The special guest sitting in Jackie's old chair this morning was Rodney Lee Conover. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him learning, well, not much. Rodney did tell a story about meeting Bob Hope in a grocery store not that long ago. He said Bob just wanders around the store talking to people. He doesn't buy anything, he just wanders around. Rodney said Bob's eyes are all bloodshot and when he turned around to look at him it actually scared him.
Howard said Crazy Cabbie bugged him all day Saturday to find someone who had a big screen TV so he could watch the big fight on it. Howard knew he was trying to get up to his apartment but he wasn't about to let him come up. Howard was exhausted after the show on Friday because he was running around so much. Robin said she was exhausted too and she said she can't imagine how the fighters must have felt.
Howard said that Scott Einziger did a good job with the Saturday night show as far as the way he put it together. Howard and Robin were barely even on the show after Scott cut it. Howard said when they put it on E! you'll see more of the stuff that went on that day.
A phone caller asked Howard if he could challenge Hank to a rock and roll trivia thing. Howard said they've been wondering how long Hank will actually live after seeing the way he drinks all the time. Howard doesn't think he's going to last long.
Gary said that Sal the Stockbroker is a pussy off the air because after he was trashing him and Gary told him he'd take him on in a fight, he told Gary ''thanks for not punching me in the face'' off the air. Gary also talked a little bit about the Iron Sheik and how he kept stealing microphones from everyone. Gary also said he was happy to have Daniel Carver back on the show.
Howard said that Elisabeth from ''Survivor'' won't be on the show today. Like Rodger before her, she decided not to come on the show after the episode aired where she got kicked out of the tribe. Howard thinks that she didn't want to be asked whether or not she likes anal. He said he was really digging her on the show because she's so sweet and nice. Gary said he asked the publicist to go back to Elisabeth and ask her again but the publicist said that she had 3 months to think about it so it wasn't worth asking. Rodney told Howard that this is the real 'survivor' show. Elisabeth can stay in the outback for a month but she can't come on a radio show where she's asked goofy questions?
Mariann from Brooklyn, who sang the National Anthem during the ''Contention for Attention, called in this morning. Howard said his father wondered why people booed her while she sang because that's very disrespectful. Howard agrees but that's just the show. Mariann said that there were a lot of stuck up people at the fight. She said that Dominic Barbara, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Nicole Bass were all kind of stuck up when she tried to talk to them.
Howard said it was nice to see Elephant Boy at the fight too. Elephant Boy called in and babbled incoherently today. He's been taking it easy and avoiding the show for a while but now he's back. Boy was rambling about the Iron Sheik but no one really understood what he was talking about. He was saying something about the Iron Sheik shoplifting from the WWF New York store or something like that.
Howard said that attorney Dominic Barbara is really annoying. Howard said he was in the ring trying to interview the fighters on Friday and Dominic popped in for some reason. He was trying to give the fighters money and he was talking to him but Howard was on the air trying to do a show. Dominic asked Howard out to dinner on Friday night so he was going to go with him and Stuttering John. Dominic told Howard on Thursday that he couldn't go because he was going to Miami. Then Friday morning Dominic told him that he canceled his trip to Miami and he wanted to go again. Howard had plans to go to the restaurant Babo but then Dominic yelled out the time and the name of the restaurant in the middle of the ring. Howard was really annoyed by the whole thing. He actually had to cancel with Dominic because the restaurant wouldn't let him add another person to his group. Dominic was all upset but it was his own fault. Dominic called in and said the story was all wrong. Howard told another story about his girlfriend coming to the fight. Dominic ran right over to her when he found out she was there and he was all over her. He had her come sit next to him. Howard said that when Beth told Dominic that Howard informed the camera guys not to get her on camera, Dominic moved her because he was afraid he wouldn't get on camera. Dominic said none of that was true and he only moved her because it was near a corner of the ring and he was afraid she'd get hurt.
Fred watched the Billy Crystal special movie on HBO called ''61*'' over the weekend and he said it was really well done. Howard spent a few minutes talking about how Billy Crystal should grow up already and get over the whole baseball thing. He then read an article about how Billy's daughter Jennifer was in the movie but she had to audition for the part. Howard pointed out that she only had 5 lines in the whole movie so it wasn't a major role that she had to audition for. Jennifer thinks that she wouldn't have gotten the role if she wasn't good. Howard doesn't think she's right.
Cabbie came walking in with a new tattoo today. He has a huge number 3 on his neck for some reason. Howard and Robin said it looked like a 5 though. He later explained what it stood for but it didn't make much sense to me. Howard talked about how Cabbie kept calling him over the whole weekend for a little while.
This fight has changed both of the fighters. Both Angry Black and Cabbie say that they're over their anger now. They were actually being nice to each other through the whole segment. Angry Black said he has respect for Cabbie now and it would be hard for him to have a rematch because he wouldn't be able to get angry enough again. They both talked about the hits they took during the fight and how much it took out of them. Both of them were very mellow this morning and there was no yelling like there has been for the past few weeks.
General Manager Tom Chiusano came in and said that iWon.com has donated $9,000 to split between the two fighters as prize money. They'll split that and Howard said he'd throw in another $10,000 to split between them. So they'll come out with almost 10 grand each and it should make them happy.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls about the fight and most people think the fight was great. There were a few that thought it wasn't that great though. Angry Black said that he's happy that it came out a draw. That way both of them win.
Robin told Cabbie that he actually scared her when she saw him in his dressing room. She told him if he acted like that the week before, she would have bet that he'd win.
Angry Black said he actually got laid because of the fight. He took some chick back to a hotel, not home because his mother lives with him, and banged some chick. Cabbie said he got laid too so a phone caller asked him if his ass hurt because he got laid... referring to his gay experiences of course.
All of Cabbie's anger returned when he was reminded that Stuttering John said that he can kick his ass. Cabbie said he kept hearing John saying stuff during the fight about how he can beat Cabbie in a fight and stuff like that. John came in and said that he can beat Cabbie's ass. Cabbie said he'd take John on tomorrow if he wanted to. The two of them went at each other for a few minutes and Cabbie even started to lunge toward John at one point. Gary and KC had to hold him back. John said that he's pissed at Cabbie because he's heard tape of him bad mouthing Howard. Cabbie used to work for Tom Barnard in Minnesota and he said some stuff about Howard. Cabbie said he was working for the competition so he kind of had to do that. Cabbie says it doesn't matter now because he works at the same station as Howard and he's not in Minnesota now.
