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Howard started the show talking about how Gary was telling him about the movie ''Hunger Games'' and if you read the book it was much more violent. He said they turned it into a PG movie. He said they made $155 million over the weekend. Howard said Gary liked it. Gary said he did like it but he wishes they had done the real version with the graphic violence. Robin said they were worried about kids not being able to see it.
Howard said that Lions Gate made this one. He said they used to only make shitty movies. Howard said they were a joke and they'd make movies for a couple million and they were all bad. He said it was almost like Toxic Avenger. Howard asked if they're still in business. Gary said he's not sure about that.
Howard read the article about the opening and how it was the best in history for a summer movie. Gary said that the movie is about kids being in a reality show in the future. Howard said he's sure they're happy that they didn't have a John Carter on their hands. Robin said that movie was a flop for Disney.
Howard said that business is like legalized gambling. He said they put a lot of money into that John Carter movie and they didn't make it back. Robin said she's not sure why they'd spend that kind of money on a movie like that.
Howard got Eric on and Eric said that the nickname ''Eric the Midget'' is wrong. Robin said they don't call him that anymore. Howard said he did it just to irk him when he picked up on him. Eric said his body isn't the definition of a midget. Howard said he'll go to Eric the Extra if he's sick of midget. Eric said he doesn't have stubby arms and legs like they say a midget has. Howard said that he does have that. Eric said he does not.
Howard said that it's so weird that it's important to Eric. Howard said maybe he'll call him Eric the Medically Proportionate Dwarf. Robin didn't want to go with that one.
Eric said he donated $100 to the North Shore Animal League from the app sales money. Howard said that's a very nice thing to do. Howard said he'll let Beth know about that.
Howard asked Eric if he has a pet. Eric said he would like to have one. Eric said he'd like to have one that could move from house to house but he knows he can't do that. Howard said a cat might be better for him. Eric said he can't have a cat because someone is allergic. Robin said she knows a guy who takes a dog to a hospital to help kids. She said Eric could do something like that. Howard said he could have the dogs pulling his wheelchair like a sled. Howard said he'd end up going like 80 miles per hour in a sled. Howard said Eric should get a guinea pig or a fish or something. Howard said you don't relate to a fish.
Howard said he has the audio of Eric's performance on ''In Plain Sight.'' He said it's about a total of under a minute. He said he's very impactful when you see him on screen though. Howard asked if he was happy about the camera angels and all of that. Eric said he was. Robin asked if he was happy with the way he looked. Howard said he thinks he looked good for Eric. Howard said they did powder him down but it wasn't too much make up. He said he was pretty au natural.
Howard played the audio of Eric's performance on the show. Eric had a few lines. Howard said he wasn't able to sit through the whole show. He said he fast forwarded right to Eric's part. Howard said Eric played the part of a landlord who was married to a hot black woman. Eric said she wasn't black. Howard said he's not sure why he thought she was. JD corrected him and said that the black woman was the agent at the house. Eric thanked JD for the correction.
Howard played the clip and Eric talks to the agent about the apartment she's there to get into. Robin said that they have to write a whole show for Eric. Howard asked Robin if Eric is the worst or what. He and Fred started doing their impressions of him and said there is no voice inflection at all. Howard said he has to hear that part again. He said Eric really is the best. Howard replayed the clip and laughed when Eric says his first line of ''Are you the reporter I called?'' Fred did his impression of Eric saying that line. Howard and Robin were cracking up.
Howard said that he likes the line when he says ''keys woman!'' Howard said that's great. Howard said they should have a day when they play all of Eric's acting roles. He was on American Dreams once too. Howard said he didn't even remember getting him on that show. Howard said they should have a whole film festival with Eric's shows. Gary said that show was like 10 years ago. Eric said ''Unless it's 2015 then it's not 10 years ago. Howard said that's good math on Eric's part.
Howard said they should have the film festival so they can get more people to put him into their shows. Howard said they have more to play too. Gary said he was looking at IMDB and they have Eric's listings for Howard TV and the episodes he appeared on. All of the stuff listed is about the problems Eric has had with these episodes.
Howard asked Eric what show he liked best. Eric said he likes ''In Plain Sight'' since his head stayed intact. Howard asked if Fringe was the toughest role he had. Eric said it was. He said this was more comfortable doing this one than Fringe. He said he got to stay in his wheelchair for this role. He was in a bench on Fringe. He was also underground in a subway tunnel. Howard said that he likes this character but In Plain Sight is ending. They need to get him his own show.
Howard took a call from a guy in New Zealand who said that he didn't like the bunny line. He saw the clip on YouTube. Howard said he just got a positive review. Howard said he enjoyed it other than the bunny line. Howard said he's getting to that line now.
Howard played more of Eric's audio from In Plain Sight. That's where Eric says ''Crap! Don't let the bunnies out!'' Howard and Fred did their impressions of that line.
Robin said someone has to come up with a script for Eric's own show. Howard said he had a script for a 30 second performance. Howard asked Doug if they can do something. Doug said they can certainly talk about it. Howard said they're blowing it not having something.
Howard said they have the behind the scenes stuff with Eric on Howard TV starting tonight. Howard said they show him talking to Tia Carrere back stage. Howard said they will have that on tonight and it gets really good when she goes back stage to meet him. Howard said she says hi and Eric just grunts. Howard said she ask what his part is like and Howard grunted again like that's all Eric was doing.
Howard said that Eric doesn't even talk about why the cameras are there with him. He said that he just sits there saying almost nothing to her. Robin said no one said anything to her about the Howard TV cameras being there. Howard played some of the audio of Eric talking to Tia. Shuli and Mike Gange were saying more than Eric was. Eric had one word answers for Tia.
Robin said that it if it wasn't for Shuli and the other guys speaking for him he wouldn't have had anything to say. Eric said they answered before he could. Robin said he should have told them to shut up. Howard said he could have done that. Howard did an impression of what that might sound like. Howard said Tia got out of there after that.
Howard said that Eric could have told Shuli to shut up. He asked if he's sick of that shit. Eric said it's not cool. Howard said Shuli is acting like Eric is 4 years old. Howard said Tia really is good looking too. He said that Shuli was barging in and talking for him. Howard said he made Eric seem like a tool. Howard asked Eric if people treat him like a little kid all the time. Eric said ''not really.'' Howard said he feels like he's the only guy who doesn't treat him like a kid.
Howard said Eric should play something like Frankenstein's monster. He asked if he'd do that if he got the rights to it. Eric said he probably wouldn't. Howard said he thinks that it would work. He said that he could put this giant thing through electricity and he ends up with Eric. Howard said he'd be horribly damaged.
Eric said if he had known Tia was going to be on Celebrity Apprentice he would have brought that up when he spoke to her. He had told her about seeing her in Wayne's World many years ago. Howard said he tried. He said he thinks Shuli kind of cock blocked him though. Howard told the Howard TV guys to play that clip again. He said he wanted to hear Shuli talking for Eric.
The Howard TV guys replayed the clip of Eric talking to Tia with Shuli interrupting. Howard was joking around talking about how Eric's diaper is clean and Eric got upset that he was saying that because he doesn't wear one. Howard said he was just making a joke about him not being a baby. Howard let the clip play and did his Eric impression again. Robin said they didn't let him get a word in edgewise. Howard said you have to see this clip. He said it's the greatest thing ever. He said Eric just kind of stares at you. Robin said everyone gets kind of nervous.
Eric said you should watch the full episode of the show because he noticed in the script there are some Stern show references. Howard said he had the final 23 seconds of his appearance. Howard played that clip and Eric has a couple more lines. This time he had them with Mary McCormack. Howard said he's on screen for 23 seconds and he has one line. Eric said it was two.
Eric said they had a couple of lines that referred to Howard's show. Howard said he didn't get that. Eric explained what it was and how it was a reference to the show. Robin said she feels that he's stretching there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Eric should be on Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton. Howard said that would be interesting. Howard did his James Lipton and Eric impressions with Fred. The caller said it would be the greatest show ever.
Howard said they'll see if they can book him for that. Howard asked Eric if he would do that show. Eric said he would. Howard said all of his acting roles have been under a minute. Eric said he's sure they're more than a minute. Howard said he just looked at them and they were all under a minute.
Howard played the audio of Eric on ''American Dream'' which was pretty short. Howard said that his acting was better back then. Howard said that his Fringe role was over a minute actually. Howard asked if Robin wanted to hear that clip. Robin said sure. Howard played the clip. Eric had a few lines in that show too. Howard said he thinks his work on that show is better than on In Plain Sight. Howard asked if Robin wanted to hear his head exploding. Robin said that Eric said the word remuneration wrong. Howard tried to get Eric to say it right but Eric was saying ''remuneration.'' Howard said they didn't work with him on it. He said they could have gotten him to say it correctly. Howard said maybe they were screwing with him. Howard said no one knows what it means anyway. Howard played the clip of his head exploding. Howard said he didn't have to do any acting in that scene. Robin said it's still acting if he's in that scene.
Howard said Eric was mentioned in an interview with Jonah Hill. Howard played that clip. Jonah was being asked if he would ever put Eric the Actor in a film. Jonah said he's working on a Broadway version of ''Fly Me With Balloons'' that he could put him in. Jonah said maybe he will. He said he's a big fan of Eric's. Then the audience started saying ''Ack, ack'' and threw out some ''Baba Booey'' references too. That clip was from Wonder-Con.
Howard said they have to get Eric in another show and they have to get him in 4 or 5 scenes. Howard said he's not sure it will ever happen though. Robin asked why he wasn't in a bigger role. Howard said she heard his acting. That's why.
Eric said he saw ''21 Jump Street'' and it was pretty good. Howard said Robin said that too. Robin said she didn't see that movie. Eric said if they did a sequel then he could be in a scene in that. He said he could play a math professor. Howard said the only writer he knows is the guy who writes Cougar Town. He said they could use a cranky neighbor. Robin said he would be a great cranky neighbor. Howard said maybe Danny Zuker could write something for them. He's the head guy over at Modern Family. Howard said Danny never wrote anything funny for them so he should have fired him. He kept him on when he interned for them. Eric also pointed out that the girl who plays the oldest daughter on the show played Howard's daughter in ''Private Parts.'' Robin didn't know that.
Howard asked Eric if he'd play a gay role. Eric said he won't. He said he has respect for gay people but he won't play one. Gary said Eric has to play all kinds of roles if he's an actor. They said he could play a British guy. Eric said he's not sure he could pull off a British accent if he had to. Howard did an impression of what that would sound like. He told Eric to try it. Eric said he doesn't think he can pull it off. Howard said he'll put in the call to Danny Zuker.
Howard said maybe he can play the pervy neighbor on Cougar Town. Eric said he won't do that. Gary said playing a perv doesn't make you a perv. Eric said he knows that.
Howard asked Eric if he would play a wigger. Eric said that's disrespectful to black people. Gary said they did an episode of Modern Family with a little person so he may have missed that opportunity. Howard said that he could play a straight wigger. Eric said he won't play that. Howard said he's very limited. Gary said he can only play a cantankerous little person. Howard asked if he does any voices. Eric said he has been trying to do 20 seconds of insane courage based on a line in a Matt Damon movie. Howard and the guys had no idea what he was talking about.
Eric said he's trying to do 20 seconds of insane courage to get some voice over roles. He said he can do a little kid's voice. Robin asked if he can really do a little kid's voice. Howard said maybe they can do a remake of Footloose called ''Club Footloose.'' Howard did an impression of what that might sound like. Fred played the song from Footloose and threw in some Eric clips.
Howard said he'll talk to Danny Zuker and Bill Lawrence from Cougar Town. Howard said he'll see if he can get him some more work. Robin said that Tim Stack is writing for ''Raising Hope.'' Howard said maybe he can get Eric on that show. Howard said Tim owes him. Robin said they should get him on that show. She said that they have to build a whole episode around him. Eric said that Tim does segments for Leno. Howard said he doesn't care about that. He said Tim is a huge talent and he writes on all of these hit shows. Howard said maybe he could get him something meatier. Howard said maybe they could put him on 30 Rock as Alec Baldwin's boss. Eric hesitated on that since it's not one of his favorite shows.
Robin said that he wasn't a fan of Fringe before he did the show but now he watches every episode. Howard asked what show he would most want to be in. Eric said that's a hard one. He said there are a lot. Howard said he might be able to get him on Dancing with the Stars. Eric said he can't stand that show. Howard asked what his favorite show is. Eric said he likes Whitney. Howard said they know Whitney so that might be doable. Howard said Whitney owes him. Eric said maybe Two Broke Girls would be another one. Howard said he'll contact Whitney and see if he can get something going.
Eric asked if he can do his kid voice. Howard said he wasn't looking for that but he'll take it. Eric said he could do a Disney movie or something. Eric did his kid voice and it wasn't much different than his regular voice. Howard said it was pretty creepy. He said it sounds like a pedophile. Howard told him to do some more of that. Eric said Johnny has heard him do better. He said it sounds like the Dougie The Puggie voice. Eric said he never did that voice. Howard asked Robin what she thought of it. Robin said he just became Eric. Fred said it wasn't very good. He can't talk long before he has to take a breath. Fred did an impression of what that sounds like. Howard and Robin were cracking up. Howard said they're laughing but Eric has 3 shows under his belt.
Eric said that maybe they could get Mike Judge to get him in a show. Howard said he would love to see that. Howard said he'll get word out there to these people. Howard said Mike listens every morning. He said he has to go now. Howard said he feels like Shuli now because Eric wasn't saying much.
Howard said Beavis and Butt-Head could pretend to be in wheelchairs so they can get chicks like Eric got Tia. Howard said he'll see what he can do. Howard congratulated Eric. He said he'd love to see him on Sons of Anarchy riding a motorcycle or something. He said he could work for a circus and get shot out of a cannon. Fred played some audio of him getting shot out of a cannon. Howard said goodbye to Eric but he was already gone. Howard had to go to break after that.
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Howard came back and said he tweeted out a couple of shots of Beth in her underwear over the weekend. He said she approved them. Howard said he had some free time this weekend since he wasn't working. Howard said he's still taking photography lessons. Howard TV showed the pictures so Howard explained how he lit her. He said they call them speed lights. Howard said he had one on the floor and one above her. He said that it was pretty cool. He said the light was in her hair too. He said he thinks that it's some of the best lighting. He said that some people liked it and some told him that she should wash her feet. Howard said he thought it was very artsy.
Howard said that they just retweeted the photos @sternshow if you want to see them.
Howard said that lighting can make the difference between pervy and artsy. Howard said Albert Brooks told him that Gary had never looked better. Howard said he asked Albert when he's going to let him take his phot. Howard said someone was putting Albert down and he had to defend the guy. Howard said Albert is great. Robin said that he was really good in ''drive.'' Howard said he hasn't seen that yet.
Howard and Robin were talking about this Margaret Thatcher movie that's out and Robin didn't like it. Gary said there was an interesting story there and he thought she would have liked it. Robin said she really didn't.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if he has seen the comment that someone made about the photos and how her feet looked dirty. Howard said her feet could have been dirty but she was walking around. The caller asked if it was the lighting. Howard said maybe they were just dirty. He said he had her inside and outside so maybe her feet were dirty.
Howard said it's very hard to communicate with that woman. He kept trying to talk to her but she kept interrupting.
Joe came in and said he's 31 and he's been doing computer programming since he was about 15. He said about a year and a half ago they were on the show and they got a lot of press for the app. He said that FOX news picked up on the story and they said it was a bullying tool. Joe said they just did that for fun and it got picked up by the news. He said they had them on FOX national news and more. He said that the app has been downloaded over 5 million times and over 300,000 people have bought it. He said they made some money off of that.
Howard said they went back to the lab and they recreated the app. Joe said the app takes measurements and it takes different ratios and predicts if you're ugly or not. Joe said they scan Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and they get in the 90s. He said that no one gets a perfect score. Joe said that Howard's wife came up as a 92. He said that Angelina came up as an 89 and Brad Pitt was like a 92.
Howard asked Joe what the app does. Joe said they verify the points on the face and it takes about 15 seconds to figure it all out. He said it will break you down into parts and tell you what's wrong. Howard told Joe to try it with him. He said he wants to know how ugly he is. Robin said she didn't want Howard having more ammunition against himself.
Howard asked Joe what his prediction is. Joe said he doesn't know. Howard said he should beat Jay Leno at least. Joe had said Jay came in with an 11. Howard posed for Joe and had him take the picture. Joe was shaking. He said that he was cold.
Joe told Howard he was lining up the points on the app. He said that it's like Toucan Sam. Howard asked how bad he is. Joe said that it's working and they have to wait for the results. Joe said that he has a long face and that's less attractive. He said that his eyes are the right size and spaced correctly. Joe said it says that his nose is too wide. He got a score of 34. Joe said Howard beat him by 2 points.
Howard asked about Fred. Fred said he'll be lucky to break 10. Howard told Joe to do Fred. He said the first time he was there this app was fake and bullshit but now it really works. Joe took a shot of Fred and tried it out on him. Howard gave him some plugs while they waited to see what the results were.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks Fred came out at. Robin said she thinks it'll be above Howard. Joe said Fred is at a 40. He lost some points with his nose width. Howard said Fred does have a wide nose. Howard asked why he didn't have any prepared jokes for Fred like he did with the toucan Sam joke.
Robin told him to try Benjy. Howard said he has to beat JD. He told Joe to do JD too. Benjy said that he's not sure if his weight will screw it up but he has a very symmetrical face. JD came in so Joe could scan him. Howard said that he can't turn to the side. Robin said he was looking up in the air. Joe said he has to line up the face in the app.
Joe made a face and said it was just from seeing JD's picture. Howard said he has to beat JD. Robin said it's too bad they don't have Jared there anymore to go up against JD. Howard said if he doesn't beat JD he's going home early. He said he thinks JD might be better looking than him. Howard said he heard that JD was dreading this day for weeks. Howard said he bets JD is a 46. JD said he wants to be over 50. Robin said she's going to say he might be a 45. Robin said it's a symmetry thing. Joe said that JD came in at a 52. Howard said he beat Fred and him. Howard said that proves the fucking app is bullshit. Howard said no offense of course. Howard said he really is bone ugly.
Howard said they have to try Benjy next. Joe asked him to take off his hat. Joe told him not to smile. Benjy was trying to look cute. Joe told him not to smile. He kept doing it. Howard said Benjy is atrocious. He said this thing can't be right with JD coming in at a 52. He said Joe is bumming him out with this app.
Howard asked how Benjy is doing. The app was still working. Howard said he can't believe he's a 34. He said he wants him to take it again. Benjy came in at a 52.
Howard told Joe to try again. He said he has to fix himself up again. Howard posed and said the reason he came out so low is because he was shooting him from below. Joe said that he came out with a 34 once again.
Howard had Will Murray come in to get tested. Howard said Will is supposedly a good looking kid. He said that Gary has to take it too. Gary said he's conceded to Howard. He just wants to beat Leno. Howard said he thinks this is all bullshit. Howard said it's crap. Gary said he'll help him out there.
Howard said he can't believe he's a 34 and Beth is a 92. Howard asked who got the highest score ever. Joe said that Beth is the highest that he's scanned personally. Will came in at a 70. Howard said he's a prick. Joe said he's only twice as good looking.
Howard said he has to beat Jason. He said Jason is disgusting. Howard had Gary go next. He said he has to show his teeth. Gary said that no one smiled so he's not going to smile. Howard said he can't even cover his teeth. Howard said he has to beat him. He said at least he beat Leno. Gary said that Leno isn't that ugly. Howard said he had to have beat Gary. He said maybe he'll come in at a 7. Howard said Gary may come in at a 15. Gary came in at a 59. Gary told JD to beat that. Howard said he beat Fred, Benjy and him.
Howard had Jason come in to get scanned. Howard said he really hates this app. He said he thought he was hot. Robin said being on TV has gone to his head. Howard asked what he had for Jason. He said if he beat 34 then he's going to be pissed. Joe said he should have scanned Howard last. Howard said he's had the lowest score yet. Joe said Jason came in at a 59. Howard said that's not right. Howard said this app is such bullshit. Jason said even he disagrees with that number. Howard asked if the app comes with a suicide device.
Howard said guys like Jon Hein must be worse looking than him. He said that he has to have Scott the Engineer and Ronnie come in. Howard said he's go to beat Ronnie. Ronnie came in and asked what's wrong with him. Howard told him to take his picture. He said this thing is bullshit. Ronnie told Joe not to lie. Howard said he's not going to lie.
Joe showed Howard what Ronnie's results were. Howard said Ronnie came in at a 0. Howard said he was lower than Jay Leno. Howard swore that's what it came up with. Ronnie told them to fuck off. Joe said that his head size is fine but his eyes are too small and too far apart. That's where he lost points. He said that his mouth is too narrow for his face too. Howard said that he's feeling better now. Joe said he's never had a score that low. Howard said he knew he was better than Ronnie.
Gary said that they just did Scott and Jon Hein out there. Howard told them to come in and do it. Gary said they had Joe's assistant out there. Howard said that's shocking that Ronnie is so low. Howard thanked him for taking the hit.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who asked what he'd score. Howard said that they have to take a shot of him. He said he's not sure they have a picture of him to use. Joe said they need a head shot. Howard said he lives in a trailer and drinks all day so he may not have a head shot. Joe said they have to have a perfectly straight shot.
Howard had Debbie the Pet Lady on the line but when he picked up she was gone. Howard said he thought she quit the show. Howard said a lot of people love her on the show.
Gary came in and said they have more scores. He said that Scott the Engineer is a 41. Howard said ''Oh my god...'' Gary said Jon Hein was a 47 and Jon Leiberman was an 18. Howard said he can see that. Gary said they're taking Richard and Sal's pictures out there now. Howard said he should have them in the studio when they give the results. Howard said Gary should have brought those guys in too. Jon Leiberman came in and said there's no way he's an 18. He said it was too tight of a shot.
Joe's partner Ryan came in after that. Howard asked about Richard and Sal. They didn't have their results yet. Howard said the funny thing is that he came in at a 34 and Jon Leiberman came in at an 18. Jon had some scratches on his forehead. Jon said he wanted a retake. Howard said the startling result was Ronnie at a 0. Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' audio clip from ''Animal House.''
Howard said Scott DePace thinks he's a good looking guy. Scott said he'll beat Will. Howard had the guys take a shot of Scott a few seconds later when he showed up. Howard said he can't be that good looking. They took the shot and waited for the results.
Howard had Debbie the Pet Lady back on the phone. She said she did quit the show but she has to talk to him for 5 minutes. Howard told her to hold on. DePace got his results and he came in at a 56. DePace couldn't believe that Jason beat him. DePace wanted to try it with a smile so he could beat Gary. Gary said that they're not even taking into account his baldness.
The guys said that Sal came in at a 34. He was the same as Howard. Howard said that's the only thing they have in common. Howard said he and Robin have something in common too. He said she's a 34-G and he's a 34.
Howard said that they're waiting on Richard's results. Richard said his nickname in high school was Fugly. Howard said that they should take a shot of the Gary Mask.
Debbie the Pet Lady said she wanted to yell at him this morning but she was laughing. Howard said he just scored a 34 on the ugly meter. Richard said maybe he should take a shot of his cock. Debbie said that the only good looking person in there is Gary. Howard asked if she's attracted to him. She screamed that she wasn't. Howard said she is and sang ''Debbie loves Gary.'' She screamed at him.
Joe said that the Gary Mask got a Score of 5. It beat Ronnie. Gary asked if the Ronnie Mask can beat Ronnie. Howard got back to Debbie and sang to her again. She got all upset and screamed at him again. Howard asked Debbie if she would go out with Gary. She said she's just saying he's an attractive guy.. She said he's the only decent one on the show.
Joe said he had the next score ready. Howard said that Sal was going to get his picture taken with the Ronnie Mask on. Richard came in with a score of 46. Howard said he can't believe that he and Sal have a 34. Howard said there has to be uglier people than him. They pointed out Leiberman who was at an 18.
Ronnie Mask came in with a score of 5. Howard said that the mask beat Ronnie. Richard said he should wear his mask everywhere. Howard asked Debbie if she's attracted to Ronnie. She said she can't talk bad about him because he was very nice to her. Howard said Ronnie offered her a spot on his block party. Howard said that he can't imagine her traveling with those guys.
Ronnie told Sal to shut up because he has to wear make up every day. Ronnie said that Debbie is doing Long Island so she doesn't have to travel far.
Richard asked if he could get his ass scanned to see if he beats Ronnie. Joe said that he didn't want to scan that. Sal said he could pose with his cock and balls since it's more like a face. Sal did that. Richard said he has an ugly cock so it can't do that well. Howard said they were taking a shot of Sal's cock and balls.
