|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Crazy Black Alice Meets High Pitch Erik. 6/22/00. 8:10am
Crazy Alice who's been on the show yelling at people on the phones in the past, came in this morning to meet High Pitch Erik. Howard heard that Alice was perfuming herself up like crazy before she came in. She told Howard that she did that because she was afraid of sweating in front of him. Alice brought in a picture of Howard that she got someplace and wanted to show it to him. Howard didn't want her getting up from her seat so he told her not to move. She thought that he might be afraid of her for some reason. Jackie was cackling in the background so Alice asked ''What the hell you laughing at you fat, bald headed faggot?'' That just made Jackie laugh harder.
Howard spent some time catching up with Alice. He found out that she's on a lot of different drugs to help her with her thyroid problems, mental problems and sleeping problems. She seemed a little more mellow than she has in the past.
Howard asked Alice why she wanted to meet High Pitch Erik today. She said that he seems like a nice person and he gets treated like crap by the likes of Crazy Cabbie. She doesn't have anything against Cabbie but said he shouldn't have treated Erik the way he did. Erik came in all dressed up to meet his new friend. Howard reminded everyone that Erik just lost his virginity to porn star Dynamite. Erik plugged the web site where he lost his virginity, RealPornWorld.com, a couple of times like he was probably told to. Alice said she's not looking to be Erik's girlfriend or anything. She's just going to be a friend to him.
Howard started taking phone calls for Alice and that always leads to her yelling and screaming at the callers. She was pretty mellow for a while but when people started bad mouthing her and calling her fat and ugly she started to go a little crazy. There were also a couple of callers who complained about Erik coming on to them while they were on AOL. Erik denied it but these guys swear that he was telling them that he liked their pictures. King of all Blacks called in and said that Alice must be a virgin. He was right. She ended up calling KOAB fat and ugly so he called back a short time later to yell at her. The two of them went at it for a little while before Howard cut off KOAB.
Benjy, who went out with Alice once, came in to profess his love for her. He started to sing a song but Howard cut him off after about 5 words. He had to kick him out of the studio because he was just acting like an idiot.
Alice and Erik are going to take in a movie later today and just hang out for a while. There won't be anything sexual happening between the two of them.
TDiHH: Clarence Clemons - July 26, 1995. 07/26/12. 6:30am
Next up on This Date in Howard History they played a segment from 1995 when Clarence Clemons visited.
In the clip Howard and Robin were preparing for a Mystery Guest to come in. They had the guest come in after they were all blindfolded. Howard and Robin asked questions and tried to guess who it was. They eventually figured out it was Clarence Clemons.
Howard said Clarence is back for his second try with Robin. Howard said he thought it would be funny to see the look on Robin's face to have him in there. Howard said Clarence invited himself back in there. He was just there two weeks ago or so. Howard said he made a play for Robin and he's in love with her.
Howard replayed some of the appearance Clarence made a couple of weeks back where he was sweet talking Robin and telling her what he'd like to do with her.
Howard said this is like Mike Tyson hitting someone in the jaw with his best punch and they don't go down. Howard said every guy has gone through this kind of thing. He said the man has to make the first move and it's not comfortable to do. Howard said he's just throwing it out there to see what sticks. Howard said Clarence went nuts when he saw Robin. Clarence said it was a magical moment. Howard said Robin teased him to the point of blue balls. Robin told him to stop it. She said they don't need to re-live this. Howard said they really do.
Howard said Clarence is upset because he went to Bruce Springsteen's house and told him he was going to bang her and he hasn't been able to do it yet. Robin said this is an embarrassing thing. She said she's not angry at Clarence.
Howard asked Clarence how he's going to make this up with Robin. Robin said she doesn't mix business with pleasure. She said the show is business. Howard said this is real serious business. He said there's no reason to have uncomfortable feelings there. Robin said she'll leave when he comes in if he wants her to. Clarence said he's not over the fact that she didn't call him back. Robin said that he'll get over it. Clarence said he thinks he's over it right now.
Howard said he thought he was going to be in her pants. He thought it was a done deal. Robin told him to stop lying. Howard said he really thought he was going to be in her pants that afternoon. Clarence said that wasn't his main objective. Howard said he would have given her a week at the most.
Howard said he heard Clarence called Robin and got all romantic with her. Robin said she might have to bring that call in so everyone can hear it.
Howard said Clarence seems to be very good at this. Robin said she has a separate life from this show. She said that she doesn't even know how to explain it but it has nothing to do with Clarence. She said her business life and personal life are separate. Howard asked if Clarence should avoid getting to know her personally. Howard said she does go roller blading and horseback riding after the show. He said she might be trying to warn him.
Howard said every guy can understand this. He said they've all been through it. Howard said people love a romance story though. He said that's why they do so well at the movies. Robin said she hates those kind of movies. Howard said America thought they were going to have a romance there. Howard said Clarence made his play and it didn't work. Howard said this could have been a romance. Clarence said he gave her his best stuff too.
Robin said that she is very angry over this and she may have to leave the show after this. Howard said she's not allowed in his studio. Howard said Robin is always saying it's just a show. Howard said he'll take his lumps.
Howard said they have to plug Clarence's new album. Howard said if he had just nailed her everything would be fine. Howard said she'd be yelling at Clarence instead. Robin said she's not speaking to Howard, Fred, Jackie, Fred, Gary or Billy. Billy said he didn't even do anything. Robin said that he was in the room so he's on the list.
Clarence said he's not sure what to say. He said he won't call her again. Howard wondered what he did that was so bad. Robin said he had him in as a mystery guest. Jackie said they all had that idea individually. Robin said that's why she's so angry with all of them. Howard said Jackie had the idea to have him in but he didn't know that Gary had already booked it.
Howard asked Clarence about the new album and if it's doing well. Clarence said it is doing well. He thanked Howard for having him back in. Robin was still going off on everyone about the whole set up. She said she wouldn't get involved with anyone in rock and roll after this. Howard said he's in the dog house after all of this. He asked if she'll give Clarence a signed 8x10 as a parting gift. Robin asked if it's before she breaks it or after.
Howard asked if he could give the picture to Clarence. He just gave it to him without Robin approving. Clarence kissed it and said ''What could have been...'' Howard said he'll see her after the break.
Special K comes in to the studio. 6/17/96.
That 56 year old woman who gives oral favors to 100 men a month came in this morning. She's short, 135 pounds with a b-cup. Howard said that she looks like any old mother that you'd meet. She said that she left her husband because he was cheating on her with not only women but MEN! So she decided to give oral favors to 100 men a month to get back at him. I thinks that she's succeeded. Howard got a look at her schedule and saw that on June 3 she did her thing to 13 guys! In one day! She goes to stock brokers mostly. Howard also invited Captain Janks and Crack-Head Bob(Bob George Harvey) down to meet her and possibly get oral favors from her. Those two came down and so did Marshmallow Mike, the guy who ate the marshmallow out of Jackie's ass. Janks wasn't impressed with the looks of this woman and said that he wouldn't let her do it to him. Crack-head Bob sounded interested and so did Marshmallow Mike. Of course they weren't allowed to do it in the studio but Howard told them to get a hotel room or something. Bob hasn't gotten laid in 5 years. I'm not sure about Mike. I'll let you know if there's any more to this story.
Special K and Crack head Bob on the phone. 6/19/96
The other day Special K came in to meet Howard and a few of the wacky listeners who needed to get laid. Those listeners included Captain Janks, Crack head Bob and Marshmallow Mike. Janks decided that he wanted nothing to do with her so he was kicked out of the studio. After the show Marshmallow Mike had to go back home to Boston. He probably felt the same as Janks. Didn't want some woman as old as his grandmother sucking on him. So anyway that left Crack head Bob and Grandma Special K. The E! crew followed Bob and Special to a hotel room. Bob and Special went in to the bathroom and did the deed. Cameraman, Mike Gange, told Howard that they couldn't have been in the bathroom more that a total of 2 minutes! Crack head Bob's speech pattern seemed to be a little bit better this morning according to Howard. He said that maybe Bob just needs to 'release' more often to be understandable. Bob said 'tank you wery much' to Special K for the favor. Special K thanked Howard for putting her on the air because it got her more customers! She said that she did about 7 guys yesterday and she's up to 68 guys for this month already. Only 32 more to go!
In the clip Stuttering John came in and told Howard that they have a reason to go to Scores. He said that he's getting married. The guys all figured that he was getting married because he had knocked up his girlfriend so this was a shotgun wedding.
Howard told John how dumb he is and how this is going to screw up his whole life. Howard said John is a nice guy and all but the girlfriend is going to get really frustrated after a while. Robin said she knows this relationship isn't going to last.
Howard went over some of the other women John has dated and how he's going to screw this up by cheating on his wife. John said the only way he can prove this is over time. He said he'll have to see how it goes. Howard said this girl doesn't seme to want to be a house wife. John said she's really into it and they're going to get a house. Howard said John is going to be there interning and she'll be raising the kids.
Howard said Gary screwed up his life too. Gary said he didn't. He said that he found someone he loves and he wanted to settle down. He said he's very happy. Howard said Gary had a life that was one in a billion. He said he was the only single guy on the show and he could have dated anyone he wanted to. Howard said he had it made. Howard said he was shuffling around 2 and 3 women at a time. Now he's sitting at home watching a little kid with his wife telling him what he can and can't do. He said Gary is miserable. Howard said he gets nose bleeds and he's getting headaches. Gary said he's off the medication for that. Howard said no one around there hears what he's saying.
Howard said John could have used this girl up and them moved on to the next one. Robin asked if this pregnancy was an accident. John said it was. Howard asked if it's his. John said of course it is. Howard said she's some hot tomato. He said he hopes it's white. Jackie cracked up at that line.
Howard said that he can't wait for John to come in there when he has the kid and he's miserable. Howard asked if he asked her to get an abortion. John said no. Howard said these guys are knuckle heads.
Howard told the guys that he waited a long time before he got his wife pregnant. Howard said he smells doom all over John. He said John is not ready yet. Howard said he's going to announce that he's leaving radio. John said he's financially secure so he'll be fine. Howard didn't believe that.
Howard asked John what he's going to do in 2 years when he's looking at other women. John said he doesn't understand. Howard said that man can't keep it in his pants and if he does then his eyeballs start to hurt. Howard said he's a dummy. He asked if he's stupid.
Ralph called in and said he's shocked. He said that he knows John and he must be crazier than he thought. Ralph said he's at a loss for words. He said he told him 3 years ago he was going to marry Karen. Howard said Ralph really has nothing to say.
Howard asked John if he's going to give up smoking pot. John said he doesn't get high that much. He said he's cut down. He said he might get high but not with the kid. Howard asked what he'll do when he wants to go out on a Saturday night. John said he'll stay in. He said he loves kids. Robin said it's different when you have to stay in.
Howard asked John what he's doing. He said he didn't think this through. Robin said he shouldn't have had this problem. John said he doesn't see it as a problem, only Robin does. He said he hopes he does a better job than Robin's parents did. Howard said in 2 months he'll be rubbing himself against a laser disc player like he does.
Howard said if John kills the girlfriend now he'll be out of jail in 20 years. He said he can't believe John is going to be a dad. Stuttering Dad. Howard said he's going to raise the next generation of interns. Howard said John has a friend who pays his rent and now he'll have to move out and pay all of that money himself. John said he's going to look for a new place. Gary asked if stuttering is hereditary. John said it's not.
Howard said John is going to have to go house hunting for a smaller place. John said he will not. Howard said this is a major life blunder. He said he could get so many girls. Howard said he's going to cheat and now he'll have to feel guilty about it. He can now bring Herpes home to his family. Howard congratulated him and asked how funny this is. Robin said it's a tragedy.
John said that even if his girlfriend has a miscarriage he's still going to get married. Howard said he's going to have to remember that feeling of a girl putting her hands down your pants for the first time.
Howard said John should get on the street and ask some embarrassing questions. John said he loves his job there. Howard asked what his parents think. John said they're excited. He said they're very happy about it.
Gary and John were going off on Robin for some of the things she was saying to them. Howard pointed out that Robin is happy and she doesn't complain about her life. Howard said Gary and John do. He said they're trading in their lives for what? He said he could get them a ton of girls. Howard said John thought Karen was the best thing in the world but he traded her in when the next best thing came around. Steve Grillo came in and said Dominic Barbara called in offering to write up the pre-nup.
Robin said that John is doing this whole thing wrong. She said that he just grabbed the next girl that came around and knocked her up. Now he's marrying her. John said he was buying a ring for her 6 months ago. Howard said he came to him to buy Karen a ring. John said he thought about it but he realized it wasn't the right choice. He said he knows this one is the right choice.
Gary said this is going to be more difficult because they don't live together. John said they've been living together for 8 months. Howard said he could have had 20 new women every day. Howard said he's a kook. He told John that he'll get a divorce after 2 years and he'll have to support them. That's it. Howard told him to get out of there. He told him he's a stupid ass. He said in 2 years he'll be going to the zoo with his kids and John be jealous of the caged animals.
In the clip Howard was talking about his first girlfriend, Irene, and how she will never come on the air. Howard said that he went out with another Irene who did come on the air but this Irene never will. Howard sang the song ''Goodnight Irene'' and said that reminds him of her. Howard said he doesn't even remember if they had sex.
Howard said this Irene, in Cleveland, can hear the show now since they're on there. Howard said that she is real shy and she might be mad at him. Howard said she might be reliving her memories of what it was like when they were kids. Howard said he might play the song ''Goodnight Irene'' and dedicate it to her. Howard said he didn't even have the nerve to feel her up back then. Howard said he had read his father's sex manual but he didn't have the nerve to do anything.
Howard said he broke up with Irene because his friend told him to. He said that he wanted him to play the field so he broke up with her. Howard said his friend got chicks that summer but he didn't get any. Howard said he should have stuck with her.
Howard said he didn't even know how to masturbate back then. He said he ended up peeing on his parents sheets. Howard said he didn't know what he was doing. Howard said his friends told him about masturbating and that's how he learned about it. Howard said he would watch Gilligan's Island and get worked up when the girls would come on. He said he might be a sexual retard. He said he was busy with things like the Great Garloo.
Howard said he had read his father's sex manual and he figured that he'd kiss this girl and go for second base. He said he had the house to himself at the age of 13 and all he did was kiss her once. Robin asked why he's beating himself up over this. Howard said he has been beating himself up over that for 26 years. Jackie asked if he kissed her or if she kissed him. Howard said he did the kissing. He said he was more aggressive. He said he was a good looking kid at 13 but by 14 he looked awful. Howard said they used to call him ''shades of blue'' because he always wore sunglasses. Jackie said it's no wonder it was just one kiss. Howard told Jackie to shut up because he's seen the scrags he dated.
Howard said he has to dedicate this song to Irene. He had the song that Joe Walsh and James Taylor performed on the show together. Howard said these 13 year old memories are all he has. Howard said someone needs to call her and tell her to tune into the radio. Howard told Gary to do it so he can sing to her.
Howard said he has a bad memory about stuff. He said Robin has to remind him of guests and things. Howard said he's the kind of guy who obsesses over things, stupid things, and this is one of them. Gary told Howard that he tried to find a number for Irene but all he has is a work number. He said if they wait until 9 o'clock then they might be able to get a hold of her.
Howard asked Gary if he ever got braces as a child. Gary said his dentist ended up going to jail. Howard said if he got them now it might take a year for them to straighten them out. He said he might need a neck brace for those things. He said if he had braces they'd be guard rails. Gary said he always thought he was going to have to wear a night brace during the day.
Howard played more of the James Taylor song. He said he has to go see James Taylor play with Joe Walsh. He said they should just have them back on the show. Howard said he had to take a break after that. He said that song went out to his first girlfriend so he hopes that she hears that.
In the clip the woman told Howard how much she's into Howard and how she yelled out his name during sex once and that was the end of the relationship. Howard asked how she looks and she described herself as looking really hot.
The caller also told Howard that she tried to get herself off on her home speaker so Howard said he has to try that with her. Howard said he has to get her on the speaker on the floor and try it like they did it in the movie ''Private Parts.''
Howard told the woman to get completely nude and try this with him. He told her to be honest about it too. He wanted her to take the cloth thing off the speaker and get right on the woofer. She said she would do that. She said that she was on it as they were speaking. Howard told her to turn up the speaker really loud and they'll wait for the delay to catch up. Howard put his voice in echo and started humming for her. She had the radio on and she was waiting for the delay to catch up. Howard hummed for a while and said they have a big delay. Howard kept going until they got caught up with the delay.
The caller said she was feeling it but not a lot. Howard told her to turn it up as loud as she could get it. She had it really loud in her room. She said she could feel it but it wasn't strong enough. Howard asked Robin who was stupider, him or the caller. He said he had to go after that. He hung up on her, hummed some more and then went to break.
It's Beetlejuice Baby! 05/01/2001. 7:40am
Tiny headed dwarf Beetlejuice (JollyDwarf.com) came in this morning to ramble on and on about nonsense. Beet said that he was already drunk on Vodka this morning. Howard spent a few minutes asking Beet some questions and he got the good old ''Me!?'' answers from him with just about every question. Howard would ask Beet a question and Beet would answer ''Me!?'' and then go off on a tangent for a few seconds.
They asked him about everything from Hank the Dwarf to what he shaves with. KC came in and said that Beetle will be shooting a porn movie soon where he sticks his head inside of a woman's private parts. You can find out more info about that at PicklePilot.com. Howard says he's worried about Beet doing that because it's dangerous. Beet says he'll be wearing a condom on his head when he does it. Howard asked him to be careful doing that. Beet said he'll be fine, he's done it before. He also claimed that the woman was on the phone, she wasn't. He also claimed that she was there at the studio but she wasn't there either.
Robin asked Beet how old he is. They thought he was like 32 but Beet claims to be 55. He also claims to be President sometimes though. Robin told him he looks good for his age. Howard said he wants to come down and see him do the shoot for that porno movie. Beet said they'll be shooting it in Jersey City at his place.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Beet and one guy just kept saying different phrases and Beet would go off on a tangent. The guy would say something like ''one, two, three, four...'' and Beet would ramble on and on about ''five, six...'' The guy said something about ''Pete Galfer for Mayor'' and Beet said he's running for mayor. The caller suggested that Howard just continue to say different words to see what Beet says. Howard tried it for a minute but Beet cursed and Howard had to hit the delay so we missed some of it.
Camille Apologizes To The World. 05/01/2001. 7:50am
This woman Camille came in this morning to apologize to the world for some reason. She told Howard that she wanted to apologize to people who she's offended with the ''N-word'' or other curses she's said. She had an odd speech impediment which was kind of disturbing. Before she got to apologize Beetlejuice said that she was his girlfriend for 10 years. She's not really but he says it anyway. Mike Gange came in and said that the two of them were all over each other out in the green room so maybe there were some sparks there.
Howard let Camille make her apologies to the world about her cursing, which she apparently just hears in her head, and then did some match making. He let Beetlejuice sweet talk Camille and by the end of the segment they were engaged to be married! Beet told Camille that he'd take her back to a hotel and hang out with her. She said she'd be willing to go out with him so everything just kept snowballing from there. Howard and Robin were shocked that Beetlejuice had found love today.
Howard would ask Camille questions here and there like whether or not she's been institutionalized. Camille would say ''I'd rather not say..'' which Howard took as a yes. He also asked her if she's on any medication. Once again she said ''I'd rather not say.''
One caller said that he wanted to hire Beetlejuice to hold a lantern on his lawn like a lawn jockey. Beet wasn't going to do that. Howard got back to Camille a short time later.
Camille told Howard that his show is what helped straighten her out. She said she learned to be less critical of people and to accept them more. Howard was baffled by that statement. Perhaps she wasn't listening to his show after all. While she was talking about this tears rolled down her face. Howard said he took that as a very big compliment.
A woman said she was in L.A. and the show wasn't live out there. Gary said that's because they're having transmitter problems and they're taping the show hoping to have it ready for the 6am airing. The woman was rambling about the problems while Beetlejuice was talking over her. She told him to shut up but Howard let her go before she could say more.
Beetlejuice actually proposed to Camille at one point and she said yes to him. They've only known each other for a couple of hours tops and now they're engaged. A few minutes later Howard was performing a very unofficial wedding ceremony for the two of them. When it came time for Beet to say his ''I dos'' he'd say ''I do...what I gotta do'' over and over again. Howard had to go to break so he had to end all of the fun.
Beetlejuice And Camille To Get Married? 1/11/02. 8:50am
Back in April this woman Camille came in to apologize to the world for the cursing she hears in her head. She hooked up with Beetlejuice that day and got to make out with him. Ever since then she's been wanting to hook up with him but she says she was afraid to call him. She came in this morning, after taking her anti-depressant medication, to meet with him again. Howard spent some time talking to her about the voices she hears in her head. She said she curses to herself when she panics or gets nervous and it was getting bad this morning. She apologized to everyone out there for the cursing... even though we can't hear it.
