Howard Stern Show News Archives.
Howard also gave his review of the new movie ''Stuart Little'' which he saw with his 6 year old daughter Ashley this weekend. He said it was great for kids and parents will even enjoy it. He said Ashley told him that she liked it even better than ''Toy Story 2.''
After the Cuba thing Howard was talking about how vagina is the greatest thing in the world because it can make a person forget about the ''horror'' that goes on in this world. Howard also told a listener who asked him if he'd had sex since his legal separation that he won't tell anyone about it if he does. He said he's got kids and they don't need to hear about him getting laid by someone other than their mother.
Howard also spent a couple of minutes talking about this anti-fur commercial that no one wanted to air until his Chicago affiliate agreed to do it. The commercial features some anti-fur organization playing the sounds of an actual animal being killed. Howard played the short commercial and you can hear the animal squealing in pain as someone breaks it's neck. Howard said he thinks the anti-fur people have the right to be heard so he doesn't have a problem with the affiliate airing the commercial. He said they take any advertiser they can get anyway.
Gary the Retard called in to say a quick ''HI Howard!'' this morning. Gary and Howard spent a minute talking about bowling. Gary said he can bowl a 107 and said he doesn't use ''retard'' bowling bumpers in the gutters. Gary told Howard he's ready to come to New York anytime. He wants to go back to Scores to see his woman. Howard said that maybe they should have a special Christmas bowling match together.
| Question | Caller Says | Homeless Answer | Correct? |
| How many testicles does a normal man have? | Y | Two | Y |
| How did Princess Diana die? | Y | Car accident | Y |
| What are the last 4 letters of the alphabet? | Y | X L Y Z | N |
| Do you know how to spell the word Penis? | N | P E N I S | Y |
| How many clitoris' does a woman have? | Y | Three | N |
After the shit hit the fan Bob's wife told him to put an end to it. Bob called the other woman in front of his wife and told the woman that he didn't want her to contact him anymore. As he was talking on the phone his wife grabbed it to make sure he was talking to her. She then heard the Movie Phone listings on the other end. Caught again!
Bob then said that he was in Los Angeles and was flying home to Arizona. When he got to the airport his wife wasn't there. He had to take a ''Super Shuttle'' home. When he got to the house the locks had been changed and he had to go to the bathroom really bad. He had to take a dump and there was no way in the house. So he went in the back yard, pulled down his pants and crapped where his dogs crap. As he was in the middle of doing that his wife came home! She caught him with his pants down. He said he wiped himself with his T-shirt. Needless to say he wasn't allowed back in the house. He had to spend the night at his parents house. His wife wanted him out of the house permanently.
It sounded like everything was over between Bob and his wife but he went on to tell Howard he got back in. He took his wife out to dinner and talked her into taking him back. He said he promised not to ever do it again.
Howard took some calls for Bob. One woman called Bob a pig but it didn't seem to bother him too much. One guy said Bob is his idol. Bob's pager went off during the interview and it turned out to be Jessica, his daughter. He had Howard call her to get her on the air. When Howard did get her on the air she wasn't even aware that her father was on the show today. Howard told her the story about her father taking a dump in their back yard and she was disgusted. Howard asked her if she's gotten an orgasm yet. When she was on with her father she said she hadn't gotten one. Her boyfriend found out about that and bought some ''Better Sex'' videos. Jessica said they don't work that great though. They teach you to masturbate and the people on the video are big and fat.
Howard wrapped things up and plugged Bob's stuff. His album ''Unprotected'' just came out today. You can visit WBR.com/RobertSchimmel which is Warner Brothers official site for Bob. Bob is appearing at the Washington DC Improv from December 9-12 and at the San Francisco Palace of Fine Arts on December 31.
| Question | Caller Says | Homeless Answer | Correct? |
| How did JFK Jr. die? | N | Assassination | N |
| What is the name of the current First Lady? | Y | Theodore Roosevelt | N |
| What month are taxes due? | N | November | N |
| How many holes are in the game of golf? | N | Sixteen | N |
The guy won in 4 questions so Howard and the gang bet on the rest of the questions which included the following:
| Question | Homeless Answer | Correct? |
| How many people are in a quartet? | Thirty two | N |
| What kind of animals race in the Kentucky Derby? | Horses | Y |
| What do you call a tooth doctor? | Dentist | Y |
| Name one bridge in New York. | Brooklyn Bridge | Y |
| What number is Blackjack? | Spades, queens, diamonds.. | N |
| How many weeks are in a year? | Fifty two | Y |
| How do you spell New York? | NEW YORK | Y |
| What is 8 X 5? | Forty | Y |
| What is the square root of 81? | 481 | N |
| How many sides does a pentagon have? | Four | N |
After that was over Howard found out that the stripper, Stephanie, wanted to get butt-bongo'd by Howard. He had to take a break first so he let everyone plug their stuff. The other guy, Shawn, said that he lost his weight by doing Robot Karate and plugged RobotKarate.com a bunch of times. Sherry works at the Crunch fitness club on 42nd street and plugged Crunch.com.
