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Howard is off for Martin Luther King Jr. Day so they're playing old segments today. Here are links to my archives for what they played today:
Today's vacation special was over around 11:30am.
Howard started the show talking about how he had 12 hours of sleep so he is shot out of a cannon today. He said he went to sleep at 6 last night. Howard said he was waiting for a call from Donald Trump. He said he was not available because he was asleep. Howard said he needed his beauty sleep and it was much needed. Robin said he didn't sleep until 6 though. Howard said he set his alarm at 5:30 so lets say it was 11 hours of sleep. He said he felt like he was getting sick but then he went to bed early. He said there was a novel idea. Robin said she's feeling better but she still has a cough. She said that's that residual cough you get. Howard said that's the name of his band, Residual Cough.
Howard played a Mariann from Brooklyn intro for their guest today Chelsea Handler. Robin said she wondered what she was up to because she's been on the DL. Howard said she's been shooting some new show.
Howard said they love Richard's dad when he calls in. He said that they get a taste for life on the farm. Howard played a message Richard's dad left for him about the Kansas City Chiefs. Howard said that they could make some great phony phone calls with that. Howard played a prank call they made to an internet radio show with Richard's dad talking to some Christian radio show host about the Chiefs. The host said he's not into the baseball stuff when he was asked about the Royals. They kept having Richard's dad asking about the Chiefs. The host didn't know what to do. He said he doesn't have a screener so please don't take advantage of him like that. Howard said most of these shows are excited that they get any phone call. He said they must not get many. Howard said if you say you don't have a phone screener most people will take advantage of that. Howard said that's a blessing for guys like them.
Howard said he remembers a guy who had a radio show when he was growing up and he called it radio graffiti. Howard said it was a free for all kind of show. Howard said you could say whatever you wanted and it was the worst shit on the planet. Howard said that it was in the 1960s. Howard said that WMCA was his station and they went up against WABC. Howard said that they had like 5,000 watts and WABC had 50,000. Howard said WMCA eventually went to all talk. Howard said it was one of the lamest things ever. Howard said one of the guys just wrote that Alan Colmes does it on his radio show. Howard said that he must have taken over that franchise.
Howard did an impression of the host taking call after call of people just saying whatever they wanted. Howard said he would never do that because it's boring. Howard said Alan Colmes must have picked that up. Howard did more of his impression of how bad that would sound. Howard said that's pretty lazy radio. He was blurting out all kinds of nonsense.
Howard said it would heat up and it was a blistering bore fest. Howard said little kids would call in. Howard did an impression of that too. Howard said that you can't stop no matter how awful it is. Howard blurted out more and more stuff as he took the radio graffiti calls. Howard said how about ending radio graffiti. Howard said Alan is some talent taking that over.
Howard said he has a clip of Radio Graffiti to play. He said that he's got some staff. Howard said he was going to talk about Gary's dog but he didn't know he'd be talking about this. Howard played the clip of Alan Colmes doing the Radio Graffiti thing. Howard said that poor Alan is doing that. In the clip Alan says that you get one sentence only. Howard said that's the way it works. Howard said he bets Alan does that every day of the week too. He got a note saying that's what he does too.
Howard played more of the clip and Alan takes call after call and lets people just say one thing but then he responds. Howard said that he's actually answering. Robin said he's breaking format. Howard said he has to call into the show. Howard said he'll tell Alan he looks like a lizard. Howard said answering the questions is what ruins it. Howard said he likes the music playing behind it too. Howard said this is the same 5 people who call into his radio show but now they have music behind them.
Howard played more of the Radio Graffiti thing and Alan was cutting people off when they'd bring up something he didn't like. Howard asked how that's Radio Graffiti. He said it sounds like radio dictatorship.
Howard said he's calling into that show. He said he has to be part of that Radio Graffiti. Howard said he wants to find the most vile things to say. Howard told the guys to get him clips of guys cumming and he'll call in with those. Howard said that's the host not doing his job. He said if he was a Program Director he'd get them to do the show the right way. Howard said that they're out of ideas if that's the way they're doing the show. Howard said they can do anything there on SiriusXM. He said they just go on and no one listens to it. Howard said they probably have 1000 shows there that no one has ever heard.
Howard said that they can't be paying any of those other shows. Howard said they get paid because they have a following there.
Howard asked if Chris Rock should drop out of the Oscars. He said he saw Spike Lee and Jada Pinkett Smith talking about how they should do a boycott of the Oscars because of the lack of nominations for black films. Howard asked Robin what she thinks. Howard said he'll boycott. Robin said she will too. Howard said part of him feels like there is a point there. Howard said also with these movies there just wasn't a good one with a black person. Howard said there have been years when a lot of black people were nominated. Robin said it's never ''a lot'' and there are never any Asians or Hispanics nominated. Howard said maybe spike Lee's movie was shitty. He didn't see it. Howard said he doesn't know. He said he thinks that Chris Rock is doing the right thing not dropping out. Robin said she's not sure if he's doing the right or wrong thing.
Howard said he got some screeners for the Oscars. Howard said they tell you to destroy them after watching. Robin said she'll destroy them. Robin said she has only seen one screener at her house. She said she's not going to be watching that one. Gary said he got like 10 from SAG. Robin said it's crazy. She isn't getting them.
Howard said he thinks that the actress who should win is a woman who was in the movie ''Brooklyn'' and her name is Saoirse Ronan. Howard said that this could be the next Merryl Streep. Howard said that the film is a lovely film. He said this young woman comes to this country in the 1800s or so. He said maybe the early 1900s. Howard said that there might be an airplane or something. Someone told him it happened in the 1950s. Howard tried pronouncing her name but kept getting it wrong. Robin said she's been in a few things and she likes her acting. Howard said he's backing her in the Oscars. Howard said she grew her full bush for the movie. Howard said there is no nudity but he has a feeling she did it so she'd feel like she was in the 1950s. Howard said look for Schmegma Ronan.
Robin said she was watching a special about Marlon Brando and it was really good. Robin told Howard about some of the stuff he was saying in the movie. She said she had no idea what he was talking about.
Howard said this guy Frank Bruni wrote an article about Trump calling Howard Stern a loser. Howard said he doest think that has ever happened. He said it's ridiculous that he'd say that. Howard said he's going to do a full investigation and call for a retraction. Howard said that he was taken aback by that.
Howard said Sour Shoes was on a mad tear making calls to them. He said that Sour does a George Takei impression that he didn't know about. Howard played a clip of Sour doing that along with Gary the Conqueror and Gary Dell'Abate in the same call. Howard said he really has that laugh down.
Howard played another clip of Sour doing Little Lupe, Angry Alice, George Takei and Gary Dell'Abate all in the same call. Howard asked if that's great. Robin said she loves how he loves that ''noine'' thing. Howard said he has to say it 9 times too.
Howard said he was on Facebook and he saw that Gary's wife posted a picture of their new dog. Howard said they got a new dog from North Shore Animal League or some place. Howard said that he said to Gary that he saw his new dog. Howard said he's still friends with Mary but not Gary on Facebook. Howard said that it's a cute dog. Howard asked what the mix is. Gary said it's a beagle and a Labrador retriever. Howard asked if he's upset that he saw it. Gary said not at all.
Howard asked if he'll name the dog ''Noine.'' Gary said it still doesn't have a name. Howard said he names all of their cats. Howard said even his daughter said that he had some good names. Howard said he had a Mochi Ball and one was Brooklyn because he was found in Brooklyn. Gary said that's a name that's at the top of their list. Robin asked if that's a crazy thing to name a dog. Gary said he's not going to do it now that he knows Howard has a cat named Brooklyn.
Howard said maybe Gary should name his dog Uniondale. Howard said he has named animals after things in Roosevelt. Howard said then he realizes that he doesn't want to be reminded of that place.
Howard said Scott Weiland used to love David Bowie. Howard said that he used to do a lot of Bowie moves. Howard said with Bowie dying all of these new clips are resurfacing. Howard said that he saw him doing a cover of John Lennon's ''Mother'' that was really good. Howard asked Fred to see if he could find it. Howard said that Bowie was friends with Lennon. Howard said that if he can't find it that's fine. Fred had it a few seconds later.
Howard said that Bowie was the best. Sorry Glenn Frey. Howard said he wishes that Glenn could have waited a week to die. Howard said he wishes that Bowie emailed him like he did with Fallon. Howard said people are very disappointed in his emails though. Howard said that he was in an email loop with a bunch of people but he was dumped after he did a ''Hahaha'' thing.
Howard let the song play and talked about how you can tell that Bowie had a bad relationship with his mother. Howard said that he has a clip from England where a woman announced David Bowie's death. Howard played the clip where she said ''David Cameron'' instead of Bowie.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he heard what Pat Robertson said about Bowie. Howard said he did. He said he said he was taken by rock and roll demons. JD came in and said that was a fake news story. He said that he was mentioned in an article and he was ''expounding'' about Bowie. Howard said that didn't sound right to him. JD said it's right. That led to Howard playing a song parody about JD. They played an Eli Braden song and JD said Eli is one to talk about him being chubby. JD said Eli is chubby too. Howard played another one about JD from Daniel Mendelson.
The caller said he has a couple of songs about Robin too. He told Howard which ones they were and Howard knew them. Howard said that the guy who makes the most about JD is Daniel Mendelson. Howard played another one about JD where Mendelson is mumbling like JD. JD said that he likes his about Robin and other people and not so much about him.
Howard said Asian Pete and Medicated Pete did a tribute to David Bowie. Howard said that Medicated Pete was dancing around and Asian Pete just looked out of it. Howard said the whole world is nuts because anyone can have a show.
Howard played more of Medicated Pete singing with Asian Pete. Howard said it's like a retarded tribute. Howard said they did the whole song like that. Howard said he defies anyone to watch that.
Howard said they recently played a clip of a Brazilian guy covering Bowie songs and he hated it so he did his own version of that. The guys took that audio out on the street and asked people what they thought of the last recordings that Bowie did. People thought it was a real thing and one woman said she was getting emotional hearing it. The woman said she thinks that he pushed his music forward toward the end. She said it meant a lot to her. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard said that some article said they were getting a divorce. Howard said he never thought they made up the news but evidently it doesn't matter. Howard said they say she's thinking of filing for divorce because she hates that he signed a new radio contract. Howard said if she loved him that much why would he go to work. Howard said it was basically a compliment that they wrote this. Howard said that Beth needs him home so bad. Howard said that they make this stuff up but they should make up something good if they do that. Howard said he and Beth were walking around joking about it the whole weekend. Howard said he wants to thank the author because it makes him look like an unbelievable dude. Howard said they said she's leaving him because she wants him home all the time. Howard said that makes him look great.
Howard said that he found Khloe Kardashian really attractive. Howard said Beth asked how she looked and he told her ''not good'' because he's not going to say she looks great. Howard said you can't say that another woman looks great. Howard said Beth is the best looking woman and every other woman looks like shit. Howard said he told Beth Khloe looked horrible. Howard said she made a phony phone call while she was there and it's actually pretty good. Howard said he can play that.
The caller asked what the chances are of winning a refrigerator magnet Flat Ronnie are. Howard said he might be able to let him play for a full size Flat Ronnie. Howard said they have like 30 of them. Howard said that maybe they can spare one. Howard said they tried to catch High Pitch Eric in a sting and he didn't go for it. Howard played a clip of Joey Boots talking to High Pitch Eric about the Flat Ronnie. Joey told him that he could make a lot of money. Eric gets on the phone with the guy who said that he'd give him $200 for Flat Ronnie and Eric didn't go for it. The guy threw in more and more stuff and Eric didn't go for it. Eric said he's going to use it for other stuff. The guy offered him 10 grand and Eric turned it down. Then the guy told him 20 grand. Eric said no. Then the guy said he could give him 50k today. Eric turned that down too. Eric
Howard said Eric is so in love with Donnie Wahlberg. Howard said that he has a sex tip about jerking off to Donnie. Howard played that and Eric talks about watching Blue Bloods and jerking off to him. Eric was talking about jerking off all over himself and then cleaning up with baby wipes and baby powder. Howard asked what's up with the baby powder.
Howard said Jason told him that Eric is a vegan now. Howard said his favorite vegan dish is ''chicken salad'' slathered in mayo. Howard said he also has a camera on his albino frogs at his apartment but they don't have anything to sit on. They were swimming around. Howard said Eric should not be allowed to have any pets. He said they're tortured. Howard said imagine the frogs not having anything to sit on.
Howard said that he was thinking about the second amendment. Howard said we are born with certain inalienable rights. Howard said that it's your birthright to have a gun in his country. Howard said you can't restrict it. Howard said that you're not born with the right to drive a car but you can with a weapon. Howard said that's it. Howard said you're either a person who believes in that or not. Gary said that's why there are amendments because things change. Howard said that he understands why the founding fathers did that. Howard said it was to keep the government under control. Howard said that if Aliens come to this planet then we need weapons too. Robin said that if they have that kind of technology our weapons may not do anything.
Howard said it's a very slippery slope. Robin said she's always been against gun control. Gary said that we have to keep it out of the hands of retarded people. Robin said the gun laws would just cut off the people who obey the laws. Gary and Robin were arguing so Howard told them to take it up on the Wrap Up Show.
Howard said he doesn't like it when the government starts fucking around with the few rights we do have. Howard said he was talking to his daughter about free speech and he said he only believes in his own. Not anyone else's.
Howard said that they have a game called the Asian Pete Band Names game. Howard said that this guy won't win this. Howard said that he'll play one as practice. Howard played it and it was Pete just mumbling something. Howard thought it was DMX. The caller asked for it to be played one more time. He didn't know what it was. Howard asked if Pete is retarded. Gary said there's something going on there. He's not sure what it is. Howard said this guy won't win. Robin said this game is impossible. Howard kept playing the clip and it turned out to be Fleetwood Mac.
Howard said if this guy gets 2 out of 5 or maybe even 1 out of 5. Howard played another one and the guy got it. It was Guns N' Roses. Robin knew the second one. The caller said it was Def Leppard but it was Black Sabbath. Howard played another one and said he thinks he has it. The caller didn't know. Howard guessed the Traveling Willburys. It was Boy George and the Culture Club. Howard said he should have skipped that one. Gary said he told him to skip it. Gary told him to try number 6. Howard played another one and it was Linkin Park. Everyone got it so the caller won a Flat Ronnie. The guy said he may ride around with it in his car. Howard said it's life size so he has to do something like that. The caller said he can put it by his door at home to act like security. Howard said he walks by the Flat Ronnie there and it fools him every day. Gary said they left one in the hall and it got a shriek out of someone.
