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Howard was back from vacation this morning. He started the show talking about how they have a lot to get to. He said he's now drinking coffee and just had a Starbucks. He said he gets what people are talking about. He said he drinks it black. He said he's super masculine. Robin said he's a real man. Howard said he hasn't had coffee since he was 19 years old. He said he quit when he stopped smoking. He said that it was a trigger to the smoking. Howard said he decided that he hasn't had coffee since he was 19 so he tried it again. He said he took a sip and thought of cigarettes. Howard said he has one cup a day of coffee. He said some days his wife makes it. Robin said she just started drinking coffee about 2 weeks ago. Howard said that's weird. Robin said she hadn't done it in about 10 years. Howard said she took it anally for years. Robin said that doesn't count. She said she couldn't taste it. Howard said she was taking it in though. He said the caffeine must have gotten into her system. Robin said she didn't have an enema every day. Howard told Gary to get him another Starbucks and pour it in his ass.
Howard said his wife doesn't like him on coffee. He said she thinks that he's too chatty. He said he feels awake this morning though.
Howard took a call from Monotone Matt who asked if Howard is afraid of anything. Howard said he's scared of everything. He said he's a pussy. Robin said she thinks a pussy is someone who lets fear stop them. Howard said that's him. He said he gets scared a lot. Matt asked another scared question so Howard asked how many he's going to ask. Howard said that's not a logical place to go. Howard thanked him for the call. Howard asked why he's saying he's from Chicago. Matt said they moved. He said they did that at the end of June. He said he moved from Los Angeles to Chicago so his wife could go to the hospital out there. Howard asked what was wrong with the one in Los Angeles. Matt said she wasn't getting the help she needed out there. Howard let Matt go after that.
Howard said he really is scared of everything. He said he goes out on a run and he's in pain. He said that he went out to the Jennifer Aniston wedding last week too. Robin asked if he knew that it was going to be a wedding. Howard said of course he did. He said that story about it being a party invitation was all bullshit. He said they knew. Howard said Justin asked him to make a speech at the wedding. He said he was fucking miserable about that. Howard said he spoke at Joan Rivers' funeral because it was Joan. Howard said the newspapers had the Robert Downey Jr. thing wrong too. He said he wasn't even there. Howard said he knew it was a wedding. Howard said he's very friendly with Justin Theroux. He said he said in the speech that he'd be happy if one of his daughters brought home someone like him. He said he also goofed on his tattoos though. He said that aside from that and his drawings he's a great guy.
Howard said he did complain about a few things there. He said they took his cell phone and he didn't even want a picture of them. Howard said he wanted to call his car and get he fuck out of there. He said that's what he said in his speech. Howard said it was 10 minutes of whining. Howard said Beth's phone was confiscated at the front too. Howard said he took about 10 minutes to get over that.
Howard said that he was wrecked going out to L.A. He said he had such a bad attitude. He said he went to the wedding and he felt dead. He said at one point he felt like he wasn't himself. He said he sat down on his ''poof'' seat. He said that he had some artist dude at his table and asked what he does. Howard said everyone freaked out. He's apparently very famous. Howard said he didn't know the guy. Howard said the guy never really said. He said he had a really handsome guy sitting next to him too. Howard said he was talking to that guy and he was really interesting. Howard said then he asked what his name is. He said it was Orlando Bloom. Howard said he had no idea. Howard said they were ''dude'ing'' and all of that. Howard said the guy is so handsome. He said he said to him it must be tough for him to be there. He said he hasn't gotten laid or a blow job in a half hour. He said Orlando said he's right. Howard said Whitney Cummings was there so he asked her to take Orlando somewhere and blow him. He said it was very funny. Howard said they were very nice people. Howard said he knows Orlando Bloom but he never really sees his movies. Howard said he thinks he saw one of the Lord of the Rings movies. Howard said he's a really nice guy.
Howard said there was dancing going on. He said he likes to dance. Howard said he doesn't want to be a douche. He said he wanted to go home and sleep. He said Beth wanted to stay but as soon as they got back to their place her head hit the pillow and she was out.
Howard said he dances. He said Jimmy doesn't dance so he dances with Jimmy's wife. Howard said he danced and Sia was there singing. He said it was very romantic. Howard said he grabbed Orlando and danced with him. He said Orlando grabbed him so tight. He said that even Beth was saying that he's a really handsome dude. Robin said there is no dispute about that. Howard said Orlando knows it too.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel was the preacher who did the ceremony. He said he did a beautiful job. Howard said he's still upset about the lion being killed. Howard said that Ellen Degeneres went off on him for making fun of Jimmy. Howard said he has a bunch of pets at home and he threw Robin under the bus for making fun of Jimmy. Howard said he actually said Jimmy is twice the man he is because he can cry over something like that. Howard said he didn't make fun of Jimmy. He said he was impressed with him.
Howard said this was a 2 day trip to L.A. and it was like he traveled to the moon and back. He said he laid in a chaise lounge and he had to recover from that.
Howard said he has to go to see a doctor. Howard said he has 6 weeks of America's Got Talent to do. He said he was just contacted by them and he has to work Thursday. Howard said all of a sudden he has to work on Thursday night. Howard said he's pissed about that. Howard said it's good he's leaving. He said he has to get through 6 weeks and he's done.
Howard said he's going to load up on a double espresso before America's Got Talent this week. He said he has to do that. He said he has to do that. Robin said that's too much. Howard said he will do one in his mouth and one in his ass. Robin said she'd prefer that he do that. Howard said he knows. Howard said he's going to do it live on America's Got Talent and win the million dollars. Robin said she'd tune in for that.
Howard said he's not sure what's going on with him. He said he had to stop running because of the pain he gets. Robin said he's getting older. Robin said maybe running just isn't for him. Howard said he gets the pain in his ribs and neck though. Robin said maybe he should do Yoga. Howard said ''fuck yoga.'' He said he's not going into some room with a sweaty guy's ass in his face. Howard said he's not doing it. Robin said Dr. Agus recommends that. Howard said he loves that Dr. Agus. Howard said Dr. Agus could be Dr. Anus if he just changed one letter in his name. Howard said he highly recommends his book ''A Short Guide to a Long Life''.
Howard asked Ronnie if he drinks coffee. Ronnie said he can't because of kidney stones. He said he had to stop. He said that the caffeine causes them. Gary doesn't drink coffee but just because he never liked it. Howard said his parents drink coffee. Ronnie said he used to drink tons of Snapple. He said that's where he got them from.
Howard said he just wants to draw in graphite. Robin said that it's just as important where he draws as much as where you don't draw. Howard said it's negative space. Howard said there's a lot of things that he's not good at.
Howard said that he was doing some stuff for Beth and he started playing around with color. He said he did a test but it looked so good that he decided to give it to Robin. Howard said he thought she might like it and Beth said Robin would love it. Robin said she appreciates it so much. Howard said she's lucky. He said she's one of only 2 or 3 people who have gotten something like that. Howard said he thought about using it in another painting but he gave it to Robin. Robin said maybe he can take it back. Howard said he might want to give it to Orlando Bloom.
Howard said there are so many announcements that came in for Robin's birthday. He said that they got them all together to sing to Robin. Howard played a clip of the Wack Pack singing Happy Birthday to Robin.
Howard took a call from Pittsburgh Pete who said he went out to see High Pitch Eric and Joey Boots over the weekend. He said he's working at a strip club and they were down in the same area. He said he and Joey have some bad blood over the internet. He said with Joey he crosses the line. He said he creeped him out to the point where he wanted to call the FBI about a year ago. He said Joey put out all of his personal information. He said people can't handle him so it gets personal.
Pete said that he saw Eric and Joey at a Pirates game. He said that he went up to them with passes and they told him to get the fuck out of there. He said Eric didn't know who he was but he said ''fuck Pittsburgh Pete'' and went off on him.
Pete said he saw Joey later and said ''What's up fag?'' and walked away. He said Joey came running after him and got in his face. He said he told Joey that he said ''nothing faggot'' and as soon as he said that Joey punched him in the face in the jaw. He said this was on Saturday night. Pete said the tables got turned on him. He said he hit Joey 3 times in the face and beat him up. He said Joey was stumbling around and blood started pouring out of his nose.
Howard got Joey Boots on the phone. Joey said that he barely knows this guy. He said he was never part of putting information out online. He said it never happened. He said Pete called him a faggot and he went up and asked if he did that. He said he clocked him when he said it. He said Pete got in one shot on him and hit his nose. He said he started yelling shit about AIDS and shit. He said he went after him and hit him 4 or 5 more times. Joey said he didn't beat anyone's ass. Pete said Joey is lying. Joey said Pete is the liar.
Howard asked if High Pitch Eric got involved. Joey said he was tending bar. Pete said that he was swinging his cane around. Pete said that Joey hit him once and he hit Joey 3 times. Pete said he came to Pittsburgh and got his ass beat. Howard said he doesn't get why they're even fighting. Pete said Joey was spitting on people. He said he was calm and collected and Joey was the one who wasn't. Joey said he won the fight. Pete said he totally lost.
Howard told Pete he can't go around calling people ''faggot.'' Pete said he regrets doing that. Howard asked how they're going to resolve this. Pete asked if he remembers waving his arms around asking if he'd had enough. Howard said there shouldn't be fighting going on during Robin's birthday. Joey said if he sees Pete again he had better keep walking. Pete said he had his chance.
Howard asked if Eric is still gaining weight. Joey said he said to him that he lost 14 pounds and asked if he could see it in his face. He laughed.
Pete said he broke Joey's nose. Joey and Pete went back and forth on that for a minute but Howard said he had to go. Joey said he has an update on Eric. He said he's done with his probation with Donnie Wahlberg. He said he also raised $3,500 for Nicole Bass. Howard said he really has to go. He had to cut off the argument to let them go.
Howard had a clip of High Pitch Eric talking to Jon Leiberman about his weight loss. In the clip Eric said he's been eating better and drinking a lot of water. He said he's drinking 11 bottles of water a day now. Howard said his probation is over and he can talk to Donnie Wahlberg now. Howard played some audio of Eric talking about that with Jon Leiberman too. He got in contact with him as soon as his probation was over.
Howard said that High Pitch Eric wants Elephant Boy banned from the show too. Howard played audio of Eric talking about that with Jon Leiberman. Howard said that might be old. Howard said Eric cut a song about not being able to talk to Donnie Wahlberg. He played that song. Howard said that's called ''Stuck in Wack Pack Prison.''
Howard said Bobo is still in Wack Pack Prison. He said he won't be back on the show until September. He said there are many songs coming in about Bobo and Wack Pack Prison. Howard said he has so many. Howard played one of the songs about Bobo and then went to break.
Howard said they called this thing a birthday party. He said they had the wedding on a Wednesday to make it seem like a party. Howard said he had the week off so he went out. Howard said it was too much of a trip for him. Robin said he sets himself up to have a bad time. Howard said he knows them from going on vacation with them. Howard said there are photographers around them all the time. Howard said he has a sheet up around him so he doesn't have pictures taken. Howard said he hasn't even seen Mexico because of that. He said his memories are all of sheets. Howard said he talked about that for a bit of time. Howard said you really get to know people when you can't leave the house when you're on vacation with them. Howard said he wants to go out.
Howard said they had a very good time. Gary asked if he was invited to the honeymoon. Howard said they were but he wasn't going to do that. Howard said he wanted to go home. Howard said they should be left alone on their honeymoon. Howard said his mother told him that his sister had to get to know her husband on her honeymoon. Howard said that his mom thought Ellen was still a virgin. Howard said he's sure that she wasn't.
Howard said he loves Justin and he told Jennifer she's very lucky. Howard said he talked about his abs and ass. Howard said he was giddy over him. Howard said Orlando Bloom blows him away though. Robin said now she knows Howard's type. Howard said he said all of that about Justin to make Orlando jealous.
Howard said that it was too much for him to go away for 2 days. Robin asked why he doesn't just go with it. Howard said he did. He said they got to L.A. and they stayed in a hotel they've never stayed at. Howard said Beth called the travel agent to complain that he was miserable. Howard said he actually liked it there. Howard said he was the loose one and Beth was the one who was uptight. Howard said he doesn't like going to L.A. though. He said he did see Jimmy and John Stamos too. He said he can't take the time travel though. Robin said nothing happened. Howard said he just can't handle anything. He just wants to sit home. He said he can't do it anymore. Robin asked when he was doing it. Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard said it was nice. He said the papers did get the Robert Downey Jr. story wrong. Howard said he wasn't there. Howard said maybe they thought Orlando Bloom was Robert Downey Jr. Howard said he hates these new anchors who act like they can't believe he was at the wedding. Howard played a clip from one of those news reports. In the clip the reporter read the names of the guests and another anchor sounded shocked that Howard Stern is friends with Jennifer and Justin.
Howard said he's having computer problems. He said he had a lot of problems over vacation too. He said that's all he did over vacation. He said the next six weeks are going to be a bitch. He said he has the live America's Got Talent stuff going on and now he has to work on Thursday night. He said they are taping something that night.
Howard said while they were away the guys put together a song parody for Robin. Howard said the guys were working on the song and Charlie Puth shows up for a tour. He said he's a big fan of the show and Will asked if he wanted to record the song they were doing because it was his song. Howard said Charlie did the song for them so this is the real guy singing the song. Howard played the parody about Robin's birthday. Howard said this is the real guy singing his own song parody. Howard said that song with Wiz Khalifa was at number one on the charts for like 12 weeks. Howard said Robin loves the song.
Howard said the other guy working hard on Robin's birthday was Sour Shoes. Howard said he was doing all kinds of impressions. Howard played some of the messages they got from Sour. He did his Gary impression and a Sting impression too. Howard said he also did a Whoopi impression too. Howard played that and said he did Sour McCartney too. Howard played an Evil Dave message for Robin too. Howard said that was Robin's birthday celebration. Howard said there's a lot going on there. Robin said she's glad it's over.
The caller asked if Trump is going to end up running in the end. He said people hate politicians and people seem to be showing up in droves. Howard said if he and Jesse Ventura ran he's pretty sure they could get 25 percent of the polls. The caller said they'd win by a landslide. Howard said FOX is so excited that they're trying to get Dennis Rodman to run. Howard said it would be great if they did something like that. Howard said Danny Bonaduce would be great. He said Courtney Love would be great as Secretary of State. Howard said he'd love that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Target is removing boys and girls departments from their clothing section. They're making it gender neutral. Robin said they are going to just say ''kids.'' Robin said if you want to find a toy they don't want it to be for a gender. Howard said he gets that but the clothes thing doesn't seem right. Howard said that he'd want to go to the boy's section.
