like this guy allegedly did and some of them are working at the NY Post.
Lisa told the guys that Shuli will have some stories about the Ronnie the Limo Driver Block Party. They also have a Page 69 story about someone on the staff who is upset that they haven't gotten a gift from Howard. It was supposed to be Sal but he came in and said that's a bunch of horse shit and the story isn't true. Howard wrapped up with Lisa a short time later and let her go.
Howard liked what he was hearing so much that he couldn't wait until tonight to listen to the show. He played a bunch of clips from the show. He figured she must have been pretty hot if Richard had her on. Richard came in and said she really is hot and her movies are good too. He'll only have girls on the show that he's really into. He wants the show to be interesting so that's why he has people like that on with him.
Howard gave Nikita a plug and said you can check her out at NikitaDenise.com. Richard told Howard that she talks about one scene she shot where a bunch of guys jerked off on a basketball and she licked it all off.
Howard played a clip where JD was trying to have a phone sex type of conversation with her. It wasn't very sexual and Richard said someone told him that Gary the Retard having phone sex with Robin was more sexual than this was. Howard tried to find that call since Artie hadn't heard it yet. The call is something Richard set up where he had clips of Robin talking dirty to Gary the Retard. Gary thought it was really her and started talking dirty back to her. Artie said Gary did seem to be pretty good at phone sex.
Howard said they got some voice mails from Andrea last night and she was going nuts because she missed her plane. He played one clip where she assured Will that she and her mother would be there even though she missed her flight. She also asked for a bottle of Jim Beam and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
In another clip Andrea's mother called Will and told him that she can't get a bottle of Jack Daniels because it was Sunday night and no one would sell a bottle to her. Howard said that's some mother she's got there, no one else's mother would go out and try to get them booze like that.
Howard said he heard from someone that Andrea wanted to come in and seduce this guy Trent Tomlinson. He read a note that one of the guys who told him about the whole thing. The writer said that Andrea is under the impression that she was actually a good singer in that performance of hers. She has not idea that everyone liked it because she was drunk when she did it.
Howard read the e-mail where the guy claims that his sister sucked the guy off and how they were in high school at the time. Howard also replayed another Gary Garver interview with Leon Spinks.
Howard brought up the ''Rock Star Supernova'' show that he's been watching lately. He said he's pretty sure he knows who will win. He said the best part of the show is Brooke Burke's awful reads of her lines from the teleprompter. He said there's no inflection in her voice. He said he likes the show because it's so stupid.
Howard played a voice mail from a fan who went off on Scott DePace for some of the stuff he was talking about last week about global warming being possibly caused by the sun. There was another voice mail from High Pitch Eric who went off on Crazy Alice without a reason. Artie thinks he's just doing that trying to get into a fight to get some attention on the show.
Howard played an audio clip of Sal going out and asking women what they would rather have, a big penis or a big paycheck. All of the women in the clip said it would be the big paycheck.
Trent and his band performed the song ''Drunker Than Me'' (from the album Country Is My Rock) which is the song that Andrea sang while drunk the last time she was up there at the Stern Show. Howard said he was amazed that Andrea could remember the lyrics to the song because they're not easy to remember. Trent said he even has trouble with them sometimes.
Howard said that Trent has opened up for bands like Bon Jovi and John Mellencamp so it's not strictly country fans that he's performing for. Trent told Howard that one of his guys used to be in The Black Crows but he had a falling out with them. The guys said that he's talking to the band now but he had to get out back then because they were playing too long for him. They turned into a jam band and would just keep going on and on while playing.
Howard spent some time talking to Trent about his career and how his father actually wanted him to be a basketball player. Trent said his father used to play himself so he tried to groom him for the same career. He said now his father is happy with what he does and calls radio stations trying to get them to play his songs.
Robin asked Trent if it was true that he was part of one of these reality TV shows where he showed off his talent. Trent said he did participate in one contest and he lost out to a woman by two tenths of a point. She won $50,000 and he walked away with a jacket.
Howard gave Trent a plug for his album Country Is My Rock and his web site TrentTomlinson.com before bringing in Andrea ''Miss Howard Stern.'' She changed her hair and the guys were all kind of stunned by it. The hair had turned grey according to Howard. Andrea said she was very nervous and had trouble getting her hair done.
Andrea said she had trouble finding booze yesterday so Gary told her that maybe she should have just gone to a bar instead of trying to buy a whole bottle. Howard asked Andrea about the plan she had for trying to seduce Trent. She said that wasn't true and her friends were just trying to say that's what she wanted. Howard asked Trent if he would bang her. He said he would and he would even come back and tell Howard about it.
Howard asked Andrea what she was on this morning because she seemed a little wasted. Andrea said she had one shot of Jack Daniels she got from the plane and she's also on some medication. She explained how her father put her in a home after she got into an accident in her car.
Andrea was talking about how her father put her in this home and how she still lives with him but treats him like crap. She said her mother has helped her a lot and got her out of the home. Howard said that maybe her father is the one who really cares about her and wants to get her help. Gary asked if they could meet Andrea's mother because she was there in the green room. Will tried to get her to come in but she refused. Howard had him go out there with a wireless microphone to get her.
Howard said that maybe Andrea should have stayed in the home she was in. Her mother said the place wasn't a nice place and that's why she got her out of there. Howard thanked her for that a short time later and got back to Andrea.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Andrea about her drinking and the pills she's taking. She said she really needs some booze to loosen up a bit for this song. The guys were trying to figure out how they were going to perform the song but no one was sure who was going to sing what and when. Andrea said she knows the whole song so she could sing it all herself.
Trent had her come over and have a drink with him. They then suggested that Andrea sing the first verse and then they'd perform the rest of it. She tried to sing it but screwed up a couple of the lines. Then Trent came in and sang a duet with Andrea. He let her sing a little more on her own and then came back in and sang a little more with her.
Howard said she's kind of sexy when she sings. Gary said he would totally pay to see that show. Trent said they might have to put her on tambourine or something and get her in the band. Artie said she's sexy all the time but it goes up a notch when she sings. Trent is performing at the Mercury Lounge in NYC tonight at 7 so he invited Andrea to come see them there.
Howard mentioned that Andrea had a kid which seemed to surprise Trent. That led to the guys talking about how the kid is half black. Then they asked her what her name was. Andrea said that her name is Beyonce. That made Artie laugh pretty hard. She said she's going through hell right now with the kid and she needed a drink after the guys goofed on her name. Artie was goofing on her saying that she has a black son by the name of Ludicris. Andrea got another drink after Howard asked her mother if it was okay. She said she could have a couple of drinks if she wanted.
Artie said he can't wait to see what Beyonce looks like she she's 18. Andrea said she looks just like her right now. Howard asked why she's going through hell with this kid. Andrea said that the daughter's father has problems with his girlfriend and won't take pictures down of her. Howard asked her if she ever thought about having an abortion before she had this kid. Andrea said she had an appointment to do that but she decided against it. She's had other abortions though. She said she's had 2 of them.
Howard asked Andrea if she knows any of Trent's other songs. She knew a couple of them and she was willing to perform. Artie told her to sing the one about her half black kid. He sang a little bit to Trent's song earlier so Trent came up with some lyrics of his own and had Howard singing about that as well.
Howard said that it must have been great for Andrea to have performed with Trent. Andrea said it was great and thanked Howard and Trent and a bunch of other people for making it happen. She said she wanted to sing with Trent again so she came up with a couple of songs but settled on ''Cheatin' On My Honky-Tonk.'' Trent started the song and Andrea attempted to sing along with him. She didn't seem to know all of the lyrics. It could have been all of the booze she had been drinking this morning though.
Gary told Andrea that they had closed the bar but she was kind of upset about that. Gary told her that if she showed them her tits, he'd give her the whole bottle. Andrea never shows them her boobs and she was saying something about knowing them since she was 18 years old and how she's 23 now but there was no good excuse there. Howard said she must have nipple hair or bad implants. Andrea said that's not true and she doesn't have either. She just can't show them her boobs.
Howard was still trying to figure out the story she told earlier about getting into a car wreck and getting put in a mental hospital. She tried to explain more about that but she ended up talking about how guys just give her money and that she was out looking at BMWs the night she got into her accident. She was saying she makes about $1,000 a week from guys who just give her the money.
Howard said that she will lose her looks some day and wanted to know how she's going to make money then. Andrea said she won't be around when that happens and she hopes that she's not around after the age of 30. She's 23 now. She said she can't live that long because she thinks she'll look horrible then. Howard asked Trent if he still wants to bang this chick after hearing all of this. Trent said ''I don't know...'' Trent asked Andrea what she does to make the money she was talking about. She said the guy just won't go away and keeps giving her money. She said he gives her $800 to $1000 a week for no apparent reason. She says she doesn't have anything going on with him.
Andrea said that she's supposed to be doing a movie for Stuttering John and he wanted her to plug it. Gary told Howard that she's not totally out of her mind and John is supposed to be preparing some kind of horror movie that he's producing but it apparently doesn't have a plot yet.
Howard talked about how hot Andrea was looking this morning and started to wrap up with her. He asked her to rate some of the guys on the show. He asked her about the following guys...
Shuli said he saw Ronnie take the caterer with him to pay him and he grabbed him by the shoulder and said ''Take a walk with me...'' like he was in the mob or something.
Howard played some audio of Ronnie singing the Hokey Pokey and The Wanderer karaoke style. The guys at In Demand showed some pictures of Ronnie in his cut off t-shirt so that got the guys goofing on him even more. Sal was going off on him and goofing on the way he was dressed.
Howard goofed on Ronnie's performance of The Wanderer. He also heard that Ronnie went up to the female DJ and told her to take her glasses off so she'd look sexier. Ronnie was singing a bunch of other songs karaoke style. Howard played one clip where Ronnie was goofing on Robin's assistant Kerry about what she was wearing. Robin asked Ronnie what's wrong with him.
Howard wondered what's wrong with Ronnie because he's an asshole. He invites people to his party and then goofs on them. Ronnie said Howard does the same thing but he said he wouldn't do something like that to a guest at his party. Ronnie was saying that Kerry had ''plumber's ass'' and pointed out the kind of underwear she was wearing.
Shuli said that Steve the Intern was there and Ronnie was all over his girlfriend. In another audio clip Ronnie was trying to goof on Howard about spending time in the Hamptons but it wasn't funny. Howard told him he's out of line when he's goofing on Robin's assistant. Sal said he wouldn't even do something like that.
Howard told Ronnie that he's got no class. Ronnie didn't care and said he's not expecting any invitations to his parties. Howard said he was going to invite him to a party but now he's off the list. Richard said the burgers were really good at Ronnie's party. Doug Goodstein came in and said he heard that Ronnie threw a chair at his neighbors because they were singing karaoke so bad. Ronnie said that's not true. He also told Doug they can't put up all of the video they shot because he didn't sign a release.
Ronnie was in one of those bouncy castle things that's supposed to be for kids. They got video of that so they played it in the studio while everyone laughed. Ronnie was trying to goof on Sal about his wife not even letting people in their house because they might have germs but Sal just laughed at him, not with him. In one of the clips Ronnie was yelling about how he has the prostate of a 35 year old so the guys picked up on that and goofed on him for a few minutes about that. Howard told him he's got the arms of a 13 year old girl which got a few laughs.
Shuli said he's got more clips from the party that they'll be playing on Howard 100 News throughout the day. Howard took a call from a guy who asked Ronnie what he was doing with Robin's assistant. Ronnie said it wasn't just him, there were other guys there making fun of her plumber's ass and taking pictures. The caller told Ronnie you just don't do that to people that you invite to your party. Ronnie called him some names and said he doesn't know what he's talking about.
Richard told Howard that Scott the Engineer was wearing really short shorts and had his socks pulled up to his knees. He said he looked like a P.E. Teacher. The guys said the party was actually very good as far as the food and that stuff.
Shuli said that Sal made a really inappropriate comment about Doug Goodstein's wife who is pregnant. Sal said that he said he'd like to bang Marlo because it would be like banging two people at once. Ronnie said he's got pictures of Doug Goodstein making out with his daughter-in-law too. Doug came in and said he kissed her on the cheek and he doesn't even know her name. Shuli said that Sal's comments were worse than what he just said and gave him more details.
Shuli said Sal actually said that he would like to bang Marlo in the pussy and then his cock would go into the baby's mouth. He said it right in front of Doug too. Doug said he heard part of that and didn't want to hear it repeated at the party so he kept on moving.
Howard told Ronnie that he should be more respectful of people at his parties. Ronnie said from now on he's going to sit in his house and just watch the people instead of participating.
Brian Phelan came in and said that Richard pulled down Will's pants at the party right in front of his kid. So Ronnie wasn't the only one doing inappropriate things at the party. Sal asked what kind of guy brags about having a young prostate like Ronnie was doing.
Howard let Ronnie go after that and tried to take some phone calls. One guy said that he loves when they rag on Ronnie because he's like the same kind of douche bags he has on his block. Howard said Ronnie is doing his own show out there. He played more audio from his party. Ronnie was singing ''YMCA'' and throwing in references to the West Side Scores strip club at one point.
Howard told Artie that if he does go there, no one else will have gone there before. He'll be going where no man has gone before. Artie heard that George Takei is going to be at the roast so that should be pretty good.
Howard read that Kendra Jade is returning to porn and is scheduled to shoot the movie this week. He read a story about her return to porn and they talk about her history with Jerry Springer and some of the other stuff that she's been involved with.
Howard quickly mentioned that Isaac Mark from In Demand got engaged last Thursday. He also said that Brian Phelan's wife is pregnant with their third child.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Miss Howard Stern's performance on the show with Trent Tomlinson and the revelation that her daughter's name is Beyonce. Jon said they'll also talk about Sal learning more about Howard at Ronnie's party. There will also be discussions about Artie's relationship with Dana which is apparently still alive. Howard wrapped up with Jon after that and had Robin start her news.
Howard saw that Robin's assistant was in her booth so he asked her what she thought of Ronnie's party. She said in the end she had a good time. She said she just went along with the button pushing because she knew it would keep going if she said anything. She said that Ronnie actually apologized to her out in the hall so things are all good. She said Ronnie is all good in her book. Howard asked her if she's ever been treated that way at any other parties she's been invited to. She said that's never happened before. She also said she'll be more cautious about going to his parties in the future.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked Howard if he wanted to come to his party next weekend. Howard jokingly said he would be there. Jeff doesn't like Ronnie because of the way he treats him when he comes on the show. Howard asked Jeff if his mother's estate was settled. He said it has been settled and he didn't get a cent. He said his brother has already moved and he was in charge of paying everything. Now nothing has been paid for the past 3 months.
Howard asked Jeff how he's going to pay his bills. Jeff isn't sure because he gets SSI checks and it won't cover his bills. Artie asked him how much he'd need to make to cover everything. Jeff said it would have to be about $800 a month or so. He gets a check for about $600 a month for the SSI checks. He would only need to make about $200 more to cover his bills so Howard suggested he give up smoking and drinking and he'd be set.
Jeff said he has a car too so he has to pay car insurance. He said he does have a roommate though so he helps out. That brother doesn't have any money. Artie said he could listen to these stories all day long. Jeff was talking about how his mother's house sold for $80,000 and Artie couldn't believe that a house up there (in NY State) sells for that little money. He said it makes you feel better about yourself when you hear those stories.
Jeff's mother left him a house to live in and a lot of people would kill for that. Jeff said something about his brother having four kids with four different wives so that got Artie laughing a bit. Howard wrapped up with Jeff and had Robin finish up her news. They ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard said he was up at 1 in the morning and tried to get back to sleep after eating something. He went back to bed and was up again by 4 in the morning. Then he realized that he doesn't have to do the show this early in the morning. They could do it at 10 in the morning or something but he figures that people want to hear it on their way into work. He's really not sure what to do and everyone there is looking to him for an answer but he doesn't really have one.
Artie asked Howard about the afternoon shift since that's what he used to do at K-Rock when he first started out. Howard said he liked working those hours but he's not sure if there were that many people listening. Robin said Afternoons were great because you had a morning you could do things then you worked and you had an evening to play with. Howard said he's going to stick with these hours since he's happy where he's at.
Howard said that there are a lot of guys out there cheating on their wives and the women just don't know about it. The guys will say that they have it built into them that they have to go out and bang everyone they can. He said that's not exactly true, it's that guys want to be in control and want their egos stroked so that's why they get other chicks.