Howard played another Asian Pete clip and it was Electric Light Orchestra. Howard had Pete on the phone after that. Howard asked what's up with him. Pete mumbled something. Howard asked him about his Periscope with Medicated Pete. Howard said Medicated Pete must do most of the talking. Asian Pete said that's right. Asian Pete said he has fun doing it. Howard said he has nothing to do all day so it's better than sitting in his room. Howard asked what he does for a job. Asian Pete said something that sounded like he ''rides mules''. He said he actually works at Lowes in Eatontown (I think). Howard asked if he works at Lowes Hardware. Pete said yeah. He said he helps people out there. Howard said he would never go there. Howard asked if the tells people where to go. Pete said he does.
Howard asked Pete some questions as if he were in a Lowes asking him about what aisle to go to or what tools to use. Pete told him which aisle to go to and Howard understood. Robin asked where to go to find a washer dryer. He said something that sounded like ''blow me'' so Howard had some fun with that.
Howard asked if he had to go in for an interview. Pete said he did. Howard asked if they have an advance person who prepares the job interviewer for him. Pete just laughed. He said maybe. Howard said that he would want to be prepared for that. Howard pretended to be the interviewer and asked him some questions about why he wanted to be there. Howard asked what strengths he had. Pete didn't have much to say about his background or anything like that. Robin asked where he went to school. Pete said something that was unintelligible. Howard asked Pete more questions and asked if he'd dress up like a Klingon. Pete said okay to that.
Howard said that he might be the best candidate they have. Howard said imagine the other candidates. Howard let Pete go a short time later.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric and asked him what his favorite vegan meal is. Eric said that he likes the chicken salad but it's not real chicken. Howard said he thought he was eating real chicken.
Eric told Howard about the frogs he has and how they're not in a soda bottle. He said they have a rock to rest on. Howard asked what he feeds them. Eric said that he feeds them blood worms. Howard asked Eric if he ever eats the worms himself. Eric said no. Eric asked if he's going to meet Coco the Gorilla. Howard said not today. Howard said he got Coco to do an intelligence test and Eric lost against Coco. Eric said he's so pissed off at Coco. Howard told him to wait until he plays the bit. Howard said Eric didn't win one thing against the gorilla. Howard said whoever won got to blow Donnie Wahlberg so Eric was pissed. They went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said someone stole his Man Vs. Gorilla bit already. He said David Spade aired it on his slow ''Fameless'' last night. He said he has a prank show where he gets people who want to be stars and they had a guy who was made to look dumber than a gorilla. Howard said no one saw it so that's okay. Howard said there are so many shows out there. Robin said Howie Mandel has a new one. Howard said America's Got Talent is bringing back all of the judges. Howard said he was shocked by that. Robin said they talked about that. Robin said Howie has a new show with comedians. Robin said that Khloe has a show on some channel like FYI or something like that. Howard said it was something like that. Howard said there are so many channels and so many shows.
Howard said he gets offers for a lot of shows and they're on high end or network channels. Robin said Starz has a lot of good shows. Robin said that she binge watched a show called Outlanders. Howard said he hopes Robin didn't get him sick. He said he's starting to feel sick. Robin said she stayed away from him. Howard said he saw that she opened the door before he did and he may have touched the door.
Howard said there's a song parody about Robin having a cold. He played that and it was about her getting a cold because she went to London when she should have stayed home.
Howard said he loves Snoop Dogg. He said he gets mad and goes on the internet and vents. Howard played a clip of Snoop talking about Xbox and how hard it is to play someone online. He told them to fix their shit or he'll go to Playstation.
Howard said Bernie Sanders was talking about how there are only a handful of people in the world who have more than half the wealth in the world. Howard said that's the way it goes. Howard said they're predicting snow this weekend and it's fucking up his existence. Howard said that it's already fucking up his plans. Robin said it's something he cant change. Howard said he has to get out of New York. He said they've had the mildest winter but it's coming. He said if he was in Florida he'd feel good. Robin said she went down there once during the winter and a guy down there told her that he hadn't had a cold since he moved down there. Howard said that's right. He said that he's going to blame Robin if he gets sick.
Howard said he was looking at the pictures of President Obama when he started in office and from now. Howard said it's only 8 years. He said he looks like he aged 80 years. Howard said Hillary Clinton is pretty old already and she'll look like Blue Iris at the end. Howard said that they might have to go for someone like Marco Rubio who looks young. Fred played some Blue Iris clips and Howard wondered if that was their president or Blue Iris.
Howard said he was reading a Bob Lefsetz column and he was talking about old rock bands and how you can get free music and it's all bad music. He said you get what you pay for. Howard said if you want good radio you pay for it. If you don't then you get Radio Graffiti.
Howard played a clip of Underdog Lady talking about how it's the 50th anniversary of her first performance as Underdog. She said she was 13 at the time and it was in her bedroom. She told Shuli about why she did it there. Howard said it doesn't count if it's in her bedroom. Howard said Shuli just lets it go and doesn't question her. He said he has to do that to keep the interviews going.
Shuli came in and said that her parents weren't so into her performances. Howard played more of her talking about that with Shuli. Underdog Lady said that her parents bullied her into stopping it and telling her that she had to stick to reality only. Howard said that her parents had a nice little baby named Suzanne and then she turns 13 and she's into this Underdog thing. Howard said they figure it might last a little while but then it goes on for two years. . Howard said then the parents try to help and stop her from doing it and she thinks that they were bullying her. Howard said now it's like this isn't going away. He said that her parents probably said it was getting weird when she turned 25.
Howard said Shuli has turned into their own Sean Penn. Howard said in this clip she talks about getting heckled at parades. Howard played that and Underdog Lady talked about having people yelling out ''Baba Booey'' and ''Howard Stern Lives'' among other things. She said she has had enough of that for a lifetime.
Shuli said that Suzanne is such a known person that she wins awards. Howard said that it's very important for her to win. Howard said even if she's against 4th graders she still wants to win. Howard played another clip where Suzanne talked about winning for ''most precise'' performance. Howard said that they must have to find an award to give her when she does these things. Howard asked how she finds parades in winter. Robin said there are parades for the holidays. Shuli said she will go no matter where they are as long as they're around her.
Howard said he wouldn't want Suzanne on the show because you have to talk to her like she's a serious artist. Howard said if you start dicking around with her about things then she runs out of the studio. Shuli said it sounds like a home run to him. Howard said he thinks it's better for Shuli to just talk to her. Howard played a clip of Shuli trying to get her on the show. She starts whining and crying like she can't make up her mind. Shuli said that she had an Underdog Fan Club that she was kicked out of.
Howard played another clip of Shuli telling Underdog a joke and then she told him a knock, knock joke. Shuli and Underdog went back and forth with really lame jokes until Suzanne said she didn't have time for any more so she had to go.
Howard said they're sorry to see Glenn Frey gone. Robin said he had a big hit with ''You Belong to the City'' too. Howard said he didn't remember that.
Robin had some other info about Glenn and the Eagles. Howard said he's not a big Eagles guy so he doesn't know a lot of that stuff. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Chelsea Handler is there. Howard said she had a very successful show on E! Television and she walked away from that. Howard said she has lost a lot of weight. Chelsea said she hasn't actually. She thanked him though. Chelsea told Robin to give her an email address because she wanted to send her something the other day and she didn't have it.
Howard asked Chelsea how her stints on the Today show were. Chelsea said she talked to Matt and he's cool. Howard asked if she likes talking to the other hosts on the show. Chelsea said she has done the Hoda thing. Howard asked if her publicity person told her she had to do Hoda would she walk away. Chelsea said she likes doing them all. She said that she hates sitting there in that green room and making you smile when they're waiting for you to come on. She said that it has nothing to do with what she's talking about on the show. Howard said Chelsea looks very good. Howard asked if she did any Botox or anything. Chelsea said she has never done plastic surgery but she has some filler under her eyes. She said that she doesn't do anything to her forehead or anything. She said she's just had a little filler. Nothing heavy.
Chelsea said she has something done called a Profraxional. She said that your face bleeds but after 3 days your skin is brand new and no sun spots. She said she does that every year. She said that Melissa Montez does it in the Valley.
Howard asked if Chelsea is going to boycott the Oscars. She said she usually does. Howard said he's going to boycott them this year too.
Howard asked Chelsea if she has watched E! at all since she left. Chelsea said no. She said to clarify she doesn't think she watched it even when she was on the network. Howard said that she had a million plus viewers over there. Howard said she thought the show became too stupid for her and walked away. Howard asked if she could have classed up that show and done a different show instead of blowing that up. Chelsea said they asked her about doing that. She said that she expressed her concerns to them. Chelsea said that she was told she could change the show but then you have to think about the people who are watching. She said that the audience signed up for something and she didn't want to be annoying. She said she was already annoying herself and she didn't want to annoy herself.
Chelsea said that she is friends with Sean Penn and she had no idea he was a journalist. She said that she doesn't call herself that. She said that she didn't understand why he was there with El Chapo. She said that she's not sure what was going on there. She said that she thought that he was there and he just wrote an article to stay out of trouble for meeting him.
Chelsea said she did the Charlie Rose show last night. She said she likes Charlie. She said he's a big drinker and she admires that. Howard asked if she went to detox for a few weeks for drinking. Chelsea said it wasn't for that. She said she was trying to get her body together. She said she likes alcohol. She said she's not going to deny that.
Howard said Chelsea went out and took Ayahuasca for her new TV show. Chelsea said that she did. She said that she did an expose about drugs. She said that she would have done any drug that they'd allow her to. She said that she wanted to illustrate what people look like when they're doing it. She said that the Ayahuasca was a spiritual thing. Robin took it too. Robin said that she discovered that your life is yours and you have to live it for yourself. Chelsea said that reminds her of a quote from a book. She told Howard what that was. Howard asked if this is Oprah now.
Howard asked Chelsea about going on vacation and posting picture of herself topless. Howard said that she asks why women can't show their tits. Howard asked on her new Netflix show will she be topless. Chelsea said that it would be a way to get ratings even though Netflix doesn't have ratings. She said she would show Howard her tits anytime but he's married and that's tasteless. She said that she won't do it. Chelsea said that she doesn't like her boobs. She said they're real and they're too big. She said she heard Kathy Griffin talking about how they're fake but they are real. She said she wears a bra to sleep and she never had a kid so they still stand up. Howard said she has the tits of a 20 year old. Chelsea said she has a D when she's PMS'ing but a C at other times. Howard asked if she feels it's unfair that other women get implants. Chelsea said she wants women to do whatever they want to. She said that it's sad that more men don't get penile implants. She said that she won't fuck a guy with a small penis more than once or twice. She said it's not fair that they can't get a proper implant for that.
Howard said that they have to slow down now. Howard said she does have men problems. Howard said she's feisty and a strong woman. Howard said she talks about her dad being an idiot so is that a joke? She said it is. She said her dad has no filter and he's racist but thinks he's not racist. She said that he says everything racist. She said he hates Arabs and blacks and all races. She said he's like 80 years old and he had her late in life. She said that he will say things to poke at you and then he'll joke about her mother.
Howard asked Chelsea if she has a problem with men. Howard said she brought 50 Cent home to her father. Chelsea said her dad didn't like him but he's never liked anyone she's brought home. She said she's been bringing black guys home since she was in high school.
Howard asked Chelsea about going on vacation and going to places to recharge. Howard said she has posted pictures and fucked a lot of guys. Howard asked if she has fucked a lot who didn't speak English. She said she has had a few. Howard asked if she is dating someone now that's romantic. Chelsea said she hasn't had sex in a year. She said she went a full year but not purposely. She said that it was this December that it was one year. She said that about 9 months had gone by and she realized it. She said a friend told her that she can't do that. Chelsea said that she would never try to be celibate. She said that it just wasn't happening for her. She said she's a little shy with men she doesn't know. She said her friend told her it would be kind of cool to go that full year instead of hooking up with a guy. She said she did it and waited. She said there was no point and she didn't learn anything from that. Howard said he went on a mad tear when he was single. He said he was afraid that he was missing out on something and he was going to die without knowing what it was like. Chelsea said she didn't care about it like Howard would. She said that she was thinking about it in the opposite way. Howard asked if the vagina closes up a lot when you don't do it. Chelsea said that it can. Howard said he heard that it can close up and you need a clamp to get it open.
Howard said that Chelsea's special will be starting on Saturday on Netflix. Howard said it's called Chelsea Does. Howard said it's 4 episodes.
Howard asked Chelsea about her relationship with Ted Harbert who she used to date. Howard said she said that he annoyed her in the special. Howard said that she was almost married to the guy. Howard said that it was her one serious relationship. Chelsea said she dated him for 4 years. Howard said that the things you love about a person are the things that start to annoy you. Howard said it's like marrying a British woman and you get annoyed with her accent after a while. Chelsea said Ted used to eat Ruffles potato chips and he would dip them into a salsa. She said that she had never seen that before. It was cute at first. Then by the time the relationship ended she would get annoyed by him shoveling that salsa into his mouth with those potato chips. She said that she would tell him that she just fucking hated him. Howard said he likes that. He said he'd want to know that if he was getting that annoying.
Howard asked Chelsea about this woman Heather McDonald who was on her E! show. Howard said she came out with an article where she says that she lived in fear of Chelsea. Howard asked if there is any validity to this. Chelsea said when she found out a couple of days ago she remembered that she was selling personal pictures that she took at work and she stopped hanging out with her there. She said that Heather also made a comment about not having a renewal there and she shouldn't have to talk about the deals she has going on there. Howard read some of the comments Heather had about Chelsea but Chelsea said that was all she had to say about her.
Howard asked if she has a lot of that going on in her life. Chelsea said yes. She said people do betray her. She said when you become famous you have all of these people working for you and you want to take everyone on vacation and be generous. Then people get used to it and they take advantage of you. She said that you can do so many things to her before you sell a story to a tabloid. Howard said that she did find out about what she was doing to her and she kept her on the show. Chelsea said she was good on the show and she thought that she could forget about that and keep her on the show. She said she never hung out with her or be alone with her. She said she could never share her personal life with her after she found out what she did.
Howard asked Chelsea about her enemies and if she has a lot. Chelsea said she has some. Howard said he saw Chelsea at Jennifer Aniston's wedding and asked her how she was doing. Howard said Chelsea told him that she was in New York and he told her that she should have called. She said that she didn't feel that close to him and walked away. Howard said he would have gone to dinner with her. Chelsea said she'll never call and put that on him. She said that she just doesn't want him to have to think about the pressure. Howard said he thinks he likes her because she never puts pressure on him.
Chelsea said she remembers what she wanted to talk to Robin about. She said Robin mentioned to Adam Driver that he had condoms during the sex scenes in ''Girls.'' Chelsea said she found that very funny. She said that it was funny how Robin brought it up. Howard said that is weird.
