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Howard started today's show talking about all of these shows he has to do. He said he's had enough already. He said he's irritable. Howard said he has been painting a lot and he loves it. He said he has to get back into work mode. Howard said it's abrupt to get back into work mode. Howard said he loves painting. Robin asked what's so wonderful about it. Howard said he gets into it and 5 or 6 hours pass and he doesn't notice. He said he knows every second of work. Fred said he should paint during the show. Howard said it turns off a side of his brain that he needs for the radio show. He said you just think and don't have to talk.
Howard said his wife was out delivering cats to people and he was alone for a while. He said he painted while she was away and he loved it. Robin asked if he has a room to paint in at both homes. Howard said he does. He said he has it set up in both. Robin asked if he brings his work from one to the other. Howard said it depends. He said if it's small he'll do that. He said he has one that's huge. He said that stays in one place. Robin asked how big it is. Howard said it's for their kitchen and it's a beach thing. He said he's not sure. He said maybe poster size after Robin suggested that. Howard said he enjoys the painting. He said it keeps him out of trouble. Robin asked what trouble he'd be getting into. Howard said ''Exactly.'' He said he just sits home.
Howard said it was a rainy day yesterday and he loves that. He said Beth doesn't love it. Howard said it's a good excuse to sit in the house and do nothing.
Howard said he wants to tell people that David Crosby is hosting a special for them. He said it's a great special and David is in their studio playing tracks from his concert at the Truabdor. Howard said it's on Friday night and through the weekend. Howard said it's really good. He said it's very casual and off the cuff. Howard said he might have a clip. JD said he needs like 5 minutes. Howard said he'll be on to something else in 5 minutes. He told him to forget it.
Howard said JD is a funny mother fucker. He said he has like 100 phony phone calls featuring JD. He asked Robin which one she wanted to hear. Howard said they have one where they speed up his voice and he sounds like a Chinese guy. Howard said they have one where they call a sports show but they're going to listen to the Chinese restaurant ordering call. Howard played that and Sal calls saying he has a kid who speaks Chinese and has the guy take his order. The guy was trying to talk to JD and seemed to be understanding something but then he gave up and hung up. Howard played some JD song parodies after that.
Howard said he heard Scott was sweating under his tits. JD came in and Will followed him in. JD said he didn't have to be in there. They talked about the dog shit thing. JD explained how he was walking down and he stepped in the dog shit. Will said he was a sweaty, smelly pile of dog shit. Howard said it sounds like they really bonded. JD said Will was giving him shit the whole time. He said he has to fight back. JD said he had every sweat joke and everything like that. He had to fight back. Will said he's surprised he can lift his legs.
Howard asked who won. Gary said it was more about who lost. He said the teams were about a half hour apart. Gary said his team finished first. He said 30 minutes later another team showed up and then 30 minutes later another one showed up. Gary said they were waiting for the last team to show up at lunch. He said they were an hour and a half behind. Sal and Steve Brandano were on that team. Gary said that they all had a starting point in an abandoned building. Gary said they aren't supposed to call anyone. He said Steve saw all of them in there and he got angry when they didn't tell him anything. He said he was going to go home. Gary said they had to give him a clue.
Gary said there are people who are planted there to be part of the game but then there are others you think are in it and they're not. He said that one team followed some guy they weren't supposed to for 6 blocks so that held them up.
Howard gave the show The Accomplice some plugs for doing that for them. Howard said you can find out more at AccompliceTheShow.com
Howard said that Jason was apparently a disgusting mess during the game. Howard said he is a heavy guy so what do they expect. Robin asked why they did it on a hot day like that.
Howard said people hate that Bobo is back on the show. Howard said Bobo is doing Periscope now and so are a bunch of Wack Packers. Howard said he's not sure whose is worse, Jeff or Bobo. Howard said he wants to deal with this whole thing. Howard said he is starting to get bummed about Bobo now because people hate him so much. Howard said he didn't miss his calls like he thought he would.
Howard said when Jackie was on the show he'd quit and walk out. He said the first day or two he'd miss him. Then he'd get over it and when he came back it was jarring. Howard said it's weird. Howard said it takes a while to get back into it.
Howard said Bobo's Periscope is so hokey and douchy. He said it's awful. Howard said Bobo had bits to do. He said he takes you down to his shrine and then he put on a dunce cap and he does a bit where he puts it on and it gets caught in the ceiling fan. Howard said it's so fucking bad. He had a clip of Bobo doing his Periscope ''test'' for the fans. In the clip he puts on the dunce cap and then he gets hit by the ceiling fan. Bobo said he forgot the fan was on when he got hit.
Howard said Bobo should do that every time he logs on. He said that can be his thing. He said he's such a fucking idiot. Howard said he does the dunce cap again. He said it would be interesting if he walked around and interacted with his wife. Howard said no one cares about his bits. Howard said he's already producing his Periscope account.
Howard said that Bobo was outwitted by his dunce cap again. He said he wants to ban him again over this bit. Gary said people like anything. He said that Shuli hasn't seen more than 100 people on Bobo's account at any one time. Howard played another clip of Bobo talking to Shuli about his ''copious notes'' about the show. Shuli asked him what ''copious'' means and Bobo had no idea. Bobo said Jon Leiberman used that term to describe it during his Embedded thing. Howard said he still doesn't know what it means. Howard said he doesn't have a copious amount of brain cells. Howard said that Bobo used some other term in there. Shuli came in and said that Bobo doesn't use the word ''ban'' either.
Howard played another clip where Bobo said he's back in Howard's ''good gracious'' instead of graces. Bobo signed out with a ''Bobobobobo out.'' Shuli said he's trying to do a Jeff the Drunk ''Chello'' kind of thing there.
Shuli said Bobo got his wallet chain stuck on his car's shifter. He said it was another bit he did for Periscope. Howard asked if Bobo is holding the camera himself. Bobo said he is. He said he went down to the swamps all by himself. Shuli said he shows his nostrils most of the time.
Shuli said Hanzi was on the other night and he had his phone pointed up at the ceiling and 100 people were watching it. Shuli said what he loved about Bobo was saying that he hated being on ''the band'' when he was banned from the show. Bobo said it's ''ban'' but when he's banned he's ''band.'' Howard said Bobo is smart. He said he takes it all back. Howard said he wants to thank the lord for giving Bobo that IQ.
Howard asked Bobo if he'll be on Periscope today. Bobo said he will. He said he may get eaten by an alligator on cam. He said the fans seem to like what he's doing.
Howard said he has another clip of Bobo talking to Shuli telling him what went on after he was banned from the show. Howard played a clip of Bobo reading some of the notes he took after he was banned. Howard played one clip where Bobo said he was feeling the ''raft'' of his ban. He must have meant ''wrath'' so Howard asked if he's ever heard that. Bobo said he has heard Gary use it. Howard said this is the New York school system. He said he has to thank them for this.
Robin asked Bobo what ''raft'' means to him. Bobo said he's feeling the anxiety of it all. Howard said okay to that. Shuli said maybe he did stick his cap in the ceiling fan accidentally. Howard said he started out doing it as a goof but then he injured himself. Howard said he has another bit he did on the treadmill at the gym. Howard played that clip too. He had Bobo falling on the treadmill saying he forgot the thing was on. Howard asked if he did the dunce cap stunt and treadmill thing on the same day. Bobo said they may have been on different days. Howard asked if he can do a stunt where he gets run over by a truck.
Howard said they're up to day 4 of Bobo's diary. Howard asked how Shuli made it through that. Shuli said it wasn't easy. Howard played more clips of Bobo talking about his ban from the show and how tough it was on him. Howard said for Christmas they should give out copies of Bobo's diary.
Howard played a clip of Bobo talking about how he was getting through the days when he was banned. Howard said Shuli sat and listened to this stuff for an hour. Howard said he used to think Shuli was lazy but he's not at all. He said he's the hardest working guy in show business. Howard said he's the best fucking thing they have. He said he's the only one willing to listen to Bobo. Shuli said he was up to day 18 and wondering what he's doing with his life.
Howard played another clip of Bobo talking about his days when he wasn't able to call in and what he was doing while he wasn't able to. Howard played a song parody about Bobo after that. Howard got a laugh out of that. He said that was Chris Wilding. He said he had a great line where he said ''I hate to be so blunt but the guy is a cunt...''
Howard played more audio of Bobo reading from his diary. Howard asked Bobo if he wanted to give his sign off now too. Bobo said he can do that. Howard said Bobo didn't ask a question though. Bobo said he had a question about his 4 year run at America's Got Talent. Shuli said he's such an ass licker. Howard said Beth was so turned on she had to make love to him all weekend. Bobo was wondering about a big they did where Howard was talking to a bunch of kids in school. Howard said Bobo never got any respect from his driving school students. He said they used to put shit in his hair. Bobo said they used to stick gum in there and put ketchup packets and stuff in it. Robin said he probably still passed them anyway. Howard and the guys were goofing on Bobo and talking about the shit people probably put in his hair. Howard said he's like Bobo the Human Hot Dog with all of the condiments they put in his hair.
Bobo said he had to teach a class for 6 hours after all of that. Howard said he probably spelled ''wrath'' as ''raft'' in class so they thought he was an idiot. Bobo said he had a high failure rate because he didn't put up with nonsense there. Howard said it sounds like he did. Howard goofed on Bobo some more about his spelling.
Howard asked how he didn't know which kids were putting shit in his hair. Bobo said he was paying attention to what the kids were doing while driving. Howard said he has to let Bobo go. Bobo did his ''Bobobobobo'' sign off and said don't miss him on Periscope. Howard asked what they like better, Chello or Bobobobo out. Everyone liked Chello more. Howard said he has to take a break. He said Carol Burnett is coming in today. He said he has other things to get to as well. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he was thinking about him and how they ripped down his studio so fast. Dave said it only took 30 seconds for Vinnie Favale to take his nose out of his ass and put it into Colbert's ass. Howard asked if he misses Biff Henderson. Dave said no.
Howard asked Dave about how he's keeping busy. Evil Dave said he's on Periscope. He said he's actually sitting on an actual Periscope. Dave and Howard went back and forth with their scripted conversation for a short time.
Howard asked Dave if he supports the LGBT community. Dave said in his day they just called that Drama Club. Howard said he has to go. Dave wrapped up with a joke about how to make George Takei scream twice. That was fuck him in the ass and then wipe your cock off on his throw pillow. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said that bit is so hard to put together. He said he has some out takes from the recording session. Howard said Dave has no email. He said he has no fax machine or anything so they're trying to send him lines to read. Howard said they emailed a buddy of his and the guy wasn't able to figure out how to get it working. Howard said it's fucking incredible. Howard played a clip of Will calling Dave to work with him. Will was reading the lines to Dave and Dave was writing them down. He wasn't able to remember the short lines they had for him to recite. Howard said this was one line and they had like 500 for him to remember. Howard said they didn't know what to do.
Howard played another clip where Dave was reciting his lines and getting them wrong over and over again. Howard said halfway through this they told Dave he had to figure out how to work email. Howard played a clip of Will asking Dave if he had a fax machine there. Dave didn't seem to know what was going on there. Will asked if his friend could send him an email. Dave even had a hard time with that. Dave said he's sorry about that. Howard said that whole thing took all day. He said that short conversation took a full day to produce.
Howard said when he started in radio he was alone and he had to do it all by himself. He said now he has a staff to work on it. He said Dave is great at sounding like David Letterman. Howard said it's easier to get that talking horse in Mr. Ed to talk.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Carol Burnett is a legend. She said she's so excited. Mariann said Howard has just two more America's Got Talent shows. Howard said it is the last week. Howard said he never thought he'd get there. Howard said he doesn't want to sound negative but the schedule is crazy. Mariann said she's not sure who is going to win this year. Howard said he predicts the ventriloquist or the Regurgitator or maybe Piff the Magic Dragon. Howard said he thinks it'll be the Regurgitator or the ventriloquist.
Mariann said that Jimmy Kimmel is coming to town in October and she needs to know when he's going to be on. Howard said he doesn't know. Mariann said she wants to be there for him. Howard said he may have it in his calendar. He said he isn't good figuring that out. Howard said it takes too long to figure out.
Howard said he hates doing talk shows now. He said it's Jimmy though and he loves him. He said it's just too nuts for him to do shows like that. He said he has to take another break and then get to Jeff the Drunk. They went to break after that.
After that Howard said they don't know how to hang up. Howard said he has Jeff the Drunk on the phone. He said he's sure The Lump will be on too. Howard picked up on Jeff who gave him a big ''Chello!'' when he got on. Howard said that's his new thing. Howard played a couple of song parodies where they had Jeff saying ''Chello'' in them.
Howard said he has a guy saying that Jeff keeps blocking him. He asked the guy what he did to get blocked. The guy said he was calling in with clips of Jeff into Jeff's show. He said Jeff would go along with it for a little while. Then he'd tell himself to get his balls out of his mouth. The guy said he was also banned from Jeff's Twitter. Howard said he has The Lump on the phone too. Jeff said fuck The Lump.
Howard said Jeff was on the air crying about his legs being in pain. Shuli said Jeff said he had to go to the hospital. Howard said Jeff's house is filled with boxes from his Wishlist on Amazon.com. Shuli said Jeff has a deal with his delivery guy to open the boxes for him.
Howard played a clip of Jeff crying over all of this stuff. Jeff was complaining about not having friends and then he cries over that. Howard said Jeff doesn't know what to do. He said if your legs hurt then go to the hospital.
Howard asked Jeff about complaining about the gifts he's getting for free. Jeff said it was hundreds of boxes. He said he couldn't see his door. Howard said he's getting free stuff and complaining about it. Howard said he asked for free things and they responded. He said now he's crying that they won't take the boxes away. He said Jeff is retarded. Jeff said he was upset. The Lump asked why his legs hurt because he never moves. Jeff said he has a pinched nerve in his back. Howard said maybe Jeff can stop asking for stuff and the boxes in his house won't pile up. Jeff said that things are fine now. The Lump said someone should send him a life.
Howard asked The Lump if he says ''Chello.'' The Lump said he actually says ''get me the fuck outta here.'' He said he likes it when Jeff showers but that only happens once a month. Jeff said that's not true. The Lump said he can't wait for Jeff to get cancer so he can move on to some other person. He said he'd like to move over to Big Foot because he sounds like a lot of fun.
Howard asked Jeff if he's on Periscope today. Jeff said he's on right now. Shuli said he's on every day at least once. He said he does cooking shows. He said it's kind of interesting to see a guy with one arm cooking. He said Jeff eats on camera and the pork chops he made were crunchy. He said he's not sure if they're supposed to be. He said that house is a horror.
Shuli said Jeff gets so much stuff from that wishlist. Robin said that was Eric the Actor's thing. She said Jeff has copped his whole act with the acting gigs and all of that. Jeff said he can legitimately act. Howard said he took his cues from Eric though. Jeff said yes. He said he can actually act though. Howard told The Lump he thought of a movie for him and Jeff. He said it's Lumpback Mountain. He played a promo for the movie. They had The Lump and Jeff clips making love to each other.