Howard read that Carmen Electra is apparently hanging out with Jamie Foxx these days. He said it's not really killing him but he figures that's why she'd never have dated him. He said he could almost hear her saying ''he's too Jewy looking'' when he'd hang out with her. He put some echo on his voice and pretended to be Carmen's mind thinking about dating Howard Stern and what he could teach her.
Howard said he was reading about Jews last night in a book that he couldn't remember the name of. He said he was reading that there are only about 13 million Jews in the whole world and about 5 or 6 million of them are in America. He said that the Jewish religion is a weird religion because it's something you're born into. When people ask about what you are, the Jews always say that they're Jewish when someone like Robin can say that she's Black instead of Christian.
Howard said they have to stop that nonsense about people being Jews if they're born to a Jewish woman. Artie said that he read about post World War II Poland and how there shouldn't have been any anti-semitism there after the war because they were all fighting a common enemy. It turned out that there was even more anti-semitism though. The guys spent some time talking about that. Howard said that the Poles are notorious Jew haters.
Howard said he knew a Jewish guy who married a Christian girl and ended up changing his name from a Jewish name to a name like Smith so he wouldn't have to tell the kids that he was a Jew.
Howard said he wanted to compliment The Friday Show because they do a bit where they play rejected bits and found one that Sal and Richard did that people really liked. He said he still doesn't think it's that great but the fans want to hear it. He played a call that a guy made where he went off on him about rejecting it. He played it a short time later. Sal and Richard took clips of Mike Walker and had him just saying ''Hello'' and telling the Chinese woman on the phone that he was hungry. Howard was laughing as he was listening to it.
Howard said he listened to that call a few times and didn't like it. He was annoyed by it but Artie said that he liked it. Robin said that Howard wasn't wrong, it wasn't that great. Artie said he thinks it should be in rotation. Robin said no, Fred said maybe in a light rotation. Benjy got a vote and said that he was reading about Dustin Hoffman and said he drifted off so he'd say ''no'' to putting it into rotation. Howard went off on Benjy for not just answering the question. He was trying to let them know that he was drifting off during the bit but Howard just got irritated with him.
Howard asked Gary for his thoughts on putting it into rotation. Gary didn't answer so Fred threw in a Baba Booey song parody to the tune of The Flintstones theme song. Gary came in and said he thinks it should be in rotation. He knows it's a dopey bit but the guys back in the Howard TV studio were all laughing at it.
The guys played the video and watched Andrea rolling around just about nude as Trent and his crew came up with a song about her. Trent and his guys actually sang a song about Miss Howard Stern as she danced for them on the bus. Howard said she was showing ass and they should put that up on Howard TV tonight. Her top came off but Andrea was covering up with her hands. Howard said that might be the hottest thing he's seen and now he's thinking that she's going to end up having a white baby to go with her half black daughter.
Gary said he thinks that Andrea's mother was there in the bus sitting next to the camera guy. Gary said he'll ask Doug when they're going to get this up on Howard TV. Howard wondered how many of those guys actually banged her last night. Gary said Trent had to have gotten her at least. Howard said there was a nip shot of her on the bus and he likes the small nips she has.
Howard asked Robin if she has big nips. Robin said her areola's are very large. She said that they actually reduced the size of hers and they're still huge. She said they cut the areola down a bit but they can only go so far. Howard said he's so proud of Robin for having that breast reduction.
Howard couldn't believe that Andrea's mother was there as Andrea was dancing naked for those guys. Robin didn't know why Andrea's mother wouldn't come in the studio to talk to Howard yesterday but she would go on the bus with her daughter while she danced naked.
Richard came in and asked Robin if she would press her breast into some clay so they could see how big her areolas were. She was saying ''No!'' as soon as Richard came in the studio. She knew it was going to be something crazy and refused to do it. Howard said Richard is obsessed with her breasts and he's got another song parody about them that he quickly played.
Howard asked Richard about his girlfriend and how that's going but Richard said he can't talk about it because her mother is a big fan of the show and he doesn't want to get in trouble with her. He said that things are going very well but he still pleasures himself once in a while.
Artie and Howard tried to figure out what Evil Dave's IQ must be. They were figuring an 80 or 90 IQ. Gary said he asked Dave if he's got something like ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and Dave said he's never been diagnosed with anything like that. The guys figured that KC has a higher IQ than Dave does though.
Howard played another clip where Dave said ''Low self estidle'' instead if low self esteem and that got Artie laughing his ass off. Howard played another PSA where Dave was saying a few words about the fans who had retarded children. Howard said they should run those things as commercials, not only on his channels but on all of the channels there at SIRIUS.
Howard said he had a game to play. They gave Dave some celebrity names to say and they were going to guess if he could actually say the name correctly. The first name was Alanis Morissette. Howard and Artie said there's no way he could say that one. Robin said she thinks he can so Howard said he'd bet $10,000. He played the clip and Dave actually said it correctly.
The next name was Chynna Phillips. Howard doesn't think he can say anything right. He was right on that one. He said ''Cynthia'' on that one. He got Gillian Anderson right but said David Bowie as ''David Booey.'' John Belushi was ''John Beluski.'' Luciano Pavarotti was ''Luciano Pavaroaty.'' He said Sigorney Weaver correctly. Isabella Rossolini was ''Isabella Roosalini.'' Dave said Arnold Schwarzenegger as ''Arnold Schwarzenhegger.'' He had some trouble with Mikael Barishnikov but no trouble with Patricia Arquette.
Howard played a couple of others and then played another PSA. They had Dave call into a cable access show last week and had the host convinced it was actually Dave Letterman until he started talking about liking the colored's and asking if the host wanted to suck his cock. They had Dave call the show back as a black man but his impression of a black man wasn't very good. The host went off on Dave for calling his show with nonsense like that saying that he should get a job.
Bong Hit Bill asked Howard if Riley Martin is going to be back on soon. He said that Tim Sabean had a conversation with him and asked him what he really wants to do that job. Riley finally told Tim that he wants $5 million but they really can't give him that kind of money. Tim came in and said that Riley first told him he wanted 7 figures to do the show. Then he told him that it was $5 million. Tim reminded him that it's an hour long show that only airs twice a month. They can't give him that kind of money.
Tim said he'd have to get back to him on that and let him know what his expectations are. He's going to call him back today. He will give him a little bump in pay but it won't be that $5 million. Howard figures Tim will give Riley $250 per show instead of the current $205.
Gary said that Riley's co-host has been calling to let them know that XM has just hired Art Bell's Coast to Coast just to let them know. Riley claims that he's in discussions with other people but Howard doesn't believe that anyone is offering him a job. He played one of the Riley song parodies they have to the tune of the Looney Tunes theme song.
Howard said that Tim spoke to Riley and asked him what his expectations were as far as pay. He reenacted the phone call and had Tim passing out after hearing that $5 million figure. They played a couple of Riley song parodies after that.
Howard said he had to get a couple of moles removed from his back so he went to the doctor and had them sliced off. He said they didn't really have to be removed but Beth didn't like them so he had them taken off. The nurse didn't know what to call that area of his back so the doctor said he guessed that it would be the shoulder.
Howard said the doctor had him lay on his stomach and gave him a shot and then cut them right off. There was no pain at all for him. He said he didn't feel a thing. Other people freak out when they get a needle in the back but it didn't bother him at all.
Robin said she was watching a TV show about bad plastic surgery and there was one girl who had breast implants that made her look like she had four breasts. She was a woman who was making a living as a swimsuit model but now she can't even show her body.
A woman, Seeca, called in and started calling Howard names and saying that he was ruining her life. He ended up calling her the C-word and going off on her about her accent. She had a little bit of an African accent that he picked up on. She said she was from Tanzania so Howard told her that he hates that country. That pissed her off so she went off on him cursing him out a little bit. He told her he had to go and told her to go fuck herself.
Another caller told Howard that he was working on a big project at work and he had been listening to Howard 100 for 24 hours straight and heard yesterday's show four times in a row. He also told Artie that he might be able to get Artie the domain name ArtieLAnge.com back for him so he doesn't have to keep using Artie-Lange.com anymore. Artie said that when he was on MAD TV someone grabbed that ArtieLange.com domain name and he had no idea that was going on. He said they wanted like $150,000 from him to get the name. It was some Japanese porn company that owned it. Artie said he'd be interested in that so he had the guy leave his number.
Howard got a note from Kendra Jade who says that the story Howard read about her getting back into porn was false. She's not going back into the business.
Artie wasn't coming up with any details, he was letting the big news person do that. Howard asked Artie what's going on there but he didn't want to talk about it. His eyes were rolling back in his head and he looked miserable according to Howard. Artie said he's not sure what's going on and it's got to be pretty clear to Dana that he's not going to a psychiatrist like she wanted him to.
Artie said that Steve Langford came after him for over an hour yesterday. He was goofing on Langford's ''twitchy eyes'' and saying that he's the one that got the story out of him. Howard said it sounds like Artie is going to be getting laid this weekend if he's going out with Dana.
Howard said that he's got a week off at the beginning of August and another one at the end of the month. They're actually taking off less time than they could take off this year because they're so dedicated to the show these days. He was saying that his doctor told him that he's too tan from being out in the sun too much this year. He said that's the guy who took the mole's off his back. He and the guys ended up talking about skin cancer for a short time.
Howard brought up the problem he had with his prostate and said that it may have been related to the crap he was eating on vacation because he was shitting a lot. He said he was thinking of cutting back on his drinking because that's what was causing some of the shitting problems. He's going to lay off the spicy foods and get back to the basics. He thinks that Ronnie actually helped him out by bringing up the problems he has when he has hemorrhoids. He said they both have the feeling that they have to pee when they stand up quickly and Ronnie said he got that from the 'roids.
Howard asked Artie if he could throw out the box of Devil Dogs that was behind his chair. Artie said he could because those things do go bad and he hasn't touched them in a while.
Lisa said that they had a reporter who came very close to getting arrested recently. She said that it was Penny Crone and she got into a verbal altercation up in Maine where she has a house. The cops showed up at her house and told her not to show up at the store she had the altercation at. They'll have more on that story on Howard 100 News. She also said that they'll have a report on Blue Iris and about Miss Howard Stern hanging out with Trent Tomlinson.
Howard had a new voice mail from Richard Christy's father. He called Richard to let him know they had sent some Gooseberry Jam to him. Howard said he saw the jam and it looked pretty gross to him. Benjy actually took it home to eat it but he hasn't tried it yet. He said it looked like there were some entrails or something in it so he's waiting to make sure it's just berries.
Howard played the voice mail where Blue talks about her problems peeing and how her feet were swollen up from that. The guys goofed on her about that for a short time. Howard and Artie were doing their impressions of her.
Howard brought up the story about Colin Farrell being confronted by a stalker fan (Desiree Bradford) on The Tonight Show and how they cut that whole segment out of the show. He said the woman has a web site and she's got a song up on the site about Colin and Alec Baldwin. She sings about fucking Alec in his ass. There were some fart-like sounds in the song so that led to Fred playing the Mike Walker fart sound and a bunch of the bits they created with that clip and other Mike Walker clips. Richard told Howard that his parents got another chicken and named it ''Turd.'' Howard said he didn't care so much about that voice mail.
Howard and the guys talked about Leiberman for a short time and then Howard got to some e-mail. He said he got a lot of feedback about the discussion they had with Ronnie about his block party yesterday. One fan said they should fight with Ronnie every week. There were others who took Ronnie's side and said that bashing him was wrong.
There were some people who wrote in about Artie's looks and how he seems to have lost them. Artie laughed when he heard that. Another fan wrote in about Artie's tickets selling out down at the Borgata in Atlantic City in just two days. Howard read an e-mail from a fan who thinks that Sal is the next Mark David Chapman and should be fired before he can kill Howard.
Howard said there's a ''Beer League'' movie poster out and it appears that Artie may have been air brushed according to a fan. They took a look at the poster and Artie said he was pretty thin last year so it was his body but Howard didn't believe it.
Fans wrote in about Miss Howard Stern's appearance on the show yesterday. There was also one guy who wrote in about Peter Cooke and Christy Brinkley. A writer said that Christy is broken down and she hasn't been hot since the movie ''Vacation.''
Howard read a story about Keith Olbermann and how FOX news is saying he crossed the line when he did something on his show where he was goofing on Bill O'Reilly. He apparently put on a Bill O'Reilly mask and gave the Nazi salute at some event.
Howard brought up another story about a host of a kid's show on the Sprout network because she appeared in a video for a ''technical virginity'' spot. She talked about doing anal sex instead of regular sex to keep her virginity. It was a fake PSA that's actually been around for a while but she got fired from her job over it. Howard wondered why he would do something to jeopardize a job like she had on Sprout by doing something so dopey. Gary said that bit is about 4 or 5 years old so she didn't know she was going to be on that network. Howard said he feels bad for this woman Melanie Martinez now, he thought she just did that spot recently.
Howard said he was out looking for a job when he got out of college and almost went to work for a porn movie company until his parents told him that it could ruin his career if he did something like that. Howard said he didn't know he'd be doing what he's doing these days, otherwise it wouldn't have made much of a difference. Gary said Brian Phelan used to work for some porn company but it didn't seem to effect his career.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he had a therapist who wanted to recreate the scene from Private Parts where the woman got off while sitting on the speaker while Howard hummed into the radio. The guy said he ended up doing it with the therapist. He said he went to her about 3 or 4 months before this happened. He said she's in her 40s and is really turned on by the show. He said the therapy only costs him about $30 a pop thanks to his HMO.
The guy went through the story and said that he ended up eating her out on the floor after the recreated the scene from the movie. He said she had to stop being his therapist but told him not to loose her phone number. The guy hasn't heard from her since then and that was about a month ago.
Howard let the guy go and said that guys are the worst at telling stories because he just left out a lot of details.
Howard asked Wendy about who she likes to date. She said she's never really been attracted to a white man in the marital way so she sticks with black guys. Howard said that some black woman find that black men don't treat them all that well so that's why they go after white guys. Wendy said that her husband is great and he's her ''super nig*er'' who manages her career.
Howard said that Wendy has blonde hair and asked her if she gets a lot of flack from other black women. Wendy said she doesn't have a problem and Robin wondered what hair color has to do with anything. Howard changed subjects and asked Wendy about her husband cheating on her since the Peter Cooke and Christy Brinkley story is in the news. Wendy thinks that she shouldn't take him back. She said that her husband did cheat on her but she was on bed rest during her pregnancy and couldn't have sex with him for that whole time.
Wendy said she found out about her husband cheating when she listened to him talking to someone on the phone in another room. She said he fessed up to the cheating as soon as she confronted him. She said she had already had the baby by then and had gained 103 pounds just laying there in bed. She had no idea how to be a mother and had a difficult time adjusting to the weight and all of that.
Howard asked Wendy how she got into radio. She told Howard she worked on her college station and then went to work for a guy as an intern up in Boston. She was reading the news on her college station but that news stuff wasn't for her. She said she's now working at WBLS in New York City and her show starts at 2pm. She runs the show syndicated from 2-6pm and does another hour just for the New York area.
Howard asked Wendy if she likes anal sex. She said it's not her favorite but she does it sometimes. She wasn't sure if he ever got any mud on the helmet. Howard heard that Angry Black doesn't like Wendy so he asked what's up with that. Wendy said she once had three people from the show on her show. Fred the Elephant Boy had sex with a woman who wanted him on her show. King of All Blacks was on the show back around the time he had his own show on SIRIUS and then Angry Black ended up confronting her in a restaurant.
Angry Black was on the phone and said he saw her there and suggested that Wendy have him on her show instead of King of All Blacks. Angry said he may have been out of line that night and her husband came up to him at the bar after he had walked away like he wanted to fight him. Wendy said that her husband could have beaten the crap out of Angry Black if it had come to that. Wendy suggested that Angry go to the booking agent instead of confronting her in a restaurant.
Howard heard that Wendy's husband was pissed off out in the green room so he had him come in. Howard said he looks like a tough guy. Wendy said his name is Kevin and Howard said he looks like he could pound Angry Black into the ground. Kevin said that Angry was up at the bar still screaming and putting on a show so he asked him to stop. He said Angry was very disrespectful and they were out as a family so he shouldn't have done what he did. Howard said he wishes he was a tough guy so he could get into stuff like this.
Howard asked Kevin about what he does as a career. Gary told him that he manages Wendy's career. She has her own champagne and has her many books and stuff like that.
Gary said that Wendy told him a story about how she got a call from Ted Harbert from E! after they canceled Howard's show. Ted sat in her studio for a few days trying to figure out if they wanted to do a show with her. Wendy said they wanted a cleaner show than she was doing so the deal fell through.
