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First up on Impressions Week was a segment from 2001 when Rich Little visited. Here's my rundown from that day:
Rich Little Comes In. 6/15/01. 7:55am
Voice impressionist Rich Little came in this morning to promote a show he's doing called ''The Presidents'' at Montclair University from June 14-24. Howard and Robin talked about how great Rich was when he would appear on The Tonight Show years ago. Rich then came in and spoke to Howard about his life. He said he's been married 2 times and he's done with that whole thing. He and his first wife split after 18 years of marriage and then he got married to another woman and only stayed married for a year and a half. They were actually working together doing impressions but it didn't work out. He said she just picked up her stuff and walked out after doing a show in Missouri. He said he should have known something was up when she said she wanted to be a gospel singer. He said he only spent about $2-3 million on that divorce. He said he got off easy.
Howard also brought up the whole Johnny Carson thing and how they just blew him off after he'd done so much for them. Rich said that he hosted the show 8-10 times for Johnny and they eventually just stopped calling him one day. He still doesn't know why. He said he spoke to the producer of the show and he told Rich that they just weren't booking voice impressionists anymore because that was getting old. Rich said a week after that Dana Carvey would be on the show doing his George Bush impression so it was obviously something else. Rich said Johnny never thanked him or even acknowledged what he did on the show anyway.
Rich said he saw Johnny recently and he's not looking all that good. He said he's completely bald but he does look like he's staying in shape. He can't imagine why he hasn't done anything since leaving the Tonight Show though. Howard thinks it's because he's so vain and he just doesn't want anyone to see him looking the way he does.
Rich told Howard about this show he's doing, ''The Presidents''. He said he does impressions of all of the presidents since JFK right up to George W. Bush in the two hour show. It's supposed to be a serious look at the presidencies but there is a lot of comedy in it. Rich did a few of his presidential impressions for Howard. He also did an awful Arnold Schwarzenegger. He and Howard did a couple seconds worth of Bob Hope too. Surprisingly the two of them do Bob almost exactly the same. Rich said that Hope isn't in that great of shape. He's in his 90's so it's not surprising.
Howard wrapped everything up and told Rich that he should do some phony phone calls with his impressions. He said it would be funny if he could start a nuclear war by calling someone as George W. Bush or something like that. You can get ticket info for ''The Presidents'' by calling (973) 655-5112.
Jim Breuer Comes In. 05/04/05. 9:15am
Jim and Artie did their AC/DC impressions for Howard after that. Both of them have a ton of energy. Jim would do a little bit and then Artie would come in and do his ''FI-AHHHHHH.'' Fred played some AC/DC and Jim's impression was so good that you couldn't tell when he was singing or when it was AC/DC. Howard was directing Artie and Jim to sing along with the song and it was pretty friggin intense. Artie said that Jim does a bunch of bands. Jim did some James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich from Metallica a little bit. Howard had Artie doing some Bruce Springsteen impressions after that. Jim also does an Ozzy impression but he ended up talking about how he didn't want Ozzy to do that MTV show because they made a fool out of him. Jim did a little Judas Priest impression after that.
Double A called in and told Jim that he's one of the funniest guests he's heard on the show in a while. He asked him to do some Joe Pesci impressions after that. Jim went right into the character a short time later but said he really can't do that one anymore. Artie said that he had to do a Joe Pesci impression on MAD TV and he wasn't able to do it that well. He said the best way to do it is to let yourself get out of breath. He demonstrated it and did some lines from ''Goodfellas.'' That led to Jim and Artie doing some lines from the movie together.
Artie asked Jim if he wants to fill in for him for a few weeks this summer. Jim told him he'd better watch out. Artie told Howard that he could find someone to replace him in a second. He really believes that they could replace him no problem. Howard said they're going to have fun with Jim when they move over to SIRIUS. Jim said he'll come over and hang out when they're over there. Howard had to go to break before getting to Robin's news.
The Gossip Game With Guest David E. Letterman. 7/27/01. 7:35am
A David Letterman impersonator came in this morning to play the Mike Walker gossip game. This ''David Letterman'', now known as David E. Letterman, makes all kinds of racial jokes that the real one would never make. The impression is amazing though and there's sure to be some controversy about the comments he made this morning.
''Dave'' called Jay Leno a ''Big chinned prick'', a ''Herman Munster-faced'' guy and his band leader Paul Shaffer his ''organ grinder monkey.'' ''Dave'' also joked that he'd like to get a piece of that ''big freakin' Rican's ass'' when he was talking about Jennifer Lopez. Howard had some fun with ''Dave'' for a few minutes and then got Mike Walker on the phone to play his weekly game. Mike spent a little while talking about the Chandra Levy story they (National Enquirer) just broke about Gary Condit's wife allegedly ''attacking'' Chandra. Mike talked about how strange this whole story is. Everything they spoke about was just conjecture of course. Howard says he still thinks Dan Rather had something to do with Chandra's disappearance because he refuses to talk about the situation in his newscast. He's joking of course.
Howard eventually moved on to the game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker, author of ''Malicious Intent'', calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
David E. Letterman was pretty much done for the morning after the game so Howard wrapped it up with him after he made some ''freakin' Rican'' joke about a Madonna concert. No one knew what he was talking about but the ''freakin' Rican'' comment was funny.
Al Pacino's Baby Calls In. 2/14/01. 9:35am
Someone claiming to be Al Pacino's baby called in this morning. The baby sounded exactly like Al Pacino. Howard said that he sounded just like dad and the baby said ''I get that a lot.'' Baby Pacino said that even though he's only a few weeks old he really enjoys 2 things. The first is making pee, taking a squirt, urinating. The baby went on to say that he enjoys pissing on his father and mother. (There were a bunch of bleeps included in the bit so it must have been prerecorded.) Baby Pacino went on to say that the second thing he enjoys is pooping. He likes to poop, pinch a loaf... He likes to rub it on his face and in his hair. He loves the smell of his own poop.
Baby Pacino also said that he gets laid even though he's only a few weeks old. Howard questioned that and the baby pointed out that Robin was very young when she got jacked for the first time. Baby Pacino went on to say that when he was born he fell in love with his mother's cans. He finished up wishing Jackie a happy birthday. He also said he was watching what he thought was QVC on TV last night. It turned out to be Jackie selling his CD on Hollywood Squares.
Of course Al Pacino's baby was actually played by comedian Craig Gass. Craig will be appearing at The Comic Strip today and at The Maxx in New Milford, Connecticut on Saturday February 17th.
Robin read a story about Raymond Burr dying and how his estate went to the guy who he lived with for years. Now Burr's niece is upset about that. That led to Billy West doing his Raymond Burr impression and Howard doing his gay partner impression. Fred and Billy were both doing the Raymond Burr impressions and throwing out funny lines that he could have said. They went back and forth with that for a couple of minutes.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was reading in a gay paper called the Center Line that gay people can marry in Hawaii but the marriage isn't recognized in the other states once they leave there.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read through some more stories and had one about The Beatles and mentioned Ed Sullivan. They eventually got back to the Raymond Burr impressions and others. They goofed around with those for a few more minutes. Robin went through some more news and Billy kept doing his Burr impression through every story. Fred got in on it too.
Robin's Latest Date With Jim Florentine Discussed. 11/12/07. 6:10am
Howard asked Robin about her date with Jim Florentine where they went to a Van Halen concert last week. Howard had a guy on the phone who said that he was there and saw them there. He said that the concert was great too. He said he saw Jim with his hand on Robin's back and saw the two of them dancing around. Robin said she didn't think that that was going on.
Howard had Fred doing his Jim Florentine impression and talking about how he was knuckle deep by a certain song in the concert. He said he'd lost his watch in there so Howard pretended to pull it out while they were talking about it. Fred played some audio clips that made it sound like Howard was trying to pull something out of a tight spot. Howard said that Dr. Roni was also inside Robin so he pulled her out too.
The caller said that Jim's hands were nowhere to be seen when he was with Robin. Howard said that Jim was talking about the date on Miserable Men last night. Artie said that Jim wasn't kissing and telling at the show they did on Saturday night.
Howard played some of the audio of Jim talking to Shuli and Bob Levy about the date. Jim said he asked Robin to go to the concert with him and she agreed to go. Jim said he got the tickets himself. Howard asked Robin how the seats were. She said they were great seats and they were in row E. Howard figured that Robin was used to really great seats and didn't think they could have been that close. He said that Jim must have had to do a lot of gigs to afford the seats he got for them.
Howard played another clip of Bob and Shuli asking Jim about the date and if Jim got a kiss or anything like that. Bob asked if they held hands when walking down the ramp. Jim said that they may have and Shuli went a little crazy when he heard that. Robin said they sounded like 12 year olds acting the way they were.
Jim talked about going out to eat with Robin before dinner and a fan offered to pay for dinner. Shuli said he liked the hand holding thing. Jim said that you can't let a woman walk through that crowd because there are thousands of Brian Phelan types there.
Howard said that it's a big deal that Jim took her hand in public like that. He said you don't grab a girl's hand unless it's serious. He said that it was a good excuse saying that it was to get her through the crowd. Howard said that he thinks that Jim and Robin have fucked at this point.
Howard said that Bob Levy got into a discussion about masturbating to Robin's image. He played the audio where Bob talks about how he'd just done it two nights ago and dropped the load on the floor. Bob says that his fantasy is to go into Robin's booth and he gets locked in there and can't get out. She reads her news and then he jerks off while she does that. Then Howard asks him ''Anything else Bob?''
Howard said that this dating thing with Florentine has gone on for quite a while now. Robin said that they've had three dates. Howard wondered what Jim is going to have to do to keep this going.
Robin said that David Lee Roth sounded really good doing his thing at the concert. She said that Eddie is still doing his thing too and sounding great. She said that his son plays well too and they all seem to be having a good time up on stage when they're performing. She said that Alex Van Halen really works his ass off too. She said she was fine without Michael Anthony being there. She said it was fun watching Eddie playing with his son.
Robin said that Jim grabbed her hand when a bunch of people recognized her all of a sudden there at the concert. That led to Fred singing ''I Will Always Love You'' as Jim Florentine. He said he's like the retarded Kevin Costner from ''The Bodyguard.''
Howard said it looked like Robin was wearing a whole new outfit this morning. Robin said that she's just reclaiming her old clothes from her closet. Robin said she's just wearing jeans and a little top.
Howard asked her if that was the first time that Jim had taken her hand in public. She said it probably was. She said she wasn't all that shocked when he did it. She said that Jim did start to get into it with a woman they saw selling t-shirts. She said the woman was really big and he was giving her a hard time about the shirt saying that it wasn't all that nice and he didn't like it. Artie said that Jim fucks with people in an extreme way and she's going to see a lot of that. Robin said she was ready to run off while that was going on because she didn't want him pissing the woman off.
Howard said that Jim taking Robin's hand is a big deal and a step in the relationship. Robin wasn't making a big deal out of it. She said she doesn't have deep feelings for him and they're just friends. Howard said that taking her to the concert and holding her hand might mean that he's expecting to get laid. Robin said she didn't think that was the case at all. She said she didn't kiss Jim at the concert or anything like that. Howard was throwing questions out about the relationship and she wasn't making a big deal out of any of it.
Howard found out that Jim had picked Robin up at her house and wondered if he was in the house. Robin said that he did come in for a second. He was just waiting for her to get her keys and stuff. Fred went into his Jim impression and said that he was in her house for a second, in her bedroom for a second and in her vagina for a second. They had some fun goofing on Robin taking coffee enemas and how her house probably smelled like coffee when Jim was there.
King of All Blacks called in and asked Robin some questions about her being upset if she saw Jim with another woman. Robin said she'd be surprised and she might be upset if he was with another woman. He thinks that she's in love with Jim if that's the case. Robin said she's not saying she definitely would be, she'd just be surprised. She said she was actually trying to say that she'd be surprised at her feelings if she was upset with Jim dating another woman. Artie said that means that he's fucked because she doesn't care that much about him.
King asked Robin about the ride to the concert and if there's awkward silences and stuff. Robin said that they have no problem talking on the ride there and at any time. Howard eventually thanked King for the call and let him go. He had other calls to take after that.
One caller said that Robin was sitting about 15 rows back on the side of the stage. Robin said that Jim asked her where she wanted to sit and that's where she picked. She said that she wanted to be able to sit down and watch instead of standing up and watching. The caller asked what kind of car Jim drives. She said that it was an old car with different colored doors but then said that it was actually a Honda. She had no problem riding in that car though.
Howard asked Robin if she kissed Jim goodnight. She said she did give him a little peck on the cheek but that was it. Howard didn't believe it. She eventually broke down and said it was a peck on the lips. Howard said he bets that Jim touched her tits. Robin said he may have brushed his arm on them but that's it. Howard asked how they're going to make that move to the sexual aspect of the relationship. Robin said that they don't even see each other a lot.
Howard said that there's something going on there and he's not sure what it is. Artie ended up talking about how Jim used to be known as Jammin' Jim back when he was first starting out. Howard said that Jim was actually on the show as Jammin Jim many years ago. Artie said that there are some comedy clubs where they still have his old pictures hanging up. He had long hair back then and he was ''jammin.''
In the clip Howard was talking about the storms they had in the area and how Jackie's basement got flooded. Howard ended up doing his impression of Jackie talking about the value of all of the junk in his basement that ended up getting ruined. Robin got in on the goofing and did her impression of Jackie telling her about the flooding. She was making fun of the basement saying it looked like the Mississippi delta down there. Howard said Fred is upset. Fred said the Louvre of humor is gone. Howard said Fred's humor is the last thing you want in a tragedy. Howard said they have to take a break. Jackie said if Robin ever gets raped he's going to get to work a half hour early to write jokes.
Richard Belzer Roasted By Howard. 6/5/01. 8:55am
Actor/comedian Richard Belzer came in to talk about the Friars Club Roast he'll be the subject of. He ended up getting roasted by Howard and Craig Gass' many celebrity impressions. Belzer is getting a real roast this coming Saturday at Town Hall in Manhattan but Howard ended up busting his balls about how bad it's really going to be. Before they got to that part though, Howard talked to Belzer about his acting part as Detective Munch on both ''Homicide, Life on the Street'' and now ''Law and Order: Special Victims Unit''. Howard kept calling him ''Captain Munch'' even though his character is Detective Munch. He was getting confused between Cap'n Crunch and Detective Munch for some reason.
Howard started telling Belzer how he was invited to this Friars Club Roast where he'll be roasted. He said he'd like to go to one but he won't be going to this one for some reason. He then started telling Belzer some of the stuff the comedians will be goofing on. He brought up Belzer's bad skin condition and the fact that he has only one ball. Then he started doing jokes about Belzer's wife and how she was in a soft core porn movie. This led to every joke being about Belzer's wife. Craig Gass joined in with his ''Christopher Walken'' and ''Gene Simmons'' impressions doing jokes about Belzer and his wife. Belzer said he didn't think that the roast was going to be all that bad but Howard was just giving him a PG rated version. He said he had a lot of ball jokes that he couldn't even mention on the air and that's where everyone will be heading in the roast.
Belzer kept trying to announce some of the names of the people who would be roasting him on Saturday but Howard kept interrupting with more and more jokes.
TDiHH: Goofing On Jackie's Music - 1993. 09/29/11. 10:05am
Next on This Date in Howard History they played a segment from 1993 where Howard goofed on Jackie's music. In the clip Howard was giving Jackie his plugs for the day and ended up goofing on him about the appearances he was going to be making. Howard asked Jackie what he was going to be doing and Jackie told him. Jackie was going to be doing a beer tasting thing.
Howard said Jackie wrote a song about beer because he loves it so much. Howard played the song which was Jackie singing ''Cold Gold.'' Jackie said Howard would be singing it after he hears it. Howard played bits and pieces of the song and he'd pause it to goof on the lyrics and make fun of Jackie.
Howard had to ask Robin to help him figure out what he was saying. Robin helped interpret what he was singing about. Howard and Fred were goofing on the way Jackie would scream in his song. Howard said he thought the song was over but it just kept going. Jackie said he has to admit that it's fun. They spent a few more minutes goofing around with it until they had to break.
Artie's Emotional Friend Impression. 10/01/07. 6:15am
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy was talking about some of the great stuff that went on last week on the show. He asked what they had coming up this week. Howard mentioned the Dr. Keith Ablow thing they're doing with Sal and Christine today. Gary said that Dr. Keith was asking if Christine's emotional friend was going to be coming in today. That's not supposed to happen but it would make for an interesting show. The guys asked Howard who he'd rather have on the show today, the emotional friend of some huge celebrities. Howard said that he might have to go with the Emotional Friend no matter what.
Howard asked if the emotional friend was going to show up and Artie started to do his impression that he was doing last week. He does the emotional friend voice as Henry Hill. He cracks jokes and does his Henry Hill laugh after telling the jokes. Howard had him going for a couple of minutes and Artie had Howard cracking up at the stuff he was saying.
Artie was goofing on some of the stuff that Sal does while his wife stays home and talks to her emotional friend as he was doing this impression. Howard kept him going and figured he had to stop at some point. He was laughing quite a bit during that segment. Howard said that Sal is in his office pasting ''Mets Suck'' signs in Gary's office while that is going on.
The caller that was on the line started to sing the song about Beth that the guy sent in for Howard last week. Howard said he got a lot of feedback about that and people thought he was singing it on his own, they didn't know that it was a song that someone sent in for him to sing. He said they just missed the whole joke.
In the clip Robin was reading some news updates about the OJ Simpson case. Howard asked Robin what she thinks the outcome will be. Robin said she thinks it'll be a hung jury. Neil Drake was sitting in and Howard had him put on the OJ Mask during the news.
Robin read some more news about Christie Todd Whitman and the rest stop she was going to name after Howard Stern. They spent a little time talking about that. Howard said she really got her balls busted about that rest stop thing. She had to explain that she made a campaign promise and she kept her promise. Howard said she has done such a good job for Jersey and they're just looking for something to bust her balls over. OJ Mask chimed in during that discussion. Neil was kind of hard to understand with the mask on. Howard had to have him repeat a couple of things.
Howard said he had to fart so he ripped one into the microphone. Howard said he didn't mean it to be that disgusting but they are men and it's a manly day. Howard told Robin to just admit that she'd like to be a man for the day. Howard said he thinks he just splashed on to the OJ Mask.
OJ Mask was making comments about the OJ case and joking about all of that. Fred had clips of Jackie laughing at the jokes.
Robin read some more news and tried to get through it but OJ Mask was commenting on the stories and talking about the Super Bowl weekend that was coming up. Fred kept playing clips of Jackie laughing at his jokes.
Robin read about how MTV has two new episodes of Beavis and Butt-Head coming up against the Super Bowl. Howard said he'd be watching that.
Robin told Howard that's all she had for the day. Howard and OJ Mask spent a little more time talking. Howard said he's kind of enjoying this. Howard said he really does have to get out of there. Robin had to leave and Jackie had a gig to do. Howard read his plugs and OJ Mask was goofing on Jackie the whole time. He had Howard cracking up.
Gilbert Sits In On Robin's News. 10/04/2000. 9:20am
After the break Howard came back and talked to Gilbert about how nice it was that he showed up on time and then behaved himself during the Magic interview. He and Gilbert spent a couple of minutes talking about that interview. Howard said that Magic offered him his floor seats if he wants to use them out in L.A.
Howard said that Gilbert was pretty much invisible while he was sitting there and Magic didn't offer him anything and didn't even talk to him after the interview.
Gary came in and told Howard about some ratings info they got about the stuff that aired the night before. Howard wanted to know what kind of ratings the Bachelor show got. Gary said they didn't do all that well. Howard said he couldn't take his eyes off it, he was hooked.
Howard asked Gilbert to stick around during the news. He had Robin get into that a short time later. She read through some stories while Gilbert and Howard goofed on them. Gilbert was doing voices and singing his Hebrew songs throughout the news. He was doing his Dracula Gottfried impression and others. He did his Jackie impression and told some racist jokes like Jackie would tell. Gilbert did some Michael Caine and others before Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show.
In the clip Howard had Bob Hope on the phone and Pat Cooper in the studio. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Bob and asked him about his career and things like that. Then he did his impression of Bob for Bob. He did that for a minute and then got back to Bob asking him what his day is like. Bob told him about what he has for breakfast and about the help he has at his house. He said he has an upstairs maid that his wife doesn't know about.
Howard asked if he picks out his own clothes. Bob said he sure does. Howard asked Bob about some other things that he's done. Then Howard said he wanted to give Bob some plugs. He and Robin were talking about what to call him and if they should call him Bob or Mr. Hope.
Howard said Bob Hope is doing a rare appearance and it's a rare opportunity to see the man. Howard said he doesn't want to say he saw him at Madison Square Garden because you might not be able to see him up close. Howard said he's doing an appearance in a smaller place where people can get up close. Howard said he will be there with Ann Gillian too.
Howard said Bob met him once at NBC. Howard said he was fired from there but he was walking into the elevator with Robin and he got pushed aside. Howard said Bob was in the middle of 5 guys like the president or something. Howard said Bob got into the elevator and they wanted to kick him out. Howard said he is a real mess so he can understand that. Bob said he doesn't think so. Howard said he respects him coming on his show. Howard asked what he thinks about guys like Dice Clay. Bob didn't hear the question.
Howard said he thinks Bob likes him. He said he thinks Bob enjoyed it too. Bob said he did. Bob told Howard to make sure he comes out and sees him. Howard gave him some plugs for his appearance and told everyone to go out and see him. Howard let him go a short time later.
Eric The Midget Calls In. 08/09/05. 7:50am
Eric the Midget called in so Howard spent some time with him. Eric didn't say much when Howard put him on the air so he started to goof on him immediately. Robin wondered why he couldn't give them a ''Hello Howard...'' in that voice of his. Howard and Artie were doing their impressions of Eric and eventually let him speak. Eric wondered if Howard got the message he left for him over the weekend. Howard said he doesn't think he heard it but there are other great messages that he left. He said he loves the one where Eric talks about the shows he will and won't appear on. Howard jokingly told him they heard from ''Will and Grace'' and they want to hire him. Eric said he's still not interested in working for that show. Eric went on to say that this Monday's show was better than the previous Monday's show. Howard ended up goofing on him even more after hearing that. Fred even got into it and started doing an impression of him. Howard asked him what he was saying about the show but he couldn't get a word in because Artie and Fred were still doing their impressions. Eric said he got some compliments on the way he handled himself on the show the last time he was on. He didn't get to talk much before Howard started playing his song parody ''Shut the F**k Up.'' Howard said he loves that song and then played the gay bondage audio clip they created using his audio clips and a gay porn clip. Eric then asked Howard if he has any respect for him at all. Howard said of course he does and he wouldn't let him on the show if he didn't. Eric didn't want him to play that last audio clip but Howard didn't listen to him and played it anyway. Howard told him he had to get going so he could get to his next guest but Eric had more to say. Eric said that he was going to an American Idol concert and wondered if Howard could get him back stage because they apparently know the owner. Howard told Eric that he's 3 feet tall and in a wheel chair so they'll let him go just about anywhere he wants. Eric hasn't been able to get back stage at other Kelly Clarkson concerts but he hasn't really tried either. Howard put the word out that Eric wants to get back stage at this place and hopes that the Malouf brothers are listening since it's their venue that Eric is going to. Howard said he hopes that if Eric does go to the event that they don't accidentally pack him up with the equipment. Eric said that the concert is on Sunday the 21st and that's when he wants to get back stage. Howard let him go a short time later. He said that Eric is a good guy.
Banging Chicks, Phony Phone Calls And Other Stuff. 11/6/02. 7:15am
Howard said he got some phony phone calls from this guy Kidd Chris (KiddShow.com) but the calls have been played on a lot of other radio shows already. The guy calls OJ Simpson and goofs on him. In one call he claims to be AC Cowling and asks OJ if he wants to go out and kill some people. He then calls as Al Michaels and asks OJ to help him kill his wife. The guy ends up calling OJ a bunch of other times as different people asking OJ to go kill somebody. Howard and the guys loved the calls. Howard said the guy also made a call to George Takei from ''Star Trek'' as Ricardo Montalban. Takei believes it's actually him and talks to him for a short time. Takei talks about his dog and what he was doing that day. ''Ricardo'' asked Takei if he'd ever seen a midget naked and that's when he realized he wasn't the real Ricardo Montalban.
More John The Stutterer And Other Stuff. 04/19/04. 7:45am
Howard had John the Stutterer come in to say hello to everyone. He asked him how he was doing and Fred started in with his stutter impression and goofed on him a little bit. Howard said John is on a lot of medication and none of them seem to be working for him. He's got a lot of anxiety and he's not sure he's going to last the whole week. John tried to talk to Howard but Fred had him stuttering like crazy as he goofed on him.
John only got a few words out the whole time he was being interviewed because no one would let him complete a sentence. It was just taking him so long to get out a sentence that he had to be cut off. John was able to say that he was told by his doctor that he has to try and stay calm because he could have a stroke from getting so pissed off. John pleaded with Fred to stop with the stuttering so he could get out what he had to say. Fred started to play dog barking sound effects and continued to goof on him even though he was begging him to stop.
John explained how he could have a heart attack or a stroke if he gets too upset with the callers. He said he would try to remain calm with all of them from now on. Howard said John is best taken in small doses and sent him back out to answer the phones after that.
Elvis said that people said he was a recreational user of drugs. He said the only thing he did wrong was hit his head on that toilet. Howard eventually turned on some echo for his creepy Elvis voice but then he said he had to go. Fred threw in a fart sound and Robin asked if that's how he makes his exits now.
Gary came in with a letter from Richard Simmons. Howard read the letter as Elvis. Richard was upset about something Howard had done. Howard said he might have to read that tomorrow instead. Howard stuck with it and read some of the letter. Howard came out of his impression a short time later.
The Gossip Game With Guest Model Audrey Quock. 3/31/00. 8:15am
Sports Illustrated model Audrey Quock came in to play the Gossip Game this morning. Also in was Wood Yi who made rude, hilarious comments throughout the interview. As soon as Audrey came in Wood Yi said ''I'm ready for some yellow poon.'' Audrey is the first Asian model who has been in Sports Illustrated so it's a big deal for her. Wood Yi threw out a bunch of lines during this part of the show. Here are a few of his zingers:
Howard got to Mike Walker at one point and spoke to him for a minute. Mike has been fishing around for info on some of the stories that have been printed lately about Howard. Gary said that Mike was asking him if any of them were true. Gary said he gave a ''no comment'' to him. Mike says Howard has become a magnet for stories since his legal separation. We also learned that Audrey is 22 years old at this point. A short time later Wood Yi says ''Twenty two? I have ball cheese older than twenty two!'' Howard had Mike get to the game so they could get it out of the way.
