Howard said they have a big week of radio this week. He didn't say what the big part of it was though. Robin told Howard she went to see a show over the weekend. Howard said he heard that Artie did a comedy show over the weekend and Stuttering John said his eating is out of control. They went out to Columbus, Ohio and went out to eat after the show. They had to find a place to eat because their room service closed at 12:30am. Artie found this place called Steak and Shake which is a drive through. They went there and John said Artie had one double cheese burger, one grilled cheese sandwich, bowl of chili, onion rings, French fries, chocolate shake with whipped cream and a cherry on top. Howard said he's amazed that Artie isn't fatter than he is. Stuttering John said they got back to the hotel and he was hoping that Artie wouldn't finish his chili because he was still hungry. John said Artie used the chili to dip his grilled cheese sandwich. Howard said he could probably eat the same meal as Artie but he'd be huge if he kept eating that amount of food. Robin didn't think he could do it though. Robin said that Artie must ''have a baby'' when he goes to the bathroom from the amount of food he eats. Howard said he starves himself to stay at the weight he's at. Artie added that he placed his order as if he was Jeff the Drunk which Howard thought was pretty funny. Stuttering John said that all of the food came after a night of drinking. He said he had about 8 shots of tequila on stage. He was wasted as well. John said Artie called his girlfriend Dana that night even though John told him not to because he was so drunk. Artie said he called her and they spent like an hour on the phone. He called her back the next day and she told him ''Nice proposal!'' Artie didn't even remember proposing to her.
Stuttering John had a note from the manager of the club out there and they said that the show was out of control. Artie ended up going over his time of 40 minutes and did an extra 30 minutes. Artie said they had no security and people were up on stage giving him drinks and stuff. Artie said he went like an hour and a half at the late show out there.
Howard asked Artie if Dana asked him to stop drinking, would he do it. Artie said he would do that for her because she's more important than his drinking. Howard didn't think he'd be able to do that though.
Robin wondered if Artie is going to end up like Walter Hudson who got so fat he couldn't move around. Howard said he can picture that happening. The guys talked about the comedy shows they did and how Artie ''retires'' after every weekend they go out. They did 5 shows this past weekend and John loves bringing that money in but Artie doesn't want to work that much on the weekends. Howard said that the shows go a little long and he might want to shorten them. Howard said he went to see Sarah Silverman on Saturday night and the show was under an hour and he was out of there. Artie and John said that they only do the hour and a half and that's the typical comedy show time.
The guys also talked about the crowd at this show they were at and how Artie couldn't turn down the offers to do the shots from the audience because they were pretty scary people. A listener called in and told Howard that the place Artie and John ate at, Steak and Shake, is the greasiest food he's ever seen. Artie told Howard that he went jogging over the weekend and after that he had a nice, juicy steak. He also has a Coke with the meal and some Hawaiian Punch which also kills him. Howard said he took Artie to a restaurant in Vegas and they brought out this small portion of food for Artie. He said that they actually had to bring him a second portion because it wasn't enough food for him.
Artie was telling Howard how big his jeans are but John said Artie doesn't even wear jeans, he's been wearing pajama bottoms. Artie turned it around on John and said that John's ass is in your face all the time because his clothes don't fit right. He said that he'll bend over to grab a beer and his ass will be in your face.
The guys got back to the food discussion and how bad that was. Artie said sometimes you wake up the next morning and catch a whiff of your fingers and smell cheeseburgers, cigarettes and everything else that you ate the night before. Artie said one time he was on the phone with his friend the next day after doing that and found a white castle pickle in his underwear. John and Artie also goofed on each other about flying together and working on stage together. Robin told Howard about how John once spit cookie on Artie's face when he went to whisper something into his ear. Artie said that time he had to go into the bathroom and ''boil'' his face to clean off the spit and cookie. Artie said John also borrows money and always owes him stuff. He said he owes him $500 for expenses out in Ohio. Artie said he also paid for the meal at Steak and Shake. He said that John will pull his wallet out sometimes and there just won't be any money in there. Artie also told Howard how John buys Reddi-Whip back stage at these shows so he can do ''Whip-Its.'' He was goofing on John for being 37 years old with a wife and kids at home and he's back stage doing whip-its. They talked about how crazy it is when they go to do these shows. Artie said he looks horrible after doing shows like that and his mother saw how bad he looked after doing the stuff this weekend. He said he has to do that stuff because he didn't go to college. That's his job.
Howard took a couple of phone calls from people who wanted to talk about the shows out in Ohio. One guy was telling Howard about the steaks and fries from Steak and Shake and how they're really not that big. Another guy said Artie was great at the show but ''his buddy'' sucked. After taking those calls Howard had to take a break.
Stuttering John said when they were flying out to Ohio he tried to put the arm rest down between him and Artie but Artie is so big that he couldn't put it down. John also said that his daughter has been sick all week and had been drinking that same orange juice that he drank. He's thinking that she might be sick from the orange juice.
Bobo called in and said that it sounds like Artie and John are both out of control. He brought up the whip-its that John was doing. He said that it's going to give John brain damage. John said it's not that bad and it's not going to give him brain damage and it's not illegal to do it. They kept going back and forth between that and the maggots in John's orange juice. John was saying that he's not one of those people who can eat bugs... Like anyone there can. Artie was still making fun of John about the gagging. He didn't seem to think that John was really that sick over the whole thing. John said if he thought about it long enough, he would puke. By this time both Artie and Fred were goofing on John's gag.
Jessica Hahn called in and said she really did get sick and threw up just hearing about the maggots. Howard spent about 30 seconds talking to her and then took some more calls. Howard said he has to get to a lot of other stuff. Howard said he had a bunch of Gary Garver interviews to get to as well as a bunch of e-mail.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said he ran into Sarah Kozer from ''Joe Millionaire'' and she was upset with some stuff that Howard said about her. He claims that she said she wasn't air brushed for Playboy. Howard said ''Oh please...'' and Robin said that it must be some other woman then. Howard said even ''Joe Millionaire'' himself told Howard that those pictures didn't represent the ''real'' woman. Melrose also said he ran into Daniel Baldwin who bad mouthed Howard. Melrose said he didn't have a tape recorder to get it on tape though. From what they heard, it sounded like Daniel was just goofing around with Melrose though. Melrose also mentioned that tonight the E! show moves to 10pm. Howard spent a minute talking about that with him and how tonight's episode is the Miss Butta Face contest. Howard let Melrose get through all of his stuff before getting off the phone with him. He didn't hang up on him as he usually does.
A guy claiming to be a cop said that John's claims that doing whip-its is legal are untrue. He said using a product in a way that it's not supposed to be used is illegal. He claims that they've arrested people for doing that before and John could be arrested if he's caught doing it.
Howard said they have an evaluation coming up later in the morning. He said that Don Magic Juan didn't show up for it but Yucko the Clown (DamnShow.com) did. They'll have to do it with just Yucko.
Howard said he had a review of the movie from this guy Brantley Barden from ''Premiere'' magazine but wasn't able to find it in his e-mail. Howard also had one from Marshall Fine but he couldn't find that either. He said he'd find them during the commercial break and read them after.
After the break Howard said he was thinking about John's orange juice discussion. He said in all fairness to Tropicana, they don't know what the sanitary conditions of John's house are. He said it really could be just rice or something in the OJ. Howard said he's going to have it analyzed to find out exactly what it is. He said he finally found the Brantley Barden review of ''The Matrix Reloaded.'' Brantley said the movie was so dull in the beginning that he took a nap. He said it was pretty dull over all. Artie added that the action scenes are pretty good but the rest of the movie gets really dull and it's like ''the theater fills with sleeping gas'' during those parts. Robin and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about some of the lame stuff that just seemed to be thrown into the movie for no reason. Artie said that he hopes that the third Matrix, due out in November, is better than this one. Howard said if you sit through the credits, you see a preview for that movie and it looks like more of the same thing. Howard also pointed out how fat Laurence Fishburn got and goofed on that for a short time.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that there was an old guy sleeping through the movie when he went to see the movie. He said he actually saw it twice. Once was with his ''entree'' and the other was with his side dish. Turns out he went with his main squeeze and his girlfriend on the side. Howard spent a minute talking to the guy about that before moving on to other stuff.
Howard brought up Jane Pauley and how she has retired. Howard said that she never did anything with her fame and she seems to be known for her bad hair styles over the years.
Robin asked Howard if he watched the ''Hitler'' mini-series over the weekend. Howard missed it and said he just heard about bits and pieces of it. Robin and Artie saw the show and told Howard about it. Robin said the second part airs on Tuesday. Howard said he's going to take the promos for the show and replace Hitler's name with Les Moonves from CBS.
Howard interrupted the segment to talk to this guy Dr. James Capers who claims to know where Saddam Hussein is.
Dr. James claims that Stephen Speilberg attended one of his events recently. He made a lame joke about how he told Speilberg to ''get a life'' when he met him and didn't give any real info about it. Howard read some other things about him and asked how much he charges to lift a voo doo curse off of someone. He wouldn't say how much it was but Howard said he heard it's $10,000. The guy said he'd even lift the curse before getting paid though so he trusts people to give him the money after the curse has been lifted. He claims that some people have put voo doo curses on him as well.
Howard said that Dr. James knows where Saddam Hussein is hiding. When Howard asked him where he was, he said ''Syria.'' Howard tried to get something more specific but all he would say was ''Southern Syria.'' He didn't have an exact location for the guy. Robin asked him if he's contacted the government about this yet. He said there are a lot of wackos in the government and he's not a fake like those people. Howard told him he had a lot of balls saying that. He gave him a plug for his book and wrapped up the call a short time later. You can order the $150 book ''Methods and Practices of Life Work'' by calling (619) 280-0778
The guy on the phone also claimed that he ran into Jackie the Joke Man a few months ago. He told Howard the story about that and how Jackie claimed that he still e-mails Howard sometimes. The guy said he felt bad for Jackie but Howard didn't understand that because Jackie was the one who walked off the show. The guy agreed but said that he still felt sorry for him. Howard said he always liked Jackie and it's too bad he screwed everything up.
Howard had more Gary Garver interviews to get to. He said Gary got an interview with actor Chad Everett. Here are some of the questions he asked:
Howard said he read an article about Lenny Bruce and how there are some comedians out there trying to clear Lenny's name because he's got a conviction against him that shouldn't still be there. Howard said the guy used to get busted for using dirty words on stage and stuff and would be arrested for that. Howard said he thinks that the hassling was what ended his life. Howard said the harassment that Lenny got is similar to what he gets with his radio show. The government goes after him for ridiculous stuff just like they did to Lenny Bruce on stage.
Howard had tape of this guy Mike Fleiss on Bob Costas' show. Howard is suing Mike Fleiss over the TV show ''Are You Hot?'' In the tape Fleiss talks about how he came up with the idea for the show and how proud he was after putting it on the air. Howard said they came up with the idea for the show and they'll be doing it today when a woman comes in to be evaluated by them and Yucko the Clown. Howard talked about what a traitor Scott Einziger was to him as well. Howard wondered when he's going to get the phone call from Einziger admitting that he stole ideas from the show. He said he actually ripped up pictures of Scott that he found over the weekend because he's so disgusted by what the guy did.
Howard mentioned some of the guests they have coming up on the show soon. They have Mark Wahlberg coming in tomorrow. Frenchie from ''American Idol'' will also be on soon. Wendy the Retard is supposed to be coming in and she was supposed to be on the phone so Howard could talk to her. She'd apparently fallen asleep on the phone and was snoring when Howard tried to talk to her. Howard and Artie tried to wake her up but it wasn't working. She eventually woke up and responded to some of the stuff Artie was yelling out. Howard and Robin talked to Wendy about her trip up to New York. She's driving up with someone instead of flying or taking the train from Florida. She was describing her breakfast and how she had ''Cocoa Puffs.'' Artie was goofing on her saying she had catsup with them and she said ''How did you know?'' It sounded like she was serious too. The guys were also wondering if they should hook Wendy up on a date with Gary the Retard. Artie said they have the same last name (The Retard) and wondered if they're related. Wendy asked if Gary the Retard knows how to bowl. She wants to go bowling with Gary and Beetlejuice for some reason. Howard said they should do a dating game with her. She interrupted him to sing some Karaoke songs for Howard. She forgot to put the phone up to her mouth so no one could hear her singing. She tried again after screwing it up the first time though. Howard wrapped up the call with Wendy and said they'd set her up on a date when she does come in. She asked him to not wear his glasses that day so she can check out his eyes. Howard asked Wendy who she thinks she looks like so he'd know what she looks like when she comes in. She said that she looks just like Britney Spears. Artie yelled out ''Yeah, if Britney Spears was a retard!'' Gary brought in a picture of her a short time later and Howard said she looks more like Roseanne than Britney Spears. He ended the call a short time later and went to break.