Cabbie kept telling John that he'd let him take his best shot right there as long as he could do the same to him. It wasn't happening today though. John said that he can knock Cabbie out in a street fight. He said if they want to have a real fight they have to do it without head gear. Cabbie's willing to do it that way because he knows he can take John out. Angry Black warned John that Cabbie really does hit hard but John wasn't listening. He said he'll take him on anytime.
Cabbie was even willing to give up his appearances on the show if John were to beat him. John kept saying that Cabbie was just doing this to get more air time but Cabbie says he's not. He gets enough of it as it is. Cabbie suggested that they do this thing with no headgear and with 10 oz. gloves instead of the 16 oz. gloves he and Angry Black used.
Gary said that he wants to take on Sal the Stockbroker as the under card fight. He suggested to Howard that they not let Sal back on the show if he doesn't agree to fight. They'll let him on if he does fight and it doesn't matter if he wins or not.
Cabbie said they could do this fight in a gym if Howard doesn't want to make it a big event. Of course Howard wants to make it a big event so it won't be in some gym. We might be in for another month of upcoming fight promotion. That is as long as Cabbie and John don't end up fighting in the hallway at the station.
High Pitch Erik had called in to talk about how he wanted to fight with Elliott Offen on Friday. As they were wrapping up the segment Angry Black said that High Pitch, who was supposedly rooting for Cabbie, came up to him and said that he was actually rooting for him. He was just pretending to root for Cabbie to get close to Cane, the guy that Cabbie works with on ''the Cane show, monday to friday, 6 to 10...'' All of this fight stuff is supposed to air on E! the week of May 21st.
Angry Black stuck around to sit in during Robin's news segment. Cabbie was gone but Howard was still talking about John fighting him. Howard was talking about how John has to win everything. He was going to play Scrabble with him on Friday night and John kept telling Howard he was going to kick his ass. He told him he knows a lot of words that use the letter X and he'd be able to kick his ass. Gary said he's played racquetball with John and he's always betting that he can kick his ass in that too.
The subject changed when KC came in. Howard said that KC is really weird. He took him out to dinner on Friday night and he won't eat anything new that he hasn't had before. It was a big hassle just to get him to eat some salmon and drink some wine.
Howard started off the show talking about what they had coming up and how fast paced it was going to be. Howard said that he had a sex dream about his hairdresser Toni (Coburn) last night. He said she was very loving in the dream.
Toni came in the studio to hear the whole story. Howard said that Toni is married with 3 kids so he would never actually do something like this. He dreamed that he and Toni were at a hotel somewhere and she'd just finished his hair. Howard was looking at the birthmark he has on his leg and asked Toni what she thought of it. Toni tells Howard that she thinks it's pretty and starts touching it. She works her way up to his private parts. Then Howard says he flipped her over and started rubbing her ass. That's when he woke up.
Toni didn't say anything about the dream because she's so shy. She quickly left the studio. Howard said he didn't know that Toni was the one he actually needs. He says he's thought of Robin in that way but all he ends up hearing is her laugh.
Howard mentioned that Gary Garver got an interview with Larry King so he was going to play that later in the show. He said they have a new stripper quiz as well. Beetlejuice was stopping by, Michael Buffer was coming in and Dave Chappelle was calling in. He also mentioned that Rodney Lee Conover was sitting in observing things from the Jackie Chair as well. He spent a minute talking to him and then went to break.
Howard said Stuttering John told him that Sting was on ''Ally McBeal'' last night and he's looking really old now. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking by that. Stuttering John also came in and told Howard a little more about what he saw. Howard said he saw Sting and thinks his nose job looks kind of odd. He said they did something to it to make it look clipped in an odd way. He said he can't figure out what they did to him. John said it looked like he may have been pulled back a little too. Robin said he's got something going on with his hair too.
Howard said he got home and watched ''The Sopranos.'' Howard's cousin Karen left a message for him last night and he knew it was going to be bad news so he didn't pick up. He tried to go to bed but he had to know the news so he listened. It turns out his cousin Dorothy died and Karen was letting him know. Howard said he thought about Dorothy all night after finding that out.
Howard doesn't have to go to the funeral since Jews ''bury their dead in like an hour.'' This got everyone talking about death and burying people. Gary and Robin brought up how they make ''wax figures'' of dead people and they don't look anything like you remember when you see them in their casket.
After that he ended up talking to Crazy Cabbie who calls him every day. Cabbie says he's still willing to fight Stuttering John after yesterday's show. Howard said at 7pm it's like midnight for him and Cabbie is just bothering him at that time. He told Cabbie that he had to go and got off the phone. He said he gets sucked in once in a while and answers the phone when Cabbie calls. Then he remembers why he hasn't been picking up for weeks.
Howard watched a Jackie the Joke Man movie in his car yesterday. He said after seeing it he really doesn't miss him being on the show. He said Jackie and Nancy were both in the movie and it was so bad that he ended up throwing it out the window on the Long Island Expressway. Howard then watched a Paul McCartney special called ''Wingspan''. Howard said that after watching it he saw how down to earth Paul really was and how much he loved his late wife Linda. Howard said he got sad because he'd just seen his kids. He had to stop watching it because he was getting so sad.
Robin told Howard a bunch of stories about what she saw in that show. Gary came in and said the show was called ''Midgets, Not a Fairy Tale''. Both Howard and Robin said they feel bad for Hank after seeing him all last week drinking and getting, or staying, drunk all the time.
Gary said that there are some dwarves who hate dating other dwarves and they're hated because of that. They talked about how sad it is to have to go through something like that in life. Howard said he knows, just look at his face. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Gary told Howard that KC doesn't make all that much money working there. Then Stuttering John came in and started talking about how hard it is to get a raise at that place. He said he and General Manager Tom Chiusano were negotiating and Tom actually gave him less of a raise than he did last year. John said Tom told him that it's because he didn't negotiate the right way. John shouldn't know how to negotiate because he's just a nitwit according to Howard.