Howard said he really has to go. He said he's sick of this Jeff stuff. He said he's constantly complaining. Shuli told Howard someone bought him a 50 inch TV and a chair. He said he's getting a new couch too. Shuli said here is a way that someone can fake purchasing an item for him and they never show up. He said he's curious to find out if he gets it all. Shuli said Jeff gets a lot of kitchen stuff. The Lump said there's no deodorant in there. Jeff said he has deodorant, fuck face. The Lump said all he smells is asshole. Howard asked The Lump if he has sisters and brothers. The Lump said he does and named a bunch. Jeff said his brother just died so make fun of that. The Lump said he's jealous.
Shuli was telling a story about Jeff and his brother but Jeff said that's supposed to be between them. Howard asked if he's going to Periscope from his funeral. Jeff said he is not. The Lump said Jeff still smells worse than his brother. Howard asked what his brother died from. Jeff said it was a heart attack. He said his brother was 53. Howard asked how old his sister was when she died. Jeff said 50. Jeff is 47. The Lump said Jeff should jump in the hole today at the funeral. He said they can bury him in the Amazon boxes.
Howard asked how much longer he has to live. Jeff said maybe a week. Howard said he's in terrible shape. Jeff said he's serious. Howard said he knows. Shuli said he kept getting calls from Jeff when he was at the hospital. He said he was crying on there and then he calls back saying it feels a lot better a short time later. Jeff said Shuli is a lying mother fucker. Jeff said something about him lying about the Facetime thing.
Jeff said they're all a bunch of lying mother fuckers. The Lump said he's going to be lying in a box soon. He said he'll be in a giant Amazon box. Howard asked The Lump if he has a favorite actor. The Lump said he loved Benjy's acting in Sharknado. Howard asked if he has a favorite vacation spot. The Lump said after living in that trailer with Jeff even Syria would be a joy.
Shuli said High Pitch Eric and Joey Boots have wishlists now too. He said they have ridiculous stuff on their lists. He said Eric wants a $1900 iMac. He said he wants food too. The Lump said his wish is for a gun and one bullet. Shuli said Eric also wants protein mix like a healthy person would eat. Jeff said there is a big difference between his and their wishlists. He said he was asked to make his wishlist. Jeff said his little bitches asked him to do that. The Lump said they're a bunch of fucking losers. Howard played Jeff out with a song parody and then went to break.
Howard came back and said he has Carol Burnett there. Howard said it's really her. He said when he was a kid he never thought he'd be sitting in a room with her. Carol said she would have said that when she was a kid. Howard said it's great to see her. Howard said he went back and watched a lot of the old shows. He said they're releasing stuff that was only shown once (Carol Burnett Show: The Lost Episodes). Carol said it's the first 5 years that were never in syndication. She said when they were going to release it there were some rights issues. She said she wasn't involved in that. She said they released the last 6 years but not the first 5.
Howard asked Carol about not being much of a business person. Carol said when she was a kid they didn't have any money. She said she saved her money when she worked. She said she was an usherette at one point. Howard said she had a tough childhood. Howard said her mother and father were both alcoholics. He said that her mom and dad went off to Hollywood and tried to be big players. Howard said they left her at home with her grandmother. Howard said that's such abandonment. Carol said she loves her grandmother and they had a great time together. She said she didn't feel abandoned. Howard said she wouldn't do that to her own child. Howard asked if she ever heard her grandmother cursing her mother out. Carol said her grandmother loved having her so it worked out. She said they eventually moved to Hollywood to an apartment.
Howard asked if it was hard for her to be a mother since she didn't have a mother around. Carol said she decided when she had her girls, 3 daughters, that she was going to be Loretta Young. She said she was going to be perfect. Carol said she was determined to never let them see her cry or hear her argue. She said that was wrong because they didn't think she was human. She was putting on a show for them. Howard said that must be a lot of pressure for her. Carol said she felt she was doing the right thing for the girls. Howard asked if they rebelled. She said she thinks they did. She said they never cried or screamed either.
Howard said Carol had her own network show forever. Howard said she had more success than anyone could have predicted. Howard said Lyle Waggoner drives him crazy. He said he did 7 seasons and then quits. Howard said that's the biggest putz move of any human being. Carol said he went on to do Wonder Woman and he probably thought he was going to have a big career. Carol said she loves Lyle. She said he is so smart. She said he can do everything. She said she did miss him when he left.
Howard said being left has to be a hard thing for her. She didn't feel betrayed when Harvey left either. She said they went to dinner after the 10th year and he had a chance to do his own show. She said she missed him but you can't clip their wings. Carol said go with god and the best of everything.
Howard said Johnny Carson got mad at Joan Rivers but Carol didn't do that with her people. Carol said that Harvey was brilliant. Howard said he was a legendary jackass. Howard said he was rude to a guest. Howard said they were trying to get big stars on the show and Harvey was rude and sabotaged this guest. Carol said she remembers the show. She said that they were pre-taping a show finale and Harvey was dressed up as Elvis. Carol said he could be awful but then he'd be his regular self. She said he had moods. She said one time they had Tim Conway and Petula Clark on the show. She said that Harvey was off and he snapped at Petula and Tim. She said it rolled off her back but then she said he can't do this to them. She said she had to talk to him after the show. She said she called his agent. She said that Harvey told her that he didn't have to be happy while he's at work. She said she called his agent that afternoon. She said his name was Tony Frantozzi. She told him that Harvey is off the show after that night. She said she told him about how he can be rude to her but not to the guests. Howard said that has to be the only time she wants to quit the business. She said it was only the one time she ever had to do it. She said she went to talk to Harvey after that and she had to be someone else to do it. Carol told Harvey that he got his wish and he's off the show. Carol said that she would break the contract if he's going to do that to her show. She said she asked Harvey if he's asking for a reprieve. She said she'd give it to him but told him not to bring his problems to work. She said she wanted to see him skipping down the hall and whistling.
Howard said when you think about that show no one has been able to do what she did. Howard said that they have a show with Neil Patrick Harris coming up but no one has been successful at it since Carol. Carol said that it would be too expensive to do what they did. She said they had a 28 piece orchestra and 16-20 costumes a week. Howard said they must have loved her at the network. Howard asked what they were generating money wise. Carol said she has no idea.
Howard asked if she was paid fairly back then. Carol said of course. Howard said it's amazing she didn't go berserk after all of that. Carol said she and her mother lived together and her dad was the sweetest human being. She said that he was like a Drunk Jimmy Stewart. She said her mother could get really ticked off when she was drunk. Howard asked if she drinks. Carol said she does have a cocktail once in a while. Howard asked if it offended her that the National Enquirer said she was a drunk like her parents. She said it took her 5 years to sue them and win. She said that they backed off when she sued them. Howard said she won.
Howard said he's amazed by strangers who came to Carol's rescue during her career. Howard said she was trying to make a living and she wanted to go to college. Carol said that her grandmother wanted her to go to a business school so she could get an office job and maybe nab the boss.
Carol said that she wanted to go to UCLA. She said tuition was $50. She said she knew she was going to go. She said she saw herself on campus and she didn't know how she was going to do it but she knew it was going to happen. Carol said she used to peek out their apartment door to see if the mail was there. She said she saw an envelope in the mail slot and opened it. She said it was typewritten with her name and address on it. She said someone just stuck it in there. She said she opened it and there was a $50 bill in it. She said she has no idea who sent it to her. Howard said it wasn't her father because on his death bed he said he wishes that it was him. Carol said that was a different time she got money.
Carol said that she did something for a class and this guy came to her and asked what she wanted to do with her life. She told the guy she wanted to go to New York. She said the guy said he would lend her the money to go. She said that this was after she did a scene from Annie Get Your Gun for this class. She said that this guy was in the construction business and he talked to them and said that he would give them the money to go to New York. She said that he wrote her a $1,000 check. That was big money at the time. She said that he said the stipulation was that she had to pay it back in 5 years. She said that he told her never to say his name. She said he made her promise to help others out if she became successful. This was in 1954.
Carol said she got on the Ed Sullivan show and things like that. She said she was 21 at the time. She said she wrote to the guy and never heard from him. She said about 3 or 4 years into her own show she got a call from the Mrs. She said that she was asked to come to have dinner with her and her husband in San Diego. Carol said he was kind of quiet at dinner. Carol said the Mrs. never said a word about helping her out. She said that he got help when he was young and that's why he helped others out. Howard asked if he was a religious guy. Carol said she has no idea. Robin asked if she paid him back. She said she did. She said she waited 5 years to the day to do it.
Howard said it's a pretty amazing trajectory with her career. He said that she has a lot of success and now women have success on TV. She said back then it wasn't that common. Howard said that her first big job in show business was with Paul Winchell. Howard said that he hired her to be the girlfriend of Jerry Mahoney or Knucklehead Smith. Howard said Paul was a genius but he heard he wasn't that great of a guy. Carol said he was great to her. She said that she went in and did a comedy routine and sang a song for him. Howard asked if he was a distant guy. She said he was warm to her on the set but that's the only place she saw him. She said they just rehearsed and that was it. Howard said he tried to find it online but that stuff doesn't exist.
Howard said that Carol's mother thought she wasn't good looking enough to be on TV. Howard said that's got to be debilitating. Howard said it must encourage her to show how big she could be. Carol said she had to do it for herself, not for her mother.
Howard said Carol got on the Gary Moore show and she was on with Martha Raye. Howard said Carol killed it and when Martha came back she must have been pissed that someone younger came in. Carol said Martha was sick and she had to learn everything that she was going to do. She said Gary was so sweet and told the audience what she had to do. Carol said that she went to her dressing room after the show and there were a dozen red roses in her dressing room. She said that she loved her for covering for her. Carol said that she appeared on her show many times as well.
Howard asked Carol about how she came up with her variety show. Carol said that she came up with it after doing another show for 5 years. She said she was kind of cold and CBS didn't want the show. She said that they got a tough time slot against some big shows. She said that the show didn't kick I Spy right away but it was within the first month that they were competitive. She said that CBS left her alone after that. She said they were on Monday nights at 10 and then they moved them to Wednesday night against Adam 12. She said they sank after that. She said that they were going to move her to Saturday night and that was a power house. She said that was a big night of MASH, Bob Newhart and other shows.
Howard asked how many seasons the show went. Carol said it was 11 and she pulled the plug on it. She said they had done all they could. She said that they were feeding off of the old stuff. She said she wanted to quit before they knocked and told her to go away. Howard said that you want to get out with your dignity. Howard said sometimes you give up prematurely. Carol said she felt it was right. Howard said then she saw the birth of Saturday Night Live. Howard said Lorne Michaels has said they wanted to be different than Carol Burnett because they didn't want to break up during a sketch. Carol said they didn't do that stuff on purpose. She said they would take an hour and 15 minutes to do all of the dancing, singing and costume changes. She said it was all done in that time. Howard said these days they take all day to shoot a half hour sitcom. Carol said she's done those and it's ridiculous to do a 22 minute show in 5 hours. She said that they would do stuff and her wig would fall off and they didn't stop. She said in sitcoms they'll stop if a picture is crooked. She said once Tim Conway got going it was tough for Harvey to stop. Howard said Tim was always a guest on the show. Carol said they were stupid for only having him on twice a month. She said everyone thought he was a regular but he wasn't. Howard said no one knew what to do with him until her show. Carol said that the key was to have him in front of a live audience. She said they would do two shows on a Friday and Tim would do the sketches on the first show to the ink. She said on the second show he'd go off script if they got it all good on the first taping. She said Tim would tell them to change the shot and he'd come up with shtick in the second show. Howard said he was thinking outside the box. Howard said that's what you look for in a fellow sketch artist.
Howard asked if these guys ever came to her and thanked her for giving them a life on TV. Carol said that they did so after the fact. She said she remembers Harvey saying just that. Howard said he was humbled. Howard said after that he was in Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein but still he must have realized that the Carol Burnett Show was the highlight of his life. Carol said there might be people as brilliant as him but no one is more brilliant than Harvey.
Howard said Vikki Lawrence was 17 years old when she wrote a letter to her and asked to be on her show. Howard said that there was a point when they didn't talk to each other. Carol said that's not true. She said that she wanted her to do Mama's Family and all of that. She said she adores Vikki. She said that they always have. Howard asked why that stuff gets started. Carol said look at the Enquirer. She said that stuff sells.
Howard said Carol would come out and do a question and answer with the audience. Howard said Carol saw Gary do that and decided to that herself. Carol said that was her director's idea. She said they tried it out and it worked.
Howard asked Carol about a 10 year old Jim Carrey sending her a letter saying he does 150 voices and wanted to be on the show. Howard said that she wrote him back but didn't have him on the show. She said that she should have had him on. Howard said he's sure Jim is proud of that story too.
Howard said looking back on that show must make her think about what a great ride it was. Howard said Carol was nice to people and he wonders why she wasn't angrier at people. Howard said her parents kind of ran off on her and you'd think she'd be an animal to people. Carol said she can vent and she would do characters where she could get that out. Carol said she was so calm the rest of the week after doing that. She said she has a theory that the body doesn't know when you're acting so when you scream or yell as a character you're releasing a lot of crap. She said if she gets angry now she'll go to a room and do a Tarzan yell. Howard said his dad used to do a Tarzan yell. He said that was actually like a recording of 18 sounds recorded on top of one another. Howard did it for Carol and she thought it was great.
Howard said the Carol Burnett show is coming out on DVD. Carol said she has a lot of new fans now because of those DVDs. She said that this 9 year old kid raised his hand to speak to her once and she asked him if he knew who she was. She said he said to her ''Surprisingly, yes.''
Carol said she's thankful for YouTube and DVDs. Howard said the soap opera sketch still holds up after all these years. He said that the new DVD set is out now. It's called Carol Burnett Show: The Lost Episodes. You can also get a huge collector set at TimeLife.com
Howard asked Carol about writing and if she's enjoying doing that. Carol said she is. She said she's writing about a lot of their guest stars and the sketches they did. Howard said they have some of the best bits linked on HowardStern.com. Howard said he has to thank her for coming in today. Howard said he's a huge fan. Carol said her daughter Carrie loved Howard. Howard said they had her on the show. Howard said it has to be tough to lose a daughter like that. Howard said he saw Joe Biden talking about his son and it has to be so painful. Carol said she feels her daughter with her all the time. Howard asked if she is religious. She said she believes there is something out there but she isn't in a religion.
Carol said her daughter died at 38 and she wrote something that she read to Howard. Howard gave Carol some plugs and said that what she just read was beautiful. Howard said she must have been a good mom. He thanked her for coming in and went to break.