Howard asked if Chelsea is afraid that people have forgotten about her. Chelsea said of course. She said she is human. She said she doesn't have a lot of second guessing. She said she was going to take off 6 months but then it turned into a year. She said she wanted to use the documentaries to show her life. Howard said he thinks that she did the topless photos because she wanted to be out there. Chelsea said that's not why she did it.
Chelsea said it's been like a year and a half since she's been on the air. She said that she does worry that people don't give a shit. Howard said he thought it was very brave of her to leave that E! job and go off to Netflix. Chelsea said that it's not brave to leave E!. She said that taking a break is a strong move and she doesn't want to just coast in a job. She said that she never worried about people caring about her before.
Howard asked Chelsea about this docu-series she has. Chelsea said he's making it sound serious but they're funny. Howard said one is about race and racism. Howard said one is on marriage and one is on drugs. Chelsea said the other one is about Silicon Valley.
Howard asked if she is against marriage. Chelsea said not really. She said that she had to go back and talk to an ex-boyfriend from like 20 years ago. She said all of the guys like her but she doesn't like them. Howard asked why she doesn't want to talk to Ted. She said she will but she won't hang out with him on camera. Chelsea said that her first boyfriend was someone she dated at 21 and he's British. Chelsea said that she lost her virginity long before 20 but that was her first boyfriend. Chelsea told Howard about having 3 ways and how she has had girls do stuff to her and she's done stuff to the girl. Howard said she's a player. Chelsea said when you're growing up you want to do stuff. She said that it's sexy to see a girl and a guy doing stuff. Howard said he can't be in a three way anything. He said he'd feel that the girls like each other more than they like him. Howard said he'd be upset if Beth brought a woman home because he'd think Beth was liking the other woman more than him.
Howard said Robin has done everything. Robin said she hasn't done a threesome. Howard said she did everything else. Chelsea said she doesn't get the anal thing. She said that she had a makeup person telling her that she had lost her virginity anally. She just wondered why. She said that it was about her parents finding out about her losing her virginity. Chelsea said she found it odd that bleeding out of her asshole was better than losing her virginity.
Howard asked about the Ayahuasca thing and if she puked when she did it. Chelsea said she did and it's all on camera. Robin asked if she knew it was coming. Chelsea said she did. She said that she has done other things like Mushrooms too. She said that's her favorite. Howard said that she is wild. Chelsea said he says that every time she's in there. Howard said she sounds like she's fun. He said he loves it. Howard said he thinks that she'd be disappointed in him sexually. She said she thinks so too. She said when men are confident it goes better.
Howard said she did Ayahuasca and she did other drugs. She said she did pot in food and they were high for like 6 days. She said that she did the Ayahuasca in Spain. She said everyone was shitting too. She said the guy who was running the whole thing as high too so he was doing it all as well.
Howard said that her show is called Chelsea Does and it's coming out on Saturday. Howard said that she even goes to Noel Biderman from Ashley Madison. Howard asked why she did that. Chelsea said because he's a fucking asshole. She said she is against cheating. She said she has a really hard time with that. She said that everyone can do what the fuck they want but they have to tell the other person. She said that she has never had that need to cheat. She said she has dated guys at the same time but she would never lie about it.
Chelsea told Howard about her breakup with Ted Harbert and how that went. She said that she just ended it and went to her own apartments. She said she was about to do a tour and she needed that to happen at the time.
Howard asked if Chelsea learned anything from this series. Chelsea said of course she did. She told Howard about what they did when they shot them and how they bossed her around when they were doing it. She said that she went out of her comfort zone and it was amazing. Chelsea said she was bored with being in control with her show. She said she just went out and did it and it was great.
Howard asked why she took her SATs while she was high on LSD. She said she forgot they were the next day. Howard asked her about smoking weed with Willie Nelson. Chelsea said she was on his bus with his wife like 2 feet away. Chelsea said Willie is so cool about it. She said that she was so high. She said they smoked a couple of joints but it was just a couple of hits off each. She said that the weed is very potent. She said he's coming out with his own line of weed. She said that she was so high and she was looking at him hoping that he'd just say something else. She said she wasn't able to think of any questions. Howard asked if she looks as stoned as she felt. Chelsea said she never thinks she's holding it together. She said she looks high. She said neither of them were talking much. Howard asked if she left anything out of the documentary that would embarrass her. She said there are some things that are embarrassing that she actually left in. She said at one point they're all sitting around the pot dinner and she asked if anyone thought she ever had a drug problem and they all thought she had at one point. She said that she had no idea. She remembered the time they were talking about though.
Howard asked if she is single now. Chelsea said she is. Howard asked if she has someone banging her. Chelsea said not right now. She said the last time she got some was a few weeks ago. She said it was just some random guy. She said she's just dating. Howard said maybe it's time to find someone. Chelsea said that she is having the best time of her life right now. She said that she doesn't need anyone. She said she has dogs and she's fine being home alone. Chelsea said if she wanted a boyfriend she'd have one in a second. She said that's just not who she is. She said if she finds someone that she falls for then that's just the cherry on top of everything else.
Howard asked if she wants kids. Chelsea said she doesn't want a baby. She said she doesn't want to go to the zoo or Disneyland. She said that's just not her thing. Howard said it's good that she knows that about herself. Howard said she would be considered selfish if she had kids for that reason. Chelsea said she had a friend who was getting older and had a kid because it was getting too late in her life so she had to do it. She said that she just shouldn't do it if she doesn't want kids. Howard said he knows people who have done that.
Howard said we have enough kids in this world who aren't wanted. Howard said you can adopt. Chelsea said she would adopt a Syrian baby or something if she was going to do that. She said she wouldn't be a good care taker.
Howard asked if Chelsea masturbated a lot when she was celibate. She said no. She said that she's not that kind of person. She said it doesn't even occur to her. She said that people are floored by that. Howard said she's so lucky. Howard said he has thought about stopping masturbation but then an hour later he's masturbating. Chelsea asked if Beth gets upset about that. Howard said he can do it a day later. He said Beth doesn't care.
Howard said he has to stop this interview. Howard said he likes when she comes in. Howard gave her some more plugs for ''Chelsea Does.'' Chelsea said that her new talk show will be out in May. She said that will be 3 times a week. She's not sure how they're going to work that. Howard said he heard that her first guest is going to be Bill Cosby. Robin said she told a story about him that was kind of weird. Chelsea said she almost ended up in his arms. Howard gave her some more plugs and wrapped up with Chelsea. They went to break after that.
Howard said Donald Trump just tweeted that he never called Howard Stern a loser. He said that he's a winner. Howard said he had a feeling that was the case. Howard said that he isn't sure where that guy Frank got the idea that Trump called him an idiot. Howard said he is a pretty reputable guy. Howard said that he never recalled anything like that even jokingly. Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard said now he has to have meetings and he doesn't feel good. Howard said this was his fear about signing a new deal. He said he doesn't like meetings. He said he's in a dumb business. Howard said imagine having a meeting about this bullshit.
Howard played a ''Kennedy center Honors for Gary the Conqueror'' bit. Then he took a call from a guy who asked if this is Radio Graffiti. Howard told him to go ahead with that. The caller said he saw Flat Ronnie on prime time TV. Howard said he's been on two weeks in a row on Undateable. Howard said he is starting to show up on TV and they'll give him to more people where he can show up like that. The caller said he had never seen the show before that so it made him watch the show. Howard said they do say that the show has gone up in the ratings since Flat Ronnie was on.
The caller asked if Howard has heard about Making a Murderer. Howard said he has and he's not going to watch it so he's not like everyone else. Robin said it is kind of scary when you see it. Howard said that's why he doesn't want to watch it. Howard said he doesn't want to know how things like that can get screwed up. Howard said that he saw Jimmy Kimmel and his wife over the break and they were carrying on about how great the series was. He said they were rushing back to their room to watch a couple of episodes. Howard said Rosie O'Donnell told him about it too and she told him the whole ending. Howard said she didn't want to tell him too much but she told him everything. Howard said it's good he has no memory because he can't remember what she said. Howard said he saw that everyone was carrying on about the show. Howard said he refuses to watch it.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that all of his interviews are getting played all over the news lately. Howard said Khloe Kardashian was all over the news and they were just about playing the whole interview. Howard said that's because he's so wonderful.
Mariann said that Donald Trump could be president and she has talked to him on the air a few times. She said it's crazy. She also said that Kelly Osbourne is going to be on Australia's Got Talent. Howard said that's not that crazy. Howard said he doesn't care about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would consider an Apple Watch. Howard said not now. He said he doesn't want that. The caller said they work really good. Howard said it's too much for him. Howard said Ralph has told him you have to put in some hours to get proficient at using the watch. He said he doesn't have the time for that.
Robin started her news with a story about ISIS fighters having their salaries cut. Robin said that they are blaming ''exceptional circumstances'' for the cuts. Howard said that he didn't even know there was pay. Howard said he thought they just had to join a gang over there and join the one you think is going to win. Howard said maybe they're not that into the jihad.
Robin read a story about how Robert E. Lee and Martin Luther King day are celebrated on the same day in the south. Robin said that seems a little weird to her.
Robin said that there is a new virus in town and they're calling it the Zika virus. Robin said pregnant women are being warned about it. Robin said the virus is linked to birth defects. Robin said women are being warned about traveling to parts of South America. Howard said it's the birth defect that Beetlejuice has. Howard said they're thinking about doing the show from down there to get more Wack Packers.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jeopardy was funny last night. He said no one won and they all had zero dollars. He said they all bet it all and they all lost. Howard said you're supposed to hold a dollar at least. Howard asked how people so smart can be so stupid. Howard said if he were Alex Trebek he'd go berserk. Howard said anyone could have won if they just held a dollar. The caller read Howard a question from the game.
Robin read a story about El Chapo and how he had an operation for erectile dysfunction while he was on the run. Robin said that there was a woman who was dating El Chapo while he was on the run and the authorities want to talk to her. Howard said that she was hot too.
Robin read about how there will no longer be a print edition of Penthouse. Robin said they are going to combine and convert the print magazine to digital. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said that he remembers seeing that last episode where everyone lost and he asked Alex about it when he was on the show but he didn't remember what he said about it. He also told Howard that it doesn't take hours to learn the Apple Watch. He said it's very helpful. Howard said he's on his email so much he feels he has to take a break from it. Ralph said you're not tied to the email so much. Howard said he has to stop somewhere. He said it is great for Uber. He said you just hit a button and the car shows up.
Robin read a story about how David Bowie finally has a number one album. Robin said his new album Blackstar is at number one on the Billboard charts. Robin said that a psychologist is also saying that David Bowie shows up in a lot of people's delusions. Robin read about what the guy found with research. Robin said that he had some weird movie turns and videos and people with psychosis have frequent Bobo delusions.
Robin read a story about Glenn Frey passing away yesterday. Robin said that his death was brought about by a combination of Colitis, Rheumatoid Arthritis and something else. Robin said she doesn't remember what the other thing was (Pneumonia). Robin said that he had suffered a setback around the holidays and he was going to need surgery for something and they missed their Kennedy Center Honors appearance. Robin said that you won't see them on that show. Robin had some clips for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about Mic Gillette dying as well. Robin said he's the founding member of Tower of Power. Robin had some clips for Howard to play. Robin said he was 64. Howard said everyone is dropping like flies.
Robin read about Don Mclean getting into some legal trouble. Robin said that he was arrested on domestic violence charges. Robin said he's 70 years old. Robin read the details of that story. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard talked a little more about the Don Mclean story. Howard said you don't want to be arrested for that at 70. Robin said they must have been together for a long time. Howard said people are saying this is his first hit in 45 years. Robin said that is not a good joke. Howard said he'd rather be arrested for public masturbation than spousal abuse.
Robin read a story about how there's a call for a boycott of the Oscars by some people. Robin read that Spike Lee and Jada Pinkett Smith are calling for the boycott. Robin said that Spike Lee is asking how two years in a row it's possible that no black actors are nominated. Robin said there are other actors coming out and airing their grievances. Robin had some audio of Janet Hubert (Aunt Viv on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) talking about how Will Smith has his own mouth so Jada shouldn't be out there speaking for him. Robin said she also says that Will didn't help with negotiations on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Robin had clips of her talking about that. She was also talking about how maybe Will didn't deserve a nomination. She didn't think he deserved a Golden Globe nomination either. Howard said they say she was fired from Fresh Prince because she couldn't get along with Will Smith.
Robin said that Cheryl Boone Isaacs is a woman of color and she's on the Academy board. Robin said she's saying it's time for some big changes. Howard said he saw The Revenant and it was like Superman in the woods. Howard said that this guy could not be killed. Howard said he thinks he'll win Best Actor. He said he'd like to see an all black Oscars next year. He said he'd like to see a white host with an all black audience. He said he'd like the statue to be changed to black too.
Robin asked Howard what state has made the most progress with race relations. Howard guessed South Carolina but Robin said it's actually California. Robin said they say California is near the top. Robin read about some other states that have done well.
Robin read a story about Antonio Cromartie and how he will have 10 children by 7 women when his twins are born. Robin said they decided to look up how much he pays in child support. Howard said it has to be a big load. Robin said in 2010 the Jets gave him $500,000 in advance payments so he could pay his bills. He said now they know that he has to pay $336,000 a year. Howard said you'd think that would slow him down. Robin said that's how much it costs when you're a football star and you have that many children. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the Dalai Lama coming to the United States later this year to be treated for a prostate problem. Howard said he thinks he's coming here for a face lift and he's trying to disguise it. Robin said she finds it odd that he would be that vain.
Robin asked Howard what he thinks about old Nazis being brought to trial. Howard said he's all for it. He said just because they're old doesn't let you off the hook. Howard said you have to screw with these guys. Robin said they found a 95 year old who will stand trial in Germany next month. Robin said the man is accused of being an accessory in the murder of over 4,000 people. Robin said it pisses her off that they lived a full life. Robin said he's known as Herbert Z because German privacy laws prohibit them from giving out his full name.
Robin said that Bernie Sanders is surging in the polls. Robin asked if he can beat the republicans. Howard said no. Robin said that's what Hillary is saying. Howard said there are people who are in the middle of the road and they don't want Bernie. Howard said that he might be too hard core. Howard said he's not sure.
Robin read a story about North Korea making a bold claim about their scientists inventing a hangover free alcohol. Howard said now you're talking. Howard said they also claim to have the world's only unicorn. Howard said at least they're doing something important. Robin said they say that it's got no bitterness as well. Howard said they should try pouring it into Richard Christy's asshole.
Robin said that Donald Trump is going to be making a big announcement today. Howard said maybe that's why he tried calling him last night. Howard said he was asleep though. Robin said they are talking about banning trump from the UK. Robin said they could make him look like a martyr if they do that. Robin had some audio of a couple of British people talking about that.