Howard said they have this intern there on the show who TiVo's stuff all weekend. They had a clip of Martin Short doing his Jimminy Glick character while interviewing Steven Speilberg and it was horrible. Howard played the clips he had and pointed out how lame the show is. Howard said he likes Martin Short but doesn't understand this character and how he's able to keep doing the show on Comedy Central. Howard also brought up the Katie Couric and Jay Leno switching shows thing that they did on NBC last week. Howard said he finally got to see it and just how lame Katie was on The Tonight Show. Howard said Matt Lauer also traded places with a cab driver. Howard played a clip of that lame bit and goofed on that for a short time.
Howard said women constantly contact them to evaluate them for Playboy so they have them in once in a while to do their ''Evaluators'' thing. Howard brought in Ronnie the Limo Driver and Stuttering John to evaluate the chicks too. Yucko said he had a problem with Stuttering John because he didn't get paid to do his comedy show out in Vegas. John said someone asked him to do a favor for Yucko and put him on. John said that he was told that Yucko was willing to do it for free so that's why he put him on the show. Yucko and John went at it for a minute. Yucko told John he should do another show for ABC and do a remake of ''I Love Lucy'' because he could play ''Spicky Retardo.'' Gary came in a minute later and said that John has banned Yucko from his shows from now on because of that. He thought that was pretty funny.
Howard brought in this woman Alana who wanted to be evaluated. He asked her where she was from and found out she's Romanian. She was very nervous. Howard asked her a few questions about where she's working and what she's doing. She claims that she's been doing some modeling for Elite and for John Casablancas in Seattle, Washington. She said she did some modeling for some ''candies'' so the guys tried to figure out what that means. Yucko asked her ''Do you want some candy little girl?'' as she was talking about that.
Howard read that Oana wants to get a tummy tuck for some reason but they weren't able to get much of an answer from her. She's never modeled nude. She said that she has implants as well. Artie said Yucko was trying to figure out some racial slurs for a Romanian but wasn't having any luck coming up with anything. Yucko ended up asking her how far from Chernobyl Romania was. He ended up calling her a ''mutant.''
Howard had Oana take off her top and checked her out. He then saw why she needs a tummy tuck. She's had a kid and her stomach was a mess. Howard said kids just wreck your body. Gary said that it looks like she was burned in a fire. Howard said everything else was good on her though. Yucko said her stomach looked like ''A stretched out scrotum.'' Oana said that the kids were pretty big and stretched out her skin more than she expected.
Gary said he'd probably give her a 9 if the stomach was good. He said he can't even give her a score for Playboy with the stomach like that. Ronnie the Limo Driver said he didn't like her implants. He said they were spread apart too far. He also said her teeth were bad on the upper front. She had a bit of an overbite according to Ronnie. Yucko added that she might need a nose job, it looked like a bird. He said ''Where are you from, Croatia?'' and then made some ''crow'' cawing sounds. Howard gave her some advice and said she had a nice ass and nice boobs but the stomach was a mess. Ronnie said her face wasn't bad and Playboy might use her. It's just the stomach that's a mess. Oana said she needs about $6000 to fix her stomach. Howard said it's a shame that she can't get that done because she'd be worth getting fixed up. Howard and the guys had her bend over so they could check out her ass. She did that and they found it to be pretty hot. Yucko said he thought that her stomach touched her toes when she bent over like that. Howard ended up giving her $500 courtesy of iWon.com. He also told her that they'd have her back in the future to play in a game so she can have another chance to win some money. They don't have anything to give her at this time. Yucko continued to goof on her ''wet paper bag looking stomach.'' She didn't take off her pants during the evaluation but she did pull them down a bit so they could check out her ass. Gary said she looks good below, it's just the stomach that's bad. Yucko threw in a few more rude comments with Oana didn't seem to like. She told Yucko he was a rude man. He asked her if it's true they use rocks as toilet paper over in Romania. She said ''No, they use you.''
Howard told Gary to put Oana on the short list to get her into a contest as soon as possible. They have limited time to get her ''fixed'' so they have to get her into a contest soon.
Howard gave Yucko a couple of plugs. He has the new DVD out, DamnShow.com, and he's doing some comedy shows at Stand Up NY in New York City (Phone: (212) 595-0850) tomorrow night and at McGuires Comedy Club (Phone: (631) 467-5413) in Bohemia, NY on Thursday night.
When Howard came back from break he asked Robin if she's ever said to a man ''I'm not going to shower today because I want to wear you (r scent) on me.'' Howard said that's really hot. Robin said she's never done that but has had it happen to her before.
Howard said they have Mark Wahlberg coming in tomorrow to plug the movie ''The Italian Job.'' Artie said he had to thank them because they sent over a promotional pizza with ''The Italian Job'' on the cover of the box. Howard said they also have Jim Carrey coming in later in the week to promote ''Bruce Almighty.''
Howard said Gary liked this movie ''The Real Cancun'' but he watched the hour and a half long movie in about 40 minutes because he fast forwarded through it. Howard said Gary also liked this movie that was all about Mullets that was kind of funny. Howard said he thought it was pretty good but he could fix it and make it even better.
Howard played a clip of Snoop Dogg covering a Metallica song. He said he didn't think Snoop put a second of thought into it. He listened to some of that and said it's just not Snoop's thing. Howard also had tape of a psychic on Larry King Live talking about how they're not allowed to do things to benefit themselves. Howard goofed on the psychic (Sylvia Brown) and Larry for a couple of minutes. The female psychic had a very husky voice that the guys picked up on and made fun of. Howard said he could listen to the full hour of Larry interviewing that psychic because it was so fascinating. He and the guys were doing their impressions of the psychic who had a very husky voice.
Howard took a couple of phone calls before getting to Robin's news. One woman, Lisa, called in to tell Howard she has a crush on him. She's only 19 years old though. Howard said he can't go for women that young though. He's got a daughter that age. Howard asked her if she looks as good as Charlize Theron. She said she can't say that. Howard told her to just come in and tell him that she's 25 years old instead. She said she'd even go as far as saying that she's 26. She said that some guys have told her that she's a 9, one guy said she's an 11 and one guy told her that she's a 7 3/4. She doesn't understand that one so Howard told her to just come down and they'd evaluate her.
A listener called in and said that there's another comedy show (Zupkos in Dunellen, NJ June 7th) using Howard's name to promote KC's appearance. It says ''As heard on the Howard Stern Show'' and has Reverend Bob Levy, Jim Florentine and KC Armstrong at the bottom. Howard said he's going to have to take care of that stuff off the air.
A caller told Howard that he's upset that he's having Jim Carrey on the show this week. He figured that Jim has dissed Howard over the years and now he's coming in because the past few movies haven't been that great. Howard said Jim has been in and there's no reason not to have him in because he's a big star.
Howard said he went over to comfort that chick Oana who was in earlier and she ended up saying ''Eww, what's wrong with you?'' because he was wearing big boots. She said it's warm out and he shouldn't be wearing boots. Howard ended up saying that he doesn't think he could take that accent for very long. He said she's like Ivana Trump and it would get on his nerves after a while. Howard sounded very irritated and changed subjects and had Robin start her news right after talking about that.
Howard started off the morning talking about how exhausted he was. He said he was up around 2 in the morning because his arm had fallen asleep. He was told by his girlfriend that he was screaming as he woke up. He said he didn't remember that happening but that's what she told him. Howard said it was like his own personal Vietnam. He joked that he now knows what it's like to go through some adversity.
The new time for the E! show started last night so Howard mentioned that quickly. He also mentioned that Mark Wahlberg would be coming in later in the morning. He talked about how much women love that guy. Howard took a break early so he could move on to everything else quicker.
After the break Howard was talking about Ivan Reitman and how he hasn't spoken to him in years. Howard said it's like no one wants to pick up the phone and call the other person. Robin suggested that he pick up the phone and call Ivan and call him. Howard said that's too much work. He said they used to get together out in Los Angeles when he'd go out there but now he doesn't go out there that much. Howard said he doesn't fly out there too much and when he does, he doesn't have time to do anything else other than meetings. Howard figures that Ivan doesn't bother visiting him when he's in New York because he's not as hot as an Adam Sandler.
Howard complained about Artie's drinking of juice there in the studio. He said he brings in a whole meal to eat in the morning and he eats it while they're on the air. He said that his mother still makes him meals and stuff that he can bring to work. Howard said he doesn't have anything like that going on in his life. He said his family doesn't even get along that well and they all seem to dislike being around people. He talked about how his parents don't really have any friends and when he brings that up, his mother denies that it's true. Howard said his mother said they had friends years ago and they did that already. Howard said that's the reason he has to go to a psychiatrist. He said he tries to figure out how to get along with other people. Robin wondered if Howard ever sees people he really likes. Howard said he doesn't really do that. Even with Robin. He joked that he doesn't have any feeling for people like Fred. He said he doesn't want to spend a whole night with people like that. He said he enjoys a night out with his friends Ross, Ralph or Richie, but that's about it. He doesn't have many friends other than that. Artie said he knows of people who are able to be friends with people and then end up at friend's weddings after only knowing them for a month. Howard said he was invited to Mary McCormack's wedding. He decided not to go to her wedding because it was over in England. He said he had to tell her that it was just a bad idea to hold a wedding over in England. He told her that if it was in New York, he'd go. England was too far. He said he knows he's kind of wacky but he was very honest with her. He said she was kind of offended by what he told her. Howard said he's going to send her a wedding gift since he was invited though. He said he doesn't know what to get her so he'll probably just send her money.
Howard said he's scared to go to London. He said he's even scared to live in Manhattan but that's where he lives.
Howard said he got this invitation from his college, Boston University, for a 50th anniversary of the School of General Studies, which he described as the retard school he went to for a couple of years. He said that's where he went before going to the broadcasting part of the school. He said it used to be called the School of Basic Studies and any chick who knew about that would tell you to get lost. Howard said he eventually went to the school of communications and graduated. Artie said he went to a college where they gave you a locker just like in high school. That was at Union County College. Howard thought that was pretty funny.
Howard said the radio classes he took were lame because they didn't have people teaching you very much. They pretty much let him just mess around on the air.
Howard said the camp he used to attend during the summer is also having a reunion. He said he liked the people there and contacted some of them but there's one who never got back to him and that's the person he can't get out of his mind. He said the reunion is in upstate New York so he doesn't think he wants to go to that. He wondered why they don't hold it down in Manhattan or even in Atlantic City. He said he's dying to play Craps again. He said a bunch of people from the station want to go play. Howard and Artie are planning on going down there sometime this summer. Artie said he'd put that together but Howard said he won't do that. Artie said he's probably right. Howard ended up goofing on Artie about what he wore out in Las Vegas. He was wearing ''farmer jeans'' and ate too fast when they went out to eat. Howard spent a few seconds goofing on Artie about that and then got back to his camp reunion. Howard said he had good times in that camp but he doesn't think he wants to see all the hot chicks from camp as 50 year old women.
