Howard started the show talking about how he's not in the mood for this today. He said he's going to go play golf like that guy on the Mets Matt Harvey. He said he thought he was called the Dark Knight because his name was Knight. Howard said everything is so stupid. He said he's so down on everything today. Robin asked what happened. Howard said he'll call her later. He said he always calls but he didn't call Robin. He said he'll yell at her later. He said she'll get hers later.
Howard said there are days when you're down and he doesn't feel funny today. He said it's a psychological thing of course. He said he has to be there and he has a job to do. Robin said the Mets pitcher missed a pitching assignment yesterday. Howard said Robin has been there during her cancer issues. Howard said they operated on her when she was off a week and then she came back. He said she was on the air the following day. Robin said that's right. Howard said they almost removed the entire lower part of her body. He said they removed so much of her body she was like new.
Howard said a lot of people suffer from depression. Howard said imagine making it to the Mets and then he has a freak out. Robin said this is what happens when things come to easily to people. Robin said they're the golden years and you can't pitch like that forever.
Howard said Lenny Dykstra had a work ethic like no one else. He said you have to go out there and play the game. He said do what you have to do you fuck.
Howard said speaking of Lenny he has a Cinco de Mayo message for Robin. Howard said if you're sick of Lenny then don't listen. Howard played the clip and Lenny asked Robin to have some margaritas for dinner and he'll suck on her pussy. He said he has to do that for her and get to that beautiful bush. Howard said that's why they called him nails because he doesn't give up. He keeps working it. Howard said just let him eat that pussy already and get it over with. Robin said ''Oh my goodness.'' Howard said just get it over with and do it. He said he thinks his message was offensive to everyone.
Howard said he looked on the calendar and saw that Memorial Day was coming up so he knows that they'll have another message from Lenny for that. Howard said he's sure it'll be about eating her pussy. Howard said he has Lenny singing about Robin. He played the song for Robin. Howard cut it off saying he'd had enough.
Robin said please give that guy a job. Howard said he has a job to do but Robin won't let him do it. Howard said keep at it Lenny. He said he's tough as nails.
Howard said he drank his coffee but he's not shot out of a cannon today. He said he's a Dunkin Donuts guy now. He said he's not drinking Starbucks now. He said he's sticking with this. He said it's not as bitter as Starbucks. Howard said it's not as strong. Robin said she always thought that about Starbucks. It's too bitter for her.
Howard played a commercial about his coffee drinking. Then he had a song parody from Eli Braden about him being shot out of a cannon after drinking his coffee.
Howard said that the other weird thing is the coffee shits. He said he has a weird tiny doody. He said it's like his body evacuates. He said he doesn't understand the doody thing. He said it's always in there. He said it's sticky. Robin said when man started to walk on two legs that screwed things up. Robin said cats and dogs have a nice doody because they are walking on 4 legs. Howard said that's an interesting theory. He said Robin is the doody whisperer. He said she has her book and all of that stuff. He said that he has to tell her that it disturbs him that when he goes he has a lot in there. He said he doesn't feel it fully come out. He said it always feels like there's a piece in there. He has to dig it out. Howard said he hasn't been using his Squatty Potty. He said he was having nice full eliminations. Robin said they say that the squatting thing is necessary because when we stood up we ruined the angle. Howard said he may start walking on all fours. He said he dreams every night that he is empty.
Howard said he's a celebrity and he shouldn't have to worry about this stuff. He said he stopped using the Squatty Potty because it became a production to use it. He said he kept it in the closet and he had to get it out of there and then set it up and use it. He said it was too much of a production.
Howard said he tried to get a full elimination by hanging upside down like a bat. He said that didn't work either. He said it bothers him. Howard asked what they did in cave times. Robin said they squatted. Howard said he does squat on the floor right before he goes. He said he does that to induce it. Howard said he talks to himself and coaches himself. He said everything with him is an effort.
Robin asked if other people are doing this too. Howard said imagine if his wife walked into the room when he was talking to himself.
Howard said there it is. He said someone wrote him an email saying he hates the song for the Priest and Boy bit. He said he was at work singing it. Howard said that's very popular with black people. He said black people are willing to talk to them more than white people. Howard said they had a big condom full of yogurt and they started eating it. He said that's pretty disgusting. Robin said it kept her interest and she didn't tune out.
Howard said JD found some audio of Ryan Seacrest and Kelly Ripa talking. He said that he can't believe they're paying the guy the same as Kelly Ripa. Howard said they also tied in that ABC is bringing back American Idol. Howard said Ryan likes him but he has a beef in the industry about working a bunch of jobs and he's not making the same money as Howard Stern. He said that he's trying to make what he's making but it's taking 15 jobs to do it. Howard said he has all of these shows and he's not happy that he can't make as much as he does with just one job.
Howard said Ryan doesn't even know what he makes. He said he's pissed that it's just one job though. He said it's a whole thing. He said according to people who know him this is what's going on. He said he's trying to get Ryan in there to talk about it. He said he may not have time.
Howard said he heard Ryan has to fly in on Sunday night and then he tapes the first hour of his radio show the night before the show. Then he has to do the Kelly Ripa thing. He said he does that and then does a radio show for 3 hours. Howard said you can't just hire this guy. You have to build him things. Robin said E! had to do that for him too. He had to have a studio there. Howard said he heard that he has 3 studios in New York. He said on the way there he drums on a bucket to make more money than him.
Howard said that subway job has to be fun. He said they must have wanted to be in a real band and they just weren't able to make it. Howard said drums aren't meant to be a solo instrument. Howard said that's why people go to the bathroom when a drummer does a solo. He said the singing is fine. He played a clip of a guy playing in the subway. He said it's just distracting. Howard said this is what it's like down in the subway.
Howard said to people who live there that's just annoying. He said it's charming to visitors though. He said public transportation is a nightmare. He said he has a clip of a woman yelling on the subway. He said if someone acts that way you just keep your head down. He said you pretend it isn't happening and keep your head down. You keep your eye on them in case they make a move. Howard said this woman is yelling at her husband for cheating on her and no one is saying anything.
Howard said he was reading in the appear that there was a guy who sprawls out on the bench and won't let anyone sit there near him. He said one guy takes a picture of him and sends it to the authorities and no one cares.
Howard played the clip of the woman yelling at her husband about cheating on her. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. Howard said Richard almost got kicked in the head by a dancer on the subway. Howard said he came really close to that. Howard played more of the woman screaming at her husband. Howard wondered who would cheat on such a lovely woman. He said this is a great commercial for Uber.
Howard let that clip play and the woman kept screaming at the guy. Howard said this is a guy just sitting on the bus recording this woman. Robin said she hopes she's just rehearsing for a play. Howard said she's not attacking anyone so she's one of the nicer people.
Howard said Richard sat in a bum's shit. He said Richard came in and sat down in it. Robin said she just saw the mayor opening up a new ferry last week. She said all he does is talk about making public transportation better.
Richard came in and said he learned a lesson from sitting in the shit. He said everyone was screaming at him not to sit down but he had his headphones on and he didn't hear them yelling at him. He said he still went to where he was going. He said he was about an hour into his subway ride. Howard asked if it was like diarrhea. Richard said it was partially dry but it stuck to his pants. He said he just kept going. He said he didn't get new clothes because it was like midnight and no one was open. Howard said that's so gross. Howard said people were waving at him not to sit down. Howard said when you walk around with your headphones in you don't have all of your senses. He said you can't block out your sense of hearing. Richard said he doesn't do that anymore. Howard said people run outside with their headphones and you have to keep your ears open. Richard said he still runs with headphones. He said he's come close to getting hit by cars.
Richard said Will Murray has the greatest story about someone sitting in shit. Howard said the story had better be good. Richard said he thinks it's awesome. Will came in and said his buddy used to go to a horse race and he went into a port-a-potty and it was so full that it was coming out the top and he saw two butt cheek imprints in the top of the shit. Howard said that's so disgusting. He said that guy will probably live to 150. He said you try not to get germs and all of that and then you get sick anyway. He said it's fucking horse shit.
Howard let Richard go after that. Howard said imagine you sit in shit. Richard said he hung outside with the shit on his pants. Howard said it's like the time Elephant Boy shit his pants and went to see Gary. Gary said he could see the shit stains on his socks. Howard said Elephant Boy said he didn't want to miss seeing Gary. He said no one could stand near him because of the smell. He said the guy didn't care. Howard said there was no good reason.
Howard said he hard Richard is in the new Guardians of the Galaxy. Richard said he has a line in it. He said he says ''Down there!'' Howard asked why they let him do that. Richard said he's been friends with James the director for a long time. Howard asked how long he had to be on set. Richard said it was for the day. He said it was so cool. He said he sat next to Kurt Russell in the make up trailer. He said the movie is hilarious. Robin said she wants to see it.
Howard said it's a big deal to be in a movie like that. He said it is a waste of a day though. Robin asked what else he's going to do, look for more shit to sit in? Richard said it was an awesome day for him. Howard asked if he talked to Kurt Russell. Richard said he didn't want to bother him. He said the wrestler Batista is great in the movie. Howard said he's so sick of wrestlers becoming actors. Richard said it's kind of acting when they wrestle. Howard said it's not good acting. Howard said that John Cena wasn't good in the Amy Schumer movie. Howard said that The rock has that dumb tattoo on him too. Richard said he thinks it's cool. Howard said Richard should get some pride and ask for a full part. He said it's like what Stan Lee does in every Marvel movie. Howard said he looks like a senile old man in what they do with him. Richard said he wanted to be in the movie. Howard said of course he did. He told him to get out. Howard said they make a billion dollar movie and they have Richard in it as a goof. Howard said they're goofing on Richard. Richard said no.
Howard said this happens with the directors who listen to the show. Richard said Howard can't be happy for him. Howard said he can be happy for him having a baby and stooping drinking. He said seeing him pop up for half a second in Guardians of the Galaxy he can't. He said he's just being goofed on. Richard said he doesn't think so. Howard told him to get out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he sounds extra whiny this morning. He said everyone wants to be in the movies. Howard asked the guy what he does for a living. the guy said he works in the oil fields. Howard asked the guy if they put him in the movie as a goof would he like it. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy. Howard said that what this guy does is important. He said if the boss wanted to replace him with another guy who had no experience he'd be upset.
Howard said that he believes in Richard and gave him a real job. Howard said if this guy believes in Richard then give him the Bradley Cooper part or the Kurt Russell part. Howard said you put him in for a second it's a goof. Howard said it's like having a guy come in and hold a scalpel for a doctor for a second.
Howard said JD noticed that Ryan Seacrest always has lists. He said that's his piece of business on that show. He said it's his show and tell bit. Robin said that Kelly always starts the conversation. Howard said Ryan had just started so he had a first day of work list. Howard said Kelly ash to get him under control. He said the list was boring. He said it should be a list of places to sit in someone's pile of shit. Howard said no wonder they pay him $17 million.
Howard played the clip of Ryan doing his list with Kelly. Howard said he should fuck Kelly on their first day. Robin said she noticed they hold hands on their way out. Howard said they're acting like they're in love. Howard said they're going to fuck on the couch. Howard said this won't last. Howard said this is like the first day of school. He got back to the list and played the clip. Ryan was talking about how nervous he was. He read the list and said you have to show up early. The audience clapped. Ryan went on with the list about what to wear and how to be humble and things like that. Howard said the other one is ''Don't be ugly.''
Howard said the next day Ryan said Kelly and Mark had been married for along time so he had a list of successful marriage tips. Howard said this is a thing for him. He said you know he's not coming up with this stuff. He said he has someone hading him a sheet of paper. He said this is his thing on the show though. He reads lists. Howard played some audio of Ryan talking about that. Howard said from now on he's just going to read lists on the show.
