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Playboy Cyber Club
Today's special was over around 11:10am.
Howard and the guys were back live this morning. Howard started the show doing his Cousin Brucie voice and wondering if he's still alive. Robin said she thinks he's still there at Sirius. Howard said he's going to take over for him when he dies. Robin said they replayed a Rappin Granny segment before the show. Howard said he thinks she's still alive. Robin said it was a hysterical segment. They were spanking her in it. Howard said that is funny.
Howard said he was very pleased to see that American Sniper made $103 million. He said Bradley Cooper is a great guest and a great friend to the show. Robin said that she went to see it and there were lines around the theater. Howard said some people are claiming that snipers are cowards. Robin said that's Michael Moore. Howard said it's so important that we worship the warrior. He said they protect us. Howard said they have to do that so Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger can walk around Miami in bathing suits. He said that's what they fight for.
Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel was on The Bachelor and it was very funny. He said it could have gone horribly wrong. He said it turned out to be very funny. Howard said Jimmy was in the hot tub and on dates with the Bachelor. Howard said that's also what we're fighting for.
Howard said this sniper, Chris Kyle, is not a coward. Howard said he is a hero. Robin said there isn't a ton of people saying that he's a coward. Robin said that most people seem to recognize that he is a hero. Howard said the movie shows that war is hell. He said it doesn't glorify the whole thing. Howard said that he's not a coward at all. Robin said it isn't cowardly to go into a war zone. Robin said that he was there to protect our soldiers. Howard said you can't feel bad every time you kill someone. Robin said he was fighting for our country and our rights and freedoms back home.
Howard said Chris was inspired by 9/11 to go and train to be a killer. He said it was tough for him. Howard said he likes to see that he's being celebrated. Howard said he is a real hero. Howard said there are guys who are deflating a football and he doesn't care about that. Howard said he is aware of it. Howard said that both sides were using the ball so he's not sure what the problem is there.
Robin also mentioned that Bradley Cooper was amazing in the movie. Robin said Sienna was amazing too. Howard said that Steven Carell also said that he would mention them if he wins an academy award. Howard said that it could be Bradley or Steven.
Howard said he's wrestling with wires under his console. He asked Scott to not come in and fix i know. Howard asked how they tape that stuff up and it comes undone. Howard said now Scott will come in and say that they fixed it at one time. Gary said Scott seems to be afraid to come in. Gary said that Robin sounded much lower than Howard did. Howard raised her pot when he heard that. Howard said he could have slipped him a note.
Howard said his feet catch on the wires there. He said he's complained about it for years. He said he could unplug the whole show. He said one day someone came in and taped it all up. He said he's having problems with his computer too. He said it's like someone is taking it over. Howard said they come back after a Monday off and it's like they were never there. Howard said he's going to get very negative, very fast. He said he knows that will kill everything.
Howard played a bit they created with Beetlejuice but played by Morgan Freeman. It was a Broadway play parody. Howard said he would go see that.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a pizzeria using clips of Howard playing Elephant Man. They had him complaining that he had eaten the pizza sauce and had an allergic reaction to it.
Howard said they described last week that they did an amazing stunt. Howard said they took a picture of Jon Hein and put him in a lesbian dating service. Howard said he was Jan Hein. They just took a picture of Jon and put it up. He said some people think he looks like a fat lesbian. Howard said he is a big boy and sometimes he can look like a lesbian. Howard said they went out on the street and asked lesbians what they thought of Jan Hein. Howard played some of those interviews. Some of the women said that she looks very butch or an older dyke. Howard said not one person challenged them and said it was a guy. Howard said they are calling her Jane Hein in these clips. Howard said that they have a secret admirer for her. Howard played a clip of Yucko the Clown doing his Connie voice from Brickelberry leaving a message for Jane. He eventually broke into his Yucko voice. Howard said he thinks his TV show got canceled. He said he thinks he's back as Yucko now.
Howard said they have a song about Jane Hein too. Howard said that's from Psych. Howard played that song for Robin. It was ''Jon Hein Looks Like a Lesbian.'' Howard said that's great.
Howard said that Rich Eisen was very nice to him. He said he has to give him a shout out. Howard played a clip of Rich talking about how Howard Stern could be the best interviewer of all time. He was talking about how great the interviews he's been doing are. Howard said that was very nice to get a positive one. Howard said he has to figure out where to listen to this guy. He said he's highly intelligent and profound.
Howard asked Gary if he listens to the Rich Eisen show. Gary said from time to time he does. Howard asked if he's on Sirius. Gary said no. Howard said he's on the NFL network. Gary said it must be the TV NFL network.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she was married to a Navy Seal for 10 years. She said she appreciates what Howard has to say about them. She said that he was deployed to Iraq 4 times. she said she was in the military at the same time and it was hard to work on a marriage like that. She said they're still friends. She said he's in Iraq right now. Howard said it'd dumb founding to him that anyone who enjoys this country doesn't worship what these guys do. Howard said they walk into enemy territory and they put their life out there. Howard said most of us like being alive. Howard said we like to experience things. Howard said that these guys put all of that stuff on hold and fight for our country. Howard asked how anyone can be against these guys. Howard said it's like a bizarro world. The caller agreed. She said that they have two daughters and he had to leave them behind. She said she really appreciates that. Howard said he appreciates them too.
Howard said it's a weird world they live in where they say that these guys are into killing brown people. Howard said that the military is there to wipe out threats to this country. Howard said there are politicians who start wars for no good reason and it has nothing to do with these guys who fight. Howard said the guys who fight are following orders. Howard said the ones who send them are different. Robin said they also risk shooting the wrong person because they could go to jail for that.
Howard said he's a fan of the show Girls and this week's episode was very good. Howard said there's this ass eating scene in the first episode where Allison Williams gets her asshole eaten and it's funny. He said it's gratuitous but funny. Howard said every show is putting an ass eating scene in it now. Howard played a bit they did with the people on Downton Abby and The Simpsons doing the same thing.
Howard asked Benjy where he's at with this whole thing. Benjy said he's willing to go all the way. He said he would take a dick in his ass. Benjy is looking for a reward if he does lose the weight. Howard said that he would take a dick in his ass if he doesn't lose the weight. Howard said Benjy is willing to get fucked in the ass by some wise guy. Howard said that's really something. Fred said he must want it. Benjy said he really doesn't want it. Robin said that he wants something. Howard said the reward for losing weight is that he doesn't look repulsive. Benjy said he knows he's taking a real risk.
Howard said that High Pitch Eric left him a message about this. Eric said that he can't wait for Benjy to not lose weight so he can lick his asshole. He said he's going to stop wiping his ass now in anticipation of that. Howard sounded grossed out by that.
Howard played a clip of High Pitch Eric calling a personal trainer asking if she can help him lose about 400 pounds. He claimed he weighed 1300 pounds. He refused to do any of the work out things she suggested.
Howard said Joey Boots interviewed Eric again about his diet. Howard said Eric isn't so bright. He said they found him to be feeble minded when they tested him. Howard said Eric doesn't know that you have to steam chicken in water and not oil. Howard played the clip of Joey telling Eric that it's fried and not steamed if you cook it in oil. Eric said he has to show him. Eric said that if chicken is white then it's steamed. Joey argued with him that it's fried. Eric said he believes he understands. Howard said that's what it's like to argue with a feeble minded person.
Howard played another clip of Eric talking about a wrist problem he has. He said he has carpel tunnel. Howard said he's not sure how much longer he can live. Howard said Joey asked him how it's going with the exercise thing too. Howard played that clip next. Eric said he might go to Yoga. He said he can wear sweats to the Yoga class. Eric claimed that he went and learned some moves for Yoga but then said he can't name them because they're too hard to name.
Howard played a clip of Joey asking Eric what he weighs. Eric said he was 335 pounds a couple of weeks before. He hadn't weighted himself since. Howard said he's a real mess but you gotta love him.
Howard said he's not sure where they're at with Benjy's weight. Howard said that he has to lose some and they have to figure out how much. Benjy said he's thinking 50 pounds in 5 months. Howard said that today is January 20th so by June 20th he has to lose 50 pounds or he gets fucked in the ass. Benjy said he makes it sound very attractive. Howard said he has to lose weight. Fred said that Benjy is going to give up and just say ''So I get fucked in the ass.'' Howard said he reward for losing 50 pounds is that he'll be thin. Howard asked if he wants to do it. Benjy said ''Not right now.'' Howard said that's it then.
Howard asked Benjy what he wanted to ask about changing his shit schedule. Benjy said he knows Howard has talked about that before. Howard said he has only had to shit at work about 6 times in the past 40 years. He said he likes to go home. Howard said he was with someone for 6 hours the other day and he didn't have to shit. He said as soon as that person had to leave he had to shit.
Benjy said he wakes up and he has to go. Howard said that's great. Benjy said that he'd like to change it to night so he can take a shower and be clean for the morning. Howard said he never has to shit in public. He told Benjy that he could use baby wipes to clean up and he'll be fine. Fred said that you can train your bowels to do their thing. He read about it on the web how you can stick your finger up your butt to get it started. Benjy said he wants to get into that habit of going at night. Howard asked if he had to shit when Perez did his finger thing. Benjy said he thinks he did. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and asked what he missed. Fred told him what he just played. Howard asked what music h was just playing. Fred said it was supposed to be Sweet Child O' Mine but it was something that he didn't expect.
Howard said Pete Wentz is there. Howard asked if he got in trouble last time he was there and ended his marriage. Pete said he thinks he did get in a little trouble but that's not why the marriage ended. Howard said it must be fun being a rock star. Pete said he doesn't think it's the way it was in the 70s and 80s. Howard said these days it's all tech. Howard said the iPhone is the rock star. Pete said he thinks the bad behavior is what people like to do. He said it's not a good thing.
Howard said that you can still get chicks being a rock star. Howard said that Pete was married to Ashlee Simpson and she's very talented. Howard said she told him not to say anything too crazy on the air and he did talk about anal. Howard said that's not that crazy. Pete said he thinks growing up in the midwest he may not have had a good enough filter. Robin asked why one needs a filter.
Howard asked if Ashlee was upset with him after that interview. Pete said she wasn't too happy. Howard said he said something kind of cool. He said Pete said that she was his dream girl and he would look at himself in the mirror and couldn't believe he was fucking his dream girl. Pete said his friends thought of it like a love letter but that's not the way she sees it. Robin said it might have to do with it being all about looks. Robin said it's like looking at a car or something.
Howard said his monitors aren't working. He said everything isn't working today. He said he goes away for a weekend and that's what happens. He asked Pete if that's ever happened to him on stage. Pete said that they have had those kind of problems. He said they lost sound for 12,000 people once when they lost the PA. He said they had to wait for the system to boot back up. Howard asked if he goes crazy or just handles it. Pete said they used to blow stacks but then they realized they didn't have to. Howard said he doesn't understands why this stuff doesn't work. He said no one is supposed to come in there.
Howard said he was upset that Pete's marriage fell apart. He said someone said that it was because of the interview there. Pete said it wasn't just one thing. He said they can't pin it on just that. Pete said he thought it was going to be a forever thing. He said his parents have been together for like 40 years. Pete said that they were both very young at the time. He said they were like 29 or so. Howard said Ashlee was out on the road performing too. Pete said the thing was that they had all of these great years on the road and then he took time off to be Mr. Mom. He said that factored into it. He said that his identity changed. Howard said when he did that Fall Out Boy was having a hard time. Howard said that their album had tanked and he ended up staying home. Howard said some guys do that and they really change.
Pete said he grew a beard and it was crazy. Pete said he didn't think he could grow a beard so he tried it. He said he was hanging with his kid all day and who cares. He said when you stop caring then you get more depressed. He said it's a vicious circle. Pete said he went and hosted some Jingle Ball thing and he wasn't performing. He said he was drinking beer and ended up banging his head and had to get stitches. He said he was bummed out and it was all in that cycle. Howard asked if it was severe depression. Pete said it was that and being too young. He said that you have to know how to fight with someone in a marriage. He said they were doing it all in the public eye and that didn't help. He said things were insane. He said he'd get a hair cut and they'd say it was ''breakup hair'' in the tabloids.
Howard asked about the new girlfriend and if he's in the tabloids all the time now. Pete said he'd rather not be. He said it's not helpful with a relationship.
Howard asked if that stuff inspires great music. Pete said it made him panic and he didn't think he could do music anymore. He said he had a kid that he was responsible for. Howard asked if h head enough money to retire on. Pete said he would have to adjust his lifestyle and he could have done that. Howard said he still wanted to be vital. Pete said his dad is 65 and he's still not retired. He said he can't imagine being retired and sitting around doing nothing. He said it has to be super depressing.
Howard said that it has to hurt when your wife breaks up with you at your low point. Pete said he would be an idiot to think that he didn't contribute to the unraveling of it. He said he did think it sucked and she bailed on him. He said they have a kid together and he's awesome. Howard said his name is Bronx. Howard asked when he gets him. Pete said that they split it 50/50. He said he likes coming on tour with him. He said that they work it all out. He said they've figured that all out and they're still friends. Howard asked how complicated the money thing was when they split. Pete said the thing he found is that the divorce attorneys are the ones making a lot of money. Pete said that you should work things out on your own and not get them involved. Howard asked if they ever looked into doing that. Pete said he thinks how it ended up in the end. He said it was insane. He said they were digging up every piece of dirt and it was bad. Howard said they can go to an arbiter and do that. Pete said that's the way to do it.
Howard said it was fun seeing the guys performing on America's Got Talent. He played some of the song ''My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark.'' Howard said that Pete isn't the one singing in the song. Howard said he's the guy who gets the most attention though. Howard asked what's going on there. Pete said when they started the band he was way more extroverted. He said they have evened that stuff out more over the years though.
Howard asked if they have tried to get the lead singer to be more out front. Pete said he thinks that they've worked on that and he is kind of out there now. He said he's the unfiltered guy who lets it rip a little more.
Howard said that they don't do the lip syncing thing. Howard said they started out as a punk band but then they decided to go pop. Pete said they were doing punk songs but then did an accidental thing by doing a pop song and doing a video for it that ended up on MTV. Howard asked if that's shocking to them. Pete said it is. He said they had to make a decision to let the Chipmunks movie use their song in it. He said that they should have done it and not worried about it because no one is going to remember it in a few years. Howard said in the 60s, 70s and 80s people refused to let them use their music in commercials. Howard said these days they do it to get noticed. Howard said their song gets played at a lot of sporting events and things like that. Pete said he hears from his dad all the time about where he and his friends hear the song.
Howard said Pete was on the show talking about trying Russian roulette. He said it's weird because he thinks of him as being very level headed. Howard said he can't imagine him putting a gun to his head and trying that. Pete said he went through a lot of highs and lows earlier in his life. Howard asked if he was on a lot of drugs. Pete said it wasn't hard core stuff. He said that he had some issues and figured he could figure it out on his own. Howard said a lot of bi-polar people think that they're not medicated right and they don't want to take the medication. Pete said that when he was on the road everything is available to you. He said people want to keep the machine going and don't care so much about how healthy you are. He said that having kids is like the ultimate happy pill. He said you don't care how you feel you care about how they feel.