Tom came in and said that he eventually gave John the money he planned to give him after John asked the Program Director how to negotiate the right way. Howard told John that Tom just needs someone to dick with and he's one of the unlucky people who gets dicked with. Tom tried to defend himself but Howard told him he should just tell John that he deserves a specific amount and that's it. He shouldn't dick him around the way he does. Tom said he wasn't doing that with John but he did renegotiate with him after John came back to him.
Howard argued with Tom for a few minutes about his tactics for negotiating with people there. He suggested that he not jerk them around there and laughed when he heard that people are getting even less than 7 percent raises these days.
Changing the subject again, Stuttering John told Howard that the NY Jets are willing to let KC try out for the team. KC says he's not in shape though. Howard thinks he should hurry up and get in shape so he can try out so he can possibly make some more money. Howard said he'd go down there with him and try out himself. He said he could kick a all or something. Gary pointed out that Howard can't play basketball and he doesn't think he could kick a ball.
Howard asked KC what he's going to do now. KC said he's still paying off a loan from the bank for other bills and he can't afford this stuff. He's in a studio apartment so he can't have a roommate. He also said he can't live with Benjy because he's living in such a small place. Gary said that Benjy once lived in a storage unit for 4 days.
KC said he's thankful for everything he's got. Howard said that KC is really afraid of Tom and won't ask for more money because of that. He asked KC what he's going to do now. He thinks that he can go down and bet on the Kentucky Derby and make enough to pay his bills. He said he needs about $1,500 to get him through this month alone. Howard said that if KC threw a hundred at the Derby, he could possibly win that $1,500 he needs. He sadi he kind of likes the way KC thinks.
Howard said he had to take a break but Gary said that he wanted to give KC a $500 prize but KC refused to take it.
They asked him about everything from Hank the Dwarf to what he shaves with. KC came in and said that Beetle will be shooting a porn movie soon where he sticks his head inside of a woman's private parts. You can find out more info about that at PicklePilot.com. Howard says he's worried about Beet doing that because it's dangerous. Beet says he'll be wearing a condom on his head when he does it. Howard asked him to be careful doing that. Beet said he'll be fine, he's done it before. He also claimed that the woman was on the phone, she wasn't. He also claimed that she was there at the studio but she wasn't there either.
Robin asked Beet how old he is. They thought he was like 32 but Beet claims to be 55. He also claims to be President sometimes though. Robin told him he looks good for his age. Howard said he wants to come down and see him do the shoot for that porno movie. Beet said they'll be shooting it in Jersey City at his place.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Beet and one guy just kept saying different phrases and Beet would go off on a tangent. The guy would say something like ''one, two, three, four...'' and Beet would ramble on and on about ''five, six...'' The guy said something about ''Pete Galfer for Mayor'' and Beet said he's running for mayor. The caller suggested that Howard just continue to say different words to see what Beet says. Howard tried it for a minute but Beet cursed and Howard had to hit the delay so we missed some of it.
Howard let Camille make her apologies to the world about her cursing, which she apparently just hears in her head, and then did some match making. He let Beetlejuice sweet talk Camille and by the end of the segment they were engaged to be married! Beet told Camille that he'd take her back to a hotel and hang out with her. She said she'd be willing to go out with him so everything just kept snowballing from there. Howard and Robin were shocked that Beetlejuice had found love today.
Howard would ask Camille questions here and there like whether or not she's been institutionalized. Camille would say ''I'd rather not say..'' which Howard took as a yes. He also asked her if she's on any medication. Once again she said ''I'd rather not say.''
One caller said that he wanted to hire Beetlejuice to hold a lantern on his lawn like a lawn jockey. Beet wasn't going to do that. Howard got back to Camille a short time later.
Camille told Howard that his show is what helped straighten her out. She said she learned to be less critical of people and to accept them more. Howard was baffled by that statement. Perhaps she wasn't listening to his show after all. While she was talking about this tears rolled down her face. Howard said he took that as a very big compliment.
A woman said she was in L.A. and the show wasn't live out there. Gary said that's because they're having transmitter problems and they're taping the show hoping to have it ready for the 6am airing. The woman was rambling about the problems while Beetlejuice was talking over her. She told him to shut up but Howard let her go before she could say more.
Beetlejuice actually proposed to Camille at one point and she said yes to him. They've only known each other for a couple of hours tops and now they're engaged. A few minutes later Howard was performing a very unofficial wedding ceremony for the two of them. When it came time for Beet to say his ''I dos'' he'd say ''I do...what I gotta do'' over and over again. Howard had to go to break so he had to end all of the fun.
Larry King was making an appearance at some old age home out on the West Coast. Gary Garver asked Larry a bunch of questions that they've asked him in the past so it was just a rehash of old material. Larry answered all of the questions no problem. He didn't know he was answering questions for the Stern show at first. Garver told him that he was doing the interviews for Infinity Broadcasting but didn't tell him it was for Howard. Larry figured it out and talked about him for a short time giving his explanation of why he doesn't like Howard's show.
Howard spent a minute talking to Robin about singer Esthero who he wants to get on the show to perform a song. Howard said he talked about her on the show one other time and Robin hated the song that he played. Esthero dislikes Robin now that she's said that. Howard jokingly said she wants to box Robin over her comments.
A phone caller asked Howard if he could play a game to win something today. Gary had a mystery record to play so they offered the guy a Palm M105 as the prize. Howard played the record of a guy singing in Italian. It was awful and the guy didn't get it right but Howard gave him the prize anyway. It turned out to be one of the guys from ''The Sopranos'' who was singing so poorly. Gary said it's off of the soundtrack album for the show called ''The Sopranos, Peppers and Eggs'' which will be available soon.
Robin said the singing was similar to Howard's father singing on the old tapes he has from 40 years go. Howard had Fred play those tapes so he could compare them. That led to Howard talking about his father and how he yelled at him so much when he was a kid.
