For The Week Of 3/6/2000 to 3/10/2000

• Various Stuff. 3/6/00. 6:05am
  Howard started off the morning talking about how good last night's episode of HBO's ''The Sopranos'' was. The show was only 43 minutes long but Howard didn't complain about it. He said that's the way it should be, just like his show, when you're done, you're done. Howard also heard a little bit about the lesbian movie, ''If These Walls Could Talk 2'', that was on after ''The Sopranos''. Howard and the gang discussed how Sharon Stone and Ellen Degeneres were doing a nude lesbian scene in the movie. A couple of the guys said that Ellen didn't look that bad naked. They did complain about her acting though. They said that she looks very uncomfortable with doing anything.

  After talking a little bit about how strange Bill Bradley, John McCain and George Bush are Howard spent a little while talking about Grey Goose Vodka. Howard recently (after the legal separation) started drinking more alcohol than he used to. He was on a red wine kick for a while but he's now moved on to Vodka. He said he doesn't know where the bottle came from but he had the Grey Goose Vodka in his apartment so he tried it out and said it was really good. He said it was very smooth and later found out from his friend that it's smooth because it's triple distilled.

  A listener called in with a phony phone call he made to Fox news recently. Howard let the guy play the tape over the phone. The guy called the news program when they were discussing who the next Kathie Lee should be. He got through and yelled out that Nancy Sirianni Martling should be the next one. He also yelled out ''Baba Booey'' as they cut him off. The news anchors spent a few seconds discussing that Nancy could be the next Kathie Lee.

• More Tom Troubles. 3/6/00. 7:00am
  Howard ended up yelling at General Manager Tom Chiusano once again this morning. According to Howard Tom has been interrupting the flow of his show by walking around the offices of ''The Howard Stern Show'' and handing out food and useless conversation. Howard said this is the only show he does it to on the station and he's sick of it. Howard said there's no reason to disrupt everyone while they're doing their jobs. Howard told Tom that he wants it to stop and he doesn't want him coming in to the studio either. Gary doesn't have the balls to tell Tom this stuff himself so Howard has to do it for him. Gary said he thinks that Tom's feelings would be hurt if he told him this stuff. Howard said his assistant Laura is more of a man than Gary is and she does that stuff all day long.

• Gary's Appearance Tape. 3/6/00. 7:15am
  Howard had video of a recent appearance that Gary made at a monster truck show. Gary was there to smash baseball player John Rocker's car. Howard first explained that he did this in Detroit one time. He said they were doing a foreign car smash thing and he got to take some whacks at it with a sledgehammer. He said that it's really hard to do any damage with the sledge. Gary said it's a good thing he's kind of in shape now because he was out of breath trying to smash the car. He said after he was done with it the monster truck ''Grave Digger'' came and ran over the car.

  After sharing that story Stuttering John came in and shared a couple of his bad appearances. Gary had a couple more to share also. Most of the stories were about how no one showed up to the appearance.

  Howard started to play a bit of Gary talking to the crowd at the show but he gave up on it pretty quick.

• ''Who Wants To Be A Butt Billionaire'' With Kendra Jade. 3/6/00. 8:05am
  Stripper/porn actress/whore Kendra Jade came in this morning to play the second game of ''Who Wants To Be A Butt Billionaire''. This is where someone wins anal sex with Kendra Jade. Kendra was in a couple of weeks ago and there were no winners in that game so Howard decided to bring her back to try again. He spoke to Kendra for a couple of minutes before bringing in the first contestant, High Pitch Erik. Howard spoke to Erik for a couple of seconds before getting to the game. Gary said he heard that Erik hangs out side of the local police station near his house and hangs out with the cops. He brings them back to his apartment to drink wine with them. Erik said he does it because he's lonely.. a lonely virgin. Gary wonders why he doesn't go to a strip club and have wine with the strippers. He never got an answer. Howard then asked him his questions:
  • What is 10 percent of 200? - 30
  Erik said he's not good with math.. obviously. He tried to figure it out but had no clue where to even start calculating it. He eventually said 30. He didn't even know what percent meant. Yikes! Howard made sure to rub in the fact that he lost. He said ''You get Zero percent of her.''

  Up next was Kevin, a ''skinny black gentleman'' according to Howard. Howard found out that Kevin is a messenger and he hasn't had sex since 1997 or so. Here are his questions:

  • Is Australia a city or a continent? - City
  Wow! Howard couldn't believe that he got it wrong. He gave the guy an easy one and he still screwed it up. Gary said that Kevin had the highest education of all of the contestants and he still failed the test.

  Up next was Debbie the queef girl. Her fantasy is to put a strap-on on and do Kendra. Debbie has been on in the past as a queef (vaginal fart) girl. She demonstrated a little bit of her talent for Kendra. Here are Debbie's questions:

  1. What state is New Orleans in? - Louisiana
  2. What does HBO stand for? - Home Box Office
  3. Spell INFLUENZA - Influenza
  Finally! Debbie was the first person to win the grand prize! Gary said that the two of them will get together shortly after the show and do their thing. Debbie will check in tomorrow to give the details.

