Just before starting the game Kendra asked Howard if he was going to play. Howard said he wasn't going to because he wouldn't want to be with her. Not because he's not attracted, but because she's been with so many guys and he's afraid of disease. The first contestant, 20 year old Jim, came in and prepared to play. He's been on the show in the past. He tried to win sex with Christy Lake a while back. He's kind of fat according to everyone in the studio. Kendra wasn't too attracted to him of course. He claims that he got laid just a week ago but he's never had anal sex. Here are the questions Howard asked Jim:
The second contestant was Pete, a law school student. He said he hasn't gotten laid since November of last year. He found Kendra very attractive. Howard said he looked like a wolf ready to pounce on Kendra. Howard started off with the first question of ''What is NaCl on the elemental chart?'' Pete had no clue so Howard figured it must have been too hard. He gave him an easier question and he got a couple right:
The third contestant was Anthony. He was good looking according to Robin, Kendra and Howard. He told them that he made a new year's resolution to put off having sex with women until he gets married but this is a special occasion. His first question was ''What are the two testaments of the Bible?'' He said ''Thou shall not steal and thou shall not commit adultery.'' Howard thought that might be too hard to answer so he asked Anthony ''Who wrote 'Green Eggs and Ham'?'' He still had no clue so Howard asked him ''How to you spell SPAGHETTI?'' Anthony said ''SPAGGETTI'' It was obvious that Anthony wasn't going to win. Howard heard that Anthony's sister Jill was pretty hot so he brought her in. She was able to spell spaghetti correctly. Howard found out that Anthony actually came on to his sister one time. The sister said he was drunk at the time and tried to feel her up!
The final contestant was Angelo, an immigrant from Guyana. He's currently unemployed and you'll soon discover why.. Howard asked him a tough question that any immigrant would have a hard time with. ''Complete this line: 'A stitch in time saves..' what?'' No clue. Howard then asked him an easy one ''How many seconds are in a minute?'' No clue again. Howard repeated the question and even gave him multiple choice:
He spent a couple of minutes with Kendra giving out some of her plugs. She'll be appearing at Al's Diamond Cabaret in PA from Tuesday through Saturday this week. You can also see pictures of her on RealPornWorld.com. She said she'd return in 2 weeks or so to try this game again.
One listener called in and said that he saw David's penis one time and it was about 8 inches. Howard said one time that to get Courtney he must have a lot of cocaine or a big penis.. it must be the latter.
After asking David to get Courtney 5 times Gary came in and made an offer to him. He said if David woke Courtney up he'd donate $10,000 to their favorite charity courtesy of iWon.com. David still said no and wouldn't go wake her up. Howard predicted that the tabloids will pick up the story and say that ''Sleep is more important than starving kids to Courtney Cox''. That didn't change David's mind though. He just wouldn't do it. (insert whip cracking sound here) Bloated attorney Dominic Barbara called in and offered to give another $2500 to Robin's charity if David would wake Courtney.. Still a no go. Howard finally gave up on that idea and thanked David for calling in. He said the next time he's out in California he'll hang out with them.
At 10:05 Gary came in and said that David called back and said he told Courtney about the money and she was pissed that he didn't wake her up. Howard said he wanted to do the call at another time because it was getting so late in the show. He asked David to check with Courtney if they could do the call tomorrow. Courtney then got on the phone and said she wanted to wish Howard a happy Valentine's day. She later said she didn't need the money to do the show either. She told Howard that she really wasn't doing a lot of shows in New York like Howard thought. She claims that David was doing the promotion and she didn't want to wear out her welcome on Howard's show. She has another movie coming out in a couple of months that's going to need some help so she'll be in to promote that one. She also told Howard that she has seen his new TV show ''Son of the Beach'' and it's really funny. She told him he should be proud that he's producing it. Howard spent some time sweet talking Courtney telling her how he'd like to bang her. He said he'd like to get her in a mini-skirt with no panties, take her out to dinner and mess around with her in the restaurant.
Howard also brought up Courtney and David's marriage counseling. He wondered why they need that so early on in the marriage. Courtney said they actually started before they got married. She said one of the problems that she wanted to straighten out was how David takes everything so personally when she brings it up. Howard told her that they shouldn't need therapy so early on. He should know because it took about 20 years before he needed the therapy.. and that didn't help. Howard also couldn't believe that they didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. Courtney said she thinks they should get married for the right reasons and that this marriage will last a long time.
Howard told Courtney that he'll be out in California next week and he wants to hang with them. She said it would be okay and started bringing up some names of people she could invite. We'll find out about that dinner when Howard returns from California.
Howard also spent a little time talking about how strange his relationship with Robin Givens is. When she was on the show recently they said they were going to go out sometime but Robin never gave Howard her phone number. Then just recently Robin sent some people on the show invitations to a party. Gary spoke to Robin about it and thought that she might give him her number for Howard but she never did. Howard was a little upset with Gary for not asking her for her number. Gary said he didn't want to overstep his bounds and ask for her number. He says Howard really needs to tell him exactly what he wants him to do because he can't read his mind. He told Gary he wants him to get her home phone number.
