Howard Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 9/13/99 to 9/17/99

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-- Monday September 13, 1999 --
• After The MTV Video Music Awards. 9/13/99. 6:10am
  Howard spent some time talking about what happened after they taped their show from the MTV Video Music Awards last week. During the show he said he wouldn't go to any of the after-parties but he did end up going to one. He went to Tommy Mitola's ''private'' party which turned out to be anything but private. He said there were reporters all over the place. Howard said he met a couple of celebrities but only stuck around for about 20 minute. Gary and Ralph were with him also. He said that Ronnie the limo driver has somehow become Howard's body guard and he was hanging around with him too. Howard also talked about how they blew off Jay Mohr at during the taping of their show on Thursday night. Howard thinks that no one knows who he is but thinks he's a really funny guy. He's got a new show coming up on FOX and Howard said it looks good but he didn't think Jay would make a good radio guest. Howard also heard that Stuttering John somehow managed to yell out some questions to the Backstreet Boys but the tape wasn't ready for Howard to play this morning. That led to Howard going a little nuts about how Scott the Engineer didn't do anything with the tape over the weekend. Stuttering John had to share some of the blame because he gave the tape to Scott and not to Gary. Scott ended up walking out of the studio and even the building but he soon returned. He was yelling about how he's not allowed to work overtime because the company is so cheap. John said he got kicked out of the room and Benjy also got kicked out when he tried to continue where John left off. Then Howard said that Robin Radzinski from E! got kicked out of another party when she tried to sneak Doug Goodstein in. She came in and explained how Doug wasn't allowed into the party so she snuck him around a back entrance. A security guard saw it happen and ended up tackling Radzinski, lifting her off her feet. Mike Gange saw it happen so he tried tackling the body guard because of the way he was handling her. They were all quickly removed from the party.

• Ex-Intern Smelly James Has Died. 9/13/99.
  Melrose Larry Green called in with some tape for Howard to listen to this morning. He had a mention of Howard on Entertainment Tonight and something about how an old intern of Howard's, Smelly James, died. When Melrose told Howard about how James had died Howard hit the delay and said he didn't want to put that on the air. So Howard just said that they'll say that Smelly James died and leave it at that. Gary came in a short time later to bad mouth James. He told Howard how James really wasn't a nice guy. Howard didn't think he was that bad of a guy but Gary told him some things he didn't know about. Melrose didn't think it was right for Gary to bad mouth a dead guy but Gary didn't care. Just because the guy's dead doesn't change the way he was when he was alive.

• Thomas' Sister On Penthouse Cover. 9/13/99. 7:45am
  This guy Thomas called in last week to tell Howard how he was surprised to see his sister Devinn on the cover of the latest Penthouse Magazine. This morning they both came in to talk to Howard. It turns out that they're both adopted so they're not biological siblings. As soon as Devinn walked in Howard said ''Wow! What a rack!'' Tom was high and wearing a t-shirt with a marijuana leaf on the front. It didn't take long for Devinn to whip her top off to show Howard her breasts. Howard said they looked very natural and he couldn't tell if they were implants or not. She moved around so Howard could see them from all angles and he said he thought they were real. Robin said that if they're implants they're amazing. Devinn said that they are implants but she didn't say who her doctor was. Howard said they're the best implants he's ever seen. Devinn and Thomas were adopted by a Pentecostal minister who used to whip their butts with a big belt when they did something wrong. Howard said that's the best way to raise a stripper. Tom also said that he's gay. Howard said that's probably also because of the ass beatings. Devinn told Howard how if she did something wrong her dad would send her to his bedroom, close the door and slowly pull out his 3 inch wide belt. Then he'd beat her ass so hard she'd wet her pants. By the age of 16 Devinn was pregnant. She also told Howard that she was molested by a girl when she was 7 or 8 and she was raped at the age of 12 by a teenage boy. Before Devinn left she told Howard she wants to roller skate topless somewhere in New York. Howard suggested doing it in Central Park but Robin didn't think that was a good idea. Devinn said she did it on the boardwalk in Venice, California and didn't have a problem. They didn't come to a conclusion with that idea though. Devinn plugged her web site and showed Howard her ass before she left. You can check her out at Devinn.com

• New Jersey Governor Christie Whitman Calls In. 9/13/99. 8:10am
  New Jersey Governor Christie Whitman called in to talk to Howard about why she's decided not to run for Senate. Whitman basically said she enjoys her job as Governor and she doesn't want to leave that to run for a Senate seat. Howard told her that he wants to see her in public office after she's done being Governor. Whitman has two more years to serve as Governor then she'll decide what she wants to do. She asked Howard about why he was almost kicked out of the MTV awards last week. Howard explained to her how he had yelled at Ricky Martin with his megaphone and that the MTV people were a little upset. Shortly after that Howard moved on to other things.

• Stuttering John Questions The Backstreet Boys. 9/13/99. 8:45am
  Howard finally got a hold of the tape where Stuttering John got backstage at MTV and questioned the Backstreet Boys. John wasn't supposed to be there but he managed to yell out a bunch of questions before getting kicked out. Here are a few of the questions he yelled out:
  • Have you ever had a gay sex fantasy?
  • How often do you masturbate?
  • What makes you guys so special?
  • Would you commit a homosexual act for a million dollars?
  • Have you ever been attracted to another man?
  After the second question someone was already trying to kick John out. John slowly started to pick up his things and yelled out a few more questions before being removed.

• Gary Garver Celebrity Interviews. 9/13/99. 8:50am
  Howard's Los Angeles reporter Gary Garver went to the Emmy awards yesterday and got a few celebrity interviews. The first interview Howard played was Gena Lee Nolin. She knew where Gary was from so she didn't have a problem with any of the questions. Howard said that once they know where Gary is from it's no fun. If they don't freak out after the first question then Gary should move on. Up next was Regis Philbin. Gary asked him what he'd be doing if he wasn't in show business. Regis said he'd be running a hotel or something like that. Gary then asked him what he thinks of Howard. Regis yelled out that he loves him as he walked away. Gary then got Courtney Cox(or Cock as Howard says) and her husband David Arquette. Both of them claimed to be fans also so they didn't have any problem with the questions Gary was asking like:
  • Have you ever had a drinking problem?
  • Would you commit a homosexual act for a million dollars?
  • Is penis size important?
  • Have you ever slept with a black guy?
  • Do you allow yourself to be photographed while on your period?
  Once again Howard said it's no fun when they know where the questions are coming from. Courtney did say that penis size is important to her though. She's never slept with a black guy. When Gary asked David how many dates it takes before he introduces anal sex, he said that they never do that. David said ''..some places are used as an exit only..'' Kelsey Grammar was the next interview for Gary. After the first question Kelsey's wife Camille told him that Gary is from Howard's show so he played along. Kelsey said that he likes Howard after a few questions. Gary then moved on to singer/actress Brandi. Gary asked her what she thinks of Howard. She said that she thinks Howard is ''the most honest person in the whole wide world..'' Then Gary asked her if she's ever had a lesbian experience and her people freaked out and yanked her away from him. The final interview was with Peter Fonda. Gary asked him if he's ever used Prozac or smoked marijuana. He said no to Prozac and yes to marijuana. He then asked him how often he masturbates. Fonda said that his penis is so long that it runs down his leg and whenever he walks it's like masturbating.. Then he walked away.

• Howard's Massage Day. 9/13/99. 9:45am
  Stuttering John was in the studio talking to Howard about this mosquito scare that's going on in New York. Howard was saying that he's not letting it affect him. He was outside all yesterday with his dogs and kids. Then he said that he got a massage outside. Apparently his wife had arranged to get massages for herself and the three kids! Howard got upset that he pays for all of this stuff so his wife said that he could go first. Howard got his massage then his three daughters all got massaged. Even his 6 year old got one! Howard said Alison got upset because she didn't get her massage until about 7pm. He said she was shooting him dirty looks all night because he took a turn at the massage table. Robin told Howard that he should start writing all of this stuff down because it would make a good comedy show. Everyone then got back to talking about mosquitos. Stuttering John said that Jackie's wife actually killed a mosquito and kept it so she could call the hospital to find out if they were at risk of getting this encephalitis that's been plaguing New York City for the past few weeks. Howard thought that was pretty funny. John said he's been wrapping up his young daughter like a mummy so that she doesn't get bitten. He said he dressed her in a long sleeve shirt and sprayed her with bug spray to protect her from bites.