Howard asked if he's afraid that the kid will be bi-polar. Pete said he does worry about that. Howard asked what that is anyway. Pete said for him he has really high highs and really low lows. He said he can't regulate between the two. Howard said he doesn't seem to find either. He said he's stuck in the middle. Howard said that being really high and low must make for some great song writing. Howard said he wishes he could feel like these people do. Pete said he listens to Springsteen and guys like that and they can write really relateable songs.
Howard said that Pete was on a bunch of prescription drugs. He asked if he wanted to put the gun to his head at that time. Pete said when you're on that much stuff you're not thinking straight. He said that you're messing with your brain. He said you don't know how you're affecting it. Howard asked if he thinks that's what led to him wanting to do the Russian Roulette thing. Pete said it did. He said he talks to kids now and he tells them that you might be down today but tomorrow might be the best day of your life. He said he got down to 95 pounds at one point. He said he figured he could make it through that and it would never get worse than that.
Howard asked what the right amount of time to wait to bang a girl is. Pete said he's not sure there's a set time. Pete said he was sad about his band and he felt like a loser. He said the band had broken up and when you feel like a loser you project that. He said girls aren't looking to hang out with you when you're like that. Howard asked if he tried to kill himself. Pete said he did it with pills and he thinks that it wasn't a real attempt. He said that he was slurring his words and things when he called his mom and other people. He said that he thinks it was more of a cry for help. Pete said he held back from the psychiatrist and didn't tell him everything.
Robin said that when you have a sick brain you're making decisions with that sick brain. She asked if that was part of it. Pete said that he was questioning the doctors and he was thinking he was the one who could help himself.
Howard asked Pete about the song Hallelujah helping him out. Pete said he was listening to the song when he was out one day and he thinks that inspired him to call the people he called.
Howard asked Pete how long he waited before he started banging chicks after the marriage ended. Pete said that he had to pull himself together first. Pete said that he wanted to get okay without being Pete from Fall Out Boy. He said he wanted to be Pete the guy who goes to pre-school and things like that. He said he hadn't talked to girls in so long that he didn't know how to do it. Howard said he figured being in a band that he wouldn't have to know how to do that. Howard said you can just go to a party and girls throw themselves at you. Pete said it was the wrong people doing that. Pete said it's not a big turn on to him. Robin said they're relating to something they think is him and not really him.
Howard said it sounds like he didn't want the marriage to end. Pete was devastated. Pete agreed. Howard said that she did anal so she did it all for him. She did anal.
Howard asked Pete when he played Russian roulette. Howard asked if he was by himself. Pete said he was by himself. Howard said that is not a good game to play by yourself. Pete said he never pulled the trigger. He said he was on a buffet of things at the time. Howard asked if he drinks now. Pete said he does but in moderation. Howard asked if he's on any medication. Pete said he's not. He said he is free of all of that. He said he figured that out. Howard said that's a miracle. Pete said it was really hard to overcome. Howard asked if his parents are good supporters. Pete said that they really are. He said his dad used to come to their punk rock shows dressed in a tie. Howard said he thinks that it's great that they've stuck by him through all of that.
Howard said Fall out Boy has a new album out. Pete said that's coming out today. Howard asked if there was a Yoko kind of thing going on with Ashlee. Pete said that there was a title bit of that.
Howard asked Pete about writing the songs and who does that. Pete said Patrick will get lyrics from him and then he'll write the music. Howard asked if he brings it to him as a poem almost. Pete said that's the way it is. Howard said then he brings it to them and they might say to him that it's kind of hokey or douchey and he'll say it means something to him. Pete said that they'll have no reaction to it at all and then he knows that it's not their kind of thing. He said he used to just keep sending it to them over and over. He said now he has learned not to do that. He said if it's not right then he stops. Howard asked if he has ever put his foot down and gone to them saying they're going to put it on the album. Pete said he hasn't. He said there is a point when they have to make a song a B-side. He said that you look at those songs as your child and sometimes you just have to let go of your child.
Howard said that the guys did this album ''Folie a Deux'' and that tanked. Howard asked if he started to blame the other guys in the band. Pete said that he blames himself before other people. He said that he thinks that he lost it at that point. Howard said Pete went and started another band after that. Pete said it wasn't the right time to do that. He said that was a mess. Howard said that must be tough when you think you've lost it. Howard said it's such a shitty business when you think about it. He said you're only as good as your last album. Howard said they didn't tap into what people wanted and you must feel bad inside. Howard said it's such a shitty business.
Pete said you really learn who your friends are. He said everyone is your friend when things are hot. He said he had a friend who was in another band and he was the one who stuck by him. He said he had other friends who dropped him when he didn't have a hit band. Pete said that the people who left him are the people who say hi at the restaurant now when you're out. He said you thought it was real but now you're realizing it wasn't all real.
Robin asked if the album was a good album and the songs are still good or was it really that much of a flop. Pete said that he was talking to Rivers from Weezer and he could relate to him about all of that stuff.
Howard asked if he has people that he can go to when he has to talk about it. Pete said he talks to Pat from Train. He said that he shot a video with them and it was good to see them doing their thing after what they had been through. He said he figured maybe he could get there one day and Pat is a good guy to talk to about that stuff. Howard said Pat's band had a couple of hits and then they didn't have anything for a while. Howard said they kept having them on the show because he likes Pat so much. Howard said someone in the business said that they were done after a couple of flop albums. Howard said then they had a hit song and they came back. Pete said that the record company didn't want them to put Soul Sister on that album too. Howard said that's right.
Howard asked Pete about the fans and if it's tough to have a hit these days. Pete said they have fans all over the place. He said they like the art work on the albums or they like streaming the songs or whatever. He said they are trying to put it out there in all kinds of formats. He said that people want to hear their songs.
Howard said they're going on tour with Marilyn Manson. Pete said they are. Howard said Marilyn really puts on a wild show. Howard said it's great. Pete said it's so cool because bands aren't really doing that these days.
Howard said this chick Pete is dating now is super hot. Howard asked if he thinks of her the same way as being his dream girl when he sees himself in the mirror. Pete said she is a person who puts up with his madness. Howard asked how hard he is to live with. Pete said on a scale of 0 to Larry David he'd put himself at a 9 or so. Howard asked why that is. Pete said he has ADD and he can't figure out what he wants to do. He said he'll be driving and he wants to write. Then he's writing and he wants to drive. Pete said he has learned that you have to make time to be present for people. He said he learned that because of the kid. Howard asked Pete if he is in love. Pete said he is in love. Howard asked if he's engaged. Pete said he's not. They have been together for 4 years now. Pete said he thinks the right way to do that whole thing is to have time to plan it. He said he didn't want to do it in the public eye.
Howard asked how he met this girl. Pete said it's not a great story. He said he met her at an after party for a show. Howard asked if it was their show. Pete said it was another band's show. Pete said that she was too hot for him. Howard asked if she was the first one he dated since Ashlee. He said it wasn't the first. He said that they started talking in a group of people. Howard said that's good. Pete said she was really funny. He said at the end of the night he thought it was a fun thing but he didn't think she liked him. Pete said the next day he texted his friend and told him to give her his number. He said they hung out that next day and never stopped hanging out. Howard asked how long it took to get into her pants. Pete said he can't remember. He said he took it seriously though. Pete said when you introduce someone to your kid you want to make sure that they're going to be around for a while. He said he didn't even introduce them for a while. Howard asked why he tweeted the nude picture of his girlfriend pregnant. Pete said he wants things private but then there are things that are just so hot that he has to share it. He said he did get permission before doing it though. He said that was good. Howard said he liked seeing those pictures.
Howard said that the new album is called ''American Beauty/American Psycho''. Howard said that those are names of movies. Pete said it's a play on those movies. Howard said that they're looking at the juxtaposition of those two movies. Howard asked if Pete names the movies. Pete said he did name this one.
Howard asked Pete if he's surprised that the band is back together again. Pete said that he is. He said Patrick had some things he wanted to write and he asked if they would ever get back together. He said they started writing music and they had no idea what would come out of it. He said that it worked out.
Howard said the new album was recorded in 3 weeks. Pete said it was. Howard said he thinks that the best albums come out fast. Pete said that you can over think things. He said that it's good to do it fast. Howard asked if they have thrown out songs. Pete said they have and then they've put them on other albums.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she wants to thank Pete for being honest about his mental illness. She said that the more people there are like him the more it helps everyone else. Howard agreed. He said that it can be embarrassing to come out and talk about it. Howard said you want to project the image that you're under control. He said he admires Pete for that. Pete thanked him for that. Howard said that he is human and anyone listening to this would be moved by this. Howard said he almost killed himself.
Howard played some of Fall Out Boy's new song ''Centuries'' and said that you can see the video on HowardStern.com.
Howard said Pete was on social media earlier on. He asked if that helped. Pete said he thinks it can. He said you can't just promote all the time though. Pete said that he tries not to block people. He said that sometimes people just troll you trying to get you to do that. Howard asked how long he was away from his family on tour. Pete said he tries not to be away for more than 2 weeks at a time. Howard said he likes this song. Howard asked if he still pees off of balconies because he likes his dick to get fresh air. Pete said he does kind of do that when he's out there.
Howard said Pete pierced his whole body at one point. Howard asked if his cock was pierced. Pete said it was pretty much everything. Howard asked how you have sex with that. Pete said that he's not sure that he did. He said that he wasn't very popular with the girls at the time. Pete said they can pierce just under the head. He said they can go through the hole too. Howard asked who does the piercing. Pete said a body piercer does it. Howard said he must have a big penis if he can do that. Pete said he thinks he just wanted to be different. He said he has zero piercing's now though. He said that he still has a hole inside his nose but he doesn't have anything in there. Pete said that the septum is the hardest thing to pierce. Pete said that they use a hollow needle that's super sharp. He said that he wouldn't recommend getting it done. He said the penis thing hurt. Howard asked if it was pass out hurt. Pete said no but the healing thing is really painful. Howard said he'd like to know what the penis thing feels like.
Howard asked Pete about 5 Seconds of Summer saying that their band is like Justin Bieber. Pete said he knows a guy who produces them and they didn't mean any disrespect by what they said. He said that when you're young and you're thrust into things you don't realize that things can be taken out of context.
Howard gave Pete some plugs and said that you can find out about where they'll be appearing at FallOutBoy.com. Howard said they have a new song on the album and they use the Munsters theme song in it. Howard played some of that song and the Munsters theme is very much out there. Howard said the song is called ''Uma Thurman.'' Pete said that they have to get permission to use the song and they have to go to Uma about using her name too. He said she did give it the okay so maybe she likes the song.
Howard said Pete has said it all. Howard asked if he has left out anything. Pete said he doesn't think he has. Howard said he talked about everything. Howard said it's very impressive. He gave him some more plugs and thanked him for coming in. Howard said he thinks he hit it all in that interview. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Paxon had PAX TV and more. He said he's not sure what he was worth at the end but whatever. He said that now he's dead. Robin said you can't take it with you. Howard said they were all dumb ideas but they worked. Robin said that she never thought anyone would buy anything off television.
Howard said he's going to be very miserable tomorrow. He said he has to get a Colonoscopy. He said that he hasn't had one in 5 years. Howard said that if you don't get this done then it's even worse if you get cancer. Howard said that they stuck a pretty good sized camera up your ass. Howard said he has a buddy who woke up in the middle of that. Howard said he had the worst stomach cramps.
Robin said she remembers when she had that done and they pump air in there and it wouldn't come out. Howard said you just fart it out. Robin said that it didn't come out.
Howard said he has to get the Colonoscopy on Thursday. He said you can't eat the entire day before. Howard said tomorrow he can't eat anything. He can only drink water, Gatorade or some juice without pulp. He said that he can't drink anything with red color in it. He said around 3 in the afternoon the fun begins. He said you take these pills called Ducalax. Then you start to shit. Howard said then water starts coming out. Robin said it's called Dulcolax. Robin said it's stool softener. Howard said then you have to drink this thing that's 64 ounces of something that you put in Gatorade. Howard said then you really start shitting your brains out. Howard said Beth was wondering if she should sleep with him that night or not. Howard said this is a whole production.
Howard said he has to get up at like 4 and do 4 or 5 more hours of drink. Howard said they have to figure out a better way of doing this whole thing. Robin said either way they have to get that stuff out of you.
Howard said Gary came out of his Colonoscopy thinking that his wife was his gardener. Gary said that it was after. Gary said that he was just fucking high. He said they were talking about the garden that day and that's why it came up. Howard said Gary does look like a landscaper.
Howard said that he's not sure why Gary can't garden himself. Robin said Howard would scream at him if he was doing it on his own. Howard said he screams at him no matter what.
Howard said the sound on the special was awful. He said it sounded like they were singing inside a tube. Howard said you can't produce a special where they can't be heard. Howard said it sounded like they ere muffled under water. Howard said it was driving him insane. Howard said his wife doesn't want to hear about it. He said that they can't have such bad sound quality on a special like that. Howard said he got so aggravated.
Fred said he thinks that it's an offshoot of Clear Channel. Howard said he would fire everyone if he was Bob Pitman. Howard said he doesn't fire anyone himself so there.
Howard said there are a lot of hot chicks in music now. He said Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift are hot. He said Jessie Jay is shaking her ass all over the place. Howard said if he was a vampire those are the girls he would go after. Howard said that's all he would eat. Howard said he'd have Taylor Swift one week and then these other girls. Howard said that it would be like The Love Boat with the guest stars all the time. Howard said that he would be this gross vampire and he'd want all of these hot chicks. Howard said for a half hour he'd eat Katy Perry and then the second half he'd eat Larry King or someone like that. He said vampires don't care about if it's a man or a woman. Howard said that it just seems like he would do that with the hot girls.
Howard did his vampire voice and talked about eating certain people. He said he would eat the Kardashians and they were ''yech'' along with Bruce Jenner. Howard said that he would eat Ryan Seacrest. Howard said he would ask him what he says at the end of American Idol. He said he'd say ''Seacrest, out!'' and then he'd eat him. Howard said every once in a while he would make another vampire just to stop from being lonely. Howard said he thinks it would be a great show. Howard said he had the top 5 but then he said he had to take a break first. They went right to break.
Howard came back and asked what story he heard about Guns N' Roses. Fred said it was Sympathy for the Devil. He said Axl didn't like the way Slash played the lead. Howard said Axl went in and hired another guitarist for the track. Fred said that was too much for Slash and that's what led to the break up.
Howard said he was talking about that I Heart Radio thing earlier. Howard said this was a 2 hour special. Howard said JD pulled some audio from the special. He said that it sounds like someone held up their phone and recorded it with their friends. Howard played the clip of Taylor Swift performing and Robin said it sounds like a pirated clip. Howard said Sam Smith played there too. Howard played a clip of his performance and the audio wasn't very good on that one either. Howard said that they should have fired the engineer who put that together. Howard said they were carrying on about this whole thing. Howard said they have top names performing and that's the quality they have. Howard said that it's a complete fuck up with their audio chain. It wasn't just one song.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been trying to upgrade his parent's technology. Howard said it's a nightmare. He said his parents don't know how to use the phone in their car but they do answer it. Howard said that he's been trying to get his mom voice mail and she won't have it. Howard said he calls and she never picks up. Howard said he got them voice mail and you would have thought he put them on the moon. Howard said she says she can do the voice mail and he should see. Howard said it's not that hard. Howard said up until last year his dad was recording on VCRs. He said that he finally got them to upgrade to a DVR. Howard said they are getting lessons in DVR. He said they're teaching them. Howard said he has someone teaching them.
