Howard started off the show doing his lame morning DJ impression. He went on to talk about the show they had coming up and how they had Lorenzo Lamas calling in and his wife coming in to talk about her Playboy layout. They spent a short time talking about her and her mother. Howard also talked about Lorenzo and how he wouldn't mind looking like him.

Howard said Fred had a nice beginning to the show. He said someone suggested playing the beginning of the show during the show sometime. Fred said they'll have to try that sometime. Howard said he'd like to do that.

Howard said he was reading the NY Times the other day and he just can't get through it. He said he ordered it but he just can't sit and read the whole thing. He was looking at it and they were talking about computers and how you can control them with spoken commands and other ways. They're now saying that you can control a computer with your thoughts.

Howard read the article about how people can spell out words with their mind with this special computer. The article said that you can control a joystick like device and other things with your mind. Robin said that sounded fascinated. Howard said by the year 2000 they'll be faxing the dead at the rate things are going.

Howard said he thinks that stuff is something else. He figures they'll be able to perfect it in 20 years or so. Howard said he'd love to be able to think up stuff and just have it show up on the computer. He said he can imagine his wife seeing what he's thinking by looking at a computer screen. He figures she's going to read about him telling Jessica Hahn to wrap her legs around him.

Howard read about Letterman wanting to stay there and his reasons for doing that. Howard said that guy has a lot of theories about doing his show. He read about how CBS is looking for a location for Letterman to go to when he does leave NBC.

Howard said he might need an audience of his own. He said he's always found them to be a pain in the ass though. Howard said they were going to try that at channel 9 but he put a stop to it. Howard said they did that at FOX and it didn't work. Howard said they get bored between segments. He said people would complain about the downtime.

Howard talked about what a show it was over there at FOX when they shot the pilots. Howard said they had no show business glamour over there at all. He talked about how they had no continuity over there or anything. Howard said he would beg them to start rolling tape after a half hour of downtime.

Howard and Robin talked about how crazy things would get over there. They had Jackie sitting under the desk because they had no where else for him to sit. Howard said he had to yell at the director, Peter Callabrese, all the time and he would look really miserable on camera.

Howard said they had Leslie West as the band leader and that was wild too. They had Steve Rossi there too and he just stood there and said nothing in the five shows they shot. Jackie said that was hysterical. They talked about how he wasn't able to read through his lines on the show so they just had him stand there.

Howard talked about how there was a lot of warring going on in the audience there. That's why he doesn't want an audience on his show now. He said the camera is his audience.

Howard said Dave is really concerned with his audience. He thinks that his show could be just as good if he didn't have an audience at all.

Howard mentioned that Lorenzo Lamas was going to be calling in while his wife was in studio too. Howard said they can hang up on him if he doesn't like the way things are going.

Howard took some phone calls after that. The first caller told him to move on to someone else. Howard did that. The next guy brought up the Greaseman and what a jerk he is. Howard said he has no control over who they hire there. He said he finds the practice of that company hiring people who he beats in the ratings to be kind of crazy. He doesn't understand that.

Howard said he developed the syndication deal and it makes him sick that other people jump in on that stuff. Howard said he doesn't like that this guy Doug Tracht, the Greaseman, never tried to put together anything like that and then he gets interviewed in the paper and claims he's never heard of Howard Stern when they put him on his network. Howard said all of these guys claim they're the ones who created this stuff. The caller said the guy did credit him with being a trailblazer.

Howard said the guy is always putting him down and he's really nothing. Howard said no one can do what he did in the ratings.

Howard said he was going to take a call from Dallas. Robin said they should have a lot to talk about because there were riots down there the night before. Robin said they were supposed to be welcoming the Cowboys back and they ended up rioting.

Robin read the article about the riots and gave Howard some of the details. She read that there were black kids jumping on white people. Howard said it sounds like things could get really bad out there. He tried to take another call from Dallas but no one was on the line. He figured out that they're an hour delayed there so they weren't even hearing the show yet.

Howard took a call from a guy who asked ''what's up'' which is the wrong thing to do. Howard read the rules off to the guy and gave him some suggestions for him. The caller said he wanted to hear the KKK guy since they were talking about the race wars down in Dallas. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy.

Robin read some more details about the riots down in Dallas. Howard asked the next caller what was going on down there in Dallas. The guy said he was down there and there weren't enough cops. He said 35 percent of the kids in school were out for day down there.

Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to wish Robin a Happy Valentine's Day. Howard said he wanted the comments directed at him. The guy went on to say that he saw a channel 11 news story about David Dinkens and how much he was sweating.

Another caller said she loved the Butt Bongo Fiesta videotape. Howard said they had fun doing that tape. The woman also said some people put her down for listening to Howard and she doesn't understand that. Howard said those people all listen too and they just lie about it. The woman said the other guys she used to listen to have nothing on Howard.

Howard took another call from a guy who said he saw a record of Howard called ''50 Ways to Insult Your Mother.'' Howard said that album was awful. He said the guy shouldn't even buy it because it's so bad. Howard said he wanted to put out some of his bits on a disk but the guy he was working for told him ''no.'' Howard said he tried to recreate some of his bits but it's just something that didn't work. He said he's not proud of that album. It didn't capture the spirit of what they were all about back then. Howard had to hang up on that guy too because he had his radio on. He had to go to break after that.

Howard had the final ballot for the American Comedy Awards. He said he got a copy to mail back. Howard read that it was supposed to be sent back by the 8th and it was the 10th. Howard said his agent sent that over to him late, not Gary.

Howard read the list of actresses who were nominated and had something to say about each of them. Howard said he didn't like any of the women. He said he won't vote for any of them. Then he read the list of guys in the actor category and didn't seem to like many of them. Howard said he might vote for Garry Shandling or Jerry Seinfeld.

Howard read that Elaine Boosler was nominated for a special she did. Howard said she's the worst. Howard said she's been in comedy forever and she claims that she's never found a show worthy of doing. Howard said Whoopi Goldberg isn't funny like that either. Bette Midler was nominated too so Howard went off on her. He didn't like any of the nominees in that category either. Howard said there isn't one funny person in there.

Howard read through another category and said he'd have to vote for George Carlin or Dana Carvey. Howard said he can't believe he's not nominated for an award for being on the Tonight Show but Bette Midler was. Howard said that's crazy.

Howard read through some more categories and picked them all apart. He said it went on and on. He said he wasn't nominated for anything.

The caller sang a couple of songs and Howard said he was going to be very honest with him. Jackie told him to let the guy sing a few different types of music. Howard said he could only take so much of that.

Howard told the guy he was horrible. He said he was being dead serious too. Howard said he can sing about as good as he can. Howard said this guy isn't going to be a big star and he's not going to pass him off to a record company.

Howard asked the guy if he's ever been paid to sing. The guy was listening to himself on the radio. The guy said he's in his guard shack so Howard told him to be the best guard he can and maybe he'll be a cop some day. The caller said he's looking to be a singer. Howard told him to practice saying ''would you like fries with that Big Mac?'' The guy did it and Howard told him he sounded good doing that.

Howard told the guy that he will never be a singer. He said that he's going to chase that dream for 10 years and he will never make it anywhere. Howard said he's wasting his time and maybe he should start his own guard company or something like that.

Howard told the guy to become a singing cop or something. The caller said he wanted to sing one more song for him. Howard said maybe he should change his mind just to fool the guy. Howard told the guy that was pretty good after he sang again. Howard told him to stay in music. Howard was just jerking the guy around. Howard said he had the number for an agent that he could call. He gave out Jackie's joke line at 516-922-WINE (9463) and told him the guy's name is Peter Groper.

Howard told the guy he was a good singer and wished him luck with his career. The guy said he can sing just as good as anyone out there. Howard said black people laugh at that guy as he was hanging up on him. Howard said he was going to give him the name Bill Collector or Peter Groper.

Howard said he and Harold were going to work on a movie together but things kind of fell apart. Harold said he had a good idea for the movie. Howard said he was thinking about some of his great movies but then he thought about Club Paradise and how bad that was. Howard also mentioned Caddyshack 2 and how bad that turned out. Harold said that was partially due to Rodney backing out of doing that one.

Howard said that J.F. Lawton is working on Fartman now. Harold said he went through the Fartman stage already. Howard said it's not all about farts, it's a love story. Howard was going to get into that but he ended up talking about the Groundhog Day movie instead.

Howard said he thought the movie was great but the ads for it were just bad. Howard said he thought the commercials made it look like Caddyshack 2 or something.

Howard asked Harold about the movie and how they made it very interesting even though you'd think they'd do the same things over and over again. Howard said they had to go to break but they'd come back and talk to Harold some more.

Howard said he met Bill Murray one time and he was really taken with himself. Howard said he's not sure what he'd do without Harold Ramis. Howard told him to say that he was a pain in the ass. Harold said he was but he was great too. Howard asked Harold if Chevy Chase is a pain in the ass too. Harold said he's not.

Howard asked Harold if it's hard to act. Harold said it's really not. He said that's just a hobby of his. Harold said it's not that hard to do a movie because you do things in 5 second shots so you don't need to memorize the whole script. Howard said he doesn't want to memorize things so he's happy to hear that.

Howard said he had to tell Harold how great the movie was. He said he and Robin were talking about how great it was after they saw it. Harold said he had a tough time convincing Bill Murray that it was good.

Howard said he met Bill Murray at NBC one time and he caught a vibe that he didn't like him with the long hair and all. Harold said he's really not judgmental.

Howard said he didn't think Harold even had to be there today to promote the movie because it has such a good vibe. Harold said he was getting that vibe from the show. He said he listens every day. Howard asked Harold how much he's worth. Harold wasn't saying.

After an edited out break Gary came in and told Howard that Mrs. Lorenzo Lamas was there. Howard said he still had Harold there. Howard said he would get to her when he was done with Harold.

Howard asked Harold when he wrote Animal House. Harold said he was around 32 years old or so. He said he used to do some Second City stuff too. Howard and Robin threw out a bunch of questions for Bill and asked him about who he works with and who represents him and stuff.

Howard told Harold that his movie is going to gross like $150 million. He told him to just wait and see how that goes.

Howard asked Harold about his marriages. Harold said he was married for 18 years the first time. They talked about how that went and how Harold had met her. They also talked about Harold's high school years and things like that.

Howard asked Bill about how he got started in the business and talked about getting involved with Animal House. Harold told Howard a couple of details about that. Howard said that women must have come on to him after that movie. Harold said he had some coming on to him before that.

Howard said he didn't like the name of the new movie ''Groundhog Day'' but it's very unique and a good idea. He said the guy wakes up and the same day keeps happening over and over again. Howard said the guy almost becomes a Superman because of it. Howard said he loved it and Andie MacDowell looked really good in it.

Howard said that everyone should go out and see this movie. Howard said even Chris Elliot was good in the movie and he can't stand that guy.

Howard asked Harold where he met his new wife. Harold said she worked on the movie ''Club Paradise.'' He didn't want to give Howard all of the details but Howard dragged them out of him. Harold said he needed an assistant and she worked for him for a year before he figured he should be with her. Howard said that sounds like a good job. He said his assistant is Gary so he won't be trying to get him. Howard wrapped up with Harold and said he had to take a break.

Howard told Gary to bring Kathleen in. He said Lorenzo seems to pick up and dump a lot of chicks. Robin said he did that a couple of times but now he's found her.

Howard said Kathleen looks like her mother Abby Dalton. Howard said he likes the movies she does where she kicks ass. He asked her if she can really do that stuff. She said she can. Howard said he'd wrestle her naked if she wanted.

Kathleen said that Lorenzo had some knee surgery so he wasn't able to come in this morning. She said that he screwed up his knee doing karate so he had to have a ligament transplant. She said they use the ligament of a black woman in there.

Howard asked Kathleen about the Playboy picture. She said it was just the one picture but she was in that month's Playboy. Howard asked if she had implants. She claimed they were real. She also said that she's 125 pounds and 5'11'' tall. Howard said that's very thin. He asked if she was wearing panties. She said she was and she likes to wear comfortable stuff so they're regular panties that are very thin. Howard was trying to get her to show them but that wasn't happening.

Howard told Kathleen that he had to take a break but he also had to get Lorenzo on the phone. Howard wanted to ask him about why he got married, had a kid and then got divorced. Kathleen said they could call him if they wanted.

Kathleen was actually in to promote their TV show ''Renegade'' and not the Playboy thing. Howard asked if he could get a hug from her. She said he definitely could.

After an edited out break Howard came back and asked Kathleen how old she was. He said she looked 23 but she was actually 28. Howard said that Lorenzo would divorce her if she got heavy. She said they can ask about that. She said his last wife got fat so maybe that's true.

Howard asked if they could call Lorenzo. She said he could. He was at home with his leg up in a sling healing from the surgery.

Howard told Kathleen that she should be with a guy like him. He said he wouldn't want to lose her and he would never divorce her. Howard told Kathleen what he would do to her in bed and things like that. Howard asked her how she knows Lorenzo isn't faking the surgery and he's actually out cheating on her. She said she knows that his leg is really screwed up.

Howard asked Kathleen about her TV show ''Renegade'' and what that's about. She gave Howard some of the details about the show.

Howard told Kathleen that she hasn't had a lot of different guys and he thinks she should try out some other guys like him. He asked if she found him attractive. She said she did but Howard knew she was full of it.

Howard called Lorenzo after Kathleen gave him the number. Lorenzo picked up and said he wasn't listening this morning. Howard told him that he had her pants off. Howard asked her to come over and hug him while he had Lorenzo on the phone. Howard got the hug and then asked if he could kiss her neck. She ended up banging her head on the console.

Howard said Lorenzo is always having trouble with women. Howard said he falls in and out of love in just seconds. Howard said he knows Lorenzo is going to dump her when she gets one little flaw. Lorenzo doesn't get why he would tell her that.

Lorenzo talked about his surgery and how that went. He said in 3 months he should be back to normal. Lorenzo talked about that a little bit.

Howard said Lorenzo falls in love with any hot woman he meets. Howard said he loses interest when the women get fat and he moves on. Howard said he keeps his wife around no matter what. Lorenzo said Kathleen is going to be his last marriage. He said he's been divorced 2 times already. He said he stays monogamous when he's married though. He thinks that this will be his last.

Howard asked Lorenzo if he tells the women in person or through a lawyer when he divorces. Lorenzo said he does it in person.

Howard said you can't leave a woman while they're pregnant. Lorenzo said he waits until after they have the kid. Lorenzo said that accidents do happen and he's learned from that.

Lorenzo said that his wife now is great and she fills him in on her plans about getting pregnant unlike some other people. Howard asked Kathleen if Lorenzo ever slaps her around. She said ''Oh god no'' when he asked that. Howard asked if she's ever been tied up. She said he hasn't done that either. Lorenzo said he would hate it if he tied her up.

Lorenzo said that he broke up when his wife was pregnant by 5 or 6 months. He said she ended up having a miscarriage. He said she was an older woman and there was a risk. He said she went ahead with the pregnancy even though he didn't think she should risk it so that caused the rift in their marriage and he had to leave.

Howard asked Lorenzo about his second wife who was his publicist. Lorenzo said that was another mistake. He said he fell in lust and made a bigger deal out of it than it should have been. She got pregnant almost immediately. He said he had two kids with her. Then he had another one. Lorenzo said he's a good dad though and he didn't turn into a deadbeat dad like some do.

Howard asked Kathleen if she would show her panties if Lorenzo said it was okay. She said she would. Lorenzo said no. He said that he has to pay for it like everyone else. She ended up showing him anyway. Howard told Lorenzo that he should karate chop her in the stomach if she gets pregnant.

Howard told Lorenzo that Kathleen has nice boobs with the C-cups. Lorenzo said he never knew that much information about his other wives.

Lorenzo told Howard that after his wife came home with the baby he realized it wasn't for him having the kids around. He said he told her that he had to get out and he'd like to get a Christmas card from them once in a while. Lorenzo said that those women fooled him and told him they had protection and then all of a sudden they showed up pregnant. He said that they lied to him.

Howard gave Lorenzo and Kathleen some plugs for their TV show ''Renegade'' and said that it's the number one syndicated show. Howard thanked them for doing the show today and wrapped up with them a short time later. He asked for a kiss from Kathleen. She went over and said he could kiss her anywhere and he could even grab her butt. Howard did that and said she seems to be pretty horny. Howard said he just grabbed her buttocks. She said he had nice hands but they were a little sweaty. Howard wrapped up and let her go after that.

Jackie was saying that they're going to have to hold onto the tape from today's show and play it back when they do get divorced. Howard said he had to go to break after that.

Fred wasn't in the studio while they were talking about him so when he came back Howard told him what they were saying. He asked Fred why he didn't say anything to Lorenzo while he was on the phone. Fred said next time he will.

Robin got to her news and read about the AIDS ban being lifted by President Clinton. Howard and Robin spent a little time talking about that. Howard said he's worried about AIDS becoming airborne eventually and he's not sure why President Clinton is doing that.

Robin read a story about the chancellor of the New York City Schools possibly being denied another term. Robin said they've had 5 different ones in the past 10 years and the schools can't be doing well under that kind of instability. Howard gave his thoughts on that and said he thinks that parents have to raise their kids and the school's chancellor shouldn't matter. That led to Howard talking about growing up in Roosevelt and how he feels like Tarzan growing up the way he did.

Howard said he knew that there were kids in Roosevelt that had a future and they were shipped off to another school outside of Roosevelt. Howard said he wasn't able to get transferred out like those kids. He said he had his pants stolen from him one time. Howard said the point he was making was that the neighborhood he lives in now has parents bothering the schools every day. He said he doesn't have to worry because they're down there every day. He said even his wife is down there.

Howard said the next school chancellor shouldn't even bother doing anything because it's not going to help. He went on to tell the story about having his pants stolen and how that went for him. Howard said it wasn't even a school, it was more like a hang out. They had to go to break after that rant.

After the break, around 6:05pm, Howard came back and talked about how the guys they compete against up in Albany are holding a funeral for them. Howard said he can't wait for them to show up to New York City and try that. Howard said he was reading that they were already up to number 5 in the Albany market and they've only been up there for 2 months. Howard said he thinks that's a victory already. They must be getting nervous up there. Howard said those guys can hold as many funerals as they want to up there. He said it can only help them.

Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read about the riots down in Dallas that were going on after they held a parade for the Dallas Cowboys. Howard asked where the parents are for these kids. Robin said the kids should be in school. Howard said the parents don't care where their kids are, that's what he's trying to explain.

Robin said they were saying that this stuff could have been gang related. That led to them talking about the Jenny Jones show and some of the guests she's had on lately. Howard said they had some black women on there who were screaming and not making any sense and Jenny didn't bother asking what it was they said, she just let it go on. Howard said he doesn't know what's going on there.

Robin read a story about a man who shot up a hospital in Los Angeles. The guy had AIDS and was trying to get some pain meds when he shot it up. Robin said that kind of thing can drive people over the edge when the economy is doing poorly like it is.

Robin read about David Letterman talking about staying in New York when he moves from NBC to CBS. Robin said they're looking at properties there in the City for Dave. Howard said they should just go in and tape the show. He said going out to Los Angeles would be fine too. He said that's where all of the guests are anyway.

Howard said Dave is going to miss that 12:30 time slot. He said that being up against the Love Phone is different than being up against the Tonight Show. Howard said he might not be so smug when he's on at 11:30. Howard said Dave may have to fix his teeth too. He's not going to be able to do the same show he was doing at 12:30.

Robin read a story about how the sex allegation probe into Woody Allen may have been held back. She said that they may have been told not to mess with Woody when they were going to investigate. Howard asked Woody (Wood Yi AKA Steve The Engineer) to come into the studio to talk about that. Wood Yi had some lines to read after Howard asked him a few things. Wood Yi joked about a loaded diaper being a turn on and joked about some other things. Wood Yi said he loves nudeness. Howard got a laugh out of that stuff.

Howard asked if there was a cover up in the investigation. Wood Yi would just tell jokes that Jackie was handing him. Howard asked what was going on with Sun Yee and he said that there's nothing better than molesting a little girl in the back of FAO Schwartz. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Wood Yi about the case. He had joke after joke from Jackie. He was joking about every answer.

Robin got back to her news and read about Joey Buttafuoco. She said that there were a couple of guys who came out saying that Joey had talked about having sex with Amy Fisher. The cops heard about it before the guys were going to go on a TV show and they were taken away to be questioned about it. Robin said they guys claimed that Joey had bragged about giving Amy her first orgasm and things like that.

Robin said they're having a homeless sweep in part of the city this week. They're going to be clearing them out of an area and will offer them a shelter to stay in. She read about one homeless guy who went nuts and had been seen doing all kinds of scary things but they didn't lock him up. They released him even though he had pushed a girl in front of a bus.

Robin read a story about Corey Haim turning 21 and having been in and out of drug rehabs. He just got into trouble again for target shooting behind his manager's house. His manager claims he was threatening him and not target shooting.

Robin read about a movie that's in the works to remake The Magnificent 7 with Eddie Murphy starring. She said there was a story about him wanting to shave his head for the role. Howard said he wouldn't have to do that, that's insane. Howard said there's no reason for him to be bald for that part.

Robin read a story about this guy who was known as Uncle Ed. The guy was paying teenage boys for their underwear and sex. Howard said that guy made a fortune doing that. Howard said he never really hurt anyone, he just watched kids going to the bathroom. Robin said that the kids were hurt by having that done. Robin said the guy is dying of AIDS in jail now and he wants to get out to get treatment.

Robin read some news about Jeffrey Dahmer as well. She read about some of the details he's given out about the guys he used to pick up. She said he's taking all of the responsibility for what he did and didn't blame any of it on the porn he used to watch.

Robin read a story about a young couple that was having sex on a dance floor. She said they were doing that on a dance floor near a DJ booth. About 100 other people watched as they were doing it. A cop came up and interrupted them.

Robin read about an Andy Griffith show reunion that was going to be on that night. Robin read the names of the actors and actresses that were going to be in the special. They had a bunch of the original cast coming back.

Robin read about Oprah Winfrey interviewing Michael Jackson that night. Robin said she claims that she's going to ask him all the questions people want to know. Howard asked if that was going to be live. Robin wasn't sure about that.

Robin said that Eddie Murphy was going to be the host of this week's Friday Night Videos. She also read that there's a warrant out for the arrest of Howard Rollins, an actor from the TV show ''In the Heat of the Night.''

Robin read a couple of other stories before wrapping up her news. She had some TV show previews and things like that. Howard ended the show a short time later.

• Master Tape Theatre - March 31, 1993. 05/16/10. 3:00pm
  This week's Master Tape Theatre was not in my archives. I've written it up as if I were hearing the show for the first time. Full details can be found in my 1993 Archives.

• Various Discussions. 03/31/1993. 2:45pm
  Show opening bits and songs included: Howard and guests performing ''Lucky Man'' live in the Howard Stern Show studio, a David Letterman introduction for Howard Stern.

  Howard started the show taking a break that was edited out. Howard came back and talked to Robin about Amy Fisher running around naked in jail. Howard read a story about her and said she's apparently having a great time in there. Robin said she read about her friends and how she's aligned herself with some people called the Bull Daggers so she doesn't get beat up. Howard said that sounds like a nightmare. He said he'd probably just kill himself if that happened to him. He said he'd love to see that though.

  Robin said she read that she puts her bra on her head like a hat. Howard said it's like all of a sudden Joey Buttafuoco is a party. Howard told Robin to imagine her in jail with her bra on her head as a hat. He said it would be like a 10 gallon hat. Jackie said she'd be Garth Quivers. Howard said he'd love to see that too. He said they have to get their TV show back so they can show what that would look like.

  Howard tried to take a phone call but there was no one there. He gave up. Howard said he's been writing his book and about what went on at the channel 9 show when they were doing that. Howard said he was going through the old shows and realized how great they were. Howard said that whole thing was pretty ambitious. Howard said they had to give it up because they were working so hard on it. Howard said he was on his computer 24 hours a day working on scripts and stuff.

  Howard said he just didn't have enough help to do that show. He said he likes doing the E! TV show because it doesn't take up all of his time. He said he was on the phone working on that the other day and they were telling him who he was going to interview. He said he came up with some ideas for the show but they reminded him it's just an interview show. He said he'd still try to slip in ideas for the guest but they keep reminding him they don't do bits.

• Howard Takes Some Phone Calls, Talks About FCC Problems. 03/31/1993. 2:55am
  Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he's supposed to do now that he's on the air. Howard hung right up on him. Another caller said some people think he should be taken off in Chicago but he doesn't think they should. Howard said there's a lot of history there and they just need some time before they beat that fat, lazy, bastard Steve Dahl. Howard said it takes a little time to beat people in these markets. He said he will eventually beat them though. Howard said it doesn't just take a couple of weeks. It took them a long time in Philly to beat the Zookeeper. It took 3 years down there. Howard said if he doesn't win then maybe he's not a national performer.

  Howard said when it's time for him to go then the people will let him know. That's why Jack Parr left the Tonight Show. He knew when to get out. Robin said that's why he's been sitting home for the past 30 years.

  Howard said there's a story about the Zookeeper in the paper. He said they were giving a tour of the station to some college kids and they took them into a room and asked what they wanted to hear. Howard said that they were grilled and asked what they should be doing. Howard said that's some way to program your station.

  Howard read the article and talked about how their ratings are sinking every month over there at WMMR. Howard said it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. He said the people of Philadelphia must be rejoicing. Robin said they have saved them.

  Howard said that a lot of these stations that are syndicating shows are going to fail. He said he's heard these guys so he knows it.

  Howard took a call from a woman who wasn't sure if she was talking to Howard or not. Howard told her that she had to lower her radio. She had a problem with getting through on the Albany line. Howard said that it's no different than anyone else. Howard said he thinks that people are under pressure to perform when they call in but it's no more stupid up there than anywhere else.

  The caller said she thinks Howard is right on about mother-in-laws and subjects like that. She said she would like to get on the line to talk about she can never get through. She didn't have anything to talk about today though. She said that she did want to talk about people complaining about how dirty he is. Howard said he's at his wits end with the FCC at this point. Robin said it's like harassment. Howard said he has been singled out as an example.

  Howard said the new theory is that after he wished Al Sykes' cancer spread around his body they got upset with him and came after him. Howard got tired of the caller so he hung up on her. Howard goofed on her a little bit after hanging up on her.

  Howard said he was talking to some people about the FCC and he's tired of being fined. Howard said they should be able to take it to court to find out if he's really ''indecent'' but they can't seem to make that happen. He said he wants to take it to the Supreme Court. Howard said if he is indecent then he should be off radio. Howard said they're harassing him and his sponsors among other people. Howard said that everyone is caught up in this.

  Howard said the FCC has been holding up the sale of radio stations so that's just wrong. He said they can't do that. Howard said they think he's indecent but they have no right to decide that. Howard said they have to let the marketplace decide what's indecent. Howard said they thought he was just going to go away like he was a flash in the pan. That's not happening. Howard said there's a good editorial in the NY Post today about everyone wanting to save children but it's the parents who are abandoning the kids and taking advantage of Welfare. They can't save all of the children. The parents have to do that themselves and stay with them.

  Howard said people are saying he's ruining children even though he doesn't have any kids listening to his show. That's not who tunes in to hear him. Howard said nothing is going to happen if they get him off radio. Kids are still going to be messed up.

  Howard said he gets a lot of FCC complaints when he goes on in new markets. They want to get rid of him and the FCC has a bug up its ass about him. He said he got on the air and said he hoped that chairman Sykes would get cancer around his whole body. Then the people at the FCC went ballistic. They took it personal and now they're going after him with a vengeance. Howard said they think he should be fired. Howard said he has to come out with this stuff now so people know. Robin said it's like there is no free speech in this country. Howard said there is free speech but not when it comes to him.

  Howard said he wants to take this to the Supreme Court and get this straightened out. If they find him to be obscene then he'll leave radio. He said they just won't take it to court though.

  Howard said when he made that comment the FCC went ballistic like they think he has control over someone's cancer. Howard said he was angry that day and he has thought about that statement since then. He doesn't think it was wrong. Howard said he has wished for people to die since he was a kid. That doesn't kill them though.

  Howard said maybe he should play goofy noises behind him when he talks about stuff like that. Fred did that but Howard told him to stop after a few seconds. He went off on Fred about not offering to do voices when they're doing bits on the show. He said maybe Fred will do that sometime in the next 5 years.

  Howard goofed on Fred for a minute and then got back to the FCC stuff. Howard said he thinks he wants Fred to die of cancer too. Fred wanted him to go to a commercial but Howard said there's no way he's sitting in the studio with Fred during the break after that discussion. Howard told Fred he loves him.

• Lunch With Leslie West. 03/31/1993. 3:15pm
  Howard changed subjects and talked about going out to lunch with the guys. They went to Leslie West's brother's restaurant. Robin asked where it was. Howard said it was him, Dee and Fred listening to Leslie telling stories. He did his Leslie impression and goofed on him for a couple of minutes. Howard said Leslie was talking about being on methadone and how he ballooned up to 350 pounds because of that.

  Gary said he liked some of those stories and told Howard his favorites. Howard said that his father would have kicked him through a plate glass window if he had been on heroin.

  Howard and the guys talked about some of the drug stories they heard from Leslie. Howard said Leslie is clean now so these were old war stories. Howard said they told stories about playing while they were on acid and things like that. Howard said he can't imagine playing on acid because you'd be hallucinating so much.

