Howard soon moved on to talk about his extra long vacation. He told us that he was working on his new TV show ''Son of the Beach'' for the first week. He said that wasn't originally scheduled but he added it on to the other two weeks. He said the show is really dumb, but funny. He was amazed that he pulled it all off. He said they're shooting it on the same beach where ''Baywatch'' used to be shot.
After talking about the TV show Howard spoke about a couple of articles that were written about him during vacation. One of the articles said that Howard was seen at a restaurant with his wife and another couple on Christmas Eve. It also said that the mood was subdued. Well, according to Howard he wasn't there with his wife, he was there with his sister and his parents. Howard said he now believes that newspapers just lie about half the stuff they put in them. There was another article that said Howard was seen out at the Hammerstein Ballroom with his daughters to see Fat Boy Slim. It said that Howard blew off his kids, sent them home and hooked up with a couple of women. Howard had to explain that one also. He basically said that he took his daughter Emily and her friend out to see Fat Boy Slim after blowing off the play ''Swing'' because it wasn't their thing. At one point Emily told Howard that she had to be somewhere so Howard had her take his limo. He told her to have the car come back and he'd take it home from there. Meanwhile, a couple of women from Howard's radio station who had told him about the Fat Boy Slim show came up to him and asked if he could give them a ride about 5 blocks away. Howard took them to their destination and went right home. The next thing he knows there's an article saying how he blew off his daughters and went out with some hot chicks.
After that story Howard told Robin about his 4 day trip to Paradise Island in the Bahamas. Howard went down there with his buddies Ralph, Pat and Richie. He said he was ready to go home after an hour but when the guy who runs the place, Jerry, found Howard he hooked him up with something called the Ocean Club and Howard was happy. Later this guy Jerry hooked Howard up with some rich guy who had a 109 foot yacht. Howard and his buddies all went out on the yacht and had some fun. Howard even got on a jet ski. He's not one who usually does stuff like that so he just puttered around on the thing. He was having so much fun that he had to rub it in someone's face. He decided to call Gary who was home recovering from the flu. Howard got a hold of him and thought that Gary would be really bummed about it but Gary just gave Howard a ''Oh, okay'' answer.
Howard then moved on to talk about this strange porno movie he watched recently called ''Bare Balloon Babes 10''. He told Robin that it's not hard core and he didn't even get aroused during it but it was fascinating. He said the women blow up balloons in different outfits and stuff and eventually get naked and pop the balloons. Robin asked what ever happened to the Porno of the Month Club. Howard said he doesn't stick with ideas for more than one time but this movie may be the next one. He thinks that maybe they should talk to the producers of the movie.
Howard also quickly brought up the fact that he had a dream about his wife. He didn't give many details but Robin seems to think that he's regretting his separation. Howard told Robin he didn't say anything about regret and that's not what it is. Robin suggested that he talk about that with his therapist but Howard said he probably won't remember to do that. Robin suggested that he write down a note to himself but he said his therapist likes him to do his session without notes.
Howard then had the next contestant, 24 year old Alex, tell her story. Alex rattled off how her step-father's friend molested her in a pool when she was 6, she was in two abusive relationships and how she just got a divorce and had to spend all of her savings on legal fees for the divorce. She's also got a 1 year old child and a lot of debt.
It didn't take Howard long to make his decision. He picked Alex without question. Everyone else agreed so she was the winner. Linda tried to tell more of her sob story but Howard wouldn't allow it because she had her chance and blew it. Dr. Calabro called in and Howard let him know how Alex looked. He had her take off her top and said she needs some implants but she's already attractive. He also said she needs a little liposuction on her ass, although it's shaped nicely. Linda won a $100 gift certificate to Flooz.com.
