|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about how big the show was going to be today. He took a call from a woman who was calling in from South Jersey. Howard asked if the boardwalk fire down there was started by someone. Howard said they were saying that it might be kind of suspicious. Howard said that the boardwalk burned down after being rebuilt not too long ago.
The caller said that she was calling in because she was on the Dr. Phil show. She said she has a shopping addiction. Howard asked how Dr. Phil got a hold of her. She said that she emailed him about a year and a half ago. Howard said he's having trouble understanding her on the phone. Howard said she sounds kind of like Tan Mom. She took him off speaker to help with the audio.
Howard asked again how they found her. She said they had a commercial and she emailed them about her problem. She said she reached out to him for help. Howard said he's there so why go to Dr. Phil. The caller said she thought he would help her. Howard said he can help her more. Howard said he solves everyone's problem. Howard asked why she's spending so much money. The caller said that she was totally humiliated on the show. She said her husband was totally humiliated.
The caller said that Dr. Phil hammered her during the whole show and went off on her about not having feelings. Howard asked if he made her want to stop spending. She said she just froze on the show. Howard asked if she spent money when she got home. She said she did. She said she's been very anxious after the taping. She said they asked them not to air the show but they can't stop it from airing.
Howard told the caller that these guys are blood sucking users and they don't want to cure or help. Howard said they're never going to get her help. Howard said both Dr. Phil and the caller are asses. Howard said the caller, Amanda, is naive. Howard said that Dr. Phil is a blood sucking leach.
Howard asked Amanda what she bought last. She said she bought some stuff out in Los Angeles and it was stuff she doesn't need. She said that Dr. Phil didn't let her husband talk when he was on the show. He just talked over him. Howard asked why her husband stays with her. He said she must give a wicked good blow job.
Howard asked if she buys anything good. She said she buys purses and watches. Robin said she can't use it all though. Howard asked if she's so good looking that it all looks good on her. She said she's only 134 pounds. She said that she thinks she's good looking. Howard asked if they have kids. She said they do have adult children.
Howard asked what the dumbest thing she's ever bought was. She said it was fake jewelry or something. Howard asked if they can listen in while she and her husband have sex. She said she has to have a lot with him to make up for this. Howard said if she stops spending money then that could make up for it all.
Howard said they could solve this by saying that every time she buys something then her husband gets to cheat on her. She said she's not going to do that. Howard said he wants to tell the husband that. The husband got on the line and Howard asked if she's super hot or something. The guy said he doesn't know why he's still with her. He said he does love her. He said he asked her not to go on Dr. Phil. Howard asked how much money she's spending. He said that it's a lot but he's cut it off. He said it was probably $1000 a week. He said he took it all away from her.
Howard said he had a conversation with his mom and she was saying that Suze Orman yells at people for going to Starbucks for coffee that's really expensive. Howard said just imagine having a wife spending $1000 a week.
Howard told the husband his idea that he gets to fuck one of her friends when she spends money. Howard said that she has to sit and watch her fuck her friends too. Howard said she'll be frugal, cheap and stingy from now on. Howard said they should lock her up in chains. The guy said she thought Phil was going to help but he knew that he was going to humiliate her. Howard said the guy is a dick and he doesn't know jack shit about helping someone. Howard let the guy go a short time later.
Howard was laughing through the whole thing. Howard said that's so great. He said he loves when he calls back and just drops the coins.
Howard said his mom was on a mad tear about Starbucks. Howard went into his impression of Ray Stern and told him about this Suze Orman who was talking about how much money people could save by not going to Starbucks. Howard said she didn't know her name at first. He said she was calling Ben to ask him what her name was. Howard did his impression of the two of them talking about this Suze Orman. Howard said he's not sure how he pulled it out of his ass but he did figure out who she was talking about.
Howard was telling Robin about what his mom was saying about the coffee that she got at Starbucks and how it wasn't hot enough. Howard said he asked why she didn't get it warmed up. She prefers to go to some other place and get Chock Full-o-Nuts instead. Howard said she told him about these people who sit in the coffee shops on their machines. Howard said that she was talking about a computer. Howard said she was talking about how they ask for tips at the coffee place. Howard said she asked if Beth tips at the Starbucks. Howard said he had to call her over to ask. She does give money. Ray said everyone does. Howard said it drives his mother crazy. He said she can't believe what goes on there. Robin said she can't believe they go there. Howard said that his mother is on a mad tear over all of that.
Howard said he has the clip so he played it. The clip was Maher talking about what Howard said back then and how he was the one on trial for talking crazy. Howard said that he should remind people for what he said. Howard said he was quick to remind people about what he said and not what Bill said. Howard said the question was why he called American soldiers cowards. Howard said he may have to go on his show and straighten him out. Howard said he's diverting his statement. Howard said he should bring up his crazy statements so his audience can turn on him.
Howard said he's not sure what the bug is up his ass. He said he's still quoting him 12 years later. Howard said he doesn't think we're cowards for dropping bombs from far away. Howard said the people who attacked us on 9/11 were not brave. He said brave is living in the world and trying to work shit out.
Howard said that Bill didn't bring up what he said. He said that's what he should have done. Howard said the caller can take that to the bank. Howard said whenever Maher talks about that he never brings up what he said. He said he always brings him into it though. Howard said he's not a political thinker. Howard said he makes people laugh. Howard said no one is tuning to him to hear political stuff. He said he likes Bill and his show but he should defend himself and not smack him in the head. Howard said if he's going to talk about this stuff he should quote himself and tell people what he said. Howard said he conveniently left that out of his show.
Robin said that it was left out of context too. Howard said that he still thinks they did the right thing going into Afghanistan. Howard said that's just his opinion. He said that when the Japanese refused to stop fighting then we had to do something. He said that Truman had to do something. Howard said he doesn't know anything about politics. He said Bill Maher is looney and just doesn't know it. He said he agrees with a lot of what Bill says but who cares? Howard said he just can't get past that 9/11 thing. He said he's like a little boy trying to seek approval. Howard said he just disagreed with something he said. He said he's not sure why he's hung up on him.
Howard said he still disagrees with what Maher said about the military being cowards. He said that we're not cowards for dropping a bomb from far away. Robin said that he's saying that we drop bombs for everything. Howard said we have a lot of restraint actually. He said we have the power to wipe a lot of people off the planet but we don't do it. Robin said that Howard would drop even more. Howard said he doesn't have that ability and he's not running for office. Howard said the guy is arguing with a lunatic. He said it's like going to a mental institution and arguing with the patients about their medication. Howard said Bill will not repeat his own statement. He said he's just telling everyone how looney he is. Howard said the guy is really hung up on him. He said he's not sure why that is.
Robin said if Howard was on his show then he'd have control over him. Howard said the reason he doesn't want to go on his show is because they talk politics and he's not versed in being a talking head for politics. Howard said he's not going to go on there and get into that horse shit. Howard said that he can have Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity on the show. Howard said he'd just go on there and make a mockery of it.
Howard said he'd have to go on and remind Bill that he's a comedian. He said he's not sure what he wants from him. Howard said he's not sure why he's getting hit with his shrapnel. He said that he's just going to give Bill this... ''Fuck you!'' He told him to leave him alone. Howard said he's invited Bill on the show and he's not sure what the big deal is if he disagrees with him from time to time. Howard said the guy is really hung up that he didn't defend him. Howard said if he's going to give a loose summary of what he said then he'll just say that Bill said that our military are cowards. He said he'll throw that out and see what sticks to the wall. Howard said he wouldn't even remember this stuff if Bill didn't keep bringing it up.
Howard said that he still doesn't agree with Bill. He said ''Get over it, bitch.'' He said that Bill should go on his show and repeat what he said 12 years ago. Howard replayed the clip of Bill bringing him up. Howard said that he should have told them why he was there and what was going on in his life. Bill was talking about how he was the one on trial for talking crazy but he didn't say why. Howard said he wasn't on trial. Howard said people were angry with what he had to say. That's why he won't repeat it. Howard said he left that part out of that soliloquy. Howard said that's Bill's argument. He said that he needs a psychiatrist. Howard said he gives up. He said it won't go well if he came on the show. Howard said he thinks the guy has lost it. He said he can go do his thing and he won't come on his show. He said he won't do political talk.
Howard said if he wants to talk politics then he can talk to Rush Limbaugh. Howard said he was angry back then. Howard said if there's another attack he'll say the same thing about nuking them. Howard said that's what he's going to say if it happens again. Howard said what Bill is saying is that we should sit back and not bomb someone if someone else attacks us. Howard laughed.
Howard said the guy is a maniac. He said the guy makes it seem like he was with the President when he was on this show.
Howard took a call from a woman who said he's incredibly attractive. Howard had her repeat herself. She said it again. Howard thanked her for that. The caller said that Bill Maher is crazy. She asked if she's heard that he has the biggest dick in Hollywood. Howard said he heard he's the biggest dick in Hollywood.
Howard thanked the caller, Jenna, for calling in. She said she's in love with Howard. Howard asked if she would rather blow him or John Stamos. She said she would rather have Howard. She said he's so amazing. Howard asked if she had to blow Gary or Bill Maher who would it be. She picked Gary. Then Howard gave her a monkey with AIDS or Bill Maher and she picked the monkey. Then she picked Ronnie over Bill. Howard thanked Jenna for the call and let her go.
Howard played more of the street interviews Sal and Richard did. They had one guy who had a really gruff voice so Howard said that sounds like her tumor. Howard said they actually did interview her tumor. He played some clips of Sal and Richard in a voice changer saying stuff about how it wanted to be back inside Robin.
Howard said that he and Howie also recreated the scene from Titanic on AGT the other night. Howard said that Mel B and Heidi think that Howie was the one who pulled him in with that kiss they did.
Howard played more of the street interviews where people were commenting on the photo. Some guys were talking about how this is the media pulling them into something that they're morally against. Howard said that was some statement. Howard had to replay that guy's statement to figure out what the hell he was talking about. Howard said Bill Maher should have that guy on his show to debate him.
Howard played a clip of a woman talking about how homely Howard and Howie looked in the photo. Howard said she sounds like Tan Mom too.
Howard played a clip of what it would sound like if Robin and George Takei were playing tennis. They took clips of them grunting and groaning.
Howard said that the audience gets to ask George Takei questions that they've always wanted to know. Howard said they have a Howard Stern Fan Forum that's going to air on Thursday at 5pm on Howard 101. They'll have fans asking George questions. Howard said George will tackle anything. Howard said he's happy to be anywhere answering anything. Howard said that should be fun.
Howard said he's not sure what to think about Twitter's IPO. He said that there's nothing wrong with that but he's not sure he would invest in something like that. He said that he's not sure how long that company will be around. Howard said he doesn't really even like Twitter. He said he wouldn't invest in it. Howard said he uses it but he doesn't like it. Howard said he thought about investing or not. Howard said he doesn't think that he'd do that.
Howard said he missed the last half hour of Under the Dome. Howard said that fucking tennis pushed everything back. Howard said Gary is trying to get that last half hour. Robin said he must have On Demand. Howard said he doesn't want to do that. He told Gary to ask Vinnie Favale to get it for him. Robin said he could get it on Amazon. Howard said he doesn't want to go on the machine to get it.
Robin asked if Howard saw last night's Breaking Bad. Howard said he hasn't seen it yet. He told her not to tell him anything.
Howard said that the hint is that they're all coming to your house to do the show. Howard said it will be a lot easier to get Howard TV. He said that's what he rally wanted to say.
Howard said if you want to get your Grandpa laid then send them an email. Howard said that they're going to send one lucky Grandpa to the Bunny Ranch. You can find out more at SiriusXM.com/Howard. Howard said this is going to be sponsored by the movie ''Bad Grandpa'' which Johnny Knoxville is in. Howard said he had to take a break. He said he has to get to some calls and stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wears too much clothing on AGT. Howard said that he's wearing a sports coat. The caller thought it was too much with the scarf and jacket. Howard told him to get the fuck off his phone. He said he hasn't worn a scarf in a long time. Howard said he just wears a sports jacket to look nice. Howard said you try to upgrade and that's what you get. He said that he has to thank John Varvatos.
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who hasn't been on lately. Mike said he's down in Tampa now. He said he has a job and he's trying to support his family. Mike asked Howard if he can get Heidi and Mel B to kiss. Howard said he tried. He said they won't do it.
Mike asked Howard how his place in West Palm Beach is doing. Howard said he hasn't been there yet. Mike asked him to go to dinner with him down there. Howard laughed and said okay as he was letting mike go.
Howard said they're asking him to do another season of AGT already. He said he's still trying to recover from this season. He said they want him over there tonight to do something but he had plans. He said now he has to change his plans. He said he'd like some free time.
Robin said that she didn't think Howard was involved in the show starting in February. Howard said that's when they start traveling around the country. Howard said he's not sure if he wants to do the show again.
Howard played a clip of this guy Chris Harris talking about the rules for the Miss America pageant. Howard said it's really confusing. Howard said he has to take a break and get Yucko the Clown in there.
Howard said that one of the Miss America contestants wanted to do archery for her talent but they have a rule that says they can't have projectiles. Howard said she brought that up in her speech. Howard played that clip and talked about how crazy those rules must be. Howard said Yucko is there and they have to get to him. He said he's doing something dumb today. He wants to burn his costume and become Roger. Howard said that he's taking it off and throwing it all away. Howard said he's feeling full of himself now that he's on Brickleberry on Comedy Central. Howard said he's not sure how long this is going to last. He said they'll just save the costume for when he comes crawling back. They went to break after that.
Howard said Yucko, or Roger, got a cartoon called Brickleberry that's on Comedy Central. Yucko had to correct Howard when he said it was on MTV. Howard said the show is a hit and he's making a little money. Yucko said he's driving a 2008 Chevy Cobalt so he's doing alright.
Yucko asked Robin if she had a Watermelonoma as a tumor. Howard asked if he's going to do stand-up as Roger now. Yucko said that he's going to be a TV writer. Robin asked if he has a plan. He said he's going to come over to her place and take that colostomy bag off and fuck it.
Howard said Roger is going to retire his costume today. Howard said he's the writer and co-creator of Brickleberry. Howard said that the show was picked up for another 13 episodes this season. Howard said that the show was sold to FOX initially. Howard said that they were going to be on after The Simpsons but they picked up another show. That was Alan Gregory. That only lasted 6 episodes. Howard asked why they didn't pick up Brickleberry. Yucko said he's not sure but once they pass on something they've passed on it.
Howard said that they have a hit show now on Comedy Central. They had a million and a half viewers with the second episode this season. Yucko said they have some dolls and t-shirts coming out. He said they may make a nickel a shirt or something.
Yucko said the writing of the show sucks. He said you're stuck in a dungeon with 7 sweaty heebs and it's awful. He said there are bagel crumbs all over the place. Howard asked if Roger is a Jew. Yucko said he's not. He said he doesn't think so. Howard said no one really knows.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a huge fan. He said he's been watching his videos for years and he loves his character. He said he's sad he's retiring it. Yucko said that all good things must come to an end. Howard said that he will be back if times are bad. Howard said he's just not doing Yucko right now. Yucko said it's like when Superman stopped being Superman. Howard said that lasted about 10 minutes.
Howard asked if he's driving a better car now. Yucko said he has a Chevy Cobalt. Howard said he could get a better car now. Yucko said that he's squirreling back and he knows how the business works. He said he's trying to save some money. He said he lived in a Nissan Pathfinder after his MTV show so he's looking ahead.
Howard said that Craig Gass did some voices on Brickleberry. Howard said that he made up with Craig after he made fun of him and his breakup with his wife. Howard said that was very big of him to do that for Craig.
Yucko said that Craig came in and did his Al Pacino and he didn't bring it that day. He said that he ended up on the cutting room floor. Yucko said they had to cut everything he did out. Howard asked if he did that to get back at him. Yucko said that he actually didn't have anything to do with it. Yucko said Craig doesn't know this yet. He said it's a surprise and now he can go slit his wrists in the bathroom.
Howard asked Yucko about being a waiter. Yucko said he tried but they told him he was too old. He said this was at Applebees. He said that he hadn't done the waiter thing for about 20 years.
Howard asked Yucko about not doing stand-up work and things because things were getting so bad. Howard said that was a huge waste of time coming up with that character all those years. Howard said that he went to Applebees and that failed too. Yucko said that's the story of his fucking life. Howard said that being a waiter is like a slam dunk. Yucko said he wanted it but it didn't happen.
Howard said this is a great interview so far. Yucko said that he's not going to take the costume off today. He said that he has to do the tits and shit show after this. He was talking about the Rachel Fine show on Howard TV.
Gary said Will is upset about this because this isn't want they talked about doing. Howard asked Yucko what his career is now. He figured he was just going to put the costume away until he needs it. Gary said Doug from Howard TV just said that they don't need him in the costume for the interview later. Howard had him take off the costume. Howard said that Roger is as disgusting as Yucko is. He said that t-shirt he has on is disgusting. Yucko said that's the main part of the costume.