  Howard said the restaurant was really nice. He talked about eating a ton of bread and how he's constantly hungry.

  Howard had Leslie on the phone so he picked up on him and talked to him about the drug stuff and the lunch last night. Leslie said they had a good time. Howard said they really did. Howard said Leslie was telling stories about playing with some great bands. Leslie started telling more stories so Howard muted his voice and told Robin this is what the whole lunch was like. Howard said it was like a cooking show about drugs.

  Every time Leslie would start telling a story Howard would mute his voice and fill Robin in on how this was going at lunch. Howard goofed on Leslie while Leslie was rambling on about these stories.

  Howard told Leslie the food was great at that restaurant. Howard said he gets so hungry after 5 hours on radio. He said the food was great and they had a great time. Howard wrapped up with Leslie a short time later and let him go.

  Howard said Robin really missed some fun. Howard said he is a very regimented guy and he has to stay on schedule. Howard said it's hard for him to have a good time when he goes out. Howard said they were there until 1 or 1:30. Howard said he had to leave to go back to meet with Ralph after that. Howard said he had to go to break after that.

• Cleveland Radio Station Discussions. 03/31/1993. 3:35pm
  After the break Howard said he got an interesting fax. He read the fax which was from someone in Cleveland. The guy told Howard that their program director edited the show. Howard said he thinks they took care of that. He said that the PD might have written a letter to the newspaper agreeing with them that he's wrong though so he doesn't know what's going on there.

  Howard said he wonders if the Cleveland newspaper people wrote about the boat accident out there and downplayed it. Howard said he was trying to make a point about what happened out there and how they should take boating safety more seriously. Howard said he bets that they're not doing an editorial about boating safety out there. Howard said the guys who died on the boat could have killed other people. Howard said you don't grieve for drunk drivers so they shouldn't be grieving for these pitchers that were killed.

  Howard said he got this apology letter from Doug Podell. He read the letter and goofed on Doug's grammar a bit.

  Howard had some feedback from a fan too and that led to him talking about how Rolling Stone had sold a picture of him that they took for their magazine. Howard said he didn't know that they did that. Howard said he wanted to buy them back from them so they can't do that. Howard said he can't trust anyone.

  Howard said he did a photo shoot with E! for the TV show and he asked them to send one over to him. Then he found out that someone else owns the pictures. He said that it was supposed to be a private session for them but then they sold them to some guy. He said it's really weird. Howard said this guy owns the pictures and he figures photography is a weird business. Howard said they're pictures of him so he should own them.

  Howard read more of the letter from Doug Podell and he was saying that he never makes the same mistake twice. Howard said Doug is right about that. Doug was also saying that he's looking forward to him being number one there in Cleveland.

  Howard also had the letter that Doug wrote to the newspaper in Cleveland. He read through that and Doug was trying to explain why Howard did what he did. He was also saying that they have the ability to edit out stuff from the show that they feel is inappropriate. Howard said that's not true. Legally he can't do that. Howard said Doug edited out something about the boating accident out there and Doug didn't even hear the song before he edited it out. They had to send him tape of the parody so he could hear what it was.

  Howard said Doug was ass kissing the Cleveland Plain Dealer with this letter. He said he didn't have to write to them. Howard said Doug should call them before he has a thought like that. Howard said Doug has to start using his head. Howard said they should call Doug and talk to him about this stuff. He said he had to take a break first.

• More FCC Rants. 03/31/1993. 3:50pm
  After an edited out break Howard was talking about the FCC and how Clinton hasn't done anything to help. Howard said they could vote him out of office too. Howard said he was doing a rap earlier about the FCC. He went over that stuff again and talked about the big fines they've had filed against them. Howard said that the FCC guys went crazy for what he said about Sykes' cancer. Howard said the reason he's coming out with it now is because he has to let everyone know why they're going after him. Howard said he wants a court case tomorrow and if he's obscene then he'll step down tomorrow.

  Howard said everyone is telling him to be quiet and it'll all go away. He said he tried that and it's not going away.

  Howard said he didn't feel bad about the whole cancer thing. He said people take him so seriously while other people on radio are wishing death on white people and black people and all of that.

  Howard said that the FCC has been threatening their other stations now and they're not letting them buy or sell stations right now. Howard said they're threatening to take away their licenses too. Howard said they're not doing anything indecent or obscene. Howard said they're trying to pressure him off the airwaves. He's tried to tell reporters about this but they don't help.

  Howard said the whole thing is weird and he doesn't want to spend all of his time talking about this. Howard said this stuff has nothing to do with protecting kids either. He said that what they're doing isn't hurting anyone. Howard said they're out of order.

• Howard Calls Doug Podell. 03/31/1993. 3:55pm
  Howard called Doug Podell to talk about what's going on out in Cleveland. Doug missed what he was saying because he was in the shower. He said his wife heard what Howard was saying though.

  Howard asked Doug why he had to write that letter to the newspaper. Doug said that he was in a meeting and he was overruled. He said management of the station suggested that he write this letter. He said he has to play both sides. He said that all they deleted from the show that day was one song that was 90 seconds long. Howard said he doesn't want them editing the show and he was right about what he was saying about those guys on the boat. Howard said the people at the Cleveland Plain Dealer are a bunch of phonies. Howard said that they're not writing about drunk drivers even after it was found those guys on the boat were drunk.

  Howard asked Doug if he's a lackey for the station or something. Doug just laughed. Doug told Howard he made the decision to cut that song out for various reasons and he still thinks he was right. Howard told him he was wrong and he can't be cutting out any of the show.

  Howard told Doug not to write anymore letters to the newspaper either. Doug said it's not a pretty picture right now with the newspaper and the radio station. He said the town is in an uproar about what Howard was saying. Howard told him it doesn't matter.

  Howard said that if he has enough ratings then the advertisers are going to advertise. He said he doesn't have to worry so much. Howard told Doug to take a note. He gave him some suggestions on what he can write to the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Howard told them to print the truth about what happened with the boating accident. Doug said they did that, they were just waiting for confirmation on it.

  Howard said that he's just a radio guy and no one has ever gotten this much press. Howard said he's like the President of the United States. Howard said he should go in there and smack those guys over the head. Howard said he's going to be saying a lot of things that are going to be controversial so he should get used to it.

  Howard and Doug went back and forth talking about that stuff. Howard told Doug to calm down with those letters and just let them handle everything themselves. He let Doug go a short time later.

  Howard and Robin continued to talk about Doug for a minute after letting him go. Howard said maybe he's on self destruct and he's trying to lose all of his own audience. He went to break a short time later.

• Robin In People Magazine. 03/31/1993. 4:10pm
  After an edited out break Howard came back and said that Robin really had some nice things to say about him in People magazine. Robin said she was surprised that he was shocked. Howard said he's not even done reading it yet. Robin was in the magazine with her cat and her apartment. Howard said they made her jump up and down with her big boobs almost popping out of her shirt. He said they must have done that on purpose.

  Howard talked about some of the stuff Robin said in her article. He read through some of the article where they talk about Robin's life in the past and how she got on the show.

  Howard read an excerpt where they talked about Robin hearing Howard for the first time and thinking he was very innovative and she wanted to work with him as soon as she heard the tape. Robin has been with Howard ever since.

  Howard read more of the details in the article and goofed on Robin about the cat thing and stuff like that. There were some faxes from fans who were wondering if she had ever made love on that zebra rug in her apartment.

  Howard and Jackie were talking about how they think about Robin naked sometimes. Howard asked about the zebra rug again and about the glass table she has. He wondered if she has had sex on that too. Howard said that would be like a poo poo platter if she did it on there. They spent a few more minutes talking about that before they had to take a break.

• Stuttering John Stories From Phone Callers. 03/31/1993. 4:30pm
  After the break Howard said he was going to take calls from all of their markets. He mentioned as many cities as he could remember. Howard also gave Jackie a plug for a magazine he's writing for. Howard took a call from a guy who told a story about Stuttering John. He said he saw John on a beach and John kicked sand in his face so he went to get in his face and John backed down like a pussy. The guy said that he has hung out with John a few times and smoked some doobs with him too.

  Howard asked what John is out there doing. John came in and Howard filled him in on the story. John said that he's lying. The caller said he's not lying and that was bullshit. John said he never got into a fight on the beach. John said that he was wrong for throwing sand if he really did that. John said he would never back down in a fight though.

  Howard asked John what he's doing. John said he always wails sand at his friends at the beach. Howard said he shouldn't be screwing around like that. Howard said John is too old to be doing that. John asked the caller if he was out of breath. The guy said he was so John said maybe that's why he'd back down. John said he wails the sand from in the water so people don't know where it came from. Howard said that's really childish and John is almost 30 years old now.

  Howard asked John about smoking weed. John said he gets it from Jackie. John apologized to the caller if he did throw sand at him.

  John said he can't smoke weed anymore. He said he has to figure out how to make brownies. Howard said he's anti-drug so he doesn't want to hear about that.

  The caller kept asking if he could win some Dead tickets so Howard said he'd put him on hold and maybe he'd let him play a game later. He might have him play a Guess Who's the Jew game.

  Howard took a call from a cop who said he had a run in with John the other day. He said they know everyone on the show. He said he saw John walking down the street by himself and they asked him how he was doing and John just stuck his hand up and kept walking. John said he was late to something by an hour and a half and he had to get there so he kept moving. Howard said he always talks to the cops if they recognize him. Howard said he wouldn't have blown them off. John was saying he had weed on him so that's why he kept moving. Howard told John he has to stop with that.

  Mike Gange came in and told a story about someone who met John and he backed into the guy and then backed down when he confronted John. John said he doesn't back down. Howard said John is out of control.

  Howard talked to John about his running from the cops and things like that for a minute. Howard said they could have a spin off series about John and his out of control life.

  Howard spent a minute talking to the cop on the phone. The guy said that the city is out of control and they're losing it. He said they like to do the Fafa Fooey thing on the radios when they're out there working.

  John told Howard a story about what a cop did to him. He said the guy goofed on him by pulling him out of an appearance like he was going to arrest him but then said that they were just goofing on him.

  Howard told John he's out of control. He told the cop to pick him up next time he sees him. He spent a minute talking to the cop about his job and when he was last shot at. He said it was just two weeks ago. The guy said that he works in the Bronx. He talked about the drug problems and why the laws are never going to stop it.

  Howard talked to John more about the weed smoking and how he has to stop throwing sand at people. Howard said he has to stop glomming drinks from people too. John said he doesn't glom drinks. Howard asked John if he's done with his record yet. John said it should be done this summer. He was thinking about asking Leslie West to help. He said he can't get Joe Walsh on the phone anymore. John said that he was asked to play lead on Roger Clinton's album. Gary said that might be Joe blowing him off because he's not returning his calls either.

• Guess Who's The Jew. 03/31/1993. 4:50pm
  After an edited out break Howard came back and said that they had Kurt Waldheim Jr. (Fred) in the studio. Kurt said a few words before getting to his game. Howard talked to him about being a Nazi and how evil he is. Kurt was talking about how he can pick out anyone of any race from a group of people.

  Howard got the caller back on the line who was on earlier asking to play a game. The caller was Italian. Howard asked if he knows any Jews. The guy said he does and he doesn't particularly like them. He said the Jews he knows are either cheap or a pain in the ass. Howard asked if he would go to their homes for dinner or anything. The guy said he wouldn't.

  The caller said he would date a Jewish woman but he's not really fond of the Jews usually. He usually dates Italian girls. Howard said maybe he learned about the Jews killing Jesus in Catholic school and that's why he has this hate. The caller said he doesn't even remember any of that stuff.

  Howard asked the caller how he identifies the Jews. He said he can do it by the size of their nose. Howard said the Italians can have big noses too though.

  Howard asked the guy if he dislikes anyone other than the Jews. The caller said he hates the ''towel heads.'' Howard said they have a clear understanding of this guy now so it was time to play the game. Howard said the guy has to really win to get the tickets.

  Kurt gave the choices of Morley Safer, Harry Reasoner and Ed Bradley. They're all from the show 60 Minutes. Howard went over it with the caller trying to help him figure out who the Jew was in that group. The caller picked Harry Reasoner. Kurt said that it was actually Morley Safer. Howard had guessed the right one.

  The caller asked if he could get a replay and try again. Howard said he would do that after taking another break. Howard said the caller is pathetic. Howard told Kurt to calm down over there. He went to break after that.

  After the break Howard said they have Richard Belzer coming in to sit in during the news. He got the caller back on the line to try Guess Who's the Jew again. Howard said maybe he'll look at the Jews in a different way now.

  Kurt had some more choices for the caller. This time he had folk singers. He gave the guy Donovan, Harry Chapin and Peter Yarro. Howard tried to help the caller out again going over each of his choices. The caller, Dominic, said that he was going to pick Peter Yarro. Howard said he was going to pick that one too. Kurt told him he just won the tickets. He was right.

• Howard Goofs On Lame New Orleans DJs. 03/31/1993. 5:05pm
  Howard said he was taking calls from all of the markets but he only took calls from one market. Howard said he would take another call and then a break before Robin started her news. Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they had any ratings from New Orleans yet. Howard said he didn't have anything yet. Robin didn't know of any yet either. The caller said they have some guys called the Radio Gods down there and they're syndicated. Howard said they're syndicating everyone now.

  Howard had some audio of some DJs who were bad mouthing them on their show. Howard said these guys look really old too. Howard said guys in radio don't look like they belong in radio. He said that at least he kind of looks like he belongs in show business. Howard said these guys look like farmers or something. Robin said one of the guys had his belly hanging over his pants in a plaid shirt. Howard said radio guys have a loser mentality.

  Howard played the audio of these guys being interviewed. Howard said the guys talked about them in the whole interview. He let the audio play and the guys were talking about what they do on their own show. That led to Howard goofing on them about how lame they were with the bits they were bragging about.

  Howard pointed out what phonies these guys are. He played clips of their interview and would goof on them about just about anything they said. They had to go to break after that.

• Richard Belzer Visits. 03/31/1993. 5:25pm
  After the break Howard had Richard Belzer come in. Howard said he's on that show ''Homicide'' now and that's getting him on Letterman. Belzer said he was on Letterman last Friday. Howard said he saw Belzer on some comedy awards show recently too.

  Howard asked Belzer why he blacked out the He on the He hat. Belzer said it was actually grey. He said it looks cooler that way.

  Howard said Belzer never told them about how Belzer got hired by Barry Levinson. Belzer said he did tell that story and he credited Howard with that. Howard didn't think he had but Belzer insisted he had. Howard said Belzer got that job because Barry heard him on his show. Belzer said that's true and he's never not said that. Howard said he got him that job. He said that it's not easy making Belzer look good.

  Howard said Mr. T was on the show yelling about Belzer the other day. He said he has to play some of that stuff today. Richard asked Howard to put the word out there to his fans so they don't take his show off the air. Howard said no one is even watching that show but Belzer is talking about leaving comedy. He said in two months Belzer will be back on the show begging for plugs for his comedy shows.

  Howard said Belzer was doing an interview with a magazine and talking about how his mother spanked him. He said his mother isn't around to confirm or deny those stories though. Howard said his mom used to hit him too. Howard said Belzer is going on all of these TV shows talking about that stuff now too. He talked about some of the stuff Belzer was talking about and how he had never heard anything about this stuff before.

  Howard said Belzer talked about his mother dying in 1964 and he went to go visit her grave. Howard said he loved this. He said that Belzer went to visit her grave like 9 years ago and said he forgives her. He said it had no meaning because he didn't really forgive her. Belzer said it really didn't have any meaning. He said he went and looked at the grave and thought about how she beat him up so he wasn't going to forgive her. Belzer said he loved his father though. His father committed suicide.

  Howard asked Belzer why he's so bitter about Lorne Michaels. Belzer didn't want to talk about it. Howard said Harry Shearer hates him too and he read in his book that Harry wanted to name his book ''Lorne Michaels Must Die'' which was the funniest line in the movie.

  Howard said Belzer wasn't hired by Lorne even though he hired a bunch of other people he worked with in a movie. Belzer said he was asked to do some stuff for SNL like warming up the audience but he never even did that for him. Belzer said he thought that Lorne should have come through with that stuff. He said he did get a paycheck from the show but it was for $18. He said he had his manager call up the show to ask what was going on. They didn't take his calls. Belzer said he called himself and Lorne didn't take his calls either. He said Lorne lied and then he ignored him. Belzer said he heard stories about why that happened.

  Belzer said he bad mouthed Lorne in an article back in 1981 and he ran into him at a party one time. He said Lorne asked if he would stop bad mouthing him in articles after that.

  Howard asked Belzer about his father's suicide and found out that Belzer actually found him. Belzer said that he did it with a car. Robin asked if he ran himself over. Howard said Robin is a shock jock, that's why she's saying that stuff. Belzer said that his father really loved his mother and he got very lonely and depressed when she died. That led to him killing himself.

  Howard showed Belzer the People magazine pictures of Robin. they had some shots of her feet so Howard asked Belzer if he has ever kissed his wife's feet. Belzer said he has kissed every part of his wife. Howard had to take a break a short time later.

  After the edited out break Howard came back and said he had to get to some news. Howard asked Richard Belzer about working on Homicide and if he has to remember his lines. Belzer told Howard how he does that. He said that he will read it a few times, then tape the lines and play the tape over and over again trying to tech himself the lines. He said it's about half an hour per scene to learn the lines.

  Howard said he could just write the lines down and use cue cards. Belzer said that doesn't work for everyone. Howard said it worked for Marlon Brando. Belzer said that was Brando though.

  Howard and Belzer talked about the movie Howard is working on. Howard said that he has a lot of stories to tell about that. He said he could go on for hours about that. Howard asked Belzer about the Oscar awards and how Billy Crystal did hosting. Belzer said he doesn't like the Oscars.

  Howard played some audio of Mr. T on the show talking about Richard Belzer. In the clip Mr. T talked about what happened with Belzer on his TV show back in 1985 when he got dropped on his head. Mr. T said that Belzer sued him and Hulk Hogan over that but he didn't have to pay. Belzer said that Mr. T is a liar and a genetic experiment and he'll take him on anytime. Howard told him to watch it because he might get dropped on his head again.

• Robin's News. 03/31/1993. 5:50pm
  Howard wanted to get to some news. He had Robin get into some stories. Robin read stories about the boating accident in Cleveland. She had a lot of details on that. They spent a few minutes on that story before they had to take a break.

  After the break Howard talked to Belzer some more about his father's suicide and how they never heard that story before it came out just recently. Howard said the guy has been on the show for so many years and he never brought that story up.

  Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read some news about Amy Fisher's jail time and what she's been up to in there. Robin had a lot of details about that. Howard and Belzer talked about the story too.

  Robin read some news about Woody Allen, Mia Farrow and Sun Yi. She had some stories about how Woody had lied about some stuff when he was in some meeting. Howard said that's really bizarre behavior. He said that Belzer is oddly silent during this discussion. Howard said Belzer would usually be all over that story.

  Robin read some news about Linda Carter going to court to testify in a case that her husband was involved with. They spent a little time talking about Carter playing Wonder Woman on TV for a while. Howard said her outfit didn't do anything for him but she was hot anyway.

  Robin read a story about Mario Cuomo which led to Howard saying he wanted to talk to him. He could be up for a Supreme Court spot. Howard said he wants him in there because this FCC thing could go to the Supreme Court. Howard said it may not be until the year 2525 though.

  Gary came in with the number for Governor Cuomo. Howard tried calling to get him on the air. Howard told the receptionist what he wanted to do and she put him through to another person. That person put him on hold. Howard said he wanted to make a positive statement and they're not used to that. Howard and Belzer spent a minute talking as they waited on hold. They ended up getting hung up on. Howard tried calling again. He got through again and they put him through to that woman again. Howard said he was just disconnected.

  Howard got through again and the woman said she could only take a message. Howard was fine with that. He told her what he wanted to say to him. The woman took the message and said that she could have him get back to him. Howard left Jackie's joke line number (516-922-WINE). Howard called that number after getting off the line with that woman. Howard listened to the joke line but Jackie cursed on that so Howard had to hand up.

  Howard had Robin read some more news. Robin read a story about an abortion case that was turned over. She had a story about a day care center person who had been accused of molesting kids who was just released. Robin said they have overturned her conviction because some things went wrong during the trial. Robin said that they may have to do another trial and the kids who were 4 and 5 at the time would have to testify again.

  Robin said that President Clinton may appear on an episode of Cheers. Belzer thinks he will because the guy just wants to be loved. Belzer went off on Clinton for a short time after that. He said that Clinton has betrayed the country. He had a few reasons that he went over with them.

  Robin read some other various stories and had one about a 2 1/2 year old girl who climbed onto the back of her father's van and rode on it as he drove to work. She hung on for over 7 miles before the father pulled over after being told she was on there.

  Robin read some news about a guy who was in The Crying Game and how he didn't want to go up and accept an award he was getting.

  Robin read a story about a guy who raped another man who asked for a ride home from a bar. Robin read about how the guy drove him back to where he worked and raped him twice. After that they went for coffee and then he took him back and raped him a third time. The guy eventually drove the other guy home.

  Gary came in and said that he had Lorne Michaels phone number. Howard told Gary to call and they'll talk to him for Belzer. Belzer didn't want to talk to him himself.

  Howard called NBC and tried to get through to Don Ohlmyer so he could ask them to keep Homicide on the air. He left him a message since he wasn't there yet. Howard left Jackie's number again as the call back number. Howard said that he wanted to hear back from them. Howard said he was hoping that they'd keep Belzer employed so he wouldn't end up going back to the comedy clubs. They ran out of time on the voice mail so Howard had to wrap it up before they got cut off. He had to call back to finish his message. He got someone else's voice mail and left some more of the message asking that guy to tell Don what he was saying.

  Howard and Belzer went over everything they talked about today. Howard wondered if there was anything else to talk about. They talked about Belzer's wife a little bit. Howard also talked to Belzer about his kids. Howard said it was time to go after that. Then he asked Belzer when he saw his wife nude for the first time. Belzer said it was just last week. Howard asked if he had ever had a homosexual experience. Belzer said he had a guy who tired to cop his helmet but he had no part of it.

  Howard asked Belzer who hooked him up on the blind date he had where he met his wife. Belzer told him who it was and how he had known her socially. Howard asked Belzer why he's so uptight about talking about his wife being in that Lady Chatterly's Lover. Belzer said he's not uptight. Howard asked if he kissed on the first date. He didn't want to talk about that stuff so Howard said he'd wrap up then. Howard kept asking questions about his wife though. Howard said Belzer is uptight about that stuff. They wrapped up and ended the show a short time later.

• Master Tape Theatre - April 7, 1993. 08/24/07. 6:00am
  Today's Master Tape Theatre was a replay of the April 7, 1993 Howard Stern Show. This show was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I were hearing it for the first time today (August 24, 2007).

• Corey Feldman Discussions. 04/07/1993. 6:00am
  Howard started off the show loosening up his pants trying to get more comfortable. He mentioned that they had Corey Feldman coming in this morning and he's only going to give him 10 minutes of air time. He said they just spoke to him recently and they won't have anything to talk to him about today. He said they need something for him to talk about when he comes in.

  Gary said that his movie has been number 1 for a few weeks now. Howard said he just does a voice for one of the Ninja Turtles. He didn't know what else he had to promote. Gary said that Core and the other Corey had a number 1 movie on HBO too. Howard said that he's got to know that the public isn't waiting on his every word.

  Gary said that Corey thought that he was the one who was keeping him off the show. Howard said Gary told him what was going on so he knew about it all. Howard said that Leno and Letterman don't get accused of this kind of stuff and they don't have to explain themselves either. Gary is the one who is supposed to take care of that and take the blame.

  Howard said that Gary shouldn't even come to him and tell him that the guests complain. He said that Gary should take all responsibility and tell them that they can't come on. Howard said he should be able to put all the blame on him and not have to explain that they all agree that the guest shouldn't be on.

  Howard said he likes Corey and he's welcome to come on once in a while but they really need them to schedule appearances spread out a little more. Howard said he wanted Gary to repeat after him about some stuff so he could straighten him out. Gary walked out of the studio. Howard said that Gary's wife is the one who wants him to stop doing that. He said she's been giving him a hard time about the repeating stuff. He also thinks that she's been out throwing Gary's name around when she's out.

  Gary said that his wife didn't say anything about his repeating stuff. He said that now he's married and he won't do the repeating stuff anymore. Howard told Gary that they have a major problem if he won't repeat. He needs a producer who will repeat after him. Gary said they do have a problem them. He won't repeat.

  Howard told Gary to say just three words. He told him to say ''I will repeat'' and Gary did it. He told him that making a big deal out of it was making things worse. Gary said that it's demeaning and he wants nothing to do with it. Howard told him that degrading him is about 35 percent of this show so he has to do it. Gary said that he's never going to repeat again after today. Howard then had him repeat a bunch of stuff about him not understanding any facet of his job, whatsoever. Gary did it but said he will never repeat again. Howard said Gary was a little resistant today. He said he learns so much from repeating but he hates it so much.

• Caller Plays Tom Snyder Interview Clip. 04/07/1993. 6:10am
  Gary told Howard that they were going to fly down to Philly in a private helicopter but he just read in the paper that one of these helicopters, the same brand as the one they were going to fly in, had crashed. Howard said they're not going to take a helicopter down there anyway. They're going to drive down instead.

  Howard had a guy on the phone who had taped the Bob Costas show which was being guest hosted by Tom Snyder. Howard said Tom is very pompous and thinks he's great but he's really not. He said that he did an interview with Tom one time and Tom accused him of being the reason that he doesn't get ratings. He said Tom is just angry that he gets no ratings and he has to blame someone for it.

  Howard had the guy play the tape where Tom was talking to a guest about Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern and why their shows were making people hate each other. The guest and Tom spent a few minutes talking about what these guys are going to be doing when they get older.

  Howard said that was Jay Thomas going off on him and he thinks that he just can't do a show like his and that's why he's complaining about him while he's talking to Tom Snyder. He also went off on Rush Limbaugh because he's such a no-talent in his opinion. He said he doesn't listen to the guy though.

  Howard said he tuned into the Greaseman last night and he just doesn't get why the company he works for would hire a guy like that. He started to do an impression of the guy doing his goofy voice. He said he just doesn't get it.

  The caller asked if Howard was going to be on down in Atlantic City anytime soon because he can't get a signal on his radio. He said he can get him on the local cable company's FM service but not on regular radio. Howard said he can't get that kind of stuff on his cable. The caller asked if he could plug his band but Howard told him that bands like Nirvana and Pearl Jam never called to plug their band so doing that probably wasn't going to help.

• King Of All Messengers And Captain Janks Call In. 04/07/1993. 6:25am
  Howard said that he had another phone call to get to. This time it was King of All Messengers who had a prank phone call to play. He played the call where he calls into a talk show and eventually throws in a Howard Stern and Baba Booey reference. The host says that it was a waste of time but Howard and the guys didn't think it was a waste of time at all.

  Howard let King go and picked up on Captain Janks who was also on the line. He said that Janks was going to be in Philly with them next week. They're going to do a show in the afternoon just to mess with the Zookeeper down there because he's moved to afternoons. Howard was having problems with his headphones so he asked Scott to get him some Sonys instead of the AKG that he had. Scott said he'd go look for a set. Howard told him that he should keep like 5 in stock there so he can get a new set when they crap out.

  Janks said he made a call to a talk show and asked a Howard Stern question to the guest on the show. They joked around about Janks calling in and how it was probably going to be played the next morning on Howard's show. Howard said that host, Peter, sounds very nervous.

• ''A Hebrew Proposal'' Bit Played. 04/07/1993. 6:35am
  Howard let Janks go and said he had to play this movie before bringing Corey Feldman in. He said the new movie is called ''A Hebrew Proposal'' and it's based on the ''Indecent Proposal'' movie. He said that Robin is the woman in the movie and Woody Allen comes to the rescue and asks to have Robin. He played the bit after explaining what it was. Howard and Robin were the leads in the movie. Wood Yi played Woody Allen in the bit. Tom Chiusano played himself.

  Howard went to the phones after playing the movie and asked the fans what they thought about it. Callers were saying that it was great. He and Robin also talked about their favorite parts of the movie. Howard had to go to break a short time later.

• Corey Feldman Visits. 04/07/1993. 6:55am
  After the break Howard had Corey Feldman sitting in. He said that Corey almost walked out this morning. He had called his voice mail this morning and got one from a friend who told him he might not want to go on. He called his friend and asked what they were saying about him. He said his friend was telling him that Howard was saying they don't really need him on and stuff like that. Howard said that's not what he said and went on to explain what he'd said earlier.

  Howard was trying to dig his way out of the mess he'd gotten in. He told Corey that this was really about Gary and the way he handles his job. He said that Gary came to him a couple of weeks ago and mentioned that Corey wanted to come on the show. He said that Gary was supposed to ask him to hold off a couple of weeks because they like to space out the appearances. He said that Gary is supposed to pass along that kind of information to the guests. Howard said he told Gary to tell Corey that he's barely in this Ninja Turtles movie so he didn't think he should even be out promoting it. Corey said he had other things to promote though.

  Howard said he's happy to have Corey there. He said it's his fault for hiring a monkey to work for his show. He told Corey that he had to ask Dice to back off for a while because he was coming in every day for a while. They like to keep that stuff spread out more.