|Question||Caller Says||Fred's Answer||Correct?|
|Have you ever had anal sex with a woman?||N||Yes||N|
|Have you ever had sex in a car?||Y||Yes||Y|
|Have you ever pleasured yourself to anyone on the show's wife?||N||No||Y|
|Have you ever had the urge to sleep with Robin?||Y||Yes||Y|
|Question||Caller Says||Fred's Answer||Correct?|
|Have you ever been in a threesome?||N||No||Y|
|Did you ever get oral sex while driving?||Y||No||N|
|Are you funnier than Jackie?||Y||No comment||Given to caller|
|Have you ever pleasured yourself in the shower?||Y||No||N|
|Have you ever made love on the beach?||Y||Yep||Y|
|Have you ever done 69 in a car?||Yes|
|Have you ever shaved a girl?||No|
|Do you wear pajamas to bed?||No|
|Do you pleasure yourself more than 2 times a week?||Of course|
Up next was Robert Stack. Here's what Gary asked:
Next up was John Schneider who was on the Dukes of Hazard TV show. He claimed to be a very nice guy but he's not a fan of Howard's. Here are the questions:
Howard started to play the final interview with Tim Conway but Conway's answers were all dopey and Howard didn't want to hear it. He just stopped playing it and moved on to the next segment.
Andy then brought up seeing Howard's ass on MTV when they re-ran his Fartman appearance from 1992. Howard told Andy that his ass has gotten much better since then because he works out now. Andy found that hard to believe.
Howard moved on to find out if Andy has remained sober lately. Andy claims that he's been drug and alcohol free for 7 months but that's with the help of the government. He has to be drug tested while he's on probation so that's the main reason he stays sober. He said he really misses smoking pot though.
The last time Andy was on he brought in his 19 year old girlfriend Lisa who was really hot. Howard asked if he was still with her. Andy said she was standing right there so he got her on the phone. Howard spent a few minutes talking to her about being with Andy. Howard heard that the two of them had stopped having intercourse and had just been doing oral. Andy explained that they were having sex so much that Lisa got sore and had to put it off for about a week or so. Lisa claims that they have sex on an average of 3 times a day! Howard says that's why he doesn't work now.
Eventually Andy got around to the reason for calling in. He was plugging these V-Greetings he has going on. You go to either LoadTV.com or VGreetings.com and you can send video greeting cards on the web for free. He also told Howard that he had dinner with Melrose Larry and Ratso Sloman recently. Howard asked Andy if they were still alive after the dinner. Andy didn't understand why he asked that and Howard explained that it seems like everyone who comes close to him eventually dies like Phil Hartman, Chris Farley and David Strickland. Low blow.. yet funny as hell.
Andy told Howard that he has a new song that he wrote about Chris Kattan on Saturday Night Live. Andy's pissed about how he gets goofed on by Kattan on SNL and wrote the song. He performed it on the phone but Howard had to hit the delay every few seconds so half the song was missed. Andy said the song is available unedited at AndyDick.com. Before Andy got off the phone he added that the person who sends the most VGreetings can win $5000.
About a half hour later Gary returned from his trip. He didn't have any pictures or tape of Eleanor. He said the address she gave was bogus so he called her on his cellular phone. She admitted that she gave the wrong address because she didn't want to get goofed on. Gary said ''You must weigh 200 pounds'' and got no response for a few seconds. She then said something about ''who among us is perfect''. Gary told her she should have just said no to him instead of having him go on a wild goose chase. Needless to say, she won't be showing her face on the show.
Anne told Howard that when Natalie Imbruglia made the song big it was surreal and depressing to hear someone else singing her song but she got over it and made a lot of money from it. She built her own studio and now she's got a new band by the name of ''Annetenna'' which will have a new album out in the summer sometime. Ednaswap put out 2 albums, Wacko Magneto and Wonderland Park, and Anne said each time there would be major shakeups at the record companies after putting them out. She thought the band was cursed. She told Howard that after the band broke up in March she got a letter from this guy Walter Swap. Walter told Anne that his mother, Edna Swap, had just died. It turns out she died 4 days after the band broke up. She said that Walter couldn't have known that when he wrote the letter so she thought that was really weird.
Howard finally got around to having Anne and Scott perform ''Torn'' live in the studio and it sounded much better than the album version. A bunch of fans called in to tell Anne how great it sounded. Annetenna will be performing live at Dragonfly in Los Angeles on January 18 so if you're in the area check them out.
Finally Howard had Lee come in to talk to her. He said that she's really cute and adorable but she's pretty scary mentally. She has proof that she was in a mental institution and she wore it on her wrist this morning. She has the admission band from the Alta Bates hospital in California. She said she was diagnosed as being manic depressive, bipolar and schizo-effective. Of course she doesn't think that she's schizo so she refused to take medication that doctors prescribed for her. She eventually demanded to be put on Prozac and that's what the doctor did. She said that she's now on Prozac and cannabis. That keeps her ''stable'' in her mind.