John also interviewed Danny Devito. Danny happily answered John's questions which included:
Also wanting to be Butt Bongo'd was an 18 year old belly dancer by the name of Nima. She told Howard that she learned how to belly dance when she was living in Africa. She looked a little too young for Howard so he decided not to do the Butt Bongo on her. Howard said her ass was really big and she had a flabby belly. Howard said Anastasia needs to lose about 20 pounds and she'd be ready for banging. He and Stuttering John both agreed that her face was really nice but the rest of her needed some work. She dances at club Aladdin in New Jersey. She also plugged XXXArtistic.com where she does some nude modeling. Nima said she does some nude stuff for LifeStyle.com.
Howard started off the show saying they had a jam packed show coming up. He said they have a woman coming in to show them her new breast implants. She'll be playing Turkish Millionaire. They also have Crazy Alice coming in with Hank the Dwarf. Courtney Love will also be stopping in and Jon Stewart will be calling in. He said he was going to take a break after that.
Howard had mentioned the name of the Woody's biological kid Shamus who has turned out to be a genius from what he's read. The kid is 11 years old and entering college already. Howard said that's not genius like he's genius. He said he went to retard classes when he was in school so this 11 year old is already going to college so he's got to be a lot smarter than he ever was.
Howard read the article about the kid and kept screwing up the pronunciation of his name. Robin corrected him a couple of times but Howard kept screwing it up anyway. He said Fred pointed out to him that it's going to be a lonely life for that kid because he won't have anyone to talk to in school. Howard said he'd still love to have that kind of brain power. He said he'd take that right now if he could.
Howard continued to read the article and said it's probably driving Woody crazy knowing that the kid turned out to be so smart. He read that Woody didn't even know the kid was going to college at 11. The article describes the kid's learning and how he knew the theory of black holes when he was 5 years old. Howard said he'd love to interview that kid. He said he met the kid when he was filming his movie ''Private Parts'' because Mia Farrow brought him with her to the set.
Howard said they give out the kid's information in the article saying where he goes to school and the type of car he arrives in. He said that's kind of wrong and didn't give the information out on the air. He read more stuff about the kid and how he still has some child-like actions like running to see a dog in the front seat of the mini-van that picked him up from school.
Howard said there was another story in the paper about a 9 year old boy down in Memphis who lived with his mother's corpse for over 30 days. The kid was so nervous that he was going to be put in a foster home that he just covered up his dead mother with paper. He fixed his own meals and went to school every day for over a month. He went through his life as if nothing had happened. When he ran out of money he went to the store to shop and even signed his mother's name to a report card. The death was discovered when someone came looking for his mother.
The kid ran to his mother when the ambulance came to take her away because he didn't want her to go. Howard said that shows that the kid was ready to live on his own. The people interviewed said the kid was very well adjusted and he kept up his grades and stuff in school. He was turned over to his maternal grandparents. Someone said that it was amazing the kid lasted that long in the house with the awful smell of the rotting body.
Howard said he read a story about President Clinton who was asked how he feels that his wife is going to be living in New York. He read that Clinton is going to try and cope with that. Howard said everyone knows that the two of them aren't enjoying each other sexually. He figured that Clinton will spend some time with his wife, maybe once a month. He did his impression of Clinton and goofed on him about the article.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she loves him. She said she has a brother-in-law who looks kind of like Howard so she's getting attracted to him. She said he's an uglier version of Howard though. Howard asked her how tall she is. She's only 5'2'' tall but she wants to come in to meet him. She said she could burp but when asked to do it, she said it was too early.
Howard had the David Letterman impersonator on the phone. He wanted to talk to him about that great performance he had done yesterday. Howard thought his impression was pretty amazing and sounded a lot like the real Dave. He asked him to go to an evil place with his Letterman impression but the guy wouldn't do it. It was like he was protecting the real Dave. He told the guy he's going to call him in a few days and he'll have a scathing script for him to read. David Letterman Jr. Had some jokes to read but after one lame one, Howard let him go.
Howard took over the story from Gange and said Hank was at a party last night and ended up passing out in the corner. The people running the party had hired Hank to work the party and he ended up falling asleep. Jackie said he looks like a puppet after the puppet master puts the strings down. Howard said that's what Hank does though so they shouldn't have expected more from the guy. Mike said Hank had two beers in his hands the whole night.
Beetlejuice was also there at the party. Mike said it was really weird to see him sitting in a corner smoking a cigarette and bopping to the music that was playing.