Howard said this is the guy who is going to come out and read lists every day. Howard said he's going to have a list where he talks about locking the bathroom so no one comes in when you shit. He said he'll have another list about not sitting in shit.
Howard said he thinks tomorrow he'll read his grocery list to Robin. Robin said that would be more interesting if Ryan did that. She said these lists have nothing to do with Ryan. Howard went through more list items that Ryan could talk about. Howard said he pictures him being handed a list 3 seconds before he comes out. He said he's sure they're from some magazine or something. He said that they probably pull them out of Red Book or something.
Howard had one thing on his list about not making your wife sing the Name Game. He said he had to hear about that the whole weekend. Howard said it's fun to sing. Robin said she was singing it the whole weekend. Howard said sure it's fun. Fred played the song and Howard and Robin sang along. Howard said Robin needs some practice.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a woman where they had him singing the Name Game and tried to get her to sing it. The woman hung up. They had another woman who started to sing it. She hung up too. They called another woman and she said he's crazy and must want her to curse him out. She hung up too.
Howard got back to his list of how to stay married. Howard said don't call her mother a cunt. Robin said that doesn't go over well. Howard said have a healthy boner too. Howard said he has a list of how to stay married a long time. He was goofing on Ryan's list.
Howard gave a few more suggestions. Howard said he should sit there and read lists to Robin. Robin said maybe he should do that on days when he's not in a good mood. Howard had more items for his list and said cum on her face but don't cum in her eyes. He had a few more. Howard said he watched America's Funniest Home Videos last nigh and they have a black guy on it now. Gary said it's Alfonso Ribero. Howard said he is one happy mother fucker. Robin said he won Dancing with the Stars so that's why he got that job. Robin said that was a couple of seasons ago.
Howard said Ryan's thing is lists. He said JD picked up on that. Howard played another list but he read that Bob Saget stopped hosting America's Funniest Home Videos in 1997. Howard said he had no idea.
Howard played Ryan Seacrest giving Kelly and the audience a list of things to talk about. Howard said no wonder he's getting $17 million. He said tune back in tomorrow for another list. Howard said he's keeping it real with his lists. Real stupid.
Howard played the clip and they were talking about where they would want to go. Howard asked how long until Kelly wants him out of there. Ryan gave the top places on the list of places to go and Hawaii was at the top. Howard said it would be great if he lost his mind and said the number one destination is her pussy. Howard said at least Michael Strahan didn't do lists.
Howard played the clip again to hear people clapping. Howard said there's a thing on Facebook that's so annoying. He said it's people putting lists of your 10 favorite concerts but one is fake. Howard said that's the stupidest thing. He asked why anyone would care. He said Ryan made a list of his concerts and let the audience figure out which one was fake. Howard played some audio of Ryan doing that. Howard said he can see Kelly's eyes rolling into the back of her head.
Howard asked how this fucking guy got $17 million. Howard said he's explaining the lists again. Howard said fuck you with this. He said this is his show prep. In the clip Ryan listed his 10 favorite concerts that he's been to over the years. He said one is a concert he has not attended. Howard said it's a good thing they hired him. Howard made up his own list.
Howard said that everything is so dumb. He asked what it all means. He asked if we were born to do this stuff. Howard said you don't deserve to live if you're watching that. He said it's a huge waste of time. Howard said today he's going to list 49 states and one of them is one he's never been to. Howard started to name states and asked Robin if he's been there. Howard asked about North Carolina and Robin said no. Howard said she's right. Howard said this is what they're talking about. Howard said he has to get the fuck out of there. Howard said Ryan is getting $17 million for that.
Howard asked Robin about more states. He went to Arizona and New Mexico. Howard told Robin about the Grand Canyon and how stupid it is to ride down on donkey's. Ward said he's been to Nevada too. He said he was there with Robin.
Howard asked if he's been to Delaware. Robin said he has driven through it at least. Howard has been to Vermont and Maine. He said he went to his cousin's farm up there. He said he used to go there all the time. Howard asked if the show is over yet. He said they can do a commercial break and continue to do the list. He said he's going to punish the audience with his bit.
Howard said a million fat housewives just tuned in to hear the lists. Howard said now he's going to name 10 foods and one is one he's never had. Howard said eggplant. Robin said yes. Howard named some things he has eaten. He said he has never had Cheetos but he remembered he has. He said they're good actually. Howard named Venison and Robin figured it was that one that he had never had. Howard said she's right. He said the deer are too cute to eat. Howard said now they can go home.
Howard asked JD to record the show and see if they do a list today. JD said he's on it. Howard asked if Kelly is doing most of the heavy lifting. JD said they talk about personal life stuff but it's the same bullshit every day. Howard said he sees JD back there watching that stuff and complaining that he doesn't want to watch it. Howard said he has to watch it because that's how he found out about the lists.
Howard said Gary is trying to get Ryan Seacrest in there. He said he's been on before and he's a very nice guy. He said the guy doesn't have to prep for his show so why not be nice. Howard said maybe he can talk to him about why he doesn't make as much money as he does. Robin said he can give him a list of reasons. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard said that Gary should host with Kelly. He said he's so full of words. He said they should have auditioned him like he did for MTV. Howard said Ryan Seacrest's layer just called and he's suing him for stealing his lists. Howard let the Gary clips go after that.
Howard said he did post online that clip of Amy Schumer singing with him last week. He said people wrote in asking where to get tickets for that musical. Robin said it could be a real thing. She said it would blow out Broadway. Howard read some responses they got about the musical. Howard played some audio of him singing with Amy last week.
Howard said Amy was right into it. He said the key is to not sing on key. Robin said that you don't have to in those songs.
Howard said this show is going to be such a hit and it'll have so much demand that they'll have to have it in every theater. Howard said Linn Manuel Miranda wrote a tweet about it. He said he liked their thing. Howard said he put a like on it. Howard said he might have to help write it. Howard said Bette Midler wants to be in it. He said she'll play Roger Ailes. He said she has the titties for it. Howard read more about the bit he and Amy did and he had no idea that the music was from Hamilton.
Howard said there's a thing called Broadway-Con that they covered. Howard said he heard that hundreds of people showed up to the event. Howard said it wasn't thousands but hundreds. Howard said that people show up as their favorite characters. Howard said the guys who covered it say that the typical fan was in their late 20s. He said there were some older people. He said all people were obsessed with everything Broadway. Howard said people are proud when they saw something that didn't last long on Broadway. Howard said people at Comic-Con laugh at these people.
Howard said that there were performance areas around the Javits Center. He said he has a clip of a singer performing there. He said this is what it sounded like in every corner of the place. Howard played a clip and the woman was signing a song from a musical.
Howard had anther clip of a Japanese guy singing as his favorite character from the musical Dear Evan Hanson. Howard said he has no idea who that is. Howard played the clip and the guy sang a song as this character. Howard played the song the guy was trying to sing. It wasn't really close to it. Howard said it seems like they don't even listen to the music that's playing behind them.
Howard started to sing his own song to some music Fred was playing. Howard sang about FOX News again. Then he came up with another song to some different music Fred played. He said he can't give up the whole play. He said he wants people to buy the soundtrack.
Howard said at Broadway-Con everyone was performing. He said this guy had his own web site. Howard played a clip of that guy talking about his web site and how he sponges off his parents. He talked about what he does on the site. Howard said they have to get a hold of that guy. He said the guys said he didn't blink once during the interview. Howard said they might have a whole bunch of new Wack Packers from that place. Howard said that this guy was dressed as Zacherley. Robin said maybe it was Phantom of the Opera.
Howard said Jon Hein has a list for them to get their ratings up. He took a call from the guys in the back who had some audio of Jon talking about his best fast food straws. Howard thanked him for doing this. They had Jon say ''Thank you'' to Howard. They had Jon talking about his favorite straws. Howard asked how his book isn't a best seller. Howard said he might be worse than Ryan Seacrest. Howard said it's a list only a guy with a huge ass would make. Howard had to cut the guys off. They stared to play another list. Howard asked how Jon didn't have a huge hit with that book.
Howard got back to clips from Broadway-Con. Howard said this guy who had his own web site didn't hesitate to sing his favorite song from the musical ''Pippin.'' Howard played him singing that song. Howard said George Takei was making fun of that guy and called him a homo. Howard played the real song the guy was trying to sing. Howard didn't last long with that. Howard asked if that guy disappoints his parents. Robin said they might be used to it by now.
Howard had another clip of a woman giving her favorite line from her favorite play. She rattled something off from a musical. Howard played the real song after that. Howard said he has to steal some of that for his own play.
Howard said this guy was upset that his parents didn't bring him to more plays as a kid. In that clip the guy said that his parents were middle class and they didn't take him to those shows like Hello Dolly. He said his ''pawents'' never too him. Howard said they say that this guy had really bad breath too.
Howard said this guy had a tough time saying some names like Jake Gyllenhaal. He had trouble with Bette Midler too. Howard said this guy should be in the Wack Pack too.
Howard said this next guy had a dress on and he had a strange voice too. Howard played the clip and the guy had an interesting laugh. Howard said he sounds like Fred doing his Nicole Bass impression. Howard played the clip again and the guy did sound like Fred. Fred did an impression of the guy and his laugh. Fred laughed when he heard the guy talking more. He really did sound like that Nicole Bass impression. Howard said they have to get that guy in the studio now. He said they may have found the gayest man in America.
Howard said this guy was proud to show off the longest note he could hold. Howard played that clip and the guy let out a scream for a few seconds. Fred said that was like 8 seconds.
Howard said they asked this guy for his favorite show tune and it was from Heathers. He had his girlfriend with him and she sang along with him. Howard said he and Beth sound like that when they watch The Bachelor. Howard played the song that those two people were trying to sing. Robin said she's marveling that those two found each other. Howard played more of the couple singing together. Fred played a dog howling after that.
Howard said he thinks Broadway has run out of things to sing about. He said they told people they were starting a new news channel and asked people to sing. He said they broke right into it. Howard played a clip of a woman being asked to sing about 9/11 and she just made up a song on the spot. She was asked to sing about Jon Benet Ramsey. She didn't know much about it but she made up a song anyway. Howard laughed as she was singing.
Howard said that's their musical news channel concept. He said he may write a Jon Benet Ramsey musical after hearing that. Fred played music but Howard said he's not singing now. He said he just did a couple of songs. He asked if he's Steven Sternheim or something. Howard asked what Steven Sondheim wrote. Gary told Howard a couple.
Howard said they sent their guy Donny Enos to talk to people at Broadway-Con. Howard played some audio of him doing interviews with people there. Donny said he knows everything about Broadway and argued with people.
Howard said that's Donny Enos. Howard said he likes that guy. Robin said he was very good. Howard had another clip of Donny talking to a guy and interrupting to do a commercial for Larry's Beef Flavored Condoms. The guy he was talking to said he won't talk to him after that.
Howard said he has to take another break. He said they have so much to do after that. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard came back a short time later and said that was from their show. He said he likes her. He heard she's coming out with a new album. He had Fred keep playing the song. Howard said he likes her. He said she's so adorable too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been trying to go to Saturday Night Live for years and he got to go Saturday. He said Gary, Jason and Will were there this weekend. Howard asked why they were there. Howard said Gary asked if he had watched. Howard said he saw the opening sketch but that was it. Howard said Gary didn't tell him he was there. Howard said he thinks he's afraid to tell him. Gary said they were at dress rehearsal and they had a reference to the show. Gary said that they were asked to go see how things work over there so that's why they were there. Howard asked Gary why he didn't tell him. Gary said he thought they'd talk about it tomorrow where they mentioned his name and Sal's name.
