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Howard started the show taking a call from a guy who asked about the NRA meeting that took place over the weekend. He said they don't want any changes to their policy but every amendment has a tweak here and there. Howard said he spent his weekend obsessing over Sarah Palin. He said that the NRA thing took place in Texas somewhere. He thought it was Houston. Howard said Palin was out there spouting ridiculous statements the whole weekend. Howard said she was just trying to appease the NRA members. Howard said what upsets him most about these nimrods is that they're against gun registration. He said he's not sure why they'd be against that. Howard said they're against background checks too. He said they say it's all about the second amendment but you need a license to do anything like fishing and driving in this country. He said they're worried about the North Korean's invading or something but we're fucked either way if that happens.
Robin said that background checks could be used politically. She said they do have a point. Howard said he doesn't think that the forefathers could have predicted the insanity of this whole thing. He said that they were protecting rights for muskets back then.
Howard said this whole thing drove him crazy this weekend. Howard said the other thing that made him nuts was Governor Huckabee who was going on about the abortion thing. Howard said he's not sure how many kids Huckabee has adopted. He said there are a lot of children who are unwanted out there and he's not helping. Howard said he's all for babies being born but we need someone to take care of them. Howard said he's not going to do it. Howard said he's not even sure if Huckabee took care of his own.
Howard said all he did was sleep this weekend. He said that when you do morning radio he gets up at 4 in the morning. He said he was up at 2 today. He said he has to go to Chicago tomorrow and then do AGT on Wednesday. He said he gets sick working like this. He said that he tries to explain to them that they have to use time more judiciously. He said they're doing more taping now than they did last season.
Howard said he slept until 11 in the morning on Sunday. He said he went to bed at 11 and slept until 11. He said he missed all of his cartoons and everything. Howard said he missed all of his shows.
Howard thanked the caller and let him go. Howard took another call from a guy who said Howard has guns himself. Howard said that of course he does. He said he's not lying about it. He said he believes in the registration of guns and things like that. The caller said that if they take away one gun then we're in trouble. Howard said they're not taking guns away. Howard told the guy to get lost. He said he's not going to debate with anyone. He said this is the Howard Stern Show and he's not going to debate anyone.
Howard said he has a gun but he's never had to use it. He said that by the time you pull a gun out it's too late anyway.
Howard said we're all going to drop dead anyway. He said that he regularly does drills to prepare for the North Korean invasion.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he thinks about Miley Cyrus being on the Maxim top 100 hot chick list. Howard said he doesn't think she's the most beautiful girl in the world. He said she looks odd. The caller said she has a weird hair cut.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he thinks Sarah Palin is so hot and he just starts stroking it to her even though he doesn't listen to what she says. Howard said she is hot. He asked if he thinks she has implants. The caller said he doesn't think so and he thinks she has a big bush. Howard said he imagines she shaves down there. Howard said she shaves everything. The caller didn't think so. Howard said she's a girl though. The caller told him not to worry about what she says because she's so hot. Howard said that's ridiculous.
Howard said they have a big Subway talent show today. He said they have people coming up from the subway to perform in the studio. He said they have 3 people coming in.
Howard had some audio of Sarah Palin that they edited. They had her talking about getting crabs from Senator Ted Stevens and crazy things like that. Howard said they took her book and edited it. He said they did the same thing with Al Gore's audio book. He played one of those too.
Howard said Sal must not be getting laid. Sal said he didn't want to talk about it. Howard asked when he last got laid. Sal said he got a handy recently. He said his wife is too tired. Howard told him it's so over. Sal said it's not and it's actually going good. Sal said he had to put her hand down there though. Howard asked what's so good about it if he thinks it's good. Sal said he got laid about 3 weeks ago. Howard said he's making that up. Sal said he can't get into this. He said he has enough problems at home and this isn't going to help.
Howard said Richard would probably jerk him off. Howard said he has to have a problem if he's into the Tan Mom. Sal said she doesn't look so bad. He said she's shaved and she has that skimpy bikini. Howard said she looks like Richard in a bikini. Sal said that might be why he likes her.
Howard said Sal is out of his mind lately with this Long Island Psychic woman. He said he keeps pitching her to appear on the show. Howard asked if he knows her or something. Sal said he has met the husband. Howard said he knows how he feels about psychics. Sal said he thinks that he can get Howard to change his mind. Howard said he's an imbecile. Sal said that she was really good with people out in the audience. Howard laughed and said that if she has 3000 people in a venue she's bound to find someone that she can guess at. Sal said she would blow Howard away. Howard said he's told him no and he won't let it go. Sal said he has been fascinated with Mediums his whole life.
Howard told Sal to predict what he's thinking right now. Sal said ''I'm an idiot.'' Howard said no but he was close. He said he's thinking that he should get out of the studio now. Gary asked Sal if he's getting any monetary benefit from this family. Sal swore on his kids that he isn't. He said that she'd be very apprehensive about coming in. He said that she knows Howard would be a tough interview.
Gary told Howard that they sat Sal down and told him how it works with those mediums and Sal said he gets it but then he says this stuff like he doesn't get it.
Sal said that this lady is absolutely fascinating. Howard said he'll pick a homeless guy from the street and ask her to tell him his name and then he'll believe it. Howard said if she can do that then he'll believe her. Howard said it's not going to happen.
Gary came in and said that Will did talk to her. He said that she wanted 45 minutes alone with the person they brought in and she told the that they can't just bring a stranger in. Howard asked Sal what he thinks about that. Sal said that's interesting. Howard said if Sal would just listen to him about everything his whole life would go a lot better. Sal said he does listen to about 99 percent. Howard said that 1 percent is the area that gets him in trouble. Howard said when he listens everything is fine. Sal said he thinks that she would be a fascinating guest. Howard said they will never have her in there. He said they have no interest in that. Sal said that he gets that but if she's listening and she thinks 45 minutes with the person is wrong then maybe she'll change that.
Gary said Sal is really obsessed with this woman. He said he tweeted her the other day about her appearance on Ellen. Sal said he went to see her show and he lost it a bunch of times and he was crying. He said he had to dab his eyes with tissues. Gary said that's the kind of person who fall for that stuff. Gary also said the song ''Cats in the Cradle'' makes him cry. Sal said that he's a good father and that song makes him feel emotions for his kids. Sal said he wants the psychic to tell him if he has any siblings out there that he doesn't know about. He said it's possible because he's known of at least one.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sal is out of his mind with this psychic thing. Howard said that Houdini tried this with his wife. They had a secret password between them and the wife went to every psychic she could trying to find out what that word was and no one knew what it was. Howard said they aren't real. Howard said when Sal thinks it doesn't work.
Howard told Sal goodbye. He said that he has to get back to the Al Gore book clips. Fred played ''Cats in the Cradle'' so Howard told Sal to stick around. He asked if he was going to cry. Sal said he won't. Howard tried to get him to think about his kids to get him to cry. They were joking around too much though so Sal wasn't crying.
Howard got back to the Al Gore audio book clips. They had Gore saying all kinds of wacky things. Howard said that sounds like a great book. He said he has a million political stories. Howard played a couple of clips where he was saying insane stuff. Howard said they're edited clips for those who think they're real.
Howard said he likes Benjy but he won't put up with his lateness. Howard said Gary said that Benjy continues to cut it so close in the morning. He said he shows up like 4 minutes before he has to. Howard said he should be there 20 minutes early. He said Benjy refuses. He said he feels like it would be giving in or something.
Howard played a clip from last week's Wrap Up Show where they were talking to Benjy about showing up just in time for work. Benjy said he has calculated his time to get there. Howard said he does a good job on the show but he does cut it close. Howard said he felt they were being a bit rough on him.
Howard said last week was a busy week. He said they were talking about Ralph's massage too. He said the boys went out and asked people on the street if it's gay for a man to get a massage from a male masseuse. Howard played some of the answers they got on the street. One guy said that the guy must be gay. He said next time it should be a female. Howard played a ''Ralph is so Gay'' song parody after that. Howard said that was from Eli Braden.
Howard played more of the interviews Sal and Richard did on the street. They had another guy saying that it was gay. They also asked about the gay basketball player that just came out. The guy didn't think that was going to work either.
Howard said they had a lot of fun with Ralph's massage. Howard said Gary got like a series of 10 massages from a man. Howard said he enjoyed it too. Howard played a clip of Gary talking about that on the Wrap Up Show last week. In that clip Sal said that would be like taking a blow job from a dude just because he had one in the vicinity. Gary said they figured that Sal's new word is ''Vicinity'' because he's been using it a lot lately.
Howard said that Ronnie was talking about anal last week so Eli Braden wrote a song parody about that. Howard played that too. Howard said that Fred should keep that one around too.
Howard read about King of All Blacks in the email and how disgusting it was when he sniffed a woman's foot. Howard read that Benjy had tasted his own cum. Howard said that was making him want to vomit. Benjy said that everyone has tasted their own. Benjy said he tasted some that ended up on his hand. Howard said he's going to puke. Benjy said he's sure he tried it when he was growing up. Fred said he has never tried that. Benjy said he's sure that most guys have. Howard and Fred hadn't. Howard said he's back in the Benjy vortex. He asked Fred to play the song but he didn't have it.
Howard read some email about Game of Thrones. The writer said that he's right about the show being hard to understand at times. He agreed with him about last week's show here the one guy was hard to hear. Howard said a lot of people on that show are annoying.
Howard said he loves the show Spartacus but he can't get season 3. Howard said he's willing to buy it but it's not available. Robin said they had 5 seasons and they were out. Howard said there are only 3. Robin said there were 5 seasons. Howard said there are only 3. JD came in and told Howard he's right. Robin was wrong.
Howard said he was also watching Strike Force and he can't get all of that either. He said he's ready to buy. He said he wants the next season but they won't sell it to him. Howard said he wants it. Howard said he needs shows to watch on his way to Chicago tomorrow. He told JD to make it happen.
Robin told Howard to check out the show Banshee. Howard said it didn't sound like his kind of thing when Robin explained it. Robin told Howard to check out Hunted. Gary told Howard that JD just said that's no good. Howard said he's going to trust JD. He said JD lives like him like a hermit. Howard said he needs a whole season of something to watch. Robin said Boss is good. Howard told JD to give him something. He said he heard that Deadwood was good. JD didn't think Howard would like that. Gary told Howard to check out House of Lies. Howard said he doesn't want to see that. JD said it's just alright. Howard said he doesn't want to see people reorganizing. JD said he'd do some research for him. Howard told him to do that.
Howard said he hates the Boston bombers like everyone else. He said he can't say the names of those murderers. Howard said he calls them Cocksucker who's going to rot in hell number 1 and number 2. Howard said he was reading about the friends who destroyed evidence for him and all of that. He said that he doesn't have any friends who would do that for him. Howard said this kid, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, has friends who are willing to cover up for him. Robin said she would cover up if he didn't do something horrible like bomb people. Howard said that's his point. He said she's not going to cover up for him.
Howard said they have Ross the Intern coming in today. Howard said he doesn't think he still works with Jay Leno. Howard said he loves that they're getting rid of Jay. He said they also have the Subway talent show coming up. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said they make a Broadway show out of everything. He said they're bringing Rocky to Broadway. He said they're bringing Schindler's List too. He played a bit they created about the Schindler's List play coming to Broadway.
Howard said Ross Mathews is there. He said he doesn't want to be called ''Ross the Intern'' anymore. Howard said that Ross has a book out called ''Man Up!: Tales of My Delusional Self-Confidence.'' Howard said that they had it down wrong though. He said they have it as ''self-considence.''
Howard said that the last time Ross was on they had people asking who that chick was on the show. Howard said he has a very unique voice.
Howard said Chelsea Handler says that he was a virgin when she met him. Howard asked when he first had sex with a woman. Ross said he used to be into girls and he even ate a girl out. He said he knew he was gay when he saw that down there. He said that it was the visual that got to him. He said a bell went off in his head when he saw that.
Howard said Ross says that he's a big influence on his life. Ross said that he watches Howard TV every day with his partner. He said that he's listening right now. Howard asked if he's having anal with that guy. Ross said that he is. Howard said Chelsea must be wrong about him then. Ross said she's not really.
Howard asked Ross about how Chelsea convincing him that it was okay to take his clothes off in front of his boyfriend. Ross said that he makes sure that no one else will see him with his clothes off. He said that he locks the gate if they're in the pool. Howard asked if he's ever tried to get super ripped. Ross said he doesn't think that's possible. He said that the voice wouldn't really fit either.
Howard said that voice is very unique. He said it's always sounded that way. Ross said that he has sounded that way since he was like 5. Howard asked how girls didn't know he was gay. Ross said it was a different time. He said he felt different at 14 though.
Ross told Howard he's getting his own talk show in the fall. He said they're going to do it weekly. Howard said that Chelsea Handler helped with that. Ross said she did. He said he loves gossip so he's going to be doing that.
Howard said he was watching The Soup last night when he got up at 2 in the morning. He said they tear down pop culture on that show. Ross said they do and he likes that show too.
Howard said Ross became friendly with Gwyneth Paltrow and became her best friend. Ross said he did. He said he was in his dorm room and he got an email from her. He said he has had so many crazy things happen to him in his life. He said that's why he wrote this book.
Howard asked Ross how long he was emailing Gwyneth. Ross said it was like 6 months. He said that he called her bluff and said they should go to lunch. He said they went to The Ivy and that's a big thing. He said he walked up and told the host he was there for Gwyneth Paltrow. He said he was blown away when she showed up. He said that he loved her. Howard said gay men love beautiful women. Howard asked what's up with that. Ross said he can't figure that out. He said he loves big boned women too. Howard said he got fired from Lane Bryant which is a store for heavy set women. Ross said he did. He got fired for stealing. He said it's mortifying that he had to put that in his book. He said he had a new boss who thought like ''fuck the corporate man'' so he was like ''yeah, fuck the corporate man'' and he stole something. Ross said he put something in his bag one day and the next morning he got a call asking him to come in. He said they had a bald guy waiting for him saying that they had footage of him walking out of there with something. He said they didn't call the police on him but he had to bring the pajama bottoms back. Ross said he knows the woman got fired too but he didn't squeal. He said he got sucked into the whole thing.
Howard said that Ross has written a book called ''Man Up!: Tales of My Delusional Self-Confidence.'' Ross said this isn't just a gay story. He said you waste so much time if you worry about anything about the way you are.
Howard asked Ross if he has big balls. Ross said he's fine. He said he has about 6 inches too. He said no one wants to hear about that though. Howard said he heard he has 7 inches. Ross said he'll go with that.
Howard said High Pitch Mike ran into Ross in Miami and he had the whole floor of a hotel. Ross said that's not quite true. He said that he doesn't splurge very much. He said he started making some money on Leno but it was really nothing. He said it was like $300 a week. He said that he just didn't ask for enough. Ross said he has saved a lot of money and he's probably close to being a millionaire if you add up everything he has.
Howard asked Ross where he makes his money. Ross said he has a deal at E! and if the talk show goes well he'll do well there. He said he has a good book deal too. Howard said he should have taken a big advance on that. Ross said he has confidence in it. He said Chelsea Handler published it. Howard said she's become quite a mogul. Ross said she has. He said that he has guest hosted her show for her. He said he loves her. Howard asked what he does for fun with Chelsea. Ross said that they will do dinner and things like that.
Howard asked Ross if he networks with people. Ross said he really doesn't. He said that he stays home and goes to bed by 10. He said he watches a lot of Howard TV. He said he and Salvador are going to get married eventually. Ross said that he thinks that they'll eventually have gay marriage legalized in California. He said he would rather get married there when they can.
Howard asked Ross if he's a power bottom. Ross said no. He said he pictures him that way. Robin asked if he's a top. Ross said he's not like ''Give it!'' or anything.
Howard said he likes the title of his book. He said the definition of a man doesn't have to be one way. Ross said he is taking care of his family and he's doing a good job. He said he's self made. Ross said there are 8,500 signed copies out there and they're available in all Target stores. Howard said he likes that stores like that are getting on board. Howard said they're making the gay image more main stream and no one will have to hide in a closet. Ross said he's proud of the gay person he is. Howard said he's not trying to trick a straight woman into having a life with him.