The caller said his parents had an old TV that was huge. He got them a flat screen to upgrade them. He said his mother yelled at him over that. He said she thought it was perfectly fine. Howard said he feels like he has to upgrade them because he's embarrassed. He said he has money so he wants to help them.
The caller said his mother wanted him to take their 400 pound TV up to the bedroom for them. He said he slid the TV off the stand and left it in the room. Howard said he hopes he's not like that in 20 years. Howard said he wants to stay alive to see all of this stuff. He said he heard there's a new OS for the iPhone and Siri is going to have a major upgrade. He said he can't wait for new technology.
Howard asked if Jon Hein had heard anything about IOS 9 yet. Gary said Jon said no. The caller said that this is going on every day now. He said his dad had closed caption on the TV and he didn't know how to turn it off. He said he just put masking tape on the TV to cover it up. He said he pretty much ruined the whole screen. The caller asked what his advice is. Howard told him to just give up. The caller said he thinks he will. He said he tried to get them an answering machine once but that didn't work out well.
Howard said he had to just go over and do it for his parents. Howard said this guy's parents are 85. Howard said once they get into their 90s forget it. Robin said she wanted to teach her mother how to text or email but forget that.
Howard said coming in at number 4 is Ed Sheeran. He played a version that High Pitch Eric sang. Number 3 was Hozier and he had a clip of Robin singing that song. Howard said at number 2 is Taylor Swift. He had High Pitch Eric singing that one too. Howard said number 1 is Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars. Howard played some of the song and said he liked Bruno's other song better.
Howard said that they got a lot of email about Gwyneth Paltrow's interview. Howard said they had a lot of positive email about her. Howard said they got a lot of mail about Robin's singing. Someone said that their cat shot off the couch when it heard her singing.
Howard said that they got some compliments on Sal's ''Huge Boobs'' song parody. Howard asked Fred if he had that available. Fred said he'd look for it but Gary already had it up for him. Howard played the song parody.
Howard said that Charlie Sheen has been tweeting very strange stuff even for Charlie Sheen. Howard said that he's tweeting stuff about the Kardashians. He said he apparently doesn't like him. Howard said that they have Charlie Sheen the Twitter Musical. He played the bit the guys created about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the Pete Wentz interview was really good. He asked what Beth thinks of him re-signing with AGT. Howard said she's fine as long as he doesn't stand around and whine about how miserable he is. Howard said Beth felt that he was into doing it so she was behind him. Howard said that he didn't think he was going to complain so much. The caller said that he enjoys going to see him doing that. Howard told him to come out again. Howard said they have fun doing that. He said they start up soon and he thinks it's the same cast. He said he hasn't heard any differently.
Howard played Ronnie singing a ''I Love Cock'' song parody. Howard said he must really love cock. Howard said he has a couple of things to play. He said Big Foot is in a relationship. Howard said they have to get under his console and tape all of the wires. He asked how this happens. Howard said that Big Foot has a girlfriend and he thinks it's a dude. Howard said he claims that she's a hermaphrodite or something. Howard said he thinks that Big Foot just wants to be with anyone who wants to be with him. Howard said Jon Leiberman called him to get an update. Howard played the clip of Jon talking to Big Foot. Big Foot and his girlfriend were talking about having sex and how she has to heal up because his dick is so big. Howard said he thinks that he is a woman as much as Jon Hein is a woman. Howard said Big Foot is sticking that big cock in that ass and it's injuring him. Howard said he is dying to meet this Danielle person.
Howard said a lot of people wonder why Dan's movie career wasn't bigger. Howard said that Martin Short is another one like that. Howard said they're huge talents. Howard said that this guy is so versatile. Howard said that he's thrilled he's coming in. He said he's really excited about that.
Robin said maybe they expected Dan to write his own thing. Robin said that they didn't end up seeing any of that gold. Howard said he's really thrilled about the booking. He said it's very exciting.
Howard said in France they have a huge Muslim community and this is what they're coming up with to get out of this whole thing. Howard said now it turns out that it's shape shifting Jews who turn into Muslims to make them look bad. Howard said that's what we're dealing with.
Howard said Isaac Mizrahi was on QVC and he was arguing that the Moon is a planet. Howard said this is crazy too. Howard played the clip and Isaac was talking about ''the planet moon'' and telling the host that it's a planet and he insisted it was. He didn't know if the sun was a star. He kept saying that the moon is a planet.
Howard said he has to interrupt. He said if you're watching this on QVC and seeing this then you have to be annoyed. Howard said you have to want to rip your eyes out. Howard played more of the argument and Isaac stuck with his thoughts that it was a planet. Even when they gave him the description of the moon he said that if things live on it then it's a planet. Howard said he's a fucking maniac. Howard said that dude is successful too. He said it shows that you don't have to be that smart to be successful. Howard did a live commercial and then went to break.
Gary said he read that he was depressed from gaining weight. Howard said that would be so awesome if he ballooned up to 500 pounds. Gary said the publicist says he's fine. Howard said he wants to talk to Richard. He told Gary to reach out. Robin said that might scare him. Howard told Gary to tell them he wants to call off the air but he really wants to do it on the air.
Howard said he has an idea. He said the Taken movie just came out. Howard said that maybe in Taken 4 they can't find Richard Simmons. Howard said that maybe in this one Liam Neeson doesn't even care that he's missing. Howard said that he doesn't take the case because of that.
Howard said it would be ironic if Richard became fat. Howard said either that or a giant fat lady sat on him and killed him. Howard said maybe in Taken 4 they find that an obese person fell on him and killed him. Howard said then Liam has to fight fat people.
The caller asked Robin how much she likes having her own booth so she doesn't have to smell the guests they have in there. Robin said he has no idea. Howard said he farts in there a lot. Howard said that Benjy must smell it. Benjy said he thinks he does sometimes.
Howard said he has Richard Simmons on the line. Howard picked up and it was the guys in the back playing clips of Richard crying and talking about how he wants to help other people. Then he asks for a Kleenex. Then he said he thinks he has to take a break. Howard let him go and moved on to the news.
Robin started her news with a story about an 18 year old who was estranged from her dad and now she's back together with him and they are engaged to be married. Robin said she hopes this is a hoax. Robin said that they want to move to New Jersey because adult incest is legal there.
Robin read about how Bill Cosby was embraced by fans at a comedy show he did in California. Howard said that he'd like to know who these fans are.
Howard said Lisa G went out on the street and asked some people about Bill Cosby. He had a clip of one guy defending Bill Cosby. He was defending Spanish Fly saying that it was the thing back in the day. The guy said that Bill Cosby is like the Last of the Mohegans. The guy said he thinks that any married woman who would be in a hotel room with Cosby is there for one reason.
Howard said he has a clip of Omarosa talking about working for Bill Cosby and his wife. She was interviewed about that and she said she can't talk about working for them because of a non-disclosure she sighed. She said that she would have a lot of stories to tell if she could talk. She was asked if she was surprised by the allegations. Omarosa said she wasn't.
Howard asked who is showing up at these shows to cheer for him. Robin said she doesn't have any names. Robin said he was greeted warmly and left to a standing ovation. Howard said he doesn't get that. Howard said there are 15 women who came forward and you have to wonder. Howard said that at least you don't give him a standing ovation. Robin said only one protestor showed up to that show.
Benjy asked how he would handle the situation if he was a close friend of Cosby's. Howard said he would end the relationship. He said he has daughters and he can't stand for that kind of thing. Howard said he thinks he'd just quietly be unavailable. Robin asked if he was as close to him as Jimmy Kimmel then what would he do. Howard said he would just lose his number. Howard said he can't support something like that. Howard said he won't ask. Robin said that if it was Jimmy then what would he do. Howard said he is a nice, fun guy who doesn't rape people. He said if he did something like that of course he's going to lose his number. Robin said she doesn't think that he's going to bail that quickly. Howard said after one allegation maybe not. After 15 he's out. Howard said he has lost people's numbers over a lot less. He said he's lost numbers because people's kids were annoying. Robin said she had some friends who were accused of some horrible things and she got a call from them asking if she knows they would never do that. Robin said she had no idea. She said that she lost their number. Robin said they did have the conversation and they said ''You know we didn't...'' and she said ''No we don't.''
Gary told Howard that they claim that it's 24 women who have come forward for the Cosby thing. Howard said they lose people's numbers all the time. Robin said that Dave Herman was accused of some horrible things. Howard said he claims he was set up. Howard said he claims he was set up by the woman he was trying to meet. He said that he claims she said he wanted to have sex with her kid. Howard said he really doesn't know what went on there. Howard said sometimes there are people who are accused falsely. Howard said that when you have 24 people accusing you of the same thing then he has to wonder.
Robin asked Howard how Patrick Schwarzenegger knows when he's on vacation when his whole life is a vacation. Howard said he doesn't think that Maria Shriver would put up with any shit. Howard said that she must be putting up with him hanging out with Miley Cyrus. Howard said he heard that Miley's brother is dating Patrick's sister. Howard said he thinks that's what they're reporting. Gary said TMZ is reporting that. Howard said maybe Billy Ray should fuck Maria and make it a whole family thing. Robin said she saw a preview for a new Terminator movie and she thinks that it looks good.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said The Bachelor last night was crazy. Howard played a ''Boring'' clip for that without even saying anything. Howard asked what he's supposed to do with that. Howard asked how he loses Jeff's number. Jeff kept asking questions while they played a ''Jeff's a bore'' song parody. Howard said The Bachelor is a really good show. Howard said last night they had like a dozen women in bikinis and they looked like models. Howard said this guy is a farmer and he can't put two sentences together. Howard said that these women could get any man they want and this guy has bitch tits. He said they look like B-cups. Jeff said one of the girls had googly eyes last week. Howard said he can't talk Bachelor with him. He said it's too difficult. Howard said he has no idea what he's talking about. Jeff said he's talking about the one with the freaky eyes. They played some more Jeff the Bore song parodies for him.
Howard said he loves talking about The Bachelor but not with Jeff. Howard said one of the girls is a train wreck. Howard said last night they were in the middle of a bikini party and this girl pulled the Bachelor aside and tells him a story about how her husband killed himself and how she's stuck at home with her kid. Howard said he looked like he wanted to get rid of her. Howard said he has to wait a couple of episodes to get rid of her. Howard said you could see his eyes rolling into his head. Howard said there's a time to bring that up and it's not at a pool party. Howard said she was going for the sympathy angle.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would ever be deputized like Elvis was. Howard said he hasn't. Howard said Elvis was out of his mind. Robin said so was Nixon. Howard said that Elvis was out of his mind. Howard said he could have fucked anyone he waned to and all he had a hard on for was being a cop. Howard said Nixon gave him a dopey title and a badge and he stated driving around Memphis at night with a bubble on his car and he'd pull out his badge and pull people over. Howard said that is so bizarre. Howard said he was just a fat hillbilly who could sing. The caller asked if he has ever helped law by taking information. Howard said you just avoid the law. Howard said if a cop tells you to put your hands behind your back you just do it. The caller said that they can be kind of stealthy. Robin said she has no idea what he's talking about.
Gary said he's reading a book about Nixon and they talk about that Elvis thing. He said Nixon would hear that people said nice things about him and he'd bring them in to do things like that badge thing with Elvis.
Robin got back to her news and read about Liam Gallagher who is in a paternity case and they can't get out of court. Howard said he was reading about these guys. Howard said that the Gallaghers from Oasis can't stay in a band together. Howard said it's the same with the guys from the Black Crows. Howard said that the Gallaghers can't stand each other. He said that's all they have though. Robin said that this woman came to an agreement and then she hauled him back to court. Robin said if you have a fling and the guy didn't agree to have children then what does he owe her? She said that sex isn't an agreement to have children together. Howard went into a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a boy who claimed to have come back from heaven. Howard said that he remembers that story. Howard said he wasn't dead. Howard said people claim they died and saw heaven. Howard said when you die you don't come back. Howard said that you may have lost a heart beat but you don't come back from death. Howard said dead is dead. Howard said if someone claims they did then you take them and throw them out a window or something. Howard said this 7 year old kid was either lying or hallucinating. Robin said it turns out he was lying. Robin said he said he said that because he thought it would get him attention. Robin said the kid is trying to get people to stop making him an icon. Howard said ti's nice of him to admit it. Robin said the story was turned into a book and it became a best seller in 2010. Robin said that the coma he was in lasted 2 months and he ended up paralyzed. Robin said that the boy sent an open letter about the book and he apologized for keeping it so short but his injuries keep him from writing in more detail. Robin said the boy's name was Alex Malarkey. Howard said that's the funny part of the whole thing. His last name is Malarkey.
Robin read about American Sniper coming in number 1 at the box office over the weekend. Robin said they say that it was underestimated when they predicted $50 million. Robin said that they say it's tapping into a lot of people all around the country. Robin said that they say it was the third week of release and they're attributing that to the word of mouth and buzz about the movie. Howard said he's thrilled for Bradley Cooper and Clint Eastwood. Robin said Seth Rogen and Michael Moore have come out saying that the movie takes a pro-war stance. Howard said he's not sure about that. He said he doesn't think that's what the message was. Robin said that Michael Moore had some comments about the movie too and he was saying that he was raised to think that snipers are not heroes because his uncle was killed by one in World War II. Howard said he's not sure how anyone could watch that film and not feel patriotic. Howard said that you're talking about guys who voluntarily go to fight war. Howard said that he's not sure how you can see it any other way. Howard said he thinks it's a fantastic movie.
Robin read about the Oscar nominations. Robin had some audio of the President of the Academy reading the nominees for Best Picture. Howard said that's going to be a very tough category. He said that every one of those movies is really good other than Birdman. Howard said that he hasn't seen Selma yet. Howard said that Birdman is just boring. He said you'll want to hang yourself watching it. Howard said he thinks that Whiplash and American Sniper are the two contenders. Howard said if it goes to American Sniper then Bradley has to go on stage and thank them. Robin said not for that category but for Best Actor he might. Robin had audio of Best Actor nominees being announced. Steve Carell was in that one. Howard said he's rooting for Steve too. Robin had some audio of Best Actress being announced too. Robin and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about those nominees too.
Gary told Howard that JD feels very strongly for Birdman. Howard said he can come in and debate it but it's not a good movie. JD told Howard to stop bad mouthing movies. Howard said that what JD did for ''It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'' was a joke. JD said it was not. He said it comes on tomorrow night by the way.
Howard said birdman is a very pretentious movie and it's crap. He said everyone is a kook. He said that it's a stupid movie and a big waste of time. JD said that it was technically really well done. Howard said that doesn't matter. JD said it was about a guy trying to do something different. Howard said Michael Keaton took what he could get an he's got to be shocked as anyone that it was nominated. JD said the movie was really good. Howard said it's a piece of garbage. Robin said she didn't like Boyhood. JD said he wants to see that too. Howard said he's a fan of movies. JD said he is too. Howard said eh's bigger than JD. JD said he would debate him on that too. Howard said if he were smart he'd just say ''Okay boss.'' Howard said Birdman is a piece of shit. Robin said she would argue that she's a bigger fan of movies than anyone there. Howard kicked JD out a short time later. Howard said American Sniper and Whiplash are great movies, not Birdman.