In the clip Howard played some of the nominees for the Best Interaction with the Jackie Puppet category. He had clips of Patty Davis Reagan, Richard Lewis, Conan O'Brien and some others who were nominated. Each of the people had some kind of interaction with Jackie Puppet who was voiced by Billy West.
The winner was Conan O'Brien and he was on the phone to accept the award. Conan said that this is the first award he's won in quite some time. He said this is better than the award he won on Saturday Night Live. Howard said Conan still has his show and he must be proud of that. Conan said he's been on for 3 seasons now. He asked Howard when he can come on the show. Howard said he will never be on. Howard said he may come on when he has to go out and promote his new book. Howard had Conan make his acceptance speech after that. Conan thanked the puppet and said without that puppet this would not have been possible. Howard thanked Conan for calling in and reminded him that he was talking to a puppet.
Today's Impression's Week was over around 10:20am.
First up on today's Impressions Week they played a segment from 2009 when Howard started the show doing a Ted Kennedy impression. Here's my rundown from that day:
The Ghost Of Ted Kennedy Takes Over Howard Stern. 08/31/09. 6:00am
Howard and the guys are back from their week long vacation. Howard started the show doing his Ted Kennedy ''Er-ahh'' impression. Howard said he was going to have everyone doing their impression during the whole show. He was on his megaphone doing the impression and telling stories about Kennedy. He was talking about Ted being married to Joan and then not being married to Joan in a special that ran over the vacation. He said they just skipped over that part of his life.
Howard said that Ted had been reunited with Mary Jo Kopechne now that he's dead. Howard also talked about ho Ted looked just like his mother Rose. He stayed in that Kennedy impression through the whole thing. He talked about his family that were all at his funeral.
Howard talked about how the whole Kennedy family got pussy. He said that the whole family would have fucked Marilyn Monroe if they had the chance.
Howard said that Ted's brother got so much pussy that he had flies buzzing around his hands all the time. Howard was cracking himself up telling those jokes. Robin was getting sad at one point and didn't stay in her Kennedy impression. She had to throw in an ''Er-ahh'' to get back into it.
Howard talked about some of the wacky stuff that the Kennedy family has done over the years. They talked about the one kid that had a lobotomy. Howard told another story about Rosemary being labotomized because she was constantly masturbating. Howard said that's why Ted never masturbated in front of his father. Howard said that would cure masturbation in anyone. He was telling all of this stuff in his Kennedy impression over his megaphone.
Howard said that Ted would end up peeing all over the bathroom floor because he never wanted to touch his own penis in fear of being labotomized.
Howard came out of his Kennedy impression when he brought up the Mary Jo Kopechne thing and asked the guys if they found it odd that he wasn't investigated for leaving the scene of a crime for 10 hours but Spitzer had to step down when he was with a prostitute.
Howard got back into his Kennedy impression and did some more talking about the wacky Kennedy family and how they got out of trouble because of who they were. Howard talked about some of the other Kennedy family members that died and went through their history. Howard brought up how much they all got laid again and joked about their tuna fingers. Howard said that Ted voted against the war in Iraq and bragged about that as Ted.
Howard brought up the JFK Jr. plane crash and how Ted had warned him against flying. Howard was joking about going to ''Au Bar'' and ended up doing a sheep sound when he said ''bah ah ah ah ah.'' Artie laughed at that pretty hard.
Howard talked a lot about the Au Bar thing and did the sheep bah thing a bunch of times. Howard brought up Ted's wife and how she may take over his Senate seat. Howard had been in his Ted Kennedy impression for almost 15 minutes at that point. He had only come out of it for about 10 seconds in that whole time.
Robin brought up Caroline Kennedy and how she was supposed to be pretty elegant at the memorial service. They talked about that a little bit. Artie was doing his Kennedy impression as they talked about this stuff too. He was kind of sticking to the plan to do the Kennedy impressions through the whole morning.
Howard brought up Caroline marrying a Jew and goofed on that a little bit. Howard said that Ted tried to get her into politics but she wasn't a good speaker so it didn't work out very well. Howard talked about how the whole Kennedy family loves to fuck. He joked about how he had tried to fuck Rosa Parks back in the day. Howard said he wanted her in the back of the bus so they'd have some privacy.
Howard was going nuts telling jokes about wanting to fuck Rosa in the back of the bus and had Artie laughing his ass off. He said that he was shooting loads on her processed hair and things like that. Robin told Ted (Howard) he was having too much fun talking about this stuff.
Howard said he didn't think he could maintain that impression and came out of it. He said he was going to do the whole show as Ted Kennedy but he wasn't able to keep it up. Artie asked if there was anything that could have gotten that guy voted out of the senate. Howard had to get a tissue because he was crying from laughing so much. His tissue box was missing though so he had to ask Gary what was going on.
Howard asked where Fred was because he didn't see him there. He was right there though. Howard got back into his Kennedy impression and told Gary to do his impression. Gary did a little Kennedy for him. Howard stayed in the impression a little longer.
Howard asked Ronnie to come in and do his Kennedy impression. He asked Scott the engineer and J Er-Ahh D to come in too. Ronnie came in and did his awful impression. Scott's was awful too. JD tried to do one but his impression was pretty bad too.
Howard asked JD what he did over vacation. JD said he worked. He tried to do the Er-ahh thing but it wasn't working very well for him. Howard kicked him out.
Howard got out of the impression and said that was enough of that. Robin said she hopes that they're not retiring him. Howard said he used to just bring him up in the news when Robin would read a story. He said that maybe he won't retire it and he'll comment on the Kennedy family when they come up in the news.
Comedian Darrell Hammond Sits In For The News. 6/12/03. 9:05am
Comedian Darrell Hammond came in to hang out during Robin's news today. He was in to promote his stand-up gigs at Caroline's on Broadway which run from tonight through Sunday. Howard spent a little time talking to him about what he does during his act. Darrell said that he gets a little blue during the second show. He said you can tell how bad he's bombing by how quickly he does his Bill Clinton impression. He said that always gets laughs. Howard said it seems that everyone thinks they can do a Clinton impression these days. Howard was also talking about Hilary Clinton's new book and how she talks about falling in love with Bill because of his hands. Howard pointed out that those were the same hands that were touching Monica Lewinsky. Darrell told Howard that he got to kiss Monica on Saturday Night Live himself because they did a skit together. He said it was like acid or LSD or something because it was kind of crazy he was making out with Monica Lewinsky. He said he was separated at the time so he would have banged her if he could have. He said he was attracted to her. Darrell talked about what it was like being married and how his wife's mouth wasn't big enough for all of the words that wanted to come out of it. He said when she yelled at him she sounded like an auctioneer. He said he still loves his wife but he just can't live with her. He said they do have separate homes now but she still manages his money. She lives downtown in New York City and he lives uptown. They have a daughter together so they try to get together 4 or 5 times a week so he can see the kid.
Howard heard that Darrell Hammond had to make a tape for Katie Couric where he showed her how Jay Leno does every monolog. The tape never made it to air so Darrell did his great Leno impression and described how the monolog goes. His impression is right on and he had the pattern for the monolog down just right.
Howard wondered if people ask him how much longer he's going to be on Saturday Night Live. He said it's kind of weird because it's like he's on a retainer working there. He said they don't do that much political humor these days so they don't need him there every day. He goes in when they ask him to go. He said that he likes working there and likes the money they pay him.
Howard asked Darrell about this Tommy Hillfiger event he did where he had to follow a Holocaust survivor who had made a speech. He said luckily the audience responded to the jokes pretty well.
Howard asked Darrell who's even on Saturday Night Live these days. He mentioned Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fay. Howard also brought up Chris Kattan and Darrell said that he thinks he's leaving this year.
Darrell was doing his impression of Regis Philbin and also told Howard that Kathie Lee Gifford was kind of rough on him when he'd do his impressions on the show when she was on. He said she would say that he needed to do a little work on the impressions. Howard told him he should have turned to her and told her that she had no talent and can't do any impressions or anything like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who was doing an impression of Jay Leno's sidekick Kevin Eubanks. Darrell did some more of his Leno impression but Howard had hung up on the caller by then.
Howard got back to their discussion about the VH-1 Best Song of the Past 25 Years. He played a clip of a guy describing why it was the best one. Howard listened to the clip and said it was a ridiculous explanation.
Darrell did an impression of Al Sharpton for Howard that was pretty good. He also did his Jesse Jackson impression. Howard said he should do some voice over work or something because his impressions are great. Howard said he should do some voices for his new cartoon ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' that's going to be on TNN (Soon to be the SPIKE network). Howard said his voice is tough to do and wondered why people can't do it. Darrell said that he's heard a couple of guys, including Jimmy Fallon, who actually do it pretty well. Howard said Elon Gold can do it pretty good as well. Howard had to take a break after that discussion. Darrell hung around so he could sit in during Robin's news.
Lisa G's News Preview And Howard Goofs On Gary. 03/05/08. 7:15am
Gary came in and said that he's really not that excited about this Friar's club thing and he's not sure why everything thinks that he's so into it. Howard said that he was talking about how he was going to take everyone to lunch over there once he got in. Gary said that he never said that and he challenged him to find the tape of him saying that.
Howard did his impression of Gary and goofed on the whole thing. Gary said that he's going to have Jackie come to his induction ceremony and he's only doing that because Jackie is so into it. He said that he doesn't care that much about it himself. Howard said that he would never join that because he doesn't want to deal with people at clubs and things like that. Gary said that he'd rather just sit at home and do things on the internet.
Howard said that he is thinking about starting a chess club near his apartment so he could play in person. Gary said that if Howard didn't need to have sex, he'd be even more anti-social and he'd probably never go out. Howard said that's right.
Gary said that he's not even sure what this induction ceremony involves. He didn't even know there was one until Lisa told him about it.
Gary said that he always had fun going out to the club with Jackie in the past and he's looking forward to having a place like that to eat. Artie told him he could have the same fun going out to Del Fresco's there in the building they work in.
Howard goofed on Gary a little bit more and then Gary went off on him. He said that Howard and Ross and some other guys went to Atlantic City a couple of weeks ago and they sent text messages goofing on him about being bored. That was in reference to Gary being bored out in Las Vegas when he was out there not too long ago. That led to Howard doing his Gary impression and talking about being bored.
Howard said he can't imagine getting a call from Gary saying that he was bored and asking him to come to his room to hang out. Gary did that to Nick DiPaolo. Gary said that they have to get Nick in there one day to talk about comedians that he really dislikes.
Lisa G was done with her Howard 100 News preview so Howard let her go and played a Baba Booey song parody as he continued to goof on him about the boredom thing. They were goofing on Gary about his Friar's club thing and saying that he could be ''Friar Booey'' trying to get a hold of Friar Artie when he gets bored. Fred threw in a couple of Baba Booey song parodies as they were goofing on Gary.
Howard was relentless with his impression of Gary getting bored and talking about all of the stuff he didn't want to do. He was putting on this voice that sounds nothing like Gary but had everyone laughing. Gary said that he loves being goofed on by three of the most mentally unstable people he knows.
Artie was playing the part of Nick DiPaolo while Howard did his Gary impression of him trying to get him to come over to his hotel room to hang out. Howard had Gary wondering about Artie sleeping all day out in Vegas. He said that they should get that animated. Fred played Gary interrupting Howard with his speaker before Howard had to move on.
Reverend Dave Hill. 2/9/01. 6:30am
Howard spent a few minutes doing his Jackie impression goofing on him for enjoying parades and ''oyster fest'' type things.
Howard wrapped up the call by telling Dave to ask the parade people if he can get in one more time. If they don't let them in, then they'll have to do a free parade for the Stern fans.
Stuttering John and Gary came in and spent some time talking about Jackie and how he enjoys big parade-like parties in his town. He loves to have big get togethers where everybody knows everyone. John and Gary goofed on Jackie for quite a while and Jackie just sat there and took it.
Jimmy Fallon Visits. 06/18/07. 7:40am
After the break we heard a new Baba Booey song parody and then a Jack and Rod show where Jack and Rod were talking to an author of a book about witches. They had Blue Iris on the phone as a 102 year old witch. Howard came back after that and brought in Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy came in and said that the studio looked great. He'd never been there before. He said that he's having some trouble getting his SIRIUS working right though. He said that its' not right waking up in the morning without Howard. Howard told him that maybe they should have someone hook him up in the right way so he can hear the show throughout the house. Robin said they could hook it up so he can get the feed through the internet and listen to it over the radio but Jimmy said he doesn't work with computers much.
Jimmy said that he's living there in the city and his girlfriend is out in Los Angeles. He said that's been going on for about two and a half years. He goes out to see her about once a month or she comes out there. He said it's actually pretty awesome working it that way. Howard said that he's the only guy he knows that has a relationship like that which actually works.
Jimmy said that his girlfriend was telling him that his TiVo lineup is really gay and she wants him to change it. He said he's got a lot of cooking shows and things on his. Howard said that really is pretty gay. Jimmy talked about how great this girl is and how he never really liked strip clubs or anything like that. He said he went out one time with the owner of a comedy club and he just wanted to leave when the owner was getting boobs in his face and doing coke.
Howard asked Jimmy if he listened to his show when he was a kid. Jimmy said he grew up in a town near Woodstock, New York and they didn't get the show up there. Jimmy was also talking about how his mother found out about a comedy place that was having an impression contest and he did a lot of impressions. Jimmy does an Adam Sandler impression that people really like but he doesn't like to do them over and over again on SNL. Jimmy said he doesn't want to keep doing them every week like some of the cast have done over the years. Howard told him that Jim Breuer used to do Joe Pesci a lot and he loved it every time. Jimmy said he was known as the impression guy on the show but he wanted to do other things. He would change it around trying to do various other things. He said he was known as the impressionists and then the guy who did the news and then the guy who laughs at himself.
Howard asked Jimmy about this impression contest he did. It was up at a Banana's comedy club up in Poughkeepsie, New York. He mentioned he did Jerry Seinfeld so Howard asked him to do it for him. Jimmy did a little bit of his Seinfeld without much material. He did have the impression down though. Jimmy said that he once did an impression of Howard but he didn't even have to say a word before the audience cheered for him. Howard asked him to do the impression of him. Jimmy did it but he sounded more like Johnny Carson to Robin.
Howard heard he does a Pat O'Brien impression too. He said he'd love to hear that because he likes Pat so much. Jimmy said he tries not to hit people when they're down. He did do a little bit of him though. Howard asked him why his mom put him into that contest. He said there wasn't much entertainment up where he lived so she hooked him up with that. He said that he had this troll doll that someone had given him for high school graduation so he took that and made it into a thing for the show where he'd do his impressions of celebrities trying to sell the troll doll. He started to do his impression of Bill Cosby but stopped after two seconds. Howard told him to keep going with it because it was so good. Jimmy said he ended up winning that contest.
Howard asked Jimmy how he ended up on Saturday Night Live. Jimmy said he used to watch the Eddie Murphy years and thought about how great they were. He said he was born in 1974 so his parents used to watch that stuff and he did see some of it. Howard heard that Jimmy dresses up as Artie for Halloween but he actually had his story wrong. He just went to the same party as Artie had. That led to Artie talking about a mutual friend of theirs, Nadia Dajani, who throws a great Thanksgiving eve party that they've gone to. Artie and Jimmy talked about the party and how there are a few other celebrities who show up like Heather Graham and Ethan Hawke.
Howard asked Jimmy if the rumor about him taking over for Conan is true. Jimmy said that he has signed a contract with NBC where he will take over Conan's spot if he leaves. He said that it's a little trickier than that because they actually won't let him do late night shows anywhere else. In the mean time, they're paying him to wait for that. He said that they need the next person to replace Conan. He said he actually substituted for Letterman one time and it was really tough. He said that he interviewed Kristanna Loken and thought that she had taken some marital arts stuff but she said no to that and talked about taking mime classes. He said that the pre-interviewer must have just slacked off that day and figured since Dave was on vacation that he'd be on vacation.
Artie said that Jimmy also hosted the MTV Awards one year and did a good job with that. Howard asked him how he got on SNL again so jimmy said he was doing a lot of comedy shows around the New York area and it wasn't all that much fun. He said he had given his friend a head shot and a tape and told him to show some people when he went out to L.A. To do work in the music business. He was discovered after that friend passed the tape along to someone. They thought he was great and hooked him up.
Howard asked if it was true that he was going to do a movie with Jessica Alba. Jimmy said that's not happening and he should get that removed from IMDB. Howard asked Jimmy if he's friends with Adam Sandler. Jimmy said that he's the nicest guy in the world. Howard went on to ask him to do the impression so Jimmy did some of that for him. He said that he had gone in to do an interview at SNL one time and they told him that Lorne Michaels wasn't going to laugh at anything he did, that's just the way he is. Jimmy said that there were a bunch of guys who told him the same thing over and over again.
Jimmy said there was a guy ahead of him who walked into the interview with a keyboard and a bag of wigs. He figured he couldn't follow him. He said he went in and did his thing and when he did his Adam Sandler impression, Lorne actually laughed. He said that was a great moment for him. Howard asked him what happened to the guy with the wigs. Jimmy said that guy is working at the Stardust Diner now.
Howard asked Jimmy about this song he has out now. Jimmy said he wanted to do something for the troops and he has no idea about politics and wasn't even sure if he voted in the last election. He said the last vote he remembers was voting for Ross Perot. He went on to say that if you buy this new song of his off of iTunes, a portion of the proceeds goes to a charity that benefits injured troops.
Jimmy brought up this song that Howard's father imitated back when they were doing recording sessions when Howard was a kid. Jimmy said it's a weird song but every time he hears it he thinks about Howard liking it because his father used to sing it. They got back to the song that Jimmy sings which is called ''Car Wash For Peace.'' Jimmy said that the song is really serious so he'd prefer it if everyone didn't laugh. He was kidding of course. He went on to sing the song live for the guys. He had Howard and Artie singing with him a little bit.
Howard asked Jimmy if he ever went nuts with his power and fame after getting on SNL. Jimmy said he did get into the drug thing but didn't get addicted. He said he did get laid a lot though. Howard gave him some plugs for his song and said that you can get it through iTunes. He wrapped up with him a short time later. Jimmy said he loves that he has SIRIUS now and that he has the show to listen to. Jimmy mentioned Fred's name change and also brought up Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and how he has an impression show that's really bad. He said that he should really stick to blowing smoke out of his eyes.
Howard mentioned that Michael Moore was going to be in and that led to Jimmy mentioning that he saw him on Letterman the other night and it wasn't all that great. Jimmy said that Artie kills on that show every time though.
Howard took a call from Kenneth Keith Kallenbach who asked Jimmy if he got his sketch comedy. Howard told Ken that Jimmy likes it better when he blows smoke out of his eyes and hung up on him a few seconds later. He went to break after that.
Wasted Week - Billy West As Drunk Joe Walsh. 06/01/10. 10:00am
Next on Wasted Week they played Richard Christy's drunken voice mail to Will Murray. Then they played a Robin's news segment from May 23, 1995.
In the clip Robin was reading some news about a celebrity wedding and talked about some of the people that were there. Joe Walsh was one of them so Billy West did his impression of Joe puking while they talked about that. Howard had a conversation with ''Joe'' for a few minutes about the wedding. Billy was going nuts with the impression singing and talking like Joe. He kept saying Joe's lie ''How ya doin'?'' over and over as he held his nose to make himself sound like Joe. Billy was also saying Don Henley still sucks.
Robin tried to go through some more news but Billy stayed in character and kept throwing lines out as Joe. Robin read some other stuff which led to Fred playing Jackie's ''Cold Gold'' song. Then Billy started in with his Jackie Puppet character.
THoHS:A2 - Laura Lackner. 12/30/08. 8:30am
After that we heard a K-Rock clip where Howard played some 'Gina Man audio clips and said that they were going to be talking to him later on. Howard said he was doing his impressions of Jackie the Joke Man and some of the guys on the station. Howard played one clip where the guy says he wants ''Pussy juice on his helmet.'' Howard wondered how that got by the censoring. Gary said Scott must have missed it. Scott came in and said that he did miss it and he must not have known what he was saying. Howard figured Scott thought he was saying ''pushy Jews.''
Howard played more of the audio and said that he wants to hire this guy to do impressions on the show. He said that might be their 'Gina girl replacement. The guy would say people's names from Howard's show and just go on laughing like a mental patient. He would give himself names like Bunions Toenailsen and things like that. Then the guy identified himself as 'Gina Man. They went to break after that clip.
Gilbert Gottfried Visits. 03/01/06. 8:55am
Howard had Gary bring in Gilbert Gottfried who came in and said he had to get used to this place. Howard said he was on his web site GilbertGottfried.com... He cut himself off and asked Gilbert to put down his drink because it was making noise. Gilbert was a bit thrown off by the new studio and said that he had too close a view of Artie now.
Howard said that Gilbert put out this DVD after Artie talked him into to doing it. That led to Gilbert doing his impression of Artie telling him how to go about getting the DVD out. He was also saying that it was the most degrading thing to get advice from Artie. Artie was laughing his ass off as he heard Gilbert goofing on him. Howard figured that Gilbert wanted to get in on some of that action but it must have turned into a big mistake. Gilbert said that he has been selling some DVDs after getting more advice from Artie.
Howard said that Gilbert has bad timing because he put the DVD out shortly before they moved to satellite where they don't have much of an audience. Gilbert admitted it was bad timing because the show could finally do something for him and then they move somewhere that they have a tenth of the audience they once had.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's gone to therapy for all of this stuff. Gilbert said he sometimes calls Artie and he gets some advice to feel better about himself. Howard gave him some more plugs for his web site and talked about the blog that Gilbert is now writing. He even wrote up a story about going to Howard's birthday party back in January. Howard said he was kind of surprised that he was even invited. He also said that Gilbert was very nervous up in front of everyone and made a speech. Howard said that Gilbert was telling his parents that they were too Jewish during his speech.
Gary came in and said that he had some audio of Gilbert's speech at the Birthday Party. Gilbert got up after Artie introduced him. Gilbert couldn't believe that he had to follow Artie. Then he was talking about how he knows how he'll be treated 20 years from now when Howard will be goofing on him. Gilbert's act wasn't going over very well until he saw Howard's parents and asked how Howard can call himself half Jewish when both of them look so Jewish. He wrapped up his speech a short time later and said he was there for the free food so he had to get off stage. Howard figured that Gilbert was going nowhere so that's why he turned to his parents.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Gilbert was working at a Rocky Horror Picture Show for a week or so as an announcer. She said that she was working at the theater and went up to him and said that she loves him and wants to marry him. She claims that Gilbert asked for her number after that and he used to flirt with her. She thought he was just a sweet guy because she was only 20 and didn't know better. A couple of weeks later Gilbert called her while she was out to eat and asked when she was going to be alone so he could call her back. Howard figured he wanted to jerk off to her voice.
The woman said that she blew him off for a couple of weeks but all she could think about was how he could help her career. She said that if he had asked to take her out for a cup of coffee out in public, she may have gone out with him. She claims that he wanted to come over to her place but that wasn't possible at the time. She said that he eventually tried to have some phone sex with her but she got freaked out by that. Gilbert says that he doesn't remember this girl at all. Howard thinks that this is a common occurrence with Gilbert and if he would just take the girl out a little bit, maybe he could get some dates.
Howard said that if the girl is hot you'd think that Gilbert would be seen in public with her. She said that she's not fat or anything. She's a dancer who is 5'9'' tall and 125 pounds. She was complaining about how late he would call her. Gary said that he heard that she had another story about someone who worked on the show. Howard didn't want to hear that story because it was all hearsay.
Howard moved on to Wendy the Retard who thought that Gilbert was there with Yago the parrot. Gilbert played along and asked Wendy if she wanted his big parrot dick inside her. Wendy said that she did and said yes to every question he asked. Gilbert asked if she would blow him and she said yes. She also said that she would 69 him.
Howard asked Wendy what she weighs. She said she's almost 200 pounds. She also said that she has been with a bird before and she would go down on Gilbert. Howard asked her if she would stuff the whole bird inside of her if she was with him. Gilbert said that the Yago character was in the movie ''Aladdin'' but it might not be after this. He figures that Rich Little will have to fill in for him to play that part after this appearance.
Gilbert asked Wendy if Artie was the worst person to ask for business advice. She said yes to that. Howard asked her when she last had a bowel movement and wiped herself. She said it was last night. He also asked her if she has ever named her movements. She said she has and she named one and she named it 'Artie.' Gilbert asked her if her bowel movements were smarter than Artie when it came to business advice. Of course she said yes so Artie asked her if she thinks her bowel movements would outsell Gilbert's DVDs if they could create their own DVD. Yes, of course. Howard wrapped up with Wendy and went to break before bringing in Red Peters.
The Staff Impression Contest. 09/30/10. 8:20am
After the break Fred played a prank call Richard made to a guy asking him to give his buddy a message about the porn movie he borrowed. Fred also played Metallica's ''Wherever I May Roam'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said he was excited about this Staff Impression Contest. He said he had to play a clip before they got to that though. He said Sal found this clip of a woman getting a tattoo and she's screaming the whole time. Sal said it was on Break.com. Howard played the clip and the woman was screaming in pain as she was getting this tattoo. She told the guy to wait and stop. Howard said it's not that bad. Robin said she went to get her tattoo and she saw a master and slave ahead of her. She said that the slave was crying and screaming like that and the master was telling the slave to shut up.
Howard said the woman should have gotten up and left. He played more of her screaming. The tattoo was on her back. The artist told her she can't be moving like that and she can't be grabbing his leg. She told him not to get persnippity with her. The guy told her that she can't be jumping around like that if she wants the tattoo done correctly. Howard said he would have thrown her right out of there.
Howard said it was time for the Staff Impression Contest. He said that they auditioned people and have 5 finalists there. Howard said it looks like they have a police line up in there. The guys were all doing their impressions when they spoke to Howard. This is who they had in there:
Howard said Rachel has been a fan for about 16 years. Rachel said she reads audio books for a living and has done some low budget cartoons and stuff. She does a Tracey Millman impression too so Howard had her do some of that. Rachel did the impression and Howard played along like it was really Tracey. Gary came in and played along with it too.
Howard and Robin spoke to Rachel about the voice work she's done and she has done some phone sex stuff. She said that was just part time. She was doing it out of her apartment. She said that her roommate was cool with it. Rachel said that the guys would want her to do some really weird stuff. She ended up doing her sexy voice for Howard and had some phone sex with him.
Jason T. and Chad were doing their impressions too. Then Anniel got in and did his Gary the Retard impression and said hi to Fred and Robin. Then Kevin did his Mark the Bagger impression. Howard said they're all so talented. He said that he could do a whole show with them.
Howard asked Rachel if she does impressions of other famous people. She said she's been doing that since she was a kid. She does other impressions like Liza Minelli. She did some of Liza but Howard told her to stick to the Howard Stern impressions. She also does Joan Rivers. Howard said she's really talented. Robin said she should be doing The Simpson's. Rachel said she'd rather do Family Guy.