Robin read a story about how Donald Trump has a new ad for radio that stars his daughter. Robin had some audio of that to play as well. Howard said she's hot. Howard said he's hung with her a few times and she's stunning looking. He said he did shots with her at a party. Howard said maybe he just did the shots now that he thinks about it. He said he thinks she has real breasts too. Robin said she's a mother now. Howard asked if she's jumping up and down in that commercial. Robin said she thinks she's just sitting. Howard said that's too bad.
Robin read a story about Marco Rubio talking about Chris Christie and had some audio for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about child hunger and a guy who wrote a book about it. Robin had some audio of the guy talking about child hunger.
Robin read a story about Flint, Michigan's drinking water being tainted by lead. Robin said they are calling for the governor to resign or be prosecuted. Robin had some audio of some people talking about why he should get out.
Robin said congratulations to Kevin Hart who is in Ride Along 2 and it beat out Star Wars which was number one for a month.
Robin read a story about Spider-Man and had the theme song from the old cartoon. Robin said that they say if Spider-Man was real it would be impossible for him to do what he does in the comics if it was real life. Howard asked if they're really talking about that. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Jon played a short clip of what happened on the show today. Jon said that Chelsea Handler was in today so he wants to start off with that. Jon said Howard talked to her about how she blew him off at a party once. Jon said that she didn't want to put anything on him and didn't want to put him out for taking him out to dinner or anything. Jenny said she'd be afraid to ask Howard to do anything. She said she was texting with Chelsea last night about that. She said that Howard just wants to hang with his cats and dip his hands in Purell. Jon asked if she was part of the prep for Howard. Jenny said she had a hand. Jon said she talked about everything today. Jon said she talked about the heather McDonald story too. He said he heard that and it was a crazy story. Jon said that it's not a cool thing to do.
Jenny said she has known Chelsea since she was 26 years old. She said that she's been pretty consistent as the person she is. Jenny said she could name so many others that do nothing for you. Jenny said Chelsea has stuck her head out there for so many female voices. She said she doesn't understand biting the hand that feeds you.
Jon said Jenny was there with Chelsea when she did the Ayahuasca thing. Jon asked her about what it was like for her. Jenny told Jon about how she was vomiting into a bucket and sobbing her eyes out. She said it's a crazy drug. Jon asked if it was something she wanted to continue doing. Jenny said that Chelsea was sitting there laughing and the Shamen was smoking in their faces and trying to keep the evil spirits away. Then he got mad at them and said they weren't taking it seriously. Gary asked if the Ayahuasca continues to work though. Jenny said she was just sitting there with drool coming out of her mouth and Chelsea was spooning her. She said as soon as he said their trip was over it was like it stopped working. She said it was so weird. She said suddenly she was fine and it was just gone.
Jon asked Rahsaan about the poll they have up. Rahsaan said they had Underdog on the air today and they're asking which Wack Packer would make the best super villain out of...
Jon said he thinks that Underdog would pack up her stuff and move in with Shuli if he asked her to. Jon said they'll have the results at the end of the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they think that Howard is looking at his own mortality now that these guys are dying at 69 years old. He also asked who won the fantasy football thing. Jon said Ben Barto beat him in the finals. Jon said he thinks that Howard is thinking about it more now. He said it might not have to do with his age but his contemporaries are passing away. Jon said it might not be the age but the music that Howard is thinking about. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said a lot of people think that Chelsea is too forthright. He said she doesn't pretend to be anything else. Jenny said she's not mean.
Gary asked Jenny about what it's like going out with Chelsea. He asked if it's all taken care of. Jenny said it depends on what it is but it's usually all taken care of. She said that they have gotten together to buy her something to thank her and they got her two Vespas after she took them out on a yacht.
Jon asked Jenny how she thinks things would have gone if Howard was there on the boat that time her husband peed on Chelsea in the water. Jenny said she doesn't think that it would have gone that well.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wants Gary to think about a perfect name for his dog which is Howard. He said he named his dog Louie which is his ex-father in law so he was able to get some frustrations out. He said he thinks that Gary could do that. Gary said he's not that mad at Howard though. He doesn't need to do that.
Jon said Howard was thrilled to tell Gary how he found out about his new dog. Jon said it seems like Howard won't let him forget about the unfriending thing. Gary said the difference is that Mary is putting out her own stuff. He said that he was more about wanting to talk about stuff that Mary wouldn't put out and Howard would never see. Gary said that he put out a tweet last week and Jason handed it to Howard. He said now he has to unfriend Jason and everyone else. He said he didn't think that far ahead when he did the Facebook unfriending. Gary said he could Friend Howard but he doesn't think he will accept. Jon asked Jenny what she thinks. Jenny said she thinks Howard will sit on it for like a month and then he'll get accepted. Gary said he'd be fine with him not accepting.
Jon asked if Gary has decided on a name. Gary said they have and it was listener influenced. He said something jumped out at him and it was one of the listeners. Jon asked if it was Bobo or High Pitch. Gary said it's not but he's warm. Jon said it'll be interesting to find out tomorrow. They went to break after that.
Jon said Howard told a story about how he told Beth that Khloe Kardashian didn't look that great even though he thought she looked great. Jon said Gary has a way to handle this situation. Gary said Mary asked him if Khloe looked good. Gary said he said that she looked good but she's not his type. He said that's what works for him. Jenny said that would work for her too. She said that she likes to trap her husband into saying that someone is hot. Jon asked how she does that. Jenny worked through it with Jon and they were talking about a hot neighbor. Jenny said you get him to agree with her and then she turns passive aggressive and then the night turns into complete chaos.
Jon said he thinks that you should be honest. Rahsaan said that it doesn't work. He said you can't say someone else is attractive.
Gary said when he started living with Mary he kept running into this one girl he dated and Mary would ask if that's really who he was dating before her. Gary said he told her that he was dating other women who were hotter. Gary said that his wife was always so happy to see her.
Jon asked Gary how he handles that whole thing with his wife seeing other guys. Gary said he gets it if she likes a Matt Damon or someone. He said Mary doesn't tell him if she finds someone attractive. Gary said he doesn't really care. He asked what good can come from those conversations. Jenny said she is drawn to those conversations. She said she loves to have those conversations.
Jon said they played the Asian Pete game today. He said it's almost impossible to win. Jon said he's working at a home improvement kind of place now. Jon asked if you can imagine him helping. Gary said he has had people help like that. He said that he has gone to a store where everyone told him to talk to Jimmy and it turns out this guy Jimmy has Down Syndrome. He said he knew where everything was in the store.
Jon asked Rahsaan about the poll and how the fans voted. Rahsaan said Big Foot got 41 percent, Eric got 23, Underdog got 21 and Jeff got 15 percent. He said there were some write-ins like Eric the Actor and Hank the Dwarf.
Jon wrapped up after getting in some plugs for today's Sternthology. They were done around 11:50am.
Howard started the show talking about how everyone is excited about J-Dini who will be in later. Howard said he didn't get to him yesterday because it was difficult. Howard said they have so much in store for today's show. He said they've got things happening on the show that have never happened in the history of radio. He said he just won't get to them right away.
Howard played a Mariann from Brooklyn clip where she announced that Whitney Cummings will be on today.
Howard played a clip of Beetlejuice talking about the candidates for President. He's apparently running too. Beet had comments about each one. Howard said he loves that.
Howard said Whitney Cummings is coming in he has some clips from her comedy special. Howard played a clip of Whitney talking about IUDs. Howard said she's at the top of her craft. He said he has another clip where she's talking about how anal isn't weird anymore. Howard played that clip and Whitney was talking about squirting and anal.
Howard said it's so true about anal. He said it used to be taboo. Howard said he remembers getting a warning letter from NBC when he called someone a douche bag and a scum bag. Howard said he got called into Bob Mounty's office and he was told he can't say that kind of thing. Howard said now you turn on TV you hear all of that. Howard said we've seen things change over the years. Howard said anal is now run of the mill. Howard said Robin was an anal pioneer. Howard said she did it when she lived in San Francisco. Howard said a perfect stranger put it in her ass. He said back then it was unheard of. Robin said no one ever talked about it. Robin said they worked it out of her.
Howard said he has some notes for the show. Howard said he saw a video online that was so brilliant. He said they took gay men who had never seen a vagina. Howard said they got a really pretty girl and let the gay guys see and touch it. They were disgusted by this vagina. Howard said they were very girly sounds they were making. Howard said he hopes they can put a link up to that on the site.
Howard said he wants to give a shout out. He said Baba Booey got a dog and in tribute to Riley Martin named the dog Riley. Robin said she saw that on Facebook. Howard said he has been unfriended by Gary. He said he is friends with Mary Dell'Abate though. Howard said the dog was named after Riley Martin.
Howard said he wants to give a shout out to the CBS show ''Superstore.'' He said that they had a big shout out and a couple of Baba Booey's in the show. Howard said he doesn't know the show but he did see the clip and it was very good.
Howard said he was watching the John Lennon tribute and this Charlie Daniels looking guy was up singing. His name is Chris Stapleton. Howard said he never mentioned that he was that good because he doesn't know who this guy is. Howard said this guy was on Saturday Night Live. He said that Bob Lefsetz was talking about how he didn't even look into the camera when he was on Saturday Night Live. Howard said the guy really doesn't care about the camera or anything. Howard said he might have to get this guy's album. Robin said the guy has a big duster coat on and he's probably got a shotgun under it. Howard said he's sure he does. Howard wanted to play some of Chris Stapleton singing ''Nobody To Blame.'' Howard said he dresses kind of like Imus. Howard said it was like working with the Village People when they worked with Imus at NBC. Howard said he became a cowboy and he was wearing the whole outfit a cowboy would wear. Howard said he used to wear other outfits before the cowboy stuff. Robin said he used to wear a flight suit and things like that.
Howard said that Wolfman Jack used to show up at NBC but he did his show remotely. Howard said they had Wolfman cut a bunch of tape of him saying everything and they'd try to make it sound like he was live on the radio. Howard said they'd play clips of him talking to people. He said they had everything cut to make it sound like he was doing it live. Gary said he loved that they had him saying that it was ''a few minutes past the hour'' so the time didn't have to be said. Howard said Boy Lee used to do that stuff. Gary said he's going to see Lee in a few weeks actually. Howard said he was all confused because his dad was a salesman and he didn't want to go into sales. Howard said he introduced him to a hot chick named Lillian. Howard said they brought him in on the air and told him to ask her out. They ended up getting married. Gary said he remembers her saying yes and all of the guys were like ''What!?''
Howard said Lee became Wolfman Jack's producer. Howard said two times a year Wolfman would come to New York to touch base. Howard said they'd all take a photo together. It was Howard, Imus, Wolfman and Soupy Sales. Howard said that Wolfman showed up in a sombrero and he had a big duster so maybe that's why Imus started dressing like that. Howard said he'd talk to Wolfman and he had that crazy voice. Howard said he tired to fuck with Imus by dressing like an astronaut to see if Imus would dress like him.
Howard said he was talking about this guy Chris Stapleton was dressed like that. Howard said he knows that these guys wear cowboy hats but it looks ridiculous. Howard said he got one from Robert Duvall not too long ago. Howard said he took the time to send him a really nice one but he wouldn't be caught dead in it. Howard said Beth suggested that he bring it to Florida because he needs something to cover his head down there. Howard said he walked out one day in the hat and a bathing suit. Howard said he ran back into the house and got rid of it. Howard said he may take a picture of himself in that thing and his bathing suit. Howard said it does fit though. He said it was custom made. Howard said that thing isn't his look. He said he was about 6'9'' tall with it on. Howard said it looks like he's an alien.
Howard had Fred play the Chris Stapleton song. Fred said it's not really his thing. Howard said he has a nice voice. Howard said he's sort of like the Eagles with his music. He said it's the new style. Fred said this was his Saturday Night Live performance. Howard said Chris kept moving away from the microphone and they couldn't hear him. Howard said the guy is a good guitar player. Fred said the guy has a Benjy beard. Howard said he does. Howard said Benjy's beard looks like Woody Allen's in the movie ''Bananas.''
Howard said they were going over the show this morning and Benjy had a thought about something they have coming up. Howard said Benjy got in front of him and he jumped. He said he had a big cap on with his big beard and he wondered if he was working with Bluto from Popeye.
Howard said he really likes this Chris Stapleton guy. He said he's not into country music but this guy is good. Howard said he really likes him.
Howard said they came up with Howard 360 and that's the working title. Howard said that's a reference to it being all around. Howard said this is if they can pull it off. Howard said he thinks this will become the industry standard. Howard said they are going to do something that every fucker in this industry will follow. He said that everyone will copy it but the fans will know the truth. Howard said that's important to him. He said 5 years ago he asked if people would pay extra to see through Robin's clothes. Howard said that's what Howard 360 is. He said it's seeing Robin topless.
Howard said just sit tight and this stuff will come in 2025 or so. Howard said he'll be like 90. Robin said it's 2016 now so do the math. Howard did his math and came up with 70. Howard said he's going to be very old.
Howard replayed the Beetlejuice clip he played earlier. Howard said he loves that little fuck. He said his mother snagged him away so they don't get to see him so much. Howard said his mother took him to Georgia. He said once or twice a year they get to see him when his manager gets him. Howard said he has so much to get to today. He said he had to take a break.
Howard said last night Donald Trump got on stage with Sarah Palin. He asked if she got fat or what. Robin said maybe it was the clothes. Howard said if she got fat she's totally useless. Howard said you can't even jerk off to her anymore. Howard said Trump called him at 10 to 6 and let him know that he was upset about that Frank Bruni column where he said that he was calling Howard Stern a loser. He was confused and it was actually Howard K. Stern. Howard said that Trump was really upset about that. He said Bruni did apologize for the mix up. Howard said more people read the paper than where the apology appeared. Howard said that Trump was really upset about it.
Howard said Trump had to get a hold of him and he told him it was very nice of him. Howard said he has been doing the show for years and he didn't believe it anyway. He said that it was good for Trump to get the Palin endorsement. Howard said a lot of the tea party people love her. Howard said that managed to take away some of the Ted Cruz momentum. Howard said the republican party used to be so much more inclusive. Howard said they weren't so fucking staunch in the religion thing. Howard and Robin talked about Ted Cruz and his odd look. Howard said he has a look like him. He said that's why he doesn't run.
Howard said he did hear from Trump so he wanted to mention that. Howard said that Sarah Palin is a good endorsement for Trump. Howard said she represents the kook vote. He said there are more kooks out there than regular people. Howard said you have to bring in the kooks to get the votes. Robin said he'd better stop trying to quote the bible. Robin asked if Howard saw that. Howard said he did. Robin said that he went to Liberty University and he was there trying to quote the bible. Robin said that he said 2 Corinthians instead of second. Howard said he has some tape of Trump talking about religion. Howard played the clip which was actually fake Trump talking about religion. Howard said it's a fascinating interview. He said it goes on and on.