Howard's mother called in a short time later to yell at Howard for talking about his father that way. Fred was playing the tapes of Ben Stern yelling ''Shut up, sit down!'' and ''I told you not to be stupid you moron!'' and Howard was saying that's the reason he has to go to a shrink. He wondered if he should bring those tapes to the shrink to play. Howard's mother told him that she can't believe he's playing those tapes and making fun of his father that way. She was saying that his father never yelled at him like that, other than those rare moments that were caught on tape. She also said that Howard doesn't need a psychiatrist because it's all nonsense. She doesn't believe in them and she doesn't think that they do any good for people.
Robin told Ray that she went to a shrink and it did a lot of good for her. Gary and Stuttering John agreed that it helped her out a lot. They also told Ray that it's made Howard a different man. Howard was a miserable guy 4-5 years ago according to John. He's more understanding and relaxed now and it shows. Ray just thinks that Howard's past is just that, his past, and he doesn't need to think about it anymore. He tried to tell her that's why he goes to the shrink but she just doesn't want to hear it.
Howard's buddy Ralph came in and backed up everything everyone was saying. He hangs out with Howard more than anyone and he would know. Howard said Ralph knows him better than his own mother so he should know more than she does. Howard thinks that his mother just thinks that since she raised him, there can't be anything wrong with her son. That just isn't true though. Howard eventually told his mommy that he loves her and his father very much. After he hung up he said to call and set up an appointment with his shrink right away.
Howard asked if he could be the flower girl. Beet said that Robin had to be the flower girl and she had to be naked. Howard had High Pitch Eric come in a short time later. Eric told Howard that this guy Drunken Jamie had eaten some of the cat shit from his cat litter pan. Howard let Eric go after that and said that he didn't want to take anymore calls this morning but Henry Hill was on the line. He had Robin start her news but took that call from Henry a short time later.
Howard kept asking Henry what made him fall off the wagon after a year and a half of being sober. Henry was so out of it he wouldn't answer the question and he couldn't even get his thoughts out. He mentioned something about going to his dentist in 2 hours but he never finished that thought either.
Henry told Howard that his bitch woke him up early this morning and mentioned something about Imus and Cabbie. Gary came in and said that he's really bummed out that Henry is drinking again. He knows that Henry probably killed guys years ago but he's bummed out that he's fallen off the wagon after a year and a half.
Henry kept cursing so when he'd say a word that was questionable he'd ask Howard if he could say it. He said something about ''Those scumbags...'' and then he said ''..can I say that?'' Howard told him he could say that but Henry wouldn't finish his thought. He did the same thing with ''assholes'' and never finished. He finally said the f-word one too many times so Howard had to hang up on him.
A short time later Henry called back to apologize but he said the f-word again so Howard had to hang up on him again, for the final time. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. Beetlejuice was still throwing out some nonsense as she was doing her thing.
KC came in late in the news and told Howard that Beetle can stand on his head. He said that he could try to get him to stand on his head for the last 10 minutes of the show. Beet got up and went over to another part of the studio and tried to stand on his head. He got up a couple of times but didn't last long. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later, around 10:20am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard said that he had a sex dream about his hairdresser Toni (Coburn) last night. Toni came in the studio to hear the whole story. Howard said that Toni is married with 3 kids so Howard would never actually do something like this. He dreamed that he and Toni were at a hotel somewhere and she'd just finished his hair. Howard was looking at the birthmark he has on his leg and asked Toni what she thought of it. Toni tells Howard that she thinks it's pretty and starts touching it. She works her way up to his private parts. Then Howard says he flipped her over and started rubbing her ass. That's when he woke up. Toni didn't say anything about the dream because she's so shy. She quickly left the studio. Howard said he didn't know that Toni was the one he actually needs. He says he's thought of Robin in that way but all he ends up hearing is her laugh.
Howard came back from a commercial and Fred was playing an interview with Phil Donahue. That got Howard talking about how Phil retired and then how his father retired at an early age. Howard said his father was the one always talking about how he has to work all the time but then he retired early and has done nothing since then.
Stuttering John told Howard that Sting was on ''Ally McBeal'' last night and he's looking really old now. Howard and the crew discussed that for a short time.
Howard said he spent an hour and 45 minutes in the car going out to Long Island to see his kids yesterday. He spends 3 hours of car time for 1 hour of time with his kids out there. He said he was going insane in the car. Then he got home and tried to watch ''The Sopranos'' but he ended up talking to Crazy Cabbie who calls him every day. Cabbie says he's still willing to fight Stuttering John after yesterday's show. Howard said at 7pm it's like midnight for him and Cabbie is just bothering him at that time. He told Cabbie that he had to go and got off the phone. He said he gets sucked in once in a while and answers the phone when Cabbie calls. Then he remembers why he hasn't been picking up for weeks.
Howard's cousin Karen left a message for Howard last night and he knew it was going to be bad news so he didn't pick up. He tried to go to bed but he had to know the news so he listened. It turns out his cousin Dorothy died and Karen was letting him know. Howard said he thought about Dorothy all night after finding that out. He doesn't have to go to the funeral though, since Jews ''bury their dead in like an hour'' according to Howard. This got everyone talking about death and burying people. Gary and Robin brought up how they make ''wax figures'' of dead people and they don't look anything like you remember when you see them in their casket.
Howard watched a Jackie the Joke Man movie in his car yesterday. He said after seeing it he really doesn't miss him being on the show. He said Jackie and Nancy were both in the movie and it was so bad that he ended up throwing it out the window on the Long Island Expressway. Howard then watched a Paul McCartney special called ''Wingspan''. Howard said that after watching it he saw how down to earth Paul really was and how much he loved his late wife Linda. Howard said he got sad because he'd just seen his kids. He had to stop watching it because he was getting so sad.
Robin said she watched a special on Dwarfs that upset her. She described one story where a family abandons their dwarf son. He grows up and goes to find his mother and she ends up screaming and telling him that he's not supposed to be there. The guy leaves and never goes back to see his mother. Another dwarf has an operation to make her taller but she has complications afterward. Gary came in and said the show was called ''Dwarves, Not a Fairy Tale''. Both Howard and Robin said they feel bad for Hank after seeing him all last week drinking and getting, or staying, drunk all the time.