  Corey said he has a lot of people come up to him and ask when he's going to be on the show again. He said he's got other things to do too so he doesn't have to be on. Gary came in and said that Corey was kind of bumming out about the whole thing when he told him he wasn't sure if they could have him on. Corey said that wasn't true.

  Howard said that when Gary started out working for him, he only had $150 a week to pay someone. That's how he got Gary to work for him. He said that there was no one else who wanted him so he got the guy cheap. Gary said that Howard could have gotten rid of him early on if he really wanted to but he kept him on. Howard said that Gary has a really strong point of remembering everything that they've done on the show. That's one reason to keep him on.

  Gary said that Arnold Schwarzenegger's publicist told him that she'd heard great things about him and it was an honor to talk to him. He gets respect from people and he's not sure why Howard is saying these things about him.

  Howard said that they've had to hold back a lot of guests. He joked that Sam Kinison hadn't been on in a long time. That's because Sam is dead. Howard said they were going to try and contact Sam through a psychic. Gary said that she told him that it could get very heavy when they do that.

  Howard said that they're going to head down to Philly next Monday and they'll be driving down since no one wants to fly. He said they might get Jessica Hahn on the party bus and have some fun with her. He asked Corey if he would bang her if he could. Corey said she's not his type so he wouldn't bang her.

  Robin was the one who saw that Corey was about to walk out without doing the show. She said she saw him at the elevator and tried to stop him from leaving. She managed to keep him there. Corey said that he really didn't need that crap and he was about to walk out.

  Howard asked Corey to do him a favor and call Scott the Engineer's son as Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. Corey said he'd do it but Howard asked him about his friend Jason that was there. Corey said that he's been in a few movies that Howard had seen. Howard didn't recognize the guy though.

  Howard went off on New Line Cinema after he mentioned that Corey had done his movie with them. Howard said he had to get away from them because they wanted to turn his Fartman movie into a PG rated movie. He said he told them up front what he wanted to do and they still wanted to make the movie PG. Howard told Corey that if he had made ''Stand By Me'' it would have been called something like ''Stand By Me and My Transsexual Brother.'' Howard spent a few minutes going off on New Line for not knowing that he has to make an R rated movie.

  Corey ran into Gary's cousin out at a bar one night and he thought that he could have gotten her. Howard asked Corey if he dates chicks or if he just bangs them. Corey said he dates women and he has a nice girl that he's seeing now. He said that she's a loan officer at a bank. That all led to Howard talking about going out to clubs and hating it. He said that he'd panic if his friends wanted to go out to a club because he always felt so awkward there. He said he'd just stand in a corner drinking and smoking cigarettes.

  Howard told some stories about going out with his long time friend Dr. Lou and how he used to get chicks all the time. He said that the girls would actually go up to Lou and talk to Lou but no one would come up to him. Gary let Howard know that they had Willie Nelson on the line so he moved on to that.

• Willie Nelson Calls In. 04/07/1993. 7:25am
  Gary came in and told Howard that Willie Nelson was on the hotline. Howard got him on the line and asked him what he was promoting. Willie said he didn't have anything to promote but Gary came in and told him that he did have an album to promote.

  Howard said he was going to be interviewing Willie later today for an E! special. Howard asked him about his tax troubles and how that's all going. Willie said he's working on paying that stuff off. Howard spent some time talking to Willie about his sex life and found out that he once did a back flip while making love to a woman. Willie didn't seem to remember a lot about that stuff though. There was a story about Willie lasting 9 hours in bed so Howard asked him if that includes cleaning his beard. Willie laughed and said that it probably includes cigarette smoking too.

  Howard asked Willie if he got laid a lot before he got that look of his together. He said that he knows Joe Walsh and he's no looker but all he has to do is put on that guitar and it's like a tookie magnet. Howard also asked if Willie ever got it on with Dolly Parton. Willie said he used to hang out with her but he wasn't saying he ever hooked up with her.

  Howard also brought up how country stars tend to have their fans almost living with them all the time. He mentioned Twitty City and how Conway Twitty had his fans living in his back yard. They also brought up the Taco Bell ads that Willie has been doing lately. They talked about that and also about Willie's six kids. Howard said the kids probably expected to inherit all of that money he had to give up to the IRS.

  The guys also asked Willie about some of the other country stars like Garth Brooks, Waylon Jennings and others. Howard said that he's seen Willie without his beard and he looks kind of odd. Willie said that he looks like a chicken without that beard. Howard thought about growing a beard but Robin told him that would be a bad idea.

  Howard asked Willie to bring his girlfriend with him later tody when they do the interview. Willie said that she won't come because she doesn't like to be photographed. Howard spent a few more minutes with Willie and then wrapped up and said he'd see him later for the E! interview.

  Howard said that Willie does whatever he wants to. He gets to bang other chicks when he's out on the road. Robin thinks he has that all wrong and he doesn't get to do whatever he wants. If he did that, he wouldn't keep that stuff a secret.

  Howard talked more about Willie's tax problems and how he lost track of tens of millions of dollars and didn't pay taxes on that money. He said he'll get the real story from Willie tonight when he interviews him. Jackie thought that Willie had spent all of those millions and he wasn't sure how he could do that.

• Corey Calls Scott's Son. 04/07/1993. 7:45am
  Corey told Howard that he had another show to do this morning. Gary said it was the Scott Shannon show so Howard went off on Corey telling him that he's never going to do his show again if he does that show. Corey said he doesn't know that guy and he didn't know he was Howard's competition. Howard told Corey that he should do that show if he was booked to do it. He said he wouldn't stop him from coming on the show if he does.

  Howard told Scott to get his son on the phone so they could have Corey do his Donatello thing with him. He said that Scott is really pussy whipped and this will put him in good with his wife and kid. He dialed Scott's number and got his son on the line so they could do the Donatello thing.

  Scott's son Matt got on the phone and talked to ''Don'' for a short time. Corey did his voice and talked to the kid about the Ninja Turtles movie. Howard then went into his own Ninja Turtles voice. It sounded a lot like Kermit the Frog. He turned Matt back over to Donatello but there was a lot of goofing around going on. Corey was goofing on Matthew's father and told him to go see the movie 10 more times and to buy all of the Ninja Turtles products.

  Donatello asked Matthew if he's ever heard his father mention the name Tom Chiusano and then curse. Scott told him he didn't have to answer that one. Howard went into his voice again and asked Matthew some questions but the kid didn't respond to him as easy as he did with Donatello. They were goofing on Scott too much so Scott asked Matt if he had something else to do. They let him go a short time later.

  Howard said he passed Corey a note to ask Matthew if he ever hears strange noises coming from mommy and daddy's bedroom. Corey said he just couldn't ask that one. Howard gave Corey some plugs for his current projects and mentioned a movie he had done for HBO. He said that Nicole Eggert is in the movie and Gary heard that she's naked throughout the movie. Corey said that's true.

  Howard told Corey he could go have a good time with that dickwad Scott Shannon. Corey said he was going to blow it off because he felt so bad about it now. Howard said he didn't have to do that. Corey said that he was going to go on his show and plug Howard's show on there. Howard said he could do that. He wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.

• Scott The Engineer's Wife Not Happy. 04/07/1993. 8:15am
  After the break Howard said that Scott the Engineer's wife wanted to talk to him about the way Donatello talked to her son. Scott came in and said that he wasn't upset about it at all, he thought it was great radio. Howard gave Scott's wife a call and she went off on him right away. She said that asking her son if his father wears a wig was wrong. Her son is only 7 years old. She said she didn't appreciate the things they wrote for Corey to ask.

  Mrs. Salem said that Howard wouldn't want his daughter to be asked questions like that. She said that her son could turn out to be like him if they keep that up. Howard said he couldn't take her seriously. She was angry and said that they could keep on laughing but this was a 7 year old child and what they did was wrong.

  Mrs. Salem also said that her husband is not pussy whipped. Howard said that Scott is whipped and he won't even tell her what he lost in the poker game they played. Howard laughed when he heard that Scott told her that he'd only lost $100. Howard told her that he'd actually tipped the doorman that much money.

  Mrs. Salem complained that she'd gotten calls from her friends about that call earlier. Howard said that he looked up the word ''Pussy Whipped'' in the dictionary and Scott's picture wasn't in there because he wife wouldn't let him have his picture taken.

  Howard told Scott's wife to go back to doing her hair and nails or whatever she does. She said she didn't have to do either of those things. Howard asked if that was really Scott's wife or if Billy (West) was goofing on them. Howard told her that she sounds like his mom. He asked her why she makes Scott run home to take care of the kid. She said she doesn't do that. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later and let her go. She didn't sound too happy when she got off the line.

• Robin's News And More. 04/07/1993. 8:20am
  Howard read through some faxes they got about the movie parody, ''A Hebrew Proposal,'' he played earlier in the morning. Some of the fans liked what they heard so Howard replayed it after reading some of the feedback.

  After replaying the bit Howard took some phone calls and asked the fans what they thought about it. A bunch of guys said it was good and one guy asked what was wrong with Gary today, he seemed kind of edgy. Gary said that he really has been edgy. The caller had sent in a bunch of celluloid pictures of Gary that he'd created. They got them all and Gary thanked him a lot for that.

  Howard said he had to get out of there on time today because he had to go do those interviews at E!. He said he had Maurey Povich, Don King and Willie Nelson to interview.

  Howard told Robin she got a lot of good feedback about that movie. He read through some more faxes and then had her start her news.

• Corey Feldman Kicked Out Of WPLJ. 04/07/1993. 8:30am
  Gary came in during Robin's news and said that Corey had been thrown out of WPLJ when he went over to do the Scott Shannon show. Corey said that they're a bunch of jerk offs over there. They said that he'd bad mouthed them on Howard's show. Howard told him he can come back on his show any time... after New Year's Day. He said he was just kidding though.

  Howard said that he can't imagine being that Scott Shannon guy. A few years ago they were saying he was a genius but now he's nothing. Howard said that he took credit for inventing the whole morning zoo thing but that was an idea he stole. Shannon tried going to California to do the morning zoo thing and it failed out there. He said that Shannon is nothing but a loser.

• And Finally... 04/07/1993. 8:35am
  Howard had Robin get back to her news. They ran through a couple of stories and then got into an argument about court cases. Robin was yelling at Howard so he asked her to quiet down a little bit. He was shushing her and said that he could hear her even with his headphones off.

  After taking a break Robin read through some faxes about herself. Some fans were upset with her getting so upset with Howard earlier and went off on her about that. Robin and Howard spent quite a bit of time talking about the Rodney King case and the rioting that went on.

  During the news Howard and Robin were talking about a guy they saw on a TV newscast who had some ''white gunk'' on his eye. Howard wanted to know what it was so he had Gary call his buddy Dr. Lou to find out what it could have been. Gary came back later and told Howard that Dr. Lou was in surgery so he wasn't able to get on the phone.

  Robin ran through some more news stories. Howard ended up talking about Aresenio Hall and his wacky audiences who hoot at the guy. He did his impression of them making that noise that they make and asking what that's all about.

  Robin wrapped up her news and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about what his day was going to be like over at E!. He said that it's like a planet of women over there. He said he feels like he has to behave over there in front of the women. He said the other day he tried to get Fran Shea into high heels but she refused to do it for him. Howard ended the show around 9:40am (Master Tape Theatre time).

• Master Tape Theatre - May 3, 1993. 05/08/11. 2:55pm
  This week's Master Tape Theatre was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I were hearing it for the first time. Here's my rundown:

• Vacation Discussions. 05/03/1993. 2:55pm
  Howard started the show talking about how everyone is miserable but they're all there together with the show. He said he was so annoyed being back. He asked if everyone had a good vacation. Jackie was all chipper so he did an impression of him being all happy to be back. He said Gary was in New Orleans. Fred and Robin stayed in New York. Howard said he was on the island... Long Island.

  Howard told Gary to screen some calls for him. He said it's too dangerous to go bareback with the phone calls. He said there are too many idiots. Howard said not getting up in the morning was so nice. He said he liked not having to deal with the idiots who work there. He said Tom Chiusano is a butcher. He can't deal with him anymore. He said he's had it with everyone there.

  Howard said Tom is the golf boy and he looks like he had a good vacation. He probably didn't do anything. Howard said people have no idea what he's talking about so he'll just stop talking about it.

  Howard said he took his kids to Disney World in Florida. He said he figured going in the summer there wouldn't be anyone there. He said the place was packed. Howard said the kids who help out there look like Nazi youth. He said they're forced to look like that. Howard said waiting on line for the rides is ridiculous. Howard said what they did most of the time was hang out on benches eating ice cream. He said he was trying to disguise himself even though no one down there knows who he is. Howard said the people down there look like they were just let out of an insane asylum. He said they're big, fat, overweight Americans. He said there were people with dents in their heads and things like that. Jackie said here are people who look like they haven't seen light in months. Howard said he's right.

• San Francisco Update. 05/03/1993. 3:00am
  Gary told Howard he had a caller from San Francisco who had something to tell him. Howard said they were on in the mornings there now. Howard said they did so well at night they put them on in the mornings. The caller said the morons in the morning tried to say it was their idea to do that. Howard said those guys are going to afternoons. Howard said they should do well in the mornings.

  Howard went off on Alex Bennett saying that the guy has been going off on him so it's time to teach him a lesson. Howard said they never think he's right about how well he'll do in other markets. He said he always surprises them.

  Howard said he went to San Francisco once and he was amazed at how quickly he became gay. Howard said he had a cousin who lived there and the family thought he was gay because he wasn't married and he lived in San Francisco.

  The caller asked Howard to explain the appeal of the Greaseman. Howard said he has another thing going on with Tom Chiusano. He said he's told not to talk about him. He said he hates being censored. He said he used to be able to talk about the guy but now they've asked him not to so he has to lay off. Howard said they just don't understand him there. He said he's linked to this guy because he's on the same station and he doesn't like it. He doesn't even want to be there anymore. He said he's getting lectured by Tom and he has no idea what it's like to be as smart as him. Howard said Tom thinks he's smarter than him and he's not.

  Howard said he's really annoyed with Tom. Howard said he doesn't want to talk about the Greaseman anymore.

• Letterman And Conan. 05/03/1993. 3:10pm
  The caller asked if Howard is going to do Letterman before he leaves NBC. Howard said he's not sure what's going on with that. He said he'd like to but he doesn't know. Robin said that Letterman has to get big ratings when he moves or he's going to be considered a failure. Howard said Conan O'Brien will do just as well as Letterman did at 12:30. He said there's not that much of an audience there to get.

  Howard said he was shocked when he read what they were saying they make with Letterman's show. He said they said he was bringing in like $60 million. Howard said he doesn't know why they'd let him go. Howard said this guy Conan is making an announcement today. He said he will be horrible and a disaster.

  Howard said Gary saw Conan on the Tonight Show. He had Gary come in to tell them what he saw. Gary came in and told Howard about how all of Letterman's writers dress the same even though they don't have a dress code over there. Howard and Gary went over that for a short time and talked about how goofy that is.

  Gary told Howard he saw Leno doing his monologue and he brought out Conan to introduce him as Dave's replacement. He said Conan wasn't funny. He said he just talked about it being his dream come true and things like that. He said it was really weird. Howard said he was probably just trying to be humble. Robin said Lorne Michaels thought the was going to be the next big guy. Howard said he should have had some fun with it and come out with a Letterman mask on or something.

• Gary's Trip To New Orleans. 05/03/1993. 3:15pm
  Howard said Gary was down in New Orleans and the whole town is devoted to drinking. Gary said you can drink as long as it's in a plastic cup. You can't carry glass. Gary said you just walk and fill up and keep walking. Gary said you can even get stuff in your car if you want. He said they're no longer allowed to put a straw in the cup though.

  Gary said there aren't that many people in cars with the drinks but there are a lot of people walking around drinking. Gary said he and some friends met up and just drank all day and night long.

  Gary said he and his wife went down and met some friends there. He told Howard about Bourbon Street and what that was like. He said there were a lot of hot women in the bars down there too. Howard said he must have been bummed that he brought his wife.

• Howard's Dinner With Chuck Norris And Joe Piscopo. 05/03/1993. 3:20pm
  Howard mentioned he had Chuck Norris over to his house for dinner. Robin was surprised it actually happened. Howard said Joe Piscopo was there with his hot girlfriend, Kimberly, and Chuck's hot girlfriend was there too. Howard said Joe's girlfriend wanted to go down and play with his kids and their Barbie dolls. Howard said Joe's girlfriend might be the hottest woman on the planet. He said Kimberly walked in and she was looking radiant. He said the kids saw her and said she looked like a Barbie doll. Then Joe walked in. He said Mighty Joe Young looks better than Joe.

  Howard said Kimberly had no idea who Chuck Norris was. He said he had to show her who he was. Howard said Joe has been on TV talking about it already. He had a guy on the phone to talk about what he heard Joe saying about the dinner.

  Howard put the caller on the line and asked him what Joe was saying. The caller said Joe was on the Charlie Rose show and at the end of the interview he brought up the dinner. Howard said he thought he'd feel famous if he had a famous guy over for dinner. Howard said he just felt like a normal guy with a famous guy at his house.

  Howard said he put out this whole big spread for everyone. He said he wasn't sure if Joe and Kimberly would eat the food he had. He said they came in and Kimberly would choke on anything that had sauce on it. He said Chuck called and said he'd be showing up late. He said Joe got there around 8 and Chuck wasn't going to be there until 9 or so. He said he wanted him there so he could eat so he told him to get there as fast as he could.

  The caller told Howard that Joe said he had Thyroid cancer during that Charlie Rose interview. Howard sounded shocked by that. The caller said he blamed his diet. Howard said that would explain why he's so paranoid about his diet. The caller told Howard about why Joe is on the diet he's on and all of that. Howard said he had no idea. He said that will be something they discuss when Joe comes on the show. The caller said he's like the luckiest man alive. Howard said he really is because he has that girlfriend and he survived the cancer.

  Howard said Chuck Norris' girlfriend was hot too. He told everyone about her. He said that Chuck met her when she was like 18. Howard said Chuck is like 97 now. Howard said he was wondering where his model was. He said he invited Joe and Kimberly over to swim in the summer. He said he can't wait to see Kimberly in a bathing suit. He said she'll probably wear a suit that looks like an apron.

  Howard and the caller talked about Charlie Rose and how friendly they were with him. Howard said they sued to go to his house to hang out. Howard said it was kind of sad because he had a lot of failed TV shows. He said he had a show like Donahue's show but he never got ratings. Howard said Charlie had him on his show for a full hour once and it was really interesting.

  Howard talked about how good looking Charlie used to be. Howard said he was so good looking that he could get women's phone numbers no problem. Howard told the caller he had to take a break but the guy said he saw Jackie doing comedy recently and he really gets angry with the audience if they turn on him. Howard said Jackie really does have anger in him. He said the movie ''Mr. Saturday Night'' is like Jackie's life. Howard said he had to go to break a short time later.

• Captain Janks New Pranks. 05/03/1993. 3:30pm
  After the edited out break Howard came back and asked Robin if she noticed he lost 7 pounds during vacation. Robin said she didn't notice. Howard said he had a bunch of things to get to. He said he had some Captain Janks calls and Elephant Boy went on his date while they were on vacation.

  Howard asked Gary what happened with Captain Janks. Gary said he had him on hold. Howard goofed on Gary's new hair cut and said he looks like an ape with that cut. He said it's almost like a mongoloid neck.

  Howard picked up on Captain Janks. He had his own intro that he played as soon as Howard picked up. Janks had a new prank call he made to Ivana Trump. Janks asked her about Howard and she just said ''no comment.'' Howard said that's a weird thing to say. He said people don't even want to comment on him for any reason. Howard asked how she looked Janks said she takes care of herself and she does look good. Howard said he's seen people with plastic surgery but she looks like she sold her soul to the devil. He said she's cute an she used to look like she was ridden hard and put away wet.

  Howard asked Janks who else he got. Janks said he spoke to Janet Reno on Larry King's show. Janks said he had a special on so they didn't have the usual screener so he was able to get through. Howard said he was thinking about Janet Reno and who was taking the blame for the Waco incident.

  Howard said that he's surprised Janks doesn't have a following like David Koresh did. Janks said he actually does. He said he does shows where he plays his prank calls for people and they show up to see him. Janks said people love it. Howard said he thinks that he could get on a lecture tour. He said Billy West does that now. He said he's hardly on the show anymore because of that. He said Billy is too happening to even do the show anymore.

  Howard asked Janks about how long his presentation is. Janks said he does like a 20 minute set. Howard said he does have good tapes to play. Janks said that the people really enjoy it.

  Howard said he has to explain things about Janet Reno. He said that the President can't be involved in something like this Waco thing. He said he has much more important things to do. Howard said that Janet Reno was the one who made the decision to go in with the tear gas and all of that. Howard had Janks play the Janet Reno prank call.

  Janks said he had an air conditioning unit running behind him so he'd sound like he was calling from Switzerland. Janks played the call and he asked Janet a question about the American Press and then threw in Howard's name. He got hung up on immediately of course. Howard thanked Janks for the call and went to break a short time later.

• Elephant Boy's Date. 05/03/1993. 3:50pm
  After the break Howard came back and said he had a lot of stuff to get to today. He said he wanted to find out about Elephant Boy's date. He also said that they're being targeted in Dallas to get thrown off the air.

  Howard had a guy on the phone who has some ratings information for Las Vegas. Howard was going to talk to him about that but the guy was gone. Gary said he'd get someone else on the phone.

  Howard said he tells Gary to check the guys on the phone to make sure they're still there but he doesn't do that.

  Howard had Fred the Elephant Boy on the phone. He said a fan called the show saying that she'd go out with Fred. Fred said that she's much better looking than she is even in pictures. Fred told Howard something but he didn't understand a word he said. Robin had to interpret.

  Howard said Fred will see this woman like once a year. She doesn't live in the area. Howard said they set Elephant Boy up with the girl up in Buffalo. Howard said Scott the Engineer helped Fred out with his song. Scott said it was pathetic. He said Elephant Boy came in and sang her a song and recorded it there.

  Howard said he would have given her candy and flowers first. Fred said he waned to give her a gift and this is what he wanted to do. Scott said Elephant Boy sang to Bruce Springsteen's ''Jersey Girl.'' Howard played some of the song and thought it was Robin singing along to it. Fred was just singing the ''Sha-la-la-la'' part of the song. Howard asked Scott if he was laughing in his face. Scott said he was trying to cover him with the music the best he could. Howard played more of the song and Fred started singing ''I'm in love with a California girl'' to this woman he was going to go on the date with. Elephant Boy said it did sound pathetic now that he's hearing it.

  Howard said this was a real life guy and this is what he was doing for this girl. Scott said he had another chorus coming up in about 30 seconds. Howard played more of the song and let it play through to the chorus.

  Scott said he thought he wanted to do ''Georgie Girl'' after getting off the phone with him. He said he had no idea he was saying ''Jersey Girl.''

  Howard got Lori on the phone. Howard asked her when he gave her the tape. She said it was in the limo about 2 hours after they met. Howard said they went up to the Buffalo area and met there. Fred said he was dressed kind of casual. He said he had a nice striped shirt on. Howard asked about them getting picked up in the limo. Fred said there were about 20 people there and it was like a heroes welcome.

  Howard asked Fred what happened when he met Lori. They met at a comedy club. Fred said she was running late so she met him there. Howard asked Lori what she was wearing. She said she had a skirt and a blazer on. Fred said she was gorgeous. Howard asked if guys were hitting on her. Fred said ''let them, they can't have her.'' Howard asked Lori what she thought of Fred. She said she was pleasantly surprised. She said he was good looking and not disfigured like she expected.

  Howard said he had to take a quick break and then get back to them. He put them on hold and went to break.

  After the edited out break Howard got back to Lori and Elephant Boy. Gary said they just got some videotape of the two of them. Howard asked Lori how Fred ate. She said he ate quite well. Howard said they set him up on a date one other time and he ate chips and spit food all over the place. He was talking with the chips in his mouth and the girl was out of there. Lori said Fred does talk a lot. Fred said he was silent too long.

  Howard asked if there was any romance going on. Lori said they did a lot of talking but they did hold hands during the show. Fred was the one who made the first move. Howard sounded surprised by that. Howard asked how she felt. She said it was nice. Howard asked if Fred was aroused. Lori said it was dark so she didn't see anything.

  Lori said they went to the hotel to check in. Howard asked if she newt up to his room with him. She did. Howard said ''way to go'' to Fred. Howard asked what happened after that. Fred said they were both tired and they had another day to be together so they went their separate ways. Howard asked Lori if she was afraid that he would get the wrong signal. She said she could tell he was a gentleman. She said she's good with things like that.

  Howard asked what the noise was coming over the phone. Fred said it was a vacuum in his room. He had to ask the woman to hold off until later.

  Howard asked what went on up in the room. Fred said he got a kiss on the cheek. Lori said she tired to kiss him on the lips but he turned his head. Howard asked if Lori felt something or did it seem like it was just going to be a friendship. Lori thought about it and said she wasn't really feeling romantic. She said she had to get to know him.

  Howard said they were going to a wedding the next day. Lori said she went to the wedding and she had a few more hours left so she and Fred watched some TV. She said they talked a lot during the movie. Howard asked if they were laying on the bed. She said they were full clothed while they did that. Fred said she was very attractive. Howard asked if she has big boobs. Fred and Lori both said no.

  Howard asked Lori if she was sorry she got involved in this whole thing. She said she was glad that they got to meet. She said she was having a good time with him so it was good. Howard asked if anything happened on the bed. Fred said he'd rather not say. He said it was getting too personal for him.

  Howard asked Lori if anything happened. She said not really. She said they kissed on the lips but that was about it. Howard wondered why Fred didn't want to say what happened. Fred said he didn't want to rush anything so he didn't do anything. Howard asked Lori if she wasn't feeling romantic. She said she really wasn't but she did like getting to know Fred.

  Howard asked Lori about the kiss. They did a quick smack on the lips but that was about it. Howard asked Fred how many times he pleasured himself after she left. He did an impression of him doing that. Fred told him to cut it out. Howard asked if they had a good time at the wedding. Lori said she didn't tell them what was going on and just said he was a friend. She said they didn't stay too long there.

  Howard asked if anyone thought it was her boyfriend. She said she just told her mom about it. Fred said the woman was asking him if she could vacuum. Howard told him to tell her to put it off for today.

  Howard asked if they did anything after the wedding. They went to see a movie. Fred said they saw a movie called ''Three of Hearts'' or something like that. Howard said he'd bring her to something without a good looking guy in it.

  Lori said that they went to the hotel room after the movie. They ordered some room service and kissed a few times. Howard asked if there was tongue. Lori said there wasn't. She doesn't like the tongue thing. She said Fred is a good kisser and he has soft lips. Howard asked if he copped a feel at all. Fred said he didn't because he didn't want to be too aggressive. He did grab her ass though. He said she squeezed him back too.

  Howard asked if they did anything else. Lori sounded like she had something to say. She said it was getting late so Fred said she could spend the night. She was going to sleep in the bed with him but he couldn't touch her. She said she stayed and she wore a long t-shirt and panties with no bra. Howard said Fred must have been going nuts. He asked if he slept at all. Fred said he slept in his underwear. Lori said that they were up until about 3 in the morning and they had to be up by 7. Howard asked if she would have done something with him if he was more aggressive. She said ''maybe.'' Fred said that hurt. He said he didn't want to do anything wrong. Howard said she was in his bed and he didn't roll over and kiss her? Fred said he wasn't sure if she'd be into it.

  Howard said he didn't know what Fred was saying. Fred was having trouble coming up with words. He said he did ask her a few times if she was into him and he wasn't sure if she was. He said he was touching her but he didn't want to go too far with her. Howard asked what he was touching. Fred was rambling and not making much sense so Howard told him to stop. Howard said at this point even the Pope would have hopped on her.

  Howard heard the vacuum in the room again. Fred said there was a guy vacuuming now. He said he wasn't going to tell him to stop.

  Howard said there's something really wrong with Fred. He said he should have done something with her. Howard said he can't believe he didn't. Fred said Lori is a normal girl and said some other stuff that was unintelligible. Howard said if she had said no to him he could have stopped. Howard said he should have tried to do something at least.

  Howard asked Lori if she felt good about him. She said she did and it was very late so that's why she stayed. They went to Niagara Falls the next day. Lori said she'd like to see him again too.

  Howard said there was another loser story. Howard said she'll never see him again. Fred said he'd bet him money. Howard told him to keep his money.

  Howard asked Lori how much she weighs. She said she's about 108 pounds. Howard said she must have a great body. Fred said she does. Howard asked if he had put his hand up her shirt if she would have stopped him. She said she would have been fine with that. She said she might have done something. Howard said Fred needs him to be on the date with him to tell him what to do.

  Howard said it sounds like she could have emptied his silo for him. He told Fred to have a good day and let him and Lori go. He said he hopes there's love there. Howard played more of Fred's song and then went to break.

• Robin's Vacation. 05/03/1993. 4:35pm
  After the break Howard came back and said he'd like to get a tattoo but his mom would freak out. He said he got his ear pierced and his mom yelled at him about that. He had to take it out and it closed itself up. Howard said that thing was driving his mother nuts. He said she found it weird that he did that when he's got two kids.

