Crazy Cabbie came in to give us an update about his recent break up. He says the break up is still sticking and he's not getting back with the woman he was supposed to marry next month. He told Robin that she was wrong about it being a goof. He said on the night of the break-up he got the best night of sleep he's gotten in years. He did say that he was sorry for doing the break-up on the air in front of 15 million listeners though. Cabbie thanked Howard for giving him the balls to do what he really wanted to do. The woman's mother e-mailed Cabbie and said that he should get $1000 from Howard to pay for the stuff that was already paid for the wedding. It's not Howard's fault though. Howard suggested that Cabbie pay back the family himself but Cabbie said it would take about a year to save up that much money. Robin still thinks that he'll change his mind and said to just wait 6 weeks or so to see what happens.
Jackie the JokeMan sounded like Sylvester the cat this morning. This weekend he had some oral surgery and his mouth was all swollen. He now has to wear a dental plate that makes it hard for him to speak. He also said that after the surgery he looked like he'd been hit in the face with a board.
Howard spent a little time talking about going to Scott Einziger's girlfriend's birthday party over the weekend. He said that Cabbie was hitting on women at the party and was making out pretty well. Someone asked if Ralph is getting jealous of Cabbie hanging out with Howard so much. Howard said that Ralph doesn't seem to like Cabbie too much and it might just be jealousy. Stuttering John was at that party and Howard said that John kept asking him if he had any weed to smoke. Howard said he didn't even say ''hello'' to him before asking for the weed and it was kind of strange. Everyone seems to think that John might be addicted to the stuff. John said he only smokes about once a week. Every week for the past 20 years or so he's smoked though.
Mike Gange was also at the party trying to pick up women and not having any luck. Howard said he's always been that way. He can become a woman's friend but he rarely ever gets to date a woman. Howard told him he's too nice. He has to become more like Cabbie who just tells it like it is. Cabbie said he just tells the women exactly what he wants and they seem to like that ''bad boy'' thing. Howard said Gange just whines about everything and can't close the deal. Stuttering John said Gange really needs help. Gange asked for someone to help him out. ''He's 30 years old and he doesn't know how to pick up a woman!'' John said.
Jerri told Howard that her husband asked that if she made it on the air that she give him anal sex. She told Howard that she's going to back out of that offer though. That led to a discussion about how guys can get anal from their women. Ronnie the limo driver came in and told Howard how he goes about getting it from his woman. He said he turns on a Mets game and lies down next to his wife spooning her. He said she gets so bored that he can work his way in there after a little while.
||Captain Janks Ugly List
Big Black called in with tape of a local news woman who was in a crime enactment on FOX recently. He explained it to Howard but he zoned out during the explanation so he just had him play the tape. The news woman freaks out and screams at the person who attacks her. Howard enjoyed hearing the women screaming.
Howard took a bunch of calls this morning to kill some time. One 19 year old college kid called in and took a bong hit on the air. Another guy asked Howard if he could write his school paper on why Howard is the man of the millennium. Howard wouldn't write it himself but he told the kid why he could be considered the man of the millennium. One caller told Howard that he's now in love with the woman with the finest ass who was on the Saturday night show this past weekend. Howard said the longer version of that segment will air on E! this coming Friday.
KC came in and told Howard that he left a few women off of his Top 10 list yesterday. He said he forgot to put Kate Moss, Elle McPherson and Naomi Campbell on.
A caller brought up how he just saw Star Jones on the recent Daytime Emmy show and couldn't believe how fat she is. That led to Howard playing tape of Star talking about how she's decided to be celibate until she finds the right man. Howard said that the reason she's decided to do that is because she's fat and can't get a man. Howard and the crew were taking guesses at just how fat she is and it ranged from around 300 pounds all the way up to 400.
Howard said that Charlie was recently arrested and was calling people to bring him $500 to bail him out. He told Howard he was arrested for ''..smoking a blunt'' but Gary said it was more like conspiracy to sell marijuana or something like that. Mike Gange came in and said that when Charlie got out of jail he didn't even have shoes so they had to get him a pair. He also said that when he called Charlie's wife about him being in jail she didn't care. We then learned that Charlie has 6 kids. Howard just guessed at that number and got it right on the first try.
Gary had been in his office talking to Charlie over his video camera feed about some stuff. Then Howard took a phone call from someone who offended Charlie. He thought it was Gary so he started to goof on him. He was talking about how Gary was eating on camera and making fun of him. Gary was trying to tell Charlie that it wasn't he who offended him, it was a phone caller. Charlie didn't get it though. He still thought it was Gary and he threatened to blow up his house.
