For the week of 04/11/2005 to 04/15/2005

• Howard Sick With A Cold. 04/11/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Jim Florentine on Crank Yankers as Bobby Fletcher prank call about a job, Sting performing a medley of songs, Walking On The Moon, Roxanne and Message in a Bottle, live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show talking about the cold he had. He said he almost didn't come in this morning but he has this weird thing where he feels like he has to come to work. He had a crappy weekend because he was sick the whole time. A couple of weeks back he had problems with this teeth and now he has a bad sore throat and a cough. He said he'll try to stay the whole time but he's not sure if he'll make it through the whole show. Donald Trump and Lil John are coming in plus they'll be doing a ''Win Fred's Money'' game later in the morning. Howard said he was ready to go home after announcing that.

• Artie And Howard's Weekends Discussed. 04/11/05. 6:10am
  Artie told Howard and Robin about how great The Eagles concert was on Friday night. He said that Joe Walsh stole the show when he performed his songs were are really rocking. Gary also went and said that Joe really did steal the show because he's so great. He said that Joe was running all over the stage while the rest of the guys just kind of stand around.

  Howard went to a party that Fran Drescher threw on Friday. He didn't want to get involved in the whole hassle of getting to the concert and back. Howard said that Fran had a lot of photographers at her party so he had his picture taken 10 million times. Howard met Fran's cousin who apparently sounds just like Fran with the whiny voice. He thought about what it would be like to date someone like that. The party was held at this club called Cain. Howard was put in a corner so no one would bother him but he didn't want to be roped off from the rest of the people so he ended up walking around. He met this woman Denise Rich who apparently has a lot of money. He also ran into Chevy Chase's daughter who was very nice and nice looking. He said that her dad really did like Howard when they were going through their battle years ago. Howard said she'd be a great catch because she's got a lot of money. Fred told Howard that Chevy is related to this guy who created the Crain toilets so the family has a lot of money. Howard said that everyone at Fran's party was rich. He saw Kelly Ripa and her husband there at the party and Kelly's husband is a little tiny guy. Artie said the guy is a big fan of the show. He played softball with him one time. Howard said he met Mario Cantone who was there at the party. Mario is scheduled to come on the show sometime soon. Howard also met Mario's partner of 14 years. Artie said that Mario is a good guy. Howard thinks that Mario was mad at him for years because he used to tell kids not to watch his show ''Steampipe Alley.'' Dan Aykroyd was also at the party but Howard didn't get a chance to talk to him.

  A listener called in and asked Howard when he became such a bore talking about this stuff. He said that the average man can't relate to these parties and the rich people he's hanging out with. The caller also said that he doesn't listen all the time, he just surfs the radio stations and noticed that Howard has become a bore. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy. He also apologized for his voice this morning because he was so worn out.

  Howard was reading an article in Friday Morning Quarterback where there was a guy from Saga Communications talking about his move to Sirius. The guy apparently looked pretty goofy in the picture they had with the article. Howard goofed on him about that and then read the article. This guy, Ed Christian, was talking about how Howard is in his 50s and listening to him is like going to a strip club with your dad. Ed said that Howard's act just doesn't play anymore either and this is his last bite at a career. Howard said that the guy isn't making much sense because there are other guys out there who are even older working on the radio. The guy was also raising Howard's age up to 60 in the interview even though he's only 51. Gary came in and said they found an article where that same guy says that he's canceling any show that is broadcast on his station and on satellite. Gary thinks the guy is just running scared. Howard had to take a break after that.

• MSNBC Reports False Information About Howard. 04/11/05. 6:35am
  After the break Howard played a prank call that High Pitch Eric made to a doctor who was going to help him lose weight. In the call Eric keeps eating food and making all kinds of noise while he spoke to the doctor. The doctor hangs up after Eric asks him if he can eat his hot dog.

  Howard said that MSNBC ran a report over the weekend about Steven Tyler being involved with Channel beauty products but they're also using Howard's name in the report like he has something to do with it. They claim that Howard Stern is into the products they have but Howard has never said that he uses their stuff. Howard said that they're lying about him in the newscast and giving them an endorsement for something he doesn't use. They were also basically saying that Howard is ugly in the ad so they were screwing him over in many ways. Howard said he doesn't even know what a body wash is and he wouldn't use any of the other stuff they mentioned in the report. It really pisses him off because he doesn't use that stuff. Gary told Howard that he has to have his agent call them and demand a retraction of that story. Sal the Stockbroker came in and said that he doesn't use that stuff either, he uses Saphora or Christian Diore products. Sal said he uses stuff to cover up blemishes so he looks good. He said he used to get called ''Racoon Boy'' when he was a kid because of dark circles under his eyes. Robin was laughing hysterically when she heard that and Gary said he knows what that's like. She said she was trying to picture the circles under his eyes and it was making her laugh.

• Artie Like A Rock Star At The Eagles Concert. 04/11/05. 6:45am
  Gary said he was at The Eagles concert on Friday and saw Artie hanging out there and he was a like a rock star because so many people were coming up to him and bugging him. People were handing him their phones and asking him to talk to their friends and stuff. Howard said he had a guy come up to him one day recently and asked him to talk to someone he had on the phone. He turned down the offer because he has no desire to talk to a stranger while he's out doing stuff with his family. Howard said he was being nice to the dude but he wasn't going to go that far. Robin said that she has done stuff like that because it's easier not to embarrass the person. Howard said he can't imagine walking up to someone and asking them to talk to someone he has on the phone. Artie said people will ask him to leave their outgoing message on their answering machine. The guys also talked about how the camera phones are crazy too because people will pull out their cell phone and start taking pictures with them. Gary said that people carry around digital cameras like that as well and will just whip them out and start taking pictures. Howard said he will use the cell phone to take pictures if there are hot chicks out somewhere. He did that while he was at a pool last year. He snapped a shot and e-mailed it to his buddy Ross.

  Howard said that he and Beth tried to make a porno yesterday but it wasn't so easy. He took his video camera and did it ''Tommy Lee'' style. Howard said he immediately destroyed the tape after shooting it though. He said they were trying to fool around even though he was feeling pretty sick. Howard said that his dog was licking his leg while they were having sex and he was afraid they'd get into trouble if the tape got out. Howard also said he didn't like the way his private parts looked on tape. He told Beth that he had to destroy the tape because of that. Howard said he burned the tape after. He first taped over the whole thing and then smashed the tape and put it through a paper shredder just to make sure no one can see it. He said it was great... a great failure. He said his apartment was too bright and you could see every vein and it was ''very human'' plus the sounds were weird. They tried to watch it after they shot it but he couldn't make it through it.

• Tom Wonders How Howard Got His Cold. 04/11/05. 6:55am
  Howard said that Tom Chiusano came in and asked him how he got his cold. Howard didn't know how to answer him and didn't want to talk because he was trying to save his voice. Howard goofed on Tom about that a little bit and Tom said he was just trying to find out if he did something strange to get the cold. Howard talked about how he went down to Florida last weekend and two if his kids were sick and his father was sick so it may have come from that. Howard asked Tom how he got his cancer, not expecting an answer. Tom said that he's pretty sure it was from sitting out in the sun without protection. Tom told Howard that he had a mole removed about 13 years ago because it changed color and shape. They took it out and told him it was melanoma. He went to a Sloan Kettering... Howard interrupted him and told the guys how he went to the dentist on Friday and now has to sleep with a piece of plastic in his mouth. He let Tom get back to the cancer story. He said that they got the cancer back 13 years ago but it came back 7 years later as a tumor. That's when he had to go through cancer treatments to get rid of that. Gary said that Tom is the sun tan lotion police during the summer. He advises people to wear their sun protection because of what he's gone through.

  Tom said that his son's wedding went great. Howard asked him if he cried at the wedding. Tom said he did so Howard quickly mumbled ''faggot'' which made Artie laugh pretty hard. Tom spent a minute talking about that. Howard seems to think the kid got married too soon even though he's 27 years old. He said there's still time for an annulment. He went to break after that.

• Win Fred's Money With Steve And Shayna. 04/11/05. 7:15am
  Bong Hit Bill called in and asked Artie how The Eagles show was because he's going tonight. Artie told him he'll love it, they were great. Howard took another call from a guy who goofed on him about his complaining about people taking his picture. The guy also told Howard that he has Dish network and they have Sirius channels available on the service. Howard said he doesn't know all of the details about stuff like that and when people ask him about it, he has no answer for them. He just wants to go over there and get on the microphone and talk. He doesn't care about the orbit of the satellite or anything like that.

  Howard moved on to play Win Fred's Money. They had a guy and a hot chick in the studio to get naked just in case the guy loses the game. Howard spoke to the woman for a minute and said that she's got pretty big breasts. She's 32 years old and she thinks that her friend is going to win against Fred. Howard told the guy to throw the game because he wants to see this chick naked. Howard said the woman must get stopped a lot with those breasts. She said that she paid for perfection so they're not real. Howard told her they look nice through the clothes and wondered how they look when she's naked. She said they look pretty real to her. She had to go from a AA-cup to a D so Howard said he was afraid they'd look stretched out. The woman said she works at a doctor's office but also sings and plays guitar. Howard said she must not be that good if she hasn't been discovered yet. She said that she just finished recording her own CD. Howard wanted to hear some of her stuff so she said she was going to play but she didn't say if she would do it naked or not. Howard asked to turn around to show them her ass so she did that quickly.

  Howard said there's $10,000 up for grabs courtesy of GoToGoldenPalace.com. He spoke to the guy, Steve, and found out he's passed the Jeopardy test to get on that show but he's never been on the show. He also claims to have an IQ of 138 and he graduated from Penn State. Howard said that's not that great of a college because even his sister went there. The woman's name was Shayna. She had a web site she plugged (ShaynaMania.com) before she stripped down behind the curtain they had in the studio. If Steve loses, the curtain drops and the guys get to see her naked. Howard moved on to the seven questions a short time later. Here are the questions and the correct answers:

  1. CL is the chemical symbol for what? - Chlorine
  2. Bill Monroe is credited for inventing what type of music? - Blue Grass
  3. Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. were killed during whose administration? - Johnson
  4. How many valves does a trumpet have? - Three
  5. Jewish holidays are started at what time of day? - Sundown
  6. In what TV police series did Johnny Depp appear? - 21 Jump Street
  7. What is the capital of Alaska - Juno
  Steve ended up getting 6 correct in 30 seconds, Fred came in and got 6 correct in 32 seconds. It was a tie except for the time. Howard asked Shayna if she was going to get naked for them anyway. She said that she wanted to play her guitar for them though. Howard said that would be fine and they dropped the curtain. Howard said that she had a better body than he thought she would. Earlier she said that she hadn't had sex since last year so Howard was kind of surprised by that. She also told the guys about how she has had sex with women before. She said she had twins at one point but not at the same time. She did them separately. Howard told Shayna that she could clean up if she became a stripper. Shayna talked about her relationship with the twins she used to hang out with. She said that they did have some fun once in a while and she was sleeping in the same bed as one of the girls for a while. She didn't have sex with her every night though. Howard had her go ahead and perform her original song ''There I Stand.'' She performed the song while she was naked so Howard said it was really weird to see her playing while she was nude. He stopped her in the middle of the song and told her how weird it was. He said he gave her 10 points for being naked. He asked Robin and Gary to give their opinions on the song. Gary thought it was very affected and she was trying to be too much like Melissa Etheridge or something like that. Howard told her that her body was a 10 and her song was a 3. She said a 3 is better than a zero. Howard told her that she should be using that body and doing a rich dude or something. Howard said she could probably get a rich guy looking the way she does. Shayna said that she's going to be appearing in New Jersey at a coffee house. That's the kind of places she works in usually. Howard gave Shayna another plug and went to commercial break a short time after that.

• Donald Trump Visits. 04/11/05. 7:55am
  After the break Howard played a new song parody from Dan the Song Parody Man where he used clips from the Pat O'Brien tapes and put them to music. He also played a prank call they did where Heidi Cortez called a chicken place and came on to the guy who answered the phone. That led to the guys talking about how hot Heidi was when she was on the show.

  Howard said that Donald Trump was there but he showed up a little late. Howard said it looked like Trump lost a few pounds. Robin asked him if he always wears a pink tie. Trump said that he only wears them on special occasions like today. Howard thought Donald wasn't going to show up today because he's got a cold and he figures he's paranoid about that. Trump said that he had a guy come up to him after sneezing all over the place and wanted to shake his hand. That bothers both of them.

  Howard asked Donald about why he's been out trashing Dan Rather so much lately. Donald said that Rather did a nice interview with him one time but later trashed him. Donald said that the guy never got very good ratings either and he's not sure how he kept his job. Trump claims that he used to give Rather the finger when he'd see him at George Steinbrenner's box at Yankee Stadium. Trump said that Rather wouldn't do anything and he'd even invite him to go to lunch. Trump said the wasn't fair to him on camera so that's why he won't treat him nice anymore. Howard said that's the way he feels about Katie Couric. She told him off the air that she loved his movie ''Private Parts'' but as soon as the camera went on, she turned on him and bashed him about his radio show and stuff. Howard said Katie apparently snuck a camera into Donald's wedding even though they said ''no cameras.''

  Howard asked Donald how his marriage is going. Trump said that the marriage is hot and things are going well. Howard told him that Melania looks good these days. Howard asked Donald what would happen if Melania was involved in a bad accident and lost the movement of one arm, had 100 stitches in her face and had a big red blotch on her left eye... and her foot was mangled... would he be able to stay with her. Trump said that he has a great relationship with her and he would stay with her 100 percent. He said he's usually known as being shallow but he would stay with her if something like that happened. Howard said that Donald has great timing and would probably get out of the marriage shortly before the accident happened. Trump says the love making is ''extraordinary.'' He told Howard that he was the only celebrity that didn't make it to his wedding. He was kind of glad because Howard killed him the last time he was at his wedding. Howard predicted that the marriage would only last 3 months. It lasted a little longer than that but it did fail. Trump says that this woman, Melania, is a wonderful woman and he's glad to be married to her. He said he may have more kids but he won't do anything to take care of them. He said he'll pay for them to be raised and Melania would be a great mother. Trump believes that she would do a great job raising the kids. Howard said that when they have kids they lose focus and won't take care of him the way he needs to be taken care of. Trump said he thinks things will be fine and he will only have to go to a minimal amount of school plays. He says that he's been a good father over the years even though he doesn't do all that much work with them.