  Last up was Lee. Lee said that his old girlfriend screwed around behind his back so he's doing this to get back at her. She got pregnant by his friend so they left each other. Here are his questions:

  1. What kind of food group does broccoli fall in to? - Vegetable
  2. Name the President during America's civil war. - Lincoln
  3. The vice president is Al Gore, what state is he from? - Massachusetts
  He came close to winning but got the last question wrong. So there was only one winner and it was a chick. Kendra said she doesn't have much experience with women so she doesn't think they'll do too much to each other. Debbie is willing to do things other than anal sex but we'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out what actually happens.

  You can find out more about Kendra at Kendra-Jade.com or at RealPornWorld.com.

• Bijou Phillips Comes In. 3/6/00. 8:50am
  19 year old Bijou Phillips, daughter of ''Papa'' John Phillips, came in this morning to promote her Playboy layout in the April issue. Howard has heard many stories about how wild Bijou has been in her short life so he asked her about a bunch of them. Robin said that Bijou was a model when she was very young but Bijou said she only did that for about 3 months. She said she didn't like the lifestyle. She would go into clubs and guys would grab and grope her and she was only 13 or 14 years old. Howard heard that she was put into rehab when she was in her early teens and she wasn't even on drugs at the time. She said she had tried some drugs early on but she didn't like the way they affected her so she gave them up. She then went on to say that she had tried pot, acid, coke and heroin. She explained why she was thrown in to rehab by her parents after she went on a spending spree or something like that.

  Bijou also spoke about her half-sisters MacKenzie and Chyna. She said she didn't get along with them when she was younger but she was hanging out with them last night.

  Howard brought up more stories that he heard like one time she cut the tip of some guys finger off with a cigar cutter. She said that was true. She also stabbed some woman in the leg. She also confirmed a story about her stealing a car from someone.

  Howard took some phone calls for Bijou and one guy said he had the Playboy and that Bijou needs to trim her pubic hair. She told the guy that she likes to keep it natural and she never cuts it. She then revealed that she doesn't shave under her arms either. She showed Howard and he sounded a little disgusted by that. He said she doesn't have a lot of hair but it's not very attractive.

  Bijou said that most of the stories about her are true. She only denied a couple of the stories Howard brought up. Some guy she went to camp with called in at one point and said that Bijou once went into a cafeteria with nothing but a rain coat on.

  Bijou also got in a plug for her album ''I'd Rather Eat Glass'' which came out last year.

• High Pitch Erik's Strange Behavior. 3/6/00. 9:45am
  High Pitch Erik stuck around to hang out during Robin's newscast. Howard heard some more strange things about him so he spent some time talking about them. The strangest thing brought up earlier in the show was the fact that he hangs out with cops. He also heard that he can call up local news anchors and talk to them. He once called up Doug from E! and did a conference call to the NBC TV station in New York. He called up and asked for Chuck Scarborough, a local anchor. Doug said that Erik just spoke to him for a few minutes about how the news was going and stuff and Chuck stayed on the phone. He also does the same thing to a weather man from another station. Howard and the guys finally figured out that it must be because he sounds like a little kid when he talks. They must think that it's some dopey little kid asking questions and they don't hang up on him. If they saw what he really looks like they'd burn their phones.

  One guy claiming to be a cop called in saying that Erik once called him up and pretended to be a woman. The cop said that Erik told him that he still has a penis but he tucks it away so you hardly know it's there. The cop also said that Erik told him that he gives the best oral sex. Erik didn't deny the oral claims right away but did ask the cop who he was because he didn't recognize his voice. Another caller said she saw Erik with another guy at a store in the city shopping for hair products. She thought that they looked very comfortable together. That friend later called in but on a different subject. Joe called in to tell Howard why Erik is out of a job. He said that the employer told Erik that he wasn't allowed to go on Howard's show anymore. If he did go on they'd fire him. Of course he went back on the show and got fired. The show is more important than a job.

• One Week Until ''Son Of The Beach''. 3/7/00. 6:30am
  Howard reminded everyone that in one week his new show ''Son of the Beach'' will be airing on the FX cable channel. He spent a short period of time talking about how the show ended up on FX instead of the FOX network. Apparently the FOX people wanted to put a different actor in the lead role instead of Tim Stack. The show is Tim's ''baby'' so Howard asked him what he wanted to do and the show ended up on FX. Howard still hopes that FOX will put the show on it's regular TV stations eventually after everyone sees how funny it is.