Howard asked Kevin about the mud on the helmet thing. Kevin said she has a very clean rectal area so that's never happened. Howard asked Wendy if she tosses her man's salad. She said he's never asked him for that so she hasn't done that.
Howard read that Wendy is in a battle with Method Man but there really wasn't all that much to it. Wendy said she never said anything bad about his wife like people thought. She thinks that Method Man is trying to get some publicity for his new album so that's why he's bringing this stuff up now.
Wendy told Howard that they had a bottle of her best Champagne for him as a gift. She said they had some Howard Stern Style to bring the gift in for him. Gary first asked about how Wendy got rid of one of her husbands at one point. She said that she ended up moving out after he went to work one day. She said they had gotten into their last fight and got the hell out of there as soon as she could.
Howard asked Kevin about the woman he was cheating with when Wendy was pregnant. Kevin said it was a very trying time back then and they were going through a lot of distress so he went out with this woman. He said she was the opposite of Wendy. Howard asked him how he met her. He said he met her at a bank that she was working at.
Howard asked Wendy about getting fired from Hot 97 which is a station in New York City. She said she was let go for outing rappers as being gay. She said she ended up sitting on the sidelines while still getting paid. She waited out her non-compete clause by working in Philadelphia and that's around the time Kevin was cheating on her with a woman up in North Jersey.
Howard asked Kevin how often he bangs Wendy. They do it 6 or 7 times a week according to both of them. They said that they still have a lot of sex even after being married for 7 years. Howard gave Wendy some plugs for her champagne and her other stuff. The Champagne is George Vesselle and it was started back in 1965. She said the deal was actually offered to Puffy at one point but he turned it down. They now own 47 percent of the company but they haven't started bringing in any money yet.
Gary said that Wendy was on cocaine at one point and she was doing 4 grams a day. She talked a little bit about that and also said that she was going to do Playboy back around the time she got pregnant but that was canceled after she got pregnant.
Howard had the guys bring in the girls who were bringing his gift in for him. The girls said they were models that work for Kevin. Howard said he smells disaster over the whole modeling agency thing because Kevin has cheated on Wendy in the past.
Wendy asked Howard if she could take the name ''Queen of all Media'' since she's done so many things in her career. Howard said he thinks the Queen of all Media is the woman in the bank that Kevin had. Wendy asked Robin about her TV show deal and what happened there. She said they're still in talks and the show isn't out of the question but it's on hold right now.
Wendy told Howard that it was an honor to meet him. Howard thanked her for coming in and said he'd tune into her show and listen sometime. She asked if Howard would have a job there for her if she lost her job on terrestrial radio. Howard told her to come to him and they'd talk... but they could probably only pay her about $250 per show like they do with Riley Martin.
Gary said that he has to give a shout out to Wendy because she does all of this work and still goes home to take care of Kevin. Wendy said that she not only does that but she goes back out to the clubs after all of that stuff. She's very busy. Howard wrapped up with her a short time after that.
Howard said he doesn't know what Wendy has said about Robin and Robin wasn't really sure either so she wasn't going to get upset about it. Howard said he can't imagine Robin with a blonde wig like Wendy was wearing.
Howard said he wanted to play some more of the final day at K-Rock clips but the guys in the office interrupted him and said they had to find a guy to bang Siobhan. Will came in a short time later and said they have a few guys who are willing to bang her. They have a band that's willing to do it if they can get played on the air. There are other guys who are willing to do it for free. There's one guy who just wants to get drunk with Artie and he'll bang Siobhan. Howard thinks he wants the guy from the band to do it because that would be the funniest thing to do.
Howard said they get a lot of wacky songs from fans so he played a few of them. Richard came in and said they actually get some good songs too. Howard played two bad ones and then a good one (according to Richard). That band's song was sent in by one of the guy's aunts. Howard thought it was a lot to take but it was pretty good. He said he's not sure he'd buy that song but he doesn't really buy any songs.
Howard played one commercial parody about a ''cum paste'' that went on for 2 minutes and 30 seconds. He didn't know where they were going with the bit and it was just way too much stuff in it. He said a mad man must have written that bit. He continued to play it just to find out what they did for the rest of the 2 minutes and 11 seconds that he hadn't heard. Howard said they should call the guy and tell him he's a genius as a joke of course.
Sal came in and said that the Cum Paste bit was the best out of 20 tracks the guy had on his CD. Howard told Sal to get a phone number for the guy so he could call him. Sal just stood there not doing anything so Howard had to tell him to get the number again.
There was still a minute left on the awful bit. Artie said that the bit was actually making him angry because it was way too long and it was wasting his time. The chick in the commercial kept saying ''sperms'' too which was pissing Robin off. Every time it sounded like the commercial was over, it had more time on it. There were 23 seconds left so Howard finished it up. He said he was going to just replay that bit over and over again during the replays of the show just to piss the audience off.
Richard told Howard there were some other good things on his list. There was a song from Crotch Duster that he liked. Howard played that and a few other things. There was a rap song that sounded okay to him. He said it didn't sound any different than the songs they play on the Top 5 list. Richard had Howard play a bunch of other ones that he thought were okay.
Howard told Greg that he did a great job on the commercial he sent in and made him feel like he had done the greatest bit ever. The guy said he does all kinds of erotic stuff and writes a ton of things. He asked Greg why he made the commercial go for over 2 and a half minutes. He said he's made some of them over 3 minutes long.
Greg had no idea that Howard had been ripping on him because he was on vacation in Palm Springs. The guy said he's been a roofer for 13 years and he does this stuff on the side. Howard asked him what kind of money it would take to get him to work there. He told him to keep his wife out of it because he was sitting right next to her. Howard asked Greg what it would take to get him there. Greg said he's just getting into this stuff and he's not sure. Artie broke in and told the guy he should get an agent before making a deal.
Howard asked Greg what he would charge him for the exclusive rights to the Cum Paste bit. Greg didn't know. Tim Sabean came in and asked what they need to get this guy on the show. Greg said this is crazy and it's right on the spot so he's not sure. Artie told him to make sure he retains the rights to the bits.
Howard and Tim asked him once again what kind of money he wants but Greg wasn't able to come up with a number. He said he would need a couple hundred thousand a year, maybe $250,000 a year. Howard told Tim this might be a good deal and said that he might sign him for $250,000 a year for five years.
Greg said that they need to get together to discuss business. Howard told Greg he didn't want to have a meeting and he would give him $300,000 but they would retain the rights to the bits. Greg said he had to talk to his wife quickly. He spoke to her and we could hear her talking about his Volume 1, 2 and 3.
Artie told Greg that for $310,000 a year they want him to roof Fred's house. Another guy called in and offered Greg $500,000 after telling him that his Cum Paste bit was genius. It was just Sal calling in from the office. Doug Goodstein came in and said that they could give him an additional $200,000 to turn his bits into TV shows. That would bring his salary up to $500,000 there at SIRIUS.
Howard asked Greg about the Cum Paste bit and why the woman is moaning as she's brushing her teeth. Greg explained the bit to him and said his idols are Dice Clay and George Carlin. Robin told Greg that they almost mistook his bit for one of Sal and Richard's. Greg said he's got enough material for about 10 or 15 CDs. Howard asked him if they're all as good as Cum Paste. Greg said that they're all great.
Howard broke the news to Greg that his bit is one of the worst things he's ever heard and that they were jerking him around. Riley Martin called in and said that he never heard from Tim Sabean yesterday when he was supposed to. He said that Tim must be as shady as the rest of the motherfuckers there. Howard asked Tim what was going on there. Tim said they got backed up and they will call Riley today.
Howard said he heard that Riley had asked for $5 million to do his show. Riley said that wouldn't even buy toilet paper for Howard. He's ready to go to full time now.
Howard told Greg that they were just dicking around with him and he'd better stay in the roofing business. He told him he knows he's trying but it's just not working. He told him that the bit wasn't funny and it just went on and on and on. Greg tried to defend the bit saying it was hilarious but Howard said it was awful and he should just give it up now. Greg told Howard to listen to some of the other bits before he decides. Artie told Greg that what they just did was funny, his bit was not.
Greg suggested that they listen to some of his other bits before deciding about the whole CD. Howard saw some of the tracks like ''Pussy Eating Machine'' and ''Cum Gum'' so Greg suggested the ''Pussy Eating Machine'' bit to listen to. Howard found the track and tried to play it but the CD wouldn't play in his machine. He tried another bit called ''One Eyed Jack.'' Artie was laughing at the bit but he wasn't laughing at how funny it was, he was laughing at how bad it was. Howard was 30 seconds into the bit and said they didn't know what the hell he was talking about. He did correct himself and said that the Cum Paste bit wasn't the worst he's heard, this ''One Eyed Jack'' bit was the worst.
Howard asked Greg what it would cost them to get every copy of this CD destroyed. Greg wasn't so happy at this point. Howard found another clip called ''You Got Fucked at the Drive-Thru.'' That one was horrible as well. Howard asked him how all of his bits could have nothing funny in them. Greg said that maybe Howard just doesn't laugh at things that are funny. Artie told Greg that he should keep going through life like this because he'll always be happy that way.
Greg put his wife Victoria on the phone so Howard told her how horrible the whole CD was. She said they've sent it to other places as well and they have more bits on a full CD instead of the demo disc that they have. She said she would overnight them a copy of the full CD if he wanted. Howard played another bit called ''Spermaholic'' after she told him it got a great response at this event they went to. The bit was going nowhere so Howard cut it off. Fred told him that it was just getting good so he got back to it.
Howard asked Victoria if she actually saw people laughing at this stuff. She said people were laughing right at the start. She claims that girls were into the CD and bought the CD at this event they were at. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks this is the biggest piece of horse shit he's ever heard. Victoria said that they think this CD is great and it doesn't matter if people don't like it. She didn't like that they called them to goof on them. She said if they didn't like the CD they didn't have to call them and goof on them. Howard told Victoria he had to get going so she got off the phone very quickly after thanking him for that.
Howard told Riley that he knows that his Alien stuff is a line of bullshit and he knows it. Riley said it's no bullshit. He says he's been tested by physicists, doctors, lawyers, military officials and they all apparently confirm his stories. Howard wants to see those tests.
Howard asked Riley how far down he's willing to come from the $5 million demands. Riley said that if he's not performing for him then he shouldn't pay him. Howard said that he's not going to bring in any listeners. Riley said that if he's not performing, then they shouldn't pay him.
Gary came in said that Riley has been in some big trouble in the past and that may effect the negotiations. He said he was arrested for possession of a firearm back in 1988. There were some notes about him being arrested for drug possession as well. Riley said he was never arrested on weapons charges. He said that was after he was robbed and wanted to get his money back.
Riley told Howard to tell him that if he doesn't want him there, then he should let him go now. Howard told him that Tim is going to call him today and try to negotiate. If things don't work out, they'll part ways with no hard feelings. Riley told Howard he's not coming back into the city to do the show anymore. Tim told him they have to do the show there in the studios but Riley said they can set up shows like ''Bubba Sponge'' wherever they're at. Howard asked him where he wanted a studio. Riley said he wants it set up at his house. Howard said he's one arrogant motherfucker because even he and Robin have to do their show there in the city.
Tim asked Riley what kind of numbers he wanted to go up to from his current rate. Riley said he didn't want to talk numbers on the air. Howard had to cut him off after that because he could go on all day long with that. Riley was saying he doesn't have a lot of time left to do this stuff so he wanted to get the negotiations out of the way. He wants to have a sit-down meeting with Tim about the whole thing.
Penny said that she's not even sure why all of that happened because she didn't do anything wrong. She said the story is great though. They should have more on that story on Howard 100 News today. Penny had mentioned that she's blown a ton of cops and fire fighters there in New York so that got Fred playing some porn clips of a woman gagging on a guy's cock. They played that for about 2 minutes straight. Artie said that Penny's son, who is working there as an intern, is probably ready to hang himself.
Steve Langford got back to his news preview and mentioned the Miss Howard Stern thing from yesterday. They haven't heard back from either Miss Howard Stern or Trent Tomlinson but they did hear that Andrea spent the night in his tour bus.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview and said they'll be talking about Wendy Williams' appearance from earlier this morning. They'll also be talking about the bits and songs that they were playing and goofing on. They have a bunch of other things they will talk about if they have time on today's Wrap Up Show. Howard had Robin start her news right after that.
Penny came in and said that he could kiss her ass, she's not mailing a paper towel. She didn't know that it was a cop who was asking for it. Gary said that it's very uncomfortable for him to sit next to Penny's son as she's talking about blowing cops and firemen. Penny said her son is 20 years old and they should all get over it.
Penny said that she's over all of the blowing stuff and she's happily married. She said her son is very well adjusted and things are fine with him. She had to get going after that. There was some discussion about getting Penny a make over but Artie said that it's probably too late for that. He said it would be like putting an extra life jacket on the Titanic.
Jeff the Drunk called in late in the show. He asked Robin if Bubba could eat her sweet snatch. Robin said that Bubba is married and she won't let him do that. Jeff also asked Howard to please give him a job. Howard asked him what he would like to do. Money is kind of tight around there and they can't afford to pay him for nothing. Jeff said he wouldn't even ask for a smidgen of what Riley is asking for. Jeff said he could do a show for him but Howard said he can't sustain anything because he's boring sometimes. Jeff apologized for that but that wasn't getting him a job. Howard told him to come up with an idea and he'll see what he can do. He told him to put on his ''Thinking cowboy hat'' and come up with something.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he and Gary were talking about sports radio and how bad it is these days. Artie said that the shows these days are talking about the fans booing A-Rod because he's not performing the way he should. Howard said Gary told him he can't listen to sports radio because that's about all they talk about.
Artie said he could listen to that stuff all day long. He was also saying that he's a big fan of Scott Ferrall who is on Howard 101 every day. He's going to be on his show next Tuesday to talk sports with him. Artie said he and Ferrall are going to talk college football too because Ferrall says he can pick 75 or 80 percent of the winners. He said he may follow Ferrall's picks this season since he claims he's so good.
Howard doesn't think the college football betting is a great idea based on Ferrall's picks. He thinks Artie is going to have to do a lot of weekend gigs to pay off his bets.
Ronnie came in and said that what really pissed them off was when Wendy was asking to take the title of Queen of all Media. He said they were going off on her about that. Howard said they were talking about how her radio show isn't syndicated and how that would stop her from being the Queen of all Media.
Howard and Ronnie said that a lot of fans liked Wendy's husband more than her. Howard said that Ronnie was the star of the Wrap Up Show yesterday when he was going off on Sal. Robin said she couldn't tune out when she was listening to him toward the end of the show. Ronnie was saying that Sal was talking about his neighbors like he knew them but he really doesn't know them at all.
Howard played some of the audio from the Wrap Up Show where Ronnie and Sal were going back and forth. Howard said it may have been the funniest thing he's heard. In the clip Sal was calling Ronnie a ''Jew bastard'' and talking about his ''guinea'' neighbors. The guys went off on him about that but Sal wasn't coming in to defend himself this morning.
Ronnie was upset with Shuli about how he was coming in and setting him up for something. Howard heard he called him and threatened him at home but Ronnie said that wasn't true... although he did call him at home and speak to him.
Sal came in and told Howard he wasn't being racist when he called Ronnie a Jew Bastard, he was just pointing out he was a ''Jew'' and a ''Bastard'' so he was a Jew Bastard. Sal was also saying that he didn't call his neighbors ''guineas'' like they were saying. Ronnie said that Sal was trying to make him look like an idiot. Sal said he was acting like an idiot at his block party so he was just pointing that out.
Sal didn't think that his ''Jew Bastard'' comment was racist because Jew is a religion. The guys tried to tell Sal that he was defining someone by his religion so that was racist. Artie told him to just call him a bastard if he thinks he's a bastard. Howard tried to pound it into his head that he was being racist but Sal doesn't believe that's the case.
Howard said Sal appears to not like Jews after making a comment like that. There was another comment he made to a woman about having a ''nig*er ass'' which is also racist. Sal thought they were pulling that out because he emphasized the 'R' at the end of the word instead of saying ''nigga.'' Howard and Robin told him that's not what they were pointing out, it's the fact that he's using that term to describe someone's ass.
Sal said he had a great time with Ronnie's neighbors but Ronnie said that his neighbors hated Sal. They were throwing hot dogs at him according to Ronnie. Sal said that if he called Ronnie a Kike or a Hebe, then he'd be acting racist.