Howard asked Robin how they should do this. Robin said they should do one at a time. Howard spoke to Rachel as Underdog again and had a whole conversation with her. Rachel had a lot of material and she had a lot of Underdog lines that have been heard on the show over the years. She was prepared for this contest.
Howard said Rachel was fantastic. He moved on to Chad Diller next. Chad does a John the Stutterer impression. Chad told Howard he had a bunch of impressions and he didn't even know he could do John the stutter. He does George Takei too. He did some of that for Howard but Howard told him to stick to the John the Stutterer. Chad owns a sign business and that led to Howard talking to him about street signs and how they're taking them all down to replace them with non-capitalized signs. He said they think that's going to cut back on accidents because they're easier to read. Howard spent a minute talking to him about the sign business and then had him do more of his John the Stutterer impression. Chad's impression was really close to the real John. He also sounded like he came prepared for the contest because he had a lot of John's common lines down. He would go off on Ralph just like the real John. He also went off on Rush Limbaugh.
Howard said it was a lot of fun to watch these guys doing their impressions. Chad said he hopes Underdog dies from feline leukemia from her cat scratches. Rachel went at him as Underdog. They were acting out their characters and improvising a scene that was very funny.
Howard introduced Kevin Ottinger who does Mark the Bagger. Howard said he looked nervous. Kevin said he's been listening to the show for only 5 years. He lives out in Oklahoma. Kevin said he made his voice high one day and that was it for his impression. He drives a truck 70 hours a week in the oil fields. Howard said he must sleep well at night. Kevin said he does. Howard asked what he does driving. He said he hauls salt water from the wells. Howard said he didn't even know there was work doing that. He said they take the salt water from the well and pump it back into the ground. Howard said being a bagger would be easier.
Howard asked Kevin if this was his first attempt at doing the impression. Kevin said he did it for his answering machine. Howard spoke to Kevin as Mark the Bagger and he did a bit with his phone taking a call from his mom. He used some of Mark's well known lines from the show.
Howard moved on to Anniel Hernandez who does the Gary the Retard impression. He asked him how he came up with the impression. Anniel said he just started doing it one day and didn't even know he could do it. He did some of that for Howard and then did some of his High Pitch Eric impression. Howard had him doing that for a few seconds before moving on to his Gary the Retard. Howard spoke to him as Gary for a minute. Anniel's impression was very good. He sounded a lot like him. He also had a lot of Gary's well known lines down. He and Rachel got into an argument and improvised a quick scene together. Chad got in on that too. They had some fun with their impressions for a few seconds. Howard had the Flu (Richard) come in to say hi to Gary. Anniel did his ''Shoo shoo, retarded flu'' impression. They played with that for a minute. Then Chad and Rachel did their impressions. Rachel played her part just about perfectly.
Howard moved on to Jason who does a Big Foot impression. Jason said he's been listening to the show for about 18 years. He said he likes to do this in his spare time. Jason does some environmental work and manufactures DDT. Howard said he has to talk to him then. Howard said he heard that Jason does a Mariann from Brooklyn impression. Jason did some of that for him. Howard asked if High Pitch Eric was with him too. Jason does that impression and then he did a Gary Dell'Abate impression too. Howard talked to him as Gary for a few seconds. Howard said his real triumph is his Big Foot impression. Jason went into that and did an amazing impression of Big Foot. Howard had a conversation with Big Foot for a short time. He joked that he had sex with Underdog out in the green room. Underdog said that she would never do such a thing. Big Foot said he had cum all over his hand if he wanted to see it. Then John the Stutterer said he had bedbugs crawling all over his dirty asshole.
Howard said that Big Foot has been suing the state of Vermont. Big Foot said that's why he has a lawyer. Howard asked Gary the Retard what he thought about all of this. He was getting everyone involved in the conversation. Chad's impression of John the Stutterer was so close it sounded like John was in the room.
Howard asked everyone questions and had them all doing their impressions. Jason's Big Foot was pretty remarkable too. Then Howard had Rachel do her Little Lupe impression. Rachel and Jason reenacted the edited phone call that the guys had put together. They had a lot of the lines down and it almost sounded like they were playing the tape.
Howard said all five of them are fantastic. He said that this was very exciting. He said he has to go around and ask the judges what they think. Howard said he's glad he's not judging on American Idol. He said all five of them are great but only one person can win.
Ralph called in and talked about how awful John's attitude is. That got Chad yelling at him as John the Stutterer. It sounded like a real fight between Ralph and John. Ralph said that all of these guys are fantastic. He said that his favorites are Underdog, John and Gary the Retard. Chad and Rachel went at it again and Ralph said he thinks that John the stutterer may be a winner.
Yucko the Clown called in and said he had to talk to John the Stutterer. The two of them got into it like the real John the Stutterer would. Chad had that character down so good it sounded like the real thing. Yucko said his vote goes to that guy.
Gary came in and said that all of them are phenomenal but when he closes his eyes he tries to tell the difference. He said that it's a tie between John the Stutterer and Big Foot. He said he hears the real people when he closes his eyes. Gary said their impressions are very good and those are his favorites. He wasn't able to pick just one. He said the Gary the Retard and Underdog were very good too. Gary said he'd probably go with Chad if he had to pick just one.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said everyone was really great. She said that they worked hard on their impressions. She said that Chad got into costume so she had to give him extra points for that. Robin said she has to nit pick now. She said that she thinks Rachel totally captures Suzanne Muldowney. She said that it's like she's channelling her. Howard said that Gary the Retard is great too though. Robin said the great thing is that his impression is perfect and the real Gary doesn't provide them with that much material. Robin said Big Foot was great too but it wasn't as good as Rachel to her.
Howard went to Fred next. Fred said he agrees that everyone has done a phenomenal job. He said there should be a 3 way tie for first. He said that John the Stutterer is rushed a little. Big Foot didn't have a lot of material. He said that Rachel pulled the focus right to her and she had the essence of the character.
Howard asked Ronnie the Limo Drover what he thinks. Ronnie said it's really hard because they're so great. He said he would go with John the Stutterer.
Benjy said he thought he was going to vote for Rachel before the contest. He said she's the best theatrically but Chad as John the Stutterer is who he'd have to go with.
Howard said it was a toss up between 4 people, possibly 5, but he'd have to go with John the Stutterer. He said that everyone was great though. Rachel stayed in character and said she should have expected as much from a deviant such as Howard.
Howard said he's going to open up the phone lines and let the audience vote. Howard asked each of them to talk to the audience and tell them why they should get votes. Then he had to go to commercial break so they could take the votes.
In the clip Howard brought up this event that Robin was going to be speaking at. Robin said she'll be at a dinner to raise money for the Parkinson's foundation and they're honoring Muhammad Ali. Fred was doing impressions of Ali during that discussion.
Howard told Robin that he met Muhammad Ali once but Robin didn't believe the story. Howard said there are a lot of things that he's done that he hasn't told her about. He said that meeting didn't affect him that much. Robin said it would affect her. Howard said it really wouldn't. Howard told Robin not to lose her sense of humor. Robin was being very serious about this. She said that he means a lot to her.
Robin said Muhammad taught her a lesson about loss. She said this means a lot to her. Howard asked Robin how many rounds she went the first time she had sex. Robin said she lasted the entire 15 rounds. Howard asked about Madonna making a presentation to Muhammad. Robin said that she will be doing that. Fred did his impression of Robin and said that it should be her making that presentation. Robin said she wishes that Fred was suffering from a few blows to the head.
Howard eventually ended up doing his Soupy Sales impression during that discussion. Howard was talking about the event as Soupy. Robin talked about how Howard's hero was Soupy Sales for many years and she said that he didn't goof on him for years until he didn't like him anymore. She compared that to the way she likes Muhammad Ali.
Howard asked for a preview of what Robin is going to say at this event. Robin said she'd give him one tomorrow. Howard spent a few more minutes talking about that with her. Robin was still on the Soupy Sales thing and goofing on Howard about the way he used to talk about Soupy Sales.
And Finally... Goofing On JD. 04/10/07. 10:00am
Howard was looking for some audio clips of Barack Obama on Letterman's show but JD didn't have time to pull any. JD came in and explained himself so Fred was goofing on him doing an impression while Howard was asking him some serious questions about politics. That led to them goofing on him even more. Howard asked him if his mother should have run off with a Hawaiian and not come back to see him for 8 years. JD said she's fine and didn't want to go there with Howard. Howard didn't drop it though. Fred was playing some Hawaiian music and goofing on him about that. He told JD that he should bring that music with him and blast it so he doesn't have to hear his mom and her man having sex. JD said he doesn't plan on being in that situation.
JD said that he's not sure where he's going to be staying when he goes to this family reunion thing. Howard told him to just blast that Hawaiian music whenever he's around them. Fred played that and some moaning porn clips to create what that might sound like. Howard did an impression of the Hawaiian guy that sounded more like a Pakistani guy than Hawaiian.
Howard talked more to JD about his mother living in Hawaii and how maybe she'll show up wearing a coconut bra to the family reunion. Howard asked him if he wants him to go with him. JD said he's the last person she'd want to see. Howard said he loves JD and wondered if his mother loves him. JD said she does but Howard thinks that he's more his mother than even his mother is. Howard wondered if he hates Hawaiian music. JD said it's not his favorite.
Howard asked JD how old he was when his mother left. He said he was 21 at the time. The guys continued to talk to JD about his schooling and stuff like that. Howard told him he really does love him and he wishes him luck with his mom. He said he'll even bring him to dinner one night... Then he thought about it for a second and told him to forget that, he's not bringing him to dinner. He said he really does love that kid though.
Fred did his impression of JD's mother's new man and said that he has a 13 1/2 inch cock and his balls match his cock. JD told him to calm down with that. He kept going and made fun of the guy with an accent that sounded similar to Howard's. Howard said it would be great if JD's mom really showed up in a grass skirt and a coconut bra. JD hasn't seen his mother in over 8 years so it's going to be interesting for him. Howard wondered if she can do those Hawaiian dances and maybe dance with fire torches. He said he would shit if he could get her on the show and have her do that. JD said he would too.
Howard told JD he should go visit his mother out there. They have some great weather out there. Fred played one of JD's song parodies to the tune of the Hawaii-Five-O theme song. Howard told JD he really wishes that they could sent the Howard TV guys to the reunion. JD said his mother will never let that happen.
Howard took a call from a woman who wanted to give JD some advice before he goes to Hawaii because he could get thrown into a volcano. She told him to watch the movie ''Bird of Paradise.'' She was cracking herself up talking about how he could be thrown in the volcano if his mother's boyfriend didn't like him. Howard said that woman could barely get out a sentence, she was perfect for JD.
Howard told JD that he'll take him to dinner but they have to go to something Hawaiian based. He let JD go a short time later and said that he really wants to give JD his own show. He said he could listen to that guy talk for an hour straight no problem.
Howard's Father's Day Discussed. 06/18/07. 6:10am
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Richard may have gotten the idea for the Price is Right parody songs from Bubba's show because he used some of those clips when he does stuff that he doesn't want people to hear. Another guy called in and told some stories about his father. That got Howard talking more about his father and how he loves reading the New York Times. He said he'd love to get them on the radio more and even had an ISDN line installed in their house so they could do the show from there. He said he can't get a read on them and if they'd want to do it or not though. They tell him that they'd do it ''for him'' but it doesn't seem like they're really into it.
Robin said that it would be great some day when Artie is out sick or something, they could have Howard's parents sit in for him. Artie said that would be great. Howard said that his mother really gets freaked out when things don't go just right for them so it's a nightmare for him.
Artie asked if the scene in Private Parts where his father was yelling at guys was really something that happened. Howard said it wasn't really like that. He said that his father did tell him a story about this guy Symphony Sid who had a problem one time where he fell asleep and Ben did do the thing where he commanded him to get back on the air. He said that his father told him that story, he didn't witness it, so they put that into the movie in a condensed form.
Howard said his father also got to work with Vincent Gardena so he talked about that for a short time. He said his father would try to impress him with that kind of stuff. He said his father would talk about that stuff and when they asked Vincent if he remembered Ben a few years ago, he had no idea who he was.
Howard ended up playing a prank call that Sal made using clips of his mother Ray getting upset about the trip to SIRIUS last year. In the call they have Ray talking about being upset that she wasn't picked up on time as she's talking to a cab company. Howard said that's the reason he doesn't want his parents doing a show, because everything just goes wrong. He wanted to play the actual message she left for him because he doesn't need that aggravation.
Howard played another prank call where the guys used clips of his father to goof on the people on the show. They also had his mother call in and had the hosts of the show all confused. Howard eventually got the clip of his mother's call to him after the nightmare that happened to them when they were supposed to be driven out to the studio to do some stuff but they never sent the car to pick them up. Howard said that's what he's afraid of happening again. He said that she shouldn't even know Tim Sabean's assistant's name but she does. He went on to goof on his mother's voice and goofed on the whole situation for a short time. He was making up the kind of stuff that she could have complained about and used Tim's assistant Jared's name for having done a bunch of things wrong. He and Artie were cracking up talking about that stuff. Howard had to take a break after that.
In the clip Robin was reading a news story about Marv Albert's trial. Every time she'd mention his name Fred would yell out Marv's ''Yes!'' They did that for a couple of minutes before going to break.
In the clip Howard told Robin that Billy West had gone out to do a Mr. Magoo audition. Howard said he wasn't aware that they were still doing that cartoon. Billy said they're doing a full length movie. He did some of the impression for Howard and Howard tried doing his own impression. Billy did some of his Larry Fine impression during that discussion too.
Howard said if he lands that gig he's going to make some good money. Billy said he could end up like Charles Fleisher. Howard said Billy could end up like Jim Backus and end up on a Gilligan's Island type show. Howard asked if he thinks he'll get it. Billy said he's not sure.
Howard asked Billy what he said when he was doing his impression. Billy demonstrated what he did and threw out a bunch of lines. Howard said Fred should have been down there for that. He said Fred lands tons of commercials. Howard asked Fred if he can do that one. Fred said he doesn't but he did the impression saying he doesn't do it.
Howard said Fred is so confused that he went in and did a Schwarzenegger impression. Howard asked if Fred has done any auditions lately. Fred said he did but it was a straight one. He said he just did his own voice.
Howard said he could do some voices too. Billy told him he should go out and do some. Howard did some of his Magoo with Billy doing his too.
Rev. Bob Levy Roasts Discussed. 10/30/06. 7:15am
Howard took another call from a guy who didn't understand why Artie goes off on Sal about his racist material when Artie does the same thing. He also complained about Artie shutting himself down at around 9:30 every morning. Artie apologized to the guy for some of that stuff but the guy was also saying that he seems to want to fail at everything he does.
Artie And Dana Update. 10/30/06. 7:25am
Howard asked Artie if he's back with Dana yet. Artie said he's got nothing to report at this point. He said he and Dana did talk on the phone over the weekend but they're not back together or anything. Howard asked him what his grandmother is going to do now. He did his impression of Artie's grandmother and made up a conversation she may have had with Artie about Dana.
Robin wanted to know what Artie and Dana talked about this weekend but Howard was still doing that impression of her. He had her talking to Artie about finding Dana's G-spot and how to give her oral. Howard then went into his Artie and Dana impressions and made up another conversation.
Howard asked Artie what he did with the number he got from the chick that was in there. Artie said he didn't know what chick he was talking about and Robin said that he looked very uncomfortable sitting there. Artie told Howard that he has to get a girl with a horse face like he has. He was getting back at Howard over the whole Dana thing by commenting on his girlfriend.
Howard asked Artie if he's okay. Artie said he's fine. He's trying to get back together with Dana and he's never been in this situation before. He said he's not sure what's going on with himself at this point. He's got a lot of issues to work out. Howard wondered if he's in Danny Bonaduce territory. Artie said he wouldn't walk off a ledge or anything like that. He said if he was going to kill himself, he'd do the .357 to his head. That led to the guys talking about the way to kill themselves and Howard had him convinced to do it by a car in the garage thing.
Howard's Impressions And Artie's Weight. 10/31/06. 6:20am
Howard took a call from John Boy who said that Howard does some great impressions on the show and he's really happy with his impression of Artie's grandmother, Grandma Caprio. Howard went into the impression a short time later and said that it tends to switch from Italian to Swedish. He was also doing his impression of Artie and trying to add some more stuff to the impression to make it real. He wanted to add that wheeze that Artie does sometimes.
Artie said that he's been having a problem getting some sentences out because of his fat. Howard told him that he'll eventually get fed up and lose the weight. Artie said the vending machine is what screwed him up this year. He's been eating a lot of junk out of that machine and also some chocolates that they got from Jen Koppleman from the Martha Stewart channel.
Howard played an audio clip compilation of all of Artie's wheezing from the William Shatner roast. Then he played a clip from an Abbot and Costello bit where Abbot was wheezing just like Artie. Artie said those things made him laugh as a kid.
Howard asked Artie if he ever tries to lose weight after waking up in the morning and thinking it's time. Artie said he tried to lose a few during their August vacation. He said that he lost a few but then gave up. John Boy said that he should be on the Stern diet and gave him some suggestions. Artie said he can't believe that Howard can actually stand up after eating as little as he does. Howard said he sometimes gets dizzy when he stands up quick so it is a little bit too little food.
Howard said that Beth made some turkey meatloaf the other night and it was perfect for him. He said she thought it was a little dry but it was just right. He had that and a potato. Howard was going to let John Boy go but he wanted to ask Robin a question.
John Boy asked Robin if she would bang Bubba for any reason at all. Robin said he has no desire to do that and she's not just racing him to try and make out with him or anything like that. The guys talked about how Bubba will have to make out with Richard Christy if he loses the race whenever that's going to happen.
Richard Christy came in and told Howard he really doesn't want to do the Bubba thing. He said he can't make out with a guy, it's a huge step to take for him. He said he doesn't think he can go through with it. Robin said that Richard just whines about everything he has to do. Richard said he knows it's good for the show but he could never show his face after doing that. Howard played Richard's theme song and let him go a short time later. Artie said that all of the guys that Richard looks up to kiss guys for comedy.
Sour Shoes Show Clips. 08/31/10. 6:00am
Howard started the show talking about how they were going to be trying to get Little Lupe and Dave Lampert on the phone together. He said that they'll be talking to Greg Fitzsimmons about his foreword too. He said they have some staff impression contest entries to listen to as well.
Robin said this is a slam dunk for Sour Shoes. Howard said there are a lot of people entering. He said Sour had his show last night and he had some clips to play from that. Howard said the guy is very entertaining. Howard was about to play a clip of Sour Shoes going back and forth in a conversation. Benjy was making noise eating so that distracted him for a second. He thanked him for that and then moved on to the clip. In the clip Sour was doing his Ferrall and Mad Dog Russo impressions as if they were talking to each other. He took a phone call from a guy who got him on the Ferrall impression and then he goes into his Russo impression and they're both amazing impressions. He also threw in his Gary Dell'Abate impression and a couple of others.
Howard said he had a lot of emails about Sour's show. He read some of those and the fans were saying he's a genius. People were saying he needs 4 hour shows. Howard said Sour must be doing that in his house all day long with his parents around. Some of the fans were saying he needed some direction from them to get him out there in life. Howard talked about how Lindsay Lohan needed the same thing. He said she's in the paper today looking really adorable. He said she might be a bit of a mess underneath though. Howard said she claims she wants to keep her career though. Howard said she blames her parents and Hollywood sexism for her problems.
Howard said Lindsay looks hot but Robin said she looks like she's 40. Howard said she's still hot. He said he'd like to see Robin laying down with her side tittage out there like Lindsay.
Howard read some more Sour Shoes feedback. One fan said they should dump Riley and put Sour Shoes in there instead. Howard said Sour took a request from someone last night. He played that clip and Sour was doing his Bill Clinton impression. Sour knows everyone's local weather and traffic when he takes those calls. Sour went into his Gary impression again and played some more music for the caller. Howard said you get the idea when you hear those clips.
Staff Impression Contest Entries. 08/31/10. 6:15am
Robin said a lot of people do Gary impressions and they don't get it right. Howard said someone did a Gary impression where he kept asking ''Can I ask you something'' over and over again. He said that's pretty funny. He said the contest is still going on and you can email your MP3 entries to firstname.lastname@example.org. You can do an impression of anyone on the show.
Howard played an impression of Benjy that a fan sent in. He said this was Benjy at 5:30 in the morning. He was snoring and then his alarm went off and he goes back to sleep after waking up.
Howard played another impression and this one was of Gary. The guy was doing his impression of Howard doing his impression of Gary. Howard thought it was creative. Another guy did a Jason impression. He sounded kind of like Kermit the Frog.
Howard played an Eric the Midget impression that was pretty good. The guy had his voice down. There was another one of a guy doing a Gilbert Gottfried impression. Gilbert has been on the show so he does count as someone from the show. The guy's impression was pretty good too.
Howard had a Joe Walsh impression to play too. Howard said Joe used to be on the show. Howard said he has another one that has a pretty good chance of winning. The guy did a Mark the Bagger impression. The guy had Mark the Bagger's voice down pretty good. Howard said this next one had a good shot too. It was an impression of Richard's dad calling in. It was pretty good as well. Robin got a big laugh out of that one.
Howard played another one of a Steve Langford impression. Howard wasn't sure about that one. Robin didn't seem to like it. Another one was a High Pitch Mike impression. The guy sounded a lot like Mike. Howard said that one was pretty good.
Howard said that High Pitch Mike has gone full out gay lately. He has a Facebook page and he's got a Michael Jackson birthday countdown going on right now. Howard said he's got some other weird gay things going on too. Robin said he's always going on vacations and stuff and it's all about guys. Howard said he's now flaming and he came bursting out of that closet.
Howard said he had a Mariann from Brooklyn impression. That was some guy doing an impression of her. Howard and Robin got some laughs out of that impression. Howard and Robin seemed to like that one.
Howard played one of a guy doing a Doug Hurwitt impression. The guy's impression was of Doug talking about how slow he is at updating the HowardStern.com web site.
Howard said they're still taking entries in the contest. He said there was one that a guy did of Gary that he really liked. He played that one and it was a pretty good impression where the guy kept saying ''Can I say something?'' over and over. Howard said the impression wasn't great but the ''Can I say something'' was pretty accurate.
Howard played a Dave Lampert impression. That guy was pretty good too. Howard and Robin got some laughs out of that one. Howard said he thought it was pretty good. He said it's going to be hard to judge.
Howard asked Robin which one she liked. Robin had a bunch that she liked. Howard said there were some really good ones in there.
Jim Breuer And Billy Mira Visit. 05/22/06. 9:30am
Howard introduced Jim Breuer and said that he brought in a special guest, David Lee Roth (Billy Mira). Jim came in and told Howard that he doesn't get to see Howard much there at SIRIUS, he just gets quick glimpses through the window once in a while.
Howard moved on to ''David Lee Roth'' and asked him about what he's doing these days. David said that he's doing some concerts now and he's going to continue his radio career with his new show that he'll be doing out of his truck. It'll be a CB radio show. Howard said that it's interesting that he went from CBS radio to CB radio. Robin said that he'll eventually be doing just C radio.
David brought some clips from his CB radio program for Howard to play. Dave said there is no schedule and that's the magic part of it. If he sees something going on, he'll just get on the CB and start talking. Yesterday he figures his audience was about 3 people. Artie said that they're estimating that he'd double that audience by the end of the year.
Howard played the clip of David doing his CB radio show. One guy told Dave that he doesn't want him tying up his channel with his radio program, they need it for traffic. In a second clip Dave was playing a trucker game where he had to guess what type of horn the truckers were blowing. Howard asked him if he can get good guests on his show. Dave said that he stopped at a truck stop the other day and picked up some hookers and tried to help them out.
Howard broke Dave out of character and said that was actually Billy Mira. Billy also does a great Ozzy Osbourne impression so he did a little of that. Howard asked Billy why he never auditioned for Saturday Night Live. Billy wasn't sure why he never did. Those are the two big ones that Billy does but he also does a Vince Neil impression. Artie said you never hear anyone doing an impression of that guy.
Howard asked Jim if he did impressions on SNL when he was on. Jim said he used to do the Joe Pesci impression but that was about it. He said this stoner intern dude suggested that he do that on the Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald. That led to him doing the character on the show and Pesci eventually did a sketch with him.
Howard asked Jim if he does the scene from Goodfellas where Joe Pesci is talking to the guys. Artie knew the scene but he doesn't do the Pesci impression very well. He got Jim started and Jim got into the scene a little more. They had some fun with that and talked about Pesci for a short time. Howard wondered why Joe isn't working these days. Artie thinks that he's happy being retired and doesn't want to work that much anymore.
Howard asked Jim if he hates David Spade because he heard that he said something about him not possibly banging Heather Locklear. Jim said he doesn't believe in all of that Hollywood couple stuff and can't believe that Spade was banging her. He said that Heather still looks amazing these days.
Howard said that he would like Jim to do the Pesci character in a radio sitcom for his channel. Howard said that Billy could do the Bobby D character and it would be great.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave the guys some advice for the CB radio show thing. In the clip earlier 'David Lee Roth' said ''good buddy'' and that's gay talk. Another caller said that he wanted to let David Lee Roth know that the CB radio program would be great. It sounded like the guy had no clue that it was Billy doing the impression. Howard asked David if he thinks that he could get up to 100 people listening at one time. David said he thinks he could do that if he kept up the entertainment.
Howard took another call from a guy who wanted to talk to ''David Lee Roth'' who was apparently another one who had no clue that Billy was doing the voice. The caller asked Dave how many chicks he banged down in Savanna Georgia when he did a show out there. Dave never gave an answer to that, Howard moved on before he could.
Another caller asked about the Joe Pesci sitcom that Howard was talking about. Howard said he thinks that it's time for Pesci to return and they're going to try and make that happen with or without the real Joe Pesci.
Howard read that Jim has a problem with Chris Rock so he asked Jim about that. Jim said that when he was on SNL he did a couple of weeks at MTV and got noticed a lot more after doing that than he ever did while he was on SNL. Around that time Chris Rock had called him to do a sketch and he had to turn it down. Then he did a show with Chris where he told him that he was supposed to do MTV and then do Saturday Night Live, not the other way around. He was giving him a dig in front of the whole audience and he didn't think it was cool. Jim was doing his Chris Rock impression while he told the story and it was a pretty good impression of him.
Howard asked Jim if he's still enjoying doing the SIRIUS show. Jim said he loves it. He even gets to do the show from his parents house sometimes. He said that he can't even listen to regular radio anymore. That got Howard talking about the indecency bill that was just passed and how that's really going to ruin terrestrial radio. They never fought back against the FCC and it's going to bite them in the ass.