Howard said when Ross was 24 or 25 he had never had sex with a man. He asked if Salvador was the first man to enter him. Ross said he doesn't do it that much but yes, they have done that. Howard asked if there was doody. Ross said there was no doody. He said it didn't go great though. Ross said that it doesn't feel great at first. He wondered why people are so obsessed with anal. Howard said Ronnie knows how to get it done. Howard said he's said that you have to ease it in.
Howard said Ross is romantic and doesn't want to talk about sex. Howard asked if Salvador is a twink. Ross said he is thin and lean. He said he's gorgeous. Ross said that Salvador is obsessed with Beth too. Howard said everyone is.
Howard asked Ross about his parents and if they were accepting of his lifestyle. Ross said his dad was and he wrote about him in the book. He said that he's not around and he never got to meet Salvador. He said he talks to his mom like 8 times a day.
Howard asked Ross about meeting Gwyneth Paltrow and how he was freaking out the first time. He said she told him to give it 10 minutes and he'd get over it. He said she was right. Howard said she was cruel too though. She pointed at his belly and asked what was going on there. Ross said she was right to do that because he did end up losing weight. Howard said he thinks that's a loving thing. He said that she wants him to stay around forever so she told him he should lose some weight.
Howard asked Ross about hanging out at Gwyneth Paltrow's house and who has been there. Ross said he's not sure he should talk about it. He said he's been there and it was like being at a Governor's Ball. Howard said it's exciting. He said he goes to the Jimmy Kimmel parties and has the same kind of thing going on. Ross said he just thinks that it's happening to someone from Mt. Vernon and it's just wild. Ross said he saw Reese Witherspoon at the party and he was very well behaved. Howard asked about the Reese Witherspoon video that's on the web where she gets arrested. Howard asked if he watched that. Ross said he watched it about 4 times. Howard said he watched it about 10 times.
Howard gave Ross some plugs for his book and told people not to call him Ross the Intern anymore. Howard said the book is coming out tomorrow. He said you can find it in Target stores. Howard said Ross is doing stand-up now too. Ross said that he does pop culture stuff and brings some of his book to life. He said he'll stay and sign every book too. Howard asked if he gets feedback about the show to make sure it's working. Ross said he has a friend who writes with him and if she likes it then it's working. Howard said the book is good for everyone too. Ross thanked Howard for even looking through the book. Howard said he read that he's a Seattle Seahawks fan so that's kind of gay right there. Ross said just own who you are and enjoy what you enjoy.
Howard said he was curious to read about going on the Tonight Show and how he had a hole in his pants. Ross said he got the pants at a thrift store and he spent the whole night practicing crossing his legs the day before.
Howard said he thought Jay was gay for mixing denim clothes the way he does. Ross said that is definitely not gay. Ross said Jay came to his big party and he said if he had a son he would want him to be just like him. Ross said he had a bunch of celebrities at his party. He mentioned Lisa Rinna. Howard asked if her upper lip is under control. Ross said she looks great. Howard said he saw her on Celebrity Apprentice and it looks like it's still out of control. Ross said she looks great.
Howard asked Ross who the guy was that he said he beat off to when he was a kid. Ross said he loves Justin Timberlake. Howard said he beats off to him, right? Ross said everyone does. Howard asked Robin if she does. Robin said no.
Howard asked Ross how he thinks that night would go with Justin. Ross came up with a story and had him coming back to his house after he meets him at dinner. Howard wanted to hear more but Ross didn't think it would be good of Howard got him hard at this time of morning. Howard asked if he's ever tasted his own sperm. Ross said no. Howard told him that Benjy has. Ross said that's gross. He said he has tasted Salvador's but not his own. Howard said it would never even occur to him to do that.
Howard said Ross has said it all and he's probably said too much. Ross said he probably has. Howard said this is quite an accomplishment to have his own book. Ross said he knew he would some day. He said he knew he would have a talk show too. He said no one else did but he did.
Ross told Howard that he has a web site called ReadManUp.com. You can also follow him at @HelloRoss on Twitter. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later. They went to break after that.
Howard said he's heard from a few friends out in Chicago who want to get together. Howard said he's not sure how he could do it. He said he's working morning into night. Howard said he's at work all day long.
Howard asked Robin to tell him if she thinks this is a good idea for a contest. He played a bit they created for The Hottest Chick in a Coma Beauty Pageant. Howard asked Robin what she thinks. She said that's ridiculous.
Howard said they had Evil Dave on last week. He said he had a lot of email from the fans about him. Howard said he's lying and not one person said he was great. Howard said they just didn't comment on him. Howard said Dave is rarely on because he's never let out of the house. He said Abe Kanan went out to get him in the middle of the night. He said they have to shine flashlights in a parking lot. Howard said he should have Abe on to talk about that. He said they should film it for Howard TV. He said it's a whole thing with Dave.
Howard said Abe has to help Dave rehearse his lines. He said they have to get him potato chips for the show too. Howard said he has some tape of him eating the chips. Howard said this is no joke. He played audio of Dave eating the chips and said he takes the chips home with him.
Howard played a clip of Dave rehearsing his lines and he kept getting the ''condolence'' line wrong. He got it wrong multiple times. Dave got the line right eventually but then when he got on air he screwed it up again. Howard said he had a problem with Kim Jong Un too. Howard played audio of Abe trying to help him out with that. Dave kept trying to get the name right but he kept screwing it up. Abe would correct him and Dave would say it right but then he'd read his line and get it wrong again. He said it wrong about 50 times in the clip Howard played.
Howard said this show isn't that easy to produce. He said this is a guy who eats potato chips at 2 in the morning. Robin liked the clip of Dave eating chips and saying ''Mmm'' in there.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she didn't know who that woman or man was that he interviewed. She said that there was no intro for it. She said that Howard was just talking and she had no idea who it was. Howard said he was thinking it was pretty clear saying it was Ross the Intern. She said that it just went from break to the interview.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that interview sucked. He said that it seems like you have to be a Jew or a gay guy to get on the show. Howard said they just had Mike Tyson on the show. The guy said something about Sarah Silverman and how they have to bring back other stuff like Jackie the Joke Man and Evil Dave. Howard said they just had Dave on. The caller said he knows. Howard hung up on him. He said he can't do a show for each listener. He said maybe some day they can do that but not yet.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's going to be in Chicago this week. Howard said he is. The caller wanted tickets. Howard said he'll get Gary on that. He said that's it though. He said you can get tickets on the AGT web site (Get them, free, here).
Howard said he saw in the paper about stars who were like divas and what they have in their contracts. He said Beyonce demands red toilet paper. He said he didn't think she even shit. He said that she must only produce roses. Robin said maybe that's why she wants red toilet paper. Robin said that's a dye and that can't be good for you.
Howard said he read about Lindsay Lohan going into rehab and then leaving after like 5 minutes. He said that's crazy.
Howard read about the Knicks beating the Celtics. Howard said he doesn't usually follow it that closely. Howard said he doesn't have time to go to any games. He said that he'd love to go but he doesn't have a life. He said he hasn't been in the gym in a month. He said he's the fattest he's been in a long time. He said he gained 13 pounds. Robin said he's hiding it pretty well. Howard said he doesn't have time to run or do anything. Howard said he has to take a break so they can start the subway talent show.
Howard said the boys took some audio of him asking about penis size and called a radio show. He played the clip and they had Howard asking the host if he was thick. The host hung up on him. Then he took another call and Sal called in as Mike Morales and then asked how big his cock is. The host said this is what this clown has to do. He told him to get a job. He said he must be part of the competition. The host took another call and Sal asked if he was six inches. The host sounded really frustrated after all of that. Howard read a live commercial and then went to break.
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Howard came back and Fred played a clip of Ross Mathews saying ''Ding dong'' a few times. Howard said they went down to the subways and found three contestants for this contest. Howard said Robin is going to be a judge. Howard said Gary, JD, Ronnie and Fred will be judges too.
Howard had the first contestant come in. His name was Gichi Dan. Howard asked when he started out in the subway. Dan said he's been down there since 2000. Dan is 73 years old. Howard asked if he ever had a shot at the big time. Dan said he makes a living doing his singing in the subway. He said he can make a few dollars doing that. Dan said he's had to fight some people down there too. Howard asked if he's ever performed in a club. Dan said he did perform at the Cotton Club about 2 years ago. Howard said that was something else it its day.
Howard said he read that George Benson asked him to perform with him but he lost his phone number. Dan said that's right. Howard said he could have been on Benson's album. Dan said he has known him for a while. Howard said maybe they can find him again and get him his number so he can lose it again.
Howard asked Dan about picking cotton for a living. Dan said he was making like $16 for 400 pounds. He said that was for a whole day. Howard said with slavery at least you got a few meals thrown in. Howard said that's not that much money.
Howard said Dan is up against two other acts. He said they have a $5,000 grand prize for the winner. Howard said that the contest is sponsored by Trojan condoms. Howard asked Dan if he's still getting laid. Dan said he is. He said they come to his house. Howard said he has a house for Robin to go to. Howard asked if he has a couple of women. Dan said he calls them up and tells them to come on over. Howard asked if he was ever married. Dan said he was married once. He said that they separated. Howard asked who split. Dan said she did. Howard asked if he still loves her. Dan said he guesses so. He said he saw her about 3 months ago. Howard said if he wins today then she might come back around. Dan said she does love money. Howard asked Dan if he has any kids. Dan said he has two and one of them is outside.
Howard asked Dan what he's going to be doing today. Dan said he's going to perform Otis Redding's ''Try a Little Tenderness.'' Howard had him perform the song. He played a track for him to sing to. After he performed everyone applauded him. Howard said he did some old school stuff there. JD was giggling at him so Howard asked what he was doing. JD said he wasn't doing anything. Howard said that was real soul singing. He said he did a beautiful job.
Howard asked what kind of money he can make in the subway. Dan said he can make 100-200 for 2-3 hours of work. Howard asked if he sings with that intensity down there. Dan said he does. He said he can hear himself down there. He said he doesn't use a microphone or headphones in the subway.
Howard said the second contestant is Annette Taylor. Howard said she's the Soul Queen of the Subway. Howard said hello to her and said she must be dangerous down there. He said she's a good looking woman. Annette said that she feels that the crowd of people protect her down there. She said that she has had people approach her in not respectful ways. She said she always has someone looking out for her though. She said she has people tell her that she can't sing too. She said she gets all kinds of advice down there. She said she only performs on the platforms and mezzanines. She doesn't sing in the subway cars. She said she likes performing on the platforms but she's been arrested for that. Howard asked Dan if he has been too. Dan said he has. Howard said that's just for singing. Annette said that it's just overnight. She said that it's not too bad. Howard asked if jail is bad. She said it's not pleasant. She said she's never been attacked in jail or anything though.
Annette said that she's been doing this for 20 years. She said she's a recording artist and she made an album. She said that she can make the kind of money that Dan mentioned. She said she has gotten $100 bills as tips. Howard said that Annette is going to be singing ''I Never Loved a Man the Way I Love You.'' He got in some plugs for Trojan and asked if Annette is having sex. She said she's really not. She said she hasn't met the right man. Howard said he should introduce her to Gichi Dan. She said they cross paths a lot of times down there. She said they've met. Robin asked if anyone has ever grabbed her bag. Annette said that happened once but they backed off pretty quickly.
Annette told Howard that she doesn't let anyone make change anymore. She said that she was trustworthy but the people took money. She said she makes all the change now. She said she has street smarts now. Howard had Annette perform her song. She sang to a track and performed Aretha Franklin's song ''I Never Loved a Man the Way I Love You.''
After the song Howard asked why she hasn't tried out for any talent shows. She said she did try out for Star Search. She said they wouldn't take her. Howard said that was beautiful. Howard said she has some real talent there. Gary said they should break before the next act. They have a band coming in so they have to set up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has respect for these guys. He asked if they could do a duet because he could listen to them all day. Howard said they have two great performers there.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he loves Gichi Dan. He said he sees him in the subway all the time and he loves him.
Jeff the Drunk called in an said that Annette was lovely. He said she has the voice of a bird. Fred said Jeff has a brain of a bird. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that everyone is loving it. Howard got in some more plugs for Trojan and took a call from a guy who said that Howard has been complaining about people ripping him off so he should patent this immediately. Howard said he's right.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she heard Annette sing and she's amazing. Howard said she is terrific. Howard said the fans are going wild for her. Annette thanked her for that.
Howard said they have the third and final contestant coming up. Howard said they have Gypsy Train next. Howard spoke to Gypsy Joe about his band. Howard said it seems to him it must be harder to make money with four guys. Joe said they do split it but they have no problem making their rent. Howard said it has to be a tough life. Joe said it is for solo artists. He said playing on a platform will just walk away. He said if you're playing on a car it's hard for people to ignore them.
Howard said they have two guitars, a drum and a lead singer. Howard said they perform in the subway cars with the whole band. Howard said that's crazy. They have battery powered amps that they use to walk around. Joe said that they can walk away from the amp which they leave near the door. Howard said that people must get annoyed. He asked if people yell at them. Joe said he's had 4 or 5 bad experiences. Joe said one time he had a guy pushing him off the train car. He said he got the guy pushing him out and caught him on camera and turned him in.
Howard asked if they've been arrested. Joe said they get a lot of tickets for using the amps without headphones. He said he hasn't been arrested. Annette said they just haven't run across that cop who will arrest them.
Howard spoke to one of the guys, Tomorrow, who said that he has been arrested. He said that he has been doing it longer than Joe. He said he met Joe on the subway and he had to get him in the group. He said they started playing together and now they're in a group. He said they hit it off.
Robin asked what they can make. Joe said they can make about $140-150 each. They said that they made about 300 each on Christmas Eve. They work 3-4 hours and make between 125 and 150 each. Howard asked about where they live. Joe said he and one of the guys have an apartment together. Howard asked if they worry they'll get sick and not have health insurance or anything. Howard asked if they have a game plan. Joe said he doesn't. He said he had to get a tooth pulled and he went to NYU to let the students practice on him. He said it went well actually. He said they charge you but not as much as a regular dentist. Howard said it doesn't sound like an easy life. Joe said it's not that bad. He said they enjoy things that a lot of people can't enjoy.
Howard asked Joe what they're going to perform today. Joe said they're going to do ''Hooked on a Feeling'' by B.J. Thomas. Howard asked about the best tips they've gotten. Joe said one guy sat and watched them perform on a subway car for 20 minutes and gave them $100.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he wishes he wouldn't encourage this behavior. He said these people are annoying. He said he might want to read or something on the subway and these people are annoying. Joe said that the attitudes like that are a very small minority. Howard had the guys perform their song. Gypsy Train did their cover of ''Hooked on a Feeling.''
After the song Howard said that it's crazy what's going on in the subway. He said that they were really good. Robin said she can tell that they love music. Howard said they look like they're having fun doing it. Howard said that's what's going on down in the subway. He said they have a whole fucking thing going on down there.
Howard said it's time to judge. Howard said this is not fun. He said that they all have unique talent. Howard said Joe could retire with 5 grand. Joe said it'll actually let him travel to Washington and take his family out to their first Phish concert. Howard asked if he's nuts following Phish.
Howard went over the acts they just saw. He took a call from a guy who asked if the chick has big tits. Howard asked what size Annette is. She said she's a C. The caller asked if she has a big bush. Howard said he would never ask a woman that. Annette said she never gives out that information.
Howard said that he's going to JD for his vote first. JD has been in the subway and he has had the same thoughts as Ralph at times. JD said he had to think about who he would want to hear from more. He said it was between Dan and Annette. He said he loved Dan's style but he has to choose Annette. Howard said she's in the lead with the first vote.
Howard said he's going to Ronald J. Mund next. Howard asked what he thinks. Ronnie said Dan started off rough but then he was good in the second half. He said Annette was very good and the guys in the band need to change their lead singer. He said they need a better singer. Howard thought he was terrific. Ronnie said he's going to give his vote to Annette.
Howard asked the band what they thought about Ronnie's opinion. The singer said that hurt. He said it was early in the morning though.
Howard moved on to Gary. Gary said he loved them all. He said that Dan was intense. He said he loved Annette's voice too so he's giving his vote to her.
Howard went to Robin next. Robin said it was very pleasant. She said it was great to hear what's going on in the subway. She said that they laid their hearts out for them this morning. Robin said she is going to vote for Annette. Annette thanked her for that. Howard said that Dan is upset about Robin's vote. Howard asked if Dan would throw her out of the subway for that. Dan said no.