Robin said she was at a veterinarian's office while they were off and this guy was wearing a kilt. Robin said he had a bald head and he was wearing a kilt. Robin said everyone in the waiting room looked at each other when he came out.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what was up with Piers Morgan on America's Got Talent. Howard said he's a fan of Piers but his mom called asking what was up with him too. Howard said Piers thing is to be brutally harsh. Howard said he went on the show himself to try to find some talent. He said he was wondering if they took steps backward or what on that show. Howard said the thing is to be helpful to the talent. Robin said that they didn't have to take them out at the legs when some of them were going to be eliminated anyway. Howard said he had a good time with Piers that night. Howard said he's happy that the live shows are starting and he can say what he wants. He said that's the interest he has in the show. Howard said that starts Tuesday night. Howard said this is his final season there. He said he thinks that Simon Cowell is going to get the job to replace him. Howard said that way they can save some money on production. Howard said NBC has been gracious to him. He said he wishes them the best.
Robin said she didn't like the way the judging went this season. Howard said he is a fan of having no one there but it's not his call. Robin said that it had a different feel. She said that it wasn't like the regular auditions.
Howard said the live shows are starting now and it's going to be good. He said that they'll see what happens. Robin said she'll be coming by. She said some of the acts are so crazy. Howard said they have some good ones.
Howard said Beetlejuice was there recently. Howard said that has a new album coming out and he did some great songs. Howard said he did one song called ''Don't Worry Be Beetle'' and it's great. Howard played the song and Beet was sort of singing the song and rapping over it too. Howard said it's nice. Beet makes up his own lyrics in the song. They went to break after that.
Howard said Beetlejuice has a son now so he has to put out that album. Howard said he's a good dad. Howard said when they asked Beetle about having a son and not knowing about it he said he'd take care of him. Howard said he was in the hall playing ball with him. He said he admired Beetle because of that. Howard said Beet was insulting Ronnie out in the hall too. Howard played some audio of Beet going off on Ronnie out there in the hall. Howard said Ronnie didn't even have a comeback for Beet. Robin asked if Beetlejuice started drinking coffee too.
Howard said Beet didn't even ask for a DNA test for his son. He said he just took him in even though he's white. Howard said Beet saw Gary in the hall and started ripping him. He played some audio of Beet going off on Gary and calling him names. Howard said he was nuts. He was going off on everyone out there.
Howard said Beet never says a bad word about him. He said he has mixed emotions about Gary and Ronnie. Howard said Beet has another song on his album called ''I'll See you in Hell.'' Howard said this is going to be a huge smash. Howard played some of that song. Howard said he sounds like David Lee Roth. Howard said someone told him that Staind is already working on a cover of that song. Howard said Beet hasn't been that creative in a long time.
Howard said before vacation they talked about the Gjallarhorn thing and how kids freak out when they win one. Howard played a clip of a kid freaking out when he won one. Howard said that clip is great to make phony phone calls with. Howard played a call that Chris Wilding made using the clip of a kid freaking out. He told this woman that he had a tumor called a Gjallarhorn. He called a woman who was trying to pray it out of him.
Howard said Jeff the Drunk's cough is another great thing to use in phony phone calls. Howard played another Chris Wilding call where he used Jeff's cough. The host of the show said he might have to hang up on him because he's coughing too much. Howard said that if you have an internet radio show then just take any call you get. He said just go with it.
Howard said Gary's throat clearing really bothers him. He said people were asking why Alec Baldwin's throat clearing didn't bother him. He said that it just didn't bother him. He had a Dueling Throat Clearing thing that they put together using Gary's throat clearing and Alec's throat clearing.
Howard said it's nauseating when Gary does it. Howard said he isn't bothered by Alec. Howard played another song about Gary's throat clearing. He played another one from Psych after that.
Howard said you can work that into any song. Robin asked if they put those phlegm things through a device to get different pitches. Howard said they don't have to. Howard said he listens to this to stay fit. He said he hears it and he can't eat for a month. Howard said it's the phlegm diet.
Mariann said she felt terrible when she heard the news. She said it was sad hearing about his life story too. Robin said his family did move around a lot. Howard said he begged his family to move. He said his life story is the opposite of Frank's. Robin said he was good at sports and he got into college and wound up in professional sports. Mariann said that they love Howard. She said tomorrow she'll be by his side at America's Got Talent. She said she has Jeff the Drunk, Joey Boots and High Pitch Eric coming with her tomorrow. She said the show is going from 8-10 instead of until 11 now. Howard said he's happy about that.
Howard let Mariann go and took a call from Jeff the Drunk. Howard said Jeff was getting boring for a while there but now he's found Periscope. Howard said he has that disgusting cough and it's kind of funny in a way. Howard asked if they have new Jeff Periscope stuff. JD let him know where it was.
Howard said that he has a clip of Jeff trying to sing and Shuli keeps interrupting him by calling in the middle of it. Howard had Shuli come in. Howard said Shuli calls him on his cell phone while he's reading his lyrics on the phone. Howard said it freaks Jeff out. Shuli said he'll call and do that but it also cuts out on its own at times. Howard said Jeff doesn't know that it's Shuli calling.
Howard played a clip of Jeff trying to sing a John Mellencamp song when his shitty internet interrupts the song. Jeff gets all pissed off. Shuli said it's the most entertaining thing. Howard said he's doing this in his trailer. Jeff said he was just getting into it and it fucks up. Jeff keeps starting it over. Shuli said he's like Fonzie because he'll hit it and it starts again. Howard said this is a really good commercial for his Periscope account but it's not that good without them. Howard said Jeff sings and the internet connection keeps fucking him up. Then he gets calls from Shuli but the number is blocked so he doesn't know it's Shuli. Jeff keeps getting interrupted and gets all pissed off. Jeff's ringtone is his ''Jeff the Drunk'' theme song. It keeps interrupting him.
Howard said Jeff changed his cell number not knowing it was Shuli who was doing that. He said he ave Shuli the new number and then Shuli starts calling him again. Howard played another clip where Jeff went off on Shuli saying he knows he's watching. Howard said Shuli tortured him for hours with that. Howard played some audio of Jeff yelling at Shuli for calling him over and over. Jeff told him to never call him again on that phone. Jeff said he's done. Howard said Shuli kept going.
Howard said The Lump also called. Jeff said he did. Shuli said Jeff changed the number a second time that day. Shuli said he had to get his info. He said that his home phone was given out online so it's always busy. Howard had The Lump on the phone too. Howard said he has to play when The Lump calls too.
Howard played another clip where Jeff is interrupted again during his performance and this time it's The Lump. Jeff said he was going to change his number again. The Lump said he hopes he changes his underwear as often as he changes his number. Jeff said he hopes he dies that weekend. He said he knows it's Eric Andre. Howard said The Lump was excellent there. Howard said The Lump is making his debut on the Periscope thing. Jeff said he has a lot of stuff about his show. The Lump said the show is called ''The Who Gives a Shit Hour.'' Howard said that Shuli is making a living watching this stuff. Shuli said it's not just Jeff. He watches Mariann from Brooklyn kick boxing too. He said Jeff sits in the same spot the whole time and he has Christmas lights up that have been up all year. Shuli said he has no air conditioning so he has sweat pouring off his face. He said he has a towel to wipe himself off. Shuli said Jeff gets mad that people fuck with him after he gives out his number.
Shuli said someone took Jeff's number and put up a Craigslist ad for a washer and dryer. Jeff said they put it up for free. He said he got about 50 calls about that. The Lump said it wasn't an ad where he was looking for a job.
Shuli said that Sour Shoes is on Periscope now. He said that might take away some of Jeff's audience. Howard asked how Mariann looks on Periscope. Shuli said she's in good shape and she looks good. Shuli said she's pissed at Jeff for his Periscope. Jeff said she's not. He said that was a misunderstanding.
Howard asked The Lump if he's going to continue calling Jeff. The Lump said he is. He said it's the only calls he gets all day. Jeff said he'll be on today but not for long. Howard asked why not. Jeff said he probably will. He said people are calling him asking when he's going to do another Scope. Howard asked if he can show them his lump. Jeff said it's gone. The Lump said he's still there. He said he's waving now. Howard asked if Jeff still wears that cowboy hat. Shuli said he does. He said he takes it off to wipe down. He said Jeff has no AC so he's always wiping down. Jeff said he has Air Conditioning. Howard asked The Lump if Jeff smells bad. The Lump said he's full of pus and he's grossed out by Jeff.
Howard said The Lump just released a song about Jeff. Howard played the song and The Lump sings about Jeff and how his trailer smells and things like that. The Lump said he's a regular Michael Buble compared to Jeff. Jeff said his career is going down the toilet. The Lump asked if he even has a toilet in his house. Jeff said he does. Howard said he hangs his ass out the window and shits out it.
Shuli said that Jeff will be slinging shit around his trailer on his next 'Scope. Shuli had Howard cracking up talking about that. Jeff said he has almost 400 people in his room now. Howard said he wishes he would shit in his hand on Periscope. Howard said if he did that and stuck it on his head he'd probably have a million followers today. Howard said he'd have more than the republican debate. He said Jeff would break the internet.
Jeff said he sent in a song for Robin's birthday. Howard said he just brought the show to a halt. The Lump said he should make some shit art for Robin. Howard asked if he has the song. Shuli said Jeff sent him a 2 hour Periscope and the song was in the middle of it. Jeff said it was at the end. Howard said he has to get going. He said goodbye to Jeff and let him go. The Lump said goodbye to Jeff too.
Howard said it sounds like Shuli had a good time last week. Shuli said he did. Howard said they have audio of Dr. Phil calling a talk show. Howard said they took Dr. Phil tapes and this guy talks way too long with Dr. Phil. Howard played the clip and they called this guy with the Dr. Phil clips and had him confused about having a kid. They had Dr. Phil saying he had a baby and he can't handle it. The guy kept saying he doesn't have a kid but he kept talking to the clips of Dr. Phil. Howard said when he gets a weird call he'll just hang up. Howard said this guy just stays on the line. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and had Fred play Ronnie's ''Duu'' clip and other clips. Howard said he likes ''Duu'' better than ''Yo.'' Howard said Ronnie says that's his thing but he never did it again.
Howard said Jon Leiberman worked really hard on this Sour Shoes special. Howard said that the 5 part Embedded series starts today and there will be 5 episodes this week. Howard said you can download them on the SiriusXM app too. Howard said they have clips and the first embedded episode up on HowardStern.com right now.
Howard said Sour Shoes brought in food for Robin. Robin wondered if she should eat it. Howard told her to throw it away. Sour Shoes and Jon Leiberman came in and Sour Shoes was doing different voices already. Jon Leiberman said that he spent several hours at his house and that was embedded to him.
Howard said he's starting to get a bead on Sour Shoes. Sour Shoes laughed and couldn't stop. Howard told him to try to be normal. Howard said what's weird about him is that he talks in a baby voice 99 percent of the time. Jon said it's about 90 percent. Howard said that voice is so creepy. Howard said his fantasy is that he's still a baby. Sour Shoes said that's right. Howard said even his room is set up like a baby.
Jon Leiberman said he's most comfortable being a little child. Howard said his coloring books are really creepy. Sour said that the books are in prisons now. He said it's the anger book because you color away your anger.
Jon said he was asking Sour Shoes mother about having a 36 year old son living at home and she said that he's actually 41. Sour said he lies so he can say the date of 1979 to use Gary's ''Noine'' in there. Howard said he also found out that Sour doesn't masturbate. Howard said he's not sure he believes that. Howard said he sees himself as a little boy so maybe that's true.
Howard asked if he's embarrassed to say he does it. Sour said he doesn't do it. He said he likes women like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Sour said he asked a girl out on Saturday night. Sour lets the girls come to him in his dreams and then he'll have a wet dream.
Howard said that Sour's parents think that he's got a gift from god. Jon said that the thing he enjoyed the most was that you get to know the real Michael and not just Sour Shoes. Robin asked if Sour asked the girl out as Michael or Sour. Sour said he did it as Michael. He said that he got a no from her. He said he asked her to go out for ice cream. He said that they run for the hills.
Howard asked what age he would really like to be. Sour said ''Noineteen.'' Howard said he figured it would be like 5. Sour said somewhere in there.
Jon Leiberman said that Sour has a lot of toys in his room. He has action figures that he plays with. Sour said he has a train track set up too. He said he plays with them all. Robin asked how the family feels about that. Jon said that they're very comfortable with him living at home. Jon said they spoke to his parents and also to his friends. He said they found out that Sour was hit in the head with a baseball that may have changed his life. He said the parents say that he's never been diagnosed with Autism or anything.
Sour said that he started doing impressions at the age of 3. He said his first one was The Fonz. He said that he watches TV with his mom so he watches whatever she watches.
Jon said that Sour came up there with a bunch of stuff and Kevin Farley was out in the green room in the lobby. He said Sour was playing with toys out there. He said Sour gave Kevin a big hug. He said that he was all sweaty too. Jon said that Sour asked Kevin if he wanted to play catch.
Jon said Sour has a collection of vintage lunch boxes and he brings them out when he goes out. He said that he brings the stuff with him. Sour said it makes him feel comfortable when he has them. Howard said he's fucked up. Really fucked up.
Jon opened the lunch box and he had piglet and other toys in there. Howard said he's so fucking child like. He said he has to get diagnosed by a doctor. Howard said that would be a great thing. He asked if the parents have ever done that. Jon said that they think he's god's gift to the world and he's there to entertain people.
Gary came in and said there's a mini trampoline in the green room. Howard asked if he carried it up in a cart. Sour said he brought it all in his car. Gary said he has to get in his car from the passenger side because he has to climb over all of this shit. Gary said he also has a giant keyboard out there. He said he also has an accordion. He said he has the lunch boxes and chocolate cake too. He said he was on the trampoline and playing the accordion at the same time.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks is wrong with him. Robin said she thinks it's Aspergers. Howard asked if there was anything else h wanted to bring that he wasn't able to. Sour said he wanted to bring the kiddie pool. He said other than that he got everything he wanted.
Howard said that Gary came out to his house and he hears Sour's impression the whole time. He said it's such a great impression. Howard asked to speak to Gary. Sour went into his Gary impression and talked to Howard about the visit to his house out there.
Howard asked to speak to Mad Dog. Sour went right into the impression of Mad Dog Russo. Sour did that for a short time talking to Robin about going out on her boat and how safe she is with those huge pontoons on her chest.
