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Howard started off the show playing a Old Dirty Bastard song parody that he played for the first time last week after listening to a press conference of his that they played uncensored for the first time. He also played a prank call that they made using clips of ODB from that press conference. Howard said he likes the way the woman handles him and knows what he's talking about at certain parts. Robin and Artie had favorite moments of their own that they shared as well.
Howard said that Richard went in and pulled some audio from the William Shatner roast of Artie wheezing. He played the clip and he really sounds awful when he laughs and wheezes the way he does. Artie said he knows that the smoking may be a problem. Howard said he sounds like that cartoon character Mutley who wheezes when he laughs. Artie thinks he sounds kind of like Lou Costello from Abbot and Costello. He did his impression of him and he's right, he does the impression of him trying to speak when he's scared.
Howard and Artie spent a short time talking about Abbot and Costello, Laurel and Hardy and the Bowery Boys because they used to beat the crap out of each other.
Howard said he's not even sure that guy actually did what he claims. He's thinking he may have just wanted out of the Thailand jail he was in. He was also saying that the creepy thing in all of this is watching what that woman Patsy Ramsey did to her daughter pushing her into those child beauty pageants. He said she appears to have been trying to live her life through her 6 year old kid.
Artie said there are parents who do the same type of thing to their sons and that's just as creepy. Howard interrupted and said that the guy who did the voice of Mutley was Don Messic. The guy also did Papa Smurf and other voices.
Howard also read a story about Rosie O'Donnell and how she's already getting upset because she's not going to be able to run The View once she goes on there. Robin said she thinks that Rosie is going to take over the show and no one will have anything to say about it. Howard said Barbara Walters owns 50 percent of that show so she won't have any part of that though.
Howard couldn't get the ODB song from first thing this morning out of his head. He was singing the song and wanted to play it again but they were having some trouble finding it. He played some of Artie's wheezing instead. Gary got him the song so he played that after the wheezing. He also replayed the ODB prank call that they played at the start of the show. Howard said he could listen to that prank call over and over again, it's like crack to him.
Howard had a clip of Federline being interviewed before the show. Howard said Kevin Federline sounds like a real wigger when he talks. He played through that clip and played another clip where the host talks about how there are 800 billion teens voting for the winners.
Howard played a clip of Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson coming up to announce an award. Dane then announces that Jessica had just won an award for her performance in Dukes of Hazzard. Howard spent a minute talking about Jessica and the dopey way she was speaking. He pointed out that Nick Lachey could only take so much of that before he got out of their marriage.
Howard played a clip of Kevin Federline's performance that sounded more like a parody to Robin. Howard said it's supposed to be hip hop mixed with rock and roll from what he understands. The start of the song wasn't even live, it was pre-recorded. Then Kevin comes in and starts his performance. Howard said that Britney Spears has turned into a mess after getting knocked up by that guy. He said she's not hot anymore.
Howard said he explained to them what had gone on and how he wasn't able to make it to Gary's father's viewing because of Beth's fractured foot. Gary didn't have a problem with him not showing up because he knew that the timing was bad when Beth broke her foot. He only had a 2 hour window to get to the wake and it was too late by the time he got Beth home.
Bobo asked Howard how Beth is doing. He said that she's doing okay but she's bummed out because she's got her foot in a special boot and she was on crutches for a while. She's off the crutches now but she's still got some therapy to go through to get back on her feet.
Bobo mentioned that Paris Hilton is on in the paper today and didn't think she looked that good. Artie looked at the picture and thought Bobo was nuts. He thought she looked great and told the fans to go out and check it out to see what Bobo thinks isn't good looking.
Howard mentioned that they have this guy Pete and his mother coming in to ride the Sybian. Pete is going to control the Sybian for his mother. He had called in recently to get her on the show and that's what he agreed to do. Gary said he met them on Thursday night when they had a Heineken party there at SIRIUS and the mother was telling him that they may burn out the Sybian trying to get her off.
JD had come in so Fred was playing his techno theme song. Howard said he read that people who listen to techno music are more susceptible to getting AIDS. He said that may be because so many gay guys listen to techno music. He read the article to JD and let him know he might be at risk.
Howard played some clips from the roast. Betty White was actually doing some funny material. She had some jokes about Artie and said she likes seeing him on stage because she knows she might outlive him. One of Artie's wheezes came in around that time so Artie got a laugh out of that.
Artie told the guys that George Takei got in a joke about William Shatner at one point and he appeared to be very sincere when he told him ''fuck you and the horse you rode in on'' after Shatner actually rode in on a horse.
Howard took a call from a woman who said Artie looked a little plumper on the roast than he's looked since she saw him the last time. She said she loves him but he did look a little big.
Artie said they ended up losing to the crew from ESPN's Cold Pizza. They're fans of the show so it was kind of embarrassing to lose. Artie said he can't even throw a ball to the girls because they look like they're scared out of their mind. He was saying this chick Georgina was actually playing okay ''for a girl.'' He said that Robin's assistant plays second base and she has a lot of fun playing but she's really not very good.
Artie said they actually need the girls because not enough people show up to play. The woman on the phone interrupted and said she wants to cook some food for Artie that would be more healthy for him. Howard wanted to get back to the Artie and Dana story though so that's what they talked about. Artie was saying that Dana got really nervous taping the show there but Sam Simon was a great director and helped her through it all. He said that got them started again and they went back to his apartment and had a nice, romantic dinner overlooking the city.
Howard asked Artie if he had a few drinks during dinner. Artie said he's got a full wet bar over there. Howard said he's cut out his drinking because that's why he's been putting the pounds on lately. He said he hasn't farted in about a month now since cutting back on his eating and drinking.
Artie said he got a nice bottle of Jack Daniels for himself but he had to go out and get a bottle of Pino Noir wine for Dana so he went to this liquor store that he goes to regularly. He said a lot of people in that area listen to the show so he just wanted to get in and out of there. The owner of the place is a big wine guy so he came up to him and told him the bottle was a ''Monster bottle'' and started to explain to him how great it was and where it came from. Artie said the guy went on for about 10 minutes. Artie said he just wanted to get out of there, he doesn't care about wine.
Howard asked Artie how he got dressed for Dana's visit. Artie said he put on a nice collared shirt but that was about it. He said that Dana looks good even when she's just in sweats so whatever she's wearing is fine with him. Artie said he did have sex with her and he just wanted to go back and eat more food after doing that.
Howard was doing his Don Rickles impression from the movie Dirty Work so Artie mentioned that the movie just made it's Comedy Central debut this weekend. That led to Fred playing some of Don Rickles goofing on Artie in that movie. Rickles calls him a baby gorilla and jokes about him almost putting Baskin Robbins out of business. Howard said he wishes he could see the out takes from the movie where Rickles starts talking to the camera and uses Norm Macdonald's real name while shooting the scene.
Howard heard that Artie is doing Letterman's show this week. Artie said he was going to mention that and he thinks he got that gig because he mentioned the other day that he hadn't done the show yet. He said he'll be the last guest one night this week and it's possible he'll get bumped because it's going to be about a 4 minute segment.
Howard took a call from this guy Tony who works for ESPN. He said that Artie wasn't able to run in that softball game that they played last week. Artie said that he played a good game. Gary came in and said that the guys in the back were saying that Artie can barely make the run to first base these days because he's gotten so big. Howard asked him how many times he banged Dana the other night. He said he did her twice and it was harder to do that then get to first base in the softball game.
Gary came in with a Rolling Stone magazine list of the top 100 guitar players in rock and pointed out that Joe Walsh and Leslie West were missing from the list. Howard was trying to get to break so he thanked Tony for calling in and said that their win wasn't a real win because they didn't have any chicks on their team. Tony said that Jon Hein did great and Artie agreed. Howard went to break after that.
Matt said he really doesn't know who Perez is but he was in a bar where he was hanging out recently. Robin and Howard think that Perez's gaydar was going off with Matt but it might not be right. Howard said he just wanted to get it straight that Matt claims to be straight, not gay.
The guys asked Matt if he has a girlfriend right now. He said he doesn't have one right now and he just broke up with her around the time the show was starting. He said things just didn't work out for them so they broke it off. Howard asked him if he would come on the show and bang a woman just to prove he's straight. Matt said that probably wouldn't fly with the people at ABC Family.
Matt told Howard that he did some modeling after he moved out to L.A. at the age of 18. Howard said that might be why Perez Hilton thinks he's gay.
Matt said he's also going to be in the next James Blunt video where he gets to roll around in bed with Mischa Barton. The guys thought that appearing in a James Blunt video isn't exactly the best way to avoid the gay rumors. Matt said he is rolling around in bed with Mischa so it's not gay stuff he's doing.
Howard asked Matt what his five top chicks would be. Matt said Natalie Portman, possibly Brittany Murphy, Scarlett Johansen and Rhianna would be on the list. Howard said he seems to be straight to him after hearing some of those names.
Howard asked Matt if he would kiss a guy in a movie role if it called for it. Matt said he might do that. Artie gave him a buzzer sound and said he would refuse to kiss a guy in a movie. He said that's probably why he's not a famous actor though. He refused to kiss Will Ferrel in a movie he did with him.
Howard asked Matt what he does for fun. Matt said he hangs out at bars once in a while but not all that often. Howard was trying to give him some advice on what he could do to get rid of the gay rumors. He asked Matt how many chicks he's banged in his life. Matt said he doesn't have a number but he was pretty lucky in high school. Matt was afraid that all of this stuff was going to get him in trouble with Disney. He did finally say that he probably had like 20 chicks in high school. The guys were very impressed with that.
Howard said he saw a picture of Matt on WireImage.com and he was standing next to a chick who looked like Carmen Electra. He said that was actually a girl he went to high school with. He wouldn't say if he got to bang her or not though. Matt was also saying that he didn't think that 20 chicks was all that many to have banged in high school. Artie said he had about 2 girls and one of them was a photo finish and he's not sure it was even sex.
Robin asked Matt if any guys have ever come on to him like on a casting couch type of situation. Matt said that has happened but didn't elaborate on that. Howard wrapped up with him and gave him a plug for ''Kyle XY'' which airs on the ABC Family channel tonight at 8:30pm. He also told Matt to call in at any time with news about him banging chicks and they'll get rid of those gay rumors.
After letting Matt go Robin asked Howard how many girls he had in high school. Howard said he had to think about that so he started counting... One, two.... That was it, two. He said he had chicks after high school. He said he banged about 10 chicks the summer after high school. He bumped up the number from school and said it had to have been 3.
Artie said the first girl he ever had sex with more than once was a prostitute. He said he got this chick's number after getting a blow job and banged her like 5 times after that. She charged him like $75 each time. Howard said it seems like Artie has had sex with a lot of hookers over the years. Artie said he's had intercourse with 4 hookers. He said this one chick taught him how to put on a rubber the right way so it was almost educational.
Howard said it must be kind of hot to have sex with a whore like that. Artie said the one chick was a Brazilian chick and she was amazing. She had a really tight ass and was really hot. He said it was great for him and he used to do her out in his father's van and then he'd take her into this diner and buy her dinner. He said that she did blow at least three guys that he knew the night he met her. Only 2 of his friends know the story.
Lisa said they got an exclusive interview with Dana the other night and they will be playing that today on Howard 100 News. Lisa said that Dana told them that she doesn't want Artie to change like some people think. She wants Artie to make some changes that are very personal and didn't talk about those.
Artie said that Dana has given up on trying to get him into therapy by himself. Now she wants to get them into couples therapy. Howard asked him if he would do that. Artie said he did it one time and he felt like he was beat up after the session. Howard told him that going to individual therapy would probably be easier for him because couples therapy is tough.
Howard asked Artie if he would do Meet the Shrink with Dana on Howard 101. Artie said he would do that for the show but Dana might not want to do that. Lisa mentioned that Dana's dog isn't as big of a problem as Artie made it out to be in the past. Artie said he's actually kind of getting into that dog now.
Lisa said that they have a day in the life of Penny Crone coming soon to Howard TV so they'll be talking about that on Howard 100 News today. She also said that Ralph and Gary may have more of a battle going on because Ralph thinks that Gary isn't working hard enough on The Friday Show. She also mentioned that the Miserable Men Show is on tonight at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard replayed the speech that Riley made at their final show at K-Rock because he liked that so much. He also played a voice mail that Riley left for Gary where he tried to make him feel better about the death of his father. Riley told him that his father is in a much better place now. He was also plugging his book and asking for Tim Sabean to give him a call so they might negotiate a new deal for him. Howard said he bets Riley is missing that $200 paycheck he was getting doing his show there at SIRIUS. Riley wrapped up and told Gary that there is a far better place than this plane that we live in. Howard did his impression of Riley a little bit and goofed on him a little bit.
Howard noticed that Pete didn't have many teeth so he asked about that. Pete said he used to chew tobacco and didn't brush his teeth. They just started falling out in the past couple of years. Gary said that they are getting Pete and Karen some money for this thing they're doing today and they will give them the check after the show.
Pete was saying that he hasn't seen his father in the past few years and he's no that upset about it. He said the guy was never around when he was a kid so he really doesn't care about him. Pete said his mother raised him and even taught him how to throw a football.
Howard asked Karen if she's been active sexually for a long time. She said she has been and said that she's even had two guys at the same time. That just happened recently. She's also done black guys and had lesbian sex just last month. Matt said he figured that was going on when he was talking to his mother while she was over at this chick's house recently.
Howard asked Karen what was the craziest thing she's ever done. She said she actually pissed on a cop one time. She said she was totally disgusted at first but did it and that was about it. She just wanted to get out of there after that. She also told the guys she does anal and Pete said he didn't know about that. Howard asked Karen if she's ever walked in on her son playing with himself. She said he used to do that all the time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this chick seems to be out of her mind. Howard said he's pretty sure they haven't tapped into half of her crazy stuff. He asked Karen what she's going to be doing today. She didn't really know but Howard was pretty sure she was going to get on the Sybian, nude, and have her son controlling the power.
Pete said he's seen women riding the Sybian so he knows what's going to happen. Howard had Karen get naked and get on the Sybian. Pete looked away as that was happening. He didn't want to see that and said he's pretty sure he won't get an erection again ever in his life. Howard said Karen has some pretty big boobs. She got on the Sybian and Howard said he had a bird's eye view of what was going on.
Pete was handling the controls for the Sybian. He started her out slow after Artie said he always wondered what Red Buttons would look like as a Hippie, referring to Karen. Pete started ramping up the power for the machine and Will was disgusted by Karen's ass which he said was a huge mess. Karen asked Pete to turn up the power as she was moaning and breathing heavy from the machine. She was asking for more and more power. He turned the machine up and she was saying it was really good. She finished after a couple of minutes and asked him to turn off the machine.
Karen said she wants her damn pants on and said that the machine was completely wet. Artie said she had some nice fuckin' tits for a 50 year old. Artie said you could bang her if you just concentrated on her tits. Karen was having trouble standing up after the ride on the Sybian.
Howard said Robin almost threw up during that. She said she couldn't watch because it was so horrible. Artie said the guys in the studio were looking at her like people on the streets of New York City were looking at the World Trade Center as they were burning. Pete was glad to get that over with. He said he just wanted to meet the guys on the show and that's what he got to do. He was kind of bummed out when Artie wasn't at the Heineken party last week. He figured he'd be there since there was free beer but he was nowhere to be found.
Howard said that this will be on Howard TV this week and they're doing a great job over there. They have all kinds of new specials and things like that but he thinks that this one will be one of the best. Pete thanked Howard for hooking them up with everything and getting them out to the Amsterjam concert they went to over the weekend.
A phone caller told Howard that this was gross and he can't believe this guy would let his mother do something like that. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he thought Siobhan sticking her mangina on High Pitch Mike's face was the worst but now he's thinking that this might top even that show.
Howard asked Karen how many orgasms she had. She said she actually had three in that short time on the Sybian. Pete said he thinks he has an inverted penis now that he's done this. He's not happy that he got his mother off. Artie said he's bought his mother a home and a car but he's never made her cum.
Another caller asked if Karen is really hairy. Howard said she's actually shaved down. Howard took another call from a guy who asked what trailer park these people are from. They said that they've never lived in a trailer park. Another guy said this has to be one of the worst things they've ever done on the show. Howard congratulated Karen and Pete for their appearance and said that now they have to go home and live with themselves.
Howard said that may have been a bit much for them on the show. Gary said that when he saw that fluttering of Karen's eyes, he knew it was too much for him. Artie asked Howard if he had some Purell because he had shaken Pete's hand and it was kind of clammy.
Artie mentioned that he's going to be down at the Borgata this weekend and Dave Chappelle is doing a show down there and their dressing rooms should be next to each other. He said he'll try to get him to do the show. Howard told him to let Dave know that he's kind of upset that he won't do the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who begged him not to put that Sybian ride on Howard TV. The Howard TV guys had some video of it ready to watch so Howard checked that out. Everyone sounded disgusted by what they were seeing. Robin said it looked like Carrot Top was riding the Sybian in that clip. The caller Howard had on the line mentioned the show where G Spot (Ginger) had ridden the Sybian so the Howard TV guys played some of that as well. The caller thought she was really hot and didn't know what Artie was talking about when he said she wasn't that hot.
Artie said he was running around on Thursday but he did get the check out in the mail for Jeff so he would have it on Saturday. He didn't overnight the money to him so he would have it on Friday though. Artie said he got up on Friday morning and he had this message from him on his machine. Howard played the clip where Jeff asks Artie if he cares for him at all. He said he's broke and he needs money. He asked Artie why he can't help him the fuck out. Artie said when he heard that he got so pissed off that he went and found his phone number so he could go off on him. Artie said he yelled at him for like 5 minutes and told him the money was already on it's way.
Jeff called Artie back after all of that and left an apology on his answering machine. He said he was sorry for getting mad at him and he knew the money was on it's way.
Howard had Jeff on the phone and told him that this was just pathetic. Jeff said he thought the money was being FedEx'd and he thought the money wasn't going to make it there on time. Howard and the guys told Jeff that this was really pathetic and Artie was doing all of this as charity because it's not a real job. Artie said that he was paying him $600 to do this promotion and it's not even a real promotion.