Robin said that ISIS has some Japanese hostages. They are threatening to kill them. Robin said they released a video today and they are threatening to kill them. Robin had some audio of one of the ISIS guys talking and Howard said that audio was better than the I Heart Radio concert audio.
Robin read a story about some controversy over the New England Patriots possibly using deflated footballs during a game over the weekend. Robin had some audio of someone commenting on that.
Howard said that movie ''Boyhood'' was interesting. He said they cast a kid who was cute and he grew up to be weird. Robin said that he didn't grow up well and that's the story right there. Howard said he was a cute kid too and he grew up awkward. Howard said he became very disturbing to look at. Howard said it went very wrong. Howard said he liked the movie though. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Robin read a story about how a NFL player saved a woman's life on his drive home. Robin said he came across a car accident and offered his assistance. Howard said he would never do that himself. He said this guy is a good guy. Robin said that he pulled the woman out of her car with one arm. Robin had audio of the guy talking about how he helped. Howard said the NFL is so thrilled with this story that they're hoping for more. Robin said the woman in the accident was charged with DWI. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Howard asked Robin if she likes the movie Boyhood. Robin laughed. Howard said he thinks that kid doesn't even want to be an actor anymore. Howard said he's not sure where you see that movie. Howard said there's something wrong when the most celebrated night in film, no one has seen the movie.
Robin read a story about a family in Florida whose dogs killed their 18 month old boy. Robin said the large dogs are now in animal services. Robin said one of the dogs is 18 months old. Robin said she doesn't think you take those dogs back.
Robin read a story about Pope Francis who wants church members to be responsible parents. Robin said that he says Catholics don't have to act like rabbits and have as many babies as possible. Howard said he thought they were against birth control. Robin said there are ways to do family planning without birth control. Howard asked if he's for having kids then why isn't the Pope having kids. Robin said he's making too much sense now. Howard asked if the Pope is advocating anal. Robin said that could be. Robin said that the Pope is coming to New York and Philadelphia soon too.
Robin read about the Lifetime movie about Whitney Houston that had record ratings for the channel. Robin said she thinks that it's more about the story about how Whitney ruined Bobby Brown's life. Howard said they do a scene where she's singing and she just doesn't sound herself. Howard played a clip of Robin singing ''I Will Always Love You.'' Howard said that's the worst part of the movie. Robin said Howard didn't see the movie but they make Bobby look like he was perfect until he met Whitney.
Robin read about how realty TV show star Greg Plitt was killed while filming on train tracks. Robin said he tripped and fell on the tracks right as the train was coming through. Robin said they didn't have permission to be there. Robin said they were recording a fitness video at the time. Howard asked who would film a fitness video there.
Robin read a story about a couple that was arguing about weather or not to circumcise their son. Robin said that a judge has ordered in favor of the father allowing the circumcision. Howard said that he agrees that it's barbaric.
Robin said that Tiger Woods went to see his girlfriend ski and she won. Robin said that Woods was accidentally struck in the mouth with a shoulder mounted camera and he lost a tooth. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Jon played a clip of Howard playing the audio of people talking about ''Jan Hein'' out on the street. Jon said that it's flattering to be included in a bit on the show. He said it's also embarrassing at times. Jon said he has to laugh at that. HE said that he thinks Robin has been laughing at her own singing too. He said that deep down he doesn't want to be a butch lesbian but deep down Robin may want to be a good singer. Jon said that they have a lot to talk about today.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard mentioned he's going to interview Dan Aykroyd and he thinks that he did a great film called Neighbor and he hopes Howard asks him about that. He said he also thinks Benjy is doing this weight loss thing for attention.
Jon said he can't wait for Aykroyd. He said that they are all excited for that. Jon said that he thinks that Benjy chooses a unique form of motivation to get him going. He said they'll have to see what happens with that. He went to break after that.
Jon said that the guys in the band thought of that as a love letter to her but that didn't really help his marriage out. Jon said that he's happy for Pete's success and he hopes he has more of it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he saw American Sniper on Friday and there were about 7-10 people who were protesting the movie. Jon asked if he thought it was propaganda. The caller said he loved it and thought it was a great movie. Jon said he gets it and he knows it's controversial. He said that you have to see the movie before you judge.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was watching the news this morning about the movie. He said he wondered what Jon thought about all of that. HE said that Seth Rogen is a friend of the show and he was saying stuff about it too. He said he thought the movie was great and he doesn't think it was propaganda either. The caller said that he thinks that we just need to give these guys the respect they deserve when they come home. Jon said that you should read Chris Kyle's book and see the movie.
Jon said they were talking a lot about movies and this is just a sample of that. He said that Howard has always been pro military.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he would be upset if people were calling him a lesbian behind his back. He asked how pissed he is at Sal for starting that bit. Jon said he can't get pissed at Sal. He said he does it to everyone. Jon said he was in Vegas at CES and he was playing Craps and the guy in the middle was looking at him kind of weird. He said that one of the guys mentioned the fat lesbian thing during the game and he wondered if he was really doing that to him during a Craps game. Jon said Sal breaks balls there and that's just the way things go there on the show. He said he loves Sal and thinks he's a very funny guy. He said you just have to roll with it there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he is a 26 year veteran and his wife is a 19 year veteran. He said they lost their son in Iraq in 2007. He said he thinks that American Sniper was outstanding. He said that it told a story about a man who served his country. He said he thinks that Michael Moore is just an ass. He said that he's being very insensitive. The caller said that he appreciates that Howard backs the military the way he does. The caller said they really do appreciate people and what they have to say when they say they appreciate the sacrifice. Jon said Howard has always supported them. He said that he may not agree with everything the government does but he does support the troops.
Jon had Jon Leiberman in to give his Howard 100 News headlines. Leiberman ran through a few of those and then went to break.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Scott thinks he was taking a bullet for him. Gary said he's not sure. He said Howard didn't fire one but he could have.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he had his Colonoscopy last month and he thought it was great because he had Propofol. Gary said he thinks that's what he had. He said when he woke up he thinks he said something about Mary and rambled all kinds of stuff for a half hour that he didn't remember. Gary said that before that they were talking about a garden and that's what he had in his head when he came out of it.
Jon said that Pete Wentz was in today and he was very revealing. Gary said he thinks he's very open and honest when he comes in. Gary said that it's interesting when he talks about how all of his friends thought the banging my dream girl thing was nice but then the girls don't really agree with that.
Gary said that his wife will ask him not to talk about certain things. He said that if it happened all the time it would suck.
Jon said they have results on the poll. He said that 91 percent of the votes say that Benjy must be curious and he wants to lose the challenge.
Jon took a call from Wheels who said that he thinks Benjy will do it eventually. He said that he thinks that he should weigh in today so he can't bulk up tonight and come in tomorrow to get weighed in. Gary said he did that once where he bulked up.
Jon asked what they think about Benjy wanting to be rewarded for losing weight. Gary said that was odd. Wheels said they should grab him now and weigh him today. Gary said it really doesn't matter. Wheels asked Jon why he never goes in when Howard talks about him. Jon said he only goes in when Howard asks him to come in. He said he sticks to protocol there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's shocked that Howard didn't like Birdman. He said he thought that it was similar to Howard's career. He said maybe Howard didn't get it or he didn't watch it. Gary said he hasn't seen it yet. He said that it's one of the most polarizing movies that came out this year. He said some people love it and some say they hated it.
Jon read a tweet from Rich Eisen who said that he meant everything he said about Howard. Jon wrapped up the show and got in a plug for today's Sternthology. They were done around 11:55am.
Howard started the show talking about how it's hour 1 of his torture of not eating. Howard said Benjy was just eating a big bag of nuts and stuffing himself. Howard said it wouldn't hurt him to pretend he has to get a Colonoscopy. Howard said he's not clear on what he's supposed to be doing. He said he thinks he can drink grapefruit juice without pulp. He said he left that at home. Howard said he wishes he could just drink that. He said he'd be happy just doing that. Howard said it's apparently impossible to get it without pulp. Robin said he could have brought a thermos.
Howard read the instructions about how to prepare. Howard said that he has to take stool softener. He said he wishes they could just x-ray him instead of doing all of this. Howard said he has to take the Dulcolax and all of that. They say don't eat food or drink milk. He can only have coffee, tea, Jell-O but not red. He said he can have clear chicken or beef broth. He said he can have apple juice too. He said that he likes so he asked Will to get him that. Howard said he can drink white grape juice too. Howard said he hates Gatorade. Howard said he can drink fruit flavored drinks. Robin said they aren't real juice.
Gary came in with apple juice. Howard said that's great. He said it's like a party for him. Robin asked if they have to bring it all in at once. Howard said Gary wants it all in there at once. Gary said he can put some in the refrigerator. Howard thanked him for that. Robin said there are 4 in the room with him right now. Robin said Jason just brought two others in there. Howard said maybe Jason can put those two in the fridge. Howard said he didn't know that he could drink that. Howard said it's kind of brown. Robin said they didn't say he can't drink that.
Jason came in and took the apple juice out. Howard said he is a big boy. Jason said he knows. Howard asked what he's eating. Jason said he's working on getting a handle on it. Jason said he's eating a protein bar when he wakes up. Howard said it wouldn't hurt Jason to do this thing. Jason said he's working on it.
Howard asked what else he's eating. Jason said he's eating eggs after the protein bar. Howard told him to cut out the bar. He asked what he weighs. Jason said he's about 280. Howard said he has to be over 300. Jason said no way. Howard said his heart must be pounding. He asked if he has palpitations. Jason said he does not.
Howard asked what else he's eating. Jason said it's the protein bar, the omelet... Howard asked what protein bar he's eating. Jason said he's not sure of the name. Howard said he has to know. Howard said it's basically a candy bar. Jason said he doesn't know that. He said he'd rather eat a candy bar.
Jason said he gets the omelet with cheese and bacon. Howard asked how many eggs. Jason said it's two eggs. Howard said he's already had two breakfasts. Jason said he has a vitamix kind of machine so he has a fruit drink when he gets hungry around 11 or 12. Howard said that's his lunch. Howard asked how big the shake is. Jason said he has it next to his bag out there. He said he throws all kinds of stuff in that. He said he also has nuts to eat. Howard said that the size of the drink doesn't look so bad.
Howard asked what else he's eating. He said he's not 300 pounds from eating Kale. Jason said he normally eats fast food twice a week. Howard said he thinks he's full of shit. He said he has to come clean with him. Jason said this is what he eats at work. Howard said he is obese. Jason said he has bagels with cream cheese a couple of times a week. He said last night for dinner he had Chicken Devan. He said that it has rice and broccoli in it with cream of mushroom soup. Howard said he doesn't know how to help him. He said he's a disaster.
Howard said the new diet is this omelet and protein bar. He asked how he's going to lose weight on bacon and cheese. Jason said it has to be better than a bagel and cream cheese. Howard said he doesn't need the bacon and cheese in it. Jason said he likes it because it has protein in it. Howard said he has plenty with the eggs.
Jason said he knows he eats crappy. Jason said he eats whatever is in the house on the weekend. He said he has pizza for breakfast sometimes. Howard asked who cares and told him to go eat. Howard said that's a disaster eating pizza for breakfast. Howard said he should just eat until he explodes.
Howard asked Jason how old he is. Jason said he's going to be 36 soon. He said he's trying. He said he is making an attempt to eat healthier. Howard said it's not a hard thing to do. Howard said he can just enjoy a couple of bites of something. Howard said he loves food too. He said it's not that hard to control yourself between meals. Robin said Howard doesn't know what it's like being in someone else's body.
Howard said he's amazed that he even has anything left over when he orders pizza. Jason said they eat more than just pizza. He said they get other side orders and stuff. Howard asked how his wife is doing weight wise. Jason said he's not a help. He said that he tells her she doesn't have to eat the stuff he eats.
Howard said his father sat him down and talked to him about eating. Howard said his dad told him that he can eat anything. He said he loved the food in the Army. He said that he loved Chef Boyardee when he was a kid. Howard said Jason is consuming so much that it's outrageous. Howard said he's eating so much and he must shit all day long. Jason said he does twice a day. He said it is a full time job. Jason said the flip side is that he doesn't exercise at all. He said he doesn't walk or bike ride. He said he knows he has to get in shape.
Howard played a ''Big, Fat, Annoying Jason Kaplan'' clip for Jason. Jason said he knows it's not a good situation.
Howard asked what he thinks would be the perfect diet. Jason ran down a few things that he could eat and mentioned turkey bacon. Howard asked why he needs bacon. Jason said he likes meat. Jason said that he would do portion control when he eats meals. Howard said he can have a very low calorie meal. Howard said he had a trough of food last night. He said he had a Wok that he filled with broccoli, Brussels sprouts, pea pods and all of that stuff. He said he has fish meatballs too. He said it's like a meatball but with fish. Howard said that it was a lot of food. Robin said there are no vegetables in Jason's diet. Howard said 80 percent of what he ate last night was vegetables. Jason said he eats salads but he has a lot of extra stuff on top.
Howard asked if Jason has had a Colonoscopy. Jason said he's only 35. Robin said he's too young. Jason said his dad sat him down and talked to him about his weight. He said that's why he's on this diet. Howard said that was nice of him. Jason said he's working on it. Howard asked if it's hard to have sex with that huge belly. Jason said it is. He said he gets out of breath easily. Jason said when he hit 33 years old it was a big change for him. He said the last couple of years have been tough. Howard said the weed isn't helping. Jason said he's cutting back on that too. He said it's baby steps. Howard said he has to take rhino steps.
Howard said that he's there to help if he needs it. Howard told him to cut out the protein bar. Howard said he has no snacks himself. He said he may have an apple if he's hungry. Jason said that doesn't fill him up. Howard said he doesn't need to be filled up. He said he eats around 6:30 and then around 11 he eats lunch. Howard said then he has something around 3 like an apple. Howard said he will have dinner around 4:30 or 5. He said it's a healthy meal though. He said he had eggplant Parmesan for dinner the other night. He said they had cheese on that. Howard said that he put some extra vegetables in there as well. Howard said you just have to eat in moderation. Howard said Jason has packets of mayonnaise in his desk drawer. Jason said he uses those on meals he gets from restaurants. Howard said that he has to cut that out.
Howard said that he may have a second apple or other fruit if he gets hungry. Jason said that he feels he has to eat until his hunger goes away. Howard said he's really not that hungry. He said he just has to stop himself from doing that.
Howard said that he has told Benjy he doesn't need sex more than once a day. He said Benjy was able to adjust to that. Howard said he used to eat a ton of food. He said he's never really that hungry. He said that he is hungry and the next meal is just a couple of hours away. He said that he can wait. He said he doesn't need the mayonnaise either. He said food tastes really good when you don't eat so much. Howard said even Brussels sprouts are good when you don't eat much. Howard said the apple juice this morning is like a party for him. He said that it's like giving heroin to a heroin addict. Jason said he would drink that trying to be healthy. Howard said it's all sugars. He said he's just drinking it because he's not eating anything today.
Howard said he would wake up in Mexico and go on a 2 hour hike with his wife. Howard said it was all hills. He said it was beautiful. Howard said the trick is not to eat like a horse after that. Howard said walking doesn't do jack shit. Howard said just walk and you'll feel great. Howard told him not to be a pussy. He said he can't give in to all of his desires. Jason said he knows he can do it because he has done it before. Jason said he knows he can do this.