• Butt Billionaire Update. 3/7/00. 7:00am
  Kendra Jade and Debbie the queef girl called in this morning to talk about their anal encounter after yesterday's ''Who Wants to be a Butt Billionaire'' game. Howard quickly got right into the details with the girls. They explained how they hooked up after the show and drove over to a hotel together. They just talked on the way over to the hotel.. no sex stuff in the car. They got to the hotel and eventually got in to what they were there for. Debbie used a strap-on to violate Kendra after Kendra undressed her. Kendra kept her dress on but Debbie said she would pull it up or down depending on what she was doing at the time. Meanwhile, Debbie's husband was waiting outside of the room panting. After Kendra was done she went at it with Debbie. She didn't go to the rear exit though, she stayed with the correct entrance. Both of them were very satisfied although Debbie's husband took her home and banged her while Kendra went home and finished herself off. They both told Howard that they exchanged phone numbers so they may hook up in the future.

• Mark Harris Comes In. 3/7/00. 7:15am
  Flaming bi-sexual Mark Harris came in this morning so Howard could play tape of his recent Caroline's Comedy Club appearance. Mark has put together a show where he does a tribute to his late wife Martha Raye. As Mark walked in to the studio Howard said ''She's gorgeous!'' referring to Mark's new highlighted hair. The last time he was on Robin commented on his jet-black dyed hair and Mark decided to let it grow out naturally. It then had a gray streak in it so he had it highlighted with blonde streaks instead. Howard played bits and pieces of Mark's performance and it made some people cringe. Howard took a bunch of phone calls and quite a few people begged him to stop playing the stuff. They also called Mark ''stupid''. After playing that tape and another tape of Mark talking to Vinnie from CBS, Howard said ''I long for the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.'' Mark will be performing this mess once again at Caroline's on Broadway on March 14th at 7pm. He invited Howard to come to the show but that's the premiere night for ''Son of the Beach'' so he's got better things to do.

• Sammy Hagar Comes In. 3/7/00. 7:50am
  Ex-Van Halen lead singer Sammy Hagar came in this morning to promote his Cabo Wabo Tequila instead of an album. Howard immediately noticed that Sammy has cut off all of his hair. He said it doesn't look very good on him but Sammy told him that after touring his hair is ''trashed'' so he cut it off. Sammy spent most of the segment talking about how the tequila is made so Howard could understand it. Sammy owns the company that makes the tequila and he thinks it's the best stuff out there. He said that it won a bunch of awards last night at some alcohol award thing.

  Howard also spoke to Sammy about his past boxing career and a few other things. He also brought up Van Halen and asked Sammy if he'll show up if Van Halen gets nominated into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2 years. Sammy said he'd be there no problem but he will never re-join the band.

• ''Butt Billionaire'' Losers vs 11 Year Olds. 3/7/00. 8:45am
  Howard had a couple of previous losers of the first ''Butt Billionaire'' game come in this morning to play against a couple of 11 year old girls. Gary's niece, Ashley Z and a friend of hers, Ashley S came in to play against Angelo and Anthony. Howard matched up Angelo and Ashley Z for the first round. Howard spoke everyone real quick before playing the game. The girls are just normal 6th graders with normal intelligence. Angelo is a maintenance worker who also claims to have normal intelligence. Anthony is a truck driver who says he graduated high school.

  Here are Angelo and Ashley Z's questions:

  1. At what temperature does water freeze?
     • Angelo - 50
     • Ashley - 0 degrees centigrade
  2. Who discovered electricity?
     • Angelo - Edison
     • Ashley - That Franklin guy with the kite
  3. Old King Cole was a what?
     • Angelo - A merry old king
     • Ashley - A merry old soul
  So Ashley took that game no problem. She won a $1000 courtesy of iWon.com. Up next were Anthony and Ashley S. Here are the questions asked:
  1. AOL stands for what?
     • Anthony - America Online
  2. Where does wool come from?
     • Ashley - A machine factory
     • Anthony - Sheep
  3. Spell RECESS.
     • Anthony - R E C E S S
  To everyone's surprise Anthony took that game over the 11 year old. The last time he was on the show he didn't know the two testaments of the bible or how to spell spaghetti. Howard asked him a couple more quick questions to see if he really had smartened up since then. It didn't take long for him to return to his former self:
  • What is the square root of 64? - 8
  • Who fought in the civil war? - North and South
  • What is 25 percent of 100? - 15
  That's what they were waiting for.. 15. The Ashley's weren't much better though. They came up with the answer of 4. After Howard explained how to come up with the correct answer everyone got it right.

• Will ''Oral Trillionaire'' Be The Next Contest? 3/7/00. 9:20am
  Howard went through a couple of phone calls this morning when he came upon Tony who suggested that the next sex game they play on the show could be ''Oral Trillionaire''. He said that he'd like to have porn star Jenna Jameson as the prize who would perform oral on the winner. Tony said that if Jenna wasn't available then anal with Robin would be the next best thing. Howard said that game might be called ''Anal Trillionaire'' or ''Anal Fort Knox''. Howard told Gary to get right on that and see if Jenna would be up for it. He told Tony he could be the first player if it happens.

• Various Stuff. 3/8/00. 6:05am
  Howard spent the first part of the show discussing yesterday's ''Super Tuesday'' election results. Howard said that if he had to vote for either Bush or Gore he'd go with Gore. Howard also spent a couple of minutes talking about how Red Peters' song ''Doggy Style'' just popped into his head the other day. He said that it really is a good song that he just can't get out of his head. He also played Red's classic ''How's Your Whole.. Family'' and a little bit of ''Ballad Of A Dog Named Stains''. Howard still can't believe that Red still does this stuff at his age.

