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Howard and the guys were back live this morning. They'll be live through Friday. Howard started the show talking about being back live. Howard said they're there and they're back for the rest of the week. They're live Thursday and Friday. Howard said people think they won't be there but they will.
Howard said he had a wonderful vacation and he was sick the entire time. He said he thinks he had the flu. Howard said it was so bad he's still getting over it. He said his back was on fire and he was hurting everywhere. He said he was coughing and still coughing. Howard said he's there because he loves Robin and the audience. He said they'll carry on and he'll do the best he can.
Howard said he has a lot to talk about. He said on New Year's Eve he was alone. He said he's very neurotic about his job. He said they went to Mexico and he felt he had to come home a little early. He said he had to get back into the time zone and felt like he had to get home. Howard said he's so dependable and it's insane. Robin asked if anyone didn't make it back. Howard said everyone is there. He said they don't have to talk that much like he does. Howard said he's fucked up. Robin said he got it almost as soon as they got off the air.
Howard said on the Wednesday before vacation they had their Christmas party and he got sick the next day. He said he has four suspects that he could have caught it from. He said one of them was Beth. He said she had a cold and she told him that it wasn't the same thing. He said he let her off the hook but who knows. Howard said he thinks she had it with him during vacation. He said he was walking around moping and depressed.
Howard said he was okay in Mexico but he was coughing a lot. Howard said people wanted to shake his hand and he let them. He said shaking hands is disgusting. He said it's awful and he's making a resolution not to shake hands with anyone from now on. Howard said that apes shake each other's balls. He said he'd rather do that than shake hands. He said your balls are probably cleaner. Robin said their hands are on their balls so she doesn't think it makes much difference.
Howard said he saw a lot of famous people in Mexico. Jimmy Kimmel and his fiancee Molly were down there. He said Jimmy is excited about his show going to 11:30 soon. Howard said that Jennifer Aniston was there and that's where Jimmy was staying. Howard said he stayed at a resort since he wasn't invited to Jennifer's house. Howard said he saw that Emily Blunt was down there too. Howard said her husband is John Krasinski. Howard said that he was hanging out with Jennifer and her fiancee. Howard said that he liked the movie that he was in called Your Highness. He said he loved it. He said it's a medieval movie but it's a stoner movie.
Howard said that Justin is a fan of the show and he tired to visit them once and they were already gone from DC101. Howard said the Greaseman was there and they told him he could meet him and Justin said he wanted to meet Howard Stern. He said he loves that story.
Howard said he saw Stacy Keibler down there too. Howard said that George Clooney was down there too. Howard said he got to hob knob a bit down there. He said everyone is just normal and they just sat around and talked. Howard said he was at a dinner party in Mexico and met Katey Sagal's brother. He said he finances movies for Warner Brothers. He said he learned a lot about how they do the financing. He said that was interesting.
Howard said he got home on New Year's and it was kind of depressing. He said Beth stayed down in Mexico and she was partying with Jennifer and Jimmy and Molly. Howard said he called some fans on New Year's Eve. Robin asked if he drunk dialed. Howard said he wasn't drunk. He said he went on Twitter and called about 20 people. He said he was sober. Robin asked if it was anyone she knows. Howard said it was just fans. He said it was a guy driving a truck and a pregnant woman. He said they were all having boring New Year's Eve. Howard said it was wired when people say they want a call and then they have nothing to say. He said he calls and then they just say happy new year and that's it. Howard said one guy had something to say. He said it was the truck driver who was driving. He said he was glad he called that guy. He said he called a lot of people and 99 percent of them had nothing to say. He said he appreciates that they were brief though. Robin said they didn't bore him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he typed the wrong number for Howard to call. Howard said he knows what he's talking about. He said he called and got an error message. Howard said he tried again and got the same thing. The caller said his kids wanted to talk to Howard. Howard said he's glad that he missed that one then. The guy said that the kids like America's Got Talent.
Howard said he can't even get the schedule for AGT. He said Jennifer said she would be a guest judge. He said he wanted to set that up but he can't get any information from them. Howard said he thinks she came to her senses and decided not to do it after she talked about it. Howard said that the managers always get involved and they back out. He said that it's agents and publicists that get to them.
Howard said he had a good time in Mexico. He said that Justin Theroux was a good guy. He said he enjoyed hanging out with him.
Howard played a clip of Ryan saying ''Gongnam Style.'' Howard said that's over annunciating. Howard said this is like people calling David Bowie ''David Bow-ie'' because that's how they say it in England. Howard said that's Ryan Seacrest. He said he has to know the way they say it in Korea so he's the only retard saying it that way. Howard played another clip of him saying it that way. He had a couple more examples.
Howard said the director of the show was awful. He said they had Jenny McCarthy on the show and he was thinking about how she could be blowing him if he was single. Howard said she was making out with a guy in the audience and she was really going for it. Howard said he wondered if she worries about them having a cold sore or something. Howard said that's her thing though. He said it was kind of weird.
Howard said they hyped Psy for four hours and they were building it up. Howard said he was excited about it. He said Psy has said he will never do the song again. He said he looks like he's bored doing it by this point. Howard said he's going to end up going into obscurity with Vanilla Ice and Hammer. Howard said he wants to ask about his sexuality. He said maybe he shouldn't. Howard said his outfits look kind of gay to him. He said that he's kind of fat too.
Howard said they were hyping up this Psy and then he performs. He said that the director keeps cutting to the audience. Howard said even when the best part is when he says ''Gangnam Style'' and they cut away every time it happens. He said the director clearly doesn't know the song or understand the appeal of it. Howard said then MC Hammer comes out and they cut away when he's dancing. Howard said you can't see a fucking thing. He said he's not sure if they didn't rehearse it or what. Howard said he wanted to see this final performance of Gangnam Style. Robin said he's not going to stop.
Howard said he just found out that Psy is married to a woman. Howard read the name but had a hard time trying to say it. Howard said maybe he'll end up going on tour with Ricky Martin and Chubby Checker. Howard said that could be a good show.
Howard thanked Jason for helping him out with the hot water. