Howard started off the show talking about watching Letterman the other night when Drew Barrymore was on. He said that she looks like she's gained a few pounds and it wasn't real complimentary to her face. He said she's really got to watch that because she's known for being good looking, not for being a great actress. He said that all of these people are running around with movie deals and stuff and he's not sure why that is.
Howard said Letterman did this ad-lib on the show that was pretty funny. He said there was this old man on the show who started to walk off in the middle of this commercial free show and Dave ran over and caught him to put him back in the chair saying that was the first time in the show's history that someone tried to make a break for it to get off the show.
Howard talked about how lame Drew Barrymore's interview was. She told a lame story about going on vacation and Dave wasn't able to work with her that well to make her entertaining. He said he's had the same problems with people like Bobcat Goldthwait. He said the guy thinks he's interesting but he's really not and he has to work with him to entertain his audience. He said guys like that need to get in touch with themselves and realize that they're not that interesting.
Howard said Dave did a bit that was pretty funny on the show last night where he went out on the street to interview people. He said he ended up playing Twister with a guy who had his shirt off and that was pretty funny. He said the show was good but not so much that Robin missed much of anything.
Howard took a call from a woman who brought up Howard's conversation about Tupac Shakur last week and made fun of him. Howard told her he wasn't making fun of him, he was making fun of some guy who uses a name similar to his. He told her she was dopey and possibly a retard. She said that Howard was talking about him but she doesn't remember what he said exactly. Howard said that's because he didn't say anything. He went off on her saying that she needs to fix her grammar because she sounds very stupid.
Howard told the caller to go get a life, go to night school and correct her grammar. She said she's a receptionist at a doctor's office so Howard made fun of the way she talks and said he'd never go to that doctor's office if she was working there. He hung up on her a short time later.
Howard said he sees all of these shows where people can't speak English. He knows he's not the best with his grammar but he has the basics down. He said she said ''You was talkin' about...'' when she was explaining something and he knows that she's not an immigrant, she grew up in this country.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Howard a couple of questions. He asked if he'd rather see OJ Simpson or Scott Ginsberg burn. He also asked if he thinks that Blacks are more inferior than other people. Howard said that he'd like to see Scott Ginsberg burn because he's in the middle of suing him and he's worse than OJ ever was. He also said that he doesn't believe that blacks are inferior. The caller kept going with his racist comments so Howard let him go.
Howard took another call from a guy who told Howard he should go commercial free sometime. Howard said that Tom Chiusano would have a heart attack if they did that. He also talked about how he hasn't been talking to Tom lately because he's impossible to work with. The caller was also talking about Imus and how he seems to be ripping him off these days. Howard said that's right because there's nothing original about that guy. He wondered what it must be like for these guys who want to be him. He said that everyone wants to be him except for himself.
Howard said he could hear radios turning off down there in West Palm Beach. He did an impression of some southern accent people calling in to complain about his show. Howard said he's not sure if they're set up to take phone calls from them down there. He said Tom drags his feet on getting them a phone number to call into. They can't get an 800 number for everyone to call into thanks to Tom. He said they have new phone lines coming in about 2 months from now but they don't have them now.
Gary said that they told him that they're going to get new equipment when they move to the new studio. Howard said he's got a radio show that he's doing now and he needs that stuff to keep the show running smoothly. He said he had to fight with them just to get a new phone system and even that was a nightmare.
Howard said he hates Tom Chiusano more than he hates Scott Ginsberg. He said that he needed some help with something but Tom wasn't doing anything to help. He talked about Tom and his collection of old radios in his office. He figured that Tom didn't come up with that idea himself, he probably saw someone else who did that and just copied them. He went off on him for a little longer before he said he had to take another break.
Robin asked Howard what he was talking to Teri Hatcher about the other day when they were talking in private. Howard said she asked him to do her a little favor and he did it. He said she was looking good too. He said he's hoping that something happens with her but if it does, Robin will never know. He said he thinks she's be a lousy lay though. He said he'd put her right down at the bottom of his list if he had the choice of Jenna Jameson, Amy Lynn and Teri Hatcher. He said he'd do them in that order. He had to go to break after that.
Howard took a call from Fadima who is this woman who has called into the show before and yelled at Howard about things. She's the ''It doesn't matta!'' caller. She told Howard that she didn't win the F-Emmy yesterday but she wanted to correct them. She's not from Haiti, she's from South Africa. Howard said as long as they had her on the phone, they should replay her ''It doesn't matta!'' phone call. He played the clip a few seconds later. She and Howard were arguing about something on the phone when she kept repeating that infamous line over and over again.
Fadima was pretty calm before Howard played that audio clip but when Howard said that he was right in that argument, she started to get irritated again and started telling Howard that ''it doesn't matta'' again. Howard asked her if he was right or not and asked her why she has to be so stubborn. Howard and Fadima went at each other for a couple more minutes. They were talking over each other and arguing about a bunch of different things. Fadima wouldn't listen to Howard and kept telling him to let her say something. Howard would cut her off and say that all she does is say something and doesn't let him get in a word.