Howard said he saw Robin in some tights yesterday and she looked great now that she's lost some weight. Howard said she looks great for a 51 year old. He wondered if she has to dye her hair. She said she has a few gray hairs but doesn't have to dye it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he noticed how big Clay's feet are on ''American Idol.'' Howard said he didn't notice that but that doesn't surprise him because the guy is a mess. Another caller said that the first hour of the show yesterday was great where Artie and John were talking about their trip to Ohio. Howard said he loved when John was talking about Artie's eating out there. Robin thinks it's funny how Artie tries to be someone else when he's around his girlfriend and how she's trying to change him. Howard said she wants someone else but Artie isn't going to change. Shuli called in and said that he saw the drinking show on E! last night and it was great. He said he thinks it's funny when Artie drinks because he acts so strangely. He was leering at the strippers there out in Vegas and it was great. An annoying woman called in and tried to tell Howard how great she thinks he is but Howard hung up on her because she was so annoying. One caller complained about the way Gary was drinking Sake out of a little bamboo cup and how gay that was. The guy said that Artie is a real drinking man. The guy also mentioned how they never got to the Miss Butta Face contest last night. Howard apologized for saying that it was on last night. It's actually not on until Wednesday and Thursday night. Robin Radzinski came in and told Howard about that. She said they have ''Blackjack for a Rack'' on tonight's show. She also said they have Howard and Artie mumbling stuff to their girlfriends while they're drunk which should be pretty funny. Howard suggested skipping that show and just watch the show tomorrow night instead.
Howard said he's got some stories to read about the directors of ''The Matrix'' movies. He was going to take a break but took a call from a guy who brought up the fact that Beth is going to be on some news program tonight. Howard said she did some red carpet interviews for some show and she will be doing that tonight. The caller Howard had asked for his autograph so Howard went off on that for a short time. He wondered who would ask for an autograph other than a 7 year old kid. Artie said he'd get autographs from baseball players. Howard said he'd never do that because he never had a good experience at a baseball game. He quickly talked about how horrible it was to go somewhere like that with his father when he was a kid. He said even going to work with his father was embarrassing. Fred started to play some sad music in the background as Howard talked about that. Howard told Fred to turn that off and took a break right after that.
Howard also has a press conference Dirt McGirt (Ol' Dirty Bastard) did. Howard played some of that and goofed on that for a few minutes. Howard said Dirt was on the show recently and didn't really give him a good interview. He said he loves the guy but his interview was kind of lame. He was much better at this press conference. Dirt kept saying ''Ya know what I'm sayin'?'' and Howard thought that was very considerate of him. He said he's concerned that everyone else knows what he's talking about. Howard and the guys started counting the number of times he said ''Ya know what I'm sayin'?'' Fred would play a bell every time he said it. He also mentioned Mariah Carey's name a bunch of times during the press conference. Fred's bell playing made it sound like it was a fight with 10 second rounds. There were times when Dirt didn't go more than 2 seconds without saying ''Ya know what I'm sayin'?'' Howard and the guys would laugh each time they heard the bell. Howard asked Robin if she wanted to hear more after 5 minutes or so. She said she could listen to him all day long so Howard kept it going. Howard said this ODB is the ODB he wanted in the studio. He didn't get that one though, he got the laid back, mellow Dirt McGirt. Howard gave up on the press conference after about 10 minutes. He said they hope to hear from him again sometime soon.
Howard said he watched ''American Idol'' last night and got to know more about the final two contestants, Ruben and Clay. He said there's a full 5 hours of ''American Idol'' on this week and it's just too much for him. He said they have Frenchie from the show dropping by tomorrow. He brought up Mark Wahlberg and how he'll be on the show today. He said that guy gets tons of chicks but whenever he runs into him, he's with all guys.
Howard brought up the ''Hitler'' TV special that's airing on CBS and how they can't get any advertisers for the show. He said that they've stayed away from that. He also quickly mentioned that the final ''Buffy'' is on tonight and the season finale of ''Smallville'' is also on. Howard mentioned a bunch of other things that are on tonight and figured Artie would be watching NBA games. Artie said he'll be watching the Yankees all week long though. They spent a couple of minutes talking about David Wells and how great he's doing so far this season. Artie pointed out that the guy is 40 years old and doing great.
Howard had some e-mail to read. He said he had two days worth to read. He said a lot of people loved the John and Artie stories they told yesterday. John talked about Artie eating like a pit out in Ohio and also talked about almost drinking maggots from a glass off orange juice himself. Howard said one guy didn't like that discussion. Some other people wrote in about the ''maggots'' and how they probably weren't maggots but fruit fly larvae or something like that. Some people wrote in and said that Artie probably doesn't have long to live eating the way he eats and drinks. There were other e-mails about Ronnie the Limo Driver and how old he is. Someone pointed out that he's supposed to be security for Howard but he's getting too old to be doing that.
There were e-mails about Howard's review of ''The Matrix Reloaded'' and how bad it was. Some people wrote in and agreed with him and there were some who wrote in and thought he was wrong and the movie was great. Howard said a bunch of geeks wrote in and explained some of the stuff he didn't get in the movie. He said it was ridiculous how many people wrote in and complained about his review. One guy wrote in and said he and his wife love the Goldust sound effects they play all the time. He wrote that he and his wife do them at home all the time.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who claims to have run into Tara Reid at some event he was at. Howard said she sure gets out to a lot of stuff. The guy claims that he didn't even recognize her at first and she ended up getting upset when he asked her if she worked at Rolling Stone magazine because she was wearing one of their t-shirts. The caller also told Howard that he thinks that he's funnier when he's miserable. Howard said that might be true. The caller also claims that a friend of his did Mark Wahlberg. He said she did Mark just once and never heard from him again. Howard moved on to talk about the FHM magazine top 100 hot chicks and his girlfriend is like number 46. Halle Berry is at the top of the list. The caller asked when Beth is going to do another calendar. Howard said she shot some photos for a new one but the photographer said there was a problem with the film and it had bubbles all over it or something like that. Howard said she decided not to reshoot them after hearing that.
Howard went through the list of FHM hot chicks and mentioned where some of these hot chicks placed on the list. Howard said Pam Anderson was number 7 and Carmen Electra was number 3. There were a bunch of others he mentioned as well. He said the press release didn't have all of the women in it though so he wasn't sure of the exact order. Artie thought Halle Berry deserved the number one spot but Howard doesn't seem to think she's all that hot. He had to take a break after talking about that for a couple of minutes.
Howard took this time to read a wacky story from a news report about how this young kid was carrying around the fetus of a young brother he had in his belly. Howard read that article to Robin who found it pretty interesting. They were supposed to have been Siamese twins but something went wrong and it grew inside. It was actually a real article according to Howard. It wasn't one of those tabloid stories. Robin told Howard about a couple who knew they were going to have conjoined twins and went ahead with the pregnancy. She said the kids were born and ended up dying shortly after they were born.
Howard had clips from ''The Bachelor'' which he hasn't been watching this season. He said the woman who lost in the final round ended up crying like a baby so Howard played some audio clips from that. Howard said he can understand digging a guy but this was ridiculous. Howard said he couldn't even understand what she as talking about but Gary and Robin understood it. At first she was upset and then she got angry with the guy who rejected her. Howard said he's getting really tired of these reality TV shows now and the only one he still enjoys is ''Survivor.'' Howard said he doesn't watch ''Fear Factor'' anymore and it's obvious they're not going to be killing people. Artie joked that he heard they are actually going to start killing people on that show though.
Howard said there was a picture of Rudy Giuliani in the paper kissing his new bride. Howard and Robin talked about that for a few seconds. Howard then moved on to talk about Billy Joel and how he's denying being a drunk. Robin talked about that and how Joel claims he's not an alcoholic, he's an ''alcohol abuser.''
Howard saw an article about Brad Pitt going to a plastic surgeon and how strange it is that people follow that kind of news. Howard said when a celebrity goes to a doctor he has a problem with people taking pictures of them going to appointments. Howard said he finds it cruel and that's where he draws the line.
Howard brought up how they had pictures of Brooke Sheilds in the paper with her baby. He didn't think that was cool either. Howard read another article about some guy suing the makers of ''The Matrix'' because he was supposed to be in ''The Matrix Reloaded.'' The guy claims that he had an oral and a written contract that he was going to appear in the movie. Howard and the guys ended up talking about how lame the movie was anyway. Howard said the ''X-Men'' movie was a much better sequel than ''The Matrix Reloaded'' was. Robin mentioned that she tried to watch another episode of the latest ''Star Trek'' series and she just can't get through it. Howard said he's not watching anymore either because this one chick got married in real life and that ruined it for him.
Howard said Mark Wahlberg finally showed up and would probably be there for two minutes. It was 8:15 by now so Howard had the guys rush him in so he could interview him. Mark came in a short time later and Howard asked him why he was late. Mark said he was supposed to be there for an 8:30 interview. Howard and Gary thought it was a 7:30 interview though. Mark interrupted them and told Artie his basketball game with the chick out in Vegas was great. They spent a couple of minutes talking about how good Artie did against that chick. Artie bragged about the chick pulling down his pants and how he still made his shot.
Howard said Mark's arms look bigger than ever. He said his girlfriend pointed out how ripped he looked when they saw him out at Nobu the other night. Mark said before he signed on to do ''The Italian Job'' he was 40 pounds overweight. Then he met the producer of the film and he made him lose some weight. Howard said Mark has really screwed up his life since the last time he saw him. He banged some chick and knocked her up according to Howard. Howard mentioned that she's this model Rhea Durham. Howard wondered if he asked her to have an abortion and if she refused. Mark claims that they wanted to have a baby together though so they'd keep it no matter what. Mark told Howard that he's 31 years old now and it's time to settle down. Howard also heard that she's pissed at Mark because he won't marry her. Mark said that's not true though. Howard said he knows people and has read that she is upset with him about that. Mark still denied it.
Howard asked Mark about where he met this model and how that all worked out. Howard wondered if she was worried about him cheating on her because he's ''porked'' so many chicks in the past. Howard said he's seen Mark in action and has chicks feeling his stomach to see how muscular he is. Mark told Howard he's started a new party and he has this woman Rhea living with him and he's not banging other chicks now. He said he's decided to settle down with this chick and he will marry her. Howard said he's got to invite him to his wedding. Mark said it's not going to be one of those star studded weddings though.
Howard talked about how even his daughter is in love with Mark. He said he was going to introduce her to him and she got all ''goofy.'' Howard said he's never had women get goofy for him.
There were some women at the station who wanted to meet Mark so Howard was going to let them come in. One woman called in and said that Mark deserves everything he gets and if things don't work out with Rhea, he can call her. Mark and Howard talked about losing weight and working out for a few seconds. Howard also asked Mark if he's getting all political with the war in Iraq and stuff like that. Mark said he doesn't get into that stuff. He said ''Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one...'' and didn't say what his views on the war were.
Howard asked Mark why his co-star Charlize Theron won't do his show. Howard said he thinks she's really hot and wondered why she won't come on. He also wondered if Mark banged her. Mark wasn't talking about any of the chicks he's banged in the past. He said he'd talk to Howard about that stuff off the air. Howard kept trying to get Mark to admit that he banged Charlize Theron and Heather Graham but Mark swore to God that he didn't bang them. Howard then mentioned the name Sofia Vergara and Mark avoided swearing on that one. Howard told Mark that 31 years old isn't the age for him to settle down because he's still got time to bang chicks. Howard said he shouldn't settle down until he's like 51. Mark said he doesn't miss getting some ''strange'' on the side but Howard thinks that will happen eventually.
Howard heard that Mark banged Reese Witherspoon. Mark told Howard they had a relationship for a while. Howard said he thinks she's kind of cute. Howard talked about the days when he was unable to get laid and stuff like that.
Howard got back to Charlize Theron since she co-stars with Mark in ''The Italian Job.'' Howard told Mark to just drag her in the next time he's on. Mark said he had to ask her to do a lot of other stuff for the movie and he didn't want to make her do that show.