Gary was up next and he flopped even worse than Jackie. He took most of his jokes from a book. Here are a couple of the jokes:
Up next was KC. Howard was tired of the whole thing by now but he let KC try anyway. KC goofed on Howard's nose and looks and must have said something about Alison because Howard hit the delay and told him not to say anything about her. He continued to tell a few bad jokes about Howard's ego and how he left behind something he cherished and loved.. His full length mirror wouldn't fit in the U-Haul. Howard stopped him but KC said he had a special guest, Wood Yi. Wood Yi came in and said ''Stop crying about your wife you sound like a pussy faggot..'' He went on to tell two more jokes but Howard had to hit the delay on both of them. Howard had to get rid of Wood Yi. He said he was hysterical but the jokes didn't belong on the air.
The funniest of the group was Fred who quickly went through and told a bunch of funny jokes about Howard and his looks. He also went off on Jackie at the end of it. He ended up roasting him more than Howard. Some of his jokes:
Stuttering John was also very funny in a weird way. His delivery was really odd and every time he said ''nose'' it was like the old Pee Wee's playhouse word of the day.. Sound effects went off. Most of his jokes were about Howard's nose of course. He also joked about Howard's tiny penis. He said ''When Angie saw it she immediately wanted to change his diaper.''
Benjy was the final roaster and he had a few funny jokes. He finished up his part by quoting Howard's book ''Private Parts'' where Howard talks about the secret to life is to stay with your family no matter what.
After all of the roasting Howard took a couple of phone calls. One guy couldn't believe he waited a week to hear this crap. Everyone agreed that Jackie was the worst of the bunch.. Gary was a close second.
Howard also spent some time talking about other things early this morning. He played a remake of Britany Spears ''Baby One More Time'' from this band from Europe that really sucked. Howard thought they were serious with the song until the overnight DJ on his New York station called in and told him it was a goof. Howard ended up talking to her for a couple of minutes about her huge breasts. Dani is known for her huge cans according to Gary and Stuttering John. John also brought up this ''Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire'' show that was on last night. He told Howard about how weird it was for a guy to have his family judging women to marry him.
Mike Gange came in and told Howard about what's on TV tonight. He brought up this Jon Benet Ramsey TV movie that's on FOX tonight. That led to a discussion about how wrong it was for those people to do what they did to their young daughter. Howard then brought up this movie that Kathie Lee did with her son Cody. He said that the movie is very disturbing because it looks like there's someone holding a gun to the kid's head off camera. Howard said that Kathie Lee is not a normal woman because if she was she'd tell her child to enjoy his childhood and forget about acting until he grows up. He said the kid looks so uncomfortable that it makes you uncomfortable to watch the movie.
Vinnie ran home to get a sample question but when he called in it was too late so Howard told him they'd do it tomorrow.
Mike Gange came in and said that he saw Gilbert at Scores one night and he'd brought his own women with him to dance for him. Gilbert said he did that so he wouldn't have to tip the dancers. Gary also came in and told Howard that in Gilbert's pre-interview Benjy found out that when Gilbert was 15 he used to go into comedy clubs and pretended to be comedian's agents. He'd critique their delivery and their material just as a goof. He doesn't remember if any of them became famous. All he remembers is that they used to get really pissed at him.
Robin tried to do her news stories while Gilbert added his usual inappropriate comments during every story. MarksFriggin.com's favorite guest Gilbert Gottfried will be appearing at Caroline's Comedy Club on Thursday, February 17.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about getting his hair cut yesterday. His usual hair stylist wasn't able to do it so he had to go to another guy who did a good job. Howard is preparing to go out to Los Angeles next week so he needs a good hair cut. He went to some guy by the name of John Sahog.
Howard also brought up this story about a racist remark that was made by a New York Yankee back in the late 1930's. He was pointing out that John Rocker wasn't the first baseball player to get in trouble over stupid remarks. He went through this whole story about how this guy made a joke about how when he's not playing ball he's a cop and he likes to go out and ''beat nig*ers with a club''. That led to the guy getting suspended. A few years later the guy committed suicide.
Howard spent a quick minute talking about this band Bloodhound Gang. The singer in the band, Jimmy Pop, was hired to be an intern on his show but backed out of it when he got an album deal. He came in back in 1996 to talk to Howard about it. Now the band has another album out and Howard played a quick clip of the hit song.
John told Howard that he met Rebecca at a fashion show and they started dating shortly after that. He didn't pick her out of a magazine like some people have claimed. Rebecca is up in Toronto working on the ''X-Men'' movie. Howard said he's looking forward to seeing that movie because he's such a comic book fan. John also had to defend stories about him that said he tried to have Rebecca end her modeling career. He says he did no such thing.
Howard eventually got Rebecca off the phone and spoke to John about the whole Beach Boys thing. John was executive producer for the movie. He plays with the band once in a while and did the movie for himself. He also plugged a Beach Boys show that's happening on the 26th and 27th at Westbury Music Fair.