A woman called in and told Howard she would like to get spanked. Howard asked her if she's hot. She paused for a second and said ''Uh...'' Howard said he really doesn't want to spank anyone who is a mess. The woman said she's 5'7'' tall and weighs 130 pounds. She's muscular though and claims she's a personal trainer.
Howard told Gary to book this woman to come in and get spanked. He told her that if she was there today, he would have had Hank spank her. He was wondering if he could bounce a quarter off her ass. She said he could try but she wasn't sure what would happen. He told her to come down tomorrow and he'll do that. He asked her what she wanted to be spanked to. She said that anything by Nine Inch Nails would be good. Howard seemed to like that and spent a couple more minutes talking to her.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Howard if he had seen the ''Billboard crap'' last night. Howard didn't really know what he was talking about so he hung up on him. The guy was talking about the Billboard Awards so they spent a short time on that subject.
Howard took another call from a guy who was having problems speaking, kind of like Mike Gange, so Howard asked if it was Gange calling in from the other room. The caller had asked why there are no blacks on the Who Wants to be a Millionaire show with Regis. Howard said he's not sure. The caller said that they apparently can't pass the screening test. Now the NAACP is looking into the whole thing to see why there aren't any black people on the show.
Howard talked about some game shows that are trying to have the success of Millionaire. He came up with some of his own ideas for game shows and had some fun with that for a few minutes. He was doing his black voice and coming up with a really racist show. He had to go to break after that.
Stuttering John came in and said that he has some fistulas and the doctors weren't able to find where they went to. The doctors opted to wait to operate on him. Howard still had no idea what he was talking about. He brought up Amy Lynn who was there and said that she's looking really good. John said he thinks she looks better than ever.
John said he went out to the ''Man on the Moon'' movie premiere and got a few interviews. Howard played the tape of him interviewing Michael Stipe from the band R.E.M. John asked them what Andy Kauffman meant to him. Stipe said he was a big influence on him. He ran off when John asked him why all of their songs sound the same.
John interviewed Molly Shannon from Saturday Night Live. Howard explained who she is and said she's a big fan of the show. She ran over to John when she saw him and said she loves Howard Stern. John tried asking her some questions but she was going on and on about how much she loves the show. John asked her how often she masturbates and if she still smokes weed. She ran off after the weed question without an answer.
Howard said John attempted to interview Al Roker but Al didn't talk to him. John threw out a question but Al walked right past him. Courtney Love was there so she went up to John and knew he was from Howard Stern. She was asking for some help to find a bass player for the band. She said no one can play and she wondered why that was. Howard said she seems to be playing dumb in that interview because he's spoken to her off the air. He said she is kind of ''out there'' but she's not as hyper as she is in that interview.
Stuttering John asked Courtney some sex questions and that seemed to calm her down. She didn't avoid any questions that he asked. Howard moved on to the interview John did with Danny Devito. The questions were mostly about his height. Danny stuck with him through a bunch of questions so Howard wondered if he hates being reminded about his height. He said it's kind of amazing that Danny was able to pull off his acting career being that height. The guy is an amazing man according to Howard. Howard played more of the Danny interview and he stuck with John even after a bunch of those height questions. John asked for a hug from him and asked Danny what he thinks of Howard Stern. Danny said he loves the guy and gave John a hug.
Howard said that was it for John's interviews. Doug Goodstein came in and said that John's nose was running that night and he got his snot on some celebrities. John said that he gave a kiss to Janeane Garofalo and he could feel the snot leaving his face onto hers. Howard wondered where that interview was and found it a few seconds later. He played the interview and Janeane stuck with him through a couple of questions but nothing all that spectacular.
Howard asked to see her boobies. He said they were very big and it kind of reminded him of a Macy's Day Parade. He asked her if she was ready to play this Turkish Millionaire game with them today. She didn't know what it was or how much a million Turkish dollars was worth. Howard wouldn't tell her either. Howard spent a little time talking to Kim about how she makes love to her sister and stuff like that. She has a son and said that he laughs everything off when he hears about it so it's not a big deal. Howard heard that her son has been staring at her boobs a lot lately. She said he does because he's not used to seeing her with such big boobs.
Howard moved on to the game and asked her the following questions...
Howard had Dr. Calabro on the phone so he spent a short time talking to him about the giant implants he gave to Kim. He told Dr. Calabro that he should have kept going with the fat removal in her ass. Dr. Calabro said that she gave him a chair dance as a thank-you after the surgery. He said that was great. Howard wondered what kind of clinic he's running over there. Dr. Sal said he had that done in front of the whole staff. Howard said it's like the Boom Boom Room over there at Dr. Sal's. He asked Kim if she sucked anything out of Dr. Calabro since he had sucked the fat out of her. She said she didn't do that. Dr. Calabro said he sucked over a gallon of fat from her. Howard was going to give Kim another chance but he had to move on to Amy Lynn.