  Howard asked Donald what he thinks about this Martha Stewart reality show. Trump is all for it and thinks that it'll be successful. He said that he owns it with Mark Burnett so that's one reason he's all for it. He said he doesn't know that she'll do as well as ''The Apprentice'' has done but he hopes it'll be successful. Trump said that TV is a weird thing and you never know what will happen. Trump said that he just got signed up for 2 more seasons of his show and no one thought he'd make it past one season. Trump and Howard talked about Martha Stewart for a short time and then moved on to the Miss USA Pageant. Trump was in to promote that pageant and said that it is a bad idea to own that show when you're married. Howard asked him if he ever slept with any of the women in those pageants so Donald said that he never comments on that stuff. The show airs tonight at 9:00pm. Howard asked him about meeting the hot women on those pageants of his and if any of the women ever came on to him. Donald said he wouldn't want to hurt their feelings if they came on to him. He also said that he wouldn't think about how it could be a conflict of interest until afterward. Howard asked him to share with the audience about the first time he slept with one of the contestants. Donald asked if everyone was going to be watching the pageant tonight.

  Howard said that some pageants, like the Miss America Pageant, have gone down hill because the women are so uptight. He asked Trump to tell the audience about why his pageant is going to be great. Trump said that he makes sure that the women on his pageant are not just going to be there because they're smart. He once said that if you want to see a rocket scientist, don't tune into the Miss Universe Pageant. That's basically what he was saying this morning about the Miss USA Pageant. Trump says that he's also trying to buy the Miss America Pageant as well so he can turn that around.

  Trump said that Howard once had the winner of the Miss Universe pageant on his show and she was never the same after that. The woman was Russian and she had an interpreter on the show with her and Howard asked her a lot of goofy questions. After that the woman refused to do her job promoting the pageant so Donald had to fire her. He went on to talk about how he wants to buy the Miss America Pageant cheap but there's a big foundation that owns it so it's not a simple thing to do. He would have a monopoly on the beauty pageants. He said that he bought the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants for about 10 million bucks and they made about 10 million with them last year. Trump said that he made a deal to sell the pageant to Thailand about a week before the tsunami hit so he was going to give them their money back. They told him to keep it because they want to show it to show that they're back. Trump told Howard about some of the real estate projects he has going right now. He has 9 buildings in the works right now. There's a building in Chicago that could have been the tallest building in the world but he doesn't want that because of what happened on 9/11.

  Howard asked Trump about the car that Shaq apparently gave him for his wedding. It was a $325,000 Rolls Royce but Donald wasn't sure if the guy paid for it or not. He said that a lot of people there were fascinated with Shaq even though there were a lot of other celebrities there. Pat O'Brien was at the wedding so Howard asked him if he knew he was such a freak. Trump said he didn't know that he was having the troubles he was having. He has heard the tapes that Howard has been playing for a couple of weeks now. He doesn't get why people leave that stuff on voice mail and he really doesn't get the e-mail thing because people will say just about anything in e-mail.

  Donald told Howard that they start shooting the next ''The Apprentice'' in a few weeks and he was part of the process of choosing the next cast and he believes that Howard will be watching every episode. Howard asked him if they have a crazy black person on the cast. Donald said they do have a black person on the show but he didn't say anything about them being crazy. Trump said they have a woman who is a stripper on the next show. They also have a beauty queen and he's really looking forward to the next season, which will be the fourth for the show.

  Howard asked Donald if he was happy that Mark Burnett's show ''The Contender'' was a failure. Trump says that he's not happy about that and he wishes Mark Burnett the best of luck with everything. Robin brought up Richard Branson who had a failed reality show. Robin said she saw him at the car show in the city recently and the guy was walking around dressed as an astronaut. Trump also brought up Mark Cuban and how his show failed. The two of them failed miserably and Donald is happy about that.

  Donald said he had an idea for a show where they'd have 9 whites against 9 blacks in a season of ''The Apprentice.'' Howard said that he would watch it but it would probably cause riots all over the country. Howard started to wrap up the segment but Donald ended up talking about the roast that Artie appeared at for him. Artie told one of the jokes that he told at the roast and Donald was sorry he even brought that up. Howard asked Trump how much he's worth and ended up talking to him about that for a few minutes. Trump said they say he's worth about $6 billion but he's not sure that's correct or not. He was still upset about Artie telling one of the jokes that he told at his roast. Donald said he didn't have to say it there on the air. He said it was fine to do it at the roast but not on the air. Artie's joke was about his casinos in Atlantic City. Howard told Donald to forget Artie and wrapped up the interview. He gave Donald another plug for the Miss USA Pageant that airs tonight at 9pm on NBC. Howard wished him luck with that and went to commercial break.

• Pat O'Brien Phone Sex Prank Call. 04/11/05. 8:55am
  After the commercials Howard played a voice mail message from Crazy Alice who was going off on Michael Jackson. She went off on Howard a little bit as well and said that she won't be following Howard to the new place when he moves there.

  Howard said the guys called a phone sex place and used the Pat O'Brien tapes since that's where he fits in. The woman on the line played along with the clips and had phone sex with the audio clips they played. When they used the clips of Pat talking about drug use, the woman said they're not allowed to talk about that stuff. She actually hung up on him when he brought up the coke again. Robin thought that was pretty funny.

• Lil Jon Visits. 04/11/05. 9:00am
  Howard had the guys bring in rapper Lil Jon after that. Howard told him he may not want to shake his hand because he had a cold this morning. Howard said they don't know all that much about rap music so Lil Jon told Howard about some of the lines they may know thanks to Dave Chappelle doing an impression of him. Howard said he knew what he was talking about after that. Jon showed Howard the $50,000 watch he was wearing and talked about the diamond encrusted teeth he had in his mouth. Howard gave Jon a plug for his album ''Crunk Juice'' and asked what ''crunk juice'' actually is. Jon told Howard they sell this Crunk energy drink and if you mix it with Grey Goose vodka, you've got Crunk Juice. They spent some time talking about Jon's woman and how she's down home in Georgia taking care of their kid.

  Howard asked Jon about the record he's doing with Paris Hilton. Jon said that he's never heard her sing but he's pretty sure that he can do an album with just about anyone. Howard wondered if he would hit Paris Hilton if he could. He claims that he doesn't cheat on his woman and he wouldn't do Paris. Howard read about all of the stuff Jon has going on. He's got the album, another album coming up with Paris Hilton, sex DVD (Available at VideoTeam.com.) and other stuff. They talked about that for a minute and Howard asked Jon if he's into smoking weed like Snoop Dogg is. Jon said he's not into smoking, he's a drinker. Howard asked him who else came up there with him in his entourage. Jon told Howard about some of the guys who came up with him. Howard wanted Fred to play some of Jon's stuff but he didn't have the new stuff. Howard had it in his CD player and didn't even know it. He played some of Jon's new album ''Crunk Juice.''

  King of All Blacks called in and asked Jon if the rumors were trued that he's missing an eye. Jon said that's not true and showed his eyes to Howard. King also said that Jon asks for like $50,000 just to say ''Yeah'' on a song for someone. Howard asked Jon what kind of car Jon is driving. He said he's got a Bentley GT which didn't seem to impress King all that much. He bragged about the Infiniti QX-56 that he's driving. Jon said he doesn't pay for everything he gets. He said that they're gifts. Howard tried to play some of the other tracks from Jon's album but every song was the same. He eventually got to one that was different called ''Lovers and Friends'' which was pretty mellow.

  Howard took a bunch of phone calls for Jon after that. One guy asked Jon what ''skeet, skeet, skeet'' means. Jon said he's not so sure if he can say it on the air but did kind of explain it by saying that when you squirt a water gun, you skeet the water out. He was keeping it as clean as he could. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time after that. He gave Jon a couple of plugs for his album and the sex DVDs he's got out as well before going to break.

• And Finally... 04/11/05. 9:35am
  Howard came back from commercial and played a couple of porn clips before having Robin start her news. He managed to make it through the whole show and wondered if it was annoying. Robin told him he was a little raspy earlier but it wasn't all that bad. Howard quickly mentioned that comedian Lewis Black will be on the show tomorrow. Robin started her news segment right after that.

  Double A called in during the news and asked Howard if they had any info on where that chick Shayna works. He said they had the picture of her up on Howard's web site already and he wasn't feeling so good and might have to go to the doctor's office where she works. Howard didn't have any other info on her though. Howard had Robin finish up her news after that and ended the show at about 10:20am.

• Howard Too Sick, Leaves Early. 04/12/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Ponce de La Phone prank calls a talk show and gives them a ''Baba Booey,'' ''Baba Booey'' song parody by Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy, Wheel of Fortune mention of Howard Stern, Joe Walsh performing ''Eyes of the Confessor'' live in Howard's Studio.

  Howard started off the show saying that he's still sick as a dog and he doesn't know why he came in. He thought he'd be able to talk but he really had a hard time. Artie told him he was a real trooper for coming in at all. Howard is suffering from laryngitis and a cold but he thought he could do the show. His voice is shot and he could barely speak. He apologized for waking everyone up to come in after that. Artie said he had the chance to see Cabbie this morning so it was all worth it. Howard tried to rest yesterday even though he did have some stuff to do after the show. He didn't do anything last night but the cold is still with him. He said that he's going to try and make it through the show anyway. Howard said he has this thing where people tend to think that he's lying if he takes a sick day off. Fred played a clip of a baseball player making a speech where the guy could barely speak and it sounded similar to Howard.

  Howard tried to save his voice by playing the prank call they made to a sex line using the Pat O'Brien audio clips. They played the call yesterday for the first time and the woman on the other line ends up hanging up on them after ''Pat'' asks her about doing coke because she's not allowed to discuss stuff like that on the phone because it's against the rules. Robin thinks the ''woman'' sounds an awful lot like a guy. Howard said he likes that there are rules for a phone sex line. He said the FBI must be waiting to bust people like that.

  King of All Blacks called in and told Howard how dedicated he is and how he really shouldn't have come in today. He said that the audience doesn't care about him personally and he should just go home and try to get better. He suggested some hot water with apple cider vinegar to make his voice better. Howard said that he'd rather throw up than drink that. He hung up on King and talked about how Tom had him scheduled to read about 10 live commercials today and he just can't do it. Fred told Howard that he actually has 14 live commercials to read today.

  Howard said that he's going home today because it's so bad but he had to clear something up. In the Daily News today there's something kind of embarrassing to him so he wanted to talk about that. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard that he asked Louis to pull all of the live commercials Howard has done recently so they can replace the live stuff today. Howard went on to talk about the article in the NY Daily News. They claim that Howard was wearing black gloves when he ate Hors D'Oeuvres at Fran Dresher's party on Friday night. He said that's an out-and-out lie. He wore the gloves to the party, took them off, and then put them back on when he left. He claims he didn't even eat anything there. They're trying to make him sound like a lunatic by writing stuff like that.

  Howard said he was out of there because he just had nothing for us. His voice was shot but he didn't know what they were going to play. Gary came in and told him that they have a great Best of Stern to play so they were fine. Artie said that he was going to go hit some fungo balls if they leave early. Cabbie came in and told Howard that Tom told him to come in and make it The Cabbie Show. Cabbie also told Howard about something that happened this morning with Gary. He said that the guy in the lobby gave him Gary's mail at about 2 in the morning so he put it in his backpack. Gary came to him and asked him where his mail was so Cabbie told him to hold on a minute. Gary got upset that he didn't put the stuff on his desk. He also said that he could have just slid the stuff under his door but Cabbie said that it was really graphic stuff and he didn't want to leave it there for everyone to see. It turns out that it's a drawing of private parts, it's not even real pictures. Gary was also upset that Cabbie was chattering away while Howard was trying to figure out if he was going to end the show early or not.

  Robin asked Cabbie if he's off of the porn or not now. Cabbie said that he is but Gary said that he was asking for porn from him this morning. Cabbie said that he was just kidding about that. Howard asked Cabbie where his babysitter was to keep an eye on him. Cabbie said he was out in the hall with a rifle.

  Hook Nose Mike called in and said that Howard sounded just as bad as Artie did the time he called in sick. He also asked Howard if Fred has ever called in sick. Howard said that he calls in sick every day, you just don't know it. Fred replayed the call Artie made to Gary when he called in sick one time. Artie thanked him for that. Artie claimed that he couldn't talk but he was talking quite a bit. They had taken Artie's call and made a prank call to a place and had him calling in sick to that place but the guy had no idea who it was.

  Another caller told Howard that they liked Cabbie better when he was on coke and all wacked out. Another caller said that Cabbie is a constant source of material and they always have something on him. It's like total nuttiness with him every day. Cabbie thought that one of Imus' guys was stealing his schtick and doing the same kind of stuff that he was doing. Howard said he was going to try and hang in there but he wasn't sure if he was going to make it through the show. Cabbie told him he looked like a mess this morning. His face was read, his hair was all messed up and he looked all ''sexed over'' for some reason. Artie told Howard that he could be home sleeping in 20 minutes if he just ended it now. Cabbie told him he won't be any good for tomorrow if he doesn't go home. Howard thought he was starting to clear up but Gary asked him why he does that to himself. He thought he should just go home.

  Cabbie told Howard that he was being a nebbish right now but Howard figured he didn't even know what that word meant. Cabbie said he did know and he wasn't going to tell him. Howard argued with him for a few seconds but he was so far gone he said he was going to go home. Cabbie kept on him about some stuff he wanted to talk to him about but Howard told him he'd talk to him when he's better. Cabbie had e-mailed him about something but he didn't want to bring it up on the air. Howard said he was going to leave but took one more phone call. The guy told Howard he can't pull this kind of stuff when he moves to the new place because he doesn't want to be paying fourteen bucks a month to hear that. Howard corrected the guy and said it's $12.95 a month. He went to break after that.