  Howard said he went out with Sam Kinison and he was completely out of control. Howard said he was into the whole rock and roll thing but his mother wouldn't let him get a tattoo. He said that this was Sam Kinison. He said he thought he was joking but he said his mother would freak out. Howard said he would go on stage and talked about his amil nitrate use and he was afraid to get a tattoo. Robin said she's going to get a tattoo and put it on her back or something. Howard said she's going to have to do a black tattoo. He said she should put a tattoo of Michael Swan on her back. Robin asked why she would do that. Howard said he figured maybe she's still in love with him.

  Howard asked Robin what she did this past week. Robin said she went to see a couple of plays. She saw Guys and Dolls. Howard asked if that was good. She said it was okay. She said she took her ''little sister'' to the play. She said she went to see some other plays too. Robin went over all of that.

• Howard Lost $500 Playing Cards. 05/03/1993. 4:40pm
  Howard said he played cards and lost 500 bucks. Howard said the stakes are getting very high. He said he was down 500 bucks and won the last hand but then they played one hand where they bet everything. He said he played one on one with Dominic and he lost to him. He said he had a great time.

  Howard said his wife got pissed at him for losing the money. He said she asked if he can't win sometimes. Howard said Jackie is a good card player until he gets inebriated. Jackie said he made a big mistake at one point and that led to him losing a lot of money. He said he had a straight and didn't know it. He lost 300 bucks in that hand.

  Howard said he thought that Dominic was showing off with the way he was playing. Gary came in and said that he had Dominic on the phone. Howard picked up and Dominic was goofing on him for losing all of his money to him. Howard said he was calling him constantly asking him to come over the whole time. Howard said he was out all day Friday and Saturday and Dominic thinks that he's not going out. He said he had a great time when he went over there though.

  Howard said Jackie took a bunch of food home with him. Jackie said he didn't want to see it go to waste. He took some filet mignon home. He also took some mashed potatoes home. Howard said that was Dominic Barbara the noted attorney for those of you who need a divorce.

• Las Vegas Ratings. 05/03/1993. 4:45pm
  Howard took a call from a guy who said he was on hold earlier about the ratings. Howard asked what's going on with the ratings. The guy said they're number one and there's a whole article about it. He said they call Howard a Shock Jock as usual. He said he hates that. He said the truth isn't so shocking.

  Howard had the guy read some of the article and tell them what it said. The guy said they were saying that Howard thought it would take a couple of ratings periods to get to number 1 but they're already number 1. The guy said they're number one in 18-25 year olds. Howard said he wants to be number one in every demographic.

  The caller asked what's going on with Dice and if he's still friends. Howard said there's still some tension there. The guy said that Dice sang for about 45 minutes in his comedy show. Howard said he had some of his singing there and played Fred the Elephant Boy's song.

  The caller asked if he had a good radio voice. Howard said he doesn't really need one. He said you can do radio without that deep voice. The guy told Howard he has a big schnoze voice. He said he was just being honest.

  Howard let the caller go a short time later. Howard said he thinks that having that deep radio voice is hard to have because it's distracting. He said he heard John Gambling Jr. doing his dad's show. He said that's' weird to give your show to your kid. He said the guy is awful. He said there is no such thing as nepotism in that business. He said he gets to do a wacky news story like once an hour. Howard said it's really strange. He said that he starts commenting on the wacky Japanese story and it's an awful cross over. He said it's like a crossover form hell.

  Howard said he's available to do a show like that for WOR. He said he'd just have to go on and do one show an hour and introduce news guys. He said he's pretty sure he could do that. He did his deep voiced radio guy impression for a short time. He went to break after that.

• WMMR Concert Discussions. 05/03/1993. 4:55pm
  Howard said he was listening to their competitor's radio show audio from Las Vegas. Howard said he had a lot of things to do but he was going to have to hold off until tomorrow. He said it was time for news.

  Howard took a call from a guy and said this guy went to the WMMR celebration in Philly. The guy said they had a concert and it was really poorly done. He said they had a bunch of bands there and it was kind of cool but it wasn't organized very well. He mentioned that Warren Zevon was there so Howard talked about how much he likes that guy. He said he seems like a depressed guy though. He said he saw him perform once and he fell off the stage. He said ever since then he's dug the guy and thought he was the greatest. The caller said Zevon was great at the concert. He said he's a great piano player. He said he was doing all kinds of music too, not just rock.

  Howard said he saw Jay Thomas on Letterman and he was awful. He said he was embarrassingly bad. He said he thinks that Dave thinks he's a big TV star but he's really not. Howard said Dave has kind of taken him for granted lately. Howard said he's not sure why because he's not on TV against him.

  Howard asked the caller what went on with John Debella there at the concert. The caller said it was very strange. He said they introduced all of the DJs and everyone started booing when Debella came out. He said that everyone started chanting ''Howard, Howard'' while he was on stage. He said Debella was explaining his career and his rough life and all of that. He said he told the fans ''Eat me'' twice and then left the stage.

  Howard said that's great. The caller said there were some brawls that broke out in the crowd too. He said there were some very angry people out there. Howard thanked the guy for the call and let him go.

  Howard took another call from Chaunce Hayden from Steppin' Out Magazine. He said that he was talking to Christopher Reeve about Howard and he said he likes him. His answers were just one word answers though. He said George Burns likes Howard too. He said he had a few nice things to say about Howard. Howard said Chaunce does some good interviews. He said that magazine title sounds gay though. He said it makes you think of someone coming out of the closet. They went to break as short time later.

• 60 Minutes Discussions. 05/03/1993. 5:10pm
  After the break Howard came back and said Robin was wondering if he had watched 60 Minutes. Howard said this guy John Silber came into Boston University and built them up. He said that the students hated the guy for some reason. He said he fired a lot of people at the school but the trustees loved him because he made them money. He said the guy has a baby arm and they mentioned that on 60 Minutes last night. Howard said he has the arm like Quattro in ''Total Recall.'' Howard said that was a great scene. He said you'd see the guy walking around campus and he'd fold his sleeve to hide his arm. Howard said the guy always turned to the right so he could hide it. Howard said he never really thought much about the guy when he was going to school. He said they made him look really bad on the show last night. He said that when he guy is under pressure he shows that arm sticking out. He said it's a move to make the public feel bad for him. He said it's so obvious. Howard said the guy isn't a bad looking older guy but he has that arm.

  Howard said the reason he started hating the guy is because he went on Nightline and he started bad mouthing him. Howard said he knows people who won't contribute to that school because of that appearance. He said the guy is against free speech and he's the head of a school. Howard said the guy was on 60 Minutes last night and he was doing insider trading and saying that he didn't recall making the money. Howard said they found his tax return and showed that to him. He said you'd think you made that kind of money. Howard said you know he's just a hypocrite. Howard said that's what pisses him off about the guy. He's a hypocrite and a liar.

  Howard said the guy kept lying about it and he didn't even do anything that wrong. Howard said he's a skeevy, baby armed pig. Howard said Barbara Walters is another skeevosa. He said she kisses everyone's ass on that show. He went off on her for a minute and then got back to the baby arm.

  Gary told Howard they have the video of the Nightline thing. He said that Mike Gange, Howard's archivist, has it archived for him. He said he can get it in there by tomorrow.

  Howard spent a few more minutes goofing on John Silber about his baby arm and that appearance he made last night.

• Howard's Movie Deal. 05/03/1993. 5:20pm
  Howard said he had an article about his Fartman script that's apparently floating around. He said the reviewer said the script was good. Howard said he's not sur how he got a hold of it. Howard said the woman who is editing his book told him that this guy had the script. Howard said he doesn't think that J.F. Laughton gave it to him.

  Howard said he's been getting a lot of scripts but he's not sure he wanted to do that. He said they wanted the merchandising rights but he didn't want that. He said that ended up breaking the deal. Robin said she read that they were 90 percent done with the deal. Howard said they said no to the merchandising rights form the beginning and that was a sticking point. He said they figured they'd work it out as they went along but they kept asking for the rights and he kept saying no.

  Howard said they offered him 5 percent of the net on the merchandising. Howard said no way. He said they had almost everything worked out other than that one thing. Robin said they say J.F. didn't sign a contract either. Howard said he had to take a break. He said he will make a movie eventually and he'll announce the plans eventually. He said he's not with Newline Cinema anymore so that's that. They went to break a short time later.

• Dallas Station News. 05/03/1993. 5:30pm
  After the break Howard came back and talked about Donald Trump and Marla Maples. They had some news about the guy who stole Marla's shoes. Robin had some news about all of that too. Howard said he doesn't think that Trump will marry that woman but Dominic told him that the pre-nuptial papers are being written up already.

  Howard also talked about his E! show and how they're trying to get the word out about it. Howard said the E! people are all women and that's what he was surrounded by when he was over there doing the promos for his show. Howard said he'd like to see just one male face over there. He said when he farts or belches they just say ''Ewww!'' Howard they were all telling him he was cute but he knows he's just an ugly gork.

  Howard said there's this thing going on in Dallas and he knows it's going to give them some energy down there if he reads it. He said that there are people trying to get them kicked off the Dallas station. He said they are doing a letter writing campaign to get them kicked off.

  Howard said the woman who runs the station says she's not phased but that means she is. He knows that she's a panicky person. Howard read through the article about these people who are trying to get them thrown off and they do have a phone number. He said maybe they should call them. Howard thought about doing that but ended up talking about other things.

  Howard said they're upset that his name is on buses down there. He said it's just his name. Howard said he has no control over what they do down there.

  Howard said he loves all of these guys who do this nonsense. He said they try to get rid of dirty books even though they've been around for 500 years. Howard said no one eve reads anymore though. He went to break a short time later.

• Robin's News. 05/03/1993. 5:45pm
  Howard came back after break and had Robin do some news. Robin read through her stories and had some news about Steffi Graff getting out of the hospital after getting stabbed. Robin and Howard spent a few minutes talking about that.

  Robin read through stories about Serbia and Yugoslavia signing a peace agreement. Robin said they're not sure this will work out because it hasn't in the past. Howard and Robin went over that story for a short time.

  Robin read about how they found the remains of David Koresh. She said they were burned and they only found 72 bodies so far. Robin said they think over 100 were in the compound when it burned down. Robin said they have identified a few of the bodies and one was Koresh's. Robin said the body was terribly burned.

  Robin read about a 52 year old woman who gave birth to twins. Howard said women aren't supposed to be having babies at that point. He said that's the kind of thing people should be protesting. Robin said the baby girl was born with Down Syndrome. Howard said there's something very unnatural about that whole thing. He asked if the other kid had Up Syndrome. Robin said they do say that the other child is developing very fast and pushing the other baby away in the crib.

  Robin read about the gay pride parade and how they were blasting President Clinton for not doing anything about AIDS and health care.

  Robin read about a lot of women showing up bare breasted at the parade. Robin said they were just walking around with no shirts on. Howard said he bets that the women with nice breasts kept them covered up. Robin had some audio of some people performing at the gay pride parade.

  Robin read about Donald Trump and Ivana settling their divorce. Robin said she also read that Trump is going to be doing a shoot for Playboy where he'll be taking the pictures. Howard said he'd be up for that too.

  Gary had a guy on the phone who went down to the holocaust museum and it was full of gays because of the gay pride parade. He said they were all over and they were kissing in public and it was a little out of control but kind of interesting. He said there were some very attractive women there too.

  Howard said he now believes that homosexuality is a mental thing and a distraction. He said he's fine with that but it's not something you're born with. He said it keeps you from thinking about other things in your life.

  Another caller said that everyone was behaved at the event and there weren't people doing what this other caller said. The other caller said that it was going on and there was a guy wearing a plastic skirt there and he was complaining about it riding up on him. He wasn't wearing any underwear. Howard said those are the people who give the rest of the gays a bad name. He said it's the freaks that ruin it.

  Robin read about Julio Gallo the wine guy being killed in an auto accident. She said he was riding around in a jeep and it went off the road and down an embankment.

  Robin read about the Kennedy's selling their compound down in Florida. Robin told Howard about what they're asking for that. Howard said he heard it's in bad shape because they don't take care of it.

  Robin read about Naomi Campbell announcing she's engaged to the bass player in U2.

  Robin read about Arsenio Hall saying that he's not upset about the competition he's going to have in the fall. He said it's a battle for survival and he's ready to do something else if he gets squeezed out. Robin said he thinks that he could get bigger too.

  Robin read about Conan O'Brien becoming the replacement for David Letterman. Robin said he made an audition tape out at Leno's studios in Los Angeles. They wrapped up the show a short time later.

• Master Tape Theatre - May 7, 1993. 09/14/07. 6:00am
  Today's Master Tape Theatre was from May 7, 1993. This show was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I was hearing it for the first time.

• Robin's New Setup Doesn't Work. 05/07/1993. 6:00am
  Howard started off the show saying he couldn't believe that Friday was here already. He told the guys to get rid of something Robin was wearing. She had a microphone headset rubbing on her shirt so she told her to get rid of them and throw them away. He said that it just doesn't work right and they make too much noise when putting them on.

  Howard said he started listening to Best Of and he wasn't able to hear her very well so he has to make some changes. Jackie said that she sounds like she's off mic. Howard said she sounded tinny. He had Robin testing out the microphones and they just didn't sound right so he wanted to take a break and throw that headset out the window.

  Howard asked Tom Chiusano what his verdict is on the headset. He figured he wasn't going to have an answer and goofed on him doing an impression of him. Tom came in and said that they can do some adjustments and try to make them sound better. Howard said he was going to take a break and come back sounding normal again. He said he couldn't take her on that mic.

  After an edited out break Howard had Robin back on her normal microphone. He told her not to go back to that awful sounding headset.

• Cleveland Discussions And More. 05/07/1993. 6:05am
  Howard said he was going to have ''Clinton'' calling in. He never said it was the President. It turns out it was President Clinton's brother Roger who was going to call in. He said he had some other people coming in as well. He said he has a new commercial for Tom Chiusano too. He said the song is ''Tom C'' to the tune of The Who's ''Tommy.'' He had Scott bring the song in so he could play it.

  Scott came in and said he was having trouble with his cart machine and he didn't quite have it ready. Howard went off on him about that and said that he's way too slow. Scott explained himself and said he had to make some adjustments to fix the cart recorder.

  Howard took a call from a woman who said that she heard a station out in Cleveland doing an auction for the chance to hang out in their studio just like Howard did once. That led to Howard saying that Cleveland might be the next market for a big funeral. He read an article about a station out there that they're crushing in the ratings after they thought that they were invincible. He talked about Jeff and Flash and how quickly their audience left them once he and Robin got to town.

  Howard was goofing on this guy Lannigan and his glass eye which floats around in his head. He goofed on that for a minute and then read that the Jeff and Flash guy got reamed out by their management after they mentioned Disney on their show. There was some kind of takeover thing going on and they mentioned it in a joke and got reamed out by the owner. Now that they're failing the owner just yells at them all the time. When they got ratings, they didn't get yelled at.

  Howard read through the article and said it seems like they're driving those guys nuts out there in Cleveland. He said he loves being on in other markets because they can do stuff like that. The woman on the phone said she likes anything Howard says and she liked hearing about what's going on out there. Howard let her go after that.

  Howard played the new ''Tom C'' song parody he mentioned earlier. It was a whole bit about ''Tom C'' made to sound like a commercial for a Broadway play. They had a bunch of song parodies about Tom in the bit. They were all about Tom being cheap and stuff like that.

  Howard said they left out a bunch of songs about Tom from the bit but they could add them in anytime. He said they left out the ''Pinhead Wizard'' parody but they could put it in there. Fred wasn't sure why they hadn't put it in. He said they may have edited it out. Howard went to break after that.

• ''Tom C'' Commercial Parody Discussed. 05/07/1993. 6:25am
  After the break Howard came back and talked about belching during a commercial. He said that means that he's telling the truth when he does that. Gary told Howard that they have a script of the Tom C bit. Howard read through some of the lyrics and sang a little bit. He suggested that they rent a theater on Broadway for a week just to perform the rock opera. He said that they changed some of the lyrics from their original ideas. He told Robin about some of those changes and read through some more of the lyrics.

  Howard said he couldn't put every single song in the commercial. He sang a bunch of the parodies again and goofed on Tom for a few more minutes. Robin said the stuff they left out was even more insulting than the stuff they left in.

  Howard said he wanted to play the full versions of some of the songs but he couldn't pot into Scott's studio to get it. He was reciting some of the lyrics but Scott came in a short time later and said he had a mix of a bunch of the songs. Howard told him to put it on the rack so he could play it. Scott said they didn't perform all of the songs though. Howard told him he was a pain in the ass and to just set the thing up.

  Howard went off on Scott for smoking in his production studio with his interns. He said that it smells so bad down there that he couldn't even do his recording down there. He had Scott's intern come in to talk about the smoking down there too. The intern, Joe, came in and Howard figured that he couldn't possibly get a date but the guy said he has no problem getting laid. Joe weighs 316 pounds and Robin said that he'd be cute if he could slim down. He said it was like a cute face sitting on a wall.

  Howard asked Joe some questions but then went off on Scott about his level being off on his microphone. He said he knows when they make a change there and don't tell him. He said he can tell because he's yelling into the microphone. He said they change that stuff all the time because they don't want him over modulating. He said they're a bunch of jackasses and he doesn't want anyone touching his microphone.

  Howard asked Joe what he does for Scott. Joe said he comes in at 5 in the morning and pulls the news feed for Scott. He also smokes. Joe said that he's learned to work the boards and things like that. Stuttering John said that Joe told him that all he has to do is park Scott's car and then he sleeps the rest of the day.

  Howard was back to complaining about his microphone. Scott told him how to fix something so he did that and then went on to play another version of the ''Tom C'' bit. Everyone liked the bit so Howard told Scott to cart it up so they could have it ready to play.

• Kimberly Taylor And Christy Visit. 05/07/1993. 6:45am
  Howard said Kimberly Taylor was there so he was going to do that. He said that her friend was there with her new breast implants too. He had the girls come in a short time later. He put on his sunglasses and had the girls sit down. He thought Kimberly's breasts looked smaller than usual but she said they were the same.

  Howard explained that Kimberly was a Penthouse girl that they found. She said she's going to be in another issue in a few months and now the owners are looking to sell the magazine. She said that the format has changed a lot so that's why she decided to do it again. She said they had to bring sales up so they got really graphic for a while.

  Gary said that he thought they fired her. She said that wasn't the case, she just did something for them a few weeks ago. Kimberly said that a lot of girls had a problem with them and that's why a lot of them stayed away from them for a while. Howard said she was revealing something that no one knew, that the magazine was up for sale.

  Howard talked about how hot Kimberly is and how he'd like to do a lot of stuff with her. He told her he was watching some old Channel 9 Show stuff and thought it was odd when she wouldn't do anything with him when they had a hidden camera showing him trying to come on to her. They talked about that and how strange it was for both of them.

  Howard said that Kimberly used to spread her legs for Penthouse but she said that she doesn't do that now. She's done nicer stuff than that. She said that she also did a ''love set'' for the magazine with another girl. Howard wanted her to do that with her friend Christy who was in there with her today. Howard checked her out since she was there to show off her breast implants. She said she used to be an A-cup and just got the implants a month ago.

  Howard kicked Gary out of the studio because he refused to repeat after him the other day. Gary didn't want to repeat after him to make up for that so Howard told him to get out of there. He said that Gary doesn't want to repeat after him ever since he got married. He has a whole new image now that he's married.

  Howard got back to Christy and she said that she's got a full C-cup now. The two girls still dance at bachelor parties so Robin asked Kimberly why she never gets naked for Howard. She said she's not sure why that is but she doesn't do it in front of him. Howard said he has seen her naked, she got naked in his dressing room one time. She got changed in front of him one time.

  Howard asked Kimberly to get naked for him in there but she wasn't going to do that either. Howard asked the girls if they do stuff to each other at the bachelor parties they do. They said they just dance but he didn't believe it.

  Howard wanted the girls to get naked or something but they weren't willing to do anything. The girls asked Howard to pull his pants down so he went right ahead and did it. He told the girls he wanted to see them naked and he was tired of Kimberly coming in and not getting naked. Howard had his pants down and one of the girls asked him to show them his heiny. He said he felt like he was in third grade when he heard that. Kimberly told him he should respect that she doesn't get naked. Howard said she gets naked for cab drivers but won't do it for him.

  Kim was telling Howard that she's trying to capitalize on her looks now and make money while she's young so she can relax when she gets older. Howard told her that her looks are the only thing a guy is going to put up with. He said that her personality is so annoying that she could annoy a mannequin. He told Gary to start bringing in the faxes as they come in so he can read them on the air. He knows that they're going to get a lot of negative comments.

  Howard read the faxes and there were nothing but negative things about her in the pile. He then talked about how Kimberly was totally nude at the bachelor party they did on Saturday night. He said that if they're willing to do that, they should be willing to get naked in the studio. The girls said they got paid to do that bachelor party. Howard said that his plugs are like pay to them, they just don't realize it.

  Howard said goodbye to Kimberly and said that they're boring him so he wanted them out. He said that they're just two boring girls without getting naked. Kim took down Christy's top so Howard said he wasn't going to look but then he looked and said she was much more interesting.

  Gary said he had an angry feminist on the phone so Howard went to her and asked what she was upset about. The woman said that the girls are exploiting their bodies and hurting society by doing what they do. Kimberly said that if you don't want to look at that stuff, you don't have to look at it. The woman said that a lot of young girls have to look at it and they can't afford to get implants and nose jobs like these girls do. The woman on the phone and Kimberly went back and forth for a couple of minutes arguing about that nonsense.

  Howard asked Kimberly what guy would put up with her if she wasn't so hot. She didn't answer, she got back to going off on the woman on the phone. Howard said that the woman had a point when it comes to Kimberly. He said that he's not sure what anyone's point is. The two continued to go off on each other for a few more minutes. Howard was ready to stop the whole thing but they continued their little battle.

  Howard said that he wanted to say something to Mo, Larry and Dummy there. He was going to sum things up but the woman on the phone continued to go off on Kimberly. Howard cut her off and let her go eventually. He said he had to take a commercial break.

  Gary came in with some faxes for Howard so he read through a bunch of those. He also told the girls that they weren't turning him on or interesting to him so he was going to let them leave. He said that if they got naked after the break, he'd let them stick around.

  Kimberly wasn't going to get naked so Howard told her that she's lucky she's good looking. He told her that if she would get completely nude, he'd let them stay. She still wasn't up for it so Howard was going to give them their plugs and let them leave.

  Kimberly managed to talk her way into staying around for a little longer. She told Howard about girls who shoot eggs out of their vagina for bachelor parties. Howard read some more faxes about how annoying the girls are so Kimberly said that they were just low class guys writing in about them. Howard said that if Kimberly didn't have her looks, no one would even talk to her.

  Howard eventually wrapped up with Kimberly and told her to just give her plug. She gave her plug for a movie she's in, with Jackie's wife, and said that she does take her top off in that. She said that you couldn't really see anything in the scene though. Howard told her that she was using him to get her plugs and not getting naked for him. He kept telling her how annoying she was but she went off on all of the guys who were bad mouthing her. She said that his fans would follow anything Howard says. She called them a bunch of low class guys who were probably in the sewers sniffing around. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.

• Geraldo Rivera Calls In. 05/07/1993. 7:45am
  After the break Howard mentioned that Jackie had a show coming up tonight. He quickly went over that and said he had Geraldo calling in. He wasn't sure what Gary was up to with the phone call though. He thought Gary was going to give him something telling him what was going on. Gary came in a short time later and said that Geraldo Rivera was on the phone. Howard asked him about the stuff that Geraldo wanted to plug and why he didn't write that down for him. Gary said he didn't have all of the information. Gary went off on Jackie over that even though it was Robin who brought it up. Howard wanted the information so he could talk to Geraldo about it.

  Howard asked Gary how many times they were going to go through this stuff. Gary said he didn't know and repeated that a few times. He said ''I don't know'' over and over. Howard moved on to Geraldo and got him on the phone.

  Howard said that he watches Geraldo's show and enjoys that. He and Robin said that Geraldo must have people who keep his show on track, unlike their show. He went on to ask Geraldo about the guests he has on his show because they're a mess. He said that they don't even pay their guests to sit on TV and humiliate themselves. Howard said that reminds him of Queen for a Day without the prizes. The people have nothing to show for it.

  Howard said that Geraldo will sit between people who fight on his show to stop them from doing it. Robin said that the people on his show can go through something called ''after care'' with a psychologist they have set up. Howard said that it's like Queen for a Day but in the end, the only person who gets the prizes is Geraldo.

  Howard talked about this Joey Buttafuoco guy and how defiant he is when he goes on these shows. He said that now Joey is up in front of a grand jury and if he had just kept his mouth shut, he probably could have gotten off. The guys talked about the Buttafuoco's and their dealings with Geraldo. Robin talked about some of the stuff that's gone on with Geraldo's show that she's seen.

  Geraldo talked about some of the stuff that they've been doing on the show lately. Howard told Geraldo that Gary is a Nielson family and he could possibly help him out with his ratings. Geraldo said that he'd like to speak to Gary off the air. He said it might not be legal to reveal that you're a Nielson Family. Gary said that's not true and they don't say anything about not revealing that you are one. Gary said he's trying to get some people on the show by telling them that he could help their ratings with that. Howard told Geraldo that he can help him out and he can expect to see a little jump in his ratings.

  Robin told Howard that Geraldo thinks that his wife getting pregnant may have happened because there was a church that was praying for them every week. Geraldo said that it was very sweet of them to do that for them and he really appreciated it. Howard asked Geraldo if he's out of his mind.

  Howard let Geraldo get in some plugs for this golf tournament that he was part of. He plugged that and said that they do golf and tennis there at the event. Howard let him go after he was done plugging. Howard said that was some story Geraldo told about how his wife got pregnant.

• Various Discussions And Phone Calls. 05/07/1993. 8:00am
  Gary came in and showed him a picture that someone had brought down of the woman who can shoot eggs out of her private parts. Howard said that woman could use a shave. Gary said she might be Latin. Howard said she might be a cross between Latin and a monkey. He's never seen that much hair down there.

  Howard read some faxes and someone suggested that they give some ratings to The Untouchables. Gary said he might be able to do that but he also wanted to give the Fresh Prince of Bel Air some ratings. Howard said he's getting kind of sick of Beverly Hills 90210. He said he does like what they're doing on Melrose Place though. Robin said she likes the Fresh Prince and Blossom. Howard asked her if she's faggy or something. He didn't want Gary giving that show any ratings.

  Howard said he got an award from this South Jersey newspaper. He read the note he got from the paper and tried to make some sense out of it. He said that they tell him that he's not supposed to buy a plaque if he hears from someone about that. It was apparently some kind of scam he was being warned about.

  Howard wanted to take some phone calls but he had Gary screening them. Gary went to the phones and went through a couple of calls that Howard was listening in on. Gary asked each person what they wanted to talk to Howard about and they'd give their topic and Gary would usually hang up on them.

  Gary wasn't able to find any good calls. Howard ended up listening in on a bunch but gave up after a while. Howard ended up talking about a radio station they were on that went bankrupt and how he knew some guys who went bankrupt and they didn't have to pay anyone back after that happened. They went to break a short time later.

• Roger Clinton Calls In. 05/07/1993. 8:35am
  After the break Howard came back and Gary told him that they had ''Clinton'' on the phone. It wasn't President Clinton, but his brother Roger. Howard asked Roger why he didn't help him out and get the government off his ass. Roger said he did what he could.

  Howard asked Roger if he listens to the show. Roger said he listens every morning and he knows that Howard talks highly of his brother. He said he knows that Howard talks highly of him too. Howard told Roger that if he were in the studio, his lips would be planted on his ass.

  Howard told Roger that he knows that his brother has a lot of things to worry about but he wants a face to face meeting with him. He said that he's been loyal to the Clinton family and he'd really like to have a meeting. He said that he's always defended the family, even before he knew Roger. He said he knows it might be politically incorrect to say he's a friend of the Clinton's. He said that he doesn't have to have that meeting but maybe Roger could do it if he can get his point across for him.

  Roger said that he has some time when he's in town and he'd be willing to sit down with Howard. Howard told him that's what he likes to hear. He said they can sit down and go over a few things that he'd like to talk to Roger about.

  Howard asked Roger if he's up to dating super models yet. He said that he's not up to that yet but he has been with some famous chicks. Howard tried to figure it out but wasn't able to come up with the name. Roger told Howard that he's dating a woman by the name of Molly right now but she's not famous.

  Howard said that Roger is going to be playing his first major club event with his band Politics. He gave him a plug for that and then asked Roger if he can set him up with a meeting with his brother. Roger said he might be able to set up a meeting with his brother, maybe not with the President. Howard said he loves to hear that. He said that all of this ass kissing might be paying off.

  Howard told Roger that he could put him on a Dial-A-Date if he wanted. He just has to set him up with his brother. Roger said that he might have to be in attendance during that meeting. Howard said that would be fine with him, he'd probably be more comfortable if he was there.

  Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Roger about setting up this meeting. He then asked Roger to pass along his greetings to the rest of the family and let him go.

  Howard said that he really has to set up that meeting. He said he'll meet with Roger if that's what it'll take to meet with Bill.

• Howard Talks To Don King About E! Interview. 05/07/1993. 8:40am
  Howard told Robin about the Don King interview that he did for E!. He said that he hopes that they didn't edit it too much. He heard that they cut some of the interview and he was kind of upset about that. He said he hopes that Don King calls him because he thinks it's wrong that he asked E! to cut that part of the interview out.