Howard brought Beetlejuice in a short time later and reintroduced the two of them. Beetlejuice was dressed up in a suit when he came in so he was prepared to make a good impression on Camille. Howard said he looked like Sean ''P. Diddy'' Combs in his suit.
Beetle told Camille that sort of remembered her. Howard asked Camille what she thought of Beetlejuice's drinking and womanizing. She said that she'd like him to stop with the drinking and the women. Beetle actually said he'd give them up for her. Beetle said he's ready to settle down with her and have kids. Camille said they'd have to adopt kids because she's not able to have any of her own. She said she's got some kind of problem that's too personal to discuss.
Howard heard that Beetle had a ring to give her so he had him dig it out of his pocket. Beet went through his pockets for a couple of minutes pulling out everything but the ring. He pulled out some cigarettes and Camille said she'd like him to give them up too. Then she said she has to let him do something so she'll let him smoke.
Beetlejuice eventually found the ring and said to Camille ''I love you but I'll still give this to you.'' Howard said Beetle was trembling as he did it. Camille had some tears coming from her eyes too. Howard said he hopes they'll be happy together.
Howard took some phone calls from listeners who tried to get Beetlejuice riled up. Yucko the Clown called in after KC told Howard that he and Beetlejuice were fighting. Yucko said that Beet was hassling him via e-mail and instant messages. Then he called Beet a little ''nig*er'' and the two of them went off on each other for a few seconds. Howard said it wasn't the right time for that and he didn't want to ruin the moment for Camille so he cut Yucko off.
Camille is white and Beetlejuice is black so Howard asked the two of them if they think that will be a problem. Camille said it won't be a problem with her family and Beetlejuice said he doesn't think it'll be a problem either.
As Howard was wrapping up the segment KC reminded Howard that the Beetlejuice action figure is coming out soon. Beetle said it's not done yet but when it's available you can pick it up at grocery stores like Shop-Rite... He also spells the word red ''LSTER.'' KC said you can find out more about the action figure through Beet's web site JollyDwarf.com. You can also go right to FightingAmishToys.com to see pictures of what the figure will look like.
Carmen Electra Comes In. 10/30/00. 7:45am
Actress Carmen Electra came in to promote her Playboy layout which is in the December issue. As soon as Carmen came in Howard described her hot outfit. She was wearing a tight pink sweater and some kind of hot pants. Howard said she was excited and wasn't wearing a bra. He told Carmen that a fan of hers said he'd do anything to meet her so he came down to the studio this morning. Howard told the guy he had to take an erotic bath with Benjy to get to meet Carmen. He agreed to it so Howard had Benjy get in a small tub. He was dressed in a tiny speedo brief. The fan, Dennis from Pittsburgh, came in and was reluctant to get in the tub with fat Benjy. He eventually got in and gave Benjy a sponge bath. Howard said it wasn't very erotic but after a couple of minutes he decided to let the guy meet Carmen. She gave him a hug and Howard let him stand there for a minute. He wasn't looking at Carmen while he was talking about her though. Howard wanted the guy to stop looking at him and start looking at Carmen but he just couldn't do it. Howard eventually got the guy out of the studio. Carmen gave him a kiss as he was leaving.
Today's Whole Lotta Love special was over around 11:00am.
Pamela Anderson Comes In. 10/17/03. 8:30am
Howard gave Pam a plug for her web site PamelaAnderson.com and ''Scary Movie 3'' and then brought in this intern who wrote a song for her. He said it was just a short song that he put together for her. He played guitar and sang his little song. He sang to her about how much he'd like to sleep with her even though she has Hepatitis C. Howard called the guy ''Dick Jagger'' after he was done.
Howard asked Pam how she was doing with the Hepatitis C and all. She said that she's feeling pretty good and has a good 5 or 10 years left to live. Howard said he really doesn't want to lose her though and hopes she has longer than that.
In the clip Howard had a woman on the phone who had a story about meeting Gilbert Gottfried at a comedy club. Howard asked the woman about how she met him and how she ended up making out with him. She told Howard about taking him back to her place. She also let him know that she's 22 years old.
The caller said that she had to watch Gilbert on TV that night. She said Gilbert kept saying he had to turn on the TV and it turned out to be him on TV.
Howard said it was clear that Gilbert was interested in her. He said she saw him on TV and asked if she got hot watching that. She said it worked the opposite way. She said she got really quiet in person. She said she wondered what was going on inside his head. She said her friends were still there with them. He was doing his ''Psycho'' movie impression and also doing a Richard Pryor thing.
The caller said she was making iced tea and Gilbert was with her when he made the move on her. She said that it just kind of happened. She said he just kind of walked up to her and made the move. Howard asked if he's a good kisser. She said he's alright.
Howard asked what he said to her. She didn't remember. Howard asked if he said anything at all. She said he didn't really say anything. Howard asked if he orgasmed immediately. Gilbert cracked up at that. The woman said that Gilbert was very strange. She kept saying that he was just very strange.
Howard said Gilbert is really hurt over there. She said that she didn't mean to hurt him. Howard asked if she was put off by it. She said that he got really quiet and it was very strange. Howard asked if he took her to the bedroom. She said that happened later.
Howard asked what happened in there. She said they were sitting there and Gilbert was sitting on her. Howard asked if he raped her. She laughed. Howard asked what he did. She said they were just sitting there and he leaned over and started kissing her. Robin said it sounds like he wasn't talking at all. Howard told him he has to talk some. Jackie said that she did pick him up and take her to her place. Howard said she might have assumed that she wanted to make love. The caller said that they all invited him and it wasn't just her. Jackie said you don't have to be Einstein to figure out who goes where in that situation though.
Howard asked what she was saying to him. She said she was asking a lot of questions about his life and what he's about but he wasn't answering them. Howard said he might have a problem. He said he has to talk to her some. Howard said he blew it. She said if he was a little more normal then he might have gotten her. Howard said he should have talked to her.
Howard asked if Gilbert was sweating. The caller said he wasn't really. She said that she eventually told him to get off of her. She said she had to stop herself from going any further. She asked him who he thought he was. Howard said he's acting too goofy.
Howard said Gilbert should be doing this left and right. Howard asked if he looked excited through his pants. She said he did. Howard asked if he got all depressed. She said he got really nasty and angry. She said he snapped. Howard asked if he yelled at her. She said he made a rude comment with a really serious face. Robin asked what the comment was. She said he looked at her and said ''I'm trying to figure out if you're a nut case or a cock tease.'' Howard said he had to bleep that off. Howard said Gilbert has to talk to a girl a little more. He said he has to romance her a little bit. Howard said he has no class.
Howard said that he would have talked about how tough it is to be under that pressure and things like that. Howard said she should have had sex with him.
Howard asked if she wanted to go out with him again. The woman said that she heard he was trying to get in touch with her. Gilbert said he wasn't. She said she was wondering what he had to say about the whole thing. Gilbert really didn't have much to say.
The caller said that she had a friend drive Gilbert home. She said that she didn't go. Howard said Gilbert really blew it that night. Howard asked if she wanted to be on Dial-a-Date. She said she would. Howard said they can do that. She said she has pictures from that night to show them if they want to see. Howard said they might take a look at them.
Gilbert told Howard that she did the other guy who drove him home. She said she did not. Gilbert said it wasn't that night but she did the other guy. She claims she didn't. Howard said he wants to meet her. He said Gilbert is really mad about this. He said his head is going to explode. She said she didn't call to get him angry. Howard said what girls have is so feminine and guys are willing to put up with this. Howard said that Gilbert doesn't even want to talk. He just wants someone to have sex with.
Howard said he might have had a Norman Bates thing going on. Howard said he might have his mother talking to him in his head. The woman said he kept doing that the whole night. Gilbert started doing his Norman impression and she said that's what he was doing the whole night.
Howard said Gilbert could have put 5 minutes of work into this and gotten laid. Howard said Gilbert really is the tortured comedian. Jackie said that all he had to do was say something to her. He said he could have just said that it was nice of her to come back stage to meet him. Howard said that's all he had to say to her. He said he could have just said that it was nice to meet her.
Howard got the caller back on the line and told her that he just said that she was just a nice person and he wanted to develop a relationship with her. She said she is a nice girl and he took advantage of her. Howard asked if that changed her feelings on him. She said that she'd have to hear it out of his mouth. Howard said she knows he's full of it now.
Howard told Gilbert what he did wrong and how he could have done it right. Gilbert didn't seem to care. He kept doing his impressions and laughed at what Howard was telling him. Howard said it might be best that he doesn't get women. He said that might be why he's funny.
Howard said Gilbert is too good of an actor not to be able to work this out. Howard said he should be able to come up with something. Robin said maybe it's from being so anxious. Jackie said maybe this was just one of those nights where he wasn't into it. Howard said he doesn't think so. They wrapped up a short time later.
Guy Tails His Wife Who's Allegedly Having An Affair. 10/18/99. 10:10am
Howard took this phone call from a guy on a cell phone. He was tailing his wife who was in a car with a guy who she shouldn't be with. He told Howard he's followed her 2 other times to a motel. He said he's been taking pictures so if he has to get a divorce he'll have evidence. He's only been married 1 ½ years and she's already cheating on him. Howard kept the guy on the phone for 15 minutes while he chased down the vehicle. At first he was pulled over by the cops but he explained that he was following his wife and the cops left. He then followed them into a gas station. The guy pulled out and he followed. He honked his horn and told them to pull over and after a few minutes of that the guy finally pulled over. The guy got out of his car and confronted his wife. She apparently admitted that she was having an affair. He told her that Howard wanted to talk to her but she didn't believe it. All of a sudden the wife and her new man took off in their vehicle. The caller got back in his car and started to follow them again. Howard couldn't take it anymore so he put the guy on hold so Stuttering John could monitor the situation. As of the time I updated this page there were no new developments. If more becomes available I'll post it here.
The Gayest Week Ever - DePace And The Transsexual. 08/02/10. 8:15am
Next on The Gayest Week Ever we heard a segment where Howard talked about Scott DePace's transsexual friend at Lucky Cheng's. This was from December 16, 1994.
In this clip we heard Howard talking about Ralph going to the E! show party and how they have a lot of transsexuals there at Lucky Chengs. Ralph came in and told the guys what he saw there. He said that one of the guys got carried away and was kissing one of the transsexuals. Howard had Scott come in to explain it. Scott said that she was gorgeous.
Ralph said that guy had a huge penis too. Scott said she did not. Howard said that they do have some pictures from the restaurant and he can kind of tell. He said that Scott must have been drunk. Scott said he still thinks that's a girl.
Mike Gange came in and said that the trannie kept tucking in her penis. Scott said that is not true. Scott said he told the dude that he'd still go out with her even though he knew he was a man. Gange and Ralph said he kissed that chick on the mouth. Howard told Gange to kiss Scott now. Ralph said he has to put on a dress first.
Gange said that Scott told him that he felt ''a lot of padding'' in there. Howard asked Scott if he knew there were going to be trannies there. Scott said the joke was to not tell him that's what it was. Gange said that he could see the make up covering up the stubble on the faces of these guys.
Scott Einziger came in and said that Scott was talking about beating up any of the trannies that talked to him but then later on he was making out with one. Howard said that homophobic people are often gay themselves.
DePace claims that he just kissed the guy on the cheek. He said it wasn't on the lips. The other guys were saying that it was on the lips though.
Howard said that story was pretty wild. Scott said he had fun. He says he's not gay though. Ralph asked what he's going to do if he calls. Scott said he'd ask if he was really a girl. He said that he'd have to know that before he'd know what he was doing. Scott said he's still not sure if that was a man or a woman last night. Howard said he was a man. That's what the guys were trying to tell him. Scott said that Howard has liked some transsexuals before. He liked that Tula guy. Howard said that he wouldn't have sex with him. He said that's where he draws the line.
Howard asked Scott what he'd do if this guy calls and he says he has a vagina that's man made. Scott said he wouldn't have sex with him. He said if it was a real woman he'd go out with her. Howard asked what he'd do if he went out with someone who said she was a girl but turned out to be a guy. Scott said he might beat them up. He said he's not sure about that.
Ralph told Howard the guy's name was Bianca. Howard said there aren't too many women in this world with that name. They said they could see the beard on the guy too. Scott didn't see that.
Scott said he wanted everyone at home in Delaware to know that he's straight and if anyone wants to date him, he's available.
Howard had Scott dance with him and he grabbed his ass. Howard said he seems to have learned a lot after that one night date with the transsexual. Howard had a cartoon they drew of Scott on his ''date'' too. They had him with a guy with a beard in the picture. They went to break a short time later.
Hank the drunken dwarf's date... 8/19/96.
Last Friday Hank and his date, D. Ann, went out on a carriage ride in Central Park. Howard had tape of it today along with an almost sober Hank on the phone. Hank was really drunk and dressed in a Superman outfit while in the carriage. He's so short that he needed a boost in to the carriage. He was so drunk that he couldn't even stay up straight in his seat so D. Ann had to hold him up. Howard played a little bit of tape with Hank saying that he'd have sex with D. Ann right there in the carriage. When Howard asked Hank if he remembered all of this Hank said that some of it was a little fuzzy. Howard figured out that D. Ann just came down to the studio to meet him, not Hank. Halfway through the carriage ride D. Ann was picking up other guys! Sounds like a dream date for Hank huh?
In the clip Howard asked Robin if he should do the character. Robin said it was time to bring it back. Howard went into his character, Mama Lookaboobooday, and spoke to Robin as if he was in a helicopter doing the traffic report. Mama told Robin that he's into Oprah. Robin asked if he thinks her head is too big. Mama said he wrote her a 3 page letter that he can read to her. Robin told him to go ahead. Mama read the letter which was a love letter to Oprah. Mama said he has very strong love for Oprah and she looks magnificent. Mama said he wants to have children with Oprah. He said he has some kids already and his girlfriend is with him in the back of the chopper.
Mama continued to read his letter to Oprah and Robin was giving him a hard time so he said she must have her cotton friend with her now. Mama read more of the letter and said that he's ready to make love to Oprah now. Mama said he has a kid with his girlfriend Loberta and he doesn't care if Oprah knows that he has kids already. Mama said Oprah's legs are so pretty and he will kiss those legs. He said she won't kick him in the mouth when he's kissing her legs so he has to warn her not to. Mama asked Oprah to marry him and then his girlfriend yelled at him.
Robin said Oprah has a boyfriend. Mama said if that was serious he would have married her already. Howard said that's not a real black man like himself. He said he wants to make a baby with Oprah and he started working on that last night by himself.
Mama continued to read the letter and Loberta yelled at him some more. Howard said this is why you don't hear Mama on the show much anymore. He said that doing Loberta's voice hurts his voice.
Mama finished up his letter to Oprah and wondered where to send it. Robin said he might have to send it to Harpo productions where you can write to get transcripts of the show.
Mama asked Loberta to lick the stamp for him. She said she's not going to lick a stamp for his letter to Oprah. Howard asked where to mail it again. He asked if it was Fatso productions. Robin said that's Harpo. Mama left and they wrapped up the segment.
Joe Searching For The Girl Of His Dreams. 03/20/1998. 6:30am
Howard had a guy, Joe, on the phone who said that he's trying to find the girl of his dreams that he saw down at Disney World. The guy has sent them a bunch of letters begging them to let him get on the air. He said that he met her down there a couple of years ago and went back to try and find her. Joe said she's about 24, 5'6'' tall, about 120 pounds. He said that she was there on December 26, 1996 and he saw her on a ride there.
Robin said this guy is out of his mind. He never spoke to her when he saw her. It turns out this guy has been asking to find this girl on other radio stations as well. Joe said that the girl was with her parents and it looked like her mother was in a wheelchair. Howard said that they do reach 18 million people so maybe they can help this guy out.
Howard muted his voice from Joe and said that he was going to mess with him. Joe gave some more details about the girl and said she looked a little like Nancy Kerrigan and he's even got a web site dedicated to finding her.
Howard took a call from a woman claiming to be the woman that the guy was looking for. It was a set up to goof on the guy though. The woman said she's got black hair, she's 5'6'' tall and her mother has MS. Joe said that he would give Howard $1,000 if this was the right girl. She told Howard that she would like to go out with this guy but she has some problems that she had to reveal first.
The woman, Tracy, said that she had cancer when she was younger and she has a colostomy bag now. She wanted to know if that was okay with Joe. Joe said he didn't want to answer that one. She said that she still looks the same, it's no different. Joe didn't have much else to say after that. He seemed stumped.
Joe said that if this is the girl he saw, it would be no problem. He found it hard to believe that they found her though. Howard tried to convince him that it was really her. Tracy then told Joe that she had kids and the kids were with her brother and father. She said that she had consensual sex with both her brother and father and had kids from them.
Joe wasn't falling for all of this. He seemed to get that it was a joke and refused to believe that it was really the girl he was looking for. Joe asked Howard to give out his web page since he didn't know if this was actually the woman. Howard told him to get out of here and get ready to go clean a colostomy bag. Joe hung up after that so Howard went to commercial break.
Flavor Flav And Brigitte Nielson. 09/15/04. 7:40am
After the break Howard brought in Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielson who are starring in ''The Surreal Life'' this season. Howard has been watching the show this season and it's been really good. Brigitte was a little upset that Howard was calling her fat earlier this morning but she was happy to see Howard anyway. Flavor was on fire when he got on. He thanked Howard for putting him in his movie ''Private Parts'' and then went off on the FCC for a few seconds. He was all over the place after that. Howard tried to calm things down by explaining what ''The Surreal Life'' is all about. He carefully described it as being a show where they have stars whose better days have passed them by already. Flavor said that's not true in his case of course.
Some of the other people on ''The Surreal Life'' include Charro, Ryan Starr, Dave Coulier and others. Howard said he was surprised to see Dave Coulier on the show because the ''Full House'' money has to be enough to live on for him. Howard went on to talk to Brigitte about the amount of money she got from Sylvester Stallone. Howard thought she got about $6 million from him but she says that it was a lot less than that. She took the job on ''The Surreal Life'' for the experience of meeting more people that she didn't know. Howard told her that she is the star of the show this year. She takes off her clothing and she's really not in the best shape of her life. She looks good, but she's not in the best shape. She's 41 years old and has four kids so she thinks she looks pretty good for someone like that. Brigitte said that she's proud of her body and doesn't mind showing it.
In the first episode Howard said that Brigitte was drunk and passed out. She said that she just likes to sleep and it had nothing to do with the drinking. Howard noticed that she took an interest in Flavor Flav when she was in the house so Howard asked her about that. He thought that the two of them had sex in the house on ''The Surreal Life'' but they both said that was not true. Flavor said that they were just chillin' together. Howard asked them if they got to third base if they didn't have sex. Howard pointed out that it was on the TV show though. Brigitte said that she put a stop to it before it went that far. Her boyfriend was sitting out in the green room so this may have had something to do with them keeping it quiet. Howard heard that Flavor and Brigitte spent a weekend in a hotel room together as well. Brigitte said that he did not penetrate her and he was a gentleman to her.
Howard asked Brigitte about how she was able to get Sylvester Stallone. She told Howard that it wasn't true that he kept sending him pictures like he thought. She explained how she was in town when he was shooting a movie and she knew that she wanted to get to know him. She did type him a letter and sent a picture along with the letter. He came right over after getting the letter. They did not have sex the first night though. She had just finished the movie ''Red Sonja'' so she had red hair at the time. She claims that she waited a month and a half before having sex with him. Flavor was asking her when they could have sex after that. Brigitte told Howard that she has a gag order on her about some of that stuff so Howard would have to ask him about the stuff he was asking about.
Howard wondered who drove who crazy in that marriage. It only lasted 19 months from what Howard read. Flavor Flav said he had never seen any of Brigitte's movies so he had no idea who she was when he met her. Howard said he saw Flavor feel up Brigitte on their show. They both confirmed that was true. They never had sex though.
Howard pointed out that Brigitte has a bit of a belly so she told him that she's pregnant. Howard couldn't believe that because she's got a bunch of kids already. Howard went on to read some of the notes he had on Brigitte. There were some notes about her abandoning her first child to pursue her acting career. She said that was not quite true but she did go in for a part shortly after having her first child. She lived with Mark Gastineau for a while. Howard asked her about that and found out that they had a son together but Mark doesn't see the kid much.
Howard asked to see Brigitte's bra and panties so she gave them a flash. Brigitte then asked Howard to ask her an interesting question because, so far, he wasn't doing a good job. Howard thought he was doing just fine though. She asked him if he was ready for her. Howard told her that he'd toss her salad and he was ready for her. He then asked her about her boyfriend. They spent a minute on him before getting back to Flavor Flav.
Howard asked Flavor Flav if he's off of drugs and clean right now. Flav said he is clean so they spent a minute on that. Howard wondered how many times he ended up in jail because of drugs. He said that never happened, he went to jail for being stupid. Flavor said that Howard brought up how Brigitte had slapped him during ''The Surreal Life'' but he slapped her right back. The two of them were talking all over each other at this point. Howard wondered if Brigitte gave oral to Flavor. When he asked that, Flavor had a smile on his face so Howard figured she had done that. They both denied it and Flavor said that he was smiling because he was on the air with Howard Stern.