Changing the subject again, Stuttering John told Howard that the NY Jets are willing to let KC try out for the team. KC says he's not in shape though. Howard thinks he should hurry up and get in shape so he can try out so he can possibly make some more money. Gary later offered to give KC $500 to help him get through this month but KC says he won't take it. He thinks that he can go down and bet on the Kentucky Derby and make enough to pay his bills. He said he needs about $1,500 to get him through this month alone. He refused to discuss how much he makes because he's so embarrassed by the amount. He said he'll talk about wetting his bed and crapping himself but he won't talk money.
Robin asked Beet how old he is. They thought he was like 32 but Beet claims to be 55. He also claims to be President sometimes though.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Beet and one guy just kept saying different phrases and Beet would go off on a tangent. The guy would say something like ''one, two, three, four...'' and Beet would ramble on and on about ''five, six...'' The guy said something about ''Pete Galfer for Mayor'' and Beet said he's running for mayor. The caller suggested that Howard just continue to say different words to see what Beet says. Howard tried it for a minute but Beet cursed and Howard had to hit the delay so we missed some of it.
This woman Camille came in this morning to apologize to the world for some reason. She told Howard that she wanted to apologize to people who she's offended with the ''N-word'' or other curses she's said. She had an odd speech impediment which was kind of disturbing. Before she got to apologize Beetlejuice said that she was his girlfriend for 10 years. She's not really but he says it anyway. Mike Gange came in and said that the two of them were all over each other out in the green room so maybe there were some sparks there. Howard let Camille make her apologies to the world about her cursing, which she apparently just hears in her head, and then did some match making. He let Beetlejuice sweet talk Camille and by the end of the segment they were engaged to be married! Beet told Camille that he'd take her back to a hotel and hang out with her. She said she'd be willing to go out with him so everything just kept snowballing from there. Howard and Robin were shocked that Beetlejuice had found love today.
Howard would ask Camille questions here and there like whether or not she's been institutionalized. Camille would say ''I'd rather not say..'' which Howard took as a yes. He also asked her if she's on any medication. Once again she said ''I'd rather not say.''
Camille told Howard that his show is what helped straighten her out. She said she learned to be less critical of people and to accept them more. Howard was baffled by that statement. Perhaps she wasn't listening to his show after all. While she was talking about this tears rolled down her face.
Beetlejuice actually proposed to Camille at one point and she said yes to him. They've only known each other for a couple of hours tops and now they're engaged. A few minutes later Howard was performing a very unofficial wedding ceremony for the two of them. When it came time for Beet to say his ''I dos'' he'd say ''I do...what I gotta do'' over and over again. Howard had to go to break so he had to end all of the fun.
Howard spent a minute talking to Robin about singer Esthero who he wants to get on the show to perform a song. Howard said he talked about her on the show one other time and Robin hated the song that he played. Esthero dislikes Robin now that she's said that. Howard kiddingly said she wants to box Robin over her comments.
A phone caller asked Howard if he could play a game to win something today. Gary had a mystery record to play so they offered the guy a Palm M105 as the prize. Howard played the record of a guy singing in Italian. It was awful and the guy didn't get it right but Howard gave him the prize anyway. It turned out to be one of the guys from ''The Sopranos'' who was singing so poorly. Gary said it's off of the soundtrack album for the show called ''The Sopranos, Peppers and Eggs'' which will be available soon.
Howard said the singing was similar to his father's singing on the old tapes he has from 40 years go. Howard had Fred play those tapes so he could compare them. That led to Howard talking about his father and how he yelled at him so much when he was a kid. Howard's mother called in a short time later to yell at Howard for talking about his father that way. Fred was playing the tapes of Ben Stern yelling ''Shut up, sit down!'' and ''I told you not to be stupid you moron!'' and Howard was saying that's the reason he has to go to a shrink. He wondered if he should bring those tapes to the shrink to play. Howard's mother told him that she can't believe he's playing those tapes and making fun of his father that way. She was saying that his father never yelled at him like that, other than those rare moments that were caught on tape. She also said that Howard doesn't need a psychiatrist because it's all nonsense. She doesn't believe in them and she doesn't think that they do any good for people. Robin told Ray that she went to a shrink and it did a lot of good for her. Gary and Stuttering John agreed that it helped her out a lot. They also told Ray that it's made Howard a different man. Howard was a miserable guy 4-5 years ago according to John. He's more understanding and relaxed now and it shows. Ray just thinks that Howard's past is just that, his past, and he doesn't need to think about it anymore. He tried to tell her that's why he goes to the shrink but she just doesn't want to hear it.
Howard's buddy Ralph came in and backed up everything everyone was saying. He hangs out with Howard more than anyone and he would know. Howard said Ralph knows him better than his own mother so he should know more than she does. Howard thinks that his mother just thinks that since she raised him, there can't be anything wrong with her son. That just isn't true though. Howard eventually told his mommy that he loves her and his father very much. After he hung up he said to call and set up an appointment with his shrink right away.
Howard had his gadget RIM 957 Blackberry Internet Wireless Handheld Device. He talked about how great it is to be able to read your e-mail anywhere you want to. He said he checked his e-mail while he was in his car this morning. He can even answer e-mail with the wireless thing. This got everyone talking about cool technology. Gary was talking about how great AOL's Instant Messenger is. He said he and Anne Marie have to talk a lot and Instant Messenger comes in really handy to keep in touch. Howard said that Ron Zimmerman is on AOL all the time chatting with people and it's kind of strange. Howard then started talking about these people who has personal web pages where they have their pictures and their philosophy listed. He said it's so gay when adults do that. Gary said that the guy who's in charge of hitting the delay on Howard, Andre Gardner, has a web page like that. Howard wanted to check it out but his internet connection was down.
Gary said that the people at ''The Weakest Link'' contacted him to find out if Howard would be interested in doing Celebrity Weakest Link. Howard said they'd have to pay him a million bucks to do it but he will do it. Robin brought up a story about the host, Anne Robinson, and how she lost custody of her kids. She gave Howard some of the details and after he heard the stories he said he'll do the show for free now. He said he'd sit there with a tabloid magazine in his hands just so he could bring up some of those stories while being yelled at by the annoying host.
Howard said he hated to see that supermodel Niki Taylor was in an accident yesterday and now she's in intensive care down in Atlanta. Apparently the driver of the car bent over to pick up a cell phone and he ended up hitting a lamp post. No one had visible injuries but Niki had some major internal injuries that have put her in intensive care. Howard said he knows he couldn't get her before but now that she's ''in a coma'' he might be able to get her.