Sour did his Mad Dog impression talking about the debate and how that went. Sour said it's Trump's election to lose. He talked about Ted Cruz and others.
Howard asked Scott Ferrall some questions too. Sour did his Scott Ferrall impression and talked about the debate a little bit. Howard had Sour going back and forth with Ferrall and Mad Dog Russo. Then Sour broke into his Artie Lange voice. Howard talked to Sour Artie about Caitlyn Jenner. Artie talked about his mother cooking for him and things that Artie has talked about before. Howard asked Mad Dog about Tom Brady and Mad Dog started yelling at Howard. Ferrall didn't care about Tom Brady.
Howard said the new Embedded special will air after the Wrap Up Show and it's on the On Demand section on the SiriusXM app. Howard said he heard from Gary that Sour went to college and graduated. Howard said Gary heard a story about that. Gary said he got a note from a guy who said they were at St. John's and Sour Shoes came in and entertained them all every night for a week. He said Sour even did the creepy baby voice. It turns out Sour didn't belong in the room and he ran out and slept in his car the rest of the time. Sour said he didn't get financial aid from the school so he noticed the dorms had just been built. He said he thought he could stay in the lounge and no one would mind. He said he slept there for a while. He said he doesn't remember going into that room. Gary said they said he was in there for a week. sour said when the dean of students came in he took his act out to the car. Sour said it was kind of a hike to the school with the tolls every day.
Jon said he also drove to Pepperdine and met a bunch of famous people there. He met David Duchovny in a locker room and hung out with him for a little while. He said that he's not sure if he did the baby voice for him or not.
Jon said that sour has only had alcohol once in his life. Howard said he heard about that. Sour said he needed the carbonation to wash something down. Howard said Sour loves living at home. Sour said his mom was singing last night and he was playing piano.
Jon said he has been to some very dangerous places. He said Sour has no air conditioning and it's in an attic. He said the room is pitch dark too. He said he has recordings of the show and other toys. He said that he was walking to the east wing of the attic. He said he took 10 steps and couldn't see anything. Jon said he pulled a string hanging down thinking it was a light bulb. He said the whole light fell on his nose and he got a gash on his face. He said his nose was still bleeding hours later. He said later on he goes downstairs and Sour's dad said that happens all the time. Howard asked if Sour just sweats all the time. Sour said both windows are open so he gets cross ventilation. Howard asked Jon was creeped out the whole time. Jon said that all you have to say is Michael and he gets out of Sour Shoes mode and into Michael mode. He said Sour spends time working with Autistic kids all day.
Howard asked if there are things he can and cant' do at home. Sour said he can't play past 9pm. He said he can't run up the phone bill. He has to lock the doors before he leaves. He has to close the windows if it's going to rain. He said he has to keep the pool looking clean too.
Jon said they got there around 8:15 in the morning and Sour was in the pool singing and playing with toys. Howard said it's really creepy seeing him playing with toys like that.
Howard asked Sour if he's upset that he'll never have a regular life. Sour said a little bit. He said that if he lives to 120 he still has time to grow up. Howard said he doesn't think so. Howard said he'd love to get him analyzed.
Jon said that Sour is very intelligent. He said that you can bring up any subject and he'll talk about it. Jon mentioned trickle down economics and Sour started to explain it.
Howard asked Sour why he doesn't beat off. He asked if it's because he'd get out of baby mode. Sour said that's probably it. Howard said Jon also found out that he's into girls like Jillian Barberie, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Kelly Ripa and others. Sour said that Kelly had Kat Denning on her show and Kat was talking about seeing a horse go to the bathroom. Howard cut that off and asked what the fuck he was talking about. Howard said that Sour is also into Karina from Dancing with the Stars.
Robin said Sour has a 5 o'clock shadow. She said that's very odd too. Howard said this special sounds like it's going to be good. Howard said that his family is excited about it. Robin asked why his parents think that he's not famous. Jon said they ask his parents and friends that. Jon said he was a star athlete in high school too. Howard asked if he was good. Sour said he was a little bit.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Sour ever wears a diaper. Sour said he has. He said he poos in the diaper but he never does that in the pool. He said that he'd get in trouble for that. Howard asked if his mom changes him. Sour said no. Howard asked if he buys diapers at the store. Sour said he gets them at the place he works every day. He said he crawls around doing the baby voice. Howard asked how often he does that. Sour said about every ''noine'' days. Sour said he has worn a diaper into the pool and shit in it there. He said he got out and took it off. Howard asked what the obsession is with that. Sour said he wasn't obsessed. He said he was just too lazy to get out. Sour said he once put a diaper in the recycle bin.
Howard asked Sour, as Mad Dog Russo, about his contract at Sirius. Mad Dog said he and Mike might get back together. He was doing his Mike Francesa impression too.
Howard said Sour has said it all. He said that they have clips of Jon and Sour up on HowardStern.com. Howard said the 5 part series is on this week.
Sour claims that he wrote in the part for Paul Rudd that he played in Friends. Jon said they're trying to confirm that. He said he did used to leave stuff in mailboxes for people. Sour said he had a bare bones script that he left in Matthew Perry's mailbox for that character.
Howard asked Sour how long it's going to take to move all of his shit out of there. sour said it's going to be a long time and it's going to be hot out there too.
Howard said Jon Leiberman got engaged while they were off. Howard asked how that happened. Jon said his girlfriend wanted to go ''glamping'' and they went up to a place in New York State. Howard said he's been to that place. He said he went up there in 2001 after 9/11. Howard said that he went up there and these people think they're hippies but they're really not. Jon said they went to a tarot card reader and the first thing the lady says to him is that he's getting engaged this weekend. Jon said it was before he did it. He said it as the most crazy experience. Jon said that they came back and he proposed in Central Park. He said she loves it there so he had her put together a puzzle there. He said he gave her the ring there.
Howard asked Jon how long it took to put the puzzle together. Jon said it was 30 pieces. He said they went to a winery before that and she got really frustrated. He said they came back to the city and she finally put it together. Howard asked how long it took. Jon said he had the puzzle in his pocket and it only took 5 minutes to do. Jon said she figured it out about halfway there. Jon said she told him no more puzzles after that. Jon said he's marrying up.
Jon said that Sour has a thought process about how he does the impressions he does. Howard asked how he came up with the Gary impression. Sour said it's about the ''noine'' and things like that. He did his Gary impression and Howard said Gary really never shuts up. Howard said he had him out to his house over vacation and Gary will talk over his wife. He said it was weird. Howard said he had Robin, Gary and Mary out there. Howard said Robin had to bomb out for various reasons. Howard said he had Gary and Mary there which was fine. He said Gary fills in for anyone who is missing. Sour did more of his Gary impression.
Howard asked Jon how long he's been with the girlfriend. Jon said 2 years. He said she doesn't want kids so no more ''Leiberkids.''
Howard asked Jon if he's going to have a pre-nup. Jon said they were talking about that and since she's a lawyer, probably. Howard wrapped up after that. He gave the guys some more plugs for the Embedded series that will be airing this week. Sour did his Jackie the Joke Man impression before they went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy, Joe, who said that he told his 10 year old that he fought in Viet Nam with Howard. He wanted to get some live show tickets for America's Got Talent. Howard said everyone wants them. Howard said he won't say Joe's real name but he remembers him from Nam. Howard said that war is a strange thing. Howard said he and Joe killed a lot of people. Howard said they came back and they were treated like dirt. Fred played some music as Howard talked about his time in Viet Nam. Howard said he and Joe were grunts and they went in first. Howard said when he sees a guy like Joe they talk about their experiences. Howard said he hopes Joe has told his daughter that he invented the term ''Gook.'' Howard said Joe was the first one to start that. Howard said he's a very original guy. Joe said he should have trademarked that. Howard said he should have.
Howard said it was good talking to Joe. Robin asked about the tickets. Howard said he can't help a maniac who invented the word ''gook.'' He let Joe go after that.
Howard said it's time for Robin's news. He played her into her news with a song parody. Howard didn't like that one but Robin did. She thought it was clever. Howard said it was upsetting to him. Robin said she doesn't understand that.
Robin asked if Howard is watching ''I Am Cait.'' Howard said he has DVR'd it but hasn't watched it yet. Howard said he had a conversation with a guy in the business about that. He said he won't say who it is. Robin said it's Justin Theroux. Howard said it's not him. Howard got back to the guy he had the conversation with. Howard said the guy's theory is that there was intense interest in Caitlyn but then it shifted and people felt the media was pushing it down their throats. Howard said he heard the show is very boring. Howard said they say that her every day life is very boring. Robin said it's become political. Howard said we want to hear her talking about wanting to fuck a guy and things like that. Robin said it's very political now. Robin said all of her friends are transgender but why is that if she wants to be a woman? Robin said there is this really wide discrepancy between Caitlyn and the real world. Robin said these women that Caitlyn is dealing with are regular people. Robin said Caitlyn is being fussed over all the time and the other women aren't. Howard said they say that her ratings dropped 50 percent from episode 1 to episode 2. Robin said that's what she's talking about. Robin said that it's like a Cinderella story. Robin said that's what people wanted to see. Robin said it's all political though.
Robin brought up the debate and asked Howard who he thought won. Howard said that woman Fiorini or whatever her name is. He said that she has some concrete ideas. Howard said she wins based on how she speaks. Howard said Trump won the other debate. Howard said no one cared about the other guys. Robin said they're trying to declare him a loser based on what he said to Megyn Kelly. Howard said he thought she was rough on Trump. Robin said it wasn't impartial. She said that's what a reporter is supposed to be. Howard said she's looking hotter every minute. Howard said someone sent him a note about her saying that she's finally realized she's hot and now she's getting obnoxious about it. Robin said there are like 5 layers of false eyelashes. There's also a lot of lip gloss and you cant help but look at her lips. Robin said she looks like a model from one of Trump's pageants. Robin said she looked like she had Vaseline on her teeth so her lips wouldn't stick. Robin said that's what she saw. Howard said she's ridiculously hot. He said he thought it was an unfair question she asked. Howard said there wasn't any evidence for what she was asking about. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read more about Trump and the debate. She had some audio of Trump talking about the debate on Face the Nation. Howard said he doesn't think any republican can win the election because of the whacked out religious stuff. Howard said he can agree with a lot of the conservative agenda but not the abortion, guns, environmental and gay marriage issues. Howard said he just gets so turned off. Howard said Huckabee can start to talk about some stuff but then he gets into the gay marriage stuff. Howard said that just turns him off and he can't imagine having someone like that in office. Howard said they'll put people in the Supreme Court and they'll eventually abolish abortion. Howard said he remembers when abortion wasn't legal. He said the rich could afford it but not the poor. Howard had to turn his phone off since he forgot. He pretended that Orlando Bloom was calling and said he'll have to call him back later. Robin asked why he didn't try to fix her up with him.
Howard said that all of these guys talking about abortion would probably get an abortion if they knocked up some woman. Howard said that you know you have to say that stuff to get the nomination. He said that's why Trump was for it. Howard said babies being born into this world who aren't wanted are going to lead to more crime. Howard said forget the borders, there are unwanted babies. Howard said it's absurd. He said they make it impossible to vote for them. Howard said they have to cut the nonsense.
Robin read a story about a survey NBC News did that found Trump has 23 percent support and Ted Cruz came in with 13 percent in second place. Robin said Ben Carson had 11 percent. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read more about the debates and had some audio clips for Howard to play. They went through a few and talked about each of the candidates as they went through them.
Robin read a story about drunk driving and a study that was done about how many there are on the roads. Robin read some details about that.
Robin read a story about some attacks in Istanbul, Turkey. After that Howard took a call from a guy whoa asked if he and his girlfriend can come in and sing for him. Howard said he probably doesn't have talent or charisma or something. The caller, Jamie, said that he has auditioned for those kind of shows that Howard is on and he doesn't want to go through the 4 or 5 auditions that they have to go through. Howard told him to sing for him now. Jamie said he'd rather come in. Howard had the guy sing on the phone instead. The guy sang a little bit but Howard hung up on him. That led to Fred playing Robin singing ''Stayin' Alive.''
Jamie had mentioned he is an exterminator so Howard said we need more bed bug exterminators and less singers. Howard said if he was President he'd make some big changes. He talked them over with Robin and then did a live commercial read.
Robin read a story about the trial for the theater shooter, James Holmes. Robin said it ended with a life sentence for the shooter. Howard said these juries, no matter how heinous the crime, they won't have them put to death. Howard said no one kills anyone. Howard said he is against the death penalty usually but they caught this guy red handed. He said he should be killed. Howard said now he'll get fed and he'll be protected in prison. Howard said that's some jury. Robin said he could end up escaping. Howard said that it's like Batman when they never kill The Joker. He said he gets out and gasses the whole city.
Robin read a story about how the NTSB will give their findings about the accident that injured Tracey Morgan. Robin said they're saying that the truck driver was going 20 miles per hour over the limit when it hit Tracy's vehicle.
Robin read a story about the bombings on Japan in World War II and how the Pope came out against it recently. Howard said that it ended the war. He said the amount of troops that this saved is huge. Howard said we saved an estimated 1 million lives by ending the war.
Robin said the Fantastic Four franchise is having troubles. Howard said that it's a crime that they can't make a good movie. Robin said it made just $26 million in its opening weekend. Robin said the director tweeted out about not being happy with the final product. Robin said Mission Impossible made another $29.4 million. Howard said more people saw Lenny Kravitz's penis than saw that Fantastic Four movie. Howard said he will see that when it's out on video. He said he hasn't seen Ant-Man yet either. Howard said Fantastic Four is great. He went through the characters and talked about how great they are.
Robin read that Ed Sheeran is rumored to be dating Nicole Scherzinger. Howard said good for him. He said he has to get back in there. Howard said that's a real woman. He said that you'd have to beat off 3 times before a date with her. Robin said they've reported that they've been seen out walking together. Howard said good for him.
Robin said Steve-O is in the news too. Robin said he's just getting out of jail. Robin said that he climbed on a 100 foot tower and getting caught. Robin had some audio of Steve talking about getting people's attention on this tower he was arrested at.
Robin read about Frank Gifford passing away and had some audio of people talking about him. Howard spent a little time talking about the stories he's heard about Frank too. Robin said they say he died suddenly at their home in Connecticut on Sunday afternoon. Howard said he thinks Kathie Lee will remain single. Robin said she thinks that she'll get married again.