  Big Black called in with a some tape of John McCain going off on Maria Schriver last night as she tried to interview him. She went up to him and asked him how he was feeling and McCain said ''Please get out'' to her. Howard had Big Black play it a couple of times because it was pretty funny. Big Black also played some other tape for Howard then he asked for some money. He's unemployed at this time and he said he's at the end of the road. He asked for some of the iWon.com money that they've been giving away lately. At first Howard told him to just get a job but Big Black said he's been unable to do that. He eventually broke down and gave him $1000 to hold him over for a little while. Gary said this is a payment for years of service.

• Gary's Teeth Discussed. 3/8/00. 7:10am
  Howard and the gang were talking about game shows when the subject somehow changed to Gary's teeth. Gary came in and said that he was at the dentist yesterday having his gums scraped. He told Howard that it's a four week project that the dentist is doing. He said his dentist does this stuff in four ''quadrants''. Of course that led to Howard and the rest of the crew goofing on the size of Gary's teeth for about 20 minutes. They couldn't believe that his giant teeth had to be broken down into quadrants to be worked on. They were joking about how they must fly crews in to his mouth to work on his teeth and gums. Gary said that he has problems with gum disease so the dentist has to scrape all of the crap out from under them. Jackie said that Gary with gum problems is like a giraffe with a sore throat.

  Since they were already goofing on Gary Howard decided to bring in the ''Sweet Baba Booey Quartet'' formerly known as the ''8-Balls''. The barbershop quartet has been heard on the show in the past singing their ''Sweet Baba Booey'' song. They performed the song live this morning as well as a new song that Jackie wrote about Gary's teeth. They also sang a song about Howard's nose but he didn't think the lyrics were funny. The guys were in to promote some kind of Barbershop Quartet club they have. You can find out more by calling 888-376-8927.

• Doug's Painted French Fries / The X-Show Plug. 3/8/00. 7:45am
  Doug Goodstein from the E! show came in to talk about his problem at a restaurant last night. He had some french fries at this place and ate most of them before realizing that they has silver paint on them. He said they were covered in barbecue sauce so he didn't see the paint until he'd eaten about 50 of the 60 fries on the plate. When he did see it he told the management and they said they'd get him some new fries! Doug said he went to the bathroom and made himself vomit up the fries he'd eaten to get the paint out of his stomach. He has some of the fries still and wants to get them analyzed to see exactly what's on them.

  After talking to Doug Howard took a call from Mark Cronin who worked on his WWOR show back in the late '80's. Mark is now working on FX's ''X-Show''. He called in to give the show a couple of plugs. He said that this week they're having the crew from ''Son of the Beach'' on to promote the show. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Mark about how he's dating models now. Mark eventually told Howard that his ''model'' date is actually just a Perfect 10 model. She's not a super-model or anything like that. Howard goofed on Mark for a couple of minutes and let him plug his show before moving on to more important things.

• Howard's Top 5 Comic Book Characters. 3/8/00. 8:05am
  Howard and the crew were talking a little bit about game shows once again but the subject changed when Howard took a strange call from a woman who owns a comic book store in upstate New York. She mentioned some weird comic book character and Howard started talking about his favorites. He had no interest in the characters she was talking about. He said he likes most of the superhero comics like Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, The Flash, Green Lantern and others. He said he doesn't like Aquaman, Atom or anything like Archie, Casper or army comics. He then said he'd give his top 5 favorites. Here they are:
  1. Superman
  2. Batman
  3. Spider-Man
  4. Fantastic 4
  5. Daredevil
  He gave an explanation about how Superman was cool because of the relationship between Lois Lane and Superman. He also thinks that Daredevil is cool because it's a blind guy who gets super powers. He said they should make a movie based on that character. Robin suggested that his production company should make one. Howard said he's too busy with other shows to do that. Howard also said that Gary's dentist is a daredevil for taking on his giant teeth and gums.

• The Pig Olympics Game. 3/8/00. 8:30am
  Gary came in with a game for Howard to play this morning. He had 32 women that he would pair up. Howard would then pick one of the two women as the one he'd most likely have sex with. The loser would then proceed to the next round and eventually one woman would stand out as the most undesirable of them all.. The PIG of the bunch. Here's how it broke down:

  Round 1
  Winner	Loser
  Dr. Ruth	Marge Schott
  Rebecca Lobo	Whoopi Goldberg
  Monica Lewinsky	Rikki Lake
  Carnie Wilson	Roseanne
  Vanessa Redgrave	Estelle Getty
  Queen Latifa	Missy Elliot
  Linda Ronstadt	Penny Marshall
  Tracy Chapman	Rhea Perlman
  Wheezi Jefferson	Florida Evans
  Aida Turturro	Shelly winters
  Delta Burke	Rosie O'Donnell
  Madelyn Albright	Bea Arthur
  Linda Tripp	Angela Lansbury
  Nicole Bass	Barbara Bush
  Judge Judy	Dr. Joyce Brothers
  Mother Love	Mother Angelica
  Round 2
  Winner	Loser
  Whoopi Goldberg	Marge Schott
  Rikki Lake	Roseanne
  Joyce Brothers	Estelle Getty
  Missy Elliot	Mother Angelica
  Rhea Perlman	Shelly Winters
  Penny Marshall	Florida Evans
  Rosie O'Donnell	Bea Arthur
  Angela Lansbury	Barbara Bush
  Round 3
  Winner	Loser
  Roseanne	Marge Schott
  Estelle Getty	Mother Angelica
  Florida Evans	Shelly Winters
  Bea Arthur	Barbara Bush
  Round 4
  Winner	Loser
  Marge Schott	Mother Angelica
  Shelly Winters	Barbara Bush
  Final Round
  Winner	Loser
  Barbara Bush	Mother Angelica

  Howard had a few tough decisions to make during the game. The old women like Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty and Mother Angelica gave him the biggest problem. He also had a tough choice with Nicole Bass being thrown in there. Penny Marshall was also a big decision because Howard thinks she's a mess. He had a short discussion with Robin about that mess and how weird she was out in Los Angeles when he was out there recently. He said she's heinous and a cow. Once the Pig was picked Captain Janks was on the phone because he's made a bunch of phony phone calls to her in the past. Howard said that it might be time to make another call to let her know that she won the Pig Olympics. Janks told Howard that Nicole Bass isn't that bad but Howard can't get over the fact that she looks so much like a man. Nicole also called in real quick but didn't have all that much to say.

• Marcel The Hermaphrodite Comes In. 3/8/00. 9:20am
  Marcel the hermaphrodite came in to talk to Howard real quick this morning. The last time Marcel was on the show he revealed that he didn't actually have both a penis and a vagina like a true hermaphrodite would. He is a very odd guy though. After Howard asks him a question he always says ''Yeah'' in a very strange, disturbing monotone. Howard asked Marcel if he still dreams of becoming a woman. He still does even though he'd make one hell of an ugly woman. Howard said he's better as a man even though he's only 5 feet tall and over weight with teeth missing. He brought a bunch of stuffed animals with him in the studio this morning. One of them he named ''Biz-Biz'' and was very reluctant to leave it alone for long. Howard had Marcel play ''Who Wants to be a Turkish Millionaire'' and he had to leave Biz-Biz on the couch. He kept his eye on it the whole time.

  Howard wanted to find out if Marcel was smarter than he sounds so he played a quick game of ''Turkish Millionaire'' with him. Here are the questions he asked:

  • Finish this sentence: ''Don't fire until..'' - You see the whites of their eyes
  • Where does wool come from? - Sheep
  • Who is on the five dollar bill? - Lincoln
  Marcel actually got them all correct so he won the million Turkish lira. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Marcel but the whole stuffed animal thing was freaking him out so he asked Marcel to leave. You can find out more about Marcel at MashMagazine.com

• Various Stuff. 3/9/00. 6:05am
  Howard killed some time by taking some phone calls and talking about Kathie Lee Gifford for a while. A listener called in with some tape of Kathie Lee talking about how her kid Cody asked her to go in to acting. That led to Howard talking about what a phony she is. After that he went off on Bryant Gumble for a couple of minutes. Another caller asked Howard why he doesn't go to the New York Knicks basketball games to hang out with celebrities like Spike Lee and Woody Allen. Howard basically said that he can't sit through a whole game of basketball because it's so boring. If he was into the game he'd go even if he had to be next to Spike Lee who he says sucks as a director.

• Artist Steve Kauffman Calls In. 3/9/00. 7:10am
  39 year old artist Steve Kauffman called in to tell his story of wild sex in Amsterdam to Howard. Howard first found out a little bit about Steve who claims to have been the official portrait painter for Frank Sinatra and Muhammed Ali. He said that he's also painted portraits of John Travolta and Al Pacino. Howard also pointed out that some of his paintings also hang in the White House and the Smithsonian museum.

  After finding all of that out Howard got to the reason for the call. Steve said that he was over in Amsterdam, Holland in the Red Light district at a sex show and in a 48 hour period of time he managed to have sex with 35 women. He told Howard that he took some kind of viagra-like drug that kept him ''up'' for sex. After having all of that sex he had a heart attack and passed out on a woman. He said he was taken out of the sex show with nothing but a condom on. He said he woke up with a needle in his chest. He was lucky enough to survive.

