Howard and Robin also quickly mentioned how Eddie Van Halen has been treated for tongue cancer recently. Howard said it's a good thing he doesn't have much to say, otherwise he'd be in trouble. Jackie cracked a couple of jokes about him while they were talking about it.
Howard heard that Scott DePace's party was pretty fun this weekend but Gary was unable to go because his baby sitter canceled at the last minute. Gary said she claimed that she was sick with the flu but he thinks she probably realized that it was Memorial Day weekend and wanted to do something more fun. Gary said he was looking forward to just getting away from the kids for a while. Howard reminded Gary that he warned him about getting married and having kids. This all led to Howard reading a story about how 21 year old basketball player Kobe Bryant is now engaged to an 18 year old high school girl. Howard can't believe that he would do this and thinks that the marriage will only last a short time. He went on to read that the girlfriend has a 7 carat diamond ring and the school asked her to stop wearing it to class. She actually has to finish her schooling at home because the press is all over the story and hanging out at her school. Howard was also wondering if Kobe's name came from the Japanese beef Kobe. A listener called in later and said he has seen a trivia question about Kobe's name and his parents named him after a food. Howard then said that if Gary was named after a food he probably would have been named ''Pizza Pie Dell'Abate''. Gary made some joke about Howard being named ''Humentach Stern'' if he were named after a food his parents were eating.
A listener called in and told Howard that this magazine ''Stuff'' has a story about Don Johnson buying gay porn at some adult store. He told Howard that they have the security camera pictures and even his receipt with his name on it. It says that he bought some gay porn mags, condoms, lube and a ''slip on'' toy. Howard says that he can't believe that Don Johnson is gay and he'll give him the benefit of the doubt until he interviews him. Howard and the gang tried to figure out what reason he would have for buying gay porn. They thought that perhaps it was on a dare that he did it or maybe he was buying it to goof on someone.
Joan Rivers was out in the green room and volunteered her dog Spike to receive the ''Monica'' from Chrissy. Joan came in and said that Spike is 70 years old (in dog years) so this would be a great way for him to go out. At least he'd enjoy his last few minutes on earth that way. Joan said that Spike has only had sex 3 times so this would make him happy.
Joan suggested that Chrissy just get a second job to pay for her own implants instead of giving oral to a dog. Chrissy claims that she only brings home about $100 a week as a medical assistant. Her boyfriend, who also came in the studio, says he only makes about $25,000 a year and he has a lot of bills to pay so he can't afford to buy the implants. Joan then suggested that Chrissy should get a job at a plastic surgeon's office so she could get a discount on her implants.
Chrissy eventually had tears welling up in her eyes but it wasn't because she wasn't getting the implants. It was because Howard insulted her with the ''male model'' reference. He then gave her a prize for coming in. He gave her tickets to a concert that will be held about 20 minutes from where they live now so it wasn't much but it's better than nothing. Joan also gave her one of her Joan Rivers Collection watches. They joked that it would only take Chrissy about 12 or 13 years to save up enough to get her own implants.
Howard also brought up the fact that Joan is friends with Kathie Lee Gifford. Howard can't believe that she would be friends with such a phony. Joan says that she's really not a phony, she's a very nice person. Howard spent a few minutes talking to her about Kathie Lee. Joan says that she's been out with Kathie and Kevin Costner for lunch. She said that Kevin is a magnet for women. Howard asked Joan if she thinks Kathie Lee would cheat on Frank to get back at him. Joan doesn't think so. After hearing all of this Robin said she thinks Joan may be becoming a phony herself.
Howard eventually got around to plugging all of Joan's stuff. This week she's got a special ''mini-series'' going on each night on QVC at 11pm. She's also got her E! Fashion Review this Saturday at 3pm on E!. You can also visit her web site at JoanRivers.com to find out more.
After Joan left someone found her notes which had a lot of jokes written down. Howard read through them and there were a lot of funny lines that she didn't get to during the interview. After reading a bunch of them Howard said that she's a really good writer. He seemed to enjoy all of her dopey little jokes.
Chrissy came back in wearing her bathing suit. Howard said she had a nice body other than her chest which looked horrible in the bathing suit. Robin said that it was just a bad top for her to wear. She also had some strange spots on her arms which she claims are from having the chicken pox a couple of years ago. Howard eventually got to the questions which were:
Cane's producer, Crazy Cabbie, was also one of the judges. He told Howard how women come on to Cane all the time. He gets to talk to a lot of them himself but he can get laid on his own somehow even though he's kind of fat. Cane said Cabbie is good looking even though he's fat and he can't explain it.