Howard took a call from Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) who was pretending to be Mark Gastineau. He told Brigitte that she was a ''nig*er loving whore'' and also called Flavor Flav ''Nigga Flav'' before Howard hung up on him. Zolar called in and said he used to smoke weed with Flavor back in the day. Flavor said he hasn't smoked weed since the days when Star Wars was out.
Howard heard that Flavor was double booked on Jimmy Kimmel's show and The Late Late Show so Howard wondered how he was going to make that work. Flavor said that he can do it and he'll figure out a way to make it happen. Dominic Barbara called in and said that Flavor hasn't been paying his bills lately and he's now the lawyer for his baby's mother. He told Flavor that he's going to put Flavor in a new house in Nassau County soon. He was talking about jail of course.
Brigitte said she wanted her boyfriend in the studio because she didn't like the call they got earlier that was insulting to her. She wanted him to come in to comfort her. Howard asked her to let them feel her boobs first. She did let Flavor feel them up for a few seconds but Howard was a different story. She wanted her boyfriend in and Howard wasn't going to let him in until he could feel her up. She wouldn't let him do that so Howard kept her boyfriend out.
Chaunce Hayden called in and asked Brigitte if she turned down a million bucks to spend a night with an Arab prince. She said that was not true. She would have done it if that was the case. Chaunce then asked her if she had cancer at one point in her life. She had uterine cancer when she was 26 years old. She had surgery and had it removed. Chaunce had one other question about her being booked on a flight one time and it crashed. She had canceled the flight because she had other things going on so that saved her life.
High Pitch Erik called in and asked Flavor Flav if he wanted to go out for some fried chicken and watermelon with him. Howard hung up on him, took a call from a fan of Flav's and then started to wrap up the interview. Flavor went a little nuts when he started to ask about letting him shoot some of his documentary in his studio. Brigitte started to sing a song over him and didn't let him talk to Howard. The two of them were talking over each other again so Howard tried to cut them off and brought in Brigitte's boyfriend. He spoke to him a little bit but he didn't have a lot to say. He asked Brigitte if she wanted to marry him. She said yes to him and asked him if he was serious. Brigitte got up and went over to her boyfriend and asked when they were going to marry. He told them it would be the first of July, 2006.
We found out that Brigitte had slept with Arnold Schwarzenegger when all of this was going on. Brigitte said that she's very happy with her boyfriend and the two of them kissed as Howard tried to end the interview again. Flavor told Howard he's got a solo album coming soon. Howard told him to come back when it comes out so they can talk about that.
In the clip Robin was going through some news and read a story about Charles Kuralt dying shortly after retiring. Robin said he looked pretty straight but it turns out he had a secret life all that time he was out on the road. Robin said he had a 28 year relationship with another woman. Howard said guys always figure out a way to find another woman. Howard said you don't think that anyone wants to be a traveling salesman but this is the reason they do it.
Robin said after Charles died the wife found out he had a Montana retreat with another woman. Robin said that he had this mistress 2000 miles away from his wife. Robin said he planned to leave his wife according to a lawsuit that has come out. Robin read about how his wife had no idea she was caught up in this affair. Howard said you have to admire that he was able to keep this going for 28 years.
Howard said he's staring at Charles Kuralt's crotch now that Robin is telling him this. Robin said that the wife wants the house and the mistress is fighting over it. Howard said that's great. He said ''way to go'' to Charles. Howard said he died with a smile on his face.
Robin said the family is fighting the mistress over everything. Robin said that all of these guys who want you to think they're wonderful really aren't. Howard said he's not like that. He said he's weak and admits he wants women.
Robin's News. 04/14/11. 9:25am
Fred played Robin into her news with a new song parody about Robin's titties. Robin started her news with a story about the Chinese banning any movies and TV shows about time travel. Howard said that's a strange story.
Robin read about the movie Scream 4 and had some audio of Courteney Cox talking about that. Howard told avid to take it easy, the answer isn't at the bottom of a bottle.
Howard did the Maria Vs. thing again. This time it was against a goat. Her laugh was very goat like.
Courteney Cox Drops In. 04/14/11. 9:55am
Robin said she can't believe this. Courteney Cox walked in. Howard said he loves her more than David. Courteney said hi to David. Howard said he's so confused by them. He said he loves them as a couple. He said he feels that she's making love to her co-stars. Howard said that maybe she's being smart by not saying anything. He said that she looks really hot today.
Howard asked Courteney why she rejected David at Disney World. She said that it was in the morning so it was a bad time. She said that he could never put his arms around her without getting a boner. It didn't matter what it was, he'd get a boner. Howard said that David needs to get in touch with what she needs. He said that he can't just put his arm around her and get a boner and think he can have sex.
David said that she was exaggerating about that. Howard said he knows what she means. Howard said he's always boned up with Beth. He said he has to keep it under control so he seems more interested in her. He has to hear what she's saying. Howard said maybe he needs to whack off before he sees her. David asked if he could do it right now.
Davis said he thinks that they know it's over and they really have to just figure out their next steps. Courteney said that was really heavy. David said that if things could work out then she would have wanted him. Courteney said not at that hour. She said she could turn anyone away at that hour.
Courteney said that David likes to do the opposite things that she likes to do. She said she likes to stay home and he likes to go out. She said she likes to have people over but he likes to go out and dance. Howard said he doesn't like to go out either. He said when Beth goes out he's fine with that. He said he wants to stay home and watch movies and eat good food.
Courteney said she doesn't want to hold David back. Howard asked if she's had sex with anyone. She said she really hasn't. The guys she works with don't want to get involved with this whole mess either. Howard said when they're on vacation with her and Coco then it looks like they want her. Courteney said she thinks that they like David too much to get involved with. She said they're more like emotional friends. She said David has friends like that too.
Courteney said they get along better now than they were before. She said that this week has been crazy. She said that David is really fired up today. Howard said he's fired up because he sat him down to talk about this. He said he wants her back. Courteney said he's happier now than he was before. She said that he has shit going on at his house that she wouldn't live with. She said that's what she wants for him.
Howard asked if she remembers him breaking the wine glass over his head. She said she did and that was very mature of him. Howard said it was very immature. He said he saw the scene she did and he thinks it was just too much for David. She said he needs to learn more coping skills. That's what he's doing now.
Howard said David was trying to tell him that Courteney has problems too. She said that he's the most amazing guy. She said that she doesn't give a shit if he comes on this show and tells his stories. She said that he's an honest, great person and he didn't do anything wrong. She said that they're great friends now and that's what she was saying on Letterman last night. Howard said it sounds like they're going to be better friends than being a couple. She said that might be what ends up happening.
Courteney said she's not sure that they can take it to that different level again. She said she wouldn't want to go through this again. She said she wants it to be the right decision. Courteney asked if David would want to go through it again. David said they could compromise. He said he could stay home some nights and go out other nights.
Courteney said it sounds vulnerable and sweet but when they go to therapy they have a lot of resentments. She said that she's not sitting in the driver's seat, he is. Courteney said they don't want to break up the family but that will never happen. David said he loves her. He said he doesn't mean to not be on her side. She said it was fine. She said this is like therapy.
Howard said he knows that Beth needs her space. He said he's fine with her going out. He said he thinks that they could be the same way. David said they are very different and they aren't compatible in that way.
Howard said David has to move on. He said this is killing him. David said they really have to figure this out. He said he's out with other women and he can't open up to them. Courteney said she just wants him to be happy. She said that she wants to figure it out either way but David needs a decision either way but maybe they need to be with other people and get together sometime in the future.
Howard asked if she's really not that horny to be with other dudes. She said she's really not like she used to be. Howard asked when she last had sex. Courteney said it was a long time ago. Howard asked if she uses a vibrator. She said she does when she has to. Howard asked who she thinks about. She said women don't have to think about things. David asked if Courtney would ride the Sybian. She said she might need one at home. David said it would be great if he could get her on there and tell her to get the poison out of her system.
Howard told Courteney how hot she looked on Letterman last night. She thanked him for that. Courteney said that David looks really great and she thinks that he's beautiful. Howard asked if she thinks about him while masturbating. She said she really doesn't think about anything when she's masturbating.
Howard asked Courteney if she was connecting with him at Jimmy Kimmel's party last time. She said they were connecting and David interrupted. David said he didn't do that on purpose.
Howard asked Courteney if she thought about getting out of the marriage when he smashed the wine glass on his head. She said she didn't then but there were times when she thought about breaking up with him early on. She said that she drove to his house once to break up with him and he was busy spray painting in the house with some friends and David didn't even know their names. She said he's so charming that they ended up having sex so she didn't break up with him.
Howard asked David if he would go back to the situation now. David said they have a family together and she makes him laugh like no one else. He said they could live a life together. He said there could be more compatible people out there. He said that she could find someone who makes her more comfortable and maybe there's someone out there for him. Howard asked if it would freak her out if David started dating Jennifer Aniston. Courtney said it would be weird. She said it would be a great story though.
Howard asked if David could get her. Courteney said she thinks that she cares too much about her to let that happen. Howard said that would make it hard for him to get her. Howard said he has a big penis though. Courteney confirmed that. Howard asked if he's the biggest she's had. Courteney said there was one other person. She said David is second biggest.
Howard asked if it was Michael Keaton. Howard said she went to visit him when they broke up. She said that didn't happen. David said he's trying to cause problems. Howard said he thinks that she's imagining a life with someone that's unbelievable. She said that she may never find that.
Courteney said she's more hopeful about David's life and him finding someone to be with. She said that she likes to sleep alone but she gets scared. She has locks all over and she has people around her. She said Coco sleeps in the bed with her too. Howard said that's not healthy.
Howard said he liked the shots of her tittie popping out in some pictures he saw. Courteney said she knew it had happened but she just put it back in and kept going. Howard asked if it makes her crazy that the paparazzi gets that when she could have posed for Playboy and gotten millions. She said it bothers her now that Howard asked.
Howard asked why she didn't invite David to St. Barts with her and her friends. She said that she was going with her girlfriend's but Josh wanted to go too. She said she didn't think it through with David. She said that it was going to be her, Coco and another friend. She said that Coco loves the guys she works with on the show. She loves Josh too. Howard said he thinks that this guy Josh is working her. She said he's so not. David said he likes Josh a lot and he wants her to be happy so if it happens then that's fine. He said he knows they're not together though.
Howard asked if Josh calls her at night. She said he texts her about stuff sometimes. He's a friend. Howard asked if he asks what she's wearing. She said that he never does. David said that his friends ask if he wants them to ice this guy. David said it's tough to see him with his daughter and that's going to be the tough part of this whole thing.
Courteney said that even David would ask Josh to take Coco swimming. She said she was so happy to have people helping her out with Coco since she didn't have a nanny there. Howard said he thinks that she's just preparing him for another relationship.
David said there is a mourning and a loss thing that he has to go through. He said he may have done things to ruin his marriage. He said they talk about doing the same thing 15 years ago.
David said that the girls he's gone out with have looked like Courteney. She said that they really do look like a younger, hotter version of her. Courteney said that David says he wants to be with her the rest of his life but he's not dating 50 year olds. He's dating younger women. Howard said he was hitting on Martha Stewart just the other day. She dared him to go out with her.
Howard asked if she was upset that he was out dating. She said that she wasn't upset. She said she understands it and he may have been doing it to make himself feel better and not just to hurt her.
Courteney said they are opposites. She said it's hard for her to try and stop him from following his dreams. As a friend she can help him do that and not try to stop him. Courteney said they got into a fight one other time and he got mad at her and took home two other girls. David said that was before they got married though.
Howard asked Courteney if she would be with another woman for David. She said she wouldn't do that for any reason. She said she's not into that.
Robin said they heard about Courteney and David going to counseling and they always said it wouldn't work. David said you have to work on relationships. He said men and women are just too different. She said her driver has been married for 41 years and they have separated 4 tines. She said that things could work out some day. She said that she doesn't want him to shut her out of his life because she loves him too much. She said that David says that would be a deal breaker if the woman wouldn't let her be part of his life. David said a woman would have to understand that.
Howard asked if he's going to ask Jesse J out. David said he won't do that. He said he feels like a geek ball for even talking about that. Howard told David to tell Courteney how he really feels. David said that they'll both date other people and it might be tough on both of them.
Courteney said she's fine with David going out and having fun. She wondered if her publicist is going to kill her when she walks out today. Howard said she will.
Howard asked Courteney who she finds attractive. Courteney asked David who she does. Howard wanted her to answer. She said that she would go with someone who is not realistic at all. She said she has a talent crush on Christian Bale. Howard said ''Oy vey...'' She said he's married and young and it's just a talent crush. David yelled ''Oh good for you!'' He did his best Christian Bale impression for a few seconds. Fred played some audio of Bale screaming on the set of Terminator.
Howard asked Courteney if she would date a black man. She said that Tone Loc kissed her once. Howard said that he'd break a whole wine bottle over his head if she dated a black man. Howard said that he had to get going. He asked Robin if she was done. Robin said she was.
Howard asked Courteney if she would date Jim Carrey. She said she had crush on him. She said she may have made out with him. Howard asked why she didn't have sex with him. He was in a relationship at the time. She said she didn't make out with him. Howard got in live commercial for Caesar's Casino as he wrapped up that interview. He said he had to come to a conclusion with the interview though.
Howard finished up the live commercial and got back to David and Courteney. Howard said he was pretending to be Courteney the other day with David. He said that he loved having her on the show today. He said he would like to see them back together again. He said that he knows David would like to stay home with her and get back together. He said he'd be more into her than the midgets like David is.
Howard said he'd like to see both of them at the Kimmel party. Howard asked if Courteney misses her sister in laws. She said that she does. She loves the whole family.
Goo Goo Dolls Gay Wednesday. 9/23/98. 7:40am
The Goo Goo Dolls actually showed up! If you've been following this saga you know that Howard said the Goo Goo Dolls were going to do the show. Howard wanted them to sing their song ''Iris'' with gay guys dancing around. They backed out of the appearance so Howard put his foot down and demanded that they come on. His station stopped playing Goo Goo Dolls songs. Well they finally agreed to come in so Howard was prepared for ''Gay Wednesday.'' Howard spoke to the band before they played. They claim that they didn't know anything about the big controversy until the sister of one of the guys called up and said Howard was being mean to them. They didn't seem to mind doing any of this stuff. Howard and Gary were dressed in sailor outfits and Jackie and Fred were in thongs. Howard wanted to do a reenactment of a scene from the movie ''Philadelphia'' with Tom Hanks. Then Howard had comedian Jon Stewart come in. He was also dressed as a sailor. Vin the retard, KC, Elephant Boy, Scott DePace and a bunch of gay guys were also dressed in thongs and sailor outfits. Howard had everyone pair up to do the dancing while the Goo Goo Dolls performed. Some of the couples were:
In the clip Penn had just come in when Howard brought up an answering machine message he had left for Robin. Howard played the clip and said he thinks that he'd be a great guy for Robin. Penn said that Robin has Frank Gannon who wants her too though.
Howard said he had no idea that Penn was into Robin. Penn said he's been coming in since day one talking about how much he likes her. Howard said he never saw it.
Howard said he had a lot to get to today. He said he had to take a break though. Penn and Robin spent a minute talking about their little thing and Robin said she wanted to make it up to him.
After an edited out break Howard asked Penn what's up with him not being able to make the move. Penn wasn't sure. Penn said he didn't put enough thought into it. Howard said he knows how to get Robin. He said he can tell him the way. Howard told him he should have called him.
Howard said Penn has to tell Robin he has a lot of money and he wants to share his life with her. He said he doesn't have to do it, he just has to tell her that. Penn asked if he should be taking notes. Howard said he'll talk to him off the air about this stuff later. Howard said he knows how Robin thinks. He told her not to say he's entirely wrong.
Today's Whole Lotta Love was over around 10:55am.
In the clip Howard was playing Neil Young's ''Old Man'' and ended up talking about how he had sex to this song. He said that he was with a girl who ended up dumping him. Robin asked if she was an experienced girl. Howard said she was with him because he had long hair and drugs. He said he was giving her anything he could get his hands on so she would go to bed with him. Howard said he got her drunk on Apricot sours and told her he had sex before. He said he had so technically he wasn't a virgin.
Howard said he put his record on and it was this one. He said he was big schmuck. Howard said he knew what he was playing too. Howard said with him it doesn't take that long. He said he probably should have put his Santana album on after that. Howard said the girl had to guide him because he didn't know what he was doing. She ended up crying and threatened to call her boyfriend.
Howard said he has to play this for Robin. He said what he was actually playing was ''Down By The River'' when they had sex. Howard said they had their clothes off a few seconds into the song. Howard said he had his pants around his ankles at that point.
Howard said they were smashed out of their minds. Howard said he pretended not to drink or smoke marijuana. Howard said that he doesn't want anyone thinking that he's smoked lately. Robin said it's been about 3 years. Howard said he smoked at Steve's once... in a bong. Howard said he realized he hated it. He said he tried it because he knew he hated it. He said he got real paranoid over it too. He said he took a couple of hits off a bong and knew it was the wrong thing. Howard said he thought they were all talking about him in the room. Howard said he couldn't handle it.
Howard said that when Neil gets to where he says he shot the baby he was at the point of orgasming. Howard fast forwarded to that point and Fred played some sex sounds. Howard said he must have been about 17 at the time. Howard said he didn't know any better. He had to tell her not to make a call to her boyfriend on their phone. He said that she was going to make a long distance call.
Howard said he doesn't want to make it seem like drugs are good. He said that's not the way of getting sex. He said it is a way but it's no way to get respect. Howard said the girl may end up crying after sex if you do it that way.
Howard said he didn't have sex for 2 years after that. He said he knew he'd get better at it though. He let the Neil Young song play. Howard made up some lyrics about porking his baby to the tune of the song. Howard said he should have given her more marijuana.
Howard said he would pretend to smoke the stuff at times. He said the girl would really smoke it. Howard said for the young people listening he got really paranoid from smoking. He said that led to LSD which destroyed his memory.
Sal's Wife Christine Gets To Shoot Him In The Ass. 03/22/07. 7:50am
Howard said that Sal has this really hot wife, Christine, and many people aren't sure how he got someone so hot. She came walking in and Howard asked her if she feels that she blew it by marrying Sal. Sal was in also and said that they're a bunch of assholes. Howard asked her if she ever says to herself that she made a mistake. She said that lately she has been doing that. She laughed when Howard asked her about that stuff. She said she was very nervous. Sal didn't understand that.
Sal went on to say that Christine lost 15 pounds and she's been going out lately. He called her when she was out at a club one night and some dude told her to hang up the phone on him. He said she told him that it was her friend Sue talking but he knew it was a dude. She said that she does have guys hitting on her at the bars she goes to. Sal said they can have her. Howard told Sal he'll never get a hotter chick than this.
Christine said that Sal is lazy so he pointed out that he gets up at 4 in the morning and doesn't get home until 6:30 at night and she's calling him lazy. Howard wanted to know how he was lazy but Christine didn't want to start a war. Howard asked her if she's heard the songs that Sal has written about her. She hadn't heard them so Howard played ''My Wife'' for her. In that one Sal sings about how he'd like to crack her in the skull and throw her in the trash among other things. Christine was laughing during the song so she must not have been too upset.
Howard said he can not figure out what Sal is talking about. He said that she's just hot. Howard asked Christine what she wears when she goes out with her friends to the club. She said it's just regular clothes. Sal said she asked him how she looked and he told her that she looked like she was ready to fuck someone else, that's how she looked.
Howard asked Christine about how she avoids touching Sal. Sal claims she won't even hold his hand. Sal said that he touched her the other night and she jumped and didn't want to do anything. He said she was watching Lost and that was more important than sex. Howard asked Christine if she was sexually attracted to Sal. She didn't answer. She told him not to put her on the spot like that. Sal couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sal said it seems like Christine and Howard have the same sentiment about him.
Christine said when she met Sal in college he was singing stupid songs then so she should have known he was going to be like this. Sal was in school to become a radiologist but that didn't pan out. Artie said that it's worked out for Sal, he's working on this show.
Howard asked Christine about the house and why she keeps Sal from wearing his shoes in the house. Sal said that she has a cleaning lady come in one day a week. He said he has to clean up the day before the cleaning lady comes in and he thinks that's ridiculous. Christine told Howard she had the answer about being attracted to him... and it was 'no.'
Sal said he's pleading for help in this whole thing. He wants the marriage to work out. Gary said that Sal claims to be held up for ransom over some tapes that they had of her yelling at him. She demanded a $1400 bag to give him permission to play that stuff on the air so he did it. Howard played some of the clips where Christine was screaming at Sal for doing things while they were taking pictures at home. Christine said that he does that stuff on purpose to get her pissed at him. Howard asked her if she sees herself being married to him the rest of her life. She said ''I don't know...'' and laughed. Sal said she's serious too. She said that Sal had just insulted her so that's why she was going there.