Artie said Jeff told him that he went out with the fliers he sent to him and handed them out to people who were walking by a bar he goes to. Artie said the kicker was that Jeff was saying after the 500 fliers were handed out, they were square and he was done with that job. He wanted more fliers sent to him so he could make another $200 after that.
Jeff said he went to the mall for 3 hours the other night and handed out more fliers. He went down and handed out fliers at another place for 5 hours... So he worked 8 hours for $200. Howard told Jeff he's going to have to go out and get a real job because he's not working for Artie. Jeff said he hasn't handed out all 500 of the fliers yet, he's only handed out about 2/3 of them.
Artie figured that Jeff was milking this for all he could. He told Jeff that he's pathetic and he doesn't want to deal with him anymore. Jeff said ''Okay buddy...'' like a beaten man. Robin said that Jeff probably went out and aggravated people so much that they'll never go out and see the movie. Howard had to go to break before bringing in the James Gang. He played Grover's weekly rap song about what went on during the shows last week. Grover manages to get in just about everything in the short songs he does.
Joe said he had some time in his schedule to go out and do this thing. The guys in the James Gang were thrilled when they got the call. They told Howard that they had been waiting for that call for many years. Howard asked them if they thought that call would ever come. The guys said they knew that call would come some day so they just waited it out.
Howard said that Joe was there with Jimmy, Dale and Bill and they had three female backup singers, Stacy, Robin and Gia. Howard said that years ago Joe would have banged all three of them back stage but now he's married and not banging anyone. Joe told Howard he should come on a bus ride with them sometime to see what actually happens on there.
Howard asked Joe if he felt slighted by Rolling Stone magazine when they left him off the list of 100 all time great guitar players. Joe said he did feel a little slighted by that but he didn't seem too upset about it. Gary asked Joe if he invented that talk box thing. Joe said that Dotty West's husband actually invented the one he used but that guy didn't patent the things he invented.
Howard asked Joe if that was his daughter Lucy sitting out in the green room with him. Joe said that is Lucy and she's got her own record deal with Island Records. Howard asked Joe if he was going to introduce him to her or if he was going to leave her out there. Joe said he was going to leave her out there. Howard wondered if his daughter getting into music was a way to get in touch with her father. He said that might be part of it but she's got the music gene and she's very good.
The guys brought in Lucy and she said that her album will be on Pop stations but she thinks that's what her generation is looking for. She goes by the name of Lucy Walsh. Howard asked Lucy about dealing with her father as she was growing up. She said she had to yell at him about his drinking to get through to him. She said that she now has a great relationship with him now that he's sober. Lucy is also working on a pilot for a reality show for MTV. Joe said that they're still trying to work that out and he thinks that the guys with ties at MTV get kind of worried when they hear the words ''Joe Walsh unscripted.''
Lucy said that her album should be out next spring. She said she's about 7 songs into it so far and it's nothing like she expected it to be. Joe said that he's very proud of her for getting as far as she has so far. Lucy has gone out on tour with Ashlee Simpson and played keyboards for her. She also did some backup singing for her. She talked about doing the Orange Bowl with Ashlee and how they had 70,000 people booing them at the same time.
Howard wrapped up with Lucy and told Joe that when he stays out of the parenting, his kids grow up great. Joe said he was very pleased when he got sober and got back together with her.
Joe and the guys were ready to play some songs for Howard and the guys so Howard let them do their thing. He gave them a few plugs for some shows they have coming up and then let them perform ''Walk Away'' live in the studio.
After the guys were done Howard told them it was beautiful and he liked it. He then theorized that Joe was doing two of the backup singers and one of them had rejected him. Howard said that Stacy was staring at Joe like she was in love with him. She said she was just into the song. Howard asked Joe if he can get oral sex and still say he's being faithful. Joe said that's not staying faithful so he doesn't do that.
Howard said that he read that Joe's guitar playing was considered rhythm lead and not just one or the other. Joe told Howard that he never thought that he'd become the singer for the band but their singer quit on the way to a gig so he had to take over.
Howard asked Joe if he had to make amends with a bunch of people when he got sober. Joe said he still has a few of those to do and started to apologize to Howard. Howard told him that wasn't necessary because he did some great things on his show. He brought up the time Joe passed out while they were shooting a pilot for FOX TV.
Howard heard that Joe recently played a Bat Mitzvah so he asked about that. Joe said that they played about six songs and that worked out to about $300 per note after they got paid. He spent a couple of minutes talking about that and then mentioned the names of everyone who was there.
Howard talked to a couple of the back up singers before asking Joe to play ''Funk #49'' for them. Joe had to swap guitars before getting to that. They went right into the song a few seconds later. Howard and the guys gave them some applause after the song. Howard said he was thrilled that the band was back together for this tour. He asked the guys in the band if they kept in touch with Joe over the years. They said they did stay in touch and didn't have a problem with Joe no playing with them. They knew they'd get back together eventually.
Howard let a couple of phone callers through and one guy said that he was really pumped after hearing that song they just performed. Another guy said the band sounded awesome. Howard said everyone sounded great. Another caller said he saw Joe up in Boston one time and he steals the show with the faces he makes while playing guitar. Gary came in and said that Joe steals the show because of the songs. He said that many of Joe's songs are the ones that people relate to the Eagles and that may be where the animosity comes from Joe said that it's Glen and Don who are The Eagles, not him.
The caller told Howard that he heard that Joe's daughter Lucy had dated Andy Dick a few years back so Howard wanted to know if that was true because he would be sick to his stomach if it was true. Howard said he can't wait for Smokey to beat the crap out of Andy if that is true. Howard said that Smokey is still with Joe and he used to be in charge of keeping booze away from Joe years ago. He told Smokey that he didn't do a very good job of that either.
Lucy came in and said that she knows Andy Dick but she did not have an affair with him. She said she did show up with him on a red carpet but she didn't date him. She also said that Andy is a ''Tri-Sexual'' because he will ''try anything.''
Captain Janks called in and asked Joe to play ''Desperado'' for them. Joe said they won't be doing that today. He made that mistake many years ago when he played the song on Howard's show and got in trouble with the guys in The Eagles. Howard gave the guys a plug for their web site JamesGangRidesAgain.com and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Roger Ebert is still recovering from his recent operation. He said he wants to send him a note. Artie said he feels really bad but he was thinking that it might be nice that he's off the show for now so he won't review ''Beer League.''
Howard read a note about Roger and how he's suffering through this reoccurrence of cancer that hit him. He said it doesn't sound good to him.
Howard said that W Magazine just recently shot some older models to show what they look like today. He said that the photographer did a horrible thing and made all of the models look horrible. He shot Naomi Campbell, Stephanie Seymore, Christy Brinkley, Rachel Hunter and they all looked awful. He showed each of their pictures to Robin and she was surprised at how bad they looked. The guys didn't think they looked that bad until he saw that layout. Robin wondered what those woman must think of those pictures.
Artie mentioned that he's really into this little league world series that's going on. He said he felt really bad for this one kid who thought there were three outs in the game and started to run back from second base and got tagged out to end the game. He said he's rooting for this Staten Island team that's playing.
Jeff was telling the guys that the car insurance he has to pay is going to cost him $145 and he's got a cable bill that's another $180 so that's where Artie's money will be going. Howard wants to put a tattoo on his back that says ''I Love Cock'' or something like that. Jeff said there's no way he's getting a permanent tattoo on his back. Artie raised it from $1,000 to $2,500 and Jeff said that he would have to think about that.
Howard suggested that they cut off Jeff's dead hand live on air for $5,000. Jeff said that would hurt because he does have some feeling in his dead hand, inside of it. Jeff said he once burned his dead hand with a cigarette and he didn't feel that. Howard wanted to light that hand on fire for $5,000. Jeff said he could do that.
Artie was goofing on Jeff about the trailer he lives in because his address is so long due to the fact that he lives in a trailer park. Howard asked Jeff if they could stick an M80 in his hand and blow it up. Jeff didn't answer that, he just asked if he's going to be part of the All Request Labor Day weekend thing they have coming up. Howard said they'll probably have some of his stuff in there. Artie said his favorite moment is when Jeff falls down at the elevator when he's getting ready to leave the K-Rock studios.
Robin said that the shows where Jeff was handcuffed to a woman for a week was great. She said some of the clips from that show would be great to hear. Howard asked Jeff if they could stick his hand in a fish tank with piranha in it and watch them eat it away for five grand. Jeff didn't seem to want to lose that dead hand of his. Howard thought that would be wild. Howard wondered if the fish would tear it down to bone within 5 minutes. Fred seemed to think they could do it pretty fast.
Jeff told the guys that he was at a fair last night and some guy was telling the vendors not to serve him beer. He wasn't able to get served. Howard said that's because he's like the town drunk like Otis from Andy of Mayberry. Howard let Jeff go after that and told him to think about that offer they made to him for the 'I Love Cock' tattoo on his back.
Jeff got off the phone but Howard played his voice mail where he asked Artie to help him out with the money he'd promised him.
Howard told Gary that there was a moment before that clip where Ralph was picking on someone over being a roofer. He said Ralph came off really bad at that moment and he thought that's where they should have gone with that. Gary said that things were really uncomfortable during that whole thing because they had to go to break during the argument.
Howard said he remembers what Ralph was talking about during that Wrap Up Show. He said that Ralph was talking about how the interns were complaining about him after he had him go out and get his lunch for him. Gary said that Ralph doesn't think that there should be so many outlets for people to goof on other people there at SIRIUS.
Ralph called in and said he needs a show where he explains himself because apparently he can't do that right. He said that people take things and blow them out of proportion. Ralph said he's got a lot of stress of his own and found it funny that Gary was saying he didn't have any stress about that show. Gary said that Shuli was under the impression that Ralph was really pissed.
Ralph said he's misunderstood quite a bit and people don't hear what he's actually saying. They get it wrong a lot. He explained what went on with this intern who bad mouthed him on the Intern Show one night recently. Howard told Ralph that the intern works there for free and he shouldn't be calling him names like he did on The Friday Show. He also found out that Ralph didn't tip the kid and he really should be tipping him for doing him favors like that because they don't get paid to work there.
Howard said he really doesn't care about any of this but Ralph ended up mentioning that Robin owed him money from a bet he placed for her years ago. That led to Robin going off on him when she brought up all of the things that she's done for him over the years. Robin thought he was out of his mind and he's never told her that she owes him $500.
Artie told a story about how Ralph asked to be driven somewhere but at the time he just had this tiny 2 seater Mercedes convertible. He said he could drive him out to Stuttering John's house on Long Island but Ralph had to sit in the back. When he showed up Ralph said he has a bad back and asked to sit in the front seat. Dana agreed to sit in the back but she had to scrunch in there to do it. She was stuck there for an hour and a half and her back was all f'd up from that. Ralph said he doesn't really remember doing that. Artie said that guy just rubs people the wrong way.
Steve Langford got back to his Howard 100 News preview and finished up with that. He had mentioned the Penny Crone special that will be on Howard TV in a couple of months. Doug Goodstein came in and let them know when that would be on and Howard goofed on him about his bug eyes since he got his LASIK surgery. Doug mentioned a few other specials they have coming up on Howard TV soon as well.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show rundown after that. Jon said they'll be talking about Pete and his mother doing the Sybian thing earlier this morning. Howard and Artie ended up doing their Elegant Elliot Offen impressions for some reason and that led Howard into playing Elliot's speech from the final day at K-Rock. Jon finished up his show preview and mentioned that they'll also talk about Joe Walsh and the James Gang's performances on the show today.
Howard wrapped up with Jon and mentioned some of the stuff they have up on Howard TV this week.
Howard read some e-mail during the news and ended up replaying a prank call Richard and Sal made using Mike Walker audio clips since one e-mailer said he almost crashed his car after hearing that call. Artie said he loves Mike because he's a straight guy who sounds so fruity.
Robin got back to her news but he took a call a short time later from a guy who wondered what Howard's computer screen looks like when he's trying to find the bits he looks for on things such as ''Gary Preview Page 2'' and things like that. Howard told the In Demand guys to take some shots of that and put it up on Howard TV. He went through and showed Artie some of those pages because even he didn't know what they looked like. Howard said he'll shoot a whole tour of the studio and have something on Howard TV so people can see what they're actually doing in there. The caller seemed to appreciate that. Howard had to take another break at that point.
Ralph was back on the phone so Fred played his ''Ralphie Cakes'' song parody and then Howard played more of Ralph going off on the interns and saying that they're so incompetent. Howard and Artie tried to explain to Ralph what he was doing wrong by bashing them on one show and then saying that he's defending them on the show this morning. Howard went off on him and Ralph was thinking that Howard was twisting his words.
Ralph said that the interns just say the stuff they do on their Intern Show to get attention. Howard told Ralph that he comes off poorly when he talks about people the way he does. Howard played the audio of Ralph going off on the interns and told him to listen to himself. Ralph told Howard that maybe he should go back and look at what a mess the office is so maybe he can do something about it. That was one of the things he mentioned while going off on the interns.
Howard let him go and took another call from a guy who said he actually likes to hear what Ralph has to say. Artie said he was in a cab the other day and the cab driver said he likes Ralph too. Howard said he thinks Ralph adds something because if he wasn't there, there would be something missing from the show.
Howard mentioned his chess playing and how he had played a game last night that got him so exhilarated that he was out of breath after the game. He said it took him 56 moves to check mate the other guy. He asked Benjy if he plays. Benjy said he played as a kid but he wants to learn again.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started off the show asking what happened to the Wallflowers. Robin said they put out an album this year or last and it didn't do all that well. Howard moved on and talked about a movie they all went to see but he couldn't remember the name of it. He said it was a Jet Li movie but couldn't come up with the name. He said that guy can't seem to speak English but the movie was well done. He said it was just he Robin, Toni the hair dresser and Howard's friend Leslie and a friend of hers.
Artie asked if Jet Li movies make a lot of money here in the states. Robin said he does have a bit of a cult following. Howard finally figured out the name of the movie which is ''Jet Li's Fearless.'' Robin said he's done a ton of great foreign films and they're gorgeous to watch. Robin said she loves the guy but he'd make a terrible guest on the show. Artie said he's been on the show and they did some funny stuff with his interpreter back when they were at K-Rock.
Gary came in and said that he sort of knew English but the jokes went right over his head. Robin said the guy is like 2 feet tall and Howard pointed out that he never bangs chicks in the movies he does. Gary said that he was pitched the movie by a publicist who said that this is Jet Li's last martial arts movie so they did try to get him on the show.
Robin thought the call was okay. Howard thought it was pretty funny and Artie wondered what accent Sal was doing because he had some accent that wasn't very good. It was kind of a redneck accent but it wasn't very good. That led to Howard talking about a note that Richard sent to him where his grammar was awful. He said he wrote ''Sal and I's studio'' in the note.
Howard said Richard did turn him on to a web site that was pretty good. He said it's called MyDaughtersFuckingABlackDude.com. He said they give you free samples of chicks getting banged by black dudes. He said there were some good looking chicks on the site too. The guys were checking out one guy who had a really girthy penis. Richard said it's one of the girthiest he's ever seen.
Howard played a porn clip where a woman was getting screwed and talking dirty to the guy. She was pretty graphic and Howard kind of liked that. He said he probably wouldn't marry a woman like that but he likes talk during sex. Artie said she was a little too wordy, kind of like the Dennis Miller of porn.
Howard said this chick is known as Guttermouth Tyla. She lives up to her name too. He played more of that and she gets it in the throat and gags quite a bit. Howard showed Robin the site and the size of the penis they were talking about. Robin said that it looked like something Ralph would make for them. Howard said it was the size of a tree trunk. He said he wishes he was that big and thick. Robin said that's scary and she wouldn't enjoy it.
Howard told her he wishes he had something like that between his legs. They were talking about how big it was and it was stuck in some chick's mouth. Artie said it looked like she was taking a big shit out of her mouth. They saw another shot of the woman taking it up the ass and it looked painful there. The guys were showing some other clips from the site and the guys were letting out some ''Oh!'' sounds when they saw them.
A bunch of people wrote in about how great Artie was on the roast. There were a couple that didn't think he did all that well. Howard said he thought Artie was very good though. He couldn't believe people thought he sucked.
Howard played the Artie and Mike Walker bit he mentioned. They used clips of him wheezing from the roast and Mike Walker's weird noises he makes when he's on the phone to create the bit. Artie said all he could say was ''Ewww'' after hearing it. Howard asked Artie what was up with the wheezing he was doing at the roast. He played the many wheezes that Richard threw together. He had pulled every wheeze from the roast and put them into one continuous wheeze.
The caller said he doesn't think that Beth does anything for the show so Howard asked him if he wants her to do bits and song parodies or something. Howard told the guy his premise was bizarre and wasn't making much sense. He said he's all for the charity that Beth promotes on the show. He told the guy he seems kind of heartless. The guy said it seems like Beth is off limits when it comes to goofing on and it doesn't fit in with the show. The caller was saying that he's just trying to represent the fans. Howard said this guy Jim doesn't represent the fans, he represents himself.
Jim said that he was just trying to say that Beth is a detraction from the show and Howard seems kind of guarded when it comes to her. Howard said this guy isn't making any sense and he's an asshole. He's first complaining about not talking about Beth on the show and then saying that she shouldn't appear on the show. The guy bailed out on his own call after Howard asked him to make some sense to them.
Howard played Jeffry Ross' roast of Shatner and the people up on stage. He had some jokes about his weight and looks of course. He also went off on Betty White, Farah Fawcett and others. Artie wondered what agent would let Farah go to something like that because she took a lot of abuse.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie was good at the roast but he doesn't like him on the radio show. Artie found that to be kind of odd. Howard said he gets offended and defensive when he hears stuff like that about Artie on the show. He thinks Artie is great on the show.