Howard came back and said he loves when he yells in that song. He asked if it was a live version. Fred said he's not sure where it's from. He looked it up and it was from some West Virginia performance. Howard interrupted that with a Charlie Sheen Town Hall commercial parody.
Howard said that they have such good programming there. He asked JD where the Miss America pageant was. JD said it was on ABC. Howard said he hasn't watched that in years. He said the point of the contest is to find a hot chick and they're not even that hot these days. Robin said they say they're a scholarship pageant but she's not sure why they're in bathing suits if that's the case. Howard said they have to figure out what to do with them for a couple of hours. He said they ask personality questions and that seems to be there to embarrass them. Howard said maybe guys think they could get them because they sound like such morons. Howard said even the talent portion is bad. Howard said one girl got up and did a monologue. Howard said she wasn't able to even read that. Howard said it's horrible.
Howard played a clip of Miss Colorado, Kelly Johnson, reading her monologue. She was reading a monologue about someone who had night terrors. Howard said he's trying to beat off to this girl and she's horrible. Howard said you kind of like seeing her fuck up. Howard said they seem to be somewhat retarded. He said they were popular in high school but now this is what they're up to. Howard said that you can't have your own monologue and read it this poorly. Howard said she must have been in a nurse outfit too. Howard said he's not sure what she's even talking about. He said he's zoning out over the whole thing. Howard said she's such an imbecile that she's a turnoff. Howard said that's what older guys try to tell younger guys. He said you get sucked in with the looks but then you find out that the girl is a moron.
Howard played more of Miss Colorado reading her monologue and goofed on her. Howard said she's reading like a third grader. Howard said Vanessa Williams is the only one who ever made anything of being on the show. Howard said they kicked her off the show. Howard said the pageant had to apologize to her to get her to show up on the show again. Howard said he had an article about that. Howard asked if they have that. They were working on getting it so Howard played more audio from the pageant.
Howard played a clip of one of the people at the pageant talking about Vanessa Williams and how they were sorry for what that organization did to her back in 1984. The guy said he wanted to apologize to her mother for anything that was said or done that would have upset her. She said Vanessa will always be Miss America to them. Vanessa came out and thanked him for that.
Howard said according to TMZ they were going to give her a crown if she came out and apologized. Howard said they thought she was going to fall on the sword. Howard said this whole thing is embarrassing. He said that the girls are morons and the people who run it are morons.
Howard played more of Miss Colorado's monologue reading. She finished up a few seconds that she had left. Robin was able to follow the story which surprised Howard. Howard said it's kind of like when he watches porn he needs a story and a chick with personality. Howard said he finds these girls a turn off because they're such idiots. Howard said you have to be a loser to be in a pageant these days. Howard said no one has ever made a living being Miss America. He said it's a huge waste of time. Robin said they do get some scholarship money out of it. She said she knows of some women who have done that.
Howard played more clips from the pageant where some girls are talking about gun laws and things like that. They asked one girl about Tom Brady's suspension and if she thinks he cheated. The one girl said that's a good question while she thought about it. She said she'd have to be there to feel the ball to be sure it was deflated. Howard said that thought process is something else. He said she had to be there to feel the balls. Howard said he smells a phony phone call coming. Howard said that's some answer.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she loved Carol Burnett when she was growing up. Howard asked her to do the Tarzan call. Mariann tried but Howard said that's horrible and hung up on her.
Howard had anther Miss America clip where a girl talked about the Black Lives Matter thing. Howard said the girl who answered the deflate gate question is the one who won. Howard said that's pretty shocking. Howard played the clip of the girl talking about the Black Lives Matter movement. She said that all lives matter and everybody matters. Robin said she made the most sense so maybe she should have won. Howard said he thinks it matters how big your tits are.
Howard said Jimmy Fallon appeared on Stephen Colbert's first show. Howard asked what's up with that. Robin said it is weird and everyone is doing everyone else's show.
Howard said New York Magazine ranked him the number one talk show host of all time. Howard said he finally has validation. Robin said they said some nice things about his interviewing skills. Robin said Leno was the last one on the list. Howard said he agrees with that.
Howard said he was reading about this woman who was denying people their same sex marriage license. He said she's been married three times. He said she looks like a dude. Howard said all of the people who came out to greet her looked like they were all unfuckable. Howard said they all look pissed off because gay people want to get married. Howard said they look like they're all just miserable people. Howard said he's miserable too but he's not trying to rob people of their happiness. Howard said he's angry but not that angry. Howard said that woman, Kim Davis, looks like Benjy with a wig. Robin said now she's saying that she'll let the licenses be issued but by someone else. Howard said he heard that the band Survivor is upset that she came out to their song ''Eye of the Tiger.''
Howard said he finished the show Narcos on Netflix. He said he wants a second season. Robin said she tried watching it but she doesn't have the patience. She said that she had to turn it off. Howard told her to stick with it. He said she'll be hooked. Howard said she has to power her way through the first couple of episodes.
Howard said he bought the movie Pitch Perfect 2 but it's not as good as the first one. Howard said he thinks that little chick is hot. Howard said she's all snotty about her singing. He said he's about halfway through the movie but he's having a hard time with it. He said he feels bad watching it.
Howard said he wants to interview the four guys who are fucking that woman Kim Davis. Howard said she could use a makeover from a gay guy but she won't take it.
Howard said Gay Ramone left some messages and he hates Mexicans. Howard said he thought he was Mexican but he's apparently Puerto Rican. Howard said he's for Trump too. Howard played the audio of Ramone talking about why he thinks they need to get rid of the Mexicans in this country. Howard said he also says that he'd give up his gay rights if he could get rid of the Mexicans. Howard played that clip too. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said that he was talking to his mom about coffee and she thinks Dunkin' Donuts coffee is better than Starbucks. Howard did his impression of his mom telling him about that and laughing as she did. Howard said she finds everything funny. Howard did his impression of her setting him straight on things even at his age. Howard said she laughs at everything too. Howard said he's not sure what's so funny. Howard said they get egg salad there at Dunkin' Donuts too. He said his mom says the coffee is hot and it's stronger there. Howard said he told Beth they have to try it there. He said this isn't a commercial by the way. He said his mother laughs every time she tells him she eats there at Dunkin' Donuts. Howard said his dad can't hear a thing anymore. He said he didn't hear a fucking thing he said to him last time he saw him. He said it's like 90 out and they complain about how hot the coffee is. Howard said his dad has all kinds of rules about his food. Robin said there's someone there who is like that too. Howard said he complains about the way people drink their coffee. Howard said if you put milk and sugar in coffee then you don't really like coffee. Robin told Howard that he is putting blueberries in his yogurt so it's the same thing. Howard said no. He said it's true he doesn't like yogurt plain but it's not the same thing as coffee.
Howard did more of his parents talking and had his dad not hearing anything and saying ''What?'' after everything. He had his mom talking about what she eats for breakfast. Howard was doing both voices on his megaphone. He did that for a couple of minutes.
Howard said they have to get to news. He took a call from Speech Impediment Man who asked about the show Gotham who said it's coming up the 21st. He asked how it's going to do without Jada Pinkett Smith. Howard said it'll do fine. He said if they have good writers they'll do fine. Speech asked him about who the best Comic Book artist is. Howard said Jim Lee. He goofed on Speech Impediment Man for his voice. Fred did his impression of him. Howard said he'll tell him his opinion about Gotham when the show airs.
Speech Impediment Man asked if he is going to watch The Bastard Executioner. Howard said he'll watch it and let him know. Speech Impediment Man told him to calm down. Howard told him not to tell him to calm down.
Howard said he read an article in the NY Times about the automakers agreeing to have automatic braking systems in all new cars. Howard said he thinks this is a game changer for driving. Howard said that they will be able to read when you're about to crash and they'll brake automatically. Howard said this will save so many lives. Howard said he's excited about this. Robin said she sees problems. Howard said he's sure there will be. Robin said they'll hear about cars braking when they shouldn't. Howard said we'll see.
Robin started her news with a story about Dancing with the Stars. Robin said that Gary Busey is going to be on it this season. Howard said he is the one. Robin said she didn't know Paula Deen is going to be on. Howard said he doesn't care about her. Howard asked who the hot chick will be. Robin said Bindi Irwin will be the young girl. Howard said she's not hot. He said she's 17. Robin said Nick Carter might be the hot chick. Howard said he'd feel weird jerking off to a 17 year old.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Ronnie has that stale old person smell. Howard said he uses that Mambo stuff to cover it up if he does. Howard said he doesn't smell anything odd.
Robin said that the season finale of I Am Cait was on over the weekend. Howard said he has them all on TiVo. Robin had some audio of Kris and Caitlyn talking during the season finale. Robin said the episode ended with her having a renaming ceremony. Howard said they know about that because they renamed Gary ''Baba Booey.'' Howard said it would have been cool if Caitlyn showed her tits to Kris. Howard said they should have had a renaming ceremony for Fred. Robin said they should have. Howard asked what you do at a renaming ceremony. Robin said there's a lot of paperwork involved. Robin said it must be like a marriage.
Robin read a story about Taylor Swift being sued by a radio personality who claims that he was accused of grabbing her rear at a concert in 2013. Robin said the guy was fired after being accused. Robin said that he's claiming he never touched her rear end.
Robin said Jewel is out promoting a new book and she's talking about sexual harassment in the industry. Howard said she'll be coming in soon. Robin said she says she had men hitting on her from the page of 8. She says that men would give her a dime and tell her to call when she got older because it would be great to fuck her. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about an Olympian who is talking about depression and how she became an escort in Las Vegas. Howard said he heard that there are a ton of famous chicks who hook. Robin said that this woman was caught and outed.
Robin asked for the ratings for Colbert last week. Howard said he has them. Howard said on his premier he had 6.6 million viewers. He said that some papers said that was a bad opening night but it sounds good to him. Howard said by Wednesday Fallon had 4 million and Colbert had 3.6. He said by Friday Fallon had 4.5 and Colbert had 3.5 million. Howard asked if that's more than Letterman had or the same. Robin asked if Jon Hein knows. Jon came in and said that they were expecting more on his first night but it's more than Letterman had. Jon said it all depends on what they're coming out of for their lead in. Jon said it's the first week so they have to see how it goes from week to week. Howard said Colbert is a funny guy. He said that whole late night thing is horrible. Jon said Colbert has had a bunch of interesting business people on. Howard said that something happened on the show that they edited out. Howard said they had a guy in the audience who was yelling at the Uber guy. Howard said they edited out some of it because it ran long. Howard said that it might have been interesting to see. Howard said maybe it was boring.
Jon wondered if the late night hosts are going to continue getting along. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said they will eventually get into wars. Howard said that he doesn't want to do the late night shows anymore. He said he will do Kimmel's show because he's a friend but he really doesn't want to do the other late night shows. Howard said they have like 2 million viewers but he has like 10 million listening to him right now. Howard said he doesn't have to do those shows.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he went to check out Periscope and he saw a smoking hot babe named Stella Inger who said she likes Howard on America's Got Talent. Howard said he's not sure if he cares. Howard said he must think that he can fuck her or something.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they saw on YouTube there was a young boy who threw out a first pitch with his feet and he threw a strike. He said he did better than Gary did. Howard said he did see that. Howard said he loves that Gary was coached and he wasn't able to pitch.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump being out in Iowa and he went to a football game and people were mobbing him. Robin said he's just so popular now. Robin said the republican party doesn't seem to know what to do. Robin said now he's going after the guy who is closest following him in the polls. Howard said that's Dr. Ben Carson. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about how Carson doesn't have what it takes to lead. She had some other clips of Trump talking about various things.
Robin read a story about Chris Christie not worrying about the scandals going on around him. Robin had some audio of him for Howard to play. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin had some more audio of someone talking about the candidates dropping out of the republican party run. Robin went through a few of those with Howard.
Robin had some audio of Hillary Clinton talking about how she has learned she needs to be nicer to the press. Howard said he hates that she has to do that.
Robin read a story about Joe Biden being on the Colbert show and talked about that with Howard. Howard said he was good. Robin said Biden said he's not sure he's emotionally ready to run. She said she likes that he said that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Howard was so cute in that bit they did on America's Got Talent with the kids. Howard said he didn't even want to do it. The caller said she was dying watching that. She said it was so great. Howard said the kids were really cute. He said that Angelo kid was really cute. He said they were great. The caller said they believed everything Howard said to them. Robin said that they're going to feel so ripped off when they find out that he's not a model. Howard said he was stunned when he heard that kid guess that he was a model for a living. Howard said he went with it. Howard said he could do no wrong. Howard said they were the perfect age. He said they should stay that age. Howard said he thought he was going to lose them when he sang for them. He said they loved it. Howard said some of them were hugging him and didn't want him to leave. Howard said maybe he is good with kids. Robin said not for 24 hours a day.
Robin read a story about how Chuck Schumer is hoping to get legislation passed to stop drones from flying around airports. Howard said it's scary enough to fly and now we have drones colliding with airplanes. Robin had audio of Schumer talking about geo-fencing to stop them from flying in certain areas. Howard said he likes that idea.
Robin read a story about a guy at MIT who has given up showering. He gave it up 12 years ago. Robin said that the guy thinks that we're into excessive cleaning. Howard said that he got a note saying that Richard Christy is in the hall cheering. Robin said that this guy thinks that we've confused clean with sterile. Howard said that it's the stink that he's thinking about. Howard said he is into a movement of not wiping his ass for the past 5 years. Robin read about how they want to introduce some dirt into our lives so they've come up with something that you mist on your hands. Howard said he's grossed out by that.
Robin read a story about how they may relocate some migrants in Greece, Italy and other countries to other countries. Robin said that they are coming from Syria and Germany had to put a limit on the people who were coming in.
Robin said Adrian Grenier tweeted something out about how he felt bad for the victims of 9/11 but he also felt bad for the hundreds of thousands of people who were killed in wars that the United States started in places they didn't belong. Howard said you have to watch what you say. Howard said it's best not to tweet on 9/11. He said chances are you're going to fuck up. He said that dude is a hot dude so just shut up and stay hot.
Robin read a story about a fan who fell from the stands at a football game in Colorado. Robin said that the man fell about 15 feet over a railing. Robin said the police say that they don't believe foul play was involved.
Robin read a story about the next debate that the republican party will be holding. Robin said that people are looking forward to it because of Donald Trump. Robin said it'll be this Wednesday evening.
Robin read a story about an actor from the show Arrow who got into trouble for getting into a fight. Robin said the reason for the fight isn't clear. Robin said the guy is currently out on bond. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Jon asked Jonathan what he thinks about the Periscope thing. Jonathan said it's getting harder to distinguish the bad from the terrible these days. He said there is a lot of content out there. Jon said it can hurt people because there is so much out there to watch. He said that it might give you a false sense of security. Jon said it's bizarre. He said with Bobo he was trying to be entertaining. He said that the entertaining part about Bobo is that he's just being Bobo. He said that's what works. He said you don't have to put something on like that. Rahsaan said it might be better if you could Periscope them without them knowing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Jeff the Drunk keeps blocking people and he's such an ass. He said he had to stop watching. He said he's just a prick now. He said you say one thing to him and he blocks you. He said the more free stuff he gets the more cocky he gets. He said he's getting a big ego and he's really nothing without Howard Stern. He said he'd be nowhere if he didn't have Howard. Jon asked if Jeff forgets about that. The caller said it's all about chello and his slogans. He said he should be thankful for what Howard has given him.