A caller claiming to be Charlie's landlord called in but it turned out to be a goof. He said that Charlie's $2000 a year home was actually a mental hospital in New Jersey. Charlie didn't find it funny. He said the guy sounded gay and that he was an asshole. Eventually Howard wished Charlie luck and shook his hand. Charlie thought that Howard was afraid of black people and he wouldn't shake his hand. Howard jokingly said he is afraid of black people but he'd shake his hand anyway.
A listener called in and told Howard that he loves ''Son of the Beach''. He then asked for tickets to the Dysfunctional Family Picnic concert that his station is having in New Jersey next month. Howard said he could play a game for the chance to win so they played ''Jackie True-False''. The guy had to get 3 out of 5 correct. He got the first three right but KC read off a few more of them after the call. Here are the questions:
Gary had a ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' game that a listener sent in for Howard to play. He'd told Howard during a break that the game was ''geared toward him''. Howard misunderstood and thought that it was a Howard Stern trivia game. After the confusion Howard played the lame game. He was tired of it after the 11th question. Here are some of the questions. I don't have all of the choices that Howard had, just the final, correct answer:
Howard heard that his mother was a virgin when she was married at the age of 18. He told her he believes her but he wanted to know if his father was a virgin. His mother basically said that he wasn't but she wouldn't say how many women he had before her. Howard was really surprised that he wasn't a virgin. He kept trying to get more info out of his mother but she said she doesn't talk about other people's personal lives.
Howard went on to talk to his mother about oral sex. During the President Clinton thing with Monica Lewinsky Howard got the impression that his mother didn't think that oral sex was sex. She told him that she thinks it's a very intimate thing but sex is ''when a man enters a woman's body..'' Howard asked her if she gave oral to his dad before they were married. She said she'd have to think about that. Howard took that as a ''yes'' . She later said that they just made out and ''petted'' each other. Howard kept trying to get info out of her about their honeymoon and stuff like that but she just wouldn't talk.
The two of them also discussed Howard's views on marriage and how he's telling people not to marry until they're old. He said he's told his 3 daughters not to marry until they're 40. He also told his niece the same thing. His mother says that she tells them that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Howard agreed that he doesn't know anything about marriage because his sure didn't work out. Robin told Howard's mother that she needs to share her secrets about how to keep a marriage going for over 50 years. That didn't get her talking about sex though. She just told Howard that he should conduct his life like she does and he'll be fine. But she wasn't telling him about her sex life so he doesn't know anything. At the end of the call Howard told his mother ''Tell dad 'hi' ... and give him some oral!''
Howard went on to tell Jay that he is now in control and he's going to use his power to get revenge on kids... He was kidding of course. Jay told Howard that the local CBS affiliate and the TV show Extra want to interview him about the win. He said the school doesn't want any more publicity so he may have to do the interviews off campus. Howard invited Jay and the rest of his cabinet to come up to the studio sometime. He also asked Jay to pick out the hottest chicks at the school so he could bring them down. He suggested that he bring just the hot chicks instead of the cabinet.
Howard also spent a quick minute talking about the Knicks game that he didn't see last night. Then he brought up how he had a picture of Motley Crue and there's no Tommy Lee in it. He said they wanted to come on the show but without Tommy Lee there to talk about banging Pamela Anderson there's nothing to talk to them about.
Howard had a couple of tapes of Billy Corgan announcing the fact that the Smashing Pumpkins are breaking up at the end of the year.
Howard has a song that he claims he's been listening to for about a year now. He played the very ''eastern sounding'' song ''Asian Vibes'' from the band Joi. He said he's really into it but when Robin heard the first few notes of it she told him to turn it off. It had kind of a dance beat to it but it didn't sound like anything Howard has ever listened to before.
Gary asked Kevin and Kyra about the best place to pleasure yourself. Kevin said ''The kitchen table''. He then asked how long it was before Kevin introduced anal sex to Kyra. Kyra said they've never gone there. Howard said that was a mind blowing response.
Gary asked Michelle Quan if she's ever had a lesbian experience. She said no. He then asked her if penis size matters. She laughed and ran off.
Gary then got one of the guys from the boy-band 98 Degrees. He asked the guy if he thinks Elian should be with his father. The guy said what he thought then Gary asked him why there are so many Jews in the music business. That was the end of the interview for him. Gary then found another member of the band and asked him a couple of questions. He asked him if he thinks their group is a gay group. He doesn't think so. He then asked him if he would perform a homosexual act for a million bucks. He said no again. Then Gary asked him if he's ever been attracted to another man. He said ''Not really..'' and said he's pretty much straight.. pretty much. Gary also asked him if he urinates in the shower and whether or not he farts on stage. He said no to the urination question and yes to the fart question.
