For the week of 05/09/2005 to 05/13/2005

• Howard's Limo On eBay.com. 05/09/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Wanda Sykes ''Crank Yankers'' prank phone call, Spin Doctors performing ''Little Miss Can't be Wrong'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the week trying to figure out what the date was. He then took a call from a guy who claimed to have gone to a screening of the new Batman movie. Howard wondered how that happens and they don't get an offer to go. The caller said a friend of his works for Warner Brothers and got in on the screening. The caller said that the movie is pretty dark and moody. He said that they have Scarecrow as one of the villains and Howard should have played the part. At one point Artie thought that the guy said that Scott Baio was in the movie but he was wrong. That led to Howard goofing around talking about how he'd love to see ''Chachie'' as Bruce Wayne in a movie like that. Howard was also complaining that he wasn't offered a chance to play Scarecrow. He seems to think he would have been great in that part.

  Howard asked Robin if she ever buys stuff on www.ebay.com. Robin said she does that once in a while but Howard never does. Neither does Artie. Artie said he did have a guy come up him over the weekend and sign something of Jackie's ''To Future eBayer...'' Howard said that Ronnie is trying to sell his limo on eBay. Robin told Howard that there's a guy out there who drew the Runaway Bride's face on a piece of toast and the bids are up to about $12,000 already. Howard couldn't believe that it was a legitimate bid but Robin seemed to think it had to be a legitimate bid. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that his limo didn't get a lot of hits when it was up on eBay so they're going to put it back up this week. Ronnie was sounding all mellow to Howard so he asked him if there was something wrong with him. Ronnie said there's nothing wrong. Ronnie told Howard that he has to go to earthlink.com or something to get to eBay. Robin told him he was nuts and all he had to do was go to www.ebay.com to find it. He had given Howard a piece of paper with the item number so Howard read it off so people could find it. The item number is 4547325549 (www.ebay.com).

  Howard took a call from a guy who said that the piece of toast Robin was talking about was up to $15,000 but the guy backed out of the deal so now they're apparently suing the guy who bit that amount. Howard ended up getting pissed off at Ronnie because they used his name in the ad for the limo. Robin thought that she'd found the limo on eBay but she was trying to do a regular search for the limo and it wasn't coming up. She was telling Ronnie that the reason it wasn't getting any hits was because they didn't have it listed right. Howard took a couple of phone calls after that. A couple of guys were telling Howard that he was a dope for not knowing how to use ebay. Howard said he just doesn't use it, it's not like he doesn't know how to get on the site. A woman called in and asked what's wrong with Ronnie. He'd said something about Ronnie using the term ''Once in a blue year'' instead of ''Once in a blue moon.'' Ronnie just laughed at her though. He told Howard that this auction company was able to sell some big vehicles recently but they can't seem to sell his limo at all. Howard played a couple of song parodies about Ronnie before moving on.

  A listener called in and asked Howard about last night's ''Contender.'' Howard and the caller thought that the show was great last night. The caller thought that last night's show was the best moment in reality TV series history. Ronnie was still yelling about his limo because the guys in the E! room had brought it up on their computers. Ronnie was also telling Howard that when they go on their tour of the country, they're going to have a new headquarters out there because Scores is opening up a new place out there. He wasn't allowed to say exactly where it was going to be though.

• Movie Appreciation. 05/09/05. 6:20am
  Howard pointed out that Robin saw the new Star Wars movie last week and she loved it. The movie doesn't come out until May 19th though. Howard said he heard some feedback from some other people and they didn't like it. Howard asked her how Natalie Portman was in the movie. Robin thought she was a pretty weak part of the movie even though she's a good actress. Artie said that he read a review of a play she was in where she played Anne Frank and she was so bad that one of the audience members yelled out ''She's in the attic'' when the Nazis came looking for her. Howard said he saw her in this movie ''Closer'' and Natalie was actually very good in it. He talked about that movie and how he and Beth had watched that and ''Welcome to the Dollhouse.'' Howard said that's his favorite movie. Robin said that guy has a new movie out called ''Pallendromes'' but it's really hard to watch. Howard, Artie and Robin talked about how great Dollhouse was and talked about some of their favorite characters and scenes in the movie.

• Double A Loves Beth's FHM Layout. 05/09/05. 6:30am
  Howard mentioned some of the guests he had coming up today including this one guy who is an ultra-marathoner who runs so much he has to order food on his runs. He has to eat while he's on the run so that's how he gets his food. Double A called in after that and said that page 115 in FHM magazine is the best because the picture of Beth shows a nip-slip. Howard didn't think there was a nip slip so he pulled the magazine out and checked it. He didn't see it. Double A said it's definitely there. He said it's on the right side boob when you're looking at the picture. He was also telling Howard that this was her best photo shoot ever. Howard asked him if he pleasured himself to the pictures. Double A said ''Of course!'' That led to Howard talking about how he watched some porn over the weekend and he's kind of upset with Jenna Jameson because she's been making really artsy porn lately and it's not cool. He said he wants to talk to Jenna about that when she comes in next time. He complained about how some of it's a little too graphic and they do too many cuts.

  Double A interrupted Howard and said that Beth is staring at him on page 118 of that magazine. Double A was also asking Howard if he should wear a suit to the FHM party for that issue. Howard told him that he's not coming to that party because he doesn't want to cross that line with him. Howard said he's already crossed that line with Sal and Richard. He said he's also crossed that line with Dan the Song Parody Man because he constantly stares at him when he's in the studio eating his lunch. Howard let Double A go after that. Artie said that guy sure is happy. They said that of course he's happy, he gets to sit around listening to the show and doing nothing all day because his parents apparently hit a lottery for three and a half million or something like that. Howard had to take a break a short time later

• Howard's Mail Bag. 05/09/05. 6:50am
  Howard came back from break and talked to a guy who gave him some advice on finding stuff on www.ebay.com. Howard said he's just not a big user of the service. He spent a minute talking about how it must be tough to sell a limo on there because you have to know exactly what you're looking for. The caller also told Howard that the interview he did with Corey Clark last Friday was great. That led to Howard reading some e-mail. Howard read one e-mail from someone who asked what his back pain doctor's name was. Howard gave Dr. John Sarno a plug for his book ''The Mindbody Prescription : Healing the Body, Healing the Pain.'' Howard was also saying that he went to an event where they honored Dr. Sarno. He was talking about this affliction people get where they aren't able to talk. He couldn't explain it very well so he just gave a plug to the web site where you can get more information about it. That site was www.Aphasia.org.

  Howard read another e-mail from someone who thought Stuttering John was a mess on The Tonight Show recently. He's got a new look and he came off kind of bad on the show. Howard said John is making a ton of money working on that show and didn't seem to care all that much. There were a bunch of e-mails about that Corey Clark interview last week. Some people loved the interview, some hated Clark for talking about who he's banged. There were some people who didn't like him talking about his relationship with Paula Abdul but they were also fascinated by the interview. Howard read through a bunch of the e-mails and it seemed like most people enjoyed the interview. There were a lot of complaints about Ralph calling in during that interview and ruining it. One guy was calling Ralph a woman. There was one guy who said he likes to hear Ralph go off on guys like that.

  Howard read an e-mail from someone about the Jet Li interview. The guy said that it was another great interview and thanked him for that. The writer didn't like Benjy bringing up the human rights stuff during the Jet Li interview. There were a couple of guys who brought that up. Howard read an e-mail from someone asking him to identify the song he played the other day with BB king singing in it. Howard said it was ''Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand Lyrics'' by Primitive Radio Gods. He played it again this morning and said that he could tear up at any moment. He said it gave him goose bumps as soon as it started to play.

  Robin said that the band System of a Down let the F-word slip on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Howard said that the band is good but they're weird. He said the lead singer is just a strange looking dude. He said he watched their performances and liked the second song they performed but not the first one where they let the F-bomb go.

  Howard read an e-mail from a guy who saw the new Star Wars movie and hated it. He said he thinks that it's a good thing that Howard didn't go to see it because it was so bad. He said that Star Jones was there as well.

• The View Gets Away With Sex Talk, Why Can't Howard? 05/09/05. 7:05am
  Howard had some tape from ''The View'' where they talked about some stuff that would get Howard fined in a second. The show is a morning TV show that's available on broadcast TV, it's not a cable show. Star Jones suggested that parents take their young kids out of the room while they had this conversation. They went on to talk about sex in the audio clips Howard was playing but Tom was hitting the delay button while they played so we didn't get to hear what they were talking about. Robin wondered if they'd be able to read that transcript on the air. Gary wasn't sure they were still on the air after playing that tape. Artie said they were probably off the air in 8 cities this morning because of that clip. The delay was hit multiple times during that bit. Howard said he can't wait to make his move to satellite radio.

  Howard had some audio of Bill Maher explaining why he hates Howard Stern. Howard had some audio from ''Dinner for Five'' where Maher explained his hate. John Favereau was talking to Maher about 9/11 and he ended up complaining about how he was treated on Howard's show after 9/11. Maher said that Howard didn't agree with his statement about terrorists being brave and said that they should nuclear bomb one of those muslim countries over there. Howard said that he doesn't understand why Bill hates him for something like that when he should be happy that there is an argument coming from someone. Robin said Bill is upset that Howard's comments weren't considered controversial while his comment about terrorists being brave was controversial. Howard also corrected Bill about his thoughts on bombing muslim countries. Howard said it wasn't ''any muslim country'' it was to bomb one of the Arab countries over there. He also said he does that to be funny, he's not serious when he talks about blowing up the moon or one of the Arab countries.

  Howard got to some more e-mail and read one from someone who hates Sal the Stockbroker and wants him fired from the show. There was one from a guy who explained where the Sweet Emotion ''sucking noise'' came from. Howard talked about the song last week and wondered whose idea it was to put that in the song. The writer claims that he knew where it came from and explained how it was a producer who ripped a piece of paper and played that noise backwards to make the sound in the song. Fred played the song and listened to that part of the song just before they went to break.

• More E-mail And Phone Calls. 05/09/05. 7:30am
  Howard came back from break and talked about how great Guns N Roses was after they played some ''Sweet Child O' Mine.'' The guys talked about how they kind of faded away after the rap got really big. Howard also talked about Tom Petty and how he doesn't really like him but there's one song he likes. He wasn't able to come up with it though.

  Howard had a new bit they put together using clips of Yoda and Taylor Rain. They also took some Chewbacca audio clips and put them in a gay porn scene. He played those and then talked about the Ohio sniper trial that was going on. Howard said this is the guy whose father was saying that the kid was always hearing Howard's voice in his head. They just declared a mistrial so they're going to have to go through a whole new trial. The jury couldn't come to an agreement on a judgement. Howard didn't get what there was to decide there. The guy was obviously guilty from what he could see in the articles he read.

  Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard that he found the best ass in the same FHM magazine that his girl Beth is in. He said that Vida Guerrra has a great ass. Howard said that they don't even show her ass in that picture he was talking about so he figured the guy was a friend of hers or something. Howard said he saw the best ass last week when Richard Christy told him about this Playboy chick. Richard came in and said he couldn't remember her name. Fred remembered her last name and that helped Richard remember that it was Stephanie Flickinger. Richard also told Howard that the chick the caller was talking about is known for having a great ass. Howard apologized for hanging up on the caller after hearing that.

  Howard read an article from a newspaper down in Palm Beach where they talked about his recent visit. They also called Beth his ''fiancee'' even though Howard said he had no idea he was engaged.

  Howard had a new audio clip of Fred the Elephant Boy calling a black soul food restaurant and talking about how he's Korean and wants to be friends with them. Fred explains to the woman who answered that he just wants to get to know his neighbors. She hung up on Fred after he asked her why blacks hate Koreans so much. Fred called back and asked her why black people don't like Koreans. She kept hanging up on Fred even when he was trying to place an order with her. She put a guy on the line who told Fred to go F*** himself and that was it.

  Howard took a call from a guy who was up at Artie's comedy show on Friday night. He said that there was an annoying guy there and Artie threatened to shove a bottle through his retina. Artie said the guy was drunk and he just wouldn't shut up. He said the guy was talking over his punch lines. Artie said the guy ended up getting punched by another fan who was pissed about him interrupting. Artie said he had a good time up there in Boston while he was there. There were a few people who got thrown out because they were fighting according to Artie.

• Ultramarathon Man Dean Karnazes Visits. 05/09/05. 7:45am
  Howard brought in this guy Dean Karnazes who wrote a book about running. He runs ridiculous amounts of miles and once ran 272 miles in 72 hours. Dean said he wrote the book while he was running. Howard doesn't get that and why anyone would want to do that. Dean said he wants to see how far he can push his body. He's got a wife and kids so Robin realized why he likes to run now that she's learned that. Dean explained how he goes to the bathroom while he's running. He can pee while he's running but has to go behind a tree to go doody. Of course the delay was hit while they were talking about that because Howard's station is so paranoid about any doody talk. Howard read some notes about Dean. He went blind one time while running and has even fallen asleep while running. Howard thought all of that stuff was kind of weird.

  Dean told Howard that he has a natural food store that he runs as a job since the running doesn't pay the bills. He talked about how he orders take out food while he's on the run and will eat a whole pizza while he's running. He once had his blisters lanced and filled with super glue so he could finish a race. Howard said he pictures Dean's kids being fat but Dean said they're in good shape. He also told Howard that he's been with his wife, and only his wife, since the age of 14. Howard said a guy who runs that much doesn't sound like a happy man.

  Gary said that Dean will be running today after the show. Dean was thinking that the guys from the studio were going to run with him today but no one was dressed. Howard said he'd run with him... for about a mile. He read some more notes about Dean's crazy stunts. He once rode a mountain bike for 24 hours straight and has run some 100 mile marathons. Dean told the guys that he just had a mid-life crisis one day and decided that he wanted to start running. He ran 30 miles on his 30th birthday. He didn't expect to be psycho analyzed when he came on the show today but that's what was happening. Artie wondered if he'd ever listened to the show before.

  Howard read some more notes about Dean and saw that he goes through 25-30 pair of running sneakers a year. Howard wondered if he's got any endorsement deals or anything. It doesn't sound like he does. Howard was also wondering if he ever thinks about getting any other poon tang. Dean was trying to avoid talking about that and the number of times he has sex with his wife. Dean said he might do it half a dozen times a week or so. He didn't want to get into details because his wife, who is a dentist, had her whole office listening today. Howard gave Dean a plug for his book ''Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner'' and said that he'll be signing copies of it tonight and tomorrow in the city. Howard told him that he actually looks pretty good for a guy who runs so much.

  Robin asked Dean if he ever won any of these races he's been in. Dean said he won a 135 mile run through Death Valley in the middle of summer one time. Robin was also saying that this might not be the best way to use a body. Dean said that the one thing he learned is that the human body can run for 3 days straight and he never would have believed that just a few years ago.

• Howard Thanks Syracuse. 05/09/05. 8:15am
  After the break Howard read an article about the station that dropped him up in Syracuse and how they dropped down to number 14 in the ratings after they dropped his show. They were number 2 up there before they dropped him. Howard said there's a lot of satisfaction in that. He said that they didn't have to drop him and make it so ugly by dropping his show like that. Howard talked about how Farid Suleman could have just kept him on until the end of the year and could have kept their ratings up until then. They chose to drop the show instead. Howard congratulated Farid on his brilliant move. Howard went on to read about some of the other stations that dropped him and how they've dropped down really far. The stations that have put him on the air have gone way up in the ratings. The station down in Orlando went from 17th place to 1st. Others have gone into the top 5 in their local markets after putting Howard on.

• New Racist Songs And More. 05/09/05. 8:20am
  Dan the Song Parody Man went out and found some new racists songs on the web. Howard said they're not even all that clever but he played them anyway. There was one song called ''Alabama Nig***'' that didn't make a lot of sense to anyone. There was another one called ''The Ku Klux Klan to the Candy Man.'' Howard played another couple of songs that came right off the internet. The last song was about welfare checks. Most of the songs were pretty much country-like in their sound. Howard played one that they've played on the show in the past. Robin laughs when they play that one for some reason.