• The Best Of Stern. 04/12/05. 6:35am
  Howard went home early so they had some reruns to play instead. Here's what they played:
  • Snoop Dogg And Tha Eastsidaz Come In. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 7/31/01. 8:55am
      Rapper Snoop Dogg and his buddies Tha Eastsidaz came in to promote their new album ''Duces N Trayz...Old Fashioned''

      Gary came in and told Howard that the guys were out in the green room with the door shut smokin' some weed before they came in. Howard spoke to the guys about what kind of pot they're into right now and they told him it's called ''Purple'' or something like that. Snoop told Howard that whenever they go to a radio station they smoke to ''mark their territory'' like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant.

      Snoop also talked to Howard about his pimping and how he keeps in touch with his ''bitches'' through the internet also. He said since he can't hit them with his shoe, like he's said in the past, he said he has to hit them with some megahertz instead.

      Howard brought in a drug counselor to see if he could talk to the guys about their pot smoking but it was a pointless conversation. Even the drug counselor knew that he couldn't stop these guys from smoking. He told them that they're looked up to by young kids and maybe they shouldn't be doing it but Snoop made a good point. He told the guy that he's not responsible for raising other people's kids so it ain't his problem. He said he chooses not to smoke in front of his own kids but he knows he won't be able to control them once they get old enough.

      Snoop's 77 year old uncle Junebug was also there. Uncle Junebug said that he smokes pot with Snoop once in a while and he's been smoking since he was about 3 or 4 years old. Snoop said he started when he was about 16 and he didn't like it back then.

      Howard ended up talking to the guys in Tha Eastsidaz about their lives in gangs and in jail among other things. One of the guys has been in a gang since he was 9 years old. A couple of Tha Eastsidaz have been to jail and even been shot so Howard talked to them about that for a little while also. One guy told Howard how he can make a weapon with just about anything. He said he can even make a gun out of a magazine with zippers and buttons as shrapnel.

      Snoop was also promoting his new clothing line that's available in stores now and he's even got sneakers called Fizzles coming out. You can find out about all of that at his web site SnoopDoggRadio.com. You can also visit Eastsidaz.com for more info on those guys.

      Howard played a clip from the new CD and took a couple of quick phone calls as he wrapped up the segment.

  • Tom Chiusano's Broken Pinkie. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 9/26/02. 7:50am
      Howard said there was something strange going on with General Manager Tom Chiusano. He said that Tom was walking around with a cast on his hand because he'd broken his pinkie. Howard said Tom didn't want to talk about it with him because it was something dumb that he'd done. Howard said he later found out that Tom punched a door after his suit fell on the floor. There was more to it though. Tom came in and explained what happened that day. He played a card game with some friends and ended up losing for the 20th week in a row so he got pissed. He went home and started hanging his freshly cleaned suit and punched the suit in anger a few times. When he did that he hit the door it was hanging on and broke his pinkie. Howard and the rest of the guys ended up goofing on Tom for about 15 minutes after hearing the whole story.
  • Katarina The Swedish Broadcaster. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 10/21/97. 8:00am
      28 year old Katarina, a Swedish broadcaster, came in to meet Howard this morning. She's in the States on vacation and she heard about Howard's movie so she came in. She was really good looking according to Howard. Howard decided to have a little fun with her so he brought in Steve the Engineer (a.k.a. ''Wood Yi'') to play the role of Michael Jordan of CBS broadcasting. ''Wood Yi'' played the part well. Jackie must have been feeding him his lines while he was standing there because he sure as hell wasn't rehearsed. He would ask Katarina to do things like sit on his hand or tell her to ''F-Off''. It was very entertaining.
  • Howard Brags About Dating Angie Everhart. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 8/12/02. 8:40am
      Otto and George stayed in after Mark Harris left. George (the puppet) was going off on Mark being a homo with a web site and went nuts about him even being there. Howard wondered why he didn't go off on him while he was in there. He said he was trying to be nice while he was there.

      Howard went on to talk about the FHM magazine that he was talking about earlier with Angie Everhart saying that he was the best person she ever dated. Howard said he's serious when he says he's going to take out a billboard featuring that quote and her picture. He told Otto and George that he dated her for a couple of months and that's all it took for her to realize what a great guy he was. Howard was eluding to the fact that they slept together but a couple of people pointed out that she never said anything about that in the article. Howard said she just doesn't want to talk about that because she ''doesn't kiss and tell.'' Robin was one of the people bringing him down. She was pointing out how she didn't say anything about the sex they had. Another phone caller told Howard that he's a pansy because she said that he was the best guy he ''dated.'' Howard couldn't believe that these people weren't just accepting what she said.

      Howard spent a few minutes talking to Otto and George about comedy and gave them a few plugs. He's appearing at a few comedy clubs around the country and Howard gave out MillerComedy.com for booking info.

      The debate about the Angie Everhart thing continued for quite some time. Howard continued to argue with everyone about what she said and what she might have actually meant. He wouldn't even say if he actually had sex with her. He said she knows that he's sensitive about that type of thing being brought up and he must feel the same way about her.

      Howard spent a few minutes talking to Otto and George and took some phone calls during that time. One of the callers was Chaunce Hayden from Steppin Out Magazine. Chaunce brought up a story they mentioned the last time he was on. It had something to do with him spitting on a picture of another comic at Rascal's Comedy Club. Otto got pissed and didn't want to rehash that story so he tried to drop it. He ended up threatening to ''cave in'' Chaunce's windpipe. He said he just doesn't want to talk about it and he got really bummed out after the call. Howard told Chaunce it just didn't work out this morning. Otto and George will be appearing at Zany's in Vernon Hills, Illinois this Tuesday through Thursday and at Carolines Comedy Club in New York City on September 13th, 14th and 15th.

  • Angie Everhart Calls In. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 8/12/02. 9:10am
      Model Angie Everhart called in after some people called and let her know what was going on with Howard. Howard told her he was very happy with this quote he read in this FHM article. He described it to her and told her what
    • was going on. Gary also came in and explained to her that Howard was trying to explain what she actually meant with that quote. Angie ended up saying that Howard was ''perfect.'' Everyone was skirting around the subject so Stuttering John came in and said ''Is Howard good in the sack?'' and Angie said ''Fuck yeah'' but Howard had to hit the delay button on her. The guys then had her say it in a clean way so they could get it on the air. She obviously liked him in bed so they spent a few more minutes trying to find out if he was the best she ever had. She wouldn't say that but she did say that he was in the top 3 of the best she's had. The big thing was that Robin didn't want to let Howard enjoy this moment he was having. A bunch of phone callers told Howard they think Robin is just jealous. She didn't understand why people were attacking her though. She said she was just making a joke and all of the guys were taking this too seriously.

      Howard ended the call with Angie and took a break a short time later. He thanked Angie for calling in to talk about this subject. After taking a break Robin had a few more questions for him about their relationship. She wanted to know how the two of them met and started dating. Howard said they ran into each other at the gym and eventually started dating. At first he said they met on the show but realized he was wrong and corrected himself. Robin also wanted to know how they remain friends even after breaking up. It wasn't a bad breakup because they just knew they had to split because she moved out to the West Coast.

      After answering Robin's questions Howard had her do her news. She started off with the Jason Priestley race crash story. Howard said he's no happy to see anyone hurt like that even though Jason hasn't been so nice to them over the past few years. He did say that it's a useless sport he was involved in and couldn't understand why someone like that would participate in something so dangerous. Now he's gone and ruined his good looks (by breaking his nose) and broke his back. They played a few clips of Jason talking about this new race series he was practicing for before he got in the crash. Robin moved on to other stories after that.

  • Howard Talks To Dr. Steven Hefflin About Problems He Has.

• Howard Returns Live. 04/13/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Billy Mira as David Lee Roth performing ''Rockin' Robin'' for Robin's Birthday, Blues Traveler performing ''Run Around'' at a Howard Stern birthday party.

  Howard was back and still suffering from his cold and laryngitis. He wasn't sure how he was going to do on the air when he woke up this morning so he came in. Yesterday he went home early and tried to rest. He watched some bad vampire movies after taking a nap. He said he watched ''Bram Stoker's Dracula.'' He and Robin talked about that for a minute. Howard said he also watched one of the crappiest movies ever made, ''Van Helsing.'' He said the movie was so dark he couldn't see anything. As he was talking about that he realized he sounded even worse than he did yesterday. Robin told him that he actually did sound worse than he did yesterday. Howard said he feels fine but he just can't talk today. The studio was really hot and he said he just wants to leave. He wants to leave the station and go to satellite radio already.

  Howard said that he and his agent were talking about how odd it is that the government is talking about regulating satellite radio all of a sudden. He said that wherever he goes is like a lightning rod for controversy and he doesn't get it. Howard talked about how HBO has been showing dirty movies and shows forever but now, all of a sudden, they're going after pay services. He doesn't know how congress can go after something like that because it's unconstitutional. He hasn't even been hearing about them fining regular radio stations and stuff. He said that he's seeing signs that cable companies are going to cave in and do whatever Congress says. He has some story he wants to share but it's going to have to wait for about 2 weeks before he can tell it.

  Howard played an audio clip from Jeopardy where they asked what Howard Stern's self-proclaimed four letter description is. One of the players knew that it was ''King of All Media.'' Howard took a phone call after that from a guy who told Howard about something called Goji Juice or something like that and it would change his life. Howard told the guy he's sick of hearing about products that can change his life and hung up on the guy. Another caller brought up how Daryl Hall and John Oates were on American Idol last night. He asked Howard if he thinks John Oates is uglier than Gary these days. Howard said he thinks that Gary has actually aged better than John. He also talked about how they recently passed on letting them come on the show and he's kind of glad. He and Robin said that they just sat in the audience at American Idol and didn't even talk on microphone.

  Bobo called in and told Howard that the new commissioner of the FCC is on a mission to go after Howard and satellite radio. Bobo thought the guy was quoted as saying he was going after Howard directly but when he read the article, it wasn't a direct quote. Howard pointed that out to him and said that the guy isn't even talking about him. Howard said they really can't regulate pay services like that but they're going to try. Howard got annoyed by Bobo and hung up on him. He went on to talk about how he doesn't care either way if the government follows him when he goes to satellite. He can't imagine that they're going to be able to regulate satellite and he'd like to see them try. Robin said that no one cared that people were cursing on satellite radio before Howard chose to go there. Now, all of a sudden, they want to regulate something that people opt to pay for. Howard said they're crazy and the religious fundamentalists in the country have a little power and they're going to try and regulate everything.

• Will Rush's ''BJ'' Get Him Fined? 04/13/05. 6:20am
  Howard took another phone call from a guy who asked Howard about Beth's waist and if he's able to touch his fingers when he wraps his hands around her. Howard said he can't quite do that. The caller had seen a picture of her in FHM magazine. Another caller pointed out that Rush Limbaugh had used the two word description (BJ) for oral sex on his show yesterday. Howard said he got a lot of mail about that and apparently Rush said he'd be honored to be fined. Robin said that maybe he's back on the Oxycontin or something. Howard got a transcript of the show and he doesn't think they'll go after Rush, they only come after him with stuff like that. The caller played an edited version of the Rush Limbaugh show where he was talking about the BJ thing. It sounded like Rush didn't even say the words, he just used the term ''B.J.'' but Howard said that he's not even able to use those two letters together on his show without the government fining him. Howard talked about Limbaugh's rant against Al Gore and how ridiculous it was.

  Another caller said that the government can't regulate pay services like cable and satellite. Howard told the guy that they're trying to do that, that's what he's talking about. The caller thought that was ridiculous. Howard said that if he said he was just going to print his rantings on the internet, they'd try to regulate the internet. He went to break a short time later.

• COPS Audio Clips And More. 04/13/05. 6:35am
  Howard came back from break and talked about his day of rest yesterday. He said he also ate healthy food trying to get over his cold. He was eating fruits and vegetables trying to clear up that cold. He brought up the vampire movies he watched yesterday as well. He said he really likes vampire movies for some reason. He talked about the ''Bram Stokers Dracula'' and how cool that movie was.

  Howard and Robin also talked about last night's ''American Idol'' for a short time. They discussed some of the stuff that went on during the show. Howard said he likes the tall black chick on the show. Howard also complained about the rock singer, Bo Bice, on the show. Both he and Robin think that he sucks. Gary came in and got in on the conversation talking about how odd Paula Abdul's behavior was on the show. Gary said that it almost seems like she's drunk or something. Robin brought up another guy who sang a Queen song and looked kind of gay doing it.

  Howard had some new audio clips from the TV show ''COPS.'' Howard said he doesn't get a chance to watch the show anymore but he does enjoy the clips he gets. He played one clip of a woman being asked about what they smelled on her breath and she went nuts yelling at the cops and her teeth were apparently falling out. He played another clip where a redneck woman was threatening to kill someone. She eventually got arrested because of the way she was talking to the cops. It sounded like she tried to bite one of the guys as well. She thought that they couldn't arrest her in her own home but that's exactly what they did. Howard said that show is probably the reason for cops not joining the force these days. Howard played another clip where a woman was getting kicked out of a bar and screaming about how she wasn't doing anything wrong. She eventually got tackled and demanded to have her ''shows'' which was actually her ''shoes.''

  Howard said that there was a group of girls there who showed up to get naked for them. He had to take a break first but quickly said that they had no business being there.

• Drunk Girls Get Naked For Howard. 04/13/05. 6:55am
  After the break Howard said that he has a lot of people thinking that he's got some evil plot going so his company will fire him, and that's why he took the day off yesterday. He read some of the mail he got about that. He said that he was really sick and wasn't faking it to get fired. He said that he's probably got one of the cleanest record for taking sick days off and he'd compare them to anyone else's. He said that there are even people at the station who think he's trying to get fired by taking these days off. He took a couple of days off because of his root canal and one yesterday and now people think he's trying to get fired.

  Howard said that Gary warned him that these women that were coming in were probably in their late 30s. The girls came in and one of them said she was 36, not 38 like Gary thought. He wasn't far off though. Gary told Howard to ask them what they've been doing all night because the story is really boring. The girls were also giggling after everything they said. Howard asked them what they did. The girls said they were out drinking and one of them is in an AC/DC tribute band that features all girls. Howard said it's an absolute waste of time. He'd listened to it and thought that they may have had a backing track or something. The woman said the band is going over to Iraq to entertain the troops. Howard said he feels bad for the troops because they don't get the greatest entertainment over there.