Yucko took off the costume and Howard said he looks like Gilbert Gottfried a little bit. Howard said that's Roger. Robin said she's looking at him. Howard laughed. Robin didn't know what to say. Roger went into his regular voice. Howard said Roger is kind of sad. Gary said they've been telling Howard that for the past 15 years. He said he's kind of sad and introverted. Roger said he's not sad at all. He said he really loves everyone too. He doesn't hate the Jews. He said he's just doing a character. Howard said he's kind of boring. Howard said he's not sure what to say to him. He said he's kind of freaked out by him.
Howard asked if he's going to just do this Brickleberry thing now. Roger said he is. He said he has a writing partner by the name of Waco O'Guin. He said that they're going to work on Brickleberry now.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Yucko talks about building Star Wars Legos and stuff on his Facebook page. Howard asked if he's gotten laid since his marriage. Roger said he has a few times. He said he gets like 4s or 4 1/2s. Howard asked if he's getting laid because of Brickleberry. Roger said he doesn't go out much.
Howard said that he heard he wanted to roast them as Yucko. Roger laughed and said he would do that. Howard said he didn't have to put on the costume. He told him to never come back in as Roger again. Howard had him come out of retirement for this roast thing. Howard said that he never wants to talk to Roger again.
Yucko went into roast mode and said that he loves that they changed things in there but they didn't get rid of that smelly couch. He said that wasn't the couch, it was Benjy. Howard said that Yucko is right about that and said that he thinks that Benjy is the next one who is going to get a major illness on the show. Gary said he's always sweaty and blotchy and it concerns him. Yucko said he's in worse shape than Robin's bladder.
Yucko goofed on Ronnie a little bit in his roast. He said that isn't Mambo, that's embalming fluid. He goofed on Jason saying that he's Jason the Hutt. Howard said this is the guy he likes. Yucko said that he heard George Takei ate Bianca. He said he probably looks at North Shore calendars like they're menus.
Howard said he's glad Yucko is out of retirement. Yucko said it was the shortest retirement ever. Robin said that he should never show up as Roger anywhere. Howard said he really likes Yucko. Howard gave him some plugs for Brickleberry which is on Comedy Central on Tuesdays at 10:30pm.
Howard asked if he gets a created by credit on the show. Roger said that he is a co-creator on the show. He said it's him and Waco O'Guin. Howard said that you can follow him on Twitter @YuckoTheClown and @Brickleberry. Yucko announced that he is really retired but then said he's back. They went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who was on another line. He didn't hear Howard pick up at first. The guy picked up a short time later. It was Tommy from Malden. Tommy said he was on Dr. Phil recently too. Dr. Phil Latio. Howard didn't laugh.
Tommy asked if he would really quit if Robin wasn't able to do the show. Howard said he wouldn't want to do it without her. Tommy said maybe Tracey could fill in for her. Howard said he likes working with Robin and they've been doing this a long time. He said he's most comfortable with Robin and that's it. Tommy said she is the best. He also told Robin that people were criticizing her for not being in there and he knew they'd feel bad for doing that.
Tommy also asked if they saw the new Indian Miss America. Howard said he did. Howard said she from India. He said that people tweet during the pageant and the racist comments were all over the place. Howard read some of the comments and said that these people are imbeciles. They were saying that she was Muslim but it's not clear if she's even Muslim. Howard said that there were people talking about how Miss Kansas lost because she represents American values. Howard said that he'd debate if this woman is even Indian. Tommy said she looks like a white woman with a good tan. Howard let Tommy go after he made a bad joke about her snatch.
Howard said they just had Yucko in there and now he dislikes both Yucko and Roger. He said it's like when Steve Martin gave up doing stand-up comedy. He said the only difference is that Steve was hilarious. Howard said Yucko is actually a good dude and he's happy for him. Howard said that he was saying he was going to retire the costume but then he seemed to change his tune. Howard said he put the costume back on to roast them so he wasn't really retired. Howard said he was really desperate before Brickleberry.
Howard said that Benjy got excited when he tried to steal the Yucko costume. It wouldn't fit though. Howard said Benjy is fat again. Benjy said he just eats too much. Howard said he's way down himself. He said he likes it. He said he's fitting into his clothes and he's feeling good. Howard said he has John Varvatos pants on and they're his take on cargo pants. Howard said they're loose because he lost more weight. Howard said he has this shit under control mother fucker.
Howard said last night he didn't have any carbs. He said he had fish balls and green vegetables. Benjy said he can't stop eating. Howard asked what he's eaten so far. Benjy said he had an apple when he got there. Then he had some coffee and watermelon and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Howard said that's a lot of food. Howard asked why he had to have the fruits and not just the PB and J sandwich. Benjy said he eats constantly during the show.
Howard tried to give Benjy some advice but he wasn't taking it. Howard gave up pretty quick. Howard said he must like being fat. Howard said no one wants to see him thin anyway. Benjy told Howard that he gave him the best advice ever. He said that it was about sex and how you don't need that much. Howard said that he discovered that himself.
Howard had to get to a phone caller because his line was so loud. The guy asked if he has seen the new Miley Cyrus video. Howard said he did and she's naked in it. Howard said it's great. Howard said the nudity doesn't bother him. He said there are people who know her as a child star and they think it's out of line. Howard said she played Hanna Montana and people think that it's out of line. Howard said he doesn't think that way because he didn't watch her as Hannah Montana. Howard said she's a recording artist who wants people to watch her videos. Howard said she's doing it the way Madonna and Lady Gaga have done things. Howard said that she wants to be sexy and that's how she's doing it. The caller said that they should have her on the show. Howard said he thinks she's coming in. Then he said he just totally made that up. Howard said he'd rather interview her over President Obama. Howard said he'd rather talk to her.
Howard said the program director asked him what he was doing and he broke down crying on the air. Howard said it was great. He said he has some audio to play. Howard played some of the audio of Mr. Cee talking about what he has done and how he's been in denial about it for a long time. He said he's not gay though. Howard said he doesn't have to quit his job over it.
Mr. Cee said that he's never had intercourse with another man. He said he has had fellatio with one though. The PD was telling him that's alright. Howard said getting a blow job from a dude is gay. He said that he wants to know why he's resigning. Howard said there was a front page story about this in the paper after this all went down.
Howard played a clip where Mr. Cee broke down crying. Howard said that he knows a lot of radio guys who are gay are doing their shows and not even talking about it. He said it's okay to be gay. He said they don't have to talk about it. Howard said this is why being born gay is so hard. He said there are some who come right out as gay and they're the happiest. Howard said the guys who don't want to be gay but can't help themselves are the ones who are miserable. Howard said the PD is being a good dude. Howard said that they don't care that he's gay.
Howard played more of Mr. Cee breaking down and crying over the whole thing. Howard said it would be great if the PD put a wig on and said that he'd blow him right there. Howard said no PD he ever worked for was that understanding. Howard said he wasn't even with a prostitute... male or female. Howard let he clip play and Mr. Cee was talking about how he has to think about leaving. He said he appreciates them saying he doesn't have to leave.
Howard said another dude showed up and started talking to Mr. Cee. JD said that was Funkmaster Flex. He said that the rival station was making fun of it so Funkmaster Flex went on the radio and started helping out with this. Howard asked if anyone there has a regular name that they use on the air. JD laughed and said they don't.
Howard played more audio of Mr. Cee crying and Funkmaster Flex trying to talk him down with the PD who was in the studio with him. Robin said this is like a movie where everyone is talking and one of the people has an emotional breakdown. Howard said they're telling the guy the right shit. Robin said a mouth is a mouth like Jon Voight says on Ray Donovan.
Howard said no one would stand by him if he was getting blown by guys there. Howard said they'd all be making fun of him. They're already doing that after he kissed Howie.
Howard played more of the Mr. Cee clip and they were telling him that he doesn't have to apologize for being who he is. Howard said he wants a PD like this guy. He said he used to get yelled at for missing his time check. Howard said this guy is great. The PD's name was Breeze. Howard said just imagine Pig Virus being compassionate. Howard said he doesn't think that would happen.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said Mr. Cee is done. He said there's no way to come back from that. He said he won't listen to Mr. Cee. He said he just can't do it. King said he went to a party the night that came out and they were just staring at him. He said it was crazy. Howard asked why they wont listen to him. King said he's a hypocrite. He said that he breaks the illusion by doing this. Howard said he's just trying to understand. Howard said it's hard to understand King so he has to let him go. Howard said his phone connection is among the worst. Howard said it's almost impossible to understand him.
King said he has to stick with him on this. He said Nick Cannon goes to Howard's house and he wondered if he didn't go because Mariah didn't want to go. Howard said they both came to his house once. Howard said he invited him another time and he didn't show up. He said he invited the judges over and included Nick but Nick didn't come. He said Nick said he would see if he could make it. He said he could have just said yes or not. Howard said he told Nick to just let him know next time. He said he wanted him to come but if he didn't want to he could have just said no. Howard said Nick just didn't know.
Howard said King's connection was so bad that he had to let him go. Howard said he likes Nick Cannon. He said he's a bright, bubbly guy and he likes the whole way he interacts and all of that. He said he likes him personally and professionally. He said the guy is a sweetheart of a guy.
Howard said most people don't reciprocate and invite him over to their home. Howard said he invites people over and they don't do the same in return. Howard said Matt Lauer does invite him over. He said Ally Wentworth and George Stephanopoulos have had him over. Howard said he and Jimmy Kimmel are good friends too.
Howard played a clip of Dennis talking about how they should meet Kim Jong Un in Switzerland. Dennis said that he held Un's daughter for the first time after it was born. Rodman was going off on Obama about Syria and asked why Obama is afraid to talk to Dennis Rodman. Howard laughed when he heard that.
Howard played a clip where Dennis was talking about Guantanamo Bay but he didn't know how to say it. He said ''Guatamontata'' or something like that. Howard said it's like Hakuna Matata. Howard replayed the clip to hear that again. Howard said he has a theory after this. He said maybe he went to Korea and now he's speaking Korean. Howard said maybe that's how they say Guantanamo over there.
Howard said this is the best press conference ever. Howard said it's great. He had another clip where Dennis was rambling again about what he said to Kim Jong Un. Howard said he thinks that people were stunned at the press conference. Howard said it's crazy.
Howard said he has a clip of a news guy losing his voice on the air. Howard played that clip where a guy was trying to speak and he coughed and lost it. Howard said the guy went into his Jackie voice.
Gary started to speak so Howard had Fred replay the Baba Booey song. Howard said there should be a dance to that song. Howard said it should be like what Belushi and Aykroyd did in the Blues Brothers.
Gary said if you put in ''Howard Stern'' in Google it'll bring up search terms like ''... is a sell out'' or ''... is a racist.'' Howard and Robin guessed it was going to be ''is a sellout.'' Gary said they did Robin Quivers and came up with ''Robin Quivers is wrong.'' Gary said they did one for George Takei and they came up with George Takei is an idiot'' when you search his name. Gary said they did one for Benjy and it came up as ''Benjy Bronk is fired.''
Howard asked if they did Fred. Gary said they did a bunch but some didn't work. He said that they did Scott DePace and they came up with ''Scott DePace is a douche'' as what comes up when you search his name. Howard said it's a fun game but it's not good for playing for money.
Benjy said the Fred one is funny. He said it's ''Fred Norris is watching me.'' Howard didn't think it was funny.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jay Thomas is on Ray Donovan. Howard said he's really good on the show. Howard said it's not a huge part but he did a great job. Howard said he's a good actor. Robin said she didn't even know he was going to be there. Howard said he thinks he played that part well. Howard said Jay's problem is that he doesn't know what he wants to be. He said he's on the radio but he also acts. Howard said he knows what he wants to be himself. He said he's a radio guy and that's it. Howard said he was going to do some other acting roles but they didn't work out. He said that he was going to be a music company guy in a Melanie Griffith movie but that fell apart. He said that he was going to fuck Melanie in that movie. He said that was a long time ago though.
Howard said he got a bunch of scripts that had good premises but the scripts fell apart. He said one movie was really good until halfway through. Howard said he was going to take a part in a movie that Robin Williams ended up getting. He said he just didn't have time to do it.
Howard said making that movie Private Parts was a very gratifying thing. Howard said he loved doing it. Robin said that she saw Private Parts on iTunes one day. She said that it was amazing to see it there for $9.99. Howard said they should have tapped him to play Lincoln.
Gary said his son Lucas just watched Private Parts the other day. He said that he wasn't even born when that movie was made.
Howard said he was going to do some other things but he'd have to take time off from the radio show. He said he can't do that. He said that he gets kind of nudgie when he's away from the radio show. Howard said Jon Stewart did that when he went to make a movie. He said that they had John Oliver sit in for him and the guy was really good. Howard said no one could fill in for him on this radio show.
Howard asked Gary what other games he had to play. He didn't want to play the Sal Geography game. Howard said Sal was on Craigslist and he found some funny stuff. Howard said Sal found a funny post from a gay guy looking for straight truck drivers to blow. Howard said that the guy is looking for 100 percent straight guys to blow but if a guy lets you blow him then he's not straight.
Howard read some other posts from Craigslist. Sal found one where a guy was looking of someone to piss on him. Howard said we have some country. Howard said this guy is awesome. He was looking for an ugly, fat unwanted woman. Howard said just imagine you're that person. Howard said this guy says he's very good looking and hung.
Howard read through a bunch of them and found a really good one. Howard read the listing and it was a guy who wanted to blow guys in baseball gear. Howard said the guy wanted to do it after a game or whenever.
Gary told Howard that they have a Beetlejuice Song game. He said that Richard will sing a song and they have to guess if Beet will be able to finish it. Howard said he has a guy from Toronto who wants to play. Gary wasn't sure if he could or not but he said he wasn't told that they couldn't.
Howard picked up on Ryan from Toronto who was playing for $500 cash from an NBC show called The Blacklist. Howard said that they'll give an example first. Howard played the first clip where Richard sings ''Baba Black Sheep'' and Beet has to know ''sheep'' in the song. The caller said he would say no. Howard asked if he wanted to take that one on as his first question. The caller said he did. Howard said that gives him a free pass later on. Beet's answer was ''I don't know nothing about... if he's black...''
Howard said the caller has one so far. Howard played another clip of Richard singing ''How Much is that Doggy in the Window'' and Beet had to say ''Window'' to get it right. Richard would leave out the one word when he'd sing it. The caller said he's never heard that song in his life. He said he was going to say Beet wouldn't know it either. Howard played the answer and Beet kind of got it. He just started rambling and did mention something about a doggy in a window.
Howard said that the caller has 3 more questions. He has to get 2 more. Howard played Richard singing ''I'm a little tea pot'' and Beet had to get ''Tea Pot.'' Howard played Beet's answer and he started rambling about short people and big people. He didn't get tea pot.
Howard played the next clip which was Richard singing ''For He's a Jolly Good...'' Beet had to get ''Fellow.'' Howard said he thinks that he might get this one. The caller said he was going to say he will get this one. Howard said he thinks he might be right. Howard played Beet's answer and he said ''fucking monkey'' instead of ''fellow.''
Howard said that the caller has to get one right. He said he has 2 wrong and 2 right so far. Howard played the next clip which was Richard singing ''If You're Happy and You Know It'' and Beet had to get ''Clap your hands.'' The caller took a pass but said he was going to say yes. Beet actually knew the answer. He cursed along with the answer but he got it.
Howard played the next clip which was Richard singing ''I've been working on the railroad'' and Beet had to guess the Railroad part. Howard asked the caller what he thought. The guy said he's going to say no. Howard played Beet's answer which he got right after cursing and asking what the fuck this guy is singing about. Howard said the caller, Ryan, got it wrong. Ryan asked if he could try one more. Howard said he'd give Ryan one more chance.
Howard said this is going to be tough. He said that this was Richard singing ''Old McDonald had a farm'' and Beet had to get ''farm.'' Ryan said that he's going to say yes. Beet's answer was another rambling answer but he never did say farm. He said he was talking about burgers and fries. Ryan said a burger is a cow. Howard said that he thinks that it's McDonald's restaurant. Ryan said he blew it. Howard said he'll give him just one more chance. Howard played Richard singing ''Ring around the Rosie'' and Beet had to sing ''Rosie.'' Howard said he has to know it. Ryan said no way. Beet's answer was something about a ring around a neck. Ryan finally won. Howard said that's how you play the Beetlejuice Song Game.
Ryan said that Howard has been wearing some nice stuff on AGT lately. He said that he was looking for the John Varvatos suit he was wearing but he can't figure it out. Howard said Ralph gets him that stuff from John Varvatos. He said they have a team of guys working on that stuff and Ralph is the leader of that team. He said it takes a village to dress him.
Howard said he found it odd that Ann Coulter made a monkey reference to Obama. Robin said that doesn't surprise her at all. Howard played a clip of Coulter saying that they were making a monkey out of Obama in this whole thing with Syria. Robin said that it isn't offensive to her. Howard played more of the audio of Coulter talking about how Putin keeps making a monkey out of Obama with many things. Howard asked if they're in dangerous territory there. Robin said we're always there with Ann Coulter.