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  -- Tuesday September 14, 1999 --

• Howard Plays The Scoldees Music. 9/14/99. 6:40am
  Howard was given a copy of Jackie's wife's new album this morning. Nancy's band is called ''The Scoldees'' for some unknown reason. Howard told Jackie that he wanted to play a little bit of the album but Jackie didn't know if Nancy would want that or not. Howard played a tiny bit of it anyway. Meanwhile, in the back office, Stuttering John was calling and waking up Nancy to put her on the air. Howard put her on and she said it was fine to play some of the music. Howard didn't goof on the music too much but he did confront Nancy about how she uses Jackie's money to support her music career. That led to a long discussion about exactly what Nancy does to earn her money. Howard wanted to know how much of Jackie's money she thinks she's entitled to. She told Howard that she manages Jackie's mail order business, JokeLand. She told Howard that she works harder than him because she works 18 hours a day. Right now she's working on the latest JokeLand catalog. She even went as far as to say that Jackie has it easy working on Howard's show. Howard asked her what she'll do if he goes off the air and Jackie gets fired. Nancy said that she'd continue to run the JokeLand mail order business. Howard told her that if he's not on the air then nobody will care about Jackie anymore so how could JokeLand survive. She seems to think it will go on because she was running it before Howard hired Jackie. Nancy got pretty upset with Howard and gave up on arguing with him. Howard later played little clips of Nancy's music. The album will be available on November 1.

• Mom And Two Daughters Get Topless. 9/14/99. 8:05am
  An ex-Playboy Playmate came in this morning with her mother, Olga, and sister, Tatiana. She brought them in to get topless for Howard so she could plug her web site PlanetVictoria.com. Victoria was on the show about 3 years ago but I was unable to find any mention of her in my archives. At the time Howard told her that her marriage to an older lawyer wouldn't work out. He was right. Howard reviewed some of what they learned when she was on the show originally. She was brought to the United States by a family and was molested by the father of the family. She said the molestation went on for about 8 months but she didn't pursue any charges because she just wanted to move on with her life. Howard also spoke to Victoria's mother Olga for a few minutes. She told Howard that she's married ''part-time.'' Apparently she and the guy get together on weekends and live separately during the week. Victoria said that her 53 year old mother was very comfortable taking her top off for Howard. She said that it's like art to her. Mom was first to take her top off since she was so comfortable with it. Howard was surprised at how good her breasts looked for a 53 year old. He said they were very nice. Victoria pointed out that they're nice and round even after raising 2 daughters and breast feeding them. Next to take her top off was Victoria. Howard was very impressed with her breasts. He called them perfect. Victoria asked that Howard play some music while she did it and it turns out that it was her boyfriends band Tyris. He played about 10 seconds of the music before turning down so you couldn't hear it anyway. Last but not least was Tatiana. Victoria said that mom has the biggest breasts, she's next and Tatiana has the smallest but they're nice. Howard agreed when he saw them. He said they were small but were perfectly shaped. After seeing all 3 sets of breasts Howard gave Victoria a plug for her web site. Victoria said that all three of them are topless on the site and it'll cost you $19.95 a month to see it all.

• Guy Who's Getting Breast Implants Comes In. 9/14/99. 8:40am
  Howard let this 32 year old guy Jim come in to talk about how he's planning on getting breast implants. Jim is a construction worker who's married with kids. He wants to play guitar for Metallica so he thinks that getting implants will get him noticed. He told Howard that he's not gay and that everyone around him is really excited for him. Even his wife is supporting this crazy idea. He said he wants to go to a full C-cup implant. The reason he came in was to give Howard a before and after look at his chest. Howard had him take off his shirt so he could show his flat chest. Howard said they're going to have to stretch his skin quite a bit to fit a large implant in there. KC came in at one point and just said to Jim ''What are you doing?'' The guy said he also has some movie projects in the works also. Howard asked him what they were but he said he wasn't sure and that his agent would know. Howard only gave this guy about 5 minutes since he had Carol Alt waiting to come in. You can find out more about Jim at JimTheBoobGuy.com

• Actress Carol Alt Comes In. 9/14/99. 8:50am
  Model/Actress Carol Alt came in to be badgered by Fred once again this morning. Every time Carol has done the show Fred has yelled and screamed about how Carol is not a ''Supermodel.'' Howard pointed out that this is the only guest Fred ever speaks out about and he doesn't know why. Fred wouldn't shut up today. He was constantly complaining and pointing out things about Carol that were pointless. Howard old Carol how great she looked this morning and he had Fred look at her to see just how good she was looking. When Fred took a look he said she looked a little ''..thick in the midriff..'' All Carol wanted to do was plug her new TV show ''Peter Benchley's Amazon'' which starts the weekend of September 25. Fred kept bringing up stuff he found on her web site but she didn't know what he was talking about. He said she's selling signed pictures of herself for $5.99 a pop but she had no clue. Carol said that she does have a web site at CarolAlt.net but she's never even seen it herself. There was a lot of confusion about which web site Fred found his info from because there is also a CarolAlt.com but Carol said that's not her official site but she allowed someone to create one using her name or some crap like that. Howard took a bunch of calls from listeners and most of them think Fred is crazy although there were a couple who agreed with him. Howard moved on to other things and brought up Carol's new boyfriend. He's hockey player Alexai Yashin who plays for the Ottowa Senators. Howard spoke to her about that for a couple of minutes then found out that Alexai is holding out for more money and not playing for the team. He's under contract but he's hiding out in Zurich, Switzerland while he waits for the team to pay him more. That led to Tom Chiusano coming in and arguing with Carol about how wrong it is for him to not honor his contract. Actually pretty much everyone agreed that Alexai is doing wrong. After a half hour of arguments from Tom and Fred the interview was pretty much over. Carol told Howard that ''Amazon'' will be a dark dramatic show about some plane crash survivors in the Amazon. She said it won't be like ''Gilligan's Island'' and she won't be wearing anything sexy although her co-star will. Check your local listings for airtime. Fred jokingly said it'll probably air at 3am in the New York area.