  Howard took a call from Bobo who told Howard about an article he saw in the paper about Joe Piscopo commenting on him. Piscopo said something about how wrong Howard is for having women getting naked on his show at his age. Howard said that if Joe has anything bad to say about him, he should say it to his face. He's been friendly with him for years and he can't understand why he'd say something like that in the paper. Howard said that Joe should be one to talk because he dumped his wife to marry his baby sitter. Joe is a couple of years older than Howard so Howard made sure to point that out as well. Bobo signed off telling Fred that he'd see him at Da Funky Fish on Friday when he makes an appearance there with his band King Norris.

  Howard said he'd like to hear the new Fiona Apple CD because Rolling Stone gave it 3.5 stars. He said that it's the album that her record company refused to release just a couple of months ago. Now they're releasing it and it seems like it was just a publicity stunt.

  Howard replayed a prank call they had Fred the Elephant Boy make to a taffy shop. He said that he had eaten their taffy and that's why his voice was all messed up. He pretended to speak Korean as he was talking to the woman as well. They played Elephant Boy's version of Kid Rock's ''Bawitdaba'' after that.

• Pat O'Brien Audio Clips. 05/09/05. 8:35am
  Howard played some audio clips of Pat O'Brien's first night back on ''The Insider'' last week. He came right out and said that he's an alcoholic when he got on the air. He explained why he was gone for the past 2 months after that. Howard talked about how he doesn't think that alcohol is Pat's problem. He was also talking about that horrible interview he did with Dr. Phil. Howard thinks that the interview should have been more about whether or not Pat was able to make all of those things from his voice mail actually happen. Howard played more of Pat's apology. Pat was talking about how he's never worked on the show drunk and that's the way it's going to stay. It seemed as if he was reading that stuff just like he reads his celebrity reports. Howard and the guys goofed on Pat about all of that for a couple of minutes. Howard wondered if Pat is going to ever have any fun again after going through all of that. Howard said that he hated that Dr. Phil interview because they didn't get into what went on that night that Pat left those voice mail messages.

  Howard had audio of Joe Scarborough reading an apology for the report he did on the phony Arnold Schwarzenegger that appeared on Howard's show. Joe played a clip of himself commenting on Schwarzenegger after reading an article about the phony who was on Howard's show. Joe went on to issue an apology for the comments because they didn't check their facts before airing the story. Joe said that he takes this stuff very seriously and apologized for what he said about Schwarzenegger.

  Howard said they have a psychic coming in a little later and he's already been able to hypnotize Sal and Richard. He said they're good subjects so Howard will be asking Sal what he really expected to happen if he'd stayed at his apartment recently. Sal had asked Howard if he could do that one night that he was staying in the city. Artie said that this is the same psychic who hypnotized Ronnie the Limo Driver not too long ago.

• Man-Boob Problems. 05/09/05. 8:45am
  Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's got man-boobs and people seem to hate him because of it. He said he has to get hookers to sleep with him because they don't care about the man-boobs. He said he has hairy nipples as well. The caller told Howard that he had a boob reduction but the doctor didn't do a very good job because they grew back. Howard said he can't see that happening unless the guy is really fat or something. The guy says he's not that fat but they keep coming back anyway. Howard suggested that he stop eating so much and maybe they'd stop coming back. Dr. Sal Calabro called in and told Howard that it's a simple procedure that takes about 10 minutes to take care of. Sal said that he can go on his web site, SalCalabro.com, and give him a call if he'd like to get checked out. The caller said he'd do that so Howard let him go after that.

  Howard wanted to move on to this psychic they had there so they could find out just how gay Sal the Stockbroker is. Gary came in and said that Brian from E! suggested that they make Sal think that Robin is one of those women in one of those sex booths that Sal has talked about before. Robin didn't want that to happen though. Howard went to break so they could move on to that bit of fun.

• Hypnotist Marshall Sylver Works With Sal And Richard. 05/09/05. 9:00am
  After the break Howard brought in psychic Marshall Sylver (Sylver.com) who has been on the show before. Marshall told Howard that all of his staff seem to be under hypnosis all the time and it makes his job much easier when he comes in. Marshall thinks that the smarter people are, the easier it is to hypnotize them. Howard moved on quickly to bring in Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy who were already hypnotized by Marshall a little earlier. Howard wanted to find out what Sal was thinking when he asked to stay at his apartment a couple of weeks back.

  Marshall put the two of them under and Howard asked Marshall to have Sal talk about what a night with Howard might have been like. Marshall had Sal come out of his relaxed state and talk about what he did with Howard. He said that he and Howard hung out and had a great time. Howard was wearing white sweat pants and a wife beater according to Sal. He had a jacket on but he took it off to be more comfortable. Sal said that Howard's tattoo looked really cool but it needed to be colored in more. He also said that he should get another tattoo using a picture of his dog. Marshall put Sal back under and had him go back in time and react with Howard as if he was in his apartment at that moment. Sal told Howard he was the man and he knew he'd get in there with him. Sal said he thought that he'd eventually get in the apartment even though Howard was creeped out by the whole thing. Howard asked Sal if it was as great as he thought it would be. Sal said he was ready to dump his whole family so he could move in with him. Howard asked Sal if they were on a boat and he had to save him or his wife, who would he save. Sal said that he'd save Howard. He also said that his wife already gave him their kids so her job is done. Sal also said that if he had to save Howard or his kids, he'd take all of them overboard with him and kill them all. Sal was also saying that he would bash the boat captain over the head to make sure no one would survive. Howard asked Sal if he'd take him to one of those sex booths with him. Howard then asked Sal if he'd get naked. Sal said that he wasn't really up for it because he's not looking that good. Marshall tapped him on the head and made all of his inhibitions disappear. Sal said he'd do anything for Howard as long as it wasn't gay. He said he'd do anything for Howard if it was to help him out in any way. Sal said he's no homo but he would help Howard out with some stuff. He even agreed to give him oral at one point. Artie was laughing his ass off as that was going on. Marshall put him under again and Gary pointed out that Sal was rubbing himself during that whole thing.

  The delay was hit a couple of times while the guys were talking about what Sal had just agreed to do. Howard asked Marshall to bring Sal back out of it so they could ask Sal about people on the show while he thinks he's in Howard's apartment. Howard asked Sal if there was anyone he didn't like. Fred's name was the first one to come up. Sal said that he likes Fred but Fred doesn't like him. Sal said that he looks at Fred like a second Howard Stern. Sal said that no one really likes him on the show. He said that Robin only likes him to a certain extent. He said he thinks that Benjy shouldn't be on the show as a writer. Sal thinks that he should be in the studio writing for him instead. Sal had some nice words to say about Gary which came as a surprise. Howard asked Sal when he knew that he was a god. Sal told him he was listening to a show when he was talking to Sam Kinison and remembered how great he felt when he forgot about all of his troubles. Howard then told Sal to put him back in his mouth. Marshall put him back under after that.

  Howard had Marshall bring him back out of it and asked Sal about the E! crew. Sal thinks that Mike Gange hates all of the Stern crew for some reason. He also said that the E! stands for ''excrement.'' He said that the crew wants to be where they are and they just can't. Sal said a few words about each of the guys on the E! crew but seemed to be holding back from bad mouthing them. Howard asked him about Scott the Engineer. Sal said that Scott is useless and he doesn't get that no one cares about his kid's band. Sal said that he loves Dan the Song Parody man but he Aurora Snow and Kiefer Sutherland were never born, he wouldn't have a job. Sal ranked everyone on the show after Howard. Sal said it would be Fred, Artie, Sal, Richard and Richie. He didn't have anything nice to say about Robin.

  Howard took a phone call from a guy who thinks that Sal is spilling the beans on his real feelings today. King of All Blacks called in and said it was a really funny show but they've been bleeping the show quite a bit. Howard told Marshall that he should come over to the new place when they move over there. Howard gave him a plug for his ''Subconscious Seduction System'' that you can find out more about at his web site Sylver.com.

  Howard had Marshall bring Richard Christy out of his sleep so they could have some fun with him. Howard wanted him to be alone in his apartment on a Friday night pleasuring himself to pictures of Crystal Klein. Richard ended up moaning a bit as he faked his orgasm. Howard was supposed to be his subconscious voice. Richard said he was naked, in his socks, with a paper towel under his leg. Howard had him do that for a few seconds and then Marshall put him back under. Howard wanted to ask Richard some questions about the staff so they brought him back out of it. Howard asked him if he'd save his parents lives over his if their ship was going down. Richard said he would give up his own life over his parents and Howard's. Richard said he'd have a hard time making that decision but he eventually said he'd save Howard. Richard said his parents love the water so they might not hate it if they had to go that way. Howard asked Richard who is more talented, him or Sal. Richard said that he's in awe of Sal and he thinks that he's more talented. Richard said that he doesn't feel all that good about himself so he could never say that he's better than anyone else. Richard said that Sal is not better than Fred because he's looked up to Fred for the past 15 years. Howard asked Richard which guy on the staff was the best looking. Richard said it was Will, especially when he was dressed up like a woman. He said he might even pleasure himself to him if he didn't know it was Will. Artie asked Marshall to make him stop because it was getting a little too weird.

  Howard asked Marshall to have Richard come out of it and think that Sal was actually Crystal Klein. Marshall didn't seem too comfortable with that but he did it anyway. He had Sal think that he was Crystal and Richard was seeing her sitting there next to him. Richard said that she was the hottest and asked to touch her. Sal (Crystal) said that Richard looks like he smells and didn't want him to touch him. He said he was uncomfortable and didn't want Richard to touch him. Sal did let him touch him on the knee for about a second. Sal was saying that Richard looked dirty, as if he hadn't washed in days. Marshal snapped his fingers and made Sal become very attracted to Richard but that only lasted about 15 seconds before Howard put a stop to it.

  Marshall brought the two of them out of it a short time later and told them that they will get over all of this no problem. Howard asked them if they remembered what went on. Sal said he kind of knew what went on and he was sorry about what he said about Robin. He apologized to her about that. Sal said he wouldn't give Howard gay sex. Richard seemed to forget about what he'd said about Will's ass earlier. He said he hopes that his working out with Will doesn't stop because of it. Sal went over some of the other stuff he said while he was under hypnosis. Gary said he learned one thing from all of this. That was never to let Marshall put him under hypnosis.

  Howard gave Marshall another plug for his web site, Sylver.com, and the program he has to help guys get women. Sal said that he had a high after doing this because he was so relaxed. Howard said there area lot of guys out there who don't believe this is real but both Sal and Richard felt that it was. Richard is looking forward to working with Marshall on getting more women. Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that the only people who can get hypnotized are people who want to be hypnotized. Howard let him yell about that for a few seconds and then took a commercial break.

• Various Stuff... 05/09/05. 9:55am
  After the break Fred was playing some Led Zeppelin which led to Howard talking about an article he read about Robert Plant and he thinks that Plant is lying about his age. Plant is claiming that he's 56 but Howard thinks that he's got to be older than that.

  Howard said that they're trying to get in touch with Slow Adam. He said if anyone has seen him lately that they should let them know. They want to get him for this Wack Pack conclave they're putting together. He had Robin start her news after that and mentioned that they have a little more than 7 months left on their current contract before they move to satellite. Robin did a couple of stories before Howard took a call from a guy who asked him about gray hair. Howard said he has a couple of gray strands coming in but his pubes are still jet black. He said his grandfather had jet black hair right up until he was 90 years old. He also said that his grandparents all lived right up into their 90s so he thinks that's good news for him.

  High Pitch Eric called in and told Howard that he spoke to Slow Adam's mother not too long ago and she told him that Adam is living in a group home with a bunch of other people. Howard wondered why High Pitch isn't in a group home like Slow Adam is. He seems to think that High Pitch is just as retarded as Adam is. Artie thinks that Eric is able to function though. Gary came in and asked Howard what he thinks Eric tests at. Eric said he'd be willing to take an IQ test. Howard thinks he'll come up under 80 and that would mean he's retarded. Gary said he might come up over 90 but he wasn't so sure about that. Howard asked Eric some questions to get an idea of what he knows. He knew what 3x3 was. He said it was 9 so Howard asked him what 80x3 is. He figured it out but they think he used the computer to figure it out. Howard asked Eric to spell ''Imbecile.'' Eric spelled it ''IMBESOL.''

  Sal the Stockbroker came in with some quick IQ questions but Howard didn't want to keep that going so he hung up on Eric. He took a call from a woman who claims that she's in love with Gary and no one will respond to her e-mails that she's been sending. She said she's 4'11'' tall and has a cute face. She said she looks good in a bikini and her boyfriend gets jealous because she thinks about Gary when she's having sex. Howard eventually told her he didn't care and hung up on her. Another woman said that she can't stand Howard's radio station there in New York after Howard goes off. She complained about Booker who has a show in the afternoon because she thinks he wants to be Howard. Howard took a call from Ralph who loved the hypnotism stuff they did earlier in the show.

  A caller told Howard he ran into Slow Adam out in Pennsylvania recently and asked him why he's not on the show anymore. Adam told him that the woman who runs the group home won't allow him to go on the show anymore because they make fun of him. Howard asked the guy to say hello to Adam for him if he runs into him again. John the Stutterer also called in to let Howard know... it took a while for him to get anything out... That Robert Plant's birthday was August 20th, 1948 so his age really is 56. He was trying to get it out quickly but Fred was making him stutter more and more by imitating him. Howard let him go a short time later and had Robin get back to her news.

• More Or Less Popular Game. 05/09/05. 10:20am
  During the news Robin mentioned a story about the most popular names for kids these days. Howard guessed that his name was probably way down there on the list and wasn't even close to the top. A little later someone gave him a list that showed that his name, Howard, was number 762 on the list of most popular names. Later on Gary came in with the list and played a game with Howard where he had to guess if the names were more or less popular than the name Howard. Here's the list:
  • Phillippe - More popular
  • Demitrius - More popular
  • Maddox - More popular
  • Frederick - Less popular #809
  • Arthur - More popular
  • Nikko - More popular
  • Rigiburto - More popular
  • Deshaun - More popular
  • Earl - Less popular #943
  • Arnold - Less popular
  • Abdula - Less popular
  • Isaac - Less popular
  Gary didn't give the numbers for all of the names, just a few of them. Howard took a break after going through all of that. After the break Robin finished up her news and they ended the show around 10:55am.

• Howard's Daughter Graduates College. 05/10/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Sal the Stockbroker prank call to Gary the Retard who calls an operator trying to get the number for 1-800-FLOWERS, Bon Jovi performing ''It's My Life'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show complaining about being extra tired today. He said he's been dragging his ass lately. Artie said that he's been having problems with Tuesdays because he gets used to his weekend hours and it screws him up for Monday's sleep. Howard said he was at his daughter's college graduation last night and he got pretty emotional. He wasn't sure how it would affect him. She's his first born child and it really hit him. He said the guy who spoke at the graduation is the guy who wrote the movie ''Election'' and ''Sideways.'' Artie thought it might be Alexander Payne or the guy who helped him write it. Howard said this guy's name was Tom something. He said the guy was ''funny as hell'' and it was a pretty big deal. Howard was a little charged up last night when he got home so he watched The Bachelor. Howard said that the guy who was at the graduation was Jim Taylor, he got a note from someone about that. He said he got home around 9 last night because he couldn't stay through the whole thing because he was getting tired. Howard remembered having Julia Child speaking at his graduation. He went on to explain what this guy said at his daughter's graduation did in his speech last night. He said the guy claimed that he didn't have anything written an hour and a half before the graduation took place.

• Sam Simon Calls In. 05/10/05. 6:10am
  Producer Sam Simon called in to tell Howard about going to see a reading of Artie's movie. He said the movie is really wonderful but... Someone was working really hard on the movie. Howard thought he was saying that maybe Artie wasn't working that hard on it while Frank Sebastiano wasn't. Howard was also saying that Sam can't tell a story. Sam tried to defend himself and said that the movie was like a ''Bad News Bears'' meets ''Animal House.'' Howard told Sam he had to get going and let him off the line just a minute after he called in. Artie told Howard that this reading that Sam was talking about was so they can punch up the script a little bit.