Howard was reading through a list of rich hot chicks that FHM magazine has published. Howard read through some of the chicks and said that he could probably get some of the less attractive ones if he wanted to. They've got tons of money and that makes up for their looks. Howard said they should get all of the chicks on the show so he can try to pick them up. He said if he can't get them then they can pawn them off on an audience member.
Fight announcer Michael Buffer called in this morning to talk about last week's fight. Buffer wanted to tell Howard what a great event it was and how well it was put together. Howard told him they might have another one with Stuttering John and Crazy Cabbie who got into a verbal fight on Monday. Buffer said he heard the show on Monday and it sounds like it might be another great event. Howard says they might have the Beetlejuice wedding and the fight on the same day.
Buffer plugged a couple of things he's working on. He's got a video game called ''Ready To Rumble Boxing'' coming out soon. He also told Howard he's got a Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots-like game coming out that sounds cool to Howard. Buffer said you put on gloves that have radio transmitters in them. When you move your hands the boxers in the small ring throw punches. Howard said that's the kind of boxing he can do. No actual touching. Buffer said that game will be out sometime in the summer.
Howard also spoke to Buffer about his 23 year old wife Gretchen. Howard wanted to know if they had a pre-nuptial agreement. Buffer said that these days it's the only way to go. He has to put a certain amount of money in a fund each year to pay his 33 year younger wife if they do get divorced.
After talking to Michael Buffer Howard replayed the segment where his mother called in from yesterday's show.
Since he was talking about ''Survivor'' Howard said he saw odds listed in the paper today. He said he couldn't figure out some of them and the way they work. He said the odds on Tina winning are 1-2. Colby is 11-10 and Keith is 3-1. Howard and the crew tried to figure it out but it wasn't working too well. A guy called in and told Howard that you have to bet the second number to win the first number. So with Colby you'd have to bet $10 to win $11. With Tina you'd have to bet $2 to win $1 and so on. The guy begged for a prize so Howard gave him tickets to Cirque de Soleil and a pair of tickets for the ferry from New York to New Jersey. Howard ended up talking about when he goes to live shows like that they always pull him out of the audience and up on stage. He said he really hates when they do that but Gary said they don't do that to people at Cirque de Soleil.
Howard is planning to go to the strip club Scores on Friday to have a Crazy Cabbie/Angry Black fight party. Gary asked him if he wanted Cabbie and Angry Black there or not. Howard said no because Cabbie is too crazy. He said that he doesn't mind Angry Black being there but no Cabbie. Gary told Howard the last time they went to Scores was July 30, 1999 so it's been almost 2 years. Howard has been kind of busy since then... with the separation and new girlfriend. He said he doesn't really need Scores but he's going anyway. Gary brought up more names for Howard to reject. Benjy won't be going this time even though he said he had an agreement that he was allowed to go. I'm sure we'll hear more about the trip next Monday.
Anne Previn called in real quick to talk to Howard about the show he missed out on last night. She said it was a private showcase of her band's songs for a select few industry people. She said there were about 75 people who showed up to the event. Howard said it was a little too late for him last night. Anne told Howard they're doing it again tonight a little earlier so he might be able to go. Howard spoke to her for a couple of minutes and then had someone take down some info from her so he can plan to go tonight.
Howard said he had to give Red Peters a plug this morning. He's the guy that sings ''How's Your Hole... Family'' and many others that Howard has played on the air. Howard said he's now got bumper stickers that are pretty funny. Some of them include:
Howard says the NY Post must really hate him. They did an article about him today and they keep putting the most unflattering picture of him in every article about him. He told Gary to call Richard Johnson over at the NY Post to find out who the photo editor is. Howard hates the picture because it's him looking up and all you see are his huge nostrils and the roof of his mouth. Howard said his daughter even goofs on the size of his nostrils.
Howard said this Scores trip they're planning for tomorrow is already a nightmare. Howard said Cabbie is invited but now he wants to bring a friend, his manager. Howard also changed his mind about Benjy. Yesterday he decided that Benjy couldn't go but today he'd changed his mind because everyone told him about the last time and how he told Benjy he could go as long as he didn't stare at everyone. Howard doesn't want Cabbie going because it's just another guy who will be taking funny money from the rest of them. Benjy always causes problems and Howard changed his mind once again... He's out. Howard said Benjy took a dump at Scores last time and it stunk up the whole place. Howard told him that his bowels should shut down when he goes there.
Stuttering John said Benjy always asks dumb questions about the strippers too. It's just too much for Howard to deal with. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said he's heard that the girls at Scores are petrified of Benjy because he just stares at them. Everyone says that Benjy just stares at the girls like an axe murderer.
Stuttering John said Benjy has a lot of weird quirks and he's seen them when he comes over to his house. Benjy had night terrors when he stayed over one time but everyone thinks that he just does it for attention.
A woman called in and asked if she could go to Scores with the guys. After she said she didn't want to dance for the guys, Howard told her she couldn't go. If she wanted to party with them they would have let her go. Gary said a couple of the office chicks want to go so Howard said that was fine with him.
Howard finally agreed to let Benjy go if they kept him in another room away from the normal guys.
Jon was in to talk about some of the shows that have ''jumped the shark'' and why they've done it. Howard brought up ''Friends'' and Jon told Howard that when they have a same sex kiss on a show they've ''jumped the shark''. Jon thinks that ''Friends'' went bad a couple of years ago when they beat Ross and Rachel's relationship to death. Jon also thinks that ''Survivor'' went bad when you started seeing the ''Survivor'' products all over the place.
Jon says that wedding shows usually ruin a series. ''Once and Again'' just did it last night and it's now ''jumped the shark''. Jon says that ''The Sopranos'' has stayed pretty good but it's on the edge of jumping with all of the hype and products that they're putting out. Here are some more examples of when shows ''jumped the shark'':
A listener called in and asked when ''Married with Children'' ''jumped the shark''. Jon says it's when Ted McGinley joined the show. He says whenever Ted joins the cast it ruins shows. He said he's a good actor but a black cloud follows him around. He was on ''Happy Days'' and many other shows including ''West Wing'' just recently.