Amy said that she's known Howard for 12 years and she's still in love with him. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. He doesn't think she could have any love for him. She insists she does though. She's giving up on trying to get him though. Howard told her that he would demand anal from her on the first date if they went out. He was making a reference to a Frank Gifford tape where he asked for anal. Amy said that she likes anal but she would need him to take care of the front as well. She couldn't believe she was admitting to that on the air.
Amy showed Howard her body and told him that she weighs 114 pounds. She said she's feeling really good about her body and it's time for her to go on the internet. Howard checked out her stomach and said that was perfect as well. Amy said she's been working out a lot so that's why she's looking the way she does. Amy changed subjects and asked Howard what he's going to be doing for the Millennium because she's going to be out partying. Howard told Amy that she would never be happy with him because he's such a bore and a stick in the mud. He also said he'd like his stick in her mud.
Howard asked Amy to come over and sit on his lap for a little while. She went over and Howard said that you really have to give a woman like this a test drive. He said she's nice and light, just the way he likes it. He asked Robin how they look as a couple. Robin said they look great. Amy said she wants to go out to eat with him today. Howard said he has the kids today so he can't go today. He told her that he's very lonely these days.
Howard asked Amy for a kiss goodbye. She gave that to him and he kind of pulled away according to Robin. She thought it was funny that he pulled away the way he did. Amy gave Howard a personal password to get into her web site before she got up. Howard did something with her as he was going to break but didn't say what it was.
Alice asked Howard why he calls her crazy because she's just a woman who speaks her mind. Howard reminded everyone about how she got on the show when she used to call in and tell them about how she dislikes other black people. Robin said something to her at one point and Alice got up to confront her. Howard told her this wasn't the Jerry Springer show though so she had to sit down.
Alice was saying that she chooses to date white men and Robin seems to have a problem with that. Robin said she just mentioned it, she wasn't saying there was anything wrong with that. Alice was complaining about Howard making fun of her when she told him that her sister had died. She didn't appreciate that. Howard asked her if she's still in a black neighborhood. She said that she's in a mixed neighborhood. She said she'd never live in a black neighborhood.
Howard told Alice she was looking beautiful and normal today. She said Howard is looking good too. Howard said she looks kind of like him actually. She seemed to be amused by that. Alice told Howard she took a cab in this morning and the driver told her that she didn't look black to him. She said he was probably Iranian or something and he didn't think she looked black.
Alice talked about how she's had problems with people from her race. She's been robbed and stuff like that. She corrected Howard about her race though, she said she's only half black. She also talked about how she went out and got herself a gun to protect herself.
Benjy came in and said that Alice kind of came on to him. He said he pictured her differently and expected her to be darker skinned with different hair. He finds her attractive and would like to go out on a date with her. Howard said he never would have expected this. Benjy went over and gave Alice a little kiss. He went right in and started making out with her even after she said she just wanted a little kiss. Howard told him to put his pants back on and said he was completely aroused over there.
Howard said that Alice's make up was all over Benjy's face. Alice got upset because she had herself all made up. Howard told her she looked fine but she wanted to look really good for Howard. She got distracted by the OJ Simpson mask they have in the studio. She said she hates that guy. Then she took a whack at Benjy for messing up her make-up. She just wanted a quick peck on the cheek, she didn't want all of that stuff. Howard said he never would have expected the two of them to hook up like that. Alice asked Howard to go to commercial break so she could fix herself but Howard told her to stop being vain and put down the mirror. She was upset that she spent so much time on the make-up and now it was screwed up.
Howard wanted to bring in Hank the Dwarf because Alice had something to say to him. Alice said she really doesn't dislike him at all. Howard said Hank had done an appearance last night and passed out in the middle of it. Howard said Hank was so tanked this morning he couldn't even figure out how to put the headphones on. The guys had to lift him up to the couch because he couldn't reach it himself.
Alice said she feels sorry for Hank because she's an alcoholic and that's what killed her mother. She said that Hank is like the cutest little thing she's ever seen on the show. KC came in and said that Alice told him that Hank was a disgrace because he reminded her of her mother. She said she never told him he was a disgrace. Howard asked Alice to tell Hank that drinking is bad for him. She wouldn't do that because he is a grown man after all.
Alice said that she's only banged one man in her whole life. She said it was that gorilla she was with. Howard asked her if she would give oral to a guy. She said that she finds it disgusting and that it's the lowest thing a woman can do. She said she's never been in love either. Howard figures she doesn't have any sex drive at all. She said she believes in having sex after marriage so she's kind of old fashioned.