Jon said the feedback about the Periscopes is that they're not appreciating what they have. He said that these guys are looking to take advantage of what they're getting and thank you notes aren't part of their vocabulary. Jon said it's great to have the riches of success but you have to show some appreciation. Jonathan said that he tries to be that way with his fans. He said he thinks he's grateful. Rahsaan said the Wack Packers can be assholes to their fans at times. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Howard was looking for the resentment of her parents but she never said she did. Jon said it's like she is happy and Howard cant believe it.
Jon said that Carol talked about going to college thanks to an anonymous person who sent her $50. Gary said it was a $50 bill too and there couldn't have been that many of them floating around back then. He said that she'll never know who did that for her. Jon said that the other person who loaned her money is someone she knew but he asked her to never reveal who he was.
Jon said Carol made the most of what she had. Gary said he saw that they're playing a Jackie interview today on Sternthology and he figured that he was their Harvey Korman. Jon said they should talk about that. Jon said that Carol talked about dealing with Harvey Korman and how tough it was. Gary said he loves Jackie, he swears, but he thinks that Harvey thought the show couldn't go on without him. He said Jackie was like that. He said they had a lot of fun but Jackie would complain about things all the time.
Jon asked Jonathan if he has ever done any shows like that. Jonathan said he auditioned for the Tonight Show but he didn't get asked to come on. Jon wondered what kind of difference it makes for someone to do an appearance like that. Jon said Carol talked about what she got from doing certain shows back in the day.
Jon said one of the funniest things on Carol's show was when they would break and laugh at each other. Jon said it was great to see them doing that. Jon said some people resent it but some people appreciate it. Gary said Saturday Night Live was almost the opposite of that but they're very similar if you think about it. He said that the costume changes and the sets and all of that are probably share similar issues.
Jon said they did record the show but it felt live. Gary said it felt like it when they went to the audience members and they weren't lit.
Jon said that he knows that Jonathan liked the Neil Young interview. He asked what it was about that. Jonathan said that he can relate to Neil's views on politics and things. He also talked about how great laughs must have been for Carol as she was coming up in the business. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said seeing her in person was so great. Gary said she was beyond nice. Gary said that he found it hard to hide how excited he was to meet her.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Jon made an interesting point about Bobo trying too hard on his Periscope. Gary said Bobo is awful at doing that but that's what makes him great. He said Bobo thinks he's doing an amazing acting job and that's what makes it interesting to watch. The caller said Jeff the Drunk is just being himself. He said that's what makes him great. He said that he's alone in the trailer but people are giving him things. Gary said he thinks Jeff is real for the most part. He said he's shticking it up a little bit.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jeff is part of the problem with people in this country. He said he's milking the system to death. He said that everyone is paying for that. He said that it's a smack in the face that he's taking advantage of social media to get even further ahead. Gary said Eric the Actor had social services but he needed them. He said he thinks Jeff has the ability to do something and he doesn't. He said that bothers him. Jon said that Jeff is not only getting things for free but complaining about it. The caller said that his family came there from Australia to take advantage of what they have in this country but Jeff doesn't see it. He said Jeff is taking more than his fair share of advantage. Gary said Jeff could work and make money or sit and collect free stuff from people. He asked what the caller would do. The caller said he would work for his money.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jeff has a handicap and he also lives in an area where he has nothing around him. He said High Pitch could get a job but he doesn't do it in the city where there's a ton of work. Gary said he's not buying that Jeff can't work. He said there are jobs out there and he's sure Jeff could do it but it's hard work. He said hard work and Jeff don't belong in the same sentence. Gary said he's not sure there aren't jobs near Jeff. The caller said he doesn't either but he's comparing him to High Pitch Eric. He said Jeff has a handicap. Gary said plenty of handicapped people have jobs. He said he'd love to hear Jeff say that he's tried. He said to be in the Wack Pack you almost have to be in the system and getting social services.
Jon took a call from a guy who Jonathan Edwards is the bomb. He said he has been listening to him forever. He asked if he's coming to Orlando anytime soon. Jonathan said he hopes so. He said that you can check out his dates on JonathanEdwards.net. He said they know his schedule better than he does.
Jon got in some plugs for Sternthology and for Jonathan Edwards. Jon asked Rahsaan for the results of the poll. Rahsaan said that 54 percent of the audience voted ''No, the worse the periscopes the better!'' They wrapped up and ended the show around Noon.
Howard started the show talking about having his coffee. He said good morning too and Robin asked if he was doing a Hogan's Heroes kind of thing with that. Howard said he has no idea what he was doing. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about how crazy it was to do Hogan's Heroes. Howard said he's going to do a remake of that. He said the network executive who approved that had to have some balls. Fred said Bing Crosby produced the show. Robin said she never would have guessed that.
Robin said one of the guys from Devo had a 9/11 theme wedding cake and a box cutter. Howard said he read his explanation of it and he said that they got a wedding license and they were going to get married at the last minute before it expired. He said someone got him a twin towers cake and when it came the friend said that their love was as strong as the towers. Robin said the box cutter was engraved. Howard said he's not going to be mad at the guy from Devo. He said he's got so many other things to worry about. Howard said the guy got married on 9/11 and now he has to celebrate his anniversary on the saddest day. Howard said let the guy go. He said we don't have to pick on him.
Howard said that he was reading about this Shawskank chick. Howard said that name is so great. He said Gary asked him to pick a woman to fuck out of Shawskank, the woman who refuses to marry the gays, Kim Davis, or Caitlyn Jenner. Howard asked Fred who he'd pick. Fred said you can't pick Caitlyn. Howard said he saw there's a porn star named Caitlyn Gender. Howard said imagine you're stuck with that name. He said it's not a hot name but it gets you noticed. Howard said it might get you a little more money.
Howard went through the three names again and asked Fred who he'd pick out of the three chicks. Fred asked who the youngest is. Robin gave him a rundown. Howard said he thinks he'd pick Caitlyn. Fred said he'd go with Kim Davis. He said that's only if she's the youngest. Howard asked Benjy who he'd fuck. Benjy asked what Shawskank said to Matt Lauer. Howard said they're about to sentence her. Howard said she was on the Today show. Howard said she shouldn't be on that show to begin with. Howard said she should get life for what she did. Howard said she told Matt that she was working at the prison and she flirted with the prisoners. Howard said she said that they asked for some tools and then they threatened to kill her husband. Howard had some audio from the interview so he played that. Robin also told Howard that Kim Davis is 44 years old.
Howard said he wouldn't fuck this Shawskank with Al Roker's dick. The Shawskank woman was talking about how the prisoners asked her for some tools and she claims that they threatened to kill her husband. Matt Lauer asked about sexual contact and the woman, Joyce, said that she was forced to have sex. Howard said this was all going on in prison. Howard said she's trying to get out of getting 7 years in prison. Howard said she is a big, fat, ugly broad who is fucking retarded. He said she has to be lower on the IQ scale than Bobo. Howard said that these guys are taking advantage of her. Howard said they all talked about bumping off her husband and they were going to run off together. Howard said she got all hopped up. He said she should be in prison the rest of her life. Howard said the other woman who won't marry gays is a nasty looking broad. Howard said the troops who are supporting her are all nasty looking too. Howard said they all can't get laid and they're mad that the gays are happy.
Howard asked Benjy who he'd fuck. Robin said they have the 44 year old Kim Davis, the 51 year old Shawskank. Howard said that Kim Davis found 4 suckers to marry her. Howard said any man who can fuck her has to be the straightest man in America. Howard said Fred would be 10 times hotter than her if he grew out his hair.
Howard went to Benjy again but he was bumming him out. Howard told him to talk. Howard went to Gary instead. Gary said he would go with Shawskank. He said she's better looking than Kim Davis. Fred said he's right. Howard said he's not so sure about that. Gary said he is repulsed by Kim Davis in every way. He said there's no way he's having sex with Caitlyn. Howard asked if he thinks Kim took a shower in prison. Gary said he's not sure about that. Howard said the world is so fucked up. He said he's going with Shawskank too.
Howard asked who they'd fuck, Mike Huckabee or Caitlyn. Howard said at least Caitlyn looks somewhat like a woman. Howard said Mike Huckabee has tits though. Howard said that guy is so happy to be out there with that Kim Davis. He said it's a sorry state of affairs.
Howard said Gary said he'd fuck Caitlyn Jenner if he was stuck on an island. Gary said he never said that. Gary said he has zero recollection of saying that. Howard asked the guys if they heard that. One guy, Nick, said Gary said that the day the Vanity Fair cover came out. Howard said Gary got worked up that day. Gary said Nick may have missed his sarcasm. Howard said he thinks Caitlyn would reject Gary. Howard played a song parody with Gary clearing his throat.
Howard said someone wrote a song about his big nose. He said it's called '''That Schnoz is Huge'' and it's by James Thompson. Howard played the song for Robin.
Gary said Dancing with the Stars is so bad so he was going back and forth between that and a game. Howard said he had to beat off last night. He said as you get older there are times that nothing is happening. He said you're tugging on it and the feeling of an orgasm comes over you without actually having it. He said that he had some patience and tried to go longer. Howard said he went and watched a MILF teaching her step-daughter how to blow a guy. Howard said the girl was asking how to blow a guy so the mom teaches her. Howard said the boyfriend is over and the step-mom is there giving the guy a hand job. Howard said he's watching the mom give the hand job and he stuck with it. Howard said the mom is sucking the guy's ball while the girl is blowing him. Howard said that got him and he blew a load. Howard said he did that and watched Dancing with the Stars and started looking at the women on that show. Howard said he's so heterosexual.
Howard said he thinks he's matured in a way even though that story doesn't tell that. Howard said maybe he hasn't. He said that he doesn't lust after other women. He said he beats off for medicinal purposes. Howard said he can't explain why he looks at the Dancing with the Stars girls. Gary said that show is so old fashioned and it's terrible. Robin said she thinks that her parents would have loved it. Howard said his parents love it. He said they can't hear TV so it's so loud when they watch. He said they lost the heat in their house last year so they stayed with him. He said they put the show on and the sound was so loud.
Howard did a taste test between Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks. Howard said his mother told him that Dunkin' Donuts is better. He said Gary has written on the bottom of the cups which one is which. Howard said Carol Leifer told him last night that only old people say that Dunkin' Donuts is better than Starbucks. Howard tried each cup of coffee. Howard sniffed them and then took a sip. Howard picked one and it was Starbucks. Howard said there is no comparison. He said one tasted like water and one was like coffee. Howard tried them again. He tasted them and smacked his lips. Howard said that Dunkin' Donuts was like water. Robin said she doesn't like the Starbucks taste herself. Howard said he's not being paid by either of these companies. Gary said according to Hanzi he is paid by one of them.
Gary said on Dancing with the Stars Bindi Irwin is on and she came out and danced to ''Crocodile Rock'' because her father was the crocodile hunter. Gary said there was a woman on with her husband and she was kind of hot. Howard asked why Eli Manning is getting beaten up in the press. Gary told Howard that he ran the clock out and he shouldn't have. They spent a couple of minutes talking about football.
Howard picked up on Jeff again who said he only yells at the douche bags. Shuli said that he gets tweets from people every day saying that Jeff is blocking them for no reason. Howard asked how Jeff can afford Dunkin' Donuts. Jeff said he makes it at home. He said he can buy it with his food stamps.
Howard got The Lump on the phone and The Lump asked what Jeff needs coffee for. He said he doesn't do anything. Howard asked what Jeff can't buy with his food stamps. Jeff said he can't get toilet paper. He said he can't buy cigarettes either. Howard said he just did a side by side and he's a Starbucks guy. Jeff said ''Fuck Starbucks.'' Howard said Jeff is angry.
Fred said that you can't buy soap or toothpaste or even deodorant with food stamps. Howard said you can buy coffee but not all of that. Howard said he didn't know you could buy Dunkin' Donuts at the food store.
Jeff said that the TV was a hoax. He said that some of the other stuff was too. The Lump said no one cares. Howard said he's right. Howard played a song parody for Jeff but cut it off after a few seconds.
Shuli said Jeff changed his cell number and he won't give it to him again. He said he has a home phone and a cell line. Howard asked how he pays for that. Jeff said he had a bill for his internet that was $460. Howard asked how he's going to pay for that. Howard asked why he works to make a living if Jeff can do this without working. Howard said he's sure people would send him free shit. Howard said he told Ralph about this and he was thinking about people sending him free shit too. Howard said he has a lump on his face too. Howard said Jeff has a GoFundMe to help pay for his internet. The Lump said he also has a GoFuckMe.
Shuli said he thought he had someone who was going to help pay for his internet. Jeff said that was a hoax too. Shuli said that he gets that a lot. He said he had a girl who he thought was going to fuck him and that turned out to be a scam. The Lump said Shawskank wouldn't fuck this guy. Jeff was on Periscope and said that girl is on there now. Shuli said she's probably got a penis. The Lump said she probably can't wait to not fuck him.
Howard said Jeff doesn't realize that the chick is them. He said that they'll have her type that she's going to fuck him. The Lump said it's a chick named Memet. Shuli said Jeff called him yelling at him about the hoax with the items. Shuli said he already said it but Jeff thought he was giving them the idea to do it when it had already been done. Jeff went off on The Lump and said ''Fuck you Lump!'' Howard asked The Lump if Jeff ever tries to cut him off his body. The Lump said he has but it hasn't worked so far. Howard said Jeff had that disgusting cyst on his ass. The Lump said that Jeff is all cyst. He said Jeff is attached to him. Howard said he has to go pee. He said he'll see them later. The Lump said he has to go piss... into Jeff's mouth. Howard said Jeff has nothing to say. The Lump said Jeff couldn't get pussy even if it was on his Wishlist. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he loves Asian Pete. He said he's good. He said he can carry a tune. Howard said he begged him to go on America's Got Talent. Howard said he has a song about Pete. He played that song which was about how they can't figure out if he's Asian or just not understandable. Howard said that was by Psych.
Howard said Neil Patrick Harris is there and he's going to have his new live TV show premiere tonight. Howard asked if he's going to nap today. Neil said he doesn't think so. He said they're working through stuff today for the live show. He said he too July off to relax. Howard said he has a bead on this finally. He said he's debuting his show tonight and he is comparing that to Carol Burnett's show. Howard said that he had her on yesterday. Howard said they're going to do comedy, sketches and have music. Neil said he's absolutely wrong. He said it's a variety of segments and it's based on a UK show that's been on for 12 seasons. He said they have two hosts and the audience is included in the fun. He said they have game show elements, hidden camera stuff and things like that. He said it's more like an America's Got Talent with a big finale. He said it's like a big party.