Richard's ass came in with a score of 16. Sal's cock and balls were still being scanned. A short time later they said he got a score of 2.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who asked how that thing can be accurate. She said that they have good and bad days. She said it would come out different every day. Joe said it's based on bone structure and it comes out the same every time. Mariann said that Howard is a 1 million plus in her book. Howard thanked her and hung up on her in the middle of a sentence. Howard said this app is a bullshit app but if you want it you can find it on iTunes. Howard said they have an Ugly Meter and the Ugly Meter Pro that actually odes scan you and figure out if you're ugly. Howard said he did beat some guys and Sal's balls and penis. Howard thanked the guys and went to break a short time later.
Howard said all of these guys clobbered him. He said that he only beat Ronnie and Jon Leiberman. Howard said that's it. He said Scott the Engineer even clobbered him. Howard and Fred did their Scott impressions and goofed on him for a few seconds.
Howard said Ronnie got a zero and they've never seen that before. Howard said that's terrible. Howard said at least his said he had his eyes nicely placed. Howard said nothing on Ronnie worked. Howard said it did say something about him that was right.
Howard said on twitter people have been asking for tickets to the Tampa taping of America's Got Talent. He said that they're going to be there next week. Howard said if you want to come to the shows you have to call 888-9-ASSHOLE and ask for tickets. Howard said he can't respond to everyone on Twitter.
Howard said there was an article in the NY Post while they were away on Friday. Howard said they say that Howie Mandel is so irked by him. He said that it was kind of a bummer. He said the Post contacted him about it. He said that Howie and Sharon been very gracious to him at the show. He said he called Howie and Howie said he can't believe they're printing that.
Howard read the article where they say that Howie is jealous of Howard at the show because he's getting all of the attention. Howard said Howie has said to him a million times that it's great he's at the show and adding audience. Howard said he saw the story so he called Howie. Howard said Howie said it was ridiculous and he called and gave them a quote about how the only bad thing is that his wife yells ''Baba Booey'' during sex.
Howard said he's sure Howie didn't want him to think that he was going around grousing about him. He read more of the article and they had unnamed sources from the show claiming all of this stuff.
Howard said if you're looking for tickets just call the show. Howard said that story was all over the place. Robin said they create these pseudo rivalries. Howard said that someone asked if NBC put it out there. He said they'd never do that.
Howard played an audio clip from a news report about the article. They just went with what the story in the paper said. Howard said he doesn't buy it. He said it could be but he doesn't buy it. Howard said Howie denies it.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he put in to get tickets to the AGT tapings in New York. He said that if Howie has a problem then he's going to have a real problem in New York. That's his home coming. The caller said he has four seats and if he has 3 young ladies with him will he have better luck getting in. Howard said he watches how they do that stuff and he sees how they move people around. He said they put good looking people in the front. Howard said they'll even move the not-so-good-looking guy into the front but they do it reluctantly.
The caller said they say that they don't have as many seats as they do tickets. Howard said that he's not sure how they work that whole thing. Howard said he should be fine. The caller said that he's looking forward to it.
Howard said he has Tampa and New York and then one week in Vegas. He said everything else after that is live. Howard said the show starts airing on May 14th.
Howard said he hopes they don't edit out all of the funny stuff. He said he saw one segment of the stuff they tape. He said that they had to show him camera angles. Howard said he still can't believe that Benjy got a 67. He said he doesn't look good himself when he's not on a profile. Howard said that app can't be real. He said it is a lot of fun. Robin didn't do it. She said she has no desire to know what she'd score. Howard said she has a beautiful face and Clarence Clemons said that she had beautiful skin. Howard said he averaged out what he and Beth would be and he came up with a 67.
Robin said that she didn't want to score less than Ronnie. Ronnie came in and asked why Robin didn't get her picture taken. Robin said she didn't tell anyone to have their picture taken. She said she has no desire to know. She said she likes living in a fantasy world. Ronnie said she's yaking about him and he's wondering why she's doing that. Robin said she just said there's something wrong with the app. Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' clip while Ronnie was in there.
Ronnie said that Lisa G scored a 72. He said that Gregg Karmel scored better than Will. He said he scored a 72. Howard asked what Gary's mask got. Gary said it was a 5. Howard said even that beat Ronnie. Robin said everyone must be feeling pretty good. Howard said he feels really ugly right now. He said he really odes. Howard said that it's going to trickle back to his wife and she's going to ask if JD really beat him.
Howard said JD got a 52. He said he almost beat him by 20 points. Howard said even Fred beat him. He said Fred looks like he has one foot in the grave. Fred said he must have two feet in the grave then. Howard said that app was bogus before and it's bullshit.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves Howard TV. He said he watched the Eric the Midget at the Viper Room which was hilarious. He told Howard that someone handed Eric a Pepsi at one point and it was funny. Howard said he saw that clip. He said Eric is all over the place this month on Howard TV.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard TV has been on fire lately. He said Debbie the Pet Lady is great. Howard said she is great on the show. Howard said people were telling him he should have been afraid of her when she was in the studio. Howard said he was afraid. He said that they have a video of Debbie from out in the hall and she's getting into the elevator. Howard said she wasn't able to get into it. Howard said she's afraid of the elevator. She was screaming about how she was afraid and she wanted to get out. She told them to stop it so she could get out. The guys told her she'd be fine. Debbie was freaking out. Howard said that poor bird is on her shoulder all the time.
The caller said she was screaming at Robin at one point. Howard said he had to tell her that Robin couldn't hear her during the break. She was in her booth and had no idea she was talking to her.
Howard said everything happens at the elevator. He said that Debbie's bird sits on her shoulder and it must not need a cage. Howard said that bird must be deaf. He said she's at a decibel level that no human can handle. Howard said that's a good Howard TV episode.
Howard said he has a lot of tapes to play but he has to take a break first. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and talked about Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas for a minute. Howard said he was reading the New York Times and how Rick Santorum taking another state. Howard said that they talk about the lunatics who are voting for this guy. Howard said they went to Louisiana and asked some women why they were voting for him. Howard said one woman said ''Seven kids! Seven kids!'' and that's why she's voting for him. Howard said that they also say that they like that he had a daughter with a genetic disorder. Howard said that they want more of that. He said that they're all for having kids that are going to live a life of pain. Howard said one woman started yelling out that he didn't abort his last one and that was amazing. Howard said one woman is for him because he has 7 kids and another is because he didn't abort his last kid.
Howard read about how women were yelling out about how he's a Christian and a man of faith. Howard said these dummies are voting for this moron. Howard said they're just dumb. Howard said they should be a different United States down there.
Howard read more of the comments they had from the women about why they voted for Santorum. Howard said it doesn't make a lot of sense. Howard said that one woman said she likes that he's only been married once. Howard said some people said this just isn't his time and he won't get elected. Howard said they don't talk about the economy or anything. They're worried about him being a good guy who stuck with his wife and had 7 kids.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his pictures of Beth are hot as hell and really well done. He asked if Beth would pose for Playboy. Howard said she said that she will not. Howard said she has been offered the shot at doing it but she says it's not her thing. Howard said Beth felt it would hurt her career if she did it. She felt it would lose her work.
The caller asked if he would do the photography and if Beth would do it then. Howard said he's not sure he's Playboy caliber. He said that's some of the best photography you'll ever see. Howard said he has done some good ones with Christa Miller and people like that. Howard said he thought those were really good. Howard said he doesn't think it's Beth's thing though. He said she does have a kick ass body though. He said she's turning 40 and she has a great body. She's also married to a 34.
The caller said he's looking forward to the AGT thing. Howard said he has seen some footage and it's very strange. He said he's not sure how it'll go. He said that the network people tell him he's doing a good job though.
Howard said they got on another show and the host threatened to call the district attorney. Howard played the audio of the host of a Swap and Shop show where the host read about a trouser trout thing that was for sale. He had a Captain T's Tea Bags and some Jizz Covered T-shirts from JD Harmeyer. Sal called in after he read the mail bag stuff. Sal asked about the trouser trout and what that cost. Sal asked if it was the trouser trout that you yank on or suck on. They eventually hung up on him. Then they said they were going to find out who that is after they *69 him. Then Richard calls in and asks about the jizz covered t-shirts and if he's a rope shooter or a dribbler. The host says that they're going to turn over that number to the District Attorney's office. Then the host comes back from a break and says it's Sal and Richie from the Howard Stern Show with all of the bogus items.
Howard said he's jealous of that guy. He has echo on his voice so Howard did an impression of what that sounds like. Howard told the guys to write in when it's Swap and Shop because he keeps saying it's Tradio. Howard goofed on the host for a short time with the echo on his voice.
Howard replayed the Saul Teeload clip real quick. Howard said Sal and Richard get through with a lot of these things. Howard played another one where they got in the Matt Sterbater and Cam Ulltoe phony names in a birthday wish segment.
Howard played a few more where they got in Drew P. Balls and some other goofy names like that. They got in a 100th birthday wish for Ronnie.
Howard said that Tebow is coming to New York. He said that was the big news over the weekend. Gary came in and said that it's a really bad idea. He said that the second they get to training camp they're going to ask who will be the starting quarterback. He said that no one is going to believe it no matter what. He said that the crowd is going to go nuts when they don't put Tebow in.
Howard said he had audio of Pat Robertson talking about Tim Tebow. Howard said this guy gets on and talks like he knows what God is thinking. Howard played the clip and Robertson says that his take on it is that the Broncos treated him shabbily. He said Tebow rallied them together to win against Pittsburgh. He went on and on saying that it would serve the Broncos right if Peyton Manning's injury comes back.
Howard said Sal and Richard went over toe Rockefeller Center and asked people about Tebow. Howard said they're only into him because he's religious.
Howard played clips of Sal and Richard asking women about Tebow. There were women saying that the Jets will win because they have Tim on the team and he's religious. They asked the women if they think he will be tempted by all of the sin in the city. They said he will be tempted. Fred played some banjo music since the women had heavy southern accents. Howard said these people are maniacs. He said they're probably the same people voting for Santorum.
Sal and Richard asked if they think Howard Stern will go to heaven or hell. They said he will end up in hell. They started to pray for Howard Stern to change his ways. Howard said he's for gay people and legalizing drugs. That's why they think he's going to hell. Sal asked the women if they would rap their arms around Howard Stern. One woman quickly said no.
Sal and Richard asked a guy if they thought Tebow was going to help win the Super Bowl. That guy said they need more than God on their side to win. Another guy said that it's not about God and they need skill and more. That guy also said that he thinks Howard Stern will go to hell for all of the atrocities he's done. He even prayed for Howard and said he hopes that he can be forgiven for all of the atrocities he's done. Howard said he's not sure what he's done that would be considered atrocities.
Gary said they also say that Tebow could come in and calm everyone on the team down and help them out that way.
Howard played an edited Pat Robertson clip where they had him saying ''praise abortion... praise satan... praise boy's assholes'' and things like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks Tiger Woods is getting laid. Howard said he thinks he's getting tons of pussy. The caller said that Tiger looked great. Howard said he must be getting pussy then. Howard said there's nothing wrong with that.
Howard said Richard's dad called him. Howard said this is just life on the farm in Kansas. Howard played the clip and Richard's dad talked about going to the lake and catching a 17 pound fish and finding a bunch of wild mushrooms. He said they found some wild asparagus too. He said that their chicken had 6 baby chicks in the barn. He said it's been raining a lot there too.
Howard said he could never find wild asparagus. Howard said they should know how to find that kind of thing but they don't. Howard said they know how to live off the land out there. Howard wasn't aware that they need a rooster to fertilize the eggs that come out. Richard said that the rooster inseminates them. Robin said that's a crucial part. Richard said the eggs do come out on their own. Howard said that's pretty stupid of him not to know. Richard said he's not even 100 percent sure how that works.
Richard said that Howard might be right about them just sitting on the eggs. Howard said he thought the eggs just came out like they're taking a dump. Richard said his mother cracked an egg once and a baby chick came out.
Fred said that Howard is right about laying the eggs. He said they lay eggs all the time but the rooster has to fertilize them to make them into baby chickens.
Howard asked if an egg is a chicken abortion. Robin said it's like a period. Fred said that humans create eggs too. Howard said he'd just want the eggs to sell at market so he wouldn't need the rooster.
Richard said they had a rooster that would fuck their cats. He said it was the funniest thing. He said the rooster would hold the cat down and not let them go.
Robin looked it up on the internet and found the information about how the rooster fertilizes the eggs in the hen. Howard heard that and said he's not sure what's going on. Howard said he was having more fun before.
Howard said Richard knew nothing. Richard said if he ever wants to do a show where they have poison and non-poison foods he'd eat them. Howard said Richard is really messed up. He said he'd eat Sal's shit if he could get on Beavis and Butt-Head. Howard said Richard just pushes that stuff too far.
Howard said he had another clip of this basketball player Brian Conklin crying at a press conference. Howard played that clip and the guy was crying over his coach retiring. The guy broke down and Howard said he should get a grip. Conklin was talking about how great the coach was and how upset he was about him retiring. Howard said he wishes he could feel that emotional about something. Howard said that guy can't even control himself.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his neighbors have hens and without a rooster you don't get chickens. He said that they just lay eggs and that's what they get. Howard said that's wild. Howard said he's not sure why women don't have eggs that drop out. Robin said they do but they're microscopic. Howard said they should fish those things out of the toilet.
The caller asked if they saw the story about how Sandusky was pegged as a pedophile 15 years ago. Robin said she has the story she was going to read today. Robin said they found that in 1998. Howard said it's really weird. He said that's like the lowest crime of them all. He said they ruin kid's lives. Howard said that some of these kids can't even get hard ever again. Robin said that he has to stop telling the kids they'll never get over it. Howard said it's the very lowest of crimes.
Howard said he can't believe that anyone would keep that Sandusky thing a secret. He said that's just not right. Howard said that he's thinking that being a 34 on the ugly meter is even worse than the molestation thing. Howard said that you can forget about that but when you see yourself in the mirror every day you never get over it. Howard said Doug Goodstein came in below him. Doug said he was a 26. Howard said that's his bug eyes. Howard said Doug isn't that bad looking. Doug said Howard isn't either. Howard said it really sucks for him. He said he's not an 11 like Jay Leno is.
Howard said that Lisa G came out very high in that test. He said that she was like a 72. He said that's insanely good. Howard said Jon Hein came out with a 49. Lee from Howard TV was a 34 also. Howard said he's better looking than Lee. Howard said Lee is a Senior Producer at Howard TV. Fred said Lee looks like Curly. Howard said he isn't better looking than him. Lee came in and said that he loves to be equal on everything but he's not sure about this. Lee said he doesn't think Howard is a bad looking guy. He said that he's not sure that combined they're Gregg Karmel. Howard said Lee is extremely handsome. Lee thanked him for that.
Howard said maybe Jon Hein is better looking than him. He said that he's not sure about that. Robin said this app isn't right at all. She said it's ridiculous. Howard said even pedophiles weren't attracted to him. Howard and Robin talked about Gary's looks and how he scored pretty high. Robin said this app is bogus and she wants to know what they based this on. Howard said Jason scored 25 points higher than him. Gary said if Howard did score high he'd be so much different. Howard said he thinks this thing is accurate. Gary said he thinks that Doug is better looking than him. He said he doesn't think it's accurate. Robin won't even take it. Robin said she doesn't want any arbitrary number hanging over her out there. Robin admits she's a coward. Howard asked what she thinks she would score. Robin said she'd be average. Howard said she's beautiful though. Howard said she has a nice face. He's a judge so he should know. Howard asked if Lisa G is prettier than her. Robin said she doesn't know and she doesn't care to know.
Howard said he thinks that Robin would test highly. Howard said that she should test the app at home. Robin said she doesn't need that number. Howard said he'd like to know. Gary asked if they can test her press photo. Robin said no. Howard said he thinks she'd do well. He said she might come out at a 97.
Jon Hein was in the studio so Howard asked him for his Wrap Up Show rundown. Jon ran down the list of subjects for today's show. They talked about the Ugly Meter and Howard couldn't get over his score. Howard said his face holds him back from so many things. Robin asked where he would be if he was higher than a 34. Howard said he'd be a judge on TV. Robin said he is. Howard said ''Oh yeah...'' when she reminded him.
Robin started off with a story about the woman whose face was ripped off by the chimp a few years ago. Robin said she's now suing the state of Connecticut. Howard said she has a point because they allow people to keep wild animals in their homes. Robin said she thinks that authorities who are in charge were responsible. Robin said she was a friend of this woman who owned the chimp and she kept going there even when it made aggressive moves toward her. Robin said she has a $50 million lawsuit against the estate of the woman who owned the chimp. Howard did a live commercial and went to break after that.
After the break, around 9:40am, Robin got back to her news and read about an 18 month old boy who was injured when he fell into a washing machine and died. Robin said the machine was operating with the lid open. Howard said that's weird. Robin said the child was brought to the hospital and died later that evening.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she thinks he's a 10. Howard said she thinks he's a 10 and not a 34. She said she thinks that his face isn't unattractive. She said that Howard has saved her life. She said she's 52 and she thinks that the way he talks to the staff is humiliating at times. She asked if they're okay with this. Howard said he's their boss so of course they are. Howard said he treats his staff very well and on the air he won't put up with nonsense. Howard said some of the guys need a good talking to. The caller said that Howard never asks Robin what she weighs but he does that to the men. Howard said he'd never ask Robin that kind of thing. He said you never ask a woman her weight. Howard tried to let the caller go but she was going on and on. Howard said that she was all over the place too. He hung up on her. Howard said she's attacking his Robin and he can't put up with that.
Robin read a story about a 4 year old girl who was burned by coffee when she brought her grandmother's cup back up to get a refill. Robin said they violated their policy by serving coffee to a minor and by not putting the lid on correctly. Robin said the child was burned on her chest with 2nd degree burns.
Robin read about Dick Cheney getting a heart transplant. Howard said that there are some people upset that he got one when they think that younger people should be getting a heart transplant. Howard said he thought the guy was going to drop dead while he was in office. Howard said some people have heart attacks and they can't avoid it. Robin said President Clinton was on that road but he has changed his ways and become a vegan and he's been doing fine. Howard said Cheney has bad genetics. Robin said you can compensate for bag genetics. Howard said you can't avoid it sometimes. He said you can't argue with that. Robin was.
Robin said that they say that Whitney Houston had heart disease and she had a lot of cocaine in her system. Robin said she didn't have weight problem but she did have heart disease. Howard said she did a lot of coke. Robin said that's diet related, not cocaine related.
Robin read about the Jerry Sandusky pedophile story and how a psychologist found him to be a possible pedophile in 1998. Robin said that this was in an internal PSU file where they found this information. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read about John Edwards and how he's denying using a prostitute. Howard asked what happened to that guy. He said he was doing fine and now he's got this. Howard said he gets caught doing everything. Robin read about what they claim happened in 2007.
Robin and Howard spent a little time talking about Tiger Woods winning yesterday. Howard said his buddy said he never thought he'd win again. Howard said he figured he'd get over that stuff and figure it out. Robin said that a lot of golfers change their swing and it takes a while to play well once you do something like that. Robin had some audio of Tiger talking about that win.
Robin read some news about the fights and bounties that football teams were paying players to take other players out. Robin said that the New Orleans Saints head coach may get a job working for FOX Sports.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Ugly Meter is bull. He said he thinks Howard is 100. Howard thanked him for that. The caller said that he really loves the Beetlejuice game. Howard said they have to test Beetlejuice with that Ugly Meter. The caller said he also thinks that DePace is a fucking idiot and an asshole. He said that he thinks he's more brilliant than everyone there. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go a short time later.
Robin read more about Whitney Houston's toxicology report and they say that she died of accidental drowning. Robin said that they say she had cocaine and a bunch of other drugs in her system. Howard said she lied to Oprah. Robin said she doesn't fault Oprah in that case. She said that drug addicts lie. Robin said the whole family says they didn't know she was on drugs again. Howard said he didn't know that Artie was on drugs. He said he had his suspicions but he wasn't sure. Robin asked what he would say if Oprah asked him what he thought about Artie on the last day he was there. Howard said he thought he was just good at napping and falling asleep anywhere. Howard said he would have to say that he did think he was on drugs the last day he was there. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read about Oprah Winfrey and how her cable network could lose $142.9 million this year.
Robin read about this case in Florida about the kid, Trevon Martin, who was shot dead. Robin said that they have a law in Florida that says you can shoot someone on your property if you feel they're threatening your life. Howard said that the 9-1-1 operator told the guy not to follow the kid. Robin said the guy never had to be involved with the kid. Robin said all the found on the kid was a soft drink and a bag of skittles. Robin said the kid is dead and everyone is up in arms. Howard said the 9-1-1 operator was great. He said that they told the guy not to follow the ''suspicious'' person. Robin said the guy was one of those guys who nominated himself to be a community watch guy. Howard said that he probably just wanted to be a cop like Elvis wanted to be a cop. Elvis used to pull people over like he was a real cop. Howard said that guy was the biggest embarrassment on the planet. He said the same people that worship Elvis are the same people voting for Rick Santorum.
Robin read about how the Pope is going to Cuba. Robin said he's traveling around and just left Mexico. Robin said that he was telling people to use prayer to get out of poverty and to end the drub problem there. Robin had some audio of the Pope speaking.
Robin read about the wife of Robert Bales who shot and killed some citizens in Afghanistan. Robin had some audio of the wife talking about what happened when she was told about what her husband had allegedly done.
Robin read about how the Supreme Court is going to be hearing about Obamacare. Robin had some details about that. Robin said they could rule in favor of it. She had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin said that they say letting your infant sleep in bed with you is dangerous and can lead to SIDS. Robin said they think that they're protecting their kids by letting them sleep in bed but they can end up rolling over on the kid.
Robin read about the Alec Baldwin airline meltdown and how they're going to seek reimbursement from anyone who causes delays on the tarmac. Robin said they want to charge people for misbehaving on flights. Howard said that's good. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:15am.
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Scott DePace came in and said that a 56 isn't that bad a score. He said that Jason's score was ridiculous though. Scott said that he knows that he's better looking than Gary. He said they should smile for the app. Jon said Scott is pretending it's not a big deal but it really is. He said he thinks that he's upset that he lost the contest. Scott said he beat Jon. JD said if he had beat Will then he'd be gloating about how he's better looking than them.
JD had a 52 and that's not that far from Scott. Scott said that he's better looking than Jon. Jon said he wouldn't say that. Scott asked JD who is better looking. JD said that Jon has kind eyes. He said that Scott has a scrooge nose.
Jon asked how Ronnie got a 0. Scott said he has a theory about that. JD said he thinks it's the facial hair. He said the app may have been thrown for a loop. Jon said that JD went in there expecting the worst. He asked if he was glad with the score. JD said he was happy he was above average. He said it wasn't nice of Gary saying he had triple chins. He said that Gary was sitting down when he had his picture taken and he mentioned that and Gary got upset. Jon said that Gary really hit him hard.
Scott asked why Gary is so competitive with him all the time. Jon said that they should ask Scott. Scott said he found it a little weird that Gary kept bringing it up today.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that DePace's problem is the ugliness inside. Scott asked if the app can tell his demeanor and his politics. Scott said that his insides are good and his family loves him. He said maybe he's not good around there at work though.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that it wasn't fair for Robin not to participate in this. He said that it screws the listeners. Jon said that Robin just didn't want to deal with it. He thinks she would have done well but he was surprised she didn't participate. Jon asked if anyone else didn't participate. Gary said everyone else was open for it. He said that Robin was the only one.
Gary said that he would have been disappointed if he got a 0. Scott said he'd like to know how many apps the guy sells. He also said that Brian Phelan took the test and got a 20.
Jon said that there is a part of Howard that is really bummed about the 34. Gary said of course he is. He wants to win at everything and he's very competitive. Gary said it's funny when Scott comes in and says he can ''win'' when it's not really something you know you can win. He said that it's very subjective. Gary said that the whole thing is so stupid.
Jon said that Scott was wondering why Gary was gloating so much. Gary said he was just busting his balls. He asked if Scott is really smarter than him if he doesn't understand he was busting balls.
Jon asked Gary if he believes that Leno got an 11. Gary said he does have an odd chin. JD said that it seemed like Gary was thinking about this whole thing the whole weekend.
Jon said the guy who took it too seriously was Benjy. He got a low score and then had the test retaken. Gary said Benjy told him he thought he was an 80. Benjy said he got a 67 and he would like them to treat him like a 67 from now on. Gary said it's still a failing test. Benjy said it's not a failing score. Jon said he thinks that they should average his two scores. Benjy said he wasn't trying to look sexy. He said he thinks he could end up in the 70s and 80s if he did try to look sexy. Jon said he looked devastated when they asked him to take his hat off. Benjy said he likes his look and he thinks he's ugly without the hat.
Jon asked Benjy what score he expected to get. Benjy said he wanted to get the app because he thought that it was going to be in the 80s. Benjy said he didn't want to spend the $4.95 on the app.
Scott asked Benjy what he thinks he would get if the app were perfect. He Benjy said he thinks he look average most of the time.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that maybe fat guys are making a comeback since Jason did so well. Jason said that it's what's underneath his fat. He said that it's the bone structure that the app goes by. Scott said Jason's nose is huge. Jason said that Scott is such a sore loser. He said his nose is too small.