Howard said if you want the kook vote you have to do the religion thing. Howard played more of the fake Trump clip and said that just wait and see. He said that there are some kooks out there. He played more of the clip and they had fake Trump quoting more of the bible stuff in the wrong way. Howard said over in England they're attacking trump.
Howard said all he knows is that he and Robin will have full access to the White House if he wins. Howard said they'll be the most powerful people in the world. Howard said they'll have the ear of the president. Howard said it's going to be great. Howard said he can't even think about what he wants. He said they'll go to Camp David and put it on the Howard 360 deal.
Howard said over in England if you have enough names on a petition you have to debate it. Howard said they were talking about it between law makers over there. Howard played some audio of them talking about Trump and calling him a buffoon and other names. Howard said don't start a fight with Trump or he'll blow them up. Howard said this clip sounds like a Peter Sellers movie. He and Robin were doing their Inspector Clouseau impressions goofing on what these people were saying.
Howard read about what Janet Hubert (Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) was saying about Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. Howard said that there are other people talking about Will and Jada too. Howard had some quotes from Alexis Arquette who is calling out Will and Jada as well. Howard went through that story and Alexis is claiming that Will and Jada aren't even a couple. Howard said that Snoop Dogg went right to it too. Howard played a clip of Snoop talking about how he won't be watching the Oscars this year. Howard said Sharpton was also talking about it.
Robin said just because you end up with all white nominees doesn't mean something is wrong. Howard said he hears her on that.
Howard said that he didn't beat off last night for those who were wondering. Robin asked about the Howard 360 thing and if it's reality. Howard said it's going to be awesome but it hasn't been invented yet. Howard said he met with various people about it and they're working on it. Howard said he was told it was crazy years ago but then this negotiation happened and now they're ready to do it. Howard said now they're working on it with him and other people. Howard said it will change the way people view media. Howard said this is no hype. He said it will change the industry.
Howard said he's not even sure if it can be pulled off. He said he's at the point where he's already studying... well you'll see. Howard said he's actually writing code. Fred played some Morse code. Howard said he's writing Morse code. They went to break after that.
Howard played a clip of Gary talking to Medicated Pete about this thing. Gary said he heard about Pete using their name to get into Exotica-Con. Pete said he didn't know what to say. Pete said he's sorry for using Howard's name. Gary said maybe they can turn it into a positive. He said he was thinking that since he works for Life Beat that he can raise awareness for AIDS by calling the show and telling Howard that he has AIDS. Pete agreed to it so Gary told him to say he had sex with a monkey and that's how he got AIDS. Pete questioned that but said okay to it. Gary pretended to be Howard and had Pete do his thing. Pete said that he got AIDS from having sex with a monkey. Pete said he was coming out and saying that he is HIV positive. Gary, as Howard, asked how that happened. Pete said he was fooling around and one thing led to another. Gary asked if it was a male monkey. Pete said he thinks it might have been. Gary asked if he fucked the monkey or did the monkey fuck him. Pete said he thinks he fucked the monkey but he was drunk. Gary asked if he came inside the monkey. Pete said he did. Gary told him that was good and this was a good thing he was doing.
Howard said now they have Pete on the line and they'll see what he has to say today. Howard went to the phone and picked up on Medicated Pete. They pretended they were just now finding out he was on the line. Howard said they all know that Pete was a valued intern there for a while. Howard asked what line he was on. Gary said give him 2 more seconds. Howard said that he was a very trusted and valued intern.
Howard got Pete on the phone and said happy new year to him. Pete got on and talked to Robin about seeing her on the weekend. Howard said Robin said he just said ''so what's up'' for a half hour. Howard asked Pete what's going on. Pete said he just got tested and found out he's HIV positive. Howard asked how he got laid. Pete told Howard that he was in a drunken stupor over the weekend and he must have been really drunk. He said he thought there was a hot chick next to him and he didn't know what was going on so he wasn't wearing protection. Robin asked if he got it on with the hot chick. Pete said it turned out to be a fucking monkey. Howard asked if he fucked a monkey and got AIDS. Pete said that's what happened. Howard said that they've lost half the Wack Pack to death and now he's saying he has AIDS from having sex with a monkey. Pete said he just went for it. Howard asked how he thinks it was a chick. Howard asked if it was a boy or a girl monkey. Pete said he hopes it was a girl. Howard said he hopes he's not lying about this because that's not funny.
Pete said he was out of it and he's not sure what happened. Howard asked if the monkey blew him. Pete said he thinks so but he doesn't remember. Howard asked if he put it in the ass or the vagina. Pete said he was so drunk that he's not sure what happened. Robin asked if it was male or female. Pete said he hopes it was female but he's not sure. Howard said he's so sorry to hear this.
Howard asked why he would go in the ass of a female monkey. Pete said he wasn't really paying attention. Howard asked if he's going to die soon. Pete said he has to go to the doctor and have it checked out again. Pete said he hopes they change the diagnosis. Howard asked if the monkey had a cock or a clit. Pete said he doesn't recall. Howard asked if he jerked it off at all. Pete said he was really drunk. Pete said he probably did. Howard said that's fucking crazy. Robin told him he should stop drinking.
Howard said this is very serious so he hopes that this isn't a lie. Howard asked if he was at a zoo or something. He said maybe someone set him up. Howard said they were probably goofing on him and figured he was really hard up. Howard said he thinks that he's embarrassed to admit it was with a male monkey.
Howard asked how long he has to live. Pete said he's going back to talk to him today. Howard said he has doctors he can hook him up with. Howard said he has to let him know. Pete said he didn't tell the doctor how he got it. Howard asked if he wants his doctor. Pete said no. Howard said that he should wear a condom even with a monkey. Pete said he's right. Howard asked what position he was in. Pete said he was so drunk he doesn't remember. Howard asked if he should start a fund raiser for him. Pete said no, don't do that. Howard said he has to raise some money for his cause. Howard said he insists. Pete kept saying no. Howard asked if he finished inside the monkey. Pete said maybe he did.
Howard said Pete might have a drinking problem. Howard said the donations are pouring in unless he's lying. Howard said half a million has come in already. Pete stuck with the story. Howard said good luck with that. Robin said he has to abstain from sex now. Pete said that's going to be a problem. Howard asked where the monkey is now. Pete said he doesn't know. Howard asked what the monkey's name was. Pete said he forgets. Howard said he should tell people. Howard said people should know. Pete said he doesn't remember. Howard said he has to know. Pete said he forgets. Howard said first Charlie Sheen gets HIV and now Pete.
Howard said Gary is going to come in to tell him something. Pete sighed. Gary came in and said that call he made to him was a prank and he's not in trouble and he doesn't have AIDS and he didn't fuck a monkey. Howard asked Pete why he would agree to that. Pete laughed. Gary said he felt bad all yesterday after that. Howard said Pete does not have AIDS and he didn't fuck a monkey that he knows of.
Gary said Pete came up with the whole scenario about how he fucked the monkey. Howard asked how long that took to come up with. Pete said he just thought of it on the fly. Howard said he's awesome. Howard said that's nothing you want to go around saying even in jest. Pete said he knows. He said it's just silly.
Pete said he knows not to drop Howard's name. He apologized for that. Howard said they accept. Howard said they have taught him a lesson.
Howard asked Pete what he's doing today. Pete said he's volunteering at a hospital so he has to go for an orientation thing. Howard said that seems nice. Howard asked what he's going to say if they ask if he fucked a monkey. Pete said he'll say no. Howard told him not to use his name anymore. Pete said he won't. He said it was a Freudian slip. Howard said he used his name to get tickets to a show. Howard said next week Gary is going to have him call in and admit he's part of ISIS. Howard let Pete go after that. Howard said that was a good bit. Robin said he really carried it off. Howard said it was awesome.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that was next level shit that he admitted to that. Howard said he was going to play it on Monday but it was too good. He said he had to play it today. The caller said that might make him the best Wack Packer. Howard said he had a great story.
The caller asked if Amy Schumer didn't give him any accolades at the Critics Awards the other night. Howard said he heard that people were pissed about that. Howard said he didn't know that she won. Howard said it would have been nice if she had thanked him but he's not pissed. He said he thinks that he did help her in some way by backing her all these years. Howard said that they've had a shitload of people who have gotten work from being on this show. Howard said that Richard Belzer got on Homicide because of this show. Howard said it would be a great thing if someone got up and said something. Howard said he wasn't pissed or angry. He said he likes Amy a lot. Howard said she doesn't owe him anything though.
Howard said Benjy swore to him that if he wins anything for Sharknado he'll thank him. Howard said that's enough for him. Howard said no one watched the Critic's Choice Awards anyway. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that was a great conversation he had with his mom about the watch. Howard said she was asking about someone talking into their watch at the diner. Howard said that they don't keep up with any of this stuff. He said he'd have to push them into it. Howard said they didn't even want voicemail on their phone. Howard said his mother calls a computer ''the machine.'' Howard said they want nothing to do with the technology. Howard said his mom wanted directions to something and she went to ''the girl'' at some information desk and she printed something up for her and gave it to her. Howard said that she went on ''the machine'' and printed it out.
Howard said he knows people their age who use computers. He said he knows his dad would love to look at porn on the computer. Howard said he's freak out. Howard said he's sure that if you went through his history that it would be porn after porn. Howard did his mother's voice talking about finding porn on the machine.
Howard said that his mother would tell him about things his sister saw on the machine. Howard said that he'll tell her that she's probably on Facebook and his mom won't know what Facebook is. Howard said he tells her that she could have that too but she says they'll just wait for Ellen to show up with it. Howard said they still need things printed out. Howard said they're like Amish.
Howard said his mother seems to know how to use voicemail but no one calls them. Howard said they had 5 friends and they're all dead now. Howard said you get to a certain age and you don't even contact your friends. Howard said his mother will hear about friends dying through Ellen. Howard said he won't tell them. Howard said he will be asked to tell them something but he won't depress them with that news. He said his mother has a meltdown when she finds out about people dying. Howard said he doesn't tell his mother anything. He said the assholes in his family tell her instead. Howard said then she cries to him for 2 hours. Howard said stop calling his mother. He said he has it under control. He said the life he has created for his mother is happy. That's until some fucknut calls her and tells her who died.
Howard said he's in this whole thing alone. Howard said that his mother will start crying and things get worse so he keeps all of that news from them. Howard said that her friends will call and tell her the bad news. Howard said then he has to hear about it. He said she'll call him and cry about it once they tell her the news. Howard said he doesn't tell his mother anything bad. Howard said he has created a world for her that's like My Little Pony. Howard said they're a bunch of dummies for telling her the bad news. Howard said everybody get out of his god damn life. Howard said he juggles it all and he's ready to explode when he gets home.
Howard said don't tell his parents anything. He said they don't need to know. Howard said everyone is sharing information with them. Howard said he didn't tell his parents when he had the weird blood test results. Howard said he thought he was dying. Howard said that Glenn Frey died from the medication they were giving him for his arthritis. Howard said that's what they're saying now. Howard said he thought he was dying but he didn't bother anyone. Howard said he didn't tell his mother. He said she can't do anything about it.
Howard said he can imagine what his mother would do if he told her about the news. Robin said he was driving himself crazy and he doesn't need that going on with his mom. Howard said she'd be asking him what he did to himself. Howard said he would just say ''I don't know.'' Howard did his impression of his mother asking about the blood test. He had her blaming him for piercing his ears.
Howard said there was a time a couple of years ago that his mother heard that her friend died. Howard said he called her as the friend and told her that they're doing well and he's as healthy as a horse. Howard said that he saved Robin's life so he didn't have to tell his mother. Howard said she was a mess over Robin. Howard said he's not sure how she knew. He said she shouldn't have known.
Howard had Fred play a warning about how the show was about to get gay with The Bachelor talk. Howard said that the girls on the show are all hot and that's all that matters. Robin said that some of the girls aren't that hot but then they strip down to a bikini and you're like ''Whoa!''
Howard said he should probably take a break but fuck that. He took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks Trump will be upset that Palin's son got into legal trouble yesterday. Howard said he doesn't think so. Howard said people listen to her. He said especially the tea party assholes. Howard said that they will listen to Palin out in Iowa. Howard said he's not even sure what the son did. Robin said she'll have more during the news. Howard said they'll find out then.
Howard took a call from Wolfie and said that he should get to some of his stuff. Howard said they have to credit Wolfie for telling them about Medicated Pete using his name to get into that expo. Howard said that Wolfie went to that Exotica Adult Expo thing. Howard played a clip of Wolfie talking to a guy about where he has masturbated. Wolfie said he was getting phone numbers from some of these guys because he thinks they should be arrested. Howard played more of this guy talking about jerking off on a beach. He talked about some of the people he banged in Thailand too. He was talking about the lady boys that he had and some of the young women he was with. Wolfie said that he said he may have been with a 12 year old. The guy said he was offered an 8 year old boy over there too.
Howard had a clip of a guy talking about bestiality and how he'd like it to be legal. The guy was also talking about how he saw a movie where a woman got a horse off by giving it oral.
Howard had another clip of a disabled guy talking about how he'd like to see prostitution made legal. Howard said he gets that. The guy was saying that it discriminates against handicapped people. Wolfie said that guy had really short legs. Howard asked if they're like those little hands on that chick on Saturday Night Live. Wolfie said it was like the guys in Mad Max who had the stilts. Howard said that movie sucked. Howard said Hitman 47 is the worst movie ever made but he loved it. Howard said this guy just kills people and he loves it. Robin said she warned him that Mad Max sucked. Howard said it really was bad.
Howard asked if this guy had tiny feet too. Wolfie said he did. He said he had crutches for his arms. Howard said they're all for medical prostitution. Howard said he's not really against it. He said that it's a very blurry line. Robin said people don't like it because it comes into your neighborhood. Robin said if it was medical then it wouldn't be an issue.
Howard played a clip of the disabled guy talking about sex dolls. The guy said he has a blow up doll and on the boxy it says the name is Lacy. The guy talked about how he cleans it up too.
Howard said that it must be embarrassing going to those events and get autographs. Wolfie said that other guy admitted to having sex with a 15 year old. He doesn't think they care.
Howard played another clip of a guy talking about throwing his cum stained sheets in the washer to get the stains out. He also said he has shot a load 9 feet. Howard said JD jerks off into his sheets too. He said that's why they were grossed out by the not cleaning his sheets thing for a year. Robin said that she was thinking about getting sick and things like that. Howard said they could get JD's whole family history in his sheets.