Robin read a story about a study about kids being left in a car alone and how parents sometimes just forget when they have a change in their routine. Robin said they say half of them are sleeping children who are left in the car.
Robin read a story about the Ghostbusters reboot and how Bill Murray is going to be in the movie. Robin said Variety has confirmed that he will be in the reboot. Robin wrapped up after that and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Jon played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's show. After that Jon asked Rahsaan what they have for their poll today. Rahsaan said they're asking ''What's Your Opinion of Sour Shoes ''Baby Voice''? and the choices were:
Jon said that Sour Shoes is amazing. He said that baby voice gives people chills. Tammy said if you're 41 years old and you live at home with your parents maybe that's the best thing to say. She said that it gives you an excuse. Jon said Howard theorized that Sour likes to be a little kid. Jon said that he's fortunate that his parents are accepting of that. Tammy asked if there is something set up for him when his parents go. Jon said that's a good question. He said maybe Jon Leiberman asks about that in the Embedded special.
Jon said Sour Shoes is a lovable and likeable Wack Packer. He said he's one of the cleanest. Tammy said what she loves about Jeff the Drunk was that he was just getting on a roll when he was interrupted. She said he has never been on a roll.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he saw Jeff on Periscope the other night and he sits by a vent that has black stuff growing in it. He said he doesn't get why he wouldn't clean it. Jon asked if the trailer lived up to what he expected. The caller said it was exactly what he expected it to be. He said it was actually a little nicer than he expected. He said you don't get to see a lot of the trailer though.
Tammy said she's in the business of entertainment and Jeff found a way to stay in the business of entertaining. She said Jeff figured it out. She said he's entertaining again. Jon said that staying relevant in their universes is tough. He said Jeff has broken out again but how long will it be before he's boring again. Jon said Howard is fascinated with it right now so everyone else will be too. They went to break after that.
Tammy said Sour is a savant. She said if he could function at all he could make millions. She said that some people just can't function though.
Gary said that Sour is a virgin and he doesn't masturbate. He said he may be one of those guys who humps his bed. He said you can't be 41 and be attracted to people and not do that. Tammy said maybe he's on meds. Gary said something has to be going on there. He said that he has to want to release more often than he is.
Jon said Jon Leiberman is engaged so congratulations to him. Gary said Jon said that was the worst engagement ever. Jon said he wasn't the only one. Gary said that's true. Gary said Jon Leiberman gave her a puzzle and she hates puzzles. Jon said that if you like puzzles then you give her one. He said it was bizarre to him. Jon said Gary thought that Howard's engagement was odd. He just jumped into bed naked and proposed. Tammy said her engagement was finding out she was pregnant. Gary said that Jason did a Christmas thing to propose to his wife and he's Jewish.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Sour Shoes is pretty creepy. He also thought the puzzle thing was pretty weird.
Jon gave up on that caller and took another call. The caller said Sour is his favorite Wack Packer. He said he's very unique. Jon said it's amazing how quickly he can change from voice to voice. He said he doesn't think twice about it. Tammy said it's good that he has this how as an outlet. Gary said he's very genuine too. He said he does his thing and doesn't give a shit about what people think.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he met Sour at the Birthday Bash. He said that you can throw out a name and he goes right into the voice. He said he's a fantastic guest. He said he hopes they use a lot more of him. Jon said he thinks that they'll see more of him in the future.
Tammy asked if he's tough to manage. Gary said sometimes he is. He said he brought a million things with him up there and he went to pick up the trampoline and accordion and he just told him to put it down and he said okay. Gary said he didn't get the trampoline thing. Jon said that's the whole trampoline and hurricane story with Gary. Gary said he didn't even get that. Jon said he goes deep. They went to break after that.
Jon said today's show starts and Howard is drinking coffee. Jon said that he can't remember when Howard last drank coffee. Gary said he was out at his house the weekend before last. He said he was drinking coffee out there and he asked him to get him some there at work. Gary said that he used to equate coffee as his trigger for smoking. Gary said he doesn't drink it and neither does Jon. Jon said this is a big deal for him to start drinking it now. Tammy said they say that the coffee can make you phlegmy with the dairy. Gary said he's drinking it black.
Jon said Howard talked about the wedding today too. He talked about meeting Orlando Bloom there. He didn't know who he was at first. Jon also said that Howard wasn't thrilled going out there. Gary said you have to want to go out there. Tammy said Justin also asked Howard to do the toast. She said the papers were reporting that they didn't know it was going to be a wedding but Howard did. Gary said Howard did say he knew ahead of time. Jon said they also talked about Robin's birthday and played some songs and birthday wishes for her.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it must be weird for Gary to hear Sour doing his voice. He wondered why he doesn't do other voices of the Wack Packers. Gary said he's not sure what Sour has in his arsenal. He said maybe he does and he just doesn't tell them about them. Jon said that maybe they'll hear more in the Embedded special.
Jon said that Tammy deals with the Wack Pack all the time. Tammy said that she wrote some jokes for Elephant Boy and then High Pitch Eric started following her. She said now people are following her because of the Bobo thing. She said that she's not sure why people are obsessed with her. She said maybe it's because she looks a little bit like Howard. She said Eric hasn't asked her for anything yet other than asking her to put Elephant Boy in his place.
Jon said when Eric was banned from the Donnie Wahlberg thing did he contact her. She said that he didn't but Donnie was supposed to take her to Blue Bloods but he gave that spot to Eric. Gary said he saw a picture of Eric naked and he is bigger than ever and you can't see his penis at all anymore. Tammy said even his penis is afraid of him. Tammy said they could have Eric's penis call in like The Lump.
Jon asked Rahsaan for the results of the poll. Rahsaan said that 51 percent said they hate the baby voice. Jon thanked him for that. He got in some plugs and ended the show around 11:50am.
Howard started the show talking about how he had to finish his coffee. He said he was looking forward to that Starbucks. He said that's his new thing. Robin said he's late to the party. Howard said they're probably almost out of business by now. Robin said she was told by a friend that LOL is almost passé now and she just learned it.
Howard said someone wrote him yesterday saying they're talking about coffee like it's crack cocaine. Howard said he hasn't had it since he was 19. He said it's already causing problems. Howard said he sits down at 6:30 to start going over the show. He said he asked Will to get him coffee and they got it around 5:15. He said it was cold and Will wanted to heat it up in the microwave. He said they did and it wasn't hot. He said he got bummed out. He said now they will pick up the coffee at 6:30 so it's hot. Robin said everything is a problem for Howard. She said she makes her own coffee in the kitchen there. She said they have a Keurig machine that makes it right there. She said it's individual cups of coffee.
Fred said Keurig makes a one cup coffee maker. Howard said he doesn't want the pod thing. Howard said he doesn't want that stuff. Fred said it'll give him a big kick. Howard said Robin started drinking coffee 2 weeks ago and now she's a big expert. Robin said she has had a Keurig machine in her house for guests for a long time.
Howard said today is a big day. He said he has to go do the live show for America's Got Talent. He said he has to go over there around 4 and they have a lot of stuff for him to do. He said he just wants to judge. He said they have a red carpet and all of that. Robin said they have to promote the show. Howard said they already have an audience. He said the promotion doesn't help. He said people know when the show is on and that's it.
Howard said they don't ask about America's Got Talent when he's on the red carpet. Howard said they're going to ask about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Robin said it's like he's the leak. Howard said they don't pay this much attention to the Iran nuclear deal. Howard said he didn't really say anything. He said Jimmy Kimmel did the service and that was news. Howard said he's sure he's on the outs now. He said Jennifer looked really good. He said Justin was dressed nicely. He said that they had a professional photographer and took some shots with Jennifer. Howard said he'll never see them though.
Howard had to take his jacket off because of the coffee making him hot. Howard said hi to Benjy. Howard asked how much more weight he's lost. Benjy said he hasn't lost more. He said that's Orlando Blob over there. Benjy said he's down about 65 pounds. Robin said he's still wearing the big clothes. She said she wants him in skinny jeans.
Howard said people say they're having ''my coffee'' and he doesn't get that. He said they're just having coffee. Howard said Steve Brandano brought his coffee in and his hands were shaking. He asked if he's nervous or does he have a disease. Steve came in and said that he knew Howard would do 25 minutes on how hot the coffee was. Steve said he's not nervous for the most part. He said it's when he's starting his day. Howard said he's so nice to Steve. Gary said that he's the first one he talks to in the morning. Howard asked if that shaking has to do with the diabetes. Steve said it can be that too. Howard said he thought the coffee was going to spill on the console. Steve said he was warming it up and they kept asking how long it was going to take. Howard said maybe he should be taken off coffee detail. Howard told Steve to go calm down.
Howard shut Benjy's mic off. He said he can't talk to this guy. He said most people can tell you what they had for dinner. He said he should give Benjy 30 seconds to answer every question. He said it'll be like a debate. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Benjy rambling about his meals. Benjy said if he looked like Orlando Bloom he'd listen to what he has to say.
Howard said Orlando Bloom is so pretty. He said Robin would blow him just for the experience. Robin said he really is a beautiful man.
Fred played a clip of Robin saying she's going to squirt. That led to Robin talking about watching some porn and seeing stuff coming out of chicks that's just crazy. She said she saw some guys doing a girl and she had foam coming out of her. Howard asked if she was jerking off. Robin said she was thinking about it. She said she went on YouPorn since Howard mentions it. She said you need a category. Howard said the front page has windows into the porn. Howard said he better give Robin a lesson.
Howard asked what Robin was watching. Robin said it was a MILF thing. Howard said he skips those. He said he likes to see teenage or someone pretending to be young. Robin said the amount of fluid that comes out of the women is so ridiculous. She said she has to throw that computer out now.
Howard said he ran into Ami Horowitz the other day. He said he always gets in a Baba Booey during broadcasts. Howard played a clip of him getting one in on an Israeli radio show. Howard said he got in a Bobo mention too. Howard played that one too. Howard
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he smokes cigars at all. Howard said he did back at NBC after he quit the cigarettes. Howard said he was there so many hours that he wanted to relax. He said he started with Cigarellos. He said he wanted to inhale and that's worse than cigarettes. Howard said he was at the Jennifer Aniston wedding and someone asked him if he wanted a cigar. Howard said he passed on it but he thought about lighting it up. Howard said he said no to that. Howard said he doesn't want to smoke.
Howard said there's a big picture on the cover of The Daily News of Ben Affleck smoking and he almost equates it with mental illness. Howard said they're so uncool now and it's such a dumb habit. Howard said he used to smoke like a demon when he was 16-19 years old. He said it's such a stupid habit. He said he just wanted to look cool because he was such a dweeb. Robin said it's very hard to stop once you start.
Robin said she was watching a movie or TV show where they had to apologize for all of the smoking in the show. She said they said it was scenes of historical smoking. Howard said it's like you want to kill yourself if you smoke.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if the coffee is helping with his bowel movements. Howard said he took a big one last night. He said he attributed it to the coffee. He said he had a ton of work to do yesterday. He said he was painting after that and then he had to make a doody. He said he held it in as long as he could and then went to the bathroom. He said he had a fantastic bowel movement. He said he felt like he filled the toilet. He said it wasn't as much as it felt like. He said the full evacuations are almost better than sex. He said he gets so into it. The caller said after he has coffee it's almost like an emergency getting to the bathroom.
Howard said when he was in L.A. He was getting on the plane to come home and he decided not to have coffee. He said he didn't want to shit on the plane in front of Beth. Howard said he didn't want to gross her out.
Howard said he felt like he wasted a lot of time not painting when he was younger. Howard said he would be so good at it now if he had. Howard said he can't stand being a beginner. Robin said he can't enjoy anything. He said he enjoys nothing. Howard said painting for him is like a job. He said he has to get good at it. Howard said when he sees someone painting better than him he gets pissed off.
Robin said the same thing happened with chess. Howard said he went to a chess club and a 13 year old beat his ass into the ground. Howard said he gave up after that. Robin said there's a Bobby Fischer documentary coming out. Howard said he was a real whack job. Howard said that guy went over every chess move that he could. Howard said that's what it takes to be great. Howard said he knows what it's like to be great in radio. He said it doesn't just happen by accident. Howard said if you start young and you put in the thousands of hours then you can do it. Howard said you have to want to do it. Robin said you need the ability to do it. Howard said no. Robin said yes.
Howard said he wishes he could have a day where he didn't have to have commercials. Howard said he thought this thing was supposed to be commercial free. He said people are paying for the service so why are there commercials? Howard said he needs to sit on the board if he signs up for more time there.
Howard said Ted Cruz looks like he is on fire and he'd want to fuck you up. Robin said he's blackening his hair and he's a very strange looking guy.
Howard said Patacki has a weird way of saying ''Jihad.'' Howard played an example of him saying it like ''Ja-had.'' Howard said that Mitt Romney is going to call in too. Howard had the fake Romney on the phone after that.
Howard asked fake Mitt if he was upset that he didn't run. Mitt made some jokes and cracked himself up. Howard said he sounds very relaxed. He said he must like not being under that pressure. Mitt said he's so relaxed he unbuttoned the second button on his shirt.
Howard asked why Mitt didn't run. Mitt said because he'd lose. Howard asked what his opinion is of Donald Trump. Mitt said if people like a rich mother fucker then why didn't they vote for him?
Howard asked about Ben Carson. Mitt had some things to say about him. He joked that he likes the fat guy from New Jersey. He was talking about Jason Kaplan and not Chris Christie.
Howard asked Mitt about the dentist who killed the lion. Mitt said it's very tragic. He said last week he had to clean Gary's teeth. Howard said he's not sure how this is going over.
Mitt made a few more jokes and Howard wrapped up with fake Mitt. Howard said goodbye to him. Howard said he had some good lines.
Howard said Lindsay Graham creeps him out. He said both Ted Cruz and Lindsay Graham creep him out. He said Graham looks like the kind of guy who goes home and puts on his mother's clothes. Howard said that he sounds like Droopy the Dog. Howard played a clip of Droopy and then mentioned that Stephen Colbert will be in next week. He said he can't wait to see what he does with his show. Howard went to break after that.
Robin said she has a question about Sharknado. Howard said they have to stop doing the or get some special effects. Howard said it's just the idea of the movie that's funny. Robin said the second one did well. Howard said he talks about it constantly but he's never seen it. Howard said it's funny to talk about it. He said the bottom line is that he can't sit through it. Robin said she saw a few minutes of it but she didn't get through it. Howard said it's like America's Got Talent because there are so many boring acts. He said tonight he'll be live and they can't censor him.