A black dwarf by the name of Tremain, Trey for short, was the next judge. He wrote a letter to the show saying that he would be a good judge so he was invited down. He told Howard that even he's been able to get laid by full sized women... but not Rachel Hunter. Howard said he didn't believe him though.
Scott Brooks was the next judge.. He's the Budweiser commercial ''Wassup'' guy. He told Howard that he came up with the whole idea but then told him the truth. He said the idea came from some short film that a friend of his did and he just auditioned for the part in the commercial and did it perfectly. He said that he doesn't have to work now that he's made so much money from the commercial and appearances he makes. He even does parties for a few grand a pop. All he has to do is go up to the microphone and say ''Wassup'' a few times. He had a chick with him so Howard had her come in. She's a web mistress and has her own site at MissBunny.com. She stripped down a bit for Howard and the guys.
Trey had a few women with him also so they came in for a quick visit. They didn't strip down though. Howard got rid of them after a minute.
The first woman to come in was Cathy. She's a 33 year old, divorced mother of 2. She was beautiful according to Howard. She said that years ago she was accepted to be in Playboy but her husband was upset about it so she never did it. Now she wants to try and get in again. Howard saw in his notes that she didn't have an orgasm until the age of 32 so he discussed that wit her a little bit. She claims that she never had one until she got a vibrator. No man had ever been able to do it for her.
After checking her out a little bit everyone agreed that she wouldn't be ''Playboy'' material. She took her top off and Cane immediately noticed that one nipple was too high. He said her legs were good though. Trey said ''there's something missing'' but couldn't pinpoint it. Cabbie said she has a ''Dan Marino ass''. He said it's square instead of rounded. He also said her complexion was kind of ''rutty''. Cane disagreed until she came closer. Howard went around to each guy and asked if she was Playboy material. Everyone said ''No.'' As she was leaving someone said ''Goodbye Grandma!'' Ouch!
The second woman was Kelly, a 29 year old mother of 1. Kelly is a stripper and she was wearing something Howard called a costume. As she came in he said ''Happy Halloween.'' Her clothes came off shortly after coming in the studio. She had huge breasts that hung to the side. Howard asked her to take off her pants to make sure she didn't have a penis. He mentioned that her measurements were 34D-18-34, she's blonde and she is equally attracted to men and women. Her son is 10 years old. Wassup Scott was first to point out her stretch marks, ''hail damage'' on her legs, fat knees and bad boob job. He said there's no way she'd be in Playboy. Cabbie said her hair was bad and her face looked stretched out like Joan Rivers. He also thought that her bottom teeth were bad. Trey said she's got to be lying about her age. Cane agreed. They all said no way to Playboy. Cabbie said that she might be okay for ''Easy Rider'' magazine but that's it. Howard suggested that she have a good doctor work on the breasts to put them back on her chest. Kelly said she wasn't even that interested in Playboy, she just wanted to come in and meet Howard.
Howard let everyone plug their stuff before ending the segment. Cane and Cabbie can be heard on WXRK in New York City from 6-10pm. Cabbie said you can e-mail him at CrazyCab@hotmail.com. Scott Brooks just plugged his girl's web site MissBunny.com
Gary came in and wanted to ask Robin one question. He's seen Larry Bird on TV lately at these basketball games and wanted to know if Robin was stuck on an island would she rather be with Larry Bird or Jeff VanGundy. Robin went with Larry. Everyone agreed that Larry has started to literally look like a bird and it's disturbing. Robin was then asked if she'd rather be with Larry Bird or Gary. She went with Larry again. Then she was asked ''Gary or Jeff VanGundy?'' She went with Gary that time. Then it was Patrick Ewing or Gary. She went with Patrick. She said that he's got something that Gary doesn't. He's athletic. Howard asked her ''Gary or feces'' but she didn't answer that one. She was also asked ''Crazy Cabbie or Gary'' and she went with Cabbie.
KC came in again and brought up how his dog seems to love him because he feeds it. Howard told him that dogs just get used to a routine and being fed so it seems like they actually show affection for people but they're really not showing ''love'' toward people. Gary said KC probably wants to believe that he has Snoopy living in his house ''..writing novels and flying planes..'' while he's at work. Robin was agreeing with all of this but then Fred played tape of Robin talking to her horse at a horse show. It didn't help her argument.