Next up was Laura Trascaro who has a product called Nature's Simple Solution. She told Howard that it's a solution of natural herbal oils that you dispense on your toilet tissue when you wipe. She said the natural oils aren't oily at all and that they have natural anti-fungal and anti-biotic properties. She said it helps get rid of bacteria back there. Howard also suggested that it might get rid of the stink also. Laura told Howard that one time she had 17 days of diarrhea and the solution helped the irritation and helped her butt heal. She wanted someone to try it out on the air but Benjy was busy mopping up the watery mess that was left behind in the bathroom. Harry and Laura both debated who's ass cleaning product was better but they didn't come to an agreement. Howard suggested that Harry's product should spray Laura's solution. You can get more info on her product at NaturesSimpleSolution.com
Howard had an article from the Boston Herald that gave Tony a bad review last year. Howard said that they shouldn't review a guy who's just starting out because every comedian sucks at first. The only reason they did review him was because he's Chris Rock's brother. Tony agreed with that and said just wait 2 years and you'll see.
Tony's manager is this guy Richie Tinkin who was also Eddie Murphy's manager early on in his career. Howard had him come in so he could ask him some questions about Eddie. Howard was under the impression that Eddie sued Richie but it was actually the other way around. Richie said he sued to get money that he thought he was owed and he got it. He's the owner of the Comic Strip comedy club and discovered Eddie when he was just starting out in comedy at the age of 19. He and his partners put some money into Eddie's career and helped get him started.
Howard wrapped things up and plugged Tony's upcoming appearance at the Apollo Theater in New York City on June 3.
After taking a break Howard came back and said that he forgot to ask Richie if he ever saw Eddie doing strange stuff with people's feet. He was referring to the time that Eddie was seen picking up a guy who was dressed as a woman because he liked his feet. Richie said Eddie did have a foot fetish but it was always women he was checking out. Richie said as far as he knew Eddie was 100 percent straight.
Howard played one more Gary Garver interview this morning. Gary got Dennis Quaid at some golf event. Dennis stuck around for all of the questions. Gary asked him a bunch of golf questions like:
Howard's brand new studio computer was locked up this morning. The other day he was complaining about how his other computer wasn't fast enough so they replaced it with one that he wasn't able to reboot.
Howard had tape from someone out in Hershey, Pennsylvania who had tape of Howard's York, PA station playing one of those Emergency Broadcast System messages in the middle of Howard's show. Howard said there's no reason for that to interrupt his show like that. Stations have control over it and they should hold off on playing them until a commercial break. A board operator from WCCC in Hartford called in and told Howard that they have control over one of those messages but there is one that they don't have control over. Howard later said that they do have control over both and most stations put it off until late night. This all led to Howard talking about working at other stations over the years and how ridiculous it was to have to take meter readings and stuff while he was on the air.
Howard had this guy David Villetti on the phone. David is one of the 5 finalists for the Jackpot.com million dollar giveaway. He was a very low key dude who didn't have much to say. He's in the Navy and lives in Texas. He told Howard that he knows of the show from watching him on E!. He's looking forward to coming in for the game. Howard said that he hopes he doesn't win because he's too mellow and would probably just say ''yea'' if he won.
Scott DePace from E! is throwing a party this weekend and Howard was going to make his decision about whether or not to go based on what answer Anne Marie gave to his question. He asked her if she was going to be at the party with her husband. She said she would probably be going with him so Howard said he won't be going then. Everyone loves Anne Marie because she's so hot looking. They just want to hang out with her without her husband being around. Howard and Gary also tried to get her to model some bathing suits for money this morning. They told her they'd give her $3000 to model 3 suits. She turned it down. Benjy then came in and said if they were to give the money to an animal shelter or something she might go for it. Howard then tried talking her into it by saying he'd give it to a shelter to save a bunch of cats and dogs from their death senteneces. She still turned down the offer but still wanted Howard to give the money to a shelter. Fred played some cat sound effects and pretended to be a dying cat but it didn't work. A listener even called in and threatned to kill one of his cats if she didn't model the suits but it didn't work.