Jon said that Jason clearly beat Scott so why can't he just take it. Scott said it's an inaccurate science and he knows Jason is much fatter than him. He said he knows he could get the better chick every time. Jason said that Scott is just ugly. Jason said that he doesn't have to attack him. They had to take a break a short time later.
Benjy said that he'd rather be a 0 than an 18. Benjy said that Ronnie can say that he's the ugliest guy in America. Benjy said he would rather get a 0 than what they got. He said that Jon got a 49 and it's easier to laugh at a 0.
Scott said that Leiberman is close to an 18. He said he thinks the app was right. Gary asked Scott if he thinks he's better looking than Leiberman. Scott said he does now. Leiberman said that he doesn't still photograph well.
Benjy said that he has started to see the ugliness in him. He said that it took a while to see it but now he can. He said he looked kind of distinct and handsome before but now he can see the ugly. Gary said that he finds it interesting on all levels because it still means something to everyone even though it doesn't mean anything. Gary said that Leiberman is upset but it really doesn't mean anything.
Doug Goodstein said that he shook the Magic 8 Ball and asked if he was good looking and it said yes. He said that's just as believable. Doug said that the whole thing is a crock of shit. Doug said the guys don't even know how to use their own app from what he saw. He said he's not sure who the 100 is.
Steve Brandano said that they asked the interns who they think are the best looking guys are and they say that it's Will and Gregg. The App said that they were the best looking too. He said that should say something about the app.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that this whole thing makes him feel better because he has big lips and fucked up teeth. He said that he's going to try out the app himself.
Ronnie came in and said that Jon is a weirdo. He said that he was saying he won't come in because a mask beat him. Ronnie said the fact that Sal's balls and cock beat him shows that the app is bull. JD said he has a theory. Ronnie said he knows that he was being used by those guys. He said that they told him he was being a good sport so he knows they were fucking with him. He said that there's an app on the iPhone that can fuck up your face and he knows that he could have used that picture to do the scan.
Gary asked why the guy would do that to him. Ronnie said that the guy wanted publicity. He said that he also remembers what the psychiatrist said about him being crazy. Ronnie said he doesn't care about any fucking number. He said that he told the guy to get the fuck away from him when he came out of the studio. Jon said they can test him again now if he wants. Ronnie said he won't do it until Robin does it. He said he really doesn't care. Jon said he does seem very upset. Ronnie said he really doesn't care.
Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks that Howard is really upset about this. Ronnie said he does but he shouldn't be bothered because he has a beautiful wife. Scott asked if he thinks that Howard is happy he got a 0. Ronnie said he thinks Howard is happy that he got the 0 and Leiberman got the 18.
Ralph called in and asked who the bar is and who is a 100. He said this test if symmetry is fucked up because everyone is off. He said there are people who have faces that aren't symmetrical and they're still beautiful. He said they don't know who came up with this and no one should be upset about what their scores are. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon told Donald about the app thing they did with the Ugly Meter. Donald said he did a movie audition once and he thought he did really well. He said the next morning he waited for his agent to call. The writer, director and producer all called in on one line. They told him they rewrote stuff and they have a whole new idea for the scenes. He said that the producer told him they loved what they did and why they weren't going to cast him. They told him that they felt he wasn't a guy next door kind of guy. Donald said that a woman came up to him once and told him he wasn't nearly as ugly as he was on the telly.
Gary and Jon said that Donald is in The Hunger Games. Gary said he wishes that it was a little darker than it was. He said that he's going to be in the second one and that will be a much more prominent role. Donald said that he hasn't seen that script yet. He said they felt that they had to do the movie the way they did so they could get younger people to see it. He said it's not a kids movie though.
Jon said it had to have exceeded everyone's expectations. He asked if it was him doing his job well. Donald said that it's striking a chord in young people. He said that young people want to take control of their destiny. That's what the movie is about.
Gary said that he went to see the movie with his son and his son knew that Donald was Keifer's father. He asked how he feels when that happens. Donald said it's great and he'll be doing a movie with his son this summer.
Benjy said that he was looking up information on the web and he sees that he has a son named Angus. He said Will who works there has a brother named Angus. Donald said he doesn't care. He said he was trying to tell a story. He said that he was told he couldn't name his son Redford. He said that he changed his name to a family member who died in the war. He said it turns out that it wasn't the right guy he named him after. He said that the person who died was Lou.
Benjy didn't understand what he was saying so he kept trying to figure it out. Jon told Donald that he was caught in the Benjy vortex. Donald told the guys some other stories about movies that he's shot.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's a big fan of his movies and especially Invasion of the Body Snatchers and MASH. He said that Animal House was great too. He said that he's a great admirer of his. Donald thanked him for that.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that she wondered if she could do his famous line from Animal House for her. She said that it was ''would anyone like to smoke some pot?'' Donald said he didn't even remember that. Jon said they had to wrap up after that. Donald said that you should go see The Hunger Games. Benjy asked if he's on Twitter. Donald said he's 76 and he's lucky to even have a computer. Gary said a goodbye to the great Burt Suger who passed away this weekend. Everyone got in their plugs and they ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started the show talking about an article in Consumer Reports where they talk about the new iPad running very hot. Howard said he has one and it doesn't run hot. Howard said Wired.com ran a test and it didn't run hot either. Robin said maybe it's a one in a million thing. She said some people are reporting a hot tablet.
Howard said he tried getting into his iMac this morning and he wasn't able to get into it. Howard said he wasn't able to get the keyboard to work. He said it was very upsetting. He said he always has problems. Robin said she does too. She said technology comes with problems. Howard said it angers him.
Howard said that Gina Lynn is going to be coming in today. She's a porn star and she's been there a couple of times. Howard said she's not sure exactly why but he expects that she's got a new project. Howard said she's out of porn but she goes on cams and masturbates for guys. Howard said he's not sure what the distinction is between that and porn.
Howard said Gina was at a party that Robin threw for him once. She came there in body paint. Howard said she's divorced and her ex-husband still lives with her and bangs her once in a while. Howard said that seems pretty standard for marriage to him. Howard said they'll talk to her later.
Howard said the band Train will be coming in today too. He said they have a new album out. Howard said he heard a cover of a Rihanna song that Pat did and it was very good. Howard said he heard that they were going to break up years ago but they keep going on. Howard said they're very nice guys. Howard said they're very loyal to them. Robin said they're loyal to people who are talented.
Howard played audio of the reporter asking Santorum about saying Mitt Romney is the worst person to make the republican nominee and Santorum told him he was lying. Howard had just played the clip of him saying exactly what the reporter had written. Santorum told him that was bullshit. The reporter said he's not distorting his words.
Howard said the guy is a fucknut. He said he's nuts. Howard said the guy has 7 kids. He asked who has 7 kids. Howard said he has to stop it. It's enough. We have too many people.
Howard said this story that's been weighing on him is the kid who was shot just for wearing a hoodie. Howard said the guy who shot the kid is claiming self defense but the guy who shot the kid is the one who instigated it. Howard said the story is crazy. Robin said the guy who shot the kid is claiming he was attacked first but what he was really doing was stalking the kid who had just left the convenience store. Robin said people have come forward and said he's an admirable guy. Howard said he should just stay home. Howard said we don't need people like this.
Howard said that it's big news in their world but he's not sure. Howard said that he doesn't question anything. He said it's up to them how they want to do this stuff. He said he's just a judge on the show. He said he's going to get a little pro-active and he's going to send Jeff the Drunk out with a sandwich board and get some people to notice. He said he's just kidding about that. Robin thought he was going to give Jeff something to do. Howard said he would hire homeless people all over the world to advertise. Howard said no one would listen to him though.
Howard said when more than one person is doing an interview it's annoying if someone takes you off on a tangent. Howard said there has to be one interviewer. Maybe two. He said that it's Jon and Gary. He said Benjy took him off in another direction.
Howard said he was enjoying the interview but then Benjy would bring it into another direction. He played a clip from yesterday's Wrap Up Show with Jon and Gary introducing Donald Sutherland and then Benjy asks him about his son Angus and telling him that Will has a brother named Angus. Howard asked if that was supposed to be funny. Benjy said it was. Howard said Donald said he didn't care which was funny. Donald said he was in the middle of telling a story. He told a story and Benjy didn't understand it. Benjy was confused and trying to get the information out of him and Jon cut them off saying that he was in the Benjy Vortex.
Howard asked Benjy if he was trying to be funny there. Benjy said he was actually confused and he was trying to get the story. Gary said he doesn't think he really didn't understand. Benjy said he asked a couple of other people who didn't get it but some people did. Benjy said he understood it just hearing it now. He didn't get it yesterday.
Howard said he's not going to pick on Benjy because Benjy is just Benjy. Howard said some people thought he was being disrespectful. Howard said he didn't think he was but he ruined the segment.
Howard read some email from some fans who didn't think Benjy had any business being in there. Benjy said he's not always great. Howard said sometimes he is. Howard said he doesn't have any examples of that but he's sure he has been.
Howard said the other thing people wrote in about was the Ugly Meter app. Howard said someone wrote in and told them that the meter is a total gag app. Howard said that one guy wrote in and said that it has a secret button to pad the ratings if you want to fuck with someone. Howard said he doesn't think they were messing with them. Howard said he thinks it really does do what they say.
Howard said Christina has those sloppy titties hanging out and he just wants her to put them away. He said she's overweight and they're just not attractive. Howard said that she has that plastic thing on her head and she looks like Magneto from X-Men.
Howard said Beth called him yesterday and he was watching a Batman cartoon. Howard said she laughed at him but said it was good he was relaxing. Howard said this was a Legion Of Doom episode and they had all of the super heroes dead but then this guy Bane beats the shit out of Batman and buries him alive with his parents. Howard said he tells the league of doom that he did something better than kill him. Howard said Batman does this karate thing where he's able to get out of the grave. Howard said he punched through the dirt and got out of the grave.
Howard said Batman gets out and goes and saves all of the others. Howard said he doesn't like Wonder Woman though. He said he never did. Howard said the cartoon is good though. He said it's called Legion of Doom. He said there's one guy who is called Mirror Man and there's like 100 of him but it's not really him. He said Superman has a Kryptonite bullet in him and it doesn't kill him. He said that this guy goes in and pulls it out and he's fine. Howard said no one dies. Even the League of Doom didn't die.
Howard said he did a marathon of TV yesterday. He said he really loves TV. He said that he had to watch The Voice to see his commercial. He said it was just a 20 second promo. He said he's not sure if he'll ever see it again. Gary said JD is pulling the audio now.
Howard said he had two resume's that he used to send out. He said one was for show business and the other was just for work. Howard said he drove up to WBLM in Maine to work on the weekends when no one else would work. Howard said he gave a tape to the guy and the guy kicked him out. Howard said this was in Maine. He said that they tell you to go to small markets and even they wouldn't hire him. Howard said that his briefcase was packed with all kinds of stuff. He said he had his resumes in there and he would say that he worked at WNTN in Newton but he worked there for 2 weeks and the guy refused to pay him. Howard said the guy said he was horrible and refused to pay him.
Howard said he was so desperate to get a job that he took to do media planning. Howard said he didn't even know what it was. Howard said he went in for the interview and told them he was good at math and they hired him. Howard said his skin turned orange when he got the job. Howard said he can't add two numbers together and he was miserable. Howard said he was told he didn't have to wear a tie and his boss seemed to like him. He said he was on the phone with Rabbis trying to buy ads. Howard said that he would ask when the ads were going to come out and the Rabbi would say that it will come out when it comes out. He said he'd tell his mother that and she'd say that's right and maybe the job wasn't for him. He ended up quitting without giving notice. Then he got another job working at the same place but the fired him when they found out because he hadn't given notice.
Howard said he got his job doing radio and he wormed his way in full time eventually. He said he was glad he was miserable. Howard said he would buy commercials as a media planner and how they would buy a block of ads to get the word out. He said he's surprised they don't do stuff like that with AGT.
The caller told Howard that they will be pushing the show as it gets closer to the air date. Howard said he did book some shows that he'll be doing closer to that time. Howard said he's not that concerned about it. Robin asked what he's booked. Howard said he doesn't know yet. He said he'll tell her in a few days. He said he forgot what they were. He said he did agree to go on a few talk shows. Howard said a couple were in L.A. but he said he's not going back to L.A. Howard said he loves Jimmy Kimmel but he hates getting on a plane. Robin asked if he'll do the satellite thing with him again. Howard said he hates that so he's not going to do that again. Howard said he saw that Jimmy is hosting the Emmy's so he's happy for him about that.
Howard cleared his throat off mic and blamed it on Benjy. Howard said he had the audio of his AGT commercial. He played that and they have a lot of Howard in the promo. Howard said you have to see the visual. He said they show him at the judging table. Robin said he sounds like Superman's father Jor-El. Howard said the visual is very dramatic. Robin said it sounds like one of those gladiator things like someone is going to die.
Ed said he thinks he's going to quit the show. Howard said that's fine. Ed told him to wait a minute. Ed said he can't listen on the computer anymore and he doesn't take his calls anymore. Howard said he can't take his calls all the time. He said he can't just take his call and every other Wack Packer's call.
Howard said Ed was calling in all day about getting a porn star pregnant. Howard said he knows it's horse shit. Ed said it's not horse shit. He said that she missed her period and they were fucking for 3 weeks. Howard said that's very irresponsible. He said he shouldn't be fucking without a rubber. Ed said he's going to give it away. Ed said they'll give it to her mother and she'll take care of it with SSI or something. Robin said that's just great.
Howard said now we're stuck taking care of his kid. Ed said that's not his problem. Howard said that Ed is a moocher and he's not for people like that taking SSI. Ed said he can't work. Howard said he could work. He said if they took away the SSI he'd find a job. Ed said he'd be out robbing people. Howard said they could shoot him then. Ed said he'd be shooting the people. Ed said he's 40 and he'd be the one killing people. Howard said that's a shitty way to look at things. Ed said he's going to take that back and said he'd figure something else out. Howard said of course he would.
Ed said he has another mother fucker there who gives out his personal information. He said he can't be too ''pacific'' about it. Howard said he's sorry he quit the show. Ed said he's back. He said he has to guarantee him that he'll be ''more better'' about it. Howard said this is a horrible conversation. He said he can't do this. Howard let him go. Robin said she hopes that girl isn't pregnant. Howard said if she is he hopes she'll have an abortion. Howard said we want abortion for babies like that. Howard said they can't let Ed have a kid and have it on SSI. He said it's just ridiculous.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he's ready to be the sandwich board guy. Howard said this is another guy looking for a hand out. Jeff asked if he knows about AGT. He said he sent in a tape. Howard had no idea what he was talking about. Jeff said they didn't decide on him yet. Jeff said you can see his tape at JeffCurro.com
Ham Hands Bill called in and said that his father is ill and he was wondering if he could do a quick prayer for him. Howard said he could do that. Howard prayed to Jesus for Ham Hands Bill in his hour of need. Howard did that for a minute and threw in a couple of ''Ooga booga'' things too.
Bill asked if he could come to the taping of AGT. Howard asked if he has to tend to his father. Bill said he thinks he'll still be around. Howard said he'd like him to bring his dad to the taping. Bill said his dad is 92 so he's up there in age. Howard said his dad is 89. He said his dad always says ''80's batey'' and he's not sure what that even means. Howard said this is the man who told him ''I told you not to be stupid you moron.'' Howard said he should just whip out everything his dad said to him and whack him in the face with it. Howard said he could ask him what the fuck is wrong with him and tell him he can't do anything and he's not funny. Howard said he could talk about not carrying a picture of him like they didn't carry pictures of their kids.
Bill told Howard about how his father is in and out of it. Howard said it's funny hearing him speak seriously after being used to hearing him talking about panties and stuff. Howard said in all seriousness he hopes his dad is okay. Howard said he'll try to help Bill get into the AGT taping. Howard said he had better not be lying.
Howard said they're all coming out of the woodwork now. He said he had Debbie the Pet Lady on the line too. Debbie was yelling immediately about how they're trying to get her to quit the show. Howard said that she's being very un-lady like. He said she's using the f-word every second. Debbie said that Howard owes her. She said that he fucked her and she has to stay with the show another year. Howard said she just hung up. Howard said it turns out she throws her phone against the wall and breaks it when she gets mad. Howard said people think that's an act but it's really not. He said you see it on Howard TV and see just how tortured she really is.
Howard said they have an epidemic of elevators not working correctly in the city and they really should have perfected that by now. Howard said he's on a roll but he has to take a break.
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Howard came back and said that prank call is great with Arnold. He said he could listen to that all day long. Howard said he was reading the news about this District Attorney down in Florida and she looks like a kid but she's 46 years old. Howard said she's hot.
Howard said he doesn't hear people doing great music like this Queen song anymore. Howard let the song play a little longer and asked if this was on Bohemian Rhapsody. Fred told Howard what else was on the album. Howard sang along with the song a little bit. Fred said the album was called Jazz.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her news preview. Lisa scored a 72 on the Ugly Meter yesterday. Lisa said that Howard has a wife who was a 92.
Lisa told Howard they have a story about Sal posing with High Pitch Mike with for foreskin Friday. She said they also have a story about a guy who found a cassette tape of Sal singing a rock song before he became a rapper. Howard said if he knew that they were going to get paid to cover Sal he would have shut them down.
Lisa told Howard about Jason breaking a belt under the stress of his stomach. Howard said he has to lose some weight. Howard said he should start today. Lisa said Jason says he isn't ready to start yet. Howard said that he only has one shot at this life and he has to take care of his body. He said he should move around a little bit.
Lisa said they have a story about Bobo surviving anal fissure surgery but he's in a lot of pain. Lisa said that they are going to let him attend the AGT tapings in a couple of weeks.
Howard said Gina claims she's not in porn but she's on web cams getting naked and masturbating for guys. Gina said she's not fucking guys on film anymore. She said after a while she wasn't enjoying it anymore so she had to get out of it. She said it's not what it used to be. She said it got horrible. Gina said the way people treated her wasn't right. She said they had no respect for her on set. Howard said maybe it's due to the way the business has changed over the years. Gina said that girls will come in and work for pennies now and things have changed. She said that guys are willing to pay to see her porn so she's a high end girl.
Howard asked how long she was in porn. Gina said it was over 10 years. She said that she had some favorite guys that she would bang. Howard asked what she would do when she had to bang a guy that wasn't a favorite. She said that sometimes the pretty guys weren't as good as the mediocre guys. She said that they weren't all able to make her feel good inside. Howard asked what she would do to get wet when she was with a guy she wasn't attracted to. She said she was able to get worked up. She said she'd just imagine someone else.
Howard asked if she used lube. Gina said she had to. She said that they do a lot of stop and go so they have to use lube. Howard asked how guys last a long time. Howard said he can't do that. Howard said it's impossible to hold back at times. Howard said he lasts maybe 2 and a half minutes. Gina said ''Oh my god!'' She told Howard that Beth must be really good. Howard said she is. Howard said he's tried to hold back and he can't. Gina said the guys are mentally prepared for that. Howard said he thinks they're gay. Howard said if he's holding out for an hour then there's something wrong with her. Howard said she must be a dude.
Gina said she likes it to go on long. She said she had a guy that lasted a long time. She said they can go on for a really long time. Gina said that she gets choked and a slap on the face too. Howard said he'd have to beat her to death.
Howard asked if Gina is out of the house with her husband. She said she is now. She said they would fuck once in a while but the last time was over a year ago. She said that she loves sex. Gina said the older she gets the more she loves it. She loves men and not women so much.
Howard asked what he has to pay to see her jerk off in front of him. Gina said she's on a service called StreamMate and you can get on and see her there. Howard asked when she's on. She said she tells people when she's going to be on. She said that she gets annoyed by guys on there. She said that she can only last 3 hours. Gina said that they have to get into the room and get them to pay and they're just in there saying stupid shit. Howard asked what kind of stupid things. She said they ridicule you. She said they're telling her that she's a dumb blonde and her lips are too big and things like that. She said that they'll tell you what to wear and things like that too. Gina said that guys who are the best are the small penis humiliation guys. She said that they want her to make fun of their small penis and she can see them on cam. She said that she's seen them with a pen cap sized penis. She said they get off on that when she tells them they're pathetic. She said she's really not good at it though. She said she's submissive and she's not good. She said they're rock hard when they're that small too.
Howard asked Gina what she does when she's on cam. Howard asked if she's nude. She said she's clothed. She said that they can bring her into a room where they get her exclusive for $11.99 per minute. She said she only gets 40 percent of that. Howard tried to do the math to figure out what she's making. Gina wasn't even sure what 40 percent of $12 was. Howard said she should know that. Gina said she can look it up and figure it out. She said that it's all on a product report. Howard said he's up shits creek trying to figure it out.
Gina said she's on a higher rate of paid girls. She said she does all kinds of things and uses toys for the guys. Howard said he wouldn't want to see the inside of her vagina. She said she doesn't get too graphic. She said she rubs the outside. Howard asked Robin if she would spread her legs and show the whole vagina. Robin said she'd be on humiliating guys about their penis.
Howard asked Gina if she's ever been with a guy who was really tiny. She said that the guy was really tall and he had a really small penis. She said that he worked at Red Lobster and he was cute. She said she never called the guy back after that time. Gina said that she was hoping it would grow more but it didn't. Gina said the good thing is that you put lube on the penis and then you suck on that. She said that the guys love the lube with your lips on top of that. Howard asked Robin if she likes the taste of lube. Robin said she's never tasted it. Gina said she loves it because the guy is so turned on.
Howard said he can see that Gina is a Sexpert. He said that she must have learned from someone. Gina said she just loves sex. She said that whatever makes the guy the hardest is going to excite her.
Howard asked how big this guy's penis was. She said it was maybe 4 1/2 to 5 inches. She said she wasn't able to feel anything. She said she just wanted to get out of there. Howard said maybe it's because she's so sexually active.
Gina said she's with a guy who is really big now. She said this guy is 9 and thick. Howard asked what he does. She said he's a professional. She said she can't say anything else. Gina said that she's a secret in his life too. Howard asked what he does for a living. Gina said she can't say. Howard asked if it was Rick Santorum. Gina said he's not an actor. She said he's like a Yale guy. Robin asked if they would know him. Gina said she doesn't want to talk about it. She said the only thing that matters is that he has a big penis.
Howard asked where Gina met this guy. She said she was having dinner at a bar in a hotel and it was just one of those things. She said he was just good looking and he bought her a drink. She said she didn't fuck him that night. She said she met him like a week and a half later. Howard asked if she knew he had a big penis. She said she had no idea. Howard asked if he's married. Gina said she doesn't know.
Howard asked if he's like a sugar daddy. Gina said he does take care of her. She said they're making her look bad. Howard said he's not making any judgments.
Gina said that she's so happy right now that she has her own life. She said that she's out of her husband's house and he's with another girl now. Howard said he read that she banged some famous baseball player and her husband blurted it out on the air. Gina said that it was a hockey player and not a baseball player. Gina said that the marriage was tough and they both held so much in. She said that they got married early on and they would see each other working with other people and it was torture. Gina said that he got caught up in things and he was show boating the whole thing. She said that he'd forget about her and take pictures with other women. She said that now that they're broken up he admits that he fucked up. Gina said there's no way they'd ever get back together. She said they're still good friends but she's not in love with him. She said she loves his kids too.
Howard asked what she does to her new guy in bed. Gina said that she has squirted on film before and this guy she's with now made her squirt. She said that she used to only be able to do it with finger banging but this guy did it with his penis. Gina said that she has done other guys in the past 2 years and she didn't know he'd take it that bad. She said that she really doesn't want that kind of relationship.
Howard asked Gina about being in Penthouse. She said she's the Penthouse Pet for April. Gina said she's very proud of the pictures. She said they have to see the pictures. Howard checked them out and said she does look good. Gina said she's on the cover too. Howard said she looks good on the cover too. Howard saw one shot that showed her with a finger inside of her. Howard asked how long she's been able to keep a guy on camera with her. Gina said that one day she made like $980 in 3-4 hours. She said that was just one guy. She said that some guys will keep her in a room for a long time and they can give what they want.
Gina said she really can't deal with the guys that long but some girls will do it all day long. She said one guy wanted her to do a number 2 and she can't even do that. She said she can't do that in a hotel room with her guy in the room. Gina said that they will ask her to pee and she can't do that either. Howard said Robin would do that. Robin said she would not.
Howard asked Gina about being on cam and what she'd do if he asked her to make a doody. Howard asked if he stays on the line anyway. She said that he'll probably log off and log on with some other girl. She said someone must be doing something icky on that site.
Howard asked how much a girl can make on those cam sites. She said they can make 6 figures. Howard asked if some of the girls are slobs. She said there are some and they do the dirty stuff. Howard said if he was a 3 and not a 10 he'd be making doody.
Gina said she's not into anal. She said she did try it. She said that this guy she's with now will cum on her face and she likes that. She said she loves to please men and that's why she loves it. She knows it pleases her man.