Jim said that he has to thank Howard for coming to SIRIUS because he runs into so many people who got it just for his show. Now he has even more people listening to his show thanks to Howard. That led to the guys talking about how much stuff there is to listen to on SIRIUS and how no one is really competing against anyone else there. Robin was talking about the Spa channel she listens to and the Jazz channel she was listening to over the weekend. She said that they didn't play one bad song on there. Artie asked her how that's possible, did they not play any jazz songs at all?
Howard asked Jim about this bit he does on his show where they have comedians come in and do covers of their favorite comedians bits. Jim told Howard that he and his co-host Pete Corealle came up with that idea. He said that he did a Sam Kinison bit that was his favorite. He did the bit and did a bit of a Kinison impression while he was doing it. Howard said that Ralph comes over to his apartment sometimes and does his favorite Chris Rock bits and it's funny. Artie appeared on Jim's show and did a Norm Macdonald bit.
Howard asked Jim how he hooked up with Billy Mira. Jim said that he used to be in a band years ago and learned about Billy back then. He heard that Billy did David Lee Roth on Howard's show and thought that was great. Jim said that their new show will be on Raw Dog Comedy (Channel 104) on SIRIUS on June 4th and they'll be doing a heavy metal karaoke thing on there. They will have a live metal band there to play the music for them. You can find out about that at HeavyMetalManShow.com
Howard asked Jim if he's still married. Jim said that he's been married for 13 years now and has 3 daughters. He lives out in Chester, New Jersey. He said he gets to work out of his parents house 3 times a week or so and even prank calls his parents from their own basement. Howard said that you can find some of Jim's comedy dates at BreuerUnleashed.com. He also gave Billy a plug for his web site BillyMiraComedy.com and then went to commercial break.
In the clip Howard asked Jackie to go ahead and read from Robin's book. Jackie, doing his best Robin impression, read some of her book where she talks about meeting this guy and having a very quick courtship. Jackie was doing the impression over the top so it sounded nothing like Robin. Robin had written about how she had sex with this guy in a car at the beach and realized that she was parked next to a truck and she knew they were being watched. She didn't feel the least bit embarrassed about it even though they were being watched and had guys applauding them when they were done.
Howard and Jackie spent a minute talking about that scene. Howard said that was some read Jackie did. Howard said he had to take a break a short time later. Robin said she's going to come in there and beat Jackie.
Today's Impressions Week was over around 10:30am.
First up on Impressions Week they played a segment from 2006 when Craig Gass visited. Here's my rundown from 2006:
Comedian Craig Gass Visits. 06/20/06. 9:25am
Howard said that Craig Gass called him last night and said he wanted to come in as Kinison and just leave after 5 minutes or so. Howard said Craig has never left after 5 minutes. Craig came in and said that the 5 minute thing came up because Howard always says they're not interested in his regular life.
Howard said he made the mistake of giving Craig his phone number. Howard asked Craig if he wanted to do his Kinison but Sal and Richard told him to do his Tracy Morgan impression. Craig said the guy is great but he's filled with non-sequiturs. He did a little bit of that impression and told some stories about Morgan and his wacky stories. He said you never know what the guy is talking about.
Craig told a story about trying to impress a girl he was on a date with by introducing her to Tracy Morgan. It was a big mistake because Tracy asked her if she was going to suck Craig's dick that night. Artie said he once played a softball game with Norm MacDonald and Tracy Morgan and the guy was just smiling and having fun talking about how the crowd was mortified watching them play.
Artie said that Tracy had his own show for a while but it's easy for people to forget who you are even when you have your own show. Richard said Craig once took Gary the Retard to a Saturday Night Live party and introduced him to some people. Craig said sometimes he doesn't have anyone to hang out with so someone has to hang out with him. Sal and Richard said they hang out with him sometimes when they do comedy shows. The last time they hung out they took him out golfing and were putting eggs down instead of balls. They taped it but haven't given it to Doug Goodstein at In Demand yet.
Craig told a story about dressing Gary the Retard up as Hitler and sending him out on stage at a comedy show. They didn't tell Bob Levy about it before the show so he was surprised when Gary walked out doing the Heil Hitler thing. Craig said they took him to the airport one time and asked him what they taught him. Gary was in the middle of the airport doing the Heil Hitler thing in the middle of the airport.
Craig said that Gary sometimes comes up with brilliant stuff and told a story about him asking KC about what kind of drink he had and if he was going to gamble with him. The guys didn't think Craig's story showed anything brilliant so they asked him to get back to his Tracy Morgan impression.
Richard said he loves Craig's impression of Paul Stanley from KISS. Craig did a little bit of that and also did his Gene Simmons impression. Sal said Craig throws in other impressions in the middle of those when they're out doing shows. Craig did his Gilbert Gottfried impression and did a little more of the Paul Stanley stuff.
Howard said he can't believe what a heart Craig has because he actually takes care of Gary the Retard. Craig thought Howard might do that but Howard said he'd probably lock him up in a closet.
Gary got an IM from Kidd Chris who said that he and Craig got chlimydia from the same chick. Sal said that Craig is gross because he once showed his bloody finger and said that he had fingered a chick who was on her period. Craig denied that but Richard said it was true.
There was a story about Sal getting this chick to come up on stage to get spit on one time. After she did that Craig banged her. Craig said he was single at the time and was banging a lot of chicks. Sal said that he'll fuck anything he can because the chicks aren't all good looking. He said that one chick looked like Bela Lugosi.
Howard asked Craig to go into his Sam Kinison impression and do some of his material. Craig will be on Jim Breuer's show later this week doing the Kinison thing. They have comedians on to do tributes to their favorite comedian acts. Craig will close the show with his Kinison stuff.
Sal said that Craig does the Kinison scene from ''Back to School'' really well so Howard had him do that. Craig started to do it but went off on a tangent when he brought up Dice Clay. Howard stopped him and asked him to stick to the actual scene. Craig did the parts of the scene that he could remember and impressed the guys.
Howard wondered why Craig is going on Breuer's show doing his Kinison bits instead of putting together show on Broadway. That led to Howard talking about how he was thinking about making a Sam Kinison movie years ago but some people in Hollywood thought it was too soon. Howard thought that Robin Williams would have played Sam great but no one wanted to do that.
Jessica Hahn called in so Howard asked her if she would be part of this Broadway show he's thinking about. She said she could do that and she'd even clean up his shit on stage. Howard told Craig if he just stuck to the bits the show would be great.
Howard gave Craig some plugs for some upcoming shows. You can find out more details at IHateComedians.com. A caller told Howard that Craig had gotten that scene from ''Back to School'' wrong and explained what he had wrong. Howard found the audio clip from the actual movie and played that to see how off Craig actually was. He wasn't far off.
Craig did another Sam Kinison bit that they did on Saturday Night Live one time. That got the guys talking about how unbelievable it is that he's gone. Both he and Rodney Dangerfield are gone and Howard couldn't believe it. Artie remembered the day that Sam had died and how he wanted to stay up and hear Howard talk about him dying. Artie remembered details of that day and some of the jokes that Howard told that day to lighten the mood.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Craig to do his Al Pacino impression. Craig did a little bit of that and then Ralph called in and complained about him not getting the lines from that one movie right. Craig, as Sam, went off on Ralph about being 40 and not being able to get his life right.
Howard wrapped up with Craig and gave him a few plugs for his upcoming gigs and web site. He went to break a short time later.
Audio Clips And Various Discussions. 03/23/06. 7:05am
Howard said that New York City's air has the highest cancer risk according to an article in the paper today. He interrupted that discussion when he and Artie started doing their Dice impressions. Howard played some audio of Dice going off on someone on CNN when he was being interviewed. He ended up using the F-word and cursed the guy out when he was asked if he was running a gym. Artie thought that was pretty funny. Howard said he thought the clip he played yesterday from CNN when they had a fire in the studio was pretty good. He replayed that one where the reporters had to bail out of the studio because they had a fire in there.
Clips From The Fast Food Show With Jon And Jason. 04/06/10. 8:15am
Howard said his parents go to KFC. He did his father's voice talking about how they go out for that KFC so his mother doesn't have to cook. Howard did his mother's voice too during that discussion. Howard said his father tells him there are a lot of black people at KFC. Jason said the great thing about KFC is that it's like the same place that was around 40 years ago.
The guys showed a picture of the KFC Double Down and they read about the nutrition facts and how much fat was in it. Jason didn't seem to care. He said he's just enjoying himself. Howard said he heard Jason bought a bike. Jason said he did but the seat is killing him. He said he needs one of those wide seats. They told Jason he'd have to bike to Kentucky to make a difference.
Howard got back to his parents and did his impression of them talking about the different places they go out to during the week. Howard was doing both voices and had them talking to Robin. He kept saying ''what?'' for his father since he's hard of hearing these days. Robin was asking questions about where they go and Howard would explain this stuff to her with both parents.
Robin and Howard kept that up for a few minutes. Robin was carrying on this conversation like she was actually speaking to Howard's parents. Howard was complaining about some of the places they go to. They go to a frozen yogurt shop and Ben brings his own blueberries with him. They don't like the coffee there though. They like the shop but not the coffee.
Howard had his parents talking about the old days when they first found out about KFC when it wasn't even called KFC. Howard said his father bought stock in the company way back when they were first starting out as a franchise. Howard had his mother, Ray, talking about how she likes dark meat. Howard had Ben talking about going out to dinner with his son and how they love doing that too. Ray was talking about how she loves Howard and Beth and how terrific Beth is. She was complaining about the amount of food they get. Howard had her saying that she doesn't eat a lot of food like that.
Howard said he has to order for his father these days. He said he can't do anything at a new restaurant. Robin said that's odd. Howard said his mother will have a beet salad or something like that. Howard said his father will have the fish.
Ralph called in and said he loves it when his parents don't hear each other. Ralph was laughing as Howard was doing the impression. Howard said if he calls his dad at home he'll ask him a question and he'll say he can't hear him and calls Ray to come to the phone to talk to him instead.
In the clip Howard played a tape of Beetlejuice doing a few impressions for someone. The clip was short and all of Beet's impressions sounded the same.
Jim Breuer Visits. 04/08/09. 8:35am
After the break we heard a Jerky Boys prank call. Howard came back and had Jim Breuer come in. Howard said that Jim still has a show there but he's doing just one day a week now. Howard asked Jim if he's watching this American Idol show. Jim said that it's too faggy for him.
Howard said he thinks that Jim should do a Goat Boy film. Jim told Howard to make it happen and he'll do it. Howard does have a production company.
Howard said that Jim probably didn't network with the right people when he was on SNL. Howard told him that he should have hooked up with Adam Sandler. Jim said that Sandler was gone by the time he got there.
Jim said that the people who hired him over there actually left. He said that they all left him hanging. Howard said that Tracy Morgan has ''30 Rock'' now and he should have something like that. Jim did an impression of Tracy that was pretty good. Jim said that Tracy is very funny and maybe one of the funniest guy's he's ever been around off stage.
Jim said that Tracy used to make fun of Lorne Michaels and make fake threats toward him in the elevator. Howard said that he sat next to Tracy at a Knicks game and he's very funny just throwing comments out there.
Jim did some more impressions of Tracy and told some stories about hanging out with him. Jim said that he and Tracy used to hang out and Tracy would tell him he was from the ghetto and he didn't really get it until they went to a Met game one time. Tracy loves attention. Jim said he doesn't like attention but Tracy is constantly drawing attention to himself. Jim said they'd go to a game on the train and Tracy would be yelling about stuff and drawing attention to himself.
Jim said that they got to the Met game and he figured Tracy must be from the ghetto because the scalpers all came walking their way. Jim said he got spooked out for a second but then they asked Tracy if he was King Dog from the hood. They didn't know him from SNL, they knew him as a scalper and a crack dealer.
Howard said that Jim is an amazing impressionist because when he does Tracy, his face becomes Tracy. Jim said that anyone he's a fan of he can do that way. Howard said that Jim used to do that great Joe Pesci impression on SNL and he really looks like him when he does it. Howard said it's not just the voice, it's the face too. Jim said he just does what he sees and hears.
Howard said that Jim becomes the guy. He said it's amazing. Howard wondered why his career never took off. Jim said that he just got an agency recently. Howard said that he wants to understand the 3 year plan he has and he wants to be a Jim Breuer promoter.
Jim said that he's going to redevelop himself now. He said that he got an agent, UTA, and they're very legitimate. He said that he doesn't have to pay them for head shots or anything like that. He fell for that stuff when he was younger.
Jim said that the people at UTA heard him on Howard's show and they told him that when he went in for the meeting. Howard asked Jim if today is on the plan. Jim said that not today. He said that he was going to get back into stand up and he's only doing the SIRIUS show one day a week on Friday. Jim said the plan was to go out for a year and develop a new act. Then he was going to film a one hour special. Jim said that the special is going to air on April 25th. He said it's called ''Clearing the Air.''
Howard asked Jim if he's doing the Joe Pesci impression in his act. Jim said he did that in the last act and Joe isn't out there doing anything anymore so he's not doing it. Howard said he could do Joe Pesci in retirement or in the nursing home or something. Jim did some of his Joe Pesci and goofed around with that for a short time.
Howard asked Jim if anyone from SNL stays in touch with him now. Jim said that no one even calls him to say hi. He said that Tracy was his best friend over there when they worked together. Jim said that Tracy used to complain about all of the other guys getting movies and stuff. Jim said that he actually auditioned for one segment on ''30 Rock'' and he didn't get it. He was going to play Tina Fey's retarded brother and Andy Richter got the part.
Jim said he thought he was going to get the part. Howard asked how he played it. Jim said that you never go ''full retard'' in an audition. Howard asked him how he did it. Jim said that he wasn't actually retarded, he was just in a skiing accident so he never fully recovered and he was stuck at 17 years old.
Howard asked if Tina Fey was there when he was doing the audition. Jim said that she wasn't there but just about everyone else was there. Jim said that Tina was only there the last year he was there. He said that she was wanted everywhere and she was very busy all the time.
Jim said that the first time he saw Tina on Weekend Update he had to check his eyes because she didn't look like the chick he knew as a writer. Jim said he thinks that they just dolled her up a bit for the show. Howard asked if any of the guys tried to hit on her. Jim said she made it known that she wasn't for sale back then.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who had Tracy Morgan audio clips but it fell apart about 5 seconds in so Howard hung up.
Howard asked Jim what he wants to do now. Jim said he'd like to be in movies and do funny movies. Howard asked if he wants to be the new Tim Allen. Jim said he wants to be in a Meatballs type of movie like Bill Murray was. He said that's the kind of thing he's looking to do.
Howard said there's no reason he shouldn't be doing that kind of thing. Jim said that they're hoping to generate some interest in him when the special comes out. Jim said that they hope to get him some work after that.
Howard told Jim not to bring his father with him once he does start getting interest again. Jim said that his father was a great guy and he would bring him around because he was fun to be around. Howard said that he'd bring him around and introduce him to big stars and stuff. Jim said that he introduced him to John Goodman one time. His father was a garbage man and he'd always tell people that he was the driver, he didn't get his hands dirty.
Jim said that he brought his father to SNL and things like that. He said that his mother wanted him to take accounting to use as a back up. He said he took it for like 3 hours but then dropped out. Jim said that he was good at math until about 9th grade and then no one is good at it.
Howard asked Jim about bringing his dad to SNL and how that went. Jim said that he'd bring in some awful beer on the plane with him. He said that he brought his dad to meet John Goodman that one time and he was ticked off because he forgot his beer and had to go out and buy more. Jim said they went strolling past John Goodman while his father had a six pack of beer in his hand. He said he kind of shuffles too. He said that his father asked if he could say hello to John. Jim told him to go ahead. Then his father, with the beer in his hand, said hi to Goodman and offered him a brewski to ''start the day off right.'' Jim said that he was sweating by that point.
Jim said that John Goodman said he'd love a beer. Jim said that his father asked John if he has an Elks club where he lives. Goodman said that he was the Elks of the year. The two of them were talking about what it takes to be an Elk and stuff like that.
Jim figured that his father was going to go home with this great story to tell. Jim said that he had to go off to rehearse and left his father with Goodman. He said he figured that maybe they'd get along so well that they'd hang out. Jim said he went to find his dad and found him all pissed off in his dressing room. Jim said his father told him that the ''fat fuck'' had drank 5 of his beers. He was all pissed off at Goodman for doing that.
Jim said that he never knows what's going to come out of his father's mouth. He said that at one of the last shows he did they had Paula Abdul on the show. He said that she was there and it was the end of the party they have after the show. Jim said he went to the bathroom and when he came back his father, who likes to get dirty with people, was hanging out with Paula Abdul. Jim said that she told him that he was so nasty but so adorable. Paula told him that his father had just told her that if he was 20 years younger he'd be all over her like a dog.
Jim said his father saw the laughter and thought he'd do more. He went up to Paula and asked her if she wanted him to be her puppy. Paula wanted to hear more so his father started to tell her what puppy was. He said that's when she sniffs his ass and he just growls. She loved it all and his father kept going with that stuff.
Howard asked Jim if his father ever met Lorne Michaels. Jim said that he had him to the first show he was ever on and he ended up getting cut that night. His father wanted to know why he got cut and said that the show sucked. Jim said he didn't care about that so much but his father was all worked up over it.
Jim said that Lorne Michaels was walking out of the party and Jim wanted his father to meet him. His father didn't really know who he was at the time. He said he was walking up to Lorne and he was really nervous about it. He told Lorne his father was there and Lorne said he'd love to meet him. Then his father asked him what kind of name ''Lorne'' was and things like that. Jim did his impression of Lorne while he was telling that story. His father then asked Lorne why his son wasn't on the show that night and how the show sucked. He said that Lorne was a total class act and said that he could assure him that he would be on next week. His father said that he didn't care about the next week because he was there that week. Jim said that Lorne just walked away.
Howard said that you can check out Jim's web site, JimBreuer.com, and buy some of his merchandise there.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy asked if Jim would take over for Artie when he croaks. Howard said that Artie isn't going to croak. The caller said that Artie looked rough when he saw him at Crumbs last month. Howard said that was last month. He said that Artie did 12 push ups and 18 sit ups yesterday. He's going to be fine.
Howard gave Jim some plugs for his Comedy Central special and asked him about his family. Jim said that he's been keeping in touch with them through Skype lately. That led to Howard saying that he should be in a movie called ''Skype Dad'' where he never actually meets the kids in person. Jim said that sounds like a sitcom to him.
Howard talked to Jim about Dave Chappelle and working with him on ''Half Baked.'' Jim said that people thought he was wasted through that movie and he really wasn't. He said that Dave was great and that movie was great. He said that he thought he was going to be huge after he appeared in it.
Jim said that Dave used to tell him that he wanted to be like Mel Brooks with his movies. Jim said that he could still be Mel Brooks if he got back into the movie thing. Jim said that Dave was a great guy to work with because they used to have fun off camera. He said that Dave is great off camera and they should have had some back stage stuff going.
Jim said that he was there with Dave when he drove for the first time. He said that the first time he drove they ended up hitting a car within 5 minutes of going out. Jim said that Dave also took on a dog during the shooting of that movie and it was really bad timing.
Jim said that Dave had this little white Husky that he wanted to call ''Whitey.'' Jim said he just wanted to be able to say ''Hey Whitey, sit down!''
Howard said that they were out at a party one time and everyone was lighting up but when Dave lit up, he was the one who got kicked out of the party.
Jim said that they were staying at a nice hotel up in Canada and he had this white dog with him and the dog ended up taking a big dump on the floor of the lobby. Dave didn't do anything about it. He didn't discipline the dog at all, he just left the dump and piss on the floor. Jim said that the dog was ripping up all of Dave's clothes and shitting on the floor.
Jim said that he was asked to go up to a store where they were going to give him some free clothes. He said that Dave took advantage of that and took as much as he could get. Jim said that they brought the dog with them to this store that they were asked to go to. The dog was ripping up leather jackets that were worth $1,000. Dave would just say he didn't know what to do with that thing. The dog would just rip shit up and Dave would just ignore it.
Jim said that Dave was getting all stressed out from the dog. He said that Esther Roll was staying in the room across from Dave's and he saw her in the hall one night. Jim said that she asked him if he was staying in that room. He said it was Dave Chappelle. She went off on him about the dog and the smell of shit that was constantly coming out of his room. They were trying to get Dave kicked out of the hotel after that.
Jim said that they would bring the dog in the van they took to the set and the dog would be biting the driver's ankles. Dave wouldn't even keep the dog on a leash.
Artie said that they were shooting ''Dirty Work'' up there at the same time they were shooting ''Half Baked.'' Artie said that he remembers seeing Chappelle with the dog and how they ran out of rooms at the hotel because of what was going on. Artie said that he remembers Norm asking about the dog and wondering what was going on with that.
Jim said that Dave signed the dog up for obedience school and sent the dog off to do that. Dave had named the dog ''Monk'' and not ''Whitey.'' So Monk went off to obedience school and Dave was feeling better. Jim said that they were getting to the end of the shoot and Dave asked him to come to his room.
Jim went to Dave's room and he showed him how the dog would listen to him now. He was showing him all of the tricks and stuff. Jim said that they were hanging out on Dave's balcony one day and behind them was the bed. The dog was standing there taking a shit on the bed. Jim said he turned around and saw Dave getting really pissed. He said that Dave went in and got the dog, that went under the bed. He said that he was howling watching this going on. Dave went under the bed and popped back up saying that the dog had left 40 shits under his bed. He said that he had paid $4,000 to teach the dog how to be sneaky. Jim said that Dave couldn't figure out where the smell was coming from in the room even after he had it cleaned.
Jim said that Dave kept that dog and got another dog to keep it company. Howard told Jim he's amazing with those stories. He said he missed Dave after hearing that story.
Jim said he admires what Dave did by getting out of the business. Howard told Jim not to tell his management that.
Howard gave Jim some more plugs and told him this was his best appearance ever. Jim said that he has to pay them because they helped him out with some material this morning.
Artie asked Jim about working on Chappelle's show. Jim said that he actually got fired 10 days before the show aired. He said that Dave used to get these Town Cars to ride in and he hated them. Jim said he had a Ford convertible himself. He said that Dave finally got a car he liked and he showed up at his door at midnight one night.
Jim said they drove over Laurel Canyon and went to a coffee shop, in separate cars. He said that they were talking deep shit and then Dave said that he just saw his car go by. Jim said that his car was out there with the top down and his car didn't go anywhere. He said that Dave told him it was the same color. Dave wanted to check but he told him to calm down. Jim said his car was there when they went out and Dave's car was gone. Jim said that Dave figured the cops had towed it. Jim said that his car must have been stolen. Then things started to fester with Dave and he was pissed that he had just put gas in that mo'fucker. Jim said that Dave used to make him laugh so much with that stuff.
Howard gave Jim some more plugs for his Comedy Central special ''Lets Clear the Air'' which is airing on the 25th of this month.
Howard was about to wrap up but Jim had another story to tell about Lars from Metallica. Jim said that he and Lars used to hang out all the time until one disastrous night when he didn't have the same partying standards he did. Jim said that he had found a knapsack that someone had left on in a cab and he was going to keep it and return it to the owner the next day. Lars didn't understand why he would do that and told him to get rid of it.
Jim said that this kid came up to Lars and asked to bum a cigarette from him. Lars asked the guy if he ever thought that maybe he had worked really hard for that pack of cigarettes. Jim said that Lars was giving him a hard time so Jim figured it was time to get out of there. Then Lars took the knapsack and tossed it across the street with books scattering all over the place. He said that Lars went off on him about taking it.
Jim said that he and Lars went out walking across the street and Lars didn't stop walking as the cars were coming. He said that Lars was yelling at people and cursing them out for not stopping. Then Lars got on top of a car and walked on it. Jim said he didn't know what the guy was doing.
Jim said that he told Lars he has to chill out because he doesn't need that kind of attention. Jim said that they went to this private club and it was kind of dark. Jim said that he's easily star struck too. He said that he was creeped out by this little club he was in. He said they walked in and people like Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow and Dave Matthews were all in there. Jim said that he was going nuts when he saw that. He said that it was this little place and it was like 2 in the morning so he had to get home to his pregnant wife. He said that Lars couldn't believe he was going to leave in the middle of that. Jim said he was never able to get Lars on the phone again after that.
Howard had to wrap up and go to break after that. He told Jim to come back anytime and told him not to forget about them when he gets really big.
And Finally... 03/21/06. 10:40am
At one point Artie was reciting lines from ''The Godfather'' and he had them down almost perfect. Fred played a clip from the movie and Artie was playing along and saying the lines before the character did. He has an amazing ability to remember that stuff. He could probably recite the whole movie. He was doing whole scenes from the movie that lasted for minutes. Howard told him he was really good. He asked him if he could do the whole thing if he set it up on TV. Artie said it's like 2 hours long so he probably couldn't do the whole thing... but he could do most of it.
Howard actually had to stop Artie from doing more of The Godfather stuff. It was getting late in the morning and he wanted to get out of there. He didn't end the show until 11:40am.
THoHS:A3 - The Jackie Puppet. 12/30/09. 6:20am
They played another show clip where Howard said that even Tom Chiusano works the Jackie puppet. He said Tom went into a whole routine when he heard they had the puppet. Howard had Tom come in to do that Jackie puppet routine. Howard said he's not bad with it either. Tom came in and took the puppet and did an impression of Jackie doing his contract negotiation thing. Tom did that for a couple of minutes. Howard said he was keeping it short for the radio but he had even more of a routine.
Howard Talks To ''Governor Schwarzenegger.'' 04/22/05. 7:00am
Howard came back from break and got ''Governor Schwarzenegger'' (an impersonator) on the phone. Arnold wanted to back Howard on his idea to get rid of the moon. Howard talked to the impersonator as if he was the real guy about stuff that he's been in the news about lately. Schwarzenegger talked about how he would like to close the borders to keep out illegal immigrants so they talked about that for a few seconds. Howard got to the moon stuff. Howard said that if the moon was gone, the tides and even women's periods would be alleviated. Arnold told Howard that because of Howard, he is going to take credit for getting rid of the moon. He's going to propose a bill that will push to get rid of the moon. Arnold said that they don't need the tides, they just come in and go out. Howard was also talking about how they have a red tide out by him and getting rid of the moon would get rid of that. Robin told Howard that the moon has nothing to do with that. Arnold said that they really don't need the moon because no one is going there anymore and our flag is the only one there. He was also happy that they could help get rid of women's menstrual cycles by getting rid of the moon. Howard was happy that Arnold was taking all of this seriously(?) and he was very happy that he called in so early this morning. He let him go a short time later.
And Finally... 02/13/07. 9:55am
Howard played some audio clips from Sour Shoes' radio show last night. He was doing his Scott Ferrall voice and went into some songs as a tribute to Sal and Richard. He was switching between that Ferrall voice and his singing voice without skipping a beat. Artie thinks that Sour Shoes is so good that he should audition for Saturday Night Live or shows like that. They need guys who can do voices like that. Howard played some more of him doing the Ferrall impression. He also does a ''Jokey the Jack Man'' impression of Jackie the Joke Man that's actually very good. It had Artie laughing when he heard him. Robin thought that Jackie impression was very good as well.