Ronnie said he'll never invite Sal to his house again. He said he called Sal at home and invited him after saying he wasn't going to do that on the radio show. Then Sal comes over and acts like that. Ronnie mentioned that Laura was looking for him yesterday after he talked about the discussions he had with her. Sal said that she came to him yesterday and told him to never mention her name on the air again. He had been talking to Laura about Howard at the party and got some stories about Howard out of her. Howard got pissed when he heard that she was doing that so he got into some trouble with her.
Howard was amazed that Laura would tell Sal anything about his life because telling Sal anything is crazy. Sal said she didn't have anything but nice things to say about Howard. Howard said he's still surprised that she would talk to him at all.
Sal said he'll stop talking on the air if everyone wants him to. He thinks he was just ribbing Ronnie on the air after the party and he made it clear that he had a good time at the party. Ronnie told him that he's a very vindictive person and he seems to be trying to take over where Stuttering John left off. He said he used to do the same type of thing to people who invited him to parties.
Howard took a call from King of all Japs who wanted to ask Howard about Sal. He asked if he's doing a bit or if he's mentally challenged. Howard said that Sal may be mentally challenged because he's not doing a bit. He took another call from a guy who pointed out that the guys may get on Sal about being a racist but Gary also said something racist on the Wrap Up Show yesterday.
Howard played the audio of Gary talking about Wendy Williams and her husband Kevin on The Wrap Up Show. He was pointing out that black people give the perception that cheating a couple of times seems to be okay. Gary said he's heard Chris Rock do a rap on that and he knows what he reads so that's where he gets that. The guys were putting Gary on the spot and telling him he's making comments like Sal would make. Gary tried to defend himself but that didn't stop the guys from goofing on him.
Howard told Gary he definitely got into ''Sal territory'' with those comments. Gary didn't think that was the same thing but the caller told him that he had no right to get up on his high horse and call Sal a racist when he does the same type of thing.
Sal and Ronnie got back to their discussions. Ronnie said he doesn't have to be Sal's friend. Sal said he doesn't have a problem with Ronnie and he had a good time at his party. Ronnie told him that everything he does is about the show and he points stuff out that he didn't even see at the party. Howard told the guys he was going to bring and end to it.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard that he's going to have problems with Sal the stalker eventually. Howard asked Sal and Ronnie if they wanted to shake hands and make up. Sal said he already apologized to Ronnie but Ronnie didn't want to make up with him. He's not sure why he's still upset with him. Howard said it doesn't matter because it made for some great radio. Sal said he wanted to call Ronnie a Jew Bastard but according to Howard that was wrong... So he called him a Jew Asshole instead.
Tim came in and told Howard that he did speak to Riley yesterday and he was told not to call him back unless the offer was $5 million. Riley is only doing a show for one hour, two times a month. Riley was ready to do a daily show for that kind of money. Howard did his impression of Riley and reenacted the phone call he had with Tim.
Gary asked Tim if he tried explaining to Riley that no one else is going to pick up his show so this is the only offer he's got out there. Tim said his partner Curtis has been calling in to say that Riley does go through phases like this once in a while.
Howard took a call from a guy who was saying that everyone has a little bit of racism in them and Sal is just letting that be known on the show. Howard said the problem is that Sal doesn't realize that he is saying racist things.
Howard got back to his Riley impression and goofed on him a little more. Tim was about to leave so Howard told him to get back in there. Gary was going to tell Howard about the expression that Tim used in their meeting yesterday. Howard said they hired this guy David to take care of the K-Rock tapes. He said he'll be in charge of all of that stuff so they had a big meeting with him yesterday. Gary said that Tim said something about having to ''culminate'' all of the tapes instead of saying ''accumulate'' the tapes.
Howard asked Tim what was going on with these bulletin boards. Tim said that they're all at war and they don't want to deal with each other. Howard said that Tim is like the Godfather and he should bring together all of the board owners. Gary said he's heard stories about how Mutt's site is being controlled by Howard now that he's working for the show. Howard said he and Mutt haven't spent any time together so he's not controlling anything.
Howard asked Tim why Mutt isn't having people from other boards on the Superfan Roundtable because the show is all about the fans, not about one board. Artie was doing some scenes from ''The Godfather'' and changing some of the lines to work with the bulletin boards.
Howard told Tim that they should talk about that stuff outside of the meeting. He said he didn't even know there were other boards out there and he really doesn't have a problem if they want to be on that show. That led to them talking about getting all the heads of the bulletin boards on the show to have a sit down.
Jason came in and said that Mutt has complained that some of the other heads of the board have given him some death threats so that's why he wants nothing to do with some of them. Artie threw in MarksFriggin in his Godfather lines. Howard asked Jason if Mutt has a problem with MarksFriggin. Jason said that's not a bulletin board and Mutt has no problem with that. Jason said there are three main Stern Fan bulletin boards that he could come up with, SternFanNetwork, HowardShrine and SternChat. Howard said they may have to get them together and have this meeting.
Artie said this is going to be hilarious if they do have this meeting. He was laughing just thinking about it. He did more of his Godfather stuff and cracked himself up. Howard had Mutt on the phone but Mutt hadn't been listening, he was sleeping. Howard asked him what kind of fan he is if he's sleeping during the show. Mutt didn't get a chance to answer.
Howard asked Mutt about how he doesn't want to have any part of doing the Superfan Roundtable if there are other guys from other boards. Mutt said it wasn't like that, he just has a problem with one particular guy who stalks him and won't leave him alone. He said he told Jason he wouldn't show up if that guy showed up. Howard asked him if he wanted to have a sit down with that guy. Mutt said that would be fine with him. Howard told him it'll be like a mafia meeting and they'll try to work things out.
Howard told Mutt he's in charge of his show and he might want to have some other web sites so he's not holding back from having these people on. He said the one site that he has a problem with is HowardShrine and they're mostly the people who have been banned from his site. He said there are certain people who just can't get along with other people that he wouldn't want to have on the show.
Howard told Mutt he doesn't want to catch him sleeping again during the show. He let him go a short time later and asked Tim why he's blowing these things out of proportion. Tim said he just thought Howard should know about that stuff. Howard said he doesn't need to know about dopey things like this because it's not that important.
Artie did more of his Godfather stuff and told Howard that this will be a great meeting if he can bring these guys all together.
Howard said that guy on the phone was the best. He was ready to go off on these guys. Richard said that the brother of that guy is the one who told him to call in with that stuff. Howard said it was worth playing again and again so he started it over after that.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said that he's been trying to get on the SternFanNetwork for about 5 months now and he just can't get ''approved.'' Howard told him to call Mutt tomorrow night and maybe he'll explain it to him. He didn't have any idea what was wrong there.
Another caller asked Howard why his radio has been saying ''Acquiring Signal'' ever since Riley said he was going to mess with the satellites. Howard said he hates when his radio says that but that's satellite. Robin said she hates when they update channels and it interrupts what you're listening to. That led to Howard talking about how there's a new High Definition technology out there but it's just going to be a bunch of sucky radio stations that sound good. He said you won't be able to listen to the stations from coast to coast like you can with satellite.
Howard played a new phony phone call that Sal made using some Crazy Alice audio clips. He called a modeling agency and had Alice getting pissed off at the woman on the line. Sal had her cursing the woman out so she would hang up each time. Howard said that anything with Crazy Alice is great.
Howard said they're expecting a call from Trent Tomlinson who was in the other day with Miss Howard Stern. He heard that he and Andrea hung out all night after the show so they'll be asking him about that. Howard had to go to break after that so they went out with a classic prank call that John the Stutterer made to an Internet Relay Operator.
Trent said that they didn't do anything with her and the most that happened was Andrea taking her top off. Howard said he saw that and said that it'll be on Howard TV tonight. Trent said he can't see that so Howard told him he'd send him a copy of the show.
Howard asked the guys where the e-mail was that Andrea sent to them. Trent said that Andrea told him that she lost her purse when she was out there so he heard from her about that but he knows nothing about it. Gary read some of Andrea's note about trying to contact Trent and she says that he hung up on her.
Howard read a note from the guys who shot the video of her in Trent's trailer and they talked about how she lost her purse and tried to contact Trent about that. Trent told Howard he feels sorry for Andrea because he thinks she has some suicidal thoughts in her head. He said she was having a good time dancing around and then she goes to this really dark place and talks about killing herself.
Trent said that Andrea did ask him to hang out with her but he turned her down. He said he had to do that because she was all over the place with her emotions and she was handing her phone over to him to talk to her father and stuff. He said she was cool and he liked her but he can't go banging her.
Howard asked Trent to give his plugs so he told Howard that he'll be out in Wisconsin soon. Howard let him go after that.
The caller, Angela, said her friend's son was molested by a Catholic priest a few years ago and now he's really messed up. Howard said he thinks she's onto something. Robin said that the problem is parents letting their kids go alone to a church event where they're alone with the priests. Artie suggested that the church just let Priests get laid and that might help the problem of molestation.
Lisa said they'll be talking about Cabbie getting out and Howard said he'd love it if he stopped by to say hello. Artie said that Cabbie still owes him some money too so he'd like to see him. Lisa said that they'll have a story about Mariann from Brooklyn getting upset that Fred plays the crow cawing stuff for Penny Crone. Lisa also mentioned that Joey Boots is saying ''Fuck Shuli'' these days because he seems to have turned on him. Howard read some stuff from the SternFanNetwork where Joey talks about Shuli getting a swollen head now that he's on Howard 100 News. Boots is no longer Shuli's friend according to the post he made on SFN. Artie said that he's inviting Shuli to a Yankee game this week and that might piss off Boots even more.
Lisa said that Joey has a sign up on his web site (BootsTracker.com) that says F-Shuli. Howard said he might have to get those two on the show to talk about this stuff. Howard said it's a very sad day in SuperFan-land now that Boots and Shuli are fighting. Howard thanked Lisa for her report and let her go.
Howard asked Chuck if he got a call from Pam Anderson about her getting married since he's so close with her. He said he didn't get the call and didn't get an invitation to her wedding. Chuck said that was pissing him off because he didn't get the call or the invite. Howard told Chuck about the call he got from her where she said she was getting married. He couldn't imagine who she was marrying since it wasn't all that well known. It turns out it's Kid Rock that she's marrying.
Chuck said he was surprised when he heard that she was marrying Kid Rock. He said he was actually told to keep him away from her at one time. He said he's actually a really nice guy. He said he'd rather have Pam marrying himself instead of Kid Rock though. Howard told Chuck that if he was a woman, he would pick Chuck over a Kid Rock. Chuck is a real manly man and Kid Rock is almost like a woman compared to him. He said he likes Kid Rock too and was just kidding about that.
Chuck said he knew that they weren't seeing each other and all of a sudden he showed up and the next thing he knew, they were getting married. Howard asked Chuck if he ever tagged that (Pam) when he was hanging out with her. Chuck said he would like to have done that but he wasn't saying he did.
Howard said Chuck was in the hotel room the morning he and Ralph were hanging out with Pam. He saw Chuck giving his stare to the guys who weren't welcome to mess with Pam. Chuck said Pam had a meeting that morning and people got pisssed at him for not getting her to that meeting.
Chuck works at Scores so he had a story to tell from last night. He said that last night he worked until about 4 in the morning and he was going to drive one of the girls home. He got a little sidetracked when he told a story about Ralph getting punched out at Scores one night.
Chuck got back to his story from last night. He said there was a new girl who just started last night. He said she's smokin' hot. He was going to drive her home so he asked her where she lives. She was down by 34th and Broadway so he started to take her home. He stopped at one point and a cop knocked on his window. He told him he had tinted windows and no front license plate. The cop took his paperwork and found that there was no cop car there. He said the guy had a meter to test his window tint. The guy turned out to be an MTA cop so Chuck asked him why he doesn't have anything better to do as a transit cop.
Chuck said the cop tested the window and found it was too dark. The guy gave him a ticket for that so Chuck told him who he was and explained how much he respects the cops. The guy couldn't give two shits about that. Chuck asked him what his name was. The guy said it was on the ticket but it wasn't readable so he got out of his car. The cop told him to get back in the car. Meanwhile, the Scores girl gets out of the car and starts walking away down 34th Street.
Howard told Chuck he's not supposed to get out of his car when he gets a ticket. The cop ended up pulling something out of his vest so Chuck was ready to start a fight with him. He was going to take whatever it was and shove it up his ass. He said he got really mad but the cop is telling him to get back into his car. By that time a crowd was gathering and yelling out his name and asking him when he's going back on the Stern Show.
Chuck said the guy told him what his name was so he told him that's all he wanted to know. He said he was going to go to his superior about that. He ended up calling the MTA at 5 in the morning to talk to the guy's boss. Howard said that the guy did something legitimate, he didn't have a front plate and his windows were tinted. Chuck thinks he had better things to do though.
Chuck said he called the MTA and got an emergency number so they had to give him another number. Chuck got a hold of the MTA and got a superior on the phone. He told the guy he wanted to complain about this guy who gave him the ticket. He explained the story and the guy told him that they're allowed to do that but he could come in and file a complaint if he wanted to. Chuck said he was going to file the complaint since they were near where he was at by then.
Chuck said that he went down to the police department to get out of this $120 ticket. He said that it's not about the money though. He said he was steaming mad when he got to the police station which isn't a good thing. He said he walked in and the guys ended up taking pictures with him and told him that the guy who gave him the ticket is that kind of guy. Chuck asked when the guy was getting off of work because he wanted to beat his ass. The cops told him that they couldn't allow that but did let him know that he gets off at 7am.
Chuck said he wouldn't file a complaint about the guy but he did want to beat his ass. He said he's still got those two tickets. The officer who gave him the ticket came walking in a short time later and his face went dead. He ended up walking out of the station after that. Chuck said he was waiting for the guy to show up again but now he's figuring he has to just pay the tickets.
Howard told Chuck he lets his anger take over and it's not good. He was once told to go to anger management classes but he took jail time instead. Gary came in and said that Chuck had a story to tell about being in jail that he wanted to tell when they moved to satellite. Chuck said he went into jail and wore a jogging suit with his toothbrush in his pocket. He was sitting in the cell with a bunch of guys and they recognized him. He said he told them that he was doing research for ''Oz'' when he was in there.
There was one guy in the cell who took a crap and ended up going through his shit and found a balloon full of coke that came out of his shit. The guy ripped it open and started doing coke. He said he saw the guy put some Vasoline on the balloon and he stuck it back up his ass. That's when he wondered what he was doing there. He ended up going into the county jail after that and the same guy came up to him and said that they were going to take over the cell block. Chuck said he was only in for 15 days so he wasn't going to be taking over any cell block.
Chuck said he was sleeping in this awful cot and thinking about how his wife was the one who put him there. The TV show Celebrity Justice covered the whole thing and interviewed him before and after he got in there so that pissed him off too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Chuck's radio show was great when it was on. Howard and Robin talked about how huge Chuck would have been back in the cave man days because he would have had all of the women.
Chuck said he's got a lot of offers to do TV shows and things like that. He's got plenty of stuff to keep him busy. Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Chuck if he laughs at people like Ronnie who pretend to be tough guys. Howard asked Chuck if he thinks Ronnie would be able to defend him if he wanted to attack him. Chuck said Ronnie would take a bullet for him but he's not going to stop him if he wants to get a hold of Howard. He said he would beat the crap out of Howard and then Ronnie would try to stop him and he'd beat the crap out of Ronnie.
Howard asked Chuck who he looks up to. Chuck said Muhammad Ali, Bruce Lee, Elvis Presley and the guys in the UFC are just a few people he mentioned as people he respects. He said he's lost 30 pounds himself so he can get into fighting. He may go into the UFC or something like that. Howard said he would watch that. He said there's another new ''World Extreme Fighting'' group that he may get involved with. Chuck said he's 53 years old so the younger guys may have the advantage.
Robin asked Chuck if he's ever really been hit hard. Chuck said he's been hit with champagne bottles and things like that so he knows what it's like to be hit hard. He said he's going to look for about a million bucks to go into the ring with one of these fights. Howard said he would definitely go to one of those events. He said he really wanted to practice on this guy who gave him the ticket but that didn't happen.
Chuck told Howard that his daughter hasn't spoken to him in a few years and now his grand kids, who are just a few years old, don't even know who he is. He said he's not sure why that is because it was his wife who is sleeping with some other guy now. Howard told Chuck that he just heard that the officer who gave him the tickets just moved to Florida after hearing all of this stuff. He wished him luck with the fighting stuff and went to break a short time later.