Howard said they had a revelation show on The Talk and Sharon Osbourne revealed that she had an affair with Jay Leno but she had already talked about it there on their show. Howard played some audio of Sharon talking about that affair. Howard had audio from May 15, 2002 when Sharon revealed this on his show. In the clip Kelly told Howard that her mom dated Jay Leno. Sharon was embarrassed to talk about it. She met him at The Comedy Store. She told Howard and Robin that it wasn't that big of a deal. Sharon claimed back then that she didn't have sex with Jay. She said she never even kissed him. Howard said it sounds like he may have been more than she admitted to back then. Howard said Julie Chen revealed that she had her eyes done to look less Asian because someone told her she looked too Asian to be on the air. Howard said he saw the before and after picture and she has had some work done. He said you can't blame someone else for your plastic surgery. Howard said she does look great though. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard said Mike Tyson is coming in tomorrow. Robin said that it turns out he was lying to them last time h was there about being sober. Howard said that's what he wants to come in and straighten out. Howard said Melvin B will be in too. Howard said that she's a Spice Girl and a judge on America's Got Talent. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said that the two guys sitting in the studio are guys who gave money to Rosie's Kids which is a Rosie charity. Howard asked if they've having fun. One guy said he was loving it. They wanted to stay anonymous. Howard said he'd be the same way. Howard asked if they'd be in trouble if someone found out they were there. They said something could happen. Howard said most people announce it to the world. Howard said that guys with jobs will announce it to the world.
Howard said it would be nice if they were free to give their names but he'll turn off their mics and leave them alone. Robin said they even turned out the lights on them. Howard said that's right. Howard asked them to turn the lights out on him too. He said he doesn't want to be seen either.
Howard read about some beer that's made out of cat shit and bull testicles. Howard said they have some made out of elephant shit too. He said Richard actually tried the cat shit beer. Howard asked if that's true. Richard came in and said that he tried the bull testicle beer, not the cat shit. Howard said he was thinking about Richard sitting in with Metallica. Howard said he will let him sit in if he can stop drinking for a month. Richard immediately said no. Howard said he can sit in and watch Lars drum but he has to stop drinking. Richard said he can't stop around the holidays. He said he just can't do it. Howard said he could be done before Halloween. Howard said if he starts today he'll be done by the 16th of October. Richard said he'd miss out because it's Halloween now. Howard said it's not. He said it's just 4 weeks. Richard asked if he could just suck his cock. Howard said he doesn't want his cock sucked by him.
Gary said that Richard has agreed to drink his own cum or make out with Jon Hein but he won't stop drinking. Howard said the door is wide open for him but he has to stop drinking. He said it's just 4 stupid weeks. Robin said he's an alcoholic. Richard said he has tickets to a pumpkin beerfest in October and he spent money on that already. He said he just can't stop now. Howard said there's no way he could even do it in January then. Richard said there are no holidays in January. He said he could do it starting January 1st. Howard said he can't do it.
Howard said he blew it. He said he can't come in and see Metallica. He said that he has to go home and examine his life now. Richard said they used to love drinking so much that they were nicknamed Alcoholica because they liked drinking so much.
Howard said that their new movie is amazing. He said you get put right in the drum set with 3D. Howard said the movie was spectacular and he didn't even see it in 3D. Richard did though. Richard said it was amazing. Howard said he's even wearing his Master of Puppets t-shirt today. Howard said they're going to be right there where those two anonymous guys are. Howard said that he's got more than a month before Halloween. Howard said he has to do something hard to win this shot. Howard said he has to stop drinking.
Richard said there are days that he doesn't drink that he feels so great. Richard said he has a beer dinner to go to this week so he can't do it. Howard said he got into drinking Perrier with some juice in it and it works when other people are drinking around him. He said he should just try it. Richard said he likes the pumpkin beer so much though. Howard said he heard that Richard was hitting JD during the Metallica movie. Richard said JD started it. He said they were moshing. The movie is called ''Through the Never.''
Richard said the movie is incredible. Howard asked if he's passing on this thing or not. Richard said he's going to miss out on 83 pumpkin beers at this festival. Howard said he can try them next year. Howard asked if he would go to an AA meeting. Richard said he would but he'd drink right after. Howard said he should go and bring a beer. Richard said he'd get his ass beat if he did that.
Howard said he wants to see Richard suffer through a month of not drinking. He said he's an alcoholic. Richard said he is. He admitted he's a slave to his beer. Richard said he's not going to deny it. Richard said this is the greatest time to miss out on. Richard said his body is going to break down when he goes back to drinking. Robin said he'll end up in the hospital.
Richard asked if he could sit in for the whole interview. Howard said he can if he can stay quiet. Richard said he can do that. Howard said he can't drink at all for a month. Richard said ''Holy shit...'' He said it's one of the hardest decisions he's ever had to make. Howard said that Richard can't talk to Metallica in the hallway either. He said he may not even let him in the studio that day. Gary said he may have to send him down to the 19th floor that day. Richard said he'll do it. He said he'll try to quit... then he said he'll quit. He said he knows it's good for him. Howard told him to just drink a Perrier.
Gary asked what the punishment would be. Howard said he has to take Sal's cock in his asshole. Gary said that he could blow it off so they have to have a punishment. Howard asked what it could be. Richard said that Sal is probably coming up with something right now.
Sal came in and said that he won't shower for a week and the smegma in his foreskin is disgusting. He said he'll come in and wrap it around Richard's mouth in the studio and he'll throw up from it. He said he'll give him a smegma goatee. Richard said he's smelled it before and the smell will whaft up. Sal said it will make terrorists speak. He said it's awful. Sal said the stuff turns into ricotta cheese there. He said it's really disgusting.
Howard said that's going to be Richard's punishment if he doesn't stop drinking for a week. Howard said they have to do a breathalyzer thing with him. Gary said they have this thing you plug into your iPhone to test. Richard said they have an actual Breathalyzer. Gary said they'll have to depend on the fans to find him drinking and things like that. Howard said they can send someone over randomly to test Richard on the weekends. Fred said there is a test that can be taken 80 hours later. Howard said they are going to test him and he has to answer the door of they send someone over there. Howard said he has to agree to all of this. Richard said that's fine. He said he'll even pee in a cup in front of someone there every morning.
Sal said Richard is going to be so cranky. Howard said Sal is going to be stuck with him too. Richard said he has tickets to so many beer fests. Howard said he bets he'll get a lot more work done. Richard said that it never affects his work. Howard said we'll see about that.
Howard asked where Richard is going to sit during the interview. Gary said he should sit by Fred. Howard said he's afraid that they'll clam up when he's in there. Richard said he's met pretty much all of them except for James. He said he'll be like a fly on the wall.
Fred said that he has a suggestion that Sal collects the smegma for a month so it's concentrated. He said that he'd have a paste for him to use. Howard said he'd rather see Sal do it live.
Robin wondered what will happen if Richard has the DTs. Howard said when he passes out they can apply the smegma. Sal said he wants to apply it with his foreskin since it looks like a paintbrush. Howard told the two of them to get out. Howard said Richard is going to watch Metallica from the couch. Howard did a live commercial and then went to break.
Robin said Howard didn't do too well on picking who went through on AGT. Howard said America is out of it's mind. Howard said that they were wrong about the Kristef Brothers and the shadow people, Catapult. Howard said they're really good. Robin said that was shocking. Howard said those little kid dancers were phenomenal. Howard said he's glad that Cami went through. He said he likes the country singer guy but he was surprised he went through. Howard said that he's a lovely guy but he doesn't have the talent. He said the other people are more exciting. Robin said she thinks that Kenichi is going to win the whole thing. Howard said Cami can sing really well but she may not win. Howard said she'll end up with a career. Howard said Taylor Williamson is a long show. Robin said she was surprised that he went through. Howard said he was glad he did. Robin said she can't believe that kid Collins Key went through. Howard said he does close up magic that would blow Robin away. Howard said he's told him to do that but he won't listen. Howard said it's enough. He said he talks too fucking much too. He said no one wants to hear a 17 year old talking. Howard said they're all talented people though. He said the show was fantastic this week. He said he applauds them all. He said they were all great. He said there were no duds in the group. Howard said he did tell a bunch of them that they would go through. He said he got 3 right. Howard asked Robin if she's voting. Howard said you have got to vote. Robin said she's not voting. Robin said she loved to see the Olate dogs come back. Howard said they're fantastic. Robin said they're amazing. Howard said that show is great but it's killing him. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Howard said because of this he only has to have the smegma moustache and not the goatee. Richard said he'd rather have the goatee. He said that he may have to grow a moustache so it won't touch his skin.
Howard asked Fred if he can believe this. Fred said Richard may have an alcohol problem. Richard said he knows. He didn't seem to care. Richard said he loves beer. Howard said it's only been 15 minutes. He said that's un-fucking-believable. Robin said he probably wouldn't have even had a drink today. He didn't last one day.
Howard told him to get out. He said he let himself down. He called him a weakling. He said they have to put him in a rehab or something.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they should have Richard sit in the Out Q studio during Metallica. Robin said Richard won't care about that.
Howard said that Russell brought up how Hugo Boss made uniforms for the Nazis. He was joking about that and saying how great they looked while committing genocide. Howard asked if they pulled him off the stage or not. Gary said he heard that he was thrown out and asked to leave.
Robin read about how Justin Bieber may have been spreading the word that he might be playing Robin in the new Batman movie. Robin said there are a lot of upset people on Twitter now.
Robin said that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is on Fox and Friends now. Robin said that Jenny McCarthy has replaced her on The View. Howard said that Jenny is going to come on the show to prove that she's not going to blow them off again. Howard said that she's going to come in there and talk about squirting to prove that she's not going to avoid talking about that stuff. Howard said she's dating Donny Wahlberg too.
Robin read about the Miss America pageant and how a New York woman won. Robin said that she's Indian American and she's getting a lot of negative comments from people on Twitter. Howard said he wouldn't know about any of that. He said he's busy with kittens. He said they've adopted out 40 kittens so far. He said they had 15 at the house over the weekend. Howard said he has another 9 that just came in. He said they call them the death row kittens because they were close to being put down. Howard said he photographs all of them. He said you can go to Bianca's Furry Friends on Facebook and see them. Howard said they have another 9 available now and they go very fast. Robin said he almost had her broken down again. Howard said he's also co-chairing the big North Shore charity event and Natalie Maines is going to be performing. that's happening on November 22nd. Howard said Tom Cotter will be there too. He said Kid the Wiz will be there too. Howard said they're going to honor Rachel Ray at the event.
Howard said they had a kitten named Norton that they handed off yesterday. He said he was so upset. Howard said that he loves all of the kittens and he hates handing them off but it's great that they're finding people to take them. Robin said she could use a cat at the shore house. Robin said Leroy was attacking Brangelina so she had to bring him up there.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that the Hugo Boss thing is true. He said when Russell was saying that he had a Hugo Boss sign behind him. He said it was great.
Ralph said the funny thing with Richard is that he loves Metallica and he can't stop drinking to see them. Howard said he has to take the smegma cheese on his face now too. Ralph said he knows this is his favorite part of the year but he's supposed to be the big man. Howard said there's no question that he's an alcoholic. Howard said he will not bring Richard in there. Howard said that they're going to have to make sure they get the new Howard TV incarnation when it comes out. He said people are going to want to see stuff like this.
Robin read a story about a 13 year old and 10 year old child who were killed by their mother in a hotel room. She tried to kill herself but she failed so she was arrested.
Howard said he should have asked Ralph about the new iPhone. Howard said he heard it takes multiple pictures and decides on which one is best. Robin said she hadn't heard that. Howard said he wants to know how it works.
Robin had some audio of President Obama talking about what's going on in Syria and the chemical weapons. Robin said John McCain was on ABC's This Week yesterday talking about Syria. Robin had audio of that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about a vaccination that may be protecting monkeys from HIV. Robin said they want to try the same type of vaccine in people.
Robin read a story about the rain in Colorado that's been causing flooding. Robin said that at least 6 people are missing or presumed dead out there. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read about how Christine McVie has been asked to join Fleetwood Mac. Robin said they're touring now so she'll be back.
Robin read about a rapper named Gucci Mane who was arrested on some strange behavior.
Robin read about John Legend getting married over the weekend. Robin said Kanye West is up on some charges after a run in with Paparazzi. Robin said that he allegedly attacked a photographer after he asked him a question.
Robin said that Carlos Santana ran into a parked car and he was uninjured on Friday night. Robin said he was not intoxicated. Robin said the other car was empty at the time. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:30am.
Jon said they're also going to talk about Richard backing out his plan to meet Metallica. All he had to do was agree not to drink for a month. He said you could hear it in his voice that he wasn't going to do it. He said as the days get closer and closer it's going to eat away at him.
Gary said someone fed him the idea that Richard wouldn't stop drinking for this. He said he didn't believe it. He said he told Howard over the weekend that they should talk about it. He said he didn't realize how big a deal it is to Richard.
Richard said it's the worst time of year to stop drinking. He said he worships pumpkin beer. He said he already has tickets to beer fests where they have 83 types of pumpkin beer. He said he can't not go. He has tickets and his friend is coming up to go with him.
Gary said it's not just this time of year. He said Richard would have trouble quitting at any time. Richard said he thinks it was Jason's idea and he's not pissed at him at all. He said he thought of the one thing he wouldn't want to do.
Jason said he went through his weed challenge and he wanted to see if he could do it for himself. He asked Richard if he can't believe he can't say yes to this. Richard said he really loves beer and he kind of needs it. Gary said it's like starting a diet and telling yourself that you can't drink certain things or eat things. He said you have to just pick it and go. Richard said he thought about all of the fun things he has going on and he can't do it now.
Jason said that one of these days Richard is going to get blackout drunk and he's going to be in the wrong crowd. He said that they went out drinking once and he was so smashed. Luckily he was with friends. Richard said that's not usually how he drinks. Benjy said if Richard gets raped it'll be a good story but Richard is worried about his brain damage. He said they should do a brain scan to see if he has any damage. Richard said that he did well on the IQ test so he seems to be doing well.
Gary said that maybe he could do better if he didn't drink. Richard said he thinks about that but life is short and he loves to have fun. Jason said he's making life shorter too.
Jon said that he gets how that decision making works. He said that you know it's going to shorten your life but you feel it's worth it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's a huge Metallica fan and he'd give anything to meet the band. He said that this is disrespectful of him to do this to the band when James is a recovering alcoholic himself. Richard said he knows that they loved alcohol at one time and he hopes he's not bummed. He said he doesn't think that he'll care either way. He understands his point though. They went to break a short time later.
Benjy said he was reading about how going up and down is bad so he was thinking maybe staying fat is better for you. Gary said that's what he was thinking.
Jon said Richard was able to lose weight and has kept it off. Richard said he got into running thanks to his wife. He said that he was up to about 225 pounds at one point. He was a skinny guy who got fat. Gary said some people are fat and get skinny. Richard said he was skinny but then he got fat in his 20s and he was really heavy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Richard is the guy who is going to get really sick after he puts that smegma on his face. Richard said that he was talking to Sal about it and Sal is going to suffer as much as he is. He said Sal didn't think it through.
Gary said he thinks it'll be worth it for Sal. He gets to get on stage and get the attention for all of this.
Jon asked how proud Howard is about getting thin. Gary said he's really proud. He said he seems to like being skinny.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wants to know from Jon, Jason and Benjy if they could give up fast food. He said that it's just as bad as the drinking is. Jon said he thinks he could give it up for a month to meet Rush in the studio or something. Gary said that someone on the staff only lost like 4 pounds in the weight loss challenge. Jon said he lost like 15 so it wasn't him. Gary said Artie gained 3 pounds in that challenge.
Jon said it's hard to keep the weight off after losing it. Gary said he loves that Richard was able to do it using a free app on his phone. Gary said that it's funny to see him using the app and talking about how he can't eat the rest of the day.
Jason said he tried that app and it is useful. He said that he wasn't able to keep it going. Benjy asked Jason if he stuffs when he eats. Jason said he just eats when he's watching TV. He said he just eats when he's not hungry. They spent a little more time talking about that and then went to break.
Yucko said he never agreed to burn his suit. He said he was just going to retire his jersey. Will said they never said they were going to burn it but he did say that it was going to be the end of Yucko. He said they didn't talk about destroying the uniform. He said that he's still Yucko right now. Yucko said they'll never get rid of him. He said this is really the winding down of the character.
Benjy asked if he really wants to retire him. Yucko asked if Benjy wants to keep eating and getting fat. Gary said this is really interesting because he wasn't funny a couple of times and today he was really funny so he doesn't want to see him go. He said he's not sure that he could get back on the show if he wasn't Yucko. Yucko said ''fuck it'' and he said he won't do Roger on the show. He said he just wanted to come in and plug the show. That's the bottom line. He said he got the feeling that he might not be doing the show again. He said he wants to thank Howard for letting him come in. He said he's going to jump out the 36th floor window after this.