Howard said that Sour Shoes used to follow him around on the street when he'd walk around had he had to pull him to side one day and tell him to back off. Artie said he remembers seeing him with a big keyboard hanging on his shoulder and a baseball mitt on one hand. Howard told him that he would have him on the show one day but he had to leave him alone out on the street.
Howard played some more of Sour Shoes doing his Ferrall impression and then said that the guy used to cook pancakes in front of K-Rock and Artie would actually eat them. Artie said he never did that. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
Comedian Craig Gass Sits In For The News. 01/12/04. 9:50am
Howard said that Craig Gass was in to hang out with them during the news. Howard went on to talk about how The Amazing Kreskin has the same birthday as he does so he made some predictions about him. He predicted stuff like Howard will wear an unmatched pair of shoes this year. He'll have a gay wedding on his show, he'll turn down an offer to host the Academy Awards and he'll be hit with two paternity suits. Howard said he knows that Kreskin can't predict the future so he's not worried about that stuff.
Howard asked where Craig Gass was since he wasn't rushing to get in there. Craig came in smiling so Howard wondered why he was so happy. Craig said he's happy because he's working. He told Howard he's on ''Las Vegas'' tonight with Alec Baldwin. He's also hosting a Super Bowl party at the end of the month and is in a couple of national commercials with Smirnoff and AT&T M-Life.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Craig about his Sam Kinison impression. Craig said that sometimes when he brings up the Late Great Sam Kinison in his show, he'll always hear one ''Who?'' from the crowd. Howard said he might need to get some new impressions that the younger crowd will get. Robin suggested that he just start doing Kinison's act as Sam. Howard told him it would be like a tribute show. Craig said he has been told to get a fat suit and dress up like Sam to do his act. Howard had Craig do his Kinison impression and do one of his comedy bits. He did a bit about Ethiopia and how they're only going to have sand there. It was just like Kinison's and it sounds amazingly like Sam. Howard was pushing Craig to do the tribute thing. He moved on to do Robin's news. Craig hung around to comment on the news and do his impressions. You can find out where Craig is appearing by visiting his web site IHateComedians.com.
Comedian Nick DiPaolo Sits In During The News. 06/02/04. 9:15am
Comedian Nick DiPaolo (NickDip.com) came in to hang out during the news. Howard was saying that Stuttering John suggested that Nick try out for his job before he left. Howard said Nick doesn't need a job like that, he's a pretty successful comedian. The guys goofed on Stuttering John for a couple of minutes after that. Nick said he's making like $1,100 a week now so he's making about $500 more than John was making when he was there. Nick also said he thought that John liked his stand-up comedy. Fred was doing an impression of John and goofed on him a little bit more. Artie threw in a dig at him as well and joked that John could have suggested Kelsey Grammar to replace him. George Carlin and Chris Rock were also suggested. Artie did his impression of Chris Rock and what he might sound like if he replaced Stuttering John.
Howard said John came to him and suggested that ''Nig'' try out for his job. He didn't know who he was talking about. Howard went on to talk about how John would use the show as a way to get comedy shows together and he'd get guys like Nick to work with him. Those guys would have to kiss his ass because he was able to fill the clubs.
Nick said he and Artie might see John out in L.A. Soon because they're doing a gig out there. Howard noticed that Nick had a tattoo on him that was hard to figure out. Nick showed it to Howard and it looked kind of like a skull or something. Fred continued to goof on John by doing his impression of him for a couple of minutes. He was relentless in his stutters and snorting. He had Artie laughing hysterically as he did his pig-snorting stutters. Howard was laughing pretty hard as well.
Howard said that John told him that Nick could use the plugs so that's why he might take that job. Nick thought Fred's impression of John was pretty funny and it was scary how close it was to the real John. Fred was pretending to be John telling Nick how to answer the phones and stuff like that.
Gary came in and said that John used to brag about how he would guide certain phone callers to talk to Howard in a certain way and stuff like that. Howard said that must be why the phone calls aren't quite as polished as they used to be. Nick wondered what his job paid because John had a really nice house. That led to Howard goofing on Jay Leno for stealing John over to his show and what a douche he was for doing that. The guys were goofing on the way John says names like Nick and Nicolas as ''Nig'' and ''nig*erless'' when he speaks.
Howard asked Nick what he's been up to lately. Nick said he's been traveling a lot doing Stand-up. He's also got a cartoon show on Comedy Central called ''Shorties Watching Shorties'' that's produced by Denis Leary's production company. Nick said the show has been getting good ratings lately. Nick was over in Japan on a USO tour as well. He said that they're very polite over in Japan and it's amazing what a couple of A-bombs will do to people.
Howard gave Nick a couple of plugs for the other stuff he has going on. He's appearing on Comedy Central's ''Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn'' and he's appearing at Caroline's on Broadway every Wednesday in June. Howard had to take a break before getting to Robin's news.
The guys continued to goof on Stuttering John during the news. Fred was still doing his impression of him during some of the news stories that Robin brought up.
Darth Nihilus Clips, Song Parodies And More. 06/20/07. 6:50am
One caller asked Howard to change the subject and brought up Darth Nihilus. Howard did that and played the clip of Gary Garver interviewing a guy who was playing that character at a Star Wars convention. Howard had a song parody to the tune of Eminem's ''My Name Is...'' where they threw in the ''I'm Darth Nihilus'' clip. They also had a prank call where they had a telemarketer call them to pitch their stuff. The woman tried to find out if he wanted to learn how to get a degree but they jerked her around with the guy who does the Darth Nihilus thing.
Howard played a bunch of songs where they threw in the Darth Nihilus clips. That had Artie laughing a bit. Howard said that he played a clip of that character talking in the Star Wars video game he's from and you can't even understand a word he says. He played that clip again and said that the woman in the game has a subtitle under her but Darth Nihilus doesn't. He played even more songs that they threw the ''I'm Darth Nihilus'' clip into. Robin said they really have to meet that guy. Howard wondered if the guy knows that they're into him this much. Robin figures he has no idea.
Howard also played a clip of this guy who is in a Gamorrean Guard outfit and wearing a mask so he can't hear and his voice is all muffled. That's where Howard and Artie got the idea to cover up their mouths and talk like one of the Star Wars guys. Howard said that he didn't know what a Gamorrean Guard was until yesterday. He thought that they were the guys in white outfits but those guys are Stormtroopers. He said that this guy is playing a troll like character that he's never even noticed in the movies. Howard started covering his mouth and muffling his voice again. He goofed on the Gamorrean Guard guy for a short time.
Howard and the guys were talking about those Star Wars conventions and wondered if George Lucas shows up to them. Gary said he heard that Carrie Fisher shows up to some of them. Howard was talking about all of that with his muffled voice. He said he had to take a break but he had one more caller who wanted to talk to Sal. The caller said that he should nip this shit in the bud because you can't trust these bitches. Robin said there was a woman who called into the Wrap Up Show that said she was in a similar situation where she ended up running off with the emotional friend because he came in at the right time when she and her husband were having problems. Howard went to break a short time later.
Robin's News. 03/26/09. 10:20am
Robin had a story about Octomom firing some people who were working for her as nannies. Robin had some audio of one woman talking about the firings and about what's going on in that house. The audio quality of that woman sounded kind of like when Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of Robin being heard through the wall in Howard's bathroom.
Howard said that he likes that game where you have to try and guess what Robin and Thea were talking about in the green room. He and Fred did their impressions of Robin talking through the wall with their hands over their mouths. They went back and forth with that stuff for a couple of minutes. They had her name dropping quite a bit. Howard said he's not sure why he likes that game so much.
Howard played more of the audio of the woman being interviewed about Octomom and Fred said that he thought it was someone doing an impression of Robin.
Howard asked Robin if she would take in any of the Octomom's kids. Robin said she's not interested in that. Howard did more of the impression of her in the green room.
Ralph called in and told Howard to give Fred a raise for that impression of Robin. Ralph said that he knew that the two of them were doing it but Fred's impression was great. Howard said he was out if his impression wasn't as good. Fred said that his was funny too.
Ralph said that he loves that Robin is that loud. He said he knows how she can get that way. Ralph said that they were out to dinner one night and some people moved their table because of her getting so loud. Robin said he was lying about that.
The guys all started doing their impressions of Robin talking in the green room. They were all name dropping and goofing on her. Robin was laughing and Ralph told her that she could probably just go home now that they had the impression going.
Howard said he was trying to hear everything that was going on in the green room. He said she had her own show going on in there.
Robin got back to her news and said that maybe she should go out to the green room and do it. Howard said she should. Artie said that this might be the new Ted Kennedy impression. Howard couldn't stop doing it. He and Fred kept it going for a few more minutes.
Robin read a story about Lisa Ling's sister being kidnapped. She was trying to do the story but Howard and the guys were all still doing their impressions of Robin in the green room. Howard said that his worst fear would be hearing Robin saying ''When you see Howard, don't be scared of his face.''
Robin read more about the Lisa Ling story and Howard was saying that he just wanted to see who was the hotter sister. Artie said that he was the same way. Both of them said that Lisa is the hotter one but her sister is pretty hot.
Comedian Pablo Francisco Visits. 09/03/09. 8:55am
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to a Chinese woman asking her to translate clips of Riley Martin talking about the aliens. Fred played some Boston ''Peace of Mind'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that they had comedian Pablo Francisco there. He replaced Artie on MAD TV. Howard said that Pablo has a DVD coming out now so he must be doing something right.
Pablo told Howard how he got the job after Artie left. He said that they told him that Artie had gotten a movie deal and he just took off. Pablo said that they gave him Artie's dressing room so they had to straighten that up for him. He said that the whole place was kind of wrecked when he went in there.
Pablo told Howard that he was on for only 7 episodes. He said that he just replaced Artie for those 7. Howard asked if he felt bad about himself when they took him off. Pablo said his manager wanted to go for a sitcom or something. He said that the rest of the cast weren't even sure if he was going to be coming back.
Howard asked Pablo about growing up in Tucson, Arizona and how he knew he could do the impressions that he does. Pablo said he worked at a pizza place and he was doing impressions there. He said that people liked the stuff he did. He used to do an impression of Aaron Neville for a guy he delivered to. He said that he could get free weed from that guy he did the impression for. Pablo did some of that impression and he found that he could get pot doing that so he did other impressions too.
Pablo said that he used to hate school so he'd wake up around noon and do the impressions at school too. He said he did graduate high school though. He said that he started to do impressions at comedy shows and he was doing things like Kermit the Frog.
Howard said that he also does Arnold Schwarzenegger. Pablo did some of that impression as well. He did that impression as if he were in ''Brokeback Mountain 2.''
Howard said that was a great impression of the movie announcer. He was doing that as he was doing the Arnold impression. Pablo said that's an impression of the late Don Lafontaine. He did some more of that impression and some more of the Arnold.
Howard asked Pablo if he was ever asked to do Saturday Night Live. Pablo said he was under contract for something else called C-TV and he wasn't able to go in for an audition.
Artie said he saw Pablo do the movie guy voice and Arnold in a sketch all at once. He said it was very funny. Howard said he loved that movie announcer voice and he wishes that he was able to do that himself. Howard said he can do the voice so he wondered if he's ever been asked to do it. Pablo said that he has done it on Jay Leno and some other stuff. He said he actually called Don one time and did the impression of him.
Pablo said that Kevin James told him he should keep doing that impression because it's so good. Howard said he also does Casey Kasem. He did some of that impression for Howard and threw in some other voices. Pablo said that Casey's head is huge and his kid has a head just like him. He said his daughter is hot looking but his son looks just like his dad.
Pablo did some of his Dennis Hopper impression and some Chris Rock too. He said that Chris Rock is really hard to do. He did some of that and told Howard he got some of that down.
Pablo said he was listening to Riley earlier and got that voice down a little bit. He said he talks kind of like Foghorn Leghorn. Pablo was doing that voice as the bouncer at Scores too.
Howard asked Pablo if he went to college. He said he went to a United States International University for like 4 months. He said that Jamie Foxx was doing music there when he was there. He did an impression of him a little bit.
Howard asked Pablo if he thinks he should be bigger than he is. Pablo said that the money he's making now is great. He said he met Don Lafontaine one time and hung out at his house for like 6 hours. Pablo said that it was kind of weird talking to the guy. He said he showed him around the house and showed him his ''table of solitude.'' He said that his kid came out and he told them to go and hide and he'd try to find them. He was doing that in that strange voice of his so it was very odd.
Howard said it must be weird to see that guy at home with his kids when he's talking to the kids like a movie announcer. Pablo told Howard that Don was telling him about how marriage is all about finances and things like that.
Pablo told Howard that he and Don went down to his recording studio and he watched him doing his thing for ''24'' box office set. Pablo said that he did it all in his basement and he had it made. Howard said that's an amazing story. Howard said that he must have asked Pablo why he was working so hard when he could just be reading stuff for a living.
Pablo said Don told him that he wanted to take a picture of him because he loved that he did an impression of him. Pablo said that he was in Helsinki and they asked him to say Nonkia over there and he got paid to say that as Don Lafontaine. He said that he got 40 grand for doing that.
Howard asked Pablo if he does Count Dracula from the old movies. Howard said that Gilbert does that. Pablo said he did a Dracula but it was a gay Dracula. He did some of that voice for Howard.
Howard heard that Pablo had prank called Gary one time and fooled him for a few minutes. Pablo said that he did do that and he had Gary fooled into thinking that he was Gary Busey.
Pablo did some impressions of Jerry Seinfeld for Howard. He also did Ozzy Osbourne as if he was at Subway ordering a sub.
Howard asked Pablo why he's not bigger because he has those voices down. Howard said he heard that he might party too hard. Pablo said that he once made the mistake of doing coke in front of some other comedians. He said word got out after that. Artie said that sucks if someone rats on you about that.
Howard asked if he really does a Jerry Springer impression. Pablo did a little bit of that one. Howard asked him to do some other impressions like Danny Glover, Ricky Martin and a couple of others. Pablo said that he does the guy from the Allstate commercials. He did some of that for Howard. He also did a beat box thing with a heart beat and things like that coming from his throat.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Pablo only did 25 minutes on stage at a show last year. Pablo said that's not true. He said that he wouldn't even be there anymore if he only did 25 minutes. Pablo said that he sounds like Michael J Fox and did an impression of him.
Howard talked about how Jewell used to open up for Pablo at some of his early shows. Howard said that every comic must have wanted to bang her. Pablo said that she was living in a bus at the time. He said that he wasn't able to close the deal with her.
Howard asked Pablo if he gets laid on the road a lot. He said he really doesn't. He said that he's kind of paranoid about STDs after his friend showed him something he had one time. Pablo told a story about how a girl once and she tried to convince him that she was pregnant after he faked an orgasm so he doesn't trust people like that.
Howard thanked Pablo for coming in and gave him some more plugs for his DVD and web site. They went to break a short time later.
Robin's News. 09/18/08. 10:00am
Robin got back to her news and read some stuff about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's latest charity donations. Howard said he admires them for doing that and adopting those kids they adopted. He said that they may have too many kids though because it looks like a summer camp when they're running around with all of them.
They were also talking about the Paul Newman salad dressing and how he does that for charity. That led to the guys talking about how Angelina and Brad could bring out their own line of stuff to make money for their charity. They suggested a douche for Angelina or something. Artie said that they could call it the Grillo Douche and started to do his impression of Grillo and Tracy the office manager yelling at each other and Tracy calling him a douche. Fred played the audio clip of their fight where Tracy called him a douche and yelled at him for about 5 minutes. Artie started laughing his ass off when he heard Tracy calling Grillo a ''fucking douche.'' He said that he's had women ream his ass out but not like she did to Grillo.
Howard played a prank call the guys made using clips of Grillo talking to Tracy. The woman on the line had no idea who it was or what he was talking about. Artie was laughing his ass off at that one and ended up sweating from laughing so hard.
Goofing On Vinnie Favale, Chaunce Hayden Calls In And More. 11/11/03. 9:45am
Vinnie Favale came in this morning because KC was going through the love tapes he made for his girlfriend years ago. He said he wanted to supervise the work they were doing with them. He just doesn't want the tapes to get lost so he's taking them with him. Howard and the guys goofed on him about the tapes while Fred played them. Artie did his impression of him and goofed on how he sounds when he's talking to Debbie on the tapes. Kidd Chris said there's one scene where Vinnie says ''Guess what part of the body this is'' and then pans back to show that it's his sack and he's in his tighty whities. Artie took that and ran with it. He was doing the impression of Vinnie saying ''Debbie, I want to show you my taint... Debbie this is my third chin...'' and a bunch of other things. Someone claiming to be Vinnie's wife Debbie called in and said she was sick of hearing them talk about her. Vinnie said that it wasn't her though.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said he's afraid to call the doctor's office to find out if he has cancer or not. He said he pulled up to the office yesterday but had a panic attack and drove away without finding out. Vinnie said he asked if he could get the results over the phone and they told him he had to come into the office. Vinnie said he thinks they just do that so they can charge you for another office visit. Howard told him to see if they could get them to do it on the air. Kidd Chris asked Howard if he would go to Vinnie's funeral. Howard said he would and it's something that Chaunce could look forward to.
Howard and Artie continued to goof on Vinnie's love tapes. Artie continued to do his impression of Vinnie and made some funny comments about the stuff Vinnie could have been showing his girlfriend. They were all cracking themselves up. Artie was laughing his ass off so hard it sounded like he was going to collapse according to Vinnie. Howard threw in a few more clips from the tapes as well. In one clip Vinnie talks about how he's scratching his balls as he's talking to Debbie. Howard threw in some porn movie clips during the segment as well. Kidd Chris said that he doesn't even know Vinnie and he's creeped out by him.
Howard said that Chaunce's doctor wouldn't come on the air with them. The guys suggested that they send him in with a cell phone so they can be there when he gets the news about his cancer. Chaunce later said he'd do that tomorrow morning at 8am when they open. Howard tried to move on to Robin's news but the guys were still goofing on Vinnie. When Robin would bring up a story they'd work Vinnie into it somehow... every single story. Artie was cracking up both Howard and Kidd Chris the whole time. Artie said he was laughing so much that his stomach was hurting. He said he could do it all afternoon though.
Comedian Craig Gass Visits. 02/12/07. 9:05am
Howard asked Craig if he's having a feud with Jim Breuer. Craig said the guy went off on him once on air. Jim had promised to put him on a comedy show he was doing. Then he wouldn't return his calls. Then he claims that Jim forgot he told him he could do that show and thought he was trying to weasel his way into this comedy show. Howard heard that Craig is also on the outs with Bob Schimmel. Craig ended up doing his Paul Stanley and Gene Simmmons impressions during that discussion.
Craig said that he was doing a radio show and saw that Schimmel was calling into this show. Craig did his Gene Simmons impression and Bob was fooled and thought it was the real Gene Simmons. He got on the phone off the air and Bob told him that he had cancer and stuff so Craig stayed in character because he didn't know what else to tell him. Then Bob found out that it was Craig and refused to hang out with him at a show one time because of what had happened.
Howard Goofs On Gary Again. 01/29/09. 7:45am
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it was the funniest thing ever when Gary was making that noise so he wouldn't hear him. The guy asked Howard to do his impression of Gary on the plane the time he fell asleep and woke up asking for orange juice. Howard told the story which was right after he was kicked off the Arsenio Hall show. He needed someone to talk to and Gary ended up falling asleep. Howard did his impression of Gary sucking on his teeth after he woke up. Then he did the impression of Gary asking for orange juice. Howard said Gary fell right back to sleep after that.
Gary said that he wishes that there were one lie in that story but it's all true and very accurate. Howard said that he really needed someone to talk to that day and Gary slept through the flight. Howard said that his agent is great with stuff like that and he would have talked him through all of that. Howard said that Gary was just sucking his teeth and asking for orange juice.
Artie said that you really need someone to talk to after something like that and Gary wasn't there for him. Gary said that he wishes he could have been up for that 6 hour flight to talk to him about it. Howard said that nothing was phasing Gary at all that day.
Howard said that he was escorted out of the building by the police and Gary just slept through that flight. Howard did more of his Gary impression of Gary saying ''Boff... orange juice please.'' Gary said that he woke up when they were landing and he probably slept through that whole flight. He's never slept that well on a flight like that before. Artie said that he did sleep next to him on a flight they were on.
Ralph called in and asked Howard to make fun of Gary's caps like he did the first time at WNBC. Howard did that impression of Gary asking him who told him that he had caps. Howard said that he had told Gary that he knew he had caps from the moment he met him. Gary didn't believe him and thought that someone told him that he had caps.
Gary said that Sal is really shell shocked after what happened earlier. He said that he was upset about Howard bringing up what he did earlier in the show since he didn't want to talk about it on the air.
Howard got back to Gary and goofed on that day that he asked him about his caps. Howard said he had a bunch of people on the phone asking for Gary impressions.
Dominic Barbara asked him to do an impression of Gary walking down the aisle at his wedding. Howard said that it was enough of that. He did an impression of Dominic's ''Mayday'' and then moved on to Johnny Fratto.
In the clip Howard was talking about how uncomfortable it was at the Rainforest concert. He said he was worried about seeing some other celebrities like Robin Williams there. He said that Robin Williams was right on the stage next to him there. Ralph was in the studio and said he doesn't understand that. Howard said if he was a performer he would understand it. Howard spent a little more time talking about that before wrapping up and going to break.
''World's Meanest Listener Contest'' Finals Begin. 12/16/02. 8:20am
Howard moved on to the next contestant who is the only female in the contest. Pamela Demerest is her name. Howard spent a short time talking to her and then played her entry which was a roast of Robin. She said she didn't do the Robin impression though. That was a friend of hers. Her entry was the Robin ''No Talent Celebration.'' Pamela said she doesn't really hate Robin. She also felt bad after meeting all of the entrants.
Today's Impressions Week was over around 10:30am.
First up on Impressions Week they played a segment from 1994 when Howard and Billy West did their Ray Stern impressions.
In the clip Howard was talking about a press conference he had for his movie with a caller. the caller said that his dad was out pre-selling tickets to his movie. Howard said his dad was going around telling people that he knew he was going to be in the entertainment business. Howard did his impression of his father telling him that he couldn't just get into the business without doing things a certain way.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard that his mom was on the phone. Howard picked up and she said that she heard him making fun. She said that his father was trying to help. Howard said he knew he had it in him to do what he wanted to do. Howard told Ray that Ben would tell him he sounded stupid. He said he didn't support him in the way she thinks he did.
Howard said he just wanted to be in front of a microphone talking but his father told him to take acting classes. Howard said he took acting classes and they made him sing ''Row, Row, Row Your Boat'' in front of the class. Howard said he hated high school. Howard said his old man wanted him to take those acting classes. He was doing it in his impression and Ray said that's not the way his father speaks. Howard said that is the way he speaks. Ray was telling Howard that he has an accent too. Ray said she doesn't hear him imitating himself that way.
Then Billy started doing his Ray Stern voice. She asked who that was. Howard told her not to worry about that. Howard did his Ben Stern impression some more and went off on him. Ray said that they raised him and it took a lot to do it. Howard said he would listen to his father and do those things. Howard said he was in the drama class and everyone thought he was a geek. Ray said they didn't think he was a geek. Howard said they did think he was a geek. He said he had to smoke pot and take ludes to get through the day. Howard said his mother doesn't even realize that he's 12 inches taller than the rest of the class.
Ray said when it comes to his father he shouldn't do this. Howard said none of this stuff is untrue. He said that he would get up in front of the class and sing that ''Row, Row, Row Your Boat'' in front of the class and the other kids would look at this ugly, Tiny Tim looking bastard. He said his teacher told him to just sit down after he tried to sing.
Ray said Howard was never shy. Howard said that was in the house. He said when he was in school it was different. Howard said Ray would drive the other kids in the car pool and the other kids wouldn't even talk to her. Ray said they wouldn't even say hello to her. Howard said they didn't like her and they didn't like him. Ray said these kids were zonked out. Howard said they were trying to be cool.
Billy was doing his impression of Ray again so she asked who that was. Howard didn't tell her it was Billy. He said that's what he hears in his head. He said she was hearing his conscience. Howard said he does love his mommy but she doesn't see this stuff. Robin said she doesn't see all of this and she refuses to listen. Ray said that Robin doesn't even know her. Howard said everyone knows her.
Billy did more of his impression and Ray was ready to hang up. Howard said his mom would dress him and not let him wear jeans. Ray said that no one wore jeans back then. Howard said they all wore jeans. Howard said his mom would dress him in these bizarre clothes. Ray said she did not. Howard said he has film. He said that his mom made him cut his hair for Ellen's wedding. He said he was still in high school and she thinks he was in college.
Howard said he had to take drugs to get through school. Ray said she has to go now. She said Howard always wanted to be on the radio and he did it. Howard said he did it but he didn't need to take drama class. Ray said he did take voice lessons. Howard said he had 3 visits with a voice coach. Howard said he is a self made man. Ray said he needed support along the way. Howard said he never said he didn't. Robin backed him up and Ray asked if she's a lawyer now. Billy did more of his impression and then Ray said she had to get going. Ray hung up a short time later.
Gene Simmons, Al Pacino's Baby And Adam Sandler Come In. 11/25/02. 8:30am
The phony ''Gene Simmons'' (Craig Gass) came in this morning to hang out for the news. Howard spent a couple of minutes ''interviewing'' Gene. Gene promoted all of the KISS crap that they've got out now. He said their latest KISS item is a KISS nativity set with all of the members of KISS being Baby Jesus, Mary and all of the other people in the set. Gene went on to say that there will be a KISS Network coming up soon featuring 24 hours of KISS programming. There will be ''KISS Fear Factor'' which will be the members of the band talking about the skanky hos they banged. There will be other KISS programming like the KISS fantasy camp which will only be open to girls 18 to 21 and they'll get to service the members of the band and it will only cost them $4000. Gene has also renamed Christmas ''KISSmas.'' He says that there will also be a new KISS tax coming up so that you won't have to purchase any of their products to make them rich. You'll just give them your money through taxes instead.
Howard let Gene sit in while he went through some other stuff. Howard read an article about a guy who beat his wife with a stale loaf of bread. That story was in one of the tabloids. He read through some other stories from the tabloids too. He said the National Enquirer had a picture of Mini Me, Vern Troyer, walking down the street with his full sized girlfriend who is really hot. Howard said he saw a picture of Paul ''Pee Wee Herman'' Reubens and he's shaving his head now which makes him look like a criminal.
Somehow the Olsen Twins came up in conversation so Howard said he'd like to see them in a movie where they hunt down Osama bin Laden. They goofed on that for a short time before moving on. Howard read that The Bachelor, Aaron Burge, is already cheating on the woman he proposed to at the end of the TV series. Howard and the guys talked about that for a short time. Artie said he's the kind of guy who's going to be getting oral from one of the bridesmaids at the wedding.