  After hearing that story Howard read some more notes and found out that Steve has banged a few celebrities in his life. Steve refused to mention any names though. Howard asked him to just talk about the women he's dated but because Steve says if he doesn't get laid on the first or second date he wouldn't talk. Howard tried to get the info out of him but it just didn't happen. Howard said that some of Steve's work can be seen at the Art Expo at the Jacob Javits Center in New York this week. You can find out more at ArtExpos.com or e-mail Steve at StudioSak@aol.com

• Dina Wants To Date Howard. 3/9/00. 7:30am
  Howard received this letter from a woman who says she wants to go out on a date with him. He read the letter on the air and for some reason he seemed interested in finding out more about the woman. He had Gary get her on the phone. 33 year old Dina thinks that she and Howard would have a good time together if they went out on a date. Howard spoke to her for a few minutes and asked her what they might do on the date. Dina said that she would have Howard come over to her apartment and make him dinner. Then they'd take if from there. Dina said that she wouldn't be insulted if it just turned into a one night stand. She just wants to see what it's like. Howard asked her a few other questions like how many men she's slept with in her life. Dina said that she's been with about 20 guys since college. She claimed to have a nice body and small yet perky B-cup breasts. She works in the real estate field and claims to have about $200,000 of her own money. She doesn't need Howard for his money. Howard and the rest of the crew decided that she really had to come down to the studio so Howard could see her in person. They gave her about an hour to get ready and get to the studio.

  Dina finally showed up around 9:00 or so. When she came in Howard said that she was very lovely but Fred did one of his cough-under-the-breath ''Forty Three'' comments when he saw her. Howard let the other guys on the show try to tell Dina why she wouldn't be right for Howard. Gary started off saying that she's a little too ''regular'' for a star like Howard. Howard should be with someone who would understand the star lifestyle. Robin asked Dina what she pictures life with Howard being like. Dina said that she sees them just staying home and talking to each other and watching TV. She watches some of the same TV shows that he does but that doesn't matter to Howard. He said that it's boring when two people do the exact same thing.

  Howard told Dina that she's too nice of a person. He said that she's too good for him. He told her that his legal separation has devastated his life and he doesn't want to wreck her life. Meanwhile Gary is telling Howard that this is a great rap to have for getting a woman even more interested in him.

  A couple of callers told Howard that she's just looking for fame and fortune through him. Gary and Howard both said they don't think that's what she's really after. They think she really does just want to date Howard like a normal person. Howard eventually told Dina that this was their first date and some day her phone might ring and he'll be on the other end. He said they could possibly date in private next time.

• More Time Killers. 3/9/00. 8:05am
  Howard had some more time to kill this morning so he talked about a bunch of various subjects. He spent a short amount of time talking about how Dennis Rodman was fired from the Dallas Mavericks and how Boomer Esiason was let go from Monday Night Football. Howard said that Rodman sure knows how to self-destruct. He had a theory on Boomer's firing also. He thinks that Al Michaels didn't like him so he was canned.

  Howard also spent a minute talking about Maria Schriver and John McCain's run in the other day. A listener called in and said that Maria's husband Arnold Schwarzenegger made a funny comment about the situation and Howard thought that was pretty cool. That led to Big Black calling in and playing the comment for Howard. Big Black told Howard how he feeds all of these cool clips into his computer and edits them for Howard before calling in. He also had tape of something one of the women on ''The View'' had to say about a concert she was at. Howard was at the same concert so Big Black wanted to know of what she was saying was true or not. She claimed that a couple next to her were performing oral sex on each other while they were being shown on a big video screen at the concert. Howard said he didn't see it happen and thinks that Lisa Ling might be making that story up.

  Howard and the crew also spent a couple of minutes talking about the ''Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire'' winner, Darva, being on Larry King last night.

  Before going to a commercial break Robin brought up an interesting subject. She wanted to know if sex with a woman who has breast implants is any good. She brought up Kendra Jade's huge knockers as the reason for asking. Howard said he knows that some woman still get off after having implants. He knows a guy who said his woman could have an orgasm just by him fondling and kissing her breasts. Benjy came in at one point and said he was afraid to squeeze a woman's implants for fear of breaking them. Howard immediately kicked him out of the studio.

• Howard's Special TiVo From Phillips. 3/9/00. 8:45am
  Howard was doing a commercial for this Phillips TiVo unit that he's spoken about in the past. This guy Richard Bullwinckle from Phillips was there to give Howard a very special that was made especially for him. The unit records TV shows in digital format on it's own hard drive. Usually the TiVo comes with either 14 hour or 30 hour taping capabilities but the one Richard presented to Howard has a 72 hour capability. Robin was jealous saying that she wants one with that much time. Robin said she already has 2 TiVo's of her own but she needed more the other day when there were 3 shows on at the same time.

• Louie The Chair Comes In. 3/9/00. 8:50am
  This guy Louie, who's confined to a wheelchair because of some birth defects, came in to ask for a job asking celebrities questions. He want's a job like Stuttering John's where he'd go to events and ask celebrities goofy questions. Howard described how Louie doesn't really have arms, his hands are actually connected to his shoulders. He has normal looking legs but Louie said that he doesn't have cartilage in his knees so he can't walk. He said Doctors aren't sure why he came out like this, they just said it was a birth defect.