  Michelle, the one who isn't in the band, said that she needs a boob job. Howard told her to take her clothes off so he could look at her. That's when he learned that she's got 4 kids and one of them is 19 years old. Howard had her strip down anyway. He said he'd be kind because he tries to be kind to any chick who is willing to get naked in there. He said that she didn't look horrible for having 4 kids. He noticed a bad tattoo on her back that looked like a birth mark. She was completely naked at that point. Gary said that she didn't look all that bad for her age and for having 4 kids. Howard said her stomach was kind of flat but she might be able to tone a little more. Gary said she might be good for the ''From a Lard Ass to a Hard Ass'' contest they have coming up. Howard said ''No'' to that. He said they're looking for chicks who can be hot after losing a 10 or 15 pounds. Howard said that she is ''doable'' though.

  The woman in the band said that she's also a stripper so Howard had her strip down so he could see her ass. He said it wasn't all that bad. Gary noticed something and thought he saw a ''happy trail'' on her belly. She said that's what it was and that she has to take care of that. Howard said the happy trail makes no one happy. She said she usually takes care of that hair when she's dancing. Artie said that they call that the ''Highway to Hell.'' Howard played some of the band's AC/DC cover songs so the guys could hear it. Gary said when he heard it, it made him want to go listen to the original.

  Howard asked Michelle when she last had sex. She said she couldn't even remember the last time she did. Her daughter was there with her but she didn't want to bring her into the studio. Howard thought she was pretty good looking and seemed kind of surprised that she was that good looking. Howard eventually found out that Michelle is seeing some guy that she met at the club she dances at (Club 516 in Old Bridge, NJ). Howard wondered what club she could be dancing at because she wasn't like the girls at Scores. She asked Howard if she needs a boob job. Howard told her it's over and she doesn't need a boob job. He wrapped up with the girls and gave them a plug for the band Thund Her Struck which is the AC/DC tribute band. He went to break right after that.

• Howard's Girlfriend Beth And Their Dog Visit. 04/13/05. 7:25am
  After the break Howard said that he's going to go home and rest after the show today. He explained how he had to leave early yesterday after doing just 30 minutes of the show. He also talked about how Beth didn't want to sleep with him last night because she didn't want to get sick. He said he prefers to be alone when he's sick anyway. Howard brought up how he watched ''The Bachelor'' last night but Robin doesn't get how he can watch that show because it's so bad. Howard said that's why he likes it though. The women are all nuts and the guy on the show is creepy. Howard was laying in bed trying to get to sleep and wondering if he should call off the show or not. He said he shouldn't care and should just take the whole week off. He said he cares too much and that's why he feels the need to come into work. He does want to get out of there and move to satellite radio already but he's not going to screw the company over.

  Howard talked about how he was going to take an Ambien so he could get to sleep. He forgot about pleasuring himself so he could get to sleep. He then decided to do a double whammy and took the Ambien and then pleasured himself. He ended up just doing it without any porn. He ended up kicking his underwear off and finished himself off after about 2 seconds. He stopped talking about that when he heard that Beth walked in with their dog Bianca. Beth had just done an appearance on the local WB station to help promote the North Shore Animal League. Howard said that Robin was thinking about getting a dog but Robin said that wasn't true. She did think about having one of those little dogs that she could carry around like a purse.

  Beth told Howard about her appearance on the WB and how they ended up asking her about her relationship with Howard and about her modeling career before asking about the North Shore Animal League. She got in a couple of plugs for some upcoming adoption days that they have coming up soon. They were also talking about how they're talking about doing a cat hunt in one state because they have so many feral cats. Howard and the guys were talking about the best way to adopt animals. It's best not to buy pets from pet stores because they get them from puppy mills.

  Howard changed subjects and brought up how he and Beth tried to make a home porno movie but they ended up destroying the tape afterward. Robin said she and Mr. X have never done that but Howard said her ex-boyfriend used to do that all the time. Howard said that the guy would carry a camera around all the time. Beth said she didn't mind the movie they made but Howard didn't like seeing Beth like that and didn't like the way his wiener looked on tape. That's why he destroyed it.

  Howard told Beth how he had to pleasure himself last night to get to sleep. Beth had to get up early so she slept in a different room. He told her about the Ambien and how he pleasured himself to get to sleep. Beth said that she hoped the woman from the North Shore Animal League isn't listening to all of this stuff. Beth told Howard and Robin about how the WB wanted to make the show all about Bianca and didn't let her bring on any other animals.

  Hook Nose Mike called in and said he wasn't going to make any anti-semitic remarks since Beth was there. He went on to tell Howard about how he bought a dog from a pet store years ago and the dog has some medical problems now. It wasn't a full bred black lab like they told him it was. Howard said that's what happens when you get a pet from a pet store like that. Howard went to a breeder to get his dog Bianca.

  Captain Janks called in and asked Howard who wears the pants in their relationship. He wondered if Howard does things so he doesn't get Beth pissed at him. Howard said that he doesn't think he does anything like that. The two of them couldn't even think of the last time they had an argument. Howard said he does kind of have a problem with Beth feeding the dog table scraps but he did it the other night himself. Beth said that he blamed her for that because she gives the dog scraps all the time. She said that she thinks he's cute when he does stuff like that. Howard let Beth get in another plug for the North Shore thing before he had to take another break. He was about to take a break but Gary had audio of Beth's interview from the WB 11 interview she'd done a little earlier. Beth didn't want to hear it and said that it was kind of boring. She asked Howard not to play it so he cut it off and went to commercial.

• Rynn Berry's Hitler Book. 04/13/05. 7:55am
  After the break Howard had an author on the phone. Rynn Berry has written a book about Adolf Hitler called ''Hitler: Neither Vegetarian Nor Animal Lover'' and he's claiming that Hitler wasn't a vegetarian like people thought he was. Rynn said that he claims that he has a few people who claim they know what Hitler ate. One of his favorite meals was squab which is pigeon. He also ate liver dumplings from what Rynn found out. He said that Hitler tried to make himself seem like he was nice to animals but he was eating them and even tried out cyanide on his own pet dog. Rynn also claims that Hitler was a homo according to Howard. They spent a minute on that subject. Rynn told Howard about how Hitler apparently used his own niece as a beard to cover up that he was a homosexual. Rynn says that Hitler was a male prostitute at one point in his life as well. That was well documented according to Rynn.

  Howard took a call from a guy who said that Hitler was a vegetarian and just because he ate meat on occasion doesn't mean that he wasn't a vegetarian. He said that just because he smokes a cigarette once in a while doesn't make him a smoker. Rynn said that you're either a vegetarian or not and Hitler was not. Rynn argued with the guy a little bit about that stuff. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time after that.

• Blind Playmate Trouble And A New Game To Play. 04/13/05. 8:05am
  Howard took a call from a guy who said he had some news about the ex-Playboy Playmate, Lisa Heughan, who used to do the show calling herself the ''blind Playmate.'' There was an Amber Alert this morning where they were looking for her and her baby. The guy thought that it might be the same woman and he was right. Howard and Gary explained how they've been hearing from her lately and she's been leaving messages for them saying that she wanted to get her baby back. Howard read a story about how she kidnapped the baby but it was found just six hours later. Howard had some audio of the messages she's been leaving for them. In one clip she goes nuts yelling about how she didn't get the $500 prize money she got the last time she was on the show. She was cursing and talking about how she just wanted to get her money and told Howard to shove his show. She sounded really pissed off. They never told her that they could get her kid home to her and they mail out checks to people who win on the show. Howard played another message where Lisa was threatening to kill herself and talking about how she's got nothing left in her life. Howard said that he does not have the power to get anyone their kids back. He seemed to feel bad for Lisa after listening to the clips though.

  The caller asked Howard if he had any money that he could win. Howard said that he might have a contest he can play but ended up playing more of the Lisa Heughan clips first. Howard said he doesn't know that much about this woman other than the fact that she calls and leaves these messages. Gary said she did tell them one odd story one time. She was apparently in jail one time and she ended up writing on the walls with her blood but it was the blood that only comes 5 days a month.

  Howard asked Gary to bring in a game for them to play. They had a few choices. Howard told the caller that if he loses the game, he'd have to give up his kid. Howard said he'd be afraid to adopt Lisa's kid. There's no telling what she might do to get that kid back. Gary told Howard that they had a game where you have to guess whose favorite movie is ''The Jerk.'' He had to choose from a list of people like

  1. Gary the Retard
  2. Eric the Midget
  3. High Pitch Eric
  4. Daniel Carver
  Artie knew that it was Daniel Carver. Howard didn't make the guy play the game because no one would know the answer. Wendy the Retard's favorite movie was ''Private Parts.'' The caller said he'd play so Howard asked him whose favorite movie was ''Ghostbusters.'' The caller thought it was Eric the Midget but it turned out to be Gary the Retard. The next one was ''Jerry Maguire'' so the caller had to choose from High Pitch Eric or Eric the Midget. The caller guessed that it might be Eric the Midget. He was right so Howard gave him a $500 prize courtesy of the movie ''Kung Fu Hustle.'' Gary had Howard play High Pitch Eric's favorite movie. It was ''The Goonies.'' Artie thought that was pretty funny.

  Howard had another list of favorites. He played them after asking the guys in the studio who liked which bands. Here's the list of everyone's favorite bands:

  • The 69 Boys - Wendy the Retard
  • Metallica - High Pitch Eric
  • Janet Jackson - Gary the Retard
  • Rascal Flats - Eric the Midget
  • Hank Williams Jr. - Daniel Carver
  High Pitch Eric called in and told Howard that he ran into Jerry Seinfeld at Shea Stadium recently. He said he went up to him and introduced himself to him as being High Pitch Eric from the Howard Stern show and Seinfeld and his security guards pushed him away. Gary said that Eric shook his hand so it was probably soaking wet. Eric claims that they're not sweaty anymore because he's practicing to fight. Howard hung up on him after that.

  A 19 year old girl called in and said that she was trying to get a job as a bartender at Scores. She got a call back from them but her mother answered the phone and thought the guy who called sounded sleazy. Her mother told her father about it and he doesn't want her working at Scores. Howard told her that a lot of the girls who work there just lie and say that they work at K-Mart or somewhere like that. Tom Chiusano came in and said that a 19 year old can't serve liquor. He claims that you have to be 21 but Gary and the guys heard that you only have to be 18. The girl said that you only have to be 18 so Howard told Tom that he didn't know the rules so he shouldn't be coming in and saying that stuff. Howard said that this girl must be really hot because the bartenders there at Scores are really hot. Howard said that most of the girls at Scores lie to their parents about what they do for a living. Howard had to get going because Pam Anderson was on the phone. He was about to hang up on the girl but asked her how tall she was. She said she's only 4' 11 3/4'' tall. She has a C-cup and weighs 120 pounds. Howard said she should weigh about 80 pounds at that height. When Howard said that it was doubtful that she'd be working there, she hung up on him. She was a scam.

• Pam Anderson Calls In. 04/13/05. 8:30am
  Howard picked up the phone and had Pam Anderson on the phone. He asked her what she's doing with that guy Stephen Dorff. He told her that she's got the worst taste in guys. He said he doesn't know who she should be with but it's not that guy. Howard told Pam that she's looking good these days but even Pam admitted she hasn't seen any good pictures of herself lately. Pam was in the city recently but she didn't come on the show. Gary told Howard that she tried to get on the show the Friday they were off recently. Gary also saw a picture of a security guard tossing Sean Astin around at a hotel for some reason. Pam said that she heard he was trying to get into her car or something and they threw him out. She said he may have just been walking toward her car for some reason and they tossed him.

  Howard said that they should have a reality show based on Pam because they'd show guys just acting goofy when they meet her. Howard asked her where she was this morning. She was at her house and her kids were sleeping in her bed for some reason. Howard said that psychologists say that's just not right to let your kids sleep in your bed. Pam said that she couldn't sleep last night and let them come into bed with her. She said she was sleeping in a little tank top and little hot shorts. Howard said that's just so wrong and those kids are going to be so confused when they grow up. Howard and Gary talked about their mothers and how they were nothing like Pam when they were growing up.

  Howard told a story about going out with Pam to have drinks one night. He said a guy came up to him and demanded to go up to the room with him that night because he thought Howard was going to be banging Pam. The guy ended up following him around but he didn't have Pam with him because nothing happened. Pam told Howard about this guy Stephen Dorff and how great he is. She said that the guy is very interesting and they get along really well. Howard said that she's just as shallow as a guy is.

  Gary came in and read some stuff to Howard about Pam. He said that she's not only confusing her own kids, she's confusing the kids at their school because she's the lunch monitor there sometimes. Howard brought up Pam's new TV show ''Stacked'' which airs tonight on FOX. She said that she can't believe that she's working with Christopher Lloyd in a sitcom. Howard said that the show looks pretty good because it looks like she's in a lot of hot outfits. He said that he'll be watching the show tonight because it looks good. Pam said that they actually had to tape her nipples down when they shot some scenes. The standards and practices people are on the set just about every day. She said it took about 3 women to tape down her nipples the right way.

  Howard took a call from a woman who said that she saw Stephen out at a bar up in Toronto recently and they gave him their phone number and he was calling them trying to hook up with them. Howard said he didn't know if that was true or not but Pam said they're not really exclusive so it's not that big of a deal. The woman on the phone told her that she's too hot for him anyway. Pam said she hopes that Stephen is having a great time up there in Toronto. She said that she tells him all the time that he should be dating other woman. She said she's not sure she wants someone exclusive at this point. A couple more guys called in to talk to Pam. One guy said Pam was on Howard's E! show last night but Pam and Howard didn't remember what happened on that show when the guy was describing it to them.

  Howard mentioned Pam's new show again and spent a few minutes talking to her about that. Howard asked Pam is she's like him to come over and watch the new show with her tonight. She said she'd like him to come over but Howard wanted her to get rid of the kids. That led to Pam talking about how she sees Tommy Lee every day over the computer. She's got an iChat camera on her computer so the kids can see their father. Howard heard that and asked Pam if he could do the same thing with her. He'd like to see her on the computer so he told Gary to go out and get him one of these cameras for his computer. Pam said that Tommy set everything up for her so he'd have to set it up for her to chat with Howard. He said that would be a lot of fun and asked her if she'd show him her ass. She said he's seen enough of that and didn't sound like she was as into it as he was.