Artie asked Christine if money is an issue for her. She said that it is for Sal. Artie asked Sal how much of a pay cut he had to take going to this job form being a Stockbroker. Sal said it was a huge cut but Christine supported him in that. He thinks that it can work out in the long run.
Howard asked Christine what would make her feel better about him. She said that on Friday Sal didn't shovel at all when it snowed last week. She said that Sal said he was making breakfast and then told her that she could have told him to shovel if she wanted him to. He talks in circles according to Christine. Sal told Howard that he made breakfast for 3 kids and tended to them. After breakfast he watched TV with the kids. Then she comes home and starts digging away with the shovel but he doesn't have ESP so he doesn't know she's out there. He said he didn't know she was out there.
Sal said that Christine was telling him that he has to get out on the road more so they can pay for things around the house. He said that was after she asked him to be home more. Now she's telling him to call Bob Levy to get booked on more shows. She was telling Sal that he shouldn't be making songs about her either.
Howard played Christine another song parody that Sal wrote about her. That one was to the tune of ''Photograph'' and in it he sings about her fat ass and how she married him for his money. Sal told Howard that what he wants is a little respect from his wife. He said he'd like to come home like other guys who have their wives showing up to comedy shows and rubbing their man's back and things like that. He said he'd like her to take that extra step and just like him a little more. Christine said she is very nice to him when he comes home. Sal said she yells at him to take off his shoes and to clean up the house for the cleaning lady.
Sal said he called home from the train one day and asked Christine what they were having for dinner. She told him ''whatever you bring home'' and hung up on him. Howard told Sal that he's got himself a hot wife and he should watch himself. She asked if the club was open tonight.
Christine told Howard a story about Sal stripping down to his underwear at a wedding they went to. That's the kind of stuff he does to her. After that Howard told Sal to take his pants down so his wife could shoot him in the ass. He explained that the money they were trying to win was courtesy of this movie ''The Shooter'' which comes out tomorrow.
Christine was going to be shooting Sal in the ass with a paintball gun. For each shot she hit, she wins $500. Christine was going to be about 20 feet from Sal with a paintball gun. Howard said they can make up to $5,000 so she gets 10 shots. She gets no practice shots according to Howard. Christine said that she's never shot a gun before. Howard had a guy there from a place called Chilly Bear where they run paintball gun events. He told Howard Sal will have some big welts on his ass if he gets hit. Howard said he thinks that Sal shouldn't do it but Sal said he already spent the money on a Disney vacation.
Howard said you can find out more about Chilly Bear at ChillyStuff.com. He then had Christine take her first shot. She missed Sal completely but Sal said he felt the air go past his hair. Artie said that those things go fast. Sal said he's never felt what a grazed bullet feels like but that's what it must feel like. He asked for a helmet before the next shot. Christine took her second shot and missed again. Sal said that was very scary. Christine took her third shot as Sal was breathing heavy waiting for the pain. Sal got hit in the leg but it just grazed him. Sal said it just grazed his thigh. Howard said they were going to give her $500 for that shot.
Christine took another shot and nailed Sal right in the thigh. Sal was screaming out in pain. Mike Gange said there was quite a welt on him from that shot. Gary told Sal to keep his legs closed so they don't hit his balls. Christine was laughing and said it was very funny. She took her next shot and hit him square in the ass. Sal yelled out in pain once again. They were up to $1,500. Sal asked her not to hit that side again because it hurt so much. Sal said he was going to have a heart attack if she hit that side again. Will said that it was actually bleeding on that side.
Howard asked Sal if he wanted to stop. Christine took another shot and hit him in the exact same spot. Sal yelled out in pain and kept yelling because it hurt so bad. Howard said he had to put a stop to it at that point. Sal said he had to stop because the pain was just too much. Gary said that Sal was in pain but Christine was laughing at him. She seemed to feel nothing for him.
Fred asked Sal to just go through with one more shot because it was the last one. He had gone through this much so far, he should just put the pain out of his mind and go through with one more. Sal couldn't take the pain. Howard told Sal that if he took one more shot he would give him the $5,000 and he'd even let him cover up that cheek. Sal said if he did that the e-mail would start coming in. He said he was going to leave that cheek open and just go for it.
Howard said he didn't like that Sal was going to do it again. He was afraid that it was going to really hurt the guy. Howard said Sal almost passed out from this yet Christine was ready to take another shot. She said she didn't want to come in the first place. Sal said he needs the money so she has to go through with it. He asked her to please not hit the left side. He said he was willing to take the chance though. Sal covered up his balls again and got ready for the final shot. She took the shot and missed. They let Christine take one more shot and she tried not to hit the left side. She hit him on the right side. Sal said that it hurt so much and it sounded like he was about to cry. Gary told him to walk around but Sal told him he wasn't going to walk around and told him to leave him alone. Christine told him to just shovel the driveway next time.
Howard said that they had just won $5,000 and asked to see the welts on Sal's ass. She almost hit him in the rectum. Sal said it felt like they turned up the power or something because it hurt just as much as the shots that hit the same spot. Howard wrapped up and thanked Billy from Chilly Bear and also thanked Christine for coming in.
Mike Gange said they had some replays to play for them. They showed those on the studio monitors but there was no sound. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Gene Simmons was out watching all of that going on out there in the office. He went to break a short time later.
Jeff ''The Drunk'' Currow And Playboy Models Nicole Wood And Jennifer Walcott. 8/21/02. 7:30am
Playboy Playmates Nicole Wood and Jennifer Walcott came in to promote the Playboy Scramble golf tournament. Howard spent a few minutes talking to the girls about their boyfriends and how they're both ready to get married. He asked them about their men and how much money they make. Both of the girls have guys that are taking care of them very well so they're not going to be dating anyone anytime soon. Nicole, who is 32, has a guy who's 40. He's never been married but he gave her a promise ring so she's ready to get married. Jennifer also has a guy who she's ready to marry even though she's just 25.
Howard eventually let Jeff Curro come in to hang out with the girls. You could hear how turned off the girls were when they saw what a mess poor Jeff is. He was all drunk when he came in so he was cursing as he tried to get his headphones on. He has one bad arm that he can't use so he had a really hard time getting the headphones on without removing his hat. Howard made him take his hat off but the girls told him to put it back on as soon as they saw the mess under it.
Howard continued talking to the girls about their jobs with Playboy while Jeff would yell out a curse here and there. Howard threatened to kick him out if he continued to do that.
Gary came in late in the interview and offered the girls to get into a bikini for $2000 worth of iWon.com money. Jennifer took him up on the offer after a little bit of coaxing. She went into the bathroom and made the change. Howard continued to talk to Nicole and Jeff while Jennifer made her change. When she came out KC said she asked him to help tie the bikini so he was thrilled. The guys were all impressed with how great she looked in the bikini.
Howard took a few phone calls for the girls and asked them about when they lost their virginity and stuff like that. They both said they lost it around the age of 18.
Jeff performed for everyone this morning. He sang ''You Were Always on my Mind'' for the girls and did pretty well for a drunk. It didn't seem to turn on the girls though.
Howard started to wrap things up and gave plugs for the girls and Jeff. Howard spent a little while longer talking to the girls before ending the segment.
Robin's Marriage Proposal...Sort Of. 6/10/97. 6:55am
Howard has been offered the chance to play IBM's Deep Blue computer at a game of chess. He was seriously thinking about doing it but Robin's new boyfriend, Tony, came up with a better proposal than that. He wants to play Howard at a game of chess but if Howard wins the game Tony will marry Robin! Howard decided to take him up on the game so it should be starting tomorrow. They'll be playing like one move a day for however long it takes for someone to win. Robin didn't seem like she was too much against any of this and said that if they do get married they wouldn't live together. How weird is that? She's such a nut. If you want to follow the chess moves just check in here every day for updates.
Kenneth Keith meets his female admirer(Maureen). 2-7-96. I think last week this chick called in and told Howard that she'd love to meet Kenneth Keith in person. Howard thought that she was crazy but told her to come on in. Well it turns out that this woman is an 8 or a 9 on the crew's Appearance-rating-chart. Howard giving her a '...maybe even a 9...' The crew tried to figure out what was wrong with this 23 year old that would make her want to meet such a mental patient. They couldn't figure it out! Kenneth came in and was his usual 'I'm no wacko' self. He sang some of his horrible songs and even got to kiss her! As mental as he was, the woman still wanted to get to know Kenneth better off the air...go figure!
Callers Want Group Sex. 10/22/97. 3:20 pm
Howard moved on to the phones, there was a woman on who wants group sex with multiple girls and multiple guys. The girl went on describing herself and then her friend got on the phone to describe herself. Howard asked who they looked like but they wouldn't say. Howard asked them to kiss each other. He said that he'd orgy with them but they said they wanted Fred. Howard found it hard to believe they can't find guys if they're as good looking as they say.
A guy called in and claimed he wanted to orgy with them. The girls seemed interested, and then the guy offered to bring his friend. The girl on the phone said no guys she knows want to get together with each other. Howard said they should invite guys over to watch the game and then start the orgy. Howard asked if they looked like Laverne and Shirley, but they claimed that one looked like Jodie Foster. Howard asked them to kiss each other right then and there. Then he asked them what they were wearing. The girls claimed to kiss but Howard didn't buy it and had them go for more. He convinced them to try it. The girls then asked about sex toys to use on guys and Howard told them to try a butt plug. He hung up with them a short time later.
Howard then went on to tell a story about a girl he used to have sex with 5 times a day that said she was an actress. Howard said they did everything to each other, even having sex in the tub. He said one day this other girl came over that he had had sex with months prior to the 5 times a day girl and a whole bunch of people were in the house. People started making out and Howard's girlfriend took her top off and an orgy almost ensued, but Howard didn't want that at all so he said ''forget it.'' Howard said later on he found out this girl was dating a guy with a gigantic penis and she won't talk to him anymore. Howard had to go to break shortly after that.
Howard Discusses Fred's Wife. 07/26/1994. 7:50am
Howard got back to Fred and his wife. He wanted Fred to hear him out before he went off on him. He went on to say that Allison used to be this sweet girl when she first started calling in. Then she met Fred on a Dial-A-Date and went out and hit it off. Howard said Allison wanted a way into the show and she found it through Fred. Howard and Jackie remembered the way she was back then and how sweet she was.
Howard said that after the bachelor party discussion, Fred's wife called in and had some things to say about how he was treated. Howard said that Fred was at a .3 blood alcohol level and wondered if Jackie had ever been that drunk. Jackie said he's pretty sure he's never been that drunk.
Howard talked to Fred about some of the stuff he did at that bachelor party and how wild it was to him. He said he wanted to leave Fred and Gay Rich alone because they were getting so intimate with each other. Howard thinks that Fred would have gone for it if Gay Rich had gone in for a major kiss with him. He was drinking a ton of tequila so maybe that's what started to turn him gay. Howard said they might have to outlaw tequila if it turns you gay. He joked that Fred was going around the city and breaking all the tequila bottles he could.
Howard also said that maybe Fred realized what he was doing with Rich and he was actually throwing himself down the stairs as a suicide attempt. Fred said that Howard doesn't drink so he doesn't know how that stuff can work on him.
Howard said that Fred's bachelor party was the best ever and no one can ever top it, even Ross Zapin. He said he had to take a break but pointed out that Fred's chin is healing very quickly. Jackie said that the band-aids on his chin looked better than the beard he had on there. Howard asked Fred if he was self conscious about them being on there and he didn't really mind them at all.
Howard got to the tape of Fred's wife where she goes off on Howard for not helping Fred quicker than they did that night. She said that if it was Howard, they would have rushed to get him help faster than they did with Fred. Howard went on to talk about how he and Fred have always had a nice relationship. He decided to throw the bachelor party for him and that's what he did. He said he told Fred to stay single because this is already turning into a nightmare.
Howard said he now understands why he went to Gay Rich, he doesn't have to explain anything to him. He got back to the tape from when Allison called into the show and went off on him. He wanted to get to the part where she goes off on him. He replayed that and told Fred that love is blind when Fred tried to defend her.
Howard said that Ralph told him that after the party he was walking home but passed out on the street drunk. The cops came and told him he couldn't lay there, he had to sit up. Ralph said that he just needed to sit down so he did that and then laid down when he felt like putting his head down. He fell asleep so the cops came by and told him to sit up. Ralph said he'd taken his shirt off too because it was so hot out.
Howard said that everyone saw Ralph out there too. Gary came in and said that his wife saw Fred sitting there on the sidewalk looking like a homeless guy. Ralph said one of the interns also saw him out there and asked if that was him laying in the street. Howard thanked him for the story and told him to go lay out in the hall. He went to break a short time later.
Howard's Sex Talk With Mom. 5/23/00. 9:15am
Howard was trying to get his father on the phone all morning. He wanted to ask him some sex questions. Someone finally got his mother on the phone while Robin was talking about a survey on how long a guy can hold out during sex. Howard started off his conversation with his mother asking her if she ''needs a lot of work'' to get her going. He asked if she needs 5 minutes or an hour. Mom just said ''Whatever is good, I do.'' She wouldn't get into details. Howard asked her if his dad has ever been a premature ejaculator.. She wasn't talking. Howard asked her if she would marry again if his father were to pass away. She said she wouldn't so Howard thinks that their marriage isn't as great as she makes it seem. She said that they got married because she wanted to start a family and that's what she did. There's no reason for her to want to get married again.
Howard heard that his mother was a virgin when she was married at the age of 18. He told her he believes her but he wanted to know if his father was a virgin. His mother basically said that he wasn't but she wouldn't say how many women he had before her. Howard was really surprised that he wasn't a virgin. He kept trying to get more info out of his mother but she said she doesn't talk about other people's personal lives.
Howard went on to talk to his mother about oral sex. During the President Clinton thing with Monica Lewinsky Howard got the impression that his mother didn't think that oral sex was sex. She told him that she thinks it's a very intimate thing but sex is ''when a man enters a woman's body..'' Howard asked her if she gave oral to his dad before they were married. She said she'd have to think about that. Howard took that as a ''yes'' . She later said that they just made out and ''petted'' each other. Howard kept trying to get info out of her about their honeymoon and stuff like that but she just wouldn't talk.
The two of them also discussed Howard's views on marriage and how he's telling people not to marry until they're old. He said he's told his 3 daughters not to marry until they're 40. He also told his niece the same thing. His mother says that she tells them that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Howard agreed that he doesn't know anything about marriage because his sure didn't work out. Robin told Howard's mother that she needs to share her secrets about how to keep a marriage going for over 50 years. That didn't get her talking about sex though. She just told Howard that he should conduct his life like she does and he'll be fine. But she wasn't telling him about her sex life so he doesn't know anything. At the end of the call Howard told his mother ''Tell dad 'hi' ... and give him some oral!''
William Shatner Comes In. 2/11/97. 7:50am
Good ol' Captain Kirk dropped by the studio this morning. As soon as he came in Howard told him that Jen the intern was freaking out that he was there. Jen came into the studio to meet her idol. Jen is a ''Trekkie'', she even called herself a nerd because she loves Star Trek so damn much. She even got to touch Shatner while she was in there. The rest of the interview was spent talking about Mr. Shatner's relationships with other members of the original Star Trek. For some reason the other members of the cast hate William. He can't understand it and denies ever having any problem with them. Howard also discussed Shatner's new girlfriend Nayreen. William was in today to plug his new book ''Quest For Tomorrow, Delta Search''. Howard read the dedication in the book and was surprised that it was dedicated to Nayreen. Before Shatner left Howard had to ask him about his penis size. He wouldn't give an answer so Howard assumes that it's small.
Howard's Sex Dream. 05/01/2001. 6:00am
Howard started off the show talking about what they had coming up and how fast paced it was going to be. Howard said that he had a sex dream about his hairdresser Toni (Coburn) last night. He said she was very loving in the dream.
Toni came in the studio to hear the whole story. Howard said that Toni is married with 3 kids so he would never actually do something like this. He dreamed that he and Toni were at a hotel somewhere and she'd just finished his hair. Howard was looking at the birthmark he has on his leg and asked Toni what she thought of it. Toni tells Howard that she thinks it's pretty and starts touching it. She works her way up to his private parts. Then Howard says he flipped her over and started rubbing her ass. That's when he woke up.
Toni didn't say anything about the dream because she's so shy. She quickly left the studio. Howard said he didn't know that Toni was the one he actually needs. He says he's thought of Robin in that way but all he ends up hearing is her laugh.
Howard mentioned that Gary Garver got an interview with Larry King so he was going to play that later in the show. He said they have a new stripper quiz as well. Beetlejuice was stopping by, Michael Buffer was coming in and Dave Chappelle was calling in. He also mentioned that Rodney Lee Conover was sitting in observing things from the Jackie Chair as well. He spent a minute talking to him and then went to break.
Siobhan To Lose Her Virginity To John? 05/22/06. 8:10am
After the commercials Howard was listening to the acoustic version of ''Every Homo'' that he and Fred performed last week. Then he moved on to Siobhan and this guy John who was there to have sex with her. He heard that this guy John wreaks of pot. Siobhan came in and Howard let her know that she looks hideous... and added ''No offense...'' Siobhan was wearing white for the guy since she's a virgin. Artie told her that if she just stayed a dude he'd be a good looking 50-something looking dude. Howard asked her about her hair so Siobhan pulled her schemata off her head and showed the thinning hair up there.
Gary said that the guy is in the green room with his hands shaking. Howard told him to bring him in quickly before he ran away. The guy, John, said that he wasn't high this morning but his clothes all stink because he smokes in his room. Siobhan said that he's not a bad looking guy but she was disturbed by the fact that he's on methadone. Howard said that John is a nice looking guy... Siobhan said that she's worried about diseases, not about his looks. Jon said tat he's been tested for stuff since the methadone clinic makes people get tested.
John said that he was tested for Hepatitis and all of that stuff so he's clean. Siobhan asked him where he works. John said he works for his family's exterminator business. Howard told Siobhan that he's a guy with a penis who is wiling to take her transsexual virginity. The pickings are slim for something like that.
Siobhan said that she's looking for someone who can accept her past history. She claims that there are men out there who don't believe that she was once a man. Howard found that hard to believe. Howard asked John if he could go through with this. John said it would be hard but he wouldn't have come down there if he wasn't willing to do it.
Howard asked Siobhan to show John her fake vagine. John said he had seen it before on Howard TV but Siobhan pulled down her panties and showed it to him. Howard had her show him her boobs as well. Siobhan showed him her implants and pointed out that she has a third nipple as well.
Siobhan asked John what he would do if they were walking down the street and they were accosted by some guys. Artie said that John would ask if they had any heroin. Howard told John that Siobhan's penis was cut up and turned into a vagina and clitoris down there. He also asked John about his heroin use and why he was using. John said he used to move around a lot and felt like he didn't belong.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told John to leave now before he lost his dignity. Howard told him not to spoil their fun and hung up on him. John was still up for it. Siobhan is looking for a boyfriend but John probably wouldn't be the right man.
Siobhan said that a guy hit on her last week and wants her to call him back, but he doesn't know that she's had this surgery. Howard told her to just go for it with this guy and try it out. John didn't even want to hold Siobhan's hand but she grabbed it and said that he was very cold. Siobhan's hands were bigger than John's according to Howard. She's also taller than he is. John said that his hands are very rough as well.
Gary noticed that John wouldn't even look at Siobhan. He was looking off into space. Howard asked John if he could look at her at all because he kept turning away whenever he did look. Siobhan was telling Howard that she's really looking for a guy who can afford to get her some more plastic surgery.
Gary said that he wanted to see Siobhan give John a lap dance. Siobhan was even going to let him touch her fake boobs. John copped a feel but didn't want to kiss it. John said that he wasn't looking for foreplay. Artie asked John if he gets laid. John said that he's gotten laid about 12 times in his life and he started out at the age of 14.
John said that he got in trouble when he sold drugs to an undercover cop one time. That really fucked his life up and the case is still going on. He got out on $500,000 bail 2 years ago. Robin asked him if he's going to stay off of drugs now. He said he's going to stay clean now. John said he got nailed for selling drugs to the guy three times.
Howard took a call from a guy who told John that if he goes through with this thing, he'll end up going back on the heroin. John said he almost did go back on drugs to get through this whole thing. Howard asked the two of them if they were ready to go do their thing. They were ready to go so Howard told John that if he wants to bail out at any time, he can just run out of the room. John said he wouldn't have come down if he wasn't going to do it and he doesn't want to look like a fool.
Howard told John to give it his best shot and asked him if he had any condoms with him. John said he didn't have any but he needs about 3. Siobhan said that she has a bunch of them and she'll even have a female condom that she'll be wearing. Howard asked her why she would have that, she's not a female. John is doing all of this just so he can get in on the Artie Roast that's coming up next month.