Howard said Gary was there with Jason and Will and then they put their names in the sketch. Gary said that they had a character's name that was ''Sal Delabate'' and they had put Sal and his last name together. Howard asked why he was saving that. Gary said they were going to play it for him later. Howard said he has the clip. He played the clip where they mentioned a character's name which was Sal Delabate. Howard said that name gets a laugh all the time. Howard said Gary's spelling is Dell'Abate and it's funny spelling. Howard played more of the clip.
Howard asked if Gary learned anything there. Gary said Jason did. Jason said he learned that their staff is way too big over there. He said he'd cut about 2/3 of their staff. Gary said they still hand write cue cards. Jason said they were all very nice over there. He said they could streamline things over there. Howard said now he's like Lorne Kaplan there. Howard said they have to come up with stuff quickly there. Howard said they have to do that because they move around with the actors. Howard asked what good this is if they don't use cue cards there.
The caller said Gary was on his phone the whole time he was there and he was asked not to use it. Gary said he used it once about 20 minutes before the show and he was asked to put it away so he did.
Howard said when he does his Gary impression you can't even understand what he's saying. Howard did his impression of Gary talking about using his phone and being asked to put it away. Howard said Gary says he learned some stuff but he learned that you can use his teeth as cue cards.
Will came in and said that he didn't think the phone thing was that big of a deal but this woman was yelling at everyone. Howard said they have rules there. He said that's why she yelled at him. Will said the best thing was that he kept looking at his phone in his jacket. Howard asked what was so important. Will said he may have been following the French election. Robin asked what was so important. Gary said he got a text and he wanted to make sure it wasn't from home. Howard asked what it could have been. Gary said it could have been an emergency. Will said he was scared to check his phone. Will said the woman yelled at Gary to put it away when he had it out. He said it was scary even though it was 20 minutes before the show.
Howard said Gary was probably texting Ross at the Bruce Springsteen concert. Gary said he wasn't texting anyone. Howard asked what the fuck. He said Gary got yelled at by some girl. Will said she was a page. Howard said they should have made him leave. Howard said Gary had to check every 20 minutes to see if there was an emergency at home. Howard said the kids are out of the house. He said there was no emergency. Howard said it's embarrassing. Gary said he knows it's not an emergency. He said he just checked it. Howard said they're producing a live show and they have to police Gary.
Howard said they have rules there too. He said they don't let Sal out of the room until the guest leaves. Will said that's a good point. He said it's like Gary telling guests not to chew gum and then he goes and chews gum. Howard said they have to have someone assigned to Gary after that. Gary said he put it away and he apologized.
Howard got a note saying Gary was making plans to go out with Ross after the taping. Howard said Gary is there as an ambassador of the show and he does that. Howard said it's like going to that White House Correspondents dinner and asking Bradley Cooper to come over to his table to say hello to everyone. Howard asked if he can go somewhere and not embarrass him. Will said he thinks Gary was still eating when he did that to Bradley. Howard said Gary checks his phone even though they have signs saying no phones. Howard said good job hiding it. Will said he had it out in the open but then he tried to be sneaky about it.
Gary said the time he got yelled at was about 20 minutes before the show. He said then he got a text and checked it inside his jacket. Howard asked what emergency he'd be able to handle from the phone. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Gary defending himself. Howard said Gary checked his phone in his jacket. Will said that was during the show. Howard said he used his phone during the show and hid it in his coat. The caller said he saw that going on. He said that is kind of a Baba Bigshot kind of move.
Howard said that now he has to apologize to Lorne when he sees him. He said he knows Gary broke the rules. He said he's not even sure what to say about that.
Howard took a call from the page that caught Gary. It was one of the guys in the back even though the page that yelled at Gary was a woman.
Howard asked when this is going to end. Will said that everyone heard him being yelled at too. Howard said ''Oh my god...'' He said even after getting yelled at he still checked his phone. The caller said there were plenty of people standing outside who would have loved that seat and wouldn't have checked their phones.
Howard was going to ask Gary a question but he stopped himself. He said that he's a Rara Rulebreaker. Howard said Gary is the size of a whale. He said he runs like 4-6 miles but he's fatter than he's ever seen. He said he must be running to the deli.
Will said they went out to eat and then went to Saturday Night Live. He said then Gary went out to Nobu with Ross after that. Howard said he could study Gary forever. Howard said of course he went out to eat again after that. Howard said Gary has a belly on him. Will said he runs all the time. Gary said he was thinking about how he made fun of Bill Clinton for being fat after running. He said he's now that guy. Gary also said he did eat at Nobu.
Will said Gary had rock shrimp and at least 3 rolls. He said it was a lot of food. Howard asked Gary why he'd worry about home but then go out to eat. Gary said he ''just wanted to make sure... forget it.''
Howard said he heard that Gary ordered a Fidget Cube to keep himself busy. Gary said he didn't buy that. Will said Gary saw a kid with one and thought he'd like to have one.
Howard did more of his impression of Gary and said he can't believe he got yelled at by a kid. Gary said he didn't know he was doing something wrong. He said he just put it away. Will said the woman wasn't very nice about it either. Howard said he didn't know Gary was going to Saturday Night Live. He said he actually doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to be in that loop. Will said he was excited about it. He said that they were just kind of in the audience though. He said they didn't get to find out how they run things there.
Howard said that it's kind of ill conceived. Howard said Gary was out of there eating Nobu by 10:30. Howard did his impression of Gary texting Ross about going out after. Then he had the woman telling him to put his phone away.
Howard asked if Gary has been washing his peanut butter spoon. He said he heard he dips his spoon in peanut butter and doesn't wash it. He just puts the spoon away. Howard said that's disgusting. He said Richard should smell the spoon. Howard did his impression of Gary talking about his peanut butter spoon. Howard asked how much Gary is dipping into that. Gary said he does it 2 or 3 times. Gary said he does wash it in the bathroom. Will said he could go to the kitchen and wash it. Howard said they should follow Gary around like they did with Gilbert Gottfried. Howard said that movie is great. He said they made a documentary about Gilbert. He said that Gary would be fascinating. He said he'd want to watch that.
Howard said Gary gets faux crab meat that he eats. He said it's not real but Gary says it tastes like crab meat. Howard asked if Gary eats it at his desk. Will said he does. He said he eats it with his fingers. Howard asked if it's fascinating. Will said it is fun to watch Gary eat. Howard said he thinks there's a documentary there.
Howard said Wolfie wants to chime in on this. He took a call from Wolfie who asked if Gary is easily amused by simple things. Howard said he does. Wolfie said that Gary said he likes to watch the band Styx because the guy has a keyboard that spins around. Howard said Gary likes to watch the local news too. Wolfie said Gary also likes to take off his speaker covers to watch the speakers bounce up and down. Howard said Gary has too much free time. Wolfie asked what Beth would do if Howard took his speaker covers off to watch them bounce. Howard said she'd leave him.
Howard said he can't believe Gary had two dinners. He said he's running like a maniac but he's huge. Will said he can't believe it either. Howard asked what Gary weighs. Gary said he's about 215. Howard said he can't be taller than 5'4'' tall. Gary said he's taller than that.
Howard asked if he should call and apologize to Lorne. Will said he doesn't think so. He said some of the guys there were really excited to see Gary. He said Bobby Moynihan was very excited. Gary said Bobby called them down to talk to them before they left. Howard asked what Gary talked to Bobby about. Will said that they talked about the character being named after Sal and Gary. It's Gary's father's name too but it was actually named after Sal.
Howard did his Gary impression talking about how they came up with the name Dell'Abate. Howard had Gary talking about sending Bobby some fake crab and things like that.
Howard said Gary's big learning experience was not to take out your phone at Saturday Night Live. Will said they're not fucking around there. Will said it was actually very fun going there. Howard let Wolfie and the caller go after that. Howard said he's sitting there in shock. Howard said he is amazed by that story.
Howard said he had Lorne Michaels on the phone. One of the guys in the back was doing a Lorne impression and asked if he can send over a couple of their guys to pop bubble wrap while Howard does his show.
Howard said he'd like to know what Gary was doing on his phone. Will said he saw him checking news. Howard asked Gary what he watches for local news. Gary said he watches ABC and then FOX 5 at 10. Howard said way to represent the show. He did his Gary impression again and had Gary texting Ross. Howard wondered what Ross was doing out at that time on a Saturday. Gary said he was with Wayne. Will said that Ross was wondering how good his seats were. He said he's obsessed with that. He said it's all about how good the seats are.
Howard said it's Wayne, Ross and Gary hanging out on a Saturday night. Howard said they had big plans. Howard asked what he had to drink. Gary said he had one drink. It was a scotch. Howard said he washed down the rock shrimp with that. Howard said alright, that's a good story. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he heard from JD that Ryan Seacrest did another list this morning. Howard said he has the clip. Howard said this is a daily routine apparently. Howard played the clip of Ryan Seacrest reading a list of 20 things we don't do anymore because of technology. Robin said he's trying to drag it out because he has nothing else to talk about. Howard said he claims he read it in the newspaper. He doesn't believe he even reads the paper.
Howard said he heard that this guy Comey in the FBI is a good dude. He said he knows some guys who are in the FBI and they say he's really honest. He said that's what he's hearing so he doesn't know for sure. Howard said they say he's a good FBI director. He said it's from guys he respects. He said he's going to give a list of all of the top FBI guys.
Howard said the MTV awards happened this weekend. He said it's the movie and TV awards now. He said it's a very serious affair. Robin said it used to be a goof. Howard said they had a bucket of popcorn in gold as the award. Howard said now they get all serious about it. Howard said he has some clips. He said Hailee Steinfeld was there all decked out. Howard said she's in the movie Edge of 17 and she's adorable but not the girl you want to fuck but when she's decked out she's got some body. Howard said he's not sure how old she is but she was really good in that movie. He hopes she won the award. Howard said Justin Bieber better not be fucking her. He heard they're just friends but who knows. Howard said she's 20 years old. Robin said she looks very young.
Howard said there was a woman who came out on the MTV awards and she's a ''non-binary'' actor. Robin said they had Best Actor awards and it was both men and women. Howard said he didn't know what the fuck non-binary was. He said it took him an hour to figure it out. He said it's when you're not a woman or a man. Robin said there's a character on Billions and she announces her pronouns are ''they and them...'' Howard said that's like Jews for Jesus. Howard said it's bullshit when they say that this has never been done before for awards like this. He said Best Director is one where they don't have a male and female. He said they have to explain that to this person.
Howard played a clip of Asia Kate Dillon at the MTV awards. Robin said she's the one on Billions. Howard said it sounds like a woman to him. Howard said she's a girl. He said he goes for transgender and all of that. Howard said he's not buying into this. He said he's drawing the line. He said if you tell him you're non-binary he's not going to go with that. Robin said that he has to. Howard said you can say it but he's not buying it.
Howard played more of Asia Kate Dillon talking about her non-binary status. Howard said maybe he can ease his way into accepting this. Robin said he had better or he'll sound uncool. Howard asked where they go to the bathroom, between the men's and women's bathroom?
Howard read that they have 31 different gender identities they acknowledge. Howard said Robin might have to read that list like Ryan Seacrest.
Howard said that Emma Watson turned out to be really hot. He didn't know how she was going to turn out. Robin said she did. Howard said he's not sure about Millie Bobby Brown. Robin said she'll have to wait to see. Howard said he was cute at her age but then something went horribly wrong.
Howard played a clip of Millie Bobby Brown talking about not separating the men and women actors. Howard said the two dudes who made out in Moonlight won for best kiss. Robin said she doesn't agree with that award. Robin said the hottest kiss is the two guys in Sense8. Howard said he doesn't know that show. Howard said the guys in Moonlight jerked each other off. Robin said there are no hotter sex scenes than in Sense8. Howard played a clip of an actor talking about his part in Moonlight.