Howard said maybe Gina could pretend to drop a Tootsie Roll out of her ass on cam. She said that she can't do that. She said they know that she doesn't do it. Howard told her to just try it and reuse it for the next guy.
Howard said that Gina is in the April edition of Penthouse. You can find out more about her at GinaLynn.com. Gina said someone hacked into her Twitter account and stole money from her bank accounts. She said that he's a crazy stalker guy. She said that this just happened on Friday. She said that he asked her to do 30 minutes of Skype with him and he'd give her back her accounts. Gina said that she's afraid to do that and she's afraid that he'll find out where she lives. Gina said that the account is still has swastikas and stuff on the account. Howard said that the guy pretends to be Gina Lynn. He read some of the tweets he wrote @TheGinaLynn.
Gina said she thinks that he's a disgruntled fan that she didn't give enough attention to. She said that she and her ex had an email that was common to her and her boyfriend. She said that's where he sent the email about giving her accounts back to her. Gina said they called the police and they're doing something about it now.
Howard gave Gina some more plugs and then Gina offered to show her boobs. Howard said he'd check them out. She took them out and Howard said she does look good. Howard said those things are big. She said they're a 34-D. Howard said they're implants but they look spectacular. Howard told Robin to come in and feel them. Robin told him not to be ridiculous. Howard said Robin danced with her once. She was into her. Robin told him to stop it.
A caller asked if Gina responded about Santorum saying he was an actor. Howard said he did say that earlier.
Brian Phelan wanted to touch Gina's boobs. Brian came in and said that he has all kinds of medical problems like Scoliosis of the liver. Gina laughed but let him touch her boobs. Brian copped a feel and got out of there. Howard said that might be her hacker right there. Gina said that could be. Howard gave her some more plugs and went to break a short time later. Gina also got in a plug for Harry Connor (HarryConnor.com) who shot her photos.
Howard came back and said that was their song right there. The guys in Train were in the studio and started playing along with the Zeppelin song... sort of. Howard said he was mixing in the band and jamming with Zeppelin.
Howard said he was there with Train and he couldn't be happier for them. They had a big hit song last year. Howard asked how they did with the album. Pat said that they sold a million albums and 10 million single downloads. He said that's like 2 million albums. Howard said they must make their money touring. Pat said that's how they do it. Howard said it's got to be hard touring all the time.
Pat said they played South By Southwest and they were leaving and one of the bands said that they love them when they were saying goodbye. Pat said that's new age stuff that they just don't do.
Howard said he was at SXSW and he had never heard of it before this year. Pat said it's gotten huge over the years. Pat said Rachel Ray was down there and they played her barbecue. He said that she's a huge fan. Howard asked if they're just out touring constantly and raking in the dough. Pat said they're out there just having fun and enjoying each other's company. He said they're friends now and they get along. Howard said they've come full circle. Howard said Joe Perry and Steven Tyler are out there talking shit about each other.
Pat said that he got on Twitter first thing this morning and he someone had written that they were going to be on Howard and they fucking suck.
Howard asked if Pat and the guys fought a lot. Pat said it wasn't a lot of fighting. He said that they had a lot of ego and they were frustrated with the way things were going. Howard asked Scott, the drummer, if Pat was the problem. Scott said he thinks they all felt like they were nothing without each other. Howard said Steven Tyler said that the band was riding his coattails. Scott said that these days he feels he's lucky to be playing with this guy (Pat) because of the things he's done for him. Howard said he just had to accept that Pat is god. Scott said that Pat is very nice now that he has accepted him as god.
Howard asked Jimmy if that's true. Jimmy said that Pat is a really fair guy. He said that they don't have a lot of rules they have to deal with. Howard said that he must have thought that Pat was an ogre. Scott said they just blame everything on the guys who are gone.
Howard said Pat is the guy writing the songs and the guys should be more grateful. Pat said he started the band with a guy who isn't there anymore. He said that they wrote the songs but then as the guys came in they started contributing and the other guy, who is gone now, would make rules.
Pat said that you have to appreciate each other. He said that they have a couple of new guys there. Howard asked one of the guys, Hector, if he has asked to be in the band. Hector said he doesn't speak English. He spoke perfect English. Howard asked how he got into the band and agreed to take a day rate. He said he loves what he's doing. Pat said he thinks that they're providing them a great job. He said they're making great money.
Howard asked Hector if he wants to be in the band and who would make that decision. Pat, Scott and Jimmy would make that decision. Pat said that Hector wasn't able to pay his rent when he met him. He said he gave him some money to help him out when he met him. Howard said that they're treating Hector like a migrant worker. Hector said playing music is his life so he's glad he has a job.
Jerry is a guitar player and he isn't an official member of the band. He's been with them for 15 years as their tour manager and as their guitar player. Jerry said that he doesn't want to be in the band. Pat said they get to contribute and they get paid for that too. Howard asked if they have to tell the girls they meet that they're not in the band. Hector said he never tells the girls he's in the band. He said he just tells them that he plays ''with'' Train.
Howard asked Pat about the new album (California 37) and how that came about. Pat told Howard they had a couple of big hits and they were told to just go and make a fun album. Pat said that he read about Gwen Stefani talking about how she made more money in a year selling clothes than she did doing music. He hopes she's not done in the music business though because he thinks she's great.
Howard said he read that Pat is worth about $32 million. He asked Hector if he's worth 32 grand. Howard asked Pat about his kids and how he isn't home to see them much. Pat said he gets home. Howard asked how often he is home. Pat said he can be home for several weeks but then he's away for several weeks. Howard asked if he's getting nay on the side. Pat said he's just crazy in love with his wife and things get better and better. He said he's very lucky to have her. He said that they have a great time together. He said he compares it to what Johnny Cash and June Carter had. He said he feels like he has that kind of connection.
Howard asked Hector some more questions and Pat said he's a really great guy. He said Jerry is too. Howard said they're great but they'll never be in Train. Howard said that's just the way it is. Howard said he feels bad for the guys since they're playing every day and not being allowed in the band.
Howard said the guys are going to play a song off the new album today. Pat said the song they're going to play is a hit all over the world in the strangest places. He said that he had no idea this was going to be the big hit. Pat said that they have more to offer off this album and he thinks they will have more hits.
Howard said they're going to be performing the song ''Drive By'' and Pat said it's about meeting his wife and how he fell in love. Howard said that ''Hey Soul Sister'' was about his wife too. He said ''Calling All Angels'' was about his ex-wife. Pat said that it was a call for help. Howard asked if he's getting along with his ex-wife. Pat said they text. Howard asked if she texts ''I hate you.'' Pat said that's it pretty much. He said she actually texts him about the kids.
Howard said this song is about Pat's wife and when he realized he was in love. Howard had the guys perform the song ''Drive By'' a short time later.
After the song Howard said he's going to put them through to the next round. He said they should try out for America's Got Talent. He said he forgot, that's his other job.
Howard said that the four of the guys, other than Scott, all harmonize. He said he really likes that. Howard asked if they work that out ahead of time so they know who is taking the high and low parts. Pat and the guys demonstrated again how they do it. Howard said that no one does that anymore. He said Crosby Stills and Nash used to do it.
Pat said that they have to credit their wives and mangers to be different with their music. Howard said he didn't want ''Hey Soul Sister'' to be a hit because Pat would have to sing in that high voice all the time. Pat said he's lucky that he gets better the more he sings so he doesn't wear out his voice. He said that it is very high but he can do it. Pat said they were on Letterman last night and he did the same song but his performance was about an 8 out of 100. Pat said today was much better. He said he's kind of upset with himself about last night's performance.
Jerry said that Pat is hard on himself. He said that Pat won't talk about it after a performance like that. The guys said that Pat warned them that he was going to be in a bad mood today. Pat said that he had an ear monitor in last night and it worked the opposite of the way he thought it was going to.
Howard said that Pat cares about how he does and he just fucked it up by changing the way he does things. Howard said if he doesn't want to use the monitor in his year then don't do it. Pat said that's the logical way of looking at it. Scott said he thought Pat did great last night. Howard said it would be rough if they found Pat hanging in his room after doing the song. He asked if the guys were willing to say Pat was an 8. No one would say it was. Howard asked Pat if he was a 10 today. Pat said he had a good feeling about it but he never wants to hear it played back. Pat said he had to watch Letterman last night because he wasn't able to sleep. He said his thoughts on the song were right because he still thought it was an 8.
Howard said he's heard Johnny Depp talking about how he can't watch his own performances. Howard said no one can. Pat said he loves when Howard talks about actors describing their roles and how awful that is. Howard said it really is awful.
Howard asked Pat and the guys if they ever want to mentor anyone like they do on some of those music shows. The guys said they did that in Germany but none of the kids spoke English.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if the guys could play ''Calling All Angels'' for him. Howard said they've done that on the show before. Howard said he'll do it for him instead. The guys played some music and Howard sang a little bit of the song. Fred played a dog howling behind him. Howard said he makes the song his own when he sings a song. Robin said Pat was wondering if that was really his song.
Howard sang more of ''Calling All Angels'' with Hector. Howard had Robin cracking up. Howard said he loves jamming. He said that's really his thing. Howard asked Pat to just do a chorus of it for him so he could get it back. Pat and the guys did that real quick.
The caller asked if Mariann from Brooklyn and Debbie the Pet Lady could join in with Howard. Howard said he loves that song. He said they play it on Coffee House all the time. Pat said they like going through their songs and that song and Soul Sister is another one that really hits with people and they go back to where they were in their lives at the time they wrote them.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who asked Hector if he would suck a man's dick to stay in the band if he had to. Hector said he has done that and he's wondering what the question is there.
Howard said that one of his favorite songs is this one. He played ''Give Robin Anal'' which was a parody of ''Calling All Angels.'' Howard asked if they like parodies like that. Pat said he loves it, especially on this show.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Pat's Led Zeppelin covers are the greatest. The caller said that their song Hey Soul Sister wasn't really their first hit but that's the way Howard is making it out. Howard said he's not saying it was. The caller also told Howard he's awesome.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that she saw Pat at a rodeo singing ''Marry Me'' and he ran around the ring the whole time. Howard said Pat keeps the weight off that way. Pat said that's a cool way to go sing with people. He said that was at a rodeo so it was a long way to run out and get to the people. Howard said that Pat is such a workout freak that he does kettle bell work outs during some of his songs.
The caller asked Howard why he says that country stars are all talent less. Howard said he never said that. He said they might be second rate. Pat said there are some authentic country artists and then there are pop singers who make themselves into country stars because they weren't able to make it as pop singers. He said that's a fact. Howard said he's a judge now so he knows. Pat asked Robin if Howard is tough to deal with now. Robin said it is getting out of control. Howard said he's going to be great on AGT. Pat said he can't wait to see the show.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and stated to sing one of their songs. Howard hung up on her. Howard asked where the guys are going to be this week. Pat said they're going to be the house band on Rachel Ray's show. He said they're going to try and get on America's Got Talent too. Howard said he'll take them with him. Howard gave the guys a plug for their album ''California 37'' and their wine company that they have now. Howard asked how that got started and the guys told him how it worked out and how it's taking off. They got a 92 score in Wine Spectator. Pat said the money goes to charity from the sales of the wine. You can find out more at SaveMeSFWineCo.com.
Pat told Howard they learned a Guess Who song for him. They were going to do that but Howard said he heard they do a Van Halen cover too. He asked them to do that first. They did a little bit of ''Dance the Night Away'' for Howard. Then they performed The Guess Who's ''These Eyes.''
After the song Howard said that was very nice. He said that's a hard song to sing. He said not everyone can sing that. He said that's Burton Cummings who sang that song. Howard said Robin was hypnotized during that song. He said she self fertilized during that song. She's pregnant with 8 fetuses right now. Howard said that's a fact. Howard said that's the last song he'd think they'd cover but it was great. pat said he likes to cover songs from great singers. He said he likes to cover songs that are very hard to sing. He said that's why ''Hey Soul Sister'' is a great one for him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the last time he called in he got hung up on. Robin said it was about to happen again. The caller said that the Guess Who song was amazing. He said that they did a great job with it. Howard said Pat redeemed himself for his Letterman appearance. Pat said if he's going to do it right he'd rather do it right there on this show.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that these guys are great live. He said Howard has to see them live. Howard said he has. The caller said Pat has a lot of range. He said that Hector works his ass off too. He said that Hector had him up to his room to hang out on a cruise once. Pat said that Hector's nickname used to be Petroneo because when he'd drink Petrone he'd get very friendly. The caller said that he just hung out and talked about family and life for hours. Robin said that sounds lovely.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he got chills from that song. He said that he used to get douche chills from their appearances but today it was just chills.
Howard thanked the guys for coming in and wished them luck on a future Grammy. Howard said that when Pat thanked him during his speech it put it over the top for him with his wife. Pat said that they've been huge supporters of them and they really appreciate it. He said that people will come up to them and say they're great when they're on Howard Stern. Howard wished the guys luck with the new album and went to break a short time later.
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After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to Gary the Retard using Eric the Midget audio clips. Fred also played AC/DC's ''Back in Black'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said he was talking to the boys about future guests. Howard said they were telling him about a woman who has a business that sounds crazy. He said he'll wait to talk to her on the air. Howard said it sounds just crazy. Howard said he can't imagine she's making money.
Howard said that Al Troutwig said ''bulging dick'' instead of bulging disc during a news report. Howard played the clip. Howard said that happens a lot apparently. He said he had another one from a news report on a CW channel. Howard played that one too. That guy started laughing a few seconds after he screwed up.
Howard played another clip where a news reporter said ''perimeter shit'' instead of ''shot'' during a report. Howard said this one is hard to hear but there's a PGA event and some guy yells out something that sounds like ''Sauce on side!'' in regards to his Chun Lee orders. Howard played that clip and it did sound like ''Sauce on side.'' Robin thought that's what it was. Howard replayed it.
Howard said Robin was sort of on Jeopardy. Howard played that clip and the category was Celebrity Veterans. Robin was one of the answers. No one got it. One woman answered ''Robin Givens'' which is a common mistake for Robin Quivers.
Howard said Herman Cain released a new song. Howard played some of the song and it was a parody about Robin. They had clips of the fake Herman Cain talking about Robin in the song.
Howard said Jon Leiberman has been grousing about his 18 score in that Ugly Meter clip. Howard said they've created bumper for him when he comes in with the news. Richard Christy sang about him getting that 18.
Howard said he didn't know that the guy Rick (Andrew Lincoln) in The Walking Dead was actually from Australia. Howard played a clip from GEEKTIME when they had him on recently and he was speaking in his Australian accent. Howard said he's also right about the word ''mate'' being British. Howard said that he got confirmation from someone who lived there for years. Howard said that this guy says that ''mate'' came out of them all the time there.
Howard said he got a lot of email about the Ugly Meter app. He said he read some earlier but he has a ton of it. Howard read a few of those. Howard said one guy said he saw photos of Gary during his book tour and they felt he was very handsome. Howard said this person thought that he was more handsome than Will. Howard asked Robin if she sees that. Robin said it's just his teeth. She said you take those away and he's George Clooney.
Howard said Ronnie's goatee is out of control according to this emailer. Howard said that they asked him to shave it off. Howard said it is a little outrageous. Robin said that's probably how he ended up with the 0 in the Ugly Meter.
Howard read a few more emails and one of them was about Eric the Midget. Howard said this person said there is no way anyone should refer to him as an actor. The writer asked him to make the movie ''Club Footloose'' like he mentioned yesterday. Howard said that someone wants him to be on The Walking Dead as a zombie next.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thought the best moment on TV was when he saw Howard's AGT commercial. He said he was jumping up and down like a kid when he saw it.
Howard said they sent him that commercial for approval. He said he thought it was fantastic. He said it's weird to see him at a judging table. The caller said that he thought it was great. Howard said it's a cool little promo spot. Robin said she can't wait for America to look at him with new eyes.
Howard said America has no idea what's going to hit them. The caller said that was right in the middle of The Voice. Howard said he was excited about it.
The caller asked if he had any tickets for the New York tapings. Howard asked Gary if he had any. Gary said they were out for Tampa and they can start giving away New York tickets. Howard told Gary to give some to this guy. Howard said that taping should be wild. Robin said she was asked if she wanted tickets and she absolutely does.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he had ever been dragged to a nude beach. Howard said no one drags you to a nude beach. Howard said if he had a big cock he'd be naked all the time. He said he would show it on the air if he had a big one. Howard said he'd be so proud of it. Howard said his is pathetic and he has a gunt and he doesn't want anyone seeing it. Howard said he's a three way loser. Howard said he's not going to show that thing anywhere. Howard imagined what it would be like if his parents dragged him to a nude beach. He did his impression of them for a short time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw the AGT taping in St. Louis but Sharon took way too long to get down to the desk. Howard said that she was just being nice to the fans and having a good time. Howard said Sharon wears very high heels and she may not be able to move quickly. Howard said he loves Howie and Sharon. The caller said he did the Ugly Meter thing with his girlfriend and you shouldn't do it. He said that he's not going to get laid in 2 weeks because of that. He said he came out better looking than her. Howard asked what his number was. He said he was a 64 and she was a 52. Howard asked if he went around the whole day saying that she's a 52.
Howard said he had a guy write to him about the app and how he held it about a foot further away and he got a higher score.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loved that ''Saul Teeload'' phony phone call he played yesterday. Howard asked Gary where that is because he wanted to play it again. He said that will never not be funny. Howard said he likes dumb stuff. He said he liked that new Three Stooges movie even though he didn't want to. Howard played the ''Saul Teeload'' clip and said that it was actually a TV show and it was on the screen with the name up on the screen.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show. They ended up talking about Gina Lynn for a short time. They also talked about Howard's AGT promo.
The caller said that he was talking about that girl from that show The Big Bang Theory. JD said that there was a Twitter bug and he thought she had him blocked but now they're following each other. Fred was doing his impression of JD and Howard said that his impression of JD and of Eric the Actor are great. Howard said JD should get a business card with his 52 on it. JD said he thinks that Ronnie got that 0 because of that facial hair he has. Howard asked Robin if it's the worst hair ever. Robin said it's not the worst. She said she loves when guys start carving things in their hair. Ronnie came in and said it's not a design.
Howard asked Ronnie about his score and Ronnie said those guys are users and they can modify their ratings any way they want. Ronnie said that one of the guys thanked him for being a good sport and he knows it's rigged. Howard said he knows a burn victim who got a 25 rating. Ronnie said he doesn't know what number he'd get if it was real. Howard said he heard that Sal put a big ''Zero'' on his back and he didn't know. Howard said that's not nice. Ronnie said it's just annoying when people won't leave you alone. Gary said Ronnie thinks that the psych test was set up too. Ronnie said he's crazy and now he's ugly.
Howard asked Ronnie if he was getting his balls busted on Twitter. Ronnie said he got a lot of chicks saying it was bullshit. Howard said he knows that he's a great security guy. He said it's like he has eyes in the back of his head. Fred was playing Ronnie ''dude'' clips while Ronnie was talking. He was playing them constantly.
Howard said Sal was holding up another zero sign over Ronnie. JD said that was the shakiest sign he's ever seen.
Robin asked Ronnie why he thinks they would pick him to be a zero. Ronnie said that they know it blows up into a whole thing. He said that Doug is really bummed out about his 20-something score. Doug said he's really not upset. Ronnie said that's what he heard from the guys in the studio.
Ronnie said he heard that Jon Leiberman wasn't able to sleep last night. He said his girlfriend told him to shut up about it. Howard said he wouldn't tell his girlfriend what his score was. Leiberman said that his girlfriend heard the show. He said he knows that he's going to be bound by this the rest of his days there. Howard said Jon is a good looking guy to him. He said he seems to be better looking than many of the guys there. JD said that Jon says he doesn't photograph well. Leiberman said that's true. He said he doesn't still phot well. Howard said moving around he's like Brad Pitt. Howard asked Shuli if he got tested. Shuli said he didn't. Howard said he should stay away from it. He said he loves Shuli though. He said he should avoid that Ugly Meter though.
Ralph called in and said that app is crap. He said that beauty is based on symmetry and it really doesn't mean anything. He said that Howard is better looking than JD so that app really is bullshit. Howard said Ralph is attracted to him in all fairness. Howard said this is a bunch of guys telling each other how good looking they are.
Howard said JD was all confident yesterday. He said that he had a happy walk. Now he's back to being a mush mouth. Ronnie said this is a big weekend for JD. He's doing two Ronnie's Block Party shows in Chicago and Phoenix. Ronnie said he heard from some women that want to meet JD. He said JD has to close the deal with them. JD said he can't focus on anything but the show. He said he's more worried about that than anything. Ronnie told him not to worry about it. He said Shuli isn't worried about it so JD shouldn't worry. Howard said that JD should be concentrating on this girl Ronnie has set up.
Ronnie said that he's not going to give instructions in the bedroom for JD. Then he thought about it and said maybe he should. JD said he doesn't need to do that.
Robin asked JD what he was talking about when he said there was ''recon'' going on with the girls. JD said that they're just talking to people and that's it. He stumbled with his words but eventually got it out.
Howard and Fred did their impressions of JD mumbling. Howard said he can't believe JD tested higher than him. Howard said last time JD got a girl in his hotel room she had a guy with him. Ronnie said that JD is very gruff when he talks to girls. He said that it's not the right way to get a girl in the room. JD said he knows.
Howard said it would be funny if the guy told JD to blow him. JD said that's not going to happen. Howard said Ronnie knows how to talk to girls. He's a 0 and he still makes out just fine. Howard said chicks love Ronnie because he's fun. Ronnie said he'll help JD. He said he promised his father he would help.
Howard said he was watching a show where he learned that you should hug the girl. He said that's the thing to do. He said JD needs to get a rap. He said he's a disaster. Ronnie said you'd think that he'd be better when he drinks but he's not. He said that JD gets worse. He said that when the girl starts to reject him he gets really bad. JD said he's not going to stay if they're going to reject him. Ronnie said he'll tell them to get the fuck away from him if they say one word wrong.
Howard asked Robin who she'd fuck out of these two. JD told her to just fuck Ronnie. Howard asked Robin again who she'd do. Robin thought about it for a few minutes. Robin said she would choose JD. JD said he'd give her a call later. Howard said they tweeted out a picture of Ronnie and the Lorax @SternShow.
Howard asked Robin if she'd pick JD or Jon Leiberman. Robin quickly said JD. She didn't even think about that one. Howard said that's nice. Howard had to do a live commercial and then a commercial break.
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Robin started off reading a story about Simon Cowell having a stalker break into his home while watching himself on TV. Howard said he would probably be doing the same thing if he had someone break into his house. Robin said that Simon had said that his house was as safe as Fort Knox. Howard said Simon is very serious about his judging. Howard said that they get into long discussions about reality TV and judging. He said he likes talking about that stuff. Howard said that's what judges do with other judges.
Robin read about how Madonna's daughter Lourdes isn't allowed to watch TV but she's 15 and smoking cigarettes. Howard said he smoked at 15. Howard was upset that he had sticky stuff on his shirt from the AGT tapings. Howard said they stick the microphones on the shirt and he must have worn that one at one of the tapings.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it's nice and warm down in South Carolina today. Howard said it was nice there in New York last week but this week it's cold again. The caller told Howard that Gina Lynn was a great interview. He said that she sounds very intelligent and she presents herself very well. He said Train sounded super this morning too. Howard said he's very happy for them. He said that people in the industry said they were over and asked why they were having them on the show. Howard said he won't name names but they'd say that Train was over and they had their time and it was over. Howard said he felt vindicated when they got another hit song. He said he liked their song ''Drive By.'' The caller said he did too. He asked if their voices are that powerful in the studio. Howard said it can sound great in the studio and not great on radio but this worked out just fine today.
Robin read about how the Jets introduced Tim Tebow to the fans yesterday. Howard had some audio of him talking about how excited he is about the whole thing. Howard said he heard he said ''excited'' a lot. He had an edited clip of him saying that word a bunch of times. Robin had some other audio of him talking about moving to the team.
Howard asked Mike who he looks like. He said maybe Scarlett Johansson. Howard said he could put him in the front row of AGT. Howard said if that's the way he looks he'd do that. Howard asked if he likes to go out to bars and stuff. The guy said he doesn't have the balls to do that. Howard asked what else he does dressed up like a woman. He said he jerks off after he's done. Then he asks himself what the fuck he's doing. The guy said he's not sure what to do and if he should seek a girl who gets it or just keep it quiet. Howard said he should date a girl and trick them into thinking he's manly. Howard said he's saying he's not a homosexual. The guy said he just likes looking at himself. He said it's really fucked up.
Howard said the only suggestion he has is to not tell anyone. Howard said if he did this he could hear Beth pulling away from the house immediately. Howard asked if he lives home with his parents. He said he lives with his mom but he did live on his own.
Howard said there are guys who do this and they're not gay. Howard asked Robin what she would do if she dated this great guy and then she finds out that he dresses up like a chick. Robin said he should just go to a hotel room and do it once in a while. Robin said if he was really great and all he wanted to do was dress up like a woman... She still thinks no one else should know. She said she wouldn't be able to put up with it. Howard said that's a good indication. Howard said Robin is pretty open minded.