  Gary said he might be able to get him on before the end of the show. Howard told him to see if he could do that then. He had Robin start her news after that while Gary went to get Don King on the phone.

  Gary came in with a list of people who have turned down the show lately. He mentioned a few celebrities like Jacklyn Smith and Shari Lewis. That led to Howard goofing on Shari Lewis about her hand puppet and how anyone can do something like that. He said he wanted someone to get him a sock so he could do a puppet show.

  Howard had Don King on the phone. He got right into it with him and asked him about the editing of the E! show. He said that he told Robin about the edit and he's wondering if Don would let them run it unedited. Don said that it must have been his guy that asked for the edit. Howard said he knows that Don knew about it. He said Don handled the joke perfectly during the interview and he doesn't think that they should edit it out. Don agreed with Howard and told him he doesn't have a problem with the way he handled it.

  Howard told Don to call Fran Shea and explain it to her. Don said that his guy just told him that they haven't called those people since the day they were there. He was talking to him there in the room he was in so Howard asked him to talk to the guy and give him an answer about it. Don told Howard to just run the interview. He didn't seem to have a problem with it. Howard wanted to talk to the other guy in the room but Don told him to just go ahead and run it.

  Howard put Don on hold and called Fran Shea at home so he could tell her what Don was telling him. He got her answering machine though. He tried getting her to pick up but she wasn't there. Then Don got on and told her to air the show in it's entirety. The other guy who was in the room with Don got on the phone and said that he was okay with it too. He told Fran to go ahead and let it run unedited.

  Howard gave don some plugs for the upcoming fight Don was promoting. He wrapped up with him and let him go a short time later. Don told everyone not to miss that fight on Pay-Per-View. Howard went to break a short time later.

• And Finally... 05/07/1993. 9:10am
  After the break Howard had Robin get back to her news. She got back into that and brought up a postal worker who had shot up some people. That led to Howard talking about some of the people he thinks could possibly lose it some day and kill someone. He said he can see Scott the Engineer doing that some day. He said he's at the breaking point and could go off at any moment.

  Howard had Scott come into the studio a little later and asked him if he thinks he could ever go off. Scott said that would never happen, he's not a violent guy. He also said that he doesn't own any guns so he won't be shooting anyone up. Robin asked him who he would go off on if he did snap some day. Scott said that it would probably be her.

  Howard asked Scott to send in Steve the Engineer but he didn't come in. Steve Grillo came in and said that Steve didn't want to come in. Howard heard that Steve's father was a postal worker so Howard figured that's what made him such a weirdo. Steve didn't understand why that made him weird. Howard asked him what his mother did and he thought that she was a secretary or something. He didn't know for sure.

  Howard goofed on Steve's goofy laugh and that got Fred doing his impression of Steve. He had the voice down perfect and made fun of him for a couple of minutes. Robin got back to her news a short time later. She ran through a bunch of stories and Howard goofed on a bunch of people like Kathie Lee Gifford and Frank Gifford.

  During the news Robin had read a story about a restaurant where Al Sharpton ate so Howard wanted to find out who pays when he eats there. He tried calling and eventually got someone on the line. He found out that Reverend Sharpton paid for the meal and he apparently pays every time he eats there. Howard said that he can't figure out how that guy makes money and found it hard to believe that he paid for the meal. He spent a few minutes talking to the guy about the restaurant, Sylvia's, and what kind of food they serve there. He let the guy go after a few minutes.

  Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).

• Master Tape Theatre - June 10, 1993. 03/09/07. 6:00am
  Today's Master Tape Theatre replay was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I were hearing it for the first time today.

• Howard Losing Weight And Pumping Up. 06/10/1993. 6:00am
  Howard started off the show looking for Robin who wasn't around. She came in a short time later so he talked about the tight shirt she was wearing. He said good morning to everyone and said he might have to take a break before starting the show. He didn't want to fall behind with everything. He said he didn't even need to take a break but he wanted to make sure he wasn't behind with commercials. They had a lot of stuff going on.

  Howard said he was busy talking to his editor last night about his book. They're working on getting that put together. He said he's also been dieting trying to slim down. He talked about how great the diet has been lately and how quick he's dropping weight even while eating like a pig. The diet is very bland but he can eat a lot of stuff. He's going to try and put some muscle on and Robin is going to jump out of that booth on to him. He said she's going to be all over him after he puts on this muscle. He's sick and tired of looking like hell. Howard was debating on what to do next and if he should read her this thing he had. He decided to go to break instead.

• Gary Not A Type A Personality. 06/10/1993. 6:05am
  After the break Howard mentioned that they had a really good looking girl coming down to try and win some McCartney tickets. She'll be getting naked for them in the studio. Gary told Howard they told her that she has to come in and get completely naked after she asked to just get topless. He told her that she really needed to get naked to win those tickets because it was Paul McCartney after all. Howard asked what this chick looks like. Gary said she claimed she was a 36-D, blonde and good looking.

  Howard mentioned that Ted Nugent was going to stop by the show today. They talked about Ted's hunting and how they might try to get a PETA person in there to debate him. That led to Howard and Robin talking about a news story about a duck that was shot in the neck with an arrow and ended up on the news.

  Gary told Howard that King of All Messengers was on the phone to play a couple of great prank calls he made. Gary said he got yelled at by some guy who said it was wrong when they make these prank calls. He told the guy they don't make the calls, the fans are the ones making the calls.

  Howard said that Gary isn't the Type A personality that he'd like him to be. He said Dan Foreman from the Channel 9 show was Type A. He did an impression of Dan for a short time and goofed on him a little bit. He told Gary that he's a Type Z or something. He said Gary will do his job but he's not a go-getter like Dan was. He told Gary he'd fire Gary and Fred if Dan wanted to be his producer on the radio show. Robin was surprised to hear that he'd fire Fred like that. Fred asked who was going to pick up Dan's dead body if he got fired.

  Howard was talking about some of the stuff that Fred has written for the show lately and how some of it should be getting on the air soon. Fred sounded a little upset about Howard's comments about firing him so he was going off on Howard and Robin. Howard said he likes having Gary there but he wouldn't do anything special to keep him there if he had to. He said he's really not a Type A personality. He might be if he was triplets or just had 3 heads.

  Howard said Dan is the kind of guy you fire people for to get him to be the producer. He said Dan is the kind of guy who will cover news stories on the weekend when he's not even supposed to be working. Dan will even go and play racquet games in the morning before going to work. So he'll be playing those games at 4 in the morning.

  Howard wanted to clarify that Gary really isn't a Type A and that he's a Type Z. Gary said that really doesn't bother him. Howard said he could see that and it's kind of sad. He said it's genetic and both of his parents aren't Type A either. Howard said Gary has the sensibilities for the show but Dan would excel at the job if he had it. Howard said Gary has the organizational skills that are good but not the drive that Dan has.

  Howard talked about one time when they were doing the Channel 9 show and had Dan overloaded with stuff. He said they told him about these 900 things they wanted him to do and after they told him, they could hear him yelling out for Karen before the phone even hung up. He was already barking out commands before the phone was down.

  Howard talked about some other things they've done to Dan and seen him do over the years. He said he saw Dan almost get into a fight one time. He said he had to try and keep the guy calm. Howard said Fred used to make fun of Dan and he did that because he's not a Type A himself. Fred said Dan once threatened to kill him for making fun of him doing an impression of his voice. Howard said he would get angry at Fred when he'd goof on him because he was so relentless at it. Fred would play dog growling sound effects and things like that when Dan would walk into the room.

  Gary said that Fred is amazing because he's gone home and read books for the show to get some notes for them to go on when they interview people. Howard said it's not all that great but did thank Fred for doing it after Fred complained that he got no recognition for it. Howard said Fred is like a factory worker who only does what he's told. He'll spend far too much time working on one thing instead of doing a bunch of things for the show. Fred said he just tries to do his job but they continue to mock him. Fred complained about the way he's treated sometimes.

• King Of All Messengers' Latest Prank Calls. 06/10/1993. 6:25am
  Howard got King of All Messengers on the phone and had him play his latest prank calls. King played one call where he got through to a talk show as Kevin Renzulli (the Newsletter guy) and asked a question where he threw in Howard, Robin and a bunch of other names from the show. The host of the show tried to cut him off but he was able to throw out a bunch of names. Howard told him that they must be really disappointed when they hear him ask a great question and then throw out those Stern show mentions. He said King is a big part of that Court TV stuff with those phone calls.

  Howard said they should send over a camera to record how these guys go through and do their prank calls. He'd like to see how they work and live. King said he had another call where he calls another news channel that he gets on satellite TV. In that call he asks if he should invest in Howard Stern, Fa Fa Fooey... and a bunch of other names from the show. They hang up on him and end up talking about zero coupon bonds since that's what King started off his call with. Howard thanked King for the call and let him go after that.

• No Greaseman Promos Being Played By Howard. 06/10/1993. 6:30am
  Howard said it was kind of weird yesterday because Tom Chiusano wouldn't talk to him after the show. He was avoiding him. He explained how they hired this Greaseman guy to work there and he's hated that guy for years. He started potting down the promos for the guy's show and they got away with it for a little while. He said Tom told him that it was funny at first but it wasn't so funny after they kept doing it. Howard said Tom thinks that they're keeping him from getting ratings on the station by not playing those promos. Howard said he really doesn't want the guy to be successful because he beat the guy in the ratings in Washington.

  Howard demonstrated how he would mute out the commercials. He had Fred play one of them so he could pot it down. Little bits and pieces of the commercial but not the whole thing. He banged on the console to make it sound like he was trying to fix something.

  Howard said Tom thought it was funny until the guy started doing well in Philly and Washington. Tom thought that he was doing poorly in New York because they weren't playing the promos on his show. Howard said Tom came to him and told him he'd better play those promos. He said he doesn't love the guy all of a sudden and he's not going to help him out. He said he told Tom that he beat the guy's ass in Washington and then the guy came in and took his job after he left.

  Howard goofed on Tom saying that he's like a robot and all of this stuff must overload his brain. He said he's not sure what's going to happen with all of this stuff but he wouldn't be surprised if he got fired over it. He just can't play those promos when he hears them. He doesn't have any control over the ones they play in Philly and Washington but he'd do the same thing there if he could. Howard asked if Tom wanted to come in and explain his stupidity on the air.

  Howard did a robot voice as his Tom voice and goofed on him. Tom came walking in a short time later. He told Howard that he's 39 going on 14 with this stuff. Howard said he has enemies and this is the way he handles it. He told Tom that he was in Vietnam and he can't stop thinking of the 'Kong as the enemy. He said the reason he's number 1 is because he's a competitor and he's vicious. He does this stuff to stay at number 1. Howard and Robin got into their Tom robot voices and goofed on him a little more.

  Tom didn't understand how this stuff was logical. Howard admitted that it wasn't logical and he knows that. Howard said he doesn't want his audience thinking that he's in step with guys like this Greaseman guy. He said if Tom wants a guy on in the morning who is willing to do whatever he wants, he might want to get a guy like Pete Fornatell. He said Pete will read anything from a card if he wants him to. Howard said his contract is up in 2 years and if he doesn't want him there anymore, he shouldn't renew his contract. He has to take the good with the bad with him.

  Tom said he understands most of what he was saying but there is a difference between them advertising someone like Imus and someone like Greaseman. Howard said there is no difference there, he didn't like Imus and he didn't like the Greaseman. He said the Greaseman is an imitator and that's all there is to it. Howard told Tom that he can't suddenly switch from hating someone to liking them because his audience will call him out on it.

  Howard asked Tom not to run anymore of those promos on his show. Tom said he can't do that. Howard told him that they're at an impasse then. He's not going to let them play like Tom wants him to. Howard said if they play those promos on his show, then he will defeat him and he will not be able to do a good show.

  Gary told Howard that the listeners are calling in and trying to get through to talk about this stuff. Howard was going to take some calls but Tom didn't want to hear it. Howard continued to goof on Tom over all of that stuff and did his robot voice the whole time. Tom just wanted Howard to take a commercial break since Fred was trying to get him to do that. Tom got on Howard's megaphone and did an impression of himself as a robot for a few seconds.

  Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been listening to the station for a long time. Howard cut him off and said that it's not about the station. Tom was ready to leave but Howard didn't want him to walk out of there yet. He continued to try and explain all of this stuff to him so he'd understand why he was so upset. Robin gave him an analogy where she used the 86 Mets as an example for a team that got along. She said if you brought one guy into the mix that didn't get along with the rest of the people, they could have failed. She said that's what Tom is doing with this K-Rock team. Howard had to go to break after that.

• Howard's Embarrassing Love Letters. 06/10/1993. 6:55am
  After the break Howard talked about the research he's been doing for his book. He said he called the first girl he ever slept with and asked her if she had any love letters that he sent her. He was looking for something that said he was going to be the greatest radio star ever. He's been trying to get in touch with her and left her a message. She got back to Gary and sent over some of the letters she had. Howard said he read them and said that one of them was really embarrassing. He said this girl was always trying to get rid of him and be just friends with him. She made the mistake of sleeping with him one time so he couldn't get over that.

  Howard said that he was very happy that he finally got to sleep with someone. She was a good looking girl and he was able to make it happen by nagging her until she finally gave in. She rejected him for the longest time but eventually caved in. Robin said that's almost like forcing someone to have sex. Howard said it really wasn't forced. He said it only lasted about 10 seconds though.

  Howard said he was reading through these letters and found one where he was begging her to come back to him. He said it was too embarrassing to read but he did offer to read it to Robin. He wasn't sure why this woman kept the letters all these years. He wanted to call and ask why that was. She's had them since he was 16 so she's kept them for the past 23 years. Robin was having some trouble with her math trying to come up with that number. She eventually figured it out though.

  Howard almost didn't read the letter but Robin really wanted to hear it. Howard said he sounded like one of those stalkers. He read through the letter where he tells this other Robin how much he misses her and wants to be with her again. He was telling her how he really needed to feel secure with her and wanted to have her back.

  Howard also talked about sleeping with another girl in the letter. He was trying to build up that he had this other relationship going even though it was a bunch of crap. He signed it ''Love, Howie.'' Howard said Robin held onto that letter for over 20 years, probably to gloat over it. Howard said that all women are bitches and whores and that's why they keep that kind of crap around.

  Howard said that Robin had a lot of boyfriend and she probably showed all of them his letters. Jackie said that maybe she thought he would always be on hold for her and that's why she kept the letters. Gary said that he wanted to hear from this woman Irene that Howard dated. Howard said she wasn't better than this Robin chick he dated. He said he'd like to ask this Robin why she kept the letters all these years. Robin told him that Robin always said she wanted to be his friend so maybe she did like him enough to keep the letters.

  Howard said he has no female friends other than Robin Quivers and he doesn't have any because he doesn't like their awful conversation. He can't stand being just ''friends'' with women. If he does have any female friends, he's just trying to bang them.

  Gary told Howard that Ted Nugent was there so they had to move on to that. Howard and Robin talked about Ted's music for a short time before they had to go to break.

• Ted Nugent Visits. 06/10/1993. 7:15am
  After an edited out commercial, Howard had Gary bring Ted Nugent into the studio. Ted was fired up and rambling a little bit when he came in. Howard gave Ted a plug for this box set he had out. He then got into a discussion about Ted's property out in Michigan and how he hunts his own food. Howard read that he killed a zebra one time so he asked him how that was. Ted said it was actually kind of tough killing them because they have those long noses and can smell you coming.

  Howard said there must be an ounce of compassion in him and wondered how he can kill an animal like that. Ted said there are actually too many of them out there and there are people killing them as they speak to lighten the population. Howard asked him if he ran around in a loin cloth while he was in Africa hunting. Ted was joking that his first wife was mounted on a wall at his studio. He said she actually died in a tragic car accident back in 1982 so he didn't want to make fun too much.

  Howard asked Ted if he thinks that he looks ''rock and roll'' to him. Ted said he did kind of look like he was doing an Axl Rose type of thing. Ted told some hunting stories and how he goes to a ranch to hunt. Howard also talked to Ted about his kids and found out that he's got a couple of daughters and two sons. Howard had to take a break in the middle of all of that.

  During the break Howard was doing a commercial for and ice cream advertiser. Howard was telling Ted about the fat free ice cream and had him taste it on the air. Ted said he liked what he was tasting and he was impressed with that. They wrapped up the commercials and came back to the show a short time later. Howard was telling Ted that they were on in about 15 cities this morning. Ted thought that was cool.

  Howard said he had a woman, Kathy, from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) on the phone. She got on the phone and started in with Ted right away. Howard told the two of them he loves arguments so he wanted to hear Ted and the PETA woman go at each other. He said if he were stuck in his car on his way into work, he'd want to hear an argument.

  Ted was talking about how they kill some animals to balance out the populations of some animals like Elephants. Kathy said if that was why they were killing them, they'd be killing other animals as well. Ted said that they do it just to thin out the population for some animals and others they kill for the sport. Kathy was saying that when they shoot an animal it's like shooting a body. Ted said he never killed a person and they wouldn't condone anything like that.

  Ted was laughing and goofing on Kathy as she was talking about various things about these animals being killed. Ted didn't think she knew what she was talking about when she made a mistake about the state of Michigan having a fish and wildlife division when they really don't. Ted told Kathy to make her statement and he'd let her do that while staying quiet. Kathy went on to explain what she thought about killing animals. After her 30 seconds was up Ted got to talk a little bit about why he kills animals. He said that just because you go out hunting doesn't mean that you kill anything. He said he would go out hunting and not come back with anything for 17 years.

  Howard said that Ted is a very patient bastard if he went hunting and didn't get anything for 17 years. Kathy said he should have kept that up then if he didn't have a problem not coming back with anything. Kathy got in some plugs for a book she had coming out called ''Monkey Business'' so Ted told her that was the right name for the book.

  Howard asked Kathy if she wanted to call Ted any names. She wasn't interested in doing that herself but told Howard he could do that for her. Howard said he was staying out of it. Howard wrapped up with Kathy a short time later and said that they had to take another break. Ted was telling Howard that his wife used to get migraine headaches until she started bow hunting.

  After another edited out commercial break Howard gave Ted some plugs for his magazine that he has out. Ted said he writes the magazine himself and he puts his heart and soul into it. He said his wife is also involved with it and she's very much into it as well. Howard checked out some pictures of his wife and said she was pretty hot.

  Howard asked Ted if he's ever been touched by a guy who he hunted with. Ted said that did happen one night when he was staying at a hotel with his band. He had a roadie who was a really good guy. He said they went to bed one night when they were sharing a room with a bunch of guys. He said they were both sleeping on the floor and he felt this guy's hand on him as he was trying to go to sleep. Howard went through the story and asked Ted about how hairless his body is and how it's kind of muscular and lean. Ted said when the guy touched him, he just wailed on him and punched him in the face. He said he was only 19 at the time so he felt kind of horrible for reacting like that.

  Ted said he doesn't think it's wrong but it's an aberration to him. He said he's really uncomfortable with that kind of stuff and it seems very strange to him. Robin said there are a lot of different lifestyles in rock and roll so he must have come across that kind of stuff before. Ted said that's true. He went on to talk about how Jimi Hendrix wanted him to do drugs with him but he refused. He said they were in this little dressing room and Jimi offered him some LSD. He said Jimi was making fun of him for not doing that and about a bunch of other things. He pointed out that Jimi ended up dying after choking on his own vomit.

  Howard played some of Ted's music and gave him some plugs for his new box set. They spent a short time talking about that. Howard also talked to Ted about how he got started playing guitar and all of that. Ted said his father was scared of rock and roll so he didn't know what to think when he started to get into it. He said his father is probably proud of him but he doesn't really talk to him all that much. He said he gets to see him once in a while but not all that often. Robin asked if that's why he never got into the drugs and alcohol thing. Ted said that's really not why, because he didn't even realize what the alcohol did to his father.

  Ted said his mom passed away back in 1989 and her dying words were ''Ted, this sucks...'' He said she was 60-something and she was an amazing woman with a lot of power. Howard changed subjects and asked Ted if he's had two women at the same time. Ted said he has done that. Howard asked him if he's had black women too. Ted said he has had black women as well.

  Howard asked Ted about how he got this wife of his that he has now. Ted told Howard the story about how he met her so Howard asked him why he'd give up the whole groupie thing and stop getting laid like that. Ted said he was never into that stuff. Howard gave Ted another plug for his box set and played a little more of his music. He told Ted that Fred went to see him at a concert up in Hartford one time and as soon as Ted got on stage, four fist fights broke out near him so he left. Fred said he'd rather go home and listen there instead of getting beaten up.

  Howard played a few more of Ted's songs as they were talking about a concert Ted was going to be doing at Jones Beach. Ted invited Fred to come out and check out the show. He promised there would be no fist fights. Howard asked Ted when he made his first million bucks. Ted said he was 22 years old when that happened. He said he worked his ass off to make that money though. Howard went to break after that.

• Howard Reads Faxes And Takes Some Phone Calls. 06/10/1993. 8:15am
  After the break Howard said that Ted sure was into that hunting stuff. He said Ted was leaving to go hunt in Central Park. He said he asked Ted if he can really do that in Central Park. He said Ted was serious too. He wished he had a hobby that could fulfill his life like Ted has with hunting. He said a lot of angry people were faxing in during Ted's appearance. He read through some of those faxes. Some people really hated Ted and one person said they might need to thin out the human herd and get rid of Ted. Howard said there was someone who didn't like the woman from PETA. Another fax read ''Ted Nugent scares me.'' and it was signed Jeffrey Dahmer.

  Howard was having problems with his chair squeaking on the air so he complained about that a little bit. He also said that Robin's boyfriend was supposed to stop by this morning but Robin thought they should just throw him out. It was Penn from Penn and Teller that they were talking about. Howard said they could just get rid of him but that might not work.

  Howard said the woman who was supposed to show up naked didn't show up this morning. He took a phone call after that. A caller said he worked out where Ted used to go and he'd bring all kinds of guys with him to drink and stuff.

  Howard read a letter he got from a guy who claims that he was robbed and they stole his ''Crucified by the FCC'' stuff. He said it even made the police blotter.

  Howard said he's going to be editing his book this weekend. He said on Sunday that's all he's going to be doing. He said he's going to meet with his editor and she'll tell him what's good and bad so he can make some changes. He told Robin that she's got some good sensibilities so he's trusting her to tell him what's good for the book.

  Howard took some phone calls and lost a lot of people who weren't ready to talk on the air. One guy asked what was up with Belzer yesterday because he sounded kind of out of it on the show. Howard said he's not sure what was going on there. Howard said that he's going to prove what a commercial success he can be by doing a movie eventually. He said after that he's done.

  Howard said he's going to do a movie where he won't have to worry about censorship. He figures he'll be able to fill the theaters with fans when that happens. He was also talking about how he would rather make big money at the box office to prove just how big he can be. He asked Robin to tell him about any other celebrity who has conquered the media the way he has. Robin thought for a moment and mentioned Dick Clark. Howard said he was never in the movies. He said that he is the greatest guy in show business ever. He wanted to hear that from Robin but she was thinking of some other guys. She mentioned Bob Hope but Howard said he never wrote a book.

  Howard said that nobody out there has been so successful with everything he has touched. He said if he gets the proper script, he's sure he can make it a hit. He said there's noting left after a movie. He's done radio, TV, books and eventually a movie.

• Goofing On Penn Jillette. 06/10/1993. 8:25am
  Howard said Penn was there but he wanted to let him sit out in the office for a while. He talked about how Penn likes to bad mouth them all over town. Gary came in and said he had to sit in there because it was getting kind of uncomfortable out there sitting with Penn in his office. Howard said Penn is there to promote something called Monstervision on the TNT network. He said he had high hopes for Penn and Teller and they just haven't turned it into anything.

  Howard said he's seen Penn and Teller do things that were pretty good but there are other guys like David Copperfield who do some amazing tricks. He talked about one that Copperfield had done and how they wanted to ask Penn how he did it. AS they were talking about Penn they did an impression of him talking which was just a dog bark.

  Howard was talking about something that Tom Chiusano wanted to correct him on. Tom came in and corrected him so Howard pointed out that he listens to the show on a whole other level. He felt like he had to come in and correct them on something they didn't care all that much about. Howard continued to goof on Penn and how he refuses to tell them how tricks are performed when they have him in.

  Howard continued to goof on Penn for a short time while Fred played the human dog barking sound clip. Gary was still sitting in the studio to avoid Penn. Someone came in and told Howard that Penn was pacing around the room out there. Howard said he had to take a break before bringing Penn in there. He really thought that Penn and Teller were going to do better with their careers. He kept asking questions of the fake Penn and Fred would keep playing the barking sounds. They went to break a short time later.

• Penn Jillette Visits. 06/10/1993. 8:40am
  After the break Howard came back and had the guys bring Penn into the studio. Howard told him he knows he's upset with them but they've heard him bad mouthing them all over town. Penn said he just tells the fans that he really doesn't know Howard or Robin when they ask him about them. Howard said he could just say that he's a great guy and leave it at that. Penn said he could do that.

  Howard said Penn looks huge and has gained a lot of weight. Penn said he really doesn't think he is. He said he thinks he weighs 250 which he's weighed forever. He's 6'6'' tall though. Howard is 6'5'' and weighs about 200 pounds.

  Howard pointed out that Robin has had a crush on Penn in the past and wondered if she's upset that he doesn't call her anymore. Robin admitted to the crush but said she's really not upset that he doesn't call. Robin said they go over all of this stuff about the attitude he has about them when fans ask him about them. Penn said he just doesn't know them and has nothing to say to those people.

  Gary came in and said there's a guy on the phone who claims to have drive Penn around about a year ago and heard Penn bad mouthing Howard. Howard got the guy on the phone and asked him what he heard. The caller said he heard Penn and Teller talking about how they didn't want to go on Howard's show but they had to do it just to do some promotion. Penn said that he was probably just complaining about getting up at 5 in the morning but he really doesn't think he would have bad mouthed Howard. Howard told Penn that his spies are all over the place and they will fill them in on every detail if they hear stuff like that.

  Penn asked if it's possible that he made a mistake and just heard him talking about how he had just done a midnight show and had to get up at 5 in the morning to do a radio show. The caller was pretty sure he just heard Penn complaining about Howard.

  Howard asked Penn about his girlfriend and what's going on there. Penn talked about her a little bit but they got back to the discussion about the bad mouthing of Howard. Howard tried to talk to Penn about this Monstervision thing that they're doing. Penn said he thinks that it's actually a funny show and he likes what they've done. Howard told him he thought they'd be bigger stars by now. Penn said that they're doing just fine.

  Howard asked Penn about this David Copperfield trick that he saw and how he could have done it. Penn didn't see the trick so he's not sure how he did it. He said he's not sure he'd want to tell Howard even if he did know how he did it. He said David has been very nice to them and he's not sure it would be right to reveal how he does his tricks.

  Fred threw in some of those barking sounds while Penn was talking. Howard took another call from a guy who claimed he had heard Penn bad mouthing Howard after asking him how the show had gone one morning that he was on. Howard said he would never do that to Penn.

  Robin told Howard that he was supposed to kick Penn out of there. Howard told Penn to get out and he actually stood up to leave. Howard said most people ignore him and don't leave. He didn't really want him to leave so he told him to sit back down.

• Robin's News. 06/10/1993. 8:55am
  After another edited out commercial break Howard said Penn was telling him how David Copperfield did that trick he asked about earlier. He also talked to him about the bad mouthing and asked him to stop with that stuff. Howard had Robin get to her news so they could wrap up with that and get back to Penn.

  Howard mentioned that Penn had made it with the white Julie Brown from MTV years ago. He dumped her just like he dumped Robin. Penn pointed out that Jackie had just written that joke. Howard told Penn that this was going to be his last appearance on the show. He wanted to kick him out because it was too tough to do the news with him in there. Penn apologized and said he'd quiet down.

  At one point Howard asked Fred if he knew the Mars family because he was from Mars after all. Fred said he knew them but he had a mouth full of food so Howard asked him about that pouch he keeps in there. Fred said that maybe he could spit it in his hair to show him. They had to take a break a short time later.

  After the break Howard brought up the date that Robin and Penn went on one time. Robin said she wouldn't call it a date but Howard said if she went to a movie, it was a date. Howard asked Penn if he ever got to see Robin's jugs. He said he never did and Robin made sure she said no to that as well.

  Howard gave Penn a plug for the TNT special he's doing and ended up goofing on Ted Turner who owns TNT. He and Robin did that for a couple of minutes. Howard then asked Penn about that show he's doing and what he and Teller do on that show. They went through that stuff and then Robin got back to her news.

  Robin read through a bunch of stories while Howard and Penn commented on them. They continued to goof on Penn's bark but Penn got into it and started doing it himself. Robin wrapped up her news so Howard spent a little more time talking to Penn before they ended the show. They were talking about music after Robin mentioned that Yanni had a sold out show in the area. Howard found that hard to believe. Penn was telling Howard about some of the bands he enjoys but Howard goofed on him about the bands he liked.

  Robin had one more story to read after she had already wrapped up her news report. She said that they had to talk about the passing of Conway Twitty. She went through that story quickly and then Howard wrapped up the show and said goodbye to Penn. The show was over by about 9:50am (Master Tape Theatre time).

• Master Tape Theatre - June 15, 1993. 11/23/07. 6:00am
  Today's Master Tape Theatre replay was from June 15, 1993. This was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I were hearing it for the first time today.