Howard quickly went over some news stories that he found interesting. He talked about how OJ Simpson and his girlfriend have been fighting with each other. Howard said OJ has balls for fighting with a woman after what happened with his late ex-wife. Howard also brought up a story about ''Friends'' star Matthew Perry who may have problems with his liver due to prescription drug use. He also quickly played an old tape of Regis Philbin singing from years ago. He's not the greatest singer either. Howard also played tape of country singer Leann Rimes crying after she was asked about her father aledgedly stealing money from her.
Howard read an article about how much controversy his endorsement of Jay Rosnick for Student Council President has caused. He read that a mother of a child stood up at a school board meeting and said that she had a petition signed by 100 people saying that it was wrong for Howard to have been on the school loud speaker system. The woman was booed by the crowd until she sat down. Howard said she was just some uptight, bitter woman who's child probably lost out on being president. The article also mentioned that Jay was in a near-fatal car accident last year. Howard didn't know that and said he would have milked that during the speech he gave last week.
Howard killed about 15 minutes replaying the tape of when he spoke to his mother about sex earlier this week.
Andy went on to say that working on Conan's show took up a lot of his time so he didn't have time to work on other projects. The projects that he did work on weren't big hits either. He was in movies like ''The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom'', ''Cabin Boy'' and ''Barenaked in America''. He's also going to be in the new movie ''Dr. T and the Women'' which will be out this year sometime. Howard asked him how much he made doing that movie and Andy said ''..almost nothing.'' He said that he's already audtioning for other stuff and doesn't seem to mind that he won't be making over half a million dollars a year to sit on a couch.
Andy told Howard that 7 years was enough and he's tired of doing it. He wants to creat his own sketch comedy show in which he'd be the star. He doesn't want it to be ''Conan and Andy'' anymore. He just wants to be ''Andy''.
Howard started taking phone calls and most of the people agreed with Howard and said that Andy should have stuck with the show. One caller asked Andy if he's going to star in a movie with David Caruso and McLean Stevenson who both left hit shows to persue their carreers and did nothing. He also called Andy a loser. Howard pointed out that Andy also thinks that he was dissed by some of the guests on Conan's show. He says that some people ignored or patronized him during their appearances. He said that Kyra Sedgwick recently apologized to him for blowing him off because she didn't really know who he was.
Howard eventually got off of that subject to talk about something funny. He had a story about Andy's wife Sarah that he'd read. Howard went on to talk about the first time Sarah knew she was in love with Andy. Apparently she was in Andy's studio apartment which didn't have much furniture at the time. She was talking on the phone, squatting on the floor while she was naked. Something made her laugh really hard and she accidentally moved her bowels on the floor. She ran off to get something to clean it up with but by the time she'd come back Andy had already cleaned up the mess. That's when she knew she was in love with him. Andy said to Howard ''Well, wouldn't you do that for someone you love?'' Howard responded with a very firm ''NO!'' Andy said ''it was my floor'' so that's why he cleaned it up so quick. He used paper towels and a sponge to clean up the little accident.
Howard took a couple more phone calls for Andy before he left. One caller told Andy that he thinks leaving the Conan show is a good thing. He told Andy to just imagine how the Howard Stern show is holding back everyone that works on it. He said that Robin could have been a huge news woman if she wasn't with the show. Fred could have become a huge rock star and Gary could have been producing the ''Millionaire'' show and getting respect instead of getting goofed on by everyone on the show. He was being sarcastic of course. Howard told Andy that some day he'll probably look back on this decision and see that he could have done everything he wanted to without leaving the show.
Howard was complaining about how Stuttering John sat next to him at a movie screening last night. John said that Howard told him to sit there but Howard denies that. Howard was visibly annoyed that John was sitting there with him. Robin said she could tell that he didn't want him next to him for whatever reason it was. Howard also complained about Vinnie Favale's ''gadgets'' glowing in the theater. He said he had a cell phone that had a flashing light that wouldn't shut off throughout the movie. That led to Howard talking about all of Vinnie's many gadgets and how dopey he looks carrying them around. Vinnie eventually called in and Howard spent a couple of minutes goofing on him. He's kind of out of shape so he went to the same gym as Gary goes to. He told Howard that he really got beaten up working out but Gary told Howard the real story. He says that Vinnie was given a fairly easy workout but because he was so out of shape it wore him out.