• Phone Calls And Funerals. 05/10/05. 6:15am
  Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Howard if he really needed a broadcasting degree to make it in radio. Howard thought it was a good thing that he got it because he did learn a couple of things. He said he did learn what an ''O and O'' (Owned and Operated station) is and he's been able to work that into some conversations over the years. The caller was also asking Howard what his daughter is looking to do now that she's out of school. Howard said that she's looking to get a job. The guy also said that Richard Christy is a fag for what he said about Will's ass yesterday during the hypnotism segment.

  Howard said that they have Playboy Playmate of the Year Tiffany Fallon coming in today. They also have High Pitch Eric coming in to take an IQ test. Robin wondered if he'd know that 1-800-FLOWERS is actually a phone number, unlike Gary the Retard. Howard seems to think that Eric does understand something like that. Howard accidentally hung up on the caller he had on the line. He took another call from a guy who liked the picture of Beth's ass in the latest FHM magazine. That led to Howard playing an audio clip from a news report about Beth's layout. They had a quote from Beth where she says she knows that Howard has helped her career and she's fine with that. She was basically admitting that she's riding his coattails.

  Howard said he went to his assistant Laura's mother's funeral yesterday so it was pretty tough. He said he was talking to Laura's father about some war stories he had from World War II. He said that the guy was showing him a bunch of stuff from his years in the service. The guy was married 59 years and his wife was really good to him. Howard said the two of them were hooked up on a blind date and they stayed together for 59 years. Howard said he hopes that his parents end up going together because just one of them being around would be a burden on him. He said he loves them but he would like the two of them to go at the same time. Artie said that they seem to be so close that if one goes, the other may go within a month. Howard knows that he'd be stuck with taking care of his parents if that day ever comes. He doesn't think his sister would be able to handle that. He said he'd probably have to put them in one of those assisted living homes. He's warned them already that they're going to an old age home when they have to be taken care of. Right now they have all of their marbles so they don't have to worry about it. He pointed out that his Dad has called him a moron so he probably wouldn't want to live with him.

  Howard talked about how tough it was to see Laura showing her grief over her mother's death. He ended up playing Harry Chapin's ''Cat's in the Cradle'' while he was talking about his own father and played some of the old clips of his father yelling at him when he was a little kid. Howard and Robin changed subjects and talked about Renee Zellwegger and how she just married a guy after meeting him 2 weeks before. Howard said that she seems to be mentally ill. A listener called in a short time later and told Howard how his parents brought his grandparents to an old age home and didn't tell them they were going there. Howard wanted the guy to write him a note about how to go about doing something like that. The caller also asked Artie to sing ''Desperado'' for him. He said Artie did that one day and it actually sounded pretty good. Howard had Fred find the CD so Artie could sing along but it took him a little bit of time to find it. Artie eventually got to sing along to the song. Even he didn't think it was going to be all that great. Fred was laughing at one point. Artie was doing okay at first but he seemed to lose it toward the middle of the song.

  Howard took a phone call from a guy who claimed to be a 26 year old virgin. Howard said that's pretty tough. The guy said that he's got some issues and he needs some help. He also told Howard about how hot Beth's layout is in FHM. Howard was going to hang up on the guy but the guy asked him to please help. Robin suggested that they put him on hold and give him a call if they ever want to help the guy out. Howard wasn't sure where to file this guy in their files. He put him on hold and went right to break.

• Various Stuff. 05/10/05. 6:55am
  After the break Fred played some of Joe Walsh's performance from when he was on a few weeks ago. Then Howard was going to play some Crazy Alice but there was a problem with the cart he had cued up. It didn't start from the beginning so he gave up on that. He went on to talk about how he played a clip from ''The View'' yesterday and ended up getting censored by his own station. He was trying to point out how they can get away with saying certain things on their show that he can't get away with on his show. He wondered why ''The View'' can be edgier than he can. They were talking about sex and joking around about it and that's what the FCC has fined Howard over for years. Howard said he can't wait to move to satellite and he knows that the government will follow him over there as well.

  Howard got back to the Crazy Alice voice mail he was trying to play earlier. Alice went off on a bunch of people with as much hate as Daniel Carver would. She was complaining about the blacks, Mexicans and others. She was also upset that the buildings fell in 9/11 but she wasn't so upset about the people who died. Howard wondered what happened to that woman.

  Howard played the ''We Are the Wack Pack'' song parody where they had Wendy the Retard, High Pitch Eric, Daniel Carver, Fred the Elephant Boy, Nicole Bass and Beetlejuice singing to the tune of ''We Are the World.'' Howard also talked about how they're going to have a Wack Pack conclave coming up soon where they will all get together and pick a new leader for the Wack Pack that they'll call their ''Dope.''

• Howard Listens To Gwen Stefani. 05/10/05. 7:10am
  Howard read an e-mail he got about Joe Scarborough. The writer said that Joe was one of the guys demanding that Dan Rather be fired for doing a false report about something the President didn't do but Joe reported on a phony bit that Howard did on his show and he's not going to quit over that. Howard quickly changed subjects and said that he thinks he's in love with Gwen Stefani. He said she's really looking good these days. He was talking about some of her songs and singing them to Artie and Robin. He was singing her ''Hollaback Girl'' song and asked Fred if he had it to play. Robin said she would break Fred's fingers if he played it. Howard said he was listening to that song on satellite radio last night. Howard told Robin that he likes any song where they sing about bananas. He eventually got the song once Scott the Engineer loaded it into his computer. Howard tried to play it but he got an error message and wasn't able to play it. Howard asked the guys to move the file somewhere else but Gary came in and told Howard that the song was still loading when he tried to open it so that's why he got an error message. Howard thought it wouldn't work but it did come up when he played it again. Robin seems to hate the song and didn't care about hearing it. Artie said she sounds like a retarded cheerleader singing that song. Howard thinks that Gwen has to be wild in bed though.

  Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and gave Howard some background on the song that Gwen and Eve did for ''Rich Girl.'' He also told Howard that her whole album is fantastic and he should play some other tracks from the album. Vinnie was saying that she doesn't have anything up top (boobs) but Cabbie called in a minute later and said that he thinks she just got implants in the past month and she doesn't look that good. He said she went from an A-cup to a C-cup and he doesn't like it. Howard said he likes that and doesn't care if they're implants. Both Cabbie and Vinnie said that Gwen is really beautiful. Cabbie told the guys that she has perfect skin and that's even without makeup. Howard said he doesn't care about any of that stuff and he'd like to see her naked in a magazine. They were also talking about Gwen's husband Gavin who used to be in the band Bush. Vinnie was saying that Gwen is into kids now and she's probably going to ruin her body by having a baby.

  Howard asked Cabbie about his upcoming court date but Cabbie doesn't want to talk about that stuff. He talked about the band System of a Down and the concert he went to last night. Cabbie did talk about the upcoming sentencing and how he has some capable hands taking care of him right now. Vinnie kept trying to get some info out of Cabbie but Cabbie didn't want to talk about it and called Vinnie a dick and asked him what he doesn't understand about how he doesn't want to talk about it. Vinnie and Cabbie went back and forth for a couple of minutes arguing and Cabbie wasn't saying much of anything about his upcoming sentencing. He said that if he's still on next week, he'd like people to keep listening to his show.

  Dominic Barbara called in and said that he's handling Cabbie's case and he really can't talk about it. Dominic said they're hoping for the best and the whole thing is almost over so he'll be able to talk about it at a later date. Dominic said the case was a disaster when he took it over and he's trying to make things right. Howard let him go and went to break a short time after he called in.

• Sal Goofs On Robin. 05/10/05. 7:40am
  Howard came back from break and said that Gary tried to book Corey Feldman... but he was distracted by some noise coming from Robin's booth. Robin said that she had a copier making copies in there and that's what the noise was. That led to the guys talking about Robin's glasses and how Sal thought that they were just for TV and she was trying to make a new image for herself. Sal came in and asked Robin if it's true that her show has been bumped until 2006. Robin said that it's true that it's going to be on in 2006 but it wasn't bumped. Sal also said that he heard that no one was bidding on her show so that's why it got bumped. Robin said that's not the case and he was hearing wrong. They got back to her glasses after that and then Sal asked her what's going on with her lemonade diet because she gained a few pounds. Robin said that she hurt her knees earlier in the year and she gained back a few pounds. Sal said that some people tend to dance around when they lose weight but then they stay quiet when they gain a few. Robin said she hurt her knees when she fell down on a slippery floor. She told Sal she hopes he dies after he brought all of that stuff up. Sal said Robin seems to hate him just as much as his wife does. Howard wondered how his wife felt after he got home after saying that he'd save him over his own wife if they were on a boat and he had to make the choice. Sal pretended that he couldn't hear anything but eventually said that it was kind of rough when he got home yesterday.

  Sal said that Benjy was really pissed at him yesterday after the hypnotism thing. Howard put Benjy's microphone up and let him speak for about 10 seconds before shutting him off. He said he doesn't want to hear his voice on the air because he zones out. Benjy ended up calling both Howard and Sal ''asses'' because of the way they were treating him. Ralph called in a minute later and asked Sal what he was doing in there goofing on Robin. He said that Sal shouldn't be in there at all and said that Howard really does have some wacky people working there now. Sal said that Howard hates fat broads more than he does but Howard said he'd never tell a woman that she's fat. Robin said she doesn't have a problem with Sal. They can work their thing out if they have to. Ralph also pointed out that Sal was trying to say that her show had failed already as well.

  Comedian Shuli called in and asked Sal what his wife said to him when he got home yesterday. Sal wasn't saying. He said that someone needs to hypnotize her to make her love him. Shuli thought it was funny when Howard asked him to service him while he was hypnotized and Sal immediately said ''Let's go!'' Dominic Barbara called in and goofed on Sal a bit about the gay stuff as well. Howard let some other callers through to goof on Ralph as well. One guy told him to go lay out Howard's clothes for the next week.

  Howard got back to the Corey Feldman thing he brought up earlier. He said that Corey's publicist called them to book him for the show but when the agreed to have him on, the publicist said that Corey decided not to do the show. Gary said that Corey gets mad at them once in a while and he may not have wanted to talk about the whole Michael Jackson thing. Howard asked Gary if High Pitch Eric was there yet. Gary said he wasn't there so Howard went off on him complaining about how he'll show up there at 5:30 in the morning if he's not invited down but when they want him there, he doesn't show up.

• Sal And Richard's Latest Bit. 05/10/05. 7:55am
  Howard took a call from a woman who complained about Sal and said that he doesn't have any business working for Howard. Howard told her that he had a funny bit that Sal and Richard Christy did. They did a phony interview as Jack and Rod as they interviewed author Michael McGowan who wrote a book called ''Terror Proof Your Mind .'' They had the phony Arnold Schwarzenegger call in during that interview and had him saying all kinds of outrageous things to this guy. ''Arnold'' was blaming many people for terrorism and seemed to have this guy McGowan pretty freaked out by his comments. The guy eventually hung up on ''Rod and Jack'' after Arnold made some comments that were just too much for him to take. After playing the call Ralph let the F-word slip but they caught it with the delay. Howard didn't say why Ralph had let that slip though.

• Killing Time. 05/10/05. 8:10am
  After the break Howard was playing some Jimi Hendrix music and remembering his childhood listening to his music. Howard said he's pretty sure that he would have eventually met Jimi if he'd lived long enough.

  Howard mentioned that they were going to have this Playboy Playmate coming in soon but her bio made it seem like she was kind of boring. He said she's hot looking but there wasn't all that much stuff in her bio to talk to her about. He said she's got the big boobs, ass and ''vagine.'' Howard said it would be great if one of these chicks wrote that they were appearing in the magazine just to get Howard Stern's attention. Robin then brought up Renee Zellweger's new husband and how that guy fell for her after seeing her in ''Jerry Maguire'' and he managed to get her to marry him after just two weeks of dating. Howard said that he'll probably be fine until he finds out that she's not the same girl in ''Jerry Maguire.'' He said that he'll get fed up with her once she starts looking more like Bridget Jones than ''Dorothy'' from ''Jerry Maguire.'' Howard said that he didn't like that movie all that much. Robin loved it. Artie said he got cut out of the movie but he still gets checks once in a while. He said you can kind of see him in the background of some scenes but his lines were all cut out.

  Howard played some audio clips from a report about Robert Blake where Blake was claiming that he has some big fans like Alec Baldwin, Kevin Costner and others. Howard said he loves that guy (Blake) because he's so nutty. Howard also mentioned that there's a tape on the web right now that shows Kelsey Grammer falling off stage at some event he was making a speech at. Howard had the audio from the clip so he played that and said he feels kind of bad for the guy. Howard ended up talking about how he'd like to be invited to make some speeches so he could get paid some big bucks like some of these guys do.

• Playboy Playmate Of The Year Tiffany Fallon05/10/05. 8:25am
  Howard had the guys bring in Playboy Playmate of the Year Tiffany Fallon. He said that she's not even on the cover of the magazine for some reason. They have Bai Ling on the cover instead. Tiffany came in and told Howard that she just turned 31 recently and she's still the Playmate of the Year. Howard was impressed by that because it's usually a 20 year old who becomes Playmate of the Year. Tiffany told Howard about how she used to be a flight attendant. Howard said he never had a hot flight attendant. He's always got a gay dude or someone like that.

  Howard asked Tiffany if she's ever gone up to Hef's bedroom for the sex parties that he has. Tiffany said she's never done that and Hef has always had respect for her. Howard figures it's some kind of foul up and she's not supposed to be the Playmate of the Year if she hasn't been with Hef. Tiffany said that her boyfriend is Joe Don from the band Rascal Flats and that's apparently Eric the Midget's favorite band. Howard remembered getting that call from Eric and goofed on him for a few seconds. He got right back to Tiffany's boobs and found out that they're real. He asked her to sing some of the Rascal Flats songs but she didn't seem to be into it. Artie said that they had just played them yesterday (referring to the racists songs they played) so Fred pulled out the songs and played ''The House Next Door's Been Sold to Nig***s.'' Tiffany seemed to find that pretty funny. Howard spent a short time talking to her about her boyfriend and asked if she's into other chicks. Tiffany said she's never been into that whole thing. She told Howard about her career and how she was doing commercials, modeling and pageants before this Playboy thing came up. She explained how she got picked to be tested for the magazine and how tough it was to be naked for the first time. Howard doesn't get how women are so self conscious about getting naked. He said that he gets why guys with small wieners would hesitate to get naked but not hot chicks.

  Artie asked Tiffany if she'd be willing to get naked for them. Of course she said no to that request. She talked a bit more about what she will do with her man. She said she's never used a vibrator before but she's willing to do stuff for her man. Howard kept digging and digging but Tiffany didn't seem to want to give up much information. She told a story about a previous boyfriend who may have cheated on her. Tiffany wasn't saying that the guy actually did cheat on her but the relationship was very tough. Howard asked her if she has ever referred to her own private parts with the c-word. Tiffany didn't want to answer that question and tried to avoid answering it. She said that she doesn't recall ever saying that word in the way he was asking. Howard said he likes when a girl is dirty and nasty in bed like that though. Howard asked her if she ''drinks the protein shake.'' Tiffany said that the thought of that makes her sick so she doesn't do that. Howard was shocked when he heard that. Howard wondered if she even ''puts the cup in her mouth'' for the protein shake. Robin said she doesn't drink the ''protein shake'' either. Howard told Tiffany that she's like a wild girl from 1940, not 2005. Robin thought that Howard didn't even do that stuff anymore but Howard said he has started doing it. He said he used to feel bad for the girl but he doesn't anymore.

  Howard gave Tiffany a couple of plugs for the June issue of Playboy and for a DVD she's appearing in. He asked her what she does in the video and she talked a little bit about that. She said she hasn't seen the DVD so she's not sure what they actually put in it. She remembered some of the stuff she shot for it but she didn't have all that much to say about it. Howard picked up a call from ''Hef'' (Zolar) who apologized for sending down this boring bitch. He apparently didn't like the way the interview was going. Howard asked to see a little more of Tiffany but she didn't even want to take off her coat.