• Howard Working On His Book. 06/15/1993. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: A David Letterman introduction for Howard.

  Howard started off the show complaining about his microphone stand squeaking. He moved it around so it was squeaking like crazy and then made it sound like a squeaking bed and moaned for Robin a little bit. He said some people think it's his chair but it's actually the stand.

  Howard talked about some of the stuff they had coming up on the show like Dice Clay wanting to call in to talk about some stuff. He said he was on the phone with him last night. Howard has been writing his book and he was trying to avoid everyone yesterday. He locks himself in his office and tries to avoid everyone.

  Howard said he'll write a chapter and turn it into his editor and she'll tell him that she liked the previous ones better. He said he did six chapters that he turned in and gave them to his editor who goes through them, edits them and then gives them back to him to go over to make sure he's okay with the edits. He said it takes a lot longer than you'd think it would. He said he hates reading stuff after he writes it. He said he's read the chapters like 20 times before it's done.

  Howard said he has some stuff in the book about Robin and that's turning into a pain in the ass because he's got to line up a bunch of stuff like pictures and things like that.

  Howard said that he's been working outside sometimes. He used to have to do the writing inside but then he found that he could go outside and enjoy the weather while he's working on this stuff. Robin is thinking of writing a book too and she knows how lonely it can be to sit down and write that stuff out. Howard said he's not sure it's worth going through because it's such a tough process. He said that the end product is what you're looking forward to but it's tough to get through the rest of it.

  Robin said that she'd like to have herself taped and then have someone transcribe it for her. Howard said she could do it that way but it might be tough.

  Howard said that he's doing a photo shoot at the end of the month and he needs like 20 women to help him out. He suggested that they call in and let him know so he can look them over.

• Howard Discusses Disgusting Porn Movie. 06/15/1993. 6:10am
  Howard asked the fans to stop sending porno movies, they're getting way too many. He said Robin walked into the office yesterday and saw them watching an S and M movie. Howard said the woman in the movie looked like Moe from the Three Stooges and she probably deserved to be beaten.

  Howard said Gary announced they had a new porno movie to watch so they all sat down to watch it. They discussed in detail what the woman looked like and how unattractive she was. Howard said she was getting spanked and whipped and stuff like that. Howard said that half way through the movie, the woman ''made lunch'' for the guy. He said he started to gag when he saw that and then Jackie was almost puking.

  Jackie said that Robin wasn't able to see it so they had to rewind it for her so she could see it. Gary said he saw Howard cover up his face which was something he'd never seen before. Howard said they have to get back to the rest of that movie today.

  Howard said that Kathy Tobin sits back there the whole time and doesn't look at any of it. He's not sure how she does that. She just ignores it all. Robin talked about how gross that stuff was but she reminded Howard of it too much and he said he was getting sick again just thinking about it.

  The guys said that the whole thing was just disgusting and the more movies they get, the grosser they get. Howard said that someone will probably top it by sending in something even worse.

• Various Phone Calls. 06/15/1993. 6:15am
  Howard took a call from a guy who asked when they're coming to Houston. Howard said he doesn't know, they have to wait for stations to pick up the show. They don't have a network set up and they have to wait for the stations to come to them.

  Another caller asked what they're going to call Howard's book. Howard said he's thinking of ''Private Parts'' or even ''Penis.'' He said that the publisher isn't sure if they could put out a book with a name like that. The caller suggested ''Talking Tall'' but Howard said that it wasn't all that great.

  The caller also asked Howard about getting his vision fixed by his friend Dr. Lou. Howard said he doesn't even wear contacts and he doesn't care that much about getting his eyes fixed. He said he'd probably get sick and lose his voice if he had his eyes done. He's always afraid of that happening.

  Howard took another call from a guy who asked when this book is going to be coming out. Howard said he wasn't sure yet. He was still working on it and didn't have a clue yet. He took another call from a guy who sounded like he was a little out of it. The caller said he got into an event where Vice President Gore was at and mentioned Howard to him. Howard wondered how this guy can get in when he can't get any time with President Clinton at all.

  Howard had to rush the guy though his story about meeting Gore because he was dragging it out too much. The guy claimed he had asked Gore about getting the FCC off his back and Gore didn't answer him about it. His people told him that he can't ask Gore about Howard Stern. The guy's story didn't go much further so Howard let him go.

  Howard took another call from a guy who brought up Pit Bulls and said that they're not as dangerous as people make them out to be. Howard didn't want to argue about that and said that the dogs are dangerous.

  The caller was also telling Howard about how his name was brought up in a news show the other night and they lumped him in with the Greaseman. Howard said they always do that and he doesn't like it. He got fed up with that caller too and let him go a short time later.

  Howard said that they just hired that Greaseman guy there at his station and he's not going to kiss the guy's ass. He went break a short time later.

• Joan Rivers Article Discussed. 06/15/1993. 6:35am
  Howard came back from break and talked about the cover of People magazine since Joan Rivers and her daughter were on it. Howard said that Robin thought the picture was kind of disturbing because it looks like Joan has ripped Melissa's clothes off in the picture. They talked about that for a couple of minutes as Howard was going through the article and looking at the pictures.

  Howard said that they have a phone attached to their treadmill. He also said that it's funny how it looks like Joan wants to have her daughter's body. He said Joan seems to be trying to make her daughter a sex symbol but she's really not one, she's just a nice girl.

  Howard was also talking about Joan's husband Edgar who was an odd looking guy. Howard said he was kind of ugly but he had money and he was interested in Joan. She was kind of a pig at the time they got married too so he married a pig. He said he thinks that Joan would agree with that statement because she was one at the time. Howard said that if he ran People magazine, he'd interview Joan's first husband. He told Gary to try to find him today so he can interview him.

  Robin said that she was reading an article about a movie producer who had passed away and how they said in the article that the guy's long time companion was Jack Larson, the guy who played Jimmy Olson on the old Superman TV shows. Howard said that doesn't mean he was gay, it just means he was his companion. He said he'd like Gary to get him on the show as well.

• Frank The Celebrity Stalker. 06/15/1993. 6:45am
  Howard said that they have a guy there who runs around getting pictures with celebrities. Frank is all excited to get on the show so he was going to have him in. He said that Frank has pictures with tons of celebrities and that's all he does. Frank came in a short time later. Robin said he's a normal looking guy too.

  Frank came in and said he's 57 years old and from Mississippi. He said he's been doing this for about 16 or 17 years now. He said his wife used to go around with him taking the pictures. His wife used to come with him when he was married.

  Frank said that his son thought he was kind of crazy but his wife was fine with all of this. Howard went through some of the pictures and asked him how he got so close to some of those people. The guy told Howard about how he just asks for a quick snap shot with them and they usually let him do it. He doesn't bother them too much, he doesn't get into a whole conversation or anything.

  Howard found one picture of him with Dr. Kervorkian, David Duke, Bill Clinton and others. The guy said that he just goes to events and hangs out until he can get a chance to take pictures with them. Howard said it's an impressive list of celebrities he's got. He's dressed in a suit and tie in the pictures so he looks like secret service or something.

  Howard said there was one of him with Milli Vanilli and it looked like something from back stage or something. Frank said that it was back stage at the Joan Rivers show. He also had one of him with Madonna so Frank told Howard about how he got that one.

  Howard looked through a bunch more of the pictures and asked him about how he got them. He even got one with John Gotti. Howard asked him about who was rude. Frank said that Bob Euker was really rude to him. He found that really odd. He also said that Frank Lewis was very rude but in the picture he looks like his best friend. He said that Randy Jackson also carried on quite a bit. He said that Jack Palance yelled at him about asking him for the picture.

  Frank said that he's trying to get a picture with Paul McCartney but it's been very tough to make that happen. He uses a beat up old camera so Howard asked him f he's afraid that it's not going to work when that special picture comes up. Frank said he's taken 6000 pictures and he's never had a problem with one not coming out.

  Howard went through some of the other pictures that Frank had and asked him about a few more before he wrapped up with him.

• Amy Lynn Calls In. 06/15/1993. 7:10am
  After the break Howard took a call from a guy who was mumbling a bit. Howard hung up on him and said he really needs to take calls from women because he needs to find a bunch for the chapter girls for his book. He took some more phone calls but it was more guys. Gary came in and told Howard he had Amy Lynn on the phone so he went right to her.

  Howard asked Amy if she'd like to be one of the girls for his book. She said that she could do that and she thinks that they could get Sandy Taylor to do it as well. Howard said that the book company thought that it would be cool to have regular chicks in there instead but he'll keep it in mind.

  Amy told Howard to come and see her at the Chicken House this week. Howard said that he's been to see her at these clubs and she takes Polaroid pictures with the fans for like $20 each. Her mother takes the pictures while the guys hold her leg up. He said that about 300 guys per show will go up and do that with her.

  Howard said she does a bunch of shows a day and she must bring in a bunch of money. She said that she did one show after being on Howard's show and it was the best day she'd done. Howard said the guys will stand there and wait for the pictures, then she takes her robe off for the guys in each picture. She's all oiled up from the oil show she does and the guys get to hold her leg.

  Robin ruined it when she asked Amy how the baby is doing. Howard told her not to bring that up, he didn't want to hear about a baby. He wrapped up with her a short time later and was about to hang up on her but got sidetracked and talked about how he fantasizes about her. He said he's thought about having her at his house out by the pool and swimming nude and stuff like that. He talked about what he'd do to her and how he'd like to go for an hour or so doing stuff he doesn't usually do. Then he'd have to marry her because that's the kind of guy he is.

  Howard and Robin asked Amy who she's seeing but she said she's not talking about that stuff on the air. She admitted she has a man but she's not going to talk about it on the air. It turns out it was the father of her child that she was back with.

  Howard told Amy she could be in the book and let her go a short time later. He said she's so hot and like a volcano ready to erupt. He figures that she can't possibly smell bad at all. He said that he'd do to her what they did in that porno movie that he was talking about earlier.

• Various Discussions. 06/15/1993. 7:20am
  Howard talked about one of his imitators and how the guy used to claim that he didn't know who he was but once he started getting into trouble, he'd throw his name around as if he had been listening to him for years. Howard read through the article about the guy and goofed on him a bit.

  Howard said that there's a new group out to get them called The Anti Stern Group. He read some of their letter that they're sending out to people trying to get him off the air and to stop his movie from being made.

  Howard read an article about a guy who had been robbed of his ''Butt Bongo Fiesta'' video tape. That was all that was stolen from him and they only valued it at $130. Howard said that was an insult to value it so low.

  Howard took a call from a guy who said that they went too easy on Ted Nugent last week because the guy has goofed on Howard in the past. Howard said that he didn't have a problem with Ted and ended up hanging up on the guy.

• Mr. T Visits. 06/15/1993. 7:30am
  Howard had Mr. T come in after the phone calls. Mr. T was wearing a fork and spoon around his neck. Mr. T said that they're gold, they're not just any fork and spoon. Howard and Mr. T talked about this tough man competition that Mr. T is involved with but he didn't want to spend too much time on that because he's got other things to promote. Mr. T has his own comic book out now so he wanted to talk about that.

  Howard asked Mr. T about the fork and spoon around his neck again and Mr. T talked about how he's having a plate made up as well. Robin wondered if the stuff was solid gold or hollow. Mr. T let Howard feel the weight of it and Howard said it felt like it was solid to him.

  Howard talked to Mr. T about a white lady he had with him today. Mr. T told him that was his wife but he was just saying that to get Howard off his back since last time he was on he wouldn't let it go. Howard had the woman come in and asked her if traveling around with Mr. T has brought her closer to him and if her husband has gotten jealous at all. She said that he actually loves Mr. T.

  Howard said he wonders if Mr. T is hung big or not. Mr. T wasn't going to answer that. He said he knew that Howard was going to go there and all he wanted to do was promote his comic book. Howard talked to Mr. T about some guys like Jesse Jackson who T was defending. T was going nuts yelling about stuff constantly so Howard said he had to go to break. Then he asked Mr. T to translate some stuff that they had Jesse Jackson saying since he claimed that he could understand anything the guy said. They played a quick clip of a homeless guy mumbling something as a joke.

  Howard asked Mr. T if he's ever killed anyone. Mr. T said that some guys robbed her in the projects at one point so he took care of them. He said that he wasn't going to say he killed anyone but no one ever saw those guys again. Howard tried to find out what he did to the guys but all Mr. T would say is that he tortured them.

  Howard got back to the Jesse Jackson discussion and asked Mr. T about that again. T was rambling on and on and yelling about everything. Howard tried asking T about his real name, Larry, and if his mother calls him that. T got all freaked out about that and said it was disrespectful to call him that name. Robin asked him if he's legally changed his name to Mr. T or if that's just like a rap name. Mr. T didn't give a straight answer though. He just went on and on talking about how it's a sign of respect to call him by the name he uses. He went on and on about that for a few minutes.

  Howard asked Mr. T how many times a day he goes to the bathroom. T went nuts again and said it's funny how the white man just wants to know how the black man works. Howard figured he must have a hard time wiping with all of that jewelry on him. T wasn't getting into that stuff though. He said he likes controversial guys like Howard but he's not going to talk about that.

  Howard got to Mr. T's book since he was running out of time. T said he knew that was going to happen and that's the only reason he was there today. Howard went on to ask Mr. T about his some other stuff and he was yelling about everything so Howard cut his microphone off. He could still hear him though.

  Howard gave Mr. T some plugs for his new comic book and spent a minute on that. T said that he's not a super hero in the comic book, he's just himself and does what he does in real life. Howard asked Mr. T if he hated George Peppard when he worked with him on The A-Team. Mr. T said he loved everyone on that show.

  Howard asked Mr. T if he ever masturbates but T said he just reads the bible instead of doing that. Howard asked him if he ever does anything like that to himself but he wasn't answering the questions. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to T about his two daughters. Howard seemed surprised when he found out he's got two kids. Howard eventually wrapped up and gave Mr. T some plugs for his comic book and then went to break.

• Mr. T Discussions. 06/15/1993. 8:15am
  After the break Howard said that Robin was thinking that Mr. T was gay but then they found out he had kids. Robin said she didn't say that first, it was Gary who said it. Howard said they were talking the other day and found out that Jackie may have had sex with a guy. That led to Jackie telling a story about being in college and how he and this guy got drunk together. They got really drunk with some other guys at a house not too far from the fraternity house. He said that he woke up the next morning with no clothes on and under the covers. He said that one of the guys said that he was with a blonde the night before and he was thinking it may have been him. Jackie said he doesn't think he had sex with a guy though.

  Howard went into his impression of Jackie and goofed on him about that story. He still thinks that Jackie may have had sex with a guy and he's just not willing to admit it or he just doesn't remember it. Gary said that it was possible that he was lit and there were some girls and some guys and the guy could have done something to him and he just let it happen.

• Robin's News. 06/15/1993. 8:25am
  Howard said that they need to get out of there on time today so he had Robin start her news. He said that Dice was going to be stopping in as well. He heard that Gary and Robin had seen ''Last Action Hero'' last night and they were saying it was really good. Gary thinks that it was even better than ''Jurassic Park.'' Howard said Gary was hoping that people didn't get suckered into thinking that Jurassic Park was better than Last Action Hero and miss out on seeing such a great movie.

  Robin said that she was so taken by that movie that she was thinking about bringing in all of her tapes of his movies to have him sign them. She said she thinks that she'd have a hard time talking to him after seeing the movie because she did think so much of it.

  Howard said he'd like to see movies like that but he doesn't want to go to a theater to see them. He asked Gary to see if he can get the movie company to send him a copy on tape so he can watch it at home. He said that he'd promise not to give it to anyone else if they did that.

  Robin got back into her news and read through a few stories. Howard ended up talking about how he has to ''chub up'' before he's with a woman because he's so small in the pants. He said that he refuses to go swimming naked, even at his own house, because he's so self conscious about that. He said he'd be home swimming naked right then if he did have a big one. Robin read through a bunch more stories while they waited for Andrew Dice Clay to show up.

• Andrew Dice Clay And Club Soda Kenny Visit. 06/15/1993. 8:50am
  After the break Howard had Gary bring in Andrew Dice Clay who showed up late. He said he had to get out of there but Dice showed up late. Dice came in and said that he got caught in traffic. He said that Club Soda Kenny showed up late too so that didn't help.

  Howard asked Dice to put out the cigarette but Dice gave him a hard time about that. Howard asked Kenny about picking up Dice late. Dice cut him off and told Howard that he ruins his timing when he asks him to put out his cigarette.

  Howard said he was writing about Dice for his new book. He told Dice that he was writing about something that happened on the show one time. Howard figured that Kenny loves Dice. Kenny let him know that he really does. Dice then yelled at him asking where his coffee was. Kenny told him that Fafa Fooey is getting it.

  Howard let Dice get in a plug for his pay-per-view event called ''The Undisputed Comedy King'' which is the first pay-per-view event for a stand-up comic according to Dice. That led to Dice talking about the comedy shows he does and how sick he is of people yelling out his old act like they want him to do that stuff. He said if he did do the old material, they'd get pissed and ask him why he's not doing new stuff. He can't win.

  Howard asked Dice where he's doing his press conference today. Dice didn't want to say where it was because he didn't need more people showing up. Dice got his coffee around that time. Kathy brought it in for him.

  Howard was asking Club Soda Kenny if he was coming down with Dice to the E! show shoot. Kenny wasn't sure. Howard told him that he should come down and ask him a question down there. Howard also wanted to see what kind of shape Dice was in so he asked him to take his shirt off. Dice didn't want to do that but he did show him his shirt.

  Howard asked Dice how his TV show is going. Dice said that he hates ABC how and they jerked him around with that whole thing. Howard asked Kenny if he's married. Kenny said that he has a wife and two wonderful children. He was trying to joke about how he was separated from the wife but Dice corrected him and told him not to tell jokes.

  Kenny ended up posing for Robin when they asked him to show off his body. Howard said that his breasts were bigger than Robin's were. He also said that he's got more brains in his boobs than in his head.

  Howard had Robin get back to her news and had Dice and Kenny sit in and hang out while she finished up. Dice spent a minute going off on Bill Cosby during the news after Robin brought him up in a story. He said that Bill hates any comic who uses the word ''damn'' in their act.

  Howard asked Dice about his movie and how that seems to have ruined his movie career. Dice said that they did screw him over in the press about that movie. Dice thinks that it's because he's a Jew that they went after him. He's been blackballed and can't get a movie now. Dice said that Damon Wayans wants to put him in a movie but the movie company doesn't want him in it.

  Robin read through some more stories and Howard asked Dice about something that had come up but he was busy reading about himself in the paper so he had no idea what it was about. Dice lit up another cigarette so Howard asked him why he has to do that. Dice said that he does smoke all the time and he loves it. He wondered what the problem was. He said just because Howard gave up smoking doesn't mean he has to give it up. He thinks that he could give it up if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to. He said he could probably do his act without the cigarette but he doesn't want to.

  Howard asked Kenny if he smokes. Kenny said that Dice actually got him started. He lit one up, took a puff and said ''Ohh, that's refreshing.'' Howard asked him to put it out but Dice told him to leave it lit. They went back and forth on that for a minute before Kenny put it out. Howard had Robin get back into her news a short time later.

  Robin wrapped up her news and Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Dice about this pay-per-view show he's doing. They also talked about Dice's wife. Kenny said that she's beautiful and he's seen her almost undressed. He claimed that he didn't look at her as if he wants her though. Kenny said he was very embarrassed talking about this stuff. Kenny said that's the mother of Dice's children so he can't go there.

  Howard asked Dice if he's going to have more kids. Dice said if he does, he does. He said when he goes in for the bang, he doesn't think about wether or not he's going to have more kids. He just goes in there and gets the job done.

  Dice said that the great thing about this special he's doing is that it's live. He can say and do anything he wants. He said he can't wait to get it done, he's like a time bomb. Dice was also going off Jay Leno for not letting him on his show. He said that he'd like to clear up whatever problems he's got with him by going on and talking to him. He said that Carson wasn't like that, he would have let him on the show if he was still hosting it.

  Dice got in a few more plugs for his special and Howard said he's probably gotten in more plugs than anyone else in the history of the show.

  Gary came running in and told Howard that they're still number one in the New York City ratings with an 8.1 rating. Howard said that's good news. Robin ran out of her booth around that time so Howard wondered what happened to her. Gary said that she ran off to the bathroom last night when they were out at the movie because she had to doot. She came running back in a few seconds later and said that she was just looking up some information.

  Howard thanked Dice and Club Soda Kenny for coming in. He said he had to get out of there for a meeting so he had to wrap up with them. Dice said they were in the middle of an interview and Howard was running out of there. Howard told him he had to get to that meeting and ended the show a short time later. The show was done by about 9:25am (Master Tape Theatre time).

• Bonus Dice Clip From May 14, 1991. 06/15/1993. 9:25am
  After the Master Tape Theatre show was done, they threw in a bonus clip from May 14, 1991. In this clip we heard another Dice Clay visit. Dice brought in his father and his buddy Hot Tub Johnny. Howard talked to Dice about working with Joan Rivers. He also asked him about some girl he was with in the paper. Dice said it was probably some whore who had leached onto him. It turned out it was Dice's girlfriend Trini. Howard had never seen her before.

  Howard asked Dice's father about what he does for him. He's his personal manager but Dice said that he's really the only guy he listens to in the business. Howard asked the guy if he ever thought that Dice was just a dummy like his own father did. Dice's father said that he was a good kid. Howard played some examples of his father yelling at him when he was a little kid to show just what his father thought of him as a kid.

  Howard told Dice that he's looking really good now and not letting himself fall apart. Dice told Howard that Duff from Guns N Roses beat up Sam Kinison recently. Howard said he didn't know that and now Sam is going to think that he's goofing on him if he talks about this. Dice went on to tell the story about what Duff told him about beating Sam up. Dice said that duff told him that Sam was choking Slash to death and Duff had to step in and do something about it.

  Dice said that Duff was held down by Sam's body guard but he was able to get in a punch to his head. Howard said that he doesn't know if this story is true or not. Dice said this is what he heard. He went on to say that Duff ripped off the dirty rag from Sam's head at one point. Sam was going to have him arrested but they dropped the charges after the cops showed up.

  Howard said that he's friends with both Sam and Dice and he's not going to say anything bad about Sam. Dice said he thinks that Sam is a very talented guy and he's not saying anything bad, he's just telling the story. He said it's a shame what happened to the guy.

  Howard said that there's a story about Jane Wiedland in the paper today. She was there to talk about it so Howard had her come in a short time later. Dice asked Jane if she knows who he is. She said she didn't and she wasn't familiar with him at all. Jane was sitting there in a bra according to Dice. He said that she can't possibly have a problem with him if she's sitting there in a bra.

  Howard asked Jane to talk about what she did the day before. Jane said that they went to a fashion show for fur coats and when the show started they all ripped off their clothes and went up on stage with signs that said they'd rather go naked than wear fur.

  Dice was asking Jane where she lives and what she's doing now. She said she lives out in Agora, California and she's just been taking her clothes off a lot lately. She told Dice that he was being kind of antagonistic today. Dice told her that's what he does to make millions.

  Howard had Robin get to some news. As she was reading through some of that Dice was joking around and Jane interrupted him. He went off on her for interrupting him and complained about how dumb she is. He said her man must be a real idiot. He was just joking around though. Howard wrapped up a short time later and ended the show.

  Today's show was over by about 9:45am.

• Master Tape Theatre - June 24, 1993. 04/18/08. 6:00am
  Today's Master Tape Theatre show was from June 24, 1993. This was not in my archives so I've written up a quick rundown of that show as if I were hearing it for the first time today.

• Prisoner Prank Calls. 06/24/1993. 6:00am
  Howard started off the show talking to Robin about how they had a guy on the phone calling in from prison. He said they'd usually go to commercial first thing but they had this guy on the line. Howard went to the phone and had some problems with another guy listening in on another line. He had to ask him to hang up.

  The caller said he was in for an SEC violation so Howard and Robin asked him about that. The guy said that he was part of an insider trading thing and got busted. He told the guys about the jail he's in and it didn't sound all that bad. He said that they don't have good food or conjugal visits so that kind of sucks.

  The guy filled Howard in on what jail time is like for him and how he ended up there. He told Howard that he made some prank calls last night and he wanted to play them for him today. Howard was calling the guy ''King of All Prisoners'' during the call.

  King played the tape of the prank call he made to CNN. He threw in some Baba Booey references and things like that. Howard said that must give them a hobby there in prison. He told him he did okay for his first time out.

  Howard asked King more about the jail and how things work in there. He let him go a short time later. The guy was lecturing a bit about some stuff so Howard cut him off and thanked him for the call.

• Various Discussions And Phone Calls. 06/24/1993. 6:05am
  Howard said he got an article faxed to him about how watching your wife give birth might make you impotent. He said that he believes that after seeing his wife give birth. He said that watching all of that gushing out of your wife is something that you can't forget. He said that it's hard to look at her sexually after something like that. Howard said that when you see that you think of that as a wound down there. Like a big, oozing zit.

  Howard said that they should be getting into about 5 new markets in the next few weeks. He said the country is theirs for the taking.

  Howard said he was dying from the heat in the studio this morning. He spent a short time talking about his eye problems and how he has some kind of rare thing going on with his eyes. He said that when he sleeps his eye opens up a very small amount so that ends up screwing up his eye.

  Howard took some calls and talked to one guy who said that CNN was trying to say that Howard wasn't writing his own book. Howard said that CNN doesn't know what they're talking about and they should be reporting how Larry King didn't write his own book. They spent a couple of minutes on that. Howard said that he does have people assisting him because he can't go through his old material himself. He said he has to have them help him out so he can go back and write about some of the things that he's done in the past.

  Howard talked about that report and how he has to pay a lot of people to help him out with the book. He said that CNN can't get him for anything like cheating on his wife so they have to go after him about something like this book thing. He said that he didn't send someone off to go write his book for him. He said that's slanderous and irresponsible. He said he should sue them over that. Robin said he wouldn't have much of a suit there.

  Howard said that the sun don't shine over his head. He said that CNN should be doing some reports about Ted Turner and the way he treats his people.

• Howard Argues With Tom, Takes Some Calls. 06/24/1993. 6:25am
  Gary came in with a picture that a female fan sent in. The woman sent in some topless pictures. They spent a few minutes talking about that. Howard said that the girls were all over him when they met him too. He said that they were grabbing him and attacking him as if he were the Beatles or something. Mike Gange came in and said that they really were happy to meet him and he saw what was going on that day.

  Howard asked Gange why he didn't hook up with those girls. He said that he's got to work a lot there so he doesn't have the time to date. He said he can still pick up girls and figures he's a good looking guy. Howard wasn't so sure about that because his physique isn't all that great. He thought he had a nice ass but Howard asked to see it and told him that it had dimples on it. Jackie said that it was a disaster area back there.

  Howard said that Gange is trying to become an actor but when he asked him to act out a scene he said he wasn't able to remember the script. He said he has trouble with the line thing. Robin said that his father has already paid for his education and he can't make him pay for the acting lessons too. He said that he's not going to help him out with that.

  The guys goofed on Gange about that stuff for a couple of minutes. Howard said that he had some gossip on Gange and he might bring that out later today.

  A caller told Howard that the show had been censored again so that led to Howard going off on Tom Chiusano for his trigger finger. He said that his goal is to get rid of Tom this year. He said he doesn't like him and he wants him gone. Tom came in and said that he likes Howard but Howard told him to get out and said he's going to ruin him like he's ruining him. He said they'll see who ruins who.

  Howard and Tom went back and forth for a few minutes before Howard kicked him out. He said he doesn't want to argue with people at this point. He said he's very angry with him and he doesn't want to talk about it. He said he had to take a break a short time later but figured Tom would come in and say that he thinks he was just kidding earlier. He said he wasn't kidding though. He went to break a short time later.

• Intern Updates With Dave And Andy The Interns. 06/24/1993. 6:50am
  After the break Gary came in and told Howard that they were supposed to do an intern update. He said that one of the guys wasn't sure he wanted to come on this morning but he might be able to come on tomorrow. Howard said that if he can't do it today he might not do it at all.

  Howard said he was talking to Stuttering John yesterday and he was saying that the interns should know that they should move on eventually. He said that John wasn't even able to keep a straight face while saying that though.

  Howard said that Gary's hair looked really odd today. He said that his haircut was bad and he didn't do anything to help it after they goofed on it yesterday. Gary had put some gel in his hair but it didn't do anything to help.

  Howard said he had this guy David Race on the phone and he used to be an intern there. Howard said that Dave didn't get along with Gary and Fred when he was there. Howard said he liked Dave but Fred and Gary apparently didn't. Robin said she got along with him too.

  Dave said that Fred sat and tuned his guitar every time they'd ask him a question during his interview for the job. Howard said that Fred will get involved in stuff that he shouldn't even be involved with. He said he seems to like doing that but he jerks people around like that.

  Gary said that Fred interviewed him for his job at WNBC and he asked him algebra questions and stuff like that. Howard said that Fred is a strange guy and he will do stuff like that.

  Gary said he worked on a film in college that was about animals and Fred asked him if it was a bestiality film. Robin said that Fred told Gary that he had to get dressed up more when he meets Howard. Fred dresses down all the time but he was telling Gary to get a little more dressed up. That led to Gary wearing a grey pinstripe suit the day he went to meet with Howard.