Howard said everyone was into their statements and messages. Howard said it wasn't all that fun. He said even Vin Diesel wasn't that fun. He said he sees his movies as bringing the world together. Howard said he thinks it's because it's a multi cultural thing. Robin said it's because it's cars. Howard asked if anyone in that group is non-binary.
Howard asked if Vin identifies as a man. Howard played some audio of Vin talking about Paul Walker and calling him Pablo. Howard wondered what's up with that. Howard said Vin has never met his biological father so even he's not sure what he is.
Howard had some more clips from the MTV awards and he had one from Taraji P. Henson talking about the movie ''Hidden Figures.'' She said without these women then we wouldn't be in space. Howard asked if that's true. Robin said according to the movie it is. Howard said he didn't see the movie. He said he waits for the free movies. He said that's why he's watching the Gilbert Gottfried movie.
Howard said Millie Bobby Brown was in Stranger Things. He said she was like a kid in that. He said they make a big deal about her. He said she's like the spokesperson for the group. Howard said if he was a parent of the kids he'd tell them to take control. Howard said she's a microphone hog. Howard said whenever he sees the kids from Stranger Things she's the only one you care about. Howard said they do one interview to her 20. Howard played more audio of her making an acceptance speech at the MTV awards.
Gary said he saw a clip of her blowing off a fan when she was having coffee. He said he saw her at a hotel he was staying at one time.
Howard said Mark Wahlberg came out and gave a synopsis of the new Transformers movie. Howard played a clip of that.
Howard said that he has to get to the news. He asked Fred what he should do. Fred told him to do some live. He played Bill O'Reilly's clip where he says ''We'll do it live! Fuck it!'' Howard wondered what Bill has been up to lately. He said he has a podcast. He said everyone has a podcast. Howard said High Pitch Erik has a podcast. He said he's now in the same business as Bill. They both have podcasts. Howard played an edited clip of Bill from his podcast and then played a clip of High Pitch Erik from his podcast. He had a lot of background noise from his end of the conversation. Then the noise went away and he had echo. Howard said it's like a radio show on mushrooms. He said Bill and High Pitch Erik are doing the same thing.
Howard said he has 3 years and he's out. He doesn't want to be in the same business as High Pitch Erik. Robin said that is the sign that it's time to go. Howard did a live commercial read and then a break after that.
Howard came back and asked if Robin wants to do some news. Robin said absolutely. They played her into it with a song parody.
Howard said he has Jon Hein on the phone again to read another list. The guys played some audio from Jon's Audio Book where he talked about a variety of ways TV shows can jump the shark. They had Jon reading ways shows jumped the shark and asking when they think they happened. Howard said he's like Ryan Seacrest but with a huge ass. Howard let Jon go as the guys were playing him talking about all of these shows that jumped the shark. Howard said Jon has such an energetic delivery. He said he's glad he made him the host of a show.
Robin got to her news and read a story about how Kelly Ripa is going into the New Jersey hall of fame. Robin read about some of the other people who are from New Jersey who are in the hall of fame. Howard said that sounds like the saddest place on the planet. He said maybe no one actually shows up. Robin said she's never seen the New Jersey hall of fame. Howard said he was insulted when he was inducted into the radio hall of fame because it was in some guy's basement.
Robin said more information about the Mel B case came out. Robin said that Mel claimed that her husband knocked up the nanny. Howard said he didn't know about all of that stuff. Howard asked who knew all of this was happening. Robin said the Nanny claims she wasn't pregnant by the husband. She said Mel B was willing to help her out but now the nanny is saying she was hooking up with Mel B and not her husband. Robin said now she's suing Mel B. Robin said she was wondering how Howard missed all of this. Howard said he's glad he did. He said there was a lot going on with her and Heidi too. Howard said they were shooting one night late and Heidi and Mel B's kids were all playing in front of them and Howie told them to go say hi to Howard. Howard said he was miserable to begin with and then they had these kids there. Howard said they should have brought out the girls Nick was banging instead. He said it was late at night and the kids were there. Howard said maybe the nannies were there. He said you never hire a nanny that hot.
Howard said High Pitch Erik has a list of things that are hot about Donnie Wahlberg. Howard picked up and Erik read the list of reasons he loves Donnie. He said he's good looking and hot. Howard said those are the same things. Erik said they're not. He said Donnie is so, so attractive. Howard said this is the list of a 3 year old. Erik said he wants to blow a load in his face and marry him. Howard said ''but you're not gay.'' Howard said he's only gay when it comes to Donnie Wahlberg. Howard said he knows guys like that. He said they're very particular about who they're gay with. Howard said they're just gay for this person.
Howard said it's fair to say that Erik is gay. Erik asked if Howard is gay for Ralph. Howard said he doesn't want to stick his dick in the guy. He doesn't think it's hot either. Howard said if he was gay for Ralph or Jimmy Kimmel he'd be gay. Erik said he's only attracted to Donnie. He said he's still attracted to women. Gary said he's also attracted to a bunch of weathermen. He also came out of the shower nude in front of Gonzo Shitcock. Erik said he did that too. Howard said there are enough examples of this to show that he's enjoying men. Erik said he doesn't enjoy men.
Howard said he tried to seduce Gonzo. Erik said that Gonzo was sleeping and he laid next to him. He said he stayed in the room when he woke up. Howard asked if his dick accidentally fell into his mouth. Erik said no. He said Gonzo tried to seduce him last year in Atlanta. He said he touched him all over. Howard asked if Erik got erect. Erik said he told him to get off of him. Howard said he's like the new Angelina. Erik said he misses Joey very much. Howard asked if he would blow Gonzo. Erik said he would have Gonzo blow him.
Howard asked if there are any women he's attracted to. Erik said he'd love to fuck Taylor Swift. He said he fucking loves her. Howard asked if he would rather have Donnie Wahlberg or Taylor Swift. Erik said he'd rather have a threesome. He said that's hard to pick. Howard said for most of them it's very easy. Erik said he'd pick Taylor Swift. Howard asked if Erik has ever been blown by a man or blown a guy. Erik said no to both.
Howard asked Erik to describe the perfect penis. Erik said he's never seen one. He can't see his own because it's hidden under the fat. Howard asked Erik to describe a nice night with Donnie. Erik said he'd want him to have about 7 inches and be super hard. He said it has to be super thick too. Howard asked about the balls. Erik said they're normal sized. Erik said that it must be circumcised. Howard asked about the load. Erik said it would be a really big, thick load in his fantasy. He'd also have normal sized balls. Howard said he just described his perfect penis. Howard asked what his cock would taste like. Erik said he wouldn't taste his cock.
Shuli came in and said that Erik gets worked up by guys in uniform. He said that he asks them to show him around and stuff. He said he runs to cops and fire fighters too. Howard asked Erik who would clean up after having sex. Erik said he would so he could be on top of him. Shuli asked if he would let Donnie finish on his face. Erik said to be a gentleman he would.
Erik said that Donnie is a great guy. Howard asked if he would let Donnie tittie fuck him. Erik said he doesn't have big tits. Howard said he does. Erik said he would do that. Howard asked if he would let him finger his ass. Erik said if he wanted to, yeah.
Robin asked why Erik can't get in touch with Donnie himself because he works with him. Erik said the season is over. Robin told him to wait for next season.
Howard asked Erik to do more gross stuff like licking Donnie's asshole. Erik said no at first but then said he'll ''do it fucking live!'' Howard said you know you've hit rock bottom when Erik is goofing on you.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a man being accused of sexually assaulting a chicken. Howard said he saw a film of a German guy fucking a chicken when he was younger and it was very disturbing. Robin said this guy said he was putting his hands on the chicken's sex organs to arouse himself. Robin said she's not even sure where those organs are on a chicken. Howard said that he has a similar story. He played a clip of a woman who was complaining about a man who has been sexually assaulting her goats. That was in a news clip. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin said thanks to everyone having phones these days we get video of things we wouldn't get. Robin said that there's a woman who was caught insulting a Muslim woman in line at a Trader Joe's. Robin had the audio of the woman saying that Obama isn't in office anymore so we don't have a Muslim in there anymore. The Muslim woman said she was born here. The woman continued to insult her. Robin had a few clips for Howard to play.
Robin said that these guys have to get to Matt Harvey and tell him he has to show up for work. Robin said he's filing a grievance for being suspended for 3 games. Robin said they haven't said which rules he broke but he failed to show up on Saturday. Robin said he wasn't scheduled to play but the Mets had to call up another pitcher to fill in. Howard said all the guy had to do was show up to work. He didn't even have to play. Robin said that this might be the new fangled young people who are thinking this way.
Robin read a story about Netflix renewing the show 13 Reasons Why. Robin said the first season focused on messages left behind by a girl who committed suicide. Robin said that the second season will work on people picking up their lives in the aftermath of the suicide. Howard said Ryan Seacrest could make up a list of shows that he isn't watching but other people are watching. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the world's heaviest man and asked Howard what he thinks he weighs. Howard said 1300 pounds. Robin said that's exactly right. Robin said he's having surgery this week. Robin said they say he weighed around 1300 pounds. Howard said he's very impressed with himself today. Robin said he's having gastric bypass surgery tomorrow. Robin said they say that he's been trying to lose weight for the past 3 months. Howard guessed he lost 150 pounds. Robin said it was 400 pounds. He's still at 900. Robin said they are going to do the operation now. They want to get him down to about 450 pounds. Robin said he says he wants to be able to dance again. Howard said he might have trouble doing that at 450 pounds. Howard said he should just write a fast food book about straws.
Robin read a story about it being stroke awareness month this month. Robin said that you have to remember to be fast if you think someone is having a stroke.
Robin read a story about how Tequila may help bones in the human body be stronger. Robin said it works for people with Osteoporosis. Howard said Gary's bones are like steel from that. He said just look at those teeth. They played a Baba Booey song parody after that.
Robin read a story about how the health care bill that passed last week got people up in arms when a law maker said that no one dies when they don't have access to health care. Robin had some audio of the guy saying that no one dies when they don't have access to health care. Robin said he later went on social media to say that he meant to say that the laws say that emergency rooms must treat someone who is ill even if they don't have coverage. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Paul Ryan saying that people in the House are keeping their word to keep health care costs down. Robin said that they say that 24 million people will still lose their coverage in the next 10 years. Robin said the senate still has to take up that bill. Robin said that some are saying that it won't even be considered by the senate. Robin had some audio for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about the President saying that he's keeping his promise about getting rid of Obamacare. Robin said they're saying that his tax cuts aren't going to pay for themselves. Robin said it could lead to a bigger deficit. Robin said the President is getting frustrated because he thinks Washington is broken. Robin had some audio of Mike Mulvaney talking about that on Face the Nation.
Robin read a story about how Bill Maher got into trouble for making a joke about the President and his daughter. Robin said he mimicked the president looking at a picture of Ivanka and performing a sex act on himself. Howard said he saw that and it wasn't that big of a deal. Howard said Stephen Colbert did a joke about Trump's mouth being a cock holster for Putin but it was all bleeped out and he wasn't even able to tell what he said. He said now the FCC is investigating. Howard said they say they have to investigate. He asked what there is to investigate. He said it's the oddest thing ever. Howard read an article about the investigation. Howard said it was on TV and it was bleeped. Howard said if they bleeped it you don't know what the word is. He said it's like investigating a TV show you just watched. He said there's nothing to investigate. He said they're saying that to teach Colbert a lesson they're going to fine Howard Stern. Robin said that happened with the Janet Jackson debacle. Howard said that's right.
Robin said the Yankees were in a game that lasted 18 innings last night. Robin said it's the longest game of the season so far. Howard said he can't believe that the FCC is still a thing. He said the idea of them controlling what people say is wrong. Gary said it was on at 11:30 and they've never fined anyone for something that aired that late.