Howard asked Fred who he would give his vote to. Fred said Gypsy Train was good and he would have liked to have heard an original song. Fred said that Annette was very good too but he thinks that he'd give his vote to Gichi Dan. He said that it's not easy to sing with headphones in an environment like this. He said Ronnie didn't seem to understand that. Ronnie didn't give a shit.
Howard said he would have voted for Annette. He said he loved Dan and Gypsy Train. He said Annette is the winner. She won $5,000. Howard asked what she's going to do with that money. She said she's working on a CD so most of it will go toward that. She's also going to get her driver's license and go visit her mom. Howard told her to slow down with that. He said she's got it all spent already. Howard said Dan and Gypsy Train won $500 each. Howard wrapped up and thanked everyone for participating. Howard said the money is from Trojan condoms. He congratulated Annette and asked if she's going to work. She said she's going to take a month off now. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he heard that Molly Shannon has a crush on him. Howard said he'd appreciate that more people admit that on TV. Howard played a clip where Molly admitted to the crush. Molly was asked who her celebrity crush was and she thought for a moment and then said Hugh Grant and then said she loves Howard Stern. Molly said she's a big fan and she listens every day in the car. Howard said that was a good answer. Howard said Molly used to be on Saturday Night Live. He said she wants him deep inside like a lot of women. Robin said that a lot of women won't admit that.
Howard said he emailed Robin yesterday and asked if she got the message. Robin said she didn't get it. Howard said he was out to dinner with his daughter. Howard said he emails her but she never gets it. Howard said he never gets a reply with email or texts. Robin said she doesn't check her stuff every day. Howard said he's constantly on his contraptions. Robin said she used to be tuned in when she had a Blackberry but not on the iPhone. Robin said she liked the way the old Blackberry worked. She said they don't have Blackberry anymore. Howard said they still have them. Robin said she needed a phone that day and she got an iPhone because that's all they had. Howard said she's so difficult. Robin said she's not a big fan of Apple products. Howard said he likes his.
Howard said he was reading that turkey is contaminated with fecal bacteria. He said that they say that half of the samples tested were contaminated.
Howard said that he has the Reese Witherspoon audio clips to play. He said she was arrested after her husband was put in handcuffs. Howard said he didn't know the audio was going to be so clear. He said he loves that. Howard said this was audio and video. He said he loves that the cops tape everything. He said he's pretty sure if he was pulled over he'd just sit there and wait. Howard said that's all you have to do. Howard said you don't have to start in like she did. Howard said she's talking about how she's an American citizen and she is allowed to ask any question she wants to ask. Then the cop puts her in cuffs and Reese is saying that he had better not arrest her. She said he was harassing her. Howard said the cop didn't do anything wrong. Reese told the cop he was about to find out who she was.
Howard asked what this tape was of her in the back seat of the cop car. JD said it was her and her husband talking in the back of the cop car. Howard played some of that too. Reese was telling the cop that this was going to be in the national news because of who she is. Then you hear her and the husband talking about what had just happened. Reese said she can say whatever she wants to say. The husband was explaining to her why she was being arrested. Reese said that Molly Smith said that you get out of the car and say whatever you want to say. Howard wondered who Molly Smith is. Howard said maybe that's her made up friend.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Chelsea Handler said that Reese had just made a mistake. Mariann said driving drunk is more than a mistake. She also wanted to become texting buddies with Howard or something like that. Howard hung up on her and said that she's all over the place.
Howard played some tape of Reese Witherspoon on Good Morning America talking about what she and her husband did and how embarrassed they are by the whole thing. Howard said the publicist must have had to pound it into her that she was wrong and what to say.
Howard said he likes the party Reese better than this monotone morning show Reese. Howard said that he'd like to hear the party Reese. Fred was trying to find the Molly Smith person but he wasn't finding who she was referring to. Howard played more of the Good Morning America interview and goofed on her. Howard said this is the Reese that Ryan Phillippe divorced.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loved last week when Debbie the Pet Lady was on the phone puking and Robin just kept going through her news. He said last week was perfect other than when Benjy was on. Benjy said that he hears from him throughout the show. Howard said he didn't know what he was talking about but then realized he was talking about the stuff he writes for him. Howard played the ''Into the Benjy Vortex'' intro that they played earlier.
Howard said in the email someone wrote in about Hitler's relatives coming to the United States. Howard said that the book was called The Last of the Hitlers. Howard also said that someone asked what song started the show on Wednesday. Howard said that was Phoebe Snow singing ''Bring It On Home To Me.'' Howard played some of that song. Howard said that was Phoebe and the recording artist Fiona singing together. Howard said Phoebe was the best.
Howard read more email and said that people loved the Robin, Oprah and Gwyneth game they played last week. Howard said he never knew that the morning after pill was called Plan B. Howard said now they've allowed teenagers at the age of 15 to get the pill and he's all for that. Howard said Plan A is going to the prom and throwing your baby in the dumpster. Howard said that's why they suggest Plan B.
Howard said that they say that the oldest concentration camp survivor just died. He was 107 years old. Howard said unlike Anne Frank they know for a fact that he was a Justin Bieber fan. Robin said they call them ''Beliebers.'' Howard said that doesn't sound right.
Howard said he read about a soccer coach that died after getting punched in the head by a teen player. Fred said that happened out in Utah. Howard said he thought it was in New Mexico. Fred said he has to look it up. Howard said he had a joke if it was in New Mexico. Fred confirmed it was Utah.
Howard said Charlie Sheen's twins were taken from the mother, Brooke Mueller, because they were in an unsafe environment. Howard said that they say that must suck for the kids to live in a place that's worse than Charlie Sheen's. Howard said Denise Richards is a saint. She took the kids in.
Robin started her news with a story about Howard and going out talking about America's Got Talent. She had some clips of him talking about what they're looking for this season. Howard said he's wondering if he sounds as stupid as the rest of the people in the news. Howard played some of it and confirmed that he does. Robin had a few clips of Howard talking about AGT. She had some audio of some of the other judges too.
Howard read about a guy who was caught masturbating in Florida. Howard said that he was arrested twice for masturbating in front of some road crews. Howard said that he can't imagine doing that in front of a group of guys. Howard said he can see them doing that for the Jackass movie or something though.
Robin read about how the cicadas are coming back this year. Howard said they come out every 17 years. Howard said they're weird bugs. Howard said that their life cycle is 17 years in some parts of the country and 13 in others. Howard said he'd love to sleep for 17 years and come back. Robin said they don't come back, they die. Howard said he would live and just go back to sleep. He read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about Keira Knightly getting married to some guy in a band. Howard said that's some catch for the band guy. Robin had some of the band's music. Howard said that he'd like to breed her with a Cicada bug to see what he'd get.
Robin read about a guy who saw his wife and dog being attacked by another dog. Robin said the dog was attacking his wife so he bit the dog on the nose to get it to stop. Robin said that they say the dog was quarantined after the attack.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was hoping to see Gwyneth in short shorts in the new Iron Man. Howard said they made like $175 million this weekend. The caller said the 3D wasn't really worth it. Robin said it wasn't bad 3D. Howard said he doesn't like 3D. He said he'd rather see it in 2D. Howard said he hasn't seen the movie yet. He said he's busy with that AGT so he can't go see it. Robin said everyone is going to see it before him. Howard said he'll end up watching it on his iPad Mini. He said he'll love it just as much on that as he would in the theater. Howard said he's been watching Superman cartoons on his iPad. He said he loves it. Robin said that the new Superman looks good. Howard said it's the same friggin story again with the Superman Origin. He said they have to move on from that.
Robin read about Katy Perry's father being a minister and how he's on a cross country tour of American churches. They dedicate a portion of the sermon to how disappointed they are in Katy's non-Christian ways. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. He said they seem to be with it but maybe not. Howard said the guy is a douche if all of that is true. He said he hopes that she's disowned them if that's what's really going on.
Howard said he was reading about how the E! Twitter account was hacked. He said that he can't imagine who spends all day long hacking into the E! Twitter account.
Robin read about how Justin Bieber was almost attacked on stage at a show. She said that he kept going like nothing happened. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about one of the guys from the band Kriss Kross dying. Robin said they were two kids that sang ''Jump.'' Robin said that Chris Kelly died and he was only 34 years old. Robin said that his funeral is coming up. Robin said he passed away last Wednesday. Robin said the other member of the group says that he'll always cherish the memories. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read about how much money Iron Man 3 brought in this weekend. Robin said it did $175 million domestically and another $175 million overseas. Robin said that's not as good as The Avengers. They did $207 million the first weekend. Howard said that he remembers as a kid how great it would be to have a movie made out of his favorite cartoons.
Howard said Stan Lee came up with a character for him to play after Private Parts came out. He said he never did it but he should have. He said that he has all of these crazy things that he almost did. He said he's like those subway performers. Howard said the Stan Lee character was a DJ actually. He said it was crazy how he got his super powers. He got them from an alien. He said that he was from a purple planet or something. He said he wishes he had saved that. He said Stan Lee is the man.
Robin said there's a new Thor movie coming out. Howard said he liked the first one but the new trailer he's not so sure about. Robin said she doesn't really like the character. Robin said Loki is a great character though. She said that she liked him.
Robin read about a teen who was bitten by a shark in Florida. Robin said that the kid was surfing near Melbourne, Florida when he was bitten. They had to use a surf board tether as a tourniquet. Robin said the kid wants to get back to surfing as soon as possible. Howard said he would never go back in the water. He asked how that girl did after she lost her whole arm. Robin said she went back to surfing and they made a movie about it.
Howard said he was out to diner with his daughter last night and someone walked by and said F-Jackie. He said he had to explain to her what that was about.
Robin read about how mothers may be able to boost their kid's immune system by sucking on their baby's pacifier. Howard said he's going to puke. Robin said that they might be able to help bacterial diversity by doing that. Howard said that's just stupid. He asked why someone would want to build up an immune system so badly.
Robin read about how they're looking to ban 3D printers from making plastic guns. Howard said that he's on the same level as Chuck Schumer. Robin said that they say that anyone could turn their garage into a gun factory with one of these printers. Robin said technology is out there and you're never going to stop people from doing heinous things.
Robin read about how the family of Tamerlan Tsarnaev can't find a place to bury him. Robin said no one will let him be buried in the area that he lived in. Howard said they should throw him in the ocean. Howard said they can put him on a raft and he'll shoot an flaming arrow onto it. Robin said they released his cause of death and it was guns shots and blunt force trauma. Robin said that came from his brother running him over with the truck. Howard said he ran over his own brother. Howard said good. Robin said he wanted out of there and he went through his brother.
Robin read about a Rihanna documentary that's coming out. Howard said he won't be watching that. Robin said it's going to be on FOX. Howard said you know it won't be good. Robin said they follow her on her most recent tour. Howard said if she sings that song Diamonds he might watch. He said he's going to download the song. He said he can't even steal it. He doesn't know how. He said he has to get a lesson from someone. Robin said you just put it in the cloud and then get it. Howard said he has no idea how to do that. He said he has to get that Bruno Mars song he likes too. He sang both of them for a short time. Howard said he'll never have a good song like that again. He said he can't top that. He said at least he wrote it. Rihanna didn't write her song.
Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
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Gary said he had a discussion with a friend who lost a close relative in 9/11. He said they wanted to be in touch with the Long Island Psychic or John Edward. He said he sat her down in the green room and told her not to go down that road. He said he felt so bad for her.
Jon said Robin believed that there were 5 seasons of Spartacus and there were only 3. Gary said that she also got the number of people in the band wrong. He said she said that there were 5 but it was only 4. She may have thought Richie Wilson was in the band.
Sal came in to talk about the psychic thing. They asked Sal about the odd fetishes that he has like with the Tan Mom. Sal said he had an older woman who tried to put her hands down his pants when he was like 9. He said he would cry over that and his mom thought it was kind of cute. Sal said his mom didn't mean anything bad by it but then he saw the lady like 20 years later and asked if she remembered doing it. He said he asked her if she would be willing to do it now and turned the tables on her. He said that he thinks if she had said yes he might have done it. He said that he was upset as a child but now he finds it kind of interesting. He said she might have fucked him up a little bit. He said he's turned on by older women now so it may not have fucked him up.
Sal said he's turned on by wacky charisma and that's what turns him on about the Tan Mom. He said he likes that kind of white trashy woman who is doing weird stuff. Sal said this isn't the kind of person you want to drag home.
Jon asked Sal about this Long Island Medium. He said he heard about Sal going to see her at the Westbury Music Fair. Sal said after going there he's a believer. He said that she would point to people and say how the person died. Gary said that maybe she is a medium but what makes him so sure that there aren't plants in the audience. Sal said there could be but he thinks that she would turn them into believers. Gary said Sal is taking this leap of faith with it being real. Sal said it is real. He said that he's convinced of that.
Sal said he thinks that this woman has a gift to fine tune this ability. Gary said that they all fine tune it. Sal said he saw her do it live and she pulled it off and it was a phenomenon. He said you just can't explain it. Gary said ''Right!''
Sal said that Howard has changed his point of view on a lot of things. He said he'd like to make Howard a believer. He said he thinks that he could do that. Gary said he wants to give Sal some homework. He told him to go watch the movie ''Leap of Faith'' even though it's not that great. He said it's not necessarily how this woman works but it's interesting. They had to go to break after that.
Sal said that he went to a therapist who brought up all of the father stuff and he bailed on that. He said he felt like he was digging into stuff that he didn't want to get into.
Sal said when the song comes on it affects him. He said that his father is proud of him and he has had some backlash her and there. He said his father will ask other people what they're up to while his son is on the radio. He said one guy asked if that was the son who was on the radio liking an asshole. He said his father had to walk away.
Sal said they were talking about opening a pizzeria and his son, Antonio, wanted to name it Antonio's and his dad told him ''No you idiot, it would be called Sal the Stockbroker's!'' Sal said he had to yell at his dad for calling his kid an idiot.
Jon asked Benjy about talking about tasting his own cum. Benjy said he thinks most guys have done that. He said he put his tongue against it to see what the taste was. He said he would find it disgusting like Howard did. Benjy said that he came on his hand and he had some on his hand so he was curious. He said he put his tongue against it and tasted it. Sal said he licked it. Benjy said he doesn't think it's that rare. Sal said he does. Sal said he did something similar. He said he was curious and gave it a little dab. He said it was salty and gooey. That's all he remembers. Benjy said it was salty.
Gary said he isn't passing judgment but he doesn't have that curiosity. Gary said he has turned away kissing a woman after she did something for him. He said he's gone out of his way to avoid tasting that. Sal said everyone gets a zing of that whole thing. He said that you don't bring it up just like when they queef while you're giving them oral. Gary said he would and he'd make fun of them for it. Sal said that's not a good idea. They went to break after that.
Benjy said he was really into Dan and he thought he had some star power. He thinks that someone could take him and turn him into something. Gary said the band did a sound check and they did a completely different song that they didn't end up performing.
Jon said that Ralph doesn't want any of them down there. Gary said he isn't annoyed by the singers but he'd be annoyed by the break dancers. Benjy said he thinks it's so colorful and fun and that's one of the things he loves about New York. Gary said he's entertained while he has no Wi-Fi down there.
Sal said he's annoyed by the big, fat, smelly people down there. He said that the performers don't annoy him so much. Gary said some people eat their food on the subway. Sal said he saw a woman filing her nails on the subway and it was disgusting.
Jon asked Ronnie what he didn't like about the singer of the band. Ronnie said he sounded like he had just smoked a pack of cigarettes. Gary said that was his style though. He said Nat King Cole had that too. Ronnie said he doesn't care. He said he liked Annette. He said that Dan was okay in the second half of his song. Jon asked Gary if he'd blame Scott for that. Gary said it could have been engineered a little better.
Jon asked Ronnie if he's ever tasted his own cum. Ronnie said he does some things with girls. He said that he sticks the head of his dick on a chick's nipple and he'll get some leakage from it. He said that gets on their nipple and you might suck on the girl's boob and taste your own stuff. Jon asked what it tastes like. Ronnie said it's kind of salty.
Sal asked how big his pee hole is to do that. Ronnie said you don't wrap it all the way around. He said you just touch it. They ended the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
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Howard started the show talking about how much he loves those guys in the Fab Faux. He said they're awesome. Howard said it's fascinating to watch them recreating those songs.