Howard got back to the Jeffry Ross clip and said he thinks that guy is one of the best roasters. Artie thought Greg and Lisa Lampanelli were great as well. Howard played Lisa Lampanelli's roast next. She got in some good ones about Jason Alexander and his career. She went right on to William Shatner and got him and Nichelle Nichols. She moved on to George Takei and Betty White. She got in some jokes about Greg Giraldo, Farah Fawcett and Andy Dick as well.
Howard said Lisa is good. Artie missed her set because he had to leave early. He said if you completely bomb you get cut out of that roast and they just keep in the good stuff if they have at least a few jokes. He said if the people kind of bomb they just threw in the good jokes and not even introduce the whole thing. Kevin Pollock and Andy Dick were both cut down a bit. Artie said some guys do bomb completely sometimes. Last year it was Eddie Griffin, this year they didn't really have someone like that.
Howard asked about what went on with Farah Fawcett. Artie said he's not sure what was going on there but it seemed like she was kind of out of it. Howard played the clip where she faked not being able to do the roast and asked for Jason Alexander to come up and help her out. Jason tried to help her by telling her to joke about the people on stage. Howard said she was kind of convincing when she first got up there but then Jason got up and it was easy to tell it was a bit they were doing. Howard played some more of that bit and Farah did have a couple of funny jokes but she blew them when she mispronounced Lisa Lampanelli's name and things like that.
Artie told Howard to let it play more so that's what he did. Farah got in a couple more jokes and screwed up some lines. She wasn't able to get one of them out about his CD. She attempted it about 10 times before finally getting it out. Artie said it was actually a little better than he remembers it being when he saw it live.
Howard said he had some other clips he didn't play. He had Patton Oswalt and George Takei clips. Artie said that both of them were worth listening to. Howard asked if they wanted to hear Patton's clip. Robin said she wanted to hear it so he went ahead and played it. Andy Dick came right up to him and licked his face after he mentioned seeing him lick a roller skate one time. Artie said that Jeff Ross kissed George Takei on the mouth at one point and that video was worth watching as well.
Howard played more of Patton's roast. He got in some good jokes about Lisa Lampanelli. Artie said that Lisa laughs at all of that stuff and appears to be enjoying it but he thinks Howard thinks she's hurting inside. Howard said that every woman wants to be attractive so it has to be tough when she has jokes like that coming at her.
Howard had George Takei's roast so he moved on to that. Howard said he seems to read his lines kind of slowly. Artie said he reads them like a theater act. George had some great jokes about everyone on stage. He got in some good gay jokes about Andy Dick. He quickly mentioned Artie and then moved on to William Shatner. He goofed on his toupee and complained about him pronouncing his name wrong. Howard wondered who wrote all of his material. Artie said he was reading all of his stuff off the teleprompters so it was the writers they had for the show.
Howard said it's odd how they couldn't get any of Shatner's current co-stars on the Roast with him. James Spader wasn't there and even his good friend Leonard Nimoy didn't show up. He did a pre-recorded bit at the start of the show though. Howard got back to the Takei clip where he tells Shatner ''Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.'' Shatner had ridden in on a horse at the start of the show so that fit in perfectly.
Shatner got up at the end of the roast and goofed on everyone who had just goofed on him. He got in a pretty harsh one about poor Lisa Lampanelli who was getting abused pretty good that night. Artie thought that was pretty rough for someone to be calling her a horse like Shatner did.
Shatner went off on each person, one by one, and got in some good jokes about them. He went off on Lisa Lampanelli again and called her a donkey this time. Howard thought his stuff was good and Artie said he was delivering it well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was disappointed in Artie's performance. He said that Betty White did better than Artie. Artie said she did better than many of the comedians there. The caller said that Greg Giraldo was good too. He said Artie was okay but some of the other guys were better than he was. Howard replayed Artie's set from the Shatner roast. They had heard it already but Howard wanted to hear it again.
Howard said Artie had some good jokes in there. He had some good ones about all of the people up on stage. Howard was laughing at his stuff even after hearing it before. Howard asked Artie if Shatner knew who he was. Artie said he got no indication that he did but someone told him that he did know who he was. Artie said he does notice that when Shatner comes on the show he focuses on Howard and Robin more than anyone else there.
Howard told Artie he did a great job on the roast and he doesn't know what those other people are talking about. He told him to go with the 70 percent of the fans who enjoyed his set.
Howard said he's kind of upset that they didn't learn anything new today because it's been months since they had a Fred segment. Howard asked him about his daughter but didn't learn much there. Howard asked him when he last cried. Fred said it was when his father died. That was it, no other details. Howard said that it would be cool if they learned Fred's wife was banging the pool boy or something like that. Fred said that if she's banging the pool boy, he's going to be banging the pool girl. Howard had to go to break a short time later
Howard said he thinks his playing chess is starting to annoy Beth. She swears it's not annoying her but he still thinks it is. Gary came in and said that the Gnarls Barkley guys are supposed to be coming on the show in a month or so. They're big fans of the show so they were up there recently talking to Gary. Howard told Gary that one of his favorite songs was this one... and played a Baba Booey song parody. He did a whole dance along with the song and got winded after just a few seconds.
Gary said he thought Howard was nuts when he talked about doing a Babapalooza concert. He said he thought about it and figured it would be kind of cool to see these people performing songs about him. Howard played more of the parody about Gary. Artie said that Gary is a good sport about that stuff but he got really upset at the car show appearance they made earlier this year when one of the guys started playing the Baba Booey song parodies over the loudspeaker. Gary said that Richie the installer was the one playing the parodies for everyone and he tried to get him to stop.
Gary told a story about getting a gig one time where they asked him to wear a monkey suit. Gary said he had no desire to do anything like that though. Howard wrapped up with that and had Lisa G come in.
Artie said he almost shot his load after the Yanks win yesterday. Howard said he's not into anything as much as Artie is and he might have to try and get into it more. Robin said that there are times when Howard starts talking about the shows he watches and Artie just gets a look on his face like ''How can I love this man?'' Artie said Howard has the manliest audience out there so he doesn't get it when Howard watches that stuff.
Howard was telling the guys that he's been going to therapy for a long time now and he thinks that he's so out of it that he needs someone to talk to about it. He said he has to have someone asking him what's wrong and trying to figure out what his problems are. He said he may have missed out on the whole baseball and football thing as a kid because his father gave him such a hard time when he'd take him to games. He said that Gary and Artie both seem to think that it was a major father-son thing when they would go to games.
Howard said he didn't have any of that kind of thing with his father. Gary went to games with his father so much that when he goes to the stadium now, that's who he thinks about. Artie told some stories about how tough it was to go to a Yankee game after his father died because he has the same thing with his father. Fred said his parents never took him to games but he's still into sports.
Howard said his father took him to Polo Grounds to watch some games when he was a kid. He said he plays softball once in a while but Robin said he's not really into any sports as much as other guys are. Howard said he loves going to sporting events live but he doesn't follow the sports he goes to. He said he'll even go to high school games and watch because he finds it very interesting. Robin said that Artie is a live and die fan for the Yankees.
Howard told the story about hitting his father in the balls with a baseball when he was a kid and how his father complained about that for a month after. Ben called in a short time later and said he heard him lambasting him so he had to call in. He told Howard that he has to show an interest in something to be into it. Howard was saying that at the age of 5 his father expected him to be an adult even though there was no chance of that. He said that his father should have been a role model and should have shown him more interest in the game if he wanted him to get into it.
Gary asked Howard if he ever played little league or anything like that. Howard said he never got into that stuff. Ben said he never got into that stuff. He then asked the guys if they were done bullshitting. He said his father never did that stuff with him and he didn't hold it against him. He was busy trying to get food on the table for his family. Ben said that he used to go out to baseball games as a kid but his father wouldn't bring him, he'd go on his own. Ben said that Howard never showed any interest in the game, that's what he was trying to say.
Howard said that the joy is in teaching your son about things you enjoy and sharing them with them. He tried to find out how old he was when his father brought him to the games because he figured he was a little kid. Ben wasn't sure but he said that Howard never showed any interest in it so he didn't bother to pursue it.
Ben said Howard showed interest in his puppets and playing instruments so that's what they let him do. Gary said his younger son was 5 years old when he brought him to the first baseball game. He said he wanted to leave after the 3rd inning but the more he took him, the more he liked the game. Now his son really likes the game and doesn't want to leave early.
Ben said he still follows baseball and likes the Yankees and Mets but he used to go to see the Dodgers when they were still in New York. Artie thought that was kind of crazy to drive all the way out to see them when the Yanks were right in his back yard.
Howard said that he and his father would watch The Three Stooges and Laurel and Hardy together. They would watch Tarzan together as well so they shared that kind of stuff. Ben said he still likes Tarzan and told Howard ''Ungawa.'' Howard talked about how he just used that word with his dog Bianca the other day since whenever Tarzan said it, the animals would react. He said Bianca did respond to him.
Howard went to the horse track with his father one time and told him that number 8 was going to win. His father told him to shut up but the horse ended up winning. His father thought he knew something but after he couldn't pick another winner he knew Howard knew nothing.
Howard said he thinks his father almost wanted to turn him off to going to stuff with him so that's why he wouldn't take him to games and stuff. He thinks his mother forced his father to take him to the track. Ben said that he knew that Howard would be bored there at the track and he would never go back after that.
Gary said that many years ago just putting food on the table is all a father was supposed to do. Ben said he still believes that a good family structure is all you need. Howard asked his father if he ever asked him how he was, if he was okay. Ben tried to answer but Howard cut him off and said he never even asked him how he was after his divorce or anything about living in the black neighborhood when he was a kid.
Ben said Howard is right. When he was a kid no one asked him how he was doing. Howard asked him why he never thought about doing stuff like that with his son. Robin figures Ben was happy being alone so he didn't bother to ask Howard how he was doing. Gary said he asks his kids how their day was when they come home from school. Ben said that he would wait for his kids to come to him and tell him if they had a problem. Howard said he would never do that because he was afraid that he was bothering him if he did.
Robin told Ben that kids are afraid to talk about stuff so they never do that. The parent has to go to them and ask them what's wrong. Howard said his mother would sit home with her depression and you'd think that his father would ask him how he was handling it. Ben said he didn't have anything like that when he grew up so he just accepted it and didn't do anything different for his own son.
Howard said that his shrink tells him that it's almost like he grew up in the depression himself. His father brought him up just like he was raised. Howard told Ben that he is just like his father and he's just as closed up as he is. He said that they used to listen to the Harry Chapin song ''Cats in the Cradle'' where he sings about how he's going to be just like his father. That's just what happened. Howard keeps to himself just like Ben always did and still does to this day.
Howard was going to let his father go but he asked him what they're doing today. Ben said he's taking Ray out to a nice lunch today. He hasn't eaten breakfast yet. Ben told a story about how there was a mailman out the other day who told him he was listening to his son on the radio he was wearing. Artie asked him how he was feeling about that but Ben said he was very proud of ''this thing.'' He didn't really say he was proud of his son, it was more about the whole ''thing'' which must have meant the whole SIRIUS thing.
Howard let his father go and ended up talking more about his father and how there has never been any dialog between them over the years. Robin said that it always comes back to Ben, he doesn't appear to want to talk about his son and the way he raised him.
Gary told Howard that they really have to move on. They had Lisa G to get to and had some guests waiting to come on. Howard took some phone calls and let some people give their thoughts on all of that stuff. Some people thought Howard was being a baby about everything. Some people thought he was doing a whole Meet the Shrink-like thing with that conversation. Howard said that he's very happy he still has his father around and he would like to give back to them anything that he can. A couple of guys were giving him the Artie ''Wah!'' thing.
Howard had one guy fighting with him so he went into his John the Stutterer impression and went off on him like John did with Yucko recently. He then had Lisa G get to her preview.
Lisa mentioned that they have a new crop of interns coming in this week. Howard said that the Intern Show wasn't on this week because of that but he thought it would have been a great time to have the new interns on the air. Tim Sabean didn't think it was right so he canceled the show this week.
Lisa said that current SIRIUS subscribers are able to get free radios so they can listen at home and in their cars. She said you can go to SIRIUS.com/free to find out more. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that he was talking to his father about how his mother was killed by a hit and run car one time and asked him how he got past it. He said his father just kind of brushed it off and said that you just move on. It wasn't all that big of a deal to him apparently.
Howard said that the last week in August he won't be on the air. He's going to be constructing ''Phase 2'' of the satellite radio experience. He said that they're going to be planning a bunch of stuff for Howard 100 and 101. They will have some technical meetings about how to handle their infrastructure there.
Izabella was saying that a lot of women get money from the men they date and wondered if they have to marry the man not to be considered a prostitute. Howard jokingly said they're all prostitutes.
Howard asked Izabella if she had to sign anything that said she couldn't write a book ( ''Bunny Tales: Behind Closed Doors at the Playboy Mansion'') about him. She said there were no confidentiality agreements or anything like that. Izabella said she was in law school when she met Hef for the first time. She's actually a lawyer but she hasn't taken the bar exam yet. Gary thought that Hef had paid for her law school but Izabella said that's not true at all.
Gary said that Hef is kind of angry about the book as well and he's saying that she should be using that law degree instead of writing a book about him. Howard noticed that Izabella has no nude pictures of herself on her web site (IzabellaStJames.com). She said she won't do that either.
Howard asked Izabella about being one of Hef's 7 girlfriends. He read some stuff from her book where she talks about that. He read that Hef only has sex 2 nights a week, Wednesday and Friday night. Those are the nights that they all go out to clubs according to Izabella. She said that Hef will take his Viagra at a certain time while they're out and then they have to leave about a half hour later exactly.
Hef doesn't allow any of them to flirt with other guys at the clubs. She said that he will have those people escorted out of there. Howard said that they did a show at the Playboy mansion one time and one girl passed him a note saying that she couldn't talk but wanted them to call her cell phone and get her out of there. She seemed almost afraid to talk to anyone. Izabella said they're not held hostage or anything but they will be spoken to if they do something inappropriate.
Howard asked Izabella about the stuff the girls would do in his limo and stuff like that. She said that there would sometimes be 15 girls in the car at the same time and one girl might give him oral in front of everyone. Howard read that Hef had a hard time getting an erection according to Izabella. He said that it's no wonder he doesn't like this book of hers.
Howard gave Izabella a plug for her book ''Bunny Tales: Behind Closed Doors at the Playboy Mansion'' and asked her if there was ever any gay porn on Hef's TV when he would watch porn. She said there was never any gay stuff when she was there. She did say that he would put baby oil all over himself before having sex with the girls. He has some strange fascination with the stuff according to Izabella.
She also claims that some of the girls will get yeast infections because of the baby oil. Hef never wears a condom according to her book. She said that the girls are all risking catching something and so is Hef. Izabella said she remembers one of the girls having gotten Chlymidia and that led to Hef sending out prescriptions to all of the girls who had sex with him around that time.
Izabella said that she would have sex with Hef only if she could go first. She would never go after someone. She also said that she had some lesbian experiences while she was there. She said she figured that it was the right place and the right time to do it since she was there at the mansion.
Howard asked Izabella what kind of money she can make being Hef's girlfriend. She said that the girls get $1000 a week for an allowance. Howard was figuring that's like getting $100,000 of taxed money. Izabella also said that they would have a car and money for clothing for special occasions as well. She said he stopped giving the girls clothing allowances around the time she was leaving though. They get everything taken care of when they're there. Even medical and dental. They even get free plastic surgery. Izabella said she had a nose job done for free thanks to Hef. The implants are all free as well.
Howard asked Izabella about her boobs and she said they were done by Dr. Fisher out in California. He used to be married to Brooke Burke. Izabella was saying that the rooms at the mansion have crappy furniture and stuff in them and she thinks that it's because Hef doesn't own the mansion, it's owned by some company that won't allow upgrades for some reason.
Izabella said she thinks she had the least amount of sex in her life while she was staying there at the mansion. Now she's married which came as a surprise to Howard. Howard took a call from a guy who asked if the girls would ever take a load on their faces. She said that Hef would finish himself off and finish on himself, not on one of the girls.
Howard said it has to be pretty erotic when Hef has all of these girls doing stuff to each other. She said he does seem more interested in watching the girls than actually doing anything with them. Howard took a call from a guy who said this chick was boring and he wanted her off the air because he doesn't want to hear her talking about screwing a crusty old man.
Howard took some other calls and let some guys ask Izabella questions. One guy asked about the gay porn thing that she had already answered. Howard said he's always fascinated by the way Hef runs things over there at Playboy. He asked her if she had planned on writing this book when she first started hanging out with Hef. She said that she didn't want to make any of this stuff public when she started hanging out there but she changed her views after leaving. Robin said that she could be ripping the food out of the girls' mouths by writing this book now.
Ralph called in and said the stuff she was saying wasn't all that bad so Hef shouldn't have a problem with it. He asked Izabella how long it took for the fun to wear off from being there. She said there were about 4 months of real fun but after about 8 months to a year after she moved in things started to change for her. She was having fun with the other girls, she just stayed a little too long. She said if she was going to do it over again, she would only stay for about 6 months.
A caller told Howard that he used to work with Izabella when she worked at a toy store at the age of 16. He said they would have her climb a ladder so they could look up her dress and see her thong. She said she had no idea they were doing that. Another caller went off on her and gave her a bunch of Artie ''Wah'' lines. Izabella mentioned that Hef still hands out Qualudes to the girls. Howard wondered where he can get those things since they haven't been around for many years. She said he may have them left over from the 1960s. Howard wrapped up and took a break a short time later.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who gave him some ''Wah's'' about his father not spending time with him. Howard said that talking to his dad was a very real conversation. He said he loves his father very much and he was a big influence on him in many areas. He said the conversation may have been best kept off the air but he thinks that it almost brings him closer to him.
Artie said that the audience may be using the Wah thing a bit too much. He said they might want to cut down on that a little bit. The caller asked Artie when he's going to be in Philly. Artie said that he's going to be at Dave and Busters on September 8th promoting Beer League the movie. The caller asked if he could come down and hang out with him. Artie told him he'll be at that place and he can come visit.