Howard told her to go back to Africa since she didn't seem so happy being here in the States. He told her that she must be woozy from malaria. He told her that he had a rough time growing up and he doesn't have it as easy as she seems to think he does. He told her to go back to her country and suck out a monkey brain with a straw. He asked her to let him ask a question and not talk over him. He went on to ask her why she would come to this country and let herself be repressed by the white man if she didn't like that. Fadima said that she had to leave her country when she was 21 because things were so bad over there.
Howard said he still didn't understand her argument and asked her if she hates the American blacks more than her own people. She said she doesn't but Howard said he thinks she's lying about that. Howard asked her if she lives with her husband because he finds it hard to believe that anyone could live with her. He said that she should be married to OJ because he'd fix her right up. She broke down and laughed when she heard that. Howard let Fadima go and said that just wore him out.
Howard had Gary sing his song a short time later. Gary screwed up and played the wrong music at first so he had to get that straightened out. He performed the song parody about himself which was to the tune of ''Sittin On The Dock of the Bay.'' Howard went to break before giving out the awards.
Howard moved on to the next category and played the next batch of clips. Here's the next group:
Howard asked Henry how many people he figures he whacked. Henry claims he didn't whack any. He said he was there when some people were killed but he never killed anyone himself. Howard said his laugh is very scary and he can't imagine being there as they're about to whack someone. Howard said it must be really freaky when they kill someone who they really weren't supposed to. Henry said that happened a few times.
Howard asked what the best way to kill someone is. Henry said that an ice pick to the back of the skull is the easiest and cleanest way to whack someone. He said it doesn't screw the windshield up and it's pretty clean. He said it's pretty instantaneous when you do it too. Henry told Howard that the F-Emmy was very nice but Howard got right back to the ice pick discussion. Henry was saying that some guys will try to knock the windshield out with their feet when they're getting whacked. Howard asked him if they leave the ice pick in the guy's head. Henry said you do that and you wear latex gloves so your finger prints don't get on the pick.
Howard told Henry to give his acceptance speech after that. He didn't get a chance to because Howard was asking him about the best way to kill a guy. Henry said that the ice pick is the best but a 22 to the back of the head, right behind the ear is another way. He described that procedure to Howard and gave him the details. Howard asked him to make that acceptance speech again so Henry thanked a few people for helping out with various things. Henry also said he's got a few projects in the works and they could possibly be better than ''Goodfellas.''
Howard asked Henry to demonstrate his ice pick move with the guys who were there. Henry demonstrated how he would do it with a friend of his who was there in the room with him. Howard let him go a short time later. Robin asked how they became friends with him, they have the weirdest friends. Howard said he's not sure how that happened. He said it would be funny if he took that F-Emmy and beat some guy over the head with it.
The winner was Mike the listener who called in and really pissed of Fred by bringing up the fight that he and his wife had while at the Rainbow Room with Jackie and his wife. The guy came into the studio to accept his award. Fred once said that he'd kill the guy if he ever saw him in person. Well there was no killing this morning but Fred is still pissed at the guy. We also found out that Fred hasn't worn his wedding ring since the filming of Private Parts started!
And the winner was Tiny Tim of course. Tiny accepted his F-Emmy on the phone. Howard brought up the fact that Tiny was the inspiration for the 'Peeing in the diaper' bit that happened recently. Tiny wears disposable diapers because they're more sanitary.
The winner was Joey Buttafuoco. He was also on the phone to accept his F-Emmy. Joey was calling in from Los Angeles at some party out there. He did his acceptance and Howard also spoke to Mary Jo for a minute. Mr. Fisher wasn't on the phone because Da Da Dopey didn't think he'd come on the phone with Joey after the last nightmare call.
That was it for F-Emmy's today. Maybe more next week.
And the winner was... Robin's fight with Jackie. Jackie and Robin both accepted their F-Emmy's.
Next category was...
The winner was... The guy who slept with his Grandmother. He was on the phone to accept.
Next up was Crackhead Bob to read the rules. First he had to show off his new tattoo of Fred and Jackie. He just loves to tattoo Stern show members on his arm. The next tattoo to be added to his arm is going to be Gary! That should be interesting! Here were the rules.. although you couldn't understand a word he said...
The next category was:
The winners were.. Kenneth Keith and Captain Janks. The two of them were in to accept their awards. Janks and Kenneth have gotten over their fight and have hung out since then. Back when they had their fight they were calling each drug users but now say that neither of them use drugs.
This next award was something special...
Elephant Boy read some words about Wood Yi and Howard played some of Wood Yi's weather reports. Wood Yi was there live to accept. Wood Yi as usual had some really funny lines for us. He made some jokes about his girlfriend Soon Yee like this one.. 'I'm going to put this(F-Emmy) on the mantle next to the naked polaroids of the little nip that gave her mother a nervous breakdown and almost landed me in the hoosegow' and 'see you later I have a date with a cutie who's farts smell like rice' ... Wow what an acceptance speech!
Well that was it for today but there will be more tomorrow and possibly more next week!