Howard asked JD if he came on his sheets. JD said he never did that. He came into his t-shirts. Howard asked why he doesn't use tissues. JD said he has but it's not enough sometimes. Howard said that he uses 3. Howard asked if he blows his nose into his sheets too. JD said no. He said he uses paper towels or tissues. JD said he's used them for his loads too. JD said he can say whatever and it doesn't matter. JD said he's used all of that. Howard played a song parody about JD's sheets. Howard said that song was perfect.
Wolfie said Howard prepares for his jerking off. Howard said he has 3 tissues for his initial blast. Howard said JD acts surprised every time. Howard said after he blasts he has two tissues waiting to wrap up his penis. He said then he shimmies over to the toilet and he has more to wipe down. Howard said he has a whole plan. Wolfie said JD can't be jerking off into his shirt every time. JD said it's not like that. He said he mainly uses paper towels. Howard said that's not true. JD said it doesn't matter what he says because they won't believe him. Howard played another song parody about his dirty sheets. Howard said even the people at the expo clean their sheets.
Howard played another clip of a guy talking about going to the booths and seeing a guy blowing another guy in a glory hole.
Howard said that he doesn't believe JD uses paper towels. JD said he doesn't care. Howard played another song parody about JD's filthy sheets. Howard asked if he throws his shirts away. JD said yes. Howard asked how he can afford that. JD said he's done talking about it. Howard said alright. Fred did his JD voice and talked more about it. Howard said if you blow a load in a shirt do you wash it and make it the go to shirt. JD said he threw it away. Howard said JD is up to some weird, hard core shit.
Howard let Wolfie go after that. He said that's what Medicated Pete used his name to go to. Howard said that's when all the trouble began. Howard said that's when Gary told him that he had to admit he had AIDS and had sex with a monkey to get it. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and said this is a good song. He asked who does that. Robin didn't know. Howard talked it up like he was at WNBC. Howard said he told Fred to go off his playlist on his computer. Howard said he's pulling it off his computer playlist. Fred looked it up and said that was Jesus Jones.
Howard said Whitney Cummings is there. Howard said David Spade called her a work horse. Howard said women love being compared to a horse. Whitney said compared to David Spade everyone is a work horse. She said she loves David. Howard said it looks like she's lost some weight since the last time she was on. Howard said he likes her frosted hair too. Howard asked if men want to tell her how to be or what way to be. Howard said in her new HBO special she talks about an email she got from Chris Rock. She said it was actually a phone call she got from HBO. Howard said she was told to wear her hair down by Chris Rock. Howard asked if he thinks she's funnier with her hair down. Whitney said that any notes he has for her she'll take. Howard said you'd think he'd be giving advice on her delivery or something. Whitney said maybe that's all the notes he had for her.
Whitney said that she got the call and HBO told her that they thought she should wear her hair down. She said she wears it up because it's like a sport to her. She said she wears sneakers on stage. Howard said Whitney is saying that she's not worried about how she looks but how she feels. Whitney said that's right. She said if she has hair in her face then people are looking at that. Howard said that it can be distracting. Howard asked if Whitney thought HBO was blaming Chris Rock for the notes. Whitney said when she puts her hair up she gets compliments. Howard said when her hair is down he's way more interested in her. Whitney said she's never putting it up again then.
Howard said Chris Rock told him that she should go panty-less in her next session. Whitney laughed. Howard said it's funny that Chris would make that observation. Whitney said that she's met Chris a few times. She said that he came up to her once and asked if her family hated her yet. She said that he gets it and he knew it was just a matter of time before someone hates you for giving them money.
Howard said that Whitney finds that Chris is a great person to go to for advice. Howard said her hair is down in this HBO special. Whitney said it is and it's such a big difference. Howard said everyone is excited about this news. Howard said imagine Chris realized this big thing. Whitney said you see her trying to manage it on stage.
Howard said Whitney is on the show Undateable and she did something spectacular. The show is live and Whitney has been doing some great stuff. Whitney said that she is on the show with Chris D'Elia who played her love interest on her show ''Whitney''. She said it's great. Howard said that she made out with Flat Ronnie on the show too. She said she did and she got a paper cut on her lip.
Howard said that he played a clip this morning where Whitney talks about anal being normal now. Howard said that everyone is doing it. Howard said Whitney talks about how guys kind of expect it now. Whitney said she doesn't want to blame porn but it's so normalized in porn now that you can't not see it. She said it's so regular in it. Howard said it seems almost R-rated if there is no anal. Whitney said that there are so many people doing it now and she doesn't think guys get that you can't go back and forth. Whitney said that it requires a lot of trust to do it. She said that it might go south. She said something might get dirty or might not. Howard said that doody can come out. Whitney said it's never happened to her but it is in her head. She said that's your worst nightmare.
Howard asked if she washes back there every time. Whitney said that she does. She said she doesn't douche her asshole though. Howard asked Whitney if she doesn't eat certain foods or a lot of food. Whitney said that she can do it once a week and then hit the buffet the rest of the week. Howard said that she must want to make a big doody to get it out.
Whitney said she has only done it with one guy and she's never felt like she's going to poop. She said that she hasn't done it a ton either. Howard said that Robin didn't even use lube back there. Whitney said that she's a hero. She said that's wife material. Howard said Robin was way into anal before everyone else. Whitney said she did it before it was cool. Whitney said it's kind of primal. She said that it's the man being the man and you have to turn the power over to the man.
Howard said that Whitney says in her HBO special that times have changed and women with money are going out with guys who don't have so much money. Howard said in the bedroom the man gets the power back. Whitney said that's right. She said that guys used to coddle her in bed but now they're beating the shit out of her in bed and that's how they get their equilibrium back. She said there is a low grade anger that guys have. She said they talk about hitting that or destroying that or even slaughtering that. She said it's a horrible visual.
Howard said the best point she makes in her special is men who say they want a nice girl to take home. Howard said she wonders what kind of women men really want. Whitney said that it's way more complicated than she thought. She said there are guys who haven't had anal and she dated one last year. She said she was co-dependant and she had to go into a 12 step program to get over that. She said it's like alcoholism without the alcohol. She said she has to stay away from people like that. Howard asked how the drug addiction thing is going in her family. Whitney said that it's happening. She said that she would attract the wrong men because of that. She said that she'd need to save guys and things like that to recreate her childhood experiences.
Whitney said that her therapist told her that men don't want to be loved they just want to be respected. She said that all of these bells went off in her head. She said that she has to be with a guy she respects.
Howard asked what the hell was up with the New Years Eve thing she did on NBC. Whitney said she doesn't know. Howard asked if she fucked Stamos after that. Whitney said she didn't. She said Stamos is very neurotic and needy. She said that's who she would have dated 5 years ago. Howard said he felt like she was throwing herself at him. Whitney said that she didn't think so. Howard said they were playing game night and she was throwing herself at him. Whitney said it's the one night you can do that and not get arrested. She said that she was also trying to hold him up because he threw his back out.
Howard asked what a Nuvaring is. He said she talks about it in her special. Whitney said she has never used it but it's a birth control thing. Whitney said she takes the pill and she has never done the Nuvaring thing. Whitney said she learned that birth control works because the stuff makes your body think you're pregnant so you are attracted to different men. She said that she is attracted to alpha males because of that. Whitney said the Nuvaring is a thing you jam into your hoo-ha. She said it releases some kind of birth control but guys say they can feel it up there. She said that it has to be screwing people up. She said we put so much into our bodies and it has to be messing us up.
Howard asked if there is a lot of blood when the period actually comes. Whitney said that she breaks out with acne on her face. She said that happened on New Years Eve.
Howard asked Whitney about guys who have kids when they're too old. She talks about that in the special too. Whitney said that when you have a kid at 70 it's like you only want to have the kid for like 10 years. She said that they don't want to be around when the kid has an opinion.
Whitney told Howard she froze her eggs. Howard said he heard about that. Whitney said she was ashamed to talk about that. Howard said she talks about anal and shitting so why be ashamed? Howard asked if she has a doody every day. Whitney said she does. She said sometimes twice. Howard asked why she froze her eggs. Whitney said she's 33 and people start to rot. She said that it's getting too late. She said that she is afraid that she's going to settle for someone who isn't good enough just to get it over with.
Howard gave Whitney a plug for her HBO special which is called ''I'm Your Girlfriend'' and premiers on Saturday on HBO.
Howard asked Whitney about the egg thing. Whitney said that no guy knows how it works. Whitney said that she didn't know how painful it was going to be. She said that she felt like it was unfair that she had to do that to be able to have a kid some day but a guy can do it until the day he dies. Howard said that you'd think a 40 year old mother would be a better mother than a 15 year old but the 15 year old can have a baby.
Whitney told Howard about how she had to have hormone shots every day for the egg thing. She said that she sent Howard's wife a shot of her getting the hormones. Howard asked if they talk about him when they talk. Whitney said that she has puppy love for Howard. She said that Beth gets blushes and things from Howard. Whitney said that Beth says that he's so cute and gets giddy over it.
Howard asked how they get the eggs out. Whitney said that you get the shots and they check to see how many follicles you have. She said you end up looking pregnant from that. She said they had to give her something to give her a period first. She said that they end up doing the hormone thing and she was injecting air bubbles into herself. She said that's really dangerous. Whitney said that she was on a vacation and she had to take the hormones with her on the plane. Whitney said you go in and they go in through your vagina and they suck them out one by one. She said that they got 18 and one of them was retarded. She said that they can look at it and tell. Howard said this is an insurance policy for her to have a kid some day. Whitney said she could have a surrogate do it for her too. She said she can outsource it.
Howard asked if they could have a contest where a listener wins one of her eggs. Whitney said that would be so great. Howard asked if she worries about her eggs. Whitney said she feels like a dead beat mom. Howard asked if she has named the eggs. Whitney said she doesn't want to be too attached.
Howard asked if Whitney is any closer to being married yet. Howard said he heard that she's seeing a doctor. Whitney said she took 10 months off from dating. Howard asked if she masturbated. Whitney said of course she did. Howard told her about Chelsea Handler saying she took a whole year off and didn't even do that. Whitney said she took 10 months off but didn't stop masturbating.
Howard asked if she is closer to falling in love with a man or is she just not there yet. Whitney said that she is closer to knowing what love is supposed to feel like. Howard said if she's in love then her hands wouldn't have been all over Stamos. Howard asked if she is just seeing the one guy. Whitney said she is. Howard asked if she's being normal around him. Whitney said she's working really hard on keeping her demons in check and she's no longer going to men to fix her. Howard asked if he is a real doctor or a chiropractor. She said he's a real doctor.
Whitney told Howard she got cheated on last year. She said she's not saying who it was though. She said she feels like she can't be close to Howard until she has a regular guy. She said she forgets that Howard is the most famous guy in the world and she's bringing some stranger to his house. She said it's dangerous. Howard said there is a discussion about if they even want Whitney in the house. Whitney said she has to get her shit together. She said that one of the guys she brought to the house wanted to fight Beth. Howard said that's a story that he'll tell one day. Whitney said that she knocked Beth down and then the guy wanted to fight Beth. She said it was a crazy day.
Whitney told Howard about this guy who cheated on her. She said that she was seeing this guy and she thought it was so funny because she lost her cell phone in the theater and she borrowed his phone for maybe 10 minutes and he was getting texts from other women and one of them was in the phone as Sandylicious. Howard said Whitney came up as Whitney. Whitney said she came up as Brunette Loud. Whitney said she had to get out of that relationship. She said it hurts her more because she used to cheat in her 20s and you know what it's like to do that.
Howard asked if the guy tried to explain it to her. Whitney said he did and he told her that it was just a friend. She said that no friend is under that name.
Howard said that Whitney met this doctor when she was just 19 but there was no romance. Whitney said she was just a kid. Now she's in a relationship with the guy. Howard said he probably won't beat up Beth. Whitney said she won't tell Howard what kind of doctor he is.
Howard said Whitney has done threesomes and she's messed around with girls. Whitney said she's a girl's girl but that's not her thing. She said she did it when she was like 20. She said she was licking it like a cat laps up milk. Howard asked if the other girl licked her. Whitney said she did but she didn't orgasm. She said she didn't orgasm until about 3 years ago. Howard asked if she can cum from a penis inside her. Whitney said she has but she has a Charlie horse by the time she gets there. Howard said she sounds like a lot of work. Whitney said she has a hard time receiving.
Howard asked what her position is for cumming. Whitney said that it's not doggy. She said that's like the opposite.
Howard said that Whitney has a great outfit on today. He said she has to take that top off. Whitney said she's dressed very 90s today. She said no one dresses up anymore. She said she had to dress up. Howard asked if she's wearing a bra. She said she isn't. Whitney said she might be single after this interview.
Howard gave Whitney some plugs for her special and Whitney said that Howard has been instrumental in opening her up. She said that she feels safe to be vulnerable now that she's been on Howard's show. Howard said she doesn't have to be funny, it's interesting to just talk. Howard asked if she feels she's arrived as a comedienne now. Whitney said that she feels she has to get better. She said she just wants to get better.
Howard said it says on the web that she's worth $5 million. Howard said he's on that web site Celebrity Net Worth every day. Whitney said that she plays with it too. She said that they should play with Daisy Fuentes. Howard guessed 12 million. Whitney said 20 million. Robin said she's saying 30. Howard asked Siri what Daisy Fuentes' worth is. Siri showed that she sells $300 million a year with her clothing line. Howard said she picked a good one. Howard said her net worth is $45 million. Howard said there is no America. Howard said this is ridiculous. Whitney said you haven't even seen her face in 20 years.
Whitney said they should play with Suzanne Somers. Robin guessed 55 million. Whitney said 70 and Howard said 87 million. Howard asked Siri to find the information. Siri came up with some information and it was $100 million. Howard said he wins.
Whitney had Howard guess at the Girls Gone Wild guy. His name is Joe Francis. Howard had Siri look up the guy who Whitney Cummings had anal with. Howard checked it out and it said Will Smith. Howard said it was a welder who gave her anal. Howard said Joe has to be worth 250 million. Whitney said she's going to say 200 million. She wondered about Lance Armstrong too. Howard had Siri look up Joe Francis. Siri found some info and Howard said it's $50 million. Whitney said it must be from a lot of lawsuits.
Howard wrapped up and said that they've said it all. Whitney said that Howard will say to someone really famous that ''You've said it all'' when he wants to wrap up. Then he'll throw out a really incendiary question at the end. Howard asked Whitney about a guy asking her to squirt on the second date. Whitney said she can't tell if guys are really into it or not. Robin said Ronnie and Flat Ronnie are both into it. Howard gave Whitney some more plugs and then went to break. You can find out more at WhitneyCummings.com. They played Porno for Pyros ''Pets'' as they were going to break.
Howard came back and asked what Fred was playing. Robin said it's Otis Redding. Howard sang along with the song a little bit. Then Howard had to do a live commercial read.
Howard said before they get to news he has a clip of Khloe Kardashian making a phony phone call to a diner. Howard said they wanted to see how far a diner will go to be on TV. Howard said they'll do anything to be on TV. Howard played the clip and Khloe was asking the restaurant owner if they could film the show there. Khloe said she wanted to bring her sisters there and if it's okay that they show some cleavage. The woman said that was fine as long as they're having fun. Khloe asked if they have insurance there and if it would cover breaking things and stuff like that. The woman didn't know what their policy covered. Khloe asked if they had any employees who have medical conditions in case there's a fight. Khloe said she can't have her face fucked up but maybe the Bus Boys can gang bang her sisters. The woman said hopefully they'll see her soon. Khloe said she's even up for a little fisting.
Howard said she's ready for action. He took a call from Mark in Boston who asked if he has anything stuck in his head like the ''Noine, noine, noine, noine, noine...'' thing. He said he has that and a song parody about Robin in his head. Howard said he does the noine thing to Gary when he sees him. Mark asked Howard to dig up the song parody if he could. Howard said he understands stuff getting stuck in his head.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if Howard and Beth think about not inviting Gary to a party because he might annoy someone. Howard said they do think about stuff like that. He said you do think about the guest list. Howard said that was a fascinating question.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they brought up the Pat Robertson comments about David Bowie. Howard said he did say something about rock stars being possessed by demons. The caller asked if he would have him on the phone to talk to him about that. Howard said that he would interview him. He said this guy uses religion in the most bizarre way. Howard said that he doesn't think he could shake the guy anyway. He said he'd just brush it off.
The caller also asked Robin to stay inside and not go out so she doesn't get sick again. Howard said that's what he does. He said the last two nights he's gone to bed at like 6 o'clock. Howard said he's falling apart. Howard said yesterday he could barely move his head.
Howard had a clip of some preachers talking about flying on private jets. He said they claim they can get there faster so that's why they do it. Howard played the clip of the preachers talking about the plane that god so graciously ''gave us.'' The guy was talking about how he flies on the private jet so he can have a conversation with god because he can't do that on a commercial jet. Howard said that sounds like ISIS kind of stuff. Howard said as soon as you mention religion that's what happens. Howard said these guys think that the higher up you are the better God can hear them.
Howard played a clip of one of the preachers talking about flying with Oral Roberts and why he had to fly private. Howard did an impression of these guys and goofed on them for a short time. Howard played more audio and the preachers were talking about their flying private planes. One guy said they're in the soul business and they have a dying country around them.
Howard said this guy should be bankrupt. He said he should be broke. Howard said he's in the make believe business. Howard did more of his impression of the guy and goofed on them for a couple more minutes. He was making stuff up about their flying on private jets. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the worst passwords of 2015. Robin said that the worst is 123456. Howard said his are like ''Howard.'' He said he doesn't care. He said 123456 is too complicated. Robin read about some of the other terrible passwords like the word password or dragon or football. Robin said StarWars is another one that made the list. Robin said Welcome or Login are more of the worst. Howard said that maybe it's Noine. Howard said his should be AnalBloodFart. Howard said they tell you to have a random password but who can remember them? No one. Howard said Fred's password is BenjysBeardIsGross69.
Robin read a story about a football player who says that he regrets playing football and if he could go back in time he would never have played. Robin said the 36 year old suffers from memory loss and other things from playing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Whitney Cummings was great and he has to hook him up with her. He said he works in radio in L.A. He said that he works for KGLA out there. He said he's mixed race. Howard said he is too. Howard said he's mixed up. The caller said he wishes that everyone would try to fix their lives like Whitney has. He said it's just so cool. Howard said he likes hearing this guy's voice. Howard said it's just so entertaining. Howard asked what his air name is. The guy said it's Don Ameche. Howard said he has a smooth ass voice. Howard said everyone in radio had that when he was starting out. Don said Howard has gotten better. Howard said you just have to relax on the air and get it going.
Howard did his radio guy voice and talked to Don about radio for a short time. Howard asked if he has done any Radio Graffiti. Don said he has not and has no idea what that is. Howard asked if he does the Phrase that Pays at all. Don said they don't. He said he's not sure what they're doing over there. He said they just regurgitate what they see on the internet. Don was doing his radio voice and going back and forth with Howard. They were doing a countdown voice and things like that. Howard said he could probably fuck Whitney if he had her on his radio show. Howard said she does spend most of her time in L.A. Don said he'd love to just go out to dinner with her and analyze her to death. Howard said maybe he'll mention it to her. Don thanked him for that in his deep radio voice.
Howard said he loves the people in his industry. Howard told him to check in with him next week. He said he'll see what he can do about setting him up with Whitney. Howard had Don talk up a song and then let him go.
Howard said they have to get back to Robin with the news. He was still doing his radio guy voice. Robin read a story about Caitlyn Jenner who is about to publish a memoir. Howard said Robin just won the phrase that pays. She said that she's going to win one of Whitney Cummings' eggs. Howard talked up the AC/DC song that Fred was playing.
Robin read more about Caitlyn Jenner's new book and who Caitlyn will be writing it with. Robin went through all of that and Howard said he can't wait to get a copy of the audio book so he can cut it up and make phony phone calls with it. He asked for an advance copy of that.
Robin read about how chocolate covered French fries are coming to McDonald's. Robin said fast food fans will either love them or hate them. Howard said all of the assholes at McDonald's said that JD's ass wasn't big enough so they're coming up with that. He said JD's ass is only the size of a small whale. Howard said those mother fuckers won't advertise on his show but they'll watch every kid in America get fat.
Robin read a story about Jamie Foxx saving someone from an accident. Robin said the man was trapped in a burning car. Robin said that Jamie says that he rushed to the scene when he heard the sound in front of his home. Howard said he runs the other way. Howard said he wouldn't run to the car. Robin had some audio of Jamie talking about pulling the guy out and then the car went up in flames. Robin had more details about what Foxx did to get the guy out. He had a tool he used to cut the guy out of his seat belt. Howard asked what tool he had. Robin wasn't sure. Robin had a clip of the victim's father talking about how grateful he is. Howard said the next time he sees Jamie he's going to give him a cape. Howard said he's going to carry around the jaws of life in his purse from now on.
Howard said about 20 years ago he saw an accident in Florida when he was out running. He said he saw an accident and he ran up to it to see if everyone was okay. He said he was going to run ahead and call the cops. He said he did that but didn't go back. Howard said Ted Kennedy called the cops but 2 days after his accident.
Howard said a couple of guys there saw a woman get mugged and they didn't do anything about it. Jason came in and said that it was a big group of guys. He said it was like 12 of them in Amsterdam. He said they all just stood there and watched it happen. He said a woman got mugged. Jason said that they saw this guy taking the woman's purse and the guy rode right past them and they did nothing. He said he's not proud of it but he is alive and talking to Howard about it.
Robin read a story about how the pressure is rising for Chris Rock to drop out of the Oscars this year. Robin said Donald Trump has said that it's a tough one. Howard said it really is. Howard said there are black people some years and others there aren't. Howard said that it's the dumbest fucking show on the planet anyway. He said it's actors getting puffed up for acting. Robin said there is some economic value there though. Robin said it does raise their salary. Howard said Trump is right. Robin had a clip of Trump talking about that. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about what he imagines Chris Rock will be doing at the Oscars and he thinks it'll be funny. Robin said George Clooney is also weighing in.
Robin and Howard were talking about Leonardo DiCaprio and how they only hear from him when he's talking about climate change. Howard said that's because he's out there banging every chick. Howard said that he has to talk about that to get off the hook for fucking so many women. Howard said women can look past that if he talks about climate change. Robin had some audio of Leo talking about climate change.
Robin read a story about Stephen Hawking talking about how there will be a natural disaster in the next 1000 years or so. Robin said when it strikes Earth the human race may be able to survive only in colonies on other planets. Howard said they finally found a guy more depressing than Scott the Engineer. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a report that says Germany is the best country in the world. Howard said that's just not true. Robin said that they have decided that it's not us. Howard said his family isn't going to be tricked by that again. Howard said that we are the best country. Howard said that Germany was the best at killing Jews. Robin read about how they rated the countries and came up with that. Robin said the U.S. is ranked at number 4. Howard said no way. Robin said Germany, Canada and then the UK are before us. Howard said we are number 1.
Robin said they say that Jihadi John's death has been confirmed. Robin said that he was known for being in ISIS execution videos. Robin said ISIS has done a eulogy for the guy and say he was killed in a drone strike.
Robin read a story about the Pakistani Taliban taking credit for an attack on a university. Robin said that they say that 4 of the attackers have been killed. Howard said we need Jamie Foxx over there. He said everyone else is so cowardly. Howard said his crew stands around while women are being mugged. Howard said Jamie Foxx would jump right in.
Robin read about how Bernie Sanders has a big lead over Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire. Robin had some details about that.
Howard did a live commercial read while Robin had a coughing fit. Howard played a clip of fake Jeff Goldblum singing a song to Robin while she tried to get over her cough.
Howard said he just got word that Jamie Foxx just flew around the world backwards to go back in time to save the woman being mugged in Amsterdam.
Robin had some audio of Sarah Palin speaking and when Howard started playing it he got scared. It was Palin speaking in a really high voice. Howard said she makes it so hard to jerk off to her. Robin said Sarah has endorsed Trump. Robin said her son Track was also arrested for domestic violence yesterday. Robin said he was arrested for punching his girlfriend in the face and threatening suicide. Robin said he was charged with a few things. Howard said he had to listen to that voice his whole life.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that the tool used to save the guy from the burning car is called a life hammer and it has a hammer to break a window and a knife to cut your seat belt. He said his is called Rescue Me. Bobo said he has a center punch on his and that will break a window. He demonstrated it for Howard... over the phone. Howard said he's confused. He had to hang up on Bobo. Howard said he's not sure how Jamie Foxx had that tool on him. Robin said maybe he had a Swiss Army knife on him. Howard said he doesn't see that. Robin said she thinks he's really a super hero and he ran out with a utility belt on.
Robin had some audio of Rudy Giuliani talking about Sarah Palin's endorsement of Trump. He said it was a ringing endorsement. Howard had some edited clips of Palin saying some crazy stuff. Howard said he wants to make it clear that they chopped that stuff up.
Robin said Tracy Morgan was on Jimmy Fallon the other day talking about how he wants to go back into a coma now that he knows Trump is the front runner. Howard asked why he's not seeing Tracy in there. He said maybe he's not ready yet. Robin said that may be the case. Robin asked if he has called him. Howard said he tried when he was in going through his thing.
Robin said that Marco Rubio has a new commercial to try to attract the millenials. Robin had some audio of him talking about that.
Robin read a story about one of Ben Carson's campaign people being killed in a car crash yesterday.
Robin read about what one reporter is saying about the Eagles being one of the worst bands in the world. Howard said the guy didn't like their music. Gary asked why it had to be said today. Howard said no one is interested a week from now. Robin said that someone may never listen to them if they see that now. Robin said you can't say they're the worst band in the world.
Robin said that one of the blasters from Star Wars is being auctioned off. Robin said it's the Luke Skywalker blaster from Empire Strikes Back. Robin said that it was used for non-firing scenes. Robin said the bidding begins at $200,000.
Robin read about how Ghostface Killah is selling concentrated marijuana. Robin had some of his music for Howard to play. Robin had some audio from the infomercial he's got out for that stuff.
Robin read a story about a study that says you should get more rest on the weekends and it can help fight diabetes. Robin read some details about that study and wrapped up the news. Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Jon said he's going to hold off on Pete until Gary gets there. He said he knows Gary felt weird about the whole thing yesterday.
Jon asked Rahsaan what the poll is about today. Rahsaan said that they're asking if you keep depressing news from your parents.
Jon said he gets why Howard would want to keep his mother happy. Jon said it's about when other people tell them the bad news. Jon said they think they're doing a good thing but they don't receive the blowback that Howard gets from his mother. Jon said that she vents to Howard. Rahsaan said people get fragile at that age. He said it can have a bad effect on their health.
Gary came in and said that when his brother got sick they kept it from his parents for like a year. He said there was no reason to tell them at that time. Jon said that some people feel you should be straightforward and just do it. Gary said that it depends on what your family can absorb.
Gary said there were days that he'd come home and his mother would be crying. He said he'd ask what was wrong and she loved to absorb misery so she'd be crying over some stranger dying. Gary said that his mother's family liked bad news for some reason.
Jon said there are some people who love to give the bad news. Gary said he calls them the clarion of death. Gary said there are people he'd expect that from but these aren't those people. He said there was a guy who was the first one to tell him that Sam Kinison was dead. He said he remembers getting that call at like 6 in the morning.
Jon said that you're going to find out about it anyway so why be the first person. Gary said he got a text from Ross when Glenn Frey died and he can understand why he'd tell him because they're so close and he'd want to know that news.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Howard isn't giving his mother enough credit. She said that her father is like 80 and he has heard and seen it all. She said that Howard isn't giving Howard enough credit to his mother. She said that he should give her that credit because she can handle it. Gary said he thinks Howard is saying that she can't handle it. She asked why that is. Gary said it's because she gets so upset and feels so sad when she does get the news. The caller said it's over then. Gary said it's not over and that's what Howard is saying. Gary said he doesn't think that she heard what Howard was saying. She said she actually didn't hear it. She's just going by what they're saying. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Gary about the Medicated Pete thing. He said that Gary had to tell Pete to tell Howard that he had sex with a monkey and he got AIDS from it. Jon asked if it was eating away at him yesterday. Gary said he thinks he did a great job with it but he felt bad all day yesterday. He said he loves Pete. He said he felt he could have gotten him to admit to some murders and things like that. Jon said it's like the Netflix series Making a Murderer. He said one of the things in that series is like what they did today. Gary said that Pete followed his directions to the letter. He said Pete is a stand up guy. Jon said Pete copped to having sex with a monkey. Gary said they didn't think they'd get as far as they did with Pete. He said they figured he'd just say he's not going to do that.
Rahsaan asked if any part of Pete knew it was a prank. Gary said no. He said he doesn't feel that way at all. Jon said that he was going to do whatever it took to get back into Howard's good graces. Gary said he doesn't think he was thinking about anything else. Jon asked if the Wack Pack will learn their lesson or not. Gary said of course not. He said that's why they're the Wack Pack.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's sure Howard knows what's good for his mother. He said she's 88 and if he has to keep her happy that way then he should. Gary said he hit it on the head. He said Howard knows.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's not a Whitney Cummings fan but she gave a great interview today. He said that she had a line about Howard's penis when she said that her doctor boyfriend is in pediatrics so he could look at it.
The caller asked Gary if over the last few years people are getting to be more candid than they were in the past. He said in 2001 Mark Wahlberg said something about a co-star that could get him fired from a film today. Gary said he doesn't think they've been holding back more now than they have in the past.