Howard said it's going to be a good show tonight. He said they have a bunch of good acts coming up. Robin said they had a mentalist who was boring this last time. Howard said he figured out how to do those tricks. He said he thinks he can do it now. Howard had a pad in front of him. He asked Robin to think of a city in this country. Robin said she's thinking about it. Howard asked her what the city was and said he got it wrong. Howard asked her to think about a name of a guy she dated. Robin did that and Howard said he got that wrong and threw out the paper. Robin said she gets how he's doing this now. Howard was just writing down her last answer on the paper. Howard showed Robin how the trick worked. Howard said that's how that guy did his trick.
Howard said Jim Breuer did a phony phone call as Goat Boy calling a religious show. Howard said he heard it and it's so funny. Howard played the call and Jim was doing an old guy voice at first. Jim said he could use a prayer. He told the woman what happened to him and now he finds himself making goat sounds. Jim then started doing his goat sounds as he was praying with the woman. Howard was cracking up hearing it. Jim kept doing it and the woman was praying for him and saying he has to pray too.
Howard said he has to have Jim in there to call different shows as Goat Boy every day. Howard said it's so great. Howard said they should play that call every day for a year to get people off of that religious stuff.
Howard said that the overwhelming support for Beetlejuice's new album was great. He said that Beet has a few new songs coming out and they have a video coming out too. Howard said he can play the new single called ''Beetle in the House'' and it's one of the catchiest tunes ever. Howard said he can picture it being played at Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's wedding. Howard said he wants to play it today but he only has 47 seconds of it. Howard played the song for Robin.
Howard asked how good that was. Howard said he dances to it every time. He said he loves it. Robin said they need a radio mix though. Howard said they're on satellite so they don't need one but there is one. Howard said that song was nominated for a Special Grammy. He said he played ''Don't Worry Be Beetle'' yesterday. He played it again.
Howard said that he loves Beet's ''See You In Hell'' too. Howard played some of that. Howard said he's counting Beet's money for him with these songs. Robin said she's trying to think of what kind of mood she'd have to be in to listen to the whole album. Howard said he thinks Beetle in the House will be a huge hit. Howard played ''Beetle in the House'' again. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that song is one of the most beautiful he's ever heard. He said they never had another success like that one.
Howard said his first guest is Matthew Berry. Howard said he is afraid that Rapaport is going to suck the energy out of the room. Howard said Matthew became an expert at fantasy football. Howard said that he's never won in their league though. Matt said he's been in there for 3 years. He said that he's made the playoffs ever year. Howard said the fear is that Rapaport is going to dominate and he won't get any air time. Matt said he's not afraid of Rapaport. He said he's not scared. He said he just wants a moment of civility. He said that they have a lot of updates on the league. Howard asked what they are.
Matt said they had a rules meeting and changed things around. Howard said fantasy football has become a huge business. Howard said he's created an app around it. Matt said it's called Fantasy Life. He said it's a free app. Howard said Matt worked for George Carlin. Matt said he was a stage PA for George on a TV show he did. He said that was his first job out of college.
Howard asked Matt how he got that job. Matt said it was very lucky and it was because of Sam Simon. He said Sam came and spoke at his college and he got to know him a little bit. He was the executive producer of the Carlin show and he got him the job. Matt said George was a great guy. He said he worked for him for a year. Howard asked what he did for him. Matt said he had to get him his lunch and things like that. Matt said he brought scripts to him too.
Howard asked if George was funny off stage. Matt said he wasn't on all the time. Howard asked if he was high a lot. Matt said no. He said if he was you didn't notice it.
Howard said JD is already yelling at Matt from his office. Howard had JD come in. JD came in and said that he's not afraid of Rapaport. He said he's sent emails to him too. He said he's told him to lose his email. Howard said he heard Rapaport has already sent out 100 emails about this season.
Howard asked Matt to get out what he has to say about this or bring everyone in. Matt said he has a good Carlin story. He said he was talking to Carlin once about the seven dirty words. He said Carlin is in the law books about that. He said it was a routine he came up with in 10 minutes when he was stoned out of his mind. He told Howard what Carlin told him about that. He said he told him how he constructed that bit. Matt said that's the definition of pornography in this country. He said that he was just trying to make a funny comedy bit.
Howard said Sour Shoes breaks down how he comes up with a voice and he kind of knows the region people are from. Howard said imagine being able to hangout with George Carlin like that. Howard said he broke down that act for Matt. Matt said he was a very generous man too.
Howard said he got a report that Rapaport is pacing in the hall. Michael said that's the best reason to make him wait out there. He said that one of the new rules is about punishments. He said they had a rules meeting and both Will Murray and Scott Salem didn't show up. He said that it didn't upset him but Will got upset about the rules. He said that the loser has to buy the food for next year and he has to go into Times Square and walk around with a sandwich board for an hour.
Howard had Michael Rapaport come in. Howard said that he has to talk about how great he was on that show ''Justified.'' Howard said he forgot how great an actor he is. Howard said he was terrific in that. Michael said he appreciates that. He said he didn't even have to audition for the show. He said they wanted him to do the accent. He said he thinks he did a good job with it but it wasn't the best. Howard asked him to do it. Michael said he can't do it. He said it would be embarrassing. He said maybe by the end of the show he can do it. Michael said it's so different than the way he speaks. Howard said it's like telling a comedian to tell a joke. Michael said he's already hopped up on coffee and leg lunges. Howard said he doesn't look like he's been exercising.
Michael said he's helped Benjy out and he won't even come out to say hello to him when he's up there. Howard said that Michael has had some women troubles. Michael said he has a girlfriend who he's been dating for 5 years. Gary asked everyone to raise their hand who has had a restraining order against them from a woman. Michael had one. He said that everyone had one in the 90s. Gary said it was a big story because the woman was famous too. Michael said the OJ thing had just happened too so that's why they were doing that.
Howard said that Justified is a great show but Michael didn't get nominated for an Emmy. Michael said that show gets treated like shit. He said those guys are so great. He said he hasn't heard from them since he left the set but they really are great.
Howard said that he heard Michael thinks that he could play a black person and win an Oscar. Michael said he thinks he could play Rachel Dolezal. He said with all of the Caitlyn stuff going on he thinks he could do it.
Howard said Michael's dad was a famous radio guy. Michael said he's still around too. He said that Howard mentions a guy who had something to do with it. Michael said his mom was a producer for radio shows in the 90s. Howard said he didn't know that radio people were allowed to mate.
Howard said Michael likes that black accent and he'd love to be black. Michael said he doesn't want to be black. He said his father brought home the Super Hill Gang album and he loved that.
Howard said they have to get to the fantasy football thing. Howard said Michael is very controversial. Howard said Michael was on the show ''Louie'' and he was great on that. Gary said he was amazing. Howard said he's a really good fucking actor. Michael said he appreciates that. Michael said Louis C.K. is great. He said it doesn't get any better than that. Howard said that Robin missed the show. Howard said Gary was very pleased with what he did. Michael asked Matt how he feels hearing that. Matt said he's glad he works.
Howard said Louis told him about how great Rapaport was in the show. Matt interrupted so it kind of ruined what was being said. Howard gave Michael a plug for his podcast too. Michael said one of the things that spawned that was his fantasy football thing. He said he needed to vent somewhere.
Howard said the guys think that Michael's 13 year old son is helping with the picks in the football league. Howard asked if that's true. Michael said his 13 year old son and his best friend are helping. Howard said that is one of the raps against him. Michael said he's only 13. Matt said that Michael talks a lot of trash but doesn't know anything about football. Matt asked a question about a player and Michael sort of knew who he was talking about.
Howard said that Gary, Jason and Jon Hein have been winners so far in the league. Michael asked Matt what happened in their games. Matt said he finished first in the regular season. He said he had more points than Michael. He said Will was second. He said Gary ended up beating him and then Michael beat Will in the semi-finals.
Howard asked what the big deal is about this whole thing. Michael said it's just for the fuck of it all. He said if he beat Steven Jobs at Scrabble once you think he's okay. He said if he keeps winning then you'll see that he's great at it. Howard said there's a rumor that Michael has a professional helper. Michael said that's just not true. Michael said he spoke to John Hanson but his 12 year old and his friend did all of the choosing. Howard said the guys are upset about the whole thing and how he's bringing his kids to the draft. Gary said there's not supposed to be any help.
Matt said half the fun is talking trash but he doesn't want the kids there for that. Howard said the guys are feeling funny about doing that in front of his kids. Michael said his kid is a Rapaport so he's heard it all before. Michael said he had his son at Gary's house and they were all talking shit. He said it's fine. Gary said he was at the house and his son being there doesn't slow Michael down at all.
Howard said Michael showed up and he was goofing on Gary's food and the whole event. Michael said the food was B-level. He said that it was like Dominos pizza. He said you have to fend for yourself at his house. Michael said Gary gave him a tour of his house and he didn't give a shit. He said he did the same tour with everyone who came there. Michael said he was happy to be there though. He said that they had fun over there and it was like male bonding. He said his family is beautiful and the house is really nice too.
Gary said they had tons of pizza and chicken wings at the party. It was all good food. Gary said they had dessert there too. He said he had to get his son to move the Xbox upstairs so Michael's son would have something to do. Michael said that Lucas bored his son to tears.
Howard had the rest of the guys who are in the league come in. Michael said that he knows that Mick the Nerd is in the Wack Pack now but Matt Berry should be in there too. He said he's wacky just like Mariann is.
Howard said he heard that Michael has a $5,000 side bet. Michael said they do and they're going to give the money to Beth's Furry Friends. Howard said that it's Bianca's Furry Friends. Michael asked if their house smells like cat piss. Howard said no. He said Beth is on top of the litter pans and there is no smell. Gary said there's no smell in there. Michael asked if any of those cats has ever taken a shot at him. Howard said they haven't.
The guys went over their meeting about the rules. Michael said that Matt wants to control everything. He said he loves Matt but he's so detail oriented and he has shit to do so he can't stick around for that. Will said he's annoyed by this whole thing because it's become the Rapaport and Berry show. He said the draft is happening too early and it's because of Rapaport. Howard asked why he can't be in town for the real date. Michael didn't have an answer. Howard asked what's wrong with the early draft. Jason said he is the commissioner and he has to corral everyone. He said this was the week everyone was in town. Will said they don't all have to be in the same room. Jason said that's the fun. Gary said they're taping it for a special so they kind of do. Howard said maybe they can throw Rapaport and Berry out of the league. Will said it was there before they were there. Michael said they've raised the profile of this shitbox league.
Michael said that he wanted to get some sponsors for this league. He said they're playing for $200 each. Howard said he heard that JD is upset that they went from 100 to 200. Gary said that's coming from a guy who spend 10 grand on porn. Michael asked how he spent that much on porn. JD said it wasn't just one year, it was years. Howard said it was one year. JD said ''whatever.''
Will said Michael can't even name everyone in the league. Michael said he knows Ben Barto is in the league too. He said Will, Gary and Jason are in it.
Michael and Matt went back and forth talking about the league. Will was goofing on Michael talking about eating ice cream with his son and how that sounds like an old married couple.
Howard had an email that Michael sent to Gary. He was talking about fucking Gary's ass up and things like that. Howard read some of that and talked to Michael about his childhood and how he was moved around to different schools. Howard said that would explain the spelling in the email.
Howard asked if this woman in the league is legit. The guys said she is. Howard asked if she's upset about Michael's kid helping him in the league. Michael said that kids are sophisticated these days. Matt said that it shouldn't take that many people to run the team. He said he doesn't want to take shots at Michael and other people with his son there. Howard said it's like having an amulet with him. He said that it's like he's protected there.
Michael said that he saw JD staring at a wall while they were having this meeting. Howard said he heard JD is a wreck over the draft. JD said he is. Jason said you can do a mock draft and JD does like 100 of them over and over. Howard said he has to get a life. Gary said they don't know their positions yet so they don't know who will be picking first. Gary said that they have to have a meeting over that.
Gary said when Michael came to his house with his son it was almost hostage like. Howard said when you have a father like that how can it be anything but that. Matt said that he was all geared up to go over at Gary's house but he has his sweet 12 year old with him. He said he can't talk trash to him if his kid is there. Howard said he's not sure what's going on here but there is a lot of angst there. Howard said he sees they care about this league. Robin said Will seems disgusted. Will said Michael is just an idiot. He said he's constantly emailing and talking about fucking people. He said that he doesn't like that part of the whole thing. He said that he and Matt are the best players in the league but Gary has luck and wins. Gary said he came in and said there is a lot of luck involved and when he did that Matt and Will said that's not true. Matt said skill gets you to the playoffs and luck gets you the win. Gary said that he's been in the playoffs every year but one.
Howard said he's going to pick the order of the draft picks. Howard said he's going from last to first. Howard said the last pick in the league is going to be Michael Rapaport. Michael said this is some bullshit. Howard said that it's Michael and his son who will be picking last. Will said he loves it. Michael said it really doesn't matter that he's going last.
Howard said next to last will be Scott Salem. The guys said they have to make sure he pays up on time this year. Howard said that number 8 in the draft will be JD Harmeyer. JD said he'll deal with it.
Howard said that number 7 in the draft pick will be Will Murray. Will said he can live with that. Michael said 1 or 10 is better. Gary said it's a snake pick so you get the 10th and 11th if you're 10th. Howard said they're really douche bags.
Howard said that Lisa Ann is number 6 in the pick. Gary is number 5. Michael asked what Will does there on the show. He didn't know that he's a senior producer there. Matt said that Will is great at his job. He sat in on a writer's meeting and he was really good. Howard said Will also brings him his breakfast every morning and he's great at that too.
Howard said number 4 in the pick is Matt Berry. Howard said number 3 in the draft is Ben Barto. Howard said that Michael has no knowledge of that person. Jon Hein was going to be in the top 2 and he doesn't think that's a great thing. He said he was up there last year and things didn't go well.
Howard asked why Jon Hein never gets in trouble with anyone. Michael said he just rides the straight line. He said he never fucks around.
Howard said coming in at number 2 is Jon Hein. Howard said number 1 is Jason Kaplan. Gary said that someone put their name in the box at the last minute. Jason said he found one in the hall and he had to put it in after. He said he'll fall on the sword if they want him to.
Howard gave the guys some plugs and started to wrap up. Howard talked to Michael for a short time about working with Steven Spielberg. He also talked to him about Woody Allen. Michael said that he wasn't directed by Woody but he did watch the dailies and things like that. Howard asked if Michael can memorize scripts. Michael said good dialog is easy to remember.