  Howard took a phone call from a guy who went to college with Tiffany. He said that he tried to get a date with her but all they did was kiss. She didn't remember all of the details but the caller did. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that before Howard took a call from King of All Blacks. He asked how her feet looked. Howard checked them out and said they looked good. Howard asked if they could smell her feet but she wasn't into that. King ended up saying something that got the delay hit. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later. He asked Tiffany once again to show them a little more but she refused to even pose in a shirt. Howard ended the interview after giving her a plug for her web site TiffanyFallon.com

• And Finally... 05/10/05. 9:10am
  Howard came back from break and played some System of a Down music. He spent a minute talking about seeing them on Saturday Night Live. Artie wasn't into the band as much as Howard seemed to be. Howard moved on to talk about an article he read about this politician who was just outed for being gay and the guy was a big anti-gay dude before all of this came out. The guy was very conservative in his politics but not in his personal life.

  Howard got soem feedback from the guys who were telling him that the Playboy chick was pretty boring. Artie said she was hot though and he wasn't bored sitting there and looking at her. Howard said the most surprising thing is that Robin doesn't drink her boyfriend's ''protein drink.'' Robin said she has a problem eating anything that has that feeling on her tongue. She said it's not about the guy, it's about her reaction to the texture.

  Howard mentioned that his limo is up on www.ebay.com. They talked about it yesterday and it made it into the paper today. It turns out the limo wasn't listed right on the auction site so it didn't come up the last time it was there. Now they have it listed so if you type in ''Howard Stern's Escalade'' it'll come up. Ronnie siad he heard that Double A wanted to buy it and have Beth's picture airbrushed on the side of it. Howard was thinking of keeping it for his museum so he'll have something to show off. By the time the conversation was done, Ronnie was pissed at Howard for not liking the limo. That's the whole reason he's selling it.

  Howard had Robin start her news. During her news she reported that Jimmy Buffet is going to be on SIRIUS soon. Howard siad he was up at the SIRIUS studios recently adn Buffet was there to say hello to him. Howard was asked to keep quiet about that until they made their big announcement. Howard started thinking about how he has to name his channel now that he knows that Buffet is going to be calling his station ''Margarittaville.'' Howard thought about using ''Gravitas,'' ''Bukkake'' or ''Hey Now.'' Robin said that he should just call it ''Howard Stern'' like he calls everything else. Howard said he's got to come up with some ideas for the channels he's going to be programming over there but he's already meeting resistance from them over there. He said he's going to just wait until he moves over there to figure something out. He mentioned the name ''Radio Gash'' as a possible naem for the new channel over there. Robin got a laugh out of that one.

  RObin read a list of hot chicks during her news so Howard and the guys were arguing about who actually belonged on the list or not. Howard was arguing about Jennifer Garner being on the lsit and sadi that he was going to have to sue the magazine who put that list out. Howard agreed about Evangeline Lilly being number 2 on the list. He thinks she's super hot. He didn't like that Eva Longoria was number one on the list because he's sick of hearing about ''Desperate Housewives.'' He figures the show will fail soon, it just has to. Robin mentioned some of the names that had moved down on the list including Halle Berry and Natalie Portman who were down at numbers 41 and 42. Howard and the guys talked about those two for a short time and then went to commercial break.

  Howard took a call during the news from a guy who asked Howard who will win American Idol. That got Howard and Robin talking about the show and about some of the people who have been voted off already. The phone caller also asked Howard about the big Rosie O'Donnell head that they used to have in the studio filled with jelly beans. Howard said that he's not all that down on Rosie these days. He said he reads her blog and he's impressed with some of the things she's done lately and how honest she seems to be. The caller wnated to play a game but Howard didn't want to get into that today. He wanted to get out of there on time. He gave the guy a prize anyway. $500 courtesy of the movie ''Alone in the Dark.'' Robin finished up her news after that and they ended the show around 10:10am.

• Howard Discusses Ray Romano. 05/11/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Fred's Imus song parody, Captain Janks prank calls Dan Rather about Space Shuttle crash, Porno for Pyros performing ''Meija'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show talking about his opening song that he and Rob Zombie did for his ''Private Parts'' movie soundtrack album. Howard said it took him a full day to record that song. That led to Howard talking about how Rob Zombie is a great guy but he won't have him on the show because he's really not a good guest. When he sits on that couch the guy has nothing to say according to Howard. He kept talking about how much he likes Rob but he just can't have him on the show.

  Howard was up at 2 in the morning this morning. He said his dog, Bianca, woke him up. The dog was sleeping in another room with Beth but came out and pushed her way into his room for some reason. He talked about how the dog snores pretty loud and it's cute unless you're trying to sleep. Howard brought the dog back to the other side of the apartment and woke Beth up to tell her that he was awakened by the dog. Artie said that's when he would kick the dog out of the house. Howard said that he loves that dog and couldn't do that. After moving the dog Howard talked about watching Larry King Live, which wasn't live at the time. He saw Larry interviewing the cast of ''Everybody Loves Raymond.'' Howard said that he's never seen an episode of that show for some reason. He liked a couple of the things Ray Romano was saying about keeping the final show to a half hour unlike some shows that dragged it out for a full hour. Howard said Ray may just sit back and enjoy his money like Jerry Seinfeld has done since his show ended. He still goes out and does stand-up comedy but Robin said he gets a standing ovation when he walks on stage.

  Gary talked about a 60 Minutes interview that was done with Ray Romano. He said that Ray is still with this woman who married him before he was famous. They showed how Ray seems to want to just get on the other side of the huge house he lives in. Artie told a story about doing a show with Ray shortly before his new show started. Artie remembers wishing Ray luck and Ray saying ''Ehhh, we'll see what happens...'' Gary said that Ray seems like one of those guys who would love to get rid of his wife but he has too much guilt to do something like that. Gary talked about how uncomfortable Ray seemed when he was being interviewed by Mike Wallace about how much money he was getting paid.

• American Idol Discussions. 05/11/05. 6:15am
  Howard said he went over to a Rodney Rothman reading at a Barnes and Nobel book store last night. Howard liked this book the guy wrote (''Early Bird : A Memoir of Premature Retirement'') and he just wanted to go over and let him know how much he liked it. After that Howard talked about watching ''American Idol'' last night. He said he's sick of Randy Jackson talking about the contestants being in ''the dog pound.'' He said he's really sick of that comment and he's also sick of when Randy says ''You know exactly who you are'' and when he says that the contestants know which songs to sing based on their talents. Howard brought up Paula Abdul and how they kind of avoided talking about her alleged relationship with contestant Corey Clark. Ryan Seacrest tried to make a joke about the whole Corey Clark story but his joke was really lame. Everyone cheered on Paula after that so Howard said they're basically cheering her for banging some dude and encouraging her to do it again.

  Vinnie Favale called in and got in on the American Idol discussions. He brought up something that happened with Vonzel getting upset for some reason. Gary came in and said that Will was upset about her crying because it gives her an unfair advantage over the other contestants. Artie heard that and asked for the Yankee tickets he gave Will to be given back because he's just discovered that he's a ''big fruit.''

  Howard ended up talking to Vinnie about how his girlfriend seemed to have been fired from doing bits on Letterman's show after she started dating him. Vinnie swears that's not true but Howard had an interesting conversation with this guy Rodney Rothman at the book signing he went to. Rodney used to work as a writer on Letterman's show and Rodney won't even mention the name of the show when he's talking about working over there. Gary said that the whole Beth thing has to be true because they would have hired her to do bits after the first time Howard mentioned this whole thing. Howard told Vinnie that he's done with him because he knows that he's lying about this stuff. Vinnie was swearing that the firing wasn't true but Howard doesn't even think he's in on those decisions. Howard said that if he gets rid of someone from his show for some reason, Vinnie wouldn't know about it. He said that Vinnie has about as much to do with his show as he does with Letterman's. Vinnie said he does know more about it than he thinks. Howard asked Vinnie to let him in on the decisions he's made for Letterman's show but Vinnie didn't want to get into that. Howard said that he was told by some people that Beth was let go from Letterman's show because she was dating him. Howard said people now think that she quit that show because she has so much money. She's still making the same kind of money she was making before though.

  Howard seems to think that Letterman is paranoid about him and that's why they stopped calling Beth to work on the show. Vinnie doesn't get why Howard thinks that Dave is paranoid of him. Howard said Letterman is paranoid about a lot of things. Vinnie insists that Howard is nuts and they didn't stop calling Beth because of the reasons that Howard thinks they did.

  Howard got back to his American Idol discussion and played some audio clips from the show. He played a clip of Paula slurring her words and sounding like she was wasted. Howard said that's what he would sound like when he came home at 2 in the morning to his parents house when he was high on acid.

  Howard mentioned that David Schwimmer's publicist called them and let them know that David has never dated Kim Cattrall. They mentioned that in the news the other day but it turns out it's not true. Gary said that David was dating some really hot model a while back and no one could imagine him dating a 48 year old like Kim Cattrall. He said she was in ''Porkey's'' and now she's porkey. Then he said that Kim looks good for her age. He said it's tough for women to keep it together. Howard and the guys spent a couple more minutes talking about American Idol. Howard was saying that everyone in the country is watching the show but Artie pointed out that he's not. Artie also said that even if 30 percent of the country is watching that show, there are 70 percent who don't. He's in that 70 percent.

  Fred and Vinnie ended up getting into a little bit of an argument during the American Idol discussion. Fred made a joke about Vinnie downloading from Napster so Vinnie told him that joke was funny 5 years ago. Fred came back at him by saying ''...so was Letterman!'' The two of them went back and forth arguing for a minute. Vinnie kept getting back to the American Idol stuff and wondered why that chick was crying on the show last night. The guys had some theories about what went on with that. They eventually wrapped up that conversation and let Vinnie off the phone and went to break.

• Howard Apologizes To Soupy Sales. 05/11/05. 6:50am
  Howard came back from break and had Red Hot Chili Peppers playing. It was a cover of a Stevie Wonder song so Howard talked about how great Stevie is and how he was supposed to have been scheduled to do the show. Gary told Howard that the album was rescheduled for July so he may be in then.

  Howard asked to be fired again this morning. He was pointing out how every day he's on the air there, the more he's reminding people that he's moving to satellite. Robin seems to think that the company will throw them off as soon as they find a replacement. Artie said that he could give them some suggestions on how to get fired if they wanted. He suggested that they come in at 9:30 in the morning or do coke off the console. Gary came in and told Howard that Cabbie was telling him that he has inside information that Infinity is going to get Chris Rock to replace Howard. Howard said that would be just fine with him and they should get Chris in there now. The guys were joking about how maybe Soupy Sales could replace Howard. Howard said he feels bad for Soupy because he was his childhood hero. He said that Soupy treated him pretty well when he was on WNBC. He said he took out his anger on Soupy back then and he shouldn't have. He apologized to Soupy today for doing that to him back then. Robin tried to get Howard to make up with Soupy when they did their WWOR Channel 9 TV show. Howard said that was a mean thing to do to him though. Howard feels bad about all of that stuff and he'd like to try and get him back on the show again so he can apologize on the air. Bobo called in and said that he remembers the day that Howard cut Soupy's piano string wires. Howard said he was sorry about that as well but he was pissed that Soupy had a piano in the studio back then. He changed his mind about having Soupy on the show again after that stuff came up.

• Howard Nominated For Hall Of Fame. 05/11/05. 7:00am
  Howard said that he got a letter from Broadcast and Cable magazine asking him to be inducted into a hall of fame. He said that they sent the letter to Meg Griffin over at SIRIUS asking her to send it to him. He read the note he got and figured that they must be making money on the whole deal for them to be asking him to be inducted. His nomination was unanimous according to the letter. He read that the ceremony will be taking place therein the City at the Waldorf Hotel so it wouldn't be too far for him to travel. Howard read that David Letterman is another potential nominee but Howard doesn't think that he'd show up. There were some other names on the list so Howard said he's going to wait to find out if anyone else is going to show up before he commits to it. He complained that it was a Monday night but he could be off the air by then and then he'd be able to go.

  Howard heard that Robin went off on Sal the Stockbroker yesterday after some of the comments he made about her. Robin said she was upset about him questioning her loyalty to the show. Sal came in and admitted that he said some stuff to her that got her upset. He asked Robin if she ever cries but she said that she's not talking to him anymore. Robin said that he kept apologizing to her so she told him to get out of her booth. Sal wanted to know if she's ever cried during an argument with anyone. Robin said she has cried but she would never cry for him. A phone caller said that Robin can't take any criticism on the show because she thinks she's too good. Robin said she is too good and the guy might be right.

  Howard said that he's going to think about the Broadcast and Cable thing before making a decision. He said they may have to make a call to them to have them kiss his ass a little bit.

• Sal's Hypnosis Replay. 05/11/05. 7:25am
  After the break Howard replayed the prank call Sal made to Gary the Retard using clips of Rosie O'Donnell's retarded character. Howard said you'd think Gary would connect better with the other retard. He moved on to replay some of the stuff that happened the other day when they had Sal the Stockbroker under hypnosis. They trimmed it down to just the most interesting parts like where Sal told Howard he'd save him over his wife. Howard would interrupt and talk about some of the wacky things that Sal was saying and doing while he was under. Sal was ready to suck Howard off while he was under as well. Sal had some things to say about his co-workers while he was under so Howard played those clips as well. Mike Gange came in and said he didn't know how Sal felt about him until that came out the other day. Mike said he tries to be as professional with Sal as he can and he doesn't get why he hates him so much. Sal was bad mouthing Doug Goostein and even Richie from E!. Doug Goodstein came in adn said that he's thinking that Sal is a mental patient these days. He used to help Sal out in the past but now he's thinking he's pretty wacky. Howard played more but he was missing the part where Sal lsited the people on the show in order of their talent. Howard didn't know why they left that part out. Robin told Howard that Sal told him something about how he's sometimes voicing some stuff that Howard doesn't like to say on the air. Sal came in and said that wasn't true and explained what he meant. When he explained it, it sounded just like what Robin had just said though.

  Howard mentioned that the Corey Clark interview is on E! tonight at a special time, 10:00pm. He said they must think it's so important that they have to air it an hour early. Howard said some cryptic things about E! and how they're two faced but wouldn't get into details. Artie brought up the gay stuff that Sal was talking about while he was hypnotized but the delay was hit at least one time so we missed out on some of the conversation.

• Howard's Mail And Other Stuff. 05/11/05. 7:40am
  Howard read some mail about yesterday's show with the Playboy chick. A lot of people were bored with her interview. She wouldn't even take off her jacket while she was in the studio. She was naked in Playboy but she wouldn't even take off her jacket. Howard said they got some mail about Sal being on the show and how funny he is. There are some people who want less Sal on the show as well. Some people wrote in and asked to have Sal kept off the air. There were others who think that Sal is gay and disturbed. Howard read some mail about his conversation about Gwen Stefani yesterday. One guy agreed that the song Howard played yesterday was actually very addictive and thoguht it was funny when Howard was singing along to ''Hollaback Girl.'' One person said that Howard is gay for liking that song but Howard siad that the only reason he likes that song is because Gwen is so hot. Someone corrected Artie about a joke about Natalie Portman he's been talking about lately. The writer said that the joke was an old joke from The Golden Girls.

  Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard that he thinks Sal looks at Howard as his father adn he's willing to do just about anything for him. Dominic was telling the guys how he's seen hundreds of people hypnotized in his life and none of them scared him as much as Sal's hypnosis did. Howard let Dominic go after that and read an e-mail from someone who asked what Jimi Hendrix song they played on the show yesterday. Howard said the song was ''Little Wing.'' He wanted to play some of his other songs but Fred couldn't pull up the good stuff. They had a bunch of his crappier songs but nothing that great. Gary said he'd hook him up with the greatest hits album if he wanted. Howard said it just takes too long to make that happen. Fred pulled a CD out of his bag of tricks and gave it to Howard. This is one of the first times Fred has actually said what he's had in that bag of his. He also had a Rolling Stones CD in his bag so Howard mentioned that he wanted to go over and see the Rolling Stones play an impromptu concert in the city yesterday. Howard found out about it from a guy who goes to his gym. Artie was upset that no one told him about it because he's a huge fan. He said that he's on the biggest radio show in the city and no one informed him about that.