Jon said that he was basically telling Will that he'd do anything to get on the show but then he doesn't do it. He just wanted to get on the show.
Yucko said that if Howard wanted the suit he'd give it up to him right now. He said he doesn't think he wants it. He said he's not going to be one of those girls who comes in and says she's going to get naked and not get naked.
Yucko said that he's a character in the Brickleberry show too. He said they put a lot of Stern references in there too.
Gary asked if he would rather be doing that show or playing Yucko on stage. Yucko said when you do a TV show it takes a while to do. He said you never really see the end product or hear the laugh like you do when you do stand-up. Gary asked if he would do stand-up as Roger. Yucko said that he's willing to do just about anything to make money short of getting on his knees.
Will said it is kind of jarring to see Roger for the first time. He said that he has kind of sad eyes. Gary said he remembers seeing him in Vegas for the first time out of make up. He said that he thought he was a sad guy sitting at a table. He said he does seem kind of weird when he's not in the outfit. Yucko said he feels like he can say anything in the outfit.
Jon asked Yucko about hitting Robing pretty hard with the Watermelonoma joke today. Yucko said once that make up comes off he does feel bad about stuff like that.
Jon said that Yucko was the racist clown but he got nicer over time. Today he was back to being that racist clown though. Gary said he was reading that he came in as a pedophile clown at some point. Yucko said that's how it all started.
Will said Yucko has to come in like he did today and just kill it. He said that they'll have to see how it goes. Jon said it looks like it's going to live on a little longer. Yucko said that he has to thank them for everything they've done over the years. He got in a plug for Brickleberry which is on Tuesdays at 10:30pm on Comedy Central. They ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about some show announcements he wanted to make. He said Metallica will be performing there on Monday. He said the Mandatory Metallica channel just launched on channel 111. He said he's always wanted something like that there. He said Ozzy's Boneyard plays a lot of Metallica but he wants more. He said when you listen to Metallica you're more motivated. He said that he bets that Metallica fans are in better shape than others. Howard also said that they have the live concert on Saturday. Howard said that's going to be some show. Robin asked if he's going to that show. Howard said he is. Howard said he saw them play with a 70 piece orchestra once.
Howard took a call from a guy who said listening to Sal yesterday about his foreskin was like listening to Siobhan about her vagina. Howard said he poked his head in his office and asked if he was storing up that smegma. He said Sal is very proud that he is doing that. The caller said that you just have to keep it dry and it'll never get sticky like that Howard said Sal is saving it up like Ricotta cheese. The caller said it's like popping a zit down there.
Howard asked Sal how it's going down there. Sal came in and said that it's only day 1 so it's a light ferment. He said that hopefully by Monday it'll be fine. He said that he's also going to try to have sex with his wife once or twice. He said that the combination of the vaginal juice and the smegma will be gross.
Howard said Richard can drink if he wants but he got a lot of feedback yesterday about it. He said that he wanted to see if he could quit something for a whole month. Howard said people wrote horrible letters to him and the rest of the crew. Howard read some of the feedback and they were calling them out for trying to get Richard to stop drinking. Howard said this was just a challenge for Richard to meet Metallica. They figured that they wanted him to stop doing something really hard. That was drinking beer. The writer of the email he got was calling him names for trying to get Richard to stop drinking. Howard said this guy is really angry. Robin said he may have a problem with drinking himself. Howard said he's not sure about that.
The caller said that Richard would rather suck a guy's dick than stop drinking. He said they had to find something hard for him to do. Howard said he sometimes thinks that he wasted his entire life talking to his audience. Howard said they should have an audience that gets them by now. The caller said there are a lot of shitheads out there. He also said that he started listening to the show in 2003 or 04 and he gets the show. He said he's heard the older shows so he gets it.
Howard said that Richard wants to sit in the studio with Metallica and he gave Richard a challenge. He's not forcing the guy to do it. Howard said Richard decided that beer was more important. Howard said he doesn't give a fuck if he drinks. He can drink forever if he wants to. Sal said Richard bought tickets to beer events. He said he buys tickets to Disney and things like that while Richard is buying them to beer events.
Howard said Richard was drunk at the Metallica movie the other night and he was punching people there. He said he likes to go out to movies because he can drink. Sal said when they go out to breakfast he figures out a way to drink.
Robin asked how much pumpkin beer he has. Howard said he has like 900 cases. Sal said his apartment is packed with beer. He said his wife is very supportive of it too. He said Richard is a happy drunk too. Howard said it wasn't fun when he was pissing in a phone booth.
Howard said people were calling him names for trying to get him to quit for a month but he really doesn't care. He said that he is worried about how much he drinks but he's not forcing him to stop. He said some people thought it was too much to force Richard to hang out at the Out Q channel during the Metallica segment.
Howard said that he was looking at the mail and people were complaining about King Of All Blacks phone and how bad it sounds. Howard said it does sound awful. He said he's complained about it for years. Howard did an impression of what it sounds like. Sal said he should get a new phone. Robin said he has and they all suck.
Howard said someone compared the Beetlejuice clips to how JD speaks. Howard said he had to listen to that game over again in the car yesterday. He said he actually did that and he still had to sit and listen to it again.
Howard said Wolfie went to this Retro-Con and interviewed some people. Howard said you have to hear this guy. Howard said someone said that he must have gone to the same school as JD. Howard said this sounds more loser-ish than Comic-Con. Howard played the clip and the kid was explaining why he was there and he sounded a lot like JD when he spoke.
Howard said JD was trying to explain something to him and he gave up in the middle of a sentence. Howard said he just knew that it wasn't working so he gave up. Howard did an impression of JD doing that. Howard said if JD ever leaves he's hiring this guy. Howard played more of the clip and the guy was talking about the things he likes at Retro-Con. He really did sound like JD. Wolfie asked him about the kind of porn he likes and the guy even laughed kind of like JD.
Howard picked up on Wolfie and asked if he has that guy's information. Wolfie said he didn't get it. Howard said he should have Sal put his smegma on his face. Howard asked how he didn't get that information. Wolfie said that he sends in people's information and nothing ever happens with it. Howard said that guy is great. He said he has to get his name next time. Howard said he's the next big wack packer. Howard said they could do bits with him and JD. Howard said they could do songs with the two of them and have them doing a Dueling Banjos kind of thing. Howard said if the guy is listening then he has to call in. Howard said someone has to know the guy.
Howard said Wolfie ran into some other people there but not as good as that guy. Wolfie said that guy had a big face too. Howard said they're moving Howard TV and they need something big for when they come back. Howard said they need a new star. Howard said he's sorry JD but he might need the new guy to pull clips.
Howard said that Howard TV did a special on JD that is so fucking good. He said it's great. He said it's JD showing his job and showing how he works his ass off. Howard said he's like the hardest working guy there. Howard said JD is there all day pulling clips from his 17 TiVos.
Wolfie said when you're talking to some guys you don't get it until you go back and listen. He said he didn't know how good that guy was until he went back and listened to it.
Howard played another clip where Wolfie was talking to a guy at Retro-Con asking the same questions he asked the other guy. This guy had an interesting voice. He was a 23 year old janitor who lives at home with his parents. Howard said he noticed that all of these guys do Chewbacca impressions. Howard said that's way more loser-ish than comic-Con. Wolfie said it's the same story with the people who are there. He said that they all blame the economy for why they live at home with their parents.
Howard played another clip where a guy was talking about a Mario Brothers lunch tray he bought. He told Wolfie that he's 31 and he still lives at home. Even he chuckled when he told Wolfie how old he is.
Wolfie said that guy was there with his mom. He said his mom was buying him more junk. Howard said that guy is 31 years old. Wolfie said that she loves him so much that she was buying him more stuff. Howard said that has to be the biggest loser story. He said he's 31 and he's there with his mom. Wolfie said that his mom drove him to a Dukes of Hazard reunion show.
Howard played another clip of a guy doing a Chewbacca impression. Howard said this one went on way too long. The guy sounded like a sad Chewbacca according to Howard. Howard said it actually sounds like the Human Centipede. The guy just kept going in that clip.
Howard said the worst day of his life was the day he worked in the CP Center and he wasn't able to help the guy. Howard said that's the noise he made when he was trying to communicate. Howard said it sounds like a guy in distress, not Chewbacca. Howard said it sounds like when Dexter is about to kill someone and they're pleading for their life. Howard did his Dexter impression and talked to this guy as he was moaning. Sal asked Dexter if he could borrow his knife. Howard told Sal to get out of there. Sal wished his wife a Happy Birthday since it was yesterday. He said his son's birthday is today. He said his son wants to go to Comic-Con but he won't let him go.
Howard said that Howard TV has the audio of JD giving up on his discussion from earlier this morning. JD was trying to explain something to Howard and he gave up in the middle of it saying he knew he wasn't making any sense. Howard asked why that was only in one side of the headphones. Brian Phelan said that he had to split the channels. Howard and Fred did their impressions of JD and tried to figure out what he was talking about. Fred said he has no clue. Howard said he was just trying to get ready for the show.
Howard told JD to come in and do a Chewbacca impression. JD said he can't do it. He said he's not a Star Wars guy. Howard asked if he hears any similarity to himself from that guy he played earlier. He replayed some of the clip and JD said he guesses it's similar. Howard played more of the JD sound-alike. Wolfie said he did JD a favor by not getting the guy's information. Howard said JD would understand if he replaced him with that guy.
JD started to go into the explanation he was giving to Howard before the show today. He was talking about selling commercials that air before and after a TV show. He said they can make more revenue before and after a show. He said that's why they do short cut ins during TV shows these days. Howard said he's trying to say that the first and last commercials are the best positions to be in so they get more money for them. JD said that's why Howard is paid to talk and he's not.
Howard played more of the JD sound-alike where he was talking about the kind of bush he likes and what his specialty is. He said he's into video games and movies and stuff. Howard said that sounds familiar. JD said he can hear the similarities. Howard said this guy is a star. He said he can spot one when he sees one. He said he knew JD was a gem. Howard said that guy dreams of JD's life. JD laughed. JD said that guy gets out more than he does. He said he would never go to a Retro-Con. That led to them goofing on JD about his spoon collection. JD said he's not into spoons. Howard did his impression of JD and goofed on him about the spoon thing. Fred was in on it too. Howard said he heard that Richard bought him a spoon from New England and he got pissed. JD said that he doesn't want spoons. Howard said everyone should get JD a spoon. JD said please don't. Howard asked how many he had. JD said he had maybe 10 at most. He said he lost interest and it was only a couple of months. Howard said that's the most loser thing ever. JD said he wasn't even in high school. Howard said he would bet he was at least 16. JD said he wasn't. Howard said he just got rid of the spoon collection a few weeks ago.
Robin said she's going to buy JD a spoon display case. JD said he's not going to display them. JD said that he gets pictures of people's spoon collections now. Howard said he could have millions. JD said he doesn't want any. He said he wants out of the spoon business.
Hanzi said that he has information that people like Howard don't want him spreading the word about these conspiracy theories. Howard said he's in the Iluminati, that's why. Howard said that Hanzi is really fucked up. He asked what his diagnosis is. Howard said they have to put him away because he's bouncing off the walls. Howard asked what medication he's on. Hanzi said this is what Howard does. He said he deflects. Howard asked what Hanzi does. Hanzi said he engineers what goes on in his life.
Howard asked what medications he's on. Hanzi said he's on Effexor. Howard told the guys to look that one up. Howard asked what else he's on. Hanzi said he's not on anything else. Howard said he should be on like 25 medications. Hanzi said he's never killed anyone like Howard. Howard said he's never killed anyone. Hanzi said he hasn't killed anyone himself but he's sacrificed all of those Wack Packers like Hank.
Howard asked what other meds he's on. Hanzi insisted he's just on that Effexor stuff. Howard said he bets he's supposed to be on more but he won't take it.
Howard asked Hanzi why he calls the show. Hanzi said that he uses all of them and he sends his digital gangsters to harass people. He said that the whole social media thing is all planned out. Fred asked when he last saw his doctor. He said that the side effect of the Effexor is ''strange behavior.'' Hanzi said that he likes Fred but he's deflecting now too. Fred asked about a bunch of other side effects and they weren't letting Hanzi speak. Hanzi said they're not letting him talk.
Hanzi said that he tries to tell his conspiracy theories on Artie Lange's show but now they won't take his calls. Howard said that's right, he called them and told them not to take his calls. Hanzi said they also used Robin's cancer to sell the show. He said that everything is horse shit. Hanzi said that they have to talk about this. Howard said he has to go to his doctor. He said he needs help. Hanzi said he makes people starve and he exploits them. Howard told him not to give away his secrets.
Howard told Hanzi that he's just a dude like him. He said he works on radio and goes home to eat his dinner. He said he has nothing going on other than this. Hanzi said he knows that businesses are being built and he has connections in every industry. Howard said he built his career and he was a nobody. Hanzi said it was all planned out. Howard said it really wasn't. Howard said Effexor does not work. He said he has to let the company that makes it know that.
Howard said he has to go. Hanzi asked if he's really going to do this to him. Howard said he has to get to Mike Tyson. Hanzi said that he knew that he was going to have him do a show there but they stopped that from happening. Hanzi said that they were going to have him in an they stopped that. Howard said he doesn't mean to be rude but he has to leave. Howard asked him to go see his doctor. He said he really needs help. Hanzi told him not to hang up on him. Howard said he has to let his doctor know how he's feeling. Howard said Hanzi won this argument. Hanzi said he wouldn't let him speak. He said he knows he's a fucking loser. Howard said he's not a loser. Howard said he's just like Hanzi and he goes home and watches TV and has his feet washed by starving African children just like Hanzi. Howard said he has to leave it at that. Howard told him to call back next week and they'll continue this. Hanzi hung up. Howard said he beat him to it. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he's wondering if Jay-Z is friends with Mike Tyson. He said Mike just flew in from China this morning. Howard asked how long that flight is. Mike said he doesn't know. He said during that flight he only washed his ass twice. Howard asked if he uses wipes. Mike said you have to use wipes. He said you don't get it all if you don't. Howard asked if he's embarrassed that his wife has to buy him wipes. Mike said that he just uses the wipes they use for the baby. Howard said he used to poke his finger up his ass to get it out of there. Howard asked if he ever had hemorrhoids. Mike said he did from straining from taking a dump.
Howard asked what was going on in China. Mike said he has no idea. He said he forgets what it was. He said they paid him to go so he went. Howard asked if he really has no idea why he was there. Mike said he'd have to talk to his publicist.
Howard asked what he makes of this Floyd Mayweather fight and why he got paid $40 million. Mike said he's a master at what he does. He said that it's almost like watching grass grow though. He said that they go to see the fight to see how the other guy is going to do against him. He said you know the other guy isn't going to beat him. Howard said it's like Mike and how no one could beat him. Howard asked if he's surprised that Mayweather is getting 40 million. Mike said he's not surprised. Mike said he's going to start promoting boxing his own way and he's going to bring it back. He said the fighters have to hate each other and want to kill each other. He said that's the only way to get the excitement back in it.
Howard said he remembers Mike wanting to kill guys. Mike said he knew if he lost that he might not get his dreams so he wanted to kill them. Howard asked if he felt he was out of his mind back then. Mike said he looks back and wonders who that guy was. He said he was that guy in and out of the ring too. He said he would get into fights outside the ring too.
Howard said Mike would knock a guy out in 27 seconds and he'd want to knock other guys out after that. Howard said he remembers reading a story about him getting in a fender bender car accident and he gave the cops $180,000 to get rid of them. Mike said he gave them his car. He said that it was a Bentley. He said it was actually his wife who crashed the car. Mike said that he told the cop to take the car after he said it was a nice car. He knew he had the guy when he told him not to do that to him. Mike said everything went away after that. He said the car was worth like $200,000. He said he was in love with his wife at the time so he had to do that. He said his wife was ridiculous back then too. He said she crashed the car on purpose. He said that she found condoms in the car.
Howard asked Mike if he remembers what sex was life back then. Mike said he didn't. Howard said he dated Robin Givens.
Howard said he was at one of Mike's fights and he looked like he was ready to kill someone. Howard said Mayweather walked in with Justin Bieber. Howard said that can't intimidate an opponent. Mike said he's a master fighter and he's sophisticated. Howard asked if he would have been a challenge for him. Mike said they're not in the same weight class. Mike said he'd have to fight him differently. He said he'd have points taken away for elbowing him and things like that.
Howard asked if he was asked to go on vacation with Justin Bieber. Mike said he's a nice guy. He said he had a social media guy that worked with Justin too. He said that he's in with the geeks. Howard asked if he's still in with them. Mike said he's still geeking out.