Robin said MTV combined their movie and TV awards into one. Robin said they had a show filled with surprises and touching speeches. Robin said that the most touching moment was Vin Diesel paying tribute to his friend Paul Walker who he called Pablo. Robin had some audio of that.
Robin said President Obama picked up the Profile in Courage award. Robin had some audio of Obama speaking about health care.
Robin read a story about the French having an election yesterday. Robin said that the more mainstream candidate won. Robin said it's Emmanuel Macron who won. Robin had some audio of him making his acceptance speech. Howard said he likes this guy because he's married to his high school teacher. Howard said she's like 40 years older than he is. Howard said he's a young guy. Fred said she's 25 years older. Howard did some math to figure out that she's 64 and he's 39. Howard said that's really wild. Robin said it's one of these relationships that started in high school that's blowing people's minds. Howard said he can't put him down. He said he would have married one of his teachers but none of them wanted to fuck him. Robin had some audio of some French people commenting on the election. That led to Fred doing his French voice for a short time.
Robin read a story about Nicki Minaj helping out some students with tuition. Robin said that she's going to help about 2 dozen students. Howard said that's lovely.
Robin read about how Guardian's of the Galaxy was number 1 at the box office with $145 million. Howard said Richard Christy stars in it. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started the show asking Robin if she likes ''hey now!'' or 'Hey oh'' better. Robin picked Hey Now. Howard said that was the right choice.
Howard said they love being with their audience and forgetting their troubles. Robin said that's what they're there for. Howard said he knew there was a reason they were there.
Howard said he continues to be fascinated by this guy on the NY Mets known as the Dark Knight. He said he knows how hard it is to become the best in your field. He said he had to work hard to become the best pitcher and he has so much going on with the girlfriend and things like that. He said he was rumored to be dating Adriana Lima. He said no one has ever linked him with her. He said people who go to the games aren't making a fortune and being a pitcher is great because you only pitch in every 5th game. He said they're saying the guy was out all night at some bar and he went to play golf and didn't show up for the game. He said that's his job. Howard said of course his goal was to live the lifestyle of Derek Jeter and he was living that dream. Robin asked what Derek Jeter did. Howard said he showed up to the games. Robin said he paid attention to the game. Howard said that's right. He said Derek learned from Ryan Seacrest to go to work every day and do multiple things.
Howard said when the fans see this guy they want to yell and scream at him. He said he's taking privilege and throwing it away. Howard said when you're a NY Met you don't dream of the playoffs but all the pussy you can get.
Howard said he's very excited today because Chris Stapleton is coming in. He said he didn't know much about this guy but he is a very successful country artist. Howard said he thinks he's way more mainstream than that. He said he thinks country is too narrow. Howard said he was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live. Howard said he looked like Wolfman Jack a little bit. Howard said he didn't even look in the camera. He said Simon Cowell used to tell people to look in the camera but this guy doesn't have to. He said he has such a beautiful voice. Howard said he wants to have the guy on the show and he'll be in today. He said he's written like over 200 songs that have been recorded by other artists. Howard said he heard him doing this song called ''Nobody to Blame'' on Saturday Night Live. He said he told Gary to try to get him on. Howard played some of the song.
Howard said Letterman stole his look with that giant beard he has. Howard said Chris has some good tunes. He said he had a big album called Traveler. He played some more of his music and said he'll be in whit his band and they'll play some stuff. Howard said he's good. He said he doesn't think he ever expected to be a star himself. He said he was writing so many songs.
Howard got a note saying he's coming in with his guitar and not with his band. Howard said that's even better. Howard called it a ''Gee-tar.'' Howard said he likes the song ''Daddy doesn't Pray Anymore.'' Howard said he defies you not to feel something with that song. Howard played some of it.
Howard said Jimmy Fallon is coming in tomorrow. He said he had to cancel recently. He said he had done Saturday Night Live and had to do his own show so he was busy. Howard said he was working. Howard said he's looking forward to that too.
Howard said that Chris is going to perform a song off his new album. Howard played another one of his songs. Howard said Chris was in a band called the Steel Drivers. He put out this song. He played some of the song he was talking about. Howard said Adele heard the song on her tour bus because the driver was playing it. He said she put it on her album. He had her version too. The song was ''If It Hadn't Been for Love.''
Howard said Chris was on Jimmy Fallon last night. He said he'll be in there this morning. Howard said Chris is still selling albums and no one is still selling albums. Robin said Country fans still buy albums. Howard said they're like 25 years behind. He said that they just got Blackberry phones. Howard did his southern voice and talked about getting those phones.
Howard said Richard has OCD he thinks. He said every time he leaves he starts talking to him when he's halfway down the hall. He said that Richard said he wants to see that Gilbert Gottfried documentary and he wasn't even in the door. Howard said Richard has a wired thing going on there. He said he's not sure what's going on there. He said he picks up on all of this shit. He said it was supposed to be a quick conversation and Richard wants to keep it going. He said he's not sure if he's an idiot or what. He said Richard knows what time the show starts and he keeps talking to him. He said he just wants to do a quick thing and Richard is dragging it out. Howard said these guys don't know what small talk is. He said he has to teach them.
Howard said Richard's dad seems like such a nice guy. He said he can see why Richard talks the way he does. Howard played a clip of Richard talking to his dad. Richard's dad was talking about taking a friend back home after he brought his tractor over. Richard's dad was telling Richard what he's been up to and Richard was talking really slow back to his dad.
Howard said it's weird, right? Howard said his dad never talked to him about much. He said he never had conversations like this. He said he digs Richard's dad as a dad but the conversation is very different. Robin said it's stuff you've never heard before.
Howard said Richard's dad talks about having a hen with 20 eggs in this next clip. Howard played that and Richard's dad said that the hen has 20 eggs under her and they start scratching up the yard. Richard's dad said they have to get a cage to put the babies in so they don't tear up the yard.
Howard said he's going to sell this as a cure for insomnia. Howard said he thought when you had chickens you had chicken feed and they don't need to dig up the yard for worms. He said he's seen pictures in commercials for chickens. Robin said maybe the babies don't use feed. Richard came in and said it's a natural thing for them to do. He said it's an instinct. Richard said the yard is just dirt at times. Howard asked if his dad eats the baby chickens. Richard said they eat maybe half and get eggs from the other half.
Howard wondered how they choose. Richard said he remembers as a kid he'd just yank their heads off and they'd run around with their heads off. Howard said it's freaky. He remembered seeing that happen.
Richard said he walks faster now that he lives there in the city. He said things have changed since he moved out there. He said his wife is from around Philly so they go out to visit in Kansas and they'll visit for like 4 or 5 hours. Howard said his parents kick him out after like 10 minutes. He said they told him not to even come over the other day. He said he told that story. He said he was going to stop by around 4:30 but they eat around then. He said he heard his dad tell his mom to tell him not to come. Howard did his impression of his parents having that talk. He said they shoe him away like a bee. Richard said they chose dinner over him. Howard said that's right. Howard said they didn't know if he was coming over to tell them he has a week to live or something.
Howard said he won't get his parents Sirius. He said he won't even bring it up. He said he wishes his family didn't have it. He said he gave management a list of people he wants to block from having it. Richard said he has told his family to not question it if he does something crazy on the show. Howard said he knows Richard's dad was wondering what he was up to with Sal all the time. Richard said he knows the guy he used to bathe with so he knows he's been doing stuff like that for a long time.
Howard said that Richard's dad is worried a snake might eat the unhatched eggs. Howard played more of that call with Richard and his dad. Richard's dad said that they saw a black snake and they know that they're out there. He said the snake probably spent the winter in the well and that's where he's been hanging out. Robin said this reminds her of a phony phone call Richard has made. She said he'd get a woman on the phone and keep asking her how she's doing. Richard said he and his dad once got a flat tire and they had to walk to a house to ask to use the phone and there were women talking on the line and just asking each other how they were doing.
Howard said his father doesn't want to talk to anyone. He said when he does talk he just gets angry. He said if he did talk to Richard's dad his dad would ask what's wrong with him. Howard said he'd ask who would want to talk about that stuff. Howard said his dad never talked about being in the army and he would ask why anyone would talk about that. He said his dad would yell at him to shut up and shorten his story if he talked too long. Richard said he has to carve out time to talk because they talk for hours.
Richard said he's sorry if he keeps talking to Howard out there. He said he doesn't do it every day. Howard said he does it a lot. He said he isn't even in the room with him and he's still talking to him. Richard said he feels like he's being rude if he doesn't keep talking. Howard said if he's not in the room then he doesn't have to talk anymore. Howard said he has to yell back at him if he keeps talking.
Howard played another clip where Richard's dad talks about the eggs and snakes getting them. Howard asked Richard why he doesn't know this stuff. Richard said when he lived at home he did some farm work but he wanted to be a drummer so bad. Howard said he must have talked about this stuff at home though. He said his dad is a farmer. He said he must have talked about work. He said his own dad would yell at him to shut up if he asked about his work. He said his dad worked with some cool guys and he would tell him to shut up if he asked about the work. Howard said his dad hated the record label he started called Ping Pong Records. He said he'd ask about that and his dad would yell at him to shut up. He thought it was cool but his dad didn't want to talk about it.
Howard said his dad claims he had Billy Joel signed but the partner didn't hold on to him. He said the label didn't go anywhere. He said his dad knew it wasn't going to work. He said that his partner was a really talented guy. He said if he brought up his name his dad would yell at him to shut up.
Howard said he just wanted to relate to his dad and it was so hard. He said if Richard brought up that stuff his father would talk. Howard said his dad wouldn't talk. Howard said his dad would yell at him to shut up and sit quietly so he could learn something. Howard said it was a nightmare. Howard said if you watched a show with his dad it was alright. He said his dad would speak during the show but he wasn't allowed to say anything. He said his dad was fucking miserable.
Howard said he got into radio so he'd have someone to listen to him. He said his dad worshiped radio. He said his dad was impressed with Vincent Gardenia. He worked with him and he'd ask about that and his dad would yell at him to shut up.
Howard said he remembers his parents going to see a play that Vincent was in and his dad went to visit him and Vincent didn't know who his dad was. He said he was in the Death Wish movies. Howard said his dad would talk about Raymond Burr and what a faggela he was. He said he'd tell stories about him dancing around the studio. He said his parents weren't homophobic but they just used that word. He said it's just the way they talked.
Howard said his mother broke the news to him that Liberace was a faggela too. Howard said he'll be in his final resting place soon so all of this nightmare will be over.
Howard said he likes hearing Richard and his dad talk. Robin said it sounds like whenever Howard tried to talk to his dad all he did was scream. Howard said he grew up in a black neighborhood and he was like a scared white boy. Howard said he had kids beating the shit out of him and his dad didn't care. Richard said his dad would help him catch snakes and stuff. Howard said white people didn't like him when he moved to a white neighborhood. Howard said no one but his friend Lou liked him. He said Lou was a friend. He said he had a couple of guys who liked him. Richard asked if he talks to Lou a lot. Howard said they don't talk a lot but they'll be friends forever. He said they email like once a year. He said he'll always consider Lou a friend.
Howard played more of the snake discussion with Richard and his dad. Richard's dad talked about sticking his hand in dog food one time and a possum bit him. He said he has a lid on that dog food now. Howard said this is a longer conversation than all of the conversations he had with his dad in his whole life. Howard said if they did interact it was very short. Howard said his dad would ask him what he learned from the newspaper and things like that. He said he'd quiz him like a school teacher. He said he doesn't talk about anything personal. Richard said he talks about current events too.