Howard said that he thinks that Mike, Mike, might have to keep it a secret. Mike said he thinks there must be someone out there who could put up with it. Howard said it is a weird thing. He said there might be therapy for it. Robin said it has to come from somewhere. Howard said that he might have to settle for a chubby foreigner with an accent. Howard said that he must want men to be attracted to himself. Mike said he likes to think about himself dressed up. That's it. He said he never thinks about other dudes.
Howard asked if he has a name that he uses when he dresses up. Mike said he calls himself Salem. Howard said hi to Salem and tried to talk to him that way. Mike was playing along a little bit. Howard asked what he was wearing and things like that.
Ralph called in and said that you know he looks a mess in that outfit. He said he can't look like Scarlett Johansson. Mike said he might be right. He said he knows that if he was looking at himself as another person he'd be asking ''what the fuck?'' Ralph asked him to send him a picture in some pretty shoes. Howard told Ralph to get off the phone.
Howard said that Mike is going to have to keep this a secret. He said that he has to wait a while before telling anyone at the least. Howard asked if a month and a half is okay. Ralph said no. Robin said that it might be about a month or so. Ralph said this guy doesn't even have a job. He said he could entice a woman if he had a good job.
Mike said that Eddie Izzard dresses up like a chick. He said he has a wife and kids. Mike said that he knows that people might run for the hills if they saw him dressed up.
Howard asked what other names he's used. Mike said he's used Nikki too. Howard said he might be able to liberate him. Howard talked to Mike as Nikki. Howard said hi to Nikki and said he bets he looks pretty. Robin said she ran into a guy in Miami who was cross dressing and didn't even change his voice. She said he just said hello in a deep voice. Fred did his Tranny voice and had a conversation as that cross dresser.
Howard told Salem that to be in a relationship with a woman he's going to have to find a lunatic that will go along with him. Mike said he agrees. Ralph told him to try Craigslist. Howard said he's making a good point. He said that way he's being up front about the whole thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he sounds like a Buffalo Bill kind of guy who is going to get rejected a few times and start kidnapping women. Howard said he doesn't think that's going to happen.
Mike said he gets upset when he can't dress up. He said he will dress up when his mom goes out. Fred did more of his Tranny/Herman Munster impression. He had Robin cracking up.
Howard told Mike he should dress up like a woman and go down and tell his mom while he's on the phone. Mike said she'd probably have a heart attack. He said that not a soul knows what he does. He said he's dated girls and they have no idea that he's worn their clothes.
Mike said he does this about once a week. Howard said he thinks Robin could put up with that. Howard asked if he has mini-skirts. Mike said he wears pretty much like you'd see a girl in her 20s dress. He said he has tight jeans and things like that. Howard asked if he has daisy dukes so his ass cheeks can hang out. Mike said he does actually. Robin asked if he has heels. He said he doesn't. He said he would like them. He said he has a size 9 so that would be too big for a girl's shoe.
Howard asked Robin what he should do. Robin said she thinks the Craigslist thing is the way to go. Mike said it sounds like he's fucked. He said he just wanted some advice. Howard said he should date some chicks and see if he can find someone who is open minded. Mike said he'll see what he can do.
Howard said he might want to find a cross dressing support group. Mike said he actually did that but it was full of a bunch of freaks. Howard and the guys got a laugh out of that. Howard said they might be able to help.
Howard said he really had to go. Mike asked if he could come to the AGT taping. Howard said he can but he has to come as Salem or Nikki. Mike said he's killing him. He said that's more of an alone thing. Howard said he'd give him the tickets anyway. He put him on hold and called him Nikki. Howard had to do a live commercial after that.
Robin had some audio of Mitt Romney talking about Obamacare and about the Supreme Court case that's going on about the Obamacare system. She had a few audio clips of people talking about that.
Robin read about Rick Santorum not apologizing for cursing at a NY times reporter. Howard said he should because all the guy did was ask him a question. Robin had the audio of Santorum cursing him out. Howard said the question was simple and it wasn't out of line. He said it was based on something he actually said and he was quoted properly. Robin said he shouldn't respond with anger like that if he wants to be President. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin had some audio of Ron Paul talking about how he thinks he's still in the race. Howard said he should just give up. He said that Newt should give up too. No one is contributing to his campaign. Robin said that Newt is charging for campaign photos. Howard said someone should smack him around about this.
Robin read about this guy George Zimmerman who shot an unarmed kid who was in a hoodie. Robin said he has support from his neighbors. Robin had some audio of some people talking about that. Robin read about a cop who was suspended for posting something about the teen who was killed. She had some audio of an official talking about that. Howard asked what the guy said. Robin said he posted something about ''Act like a thug, die like one.'' Howard said the kid didn't do anything. He said this guy should have left the kid alone and not gotten out of his car.
Robin had some Whitney Houston news updates. She had some audio of a Natalie Cole talking about the demons that were still chasing Whitney.
Robin said that the movie The Bodyguard is returning for one day only. Robin said that they're going to have a screening of the movie to mark it's 20th anniversary. Howard said that's not the best movie out there. He said that you can watch it at home. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin said that Bobby Brown was arrested for DUI. She said that he was pulled over for talking on his cell phone and they found signs of intoxication. Robin said they released him after he posted $5,000 bail.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that the show was amazing this morning. Howard said it was a fun show. The caller said that the cross dresser call was fucking hilarious too. Robin asked if she would date him. She said she's happily married so she'll have to say no. Howard asked what she would do if her husband came to her tonight and told her he does that. She said that would be a tough one. She said it would be very awkward and disturbing. She asked for tickets to AGT so Howard told Gary to hook her up too.
Robin had some audio of Sugar Steven Seagal appearing on Jimmy Kimmel last night. She had some audio of him talking about teaching boxing in Japan. They spent a minute on that and then ended the show around 11:45am.
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Jon went over some of the other stuff they were going to talk about today. Jon asked Jason about him breaking his belt and how Howard asked what the hell is wrong with him. He said that Jason is doing this fat guy show now and he's wondering if he can still do the Fat Guy Show. Jason said he is in the process of losing weight. He said he's 6 pounds lighter than the last Fat Guy show he did. He said he is eating healthier and less food. He said he has people coming up to him all the time asking if he wants advice. He said he's just keeping his head down and trying to do his own thing. Jon said if he loses weight then he might not have a show. Jason said that's not true. He said that's all part of the journey. He said if he gets down to 195 then he'll still be able to do the show.
Gary asked Jason how he can do the show if he's not fat anymore. Jason said it's about the journey. He said you're always a fat guy like if you're a drug addict you're always a drug addict.
Jon said that Howard said it's time to get a grip and he seems concerned. Jason said he agrees and he appreciates it. He said that story Lisa G did was a week old. He said that he knows he's full of sludge and he's not going to go to Lisa and tell her he's dieting. He said he's just doing his own thing and they'll see the results. They had to take a break after that.
Gary said he thinks they should be talking about Leiberman because he was really upset. He said that Leiberman broke the rookie rule of letting them know it bothers him a lot. He said you never show emotion on this show, ever.
Shuli came in and said that Leiberman was out of his mind and he was blurting stuff out without being talked to back there. He said Gary had the best thing when he came in to say hi and then says to Jon ''Hey ugly, what's going on?''
Jon said that he thinks that JD was on a high yesterday but today he was back to himself. Gary said he thinks he'll be back to being himself in no time. Gary said he thinks that JD is either lazy or arrogant. He said that he wants the hottest whore to come to him and not charge him. He said he wants to put in the minimum amount of work that he can. Shuli asked if you can be arrogant when you're socially inept. He said that he's not sure JD is arrogant. Gary said he's seen people who are like that.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she thinks that she's a positive person but she does not understand the Benjy vortex. She said that he was embarrassing himself with Donald Sutherland. Benjy said he really didn't understand what he was explaining. Gary said he thought he was going for a bit because he does that a lot. Benjy said he did it at the moment and he was just trying to be funny when he mentioned Will's brother.
Jon said sometimes Benjy is a hit and sometimes it's a miss. He said yesterday was a miss. Gary said sometimes he doesn't want to go there on the show. He said he'll put his hand up to stop him. Benjy said he knows he's just trying to steer the show. Gary said sometimes he has to just let people like JD talk. Jon said he does that with Sal and he appreciates that. They had to take another break after that.
After the break, around 11:10am, Jon moved on to Jon Leiberman. Jon asked Leiberman if he realizes what he's brought on himself. Leiberman said he does. He said he's a very excitable guy and he gets excited easily. He's not good at masking stuff. He said that he did get pissed off when he got the 18. Then today he realized that he's labeled as that 18 after hearing that song.
Gary asked Ronnie if he really feels that he was targeted. Ronnie said that he does. He said that he was the last one in the studio to be brought in studio and he thinks that they did it on purpose. Leiberman said that Ronnie thinks he was targeted and they target him on more than one thing. He said it's not just this thing. They had to end the show in the middle of this discussion. They were done around 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about the big day they have coming up. They have Miss Howard TV of the year coming in. Howard said she won the grand prize of $1000. Wow! Howard said he understands that she's going to buy her parents a house. Howard said she also won some jewelry.
Howard said he read that Magic Johnson is part of a group that won the chance to buy the Dodgers. Howard said that it could end up being a steal if they get a good deal. Robin said they won a lottery to get the chance to buy them. She said she's not balking at the price. Howard said it's an all cash deal too. Howard wondered how they wheel that in. He said they need to have operating cash too. Robin said they have to bring it to some bankruptcy court before it's approved. Robin said they were lost in some divorce case. She said the deal went down that the guy can't afford them anymore after that divorce. Howard said he doesn't know anything about that or anything else. Howard said his mind is clear so he can judge.
Gary came in and said that things got so bad that Major League Baseball took over the day to day operations of the team. Gary said the guy bought the team on a house of cards anyway. Gary said the best thing to do is buy the team, wait 10 years, then sell it for double.
Howard said that Christie Brinkley melted down on the Today show. He said that she's talking about Peter Cooke and what he did to her and now he wants to go on the show and defend himself. Howard said Peter is saying that she's the one who is nuts and going on shows talking about him. Howard said she's saying another thing about him being nuts. Howard said the best way to handle that whole thing is to just handle it privately. Howard said you have to take the high road and just go figure it out. Howard said you can't take this stuff public like that.
Howard said that one of the two are nuts. Sometimes both of them are. He said if you're famous then you can't be taking it on TV like that. He said for the sake of the kids, in any divorce, you keep your mouth shut and let the court decide. Howard said you just say okay and let the court handle it.
Howard said the crazy one won't go along with it but you can't go on TV and carry on. Howard said even if Christie is the rational one, she has to stay off TV. Howard said she was on fire. He said she was really going on and on. Howard played a clip of Christie talking to Matt Lauer. Christie was talking about how she hasn't had any contact with Peter but he continues to contact her. She said she asked the judge to make it stop. She just wants her right to peace. She started crying. Christie said whenever she has joy or success he has to try and destroy it. She said the courts need to learn to deal with that. Matt asked her to come back to talk about the play Chicago some other time.
Howard said she was going on and on and on. Howard played another clip of her talking about the divorce. Matt was talking to her about the kids and she was going on about the divorce in that.
Howard said that guy allegedly cheated but that's the real world. Robin said that the marriage is already broken at that point so you just move on. Robin said she looks at it like they're still having fun with each other. Howard said they're too involved. He said one of the two, or both, are definitely into each other in some weird way. Howard said you have to disengage. They have to be done.
Howard put Eric on the line and asked why he keeps flip flopping with his nickname. Howard said that's right, it's Eric the Actor. Howard said that David Spade's name for Eric is Eric the Extra. He said that's the right name for him. Howard said David should get him on his show ''Rules of Engagement.'' Howard said he's making like a million bucks per episode doing that show. Eric said that show isn't one of CBS's stable shows. He said they keep taking it on and taking it off.
Howard said that the ratings on Fringe were lower than usual too. Howard said In Plain Sight were lower too. Robin said American Dream was trying to stay on the air but they took that off right after Eric was on. Eric said that was decided before the show even aired. Howard said he's going to call him Eric The Show Killer. Eric said he didn't kill that show.
Howard said he's not going to spend a lot of time on the air with Eric. Howard said he's been hogging the air. Eric said he didn't even call in yesterday. Howard said he can't pick up on him every day. He said he was on the news yesterday.
Gary brought in the ratings report an they had 4.1 million viewers the week before and Eric's episode had 3.6 million. Eric said that Mr. Strauss said that there were good numbers in one demographic. Gary said that's true. It was one demographic. Gary said the show was down overall from the previous week. Gary said it's not an accusation, it's a fact. Howard said every show he's been on has gone down.
Eric said if the network executives are fine with it then ''fuck you.'' Howard thanked Eric for calling in and said that he's Eric the Extra right now. Howard said he's not quite an actor yet. Howard said he is working on getting him on more shows. He said if they want lower ratings then contact them. Howard said if they want to be consistently low rated they can help.
Eric asked if Howard is off next week. Howard said he is going to be down in Tampa working his second job. He said people think he's on vacation but he's working that other job. Howard said he thinks he's done after this year. Robin said that when Howard realizes that he's off he's working it's going to get to him. Howard said he's going down there next week and he won't be having fun. Howard said he didn't know this was going to happen. Robin said he'd already signed the deal before she could tell him.
Eric said the week before Easter is usually his week off. Howard said he is off but he's going to be working. Howard said people think he's not working but he will be. He said it will pay off in May when the show starts airing.
Eric asked if he was watching The Voice Monday night. Eric said they showed a preview of him doing the show. Howard pretended he didn't know but then broke the news that of course he saw it. Howard said he paid extra attention because he knew that promo was coming up. Howard said it is exciting to see him in all his glory.
Eric said he was wondering which location that was. Howard said he doesn't know. He said Toni asked him that too and he had no idea. Howard said that was his first appearance as a judge. He said he's so commanding as a judge. Robin said she wishes he was wearing robes and a wig.
Eric said he's willing to take over for Howard if he doesn't want to do it next season. Howard said he may end up doing it if they want him. He said it is a constant schedule. He wanted to slow down in his career and he's not. Howard said he thought he was but that's just not happening.
Howard said when he's there doing his job he's happy. He said just getting him there is the problem. Howard said it doesn't help when he sees a Jetblue pilot going berserk. Howard said he was screaming about the middle east and bombs and Iran and all of that. Howard said that they had an off duty pilot on board who took over and locked the pilot out of the cockpit. The whole plane was full of security guys too. He said the pilot was in plastic handcuffs and managed to break out of them. Howard said he breaks out of them twice. He said they belted him after that. He said they sat on him and shit too. Howard said it was the passengers who subdued him. Robin said they thought he was going to open the door while they were flying.
Howard said he thinks that the wife and kids are the people who were driving the guy nuts. Robin said they asked the wife about this and she had no clue what was going on with him. Robin said that the guy started just flipping controls in the cockpit. The co-pilot was smart because he talked the guy into going to the bathroom to get him out of the cockpit. Howard said he's on his way to Tampa next week and he had to read that in the paper today.
Howard asked if Tampa is full of crime because people tell him he shouldn't leave his hotel room. Eric said he was in Tampa just once. He said he's not sure how much crime there is there. Ronnie came in and said the venue they're going to is in St. Petersburg if that makes him feel better. He said they're just flying into Tampa. Ronnie said Tampa isn't that bad. He said he's been there and it's nice. Howard said Ronnie just goes to strip clubs. Ronnie said that's not true.
Howard said when he went to St. Louis and said everyone was nice. He said he talked about how he didn't like that arch and now they have articles about how he was dissing their city. Howard said he wasn't impressed with it and now they're writing articles about how he has nothing nice to say about the city. Howard said he did have a good time there with his daughter. He read an article about what he said and how they think he was only dissing their city.
Howard said the city was kind of empty when they were there and he mentioned that too. They wrote about that in this article he was reading. Howard said the arch wasn't that impressive. He said it's just an arch. Robin said it is like half a McDonald's arch. Ronnie said it's pretty big. Howard said he just wasn't impressed by it. It's not something you're going to spend all day looking at it.
Ronnie said he likes that they have the baseball field at one end of the city and a football field at the other end. He said it's right there in the city too.
Howard said that he's not sure what Tampa is going to be like. Fred said they say to avoid College Hill and Tampa Heights. He said that it's the 17th most dangerous place in the country according to what he's reading. Howard said that you know you're in trouble when they book you a hotel in that part of the city.
Howard said his daughter went to college in St. Louis for four years and he liked it. Eric told Howard that his episode is re-airing tomorrow night on USA Network. Howard said he'd rather be in the worst part of Tampa than in Austin during South by South West. Howard said that gangs love him. He said that they see him as the ultimate bad boy.
Howard said he was reading about the mob and a trial that's going on. He said there was a cop who married a mob guy's wife and they just killed him. Howard said that's all he did, marry her. Howard said he didn't do anything wrong. Howard said the mob guy got bummed out and wanted to teach the guy a lesson.
Howard asked Eric if he would play a mobster. Eric said he'd have to think about that. Howard asked why he'd have to think about it. Eric said he'd have to play an Irish mobster because that's his heritage. Robin said he's too hung up on things.
Eric asked how often Howard reads his retweets. Howard said Twitter bums him out. Howard said that Eric could play Little Luciano. Maybe he could play Little Fratto. Eric was telling Howard something and Robin was making faces as he was telling the long story. Eric said that Howard makes it longer by talking over him. Howard said maybe Eric can play Little Al Capone. He wanted him to say ''You dirty rat.''
Eric said he can do a British accent now. He did a line where he asked ''Hello gov'ner. Do you want to go to the pub for some fish and chips?'' Howard and the guys all cracked up. Howard said he should play a mobster. Howard said that guy on The Walking Dead is Australian and plays a southern guy. He said that no one even knows.
Eric told Howard that he's playing a character on the show and he's really a nice guy. Robin said that's his new thing.
Eric said he has tweeted some things with Howard's Twitter name in it lately. Howard said Beth has been corresponding with Eric. Howard said she doesn't know who he is. He said Eric wrote her a tweet saying that he donated to the North Shore Animal League. Howard said that he misses out on all of this. He doesn't know how to go back and read all of it. Howard said Beth thanked Eric and then the fans attack Eric. Howard said they were going off on him for telling the amount he gave. Howard said they were vicious. Eric said some people didn't believe him. Howard said Ralph said to him that he has like 40,000 followers and he told people to watch The Voice to see Howard's promo. Howard said he retweeted it and the fans started attacking Ralph. Howard said that opened him up to all of those vicious fans.
Howard said that the fans like to see pictures of Beth and the less clothes the better. Howard said he gets so much shit for doing that though. He said they call him an asshole for putting up pictures of his wife. Howard said she was a lingerie model. He said people really give him hell for everything. Howard said it's very debilitating. Howard said it really does affect him.
Eric said that the creators of Facebook and Twitter created these things for people to talk to each other nicely. He said they're not supposed to do that. Robin said they didn't create it to be nice. They created it so people can contact each other.
Howard said Marlon Brando was not Italian. He said that he played an Italian guy in the Godfather. Eric said he thought he was Italian. Robin said that he's acting like it's never happened. Eric said he just didn't know. Howard said Eric doesn't understand that if he played a Meth addicted child pornographer, that's not what he really is. Eric said what he doesn't get is that Howard's fans aren't playing 51 cards in their decks. Howard said there are 52 cards in a deck. Eric said ''Oh.'' Fred was doing his impression of Eric and goofing on him a little bit.
Howard said that he's given Eric enough time today. Eric was saying something about another city that has stadiums in the city but Howard cut him off and said he's done for today.
Howard said that was all of Eric's contact with other people for the day. He said he'll be on the Social networks the rest of the day.
Howard said Ronnie thinks that they went as far as to scan his picture in a weird way. Ronnie came in and said that they would do that to him but not to Howard because Howard is the guy. Robin asked if he thinks they came up with this on their own. Ronnie said they did too. He said that's just his opinion of what happened.
Howard said you have to hear Ronnie on the Wrap UP Show. Ronnie said he has better things to do. He has to go pick out a bikini for a hot chick.
Howard played more of the Wrap Up Show where JD said he was the one who brought Ronnie in there. He said they couldn't set this up. Ronnie said that no one else could have the same impact as him getting a zero. He said they'd never do that to Gary because he's the producer of the show. Robin said that this is the guy in charge of security for Howard. Howard said he must be nuts.
Howard played a Little Mikey song parody of Foo Fighters ''My Hero'' which was ''Ronnie's a Zero.'' Howard said the song parodies are rolling in.
Howard said that Jon Leiberman is going nuts too. Mike Gange came in with a t-shirt that says ''I'm a Zero'' on it. He thinks he should wear that at his gig this weekend. Ronnie came back in and said he knows he's crazy and he's ugly. He told Howard he has to see this girl who is coming in. He said that she's hot. Ronnie said that Sal is thrilled that he gets to walk around with ''zero'' signs over his head.
Howard said the guy who is really freaked out is Jon Leiberman. He said he's going nuts over that 18 score he got with the Ugly Meter app. Leiberman came in and Fred played his new theme music.
Howard said that Jon thinks that Robin really hates him. He said off the air that he thinks that she does. Leiberman said that Ronnie is taking credit for the sales of that app. He said that they had 30,000 downloads that day and Ronnie thinks that he's responsible. Jon asked Ronnie how many he's taking responsibility for. Ronnie said all he did was say look what happened with the whole ''zero'' thing. Jon said Ronnie wanted a check from them.
Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel's cousin Sal was going out testing the app. Jimmy got a 43 rating on that app. Howard said everyone is beating him. Except for Ronnie and Jon. Howard said he doesn't think Jon is that bad looking. Jon said there's clearly something wrong with that app.
Jon was also talking about how he thinks Robin doesn't like him because she picked JD over her when Howard made her pick one to have sex with. Robin said that ''hate'' is a strong word. She said she thinks that his looks are comparable to JD's looks. She said he's about a 52.
Howard played a song parody about Jon that someone sent in. It was to the tune of Alice Cooper's ''I'm Eighteen.'' Howard said he did score two points higher than Richard's asshole. Jon said that's true.
Howard said that JD and Jason were fighting because Robin would pick Jason over JD. Robin said she did pick Jason over JD. Jon said he thinks that he's inflated by the numbers and that's why he's doing that.
JD came in so Howard asked if he has a new feeling about himself. JD said he and Jason aren't feuding. He said that Jason and Scott DePace were yelling at each other.
Ronnie came in and showed Howard a picture of a girl who wants to meet JD in Chicago. Howard said JD won't bang her. Howard asked JD if he would bang her. JD said he's not comfortable with someone tweeting Ronnie about him. Howard asked if she's saying that she'd bang JD. Ronnie said she never said that. Howard said she looks a bit older. Ronnie said she reminds him of Suzanne Somers. Howard said that JD should be happy that someone wants to meet him. JD doesn't want people involved in his business. JD said he's not sure if he would bang her or not. Jon asked why not. JD said he doesn't even know her.
Howard said Jon can't even understand why JD got a 52. Jon said he likes JD but it is a little hard to swallow that Robin would pick him over him. Jon said it is what it is. Howard asked JD what advice he has for Jon to turn him hot. JD told him not to cut his hair. Jon said maybe JD should show up to his next TV gig and see what happens.
Howard said that JD is going to Chicago and Arizona. Ronnie has that chick lined up for him. Howard said that will be fun to hear whenever he gets back from his Tampa trip.
Jon said Ronnie won't trim his moustache even though the Lorax comparisons are coming in. Howard asked what else he had today. Jon said that they have a story about Bobo shitting his pants for the first time since he became an adult.
Howard had Bobo on the phone. He told Bobo that he got that anal fissure because he wipes too much. Bobo told Howard how awful this surgery on his ass was. He said that he had no control and he shit his pants. He said that it was a full doody. He said he came home and told his wife to get out of the way so he could do something. He didn't tell her what he did.
Howard asked Bobo if he left the doody in his pants and threw it all away. Howard asked if he showered. Bobo said he did. He said that he called the surgeon and he told him that it's hard to hold his bowels back there. Bobo said that they say it should be 10 days that he can't hold it. He said he should be fine by the 11th or 12th for the AGT tapings.
Jon said that Bobo told him that he has a plan to fast the day before so he won't shit his pants at the taping. Bobo said that's right.
Jon told Howard about Bobo's special drunk goggles he has for the classes he teaches and he has them specially made to attach to his toupee. Howard said that kids used to throw stuff at his toupee. Bobo said that was years ago. He said he got goofed on once in a while. He said it depended on the age of the kids.
Howard said Bobo is like 60 years old and he's still getting goofed on. Howard said he should be the one goofing. Howard said that Bobo is a driving instructor and you'd think that kids wouldn't want to fuck with that guy.
Howard said they say that kids these days don't care about driving and even getting their driver's license. Howard said that's really weird.