Fred played the opera version of ''The Great American Nightmare'' as they were starting too so Howard let that play for a short time and sang along with that a little bit. Howard said they have a very busy show today. He said they have the original MTV VJs coming in today. He said they will be there to promote a book. Natalie Maines will be in to promote her solo album. Howard said she can tell them about why she doesn't like Gary too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was listening to the subway show and he thought that guy Dan sounded like Joe Walsh. He said it was really close. Howard said he didn't detect that in the studio. Howard asked for the song so he could replay it. Howard listened to it and said that the guy has a point. Howard said he voted for that guy. Fred said if he had sung through a speaker he may have had a better shot. Howard said they had technical problems with that one. Fred said he wasn't used to using headphones and a microphone. Howard said they needed a rehearsal. He said Scott is the one who needed the rehearsal actually. Fred went into his Scott impression and goofed on him a little bit.
Fred mentioned Stone Temple Pilots while he was goofing on Scott. Howard said that Scott Weiland got fired from the Stone Temple Pilots again.
Howard let more of Gichi Dan's song play. He said he got the chills listening to that. Howard told Robin she should fuck the guy. Then he said that he means Fred. Howard said he misses this kind of music. He said this is the stuff he grew up hearing. Howard said it's very soulful. He said he got laughed at in class for bringing in a Beatles album. He said he used to get beat up to this kind of music.
Robin said there was a new survey out the other day that said most kids have been subjected to cyber bullying. Howard said he's subjected to it every day on Twitter. Robin said they're making more ways to do it every day.
Howard said he's looking into the guys who bully him every day. He said he has information on one 36 year old from California. Howard said he's learning about what makes them tick. He said that he'll go to war with anyone. He said if they're going to do this then lets do this.
Howard asked the caller if he had anything else. The guy said he didn't. Howard said he had a good point with the guy sounding like Joe Walsh. Howard said he loves Joe's voice. He had Fred play some of Joe singing ''Rosewood Bitters.'' Howard said he has no time for this because he has to go to Chicago today. He said he doesn't have time to do this show or do anything. Fred played some of that Joe Walsh song and said he thinks Joe is a great singer. Fred said he saw him doing a show last year and his voice is just awesome. Howard said a lot of people criticize his voice. Robin said she thinks he's great.
Fred told Howard that Joe didn't write that song. He said that it was Michael Stanley who did. Howard asked Fred to play the studio version of the song. Fred found that song too. Howard said he really likes Joe. He wondered what Rosewood Bitters was. Fred thought it was something to do with alcohol but someone told Howard that it might be about a guitar. Fred played Michael Stanley's version of the song too. He had Joe playing guitar on the song and Michael was singing. Howard wondered why he didn't have a hit song with that. Fred said it is a good song.
Howard said as long as he's on music he said that Tan Mom has a song out. He said he's not kidding about this. He said the song is called ''It's Tan Mom.'' He played some of the song. He said she's coming in soon. He said she should be there in a few weeks. Howard said that it's interesting that she's become an advocate for protecting yourself from the sun. Robin said she thinks that's a goof. She's saying ''Ha, Ha, Ha.'' during the song. Howard said that's fabulous.
Howard said Lauren Hill is going to go to jail for a few months. He said that she was sentenced because she didn't pay a ton of taxes. He said she went on a rant in the courthouse and started going on about how she was put in an economic paradigm that she didn't know about. Howard said people are kooks. He said if you make a ton of dough you have to pay a ton of taxes. He said this is like Wesley Snipes not paying taxes. Robin said she thinks this is different. Howard said she was ranting about how she sold 50 million units and now she's paying a tax debt. Howard said that's the way it works. Howard said she was also playing the mommy card. He said she was talking about her kids and how she has to go to jail over this. She likened it to slavery. Howard said she has no idea what slavery is.
Howard said Lauren Hill went out and signed a deal with Sony to launch a new label and she's going to put out some new music. Howard said she's being forced into it. He said she put out some horrible song and it's not even really a song. He said it's essentially a rant over music. Howard played that for Robin. Howard said it's a huge disappointment. He said that's not what you want to come out with after putting out nothing for years. Howard said you have to pull it together and put out something good.
Pete asked Gary if he's masturbated to her. Gary said he never has. Gary said even in his fantasy he doesn't think she'd do him. Pete said he admitted to the news that he's kind of thought about it. Gary said he never did that. Howard let Pete go after that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he can get the season 3 of Spartacus for him. Howard said Gary got it for him. Howard said he has to get it by 10am today. He said he has to put it on his iPad today. He said he hopes it's not encrypted. He said he'll put that on his iPad and whisk it off with him on the plane today. He said he has two more episodes of Strike Back. He said he got season 2 but he doesn't have it yet. He said he hopes he doesn't have any problem getting the DVD to his iPad.
Howard said he has to sit in a hotel the whole time so he watches tons of TV on his iPad. He said that makes him feel like he has a life. Gary told Howard he has Strike Back coming in this morning. He said that he had the name of the show wrong so they corrected him on that.
Howard said he got season 1 of that British show Robin told him about. He said that was Luther. Howard said that better be good. Robin said she thinks he'll like that one. Howard said they do awful TV over there. He said they don't know how to do TV. Robin said they should make Howard sit and watch Downton Abby. Howard asked Fred if he watches that. Fred said he does but not willingly. He said it's a little slow.
Howard said he wants to see Breaking Bad so badly that he wants to go on set to watch. He said that he might have to record it on his own iPad. Howard said that Spartacus show is going to be a whole thing today.
Howard said he finally started calling Eric ''Eric the Actor'' and then Johnny Fratto told him that he had to call him Midget to copyright the name. Eric said he's actually Eric the Actor formerly known as Eric the Midget. Howard said he'll respect that.
Howard said he's going to see Nick for a few seconds and he'll let him know that Eric the Actor formerly known as Eric the Midget knows of some candy shops he'll like. Howard said he'll look like a tool doing that. Eric told Howard it's actually in New Sacramento. Eric started explaining what that meant. Howard said he so doesn't care.
Howard said when you see Nick he always has an entourage with him. Howard said he has one too. He said he has Ronnie and Joe and all of those guys. He said his is all white and Nick's is all black. Howard said he has to get some blacks in his entourage. Howard said Nick has all black guys in his and they're way more intimidating. Howard said they're nice guys though. Howard said he has several black guys and one is way tall. He said he looks like he could crush you with his hand. Howard said he has a little tiny black guy who is super muscular too. He said he's ripped. Howard said he has a new black guy with Jericurls. He holds up a mirror for Nick. He said that must be his glam team.
Howard said he has to ask Nick about what he's doing with Mariah where they renew their vows every year. Howard said they went to Disneyland with their kids and they dressed up like Disney characters. Howard said he had to be miserable doing that. Howard said Nick is great to talk to and he is a really reasonable, down to earth kind of guy. Howard said when you see those pictures you wonder ''what the fuck is this?'' He said Mariah must set all of the rules. Howard said Nick is dressed up like a Disney character. He said Mariah gets out of a pumpkin coach and Nick is dressed up too. Eric said it was probably one of the princes. Howard said that's right. He was Prince Charming. Howard said he looks like a doorman in the picture he's looking at.
Howard asked how they got that. Eric said they must have spent a lot of money. He said to do that they must have spent over a million dollars. Robin said they probably traded it out for the publicity. Howard said he wants to talk to Nick just about that. Howard said Nick is supposed to come back in soon. He said that he told some good stories about beating off to his wife. Howard said he heard he got into trouble for talking about that. Howard asked who beats off to their own wife?
Eric said he hopes that they get rid of Nicki Minaj from The Voice. He said she's really annoying. He said he hopes they keep Mariah on the show. Howard said he stopped watching that and American Idol. Howard said he's concentrating on his own show.
Howard said he was reading about Jeff Hanneman from Slayer and how he may have died from a spider bite. Howard said that's like a bad Spider-Man story. Richard Christy came in and said that they think that might be what helped it. He said that he had a bad liver so that could have been it. Howard asked Richard if he hates spiders. Richard said he does. He said that's a really heavy metal way to die. He said he did some really great songs with Slayer. Howard said he can leave now. Richard asked if that's all he's going to play. Howard said yes. Richard said that Rick Rubin produced that album that he was playing. Howard said he just saw Rick and he still has that big beard. He said he could get rid of it. He said he can't imagine a woman digging it. Robin said there are guys who are into it. Howard said yeah, they're called The Amish and the Hasidim. Howard said they're not getting any girls.
Howard said there was an article about how women dig 10 day scruff on a guy. Richard said he gets itchy. Howard said Beth digs the scruff. He said other women have said it looks good too. Howard said he's thinking of going to that if women like it. Richard said women like it on Brad Pitt but maybe not every guy. Howard said 10 days is good. Robin said that sounds like a long time. Richard said he has patchy scruff because he had a lot of zits in high school.
Howard asked if they've figured out what to do with the Boston bomber yet. He said he has some ideas for what to do with it. He said he would make a Weekend at Bernie's movie with the body.
Howard said Chris Brown broke up with Rihanna. Howard said she's on the market now. Howard said he must have other women to beat up.
Howard said Natalie Maines will be in to promote her new piece of vinyl. Fred did his Gary impression and said the right way to say it is that it's going to drop today. He said that they're not going to be there tomorrow so they'll be ''dark.''
Howard said some women are having vibrator races now. He said that they lay them down on a table and watch them go across a table. Howard said Robin should get into that. He said Robin must have a bunch. Robin said she has 3. Howard said she's down sized. He said she used to have 5 or 6. Robin said that's because Howard used to give them to her. Robin asked where they do this. Howard said he got an article about it. He said he's not sure if it's real or not.
Howard said in honor of Mother's Day he should play this. Howard was going to let Eric go but Eric said that 6 years ago Howard had him on the air with Brandy Talore. He said he still hasn't met her. Howard said he really has to go. He said he'll have Gary look into that. Eric also said there's a charity event in New York. Howard said they're playing him off like he's at the Oscars. Fred had music playing as they said goodbye.
Howard said he doesn't know what was going on 6 years ago. He and Fred were doing impressions of Eric talking about that Brandy Talore. Howard said he has to take a break before the VJs get there. He said he's fascinated with the stories that are in the book.
Howard said Sal found some mother/son porn in honor of mother's day. Howard played some clips that Sal found. He had one of a woman playing the mother of a son and telling her son not to cum inside her. She told the guy that if they had a baby he would be his son and his brother. Howard said that was one example. He played a couple more for Robin. He had one where she was telling her son to fuck her shithole. Howard said he had another one where this woman is yelling at her son to get his homework done and then telling him to pull his pecker out. Howard said that one is too weird for him. He cut that off and said that was for Mother's day. Howard played a prank call the guys made to a phone sex line using clips of him doing his impression of his mother. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said that the original MTV VJs are there. He said he's talking about Nina Blackwood, Mark Goodman, Alan Hunter and Martha Quinn. He said JJ Jackson was the other one but he died. Howard said it's like a reunion in there. Fred played the MTV music from back in the day as they were all coming in.
Howard said they have anew book out that talks about what happened to them. Howard asked if they're depressed when they watch MTV now. Alan said he doesn't watch anymore. Nina said she was hoping they would have stayed with music. Howard said if they had then they'd be like Superman. Howard said Martha tweets like 5 nice things about him every day and she helps keep him alive on Twitter.
Martha said that she felt kind of connected with Snooki when she gave birth to her baby on MTV. Howard said when they were on MTV they were even bigger than the videos they were playing. Howard asked if they feel they were kept down in a way. Mark said that was the plan. He said that the guy who started MTV wanted that to be the way things went.
Howard asked what kind of pay they got back then. Howard said you expect to hear that they're multi-millionaires. They all said the pay was shit. Alan said he came on board and he had been a bartender. He said that Bob Pitman was the guy running the place and he asked for a lawyer. He said that they asked if $27,000 was good. He said that's what he was making. Martha said she was making $26,000. Howard said Mark must have been doing better than that. Mark said he was making about 50,000 at WPLJ at the time.
Nina said she was getting $60,000 at MTV. She said that's the first time she's ever admitted that. Howard said they made a big deal with her and she had done Playboy. Nina said that was a big regret she had.
Howard asked everyone if they had hooked up with anyone. Martha said that both Alan and Mark. Alan said that they were both happily married. He said he thinks the executives wanted them to be a couple. Alan said he had his ring on so he took it off while he was on the air. He said his wife didn't like that. He said he thought of it like an acting gig. He said that he had a flirty thing going on so the execs told him to keep the ring off. Alan said that this is all in the book. Howard got in a plug for them and said that the book is called ''VJ: The Unplugged Adventures of MTV's First Wave.''
Alan said that his wife came in one day and asked what was going on because they were being flirty on the air. He said that nothing was going on. Martha said that Alan is so imagining this. She said that this didn't happen. Martha said she was very young and she thought Alan was pretty cool. She said that she didn't understand what being married meant. She said she was 22 at the time.
Howard said Meg Griffin was a big DJ at the time and she was supposed to be Martha. Howard said that she had the job in the bag but she turned it down. Howard said this drives him crazy because she didn't want to dance in one of the promos. Mark told Howard that she told him that she was going to quit. He said that they hadn't even gone on the air yet. He said they did some interviews and Meg did one with a band and they were supposed to get up and dance. He said that Meg felt really uncomfortable and she said she was going to quit. Mark said she was going to get a full time gig at the station she was working at. Mark said she was at the MTV offices and she heard Bob Pitman talking about the channel and heard him talking about the different people they got for the channel. He said she overheard him saying they had their black guy, their Jew, their jock... Mark said he wanted to be the jock but it turns out he was ''The Jew.''
Alan said they were doing this MTV thing and he was working as a bartender. He said it was about a month and a half into it. He said he was working and he had no idea what MTV was doing. He said he was mixing a drink and this guy was looking at him kind of sideways. He said the guy said he looked familiar. He said it didn't dawn on him that he had seen him on MTV. The guy thought he was Mark Goodman. He told him he was Alan Hunter and the guy said ''Nope, that's not it.''
Howard said Martha says in the book that the day they fired her she had to go to unemployment and stand in line. Howard said everyone knew her too. Martha said they kept her on for 6 months and she had to call her husband's dentist to get her wisdom teeth pulled before her health insurance ran out. Martha said that she thought she was going to get Mary Hart's job after that.
Howard asked if being a VJ was a bad thing. Nina said that it was a double edged sword. She said that she was trying to get into acting and then they weren't taking her for anything but a reporter. She said she loves what she does but she wanted to do other things. Howard said everyone wanted to fuck her at the time too. Howard said she was the sex bomb.
Howard said that Nina must have partied with a lot of rock stars. Nina told Howard that she's actually kind of a prude. She said that she doesn't party like they think she does. Howard said she was in playboy and a VJ so people must have thought she was loose.
Howard said he loved Frank Zappa and he did some interviews with him. Howard said Nina wrote in the book that he was horrible to her. Nina said he was brilliant but it was like bad casting. She said she was naive and shy and he went at her right away. He saw the vulnerability and he went right at her. She said that he got on his knees and was talking to her like a little person. She said to her that wasn't right and she didn't know how to handle it. Howard said Mark says that she never recovered from that. Mark said two things happened. He said that Management stuck her on overnights. Mark said she got longer shifts and she was shaken by all of that. He said they were all cringing listening to the interview. Howard said Frank may have been attracted to her and trying to intimidate her.
Alan said the same thing happened to him. He said he did an interview with Frank and Moon Unit. He said that it went terrible. Alan said the guy was cantankerous and he didn't care if he hurt feelings. He said he was showing off for his daughter and he was telling him that every question was awful. He said two weeks later he came back and apologized to him.
Howard said he loves the sexual stories in the book. Howard said Martha has plenty. Howard said he loves the story about John Cougar Mellencamp inviting Nina to a party and it's just John and his manager. Howard asked why she didn't bang him that night. Alan said she was trying to get over Frank Zappa. Nina said that she's not that kind of girl. Howard said John Waite wrote a song about Nina and she must have banged him. Nina said she never did. She said that he will even tell Howard that she never did. Nina said that she knows now that it wasn't about her.