Howard took a call from Zolar who told John that he's got to give him props for doing this. He wants to know what it looks like and smells like. He wanted him to suck her titty right then but John wasn't going to do that. Zolar also told him that he'll be known as a junkie, homo for the rest of his life.
Another caller told John that he's probably going to smell like Brie cheese after he's done doing it and he may never get another woman. Ralph called in and asked Siobhan if she was nuts because she was putting up all of these huge obstacles for the guy to get past. She's got tons of cats at her apartment and she's asking him to eat her out and things like that. John pointed out that Siobhan has snot running out of her nose too. Siobhan said that it's the weather and she can't help it.
John said that he had sex about 4 months ago. He asked if this was going to make him gay. Howard and Robin said ''no'' but Artie told him ''Yeeesss!'' Howard said he wasn't going to try and convince this guy to do this, he told him to just go give it a try and see if he could get it up for her. He's going to be the first man to stick his penis inside of her fake vag. Richard Christy stuck his finger in there last week.
Howard said that Siobhan had her head on John's shoulder and he looked like he didn't know what to do. Ralph just laughed when he heard that. John said that he bailed out last week because he really didn't think he'd be able to go through with the whole thing. Howard told the two of them to go on their way and to call them back when they get to Siobhan's place. She lives about 10 minutes away.
John Can't Get It Up For Siobhan. 05/22/06. 10:15am
After the break Howard took a phone call from a guy who thought it was so funny that those truck drivers thought that they were talking to the real David Lee Roth. He said that's actually horrifying to think that there are people like that driving trucks around.
Howard went to Richie Wilson from In Demand who was over at Siobhan's apartment. Richie described the scene as the basement scene from the movie ''Silence of the Lambs.'' He said that the toilet is in the middle of a room and there are no walls around it. He said that the place smells like cat urine and there's hair all over the linens and things like that.
Shuli was also over there and said that he went to go pee in the toilet and there was a cat drinking out of it. He described the scene and said that there were cat cages all over the apartment and John was sitting there trying to chub up a bit. He was all nervous and shaking as well. He also talked about all of the cat toys and crap that were in there for them. There are cats with damaged ears and all kinds of other injuries.
Howard said that maybe Shuli and Richie should hand over their phones to John and Siobhan so they can listen in as this is going on. John got on the phone a minute later and said that he was having trouble chubbing up and Siobhan wouldn't give him a magazine to look at. Siobhan said it wouldn't count if he did that.
Howard asked John how they could help him out. John said that he was trying to get himself going but it was tough. Artie told Siobhan that if he went out and got a chick for John, that might help. Howard told John to let Siobhan just tug on that thing for him. He said that if he closes his eyes that might help too.
Siobhan laid down on the bed and spread her legs but that wasn't helping John out either. Howard told him to just go ahead and let Siobhan tug on his package. Howard asked him who he finds to be an attractive celebrity. John said he's into Eva Longoria so Howard told him to pretend that Siobhan is Eva.
Siobhan had to go and wash off her vibrator. When she came back she told John to take his shoes off. Howard told her to pretend to be Eva Longoria for John. Siobhan then started explaining the cats injuries and all of that. Howard told her to shut up and let John do his thing. John said that Siobhan was on the bed with her legs spread and they had no idea what was going on there.
Siobhan said that she blew out a hemorrhoid last night so that came up while she was trying to vibrate herself. Howard told John they had to get going so he had to do something. John put Shuli on the phone and Shuli described the scene. He said that John was walking around with his hand in his pants trying to turn himself on. Siobhan told John to relax. Shuli added ''Just relax, we're all guys here...''
Shuli said that John pulled out a condom and unwrapped it. Then Siobhan said that John actually has beautiful eyes and he's a very sweet guy. John had his pants unzipped and opened up. He was messing around down there. Shuli asked how come Siobhan's doctor isn't in jail for what he did to her.
John announced that he was actually getting smaller. Shuli tried to encourage him and John's pants did come down but he wasn't aroused. No one was surprised by that. Shuli said that poor John was staring at an inside-out penis on Siobhan.
Siobhan was still upset about the comments the guys were making about her cats. She said that the cats don't stink like the guys said they did. Howard said that she's got 30 cats in the apartment so it must stink.
Howard had George Flowers and Jon Hein come in with their show previews. George Flowers was first up with his Howard 100 News preview. George mentioned the stories that Lisa G mentioned earlier and also talked about some of the guests they had on the show today that they'll have interviews with. Jon Hein then gave a quick preview of what was coming up on The Wrap Up Show after Howard's show. He mentioned many of the things that went on during the show today and what they'll be talking about today.
Howard got back to Shuli and the crew at Siobhan's apartment. Shuli said that John was on the bed next to Siobhan. Howard asked him to put him on the phone so he could talk to him. John said that there was a cat on the bed trying to lick his penis and the smell was making him sick. He said he was trying to rub it to get it going but nothing was happening.
Howard had John put Siobhan on the phone. She told Howard that when she touches him, it shrinks into his body. Howard told her that she was a man so she should know what to do with it. Siobhan said that she wasn't very connected to her penis when she still had one. Howard told her to put John back on the phone. John said that he was going to try and shove it in while it was soft but Siobhan said it wouldn't go in unless it was hard.
Howard got Siobhan back on the phone. She told Howard that she wants him to tell John to eat her out. Howard tried to convince her to let John stick it in while it was soft. Siobhan didn't understand how John wasn't getting aroused while she was using the vibrator on herself. Howard told her it's because she's a man with a ''mangina.'' Siobhan believes that she's a woman with a vagina but that's not how these guys see it.
Siobhan said that she needs a man who is really into her and wants to have sex with her. Howard told her that's impossible but she said that's not true. Gary told Howard that Jessica Hahn was on the phone and wanted to talk to this guy. John got back on the phone and said he saw something under his vagina. Siobhan was saying that it was her hemorrhoid. John described it as red popcorn and couldn't explain it. He told Howard he has no clue what this looks like.
Howard put Jessica on the phone with John. She then told John to close his eyes and take a deep breath. She told him to think about her being naked and feeling really soft. She described kissing his belly and going down toward his penis and balls. She was saying that she was stroking his penis and balls and slipping down, feeling her way around with her tongue.
None of that was helping. John said that the scene was crazy there and nothing was helping. He said that there were cats swinging from ropes in the apartment. He said the smell was so bad he couldn't even think about that stuff. Howard was ready to bail out after that but John was saying that he still wanted to stick it in while he was semi-hard.
Howard got Siobhan back on the phone. She said that she had shoved her hemorrhoid back in after lubing it up. She said that she didn't want to take the penis in unless it was hard. She said that she's never seen a guy's penis go back inside when touching one. Howard had her put John back on the phone and then yelled at him to just get in there and do his thing. He told him to stop being a fag (and laughed as he was saying it) and to just go fuck that thing. That didn't work either.
Howard gave up and told John to at least just free the cats if he's not going to screw that thing. Rev. Bob Levy called in and told John to just go fuck that dude if he wants to come to the Artie roast. He told him to just go fuck that dick-cunt. That wasn't going anywhere either so Bob told him to just go fuck that 1 eared cat.
Gary said that he heard John said that he was willing to let Siobhan blow him. Howard wasn't sure he wanted to hear that. John then offered to lick Siobhan's fake vagina one time. Someone suggested 3 times but Howard was ready to call this whole thing an ''abortion'' and gave up on it. He told John that this segment, just like Siobhan's vagina, is mangled. He said he's going to let this guy into the Artie roast because he did give it a try.
John tried one last time to convince Siobhan to let him stick it in soft. Siobhan said that she won't let him do that because it's obvious that John's penis doesn't want him to. Siobhan agreed to let him rub the soft penis in there because she had a dental dam to use. John saw the hemorrhoid there again so he was freaked out once again.
John asked Siobhan to sit on top of him. Siobhan was yelling at him and not helping things out. She sat on top of him and said that his penis didn't even reach her pussy. John told her to just grab it and shove it in but that wasn't going to happen. Siobhan said that they have to find someone who really wants to do it. Howard told John that it turns out he was normal and he doesn't have to apologize for not getting aroused. He's still going to be invited to the Artie roast.
Today's Whole Lotta Love was over around 11:05am.
The Babapology Tape. 6/18/99. 6:30am
Thanks to Joner for the ''Babapology'' title.. If you didn't hear yesterday's show you have to read about the lost Baba Booey tape that I wrote about. This morning Gary brought the tape in and was ready to collect his money. He told Howard that he watched it again last night and it's even more embarrassing that he remembered it to be. He said it wasn't just a couple of months after he and Nancy broke up, it was 7 months later! Gary said that he wanted to cut out the first three minutes of tape because it was kind of boring but Howard wouldn't let him do it. He also told Howard that he wanted to nullify the Death Pool deal they had with Walter Matthau. Howard told him the deal was off. When Gary found out how much money was up in the air he changed his mind. KC came in and told Gary that he had $18,000 in his hand but a short time later he said it was only $10,800. He said he forgot a zero. It turns out there was a total of over $18,000 including the $7000 that Howard and the rest of the crew were putting in for the tape. 3 guys showed up for the first showing and there were others for the second showing with less money. The first 2 guys came in with a total of $10,000. They got front row seats for the video. Howard even had popcorn popped for the guys to eat while watching the tape. The first viewing went off a little bit past 7:00am. This Jewish Canter came in and sang a special Baba Booey version of the Star Spangled Banner for Howard but he didn't like it so he cut him off and kicked him out of the studio. It turned out that the first 3 minutes had some really funny stuff in it. Everyone got to see Gary from 11 years ago with his John Oates(Hall and Oates) look.. big moustache and all. Gary started off telling Nancy why he was doing the videotape.. because he couldn't ''get an audience'' with her. He told Howard that he was able to talk to Nancy on the phone but she wouldn't see him in person. He also said he was able to date her after he made the tape but didn't get into details. Everyone in the studio was laughing hysterically through the tape. The fans who showed up were commenting on Gary's big teeth and moustache. Everyone agreed that Gary came off as a big pussy.. and that was after only 5 minutes of the 12 minute tape! Howard took a break and came back to keep the tape going. Gary hints that he may propose to Nancy a couple of times but those big choppers don't let it out. The first viewing went on for over an hour and 10 minutes. There were plenty of funny parts in the tape to make it worth rewinding. At one point Gary tells Nancy that he ''lost my lover and my best friend'' and that she lost the same thing but gained another lover and best friend. Then he says that he gained some lovers but no best friends. Everyone burst out laughing. Howard called that formula ''Teeth=MC
In the clip Howard had his super fan, Uzo, come in. She was wearing a fur coat so Howard asked how she got that and found out it was from a guy friend of her's. She said it was a sugar daddy. Howard said that she looks better than ever. He said she has a red thing on her crotch. It turned out to be a thong. Howard said she likes to wear that to tease men.
Howard said he has gotten more pictures of her walking around the book signing lines kissing women. Howard asked Uzo about the women she's kissed and what that's been like. Uzo said that she likes the tall ones. Howard asked if she likes to make love to women. Uzo said she does. Howard read a letter he got from a female fan she made out with. The woman wrote what she looked like and Uzo said she made out with her for a long time. The woman said she found Howard very attractive too.
Howard said a lot of girls may not realize they're into girls until they meet Uzo. Uzo said that girls want to get close to her so guys look at them. She said that's what happens.
Howard said Uzo is stunning to look at. He said this is what the book signings are like. Uzo said the book signings are like her Christmas. She said that it's paying off after all this time. She said that he's the king of all book signings. She's going to be going to another one and she has boots that cost her $2,000. Howard asked if she'll wear panties. She said she will wear little panties.
Howard asked Uzo when she's heading to Philadelphia. Uzo said she's going down there after this appearance. She said the fans will be staying in the hotel and partying there. Uzo said she has friends from Prodigy Chat that she's going to be hanging out with.
Howard said Uzo spends a lot of time worshiping him. Uzo said she just got a new laptop. Howard said he has a new IBM Thinkpad with a 13 inch screen. Uzo let the F-word slip when she saw that. Howard said he has the unedited version of his appearance on the Tonight Show on the computer. Howard asked if she wanted to see the lesbian kiss. Uzo said yes. Howard opened up the screen so she could see. Howard asked if she can play video clips on her's. She said she can. Howard said this thing has a 13 inch screen. Howard showed her the Tonight Show clip and Uzo just kept saying ''Oh my god.'' as she watched. Uzo said her laptop is a Toshiba. She wanted what Howard had.
Robin asked Uzo what happened to her fiancee. She said she can't be with someone who isn't a Howard Stern nut. She said he has to be out of control as a fan.
Howard asked Uzo how she stays so thin. She said she dances and doesn't eat. She said she had Peanuts today. Howard asked what she said a few times because it sounded like penis.
Uzo asked if she could come over and bow to him. Howard said of course she can. Howard let her come over and give him a hug. She bowed to him and kissed his feet. She said she loves Howard. Howard said he loves her too. Howard let her go after that. She said ''Okay God!''
Ric Flair And Chris Canyon Argue Before The Big Kiss. 10/18/06. 9:10am
Howard came back from break and talked about Madonna's nanny because she's so hot. He said he saw pictures of her in the paper and she is way hot. Artie figures that the kid will end up banging the nanny by the time he's like 13 years old.
Howard said they had an audience in the studio to watch Artie making out with Blue Iris. Former WWE wrestler Chris Kanyon is the one to thank for all of this because he made the bet with Artie that the Mets would make it further in the playoffs than the Yankees would. Chris came in and said that Artie looked really mad this morning. Artie was smoking and drinking some Jack Daniels to get into the right mood for this. Howard said that he doesn't even let anyone smoke in there.
Howard had Ric Flair on the phone to talk to Chris about the last appearance he made on the show. Ric was upset with some of the stuff that Chris said about Vince McMahon firing him for being gay. Ric said that he thinks that Chris had some shortcomings in the ring and that's why he got fired, not because he was gay. Howard said that John Cena also said that Chris was a good guy but he didn't have the skills to do the job. Robin said he actually said he didn't have much of an act, that's what his problem was.
Howard asked Chris what he thinks about all of this. Chris said he thinks that the writers knew that he was gay and they put that stuff into the story line every week. Ric didn't think that had anything to do with why he was fired. Chris also said that he was in the WWE for 9 years and he wouldn't have lasted that long if he didn't have something. Ric said that he still doesn't think that he was fired because he came out of the closet.
Chris seems to think that Ric is going to say whatever it is that Vince wants to hear. Gary asked Ric what he thinks the real reason was then. Ric wasn't sure why they fired Chris so he doesn't know that it was because he was gay. Ric said he knows that there are gay people in the wrestling world and they haven't been fired. Those people aren't out like Chris was though.
Ric said that he thinks that it was just the fact that Chris didn't have anything to add to the WWE. Chris said he was fine for 9 years until he started talking about the fact that he's gay. Ric said that he's just not good enough to be on the show. Chris asked him why he was on the phone and why Vince wasn't. Gary said that he was told that Vince and the other guys are in Japan so that's why Ric is on the phone today. Ric kept saying that Chris just didn't have the right stuff for the show at this point.
Chris and Ric went back and forth on all of that for a short time before Howard interrupted and said that they had their words. Robin asked if it was true that Ric was put on the show because Vince couldn't call in. Gary said that was the story and Ric was picked because some of the other guys were busy in Japan. Chris seems to think that Vince picked Ric to speak on his behalf and he probably told him what to say.
Ric said that he's a huge fan of the show and he wondered why he would have Hulk Hogan on the show and not him. Howard said he doesn't know that much about wrestling but he knows Hulk's name so he has him on the show. He said he would have Ric on if he wanted but he doesn't know who he is. Chris told Ric he really respects him and thinks that he's the greatest wrestler of all time. Artie said that they're having the most civilized wrestling discussion of all time.
Ric told Chris he shouldn't use the Howard Stern Show to vent about that stuff. Chris said ''Unlike you, they called me.'' Howard let Ric go after that and moved on to the big kiss.
Artie's 10 Second Blue Iris Kiss. 10/18/06. 9:25am
Howard said hello to some of the fans in the studio. He spoke to a woman who came down from Boston to see the big kiss between Artie and Blue Iris. Artie had met her before at his movie premiere and the after party or at a taping of Kill or Be Killed at Caroline's on Broadway. She passed him a note there and Artie remembered that. He said that she was very flirtatious. She said she left her number on the note and he never called her. Artie said that he might have to give her a call.
Howard talked to another guy in the audience who is looking forward to this. He said that Blue Iris isn't all that bad looking if you look at her straight on.
Artie asked Chris if he would take $10,000 to forget about the bet. Chris said that's a lot of money... Artie said he was serious about it too and would give the guy the ten grand. Chris sounded like he could use the money because he hasn't worked in 3 years. Artie pulled out his check book and showed him he was serious.
Pat the Make a Wish kid was also in the audience today. Howard asked him why he hasn't died yet. Pat said he was supposed to die about 6 months ago but he's still going. Artie asked him if he would die if he gave him ten grand. Pat said he's actually going to get some chemo today.
Crackhead Bob was in the audience so Howard asked him if he was gay, referring to that prank call he made recently. Artie called him Faghead Bob and Bob got a little pissed off at him. Sam Simon was also in the crowd so Howard asked him why he didn't put him into the Bitter Half show. Sam said he does have a great voice for doing voice overs. Howard said that Sam was treating this like a sporting event with a cigar in his mouth.
Chris Kanyon's brother was in the crowd so Howard said hello to him. Joey Pajamas, Sal, Richard, Shuli and others were also sitting in the audience. Sal said that they were just seat fillers like at the Academy Awards. Sal talked about the slap that Chris gave him the last time he was on and how the welt lasted for 5 days. Jon Hein and JD were also in the crowd so Howard talked to JD for a few seconds.
Howard looked at Blue Iris' medical test and found that she was free of AIDS. Artie said he was worried about getting herpes or something. Blue came in a few seconds later and said that she doesn't have herpes or anything like that. Howard asked her when she last had sex. She said it was a couple of weeks ago. She had her AIDS test on October 12th.
Blue said that she is married to Ron Pinsky and that's the guy she had sex with last. Artie said he couldn't kiss a chick who's married. She was wheezing a bit as she was talking so she told them that she has asthma. Artie said he was afraid of catching that.
Howard went through a list of other things that Blue claims she doesn't have. She claims to be totally clean. Howard had her show her panties to everyone. Artie asked where the Jack Daniels and Heroin were after that. Howard went through just about every disease he could come up with and Blue answered ''Nooo'' to every one of them.
Howard asked Blue if she would mind if Artie ended up getting a little more physical than just the kiss. She said she'd be fine with anything. Artie said that he might want to titty fuck her instead of kiss her. Howard had the two of them prepare for their kiss a short time later.
Howard sent Artie over to Blue as Crackhead Bob was cheering him on. Howard said he felt really bad for him. Artie had a beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hands as he walked over. Artie put his arm around Blue and got ready to kiss her. He had to do it for a full 10 seconds. Artie told her to get read and then went in for the kiss. Everyone was yelling and letting out sighs as he made the kiss. Howard said he was feeling her up as well. Gary said that he felt up her ass and even showed the camera that he had his tongue in her mouth.
Howard asked Blue what it was like as Artie was kissing her. She didn't seem to think it was too bad. Artie said it wasn't so bad for him either. Howard said that you have to see this on TV. He said that Artie paid up on his bet with Chris.
Blue said that Artie was very good but she didn't like the booze that was on his breath because she doesn't drink.
Howard got back to Kristin, the woman in the audience who gave Artie her number one time. He asked her to stand up so he could check out her body. The guys were telling him to go make out with her. Howard let Blue get in a plug for her web site where they have a trailer for her final porn movie. You can check that out at BlueIrisWebSite.com. Howard asked her how many guys she's given oral to. She said it's probably over 50 but Artie didn't want to hear that shit. Howard gave Chris a plug for his web site at ChrisKanyon.net. Howard spent a little more time talking to everyone before wrapping up. He said that Blue Iris' documentary which will be airing on Howard TV starting next Tuesday. We get to meet her kids and other people in her life.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and said he can't believe that beast got made out with... and told Blue he felt sorry for her. Another caller asked when Artie was going to call his heroin dealer. Artie joked that his heroin dealer is his therapist now. Some of the audience members gave their thoughts on what had just happened. Sam Simon got in a plug for the Bitter Half Show that's airing next Wednesday on the show. He said he hopes that the Bitter Half will help them forget about what they saw there today.
Howard asked Sal what he thought about it. Sal said it wasn't as bad as Beer League but it came close. He said it was actually great radio. Richard said it looked like Artie was about to commit suicide but he just put that away and went through with it. Jon Hein said they'll be talking about that during the Wrap Up Show today. He said there was a bit of a show going on within the audience while the kissing was going on.
Howard wrapped up, gave everyone their plugs when Artie asked if he could just blow off the news and go out drinking. Howard told him he could do whatever he wanted after that. He went to commercial right after that.