Jon said that Bobo worked for the Postal Service for 37 years. He has all kinds of commendations for that. Bobo said he was a driving instructor for the whole island. He said he can still do very well when he teaches classes now. Howard said that he gets a pension too. Bobo said that he gets so much per head when he's teaching classes.
Jon said he wants to cover Bobo doing his classes next week. Howard said he can't imagine having to go to Bobo for driving classes. Howard thanked Bobo for the call and let him go. Bobo told him that he could score better than a 34. Howard said that's something to aspire to. Howard said that he's better looking than Jon Leiberman and Ronnie. Robin said he's better looking than Leno too.
Howard said that Jon wasn't able to sleep after that 18 score. Jon said in 3rd grade he left his snack at home and his teacher said ''Don't worry, you can do without it for a day.'' Jon said that 18 score reminded him of that. He said he takes pride in how he looks and that score really pushes his buttons. Howard said he thinks Jon is a good looking guy. He said that's from one ugly guy to another.
Jon said that Wendy the Retard has a boyfriend who bowls with her. He said that's another story they have today. Howard thanked him for coming in and said he has to take a break. He said he had a Wendy the Retard call to play but he really has to take a break. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard said Aspen was there in March of last year. Howard said he remembers that she is mostly lesbian but she does have men. She said she has had a man since last March. Aspen said she's not a full lesbian. She said she does love men. Howard said Aspen is a lesbian and she's just not willing to admit it. Aspen said she loves guys too.
Howard asked Aspen if the guy was good. She said he was. Howard said maybe he'll hook her up with Rachel Maddow. Aspen told him to send her to her. Howard said she's on MSNBC and she just wrote a book. Aspen said she knows Rachel is very left wing. Aspen said she's more independent. Howard said that Aspen has some rocking body.
Howard asked Aspen if she's still doing the web cam (MyFreeCams.com) thing. Aspen said she does it every day. Howard asked if guys come in and don't tip her. Aspen said that some guys will only tip in a private room. She just hangs out and guys can tip if they want to. She said she'll tell the guys she'll do a show if she gets to a certain amount.
Aspen told Howard she will wear lingerie and she'll strip it off for the guys. She said she'll set a goal and when she meets the goal she'll do her thing. Howard asked what the goal is. She said she has about 500-1000 guys waiting for her to get naked. She said she does it between 3 and 9pm in California. Howard said no one works anymore. He said he doesn't have time to get on and see this.
Howard asked Aspen if she plays with toys. She said she has toys she'll use. Howard asked what goal she'll set. She said she gets about 1000 tokens to take her top off. She said that the tokens are like 5 or 10 cents. Howard wanted to do some math to figure out how much money that would be. He figured that would be about 50 bucks. Howard said she gets topless for that. Then she asks for 1,400 tokens to get naked. She said that's about 70 bucks. Howard said that she'll get 70 plus 50 so he had to do the math to figure that out. She's basically getting nude for $120. Howard said that Aspen is up to $120 so far. He asked what else they can get her to do. She said she doesn't do dildos in public. She said she might do it in private chat though. Howard said she must make a lot of money because she's so cute. Robin said that's not a lot of money for getting naked. Howard said that's just getting naked. Howard said she's not done yet.
Howard asked Aspen what else guys want to see her do. She said she has a Sybian so she rides that. That's going to cost the guys 5,000 tokens. Howard asked if that's 500 bucks. She said that's right but she gets about half of that. She said that's $250. Howard had to do more math. He figured out that she's up to $370 so far. Howard said that's give or take a few bucks.
Howard asked if guys will bring her in and do more with her. She said they do and she'll also add an attachment to the Sybian and charge more.
Howard said that Aspen must get hit on everywhere she goes. Howard said she's making a good living at playing with herself. Robin said she should do that. Howard asked how many tokens it would take to get her to jerk off. Robin just laughed.
Howard asked Aspen what she does in private chats. She said that it's more intimate. She said she'll talk to them and say their name and stuff like that. Howard said that's kind of pervy. Aspen said they will ask her to scream their name and stuff. Howard asked if she ever feels sad. Aspen said she gets off so she feels good. Howard asked if the guys with small penises like to be humiliated. She said some do.
Howard asked if she's ever had guys with really big penises. She said she has seen some crazy large ones. She said that one guy was so big that he warned her about it. She said that he passes out for 15-30 seconds after he cums. She said that this guy was stroking it and it was like up to his chin. She said that he was using two hands on it. She said that she's not positive it was real but it looked like it on cam. She said she's worried about anyone who he's fucked.
Aspen said that she doesn't do anal much on cam. She said she doesn't pee on cam or anything either. She said she won't doody for anyone either. Howard said that he has to go to Japan for that. Aspen said that they had that Two Girls One Cup video if he wants to see that.
Howard said Aspen is Miss Howard TV of the year. He said he can see why she won. Howard said he'll give her some plugs. Howard said she got a prize package of $1,000 and a necklace from Steven Singer Jewelers. Howard said it looks like the size of a car. Howard asked if she'll wear it places. She said she's sure she will. Howard said she can wear it to the insane asylum. Howard said she has a web site too. She has a web site at MyAspenRae.com. Howard said that the Howard TV guys have some video of her doing her thing too. Howard said she was kissing a girl in that video. Aspen said she's a good friend of her's. Howard said she doesn't have implants and he likes that. Robin said she thinks it's wonderful. Howard said they have some video of her masturbating in a tub too.
Howard said that Aspen is on a Sybian in another video. She was working a dildo in that one. They had her licking another woman's vagina too. Howard asked if her parents know what she does. She said they actually do. Howard said you can check her out on Heavy.com as well. Howard said that he sees many good things in her future. Robin asked what it is she wants to do with her life. Aspen said she has a plan and she'd like to get her bachelor's degree in psychology.
Howard asked Aspen if she's sure she's going to like being in psychology. She said she has studied it and she likes it. Howard tested her out with a problem and she told him a few words and he said he felt better already. He said that if she's in a bikini when she's talking to him he's going to feel better.
Howard sang a song for Aspen about her win of the Miss Howard TV of the Year thing. Howard sang about some of the stuff she does in the cams and things like that.
Howard said he has Rachel Maddow coming in. Howard said he was watching her on Letterman and he was quite taken with her. He said that she's his type. Howard said she's similar in looks to his first girlfriend and that intern he was messing around with. Howard said Dave was well into her. Howard said that Rachel could care less and wasn't picking up on it. Howard said Dave was focusing on her jeans and stuff. Howard said he finds her attractive. He said that he feels dumb when he watches her show though.
Howard said Rachel wrote a book and she talks about the wars we have and how we're not even fighting the enemy. Howard said that he will read her book. He said he watches her on TV and he likes her.
Howard said he was so pissed off about that Rick Santorum douche bag. Howard said he got pissed at that journalist for no good reason. Howard said you can't do that kind of stuff. Robin said the president has to be ready for anything. She said that George Bush had a shoe thrown at him and he just smiled and continued with his speech.
Howard picked up on Debbie the Pet Lady and said he thought she was done with the show. Howard said he feels bad for her. He said she must have some kind of schizophrenia. Debbie was in the background screaming but not getting on the phone. She had birds there and they were tweeting and making weird noises. Debbie continued to scream on another phone while he had her on another line. Howard said she might just be talking to herself. The bird was making weird noises and Howard said she's really ill. Howard said
Howard asked the bird some questions and it seemed to be answering him. Howard said the bird is on the phone instead of Debbie. Howard said she's probably yelling at the wall. Howard said Gary's mom yelled a lot like that. Gary said that's right. Howard asked if she yelled in a room alone. Gary said Debbie could just be having thoughts from someone who pissed her off a year ago. Gary grew up with someone like that. Howard asked how he ended up so normal. Gary said he remembers nights when he would have a pillow on his head and his mom was still going on when he woke up the next morning. She said she didn't get any sleep and she was still going.
Howard said he has to get back to Debbie's house. He listened in as she was yelling in the background. She was yelling about someone not picking up. She got more and more wound up and was yelling. Robin said she thinks this is schizophrenia. She said she's really not in touch with reality. Debbie still wasn't on the phone. She was yelling in her apartment and the bird was still tweeting. Debbie was yelling about Howard and Eric the Actor. She was flipping out about Eric the Actor. Howard said she's jealous of Eric. She was yelling about him being called an actor but he can't act. Robin said she actually is in touch with reality.
Howard said he has to talk to Debbie and point out that she's jealous of Eric the Actor. Howard said he thinks he can help her. Howard wanted her to get on the phone but she was in the background yelling about some picture that she was fucked out of. Howard had no idea what she was talking about. Gary knew. He said that it's a picture she took with Howard in the studio and Jason has sent it to her. Howard said he has to get her on the phone.
Howard asked the bird to get Debbie on the phone. Fred played some of Riley Martin's bird noises. Howard said he has to try one more time to get Debbie on the phone. He asked the bird to get her. He had to hang up a short time later. Debbie was still freaking out in the background. Howard said she's talking to herself in that room. Howard said Gary's mom would talk to herself too. Howard asked Gary how he slept through that. Gary must have run out of the room. Robin said Gary can sleep through anything. Howard said he did sleep on that plane to Austin. Howard said he has to get to Rachel anyway. He went to break a short time later.
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Howard said Rachel Maddow has a book out. He said you can see her on MSNBC every day too. Howard said she's very intelligent and if he had that kind of intelligence he wouldn't have to do this. Howard asked what it means to be a Rhodes Scholar. Howard said she was a blonde beauty queen. Rachel said that picture didn't look much like her. She said she wished she looked like that but she really didn't.
Howard asked if she was super popular in high school. Rachel said she was in sports and she was kind of cocky. She wanted to be an Olympian. She played Volleyball, basketball and swimming. Rachel said that she could have played in college but not gone to the Olympics.
Howard asked if her father pushed her into all of that. Rachel said her dad is a marshmallow and she had that pressure on herself. Howard asked what kept her from being an Olympian. Rachel said it's kind of a long story but she'll tell it quick. Rachel said she was gay and she injured her shoulder at the age of 17. She said that's what kept her out. She said she was doing sports way before she was gay. She said she figured that out from rational deduction.
Howard said there are certain realizations that come to you in life and you just don't realize them. Rachel said she was relieved when she figured it out. She said it made things make sense. Rachel said she was worried that she'd have a hard life. She figured she wasn't going to be living at home until she was 30 too. Rachel said she had to get out of the house because she thought her parents wouldn't understand. She said that the town she grew up in would be dangerous too.
Howard asked Rachel about how well she did in school. She said she was second or third in the class. She wasn't the best. She said that she did some things very well but not all things. Howard asked if she ever acted out heterosexual. She said she did have boyfriends. Howard asked if she had sex. She said that's none of his business. Howard said he feels that she never tried it. He said they have a certain name for lesbians who have never had sex with a man. He said they call them gold star lesbians. Howard said he thinks that's what she is. Rachel just laughed.
Howard didn't even know that Rachel was gay at first. Robin said that he was talking about how great she was and how hot she was and she told him that she was gay. Rachel said she's been out since she was 17 and she figured that was the first thing people knew about her.
Howard told Rachel that he felt David Letterman was hitting on her the other night. He said that she has that Merrill Markoe vibe. He said she looks a lot like the intern that Dave was banging. Rachel said Dave was very nice to her. Howard said that he spent more time explaining her book to her than she got to explain her own book. Howard said he thinks that Dave was flirting with her. Rachel said that's what talk shows are all about it seems.
Howard said in high school Rachel realized she was gay. She had dated some boys. Howard asked if she dated any girls in high school. She said she didn't. She figured it out more in college than she did in high school. She said she was openly dating women in college. Rachel said she was so cocky and full of herself that she did an interview with the college paper and they were only about 30 miles from home. She said someone mailed the article to her parents and that's how they found out she was gay. She was going to tell them that she was gay that weekend.
Rachel said that her parents were upset that she didn't tell them first and went to the paper instead. Rachel said that was wrong of her to do that.
Howard asked Rachel about Rick Santorum running around making people feel shitty about themselves when it comes to the gay thing. Rachel said they do look ridiculous doing that and it looks like they're an embarrassing artifact of what people used to be like. She said that she's not sure that even the republican party would pick Rick Santorum. She said that they couldn't possibly nominate him. Howard said he thinks that Obama is going to win again but he's not sure what will happen after that.
Rachel said that she's pretty sure if Rick Santorum runs for president then Obama won't have to campaign against him. Howard said that Sarah Palin was out there and saying some crazy stuff too. Howard said he thinks that society gets what they deserve. Robin said that Mitt Romney was saying that he would run with Santorum.
Rachel said that she thinks that Mitt Romney will tell you whatever you want to year. She said he's not even afraid of getting caught. She said that he's not embarrassed by anything. Howard said Romney had that dog on the top of his car and some other wacky things. Rachel said that he isn't embarrassed about lying. That's the scary thing.
Howard asked Rachel if she looks at Playboy or porn like that. She said she really doesn't get around to it. She said she spends a lot of time reading. She has to be prepared for her job. Howard said when he gets in trouble he just farts into a microphone. She can't do that.
Howard said that Rachel's show is live from 9-10 and she gets big ratings on her show. Howard said she beats Sean Hannity. Howard said the cartoon network beats all of them though. Howard said that Bill O'Reilly doesn't mention that he's beaten by Spongebob Squarepants every day. Rachel said that no one on cable news is getting huge ratings.
Howard asked Rachel about how she prepares for her job. She said she reads the web, wire services, papers and blog stuff. She said there's a lot of stuff she goes through. Robin asked where you can find the truth. She asked if they need some outside source. Rachel said that's a good question. She said that the American papers are better than the British papers. Howard said the NY Times is the 8th wonder of the world. Rachel said that's the first thing she reads.
Rachel said they need reporters and editors or they won't have any facts to go on. Howard said the highest paid people in news are the guys who are commentating on the news. He said that the reporters don't get paid well. Howard said the whole business model is falling apart.
Rachel asked Rachel about all of the stuff she has to read and if she has to go through everything she comes across. Rachel said she really does. Howard said she has to have facts to back up her opinions. Rachel said when you are wrong you have to admit it too. She said that being corrected is something that you have to be prepared for. She said there isn't enough of that on TV.
Howard said that Rachel has a way of intimidating people and he thinks that Roger Ailes gave her a quote because of that. Rachel told Howard that FOX news has found a part of the population who will only watch FOX news all day long. Howard said he watches FOX News so he can get pissed off at them. Rachel said that they have done something with that network and her hat is off to them.
Howard asked Rachel about being a Rhodes Scholar and what it means. Rachel said she did well at Stamford and she was asked to do the Rhodes Scholarship thing. She said she thought she was going to be an actress. Rachel said that she was born in 1973 and she never thought she was going to do all of this stuff. Howard asked if her first lesbian experience was great. Rachel said she won't talk about that stuff.
Howard said his first experience with a girl was miserable. Howard said the girl even told him she didn't want to be in his mind the rest of his life. She said she really didn't want to do it but they did it anyway. Howard said he had to do it because he wanted to beat his friends out.
Howard asked Rachel if it was everything she wanted. Rachel said it had to make sense to her. She said that it turned out this thing about her was true. Case closed. Howard said that it's hard to know who is gay and how do you do that. Rachel said she put up her antenna and found a woman. She said that her radar doesn't work like it used to though.
Howard read that they say Rachel is worth $12.5 million. Rachel said that sounds great but she's not sure that's right.
Howard said that Rachel was on Air America. She said that she worked with Al Franken. Rachel said once he wanted to become a senator he went into senator mode and hasn't kept in touch. She said he's taking that job seriously and it turns out he's a great senator.
Howard asked Rachel where she went to meet a woman in college. Rachel said gay people will find you if you're out of the closet. Howard said she must get hit on a lot. Rachel said he must not notice it then. Howard said that she must have hot girls who are into her. Rachel said she's in a relationship and she's monogamous so she doesn't get hit on that much. She said that she's not sure where it would happen since she's not hanging out at bars.
Howard asked about how much Rachel is getting paid at MSNBC. She said she won't tell him that. Howard said she has a number one show so she must be getting paid well. Rachel said she gets paid very well and she's very happy. Howard said she has to tell them about her Lesbian experiences or what she's worth. Rachel asked where her choice of jumping out a window and splatting on the ground is.
Howard asked Rachel about how her day goes. Rachel told Howard about how she prepares and avoids going out so she can save her voice. Howard said she gets up and exercises and then what. Rachel said she wrote the book for a while. Then she goes to work at noon and she starts reading the news. Rachel said at 2 o'clock they have a staff meeting. Howard said he stopped their staff meetings because they're so hard to get through.
Howard asked Rachel about the meeting and what they do there. She explained how that works and how she goes to a white board and gets stuff down for what they're going to do that night. Rachel said they want to make good TV so they go through all of that. Howard asked if there are hot women there. Rachel said she's busy writing on that white board so she doesn't notice. Rachel told Howard that she reads and researches the rest of the day and then she does her show live at 9.
Howard asked how her parents are with her now. Rachel said they are great and they talk to her girlfriend every day. She said it was an evolution with them and how they handled this whole thing. Howard asked Rachel how she met this girl. Rachel met her at a coffee shop that she was working at.
Howard asked Rachel if her parents were still introducing her to guys when she came out. She said that's funny. She said that she dated a guy in high school and before she came out her mom asked if she ever saw that guy. She said maybe they knew something was going on. She said that she went out with him for 6-8 months. Howard said she must have made love to him. Rachel said she doesn't want to talk about that. Rachel said she went out with that guy because he had a nice car. He had a Mustang fastback and she liked the car. She said she wanted that car and wanted to be behind the wheel.
Howard asked Rachel about how she got her first job on radio. Rachel said she wanted to be Robin. She said she went to grad school in England and she wanted to finish her dissertation and go back to New York. Rachel said that she had to be miserable to get the work done. Rachel said her dad's best friend was a republican lawyer. She said that would be the best job to have to be miserable. Rachel said she had another choice when her friends opened a Bed and Breakfast and closed it up 5 years later. She said they told her she'd be miserable there so they invited her to come. Rachel said they had a radio show up there on the Dave in the Morning show and she went in and interviewed and got hired on the spot. Howard said that's unfair since he had to go through so much to get his job.
Howard said that Rachel got into radio very quickly. Rachel said they were a very small show and it was an entry level job. She said that she thought it was just going to be a weird job that she was going to do. She loved doing it though. Rachel said she was a tiny celebrity in that small town.
Rachel said she quit that radio job to go to England to defend her dissertation. Then 9/11 happened. She said she wanted to be back on the radio after that. She said that every show became a call in show and she wanted to be part of that. Rachel said she felt she could help. Rachel said she did a local station on North Hampton and she ended up doing a morning show. A year later she was on Air America. Howard said it was a good idea to start the network but it may have been too ambitious. Rachel said that AM radio is conservative radio. Howard said he has theories on all of this. Howard said that you have to have a personality and you have to be compelling. He said that you've got to take the show to levels that are unheard of. Howard said it's tough to find someone. Rachel said that she didn't think she did a great radio show. Rachel said that Howard draws people in and her show was a blizzard of words. She said that it was very much like her TV show but it works better on TV than just on radio.
Howard said Rachel is a better TV performer. Rachel said she would love to go back to radio at some point but she thinks she has a better gene for TV than she does for radio. She said she used to write her radio show. Howard said you can't do that. Rachel said she did a full hour show of stuff that she had written. She would read the show and that was that. She said it just didn't work.
Howard asked Rachel about renewing her contract. She said she's good. She said she thinks that MSNBC is in a good spot right now too.
Howard asked Rachel about this woman she's with and how she met her gardening. Rachel said it was crazy when they met. She said she was gardening at her house and they both shed their other relationships and got together. Howard asked if she was so in love that she seduced her that day. Rachel said she refuses to remember on the grounds that she could incriminate herself. Howard asked if she kept gardening after that. Rachel said that the woman was going on vacation the next day but they fell in love that day. She said the woman left and she wrote a note to the woman so she'd have it when she got back from vacation. She said she thinks that she gardened like 2 more days after that.
Rachel told Howard that no one cares about anything she's doing other than the fact that she's on the Howard Stern Show. She said that she won an Emmy and got nothing from her friends. She said as soon as they hear about her going on Howard's show her phone lights up. Howard didn't know she won an Emmy. She said she won that for her show from Afghanistan.
Howard asked Rachel who her hero is. She said he's not a hero worshiping kind of person. Howard asked if it's true that she said Glenn Beck was a great radio guy. She said she did think that he did a great radio show back in the day. She's not into his politics but she did like his radio show. She felt that his radio show fell apart when he got on TV. She said she thinks that he got carried away with his success.
Howard said he has never heard Glenn Beck's radio show but he did watch his TV show. Howard said he got more boring as he went on. He said that he thinks maybe he did get wrapped up in himself. Rachel said that Glenn did a great radio show and she knows why FOX would hire him. She said that something changed and he got way too serious.
Howard asked Rachel how long she's been with her partner. She said that they've been together for 13 years. Howard asked if she's ever going to be with another woman. She said she thinks she's set and she won't be with anyone else. Howard said she has a great career and she could be getting a lot of hot chicks. Rachel said that anyone who is interested in her based on her being on TV isn't someone she'd want to be with. Howard said he's the opposite of that.
Howard asked Rachel about her book ''Drift: The Unmooring of American Military Power.'' Howard said she writes about how we fight wars and use drones and don't even fight the enemy head on. She talks about how war is just too easy now.
Howard read that Rachel's first date was going to the shooting range. Howard said that's the last thing he would do. Rachel said it was great. Howard said that's not going to get a chick in bed. Rachel said that it was ladies day on the range and they said they could shoot anything. She said that they shot all kinds of shotguns, rifles, pistols and more. She said she was really good at the AR15. She said that she doesn't own any guns herself. She said that she feels that owning a gun wouldn't make her any safer and it increases the risk that someone would be shot in her home.
Howard gave Rachel some more plugs for her book and book signing she's doing. Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who asked if she's ever dated a black woman. Rachel said she has. King asked if they're different than white women. Rachel said the difference between individual people are bigger than the differences between races. Howard said that the black on white skin look is very exciting.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that Howard is great and she has to thank Rachel for bringing the abortion issue to TV. She said that there are abortion providers who appreciate Howard. Howard said that abortion has to be readily available to people. Howard said that it's all bullshit what people are telling people.
Howard asked Rachel about the abortion issue and if she talks about that with her parents. Rachel said she has never talked to them about it. She said that her mother is very Catholic and her father converted. She said that she knows that they were disgusted with the priest giving them a political sermon once so maybe they're okay with it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his mom is a big fan of Rachel's. He said he's surprised about her shooting firearms when she has the view she does on gun control. Rachel said that she's for rational gun control. She said she isn't against the second amendment though. Rachel said that guns are cool and all but there can be gun controls that don't take away any rights. Rachel referred to a clip that a guy had in his hand gun that had 30 bullets in it. The caller said he would like the chance to respond. He said there should be no limits with the number of bullets that can be put in a clip. He said there should be no regulation there.
Rachel asked if grenade launchers should be legal. The caller said that they already are. Howard said he ants to end this argument. Howard said they have this thing called the first amendment. Howard said that he got fined by the FCC for cursing because we have limitations on everything in society. Howard said they could have a rational form of gun control and still honor the second amendment. Howard said he has to move on because he's not Glenn Beck. The caller was still going on arguing with Rachel about his rights. Howard hung up saying that the guy was giving him a headache.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a big fan of both Howard and Rachel. He said he gets most of his news from those two sources. The caller said he watches Rachel on the replay from 4-5am and then turns on Howard. Howard said that was a fascinating schedule.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she and her husband watch her religiously every night. She also asked if she's going to be signing books in other places. Rachel said it's not a big tour. She said you can find dates at MaddowBlog.com. Rachel told Howard that MSNBC likes that she's got the book out and they want it to be successful. Howard said that's because if she becomes bigger then they become bigger. Howard said he's not sure why they don't want him to be bigger there. He stopped himself and asked Rachel if they were talking about her.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Michelle Bachman's husband and how he converts gay people to straight. Howard said Rachel should go to that guy undercover and see what he does.
Howard asked Rachel how many vibrators she has. Rachel pretended she didn't hear that question. Howard told Robin to tell her how many she has. Robin said she has just one. Howard said she has a whole gun rack full.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked if she'd rather eat pussy or have her's eaten. Howard said it's always better to have it eaten.
Howard asked Rachel if she's a curser. She said that she does but then she said she uses ''damn'' a lot. Howard said that's not cursing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they should talk to Scott DePace. Howard said he's like Rush Limbaugh Jr. Howard said that he listens to Rush Limbaugh almost every day. Howard asked Rachel about how the republican's can beat Obama. Rachel had a theory and Scott was shooting it all down. Howard said Scott sounds angry when he's responding. He said Rachel has a happy voice when she's talking about this stuff.
Rachel told Howard that everyone who she grew up with only cares about Howard and what he thinks of people and the fact that he likes her means a lot. Howard said he really does like her and he likes her show. Howard gave her a plug for her book and said he'll give it to Scott DePace. Scott said he'll be on the golf course. Rachel said she has a lot of good stuff about Reagan and Bush that he might find interesting. Robin said that Scott will only read the rebuttal to her book.