Jon said shows jump the shark when they make movies based on the show. ''X-Files'', ''Twin Peaks'' and some others are included in that group.
Howard asked Jon about shows that never ''jumped the shark''. Jon says a lot of people think that ''The Simpsons'' never jumped. ''Police Squad'', ''Freaks and Geeks'' and ''The Larry Sanders Show'' are a few others that never ''jumped the shark''.
Jon said that when shows do special singing shows they jump the shark. ''Ally McBeal'' is an example of that as well as ''The Brady Bunch'', ''The Flintstones'' and ''Alice''.
Someone called in and asked when Howard's show ''jumped the shark''. On Jon's web site they say it's when Cabbie was let on the show. Cabbie may have ruined the whole show. Another caller said that it went bad when Tom Chiusano refused to give Billy West and Jackie more money to stay on the show. The guy told Howard his show sounds like a Morning Zoo run by a Morning Jew now. Howard tried to let that one slide but it got to him a little later. You can find out more info about all of your favorite shows at JumpTheShark.com
Howard talked a little more about the article in the NY Post about him possibly going on ''The Weakest Link''. He says he's not going to go on and be a pussy. He's going to bring up the host's past problems and he's going to ask her hard questions. He brought up the fact that she lost custody of her daughter 20 years ago because she was such an alcoholic. Howard and Robin both said that white women didn't lose their kids 20 years ago unless they really sucked as a parent.
Tonight is the final ''Survivor'' episode and Howard says he's going to be watching the first 2 hours and taping the final hour. He played tape of a homeless guy being interviewed about who he thinks will win. The homeless guy says that ''we're all trying to survive...'' Howard said someone should take a bunch of homeless guys and make a Survivor-like show with them. Robin suggested that they could have them build a shelter out of cardboard or something like that.
This all led to a bunch of people talking about the bathroom habits of certain people who work at the station. Scott DePace apparently has a number 2 problem and he stinks up the bathroom every day. Tom Chiusano goes to the bathroom far from his office for some odd reason and someone at the station craps in the toilet and doesn't flush... every day!
Dr. Soifer has a book out called ''The Shy Bladder Syndrome : Your Step-By-Step Guide to Overcoming Paruresis'' and you can check out his web site at ShyBladder.org
| Question | Caller Says | Stripper Answer | Correct? |
| What is Al Gore's wife's name? | N | Helen | N |
| Who discovered electricity? | N | Thomas Edison | N |
| Who found the cure for Polio? | N | Some unique doctor | N |
| Question | Stripper Answer | Correct? |
| How many candles are on a Minora | Twelve | N |
| What letter comes after Y in the alphabet? | Z | Y |
| Who invented the light bulb? | Thomas Edison | Y |
| How many states are in the USA? | Fifty | Y |
| What President spent more than 2 terms in office? | Kennedy | N |
| What President is on the $5 bill? | Jefferson | N |
| Who was the third President of the US? | Jefferson | Y |
| How many senators are in the Senate? | Seventy two | N |
| How many senators represent each state? | One | N |
| What is the square root of 64? | Eight | Y |
| What is the capital of California? | Los Angeles | N |
| What is the capital of New York? | Manhattan | N |
| What is the capital of Maryland? | Baltimore | N |
| What is 20% of $200? | Point two oh | N |
| What temperature is freezing? | Thirty two degrees | Y |
| Name both New York Senators. | D'Amato and.. I don't know the other | N |
| What is the sun, a moon, planet, star or plant? | Star | |
| What month are taxes due? | April 15th | Y |
| How many holes are in a game of golf? | Eighteen | Y |
| How many people are in a quartet? | Four | Y |
| How did JFK Jr. Die? | He was assassinated by James Earl Ray | N |
| What food group is corn in? | It's a starch but it's considered a vegetable | Y |
| What number is Black Jack? | Eight | N |
| How many clitorises do you have? | One | Y |
| How many weeks are in a year? | Sixty four | N |
| What name is Abe short for? | Abraham | Y |
| Name the pro basketball team in New Jersey. | Knicks | N |
| How many days are in a year? | 360 or maybe 362 or 364 | N |
| What animal is Pork? | Pig | Y |
A few minutes later Stephen Baldwin called in and spoke to Howard for a couple of minutes. Howard asked him about the recent fight his brother Alec allegedly had at some basketball game. Stephen said that Alec didn't fight, it was a heckler that started everything and got arrested. Howard asked Stephen if he could find out how much money Alec wants to rent out his house in the Hamptons this summer. Stephen told him he'd try to find out if Alec is willing to do that for him. It was getting late in the show so Howard wrapped it up pretty quickly.
Angry Black was there and he was acting wild according to everyone. Rodney Lee Conover, who has been sitting in Jackie's chair this week, was there and he got pretty wild at the place too. Rodney said he walked in this dark room where everyone was hanging out and it took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust. He thought he saw everyone getting naked in there so he started to strip down himself. Then the lights came on and he saw that no one was naked. He was almost there himself though. One of the strippers yelled out ''Ewww... Naked guy!'' Gary said he later saw Rodney Lee with a stripper's foot in his mouth. Rodney Lee said she asked him to do that so he did it. It turns out it was in the main room, not in one of the back rooms, so Howard told him he might not want to do that out there. Rodney Lee said that's the only place he could actually see anything.
Howard said KC has to be gay too. Howard said that some Asian chick was really into KC and she was all over him there but KC ended up leaving when Howard told him they should take her and another chick into the back room. KC said he had things to do but Howard knows he didn't. KC said that his apartment was underwater. Gary told him that it wasn't anymore under water at 3 o'clock than it was at noon.
Howard said that there were 3 guys who were definitely not gay. Angry Black, Vinnie Favale and Gary's friend Ross. They all made an impression on Howard.
Howard was in the bathroom at Scores and he said the bathroom attendant is really good. He's got all different types of candy and he has solutions for all kinds of crap. Howard found that he had a lot of glitter all over him and he asked the guy what he should do. The guy pulled out some baby wipes and Howard was able to clean up. Mike Gange told Howard that the guy even has coffee beans to rub on yourself to get the ''Scores smell'' off of you. Howard ended up asking the guy if any of his guests had taken a dump in the bathroom. Last time they were there Benjy did that and stunk up the whole place. The attendant told Howard that Ralph had taken a dump. Howard was a little upset about it because he's told people not to do that kind of crap when they go there.