A caller asked Howard what was up with Dee Snider going on Mike Picozzi's show in Hartford and basically bashing the show. Howard said he doesn't know the guy all that well but he knows that he beat that guy and that guy is still in Hartford and hasn't moved on. He said he remembers Mike as being one of those guys who played records and now he's basically doing his show like so many other people are. Howard believes that he is now building something for other radio guys to move on to like he did on terrestrial radio.
Howard used Bubba the Love Sponge as an example. He said that Bubba is very talented but he couldn't get a job on terrestrial radio after Clear Channel fired him. He said that so many people are concerned with satellite not having an audience yet. It's only the beginning of the first year for him on satellite and he thinks it's going to grow like crazy over the next year.
Howard pointed out that guys like Opie and Anthony are always bashing him but those guys had just 30,000 people sign up for their show when it was an additional fee on XM. He said that what he's doing now is causing jealousy and he's not sure what to tell this guy on the phone. He knows that the jealousy is out there and he does kind of care about it. There are guys out there who are going to claim that he's a failure and that he sucks but that's ludicrous. He said no broadcaster out there has had the success that he's had.
The caller said that he heard that Howard had put in an offer to Mancow to come to their channel. Howard said that isn't true and if it was, he would tell his audience. He said that guy and many others are just blatant liars.
Howard said he's got his fans there at SIRIUS and they're still growing at a huge rate, faster than anyone predicted. People are still bashing them even though they've been doing so well. He said they're taking one more week of vacation than they had at K-Rock and they take most of it during the summer. He knows the fans have a hard time with that but they're working on a lot of stuff to keep them entertained. He said there will always be people jealous of what they're doing there. He wrapped up with that caller and had the guys bring in Beetlejuice.
Howard asked Beet why he's in a bad mood. The guys in the back were talking to Beetlejuice through his headphones so Howard asked the guys to stop with that because he was getting distracted... and it was bleeding through on the air. Howard heard that Beet may have had a little weed this morning and that's what put him in the bad mood.
Howard asked Beet if he smoked weed this morning. He said he didn't and that he hates weed. Howard told him it's illegal too. Beetle said he may have smoked before but ''sometimes he don't even smoke it.'' He told Howard he's on medication for his depression. He said he's been taking Paxil to get over that. Howard asked him how long he's been on that. Beet said it's been about 3 months.
Artie said he was on that stuff for a while but he had a hard time cumming when he had sex. He said he could go for about an hour and the girl would get annoyed with him.
Howard asked Beetlejuice how his manager Sean is doing. He said he's doing just fine. Beet said he just sits in the house all day and he tries to get him to go out and get some exercise. Howard said it didn't seem like Beet was in a really bad mood, he was just in a ''different mood.'' Howard said he's known Beet for many years. Beet said it's been about 14 years.
Howard wanted to see if Beetlejuice knows who a certain guy in the studio was. He had Fred stand up but Beet called him ''Richie Rich.'' He then claimed that he knew it was Fred. Then Howard had Gary say hello to Beetlejuice to see if he knew who he was. Beetlejuice didn't know what his name was. He thought it was Artie. He said he was just fucking with him and it wasn't really Artie. Gary asked him if he knows who Baba Booey was. Beet didn't have a clue, he said that must be a French name or something.
Howard had a phone caller on the line who wanted to talk to Beet about a party he did a few weeks ago. He said that Beet and his driver Mike were saying that Howard is a cheap bastard and that he owes him money. Richard Christy came in to see if Beet knew his name. Beetlejuice had no clue who he was. Richard said Beet has people who worry about that stuff. Howard reminded Beet that he and Richard worked on The Beetlejuice Song together. Howard played some of that for him but Beet didn't seem to remember doing it.
Howard heard that Beetlejuice is doing stand-up comedy now. Beet said he's been doing it for 9 years now. Howard asked him about doing a show recently where some girl pissed him off and he ended up shitting on her floor. Beet claimed that wasn't true and he didn't actually do that.
A phone suggested that Beet might be upset because he was arrested a couple of months ago. Beet rambled off some unintelligible garbage about what happened. Howard said he heard that he got into a fight at a convenience store and ended up getting arrested. The caller said he has a friend who is the State Trooper who showed up there for the initial call. He tried to tell the story but Beet was mumbling stuff the whole time.
Howard asked Beet about getting a ride with High Pitch Eric one time and how he had a girl giving him a blow job in the limo at the time. Beet said he just watched as that was going on and didn't do anything himself. Beetlejuice said he doesn't do stuff like that anymore. No more prostitutes for Beet. He said that pussy doesn't mean anything to him.
Artie asked Beet if he likes cock. Beet said that maybe Artie likes cock. Artie told him he might be a fag but Beet didn't seem to be responding to that stuff. Then Artie asked him when he was going to get fucked up the ass again.
Howard took a call from Crazy Alice (audio clips) who was asking Beet ''Who's dis?'' and cursing him out. Beet was arguing with the clips a little bit. Beetlejuice ended up talking about how he fights pitbulls. It sounded like he was fighting them himself but he was trying to say that he puts dogs up against each other and has them fight. Artie asked him how many he has and he told him he can't answer that because it's personal.
Howard had Gary come back in and asked Beet to pick out Baba Booey. Howard took a call from Bobo who claims that he took a flight with Beet one time and he stunk up the whole plane after shitting his pants. Beet said that's not true and he's talking out of his ass.
Howard took a call from Mark the Bagger (more audio clips) and had him asking Beet some questions. Beet couldn't understand what he was saying so Howard let that caller off the line and took a call from some Blue Iris audio clips next. Sal must have been very busy back in his office making all of those calls. Blue Iris was asking Beetlejuice if he was stroking his cock and stuff like that. Beetlejuice didn't understand what was going on and didn't care about the woman coming on to him on the phone.
Howard had Wood Yi (more audio clips) on the phone and asking Beet if he was the one who stole his wallet. Beet told the guy to speak English.
Howard gave Beetlejuice a plug for some stuff he's got coming up. He's appearing at The Saloon in Manhattan on Friday night from 11pm to 1am. Then on Saturday he's appearing at Pazzos in Brooklyn from 11pm to 1am. You can find out more at JollyDwarf.com. He took a couple more calls from Mike Walker and his mother (even more audio clips). Howard wrapped up with Beet and gave him another plug for those gigs. Artie tried to get him cursing again by calling him gay and stuff like that. Howard let the guys play some Artie and Crackhead Bob clips before he let Beet go. He went to break after that.
Gary told Howard that in the one interview he started to play the interviewer read some comments about her from the web site he was from. They were brutal so Paris said that she was hurt by them. Howard said it's going to be hard to evaluate the album because he doesn't know how much effort she actually put into it herself.
Howard played one song and let it play for a few seconds. He said it sounds like a lot of the stuff he hears but he really doesn't want to like it. Artie said he would lump it in with a lot of bad new music that's out there. Ralph called in during that and called her the C-word because she has no apparent talent.
Gary told Howard to play track 11 on the album because Paris remade ''Do You Think I'm Sexy.'' Howard played the song and Fred threw in some gagging oral sex audio clips to the beat of the song. Howard said the song was awful and then read that she claims she ''like, cries'' when she listens to her own album. He played another track from the album and wasn't impressed by that one either. Robin said that she's laughing all the way to the bank though.
Howard said that there are some stories out there about people having liver problems after using Acutane for acne. Howard said that it might be worth it if you can get past the painful acne. He read the article and talked about how some people have to choose between vanity and living a long time.
Howard said he got an e-mail from someone who wants to offer Jeff a job at a supermarket. Robin said that Jeff can't bag or stock shelves so she's not sure what else he could do. Artie said that he got a call from Jeff yesterday and he's looking for more money. He said he's not going to send Jeff anymore of those fliers he was sending him, he's going to have him just go out and yell out some plugs for Beer League.
Howard said they got a note from Brooke Hogan, Hulk Hogan's daughter, who is apparently friends with Mary. Brooke said that she was upset with the way Mary acted on the air and that she was talking about abortions the way she was. She said that she may have to rethink their whole friendship after seeing the show. Howard wondered how she became friends with her and if she even knows that she's a porn star.
The guys spent a minute talking about what she said and what happened with Mary last week. Howard didn't think Mary's appearance was all that bad and he's not sure why people are so upset with her. He said that stuff is all on Howard TV this week.
Howard said that someone asked him what the first Baba Booey song ever recorded was. He'd like to know himself so he asked the guys to look into that. He read through a bunch of other quick e-mails. He said they got some feedback about Debbie Schlussel's show and someone wrote in and told Howard he's gay for liking ''Kyle XY.'' He got some feedback about Joe Walsh and the James Gang's performance yesterday.
Jon Hein had a Wrap Up Show preview ready to go after his theme song was played. Jon said they'll talk about the discussions they had about Howard not going to baseball games with his father. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
High Pitch Eric called in and told the guys that he's going to be working as a Bartender next week. He also said that he's been playing chess lately and he's at about a 680 score right now. He wants to play Howard online but Howard wants to play him in person so he can't cheat. Eric said he's been playing for about 4 weeks already and he knew that the Knight moves in an L-shape. Howard said he will play against him and if he loses against him, he's going to give up on ever playing again.
Howard mentioned that the Howard TV guys have a bunch of great stuff to watch. He said they have Amy Lynn getting oiled from many years ago. They also have JD at Hedonism and Tommy Chong up this week. There's also a Miss Nude World from 1999 show up on Howard TV.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Artie what he has against her because he had mentioned her while Robin was talking about Roger Ebert having problems with cancer. Artie said he doesn't have a problem with her, he was just making a joke. Mariann told him that he's on her shit list right now because of that comment he made. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later around 11:25am.
Howard started off the show saying that he woke up early this morning so he could watch Rockstar Supernova. He also played a couple of games of chess. Artie was making fun of him as soon as he mentioned the Rockstar Supernova thing.
Howard said that High Pitch Eric wants to play him in a game of chess so Doug Goodstein was looking to do something special for that show. Howard doesn't think that many people would care but Artie said he caught some of the Superfan Roundtable last week and apparently the fans do care. Howard thinks he might choke under pressure and Eric might beat him. Howard said he stunned a guy when he mated a guy last night. He took out a couple of his rooks and took him by surprise.
Howard said Eric wants to compete in a karaoke contest instead. Robin said no one cares about something like that. Howard said that when someone wants to do something, it's no fun.
Howard said that Dave Grohl gave them a shout out at a Foo Fighters concert there in New York City at the Beacon Theater and said it's really cool how much everyone likes the acoustic version of ''Everlong'' that he did on the show years ago. Howard played the song that was performed on the show back when they were at K-Rock (3/18/1998).
Howard said that song brings up a lot of emotion when he hears it. He said he thinks about his own children struggling through stuff and how he wants to help them get through anything he can. It just hits a chord with him in that way.
Howard and the guys ended up talking about the guys from Jackass and how great the Jackass movie was. He said that the second movie is coming out soon and he saw a preview for it where Johnny Knoxville was blindfolded in a bull ring where it looked like he was about to be gored.
Howard said he likes Johnny and he remembers him sending letters to them asking to come on and shock his balls on the air but Tom Chiusano didn't want anything to do with it so he told them they couldn't do it. A couple of years later Johnny was on MTV doing Jackass. Robin said that she likes when they do stupid things like sneak up behind a rhino and stick it in the ass. Artie said he likes when they go out on a golf course and play a horn just before the other players hit the ball.
Howard said that's the nature of the business and you really have to get an iron clad contract and get everything out of it that you can. A perfect example was Chevy Chase who was hired to do a show for FOX. They were naming theaters after the guy when they hired him but after 9 weeks, when his show failed, the company was trashing him in the press.
Howard read the article where Sumner says that Tom's behavior is unacceptable. He mentions the jumping up and down on the couch that he did on Oprah's show. Tom also had Katie Holmes change her name to Kate. Robin and Howard said that behavior might be a little odd but it's not that bad. Howard said he just doesn't understand it when these big companies go out and do something like this. It's like they're jealous of the stars and feel they have to bash them for no apparent reason. It's their conduct that's unacceptable according to Howard.
Howard brought up this guy John Mark Karr who claims to have killed Jonbenet Ramsey. He said he doesn't believe that this guy killed her but he certainly doesn't feel bad for the guy. He said he read that this guy's mother tried to kill him when he was a baby by setting him on fire. That's probably why the guy is so messed up. He read the article to Robin and said that the woman boxed the baby into a ring of kindling wood and was about to set him on fire when his brother came in and found them.
Howard brought up Bob Dylan and said that his book is pretty interesting. He also said that the guy has been claiming that modern recordings of music are awful and no one has brought out a decent album for years. Howard said the guy is also saying that people downloading songs on the web is no big deal because music ''ain't work nothing anyway.'' Howard said the guy appears to be a fucking ass from what he can tell.
Howard said he has a meeting coming up where he's going to talk to the guys about the state of radio and how they will be proceeding with the shows after the Labor Day Weekend.
The caller brought up Howard's mention about how he was talking about running for president. Howard said that Beth brought that up the other day and said that she'd like to be included in the discussions about that because it will effect her as well. During that conversation Artie mentioned that he and Dana are over again. He said that whenever they talk for more than 30 seconds they get into a fight and they end up calling each other assholes and stuff like that.
Artie said that Dana will even start making comments about going to eat something else. Artie said he was actually eating something when she said it though. Howard wanted to know more about what they're talking about when they fight like that. Artie didn't want to get into that stuff. He said he just gets into a ton of shit with her.
Artie said that Dana had called him on the day he was doing the Shatner roast and wished him luck. Howard started to dig more to try and find out what it was that brought them to the fight. Artie said that he was on his way to work one morning after the roast and they ended up screaming at each other on the phone. Then they had a date over the weekend and even fucked but then last night they got into another fight and now they're broken up again.
Gary said that he's talked to Howard about how couples who have to go to counseling before a marriage are already done. Howard said he knew a woman who wanted her fiancee to go with her to marriage counseling just to make sure things were going to work out when they did get married. They were already getting along fine but she wanted the guy to know exactly what marriage was going to be about. Howard thinks that marriage should be effortless in the first 5 years. He thinks that Artie and Dana are already over and if they keep going back and forth like they are, they're never going to work it out.
Artie said he doesn't like that all of this stuff is on the air but Howard told him that he's not going to leave the audience out of these discussions. Howard tried to figure out what it was that Artie and Dana could have been fighting about. He made up a conversation and Artie wasn't happy with what he was saying because he knows that Dana will get interpretations about what was said on the show and it'll be all wrong. Howard was doing an impression of both Dana and Artie and making up stuff they might say to each other.
Robin asked if Dana cries during those conversations. Artie said she does sometimes do that. Howard and Robin both said they love Dana and can't believe he makes her cry. Artie also said that he may sometimes say that the Yankee game is more important than talking about their relationship.
Howard said he's always adored Dana and he feels bad for both of them. Artie was more upset that Dana is going to get the interpretation of Howard's conversation and they're going to tell her that they were saying her pussy stinks. Howard said saying something like that can drive a chick insane.
Artie is going to do David Letterman's show tonight so he's very nervous about going. Howard asked him what he's going to wear. Artie was already dressed in what he was going to wear so Howard told him that the shirt is a very nice wrinkled shirt. Artie said he'll probably wear a leather jacket over that. He's got a leather jacket he paid $600 for back in the 1980s.
Howard said he used to love Axl Rose when he was out there wearing whatever he wanted to. Now he's got corn rows and plastic surgery and he's gone a little too crazy with that stuff. Artie said he'll probably be telling some stories about his career with Dave but he has to go and talk to a producer before going on the show. He said he has to pitch stories and then the pre-interviewer will tell him what stories to use on the air.
Artie said he's probably going to tell the story about Norm MacDonald saying that he's like a date rapist. Howard told him that story is killer so he should try to tell that one. That led to Howard talking about how hard Letterman has to work with some guests sometimes. He said that he had a clip of Kate Hudson telling a story and Dave pretending to find it funny. Howard played the clip and Kate just rambles on and on telling this boring story that was going nowhere. Dave feigns interest and chuckles a little bit while the audience remains silent.
Artie said that Cameron Diaz was on the show once and told a really boring story. After she told the story there was dead silence and Dave just stared at her for a few seconds and then asked her ''So how do you like making them movies!'' He said Dave can be very dismissive with some stuff on the show. Howard said if he does that you just have to move on to something else.
Artie said there are times when Howard is dismissive as well. He said that he's told some comedians that Howard always has his ''W.E.R... (What Else Robin) for slow moments on the show. That's how he will move on from jokes that he doesn't laugh at. Artie was telling Howard that he would never hit a woman but he does get pretty abusive verbally with them. He knows that if he could play back the tapes of what he's said, he would be embarrassed by what he's said. He does fight dirty sometimes and he's embarrassed to repeat what he says to her.
Howard took a call from a guy and moved on from Artie's stories. That's another way for him to move on other than the W.E.R. Howard said that everyone on Howard 100 and 101 will be discussing Artie on every show today. Artie said that Steve Langford will be coming along with him to Letterman's show so they'll have reports about that today.
The phone caller Howard had on the line said that everyone in his local firehouse said that Dana's pussy does NOT stink. He was trying to make a joke but Howard cut him off thinking that he was going to say that it did stink. Gary came in and asked Artie if he thinks he might get bumped because Letterman has Busta Rhymes and John McEnroe on the show tonight. Busta has big news because he was recently arrested and Dave may want to talk to him about that. Artie said he's prepared to be bumped from the show. Artie said he is actually supposed to be on before Busta so he thinks he may get on.
Gary remembers David Hyde Pierce getting bumped when Howard was on Letterman one night. He said he was watching the guy look at his watch while sitting in the green room there. Artie said he went on Craig Kilborn's show one night and followed George Carlin who is like the best comedian ever. He said that was pretty rough.