Howard told Jason to get some fish for dinner. He said he can get some grilled salmon and have some rice. He said he can have a handful of brown rice. Howard said he just has to keep the portions under control. Howard said he has to get off of that shit. He said he looks like he's dying. Howard said Jason is one of the few people he likes. Jason said he appreciates the advice. Howard told him to get out of there and go eat like a pig. Howard said he knows he's hungry how. Howard said they just wasted a half hour on a guy who is going to go eat like a pig anyway.
Ed asked if Howard would write him an endorsement. Howard said no way to that. Howard said he's not going to endorse a guy who fucks his couch. Howard said Ed really wants to do something. He told him to tell Robin what his platform is. Ed said he is a man of the people and he'd tell the incumbent to go fuck himself.
Howard said Ed thinks that more people should be on SSI because it would help the economy in some way. Ed said he would cut back on jobs by making the mail man do garbage pick up and things like that. They would also be the police. Howard said that maybe there's not much crime up in North Tonawanda.
Ed said that he wants to run in Buffalo now. Howard said that Ed would consider having Jeff the Drunk on his team too. Howard said Ed wants more people on SSI. Ed said if he gets this position he would be off SSI. He said that he can stay on it but they take a dollar out of his SSI.
Howard said Ed is pro death penalty too. Howard said that he wants to cut taxes, cut spending and cut paychecks. Robin said he's going to be a very unpopular candidate. Ed said he wants to open the Mayoral office to the people so he can be a man of the people. He said he would have a party and have strippers and stuff. Robin said he must be inspired by Rob Ford. Ed said he's a man of the people too.
Ed said that he wants Howard to endorse him. Howard said this guy fucks peanut butter jars and then eats the peanut butter. Howard said he's not going to endorse that. Howard said he eats the peanut butter with his own cum in it. Ed said that's not a big deal. He asked if Howard has ever tossed a salad. Howard said no. Ed said Howard has eaten pussy. Howard said yeah. Ed asked what the difference is. Ed said that it's an inch away. Howard said he's a good debater. Howard said he doesn't eat his own load though. Ed said that's called felching.
Ed said he has one last thing. He said that Howard keeps telling everyone to use baby wipes. Ed said that he had worms and it was Howard's fault. He said Howard kept telling him to use the baby wipes. He said that he had to go and buy a blow dryer. He said that it wasn't drying out back there. Howard said he's not sure what Ed is doing back there. Howard said he has friends who use them and they have no problem. Ed said if you blow dry your ass then it stays dry back there. Howard said he has to go. Ed asked again if he'll recommend him to a different city. Howard said go to another city. Howard said he doesn't know what city. Howard asked what he needs him for. Ed said that it has to be a small town. Howard said he won't give him a recommendation.
Ed asked Benjy if he would be a roastee at a roast. Howard told him to say no. Benjy said probably not but he will endorse him if Howard is okay with that. Howard said he's fine with that. Ed asked if Robin will do that. Robin said she already said no. Howard said that Ed just called Robin ''Maria'' for some reason. Ed said it must be his medication.
Howard asked what Ed is doing today. Ed said he's going to the dollar store. He has to get Velveeta cheese, milk, punch, cotton candy, Whoppers, tuna, Velcro tape and mayonnaise. Howard said the Velcro must be for the girl he has in his basement. Ed said that it's for his bathroom actually. Howard said Ed doesn't work and he can go to the dollar store and not work. He said he's being frugal and spending just a little bit. Howard said that's great.
Ed said he wants to run for mayor and he thinks he can do it. Howard wished him luck. Howard let him go and Ed gave him an ''819'' as he was letting him go.
Howard said there was a town that had a cat elected as mayor. Howard said that Ed would be worse than that. He said Ed can fuck things up. Fred found the cat story and told Howard it's up in Alaska. Fred said he would vote for the cat over Ed.
Howard said that they say you will begin to have bowel movements. Howard said that he has to tape this. He said he needs a recording device. Howard said that he will have bowel movements between 1 and 5 hours after taking the Miralax. Howard said the movements will continue periodically after that. Howard said he just wants to go to bed at that point. Howard said then he has to put that in the fridge. Howard said he has to get up at 4 and drink the rest of it. Howard said he has to do it the same way he did the other half.
Robin said he might as well not go to sleep. Howard said Beth asked if she should sleep in the same bed. Howard said he told her that it's not going to be pretty so he doesn't want to ruin anything. He said he's going to have her sleep somewhere else. Howard said he has to drink from 5-6 and then has his appointment at 9. Robin said she thought he had to shit before going. Howard said it should be all gone by then. Howard said that he can't drive himself. He said he has to have someone drive him. Howard said he lives his life like he's doing that every day already.
Howard said that he has had two bottles of apple juice already. He said it would be funny if he taped the Dulcolax thing. Gary said he has a small recorder for that. He said he could use his iPhone. Howard said he'd rather not. Howard said he would rather have a recorder.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Robin is wrong about 90 percent of the medical stuff she says. He said that Dulcolax is a laxative. He said that it's not a stool softener. Robin said that's what they say it is. The caller said it's a laxative. He wished Howard the best of luck. Howard said he's done it before and he knows what to expect.
Howard said stool is so gross. He said that he'd rather just call it shit. Howard said bowel movements and stool are gross. Howard said this is all to prevent colon cancer. Howard said that if you get it then they're up your asshole operating.
Howard said that tonight it's going to be a mess. He played a clip of a wet fart sound. Fred said he's had two of these already and they are not pleasant. He said it's the prep that's the hard part. Howard said that's right.
Howard played a bit they had for John Oates asking people not to confuse him for Baba Booey. They played a Baba Booey song parody and then went to break.
Dave said everyone loves Jimmy Fallon. He said that must be because of his smile. He said he's always smiling like he just sat on a dildo. Dave said that Nicole Bass' vagina is like his future. He said he doesn't know what he's looking at. Robin said it might be time for him to retire.
Dave said he's retiring in a couple of weeks. He asked Robin, since she's black, what is it like to not work. Robin said that's not right. Dave asked if he can have Robin's mom's address so he can visit her since she won't know to call the cops due to dementia.
Dave asked Howard if he heard that SiriusXM closed down the Oprah channel. Howard said that's true. Dave asked if the plan is to find another celebrity to waste money on. Howard said that was a lot of money. He said that they will be saving a lot.
Dave asked if it's gay to like Barry Manilow's music. Robin said she knows people who aren't gay and like it. Dave asked if it's gay to blow a guy to Barry's music. Howard said that might be.
Dave said he jerked off to that Kim Kardashian show last night. He said no one gets him hard like that Bruce Jenner. Howard said he is outrageous today. Robin said he's just having fun. Dave said he is. Dave said he doesn't mind a few fingers up his ass but he hates washing his hands afterward.
Howard said he thinks that Dave is avoiding the fact that he's retiring. Dave said he just doesn't know what he's going to do now. He said that he has a tip on eating pussy. He said you eat it like pizza. You eat everything but the crust.
Dave said that ZsaZsa Gabor just lost a leg to gangrene. He said that he'd like to cum on her so hard. Howard said he is personally sad that he's retiring. Dave said he appreciates that. Howard said after this he feels better that he's retiring.
Dave asked if they watched Tina and Amy on the Oscars. Howard said they did. Dave said all he can think about is which one he would want to tongue him and which one would blow him.
Howard asked how his son Harry is doing. Dave said he's doing fine. Dave said he has someone to blame when he misses the toilet or someone to blame when someone writes Go Home Jew on the local synagogue.
Dave said he saw a blind Santa outside Macy's. He said he learned something about giving. He said tiny pebbles sound just like coins. Howard said that's right. Howard said he was a Salvation Army guy for a while.
Dave asked whose ass smells best after a work out, Jennifer Lopez, Kim Kardashian or Nicki Minaj. Dave said he thinks that Nicki is because she appears to be a good wiper. Howard said this is going to be an end of an era. Howard said that Dave is still going to be on this show though. Dave said he would like to be. Dave said when he retires he thinks he'll go on the Queen Latifah show and win over his brother peeps. He asked Howard if he has ever tasted Ethiopian food. Howard said h hasn't. Dave said neither have they. Howard let Dave go after that.
Robin said she doesn't think that he vets his material for them like he does on his late night show. Howard said he can be a little racier there. Howard asked if he really has to say that wasn't the real Dave. He said Dave has called them and said that people really don't know and he gets calls about the material they do. They went to break after that. As they went to break they played a Tube Bar prank call.
Howard said Gary told him that Ronnie wouldn't answer him about getting a Colonoscopy. Howard said that must mean no. He said that's just stupid. Howard said that it's not fun or funny. Howard asked if Ronnie is up there. Howard said he wants to know if he has had one. Ronnie came in and told him to leave him alone. Ronnie said he has never had one. Howard asked why not. Ronnie said Lisa G talks to him constantly about that.
Ronnie said he had that thing last year with the prostate biopsy. Howard didn't remember that. Ronnie said that he remembers everything else about his asshole. Howard said that they knock you out and you don't feel it. Howard said it's fine. Ronnie said he doesn't want to shit his brains out for two days. Howard said it's just one day. Howard said they are up your ass when you have colon cancer. Howard said his buddy just got a Colonoscopy and they took out some polyps. Howard said that he shouldn't be such a pussy and just go do it. Howard said he must have a fear. Ronnie said he has a thing with anesthesia. He had a bad experience as a kid. He said he had a weird reaction to the local they gave him for the biopsy thing too. He said that it might be psychological but whatever.
Howard said they give you Propofol and it's easy. Robin said she had a panic attack when she was being taken into the room. Robin said they got her into the pre-operating room and they started an IV line and calmed her down with something. She said after that she was calmed right down. That was when she had her titties reduced in size. Ronnie said he thinks they grew back. Robin said they did. Robin said just imagine how big they would be if she didn't get them cut off. Howard said she'd have the biggest titties in the world. Ronnie said girls pay a fortune for those things.
Howard said that he would go with Ronnie for a Colonoscopy if he wants him to. Ronnie said he doesn't have to do that. Howard said he heard that Steve Martin and some friends of his do the Colonoscopy thing together. He said they prep together and do all of that. Howard said they play poker the night before. Howard said Steve Martin must have like 50 bathrooms. Howard said he's sure his wife wouldn't put up with that.
Howard took another call from Bobo. Bobo told Ronnie to get it done. He said that it's a walk in the park. He said that it's nothing like going up the penis. Howard said he talked to his doctor about going up the penis and they said they will knock you out for that. Bobo said they don't though. Howard said some do apparently.
Howard said that he had something going on about a year ago and he had to call a urologist. He said that guy told him that it's not painful if he goes to him. Howard said he was cured just hearing him say that he would put something in his penis. Howard said that scared the shit out of him. Howard said he just had to tell him that he was going to put something up there.
Howard said that there is no way that a tube going up your penis is a good thing. Howard said that he would get knocked out for that.
Howard and Bobo told Ronnie to get the Colonoscopy. Ronnie said that he is in better shape than Bobo. Bobo said he could beat Ronnie at anything. Howard said he would love to see a Bobo and Ronnie Olympics. Ronnie said they don't do that shit around there anymore. He said they only do interviews around there. Howard let Bobo go after that. They played him out with another song parody about him being the worst caller ever.
Howard said it sounds like a medical issue. Howard said imagine his parents have to scrounge up the money to get him a nose job. Howard said he would pack up and leave right now if he was in the house with Hanzi. It sounded like he was about to wake up. He coughed but then went back to snoring in a more normal way. Howard said his snore is like he is when he's awake. Howard said he is going to hang up on him now.
Howard said that he'd like to know what that basement looks like. He wonders if it's finished or unfinished. Robin asked why they've never done an Embedded with Hanzi. Howard said maybe they can ask Jon Leiberman about that. Howard said that they may not be allowed in the house.
Fred read something from the web and they say that snoring like that can lead to learning or aggression problems. Fred read the details and Howard and Robin both gave him check marks on all of the things he was reading. Howard said he's like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. Howard said that he probably has a hole in his basement floor. Howard said he could listen to this all day long but he knows some people can't handle it. Howard said he can put him on hold. Howard said maybe he can check back with him later. Howard said he can't get enough.
Howard asked if they wanted it back. Fred said yes. Howard got Hanzi back on the line and listened to him snore a little more. Howard said he has to have JD explain to him what's going on with the Funkmaster Flex radio show. Howard said he has to get rid of Hanzi. He put him on hold. He said he should take a break first. He said he will fall behind if he doesn't. Howard said that was good. Howard said he's doing surprisingly well with his not eating. Robin said the apple juice is his savior. Howard said that it's 140 calories a bottle. He said it's just apple juice. Howard said this is more filling to him than food. Howard said he's stuffed from drinking 3 bottles. They went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's a pharmacist. He said that he wanted to talk about Dulcolax. He said they make both a stool softener and a laxative. He said that he needs the laxative. Howard said that he has to do the Miralax thing too. Howard said he got what his doctor told him to get. The caller told him which one he should have. Howard said he thinks he has the right one. The caller said that both of the things are laxatives. Howard said that his doctor would have made that distinction. Howard said it says ''over the counter Dulcolax.'' Howard thanked him and said he never should have talked about this on the air.
Howard asked Gary to contact Laura and ask her to double check the Dulcolax tablets. Howard said he wants to make sure he's taking the right ones. Howard said the caller, Matt, thinks he might be taking the wrong thing. Howard said he can't take it anymore.
Howard said he does a lot of work with kittens and cats. Howard said they have more cats going to new families. Howard said they have two cats that are going to end up with him if he doesn't do this. Howard said they're very cute cats and they're stuck in a cage. Howard said they have 6 of their own already and 5 kittens they're fostering. Howard said that both of the cats have been together since they were kittens. He said you have to take both. They have pictures up on the web site. Howard said they love to play and lounge. He said they're litter box trained of course. Howard said Beth loves them both. Howard said that they're coming home to them unless someone steps up. Howard said they will be in his apartment is someone doesn't step up.
Howard said he has six of his own already. Howard said they have been there at the shelter for almost 2 years. Robin said that's not good.
Gary told Howard that he has to take the two Dulcolax tablets. Howard said the Pharmacist said there are different types. Howard said he thought Gary was listening to the show. Gary didn't hear it. Howard told someone to explain it to Gary. Howard asked what this is. Gary said there are two types. Howard told Gary to tell her to call the doctor and ask which one is right. Gary said he's got it.
Howard said that the cats are great and you can write BethSternFosters@gmail.com if you're interested in the cats. Howard said that Beth is in love with them and so are the people at the shelter. Howard said that maybe someone is looking for two cats. Howard said they're great pets. Howard said maybe you won't jerk off so much if you have two pets to take care of.
JD said originally Flex got an email from a web site that Jay Z is associated with. He said they wanted to interview Funkmaster Flex about an app that he was doing. JD said Flex told them how this app was done and then Jay Z put out an app and he thinks that he helped Jay Z make his app. JD said there's another thing. He said there's a feud with Jay Z and this group Dipset. He said that Jay Z won't play their music at his club. He said that there's this magazine that tried to get an interview about the Dipset thing. Howard said he has no idea what he's talking about. He doesn't know what's going on.
Howard said that Jay Z is scary. Howard said that he's an ex gangster or something. Robin said he's given all of that up though. Howard asked if Flex is a scary guy. JD said he is a big guy. Howard asked if he could kick Jay Z's ass. JD said he thinks he's a scary guy. Howard said that he thought it was good radio but he didn't know what they were all yelling about. Now he has some idea.