Boots said that Shuli will rub it in when he does things for the show. Howard had Shuli on the phone so he put him on with Joey and Shuli said he doesn't know what his problem is because he does try to call him. He goofed on him about his web cam (BootsTracker.com) and how he sits around with his cat all day. Boots was saying that Shuli likes to hang out with this guy Lou from the Ferrall show instead of with him.
Shuli asked Boots who helped him get on the Meet the Shrink show. Boots said Shuli was just doing his job. Boots and Shuli went at each other for a short time and Shuli was making it seem like he doesn't want to hang around Boots because he doesn't smoke with him. Boots said that he's still a little fragile right now.
Robin told Boots that he's the one who has changed, not Shuli. Shuli and Boots used to party together but they can't do that anymore since Boots was in rehab. Boots said he hears a lot of shit from people who don't think he deserves a job on the show. He thinks he does deserve one. Gary told Boots that Shuli doesn't get paid to do a lot of the shows he does, he only gets paid to do the news.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he really needs a job. That led to Jeff and Joey going at each other a little bit. Jeff said that just because he quit drinking for a couple of months doesn't mean that he's a great worker. The two of them exchanged a couple of ''fuck yous'' before Howard let Jeff go.
Howard asked Joey if he's going to continue to post stuff about Shuli. Joey said he will always post the way he feels up there so, yes, he will continue it. Artie said that he thinks that Shuli shouldn't abandon his friend that way and they could still do things together. He said a real friend could handle it and still hang out with the guys.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Joey is just being a crybaby and he shouldn't expect to hang out with Shuli when he can't do drugs. Artie was also telling Boots that he needs to come up with some stuff for the show if he wants to work for them. Boots said he hasn't done stuff for the show lately but he's got to get back into it. Boots said he used to work for Dan the Song Parody Man in the past and even worked for Scott the Engineer when he was doing his DJ stuff.
Howard said he heard that Boots almost strangled Dan the Song Parody Man one night. Boots said that was true but that's what happens between friends once in a while. Howard had Angry Black on the phone so he let him go off on Joey a little bit. Joey said that Angry was just on the phone to get some air time. He said he's just trying to start fake fights like he does with other people. Howard cut Angry Black off and hung up on him so they didn't have to go through that fight.
Howard told Joey that he heard that Shuli and this guy Lou are moving in together. Boots said he already knew that, it's not a surprise. Boots got in a plug for his BootsTracker.com web site where you can see his new cat Timmy. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said this guy will post pictures of Paris Hilton and circle her fat and stuff like that. Perez said his friend fill him in on all of this stuff so that's where he gets his information. Howard asked him if he's ever afraid of getting sued. Perez said he has been sued twice and the first time was about the name of his original site which was Page666.com. Then he got sued for posting pictures from Colin Farrell's sex tape on his site.
Howard asked Perez how he got a picture of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby before they were printed. He said he just got it in his inbox one morning and posted it until he was asked to remove it. He also takes credit for coming up with the Brangelina name for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Howard said he really enjoys the site and has fun checking it out.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about some of the stuff he's seen on Perez's web site. He also talked to Perez about being gay and how he's not able to pick up many guys. Perez said he's not afraid to out people who he thinks are gay. He said that he's been saying that Lance Bass is gay for months and now he's supposed to be coming out in People Magazine. Howard asked him if he thinks that Tom Cruise is gay. Perez said he's not sure but he may be so out there he's not even gay.
Howard said he heard that Perez had something to reveal about Kathy Griffin. Perez said that the gay guys that were hanging out with Kathy left her in the second season of her show. He said that there are some theories about Kathy's husband possibly having a gambling problem and that Kathy may have been forcing him to pay for half of everything that they needed to pay for when they were out on the road. He wasn't sure about that stuff though.
Howard said that there was a report in the paper the other day about Carmen Electra going out with Jamie Foxx and she's denying it. Perez said that he believes that she was in that club and was with Jamie and that this is just a battle of the publicists. Howard told him that he's had Page Six post a story about him buying a stripper a car and that story just wasn't true.
Howard asked Perez if he's ever put his penis in a woman. He said he hasn't done that yet but he's open for anything. Perez told Howard he was at a party in Miami and had his picture taken with this porn star Stormy Daniels and he ended up in High Society magazine after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that his visitors come up with some of the names that he takes credit for on his site. Perez said that they do come up with some but he also comes up with some of them as well. Another caller said that Perez calls himself the Queen of all Media. Perez said he may have to wrestle Wendy Williams for that title.
Perez was saying that all of the tabloids out there lie and he said that Mike Walker is one of the guys who lies about a lot of stuff. They just have to get two people to agree on one story and they can print it. He said that all of the magazines, except for People and Us Magazine, are printing some lies.
Perez told Howard that he dislikes Star Jones and shared his thoughts on her. He said that she comes across as a phony. Howard asked him about the hate he gets from Clay Aiken fans. Perez said that he once posted a story about Clay and his gay lover and his fans went nuts on him saying that he's not gay and threatening him.
Howard asked Perez what he's got up on his site that's hot right now. Perez said the whole lance bass story is fascinating to him. He said he's actually scooped the other magazines on their own story. He said he's working on his own reality TV show now and things have gotten crazy recently since his site took off. He said he's getting a million visitors a day now and appearing on the Howard Stern Show.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up something that aired on the Donny Deutsch show last night. Howard had the audio from the show where Ann Coulter tells a story about him that just wasn't true. She said that she was going to do his show but her publicist told her that they would not even mention her book on the show so she turned it down. Howard said that he would never tell some one that they're not going to plug her book. He asked Gary to tell everyone why she turned down the chance to do the show. Howard called her a lying bitch and then Gary came in and said that she wanted to come on the show as the ''hot Right Wing chick'' but Howard put a stop to that because she's not hot. Gary said they were going to let her come in to spin the wheel of sex but she backed out of doing it the day before she was scheduled to come in. Howard said it had nothing to do with her book, she knew about the show and what she was going to be doing.
Howard asked Gary to get Kathy Griffin on the phone earlier in the interview but he wasn't able to get a hold of her. He gave Perez a plug for his web site and congratulated him on his success. He went to break a short time later.
Gary said there's a clip where Sam Kinison and Bobcat Golthwait got into a battle on the phone that he'd like to hear. Artie said he's been thinking about that stuff and he's got about 10 things himself. Gary said he pulled a clip that he wanted to play today. Howard said he couldn't wait to play this one until Labor Day weekend. He said it's a clip of Jackie Stallone yelling at her husband Frank Stallone Sr. Jackie went nuts and cursed up a storm that morning. Of course this tape was uncensored since they can play the actual conversation on the air at SIRIUS.
Howard played the clip and we hear Jackie Stallone giving Frank a big ''Fuck You'' and then she threw in another F word when she called him a ''fuckin creep'' and another F-word when she said that Frank couldn't fuck. She told Howard that Frank used to beat the shit out of her and Howard had to keep telling her that she can't say that stuff on the air.
Howard said it was such a drag that he had to slow them down and stop them from cursing. He said he would let those two yell at each other for hours on SIRIUS. Artie said the clip was amazing and he remembers hearing about that moment back then but he missed hearing it on the radio. Now he can hear it uncensored. Howard said that one should be in the top 100 clips.
Gary told Howard there are some clips from the last few years there at K-Rock when Sean Lennon and Henry Hill came on at different times and they had to hit the delay about 42 times. Now they can play that stuff uncensored. Howard remembered that day because Sean asked him if he was for free speech. Howard said he had to tell the guy that he was for free speech but he still wasn't allowed to curse on the air. Sean was so out of touch that he didn't realize that people can't curse on the air on terrestrial radio.
Howard had an audio clip of Sal the Stockbroker trying to say the word Villa on the Wrap Up Show yesterday but he called it ''veela.''
The woman said that she doesn't work for Petland, she has a cousin who works for Petland and he got her in on the visit. The manager of the store that won was there and Gary pointed out that she had a tattoo on her arm that looked like Howard. She said it was a Native American though, not Howard.
Howard said that Petland once helped him out with a rabbit he found. Artie said that one of the girls there had come in with Beth one time. Howard said that's Leslie who is good friends with Beth. Leslie told Howard that they have a big event coming up called the DogCatemy Awards where people will be submitting their pet films and stuff. Howard figures he'll be roped into that whole thing somehow.
Howard told everyone to have a good time walking around SIRIUS today, they'll probably run into some celebrities. One of the guys there said that he was no longer working at Petland but he was there when they did the fund raising for this auction. Howard let them go a short time later.
Artie said he once sponsored a kid down in El Salvador for about 7 years and he actually got letters from the kid that his mother may still have. He said he used to send like $25 a month and he'd send $35 around Christmas time. The kid wrote to him and someone had to interpret the letters for him. Howard said they should try to get that kid on the show.
Artie said that after he moved to L.A. The correspondence stopped with the kid. He was 18 by that time. Artie said the kid's name was Minor Salazar and he'll never forget that name. He stopped talking to him after he got into show business.
Steve said they're also going to be doing a report about Gary and his possibly racist comments from the Wrap Up Show. Jon Hein was up next with his show preview. He said that they'll be talking about Chuck Zito's visit today and how he's one of the few guys who has an open invitation to do the show. Howard said he may be the only guy who has that invitation. Jon said they'll also talk about Perez Hilton and the Stern Show bulletin board communities.
Steve the Intern came in and told Howard they have exclusive tape of Travis Crone getting into a battle with Robin's assistant. Howard thanked all of the guys for coming in and moved on. Artie threw in a plug for the Kill or Be Killed show they'll be taping at Caroline's Comedy Club next Monday. The show is free and they tape it in the early afternoon.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who said that he's trying to get a job as a bartender at the same restaurant that Mariann from Brooklyn is going to be a hostess at. He said he's going to be trained on how to do that stuff but Howard said he wouldn't want a guy with feces laden hands making his drinks. He figured they'll be following his story on Howard 100 News.
Howard read some more mail and one guy went off on Robin for being ''stupid'' because of some comment she made during the news. A bunch of people wrote in about Miss Howard Stern and how they want her off the show. There was some feedback about Evil Dave Letterman. That led to Howard playing some of Evil Dave's phony PSAs that Benjy and Richard had him cutting when he was in last week.
A bunch of people were upset about the way Howard treated that guy Greg who made the ''Cum Paste'' bit that was played yesterday. He read some of the feedback and people felt bad for the guy. They thought Howard was out of line pulling a prank on the guy like that. Howard apologized and said that he thought it was funny at the time.
Someone wrote in and told Artie that he wasn't the first choice to play the part on Entourage that he just shot last week. Adam Carolla was apparently the first choice for the part but he was too busy with his crap show to do it. The guy who plays Turtle on the show apparently broke the news to Carolla on his radio show but Adam changed subjects when Artie's name came up. Howard had to take another break after that.
Richard said he gets off on certain poses he sees women in. He said that he really gets off on women he sees in Playboy who go off and do really dirty stuff after doing Playboy. He said he likes to see women who have neat and tidy looking vaginas.
Howard said that's the kind of stuff they were talking about learning when they sit around and talk. Gary told a story about getting smacked by a Nun when he was in Catholic school. He said he was telling the story to Richard about how he had gotten stuck in the ass with a pin and this Nun just started slapping the shit out of him on the side of the head. Artie said he got whacked in the back of the head by a Nun when he was in CCD at one point. That led to the guys talking about how Nuns must be really angry women who are all pent up and that's how they let their anger out.
Richard told a story about getting his ass beaten in class one time. He said he had to go up in front of the class and pull down his pants so the teacher could hit him. He said she used a belt on him that day and he remembers the red marks on his ass. Gary said Richard is younger than they are so you'd think that stuff like that would have been banned at that point.
Artie said he knew a guy who had a Nun pull back his hair and smack him on the head like Benny Hill used to do to the bald guy on his show. Gary said he knew a guy who punched a nun in the stomach when she hit him. Richie Wilson came in and said that a Nun punched him in the nuts about 6 times one time after he got caught doing something he wasn't supposed to. Gary said he had a teacher who took him into an art closet and beat him up. He kneed him in the balls and smacked him and told him never to interrupt his class again.
Richie Wilson told another story where he was forced to give an apology in front of the whole school at an assembly when he was like 5 years old. He said it was like horrible mental abuse at that age.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy asked Howard if he's going to help Artie out when his movie comes out. Howard said he'll do what he can to help and he may have some of his co-stars come in. He said he's always had a fantasy of beating up Ralph Macchio who is in the movie. He said he was the Karate Kid and he's just wanted to beat the crap out of him. Howard told Gary to book him for the show.
Howard had Robin start her news after that. A little later he brought up Doug Goodstein who asked him to have a meeting with him. He goofed on Doug about this stare he gives him when he talks to him because he looks like he's got x-ray vision since he got his lasik eye surgery. Doug came in a short time later and told Howard that he really wants to have this meeting and the reason his eyes look the way they do is because he has allergies and they water a lot. Howard said he really doesn't want to have these meetings that everyone asks for. Doug said he wants to get some things off his chest and that's the reason for this meeting.
Gary came in around 11:15am and said he had some breaking news and said that Lance Bass came out of the closet and admitted he was gay in People magazine. Howard told him that Perez Hilton told them about that earlier. Gary yelled out Jason's name since he must have given him the information. Howard told him he really didn't care since they already knew.
Howard said he really doesn't want to have this meeting with Doug so Doug came back in and told him he wanted to cancel it. Howard said that was fine. Doug said he's got a lot of stuff going on right now, his wife is pregnant, he's moving and this other issue which he didn't want to elaborate on. Howard told him there's still time to abort that other problem he's got. Doug said that wasn't cool and wanted him to take that back. Robin told Doug that maybe he should step down from his position if he can't handle it. Howard continued to goof on Doug but also goofed on himself saying that he was a mistake and his mother tried to lose the pregnancy but she failed. He said he was losing his mind from all of these meetings that people wanted to have with him.
Howard later said that Gary should be the one who talks to people about having meetings with him. Doug should have gone through him. He also said that he can't solve all of these problems himself, he just looks into them. Artie was doing his Godfather impressions again as if Howard was the Godfather and all of these guys were trying to get in to meet him. Howard then did his own impression of Luca Brasi's scene with Don Corleone where he was reading off a sheet of paper. Howard did it as if he were Doug asking him for the meeting.
Howard said that Gary sent out a memo saying that all meetings with Howard are to go directly through him effective immediately. Howard said he wants to make that retroactive so Tim Sabean will have to go through him as well. Even Robin would have to go through Gary if she wanted a meeting. Howard said Robin is smart enough not to ask for meetings. Howard wrapped up the show around 11:40am.
Howard started off the show saying that Bubba the Love Sponge has a good opening theme song for his show. He said it's Jimi Hendrix's ''Voodoo Child.'' Fred played the song and Howard read that it was Hulk Hogan's theme song when he was wrestling so that's why Bubba took it. Howard also heard that Bubba was being critical of the story lines that Vince McMahon is doing with the wrestlers these days. He wondered how old Bubba is and why he's worried about stuff like that. Howard thinks that Bubba gets a hard-on when he thinks about Hulk getting back into wrestling.
Howard told Artie that Bubba will be in town for the premiere of ''Beer League'' in September. He'll be moving his show up north for that week. Howard thought about taking the Jimi Hendrix song for his own opening theme song and told Bubba that it was no longer his. He said he was going to pull rank there and just take the song from him.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard about another song that Bubba uses called ''Full Trucker Effect.'' The guy said that it's actually Bubba's own song. Howard wondered why the song would be played on the show because it's really bad.
Howard read that the song that they were talking about was actually a song by a guy by the name of Johnny Socko but Fred wasn't able to find it in their library. Howard played the rap song that Bubba made that they took and put Crazy Alice's ''Chicken bone neck, cock sucking Jew'' audio clips to. He started to go through the lyrics and tried to figure out what Bubba was singing about. The guys got a few laughs out of the song because it was so awful.
A caller told Howard about the ''Full Trucker Effect'' song and it may be by the Chemical Brothers. Fred still wasn't able to find the song in his library though so they still couldn't play it. Howard played the Crazy Alice version of Bubba's rap song after that.
Howard said his favorite Crazy Alice prank call using her audio clips is the weird guy who talks about her loving sweetening. He had a song parody that used clips from that call so he played that. Then he played the actual phone call.
A caller told Howard that Bubba playing the song Voodoo Child is actually like a fuck-you to Howard and the guys for goofing on him about liking Hulk Hogan. Howard said he had no idea that was the case but he can't imagine that Bubba hates him.