  Howard figures that someone in this shape should be able to get interviews with just about anyone. Who would turn down an interview with a guy in a wheelchair? Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him about his situation. Louie said that he's going to hire a lawyer to sue anyone he can over this birth defect. He said he'd even sue his mother who claims she didn't take any drugs when she was pregnant with him.

• The Religion Discussion. 3/9/00. 10:15am
  The subject of Ash Wednesday came up late in the show and it led to a whole discussion about religion. Howard was saying how when he sees a businessman-type of person walking down the street with ashes smeared on his head it turns him off and he thinks that there's no way he'd deal with them. He wondered out loud if General Manager Tom Chiusano got ashes yesterday. Stuttering John came in and confirmed that Tom did indeed get the smudge on his head. Howard said that Tom should be fired. Both Gary and Stuttering John told Howard that they find it hard to believe that there is a God out there but they want to. Howard believes that once you're dead, that's it. He doesn't believe that there's an after-life. Chiusano eventually came in to talk about why he gets the ashes on his head. He told Howard that after he had his about with cancer a couple of years ago he started to think and started to go back to church. He now goes regularly and gets his ashes each year.

  Howard told Tom that he sees religion as being very similar to his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder because you do silly little rituals to protect yourself from bad things in both. Tom agreed with him. He also tried to say that Howard's meditation is a form of a ritual but Howard said he does that so he can get some rest during the day.

  God himself called in at one point and told Tom that he's been very good. He told Tom that he had a pair of wings waiting up there for him. He then said that if he ever has chest pains he should call out God's name and he'll send the white light come to him.. it will then tell him that he's a horse-toothed jackass. Surprise, surprise it wasn't really God! It was Sal the Stockbroker checking in. After discussing all of this stuff for about 20 minutes Howard said that his head was spinning so he had to end the show.

• Various Stuff. 3/10/00. 6:10am
  There wasn't too much going on early in the show so Howard spent some time talking about various things. He first brought up an interview Chaunce Hayden did with Playboy model Caprice. He asked her if she'd date Howard now that he's single. She was repulsed and said there's no way she'd ever date him. Howard said once she starts ''hagging out'' in a couple of years she'll be begging to get on the show.

  Big Black called in with a bunch of TV show clips for Howard to listen to. He had some stuff with Kathie Lee and Darva Conger so Howard spent a few minutes on those subjects.

  Howard also brought up a sports story about this college basketball announcer who made a fool out of himself with a comment about women. He said something like ''Since when do we allow women to control who gets in to a mens game..'' after he was asked for press credentials as he was entering the arena he was at. That led to a discussion about other sports announcers who have made stupid comments. One of the things Howard brought up was a guy who said something about black people can't swim because they're not buoyant enough. That led into a discussion about how Robin and Mike Gange don't know how to swim. Gange said that his parents just never knew how to swim so they never taught him how to. Robin was never around water as a child either so she never learned. After a short discussion the two of them said that they might take private lessons together.

• Tape Of Mark Harris. 3/10/00. 7:55am
  Howard had tape of Mark Harris performing at Caroline's on Broadway recently. Mark was singing some of his awful songs so Howard just had to goof on him for a few minutes. Howard also played some of the phone call that Vinnie Favale taped with Mark. Mark was in Berlin at the time taking a buttermilk and vodka bath with a guy in the bathroom with him. It was funny to hear that after hearing Mark talking about how he's about to get back together with his 2nd wife. He brought that up at the Caroline's appearance and told the audience that he was going to live a normal life now. After playing a bit more of Mark singing Howard said ''I hear that at Caroline's they hand out ear plugs..'' before Mark's show.

• Emily's Tightened Labia. 3/10/00. 8:10am
  Back in October of last year this 24 year old woman Emily came in to talk about how she was about to have her labia tightened up. She was always self conscious about herself because her labia were so unattractive. Howard had pictures of them at the time and was pretty much freaked out by the sight of them. Dr. Alter did the work and both of them came in to talk about it this morning. Howard had to yell at KC for not giving him the notes on Emily and the Doctor before interviewing them. Emily told Howard that she had the work done shortly after doing the show in October. She now has normal looking labia. Howard asked Dr. Alter if he ''tested'' her out after doing the surgery. Dr. Alter is very professional and of course didn't test her out. ''Are you gay?'' Howard said to him when Alter said he doesn't do that stuff. Howard also wanted to know if Emily was totally nude during the surgery. Dr. Alter had to tell Howard that they only see the area they're working on so he didn't see her breasts. Howard said if that were his job he wouldn't wear gloves and he'd sniff his fingers after doing the work. Howard pointed out that Emily was staring at Dr. Alter like she was in love with him while she was sitting there. She said she's not in love but he is a wonderful man for doing what he did. Dr. Alter kept pointing out that with his procedure there is no amputation of the labia so there is no loss of sensation. Emily backed up that claim saying that she's as good as she was before. She had to wait 6 weeks before letting her boyfriend try out the new stuff and he loves it. By the end of the segment Howard was ready to take a look at the new photos of her labia. Emily is uptight about showing them live in the studio so they had to show pictures. Howard checked them out and said ''Wow!.. it looks human now..'' There are no noticeable scars. Howard said she looks like a Barbie doll down there now. You can find out more about Dr. Alter at AlterMD.com