Alice said she's not looking for a man at this point because she has so many irons in the fire at this point. She said she has a lot of financial pressure and depression. Howard noticed that Hank was about to pass out so he asked him if he was okay. Hank told Howard things are fine for him. He claims he's even getting laid. Robin laughed and asked who's sleeping with Hank. Hank said he gets short girls who aren't dwarves. He said they're around 5 feet or so.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he couldn't understand a word Alice was saying. That led to Alice going crazy and yelling at Howard for putting guys like that on with her. Alice gave him an ''Ariva Derci asshole!'' as he was getting off the line. Howard took some more calls and let a few more callers get Alice irritated. She was yelling at them and trying to hold back on the language. She would yell over the callers and tell them where to go. She flipped out on one guy and screamed at him for a couple of minutes. The caller wasn't having much luck getting his thoughts out because Alice wouldn't stop yelling. Howard told Alice that she argues well and he imagines that she does this every day. She said that is the way it goes and she does argue with people all the time.
Howard took some more phone calls for Hank and Alice. He said he had to move on to Courtney Love soon. Hank asked if he could stick around to meet her. Howard told him he could do her if he wanted. Some more callers goofed on Alice so she went off on them like she did earlier with the other callers. Howard said it's like one of those Three Stooges episodes where someone goes off when someone says a certain word. She was flipping out on the callers who were calling in.
Another caller told Alice that she sounds really black. She said that she is black, half black, and never denied that. She let out the S-word at one time and apologized for saying that. She said that men don't mean shit to her. Howard took a few more calls and let people get Alice pissed at them. He wrapped up the interview a short time later. He said he'd love it if Alice lived there in New York so they could have her on the show more often.
Howard asked Alice if she needed any plugs or anything. She said she was just there to see them today and didn't need anything. Howard told her to come by anytime she wants to. Howard said that after the break they'll be talking to Courtney Love. Hank asked to stick around for that so Howard asked him if he'd be able to sit there quietly. Hank said he just wants to meet her.
Howard took one more call for Alice thinking he was going to say something nice to her. She ended up yelling at the guy and calling him the N-word so Howard cut her off and went right to commercial.
Courtney was smoking when she came in so Howard told her she was killing him. She said she wouldn't smoke for long. Howard told her that her boobs looked nice and so did her body. Samantha is a big fan of the show so Courtney said this was a big moment for her. Sam said she said she would never go on the show but she couldn't refuse the offer when Courtney told her about it. Courtney used to avoid the show too because she thought it was sexist but now she just does it.
Courtney said that Sam played drums on Pamela Anderson's show. She got to meet Tommy Lee who told her that she's one of the greatest drummers he's ever heard. Howard asked Courtney about her bass player leaving to go play for the Smashing Pumpkins. She said that's true but she's not upset about it at all. She also said that she likes Billy Corgan but he doesn't like her. She said they're looking for a bass player to play for them but they're not having much luck so far.
Howard talked to Courtney about this movie she's going to be producing. She said that she'll be working with Betty Thomas on that. Howard talked to Courtney about working with Jim Carrey on the ''Man on the Moon' movie. She said she was really attracted to Jim while they were filming that movie. She said she'd like to be able to direct movies some day.
Courtney was saying that she wanted to slam someone. She said that Dave Grohl appears on Howard's show and he always slags her when he's on. She said that Dave knows perfectly well who wrote what in her band and he makes it seem like Kurt Cobain wrote her stuff when that's not true. She then sang a song about Dave and told Howard that Kurt hated Dave. She said that hate didn't happen in the first year they were working together, it was after that. She said Dave was funny and he ended up turning his back on Kurt when their fame hit.
Courtney said that Dave wrote another song about her called ''Stacked Actor'' and she's not sure why he continues to write songs about her like that. She doesn't even know what it's all about. Howard checked out Courtney's body and said that he might be attracted to her. Howard wondered if she's gentle in bed. He's pretty sure he wouldn't be able to handle her though.
Courtney asked Howard if he thinks that people like the Foo Fighters just because Dave was in Nirvana. Howard said he doesn't believe that at all. He told her that he likes their music a lot. He also likes Courtney's music and played some of the Hole album.
Howard asked Courtney about how she knew that Kurt disliked Dave Grohl so much. Courtney said that Kurt felt like he had betrayed them in some way. They used to talk about how Dave was like a popular guy in school and when the band exploded, he was enjoying the success while she and Kurt had drug problems. It was like Dave was avoiding Kurt when he was having his drug problems. Samantha told Courtney that maybe she shouldn't talk about this stuff. Courtney thought she was right and decided to stop before she hurt anyone else.