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  -- Wednesday September 15, 1999 --

• Howard Talks To Orlando Program Director About Weather Reports. 9/15/99. 6:35am
  Howard was taking calls this morning when he got a complaint from an Orlando listener. The guy said that WTKS in Orlando was running constant hurricane updates instead of playing Howard's show. Howard then had Gary get someone from the station on the phone so he could explain to they why that's a ridiculous idea. The Program Director from WTKS got on the phone and Howard tried to explain to her that there are plenty of other news stations reporting on the hurricane down there and they shouldn't interrupt Howard's show with the same info all morning. Gary came in and said that some people might want some entertainment and they'd tune in to Howard for that. After a few minutes of this Howard could tell that the woman didn't get the concept because she kept saying that they're going to keep playing the updates.

• Hank The Dwarf Calls in. 9/15/99. 6:58am
  Hank the angry, drunken dwarf called in to plug his movie ''Shoe Shine Boys'' this morning. He was only on the phone for about a minute. He gave out a phone number and his web site HankTheDwarf.com.. I think the movie is making it's premiere in the near future.

• Death Pool Update. 9/15/99. 7:00am
  This morning Howard and the gang had a discussion about the Death Pool they started over a year ago. Jackie just won the pool after Alan Funt died but Howard decided to keep the pool running. Howard had decided that they'd keep the same names and just continue it until another person dies. Well, Gary has a problem with that and doesn't want to play anymore. He backed out of the game but his partner Tom Chiusano is staying in. Gary was afraid that since he sold Walter Mattheau to Howard that he'd be responsible for paying his partner for the money he loses if Mattheau dies. There was a lot of confusion about how that would have worked but it turns out that Gary would have owed Tom about $1750 if Mattheau died. It was a mess but, to sum it all up, Gary is out and Tom is in.

• Howard Plays Some Barry Williams Songs. 9/15/99. 7:20am
  Howard mentioned that Barry Williams, who played Greg Brady on ''The Brady Bunch'', will be coming on the show in a couple of weeks. He's coming on to promote his new album ''The Return of Johnny Bravo'' and Howard had some clips of it to play this morning. The songs are a bizarre mix of hits from the 60's, 70's and 80's. Howard said it's basically like Karaoke because the musical arrangements are exactly the same as the original songs. The only difference is that Greg Brady is singing them. He played some clips of his covers of a Queen song, a Lionel Ritchie song and The Turtles song among others. Howard later learned that Ann Marie, one of the office workers there, is a huge fan of Barry's. She said she'd like to sing with Barry when he comes in so that will probably happen. They told her they want her to dress in something sexy when she does it.

• Retired State Trooper Larry Patterson Comes In. 9/15/99. 8:00am
  Retired State Trooper Larry Patterson was one of the 11 troopers assigned to Bill Clinton when he was Governor of Arkansas. He came in to promote his audio tape ''More Than Sex; Secrets of Bill and Hillary Clinton Revealed.'' Howard found out a little bit about Larry before listening to his stories. Larry was a cop for 32 years and 7 of those years were spent protecting Governor Clinton. He had a lot of stories about Governor Clinton and his many sexual encounters to tell. Howard spent about a half hour taking in all of the fascinating stories about how Clinton would pick women out of a crowd and have Larry pick them up for him. Larry said he felt like a pimp when Clinton had him doing this stuff. Over the years he said he did that for Clinton about 25-30 times and he never got a refusal. Howard asked about what he saw sexually going on between Bill and Hillary. Larry said that he once overheard Hillary telling Bill that she needed sex from him more than twice a year so they weren't doing it very much. That was way back in 1988-89 according to Larry. He also said that Clinton would go out for a ''jog'' and an hour or so later he'd call him to come pick him up at McDonalds. When he'd pick him up there wouldn't be a drop of sweat on him and he'd have lipstick and makeup on his clothes and skin so they'd have to clean him up. There was another time that Larry brought Clinton to the parking lot of a school where Clinton met some woman. Clinton had Larry block off the lot so no one could interrupt them. Larry had a bunch of stories including one about Hillary and Vince Foster. He said he saw Foster palm Hillary's breasts and grab her ass one time so he believes that the two of them had an affair. Howard took a few phone calls and a couple of people don't believe that Larry is telling the truth. Howard said that he's said all of this stuff and hasn't been sued so there must be some truth to them. Larry has even been threatened about putting this stuff out. You can get Larry's audio tapes from NewsMax.com or by calling 1-877-NEWSMAX.