Kevin lets his feelings out at ViewAskew.com so check it out. He also runs a comic book store in Red Bank, New Jersey.
Howard also brought up the fact that he spoke to his mother recently and found out that his father wasn't a virgin when they got married. Howard wanted to find out more but Ben was being tight lipped about it. He didn't want to give out much info but hinted that he'd had sex with more than one woman before Howard's mother. Howard asked him if they were hookers or women in other countries because he was in the war. Ben kept his mouth shut. He told Howard that it was a different time back in the 1940's and people weren't as promiscuous as they are now. He was able to get a couple of women with his charm though. Howard really tried to get more out of him but it just wasn't happening.
The first contestant, Suzanne Rickmans (sorry for the misspell) who is from Australia! She is a medical transcriber down under. She and her fiance are going to get married in Las Vegas after this game is over with.
Contestant number 2 was Donovan Dwyer from Louisiana. He's a graphic designer for some kennel club.
Contestant 3 is Dwayne Allen from Ontario, Canada. He's unemployed now so he could really use the money.
Contestant number 4 is Linda Stevenson from Arkansas. She's a 32 year old mother of 2.
Contestant 5 was David Veillette, an administrator for the Navy from Texas.
Each contestant was brought in the studio and asked 3 questions for the first round. Whoever answered the most correctly would move on to round 2. Then those people would compete for the next round until there is only one winner. Here are the first round questions:
Howard took a break and came back to play Round 2. This time they had 5 questions and 60 seconds to answer them. Here are the questions that were asked of each contestant:
A listener called in and told Howard that the questions were way too easy for a million bucks. Howard then gave him some of the round 3 questions that were going to be asked next. Here are a few of those:
Howard next brought in some of the press that were waiting around to interview the winner. Someone from ''Entertainment Tonight'' was there and asked a couple of dopey questions about what Dwayne is going to do with the money. She also asked Howard how it felt to give away a million. Howard started to say that it was the most he's ever given away and Robin chimed in saying ''You've given away more than that.. in your divorce (legal separation)'' That was like a punch in the stomach. Howard said that was more painful because it was his own money.
Someone was also there from the Associate Press and asked similar dopey questions. Everyone wanted to know what Dwayne is going to do to celebrate but even Dwayne wasn't sure. He mentioned having a cigarette and a beer but other than that he doesn't really have plans.
''Entertainment Tonight'' asked Howard more questions than they asked Dwayne. The woman wanted to know who Howard is dating. Howard said that he's not dating anyone, he just has a lot of female ''friends.''
Dwayne gave a shout out to hockey player Maurice Richard who just died up in Canada before he left. Howard suggested that Dwayne go out and buy a razor to celebrate his winnings.
After the game Howard got a lot of complaints from listeners. Someone suggested that they give away $50,000 to 20 people instead of a million to only one. That way you'd have 20 happy people instead of just one. There were complaints about how easy the questions were also but Howard thought it was funny that people couldn't answer the easy ones.
Howard said there must be someone out there who likes him so he went through a bunch of calls to find one. He finally found a woman who is a big fan of his. She said she loves him and even asked him if he's single. Howard found a second person who thought Gilbert was funny but the guy ended up asking Howard a dumb question about getting some ''strange'' after 20 years of having the same ''baloney sandwich''.. meaning his wife. Howard didn't understand what the guy was talking about. He says he hasn't gotten any ''strange'' but no one believes him.
Hank the angry, drunken dwarf eventually called in to say that he likes Gilbert. Howard said it doesn't count coming from a drunk guy but Hank said he wasn't drunk, just hung over.
Howard was talking about how wacky the divorce laws are where people get 50 percent of their spouses money. He mentioned how Janet Jackson's husband is now seeking like $25 million from her. People think that it's wrong for men to get 50% of their woman's money but when it's reversed it's okay. He went on to say that he hopes that Janet's husband gets that money. He made it sound like he was upset about losing half of his money to his wife in their separation but later said he didn't have a problem giving up the money for her. He sounds confused.