• The Gossip Game With Guest Jaime Bergman. 3/10/00. 8:35am
  Actress Jaime Bergman came in to play the Gossip Game with Mike Walker. Jaime is one of the stars of Howard's new TV show ''Son of the Beach'' which starts airing next Tuesday at 10:30 on FX. Howard said that Jaime was also in Playboy a couple of years back. He said that he held out for her on ''Son of the Beach'' because the woman they were thinking of hiring just wasn't quite right for the part. After a couple of minutes talking to Jaime Howard got Mike Walker on the phone so they could play the gossip game.

  Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:

  1. Rod Stewart went to a store and picked out $17,000 worth of clothing then asked for a discount because he was buying so much stuff. The clerk said no so Rod walked out and sent in his people to convince the clerk to change his mind. Stewart went back in and got a 15% discount.
  2. Jay Leno, who knows a lot about cars, recently ran out of gas on his way to work in his Lamborghini Diablo GT.
  3. Director Oliver Stone, who has ballooned up to around 300 pounds, has been going in to get hair transplants.
  4. Kiefer Sutherland showed his buddies how to gamble on a web site while at his house. He walked out of the room to get something and a few minutes later came back to find that they'd lost $500. It was on his credit card so he freaked out and demanded checks from the guys who lost the money.
  Jaime and Jackie both went with number 2 as the false story. Howard and Robin went with number 4. The actual false story was number two. Jaime and Jackie were today's winners.

  After the game Howard spent a while talking to Jaime about who she's dated and stuff like that. Howard heard that she was close to Hugh Heffner so he questioned her about that. She claims that she was just great friends with him and never made love to him. She said the first place she went when she got to Los Angeles was the Playboy mansion. She was already hired to do a photo shoot so she went straight to the mansion. Howard read an article about how Heff had been ''nuzzling'' her while they were watching a movie. She said that's just the way he is and it was just a friendly thing. Howard said he's friends with her but he doesn't nuzzle her. He said it would be hard for him to do it anyway because of his nose.

  Howard also asked her about dating Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit. She said she met him a while back and he got her number. They dated for a couple of months but it didn't work out so they broke up. Howard said that he didn't like her dating him. That upset him for some reason. She said she likes ''bad boys'' and that's why she went out with him. Howard reminded her that he's a bad boy also so she might like him... but he's her boss and she doesn't want to date her boss.

  Howard had another game of Pig Olympics to play today but this time it was for the women. He brought in Robin Radzinski from E! and Anne Marie from the back office so they could play along with Jaime and Robin. If you missed this the other day it's where Gary reads off two names and the person or people have to pick which one they'd sleep with. The loser advances to the next round until there is one final ''pig'' loser who they wouldn't sleep with. Howard did it the other day and Mother Angelica came out the ''pig'' loser. This time, since there were so many people picking, Howard just went with the general consensus in the room. So here's how it went:

  Round 1
  Winner	Loser
  Hakeem Olajuwon	Patrick Ewing
  Steve Allen	Marty Ingels
  Maury Povich	Regis Philbin
  Richard Belzer	David Brenner
  Harvey Weinstein	Dominic Barbara
  Bill Parcells	John Madden
  Jackie Martling	Red Peters
  Phil Donohue	Jerry Springer
  Tony Randall	Mark Harris
  Christopher Reeve	Big Foot Matt
  Emanuel Lewis	Gary Coleman
  Kirk Douglas	Gary the Retard
  David Letterman	Jay Leno
  Jeff Van Gundy	Ratso Sloman
  Crackhead Bob	Elephant Boy
  Mel Brooks	High Pitch Erik
  Round 2
  Winner	Loser
  Red Peters	John Madden
  Patrick Ewing	Steve Allen
  David Brenner	Dominic Barbara
  Regis Philbin	High Pitch Erik
  Gary Coleman	Gary the Retard
  Mark Harris	Big Foot Matt
  Jerry Springer	Elephant Boy
  Jay Leno	Ratso Sloman
  Round 3
  Winner	Loser
  John Madden	Steve Allen
  Dominic Barbara	High Pitch Erik
  Big Foot Matt	Elephant Boy
  Ratso Sloman	Gary the Retard
  Round 4
  Steve Allen	High Pitch Erik
  Gary the Retard	Elephant Boy
  Final Round
  Winner	Loser
  High Pitch Erik	Elephant Boy

  All of the women agreed that Elephant Boy would be the last one they would sleep with. Robin Radzinski said that seeing him in the porno tape he did last year just makes her sick. Anne Marie agreed. Quiver said that she just pictures him eating and spitting out food and it makes her ill. High Pitch Erik was on the phone by this point and was thrilled that he was picked over Elephant Boy. He let out a Mickey Mouse-sounding ''Yeah!'' when he heard the final picks.