Howard asked if they do it live so things can get screwed up. Neil said sure. Howard said that can be risky. Neil said it can be but TV is in a weird position right now. He said you can watch anything at any time and it's not live. He said you don't have to be home to watch TV. He said live is great because they want to create a show that's like a party and everyone can see. He said the people who are live want to be there to see it.
Howard said Carol Burnett told him that she never wanted to do a sitcom where she does the same thing week after week. Neil said he did 9 years on How I Met Your Mother. He said he loves playing Barney Stinson. He said it was a great character to play. Howard said he did Doogie Howser which was 4 seasons. He said it's almost unheard of to have that much success with two shows. Neil said it is.
Howard said Neil was very theatrical when he was a kid. Howard said he loved Broadway plays and things like that. Howard said he came out at 13 to his mother. Neil said it was actually much older. He said he was 20-something.
Howard said Neil went to a theater camp at 11 or so. Howard said one of the people who worked there put him in a Whoopi Goldberg movie. Neil said it was Mark Medoff. He said he was in New Mexico and that's where the camp was. Neil said he was on the very youngest end of the age range. Howard said that most kids go to camp and they don't get anything. Howard said he must have been shocked he was picked to do a movie with Whoopi Goldberg. Neil said they never expected it to happen in New Mexico.
Howard said they must have auditioned him with Whoopi. Howard said the movie tanked though. Neil said it did okay. Howard said Roger Ebert didn't give him a good review. Howard said Roger said he was miscast. Howard asked if his parents tried to keep that from him. Neil said his parents treated them like adults and didn't keep things from them. Neil said it was kind of crushing to hear that from Roger Ebert. Neil said watching yourself in a movie is more head fucky than making the movie. Neil said he didn't the gig at first. Then they changed directors and they had him come back out. He said he walked in and there was Whoopi Goldberg. He said it was all surreal. He said he got the gig and it was super cool. He said he was in learning mode. He said he loves to experience stuff.
Howard said after he made that movie he went back to high school. Howard said the kids must look at him like a god. Neil said not really. He said the movie wasn't out yet. He said he doesn't really remember those times. Howard said he should have auditioned for something himself. Neil said he was one of the last kids to go through puberty. He said he still looked like a kid when he got Doogie Howser.
Neil said when you see yourself in a movie you look at yourself in an odd way. He said he had to be in a speedo because he was a swimmer in the movie. He said he hadn't gone through puberty yet so he looked odd.
Howard said then Neil got the movie Purple People Eater. Howard said Neil is one of the nicest people off the air. He said that he has a reputation for being an awful person. Howard said that the director of that movie thought he was terrible. Neil said he made this movie and he went back to New Mexico and went to work at a restaurant. He said that he got the call for this Purple People Eater movie. He said that he was going to be the boy in the movie and they had Little Richard and other people like Shelly Winters. Neil said she was crazy pants. Neil said he went and did the movie and he had a lot of energy. He said Dustin Diamond was in it too. Howard said Dustin said that Neil offended everyone on the set. Neil said the director, Linda Shane, was very stressed over the production. He said that Shelly Winters would refuse to come out of her trailer because they didn't have a pillow for her. He said he was like 12 and one day Linda unleashed on him and said if the movie is a failure it was his fault. He said he thinks that she was trying to motivate him. Neil said at the end of the shoot he burst into tears. He said it's really lame to do that to a 12 year old kid.
Howard said when Neil turned 17 he got the job on the Doogie Howser show. Howard said that it was a Steven Bochco show. Neil said his parents didn't want to move to L.A. unless it was a Steven Bochco show. Howard said it turns out that's what the show was. Howard said he got the part so the whole family moved to California. Howard said his parents took a lot of shit for being on the set all the time. Neil said it's really hard for any parent to be on the set like that. He said they all have the reputation for being hard to deal with.
Howard said he is blown out that his parents did that for him. Howard said his dad would have been like ''fuck you.'' Howard said they say that they put the script in the body when he was operating on someone. Neil said he did that. He said he had to read a lot of medical jargon. Neil said he would do that and put them all over the place. He said he was only 16 when he started on that show. He said they had to limit how many hours he worked. He said he had school for 3 hours total. He said he'd do 20 minutes of school at a time. He said they had a guy looking at his clock as he was in ''school'' for 11 minutes. Howard said that's such a wrong message to send to kids.
Howard said Neil turned 17 and rented a house of his own. Neil said he smoked a lot of pot in those days. Howard said he read that he was fucking some hot chick. Neil said that was Eden Sassoon. He said that was his girlfriend for a while. Neil said he dated Robin Lively too. Howard said that it must not have done anything for him. Neil said it was fun. He said that he thinks things through a lot. He said that he thought about sex a lot and he wasn't going ''Ewe, this is grody'' when he was making out. He said it never really clicked with anyone. He said he fingered a girl and he thought he had to see how far his finger would go inside her. He said that's how things went for him. He said he had his hand in a girl's pants and he thought the further in he went the better it would be for her. He said that's not the way it works. Howard said he doesn't think it's any different for any other guy. Howard said he worried about not being laughed at. Neil said girls are emotional too so he wondered if she was liking it or not. Howard said Neil fucked some girls. He asked if it was pleasurable. Neil said sure it was. He said anything rubbing on your penis feels good.
Howard asked if he panicked when things fell apart for him. Neil said in the mid-90s you had to declare if you were in TV or Movies. He said he was on TV so he couldn't go do movies. He said that Steven Bochco told him to just wait and things would come to him. He said that things come in waves. Neil said he was working in a couple of things. He said he'd work on TV movies and things like that. He said he was out partying too. He said that he'd do a movie a year and that would pay for the year.
Howard said Neil eventually came out to his parents and then he did the Tony Robins thing where he told him to embrace Doogie and don't be afraid of it. Neil said that Tony is great. He said he had to commit to do a group kind of thing and go see Tony. He said that he had to be willing to change. He said that you interact with people who have stories that are fucking crazy. Neil said that it was crazy to him that he was recognized from a TV show. Neil said that he was interacting with people who were raped by their uncle for 11 years. He said it put things in perspective for him.
Howard asked Neil about getting on the computer in chat rooms early on. Neil said he did that. Howard said then he got How I Met Your Mother and Harold And Kumar. Neil said that he had fun doing those things. Howard said then he hosted the Oscars and the Tony awards. Neil said that he knew it was going to be difficult to do the Oscars. He said he thought some of it was horrible but there is a lot of expectation to watch it. He said that people have no idea how much goes into that show. He said he has a 20 minute story about each part of the show. He said it's crazy. Howard said he had Ellen Degeneres on and she said she doesn't think she'd do it again. Howard said he thinks the Oscars are a great preparation for this new show. Neil thanked him for swinging over to that. He said he thinks that the Oscars are in trouble a little bit. He said it used to be just a singular movie award but other shows are happening and this is the last one in the cycle. He said it's the 14th of the season and everyone is bored with it and they know who is going to win. He said he thinks they should break it down into best blockbuster and best small movie. He said they have 10 nominees for one award and they should break it down into more categories. He said it's the movies that are nominated that get viewers. Neil said it's hard to come up with content if you didn't see all of the movies or if the audience hasn't seen them.
Neil said Star Wars will come out and be the number one movie ever. He said he can almost guarantee it won't win for best movie. He said that he's not sure why it wouldn't win.
Howard said it's a thankless job for the host. He said you have to be edgy but you can get in trouble for going over the edge. Howard said Neil came out in his underwear and got crap for that. Howard asked if he reads reviews. Neil said he reads it all. Howard asked if it affects him. Neil said it really doesn't. Howard asked if people on Twitter bother him. Neil said not really. He said it's like a weird escalator. He said that he never goes on and says anything to anyone but people will come on and say stuff to him but he doesn't care.
Howard said tonight is the big night for Neil. Howard asked if he will check the ratings. Neil said that is the key. He said he will be watching them. Howard said that people will check out the show. Neil said he thinks that they have a chance. He said they are the neighbor to America's Got Talent and The Voice. Howard said that you can't go wrong with the time slot. Neil said NBC is the best with variety. Neil said he thinks it's spectacular that Howard did America's Got Talent and it worked. He said he is a good judge and he took it seriously. He said they shoot it well but he knows Howard hates the extra stuff they shoot. He said they had them in a car for an hour and they showed none of it. He said they do live very well too.
Neil said he's been stressed for the past 10 days so far. He said that they have been working on this show for a long time. He said that they have been following some of these audience members for months and they have no idea. He said that the payoff will be tonight. He said that it's possible that some of them may not show up tonight. Howard said you have to hope that they react the right way. Neil said they have an unbelievable production team. He said they know how to do this stuff under cover and that's a big part of the show. Howard said if the show hits this time he's going to make it big. He said he's a producer on the show. Neil said he's an executive producer. Robin said he's doing this every week. Neil said it's for just 8 weeks though. He said they have special announcers each week too. He has Nicole Scherzinger on with him as his co-host. Neil said she is so hot. He said you see her in person and she's even hotter. Howard asked if her tits are real. Neil said he'll ask her tonight.
Howard said Carol Burnett had Lyle Waggoner on her show as the hot guy. Howard said he's going to tune in just to see Nicole. Neil said he loves to hear that. He said he cast her in a play once and she stole the show. He said she's great. Neil said they have a little guy who will be like a little N.P.H. He said Ricky Martin is going to come on and sing too. He said he's going to throw to a person watching the show live with a hidden camera in their TV. He said that they can win if they can finish a lyric to a song. Neil said that's the kind of stuff they'll be doing.
Howard said they should get that Kim Davis on their show. Howard said that woman has been married 4 times. Neil said he thinks it's going to play out okay in the long run. Howard said that when Huckabee was there with her it was like a convention of ugly people. Howard said it was a bunch of angry heterosexuals who can't get laid.
Howard asked Neil if he is happy in his marriage. Neil cut him off and asked if he would do a guest announcer thing on his show. Howard said no way. Neil said that he can get him there early for a show. Howard said he is a miserable asshole and he really doesn't want him there. Neil said he would be fucking amazing. Howard said he's done. He said he's done with TV. He said he's just going to sit home. He said he loved doing America's Got Talent but he's done. Neil said he doesn't believe him. Howard said if they shot it at his apartment maybe he'd do it.
Neil said that things with the kids and husband are great. He said that they're living in Harlem. Howard said Neil's apartment will be worth millions in 2075. Neil said to find an apartment the size they needed in New York City they had to go to Harlem. He said it would have been millions to buy one in Manhattan.
Howard said David is stuck at home with the kids now that he's doing this show. Neil said David did a musical for months so they got back an forth. Robin asked how they make this work. Neil said they have a nanny that helps.
Howard thanked Neil for coming in. He said he's done it all in his life. Neil said he has one thing to say to him. He said that Howard won't shit in airplanes. He said he is afraid of the stink. Neil said he has a solution. He said he has no choice but to shit on a plane. Neil said when you take a dump just flush the toilet. He said it's a courtesy flush. He said after that you wash your hands and if you waft them around it's like an air freshener. He said it works. Robin asked if he really believes this works. Neil said it does work. Howard said there's a hidden camera segment there. Neil said he thinks of Howard every time he shits on a plane.
Howard asked Neil to talk to him about Elton John. Howard said he feels like he was in love with Neil. Neil said Elton had a crush on him when he was playing Doogie. Howard said he thinks that he tried to seduce him. Neil said that he did kiss him on the lips at the Tonys. Neil said he wasn't attracted to him though. Howard asked if there was any chemistry at all. Neil said Elton is just a saucy Brit. He said what's fun about Elton is that he's so royal and he's Sir Elton John. He said he's filthy in private. He said he says hilarious things. He said that he has vacationed with Elton and hung out with him a lot. He said that he can't share what he says. Howard said Elton will walk around making up filthy lyrics to his own songs. Neil said it's hilarious to hear him saying these things. Howard asked if he tried to get him on his show. Neil said they did but he's just too busy.
Howard said Neil hangs out with Elton and his husband. Neil said they do. He said they ran into Elton's David at a nude beach in Greece. He said he wasn't sure if he should go say hi to him. Neil said he did and they ended up going to Nobu in Greece. He said it was cool. He said he and David told David Furnish that they were pregnant and they were going to have a child in 4 months. Then Furnish told them that they were doing the same thing. He said they bonded over that. Neil said they ended up getting together every year after that.
Howard said Neil and David have two kids and they don't know who the father is. Howard said they both jerk off into a cup and mix it together. Neil said they did that and then they pick the best ones. He said they can grade them now. He said they took their best two sperm and had an egg donor who they don't know. He said they knew the history of the woman but that was it. Howard said the kids are incredibly good looking. Howard asked if they asked for specific things like a high IQ and things like that. Neil said it's not that specific. He said they see pictures and know some of the genetic traits. Neil said they wanted a female who looked similar to them. He said they got to see pictures of the woman and they got some test results of tests that she took. He said he wanted to see her processing information and things like that. Neil said they put in two of her eggs and two of their sperm and they put those into the belly of the surrogate. He said he's not sure that's the best way to have kids. He said anyone who does that clearly wants to have kids. He said you're not going to find a lot of same sex couples accidentally getting pregnant.
Howard said he thinks that it's a great way to have kids. He said that the kids are going to be bright and maybe they'll invent the internet or something. He said that he's looking for the kids to do something extraordinary. Neil said he just wants them to do what they want to do. He said he doesn't want to push them toward something that you like. He said Gideon loves Pac-Man and he's not sure why. He said that he wants to watch video of Pac-Man on YouTube. Howard said he's wasting his time with that. Neil said that they have the kids in school now and it's writing a lot of essays and stuff all year long. Neil said he came from New Mexico so he doesn't have a long lineage of Yale or Harvard. He said you have to get into the right schools now. Howard asked what he's going to do when the parents find out it's Neil Patrick Harris' kid. He said they're all going to want to come over and check out the house. Neil said he would want to go to their house and see what they're like. Howard said that someone might come over and slip and fall. He said then it's a really big deal. Neil said he's a big believer in Karma. He said he thinks he'll be alright.
Neil told Howard that David is doing Transcendental Meditation now. He said that he doesn't have the time to do it himself. Howard said he has to start doing it. Neil said as soon as the show is done he'll go to learn about how to do it. Howard said he still does it every day. He said he does it before and after the show. Howard said he works with Benjy and Fred so he needs it. Neil said he loves Fred on the show. Fred wished him luck on the show tonight. Neil thanked him for that.