Crazy Cabbie was on the phone because he'd left a picture of himself on Howard's console and Howard was kind of upset about it. Howard told him not to do that kind of stuff anymore. He then brought up how Gary is trying to locate Cabbie's birth parents who gave him up for adoption. Gary found out that the mother had other children but kept them all. The only one she gave up was Cabbie. He seems to think that they're just regular Minnesota folks without any money so he's not expecting much if and when he meets them. Gary is hoping to find the people to invite them on the show within the next couple of weeks.
Yesterday Howard told Kevin Smith that he'd watch the ''Clerks'' animated show but he missed it after falling asleep. He still wants to see it though. KC told him that it was pretty funny. Robin said that she missed the new show ''Survivor'' which led to a short discussion about it. Howard said it's a rip-off of MTV's ''Real World'' but it's pretty good. Howard had seen the show and said it was kind of disturbing to watch the old people on the show. He went on to talk about other old people who lie about their age. He mentioned Imus' partner Bernard who claims to be like 39 but Gary knows that he's more like 43 or 44. Howard also brought up David Brenner and Kathy Griffen who also lie about their age.
Howard told Robin that something cool happened to him the other day. Jolie Fisher lives in the same building as him and she came up to him one day. She told him that she had a bunch of her friends over and they were sitting around in their panties and Jolie thought about knocking on Howard's door but she never did. Howard asked her why she didn't and she just laughed it off. He was serious though. He really would have enjoyed that but she thought he was joking.
This guy Tom called Howard's office the other day saying that he wanted to bring his 17 year old daughter in so Howard could see her huge breasts. Howard had the guy on the phone to let him know how wrong it was for him to even think about doing that. Tom says that his daughter actually needs breast reduction surgery and was hoping that Dr. Calabro would be able to do that for her. Howard told him that Dr. C doesn't do that kind of work and he wasn't going do have the girl down even if she was just in a bathing suit. A short time after Howard got off the phone with Tom, his ex-wife Debbie called in. She said that ''dick-ass'' (Tom) is not allowed to bring their daughter down there no matter what. Howard told her that they'd already settled that and asked her not to yell at him. She said she wasn't yelling at him, she was just letting ''dick-ass'' know that he can't do it. Howard ended up talking to her about her divorce from ''dick-ass''. Tom ended up calling back and the two of them went at it for a couple of minutes. He called her a ''cow'' and she said that he has a small penis. Apparently she's now with Tom's best friend and says that his penis is larger that Tom's. Tom actually said that the two of them can usually talk on the phone with each other without fighting. After a few minutes of this Howard moved on.
Howard played tape from last night's ''Entertainment Tonight'' where they were supposed to be reporting on the million dollar giveaway they did on the show. They actually led off with a story about Howard and Robin Givens instead of the million dollar story. Howard said he looked horrible on camera too. He said that ET isn't allowed to come in next time, he wants ''Extra'' instead.
Howard read a story about a 19 year old kid who's been charged with sexually assaulting a 25 pound lamb and killing it. The kid apparently dropped his wallet at the scene and was caught.
This led to a listener calling in with a sex story about himself. He told Howard how he had sex with his father when he was about 15 years old. The guy said that he and his father would watch porn together and his dad whipped out his penis one time. Eventually his father and he did some stuff to each other. The kid later went out and had sex with 3 girls in 2 months to prove his heterosexuality. Howard told the guy that they should get him and his father on the show to do a confrontation about that. The guy wasn't so sure that he wanted to do that though.
Big Black called in to play tape of last night's ''Survivor'' show but never got to it. Howard and the gang did talk about the show but it was mostly about how the old Navy Seal guy on the show can't start a fire. Howard thought that was pretty strange that he's this ''special'' guy and he can't even start a simple fire. A couple of military guys called in after that. One guy, a Green Beret, said that they're better than the Navy Seals and he'd be able to start a fire with two sticks to rub together. A short time later a Navy Seal called in and said that he could start a fire no problem. Robin said it looks like that guy on ''Survivor'' is just giving Navy Seals a bad name.
Howard then moved on to ask why some men are ''chubby chasers''. Dr. Devore says that it's a fetish just like men who like feet. Howard seems to think it's alcohol that makes them attracted to fat women. Dr. Devore said that these men usually like to have sex with the folds of the woman's skin. A couple of guys called in saying that they like nice rounded women but Dr. Devore was talking about really obese women who are REALLY overweight. Howard told the Dr. That he knows a lot of freaky stuff. Howard spoke to him about this for a couple of minutes but soon gave up on it. He asked Dr. Devore what sex he's dating at this point. Dr. Devore said that he's dating another ''intersex'' and wouldn't say if it was a man or woman. Howard eventually got him to say that the intersex partner ''appears as a man''. Howard told him that he's gay and just won't admit it. If you think you're an ''intersex'' person and would like to contact Dr. Devore, just give him a call at 310-274-6726.