Howard said Nina says that after she was fired from MTV that she went into a depression and contemplated suicide. Nina said that she never said that. Martha said that's an amalgamation of Nina and her. Howard said she says that her dog saved her life. Nina said that was in the 90s so that was way after. Nina said she had jobs that she was offered at MTV that she turned down. She said that Howard called her at home and she wasn't talking to the press at the time. Howard said he must have wanted to get into her pants. Nina said she was going to three jobs after MTV. She said in the 90s she was thinking about suicide. She said that her dog was in the car with her and she didn't want to kill the dog so the dog saved her life.
Howard said Alan must have gotten some chicks being on MTV. Howard asked if he had a lot of drugs and stuff. Alan said they were getting a lot of stuff. Martha said she wasn't really into drugs. She said they had a weird pharmacy near the studios and she went to buy some vitamin C and she didn't think it was properly sealed. She brought it back and the guy said he wasn't taking it back. She said she asked if he wanted her to die and the guy agreed to take it back. She said that she wasn't into that drug scene thing.
Howard said at the first MTV awards he thought he was going to see the VJs hosting. Howard said that would have been interesting. Howard said that what they did was leave every one of them out of it. They hired Bette Midler and Dan Aykroyd as the hosts. Howard asked if that was a way to keep them down. Mark said they were as shocked as anyone. Alan said they were all excited about the whole thing and they were thinking they were going to host. Alan said they got the scripts and they realized they were all left out. Alan said he was in a bumper to commercial and that was it. Mark said that's when things started going down. He said most of the VJs, other than Carson Daly, aren't that well known now.
Alan said he enjoyed a lot of things after MTV. He said that he enjoyed the last few years and started doing stuff in the streets. He said that was his forte. He said he liked interviewing people and jumping in the pool.
Howard said Alan was married at the time but Mark was fucking like a rabbit. Alan said he was happily married. He said he got divorced years later and moved down south. He said he had it all backwards. Howard asked if women were offering themselves to him. Alan said there were women throwing themselves at all of them, including Nina.
Howard said Mark wasn't married though. Mark said they launched in 1981 and he got married to DJ Carol Miller a year later. Mark said Howard used to give him such shit about that too. He said Howard used to call him a ''loser from MTV.'' Howard said he was angry. Howard said Carol caught Mark in bed with two women. Mark said that is not true. He said Carol came on Howard's show and trashed him. He said that he feels badly about the whole thing. He said they've had some conversations over the years. He said that he just wanted to apologize to her years later. Howard said Mark was cheating on her when she had cancer. Mark said she said he did some things that he didn't actually do. Howard said he felt funny that day because he wasn't there to defend himself. Mark said he talked quite a bit about what was going on at the time. He said that if they hadn't gone to MTV they might still be together. He said it was very sudden fame and someone said that no one handles that well. Mark said he didn't and he regrets it.
Alan said that they were on cable in 1981 and it was something new at the time. He said they had 2.5 million viewers in those early days. He said that was a big thing.
Howard said it must have been a big decision leaving WPLJ. Mark said he hated that job. He said they were playing music that he had played for the past 5 years. He said he was over it and they were not where they should have been. Howard said he never cared about the music. Howard said he wanted to be on WPLJ. He said he got a call from someone over there who wanted to hire him. Mark said that guy was so anal about everything they did over there. He said they played Meatloaf so many times there. He said he was just over it.
Howard asked Mark about the VJ job coming and what he wanted to do. Mark said he wanted to be where music was going and not where it had been. He said he auditioned at MTV and so did other guys like Jim Kerr. Howard asked Mark what he did that sealed the deal. Mark said it was weird. He said they did a couple of things and he had to back announce the Eagles and refer to the easel and sit on the couch. He said he was terrified at that audition.
Howard said he never thought about this. He said that they could complete their job in 42 minutes and not sit through the music. Nina said that came later. Alan said they could do that. He said they did a 4 hour shift in 45 minutes or so. Howard said that they must not have even seen each other that much. Mark said they did when they first started. Then they moved and they all got their own dressing rooms.
Howard asked Mark if he banged a lot of famous chicks. Mark said he didn't but he did bang a lot of not famous chicks. Alan said he would go out and see Diane Lane out at lunch. He said he would fantasize about her. He said he knows she was interested. Howard said Alan must have banged her. Alan said he has fantasies. He said he should write his own book.
Howard read that Mark sold Meth in high school. Howard asked where he grew up. Mark said he grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia. Mark said he never used the stuff. He said he didn't have an addiction. He said that once he went to college that went away. He said he was dealing with a French guy who got busted and deported with the 10 grand he owed him.
Howard said MTV tried to set Martha up with Billy Joel on a date. Martha said she didn't do it. She said she should have. Martha said that when she was in high school she was doing a play while Mark was selling Meth. She said she wanted to be Rick Springfield and MTV was getting him hookers. Howard asked if that's true. Mark said he had some experiences like that at MTV. Mark said that they did pay for his first hooker. He said that was in Japan and she wasn't a hooker.
Howard said Martha went on a date with Paul Stanley from KISS who took her out bowling. Martha said she loves KISS but there are fragile egos out there. She said that she would guess that he's a much better bowler now. She said he liked having his own shoes and a bowling hat. She said that they were bowling and he was examining the pitch of the lane. Howard asked if they had to switch lanes because of that. Martha said the pitch was not correct so he was upset about that. Martha said she thinks that he kissed her good night but they agreed that it didn't work for them.
Howard said Paul Shaffer put in a lot of time with Martha. Martha asked how he knows this. Howard said it's in the book. Howard said Paul gave up on Martha because she wasn't giving it up to him. Martha said that Paul told her that she was being a tease and that was it.
Alan said that she showed up with Stiv Bators one day. Howard asked if he was good in bed. Martha said that she's so much better now.
Howard asked Martha about how she says that she feels bad about the music she played at the time now that she has kids. Martha said she has a teen daughter and she thinks about how horrible the messages were in the songs back then.
Howard asked if everyone is happy now. Howard said their book, ''VJ: The Unplugged Adventures of MTV's First Wave'', is out now. Alan said they had a lot of ideas for what they could do to tell their story. Alan said it's like an Almost Famous for the 80s. He said that they wanted to tell their story in a book. Alan said they told their stories to an author who put it all together.
The guys said that Nina is living in Maine now so she's so far away from them all. Nina said that she's happy with the time she did with MTV but it's not who she is now. Howard asked if she's going to sell Meth with Mark now. Nina said she won't be doing that. She said she lives in the woods now and she lives with Moose. She said she loves listening to Sirius and listening to Van Halen. She said she likes classic rock.
Howard asked Alan what he's doing now. Alan said he's married again and he has more kids with the new wife. Mark was there smiling. Mark said he has a 20 year old daughter and he's been with the same girl for 20 years now. He said that Jill would like kids but he's 60 and he's done now. Howard asked if she understands that. Mark said he hopes so.
Howard asked how old Alan is. Alan said he's 56 and he's chasing around little kids. Howard said he's going to laugh at him too. Alan said he's moving to Chicago and his wife is getting her PHD. He said that his wife is 18 years younger. He said she's 20 years older in the mind than he is.
Howard asked Mark how much younger his wife is. He said she's 12 years younger. Howard asked Martha how long she's been married. Martha said it's been 21 years. Howard said she must cheat a lot. Martha said they're together all the time. Alan said they're the only ones who don't cheat. Martha said her husband is a composer and he's done a lot of commercial work. The guys said that he was in the Fuzztones.
Howard said Martha used to work at NBC and she used to organize the records there. Howard said she had to work with Imus there. Martha said that she was in a closet working most of the time.
Howard said it's great to see all of them. Howard said he's looking forward to reading the book. Martha said that he's mentioned in the book. Howard said he doesn't care about that... and then asked her to tell him all about it. Martha said she would listen to Howard and Robin in the morning and then she'd get to a commercial break and run to the elevator. She said she would get in a cab and ask the driver to turn Howard on. She said that Howard would always start talking about Lesbian sex or something. Then she'd tell the driver to change to WPLJ.
Howard said he did a scene with Martha on the channel 9 show. Howard said he had a boner in that scene. Martha said that she might be the only one there who has kissed Howard Stern on the lips. Howard said he thinks that he gave her the salami too.
Gary said that Alan was on stage in Florida once and he got a boner on stage. Gary did the same thing once. Alan said he was at Spring Break and he had his wife and 6 month old child there. He said he was looking at Hawaiian Tropic girls and talking to their boobs and butts. He said he looked up and his wife was waving his kid up. Alan said that the audience was chanting that he had a woody but he didn't actually have one. He didn't even know what one was back then.
Howard said that the only one who isn't there today is JJ Jackson. Howard said he died. Mark said he died in 2004. Alan said he made the most money out of all of them. They said that he had a bad heart and he died from that. Mark said they went to a movie with him about 3 weeks before he died. He said JJ lit up a cigarette after having a triple bypass. Martha said that Mark said he loved him that night. She said it was so touching. Mark said they were all very close. He said that he was a few years older than them and he was so gracious and loving to them all. Alan said the guy had integrity.
Howard said he read that Alan and Mark did coke with David Lee Roth once. Alan said he was doing it recreationally at the time. He said he didn't do a lot of it. Howard said that must have been crazy. Alan said he saw Mark in a room with David and there was no one else in there. He said that he went in and did a line with them. He said David had a huge vile of coke with him. He said people were coming in and hanging out in there doing lines. Alan said they kept doing it and people kept coming in watching them doing their thing. Howard said the VJs became the guys who partied with the rock stars. Howard said they were trusted. Howard said they wanted them to be their friends because they're like the gate keepers.
Howard had to wrap up the interview. Everyone was telling Howard how much they love him and Martha said her son loves him on AGT. Howard told her to thank him for that. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said that as Pete Townshend. Howard said that Natalie Maines is there. He said that her guitarist Jason is there with her too. Howard said that Natalie has a new solo album out. Howard said she's going to perform a song for them.
Howard said that Natalie used to watch MTV but now the rock videos are almost completely gone. Natalie asked if that's sad or good. Howard said he thinks that Artists would like them to be out there. Howard said he loves that whole art form. Howard said the problem he had was with videos that were too slick. He said he likes to see a real performance. Howard said he'd like a live performance like what Natalie is going to do today. Natalie said there won't be any lip syncing there.
Robin and Natalie said hi to each other. Robin said she likes her new hair cut. Howard said he likes it longer. Natalie said she likes it short because she has to think less about it. Howard asked if her husband got upset with her over that. Natalie said he didn't say he was upset. She said that he has said he likes it now. Howard said she has very luxurious hair and for the guy who has to bang her it might be nice to have it long. Natalie said he seems to be okay with it. Natalie said that it shows off her sexy face. Howard said she actually does have a very pretty face.
Natalie said her husband, Adrian Pasdar, likes her short hair and so do black guys. She said that her husband has done the show Burn Notice and he was on The Lying Game too. She said that's on ABC Family. She said he's very busy. Howard said he seems like he might be a fun guy. Natalie said he really is.
Howard said Natalie was very controversial on the last Celebrity Super Fan Roundtable. Howard said she came out in a big way against Gary. Howard said he's not opposed to this either. Howard said she said Gary is like a child who doesn't listen. Howard said she was very critical of him. Natalie said it's about the way he acts with Howard. She said he doesn't think about what he's saying before he comes in there. She said that Gary thinks that Howard would like his TV show if he watched the whole thing. She said she sent out a plea to Howard asking him to watch the whole thing.
Natalie said that's just one little thing that she doesn't like about Gary and she thinks that he's upset with her. She said she likes Gary though.
Howard said Natalie also came down on Lisa G who she said isn't a team player. Howard asked what evidence she has for that. Natalie said she should be a little more fun. She said we wanted to hear her play her violin and things like that. Natalie said that Lisa just says no.
Howard said Natalie was also against Johnny Knoxville being on the panel. She said that there were a few suspect people in that group. She said that she would mention ''pieces of vinyl'' and they would look at her like she was nuts. She said that Jeff Probst was one of them. She said that she created the show and now it's out of control. Natalie said that Andy Richter seemed to be on her scale.
Howard said Natalie has written three new songs on her new album ''Mother.'' Natalie pointed out that Gary hasn't come in to defend himself. Gary got on his office microphone and asked if she was talking. He said that he's going to think about what she had to say on his drive home today.
Howard said he's going to try and dissect what's going on with Natalie. Howard asked if the Dixie Chicks are dead. She said that they have four dates this summer. Howard said that they put out their own album and it only sold 200,000 copies. Natalie said that's a lot of albums these days. Howard said that Natalie got upset after she said something about George W. Bush and the Iraq War and the fans turned against her. Howard said that all she said was that she was ashamed that he was from Texas. Natalie said she wasn't even right about that. He just lived there.
Natalie said she's not going to let the fans get to her. She said music is something that has no complications in her life. She said it's just fun to her. Natalie said she had a fantastic career but the country wasn't really her passion or her roots. She said that made it easier to say goodbye to it.
Natalie told Howard how she was brought into the band and how she auditioned without even knowing she was auditioning. Natalie said they went way outside the country audience with the band.
Howard said that Natalie said that she was like the chubby chick in the band. She said she was just joking but they're so super tall and super skinny.
Howard said Natalie has a new record out and she thinks that it's more representative of the music she's into. Howard said she worked with Ben Harper on this album. Howard said Ben was supposed to come in this morning but he was scared. Natalie said that he doesn't trust himself to come in. She said that he's very sexual and he has lots of stories. Howard said he can't stand Gary either. Natalie said he can't look at those lips and teeth for the whole hour.
Howard said Ben was married to Laura Dern. Howard said maybe he was nervous about that. Howard said he's been married twice. Natalie said he has. Howard asked what the game plan is with him. Natalie said that she thinks that he has to find a woman who is past the age of wanting children. She said that she's like his older sister at this point. Howard asked if he has more money than Laura Dern. Natalie said he must if he's the one paying her.
Howard said that he heard one of Natalie's new songs on a station out on Long Island. Howard said that she's getting some air play. Natalie said it's just a little. She said that people seem to be a little confused about the sound of this new album. Howard asked what song she's going to do. She said she's doing ''Lover, You Should've Come Over.'' Howard said that she's not out of the Dixie Chicks. Natalie said they're working this summer at some festivals. Howard asked if they split the money equally. Natalie said they do.
Howard said if she wants the album to hit she has to hit the clubs and go out on tour. Natalie said she could do that. She said she hasn't booked any gigs. She's working this summer though. Howard said it's going to be difficult. Natalie said that's why she's doing shows this summer.
Howard had Natalie and her guitar player play their song after that. The song is on Natalie's new album ''Mother'' which came out today.
After the song Howard said that was music. He said she feels every bit of that. Howard asked how she chose that song. Natalie said it's the hardest song she's ever performed. She said there are a lot of layers there. She said it was interesting. She said she gets to bring a lot of emotion to it. Howard said she's looking really good today with the hot pants and fuck me shoes on. Howard said her whole body almost feels that song. Howard said he senses more passion with that. Natalie said she loves this music but she loved the Dixie Chicks music too.
Howard said that song has to be tough for Jason to play. He told Jason he should be in shorts too. Natalie said he has little bird legs.
Natalie told Howard that her husband introduced her to that song and it was the song that used to wake them up every morning. Howard asked if she's singing it to him. She said she's not really because it's kind of a sad song. She said that it's about a guy not being good enough to a person that he loved. Howard said she was very emotional with that song and she seemed to feel it all. Natalie said she does.
Howard asked Natalie if she has to practice it a lot before she does it for them. Natalie said she does mix up the lines sometimes so she had to get a word in her head to get her straight on the lyrics. She said that word was ''blood.''
Howard asked if she thinks that using a lyric sheet is wrong. Natalie said it's not but she has been accused of using lyric sheets when all she had was the music. She said she has forgotten lyrics at times but she jokes about it or has everyone start all over again.
Howard said that Natalie must have a hard time picking her favorite songs. Natalie said that they didn't over record anything for this album. She said that they would do one and then the next one would just come to her.
Howard gave Natalie some plugs for her album and said she's looking very toned. Howard said she must be working out. Natalie said she hates her arms. Howard asked if she's wearing underwear today. Natalie said she is today. Howard said she looks fabulous. Howard said he's going to get her new album ''Mother''. He said he likes what he's heard so far. Howard said he's going to Chicago to judge America's Got Talent and he's going to be extra tough. He said he's going to tell people that he has seen Natalie Maines and they're no Natalie Maines. Howard said he's America's Judge. Natalie said we're all counting on him. Howard said no one cares.