Gilbert Gottfried Comes In. 01/14/04. 9:10am
Gilbert Gottfried came in so Howard got right to him. He said that Gilbert broke up with his girlfriend and he heard about what happened so he was going to tell the story. Howard goofed on Gilbert's name for a couple of minutes first. Howard then talked about the chick that Gilbert was dating. She was a cute blonde according to Howard. He said he couldn't even believe that Gilbert was dating her. Howard ran into her not too long ago and she told him that she loves Gilbert but she couldn't deal with him. She told Howard that Gilbert can't commit to anything and won't spend a dime. She also says that his cheapness is an illness. Stuttering John heard that he has boxes and boxes of shampoo in his apartment because he bought it in bulk. John said he won't even pay for a cab. Howard pointed out that John won't pay for one either.
Howard said that the girl was in love with Gilbert but she got tired of waiting for him to change. Stuttering John said that Gilbert takes home all of the soaps and shampoos from the hotels he stays in as well.
Gary asked Gilbert if he owns his apartment or a car. Gilbert says he doesn't own anything like that. The guys asked if he buys stereo equipment or anything. He says he doesn't spend anything. Howard said he thinks that because Gilbert's parents were very poor, he seems to hate his parents and wants to have as much money as possible. Howard asked him when he actually moved out of his parents house. Gary said he was pretty sure he was over 30 when he finally moved out.
Chaunce Hayden called in and said that Gilbert shows up to parties around the city and he always has a knapsack with him. He swears that he loads that thing up with food and stuff. Gilbert joked that he scoops up lasagna and puts it in the bag. Howard asked him if he takes salt shakers and things like that. Gilbert wouldn't talk seriously about that though. He just made jokes about it all.
Stuttering John said that Gilbert won't pay for lunch and he won't pay for a cab to get back to his home. Gary said that Gilbert didn't take a cab this morning. Carolines actually got him a car to drive him there. He told a couple of other stories about Gilbert's cheapness.
A woman, Valerie, called in and said that she slept with Gilbert years ago. Stuttering John said he thinks he knows who the girl is. He said that he slept with her as well. He said he only banged her twice. When he found out she was banging Gilbert he had to get out of there. Artie said she had quite a resume. She said that she really liked Gilbert, that's why she banged him. She told Howard that Gilbert would barely feed her and she would just bang him and leave. She also said that he was a good lover. Howard asked her what he was good at so she said that he spanked her. Gilbert said that she was just too picky with the food, that's why he doesn't call her. Howard asked her who was better in bed at the time. She said Gilbert was better than John.
John said that he was able to give her an orgasm. She also said that John has a bigger penis than Gilbert but Gilbert was still a better lover than John was. Valerie shared a few other stories about Gilbert and said that ragging on Gilbert isn't right because she had a lot of fun with him. Howard asked her about what kinds of things she did with Gilbert and what it was like getting spanked by him. She spent a short time talking about that before Howard got her off the line.
Another woman called in and said she used to invest Gilbert's money for him. She said that he has done very well for himself. Howard said that's because he doesn't spend any money. Howard ended up hanging up on her before she could say hello to Artie like she wanted to.
Howard gave Gilbert a couple of plugs for his appearances at Carolines and Governors. Stuttering John said that when he was going out with that girl Valerie, her parents met him at the door with a video camera. He said it was very strange. Artie said they should have asked her about her other celebrity conquests.
Valerie was back on the line a couple of minutes later. She said that she's even better looking now than she was back then. John said she was smokin' hot back then. She's 32 now. Howard wanted to see what she looks like now. He invited her to come in so they could check her out.
Stuttering John claims that he banged a Playboy Playmate at one point in his life so Howard asked him about that. John said he gave Will her name and she looked her up. Will came in a short time later and said that he spoke to the Playmate's mother and the Playmate recently had a stroke. That got Gilbert laughing pretty hard when he heard that. John said that he'd just found out that he was bad in bed and gave another girl a stroke. Howard had to take a break a short time after talking about that.
More With Gilbert Gottfried. 01/14/04. 9:50am
After the break Howard goofed on the fact that the Playmate John claims he slept with has had a stroke. Gilbert said that John tells them stories about chicks that he could have gotten. John said he didn't lie about the Playmate. He said she used her finger on him but didn't elaborate. John also claimed that he thought he could have gotten Nikki Ziering when he was on that ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here'' show she said some stuff to him that made him think he could have had her.
Valerie's Stories About Sleeping With Stuttering John And Gilbert Gottfried. 02/06/04. 7:50am
Howard said that this woman Valerie slept with both Stuttering John and Gilbert Gottfried years ago. Howard said she's a pretty cute girl. Gary said that she looks a little like Lizzie Grubman. John said that her big boobs are real too. John said that he banged her twice the one night they were together. Valerie said that she and Gilbert were together a little longer. John said that sex with her was great. He said she gave great oral and she's about a 7 on a scale of 10. John said that he was only 23 at the time it happened. He said he was still living at home with his mother at the time so he had to sneak her in.
John said that he was trying to get another girl at the time so he knew it would be just one night. Valerie said that it was a fun night though. John went on to tell a story about how he was shopping for a gift for his girlfriend at the time and ended up getting Valerie's phone number. John had a picture of her from 12 years ago where she looked hot. Howard was in the picture as well and he was disgusted by his huge hair.
John said that he took Valerie to dinner that one night and ended up getting on stage to sing. She said she was only 21 at the time and didn't care if it was just one night with him. John never called her after that night.
Valerie said she only had sex with him that one time and they'd had drinks that night so it was kind of hard to compare him to Gilbert. She said that Gilbert was really good to her. Gary said that she told him that John was a typical Long Island screw. She said that it was just an average screw and neither of them had done anything embarrassing or anything like that.
John asked Valerie to show Howard her breasts. Valerie pulled them out a short time later. She said that they're real after showing them her D-cups. John and Howard both said they were nice.
Howard asked Valerie what it was like to be with Gilbert Gottfried. She said he was a good guy. Howard heard that she was back together with him but she said that wasn't true. Howard wondered if he would actually talk to her back when they were going out. She said he was kind of shy but they did talk. She said that they'd lay there in bed and talk about stuff. She said she didn't remember exactly what they talked about. She did remember that he would show pictures of movie sets he'd worked on.
Stuttering John said that Gilbert lives in a tenement building and it's rent controlled. Valerie said he never really paid for anything either. She said she paid for her own drinks. He never had that much stuff in his apartment either so there was nothing to eat there. She said that he never gave her anal either. She said that he might have spanked her but not in a deviant way. She said that he was very sweet to her though. She couldn't remember if she got oral from him but thinks that it probably did happen.
Howard said he had a caller on the line who had some info about the 11 year old girl who was kidnapped the other day. The caller said they just reported that she was found dead behind a building. Howard said that really sucks. He and the guys spent a minute on that before getting back to Valerie.
John asked Valerie if he was bigger in the pants than Gilbert was. She said that they were both average. She also said that she had an orgasm with Gilbert every time she had sex with him. John said she was changing her story though because he spoke to her the other day and she was saying that he was bigger in the pants than Gilbert was. She said that Gilbert seemed pretty normal while they were laying there in bed. When she'd wake up the next morning there would be no food to eat so she'd have to eat on her way home. She said that both John and Gilbert are good guys.
Howard said this proves that Gilbert does have sex. He spent a little more time talking to Valerie about that stuff. Robin also confirmed the story about the 11 year old that the guy called in with.
In the clip Howard was talking about his friend Dr. Lou and being roommates with him in college. Howard said he remembers being asked to go to a party with this girl in college and he was wondering if Dr. Lou remembered that.
Gary said the woman is now a screenwriter. He said she's been hired by a big studio and her first project has been sold. Howard asked if this is Andrea. Gary said it is. He told Howard what she's been doing and said that he doesn't think she's married.
Howard had a picture of Andrea but he didn't think it was a great shot of her. Gary told Howard to look on the left side and he'll see more about the workshop she does. Howard told him to get her on the line so he can talk to her. Howard said he doesn't think she'll remember him.
Gary got Andrea on the phone and she did remember him. Howard said he knew her in his Freshman year. He asked if she's married now. She said she's not. She said she does date. Howard asked if she's interested in marrying. She said she is but she wasn't before. Howard said Robin is like that too. Andrea said this is the longest it's taken someone to call her back. She said it's been 15 years.
Howard asked Andrea if she was interested in him in school. She said she thinks she might have been but not in a big way. She said he was always very sweet to her. Howard wondered why he didn't get into her pants. She said she thinks he's a one woman man.
Gary told Howard he has Dr. Lou on the other line. Andrea didn't remember him. Howard got Lou on the phone and said he has to talk to Robin. He said he's pissed about what she said about his looks. Lou said Robin said he was nothing special. Howard said he has been friends with him since they were 10. Howard said they went to college together and everything. Lou said he has pictures of Howard from back then and you can see why the girls looked at him.
Howard asked if Lou remembered Andrea. Lou said he didn't. Howard said he kept her away from Lou so he wouldn't steal her away. Howard said Lou isn't so good looking now. Howard asked Robin to look at him and then at Lou. He asked her if they were all on a desert island, and she had to pick from him or Lou, who would she have. Robin said she remembers Lou like the Michelin Man. Howard let Lou go after that.
Howard got back to Andrea and asked if she would have slept with him in college. She said it might have been months before he got her but maybe. Howard said he thinks it would have been quicker than that.
Howard asked Andrea about what she's doing for a living and told her about the movie that he's working on. Howard said he has to make $100 million with his first film. Andrea told Howard about the project she's working on that got sold.
Andrea said she was in Nepal and she heard that Joan Rivers had been there. Howard said he's close with Joan and he was at her party. Howard said he had to brag a bit.
Howard said that he's not sure what else to say other than good bye. Howard said she has to go out and marry someone else who is single. Howard said this is the bad part of being on radio and calling people he liked. He said that Andrea used to ask to come see him do his radio show in college. He said she must have liked him if she wanted to see that. Howard let her go a short time later. Howard said you have to make your move when you have the chance.
Captain Janks Argues With Ex-Lover Marty. 9/15/97. 7:40am
Howard had a woman on the phone this morning who was complaining about Captain Janks. She let Janks stay at her house for a couple of months while he was out in Cleveland. Howard put the two of them on the phone together so he could find out what happened. This woman, Marty, met Janks at the movie premiere out in Cleveland and hooked up with Janks. They were together for a short period of time and even slept together. Janks was very defensive from the beginning of the call. He never let up either. He kept calling her fat and making fun of her Cleveland accent non stop. He said that when he had sex with her he wouldn't do it in the light. He'd only do it in the dark. Then Janks said that after he left she had a foursome with some guys which included Kenneth Keith Kallenbach. Howard tried getting Kenneth on the phone but his voice never came through because the delay button kept getting hit for some reason. Janks also said that he's going to send video of her having sex to Howard and Marty's dying father. Marty claims that Janks owes her money for phone bills that he rang up during his stay. He said that he sent money to her but she claims it wasn't enough. Howard just can't understand why Janks can't keep a woman. He can't keep a job either. I've learned one thing from all of this, don't get on Janks' bad side..
Benjy's Stripper Friend Alexis Visits. 10/04/2000. 7:15am
Yesterday Howard was talking to Benjy about performing oral sex on a woman at Doug Goodstein's bachelor party. Benjy had claimed that he used some kind of plastic on his tongue so there wouldn't be any bodily fluids exchanged. Everyone that saw him said that he didn't use anything.
This morning the stripper he performed the oral on came in to give the true story. 19 year old Alexis the stripper from American Strippers (DialADancer.com) came in to give her side. She claims that Benjy did use some kind of plastic, in the beginning of the oral. It didn't stay in the whole time. She also said that Benjy gave her the best oral she's ever had. She claims she had 12 orgasms!
Alexis even said she'd hang out with Benjy again. The two of them have kept in touch since that night but they haven't hooked up again because their schedules don't line up.
Stephen Baldwin called in and said ''Benjy for President!'' after hearing all of this. Howard said he guesses he has nothing else to add to the conversation. He let him go a few seconds later. Stephen said a quick ''thank you'' before Howard hung up on him.
Benjy continued to ask why it's a big deal that he performed oral on this girl. Howard told him that it's the fact that he didn't think about what he was doing and that it was in front of people he works with that makes it so disturbing.
Alexis stuck around and even kissed Benjy one time before she left. Howard and the crew all thought that looked disgusting with fat Benjy kissing her. Alexis also demonstrated her rapping abilities by doing a little free style rap. She was pretty good. Howard went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard had his dad on the phone and they were talking about alarm clocks and and how you get yourself up. Howard talked about how his dad doesn't have them in the house anymore. Howard said he just sits around all day now.
Howard let his dad go and wondered what he does all day and why he didn't call in before when he asked him to. Howard and Robin were talking about his parents having sex even at their age. Howard said you still want it because you're still the same guy inside. Howard said he doesn't think his mom ever wanted it. He said he doesn't think his dad knows what he's doing in the bedroom. He said they had a manual in the bedroom to help them. He said they kept it in the library. He said he must not have cared. Howard said they went over everything from kissing to petting and then to using your fingers.
Howard said he had a girl, Irene, who would come to visit once a year and she came over once and he whipped out the manual to figure out what to do. Howard said he lucked out and his parents were away. He said Irene's father brought her over to hang out and left her there with him alone. Howard said his hands were shaking and he figured he was going to get to second base. Howard said the manual was very direct and it showed you where the areolas were and things like that. Howard said they even showed how to unbutton a shirt. Howard said he was only 13 so he had an excuse to read that book. He said he may have been only 12 at the time.
Howard said he was shaking in his pants just to kiss this girl. He said they talked all day long and she must have thought he was a weirdo. Howard said they finally sat on the bed and then kissed. He said he pussied out and didn't open up her shirt. Howard said she might have liked it because she had the breasts of a 19 year old. Howard said he may have kissed her on the neck but maybe not. He said he may not have known to do it.
Howard said he would shake like a leaf when he did it. He said the girls must have thought he was like a little girl.
In the clip Howard asked Gary to bring in Chesty Love. Gary came in and said that he's never seen anything like this. Howard wondered why Gary didn't bring her in. He asked him to do that. Gary went back out and brought her in. Howard also had a woman by the name of Loony in the studio with him.
Chesty came in and Howard asked if she has implants. Chesty said she just had them lifted. Howard said he remembers a woman in Detroit who had huge breasts like that. Howard ended up talking about how he took acid back then and how he wasn't too happy with himself at the time.
Howard asked if Chesty was going to get naked for them. She said she could take them out. Howard had her do that. Chesty took them out and stuck to the story that they were real. Howard asked when she started developing. She said she was in junior high. She said her mom is much larger than she is. Howard asked if she felt like it was a freak show kind of thing. She said it depends on how the people treat you. Howard said he thinks that Chesty Morgan was implants. Jackie said these things come out of nowhere. Robin said they move kind of funny. Howard said there's no way they're real. Howard asked if she would take off all of her clothes. She said she had pantyhose on. Howard said that Gary negotiates to get all of their clothes off and then they don't do it.
Gary came in and said that she said she would take it all off. She said she will if she wants. Chesty said she has a costume to put on too. Howard said he has to see what her body looks like. Howard asked Robin if she's curious. Robin said she's not.
Howard said he has never seen breasts like that. Jackie said he's never seen anything close to that. Robin said she must be a major headliner.
After an edited out break Howard came back and had Chesty come back in. Howard said he thinks they're too big for him. He said he's not sure what he'd do with them. Howard asked Chesty what she drives and how she gets a seat belt across those things. He said they're like built in air bags. She said she has rested them on the bar when she's out drinking. Howard asked what they weigh. She said it's hard to weigh since they're attached. Howard said they could cut them off and weigh her before and after. Robin asked what she weighs. She said she's 130 pounds. Robin said those things must weigh 50 pounds.
Howard said Loony looks all sexed up. Howard said he would like to find out the real story of her breasts. Howard said while she was changing they were theorizing about them. Howard said that they can't be real. He said that she may have had big breasts and then she got into stripping and had them made even bigger. Chesty said she had them moved up. She said they were way down from the weight. She said they were very low and she just had them moved up. Chesty said she was told to make them smaller but she didn't want to do that. She said she likes the travel and the glamour. She said she likes doing radio shows like Howard's. Robin asked when she did that. She said she did it about 2 years ago. She said she's just out of college. Howard said the breasts make her look much older. Chesty said they can make you look more matronly when you dress to cover them up.
Howard asked Chesty to get naked for him now. He stuttered that out so Robin goofed on him about that. Howard asked her to show him the whole package. She said she'll come over to him and make it real private. Howard said she's very friendly and that's very important in the stripping world.
Howard asked what size she is. She said they're a triple T. She said she has to have the bras made for her. Howard said they're huge. Robin asked how she sleeps. She said she has to sleep on her side. Loony started singing so Howard had to ask her to stop. Howard said she was ruining it. Howard said they have to hurt. Chesty said they don't.
Howard asked if guys want to have sex with her. Chesty said they really don't. Howard said it's like a novelty act. Howard asked Loony what she thinks of that. She said it's wild. Howard asked if she'd like to be in bed with her. Loony said she'd probably be suffocated.
Howard said he's amazed by her physical attributes. Howard asked if she's booked for the rest of the year. She said she is but she has her agent tell her just a few weeks in advance where she's going so it's not too overwhelming. Howard said it was great meeting her. He thanked her for coming in and thanked Loony for coming in. He wrapped up a short time later.
HSWLL: Fred's Date With Allison - May 8, 1987. 02/13/12. 7:25am
Next on Whole Lotta Love they played a segment from 1987 when Howard talked about Fred's dial-a-date. Some of what you'll read below was written during a This Date in Howard History segment from December 24, 2008.
In the clip Howard was complaining about Gary and Fred being late. Howard found out that Fred was late because he was out on his dial-a-date the night before. Howard asked Gary for the phone number for the girl who he went out with. Gary didn't have it. Gary said he thought Fred would be there by now. Howard said as far as he knows Fred has never gotten any before. Gary said he thinks he has.
Howard asked how this girl looked. Gary said she was pretty and she had a decent body. He said he thinks that they were getting along very well last night too. Howard said he has to figure out how to get in touch with Fred. He said Fred and Robin are bad about not showing up to work these days now that they have a social life.
After an edited out break Howard was talking about how odd it was that Fred hadn't shown up yet. He said maybe Fred exploded and died or something. He said he hopes he's not like Robert Chambers... allegedly.
Howard said he's never seen Fred with a woman and now all of a sudden he's sleeping around. Howard said he wanted to talk to Gary about the date. He said that Fred is disrespectful for not calling in too. Jackie said he always calls in when he's going to be late. Howard told Jackie not to defend Fred. Howard said that Al Rosenberg was like that with Fred too. He said they were like little girlfriends. Howard told Jackie to kiss his ass all day and ignore Fred. Howard said Fred never calls.
Howard said he doesn't like being the boss of this show. He said that Robin called him to let him know she was going to be late.
Gary said some people just lose their minds and go nuts at some point in their life. Howard took a call from Fred who told him he was going to be late. Jackie laughed his ass off. Fred just hung up. Gary was laughing too. Howard said Fred is going to be without a job too. He thanked Fred for hanging up on him.
Howard asked Gary if he would have had sex with this girl too. Gary said ''sure!'' Howard had Fred back on the phone. Fred said he was sorry but then he hung up again. Howard said he doesn't mind if Fred has sex with a girl but he should show up to work on time. Howard said he was the one who hooked him up with her too. Howard said Fred thinks it's funny to hang up. He said he's like Imus.
Gary told Howard about the date and what was going on when they got there. He said the date wasn't there and they got nervous that he was getting stood up. Gary said there was a mix up and the car didn't pick her up so she had to take a cab down. Gary said the woman was wearing a white dress when she showed up. Howard wanted more details but Gary didn't have many. He said that she had average sized breasts. Gary said he had Mason Reese and his date there too. Howard said they should spend the whole day calling everyone.
Gary said they had a Penthouse Pet there at the date too. She drove her date home. Howard said these dates aren't supposed to work out. They're promotional dates. Gary said they had the mother/daughter date too. He said that the mother didn't show up so the daughter ended up going out with the blind guy. Gary said that the blind guy says that he's been getting a lot ever since he started doing the dial-a-date thing. Howard said he was laughing at that guy.
Howard and Gary talked about the date for a few minutes while they waited for Fred to show up. Gary filled Howard in on how the date went and how well they seemed to be getting along. Gary said that for all they know Fred and Alison just stayed up the whole night talking. Howard said that's very possible. He said he's seen him do that before.
Howard asked if Fred was drunk. Gary said he wasn't. Howard asked how long the date went on. Gary said they were there pretty late. He said they may have left at 11:30. He said everyone was having fun so he just took off. He said that they were supposed to be out of there by 9:30. Howard wondered how Fred can stay awake that long. Jackie said if it was once every 10 years he'd be able to do it.
Howard said Fred couldn't have performed very well. He said he had alcohol in his system and he must not have been able to perform. He said they'll find out when Fred shows up.