Howard skimmed through some other stories in the tabloids.
Howard said Al Pacino's Baby was sitting next to Gene Simmons this morning too. Al's Baby told Howard and the guys that he's been busy writing letters lately. He wrote one to Santa Claus so he read it to Howard but he was apparently on the wrong page of the script. Howard had the baby hand over the script so he could point out where he was supposed to be at. He gave the script back to Craig Gass... I mean Al Pacino's Baby, and he read the script from the right spot. Al's baby said that his daddy held him over the edge of a balcony just like Michael Jackson did with his baby. While he was dangling, his full diaper fell off and hit a woman in the face down on the street. He said his uncle Bobby De Niro saw the woman with the brown face on the street and asked her out. Howard goofed on Craig screwing up and said ''no wonder you haven't been here in months.'' Robin pointed out that his Gene Simmons stuff was good though.
Al Pacino's Baby told a few more jokes about his caca-doody-poopie diapers and stuff like that. Howard gave Craig a couple of plugs for some comedy gigs he has coming up soon. Craig will be appearing at Tommy T's in Concord, California from Wednesday through Sunday of this week. He'll also be at The Bridge Street Music Hall in Syracuse, New York on December 9th. For more of Craig's upcoming appearances check out his web site at IHateComedians.com.
After taking another break Howard came back to do the news with Robin. Craig stuck around to comment on some of the news stories. Howard also talked about Craig's appearance on ''Sex and the City'' a few months ago. Craig said that he was just happy that he was talking in his real voice for a while. Howard said he gets upset when they want him to do his impressions on the show. Howard said he's working on a Baba Booey impression but he hears that it doesn't really sound like him. Craig did some of it but he said it sounds like Al Pacino's Baby. Craig said the Stern fans that see and hear it seem to like it. Craig talked about how people are scared by his Sam Kinison impression because it's so good. He said a guy once wanted him to do his impression in a fat suit in Vegas.
Craig has been working on ''Arnold Schwarzenegger's Retarded Brother'' impression but Howard doesn't want him to do it. Howard said Craig sat down with him during the commercial and said that he wanted to do the voice. Howard said he just doesn't want it because it's no funny to him. Howard had him do it for Robin so she could hear it. Howard told him he sounds French when he does it. Howard said he just doesn't get it. He said he sounds too regular when he's talking and it's not even a good Schwarzenegger impression. Gary said Craig also wants Howard to talk about Craig when he comes in instead of doing the impressions. Howard said Craig seemed to blow though the Al Pacino's Baby without putting his heart into it. Chaunce Hayden called in and said he felt the same way. He seemed to think that he wasn't putting his heart into it right away, he caught himself halfway through and started doing it the right way. Howard figured Craig wanted to be interviewed as himself instead so he did that interview to make Craig happy. Craig said a lot has been going on in his life but he was all screwed up after the discussion about him screwing up the Al's Baby thing.
Crazy Cabbie called in and said Craig was hanging around the station on Friday afternoon and he doesn't even work there. Craig said he was hanging around there recording commercials though. Howard went on to tell a story about this guy who could only do one impression and made tons of money. He said Craig has to do a bunch of different things. Craig said he'd like to do other voices but when he comes in they hand him a piece of paper and tell him to stick to it. He wants to do Adam Sandler and Christopher Walken so Howard told him to just do it. He tried talking to him as Sandler but he didn't get into that either.
Gary heard that Craig does about 20 minutes in a Stuttering John show and he doesn't start doing his impressions until about 18 minutes in. Craig said it doesn't take that long, it's just a few minutes. Stuttering John also came in and said that Craig asked him to do one of his shows and when he was told he could do 10 minutes, he went nuts and wanted more time. Craig said he loves doing stand-up and loves the stage time.
High Pitch Erik called in and said he can do better impressions than Craig can. He did his James Earl Jones and Isaac Hayes impressions. When he does them he sounds like a normal guy talking. Artie asked him if he could do an impression of a guy who takes a shower since he stinks so much.
Howard took calls from Mariann from Brooklyn and some other people who wanted to yell at Craig. After that he said he thinks that Craig is really talented and he loves his impressions. Craig said he'd love to do more of those impressions but he's not allowed to. Howard told Craig to be Adam Sandler for the rest of the show. He said he didn't want to talk to Craig anymore. Craig did his great Sandler impression but after a minute he said he missed talking to Craig.
Howard said he heard that Craig was walking around the station saying that he loves doing the show because it's a good stepping stone to Saturday Night Live. Artie said that he was just the opposite. He used ''Mad TV'' as a stepping stone to Howard's show.
Gene Simmons made another appearance after Howard goofed on Craig for a while. He made some more jokes about the KISS merchandise and had some fun for a little while before Howard took another break. Howard said he needed to do that so ''everyone'' could settle down. Craig, as Gene, said ''everyone meaning Craig Gass?'' Of course that's what Howard meant when he said ''everyone.''
In the clip Howard talked about how Jackie had been reading Robin's book to him in the car on the way to a movie. Howard said Jackie thought he was going to split his side laughing but it wasn't that hard. Jackie said it was too that hard.
Howard had Jackie read some of Robin's book ''Quivers: A Life.'' He read from Chapter 6 ''The Two James.'' Jackie went into his Robin impression and read a bit of the chapter in that voice. Howard was cracking up as Jackie did his thing. Jackie was going way over the top with the impression. Robin asked if he was adding words to the reading. Jackie said he was reading it word for word. He had Robin cracking up at the impression too.
Howard said Robin likes her words being read. Jackie kept going and went even more over the top with the impression. He was laughing at what he was reading as he went through it. Howard asked Robin if she wanted to hear another reading. Robin said that was very funny so she did want to hear more.
Jackie read more of Robin's book in that crazy impression. He had Robin and Howard cracking up. Jackie was reading about this outfit Robin was wearing for a date she was going on. Jackie would go through it and have Howard cracking up. Jackie said he hopes no one else picks the other passage he wanted to read. Howard told him to do another one now. Jackie said he didn't want to over do it though. Howard told him to save it then. He said it's obvious he wants to read more though.
Jackie read another little bit from Robin's book where she talked about losing her virginity. Jackie was cracking up reading that stuff. He had Howard laughing but Robin didn't sound quite as amused now. She said ''How dare you read my stuff.'' Jackie read about Robin having sex and how excruciating the pain was.
Jackie wrapped up and everyone applauded. Howard said he loves reading that stuff out loud. Howard said Robin has given him a purpose in life. He said it's funny when Jackie reads it. Jackie said there's a party in every paragraph. Howard said he relishes every page. Robin said she heard from him that he was only reading about 1 page every 15 minutes because he was absorbing it all. Howard said he didn't realize he was having so much fun with the book.
Stuttering John said that everyone was calling and saying how great this stuff is. Some people were saying that Jackie should stop putting his own jokes on his CDs and put this on there instead. Howard said that he finally found something he's good at. He said the fans can't get enough of this. He should have done that on Star Search. They wrapped up a short time later.
Mariann From Brooklyn's Radio Show Clips. 07/22/08. 6:00am
Howard started off the show talking about Mariann from Brooklyn's radio show that was on last night. He didn't get to listen to the whole thing but he heard clips of it. He said that she's been hocking him for a show for a couple of years now so they finally gave her the shot.
Howard said that Jason told him that she had no plan other than to take phone calls. Howard said Tim Sabean went running into the studio when Mariann came in and used the term ''quarter hour sweep'' and Mariann didn't have any idea what he was talking about. He said that he had to remind Tim that it's Mariann from Brooklyn and this is satellite radio so he shouldn't have to worry about what she does. Artie said it would be funny if she picked up a broom and started sweeping every quarter hour.
Howard said that they were telling her all of this stuff 5 minutes before she went on the air. Artie did his impression of Mariann and what it may have sounded like last night. Howard said that Mariann's voice sounds like the old days when he'd hit the delay and their voices would sound like they were under water. Artie did some more of her impression and it was pretty harsh. Howard said that Mariann got the title of Mother of the Wack Pack but he's not sure where that even came from.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that her voice was brutal even though she seems like a nice person. That got Artie doing more of his impression and going off on that guy. The caller said that he really couldn't take the show but he did give it a shot. Howard played some of the audio from her show a short time later.
In the first clip Mariann was talking about how it took her 4 long years to get there. That led to the guys talking about how they've only been at SIRIUS for 2 and a half years but that is half way through their contract. Artie said that he's had a lot of fun there in that time. Howard said that's odd because he's quit like 7 times now.
Artie said that if Howard made this show in the afternoon then he'd sign on for the rest of his life. Howard said that Artie could just sleep through the show like he's done.
Howard said that Artie had made the mistake of calking his flak jacket a ''flap jacket'' and a listener photoshopped Artie to have a pancake jacket on. Artie said that is the greatest jacket ever and it's making him hungry. Howard said you can see that picture at HowardStern.com.
Artie said that he's been having the greatest time ever there and he should be talking to James Gandolfini in the next few days and he had Graig Nettles at his comedy show the other night.
Howard got back to Mariann and played some of her taking phone calls. One guy asked her to sing so she sang a little bit to the guy and then hung up on him. Tabitha Stevens called into the show so Howard played that clip. Tabitha told her about the latest porn movie that she shot. Mariann spent a minute with her and Tabitha had some kind of new fake laugh that Howard picked up on. Artie figured that she hasn't been able to get on Howard's show so she's calling Mariann.
Howard took a call from a guy who was doing an impression of Mariann and it was so good that it had Howard fooled for a second. The guy's regular voice was nothing like that and the impression was amazing. He does Mark the Bagger as well. Artie said that it's kind of the same pitch as Mariann's.
Howard took a call from Mariann who said she knew she was going to make Artie's morning. She said that she's going to keep hocking Howard for the next 4 years to get another show. She said that she walked in and Tim was telling her to keep the calls under 2 minutes so she was cutting people off pretty quick.
Mariann asked if anyone liked her show at all. Howard said that there were some people who did like her. Howard let her go on for a minute while the caller doing the impression did it right back to her. Howard said that guy Eric was doing a good job but Mariann was so loud that they could barely hear him.
In the clip Robin was going through some news stories and read about the Public Television pledge drives and fund raisers. Howard said they could do those things in a better way and raise more money than they do. Robin mentioned some of the shows they had running during the marathon and they were all bad shows. Howard said just because it's public television doesn't mean they have to have awful shows. Robin mentioned the Hepburn and Tracy special they showed and Howard said he saw that one. That led to Howard and Robin talking about how Katherine Hepburn speaks. Robin did some of her impression of Hepburn talking and Howard said that's a pretty good impression. Robin said you strain to understand what she's saying.
Howard said he was watching Katherine talking about writing letters to Spencer Tracy and thinking that they'd still be together if he was still alive. Howard said she read the letter after writing it. Robin did more of that impression of her reading that letter. Howard said she read that letter for like 20 minutes.
Howard said that she's really taken with herself. Howard said she yells at people when she's on stage. Howard said she also wears that turtleneck sweater to cover up her neck.
In the clip Howard had Gary read an article about cartoon cell collections and how much they can appreciate in value over the years. Gary said Howard said they were totally worthless. Howard had Gary repeat after him saying ''Even if I have valuable cells, I am worthless.'' Gary said that they do say that they will never be worth as much as production cells but they are valuable. Howard said he hates hearing Gary read. Robin agreed. Howard said that Gary thinks that they'll be worth more when Bugs Bunny dies. Howard said he thinks that it's pretty steep to spend $650 on a cartoon cell. Gary said the greatest worth of all is the joy it brings to the owner.
Howard told Gary that after he hangs all of his cells he should hang himself. He did some of his Gary impression and goofed on him about that. He told him to cut himself up and feed himself to the dogs. He spent a little more time goofing on Gary but he had to wrap up and move on. Gary said he's going to be buying more cells this week. Howard asked if he has hung them yet. Gary said he hasn't hung anything in his place yet. Howard did more of his Gary impression and talked about the cartoons he might buy. Gary told Howard some of the characters he wants to get. Howard said he doesn't understand Gary. He mentioned he wanted a Chilly Willie but he said he was just joking. They spent a little more time on that before wrapping up.
Comedian Frank Caliendo Visits. 11/13/07. 7:25am
Howard said he had Frank Caliendo coming in. Frank is a comedian who does impressions and he was on MAD TV after Artie left. Artie said that Frank can be the fat guy and the guy who does impressions because he's so good. Frank said that he was on MAD TV when he was about 26 or 27 and he had been doing the impressions since he was a little kid.
Frank said that the first celebrity impression he did was Leno. He said that he used to do an impression of Chris Farley doing his characters but he doesn't consider those real impressions of the actual people. He said that he started doing the Leno thing in college and he'd bobble his head around like Jay does.
Frank said that he used to be that spaz type of kid in school and people would gather around him and watch him do his thing. Howard said that he must have wanted to find something to make him special. Frank said that the Leno thing did make him realize what he was put on this earth for.
Frank was doing his Leno impression and Howard said it was so good that it made him want to punch him in the head. He tried talking to Frank, as Leno, about him stealing Stuttering John away from the show behind his back. Artie thought that he had the impression down really well and he did a lot of subtle little things that Leno actually does.
Frank did some of his Al Pacino impression and showed how he's changed over the years. He did a young Pacino and said that sounds like Craig Gass' impression. Then he did the newer one that's more of a yelling type of thing. He did that for a minute and talked about the way the guy has changed over the years. Frank also did some of his Robin Williams impression.
Frank also did some of his Jonathan Winters impression real quick and said about 7 people would remember who that guy is. Howard asked Frank about his career and found out that he replaced Jimmy Kimmel on the football games over at FOX. Frank said he did that because Kimmel went off to do his own thing at ABC. Howard thought that they got rid of Jimmy because he pissed off some of the guys that he was working with. Frank said that he has fun with those guys and he doesn't think that they didn't like Jimmy.
Frank told Howard about how Howie and Terry will drive to the games themselves instead of getting a driver. He said he went with them one day and it turned into a three stooges episode. Howard read that Frank did a John Madden impression and he didn't even know what he sounded like. Frank went into that impression and had Artie laughing his ass off. Howard asked him if he ever did that in front of John. Frank said that Madden won't come near him so he hasn't done that for him.
Howard said that doing the Madden thing got Frank a lot of attention in his early career. Frank said that he'll sometimes pull that impression out when he's doing interviews. He said he uses it as a crutch, or more of a stretcher, to save his interviews.
Howard said that Frank even got to do an impression of David Letterman in front of Dave. Frank said that they were doing the Impression week over there and he went on and did just a little bit because they didn't want him to go too crazy with it.
Artie said that he heard that Letterman was uptight about Norm MacDonald doing his Letterman impression on Saturday Night Live. Howard said he used to get calls from Letterman's people asking them to stop with the Evil Dave stuff too.
Howard asked Frank why he never went to SNL himself. Frank said he just never had them come and find him like they usually do. He said that they already had Darrel Hammond and guys like that on the show so they didn't need a guy to do impressions. He said that he knew how to do the voices and stuff but he didn't know how to act.
Howard said that Frank actually does an impression of Norm MacDonald. Frank said he did it for Norm but he doesn't actually like doing stuff like that for the actual celebrities. He went into a little bit of that for a minute and he did sound quite a bit like Norm.
Frank said that he's got a new show coming out but they've been cut down from 8 episodes to 5 because of this strike that's going on. The show is called Frank TV and it premieres November 20th on TBS. Artie said that he remembers doing the sketch shows and how awful the make-up was. He said he'd sit there for hours getting made up and it was just so bad.
Howard had Frank do some of his George W. Bush impression as he asked him some questions as if he were the President. Howard had some fun with that for a short time and Frank had the impression down really good. He said that sometimes Bush will have problems finding the last word of a sentence and you root for him to come out with it.
Howard said that Frank does Sean Connery and he liked what he saw him doing on his web site. He had him go into that impression for a few seconds. Howard then asked him to go into his Jerry Seinfeld impression for a few seconds. He did that and then went into his Michael Richards impression. Frank went nuts and did a whole Seinfeld thing with all of the characters. He said he does that on his Frank TV show too.
Frank said that he likes to find people's gimmicks and he plays off of those. Robin asked Frank if he does a Howard impression. Frank said he does not have a Howard impression. There are a couple of guys who do Howard and Howard said he's honored when someone takes the time to learn how to do his voice.
Howard had Frank do his Chris Rock impression and asked him if he does that one in black face. Frank said he wouldn't call it black face, he'd call it ''make up.'' That led to Howard asking Frank about doing an impression of James Brown the football guy. Frank said that FOX asked him not to do it for a while.
Frank did his Chris Rock impression a little bit and also did a Charles Barkley impression. He concentrates on the way Barkley says ''terrible'' which sounds like ''turrible.'' Howard said that Frank is doing a stand-up special, All Over the Place, that's airing this Friday night on TBS. He gave him some plugs for that and for his new TV show.
Howard took some calls and one woman said that she'd be happy to watch his show but she wanted to punch him in the face after the baseball playoffs because they pushed his show so much on TBS. Another caller said that Frank does the announcer for the Super Friends. Frank went into that for a couple of seconds. That led to the guys talking about the characters that were in that group.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that she loved him on MAD TV. She said that Gilbert Gottfried must have been a big mentor for him. Frank said that he really wasn't and he wasn't sure why she'd think that. He did a little bit of his Gilbert impression after that though.
Howard had Frank do some of his Jack Nicholson impression for him. Artie talked about working on MAD TV since both of them had been on the show at different times. Frank told the guys about doing a skit one time where they did a Price is Right bit. He said that he did a Rod Roddy impression one time and demonstrated that for the guys.
Frank said that he gave up on MAD TV eventually and he thought that his comedy was goofier than what they were doing there. He said that he wanted to be himself and do his thing. He said he always wanted to play to people his age and not to the younger audience that MAD TV wanted him to play to. Howard said he'd stick with any audience that he could get.
Frank did a little bit of his Donald Trump impression so Howard played along with him and asked him some questions as if he were Trump. The impression did sound very much like him. Frank said that Howard was making him work today but he liked that.
Howard wished Frank luck with his career and told him he enjoyed having him there. Frank was telling the guys about how he thinks that he used the same nose prosthetic that Artie had used for his Ed McMahon impression when he was on. Howard said that Frank used that and got high from the cock residue that was left in it. They joked around about that for a short time and then Howard wrapped up and went to break.
''David Lee Roth'' Takes Over? 07/18/05. 6:00am
Holy crap! Starting off the show this morning was someone claiming to be the operations manager from WXRK who said that the rumors were right about David Lee Roth taking over for Howard (I almost puked). He said that they were ending Howard's show 5 months early so they could start their new morning man who would be there to replace Howard for the next 5 years. Luckily, when they announced that David Lee Roth was starting today, I recognized the guy who came on the air as Billy Mira who does impressions of David Lee for Howard's show. Mira did his David Lee Roth impression and rambled on and on about what he'd be doing with his new show. He did a quick newscast where he talked about some celebrity news. He rambled on and on about a few celebrities like Tom Cruise, Fran Drescher, Catherine Zeta Jones, Gwyneth Paltrow and others.
''Dave'' took a phone call from a guy who said ''Dave'' wasn't the real David Lee Roth, and then another caller did the same thing. He got back to his first show and said he was going to have an intern come in to talk to him. Claudia told Dave she's just 18 years old and Dave said he has Spandex older than her at home. She wasn't even sure what Spandex was. Claudia told Dave that she likes to party so Dave told her she was in the right place. He asked her if she knew who Van Halen was. She said they're a little old for her but she does know about them. Dave talked to Claudia about her schooling and what she wants to do with her life. Dave eventually complained about some of the stuff Howard did on his show and said that he won't be putting down the FCC on his show.
Dave played a game called ''Name that Sensational Diamond David Lee Roth Song'' where he played one of his songs and had people try and guess what the name of the song was. He gave out the phone number which was (800) 447-8376. The first caller was Kelly who told Dave he sucked and she doesn't understand what happened to Howard. The next caller asked Dave where Howard was. He told Dave he sucks so Dave hung up on him. Another caller said he hopes that this is a joke. Dave rambled on and on a little longer and said he knows that there will be some disgruntled people out there. He took a commercial break around 6:20 and said he'd be back after the break.
Howard Stern Calls In. 07/18/05. 6:30am
The David Lee Roth joke lingered on even after the commercial break. Dave was reading the live commercials during the break and came back after they played the phony Operations Manager announcement that they played first thing this morning. Dave introduced his co-host who is a stripper by the name of Irene. Irene introduced herself and said that she's originally from Russia and she's been living in the States for the past 15 years. Dave asked her what she finds sexy about him and Irene had to think about that for a short time. Dave also asked her to tell him what songs she likes to dance to when she's stripping. She said she likes when his songs come on. Dave asked her to do some news like Robin would do on Howard's show. They played a clip about the rumors of Dave replacing Howard.
Dave bragged about the rumors and then said he has a mystery guest on the phone. It was Howard Stern. Howard thanked Dave for letting him call in. He said he didn't think it was cool that Viacom let him go without letting him say goodbye to his audience. Howard said he did 20 years on that radio station and he finds it odd that his company would let him go like that. He wished Dave luck and said he doesn't think it's cool that he has to say goodbye this way. Howard said he got the call during his vacation that they didn't want him back and Robin didn't hear about it until this morning. He said he'd like to say goodbye to some people from his audience so Dave put through a few calls. One guy said that this had better be a joke. Howard told the guy he was wishing Dave luck. He kept the scam going. Another caller said that he can't believe that they're doing this to him. Howard said that this is what happened since he's moving to a new place. He wouldn't end the joke and kept it going. Dave asked Howard if he had anything else to say before he let him go. Howard said he'd talk to some more people on the phone. Dave put through a guy who sounded retarded and told Dave he likes his hair. Howard told Dave that this was probably the last time he was going to be on the air and it wasn't exactly the goodbye he was looking for. Howard said he'd try to get Robin Quivers to call in to say her goodbyes. Dave rambled on a bit about how he was going to be the next ''King of All Media'' and spoke to Irene a little more. Howard hung out in the background and stayed quiet for a minute while Dave and Irene rambled. Dave took another commercial break around 6:45am.
Robin Quivers Calls In. 07/18/05. 6:55am
They played the operations manager announcement once again after the commercial break to make sure they tortured everyone who had just tuned in. ''Diamond Dave'' returned to the air with Irene after that. Dave said he had another special guest on the phone after that. Robin Quivers was on the phone to say a few words about this ''big announcement.'' Robin told Dave it was a big surprise to her when she heard that she didn't have to come to work this morning. Robin wished Dave luck with his new job and warned him that others have tried to replace Howard and things haven't worked out for them. Dave asked Robin if they ever had sex. Robin said that never happened and Dave said that must be why she's so angry. Robin went on to thank everyone who have supported them over the past 20 years or so. She said a few nice words about the fans who have supported them and then Dave took some phone calls for her. One guy told Dave to act a little more humble after taking over this job. He told Dave that he's acting like he's taken over the world already and he just started. Dave took another call from a guy who said hello to Robin and wished that they had the chance to come on the air for one last time. She said they wished that it hadn't gone this way either but they had an idea that it could happen. The caller said he hopes it's not a joke though. Little did he know...
Dave let Robin go after that and had another special guest come in. It was Tom Chiusano. Tom said he was happy to have Dave there because now he could sleep in later and wouldn't have to come in early to man the dump button. Tom told Dave he likes his song ''Leap'' but David Lee didn't have a comeback for that one. Howard then came back in and let everyone know that it was all a joke. Howard said he heard the news that David might really be taking over for him and thought it would be funny to do this. Tom told Howard that he knows about as much about the rumors as he does. Howard thanked Billy Mira for his David Lee Roth impression and gave him a plug for his web site BillyMiraComedy.com
The Joke Ends. 07/18/05. 7:05am
Howard ended the joke and said that's probably the way things will go down when they really are replaced. He thanked Irene for coming in and said that her pink outfit was great. He said no one will see it on the E! show since that's already gone. Irene said she hopes that her picture will make it on his web site though. Howard thanked Billy for coming in and Artie spoke up and said the guy is great. Billy also does a great Ozzy impression so he did that a little bit. Irene told Howard that no one is better than him and then stripped down for the guys. Billy thanked Howard for that. Howard thanked the guys at Scores for sending Irene over to play her part on the David Lee Roth show.
In the clip Howard was talking about some ratings information about Jay Leno and David Letterman. That led to Howard talking to Billy West as Jay Leno about how Letterman is beating him in the ratings. Billy did his best Leno impression and talked about how he's going to get ratings by wearing a Letterman mask.
Howard said Jay is coming to New York to do some shows and he's going to be interviewing him. Howard said he doesn't get how coming to New York will help Jay get ratings. He said it's the same show just in a different place.
Howard said that Carson appeared on Letterman's show to make it seem like it's a big deal. Howard said you'd think that Carson performed a miracle. Howard read an article about Carson going on the show with Letterman when he was out in Los Angeles. Howard said Carson had done other Letterman bits but had never appeared live during the show. That led to Fred doing his Carson impression for a few seconds. His impression sounded like he was taking a dump.
Howard talked about what Carson did on the show when he was on with Dave. Fred did his Carson impression throughout the discussion. Howard read more of the article where they quoted producer Peter Lasally. Howard did his own Carson impression during that discussion too. He and Fred were both doing it at the same time. They were making all kinds of odd noises as Carson.
Billy did a Carson impression and then did more of his Leno impression. Howard had a conversation with Billy as Jay. Howard wondered why they don't just give him the Tonight Show since he seems to be so important for the ratings.
Howard Listens To The Steve Grillo Show. 09/07/06. 6:00am
Howard started off the show saying he was listening to the Steve Grillo radio show. He told Robin he started playing it for her 2 days ago but didn't get through much of it. He explained how Grillo used to be an intern there and he used to make his potato every day. Grillo eventually left the show to do some other things but he had worked there for 4-6 years according to Gary.
Gary said that Grillo wanted to work at the radio station with them but they really didn't have any money for him so he had to leave. He said he was sorry they had to part ways but he understood that Grillo had to go make money. Grillo changed his mind at the last minute but they had already hired someone.
Artie remembered the time that Howard dedicated his book to Grillo and he had him read the dedication on the air. Grillo didn't even know that Howard had done it even after reading it.
Howard said Grillo went out and became an electrician but he didn't like that so now he's back in show business. They gave him a radio show recently so that's what Howard was listening to. He said that Grillo's show is movie reviews for the younger generation since he doesn't understand Roger Ebert and guys like that.
Howard played some audio from Grillo's show and pointed out that he doesn't finish all of his thoughts. He reviewed 'World Trade Center' and said he didn't like that someone came out of the disaster laughing. Howard and Fred started doing their impressions of Grillo after listening to a few seconds of his show. Howard played a little more of his review of the World Trade Center movie and kept goofing on the guy.