Howard said you can find out more about Natalie's music at NatalieMainesMusic.com
Natalie told Howard that he has to have The Black Keys on the show. She said they're amazing. She said they're huge fans of Howard's too.
Howard took a call from a guy who sad that song was great. He said that she was saying that song reminds her of the easy times in their marriage before their kids. Natalie said the kids are 12 and 8 now and she just worries about them so it does get complicated. Natalie said that Howard keeps her in check. The caller asked if she's at the point where she wishes for Adrian to die like she did with her first husband. Natalie said that she never said that about her first husband. She said last time she was in she just said that it was ''till death do us part'' but she had forgotten about divorce.
Howard asked Jason if he's getting laid at all. Jason said ''all the time.'' Howard asked if he's really getting laid. Natalie said that they all have admirers.
Natalie said that there's a new Daft Punk song out that makes her think of Howard when she hears it. Howard asked Fred to find it. Natalie also told Howard about a song that she hates. She said it's called Accidental Racist. Howard asked why she hates it so much. Natalie said that she was doing so well with this interview. She said that the country music is so literal and it's showing off every racist stereotype and it makes it sound so racist.
Fred found the Daft Punk song that Natalie was talking about. He played that and Natalie danced to it a little bit. Howard said she's a good dancer. Howard said he doesn't like the song. Natalie said it's danceable though. Howard tried dancing to it. He wrapped up and went to break after giving Natalie some more plugs.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that fucking Fred is hilarious. He said that he had JD whooping in the background while he played that song for Natalie. Howard said he's a great talent. He said Fred is all mixed up and he loves him.
Howard said Natalie looked very sexy today. He said when a woman can sing like that it turns him the fuck on. Robin said you can see the difference between singing and real singing now. Howard said Robin is being kooky. Robin said Howard once came in and said that he liked this song by this new girl and it was a Britney Spears song. Howard said he liked it. Robin said he liked her in that little school girl outfit. Howard said he likes Miley Cyrus music too.
Howard said he was reading in the paper about a guy who spent 4 years copying the king James bible by hand. Howard said that's a huge waste of time. Howard said the guy said that now he's going to Full Sail college. Robin said he's learned absolutely nothing from doing that.
Howard said there's a 31 year old female teacher in the paper who locked up an 18 year old student in her class and didn't let him leave until he performed oral on her. Howard said he wishes that kind of thing happened to him. Howard said he wishes he could tell more about the story but he came on his paper and he can't read it now. Howard said his teachers hated him. Robin asked if any teachers had any positive effect on him at all. Howard said a professor at college did. He said his 4th grade teacher was one he liked a lot. Howard said he was the only one who could say her name correctly. He said it was Mrs. Ripishti. Howard said most teachers just ignored him. Fred played Van Halen's ''Hot For Teacher'' while Howard was talking about this.
Robin said she had a lot of good teachers. She said that Miss Young was one who opened her eyes to Shakespeare. Howard cut her off and said he loves this Van Halen song.
Howard said he read about a kid who had allergies so bad he sent a robot to school for him. Howard said if he did that when he was a kid the robot would have gotten beat up.
Howard said he read about a 3D printer printing out guns. He said he's waiting for a printer that can print out a whole tank so he can blow people up. Robin asked why they're not printing out women or something. Howard said he was thinking about how this gun thing is gong to fuck up everything for people who wanted a 3D printer. Howard said they're outlawing the printers before he can even get his hands on one. Howard said everything is off.
Howard said he was reading about Katy Perry's parents and how they're calling her a devil child. Howard said if she's the devil child then he's the devil himself. Howard said that guy is the father. Howard said he hopes she never talks to them again. Howard said he has to get her back in there to straighten her out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Natalie Maines singing is so passionate. He said that he was getting lost on his way to work. The caller asked about the guy was a hillbilly guy who won the Wack Pack contest. Howard said the Wack Pack is a funny thing. He said they have to be keyed into the show. He said if he could he'd take a wack packer and stick them in a 3D printer and print more out.
Howard said he was reading about Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey's Disneyland visit where they got dressed up to renew their vows. Howard said they shut down the whole park for that. Howard said most couples that renew their vows every year usually end up splitting up. Howard said Heidi Klum and Seal used to do that. Howard said now look at them. He said Heidi has a big Seal tattoo on her arm. He said he bets that's coming off.
Howard read about the Disney thing and how miserable Nick must have been. Howard said that has to be her idea to do that stuff. Howard said he has to get Nick back in there to talk about this stuff.
Howard went through the Disney ceremony and how Nick was the DJ at the party they had for 250 of their friends. Howard said that Nick looks like he's wearing a Colonel Gaddafi outfit in the pictures. Howard said he should bring that up at AGT tomorrow. Howard said maybe he'll show up in a pumpkin carriage in an outfit. Howard said Nick must have been miserable. He said he talks to him about manly shit and then you see him in this Disney thing.
Howard was wondering who Major Domo was in the Cinderella story. Gary found out and told him he's the one who went around fitting the slipper to all of the women's feet. Howard said that King of All Blacks would like that job.
Howard said he had Nick and Mariah to his house and they didn't invite him to this shindig. Howard said he has to find out what was doing there. Howard said he would have deseed up as a witch. He said he wouldn't even need makeup. Howard said he even has a zit on the end of his nose. He said he has to pop that before going to Chicago. He thinks he's been zitty lately from the make up. Howard said they spray that stuff on his face. He said he must need so much that they just lay it on him. He said the make up artist tells him he has good skin though. He said he just needed a reason to bring it up.
Howard said he beat off last night. He said he was trying a bunch of different porn. He said he watched babysitter porn this time. He said the husband and wife got it on with the babysitter in this one. Howard said they were doing all kinds of stuff to the girl. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard asked Robin if she watches that show Honey Boo Boo. Robin said she tried once but she wasn't into it. Howard said he was reading about the show and some of the weird names they use. Robin said they made a mockery of marriage on that show. Howard asked if she thinks they'll get married every year. Robin said they might and they might have a crystal carriage like Nick and Mariah.
Howard read some email about the subway talent show. Howard said he got some about the Mike Tyson interview too. Howard said one guy said he belongs in the Artie Chair. Howard said that he was a mellow dude. Robin said he has completely changed. Robin wondered if the real Mike shows up at all.
Howard said he had something he wanted Robin to check out on the internet. Howard said it's called Room 8 and it's so good. He said it's a short film and people should check it out. Howard said Fred should have checked it out. Fred missed it when they had it on Moldred. Howard said if he was a smart guy he'd hire this guy to make something. He said he's busy though. Busy going to Chicago for AGT.
Robin started her news with a story about a company that's introducing a flying car. Robin said that the company is TFX and they say the car would drive like a car and it could take off without a runway. Robin said it has tilt rotor technology so it can take off from a stand still. Robin said they say the car is about 2 years from production. Howard said he'd love one of those. He said Ronnie should get one as a limo.
Robin had Howard play some audio of the cicada making their noise. Robin said that they fly around and you can almost not avoid them. Howard said he has a friend who took pictures of them. He said that they're friendly and they don't carry any disease. Robin said they're dropping their carcasses all over the place though.
Robin said an online sales tax is on its way to the senate. Robin said that they're going to have to start charging sales tax online if this passes. Robin said the vote was 69-27 so it was overwhelmingly passed. Robin said that states will be able to collect taxes from online retailers. Robin said that the online companies are undercutting local businesses so this will level the playing field. Robin said they always say this will level the playing field but it never does.
Howard wondered why a guy would spend 4 years writing the bible by hand. Howard said they invented the printing press so no one would ever have to do that again. Howard said he has to talk to that guy.
Robin asked if Howard remembers the name Wesley Warren Jr. Howard didn't. Robin said he's the guy who had the giant testicles. Howard said he remembers him now. He read how he had his testicles operated on. Howard said he lost 132 pounds when they removed the testicles. Howard said he heard that he can't interview him because they have exclusive interview rights or something. Howard said Dr. Oz offered the guy the operation if he had the interview rights and the guy turned him down. Howard said he'd do anything to get his testicles operated on. Gary said Will is working on him and they're trying to get him in there. Howard said he wants to talk to him.
Robin said that Governor Christie has undergone lap band surgery to lose weight. Howard said he wants him to lose it the old fashioned way. Robin said that he said he's struggled with it for years and he did the surgery. Howard said he knows people who got the band and they gained weight. He said it doesn't always work. He said they can eat right through it. Howard said the one that seems to work is stapling the stomach but that's more severe. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin got back to her news and read about how Anderson Cooper's home was ''SWAT'ed'' which means that someone reported that something was going on at his house and the SWAT team showed up. Howard said that costs a lot of money so if they catch the person who did it they'll really come down hard on them. Robin said that Anderson Cooper wasn't home at the time so the cops found nothing. Robin said this has happened to people in Los Angeles about a dozen times.
Howard said that Frontier Airlines is charging like $100 for carry on bags. Howard said that's something. Howard said people are going to have to smuggle on their carry on bags. Howard said maybe Fred can smuggle his bag on for him. Robin said that's ridiculous that they're charging like that.
Howard said he read that Bill Clinton tried to get Led Zeppelin together for a hurricane benefit show and they turned him down. Robin said she was going to talk about that.
Robin said she's excited about the new Gatsby movie. Howard said he read the review and he wasn't excited about it until he read the review. Robin said they keep remaking the movie and it's never good. Robin said this one might be. Robin said she only knows F. Scott Fitzgerald because he wrote The Great Gatsby. Howard said Robin is into Leonardo DiCaprio. Robin said she can't wait to see the movie. Howard said he's not that excited about it. Robin said it must be a woman's movie. Howard asked Robin to remind him of what it was about. Robin didn't know much about it other than it was a rich guy in the Hamptons who threw big parties. Howard read another live commercial after that. Fred played a clip while Howard was doing that commercial and Howard didn't know where it came from. It was a woman saying ''What, what WHAT!?'' Fred guessed it was from South Park. He was right.
Howard played another clip of a baseball player telling people to leave him alone and saying ''Let me alone... Why me, why me, why me... why did it have to be me?'' Howard said that was Ralph Branka. Gary said he's met that guy. He said he gave up the home run in a deciding game and it's known as the shot heard round the world.
Robin said that Michael Jackson's family is suing the company that last hired Michael saying that they had something to do with his death. Robin read about how Michael had his lips dyed pink and his eyebrows inked with black. Howard said he was a freak. Robin said they found he had at least one face lift and some other scars on his body. Robin said they asked the family not to be in court while they talked about all of that. Robin said they also had a toxicologist who said there were several bottles of drugs in his bedroom. Robin said they say that blood samples were taken from all four corners of his body so they could find everything that was in there. Howard said at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself.
Howard said he was reading about how they were selling meat as lamb in China but it had rat meat and other types of small animals in it. Howard said they had fox and minks in there too. Howard said that sounds like something Richard Christy would eat.
Howard said YouTube is starting some channels where you'll have to pay for content. Howard said what he's going to do is offer it up for free on HowardStern.com He said he's serious about that. He said that they offer his Howard TV stuff up on YouTube so he's going to return the favor. Howard said he's going to offer it all free on his web site and then sell his web site for $10 billion.
Robin read about a 7th grader who committed suicide at school. Robin said they found the child at 10am. Fred played some Jackie laughs while they were reading about that. Robin had some audio of an official saying they found the girl hanged in the bleachers at the school.
Robin read about these three women who were rescued in Cleveland after being missing for 10 years. Robin said the story is incredible. Robin said a neighbor saw the girls trying to get out of the house and she has some audio of the guy talking about how he figured it all out. Robin said the guy's name is Charles Ramsey. Howard said the guy is a character. Howard played the audio of Charles talking about how he saw this girl going nuts trying to get out of the house. He said the girl told him she had been in there for a long time. He said he wasn't able to get her out because there wasn't enough room. He said she told him her name was Amanda Berry. He said it didn't click at first but then he called 911 and he realized something was wrong when a little white girl ran into a black man's arms. He said she had to be homeless or she had problems. He said that's the only reason she'd run into a black man's arms. Howard said they cut him off at that point. He said he's the greatest interview ever.
Howard played more audio of this Charles Ramsey guy talking about the neighbor who had allegedly kidnapped these kids. He said that he seemed normal to him. Robin said that one of the girls has a child from one of them men. Robin said that one of the girls was missing as long as 12 years. Robin said that three men were arrested in connection with the kidnappings. Robin had the audio of Amanda calling 911 and telling them that she was finally free after being missing for 10 years. Howard said that men never stay committed to women unless they kidnap them. Howard said this little girl lived just a few miles away from family. Robin said one of the girls was 4 miles from her cousin.
Robin said that Amanda Berry's mother went to talk to a psychic on Montel Williams' show and the psychic told her that her daughter was dead. Howard said psychics should be locked up in jail. Robin said the psychic's name was Sylvia Brown. Howard said she should be locked up. Robin said the psychic told her that she saw her daughter in water and that she was dead and her last words were ''Goodbye mom, I love you.'' Howard did a live commercial read after that. Robin told that part of the story for Sal who was going on and on about the Long Island Medium yesterday. Howard said in all fairness to her he's sure she would never do anything like that.
Robin read a story about a Colonel in the military who was charged with sexual battery after allegedly fondling a woman in a parking lot. The guy was in charge of the unit against sexual assault. Howard said that's a good call on his part. Robin said that he was in a video a couple of years ago that the military put out. Robin had some audio of him speaking in a video. Robin said the woman had to fight this guy off in the parking lot before she alerted police.
Robin read about the uncle of the Boston bombing suspect, who is trying the have his nephew buried in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Robin had some audio of the uncle talking about Tamerlan Tsarnaev and how he thinks he should be buried where he was living. He hasn't been able to find a cemetery willing to bury him. Howard said he wants to bring him on AGT and use him as a judge. He said he can imagine Heidi asking what that smell is. He spent a minute talking about that.
Robin read about this guy Robel Phillipos getting out on bail. He's allegedly a friend of the Boston bombing suspect. Robin said he has to wear a tracking device and he has to stay with his mother. Howard said he thinks that they should kick him right out of the country.
Robin read about this Jodi Arias trial and how they're waiting for the verdict. Robin said that some people are obsessed with it and people are trying to multi-task at work while watching the trial. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about how she tells customers that she has to do something and then watches the trial.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who said he needs Howard's help. He said he wants to get on The Biggest Loser and he needs Howard's help getting on the show. Howard asked how he could help. Howard said he can't help him out. Eric said he has to lose 100 pounds. Howard said they're looking for people who would look good and have some life to get back to when they do. Howard said Eric is kind of retarded. Eric said he knows he could do it. Robin said he's not a good story to tell. Howard said he might look more disturbing if he did lose weight. He said he definitely is ''The Biggest Loser'' so maybe he does deserve it.
Howard said he'll mention something to Jason and Nick Cannon over at NBC. Howard said maybe he'll mention it to Howie Mandel. Eric said that they asked what inspires you the most on the application and he wrote ''All you can eat buffets.'' Howard said he will mention it for him. He said his middle name is loser so he should be on the show.
Robin read about John Kerry meeting with Vladimir Putin today. Robin said they are going to be talking about Syria. Howard said he feels kind of dumb about this. He asked if Putin is a dictator. Robin said he seems to be running the office even though he's not really in it.
Robin said that Tim Tebow is one of the most influential in team sports according to some magazine. Robin said she's not sure why that is if no one is willing to hire him. Robin said that Michael Phelps is second. Robin went through some of the other names on the list as well.
Robin read about how Rod Stewart had a weird friendship with Elton John. He told Jimmy Kimmel about that last night. Robin had some audio of that interview. Howard said Rod is going to be on the show next Monday. Robin had some audio of his new album for Howard to play. Howard said he's back to rockin'.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she got cicada earrings as a gift once. She said that they sold them on the Cape for $22 a pair. She said that she wears them occasionally. Howard said that's gross. The caller said that if she's wearing browns she'll wear them. Howard said he's going to make earrings out of the extra skin from High Pitch Eric when he's on The Biggest Loser.
Robin said Rod told some other stories about Rod Stewart and Elton John and wrapped up her news. Howard ended the show around 10:15am.
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Natalie said that Howard doesn't need the money. She said he's doing it for his love of the show but he's being pulled in two different directions. She said that's just too much.