  Howard played some of the Jimi Hendrix Greatest Hits but the songs that he was playing weren't really Howard's favorites. He bailed on that idea and read some more e-mail. There was one guy who complained about System of a Down telling Howard that they suck donkey balls. Howard said one guy wrote in about how bad Artie singing ''Desperado'' was yesterday.

  Howard said he had this woman waiting in the green room to come in and show them the implants she got from Dr. Sal Calabro. Howard said she's kind of wacky and she wanted to either sing for them or do a dance. Gary came in and said that they're going to play 30 seconds of her song. Howard suggested that she just come in and show her breasts and then leave. Gary liked that idea but the woman may not want to do that. Howard took a break right after that.

• Christine's New Implants. 05/11/05. 8:10am
  Howard came back from break and had some major malfunctions going on with his equipment. The cart machine that Fred uses wasn't working right. Howard said he really has to get out of there. After that he brought in this girl Christine who was there to show off her new implants. While the guys were bringing her in Howard went through a few new stories that he saw. He saw some pictures of The Rolling Stones and noticed that Mick Jagger is still wearing belly shirts like a chick would. He said the guy has a good stomach but he has no desire to see a dude's stomach. There was also an article about Teri Hatcher making out with John Salle. Howard said that kind of shocked him because he didn't picture Terri dating black guys. Howard read an article about how Disney may be getting out of the radio business with their ABC network. Howard found that pretty interesting.

  Howard said that they gave this woman Christine Christian breast implants after she won them on the show (In a game of strap-on baseball back in January). He said he heard that she's a big pain in the ass. Christine said that's not the case and she wasn't supposed to come in and sing like Gary thought. Howard told her that the boobs looked good on her but she needs to get rid of the bangs she had. He asked to see her boobs right after that so she took off her top. She went to a 36-C cup from an A-cup. Howard played some footage from when Christine was on the show before and her boobs weren't all that bad before. Howard said Christine was looking tighter today than she did back then as well. She said she's been working out lately. Christine took off her top after that and they were pretty big according to Howard. He said the looked good. Christine said they feel real too. She got a job on an FX show after getting the implants. She claimed to be getting aroused just looking at Howard today. She claims that she's been a fan since she was about 9 years old. Howard wondered if he should ''give it to her'' to make her day. She said she'd be willing to kill herself for him if he slept with her. Howard said it might ruin things with Beth if he did that so he'd have to have her kill herself if they did it so she couldn't talk about it.

  Howard checked out her ass and then got ready to play her song. Artie said he heard a little bit of it during the break and he'd pay Howard $100 not to play it. Howard told Christine that he didn't like it all that much either and it sounded like an old Nine Inch Nails song from 10 years ago. Christine said she likes the song and it would fit right in with what they're playing on Howard's station. Howard agreed to play her song if she agreed to let them do things to her. He asked to have Benjy squeeze her boobs for the first 10 seconds of the song. She agreed to that so Benjy went right over and felt her boobs. Howard played 10 seconds of her song. Her band is called Death Before Dancing and you can find out more about them at DeathBeforeDancing.com. Howard asked the guys if anyone else wanted to feel her up so she could play her song more. Jason was up next. He felt her up so Howard played another 10 seconds of the song. That led to Howard talking about how his station, K-Rock, has something called K-Rock 2 where they have an online feed and all of the music sounds worse that this chick's music. Doug Goodstein asked if they could put mayonnaise on her boobs and wrap her with Saran wrap. She didn't seem to be as into that as she was with everything else... but she agreed to do it. Christine told her ''partner'' to come in if he was against any of this. The guy asked to come in a few seconds later.

  The guy who Christine said was her partner turned out to be her husband. He asked not to have mayonnaise put on her boobs but baby oil was okay. Howard said the dude looked like he was about 14 years old. Doug went ahead and sprayed Christine's breasts with Pam cooking oil. Howard played another 10 seconds of her song and asked Christine what she was singing about. She explained what the song was about and everyone seemed to be zoning out. Howard said he doesn't think the song is going to make it anywhere, it's not a hit. Christine asked Howard to play a different song called ''Headlights'' which was more appropriate for what they were doing in there. Howard played that song and Christine started to dance to the song. Howard liked that because she was staring at him while she was doing it. That song didn't sound all that much different than the other one. Doug interrupted the song and asked if they could have Artie toss marshmallows at her and have her catch them between her boobs. Artie tried it and tossed some marshmallows at Christine. She ended up catching them with her hands instead. Howard bailed out on that idea and wrapped up the segment a short time later.

  Howard got in a plug for Dr. Calabro's web site SalCalabro.com. Dr. Calabro was on the line and said that Christine does some interesting side jobs that would be good for the air. Christine said that he's just kidding and didn't know what he was talking about. He was kind of hinting that she's a dominatrix but she didn't seem to be into talking about that. Dr. Calabro told Howard that they'll have pictures of her up on his web site sometime soon. Richard Christy came in a short time later and asked if he could feel up Christine. The husband wasn't into it at first but agreed to let him do it after Richard told him that he was a drummer in a speed metal band at one time so he knows a lot of people in the industry. Howard let Christine and her husband go after that.

• Pamela Anderson Calls In. 05/11/05. 8:35am
  Howard had Pam Anderson on the phone after Christine's visit. Howard said he heard that she broke up with Stephen Dorff. He also talked about how great her outfit was on Jimmy Kimmel's show recently. Howard said that Pam had her legs crossed on the show and she didn't have one dimple on her so she's got no cellulite. He told her that she's holding up real nice. Robin pointed out that she wasn't on the FHM hottest chick list that they talked about the other day. Pam said that she's never on those lists for some reason. Howard asked Pam to give him five names of hot women that she'd like to do. Pam said she likes Elizabeth Hurley and Robin. She also said that she thinks that Britney Spears is pretty hot and so is Paris Hilton. Howard was mentioning the names, Pam wasn't coming up with them herself. Jessica Simpson is hot according to Pam. She isn't all that into Madonna but said that she still looks good for her age. Howard asked Pam if Sally Jesse Raphael is hot. Pam said she wouldn't put her on that top ten list. Jennifer Lopez's name came up and Pam said she's hot when she's not wearing fur.

  Howard asked Pam about guys that she finds attractive. She said that she's into guys like Mick Jagger or Sam Elliott. She said she's not sure she'll ever be with another guy because it's so tough to find a guy. Howard said he doesn't think she's the great mother she claims she is. He said he sees her off partying with guys all the time. Pam said she's not out that much and they tape her TV show while her kids are in school all but 2 days of the week.

  Howard asked Pam when she last had sex. Pam said it was before the last phone call she made to Howard. She had sex with Stephen back then. Howard asked Pam what happened with her and Stephen. She said things just didn't work out. She said it's been about 2 months since she had sex. Howard ended up asking Pam if she will drink her man's ''protein shake.'' Pam said of course she does, it makes her hair grow. She said she can't wait for Howard to move to satellite.

  Howard talked about Pam's new TV show ''Stacked.'' Pam said that it's going pretty well right now and they've allowed her to untape her nipples since they moved the show to 9:30pm. She said the shows are getting funnier but Howard said they need to keep her on camera because he's not watching if she's not on screen. Pam was telling Howard about how he has to come party with her at her hotel room sometime. Howard said he'd like to have her up to his apartment with his girlfriend so they could party alone. Pam didn't seem all that interested in doing that. She told him ''no'' a few times. Howard gave Pam a plug for her show that's airing tonight at 9:30 on FOX. He asked her what she was wearing this morning. Pam said she wasn't wearing anything. Howard asked her if her kids have ever seen her naked. Pam said they probably have so Howard talked about how traumatizing it was when he saw his mother's bush when he was a little kid. Howard said Pam's kids are going to expect every woman to look like her when they grow up.

  Howard asked Pam to do an F***, Marry, Kill game with the following three names. Tommy Lee, Stephen Dorff and Kid Rock. Pam said that she would probably marry Tommy again if she had to marry someone. She said she knows she could live with him for a long time if she really had to. She said she still talks to Bob (Kid Rock) but she'd probably kill him off while she'd F Stephen one more time if she had to. Howard told Pam he wanted to get some coke and hookers just like Pat O'Brien did on the voice mail messages he got in trouble over. Pam said she'll be in New York next week if her show gets picked up for next season. They're shooting her last of the six shows for her season in the near future. Artie told Pam her show must be good because the paper put ''one big star'' right next to the review. Pam said getting one star is pretty tough. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time after that. He told her that he's been watching her show and he'll be watching tonight's show. Howard said he has to bang Pam before she gets too old for him. Pam said it had better be soon then. Howard let her go a short time after that.

  Howard said that if he wasn't with Beth, he would do Pam this week. He'd give it his best shot if he had the chance. Artie told Howard that he'd have to do it, he owes it to his fans. Robin said everyone knows that he's not going to do anything because of Beth. Howard said he did plenty before he met Beth though. Howard mentioned that he really does like Pam's show. Artie has never seen it but he hasn't seen much of anything except for baseball games. Howard went to break after that.

• Tom's Son's Wedding Party Discussed. 05/11/05. 9:10am
  After the break Fred played a couple of songs that the band Jet performed when they were on the show a few months back. He played some of their ''Are You Gonna Be My Girl'' performance and all of their performance of ''Look What You've Done.'' Howard then played a song parody they created using clips of Sal's gay hypnosis discussions to the tune of Richard Marx's song ''Right Here Waiting.'' They also took some of Richard Christy's moaning clips and some of John the Stutterer stuttering in a way that made the two of them sound like they were getting off while talking to each other on the phone.

  Howard played the number one song in the country and it was Gwen Stefani's ''Hollaback Girl.'' He played a quick clip of that and then played Fred's ''Imus Dead or Alive'' song parody as the number 2 song. He played the rest of the top 5 songs and made everyone suffer through those clips. After that Howard had Robin start her news so they could try and get out of there almost on time. Howard mentioned that Ronnie had to stop the auction for his limo yesterday for some reason. There was a major bidding war going on over at www.ebay.com. Ronnie came in and said that it was getting so busy that they were crashing the site so they put a stop to it. Ronnie was going to give them the top three bids but Howard told him to wait until he had the actual bid before giving it out on the air.

  Ronnie asked Howard if he was going to Tom's son's wedding on Saturday. Howard and Robin are going so Ronnie said that he got a lecture from Tom about the way he talks and how he'd better watch his language when he's there. Howard said he remembers being at a wedding with Ronnie and he was knocking back drinks, cursing and dancing the whole night. Ronnie said that he has fun at those things. Tom came in a minute later and said he was kidding when he told Ronnie to watch his language but Ronnie thought he was serious. Doug came in and said that he heard stories about how Ronnie was out of control at his wedding cursing up a storm. Howard said he had to laugh at Doug's wedding because he said that it's just funny when people get married. He ended up talking about how he was just starting to go out with Beth back then and he didn't bring her to the wedding with him. She met him after the wedding and they both left.

  Howard said he heard that Doug's wife flipped out when she saw Doug feeling up some woman's breasts on the E! show one night. Doug said that wasn't the case and she thought that show was funny. Gary came in and said that he heard that Doug's wife had gotten a call about that show and she flipped out but Doug said she didn't flip out. Gary also asked Howard why he doesn't feel more women up these days and wondered if that's because of Beth. Howard said he's just not that horny these days. Gary said that the Scores parties have stopped since he and Beth have gotten so serious. Howard hasn't been doing his usual Scores parties either. Howard told the guys that he doesn't need the big parties anymore because he doesn't need all of the guys coming with him. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. They ended the show around 10:15am.

• Scary Personalities And Backwards Countries. 05/12/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Sal and Richard prank call two chicken restaurants, Green Day performing ''Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show talking about it being Thursday and how it was a live show. Artie talked about how he went to Starbucks this morning and got himself a Caramel Macchiata since they were talking about it the other day. He said he couldn't order the ''grande'' size because it sounded too gay so he got himself a tall instead. They spent a few minutes talking about that and about the ''barristas'' who work at the Starbucks. Artie brought up Jeff the Drunk and did an impression of him as if he were working at a Starbucks.

  Howard was reading an article about this guy John Bolton who wants to be an ambassador for this country but no one likes him because he's known as a control freak. Howard said that doesn't seem like a fair thing and if the guy is aggressive, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Howard was kind of defending the guy but Robin said that she's heard that if the guy doesn't like what someone says, he'll insist that you change your mind. Howard said the great thing about the article is how they compared the personality traits of criminals and master businessmen and found that they're very similar. He read that their personalities make them believe that they are the most important person and they are addicted to their work. They will also try to convince people to change their minds if they don't agree with what they believe. Artie said ''let's look around the room...'' and Robin pointed out that Howard was starting to sound complimentary to himself. Howard was basically describing himself. He went on to talk about how it just takes a little bit too much of those characteristics and those people can turn into criminals. There isn't much difference between the two. Robin didn't think that those rules stand 100 percent of the time. Howard insisted that they do.

  Howard said he had to lecture his kids while they were sitting down for dinner last night. He said he was talking to them about Africa and how awful and backwards things are down there. Howard's daughter said she never looks at a country as being ''backwards'' she just sees them as being ''different'' than this country. Howard said he brought up how they believe in witchcraft down in Africa and his daughter told him that Witchcraft is no different than the religions we have in this country. Howard said that he was also arguing with her about how parts of Africa are more backwards than any other place in the world. He told her about a story he read about how there's a belief that women down there have to have sex with the husband's closest relative to get rid of the demons down there. This is helping to spread AIDS down there and it's almost like a rape if the woman isn't into it. Howard showed the guys a picture of this woman who had to do that with her husband. He also mentioned that there are War lords down there who are starving their people down there.

• Lucky Lottery Numbers. 05/12/05. 6:20am
  Howard brought up a story about the lottery commission and how they have statistics on just how many people should win a lottery drawing. If those statistics go up for some odd reason, they have to do a fraud investigation. That happened recently when 110 people won second prize in a lottery. That was a bit too many so the lottery commission had to go into their reserve to make the payouts. They looked into it and found out that a fortune cookie company had printed out ''lucky numbers'' for their fortune cookies and a bunch of people played those numbers. There was no fraud, it was people just playing their lucky numbers from their fortune cookies.

  Howard brought up King Tut's mummy and said that some scientists have reconstructed his face and found that he was a dog. Howard said that he hates rich guys like that and he's happy that the guy was ugly. Howard said he was reading about all of this stuff while he was driving out to Long Island yesterday to pick up his daughters. He was all over the place talking about all of this stuff. He brought up another story about a product which is a Coffee Latte that comes in a self-heating can. He said he'd never buy something like that. The fact that the can heats itself scares Howard. He said that it takes about 7 minutes from what he read but the can does heat itself up. Robin said she thinks that the heat source will cause problems somehow.

  Howard brought up this baseball coach who was being interviewed by ESPN and after they were done taping, he said some comments about one of his players not having any nig*** in him and that's what made him a great guy. The coach ended up resigning on Sunday after the accusations were made. The player that the coach was talking about didn't want the guy to quit because he liked him as a coach. Howard wondered where something like that would come from. Artie told Howard about how he was in a hotel room with a couple of comedians and a couple of agents one time. One of the comedians was a black guy who had 2 black chicks with him. One of the agents made a comment after the guy left about how he hoped that those N-words didn't steal any of their stuff. The other comedian ended up ratting on the guy and he's pretty sure that it cost the guy his job. Artie said that he could have been the guy to rat on the agent so he wonders if he should have been the guy. Howard said he thinks he would have done what Artie did and not said anything. Robin said she always tells people when she hears something inappropriate to someone. Gary came in and told Howard about getting a flat tire about 6 years ago. He found a place that was open on Sunday and the guy who fixed it said something about how he loves when Howard makes fun of the N-words. Gary didn't say anything to his bosses but he was wondering if he should have. Artie said stuff like that really changes your opinion of those people.

  Howard was going to take a commercial break but he ended up talking about how there are way too many people who come in during the break. He said there are some people who just don't need to be in there during the break. Howard prepares for the rest of the show during the break and sometimes he has to critique some comedy bits right in front of the guys who bring them in. Howard said that Dan the Song Parody Man stares at him sometimes and he's afraid to take a bite of his food. Gary said he has stopped coming in during the 9 o'clock hour because there are so many people going in there. He asked Gary to put a stop to everyone coming in there and limit it to just a few guys. Gary said he'd make that happen. Howard went to break right after that.