  Howard got back to Dave and talked to him about how cocky he seemed to be. Dave thought that he was better than most of the jocks there. Dave told them that he had more talent in his pinkie than Fred did in his whole body. Dave denied saying that but he said he was just 19 at the time and that may have had something to do with it.

  Howard said that he had to tell Fred to calm down with some of that stuff he does because he can really throw some people off.

  Howard said that Dave has decided to become a stand-up comic and he's out doing shows now. They talked about that with him for a short time.

  Dave told the guys about some of the stuff he did on the show to screw with people. He said that he once poked a hole in the cup of that guy Froggy that used to be on the show. Howard said that guy was all messed up and the day he came in they were in practical joke mode and ended up poking a hole in his coffee cup and every time he'd drink it would dribble on him. He said that Dave brought in another cup for him and that one was leaking too. Gary said that Dave was at his desk in stitches and thought it was the funniest thing in the world that he had done that.

  Dave said that the time he had to go out and buy gay magazines was the worst for him. He told some other stories about what he had done while he was there before Howard wrapped up with him.

  Howard talked about how upset Fred can get when people make fun of him or goof on him. He said that he can dish it out but he can't take it.

  Dave told some other stories about the things that went on when he was working there. Gary said that he used to drive him nuts with the stuff that he'd talk to him about when he was there. He said that he actually grabbed his arms one day and told him to leave him alone.

  Howard took a call from another intern, Andy, and talked to him about the stuff he used to do there when he was working as an intern. Howard said he used to send him out for food at Roy Rogers and he'd never get the change back.

  Howard talked about how Andy and Jackie didn't get along very well. He also talked about how Andy got him into trouble with Soupy Sales over at WNBC. Gary said that Andy had gone through a bunch of departments over there at NBC and they were his last stop. They went to break a short time later.

• Howard Reads Some News. 06/24/1993. 7:30am
  After the break Howard said that they were supposed to have Joey Buttafuoco calling in today. Gary came in and said that Joey was supposed to call in but he called his brother and he was told he was busy with something else.

  Howard said that he talked to Dominic Barbara about the Joey case and heard that Joey isn't going to be opening up for Dice Clay like they were saying he was going to. Dice claimed that he had a signed contract but Joey is claiming there never was one.

  Howard said that they were being credited with causing the break up of Jerry Seinfeld and his girlfriend. Howard said he didn't want to take credit for that. He read the article about Seinfeld and his high school girlfriend. The mentioned Howard's name in the article and pointed out that he may have had something to do with the break up. Howard said that if Dice Clay was dating a 17 year old there would be people in an uproar. Seinfeld doesn't have that problem.

• Clarence Clemens Calls In. 06/24/1993. 7:30am
  Howard had Clarence Clemens on the phone so he went to the phones and talked to him for a few minutes. Howard asked him about his marriage, his divorce and things like that. Howard asked him if he's glad that Bruce's solo album didn't do well. Clarence said that he liked working with the guy and doesn't wish him any bad luck.

  Howard talked about Clarence's new album and then got back to the discussions about Bruce. They spent a few minutes on that stuff. Clarence said that it was Bruce who broke up the band, it wasn't his wife who broke them up.

  Howard found out that Clarence didn't get a piece of any of the albums that came out. He sounded a little surprised by that. Howard figured that Clarence was with his girlfriend down in Atlantic City but Clarence said that he was all alone. Howard let Clarence go after a few minutes.

• Intern Update - Billy Sabatini. 06/24/1993. 7:45am
  Howard got back to the intern updates and had this guy Billy Sabatini on the phone. Robin didn't remember who he was at first. Howard reminded her and she finally remembered who he was. Gary said that he was one of the most loved interns. Billy said he was working at another station now. Howard didn't have any strange stories about him and said that he was very clean cut when he was there.

  Robin said that she remembers going out to eat with Billy one time and remembered Howard dancing with Billy. Howard talked about going to do shows at Club Bene down in Sayreville, New Jersey and how that was like going to Kansas for them. Howard talked about some of the wacky stuff they used to do at those Club Bene shows and said that they put way too much energy into those shows. Howard let Billy go after a few minutes.

• More Phone Calls And Discussions. 06/24/1993. 7:55am
  Howard said that Robin was going to be making an appearance on Good Day and talking about her single life. She said that she'll be talking about how tough it can be being single while everyone around her is in a relationship.

  Howard read an article by this guy Mark Jurkowyz. He ended up talking more about the guy's last name than he did about the article. He seemed to be amused by the last name. Jackie said he had a friend with that last name and he was goofed on every day of his life in school. He ended up changing his last name to Jay so he couldn't get goofed on anymore.

  Howard talked about some journalists who have something against him and have tried to get him tied up in some drug changes and stuff like that. He said he doesn't even like taking aspirin and they were trying to get him tied up with some wacky drug charges. He said he had to pay a lawyer a lot of money to get him out of that whole thing. He said it's a good thing they work for some strong people.

  Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was calling to give them Siobhan's phone number and to talk about John Tesh. Howard put him back on hold so he could give them Siobhan's number.

  Howard said that Boston University had given up one of his pictures to the newspaper and he's not happy about that. He said that he doesn't want them sending him any more of that alumni crap anymore.

• Goofing On Gary. 06/24/1993. 8:05am
  Howard said that he was asked to watch some video of the E! shows that they've been working on lately. He said that he has to apologize to Richard Lewis for telling him he wasn't all that great on his interview show. He said that it turned out to be really good and he has to call him and let him know he was great.

  Howard talked to Gary about screwing up and not giving him the package that he was supposed to give him. He was supposed to give him the tapes he had to watch but failed to do it. Gary tried to defend himself but he wasn't having much luck.

  Howard said that Gary didn't sweat this out that much and he must not be too worried when he screws up something like that. Gary said that he does worry about it. Robin said that he should have chewed someone out for not getting that package to Howard. Gary said that he did. Howard and Fred goofed on Gary for a few minutes before they wrapped up and went to commercial.

• Robin's News. 06/24/1993. 8:25am
  After the break Howard came back and had Robin do her news. Robin read a story about a man (John Wayne Bobbit) who had his penis reattached after it was cut off by his wife while the guy was sleeping. They spent a few minutes talking about that story. That led to the guy's brother calling in to talk about what happened.

  The caller told Howard that he cringes every time he goes to the bathroom. He said that he doesn't know what his brother was doing to his wife to deserve that. He said that he hasn't spoken to his brother since it happened. He said that his wife was from another country so Howard and Robin both went ''Ahhhhhh!'' as if that explained it all.

  Howard asked the guy if his brother was big down there. The guy said ''Nah...'' to that. Howard said that it's amazing that the found the penis and he must have been well endowed for the cops to have been able to find his penis laying out in a field.

  Howard spent a few minutes talking to the brother and then let him go. He told him to try and get him on the phone and call them back if he can do that.

  Robin said that a penis is actually easier to reattach than a finger would be. She said that it has to be a clean cut though.

  Howard mentioned that Janis Ian was going to be stopping in tomorrow. He ended up reading the lyrics from her song ''At Seventeen'' and talking about how depressing that song seems to be. He said he's curious to speak to her about that and about her being a lesbian. Howard said they're also doing a press conference for San Francisco tomorrow.

  Robin got back to her news and read a few various stories but Howard ended up singing more of the Janis Ian song. Fred and Jackie got in on that too and made up their own lyrics. Robin read a story about the World Trade Center bombings. She also read a story about these pager guns that kids are bringing to school. That led to Howard making up some other weapons that kids could be bringing to school like hand grenade earrings and things like that.

  Robin read a few more stories about a bunch of various things. She had more on the Dice Clay pay-per-view event that Joe Buttafuoco was supposed to host. She said that it didn't look like that was going to happen. Howard said that last name, Buttafuoco, reminds him of something else. He said it's like anal sex.

  Howard did his Joey Buttafuoco impression and goofed on him for a short time during the news. He did a few minutes of made up stand-up comedy that Joey could do.

• Andrew Dice Clay Calls In. 06/24/1993. 9:05am
  Robin got back to her news and read through a few more things before Dice called in. Howard asked him if he lied about the whole Joey Buttafuoco thing. Dice said that he didn't lie about this thing at all. He said that they dealt with his entertainment attorney and that's who made the deal. He said he was told that they didn't think it was the right career move for him so that's why he's not going to do it.

  Howard told Dice that he's not the one accusing him of lying. There are people in the news who are saying that he's lying. Dice said that Joey might show up for the event but he's not sure. He said that his lawyers are the ones who are holding him back.

  Dice spent a short time talking about why Joey should do the show. He said that he'd get cheered for once if he showed up to the show. Dice said that as far as he knows the show is still on with Joey. He knows that they're saying that he won't show up but he's hoping he does.

  Howard played an audio clip of Joey's lawyer claiming that Dice needs Joey more than Joey needs Dice. Dice said that he doesn't care if there was a contract of not. He said that he's not the bad guy in the whole thing. Robin said she likes how they call Dice names in the news reports. Meanwhile Joey was the one who had a 16 year old girl shoot his wife in the head.

  Howard and Dice talked about how both of them are the ones who are always called the sleaze bags while murderers and rapists aren't. They spent a few more minutes talking about that stuff before Howard let Dice go.

  Robin got back to her news and went through a bunch of stories before wrapping up her news report. Howard talked about this magazine ''Hawk'' that had some really dirty pictures in it. He said that all of the girls were great looking too and he found it hard to believe that they were so willing to do that stuff. They ended it around 9:30am (Master Tape Theatre time).

• Master Tape Theatre - August 5, 1993. 03/21/10. 3:30pm
  This Master Tape Theatre was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I were hearing it for the first time. The date of this show was kind of in question since they had it listed as August 5, 1993 on the PDT readout on SIRIUS but it was introduced as a show from 1987 by host Sir Harden Thicke. Howard mentioned Don Imus' collapsed lung at the start of the show so I did some checking and found out the lung incident was in August of 1993.

• What's That Smell? 08/05/1993. 3:30pm
  Show opening bits and songs included: Janis Ian performing ''At Seventeen'' live in the Howard Stern Show studio, a David Letterman intro for Howard Stern.

  Howard started the show complaining about the smell in the studio. Howard asked the guys if they smelled it. Robin didn't smell anything. Jackie said it smelled. Fred said he must be immune to it. Howard said it's like medicine in there. He said he wishes his lung was punctured so he could take a month off form work too. He was referring to Don Imus' collapsed lung.

  Howard said there's always a new smell in that studio every morning. He kept sniffing hard and complaining about the smell. Howard said it has to be bad for you working in that studio taking in the smells. He said they don't have a window or any ventilation in there. He said he wanted to puke from the smell. He asked Robin if she was clogged up with a cold or something and couldn't smell it. Robin said she didn't have a cold.

  Howard said the smell was so strong. He said he wanted to call Allison Steele and ask her what's going on in there at night. He said he leaves after his show and there is no stink. Robin said that's not what Meg would say. Howard said that was only when Kinison was in there.

  Fred said the smell was going away for him but now his throat hurts. Howard said they'll probably have anthrax or lumps on their breasts after this. Jackie said he can kind of smell it but it's not that strong to him. Howard said maybe his ointment and finger cots are keeping him from smelling it. Jackie said he had to stop using the finger cots for a few weeks because the tips of his fingers were rotting away.

• Imus' Collapsed Lung. 08/05/1993. 3:40pm
  After an edited out break Howard came back and said he'd be singing his Imus song this morning. He showed Robin some pictures of Imus in the paper that were pretty funny. He said Imus' belly was hanging out. Imus is saying he's going to be out of work for like a month now.

  Howard said his belly is so big it stretches over two pages. Howard said his face is aging very well. He said he's looking like a woman. Robin said he claims to be 53 but Howard and Gary said there's no way he's that young. They said he has to be in his 60s at least. Howard said he bets his ratings will go up when he's away. He said now you'll be able to listen to that morning show without him on it.

  Howard did his impression of Imus and said he was going to sing his song. Fred had the lyrics for him and he had them in his new computer over there. Howard said people complain about Fred being off mic when he talks to him so he suggested he keep it closer to him.

  Howard said it was a little early to be singing but he'd do it. Fred played the music bed and Howard sang to the tune of ''Every Breath You Take.'' The song was about Imus' collapsed lung. Howard lost his place at one point. Fred had to help him out a little bit.

  Howard said he worked out the song with Fred and he still screwed it up. He asked Fred what the hell happened there.

  Howard took a call from a woman who said that he did that song like Sting. She said that he was very good. Howard asked if she was pleasuring herself while she was on the phone. She said she wasn't and she was just hiding from her radio because she wasn't able to turn it down.

  Howard said that when she sees him on the cover of his book she's going to go crazy. Howard told her about some of the pictures he did and how they're calling the book ''Private Parts'' instead of ''Howard Stern's Penis.'' He wants to be able to get the books in book stores. He said it's not a good time to test out putting a book with that name out there.

  Howard and the caller spent a short time talking. She was telling Howard how great he was and Howard was having a hard time believing that it was real. He said that his parents never praised him so he has a hard time accepting that.

  Howard was saying that he's gotten so thin he can't even see out of his left eye. The caller suggested wheat germ oil or something like that. Howard said he thinks it's all psychological. He said he just needs to rest.

  Howard asked the woman how old she is. She said she's the one who is 50. Howard said ''Okay, goodbye.'' He kept her on the line for a minute and then let her go. Howard said that was another horny 50 year old.

• Gary Bothering Howard With 'Red Alert' Phone Call. 08/05/1993. 3:50pm
  After an edited out break Howard came back and said that they had spoken to the Stone Temple Pilots on the phone yesterday. Gary had told him that they were going to come in and visit today. Gary said that's not the way it went. He said he asked Howard if he wanted them in and he said he did. Howard told Gary that he has to change the way he communicates to him. He said he thinks he says things that he doesn't say. Howard said he hears things one way and Gary says he tells him something else.

  Gary said that he never said that they were coming in today. Howard said that's what he heard. He said that Gary asked if it was okay if they came in today and he said that was cool.

  Howard said Gary told him that they're not coming in today after telling him they were. Gary said he never said they were coming in. Howard told Gary he wants him to repeat after him. Gary said he's not doing it.

  Howard told Gary to say that he is never right. Gary said he's not going to do that. Howard told him to leave then. Howard had Fred do the repeating instead. Fred put something in his mouth and did his impression of Gary repeating after Howard.

  Howard said Gary was giving him a hard time yesterday about something that he could have handled himself. He said that his wife was running through the house yelling ''red alert, red alert'' when Gary called.

  Howard said he had to use a bathroom in the house yesterday and he wasn't able to find one that was private. He said he has bathrooms all over the place and he didn't have a private one to use. He said he had to throw the cleaning woman out of the bathroom upstairs. He said he had Gary on the phone as he was going to the bathroom and Gary told him something that was so not an emergency. Howard said Gary could have handled it himself.

  Howard told Gary that he should handle that kind of stuff himself. Gary said he figured Howard would want to hear about that guest he was calling about. Howard said everyone thinks he wants to hear about everything like that.

  Howard said the thing Gary called about was so stupid. Gary said they can't talk about it on the air. Howard said that it wasn't that important. Gary said that he wasn't the one who said it was a ''red alert.'' Howard said he could have taken care of it himself. Gary said he figured that Howard would be in his office talking to his assistant when he calls.

  Gary told Howard that they had a mystery guest coming in but he ended up cancelling. It turns out it was Rudolph Giuliani. Howard said that he's fine with that. He said he has helped people win with some swing votes and he could help Rudy. Howard said he really doesn't care about that. No one outside of New York would care about a guest like that anyway. Howard said he could have been a good guest but he figured it was a guest like Sharon Stone or someone like that. Howard let Gary go after Fred played a Baba Booey jingle or two.

  Howard talked about how his phone system at home is overrun with his business. He said it's relentless. He said that Gary gets upset that he can't get right through to him.

  Howard said maybe he should install a special phone for him. He said he could have a ''tooth phone'' just for him. Gary asked Howard if he has any idea how much he calls him. Howard said it's like 20 times. Gary said he calls maybe once or twice. Howard said that it has to be more than that. Gary said that most producers and radio talent have a call at least once a day on the phone. Howard said he defies anyone to have just one phone conference a day with Gary.

  Howard said that Gary will bother him if he's in the middle of talking to people. He said he has to do multiple things at once and he can't talk to him all the time. Howard said Gary will sit there while he's talking to someone and not do what he asks him to do. Gary asked if he was getting yelled at for helping him. Howard said he doesn't help him the right way. Gary said that there is no right way with him.

  Howard said there are times that Gary wants to talk to him so he might as well do it when he's in the bathroom. Fred played some fart sounds and pooping sounds while they were talking about that. Gary said that Howard doesn't want him talking to him in the bathroom. Howard said that 9 times out of 10 there is no one else in there so they might as well talk. Gary said that Howard usually ignores him if there's anyone in there.

  Gary said he should be able to talk to Howard about the show but he has to hold back if there are other people in the bathroom. Howard said they can talk about other stuff then.

  Robin said that if Gary gets interrupted in the middle of something, he starts from the beginning. Gary said he's not sure what Howard heard so he has to start over.

  Howard told Gary that Henry Ford was able to work hard and do more than one thing at a time. Howard said he just wants Gary to tell him stuff while he's doing other things. He doesn't have to wait until he's doing nothing. Howard said he doesn't need him droning on about stuff.

  Howard told Gary he has to be able to weed out stuff that he doesn't need to hear. He said that listening to Gary for 10 minutes is tough. Gary said that he was chasing Howard around with pieces of toilet paper on his shoe. Howard said he didn't have anything on his shoe. Fred was playing more clips of farts and Gary grunting saying ''gahh.''

  Howard told Gary to just follow him into the bathroom and fill him in on the important stuff. He said he's really sick of this and no one wants to hear them arguing all morning long. Gary said they do want to hear that though. Howard said he had to take a break after that.

• A Priest Asking For Howard's Help? 08/05/1993. 4:20pm
  After the break Howard asked if they had the priest on the phone. Gary said he was and he can refer to him as Father. Howard said that the guy is trying to sue the pope. Howard tried to get the guy on the phone but the phone dropped the call. Howard told Tom that he should just fix the friggin phone. He said he's been begging for a new phone system and they won't get it for him.

  Howard got the Father on the phone but Robin said he didn't sound like a priest. Howard said they checked him out and he is legit. Robin asked how he became a priest. The guy explained how it worked for him.

  Howard said this guy is upset and he should tell Robin why. The guy told Robin and Howard about how they have covered up abuse in the church and he tried to complain but they covered it up. He said that there have been people using money in the wrong way and doing things sexually that was just wrong. The guy said he was eventually demoted and he was upset about that.

  The Father said he went to complain about people like Father Ritter and he was told to be quiet about it. He said that his first complaint was in 1981 and it was covered up. He said he complained a few other times after that and they were all ignored.

  The Father told Howard about how he thinks that Father Ritter should have been removed much earlier and Covenant House would be doing much better than they are now.

  Howard asked the father how many people he thinks are messing around with young boys. He said that he thinks it's less than Howard thinks but there are people who do that.

  Howard asked if he's ever had sex. The Father said that he did before he became a priest.

  The Father went on to say that he thinks that money is the reason for the cover ups in all of this stuff. Howard said he got this guy's letter and he was looking for his help. He wants to serve a summons on the Pope and he knows it's going to be tough. Howard said the guy is asking for his help serving him. The Father said he has spoken to the Pope before but he's not sure anyone could get close enough to him to serve him.

  Robin asked what priests do with money. The Father said that they use it to buy food and clothing but he thinks that some of them are using it buy sex. The father said that they can't just blame the American Catholic church for all of this either. It happens everywhere as far as he's seen.

  Howard asked the Father if he has ever masturbated. He said that it is a sin but he has done that. Robin said that's a sin and so is molesting young boys so isn't that the same thing. The Father said that it's not the same thing. Howard agreed.

  Howard told the guy that he has never cheated on his wife and he is a good person. The Father said he believes that he is and he thinks he does a good job too. Howard asked if he's ever caught anyone having sex with a young boy. He said he hasn't caught someone but he has found out about some of the things that he has reported on.

  Robin asked the Father if he thinks that priests should be able to get married. He said he does back that up and he has spoken out about that.

  Howard asked the Father if he has sex now. He said that he has dropped his vow of celibacy and he has stopped ''being quiet'' so he'll just put it that way.

  Howard and the Father spent a minute talking about how the papers needed to be served and Howard found out that it might not even work.

  The Father said he loves the church but he doesn't like the way it is being run. He said that he would like to change that. The Father told Howard he thinks that what he's doing is good and he thinks Robin is good as well. He said he believes that if priests were allowed to get married that would stop a lot of these problems.

  Howard asked the Father what his name was. He said it was Terrence German. Howard let him go a short time later.

  Gary told Howard that Jessica Hahn was on the phone. Father German had asked for her help in the whole thing so she called in to ask what that was about. She missed the discussion. Howard filled Jessica in on what was going on. Jessica told Howard that she has been calling to find out how everyone is doing but she doesn't come on the air. She said that she tells Gary to say hi but he apparently wasn't doing that.

  Howard asked Jessica about her boyfriend and if that's out in the open now. Jessica said it is. She said that this guy keeps her happy.

  Jessica said she can't wait for his book to come out. Howard said he looks like a god on the cover of the book. He said he thinks it'll be out at the end of September. He said that they're still on target for that.

  Howard asked Jessica what was up with her. She said her video is still doing good. Howard asked if she had seen a check from Playboy yet. Jessica said she hadn't. Howard told her that she had the worst contract ever. He said she needs to get an agent.

  Howard said he read Jessica's contract and it was laughable. Jessica said she got some money up front so she thinks she did okay. She said she doesn't know how many videos they sold though so she's not sure what they owe her.

  Howard asked Jessica how the boyfriend is treating her. She said he's great. She said his name is Ron and he was the creator of Married with Children. Howard said she must do everything for him. She said she does. Howard said Jessica even did stuff with him and he wasn't even dating her.

  Howard told Jessica that Malika is dating Gary Busey. Howard said he thinks that Jessica should try to steal him away from her. Jessica said she has no interest in Gary Busey. Howard and Jessica talked about Sam Kinison a little bit since Jessica dated Sam and then Malika got him. Howard said Jessica should be trying to steal that guy away from her.

  Howard told Jessica she should let him produce her next video. Then she'll really have no control. Howard said he had to take a break after that so he wrapped up with Jessica. He asked her if she was naked. She said she was. Howard let her go and went to break.

• Laura Calls In About Gary. 08/05/1993. 4:45pm
  After an edited out break Howard came back and said he should try to sing his Imus song again. He read some faxes before doing that. He read a few that he got about Jessica. He had a bunch of joke faxes about her that he quickly went through.

  Stuttering John came in and asked if he wanted to talk to his assistant Laura. Howard said he thought that had passed but he got her on the phone anyway. Laura told Howard that every time Gary calls it's so important that he can't even tell her what it's about. She said he has to have Howard on the phone.

  Howard said Laura is his assistant and she's the one who should be taking down the information and passing along the information. Laura said that Gary made it sound very important so that's why she said it was a red alert. Gary said that he felt it was very important at the time but he may have been very excited about it.

  Laura said that Howard is never sitting there telling her that he doesn't want to talk. Howard thanked Laura for calling in and backing him up on that. Gary said that she didn't back him up on anything other than the fact that he doesn't leave messages.

• Howard Sings His Imus Song Parody Again. 08/05/1993. 4:50pm
  Howard kicked Gary out of the studio and said he had to play his Imus song again. Howard played the tape for the music bed and tried it out again. Howard bad mouthed Imus for a few minutes before getting to the song. He was talking about how old and womanly he's looking these days. Howard went into the song after that. Fred got in on that one doing his impression of Imus.

  Howard said he thinks that version of the song was good enough that they don't have to record it off the air. Robin said they might want to work on it a little more.

• Rodney King Juror Calls In. 08/05/1993. 4:55pm
  Howard said he had a guy on the phone who was on the Rodney King trial jury. Howard spoke to that guy and asked how he could have found the cops guilty. Howard asked the guy if he's a listener of his. The guy said that he was. Howard asked him how he could have found the cops guilty if he knows how he feels about the case. Howard said that the cops have to deal with a lot of crap and this guy was going over 100 miles per hour. The caller said he was over 115 at one point. The caller said he was even legally drunk the day after they arrested him so he was driving drunk for sure.

  Howard asked the caller if he knows that this guy could have run over people. The caller said he knows about all of that. Howard said he was trying to build a case here. He went on to ask the guy how he could have found the cops guilty in this case after knowing all of this stuff. Howard said that this guy needed a smacking like no one else. He said the beating wasn't good enough. Howard asked how anyone could find in favor of Rodney King in this case. Robin wanted to make a point but Howard cut her off saying he was still trying to make a case himself.

  The juror said that this isn't a police state we live in. Robin thanked the guy for that. Howard said that America is turning into a mess because the cops can't do anything anymore so they're just letting stuff happen. Howard said it's right to beat people like this. Robin said it's not right.

  The juror said that they had guidelines to follow and they had to prove stuff to them that they didn't. Howard said he thinks that he was influenced by the riots and he was scared out of his mind.

  The juror told Howard what they had to prove to them. He said that they broke a constitutional right too so they were wrong in what they did. Robin agreed. The juror said that they didn't handcuff Rodney when he was tazed the first time. Howard said the guy was a dog and that's the way he should have been treated. He said that he was like a dog and he should have been treated that way.

  Howard said if he was a cop he would tazer him over and over again if he kept getting up. He said they should have found those guys innocent. The juror said they found two of them innocent. Howard said he can't wait for them to come to their senses so the cops can get back to their work.

  Howard said that the juror had the chance to find them innocent and he blew it. Robin said that would have meant that they already knew how the case was going to go when they got there. Robin said they had to hear the case before deciding on that.

  Howard asked the juror what he does for a living. The guy said he's a construction worker. He used to be a jeweler.

  The juror told Howard and Robin about some of the stuff that was going on during the case. Howard was saying he still thinks that the guy deserved to be tazered the way he was. He let the juror go a short time later and said he had to take a break.

• Bill Maher Calls In. 08/05/1993. 5:20pm
  After the break Howard came back and said they were eating Fajitas in there. Howard said they were good. Gary told Howard they had Bill Maher on the phone. Howard picked up on him and said that he has to be his jester. Gary said they don't have the radio show on hold so he wasn't hearing what they were talking about.

  Howard said that Bill has a show called ''Politically Incorrect'' now. Howard said Bill is taking credit for creating the show but he knows he got the idea from listening to his show. Bill said he's really not a radio morning guy so he doesn't listen. Bill said he didn't get it from listening. Bill said his show is nothing like what Howard and Robin do with the news where they goof on it.

  Howard said he had a meeting a few years ago with the people at Comedy Central and they asked him to do a show like that. He said they didn't want to pay him to do the show. Bill said other people have tried to do this show but it never worked. He said that they have five guys sitting around making jokes but they don't mix it up enough.

  Bill said he had bone to pick with Robin too. She was saying some stuff about him that he didn't appreciate. Robin was saying she did the show to do him a favor. Bill wondered why she'd say that and went off on her for a minute. Robin was saying that he's doing fine with the show and he doesn't need her approval.

  Howard said he's still saying that the show is his idea because he had a meeting with them over there about it. He said it might not be the way Bill is doing it but the show idea came from his idea. Bill said that no one has done a show like this so it's not the same thing.

  Bill was going off on Howard about that and how in love he seems to be with Robin. Howard said he liked that Robin worked with Bill and that it didn't work out so well. He said he knows that Robin is at her best on his show and Bill helped him prove that.

  Howard said Robin will never go on other shows without him. Bill said she'll never be on his show again if she's going to slam him. Bill said he had a transcript of what she said and he knows exactly what it was. Howard said he likes Bill and he's not sure why he's so upset about this.

  Howard said he knows what it's like to have a network show and then you lose it and end up on Comedy Central. Bill said this show is much better than any other show he's done.

  Howard told Bill that what he and Robin do on the air is goof on the news and this is what Bill's show is kind of like. Howard said that some of the stuff he talks about is kind of boring. Bill said that's because what they do might not be shocking and titillating.

  Howard said he just wants a little credit for coming up with the show idea. He said he'd like a fruit basket from Bill. Bill said that Howard claims credit for everything and he thinks he's been ripped off for everything. Howard said he only takes credit for what he has done. Bill said that Howard has taken credit for what Magellan stole from him. Howard said he just developed Bill's show.

  Bill asked Howard why he can't translate to TV. Howard said he has and he's number one on E!. Bill didn't seem impressed.

  Howard said he had a meeting with them 6 years ago about that show. Bill said they weren't even in existence yet. Howard said they were starting out as 'The Comedy Channel' when he had that meeting. He told Bill not to be upset about it because he's doing fine and they dig him. Bill asked him to come on the show then. Howard said he can't, he's too busy.

  Howard said he liked Bill's father too and he was like the only guy there who wasn't a toad. Bill agreed with him on that. Howard said he heard that Bill recently lost his father and he was sorry about that.

  Howard asked Bill if he saw him on the Tonight Show. Bill hadn't seen it. Howard told him it might be the best appearance on the show ever. Bill said he knows he was the hottest ticket there.

  Howard wrapped up with Bill after talking about his Fartman movie for a minute. Bill said he's going back to bed. Howard told Bill about the way Robin came back and said she loves working with him and how much fun she has there.