Jon said that Howard made it clear to Gary tody that Beth wasn't really into him in that game they played. Natalie said she must have missed that game. She asked what it was about. Jon explained the game to her and how Beth had picked Gary as the one guy on staff she would bang if she had to and Sal was the last one.
Jon asked Natalie who she would say. Natalie said she would go with Gary but then quickly said she was kidding. She said she'd actually pick Will because he's cute. She said least likely would be Sal. She said only because he's so creepy and seems so fucked up with his view of women.
Jon asked Natalie about Celebrity Super Fan. Natalie said that Jeff Probst does a good job for not being a regular listener. Jon said he knows Jeff is a big fan. Jon said that Andy Richter knew a lot of stuff on the show. Natalie said he knew everything. Natalie said that Christa Miller and Danny Zuker also knew a lot. She said that Jason Alexander was knowledgeable but not about the newer shows. She said that Johnny Knoxville didn't know a lot either. She said that he knew some. She said Rob Corddry knew a lot too.
Natalie said she goes to the Jimmy Kimmel party every time. She said that everyone knows everyone else because they all love Howard. She said that they're all on common ground there. Jon asked how deep they go with the conversations. Natalie said she's just excited to be in that environment with the other super fans. She said Howard doesn't spend a lot of time there. She said that he complained about the party but they were sanding at the entrance of the house. She said that he didn't get stuck outside like he said he did. She said that Howard and Beth do stand there like the welcoming committee. She said she felt like she had about a minute to talk to him.
Jon asked Natalie about what's going on with her and Gary. He said he can't tell if there's something more going on there or not. He asked how she really feels. Natalie said that she likes him but the things that bug her are real. She said that she likes him just fine. Jon asked how she thinks Gary feels about her. She said he probably doesn't like her. She won't lose sleep over that though.
Jon asked Natalie about saying it right to Gary's face that day. She said that she felt bad because Mary was right there on the couch. She said she would have asked her about Gary listening to her if she knew that was her on the couch.
Natalie said Howard has been making fun of Gary for years and years. Gary came in and asked what she was saying about him making fun of him. Gary said Howard pays him and makes fun of him. Natalie doesn't.
Gary said that it's tough coming from Natalie because she laughs while she's stabbing you in the back. Natalie said she listens a lot too and she feels she knows them pretty well even though she doesn't. She said that she's wrapped up in this world and she feels open to say it. She said she's just having fun.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what the joke is with Will and Pablo Francisco. Gary said it's an inside joke and he's going to move off of that. It was way too inside a joke for them to explain.
Jon asked who Gary thought Natalie would bang on the show. Gary picked Fred. He got Will as his second guest. He said he thinks that Benjy would be last. Natalie told him it would be Sal. She said that she can't bang a guy who wants to fuck a girl and have the power go out so he can kick her out naked with no clothes. She said that was so angry and fucked up when he said that. She said he said that a few years back.
Jon asked Natalie whose sexual antics she likes to hear about. Natalie said she likes Ronnie's stories. She said that she loves hearing him and picturing her grandfather talking about that. She said she has never met a grandfather like that.
Jon asked Natalie about going out to talk to Lisa G. He asked if she has to be phony with her. Natalie said Lisa isn't a phony and she seems kind of pissed at her. She said that Lisa might be a little more passionate about her. She said she's not trying to be mean about her.
Gary said that Lisa came to him and said that Natalie asked her to perform with them and there wasn't going to be a rehearsal so she turned them down. Gary said he would tell her to just do it if she had a chance like that. Natalie said they were going to do that when they were opening up for the Eagles and it may not have gone over that well if they had. She said Lisa just can't take it on the show and she sounds kind of spinster on the show sometimes. Natalie said that Lisa is pretty and thin but she wishes she wasn't so picky because she seems to think that she's better than all guys. Gary said he thinks that you get to a point where if you're not married you just don't need to get married. Natalie said she's fine with that but Lisa doesn't seem super happy. Gary said he wonders if she's kind of a girly girl who dreams about the big wedding but doesn't really want to be married after that.
Natalie said she would like to meet Lisa's parents. She said that she'd love to know where she came from. Gary said they could do that with everyone's parents on Howard 101. They went to break a short time later.
Natalie said that Steve likes a band that she wasn't into but he's so right about the Black Keys. She said that they're the rock band now and they're great. Gary said he thinks they're interesting but Howard isn't interested. Gary said that it would have been great if she had brought in the Black Keys to back her up today. Natalie said she should have done that. She said they live in Nashville though. Natalie said they have such a level of talent.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's glad that Steve approves of her music. He said that he sees that Natalie has gone softer with her music and he asked if she thinks she's lost her voice. Natalie said not at all. Gary said he thinks that she's gotten move cerebral if anything.
Jon asked Natalie about the Dixie Chicks and how she came in about 10 years into the band. She said that she loves what they do and did. She said that they did something different than the typical country. Natalie said that they're still banned from some stations around the country. She said that it was really frustrating to her. She said that they were banned from either Cox or Cumulus. She said that they did a corporate ban and it's un-American to do that.
Jon asked Natalie if she had to warm up this morning on her way in. She said she did do that this morning. She said they ran the song twice in the SUV on the way in. She said it was very early in the morning to be singing. Gary said if you sound good at 8 in the morning then you're good. He said he's heard people not sing very good in the morning and only because it was so early.
Gary asked how long Natalie has been listening to the show. She said since 2005 she's been listening like crazy. She said that she didn't hear him when Howard used to call her a pig when she came out against the war in Iraq. She said she had heard him in Dallas but she would hear maybe an hour in the morning. She said when she was in Austin she heard some more. Natalie said she has never listened to the shows where he was so horrible to them. She said that she loves Howard so much and she loves how he sticks to his guns about freedom of speech and things like that.
Natalie said that things had turned around for them in 2005. She said that she loves listening on Sirius because she can listen on the app and fast forward and rewind and all of that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Natalie could sit in for a week or maybe one of the other celebrity super fans. Natalie said that Mitch Hedberg would have been great sitting in but he's dead now so that won't work. She said she thinks that Andy Richter would be good too.
Gary said that it's hard to have a Celebrity Super Fan show with people who are as intense at listening as Natalie is. Gary said that he's called some people who haven't listened in a while. He said that if you give some of them a month's notice they might listen and catch up. Natalie said that Kevin Bacon seems to be a big fan. Gary said they tried a few people like Molly Shannon and Sarah Silverman too. He said that he wanted to get Chris O'Donnell on too but they just didn't work out. They went to break after that.
Jon said that the MTV VJs came in today. Gary said he loved that. He said that they were the first of their kind. He said that when they saw them playing videos nothing like that had happened before. He said that he thought that they were the one and only.
Jon asked Gary if he regrets auditioning for MTV. Gary said he didn't at all. He said the idea of being one of them was so exciting. He said he reads the book now and he's glad he didn't get the job.
Jon said that they were ''it'' back then but they just kind of went away. Jon asked what Natalie thinks about that. Natalie said that she liked making videos and she's rather not spend the money on videos. She said that it was hard making the money back. Natalie said that they could sell a lot of records back in the day. She said that she's not sure where anyone watches them now. She said that she saw a Rihanna video that looked to be a million dollar video. She said that they're still making some. Natalie said that Sony used to put up a million bucks for a Dixie Chicks video but not anymore. She said she's not even on the front page of iTunes anymore. She said that means Sony isn't putting the money up for advertising.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Natalie was great today and she should keep rockin it up like she's doing. Jon asked if she has other songs that she'd like to cover. Natalie said there are a few other songs she'd like to cover.
Jon asked what Natalie thinks about Howard's dancing and his taste in music. Natalie said the dancing was great. She said that Howard's music taste is kind of stale. Natalie said that she's sure she'll end up where Howard is at some point when her kids leave the house. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
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Mr. Skin Minute, Stink Finger And Other Stuff. 5/9/02. 8:05am
KC told Howard about this guy earlier in the show. He goes out dressed as the Crocodile Hunter but finds bums on the street and marks them like animals. Howard played a clip of the guy on tape wrestling with a homeless guy so he could mark the guy's forehead with a number. He does it just like the Crocodile Hunter guy on the Discovery Channel. They measure him like he's a crocodile and hold him down while he asks what the hell they're doing. He then marks the guy and lets him go back off into the wild. KC said you can check their stuff out on BumFights.com. Howard said this stuff just isn't right and it's got to be illegal. Howard had them play a second clip where they find a guy in a sleeping bag and duct tape his hands together so he can't fight back. The homeless guy just tells the guy that he's got nothing for them. The Bum Hunter then marks the guy with a number 111 on his head. He points out the amount of dandruff the guy has and talks about the clothing he's wearing before releasing him.
Sal And Richard's Latest Stuff. 05/09/12. 6:30am
Howard said Sal and Richard have been busy lately. He said they called a public access TV show where they had a singer on. Howard said it sounds weird to him. Howard played the clip and they had some kind of wrestling show on. They had a singer on the show and they took a call from Richard who said he was calling in to make sure it was a live show. He said he called last week and it wasn't live. The host said they're live every second Thursday. They kept going back and forth and Richard said he was just making sure it was the right show. Then Richard started getting into the wrestling stuff even though the wrestlers weren't there live. Richard said he had some questions for them but they weren't going to be on until later. Richard was acting confused and the host asked them to hang up on him. They had the singer perform on the show and they left some of that awful performance. Howard laughed as the woman was singing.
Howard just said ''wow'' after hearing that. Howard said she did another song later in the show that the guys recorded. Howard said the show must be so lame that they have her on for two songs. Howard said public access is such a thing of the past. You can have your own show on the internet. He said there's no reason for public access.
Howard played the woman's second song. He said they have to get her on this show. Howard goofed on her awful singing and laughed as it was happening. Fred played some Tarzan yelling clips as she was singing. Fred threw in some elephant sounds too. Howard did his impression of the woman singing as Fred played the sounds.
Howard wondered what that woman looks like. The host applauded her performance. Howard asked the guys what she looked like. Richard said she was pretty hot but she dressed like a gypsy. Richard said she looks kind of like Kari Wuhrer in a movie she did recently. Howard said Kari was pretty hot in the past.
Howard said there's a parody clip going around the internet with Pam Anderson on Wheel of Fortune. Howard said that Pat Sajak just wants to hear from Pam and no one else on the show. Howard said Pat has her bouncing up and down and they lower the wheel so she has to bend over even further.
Howard played more of the public access show. He had to hear more of that woman talking. She was talking about herself as if she's an artist. Howard said he likes that she thinks she's an artist. Robin said she is an artist.
Howard played the woman's song and tried singing along to it. Howard said he should bring her out with him on AGT. He said he would have put her through just to keep her on. He let her song play through some more and laughed. Howard said it's excellent. Fred played some more sound effects as that played. Howard was cracking up hearing the song.
Howard said that chick must be way hot if anyone is putting her on. Howard said she's like that Lana Delray who is really bad but she's hot. Howard was cracking up as Fred played more goofy clips behind the song. Richard said he thinks the dude came at the end of that. Howard said the guy was just thrilled he had a guest. He was cracking up laughing and said ''what a show...'' Richard said he'd make Howard a DVD of the show. Howard said he hasn't laughed that hard in a long time. Robin asked what the host looks like. Richard said he looks like an Italian Long Island guy... like James Gandolfini.
Richard said they have special effects that look like they came from the 1980s. He said the show is on every other Thursday. Howard said he has to see the show. Richard said he Googled the woman's name but nothing came up. Howard said the Chinese must have banned her from searches.
Howard said Macy Gray is coming in today and she's going to cover ''Creep.'' He said that she's very nervous to come in. He said he told her not to be nervous. Howard said she wants to do well and he's sure she will.
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In the clip Howard was talking to Stuttering John about losing his father's insurance. John said his father is applying for new insurance. Howard said his dad should apply for a new son.
Howard said John left an answering machine message for Gary and it was great. Howard said it rivals the Joey Ramone answering machine message. Howard said he realizes why John stutters so much. He said he has so much going on in his head that he can't get it out. He said he has to empty them out of his head and slow down. Howard said this might be the best tape message ever.
Howard played the tape and John was telling Gary about his father's insurance police being canceled and how his license was suspended. He said he can get someone to fill in for him. John was stuttering quite a bit during the message. He said his parents weren't too excited about this whole thing.
Howard said he's not sure what John was saying toward the end there. Howard said he was yelling at John this morning about that whole thing. He said he's always talking about money and how he can't pay his tickets. Howard said if he ever got a ticket he would just pay it. Howard asked John what's up with that hair of his. He said when he was in college he had long hair and he's not sure why John thinks that's what gets him pulled over. Howard said he gets pulled over if he's speeding. Howard said he got pulled over and got a ticket for speeding. He didn't get out of that one. He said his wife got a ticket the other day too. He said she mentioned Howard Stern and pulled out a PBA card and they still gave it to her. Howard said that you have to show the card right away before they start writing the ticket.
Howard said John gets pulled over for driving too fast. Howard said he has to slow down. Howard asked if his dad makes good money. John said he probably makes around 100 grand a year. Howard said maybe he should buy him a nice car. John said he won't do that. Howard said if he goes the speed limit he'll be fine. John said he's only gotten one speeding ticket. He said he had one for failure to stay right.
Robin said John came to pick her up one day and she thought the car looked like something the Beverly Hillbillies would drive. Howard said he can't afford a nice car so he understands that. John said he thinks that he's getting pulled over for his long hair.
John said he got pulled over once and they pulled him over for not wearing his seat belt. Howard said all you have to do for that is tell the cop you were wearing it. He said they can't tell if you weren't. Howard said they can't prove it. Howard said he's giving him these tips and he should listen. Howard said he's taught John everything he knows.
John said he was pulled over and the cop said he had to take his license because his dog wasn't licensed. He said he hasn't had a dog since 11th grade. Howard asked if he ever got a ticket for that. John said he doesn't think so. He didn't remember getting one. John said he didn't believe the cop. He told the guy to get out of there.
Howard said he would tell John that all he had to do was pay the ticket. He said he's complicating his own life. He said John must love that attention. John said that his suspended license is $1,200. He said he doesn't have that kind of money. Howard said his old man could bail him out at any time.
John mentioned that he's spending a lot of money on recording his music. Howard told him to stop with that. He said he should get a record deal and then make albums. He said if they're really good they'll be discovered. Howard said he has to stop with the fancy labels and stuff. John said that didn't cost that much. Howard said he has to get a grip on reality. John said that Def Leppard put out their album like that. Howard said he doesn't have time to talk to him.
Robin asked what John did when the cop took his license away. John said he had to walk home that day. He said he told his parents about that and they told him to get out of there.
Howard told John he has to calm down and get a grip on his life. He said he's the master of his own fate. He said he's the captain. Howard said he wants John to write that down on a piece of paper 100 times. He said if he wants stardom then he should stutter on those albums.
Howard told John he's good musically and he's a talented guy. He said he gets into trouble with the law over dumb stuff though. He said he heard about what he and his friends do hanging out windows and stuff. John said that's ridiculous. Howard said he has to start behaving rationally. John said Gary is using one example of something they did just once. John said he wasn't even driving that night. Gary asked if they all got frisked that night. John said they did but he wasn't driving.
Howard said cops will not pull you over if you're not doing anything wrong. Howard said he's never been pulled over for not doing something wrong. Howard said if you're hanging out a window then you're doing something wrong. Howard said if he didn't do that he wouldn't get frisked.
Howard told John that he could pay his fines and just get that stuff out of the way. John said that he got a ticket for driving with a suspended license and he didn't even know he had that. Howard told him to get rid of that ''winner'' shirt and get a ''loser'' shirt instead.
Howard said he wants to see a change in his attitude. He had him repeat after him a little bit and then told him to get out of there. Howard said he hasn't gotten through to him yet.
John said he's going to get Howard to take care of his problem. Howard said that's a move in the right direction. John also said that Howard gave him a PBA card from 1987 and the cops just laugh at that. Howard said he gave him what he had in his wallet. Howard said he'll get him a new one if that didn't work. Howard told him to get out and stay out. He said he has to hammer this stuff into his head. Howard kept telling him to get out. He eventually left. Howard said he might have a nervous breakdown from him.