  Howard wanted Pam to put her kids on the phone but they were still in bed. Pam asked them to pick up but they were too tired to get up since it was only about 5:55 in the morning out there in California. Pam tried to get them on but it wasn't working. She told them she was on the phone with Spider-Man and even Shaq but they wouldn't pick up. Howard gave Pam another plug for her show ''Stacked'' which airs tonight at 8:30 on FOX. He said he might have to do a guest shot on the show just so he can do a love scene with Pam. He let her go a short time later. He had to take a break before getting to Robin's news.

• Comedian Mike Bocchetti Sits In. 04/13/05. 9:15am
  After the commercials Howard brought up a couple of stories he read in the paper yesterday. He said that Judith Regan is moving her business to California. He also read that she's suing Jenna Jameson over something about a reality TV show that Jenna is doing because she claims to own Jenna's life because of a book deal she signed. Howard also read that there was a guy who died and he invented a lot of vaccines for stuff, even more than Jonas Saulk, and he can't remember the guy's name or the vaccines he created. He said that's the kind of dude people should be upset about dying.

  Howard had this comedian Mike Bocchetti there to sit in during Robin's news. Mike apparently goes doody 30 times a day. He came in and said that he can't get laid either. He said that Presidents get shot more than he gets laid. Mike told Howard about his 30 doodies a day as well. He said that he eats a lot of salads and stuff and that makes him go pretty often. Mike also has to use a sleep apnea machine to keep him breathing at night. Howard remembered Stuttering John telling him a story about Mike sleeping with the machine and getting up 8 times in one night to go to the bathroom.

  Howard found out the name of this guy who died that he couldn't remember. He said the guy's name was Dr. Maurice Hilleman. He helped create vaccines for Mumps, Measles, Chicken Pox and a bunch more. Howard said that guy invented vaccines like he invents dick jokes. Howard said that no one ever hears about guys like that, everyone is more interested in Britney Spears' pregnancy. Howard read an article about Hilleman and no one could even remember the guy's name 2 minutes later. Howard read that the guy died of cancer. That was one thing he couldn't stop. The guy worked for Merck and was trying to find a vaccine for AIDS.

  Howard had to take another break but he gave Mike a plug for some upcoming comedy shows he had. He's going to be at Carolines on May 14th and at The Improv next Thursday. Mike told Howard that he played a part on ''Monk'' as a homeless guy. He also had a job on a commercial playing the part of a cockroach. He said the director told him he made a great cockroach. Howard heard that he does a Dice Clay impression so he was going to ask him to do that when they came back from break. Mike said that he hasn't done the impression for a while. Howard had him quickly do Dice as a cockroach before the break. Mike did his impression but it wasn't all that different than his regular voice.

• And Finally... 04/13/05. 9:40am
  After the break Howard played a new prank call that Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy did. They called a woman as a couple of deejays from WFAG. They asked her to identify a celebrity in an audio clip they played. They used clips of Pat O'Brien from his dirty voice mail messages as the celebrity clips. The woman claimed that she listened to WFAG every day but had some trouble identifying the celebrity. They gave her a consolation prize of a Vertigo Blue (Scott the Engineer's son's band) CD.

  Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Mike Bocchetti who was sitting in for the news. Mike talked about how he was working at a grocery store pushing shopping carts before he got into comedy. He was also in the Marines for a little while but he got kicked out. He said they quickly realized that it just wasn't the right place for him and kicked him out. Howard had Robin start the news a short time later but brought Sal the Stockbroker in to goof on him. He had seen a show on VH1 where they talked about celebrities who were too thin but he was calling it ''Emanciated'' instead of ''Emaciated.'' Howard let Sal think he was pronouncing it correctly for a couple of minutes while he discussed the thin chicks. He eventually clued him and booted him out of the studio.

  Howard interrupted the news to talk to Mike about how he lost his virginity to a hooker when he was 19 years old. He said that she was actually pretty good and a friend of his actually paid for the chick for him. He said that he still remembers it to this day. Howard asked him if he has to pleasure himself a lot. Mike said that he has quite an imagination and magazines to back it up. Howard told him he might want to lower his standards. Mike said that he does have some ridiculously high standards.

  Ralph called in during the news and said that Mike sucks and wondered when he's going to say something funny. High Pitch Eric called in and said he loves Mike. Howard hung up on both of them and had Robin finish up her news so he could go home and rest his voice. Howard ended the show around 10:20am.

• Sal The Stockbroker's Odd Request. 04/14/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: ''Ed Wood'' movie clip, Gary the Retard thinks he can get the flu from Wendy the Retard over the phone, Noel Gallagher performing ''Don't Look Back in Anger'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard was sounding a little better than he did yesterday. He's feeling a little better as well. He and Robin went back and forth asking each other how they're doing kind of goofing around. Howard said he went home and slept yesterday trying to get rid of the cold he has but it's still hanging in there. He said that he's kind of depressed having that cold. Robin had an article about New Yorkers being depressed so she looked for that while Howard and Artie talked about their own depression.

  Howard said he got a note from Gary yesterday that was kind of weird. Sal the Stockbroker, who works there, sent Howard this note through Gary. He's working tonight at a place so he needs a place to crash and he wanted to use Howard's apartment. Howard figured it was a goof but Gary swore it was serious. Sal came in and told Howard it wasn't a bit, he was serious. Sal said that people have told him that he's being inappropriate and he doesn't get that. Howard told Sal that he's a weirdo because of that. Gary said that Sal lost a bet to a couple of guys there because of this whole thing. He bet one of the salesmen and Gary that Howard would say ''yes'' to him. Howard said he doesn't want Sal staying at his apartment. Gary said that Sal really thought that Howard would let him hang out in his guest room, he'd wake up in the morning, take a shower and then hop into his limo to come to work tomorrow morning. Howard told Sal that he doesn't want him in his apartment, ever. Sal thought that he and Howard had a pretty personal relationship outside of the show but Howard doesn't seem to believe that. Sal was also saying that he likes Survivor so he and Howard could watch it tonight. Howard told him he's insane.

  A month ago Sal was just a superfan of the show. Now he's working on the show and he thinks he can stay in Howard's apartment. Artie said that Sal is jealous of certain people in Howard's life or something. To rub it in, Howard told Sal that Joey Boots is no different than him. Sal didn't think it was all that big of a deal to ask Howard to stay in his ''huge, huge place'' for one night. Howard said that Sal doesn't know anything about his apartment and he's never seen it. Gary said he told Sal that Howard doesn't want to spend the night with anyone, he just wants to go home and live his life. Artie was laughing his ass off the whole time hearing all of that stuff. He said that Sal is really funny after hearing all of this. Sal kept saying that Howard is his boss so Howard told him that he's not. Tom is really his boss and he should be asking him if he can stay at his place tonight.

  Sal said he was talking to Louis the Board Op the other day and wondering why he can't move to the ''next level'' with Howard. Sal said that Howard hangs out with people like Dominic Barbara and he doesn't get why Howard won't spend time with him. Howard told Sal that there's something about him that's just ''odd'' and this whole thing sealed the deal. He said he will never take him to the ''next level'' as he's asking. Sal said that he's been fantasizing about being in the studio with Howard since he was about 17. Now that he's in there, he wants more. He said that Louis told him that this stuff shouldn't be all that important to him. That's what Howard was telling him as well. He said that Sal is a ''star f'er'' and he's got to get over that. Sal told Howard he wanted to hang out and watch Survivor and eat dinner together.

  Tom Chiusano came in and gave Howard two words ''Restraining Order.'' He seems to think he's kind of nuts with all of this stuff. Sal said that Louis the Board Op advised him to bring all of this stuff out to Howard. Louis came in and told Howard that he did tell Sal that maybe he could ask Howard about some of this stuff but didn't think he'd be asking to stay at his apartment. Howard played a ''Crazy'' song parody about Sal that they created about him the last time he freaked out on the air. He's a bit nuttier than they expected. Howard said that this is the creepiest thing. He told Sal to go hang out with his friends instead of bothering him. Sal said he doesn't have friends. Howard cut everyone off and said that they have a new Page 69 on HowardStern.com and they claim that they caught Sal going through the releases looking for Ace Frehley's phone number. Sal said he just wanted to see what it looked like and just stared at it for a minute. He wasn't going to do anything with it. Howard said that Sal will never have his address and he doesn't want him at his apartment.

  Howard asked Louis if it was the weirdest conversation when he was talking to him about this stuff. Louis didn't seem to think it was all that crazy because everyone there is a little nuts. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sal called Beth looking for the recipe for Engagement Chicken. Louis also told Howard that some of the people there get pissed if he doesn't credit them with a joke they wrote or something like that. Howard said that when a Leno or Letterman do jokes on their show, they don't credit the individuals. Sal asked Robin if, when she was a nurse, it would be okay to ask a surgeon to stay at his place if she had to stay in the area late. She said that was out of the question and she would never do that.

  Joey Boots called in and said that Sal is the best thing for the show. He said he thinks that Sal is delusional and it's great. Joey believes that Sal is serious right now. Howard seems to believe it as well. Howard heard that Scott the Engineer was all fired up. Scott came in and said that he's been working with Howard for 20 years and he still hasn't gone to dinner with Howard. He told Sal to get used to it because that's the way things go there. Howard told Scott that there are just certain people he doesn't want to be with. He's had Robin, Fred and Artie over for dinner. Howard said that Jason, Will, Benjy, Fred, Richie, Isaac, Louis, Mike Gange and others all live in the city and Sal could stay with any of them if he asked. He doesn't get why he wants to stay with him. Howard said that Sal scares the hell out of him. Sal kept bringing up Dominic Barbara and figured that's the kind of person he has to be to get on Howard's good side. Howard told Sal that he doesn't want to be his friend.

  Robin said that Dominic used to do stuff like this with Ralph because he didn't get why Ralph was good friends with Howard. Gary said that even now Sal doesn't get that Howard doesn't want to hang out with him. Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and told Howard that Sal used to contact him all the time and asked him what Howard thought about him. Now he doesn't even call him anymore because he's already ''in'' with the show. Vinnie told Howard that he should drop him already. A listener from Seattle called in and asked if he could stay with Howard as a goof. Sal was asking Howard if he has a custom made bed. Howard said he's not going to tell him anything about his life. He and Robin told Sal to watch ''The King of Comedy'' because that's what this is like. He said that he's really scared by Sal's behavior today. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and told Sal that he should really drop this stuff or Howard is going to tell him to get out. Ronnie also rubbed it in and told Sal that Howard tells him he can stay at his apartment once in a while if he gets stuck in the city in the snow or something. Fred played a clip from ''Misery'' that kind of sounded like something Sal would do.

  Sal said that if he and Howard were working a construction site and Howard was the foreman, this wouldn't have been a big deal. Robin said that the only reason he wants to stay with Howard is because he's Howard Stern. A couple of callers told Howard that Sal is nuts. Bobo called in and said that Howard made a mistake by taking Sal to dinner one night. Howard said that it's funny that Richard Christy turned out to be the normal one out of the two. Howard said he knew that Sal was mentally ill when Ace Frehley was on the show and acted the way he did. Bobo told Sal that he's delusional and he's got to know when not to step over the line. Howard told Sal that he will never be invited to his home after all of this. Double A also called in and asked when he's going to get a key to his apartment. Howard said he'd rather give him the key than let Sal in. Sal was comparing himself to some of Howard's friends but Howard told him he's got to stop with that. He said he has to stop thinking about him and his friends. Sal said it's over now and he won't do this anymore.

  Howard asked Sal where he lives and why he can't just drive home. Sal lives on Long Island and he's supposed to be in the city late so he doesn't want to drive home. Sal wondered how far off from Dominic he is and why he can't be in the same position as a friend. Howard told Sal to walk out of the studio and never bring this stuff up again. Sal said that a father would never do that to a son. Howard and the guys told him that he's not his father. Sal said that he's looked up to Howard as a father figure but Howard doesn't want anything to do with that either. He booted Sal out of the studio and let Louis hang out in the office for a few seconds to let Sal get out of there. Howard asked Louis to write an article for his web site about what he hears from some of the other guys on the show. Gary asked Louis if Scott DePace is one of the other people asking about stuff like that. Howard said he's heard that Louis is getting married next week and he's trying to keep it quiet so he doesn't get the speech from him. Gary said that Louis seems to be living a pretty normal life for someone who works on the show. Howard had to go to break after that. He said he wasn't going to lecture Louis on the whole marriage thing.

  Artie said that he doesn't think that this whole Sal thing is over yet. He's showing perfect ''stalker'' behavior and it's not over yet. Howard said that Louis invited just one staff member to his wedding and that person was Fred. Louis said that Jason is one of the people who's stalking Howard. Jason said that he is a big fan of the show and he's listened to it for a long time so he appreciates that he's on the show. Gary said that Jason appreciates when Howard uses something of Howard's on the air. Will and Louis said that Jason is a bit more obsessed with the show than they think though. Will said that Jason refused to go to college anywhere that Howard wasn't on. He also didn't want to go to Texas where his father had a job offer from but Howard wasn't on there so Jason didn't want to go. Howard said that Will used to write him letters as a kid as well so everyone is a fan. A phone caller told Howard that he should watch his back and hire someone to check his apartment before he goes home. Howard went to break after that.

• Doug Stanhope Vs. Joe 'Girls Gone Wild' Francis. 04/14/05. 7:00am
  After the break Howard played a new bit that Sal the Stockbroker did with Gary the Retard. He had Gary asking a phone operator for the phone number for 1-800-FLOWERS. She kept repeating the number to him but he didn't get that the name of the company was the actual phone number. Howard said that Jason had just put up a picture of Sal dreaming about his favorite person, Howard.

  Howard changed subjects and brought up comedian Doug Stanhope who was recently on the show talking about what a disgusting person Joe Francis (Girls Gone Wild guy) is. Howard replayed some of Doug's comments about Joe and then got Doug and Joe on the phone. Howard had Doug on the phone immediately but Gary was still working on getting Joe on the line. While they waited for Joe, Robin gave Howard a depression quiz. She asked Howard about things like appetite, sleep loss or gain, fatigue, sadness and some other stuff like that. Howard answered ''yes'' to some of the stuff but not all of it. He cut her off to talk to Joe Francis.