Howard said Rachel will be at the Barnes and Nobel in Union Square tomorrow night at 7:30pm. Howard asked why Ron Paul is still trying to get the nomination. She said he's all about a movement and not trying to get elected. She said he probably thinks the longer he stays out there the better off he is. Howard said Newt is just in it for the hell of it. Howard told Rachel to come in and talk about the stuff she refused to talk about today.
The caller on the line told Howard to give her tickets to see AGT. Howard said she has no desire to see that stuff. they went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and took a call from a guy who asked about his AGT tapings and why he can't talk about that stuff. Howard said they want to save it for the TV show to air.
Another caller asked for tickets to the AGT taping in New York. Howard said he will put him on hold. He said that anyone else who wants them can call 888-9-ASSHOLE and ask Gary to get them tickets. Howard said he sees that most of the lines are tied up with people who want tickets. Howard took another call from a guy who was looking for tickets. Howard told Gary to give away the rest. Gary said they'd give them to the people who were on hold.
Howard said he has one more. He picked up on a woman who said they love the show and they listen every day. Howard told Gary to give some to Jeff the Drunk too. Gary said he has a Wack Pack list and Jeff is on that one. Jeff didn't know. Jeff said he needs two. Gary said he's all set. Jeff told Howard to have a good weekend. Robin asked how the weekend is different than the week day. Nothing is different. Jeff said that's right. He said every day is like Friday night. Howard said he's got a good life. He asked Jeff if he knows today's date. Jeff knew it was the 28th. Howard said today will be no different than tomorrow for Jeff. Jeff said that's right. It's always Friday night for him. Jeff thought they were off for two weeks but Howard said he's only off for one week while he's in Tampa. Jeff said he loves St. Louis and the arch. Howard let him go after that.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show. They talked about Rachel Maddow for a short time. Howard said he thinks that she might be a Gold Star Lesbian. Robin said she's not sure about that. Jon ran down some more of the subjects they'd be discussing today. Howard let him go and talked about his upcoming appearance on The View and how he's going to tell the girls to shut up if they cackle over him.
Robin said she saw that Martina Navratilova was voted off Dancing with the Stars. Howard said she looked like a clown in that make up. He said they cost her the whole thing. Howard said she could have dressed the way she normally dresses and that's like a dude. Howard said Chaz was able to do it. Howard said Chaz dressed like a dude and he still has a vagina. Howard said he considers himself a man but he danced with a woman and it was great. Howard said that Martina should have danced with a woman.
Howard said he will be on The View but he hears that President Obama was even talked over on the show. Howard played an example of what that sounded like. Robin said he wasn't really there.
Robin said she felt that Martina looked very feminine on the show. Howard said she did not. He said they did her in by making her dress like a woman. Howard talked about some of the other people on the show and how they're doing. Howard said they have professionals on the show and they are going to win.
Robin said they did a poll about the most religious state in the country. Howard guessed it was going to be North Carolina. Robin said he was wrong. She said that the most religious state is also the poorest state and that would be Mississippi. Robin said that the least religious are Vermont and New Hampshire. Howard said the people who have it the worst are the people praying they hope they have it better in the next life.
Robin read about a face transplant that was done in Maryland. Howard said he heard that Ronnie and Jon Leiberman put in for face transplants. Robin said this guy had a gun demolish his face about 15 years ago. They gave him a new face. Robin said that the operation lasted 36 hours and they restored his eyesight and gave him a tongue. Robin said they used a face from a donor whose organ saved the lives of 5 other people.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's had Howard TV and Sirius since he started there. He said he wanted to go to the Tampa show but they said they don't have any tickets left. He asked if he has any. Gary said he doesn't have anything left in Tampa but maybe he can get one more guy in. Howard said he'll take this one guy and that's it. He asked Gary to try to get him in. Gary said he'll do that.
Howard asked Robin if she would rather sleep with the face transplant guy or Jon Leiberman. Robin said the face transplant guy but only because she was busting Jon's balls.
Robin read a story about Ashton Kutcher coming back to Two and a Half Men next season for $1 million per episode. Robin said he's the highest paid man on TV now.
Robin said they say that the age 33 is the best year for most people. Robin said that a survey was done and that's when people say the best time of their life was. Howard said he'd pick 40. Howard said his career was going well. He said that maybe he'd go with 46 since he met Beth then. Howard said he was comfortable in his skin and things like that. Howard said this 58 is bullshit. He said he doesn't like it at all. He said he looks in the mirror and wonders what happened. Howard said college was the worst for him. He said childhood was horrible too. He said young adulthood was horrible too.
Robin read about a new reality show called 7 Days of Sex. Robin said that they say that it's a show about saving relationships and the couples will have sex 7 days in a row. Howard said he does feel closer to Beth when they have sex. Howard said he and Beth had a tiff last night and they had to work it out before going to bed. He didn't get any sex last night though. He said the argument was silly to him. He said it wasn't silly to her. Howard said one of his shirts got shrunk and he went nuts over the laundry. He said he carried on like a lunatic because he was frustrated. Howard said he didn't blame Beth. He said he went overboard and came off harsh. Robin said that's a normal reaction and he's just going back to his caveman days. She said it shouldn't be taken personally when he's yelling at someone. Howard said Gary should never hold him accountable. Robin said that she should have told Beth he was sorry. Howard said he wasn't mad at her though. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Howard said Beth rolled over and didn't talk to him. Howard said he'll get up on one arm and just stare at her and say ''hi honey.'' Howard said he has to work through that stuff before he can go to bed. Howard said he gave her one good look at his 34 face and that's what it took. He said with a 34 face women rarely look at you so they don't get mad at you.
Robin got back to her news and read about how students are finding it easier to cheat these days but now they have new changes to make sure that they can't cheat on the SAT and similar tests. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about that. Robin said people will have to upload a photo at the time of registration and they will compare them to the person that shows up to take the test.
Robin read about how some Facebook users are trying to get attention and some are using the service for sharing with friends. Robin had some audio of a researcher talking about that.
Robin read about a company that makes this pink slime product that people have been talking about lately. Robin said that the pink slime is what they use for some ''meat'' products in restaurants. Robin said they say that it has very little nutritious value. Robin said she had audio of one of the manufacturers talking about it. He was saying that he feeds this to his children and he feels safe doing it.
Robin read about this Jetblue pilot that went crazy on a flight. Robin said he had to be locked out of the cockpit. Robin had audio of one of the witnesses who saw what happened. She described what was going on during the flight and how they wrestled the guy to the ground. Howard said he had audio of the pilot going nuts. It was an edited clip with George Takei screaming audio clips in it. Robin had some audio of the actual pilot ranting. It wasn't that far off from their edited clip. The pilot was going crazy about Israel, Iraq and Iran. Howard said they were lucky they had an off duty pilot on the flight and security guys who were able to subdue the guy.
Robin said there was a reporter on that flight. Robin said that it was Laurie Dhue who used to be on FOX News. Robin had some audio of her talking about what she saw on the flight. Howard said the dude broke through two sets of plastic handcuffs. He said he must be a strong dude.
Robin had some audio of Mitt Romney talking to Jay Leno on the Tonight Show last night. Howard did his impression of Jay for a few seconds. He said one day Jay the robot is going to break and he's just going to keep saying ''Yeah'' over and over.
Ralph called in about the pink slime stuff and what he's head about that. He said they say that it's okay because it goes through ammonia.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Superman or vampires are stronger. Howard said Superman is. Howard said he's stronger than anyone. He's vulnerable to Kryptonite but hardly anyone knows that. Howard said it's not easy to find either. Ralph said it's a ridiculous argument. Ralph said maybe if they have Kryptonite fangs they could beat him.
Ralph said that the AGT tapings are great and anyone who can go should go. He said that the buzzer is deafening when they hit it. Howard said it's great when you hit it on a 5 year old. Howard said their parents don't prepare them for that. Howard let Ralph go after that.
Robin said she's going to skip the story about Geraldo. Robin said there's a shampoo company that is using old Hitler footage in a commercial. Robin had some audio of the commercial where they had a Turkish voice over the footage. Howard said he didn't know they had the technology in Turkey to pull that off.
Robin read a story about a law up in Windsor Canada that will allow for Brothels to be legal is going to take effect in about a year. Robin said that some people are upset about this. Howard said Canada is pretty loose with that stuff. Robin said they're trying to keep them from showing up next to schools and stuff like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had to complement him on the interview with Rachel and if she took a picture with him. Howard said he didn't take a picture with her. He said he might watch her show tonight though. the caller asked if he still wipes from front to back or back to front. Howard said he wipes from front to back now. He said he has to respect Beth. Howard said his balls might still smell from the pee dripping on them after he pees. Howard said he can't stop it from dripping no matter how much he shakes that thing.
Robin read about the Treyvon Martin case in Florida. Robin had some audio clips of a woman talking about the case. Robin said the parents are meeting with members of congress about racial profiling. Howard said that is one screwy story. He said this guy probably scared the shit out of the kid and the kid confronted him. Howard said this Zimmerman guy shouldn't have been following the kid. Howard said if that was his kid he'd be irate too. Robin said any parent would be irate no matter what. Howard said the cops told him not to follow the kid but he did it anyway.
Robin read about a baseball player that has a book coming out and he talks about being abused by a 13 year old female babysitter when he was 8.
Robin read about Magic Johnson and the group that was picked to buy the L.A. Dodgers. Robin said that he's looking forward to that.
Robin read about the opening of the MLB season that started in Tokyo this morning.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he knows if Beth masturbates. Howard said she has. Howard said she tells him that she hasn't been masturbating lately. He said he takes that as meaning that he satisfies her enough. Robin said men need sex and women don't need it like that. She said women just like it. They don't need it. Howard said he thinks he satisfies her in every way. Robin said that a woman should never starve a man of sex. She said you know what happens when you starve someone.
Robin said that Megan Fox is pregnant with her first child. Howard said that's awful. Howard asked Robin what a woman should do if they don't want sex. Robin said that they can get into the mood if they understand what their man needs. Robin said that you wouldn't withhold food from a man so why withhold sex? Fred played a porn clip in the background as they were talking about that. Howard said Robin has evolved into the perfect woman. He said she's saying everything right on.
Robin read about how Whoopi Goldberg will be appearing in an upcoming episode of Glee. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:20am.
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Gary said she's very calm when she answers and it was great hearing her talking to Scott DePace. Jon said that she was also talking about Rick Santorum and saying that it wasn't worth getting into because she doesn't think that the republicans are going to take it seriously.
Gary said that he thinks that Rachel handled herself with the gun guy too. Gary said the guy doesn't want limits on things he doesn't want limits on. He said it would be a crazy world if we didn't have limits on things.
Jon and Gary talked about Rachel not talking about the sex stuff and Gary said he thinks that she's a gold star lesbian. Benjy said he took it the other way like she was trying to avoid talking about it because maybe she had. Benjy said that Rachel asked Howard if he was okay that she didn't answer the sex questions. He thought that was kind of sweet.
Gary said he knows that Rachel is a tremendous fan of the show. Gary said he thought that speech she made at the end of the interview was great about how her friends all respect Howard the way they do.
Jon took a call from a guy who had called in during the show asking if they took a photo together and wondering if Howard was going to watch tonight. Gary said they didn't take a picture but they usually do.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that interview was great with Rachel. He said it was great to go from a Penthouse model one day to Rachel Maddow the next.
Gary wondered if Scott DePace thinks that Rachel is intelligent. Jon said he'd like to know too but Scott is busy doing a shoot right now so he can't come in.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the girls on The View have walked off their own show at times. He wondered if Howard would walk off. Gary said Howard would never walk off any show. Jon said he thinks that the girls are going to bask in his glory. Jon wondered if the Tonight Show ever came up. He said that he is doing Jimmy Fallon and the Today Show. Gary said he's pretty sure Howard won't do The Tonight Show. Jon said that Howard will be doing The View and that should be interesting to watch.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they think Rachel is bi-sexual. Jon and Gary said they don't think so. The caller also asked if they think Howard will ever do Leno. They had just talked about that and the caller must not have heard that. Gary said they just spent 3 minutes discussing that like 2 minutes ago. The caller said he must have missed that. They had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Mike if he kept it professional today. Mike said of course he did. He said that he always does. Gary asked what the right amount of time to wait is to ask her out. Mike said that she lives in California somewhere so he'd never see her. Mike said if she came to New York he might ask her to call him.
Benjy said there was something on the notes that said with a bottle of wine she'd fuck Gange. Gange said he heard about that. He said that she said she would go out with him for a bottle of wine or something like that.
Jon asked Ronnie what's really going on. Ronnie said Gange is infatuated with this girl. He said that Gange wouldn't leave her side when they were out in Vegas once. He said Gange wouldn't shut up and talked to her for a full hour. Ronnie said she failed to show up to dinner one night and Gange was really bummed out. Gange said he wasn't that upset.
Gange said he thinks that Aspen is into women and he knows he doesn't have a shot. He said he might take her out to dinner if he can.
Jon said that line is tough to cross. Gary said it's not that tough. Gary said he's not sure what his move would be. Gange said he would try to make sure next time she's in the city he'll ask her out. Jon said that he might just end up being her friend. Gange said he knows that.
Gary said that Gange could take her out and he'll plant a kiss on her and next time she's on the air she'll tell the story. Gange said they have new girls every month and he doesn't want it to seem like he's hitting on every one of them.
Jon asked Gange about the Ugly Meter and what he thinks about the way Ronnie is reacting. Gange said that he got him a t-shirt that says ''I am a Zero'' on it and he took it and hit him on the head with it. He said he thinks that he's very upset. Ronnie said he's really upset, just like Leiberman. He said he can't sleep at night. Ronnie was joking about that. He said at least he can get chicks and take them home with him.
The guys asked Ronnie if he thinks he's better looking than the guys who scored higher than him. Ronnie said he thinks he might be on the same level as some of them. He said he knows he's better looking than Leno. Ronnie said he's not better looking than Gregg Karmel though.
Jon Leiberman said that Ronnie might look good on an AARP level. Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks he's better looking than Howard. Ronnie said he doesn't look at it that way. He wouldn't say he's better looking than Howard. Benjy said he's in the hot class with Will and Gregg. Ronnie said there have been interns that like Will and Robin is in love with Karmel. He said he doesn't look at guys in that way.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gange is too much. He said it's once a month with him and these girls. He said that he should keep it on the DL and not ruin it. Gange said he blames it on Ronnie for going around telling everyone. The caller said Ronnie is a lot older than them and they have to give him a break because of his age. Jon said he might have been a good looking guy when he was younger. He said he may have reformed his look over the years. Ronnie said he used to have a mullet but he doesn't have that anymore. He got rid of that and the afro. They had to take another break a short time later.
Leiberman said he doesn't like being the center of attention. He said that he likes to watch what's going on back there.
Gary said that Leiberman was out in the hall talking to himself when Howard brought him up today. Shuli said Jon has been back there screaming about it since it happened. He said it's not just what you hear on the air.
Benjy asked if he questions his own looks now. Jon said they're all a little bit self conscious. Ronnie said that Jon is kind of effeminate. He said he looks very odd today. Leiberman asked if they were kidding him. Shuli said he's been the talk of the office today.
Benjy asked if Leiberman's girlfriend has tried to talk him down telling him he looks fine. Leiberman said that she has done that. He said she's told him that the app is bullshit. Ronnie said she goes to the bathroom and cries after that. Leiberman asked if he really wanted to go there. Ronnie asked where he was going.
Jon asked if anyone there had purchased the app. Gange said that one of the Howard TV guys, who is a good looking guy, got the app and got a 3. Jon said that guy, Charlie, has a really thick beard. Leiberman said that shows there's a flaw in the app. They had to end the show a short time later at 11:00am.
In the clip Howard was talking about his TV show and how their producer is insisting on a meeting but he doesn't want to do one. Robin said she knows that they're going to ask her about ideas for the news. She said she's going to have to come up with a crystal ball at that moment.
Howard said they have to give the guys some things to do on the show. Howard said they only have two guys working on the show. He said they say they're not TV professionals but they are great. Howard said he just wants to go home.
Howard said Jackie has to sound off to him about when he's not happy. He said that he complains about not being paid for some things. Howard said he just wants him to prepare some stuff for the upcoming shows. Howard asked Jackie if he was late this morning. Jackie said he was. Howard did his impression of Jackie and talked about being late.
Howard said that Fred and Robin don't bitch to him about work. He said Jackie is the only one. Howard said you just have to keep your spirits up and not be a downer. He did more of his impression of Jackie's complaining. Howard said he's not going to keep doing that.
Howard said they have to get their itinerary straight. Howard said they have Kurt Waldheim Jr.(Fred) coming up. He asked Kurt if he was ready. Kurt said he could be ready by Wednesday.
Howard asked if they had the questions for the spokesmodel that they had coming in. Howard said he's not sure what he did with them. He said Jackie is the one who lost them. Howard said Gary is supposed to make copies and give them out to everyone but they'll always blame him for losing them. Howard said he's not sure how he's supposed to keep track of that and do the show at the same time.
Howard told Fred and Jackie to team up with Gary on that. Gary said he didn't get the questions so he can't make copies if he didn't get them. Howard said that it must be Jackie then. Jackie said he agrees with what Fred said. Howard said Jackie blames the ''endless abyss'' for that. Jackie said he asks for them back so he doesn't lose them. Gary said they should give them to him so he can make copies.
Howard said he's sure the questions are around there somewhere. He told Jackie to just write 3 more. Howard told the guys what they were going to do this morning. He had an Ed McMahon article he wanted to get to. Robin said that was a new one. Howard said his life changes rapidly.
Howard said someone said to him that they do a retouch job in the photos that he takes. Howard said that they're not supposed to mention this person's name. Howard said he swears on his mother's giant panties... or her left breast... that he didn't do any retouching on those photos.
Howard said that Jackie is very cheap. Gary said he's very generous when it comes to certain things. He said it's tough to get money out of him for bagels and stuff but he will take him out to lunch and he'll have you over for dinner and he'll go all out with lobster. Howard didn't now that's how Jackie was. Robin said he's pulling those lobsters out of the bay so they're probably contaminated.
Howard told Gary that Jackie has to take people to the Friar's club. He said that he has a minimum amount to spend there and if he doesn't then he still gets charged the same amount. Gary said he could take someone else but he's taking him. Howard said he's been there and they tell him that they get charged anyway so they might as well eat. Howard told Jackie he's sorry for blowing that for him.
In this clip Howard and Robin were in the middle of the news when OJ Simpson stopped in. OJ was on the board of Infinity Broadcasting at the time. When OJ came in Howard spent a few minutes talking to him about what he's up to and OJ talked about his divorce and how that all happened.
Howard asked OJ about his kids and things like that. OJ said he'd like to have two more. OJ had to give up half his money to his wife 3 times. He said he remarried one of them. Howard said it's no wonder he runs through the airport all the time.
Howard talked to OJ about his wife leaving him. Howard asked if it was about sex. OJ said he's never had any problems with that. He told Howard that his wives are all very pretty. Howard asked sexual questions and OJ kept telling him to ''Lookout!'' Howard asked if he goes to private beaches and has his girlfriend take her top off. OJ must have confirmed it with a nod. He told Howard he's having a good life. He said he really has to leave though.
Howard asked if his head explodes from the beauty he sees with these girls. OJ said he pleads the fifth. Howard said that's probably the last time they'll see him. He said he's a very attractive man. Robin said he really is a manly man. Robin said all you have to do is play football for a few years and you can have that life too.
Howard said that's a really funny scene in Naked Gun when the car takes off on him. Gary said he just met him in the lobby. He said he can't believe he's been out of football for like 10 years and he looks like he could play tomorrow. Robin said he doesn't look any older either. Howard said Robin must find him attractive. Gary said they all know he's an attractive guy.
Howard said OJ's girlfriend is beautiful. Howard said that he said he was with his wife for 15 years and that's actually about right. Howard said OJ put in his time and moved on. Howard said he'd be doing the same thing if he could.
The Gossip Game With Guest Playmate Linn Thomas. 3/29/02. 8:20am
Playboy Playmate Linn Thomas came in to play the Gossip Game this morning. Howard also had Wood Yi (Steve the Engineer the Woody Allen sound-alike) come in to hit on Linn again. The last time she was on Wood Yi came on strong to the beautiful Asian model so he wanted to do that again. Howard spent a short time talking to Linn about her latest Penthouse magazine shoot and stuff like that. She said over at Penthouse they're now over the urination shots so she's not doing that.
Howard had Wood Yi talk a little bit to Linn so he could try to pick her up. He had some great lines like:
Howard eventually got around to the Gossip Game and got Mike Walker on the phone. Here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
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In the clip Howard came back from a break with some Van Halen playing. Howard rocked out to that for a few seconds and then played some of Jackie's music after Robin wondered why Jackie never became a big star with his music.
Howard played one of Jackie's songs (Roll Out The Reefer) and said it sounds like 20 guys singing. Jackie said it's two guys singing with their voices doubled up. Howard asked what he's playing in that song. Jackie said they were at a party playing music and his partner smiled at him. That's what he was singing about. He was singing about drinking and pot as usual. Howard said it sounds like he's having a good party going with beer but then he has to smoke pot to bring it that extra mile.
Jackie said that the song is about his 27th birthday and the candles were pot. Howard said he never knew that. Howard played more of the song and Fred played a bong bubbling sound in the background.
Howard was going over all of the lyrics and figuring out what Jackie was singing about. Howard told Jackie not to try and be funny answering his questions. Howard cut Jackie off from explaining his lyrics and played more of the song.
Howard said in the song the girls are tired. Then they smoke some reefer and they start partying more. Howard said this is a grown man singing about this. Jackie said he wrote it in 1971. Howard said ''sure you did.'' Howard let the song play through and said he sounded like he was 50 in 1971.
Howard said he's not sure where his influences came from but it sounds like he came from the Ozarks. Jackie said he wrote it in Albuquerque. Howard said ''Cold Gold'' is just about the same song but it's about beer. Howard played that one too. Jackie said they're right there with that stuff.
Howard said Jackie has spent more time thinking about what beer does to you than he has drinking it. Howard had Fred play more of that song. Fred threw in some of Jackie's weird noises while that was playing. Howard said he can't take anymore. He told Fred to cut it off.
Robin asked Jackie to write a song today. She wants to hear what that would be like. Jackie said he'll write one called ''Cold Globes'' about Robin. Howard said that's very nice. Jackie said he could write ''Roll Out the Hooters'' too. Howard told him to get busy with that.
Howard threw out some song ideas and they settled on ''Baby What You Want Me To Do.'' Chris and Phoebe took turns singing the song.
In the clip Howard said that Stuttering John went to an Oscar Party at Elaine's. He said that's a weird thing that people hang out and watch the Oscars like that. Howard said John got some interviews there at the party. He said the first celebrity was Al Roker.
Howard played the clip of John interviewing Al Roker who is like a grown up Urkel. He played the clip and John asked about the Jews running show business. Al said thanks for the interview and left.
Next up was Mike Wallace. John asked him a simple question and Mike gave a quick answer and walked away. Next up was Walter Cronkite. John asked Walter if there are any pictures of him without his moustache. Walter said he doesn't know of any. John asked if he would ever do a sitcom. Walter said he has appeared on a couple. He walked off and John let him go. Howard said he thought that easing him into the interview would have worked since he usually runs off right away. Howard said he ran off anyway. John said he's going to just ask one good one if he's in that situation again. Howard said he should do that. Howard wondered if that's a bad idea giving him the leeway to do that.
Howard said John talked to Elle Macpherson next. John asked Elle who the vice president is. Elle asked if he was trying to make fun of her. He said he wasn't but she walked away.
Howard had John's interview with Hugh Downs next. John got in one question and Hugh was done. Howard said he thought he had a bunch for him. John said he just had generic questions.
Next up was Donald Trump. John asked if he thinks Mike Tyson should be chained up like Mighty Joe Young when he's not fighting. Trump just told John he's doing great.
Pia Zadora was up next. John asked her if she thinks about Pee Wee Herman. She said she does all the time. That was it. Next up was Regis Philbin. John asked him how he feels working for Disney when Walt was anti-Semitic. Regis said he didn't know. John asked him a question about Kathie Lee and Regis didn't answer.
Next up was Carol Jenkins who was a news reporter for a local TV channel in New York. John asked her why the networks are so anti-black. She didn't answer.
Howard said Regis' producer Michael Gellman was up next. Howard said he doesn't even know who he is. Gary said that John stutters on every word with this guy. John asked him if he ever dry heaves when he sees Kathie Lee kiss that antique Frank Gifford. Someone told John to clean it up and stop asking questions like that. Gellman had walked away already.
Howard said that Russell Simmons was up next. John got stuck on a word and Russell answered anyway. John asked him if he thinks OJ is innocent or guilty. Simmons said he doesn't know, he hasn't been following it. John asked Simmons if he's ever masturbated while driving. Simmons said he doesn't drive.