Howard said in this clip they talk about baseball. Howard played that and Richard asked his dad what he thinks about the Royals this year. Richard's dad said they'll probably break his heart again this year. Howard said what's nice is that they actually listen to what the other person is saying and wait for them to finish answering. Howard let the clip play and Richard and his dad wrapped up their conversation and said goodbye. Howard said this is how he imagines a call going. He said they talk about baseball and all of that. Howard said his dad took him to a game once and it was a horrible experience. Howard said his dad had the score card to fill out and he wondered why he was doing it. Howard said he'd never talk. He said he'd ask what he was doing and his dad would yell at him to get his own score card. He wouldn't do anything with it because he didn't know what to do. He never taught him. He said he was supposed to know how to fold the newspaper too like it was something in his blood. Howard said he'd have a belly ache from the game and it was just a disaster. Howard said it wasn't fun. He said everything was horrible.
Howard said he's trying to have fun now but he can't do it. He said he sees the negative in everything. Richard said he'll go to a game with him. Howard said he's not going to do that. He said his fun is fucking a woman. He said that's fun.
Howard said he had the guys speed up Richard and his dad talking to double speed and it was still slow. Howard played a clip where they were talking at a normal pace. Howard said it's boring at any speed. Robin said their conversation is really just a half hour long. Howard said this explains why Meth is so popular out there. He said that no one is in a rush. He said then they slowed it down and it's even funnier. Howard played that clip and it was really slow. Everyone was laughing at the clip.
Howard said he'd rather watch them than Ryan Seacrest on the Kelly Ripa show. Richard said he has a list of people who have lost fingers to different things that bit them. He said he had a bus driver that was noodling and he got his finger bitten off by a snapping turtle. Howard said city people don't know from that shit. Richard said he knew that guy for like 10 years before he heard that story. Howard said he was food for an animal. He said that's trauma for some people. Richard said his dad would get stung by a catfish and he'd have to go to the hospital and it was no big deal for him. He said those stingers are poisonous so he'd just let it bleed.
Richard said he had a teacher who was bitten by a rattle snake twice and they just tied him down to the bed to let the poison work its way through.
Richard said he would be out in the woods and see a bobcat. He said he was afraid that it was going to get him. Howard said it must have been crazy when he moved to New York and everyone was moving fast. Richard said he lived in Florida for a while so he worked his way into it.
Howard took a call from Chad in St. Louis who said he feels like he hates Richard deep down. Howard said these people are assholes. He said that he doesn't hate Richard. He said he got a lot of email about that yesterday. He said he's around Richard all the time and people are such assholes. Chad said he seems envious of Richard. Howard said he's not envious at all but he loves Richard. Richard said he loves him too. Howard said he loves all of the guys there. Howard said don't be so analytical about him. Robin said he's just giving Richard advice. Howard told Chad he's just an asshole. He hung up on him. He said Chad doesn't know anything about his relationship with Richard.
Howard said these guys put his guys in movies as a promotional thing. He said it's a manipulation. Richard said he's friends with James Gunn. Howard said he's a fan of the show. Howard said they chose him for the role because they knew he'd talk about it. Howard said these guys are so thick. Howard said on Twitter they were talking about James Gunn talking to Paul Feig about putting different guys from the show in their movies. Howard said it's a goof on these guys. He said he believes in these guys but they're being goofed on. Richard said he doesn't mind it. Howard said he has to explain everything to them.
Howard said Benjy just did another Sharknado but he doesn't get it. He said that it's not doing anything for him. Howard said he bets Benjy shows up on time for that gig. Howard said Richard is 10 times better than the 5 second role in that movie. Howard said Richard is better than that. He said this is fun working with him. Richard said it is. Howard said he's not goofing on him. He said he's giving him a salary and a life. Howard said James Gunn isn't employing him. He said he can make him a puppet like he did with Bradley Cooper. Richard said he is busy there so he doesn't have a lot of time. Howard said he doesn't have a 401K with that guy. Howard said his best friend is Jim Meyer because he employs him. He said that guy gives him a 401K.
Howard said Richard can have fun but just know what's going on there. Richard said he's a fan of the movie and he loves James. He said he's awesome. Howard said go have a baby and get in movies. Howard said the directors are doing it for the amusement. Howard said it's like Pesci in Goodfellas asking if he amuses them. Howard said that's Richard. He said the two directors got together taking about Richard and JD. He said they're going to put JD in the new ''It'' movie. Howard said they do that as a goof. Howard let Richard go after that. Richard thanked him for the nice words about his dad. Howard said he loves Richard and his dad. Robin said maybe he was a good son. She said maybe Howard wasn't a good son.
Howard said that these directors put his guys in movies as a goof. He said it's that way with Gary too. He said even with Ronnie. He said he's a movie star too. He said they put him in the end with the credits. Howard said he believes in them and pays them. He said Gary pops up in the new Adam Sandler movie but he's in it for like 5 seconds.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that segment was great. He said when he slowed down the voices he had to pull over from laughing so hard. Howard said he has more. The caller said he's not sure what he's going to do when he retires. Howard thanked him for that and played more of the slowed down conversation between Richard and his dad. Howard said he could listen to that all day.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he spent 20 minutes how his dad treated him but then he spent 10 minutes ragging on Richard. Howard said what comes around goes around. Howard let him go and did a live commercial read. They went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he seemed very upset yesterday and he wonders what was going on. Howard said he'll talk about it some day. Howard said he was angry yesterday and he can't always control it. The caller said that he had the Seacrest thing that was irking him. Howard said it doesn't irk him. He said he was directing that stuff. He said he has had Ryan on the show and he's a nice guy. He said he just likes to talk about it. Howard said he had some shit going on in his life and he was angry about it. Howard said that's it. The caller said he hopes it works out. Howard said it better work out.
Howard said Robin went through hell in her life and she stayed in a good mood. Robin said that's because it's a character she's playing. Howard said you're on the wrong show if you want someone cheery. He said Ryan Seacrest has lists and that's that. Howard said a lot of times he's in a shitty mood. Howard said sometimes it comes out on the air. Robin said you have to leave that stuff at the door an just do your job.
Howard took a call from Tommy from Malden who said he thought it was ironic that Obama won the Profiles in Courage Award. He said Letterman was there. Tommy said he has a beard like Chris Stapleton. Howard said he knows Tommy is a conservative. Howard said Trump brings his whole family to work with him. He said he sure loves having that family around. Robin said the only jobs he's creating are for his kids. Robin said whenever he comes up with something to do he has his son in law Jared do them.
Howard said that kid Jared had a perfect life. He said he was fucking Ivanka and he was on his way to being a billionaire. He said next thing he knows he's going to end up in jail with the Russia thing. Tommy said there's nothing to that and he won't end up in jail. Howard said trump really loves his kids.
Howard took a call from David Letterman clips. The guys had Evil Dave talking about Colbert and how he should be fired. They had Evil Dave clips talking about who he likes in late night. He likes Samantha Bee. Howard said he loves Dave for putting him on his show. He said he got upset about the new biography because they say he abused his staff. They spent a few minutes with the prerecorded Evil Dave bit.
Howard let Dave go and said it was nice to hear from him. He said if they can't have the real Dave at least they have him. Howard said he has to take a break. He did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Jason came in and said his doctor had the serious talk with him. He said that was the no fucking around talk. Howard said even if you take good care of yourself you have to be careful. Jason said that he's at 300 pounds and he was told this was the last warning kind of thing. The caller said he thinks he's more like 350. Jason said he's on the radio taking about how he weighs 300 pounds and his doctor is talking about getting his stomach stapled.
Jason said he's on diet pills and it's something like Quizma or something. Howard asked why he doesn't trust his own will power. Jason said he's pissed at himself. Howard asked what his weakness is. Jason said if he gets a little hungry he eats the shittiest food. He said the medication is to get rid of that. Jason said he eats shitty food and he's not blaming anyone. Howard said he's had the conversation like 900 times. Jason said he just started the high dose yesterday for the medication.
Howard let Jason go and read some email. He had some feedback about Gary going to Saturday Night Live and getting yelled at by a page. Howard read an email about how Gary doesn't think rules apply to him. He just used his phone even though they said no cell phones at Saturday Night Live. They played a Saturday Night Live intro where they were asking Gary to put his phone away.
Howard said that someone told Gary to get plastic spoons for his peanut butter spoon so he can throw them away. Howard read an email about the fake crab meat that Gary eats and also some email about his yelling at Richard about his part in Guardians of the Galaxy.
Howard said some people liked his bad mood for goofing on Gary but then they went off on him for yelling at Richard. Howard said it's confusing.
Howard got some email about his shitting and how he should get a full elimination. Howard said he has enough fiber. He said a lot of people loved High Pitch Erik too. He said they love his love for Donnie Wahlberg. Howard said people liked that they talked about Ryan Seacrest's lists. Howard said someone said to him that he's singing the Name Game at work. Howard said they also loved his bit about being shot out of a cannon after drinking coffee.
Howard took a call from High Register Sean who said he'd like to be called Seany. Howard said Sean called in the first time and he thought he'd be in the Wack Pack. Howard said he came in and he spoke fine. Howard said he didn't have the weird voice. Howard said it turned out that when he drinks he speaks normally. He said he ended up throwing him right out. Sean was stuttering and trying to say something but Howard didn't understand what he was saying.
Howard said that he called in back in 2008 but he lost interest in him when he came in there. Howard asked Sean what he wanted to say. Sean asked how he lives with himself. Howard said it's not easy. He said he has a hard time with it. He said that's why he's in the psychiatrists office. Sean said he's on to his plot and he's there to expose it. He said that it's systemic murder of the Wack Pack. Howard asked what he's talking about. Sean said he's at the end of his final contract and the Wack Pack are dropping like flies.
Shuli came in and told Howard that he's a big conspiracy guy. Shuli said he loses his stutter when he sings or drinks. Shuli said he thinks that Howard is having the Wack Pack murdered. Howard asked Sean to sing his accusations instead. Sean did that. He sang asking how Howard can live with himself. He didn't stutter. Howard said Mel Tillis was like that too. He had a bad stutter and when he'd sing he wouldn't stutter.
Howard asked why he's killing off the Wack Pack. Shuli said Sean thinks that's so no one else can have them. Sean said Howard is so protective of his jokes and bits. Howard said this is boring. He asked if Sean is getting any pussy. Shuli said he's married with kids. He said he was doing stand up and clubs were paying him to do his thing. He said he was busting his ass and then he got a letter from some fan pranking him telling him to stop doing stand up. He thought it was real and he stopped. Sean said he can't afford a court case. Howard said he has a friend who got an email saying her computer was very hackable and they asked for her password so they could fix it. She gave them the password. Howard said that you'd think Sean would check it out to make sure it was real. Sean said a friend said it was legitimate. Howard asked what kind of attorney he showed it to. Sean said he thinks he does farm stuff. Howard laughed.
Howard said that Sean is a doomsday prepper too. He also believes in Sasquatch. Sean said he does. He also believes in some super soldier the military created. It's half man half dog. Sean said that they do exist. Howard said that his attorney is on the phone. He took a call from one of the guys in the back who was stuttering like Sean.
Howard said Mediated Pete is trying stand up now. Sean and Shuli said Sean is actually good. Sean tried doing some material for Howard. It didn't work over the phone. Shuli said it works visually. Howard said he has some Medicated Pete clips. Howard said he thought it was funny. Howard played a clip of Shuli talking to Pete about his stand up career. Pete said he's just going to go out there and wing it. Howard had some of Pete trying to wing it. Pete said he was just doing his thing and that's that. He tried doing more material but he didn't have anything. Howard said Sean should go out on tour with Pete. Sean said that might work.