  Joe Francis, creator of Girls Gone Wild, was on the phone to talk about this Doug Stanhope stuff. Joe didn't want Howard to replay the clips of Doug's comments but Howard played them anyway. Howard wondered what Joe's thoughts were on what Doug said. Joe didn't know why Doug was saying stuff like that because he thought they were friends. Joe wondered why Doug didn't just call him and talk to him about that stuff. Doug apologized for even bringing that up on the air because he didn't want to make Joe seem like he was worth mentioning. Doug said that he wouldn't have brought it up if he'd just gotten paid. Joe said he doesn't know what he's talking about because he's been paid for everything. Doug said his manager says that they haven't been able to get royalties and they can't even get a statement. Joe said that he doesn't get this because Doug has been a pretty good friend to him and they've hung out together. He asked Doug to just call him if he had a problem. Doug said it would be weird to call someone and tell them that they're a ''creepy douche.'' Doug insists that he hasn't made any royalties on the Girls Gone Wild stuff he worked on. Joe said that if there was a problem he shouldn't have made a second deal with him a year and a half later after the first deal. Howard asked Doug if it was true that Joe made him smell his fingers. Doug said that wasn't literal but he has seen Joe make girls cry. Joe said that he's mad that Doug has his number but he didn't call him about this stuff. Doug is just upset that he's not getting royalties on something that he did for Joe. Joe said that he will have a statement sent to him this afternoon if he wants.

  Doug said that he got a $35,000 deal up front on the deal and he was supposed to make $.35 per tape after that. Joe didn't know the details and thought that they couldn't talk about it on the air. Doug said he looked over the contract before he talked about it on the air. He made sure he knew what the deal was. Joe asked Doug why he doesn't talk about this stuff when they go out to dinner together. Doug said that he's got management to talk to him about that stuff and he doesn't like to bring it up. Joe says that he's not a seedy guy but Doug says that he really is pretty creepy. He told a story about Joe showing up to a party with a bodyguard who cleared the area at the party when he came in. Joe says that he didn't have a bodyguard, he had a driver. He also said that he wasn't going to take this personally but Howard told him that he should.

  Doug asked if this means Joe isn't going to sue him now. Joe said he thought about it. Doug claims that Joe called and threatened to sue him because he signed a non-disparagement contract or something like that. Doug said he doesn't have a copy of that if he did sign one. The guys asked Doug if he ever wants to work for Joe again. Doug said he can't see a situation where he would work with him again. Joe said that there has to be more behind it than what's being said. He thinks that it isn't necessarily just him but if it's funny, just let it be. Howard said he doesn't think we're going to see them teaming up again and a lot of the Girls Gone Wild people are going to be upset about that. He was joking around of course. Artie was joking around about how now people will think that a guy who gets 18 year old girls to take their tops off isn't a decent guy. Howard let Joe get in a plug for his ''Anything Goes Spring Break'' which premieres on May 5th on Pay-Per-View. He went to break a short time later.

• Howard Remembers The Hot Demi Moore. 04/14/05. 7:35am
  Howard came back from break and said that he watched the movie ''Ghost'' yesterday for the 90 millionth time. He said that movie was great and even Whoopi Goldberg was good in it. He doesn't know how old Demi Moore was when she made the movie but she was really hot. He talked about how now she seems to have gotten some plastic surgery and doesn't look the same. He said she should have just frozen herself in time at the age of 26. Howard talked about how ''time is relentless'' and it's brutal on women. He said it's also pretty bad for ugly guys. He wondered why we can't die while we still look young. It would make things easier on everyone.

• Tom Demanding A Lot From A Sick Howard Stern. 04/14/05. 7:40am
  Howard talked about Tom giving him a hard time about not reading the live commercials during the commercial breaks. Howard was trying to save his voice during the break so he can talk during the rest of the show. Tom just doesn't seem to get that though. Howard said he should just stay home if that's the way he wants things. Tom came in so Howard could talk to him about the half-days he worked when he was going through his cancer treatments. Tom said that he asked Howard to do 3 spots today and Howard agreed to give it the best he could. Howard said he's trying to save his voice for the show and he's there under protest. He opted to ignore his instinct to stay home and rest, to be there to do the show. Robin and Tom talked over each other trying give their sides of the story. Tom said that they are running a business there and they need Howard to do the live commercials. Robin said that Howard is Tom's lemon and he's going to squeeze every little bit of juice out of him.

  Tom told Howard that the 40 minutes with Sal earlier was worth replaying. He said that they should replay it this morning but they should split it into two parts. Tom said that the people who were up at 6 are probably not listening now and they could replay that because it shows the wackiness of what goes on there on the show. Howard thanked Tom for the idea and sent him on his way so he could get back to the show.

  Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who wondered if Tom is treating them differently than he would be if he wasn't leaving the company. Howard said he may be right. Tom came in a few seconds later and said that he hasn't been treating him differently. Dominic was already off the phone though so the argument didn't last long.

• Janks Latest Prank Inspired By Sal The Stockbroker. 04/14/05. 7:45am
  Captain Janks said he was inspired by Sal earlier this morning so he made a prank call to C-Span. He quickly played it for Howard. Janks just said ''Sal the Stockbroker is a homo'' and got hung up on. Janks asked to play a game with Howard after that. Howard said he did have a game where they try to get John the Stutterer to repeat a phrase from the show. Gary came in with the game and played the first clip which was ''Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Howard'' which was a Three Stooges clip. Janks had to guess if John the Stutterer could repeat it without stuttering. Janks guessed that he couldn't. If Janks won, he was going to win a trip to California for a concert festival. Janks got it wrong when he guessed that John couldn't do it. John said it without a stutter. The next clip was ''Keep it real up in the field, aight.'' Janks said that he could do this one without stuttering. He was wrong again. Janks lost but Howard gave him $1000 cash courtesy of the movie ''Kung Foo Hustle.'' Howard said he feels bad for Janks who apparently still works for a gas station.

  Howard replayed the audio clips from ''COPS'' that he played yesterday. In one clip a woman's teeth were falling out while the cops talked to her. Another woman was saying that the cops couldn't arrest her in her own house while she screamed at them. After listening to them Howard said that those guys (cops) don't get paid enough. He had another clip where the cops were dealing with a crazy black woman who didn't want to leave the bar she was at. Howard said you have to be pretty drunk to get kicked out of a bar these days.

• Making Money The Easy Way. 04/14/05. 8:00am
  Howard brought up how shows like The 700 Club are still on the air these days and how weird that is. He played a clip from the show where a guy claimed that he got his eyesight back after some people prayed for him. They believe that God healed the guy's cornea's which were an odd shape. Howard said he would like to see an investigation of this guy's eyesight. He wondered if God would really take good prayers into consideration to heal one man's corneas. Pat Robertson goes on and on talking about how all of the people they have praying for the guy helped save his eyesight. Robertson then says there's nothing impossible with God. Howard heard that and said that he wants x-ray vision if that's the case. He listened to Robertson go on and on talking about how you can heal yourself just by praying. There was a woman on the show saying that she spoke to God and he was telling her that he was going to cure locked limbs and brain aneurism. Howard can't believe that people take that guy seriously and there must be a lot of stupidity on this planet. He said he couldn't sleep at night doing the job that Pat Robertson does. He said that guys like that have to know, deep down, that they're snake oil salesmen and they're stealing money from their followers. Howard went on to pray to Jesus that he'd make Pat Robertson go away.

  Gary came in and told Howard that they have a prayer form to fill out online if you want prayers said for you. Gary went on their web site and found the donation amounts you can make to get in on their club. It ranges from like $84 to $5,000 to get in at the highest level. Gary read some of the other stuff from the site and goofed on it a bit. Jason came in and said that there's one level, the Chairman's Circle, that costs you $10,000 a year. He read some of the features of that level and how you get to talk to Robertson personally if you join. Artie said that you know there are guys donating that only make like forty grand a year. Howard had to take another break a short time later.

• Beasley's Lame Explanation For Fort Myers. 04/14/05. 8:20am
  Howard came back from break and said that maybe tomorrow he'll replay the Sal the Stockbroker stuff from earlier this morning. He said they have Lewis Black coming in today since they had to cancel his appearance on Tuesday when Howard went home sick.

  Howard said that the biggest story in the news right now is that Britney Spears is pregnant. He doesn't get what the big deal is. He changed subjects and talked about how they were taken off the air down in Fort Myers, Florida recently. He explained why he didn't allow the station to renew their contract with him for the rest of the year. He said that the station is owned by the same company that owned the Miami station and that company took him off the air and stopped paying him even though they were under contract. Howard said that they have something up on their web site, 96KRock.com, that says they didn't renew the contract because Howard is leaving the industry. He read their statement and pointed out how wrong they are about some of the stuff they said. He said they make no mention of how they call Howard ''indecent'' in Miami but not in Fort Myers. He's not so thrilled about that. Howard also read a statement from someone in the industry who thinks that they helped make him a star and now he's leaving the industry to go to a new medium. Howard said there were a lot of people who tried to stop him from being a star on terrestrial radio.

  Howard brought up Tyra Banks' show ''America's Top Model.'' He played a clip where Tyra yelled at one of the girls about something she said to one of the other models on the show. He said that's the biggest joke. There's nothing else to being a model other than looking good. In the clip Tyra screamed at this girl and claimed she was doing it because she loved her. Howard just laughed as the clip was playing. He said that has to be the most humiliating thing, to be yelled at by Tyra Banks. Artie said if that was news, the headline should be ''Tirade Banks.'' Howard heard that they're doing a reality TV show about Danny Bonaduce's life. It's obvious to him that they're running out of people to do shows about when they get to that level.

• Phone Calls, Censorship And Stuttering. 04/14/05. 8:30am
  A caller claiming that he was a cop called in and thanked Howard for supporting them. He told Howard about using a tazer and how great they are at taking down a criminal. Howard took another call from this girl Sheri who was in there to get a quote from him a couple of weeks ago. She said she got a B on the paper she wrote about him after getting topless to get some quotes from Howard. She also brought up the censorship in the country and how the government is going after satellite and cable now. Howard said he was pointing out how you never heard that the government never wanted to regulate satellite and cable until he announced that he was moving to satellite radio. He said that there's a conspiracy going on against him and the satellite business right now. He seems to believe that Clear Channel has something to do with it and they have politicians in their back pocket that will be pushing for this indecency thing. Howard said they tried to regulate the internet back in 1996 but it was found to be unconstitutional back then.

  Howard predicts that the cable industry is going to blow it by listening to the government and it will start regulating itself. He said that he thinks that E! will have to drop his TV show because of that and they won't renew his contract at the end of the year. Sheri asked Howard if she could plug her web site before getting off the phone. She said that she's going to appear nude on the site and she's thinking that she'd kind of famous now. Howard wondered what she's going to do on the site. She said that right now she just has pictures of herself on there. She said it's free for now but it could turn into something else. Howard told her he doesn't think she has the look for a pay site. She said she doesn't want money though. Howard told her it sounded kind of stupid to him. She said she has a manager now and he's going to help her out with that stuff. Howard asked her if she was sure she wanted to plug the site. She did want to plug it but Howard and Robin convinced her to think about it a little more before actually doing it.

  Howard replayed the bit Sal did with Gary the Retard earlier where he had him asking a phone operator for the phone number for 1-800-FLOWERS. Howard said that Lewis Black was there to hang out during the news but he had to take a break first. He also said he never finished the game they were playing earlier in the show with John the Stutterer trying to repeat lines from clips they play. He got a caller on the line to finish that game up. The caller asked what movie the Taylor Rain clips came from. Howard said that the clip came from the movie ''Just Over 18 #3.'' He played the John the Stutterer game after that. The caller had to guess whether or not John the Stutterer would be able to repeat the phrase. The first one was ''Hi mommy, are you proud of me?'' The caller guessed that he would be able to say it without stuttering. John stuttered right from the start. The next clip was ''FiAHHHHHH'' The caller guessed John would be able to do it and he was right. He won $1000 courtesy of the movie ''Kung Fu Hustle.'' Howard played another clip for the guys in the studio. It was ''Jack Meyhoffer'' and John wasn't able to repeat that one. Howard went to break right after that.

• Comedian Lewis Black Sits In. 04/14/05. 9:00am
  Comedian Lewis Black came in to promote his new book. Howard said that Lewis is on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and Jon just recently won a Peabody award. He said he's never seen a guy win so many awards before. Howard apologized to Lewis about the other day and how he had to cancel. Lewis didn't seem that upset about it and said it's kind of tough to get in touch with him these days. Lewis and Howard talked about how extraordinary it is that Jon Stewart has won all of these awards, especially the Peabody award which is for excellence in news reporting.

  Lewis said he's out on the road doing comedy shows about 250 days a year which is crazy. Howard said that Jay Leno is out there doing stuff like that as well and still doing The Tonight Show. Lewis said he's not sure why someone would work like that unless there's some weird catholic work ethic that he doesn't know about. Howard said that he tries to have a life for himself on the weekends and can't imagine working that much. Lewis said that he's hot right now and he's trying to make money while he can. Howard wanted to know why Leno would do so many gigs when he's got a job that's paying him really well on NBC. The guys figured that maybe he wants to get away from his wife or something like that. No one was sure what's going on with that guy. Lewis said that he gets sick of hearing his own voice and can't imagine what must go through Jay's head. Lewis said he's never met Jay so he doesn't know him. Artie said that his girlfriend comes with him to about 1 in 4 shows and she gets sick of hearing his voice on stage. Artie says ''Guess how I feel!'' because he's the one hearing his own voice all the time.

  Howard brought up The Daily Show book that's still on the best seller list. Lewis said he knew that book was going to sell well but he had nothing to do with it. He has written his own book called ''Nothing's Sacred.''

  Lewis talked about how he was married for about 8 months at one point. He said that she was a compulsive liar and he couldn't stay with her. Lewis said he sees girls now but doesn't have a steady girlfriend. He said he wrote the book about how he got his point of view on things. He said that he's had the same point of view since he was about 22 years old. That led to the guys talking about how wacky this country has gotten lately with the religious freaks taking over. He said he doesn't get how people younger than him can be so much for the crackdown on indecency. Lewis said that he recently met the new head of the FCC and the guy looked like he was about 16 years old but he's even more for cracking down on indecency than Michael Powell was. Howard and Lewis talked about the government going after cable and satellite. Howard said that he feels like he's in the twilight zone or something. He can't believe that they're going after pay services like that.