The caller Howard had on the line asked Howard why they don't set up a line to his parents house so they can get Meet the Sterns back. Howard said Tim Sabean was supposed to set that up but it hasn't happened yet. He said that a lot of people love his parents and they'd love to have them on the air more. He read a couple of e-mails about them and some people thought he was a little rough on him. Other people thought the conversation was very nice and it was great to hear them talking about their relationship.
The caller said that his father was constantly on his ass and would whoop his ass once in a while. He said he and his brother really hated the guy's guts when they were growing up. Now all of a sudden he's their buddy. Howard thinks that it was a good moment for the guy and his father but the guy was saying that it's a little too late for that. The guy was actually comparing that relationship to 9/11. Then the guy was saying he might go take his anger out on his Mexican neighbors for no reason.
The caller said he doesn't know what to do with this relationship now. Howard wasn't sure what he should do either but told him he might want to work things out with his father or maybe just tell the guy to kiss his ass. Ralph called in after that and told the caller that the guy's father probably just wanted to come home and rest after working all day so wanting him to do things with him might be asking too much. Ralph was saying that he and his father don't sit down and have that father son talk like people want.
Howard said the guy who is a great dad is the guy on ''Kyle XY'' because he answers everything the right way. Artie said there are a lot of great fathers on TV. Too bad they're not real. Howard let Ralph go and thanked the guy for calling in. He told him to get a grip on himself and move on.
Howard took another call from a guy who told Artie that he should write down this time and date and keep it in mind because he thinks that Beth is eventually going to walk away from her relationship with Howard because she's eventually going to want children. Howard said that Beth knows that he doesn't want kids and he's been very honest about that. Howard said he and Beth are both getting along fine without kids.
The caller was also trying to say that it was Howard's fault that his mother never got picked up when she was supposed to be last week. Howard tried to explain that to the guy but the caller was on a cell phone and couldn't hear him. Howard hung up on the guy and mentioned some of the guests they have coming in soon. Howard went to break after that.
Howard had Lisa G in to give her Howard 100 News preview. She said that Steve Langford will be with Artie tonight as he goes to do his thing at Letterman. The Howard 100 News van will be there as well. Lisa said that they have given a show to Johnny Fratto who will be on tonight doing a show live from Los Angeles. Tim Sabean came in and said that the show is going to be called ''Meet the Frattos'' and they'll have all kinds of celebrity guests on with them. Howard was doing an impression of Johnny and making up what the show might be like. He said that Howard TV will be recording the show as well.
Howard said he was over at the In Demand studios talking to them about possibly doing another film festival next year. He's very excited about that. He said the Howard.tv web site won some award for good web sites. He said it's the Gold Mark Award for advertising alternative media or something like that.
Lisa said they're going to have another roast there on October 5th. This time it will be Gary getting roasted. Howard said he moved the roast back to the morning because he didn't like doing it at night like they did the last time.
Elijah talked about how he used to live with his mother Cher. He said he's got his own place now though. He said it was crazy living there and he really had to get out of there. Howard said he heard that Elijah was talking to the guys out in the office about how his mother used to date Tom Cruise. Elijah said that Tom was a little different back then. He said Tom was cool back then and he doesn't think he was a Scientologist. He thinks that Mimi Rogers got him into that stuff along with a bunch of other celebrities out there.
Elijah said that the Scientology people are very sensitive about being bad mouthed. He thinks it's more of a secret hand shake club for people who are famous and have money.
Howard said he heard that Elijah had gone back into rehab since the last time they saw him. Elijah said he was on the ''big stuff'' which meant he was on heroin. He said he walked into a hotel room one day and there were about 150 people in there to do an intervention with him. That led to him going into rehab.
Howard asked Elijah if he heard from Bijou Phillips after he was on the show last since he called her ''3 o'clock slop.'' He said he didn't hear from her but he did hear from Heather Graham who wasn't too happy about what he was saying about her on the air. Howard said this kid has been with a lot of hot chicks. He's been with Paris Hilton. Elijah said ''Who hasn't?'' Howard asked him if he had to work that or if she was easy. Elijah said he was going to let Howard figure that one out on his own. Howard figured she was easy, Elijah didn't deny it.
Howard asked Elijah if he thought Paris had any musical talent when he was with her. He said that these days, with computers and all, anyone can sound okay. Howard asked him about his mother and if it was weird for him when she was with Rob Camaletti. Elijah said that a lot of those guys he would cling to because he was looking for a father figure. He said he loved Gene Simmons and Tom Cruise when they were dating his mother.
Howard asked Elijah about his father Greg Allman and if he has contact with him. He said he was just talking to him the other day. He did stay in contact with him over the years but his mother kept him at bay and that was probably the best thing for him. He said he did start hanging out with him when he was about 12 or 13 but everyone knew that he was always fighting addictions. Now he thinks about mortality more and wants to get along with his father because he knows he won't be around forever.
Howard asked Elijah how much heroin he was doing. He said it wasn't even all that much, it's just what it does to your life that screws it up. He said that the drug is like your own private little escape hatch from reality. Artie said he did heroin a few times and it made you just not give a shit about your problems. It didn't make you forget them though.
Howard asked Elijah about Paris Hilton again and wanted to know what that's like. Elijah was trying to explain himself but Howard kept throwing out questions like ''Is her ass flat?'' and things like that. Elijah said it is a little flat. He also said that she was a lot younger then, probably about 17 or 18, and he's pretty sure she wasn't a virgin back then. He said he was about 24 at the time but that doesn't mean that much to him now. Robin was pointing out that she was underage back then but Elijah was kind of worried he was going to hear from publicists and lawyers after this.
Elijah was saying that there's a term known as P.O.D. which is Post Orgasmic Disgust. There's also Pre-POD and something he calls Free OD. He said that he went downstairs after banging Paris and sort of got freaked out that he had not used any contraceptive when he did her. He said he reached for the nearest household cleaning agent and proceeded to clean himself off with Tilex or something like that. He didn't want to get any diseases or anything so that's what he used. He figures it worked because he didn't catch anything.
Howard wanted to know how he got Paris Hilton. He wouldn't get into details and said that when Paris' cell phone information got on the web, he got about 6,000 phone calls and that kind of turned him off. She screwed up with that.
Elijah said he saw Paris once in a while after that. Howard wondered if the sex was good with her. He said all he really remembers is the Tilex incident. He said there might be a reason he doesn't remember it. Howard figures that she must be good in bed after seeing her home sex video. Elijah wouldn't way what he thought about all of that though.
Elijah was defending Nicole Richie saying that she's like his little sister these days but he did have sex with her years ago. Howard wanted to know who was better in bed, Nicole or Paris. He did say that he will back Nicole up in everything she does because she's the one with the talent and she really doesn't deserve the attention she's getting from the media right now.
Howard asked Elijah who was at his intervention. Jonathan Davis from KoRn was there, his band mates, people from his record label, his mother and others were there. Elijah said he was supposed to be going to a Deftones photo shoot that day and he was suckered right into it.
Howard asked about Elijah's sister Chastity and how she's doing. Elijah said she's doing good and has lost a lot of weight. Howard asked about his mother and how she handles him appearing on the show. He said she's fine with it and his mother respects what Howard has done in his career. He seems to think that she's afraid of what Howard might ask her if she was on. She is a fan of his movie ''Private Parts'' as well.
Howard gave Elijah a plug for his band's album ''Phantasmagore'' which is out now. Elijah also agreed to play a song for them acoustically. He said he'd be performing ''Carrying Over'' for them and it would be a little Bowie-esque. Howard messed around with the microphones a little bit and then Elijah went right into the song on his 12 string guitar.
Howard told Elijah he had done a good job but Elijah thought he was a bit jet lagged. He explained the song to the guys and said that he was trying to do something a little Bowie-esque with the song. Howard asked him about the name of his band and why they use ''Deadsy.'' Elijah said he was looking for a band name years ago and saw a short form animation clip and there was a word in it that he liked. He didn't want a real name or anything so he used the Deadsy thing. Howard told him that something like Canned Sardines would be better.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's been trying to find this album all over the place and it's nowhere to be found. Elijah said that they actually under shipped the album and the best place to get it is at FYE stores. He said a lot of retail stores are closing these days because the internet is taking off so much for album sales.
Howard asked Elijah about the stuff that Bob Dylan has been saying about today's music. Elijah said that Bob is god and whatever he says goes and that's it. He said that Bob was doing music in a time when music was profound and these days the music has become so mundane that he's upset about it. He's trying to get musicians to wake up and start making some decent music.
A caller asked Elijah if he's into any ass play with those chicks he was with. Elijah said he's not into that stuff. Gary came in and asked Elijah if his mother ever had guys over to their house that he really couldn't believe were there. He said that Val Kilmer was pretty cool and he thought he was a good guy. He said that Val gave him a human scalp as a gift one time. A Native American asked him to give that back and bury it but he's got it on display in a glass case now.
Howard said he had a skull for a while but when he found out that it was an Asian woman, he felt kind of guilty about it. He had it on his desk with a cigar in it's mouth and that woman probably never expected that she would end up on Howard Stern's desk with a cigar in her mouth.
Howard gave Elijah another plug for his album and played a little bit of the album as they were going to break. Elijah was asking if the fans have been following him to SIRIUS. Howard said they are coming over and SIRIUS has over 4 million subscribers now. They spent a short time on that and then Howard got to the Deadsy album and told Elijah to come back in a couple of years and fill them in on the chicks he's banged.
Howard said that Joan is looking good these days but he can't believe that she's still working. Joan said she doesn't know what she would do if she wasn't working. Howard said he's seen Joan do shows many times. He saw her a couple of years ago. Joan couldn't believe that he didn't remember that she was in this new studio once already.
Howard said he heard that Joan has become friends with Camilla Parker Bowles. She said she's been to the palace with the Prince and she thinks that he's cute and fun to be around. Howard thought she used to joke about him looking like Dumbo. She said she likes sophisticated men and that's what he is to her.
Howard asked Joan about what she thinks of Mel Gibson. She joked that his bumper sticker says ''My Other Car is an Oven.'' Howard asked her if she knows Arnold Schwarzenegger because he had him (Fake Arnold) on the phone. Joan seemed to know that this guy might be a phony and said if it was really him then she was happy to talk to him. Howard asked Arnold for his thoughts on Mel Gibson. He said he's a good friend of his and what he said about the Jews was no big deal because he was just a little drunk. By that time Joan said she knew this guy was a fake.
Howard kept it going with Fake Arnold and Joan found it hard to believe that this was the real guy. Arnold was talking about Joan's jewelry which his wife buys himself. Arnold goofed on Joan talking about her plastic surgery and stuff like that. Howard let Arnold go a short time later after he told Joan to keep her face stretched tight.
Joan said that if that was really him... Howard told her it wasn't him, he didn't have the heart to keep it going with her after his Jew comments.
Joan told Howard about going out camping with her grandson. She said she brought a staff along with her to take care of them out there though. She said they spent a week out in the country together. Joan said that it was fabulous spending time with the kid. She's going bowling with the kid this week.
Howard read that Joan broke up with her boyfriend again recently. She said that he's been very ill lately and his family won't let her have dinner with him because they think that it will upset his eurotrash girlfriend.
Howard said that Joan is starting a new TV show where she's going to do a gay version of The View. She said she will be back later this year to promote that show because it doesn't start until January. She said they went through 2000 gay guys and they are going to have the former governor of New Jersey, James McGreevy, on the show. She said they will have regular guests on the show.
Joan told Howard that she had a 71 year old man recently who was able to get it up without viagra. She said the guy was able to enter her without the help of pills. Howard seemed to be surprised by that. He was saying that her breasts look good for her age. He asked her about getting lubed up down there as well. She said that she throws everything in there she can. Howard asked Robin and Joan what they use for lube. Robin said she just throws it in there without telling the guy before she does. They weren't saying exactly what they use though.
Howard asked Joan what it's like to have sex at her age because she must still feel like a 20 year old inside. She said she keeps the lights out because she doesn't want the guy seeing her. Joan also talked about what it's like to get old and how much it sucks.
Joan told Howard that a friend of hers told her that if you eat Cool Whip, women get vaginal farts. She said she tried that and she had some farts down there. She didn't want to get in trouble legally so she was saying that the Cool Whip does that ''allegedly.'' Howard said that's funny because when he eats M&M's, he ejaculates chocolate.
Howard gave Joan a plug for her show she's going to be doing from the red carpet at the Emmys on Sunday night. She said that people will have to go out and find the show on the TV Guide Channel but she and her daughter will both be there. Robin heard that Jon Hein will be there doing some stuff for them as well. He'll be doing the Pre-Pre-Show while Joan will be doing the Pre-Show. Howard wondered when Jon Hein became a big player in Hollywood.
Jon came in and said he got the call and they asked him to do the show before Joan's show. Gary said that he got Jon's itinerary because he gave that to JD so he could record it. Jon said that when he sold his web site to TV Guide, they asked him to do it. Howard told Joan about how TV Guide paid millions for his web site JumpTheShark.com and that seemed to piss her off because she and Melissa don't get paid all that much according to her. Howard gave her another plug for her show that's airing this Sunday night.
Howard talked to Joan about the way these companies are bad mouthing entertainers these days. She said that she had the same problems when she left NBC. Howard told her about Sumner Redstone bad mouthing Tom Cruise after all of the money he's made for the company.
Richard Christy came in and asked Howard if he wanted to play a game of ''What's Older'' with Joan. He mentioned things that might be older than her. Here they are:
After the break we heard a couple of song parodies and bits and Green Day's performance of ''Basket Case'' from back at K-Rock. Howard took a phone call from a woman who wished Artie luck on his Letterman appearance tonight. Artie thanked her for that and Howard let her go.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said he saw Beth on TV with their dog Bianca and she was looking fat. Howard said the dog is getting a little big. That led to the guys talking about how much time Beth spends taking care of that dog.
Howard said that he loves Rev. Bob Levy but he decided to write a Baba Booey song parody and he just missed with the song. Artie told Howard that Bob is going to kill himself when he hears this. Howard played the song which was ''Baba Booeyland Forever'' and the guys were laughing but they were laughing because it was so bad. Artie said it was a swing and a miss. The guys picked the song apart and goofed on Bob. Howard said the bar has been raised with the Baba Booey songs lately so it's kind of crazy to even try and create a song. Artie pointed out that Bob had said ''Yell like pee'' instead of yellow like pee at one point in the song.
Sal came in and told Howard that after Bob recorded the song he said that he has to get a studio in his basement. Sal said he held in the laughter so Bob wouldn't know he had done so horribly. Bob called in a short time later and said that he knew he didn't nail it on that. He said Sal was lying to Howard if he told him he had said that Howard was going to love it. Howard replayed the start of the song again and Artie asked him why he didn't finish the yellow word.
Richard came in and said that they had so much work to do on Monday and Bob asked them to help write lyrics. They told him he had to work on them himself. Artie was afraid that the song was going to be stuck in his head for the rest of the day and he's going to bomb on Letterman because of it.
Howard played a couple of Baba Booey song parodies that have come in lately that are pretty good. There was a Jimi Hendrix parody and a Grease parody. Sal said that you can't screw up a Baba Booey song parody but Bob somehow managed to do that.
Howard let Bob go and got in a few plugs for the upcoming shows they have on Howard 101. Tonight at 7 they have ''Meet the Fratto's'' with Johnny Fratto and his son. That led to Howard and Artie doing their Johnny Fratto impressions. Sal told Howard that it should be Howard and Artie doing the Meet the Fratto's show instead of the real guys. The two of them were having some fun goofing on the stuff that Johnny talked about the last time he called in.
Richard wasn't sure if his father killed the cow or if the butcher did it. He said he'll have to ask him. Richard also said that his father told him that he almost got bitten by Snappy the other day when he picked it up. Artie said that's weird news that he would pass along to his son. It's like telling him that they have another pet that's going to shit all over the living room. Richard said the turtle is an outdoor pet.
Howard said that Elegant Elliot Offen is upset that they don't pay attention to him these days so he's been leaving them messages. He played one of the messages where Elliot points out that SIRIUS has lost another $272 million in the last quarter. He told Howard that he's in the twilight of his fucking career and laughed in that bizarre, psycho laugh of his. He sounded very angry and Howard figures it's because they haven't been paying any attention to him.
Howard wondered how Richard and Sal get through so fast. Sal sai dthat he had 3 phoones going at the same time in his bathroom, in his basement at 11:30 at night. Richard siad there were actually more than what they heard but they cut it down a little bit.
Howard congratulated the guys on that great call and wondered if they should play another one. Richard said they were out to eat with Artie the other day and JD told them to call this public access show so that's what they did. Howard played that one and the sound quality on these public access shows is awful. Richard called in and told the host that his son had been jaking off into the laundry. The host hung up on him and there was a loud pop each time he'd hang up the phone. The host was trying to do a psychic thing but Sal and Richard were relentless with their calls. They were quick on hanging up on them though so they didn't get their full questions out.
Richard said the visiual of these people is great. That guy looks like he's 70 years old with a grey mullet and a leather coat. Sal siad the reverb on their voices was so bad bcasue they were calling from a bathroom at the restaurant they were at.
Howard had another clip where Richard and Sal called into a show where some Asian women were taking calls. Richard told them that he's in an inter-species relationship and he's fucking a squirrel. They hung up and threatened to post his phone number on the internet. Sal called in and asked the women if they were Chinese. They are so he asked them for some advice because he was shooting fireworks out of his wife's pussy. They hung up on him and threatened to post his number as well.
Howard played another prankcall that they had Gary the Retard maek to this nut who they've called before. The host siad the show he was trying to do was for intellectuals. Gary called the guy back and told him that he was a retard. The guy would hang up on him and take more calls but Gary would be there every time. Artie was laughing his ass off at that one. Richard said that guy is another funny looking guy.
JD came in to give the guys some information about soem of the shows tehy call but Fred played his techno theme son and he ran out.
Howard said that High Pitch Eric has issued a challenge to play chess online. Howard said he's not going to play him online, he wants to play him in the studio so there's no hanky panky going on there. Sal asked Howard if he plays when Beth is around. He said he's got a life of his own and doesn't just sit there looking at Beth. They still have a great sex life though and they did it last night. He said he had wild time with her in that cast on her foot.