Howard said he has to go. He said he has to get to Chris. Howard told him to call back next week or something. Sean said that's only if he lives. Howard said he's not Wack Pack. Sean said he knows that. He said he doesn't want to die. Howard said he has to go.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's a big fan of Chris Stapleton. Howard said he's going to take a break and get him in there. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard came back and said that Chris Stapleton is there. He said he digs his whole look. Chris thanked him for that. Howard said he's been a fan since he saw him on Saturday Night Live. Howard said he hadn't seen him before. Howard said Chris didn't look at the camera once. He said he thought ''Fuck Simon Cowell'' when he saw that. Howard said he doesn't want his rock stars looking in the camera. Chris said he's just trying to play the music. He said that's his job first. He said that's his theory. He said it might not work for Simon Cowell. Howard said he roots for a guy like Chris. He said he grew up in a shithole. Chris said it wasn't that bad. He said it was a fairly depressed place but it wasn't that bad. Howard asked where that was. Chris said it was in Kentucky.
Howard said when he hears the song he's going to perform today he breaks down. Howard said it makes him want to cry. Howard said he might be at his best when he does those songs like that. Howard asked if he thinks that's from his dad. Chris said his dad died at 66 and he does miss him. He said he had complications from diabetes. He said both of his parents were coal miners. Howard said his dad never got to see his great solo success. Howard said he broke big when he had his album Traveller. Chris said his dad gave that to him. He said him passing away flipped a switch for him and that made him write an album that he thought he'd like.
Howard said when he wrote ''Daddy Doesn't Pray Anymore'' that was about his dad praying at dinner and then one day he didn't say grace. Chris said that it did strike him as odd. He said he wasn't sure what it was. He said it was just one meal that he didn't do it at. He said that's where the title of the song came from. He said he wrote it and it was kind of a fictitious thing and then his dad passed and it became real to him. He said it was like art imitating life and then back again. Howard said that song makes him feel something.
Howard said he thinks Chris is doing rock in the way that Springsteen and those guys are doing. Chris said he appreciates that. He said he feels the same thing. He said he just thinks he's making music he'd want to hear. Howard played Chris' song ''Daddy Doesn't Pray Anymore.'' Howard said that fucks him up and he's not even sure what he's singing about. Chris said at the end of the song you find out he's not praying because he's dead.
Howard said he heard he wrote that song in 10 minutes. Howard said his wife is a song writer too. Chris said she is. Howard said they must pinch themselves every day. Chris said it is very weird. He said that it's been the past couple of years that's been really weird. Howard asked how last night's Fallon was. Chris said they had some fun there. He said they did a bit and included him in it. He said that they did a ZZ Top song bit that he thought was pretty funny.
Howard said he likes the whole beard look. He asked if he puts any thought into that. Chris said he'd just say it's from being lazy. Howard said Letterman has that big beard now too. Howard said when Letterman was on his last couple of weeks he had Chris on. Howard said he must be a fan too. Chris said it was an honor to be on the show and be part of the history of that show. Howard said he thinks maybe he'd look better with a beard. Howard said it also kind of covers you up like a security blanket. Chris said if it was gone he'd miss it. Howard said he must have to wash it and shampoo it like his hair. Chris said he doesn't put a lot of thought into that. He just washes it like he washes his face. Howard said people in New York Probably think he's hassidim. Chris said he doesn't know.
Howard said Chris was the Valedictorian of his high school. Howard said his grade point average was higher than anyone's. Chris said there may have been a few that were the same. Howard asked if he went to a good college. Chris said he went to a couple for a short time but it just wasn't for him. Howard said his parents must have wanted him to go to college. Chris said his family was educated so he wasn't going to be the first one or anything. He said he's the one who doesn't have a college degree. Howard asked if they thought going into music was loser-ish. Chris said his family supported him in whatever he wanted to do. He said they just wanted him to be able to eat.
Howard asked Chris about writing songs when he started out and how prolific he was at it. Chris said that he didn't think of it as work. Howard asked how it does work. He asked if he was thinking of being a performer. Chris said he didn't know that writing songs was a job. He said he thought that everyone who sang a song was making it up. He said he had to find out how to do that job. He said he got a job in Nashville and moved there to write. Howard said he got a publishing deal and started writing songs for other people. Chris said he really worked hard at it and he wrote maybe 3 or 4 a day. Howard asked if he was good at it right away. Chris said probably not.
Robin asked if he studied music in high school. Chris said he didn't. He said he took guitar lessons but the guy didn't last long. Howard asked who the influence was. Chris said his dad was a music lover and his mom was a very good singer like Julie Andrews. Howard asked what he was listening to himself. Chris said he was listening to R&B and Willie Nelson kind of country. He said when you're a kid you can figure that stuff out. He said that his uncle played guitar and they'd show him things.
Howard said he can't play guitar. He said he can play a little bit but some people just pick it up and start playing. Chris said he wasn't obsessed with it but his mom said he would play for 12 hours a day if he could. Howard said Chris has some voice on him too. He said people in his town must have wanted to hear him sing. Chris said he could always sing but until he hated college that's when he got excited about it.
Howard said Chris is a terrific front man but he was satisfied writing songs for other people. Howard said he must get jealous when someone like Adele takes his song and has a big hit. He asked if he wants that recognition. Chris said that he likes just having the song out there. Howard said that's great. He said that he got a charge out of getting to do stuff that he thought up. Chris said that some people are built differently. Howard said Chris is a good guy. He said that's the difference.
Howard said Chris was told he could sing the phone book and he did that as an audition. Chris said that was with Capitol but he works with that guy now.
Howard said Chris started the Steel Drivers and he did a song that Adele heard and she recorded it. Chris said that's the way he heard it too. Howard asked if she asked to record it for her album. Chris said he thinks she did a YouTube video first. He said that they ended up putting it on her album. He didn't know who she was when he heard about it. Howard played Adele's version of ''If It Hadn't Been for Love.'' Howard said she's in a different key. Howard asked if Chris is happy with her version. Chris said he is. He said he loves her.
Howard asked if Chris likes to hear his other songs out there when they interpret them their own ways. Chris said that's part of the fun of it. Howard said people fight over his songs. He said it's mind blowing to him. Howard said that's amazing to him.
Howard said Chris' album Traveller came out and he did something on an awards show with Justin Timberlake. Howard asked if that's when it exploded for him. Chris said they were going pretty good before that. He said then that night in November he won some awards and they had that performance. Chris said he knew Justin a little bit and they had talked about doing something together. He asked Justin if he would do this thing and he was willing to do it. Howard said some people wondered what he was doing performing with Justin Timberlake because he's not a country artist. Chris said some people might have scoffed at it but Justin is one of the most talented guys and if you get a chance to perform with him then you do it.
Howard asked Chris if he feels like he's competing against Justin in that. Chris said it's not really a competition. He said it might make you bring you A-game though.
Howard said he heard he met Justin because his wife hired him to perform at his birthday party. Chris said that is a true story. Howard said he played at his party and then a week later he's winning awards. Howard said it's such a fluke thing. Robin asked what he got paid to play that party. Chris said that it was a small party and it was a curiosity thing. He said it was Jessica Biel who called him to set it up. He said he knew she was going to call because they had a mutual friend who gave her his number. Howard asked if he's insulted by that when they ask him to play a party like that. Chris said he's played other birthday parties that weren't that kind of party. He said it was more like just come out and play a bit and hang out. He said they paid for the trip and it was all first class and all of that. Howard asked if he was treated like a guest. Chris said he was. He said it was more of a hang than a gig.
Howard asked if he got nervous going to the party. Chris said he didn't. He said he doesn't get nervous that much. He said he did get nervous on Letterman and he's a little nervous now. Howard asked why he's nervous now. Chris said it might be because he's not used to talking about himself. Howard said he knows it's just that he's never met a Jew before. Chris laughed.
Howard asked why he was nervous with Letterman. Chris said it was the last month of his show and it was an odd feeling for him. Howard said he knows what that's like because he was asked on the last week of shows for Letterman. He said it's a lot of pressure.
Howard asked Chris what he does to take care of his voice. Chris said he kind of monitors his number of gigs and stuff like that. He said he knows when he has to take a break. He said it's a difficult thing to know.
Howard asked about the Justin Timberlake party and what kind of people were there. Chris said it was a family and friends kind of thing. He said they were in a room about the size of Howard's studio. He said it was very intimate. He said that he doesn't want to talk too much about his personal stuff. He said it was a very private thing.
Robin asked when he knew to perform. Chris said they just asked him to play some songs and he just did it. He said he may have played half a dozen songs or so. Howard asked what his favorite songs are to perform. Chris said he likes ''Tennessee Whiskey'' but that would vary. He said ''Georgia on My Mind'' is another one. Howard said he must blow people away if he goes to a Karaoke bar. Chris said he has fun doing it.
Howard asked Chris who the genius was who told him he should perform his own songs. Chris said there's a guy who asked him for years when he wanted to make his own record. He said they were hanging out and they got to the end of lunch and he asked him to come over and make a record for this record company. He said he had to go talk to his wife about it and he told her about it. Chris said that he talked about it with his wife and then with this guy Brian. He said that was the beginning of all of this.
Howard played a clip of Chris singing with Justin Timberlake. Howard said Justin is like the woman in that. Chris said not at all. He said he has that nice falsetto.
Howard asked Chris if he gets upset about people messing with his songs. Chris said early on maybe he did. Howard said Tim McGraw covered one of his songs and he didn't like wheat he did with it. Howard played Chris' version of a song and then Tim McGraw's version which was all souped up with bullshit. Howard asked Chris if he likes that version. Chris said that's Tim doing his own thing with it and he's fine with it. Howard said he liked it all stripped down like Chris did it. Howard said Tim can sing but he added a lot of instrumentation that wasn't necessary. Chris said that's producers doing that. He said that's just Tim's thing. Howard asked if they ever ask his opinion. Chris said not really. He said that he's not producing the records so it's not his place.
Howard said Chris and Adele and one other person had the most records sold that year that Traveller came out. Howard said people actually bought albums. He said it must have been a pinch myself moment. Chris said it was. He said he didn't think about it too much. Chris said sometimes that stuff is luck. He said doing the work helps but sometimes the stars just have to line up.
Howard said country fans are hard core. He said they want involvement with the country stars. Chris said that they are a little bit more accessible to the fans. Howard asked if he has to open up his house to the fans like Conway Twitty. Chris said it's not like that.
Howard asked Chris if he has merchandise and stuff. Chris said they do sell hats and t-shirts. Howard asked if he feels he has to sell as many CDs and albums as he did with the last one with this new album. Chris said he didn't have any expectations with the last one so he doesn't with this one. Chris said that he put that record out and his only request was to put a record out and have something for the people to take home. He said if he had only sold 50,000 he would have felt it was a huge success. Chris said that he just wants something for people to take home from his shows.
Howard said the new album is called From A Room: Volume 1 and it's named that because he recorded it in the A room studio. That's in Nashville. Howard said that Dave Grohl did a whole movie about going to certain studios and recording with different sound boards. Chris said that rooms do have a certain sound. Howard said he put out an album but he recorded it in the A-hole room. Chris laughed.
Howard said that the new album has a song called ''Broken Halos'' on it. He asked if he has been using the same guitar for a long time. Chris said he has a lot of guitars but this one is a Gibson from the 50s with a new neck on it. Howard asked if he feels he has to keep that guitar and never give it up. Chris said it feels like putting on your favorite shirt or something. Howard asked if he has a special guy who handles it. Chris said he does have a special guy. He said his name is Alex. He said he has no reservations about handing him an instrument.
Howard asked Chris if he's religious. Chris said he grew up in church and sang there. He said he's not sure if he'd be called religious. Howard asked Chris about smoking weed. Chris said he'll smoke if it's around. He said he drinks a little just to take the edge off. He said he's not a big drinker. Howard asked if he ever gets high to write songs. Chris said it's been attempted but it's not a good thing. He said it opens things up for some people.