• Billy Joel Music Appreciation And More. 05/12/05. 6:50am
  After the break the guys were playing a Counting Crows live version of ''Mrs. Jones'' that was performed there in the studio. Howard sat through most of the song without saying anything. He said he still sees Adam Duritze from the band once in a while. Robin said that she would only want to hear him sing, she wouldn't want to sit and talk to the guy. Howard understood what she was saying because he'll be sitting there talking to him and he wonders why he can't just sing something for him. Howard has the same thoughts about Billy Joel when he's sat down with him. Howard was once over at Billy's apartment and there was a piano in his apartment. Billy and Howard were talking and he eventually ambled over to the piano and started playing some kind of classical thing that he wasn't into. Howard was wondering why he didn't play a hit song or something. Artie said that Joel is great when he performs those old songs of his, especially in ''The Concert for New York City'' concert. Howard wasn't impressed with the classical stuff. He said that Billy did come close to performing a song by just saying ''only the good dye young'' while they were talking one night. Fred was playing some of Joel's hit songs in the background as Howard was talking about him. He wanted to hear a certain song but Fred wasn't able to bring it up on his computer. Howard took control and played The Downeaster ''Alexa'' (The Essential Billy Joel) which he seems to think was one of Joel's best songs.

  Howard said he thinks about how influential the guy is when he really sits down and thinks about it. Robin said that she went to a Billy Joel concert with Jackie the Joke Man and she remembers seeing Jackie screaming when Joel would mention a town he recognized. Howard said that happens a lot at concerts when people hear their home towns. Howard remembered being up at Boston University and listening to WBCN and thinking about how great it would be to work at that station. He didn't think he'd ever be good enough to be on that station though. He said now that he's ending his career in terrestrial radio and he takes for granted that he's the morning man on WBCN up there. He said if someone told him that 20-some years ago, he wouldn't have believed it. The program director up there made some nice comments about him when he was interviewed about Howard leaving his station. The guy was very gracious and didn't knock Howard because he's leaving to move to satellite. He said that's the way it should be and there doesn't have to be all of this anger that's coming from some of the people he's worked for. Howard said he's humbled by the fact that he got a chance to work on WBCN and he wanted to get it out there before he's let go from the company. He doesn't know when that will happen so he's getting the word out now. Howard also said some nice things about the people in West Palm Beach and Hartford where his ratings have been huge. Howard said he'd like to do a goodbye tour in his final days there at the company but he claims that they've been treating him in a bizarre way.

  A listener called in and told Howard that his music selection kind of sucks. He thought Billy Joel's song sucked. Howard said that song might be one of the best songs ever written. That led to Howard playing ''Miami 2017'' and talking about that with Artie for a short time before Howard took another commercial break.

• TV show Discussions, Phone Calls And More. 05/12/05. 7:25am
  Howard brought up ''Lost'' from last night and said that it wasn't the greatest episode, but he's still enjoying the show. He also watched ''American Idol'' and ended up talking about that show for a short time. He said he thinks that Kerry Underwood will win the whole thing because he believes that Bo Bice just sucks. Howard said there's no difference between Bo Bice and David Hasslehoff. He said that it was actually Fred who pointed that out to him. Fred said he almost threw his computer at the TV last night when he saw that guy performing. Howard also brought up how the father of one of the contestants is always dressed up in a pimp outfit.

  Howard mentioned a story about Dave Chappelle who has apparently checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa. Robin sounded very surprised about him going to South Africa to get help. Howard read an article about Dave and how he flew down to South Africa on April 28th to get treatment. Artie said that made him really sad to hear. Howard remembered one time that he was at a party with Dave and there were a bunch of people smoking pot but Dave was the only guy to get thrown out. Howard was also talking about how Dave was unhappy to have so much success with his Comedy Central show. Howard figured the guy expected it to fail and he never expected the success he got from the show.

  Irish John called in and said that he hooked up Jeff the Drunk with tickets to a Yankees game yesterday and the guy ended up getting drunk and passing out instead of watching the game. Artie said that's what Jeff did when he hooked him up with tickets. Howard said that it's all about Jeff wanting people to care for him like he's a baby. The caller was also wondering where Artie has been because he hasn't seen him at the games. Artie has only been able to go to one game this year because he's been so busy doing comedy shows on the road. The guys spent a little while talking about the Yankees and how they're going to be building a new stadium for them.

  Howard had a new voice mail from Crazy Alice who went off on Artie for calling her ''Crazy.'' She said that at least she hasn't shit in her pants like Artie has. She went off on him and Robin for some reason. She was saying that she's back to liking Howard for some reason. Howard isn't sure why that is though. Howard went on to play a prank call Sal made to Alice asking her to say that she was ''Crazy Alice, Insane Alice, Nutty Alice or Koo Koo Alice.'' She ended up hanging up on him because she didn't want to call herself any of those names. Richard Christy called her and asked her to say that she was ''Out of her mind Alice or Wacko Alice'' but she ended up going off on him as well. She yelled at him for a short time calling him names and cursing at him.

  Howard took a phone call from a guy who brought up the story that Howard mentioned first thing in the morning. He started to go off on the guy that was mentioned in the article but Howard said he wasn't even talking about him, he was talking about the similarities between criminals and very successful businessmen.

  Robin brought up the fact that the lobby of their station smells awful for some reason. The elevators have the same stench in them. Artie said he and Robin were gagging in the elevator the other day when they were in it. Howard said that it smells like ''ass cubed.'' Ronnie the Limo Driver explained it to Howard the other day and said that it was a leaking pipe or something in the basement of the building. He came in and asked Howard what his problem was because Howard was doing an impression of him. Ronnie said it had something to do with a sewer pipe. The smell comes up through the elevator shaft into the lobby.

• Author Craig Boreth Calls In. 05/12/05. 7:40am
  Howard had this guy Craig Boreth on the phone who wrote the book ''How to Iron Your Own Damn Shirt : The Perfect Husband Handbook Featuring Over 50 Foolproof Ways to Win, Woo & Wow Your Wife.'' Craig is trying to help guys lie to their wives by telling them how to do stuff around the house. Howard said that he's already got his girlfriend thinking that he's a great guy. Howard said that one thing that guys need to do is hide their porn. Artie talked about how he keeps his hidden in a brown paper bag and his girlfriend ended up finding it. Artie talked about his favorite movies and Fred played some gagging porn clips while he was talking about it. One of Artie's favorites is called ''Above the Rim'' and another one is ''The Sopornos.'' Howard asked Craig for the best way to hide your porn. Craig said that you can buy some empty double CD cases and put in some horrible band CD covers in there to hide the DVDs in. Howard also said that the best thing to do after having sex is to stay awake. That will make your woman appreciate you more. He said that it is tough to stay awake after having sex so what you might want to do is get your woman liquored up before so she will fall asleep before you.

  Howard said Craig also gives advice on how to pretend not to look at other woman. Craig gives suggestions on how to keep a conversation going while you look at another woman. He also suggests wearing dark or mirrored glasses so they can't see your eyes. Craig also has suggestions for guys who go to strip clubs. Howard said that he brings a change of clothes. He also said that there's a guy at Scores who helps get rid of the stripper smells by rubbing coffee beans on you. Craig said there are ways to go to a Victoria's Secret without looking like a stalker. Howard interrupted him and complained about his cell phone connection for a minute. They got back to the Victoria's Secret thing and Howard talked about how he will go with his girlfriend and pretend that he hates being there. Meanwhile, he's checking out the hot chicks there. Craig said that having some quality time there is key. He said that he suggests that if your girl is in the dressing room, you don't want to go in there looking for her by peeking under the doors. He also said that you don't want to use the word ''panty'' at any point.

  Craig has suggestions for lighting a match in the bathroom after going. He has suggestions for dancing with your woman and stuff like that as well. Howard gave Craig a couple of plugs for his book and web site PerfectHusband.com and then went to break.

• Howard's E-mail, Kathie Griffin's Blindness And More. 05/12/05. 8:05am
  Howard came back from break playing the Backside Boys (Howard, Jackie and Fred) ''Backside's Back'' song parody. Fred threw in some gay porn sounds as it was playing. Howard said that Scott the Engineer did a good job editing that song when they created it.

  Hook Nose Mike called in and brought up Beth's spread in FHM magazine. That got Howard into his e-mail. He read one e-mail from a guy who got FHM and said that she looks better than ever and called Howard some names because of his jealousy. Mike said that Beth seems to have a really sweet personality as well on top of her looking so hot. Mike wondered if there's been any buzz around the office about the magazine. Howard said that no one has said anything to him and he figures it's because they'd think he'd think it was creepy. Gary said that Beth was on CNN Headline News yesterday and they were showing video of the photo shoot. He said that video was ''really, really hot.'' Howard said Beth shows that she's not air brushed when they show that video. Gary also mentioned that Beth said it's their 5th anniversary this week because they met 5 years ago. Howard said they met at Mercer Kitchen back then. Gary wondered if there's a common-law marriage thing in New York because they've been together so long. Howard said they don't have that law and he's not married. He told the guys that Beth is happy with the way things are now and she's not bugging him to get married or anything. Gary thinks that there's still a chance that he'll end up having a kid with Beth and he'll be like Tony Randall, pushing a stroller around at the age of 77. Howard said he's not going to get married again and he can't be put in that position again. Gary told Howard that he had this discussion about Beth moving into his apartment and that eventually happened. Howard said that's right but he's still thinking that he's not going to get married.

  Howard said he's thought about getting a vasectomy but he can't even get laser eye surgery because he's so paranoid. He said that Kathy Griffin is out talking about how she's going blind in one eye and she's thinking that it's because of laser eye surgery. She had 3 lasik surgeries and now she's got problems with one of her eyes. Howard played some clips of her talking about how she first had surgery back in 1998. She had 2 surgeries done after that and eventually had some odd cell growth in her one eye. They removed the cells and they came back a few months later. Kathy was crying as she was talking about how she could lose the sight in that eye. Howard wondered why she had to go get this ''enhancement'' she was talking about. Howard heard that story and that would keep him from getting his eyes done. He was also wondering why Kathy didn't come in there to reveal that story. She wasted the interview on ''Entertainment Tonight.''

  Hook Nose Mike said that she could be in the Blind hot chick contest they have coming up. Howard mentioned that the contest is coming up next week and Mike asked if he could judge it. Howard said ''no'' at first but then decided that maybe they should have him in. A few minutes later Mike made some comments that had Howard having second thoughts about inviting him in. He put him on hold a short time later so they could set him up to come in. Howard remembers meeting Mike one time and how surprised he was to see how short and bald the guy was. He expected him to be a big guy for some reason. He said sometimes it's better not to meet people like that. The guys showed Howard some pictures of Mike and he wasn't bald. He was just a normal looking dude.

  Ralph called in and said that Kathy Griffin probably got some free eye surgery because she never pays for anything. He also talked about the guy who called in to promote his book earlier. He said women are guilty of the same things guys are. Howard let him go after that and got back to this story he was reading about a dog that saved a baby in Kenya. There was apparently a woman who had a baby and left it in the woods to die. This wild dog ended up finding the baby and dragged it back to it's own nest and nursed it along with it's puppies. The dog actually watched over the baby for 2 days and it was more motherly than the babies mother.

  Howard read an e-mail he got about the fake Arnold Schwarzenegger bit they did a few weeks back. Joe Scarborough on MSNBC did a report about the interview as if it was a real interview. Howard got an e-mail from a person who said that they were watching Don Imus' show and on MSNBC and they edited out Howard's name from Imus' show 3 times within 2 minutes. Just the mere mention of Howard's name is getting censored out. It was MSNBC that was editing out the mention because they had been fooled by this joke. Howard said that he watches MSNBC but they've now gone down about 10 notches because of this. J.D. came in and said that he watched that episode and there were no edits on their feed so the writer may not have been telling the truth. Howard thanked him for spoiling the story and moved on to other things.

  Howard brought up Teri Hatcher who was rumored to have been making out with John Salle. An e-mailer said that John Salle was seen hanging out with a porn star as well and he's rumored to have a huge member. Howard went through a bunch of other e-mails about their music discussions and about some things that Robin said about witches being burned at the stake in Salem, Massachusetts. A few people corrected her saying that no one was burned but there were some people who were hanged.

  Howard read a bunch of mail from people who both love and hate Sal. He got some mail about the girl who was on the show yesterday showing off her new implants. Howard heard that she left there crying because they didn't like her music. Gary said that she was upset that Howard didn't like the music because he's her idol. He thinks that maybe she just didn't get enough sleep the night before. Howard said it just wasn't his cup of tea and his opinion shouldn't matter that much.

• ''Who's More Boring'' Poll. 05/12/05. 8:35am
  Howard had two clips, one of Mariah Carey on The Tonight Show and one of Leelee Sobieski on Craig Ferguson show. He was going to let the audience vote on who they think was the biggest moron. They had a poll set up on Howard's web site so everyone could vote. Howard played the first clip of Mariah talking about her catch phrases like ''Oh dear'' and ''Hot tamale.'' Howard then played the clip of Leelee Sobieski telling a dirty joke on Craig Ferguson's show. Both of the clips were boring and Howard was letting the audience vote for their least favorite. Artie wondered if they could vote on who was more boring between Jay Leno and Craig Ferguson.

  Howard played some clips from Sal the Stockbroker's hypnosis from earlier this week.. He played clips of Sal talking about the staff of the show and who he likes and doesn't like on the show.

  After that Howard took a call from a woman who said she went to see Cream over in England recently. She said that Eric Clapton kind of wimped out and didn't seem to be trying all that hard to play during the concert. Gary came in and said that Steve Leeds told him the same thing and it didn't seem like Clapton was into the whole thing.

  Howard said that Kathie Lee Gifford was on Tony Danza's show recently and brought him a bunch of gifts. Howard played some audio from the show where Tony talked about each of the gifts that she'd given him. Howard said that he could get angry listening to that stuff just like the Hulk. He's very glad that she's no longer on Regis' show. He was sick of seeing her on Letterman's show and he's pretty sure Letterman doesn't even have her on anymore. Howard said that Kathie Lee drives him crazy and he's not even sure why.

• Ten Minutes With King Of All Blacks. 05/12/05. 8:50am
  King of All Blacks (KingOfAllBlacks.com) called in and told Howard that he wasn't on the phone earlier because they have guys following him around. He was able to call from a secure area at this time so he gave Howard some advice on his relationship with Beth. He said that if Howard asked Beth to get married and she said yes, then it would prove that she was waiting to be asked. Howard said that he wakes up in the morning and never thinks ''Oh, I have to be married'' so that's the way things are going to stay. King thinks that she's pining away just waiting for Howard to ask her to marry him. King told Howard a joke that didn't make a lot of sense. He said something like ''Wesley Snipes is so black that if you rode him on your motorcycle at night, the cops would ticket you for tinted windows.'' Artie thought it was kind of funny but Howard didn't think it made sense because you don't have windows on a motorcycle. King asked why they had to analyze his jokes. King was also talking about how it seems that the darker skin a black guy has, the more white they act. Howard didn't think that was the case and argued with King about that for a few seconds. King didn't want to get off the line and told Howard that he was going to go nuts when he sees the new Audi A8. Howard said he's going to stick with the one he has but that led to King talking about the cars he'd like to have an how his father paid for his house. King said that he's going to work for 2 more years and then retire. He was talking about a $12,000 watch he saw the other day and how he's thinking about getting one. He'd have to pay for it on a payment plan though. He said none of his friends would be impressed by the watch because it didn't have any diamonds on it. He said he'd have to wear it in a white neighborhood for someone to recognize. Howard had to let King go because he had to take a commercial break. Howard and Artie were still talking about the Wesley Snipes joke that King told earlier. They were trying to make the joke work but it wasn't happening. Artie had changed the joke saying that ''Wesley Snipes is so black that he went to night school one time and the teacher marked him absent.'' or something to that effect. Howard said he liked that one a little more than King's joke. He went to commercial break a short time later.