Howard asked where he would hang out with Justin Bieber. Mike said he didn't hang out with him. He said he went to a party he had. He said the media guy came to visit him one day. Mike said they were doing an awards show in Vegas and the social media guy came over with Justin. He said that he's used to being around people like that. Howard said he feels that it's really awkward to have famous people over to his house. Mike said he has his kids come in and they love Justin. He said that he's a regular guy and a cool guy. Howard said he wouldn't know what the fuck to do at his house. Mike said they'd play some Call of Duty and things like that. Howard said his guys play that game and play it online. Mike doesn't play online. They kept calling it ''Tour of Duty.''
Howard asked if he made any money off the game they had of him years ago. Mike said he got a flat fee and it sold record numbers. He said he didn't make a lot of money from that.
Howard said he heard that Mike was lying about his drinking. Mike said that he wishes he had never said that. He said it's hard to be truthful with thew world. He said that things are going one day at a time and he understands why celebrities lie about that kind of stuff. Robin asked if he lost something from that. Mike said it's hard for him to tell the truth after that.
Mike said he's 33 days sober as of today. He said he hasn't been drinking or smoking any weed. Howard asked if he gets carried away when he drinks. Mike said he does. He said he can't say how much.
Howard asked if he goes to meetings. Mike said he has to beat this on his own. His wife doesn't think he needs it. He said he has friends that can help. Howard said he thinks that his wife is wrong and he should go. Howard said he must trust his wife more than anyone. Mike said he does. Howard said he was upset because he had to go see this guy who once shot a gun at him. Mike said that's not why he was drinking. He said he had too much good stuff going on in his life and he can't handle that. He said that if all of that stuff is great then that other stuff couldn't be that bad. He said he wants to commit suicide when he drinks. Howard said he must feel defeated. Mike said that people think he's a bad person when he drinks and that's what it's all about.
Mike said he wants to kill himself with shame. He said he could be suicidal. Howard asked if he thinks about hanging people. Mike said he thinks about hurting other people.
Howard said they just brought Mike some coffee. Mike said it's not coffee. He never drinks coffee. Mike said that he just never did drink it.
Howard said he read about Mike being a kid and how this kid fired a gun at him when he wanted to scare him from fucking with his girl. Mike said that it did scare him. Howard said that guy, Teddy Atlas, became persona non-grata in his life. Mike said it wasn't him. He said he had hard feelings toward him but he's getting older and he just buried the hatchet. Howard said he heard he had to meet that guy and it drove him to drink. Mike said that wasn't it. He said he has had other people shoot at him too. He said that he's seen people get shot and die. He said he had friends who shot people.
Howard asked Mike if he thinks that he's invincible. Mike said he's really not. He said he's obscure at this point. Howard said he must be doing well these days with money. Mike said he owes so many people from his past that he may never catch up. Howard said he could make money some day. Mike said he's just happy to be there talking to him. He said that is success right there.
Howard said he heard when he sued Don King that he was going to win no matter what. Howard said he settled the suit for $14 million. He said he was just done with it but he could have won. Mike said that money wasn't a big thing to him. Howard asked where Don King is now. Mike said he's around. Howard asked if that's why he's becoming a boxing promoter. He said he read that he'll never rip off his boxers. Howard said that was a dig at Don. Mike said it really wasn't. He said that it was a dig at anyone who has ever been ripped off by promoter. Howard said Don did it to him though. Mike said he was there though and he has to take some of the responsibility himself. Howard said you can't trust a black man or a white man. Mike said there aren't many people you can trust when it comes to money.
Howard asked Mike if he has any clients yet. Mike said he has a world champion. He said his job is to make sure he fights the best fights. He said his manager gets the money for him. He said he just promotes the fights. Mike said he doesn't own any fighters. He said these guys just fight for him.
Howard asked mike if he really doesn't remember why he was in China. Mike said he was there to promote a product and do some other things. Mike said that they look at him differently over there. He said it's hard to get out of the hate that they have for him here in this country. Howard said he knows how that is. He said he gets that on Twitter from his own fans.
Howard asked Mike about his birds and if he has people to take care of them for him. Mike said he has people. Howard said he sees that bird thing as Mike wanting to be able to spread his own wings and fly. Mike said that it's not that. He said he can't spread his wings. He said that he has so much going on in his lief that he can't do it.
Howard said that Mike is one of the angriest guys he knows. He said that he's angry himself but Mike is really angry. He said he has to be angry from the way he grew up. Howard said that he has to be pissed at the world. Mike said he's mad at himself. He said he wanted to kill people he had resentment for and he didn't do it. He said that was all anger. He said he had a lot of bitterness. He said he hated being short. He said that he's only 5'10 1/2'' tall. He said he didn't like being that short. Howard said he's 6'5'' tall and he's too tall. He said he'd give him 3 inches if he wanted.
Howard said Mike has a lot going on. He said that he has a show called ''Being Mike Tyson'' that's going to be on FOX starting this weekend. Mike said that's a 6 part show where they go back and talk to the people in his life from his past. He said he goes back and talks to Evander Holyfield about biting his ear off. He said that they both forgive each other for what they did to each other. Howard asked if he apologized to Holyfield. Mike said he did a lot.
Howard said that Mike used to sleep with his pet tiger. He said he thought that was insane. Howard said just feeding that thing must have been a fortune. Mike said it was.
Howard said Mike must have fucked like a champion. Mike said he doesn't know about that. Howard said he knows he read something about that. Mike said he doesn't even show that thing to anyone anymore. He said it's not the same these days.
Howard asked what he thinks about people who show their cocks on social media. Mike said he used to do that stuff. Howard asked if he's ever made a sex tape. Mike said of course he has. Howard asked how many women he's had in his life. Mike said he hasn't had that many. Howard asked what kind of advice he'd give to a young boxer about getting pussy. Mike said he wouldn't give any advice. He said it's going to be a very empty, lonely life. Mike said it takes so much away from us when you're like that. He said you don't become interesting. Mike said that sometimes he wonders why anyone would fuck him. He said that he just doesn't get it sometimes.
Howard gave Mike some more plugs for his ''Being Mike Tyson'' show and talked to him about hanging out with Mohammed Ali. Howard said the guy is locked in a shell at this point. Howard said he isn't doing very well. Mike said that when they get to his age they don't know what life will be like. Mike said he was just glad to be in his presence. Howard asked what they talk about. Mike said that he talks about Sam Cook and things like that.
Howard asked Mike about being a Muslim and how that's worked for him. Mike said he has always been Muslim. Howard said he can't believe that he was fucking a prison guard when he was in prison. Mike said that he could have gotten in trouble if they had found out about it. He said he was very nervous about the whole thing. He said she got pregnant and his friend took her to get an abortion. He said she would have been in a lot of trouble if she had kept the baby. He said he doesn't think that she's a guard anymore. He doesn't keep in touch with her though. He said his wife wouldn't allow it.
Howard asked Mike if the whole Desire Washington thing makes him mad. Mike said he had to think about it when he was writing his book. Howard asked how he proves that he didn't rape that girl. Howard said that Mike claims it was consensual sex. Howard said Mike wanted to tape sex after that to show that it was consensual. Mike said that when it comes down to that you just want to say ''fuck those people'' and fuck them right in their ass. He said he can't respect those people because they can't even respect themselves. Howard said they're all scared shitless of him. Mike said that people say this is the greatest country in the world but it's not. He said we have friendly fire killing our own troops.
Howard asked Mike about what's going on in Syria. Mike said that we shouldn't get involved. Howard asked what he thinks about going into Iraq after 9/11. Mike said we can do whatever we want to do. Robin found it funny that he was asking Mike Tyson about things like that. Howard said that he wants to know what he thinks. He asked mike about what Dennis Rodman has been doing by going to North Korea. Mike said we shouldn't be going to North Korea. Howard said he's not leaving his house.
Robin said that we have learned our lesson in Iraq. Robin said it becomes our problem when we remove a dictator.
Howard said he'd love to see a fight between Mike Tyson and Putin. Mike said that Putin is only like 5 feet tall. Howard said it would still be a great fight. Howard asked if Mike would ever fight again. Mike said he will never fight again. He said he's not that person anymore. Mike said that he was at a meet and greet and he freaked out about not getting paid his 15 grand. He said he did snap but the world treats him differently when he's angry. He said he got his money. Howard wondered who the woman was that wouldn't give him the 15 grand. Mike said she wasn't that brave.
Howard said he doesn't know what it's like to have a fist that can knock someone out. Howard said it must be great to be that masculine. Mike said that he doesn't want to be that person again. Howard said it must be great though because it's just one man. He said he doesn't have a team behind him. Howard said he just did it himself.
Mike asked Howard to talk about what he has going on. Howard gave Mike more plugs for the ''Being Mike Tyson'' show and said it starts on FOX and them moves to FOX Sports 1. Howard said Mike's book ''Undisputed Truth'' is coming out soon. Howard said he has to read that. He said he hates reading but he'll read that book. Howard asked if he'll learn anything in that book. Mike said he will list the diseases he got but not all of the women he had. Mike said that he has to check out the book. Howard asked if he got the herpes. Mike told him to read the book. Howard told him to give a teaser. Mike told him to just read the book.
Howard asked if he ever fucked a fat chick just for the hell of it. Mike said that there may have been some that were just breathing.
Robin asked if Howard ever told him how well endowed he was. Mike said he's very small. Howard said he has like an inch himself. Howard said women must have been waiting for a big schlong to come out. Howard asked how big he is when he's hard. Mike said he's very small. He said he's smaller than 2. Howard said that can't be true. Howard asked how big he really is. Mike said he's never measured. Howard said he's measure it. Mike asked if he wanted to suck it. Howard said he'll make out with him but he's not going to suck his dick.
Howard gave Mike some more plugs and said that he co-wrote it with Ratso. Howard said that's his buddy. Mike said they were supposed to do it in 07 and 08 but those were his coke days so they didn't do it. He said they did it now because he's clean.
Howard asked if he's friends with Jay-Z. Mike said Jay-z is a big star and he wouldn't hang out with him. Howard said Mike is a big star too though. Howard asked Mike how big his entourage is. Mike said it goes up and down all the time.
Howard gave Mike more plugs and talked to him about flying to China again. Mike was saying the flight was like 15 hours each way. Howard wrapped up and thanked Mike for coming in. Howard told him to come back when the book comes out. He said he bets there's a lot of good stuff in there. Mike said he's embarrassed already. He said there's a lot of personal stuff in that book. Robin asked what his kids are going to think when they read the book. Mike said they already think he's an alien.
Howard asked Mike if he ever goes back and watches his fights. Mike said he can't do it. He said that's a different guy than he is now. He said he'll watch the Hangover and stuff like that.
Howard said Leon Spinks wanted to say hello. He picked up and Sal and/or Richard was playing audio of Leon from the show. They had him mumbling unintelligibly. mike said that would be him if he didn't have his support system.
Robin asked if Mike ever gets together with the fighters he's fought in the past. Mike said that he loves seeing them when he does run into them.
Howard said he thinks that Mike would be great in the movie series The Expendables. Mike said that he has no control over that. He said he won't kiss anyone's ass for that. He said he just won't do it.
Robin asked how the one man show came about. Mike said he saw Chazz Palminteri do it and that go him thinking about doing it.
Howard said that he doesn't get why Spike Lee doesn't like him. All he did was say that he doesn't like some of his movies. Howard said that he has to think Mike for coming in. He gave him some more plugs. Mike asked him to please plug everything. Howard went through it again. Howard said you don't want to get over exposed.
Howard said Mike is sober 33 days now. He said that's good. Howard said that that's it. Mike said that Howard's hair is getting thinner. Howard said it's thick and beautiful. Howard said he's gotten it cut shorter. Howard said that he shouldn't be talking about his bush.
Mike asked who he has coming in next. Howard said Mel B is coming up. Howard said Mike should come and see the show this week. He said that they're on tonight. Mike said he'll bring his wife tonight. Howard said he should. He said he has seen his wife and she's hot. Howard said they'll party with her. Mike said he hasn't seen his wife. Mike said he saw his girlfriend. Howard said he's married to her now. Mike said that's so awesome. Mike said his first wife was with him when he was broke. Mike said some people have no money and get divorced. Mike told him not to get serious now. Howard said he likes Mike better when he's drinking. Howard said he's just kidding and he's a good man.
Mike asked about the guy who was on the phone before he got in there. Howard said that was Hanzi. Howard asked Mike if he's in the Iluminati. Mike said he doesn't have any money and he's black so he's not in the Iluminati.
Howard asked Mike if he went back and traced his roots in Africa. Mike said he never did. He said it was good seeing Robin today. Robin laughed and said it was good seeing him too. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Mel B is there. Howard said she's his co-judge on America's Got Talent. Howard said she was also in the Spice Girls. Howard said that they sold 75 million records. Howard said she's looking more beautiful than ever. Howard said she's filling in on the Today Show this week. Howard asked if she's being groomed to replace someone over there. Mel said she doesn't know. She said maybe they are. Howard said she's good with Al Roker. Mel said she likes Al. Howard asked if she's hoping for a show like that. Mel said she's more about her music but she'd consider it.
Howard asked why she's not performing her new single on AGT. Howard asked if she's insulted by that. Mel said she is. She said she did play them her song and maybe they didn't like it. Howard said he thinks it would be interesting to see her do that. Howard said he asked the producers why they didn't have her sing. Howard said they have no answer for him. Mel said that Brandon and Sam are out in the green room. Howard had them come in to explain themselves. Howard said the finale of the show is tonight and tomorrow night. He said they don't have a lot of time left.
Gary said that they said no way they were coming in. Howard said he wants to know what their answer is. Howard asked Mel if she has the song with her. Mel said she can't play it yet. Gary came in and said that they say the show is booked. Mel said they're assholes. Howard said he'll play the song on a boombox tonight.
Howard asked Mel what happened the other night when she smacked Howie on the head. Mel said that the NBC social media told her to interact with the Twitter people. She said they were asking her to slap him on the forehead so she did. Howard said he didn't like that. Howard said if she did that to him he would have been very confused.
Howard said he feels that he has everyone's back on the show. He said he would never hit anyone. Howard said she hit Howie pretty hard too. Robin said that she really did hit him hard. Robin said she found it odd. Howard said she came off poorly. Howard said he'll be honest with her. He said he's encouraging Howie to press charges.
Howard said Mel is wearing a very tight outfit. Howard said it's super tight. Mel said it's really not. Howard said they don't have her show her body on AGT. Mel said she rests her boobs on the table.
Howard said Mel had a rough life growing up. She tried to commit suicide. Mel said she did. Howard wanted to get into that but she said ''Fuck you'' to Howard. Howard asked why she had these thoughts. Mel said everyone has those thoughts at some point when you're a child. Mel said that being a mixed race can be kind of rough at times. Howard said kids would pick on her why. She said she lived in a white neighborhood. She said that they didn't know what to call her. She said she's a mix so they didn't know. Howard asked if she got spit on. Mel said she did. She said she lived 4 hours outside of London. She said that even her mom and dad getting together was a bit rough on them.
Howard asked about getting spit on. Mel said she's not going to play the sympathy card. She said it was odd. Howard tried asking her more about that but she told him to shut the fuck up. She said she's going to slap him on the forehead too.
Howard asked how she got into the Spice Girls. She said they put themselves together. She said that they hires Simon Fuller after getting together. She said they were on the audition circuit when they were like 16-17. Howard said their first big hit was ''Wannabe.'' Howard played some of that. Howard asked about how they wrote the song. She said they co-wrote it. Howard asked if they have a bunch of people who write. Mel said it as two guys. She said that it was Matt and Biff. Howard asked if they made good money on that. She said she hopes they did because the rest of them did.
Howard said they had a 5 girl group so they had to split the money. Mel said they did. Howard said that he spoke to Mel about how much she's worth on a bus ride once. Howard said they get money from the publishing and they sold so many records. Howard said these days it's tough. Mel said it's very tough and especially if you don't have good management.
Howard said that this was another hit song the Spice Girls had. It was ''Say You'll Be There.'' Howard asked how they wrote this one. Mel told Howard about how they sit in a room and have a glass of wine and come up with it.
Howard said he has the feeling that Posh Spice was hired because of her looks more than for her talent. Mel said they weren't hired. They just got together. Howard asked if Posh wrote the songs. Mel said they all wrote them together. She said that's the way it worked 100 percent.
Howard asked about the money split and how much Simon fuller got. She said he got his fair share. She said that she's not going to go into details about her fucking contract. Mel said she wants to know how much Howard makes. Howard said everyone knows. Howard said he doesn't want to know the exact numbers. He's just wondering about the percentages.
Howard asked Mel about her Scary Spice name. Howard said that must have kept people away from her. She said that it did and she didn't mind that at all. Howard said most male groups go nuts sexually when they get famous. Mel said she had a lot of fun too. She said she thinks she's very well thought out. Howard said she's like a guy when it comes to sex. Mel said she had a guy mentality back in the day. She said she was 18 and traveling the whole world.
Howard said Mel says that she and Jeri once pulled their tops down for some people. Mel said it was just once. She said they dared each other to flash and they did it. She said they just wanted to see the reaction. She said it was funny.