Howard asked if he has lost any parts that he thought he should get. Michael said he missed out on Inglorious Bastards that Eli Roth played. He said he thinks he could have played that part. Howard asked if he was upset when he saw the movie. Michael said he wasn't. He said he loved the movie. Robin said if Michael had played that part she would have wondered why an Irish guy was playing the part. Michael said he's full Jewish.
Howard asked Michael when he looks at Deflate Gate what does he think about Tom Brady. Michael said that he should hand in his Captain America shield. He said it's embarrassing for the league. Howard asked if the 4 game suspension is enough. Michael said it's too much actually. He said Roger Goodell has to go. Matt said he thinks it was too harsh and Goodell has to go. Matt spent a little time talking about the Goodell thing. He said that the punishment is too tough.
Will said he doesn't know what Michael is talking about right now. He said he's getting into this whole thing and he's not sure what he's talking about. Matt said that Michael turns on people in the league but the rest of them are united. Michael said he's out of his mind. He said they're not all united. Gary said that Michael thinks there is collusion there and at times they do talk about how they have to beat him.
Jason said he loves Michael and what he does. JD said he's not into it. He said he's very nonsensical with his shit. Michael asked if he has been left of entire email chains in the league. Gary said he doesn't think so. JD said that Matt is calmer and less abrasive with people. JD said he isn't into that stuff. Matt said he doesn't mind the trash talk. He said it's fine to do that. Gary said Rapaport is mildly amusing. He said he believes that Michael doesn't really mean it. Michael said he has told Gary that his kids should be on their hands and knees thanking the lord that they look like their mom and not like their dad.
Howard asked if it's true that Rapaport trashed Gary's mural of the 86 Mets. Gary said he may have but he can't change history. Michael said if he goes back to Gary's house he wonders if he has to go through that tour again. Gary said no. Michael said he was just wondering what the fuck was going on there. Gary said that Mary is going to make him a special meal when he comes back. Michael said they shouldn't have local pizza in Connecticut. He said his wife should be cooking. Gary said it wasn't Dominos pizza. Michael kept saying it was.
Howard asked if this is the fun of it. He said it's not about the football, it's about all of this. Gary asked if he will get his name on the trophy. Jason said he will. Howard said that he's bored with this now. He said he has to shut it down. He was into it for a few minutes.
Howard asked Michael if he got paid a lot of money on Justified. Michael said he's very fortunate. Howard asked if he's worth $12 million. Michael said he's divorced. Howard asked if he could quit working right now. Michael said he can't quit. He said he has no complaints about what he makes. He said he's good. Howard asked if he's a millionaire. Michael just said he's good.
Michael asked if Howard really just started drinking coffee. Howard said he did. Michael said he just started drinking coffee like 2 years ago. He has to tone his down. Howard said he drinks it black. Will asked if he has anymore coffee questions, asshole. Michael said he's not even going to make eye contact with him.
Howard gave the guys more plugs and ended the segment. They went to break after that. They played Beetlejuice's ''I'll See You In Hell'' as they went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would ever go on Periscope. Howard said it's great technology but he's not going to do a show on there. The caller asked if he'd show his studio where he paints or something. Howard said maybe some day he'll do that but they do video on HowardStern.com. Howard said they had Sour Shoes stuff up there yesterday. Howard said they do a lot of that. Howard said he's not sure they need Periscope to do that. Howard said it's cool that people can do that though. The caller said it would be great if Howard could do that. Howard said maybe one day he will.
Howard said he has a song parody for Robin from El Chappo. He played the song for her. Howard said he also has the top 5 songs. Howard said at number 5 was Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth. Howard played Jim Breuer's version of the song. Taylor Swift was at number 4. Number 3 was Silento, number 2 was The Weeknd. Number 1 was Omi. Howard had Beetlejuice singing the top 3. Howard had a Seth Rogen impersonator singing number 4.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about him taking off tomorrow. Howard said he has six weeks of live shows for America's Got Talent. Howard said it's difficult for him to get home and get to bed before midnight. Howard said he's taking off tomorrow. He said he'll see how it goes. He said if he gets to bed quick enough he'll see if he can work some Wednesdays. Howard said he's using up his vacation with these days. Howard eventually told the caller to fuck off.
Howard said that this guy has an internet show and he usually starts it at 8:00pm. This night he started at 8:06. Howard played a clip of a guy complaining about that. The host of the show said he had a problem with the sound. The caller told the guy he should be there at the time he says he's going to start. Other callers were calling in and complaining about the same thing. Howard said he loves his arrogance that he thought people really cared he started late.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to complement him on the great radio they've done with Embedded. Howard said that's some great stuff. Howard said here is some great stuff in there with Sour Shoes. The caller said you get to hear the real Sour Shoes. He said it's so great. He said it opened up a whole world.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what the future of independent radio is. Howard asked what he means by that. The caller said he's in St. Louis and they have a station run by local people. Howard said radio is changing so rapidly. He said the thing that was so great about terrestrial radio is that it was the only game in town. Howard said everyone had a receiver. Howard said now there's satellite radio and internet radio. Howard said there are other says of distributing content. Howard said they have power. He said they can go to different places. Howard said they can go to the internet. Howard said the dominant form is AM and FM. Howard said he thinks that terrestrial is going to struggle and lose it's power. He said Terrestrial will lose its impact and his prediction is coming true. Howard said people are enjoying the freedom of the internet and satellite radio. Howard said that the terrestrial stations are going to have a problem. The caller asked what's going on with the local formats. Howard said they have to do podcasts. Howard said that's enough of that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that JD follows her on Instagram and Twitter. She said that he was her first like and first fave. She said she's not sure if JD has a bot that likes her stuff or what. Howard said she must be a good looking girl. She said she's hilarious. Howard said any chick who says that isn't hilarious.
JD came in and said he has a girlfriend that he loves very much. He said he likes to look at hot girls. Howard said he must follow her because of that. JD asked if she has dark hair. She said she does. JD said he thinks she has a friend that follows her. He said that's if she's the one he's thinking of. The caller was saying some confusing stuff so Howard said this chick is more confusing than Benjy. He said he has to let her go. He said he's trying to make this interesting. He said that's why they pay him the money they pay him there. Howard went to break after playing a History Lesson from Sal Governale.
Howard said that a couple of Robin songs came in too. Howard said there's one about Robin where they sing about her Boob Shadow. Howard said it's a Michael Caine impression in that one. Howard said that was nice. Howard said there's also ''Power of Jugs'' that he played next. Howard said that was a great one from Statterson. Robin said that's a new name. Howard said he had some good imagery in that song.
Howard said some people emailed about Jon Leiberman talking about his engagement. Howard read some of that email. Howard said Sour Shoes had some feedback too. Howard read a couple of those emails. Howard said people love Jeff's Lump. Howard said they have some song parodies about that. Howard said there are many praises for Bill Cosby singing 99 Problems. Howard said he has gotten endless email on those songs. Howard said maybe they can play those. Howard asked the guys if they have the songs he was talking about. They put them up and Howard played the Jeff's Lump song. He played the Bill Cosby ''99 Victims'' song parody too.
Howard said he has a clip to play of a former chauffeur of Bill Cosby's who told stories about how he'd pick up girls. Howard said his voice is disguised in the clip. Howard said he sounds like Lurch. Howard played the clip and the guy explained how Cosby would pick up women. Howard said he's not sure how Cosby had time to rape women while all of this was going on. Howard played another clip where the guy explained how they'd see the girls being very depressed and quiet when they picked them up. He said it was pretty common whenever they'd pick one of these girls up. The driver said they'd pick up a new girl every day.
Howard said that's pretty depressing. Howard put his voice in the same kind of disguise and talked about that for a minute. JD came in and said he didn't necessarily work for Cosby. JD said he worked for a hotel that Cosby would work at all the time. He said he has to disguise his voice because the guy before him disappeared and no one can find him.
Howard said that was interesting. Robin said it's very sad. Howard did more of his disguised voice and talked about what would happen to the girls. Howard said Gary thought that guy's disguised voice might be his real voice. When Howard put his voice in disguise he told JD that it was his real voice. Howard did more of the disguised voice and talked about more of what he did with Cosby.
Howard said he saw Caitlyn Jenner trying to get a woman's voice. Robin said he has no practice being a girl. Howard said he had plenty of time. Robin said no one was coaching him. He was in private. Howard played a clip of Caitlyn Jenner talking about how he'd try to figure out how to do the voice. The girls on the show told him to try it. Caitlyn tried doing the female voice and it was no different.
Howard said you don't have to practice a lot. Howard did his female voice but Robin said it's no different. Howard did his female voice and Robin said he doesn't sound like a woman. Howard said he sounds more like a woman than Bruce Fucking Jenner does. Robin said Caitlyn still wants to grab the door for women. She said he's still such a guy. Robin said he still has his male equipment. She said she did say that if she wanted to be with a man she'd want the right equipment. Howard said he's pretty sure he could fool someone into thinking he's a woman. Robin said she doesn't think so.
Howard put his voice back in the disguised voice modulator and talked more about Cosby. Howard did that for a short time. He was telling stories about Bill Cosby and making stuff up about Cosby having a big, thick load and things like that. He made up stuff about Bill Cosby's penis and what it looks like.
Howard said he thinks he's heard enough from that guy. He went into a live commercial read after that.
Robin started her news with a story about a Florida news anchor who refused to do a story about Kylie Jenner's new bunny being named Bruce. Robin said the guy refused to do the story and walked off the show. Howard said people clearly care about the show. Robin said not that many people watch that show. Robin had some audio of the guy walking off the set of the news. Robin said his mic was still on when he walked off. The guy said no one cares about that show. He said they do it every day. Howard said the guy should fucking relax. He asked why he cares.
Robin read a story about Rory McElroy going off to play soccer with friends and he hurt his ankle doing that. Robin said he's ready to get back into the PGA championship but he had to take a break for the past month. Robin said he says he's ready to play now.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks Trump will drop out or stay in the race. Howard said he thinks Trump's worst nightmare happened. He said he's surging in the polls. He said he might have to stay in.
Robin read a story about Victoria Zdrok talking about how Trump told her that he could never marry a girl because she was half black. Howard said they don't have Trump saying it. Howard said he likes her but you know.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who asked when Bobo comes back. Howard said in September. September 15th. Howard said he believes that's the date. Gary said he thinks it's the 15th. Mariann said she's so nervous about tonight. She said that it's the beginning of the end. She asked if he can believe it. Howard just said he'll see her there tonight. Howard said he always looks over and sees her and it's hard to believe that voice comes out of that nice looking woman. Howard played a Bobo song parody after letting Mariann go. He said that was from Chris Wilding.
Gary told Howard that the 8th of September is the good behavior date for Bobo. He said Bobo could be back that early. Howard thanked him for the update.
Robin read a story about a bear that was caught in Yellowstone Park and they think this is the beat that partially consumed a hiker there. Robin said the bear will be tested and if it was the bear that killed the hiker then it will be euthanized.
Robin read about a gator attack too. Robin said that the gator took a woman's arm and they will probably kill the gator as well. Robin said there are things out there waiting to eat us.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that song Stars that Hum did was covered by another band called Evergreen Terrace and it's really good. Fred wasn't able to find it. The caller suggested YouTube. Fred asked if he should go to Amazon and buy it. Howard told him to just try to find it. He said the caller was trying to be helpful. Fred found the song and played it for Howard. Howard said it's pretty good but he still likes the original better. He listened a little longer and liked it. Then it turned sour for Robin and Howard. Howard said Fred can kill it. He was with it for a minute there. Howard said some of it is good. Howard let the caller go after that. Howard did more of his Cosby's driver impression too. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he knows today is meeting day but they have to keep it brief. He said he'd like to have mercy today. Howard did more of his Cosby's driver impression with the disguised voice thing. Howard said he thought he'd be sick of it by now but he's not. Howard did that for a couple more minutes.
Robin read a story about Ben Affleck and how people are looking for evidence of an affair. Robin said he's being accused of having an affair with the nanny. Robin said he denied it but now there are articles in the paper every day about it. Howard did more Cosby's Driver impression and had him talking about all of the nannies that Cosby fucked. Robin said they have pictures in the paper of the new Nanny and she's very attractive too. Howard wondered what woman would hire a hot nanny. Howard said Jennifer Garner must think she's hot enough that Ben wouldn't look at the Nanny. Howard said it doesn't work that way. Robin said they are saying that Ben allegedly has her living at the Beverly Hills hotel. Howard said he used to go there all the time but now he can't because the guy who owns it has it under Sharia Law. Howard said he loved that hotel. Howard said some celebrities still go there. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he hopes he fits into his America's Got Talent outfit tonight. He said he got this gorgeous John Varvatos suit. Howard said it's on a mannequin and it looks great on that thing. Then he puts it on and it doesn't work on him. Howard said he's got neck pain and all of this stuff going on. Robin said it's probably all from stress.
Robin read a story about tonight's meteor shower. It should be the best of the year. Howard said just his luck he'll go out and get hit by a meteor. Robin read about how it's going to be seen through Friday. Robin said it should be best before sunrise on Thursday. Robin said you don't need any equipment to see it.
Robin read about Ted Cruz talking about having people's passports voided if they go over to train with Al Queda. Howard said he thinks that's a great idea. Robin said a man pleaded guilty to trying to help people out in Syria and saying that he was going to help kill American forces if he had to. Robin said he was let back into the country though.
Robin wondered if Jimmy Kimmel will cry over this story she's reading about saving endangered animals by live hunts. Howard said he read that. Howard said they're saying that people who feel bad about the lion are hypocrites because they eat meat and aren't really into it. Howard said he thinks people are genuinely upset by it. Howard said the guy lured the lion out of a protected area to kill it for sport. Howard said Jimmy is in touch with his emotions. Robin said they say that they can make $25,000 to $75,000 per hunt. Robin said what they do is put the animal on a protected farm to let the hunters hunt. Robin said that's the money they need to protect the other animals.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump and how they have a sandwich named after him in a diner. Robin said it's full of baloney.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has a different take on Trump. He said he thinks that he could be president but Trump has taken a page out of Howard's play book. Howard said he thinks this is all happening and he doesn't think anyone expected it. Even Trump didn't expect it. Howard said he doesn't think there was any master plan there. Howard said he was going to run but he didn't expect this. Howard said controversy doesn't play well in politics. Howard said he doesn't think Trump expected all of this attention. Howard said he thinks that you stick to your game plan and that's all you can do. Robin said Rand Paul is ripping into Trump. Robin had some audio of him talking about Trump. Howard said that guy is scary looking. He said he looks angry all the time. Robin said that Trump has a spokesman and he has said that Trump's problems with FOX News are over and they're going to be treating Trump fairly from now on.