• Female Burping Contest. 9/15/99. 8:45am
  Two women came in this morning to have a burping contest. Each one of them wanted a different prize. Danielle wanted breast implants and Tay wanted her boyfriend's CD to get played on the air. Originally Howard thought that Tay wanted to win a CD player but that was confusion between him and KC. Howard said it was KC's fault but KC had no clue about what Howard was talking about. Howard spoke to 5'2'' 103 pound Danielle for a couple of minutes and thought she had some nice sized breasts until she pulled out the falsies that were in her bra. She said she has less than an A-cup. Howard said Tay was also cute. Howard then moved on and had each one burp three separate times. Danielle went first and came out with a pretty good one. Tay's wasn't quite as good as Danielle's first one. The other two burps from each of them were pretty lame. Everyone agreed that Danielle's was the best but not by much. So Howard had Dr. Sal Calabro's personal secretary on the phone to confirm that they would be providing the implants free of charge. Danielle continued to belch after she found out she won the prize. She didn't want to show anyone her tiny breasts though. She wouldn't even show Howard her ass. What a way to thank Howard for the free implants.

• Stephen Baldwin Calls In. 9/15/99. 8:55am
  Actor Stephen Baldwin called in to get some free plugs in once again this morning. Howard is getting sick of letting him do this so he told him he has to come in and let them put mayonnaise on his ass and throw baloney at it. Stephen thought Howard was joking of course. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Stephen about how he saw him at a party after the MTV Video Music Awards the other night. Stephen wanted Howard to go for a ride in his Porsche but Howard didn't do it. Stephen kept asking Howard when he's going to eat at his restaurant Aliah throughout the whole phone call. Howard said he'd call Stephen when he wants to hook up with him. Eventually Stephen got around to giving out his boring plugs. His mother's cancer charity is having some kind of Gala on Friday October 8 at the Manhattan Marriott Marquis and a car raffle for one of Billy Joel's antique cars. They're also having a motorcycle ''Ride for Life'' on Sunday October 10 in New York City and you can find out about all of that stuff by calling 1-877-769-CURE.

• Mark Harris Comes In. 9/15/99. 9:20am
  The always annoying Mark Harris, who was married to Martha Raye for 3 years, came in this morning. Gary recently read the book ''Take It from the Big Mouth : The Life of Martha Raye'' and thought it would be interesting to ask Mark about some of things that are said about him in the book. Gary had a bunch of questions for Mark and he denied most of the stuff that was said about him in the book. In the book they claim that Mark only knew Martha for 9 days before they got married but he claimed that it was 21 days.. big difference. There were a lot of other things in there that Mark denied but it was all nonsense. Mark managed to plug some appearances he's making next month. He's doing some kind of tribute to Martha Raye at the L.A. Cabaret on October 9. Mark also said you can e-mail him at HarrisSite@aol.com and his web site MarkHarris.com will be up in January of 2000.

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  -- Thursday September 16, 1999 --