Sal had made a joke about Beth doing John Stamos in their apartment when they were over one time. Howard said that Beth didn't do John even though she was naked in a bathtub with him at the time. Howard said he had Rebecca Romijn in his bed naked but he didn't do anything with her.
Richard asked Robin who she fantasizes about when she's doing herself. She told Richard it's definitely not him. Howard sent the boys back to their room after that.
Steve gave his rundown of what they have coming up on Howard 100 News today. He gave the same basic rundown of what Lisa G gave earlier. Steve also said that they'll have a report about a parody of Artie's movie that's creating a buzz on YouTube.com.
Howard said that the people at In Demand do a lot of research with their fans and they've found that 87 percent of the fans are satisfied with what they see but they have asked for less male nudity and no Richard Christy.
Steve wrapped up his preview and then Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview. Howard talked to Jon about the stuff he's going to be doing for TV Guide's Emmy coverage on Sunday night. Jon said that all of those years sitting in front of the TV have finally paid off.
Jon said that they'll be talking about Artie going on Letterman tonight and about the latest on Artie and Dana's relationship. Howard said he can't keep up on what's going on there. They'll also be talking about Joan Rivers' appearance and her discussion with Fake Arnold. Elijah Blue will also be another subject for the show later on after Howard's show. Richard and Sal will also come in to talk about the prank calls they just played. Howard went to break after that.
Artie said that Dan doesn't have a lot of time for song parodies because he's a real poon hound. Howard said he heard that story at the creative meeting recently.
Robin started her news with a story about Jimmy Kimmel getting a game show on ABC. Howard said he got pissed when he heard about that because he was once offered a game show from the same company but the game was kind of complicated and he didn't want to do it. He said Jimmy's show seems to be pretty simple and so does Howie Mandel on ''Deal or No Deal.'' Robin has done a couple of game shows and you end up taping a week's worth of shows in just one day. It's no big deal really. She appeared on ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' one time and they had Big Foot Matt sitting in the audience playing the part of her boyfriend. Regis was having no part of that. Artie said they should do that again and have their new Big Foot Matt play the part of Robin's boyfriend.
Robin got back to her news but Howard interrupted and told the guys that Richie Wilson from In Demand found a clip on the web of a kid trying to light his own fart on fire but he ended up shitting himself and making a mess on his hand. He didn't say where the clip was on the web but he was going to show it to Artie off the air.
Howard read some e-mail in the middle of the news and one person said that he liked hearing the guy who came in with his mother who rode the Sybian. He actually wanted to send along an extra $.36 to pay for the boner he got from that. There was some feedback about the Tom Petty song that he cut off when Fred tried to play it yesterday. Some listeners thought that he should have kept the song going and there's a whole thread about it on SternFanNetwork.com. Howard said ''Too bad...'' to the fans who were upset that he cut it off.
Howard and Artie were still doing their Johnny Fratto impressions during the news. Howard said he can't wait to hear that show. He'll probably be playing clips on tomorrow's show. Johnny called in and told Howard he wanted to tell a story but Howard told him to save it for tonight. Johnny also asked Artie to bring a bottle of his spaghetti sauce on the Letterman show tonight. Artie said he'll get kicked right off if he does that.
Howard asked Johnny if he's going to get Paris Hilton on the show tonight. He said he's not sure so Howard asked him what he could do to make sure she appears. He said she does love that little dog she's got and he'd hate for something bad to happen to it. He also talked about her monkey but Howard cut him off and told him to save it for his show. Johnny didn't want to save it, he wanted to tell them about this monkey. He let him tell the story but it didn't make a lot of sense. Howard wished him luck with the show tonight and said that's going to be some show...
Gary came in around 11am and told Howard that Nick Lachey was sitting out in the lobby. He wondered if Howard wanted him to come in. Howard told him to go see if he'd come on the show. Robin continued her news while they waited for Gary to go do his thing. Robin finished up her news a short time later so Howard started to end the show. He figured Nick didn't want to come on.
Gary came in and told Howard that Nick was in the middle of a phone call when he went back in the green room so he wasn't able to ask him if he wanted to come on. He said the phone call he was on sounded pretty boring to him because he was talking about maybe getting back together with his band 98 Degrees. Howard did his commercial and told Gary to go out and get the guy. Howard finished his commercial but Gary still hadn't gone out to get him. Howard told him to try again and he'd wait even though he wanted to get out of there. Gary came back again and said that Nick was back on the phone and his bodyguard told him he was going to be on the phone for another 45 minutes or so. Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he needs to figure out how to make the show happen later in the day, like 2 hours later, because he's so tired. He said he had a lot of stuff to discuss today. Artie was on Letterman last night so he has to play that clip. He said Artie was very good on there. Robin didn't know how good he was because JD was telling her that he did just ''okay.''
Howard heard from Vinnie Favale last night who said that Artie as so good that Dave has already invited him back to do another show. Artie said he got a call from his manager who said that they've already booked him to come back in December. He said things really went well over there yesterday. He told Robin he told the Don Rickles ''baby gorilla'' story on the show.
King of all Japs called in and said that he thought Artie did a great job last night. Howard said he tuned in and saw Busta Rhymes doing his thing on Letterman last night and it's odd to see him after he was arrested recently. Artie said that Busta walked up to him last night and asked him when they were going to have him on satellite. He said Busta had quite a posse there with him at the show. He said there were a ton of people spilling out into the halls.
Artie said he had a posse of just Steve Langford over there. Steve went along to cover Artie's appearance for Howard 100 News. Howard took a call from Bong Hit Bill who said Artie did a great job on the show. Bill also said he's going to see Artie down at the Borgata on Saturday night but they're listing Ralphie May as the headliner even though Artie is actually headlining.
Artie said that Scott was asking him about hooking up Double A so he can get back stage and he thought it was odd that Scott was doing that. Gary explained to Artie this morning that Scott was getting a room through Double A down there so that's why he was doing him the favor of getting him back stage. Scott said that he was asking for tickets for Double A, not for back stage passes.
Scott said that Ronnie suggested that he call Double A to get tickets when he was looking for them. Howard thought that was kind of weird because he's going to the fans for that kind of stuff. He told Scott that now this becomes Artie's problem. Now Scott has become Double A's pimp and he's bothering Artie for tickets.
Howard wondered how Scott makes that call to Double A. Scott didn't know why this was a big deal so Howard explained that it becomes their burden when he starts asking for stuff for Double A. Howard said Scott isn't doing that bad there as an engineer.
Artie told Scott that he didn't bring all of this up, it was Gary who did. Scott said that he's done with Double A and he won't stay at the Borgata. The guys thought he was whining about this stuff but he claimed he wasn't, he just figured he'd find another place to stay. Scott said he wasn't looking for a free room, he was looking for a discounted rate.
Gary came in and said that about 5 people told him about this Double A story so he passed it along to Howard. He had heard that Scott was looking for a free room. Artie said Double A won't have a problem getting in free, he didn't bring this stuff up and he's not upset about it.
Double A called in and told the guys that he wasn't looking for anything free, he wanted to get in but wanted to pay for the stuff. Howard was trying to explain to Double A that this was all Scott but Double A wasn't hearing what he was saying and just kept talking so he hung up on him.
Ronnie came in and said he did tell Scott to call Double A and also told him that it would come back to bite him in the ass. Ronnie said he's not even staying at the Borgata, he's staying at the Trump Marina instead so he doesn't have to deal with this stuff.
Gary said he heard that Scott's intern let this stuff out accidentally. Scott gave him the elbow trying to get him to keep it quiet but the secret was already out. Scott said he's not going to get the favor if everyone is so upset about it. Artie said it's already set up and he shouldn't worry about it. Scott said he doesn't have to stay down there, he can just head home after the show. Artie said that's not cool, he shouldn't have to drive home after staying there for a couple of hours. Artie told Scott that he should treat his wife nicely and let her stay overnight down there.
Double A called back and said he had hooked Scott up with a suite there at the Borgata and it was already set up so he doesn't have to go home. Double A said that he goes down there every weekend to party so he has connections there. Howard told Double A that this has nothing to do with him, it's all about Scott. Double A said this is no joke, Scott has a suite and he's not going to show up and not have anything. Howard said that Scott is the only one around there who would call up a fan of the show and ask him to get him a room. Scott said that he's not the only one around there asking for free stuff though.
Howard told Scott that he doesn't even understand the humor of Scott the Engineer. Artie said that like 2 million people were asking him for tickets and rooms down there for the show. He told Scott that everything is already done and he doesn't have to worry about anything.
Howard goofed on Scott doing his impression of him and talking him asking for tickets and stuff like that. Scott apologized for doing what he did. Ronnie told him that this was going to come back to bite him in the ass so he should have known.
Howard said Artie was telling him how creepy Double A is. Artie said Double A gave him his business card and it's a picture of him and Howard in the old studio. He said it's really just creepy because Howard looks like he doesn't want to be in the picture. Howard hates having his picture taken so it looks like he didn't want to be there.
Gary said that Shuli was working on this story as a major headline for Howard 100 News. Fred and Robin were piling on top of Scott goofing on what he'd done. Howard was doing his Scott impression and making up the conversation that he and his wife will probably have when they get the room down there. Ronnie jokingly told Artie that Donald Trump was going to give him a room if he could get him tickets.
Artie said that Scott came to him and told him this Double A story and he felt really bad for him because he had to go to him for the room. Artie said that he had to give Double A backstage tickets because there were no seats left out in the theater.
Howard started to lapse into his Johnny Fratto impression during that conversation. Howard said he heard on Howard 100 News that Scott gets massages from the interns they have there, including the male interns. Scott said that he wishes that the news department would get their facts straight. He swore on the life of his kid that he's never gotten a massage from a male intern. He said he did get a 10 second shoulder rub from one intern though. He said that if someone walks up behind him and puts their hands on his shoulders while he's working, he has no control over that. It was a female intern and he claims he didn't ask her to do it.
Howard said he got a lot of feedback about what he was saying to Artie the other day. He doesn't understand why they can't just be together. Artie said that they just fight a lot and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Fred asked him if they fight about the same stuff every time. Artie said they both have stressful days and then they end up battling over nonsense. He said that they end up trying to have a discussion but then end up telling each other to fuck off.
Howard said Scott walked out of there during that conversation with his head down and now he feels bad for the guy. Gary said that Scott DePace called him in the middle of that and said he was feeling bad for him. Howard felt so bad that he wanted to buy Scott a room down at the Borgata. He said that guy is so draining... Ronnie came in and asked why he was getting him a room and not one for him. Ronnie got upset about that and walked out yelling.
Scott came back in and said that Howard doesn't have to buy him a room. A caller told Howard that Double A has to be using someone over there at the Borgata to get free rooms because if he's not spending money there, he isn't getting a free room. Double A was back on the phone so Howard asked him how he gets the free rooms. Double A said he's got a friend who gambles big money down there so he's the one that's actually getting the free rooms. That's his ''contact'' down there.
Scott was saying that he wasn't looking for a free room over at the Borgata, he just wanted a discounted room. Double A called back in and said that he got him a free room and it's no big deal. Double A was also saying that he was the one who asked for the favor from Artie.
Double A was saying that he could hook him up and get him into Mick's down there but Artie said he thinks he could probably get himself in there. Double A was also telling Artie that the show doesn't seem to be standing behind him in this whole Dana thing so he wants to take him out and pick up some hotties on Saturday night.
Artie told the guys that Double A showed up with two hot chicks when he did some shows down at the Stress Factory and they were 10s. Double A said that he has hotties like that all the time and it's because he's been on the show. Howard told Double A that he's never heard him say one funny thing so he doesn't understand how he's making the hotties laugh.
Gary thinks that Double A tells these girls that he might be able to get them on the show and he takes them back to his place and photographs them. He said he tells them that he might be able to get them on the show but asks to see their tits first. That leads to him seeing their tits and banging them in his room. He said he has to take advantage of the situation he's in.
Artie said that Double A handed him a picture of this really hot chick who was naked on a couch and he was wondering if Double A banged that chick. Double A didn't want to say because she's a close friend of his now. The guys found it hard to believe that Double A is getting these chicks because they couldn't make that happen themselves. Howard let Double A go after that.
The guys said that Janks didn't sound like a woman and within a short time he sounded just like himself even though he was doing that female voice that he does. Janks said that he called and asked to get on before Wolf was on and said that they wanted him on at 4pm instead. Howard told him it was a great call. Janks got in a plug for an appearance he's making at the Crazy Horse 2 in Philly on September 1st.
Howard got back to goofing on Scott the Engineer. He was goofing on him about possibly taking his wife home after spending just 3 hours at the Borgata for Artie's show. Scott's drive would be about 2 1/2 hours each way so he'd be spending more time in the car than he would at the Borgata.
Howard said he was going to go to break but he heard a lot of feedback about the prank call he played yesterday where Sal and Richard pranked a public access show called ''Talkin Yankees'' and wanted to replay that before the break. He said a lot of people were saying that they were crying from laughing so hard during that call. He played the call and went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard said that the idea is to sound as good as you can but they all suck so he knows that the only way he can kind of sound good is if he tries it with a new arrangement. Artie said he thinks he's going to do ''Midnight Rider'' by the Allman Brothers. Robin thought that was lame but Artie said that's the kind of music he can sing.
Robin isn't sure what song she's going to be performing. She said she can't remember the songs she's thought about performing so she hasn't come up with one yet. She then came up with ''Tracks of my Tears'' by Smokey Robinson. She pulled that out of nowhere. Fred is going to be doing Green Day's ''American Idiot'' and Gary will be singing ''Give Me Three Steps.''
Richard asked if he and Sal could do ''Endless Love.'' Artie said they're already gumming up the whole thing by bringing up that gay shit. The guys ended up talking about Richard and how he's nude on the show so much that people who have been surveyed about Howard TV are saying that it's too much Richard and too much male nudity. Artie said that today Richard is going to take Cialis and get a boner for them. He said that's just wrong. They're also going to be using something called a ''Man Jack'' to beat off. Howard said he might not allow that to be used. He said it will look funny on TV though.
Howard said someone put a note up on the computer telling him about the prank call that they made to Steve Grillo. Howard couldn't remember it so the guys had to remind him about it. He started to play the call but cut it off and said that he wasn't a big fan of that one. Robin told him to let it play anyway because it was funny when Steve thought he was talking to Wayne Newton. Artie said he had never heard that call before. Robin said he was probably out in L.A. or something.
Lisa G said they'll have a new Mr. Skin minute today. She also got in a plug for the Superfan Roundtable that airs tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. Lisa said they'll be discussing whether or not George Flowers will ever come back into Studio 69 again after what went on recently. Howard said people have asked him how he feels about George not being a fan of the show. He said he's not sure how he feels about that.
Johnny said that he had KC on the show last night and Nicole Eggert came in and visited. The callers were very kind and nice which kind of surprised him. He said he wanted to go off on at least one caller but he had no reason to. Gary said they didn't have all that much to pull from the show because he wasn't interviewing Nicole Eggert or anything.
Johnny said that they have to talk to Jim McClure about that because he was the one pushing the calls through to him instead of letting him interview Nicole. Johnny went on to tell a story about his son and how he got him into smoking pot and listening to the band Bone Thugs and Harmony years ago. He said that came out on the show last night. He said he told some other stories about his son picking up a couple of black chicks one time and that pissed off Johnny Jr. because he has a girlfriend now. Johnny explained how that all went down.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the show was horrible last night. He said he would rather jerk off with a cheese grater than listen to that guy. He said he wanted to jab a pencil into his ear while listening to it. The caller wanted to hear from Nicole Eggert, not about his stories. Johnny said that Nicole Eggert is actually the godmother of his 4 year old child. He thinks that he could have her back on the show and talk to her next time.
Howard took another call from a guy who said the show was actually good. Johnny was saying that all of the callers were very respectful and they were actually too nice. Howard told Johnny that he should talk to Nicole next time and he should take control of the show instead of letting someone else control it.
Howard told Johnny he had to get going but he'd play his clips later. Johnny told Artie he did great on Letterman last night and he looked good too. Howard said Johnny is the first one to say that Artie looked good. He let him go after that.
Howard said he heard that CBS has broken down Survivor into groups of Blacks, Whites, Asians and Hispanics for the next season. Howard said Rush Limbaugh was apparently on the air talking about how the blacks are going to be at a disadvantage because they don't know how to swim. He had an audio clip of that so he played it for everyone.
Howard said he gets bored just listening to the short clips from Rush's show. He said he couldn't listen to 5 minutes of that bizarre delivery that guy has. He pointed out that Rush used the N-word again while describing the Hispanics that could fall under the 'Hispanic' term. It sounded like he said 'nig*eraguan' instead of 'Nicaraguan.' Howard replayed the clip a couple of times and Robin thought it sounded like he was saying the right word after a couple of replays.
Howard read an article about the new season of Survivor. It's causing controversy already and the show hasn't even aired yet. Howard and Robin said they'll watch it because it sounds interesting to them. Artie said he may even watch it and he's never watched an episode of the show before. Robin said she had stopped watching it for a while but after hearing about this new twist, she's interested again.
Mary said that when Howard and Artie do their Kennedy impressions she really loves it. Howard said they get into that stuff sometimes when Robin brings up the Kennedy's in the news. He said he can't just break into it at will. He said that maybe there will be a drowning story in the news or something and that will get him into it. He started doing his Kennedy impression a few seconds later. He was talking about the drowning of Mary Jo Kopechne and goofing on the Kennedy's about that. He was also referring back to the Rush Limbaugh stuff they were talking about earlier and goofing on that through his Kennedy impression.
Howard spent a few minutes as Ted Kennedy and continued to goof on him about the Mary Jo Kopechne thing. Artie was doing a little bit of his Kennedy impression and throwing in some jokes as well. Howard threw in his Joan Kennedy impression with his Ted Kennedy impression. The two of them were talking about driving into lakes as if it was a regular thing for Ted. Robin spoke to both Joan and Ted.