Howard asked Neil if he would let Benjy do announcing on the show. Benjy asked what the name of the show is. Neil said it's The Best Time Ever and Reese Witherspoon is announcing. Benjy did an announcer thing it didn't go over that well. Howard gave Neil some plugs for his show that's live at 10 tonight on NBC. Howard wished him luck and said he really is a great guy. Neil said he thinks the show is stuffed with a lot of great stuff. Neil said they have game show elements in it and he wanted to be a game show host. Howard said he did too. Neil said he did some game show pilots. He said they never took off. Neil said he was going to do The Cube but Guy Fieri did one similar to that first and it didn't work out.
Howard asked if Neil was wearing an Apple watch. Neil said he is. He said he likes it. Howard asked if he's worried about the radiation. Neil said everything is Bluetooth now and the waves are all over the place.
Howard said they learned one thing today. They leaned that Benjy is no Stuttering John. Howard said he had his announcing chance. Howard said they learned that Neil has a new show and Neil is asking everyone to watch it. Neil said he's going to be doing an extreme pogoing thing on the show tonight. He said it's really tough.
Howard said Neil loves magic. Neil said he was the president of a magic group. Howard said he used to hang out with Penn and Teller. Neil said Teller is really smart. He said he talks a lot when he's not on stage. Neil said that America's Got Talent has done a lot of magic in a great way. He said his show is less about him and more of him being the ringmaster. He said if they have magic it may be someone else doing it.
Neil asked who Howard thinks will win America's Got Talent. Howard said he believes that the 10 people they have are the best final they've ever had. Howard said it's not heavy singing and dancing. Howard said it's specialty acts. He said they have a really good 10. Howard said they have an interesting mix of people. Howard said he believes that Stevie Starr the regurgitator or the ventriloquist will win. Howard said that they shortened up the cycle this year and he likes that. Howard said the one girl who got knocked off by the ladder guy was really good. Howard said he thinks it will be either Stevie Starr or the Ventriloquist. Howard said that Piff may be the third element in there. Howard gave Neil some more plugs and wrapped up. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he loves this song. Howard asked Robin if she wanted to sit there and wait for him to remember her name. Robin blurted out ''It's Fiona Apple.''
Howard sang along with the song a little bit. Howard said she's such an angry broad. Howard said she yells at the audience. Howard said she gets angry over air. He said she's overly sensitive. Howard said when she used to come on the show she'd get angry. He said he loves her though. He said she seems miserable but she can sing her ass off.
Howard said they incorporated Robin's singing into a phony phone call. Howard said they had Chris Wilding call up a sports show and he starts screaming that he's got some great singers and he's a talent agent. Howard played the call and Chris called into this sports show asking if they book music acts. He said he had some demo tapes. He had audio of Jeff the Drunk and Carly Simon singing ''Mocking Bird.'' They hung up on him but then he calls back with Robin singing ''I Will Always Love You.'' They hung up on him again. They said that Whitney Houston would be rolling around in her grave. Then Chris calls back with Underdog Lady singing and they hang up on him again. Howard said he loved that they said that if Whitney Houston was alive she'd e rolling over in her grave.
Howard said that Emily Ratajkowski is upset that people bring up that she was in the Blurred Lines video. Howard said she's such a dummy. He said that she should embrace it. He said she's such a talentless woman. He said she should just shut up. Howard read the article where they talked about her being upset about it. Howard said she should change her last name to ''Blurred Lines.'' He said her last name is so hard to figure out. Howard said she must think her own shit doesn't stink. Howard said she's so used to getting her way. In the article they say that Emily says she's over Blurred Lines and posing naked. Howard said she says that she's shocked at the controversy over getting naked. Howard said she says that she was told to never apologize for her sexuality. She also says she hopes people get over her appearance in Blurred Lines. She said now it's the bane of her existence. Howard said that's all we know about her. He said it's naked titties dancing around Robin Thicke. Howard said it's kind of the only thing she's done. Howard told her to shut up. He asked why people are so stupid.
Howard said she is hot though so he'd listen to her if she was in the studio. Howard said now that she's not there he can think straight. Howard said if she did something new maybe they would stop thinking about what she did 3 years ago.
Robin said that Emily Clarke from Game of Thrones is talking about how sex scenes should be more subtle and there should be less of them. Robin said that she said to her bosses 2 years ago she didn't want to do nude scenes anymore. Howard said he saw her in the Terminator movie and she was god awful. Howard said she had no sensuality at all. Howard said that she wasn't good in the part. Howard said that she was on Game of Thrones because she was willing to get topless. Howard said she played the Khaleesi and she got topless. Howard said now she's decided that she's an actress but she got the part because she was willing to be topless. Howard said he wants them to throw her off the show and get a new Khaleesi. Howard said that would be like replacing the Darren on Bewitched. Howard said that they should get Caitlyn Jenner to be the new Khaleesi. Howard said he hopes one of her dragons eats her and shits her out.
Howard said he read that Ringo Starr is selling off his Beatles memorabilia. Howard said he's thinking he doesn't have a lot of money. Howard said Ringo didn't write the songs and the big money was in the publishing. Howard said he had some solo hits but they were all written by other people. Howard said he's not saying he's broke but they never really toured so he doesn't have touring money. Howard said he's saying that some of the proceeds will go to charity. Howard said there are over 800 items going to auction. Howard said he's selling a drum kit. He said they say that McCartney played them on an album too. Howard said it doesn't make a lot of sense. Howard said he's selling his guitar that John Lennon gave to him. Howard said Ringo is wondering what he's going to do with all of this stuff he has in storage. He played the ''Peace and love'' message that Ringo made years ago. Howard said they should send him a bunch of fan mail. Robin said she's thinking that he couldn't monetize that stuff so he put an end to it.
Howard read more about what Ringo is selling off and they say that some pieces could sell for half a million. Howard said that he's not sure why anyone would want that stuff. Howard said if he had it he'd end up throwing it into storage too. Howard said they say that his guitar may go for $6-800,000. Howard said there are other things like a car and bongos and shit. Howard said he's thinking Ringo doesn't have a lot of money.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they can ban Jeff the Drunk and Bobo together. Howard said he's not alone in that thinking. Howard read some email he's gotten about Bobo lately. The caller said he's pissed that Jeff is getting all of this free stuff. Howard said it wasn't even Jeff's idea to have the Wishlist. The caller said Jeff is such a dick. Howard said that's what's funny about it. He said Bobo always has a written down question. He said he's curious about that though.
Howard played Bobo in with a song parody about him. Howard said that was Eli Braden's song. Howard got Bobo on the line and Bobo said that he wants to say something to the fans. He said that he thinks they should call in with their crazy scary questions. Howard asked Bobo if he ever thinks that he is a turn off. Bobo said you can't please them all. He said it's also jealousy. He said he gets it all the time on Facebook and Twitter.
Bobo asked Howard about saying that he had Gary, Mary and Louis C.K. at his house. He asked if he asked Fred over. Howard said he didn't ask him but he has had Fred to his house many times. Howard said Fred never has him over to his house but he thanks him for that. He said he'd prefer not to go there. Howard said Fred is into doing his own thing.
Bobo asked Howard part 2 of his question. He asked Howard if he does retire... Howard cut him off and said this sounds like an old question. Bobo said he's not done yet. He asked if he'll get closer to Fred if he retires. Howard said he's as close as he's going to get. Howard said off the show they don't socialize. He said it's maybe twice a year. Howard said he's starting to resent Bobo himself now. Bobo told Howard not to let the fans sway him. Howard said he won't. Fred said he thinks that Bobo has a very high rate of haters. He said the fans may be targeting him though.
Howard said they have a ''Small talk with JD and Elephant Boy'' bit that they put together. They had Elephant Boy asking JD some questions and JD talking to him about girlfriends.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn. Howard said people hate her too. He said he'll continue to take her calls though. Mariann told Howard that they changed the time of the finale to 9-11 tomorrow night. Howard said he thought he was working from 8-9. Howard said he is going to leave at 10. Howard said tonight he's working from 8-10. Howard said he loves he has to get this from Mariann. Howard said tonight is the usual. Howard said he has his outfit picked out already. Howard said Wednesday night he has to work 9-11. Mariann said they changed the time. She kept talking over Howard so he hung up on her.
Howard said that he should do the show from bed. He said someone asked if they're going to let everyone know he's leaving. Howard said they should do something but he's not sure if they will. Howard said they didn't do anything for Piers. Howard said that wasn't under good terms though. Howard said it wasn't that clear he was leaving until after. He said they might give him a send off but maybe not. He said that they didn't do that for Sharon. Howard said maybe they're doing an hour long send off and that's why the show is going longer. Howard said he thinks he was a fair judge. He said he thinks he came out smelling like a rose. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard said he has a couple of Baba Booeys that went down. Howard said this one was on MSNBC. Howard played the clip and a reporter was out on the street when a fan yelled out Baba Booey. Howard said he has to thank whoever that was.
Howard said golfer Ian Poulter was asked about the Baba Booey thing and he doesn't like it. Howard played that clip too. Ian said he thinks it's stupid when people yell it out when you're playing golf.
Howard said Bernie Sanders was on the show in 2005 and he stood up for them when the FCC was after them. Howard played a clip from the show when he talked to Bernie about moving to satellite radio.
Howard said it's amazing that the religious groups were raising money fighting him and then he went to satellite radio. Howard said then you hear some government dingbats talking about how they wanted to censor satellite radio. Howard played another clip of Bernie Sanders talking about the FCC fines and how he found them to be unconstitutional. Bernie said we don't want the government controlling things that we want to pay for.
Howard said he has spoken to both front runners. He said he's spoken to Bernie and Trump. Robin said that she's looking at a poll now that says Ben Carson is getting closer.
Howard said Jonathan Edwards was on the Wrap Up Show and he did a song parody about Bobo. Howard played the original and then his song parody of ''Sunshine (Go Away Today).'' Robin said that was beautiful.
Howard took a call from the guy who called in earlier about Bobo. He said that Bobo thinks this is jealousy but it's really just that Bobo is boring. Vince said he has a lot of questions that he wants to ask. He said he wants to know when Robin last got some action. Robin said she's out of commission.
Howard had a clip from Dancing with the Stars where Gary Busey was being Gary Busey. He was rambling a lot so Tom Bergeron said he'll have to get a transcript later. Robin asked if this is an act. Howard said this is what happens when you have a brain injury. Howard said he fell off a motorcycle. Howard said that poor dance partner has to spend 10 hours a day with him.
Howard played another clip of Busey talking after he got his scores. Busey was reading cue cards that he wasn't supposed to. Howard said he didn't see it but Gary did. He said Gary told him that Busey was dancing very robot like when he was dancing. Howard said they are missing out with Len not being there now.
Howard said he was talking to this comedian kid on America's Got Talent about his laughing at his own jokes. He said if he had to sit through an hour of that it would get fatiguing. Howard said he got booed for that. Howard said he got a lot of tweets asking why he's being mean. Howard said he's trying to be honest with the kid. He said he thinks he has to make an adjustment. He said even the kid got mad at him for saying it and it was total bullshit. Howard said he was trying to be helpful but forget it. Howard said he likes the kid but now he won't even look at him. He said the kid isn't perfect and he needs some work. He said he'll say that but if you do then people get pissed. Howard said if the guy was rocking the world with his act he wouldn't be on America's Got Talent.
Howard said the guy who fell off the ladder may have made a good move for falling off. Howard said he may not have gone on to the next round if he hadn't fallen. Robin said he was going to do some other act but whatever it was wouldn't have gotten him through.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Howard thinks Heidi changed her hair trying to look like Beth. Howard said maybe. He said he agrees that she does look more like Beth. Robin said she thinks Heidi really wants Howard. Howard said that Heidi and her boyfriend Vito are good. Howard said he thinks Heidi was really into him when they started working together. Howard said she probably wouldn't admit it though.
Howard said they were backstage the other day and he asked her about the men's underwear line she sells. Howard said he asked her if she wears her own underwear. She said yes and lifted up her dress to show him. Howard said she had body jewelry on and he was like ''Whoa!'' Howard said girls don't do that unless they're into you. He said he acted real cool and asked her to put the dress down. Howard said he told her not to be so desperate. Howard said that was as Howie's tongue was hanging out of his mouth.
Howard said he was talking about how eating a lot of pussy could lead to tongue cancer. Howard said Bruce Dickinson never smoked but he has tongue cancer. He said that he thinks it's from HPV. Howard had a clip from Eddie Trunk's radio show where Bruce was talking about that. Bruce said that there is a 500 percent increase in oral cancer in men over 50. Howard said he would never eat pussy again if he had to live his life over. Howard said he was pretty voracious in the past. He said that he knows guys with this and they had a lot of bad pussy. Robin said Benjy was one of those guys. Howard said all guys are like that.
Benjy said that it's been medically linked for years. Howard said that guys are desperate to please some broad they don't know and meanwhile they have a Petri dish down there and they're putting their tongues there. Howard said that there is all kinds of shit going on down there. He said he would never do it again if he had to live his life over.
Benjy said kids growing up today may be vaccinated against it some day. Howard said maybe but he wouldn't do it over again. Howard said Fred had a whole summer of eating nothing but pussy. Fred said that was pre-HPV though. Howard said he should eat ass instead.
Howard said speaking of eating ass he has a clip to play. Howard asked the guys where it was. Howard said it was a Rusty Trombone thing. Howard asked Robin if she knows what that is. Howard explained what it was. Howard said this clip is a woman giving a guy a rusty trombone. Howard played the clip and the woman was talking about sucking his asshole and rubbing his cock. Howard said she's playing that thing like the Glen Miller of asshole.
Howard said he's going to do a mash up of James Brown's ''I Feel Good'' and the rusty trombone thing. Howard played the song and the clips. Fred said that works.
Howard said he has Gary playing the trumpet with the rusty trombone clip mixed in. Howard played another clip where they had 76 rusty trombones. Howard did a live commercial read after that. Howard said if he signs on with the company again they have to let him prerecord the commercials. He did the live read and then went to break.
Howard said it's getting cold in there. He said he was hot but they put the air on and it was too cold. Howard picked up on Wendy the Slow Adult who said she appreciates everything Howard has done for her helping her out. She said that she has been in a very bad mood and she can't sleep at night. She said she would do anything to earn the money from him. She said she would be his maid. Howard said imagine that.
Howard said Jon Leiberman is there and he has heard some things about Wendy. Howard said he heard that she's been depressed and she's thinking about robbing a ''money truck.'' Howard asked what her plan is. Wendy said that some of her fans told her to dress up like Freddy Kruger. Howard said that might work. Jon Leiberman said that Wendy has been sending him pictures of the trucks she's thinking of robbing. Robin said imagine she ends up in jail for that. Howard said this would be the slow adult crime of the century. Howard said she would be the retarded Jesse James. Wendy said that her mom has been helping her out a lot and she doesn't get a lot of money. Howard said that's life. Wendy said she understands that. Howard said he heard she's upset about the other Wack Packers who are on the Amazon Wishlist and she doesn't get her own. Wendy said she gets things from her fans but not a lot. She said she
Howard said that Wendy is going to dress in a very sexy outfit and get almost nude to distract the driver of the armored truck. Howard said that she's going to shit her diaper and the stench will knock them out. Wendy said yes to all of that when Howard asked if that's how she's going to do it. Wendy said she's at Crystal's hamburger place. Jon asked if she brought her cats there. Wendy said she left them at home. Jon said that she loses her cats sometimes.