Howard asked Mel if she goes back to her old neighborhood. Mel said that she hears a lot from her neighbors and they sell their story to people and she'll never speak to them again because of that.
Howard asked if she's on good terms with her family. Mel said she takes care of her whole family. Howard asked why her family would say what they say about her. Mel said that they will print anything over there. Howard said he's not sure why her sister would say something about her.
Mel said she's pleasantly surprised about this interview. She said that she had a panic attack before coming in. Howard said he's curious about her. Mel said she's a straight shooter. Howard said he hasn't asked her about Eddie Murphy yet. Mel said ''Fuck you'' again. She said she can't believe that she agreed to do it. Howard asked if she's wearing underwear today. Mel said she's not. She said she has a bra on though. Howard said he just saw her lips down there. Mel said he did not. Howard said he's just joining the other men who have seen that thing. Mel said not that many have seen it.
Howard asked Mel about her marriages and her dating Eddie Murphy. She said he was a great guy. She said she was married once about 14 years ago and then dated Eddie. She said that now she's married again.
Mel asked why that guy is in there taking pictures of her. She told the pervert to stand up. Howard told Jason to get out of there.
Howard asked Mel about Eddie and if they were instant lovers. Mel said they were very in love. She said they had a baby together. Howard said that's funny that she didn't use protection. Mel said they were dating for a while before they had that. Howard said he would wear a rubber with her. Mel said she's old school when it comes to that stuff. Howard said Mel lived with a woman for 5 years too. Mel said that's true. She said she was in love with a woman. She said that women are crazy. She asked Robin if that's true. Robin took a second to respond. Robin said that's why she works with men.
Howard said Mel and Eddie tattooed their names on each other. Howard said they had only known each other for 3 months. Howard asked if that's a bit peculiar. Mel said that people who live in the public eye are nuts so there you go.
Howard said the thing that did in the romance was that Mel was rude to Eddie's mother. Mel said that's not true. Howard said that killed the entire relationship. Mel said that wasn't it. She said she knows what ended it and it wasn't that. She said she's not going to tell Howard what it was. She said some things have a beginning, middle and end. She said Howard isn't going to get anything else out of that.
Howard asked Mel about Eddie making her go through a paternity test. Mel said she actually made him get it. Howard said she wanted to prove it to him that he was the father. Mel said that she handled it and dealt with it. She said she's not bitter. Howard said he's bitter about it. Howard said he's bitter because Eddie doesn't do stand-up anymore.
Howard said Mel likes women so he wanted to know if she brings other women into bed. Mel didn't answer. Howard said that's what he figured. Howard said that she has said that she'd be a gold medalist in sex if it were an Olympic sport. Mel said that she has said that. Mel kept telling Howard to shut the fuck up. Howard said she used that at some of the auditions when they were on the road. Mel said the kids know those words. She said that she doesn't curse around her kids that much though. Howard said he gets the feeling she likes kids. Mel said she has 4 so she must. Howard asked if she's attracted to her female nanny. Mel said she's her employee. She said she's not. Howard asked if she has ever wanted to have sex with Heidi. Mel said she likes them young and perky. Howard asked what's wrong with her tits. Mel said she thinks Heidi is gorgeous. Howard asked if her breasts hang too low. Mel said she's not going to say anything.
Howard said he heard a conversation when they first stated working together at AGT. Howard said he thinks he heard them say that the girls had to be friendlier to each other. Mel said that she's worked with Heidi for a long time and she likes her. Howard asked Mel if she had to sleep with one of them, him, Howie or Heidi, would it be Heidi. Mel asked Howard if he has a big penis. Howard said it's small and thin. Mel said it wouldn't be him. She said it wouldn't be Howie or Heidi. She said that she's not fucking any of them. She said she would just do herself. Howard said she has to sleep with someone. Mel said that it's none of them. She said none of them are attractive to her at all. She said if Howard had a thick penis then maybe that would be an option. Howard said he makes it work for Beth. Mel said she's hot and there must be something going on there.
Howard asked Mel about bringing other women into bed. Mel said that she never said that happens. She said she and her husband have a great relationship. Mel said she did have fun back in the day. Howard asked if she licked the women. Mel laughed and said she thinks about a cat when he says that. Mel told Robin to just jump in when she feels she wants to. Robin said she's waiting for an answer.
Howard asked Mel about the relationship she was in with the woman and if she had any penis in that 5 years. Mel wasn't saying anything. Howard asked if she ever had an affair with any of the Spice Girls. She said that she did kiss them. Mel said she got her tongue pierced and she kissed them all to test it out.
Howard asked Mel about why the band broke up. Mel said that they didn't break up. She said she's exhausted from this. Howard told her to stop it. Mel said they didn't even give her breakfast. She said there was one croissant in there. Howard said that was for her.
Howard asked if she enjoys doing AGT. She said she does. She said she's going to miss it and miss working with Howard. Howard said he thought she was quite good on the British X-Factor. Howard said he wasn't sure how she was going to be until he saw the tape of that. Howard said he thinks this was a good season of AGT.
Howard said tonight should be good. Mel said it's going to be killer. Howard said last week there were 12 finalists and he thinks that some talented people were over looked.
Gary came in and said that Mel has to be across the street in 12 minutes so she has to leave. Howard asked if she's ever going to talk about these threesome's. Mel said she's not. Howard said he thinks that she's would have sex with him. Mel said that she doesn't want small and thin. Mel said that she wants big and thick.
Howard asked if she would do a world tour with the Spice Girls. She said she would. Howard asked if it's Posh Spice that's holding it up. Mel said that everyone works. He said that they're all very busy doing other things.
Howard gave Mel some plugs for AGT and said that it's all her show and the rest are just supporting cast. Howard said he wants Mel to judge something. He had Eddie Murphy's new song. Mel said that it's a good song. She said he's a very talented person. Howard asked if she made love to Eddie the first night. She said she did not. Mel said she told Howard she waited. Howard asked if she ever had a three way with him. Mel asked why he would ask that. Howard said that's what he heard. Howard gave Mel some plugs for America's Got Talent which is on tonight and tomorrow night with the finale. Howard said you can tune in tonight and be blown away even if you haven't seen the rest of the season. Mel said she thinks that Forte or Cami is going to win. Robin said she think that Kenichi is going to win. Howard said he thinks that Forte could win. Howard said Jimmy Rose could win too.
Howard asked if it's true that she and Eddie were holding hands within a half hour of meeting. Mel said that's true and she wondered how he knew that. Howard said he ash a tape recorder taping everything she does. Mel said she really has to go. Howard said she wasn't open and honest today. Mel said she's not going to talk about making love to women. Mel ran out a few seconds later.
Gary said he heard her saying ''what an asshole'' as she was walking out. Howard said he is an asshole. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they had some good interviews today. He said he wishes Mel would have gone into more about Eddie. Howard said she has a child with him so she may not want to get into it.
Howard said that was fun. He said pictures of the green room food were tweeted out. Howard said they did have a spread of food.
Howard said they're doing a special on Thursday with George Takei. He said it's a special fan forum show with George. Howard said that's going to be on Thursday at 5 with Jon Hein hosting.
Howard said it was an exhausting morning. He said tonight Jackie's Joke Hunt is on. Howard said that's on at 5 and Riley Martin is on at 7.
Howard said he will be on America's Got Talent tonight with Miss Mel B. Robin asked if she did the Kelly and Michael show. Robin said her mother told her she saw him. Howard said she probably saw Howie Mandel. Howard asked what's with her mother. Howard asked if her mother takes an interest in anything she does. Robin said that she's been on Howard's show for 32 years. Howard said she doesn't know the difference between him and Howie Mandel. Robin said that she wondered why Howard didn't tell her he was on the show. Howard said she had to know what was going on there.
Howard asked if her mother is completely out of it. Robin said she's not. She said she's completely with it. Robin said she probably just got the things mixed up and saw him on some other show.
Howard said even if she was confused you know Howie wasn't talking about her. Robin said she thinks that she combined a few things into one. Robin said there is a glitch in the system now and then. Robin said that her mom seems surprised about it when she talks about Howard saying nice things about her. Howard said he hasn't spoken to Robin's mother in a long time. He said he might have to straighten her out.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why Robin let Mel B talk to her like she did. Robin said she was telling everyone that. Howard said she was trying to be funny. Howard said they didn't take offense to it. The caller didn't think it was funny. He said he took offense himself. Howard said he thought it was interesting.
Howard said Richard was talking about giving up alcohol for a month to meet Metallica. He said that he backed out after 15 minutes and now Sal is storing up cock cheese for Richard. Howard said he's building up a ricotta like cheese down there. Howard said that Sal is so hot that his wife is still going to have sex with him. Fred said that it might smear it off if he does have sex.
Howard said Little Mikey wrote a song about Sal's cock smell. Howard played that song. Howard said for once it wasn't about Robin. Robin tanked Mikey about that.
Howard said Oprah Winfrey also spoke about Sal's cock. He played a clip that the guys edited together. Howard said Eli Braden wrote a new song about Robin. He played that song and Robin laughed. Howard said that's the number one song in the country he did a parody for. It was Katy Perry's ''Roar''. That led to Howard playing the top 5 songs. He had Katy Perry's song and then Robin Thicke's ''Blurred Lines.'' Howard said that Lorde was number 3 with ''Royals.'' Howard said Jay Z and Justin Timberlake were at number 4. Number 5 was Avicii. Howard said that sounded kind of country to him. Robin said it did but she doesn't know.
Howard said the real number one is that Eli Braden song. He replayed some of that. Howard said in honor of Metallica he had another one about Robin. He had a parody of a Metallica song about fucking Robin.
Howard said he's very excited about this Metallica channel they have on now. He said that's on channel 111. Gary said it's on now. Howard said the big concert is coming up on Saturday. Howard said they have the Apollo theater for that concert. Howard said Metallica will be stopping in on Monday. Howard said he's looking forward to talking to those guys. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break after that.
Howard came back and did a live commercial read. After that he said they tweeted out the photo of the green room food and people were goofing on it. Howard said for years they didn't have any food. Howard said it's a nice spread. He said it looks good. Howard said that they were eating it like wolves. Howard said at least they have something. He said he was embarrassed when they had nothing. Robin said Mel had a very specific demand when she asked for her soda. Howard asked how they got that so quick. Gary said they have a refrigerator of drinks. They had the Diet Coke in there. Gary said they have some stuff.
Howard said he's impressed with their spread. Gary said Jason pushed all of the food together for the picture too.
JD said that Mel got all discombobulated on the Today show. He told Howard to play a clip. In the clip Mel was talking about how she had just done the Howard Stern Show and she's all discombobulated. She said that she did it 15 years ago and it's really bad. She said that his show was completely inappropriate. She and the other hosts were talking about that with her and she was happy to get off of that subject. Howard said that's a good commercial for the show. Gary said JD says he should keep playing it. Howard continued the clip and Mel was talking about America's Got Talent and the sword swallower on the show. They related that to the Stern show. Mel said she just loves her husband very much. Mel said that she found it inappropriate when Howard asked her about his wife.
Howard said she got a little loopy. Howard said he's not sure what he asked that got her so thrown off. Howard said he wasn't able to get much out of her. He said he did a lot of research with his staff.
Howard took a call from Gary the Retard who said that people keep asking when he's going to be on his show. Howard told him to tell them to shut up. Howard said he knows he likes coming on the show. Howard said that every conversation is the same with Gary. Howard said he says that people are bugging him. Howard said at least someone is talking to him. Gary said he's getting a lot of prank phone calls from people. Howard said one of these days they'll get together. Gary asked if he's going to keep working. Howard said he has 2 more years with this deal. Howard said they'll get him in there before then... He hopes.
Howard asked how old Gary is. Gary said he's 61 and he'll be 62 in February. Howard asked if he has any grey pubes yet. Gary said no. Howard said that has to be a lie. Gary said he has grey hair but not down there. Gary said he gets his hair dyed in California. Howard said he must have family there. Gary said they dye his hair there. Howard asked why they would do that. Howard said he's got no teeth. He said they should work on that.
Howard said hopefully they'll see him soon. He let him go and said that he can't possibly have people asking him when he's going to be on the show. He said he has to be playing them just to get him on the show. Robin said he doesn't realize that they're smarter than him.
Howard said he thinks that the Heidi and Mel B friendship is just for TV. He said he doesn't have the feeling that it's a real thing. Howard said he always thinks there's something between women. Robin said that's the old stereotype. Howard said he's old and he's full of stereotypes.
Howard said Oprah has said that she's going to have more fun on her OWN network. He said that she's going to have Stedman rub cock cheese on her face to have some fun. Robin said she was watching The Talk and Oprah revealed that she's afraid of balloons. Howard said that Richard is afraid of cock cheese. Howard said he's going to look like Edgar Winter with that on his face. Howard said it's crazy that they're going to do that with him in the studio. Robin said that's punishment for everyone there.
Howard said Will Smith's son tweeted out that school is bullshit and if everyone dropped out we'd have a better world. Robin said that's because he's from that family.
Howard said he played that tape of Mr. Cee yesterday. He said that he apparently stayed on the air.
Howard said Kim Kardashian got a new publicist and left the family publicist. Howard said that's to separate herself from the family. Howard said she's embarrassed by that family now.
Howard asked Robin what's in the news. Robin said she hasn't heard Eddie Murphy's song with Snoop Dogg. Howard said he has it. Howard played the song and Robin asked if he's Jamaican now. Howard said he must be. He said Snoop is the one who is into that now. Howard wondered if that's offensive to Jamaican people when they sing like that.
Howard read a story about Tara Reid and they said she was ''day clubbing.'' Howard said he has no idea what that is. He said they say she has painfully thin legs too. He said he's not sure what that means either.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who said that he went to the green room at K-Rock and they had a small bag of cookies for him. Howard told him not to expect more than that now. He said they put out a little bit of a spread. Howard said that spread they put out today was like $75. He said that's just some fucking fruit and muffins.
Robin read a story about how Bill Gates is one of the richest men in America. He's worth $72 billion. Howard said they didn't even invent the Windows operating system. Howard said that he just bought it from IBM. Robin said she thought they invented DOS or something. Howard said he just knew enough to buy Windows. Howard said the guy who invented DOS is probably sitting in an apartment all by himself with lint in his beard. Howard said the guy who invented Windows is probably doing the same. Robin said that Warren Buffet is in there with other people like Mark Zuckerberg. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Mark Zuckerberg and how he's announced a new challenge to himself. Robin said he's done this before. Robin said the new challenge is to actually meet more real human beings. Howard said he sets his standards low. Robin said he wants to have a face to face conversation with someone he's never met before. Howard said he'd like to get up to one bowel movement a day. That's his goal for this year.
Robin read about the mass shooting at the US Naval Yard in Washington DC. Robin said that the President talked about that incident and said that it was a cowardly thing to do. Robin said the mayor of Washington DC is calling it a national tragedy. They had some audio of him speaking. Robin said 13 are dead and many other wounded. Robin had some audio of a women talking about what she heard when the shooting was going on. Robin said the shooter was a 34 year old man. He was shot by police. Robin said he had security clearance. Robin said he was hired by some security firm to work there. Robin said no one is sure why he did what he did.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that he's looking forward to the finale this week of AGT. He asked if Bon Jovi is going to come in. Howard said he just put the word out there for Jon to come in but he didn't. Howard said he doesn't have the guy's number. Howard said he sees Bobo at almost every AGT show. He sees that wig flapping around in the air.
Robin read more about the shooting in Washington DC. Robin said the family was crushed when they heard the news. Howard said that has to be a little weird. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the porn industry shutdown that will end on Friday. Robin said they're going to have actors tested every 14 days for HIV. Robin said that's the safest way to move forward.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves the show and he's along time listener. Howard said everyone's phone connection sounds like they live on Mars. The caller said that Hanzi is out of his mind. He also said he knew Robin had cancer because he was in the hospital when she was in there. He said that the family never said a word even though they knew. He said his little daughter loves Howard too. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. Robin said that was very nice of him not to tell anyone.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that was the worst interview with Mel B. He said she just kept saying ''Fuck you'' to Howard over and over. Howard said that's her style. The caller said he would have thrown her out after the first ''fuck you.'' He said Howard is slacking on the radio side. Howard said he can't force her to answer something. The caller said something happened to Howard. Howard said maybe it's time for him to cancel. Howard said he did the best he could. Howard said maybe it is over for him. He said he's a slacker and he puts nothing into the show anymore. He thanked the fuck head for calling in. Howard said he meant Booger, not fuck head. Howard said maybe he's on to something.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thought the interview was great. He said he'd love to fuck the accent out of her. Howard thanked him for the call too. Howard said the other guy says he's over and this guy says it was great. He said he's not sure who to believe.
Howard said he's going to try to stay awake tonight on AGT. He said it's a tough thing to do. Howard said he'd like to know if that caller has ever fucked an accent out of someone. He said he certainly hasn't done that himself.