JD said that Flex doesn't want to be used again so that's where all of this is coming from. Howard said he doesn't need a back story then. Howard played some of the audio from Funkmaster Flex's show where he talked about all of this. Howard started it and there were sound effects that made it sound like there was a problem with the clip. JD said he plays sound effects when he does these rants.
Howard played the clip again and Flex kept playing explosion sounds over his explanation. Howard let he clip play as Flex was going off on Jay Z about this Dipset thing. The bomb exploding sounds were played after every sentence Flex said.
Howard said back in Roosevelt they'd go ''Ooooo!'' when someone would go off on someone like that. He was doing that after a few lines Flex said. Howard said that they would also say something between ''damn'' and ''dang'' and showed Robin how they'd do that. Howard was doing both ''Ooooo'' and ''Daaang'' after each line. Then Flex started playing music and kept going off on Jay Z saying that he could ruin him.
Howard said that Jay Z texted Funkmaster Flex that night and then he came in the next day and talked about that. JD said all it said was ''This is HOVE.'' Howard asked what that means. JD said that they call Jay ''Hove'' like he's Jehovah or something. He said that pissed Flex off because he had ''Hove'' in all capital letters. Howard had a clip of Flex talking about that. He said that Jay sent him his name in all caps and he should have sent it in lower case. He said he has respect and he wouldn't do that. He said he won't let someone try to handle him. He said in 2015 he doesn't do the caps in the text. Flex said that Jay is a commercial, corporate rapper who drops a catch phrase once every few months. He said he's cool with that but he doesn't want him treating him like he's an employee.
Howard said Flex keeps using the term ''Bro'' and he thought that wasn't cool. Howard said he thinks that ''Brah'' is the thing to say. JD said he thinks that ''Bro'' is his way of saying that they're not bro's.
Howard played more of Flex going off on Jay Z. He said that his laugh is disrespectful too. He said that he should never capitalize his name in his phone again. He said that he will take action on this radio if he does that again.
Howard asked if they use that bomb thing on that station every time they get in a fight. JD said he thinks that's a Flex exclusive. He said he's used it before. Howard said JD needs a bra with the size of those titties. Howard asked whose side they're on in this. Howard said he's a radio guy so maybe they have to take his side. JD said he's staying neutral. Howard said he should too.
Howard said he likes when he cuts off the explosion sound. He said Fred should develop some kind of weapon sound too. Howard said maybe they should just get a real cannon in the studio and set it off when he gets angry at something.
Fred found an explosion sound to use. Howard said that's good until they get a real cannon. Howard did his impression of Flex with the explosion sounds. Howard said that's cool. Robin did some of that too. Howard said that he's looking weak with Fred's sound effect over there. Howard said Flex has the better sound effect.
Howard thanked JD for that. He said JD is monitoring all of that. Howard said that was awesome. Fred said that Jay Z stabbed a guy at the Kit-Cat club in 2011. He was sentenced to 3 years probation for that. Howard said that's nice. Howard said he didn't know you could do that and not go to prison.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Howard is using the right stuff. He said he just did the same thing and he used the Dulcolax laxative. He said you don't use the stool softener. He said you want to shit. Howard said he'll straighten this out with his doctor.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's just as white as everyone else in the room but he went to an heavily populated African American school. He said he thinks that they were saying ''Bruh'' and not Bra. Howard said he knows. He said he's all caught up in that whole Funkmaster Flex and Jay Z thing. Howard said he's not taking sides in all of that.
Howard said they went to the street and asked people what they think about Reverend Al Sharpton being assigned to the supreme court. Howard played some of the answers they got from people on the street. They had someone who was happy about that. Howard said that they also asked what they think about mentally retarded people being accepted in the military. Some people said it was good and some thought that it wasn't a good idea. Howard said they also asked what they think of the President's proposal to raise taxes on the Jews. Howard played answers to that and one guy said he wasn't really for it unless it helps with making the schools better.
Howard said that Gary the Slow Adult or Gary the Conqueror was called and they asked him who he thinks will win the Oscar and he went berserk thinking they were calling him too much. Howard said someone is calling him and driving him crazy and now they can't call him anymore. Howard played the audio of Gary freaking out on them for calling so much.
Howard said that Big Foot is willing to fuck Benjy in the ass. Howard said he has a voice mail from Big Foot about that. Howard said that the girlfriend who is actually a dude was there too. Howard played the clip of Big Foot saying he can't wait to sick his dick into him. The girlfriend said he has a big dick too. She said she'd fuck Benjy too since she has a dick.
Benjy asked if Big Foot knows that she has a dick. Howard said she just said she does. Benjy wondered if he thinks it's a woman with a dick. Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard said that this is the anniversary of Benjy making his first appearance on the air. It's been 17 years. Howard played a clip from the day he first appeared on the air. Benjy had just started there 2 weeks before. Benjy told a story about how he was answering phones there and Howard walked in and he saw the virgin Mary. Howard said he should have fired him on the spot. Benjy said they didn't hate him for the first 10 seconds. Howard said he started hating him after the virgin Mary mention. Howard said Robin tells him often that she yearns for the time when Benjy wasn't there.
Robin said they were playing a Rappin' Granny bit the other day and Janks called in saying he lost his hard on during that. Janks said that's right.
Howard asked Janks how he's doing with the homosexual thing. Janks said he finally went all the way. He said he had more sex this weekend than he had in the 1990s. Howard said that Janks told them that he was very particular and he hadn't had sex yet. Howard asked when he found someone. Janks said he just came out last May. He said he was into someone else and that made it hard. Janks said it took some time. He said he went on Grindr and found someone. He said that he hit the ground running. Janks said he got blown and he blew the other guy. Howard asked if they had any ass play. Janks said that he's a top and they didn't establish that at first. He said his ass hurt for a couple of days after he took it down there. Howard asked if he liked it. Janks said he loves it. He said it's a new freedom and he's happy for the first time in his life.
Howard said that has to hurt. Janks said that he had never done it before. Howard asked if he had to use lube. Janks said there was K-Y. He said he was told he was pretty good though. He said he's happy with that. Howard asked Janks what it was like taking it up the ass. Howard said he's had a finger up there and that's something else. Janks said that Howard isn't gay though. Howard said it still had to be wild. Janks said it was. Howard asked if he was closed up. Janks said he's short and the other guy is pretty tall. He said that he was laying on his stomach when he took it. Howard asked if he wrestled at all. Janks said there was some wrestling. He said they had some drinks and smoked some weed before they did it.
Janks said it was new to him and it was something he wanted to do. He said it turned out great. Howard asked if the other guy had shit on his dick. Janks said he doesn't know. He said it was dark out. He said the guy was only 22 years old too. Howard asked if he had doody on his dick. Janks said they used condoms. Janks said he went back on Grindr and found more guys day after day. He said he's had at least 4 guys in the past week. Janks said he got it from the same guy the next night.
Howard asked what it's like sticking his dick in an ass. Janks said that it's good. He said it's a bit different than a vagina. He said he would rather be the top though. Janks said he did use a rubber and finished inside a guy. Robin said she loves it. She said Janks has gone full gay.
Howard asked what he does if the guys are really gross. Janks said that you have to see a face pic and not a dick pic. He said he'd rather see the face than the dick. Janks said that he talks a few times before meeting. Howard asked Janks if he told the guy who was fucking him in the ass that he's a power top and not a bottom. Janks said that they were both tops. He said that they have to have that discussion beforehand. Howard asked if he got titty fucked. Janks said he lost a lot of weight so he's not chubby anymore. Howard said he's pretty short. Janks said he's 5'3'' tall. Howard asked if they like that. Janks said that he does ask about that first. He said not one person has a problem with that at all. Janks said there is no shortage of young guys who want to be with older guys. Howard said that's great. He said he's glad he's gay.
Howard asked if he can cum from having a guy in his ass. Janks said he hasn't yet. He said he's heard that people do. He said he was aroused with the dick in there but then it starts hurting. Howard said he thinks that if you're in ISIS they don't even let you talk about this. He said they killed some kids for watching a Soccer game.
Janks said he is looking for someone to settle down with. He said that he works all the time and he'd like to find someone to settle down with. He said he's going to date a little bit and see what he likes. Howard said he has to figure out his type. Janks said he has a date with a cute one tonight. He said that guy is a bottom so that's good. Howard said that's the first question he would ask if he was gay. Howard said he has to know if he has to take it in the ass.
Janks said one good thing with Grindr is that one guy lived about a block away. He said from the time he talked to him to the time he was in bed was only about 20 minutes. Janks said he hasn't gone out with anyone over the age of 26 so far. He said he's really picky. He said his type would be a JD from about 10 years ago. Howard said Fred would be good. Janks said Fred is too old. He said he's like a cougar. Howard asked if he would fuck Gary. Janks said not of you gave him a million dollars. Janks said he has no attraction to any of his friends. He said he doesn't see Gary in that way. Howard said he thinks that he'd fuck him. Janks said he would but only because he's his biggest fan.
Janks said that he would let Howard fuck him in the ass because he knows it wouldn't hurt. Howard said he might not even get up to his little brown ring. Howard said he's happy for Janks. Janks said that he's finally happy. Robin said they can hear it in his voice. Janks said he's on Grindr right now on his iPad. Howard said he's so happy he hasn't made a prank call in months. Janks said he just did one not too long ago. Howard told him to get back to whatever he was doing. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said that's something. He said imagine what's going on in that place. Robin said they don't have to imagine. He just told them.
Howard said the next thing Robertson said that came in at number 3 with 13 percent was something he said about Haiti. Howard said he's surprised that this didn't win. In the clip Robertson explained how Haitian were under a pact with the devil and that was a ''true story.'' Howard said that's a true story according to Pat Robertson.
Howard said that number 2 with 31 percent of the vote was Robertson saying that god can regrow limbs. Howard played that clip next. In that one Robertson was asked about growing limbs back and he says that an eyeball was recreated and teeth too. He mentioned a name of Donald Don. Howard goofed on him for that. Robertson says that there was a man who had his leg cut off and it did grow back. Howard said it's too bad no one had a camera there. Howard said maybe that does deserve second place. He said maybe the audience does know better. Howard goofed on Robertson for a couple of minutes about those idiotic statements. Howard said his stories are great. Howard asked how this guy has such a big business after saying stuff like that. Howard said he would be embarrassed to go on TV after saying stuff like that. Howard said this guy is successful with his stuff because of that.
Howard said coming in at number 1 with 45 percent of the vote is Robertson saying that gays will die out because they don't reproduce. Howard played that clip next. Robertson said that gays will die off because they aren't reproducing. Howard said he's a fucking moron. Howard said gay people come from straight marriages. Howard said that's the most stupid thing. Howard said that woman with Pat must be in his class for bullshit. Howard said poor Captain Janks is going to die out because he can't have anymore. Howard asked Robin if she can believe this. Robin asked when gays stopped being able to reproduce. Howard said it must be recently.
Howard said now he has to take a break. He said it pains him so to leave the audience even for a minute but he must. He said he will miss you oh so much. He went to break after that.
Howard said that he found out the Dulcolax he's taking is the right thing. He said that he will be taping the farting and shitting sounds for Monday's show. Howard said he could probably do it live on the air. He said when he was a boy he fantasized about doing stuff like this. Howard said this is some job he has. Howard said he goes home and thinks about the stupidest thing he could do and he does it. Howard said he paid for his whole house ding stuff like that. He said Jimmy Kimmel calls the house ''Fart Manor.''
Robin said she saw Jimmy on The Bachelor and he did a great job. Robin said she hates the guy who is the Bachelor though.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who asked if Hanzi is still on. Howard said he's not on hold anymore. Jeff said that one of his calls is better than one of Bobo's. Howard said Hanzi actually is still on. Howard picked up and he was still snoring. Howard said he had no idea that mentally ill people have a mental snore. Howard said just listen to the snore. Howard said his dad would snore and he'd snore in and not out. He said Hanzi is both. Howard said it's 10 o'clock and Hanzi is still sleeping. Howard said he's like a lion. Fred played a sawing sound and a boat sound along with some others. Howard said he's going to put him back on hold. Howard said it's time to wake up and smoke some weed. Howard said that's what he should do. He said he can sit home and collect SSI and snore all day. Robin said Howard likes his house though. Howard said he does but he'd rather sit home doing nothing.
Howard said he sees they're running out of time but he has a lot to get to. Howard said he has a clip of George Lopez talking about his feud with Erik Estrada. He said that he has a clip of a news anchor who has coughing fits a lot. Her name is Amy Freeze. Howard played a clip of her doing a weather report and then getting something in her throat. She starts coughing and they tell her to just go ahead and cough. Howard played another clip where she had the same problem. Howard said she has to do a 1 minute report and she can't even get through that. Howard said there's something wrong there. Howard said he and Robin do 5 hours on the air and they don't have that problem.
Howard played another clip of Amy Freeze having a coughing fit. Howard said maybe it's a ratings grabber and they encourage her to do it. Howard asked JD if she's hot. JD said she's not Anna Kooiman hot but she is hot. Fred said that she has big tits so that's why JD likes her. Fred did his impression of JD so JD told him to just move on. Howard asked how old she is. JD said he doesn't know that. He said he's never jerked off to her. Howard said he's a liar. JD said he's serious. Howard said this weather forecast is one minute and she can't get through it. Howard said JD is growing up. He said he doesn't jerk off to her. Howard saw a picture of her and said she is hot. Howard and Fred did more of their impressions of JD and goofed on him for a few seconds.
Howard asked how JD is doing with the girlfriend. Robin said he's very smiley so he must be doing fine. Howard asked if he's still jerking off to web cam girls. JD said it's not happening and he's not discussing it further. Howard asked what that means. JD said he doesn't want to get in that area that messes with her stuff. Howard said he could do 4 hours just talking to JD.
JD said that he just doesn't want to mess with her. Robin said no one even knows who she is. JD said he knows but he still doesn't want to mess with her. Howard played a song parody about JD beating his meat to web cam girls. Howard said that's Eli Braden checking in with the song parody.
Howard said JD doesn't want to mess with his girlfriend. He said it was weird seeing him with a normal girl at the Christmas party. He said it was just weird. Howard said he had his arm around her. Howard asked how long they've been going out. JD said it's been since the summer. Howard asked if there is any talk about marriage. JD said no. Howard said it's too fast for that.
Howard took a call from Wendy the Slow Adult who said she had a dream about him where she killed him and he came back as a zombie and ate her. Howard wondered if she has ever had a Colonoscopy. Wendy said she's going to e 35 soon. Howard said that he wouldn't take her for that if he was her mom. Howard asked if she has ever taken a laxative. Wendy said she has not. She said she's not sure what that is. Howard asked if she has ever had trouble making doody and had to take something for that. Wendy said she has done that. Wendy said she has had to sit on the toilet for 2 hours and nothing came out.
Howard asked how much Wendy weighs. She said she weighs 284 pounds. Howard said he has no idea how she can get that big. Howard said she has no teeth. Howard asked Wendy about the shitting thing and if she tried to pull it out with her hand. Wendy said yes to all of his questions about that. Wendy said she had diarrhea after that. Howard asked if she has ever filled the bowl with diarrhea. She said yes. Howard asked if she doesn't bother to wash her hands. She said yes to that too. Howard asked if there is a time she can't even flush from filling the bowl so much. Wendy said that it will overflow when she flushes it. She said she has to get a mop bucket and mop it up. Howard asked if her mom makes her do that. Wendy said she makes her clean her own mess.