Courtney wanted to talk about her daughter Francis and wanted to show a picture of her to Howard. Howard got a hold of the picture and said she looks like Courtney. Courtney said she looks more like Kurt. Howard moved on after that and asked Courtney about this movie she's in because he's heard it's very much like ''Private Parts.'' She said it is kind of like that. She plays the part of Andy Kauffman's girlfriend in the movie and she really enjoyed doing it because she doesn't get killed off. She said that Milosh Forman really likes Howard and also likes Garth Brooks of all people. Howard and Robin were shocked when they heard her mention that name.
Howard saw that there was an article about Courtney to read. He saw there was a picture but didn't recognize her in it. He said she looked great in the picture. Courtney said she hasn't had any surgery but Howard said there has to be something going on there. He read through the article and then asked Courtney what kind of money she's worth. Courtney didn't want to go there and asked Howard what he's worth. Howard told her that he's worth a lot less than he used to be (thanks to his divorce).
Howard took some more phone calls for Courtney and let a few people talk to her. One guy said that the only reason Hole is popular is because of Nirvana. Courtney said her band was popular before Nirvana even hit big so the guy has no idea what he's talking about. The guy said she has to be lying about the Dave Grohl being hated by Kurt story as well. Courtney said she had a journal entry that Kurt wrote about feeling betrayed by his drummer that she could show him. The caller said that his sister would freak if she knew that he was talking to Courtney because she's a huge fan.
Courtney said that she's fine with people who like the Foo Fighters but maybe Dave should get another subject to write about and leave her out of the songs. Howard was trying to help Courtney out with a new bass player by suggesting the bass player who played with David Bowie at his birthday show. He played the song for her so she could hear the bass playing. She said the song was really good. She listened in for a short time. Howard said that chick might be willing to leave Bowie's band if they could offer her more. Howard also played Bowie's ''Fame'' performance from that same show. Howard pointed out that the bass player was singing during that performance as well.
Courtney asked Samantha to tell some stories about going to school with Sara Michelle Gellar. Sam said she spoke to Sara and she had to leave the school because she was always getting beat up. Howard knows what that's like. Courtney changed subjects again and wanted to straighten out a feud that she's supposed to be having with the band KoRn. She said that she actually got mad at their management for taking the little girls from the audience and doing weird stuff with them. She said she loves the band but she had a problem with the management.
Courtney was also talking about the way they quit the Marilyn Manson tour because it was such a disaster. She was also talking about some other stuff that's gone on in her career. She said she had been offered a movie one time and just watched that movie the other night. She didn't want to say what part it was because it wasn't fair to the actress who took the part.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she had the name and number for that bass player from Bowie's band. Howard put her on hold and told Courtney that takes care of that problem. Robin said she was listening to the Will Pendarvis show the other night and he was telling a story about Courtney showing her boobs during a video shoot. That led to Howard asking her to show her boobs to him. She wasn't going to do that. She told him they'll be displayed in this new video she shot. Howard played some of that song which was called ''Be A Man.'' Courtney wanted to hear it loud so she asked Howard to turn it up for her. She had control of the volume so he couldn't do anything with it.
Howard kept interrupting the song but he'd go right back into it. He told Samantha he likes a woman who can drum too. He kept asking Courtney to show her boobs but she kept refusing. KC came in and told a story about Courtney grabbing his fingers and sucking on them one time when he went to see them play in Louisville. Courtney said that was probably one of the best shows they ever played too.
Courtney told Howard and Robin about why she ended up topless in the video for that song. She said it was raining in the video and she was kind of pushing the video a little further than a Madonna video. She said that they're going to cut that into the video. Robin said they make her seem crazy when they talk about that incident but it was apparently planned.
Howard wrapped up with Courtney and ended up talking about Jim Carrey for a couple of minutes. They talked about Jim buying his own jet. Howard asked Courtney one last time if she wanted to show her chest. She didn't do it so Howard went to commercial break.
Howard said he heard some disturbing news about Jon... That he's getting married. Jon laughed an said that's true. He joked that she just turned 17 so she's not too young for him. He said he wasn't sure if she was Jewish or not. Howard wondered why he got engaged. Jon said they got engaged back in March and they're getting married pretty soon. He isn't doing the pre-nuptial thing with her either. Howard said that will be great when they split and everything goes out the window. Howard heard that Jon had her fill out a fake crossword puzzle to ask her to marry him. Jon said that they do sit and do crossword puzzles so he met a guy who does them for the NY Times and one of them was the one where he asked her to ''Please marry me'' and her name was in there.
Jon said it was a regular puzzle but two of the lines were the ones about marrying him. Robin told him that's the kind of stuff they save for when he gets divorced. Howard asked him to tell him that stock line ''I'm done having fun...'' Jon said he thinks he's done doing certain things and he's ready to get married.
Howard asked Jon to make him a crossword puzzle that says his wife stole the essence of his life. He threw in some other lines about how this has ruined his life and stuff like that. He told Jon that he's going to give up all of these women that are going to come on to him. Robin said that means he's going to dedicate his life to his career and he's going to be bigger than ever.