Jon said Wendy has a book on her wishlist and it's about how to win at scratch off tickets. Wendy said she's not doing that lately because she doesn't have the money. Howard said Wendy is chubby enough to be both Bonnie and Clyde. Howard asked how she's going to evade the police if she smells like shit. Wendy said she's going to change her diaper since she carries a bunch with her.
Howard asked how much she thinks is in a money truck. Wendy said that it might be $10,000. Howard said he's short on time so what he's going to do is say he loves her. He said do not rob a truck. Howard told her not to even joke about it. Wendy said she's not but she's trying to help her mom the best she can. Wendy was trying to tell a story but no one understood what she was talking about. Howard said that he should change her name to Wendy the Slow Story Teller.
Jon said Wendy had a nice breakfast yesterday. Wendy said someone helped them with that. Howard asked her if she takes a dump after that and it looks like a big French toast. Wendy said yes to anything he asked. He asked if it comes out in multiple pieces. Wendy said it's about 20 pieces. Howard asked if it clogs the bowl. Wendy said it does. Howard asked if the doody and water floats to the top and hits her in the ass. She said yes. She said the doody gets on the floor. She said she will stick her hand in the bowl to flush it. She said she does this in McDonald's. Howard asked if she has slipped on her own feces. Wendy said yes. She said she's fallen and passed out in her own feces. Howard said this is fascinating. Howard asked her about how dirty her hands are and Robin asked if she has heard of Shittens. Wendy said yes to everything. Howard had her rub her feces covered fingernails on the phone.
Howard asked Wendy if she ever scratches her head with her nails and gets feces in her hair. Wendy said yes to that too. She said that feces falls into her food. Howard asked what her thoughts on Donald Trump are. She said he's hot and she thinks that it would help the homeless if he was President. Wendy started to tell a story about helping homeless people but she was going on and on so Howard talked over her. Howard said Wendy is giving Trump the retarded vote. Robin corrected him and said ''slow adult.''
Howard asked Wendy if she's ever almost gotten thrown out as a pile of doody because there was so much in her hair. Wendy said yes. Jon said Wendy almost got dumped when she was dumpster diving one time. Howard wrapped up with Wendy and let her go. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how people who are homophobic are more prone to being hostile toward others. Robin read the details of a study that was done about that.
Howard said he had a guy on the phone who claimed he got throat cancer from eating pussy. He hung up though. Howard said he was about to pick up. He said maybe he died while waiting on hold.
Robin said Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to replace Donald Trump on The Apprentice. Howard said that's a good move on NBC's part. Howard said he was wondering how they were going to keep that going. Robin said Arnold is a former governor. Howard said Arnold should get he maid to be his assistant. Howard said that would be such a coup d'etat for NBC. Robin had some audio of Jimmy Fallon doing his Arnold impression and giving Arnold some suggestions for what he could use to fire people on the show.
Robin read a story about fast food restaurants with antibiotics in their meats. Robin said that Panera and Chipotle are rated at A with other restaurants coming in lower than that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about condoms in porn. Howard said he doesn't like it in porn. Howard said he uses them but he hates seeing them in porn. He said he won't watch if he sees them. Howard said he has no explanation for this. He said he's not sure why it's a turn off.
Robin read a story about a man who was killed at a college and how another man at the school may have been responsible and they may have been in a love triangle.
Robin read a story about the pope coming to visit the United States. Robin said he's going to be there and the UN thing is going to be going on at the same time. Robin said it's going to be a traffic nightmare. Howard said you can't even move when something like that happens. Robin said that they say he's going to visit all kinds of places and he likes to get out and press the flesh so he may be holding things up even more. Howard said they need to take a vacation.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that condoms are a turn off in real life so they're a turn off in porn. Howard said he doesn't find them to be a turn off in real life. Howard said that explanation doesn't hold up.
Robin read more about the pope's visit and had some audio of the police commissioner talking about the security that they'll have in the city. Robin said he's going to be in Central Park and in Madison Square Garden. Robin read about some of the celebrities who will be taking part in next Friday night's gathering.
Robin read a story about the Playboy list of party schools. Robin said Ohio University is number 1 on the list. Robin said the University of Iowa is number 2 and Florida State is number 3.
Robin read a story about Forbes putting out the list of most lucrative sports franchises. The Cowboys came in at number 1. Robin said they have fans all over and they are the number one all over the world.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's in medical school. He said he has more info on throat cancer. He said that it is linked to HPV. He said that type 16 has a vaccination. Howard said they should be teaching this in school. The caller said that he was looking at the stats and it's one of those things that's around. Howard said if you eat pussy you have a good chance of getting cancer. The caller, Chad, said you can get it from French kissing too. Howard said he's married but if he had to do it all over again he wouldn't kiss anyone or eat pussy. The caller said they should vaccinate very early on. Robin said you have to get the vaccination before you're exposed. Howard said you'd think his father would have sat him down and told him not to eat pussy. He did his parent's voices and had them talking about eating pussy. He had his dad rubbing his mom's pussy with his thumb and rubbing Rice and Shine on her. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said the older he gets the harder it is to work. He said that this is still a lot of work. Howard said that people complain about how much work he puts into the show. He said Ray Donovan is only 10 episodes and you don't see it for most of the year. Howard said he is doing 12 hours a week. Howard asked Gary if they're having a long meeting today. He said he has so much to do today. Gary said they have a decent amount to go over today. Gary said he only needs 15 minutes. Howard said the whole meeting isn't going longer than a half hour. Howard said after this week they can go back to the regular schedule. Gary said the meeting is canceled. Howard said they can do the meeting. He said that they just have to keep it short. Howard asked Gary to sprinkle in some personal stories. He did an impression of Gary clearing his throat quietly. Howard said you still hear it. It's just a short thing he does. Howard played some Baba Booey song parodies after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard was way off with the stuttering guy on America's Got Talent. He said he dressed him down. Howard said he didn't dress him down. Howard said he doesn't do things to be mean. He said he was trying to help the guy out. Howard said they'll see how he does. He said he's not sure what else to say. Howard said he liked the kid. He said now he's enemy number 1. Howard said he doesn't have to take his advice. Howard said he can do what he wants. He said if you don't want his opinion then don't come on the show. Fred played a bunch of Jackie laughs after that.
Robin read a story about Mike Huckabee attaching himself to Kim Davis. Robin said he's saying that people like Kim Davis are being targeted. She had some audio of Huckabee talking about that on FOX and Friends. Howard said that there is supposed to be a separation of church and state. Howard said you can't just decide not to comply with the law if you work for the government. Howard said this guy Huckabee is desperate. Howard said that he liked him better when he played in that band he was in. Robin said Huckabee says that this isn't the only clerk who is refusing to do her job and there are others so she is being targeted.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has a sex tip for eating pussy. He said you have to eat through the panties first. He said it drives them crazy and it gives you a chance to look at what's going on down there first. Howard said you can still get cancer of the tongue. The caller said no you can't. Howard said if it leaks through it can give it to you. Howard said this guy is a vile human being. He said he sounds like a pervert. Howard said you can't eat pussy anymore. Fred played some 'Gina Man audio clips for Howard after that.
Robin read about how Carly Fiorina is taking what Trump said about her and has an ad about that and turning it around on Trump. Robin had some audio of someone talking about the upcoming debate where Fiorina and Trump will be taking one another on. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about the debates too. Robin had some audio of Fiorina too. Howard said he's enjoying all of this.
Robin read a story about Stephen Colbert having justice Stephen G. Breyer on his show. Robin had some audio of Colbert asking him about what the toughest part of being a Supreme Court Justice is. Howard said he doesn't know this guy. He said he knows the guy with the coke can, Thomas. He said he likes him. Robin had Howard play a couple of clips.
Robin read about the iPhone presales setting new records. Robin said she hasn't ordered her's yet. Howard said she had better get on that. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Jon asked Rahsaan what the poll is about today. Rahsaan said they're asking ''Question from this morning's show, if you had to, who would you rather sleep with?'' and the choices were:
Jon said he has to follow up on the Caitlyn Jenner thing that Gary said. He said he was there that day and he has to get to that when he comes in. Jon asked Rahsaan who he would pick. Rahsaan said he would pick Joyce Mitchell or ''Shawskank.'' He said he's not going to do a dude and he isn't going to do a bigot. Jon asked Dave who he would pick. Dave said he thinks the most feminine looking one is Caitlyn. He said he might have to side with Baba Booey. He said that he thinks it would elevate his profile more if he did Caitlyn. He said the penis would bother him but this is a very tough decision. Jon said this is a no brainer for him. He said he'd pick Shawskank. He said that she's obviously willing to go the extra mile. He said they had to take a break after that.
Gary said Neil is a great guest. He said he talks like any person. He said he knows he listens every day. He said what he did today was like asking him to write a forward to his book. Jon said he thinks Neil is great on the show but he wonders if he thinks ''it's me'' and Howard will do it for him. He said sometimes Howard will cave in. Gary said when you sit in that chair you think Howard is totally attentive to you and you may feel like you have a bond with him.
Jon said when Gary wrote his book how difficult was it to not ask Howard to do anything. Gary said that he never even thought about asking. He said it wasn't tough at all. Gary said Howard still got shit for not writing it even though he never asked him to. He said he put Howard in a bad position just by writing the book.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up the F, Marry Kill thing. That led to Jon bringing up what Gary said about Caitlyn. Gary said he's just never going to fuck a dude. He said he'd go with Shawskank. He said that he thinks Caitlyn is the best looking dude he's ever seen though.
The caller said he doesn't think that Neil did anything out of bounds with Howard. He said that Howard has been asked to do stuff in the past. Gary asked what the point of asking is then. The caller said that most people know that the answer is going to be no. Gary said it's mostly no but not always.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Neil thought he had Howard's best interest in mind when he said he'd get Howard out of there by 9:05. Gary said that's ridiculous for Howard though. He said it's way too late. He said if it was 8:05 maybe but not 9. The caller said he thinks Howard will do it down the road. Jon said he doesn't think Howard will have any resentment toward Neil.
Jon took a call from a woman who said Howard asked McCartney for an autograph and he knew ahead of time that he didn't like that.
Jon said that Howard talked to Neil about the surrogate and how they made that happen. Gary said he would watch a show where people met surrogates and they had to pick the person out of 3. He said that would be a great game show. Jon said it sounds like Neil's kids are turning out great from what he was saying. Gary said they were able to send the woman questions about her life and they found out things about her without knowing her last name. Jon got in a plug for Neil's new show and then went to break.
Gary said Howard thinks Ringo could be broke. He said it's possible but they were doing the math in the back office. He said Ringo did write some of the songs for the Beatles so he thinks he has some money. Gary asked Dave if there is some performance royalty. Dave said it's all in the publishing. He said Ringo did write some of the songs. If he hadn't then all of the money would have come from royalties.
Jon brought up Bobo and the guys spent some time talking about how much hate he's getting lately. Dave said that Mariann is like the inner voice fan inside of him. Jon said Bobo is like that though. Dave said that he has a more annoying sounding voice though. Gary said he thinks the thing that hurts him the most is that sense of entitlement that he seems to have. He said that Bobo seems to think he deserves the accolades because he's been doing it so long. Jon said that Mariann never seems to have that. Gary said she's never thrown that in Howard's face. Jon said there's a big difference there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said the Beatles do get a performance royalty. He explained how that works. They were playing with numbers trying to figure out what kind of money Ringo is making off of those records. Gary said he should have a shit load of money if they get paid just a penny off of every play of their songs.
Jon asked Rahsaan for the results of the poll. Rahsaan read some tweets that they got about that and then said that more people picked Caitlyn over Kim Davis. Shawskank (Joyce Mitchell) had 45 percent of the votes. Jon got in some plugs for today's Sternthology and for Dave before ending the show. They were done around Noon.
Jon asked if Katrina has seen Tracy Morgan lately. She said she hasn't. She said she keeps in touch with the other guys from 30 Rock and they do try to get together when they can. Gary asked if they realize they were on a very special show. Katrina said she does. She said that you can keep watching the episodes over and over and you find new stuff all the time.
Jon said Godfrey knows 30 Rock. Godfrey said he did a Cosby thing on the show. He said it was the episode when Tracy leaves a show he's on and Cosby is his hero. Alec's character asks him to talk like Cosby to get him back on the show. He said he did his Cosby for that scene. He said what's weird is that they started rerunning that episode because of the Cosby thing and in the episode they talk about Cosby harassing his aunt in the episode. They wondered if Tina Fey knew something they didn't know. Jon said you don't think twice about it now. Godfrey said he worked on the second Cosby show and he warmed up the audience. He said he saw women hanging out around the show. He said he just figured it was because it was Cosby. He said he didn't think he was knocking them out.
Gary asked if they saw that Sinbad and Damon Wayans came to Cosby's defense. He asked if that's strange to Godfrey. Godfrey said no. He said Sinbad was really close to Cosby. He said Cosby looked out for him. He said he didn't know him very well like that. He said if he's defending him then that's his business.
Jon asked Katrina about how good Alec's impression of Tracy Morgan was. She said it was amazing. She said it was perfect and he'd crack them all up.
Gary said when they worked with Mark Coppola he knew Joey Buttfuocco and he wanted to go on the air to defend him when the whole thing went down with him. He said they let him on the air but they realized that you never really know everything about a person.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why they're dogging Michael Rapaport. The guys said they're not. The caller said they are though. He asked why they have to do that. Gary said they're just busting each other's balls. He said that when you play fantasy football sometimes people do tend to hate each other. He said he thinks that Michael and Matt Berry really do hate each other though.
Katrina said she doesn't think Michael would be upset about what they're saying. She said he's a big fan of Real Housewives. She said she gets to talk to him about that. Gary said that's great to know. Katrina said she didn't know that until late in the shooting of the show. Gary said that Michael is out there and they talk about how great he was in Louie. He said he has a complete meltdown in that show and all it said was ''Michael goes crazy'' and that's how he interpreted it.
Jon said they have to let Katrina go and take a break. He gave her some plugs and went to break.
Jon said tonight is the final AGT for Howard. He asked if that's good for them. Gary said that Howard's misery is done tonight. Jon said he thinks he's looking forward to not doing it. Gary said they'll go back to a more normal schedule now. Gary said they can back to their structure that Howard likes.