Howard said Fred was wondering if Mark ever had a teacher come on to him when he was in school. Mark said he didn't really have any good looking teachers when he was in school. He did, however, get caught with a mirror he put on his shoe one time so he could look up dresses. Howard also asked him if he ever banged a Nun. Artie asked him if he ever had a Priest. Howard said anyone can get a Priest. They mentioned Colin Quinn's Priest story and how he actually kind of enjoyed it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Mark about Eminem and how he seems to be ripping him off or emulating him in some way. Mark doesn't think that's the case though.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said he heard from someone on the set of ''Planet of the Apes'' that Helena Bonham Carter first banged a camera man then banged Mark and eventually banged director Tim Burton. Mark said he wouldn't talk about stuff like that on the air even if it did happen.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Mark about ''The Italian Job.'' Mark said the movie is kind of a remake of the original but the story is a bit different. Mark said the movie is PG-13 so there's no nudity but Charlize Theron is in bra and panties. Howard had to wrap up the segment but Artie had to tell Mark about how great the movie promotion is. He said they sent him a pizza with the movie poster on the cover of the pizza box. Robin and Howard said he hasn't stopped talking about how great that is since he got the pizza. Howard spent a couple more minutes with Mark asking about what the name of the baby will be and stuff like that. Mark said if it's a boy, he gets to name it, if it's a girl, Rhea gets to name her.
Howard took a couple of phone calls before letting Mark go. One guy said he knew a chick that Mark couldn't get in school. Another guy said he heard that Mark has ''ass stubble'' because his ass is so hairy. Howard wrapped up the interview shortly after that.
A listener called in and brought up how shaky Howard seemed out in Vegas when he was playing ''Stump the Booey.'' Howard said he had no idea what they were talking about. Robin Radzinski came in and said she didn't see anything unusual. Artie said his mother said you could see Howard's legs under the table but that was about it. Howard read a bunch of e-mail about the shaking and Robin Radzinski said she'd watch it again to see what they're talking about. Some people think he has Parkinsons or something like that. A listener called in and said he was shaking a lot. Howard said he knows he does a lot of strange movements and stuff. One caller told Howard his leg was just bouncing a bit and that was making his body move a bit. A couple other people told him the same thing and he's more upset that the E! guys let that get on TV. He doesn't like when they show him doing weird stuff on camera. Dominic Barbara called in and said he was actually concerned for Howard after seeing him shake so much in that one show. Howard said he's going to watch it to see just how bad it looked.
Howard said later this week they have Wendy the Retard coming in later this week as well as Jon Hein from JumpTheShark.com, Jim Carrey and the stars of ''Midgets Gone Wild'' coming soon.
One caller mentioned seeing Michael J. Fox doing an interview and how he was shaking from his Parkinson's disease. Howard said he feels really bad for Fox who is really suffering from the disease. They also talked about Muhammad Ali and how much he suffers from the same thing. More people called in and talked about Howard's shaking and how he shouldn't worry about it. One guy claims that the shaking is a true sign of genius. Another guy said that he was probably shaking because he had people like Tom Chiusano and Scott the Engineer surrounding him out there. Howard said that's probably the case. One listener called in and told Howard that he's out in L.A. and the E! show didn't air at 10pm like Howard said it was supposed to. Robin said she doesn't believe that. They asked him if he forgot to set his clock ahead or something. The guy said he didn't forget though. Howard ended up bailing out of the call a short time later and took a break before getting to Robin's news.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered what the word ''Blogging'' (Web Logging) meant. Howard explained that it's when someone writes about their own life and puts it on the web. He said he's checked out some of that stuff but most of the stuff is boring. He mentioned a couple of the sites he's been on and how bad they are.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that he was hanging out in Jason Priestley's apartment and he has a race car simulator that makes it feel like you're really in the car. Howard said Dominic Barbara has a motorcycle simulator in his basement that's pretty cool. Howard ended up talking about how Chaunce has been hanging out with Jason's sister and gets to go over to his apartment. Chaunce said that Jason was actually going to sue him over an article he wrote because he didn't think that he actually interviewed her. Meanwhile, he's hanging out with her and spending time in Jason's apartment. Howard wonders if Chaunce puts on Jason's clothes and stuff like that while he's hanging out up in his apartment. Gary wondered if Chaunce has ever pleasured himself in his apartment. Howard wanted him to call back and talk about that stuff. He moved on to the news a short time later.
Howard started off talking about ''American Idol'' and said he knows that it's gay to talk about it. He said he feels that Clay is going to win because people want to see the ''nerdy, faggy guy'' win because people like that make up most of the country. Howard made sure to say that they don't know that Clay is gay, they just use that word to describe him. Howard said Clay has that Broadway play kind of vibe when he sings. Gary brought up Paula Abdul's weird comments during the show so Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Howard said he was going to vote for someone during the show but never got around to it. He said Ryan Seacrest said that everyone's vote counts so he was going to do it. He also mentioned the gay shirt that Ryan was wearing on the show last night. The guys also talked about how fat Ruben has gotten. Howard said he used to be a football player when he was in high school so he must have gotten laid back then. They were wondering if a fat guy like that can get laid. Gary also asked Howard what Howard thought of the Paul Anka finale during the show. Howard said he doesn't think anyone who watches that show even knows who Paul Anka is. Howard ended up telling a story about how Paul Anka came up to him while he was gambling down in Atlantic City one time. He said he didn't know the guy and didn't want to socialize with anyone but he ended up playing along with Howard for a short time. He ended up blowing a huge amount of money and walked away after saying the table sucked. Howard said it was a good thing Simon didn't judge Paul Anka on ''American Idol.''
Howard took a call from King of all Blacks who saw Howard's girlfriend on FOX news last night doing a report for the local station. He said she looked good and had this ''little girl'' vibe about her. Howard explained how Beth got this job and how she had to put together this little interview piece for them. Howard said she told them that she didn't want to make the whole thing about Howard. Howard said FOX is just so sleazy that they made it all about Howard anyway. They wouldn't say that it was Howard's girlfriend exactly but they did get around that and made it clear that she is Howard's girl. Howard talked about what snakes they are and how they make deals with people and break them. Howard said it was a good opportunity for her so he's glad she did it. King of all Blacks told Howard that she has ''nice hands'' that look supple to him. He also talked about some of the interviews she did. King said that one woman got very upset about questions she was asking which seemed weird. Gary came in and said it was Portia De Rossi that gave her the weird look when she asked her if she'd appear in a men's magazine.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one woman brought up ''American Idol'' and how they seem to be dragging it out way too long. She also mentioned how they're going to have an ''American Idol Junior'' show on. Howard said he doesn't want to see that and it's a bad idea. He said he's getting really tired of reality TV shows these days. Robin said she hopes that ''American Idol'' dies because she's getting tired of it all too.
A phone caller told Howard that he should give Beth a ring to keep Beth around. He said he thinks that Howard can't do any better than that and he'd hate to see him lose her. Howard said he doesn't believe in marriage anymore so he's not going to get married. The caller suggested that he have a fake wedding just as a way to keep her around. Howard didn't seem to agree with the guy and said he's not going to do that.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one guy had tape of Beth interviewing Portia De Rossi. She was very snippy and said that she's an actress and doesn't do things like that when Beth asked her if she'd pose for a men's magazine in a bikini or something like that.
Howard said they have Frenchie from ''American Idol'' coming in today to sing for them since she was kicked off before they got a chance to see her perform on the show. Howard also talked about how Wendy the Retard is coming in later this week. He had to take a break shortly after that.
A listener called in to talk about Beth's FOX news report. Howard said he didn't want to get into a whole discussion about that though so he cut the guy off and moved on. He took a call from another guy who brought up Howard's shaking on E! that they discussed yesterday. The guy's phone quality was bad so Howard told him that and it improved all of a sudden. Howard got so agitated by the whole thing that he had to get off the phone with him as well. Howard said he got a lot of e-mail about that shaking on E! and still doesn't know what people are talking about. Some people explained that he was bouncing his leg up and down and it was shaking his whole body. Howard said the E! guys could cover up that stuff if they wanted to. Someone suggested that since Artie seems to do that a lot that it's actually rubbing off on him.
Howard's girlfriend Beth called in to apologize for what FOX did to her by promoting her appearance using Howard's name even though they said they wouldn't. She said she feels very betrayed by them and feels bad for Howard. She said she was really happy with the report and she's really mad that the news director over there looked her in the eye and said they wouldn't use Howard's name. She said she thought he was a good guy but she was wrong. She said she feels crappy about that now. Howard said that's just the way they are over at FOX. Beth said they used Howard's name and even admitted that they weren't supposed to use Howard's name but did it anyway. Howard said he doesn't understand that network at all. He said they just lie about that stuff and don't think twice about it. Beth said she can't do stuff like that anymore because of that experience. Howard told her she can still do that kind of stuff though. Beth said everyone was really nice over there too and they just ruined it when they didn't keep their word. Howard said he's had people on the show who don't want to talk about certain things so he'll keep them off the show until they're ready to talk about it. He said he did that with Joan Rivers who didn't want to talk about her daughter's divorce. She stayed off the show for a couple of months but eventually came in and was willing to talk about it. Beth got off the phone after a couple of minutes and Howard said he didn't get sex last night because she wanted to stay up and watch that news report.
A listener called in and told Howard about what liars they are over there at FOX and how they've screwed up news reports as well. Howard said he doesn't know if that's true or not but he said he knew they'd break that deal with Beth. He claims that he warned her that they might screw her when she signed on to do it. Howard said he's honest with people who come on his show and will let them know ahead of time what he's planning on talking about and stuff like that.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that he got the feeling that Roseanna Scotto didn't seem very happy with the fact that Beth was doing that report for them on the news. Howard and Robin said they don't know if that's true or not though. Howard asked Chaunce if he was calling in from Jason Priestley's apartment. He claimed to be laying on Jason's bed. Howard had some questions about that from yesterday when they mentioned it late in the show. The guys wondered if he ever pleasured himself in the apartment. Chaunce said he never did that there but he did have some other stuff he was going to e-mail Gary about because he didn't want to talk about them on the air.
Howard took a call from a guy who was wondering about that clip Howard plays sometimes where this black guy is telling a woman to say ''Nigga F*** Me Hard!'' over and over again. Howard played it and said it's Selma Blair in the movie ''Storytelling.'' Howard was trying to remember if he liked the movie or not. He was pretty sure it wasn't very good though. He had to take a break after that.
Roseanna Scotto from FOX news called in to defend her boss Neil. Howard was saying he didn't think the guy was a decent guy so Roseanna wanted to let him know it wasn't that guy who ''took it to the next step.'' She was taking the full blame for doing what they did. Howard told Roseanna that Beth was the one who didn't want a big deal made about the fact that she's Howard's girlfriend. Howard explained that to her and Roseanna claims that she didn't know there was a deal with Beth about not making it about Howard. Howard said it was obvious that they knew what they were doing and they lied through their teeth about it. Roseanna said that she mentioned it once at the start of the show. Howard said he has clips of their promos and how they screwed Beth over but he didn't want to bore his audience with that stuff. Roseanna said that they loved Howard's girlfriend Beth doing that piece and think the world of her. Howard said he has the whole day worth of tape from FOX where they used his name in the promos. He said he has a service that he uses where they send him tape whenever someone uses his name. Roseanna eventually said she was aware of this deal that Beth had but she didn't think it was a big deal to mention Howard's name. Roseanna apologized to Howard for what happened and offered to take him out to dinner but Howard said he doesn't want that from a ''user'' like her.
Howard got off the phone with Roseanna and continued to talk about how they screwed Beth. Howard said she told him how they made this deal and then immediately started calling other news agencies to tell them that Howard's girlfriend was doing this report for them. Howard said he's really not interested in doing anything with Roseanna Scotto because they just out and out lied about what they were going to do. Gary came in and said he got a call from the big FOX news people and wanted them to make sure that they said this was the local FOX news station, not the national FOX news. Howard said he's threatened to send cameras over to Rupert Murdock's house to take shots if him and his kids when he's had their camera men following him around. Howard took a couple of phone calls about the incident and some people had some other things to add to the conversation. One guy claimed that Roseanna won't let any other good looking women work on the station with her. Others called in and defended Scotto and said that she's really a nice person. Howard said she might be a nice person but she lied. That's all he was trying to point out. He said they're the ones who are supposed to be telling the truth because they're reporters. Howard said a reporter has to be honest more than someone like the President.