Howard said they have this guy Reverend Don Vincent calling in today. Howard has played his audio clips on the show over the past few months where the guy goes off on his listeners by cursing them out. Nicole Bass is coming in later on as well. Gary came in and told Howard that she's having trouble with her finances and her health so she'll be talking about that. She actually called him crying yesterday. He said she's putting the word out that she's available for hire. Robin wondered what kind of work she can do. She was apparently looking for a job there with Howard but they don't know what she could do for them.
Gary said she's just about broke and she's no longer promoting the company she was promoting just a couple of months ago. Robin wondered if her husband works at all. Gary said he manages her and he's on disability right now.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he wasn't impressed with Chuck Zito's story about the cop that he told yesterday. Howard said he got a lot of feedback about that and a lot of people didn't like what he had to say. He read some of the mail from those people who thought he was being a prick about the whole thing. There were some people who thought he was very interesting and loved that story. Some people said that Chuck should have to follow the laws just like anyone else would.
One guy wrote in about Chuck getting involved with the Ultimate Fighting Championship and how he probably won't do as well as he thinks he would. Gary came in and said that they took a call from a cop on The Wrap Up Show yesterday and the guy said that they know within about 4 seconds if they're going to give out a ticket or not. Chuck's attitude got him the ticket according to that cop.
Howard said that Joey Boots caused some controversy yesterday when he called in. He read some e-mail about his call. Howard read another e-mail from a guy who said that the Borgata is saying that Artie is going to be opening up for Ralphie May. Artie said that Ralphie is actually opening up for him and the Borgata was having trouble selling tickets so they put him on the show with him. Ralphie was booked there long before then and they had to put Artie on with him to sell some tickets and apparently left Ralphie up there. Artie said if you go to the show, it will be him closing, not Ralphie.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who told him that when he sees Howard picking his teeth on Howard TV, he gets grossed out. Howard said it's something he has to do during the show so he can't guarantee that he'll stop doing it.
Howard read some feedback about the Joe Lieberman conversation they had the other day. Howard isn't thrilled with Leiberman because the guy has spoken out against him before.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the way the government is trying to protect children by trying to clean up radio and TV but they don't seem to realize that the ''bad language'' is everywhere and not just on TV and radio.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who asked if Artie's Beer League t-shirt is a one off shirt. Artie said he's actually been giving them out to people for free at gigs but he will eventually have them up on his web site.
Howard talked about Riley Martin's demands for $5 million to continue doing his radio show. An e-mailer told Howard that Riley is a highlight on Howard 101 and it would be nice if he stays. Another person said they should call Riley ''Riley Martling'' since he's going to leave the show like Jackie Martling did.
Howard said that Gay Ramone just became a grandfather so he read his e-mail quickly. There was another guy who wrote in and asked for the Howard 101 replay of the show to play in rotation like it does on Howard 100. He whipped through a bunch of other e-mails. He said he got a lot of feedback about the guy he goofed on about the bit he sent in that was so bad. Howard doesn't think they burst his bubble because he probably still thinks his bits were funny.
Robin asked Howard if they should call him back and apologize for the call they made to him. Howard said he is a subscriber but he may have canceled his subscription by now. Robin said she could understand where the fans were coming from when they said they went a little far by goofing on the guy. Howard said they do critique stuff like that on the show so if you send it in, you have to expect stuff like that. He had Gary call the guy so they could ask him if he's canceled his subscription yet.
Ronnie came in and said they have a lot of nerve asking for that because they wouldn't even allow Howard on the property when they shot the 60 Minutes special. Howard said he doesn't feel that was a snub though because they do have rules at the school. He felt they were right about that, it's the stuff that happened to him as a child that's going to keep him from donating.
Howard went off on a shop teacher he had back at Roosevelt High School because the guy used to get pissed off at him while other students were choking him. He called him a ''fucking piece of shit'' for not doing something about that. Howard said he doesn't want to be a bitter, angry man but he hates bullshit.
Howard said that Matt wants to come on the show to promote the show now. He was also saying that's the reason he doesn't like outing people like that if there is no proof that they are gay. Howard said he thinks that it can hinder people getting jobs when they're branded gay like that. Howard said Perez had no proof at all that this kid was gay.
Howard said a lot of people wrote in and said that they think he had Perez on the show because he's afraid of having him write something about him. He's not afraid of him and he's pretty gossip proof because he doesn't do all that much crazy stuff.
A phone caller asked Howard if he's got any new programs coming up on Howard 101. Howard said they do have that Sam Simon sitcom coming up in the middle of August. He said it's taking some time to put all of that together because they're going to have special celebrity guests on the show. He said they're also working on putting together specials around the 23,000 hours of tape they got from K-Rock. They've hired a new guy to take care of those tapes. He'll be hiring some people to help out with all of that stuff. He said they hope to have the Top 100 or 200 bits ready for the Labor Day weekend.
Howard said he wants to do a sitcom based on Mark Harris as well that would be called Gay Father Knows Best and they're always working on other stuff as well.
Bong Hit Bill called in and told Howard that he couldn't find the Miss Howard Stern bit up on Howard TV. Doug Goodstein came in and told Howard that the segment is up on Howard TV but it might be a problem with the cable operator. Doug said he'd check into it for him. Bill actually requested a copy of Riley Martin's book The Coming of Tan because he didn't want to pay for a copy himself. He said he'd feel stupid actually paying money for it.
Another caller told Howard he shouldn't stop goofing on people like he did with that ''Cum Paste'' guy. Ralph called in right after that and said he agrees and Howard shouldn't stop goofing on people who send in crap like that.
Howard played some of the clips that JD had pulled from the Miss Universe pageant. Carson was acting so over the top according to Howard. He said people are so politically incorrect that they won't make fun of the guy acting like he was. You have to pretend that there's nothing odd about that. Ralph said that's Trump's show and he's wondering what the guy is thinking with that. Howard said that guy belongs on a fruity show like Queer Eye, not on a Miss Universe pageant.
Carson had a female co-host and the two of them were throwing lines back and forth trying to be entertaining but it was just very odd. Howard read that the ratings were good on that show but Ralph found that hard to believe. Howard said that Carson wasn't funny and he seems to get a pass for that because he's gay.
Howard said he found something in his teeth so he spit it out and it ended up on his foot. He got back to the Miss Universe tapes and goofed on that stuff for a little more time. Ralph had seen the show and told Howard what was going on during certain clips. Howard said that guys who are unfunny like Carson shouldn't be given jobs on TV. Artie said they might as well let him do Monday Night Football while they're at it.
Artie said that pointing out that this guy isn't funny probably makes them homophobic. Gary said that when Carson doesn't know what to say he just goes ''Wooo!'' Ralph said the guy is really creepy looking too. The jokes they were telling were really unfunny so Howard and the guys were goofing on them about that. Howard said there's just no way that this guy is a talent.
Will told Howard that they had the preacher Don Vincent ready to go but Howard said he was in the middle of something and he had to take a break as well. They put that off a little while so Howard could finish the Miss Universe thing. Artie said that Carson is about as funny as Ant the comedian would be. He said they really have to hire a funny gay guy to do something like this. He said someone like Mario Cantone might be able to handle it.
Artie told a story about doing a voice over thing with Dick Vitale one time and the guy looked like he was all depressed before the session but as soon as they started, the guy was in his face yelling. He said that's kind of what Carson is like because he gets really over the top when he's on camera.
Howard and the guys were saying that someone like Pat O'Brien would be a great host for that show. Double A called in and said that the best thing to do would be turn the sound off on that show, check out the hotties and jerk off to the show instead of listening to that Carson guy talking. Howard wrapped up with Ralph and went to break.
Lisa said they'll also have a report about Henry Hill who may be homeless and living on the streets of Los Angeles. Gary said that they've heard from Henry's manager who said that he really is on the streets. Lisa said they'll have details on the America's Next Wack Packer contest and a report about who on the show makes charitable contributions. Richard Christy made a great phony phone call to a guy who was very angry so the news department is going to speak to that guy's whole family.
Howard played the prank call that Lisa was talking about. Richard took clips of Ronnie the Limo Driver and called the guy who got very pissed off when Ronnie called him an asshole. Lisa said they'll be talking to that guy's family. Richard came in and said that he called the mother and she was very angry as well. He didn't include that in the bit because he thought it would make it too long. He ran back to his office to put the mother's part up so Howard could play that. Howard wrapped up with Lisa after that.
Howard asked Don if he's putting on an act when he does that whole thing. Don said that is him, he's not putting on an act. Howard asked him how old he is. Don said that he is God so he is as old as God. Howard asked him where he grew up and the guy said it was in the kingdom of heaven. Of course... Howard asked the guy if he spent any time in a mental institution. Don said he did spend a couple of weeks in one.
Howard asked Don if he has any special powers since he claims to be God. He said the truth is his power. Howard asked him how he supports himself. Don said that God supports him. Gary told Howard he sells knick knacks on his web site , that's how he makes money.
Howard told Don that they made up some song parodies using his voice and played one of them for him. Don asked if they're making money off of that. They're not selling it so they're not making any money. Howard played him another song parody after Don asked him to send him 10 percent of every dollar he's made to help him out.
Howard gave Don a plug for his web site ByWhoPower.com and wrapped up with him. He said he had to move on after that. He said the guy was better during the pre-interview. Robin said it did seem to be going nowhere.
A phone caller told Howard that guy should have a radio show right before Riley Martin's. Artie said they should team the two of them up. Howard said they might have to give him a shot even though he wasn't all that good during the phone call.
Howard mentioned that Richard was showing him some Philipino porn and he had some audio clips from that to play. The woman spoke a little bit of English but also made some other strange sounds. Howard also played a clip of Hillary Scott screaming out as she was getting banged hard. Howard said she sounded kind of like this one woman on COPS who was screaming as she was getting arrested.
Howard asked the guys if they remembered the clip of Carl Lewis trying to perform the National Anthem. Artie remembered it so Howard played the clip. Robin was missing so Howard figured she must have had to go take a shit. He said she tried to sneak out of there and just left her booth. Artie said he just shits his pants if they're in the middle of the show and he has to go.
Robin showed up a short time later so Howard asked her what was going on. She was laughing her ass off when she came in. She said she had a little bit of an upset stomach and had to run out. Howard asked her what she ate last night. She said she had a salad so Howard said that'll do it sometimes. He got back to the Carl Lewis thing after that.
Howard said Carl was on some TV show and offered to auction himself off to sing the National Anthem again. Carl claims that he was sick that day and that's why he sounded so bad. He said no one will forget that day. Carl said he's going to put that money into his own charity, the Carl Lewis Foundation. Howard said they should get him in there to sing it for them live in the studio.
Fred did his Herman Munster impression and stomped his foot as he said ''It's not fair, it's not fair...'' as he was goofing on Nicole.
Howard asked Nicole if she ever asks why God made her so large and masculine. Nicole said she's really not that large, she's very feminine with her big boobs. She said she could be a body guard or something like that for the guys. Howard told her to go beat up Ronnie and she could be his body guard.
Nicole used to have a job doing phone sex with guys who would call her and Howard said that was one of his favorite jobs she had. He played the call that they had a guy make to Nicole to have phone sex with her. She didn't know who he was when he called but it eventually occurred to her that he was calling to have phone sex.
Howard found out that Nicole was doing so bad that she could end up on the streets. She said she's filed for bankruptcy. She was saying that she can do anything there for Howard. She said she can type and be a secretary if he wants. Howard told her that maybe she'd want to try construction or something. She's not interested in that.
Howard took a call from a cop who used to work in the area that Nicole lived in and they got a call for an emotionally disturbed person and they ended up at Nicole's apartment. The guy said they took her to a hospital that night because she was throwing stuff around her apartment and smashing stuff. Nicole denied the story but the guy kept going with it. He said they shot her with a tazer and she just growled. The guy said they had to shoot her a second time to take her down but Nicole said that this story is just not true.
The cop said they found a bunch of exotic pets in a back room in the apartment so that was his proof that he had been there. Nicole said that she did have a pet snake but that was about it. The cop said that the husband was so scared that he wouldn't come close to her at the time. Nicole was still denying it so Howard let the cop go and said there seems to be a bit of a disagreement about who was telling the truth there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had a construction job for Nicole. Nicole said she's not interested in that. Another caller said she would have a pull-up contest against Nicole but no one had any money for that event so Howard dropped it. Another caller said they could auction Nicole off or something. Howard said it would be nice if they could get her a job there at SIRIUS but they don't have anything.
Nicole said she's tried to become a personal trainer but no one wants to do that with her. She said she's very good at training people and could do that if anyone would take her seriously. Howard got back to the audio tape of her having phone sex with a guy who called her. Nicole started to cry during that call so Howard asked her what was going on there. Nicole said she really doesn't know what to do. She said she's okay. Then she was saying she went through her savings and Artie interrupted with his trademark ''WAHHH!'' which the guys thought was a little rough.
Nicole said she filed for bankruptcy recently and that should take effect soon. She doesn't know where she's going to live. Benjy asked her how much money she needs every month. Nicole ended up talking about all of the credit card bills she had and how she had $30,000 in bills on that. She told Benjy she'd need a job making at least $50,000 a year to survive. Benjy said that's not impossible to find in New York City if she went to an employment agency. Nicole said she's not a great typist though.
Howard told Nicole she could work for a moving company being as big as she is. Nicole is afraid she'll get sick again if she does something like that. Sal came in and offered her $5 to see her cock. Nicole just laughed. Richard asked her to arm wrestle him for $20. Howard told him to just hand over the money because she will beat him.
The guys were suggesting all kinds of jobs for Nicole but she wants to work there. Howard told her that they don't have anything for her and if she wants to be security, she should go to a security agency. Richard suggested that she get a job as a garbage man in the city. Sal told her she could throw herself in the truck when she's done collecting.
Howard asked Nicole where her parents are. She said her mother died when she was young and she's not sure where her father is. She claims that he stole her social security number when she was young and she doesn't keep in touch. She has a sister but she's had trouble herself. She said the last she heard she was prostituting herself on a corner somewhere.
Hook Nose Mike called in and said that Nicole should just go out and get a job like every other American does. He said he's up at 3:30 in the morning driving a dump truck every day. Howard said that everyone wants to work for them there at SIRIUS but he can't just hire anyone. He said he'll pass along jobs to Nicole if he hears about anything.
Sal was still offering up the $5 to see her cock. Howard took a call from Wayne Siegel from Legend Porsche Audi who had a job to offer. He told Nicole they could make her a parts truck driver. She said she would have to learn how to get around because she's not good with directions. Howard told her to blow Wayne a few times and maybe he'll move her up to the sales department. Wayne told Howard not to get crazy. Howard said he'd give Nicole Wayne's number so she could call him later.
Nicole said she's really good with kids so maybe she could do something there. Robin told Fred that maybe he'd want to hire her to take care of his daughter. Howard said it'll be funny if the guys she delivers parts to actually run away when she shows up. He told her he feels like she's on her path and they'll send her any other job offers that they get. He gave her a plug for the web site HerBicepsCam.com where you can watch her and chat with her for a few bucks a minute.
Gary told Nicole that they might be interested in paying to see Nicole's vagina. Robin is the only one who has seen that area and she was shocked by what she saw down there. Howard said he never understood why Robin came out so wobbly that day. Gary asked Nicole if they could come up with money, would she do it. She said she won't do that for any amount of money. Howard asked Robin if there was a vagina down there or not. Robin said she doesn't remember that far back.
Howard told Nicole she should become a bouncer in a lesbian bar in the city or something. She would do that if she could get the job. Howard wrapped up with her after that and said he's not happy to see her unhappy. He said she's already got one job offer and maybe they'll get more. Artie went into his Godfather routine and did some lines from the movie and threw Nicole in there.
Nicole was still very upset and said that she filed for disability a couple of years ago but that's still pending. Gary asked her about welfare. She said she'll do that if she really has to. He also suggested the Army Reserves. Howard told her she could become a dog walker or something like that. Robin told her to call Laura Lackner to try and get a job with her since she has a whole office she runs.
Gary told the guys that Derek Panza called and said he's going to try and get Nicole a job as a personal trainer. People are trying to help. Howard let her go after that and went to break.
Howard played an audio clip of Bob saying ''Meet the Strink'' when he was talking to the Howard TV guys out in the green room. He was trying to say ''shrink'' but it comes out at ''strink.'' He had some other clips where Bob was trying to do a promo for Howard TV where he said ''Hi, this is Reverend Bob Levy and you're watching a special sneak preview for Howard TV.'' He couldn't get past the first few words without screwing it up. He eventually got through it after about 20 tries.