Gary said that he had to wrap up and leave but Fred and Allison were so engrossed in conversation that they didn't notice. Howard said he's going to stop talking about this date until Fred gets there. He said he's assuming that he had sex last night though.
Howard said Fred just showed up. He said he had a new hair style on him. He said maybe this new girlfriend wanted a new hair style.
Howard said that he had to find out what happened to Fred. Fred said he was going to say that nothing happened and was going to stick to that. Howard said that Fred was even talking normal now after the date. Fred was an hour late to work so Howard assumed that he had gone back to this girl's apartment. Fred denied it all and said that he didn't remember what had happened from 11 last night until the time he got on the air. Fred told Howard he had to wait for the hardware store to open so he could get a pick axe.
Howard tried to find out what happened but Fred wasn't saying a word. He denied sleeping with Alison and said that he was at Gary's place. Howard said he must have promised this girl that he wouldn't say what happened.
Howard asked question after question about what happened the night before but Fred refused to talk about it. Fred said that nothing happened. Howard said he could smell the sex on Fred and he knew that he had sex last night. Fred said he did take a shower though. Howard said he heard that Fred wasn't eating his food in a pouch last night like he usually does. Fred said he said good night to this woman at 11 last night and went back to Gary's place. Howard said he really wanted to know what happened but he might have to find out during a break.
Howard went to that break and when he came back he said that Fred had a wild night but didn't want to talk about it on the air. Howard said that Fred was in there exaggerating about it. Howard goofed on Fred about the clothes he wore the night before and now he's treating this girl like she's his fiancee. Robin said she doesn't know it yet but she's already engaged to Fred. Howard said he had to call this girl to talk to her. Howard had Susan Berkley on the phone though so he yelled at her since she was ruining the bit.
Howard said he knows what Fred is doing and why he was doing it. He said he can imagine what this woman asked him to say on the air so her mother wouldn't find out what happened. Howard asked if this new Princess Norris is going to be coming with him to the pool party this summer. Fred said that he may go out with this girl again. Robin asked if she was good enough to go out with again. Fred said that she was fine. Howard asked Fred if this meant that he wasn't going to be going home to Connecticut to visit his parents. Fred said that doesn't mean that at all.
Today's Whole Lotta Love was over around 11:00am.
Howard Stern Gets Engaged! 02/14/07. 6:00am
Howard started off the show talking about his computer being locked up and trying to get that fixed. Scott the Engineer was working on it and had it fixed within a few seconds of the show starting. Howard asked Robin why she didn't call him back last night. Robin said she was sleeping yesterday because she's sick. He said she never calls him back when he calls her. She said she just couldn't get out of bed.
Robin said that Howard doesn't think that she knows how to check her voice mail or even her e-mail. Robin said she heard her phone ringing but she didn't even get up to look at who was calling. She's still a little stuffy today.
Howard said he gave Beth a gift for Valentine's day and he wanted her to hear what it was so she could make fun of him. Artie had an idea of what he was about to say... The marriage word. Howard said he's the one who started the rumor. Artie started laughing at Howard so he told him to stop. He joked that he bought her a Pajamagram and that was it.
Artie said they have to play the tapes of him saying that he would never get married again. Howard said he knows but now he's just engaged, and he plans on staying engaged for 10 years. Howard made the official announcement that he is engaged so the guys were all goofing on him. Fred wanted to know if he had to get married to her. Howard said it wasn't like that, she's not pregnant.
Howard said he had a nice life and he's mad at her for doing this to him. He said she did say yes when he asked her. Gary came in and asked for the specs on the ring. Howard said that back around Christmas he started thinking about this and ended up going to this guy he knew to get the ring. He said that the guy was there at SIRIUS to help him out on the whole ring thing and Beth was scheduled to come down and do some stuff for Howard TV that day. He had to ask Doug Goodstein to reschedule her.
Howard said that their life is great together and he wasn't looking for a change but there are some people who treat her like she's his ''floozy'' or something like that. He said he kind of sees what goes on with certain people so this might help.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he wishes him luck. Howard thought he was laughing at him because that's what it said on the computer screen. Dominic congratulated him on the engagement. Howard said that he's thinking of taking on Beth's last name because of the confusion with Howard K. Stern's name. Artie said that some people will get the story wrong and say that Howard K. Stern just got engaged.
Howard took a call from a guy who did laugh at Howard for getting engaged. He goofed on Howard about the whole thing. Howard went on to say that the whole thing was very romantic but Beth didn't break into tears or anything. That kind of thing has been over for years.
Howard took another call from Wolfie who said that he remembers back to 1999 when he said he would never get married again. He said it didn't take him long to change. Howard said it's been 8 years so it's been quite a while. Robin said that this has been going on for a couple of years now, it's not like it just happened.
Artie asked if he had a pre-nup in the works yet. Howard said they haven't gotten that far, but he will have one. Ronnie came in and offered to do the bachelor party for him. Howard said Ross already asked him when that's going to happen. He's still in shock over the whole thing.
Robin pointed out that Howard didn't feel up that chick who was in the studio yesterday. Howard said it would have been a bad idea to do that on the same day he was asking Beth to marry him. The guys were also talking about Beth getting pregnant and having a baby. Howard said that's just not going to happen but the guys said they can picture him walking the baby down the street in a stroller. Howard said that stuff looks like complete torture to him and he can't imagine going through that. He said he's happy for his friends who have kids but he can't go through that again.
Howard said he called Beth's parents last night to let them know what was going on. He joked that he told High Pitch Eric too. Gary said that Beth told him at one point that she was going to be ''Mrs. Stern.'' Robin couldn't believe that she missed the call about this yesterday. Howard said he tried calling her twice yesterday and he never got through.
Howard got back to the story of how all of this came about. He was thinking about it back around Christmas. He was going through that when he saw he had a guy on the phone saying that he was an asshole for getting married. Howard said he's not married yet though. He said he's not ruining anything. The guy said there's nothing wrong with stability but they already have the stability. The guy said that the fans are going to slam him over this. Howard said the engagement is off then. He was just joking but he said he couldn't take the pressure.
Howard said that he really is shaken up. He was trying to tell the story but everyone was giving him a hard time. Artie asked him when he thought that he was going to get officially engaged. Howard said he still hasn't thought about it. He said he did talk to his kids about it about a year ago and has been thinking about it for a while now. It turns out he's not as much of a player as he thought he was going to be. He doesn't need to be married but he felt that there are people who think that it's not a real relationship because they weren't married. He said that Beth doesn't seem to care if they're married but he thought it would be a nice thing to do.
Howard said he spoke to this guy Richie about getting a ring. It was around Christmas but he didn't have time to get the ring done so he got Beth a necklace instead. The guy was surprised when he asked about a ring but they put it off until after the holidays. He said he's been looking at rings for a while now and he kind of knew what she liked.
Artie interrupted and got on his megaphone as Beth and said he was knitting baby booties. He also got on as Beth's mom and goofed on him. Howard said that was it, the engagement is off. Artie did some of his own Grandma Caprio impression before Howard could do it.
Howard tried to get into the details of the ring but he wanted to know if anyone else wanted to goof on him. He said he didn't talk to Fred last night but did speak to his wife. Howard asked Artie if he thinks that he's nuts for doing this. Artie said that he thinks the whole therapy thing helped him get to that point. He said he's been around people who are in awful relationships and Howard really got lucky finding this person. He'd like to bust his balls but he thinks that he's setting up a very happy ''rest of his life.'' Howard wanted to know if anyone thought it was a mistake. No one would say it was.
Howard said that they are engaged and planning to get married at some point. Artie said he thinks Howard is setting up a nice, relaxing future. He thinks it'll be a happy time for him when he retires. He'll have Beth and he'll be able to relax and vacation when he retires.
Sal came in and told Howard that he's very happy for him. Then he asked what happened to Beth saying that she never wanted to get married. Sal said that Howard is forcing her into it then. Howard said this was all his idea, she never demanded it from him. Howard said it's all his decision to go forward with it. Sal was laughing at Howard and wondering if Beth was going to want a baby. Howard said he told Beth that the baby thing isn't going to happen so Beth said that they might have to get divorced some day if she changes her mind about that.
Howard told Sal to get out of there. Sal told him that he's the one who will be in misery 10 years from now. He said that it's like Jekyll and Hyde. The guys asked Sal if he was coloring his beard because it looked kind of odd. Sal said he wasn't doing that and swore on the life of his kids he wasn't.
Benjy asked Howard if he knows what time it was that he did the engagement thing because he saw that Howard was writing about Scott DePace on their email system. Howard said it was before that and it was all over by then. He was back to work within a short amount of time.
The Engagement Ring Story... And Goofing On Howard. 02/14/07. 6:30am
Howard got to the story of how he came up with the ring design and picked out the diamonds. He asked for the ring to be ready for Valentine's day. He got it around 4pm yesterday. Robin said that there are a lot of guys who are on their knees today asking girls to marry them and he's one of them.
Double A called in and congratulated Howard on the engagement. He said that he's become Howard's bro over the years and this couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Double A said he wouldn't hesitate to marry Beth if he had her, but he's not going to get married because he's having too much fun at this point.
Dominic Barbara called back in and put his wife Leslie on the phone to congratulate him. Howard thanked her for that. He joked that it would be funny if Leslie started tapping out S.O.S. on the phone to get her out of that marriage. Howard thanked her for the call and then Dominic got back on and said that they will film the pre-nup as a 3 camera shoot. He said he'd love to be part of the wedding but threw in a ''Daddy, wipe me'' joke.
Artie got on the megaphone and did his Beth impression. He was calling as Beth and saying that it was time to take little Howie to little league practice. Howard said that's it, the marriage is off. Artie continued to goof on him about that but then tried to get Howard back to the ring story.
Howard said he was looking to see if anyone who was coming in today was going to bust his balls. They didn't have any guests who were going to do that. He said he was getting woozy over this whole thing. Robin told him it was a good move and he should stop worrying about it. Howard said he can dish it out but he obviously can't take it when people goof on him.
Howard got back to the ring story and mentioned he got it yesterday. He said it looked good and he hadn't discussed it with many people at all. He said he mentioned it to his shrink and his agent and accountant. He didn't even talk to his parents about it. He didn't know why he would do that. He said his father didn't even get on the phone to talk to him least night when he let his mother know what was going on. Robin thought that was kind of crazy. He didn't even call back to talk to him after his mother was supposed to tell him about it.
Howard said that he and his father know each other about as well as two strangers on the street. The guys found it hard to believe that Ben wouldn't get on the phone with his son when something huge like that happens in his son's life. Howard said he's used to that though. He said that his mother was excited about it.
Artie was laughing at Howard about that whole thing. Howard said that got him thinking about how his father didn't call him back. He took a call from the back office where they were playing clips of his mother talking about how dreadful this was. Howard got a laugh out of that.
The news had already hit the news wire so Gary brought in the first story. Howard read the story and got a few laughs out of that. He then took a call from Blue Iris who told him that she'd blow him before he gets married. Howard thanked her for that and then Blue said that she takes the cake for giving the best blow jobs. She also told Howard that she always feels safe when she hears his voice. Blue said she's feeling good but she has to lose 30 pounds because the doctor told her to do that after she suffered her stroke.
In the clip Gary told Howard about a story he heard about Jackie and his friends trying to have sex with sheep. Jackie told them that he was loaded and they did chase the sheep but they never had sex. He said that one of the guys got a hold of the sheep and yelled when he realized it might have been the wrong brand.
Robin's Last Sexual Experience... 1/7/97. 10:00am
Robin mentioned that she hadn't had sex in about 6 or seven years a few months back. Well today she was talking about it once again. It was New Years day 1990 when Robin changed her life forever. Robin had a wild night of sex but the next morning for her new years resolution she decided to get rid of her boyfriend. She fed him breakfast and when he was all done she asked him ''..don't you think it's time for you to leave?'' and ever since then she hasn't had sex with another man. Wow.. what a nut.
Vinnie Favale's Love Tapes. 10/14/03. 8:05am
CBS Vice President of Late Night TV, Vinnie Favale, came in to hang out with Howard. As he was starting to talk to him he heard someone clipping their nails. It turned out to be Fred who was having a problem with his nails. Howard goofed on him a little bit about that before moving on. He then played the clip of Don Zimmer crying as he was talking about what happened the other night during the Yankees game. Howard talked about how people are saying that Pedro Martinez was wrong for what he did but he thinks that Zimmer was wrong and Pedro did what he had to do. Howard and the guys went over that for a short time before getting to Vinnie.
Howard said the other day they were playing Gary's love tape that he made for his girlfriend many years ago. That's when they found out that Vinnie made a love tape for his girlfriend years ago as well. He explained how he met this girl over the phone accidentally and spoke to each other for four months and eventually got together. Howard said in one clip from his tape Vinnie is scratching his balls while he's laying around in his underwear. Howard let him explain that a little bit before he started to play the tape. Gary and Stuttering John saw the tape so they were telling Howard about some of the wacky stuff Vinnie does on the tapes.
Howard played a clip where Vinnie was blowing kisses and telling this woman how much he loves her. Howard said he's shirtless and in his underwear as he's doing this. Howard played about 10 seconds of it and had to rewind it so they could hear it again. Howard said a penis is a dangerous thing because guys end up doing stuff like this. He continued to play the tape and Vinnie talks about scratching his balls and how he caught himself. He says he'll stop scratching and how that will benefit her because he'll have a free hand for her. Howard took a couple of calls and some guys goofed on Vinnie for making the tape. Howard played some more of it after that while all of the guys in the studio laughed their asses off. Howard started the tape over but ended up stopping it at the same point because he couldn't get over the comment about how Debbie would benefit from that free hand. He eventually got past that and you hear Vinnie showing her his apartment. The place was a mess according to Gary who saw the tape. Howard and Artie were goofing on him. He was really in love with her back then and claims that he's still in love with her just as much today.
Dominic Barbara called in and said he'd pay $25,000 for the rights to the tape. He said that was his first bid as well and it sounds like he'd be willing to pay even more. Howard got right back to the tapes after that. Vinnie gives Debbie a tour of the New York City Mass Transit system. The guys wondered if this was the first chick he ever banged. That would explain why he was so nuts over her but Vinnie said that she wasn't the first and he'd banged maybe 10 women before her. The guys didn't sound like they believed him though.
Vinnie said he can't believe this woman married him after all of this. He said she moved out from Beverly Hills to Bensonhurst. Vinnie goes on to give Debbie the weather report and stuff like that. He also speaks to her in Italian for a short time. Howard and Artie goofed on him about that of course. Robin wondered what his parents thought about all of this. Gary said he saw his mother at one point in the tapes and she looked very happy to have gotten rid of him. Vinnie throws a few more kisses and tells Debbie how much he loves her. Vinnie heard some music in the background and wondered if Gary had thrown that in. Gary told him he didn't need to do that because Vinnie had put it in himself.
A caller said he bets that Gary is breathing a sigh of relief after hearing this. Howard said this makes Gary look like a man after seeing both of their love tapes. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and goofed on Vinnie a little bit. Howard also mentioned that Mariann wrote a letter to the NY Daily News so they talked about that for a few seconds. Howard said he liked what she wrote about Rush fans tuning into his show to hear truth, justice and the American way.
Vinnie wasn't giving them all of the tapes he made for Debbie. He said he didn't masturbate or anything like that on the tapes but he couldn't give them everything. A listener called in and suggested that they put together a bit called Dueling Douche Bags where they play a clip from Gary's love tape and then a clip from Vinnie's.
Howard also had tape of Vinnie and Tom Gisamundo from his station talking about a song for their band. Howard said Vinnie and Tom write songs together but don't perform the stuff themselves. In the tape Howard had Vinnie and Tom go through a song with no music playing and they sound like they're insane. Vinnie said they now talk about doing songs over the phone. The tape Howard was playing was from like 20 years ago. Howard continued to play the tape and goofed on Vinnie about how lame that was.
Gary said Vinnie and Tom hired a band to perform their song and they had that on tape as well. Howard played that and it was horrible. Everyone laughed after hearing the song. Howard played another clip after that where Vinnie and Tom performed as background singers for another song they wrote. They had this professionally produced music track that was put out. They sang background and ruined the song. They only wrote the lyrics, not the music. Howard had yet another clip where Vinnie sang one of his songs that was really bad. Tom also sang to one of them and that was pretty bad as well. Vinnie said they've probably written like 50 songs since 1982 or so.
Howard said that was about it for Vinnie's basement tapes but he knows he's got to have even better stuff. He said he had to take a break but had to talk to Jillian Barberie.
Big Foot Matt Comes In With A New Girlfriend. 4/27/98. 8:45am
The guy with the biggest feet in the world, Matt McGrory, came in today to show off his new girlfriend. Matt has been on the show a few times in the past. He's 7'6'' tall and has huge hands and feet. Howard said he's pretty odd looking. He's not kidding. The guy is wide but not fat and he walks kind of hunched over. His voice is really freakish. It sounds like he's putting his voice through a harmonizer like Howard does when he want's to talk in a really deep voice. So he showed up with Christina, a 6'4'' tall woman. They met on some tall club website. Christina lives in upstate New York and Matt lives in Philadelphia. He drove about 3 hours to meet her in New York. They seem to have hit it off and have gone out about 4 times. Howard asked them if they've had sex yet and they couldn't come up with an answer right away. It turns out that they've only kissed each other so far. Matt hasn't even felt her up. Some woman called in and said that Matt may be lying about this relationship because he asked her friend to go in with him the last time he was on the show. He and Christina denied that claim and kissed for Howard to prove that they really like each other. Matt is trying to pursue an acting career now but I think his roles would be limited. Let's wish these two the best on their new relationship.
Mark Harris And Davide Visit. 11/11/1997. 8:25am
Howard had Mark Harris come in with his boyfriend Davide. He explained who Mark was and how he was married to Martha Raye. He went on to talk about how after Martha died, Mark got $2.4 million from her estate. Mark said he invested most of that money and he's hoping to be able to live off of that. He said the house he's building is where most of that money will end up. The house is going to be 14,000 square feet and it will be for him and his daughter.
Mark said that Martha's daughter got $50,000 out of the will but she would have gotten just one dollar if it wasn't for him. He convinced Martha to give her more. Howard asked Mark about his love making with Martha and how he did it at least two times. He asked Davide if he knew that Mark had made love to a 90 year old woman. Davide said he did know that. Mark interrupted and asked Howard about the Real Doll but Howard didn't want to talk about that, he wanted to talk to Mark about his life.
Howard asked Mark about what he did after Martha died. Mark had gone over to Europe and met Davide. Mark said that was about 3 years later though. Davide was playing his violin at the time so Howard had him reenact that moment. Davide played his violin a little bit for them. Howard asked Mark what he sang with Davide that night he met him. Mark said it was Broadway tunes but he didn't remember which ones because he was so drunk at the time.
Howard asked Davide about how he got Mark into bed and got him undressed. Davide said that Mark was a little overweight so Howard figured he was disgusted by him. They spent a few minutes going over all of that. They eventually realized that they could work together musically. Mark said they realized that almost immediately.
Howard was going to let Mark and Davide perform a song but took some phone calls first. He also found out that Mark was actually born Mark Harris Bleefeld which he felt came off too German so he shortened it. He had Mark and Davide start their song a short time after that. Davide played his Violin over a music track while Mark sang ''Eternity.'' Jackie was laughing through the whole song. Fred was also letting out a few laughs while Mark was belting out the song.
Howard said the phones were lit up after the song. He took a couple of calls and let the fans comment on what they had just heard. One guy asked if his first wife was a lesbian. Mark said that was not true at all. He said that he wanted to know what this man's name was but the guy wouldn't give that information out. Some other callers told Mark he was awful and Gilbert Gottfried's singing Rabbi is better. Another guy said that his sphincter muscle tightened up when he heard Mark singing.
Howard let a few more callers through and said he didn't want Mark to get upset by taking more. Mark said it was all fine. Howard let a few more callers through to goof on Mark about his awful singing. Howard told Mark that he actually liked the performance. Robin said it was very interesting. Howard asked Davide to play a little more for them before he wrapped up. Davide played a little concerto on his violin and Howard told Mark to take off his clothes while he played. Howard said that Davide really has some talent and he's not sure how he got saddled with Mark. He went to break a short time later.
JD And Ashley Dupre Date Update. 03/23/10. 7:45am
Howard had Lisa G come in with her news preview. Lisa said she likes Howard's glasses. Howard didn't know who made them. He checked them out and they were by Bevel of Japan. Howard said he didn't know they were from Japan.
Lisa brought up JD's date with Ashley Dupre and asked if it was a success. Howard said he still has to talk about that. He said that he told JD to save that for the air. Lisa said they spoke to a couple of witnesses who saw JD on his date. Howard said he was out that night with Richie Notar who is one of the owners or managers of Nobu. He said that Richie was giving him updates because Richie had people sending him updates.