Howard said that was enough of that because they were in the middle of a Captain Janks call. He got back to Janks and played some more of his phone calls. In one call he scammed a local FOX affiliate calling in as an airport maintenance worker who said that the airport runway was pooped on by Howard's new dog. They didn't get the joke right away though and continued to ask him questions. A listener interrupted the Janks stuff and said that the past hour of the show was just shameless self promotion for Beth. Howard said that's why he didn't want anything to do with this whole thing. Mariann from Brooklyn called in called in and went off on Roseanna Scotto for 30 seconds. Fred threw in the crow cawing sound effect during the whole call. Artie continued it for a little while longer.
Howard gave Janks a plug for this appearance he's making at The Tex-Mex Connection in North Whales, Pennsylvania. He'll be there this Thursday night and every Thursday night for Open Mic Night. Howard also played a few more of Janks' prank calls. In one of the calls he called in as a woman who had escaped a kidnapping. He used names from people on the show while he was describing the horrifying experience. The reporters went on and on asking questions not knowing it was a scam. They eventually cut him off after being clued in by someone that he was a phony. Howard wrapped up the call with Janks and let him get in another plug for his appearance schedule.
A phone caller said that Howard is usually tuned into what his audience wants to hear and wondered what he was thinking having Frenchie on the show to sing a Whitney Houston song. Howard said that's the kind of music she wants to sing and that's why she's going to sing it. He said he thinks people want to hear what she would have sounded like if she wasn't kicked off ''American Idol.'' Gary came in a short time later and said that she doesn't want to sing the whole song anyway. She only wants to sing part of it.
Gary had some of the stuff Chaunce Hayden sent to him about Jason Priestley's apartment. Gary said the big things in the note were that Jason has a 12' tall Jesus at the foot of his bed and that's what you look at when you're trying to sleep. There are also some other over sized things in his apartment that he mentioned. That was about it for the revealing things Chaunce had for Howard.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one guy said Captain Janks has blown up to like over 200 pounds. Howard said Janks is pretty short too so that kind of weight wouldn't carry well. The guy said he saw him over at Scores and the chicks wouldn't even go near him. That led to Howard talking about how he hasn't been to Scores in a while and wants to go over there to check out the new chicks they have there. Artie said he's been on the show for two years now and hasn't been to one of their Scores parties yet. Howard said the last time they brought someone from the show, Vinnie Penn, he ended up getting naked himself. Artie said that guy was on like the week before he was on and he figured he'd get to go to one of those parties since they were doing them so often. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and made some suggestions for when they could do the party.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said he had some breaking news about the terror alert here in the United States. Melrose said he got this info from a web site he writes for. He said there are threats against New York, Boston and L.A. Howard told Melrose that the news was already in the newspapers though. Melrose said he hadn't gotten the newspaper yet so he didn't know that. Gary asked if there was something going on at Penn Station yesterday. The guys heard that there were some packages left in the station and a couple of other odd things going on. Melrose said he had a bunch of stuff to talk to Howard about but Howard had to cut him off so he could take a break.
A listener called in and said that there was a fat black chick who made it to the finals so their theory wasn't really right. Howard said if that woman had anything in her past maybe they would have used that to kick her off the show as well. Howard said it was the fact that they were able to find something in Frenchie's past that allowed them to get rid of her before she advanced.
Howard had a Whitney Houston track to play for Frenchie to sing along to. She did that but said it was early in the morning so it would be tough. She didn't sound that much different than Whitney and did pretty good. Howard said she could have won it. She had a shot. Robin agreed with Howard.
Howard gave Frenchie a plug and said she's appearing in ''Rent'' at the Niederlander Theater in New York City. You can get tickets through Ticketmaster.
Howard took some phone calls for Frenchie and let some people talk to her. One guy asked her if she's got a boyfriend because he's available. Howard asked Frenchie if she's into chicks or guys. She said she's into guys but didn't want to go out with that caller. Howard said he really does think she was robbed of her chance to win. He also asked her if her pictures are still on that web site. She said that was a long time ago and they're not there anymore. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Jon Hein from JumpTheShark.com was in but porn star Tabitha Stevens (TabithaStevens.com) was also on the phone to come back at Jenna Jameson for badmouthing her the other day when she was on. Jenna said some stuff about Tabitha ''riding her coat tails'' and Tabitha didn't know what that was all about. She wondered how she was riding her coat tails. Tabitha said she knows that Jenna is much bigger in the industry than she is and she doesn't get why she's so angry at her. She said maybe she's a ''player hater'' and isn't too happy that someone else has some fame in the industry. Howard said he doesn't know what that's all about either but he's happy she called in to defend herself. He said he's also glad that Tabitha is willing to have sex with his listeners. He wrapped up the call after just a few minutes and moved on to Jon Hein from JumpTheShark.com.
Howard said Jon Hein was looking a little bigger than normal. He asked him if he's been working out or something. Jon said he's just gained some weight. Howard had a few other things to get to before Jon. He had a voice mail message from this guy who calls in quite often and leaves racist messages. This time the guy went off on Ruben from ''American Idol'' calling him a ''sweaty nigga'' over and over again. Jon said he feels that ''American Idol'' jumped the shark after the first season. Howard played another voice mail from this angry woman who also calls in frequently. She went off on Howard as she usually does. There were more from the racist guy too. He left some messages about Robin and some other things. One of the messages was a little creepier than his usual stuff. He was talking about Robin being his ''nigga.'' Howard said he has a million calls from that guy. He apparently called in and left a ton of messages yesterday. Howard said he left messages about a bunch of people. He played one about Clay from ''American Idol'' and how faggy he looks on that show. He also went off on Oprah Winfrey, Pamela Anderson, the Hilton Sisters and Charlie's Angels. Howard said the guy likes to whine about a lot of stuff but he can't be his shrink.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said Robin looked really young on the E! show last night. She's almost 51 years old and she looks great. Howard said she hasn't had any work done and she looks 30 to him.
Another listener said that Howard isn't making a very big deal about Jim Carrey being on the show tomorrow. Howard made a little bit of a big deal out of it a short time later. He had Fred play some big music in the background as he mentioned that Jim will be on tomorrow. He moved on to some other stuff after that.
Howard got a letter from this guy claiming to be this guy who murdered a woman not too long ago. He basically tells Howard the story of what happened in this letter. In the disturbing description he talks about biting off this woman's nipple and eating it as well as drinking her blood. The guy is a big fan of the show and claims that he's not gay but would be willing to blow Howard.
Howard moved on to Jon Hein from JumpTheShark.com and talked to him about some of the stuff that's going on with the TV shows that are on. Howard asked Jon about ''Hitler, the Rise to Evil'' and when that jumped the shark. Jon said that the whole show was just bad timing because of what we're going through. Jon also talked about the ''Martha Stewart'' movie they did and how it was too over the top with Cybil Sheppard playing Martha. They quickly went over some other shows that have been bad. Jon mentioned the ''Home Improvement'' special and how bad that was. He said it made you wonder why you ever watched it to begin with. Howard asked about the ''Beverly Hills 90210'' special and how bad that was. Jon agreed with Howard that it was horrible. Howard asked about the Jay Leno and Katie Couric trading jobs thing. Jon thought that was pretty lame. Howard said it was like a train wreck with Katie on the show and even though she got good ratings, she wouldn't make it as a late night host. A listener called in and asked about ''Trading Spaces'' and when that jumped the shark. Jon said that jumped when they did the Vegas special or maybe when the Dixie Chicks were on or when they put hay on the walls of one room they did. Howard and Jon also talked about ''American Idol'' and when that jumped. They also talked about ''Survivor'' and how it was actually pretty good this season. Howard and Jon agreed that it was the best season in a while. They brought up ''The Bachelor'' and how that wasn't interesting this season at all. Another listener called in about ''Smallville'' and Jon said that nothing ever happens on that show and that's what upsets him about it. He said last night in the season finale they do move it along a little more.
Sal the Stockbroker called in and asked Jon what makes him, the ''sharky fag'', an expert in TV shows. He also asked when he thought Beth O (Howard's girlfriend) jumped the shark. Howard figured out that it was Sal the Stockbroker and told him he wasn't getting anymore plugs for that comment. Sal tried to get one in but Howard cut him off.
The guys talked about some of the other shows and how they've jumped the shark. They talked about ''24'' and how some of the episodes are just lame but it's so well done that it's still good. Jon said that he didn't think that the ''Friends'' finale was that great. Howard and Robin liked it though. They also talked about ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' which Howard has never seen. Jon said he doesn't get that either. Jon said the last episode of ''CSI'' was a little weird but the show is still very well done. He said he thinks that next season might be the last for that show. Jon told Howard that the best show on TV is probably ''Six Feet Under'' which airs on HBO. Artie said whenever he tunes into that show there are two guys making out so he doesn't watch. Howard asked Jon what he thinks is the worst show on TV right now. He wasn't sure about that but he knows that ''Whoopi'' will suck next season. He's sure it will be really bad right from the start.
One listener called in and said he doesn't know what the ''Jump the Shark'' thing means. Howard explained that it's a reference to Fonzie jumping over the sharks in an episode of ''Happy Days'' which is when the show went bad.
Howard asked Jon about some of the late night guys. Jon said a lot of people bad mouth Jimmy Kimmel's show as well as Craig Kilbourn's show. Conan seems to keep fresh according to Jon's web site. Howard also asked Jon about reality TV in general and when that jumped the shark. He said it jumped with the show ''I'm a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here!'' Howard said he'd be willing to do a real ''I'm a Celebrity'' show but it would have to have ''real'' celebrities in it. He said ABC would have to give each celebrity about $5 million each to do the show though. Robin said she'd watch if they put Mike Tyson on a show like that. They also mentioned OJ's name and said he'd be good for that. Howard said this would be huge. He said they'd have to get Cher, Mike Tyson and some other big names. If they did that they could charge ''Super Bowl'' type advertising fees to pay the celebrities.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she felt that reality TV shows jumped the shark with that show ''Mr. Personality.'' She and Jon spent a short time talking about that before Howard wrapped up the segment and took a break. Jon was in to promote his web site as well as his book ''Jump the Shark'' and audio cassette ''Jump the Shark.''
Howard played tape of Billy Joel talking about his alcohol use and how he's not an alcoholic, he's just an ''alcohol abuser.'' Howard said that's what Artie is. He's not an alcoholic, he's just an alcohol abuser just like Billy is.
Howard said Terry Bradshaw was on this show ''Real Sports'' the other day and broke down crying. Howard said he figured he'd be a happy guy but it turns out he's a mess. Terry got all emotional talking about how worn out he is going to therapy and stuff. Howard and Artie goofed on him for a short time after hearing the tape.
A listener called in and told Howard that he saw this ''Biography'' special they did on him. Howard said they did that a few years ago and interviewed a bunch of people who barely knew him. He said he was kind of freaked out by it because he thought he'd died or something. Howard took a couple more phone calls after that and then had Robin get to her news.
Howard said now that ''American Idol'' is over, he can go back to living his life. He and Gary were wondering if they were surprised about the winner or not. He said it reminded him of the OJ Simpson verdict for some reason. Gary said both of the finalists get record contracts though. Howard and Robin think that Clay should have to go back to being the nerd that he was without a contract. There were people crying and freaking out when Ruben won the title last night. Gary pointed out how big Kelly Clarkson's ass looked when she came out dressed in all white. Howard said she really needs to lose some weight. Robin said all of the finalists from the show were there last night so there really are no losers on that show because they give contracts to so many people. Howard and Gary couldn't get over the Kelly Clarkson being fat thing either. Howard said she's a young woman and should take care of herself better. Howard said he really wanted Ruben to win because he didn't want to see Clay win. Robin brought up how there were groups of women who were fans of Clay's and one group was calling themselves the ''Claymates'' which was disturbing. Artie said if he had a child, he'd never let them be in a group called the Claymates.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who was on a cell phone. It sounded like the guy couldn't hear a word they were saying and it was pissing him off. Howard said people are calling in on cell phones all the time and it's ruining the show these days. A listener asked Howard how that show reminded him of the OJ case. Howard said it was the crowd going crazy for Ruben that reminded him of that case. There were a lot of people ''dancing around and whooping it up'' after it was announced that Ruben won. Howard and Artie joked about that for a few seconds.