In the clip Howard had Tim Matheson come in for an interview. Howard said this guy was in ''Animal House'' and he's a good looking guy. Howard asked what he was doing at DC101 if he's a real star. Robin said she was in heaven. Howard said he's not sure why he was there walking around the halls.
Howard said that today is the day he takes calls from people with problems. He took one call from a kid who asked to hear some Peter Frampton. Howard told the kid he shouldn't be calling in every day. He should be in school.
Howard gave Tim some plugs for his new movie ''A Little Sex'' and talked to him about that a little bit. Howard had sound effects of a phone ringing going on behind him as he read a live commercial and talked to Tim.
Howard let Tim go a short time later and said that he can talk about him now that he's gone. Howard said he doesn't think that he was that good looking. Howard goofed on him for a minute. Robin asked Howard to please take care of the phones ringing. Howard cut the clip off. Robin said he really was a good looking guy.
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A Quick Visit With KISS' Ace Frehley And Chuck Zito. 03/29/05. 7:50am
After the break Howard brought in Ace Frehley from the band KISS. Howard said he doesn't know a lot about Ace but Sal the Stockbroker does. Ace is in a movie called ''Remedy'' which is available on DVD. Chuck Zito came walking in before Ace did. Howard was kind of surprised to see him walk in. Ace told Howard about this movie and explained what it's about. Chuck is also in the movie playing a police captain. Howard said that's quite a change for Chuck.
Howard asked Ace if he's in the band right now. Ace said he's not currently touring with them. Howard asked him if he hates Gene Simmons. Ace said he loves Gene and wouldn't say a bad word about the guy. Howard asked him if he thinks they go a little bit overboard with the KISS merchandise. Ace said they do tend to go a little overboard with that stuff. Ace talked about how the band didn't become KISS until he joined. He didn't think that their previous name, Wicked Lester, would make it. Ace told Howard about his wife and daughter and said that he's one of the happiest guys in the world. He didn't come in to talk about KISS so he sounded kind of bummed out while he was talking about it.
Ace bailed out of the band when they decided to open up for a band that opened for them years ago. That band was Aerosmith. Gary came in after that and said that Ace's manager wanted him to leave because he didn't want him talking about the KISS stuff. Howard said that he hoped he didn't want to offend anyone so he'd give Ace a plug for the movie. He moved on to talk to Chuck Zito for a short time. Chuck says he's out of the Hells Angels at this point but he's still friends with those guys.
Robin asked Chuck about being at Scores the night that Ralph got punched out. Some people thought that it was Chuck who beat Ralph up but Chuck had no idea what happened. He said that Ralph told him he got punched in the face for no reason but Chuck knows that people don't get punched in the face for no reason. Chuck told Howard that he just finished a new movie called ''Carlito's Way: The Beginning'' which is a prequel to the original ''Carlito's Way.'' Howard didn't want to get in anymore trouble with Ace's manager so he gave him a plug for the movie and started to wrap up the segment. Ace told Howard he's working on a movie treatment now that involves motorcycles and aliens. Howard said he'd take a break and find out what he did wrong. Gary came back in and said that the manger told him that they were there to talk about the movie, not about Ace.
Sal the Stockbroker came in dressed up as Ace Frehley in KISS. He told Ace that he got beat up in school because he dressed up like him but he has continued to dress up like him anyway because he's such a great guy. Sal was going off on the rest of the band members and how Ace is KISS and it was his band. After that Howard gave Ace and Chuck another plug for the movie and said you can visit RemedyTheMovie.com to find out more about it.
Sal The Stockbroker's Paranoia Exposed. 03/29/05. 8:15am
Howard came back from break and said that he felt like he was in the band KISS and they just broke up. He explained how Ace's manager didn't want them talking about anything negative with Ace and the band KISS so he called it off. Howard said Ace seems like a real nice guy. Robin said that Sal was trying to ask Ace questions about the band but Ace interrupted him and asked him to take a picture of him and Howard. Sal asked Ace to pose in a picture with him and things got kind of crazy in there. Howard said that Sal was acting all nervous and asked Ace to take a picture with him. Howard told Sal that he shouldn't be asking guests for pictures like that because he works there. Sal said that he thinks that he was saying things that Ace is afraid to say so he figured Ace would want to take a picture. Robin and Howard told Sal that Ace was trying to avoid him but he didn't even realize it. Howard told Sal that he's mentally ill and shouldn't have been acting the way he was. Howard said Sal and Ace posed for a picture that Jason took. Then Sal wanted them to take a picture using Ace's camera. Howard thinks that Sal is really odd because he thinks that Ace is going to remember his name and show off the picture to his friends. Sal promised Howard that this would never happen again.
Howard heard that he gave Ace a CD of his prank calls he did back in high school. Sal said he did that because he knows Ace likes to hear prank calls while he's on the road. Howard warned Sal to never hand anything to guests again and told Sal he was coming off as being retarded. He also told him that if he wants to go back to being a superfan stalker, he can do that but not while he's working there. Gary came in and brought up some of the weird stuff Sal has done there. He spit on a porn star, he goofed on Jon Stewart when he was up there one time and that's stuff he really shouldn't do to guests. Sal said that was his first week there and he hasn't done anything weird since then. Gary said there have been other things he's done like getting really large pictures of porn star private parts so he can get them autographed. Sal said he thought that was funny but it's Sal interacting with guests. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that he has asked Sal not to interact with guests many times. Sal said that he has asked him not to do that and he doesn't interact with them.
Sal went off on Gary who was apparently making faces behind his back. He said that it's fine with him if he busts his balls on the air but it's not cool to make faces behind him. Howard said that Sal goofs on Gary all the time and he's never seen Gary make faces behind him. Howard asked Doug Goodstein if he's ever seen it. Doug said that Sal is being very hypocritical right now because he makes more faces behind Gary than Gary does to Sal. Howard said that he's never seen Gary do anything like that behind Sal's face so he doesn't know what he's talking about. Sal was getting upset over all of this and was freaking out about everything. Richard Christy came in and said it seems like Sal thinks that he's got it in for him. He's apparently getting really paranoid about the way he's been treated on the show and thinks that they avoid talking about what he does there at the show (he's a writer). Gary said that Richard remains calm at all times and Sal will get really wound up about stuff that he really shouldn't be upset about.
Gary said that Sal will tell everyone else out in the office that certain ideas for bits were his idea even though he won't tell Howard about them. Jason came in and told Howard that Sal and Richard do argue about who came up with the ideas first. Gary said he doesn't know what's in Sal's head because he likes Sal and he doesn't do anything like roll his eyes behind his back. That's all just his paranoia.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and let some people goof on Sal. One guy asked Howard to come down to Philly and take a picture with him. One caller said that Sal is acting like Stuttering John did when he was there and he should be calling Sal ''Stuttering Sal.'' Gary said that Sal can't just move on from this stuff and he doesn't hear what they're telling him. Howard asked Sal if he understood why they were telling him not to bother a guest like he did. Sal pretended to understand but then he said that he didn't get it. Sal said he thought that Ace was a big fan of Howard's and maybe he thought that it was cool to be there and that he'd want a picture of him. Howard said that Ace didn't ask him to take a picture so he should have just dropped it. Howard made Sal repeat after him and say ''I will think.'' Robin added ''... not like Sal.'' Robin was also saying that Sal seems to think that someone might think that he's not as funny as Richard. Sal said that they're painting a picture that makes it look like he's paranoid but he's not. Sal said that Richard has a ''serial killer comedic'' mind. He seems to think that he's trying to bury other people even though he's walking around with a smile. Howard had to cut everyone off and take a break.
In the clip Howard said they had a new advertiser on the station. He played a bit that was for a Don Imus comedy school. Fred was the announcer and they had audio clips of Imus at some event telling really lame jokes.
Howard said that's the Incredibly Bad School of Comedy commercial. Howard said Imus will never beat him in the ratings. He said Imus believes that he was a bad boy that night and that he took on the establishment. Howard said he's just bad. Howard said the guy just doesn't get that it's his delivery that isn't good. Howard said Imus thinks he was like Lenny Bruce ripping those people apart but no one was laughing. Howard said the guy can't read and he's bonking into microphones. Howard said he made the news because he was so boring.
Howard said someone asked if next year they're going to have Howard Stern. Howard said he's been asked to make appearances like that but you have to know your audience. Howard said he can't do politely rude comments. Howard said that Imus wasn't making anyone laugh. He just bombed.
Evil Dave Prank Call And Name Game. 03/29/07. 7:15am
Howard said he had another Evil Dave game to play. This time they had Dave trying to pronounce celebrity names and the guys had to guess if he was going to get them right or not. Howard said they had a telemarketer call them up thinking they were calling David Letterman. He asked for that call so he could play it before the game. He got it a short time later. In the call a telemarketer from a graphic design program calls him and asks how he got involved with it. Dave asked him what race most of the students are. He wanted to make sure he was online with a white person. He also said he wanted to know how old the other person was online. Dave told him that ''white is right.'' He also asked the guy to whisper ''Touch me David'' but he wouldn't do that. Dave told him that Paul Shaffer was beating off in the corner while they spoke. Dave jerked him around for a little longer before the guy hung up on him.
Howard moved on to the Evil Dave game. He gave names and asked the guys if they think Dave would pronounce them correctly when he read them off a sheet of paper. Here are the names and what Dave said:
Howard got back to the game but there were more errors so he had to stop the game. He told Sal that he had really screwed that up when he transferred it to CD. He played a bunch of other ones trying to figure out where they were on the list. Dave had some luck with most of the other names he said.
Howard wanted to play a Lily Tomlin prank call they had made but he had to find out what time he had played it last time. He looked that up but Robin asked him to play his own meltdown. Howard and Gary both said they didn't want to replay that.
Howard played a clip of Evil Dave making an appearance on The Intern Show last week. Dave says the term ''pillow biter'' wrong when he says ''pillow bitter.'' Dave also joked around about the internship programs they have going on over at Late Show. He also commented on the Sanjaya American Idol thing. Howard thought he was being kind of good on that show. He seemed to be more relaxed there than he is when he's on his show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Lynda Lopez was talking about him on a local FOX affiliate. She was encouraging people to go with it. So was Danny Bonaduce according to the caller. The guy also asked Artie if he's going to be at opening day at Yankee Stadium. Artie said he is planning on being there.
Ozzy Osbourne Comes In With His Family. 3/29/00. 7:50am
Ozzy Osbourne his wife Sharon and their son Jack all came in this morning. Ozzy is out promoting his upcoming Ozzfest tour which kicks off on July 2nd down in Palm Beach, Florida.
It didn't take long for Howard and Robin to bring up what Ozzy is worth. They read an article the other day that said he's only worth about $48 million. He's obviously made a lot more than that so Howard and Robin wondered where it all went. Ozzy says his family spends it all as it comes in. Sharon said something about that $48 Million being just what they claimed on their income tax. She denied hiding money though.
Howard also spoke to Jack about being Ozzy's son. Jack was on the show a few years ago but now he's 14 and his voice is changing. He told Howard that he doesn't get many chicks at this point in his life because he only has 52 kids in his class and they all find him to be ''weird''. Ozzy's proud that Jack is ''a chip off the old block'' being weird and all.
Ozzy told Howard a story about how there are always kids coming around his house to visit his kids. One day Ozzy was watching TV and the doorbell rang. He got up and answered it thinking it was just a few of the kids friends. He opened the door and told the kids where his kids were. It turned out to be a tour bus group that showed up on his doorstep. The next thing he knew there were 18 people walking all over his house while he was in his Jockey shorts scratching his ass.
Howard also heard that Ozzy has Pat Boone as a neighbor and that they throw dog crap on his lawn. Ozzy says he doesn't do it himself but once got a Pat Boone album with a thank you note saying ''thanks for the fertilizer''. Sharon said that her daughter once pulled Pat's phone number out of the phone book and called up his house. Pat answered the phone ''Hello, Pat Boone's office'' and the daughter said to him ''Liar, this is your house'' and hung up on him. What a fun family!
Ozzy and Howard discussed how his family uses up his money and how he's stuck with them all the time now. He said that they even go on tour with him now. Ozzy and his wife take one tour bus while the kids get their own. Ozzy said that he doesn't like having the family with him but he's got no choice.
We also learned that Ozzy is still the kid in the family. Jack actually turns into a father figure and has to lecture Ozzy on some of the stuff he does. Sharon also has to control Ozzy because he's so irresponsible. Ozzy says he sometimes feels like a slave because he's the one going out and making all of the money while his family spends it all.
When Howard asked Ozzy about the tour it was Jack who knew the lineup for the bands. He rattled off a bunch of bands that will be playing in the Ozzfest tour including Ozzy, Pantera, Godsmack, Static X, Incubus and a bunch of others.
Before Ozzy left Howard brought in Alexis who wrote a letter to Howard saying that she wanted to meet Ozzy because he's her god. She came in and started crying because she was so thrilled to meet her god. Howard noticed her huge breast implants right away. Alexis told Ozzy that she has learned a lot of valuable lessons from his music. She said she lost her mother as a child and his song ''Goodbye to Romance'' taught her to keep going even when she's down. She even said that she has imaginary conversations with Ozzy. When she has a crisis she'll question Ozzy, in her mind, as to what she should do. She'll go with what she thinks Ozzy would tell her to do. Both Ozzy and Jack gave Alexis a hug before she left. Howard asked her if she'd have sex with 14 year old Jack but she said that would be wrong.
Jesse James And Pope Discussions. 03/29/10. 6:45am
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Foxx Hole crew and Jamie Foxx were saying Howard is irrelevant now. Howard said the truth is that it's just the opposite. He said that he can't stay off of these shows where they talk about what he does. He said they analyze everything he says on his show. Howard said that people tell him that he should do other TV shows but he's already over exposed.
Howard said they were reporting on the Jesse James interview that they replayed last Friday. He played some clips of some news reports about that replay. In the clips they played some of the audio from the show where Jesse talked about his relationship with Sandra Bullock.
Howard said he was reading more about Jesse James and the chicks he was with. He talked about the girl that had tattoos all over her body and face. He said that's really hard core stuff. Howard said he wants to get some tear drops on his face to make people think he killed a bunch of people.
Howard said he was reading about some kids who were on a subway over the weekend. they threw some garbage out the door and this one guy got hit by it and he ended up stabbing one of them to death. Howard said he doesn't understand why someone would just throw garbage out the window like that. He said someone is going to have to pock it up. Robin said they're not thinking about that and they're just kids who are irresponsible. Howard said that they haven't caught that guy.
Howard said he was reading about the Pope this weekend too. He said that when the Pope was a Cardinal he apparently covered up some sexual abuse stuff. He said that this priest was abusing deaf boys and one of the priests reported it to the Pope when he was still a cardinal. He said that the guy covered up the whole thing. Howard said they went to this Ratzinger guy and filled him in on what was going on and the offender just said he was repenting and said he wasn't doing it anymore. Howard said they covered it up and just let it be.
Howard said if you take this outside of the church and make it regular people then it's going to be a huge thing and everyone would be in jail. Howard said that people would be freaking out if this wasn't church related. Howard said what should really happen is that it should go to court and someone should be held accountable for what went on. He said those kids are probably fucked up from having that kind of thing done to them and someone should go to jail over it.
Howard said that they had some kind of service over the weekend and they were having people pray for the Pope because they felt like they were going after him. Howard said that something has to be done in an official way and they have to stop all of this from going on.
George Takei Molestation Story. 03/29/10. 6:55am
George said he had a camp counselor who came on to him. Howard asked him for some details on that. George said that he must have had that ''Gaydar'' thing. George said there were just two boys per cabin at the time and this guy came into his cabin. Howard said he had never heard of a camp where it was just two kids per cabin.
Howard asked what happened with the guy and George said that the other boy was away doing something else. He said the camp counselor came in and started talking and exposed himself to him. He said they were going to compare themselves to each other. He said that it was shocking and wonderful though. Howard asked if he was shocked by the hair on his penis. George described what the guy looked like and how he had blonde hair on a very tan arm. He said he showed him his chest hair that was blond as well. He also showed him his blond pubic hair. Howard asked what he said to him. George said he touched that. Fred threw in his ''I like to touch'' clip during that.
Howard asked if he blew him. George did get blown by the guy. George said it was just the one time but it was near the end of the summer when it happened. George said that Howard always gets him to say stuff that he never says. George said that years later he was watching the news and there were some plane hijacking's going on at the time. He said that this one plane got hijacked and one of the people interviewed was this guy. George said that he recognized him right away. Howard asked if he jerked off when he saw him on TV. George said he didn't do that. He said he just recognized him.
Is Howard Difficult To Work With? 3/29/00. 6:55am
Is Howard really difficult to work with? That's the question that we found out the answer to this morning. It turns out that quite a few people do find him difficult. General Manager Tom Chiusano is one to finds Howard difficult. He told Howard that he thinks that he sometimes pushes a point just to be confrontational. Howard told Tom that he doesn't do that. He says that he will fight for something that he thinks is right for the show and he won't compromise on certain things. Even Robin was saying that Howard is hard to work with and he doesn't see it himself. Howard seemed to ignore what Robin was saying though. Howard eventually brought in Robin Radzinski and Scott DePace to see if they find him difficult. Radzinski said that she doesn't find him difficult at all. Howard said that Radzinski should take over Tom's job because she understands his wants and needs for the show. Scott DePace told Howard that he finds him a little difficult to work with. Howard has complained about things like lighting in the past and DePace thinks that's the difficult thing about him.
In the clip Howard played a new parody of the Doogie Howser TV show called ''Doody Dell'Abate.'' Billy West played Doody's friend Vinnie. Billy also played Doody's mother who said that the apostrophe in Dell'Abate was actually a booger that was sneezed out on the paperwork when they came to this country. They also had Doody typing at the end of the show like they did on Doogie Howser. Doody wrote that he discovered that if he eats broccoli his pee smells.
In the clip Robin was reading about this guy in the news who had been caught having sex with his dog. He video taped the event and forgot he had it on tape. He loaned the video camera to some friends and they sat down to watch the tape and saw this guy doing his thing with the dog.
Robin said the dog was a bull terrier. Howard said he was going to ask. They talked about how cute those dogs are. Howard did his NAMBLA guy voice and said that was the Man Dog Love Association.
Robin read a story about a woman who sexually assaulted her son. Robin said she may have done it with a pit bull. Howard said some women have sex with their children and don't realize it's wrong. Howard said he knows a woman who regularly committed sodomy on her son. He said he can't say who it is. Howard said the person is dead now though. Robin said he should tell her who it is. Howard said it was his great grandmother. He was just kidding. Robin read more about that story and said that the mother claimed that she had come home and found the boy naked. Robin said they found a substance in the boy's rectum that may have been dog semen. Fred played a Jackie laugh after that.
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In the clip Robin was reading about how this guy known as Uncle Ed Savitz was collecting and saving underwear that he collected from young boys. Robin said he was an actuary. Howard said that's a great job to have from what he's heard. Robin said this guy Ed had a lot of things going on at the school he worked at. Robin read about all of the honors he had and things like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who called in and said it's a sad day in Philly. He said he can't go get his Friday night beer money anymore. He said he sold Ed some of his underwear. Howard said if you went to see him and he liked you he'd give you like $30. The caller said they'd go there on a Friday and he'd get like $25. Howard said Ed eventually got pissed off at them if they didn't do him ''favors.'' The caller said that he would give you pot for more things.
The caller said Ed would ask you to take your underwear off in front of him. He said they didn't call him Uncle Ed either. They called him Fast Eddie. The caller told Howard how things worked when they'd go up to Ed. He said that his friend had been going to him for a while before he did. The caller said he had a nice house and the guy obviously had money. He said the doorman knew what was going on there too. He said Ed may have thrown him a few bones here and there.
Howard said this is a beautiful obituary. The caller told Howard about how some of the kids were giving Ed sexual favors. He said some did it and some didn't. He said those guys may have been destined to be gay anyway.
Howard asked how young the boys were. The caller said the youngest he ever saw was like 16. He said they made him out to be a total villain but everyone knew what was going on. He said the guy wasn't a bad guy. He was just weird sexually.
Howard asked the caller about what Ed would do to get his underpants. The caller said his friend had a rapport going with Ed and he'd do all of the talking. He said his friend would do things with Ed. Howard cut him off and asked if he kissed him hello. The caller said he didn't do that. He said he would talk to Ed and tell him they were looking for cash. Ed would tell his friend what he was looking for.
Howard asked if Tom would go to the bathroom on Ed. The caller said he would do that. He said he did it a couple of times. He said his friend, Tom, would do whatever he had to do. The caller said he was laughing his ass off at what was going on. He said he knows his friend was dumping on him and he would just laugh.
Howard asked if the caller ever went to the bathroom on the guy. The caller said he could never bring himself to do it to another man. He did think about doing it but he never did. Howard asked how much he made total. The caller said he got $25 about 3 times. Howard let that guy go and Jackie asked why it seems so much worse if someone was watching. He said it's bad enough that he was doing it but it's even worse when someone is watching.
In the clip Howard had Fred the Elephant Boy come in so he could read this letter to him. He read the letter and the person said that she was interested in him and she wanted to help. She said she's 25 and of average in intelligence and looks. Howard said he thinks she's above average in looks. She had a picture included in the letter.
Howard asked Fred if he had a new hair cut. Fred said he got it done for a Bar Mitzvah he went to. He said he's going to stick to it for the time being.
Howard showed Fred the picture of the girl. Fred asked if she's really a loner. He said she's beautiful. Howard said he really likes her, right? Fred said there must be some kind of angle there. He said she must not have written it down in the letter.
Howard called the woman, Lori, and asked if those pictures were accurate. She said they are. Howard asked if they're the best ones she's ever taken and she looks good in those but not in real life. She said they're pretty much her. Howard asked if she's chunky. She said she's 5'3'' and 110 pounds. She said she's only a 34-B though. Fred was fine with that.
Howard asked Lori not to hurt Elephant Boy. She said she wouldn't do that. Howard had Fred talk to her. Fred asked about going on a date and Lori asked if he's a risk taker. Fred said he is. Howard said maybe he should fly out there today to meet her. Howard said if she takes too long to get out there then she might end up getting married before it happens.
Howard asked Lori what kind of wild things she's done. She said she likes to get attention and cause some controversy. She said she's not sure how to answer what she does. She said if someone tells her not to do something she'll just do it. Howard asked if she makes out on the sidewalk and things like that. Lori said she has done that. She said she'll try anything once.
Howard told Fred not to bring her to any clubs because someone might steal her away. Lori said she wouldn't do that. Howard told Fred not to eat in front of her either. Howard said he saw him eat chips once and it was a mess. Howard told him to just sit there and say he's not hungry. Lori said she likes Italian food. Howard said that's trouble. He told Fred not to eat spaghetti. Fred said he likes pizza and the crust. Howard said that's not good either.
Howard asked Lori when she could be there. She said she's going to be in Buffalo in May. Howard said they can drive him up there for that. Jackie said maybe the Buffalo station can fly him in and he can be her date to the wedding she's going to. Lori said her dad would have a heart attack if he knew she listened to the Howard Stern show. Howard said it sounds like she's embarrassed by Fred. She said she's really not.
Howard said that Elephant Boy is called Elephant Boy because he has a trunk in his pants. Howard said it's not because of his voice.
Howard said this is just another woman burning Elephant Boy. Lori said she'll surprise him. Howard let her go a short time later.
Gary said that the Buffalo station just called and said they'd book a room at the Raddison for them if they want to do that. Lori said that she's going to be staying at a different hotel. Howard asked why she was being so quiet all of a sudden. She said her mom is in the house. Howard asked why she's being so cold all of a sudden. She said she thought they were goofing on her. Howard said she can go on the date the night before the wedding. Lori said that's fine. She said she'll be in on the 31st and she'll meet him then. Howard said maybe Elephant Boy should leave now to get up there. Elephant Boy said this was wonderful.
Howard asked Lori not to goof on Elephant Boy. She said she's not like that. She said she's quite sincere. Howard told Elephant Boy that he should have said it will be great to meet her. He got her back on the line and Fred did that. Lori thanked him for that. Howard put her on hold and Howard gave Fred some things to say to her. Howard tried to mute his voice but Lori could hear him. Howard said the phone system is too confusing. He thought she couldn't hear him.
Howard gave Fred more advice on what to say. Gary asked what day she's flying into Buffalo. She thought it was the 31st but there was no 31st in April. She said it's the 30th then. Howard asked if she's for real. She said she is. She said she's flying in the day before the wedding and that's on May 1st. Howard said Elephant Boy is a real loser if he doesn't get into her pants. He said she should get to 3rd base at least.
Howard said he hopes he's done good by Fred. He said he might need more help. Jackie asked if they're going to take bets on how far he gets. Howard said he bets that they'll end up being friends. He said he may get a kiss but that's about it. Howard said he can hear him now telling them how great a time he had. He did an impression of Fred for a minute talking about that. They wrapped up a short time later.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 11:50am.
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Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:10am.