Howard asked how Wendy is still single. Wendy said she's still single and she hasn't found the right man yet. She said she's still looking.
Howard said he should have Wendy on The Retarded Bachelorette. Howard said that would be great. Wendy said she met someone at McDonald's when she sat there for 2 hours. Howard played a Bachelorette parody where they had Wendy on The Bachelorette.
Wendy was talking to her cats so Howard asked if she has ever had to use one as toilet paper after running out. Wendy was saying yes to everything. Robin asked if she is babysitting today. Wendy said she's not. She said that she's taking care of her cats. She said she can't go to the food bank for a couple of weeks. Howard asked if Bill Cosby had sex with her. Wendy said yes and then had a coughing fit. Howard said he has to get to the news anyway. Howard said she was banned from a food bank. Robin said none of them will let her back. Howard asked Wendy why she was banned. Wendy said they have rules about going every 2 months. She said she's waiting for her due date.
Howard asked Wendy if she laughed so hard she vomited on her cat. Wendy said she did. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thought it was supposed to be an honor to be roasted but Justin Bieber is going to be roasted. Robin said he's been asking for it for a couple of years. Howard said that's going to be brutal. Howard said they're going to fuck with him. He said he's very roastable. The caller asked if they think he's paying for that. Howard said no. Howard said he doesn't know why anyone would do that. Howard said he'll watch it though. Howard said it will be Sarah Silverman, Whitney Cummings, Jeff Ross and people like that. Howard said it's crazy. Howard said that he would never do that. Robin said they let Joan Rivers and Jeff Ross roast him at the birthday bash. Howard said that was awful.
Howard said someone in the email asked Robin how her foot is doing. Robin said that she's doing okay. She did break her foot but she's doing okay. Howard said she has the worst luck. Robin said she was rushing to get back on the air when she broke it. She said she'll never do that again.
Robin started her news with a story about how The Sun is no longer doing the ''Page 3'' girls where topless women appeared. Robin said that they will have them online but not in the physical paper anymore. Robin said they think that this was an order from Rupert Murdoch himself.
Robin read a story about how 7 million people in America are hiding money from their spouses. Robin said she knew a person who found out about his wife's secret credit cards and debt after she died. Howard said he is 100 percent honest with Beth and she knows exactly where his $100,000 is.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he is a marine veteran and he has been a police officer the past 11 years. He thanked him for being such a big supporter. Robin asked what he did in the military. He said he was infantry in the Marines. Robin asked what he was doing when he listened to the show. He said they listen on their days off. He said they had one tape recorder to listen on. Howard said he hears from people who thank him for defending them and he wondered who would be against them. Howard said that these guys are heroes and they celebrate them in American Sniper. Howard said you have to celebrate this stuff. Howard said that he thought it was nice when Bradley would shoot someone in the movie. Howard said it's kind of sad we have to shoot people like that. Howard said that these guys are putting their loves on the line. Howard said he's a pussy and he could never do that. Howard said he'd like to play a tough guy in a movie but that's about it. He said he's a mess from just working out in the gym. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about how the average smoker spends over a million dollars on cigarettes over a lifetime. Robin read about a study that was done that found how much the average smoker smokes. Howard said he smoked for about 4 years and he may have spent that much in 4 years. He said he'd wake up in the middle of the night and smoke. Howard said Scott would be rich if he stopped smoking. Robin said she saw Scott smoking outside and he loves it. She said he's smoking outside and freezing so that's why he has a cold today.
Howard picked up on Hanzi again and he was still sleeping. His snore had gotten quieter. It wasn't as long or loud. Fred was playing sawing sounds to go along with the snore. He was matching the snoring rate.
Robin read a story about a teenager who was posing as an OB/GYN at a hospital and he wasn't discovered for a month. Robin said he was able to walk the halls for that whole time. Robin said he was seen with a stethoscope and a mask on his face. Howard said Sirius should replace Oprah's channel with Hanzi's snoring. He said he could listen to that all day. Robin said they think that this kid didn't get in with any patients. Robin said that they did think he looked kind of young for a doctor. Howard said that they were thrown when the kid said ''Excuse me ma'am, I need to check your tits.''
Robin read about how the NFL found that 11 of the 12 balls in the Patriots game were under inflated. Howard asked how they get away with this stuff all the time. Gary told Howard that they may be fined for this but it sounds like it might be worth it. He said it's like a $25,000 fine.
Howard said in the email people are very excited about Dan Aykroyd coming in. Howard said that he has a whole list of things that people want to know about. Howard said that some people wrote him about what Seth Rogen said about American Sniper. Howard asked what he can do about it. Robin said she was going to get into all of that. Howard said he'll call him right after he calls George Clooney. Howard said he's not in charge of Seth Rogen. Robin said people think they can get to him through Howard.
Robin said that The Interview will be available on Netflix starting on Saturday. Robin said it has made $40 million since it was released. Robin said at least it's making back the investment.
Howard said people are asking about Benjy's weight loss and saying they should not give him an incentive to do it. Robin agreed. Howard said some people think that he wants the dick in his ass. Howard said some people think he should do something he really doesn't want to do like lick High Pitch Eric's ass. Howard said people think Benjy is pathetic and gross.
Howard said it sounds like Hanzi is waking up. Howard took a call from Captain Janks who said that he told Howard about Grindr earlier and he has 4 more dates over the next couple of weeks thanks to that. He said that there are still more coming in. He said he really appreciates that. Howard said that's great. He said he has some dates lined up for gay sex.
Robin got back to her news and read about Bruce Jenner being on the cover of a magazine and they apparently made that up and doctored the photo to talk about his life as a woman. Robin said that some people are coming to his side and speaking out against that. Howard said he'd like to know what's going on there. Howard said when he was a kid Bruce Jenner was the best looking guy. Howard said he was a masterful athlete. Howard said he was a good looking guy and he messed that face up. Howard had some audio of Russell Brand talking about what TMZ is doing to Bruce Jenner and how wrong it is. He said it's sanctioning people to be cruel to Transgender people. Robin said that he's right. She said it is Bruce's life. Howard said they should put Bruce on a box of Wheaties now. Howard said that would make a statement.
Robin read about what some people are saying about American Sniper and how someone wrote ''Murder'' on a billboard in California. Robin had some audio of Mike Huckabee defending the movie. Robin said all of this controversy could affect the voting for the Oscar. Howard said he hopes not. He said that they have Bradley Cooper and Steve Carell nominated and they could get a thank you from one of the two. Robin had a couple more clips of people talking about what it takes to be a sniper. Howard said he's not sure who is against these guys doing their job. Howard said that they need guys to do this stuff. He said they're rewarding them for what they do with this movie.
Robin read a story about how President Obama showed up and did a State of the Union address last night. Robin said he was on fire. She said that she thinks he was the President that we elected 6 years ago. Howard had a fake clip from the address where Obama gets a call from Oprah and he changes his thoughts on taxing the very rich to just taxing the poor. Robin had some real clips from the address that she had Howard play. Howard had a second fake clip of Obama announcing that Nicole Bass may show her vagina on the Howard Stern Show. Howard said he's sorry he missed that.
Howard said he was watching Gotham during the speech. Then he went right into The Flash. Robin said ''shame on you'' to Howard. Howard said he's embarrassed about that. Howard said he beat off before Gotham. He said that he watched a video of a woman going to a fake agent. He said this time it was two women and it was French. Howard said that they're way hotter quality women when it's lesbian stuff. Howard said the fake agent was in a mini skirt and she asks the other woman if she is a lesbian. She says she is and they go over and start making out. Then they do a fast edit and they're naked. Howard said he came anyway. He said he was so relaxed that he didn't even think about watching the President. Howard said he wanted to watch Gotham and Flash was halfway done so he could fast forward through the commercials. Howard said there is no hope for him. He said he won't talk to his therapist about this. He said he's too embarrassed. Howard said he's a degenerate. He figures he'll be dead in 20 years anyway. Howard said that's why the Arabs are so angry. He said they don't have porn to watch. He said they don't want to live because they can't jerk off.
Robin had more clips from the State of the Union address. Howard said it sounds like he had a good one. Robin said he got standing ovations from the whole group a couple of times. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin had some audio of someone talking about the State of the Union address. Howard said he was zoned out on that after just a few seconds. Howard asked if they have anyone who doesn't sound like a School marm. Robin said some of the rebuttal was in different languages. Howard said he's having flashbacks to Language Lab. He said he has no idea what the guy is saying even though he took Spanish class.
Robin read a story about how a study was done for these groups that try to ''cure'' gay people. Robin said they found that this does not work. Howard said he could have figured that out. Robin said they want to make a law that would ban trying to convert people.
Robin read a story about how they're thinking about having students take a citizenship test to get a degree in some school. Robin gave Howard some of the questions and he was having trouble answering them.
Howard said he's getting aggravated that he hasn't eaten. He said he can't fall asleep when he doesn't have a full stomach. Robin said maybe Jell-O will help. Howard said he has some broth and stuff too. He said the apple juice is good too.
Robin said that Oreo is coming out with a new flavor that is Red Velvet. Howard said he's only not eaten for 4 hours and he's already grumpy. Robin said that the Red Velvet will have a cream cheese flavor filling. Robin said it's the first new one since the golden Oreo. Howard asked who would eat that. Robin said Jason, Benjy and people like that. Howard did a live commercial read and talked about how woozy he is. Howard said he's done enough today. Fred said he had one more live commercial to read. Howard did that one and checked to see if Hanzi was still on the phone. He was gone by that time. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 11:05am.
Jon said that they have a poll up today about who the better athlete is, Ronnie or Bobo. Nick said he would imagine that Ronnie is because of the sexual thing. He said he's not sure about hand/eye on them though. Jon said he would go with Ronnie too. He said that Bobo can get out more since he's in Florida though. Nick said he saw Ronnie downstairs and he was star struck so he didn't go up to bother him. He said he saw that moustache and that's just beautiful facial hair. He said it reminds him of a 1980s Mets player or something. Jon said he does have a little of that going on. Jon said they have to get Gary in there to talk about that.
Jon said that Howard warned everyone that he would be in a bad mood today. He said that he did get some apple juice though. He played a clip of Howard getting that juice and talking about what a party that was for him.
Jon asked Nick about the Howard and Gary relationship. Nick said it's fascinating to watch. He said that he has seen how Gary orchestrates the whole guest thing and he's effective as a producer and he gets belittled on the show. He said it's an interesting dynamic. He said Jon sees that all the time. nick said he has memories of Gary back from the WOR days. He said that he has kids in college now and he feels like he watched him grow up into a much more dignified Horse Tooth Jackass.
Jon said Nick does a lot of characters on his show and he sees the real characters they have there. He asked if there is any influence there. Nick said that he looks for inspiration everywhere. He said that he looks in the Subway and on TV now that he's in L.A. Nick said that his characters are created and there's nothing that beats a real person. He said that you just couldn't create a guy like Ronnie. He said you'd never come up with that. He said you just can't think of the stuff that he thinks of while he's hypnotized.
Jon asked if Nick hears those tips from Ronnie and if he's impressed. Nick said you've got to respect game. He said that he's doing something that's working. Nick said a guy like Hanzi you wonder how you could create a character like that. He said that he thinks he's on meds now. Jon said he thinks that's a safe bet. Jon said Howard went back to him 3 times and he was out like a light. Nick said that the cumming into the T-shirt stuff where he looks at the shape to see what country it looks like is just stuff you can't come up with. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Nick if he had to pick up giving his show to sit in on the Howard Stern Show. Nick said he thinks about this every morning. He said he really doesn't know. Nick said it's a weird thing to be there doing the show. He said that sometimes you just want to love it from afar. He said to be there is really fun but there is something to be able to enjoy something without being involved in it in any way. Nick said he will go home to watch a game or something and it stresses him out. He said making Kroll Show is the most gratifying thing he does. He said he gets to work with the funniest people that he knows. He said that he has a lot of great people coming up this season. He said he has a great cast and writers that he has had the privilege of working with. He said he would never choose not to have that control.
Jon said that Nick is ending the show before it's time to end the show. He said that's a tough decision to make. He said he's getting out when the getting is good. Nick said that the show might be Jumping the Shark so he wants to get out now. Nick said it's hard for a sketch show to jump the shark but he thinks you should walk away once you've told the best stories you think you can tell. He said they'll have done 30 episodes and that's a respectable amount. He said he'd like to just keep recreating and keep pushing forward.
Jon said they heard from Evil Dave today. He asked Nick how amazed he is with that voice. Nick said that he did catch that part of the show on his way in. He said it's so uncanny with the laugh and everything. He said then you hear him saying horrible abortions coming out of his mouth. Nick asked what he's really like. Jon said that he can't even explain it. That led into a clip that Jon played of Howard talking to Evil Dave.
Jon said that the voice is uncanny. Nick said the laugh is what gets him. Jon said the guy is a regular guy and he just has the gift of sounding like David Letterman. Nick said that there are guys like Bill Hader who are truly gifted. He said then there are guys who are just born with a 6 foot dick. He said he just fell into it. Nick asked Jon if the guy gets it. Jon said yes and no. He said he knows that he sounds like Dave and he thinks he's a comedian so he tries to get in his own lines sometimes.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loves The League and he's so happy that Nick is there. He said that he doesn't play fantasy football but he loves The League. The caller asked Jon about the way Howard talks to Jason and Benjy and even Jon at times when it comes to their weight. He said he talks the same way to High Pitch Eric. He said that Jon and the guys sound just like Eric. He asked if they are upset that they're on that same level. Jon said Jason went in there to give Howard apple juice and ended up spending 20 minutes hearing about his weight. Jon said that Howard said Jason was lying to him about what he eats and all of that. Jon said that Howard has told the guys who are overweight that they have to be disciplined. Jon said he'll ask what they eat and all of that. Jon said he thinks High pitch is in the most dangerous shape right now. He said Jason is pushing 300 pounds though. Jon asked if Nick responds to that kind of thing. Nick said that no change will happen until you make that decision. He said he smoked for years and he quit after going to a hypnotist. He said he was able to frame it in a way that made him able to say ''that's right'' and just stop. He said he was so disgusted with himself that he was ready to quit. Nick said he is very attracted to Eric and it's tough to have any perspective on that. nick said he can't fathom what Eric is working with. Jon said they had to take a break a short time later.
Jon said that Nick is there and Gary must be excited. Gary said that he and his son are big fans of his TV show. nick said he loves Gary but he can't stand his won. He was just kidding of course.
Jon said later in the show Howard needed some clarification on the medication he had to take. He played a clip of Howard yelling at Gary about what he asked him to do. Jon asked Nick if he sympathizes with Gary there. Nick said that he walked in there and Gary was sleeping on the couch and just hanging out. He said Gary was actually running around and you see how busy he is. He said he sees both sides in that whole thing. Gary said he missed the key element there. He said he has people in his ear all morning so he doesn't hear everything. Gary said his primary concern is to listen to the show but he has other things to deal with during the show.