Wrestler Darren Wise was on the show last year with his wife and girlfriend. The wife and girlfriend surprisingly got along and shared Darren while he was on the road wrestling. He called in this morning to give Howard an update. They all broke up! Darren said his girlfriend found someone else and left him. His wife was having problems with him also so they broke up for a while in January. He's gotten back with his wife since then and is now happy to just have her. He's whipped now. He said that he's really committed to his wife now and doesn't need a girlfriend on the road. Howard says he's just saying that until he gets another girlfriend of course. Howard wanted to make this a quick call but Darren kept telling him not to hang up. He was upset that he got bumped a couple of weeks back for Emilio Estevez. He told Howard that he wants to wrestle Emilio now because of that. Howard eventually muted his voice and let Darren ramble while he told Robin that he wanted to be polite and not hang up on the guy but he wasn't making it easy. He eventually got Darren to shut up and finally got off the phone.
Howard played a bunch of tapes that he had lying around. He had OJ talking about his recent fight with his girlfriend. He also had tape of Kathie Lee talking to Rosie O'Donnell about why she's leaving Regis' show. Howard was also surprised to learn that Ringo Starr of The Beatles is 60 years old now.
Howard had to lecture Stuttering John about what he tells people when they call in to talk to him. A caller had his radio on when Howard picked up the phone and didn't know it was Howard. He had to re-teach John what to tell people when they call in. It took a while for everything to sink in with him of course.
After the Backstreet Boys hit it big Lou started his other hit band N Sync. They also hit it big so Lou was on a roll. They also sued him and settled. He claims that he's still in touch with both bands even though they're suing him.
Lou is starting another band through this TV show ''Making the Band'' which airs on ABC tonight at 9pm. 3 of the guys from the band came in and spent a minute talking to Howard. The band is called O-Town and they sound just like the Backstreet Boys and N Sync.. exactly the same. You can find out more about this band through ABC.com
Dynamite is married to a 38 year old guy. She told Howard that they have an open relationship and she's allowed to do all of this stuff. She said it was even his idea to do this 21 guy gang bang.
Howard already had 3 guys picked out to be contestants for this opportunity. John the Stutterer was number 1. He's the guy who got to bang Annie Ander Sinn a couple of months back. Howard actually spent a couple of minutes playing with John before Dynamite got her chance. Howard offered John $1500 if he could recite the Pledge of Allegiance in under a minute. John said that he doesn't remember the words to it so he wouldn't be able to do it. Gary suggested that he recite the alphabet in 30 seconds or less. Howard agreed and let him do it. He had no problem doing it so he got the money courtesy of iWon.com. Howard felt ripped off.
Howard had John try to sweet talk Dynamite so that he could win the sex prize. He went on to stutter out how women tell him he looks like Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. He yelled about how much he hates Steven Tyler and Aerosmith and didn't do much sweet talking. He did go on to say that words are cheap and that he had something to show her. He then stuck out his long tongue for Dynamite.
The next contestant was Beetlejuice. He was very confident when he came swaggering in to the studio. Howard told him he had the confidence of a pimp. Dynamite was surprised that Beetlejuice was actually shorter than her. She thought that might be interesting. Howard and Beetlejuice went on the question and ''Me!?'' answer thing again. As time passed Beetlejuice got more and more defensive and aggressive.
High Pitch Erik was the third contestant. Dynamite said she'd seen him on the E! show when he was on with Kendra Jade recently. She said that he's got a cute face and that he's not grotesque. Howard had Erik try to charm her by talking to her. He was actually able to charm her. He told her she has a nice smile and he complimented her on her choice of shoes. Robin was wondering where the charm came from all of a sudden. Remember, Erik is still a virgin at the age of 29.. He's getting desperate.
Howard asked Dynamite to make her choice but she was having some trouble making up her mind. Howard suggested that they bring in her husband. Husband Gary came in and Beetlejuice ended up arguing with him about how much money he makes and how he could please his wife. The husband wasn't really arguing with the midget, he just let Beetlejuice ramble on and on about nothing. Dynamite was trying to decide between John and Erik. She liked John's long hair but liked how sweet Erik was. She finally made the decision to go with Erik! Erik let out his best Mickey Mouse ''YES!'' when he heard the news. Erik asked if he could kiss Dynamite. She went over and gave him his first female kiss. Gary said that he thinks Erik will suffer from performance anxiety on the day of the shoot. Erik doesn't have a problem though. He said he's got no problem performing live on the web with Dynamite. Before people started leaving Beetlejuice and John the Stutterer got in a major verbal fight. They were calling each other names and Beetle kept saying ''You want a piece of me bro?'' over and over again. It almost came to blows but John went running out of the studio before it came to that. You can view Erik losing his virginity to Dynamite next month on RealPornWorld.com. You can find out more about Dynamite at DynamitesPlace.com.