• Comedian Doug Stanhope Visits. 05/12/05. 9:15am
  Howard came back from break and had Gary bring comedian Doug Stanhope (DougStanhope.com) in. Doug was there to sit in for the news. Howard also gave the results for the ''Most Boring'' poll they held earlier. He said that 35 percent of the votes were for LeeLee Sobieski. The other 65 percent were for Mariah Carey. Doug had no idea who Leelee Sobieski was or who Craig Ferguson was. Howard played Doug some tape from The Tonight Show when Leelee read some of her lame poetry to show him just how boring that chick is. Doug got a few laughs out of that. He said that would be the chick who would want to read something to you before having sex with you.

  Jeff the Drunk called in and said ''good morning'' which was a mistake. Howard and Artie wondered if it really was a good morning for Jeff. They did their impressions of the guy and goofed on the fact that he lives in a trailer with his mother among other things. Jeff stayed quiet through all of that and asked ''Are you guys done'' after they slowed down a bit. Howard and the guys continued to goof on Jeff for a couple more minutes. Jeff eventually said that he was kicked out of the Yankee game yesterday but he swears that he didn't do anything wrong while he was there. Jeff swears he was ''just sitting there'' and they threw him out. Howard said that they had to take the guy out of there in a wheelchair because he was so drunk. Artie had a similar problem when he was out in Las Vegas last year. He had to be taken back to his hotel room in a wheelchair.

  Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to help Howard design his Howard Stern Museum. Howard said he'd need a huge place because he wants to take Jeff the Drunk and his mother's trailer and put them in the museum. High Pitch Eric called in and said that it took 8 security guards to drag him out of the stadium. Since they had him on the line Gary asked him what happened yesterday because he didn't show up for his IQ test. Eric said that he was out the night before drinking so he couldn't get up. Gary thinks that he was too embarrassed to take the IQ test so he just didn't come in. Howard pointed out that the guy will come in and get naked and make out with a dude but he won't take an IQ test. Eric said he has a diploma and he'd fax it over to them if they wanted to see it. Richie from E! came in and said that Eric did confess that he used a calculator to figure out the math questions they asked him yesterday. Eric was able to answer a couple of math questions today without using the calculator though. Howard hung up on Eric when he started to plug something. He told him not to plug stuff if he can't show up for his scheduled appearances.

  Howard got back to Doug and gave him a plug for the Caroline's comedy club gig he has this weekend. He also asked him about his gig at SIRIUS. Doug said he's doing a late night show on the Raw Dawg Comedy channel (147) over there tonight. Howard asked Doug if he knows anything about what's going on with Dave Chappelle. Doug said he gets all of his information from Dave Attell so he's not sure what's going on with Chappelle. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about Chappelle and how much pressure the guy must be under with his show. Doug talked about his days working on The Man Show and how wacky things were over there. He said that he didn't really like working on the show and it showed on camera so they had to ask him to pretend like he was enjoying it.

  Robin brought up the whole Girls Gone Wild thing that Doug talked about recently with Joe Francis. Doug thanked Howard for that whole thing because he finally got paid some of the money he was owed. He said he got $15,000 after they aired all of their dirty laundry on the air. Howard played some of Doug's old material from his first CD that he thought was pretty funny. Doug said he doesn't do that material anymore because he'd probably bore himself doing it all the time. Howard said he thought it was funny so Doug thanked him for that. Howard had to go to break right after that.

• Tarick Salmaci From ''The Contender'' Begs For Votes. 05/12/05. 9:50am
  Howard came back from break and took a phone call from Double A who was at the baseball game with Jeff the Drunk and Irish John yesterday. He said that Jeff was yelling at women at the show and he was lying when he said he wasn't doing anything wrong while he was at the game. Double A also said that High Pitch Eric was eating constantly yesterday as well. Doug asked about Jeff the Drunk and what his back story was. Artie kind of knew about his life a little bit so he told Doug about how he lost the use of his arm and stuff like that. Howard let Double A go and took another call from a guy who was voted off of The Contender. He was asking Howard to help him get voted back on. The guy's name is Tarick Salmaci and he asked everyone to check out his web site Tarick.com and vote him back on the show. He said he only had 6 weeks to prepare for the fights before they shot the show. Tarick said he'd gotten out of the sport for a while because it was so dirty as far as the business side of it.

  Doug said that he and his mother were tripping out watching The Contender on Mother's Day. He said that he and his mother took the shrooms but it was a bummer to watch the show while they were on them. Doug said they also had his mother doing coke in the bathroom at The Improv down in West Palm Beach. He said that people just bring him that stuff at the comedy clubs. Tarick asked Howard if he was going to come to the finale of The Contender in Vegas. Howard said he didn't think he could do it because they have to work the next day but then he wondered why he's remaining so loyal to this company since they're not exactly treating him that well. He said they should just go to Vegas and take a few days off. Howard told Tarick that he'd try to help him out and let him get in another plug for his web site where you can find out more about the vote.

  Doug and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about ''The Contender'' and how much they like the show. Howard was also talking about how surprised he is when he sees the women that some of these guys are married to. Tarick told Howard that his wife is hot though. He said you can see pictures on his web site. Howard let him go after that and took a call from Ralph. Ralph was also talking about how nasty looking some of those guy's wives are on that show. Ralph was goofing on how some of those fighters cry on that show like girls. Howard wrapped up with Ralph and asked Robin to start her news.

  Robin mentioned some pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie that were in the paper today. She said they looked way too skinny to her but Howard and Doug said they like women that look that thin. Howard had to take another break after that.

• And Finally... 05/12/05. 10:20am
  Howard came back from break and played some porn clips before Robin started her news. He gave Doug Stanhope another plug for his Carolines gig too. Doug talked a little more about how his mother likes to try new things so that's why she's tried mushrooms and coke in her late 50's. Howard said he can't imagine his mother asking to try that stuff. Howard mentioned that Doug is already over at SIRIUS but Doug said he's just on tonight and tomorrow night. He doesn't get paid over there yet and he's not even sure who the boss is. He said when he asks them questions they always send him over to Howard to find out about a job.

  Howard said there's a bunch of great video clips on the web. He saw one recently where this woman is bad mouthing her boss at a Christmas party while her boss is standing right behind her. Richie from E! came in and said that clip is available on ABum.com. Howard said he saw another clip where this guy was going around insulting people on the street while he was carrying a video camera. At one point he insults this woman and the woman's husband just calmly punches the guy and knocks him on his ass. Howard wasn't sure where he saw that one though. Howard ended the show around 11:00am.

• Mash Ups. 05/13/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Dennis Rodman crying at a press conference, Train performing a cover of Led Zeppelin's ''Ramble On'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show with some Taylor Rain moaning ''Oh Yeah'' clips and some other audio clips from some porn movies. That led to the guys talking about these ''Mash Up'' songs that radio stations are throwing together for the air. He played a new one where they took some Lynrd Skynrd and mixed it with a Nelly song. Artie said that he kind of likes it for some reason. Howard doesn't like it and said it sounds like Nelly is just singing over some good music and you expect to hear someone sing ''Sweet home Alabama...'' Robin said when she hears it, she wants someone to turn the station to the right channel because it sounds like two stations mixed together. Artie was talking about this guy DJ Adam who he's heard playing this kind of stuff. Howard played another mash-up song that he kind of liked. Gary came in and said that he heard a Nine Inch Nails song this morning that was mashed up with a rap song. Howard and the guys talked about DJ Adam who apparently used to be obese but had his stomach stapled and lost a bunch of weight. He's dating Nicole Richie now. Howard wondered how the guy looks when he's naked if he used to be fat. Howard ended up talking about tummy tucks and how they tend to look pretty bad from what he's seen. Women will end up with a giant scar when they have them done according to Howard.

  Howard mentioned that they're holding the Blind Beauty Pageant next week. They're going to have a bunch of blind women competing in the pageant. He changed subjects and brought up the fact that this retaining wall collapsed onto the Henry Hudson Highway yesterday. Howard said he takes that highway to Long Island but he gets on the road a little past where it happened. That one problem is causing major issues in the area though.

• Howard's Anniversary And Remembering His Radio History. 05/13/05. 6:10am
  Yesterday Howard and Beth celebrated their 5th anniversary of being together. She cooked him a meal to celebrate. Howard talked about how difficult he is to be with and he really appreciates that she's stayed with him so long. Howard went out and bought her something nice at Barneys. Artie mentioned that he's been appearing on the show for just over 4 years now. He said that he started appearing on May 7th 4 years ago. Howard told him he's doing a good job too. He asked Fred when he joined the show but he wasn't sure exactly what the date was but it was probably October of 1981 or 1982.

  Howard spent a short time talking about what a mess he was mentally after finishing up college. He wanted to be on radio when he was in college and when he got out he hadn't had any jobs in the business. He had no clue about what to do. He got himself a suit and filled his briefcase with resumes and tried to find a job. He even cut his long hair. He went to a progressive radio station called WNTN and got a job immediately. He got on the air a couple of times and he was told he was going to get paid a certain amount. Payday came and he was told he wasn't going to get paid because he was horrible on the air. The station had no money and the guy running the station sucked as well. The guy actually aired the F-word one Sunday morning and the guy turned himself in and begged for mercy with the FCC even though there were no complaints filed. Howard decided that he was going to keep working there but all of his dignity was gone so he just left. He figured that he still didn't have a chance in the business. He decided to go up to Maine to give it a try up there instead. Howard said that he was turned down for a job up there at another progressive radio station. The guy up there said that he would contact WBCN in Boston. Howard went there and gave them a copy of his air check. Howard remembers his voice sounding very froggy back then and how tough it was for him to talk. He doesn't know what he was thinking back then and he must have been out of his friggin mind. The guys at WBCN didn't hire him so he went over to another station, WCOZ, and tried to get a job there. He gave them his air check and they told him to call back the next day. Howard said they wouldn't even take his calls the next day. He was dejected so he went to another place in Pittsfield, Massachusetts. He figured he could get a job there but they had nothing for him there either.

  Howard eventually went to visit his sister and started to wonder if he'd ever be able to have a kid like his sister had. He was in Altoona, Pennsylvania and got a couple of air shifts but the guy didn't hire him there either. Howard figured his tape must have been like that tape in the movie ''The Ring'' and if you watch it, it'll ruin you. The program director at WRNW in New York got a copy of Howard's air check and decided to hire him. He was put on from 10 to 2 at night because the guy figured Howard would show up for work. Howard ended up turning down the job because he was intimidated by the other DJs who were on the station. This guy Harris Allen got the job instead of Howard and Howard figured that guy deserved it more than he did. Howard said he really didn't have jobs when he was in college so he had no experience to put down on his resume. Howard said he was in Key Club when he was in high school and he'd put that on his resume. He figures that he was allowed into that club because they needed some dope to go out and do volunteer work that no one else wanted to do. Howard turned out to be the pecker head that everyone else forced to do stuff.

  Howard said he was walking around New York City trying to find a job. He said he'd look at an ad that said ''Self starters wanted, no losers need apply'' and he'd figure that job wasn't for him. Howard's father would even point that out to him. He eventually found a job that was an assistant buyer at Bloomingdales. He figured he could get that job because they were offering training. While he was talking about that he got a call from Dave who told him he didn't want to hear Howard's autobiography. Dave said that everyone has read his book already so they don't need to hear this stuff. Howard said he didn't include this stuff in his book. Gary came in and said that this stuff is fascinating and he should keep going. He said that if this guy doesn't like what he's hearing, he should turn off the radio. Howard said he had to take a break after that but he went on to talk about how he tried to get a job working in the movies. Nothing was working out.

  Howard said he was approached by a bunch of guys in a car one day and they told him to come to a meeting they were having. They turned out to be Amway guys. He said it was so depressing to go through all of this stuff. He said he eventually went in for an ad sales job and got hired. He lied about his math skills but he got the job. He was told what to do but got overwhelmed with it all. He figured he was doomed once he got all of these assignments from his boss. He was working long hours and trying to get all of this stuff figured out. He just wanted to get a job doing something creative. His boss liked that he was working the long hours even though he wasn't doing a great job. Howard was miserable doing what he was doing and he knew he was doomed.

  Howard said his father knew a guy over at WKTU so he hooked him up with that guy. Howard went into the city and he knew the guy didn't want to meet with him. The guy told him that he couldn't give him a job as a salesman but he'd keep him in mind for a job as a DJ. The guy hooked him up with the program director and he heard from that guy that he was horrible and they weren't going to hire him. Howard called in a favor to another guy, Roy Eaton, who worked for the same company he was already working for. He ended up quitting his job at the company and the same day he got a call where he was told he was going to be hired to work in the film division of the same company. Once they found out that he'd just quit his other job with no notice, they fired him from the new job. Howard had to apologize to this guy Roy who helped him get the job.

  Howard said that he found a job in the paper and went in for an interview. He saw this guy putting perfume under his arm pits when he went in for this interview. He said the guy was willing to hire him for this sales job. He said he went in to quit shortly after he started the job and the office was being raided by the cops. He had to go back to this Chinese food place and try to explain to him why he was suggesting that he not advertise on radio. Howard said he was ready to crawl back into his mother's womb after all of this stuff happened. His wife suggested that he call the guy who offered him a job at WRNW. He took the job. He was really nervous on his first day and ended up locking up the board. He had to call the guy on his only day off so the guy hung up on him. He had to call the engineer to help him out and the whole show was a disaster. He said the program director was going to fire him because of that and it's a miracle that Howard is sitting where he is today. He said that was his first real job in radio and it was in 1977. He had to go to break since he'd been on the air for over 50 minute straight.

• Even More Howard Stern Job History. 05/13/05. 7:05am
  After the break they played a promo where they asked for anyone who had been raped by Jimmy Kimmel to give them a call if they wanted to be on the show. They were joking of course. Howard went on to take some phone calls after that. A woman called in and said that she was laughing her ass off listening to his stories earlier because everyone goes through that kind of nightmare when they're looking for a job. Howard said that's the reason so many women get into stripping these days. Another caller said that he's been listening to Howard for 12 years and the stories he was telling were very interesting. Howard said it just takes one negative phone call for him to switch gears. The caller told Howard that it's obvious that he's tried very hard in his career. Gary asked Howard if he would have stuck to some other kind of job if he'd gotten paid really well. Howard isn't sure what he would have done. He talked about how he stuck out the poor paying radio jobs because that's what he wanted to do.

  Artie told a story about how he got a job as a carpenter after his uncle told the place that he was a carpenter. Artie was supposed to have experience and was asked to build some headers. Artie didn't know how to make one so he walked around smoking a cigarette, wondering how to tell the guy he didn't know how to do it. He eventually told him and was asked not to come back the next day. Gary said he had a teacher that told them to tell people that they could do any job they're asked to do even if they have no experience.

  Howard took a call from a woman who asked if Howard was going to finish his story. Howard said she was listening to the end, he's on the air and he's one of the top morning radio guys.

  Howard told a few more stories about how tough it was working in the business when he first started out. He sucked on the air and he was always screwing things up. He even tried working a job as a club DJ but that didn't work out either. He remembers hearing about the job and how it was paying really well. He took the job and tried to do it but, once again, he sucked. He was playing the same music they were playing on his radio station instead of dance music. He only lasted about 3 weeks doing that one night a week job. He admits that he didn't get better, he got worse as time went along.

  Artie shared another story about a carpenter job he had. He said that this carpenter guy asked him to put up a post and he didn't know what to do so the guy kept calling him a mother f'er since he didn't have a clue about what to do. Howard said he had an audition one time for a guy who wanted to hear him do something live instead of something on tape. Howard said he told a joke about how Stevie Wonder's favorite color was corduroy. He said that he didn't get that job because he sucked once again. He kept pushing to try and get a job at that place because he really wanted to get in there.

  Howard got sidetracked and talked about how he would love to put out a DVD version of his movie because he has a bunch of out takes and stuff he'd like to show people. There was one scene that they took out of the movie as well that was pretty funny and based on something that really happened at this motel he was staying at. Howard said that Paramount must have enough money because they don't want to work with him on a DVD like that.