Jon said that Nick gets to play ''The Douche'' on Parks and Recreation and he has a guy playing sound effects. He said that has to be Fred. Nick said it wouldn't surprise him. He said that they have Stern fans there on the show so he's sure that there is an influence there.
Jon said Nick works with some great comedians but people don't realize just how influential Howard is. Nick said he thinks what you're striving to do is create a believable world with a lot of specifics. He said the show is filled with that. He said that the idea where there is a show where Gary talks about what it was like dealing with Howard during the show is amazing. Nick said that he drives around all day and listen to a song or listen to a drama that's on for hours. He said that's what they do with their TV shows like Parks and Recreation or the Kroll show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he is amazed by Howard's interviewing style. He said he can have Gwyneth Paltrow one week and then talk to Ass Napkin Ed the next week. Jon said that's the Honorable Ass Napkin Ed. He said you can't make that stuff up either. Gary said he thought it was a great idea for the garbage men to deliver the mail. He said that's pretty brilliant. Nick said that the mail would only come once a week then. Gary said that it could be every day though.
Jon said they have the poll results in and it's 70 percent for Ronnie being the most athletic. He said Bobo got 30 percent so that's not too bad.
Jon asked Nick if he enjoys being in New York. Nick said he grew up in Westchester outside of the city. He said New York is cooler but life in L.A. is a nice one. He said the weather isn't too bad there in New York this year. He said last year he was there shooting a movie and it was so bad. He said they weren't able to accomplish anything last year. He said it was a nightmare. Gary said it was a bad winter last year. Gary said he and Jon would think about saying in the city instead of going home because of the weather.
Jon said that they're going to miss The Kroll Show when that goes away. He gave him a plug for that and for The League which is also going away. Jon thanked Nick for coming in and wrapped up the show. They were done around 11:50am.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard is built like Skeletor and he wonders what it is that made him like this. Gary said he's told the story many times. He said that his parents did sit him down and tell him he was fat. He said they wanted him to live a long life and not be fat. Gary said Howard, Robin and Fred went to a Rolling Stones concert and someone was yelling ''Sit down fat ass'' behind him and he didn't realize the guy was yelling at him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jason has to make small steps. He said he can't just flip a switch like Howard. The caller said it took him a while to get to that point himself. He said he started out slow doing walks and eventually running. He said that Jason is a young guy and he has to get motivated. Jon said he thinks Jason needs a more concrete plan than he has. He said that he needs the steps and he has to start taking them. Gary said it's pretty simple. He said you eat less and exercise more. He said over a long period of time you'll lose weight. He said over a period of time that will do it. Gary said that there are a lot of companies that are doing well with diet plans that don't actually work. He said it's pretty simple to do it yourself.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard has gotten a lot of attention for his interviews lately and he wonders if it's a result of years of therapy. Jon said he thinks so. He said Howard has always been a good interviewer but he's said he has learned to listen better over the years. He said that he doesn't make it about himself as much as he has in the past. He said he thinks therapy helped with that. Gary said Howard has an hour to talk to people and he thinks he's using that full hour. He said that Howard has learned to listen to people too. He said that he treats it like they're just talking. He said he thinks the audience appreciates that. Jon said Howard gives everyone the same respect in there too.
The caller said there has been a lot of discussion about the Wack Pack and who the best ones are. He said he thinks that the true Wack Packer has to do with the flow of the relationship with the show. He said if the Wack Packee is more interested in being on the show than the show is interested in them then they're not really a Wack Packer. He said that Bobo and Mariann want to be on the show more than the show wants them on. He said some of the others like Eric the Midget, Hank the Dwarf and Beetlejuice are the ones that the show wants more than they want to be on. Gary said the reluctant ones are the most interesting and he thinks the caller is right. Gary said he doesn't think Hank gave a shit. He said that they call Big Foot more than he calls them. Jon said Eric needed and wanted the show but he acted like he didn't care. Gary agreed with that. He said there were times that he'd go months without calling them.
Gary said Elephant Boy and Crackhead Bob became a part of the show. He said he thinks it starts out with them courting them.
Jon got in a mention for the poll they have going on today. Jon said he wants to talk about Ass Napkin a bit too. He played a clip from when Ed was on the show explaining his ass napkin.
Jon said that Jon Leiberman is joining them to talk about Ass Napkin. Jon asked if he can run and win for Mayor. Leiberman said they heard about Ed running and Shuli did some digging into that. Leiberman said they found out that Ed was actively inquiring about what he had to do to run for mayor. He said this particular town asked about what his qualifications were. Gary asked why he didn't run in his own town. Leiberman said that Ed thought he had a better chance of getting on the ballot there. He said he sent in the qualifications and he mentioned that he had things like how he was a security guard and he liked to order pizza from home as qualifications. Leiberman said Ed went to other areas trying to run for office. Gar said he thinks there are a lot of people who aren't qualified. He asked what they were looking for. Leiberman said Ed was serious about all of this. He said he did have some misspellings and grammatical errors in his submission. He said that he mentioned the porn star thing and stuff like that in there too.
Jon said Howard talked about how there's a town that has a cat for mayor. He said Ed just needs to find the right town. He said he could end up holding office. He said that kind of thing does happen.
Gary said maybe Ed would make a great mayor in Idaho. He asked if Ed would move. Leiberman said that Ed told them that he will take the bus to the town to work there every day if he has to. Leiberman said Ed has his routine down in his home town and he has the pizza place set up so he can walk down and pick up his pizza and they'll drive him home. Gary asked if he understands that he could get a better deal if he lived in the town that he's mayor in. Leiberman said he may need some advisory help. He said he needs help honing his message and getting that message out in a coherent way.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he knows everyone has an opinion on the Jason weight thing. The caller said at age 50 he started gaining weight. He said he just saw a movie about being fat and he went on a juice diet. He said he lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks. Jon cut him off and said that's great but all of these special diets aren't what they're looking for.
Jon asked Leiberman if he thinks that Ed can achieve his goal. Leiberman said he thinks if he takes it seriously he could. Leiberman then went into his Howard 100 News headlines before the guys went to break.
Gary said that he was thinking about Captain Janks not being attracted to him and he was thinking about how he is flattered when someone good looking is attracted to him even if it is a man.
Jon said with the Jan thing it doesn't really bother him. He said it only bothers you as much as you let it bother you. He said Gary has a lot of things that they goof on him about. He said it's some form of flattery in a way. Gary said that he used to have gay guys hitting on him all the time. He said on some level it's kind of nice to be thought of.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up the American Sniper movie and what Howard has said about that. He said that Howard's take on it is that you have to honor veterans with a movie but he doesn't think that's the case. Jon said he thinks the box office showed a lot for that. He said the movie was very good and Clint Eastwood and Bradley Cooper did a great job. He said that he thinks you should worship the warriors because they are protecting this country and protecting you. Jon said they're laying their lives down so they can do what they do on this show.
Gary said he went to Afghanistan and Jeff Ross told him that it would be life changing for him. Gary said he didn't think that would be the case but when you go there you see these people doing their job. He said he got to see the people who defend this country in places that no one wants to go to. He said he thinks that it does deserve to be honored. Jon said Howard has always been that way and has been fans of anyone who protects us.
Jon said they have the poll results for the Ass Napkin Ed thing. He said that 82 percent said no, Ed should not run. He said 17 percent said that he should run. Gary said he would move forward if he got those numbers. Jon said they wish Ed luck with that run. They wrapped up the show after that. They were done around 11:40am.
Jon played an intro clip with some clips from today's replays. It's their ''What You Need To Know'' intro clip. Jon said that they have Captain Janks, Hanzi, Ronnie and Bobo and Evil Dave in there. He said they also have Howard yelling at Gary. He said they have a poll up today asking ''Was Howard too hard on Gary for not knowing enough about his laxatives?'' that they'll have results for later.
Jon asked Simon about being a long time fan of the Stern Show. He asked if it's surreal for him to be there. Simon said it really is. He said hearing the clip that he just played is like music to his ears. He said it lulls him to sleep. He said he loves listening and he has since he was about 10 or 11. He said he never wanted to know what anyone there looked like though. Simon said he could have looked them up but he decided not to. He said that he realized that Jon Hein was Jon Hein when he was sitting there talking to him. He said he's much healthier than Howard would lead you to believe. He said he's not sure why Howard is so mean to him. Jon said Howard does paint a picture for sure. He said that the visual could ruin the radio show. Jon said that Simon must get that from fans who assume he's the character he plays on Big Bang. Simon said that it is tough to go to Comic-Con and say you don't know the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars. He said that the people will freak out. He said Jon must think it's odd that people know so much about his life.
Jon asked Simon what he thinks Ronnie looks like. Simon described him like a gnome like Al Pacino. He said that he is a security guard but he's a tiny man. Jon said that's almost a perfect description. Jon asked what he thinks JD looks like. Simon said that he must look like a guy who is too old to work at a drive thru in Wisconsin. He said he has long hair and a t-shirt that's too old to wear. Jon said his descriptions are spot on and he doesn't need to see what they look like. They went to break after that.
Jon said that Gary turned him on to the Big Bang Theory. Gary said they met one of the show runners at comic-Con. He said he loves the show and he thinks Simon is great on it. He asked Gary who does the wardrobe. Simon said it's a woman named Mary Quigley. He said she likes to torture him. He said he sees the things hanging there and it's like he has to get into a slinky. He said that they have many ladies to help him get in and out of those pants he has to wear.
Gary asked who on the staff are Howard Stern people. Simon said that Mayim, Melissa and Jim are fans. He said that they'll go over the day at work and it's very surreal to be there today.
Jon asked if Kaley knows that JD is obsessed with her. Simon said he may have been the one to tell her about it. He said that he asked her if she listens and then she wrote back to JD and that all played out on the air. He said he's not sure how much she listens but he's sure JD has a shot. He said she did just get married to a tennis player but JD must have a shot. Jon said JD is taken now too though. He said he may not have a shot.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loved his role in Old School and what did he think about working with those guys in the movie like will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn. Jon said Artie Lange was in that too. Simon said he dropped out of college and he did that movie that year. He said that he got paid to hang out with Will and Vince instead of going to school. Simon said that it was like his college hazing experience. He said Artie Lange came down and smoked a lot and grunted. He said it was wonderful. Jon asked if he knew Artie by then. Simon said he was on Mad TV so he knew what he looked like. He said that didn't shatter his world or anything. Simon said that today is blowing his mind though. He said just looking at Jon is blowing his mind.
Jon said that Simon's mother on the TV show is like Howard's mother on Big Bang. He asked Simon if he does things like Howard would do with his mom. Simon said he does play a skinny Howard with a neurotic mother so he can't see any similarities. He said that Howard's impressions of his parents are amazing. He said he thinks there are some parallels there. He said that one of the show runners is a big Howard Stern fan and maybe that's where they come from.
Jon said that Howard hears his mother's voice in his head and that's kind of what Simon's character's mother is like. Simon said it would be great if they never showed her. He said the woman who played his mother just recently passed away so they're going to be dealing with that on the show. He said they did an awesome job with her on the show.
Jon took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she loves Simon and Big Bang Theory. She said that her husband turned her on to that. She said that it is the greatest show on TV. She said she constantly watches it and loves it. Simon said if she cleared her throat would she sound like Lauren Bacall. Mariann said no. She kept talking and it sounded the same. Gary said if Simon saw her she'd be blown away. Simon said he did actually. He said she tweeted him and he saw what she looks like. Mariann said that he's incredible and she loves that she's talking to him. She said she loves the show and he gives her a lot of pleasure. She said that Jon Hein picked up on her too. Simon said her poor husband... He said that he has a migraine now. He said there was so much joy and so much decibel.
Gary said he wants to do a documentary on Mariann's husband. He said he wants to see what he does all day while she's doing her thing. Gary said that Mariann doesn't want to be involved in her hobby. Simon said his hobby must be looking for another wife.
Jon mentioned the poll they have going and asked Gary if he thinks Howard was too hard on him. Gary said this is a skewed question. He said he needs to know what's going on with the show but he didn't hear that whole discussion. He said he has to handle Howard's needs and he should be there for him. Jon asked Simon if he thinks Howard was too hard on him. Simon said he's not sure if this is outside of the job description. He asked if Gary has to know or help with the suppositories. Gary said he has to be there for Howard and he has helped him with many things that he doesn't have to do. He said he just gets the job done. Gary said he's like the cleaner in Reservoir Dogs. Simon said he hopes that Howard's procedure went as smoothly as possible. He said it sounds torturous.
Jon asked Simon if he enjoys hearing those discussions. Simon said that he did. He said he had a moment when he realized he had that he had one done at 17. He said it was awful. He said he thinks he told his dad and his dad told him that's what they do. Simon said he doesn't think they do that in high school though. Simon said he may mention that guy to Benjy though. Gary said they do things that need to be done when they actually need to be done. Simon said he thinks he just had his braces off so he didn't really have any issues. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Jon said that it's not like Gary's tape plays over and over on the show. Gary said that he's on YouTube but this guy is a star who is in movies and TV shows. Simon said if you want to laugh at his pain you can see the movie ''We'll Never Have Paris.''
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Howard does the same thing to Gary off the air that he does on the air. Gary said that Howard doesn't talk to him off the air the way he does on the air. Gary said that Howard saying he's so disappointed in you is worse than saying something else. Simon asked if he ever apologizes to him about any of that. Gary said mostly they just don't say anything. He said there were a couple of times that he did say he was just giving him a hard time. Gary said there have been times that he yelled at him on the air and it was so piercing. He said that Howard just moves on and keeps going with the show. Jon said that it's just business as usual.
Jon asked Simon about the other people in the studio like Robin and Benjy and if they are under or over appreciated. Simon said he thinks that it's an apt amount of appreciation. He said he doesn't know what Benjy looks like. Jon asked him to describe him. Simon said that he pictures him blotchy with a spherical head and cherub like. He said he pictures him blonde with a shaved head and a mid-western-y kind of guy who could stand in for Brad Pitt at some point. He said you never see that face though.
Jon asked what he thinks about this whole weight loss thing. Simon said it must be the fear of Big Foot's dick entering him to scare him into losing the weight. He said he'd love to see a commercial for something like that.
Jon asked if Simon has a favorite Wack Packer. Simon said Riley Martin comes to mind. He said that sometimes he just mutters ''Suckamufagus'' to himself like Riley said once. He said last time he heard him he wondered if he was alright. Gary said he heard he may have had ''food poisoning'' last night. He said it may have been severe. Simon asked if that's a euphemism. Gary said yes. Simon said that guy is a gem.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she doesn't think Benjy and Brad Pitt belong in the same sentence. She also said she thinks that Jason took a lot of shit from Howard this week. She said she felt bad for Jason. Gary said he thought Howard was tough on him but not brutal. He said he's seen him go off on people worse than that. He said he thinks that he was pretty hard on him though.
Jon said that Howard just expects you to lose the weight and that's that. Jon said it's easy for him but not so easy for the rest of them. Simon said he gets the frustration and you just can't argue with that discipline that Howard has.
Jon said that the poll results are in. He said 72 percent said that Howard was too hard on Gary. Jon said that the audience is with Gary this time. Gary said that's surprising. He said that he will do anything that the boss needs. Jon got in a plug for today's Sternthology and played a clip from the show when Beetlejuice rode a motorcycle into the studio. The guys got in some plugs and wrapped up with Simon and Gary. They were done around Noon.