Robin asked if CNN is kicking itself over not being first in this. Howard said of course. He said the reason people were watching FOX News is because of Trump.
Robin said that Hillary Clinton is talking about the GOP and their stance on abortion. Robin had some audio of Hillary talking about that. Howard said that's how she's going to win. Howard said for people with rational thought they don't want abortion to leave this country. Howard said that they don't want to see the gay marriage thing overturned either. Howard said that they have a cracked out agenda. Robin had some audio of Hillary talking about what she thinks about Trump and some of the other candidates.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has spoken to Jimmy since the lion thing. Howard said he was out in L.A. and went to diner with Jimmy. Howard said he's a great guy and he would never say a bad thing about him. He joked that they ate lion stew that night. Howard said he actually commended him for being in touch with his emotional side. The caller said you never know when that's going to hit. Howard said Jimmy cried when John Ritter died too. Howard said Jimmy is a good dude. He said he loves Jimmy and he loves his wife. Robin said he has to get a grip on the crying. Howard said he's a good guy. Robin said he is but he has to be professional.
Robin read a story about their governor's celebrity chef girlfriend going through another surgery. Robin said her name is Sandra Lee. Robin said that she said on Monday that they decided on Tuesday that it should be the day. Robin said she says she did her best to avoid everything but it's not working. Robin said she's saying that she has to complete this unexpected phase of her journey. Howard said Robin must understand that. Robin said she understands completely. She said she understands the struggle she's going through.
Howard said the show is almost over because he's thinking about his lunch. He said he will eat dinner at 4 and then he has to get over to America's Got Talent. He said he has to be there at 5 for hair and makeup. Howard said he only does 5 minutes of work into his hair and it looked it this season. Howard said he has to get back to doing what he used to. Howard said he can't stand that he has to spend so much time on it. Howard said he was going to slick it back like his grandfather did but his wife didn't let him. He said she put the axe to that idea. He said it shows too much of his face. Robin said she wouldn't object to that.
Robin read a story about Coca Cola talking about how weight depends more on exercise than diet. Howard laughed. Howard said that agenda isn't too obvious. Howard said if he owned that company he'd have a problem with it feeding that shit to the country. Howard said he'd be making so much money that he'd just lay low. Howard said he wouldn't come out and draw attention to the company.
Robin read a story about how a diet high in fried foods and sugary drinks leads to an increase in heart attacks. Howard said that sounds like a day in Jason or JD's life. Robin read some more details about that.
Howard asked JD if he could get through a diet without fried food. JD said he doesn't always eat fried food. Howard said fried and food covered in heavy sauce. He said his Chinese food is covered in that shit. Howard and Fred did their impressions of JD for a short time. Howard said JD eats a lot of Mac and Cheese and stuffing. JD said he likes that stuff but he doesn't eat it every day. Howard said he eats a lot of it. Howard said he has the office next to him so he sees it. JD said he's been eating sandwiches every day. Howard said his Chinese food is swimming in sauce. JD said he hasn't had that in a long time. Howard said JD has to carb up for his walk home.
Robin read a story about cancer patients who have better results if they have faith. Robin said they also say that it matters which type of god you believe in. Robin said that it's better to think that you have a loving god than one that's punishing you.
Robin read that September 1st is world prayer day. Robin said that's what the Pope is saying it is. Howard asked if that's today. Robin said it's not. It's the 11th of August.
Robin read that Amal Clooney is in the running to be the head of The Apprentice TV show. Howard said she'd be great. Howard said she's hot and she should do it. Howard said he has spent time with her and he's so impressed. Howard said she's hot and very smart.
Robin said Melissa Gilbert is running for congress. She said she just announced that today.
Robin said Donald Sterling is going after the woman who lost him his NBA team. Robin said he's going to sue V Stviano. Robin said he's going after TMZ as well.
Robin read that Rhonda Rousey is going after Floyd Mayweather. Robin said she thinks she could destroy him. Robin said that she thinks she could destroy anyone. Howard said she's so good that she can kick your ass. He said she has all of the right components. Howard said he agrees that she'd be on top of she fought him.
Howard did more of his Bill Cosby's driver impression before ending the show around 11:15am.
Jon interrupted and played a ''What You Need to know'' about today's show. After that Jon said that Will was in everyone's face today. Matt said that he and Michael got their league on the air. Jon said that they have had other celebrities in there but they're right. He said maybe Will feels threatened in some way. Michael said that he is threatened. He said Jon knows the temperament of these animals. He asked if he is threatened. Jon said he might call it annoyed and not threatened.
Jon asked Rahsaan what they had for the poll today. Rahsaan said they're asking ''Should Michael Rapaport Be Allowed to Bring his 13 year old to the draft?'' and the choices were:
Jon said that Matt has an issue. Matt said he isn't scared of Michael's child or whoever he wants to help. He said the point was that he wants to call him a D-bag to his face and not have his kid around. He said he doesn't want 9 other people telling him what a tool he is. Michael said his kid has heard it all. He said they are prepared. He said they know that Lisa Ann has done adult film work and that Gary has bad breath. He said they can talk all the shit they want right to his face. He said his kid and his friend want nothing more than blood in the streets.
Gary asked if Michael's kid knows all of the stuff they talked about toady. Michael said he does. He said when it comes to all of that public domain shit it's all out there. He said he gets why Matt doesn't want to do some things.
Michael said these guys haven't offered any kind of gift bag today. He said that's fucking bullshit. He said he wants some of the shirts that Gary is wearing. Gary said that he can go to the web site and order them. Gary said he did get a gift bag. Michael said that the Howard Stern Show gift bag is different than the Wrap Up Show bag. He said that the Wrap Up Show bag is bullshit. He also said that it's not cool that they haven't been able to find a sponsor for the league. Gary said it's not all up to him. He said it's more to it than giving them money.
Matt said he's interested to hear what Jason Kaplan is doing. He said that Michael is going to have his son on Facetime. Matt said they had a rules meeting and everyone agreed that they can draft in the room but not in any other way. Matt said it will be interesting to see if Jason sticks to that rule. Gary said Michael has put them in a position to disappoint his son. Michael said they're going to tear apart a bond between them. He said they don't even care. Michael said they'd rather split that. Gary said his older son is knowledgeable about this stuff so he'd like to know if he can bring him. Michael said he should. Gary said that's not what the league is. Michael said his son and his friend are part of this now and they want to be part of this.
Matt said half the leagues have kids. He said he plays in a league with his son. He said he gets it. Matt said they all talked about it and it has to be everyone in the room to draft. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Jon asked why Mary is making special food for Michael and not everyone else. Gary said it's sort of like Sal coming there for the first time. He said that Mary thinks that Michael is a funny guy. She liked him. Gary said that she's going to cook for him if he comes over again. Michael said he wants her cooking 2 days before. He said he wants that special treatment. Michael said he didn't get the tour of Gary's house. He said he got one from Gary and it was like 20 minutes. He said halfway through he went to take a piss. He said that Gary continued the tour when he came back.
Matt said that Michael is a huge personality. He said that's why they like him. He said he likes him outside the fantasy football thing. Matt said when he talked to Gary about bringing Michael in he was fine with it. He said he didn't want the whole segment to be about that whole thing. Gary said Matt's quote was that it was going to be an ass rape. He knew that was coming.
Michael said that Matt is the face of fantasy football. He said that he wants to take him down because of that. Gary said Michael said he was going to win the league, come and get me. Gary said if he's dead last then what's the explanation. Michael said that's a loser's mentality. He said he'll kick his kid right out of the league if he has to. He said when he plays Gary he's going to fly himself in and he'll be naked in his house running around. Gary said head to head match ups are insignificant. He said it doesn't make a difference. Gary said if he wins the league he wins the league. Jon said that head to head really doesn't matter.
Matt said he knows everyone wants to beat him. He said that winning a head to head doesn't matter. He said anything can happen. Michael asked out of all of the people he's competing against, who does he want to take down as much as him. Matt said there are others he wants to take down as much as Michael. He said he's in other leagues and they are pretty intense. Michael said he'd like to be in those leagues.
Michael said that Matt is going to be his guy based on what he does. He said Will is going to get it too. He said he's going to call in the next day whether he gets it or not.
Gary said Howard wonders why they give a shit about this. He said it's hard to explain to someone who doesn't play. He said Michael's emergency podcast made it worth the win. Michael said he recorded a pre-season podcast last week and even he thinks he sounds nuts. He said someone sent him an email and he had to vent over that. Jon said he's been on this since June. Michael said he didn't know that JD's real name was Jamie. He asked what rock he crawled out from underneath. Jon said they'll answer that after a break. They went to break after that.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he is a fan of Michael's too. He said he'll be done by week 3. He said that he'd face fuck him so hard if he was in his league. He said he'd never want to play again if he played in his league. Michael asked where he's from. The guy said Philadelphia. Michael said he would never go to that shit box.
Gary asked why guys go for super gay shit when they are threatening other guys. Michael said he's never talked that way. He said Howard has instigated him into saying some of that.
Jon said that Howard picked the draft pick order and Michael is last. Michael said he's fine with that. Matt said the first round is pretty even. He said that Michael should get two good players. Michael said that he and his son made a sheet with 250 players on it. He said that they'd be impressed with it. He said he could sell it online if he wanted to. Michael said he will override some decisions and he will win.
Matt said that Jason will be commissioner and he's going to have a lot to do. Gary said he's going to be a good one. He said he can handle it. Matt said it's a thankless job. He said it's terrible too.
Matt said what he's going to enjoy is watching Jason squirm. He said he's going to break the rules or stick to them and either Michael is going to be up in arms or the rest of the league will be. Michael said that they had a 9 to 1 rule that they have to draft in person. Gary said he zoned about 45 minutes into that meeting. Michael said he wanted to end it all during that meeting. Jon said the rules are only as strong as the enforcement.
Michael said the broadcast is going to be fantastic. He said that everyone will be there picking for him. He said it's tomorrow at 1 o'clock. He said he wants fresh sandwiches there. Gary said he should bring his own then. Michael said that this is the Howard Stern Show and they should have food there. Gary said he doesn't care what he has for lunch.
Jon said that Howard loves the passion but he thinks they're all out of their mind. Gary said they look at Howard watching The Bachelor the way he looks at them and fantasy football.
Jon asked Rahsaan how the poll went. Rahsaan said that 43 percent said Michael should not have help. 31 percent said they sound like 13 year olds. He said 26 percent said he should have help.
The guys spent a little more time on that and then ended the show. They were done around Noon.
Jon said he wants to get into a bunch of stuff today. He said he wants to talk to Jon Leiberman and of course Kristian about Game of Thrones. He played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's show. After that Jon said if you listen to all of those segments it really patterns Howard. He said they talked about the hobbies and the chemical smell in the studio. Gary said that most people can get past that but Howard makes it stressful on them in the office. Gary said even during the commercials there's nothing else going on.
Jon asked Rahsaan what the poll is about today. Rahsaan said that they're asking ''Who should Jon Leiberman do the next Embedded Special with?'' and the choices were:
Jon said that's a lot to think about. Gary said his gut told him to go with Tan Mom. Jon said you can't go wrong with any of them. Jon said he's not supposed to say who his pick is because Jon Leiberman says that it may sway the vote. Gary said he thinks Tan Mom would be oblivious and she wouldn't try to act any differently.
Jon asked Kristian if people stay in character on Game of Thrones. Kristian said it depends on the character. He said he's itching to say other words himself. Jon said he has to say Hodor in 8000 different ways. He said sometimes it's very easy. Gary said he must get a lot of people calling him by Hodor. Gary said he gets that with Baba Booey. Jon asked if that bothers him. Kristian said it depends on his mood. He said sometimes he's just like ''Really?'' when he gets it. Gary said they know what that's like too. Jon said Gary gets that sometimes too. Gary said he's mostly embraced it. He said one time he was in a supermarket and he was the only one in there and someone got on the intercom and said ''Baba Booey'' and kept doing it. Gary said he felt like he was being poked. Kristian said he gets that too. He said he would have people follow him and yell out ''Hodor! Hodor!'' and run off. Jon said that he's a very large man so maybe they don't want to stick around after doing that. Jon said it means people love his character. Kristian said it's not all bad.
Jon said that Kristian is an established DJ like Gary's son Lucas. Gary said Kristian is playing a big venue there. Jon said they'll get into that more after a break. They went to break after that.
Jon said that Jon Leiberman is also there. Jon said he did a great job with Sour Shoes. He said Jon also got engaged. Jon said that he and Gary talked a lot about his proposal. Jon explained what Jon Leiberman did to ask his girlfriend to marry him. He said Jon Leiberman revealed that she hates puzzles but he gave her a puzzle to figure out what he was asking. Gary said he's not sure why he'd ask her to do something she doesn't like.
Jon Leiberman said that the puzzle was part of this elaborate thing. He said he didn't know that she hated puzzles. Gary said maybe he's not ready to get married them. Jon said he found out during the course of her putting together the puzzle that she doesn't like doing them. Jon asked if he was worried about getting a yes. Jon Leiberman said he did think about just giving up on the puzzle and give her the box of the puzzle. Jon asked how long it took to do the puzzle. Jon Leiberman said it was a 30 piece puzzle. Rahsaan laughed. Kristian was laughing too. Jon Leiberman said the pieces looked alike so it wasn't that easy.
Jon asked if this was a preface to showing how confusing he is as a person. Jon Leiberman said that she knows. Gary said this is because these days you have to do something special and guys are pressured to do this kind of thing. Jon asked if Jon Leiberman felt pressured. Jon Leiberman said she's not in her 20s and he felt that the stakes were higher. Gary said it has to be better than the first time for Jon Leiberman because the first time didn't work. Jon Leiberman said it is her first time. He said this moment is special. He said it's particularly special for her since it's her first time.
Jon asked what else he was doing. Jon Leiberman said he had the glamping trip and the puzzle. He said she likes to have control of everything so it was all surprising to her. Jon Leiberman said that she said that she'd love to go glamping early on. Gary said he's not giving into that word. He asked if they have to keep using that word.