  Howard said he met Fred at WCCC in Hartford. Fred was the overnight guy there. He said that he thought Howard was really good at the time but Howard thought he sucked. He said he didn't really get good until he moved to the station he's working at now. He got that job in 1986. Gary told Howard he thought he was great when he was at WNBC but Howard didn't seem to agree. Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he knew that people were going to complain about the stories he was telling but he was enjoying them. The guy said that the stories are similar to what's going on with his life trying to get a job as an actor. Howard said that he knows that his oldest daughter is going to have to go through this kind of stuff as well now that she's out of college. Howard suggested to the caller that he should just go out and get a regular job instead of trying to be an actor. The caller said that Howard's stories were inspiring and he wasn't going to give up on his dreams.

  Howard took a phone call from this guy Sour Shoes who said that he's amazed at how long Howard has been in the business. He didn't think that Howard's delivery was all that great. The guy also said that it seems that Howard and Fred have been on the air, other than vacations, for 20 some years without missing a day. Howard said that Fred has missed a day or so over the years. He told a story about he and Fred going to look at a room for Fred to stay in. The room was really bad and the guys who owned the house hated Fred. Fred was telling a story about how one guy would play this one song really loud all the time and he'd ask him to turn it down constantly but the guy never listened to him. Howard said that Fred failed to show up to work one day. At the next day of work he found out that Fred had just gotten in his car and drove around because he couldn't go back to the apartment he was living in. Howard talked about Fred always sitting home and not going out with anyone for the longest time.

  Robin remembered getting invited to a party at Charlie Rose's place one time and there was no food to eat so they all went out to Roy Rogers instead. Sour Shoes is this guy who stands out on the street and plays just about any song you can imagine. Howard had him play a couple of songs for him while he was on the phone. Artie asked him to play The Ramones ''Sedated'' so he quickly went into that. Fred wanted to request a song but Howard had already hung up on the guy because he had to take a break.

• Robin And Gary Can't Sing. 05/13/05. 7:55am
  Coming out of break Howard said that today is the day for the ''From a Lard Ass to a Hard Ass'' contest. He said they're going to have 6 women walk in and only 3 were going to be picked to be part of the weight loss contest. He changed subjects and said that someone called in and said that they're going to have to replace Paula Abdul on ''American Idol'' because of what happened with Corey Clark. Howard said that Robin would make a good replacement according to this woman who called in. The woman, Lauren, said that there are bumper stickers being made. Gary said that they need to get someone like Taylor Dayne or someone like that. Someone who is just like Paula. Howard jokingly said that Robin was a one hit wonder back in 1977 and played some of her karaoke performances to show how bad she is at singing.

  Howard mentioned that he's looking for a hair product that he can't find. He's trying to find Redkins Smart Wax and he can't find it anywhere for some reason. He said it's great for people with curly hair. Fred found one of Robin's karaoke performances where she sang a Sheryl Crow song. It was just horrible and Howard told her that she could be a judge on American Idol. Captain Janks called in and sid that Debbie Gibson would be a good judge on that show too. She was a star back when Paula was a star. Robin said that they did a kids version of American Idol and Debbie was on that show. It didn't last very long though. Janks also volunteered to be a judge on the show himself. Howard let him go after that. Fred then pulled out some of Gary's karaoke performances to show how bad he is at singing. Gary and Robin both admit they can't sing.

  Howard said that a guy came up to him and brought up their conversations about Teri Hatcher. The guy told Howard that ''Women are like dog crap, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up.'' Howard seemed to think that was kind of funny. He went on to talk about how he read that David Lee Roth is going through Army medical technician training for some reason. The guys said that David Lee has enough money that he doesn't have to go through that stuff because he's got to have a ton of money.

• The ''Not So Hot'' Lists. 05/13/05. 8:05am
  Howard said they came up with this little game to play. The guys came up with lists of women that they think are ugly even though they've been portrayed as being hot by the media. Here are Gary and Fred's lists. Howard bailed out on the whole thing after those two lists because he seemed bored by it all.
  • Gary's list:
    • Lil Kim
    • Courtney Love
    • Chloe Sevigne
    • Ashlee Simpson
    • Ellen Degeneres
    • Miam Bialic
    • Cameron Manheim
    • Aieta Turturo
    • Star Jones
    • Rosie O'Donnell
  • Fred's list:
    • Tori Spelling
    • Joan Cusack
    • Lisa Kudrow
    • Sarah Jessica Parker
    • Fantasia Barino
    • Linda Lopez
    • Tyne Daly
    • Star Jones
    • Lilly Taylor
    • Amanda Plumber
  Vinnie Favale called in, on his awful cell phone, and talked about the old days when Howard was on WNBC. He said that he remembers when Howard would eat huge meals in the commissary at NBC when he was there. Howard got him off the line and said that his story wasn't interesting. He took a call from Ralph who had a list of ugly chicks. First he brought up this hot news woman Liz Cho that's on a local station there in New York. Howard and Ralph talked about how hot she looks and how great a body she has. Ralph gave his list of women that he thinks were never hot...
  • Britney Spears
  • Ashlee Simpson
  • Tara Reid
  • Jennifer Garner
  • Melania Knauss-Trump
  • Julia Roberts
  • Kirsten Dunst
  • Natalie Portman
  Dominic asked for everyone to give Cabbie a prayer today because he's going in for sentencing at 2 o'clock this afternoon. Howard wished the guy luck because he really likes the guy. Howard let Dominic go after that. He spent a few more minutes with Ralph before getting him off the line. He asked Ralph to turn out the light in his closet when he leaves his apartment. He then had to take a break before getting to the contest.

• E-Mail Plus Sal And Robin Argue. 05/13/05. 8:30am
  After the break Howard read through some e-mail that they've gotten lately. One person asked Howard if it was true that there will be a Scores opening in Las Vegas. Gary said that it's true and they want him to appear at the opening. He didn't give a date for when that will happen. There was some mail about Gary's weight gain. Gary said he's had a few extra pounds on himself for months now and he doesn't know why Fred is putting that mail in there. Fred said people see the E! show and they start e-mailing about that stuff. Ronnie came in and told the guys that the new Scores Las Vegas should be opening at the end of June or early July. He didn't want to give too many details for some reason. Ronnie was starting to leave when Howard started to pick on him. Ronnie wondered what was wrong with Howard and why he was picking on him. Howard was goofing on him about how he pretends to be in the strip club business. Mike Gange came in and said that Ronnie really does do that because he handed out one of his Scores cards to a couple of girls who were on the show recently. Ronnie said he just enjoys going to Scores and they're his friends over there. Gary asked him if he would hang out with those guys if they were just hanging out playing badminton. Ronnie went off on Howard and Gary about their picking on him for a short time. He eventually left so Howard could get back to the mail.

  Howard read a couple more e-mails about Gary's weight gain. There was also an e-mail about Benjy playing the part of a retarded boy on a PBS special about hot dogs on the streets of New York. Benjy broke into the retard character when the cameras came up to him and at least one person thought he was a dick for doing that. Howard read some other e-mails about Artie's grammar and some mail about the Counting Crows song they played on the show the other day. People would like Howard to post that stuff on his web site but he can't do that.

  Howard got some mail about a joke that Artie told during the show yesterday and people were calling him a thief because it wasn't an original. Artie said of course it wasn't his joke and he never said it was. Howard got a bunch of mail about Sal the Stockbroker. Quite a few people think that he's the worst thing for Howard's show. Gary said that he heard that Robin and Sal aren't talking since Sal said some negative things about her. Robin said that she decided that they should stick to just talking about work since Sal doesn't seem to like her. Sal came in a minute later and said that he tried to pass a note to Robin through Scott the Engineer and Robin wouldn't read it. Gary said that Sal feels really bad about it. Sal said that just one thing he said got him in big trouble with Robin for some reason. He said that she can sit there and goof on him and he doesn't get mad at her. Howard cut Sal and Robin off trying to move on to the contest but they kept arguing with each other.

• ''From A Lard Ass To A Hard Ass'' Contest Begins. 05/13/05. 8:50am
  Howard said they've picked six women to come in today to compete for the final three in their ''From a Lard Ass to a Hard Ass'' contest. Howard checked out all six of the women who came in and said that all six of them could be in the final 3. The final 3 are going to go through a Bally Total Fitness diet and work out for a few months and will be competing for a $10,000 grand prize. Howard introduced the first girl, Kim, and took a look at her. He said that she considers herself an 8 right now. Her face looks great but her body is a little bit ''thick.'' Howard guessed at her breast size and got it right when he said it was a B-cup. She's 31 years old but the guys said she looks younger. Kim says that people tell her that she looks like Alicia Silverstone when she was hot. She said she eats a lot of wine, cheese and bread so she does have a few extra pounds.

  Howard checked out Jen Cooper next. She was also a little heavy but she had a great face according to Howard. Jen said she sits at a desk all day as a bill collector so she doesn't get any exercise. She wants to lose 25 pounds. Jen said she used to be a dancer and could keep the weight off but now she sits around all day. Howard said that all of these women make him angry because he works so hard at staying thin.

  Next up was Kyra. Howard said that maybe a 10-15 pound weight loss would make her a 10. He liked her look and found out that she's been in school and doesn't have much time to work out. She eats Taco Bell fast food and that doesn't help. Howard said that if they choose her, she has to come up with some time to work out. She said she could do that. Kyra also said that she was in shape just a year ago and she thinks she could do it again.

  The next woman was Telida. She said she thinks she needs to lose 10 to 15 pounds. Howard said she just heeds a little bit of work and she'd look great. He found out that she has a boyfriend and she used to be 15 pounds lighter. She loves deserts like chocolates and stuff. Howard quickly moved on to Nikki who also needs to lose about 15 pounds. Nikki said she needs to lose 20. She's also got a boyfriend. Howard told her that she was a 7 or an 8 already. She works as a model and a bartender. Howard moved on to Leah who had some big boobs according to Howard. She said that they're real but she's not that happy about having them so big. She said she used to be an athlete but the boobs get in the way. Howard told her that they're a major asset and she shouldn't feel bad about having them. She thinks that she could lose just 10 pounds and she'd look much better.

  Howard already had his three women picked out. Gary did as well. No one was sure how they were going to pick the final 3 though. Howard wanted to write down the names he wanted to be in the final 3 and have someone add up the scores and then announce the winners. They just blurted out their names instead. Here are each of the judges picks for who they want in the contest:

  • Robin: Kim, Kyra and Leah
  • Howard: Kim, Kyra and Leah
  • Gary: Kyra, Telida and Leah
  • Fred: Kim, Telida and Leah
  • Artie: Kyra, Telida, Leah
  Leah was definitely in the contest. She said that she weighs about 150 pounds right now. Howard was surprised by that and had her stand on the scale to find out how much she weighed. She was at 147 pounds. Howard said they have to get her in the 120s. Kyra was also in the contest so she hopped on the scale and hit 130. There was a tie for third place so the guys has to pick from Kim or Telida. Kim said that she has to go from 150 pounds and she thinks that she can make quite a difference if she does lose a few pounds. Gary picked Kim for this final round because she seemed to be a bit more motivated. Howard said that Kim is also the one who could make a big difference. Fred and Artie picked Telida again so it was up to Robin to make the final choice. She picked Telida and she was the final contestant. Howard said that he should override all of their votes but he wasn't going to do that. Gary said he could also have all four women enter the contest. Howard decided to go that way.

  Gange told Howard they didn't weigh the final two so they threw Kim on the scale. She came in at 149 pounds and Telida came in at 146. Tom came in and said that Ballys would give them a fourth trainer no problem. Howard said that the girls are going to be working out for 3 months at Ballys and they'll pick a winner when they're all done. Gary seems to think that Leah has the best shot at sculpting her body. Howard agreed with Gary and thinks that she can pull it off. Howard told the girls that they're really going to have to work their asses off for this contest. Even Leah is going to have to work hard on this contest to get herself looking good. Gary predicts that they will all have dumped their girlfriends by the time the contest is over.

  Howard took a call from Ralph who said he had a couple of thought on the contest. He said that he thinks that Leah will give up on the contest half way through. He said she has no concept on how much weight she needs to lose. Ralph also said that he thinks that the Brazilian chick (Telida) is going to blow back up just like Gary did after he lost weight. Gary said he was going to play along with the girls and try to get back into shape himself. Howard wrapped up after that and went to break.

• The Mike Walker Gossip Game. 05/13/05. 9:25am
  Howard came back from a break and played a new prank call that they made with ''Wood Yi'' (Steve the Engineer). Wood Yi called a tire store and cursed out the guy who answered the phone. Wood Yi never deviated from his monotone delivery which seemed to piss off the guy on the other end of the phone even more.

  Howard got Mike Walker on the phone so they could play his weekly Gossip Game. Mike told Howard that he got an invitation to Beth's FHM magazine party that's coming up soon. He said that Beth looks great on the cover and he's going to try and make it to the party. He said he's out of town right now but he will try to make it back for the party. Howard had Mike start his game right after that. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:

  1. Kimberly Stewart thought she was going to be replacing Nicole Richie on ''The Simple Life'' with Paris Hilton but she learned that Paris had a lot of demands about her wardrobe and wanted to be able to rewrite her dialog. Kimberly backed out of the whole deal.
  2. Ellen Degeneres was at an L.A. Party and took a few sample bites from some chocolates that were in a candy dish. She ended up putting the candies back in the bowl with the bite side turned down so no one would see them.
  3. Debra Messing was walking through a casino when she took a couple of quarters out and plopped them into a slot machine. She ended up hitting a $10,000 jackpot on the one spin. She says she's going to donate the money to charity.
  4. Patricia Heaton was on jury duty for a case that was so boring that she fell asleep while it was going on. She was awakened and warned that if she did it again, she'd be charged with contempt. After that she was able to stay awake no problem.
  Howard picked story 4 as the fake one while Robin, Fred and Artie all picked story 2. The actual false story was number four. Howard wrapped up with Mike after the game and took a commercial break.

• And Finally... 05/13/05. 9:50am
  After the break Howard said he wanted to give a shout out to Colt 40Feinberg who has a job doing voices on the new cartoon ''American Dad.'' Howard said the guy is doing the voice of a terrorist or something like that.

  Howard took a call from a guy who asked him if he would advise his daughters to stay out of the radio business or not. Howard said he would recommend them getting into the business if they wanted to. He said that he'd recommend satellite over regular radio though because he thinks that satellite is the future. The caller wanted to play a game but Howard didn't have any to play so he hung up on the guy and had Robin start her news.

  During the news Howard took a call from model Aspen Lea who was on the show recently turning cards for a High Low game they played. Aspen refused to get topless for them when she was in but she's had second thoughts about it. She called in to ask if she could come back on the show and get topless for them so they could hook her up with Playboy magazine. Howard said they'd think about it and get back to her. He had Robin get back to her news.

  Beetlejuice called in during the news to promote the big Beetle Bash (JollyDwarf.com) thing they're doing this weekend. Sean, Beet's manager, got on the line and got in some plugs since Beet didn't know what to say. Howard ended up talking to Sean about his recent arrest. Sean said that he got in trouble for having a gram of coke in his pocket when he was down in Florida. He never showed up for court so he ended up getting arrested yesterday when his wife got pulled over for speeding. Sean said that having drugs slipped into your pocket happens all the time. Artie agreed with him and said that's happened to him in the past as well.

  Howard let Sean go and then played a new clip from a porn movie where you hear a lot of gagging going on between two guys. Richard Christy had just given it to him. He wasn't sure how Richard found that clip though. Howard also took a call from a guy who had just seen Beth on the local FOX news channel being interviewed. He said that Beth plugged SIRIUS while she was on. Howard said she's been doing that in just about every interview she's been doing lately. He isn't asking her to do it either, she does it on her own.

  Howard spent a few minutes talking about some links that Vinnie Favale from CBS sent him about this guy Officer Joe Bolton who he used to watch on TV when he was a kid. Howard kept thinking about that guy when Robin would do a story about this guy Joe Bolton who wants to be the American Ambassador. He said he learned quite a bit about Bolton and talked about some of the stuff he learned. Vinnie called in while he was talking about it and said that he thought that guy was a real cop even though he was just playing a character on TV. Howard spent a minute with him before hanging up on him. Robin finished up her news after that and they ended the show around 10:30am.