Jon said he's very glad he took this gig on ''The Daily Show'' and things are working out very well so far. He said he's on a roll at this point. He also told Howard that his fiancé is very cute but he's afraid to bring her on the show. Howard asked him if she likes anal. He said she will do it but very unwillingly. She covers her ears and goes ''Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.'' He said he's actually not a fan of that so he doesn't go there.
Howard told Jon he should come into the studio sometime. Jon said he wanted to come in next week but they're supposed to be on vacation or something. Howard told him to come in anytime then.
Howard and Courtney talked about Andy working on Taxi and how the cast of the show really disliked him back then. Courtney said that Jim really did a good job playing the part in the movie. Courtney told story after story about Jim getting way into the parts he was playing in the movie. She said that he would actually rub limburger cheese on himself to get into one of the characters.
Howard said that he wants to go see this movie and maybe he and Robin could go to a screening. He told Courtney that she did a good job promoting the movie. He felt like she was feeling something for him. He said he didn't want to play games with her. He asked her if she really wanted him to call her. She told him she really does. She said she'd like him to call her and ask her what she's wearing. Howard wondered who gets her bedroom number since that's not the one he got. She said she doesn't give that number to many people. She said that only about 7 people have it. Courtney said he had to earn that number from her. She hasn't even spoken to him off the air yet.
Howard said he'll try to find Courtney someone intelligent to talk to off the air. He said his penis went soft thinking about having an intelligent conversation with her. Courtney flashed Howard at one point and didn't realize that the E! cameras were in the studio. She wasn't thinking and claimed she really didn't know they were in there. Robin told her there were cameras all over the place in there. Courtney asked Howard not to show it on his TV show. Howard said they're going to open the show with that flash. She begged them not to show it on TV.
The E! crew showed the guys the video of her flashing as Courtney was about to leave. She was shocked that they had caught it and were showing it. Courtney said she can't believe she actually did that on his show. She said that Howard is going to hell for getting her to do something like that. She said it sucks so bad, it just ruined her life. Howard asked for a kiss goodbye before she left. He told her that the flash would help sell the movie.
Courtney was all upset that she had just showed her tits on the air. Howard asked her for a hug before she left so she went over and gave him one. He told her she looks good and her ass looked great. She ran out a short time later. Howard said she did a good job promoting the movie and he really likes her. He knew that she was giving him her number and he thinks that she wants it from him. He's not looking to seduce her but he may call her tomorrow morning and ask her what she's wearing.
Howard asked Fred why he thinks she gave him her number. He seemed to think she was coming on to him but Robin said she doesn't think that's the case at all. Howard said he has a bunch of women he thinks are coming on to him but none of them are giving him anything.
Howard had Robin get into her news. She figured they had run out of time but she was going to run through a bunch of stuff quickly. Howard and the guys had some fun goofing around with the stories that Robin was going through. Howard played some Hole music at the end of the show and ended it around 9:40am (Master Tape Theatre Time).
Howard also read an article about a 9 year old kid who's mother died and he didn't tell anyone about it because he was afraid that he'd be sent to an orphanage. The mother died and the kid just covered her up with newspapers and let her rot away. He kept going to school and did his homework. People eventually needed to speak to his mother and they found her dead. The kid will now live with his grandparents.
John also got a quick interview with Molly Shannon from Saturday Night Live. She told John that she loves Howard. He asked her how often she masturbates. She told him she does it quite often. She kept telling John how much she loves Howard through the few short questions.
John tried to get an interview with NBC weatherman Al Roker but Al just told John he had to keep moving and walked right by him.
Howard also wanted to play the ''Who Wants To Be A Turkish Millionaire'' game with Kim. He asked her 5 questions and he was allowed to use one lifeline who was Howard's favorite Penthouse Pet, Amy Lynn. Here are the questions:
After the game Dr. Calabro called in and told Howard that he took out a gallon of fat from Kim's ass. He also said she gave him a chair dance as a thank-you for his work. Howard asked Kim if she sucked anything out of Dr. Calabro. Of course she didn't.
While they were talking about that fat Benjy came in and said that he finds Alice very sexy. He said he pictured her different.. with rollers in her hair. But today she was turning him on. Howard asked Alice if she'd like to kiss Benjy and she did. She got on his lap and Benjy just about raped her. Howard said he went nuts and kissed her all over the face and neck. Howard was laughing hysterically and had to call him off. He said he could see that Benjy was aroused. She had lipstick all over her face and neck so she got a little upset about that. She gave Benjy a friendly hit over that.