Howard said Chris has written hundreds of songs. He asked if he writes in an office at a specific time. Chris said that was his job for years. He said he would go to an office 5 days a week and write songs. That was in Nashville. Howard asked if there was another dude there. Chris said there was.
Howard asked Chris how he'd write a song with him. He said he likes to cum inside a woman without a rubber so where do you start. Chris laughed. Robin said he has such depth to his lyrics. Howard asked if he writes stuff down. Chris said he keeps stuff on his phone. He said he might have a phrase that he'll write down. Robin asked where Broken Halos came from. Chris said that was written maybe 10 years ago. Chris said he had a lot of songs from over the years. Howard asked if they have a riff when they come up with the Broken Halos song. Chris said the other guy was reading the Keith Richards biography and Keith had lost a lot of friends and he referred to them as ''broken halos'' and that's where the song came from.
Howard said when he heard the song Broken Halos he almost cried. He said he said he would never cry on the air so don't sing this too good. Chris said he'll try not to. Howard asked if he will cradle him if he does cry. Chris said absolutely. Howard gave him a plug for the album and said you can find tour dates on ChrisStapleton.com
Howard asked if he's touring with Tom Petty. Chris said he is. Howard said he saw Tom play at a friend's house up close in a room about the size of the studio. Howard said that was great. Chris said he'd like to do that. Howard asked who he has gotten to meet that he liked meeting. Chris said he met Axl Rose once. He said that was pretty interesting. Howard asked if he can hang with those guys and have some drinks and stuff. Chris said with some he can. He said he has hung out with some. He said sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. He said people are busy working. He said the hang time is for hanging at the house.
Howard said Chris is going to perform the song ''Broken Halos'' for them now. Howard said he'll sit there like a shlub. Chris went right into the song.
After the song Howard said that's a beautiful song. He said he's having a birthday and he wants him to perform. Chris said he'll have like 300 cats there. Howard said that's such a beautiful song. He said it's a gift he has. Robin said he's so business like with it all. Howard said that's a wonderful song. Chris said he wrote that one at night. He said he has a different process with Mike. He said they may or may not have a cocktail or two and then write a song. Howard asked if he wrote that one loaded. Chris said maybe he did. Howard asked if he gets sad when he's loaded. Chris said not when he's writing songs. Robin asked if he thinks of the song as being sad. Chris said he just finds that song peaceful.
Howard asked if any of the jerkoffs out there have tried to get him to change his look. Chris said not really. He said he's pretty stubborn. Howard said he was wearing a trench coat or something on Saturday Night Live and he thought he was bad ass. Howard asked if he has ever kicked anyone's ass. Chris said he tires not to get into fights. He said he has had some. He said he can't beat anyone's ass. He said he doesn't want to get into that with anyone. Howard asked if his tours with his wife. Chris said he does. He said that it would be hard without her. Howard said he'd be tempted by other chicks and stuff. Chris said he's not that hard core.
Howard said this was fun. Chris thanked him for having him. Howard said he knows it's early for musicians. Chris said he has young kids so he's used to it. He said they're 8 and 6. Robin asked if they're into music. Chris said they like to dance and get into music. Chris said he just wants them to be happy and healthy.
Howard asked if it's great for the kids to see him being worshiped. Chris said he hopes they can deal with it like it's not a bad thing. Howard asked how they stay humble. Chris said they have a nice house. Howard asked how big it is. Chris said it's like 3,800 square feet. Howard said he has a toilet that photos water up his ass. Chris said he has that too. He said he had one in a hotel. Howard said it's great when it blow dries your ass. Chris said he can't believe they're talking about this toilet. Howard asked how many he has. Howard said he has 3. Chris said he has 2. Howard said it's great. He said you shoot water up your ass and blow dry it. Chris said the kids don't have it so they have to earn their own Toto toilet.
Howard asked if he has a pool. Chris said not now. He said maybe eventually. He said he's never had one. Howard asked if he has a screening room. Chris said not really. He said he has a TV room. Howard said he's the man. He gave him some plugs for his album From a Room: Volume 1 and for ChrisStapleton.com. Howard asked about the merch he sells and if he has socks and stuff. He has socks. Howard asked if he has a casket like KISS. Chris said they do not. He said that KISS merch is at another level.
Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later. As they went to break they played a phony phone call the guys made to a woman using clips of Howard singing The Name Game.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who asked if Gary is too busy texting during Saturday Night Live because Richard Simmons is suing one of the tabloids and an associate who threw him under the bus and allegedly blackmailed him. Howard said he is still in hiding though. Howard said it said in the paper that Richard is saying that they wrote disparaging things about him but the National Enquirer is sticking by their story. Howard said maybe he's a recluse now and he doesn't want to be seen in a certain way. Mariann said she thinks that Gary should get him on the show. Gary said they've reached out a thousand times and he isn't talking to anyone. Gary said they have tried. Mariann was talking over everyone so Howard hung up on her. Gary said she's too much some days. Gary said he's talking to no one. Howard played a Mariann from Brooklyn bit where they had her giving a master class in yelling.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he touched on Chris going so long unnoticed. He said it's amazing that he went that long without being noticed or exposed. Howard said he thinks about that and how many artists go unnoticed like that. Robin said sometimes they have to die before they're discovered. Howard said he didn't know Chris until he was on Saturday Night Live. Howard said maybe Chris would say that he needed time to percolate though. He said maybe it took time but maybe he needed that. Howard said he thinks about his own career. He said he needed years to practice before he was relaxed enough to do a show that people would listen to. Howard said maybe Chris needed that time. Robin said it's also the industry who grab people who look like something. Howard said talk about what an idiot Simon is. Robin said he is a fucking idiot.
The caller said they have all of this American Idol stuff and then they have this guy. He said he's not a country music fan really but this guy is good. Howard said he's not a typical country artist. Howard said if it was 20 years ago he thinks he'd be a rock act. Howard said he's fortunate he's liked by that group because they're the only ones buying albums. The caller said you have to see him perform live if you can. He said everything he sings is just as good live as it is on radio.
Howard let the caller go and said Chris is a big talent. He said Gary was telling him that Chris was nervous to come in there. He said he's not carried away with himself. Howard said it is true that many artists don't write their own songs. He said there's something special when someone writes and performs their own song. Robin said it takes on the meaning of the song. Robin said it was perfect to play that Tim McGraw cover and then the original. It was much more heartfelt when the original was on.
Howard asked what Robin thinks of that defense. He said he knows Robin had a boyfriend who had a big cock. Howard asked if she ever felt like she was going to choke. Robin said the woman is in greater control at that moment. Robin said the picture that came up was that he was over her and she's lying on her back and he can't tell what's going on. Howard said Robin had sex with a guy with a 10 inch penis. Robin said she had this little guy in Baltimore who was big. Robin said they didn't measure. She said she did blow that guy and you can only take in so much. Howard said a guy with 5 inches can go in balls deep. Howard asked if she's ever had it balls deep. Robin said there have been moments. Howard said it's sweet what Robin has done. Howard said some women act like they're doing you a favor. Robin said it's all about just having fun. Howard said Robin opened his mind up years ago. She said that he had sexy furniture and she'd have sex all over the place in there. Howard said that opened his mind. Howard said even going the balls deep thing is wild. Howard said she must not have had all 10 inches. Robin said you see one that big and you wonder where that's supposed to go. Howard said he can't imagine. He said when it's big you must wonder where it's going. Robin said you have to say something to them when it's that big. Robin said you have to slow down and let her get used to it.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she was hanging out one night and she felt this guy's area and he was enormous. She said she thought that he was too big so she called a friend to get her out of it. She was petrified. She said when she felt it she felt like her fingers weren't even touching. She said it was enormous. She said there's no way that's enjoyable. Howard let her go a short time later.
Robin read a story about Antonio Sabato Jr. running for congress. Howard said he watched his dating show. Howard said if you watched that show you'd never vote for him. Howard said Al Franken is a good senator. He said he believes in the candidate who has some background in political thought. Howard said he's a big fan of lawyers too. He said they understand law making and reading laws. Howard said there are a lot of people who have no idea what they're doing right now.
Howard said Hillary Clinton lost her case because she didn't make her case clear. Robin said she could have had that if she had talked about how she has spent years studying this stuff. Howard said she passed laws, she has been the secretary of state and she had a game plan. Howard said she should have bragged about her experience. Robin read more about Antonio and his run for congress. Howard said he was on General hospital.
Robin read a story about a study that was done with veterans who have had brain injuries and how that can lead to religious fundamentalism. Howard asked if they're saying that the religious nuts are brain damaged. Robin said that's what he got out of it.
Robin read a story about the Ryan Seacrest and Kelly Ripa show having a good first week. She had some details about that.
Robin read a story about how Obama was paid $400,000 for a speech recently. Howard said that they get huge speaking fees. He said it started with Reagan. Howard said they all do it. Robin asked what a former president is supposed to do. Robin said they have to make a living. Howard said he doesn't like it when anyone does it. He said they all do it though. Howard said Trump is doing it now and making what he can. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how swearing before lifting weights may help you lift. Robin read some details about that.
Robin read a story about a mother who kept her daughter in a wheelchair her whole life even though the girl could walk. Robin said the mother accepted charitable donations and used them even though there wasn't anything wrong wish the girl. Robin said one day the daughter got involved with someone on the internet and the daughter and this guy plotted to kill the mother. Robin said the mother was killed and now the daughter is serving a 10 year sentence. Robin said the guy who helped with the crime is facing life in prison if he's convicted.
Robin read a story about Robert Blake who is ready to get married again. He's 83 and the woman is 55. Howard said that's amazing. Robin said some people think he killed the last one. Howard said he was found innocent. Robin said they just think he did it. Howard said he'd like to interview the woman who wants to marry Robert Blake. Howard said he's irresistible to women.
Robin read about the hearings going on about Michael Flynn. Robin said that Sally Yates was interviewed and she claims she warned the White House that Flynn could be blackmailed by the Russians. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Robin said the President was saying that Yates was saying nothing new. He's hoping that the investigations will go away now.
Robin said that Jimmy Kimmel came out about the health care issue after his son was born with a heart problem. Robin said there was a backlash after that. Howard said it actually resonated with people. Howard said he was born with a preexisting condition and some people attacked Jimmy over it. Howard said he was proud of Jimmy for what he did. Robin said Jimmy is responding to his critics and he read some words from Charles Hirsch. Robin had some audio of Jimmy talking about that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read more about Jimmy Kimmel and what he was doing on his show last night.
Robin said there was a hail storm in Colorado yesterday with hail the size of baseballs. Robin said that people had to take cover under an overpass. Robin said a mall had to close because the windows were broken and the mall was flooded.
Robin read a story about how Apple is getting closer to being the first trillion dollar company. Robin said they're already the most valuable company. Robin said their market cap passed 800 billion on Monday. Robin said by the time the day was over they were up by 3 percent. Howard asked what a share sells for. Robin said she's not sure where it is now. Fred said it's at $154 today. Howard said if they had any brains they would have bought it when it was a couple of bucks. Robin said she has some but not at a couple of bucks. Fred said Amazon is at $954 a share.
Robin read a story about Caitlyn Jenner being on with James Corden last night. Robin had some audio of Caitlyn on the show. That led to Howard playing a song parody by a Caitlyn Jenner impersonator. Howard said he has to get her in there to talk about her queefing. Howard said he's heard her telling the same stories on so many shows. Howard did his impression of Caitlyn talking about queefing for the first time.
Robin read a story about Bill Clinton writing a book called ''The President Is Missing.'' Robin had some details about that. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Today's replay show was over around 11:00am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.
Today's show was over around 11:00am.