• Gary's Phony Phone Call To D.L. Hughley. 9/16/99. 6:10am
  First thing this morning Howard said he had the funniest phony phone call to play. This comedian D.L. Hughley, who has his own show on ABC, wanted to come on Howard's show. Howard and the gang tried to think of something fun to do with him and they came up with the idea to have Gary pre-interview him. No big deal right? Well the twist was that Gary would be speaking in Ebonics. Howard figured Hughley would know Gary was goofing on him right away but the guy knew exactly what Gary was saying and he answered every question. After the call Gary called Hughley's publicist and they said that Hughley didn't have any idea Gary was a goof. He thought that all white guys in New York spoke like that. Howard loved the call so much that he'd played it twice before 6:30 this morning. The call best when heard live. It would be hard to describe it all here but here are a few highlights:
  • Gary starts off the call by saying ''Yo, Yo, Yo, D.L. Hughley on da phone''
  • Gary tells Hughley that he ''copped a copy'' of his CD and thought it was ''dope'' and ''blazin''
  • Gary told Hughley he that they like to ''keep it real'' during the show
  • Gary asked if Hughley had any ''shortys(kids)''
  • Gary asked if he'd ever slept with ''chicken heads or pigeons(ugly chicks)''
  • Gary asked Hughley if he ''hits da buddah(weed)'' or smokes ''trees''
  • Gary says ''I'd be honored if you called me your nigga''
  Howard took some phone calls from listeners who thought the call was pretty funny. Howard learned his Ebonics from an audio tape he's played on the air a few times. You can get your own copy by calling 1-800-247-3747.

• Howard's 'Doomsday' Cartoon To Air On UPN. 9/16/99. 6:40am
  Howard read an article about the cartoon he's producing for network TV. ''Doomsday'' is set to air on UPN in the fall of 2000. The article was just an announcement about the show airing on the network. This was a big announcement for Howard's production company. UPN has committed to 13 episodes and they loved the concept. Howard said the best part of the deals he makes in Hollywood is when he sees the announcement in the newspaper. All of the hard work is just for that but Howard wasn't that thrilled with the press release that went out. Howard said he was too busy working on the show to work on the press release.

• High Pitch Eric Calls In. 9/16/99. 7:05am
  The always strange High Pitch Eric called in this morning. Yesterday Howard mentioned that Eric wanted to get on the show and he'd be willing to do anything. He'd even eat a piece of chocolate out of Benjy's ass. Howard spoke to him this morning on the phone and Eric is still up for anything but Benjy won't do it. Howard then ended up talking to Eric about picking up women on America Online. Eric claims that he's picked up a couple of women that way but they always break up with him after a short period of time. He told Howard that one woman claimed to be 20 but she turned out to be 60! He didn't sleep with her because she said he was too young for her. So right now this is as close as Eric is going to get to the show. Howard told Benjy that if he does let Eric eat chocolate out of his ass then he can go to Scores the next time they go. Benjy thinks that's not right but he'd think about it.

• Where Are They Now: Prince Lazurus. 9/16/99. 7:25am
  Howard has a new segment called ''Where Are They Now'' where we can learn about past guests and what's happened since they were on last. Today we learned that this guy who was trying to start up his own country, New Utopia, is still in the same place he was back in February. Howard spent about 3 minutes with the guy to learn very little other than the fact that Lazurus was investigated by the FCC after his last appearance. He's still trying to get the country started but it's not coming along very quickly. Lazurus is 68 now so he needs to hurry up and get this thing going. To find out more head to New-Utopia.com.

• Captain Janks Phony Phone Call. 9/16/99. 7:30am
  During every major catastrophe in the United States we can count on Captain Janks making a phoney phone call. Janks called in with his latest crank call this morning. He was inspired to call CNN during the hurricane Floyd coverage. There was a tug boat that sunk off the coast of Florida and the USS Kennedy aircraft carrier was the rescuing ship so Janks called in as Admiral Mike Johnson. He told the CNN host that the crew of the tug had been rescued and they were safe. Then they asked him why the boat had gone down. Janks told them that ''Howard Stern told them to do it..'' and you hear the crew at CNN go ''Ohhhhhhhh'' like they'd just seen their favorite team lose a football game. You can probably hear the call over at Janks' web site CaptainJanks.com.

• Dick Clark Calls In. 9/16/99. 7:35am
  Young-looking-old-guy Dick Clark called in to promote some new contest that Phillips is running. Howard took the call but Dick's phone sounded really horrible. Howard had to take a break while Dick got on a different phone. When he got back on Howard asked Dick if he consumes human infants to stay so young looking. Dick takes those questions pretty well and he didn't deny what Howard asked. Howard hounded him about that for a little bit then told Dick that they should merge their production companies. Howard told Dick about his two new TV shows, ''Son of the Beach'' and ''Doomsday'', and Dick sounded pretty impressed. Dick has a lot more going on but he's a lot older than Howard. Howard thinks Dick must have made a deal with Satan to have all of those deals going on and still look so young. Dick just wanted to plug the web site that he was plugging. He said that there's a contest where you pick your favorite songs and you can win something. Just head to Tunes.com to check it out for yourself. Howard also tried to find out how much Dick is worth but he wasn't talking. He told Howard that most of his money will be given away and some of it will go to his 3 kids. He doesn't want to give it all to them because he doesn't want them to become lazy.