Howard said Gary told him a bunch of stuff before the show and had some cool stuff to talk about but he seemed to forget about it when they got on the air. Then when Gary remembered what it was Howard said he didn't want to hear about it again. He said that when Gary told him about it off the air it was interesting but then when he tells him about it the second time, he gets stiff and doesn't tell it the same way. Howard told Gary that he gets bored hearing stuff like that twice a day and he shouldn't be telling him the stuff off the air. Gary said he won't let him talk on the air if he doesn't tell him the stuff off the air though. Howard eventually brought up the FHM 100 hottest women list and how Halle Berry was number 1. Howard said they talked about that the other day and Maxim called them and asked why they weren't talking about their list. When they got that list, they have a lot of women in spots they don't belong. Howard said Halle Berry was like number 44 and Christina Aguilera was number one. Howard said she looks horrible these days. Then there's Kirsten Dunst at number 33 and she's above Carmen Electra. Howard talked about how off the list was and how they seem to have put Drew Barrymore's head on a body that's not hers. Howard said the whole list was a mess. He started yelling out how it was all lies and threw the list in the garbage.
Howard said they had a meeting yesterday and Artie looked really fat to him. Artie said he's had a couple of setbacks lately and has gained a few pounds. He said he's not close to being at the weight he was at in ''Dirty Work'' though.
Howard took a call from a woman by the name of Lindsey who wanted to come in and do some lesbian stuff for him. Howard told her to come down but she had a strange voice that he thought might be a guys voice. Her girlfriend was also there on the phone and her voice was just as strange. It sounded like two dudes. They were in the city so Gary told Howard they could get them in today. Howard told them to get down there after asking them a bunch of questions about how they hooked up with each other. Lindsey said she needs to find some drugs to keep her awake if Howard wants her to stay up that late. He put her on hold so they could set her up to come down. Howard had to take a break before getting to anything else though.
Howard went on to talk about how they store a lot of their junk back in his office and everyone on the show is allowed back there. He took a nap back there yesterday but then the windows were getting cleaned outside and that was disturbing him. Howard said there's talk about giving him a new office because their Corporate department is moving downstairs. He said they've already moved the accounting department out of the building. He said the whole department was Korean and made some jokes about that. He said he brought his dog back there and hasn't seen her since. He got back to the story about the new office he's supposed to get. It's going to be near the sales department and he knows the walk back there will be a nightmare because there will be clients back there and he's going to be greeting a lot of people. Howard said Tom decided to put his office next to his. Howard said now that means Tom will be able to meet with him whenever he wants though.
Shuli was on the phone and said he saw the ''Miss Butta Face'' contest and said it was great. He loved the whole show so Howard was thinking of doing that for Showtime who wants him to do a show for them. Shuli said Ralph is a weird guy and won't even look at the girls when he rates them. Howard said it's not easy to look a girl in the face and tell them how lucky they are. Shuli also told Howard that E! is still running those lame news scrolls under his show. Howard wondered why Mindy Herman from E! is lying to him about that. Howard had Robin Radzinski come in to find out what's going on. Robin said she was told the same thing and didn't know that was still going on. Shuli had a few other things to talk about from the show. He said the Sake Gary was drinking should be outlawed. Howard seemed to agree and said that his wife really has changed him. Howard ended up talking about how Gary did ''Hollywood Squares'' again and now they just call him ''Baba Booey'' and don't use his real name anymore. He said people have told him Gary always licks his choppers when he's asked a question on the show. Gary came in and said he licks his teeth and lips all day long. Stuttering John said he's like a lizard. Gary said he doesn't really think about it and it's an unconscious move that happens all the time. Gary claims that he knows what his role is on that show and it's not to tell jokes every time. He said there are people who try to be funny with every answer. Gary believes that his role on that show is to be funny when he thinks he should be funny. Shuli said he's like the poker player of Hollywood Squares. Gary said that the person in the center square always gets the jokes, the answers and everything else so they don't make fools out of themselves. He felt like Alec Baldwin had a joke coming out before the questions were even over when he appeared on there. Gary said he doesn't believe that he'd be asked back to do the show if he didn't know what his ''role'' was. Gary said people who go through the speed rounds these days don't even call him ''Baba Booey'' anymore, they just shorten it to ''Baba'' like that's his real name. Howard reminded Gary that he thought that name would never last when he first said them.
Howard changed subjects and said his daughter is taking the SAT-2 test and she asked him 20 questions and he didn't get one right. He tried to describe some of the questions but couldn't even give the general idea of a question. Howard said his daughter is really smart though and she'll be able to take the test no problem. Howard said he should get her on the phone and have her read some of the questions. He described one of the questions and how they had a ''h12.'' Howard asked her what that meant with the 12 at the bottom but when she told him, he'd never heard of it. Gary figures out of everyone on the show, Howard is the one who went to the best school. They talked about that for a few seconds before going to break. Shuli threw in one last question for Gary though. He asked him what his last argument with his wife was. Gary said he couldn't remember what it was.
Howard read an article about how some soccer fans lit a dog on fire after a game. Howard said he doesn't know what's up with soccer fans but he figures the game is so boring that they have to do something like that to make it interesting. Artie said that game really is boring. Howard pointed out how the people here in the U.S. don't get up and riot after a football game.
Howard mentioned last night's ''American Idol'' again and how glad he is that Ruben won. He said he'd feel weird rooting for the skinny ''gayish'' white guy if he won.
Howard was going to get to some other stuff but Jim Carrey had shown up so he had to prepare for that. He had to put on his sunglasses before he came in because he wanted to look good on camera just in case he came in. Howard said he's thinking of having laser eye surgery because he really is blind without his glasses. He said he has to feel around in the morning for his glasses. He said Beth tells him that it's heart breaking to hear him tapping around for them when he's getting up. Howard said his mother even has a theory that he shouldn't have worn his glasses all the time as he was growing up because that made his eyes even worse than they were.
Howard said he's looking forward to seeing Jim who hasn't been on the show in a while. Howard said Jim was staying at his building for a while and he ran into him a couple of times. One time he had his father with him and his father thought he recognized him but wasn't sure. Howard said his dad was yelling that day because he can't hear very well. He said his father thought it was Jim Carrey but wasn't sure. Meanwhile, Jim was right behind them and he could hear the whole conversation. His dad said if he knew it was Jim Carrey, he would have invited him to dinner with them. Howard said Jim was trying to be low profile but his father was out on the street yelling his name and talking about how he would have invited him to dinner. Howard said he tried to tell his father that Jim was right behind them and could hear them but his father couldn't hear that either. Howard was trying not to make a big deal out of the whole thing but his father was making a lot of noise about it.
Howard said Jim's life was really messed up. Fred started to play the sad piano music in the background as Howard described some of the stuff that he's heard about him growing up living out of a car. Jim played along with it and talked about his sad life. Howard asked him how long he lived out of the car. It was actually a Volkswagen camper according to Jim. He said when his dad lost his job he was really pissed. He said his father never made more than $20,000 a year when he was working. He also talked about how they used to heat their food on the engine when they were living in the camper. Jim said they also camped around the country, up in Ontario, and pitched a tent in his sister's yard at one point. Jim said he was a janitor for a while and had to carry around a baseball bat on his cart because there was like a race war going on at this plant he worked at. Jim said he would get so pissed about having the job that he'd punch a hole in the wall every day. The whole family was working at this plant at the time. He said he was only 15 at the time. Jim said some of the guys at the factory would crap in the sink and take an ''extra long bag scratch'' at the urinal so there would be more pubic hair there than usual. He said he'd have to clean all of that stuff up and would dream of getting out of there. Jim said when winter rolled around they finally realized that the camper thing wasn't a good idea anymore. He said now that he's successful he dreams of the days of cleaning up pubic hair.
Howard found out that both of Jim's parents have passed away. He wondered if it was a sad story for Jim. Jim said he feels that it was actually a success story because the worse you have it, the stronger you are. Howard moved on to ask Jim about what he does with his money since he was so broke at that time. Jim joked that all of his money is off shore so if he gets someone pregnant he'll have some of that money left. Robin said Jim's ex-wife is dragging him back to court to get more money but Jim said they actually settled that out of court.
Howard asked Jim about some of the stuff he owns like two $14 million homes and a $42 million jet. Jim said he doesn't own the jet... He's still paying for it. He joked that he calls it the ''flying penis.'' Jim said airports are just insane for him so he needs to have a private jet. Robin said that Jim actually loaned it to George Harrison. Jim said he didn't know about that and wondered if it was a tabloid story. Jim said he didn't personally loan it to him but Harrison may have leased it. That's how he offsets the cost of the jet. Jim joked that he designed the inside of it like a Volkswagen camper. Howard asked him how much it would cost to lease the jet. Jim said it would be $50,000 to take it from New York to L.A.
Howard talked to Jim about the women he's dated over the years. He brought up Renee Zellweger and a couple of other people like Lauren Holley. Robin wanted to know more about Lauren and whether he'd stalked her or not. He was an admirer of hers when she was on TV and ended up working with her and then went out with her. Robin thought that was kind of strange but Howard didn't think it was that weird. Howard said he felt that it was odd that he picked Jennifer Aniston to be his co-star in this new movie ''Bruce Almighty.'' Howard said it would be kind of cool to bang Brad Pitt's wife though.
Howard asked Jim about his private jet again. Jim said it's a Gulfstream 5 which seats about 15 people. He said sometimes it's just him and 14 empty seats when he flies somewhere. Jim said sometimes he has to fly out quick and he can't round up his entourage.
Howard asked Jim if he ever did drugs growing up. Jim said he did experiment with some stuff when he was growing up but doesn't do that stuff these days. Howard said he must have tried stuff when he was working as a janitor.
Howard asked Jim about some of the women he went out with when he was younger. Howard said he went out with Linda Ronstadt. Jim said that was when he was only 21 years old. He was working as a comedian at the time and she was a cutie back then. He said they went out for about 6 months. That was before he was famous too.
Howard mentioned some of the other women Jim has had like Lauren Holley, Renee Zellweger, January Jones, a Russian ballerina... Jim wondered where the list came from because it wasn't quite right. Howard moved on to ask him who his Hollywood friends are. Jim said he hangs out with Nicolas Cage. Howard said Cage is a strange guy. He asked Jim how often they get together. Jim said every couple of months they might get together. He said he also hangs out with Noah Emmerich who he met when he did ''The Truman Show'' movie.
Howard asked Jim about Jennifer Aniston and the new movie ''Bruce Almighty.'' Howard said the trailers look funny. Jim said the movie really is funny and ended up talking about how he and the director, Tom Shadyac get together and hunt grizzly bears together. He said they don't kill them though. Howard was just trying to figure out why they picked Jennifer Aniston as a co-star. Jim said they just thought she'd be great for the part. Howard talked to him about that for a short time and said the movie is opening this weekend. Jim said he's really not worried about ''The Matrix Reloaded'' being out when his movie is coming out. He said he wasn't that thrilled with the movie. Howard said he hated it so they spent a couple of minutes picking it apart.
Howard said that Jim must be upset about the new movie ''Dumb and Dumberer'' because they got a guy who looks like him to play his part. Jim said he's really not upset about it and his life is good. Howard told him that movie will probably flop anyway to he doesn't have to worry about it. Howard asked Jim when he'll find out how his new movie is doing this weekend. Jim said he'll probably hear about it before it even opens. Jim said he has no idea what will happen with this movie because ''it's a busy parking lot out there.''
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Jim about ''Liar Liar'' and if he improvised the scenes where he was going off on the other lawyers. Jim said he did come up with some new stuff. He said they do have a script but he throws in new stuff as well. Jim said some of the best stuff comes when he makes stuff like that up. Howard mentioned the talking through the ass thing he did in ''Ace Ventura.'' Jim said that actually came from ''In Living Color'' because he was mad at Keenan Ivory Wayans one day and ended up doing that.
More phone calls came through and Howard asked Jim some other stuff about things like the crazy speeches he gives when he wins an award. He said he makes most of that stuff up as he goes along. He said he was a stand-up comedian so that's what he loves doing. One caller asked Jim if he'd ever host an award show. Jim said he thinks he wouldn't like doing it. He said he's been asked to do the Academy Awards but he's not sure he'd like it.