  Howard got back to Lewis' book and asked him who the publisher is. Lewis said it's Simon and Shuster. That got Howard talking about Regan books because Judith Regan is moving her business from New York to Los Angeles. He thinks that she's making a bad move. He also talked about Judith's lawsuit against Jenna Jameson. He said he's got to tell Judith that it's a bad idea to sue her because she'll feel like crap taking 10 cents from a porn star.

  Howard asked Lewis how long it took him to write his book and if he wrote it himself. Lewis said he did it himself and it took about 7 months to write. He said that 7 months felt like 500 years though. Howard wondered if Lewis made up stories for his book like Jay Leno did for his book. Lewis said he didn't do that so Howard said that would seem kind of psychotic for someone to do something like that.

  Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she saw him at a comedy show and he was great but she also saw Lewis sitting next to the Cheney's at some event not too long ago and wondered why he would sit next to them. Lewis said he was performing and Dick Cheney just happened to be sitting to his right. Howard tried to take some phone calls after that but Wendy the Retard and High Pitch Eric weren't there for some reason when he picked up. One woman got through and brought up Pat Robertson since Howard was talking about him earlier. She said she went to a Christian school and got to stay in a hotel that was on Robertson's estate. She said the hotel was a five star hotel and it was really nice. Howard wondered when people are going to stop giving money to those religious organizations. Howard and Lewis spent a few minutes on that subject before Howard had to take another commercial break. You can find out more about Lewis' upcoming comedy shows at LewisBlack.net

• And Finally... 04/14/05. 9:35am
  After the break Howard asked the guys how their station's new format ''Great Rock. Period.'' is going. Gary said that it's actually pretty good and he's listening to the station more than he used to. Howard went on to read some mail that they got after Sal mispronounced the word emaciated yesterday. Howard goofed on him for a few minutes about his made up word ''emanciated'' which isn't even a real word. They already had a song parody about the word as well. Howard went through some other mail about Beth and about Pam Anderson being on the phone yesterday. Some guys think that she's a bore on the phone and she's only good to look at. Howard and Gary seem to think she still looks great though. A bunch of people pointed out that she has hepatitis and called her a ''diseased whore.'' Some people said that Fred should have won the last ''Win Fred's Money'' contest because he had 7 out of 7 questions correct. Howard said it's okay because the guy won $10,000. A couple of people thought that Fred should have been credited with the 1 question he got wrong which was about the chemical symbol ''CL.'' Both his answer and the player's answer should have been correct.

  Howard talked about how he was prescribed some Vicodin when he had his root canal surgery done. He said that he doesn't get effected by it that much and he's not sure why so many people think it's so great. Sal the Stockbroker came in and told Howard about how he went to a family camp one year and had his hemorrhoids removed. He was on Vicodin at the time. He ended up drinking a bit with the Vicodin and got totally wasted. He was cursing up a storm so a bunch of guys had to come and take him out of the place. He's now banned from the camp. Howard thanked him for the story and had Robin start her news.

  The guys ended up talking about premature ejaculation after Robin brought up a news story about it. Howard was talking about how there were some women he wasn't able to last more than 10 seconds with. He wasn't sure if it's the way they're build or what but it just feels so good that he's done in a second. Artie and Gary said that they've had that happen when they're with a woman for the first time. Howard said he actually had to get away from a couple of women because he couldn't last that long with them. He said he felt like an idiot when he'd finish after just a short time.

  Vinnie Favale called in a little later to give Howard some advice on being with women but Howard hung up on him. Vinnie has been with the same woman for 20 years so Howard didn't want to hear anything from him. He said Vinnie was going to tell him to wear the woman out with other things before having sex but he didn't care. He had Robin finish up her news after that. He ended the show around 10:35am.

• Sal The Stockbroker Discussions. 04/15/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Sal and Richard's WFAG prank phone call, The Goo Goo Dolls performing ''Name'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show goofing on bad radio shows talking about how it was Friday and how they should all go in and quit their jobs. After that he talked about last night's ''Survivor'' with Beth. Beth turned to him and said ''I wonder what Sal would say if he was here.'' Howard said he was going to replay that Sal stuff from yesterday's show a little later today. Howard said that David Spade left him a funny message about Sal because he was attacked by his assistant Skippy. David warned Howard about Sal and said that at least he's giving him all of the warning signs that he's stalking him unlike Skippy did.

  Howard asked Sal how he was going to get home and watch Survivor with him if he was going to be out late last night. Sal said he was going to do his guest spot at 9:40 and then come back to Howard's place. Sal said when ''Survivor'' came on last night he was thinking about Howard just like he was thinking about him. Howard said he didn't think about Sal, it was Beth who brought it up. Sal didn't sound like he wanted to get into the whole thing today. He thinks he's fine but Howard told him he's really not. Sal's mother was worried about him after the show yesterday. Gary came in and said that some people called him and told him that they really do have an ill person working there. Howard said some people suggested getting Sal checked out by a psychiatrist on the air. Sal told Howard that his dad was listening to him yesterday with some real estate clients and bragging that it was his son but he had to turn it off after 30 seconds and deny that it was his son.

  Sal brought up how he used to have to work in a pizzeria when he was younger and had to work 7 days a week. Howard let him cry about that a little bit and goofed on him about crying about having to work for a living. Howard asked him if he ever wondered why he can't be in the same position that Howard is in. Sal said he doesn't want to ''be Howard,'' he just wants to be next to him. Sal told Howard that he had a strange dream last night about killing himself. He said in the dream his mother gives him some used provolone to return to a deli for Howard. The deli owner didn't let him take it back so he looked at a poster on the wall and it was guns and knives. Robin said that the dream was scaring her but she didn't know what it meant.

  Howard asked Sal how he was going to get back to his apartment and stay over if that had worked out for him. Sal said he would have had a key and would have come home close to 10. Maybe Howard would have been awake because he sleeps erratically. Sal said he reads the email he sends around and sees the times he gets to sleep sometimes. Sal also said that he would cook some stuff up for Howard. He also said he would have slept in the same bed with Howard if there was no room anywhere else in the apartment. Artie was laughing and told Sal he'd better shut up already. This was getting creepier and creepier. Sal thinks that any guy would sleep in the same bed with Howard if they had the chance. Gary doesn't think that any guy out there would want to sleep in the same bed with Howard. Sal asked him if he would sleep in the same bed with his dad. Gary said that his dad is not Howard and it seems like SAl is trying to replace his dad with Howard. Sal went on to tell Howard that he has given him true happiness by giving him the job there. He wants to take it to another level and thinks that Howard must have more to give him. Robin said that she has to get out of there after hearing that. Artie sounded like it sounded like they weren't taking this seriously enough. Howard told Sal that he has to get over this whole thing. Sal was talking about how Howard has this aura about him that he thinks could make him happy. Robin thought that he was making this stuff up but Howard knew that he was serious. Howard said that Sal feels better when he's around him just like he feels better when he's around Beth.

  Gary told Howard that when he cut Sal off on the air recently, Sal went into the bathroom and started talking to himself wondering why Howard doesn't want to know what he has to say. Jason came in and said that he overheard him doing that but Sal denied it. Sal said that Jason sits around eating strawberries with a toothpick in his mouth wanting to be Howard. Sal said he does't want to be Howard, he just wants to be around Howard. Sal told the guys that he doesn't want to be famous, he just wants to be around Howard. He doesn't want to be around celebrities but he did want to be around Ace Frehley. He also bragged that he told Jon Stewart that he stinks. Gary said that he does want to be around celebrities and that's why he went after Ace and Jon. Gary thinks that Sal seems to be messing up this cool career he has going right now by doing all of this stuff. Howard took a couple of phone calls and people think that Sal is out of his mind. Hook Nose Mike asked Howard if he is scared when he hears this stuff. Howard and Robin both said that they don't think Sal is dangerous so they're going to let him stick around. Howard asked Sal if he's ever been arrested. He said one time he got in trouble for kicking in a window. Then he was accused of rape but the girl took that story back and admitted it wasn't true. He was also arrested for spraying graffiti on a store right next to his father's pizzeria. There was also the Karaoke story where he got kicked out of a family camp for cursing in front of kids.

  Bobo called in and told Howard that Sal sounds like he might be gay to the 10th power. Artie told him that he's not gay, he was accused of raping a chick. Howard told Sal to stay away from him and that he should go see a doctor about this. Gary asked Howard if he would invite Sal to a New Year's Eve party if it was happening next week. Howard said that he would invite Benjy before he'd invite Sal to something like that. Howard said he doesn't want to be near the guy after hearing all of this stuff. Once again Sal brought up the father/son comparison. Gary said that maybe Sal should see a therapist but he should want to see one. Sal doesn't see the need for that so he won't be going.

  Doug Goodstein from E! came in and asked Sal what she thinks about all of this. Sal said she's away right now. Doug said that this whole thing is frightening everyone because it's gone so far. Sal said that this whole thing almost caused him to have a panic attack yesterday. Sal said that Howard hadn't responded to his e-mail about staying over at his place and freaked out wondering why he didn't respond. Gary said he hadn't seen the e-mail he sent in the morning and it said that he was waiting to find out so he could pack his things to stay there.

  Sal said that his life is dedicated to the show now and he hasn't even had time to write a new stand-up joke in the past 6 months. Gary came back in with the e-mail that Sal sent at midnight the other night where he was wondering where Howard's response was. Howard said he thought that Sal was pranking Gary but Gary didn't think it was a joke. Doug thought it was a joke as well and told Sal to stop. Doug spoke to Sal the other night and thought that he was just pulling a prank. Sal said he was also talking to Louis the Board Op about how to get closer to Howard and he advised him to go ahead and ask him to do stuff. Louis said he told him to ask him to lunch or something but not ask him for a sleep over. Richard told Howard about how Sal got a call from his wife the other night when they were out at a comedy club and she told him he had to take the garbage out. Sal was going to stay at Richard's place but he had to go home and take out the trash so that's exactly what he did. Sal said that everyone is there to please Howard and there's no bigger ass kisser than Gary. Howard said that Gary is just doing his job and no one is kissing his ass there. They're all just working to make the show what it is. Sal told Gary that he doesn't get that he's just there to please Howard and that's what it's all about. The guys told Sal that he's the one who doesn't get it.

  Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard that there's a psychiatric term for Sal. He told Howard about what it was and read the definition of the term. He said that it could lead to a violent outburst if he isn't pleased. Robin thinks that it could lead to problems so Howard asked Dominic how he can get through to Sal. Dominic asked Sal if he has a relationship with his father. Doug said that Sal was always obsessed with getting Howard's approval even before he started working for the show. He would get all crazy if Howard didn't respond to song parodies and stuff that he sent to the show. Sal seems to think that he's in the clear and things will move on. Howard had to take a break after that.

• Still Goofing On Sal. 04/15/05. 6:55am
  Howard came back from break and played a ''Crazy'' song parody they created using clips of Sal freaking out on the show recently. They also threw in some gay porn clips to go along with that. There was also a replay of a bit that Sal and Richard created as a couple of deejays trying to get a guy to tell them what kind of audio clips he was hearing. They used a gay porn clip as one of them and the guy wasn't able to figure out what it was. After that Howard played a George Takei song parody to the tune of ''Soul Man.'' Howard had some remixed clips of George Takei talking about how Sal likes Howard's tiny wet lollipop. Robin wondered if Sal knew that someone had stuck a sign to his back. Howard said that she spoiled it because he didn't know. Someone had stuck a ''I love Howard'' sign on his back.

  A listener called in and told Howard that he had to have a testicle removed because he got frostbite while he was out snow boarding in Utah. The guy said that it was all black and everything when it got frostbite. Howard heard that and ended up hanging up on the guy because he could feel a pain in his gut when he heard about it.

• Mark Harris Stops In. 04/15/05. 7:00am
  Mark Harris dropped in today dressed up like Prince Charles. He was wearing a mask that was muffling his voice. Mark said that he didn't know about masks, if he did, he wouldn't have bothered with plastic surgery. Howard told him to take off the mask so he could talk to him. He said that Mark has been coming on the show for 13 years now and you have to feel sorry for him. He's come up with tons of ideas for shows and they all fall apart and never make it to the air. Mark thinks that's because Howard shows them on E! and they fall apart. Howard said they went through the logs and found all of the mentions of what Mark has talked about in the past. There were notes from back in 1993 where he talked about a couple of show ideas. Howard read through them and pointed out that none of the stuff has come to fruition. In December of 1993 he talked about writing a book about Martha Raye but that never came out either. Howard told Mark that he is the eternal optimist and he keeps going no matter what happens. Howard went through the year of 1994 where Mark talked about his clothing line and a bunch of other things that he had in the works. 1995 had more of the same. Tons of ideas and nothing ever came of any of them. Then 1996 came around. Mark talked about a TV show he had in the works. Howard predicted that the show would never see the light of day. He was right. Mark continued to talk about more and more ideas over the years and nothing came of any of the stuff. Mark said he's had a lot of fun over the years with all of that stuff though.

  Today Mark was in to talk about ''Tooney Toons.'' He said a company came to him and asked him to animate some of the songs that he has on his web site. Mark is producing the animations. Howard played one of the jingles that Mark has animated while Fred played some porn gagging clips. Mark was singing about the Royal family over in England. Howard got back to the list of failed ideas that Mark had. He also took a call from Captain Janks who was inspired by Mark to make a prank call today. He called C-Span and said that ''Mark Harris is a homo'' and got cut off. Janks told Mark that whenever he comes on the show it's really boring. Vinnie Favale from CBS also called in and told Howard that the list of failed ideas is priceless. He also said that Mark told him that he is being bought out by a phone company. Mark said that they're buying his library of music and they wanted to buy them for people to download on their phones. Howard said that he can guarantee him that no one will buy his Tooney Toons because they are not commercially viable. Mark doesn't seem to care, he'll just keep going on. Howard also thinks that Looney Toons will sue the gay pants off of Mark because it's too close to their name. Mark said that he's already reserved the web site. He's looking to sell all of his stuff for one lump sum. He's hoping to get more for than a million dollars for the library. He says he'll be meeting with the people in mid-May about the deal. That's when he'll find out what kind of deal they have for him. Artie told Mark that announcing those things on Howard's show is a bad idea because it seems to jinx all of them.