  Howard asked Bill who he thinks is going to win between Leno and Letterman. Bill said he's really not sure. Bill said he was on Leno recently and he had a long talk with him. Howard said he can't believe he can't give him an opinion on this. He let Bill go a short time later.

• Howard Reads A Letter From Melrose Larry Green. 08/05/1993. 5:40pm
  After an edited out break Howard came back and said Melrose Larry Green was there in the city. He's usually out in California doing that. Howard said he got a note from Melrose so he read that to Robin. Melrose was telling Howard how much he loves the show and respects everyone there. Melrose was saying that he has boosted his ''career.'' Howard said his career is standing on the road with signs.

  Melrose was telling Howard what he aspires to do and he wants to be like Howard. Howard said Melrose was saying that he's not a mental case and how he wants to go out and get a wife some day. Howard said he loves when people say they want to get a wife but they don't just go out and do it.

  Howard said Melrose was telling him that he will do anything for him and he can call him at any time to ask for a favor. Howard wondered if he would go out and kill some people for him.

  Howard read the rest of the letter and then Gary came in and said he and Larry had a blow up a few months ago. Gary said that Larry wanted to be on the show as a regular and he was yelling at him for not putting him through on the phone like he does with other people. Gary said he called back a few days later and apologized for going off on him.

  Howard read some more of the letter and Larry was saying that he thinks of the show as family and a reason to exist. Gary said that he's outside of the building this morning. He said he could bring him up. Howard said he might have to do that.

  Howard said Larry has been there all week standing out in front of the building and sending them letters. Howard said he used to say that this show is like flypaper for the walking wounded. He said that might be an understatement.

• Robin's News. 08/05/1993. 5:45pm
  Howard had Robin get to some news. Robin said she was going to bring up the Rodney King case but they had already argued about that. Robin said she wanted to bring out the facts about that. Howard asked who wants facts. Robin said there are people who send her faxes. Robin said that she does the facts and Howard does the comedy.

  Robin moved on to give the details of the Rodney King case. She mentioned Stacy Coon which led to Howard making some jokes about his last name. Robin had some audio clips that she had Howard play.

  Howard ended up getting sidetracked when he brought up the FCC fines that they have against them. He read a list of people who have been fined for things they've done that were much worse than him talking about breasts. He said they're being fined $600,000 and one guy was only fined $1,000 for possession of automatic weapons and 5 silencers.

  Robin read some more news about the Rodney King case and how they may appeal the case. Howard played some more audio of some people talking about that. Robin had a bunch of clips about the case and had Howard play through those.

  Gary came in and told Howard they had a caller on the line who said that Robin doesn't get the big picture. Howard picked up on that person but the phone wasn't working. Howard said he gives up. He's been working the phones for 10 years and he still can't figure it out.

• Melrose Larry Green Visits. 08/05/1993. 5:55pm
  After an edited out break Howard said that Melrose Larry Green had run over from his hotel room. Larry was in the studio laughing like a maniac.

  Gary told Howard about how Larry was telling him he was in therapy and he was getting better but now he's laughing like a maniac. Larry said that's just the way he laughs.

  Howard asked Larry where he's going to be standing out on the street. He was going to be out on 57th where all of the traffic can see him.

  Howard said he thought it was kind of pathetic when he read his letter about his father dying. Larry said he died of cancer and they all hope that Imus dies of the same thing. Larry laughed like he had just cracked everyone up but no one was laughing.

  Larry said he wants to be Howard's L.A. connection and he wants to help them book guests and stuff. Howard told the cops out in L.A. to cuff this guy when he gets back there.

  Larry told Howard that this is the greatest moment of his life and he will do anything he wants. He said he will never appear on any other morning show ever again. He said Howard Stern is the king of media and he's done with the rest of those shows. Howard thanked Larry for coming in and told him to go back home to Los Angeles.

  Howard asked Robin if there was anything else they wanted to talk to him about before he left. They talked about the letter they got from Larry and how it appeared to have been written by a kook. Howard said he was saying a lot of wacky stuff in that letter.

  Howard let Larry ramble on for a couple of minutes since he was kissing his ass. Howard told him to calm down with that stuff. Larry told him to stay at his place whenever he comes to L.A.

  Gary said Larry helped him out the other morning when he didn't have money for the cab. He borrowed a $5 bill from him and said he'd pay him back. Larry was offering to give him a 10 or a 20 and that he didn't have to pay him back.

  Howard asked Larry to leave again but he ended up getting caught up in another one of his stories. Howard let him go after that. Larry was asking how his spot went. Howard said he was fine. He said he knows he'll be asking people how he was on the show all day long.

• More News With Robin. 08/05/1993. 6:05pm
  Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read about Dr. Kervorkian helping a patient commit suicide. She had some audio of Dr. Kervorkian talking about that. Robin said that he's trying to figure out ways to get around being charged with helping out with these suicides. Howard said maybe his wife can get him in line and stop him from killing people. Howard did a woman's voice and thought about what she might say to him. They had to go to break a short time later.

  After the break Robin read some more news. She had a story about a surrogate mother who gave birth to another woman's baby and was supposed to get paid $25,000 to do that. Robin read about how the guy had actually had sex with her to conceive the child. Robin read the details of the relationship and how this woman doesn't want to give up the child. She wants to keep it. Howard said he thinks the mother should be able to keep it. He said that will discourage people from doing this surrogate nonsense.

  Robin read a story about Rudy Giuliani talking about doing away with all parole. She said that's an interesting tact to take. She said that he's running for Mayor so that won't work on a state level.

  Robin read a story about a sex scandal in Philadelphia. She said it involves an attorney who had promised to help with this woman's career and when they broke up he got her fired.

  Robin read a story about a man who was about to be released from a mental hospital. She read about what this guy had done and how nutty he sounded. He was put in the hospital and he wasn't supposed to get out until he was fully cured. They're trying to release him and they think he might be cured. Robin wondered if he was cured or if he was on medication.

  Robin read a story about a 9 year old girl who disappeared in the Bronx. She went into a store and never came out. Robin read about that and Howard said it was probably someone who was let out on parole who took her.

  Robin read about a man who lost his penis. His name was John Wayne Bobbit. Robin said that Bobbit was arrested on sexual assault charges. Robin reminded Howard about what had happened to this guy and how his wife had cut off his penis and threw it out the window of her car. Howard said he doesn't believe it. He said that the odds of finding a penis is really low. He said there's something weird about that case. Robin read that they had reattached the penis. Robin said the wife claims that she was assaulted so the cops did some tests and have now arrested Bobbit for assaulting her before she cut his penis off.

  Robin read some news about Bobbit's medical condition. She said that the catheter has been removed and he's operating normally now. Robin said they were also able to test his penis for sensation and it worked. Howard said he thought he had problems when he put a rubber on.

  Robin read that two DJs got in trouble for making a slur during a show. They had called a black woman the N-word during her phone call to their show. They had to go on the air and apologize to the person and to the city they were broadcasting in.

  Robin read about Chevy Chase being the new spokesperson for Doritos chips. Howard said they must have lost their minds over there at Doritos. Howard said that Jay Leno used to be the spokesperson and now they're using Chevy. Robin said they say that his ''hip and irreverent style'' will help them out. Howard laughed when he heard that.

  Robin read about how people in the Mid-West were thanking the rest of the country for helping them out with their flooding problems. Robin had some audio of that.

  Robin read a story about Dallas Green getting into trouble for something he said about his constant losing. He had said he goes home to beat the hell out of his wife when he looses. Now there are women's groups coming out and complaining about that. Robin had some audio of some women going off on the guy about his comments.

  Robin read a story about Wesley Snipes getting arrested for carrying a weapon while riding his motorcycle. He didn't have a permit to carry in California but he did have one in Florida. Howard said they should put him away for a couple of years. He said that Harry Connick Jr. did something similar. He said he's all for putting people in jail for carrying without a permit. Howard said it's fine if he does carry one if he has a permit.

  Robin read about actor Bernhard Barrow dying. She ran down some of the TV shows and movies he had been in. Robin fished up her news and mentioned that the Seinfeld episode that's on that night sounds interesting. That led to Howard talking about how Jerry never calls them anymore. Howard said Jerry is upset about them making fun of his dating a young girl. They wrapped up and ended the show a short time later.

• Master Tape Theatre - August 9, 1993. 10/19/07. 6:00am
  Today's Howard Stern Master Tape Theatre was from August 9, 1993. This was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I were hearing it for the first time today.

• Robin's Birthday Gifts. 08/09/1993. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Howard singing ''Watching You Decay'' song parody about Imus, a David Letterman intro for Howard.

  Howard started off the show asking for Gary to help him out and called him an imbecile when he asked him. Howard asked Robin if she wanted her birthday gift now or not. He said he hates giving her gifts because he never knows if it's going to be good enough. Howard asked her how old she is and she let him know that she's 41 now. Howard said he's still in his 30's and he's going into a depression over it. He said people tell him that he looks good for his age but that does him no good at this point.

  Howard asked the guys if they got her a gift. Fred spoke up and said he did. Jackie didn't get her anything. Howard said he's a weird guy like that and he's really not part of the show when it comes to that stuff. Howard had Gary come in with the gift that he'd brought in. He said they decided to go with some apparel for Robin. Howard said that he and his wife thought a lot about this gift and she may go off on him about it. She said that she went off on him just one time and he'll never forget that.

  Robin opened up the card that he'd gotten her, read that, and then opened up her gift. Robin said the gift was from Sach's 5th Avenue. She said the price didn't matter to her. She then said that there were some terry cloth slippers in the package. She then found a Notori(?) pajama set which was something that she's always wanted. Howard told her those were pajamas she can masturbate in.

  Howard told Fred he was up with his gift. Fred went over to Robin and gave her his gift. Robin was trying to figure out what it was though. Fred told her not to touch it with her fingers. They were sunglasses that Robin can use when she's out in the park trying to disguise herself from people. They were Oakley sunglasses that weren't cheap according to Fred. Howard said he's never seen glasses like that. Fred said they were over $100. Robin said she's not sure if she'll look good in them but she'll check it out and maybe keep them. Gary got for Robin what she got for him, nothing.

• Howard To Shoot ''The Larry Sanders Show'' On Friday. 08/09/1993. 6:10am
  Howard said that he's flying out to California on Friday to do the Garry Shandling show so he won't be in. He said that everyone had off except for Gary who has some work to do. He said that they've written him into ''The Larry Sanders Show'' with Garry Shandling. They shoot the show on a Friday so he's got to take the day off. He said they shoot part of the show in front of an audience and the rest of the stuff is on a sound stage. He has to be there to do his part during the day on Friday.

  Howard said that he's going to go out and do his scenes that aren't in front of the audience. He said that he'd be willing to do whatever they want him to do even if it were in front of the live audience. Howard said he had some ideas for the part and threw them out there for the writers to consider. He said he wouldn't mind doing a love scene with the girlfriend on the show.

  Howard said he thinks it'll be fun to do even though he wasn't so sure about that at first. Robin said she thought it was a great thing from the first time she heard it. Howard said that they weren't going to pay him to do it so he figured he didn't want to do it. He won't even have a script until Wednesday, just two days before he has to shoot. He said his part will just be a cameo. He's not going to be in any major part or anything.

  Howard said he hopes that they don't give him a bad part to play. He said he'd like to play a real a-hole or something and push people around back stage. Either that or he comes on and everyone likes him. He threw out a few more ideas for what he could do on the show and said that he'll be there for the day so it shouldn't be a problem if they want to give him a bigger part. He said he's more than happy to do the cameo though.

  Howard said he's never been on a professional set before so it'll be interesting to see what happens behind the scenes. He told Robin and the guys that they have off on Friday because of that.

• Howard's Book Still In The Works. 08/09/1993. 6:20am
  Howard said he's still working on his book and it's really hard. He said he was writing some acknowledgements for people and now the book people are telling him that they weren't nice enough. He's thinking about removing them completely. He said he doesn't even like that page in the book because he has to be nice to people.

  Gary came in and said that it's really nice to do those things because they did that on the Crucified by the FCC CDs. Howard thanked him and Kevin Renzulli the newsletter guy. Gary said he worked really hard on that and still got bummed out for some reason.

  Howard said that he's just going to take out all of the acknowledgements from the book. He said he could leave them in but he knows he'll hear that he could have been nicer. He said he only had one line about Gary but that was just to keep things short and not too drawn out.

  Howard said that he was talking to the editor about that stuff and she told him that they weren't big enough so that's why he's just taking it out. He said that he mentioned some names in there and he didn't even have to do it.

• Ashley's First Words, Howard Takes Phone Calls. 08/09/1993. 6:25am
  Fred played some music for a few seconds and both Howard and Robin said it reminded them of the Beavis and Butt-Head ''Moron-a-thon'' that was on MTV over the weekend. Howard said that show is really good and he enjoyed that special.

  Howard said his 6 month old daughter said her first word over the weekend. He joked that she said ''Jackie'' as her first word. He said that he didn't make too much of a big deal out of it though. He said that his father always made him feel like a moron. He said he didn't go too overboard with her, he just bought her a car after saying her first word.

  Howard said that these kids are born into perfection and then they start teething and they have to go through all of this pain. Robin said that her whole life is going to be painful, that's what life is.

  Howard took some phone calls and had to go through some people who had nothing to say. One guy asked about the delay time out there in California and why it's 3 minutes long. Howard told him that it's 70 seconds, not 3 minutes. Howard had to hang up on him. He went through a few more calls before finding someone to talk to. One guy said that Patty Smythe said some stuff about Howard in an interview recently. He explained what she said and how she enjoys being on his show. Howard said that guy seemed to be very nervous but he can't goof on him because he was like that through all of high school. He ended up goofing on the guy anyway.

  Howard said he really hated high school and it's all coming back to him now that he's writing this book. He said that he's going through the same misery he always goes through with this book.

  Howard asked if he should pass wind on the microphone or not. Jackie said he'd prefer it so Howard went right ahead and let a little one out. He then said that he was out walking with his 7 year old over the weekend and he farted. She asked him if he had farted so he told her that it was his gift to her. She didn't understand what he was talking about so he told her that he was thinking about her birthday and that's what he came up with. He said that it's very special gas and it made her laugh really hard.

  Howard said he'd tell Jackie the same thing and tell him that he's going to get him a box of vomit for his birthday or something like that. He went through a few more phone calls after that. One guy said that the guy who plays the announcer dude on the Garry Shandling show is a Scientologist. Howard said he's not sure he can goof on his fellow actor. He said that the Scientology thing is kind of goofy though. The caller said that he's a Scientologist himself so Howard ended up asking him how he can believe in that stuff. The guy said that it's more of a philosophy than a religion. He said that it's all about believing that you can help yourself.

  Howard talked to the caller and said that he might have to try and get him out of this brain washing. The caller doesn't think he was brainwashed. He said that he was born into it so it wasn't something that someone talked him into. He said that it was his choice to go with it even though he was born into it.

  Howard talked to the guy about the E-meter that Scientologists use to pick up the electrical flows that you have running through your body. Robin said it's like a lie detector test. The caller said it could be considered that with some people. They talked to the caller about all of that stuff for a few minutes and Howard told him that he'd be lucky if he was swept up by some other cult. He said that he's already primed and pumped for that kind of stuff. He said that he doesn't have any kind of mental freedom.

  The caller asked Howard if he's going to a psychiatrist. Howard said he's going to start next week. The caller said that if he's going to try that, why not try Scientology. Howard said he doesn't want to pray to L. Ron Hubbard so he won't be trying it. The caller thinks that it could help Howard but he really doesn't want anything to do with it. Howard said that Psychiatry is fine with him.

  Howard said he'd like to have this guy in so he can try to deprogram him. The caller asked if he wanted him to stop by sometime but Howard kind of blew him off and went to break a short time later.

• Whacked Out Celebrity Discussions. 08/09/1993. 6:55am
  After the break Howard said that Robin just gave him a copy of Star Magazine and they have a story about Kathie Lee Gifford and her kids in there. Howard said that she's all decked out and he now thinks that she's what's wrong with show business. He said that she's all about everything phony in show business. He said she's a celebrity for what? Just being her.

  He went on to read the article about Kathie Lee and how she's planning on raising her daughter. That led to the guys talking about how Kathie Lee's kids will probably grow up to be really bitter like the kid who played Dennis the Menace in the old TV show. They were talking about a kid that the character was actually based on and how they should get him on the show.

  Gary brought in a story about Jay North, the guy who played Dennis the Menace, and Howard read through that. Howard also said that the Olsen Twins look like they're going to grow up to be heinous looking. He said that they look like they might end up looking like the Mole Men on the old Superman shows. He explained who those Mole Men were and how they were able to hurt Superman with this vacuum cleaner that they came out with. Howard said that it was the first time that he'd ever seen Superman defeated by anything but Kryptonite. He said that was some show back then. Howard said that it's no wonder George Reeves jumped out a window.

  Howard said that George Reeves had bigger breasts than Jessica Hahn. His belly was always hanging over his belt too. The guys talked about that guy Jay North a little bit too. Howard said that Jay's hair used to look nice when he was a kid and now it's a mess. He read that Jay wants to give some payback to people he knew years ago. That led to him talking about how he'd like to give some payback himself. He said his mother would tell him to never think like that when he was younger though.

  Howard mentioned Imus' name in that payback thing and ended up talking about him for a short time. He talked about what a mess he was back at the time NBC brought him in to work there. He said that he was brought in to help sober Imus up back then because he was so into coke. Howard claims that once he started there, Imus stopped using coke and hadn't used it since then as far as he knew.

  Howard got back to the Kathie Lee story and read through more of that. He pointed out that in her picture she's got her mouth open like the phony that she is. He said that he'd like to stick something in that mouth though. Howard ended up doing his Satan impression and said that Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford probably made a pact with the devil to get all of this fame.

  Howard read through more of the article about Kathie Lee and her kids. Howard said that the new kid's head looks huge and Kathie Lee's private parts must hurt after giving birth. Robin said she's pretty sure she gave birth via c-section. Howard said that she'll probably end up being mother of the year even though his kids will turn out better than her's. He said that he's better adjusted than she is and he'll go to a psychiatrist to prove it. He had to go to break a short time later.

• Jackie's Phone Calls After The Show. 08/09/1993. 7:25am
  Howard came back from break and said that Gary had a plot line for him to use on the Garry Shandling show. He had him come in after giving Jackie some plugs for some shows he had coming up. He ended up doing an impression of Jackie talking about how great his shows go when he does stuff in other areas. Howard said he goes past Jackie's little room there where he does his business and hears him telling Nancy what to give to people.

  Gary said that he heard a great line when he walked past the other day. He said that he heard Jackie telling someone not to get used to the price he was getting for something he was ordering. Howard said that Stuttering John hears stuff that Jackie talks about so he asked him to come in too.

  Howard said that Jackie is always talking business with people in that room. He said that they're always making deals and stuff. Gary told Howard that John was in the bathroom again. He said he must be sick today and he's been in there a few times this morning already.

• Howard Shaving His Butt Hair. 08/09/1993. 7:30am
  Howard said that he's been shaving his buttocks lately and he feels so free now that he doesn't have hair back there. Gary said he doesn't get that because the stuff that gets caught is pretty deep down. Howard explained how he has an electric buzzer to shave the hair down there. He said he puts a towel down to do this. He hates body hair and even clips down his underarm hair. Gary doesn't do that and said that he just puts his deodorant over the hair. Fred and Jackie don't have to shave down so much because they're not all that hairy.

  Howard explained how he puts a towel down on the floor, puts one leg up on the counter and spreads so he can get to the hair down there. He said that they're pretty course hairs too and they've literally been dumped on before. He said that he used to have a mess down there when he had hair down there. Now he's so clean and neat back there. It's a straight shot and nothing lingers back there. He said that he gets aroused during the process too. He said that he finds himself doing it at least once a week.

  Howard said there's nothing wrong with doing that stuff even if people think it's kind of gay. He makes sure that he locks both the bathroom door and his bedroom door to make sure the kids don't walk in on him shaving his butt hair.

• Stuttering John Sick After Weekend Of Drinking. 08/09/1993. 7:35am
  Howard asked where Stuttering John was. Gary figured he was still in the bathroom but John came walking in a short time later. He said that he was in pain and he must have ''ate a lot of liquids.'' He said he drank over the weekend when he went to a wedding and that's what was coming out of him. Howard told him he looked bad too. He said that John looks like he's still on the bowl and looked like he was really out of it. He looked like he was going to puke so Howard told Gary to breathe on him.

  Tom Chiusano came in and tried to change the subject by bringing up his son. Howard said that he must be out of his mind. He was trying to get Howard off of that stuff. (There was an edited out commercial break at this time.)

  Howard said that it's a nightmare working there and he shouldn't have come in today. He went on to ask John more about this bathroom thing and said he can't believe that Tom came in and tried to change the subject. He said that these people who don't work for a living have no idea what it's like to do a show. He said that he really hates this guy Tom. He said he had to call him to ask for this Friday off and he was puking while he was talking to him.

  Howard said that someone needs to have a long talk with Tom and tell him to stop with that stuff because he's going to leave if he doesn't knock it off. He went off on Tom goofing on him for a few minutes. He said that if he left the station today, the station would still run the same as it does. He said that it's a complete waste of money to have a General Manager there. Howard said that Tom is the ashtray in a car, you can remove it and it still runs the same.

  Howard asked John where he went drinking this weekend. john explained how he was out with his girlfriend and he was doing some stuff with her. He had to meet her grandparents over the weekend so Howard asked him if they were laughing at him. John said that he hopes not. He was all made up nice in a tux and with his hair slicked back. John said that they were trying to get him to cut his hair before the wedding because her family doesn't like that he has long hair. Howard told him it might be time to break up with her if that's the way things are.

  John said that he's not allowed in his girlfriend's parents house unless he puts his hair in a pony tail. Howard said he kind of digs the look but he guesses that he'd be kind of upset if he saw someone like John dating his daughter. He said he wouldn't allow his kids to have guys over to the house.

  John was talking about how he's going to have a problem if he marries this chick because she's Jewish and he's catholic. He said that he just wants to have the kid baptized and then let her raise it Jewish if she wants. Howard said that this is how brainwashed people are, they want to have their kids baptized thinking that it's going to help them get into this heaven thing when they die. John said that the church puts that fear into you when you're young and you can't get over it.

  John said that he's in a little bit of pain after taking that dump earlier. Howard said that's why he won't drink, he doesn't want to deal with stuff like that. John told him that the bathroom definitely stinks back there. He said he's heard that the girl's bathroom stinks sometimes too so it's not just the guys who do that. Robin agreed with that and said she's not sure who does that.

  Gary said that there's a guy there that goes about 8 times a day and he's always in there. Howard said he knows who that is, he used to carry an air freshener in a holster. John said that his hair is so long that he has to be careful sitting on the toilet because they can dip down in.

  Gary said that John has been out house hunting with Karen. Howard was surprised to hear that and asked how he has so much money. John had a record deal and got some money from that. He also claims that he made some good investments. john said he's planning on putting down 40 percent on a house. Howard said that makes no sense and he should have a bigger mortgage instead. John didn't want to talk about it on the air and said that he'd rather tell him off the air. He doesn't want to have a ton of debt if he does buy a house so he'd rather pay it off up front.

  John talked about how his girlfriend refuses to shop at JC Penny and will only go to Macy's. Robin said that she's heard that she will throw stuff back at him if he doesn't give her something expensive enough. Howard told John he was nuts for wanting to get married so young. John said that he's gotten it out of his system already so he's ready to get married. Howard told him he's going to regret it because in 20 years he's going to wonder why he got married and didn't keep banging chicks. He told John that the reason he's going to go to the shrink is because of that kind of stuff.

  John said that he wants to have kids too so that's why he'd like to get married. Robin said that John is going to be a father and that's nuts. John said he thinks he'd be a good parent. Howard laughed when he heard that.

  Howard said he had to go to break but Gary hadn't given him his show idea for the Garry Shandling show. Gary said that he had this idea for them to try and figure out how to control him on the show but Howard ends up going nuts and ruining the show. Howard said that's kind of what he was thinking but in a different way. Howard said that he'd like to see the part so he can run his lines with the guys. He had to go to break a short time later.

• More On Jackie's Business Discussions. 08/09/1993. 8:10am
  Howard came back from break and talked to Robin about Jackie again. They talked about him going back to Jackie's little office that's actually the jock lounge. Jackie takes over and does business from the lounge after the show. Stuttering John was in the studio to talk about that because he gets to see a lot of those business dealings he has back there. He told Howard about some of the stuff he's heard Jackie telling people when he's on the phone there. He said he's heard Jackie telling people he'll try to give them plugs and talking about the stuff he has to lug around with him when he goes out on the road.

  John said he's tried to tape Jackie a couple of times but he always finds it and shuts it off. John, Howard and Robin were all doing impressions of Jackie talking to people about this stuff. Jackie said that he's heard people complain about John tying up the phones talking about stocks during the show. He said that he talks for 5 minutes in the jock lounge while John spends hours and hours on the phone with stockbrokers. Robin said she's heard that as well.

  Gary came in and said that the 10-11 o'clock hour has become the John hour back in the office. He said he found out that every morning Grillo parks John's car for him. Grillo used to get paid to park the car but one day he forgot about it and the car ended up getting towed. That cost John $150 so he stopped paying Grillo and started knocking a $1.50 off for each day he parked it. John said he told Grillo that he'd knock the whole amount off if Grillo just washed the car one day.

  Howard told John to get out of there, he'd been in there too long. John said he was just getting into it and stuck around to say that Jackie will never laugh at anyone else's jokes. He said that he refuses to laugh at any other jokes. Howard kicked him out of the studio after that.

• Penthouse Pet Amy Lynn Calls In. 08/09/1993. 8:15am
  Howard got into a discussion about Larry King's latest news column. Larry just throws out a bunch of one liners. He read through some of the stuff Larry wrote and then Gary told him he had Amy Lynn on the phone.

  Howard said that Amy was nice enough to come out and do some pictures with him for his book. He said that they did some nude shots and he was rubbing up against her at one point but didn't get aroused. He said that she's one of the most beautiful girls he's ever seen.

  Amy was saying that Howard was looking really good there and it looks like he's lost a lot of weight. Howard said that Amy dated Ed Begley Jr. for a while so he's pretty sure he could get her. He said that she was running around in a thong talking about what a great husband he'd make. He said it's very difficult for him when he hears stuff like that.

  Howard talked about some of the stuff that he and Amy have talked about and he figures that she'd be with another woman for him if he were her husband. He said that she'd probably rather be in bed with a Fabio type or something but he'd really work hard to make her feel good. He said he told her that she could get any guy she wants but she doesn't want a doctor, she wants a really high profile guy. The phones went a little nuts around that time and Howard had to have the guys call Amy back.

  Howard said that Amy was running around during that photo shoot and he was in pain just looking at her. He said he just can't help it. Gary tried to get Amy back on the line but they used the same phone line so they had to do it again. They had her back on but the sound was still off so Howard had to try calling her himself. He complained that Tom won't get him a decent phone system.

  Howard eventually got Amy back on the line and was able to hear her. He asked her what she was wearing. She said she was wearing nothing. Howard said that hurts to hear her say that. He said that everything aches when he thinks about her. Howard figures that Amy would fall in love with him. She said that they had fun that day that they hung out so it's possible.

  Howard said he was talking to Amy about this doctor thing and telling her that she could get a guy like that. Amy said that she just wanted a regular guy but then he heard that she went out with Richie Sambora from Bon Jovi. She said she just went to the concert, she didn't go out with him. She said she didn't kiss him or anything like that either. Howard said that if she did go out with him, he'd have sex with her like 900 times and then abandon her.

  Howard gave Amy some plugs for some appearances she was making. She was asking to play a Dial-A-Date on the show next week but he told her he can't do that, she's his. He let her go a short time later.

• Goofing On Larry King Then Robin's News. 08/09/1993. 8:35am
  Howard got back to the Larry King column and said he could do that kind of column no problem. He read through some more of Larry's lame quotes and then started throwing in some of his own lines. He had a bunch of lines of his own. He said that Larry is an amazing man with all of those dopey thoughts running through is head. He goofed on Larry's giant glasses and stuff before having Robin start her news.

  Robin got into her news and brought up a story about some of Bruce Lee's stuff being auctioned off. One of the things was a letter that Bruce wrote to himself where he said he'd be world famous and have 10 million bucks within 10 years. That led to Howard goofing on Fred saying that he got a letter from him where he talks about coming from Mars and how he's going to be the most well known Martian out there.

  Howard had to take a break in the middle of the news. After the break Robin got back to her news and brought up a story about a Bon Jovi concert where they had some trouble with the crowd after they were overcome by the heat. She also talked about the band Pig Vomit that had just gotten a record deal. They were known for winning a song parody contest 8 years ago on Howard's show.

  Robin read through a bunch of other stories. Stuttering john came in at one point and ended up talking about something that happened with his mother. He said that her feet are all f'd up and like hard as rocks. He said that they're all callused and stuff from wearing wooden shoes. She grew up in Denmark and wore wooden shoes. Howard cut john off and had Robin get back to her news a short time later.

  Robin did a story about a hot air balloon that went down after hitting some power lines. That got Howard talking about how nuts those people have to be to go up in those things. Robin wrapped up her news a short time later and Howard ended the show around 9:35am (Master Tape Theatre time).