Jon Leiberman said he has some breaking news. He said he got a long note from a family friend who said his parents were brought to tears over the Embedded show. He said they thought that it showed the real Michael and not just who they hear on the show. Jon said he also heard he has hired a manager. Jon said that he has learned something from that and has hired a manager. Jon said Sour Shoes is one of the most talented people on the show. He said everyone asks why he doesn't do more. Gary said that they have tried to corral him but it's tough. Gary asked Jon Leiberman if he bonds with those people. Jon Leiberman said that he does try to forget that he's from the Stern Show. He said that he interviews him like any other person. Jon Leiberman said he really likes the parents too. Jon Leiberman said that you can snap him out of whatever mode he's in by saying ''Michael!'' and he'll speak like a regular person.
Jon took a call from a guy who said what impressed him on Monday was Sour Shoes making reference to the Canadian Prime Minister in 1985 when he was in there. He said the guy's intellect is brilliant. He said that he knows more about Canadian history than Hanzi does and Hanzi is Canadian. Jon said he's right. He said he has recall that's incredible. He pulls stuff from the 80s like it was yesterday. Gary said he pulls stuff from the 70s too. He said that he'll also pull out a current event from those times and he's right. He said it seems like he can grab from a specific day. They went to break after that.
Jon said when Janks came out it was positive for him. Gary said he's known Janks for years. He said he had no inkling that he was gay. He said he had no indication at all. He said maybe Janks didn't even know it. Gary said it's a different day and age now so it's no big deal. Gary said maybe when someone does come out they think it's going to be bigger than it is. Jon said it opened up a new side of Janks when he came out. Jon said it was a different time when Gary's brother came out. Gary said that the people that Kristian called the ''odd negative people'' are just assholes. Jon said Janks said he hadn't had sex yet when he was on the show and came out. He said he's not sure if he has yet.
Jon said that Janks talks about having sex all the time now on his Facebook page. Jon said when High Pitch Mike came out he was off and running. Jon said it's being the person you want to be. Kristian said that everything is amplified when you do that later on.
Jon said that Howard was talking about Caitlyn Jenner this week and how she still has a manly voice. Gary said she's still transitioning. Gary said he has a site he goes to so he can find out who their publicists are. He said Bruce and Caitlyn have different people listed. He said he thinks that if he called and tried to clear footage of Bruce then you call one person and another person for Caitlyn.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Janks could be faking it. Gary said that was over a year ago. He said that he doesn't think that he's punking them. Jon Leiberman said he doesn't think that Janks is doing that. He said this is a personal thing. Jon said that Janks did say he wasn't going to prank anymore but he got back into that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's been listening to Howard since the late 80s. He said he liked seeing Kristian on Game of Thrones and he's wondering if he's going to be on the show anymore. Kristian said he can't say too much. He said that it would be odd if they left off where they did on that story line. He said use your imagination. Jon said he's sure they don't want them to talk too much about it. Jon said it's so hard to do these days. He said he can only imagine what it would be like. Kristian said that every person he saw at Kansas Comic-Con was asking questions. Jon asked how many people were at that Con. Kristian said there were like 10-15,000 people there. He said it was pretty busy.
Jon and Gary were talking about George RR Martin and how he's a big Jets fan. That led to Jon giving some inside information that even Kristian didn't know. Kristian said he hasn't even read the books.
Jon asked Rahsaan for the results of the poll. Rahsaan said that there was a three way tie for last place with Tan Mom, Jeff the Vomit Guy and Ass Napkin Ed. Coming in second was Jeff the Drunk with 19 percent and Angry Alice won with 27 percent of the votes.
Jon got in some plugs and ended the show a short time later. They were done around 11:45am.
Jon played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's show. After that Jon started off with Sour Shoes. Jon said Sour Shoes is unbelievably talented on the musical side. He asked Elaine if she can appreciate how talented he is. She said he is incredible with his impressions. She said she's gotten lost with them at times. Jon said that he thinks that Jon Leiberman hits it off with these guys and he can get the most information from people like Sour. Gary said a lot of people think they'd like to hangout with him but it's never ending with him. He said Jon Leiberman is one of those guys who can stick it out.
Gary said Sour was there the other morning and he was there around 7:30 and he was scheduled for 9. He said he had a good hour and a half jumping around on a trampoline and playing music. He said he's shot out of a canon. Jon said he's going constantly. Elaine said that Jennifer Love Hewitt is a friend of her's and she knows that Sour is a big fan. She said he has no shot at her though. Gary said Sour is stuck in a year that he can't escape and it's from those days. Jon said that Jillian Barberie was also on Sour's list. He said he knows that people have him come and entertain guests. He said that he doesn't think you'd have a chance to breathe around him though. He said it won't be boring if he's there. Gary said if you invite him to a party that's all that's going to happen at the party. Elaine said it'll be dinner theater.
Jon took a call from a guy who said JD talked about being a script doctor. He said he'd like to see him succeed. He asked if he's seen him doing any of that. Gary said he believes that he's not doing anything. Gary said he feels for JD because they did the draft and he took a lot of hits in that. Gary said script doctor sounds like he's too lazy to write a full script. Jon said with JD he hasn't written anything and he hasn't doctored anything. Jon said JD has worked on It's Always Sunny but he hasn't done anything since then. Gary said he was a guest director. Elaine asked how it worked out. Jon said it worked out well and everyone liked working with him. Elaine said that you have to keep working and maybe he needs to be pushed out of the nest a little. Gary said he's pushing 40 now. Jon asked what they should do to push him. Elaine said he should stop dreaming about it. Gary said he thinks JD is thinking he'll push for it when the show is done. Jon said that some people think opportunities are going to drop into your lap and that doesn't always happen. Gary said he doesn't have the time to do it either. He said that he may not have the same thing going for him if the show ends. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they think if Sour sat in on the show could he ever be normal. Gary said no. He said that Sour was born that way and you're not going to change him. Jon said you don't want to change him. He said that's like trying to change Sal. He said you don't want Sal to be normal. Jon said that Sal has found his spot on the show doing the prank calls and other things.
Jon said Howard is also a coffee drinker now. He said that he's already feeling strongly about what he wants and when he wants it. He said he and Gary don't drink coffee but this has brought a whole new wrinkle to the show. Jon said Steve Brandano knows that you can't be shaking when you bring it to him. Gary said that Howard wants hot coffee and he doesn't want it microwaved. He said there's a lot going on there.
Jon asked how the coffee thing will last. Gary said he thinks it's a passing phase. He said he's doing it now because he likes it but he thinks that will pass. He said Fred tried to explain that they can have a coffee machine that can make a single serving and Howard didn't want to know anything about it. Gary said Fred sent him an email about the machine and he thinks it would be perfect. He said Howard zones out when you try to explain it to him. Elaine said she's not into it and she doesn't get what it is that's attractive about it. Gary said Howard is doing it to get more energy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he appreciates all of the guys there. Gary said he's been talking about the Booey Fest they're doing soon for the 25th anniversary of Baba Booey. Gary said it's always fun to live through that stuff again. He was being sarcastic. Jon said Gary is such a good sport about that stuff. Gary said he's immune to it after going through it so much. Gary said that he saw a pitch the other day and the guy threw it 20 feet over the catcher's head and still wasn't as bad as his own first pitch. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Gary if he would ever ask Howard to make a speech. Gary said he didn't ask Howard to write his foreword to his book and he even took shit for that. Gary said Howard sometimes gets asked to do stuff like the Letterman thing and it's a big chore for him. He said if they didn't ask him then how angry would he be? He said you can't win. Jon said there was a time when Howard was at a table by himself at some event and no one sat with him. He said that people were thinking if they did sit with him that he'd be pissed about that.
Gary said he and Stuttering John had a barbecue and they figured Howard wouldn't want to be there. He said they didn't invite him but one time they did and he pissed and moaned about that. He said there really is no winning.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he always wondered why Howard hasn't had a vasectomy and if Jon and Gary have had one. Gary said he doesn't think Howard has had one. He said he hasn't had one himself. He said he did discuss it at one point. Gary said a couple of things slowed him down on that. Gary said you can hear stories that can scare you. He said he heard a story about a guy who had a ball the size of a grapefruit and he didn't want that. Gary said wonders about stuff coming out and he wasn't up for it anyway. Jon said he thinks stuff comes out but it's not potent enough. Jon said he hasn't had a vasectomy. He said he won't get surgery that he doesn't need. Gary asked if he would get a hair transplant if he went bald. Jon said no way. He said he's just not going to do that. Elaine said he'd look good bald. Jon said that's also a big difference between his hair and his balls. They spent a little more time talking about the vasectomy thing. Elaine pointed out that there have been people who get vasectomy and they end up getting pregnant. Jon said that would piss him off.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he had a vasectomy and he shoots bigger loads than before. He said he has shot a giant load on his computer screen once.
Jon got in a plug for today's Sternthology and some plugs for Elaine before he ended the show. They were done around 11:50am.
Gary said there's a controversy going on that he loves in their fantasy football draft. He said Lisa Ann isn't very fond of Rapaport. He said they had a projection for the season and Rapaport came in third and that sent him into a rant about how he was going to ass rape them.
Jon played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's show. After that Jon asked Rahsaan what he had for a poll today. Rahsaan said they're asking ''Who Do You Want to See Finish Last in the Stern Show Fantasy Football League?'' and the choices were:
Jon asked Gary who he thinks is going to win this. Gary said he thinks it's a runaway for Ben Barto. Jon asked Robert what he thinks about who will finish last. Robert said he thinks that Rapaport is going in a shticky territory. He said that Scott the Engineer might be the one who comes in last. Gary said it would be great to see JD carrying a sandwich board around. He said you know he won't enjoy that. Jon said it would be the indignity of finishing last too. He said that he's finished last a few years in their league.
Gary said they all sat at a table to do their picks except for JD who was in a corner and it didn't look like fun for him. Jon said he had fun but he understands why JD is acting the way he does. He said JD puts a lot of effort into it and he just didn't want to be in between the people he was between. Gary said he was in the corner rocking.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he'd like to see Jon or someone to come in dead last. He said that he'd like to see an advice show from JD and Rapaport about the fantasy football thing. He also asked about who Scott picked so he can avoid them. Jon said he's not very happy with one of Scott's selections because he's a Steelers fan. Gary said he imagines JD and Rapaport having a show and how it would be like Black on Black where they had one bashing the shit out of the other.
Jon asked Robert if he thinks that Rapaport is distracting or entertaining or what. Robert said he enjoys it. He said he's all of the above. He said he gets a chuckle when Rapaport calls Matthew ''Matt'' because Matthew doesn't like that. He said it irks Matthew and he has a chuckle over that.
Jon said Rapaport will find something like that and go at you over and over and over. Gary said Michael sent out a picture of him holding the trophy next to a gorilla with a banana so he got back at him by posting a picture of Michael picking his nose with both his thumb and forefinger. He said that's how it's going to be this season. They went to break after that.
Jon said Howard will have Jeff the Drunk argue with a caller for 10 minutes because it's ridiculous. He said that's what Howard seems to love. Robert said Howard isn't a big NFL fan or a fantasy football fan but he loves hearing people yell at each other. He said he thinks Michael is half kidding but he can get under Berry's skin and he'll do that if he knows it can get to you. He said that's just the kind of guy he is.
Gary said there was a fight between Artie and Pittsburgh Pete and Artie got really angry and dug in. He said it was so good.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Jason got Scott to pay up years ago. Jon said he's glad he brought that up. Jon said coming into this draft he thinks everyone has to pay up immediately. He said that Jason will have to chase after that money if they don't put their money in. Jon asked Robert if Jason made a mistake not collecting. Robert said that is a critical error. He said you should pay up front. Robert said it's a critical error.
Jon asked Robert who is the one who bleeds fantasy football the most. Robert said it seems to be JD. He said he's the one who goes off in a corner. He said he's got his head in his hands and he's agonizing about it all. He said that care and passion can be a negative for him though. Jon said he agrees that JD is very passionate. He said he knows what winning last year meant to Gary. Gary said he didn't know how to play when he first started. He said that he went to the finals and almost beat JD in his first year. He said it took him 8 years to get back to the finals. Gary said he's in another league with his neighbors and came in second to last. He said that they were goofing on him but he points out that their league is national and he plays against Matthew Berry.
Jon said that Will knows his stuff and he has no titles. He said you know it has to get under their skin when they don't win. He said Matthew doesn't have any titles either. They spent a little more time talking about the league. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who Mike Rapaport isn't there he'd like to take a cheap shot at his acting career. He mentioned that he played Dick Ritchie in True Romance and in every role since then he's the same character. He said he's a dick on the show and he wonders how much of a dick he is off the air. Jon said he thinks he's a talented actor. He said that all you should judge him by is what you see on the screen. Gary said when Michael goes home and he's around his kids he wonders if the turns it off. Jon said he doesn't think so. He said he thinks he goes and goes and then he's sleeping. Robert agreed. He said maybe he turns it down from 11 to 8. He said he thinks he's pretty much the way he is. Robert said they're right. He said you don't stay in the business unless you're good.
Jon asked if Matthew had a good case for asking to have 5 minutes alone with Howard. Robert said he thinks he was very smart for asking that. He said once Michael is in there it's a free for all.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he heard Robin say she watched some porn this week and he wonders if she'll keep watching. Gary said he's not sure where Robin is at mentally or physically. He said he was happy to hear that she was doing that because it must mean things are going well. Jon said he respects her going in and getting back on the horse.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how a porn star got into their league. Jon asked Gary how it happened. Gary said that she's a former porn star. He said she's very knowledgeable about football. He said they found out that she knows a lot about sports. He wasn't sure whose spot she filled. They figured it might have been David Haight. Gary asked who took Steve's spot last year. Jon said Michael took Steve's spot and Matthew took Jerry O'Connell's spot.
Jon asked Robert how he thinks Lisa will do. Robert said she does know her stuff. He said she'll do fine. Gary said that she's also friends with the guys on the NFL and she's in the trenches there. Jon said she has sources and they give her that edge.
Jon asked if anyone in their league knows what they're doing. Robert said he thinks so. He said it's a 10 player league and the chances of getting good players is good. He said in a 12 player league it can get to be slim pickins. He said that they should all have good players on their team.
Gary asked if there is anyone who has no clue or isn't as knowledgeable. Robert said he doesn't think so. He said he's just concerned for JD. He said he had some decisions that he was questioning. He said he roots for JD though. He said he hopes he does very well this season.
Jon got in some plugs for Sternthology and for Robert. Jon asked Rahsaan how the poll came out. Rahsaan said that 37 percent voted for Michael Rapaport. Scott came in second with 15 and JD in third with 12 percent. They ended the show around 11:45am.