Jon asked Godfrey about AGT and if he watches it. Godfrey said Tom Cotter was on there. He said he hates doing contests for comedy though. He said that he's a sore loser and he'll snap if Heidi Klum tells him about his comedy. He said when you watch old Star Search all of the old comedians are on there. He said he just doesn't want to do that himself. He said more power to the people who do it. He just hates comedy contests. Jon said Howard was getting on one of the comedians for laughing at his own jokes. He asked if that's hacky. Godfrey said it kind of is. He said it's good Howard did that. He said Seinfeld told him not to laugh at his own jokes. He said sometimes if you don't laugh at it then you have more power. He said it's kind of a fake thing to laugh at it. Gary said Jackie was accused of laughing at his own jokes. He said that was part of his act though. Godfrey said there are some jokes he tells that he laughs at. He said people like it. He said some comics laugh and you wonder why they're laughing.
Gary said comedians don't laugh at other comedian's jokes. He said they'll just say that was funny. Godfrey said he'll watch other comedians and talk about how good they were. He said it's more internal.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard's interviews have been off the charts. He asked if Howard goes and gives Carol Burnett a hug after an interview. Gary said generally the guest will say the had a good time or whatever and then they'll take a picture. He said there is a little bit of interaction there. Jon said some guests thank everyone in the room. He said some will thank Howard and then bolt. Gary said in the past getting through an interview was like getting through the gauntlet. He said they are relived when they're done.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to know what Gary's greatest achievement on the show was. He asked what his biggest fuck up was too. Gary said the greatest was the most recent birthday show. He said the biggest fuck up was probably the double booking. He said that was probably the biggest one. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said that Howard is trying to find talent and he wants to help boost people into their career. Godfrey said he would take Howard's critique because he has talent. He said he won't listen to Heidi though. He said Paula Abdul has talent too. He said she's nice. He said he can't have Heidi asking him ''Unt what was that?'' He said she's German and she's not supposed to have a sense of humor.
Godfrey said he'd take Howie's advice too. He said he's a successful stand up comic. Gary said Howie's Young Comedian special was amazing. Jon said that he was fantastic on St. Elsewhere too. He said he had the gig with Deal or No Deal too. He said that Howard would have loved that gig. Godfrey said Steve Harvey is great on Family Feud too. He said comedians are great in those roles.
Gary said that Eric the Actor was the first one to go Diva. He said the others followed him. He said others didn't go as far as Eric did but they did follow him. Gary said Eric demanded Diet Pepsi on the set and he was an extra. He said he had like one line. Godfrey sounded shocked by that. Jon said that others have been accused of having that sense of entitlement too. He said Bobo is one. Gary said that Eric wasn't afraid of Howard one bit. He said Howard would say he'd ban him from the show and Eric was like ''Fine!''
Jon said that Jeff the Drunk is on Periscope and he isn't going to let go of it. Gary said Jeff hates The Lump more than anything. He said that The Lump makes him more interesting though and he doesn't think Jeff knows that. Jon said he thinks he does. Gary said he doesn't think so.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Godfrey was talking about the judging and he was in a comedy club in St. Louis once. He said it was when the World Series was going on. Godfrey said it was the worst out there. He said it was in the Ramada that Joe Buck owns. He said he had like 8 people there and he did 2 hours of material for them.
Gary said Stuttering John did a gig up in Syracuse once and he had a door deal. He said they did it on a night of a huge game and they had like 15 people in the first show and 8 in the second. Godfrey said that they stayed in the Ramada that they did the show in. He said Joe Buck owns the Ramada and it was disgusting. He said no one knew where the club was. He said it was off a highway and it was like Comedy Etcetera 2 and the people thought it was at the first one.
Jon got in some plugs for today's Sternthology and for Godfrey. They wrapped up and ended the show around 12:10pm.
Jon said they have a lot to cover. He played a ''What You Need to Know'' about today's show. After that Jon asked Rahsaan what He had for a poll today. Rahsaan said they're asking ''Would you stop giving/receiving oral sex if you knew it caused cancer?'' and the choices were:
Jenny said she thinks men wouldn't mind giving that up. Jon said he'd like to know if she'd give it up too. He said it's a two way street. Jenny said she thinks that she would love an excuse not to blow Jason anymore. She said it's boring. She said they've been together for 8 years and she does it but she thinks about what to buy online or what to have for dinner while she's doing it. Gary said he'd like to see more of the facts. He said Michael Douglas said it but then He retracted his statement. He said that He realized that He said his wife had toxic pussy.
Jon said they say that men over 40 have a 500 percent chance of getting oral cancer if they do oral sex. He said it's all because of the HPV virus.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she was curious if Gary thinks he's a better athlete than Howard. Jon said it's a good question. He said that it's about a bunch of things. Gary said He has nothing to compare it to but He did beat Howard at tennis in 1989. He said that He played football in high school so He might be a better athlete. He said if you put his pitch out there he'll pout Howard's Nils Loftgren basketball game out there. Jon said Howard did pick up a golf club and hit a ball 300 yards. Gary said He was golfing last weekend and doing pretty good according to Keegan Bradley.
Jon said He thinks that he's better at some sports than Howard. Gary said that Howard is good at running. He said some people think that's a sport so he's good at that.
Jon said Jenny knows the guys there. He asked her who she thinks is a good athlete. Jenny said she heard from JD that his girlfriend is into Yoga. She said JD is looking pretty good from walking. Jon said one of the people who wasn't able to walk on their team building exercise was JD. Gary said He thought JD looked chunkier than He thought for someone doing exercise. Jenny said his skin looks good. She said you can tell there's a woman in his life. Jon said the girlfriend is into Yoga and all of that and maybe the saying that opposites attract is true. Jenny said she doesn't really go for people who are like her so maybe that is true.
Gary said that JD might be doing some of this stuff because He wants to do what she's doing. Gary said he's pretty good about going out running with someone but He may not want to do that all the time. Gary said JD might not want to do everything she does or maybe she doesn't want that. Jon said that you do want your space. Gary said that's from a guy who has a wife who is fit and out exercising all the time. They went to break after that.
Jon said Ralph was asking Howard about wearing condoms. He said He doesn't think Howard will change his mind on that. Gary said Howard doesn't want to have a baby and He doesn't mind using them. Gary said Ralph doesn't like them and He won't use them. Gary said Easy E was on the show and said He can tell from looking at a girl and that didn't end up very well.
Jon said that Michael Shannon is there and He is in ''99 Homes'' which is opening in New York on September 25th. Jon thanked him for coming down. Jon said Howard has raved about his acting. He said that now Michael is in ''99 Homes'' and He wants to see it. He said that if he's in a movie He wants to see it. Michael said he's easy on the eyes too. Jon asked if He likes playing these characters that He plays. Michael said he's just a regular Joe. He said someone has to play these guys.
Jon asked him about where He was born. Michael said He was born in Kentucky but he's lived in Brooklyn for about 8 years now. Jon asked about the kind of roles He takes in big projects and small. He asked if a role is just a role. Michael said they can be. He said the indie stuff can be different.
Jon asked Michael about something He said on Twitter about Zod having flippers and how there was a big uproar over that. Michael said He never thought anyone would believe that. He said it's fun to see what happens when you do that. He said it's like throwing a pebble in a pond and creating a tsunami.
Gary asked Michael about making a video to get on Letterman. Michael said He did. He said He got to be on Letterman and it was like an out of body experience. He said that it was pretty cool. He said Letterman talked to him during the clip and it was great. Gary asked about when He hears his name being announced and if that's a big deal. Michael said it was because it was Biff who let him out there. He said when He came off Biff told him He did a good job. He said that was great. He said Biff was pretty sweet.
Jon said that Dave is gone and they have the younger guys out there now. Michael said he's done Fallon a couple of times and he's a sweetheart. He said they give you cookies over there after the show. Gary said He should do Rachel Ray because they give out little Reuben sandwiches.
Jon said they have to take a break but what does Michael think makes Howard different as a host. Michael said he's an icon and He can only be described by his name and that makes someone unique. He said there are people who have shows and they can be funny but they're not icon. He said ever since He saw Private Parts he's thought the world of him. Jon said that Howard feels the same about Michael. He said that he's not there today but they'll pass it along. They went to break after that.
Gary said He saw the guy who won and He liked his act. Jon said everyone was surprised that the regurgitator didn't win. He came in 4th.
Jon said you could tell Howard was done with this season. Jenny said He was like that in every season. Gary said after the second season there was a lot of complaining. Jenny said she was shocked after the second season when He signed on for another one. Gary said He was too.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if it's fashionable for the A-list fans to come on and say they're fans for the show and then they can't even pronounce Dell'Abate when they do the Wrap Up Show promos. Gary said some people get it wrong on purpose. He said there are a lot of people who only tune in for the interviews and they may not listen to every minute of the show. Jon said that's a good point. He said that some people may have seen Private Parts and that was it. He said you don't have to know all of the intricacies of the show. He said you can tell if people don't listen.
Jenny said she can see how people would read the lines for the intros and get them wrong. She said that you're not used to seeing his name spelled out. Jon said that it can throw you off with the apostrophe in his name. Gary said if you're a superfan you know everything but not everyone who listens knows it all. Gary said there's that show Bob's Burgers and He hasn't watched it from day one. He asked if he's a fan. Jon said some people listen and they eventually learn everything.
Jon asked Rahsaan what the results of the poll were. Rahsaan read some comments from Twitter and then said that it was a 50/50 split with the poll today. Jenny said she's 50/50 too. Gary said it is a polarizing thing.
Jon got in some plugs for today's Sternthology and wrapped up the show. They were done around 11:45am.
Jon said that Howard is done with America's Got Talent and they'll see how that all breaks down on Monday. He said one thing that went down this week was the coffee taste test. He said that's a big deal because Howard is taking his coffee drinking very seriously. Gary said he doesn't drink it but his house buys it in bulk at the grocery store. Gary said that Howard lifted up that cup and said it wasn't even a choice when he picked the Starbucks. Jon said you can't go wrong with either one. Jon asked Danny if he knows that's going to turn into a fight when Howard gets into that. Danny said coffee has become okay in the past couple of weeks. He said he drank coffee over the past several years guiltily and now it's okay to drink. He said you can sense the atmosphere there at Sirius because of that. He said that it's mind blowing that they're getting into taste tests now. He said it's great to see the birth of a coffee drinker now.
Jon asked Danny about what other lifestyle things he's done because of the show. Danny said if you eat reasonably like Howard has been saying forever then you don't need the fad diets. He said Howard has stayed thin for a long time. He said it clearly works for him. Gary said he was in Howard's house the weekend he started drinking coffee. He said he thought he thought of it as being unhealthy. He said he was shocked when he started drinking it. Gary said when it comes to the weight thing Howard always invites him to his house and comes back to work saying how hot he is. Gary said Howard has gained a few pounds lately and he's turning it back on himself lately. Jon said Howard always thinks he's overweight. He said Howard is never going to be satisfied with his weight.
Danny said he thinks Howard has been motivated by that voice in his head saying he has to do better and he's not doing good enough. He said that gives him fuel and that's why he wins. He said a lot of successful people are like that. He said that's been the fuel that has kept him a winner for years.
Gary said he thinks when the show ends he's going to put on 30 pounds in a year. He said Howard has helped keep him thinner than he normally would.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she called yesterday about Howard leaving America's Got Talent. She said that Mariann from Brooklyn seemed to help Howard sign up for the 10th anniversary. She said it was cute to see Mariann going along with the countdown for the final shows too. Jon said she's like the queen of America's Got Talent over there. Gary said it's almost like she feels what Howard feels. He said he thinks that in her head she's crushed that it's going away. Gary said if Howard doesn't like it then it's no good anymore. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Danny knows Bobo as a caller and they know where his mental capacity is. He asked if he could have pleaded insanity or something. Danny said the test for insanity is that you don't understand the consequences of what you're doing. He explained how that works too. He said people mistake how it's defined. He said hiding a body or destroying evidence shows you know what's wrong. He said Bobo's offense will not get him that defense. Gary said he did try to conceal it when he did it.
Gary said they ran an old segment this week. He asked if there's a difference between vinegar and vinaigrette. Danny said he is not up on that. He said he suspects that if you tried to sell one as the other then there might be legal issues.
Jon said Robin also named her cat after Beth and Howard's Yoda. Danny said that you have to look at it like it's a trademark issue. He said neither name is used in a way that it could be considered trademarked. He said copyright is another issue. He said there is no copyright on names though. He explained how copyright works in music and said that you could argue that she had access to the name before. Jon said that she read the audio book. Danny said the other thing is that there is a right to privacy. He said he can't go out and sell potato chips and calling them ''Howard Stern's potato chips.'' He said this is a pet's name and it's for personal use in a home. He said it is copying but there is no cause of action against Robin. He said she is free to use the name Yoda.
Jon said Robin has changed the name from Yoda to something else. Jon said she could have stuck to it if she had heard this. Danny said that he's pretty sure the audience would continue to prosecute her if she kept it the same.
Jon asked Danny what else he wanted to talk about. Danny said that Neil Patrick Harris asked Howard to do his show this week. He said that it could be considered a contract under duress. He said that Howard never did agree to do the show though. He said it wasn't for money, it was for a favor. Danny gave his legal analysis of how that works. He said jokes can end up being contracts though. He said there is a case of a guy agreeing to sell his house and he wrote it on the back of a napkin when he was drunk. He said you have to beware when you do something like that.
Jon said Greg Fitzsimmons asked Howard to write the foreword to his book years ago. Howard agreed to do it but he really didn't want to. Danny said he didn't agree to a financial transaction. He said that Howard offered to do it. He said if Howard had backed out then Greg could have argued that he relied on it to his detriment.
Jon thanked Danny for all of that analysis. He said he's very happy to have him there as their legal correspondent. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said that Gary talked about watching Dancing with the Stars recently. Gary said he was switching around the channels and he was curious to see how it went. He said that he was sort of interested to see Bindi, Gary Busey, Chaka Kahn and Paula Deen. He said he thinks he saw the level of competence. He said he doesn't think anyone will get better.
Jon asked Danny if he watches things that Howard recommends. Danny said he does. He said that he started watching Narcos because of Howard. He said there is so much out there to watch. He said it can be overwhelming. He said Howard is a curator and tells you what he likes. He said he watches 80-90 percent of them. Jon said he watches a lot of TV himself. He said he watches half the amount Robin watches though. He said she watches a ton of stuff. Gary said Robin went somewhere once and they didn't have a TV. He said she asked for a DVD player and watched like 7 seasons of The Black Adder. He said that he can't imagine going somewhere and watching that much. Jon said Robin watches more than he does for sure.
Jon took a call from a guy who wasn't there but he took his question anyway. The caller wanted to know what the fallout would be on Ralph on his probation officer job with Bobo. Jon asked if there's anything there. Danny explained how probation officers work and said that this was a very lax probation period. He said they had some very strict rules for him to follow. They spent another minute or so on that.
Jon thanked Danny for coming in and wrapped up the show after getting in some plugs for Sternthology. They ended the show around 11:45am.