Chaunce Hayden called in and told Jim how great ''Dumb and Dumber'' was and how ''Bruce Almighty'' is even greater. He managed to see it ahead of time and told Jim it was great. Jim said he was going to read the Gene Shalit review of the movie. He said they gave him a copy and told him to read it if he got a chance. Jim pulled it out a few seconds later and said it said ''Uproarious'' and that was it. Chaunce also asked Jim if it was true that he dated porn star Alicia Klass and told her that she was like his soul mate but he couldn't be with her because of what she does for a living. Jim talked about a date he had with her and how all she talked about was ''squirting.'' He said she was a nice woman though.
Howard let Shuli ask Jim a question. Shuli told Jim that ''Cable Guy'' was one of his favorite movies. Jim said that was one of his favorites too. Jim said he's heard that Steven Hawking also loved the movie... it may have been Hawking's assistant's favorite movie though. Shuli asked Jim out of Lauren Holley or Renee Zellweger, which one was more psycho. Jim said neither of them were psycho and didn't seem to think that was too cool.
Howard wrapped up the interview and thanked Jim for coming in. Robin asked him what took him so long to come back. Jim joked that it had been a long time and he really needed breast implants so he came back. Jim started joking about how sometimes the load it just too much for him and he can't get on all of these shows. Fred played the sad piano music in the background again and Jim had some fun with that for a few seconds. Howard threw in a few more phone calls for him as well. One caller said there was an item in the paper that suggested that some workers in Jim Carrey's house uncovered a bunch of pictures of Britney Spears. Jim joked that Britney is too old for him though. Jeff the Drunk called in a minute later and asked Jim how big his penis is. Jim said he did okay in that area. Howard finally ended the interview after that. He gave him another plug for ''Bruce Almighty'' which opens tomorrow and then took a break.
The girls who called in earlier in the morning were there but Gary was in the middle of carding them to find out how old they are. Howard spent some time talking about Jim Carrey while they waited for the girls. Artie said when Jim does a movie where he's trying to be funny, he goes to see the movie on the first weekend. He said he waited until the fourth weekend to see ''The Majestic.'' Artie and Howard talked about some of the other movies Jim has done and how great they were. Artie is a big fan of his and loved ''The Cable Guy'' and ''Dumb and Dumber.'' Howard said he wasn't a fan of ''The Cable Guy'' though.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy said he just found out his 7 year old son isn't really his son. He said he thought he was until recently when he found out when he had a DNA test done. They were filing for joint custody of the kid and that's why they had to have the DNA test done. The caller said he ended up losing his job because of the legal hassles he's had to go through lately. He was paying child support and wanted to get his money back but his lawyer told him that it would cost him too much though. The guy said he doesn't want to see the woman anymore or even the kid that he loved as his own son. Howard told him to be a bigger man and he should stay in the kid's life. Howard told the guy that there's always that chance that the kid could grow up to have Jim Carrey money or Shaq money so he should keep him in his life. The caller said that he really just has to get his life back in order before he can even think about doing that. Another caller offered the guy a job in his warehouse. The guy said he'd take just about anything and this job sounded good to him. Howard told the guy not to leave that kid alone and to stay in his life. The guy told him he'd do what he could and he will stay in his life.
Howard had some clips from last night's ''American Idol'' but Gary told him that those girls who called in earlier were ready to come in. Howard decided to go with the clips first. He said he's glad Ruben, the big, fat black guy, won because he'd feel funny about the ''gayish'' white guy winning. He had clips of some celebrities commenting on who they thought would win. They had Wanda Sykes, Quentin Tarantino and a bunch of others giving their guesses at who would win. Michael Chiklis from ''The Shield'' gave his thoughts on who should win. Howard also played a clip of the group of bad singers they brought back to make fools out of themselves on national TV. He had some other clips but
The girls met when they were in private school together. They told Howard about that and Jade said she lost her virginity at 14. Howard wondered how much coke they do a day. Victoria said she doesn't do it, Jade said this was the first time she'd done it in a month and a half or so. Her teeth grinding was still disturbing Howard. He asked her to drink some more water. Victoria said that when they were in private school they were forced to wear the tiny school girl skirts and by the age of 14 it was almost pornographic for her to still be wearing them because her body was filling out. Jade said she has a full C-cup now. Howard asked them if they ever gang bang guys. They said they have had some fun with their roommate Kevin.
Howard asked the girls when they first did lesbian stuff together. Victoria said that they were about 13 years old or so. They were drinking by that age. Victoria said you add 3 years to their age because in the city, kids grow up quicker. Artie was making fun of the way Jade was talking because of the teeth grinding. Every time she'd say something Artie would goof on her. The girls talked about how they got into the lesbian stuff and how it wasn't that big of a deal. Howard had the two of them kiss to see just how lesbian they are. Howard and the guys thought it was pretty hot. Howard asked the girls what they did last night while they were partying. Jade talked about staying up smoking a bit and how they next thing they knew they were calling him this morning. Howard wondered what they want to be when they get out of school. Jade said she's studying psychology which got a laugh out of the guys. Howard asked them if they ever bang older guys. Victoria said she banged a 42 year old. The girls are only 19 now. She said the guy was a really nice guy. Gary said he's 42 and he thinks he'd look perfectly normal hanging out with her. Howard had to take a break so he wrapped up the interview with the girls.
Howard said tonight on his E! show (now airing at 10pm) they crown the Miss Butta Face winner. He also gave a quick mention about Wendy the Retard coming in tomorrow before having Robin do her news.
Howard said Wendy the Retard will be in this morning as well as Beetlejuice and Gary the Retard. They're coming in to compete for a date with her. Artie said ''Imagine, we had Jim Carrey in yesterday.''
Gary came in and brought up how good Robin looks and how great she's done losing weight. Howard told him he was making too much of a big deal out of it though. Robin told Howard she likes the compliments she's been getting. Stuttering John said her breasts look great these days as well. He said he'd do her because she's looking so great. Her ass has apparently gotten very small and tight according to Gary. Robin said John will yell out to her ''Shake that ass!'' when she's walking down the hall sometimes. Howard said they're on the verge of sexual harassment. He still thought they were going a little overboard though. Robin said she's liking it though. Gary said he told her that she's getting into top shape and said he asked her if she would consider doing Playboy for a million bucks. She told him ''Absolutely!'' Robin told Howard she has to still lose a few more pounds though so she's got a little work left to do. She said she'd hold out for the million though. Howard said he thinks it would be very difficult to get a million bucks out of Playboy though. John asked her if she'd be willing to ''show everything'' in the magazine if she did it. Howard said she'd have to show everything. Robin said she doesn't have to show everything, she could do what she wants. Howard told her when Playboy was done airbrushing her, she'd have just a line of hair down below and she'd look even better.
Stuttering John asked Howard if he'd do Playgirl for a million bucks. Howard said he's offered to do something like that but no one takes him up on the offer. No one wants to see that though. Howard tried to get Robin to talk about her weight loss but she said there's really not an easy explanation. She also said she's still not ready to tell people how she did it. Howard said he can tell people how to lose weight, just get out and move around and stop eating so much. Robin said she had a complicated situation and was dying so she had to do something about it. She eventually broke down and told the guys what happened. She said that she just stopped eating all food. She said she gave it up for 21 days! She claims she suffered from Infmamatory Syndrome. The guys wondered if she took IVs or something. That was a negative. Robin said when she ate her food would just lay in her digestive tract and wouldn't come out so she starved herself. She also said she has a hypo-thyroid condition and that doesn't help. She said she only eats on special occasions now. Robin said she has eaten this week, maybe five days. She said she has one meal a day or so now. She said her body is now able to process food so she can eat a little bit here and there. She said she can't eat bread or dairy products or most fruits. She's eating nuts, salads and a little fish. Last night she had a lobster tail and a salad. Howard said that's how she's doing it and that's what fat people have to do. Robin said she lost 60 pounds in just a few months and it was pretty drastic. Gary asked her how hard it was to fast for 21 days. Robin said it really wasn't bad and it actually felt good to just not eat. She said she felt better not eating. Stuttering John said this was great news and all fat women should listen to this. Robin said she won't be writing a book or anything. Howard said he wants to see a book about that and thinks she should at least do an interview for Playboy where she talks about this stuff. Howard said the diet is simple, just stop eating. He said you have to eat something to stay alive but cutting down on food by at least half would help. Robin said she did have a drink she used during that 21 day fast of hers. She said there's water and a little juice (some sort of fruit) and no special powders or anything like that. She said someone did give her this tip about how to lose the weight and it was someone on the show. She said she would reveal who that person is some day. She said that person was a male celebrity but wouldn't tell Howard who it was. Robin said every person is different and no one should be eating the same thing as others. You have to choose what's best for you. Howard added that people should cut down on the amount of food they eat. It's very simple. Howard said Robin was eating like a man and that's why she was so fat. Robin said she really didn't eat that much and she didn't eat that much crap. Howard said Robin is doing what all hot chicks do, not eating. Robin said that's not exactly it though. She said people have to ''Stop Fighting Your Body.'' The guys said that sounds like the title of her next book. She says that won't happen though. Artie told Robin he hadn't eaten since six o'clock and he was starving. It was only 6:25. Robin said she will eventually tell the person who told her how to lose the weight about how they helped when they show up on the show again. She said she has already thanked him in person. Howard wanted her to talk about this special drink she was using but she wouldn't give him the details. Howard wanted someone to steal it so they could have it analyzed. She said she'll one day reveal that information but not today. Howard took a break after not being able to get anymore info out of her.
Howard came back from break and said they figured out who the celebrity was who turned her life around. He said it was David Blaine who fasts before the stunts he pulls. Robin told Howard he could be right... Then she said she thanked him for what he did for her. Howard also mentioned that the drink might be the same thing he drinks before his stunts which contains lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup (Check this link for the Lemonade Cleanse recipe). Robin said the drink is a high alkaline content drink that does something to the body to help it along. Howard joked that Robin has a laboratory in her house and is doing all kinds of research there. He also said she's doing laser eye surgery there. Howard said he doesn't care what Robin drinks as long as she's happy and cheerful on the air. Robin said that Robin Radzinski from E! would see her drinking this yellow drink and would take guesses at what it was. She said she'd say ''Okay, that's deer piss'' and stuff like that when she'd see the yellow drink. Howard congratulated Robin again and told her she should work on curing spinal cord injuries. Robin told Howard that the syrup has to be real maple syrup, grade B, not Log Cabin stuff.
Howard moved on to other things after that. He said he watched the ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer'' final episode. He said he'd give it a ''B.'' Howard said it was a surprise to him and he liked it. Robin said there were a few things they could have left out of the episode but overall it was good. Howard said he's glad some of these shows are going off the air. He's tired of recording so many shows. He's glad the ''American Idol'' thing is over now. He's still talking about how glad he is that Clay didn't win. They also talked about how Simon Cowell has decided not to come back for a third season. Robin and Howard both think that will bring and end to the show. Robin's glad about that. Howard also heard that Clay learned ahead of time that he lost because Ryan Seacrest had to have it written down on a card that he saw. Howard said Ryan also got the vote difference wrong. It wasn't 1300 votes it was 130,000.
Howard said he had some ratings finals for the year and CSI came in number one. Joe Millionaire, Friends, American Idol and Survivor followed after that. Howard read that FOX beat ABC in a lot of areas which is pretty amazing.