Sunshine says that she doesn't have her engagement ring yet, it's still at the store. She claims that it's shaped like a heart though. Gary asked her if they could call Leo to ask about this engagement but she says he sleeps all day long. She claims that he set up an 800 number for her to call because she's a college student and can't afford to call him on her budget.
Sunshine kept mis-using the phrase ''Catch 22'' during the conversation so Gary finally asked her if she knows what that means. She said she did but after the explanation there's no way she has a clue. (My head was spinning just trying to take notes on this chick!) A bunch of callers told Howard that she was nuts and should be locked up. One guy said that she could be cured with ''a blow to the head.'' Fred threw in a few ''Koo Koo'' sound effects along with the ''Twilight Zone'' music. She really sounds disturbed and probably needs some professional help.
Gary said that the guy who came up with this game has more so they'll be playing them tomorrow. Gary also asked Howard about some other cartoons he and his son were watching the other day. He brought up the ''Legion of Doom'' and the Bizarro Superman.
Director Kevin Smith, who owns a comic book store, was on the phone to help answer the ''Darkseid'' question. Howard broke the news that his cartoon ''Clerks'' did pretty well last night. Gary had given Howard the ratings break down from last night earlier in the show. ''Clerks'' beat out the showing of ''Species'' on CBS but was also beaten by the basketball game that was on against it. The game had a 21 rating while ''Clerks'' had a respectable 7.6. Howard told Kevin that he still wants to see it so Kevin said he'd send him all 6 episodes. KC liked the cartoon but Fred didn't. Kevin it was nice to hear Fred's honesty.
Robin Radzinski came in but didn't want Jackie leering at her so Howard kicked him out of the studio while he felt her up. She went over to him and he felt her breasts for a minute or so and guessed that one of them was fake and it turned out she had 2 fake breasts in her bra. Howard said after he felt her up she ran out of the studio like she'd just been raped. Gary asked Howard if he got excited touching them because he did just watching him do it. Howard said he did get a little aroused.
Howard also pointed out that Russ is divorced but that happened 5 years ago before the AOL takeover. Russ lives in California so she got half of his stuff and made out pretty good. He's now engaged to be married again and Howard wanted to know if there will be a pre-nuptial agreement. Russ said that things will be taken care of.
Russ told Howard that Movifone is now hi-fi and sounds better than ever. Plus, it has voice recognition so you don't have to hit the phone numbers to get your info. In most areas the number for Moviefone is 777-FILM or you can visit Moviefone.com to get your movie info. Russ also said that you can buy your tickets in advance through Moviefone and you pick up your tickets at the theater for no extra charge. Robin said that she uses it all the time. Howard told Russ that the next thing for Moviefone would be to have ''Bad Moviefone'' where they review movies and tell you not to go or tell you to bring a barf bag with you to the movie.
Penn said that he isn't married and doesn't really have a girlfriend now but he does date women now and then. He dated Robin for a short period of time but she dumped him.
Penn & Teller are appearing at the Beacon Theater in New York City from June 6-11. Howard said that he wants to go see the show but doesn't want Penn pulling him out of the audience to do a trick with him. Penn said he'd leave him alone but his name is mentioned in the show. He didn't say exactly why though.
Howard took a quick break and came back to play the game with Mike. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard spent another minute with Penn. Penn was telling him about this bullet catching trick that they do in their show. Howard said that they catch bullets in their teeth but Penn made sure to tell him it's just a trick because one magician was shot to death when an audience member stood up and told the guy to ''catch this!'' and shot him in the face. Penn said the trick is dangerous and 12 magicians have died doing it. He also said they may not be able to do it in New York because they use real guns and that's a no-no in the city. He described how another magician was killed doing the trick. He said it was in the days of muzzle loading and the guy used a blob of wax to pull the bullet out of the gun when he was tamping it in with his magician's stick. The only problem was when he tamped the muzzle after pulling the bullet out the white tip of his stick fell off. He ended up getting shot with his own magic stick end. Ouch! You can find out more about Penn & Teller at SinCity.com