In the clip Howard said that Jackie was at a Russian bath house and he ran into actor John Amos. Howard said he was on Good Times and in Roots. Howard said Jackie ran into him and then Gary told Jackie that John was on the phone for him. Jackie said he just said hello to him. He said that John told him to say hello to him. He said that's all it was.
Howard had John on the phone so he took the call and said he never bought the premise between him and Florida Evans on ''Good Times.'' John said he didn't want to go there. Howard said Esther Rolle is a good actress but she's not really his type. John said she was a great woman.
Howard asked John what he was doing at the bath house. John said it's a good way to get the toxins out. He told Howard that a lot of celebrities go there. Howard asked if he sits there naked. John said that some days you do. Howard asked if regular guys come in and see his penis. Robin asked if Jackie was naked. Jackie said he might go back just to see John. Howard said everyone should go there to see John.
Howard got back to Good Times and asked John about doing love scenes with Esther Rolle. John said she was a lovely lady. Howard asked if he ever asked the writers about how this didn't seem like reality. Howard said he used to say that he deserved an Emmy for playing her lover. Howard said he would rather kiss a walrus. He said he didn't mean any offense to Esther. Howard said she would say his character name, James, in that very odd way. Billy West did his impression of her talking.
Howard said John should have been doing the daughter on the show. John said she did like to indulge in the groceries so he wondered if he'd need a forklift at some point.
Howard said John is in a new show. John told Howard how he was let go from Good Times and how he had some differences with the people over there. Howard said he should have ridden that show out as long as he could have.
Howard asked John about going on to do Roots and how big of a deal that was. Howard said John is in pretty good shape. Howard said maybe he'll put him in his movie. Robin said maybe he won't want that role if Howard is getting too much attention. John said he would be in it. Howard said he'll send him a script... as soon as he writes it.
Howard said John walked off Good Times and he was making tons of money. John said he was making pounds of money. He said he was getting a salary.
Howard said John was in Coming to America with Eddie Murphy too. John said he had a good time with that. He said that Eddie and Arsenio were good in the movie. Howard said they were all brilliant in the movie. Howard said it was just a good, all around movie.
Howard asked John if he's married. John said he's divorced twice now. He said he's waiting for Robin. Howard said that's great. He said it must be great to be dating. Howard asked if he gets it every night of the week. John said he and Robin will talk about that later. Howard asked if he gets to hump girls at the Russian baths. John was laughing. Howard said he might have to go there with him some day. Howard said Robin is available too.
Howard asked John if he's dating. John said you could say that. John said he had two California divorces so he was cleaned like a chitlin. Howard asked John if he had to succumb to the temptations in the business. John said he didn't have anyone he cared to mention. Howard said he happens to know he had a love affair with Kate Smith. John just laughed. Howard said he had a couple of the Charlie's Angels. John said he didn't.
Robin asked if he has any kids. John said he has a daughter and a son. Howard asked if those are from the first wife. John said that's right. Howard said it must have been tough to leave that family. John said they stayed close for a while. He said his daughter just left the house recently.
Howard said John must do whatever he wants to now. He said he can date when he wants and he can sleep with whoever he wants. Howard asked if he can get models. John said he supposes that's possible.
Howard asked if he had to give up half of his stuff when he was in California. John said that's what they do there.
Howard asked John what it's like when a model puts her hand down his pants for the first time. John just laughed. Gary said that John has been linked to the woman who plays the wife on the show ''Rock.'' John said they were an item for a while. He said they aren't now. Howard asked if she's dating Sinbad now. John said he understands that she's married now. Howard said John should keep just playing the field.
Howard asked John about this new show 704 Hauser. He asked how he got back together with Norman Lear on that. John said that their lives have changed and they managed to work things out. He had worked with Lear on Good Times.
Howard said that's amazing that he patched things up. John said they went in and talked to Norman after Norman called. He said that they worked things out and now they're working together. John said he was flattered that he called him. Howard asked if he thinks that he's going to call him. John said that he talked to Norman about Howard and he was very happy with the interview he did with him. Howard said it sounds like he's living the perfect life. He said if he had killed his wives then he'd be all set. Howard said it was a pleasure talking to him. Howard gave him a plug for 704 Hauser. He said it's almost like an Archie Bunker kind of thing. Howard said he's glad that Jackie ran into John at the bath house. He said he will have to go down and hang out with him there sometime too. He let John go a short time later.
Howard asked Jackie about what it was like hanging out with John. Jackie told Howard about where they saw each other and what the bath house is like. He said the bath house thing is great. He said you end up sweating a lot and it's just great. He said they serve liquor there and you can get health food there too. He said there are all kinds of people there. He said his friend Billy used to go there a lot. He said he dragged him there and that's how it happened. Howard said he has a steam thing in his shower but he only used it a couple of times. Jackie said it's more of a sauna than a steam. Howard said he would hate that even more.
Howard asked Jackie what the place is like and how he could keep people from seeing his private parts. Howard said he would have to be able to hide somewhere. Jackie told Howard that you're hidden whenever you're changing. He said he'd be fine. Jackie said when he was changing he and his friend were the only two there. Jackie said they have a coed day there too and you have to wear shorts on those days. He said Howard would be fine on that day. They talked about getting massages there too but Howard wasn't interested in a ''pro massage'' like Jackie was describing. They went to break a short time later.
Riley Martin's Show Reviewed. 05/09/06. 6:35am
Howard said he listened to Riley Martin's show last night. He said the show is all bullshit but Riley has so much research that he has a great rap when he's talking about the stuff he talks about. Howard changed subjects and asked Gary to get that guy Cris Angel on the phone so they can ask him about the David Blaine thing. He took a call from a guy who said that he was watching that show last night and Blaine's lips did turn blue and when they gave him oxygen the color came back. He thinks the whole thing was real because of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said there's a web site out there that shows how Cris Angel does his levitation trick. He said the site is FileCabi.com. The guy was also saying he thinks that Blaine was actually holding his breath in that trick he did last night. Gary came in and said that he left Cris a message to call them back.
Robin wondered how they dragged out that David Blaine thing for two hours. They had a lot of filler during that two hours. Howard changed subjects again and said that New York magazine has called him a very influential entertainer after Time Magazine put him on their 100 list. He played an audio clip where a reporter talked about him being on the New York Magazine list.
Howard got back to the Riley Martin show discussion. He said that great radio is anything that keeps you tuned in and he had to listen to Riley's show. This was his third show on Howard 101 and Howard was afraid that he was going to miss something if he tuned out.
Howard said he has to compliment the audience for asking real questions instead of goofing on Riley. He was going to call in himself and ask a question about the Skreed after doing some research on them on Riley's web site TheComingOfTan.com. Howard started doing his impression of Riley and then played some audio clips from the show. In one clip Riley was talking about the propulsion system of the mother ship and he made it sound legitimate.
Artie said that this is the guy who should have taken over for Howard, not David Lee Roth. Howard continued to play the clip where Riley was describing the propulsion system and Artie was laughing his ass off. Howard said that the guy who works with Riley, Curtis Cooperman, is even better. He asks questions that keep Riley on a roll. Howard played another clip where Curtis asks Riley about the extinction of the dinosaurs and how the aliens are the ones who irradiated all of the dinosaur eggs to clear way for higher life forms.
Riley talks about how the poles of the Earth were changed when the aliens set off massive thermonuclear explosions. Howard took a call from a guy who said he likes how Riley made up the word ''insectillians'' for his show. Howard played more of Riley talking about the dinosaur extinction. Riley says that after 100 years or so after the thermonuclear explosions, the aliens were able to reintroduce the animals that they wanted to keep.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that when he does the really long shows, he loves it. Howard said he can't do a long show today, he has meetings and stuff he needs to get to. Howard said he could do a 10 hour show a day if people would just free him up. Howard said he has listened to his own show and it is funny.
Howard had a bunch of Riley Martin clips but he wasn't sure how much more they could take. Robin said she loves Riley and Artie said that he used to be annoyed by this guy but now he loves him. Howard played another clip where a caller tried to do his Riley Martin impression but it wasn't very good. Howard went into his impression and said he was going to call the show as Riley and claim that he was the real Riley and the one on the air was actually a Skreed.
Howard played another clip where Riley talks about how the aliens smoke weed. The caller who asked him about it claimed he was taking a hit off his bong so Riley just laughed. Gary came in and said that Riley's show is a huge success based on the number of phone calls they get. He said that Tim Sabean was telling him that Riley's show has doubled the number of calls that the best Wrap Up Show got.
Howard played another clip where Riley talks about traveling at the speed of light and what that feels like. As the clip was playing Artie as laughing his ass off. Howard said that this guy has some line of bullshit. Gary told Howard that Riley's show gets 3500-4000 calls an hour and there are some shows on SIRIUS that don't get that many in a week.
Howard said that if Riley's show is a hit, they have to have someone else who could have a hit show. Maybe Elegant Elliot Offen. He had a voice mail that Elliot left where he went off on him because they told Elliot that they didn't want to have him on every day. He told Howard that he's all washed up among other things.
Howard gave Bob Levy a few plugs for his upcoming gigs and then went to commercial break.
In the clip Howard was talking about an interview Robin did with a magazine about her book ''Quivers: A Life'' and how Jackie was going to do a reading. They spent a minute talking about that and then Jackie did his reading doing his impression of Robin. Jackie started reading but Howard told him to start out slower and work into it. He said he likes it better when he does it like that.
Jackie started over and did his Robin impression as he read an excerpt from this interview. Jackie would read Robin's parts as Robin and come out of that voice when he read the other parts. Jackie would get really animated and go overboard with his impression of her.
Jackie said Robin says she didn't do this for therapy for herself, she did it as therapy for others. The interviewer said that she said this in a very loud voice. Howard said Robin does like to be heard.
Howard congratulated Robin on another wonderful article. Robin said that this was all about Jackie. She said they asked her about the guys on the radio show having a great time with some of the things in the book. Jackie said that she does mention that the crew has erupted into a euphoria over this book. Robin said that it was generally about Jackie. They wrapped up with that a short time later.
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In the clip Howard was talking about the funny sketch they did about him on Saturday Night Live that week. Howard said that Michael McKean played him. He said that Phil Hartman was in the sketch and played Governor Cuomo. Howard said he got a call from Dan Forman who told him how funny it was. Howard did his impression of Dan calling him and telling him about it.
Howard said he has audio of the sketch. Robin said she saw some of it but not the whole thing. Howard and Robin were talking about the parts they liked in the sketch. Howard said that his mother was talking about how happy Snapple must be with the plug they got in it. Howard said he's not sure why he never got a national commercial thing with them. Robin said she figured they'd be the ones if anyone ever did. Howard said he did too.
Howard said Michael McKean did a great Howard Stern impression. He said that he thought it was funny but Dan Forman didn't think it was very funny. He said Dan thought the impression was good but the sketch wasn't funny. Howard said he had to listen to a 45 minute dissertation from Dan about why the bit didn't work. Howard said Dan thinks they did it to get ratings during Sweeps. Howard said John Goodman was the host and he did a monologue. Robin said she didn't last through that. Howard said he made it to the first sketch and thought it was pretty lame. He said Dan turned it off during the monologue. Howard said he's not sure why they insist on doing a monologue if they can't write a good one. He said that show was particularly bad.
Howard said they did a real good job with the Howard Stern sketch. He said he has tape of it but he's not sure it'll play out well on radio. He played the clip anyway. In the sketch they were doing a parody of a gubernatorial debate between Howard and Governor Cuomo. They had a woman doing a Robin impression who introduced Howard, played by Michael McKean. Robin said they should have had some of his fans in the crowd. Howard said they did that in the bit too. He said she missed it so she didn't know. Howard said Jackie was excited because they gave him a plug at the end of the sketch.
Howard played more of the audio and McKean had Howard's laugh down pretty good. Howard laughed when he heard that. Howard said it really was a great sketch. Howard told Gary to get Michael McKean on the phone. He played more of the audio and you hear Chris Farley and someone else yelling out ''Stern rules!'' and ''We love you Howard!'' McKean let out a belch as Cuomo (Played by Phil Hartman) was speaking. Then McKean takes over and gives his thoughts on what he has to do as governor. Then he got in a plug for Snapple and had Cuomo take a sip. Howard said the sketch is really funny. He said it plays over the radio pretty good too.
Howard played more of the audio where Sarah Silverman plays a reporter and Howard tells her she's hot. Then Adam Sandler comes out as Baba Booey. Howard said he had big teeth and they were just about over his chin. Howard said he looks real confused too. Robin said he had a curly wig on too. He tells Howard that he has to go to a funeral for some DJs they beat. McKean then does the ''Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!''
Howard said that was a really good sketch. Howard said the woman who plays Robin had her smile down. Robin said she didn't see that much of it. Jackie said he hadn't seen it yet either. He said he couldn't wait. Howard said it made him feel famous. He said no one was going to know who it was except the people in New York. Robin said it was so funny with Fafa Fooey and Jackie getting mentioned. Howard said they left Fred out. He said he'll call and ask them to include Fred next time.
Howard wondered if they'd ask him to host the show. Howard said he'd probably turn it down. He said he'd want to write the whole hour and a half himself. He said he's not sure he'd want them writing his material.
Howard said Michael McKean was very funny in that bit. He said he's been good on the show over the years too. They went to break after that.
In the clip Howard said John got an interview with Billy Crystal. Howard said that John got him a couple of years ago and played that interview where Billy kind of blew John off. Howard said that the guy acts like he's running show business. He said he's kind of gotten out of hand.
Howard said that John had a bunch of questions for Billy. He played the clip and John tells him that his name is Paul. He asked Billy a few questions and Billy quickly got upset. He told John to take those questions back to Howard and shove them up his fucking ass. Billy said Howard dumps on him all the time and it's not fun. He said he knows they'll take this and dump all over him on the show. They started doing impressions of Billy complaining to John.
Howard said he had to listen to that again. John told Howard that Billy took the list of questions. Howard laughed when he heard that. Howard said the next question was ''Why can't Martin Short get arrested?'' Howard said there were a bunch of them that John didn't get to. Howard said maybe he can call in with his other answers. Howard replayed the interview after that. Howard said one of the questions they were going to ask was ''Isn't it ironic that Mr. Saturday Night closed on Saturday Afternoon?'' Billy West did his impression of Jackie while they were talking about that. They spent a couple more minutes on that before going to break.
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In the clip Robin was reading her news and read a story about 16 year old boy who had died. Robin said the kid's parents got a call from the police after a neighbor smelled something burning. Robin said they found that the kid had some pornographic magazines and one was called ''Ovid Now.'' The magazine described a sexual toy that could be made from the fresh heart of a cow, a simple electrical circuit and some batteries. Robin said they found the kid lying in his bedroom with a cow's heart wrapped around his genitals with some electrodes on it. He electrocuted himself when he plugged it into an electrical outlet. Robin said the kid was cooked. Howard said that's a hell of a way to be found. Robin said his parents were out on vacation and they had to be told how he died.
Howard went through the explanation with the police and what they might have told the parents. Robin said the parents were in Florida on vacation at the time. Howard said he's a step away from that. He said he had a woman's private parts that he tried. He said it was modeled after Savanna the porn star. Howard said it even had hair on it. He said he tried it and the capillaries in his weenie burst. He said that's really embarrassing. He said he locked his bedroom door before trying it. He said he was naked with a piece of rubber. He said it took him 5 minutes to realize he needed some kind of lubricant. Jackie asked how he didn't know that. Howard said it didn't say anything in the instructions.
Howard asked what you do with the cow heart. Jackie said it might be like jump starting you and it makes the muscle throb. He said you must hook it to the side and it makes it move. Robin said that must be it. Howard said he'd rather be with rubber than a cow's heart. Howard asked where you get the heart. Robin said the supermarket or the butcher shop. Jackie said anyone who wants to buy one now is going to be looked at funny.
Howard said that's a pretty wild story. He told Gary to get him a cow heart so he can try it on the show tomorrow. He said he'll give it a shot. Why not? Howard said it's not cheating if it's with a cow heart.
Robin read a story about a widow who is suing a funeral home who she paid $6,000 for a coffin that her 6'9'' tall husband would fit in. It turns out they cut her husband's head off and stuck it between his legs. This was over in Italy. Robin said the woman was horrified. She's suing the funeral home now. Howard said they should have cut off his feet instead. Fred said they could have cut holes in the bottom of the coffin and let his legs hang out.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 9:00am.
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Today's Best of the Week was over around 9:50am.