Howard wrapped up with his Kennedy impressions and then asked Richard to give him the prank call he made to a guy where he kept giving him feedback through the phone. Richard told him where it was so Howard played the call. Richard had the feedback coming through his TV and phone so it was echoing like crazy. The host asked him to turn down his TV so it wouldn't do that but he kept it going. They kept him on the phone because he was asking good questions though. They had to cut him off because there was so much echo.
Howard and the guys thought it was funny that they kept putting Richard on the air even though he would never turn down his TV. Artie said that those shows prove that there are some really attention starved people out there.
Howard figures there's no way he'd ever get hired to work at a supermarket. Gary said he really shouldn't work with people. Artie said that Jeff is a pussy because they take a lot of abuse there in the studio but he can't take a minute of it on the phone.
Gary told Howard that Richard told him a story about getting drunk on Saturday night and when he woke up he had scars on his head. Howard asked Richard if he has to get so drunk that he can't remember stuff the next day. Richard said he doesn't have to but that's what ends up happening. Artie told Richard that he thinks that he's an alcoholic. Richard said he thinks he's a weekend alcoholic but during the week he can have just one beer and sit back and relax.
Robin said that Richard has probably lost a lot of brain cells and his central nervous system may be affected from all of the drinking he does. Howard said he had to go to break after that. He asked Jeff to call back in if he was still out there. Artie was still goofing on him and doing his impression. They went to break a short time later.
Bubba the Love Sponge was on the phone because he had passed along some Cialis for Richard to take during the show today. Howard said this woman is coming in today with a jerk off machine and they claim that they had a shock the puss web site years before Bubba did it on his show. Bubba said he never claimed to have created that whole thing.
Robin asked Bubba if it was true that he really had botox injections. Bubba said that he has done that before. He's 40 years old and he's gone in a couple of times to get touch-ups and stuff. He said the stuff really hurts when it's done too. Howard said he never had Bubba pegged for a Metrosexual. Bubba said he's gained a few pounds over the past few months but he used to weigh 400 pounds just a few years back. Howard asked him what happened and why he's getting heavy again. Bubba said he's not pumping back up.
Bubba mentioned something about creaming up his body at night before he goes to bed so the guys wondered what that's all about. Bubba said he uses stuff on his elbows and knees and stuff. Howard said that he should just let himself age instead of using that stuff on himself. Artie told Bubba that he once put make-up on his stretch marks to go out on the beach. He said it's all from just bad living that he has all of these problems.
Howard said that Beth has been watching Dr. Phil and he saw a recent episode where they had a fat guy on the show. Robin figured Howard was watching the show now and started to goof on him. He said that he doesn't watch the show, he just saw this one part that Beth was watching. Howard said they talked to this fat guy about the soda he was drinking and how much weight he could lose if he just stopped with that. Artie said that's his problem because he's addicted to soda.
Bubba said that fat guys could lose weight easily if they just cut out the soda. Artie said it's just him being lazy that's keeping him fat. Bubba said that Heather has him out jogging now to try and lose some weight. Artie is going to be out doing promotion for his movie and he wanted to lose weight before doing all of the TV shows and stuff but he's just too lazy.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he wants to challenge Bubba to a weight loss challenge. He managed to lose a ton of weight after having his stomach stapled but he's gained back 15 pounds. Bubba said he doesn't want to turn this into the Howard Stern Fit Club. Dominic wanted to do a 90 day challenge but Bubba didn't want anything to do with it.
Artie said he just turned down the Celebrity Fit Club show because he figured that would mean he's at the end of his career. Howard said that show is so bad he won't even watch it. Artie said it would be like throwing in the towel for his whole career if he went on there.
Howard said that Bubba is going to be out in Vegas on Saturday. He's doing a show from Noon to 4 from the Vandelay Sports Book out there. They'll be out there for the UFC fights. Robin said that Bubba is into something weird right now. She said that Hulk Hogan has been calling the show every day trying to get his daughter's album pushed up to number one.
Bubba said he doesn't have the heart to tell him that it's getting kind of monotonous with the calls every day. He said Brooke called in the other day and asked him for help as well. Howard said that Brooke may want to look into college if this whole music career doesn't work out. Bubba said that Brooke will be fine even if the music doesn't work out for her. He said that Hulk has been going all over the country trying to get her album on the air.
Howard told Bubba that he may want to talk to Hogan about that and tell him it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if his daughter's album didn't go to number one. Howard gave Bubba a plug for his show and the Vegas show. Bubba told Howard and the guys that they should call into his show more often. Howard said he's thought about it but he's usually in the middle of something and he doesn't want to interrupt. Howard let Bubba go a short time later.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who said that he hadn't heard the show in a while since Howard's move to satellite. He had taken a customer's car for a test drive and heard the show. He's now giving up smoking and will put the money toward SIRIUS so he can hear his favorite show.
Howard said he got a note from Siobhan who wants a boyfriend because he seems to think that he's a woman now. Howard said Siobhan just doesn't realize what a train wreck she looks like. He read the note he got from her and all of the demands she has for the man she would date. She wants everything any woman would want. The only problem is that Siobhan is a man with her dick cut off. Howard had Siobhan on the phone a short time later and told her she's got to be nuts to have demands like that.
Howard told Siobhan that there's no way she could ever find someone like she described. Artie asked her if he could still date her daughter. Siobhan already gave him her number so Artie could call her. She's only 23 years old but that's the right age for Artie. Howard figures that there's no way Artie is going to call her. Artie said everyone's got weird shit in their family so dating Siobhan's daughter wouldn't be that freaky.
Gary said that Siobhan wanted to be a contestant in the Hodeo contest they have coming up but Howard doesn't want to let her in. He hung up on her because he had Jeff the Drunk on the phone again.
Artie was still pissed at Jeff for the whole thing that went on with the fliers he handed out and the money he gave him for that. Artie said he was pissed because of the way Jeff treated him after he had sent him the money. Jeff said he was sorry about that.
Howard asked Jeff what he had to fill out on the application he filled out. He put down the job he had as a hand stamper and the toll booth collector job he had. He said that's a seasonal job up there because it was at a park. Jeff said he also filled out the section about how much school he finished. He managed to finish high school.
Howard told Jeff to clean himself up and not wear that hat of his. He should comb his hair and all of that so he looks presentable. Jeff said he's not going to have a license soon because the judge wants him to give it up due to the DUI charge he just got recently. Now he won't be able to drive to his job if he actually gets one.
Howard asked Jeff what he'll say if the store asks him what he thinks he can do for their company. He said that he could show up to work every day. He also said he could help customers out if they ask him questions. Howard told Jeff that he should just tell the guy that he can do the job and not hesitate with his answers.
Howard asked Jeff if he can do math to figure out the age of someone buying booze. Jeff said he's not all that good at that stuff. He was able to figure out the change he'd have to give someone if the customer had a bill for 59.99 and gave him $100.00.
Howard wished Jeff luck with the job. Jeff said he's trying to get his life back together now and he's hoping the judge will give him a conditional with his license so he can drive to work. Howard let him go after that.
Howard had the girls come in. It was Princess Donna and Tomcat from the FuckingMachines.com web site. Tomcat was on the show a while back with a few girls who were getting off with their fucking machines. Howard said Tomcat is a lesbian and asked her how she's doing with the female fucking machines. She said things are going just fine.
Howard said that they don't sell these machines that they use on their web site, they just demonstrate them on the site. Tomcat said they took the reciprocating saw they had last time and put a fake pussy on it to create this machine. She said they use the machine on MenInPain.com sometimes.
Richard asked if he could use the machine on himself because he can't have this Princess Donna doing it to him because of his girlfriend. She said it is adjustable so he could do it himself. Howard told Richard he's nuts and he doesn't have to do it if he doesn't want to.
Howard spoke to Donna a little bit and found out she's got her own web site at WiredPussy.com. They do all kinds of electrical things with women's pussys there. She said that she's had her puss shocked in Central Park and many other places around the city. They'll be going around today doing even more stuff. She said she's been in the business for 4 years now and she's enjoying it. She prefers to do women and isn't really into men. The girls talked about how the go out in the city and use the machines. They don't do that stuff so everyone can see but a few people will check them out once in a while.
Howard found out that Donna and Tomcat have done some stuff together so he asked them to make out a little bit. They went at it for a short time and Howard said Tomcat really looks like a dude. Richard said she looks like Haley Joel Osment.
Howard asked Richard if he was ready to go ahead with this whole thing. He said he had to mess with his penis a little bit and he'd give it a try. Donna was ready to show off her boobs for them so Howard said that may help them out. Howard said she's got a kick ass little body.
The girls started up the machine that Richard was going to use and it wasn't too bad at first. Then they ramped it up to a higher speed and it was pretty crazy. The fake pussy flew off when they turned up the speed to near full.
Richard said he wanted a clean attachment so the girls told him that it was just for him and no one else had used it. Sal came in an short time later and said he feels really weird about working this machine because it's so gay. Richard told him to just do it because Sal sends him pictures of his penis and that's just as gay. Sal started to strip down and said that if he's going to do it, he's going to do it right.
Sal was completely naked by the time he got to using the machine. He said they had to lube up the fake pussy so he hocked up some spit and gobbed on it. Then he was trying to blow some snot rockets in there. Richard wiped that out and put some real lube in it. Howard said he was going to throw up from all of this and it really was a little too gay.
Sal started the machine and had the thing going slow at first. Howard said he had enough after just a few seconds. Richard said he was liking it and didn't want him to stop. Richard was moaning and Howard was saying he wants it stopped now. Richard asked him to spit on his hand but Sal spit in his face and started talking dirty to him. Howard told Sal to stop because it was too gay for him.
Everyone was grossed out by what had just happened. Will said that Richard was covered in spit. Howard wrapped up after that and Tomcat was saying that she had some suggestions for the Sybian. While she was talking about Richard and Sal were doing some stuff. Sal was smacking Richard in the face with the machine and Richard was picking his snot and wiping it on him.
Howard got back to Tomcat who was saying that they should tie women to the Sybian so they can't stand up when they start the machine. Howard said that might be a little too much for them. Howard gave the girls a few plugs for all of the web sites they had to plug. Here are the sites they plugged:
Gary told Howard that he might recover better if they have Princess Donna ride the Sybian. Howard thought that might work so he had Donna get on the machine. He described what she looked like and then had Gary start her out at about 30-40 percent power. She got on and took it for a ride. She was moaning and screaming out as Gary turned the power up. She finished a couple of minutes later. She claims she had 2 orgasms during the ride. Howard said that Richard and Sal were holding each other during that bit and it really ruined it for him. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and went to break.
Howard interrupted around the time they played the movie clip. They talked about how much Dave seemed to be enjoying the appearance. Artie has been booked for another appearance in December already. Howard said that the guys from Howard TV came in during the break and let him know that the Sal and Richard thing was very funny and will be a great show when they put it up on Howard TV.
Mike was saying he read something about Howard's 9/11 show and how riveting it was back when it was live. Howard said that the Howard TV guys were taping a special for 9/11 and interviewing everyone on the show. Cabbie came back to be interviewed for that and ended up crying during the interview. He had some tape of that to play for everyone. In the clip Cabbie talked about how he became a New Yorker that day. He started to cry during the clip and said that he's a very emotional guy. He was calling the terrorists ''rag heads'' and kind of crying as he was describing what went on back then.
Cabbie was very upset about the whole thing and talked about the people who were lost in the attacks. He talked about how they're going to find everyone responsible for that day. Howard said that's not going to happen if we keep all of our resources in Iraq. He played more of Cabbie's stuff but he noticed that his feet smell and cut it off. He said that clip will be part of this special that Howard TV is putting together. That led to him mentioning some of the other stuff that they have up on Howard TV right now. They have Pete and his mother on the Sybian up there and some people loved seeing that. Howard said the mother wasn't hot and the son was a mess but people thought it was pretty wild.
Howard moved on to the game so here's how it goes, week after week after week... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Artie is his new hero after seeing him on Letterman last night. Howard thought the guy's voice was really creepy and thought he sounded kind of like the ''I Like to Kill Deer'' clip they play on the show.
Artie said that the talent coordinator they have over at Letterman's show is really hot. Robin asked him if he does the sign of the cross before he does this show. He said he used to do it but not anymore.
Steve got back to his report and said that he'll have tape of Artie's phone call to his mother right after his appearance. Howard said he saw some pictures of Artie from back stage and he saw him with a really hot chick next to him. He realized it was actually his sister. He said he doesn't usually pay attention to that but his sister is really hot. Artie said that his parents were really good looking and his sister is very attractive. He's not sure what happened to him. He said they did have a very fat mail man though.
Howard said that his sister is a very successful fashion designer right now and she's single. She came close to getting married one time but since then she's been single.
Howard asked Steve what else he had going on. Steve said that Shuli will have some reports from outside of the Letterman thing. He also mentioned a few more things they had coming up today and also mentioned the free radio deal that SIRIUS has for current subscribers. Howard said he thinks they should be promoting that more because it sounds like a cool deal.
Howard said they're still looking for women for the upcoming Hodeo competition. If you'd like to be part of that you can e-mail Will at Will@HowardStern.com.
Howard said he heard that Penny Crone was out in the hall crying hysterically so he had her come in to tell them what was going on. Penny said that she got a message from someone saying that they wanted to see her in Human Resources and now she's afraid that she's going to get fired for something she didn't do. She said that she's afraid that she's going to be fired and she really can't handle being fired again. Howard told her that it's probably another prank.
Gary told Howard that it's Shuli and High Pitch Mike who pulled the prank this time, not Sal and Richard. Penny went running out crying. Shuli and Mike came in and said that she was pissed when she ran out. Mike told Howard they left the message for her 2 days ago and she just now checked it. Mike said that he got some guy from one of the other channels make the call to her.
Howard talked to Mike about his $20,000 high def TV that he won after having Siobhan sit on his face. The Howard TV guys threw a clip of that up on the monitors in the studio and Artie got caught off guard and started yelling. Howard took a call from a guy who said he thought Artie was great on Letterman last night.
Ralph called in and asked Artie why he was looking away from Dave through his interview. Howard told Ralph that Artie won't look at people when he's talking to them so that's just the move he makes. Ralph said that Artie looks just like Jackie Gleason when he's all fat like he is now. He kind of likes the way he is.
High Pitch Eric called in and said that he shook Artie's sister's hand and she was disgusted by how wet it was. Howard said his hands are always wet and drippy and it's like grabbing a sponge. Artie said it can be startling when you shake his hand because it's that wet.
Howard had Jon Hein give his show preview. Jon said they'll talk about Richard having Sal use the Man Jack on him earlier. Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who said that he saw the son and mother on the Sybian thing and it's very disturbing to him. He said he did watch the entire episode though.
Jon got back to his preview and said they'll also be talking about Artie at the Borgata and Scott the Engineer's room down there that he got thanks to Double A. Howard had Mutt on the phone as well. He was there to talk about what they had coming up on Superfan Roundtable tonight. He said they'll be talking about the King of all Media Player that they have on Howard's web site. They'll also be talking about Howard's 'phase 2' for SIRIUS and what they would like to hear. Mutt said they could spend the whole show talking about Artie's stuff as well but they'll keep it to a minimum. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said one e-mail asked them to fire Penny Crone already. Howard said they have a reality show coming out with Penny featured in it and he's a fan of hers. He said that a lot of people have been commenting on Sal and Richard's phony phone calls. Howard said he loves what they've been doing so he replayed the call he played earlier where Richard looped his voice and kept the feedback going through his whole call.
Howard said that a lot of people liked the Elijah Blue interview they did. He read a couple of those e-mails. That got them talking about his music. Howard said he thought his acoustic song was good but he wasn't sure about the album music. Artie said he liked the acoustic but he's not a big fan of the song they played from Deadsy's album.
Howard got some feedback about what he was saying about Bob Dylan the other day. One guy was saying that Howard can't bad mouth a guy like that because he just doesn't have the right. Howard said he's not going to keep his mouth shut about a guy when he makes dopey comments like he thought he had. He's also not going to keep his mouth shut about Sumner Redstone bad mouthing Tom Cruise after they parted ways. Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about that before Robin started her news.
Howard thinks that they should have a weekly reality TV show about Cabbie on Howard TV. He's fascinated by him. Howard asked Robin if she cried during her interview and she said she didn't.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he just signed up for Howard TV a couple of days ago but he missed the Film Festival. He wondered if they take that stuff down or what. Doug Goodstein came in and said that the Film Festival ''asset'' is down right now. Howard ended up goofing on Doug about the use of the term ''asset'' for those shows. Doug said that they take down certain shows and put new ones up so they're constantly rotating through.
Howard said he loves the Howard TV stuff and he'd like to start buying programming that they can post on there. Howard said they've already started creating their own ''assets'' like the Penny Crone reality TV show. Doug said they've also created a show where they took some wack packers to a career counseling course. They have a bunch of stuff coming up in the next few weeks like the Evil Dave tapes where he was talking to the fans about their specially challenged fans and things like that. The winner of the Howard Stern film festival, Scott Masterson, apparently took those clips and added video to them to create new ''assets.'' Scott used the kid who played little Fred in that movie to play a mentally challenged kid in the clip they were watching.
Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. A little later Artie mentioned that he spoke to Stuttering John the other day and told him that he was doing Letterman this week. He said that John is so on the Leno team now that he joked about how they're on vacation this week so maybe someone would actually be watching him on Letterman this week. Artie said John gave him that evil laugh of his after making the joke.
Cabbie called in around 11:15am and asked Robin if it was true that she called him a bitch this morning. Robin said she never used that term. Cabbie said it's a good thing he called then because he hasn't hooked up his satellite yet. He said that he was ready to roast Robin after he heard she was goofing on him. Cabbie heard that they were playing his tapes and wondered if anyone else there cried. Howard said no one else did and they may have to go back and re-shoot their stuff so they can cry.