Artie said that maybe this younger generation will enjoy his movie and get a good review from him. He also mentioned that Roger Ebert probably won't be getting better for a few more weeks so he won't have to worry about getting a bad review from him. He said that Richard Roeper has put out this great book called ''Sox and the City'' as well. Robin knew that Artie was just saying that trying to kiss his ass to get a good review. Artie laughed when she brought that up.
Howard played a clip of the opening of Grillo's radio show where he explains what he's going to be doing on his show. At one point Grillo says that his last name has been bastardized into ''Gorilla, Grillo...'' so Artie picked up on that and goofed on him about that. Grillo talks about the World Trade Center movie a little more and says he thinks it came out at the wrong time but he also says he liked it and cried during the movie.
Howard said Grillo managed to get an interview with Jodi Foster for his radio show. He explained that Grillo was working on a movie and somehow badgered her to do an interview. She was supposed to call in at one point and didn't call in until four hours later. Grillo stuck around the whole time waiting for the call though so he did manage to get the interview.
Howard started to play more audio but Gary interrupted and said that TMZ.com was reporting that Paris Hilton was arrested for drunk driving last night. Howard said he didn't think that was breaking news but he did read the story and spent a minute talking about the story. He read that she was found to have a .08 blood alcohol level when she was arrested. That led to Artie talking about going out drinking one time and having about 30 shots of liquor and he tried to take a break for over an hour before driving home. He ended up driving home and getting caught doing 50 in a 30. When he got pulled over he was still at a .18 blood alcohol level.
Howard got back to the Paris story and read that Paris was with Kimberly Stewart last night. He read through that quickly and then got back to the Grillo show. He played the segment where he interviewed Jodi Foster. He did have her on the show but he didn't do much with the interview. Howard was already bored with the interview after just a few seconds. He was going to bail out on the whole thing but Robin wanted to hear more of it.
Howard played more of Grillo's interview with Jodi Foster and talked about how they should give him another show after hearing this one.
Howard said Cabbie called him yesterday and asked him to call into his test show that he was doing on Free FM. Howard said he didn't do that because he had to go to bed after watching Rockstar Supernova. He said it may not have worked out very well for Cabbie because he probably would have opened up about what went on over there. He dropped that and got back to the Grillo interview with Jodi Foster. Howard said he was flabbergasted when he heard Grillo doing the interview with Jodi.
Howard said Grillo used to do stand-in work on The Sopranos and they eventually let him do a scene on the show. Artie didn't remember that episode. Gary said he played the part of a kid who was trying to be a mobster and got into a fight with one of the regulars on the show, Max Casella. Howard wasn't sure if he wanted to continue playing the Grillo interview but Robin still wanted to hear more.
Grillo asked Jodi about her directing of a movie and said ''soon'' twice in the same sentence so Howard picked up on that and goofed on him a little more. Artie even started doing an impression of Grillo after a Howard and Fred were doing theirs. They picked up on every little thing Grillo said wrong. Howard said he was already exhausted from laughing so hard at this interview.
Gary said that Grillo's rating system was actually by potatoes since that's what he used to make for Howard when he was working there. Howard and Fred had been goofing around saying that's the type of ratings he would give, not knowing that's exactly what he was doing. Howard played a clip where Grillo explained that one of his guests had left their phone on so he was going to ''bastardize him'' later in the show. Howard and the guys laughed their asses off at that dopey comment. Then Grillo gives the World Trade Center movie a 2 potatoes out of 5 rating.
Artie said you have no idea if the movie he just rated was good or bad, even with the rating. Grillo was telling New Yorkers not to go see the movie because it was too heart wrenching.
In the clip Howard was taking calls and a guy did a Jackie impression. Howard said Jackie probably doesn't think that's what he sounds like but he does. Howard played some audio of Jackie doing some of his jokes and doing an impression of an old man. Howard said he thought it was an old woman because he gets so caught up in the delivery that he doesn't listen to the joke. Howard and Robin both did their impressions of Jackie.
Howard said Jackie has this whole catalog of jokes and they're just bizarre. Fred played some Jackie clips and then Billy started doing impressions of the clips. Billy was doing his Jackie impression telling jokes too. Howard, Robin and Fred got in on that too. They were telling jokes and laughing at their own jokes.
Howard had Fred play another clip of Jackie doing a joke. Howard goofed on him some more and then brought up his Star Search appearance and how he got beat.
Billy was doing his Jackie impression yelling like Jackie does in some of the clips. He had Robin cracking up at the impression. Even Jackie was laughing at it. Howard said he's not sure why he's yelling. Howard said Jackie gets stoned before his concerts and he still yells like that. He smokes to calm down. Fred played one of Jackie's songs about pot. Billy was still doing his Jackie impression.
Gary's White Castle Appearance Discussed. 07/21/04. 6:00am
Howard brought up an appearance Gary made for White Castle and the movie ''Harold and Kumar go to White Castle'' yesterday with Neil Patrick Harris (aka ''Doogie Howser''). As he was talking about that Fred played the Baba Booey ''Baker Street'' song parody. Gary had to hand out hamburgers at the event. Gary said he had his picture taken by Wire Image while he was there and that eventually led to him getting a call from the producers of ''Alien vs. Predator'' who want him to make an appearance for them. Gary wanted to talk about this appearance before he decides on doing another one though.
Gary told Howard that Neil Patrick Harris wasn't there when he showed up but there were a bunch of other people at the event. He told Howard about a hot chick Ivana Bozilovic that was there. She was on the show a few weeks ago and took a lie detector test where they found out she really wasn't into Howard at all. Howard said that he remembers her being at Beth's magazine party so he brought Beth over to her to show her a hot chick that was into him. Artie ended up doing his impression of Ed Torian the lie detector guy and asked some of the questions that he asked of this woman Gary was talking about.
Gary went on to talk about how there were people waiting on line for these free White Castle burgers he was giving out for free. He said there were some models there playing the part of waitresses as well. He said they were kind of ''rough'' looking. Gary was also asked to put on a White Castle outfit on himself but he refused. Gary said he kept telling this publicist person that he just wouldn't do it. He said she seemed kind of perplexed that he wouldn't do this for them. A short time later it came back to him that they were going to offer him another $500 to put the outfit on. He refused to put it on.
Gary went on to talk about the stars of the movie who were there so they were signing autographs. Then Gary was told that Jason was offered the $500 to put on this outfit so he did it. Jason was wearing thigh high boots, short shorts and a wig. He put that on and handed out hamburgers for an hour. Jason came in and said that they wanted him to put on a man thong and parade around in that but he refused to do that. Howard told Gary that he gets the worst appearances. Gary pictures that as being his life after the show ends.
Gilbert Gottfried Hangs Out During Robin's News. 10/1/99. 9:45am
Comedian Gilbert Gottfried came in earlier in the show and hung out for Robin's news. He told Howard a story about how the people at the ''Hollywood Squares'' TV show got a call from Marlon Brando after Gilbert did a couple of jokes about him. Brando asked if he was going to be an ongoing joke on the show. Howard and Robin wondered if Brando actually sits and watches the show. Howard moved on from that story and took some calls for Gilbert and talked about his sad sex life.
Gilbert did his Seinfeld impression for a few minutes during one of Robin's stories. Howard had Gilbert Seinfeld talking about a bunch of things in the news.
Larry King Clips And JD Mumbling. 09/12/06. 6:35am
Howard said that it appears that Larry King is getting senile. He called Andre Agassi 'Pancho Gonzales' during his broadcast last night. He played the audio clip from the show and said it wasn't doctored in any way. JD came in to tell Howard if there was a correction to the mistake but he was wearing a 'I Like Me' shirt that he ended up goofing on. JD said that Scott DePace got the shirt for him and it had something to do with an XBox 360 game.
JD said that Larry didn't correct his mistake but Andre gave him a strange look after he made it. Howard was goofing on JD so Fred was playing his techno theme song and also playing some Napoleon Dynamite audio clips since he sounds so much like that character. Robin said that JD was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday telling them where he was on 9/11 and it just brought the whole show to a grinding halt.
Howard played some clips of JD from a Wrap Up Show where he was must mumbling his answers and not saying much of anything. He let that play for a couple of minutes and it was non-stop nonsense coming out of JD's mouth. Howard asked JD what he thought of that summit meeting yesterday. He seemed to be impressed with the fact that he gets to work for the Howard Stern show but his comments led to Fred playing more Napoleon Dynamite audio clips.
Fred was doing an impression of JD mumbling and talking about where he was on 9/11. JD was going to a school at some place called Full Sail back on 9/11 and they were all excused to leave when the plane crashed happened so they ended up going to their car to listen to Howard. Then they went home and watched TV and listened to Howard during that broadcast.
Howard played another Wrap Up Show clip where JD couldn't get his thoughts out. Artie said he doesn't want to say anything at the Beer League premiere, he wants JD to get up on stage and say a few words instead. Howard asked JD if he's bringing a date to the movie premiere. JD wasn't sure if he was even going to be going to the premiere. Artie told him he's on the list and he should be able to get in no problem.
Double A was on the phone saying that JD works for the greatest show on earth and he should be getting threesome's every night. Artie said that everyone on the show doesn't have the ability to pull threesomes on their own and they still can't do it even working on the show. Howard said that Double A could get Artie laid and JD laid.
Richard Christy came in and said that he got to listen to about 2 minutes of Artie's act down in Atlantic City because Double A was talking so much that night Richard said that Double A was telling him that he hadn't slept in about a week the night he was down there. Richard was also saying that Double A has bad breath and he was all worked up about some of the interns being down there.
Double A said that Artie hooked him up with a private room at this night club at the Borgata. Artie said they offered him the room and that private room got packed with about 50 people. Double A kept bringing in girls that looked like they were kidnapped or chloroformed or something. Artie said there were tons of dudes there in the room so the chicks kind of got lost.
Richard was saying that he used to live in a warehouse near the place JD went to school at and he used to drive by it and it was full of nerds. JD pretty much agreed with that. Fred was still goofing on JD doing his impression and ended up goofing on his brother who went to the same school. JD said that his brother now works at Best Buy and lives out in California. He doesn't really visit him though.
Howard asked JD if his brother looks and speaks like he does. JD wasn't sure, he seemed to have no clue about his own brother. Howard heard that his brother owes him money but JD doesn't remember that either. Howard asked him if he lived in a dorm room at Full Sail. JD said he rented an apartment, they didn't have dorm rooms. He also majored in Film and Video Production.
Robin asked JD how he found that school. Most of his answers were 'I don't know...' so the guys were goofing on him about that. JD claimed that he had great grades when he was in high school until his senior year when he started slacking off a bit. He also said he got 1010 on his SAT tests.
Jay Leno Show Discussions. 09/09/09. 7:55am
Howard got back to the Jay Leno Show discussion and read the press release he got about it. They talked about some of the stuff that they're going to be doing in the show and they don't mention Stuttering John in there at all. Robin said that it looks like Ross the Intern is taking over for where John left off with the announcer thing. Howard said John isn't even a correspondent in the show. Fred did his John impression a little bit and goofed on that situation.
Howard said he gets the feeling that Jay hates John now. Howard said Jay took John away from his job as announcer and made him a writer. Howard said he thinks that the rift that it caused between him and Jay could be part of that.
Fred did some of his John impression introducing guests for the Tonight Show and introduced some celebrities. He also threw in ''Living Colour'' but had John calling them ''Living Coloreds.''
Howard and Fred goofed on Jay for a couple of minutes doing their impressions and talking about the way Jay stole John away from the show without warning.
Howard said that John thought he was going to be out there hanging out with Jay all the time. He even bought a motorcycle to go riding with him.
Howard said he thinks that Jay would look like a shit stain if he had fired John completely. John now has a job as a writer on the show but he's no longer the announcer. Artie said that maybe John will write some sketches and get on the show that way. Fred did his John impression again and said ''Oh boy... I, I, I, I'm fucked.'' He mentioned some more names of celebrities that he used in his audition tape that they played yesterday.
Howard said the only thing that seems to have changed is that John is no longer on the show. He said if he were John, he'd be pissed.
Howard played John's audition tapes that they played yesterday. That's where John introduces some celebrities like Pamela Anderson but he says ''Pameler'' with the New York accent he has.
Howard was goofing on John for introducing too many celebrities in the opening. That led to Fred doing his impression and introducing about 20 people for one show. Howard said that they even made John change his name to John Melendez from Stuttering John.
Howard played more of the John audition tape and laughed through most of it. John brought up Simon and Garfunkle as the band being introduced so he asked Scott to give him another one since he wasn't able to come up with one. Fred did more of his impression and ripped John apart.
Howard said if he were John he'd just do announcing from everywhere. That led to Fred doing a ''Live from Starbucks...'' impression.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves Howard TV and they have to get it if they don't have it. He was also asking why they don't have John on the phone to do a phone interview. Howard said John was actually at his house a couple of weeks ago. He said John and his wife came over for dinner. Howard said he thinks that John might be smart for not calling in. He said that if John says something wrong them he might get kicked off the show. He said he'd be afraid to have John on the show for fear of fucking his gig up.
Fred and Howard continued to do their John impressions during that call. Fred said that he doesn't like John so he wouldn't have gone to that dinner at Howard's house.
The caller asked if he could play a game. Howard told him to hold on because he had to play some other stuff first.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer got all worked up about John on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He played some audio of that segment. Scott was talking about how John wasn't all that talented but he still got a record deal and this Tonight Show gig. Jon and Gary told Scott that John did have the ability to do those celebrity interviews very well.
In the clip Howard said he had a lot of things to get through today with the tapes he has sitting around. He wanted to play a Barbara Streissand tape Robin had at home. Robin said that she has a problem with her audio system at home and she blamed her cats for that. Howard said she has like $9,000 worth of equipment in that place and they can't get a decent recording. Howard said Robin gave him such a hard time about the one cat he had and now she has a bunch herself.
Howard said Robin's cats look better than her parents. Howard did an impression of Robin talking to her cats Tut, Max, Pumpkin and Kelly. Howard wondered if they're all deflowered. Robin said they are all fixed. Fred did some of his Robin impression too.
Howard asked if the cats are in the room when she pleasures herself. Robin said they are and they could care less. Billy West did an impression of the cats laughing at her. Fred played some sound effects like a vibrator and a cat meowing to create the scene.
Steve Grillo came in and said that he had to go to Robin's place to get some stuff and he heard Robin talking. He thought she was talking to him but it turns out she was talking to the cats. Howard said he has to get her a boyfriend. He said he's heard too many weird stories about her lately. Grillo said that she calls them her boys. Howard said he has to get over there and see what's going on. He said she's going to end up like one of those old cat ladies. Howard said he needs that Barbara Streissand tape from her. Robin said she should have done it on her other system.
Howard asked Robin about the litter box and how often she has to change that. Robin said she has to scoop it every day. Grillo said she locks them in the closet sometimes. Robin said she does not. Grillo said she did that but by accident.
Medicated Pete's Many Impressions. 04/05/10. 6:35am
Howard got back to some email and said that people actually liked Medicated Pete's George Takei impression last week. He read through some of those and people were saying that he should use that voice to pick up chicks. Howard said people were saying he was good in that character.
Gary told Howard he didn't have any clips of Pete doing that impression but Pete was there. Howard had Pete come in and do the impression some more. Pete came in and did his impression. Howard tried to have a discussion with him as George. Pete was saying that he and Brad went out and he took it up the ass. Howard said that was a dead on impression.
Robin asked if he considers the person he's doing the impression of. Pete said he studies them. Robin said that he might have a major career with those impressions. Pete said he will figure them out as the people come up.
Howard asked Pete if he does impressions of anyone else. Pete said he just does George right now. Howard asked if he's dying his hair now too. Pete said he is. Howard said it looked good. Pete said it's a spring/summer thing.
Howard got back to Pete's impression and spoke to him as George some more. Pete was talking about growing up in the Japanese Internment camps. Pete tried to have the discussion with Howard but he didn't seem to know George very well. Howard told Robin that impression was dead on. Robin laughed and said ''Oh my god...''
Howard said he could listen to this for four hours. He kept Pete talking as George and saying things that George would never say. Howard asked Pete about masturbating in the shower and Pete was talking about looking down at his shaft and turning himself on.
Howard told Pete that George laughs a lot so he should try throwing that in there. Pete said that he has to work on that. Fred said he likes this impression but not for the reasons that they'd think. He said that Pete's impression is like Steven Wright doing a George Takei impression. Pete was too serious while doing the impression according to Howard.
Howard congratulated Pete on this winning bit he had worked out. Howard asked what he's working on now. Pete said he's thinking about something else but he doesn't have anything off the top of his head. Howard told him he should work on Shuli or maybe JD. Pete did a little bit of JD. He tried that one out on Howard and Howard seemed to like that. He spoke to Pete as if he were JD. Pete was saying ''I dunno'' and ''whatever'' a lot. Pete said he had his laugh down the other day. He did an impression of that for a minute. Fred played the audio clip of JD's laugh and Pete had to do it every time he heard the clip because of his OCD.
Howard said Pete has George Takei and JD impressions. He wondered what kind of bit he could do with that. Howard heard he does a Ronnie impression too. Pete said he does that too so he did that impression a little bit. Robin said that they might have something going now. Howard spoke to Pete as Ronnie for a short time. Robin asked what he would need for a whole act. Pete said maybe 4 or 5.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thought George was back on the show this week. It was actually Sal goofing around on the phone.
Howard said that was good for Pete that he had this one man show to put on. He said he had no idea he had any talent like that. He asked Pete, as Ronnie, about dying his beard. Pete did his awful impression and Howard kept him going for a short time. Pete had the anger down pretty good. He was very argumentative with Howard and he'd freak out over the littlest things like Ronnie would do. He didn't sound anything like him though. It was getting better and better the more he did it though.
Howard was getting Pete all riled up like he'd do with the real Ronnie. Howard said his Ronnie impression is better than his George Takei. He said they might have to do an animated special where they have him playing all of the characters. Howard said he has 3 good impressions.
Howard had Pete do his JD impression some more. He was asking him about how he's going to pick up chicks and stuff and Pete would just say ''I dunno'' and ''whatever.'' Howard said no one out there knew Pete had that in him. He said he's got some talent there.
Fred said he thinks that Ronnie would lose it if they did a dueling Ronnie's thing. Howard asked Pete where he's going to be appearing. He said he might be going out to do a show with Shuli soon but he can't confirm that yet.
Howard had Pete do his Ronnie ''Lets fuck some whores!'' line. Pete did that and then played the actual clip of Ronnie doing it. Howard said it was almost perfect. Howard let him go after that. He said he would go see a show with him doing those impressions. He said maybe Shuli can help him work up a routine.
New Jack And Rod And Arnold Schwarzenegger Stories. 05/23/11. 6:10am
Howard said Robin needs a Jack and Rod show bit. He said that Sal and Richard did a new one so he played that for her. In the bit Sal and Richard speak to a woman about her relationship book for a second and then cut her off so they can get to their guest Arnold Schwarzenegger. They have Fake Arnold asking her if he's ever been with her before because her voice sounds familiar. Arnold keeps cutting her off and saying that he'd like to grope himself while she speaks. He then jerks off to her voice as she's talking. Then Arnold asks her to pretend to be the fat maid and clean up his home. Then he had her massaging him and going right to his cock. She plays along and says she's massaging him. She played along with it all and said she was licking his ass and putting his balls in her mouth saying she would lick it and suck it for him. She told Arnold she'd do that for him anytime.
Today's Impression Week was over around 10:55am.
First up on Impressions Week they played a couple of segments from various dates (No date was listed on the PDT) when the guys did some Robin impressions. I was able to find one segment. The second clip I wasn't able to figure out. The third was one where Jackie was reading from Robin's book so it was probably from sometime in 1995. One clip was one they played on Wednesday of this week with Pamela Demerest doing her impression of Robin. Here's one rundown I was able to find from 2004:
Robin Preparing For Her New TV Show. 12/13/04. 7:10am
Howard said that his friend Ross told Gary that he was walking down the street the other day and saw Robin out on the street with a camera crew. She was handing something out about the diet she was on, The Master Cleanser. Howard said that he once tried that horrible drink that she used to drink and it was horrible. Robin said that diet saved her life. She also said that she was out on the street creating some stuff for her new show so they can push it when they go out to Vegas for the NATPE convention. Howard said they were trying to get people to drink that crap for her show but he doesn't get that. Robin said it was just a bit they were doing and a lot of people actually liked the taste of the drink. Gary came in and said that Robin was taping what her day is like in the halls there at the station. Robin said that they were just getting some extra tape to throw in for the show. They had her talking to her news intern and to Scott the Engineer who she never talks to. That led to the guys asking Robin if she even knows her intern's name. She does know one name, Erica, but not the second intern she has. Robin said they're not even going to use the audio from the tape for the show, they're just going to have the video playing to show her talking with people. Howard and the guys were goofing on Robin about all of that stuff. Howard wondered if Mr. X will be in this show or not. She said he won't but there are some other people in her life that will be interviewed for it.
Scott The Engineer Stories. 03/22/06. 6:50am
Scott the Engineer came in and asked Howard why he was getting ripped a new asshole. Howard said he likes to tear people down who are having a good time. He was also upset about Penny talking about his salary with everyone in the hall. She had mentioned something about Scott only making $60,000 after working in the business for 20 years. Robin said that's the story that Penny should be covering for the news. Scott said that he has a very small pension and doesn't make all that much money. Howard said that Scott is always bitching about his money situation.
Ralph called in and said that Scott is such a bore. Gary came in and said that when Scott started working with them, he found out within 10 minutes that he was already in debt. He knew him for 5 minutes and he already knew that he didn't make much money. He started talking to him about that right away and hasn't stopped since. Artie said that talking to Scott is nothing like talking to Tony Robbins (motivational speaker). Howard said that Scott is like the opposite of a motivational speaker.
Artie said that Scott told him a classic story about how he once got a free toupee and the thing did nothing but irritate his head. Scott said that it would tear skin off his head every time he took it off. He had some snaps glued to his head and those things didn't work very well. The wig didn't look anywhere near real according to Ralph. Howard said that Scott eventually got rid of it after the company that gave it to him stopped paying for the maintenance on the thing. Scott didn't want to pay for it himself so he gave up on it.
Howard said that once Scott stopped wearing that thing he looked even more bald than he did before he got the toupee. He told Scott that it would be great if he started an ''Unmotivational Speaker'' business. He said that he could go around the country talking to people about being a loser. Howard turned on some echo and made a speech as Scott the Engineer talking to people about how they could be losers.
Ralph said that everyone there at SIRIUS is having a great time except for Scott. Scott told him that he's having a great time just like everyone else is. Robin said that someone asked Scott if he was going to be able to move faster there at SIRIUS than he did at K-Rock. Scott tried to do that for the first week but he eventually slowed down. Scott blamed that on an injured back.
Howard continued to do the Scott impression as if he were giving an ''Unmotivational'' speech. Scott said that his mother used to tell his family that they had a black cloud over them. Apparently she was right. Howard wondered why she would say something like that to the family. Just saying that might make someone depressed and force him to slouch over and start losing his hair. Scott said that when he was in his 20s it all started. He ended up getting divorced, losing his house and many other things. He said he started balding back then as well. Howard had to take a break so he wrapped up with Scott and had Fred play ''Scott From The Block'' as they went to commercial.
TDiHH: Billy as Don Knotts - June 14, 1991. 06/14/12. 9:05am
Next up on This Date in Howard History they played a segment from 1991 when Howard called Billy West and had him do some voices.
In the clip Howard was talking about a commercial that Billy West got. He said he wants to call him and have him do the voice for them. Howard said Fred has to go out and try to get some work like that.
The guys got Billy on the phone and Billy was saying that Fred is one of the best guys out there with voices. Howard asked Billy to do his McDonald's commercial voice. Billy did that and Howard said there are like 23 different commercials.
Robin mentioned that Don Knotts was in the news so Howard said Billy should do that voice. Howard and Robin talked about that news story for a short time and then had Billy hold on so they could get back to him after a break.
After the edited out break Howard had Billy on the phone doing his Don Knotts voice. Howard talked to him about his alleged suicide attempt. Howard and Billy did that for a couple of minutes. Howard told Billy to really go and do it when he was saying that he was going to kill himself. He said he was going to drink a glass of hemlock. Howard said he should do that now. He hung up on Billy in the middle of a line.
In the clip Robin was reading some movie news and read about Charleton Heston. That got Howard doing his impression of Heston. Robin continued her news and Howard kept the impression going through more stories. He did his Heston from Planet of the Apes. Howard said he has to go back and rent that movie.
Robin would read a story and Howard would do his Heston impression. Robin had a bunch of audio clips she was going through for the news and Howard would comment on them as Heston.
Howard TV Discussions And Phone Calls. 04/09/08. 7:25am
Howard took another call from a woman who asked him to do an impression of his mom for her. Howard said he didn't know he was supposed to do stuff like that for the audience. He said it's like an improv show now. Howard did the voice and Artie threw out a situation that she could be in. He said that she was working in a grocery store and was about to be robbed... and she's racist. That led to Howard doing that for a short time and throwing out some racial jokes. The woman on the phone said that she didn't know what to say after that.
Howard did his impressions of both of his parents and did that for a short time. He had the two of them having sex and had Ben asking Ray to ''part the hairs'' down there because it was like a jungle down there. Then Artie threw out that he should do his mother having sex with Ted Kennedy. Howard did his Kennedy impression and goofed on him a little bit and had him drowning his mother. He had to go to break after that.
Attorney Dominic Barbara called in to talk about getting married yesterday. Howard and the guys wondered why Dominic would rush to get married for a third time after 2 failed marriages. Dominic married his second wife on the day he got his divorce from his first wife. He and his second wife split about a year ago and now he's married once again. Even Dominic admits if he heard that kind of story from a client, he'd tell them to get some help. Dominic doesn't believe that Howard will never get married again. Howard swears that he won't get married and he won't even live with another woman. He said his kids can move in but he's not going to have his girlfriend living with him. He said he's in love with himself. He said he hasn't even given Beth a key to his apartment. She can sleep over as many nights a week as she wants to but she doesn't live there.
Jessica Hahn called in to give some advice on relationships. She's been with this guy Ron for 10 years now and they don't live together. She's got her own home and he's got his. She told Howard he's got the right idea and he should stick to it. She also thinks that people who get married so quick, like Dominic, aren't happy with themselves so they have to latch on to someone else to stay distracted. Dominic said he felt like he was in the ''Twilight Zone'' getting advice from Jessica Hahn.
Jessica apparently had some news about the Robert Blake's wife murder thing but she wouldn't talk about it on the air with Howard. Gary heard it off the air and wanted her to share it with Howard but she wouldn't for some reason. Howard said it was probably slanderous information anyway so he just put her on hold and let John get the info for him.