• Mr. Jay's Phony Phone Call. 9/16/99. 8:00am
  Hurricane Floyd has inspired a couple of calls this week. This guy who called himself Mr. Jay(Mr. J?) called Howard with his call to a morning show. He called in as an evacuee from Virginia and made some references to his wife Jackie and his missing cat Timmy. Then he told the female host that Howard wanted to have hot sex with her. One of the hosts didn't get that it was a phony call. The female host had to explain that it was a joke and that the guy wasn't really an evacuee.

• Sisters Kim And Julie Make Out. 9/16/99. 8:20am
  Sisters and strippers Kim and Julie came in this morning to tell Howard how they have sex with each other. That's right, sisters who have sex with each other. They explained to Howard how they grew up in a wacky family where their father was a professional car thief and fugitive. The older sister, Kim, was sent away for a few years to calm her down because she was kind of a wild child. She said when she came back she was 19 and her sister was 14. They slept in the same bed and they started doing stuff to each other over time. They started out just tickling each other's backs but it eventually led to lesbian sex. They said that they've done everything to each other and they still get together every 6 months or so even though one is married and the other is divorced. Their mates don't seem to mind it. After learning all of this stuff Howard had the two of them demonstrate by kissing each other. That led to them taking their tops off and one of them was down to her g-string panties. Then one of them spanked the other with a paddle. Howard said her ass was bright red and the sister was whacking her really hard. One sister said the main reason she came down was to beg for breast implants. Howard had the other sister whack her ass while she begged for the implants. After that Howard had them put Robin's Yogurt on the red ass. The sister then ate it off her ass. Howard said that if Dr. Sal Calabro is up to it he'll let her get the implants. The other sister said she doesn't want them but she'll enjoy them on her sister. Howard said this was really ''bizarre but hot'' seeing these two getting it on. The girls strip at Sugar and Spice and The Ballpark Tavern in Pennsylvania if you want to check them out. Later in the show Dr. Calabro called in and said he'd be happy to give away the implants to the sister who wanted them.

• Joan Rivers Comes In. 9/16/99. 9:00am
  Howard had comedian Joan Rivers come in this morning to ask her about Janine Garafolo bad mouthing her. Howard spent a few minutes talking about Joan's plastic surgery. Joan said that she goes to the plastic surgeon every 2 years and asks what can be done. This year the doctor said they shouldn't do anything. Howard soon brought up Janine Garafolo. Joan said that she made some comments about Janine dressing like a ''pig'' about 5 years ago and Janine hasn't forgotten about it since. Janine goes around complaining about what Joan and her daughter Melissa do on E! when they do a fashion review. Joan said she doesn't really care what Janine says about her and thinks that she was just telling the truth when she reviewed Janine's outfit years ago. Howard moved on to Alan Funt who Joan also disliked. She bad mouthed him in a book of hers and Funt tried to sue her. She said that she gave in to him and removed some stuff from the paperback version of the book so that he wouldn't hold up publication. Joan managed to get a plug in for some appearances she's making on QVC to sell some of her jewelry. She'll be on tonight and next weekend to sell her stuff.

  ---

  -- Friday September 17, 1999 --

• New TV Show Idea From Howard. 9/17/99. 6:25am
  Before female body builder/wrestler Nicole Bass came in this morning Howard was talking about an article he'd read about her. She's suing the WWF for sexual harassment and that got Howard thinking..Who would want to harass Nicole? He started out talking about a funny bit they could do where someone would drill a hole in a bathroom wall to peep into the women's room. When they finally see in there they'd see Nicole and freak out. Their hair would stand on end and they'd leave the bathroom so fast they'd bust right through the door. That led to Howard thinking of putting Nicole in a ''Munsters'' sitcom where she would be like Herman Munster. He went on and on thinking of different things that could happen and who could star in the show. Hank the dwarf could play little Eddie and Jackie could play Marilyn, the good looking family member. Beetlejuice the dwarf could play the butler and Gary the retard could play the dragon under the stairs. Fred was doing his Herman Munster impression and Howard told him he could do the voice-overs for Nicole although she has a pretty deep voice herself. Howard was cracking himself up with the whole idea. The brainstorming went on for quite a while and Howard sounded like he really wants to put this together.