  Howard said that all of Mark's businesses have failed so far yet he thinks that someone will be buying all of his songs. Howard read through more of the things Mark has promoted on the show in the past. There were reality shows, a box set of CDs and even more stuff. Mark also said that he was going to do a show with Dice Clay called Famous and Andy but that didn't work out either. Vinnie told Howard about this tribute to 9/11 that Mark has on his web site. He said he's basically singing ''Give my Regards to Broadway'' while the planes are crashing into the World Trade Center. Mark said that's not what happens and Howard should check it out. Howard told Mark it sounds like he's got a winner with these Tooney Toons. He took a break after telling Mark that his web site, AKAMarkHarris.com, had crashed from all of the traffic it was getting.

• Howard Talks To Congressman Bernie Sanders. 04/15/05. 7:49am
  Howard came out of break and read something that Robin had just handed him. He talked about how the main focus of conservative senators has become satellite and cable television shows. There are new rules for fines coming soon that will raise the amount the FCC can fine companies and individuals. Howard said that the future is going to show that everything people use and pay for is going to be censored. Howard had congressman Bernie Sanders on the phone to talk about all of this stuff. Howard thinks that he's the main target but Bernie doesn't believe that's the case. He said that there are a lot of people who believe that if they don't like something, others shouldn't be able to see it. Bernie has introduced a bill that would stop the government from censoring stuff like this. Bernie believes that this is all leading to a country that loses its freedoms. Howard said that there are other shows like The Sopranos that will be censored. Bernie told Howard about what happened to ABC stations when they wanted to show ''Saving Private Ryan.'' Sixty stations refused to air it because they were afraid they'd be fined. Bernie said that he has about 10 other congressmen to support his bill but they need the help of the American public. He asked that they contact their congressman and ask them to support HR1440 which will help stop our rights from being taken away. Howard said all he has to do now is find out who his congressman is. He said he's going to find out who he is and he'll ask him to support HR1440. Bernie said you can find out more about this bill at Bernie.House.Gov.

  Howard said that he and Beth were talking about Artie last night and Beth thinks that Artie might be on coke because he's so thin. Artie said that he swears that he hasn't used coke since 1997. Artie said that he's been able to lose some weight just by not eating after a certain hour of the day. Howard said he wanted to play the Sal tapes but he had to take a break first.

• Sal The Stockbroker Replay. 04/15/05. 8:05am
  After the break Howard played a prank call Sal did to Gary the Retard where he had him asking an operator for the phone number for 1-800-FLOWERS. Gary didn't realize that the company name was the phone number. After that Howard replayed yesterday's segment where Howard revealed Sal's odd request to stay at his apartment. You can read that here. They took a break about halfway through the replay because it went on so long.

• Ralph's Views On Sal's Behavior. 04/15/05. 8:55am
  After playing the whole thing, Howard talked about how they got a lot of e-mail about his odd behavior. They also created a picture of Sal thinking about his hero that they have up on HowardStern.com. They also have links to that bill that Congressman Bernie was promoting earlier in the show. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the V-chip and how people do have the ability to block TV programming they don't want to see already.

  Howard read some of the mail they got about Sal from yesterday's show. Someone thought that it sounded like Sal was jealous of Gary all these years because Gary was close to Howard and he wasn't and maybe that's why he was always goofing on him. There were a bunch of people who thought that Sal sounded kind of dangerous and suggested that he might want to get him out of there. Someone also said they were surprised that someone would admit to something like that.

  Ralph called in and said that Sal could have just stayed in a hotel instead of asking to stay at Howard's house. He thought the whole thing was kind of crazy. He didn't hear the show yesterday so he got up early this morning to hear it all. Howard told Ralph that Sal also thinks that he'll be happy as long as he's working for him and he'd be even happier if he could take the relationship to the next level. Ralph told Howard it was also kind of weird that Sal looks up to Ace Frehley along with Howard. Howard said he felt really weird when Sal was looking at him the way he was looking at him yesterday. He felt like a girl with boobs being stared at by some dude. Sal came in and confronted Ralph saying that Ralph has been the biggest snake over the years. He said that he would never leach off the guy like Ralph does but in the replay Ralph heard Sal talking about how he thought he was a nice guy. Sal thinks that Ralph slithered his way into Howard's life over the years and he doesn't know why he's making it seem like he's a psychotic gay guy. Sal said that Ralph is trying to look like Howard as well and he's turned out to be an A-hole version of him. Ralph bragged that he is friends with Howard though. Ralph told Sal that he'd give Sal some pointers on being Howard's friend if he gives him a thousand bucks. Sal said that Ralph is like a wart on Howard's ass and he's always there. Howard said that Ralph isn't always there and he's never asked him for anything.

  Ralph asked Sal why he wouldn't just shut up already because he should know what the show is all about after listening it for 20 years. Howard said that it's weird that Sal wants to be his friend just because he's famous. Sal doesn't believe that's the case. He said he just enjoys Howard's company and it's soothing to him. Sal said that he was getting drained talking about all of this stuff and he was about to pass out. Howard asked Sal why his company is soothing to him. Sal said it's like a shelter or a security like he feels when he's with his mother. Gary said that Sal is talking about Howard like he's Jesus or something. He's almost like a god to him. Howard asked Sal if he believes he has powers. Sal does not believe he does. Howard asked him if he believes that his enemies are also his enemies. Sal said in a way they are. Gary asked Sal why it was okay for him to goof on his teeth for years but them goofing on this stuff isn't okay. Sal said it's okay to goof on him but he doesn't want to be painted as an evil homo like Ralph was doing. Ralph never called him a homo though so no one understood why that was happening.

  Ralph asked Howard who he would rather have at his house, High Pitch Eric, Sal or Gary the Retard. Howard said he would probably have Gary the Retard over before Sal or Eric. Artie gave Sal an F-Marry-Kill of Pam Anderson, Jenny McCarthy and Howard. Sal said he wouldn't sleep with Pam because she's diseased and Jenny McCarthy is so annoying that he'd probably strangle her. A short time later Sal said that he's a father of 3 kids and he's a nice guy, he just admires Howard for what he's done on radio for the past 20 years. Howard had to take another break before getting to a quick game of Stump the Booey.

• Stump The Booey With Jesse And His Niece Amber. 04/15/05. 9:30am
  Howard came back from break and played a new bit from Richard Christy who took clips of Sal's delusional thoughts about hanging out with Howard and created a movie commercial. There was also a new song parody from Dan the Song Parody Man to the tune of ''Let's Spend the Night Together.''

  Howard moved on to play a game of Stump the Booey after that. This guy Jesse came in with his stripper niece. The niece was there to get naked just in case he loses the game against Gary. Howard asked Jesse if it was weird for him to bring in his niece to get naked. He said that his sister-in-law is the one who set everything up. Jesse said that he's been told not to look at her when she's naked but he wouldn't mind checking her out, because he is a guy after all. Howard told the niece that she would have to show them all her goods if Jesse loses. She doesn't have a problem with that. She said that she strips at a club called The Oasis in Philadelphia. She said that she will let guys grab her ass sometimes when she's working. She doesn't go home with any of them though. She's 21 years old and claims that she has had sex with girls before. This was news to Jesse who hadn't heard that. She said she was about 18 when that happened. She said she prefers men over women and does have a boyfriend right now. Jesse said he was ready to leave after hearing that stuff. Howard finally asked her what her name was. She said it's Amber. Howard said Amber was wearing low cut jeans that were showing off her thong. Jesse jokingly asked Howard if he could stay at his apartment tonight, referring to Sal's request that he's been goofed on about for the past two days.

  Howard had Amber get behind the curtain they have in the studio so she could strip down. If Jesse loses, they drop the curtain so all of the guys can see her naked. Robin said she wasn't going to root for Gary today because this was just wrong to have an uncle and a niece in there in this way. Howard told Amber the rules and started the game. He played short clips of songs and both Gary and Jesse had to write down the name of the song and the artist who performed it. Here are the songs:

  1. ''Let the Music Play'' by Shannon - Jesse missed it, Gary got it.
  2. ''8675309'' by Tommy Tutone - Both got it correct.
  3. ''Don't Know What You Got 'Till It's Gone'' by Cindarella - Both missed it.
  4. ''In Your Eyes'' by Peter Gabriel - Jesse missed it, Gary got it.
  Jesse blew it so Howard had the guys drop the curtain after telling Gary to put on his birka. Howard gave her a ''Wow!'' and said that her body was really nice. She had a great ass too according to Howard. Howard told her that she had some nice boobs as well and didn't need implants. Howard ended up giving Amber a trip for 2 to the Conchilla festival in Indeo, California to see a bunch of bands. Amber told Jesse that he wasn't going on the trip since he lost. Howard said he likes Jesse as well and gave him $1000 courtesy of the movie ''Kung Fu Hustle.'' He had to take a break after wrapping up with them.

• The Mike Walker Gossip Game. 04/15/05. 10:00am
  After the break Howard was listening to Green Day's ''Boulevard of Broken Dreams.'' He said that the song is great but the lead singer is wearing eye makeup and he just doesn't get that. Artie said he got the album and the whole thing is good. They spent a minute on that and then got Mike Walker on the phone to play his weekly Gossip game. Howard gave him a plug for his book ''Rather Dumb : A Top Tabloid Reporter Tells CBS How to Do News'' and started the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
  1. Mary Kate Olsen has taken out a million dollar insurance policy on her new dog just in case it decides to bite someone. She has also had a microchip installed in the dog so they can track it down in case it disappears.
  2. Teri Hatcher visited a Macys in Beverly Hills to return a skirt that she hated. The sales person told her she couldn't return it for a refund but could have a store credit. Hatcher demanded a refund but the line of shoppers behind her suggested she take the credit so that's what she did.
  3. Frankie Muniz held up production of the movie ''Horizons Never End'' because his assistant didn't get him crunchy peanut butter for his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. They had to send someone out to a store 27 miles away to pick up the correct crunchy peanut butter.
  4. Ellen Degeneres has demanded that her girlfriend, Portia De Rossi, cut all ties with her ex-girlfriend. Portia was holding on to a house that her ex was renting out but Ellen put a stop to that. Portia's ex was seen leaving the house crying when some buyers took a tour of the home.
  Howard and Fred picked story number 1 as the false story. Robin picked story 2 and Artie went with story 3. The actual false story was number three. Howard wrapped up with Mike after that and had Robin start her news.

• Sal And Gary's Wild Weekend Discussed. 04/15/05. 10:20am
  During the news Jeff the Drunk called in and asked if he could stay at Howard's apartment next week when he's in with his sister. He was referring to the Sal the Stockbroker story of course. That led to them playing the ''Let's Spend the Night Together'' song parody featuring Sal and some George Takei remixed clips about Sal. Robin finished up her news after that.

  As they were wrapping up the show, Sal came in and told Howard that he and Gary will be appearing at the Morongo Casino out in California this weekend. Gary said that he's kind of freaked out that he's going to be stuck in the car with Sal and Beetlejuice out there. Beetlejuice has been wearing a diaper lately and when he messes in the diaper, he doesn't tell anyone. Sal is in charge of Beetlejuice and said that he'll just make him go in the bathroom and change himself and clean himself up. Sal said that Beet was in the car with Bob Levy last week and when Beet crapped himself, Bob started to gag and stuck his head out the window. Beetlejuice asked Bob ''What's your problem pal?'' Gary said that they just drop Beetlejuice off in New Brunswick and let Bob Levy pick him up to bring him to the airport. They're all supposed to fly out to L.A. Together this weekend. Gary and Sal talked about how out of it Beetlejuice seems to be. He acts like Sal the babysitter and Sal the Stockbroker are two different people. Howard wondered why Gary is doing this whole thing. Gary said he didn't know that he was going to be flying out with them and that he'd be stuck in the same car with them. Gary is thinking about renting a car for himself this weekend so he doesn't get stuck with those guys. Sal is the one who made the deal so Gary said he's not going to have anything to do with it. Sal may have to change Beet's diaper on the plane if he messes himself. Gary said he's going to pretend he doesn't know those guys when they start their whole scene if that happens.

  Sal said that Gary asked him to call Sean (Beet's manager) and remind him to pack extra diapers for Beetlejuice. Sal said he was so embarrassed to ask him to do that. He laughed his ass off as he was telling the story. Sal also said that when Beet crapped himself in Bob's car, he blamed High Pitch Eric even though Eric wasn't in the car. Gary heard that and said that he's definitely going to rent a car this weekend. Sal was telling the guys that Beetlejuice will walk into a non-smoking hotel room and light up his cigarette as soon as he walks in. Howard said he must just be lazy if he knows how to smoke but still makes a mess in his pants.

  Gary said that Bob Levy wrote him some jokes for this weekend. He's got about 2 minutes worth of material to use when he goes up on stage this time. Usually he has nothing to say. Howard asked Sal what he's going to do if Beetlejuice craps himself on the flight out there. Sal said he has no idea. Levy apparently told him that he's not going to sit next to him because he's had to put up with that stuff in the past. Sal told another story about Beetlejuice sitting in his diaper in the hotel room watching American Bandstand one time. He said it was a funny sight. Sal was laughing his ass off as he told some of the stories about what goes on when they go off and do these shows together. Sometimes Beetle will just get up and walk away and vanish for a while. Howard wondered why the E! guys aren't following them around. They'll go to every strip club opening but they don't think about doing this stuff. Doug from E! came in and said that they'd go if he knew about it before hand. This was the first he was hearing of it.

  Howard seemed fascinated by the story and continued to ask Sal about what goes on with Beet right up until 11 o'clock. Gary said that they're going to be flying in tonight and have to drive from the airport to the hotel out in L.A. and Beetlejuice might be sitting there in a dirty diaper. Howard said that Beet will probably have to pee four or five times on that flight. Howard said he might have to go see this himself. Artie said he was almost part of that show. He had other things going on though. Gary said he'd tell Howard about all of this stuff on Monday. He said he knows there's going to be a commotion on the flight out there. He's going to be in business class trying to sleep and he figures he's going to wake up in the middle of the flight and they'll be there screwing around with Beetlejuice. Howard ended the show right around 11am.