Bob told Howard that he never graduated high school so he figures he had some trouble back then. Bob said he was that kid in school who was old enough to be driving and had his own car. He said he hated school and didn't do well. He's done fine as a comedian though.
Artie said that Bob is great at making deals for the comedy shows. Howard heard that Bob was upset with Artie for not calling him back. Sal came in and said that Bob was talking to him about Artie and he was upset that he wasn't booking him for gigs and stuff. Bob said that wasn't just last week, it was a while ago. Artie and Bob both said they're fine but Sal thought they were full of shit. He thinks that Bob doesn't think Artie likes him like he used to like him.
Bob said that Sal is out of his mind, there's nothing wrong. Artie said he has no problem with Bob and he wasn't avoiding his calls or anything like that. Sal said that Bob told him that he was still thinking that Artie didn't like him and there's something going on. Robin asked Artie if Bob is on his Beer League promotional tour. Artie said he's just doing 4 or 5 shows around that. Artie said he was going to be doing some shows on September 8th and 9th out in Cleveland and Bob was going to be involved in that. Bob said he's doing shows out in Seattle that weekend so he can't do them. Howard wanted to move on after that so he sent Sal back to his office.
Howard heard that Nicole Bass was still crying out there so he had her come in so he could give her a trip to a concert because they have some money in that prize. The prize was courtesy of Heineken. Bob said she could move in with him in the basement of his house because it would be nice to have another man around the house.
Bob said that's one big woman and asked Howard if he could imagine fucking that. Bob said he would fuck her if he got paid to do it. He said he'd do it for $10,000. He wanted to raise it up to $15,000 but Howard wanted him to stick to the ten grand. Bob said he'd have to check with his ex-wife first.
Howard asked Mark about how he almost died recently. Mark said he was diagnosed with advanced cardiac disease back in January. He was on medication and it wasn't helping so he ended up going into the hospital to get some plaque removed from his heart and he came very close to dying. He said he was dreaming about his parents and he felt like he was going to die. The doctors apparently told him to stay with them as they were operating on him. He was kept in a twilight sleep during the operation and he started to drift off so the doctors had to keep him from drifting off. He said he ended up in intensive care and the doctors told him he almost died.
Howard asked Mark if he saw anything that showed there would be an afterlife. Mark said he just felt like he was in a deep sleep and it was great. That was it. Mark told Howard and Robin that he spoke to Vinnie Favale yesterday and he was asked to write some new songs for them. He's not pitching anymore shows for Howard though. He said he's pitched enough for him already.
Howard thought that things were going horribly for all of their guests. Mark said things aren't horrible but he did lose his boyfriend Boris who has a brain tumor. That guy is only 39 years old. Bob said he was feeling better about his life after hearing this stuff. Mark said he was on Mancow's show the other day and he had just gotten thrown off the air in Chicago. Howard told him that guy is weird because he obviously found him through his show. Mark said he's not sure what happened to Mancow's show but he thinks he's only on in four markets now.
Robin wondered why they had Mark on their show because he seems to be like Typhoid Mary with all of the problems people have when they're around him.
Mark told Howard about how Mancow was pulled off the station he was on the same day he was on the show. He said he thinks that was the 10th of July. He went in to do the show on Wednesday and the studio was closed. Mancow wouldn't take his call after that for quite a while. Mancow eventually called him to come in and do the show from the ABC studios in Chicago where he was doing his show from. He can't do the show for Chicago until sometime in August. Mark said Mancow just didn't see it coming.
Howard gave Mark a plug for his web site AKAMarkHarris.com and talked about his strange look today. He said he used to be a beautiful man but he's finally hit the wall. Mark said he will be beautiful again some day. Howard said that Mark has taken a lot of heat over the years about marrying Martha Raye years ago. He explained all of that to the fans who might now know. He said that Mark somehow married her when she was senile and managed to get all of her money.
Mark said that he and Martha had a great marriage and they had intercourse more than the two times Howard thinks they had. He said she did not sleep in a hospital bed all the time like Robin was saying. She used to sleep in a water bed. Howard told Mark he doesn't believe he ever had sex with that old lady. He said that Mark is gay and that just couldn't have happened.
Mark swore on his children that he did have sex with Martha and she was very horny at the age of 75. Mark and Howard spent a short time talking about that but they got sidetracked and ended up talking about the War in Iraq. They argued a little bit about that but Howard said he didn't want to argue politics with Mark because it was pointless.
Howard asked Mark if he's ever tossed Martha's salad. Mark didn't know what he was talking about so Bob told him that's eating her ass. He thought Howard was kidding but he was serious. Howard asked Artie if he thinks Mark was in love with Martha Stewart at all. Artie said he thinks Mark liked her but he doesn't believe he ever had sex with her.
Howard said he's working with a guy who is writing a 1/2 hour show for Mark for Howard 101 which would be ''My Gay Dad Knows Best.'' Howard said the guy who is writing it is one of the writers from ''Son of the Beach.'' The show is just an idea right now but Howard said he is in discussions to write something like that.
Robin asked Mark if he's going after Aaron Spelling's widow now that she's single. Mark said he's interested in Patti Davis Reagan. Howard asked Mark if Martha was really ''odorous'' when he went down on her. Mark said there were no smells like he was describing. Howard said he will never be with a 75 year old himself. He doesn't even want to be with himself at that age. Bob Levy asked Mark if Martha smelled like the '40's when he went down on her.
Howard had an old prank call that Evil Dave made to Mark Harris so he played that for everyone. In the call Evil Dave calls Mark as David Letterman and jerked Mark around for a few minutes. Howard wrapped up with Mark after that and went to break.
Gary wanted to make a prediction and said that he thinks Mark will be back on his projects within 6 months. He's in recovery right now so he needs a little time. Howard said Mark doesn't even have Mancow these days.
Howard gave Bob Levy a few plugs and then played a news report about XM cutting their estimates for this year because they're having trouble attracting customers. Howard said that company is taking quite a tumble and it was pretty quick.
Robin said that if Howard had moved to XM, it would have meant the end to SIRIUS. Bob said that the only person working for SIRIUS might have been Riley Martin if Howard had gone the other way.
Penny gave her Howard 100 News preview and said that they'll be talking about Cabbie today. They'll also be talking about Artie's t-shirts and the promotion of his movie ''Beer League.'' She gave the same rundown that Lisa G gave earlier in the morning.
Jon Hein was in and gave a quick rundown of what they'd have coming up on the Wrap Up Show if they have any time today. He said they'll be talking about all of the people who have been asking for jobs. They'll also be talking about Bob Levy offering to screw Nicole Bass live on the air for ten grand. Howard wrapped up with those two and wanted to move on to Cabbie.
Cabbie came in and Howard said that he was going to make him cry. He asked him to come over and give him a hug. Cabbie said that Howard was the only motherfucker who wrote him in jail. Cabbie threw in a ''fuck'' just for the hell of it since he hadn't been on satellite before. He showed the guys the scuffs on his knees from playing prison softball. He noticed that Artie had put on about 50 pounds and pointed that out.
Cabbie said he went into jail and lost 80 pounds. He went from 320 down to 240. He went on a diet and worked out in there. They didn't have any weights in the prison because they don't want the prisoners getting bigger than the guards. He had a lot of stories to tell but he's got enough to tell for years.
Howard was talking about the letters he got from Cabbie and that led to Cabbie talking about how his life was saved by God while he was in prison. He said he was drugged up, allegedly, while he was in prison. He said he feels that something was slipped to him but he doesn't have any proof so he's going to be consulting some attorneys about what went on there. He said he did not have a mental breakdown, he believes that someone put something in the food and made it look like he was losing it.
Cabbie said that he remembers someone telling him ''Fuck you, fuck Howard Stern, enjoy your meal motherfucker...'' and he felt like he was on some kind of drug for the next 50 days. He was saying that he was doing some crazy stuff while he was messed up and he thinks that there was some kind of narcotic in his food.
Howard asked Cabbie what it was like when he finally got out of prison this morning. Cabbie said one year isn't that much compared to some of the other prisoners he was with. Most of the guys weren't resentful of his one year but there were a few who seemed to be pissed that he only had to serve one year.
Cabbie said that he believes that they set him up in prison and said that he tried to hang himself on a table. Howard asked him to back up because he had to find out more details. Cabbie said he got into trouble right away when he got into prison because he called Howard from a cell phone on his first day. He wouldn't squeal on the guy who gave him the phone.
Howard noticed that Cabbie was using the term ''Yo'' a lot so he asked him if he's doing that because he was around the black guys so long. Cabbie said he was surrounded by all types of people in there and actually played Bocci the other day with John Gambino. Cabbie said John was just running a construction company and now he's being extradited to Italy for some other charges.
Howard talked to Cabbie about how he was going to change his name from Cabbie to Mason. Cabbie said he was going to do that because he felt that the prison had killed off Lee Mroszak and Crazy Cabbie. He said he was going to change it to Mason because the people who were doing stuff to him were Free Masons.
Cabbie said he almost got into a fight on the first day he was in prison because he brushed against some guy who said he didn't say ''excuse me.'' Cabbie didn't back down and held his ground but nothing happened. He said he almost had a fight just a few days before he was getting out. He said it was a Hispanic guy and he learned that those guys don't fight alone, they always bring their friends.
Cabbie said that when he was in the Fort Devins prison, he found out that the place is like a pedophile farm where they harbor about 5-600 pedophiles. He said he renamed it Pedophile Island. Howard asked Cabbie what he's doing today. Cabbie said he's going to have lunch with Tom Chiusano over at the old radio station to see if he can get a job. He needs to find a job now and he's wondering if Howard has anything for him there. Howard said they might be able to find him something there.
Cabbie was having some fun with the F-word today as he was yelling at Artie and Benjy in a joking way. Howard asked Cabbie if he's going to pay his taxes now. Cabbie said that it's not the paying the taxes, it's filing taxes that he should have done. He said that people really should file their taxes to avoid something like this.
Cabbie told Howard that he's been able to jerk off quite a bit in prison because he was getting the Village Voice and there are some hot pictures in the back of that thing.
Dominic Barbara called in and Cabbie sarcastically thanked him for coming to visit him in prison. Dominic was telling Cabbie that he didn't want to make things worse for him so he didn't visit. He would like to meet with him and talk about the stories he had. He said that he was really upset that people didn't come to visit but Howard told him that three people did come to visit. Robin, Artie and Gary went out there one day and the prison turned them away. Cabbie heard that they did that on purpose just to screw people.
Dominic told Cabbie to be very careful about what he says today because he can still get into a lot of trouble if he does. He can't say anything about wanting to kill anyone or anything like that or he can go right back to prison. Cabbie said that the people up at Devins actually treated him very well. The Warden actually treated him with respect and helped him out as did the C.O.'s. Cabbie asked Dominic if he could stay on his boat.
Dominic said he would do anything for him but he really didn't want to screw things up for him in prison. Howard said Dominic told him that Cabbie just had to serve his time and get through that stuff. That's what he's done and now he's out on time.
Cabbie said that there were guys in prison who have been incarcerated for pleading insanity and they end up staying in there forever. He put the word out that he wanted to thank all of the fans who wrote to him while he was in prison. He couldn't write everyone back because he didn't have the stamps to do that.
Robin brought up Cabbie's biological mother who they introduced to Cabbie. He said that was funny that she brought her up because he just called her the other day which was a day after her birthday. That led to him saying that he doesn't believe that she's his biological mother because she always gets his birthday wrong. He thinks that the guys on the show may have pulled a prank on him and that's not his real mother.
Howard took a call from someone who pointed out the Cabbie ''Yo'' thing. She said that she just wanted to say hey to him. Cabbie was asking if he could eat her pussy out. Howard asked him what he's doing tonight to celebrate. He asked if he's going to visit Scores or something. Cabbie said he's not a big stripper guy.
Cabbie asked Artie if he's still with Dana or not. Bob Levy told him not to bring that up. Artie remained silent. Howard took a call from Sour Shoes the one man band and let him sing part of a song about him before cutting him off. Howard took a few other calls and let some fans talk to Cabbie.
Cabbie was trying to wake Artie up because he was kind of zoning out. Artie said it was enough with Cabbie's prison stories. A short time later Cabbie was saying that he thinks they implanted a computer chip in his head while he was in prison. He showed the guys a spot on his head where he thinks they put it.
Howard took some more phone calls from some fans who were happy that he was out of prison. Jessica Hahn called in and said she wrote a love letter to Cabbie. He said he got that letter and her big titted 1984 Playboy layout. He said he got the picture and he was so messed up at the time that he started cramming shit in his toilet to flood it so he could get out of his cell. He took the picture and took a shit on it because he was out of his skull at the time. He thanked her for the letter though. Robin said that's why she didn't want to write him.
Howard said he didn't want his letters hanging around his cell either. Cabbie said he actually ate his radio and a watch because he was afraid that there were listening devices in there. Fred asked Cabbie if he's ever had a head injury because he seems to be drifting as this interview goes on. He said he was pretty focused when he came in but now he's going off a bit. Cabbie said it's just an exciting day for him because he hasn't seen real people in a long time.
Howard said that prisoners were telling him that when Howard took his show off of E!, they were getting fucked. Howard said he didn't have anything to do with that. E! took him off the air. He had to start wrapping things up after that. Cabbie didn't want to go though. Howard asked him if prison was a blessing in disguise because he's shaped up, he's read a bunch of books and stuff like that. Cabbie said he read some Hemmingway books and they were great.
Howard told Cabbie not to make any major decisions or get into any arguments today. He told him to make it a peaceful time today. He should relax and take it easy. Cabbie said that some evil stuff happened because he called the show when he was in prison. He said that the reason he called the show was because he loved Howard. He wanted to go into prison and just lay low but that didn't happen. He said his C.O. in prison was a huge fan of the show and paraded him around as Crazy Cabbie and asked him a bunch of questions about the people on the show. He said he could put that guy's name out there but he's not going to do that. He asked the guy to identify him as Inmate Mroszak but the guy would always call him Crazy Cabbie.
Robin said that Artie must be afraid because he hasn't given Cabbie any of his ''Wahhh's'' today. Fred and Robin did a couple instead.
Dominic Barbara called back and told Cabbie he really has to follow what his parole officer says and stay out of trouble for the next year. Cabbie said he didn't want to talk to Dominic because it's like he's setting him up to fail. Howard let him go to keep Cabbie happy.
Cabbie said he has to get a job and a place to live. Howard told him to lay low and not talk to anybody. He said he has to keep quiet. Robin told Cabbie to just listen to what people tell him. Howard took a call from Tom Chiusano which was a computer voice that the guys in the back were playing. They had him asking Cabbie if he would be his new love buddy and things like that.
Artie warned Cabbie not to associate with anyone who could get him into trouble. He put himself into that group so he can keep Cabbie from bothering him. Howard told Cabbie he's glad he's out of prison because he couldn't get over the fact that he was in jail around Christmas time. He told Cabbie he feels there are good things in store for him. Cabbie asked if that was true and Howard said ''Not really...'' and went to break a short time later.
Bob Levy said he thinks Cabbie and Riley could do a great show together talking about the computer chips being implanted and stuff like that. Howard said it was quite a day today. Mike Walker was supposed to be on but when he heard that Cabbie was going to be on, he knew that he should just go back to bed.
Howard said he gave Cabbie a hug goodbye and got all emotional. He said that he knows Cabbie screwed up but he went to prison for a whole year of his life. Artie said he did just four days in the L.A. County Jail and he felt like his whole life was renewed after that.
Howard said he worked at DC101 and WNBC for years and that was like prison for him. Robin had a few bad experiences herself. Howard said that the worst place was WNBC out of all of them. He said he felt personally responsible for Robin and Fred having a miserable time because he got them hired there.
Bob brought up the story that Cabbie told about shitting on Jessica Hahn's picture. Howard said that interview was fascinating. He expected Cabbie to thank her for the picture but he ends up talking about shitting on the picture instead. Bob said that could have been the (computer) chip talking.
Howard noticed that Artie was writing in his notebook so he asked him what he was doing. Artie said he just doodles in there and sometimes he writes things over and over again.
Howard said he heard that Cabbie may be doing a show at K-Rock (now FreeFM) and maybe doing double duty at XM satellite. He's not sure about any of that but Robin said she heard from Tom Chiusano that he thinks it could be the most entertaining 2 weeks of radio ever if they hire him there at FreeFM.