Robin asked Howard about tonight's AGT and if the acts are performing twice. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said he really doesn't know. Howard said he just knows they want him there at 4:30 for a 9 o'clock show. Howard said they want him to do press for the show but he's done enough. He said next thing they're going to do is ask him to come in at 3:30 and build the set for them. Howard said he needs some time to recover from the radio show. Howard said this goes on all day long.
Robin read a story about Russell Brand having a new girlfriend. Howard said he'd like to talk about that but he has to get to Radio City to vacuum the theater. Robin said that she saw him in Atlantic City and he had women throwing themselves at him. Robin said he has a huge female audience.
Robin said Britney Spears is going to be working in Las Vegas and getting $310,000 each time she performs. Howard said that's big money. She's going to be doing 96 shows over 2 years. Howard said he'd like to know what that equals but he'd have to do math. Howard asked Robin what that's worth. Robin said it's $30 million.
Howard's phone was ringing so he had to shut it off. Robin asked Howard how he pre-ordered his iPhone 5s. Howard said he just did it. He said he's not going to order that piece of crap 5c. Howard said he's getting the 5s with the fingerprint reader. Howard said it does other things too. He said he thinks that the LTE service isn't that great but they say it'll work better with this phone. Howard said we don't have very fast internet here in this country. Howard said no one called him. He said he's not sure why it was ringing. He turned it off anyway.
Robin said the new iPhone launches on Friday. Howard said he wants his phone. Robin said she tried to pre-order but she wasn't able to figure it out. Howard said he had someone else do it for him. Jon Hein came in and said that it's suggested to be in stores on the 20th. He said you can't pre-order the 5s. He said you can only pre-order the 5c. Howard said that Sal is going to get one and try the fingerprint reader with his cock. Jon said you can't do the pre-order online. He said it's tricky but he thinks you can do it with a store.
Robin read a story about Miley Cyrus breaking up with her boyfriend. She found him cheating. Howard said if she was his girlfriend he'd just be faithful and hang with her. Howard said he bets she'd be open to having other girls in the bed. Robin said she was dating Liam Hemsworth and he was spotted with some other girls. Robin said Miley was last seen with him on August 8th.
Robin read about the flooding in Colorado and filled Howard in on that. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about Jerry Sandusky who is seeking a new trial. Robin had some details about that.
Robin read about a man who was convicted of having a torture chamber and child porn on his computer. Robin said that he claims he never acted on any of his fantasies. Robin said he's getting 27 years in jail for the child porn.
Robin read about how some parents have driven their kids in a car without their car seat buckled in. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about how dangerous that is.
Robin read about the 17th season of Dancing with the Stars starting up. Robin said Valerie Harper is on the show and she's battling brain cancer. Howard said he wouldn't do that show if he was dying. Robin said she got a standing ovation before and after her dance. Robin had some audio clips for Howard to play from the show. Robin said that Jack Osbourne is on the show too. She had some audio of Jack talking about his MS. Robin said that Snooki is on the show so she had some audio of her talking about her life after having a child.
Robin read about The Gap bringing new commercials and they have Billy Joel's daughter singing in one. Robin said that they have George Harrison's son singing in another.
Robin read about the Jets and how they're having trouble picking a quarterback. Howard said he doesn't even have time to watch a game these days.
Robin read a story about an art gallery that is refusing to take down a defaced photo of President Obama. It was spray painted NWO and the gallery is refusing to take it down. Howard said that sounds like something Hanzi would do. Howard wrapped up and ended the show a short time later. They were done around 10:15am.
Jon ran through some other things that happened on the show today. Jon said that they were talking about Richard's drinking and what the fans were saying in the email. Gary and Jon spent a little time talking about what they were asking Richard to do and how they weren't trying to get him to stop drinking forever. They just wanted him to try it for a month.
Gary said that they were coming across as if they were starting prohibition again. Benjy asked if he has had a drink yet since that conversation. Gary said he doesn't know. Jon said that Sal is getting his cheese ready for the punishment. Gary wasn't aware of that. Jon said that Sal got in the studio and he was in his glory talking about the smegma and all of that. Gary said that he knows what it's like when you over stay your welcome in there. He said Sal was in there too long. He said by the third comment he was wondering why he was still in there.
Richard came in and told the guys that he did have a drink. He said he had a smutty pumpkin drink or something like that. Richard said Sal has to smell himself all week and he only has to smell it for the time that he's in the studio. Jon said that he'd like to know how he's going to have sex with Christine with that going on. Gary said he'd kill to know what his schedule is. Gary said he thinks that Sal will go home and be Sal the Stockbroker and tell her that he needs that vagina juice for his smegma. He said he'll tell her it's for the good of the show.
Richard said he thinks that he'll be sneaky about it and he won't tell her what he's doing. Richard said it would be funny if on of her friends told her that he was growing cock cheese.
Jon brought up the spoon collection discussion they had with JD this morning. That led to the guys talking about how pissed JD got when Richard brought back a spoon for him. Richard said he tossed it right in the garbage when he got it. Gary said he should just embrace it and put them up in his office. Jon said he should just be proud and own it.
JD came in and said that he's not a spoon collector. Jon said Richard spent money on a gift for him and he threw it in the trash. Richard said it was a nice spoon. He said they brought it 3,000 miles. JD said that it's not in the garage. He said it's in his office. Jon said he is collecting them then. JD said he can't win with this fucking shit.
Benjy asked if he felt bad throwing it out. JD said he doesn't collect spoons so he's not sure what Richard expected him to do with it. JD said that he will toss any spoons that people send him. He said he's not the keeper of spoons. Jon said he is keeping them though. JD said he's not keeping them. He has gotten some spoons but he's going to trash them. He said he will not trash Richard's but he will trash the rest.
Gary said he should just embrace it and display them. Richard said that would be the highlight of any tour that came through there. JD said he doesn't need people coming there to see his spoons. Gary said people come to see him and say hello to him because they're fans. He said they appreciate him. He said that they're not walking by and ignoring him. Gary asked if that's what he would prefer. JD said he knows why they're there.
Jon asked JD what he has in his safe at home. JD said he has his baseball cards and some other stuff. He said he might have some coins in there and maybe a coin or two. He said he has other family stuff in there. Jon asked if he has a lock on the safe. JD said that it's not really a safe. He said it's a cabinet that he keeps stuff in. He said there's no lock on it.
Gary said he could get Geraldo to come in and open up the safe like he did with the Al Capone safe. JD told him to stop it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he bought JD a Cincinnati Bengals spoon. JD told him not to send it because it's going to go in the garbage. Richard said he's going to retrieve them all from the cans if he throws them out. JD said there are a lot of trash cans around there. Richard said he'll follow him around.
Jon asked what you do when people throw out their gift. JD said he didn't throw it away. He has it on his desk. Richard said he didn't throw it in the trash but he did toss it away from him.
Gary said that JD is out of his mind whenever they bring up spoons. JD said he's getting tweets like crazy with the spoon thing. JD said he wants them to stop being dicks. He said he's not going to deal with spoons. He said it's not fun or funny.
Benjy asked if he's afraid he'll be inundated with spoons. Richard said there are a lot worse things that they could be sending the show. He said he could be known for collecting used condoms. JD told him to shut up. The guys goofed on him for a little longer and then went to break.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's defending Richard with his not stopping drinking. He said that they're busting his balls for no good reason. He said that it's Richard's favorite time of the year and he isn't going to stop drinking. Jason said that Richard came to them asking to do a stunt. They didn't go to him saying that he was drinking too much. Gary said they found the one thing Richard didn't want to do. It wasn't an intervention. The caller said he understands why he didn't want to do it. He said he's just a regular guy who didn't want to stop drinking. Gary said if you need a drink to have a good time then you have a problem.
Jon said a lot of people are coming to his defense. Jason said the people coming to his defense are alcoholics. He said that he's feeling a disconnect with the audience on this one.
Jon said Mike Tyson came in 33 days sober today. Jason said that's what he says. Jon said that he and Howard seem really comfortable together. Gary said that Mike seems to be one of those guys who is just what you see is what you get. He said he's very comfortable there. Jason said he really is comfortable and you can see it in their body language.
Gary said that he was talking to a guy over the weekend about Tyson and he was getting starry eyed talking about how great he was back in the day. The guys talked about those old fights and how great they were. They were talking about how everyone was interested in those fights.
Jon said the other thing they learned today was that you had better pay Tyson for a meet and greet if you offer to pay him. He told the story about yelling at a woman to pay him and she paid up.
Gary wondered if Mike knows how much he can intimidate someone. Jon said he thinks he does. Jason said he wonders what he collects. They had to take another break after that.
Jon said that Mel B was telling Howard to fuck off a bunch of times. Gary said that some people do that. She was being funny. They also talked about the food in the green room and how they did have food there. Gary said that the FOX News guys get even less. He said they have bagels and maybe some butter or cream cheese there. Gary said they have fruit, muffins and snacks. He said it's not a sit down breakfast.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Mel doesn't really need anything to eat. He said she's packing it on there. She said that Mel was really rattled on the Today show. She said that they tried to get her on the subject of AGT but she kept going back to the show.
Gary said they all thought Mel looked great. He said she has a great ass. He said Richie Wilson walked up to him and said ''Great ass!''
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thought Mel sounded like a complete asshole today. He asked if they have a pre-interview or does Howard just wing it? Gary said the usually do a pre-interview but he's not sure if Will did that with her. Gary said that you don't want to tip your hand too much. Jon said Howard was prepared for the segment today. Steve Brandano said they didn't do a pre-interview with her. He said that the biggest compliment is when they find stuff that they ask ''How did you find that?''
Jon asked if Gary knew that the Spice Girls wrote their own stuff. Gary said she did mention that they had help from another guy. Gary said he doesn't know anything about the band but he thought they were fabricated. Mel was saying that they weren't.
Jon asked how she handled the Eddie Murphy questions. Gary said she did the best she could. He said she obviously didn't want to talk about it. He said she did answer some of the questions though. Gary said Howard has a great move where he says he's bitter for the person if they say they're not bitter.
Jon asked Benjy what he sensed from her. Benjy said he thought she had great energy. He said he's not sure why people get so upset. Steve said she was a good guest even if she didn't answer everything.
Jon said he was going to end the show but they do have a special guest in there. Jon asked Sal what he's going to do to get his wife to have sex. Sal said he'll do extra stuff around the house for her. He said he has to have some kind of bartering chips. He said they're good for about once a month lately. He said he'll take out the garbage and things like that.
Gary said his wife wants him to be a little romantic so he holds the car door open and stuff like that. He said even she says ''Really?'' when he does it.
Sal said he almost cleaned his cock today but he stopped himself. Jon asked Sal about being in the studio for a little too long today. Sal said that he was in the moment and that moment went too long. He said he just stayed too long. He said Howard told him it was enough already. He said you're better off just leaving on your own.
Jon asked Sal if he does any sort of transition with his wife. He wondered if he has to come on to her or does she have to come on to him. Sal said he's usually the initiator. He said he has to feel her out. He said if she's saying she's tired then they don't do anything. He said he thinks every guy does that.
Benjy asked Sal if Christine will get upset if she finds out that he's doing it to make his stink worse. Sal said that she won't care. He said that he won't ask though. He said it may not happen now that he's talked about it. He said all of the Twitter shitbags are going to tell her about it. Jon asked how he gets around that. Sal said he has to stop talking about it. Jon wished Sal luck with his wife. They wrapped up and ended the show around 11:05am.
Meet Gary Dell'Abate - 09/19/1984. 10/06/10. 7:45am
Next up we heard Fred talking about how they had hired Gary to replace Boy Lee when he left the show. Fred talked about how they interviewed Gary and how he had told him to dress better next time he saw him. Gary ended up coming to the interview in a wool suit in the middle of summer. Fred said he later told him he was just goofing around.
They played a clip where Howard was starting the show and introducing Boy Gary who had just replaced Boy Lee. He said that he was doing a good job already and getting some projects done for him. He and Robin talked about Gary's look and how he was kind of ''swarthy'' looking. Howard asked him about his family and what his last name was. Gary said that his last name was and pronounced it ''Della-bait.''
That led to Howard talking about what Gary did and how fast he did it for him. Howard sent some tapes to his agent and he got them over there in about 10 minutes. Howard said he's not sure if he's just an eager beaver or what. Howard said he's going to put him on probation to keep him on his toes. He said Boy Lee would give him an attitude if he asked him to do something for him.
Howard was talking about Gary and the work he was doing there. He was handling all of the stuff he asked him to do no problem. He wondered if he was just trying to impress him or something. He wasn't sure. Howard said that he kind of looked like John Oates from Hall and Oates. Robin said that's exactly who she thought he looked like. Robin told Howard that she heard the odd things that they were saying about Howard during the NBC tour. She said the tour guide said that Howard had been thrown out of Washington DC and it didn't sound very complimentary to her.
Howard asked Gary if he had gotten something done for him and it wasn't done so he figured that Gary was screwing up already. That led to him asking Gary about going to Adelphi and how it wasn't the greatest school around. He found out that Gary got an 1190 on his SAT tests.
Howard talked to Gary about his Italian heritage and asked if he was circumcised. Gary said that he was because it had become a hygiene thing by the time he was born. Howard talked about how he thinks that's a bunch of bull and it's not like people can't shower and clean themselves down there. Howard said he wasn't sure if Fred was clipped or not. He thought that he had told them that he wasn't. Robin said she thought that's the way it was.
HSWLL: Speaker Sex - September 19, 1997. 02/11/13. 8:55am
Next up on Whole Lotta Love they played a segment from 1997 when a woman called in to talk about how much she's into Howard.
In the clip the woman told Howard how much she's into Howard and how she yelled out his name during sex once and that was the end of the relationship. Howard asked how she looks and she described herself as looking really hot.
The caller also told Howard that she tried to get herself off on her home speaker so Howard said he has to try that with her. Howard said he has to get her on the speaker on the floor and try it like they did it in the movie ''Private Parts.''
Howard told the woman to get completely nude and try this with him. He told her to be honest about it too. He wanted her to take the cloth thing off the speaker and get right on the woofer. She said she would do that. She said that she was on it as they were speaking. Howard told her to turn up the speaker really loud and they'll wait for the delay to catch up. Howard put his voice in echo and started humming for her. She had the radio on and she was waiting for the delay to catch up. Howard hummed for a while and said they have a big delay. Howard kept going until they got caught up with the delay.
The caller said she was feeling it but not a lot. Howard told her to turn it up as loud as she could get it. She had it really loud in her room. She said she could feel it but it wasn't strong enough. Howard asked Robin who was stupider, him or the caller. He said he had to go after that. He hung up on her, hummed some more and then went to break.
Goofing On Rosie O'Donnell And Eric The Midget. 9/19/02. 7:55am
Howard also talked a little bit about the Latin Grammys for a short time before taking some phone calls. One of the phone calls he took was from this guy Eric who was defending Kelly Clarkson from ''American Idol'' who Howard said wasn't all that attractive or something like that. Eric, a 3'5'' tall disabled dude, told Howard that he thinks she's pretty hot. Howard spoke to the guy for a couple of minutes and could tell there was something up with the guy. That's when he found out he's only 3'5'' tall. He spent a little while longer talking to him about Kelly and told him he should try to go after someone more realistic because there's not much chance that he'll get a Kelly Clarkson. Howard asked him about who he spanks his monkey to and eventually had to get off the phone because it was too depressing to talk to him.
Howard played some new clips from ''The Onion Radio News'' and a new ''Mr. Skin Minute.'' In the Mr. Skin Minute the guy from MrSkin.com tells us about the latest skin moments in new movies and new DVD releases. He said that Goldie Hahn shows a nip-slip in her new movie with Susan Sarandon. In the new movie ''Secretary'' there's some skin from some chick by the name of Maggie something. Mr. Skin also said that there's some skin shown in the movie ''40 Days and 40 Nights.'' He also said that the ''Janet Jackson Live in Hawaii'' DVD is a must see because she runs nude into a water fall.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was ripped off by some stripper. Howard talked to him about that for a short time and then took a call from High Pitch Erik. Erik wanted to get Jimmy Kimmel's phone number so he can call him about getting on ''Crank Yankers'' the phony phone call/puppet show. Howard said Erik is on to something with the prank calls he's been making lately but he's got to work on them a bit. He said some of the calls he's made are pretty funny. In the latest call Erik calls a hardware store and says that he has a metal ring around his nuts that's making his voice so high pitched. He asks the guy for clippers that can cut it off and demands that he bring it over to his house. The guy starts laughing at him so Erik yells at him in his Mickey Mouse sounding voice. After Howard played the call Erik told him that Sal the Stockbroker is the mastermind behind the calls. Howard said he figured that Erik couldn't come up with something like that himself.
Help Jackie find his Jetty! It's floated off again... 9/19/96.