After the plugs Howard took a couple of phone calls and one of the guys who called in said he saw John walk out of a bathroom one time without washing his hands. Then one of the interns on Howard's show came in and said John did the same thing just before he came in the studio. John said that wasn't true and he made sure to wash his hands because he knew he'd have problems if he didn't. Luckily Scott the Engineer was in the bathroom talking to John and he backed up his story. John swore that he washed them even though he'd just peed. The caller was talking about him having taken a dump and not washing his hands. Howard was running out of time so he had to end the segment after that.
Pauly also told a story about meeting Monica Lewinsky. He said he saw her at a pub out in Los Angeles and no one was talking to her. He decided to go right up to her and introduce himself. He did that and got her number. He goofed around with her and joked that he wanted to get together with her, impregnate her and they'd have ''fat babies with big foreheads.'' He was just playing with her but all he got was silence. He called her up and spoke to her a couple of times but she eventually changed her number so he couldn't call her again.
Pauly shared another quick story about having his 32nd birthday party down in Florida. The 32nd birthday sounded a little low to Robin so she questioned that. Pauly said it was his 32nd and told the story. He mentioned a restaurant down in Florida called ''The Bed'' where you eat dinner on a bed. Howard thought that sounded pretty cool. The rest of the story didn't really go anywhere though. He hung out with Perry Farrell and Christina Aguilerra.
Before Pauly left Howard brought in the ''Bada Bing'' girls from ''The Sopranos''. It turns out the girls aren't real strippers. They're actresses playing strippers. They said a couple of words and Howard let Pauly plug his Carolines appearances. He's appearing at the comedy club this Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He's also got a new CD out called ''Hollywood, We've Got A Problem''. He's also got a web site at PaulyShore.com.
After taking a commercial break Howard came back and discussed Pauly's age. Robin didn't believe the age thing but Howard did. They talked about how he's lost his hair and how old he looks. KC came in and said he'd try to get Pauly's driver's license to prove the age. Pauly was still out in the hall but he said he left his license at the hotel. He swore to Gary that he's 32. Gary said he asked him his birth date and when he graduated high school and he knew it immediately so he believed him. Pauly told Gary he'd go back to the hotel and fax over a copy of his license to prove it.
John told Howard that Carrot Top is a really nice guy. He also mentioned that his facial hair isn't red like his real hair. He said that Carrot Top told him it just happened like that. John figures he must dye his facial hair. Howard had to point out to him that it's obvious he dyes his real hair and his facial hair is his real color. John said he was stoned at that time so that was his excuse for being so dopey.
After a few minutes of that story Howard moved on and let Bob talk about some of the other things going on in his life. He's going to be filming a TV show pilot in a few weeks and he said he has Howard to thank for that. He's even taking acting lessons so he can do a better job on the show. He also told Howard that his marriage is working out okay now and that he just went on vacation with the whole family.
During the segment talk show host/singer/comedian Roseanne called in to get in some of her plugs. She was barely awake during the call. She said she was out drinking last night celebrating the pressing of her first music CD. Howard played a quick sample of one of her songs that's just plain strange. She can't sing but says that she thinks she's great. She'll be at some Tower Record store signing CD's. The plug never really came out though. I think it may have been cut off when the delay was hit after she said 'shit'. She joked that she was going to have sex with everyone who came down to get her CD. Bob quickly said ''Oh, she'll be doing it 3 times then.'' Everyone found that pretty funny. Roseanne brought up Howard's separation so they spent a quick minute talking about that. She heard that they broke up because Howard is gay and he was caught in bed with Ralph. Howard told her what really happened.
After the Roseanne call Howard spent a little while longer talking to Bob. Howard asked him if there was anyone in Hollywood that he would bad mouth. Pauly Shore's name came up but Bob didn't say much about him. Howard said that he got a copy of Pauly's license after yesterday's show that did prove that he's only 32. Even Bob found that hard to believe.
Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard had Red perform a quick bit of his new song ''I Wanna Polka Polka''. It's a play on words like his other songs... like ''I wanna poke her polka''. Red said that he recorded that with the Ivan Awfulcockitch Orchestra. Howard was ready to move on but KC came in with some facts about Red. He played it as a ''Two Truths and a Dare'' game but Howard really wasn't that interested. Red did tell one story about how he almost got a date with a Miss America. He was doing some kind of work at a recording studio when he met her. He was on line waiting to go to the bathroom while he was speaking to the Miss America. A woman had gone ahead of him. When he went in the bathroom there was the stink of crap in the air. He lit a match and tried to clear up the smell. He peed then looked over at the toilet where there was a floater. The toilet wouldn't flush so he tried to fix it so the Miss America wouldn't think that he crapped in there. He was unsuccessful at his mission and gave up. He left the bathroom and said the Miss America never spoke to him again. Howard read off some more of the ''Two Truths and a Dare'' but Red wasn't following along too well so Howard gave up on them.
On Red's album ''Ol' Blue Balls Is Back'' you'll find tons of songs as well as a couple of other things you may have heard on Howard's show such as the ''Peenitch'' commercial, ''Doggy Style'' and ''The Pope'' interview. Red is very proud of his ''Spelling Song'' where he spells out ''F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E''.