Howard said JD didn't play it up right when the TMZ cameras got him. Robin said they got Corey Feldman out at a club the other night and he was hiding his face because he was supposed to be in mourning. Howard said that kid still operates and that's good for him.
Howard said the Paparazzi were all over JD and he still didn't pull it off. He said he had that bad hair cut and he was mumbling. Howard said they were doing all kinds of stuff for JD at Nobu. They had hot chicks going over to hassle JD. They were telling him that they were big fans. JD came in and said that never happened. He said that the one girl that came over was okay but not a ''hot chick.''
Howard said JD has the worst smile when he poses for pictures. He said that Ashley didn't give him shit like they predicted. JD said he assumed it too.
Robin said that she's a hustler from what people have told them. JD said she's not a hustler. Howard said she was a former whore. Howard said the money for the date came from the movie ''She's Out Of My League.''
Howard asked JD what happened on the date. JD said they had a nice time. He said it was a good time. He said he didn't fly first class out there. He said it was a late booking and he didn't know the whole story. JD said he didn't work out the technicalities of the whole thing. Lisa was laughing at him about all of that.
JD said if he had flown first class he would have blown the budget. He said he did get to stay in the Four Seasons hotel. That was very nice. He said it wasn't a suite though. He said it was just one room.
Howard asked JD about getting ready for his date. JD said he saw her earlier in the day. They hung out a little bit. JD said when she opened the door he wondered how he could be just friends. He said that he picked her up at her house. Howard asked if she had her tits hanging out. JD said yes. Howard asked if he met her boyfriend at her house. JD said he wasn't there.
Howard told JD his outfit was lame. JD thought it was fine. He said he had a nice Polo shirt on. Howard said Ashley's breasts were huge. He said she's got some ass on her too.
Howard asked JD about going to Nobu. Ross had him set up with what to order. Howard said the TMZ guy was doing a good job out there too. He had some audio of the guy interviewing JD but he said JD didn't play it right. The TMZ guy did exactly what they wanted him to but JD didn't tell him to fuck off like they told him to.
Howard said the TMZ guy did a great job and did exactly what they told him to do. Howard said that Harvey Levin even made it the lead story on TMZ that night. Howard played the audio of the guy telling JD what a huge fan he was. JD told the guy to calm down. Howard said that part was good but he should have told him to fuck off and leave him alone. Howard said they were goofing on JD's hair cut and that wasn't cool. Howard said it would have been funny if the TMZ guy had banged Ashley after JD put in all of that time.
Howard told JD what he should have said but JD said that he told them that he'd be back. JD came out of the restaurant and they got him again. Howard said he told JD to use a fork there but they ended up sending him the retarded chopsticks. JD said he asked for a fork but they sent him the chopsticks and brought over the helper thing for the chopsticks.
The TMZ guy was asking JD about how he has time to do this when he's a big TV star. JD told him to shut up. Robin and Howard told JD what he should have said but JD was just laughing. Howard said he noticed that JD didn't open the door for her either. JD said she ran to the car so he didn't have time but he did open the door for her.
Howard played more of the audio of the interviews and the TMZ guy was giving him advice on what to do. JD and Ashley got into the SUV they were riding in. Howard said that JD should have gotten her drunk. JD said they had two carafes of wine. Howard said he needed 5.
JD said that Ryan Phillippe invited them over to his house. Howard said that he shouldn't have done that. He said he heard that JD didn't say anything when they were at Ryan's place. Howard said if he was on a date with Beth he wouldn't bring her to see Ryan.
Howard asked what Ryan's place was like. JD said his place was nice. He said it wasn't a huge mansion or anything but it was nice. He said he had a girl there and she was cute. He said she had very pale, white skin though. JD said that they hung out and talked. He said that they were going to go to a club but Booker was out there so he had said hello to them. Howard said Booker texted him to let him know what was going on. Howard said they had people texting them to give them updates.
Howard said he was over at the Boom Boom Room that night having his own fun time. JD said he saw some of the pictures he sent to Booker. JD said they went to Ryan's place for a short time and Ashley got a little tipsy. He said he was going to try and go in for a kiss at one point but he didn't want to upset her. He said that she had told her about how guys were treating her out there and he didn't want to be that asshole. JD said that he told her she's lucky he's not trying to fuck her. Robin said that was an obvious lie.
Howard said Ryan Philippe is a movie star. He said he's not even a TV star, he's a movie star. He shouldn't have brought Ashley around him. JD said they were there with other people too.
Howard asked if Ryan was too cool for the room. JD said they were just hanging out. JD said that he asked them to come over with a few people and they were listening to some African music there. JD said it was African hip hop or something.
JD said that Jesse Bradford was there. He's another actor. JD said that Breckin Meyer wanted to meet him but he never showed up. Howard said maybe Ryan was just saying that to make him look cool. JD said that Ryan is a good guy and he was just trying to help out.
Fred played some kind of weird music in the background and JD said the African Hip Hop was much hipper than that. Howard and Fred did their impressions of JD talking to Ashley. They goofed on him for a few minutes about his date.
Howard asked how long they hung out there. JD said they were there for maybe an hour. Then Ashley wanted to leave. It was like 12:30 when they left. Howard said that Ryan Philippe knows what to do. He said he knows how to party.
Fred was doing his JD impression saying he needed more ''me time.'' Howard said he's never met anyone with more ''me time'' than JD.
Howard asked JD if Ashley came back to his hotel room. JD said he got clues that there was no way that was going to happen. He said she was already figuring out how she was going to get home. She didn't want the limo guy knowing where she lives. Howard asked who is looking for her. JD said there are people who will follow you around so she didn't want anyone knowing.
Howard asked JD if he tried to do anything gin the limo. JD said she looked so hot but she wasn't doing anything. Howard said he would have asked her to show her tits while he jerked off. JD said that would creep her out. Howard said he knows you can't ask to do that.
JD said he helped her up to her place and that was it. She kissed him on the cheek and shut the door. That was it. JD said he got in the SUV and went back to the Four Seasons. Howard said it would have been funny to hear a bunch of locks locking on her door.
Howard asked JD if he was completely defeated at the hotel. JD said he expected it so he wasn't defeated. Howard asked if he had brushed his teeth. JD said of course he did. Howard asked if he beat off at the hotel. JD said he didn't but Howard said he's lying. JD said he was very nervous being out there.
JD said Ashley asked if he wanted to get breakfast. He said she was welcome to come over but time passed and she texted back that she had fallen asleep. Howard said that JD was probably all excited about it and she fell back asleep. JD said they were texting back and forth and he was trying to flirt with her a little bit. He said he thought he had some kind of in with her. JD said he started flirting with her a bit and said he wanted to kiss her last night. She brought up the ''friend'' word again and she does that whenever he tries to flirt.
Howard asked if she ever came over. JD said she didn't because he had to go to the airport. He said he ended up waiting there for the airplane to leave. JD said that she was going to come over and hang out as long as he didn't hit on her. Howard said that sucks. JD said he just went to the airport because he didn't need the aggravation.
Howard said falling back asleep is the worst. He told JD he's so sorry. Howard said they have to concentrate on someone who doesn't have such a high opinion of themselves. JD said that's not it. He said that he's just not the one for her.
Howard took a call from someone pretending to be Ashley. It was actually Yucko the Clown doing a girl's voice and saying that she didn't like JD's nerdy new hair cut.
Howard took a call from a woman who saw JD at Nobu and she was asking why he doesn't pay attention to her. She was looking for JD to comment on a picture or something.
Howard said he thinks that Ashley has never gotten attention like she's getting with JD. He said maybe the fun has to stop.
Another caller said that JD has to forget this chick because she's just using him. JD said that she's not using him. Howard said she's really not but she's not interested in JD sexually.
Another caller told JD he has no game and that's it. He said maybe she wants him to pursue him some more and he doesn't have the game.
Lisa G left the studio saying she wanted to be prepared out in the hall for when JD leaves. The caller was telling JD that he has to have game to get a chick like that. Howard said that the caller is right. He said that he should have told her the truth about wanting her and that if she didn't want that, then it's fine but he's going to move on. JD said he talks to other girls too so it's not just her.
Howard said he read that Ashley is going to be in Playboy. JD said he knew about that. He said he offered to help pick out the pictures she wanted to use but she turned that down. The caller asked if he asked in a creepy way. JD said anything he says comes out creepy.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up American Idol but Howard didn't want to go there. He hung up on that guy. Robin asked JD if he's done with Ashley now. JD said he's not going to pursue her anymore. Howard thanked JD for sharing his date with them. He told him ''Way to go...''
In the clip Howard was talking about the guys who work there and wondering who he would let date his daughter. Howard said he was talking to Ronnie the Limo Driver about the prom date thing and he was telling him that everyone has sex on their prom night. Howard said his niece is going to her prom soon. Howard said the kids bang in the back of the limo or they go to the hotel to bang. Howard said his niece had better not do that. He said his sister doesn't seem to care. Howard said he hopes his niece doesn't do anything.
Howard said guys are thinking they're going to get lucky on that night. Howard said he thinks that kissing is fine but not anything else. Howard said his niece has her whole future ahead of her. Howard said he doesn't want anyone creeping in her pants.
Howard said he's going over to his sister's house on Thursday night to make sure nothing goes down. Howard said he doesn't know where her father is so he's going to go over there. Robin said she doesn't think she wants her uncle there. Howard said of course she does. Howard said he knows every angel there is. Howard said he'll sterilize this young man if he has to.
Howard said the kids go to clubs. Jackie said that they'll be drinking. Howard asked how they're going to get booze. Jackie said Howard must be blind. Howard said Ronnie never lets them drink.
Howard said he will be going over to see his niece to see what's doing. Howard said he doesn't approve. Jackie said the pressure from Howard is going to be worse than the pressure of the prom.
Gary came in and said that his friend drives Ronnie's limo for prom. He said the drivers make bets on if the guy is going to get sex or not. He said sometimes they'll see the limo rocking back and forth. Howard said someone's daughter is in there. Gary said that they'll come back from the beach and there will be sand all over the back of the dress.
Gary said Howard's niece is very cute. He said that in this day and age it wouldn't really matter even if she wasn't.
Howard asked Robin what she did this weekend. Robin said she was visiting friends. Howard asked if she did anything interesting. Robin said she didn't really. Howard mentioned something about the Hamptons but Robin didn't get into any detail.
Howard said he thinks that his niece is a virgin. He said he has had discussions with people in the family. He said he has heard her say it to other people. Howard said he's heard conversations. Howard said she would tell them if she wasn't. Jackie didn't seem to think that would happen.
Howard said he told his sister not to let her go to the prom. Howard asked why she's so anxious to let her date. Gary said half the kids end up throwing up out the window of the limo. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Adult Film Actress Riley Steele Visits, Tracy Morgan Drops In. 02/25/10. 7:40am
Howard said that all of the guys are going berserk over this Riley Steele. He had the guys bring her in and said that she really is hot. He said she could be modeling. Howard said she looks tall too. She's 5'7'' but she had heels on which made her all that much taller. Howard asked Riley if she thinks that she's going to be like Jenna Jameson and make a big career out of this. Riley kind of confirmed that with a moan.
Howard told Riley that he was watching some of the video on her web site and asked about the high socks she was wearing. Howard said she was really hot on there.
Gary said that she apparently doesn't like to wear underwear. Howard asked if that was true and she showed him it was. Howard asked Riley where she grew up. She grew up in San Diego.
Robin asked about the father of the kid she was babysitting at 15. She confirmed that she was doing that guy. Howard asked about how she got the job and how old the kids were. She said one was 10 and one was 6. She said that she had been into porn from a young age. She said she had a lot of guy friends who would watch porn and they would just put it on. Riley said that it may have been their dad's porn but she's not sure.
Howard said that he read that Riley was masturbating in pre-school. She said she didn't know what she was doing, she just knew it felt good. Riley said that she found out about it later on and she didn't know she was up to that.
Howard asked Riley about what some people say about porn stars being mentally ill. Riley said that everyone has a hard life and you can get into any business and people have had hard lives in those too.
Howard asked Riley if her father tried to get her to stop masturbating when she was in pre-school. She said he never said anything to her about that. She said she doesn't know what she was thinking about back then but these days she thinks about girls. She said she does need a cock but girls are physically attractive to her.
Howard said Riley must be mostly lesbian. She said she doesn't really connect with guys on an emotional level so maybe she is. Riley said she was really young when she started having sex. She started in elementary school. She said people would see them and tell her dad about it.
Howard asked what happened to her mom. Riley said that she left the family when she was just one year old. Howard asked if she sees her at all now. She said that she doesn't but she has 5 brothers and sisters. Robin asked why she was the one she left. Riley wasn't sure. Howard asked if she ever asks about that. Riley said that she would go to her mom's house on the weekends and she never liked it. She said she lived with her dad and her grandparents and she loved them.
Howard asked about how Riley got started into having sex with guys. She said she started doing BJs to guys in high school. Howard asked how she learned to handle a guy the right way. Riley said that she's improved her skills a lot over the years. Riley said that Eric Everhart taught her the most. She said that you have to relax when you do it and just let your spit be a natural lube.
Howard asked Riley when she's with a guy in her normal life, is a normal size penis okay. She said it's almost a relief. Howard said he saw one guy pounding into her with a cock that looked like it was 10 inches. She said it was actually 8 but it was really thick. Howard asked how those guys last so long with her. She said she's not sure but maybe they're on drugs or something.
Riley said that the guys can go too long and you can get raw. She said she can handle it though. She said she can stay wet the whole time. Howard said she looked turned on in that video he saw on her web site. Howard gave her a plug for the site which is at RileySteele.com. You can also get her FleshLight at FleshlightGirls.com
Howard asked about this guy she was doing at 15. She said that he was a neighbor who hired her to baby sit. She said that she was very comfortable with him. Howard asked how it happened. She said that she would flirt a little bit more and stay later when she was babysitting. She said she would go pantyless and bend over to give him the signal. Riley said there was a lot of foreplay going on before anything happened. She said they would kiss and stuff and one day it just didn't stop.
Howard asked if the kids were asleep in bed. Riley said they were. Howard asked how many visits it was. She said it was about a month and it was like twice a week that she was going over there. Howard said she ended up blowing the dad. She said that's what she did. Howard said that's wild. Riley said she used to be ashamed of that but not anymore.
Howard asked if the guy got blown a few more times. She said that she did him a few more times but it was always awkward. She said that he was friends with her father so it was very weird. She said she stopped babysitting for him. Howard asked if the dad ever found out. She said that she hopes he didn't.
Howard asked Riley how she got into porn. Riley said she saw some porn when she was a kid and it was a bunch of kids in a hot tub. She said that it was a bunch of girls and then she saw another one and she knew that's what she wanted to do. Riley said that she started to watch Howard's show when she was very young and that helped too. Howard said that they did have an influence on people. Robin said she wasn't sure they should be proud of that.
Howard asked Riley about how she got into her first movies and she filled him in the details. Howard also heard that she got it on with someone in Kid Rock's bondage room. Riley said that they were going to dance for Kid Rock one night and they walked into his room and he had full bondage stuff in the room. She said it was pretty hard core stuff. Howard said that's great that he turned the room over to them like that. Riley said that she had met Kid Rock before at his concerts. She said that they dance on stage during his shows.
Howard wanted to dance with Riley so he asked Fred for some music. Fred played some Black Eyed Peas ''Boom Boom Pow'' and they both danced. Howard said Riley is a great dancer. Her skirt went right up.
Howard found out that this bondage room was at the Hard Rock hotel out in Vegas. Howard said it's odd how they gave him a bowling room and they gave Kid Rock a bondage room. Riley said that it was the first time that room had been used so it wasn't there when Howard was there.
Howard read that Riley didn't have sex for two years after that first time. Riley said that she and her friends were giving blow jobs to other guys in school. Howard read that she was going to lesbian parties in school. Riley said that those parties are just a bunch of girls getting together in real life to hang out, drink and just mess around. She said that they have stripper poles and stuff at the parties. Riley said there would be older women there too and they were just there to have fun. Howard asked what they would do there. She said they would dance and just have fun.
Howard said Riley sounds like a lot of fun. He asked if she has to get tested for diseases and stuff. She said that they do test often and that's the great part about being in the business.
Howard gave Riley some plugs for her FleshLight and asked what that was. She said it was a mould of her vagina that you can jerk off into.
Howard read that she likes to have a Spider-Man. She said that's when a guy jerks off into his hand and throes it into her face. She said she loves that. She wants to do it on film. Riley said that it's kind of degrading but she wants to do it on film.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if she's still available for babysitting. He said if she's not, what's the move that can get a guy laid with the babysitter. Howard asked Riley if she's a millionaire yet. She said that she's not yet but she's working on it.
Howard played a clip from one of her movies, Bad Girls 2, where she's gagging and then getting banged. Howard asked if she like dirty talk. She said she does. Howard said he had another clip from the movie ''Honey'' where this guy is calling her a whore. Riley said she was playing a whore in the movie and that's why he was calling her a whore. In the clip the guy was telling her to suck his balls and she was gagging on him.
Riley said that she didn't even know what that guy was going to do to her. She said it turned out to be kind of fun.
Howard said Tracy Morgan was there and he wanted to meet her. Howard asked if that was okay. Riley said that was fine. Tracy came into the studio and said hello to Riley. Howard told him to take it easy on her. He must have been a little rough on her.
Howard asked Tracy if he was hitting on her. Tracy said he was. Howard asked if she was the hottest porn star he had ever seen. Tracy said she was. Tracy was going crazy over her. He told her that was some awesome stuff. Tracy said that her toes looked like skittles too. Tracy said he loves to check out everything in porn movies.
Howard said that Riley's movies are very high quality. Howard asked if she's ever had sex with a black man. She said she hadn't. Howard asked Tracy if the black man is good at sex. Tracy said he can't speak for all black men. Howard said that some of the porn girls are threatened when they have sex with black men. Riley said that's true and people want to kill you if you do have sex with a black man. Howard said that it's a sad state of affairs when that is still going on.
Tracy said that no one ever goes off on black women for having sex with white guys. He said that's where Tiger Woods went wrong. He didn't have any black women that he was banging.
Howard told Tracy about some of the stuff that Riley was talking about and Tracy was going nuts over her. He said that she would probably break him. He said that she'd have him open like a research monkey.
Tracy was saying that he would even eat her butthole. He said he wants her to spit on his dick like she hates it and maybe write some racial epithets on it.
Howard said that he would love it if a woman would lick his asshole. Tracy said he gets that all the time. He said he gets his salad tossed all the time. Howard said he would feel bad if his woman had to do that to him. Howard asked how she does that kind of thing. Riley said that a guy can be on his back with his legs over his head. Tracy did an impression of what a guy sounds like when he's getting his ass licked.
Howard said he must be a little uptight. Howard said that Tracy has to get on her web site. Tracy said he likes women who are like 200 pounds with a C-section scar on them. He said he doesn't discriminate.
Howard asked Riley about a piece of jewelry that fell off of her. It was a vibrating necklace. She demonstrated it on Tracy. Howard asked how it's used. She said that you take it and put it right on there. Tracy was trying to see what was going on there. Riley didn't have any panties on so Tracy was trying to get a look.
Howard said it was great to meet Riley today. He gave her some more plugs for DigitalPlayground.com and her web site.
Howard said he was reading about Tracy being engaged. Tracy said he did that article a long time ago. He said that was long before he met Riley. Howard said that he seems to be taken with her. Tracy said that he wouldn't be able to keep her because he would be way too jealous. He said she'd have to walk around in the house ass naked all the time. Tracy said that he would hit her where she doody's at. Howard asked if she does anal. Riley said that she likes the pain. Tracy said he would do ass to mouth and more. Riley said that she's never done that. Tracy said he would eat her like a Gyro.
Howard gave Riley some more plugs and started to wrap up with her a short time later. Howard said that it was a great day to have someone so beautiful there. Gary said that he wanted to get her on the Sybian and give the controls over to Tracy.
Howard told Tracy about the Sybian and Tracy was saying that he might have to cum too. He said he might have to pull his meat out.
The guys set up the Sybian and Gary showed him how to control it. Howard told Riley to be honest while she's on it and be very vocal about it. Howard said that Riley might need it at 50 percent to start out. Tracy was confused by the equipment. He said he's never had anything like that.
Howard told Tracy to jack it up slow and not just bring it up to 100 percent. Gary showed Tracy what to do and they started her out with the vibration. Tracy was fine with the controls. Riley was at about 25 percent and she was already getting off. Howard had them bring it up to 50 percent. Tracy jacked it up some more and she was getting into it more and more. She was moaning the whole time she was on it. Riley was done about a minute into it.
Howard gave Riley some more plugs and wrapped up with her. Tracy asked if he could keep the piece from the Sybian that she had sat on. Howard asked Riley if that was okay. Riley was fine with it. Howard asked Tracy where he's going to keep that. He said he's going to put that next to his Muhammad Ali gloves in his house. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Today's Whole Lotta Love was over around 11:00am.