Cabbie asked Howard if he's going to put him on one of his channels or not. Howard told him that he's not in charge of hiring and if he has other job offers, he should take them. Cabbie claims that XM wants him so he may go over there. Howard told Cabbie that he really showed him up in that 9/11 taping because he was sitting back and eating an ice cream cone while shooting his.
Cabbie said he just wants to get back to work and he'd like to work for Howard. Howard said he told Tim Sabean to try and fit him in if he could. He let Cabbie go after that so he could finish up the show. Howard said he hopes that they can work something out with Cabbie because he really likes the guy.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard was off again this Friday so here's the Friday Show... Jon Hein started off the show saying they had a ton of stuff to get to. They have a bunch of K-Rock stuff to play today and they'll be getting to that later. They also have some Channel 9 show stuff and all of the usual segments.
Jon started off the show going back to 1996, 1995 and 1989 for some Tiny Tim interview clips. Gary explained who Tiny Tim was for those people who didn't know. He talked about all of the interesting things they learned about him from the first couple of times he was on and how they kept him coming back because he was so interesting. Gary and Ralph talked about what he looked like when he came on and all of that.
Jon played the first clip where Tiny Tim talked about an incident he had at an airport one time. Jon and the guys talked about how great that story was. Gary said that Tiny showed how socially inept he was when he'd tell those stories. Jon said you'd never know what to expect when Tiny came in because he would talk about some odd things.
Jon played another clip where Tiny told a story about having a homosexual experience. That appearance was pre-1996 so I don't have any notes about it. Tiny gave Howard the details he remembered about this gay experience and how he knew it was wrong. He ended up revealing that he just rubbed the other guy's back.
Gary said that Tiny didn't seem to lie and he would answer just about anything he was asked. He also felt he was kind of clueless about stuff. Gary said they learned about that gay thing because he had written it in the book. The book had been recalled but of the 150 copies, they got one and pulled that story out of it.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Tiny was really religious. Gary said he was pretty religious and once got pissed off when they had said something about Jesus Christ. Jon quickly moved on to the next Tiny Tim clip where Robin asked Tiny about his Christmas song where he sings about Santa Claus having AIDS. Howard played some of the song for everyone. Tiny was actually singing along with the song at one point.
Ralph said he didn't remember hearing that song at all and wondered why they don't play it every Christmas. Gary told him they do play it every Christmas. Richard Christy said he remembers hearing that song and how inappropriate he felt it was. He thought it was great though. Gary said that Tiny really didn't think the song was a joke, he did it in a serious way.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary when Tiny's last appearance was on the show. Gary wasn't sure when it was but he knows so much about him. Jon mentioned that they have the all request weekend coming up next weekend and they'll be playing all of the bits that have been requested from the classic tapes.
Jon played another clip where Mike actually went through with it and had Siobhan sit on his face so he could win that TV.
After playing that bit Jon said that Mike had come in yesterday and Howard asked him about his TV and if he was enjoying it. Mike still hasn't set it up yet because he's waiting for an HD box so he can watch in HD. Ralph said he got a bit screen TV and didn't bother setting up the HD part of it because the TV is still great to watch. He was also talking about what it looked like when Siobhan was sitting on Mike's face. The guys all thought it was pretty disgusting to see. Jon had to go to break right after that. They played a Tiny Tim song where he covered Bon Jovi's ''You Give Love a Bad Name'' as they went to commercial.
Jon said they wanted to play the Ginger G-Spot segment where she pissed off John the Stutterer and also rode the Sybian twice within just a few minutes. They spent a minute talking about that morning and then Jon played the segment where Ginger rode the Sybian.
Jon said that John the Stutterer being pissed off came up a couple of times during that segment but everyone just wanted to see Ginger getting off on that machine. Gary said they've known about that machine for a long time and talked about getting one for a while now. They talked about how the only person really getting off is the woman riding the machine.
Ralph said it was funny that day when John went off on Yucko the Clown and tried to insult him saying he had a bald spot. John was also bragging that he had ''rock star hair.'' Ralph said he hates to say it but John does not have rock star hair. He knows that's going to piss off John but he had to say it.
Ralph had a second clip where Fred threw in some audio clips while Howard and Robin were talking about Ryan Seacrest doing a news report with music behind him. Fred threw in some ''YMCA'' behind some Ryan Seacrest clips and gay porn sound effects.
Ralph said that was it for Best of Fred but they had a clip from when Brian Dunkleman was on the Wrap Up Show one time after co-hosting the show with Eric the Midget. He was a little drunk at the time and went off on Ryan a little bit about the way he treated him.
Jon took a call from a guy who thought that Howard used to be able to tweak Fred much easier in the past. These days Fred doesn't seem to get pissed off like he used to. Gary thinks that it's Howard who has actually mellowed out over the years and doesn't really go off on the guys like he used to. The guys still think that Fred has the ability to snap at any moment.
Jon played another clip that they thought might be a good Best of Fred moment. Artie was talking about getting a catheter put in his penis in front of some of his co-stars from MAD TV. Fred threw in a couple of laugh audio clips in there.
Jon had another clip from when Artie told a story about getting a happy ending massage recently. There were some funny Fred moments in there as he was playing sound effects to go along with Artie's story.
The guys talked about how great Artie is at telling stories. Ralph said he feels bad for the woman who had to get Artie off after digging his cock out. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon had some audio that Scott the Engineer found that never made it on the air. It was a rejected version of Fred's ''Sounds of Kinison'' tribute song. After playing the song Jon asked Gary why it was rejected. Gary said it was rejected because it was kind of flat without more Sam audio clips thrown in there. Gary said they went back and pulled a bunch more Sam clips from his comedy albums and stuff to make it into what they eventually played on the air. Jon also played the updated version of the song.
Jon said that was the evolution of a K-Rock bit. Gary said you do hear the difference and the second one was definitely the best of the two. Jon took a call from a guy who asked who else was singing on that song with Fred. Gary said it was Fred singing with himself. Fred is like a mad scientist and lays down all the tracks himself, he's a wonderful musician according to Gary and Ralph.
Jon said that Sam Kinison was actually performing guitar in that clip. He was very good at what he was doing too. Gary said there was a lot of fall out at the time of that show. He said he remembers reading that Don Henly was upset that Joe was performing that song while out on his own tour. Gary said he told Howard that and that's why he asked Joe to perform it on their show. They taped the show on a Saturday afternoon and on Sunday night there were about 17 messages on his answering machine. Joe Walsh kept calling asking him to call him back. Joe got upset with him and said that they were no longer friends because he begged them not to play that show. It aired that same Saturday night though.
Gary said that there was supposed to be an Eagles reunion at the time but Don Henley saw that show somehow and ended up calling off the reunion. Gary said that the Howard Stern Show held up that reunion for 4 or 5 years after that. The band did eventually get back together but Joe had changed quite a bit by that time. Jon had to take another break a short time later.
After the clip the guys spent a short time talking about some of the crazy stuff that ODB was talking about in his press conference. Jon took a call from a guy who said he was outside singing along to a song parody about ODB and not realizing that he's singing it. The guys told him that they have to be careful with that. The caller also asked Gary why the Howard TV shows are all about 60 minutes and not longer. Jon told him that there are some shows that are longer than 60 minutes. Gary said he thinks that they should have a second channel where you can watch the whole show and not just selected clips.
The caller on the line told the guys that he used to love Sam Kinison when he was back in High School and he used to have a tape of him set up in his car so that when he pulled up to a light he'd play him yelling out ''Fuck You!'' really loud. Jon thanked him for the call and moved on to the next segment.
Jon played the clip where we heard Billy come in as Marge who was yelling about the N-word and saying she had to apologize to them. He wasn't just using the N-word, he was yelling out every racial slur there is while doing that Marge Schott voice. He had Jackie the Joke Man laughing hysterically through the whole segment.
Jon said that the whole thing was so wrong on so many different levels. Gary said that the real Marge Schott never really sounded like she wanted to apologize and that's what Billy was doing with his impression. Gary said he once called Billy while he was out on the road staying at a hotel and Billy refused to do the voice because there was no way he was going to yell that stuff out in the hotel room.
Gary also had to explain who Boy Lee was. Lee was the guy who produced the show before Gary did. Gary said that Lee left the show to go work for Soupy and Gary came in and replaced him. Jon played the clip after all of the explanations that Gary gave.
In the clip Howard complains about the stench from the food that Soupy and his crew had left behind. He said he asked them to clean it up and they didn't do it so he was going to give them a few seconds to clean it up before he cut the wires in the piano they had in the studio. He demanded that Boy Lee come in to clean it up or else he'd be cutting the wires at a certain time. When they failed to come in and clean it up, Fred brought in some wire cutters and Howard started cutting the wires inside the piano. He hung some wires out the top of the piano so they'd see it when they came in.
Jon said that clipping wires in a piano is kind of dangerous because they're so tight in there. He also said he loved that Fred came walking in with the wire cutters. He pointed out how Robin was telling Howard it was time to cut the wires one minute, then the next she was talking about how bad she felt that they were destroying the piano.
Gary told the guys about how Soupy just walked into all of the extras that Howard had to earn after getting the big ratings for the company. Gary said that Howard probably should have been taking out his anger on management instead of on Soupy himself.
Jon played another clip where Howard tried to get Soupy on the air to talk about destroying the piano. Howard gave him a call and managed to get him on the air. Soupy said that they've been very busy with their show and he wasn't trying to avoid him at all. Howard told Soupy that he was going to be mad when he told him that he cut the piano wires. Soupy said he didn't care and told Howard to go ahead and chop it up with an axe because he wasn't going to be paying for it. Howard blamed it all on Boy Lee because he hadn't cleaned up the mess that he left behind. Robin sounded a little bummed out when Soupy said he didn't care.
Gary said that Soupy may have sounded like he was fine with that piano being destroyed but he was actually very pissed but didn't let it show on the air. He said that Soupy was one of those old school guys who wouldn't let his anger show on air. Ralph said things like that are what made Howard's show great because no one had drama like that on their shows back then.
The guys talked about the old rotary dialing sounds that were in that clip and how there are probably fans out there who have never heard those noises. They explained what they were and then had to go to another break.
Gary said that he heard that Don Rickles is looking to call Artie to thank him for saying the kind stuff he did on Letterman's show the other night. Gary said he's trying to get Don on the show but he doesn't get up early so it's going to be tough. He thinks that they should have Don come on the show and just goof on everyone as they stand in a line like he did to Artie when they shot Dirty Work.
Jon said that kid started off so well but it went downhill for him quickly. Ralph thought Fred did a great job with the buzzer sounds whenever the kid would say ''Uh.''
Jon took a call from a guy who wanted to weigh in on the mistake Richard made. He said that the show has kind of grown on him over the past few months but he thinks that Sal on the sound bytes is just horrible and they should take him off the show. He said he doesn't think they need any sound bytes on The Friday Show. Sal was playing all kinds of sounds for the guy. The caller asked if Howard was going to be on the air next week and Gary pretended not to know. Ralph told the guy that Howard is always on the air and Jon added that he should tune in to find out. Richard said that he had just one mistake today and zero last week so it's not so bad.
Jon played the clip where Howard first plays the clip from Larry King's show where someone pranked Larry yelling out Howard Stern. Then Howard said that Chevy has no idea what he's stepped into messing with him. After that Gary had a clip of Chevy talking about Howard off the air and saying that Howard is really nothing and has the personality of an egg timer. That eventually led to Howard getting Chevy's phone number and calling his house. He got his housekeeper at first and asked her to get Chevy on the phone. Richard Belzer was in the studio with him and was friends with Chevy at the time.
Chevy's housekeeper disappeared for a short time, then came back and said it wasn't Chevy Chase's house. They eventually got Chevy on the phone but he pretended not to know what Howard was talking about and joked around. Then his wife Janie got on the phone and said that Chevy wasn't bad mouthing him. Chevy yelled at her to get off the phone. Howard asked Chevy why he was bad mouthing him. Chevy denied ever doing it and said he doesn't appreciate him calling his home. Howard said fine and hung up. Howard and Belzer spent a short time talking about how strange that was.
Jon, Gary and Ralph all talked about how great that call was and how Chevy almost seemed like he was going to joke around with them, then he turned on him when his wife got on the line. Gary said Belzer actually gave them Chevy's number and he felt really bad about the whole thing after the call.
Gary said that Chevy's people called and asked how they could make all of that stuff stop after they continued to goof on him for months after that call. Gary said Chevy called in and apologized and that got Howard off his back. Gary said Chevy had called the station looking for him so he could call Howard. He was trying to give them a heads up on a story he heard was going to be printed about Howard and wanted to let them know about it. He thought that was kind of cool for him to do especially after everything they had done to him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary's voice back then was kind of goofy and did his impression of him. Gary didn't seem to find it amusing but Jon said that Sal had the same reaction when they heard that segment in the car on the way home one day. They had to go to break after that quick discussion.
Gary said that a couple of years back he did an appearance somewhere and the crowd broke out into that song when he came down so he's not sure if he should be honored or if the crowd was just goofing on him.
Jon asked Richard what he thought about that bit and he didn't seem to be all that high on it. A phone caller told the guys that he thought it was okay. The caller is a cop and told the guys how the show gets him through his shift. He said they're awesome and the show really helps him make it through every night.
Richard had a Robin song that he did a while back and Howard rejected it. He thinks that Howard thought it was a little brutal. Gary said he thinks Howard rejected because of the amount of foul language he used in it. The song was to the tune of a KISS song and he was singing about licking Robin's shit pipe. Ralph said it was a little harsh and Gary said it wasn't all that clever.
Jon said he laughs at just about anything Richard does because his voice is so funny when he sings. Ralph said he probably wouldn't play it on the show. Some of the guys said that they might play it once and have a discussion about it and then never play it again.
A phone caller told the guys that there's an old segment he'd like to hear where they had Gilbert Gottfried, Artie, Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla on the show at the same time. He said they were all just having fun talking and it flowed pretty well. Gary said it sounds like it could be a big mess with that many people in the studio at the same time.
Jon took another call from a guy who suggested that they create a CD with Sal and Richard's bits but Gary and the guys said that's kind of a Zoo-y type of thing to do. Another caller suggested they play the legend of Baba Booey segment on the show sometime. The guys said they're pretty sure that will be played during the All Request Weekend next weekend.
Jon moved on to play a clip from James Woods last appearance on the show when they were still at K-Rock. They were playing it uncensored this time though. No delay hits. They cut the segment down and just played some highlights.
After playing the audio the guys talked about how great James is and how great an actor he is. Ralph said he thinks he's one of the best guests they've ever had on the show. Gary said he remembers going to Scores with James that week and the hot chick he brought with him to the club. At the time Woods was claiming he wasn't dating this 19 year old chick he was with but it later came out that he had been dating her.
The guys spent time talking about their favorite James Woods movies. They threw out a bunch of movies that he's been in that they've enjoyed. Ralph also said that they should get James on SIRIUS to do a show like Howard had suggested during that segment. Jon had to go to another break after that.
Jon said that the star of the clip is the host of the show because of some of the things he said. Richard said the visual of that guy is the best because he's such a nerd. Sal described him as looking like Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch.
Jon took a phone call from a guy who said that Richard is great because he gave up his great drumming job to do this stuff. Gary said that they barely know about what Richard did before he came on the show but he was actually a big deal playing for Iced Earth and Death years ago. Baseball player Mike Piazza was visiting the show one day and he was shocked that Richard was there and made a big deal about it because he was such a fan.
Sal said that Richard has a ton of fans out there who don't even know he's on the Stern Show. They'll stop him on the street and ask him what he's up to. Richard said he still has his drums but he doesn't think he'll ever go out on tour again. He still jams once in a while though. Richard said he still makes guest appearances with rock bands that come through the city.
Jon said that when Howard and the guys talk about making that movie, they make it sound like it was the best movie making experience ever. Gary said he remembers talking to Sheri Lansing about the movie and how not every movie shoot goes that well. Gary also said that Howard and Robin got into that whole thing not having any experience. They really lucked out with the way things worked out. Everyone felt good about the way things worked out in the end.
Jon asked the guys if they think that Paul Giamatti will thank Howard if he ever wins an Oscar. Gary and Ralph think he would thank him.
Jon said he had a taste of what goes on at those screenings and played a clip where Howard talked to Ralph about the Superman screening they went to.
Ralph said he had to cut that clip down from the 45 minute clip into a few minutes because he can tell such a great story giving every detail of what went on there. Gary asked Ralph if he ever thinks about how what goes on at something like that may end up on the air. Ralph said it is on his mind and he freaks out if he does something big but doesn't realize it when small things happen and end up on the air.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they're going to be holding a premiere for Artie's movie. Gary said they are having one and he just got his invite this morning. Jon had to take another break after that.
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Ralph said that she had some good stuff in that interview. She didn't avoid talking about anything and answered everything that Howard asked her. Jon took a call from a guy who said he checked out her interview and thought she was pretty hot. He also said he started listening to her show after she was on and they were talking about snack foods. Then about a month ago they were talking about nothing but sex so it was like they turned their show into The Howard Stern Show. He suggested that they get Alexis and her co-host on the show. Gary said he stays in touch with her co-host Jennifer but not with Alexis, but he's heard the show is very good.
Ralph had another clip pulled from that show where Alexis talked about her mother and the way she's been treated over the years.
After that clip Jon brought up how her father was portrayed as a real creep in a movie they made about Martha's life one time. After hearing her talk about him it sounds like that might have been the real deal. Jon said they tried to play some various things on the show today and next Friday the All Request Weekend starts at 3pm. They will be playing old K-Rock bits through the whole weekend right through Monday.
Jon asked the guys what they're doing this weekend as he was wrapping up. Richard is going to Atlantic City to see Artie. Sal is doing some comedy shows with Rev. Bob Levy. Ralph is going home to sleep and watch TV. Gary is going out to see some local bands play at a club. He's also going to see the movie ''Invincible'' on Sunday night. Jon is going out to Los Angeles to be on the TV Guide channel from 3-6pm on Sunday evening. He said he thinks they'll only be on satellite TV, he's not sure if it's on cable. He wrapped up the show around 10:40am.
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