Hank the dwarf was also at the station so Howard had him come in also. The two of them made a great team. Hank was all drunk on vodka already so he couldn't even get on the couch. Howard thought that Alice wanted to yell at Hank but she didn't. She was just reminded of her mother who used to drink a lot. Howard spoke to Hank a little bit and eventually took some phone calls. The callers would call Alice names and she'd go nuts yelling at them. Even Hank joined in the fun and stood up for Alice a couple of times. Howard let Alice go off on a bunch of guys but she was going really crazy by the end of the segment. He had to cut her off at one point because she was calling the caller a ''nig*er'' over and over again. Meanwhile, Hank had a new calendar to plug. He's got his own year 2000 calendar with 12 pictures of him filling it up. You can find out more about that at HankTheDwarf.com
Courtney had some stuff to get off her chest this morning. She said that Dave Grohl, of the Foo Fighters, is releasing another song that's supposed to be about her called ''Stacked Actors'' (great song by the way). She decided to drop a bombshell on Dave this morning. She said that when he was in Nirvana with her husband Kurt Cobain, Kurt actually hated him for the last couple of years. She said that Dave turned his back on Kurt when he was having drug problems and it really upset Kurt. She said Kurt really liked him the first year or so but it soon turned sour and Kurt came to hate Dave. She said she's been keeping this quiet for 5 years but since Dave keeps writing songs about her she decided to let it out. She was going off on the guy and was about to say something but Samantha stopped her. Courtney then said she needed to stop it there because she didn't want to offend someone else they're close with. Howard told her she should just get it all out but she didn't go any farther. She later added that Kurt made some diary entry mentioning how upset he was that his drummer had turned his back on him.
Courtney also spoke to Howard about the new ''Man on the Moon'' movie in which she plays Andy Kauffman's girlfriend. She said that the director, Milosh Forman, really likes Howard and the movie is very similar in feel to ''Private Parts.'' She said Jim Carrey was a really great guy to work with but she had a problem with him playing Alannis Morrisette music in his trailer. That's the one that she can't stand and she actually had to walk out of a trailer for two hours because of it.
Howard got back to talking about bass players and he had tape of David Bowie performing at his birthday show 2 years ago. He played it for Courtney so she could hear his bass player. They finally found out her name also. That was one of the big questions.
Before Courtney left Howard played Hole's new single ''Be a Man.'' Howard played pretty much the whole song and it sounded pretty good. Courtney gave out a web site where you can find out more about her song: Brookelyn.com/BeAMan. The single will be on the soundtrack for the Oliver Stone movie ''On Any Given Sunday.''
Courtney came back later in the show because the movie people told her she didn't promote ''Man on the Moon'' enough. Howard and Courtney went on and spoke about Andy Kauffman for a few minutes and plugged the movie some more. Howard and Robin mentioned some of Andy's bits that they enjoyed. Courtney also told Howard to give her a call about doing his TV show. She apparently gave him her home number that goes into her bedroom, not her agent's number. She said that only about 7 people have gotten that number. Howard will probably never call her though. Courtney also flashed Howard during the previous commercial break. She thought the cameras were off. She didn't know they were robotic. She freaked out when she found out. She got really embarrassed and asked Howard not to use it on the air. Howard said she looked great. The guys at E! had it on tape so they played it for Howard to check out in slow motion. She jokingly told Howard that he ruined her life. Howard got a hug from her before she left. She was still embarrassed by the flashing thing.
Howard got Mike Walker on the phone and Mike told Howard that he was lying in bed just getting off on thinking about the Sexy Suzanne Somers. He said that she's very hot. Howard soon got Mike to play his game. Each week Mike calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
Howard spent the rest of the interview talking to Suzanne about her new book. Howard said it's an easy read. Suzanne said that it's basically her philosophy of life. Howard read a couple of days worth of Suzanne's thoughts on how to make your life better. It's stuff like just saying you're sorry to someone you've fought with and maybe saying that you understand their point. Howard would also throw in some questions for Suzanne like ''How many times do you have sex with Alan?'' just to break up the interview. Suzanne said she has sex quite a bit with her husband. She also admitted that she's going through menopause but it's a great time in her life. Howard also spent a couple of minutes talking about ''Candid Camera.'' Suzanne is the co-host on that show with Peter Funt, or as Howard called him, Alan Funt Jr.
Howard spent the extra time taking a bunch of phone calls from listeners. There were some wacky calls today. Most of the calls just pissed Howard off but there was one woman who sang Howard a song parody to the tune of the ''Beverly Hillbillies'' theme song. It was about Howard of course. Howard seemed to get a kick out of it though. One guy bragged that he taped Howard running around Central Park with some woman. Howard told him that's not that big of a deal because he runs with a lot of different women and men. Another caller told Howard that he saw Pat Cooper bad mouthing him in a deli in Little Italy. Howard didn't seem to care one way or the other. Howard finished up the calls and went to news after a commercial break.