Howard said that Kathleen is a very big woman and he doesn't understand how he could be seduced by someone like that. He brought up how hot the original Mrs. Robinson was in the movie ''The Graduate'' and how he understood that attraction. Howard and Artie continued to goof on Kathleen's voice and made fun of her for quite a while.
Jason said that Kathleen gets completely nude for about 30 seconds in the play. He said you get to see her boobs and her vagina. Howard asked if the stage is dark at that point. Jason said it's dimmed down a little bit and it's lit the right way for her. Howard joked that she goes off to a dark corner and hides her penis between her legs while doing his manly impression of her.
Howard also brought up how Alicia Silverstone is in the play and goofed on her for a little bit. Howard said when she played Batgirl in the ''Batman'' movie, he thought she had a moustache. He and Artie goofed around with that a little bit.
Howard brought up some of the bad reviews that ''The Graduate'' got. He read a couple of them and Jason got bashed pretty good in the reviews. Jason said he doesn't mind hearing all of this stuff though. He wanted Howard to read the reviews to him. Howard said one review called him brilliant... but he was just making that one up.
Howard said he heard that Kathleen Turner is a vegetarian but Jason said that wasn't true. He said that Alicia Silverstone is a vegan. Jason said that's going a bit far for him and he doesn't get it. He said he respects her opinion about eating dairy products and stuff but he's not going to go for that.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Jason and one guy seemed to claim that he heckled Kathleen one night. He hung up before Howard could ask him about it but Jason said they did get heckled one night and it threw them all off.
Howard asked Jason why Shannon Elizabeth is upset with him. Jason said she's probably upset about Howard saying that she has fake boobs when she claims they're real. Even Jason said it's obvious that they're fake though. Howard also asked Jason if he's gotten any ''celebrity ass'' since he got famous. Jason said he's been with this one chick pretty long and he hasn't taken advantage of his fame for ''celebrity ass.''
In the clip Howard had ''Ed McMahon'' on the phone. That was Billy West playing the part. Howard talked to Ed about working on the Tonight Show and Ed had his young girlfriend Meagan there with him too. He was joking around about how young she is and how she's going to make $80 million if she does what she's supposed to do for him.
Ed was talking about his scrotum at one point so Howard said he had to bleep that out. Howard said he can't talk about that kind of thing.
Ed was also talking about what Johnny tells him to do about the girls. He said he wants the girls with big, bushy bottoms. Ed said he can ruin their careers if they don't touch him. Howard wrapped up with Ed a short time later.
Howard Reads Some E-mail. 11/13/07. 6:15am
Howard read some mail about the Grandma Caprio vs. Beth bit they did the other day. Artie said that they should roast Grandma Caprio and have Howard go up at the end as Grandma. Howard went into his impression a short time later and did a little bit of that. Then Artie picked up the megaphone and did his Beth impression. Howard was talking about Artie and Dana and how Artie is sitting around and eating everything since he broke up with her. He was doing it all as if he were Grandma Caprio calling in. Artie was throwing out jokes about Howard's looks and chess playing as he was doing his Beth impression.
Grandma Caprio told Artie to quiet down at one point saying that his stuff was boring because it was about Howard Stern. Beth would throw out jokes about the wedding and how it will probably never happen and things like that. He was also joking about them having kids while Howard was goofing on Artie's weight. Robin was asking Grandma Caprio some questions and kept him going.
Grandma talked about how great Dana was and what a wonderful catch she was for Artie. Artie threw in a comment about how Beth could give great recipes for the most boring meals on the planet. Howard eventually came out of his impression and said that was enough. Artie, as Beth, said that was bullshit and got Howard back into it a little bit.
In the clip Howard brought up how Gary was playing with this interactive CD thing that just came out. Gary came in and said he doesn't even have it. He said he saw it and thought it was cool but he doesn't have one. Howard said he's glad Stuttering John warned him about it. He said he must not be working Gary hard enough. He said he must need to give him more work.
Howard asked Gary why he would get this thing. Gary said he doesn't know that much about it yet. He said you can get an encyclopedia on a disc and things like that. He said that he hasn't gotten it so John is way off on this whole thing. Howard started doing his impression of Gary talking about this CD thing. Gary said Penthouse has a CD out where you can pick girls out and tell them what to do. Howard said that's very silly. John was doing an impression of Gary too. Then Robin got in on it and did her impression of Gary playing with the CDs.
Howard said Gary should be doing more work there to help the show. Gary said this thing has nothing to do with his work. Howard said he wants to play games all day at work. Gary said that would be for the weekends, not during work. Howard said Gary should be doing something with his life on the weekend instead of playing games. Gary said they're working on stuff for the show. Howard said he can't believe he wants to play games.
Gary said he needs to know what Robin does during her day. Robin said they're talking about him right now. Robin rollerblades after the show. Howard said he'd like to know what Gary does. Gary said he isn't playing Prince of Persia like he thinks he is. Howard and the guys were doing impressions of Gary talking about his Prince of Persia games.
Howard goofed on Gary about not being able to use a word processor on his computer. Gary said he doesn't have Word Perfect like Howard does. Gary said he will use a dictionary if he has to look up a word. Gary said he's just looking into this interactive CD thing to find out more about it. He said it could help the show.
More F-Emmy Awards. 10/10/01. 8:35am
The F-Emmy Awards continued through the morning. The next category up was Best Celebrity Impression and here are the nominees:
THoHS:A3 - Prank Calls To Baba Booey And Jerry Seinfeld. 12/21/09. 7:40am
In the clip Howard called Jerry to leave a message on his machine and Gilbert was doing his Seinfeld impression. Gilbert did that impression as Howard was asking him questions. They left a message on his machine that went on and on until his machine ran out of time. They planned to do a whole radio show for Jerry since his machine didn't seem to have an end to it. Howard was going to end the call but Gilbert kept doing his Seinfeld voice so they just kept going. Howard said it was hard to hang up without that beep on the machine. He said he couldn't stop. He figured it was a 60 minute cassette with 30 minutes on each side. They kept going and Gilbert was doing his jokes as Jerry the whole time. The machine ran out of time eventually and gave them the beep. Howard said that was enough after that beep.
Cookie Puss Visits. 05/01/1991. 7:00am
Howard did a live commercial but the Master Tape Theater replay had the sponsor censored out with a fart sound. While he was talking about the sponsor he and Fred ended up in an argument about some stuff that Fred didn't tell Howard. Howard went off on him for a short time and Fred tried to defend himself.
Fred ended up doing an impression of Howard and goofed on him. Howard asked him what that was. Fred said that it was him. Fred sounded more like Howard's mother than Howard. Howard told Fred to remember where his paycheck comes from and suggested he take that verve and use it to write a script once in a while. He turned down Fred's microphone and said that's Fred's new shtick on the show.
Howard said he had caught Fred in a lie and he was proving it today. He said that all of those days he asked Fred to help him out in the past, and he turned him down, he was lying about what he was up to.
Howard went through the rest of the live commercial but that ended up getting them into this story about Cookie Puss. Howard went into his Cookie Puss voice and talked to Fred about that story. Fred had given his mother a Cookie Puss Carvel Cake one time so Howard goofed on him about that.
Cookie Puss talked about how he hates Fudgie the Whale and how he was able to talk about that now that Tom Carvel is gone.
Robin said that she thought that the puss was shortened from ''pussy'' but cookie Puss said that it was just a reference to it being a face. Cookie Puss didn't remember what he looked like so he had to ask Fred what he did look like.
Cookie Puss asked Fred why he didn't just buy his mom a quart of milk or a newspaper instead of a Cookie Puss. He spent a few minutes goofing on Fred about that. He told him that he should get his mother some cotton candy for her next birthday. Robin said that was a first giving his mother a Cookie Puss for mother's day.
Howard said that it was pretty insulting to give his mother a Cookie Puss cake as a gift. Fred said that this whole thing was insulting. Howard asked him if he at least calls his mother. Fred said that he does and continued to argue with Howard as Cookie Puss.
Cookie Puss asked Jackie why he pissed in his mother's face for her birthday. Jackie said that he did that because Carvel was closed at the time. Cookie Puss said he was going to run out of the room during the break so he didn't have to deal with Fred. He wondered what Fred could do to him other than eat him.
Cookie Puss asked if you have to special order a Cookie Puss or if you can just walk in and get it. Fred said you just walk in and buy it. Cookie Puss said there's a new cake called Fudgie the Underpants and Cheesy the Foot. Then there's Booger the Nose, Andy the Anus and others.
Howard got out of the voice and said that he was done annoying Fred. He said he didn't need to do that to Fred anymore. He thanked Fred for doing great during the writing meeting the other day. Howard spent a short time talking to Fred about his mother and going to visit her.
Fred said that he doesn't think that Robin has any right to comment on that stuff with the kind of family relationship she's got. Robin laughed at Fred for that comment.
Howard went to a break and did another live commercial that was farted out. During that Fred said something about punching Howard in the face.
Howard had a guy on the phone who wanted to play Guess Who's the Jew. He told the guy he was going to play the Kennedy song ''Raping in the Night'' before he got to that. He said that Stuttering John was out interviewing prostitutes the other night too so he had to play the audio of that. He said that John would ask the girls to do interviews for the TV show and when they'd turn him down, he'd call them whores.
Howard played the ''Raping in the Night'' song parody he sang. Howard said they had a lot coming up after that including Robin's man Penn. Robin let out a sigh when she heard him mention that. They had to go to break after that.
Midget Godfather Asking Johnny Fratto For Favors. 03/12/07. 6:35am
Howard took a call from Johnny Fratto who said he had a message that Eric the Midget left for him. He started to play it but it was too muffled to understand. Johnny said he thinks Eric is looking for him to do a hit on someone. He had a problem with someone from school or something. Howard said that's pretty funny and thought about what that would be like if Eric became some kind of big kingpin after asking Johnny to do a hit. Howard said that's assuming that Johnny would do a hit. Johnny said that Eric wasn't even asking him to do it, he was telling him to do it.
Robin wanted to hear the message so bad but Howard didn't want him to play it. Johnny explained to Howard what Eric was asking for and how he was telling him to find this guy he had a problem with and how he should know what to do from there. Johnny said Eric is going to have to get into a rougher group than with him because he really doesn't know what to do. Johnny said he has to get him the call so he can hear it on the air. Howard asked him if he called Eric back and told him they don't do stuff like that. Johnny laughed and said no.
Howard had Eric on the phone and asked him if he's nuts. Eric said he wasn't calling for a hit on the guy. He said he just wanted someone to find the guy and teach him a lesson. Howard said that message made Johnny think that he wanted him to kill someone. Eric said that's not what he wanted though. Howard said the whole thing came up because that guy called into the show last week and talked about how Eric had demanded a ramp at high school. Eric was upset and said that it was all bullshit.
Howard said he wanted to hear this message that Eric left so he asked Eric to explain it. He said Eric might be out of control and it might be a felony asking Johnny to do that stuff. Johnny was able to get the message to play over the phone so Howard listened to that. In the message Eric tells Johnny to find this guy Jerry and ''You know what to do, you know what to do... just find him.'' Artie started laughing his ass off when he heard that. Johnny said that little motherfucker is a gangster. He said he learned that Eric is a gangster this weekend.
Howard asked Eric how he explains that. Eric said he just wanted to teach that guy a lesson but then he said it was just a joke. Howard said Eric is lucky that no one knows this guy Jerry from a hole in the wall. Artie told him that he shouldn't leave a hit message on the phone. That's just not the right thing to do. Howard asked Eric if he thought that whole thing through. Eric said ''yeah'' but it didn't sound so convincing.
Howard asked Eric what he wanted Johnny to do. Eric said he just wanted him to find the guy and make him call back and apologize or something. Howard said Johnny would have to be nuts to go through with something like that. Johnny interrupted that and told Howard that Eric told him about a dream he was having and how he wet the bed while thinking about peeing in the bath tub.
Johnny said that he played that message from Eric for KC and KC was ready to go out and find the guy for him. Artie told Eric he just called the wrong guy, he should have called KC. The guys thought it was pretty funny that Eric had called for a hit and thought this was an all time classic. Artie told Eric he's all done fucking with him. Howard also told him that he's done fucking with him as well. Robin told him he's got an anger issue if he's doing stuff like that.
Howard told Eric that he really could have gotten into some trouble for that if Johnny had taken him up on the offer. Johnny replayed the voice mail around that time so Howard and the guys listened in on that. Howard was laughing and Artie was very amused by the call. They said that if that guy Jerry does end up dead or something, the cops are going to go right to Johnny because of this message. Johnny said he'll just blame Little Johnny for the whole thing.
Artie did his Godfather impression and inserted Eric into the movie. He did that for a short time and then Howard asked Eric why he would command Johnny to do something like that. He asked him if he thought that Johnny ever did stuff like that. Eric said ''no'' after a short pause.
Howard asked Eric about the peeing the bed thing. Eric said that was the first time he's done that since he was a kid. He said the pee didn't make it to the bed, it stayed in his boxers and his PJ pants. He said the material absorbed it all. Howard asked Eric if he has a mattress pad and found out he does. He figured that there has to be pee in there then. Eric said he checked and it was all in his pants.
Artie asked Eric what he was doing up at 1 in the morning because that message he left for Johnny was from 1:30am. Howard asked him more about that as well and pointed out that Johnny's father was a mobster. Howard asked Eric if that's the first time he's ever called for a hit. Eric said it was the first time. He was very upset about that Jerry guy talking about how he had demanded all of this handicapped access stuff and what a disruption it was to school. Johnny joked that he thought this guy deserved to go over that. Howard said they really don't want any harm to come to this guy Jerry. Eric said he doesn't want any harm to come to him but he does want an apology. Artie asked him to say that even if he doesn't apologize, no harm is going to come to him. Eric said he doesn't want any harm to come to the guy at all.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves Eric now even though he used to get irritated by him. Howard went to another call from a guy who said he had a theory. He thinks that Johnny misunderstood Eric and thought he was asking him to take out ''Jeni'' (Richard Jeni) and that's how that guy ended up dead. Another caller said that this guy could go to jail for something like that. He also pointed out that if he had been roasted, he might have asked to have everyone from the show hit. Artie said they should talk to a cop and find out if that was a crime already and if Eric could end up in jail just for asking for the favor.
Johnny told Howard that he's gotten a couple of TV show appearances thanks to Howard's show. He got on 1 vs 100 and also on that Identity show. He talked a little about that show and how confused people were about what he does for a living. Howard told Johnny that Eric loves to hang out with tough guys but Johnny said he's really not a tough guy. Howard said Johnny is a tough guy because he was charged with a felony one time and it was over a drug charge.
Eric had a call coming through on his cell phone so he told the person to stop calling because he wasn't going to answer while on the air. Howard felt that there was another hit coming on if that person didn't stop calling. Howard told Johnny he had to get going but thanked him for bringing this to his attention. He told Eric that it's really not a nice thing to ask his friend to do. He thanked them for calling in and let them go a short time later.
Howard said that if Johnny gets on Eric's bad side, Eric might be going to someone else to put a hit out on Johnny. A caller said he can picture Eric in the final episode of The Sopranos or something taking over the whole family. Artie said he heard they just shot the last episode of that show and he's dying to know how it ends.
Artie said he didn't know Eric had that kind of greatness in him. Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made using audio clips of Eric's voice. They called a store and had Eric talking about how he was going to accept the balloon stunt but the people at the store had no idea what he was talking about.
Gary told Howard they had the hit voice mail message to play if he wanted to replay it. Howard played another Eric the Midget bit that they had done one time. They had a guy call Eric as Diana Degarmo's manager and had him thinking that he was going to get a date with her. He played a few more Eric bits and prank calls that he had to play. He said that was enough of that after playing a couple of them. Then he replayed the voice mail he had left for Johnny where he asked for him to take care of that guy Jerry. Howard said that kid is a real man. Howard said that guy Jerry is probably living in Montana under the name Sarah now that he's heard about that hit. He had to go to break after that.
Gary's Phlegm. 3/3/00. 6:10am
Howard had to complain about Gary first thing this morning because of his constant throat clearing. Howard was trying to eat his egg breakfast during a break and Gary was telling him about what was going on during today's show. Gary then started to clear his throat of excess phlegm and it made Howard sick. He had to ask Gary to leave the studio because he couldn't eat the eggs. Gary said he doesn't even know that he's doing it so he didn't listen to Howard when he told him to leave. He had to be asked twice before he actually left. Both Jackie and Fred goofed on Gary for a couple of minutes by making the coughing sound that he makes to clear the phlegm.
Gilbert Gottfried, Howard's Parents And Kyra Sedgwick. 01/12/05. 9:30am
Howard said he would like to know how he was conceived and if it was difficult. That led to Gilbert doing his Dracula Gottfried voice as he was pretending to be Ben Stern. He said something that led to the delay button being hit. He had the guys cracking up as he was using racial slurs and stuff like that. Howard cut him off after he said something else that got the delay hit.
Elon Gold Shows Up Late. 1/27/03. 9:30am
Comedian Elon Gold finally showed up around 9:30 this morning. He apologized to Howard about being late and explained how much traffic there was out there this morning. Howard said that Elon has lost a lot of weight since he saw him last. Howard explained how they know Elon. Howard said Elon did an impression of him on MTV years ago and now he thinks he owes him a favor or something. Howard said that Elon has e-mailed them and called him a bunch of times lately and has begged to come in. Elon said that he only called twice and e-mailed them once. Gary came in and said that he's called more than twice but then said that it may have been his publicist who was calling them.
Howard said that he likes this show ''In Laws'' that Elon is starring in with Dennis Farina. Howard said Farina is really funny in the show but it's about to be canceled. Elon said that they're about to be canceled and tomorrow night was supposed to be, possibly, the final show. They just found out that the President is supposed to be on tomorrow night though so the show won't be on. Elon said he's really got nothing to plug today other than the comedy gig he's doing at The Comedy Cellar tonight.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about this guy Jerry Nachman they knew from years ago and how it was just announced that he has cancer. Howard put out the word that he loved that guy.
Howard said that Elon met his wife when he was 15 years old and has only been with that one woman his whole life. Howard ended up talking to him about that for a little while. Howard wondered why anyone would get married without banging a few other chicks. Elon said he doesn't even think about doing other chicks because his wife is so great.
Howard had Elon do some of his impressions for him. He did his Gilbert Gottfried, Jay Leno and even his Howard impression. Howard thought his Leno was really good. Elon did a Charles Grodin impression that was dead on also. Elon said that he loves to do Howard also. He said there are two Howard's, one when he's on TV and one when he's on the radio. He did both and they were pretty good. Howard said he loves impressions. He wanted him to do more so Elon did Al Gore who ads a lot of H's when he's talking. He then did a Joe Lieberman impression who sounds like the father on Alf. Elon did a Johnny Carson impression that was pretty good. Howard had Elon do his Bobcat Golthwait impression for a few seconds but there's no reason to do him anymore. Elon said he does a Jeff Goldblum but it's more visual. He said he's going to do that on Craig Kilborn tonight.
Howard gave Elon a couple of plugs for the shows he has coming up soon. He'll be appearing at The Comedy Cellar tonight and at The Laugh Factory in L.A. This weekend. After that Howard had Robin do her news. While she was doing the news Sylvester Stallone's name came up so Elon did his impression of Stallone. He later told Howard about a phone call he made to Jay Leno years ago. He said he got Jay's number one time and just kept it around as a goof. Then when Jay took over the Tonight Show he decided to call and tell him how good he was as the new host. Elon told the story and did his Leno impression as he described how the call went. He said Jay wasn't upset that he'd called and actually thanked him for being a fan. Jay ended up asking him what his name was but Elon thought it would be best not to tell him. Jay said ''Okay, goodbye!'' but didn't hang up. Elon said he heard silence so he said ''Hello'' and Jay was still there. He said Jay asked him what his name was again but he said he didn't think it was a good idea to tell him. Once again Jay said ''Okay, goodbye.'' but didn't hang up. Elon said that he did that about 4 times before he finally got off the phone with him.
George Takei Live Via Satellite. 09/27/1994. 8:10am
Howard had George Takei on a satellite feed so he could talk to him as if he were in the studio. He told George that he had George's long lost brother (Billy West) in the studio. Billy was doing his impression of George and making comments that George would never say. Howard asked Billy to stop it with the jokes because he would never make it through the interview.
Howard asked George about the way he enunciates his words and why that is. He said he never did it in Star Trek. George said that's because he was acting. He was Sulu in those shows so he was doing that character. Billy West continued to do his impression so George asked him to behave.
Howard told George that he's happy that he took on William Shatner in his book (To the Stars: The Autobiography of George Takei, Star Trek's Mr. Sulu). George said that he thinks that Shatner is a great actor and he did some great things on Star Trek. He said that you have to look at the whole man and not just that one part of his life.
Howard asked George if Shatner had sex with Uhura. George said they just kissed on the TV show. Howard talked about what he had read in his book and how Shatner was a pain in the ass on the set of the TV show. George said that Shatner has a wit and a smile that fools people. He said Shatner treated everyone the same on the set so it wasn't just him.
Howard asked George if he was Chinese as he was joking around about throwing stars. George corrected him and told him that he's Japanese. He talked about going to some Japanese language school when he was a child and how much he hated that.
George was talking about what a phony Shatner was when Howard asked him if he'd pull off his wig. George said that's a very expensive wig he wears. He talked about the many versions of the wig he had. Robin said that in the early TV shows Shatner had hardly any hair. Then he got curly hair in the TJ Hooker TV show and he has even more in the Star Trek movies.
George told Howard and Robin about the time he spent in the Japanese internment camps when he was a small child. He said that they were American citizens back then but just because they looked like the enemy, they were locked up in these camps. He said there were no trials or anything like that, they just came in with guns and shuffled them off to these camps. He said that they did get reparations in 1988. He gave that money to a charity for Japanese Americans.
Howard said that George had fun in those camps but he was only 4 years old at the time. Howard asked George why he wasn't there in the studio because they could have some real fun there. Billy West got back to doing his impression of George.
George talked about how much some of the other cast members on Star Trek disliked William Shatner. Gary came in and told Howard that he had a woman on the phone who was very angry at George. Howard took the call and the woman said that she thinks he's just jealous of Shatner and no one will buy his book. She said that she will not buy his book and she's had a crush on Shatner since she was a little girl.
George and the woman argued with each other for a short time and George let out his infamous ''Oh my!'' after she said that no one was guy to buy the book. Billy West, as George, mumbled under his breath ''Stupid bitch'' as she was getting off the phone. George asked him to behave after hearing that.
Howard let George go and had Billy West doing more of his impression. He had Billy doing an impression of George snoring and stuff like that. They went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard started the contest and had the first contestant come in and do his Jackie impression. The guy had Jackie laughs and some of his jokes that he went through. The guy had everyone laughing at the bad jokes he told. That guy was Mike Feeney.
Next up was Michael Grossman who did his impression and told jokes like Jackie would tell. He did his impression for a minute. Howard said he was more realistic as Jackie bombing.
Howard had the next contestant give it a try. That guy did his Jackie impression and told some jokes. Howard said he sees they have a black Jackie impersonator coming up too. Howard said one guy had finger cots on just like Jackie.
Next up was Jerry who had a beer with him. Jerry did his impression quickly and then Howard had another guy do his impression. Howard had a couple more contestants give it their best. Some of the guys had Jackie's laughs and other sounds down pretty good. One of the guys was Anthony Cumia from the Opie and Anthony show. Howard and Robin went through the contestants and said that they liked Anthony's impression. Howard said they have three more to go after that.
Howard had the next guy do his Jackie impression. He did a Jackie arguing impression. Howard had the second guy go and then another one. Gary said a few more showed up so they have even more coming. Howard quickly went through the rest of the contestants. He gave them a few seconds to do their thing.
Crazy Alice Vs. Crazy Artie. 06/15/06. 10:40am
After the break Fred had a Jimi Hendrix song playing so that got the guys talking about him for a short time. They were talking about how he may not have been as cool today if he had lived. That led to them talking about other stars who have been around a long time and haven't aged very well.
Howard noticed that Ant and George had exchanged numbers before he left. George said he's a neighbor of his out in California so he may have him over for dinner. Robin figured that was his euphemism for having sex with the guy. George thought that was pretty funny.
Crazy Alice called in to talk to George Takei. She said she's not an ignorant woman, she's just angry about stuff. George had made a comment about her earlier in the week where he said she sounds kind of ignorant so she wanted to defend herself.
George said that he thinks Alice has the ability to get past her anger and move on with her life. Howard interrupted him so Alice went nuts on him. Howard said he wanted to cut the bullshit because George doesn't know what he has here. Alice told Howard that he hates being interrupted so he shouldn't do it to other people. She was going crazy on him and told him to shut up and let George finish.
George was trying to get a word in but Alice was still going crazy on Howard. He was able to talk to her a little bit and let her know what he felt about her anger. Howard said that maybe she should play the part of Uhura on the Star Trek thing that George is shooting for the internet. Artie did his impression of Alice and got her even more pissed off.
Artie kept doing his impression of Alice and that got her to bad mouth him and tell him to jump off the roof like his father did. That was pretty rough, even for Alice. She was calling him names, calling him fat and all kinds of other things. Artie didn't care, he just kept doing his impression as she was yelling at him. They were talking over each other so it was like Dueling Crazy Alice's.
Artie stopped at one point and asked how she's able to do that so long. Howard let them go at it for a couple more minutes and told Artie to see how much longer he could keep going. He figured they'd be there until about 4 o'clock. All Artie had to do was say something in his Alice voice and she'd go nuts on him. Howard had Artie stop for a short time to let Alice slow down a little bit. She thought Howard had to get going so she was slowing down but got all revved up again when Howard said Artie wanted to say one more thing to her.
Howard said Alice seemed to be running out of steam but then she started cursing Artie out again. She finally started so Artie threw in one more ''fuck you...'' as Alice which got her going all over again. She had some funny comments about Artie being over weight and stuff.
Howard told Alice he had to get going, at about 11:05, since it was getting so late. Artie got her all revved up again and had her screaming at him again a short time later. Howard played a couple of Crazy Alice song parodies as he was trying to wrap things up with her. He asked Alice if her neighbors can hear her. She said she was in the bathroom doing this so hopefully they won't hear her. Artie went off on her once again but Alice was done by then. She said she didn't want to hear him anymore.
By the end of the call Artie and Alice were friends again. She said goodbye to him as if nothing had happened. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he'd be willing to pay an extra dollar a month to hear Alice doing her own show. Howard said that Alice should have been at Artie's roast last week. He had Robin start her news a short time later. It was already 11:10 by that time.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told George that he did a great job all week. George said he's had a lot of fun. Jeff is still trying to get over the death of his mother but he told the guys he'll hang in there.
Today's Impressions Week special was over around 10:40am.