Jackie lives near the beach out in Bayville Long Island. Howard has talked about Jackie's Jetty before because it's like a big ugly piece of wood that Jackie found floating in the ocean. He uses it as a sun bathing dock. Well it floated away a few years back and it was found. Well due to bad weather out here in the east it's floated off again and Jackie is asking for help finding it. If you see this ugly floating piece of crap out near Bayville please call K-Rock and let the Jokeman know where it's at.
Mammary Lane: Pat Cooper - September 19, 1995. 02/17/12. 8:15am
Next on Mammary Lane they played a segment from 1995 when Howard had Pat Cooper on the phone to accept an F-Emmy award.
In the clip Howard was in the middle of an F-Emmy award show and talking about the next category. He wasn't able to find what he needed though. It was ''Best Pat Cooper Moment.'' Howard listened to some of the moments that were up for an award.
After listening to the clips Howard said he really misses Pat. He said his father does too. Howard opened the envelope and told Robin which one he won for. Howard said Pat was actually on the phone to accept the award.
Howard picked up on Pat and Pat said he has changed his ways. Howard asked what happened. Pat said he was thrilled when he got the call from Gary. Howard said as long as he was mad at him he never bad mouthed him. Pat said he was never mad. He said that there were other things going on and he didn't like those things. He said all he wanted to do was get on and do good radio. He said he wanted to be a friend of the show but Howard didn't want to be his friend. Pat said things that hurt were when Howard thought he had put him down when it was Pat Paulson who put him down.
Robin said she tried to make things right and invited him to Howard's birthday show. Pat said she never called. Gary did though. Robin said that she asked Gary if she should talk to Pat and Gary said no. She was hoping to take care of things the day of the show. Pat said Gary called, not Robin. Robin said she doesn't call any of the guests. She said Gary does that. Pat and Robin went back and forth about that for a short time.
Howard and Pat got into it a little bit too. Howard said they don't know where Pat draws his line. He said they don't know when something was don that might upset him. Howard said he tried calling Pat and Pat would get crazy. Pat said he had a nervous breakdown. Howard asked why. Pat said he wasn't proud of himself.
Howard said the thing that hurt him was when he went on Imus' show. Howard said he never would have had him on if he hadn't been on his show first. Pat said that Imus never called him, he said his agent called Imus and asked if he wanted to have him on. Pat said he can do any show he wants. He didn't bad mouth Howard. Howard said there are only 3 people listening to his show. Pat said he just wanted to go on and do his thing. He doesn't care if it's only 3 people listening.
Pat and Howard went back and forth talking about their issues. Howard said he thinks if you have something good going on you play with it.
Howard asked if they are back together or not. Pat said he's the same guy he was. Howard asked if he wanted to come in tomorrow. Pat didn't say yes or no. He said Gary called and asked him to come on the show and he wanted to come on to accept his award. Pat said the door is open now. Howard said it is open and they can forget about all of this stuff.
Howard asked if they should bring in the guys who accused him of saying stuff about him. Pat didn't sound too happy about that. Howard said he can wait a few days if he wants to wait a few days.
Howard said he was always there for him. Pat said he was there for Howard. Fred asked why he had to insult him. Pat apologized to him. Howard said everyone is afraid of Fred.
Howard congratulated Pat on his win and said if he can't handle coming in he doesn't have to. Pat said he can handle it. He said he will probably come in tomorrow.
Howard tried to set Pat up for the show. He had Gary come in and give a time. Gary said tomorrow they have a free day. Howard said he wants him in at 8:30 so Pat agreed to come in. Howard said that they should bring down the guys that accused him. Howard said he was just kidding though. Howard said it should be great radio tomorrow.
Billy West did his impression of Pat for a minute. Howard said Pat will be there during A+ time. Robin said she never thought they'd see him in there again. Howard said he's glad to see he'll be back.
In the clip Howard said he was working on some material for the show. He said Gary bitches about the kind of money he's making. He said he understands that and he wants to help him make more. Howard said he was complaining about not having benefits the other day. Gary said if he was set to have his own place he wonders how he could pay his medical if he had a medical emergency. Howard told him to use a free clinic. Gary asked what he would do if he dies. Howard told him he won't have to worry if he dies. Howard asked what he really wants. Gary said he might need dental so he can get more of his teeth capped. Howard said he's a mess. Howard said Gary does need better caps. He said that's not covered in the benefits though. Howard said he has rotten teeth too but they're not covered for that.
Howard said Gary doesn't take care of his teeth. He said he doesn't have to brush if he has caps. Robin said he still has to brush. Gary said he still has to clean them. Gary said that they can't tell which of his teeth are capped. Robin said they can. She said they've goofed on them behind his back. Howard said they talk about him behind his back all the time.
Howard said Imus has great caps. He said they look real. Howard said he saw a picture of Imus before he had a good hair cut. He said it looked like his mother and father were brother and sister. Howard said he's a real mess like Gary.
Howard said Al told Gary that there are free clinics. Howard said he doesn't have to go to a good hospital. Howard said he'll just pay for his medical if anything happens. He said he'll take care of it. Gary asked what he'd do if he became paralyzed. Howard said you don't get money for that. Gary said he must get something. Robin said he wouldn't get anything.
Howard said Gary thinks he's going to get paid the rest of his life if he gets paralyzed. Howard said that's not going to happen for him. Gary said they would cover a great deal of his medical bills. Howard said that's what the free clinic is for. Howard said his parents must have a plan for him. Gary said he doesn't fall under their benefits. Howard said he thought he would.
Howard said he lived in a monastery when he first started out in radio. He was only making 96 bucks a week. Howard said Gary is still young and starting out.
Howard said the next station they work at will pay them big benefits. Howard said he has to listen to this discussion every day. Howard said Gary was complaining to Dale about this and he was telling him to ''Make me whole.'' Howard asked what that was about. Gary said he just wanted to feel he was part of the whole station.
Howard told Gary to stop ordering pizza every day. Gary said he only does that on Fridays. Howard and Robin goofed on Gary about how much he wastes on things like cigarettes. Howard said he could save a lot if he stopped smoking.
Howard asked Gary what his real teeth look like. Gary said they're ground down to stubs and then they put the caps on them. He said they're permanent.
Howard said Gary thinks he'll be fine if he has dental. He said that might be the last time he asks about getting benefits.
Howard said he wants caps to straighten out his teeth. Robin said they wouldn't help. Howard said they would to a certain extent. Howard said that Gary's brothers have nice teeth. Gary said one of them has real good teeth but the other had braces and a lot of work done. Howard asked if his were rotting. Gary said he was supposed to have braces but his dentist went to jail for tax evasion. He said it was a couple of years before he went again. Gary said he took Tetracycline when he was an infant and that discolored his teeth. Howard asked why he was taking that. Gary said he doesn't know. He said he was too young to remember.
Howard said if all Gary had was green teeth then he could have used something else. Gary said they were yellow, not green. Howard said he has to stop crying.
Mammary Lane: Danny Glover Interview September 14, 1994. 02/15/11. 9:00am
Next up on Mammary Lane we heard Jon and Gary introducing an interview with Danny Glover that Howard did on September 14, 1994.
In the clip we heard Howard introducing Danny Glover but Gary came in and said that he was in the bathroom and he had been in there a while. Howard talked about some of the stuff that Danny had been in and went through that history with him.
Danny showed up a short time later. Howard talked to Danny about his trip into the city and things like that. Danny told Howard that he was in his hotel freezing because the air conditioning was too cold. He said he didn't want to bother with people so he didn't call them to fix it for him. Howard said he hates traveling and the cold rooms. He said Danny seemed upset. Danny said he was alright.
Howard said Danny has a black wife. He applauded him for that. He said he's one of the few people in Hollywood who does. Howard said that Jean Claude Van Damme has a white wife. Howard said he was just in there the other day talking about that.
Howard talked to Danny about the movies he's been in and went over a bunch of those. Howard talked about being in The Color Purple with Whoopi Goldberg. Howard also talked about working with Mel Gibson in the Lethal Weapon movies and asked if he saw anything weird going on with him. Danny said there was nothing that he saw. Howard asked if he got to go to his house. Danny said he didn't. Howard said that's kind of weird. Danny said he has been to his house but you just go to his house and it's no big deal.
Howard said Danny was there to promote something. He was there to talk about illiteracy in the country and how they're trying to help. Howard said that Fred is one of those guys. Howard said he can read but he's not good at athletics. Howard asked Robin to spell some words. Robin was able to do it. Howard asked Danny how he's going to help with the illiteracy thing. Danny said he in Nashville where he saw an 80 year old man learning to read. He said that guy made it through life even though he couldn't read. Danny said he knows of a contractor who can't even read. He talked to Howard about that guy and said he really cares about this. Danny had minor dyslexia so he had trouble reading himself. He said he had to learn to get around it. He said they thought he was retarded when he was a kid, just like Howard.
Howard said there was one point when Danny was out boycotting grapes and Stuttering John went out and interviewed him. Howard had the audio of that interview where John asked him about the boycott. John asked Danny if he thinks Mike Tyson should be caged. Danny said no to that and told him that was an absurd question. John also asked him if he thinks the Pope is the antichrist. Danny said he was out there talking about boycotting grapes and not about this other stuff. Gary said that was John's first ever interview. Howard goofed on John's stutter for a minute. Fred also did his impression of John for a few seconds.
Howard asked Danny if he's making over a million doing movies. Danny wasn't saying. Howard said he must be getting paid very well.
Howard said Danny seems to be a very serious man. He said that he must be planning to run for office some day. Danny said he's not looking to do that. Howard said he is very serious though and he must have some fancy friends. He said Whoopi is one. He asked if he thinks he'll be invited to her wedding. Danny said he's not sure he'll be around.
Danny told Howard about this illiteracy hotline that people can call. He said that they're looking for teachers and for anyone who wants help. Howard said Robin might have time to help with that. Howard said he has no time himself though.
Howard asked Danny if he can't read, how is he supposed to call. Danny said they'll refer you to a local literacy program in your area.
Howard asked Danny what big stars he's had to his house. He mentioned Alfre Woodard and Howard said he had no idea who that was. Howard wanted some cool names. Danny mentioned Sidney Poitier who is a good friend of his.
Howard asked if he's still having sex a few times a day. Danny said he's happy. Howard said he has to take care of himself every night. He said he's 40 years old and he's willing to admit he still does it. Danny almost said something but he kept his mouth shut.
Howard recapped and went over some of the stuff that they had gone over with Danny. Then Danny mentioned that he likes country music and Howard found that very hard to believe. Danny said that he likes the music but he wasn't able to name a song or an album that he liked. Howard wrapped up with Danny a short time later.
Nicole Bass Arrested. 9/18/00. 9:45am
Howard read an article in the newspaper about frequent guest Nicole Bass getting arrested. The article, which was very confusing, basically said that she was arrested for biting the thumb of a cop. It wasn't very clear as to exactly what happened but it had something to do with someone accidentally bumping in to Nicole's stepdaughter. That led to a scuffle and Nicole ended up biting some cop. She won't return calls from Gary so she wasn't on the air to defend herself. Howard said the picture of her in the paper was very disturbing. The picture was of Nicole walking hand-in-hand with her stepdaughter but Nicole is so masculine looking that it looked like a guy and a girl instead of two women. Howard says he still finds it tough to call her a her.
Read it here: LADY WRESTLER(Nicole Bass) BITES: COP (NY Post)
Uncle Beetlejuice Visits. 9/19/01. 9:10am
Beetlejuice the dwarf came in dressed as Uncle Sam this morning. Howard said he wanted to try and explain all of the stuff that's been going on lately to the small headed Beetlejuice. Beet had a little bit of trouble getting his headphones on this morning. His big Uncle Sam hat was getting in the way. Robin said you had to see the whole get up. She said it was his best look yet.
Howard asked Beet if he knew what he was dressed like today. He thought he was dressed like a clown. Howard told him he was dressed as Uncle Sam and he said ''Yeah, uncle Junior'' from The Sopranos. Obviously Beetlejuice had no clue what was going on. Howard asked him what he thought happened to the World Trade Center buildings. First of all he thought that the buildings were in Jersey. He did know that the ''F-ing Arabs'' made them fall down though. Howard had to hit the delay on him when he cursed. Howard asked him if he knew when they fell and he said ''82 or '86.'' Howard asked Beet if he knows who the President of the country is. Beet said that George Washington is President. At least he got the first name right.
Howard then started asking Beetlejuice who he hates other than the ''F-ing Arabs'' that he'd mentioned earlier. Beet said he hates the Jews and that he thinks they're the ones who actually brought down the towers. Howard then started mentioning groups of people like the Amish, the Eskimos and Antarcticans. Beetle said he hates them all. He hates the Indians, the blacks, the Eskimos, the Antarcticans, the Whites and just about every other group that Howard mentioned to him. He loves women though. It seemed that Howard found one group of people that he likes but then Beet said that he hates ''Jewish broads.''
Howard took a few phone calls for Beetlejuice and got him all wound up. He ended up saying that he was going to kill one of the callers after he called Beet some names. Howard wrapped up the interview saying that Beetle has an action figure coming out by the end of the year. To find out more info on Beetle and everything he's got going on just head over to JollyDwarf.com
Howard and Robin did a short news segment after letting ''Evil Dave'' do some comedy material before ending the show.
In the clip Howard took a call from someone who got him aggravated. Howard said he was wasted from the weekend so he wasn't in a good mood. Howard took another call from a guy who said he's a marketing genius with his book. He said he likes the left and right side faces that they have in the book stores. He said he wasn't sure what side he wanted to buy. Howard said the new paperback is out and people have been commenting. He said that it's a pretty good buy for $6.95. The caller said he ended up buying both of them.
Howard said he originally had the book broken up into 4 covers. He said he went with the two and you can buy either one. Howard said he put in 64 new pages and put a poster in there for a contest. The caller said that you have to send in the original entry blank in with the receipt too. He said you can buy two and send in one entry blank from one book and keep the other. Howard said that the winner gets to be in the movie and won't end up on the cutting room floor.
The caller said he can do Gary's job. He said he does production at a radio station. He said he's a graphic artist too. He said he could do a better job than Gary. Howard said he could probably use the computer unlike Gary.
Howard held up his books and showed the E! cameras. Howard said that he found Gary and his whole job history is working with him. Howard said Gary used to give Roz the traffic reports off the wire at NBC. He said he didn't have a lot of money to pay someone so he hired Gary for the job over there. Gary said Fred did all of the interviewing. Gary said Howard called him in and asked if he could do the job. Gary said he could so Howard hired him. Howard said you never know how someone is going to be. He said he could have spent 2 hours interviewing someone and it could go bad.
Howard wrapped up with the caller and told him to send in a resume. Howard said he is looking to replace Gary.
Gary's Wart Burned Off And Oozing? Ewwww! 09/19/07. 9:40am
After the break we heard one of Sal and Richard's prank calls to a cab company using clips of Howard's mother complaining about not having a car available for her. Fred also played the late Clif Palette singing Bon Jovi's ''It's My Life.'' Howard came back a short time later after Fred played Boston's ''Peace of Mind.'' He asked Gary about the wart he had on his hand. Gary said it's gone now. He has a Band-Aid on it now. Howard said it was driving him crazy because he was caressing it and it was becoming part of his demeanor. He said it was rubbing it and tickling it.
Howard said Gary got it burned off but it's still there. It's now black and still a wart. Gary said that it's not raised up though, it's been burned off. He said that he had it done during vacation and they had to burn the top off and then burn the roots out 2 weeks later. He asked for Howard to give him another week for it to heal. Howard said it's still there. Gary said that's a scab, it's not the wart.
Howard said that it really bothers him and it bothers someone else there. He said that person came up to him and said it was oozing. Gary said it doesn't ooze. He said he won't be mad if someone else brings it up. Jason came in a short time later and said that it was shiny when he saw it and he thought that it was oozing. Gary said that it'll be gone in a week and he knows it's gross. They don't have to tell him that.
Gary said that his toe fungus is finally gone after trying to get rid of it for 3 years. He said that he went to a podiatrist that put some stuff on it and then gave him some pills that didn't work either. He said he waited a year and they put him on some pills and that finally cleared it up. It took 3 years but it's finally gone. He said they told him he may have gotten it from running and staying in his sweaty socks.
Howard said that he showers in some thong shoes that he has just for that. Howard said that he once saw Gary showering in a gym one time and saw him scrubbing his balls. Howard said that Gary is pretty big and he likes to shower and show that junk off down there.
Artie said that he had something else weird to talk about. He said that Richard has been using everything pumpkin every year around this time. He uses pumpkin body wash and drinks pumpkin beer and everything is pumpkin around this time of year. Richard came in and said that he's got the brain of a child and he's into childish stuff. Howard said that he's turning out to be a real asshole. Richard said he just likes this time of year. Howard kicked him out after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that today was great with the interviews he did. He also asked if he's going to let Howard TV cover his vasectomy. Howard said he's not showing anyone his dick. He's not even sure if he's going to get one, he's too scared.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 9:05am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 9:30am.