Stuttering John wanted to know why Benjy was allowed to go after Howard said he couldn't. Howard said he decided that they shouldn't exclude him just because he's a tool. Gary said that Benjy was hovering over him too much while they were there. Gary also explained how weird the chick-picking process is. He said they're all in a big, empty room and Lonnie brings in all of the chicks. Then the guys have to go over and pick women to dance for them. He said it's like a high school dance.
Howard said Attorney Dominic Barbara begged to be invited to Scores but he never showed up. Howard says he's never inviting him to anything ever again. He's too weird that way. Howard said Dominic told him he spoke to Jackie and he wondered if Howard would take him back at the amount he was offered before he left. Howard told Dominic ''No'' and he doesn't even think Dominic talked to Jackie about coming back. Dominic said that Jackie is family but Howard doesn't think that family would walk out on the show. Howard says he told Jackie not to walk because it would give him time to think. Now he's thought about it and he doesn't want the Joke Man to come back. ''The dance is over'' Howard said. Jackie's not coming back.
Ronnie the Limo Driver said that stripper Lanie was dancing for Benjy and she got so wasted that she passed out. Ronnie thinks that the girls are so disgusted by Benjy that they have to drink just to get through it.
Angry Black called in and said he had a lot of fun there. He said at one point he had to open a door to look in his wallet and he saw an ATM card and a pass key laying on the ground. He picked it up and looked at it later and found it was Rodney Lee Conover's. Rodney Lee lost it when he took off his clothes.
Howard told a story about his buddy Richie Notar who had 6 Scores chicks with him at a restaurant. One of the girls knew Miss October from Playboy. They invited her down and Richie hung out with all of them at this restaurant. Howard went down and hung out with Richie for a little while. Howard said Richie thought he'd be able to get Miss October but he doesn't think it actually happened. Richie called in a little later and said all he got were phone numbers from Scores girls.
Howard said Jeff Probst's entrance to the show was goofy also. He said Jeff must be trying to make a career out of this show because he didn't even come on Howard's show this season. He's become too big to do the show.
Howard goofed on Marilyn ''Mad Dog'' because she was blowing the digery doo and she looked like a man from behind.
KC came in and said he didn't like the shot of Colby's ''sack'' that he saw. Howard said no one else saw that shot so he's got to be gay if he's looking for Colby's sack.
Howard also made a good point about this guy Nick. He's apparently a Harvard grad but he used the word ''conversated'' more than once. It's not a word Nick! Howard can't imagine that he's actually a Harvard grad after hearing that.
Howard was also saying that they have to be lying about not being sexually attracted to anyone in the game. Howard said if he gets a little bit of sun on his sack he gets aroused. He said that Amber is almost a model and there's no way no one was attracted to her while they were there.
Howard said he's amazed by Tina's face lift. He also said that she looked better when she was on the show than she did on the live special last night. He said she had way too much makeup on and she just looked horrible.
Howard had some tape to play of Colby trying to talk about why he kept Tina in the game but it made no sense at all. Most of the things everyone said didn't make any sense at all.
Howard said they're thinking of doing a celebrity ''Survivor'' and it would include Frank Stallone, Kate Hudson, Kobe Bryant and possibly William Shatner. Howard said he'd do it if they paid him enough. He said he'd be chasing Kate Hudson around the whole time trying to get laid.
Howard played tape of Richard Hatch, the last winner of ''Survivor'', talking about who he thought would win. He predicted that Colby and Tina would be in the final four if not the winners about a month ago. Howard said he's like the ''Gay Einstein'' because he had Colby, Tina, Keith and either Amber or Elisabeth as the final four. He was right on.
Howard said that Jerri's ''gummy smile'' really turns him off. Once again, he said that she looked better in the game than she did last night. Melrose Larry Green called in and played a short clip of Colby being interviewed on some show last night. Howard said he's really aggravated that Colby didn't play the game to win. If he'd just voted Tina off and kept Keith, he would have won the money. Then Colby goes on these shows and talks about how he can sleep at night knowing that Tina won. Howard sounded like he was really pissed that the guy didn't vote the other way. Howard thinks that Colby didn't realize that he'd lost at first. When he yelled out when it was announced that Tina won, he screamed ''YEAH!'' Howard thinks that the guy is just a ''total loser''. Howard talked about how weird his relationship with his mother is and how Colby got suckered by Tina who was a mother-like figure to him on the show.
Howard said Elisabeth was really cute on the show last night. He liked the shoes and her hair... He said ''Anal.. She'd just suffer...'' He told Robin that it's a guy thing liking the hair and shoes.
Howard was worried that it might be against the law to do that but Dominic called in and said it's not illegal to do that. A short time later photographer Dan called in and said that he's spoken to this woman Gretchen at the NY Post about getting pictures of Howard and all they ever want are bad ones. Dan said that he'll go after this woman himself and he'll take the pictures for free. Stuttering John said Dan is the right guy for the job because he's scum. I don't think Howard knows that it's Dan Wagner who wrote the book ''Getting To Howard''. Howard later said he thought about it and he can't sick a paparazzi on this woman because he'd look like a dick. He shouldn't even care that they put awful pictures in the paper.
Mike was on the phone and he was talking about the host of ''Weakest Link''. He said something that wasn't all that funny but Jesus broke out in laughter like he'd just heard the funniest thing ever. It was very strange. Howard finally moved on to the game. Here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker, author of ''Malicious Intent'', calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. You can win money there also. Here are this week's stories:
Howard tried to talk to Jesus for a few more minutes about the show he's featured on but he kept saying the f-word. KC told Howard that Jesus is going to try to run for Mayor of Washington D.C. That was another reason he came in today. Jesus said that he has smoked crack before so he's qualified.
Because the guy kept cursing over and over again Howard had to bring the whole thing to an end earlier than he'd planned. He said he likes this guy but he just kept cursing every other word so he had to get him out of the studio.