Howard brought up how he feels like a schmuck for not betting that this chick Annika Sorenstam who's playing in the PGA Tour would make it in. He said the odds were 4-1 that she wouldn't make it in and now there's a good chance that she'll make it in. Howard and Artie wanted to place a bet with Artie's bookie but he'd closed up for the day when they called. Scott DePace was willing to give them 2-1 odds though so he came in and talked to them about that. Howard decided not to bet on it though. Gary came in and said that Scott is mad that this woman is even playing in the PGA Tour. Scott said he's not really mad but he doesn't think she should be playing in the event. Howard asked Scott if he'd be upset if there was a woman playing in major league baseball. He said that's a different thing and he wouldn't be upset. Scott said it's just another ''attack on the male'' and he doesn't like it. Gary said Scott was very upset about it yesterday but he's not as bad today.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that he lost 20 pounds on Slim Fast so it's easy to do. He also said that he interviewed Yoko Ono last night and gave Howard some of the details about that. He told Howard that he asked her about Howard and she said she didn't want to talk about ''people like that'' but she was willing to talk about Mark David Chapman who killed her husband John Lennon. Howard ended up talking about how she's not a very generous person and hasn't helped out Julian Lennon with his money situation. Chaunce said she claims that she told him that Julian got the same amount of money as Sean Lennon did so she doesn't know what he's complaining about. Howard said he'd like to challenge her on that and have his accountant check to see if that's true or not. Chaunce talked about how much hatred Yoko still has for Mark David Chapman. Howard said of course she does because that guy killed a great man. He went on to talk about what a great artist John Lennon was and how it was a great loss when he was killed. Howard said he'd love to kill the guy himself and beat him with his own feet and shove them down his throat. Chaunce said Yoko has a lot of hatred toward Paul McCartney as well. Howard didn't find that surprising either. He said she's the only woman who would bad mouth the people who made her rich. Even Robin got upset about some of the stuff Chaunce was telling them about Yoko. Howard asked Chaunce to stop upsetting him and wanted to get off the phone. Chaunce wanted to get in one plug though so Howard let him do that. He said he's going to be on ''Naked New York'' on the Metro Channel and he falls off a wheel he's being spun around on. Howard took a break shortly after that.
Howard said he had a room full of retards waiting to come in. He said the guys from KUFO out in Portland, Oregon bring Gary the Retard out whenever they need him so he wanted to thank them. Howard took one phone call from a woman who told him how much she loves him but he had to hang up on her because she was so annoying. He played another cover song from the MTV Icon thing. This one was KoRn covering Metallica's ''One.'' Howard said he was honored to have been invited to the show but he thought it would be lame for him to make a speech or something like that. Plus, Sean Penn was there and he has no desire to be in the same room with that guy. Howard said he's noticed that a lot of these ''washed up movie stars'' seem to be jealous of him. He said he met a ''despicable old cow'' of an old actress one time and she gave him a lot of attitude. She made reference to his looks even though she's lost her looks as well. He said he didn't want to get into it because the wounds were too fresh but he claims he went up to her and told her she looked horrible as well. He said he doesn't feel good doing that but he had to do it. Howard said he thinks these celebrities are jealous that he still has an audience and they've lost theirs. Howard said this woman's career is over and her looks are gone. He got back to the MTV Icon show and played Avril Lavigne's cover of ''Fuel.'' Howard said she didn't do horrible but she's really annoying. Howard also played Limp Bizkit's cover of ''Sanitarium'' and said it was good. He played a short clip of that and Snoop Dogg doing ''Sad but True.'' Howard said that just isn't Snoop's thing though.
Howard said he got a card from Mariann from Brooklyn apologizing for doing an appearance somewhere. He said the letter was like a full page and it was an apology for doing this event. Howard gave the letter to Artie to read doing Mariann's voice. Fred threw in the crow cawing sound effect in the background. Artie went overboard doing her voice and wasn't able to follow it all because he couldn't read her handwriting. Mariann called in a short time later and said she didn't know they were going to read it on the air. She told Howard she went on an audition yesterday. Artie wondered if they're making a remake of ''The Crow.'' She said that she auditioned for Tony and Tina's Wedding. That's all she could say at the time though. She cut off herself and hung up before saying more.
Howard took a call from a guy who said last night's E! show with the Miss Butta Face contest was great. Howard said he's thinking of making that game a yearly event on one of these channels where he can show nudity.
Howard had a bunch of voice mails to play. He had a weird one from a guy who was calling in as a gay guy talking about ''American Idol.'' There was also one from Jeff Levy the vomit guy who is still looking for women to vomit on him. Howard said that really turned him off to voice mail. He took a break after playing the call so he could get to Wendy the Retard.
Howard moved on and brought in Wendy the Retard who he's been waiting to meet in person for a long time. He said Wendy wasn't even looking at him when she came in. She was very nervous though. Howard told her not to be nervous, it's just him. Wendy said the trip up was okay but they drove through a big storm. Her brother and mother drove her up. She said she just turned 23 years old last week. KC told Howard that Wendy stayed awake through the whole 20 hour trip up from Florida and counted 25 school busses. Howard asked Wendy if it was true KC raped her before the show today. She always says ''yes'' when Howard asks her stuff like that.
Howard asked Wendy about listening to the radio show and stuff like that. She talked about some of the other DJs she listens to down in Florida. She said one of the shows is trying to get her a job as a regular. She said she's not retarded either, she's a little slow. Wendy told Howard about her cats and stuff like that and said she's never had sex with a man. Howard said she's actually kind of cute. She said she went out with this guy but he cheated on her, by kissing another girl, so she broke up with him. She said she went and kissed another guy on the Monsters of the Midday show on Real Radio 104.1 in Orlando.
Howard asked Wendy if she even knows what sex is. She said she really doesn't but she knows what a penis is. She's never seen one in person though. She said she's not upset that she's never seen one. She doesn't even know anything about sex or how to have babies. No one taught her any of that. She said she doesn't even know what she's not supposed to do. She did know that babies come from ''your privates'' but that was about it. She said she's watched the Discovery Channel but couldn't tell Howard how babies are made. She said she wasn't paying attention while she and her grandmother watched this program. Howard asked her to draw a picture of a penis for him. Meanwhile, Howard said they're going to have Beetlejuice and Gary the Retard in so they can play a game to see who's smarter. She was taking a while to draw the penis picture. Artie said that he thought she was drawing a picture of Sean Penn or something. Wendy eventually finished the picture which was a picture of a man with a penis. Howard said she was a pretty good artist.
Howard brought in Beetlejuice (JollyDwarf.com) and Gary the Retard. He said High Pitch Erik was supposed to come in but he had to work. Beetle was wearing a suit but Gary wasn't. Howard told him he should have worn one as well. Beetlejuice said today was his wife's anniversary. Howard said Wendy looked a little disappointed when she saw Gary the Retard. She said it was something about the headphones, not that he wasn't her type. Howard talked to Gary the Retard for a minute about their trip to Las Vegas. Gary was also apparently yelling at Beetlejuice about how he missed all of the fun out in Vegas. Beetle said he didn't miss any fun, he was ''bartending that night.'' Gary said Beet missed him getting drunk on tequila that night. Beetlejuice insisted that he was bartending and didn't miss a thing though. Wendy was saying that she was finding Gary to be the ''more fun'' person in the room. Beet told her that he's a businessman and that's what he does for a living.
Howard talked to the guys about the women they've had. Beetlejuice gets to bang whores pretty often but Gary the Retard hasn't really had any women. Howard told Wendy that Beetle is more experienced in that way so if she's looking for sex, he might be the one to go with. Wendy was spaced out for a second when Howard was asking her a question. She said she was thinking of Dirty Jim for some reason. Beetlejuice said he does Dirty Jim himself.
Howard asked Wendy if she'd like to sing for them. She said she'd love to do that so they played some ''Macarena'' music. She danced a little and then tried to sing but she was mumbling the words and no really saying anything. Howard thought that Wendy wasn't wearing a bra because she was jiggling around a bit as she danced. She said she was wearing one though.
Howard wanted Beetlejuice to give Gary the Retard a chance to talk since Beet was stealing the spotlight. Howard let Wendy choose who she wanted to go on a date with after that. She quickly picked Gary and said she picked him because he has the most talent. Howard asked her if she picked him because he's white and not black. She admitted that had something to do with it. She said her mother wants her to date her own type.
Howard said Beetlejuice has hooked up with this woman known as Babyjuice. He brought her in and said she's even shorter than Beetle. They'll be making appearances together this weekend at the Foggy Goggle out on Long Island. Howard heard that they're married but Robin didn't believe that. She wanted to see them kiss. Babyjuice wasn't into that though. She said she's only 3'10'' tall. When Howard said Beetlejuice is taller, he said ''I'm 6'5''!''
Howard was going to play ''Who's Smarter'' with the guys but decided it would take too long. He spent a little longer talking to Wendy and Gary the Retard. Howard asked them if they were going to use bumpers when they go bowling. Neither of them wanted to do that so there should be plenty of gutter balls. Wendy sang a little Britney Spears song before Howard ended the segment. Robin wondered when Wendy's mother told her not to go out with blacks. Wendy told them that she did that before they drove up from Florida. They figured she must have found out that Beet was going to be on the show and told her not to pick him. They asked her some questions about what was wrong with black people but she didn't really have an answer. Howard told Wendy he hopes she has a good time out with Gary the Retard. He also wished her luck with her singing career. She kept asking Howard if he would play this remix from one of the DJs. Howard told her to tell this guy to stop using her because he felt like he was pressuring her to push this CD. Wendy told Howard that if you want to see pictures of her you can check her out on WTKS.com or at MelissaFoxx.com. She rambled on and on about some other stuff before Howard had to end the segment.
Howard said there was a picture of Jewel in the paper today and she's looking good these days shaking her ass up on stage on ''American Idol.''
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone to play his gossip game. He was calling in from England again. Mike said that over there they call Justin Timberlake ''Justin Trousersnake'' for some reason that he can't figure out. Mike also pointed out to Benjy that he may be mistaking something about urine being germ free but that area down there is dirty. That's why they have signs up in bathrooms asking people to wash their hands.
Howard had Mike play his game so here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard had a new Mr. Skin Minute to play this morning. In the weekly clips the guy from MrSkin.com tells us about the latest nudity in new movies and DVD releases. This week he brought up the movie ''Bruce Almighty'' and how Jim Carrey's character inflates Jennifer Aniston's boobs but they never come out of her shirt. He said it more eloquently by saying there is ''No popped top on Miss Pitt's peaches.'' Mr. Skin went on to say that they sent some ''Skinterns'' over to the Cannes Film Festival and in the movie ''The Brown Bunny'' Chloe Sevigny gives a 3 minute session of oral sex to Vincent Gallo. He said it's like a full Jenna Jameson-type oral sex scene being done in a main stream movie. You can find pictures and more info over at MrSkin.com
Howard had a few audio clips to play. He had tape of Clay from ''American Idol'' talking about how he might have a girl moving in with him but she's just going to be a roommate. In the clip Clay tells the interviewer that it's one of the girls from the show and that she shouldn't worry, they're going to have separate rooms. Howard and Robin said of course they'll have separate rooms, anything else would have surprised them.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy mentioned that the winner of the Miss Butta Face contest looked like she'd run the 100 yard dash that was only 90 yards long with a brick wall at the end. He also said that he thinks Chloe Sevigny is a butter face. Howard agreed but said he'd do her anyway. The caller said he'd do her as well. The caller also brought up how disgusting Benjy is because he doesn't clean his hands. That led to the guys talking to him about that for a few minutes. Benjy was asking Howard if he thinks you should wash your hands after you pick your nose. Howard still sounded really annoyed by him and didn't want to answer him. He eventually told Benjy that he has a bottle of hand cleanser there in the studio that he can disinfect his hands with if he picks his nose during the show. Stuttering John kept bringing up this story about how Benjy didn't wash his hands after dooting in the bathroom last year. Benjy didn't want to talk about it and turned it around on John saying that he once told him that he gave an STD to some girl intentionally. John didn't know what he was talking about though. John admitted that he did give crabs to a girl one time but that's not an STD. He said he didn't even know that he had them at the time. John said that he had the crab lotion to get rid of them and rubbed it in when they were taking a shower. He didn't tell her what the lotion was for though. Howard wondered if John washed his hands after doing that. John said ''Yes I did.'' Gary and Stuttering John talked about some of the other disgusting things Benjy has done over the years. John mentioned him giving oral to a stripper at a bachelor party. Gary said a girl did a number 1 on Benjy at that same party but Benjy didn't remember that happening. Howard said he'd never let a girl do that to him because it's disgusting. He said it was enough of that already and took a break so they could get to the news, end the show and get on with their Memorial Day weekend.