Artie was trying to figure out what Cabbie's story was about getting drugged. He wasn't sure what that was all about. Howard tried to explain what he thought he knew but Robin didn't think he was right. They all spent some time talking about that story and tried to figure out why and when he was drugged. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Ronnie called in a short time later trying to disguise his voice. He was telling Howard that Levy sucks today. Bob said that someone must have been holding Ronnie up to a pay phone somewhere. Ronnie was goofing on Bob and Howard said he doesn't understand this war between the two of them. Bob said that he really wants to beat the shit out of him after this stuff. He said he wants to knock him off his ass today. Ronnie wouldn't stop with his character voice even though everyone knew it was him.
Bob said that Sal's comedy career is over as of tonight. He said that they had a picture of Sal and Shuli on the screen and he said that those two are going to be doing 10 seater comedy shows if they keep this shit up. He thinks that they put Ronnie up to it. Bob told Ronnie that he makes a living doing comedy and he's fucking with his living by doing that shit.
Bob said he wants to knock Ronnie out in front of people to embarrass him. Ronnie told him he's a lover, not a fighter. Ralph came in and said that Bob is a pussy because he has no sense of humor. Bob told Ralph to get out of there and go suck Ronnie's dick and to go clean Howard's underwear. Ralph told Bob not to get upset, he's just having an off day. Bob told him to go back and join Quiet Riot with that look of his. Howard told Bob he's seen his act and he knows he's funny. Jason came in and took some pictures of Bob as this was going on.
Bob said he's not going to work with Sal anymore after this because he knows he has something to do with Ronnie coming in to bust his balls. Sal came in and said he didn't have anything to do with this stuff. He thought Bob was taking it out on him without reason.
Sal said that Bob is one of the funniest guys out there and he has no problem with him. He's an incredible comedian. Ronnie came in and said that Sal was standing there and feeding him jokes so he was in on this. Bob said that's it for Sal then. Ronnie tried to defend himself some more but it wasn't helping so he left before any violence broke out.
Howard told Sal this wasn't funny and he blew it again. He told him he was an asshole and told him to get out of there. Bob said he bit the wrong hand and now he's not going to do the ''Meet the Strink'' show like he was supposed to do.
The guys ended up talking to Ralph for a short time when he came back in. He was saying that people have been mistaking him for Howard lately. Howard said that they went for a bike ride the other day and some guy mistook Ralph for Howard Stern even though he was right next to him on his bike with his hair up under his helmet.
Ronnie called in as his wife Bonnie and went off on Bob again. Bob said that Bonnie is also known as ''Unlucky cunt...'' Sal got on and did a few jokes himself. Bob said that Sal is pretty much dead to him now. He said he really wants to box Ronnie and knock his ass out. Howard said he likes when Bob comes in and he didn't have a problem with him. Sal was mooning Bob on Gary's camera while they were talking about him.
Shuli came in and asked why his name came up because he had nothing to do with what was going on. Bob said he would figure things out when he gets out of there. Howard ended the show around 12:05pm
Howard was off today so we had Jon Hein, Gary Dell'Abate and Ralph Cirella sitting in playing old bits for us. Jon Hein started the show off talking about the opening song to the show. Gary and Jon like the song but Ralph isn't a fan. Jon got right into the show and said that they have a lot of stuff to play from Howard's past at WNBC and other things like that. Gary said they're saving the K-Rock stuff for later on in the year but they will eventually start playing a ton of that stuff on Fridays.
Jon played the first audio clip which was something from earlier this week when Artie was talking about the kid he sponsored down in Costa Rica.
After the clip Jon wondered where that kid is that Artie sponsored. Gary said they're going to try and track him down. Jon moved on to the next segment which was some stuff about Rev. Bob Levy. They had the segment where Bob was unable to pronounce the word ''shrimp'' and ''shrink.'' He said ''strimp'' and ''strink'' instead. They also had a clip of Bob saying Lisa Lampanelli's name wrong and calling her Liser Lampagnelli. Then they had a clip of him trying to say ''Hedonism'' but saying ''Hedionism'' multiple times.
Ralph thought that stuff was pretty funny. Gary said it's one thing when you have someone trying to read off a piece of paper but it's something else when they're trying to repeat after someone. Jon played another clip from the Artie Roast where he said ''rotisererarie'' instead of rotisserie.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Bob might not be able to say some words but he is a funny guy. Jon said they weren't saying he wasn't funny. Another caller thought that Bob was pulling their leg with that ''strimp'' stuff. Jon asked Sal how Bob was doing last night since he did a show with him. Sal said that Bob is on and off and sometimes he's happy, sometimes he's miserable. He told the guys that he was telling him that when people mess with his livelihood, it pisses him off. Sal said Bob thinks that people are going to bust his balls when he gets on stage but that didn't happen last night.
Jon moved on to the next segment which was about Cabbie. Gary said that Cabbie was going to call him and give him updates from his ride from Boston but he never called. It turns out he wanted to surprise them so he didn't call. Cabbie showed up in the green room and then Penny Crone saw him and let the secret out when she gave her Howard 100 News preview. Jon said they weren't going to replay yesterday's segment, they were playing something from a recent show where Howard talked about Cabbie sending him mail from jail and how he ends up shredding all of the stuff he got from him.
Jon, Gary and Ralph talked about that Cabbie segment and about the mail that Howard was getting. Gary said he thinks Cabbie was sending him mail to another address other than the work address and he was really shredding them when they showed up. Howard wants nothing to do with prison mail so he just gets rid of it.
Jon took some phone calls and King of all Japs said that Cabbie was very interesting on the show yesterday. Gary said that if he worked for them on the show it would be crazy. They used to work in the same place at K-Rock but he didn't work directly for the show. He was always there when they wanted him though. Jon had to take their first break after that.
In the clip a lot of people were asking questions without even realizing it so Howard would hang up on them before they got their actual question out.
Jon and the guys talked about how Belzer was on WNBC for a while back when Howard was on in the afternoons. Gary said Belzer's show didn't work out so well and he was only on for about 9 months. Gary said a lot of people back then wondered what Howard and Robin looked like because they weren't on TV. Gary said a lot of people didn't know that Robin was black and they were always surprised when they found out.
Ralph said it's funny to hear Howard as a guy who wasn't getting huge ratings yet and asking the fans to get him ratings by telling their friends about the show.
Jon said that Riley became hip to the pranks that they were pulling on him and his reactions were always priceless. Riley recently called in and complained that someone had prank called his house and he was convinced it was Richard Christy even though Richard swore it wasn't him.
After that clip Jon asked Richard if Riley is still hunting him down. Richard said he hopes not. He said he really didn't have anything to do with the prank call that Riley was talking about. Gary said that at regular radio Riley would come on from time to time but now they're completely fascinated by him. Jon said it's his voice that's so distinctive. Gary isn't sure why they've become so infatuated with him now that they're on satellite.
Jon said Crazy Alice is another one who they can get into more because they can listen to her curse and go off without censoring her.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the clip of Howard back at WNBC and said that's the thing that got him into the show. He thought Howard stopped playing the game after someone asked him what kind of money he grossed that year. Gary said he may remember it that way but it's probably not the reason he stopped playing.
A caller talked about how odd Howard's voice sounded in the NBC clip. The guys talked about that (like they do every single week) and tried to explain to the guy that's the way Howard sounded back then because he was working on a top 40 station. Jon had to go to break after that.
Ralph said he loves how Fred builds up his sound effects during things like that. He said there are other times when Fred will play a quick sound effect that just hits him as funny. Jon played a clip where Lisa G was talking about Fran Drescher appearing naked during her play and Fred threw in the cat meowing sound a few times. Lisa was asking Fred to stop playing it because it was cracking her up.
In the final Best of Fred clip we hear him throwing in sound effects while they were playing a Nelly Furtado song. He's been doing that a lot with songs these days. Fred threw in a bunch of various audio clips during the song to make it a little more entertaining.
Ralph said he thinks Fred should do a half hour show where he just plays songs and sweetens them with those sound effects. Gary said he liked that no one was acknowledging the sounds that Fred was playing, they just let the song play. Ralph also said that he would like to talk to Fred about that on the show some day.
After playing that clip the guys talked about how great it was to hear that clip uncensored after all these years. Gary said they weren't able to get Jackie Stallone back on the show after that for quite some time. They later found out that Frank and Sylvester Stallone were upset about the whole thing and kept her from doing the show again.
Ralph said that he had to remind people that when you see her she's really hot even though she sounds kind of annoying on the radio. Gary said that song was great but what really makes it interesting is that Andrea knows the whole song all the way through. He said you wonder how she got there. Ralph asked Gary if he could fuck her with that voice of hers. Gary said he could do it and get past the voice.
Jon played another clip from that same segment where Andrea revealed the name of her daughter as being Beyonce. That came as a surprise to everyone that day.
Gary said he was laughing so hard about that name that he was covering up his face with his hands while Jason was taking pictures. The guys spent a short time on that and then moved on to another clip from that same segment where Artie, Trent and Howard came up with a song about Andrea called ''My Girlfriend's Got a Half Black Kid.''
Jon played some of the PSAs from the day Artie came back since he was laughing his ass off at them.
Jon took a phone call from a guy who said it's great when Artie laughs at those PSAs. Jon wondered if the clips need Artie laughing to make them work. The caller said they do need Artie there to liven it up a little bit. It makes you laugh even more when Artie points out just how funny they are.
Hook Nose Mike called in and told Jon that Artie laughing is like the icing on the cake with that stuff. Mike also asked if Howard has anything to do with the Friday Show or if they come up with it themselves. Gary said that Jon and Ralph come up with most of it and Howard really doesn't have all that much to do with it. Jon had to go to break after that.
In the clip Howard was calling himself ''Howeird Stern'' and explaining how he missed out on a few days after getting a sore throat after doing 3 hours on his first day there. Howard's voice didn't sound much different than it does today. He apparently wasn't putting on that ''Top 40 voice'' yet.
An Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator came in and did a bit with Howard. Howard spoke to Roz the traffic reporter and sang a short song about her. Fred was there putting on a strange voice that sounds oddly like his Artie impression.
Jon interrupted and said that they had more to play but he wanted to talk about what they had just heard. Gary said it was very weird that Robin wasn't there. Gary said he wrote down a note about what Fred was doing with his voice in that clip. He was talking about how Fred was called ''Earthdog Fred'' back then and how he got the name. They weren't sure why Fred was doing the voice but it may have had something to do with his name.
There were moments that Howard sounded like he wanted to come out and do things on the air that he just couldn't do. He wanted to spoil the promotion WNBC was doing back then where they were playing the top 660 songs that fans requested. He wanted to go right to number 1 and ruin the whole thing.
Jon played the second part of the clip and we hear Howard calling the NBC switchboard to tell them how great the show sounded to him. He asked to speak to Grant Tinker to tell him how great the show was but the operator couldn't put him through. Howard said he was going to do that every hour. He had Fred call in and do the same thing. Howard called back and did his gay voice and told the operator that he found the show to be very entertaining and wanted them to pass along the info to Grant Tinker.
Howard talked about how he was being yelled at about saying WNBC after each commercial. He played a song parody that they made about Roz the traffic woman.
Jon came out of the clip and talked about some of the people Howard was talking about and talking to in that clip. He had mentioned Kevin Metheney who was played by Paul Giamatti in ''Private Parts'' the movie. Gary said that Howard and Roz got along back then but the relationship went sour pretty quickly and they didn't get along the whole time. He said that one of the bits that might have driven her over the edge was a bit that Howard put together called ''Celebrity Phlegm'' where they took audio of her clearing her throat and played a game with her.
Jon said that this stuff all took place back in 1982 so he pulled a clip of the guy who was sitting in for Howard during those days he was sick just to give an example of what DJs sounded like at the time. The guy was called Big Ron O'Brien and Gary wasn't sure what happened to him but he was thinking that he may have passed away a few years ago. That was the kind of guy people were used to listening to back then.
Jon took a call from a guy who thought that Big Ron sounded king of like Bubba the Love Sponge sounds today in the way he spoke. The guys spent a little time talking about that. Jon was saying that he spoke to Howard yesterday and he was telling him about that first day there and how much pressure he was under. He knew he did a crappy show that first day but the second day was much better. He was under a lot of pressure because this was his return to New York City radio.
Another caller said it sounded a lot like Richard Christy singing that song that Howard played during that segment. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon played the first clip where Howard first played the awful ''Cum Paste'' bit that went on for over 2 minutes and 30 seconds. After picking apart that horrible bit Howard told the guys to call the creator of the bit so he could goof on him. We also heard some of Howard's call to the guy where he told him his bit was brilliant and then broke the news to him that they all thought it was horrible.
Jon and the guys talked about Greg's reaction to Howard goofing on him. Ralph thought the guy had no sense of humor but Gary said that the guy should have known that the bit would be goofed on because they never play anything like his bit on the show. The guys were also talking about the guy's wife interrupting him and telling Howard how great she thought his ''comedy'' bits were. Gary said he didn't really feel sorry for the guy because he should have gotten the joke. The guy was just so into his bits that he couldn't understand why someone would goof on him.
Gary is pretty sure they ruined the guy's whole vacation after doing that to him. Jon took some phone calls and one guy was saying that the guy should have known he was being goofed on just by the way Howard was kissing his ass. Howard never does that when he likes someone.
Another caller told the guys how hard he was laughing at the bit as it was going on. Another guy said it was great how Ralph was goofing on the guy while saying that he was laying in bed without a job of his own. Ralph said he has a job, he does the Friday Show for one thing. He also said he does whatever he wants to do.
Jon had Erica Phillips in again for another Howard 100 News preview. She ran through that quickly and mentioned some of the stuff they have coming up on Howard 100 News today. Sal also got in a mention for his Kill or Be Killed show that they're recording at Caroline's next Monday. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon moved on to the next segment which was Caller of the Week. He said this week's caller of the week is a woman who called in and got taken apart. She called in at the wrong time and got taken down by Howard. She was annoying him immediately so Howard ripped her apart.
The guys played a clip of Gary the Retard arguing with a phony voice mail system after the phone call with Wendy. Ralph said he thinks that Gary the Retard has gotten way more articulate than he was when he first started calling in. Gary said he used to be a nice guy but these days he just goes off on people.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Gary has turned into a bit of a prima donna these days and he has changed since he first started on the show.
The guys talked about what went on that morning. They thought that the guys were a little rough on Ronnie about his party. Some of the guys may have gone to the party just to get some stories to tell on the show. Sal said he had a great time at the party but he did get a bunch of stories to tell on the show from that. Gary said he thinks that most of the people who went had a lot of fun there and he knows that Ronnie was really pissed that some of the guys were goofing on him about the party.
Jon played another clip from before the party where Howard talked about how Ronnie went about inviting people to his party and ended up cursing people out when they didn't get back to him. They had to go to break a short time later.
The guys spent a little time talking about how Wendy's husband saved that interview because she wasn't all that great herself. Jon and Ralph both agreed on that.
Jon moved on and played a clip from a recent conversation where Artie apologized about going off on Dice during a phone call last week. That led to Howard playing a prank call that Sal and Richard made to a repair shop with 'Ralph' in the name so they could use clips of Artie yelling at Ralph from that Dice call.
Gary said that he wanted to point out that Artie said ''Evidently I was wrong'' when he was apologizing about the Dice thing so it makes it seem like a bunch of people spoke to him about it and got him to change his tune.
The guys talked about how Sal has to get consent to play those prank calls on the air. Sal said that's the hardest thing to do because he gets so nervous when he calls back and asks if they can play the prank call they just made. They lucked out with the Ralph call because the guy Ralph that they were trying to call was actually a fan of the show.
Gary said that must have been a really comfortable ride in with his wife getting pissed. Richard asked how they found the house. Sal said he got someone else on the phone and was directed right in there. Gary asked Ralph if he thought the call was a keeper. He thought it was good for The Friday Show but not for The Howard Stern Show. Gary thought it was great and would have held up on Howard's show as well. Jon also said he would have liked to have heard Howard's thoughts on that stuff.
Sal said that dealing with Richard is like dealing with a 3 year old. He has to deal with that stuff all weekend long. The guys said they'll try to get it played on Howard's show again. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Ralph hadn't heard the segment where Artie was having phone sex with Carmen Luvana in the German language. He didn't know how funny it was. Jon decided to wrap up the show after that. He asked the guys what they were doing this weekend. Sal said he was going to be doing a comedy show with Bob Levy tonight at Caroline's comedy club. The other guys are just hanging around doing ''whatever.'' They ended the show around 10:30am.