• Captain Janks' Two Phony Phone Calls. 9/17/99. 7:00am
  Captain Janks struck again with two more phony phone calls yesterday. He called two local TV stations in Pennsylvania. In the first call he called up as an airline representative who gave out the information on flight delays. He told the anchor that the flights would be delayed until everyone watches Howard's TV show. The second call was about evacuations and getting away from Baba Booey's breath. Head over to CaptainJanks.com to find out more.

• The Gossip Game With Nicole Bass. 9/17/99. 7:05am
  Nicole Bass came in to talk about her sexual harassment lawsuit this morning but first Howard had her play the Mike Walker gossip game. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
  1. Christina Applegate is going to become a minister of some wacky church.
  2. Ed Begley Jr. Has purchased a heard of sheep to ''naturally'' mow his lawn.
  3. Janet Jackson has spent a lot of money ''baby-proofing'' her home for her new pet dog Fluffy.
  4. When Richard Dreyfus asked a waiter to remove the meat from his lobster the waiter asked if he'd like him to feed him also. Dreyfus complained but the waiter wasn't fired. He didn't receive a tip though.
  Robin, Nicole and Jackie all picked number 2 as the false story. Howard picked number 1 and Fred picked number 3. The actual false story was number two.

  After the game Howard spent some time talking to Nicole about her $120 Million lawsuit against the WWF(World Wrestling Federation). Nicole explained how an employee of the WWF grabbed her breasts while she was on an airline flight. Howard was amazed that anyone would dare touch a 6'2'' tall, 225 pound woman like that. Nicole said she slugged the guy but didn't knock him out or anything like that. She said the guy threatened her so she kept her mouth shut about it while she was still working for the WWF. She said she had to watch her back the whole time she was wrestling because she was afraid this guy would do something to her. She also said that she had a problem with being hit with a real guitar when it was supposed to be a gimmick guitar. There's a lot more in her lawsuit but she wasn't bringing it all up today. Howard also discussed the sitcom he was thinking about earlier in the morning. Nicole seemed like she'd be into it.

• Heather Locklear Comes In. 9/17/99. 7:55am
  Actress Heather Locklear came in to plug the TV show ''Spin City'' because she's now a cast member. She'll be working opposite Michael J. Fox. Howard asked Heather why Fox won't do his show but she wasn't sure. Howard pointed out that Heather was wearing the right outfit today.. a belly shirt. Heather said it's not called a ''belly shirt'', it's just a short shirt. Howard doesn't care what it's called, it showed off her flat stomach and that's all that mattered. The last time Howard saw Heather was at the Billboard Awards when he hopped on top of her after she presented him with an award. They spent a minute or so talking about that and how Howard didn't talk to Heather after the hilarious incident. Heather said he just walked off the stage and vanished like a big Hollywood star. Howard wondered out loud about how good Heather must be in bed because hear husband Richie Sambora could be banging tons of chicks. He said she must make love like an ugly woman. Howard had a bunch of notes from a biography about Heather called ''The Heather Locklear Story.'' A lot of what he had wasn't exactly true though. He'd bring stuff up and Heather would say that it wasn't correct. She did say that she had her first boyfriend when she was 15 and that's probably the age she first gave someone fellatio. Howard asked Heather if she is as perfect as she looks. Heather said she's not perfect but she's not going to point out the things that are wrong with her. She did say that she wishes her face were a little bit wider. She claims she's never had any plastic surgery and she looks that good. Howard also brought up the name Scott Baio once again. He's managed to screw Pamela Anderson, Natalie Raitano, Nicole Eggert and today we learned that he got Heather also! Robin asked if Scott is at the entrance to Hollywood just waiting for women. Most of the women claim that Scott wasn't nice to them but Heather had a different story. She said he was really nice. Howard also heard that she went out with Tom Cruise but she said that wasn't exactly true. She said they read a scene together and he came over to her house a couple of times but they didn't go any farther than that. ''Spin City'' starts it's new season with Heather next Tuesday night.

• Picking A Song For The Losers To Perform With Barry Williams. 9/17/99. 9:00am
  In about two weeks the guy who played Greg Brady on ''The Brady Bunch'', Barry Williams, will be coming in to promote his new album ''The Return of Johnny Bravo.'' Howard wants his band The Losers to perform a song with Barry so they played a couple of clips from the album to pick one out. Barry does a bunch of cover songs of hits from the 60's, 70's and 80's so Howard had a few choices. They narrowed it down to Queen's ''We Are The Champions'' or DeBarge's ''Rythm of the Night.'' Howard thinks that the Queen song would be the best one to do but they're keeping ''Rythm of the Night'' as an alternate. It sounds funny with steel drums and all. Howard said they'll do a rehearsal sometime next week. Get your earplugs ready!