Jon took a call from a guy who talked about giving people news when even their family doesn't know about it. Gary said he's had that happen. He said his mother got sick and he called his brother to tell him about what happened and people started posting stuff as soon as they heard. He said he hadn't even told his son yet. Gary said news can travel so fast.
Jon congratulated Gary on naming his dog Riley. Gary said that they put it up on Facebook yesterday and someone suggested it there. Gary said he just thought the name sounded good. Gary said the family liked the name but they don't know who Riley Martin is so it's not that much of a tribute to him. They went to break after that.
Jon said Howard talked about Imus and Wolfman Jack. He said that stuff still irritates Howard. Gary said he remembers the day they took a picture of the four of them. He said it's just odd that it's still around all these years later. Jon asked who could pull off that cowboy look. Gary didn't think that anyone he mentioned could pull it off.
Jon said that Benjy's beard is looking odd these days. Gary said it's big, thick and an unnatural color. He said it's just weird. Jon said he's trying to picture JD in that cowboy hat. Rahsaan said that it's a big thing these days. The guys spent a few minutes talking about different hats and how some people can pull it off and some can't.
Jon said that Whitney Cummings was good today and she talked about bringing a guy with her to a party at Howard's. He said that guy almost got into a fight with Beth. He said you have to think about who you're inviting to a party. Gary said when he has a party they do think about who is coming. Gary said when he worked at K-Rock there were a lot of clients who came to their holiday party. He said he was dating a girl at the time and she was one of those people who could be cool around those people. Gary said he went to a party one year and he's 90 percent sure that one of the sales people brought a hooker with him. He said it was the way she was dressed and the hair and all of that. He said she was the talk of the party.
Jon said he thinks Whitney has learned her lesson from that party. Jon said Whitney is friendly with Beth and even Howard was asking her what Beth says about him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to get Jon and Gary's take on the Making a Murderer thing. Jon said Howard won't watch it. Gary said he thinks Howard would need to have seen it sooner. He said he even said the reason he's not watching it is because everyone is saying he should. Jon said you can watch the first episode and if you're not hooked then don't watch the rest. He said what happens in the first episode is pretty shocking and it should get you hooked. Gary said he thinks the point of the documentary is that if you don't have money you are fucked. Jon said he thinks he's right.
Jon said he thinks once Howard watches it then there will be a big discussion about it. Jon said they just ended filming like a month before the special came out. Jon said he heard the filmmakers on another show and the people at Netflix took the deal right away.
Jon got in some plugs for Sternthology and asked Rahsaan for the results of the poll. Rahsaan said 66 percent said keep the news from your parents. They ended the show around 11:55am.
Jon said Robin wasn't feeling very well when they came back from their winter break. Jon said Howard gave her a hard time about going to England. Drew said he was saying that she could have a relapse in her cancer.
Gary said whenever Howard feels just a little sick he has to find patient zero. He said if you were sick 3 weeks ago and he gets sick then you fucked him over. Gary said Robin comes out after the guest is done and she tries to keep distance from Howard. Gary said when she came out the other day he asked if she was still sick and she said she was going to kick his ass.
Drew said that Howard was trying to talk to Robin about getting sick and how she doesn't have to go places to find what she's looking for. Gary said he's not sure if Robin walked a lot or a little over there. Drew said that they asked him who is crazier there and they're getting back into that. Drew said it's a different kind of crazy.
Jon said Robin wouldn't travel if she followed Howard's advice at all. He said he gives her credit for trying to get out there and live her life. Gary asked if you'd rather live to 85 and have done nothing or live to 80 and have done it all. Drew said if it's only 5 years then he'd pick the 80. Gary said Howard's whole thing is his mother's voice in his head. Gary said he doesn't combat it.
Drew said it seems like Robin is doing the proper health care. He said he's not sure if Howard does that. He said that someone there had prostate cancer there. He said he thinks Howard is in that world where he doesn't go to get screened. Gary said he actually does get screened. He said he believes he sees his doctor. Drew said that he sees very important people getting shitty care. Drew said that they aren't paying attention and doing what the patient needs and it really bothers him.
Jon said they had Dr. Agus on and both Robin and Howard love him. Jon said he thinks that Howard has taken care of himself like that. Gary said he has begged Ronnie to get the prostate check and Ronnie won't do it. Gary said it can tell you if you're going to live or die and Ronnie doesn't want to do it. Drew said he had prostate surgery and he's cured because of that. Drew said Ronnie is into anal play and maybe he could have his girlfriend check him. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Chelsea Handler came in this week and she's been away for a while. He said Drew knows her very well. He said she'll attack her new stuff like she did with her E! talk show. Drew said he was on her show for a while and he got to know a few people from the show very well. He said a lot of the stuff that got reported didn't go down the way they say it did. Drew brought up what went on between Chelsea and Heather.
Gary said that Howard can be tough to work for because he has very high expectations. Drew said Howard has such knowledge of sound. He said he must get that from his dad. He said it's like he has the best ears on earth. Gary said that Howard still works his own equipment. He said Howard can pull down Benjy's microphone if he's talking too much. Drew said he's just so good at it. Jon said he had a conversation with Howard about it and he hears patterns in his head and that's what's going on in his head all the time. Drew said it is like an orchestra there. He said everyone is right on it. Gary said Howard is the best dance partner in the world. He said you go along with him and if you let go then you're going to crash.
Jon said that Howard will also admit that he was a horrible DJ. He said he had to learn how to do what he does. Drew said that here are things you get from your dad and it's hard to put your finger on it. He said it's in you in a deep way though.
Jon said Howard's mother called in to wish him a happy birthday and he's talked about how he likes to keep her happy in whatever way he can. He said Howard hates it when people tell her bad news because then he has to hear about it from his mother. Jon asked Drew if it makes sense to him. Drew said that he thinks it's a co-dependency. He said that Howard may not want to get that from his mom so he can understand why he doesn't like it.
Gary told a story about his brother getting HIV and how he and his other brother decided to keep it a secret from their parents. Gary said he have his parents a free year where they didn't see anything wrong. He said there's nothing they could have done anyway. He said some people think that's not right but he thinks he gave his parents that free year.
The guys talked a little bit about Chelsea Handler taking time off from having sex. Rahsaan said he can't go a week without it so he's not sure how she went a year. They went to break a short time later.
Drew said you can't be too close or it doesn't work. He said that Gary and Howard are in different orbits. Gary said he is friends with Beth and Howard is friends with Mary so they all see the same Facebook stuff. Drew said he wished Howard a happy birthday on Facebook and he thought he had made a mistake doing that.
Jon asked Drew if he thinks Gary should friend Howard again on Facebook. Drew said he thinks he should. He said Howard will bust his balls a lot but he should do it. Gary said he's not going to go smell his farts to get him as a friend. Drew said he will. Gary said he's not 25 anymore.
Jon said they heard from Underdog Lady this week. He said she seems like she's content in that world she lives in. Jon said that she doesn't seem to get that Howard has brought a lot of what she gets to do to her life. Gary said it's all unwanted attention that he brought on her. Gary said that if Howard didn't do what he did 25 years ago she thinks that she'd be winning all kinds of ribbons.
Gary wondered if she notices that she's 50 years older than her competitors. Drew said she may say that everyone is a child at heart.
Jon said Robin experienced Ayahuasca and Chelsea Handler did it too. He asked if it's worth doing it the one time. Drew said there's a guy named Duncan Trussel who does a podcast and he's got a lot of thoughts about that stuff. He said he wouldn't want to expose his brain to that stuff himself because the results can show up years later. Gary said he doesn't get why anyone would want to do it because you end up shitting your pants. Gary said that the Shamen is like a drug dealer. He said he was guiding Chelsea and he just stopped when he felt they weren't taking it seriously. Drew said he doesn't judge so just enjoy.
Jon asked Drew for his take on the Fred and Howard relationship. Drew said that's an interesting one. drew said that they have a deep relationship. He said he thinks it's about the sound again. He said Fred can create sound that Howard hears what he can do. Gary gave another one of his analogies comparing them to some baseball players.
Drew said he's not sure who Fred hangs out with. Gary said he has friends in his area. Drew said Fred doesn't talk about his daughter at all. Gary said he's never asked about her. He said he thinks that Fred has a great group of friends because he has talked to him about it. Drew said he'd love to go to lunch with Fred too. Gary and Jon said he'd love Fred.
Jon got in some plugs for today's Sternthology and wrapped up the show. They were done around Noon.
Jon said he wants to talk about the Medicated Pete prank they pulled this week. Jon asked Gary if there's any way he could have taken it to another level with the monkey and HIV thing. Gary said the premise seemed so far fetched that he didn't think they'd get to the end of it. Gary said that included him. Jon said they made Pete say that he came inside the monkey. Gary said Pete went along with that. He said there was no editing there. He said there was no resistance from Pete at all. Jon asked if he would do that to get out of a similar circumstance. Gary said no. Jon said Pete used it to get into the Exotica Expo or something. Gary said he could have done that when the Gary Puppet was stolen but he just fessed up.
Jon said that Eric Andre is there. Jon told Eric what they were talking about and explained the Medicated Pete story to him. Eric hadn't heard the story. Gary explained his part of the story. Jon said they were wondering if there's anything worse than that. Eric said maybe fucking and then eating a monkey. Jon said Gary felt guilty about pulling that prank. Gary said Pete is such a nice guy. He said if he did it to Jeff he wouldn't have felt so bad.
Jon said that Eric is infamous for popping a Viagra and then getting on a plane. Eric said next time he should pop an Ex-Lax. Jon asked if he would be more or less uncomfortable. Eric said it would be equal. He said that he got a bad headache from the Viagra. Gary said he took a Cialis once and it didn't seem to do anything. Gary said he wanted to see what the hubbub was about. Gary said nothing happened. He said they waited and waited and got sick of waiting.
Jon asked Eric how quick he got the headache. Eric said it was pretty quick. He said he was shooting in Toronto and by the time he got up there he had a bad headache. He said he thinks that it helps you keep aroused but it doesn't get you aroused.
Jon said there's been a lot of controversy online about his full frontal nudity. Eric said he had them up online for 18-19 hours.
Gary said he saw Eric for the first time on Don't Trust the Bitch In Apt 23. He said he always made him laugh. Eric said he did that because he ended the money. Jon said Eric has his own show and he gets to do what he wants on that. Jon said that's coming back for a fourth season. They went to break after that.
Jon said Whitney was talking about anal and how popular it is now. Eric said he doesn't like it. He said nothing feels better than a woman's vagina. He said he's tried it a few times but he's so pleased with the vagina. He said he's so happy when he has a girl naked in bed he's just happy with that. Eric said he hates wearing condoms and if he dies you'll know why.
Eric said there's a song about Eazy E giving AIDS to Freddie Mercury. That led to the guys talking about how many people who have died who have been on the show. Gary said it's been on the air for 30 years so that's not a surprise. Jon asked if most of his guests are alive. Eric said 90 percent of them are dead.
Jon asked Eric about his show and how far he goes with things on there. Gary asked if he ever feels he's gone too far. Eric said he tries not to. He said he feels like a dick of he does go too far. Gary said that Johnny Knoxville has done things that have destroyed his body. Eric said he has fucked himself up but not like Johnny. He said he did an interview with Vivica Fox and he hurt his spine doing a drop off his desk. He said he didn't have catheters like Knoxville did though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he watches a lot of the Eric Andre show. He said he inspires him every day. The caller asked about the guests he has and how they find them. Eric said they have some great casting people who are able to help. He said they have to have fake guests and they're like their Wack Pack. Jon asked if he likes the real guests or the fake ones. Eric said the real guests are great. He said Stacy Dash was on and she was great.
Gary asked if it's harder to prank people now. Eric said they have different tactics to get around it. He said people would show up and they wondered if it was a cartoon or something. He said even if the guest knows the show a little bit he won't tell them anything that's coming. He said they had Howie Mandel on the show and they dropped used dental floss on his head. He said that Howie took it like a champion though.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that he has problems putting it in a woman's ass because his dick is too big. Eric thanked her for that. The caller said she had anal with a guy who was super small so it wasn't so bad for her. Gary said that guy will be thrilled to hear that.
Jon asked if the Stern Show still inspires Eric. Eric said he loves them there. Gary asked which Wack Packer he likes the most. Eric said he loves Big Foot. He said every story that comes out of his mouth is great. Jon asked what his take on Bobo is. Eric said he loves Bobo. He said King of All Blacks is a sociopath. He said Bobo is charming. He said he likes High Pitch Eric too.
Gary said he loves how unfiltered Big Foot is. Eric said that's it. Gary said he's emotionless. He said he'll tell you anything like he just got the morning paper. Jon said they love Big Foot and everyone who comes on there. They talked about the other Big Foot, Matt McGrory, who used to be on the show. Gary said he passed away. They talked about how he was Robin's help when she did Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. They went to break after that.
Jon said that Howard talked about his parents this week and one thing he talked about was how his parents deal with technology. Jon said that they have voicemail now but they pretend like they don't know how to do it. Gary said his dad was a lot older and he got him a computer that was pretty simple. He said that he'd ask him to click on things and he'd say it wasn't there. Gary said it would go on for hours. He said he was just trying to send him a picture and he could have mailed it faster.
Gary said that Howard tried to get his mother a TiVo. He said they wanted nothing to do with it. Gary said that he and Jon are into tech stuff and they try out a lot of that stuff. He wondered if he will get to the point that he doesn't care about that stuff. Jon said it may happen some day. Jon said that his mother had the Amazon Echo and she loves it. He said he had no idea she would be into that. Gary said it's always been hard to get his parents into technology.
Jon took a call from a guy who said the dynamic between Howard and Fred seems off a little bit lately. He said it seems like Howard is frustrated with him. Gary said there's nothing there. He said that Howard has asked Fred to play the guitar and it takes a second to get to it. Jon said you don't notice something like that until there's a mistake. He said once there's a mistake then you notice. He said the other 300 times you don't notice.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Howard has reacted to his Facebook request yet. Gary said no because he hasn't done it yet. Gary said he's writing it down now to remind himself to do it over the weekend. Gary said then he can call back next week and ask about it again. Jon said he can adjust the privacy settings so Howard doesn't see everything he posts.
Jon said on Sternthology today they're playing Chris Rock and Howard talking about Bill Cosby and the sex scandal. He had a clip to play as a preview. Jon said that was from 10 years ago.
Jon asked Gary about where he falls on the whole Academy Awards thing and Chris Rock. Gary said you have to think about it. He said it's the Oscars and 90 percent of the voters are white men. He said that you can make a ton of movies with black people in them or change the makeup of the Academy. He said they might have to look at themselves and figure it out. They spent a little more time giving their thoughts on the Academy Awards. They wrapped up and ended the show around 11:45am.