Lee told Howard a story about how her dog died back in 1998 and she went into a deep depression for 3 weeks. But after the depression she got really happy, I guess this is where the ''bipolar'' comes in, and she claims to have stayed awake for 30 days straight. You'd think that was the end of the story but she continued. She said that she was doing things at all hours of the day and at one point she'd forgotten a book at school. She rollerbladed down to the school carrying steak knives to protect herself from rape. She got into the room where she thought she'd left her book and it wasn't there. She then went to another part of the building that was locked. There was a maintenance guy there and she asked him if she could get in... all the while holding steak knives like ski poles in her hands. The maintenance guy got scared so she threw down the knives. He ended up calling the cops anyway though. That was just one of her many stories... She was non-stop.
One of the most surprising parts of her discussion was that she was an actress and did a couple of movies that you can probably rent at your local Blockbuster. She was in the children's movie ''Magic Island'' with Zachery Ty Bryan and French Stewart and she played the lead female role. She also played the lead female role in ''Leprechaun 3''! Gary wasn't sure if she was telling the truth because she tends to make stuff up but Mike Gange checked into it and found her name in the credits of the Leprechaun movie. A little while later he came in and said that there's a Lee Armstrong fan page on the web. Howard checked it out and there was Lee's picture plastered all over the site. She said that she made about $15,000 on each movie so it wasn't that much. She said the big money came from an Ocean Spray commercial where she grossed about $100,000.
Howard took some phone calls and one of the guys who called claimed to be some kind of psycho therapist and he said that being schizo-effective is worse than being just a schizo. He said that she should really be on some special medication but she disagreed with him. She said that she needs the prozac to keep her from getting depressed. Meanwhile Howard was agreeing with everything she said just in case she decides to go postal some day.
We also learned that Lee is 30 years old but Howard said she looks much younger than that. She also has a ''quasi-husband'' according to Gary. It turns out the two of them have lived together for 8 years and own a house together. She said that her quasi-husband works as a production manager for Trent Reznor right now and he's going to Japan. She's staying with her ex-boyfriend in New York while she's doing her internship.
After learning all of this stuff Howard said that Lee is better than when he first met Stuttering John, Gay Rich, Benjy or any of those guys. She's fascinating! She claimed to have a gun in her purse at one point and freaked Howard out when she went for it. She then pulled out all of the crap she had in there including Visine, med bottles, tissues, toothpaste for sensitive teeth, Gold Bond for a rash she gets from jewelry, imodium, rolling papers for her pot, vitamin C drops, Sweet & Low and dental floss. She comes prepared. Howard spent a good hour or so talking to Lee but finally had to bring things to an end. We'll probably hear more from her in the future.
Howard told Jill that she had nice breasts but also said she was kind of kooky looking. She went on to explain how she tried to adopt this cat from the Humane Society and she was rejected. She said she visited the cat every day for a week and was ready to adopt it. Then she was rejected because the Humane Society told her that because she owns a declawed cat, she was unsuitable to adopt another. She explained to them that she adopted that cat already declawed so that shouldn't be held against her. They still wouldn't let her adopt. Howard figures there's got to be something deeper than that.
Benjy came in and dug up some more stuff. It turns out that Jill had a stalker who ''used high tech frequencies'' to shock her and she had to be operated on because of it. Then she went on to say that she had Mexicans living in her walls. She explained that she once threw up in her sink and heard someone say ''Damn it, you threw up on my head!'' So the adoption rejection doesn't seem so strange now.
Howard also had Mike Walker waiting on the phone to play his gossip game. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
AFter the game Jill told Howard that in the earthquake she was actually electrocuted and can light up a Christmas tree herself. She also wanted Howard to get the Humane Society on the phone to find out why they wouldn't let her adopt the cat.. who was put to sleep three weeks after she was rejected. Howard later said that the Humane Society refused to come on the air to comment.
The guys went on to perform ''What's My Age Again'' live. Howard also played their new single ''Adam's Song'' which, according to the band, is a ''serious, downer'' song. Both songs are on Blink 182's album ''Enema Of The State''.
Tim is appearing in both ''Galaxy Quest'' and ''Toy Story 2''. He said that ''Galaxy Quest'' has been advertised like it's for kids but it's actually geared toward adults. He said that kids will also enjoy it though.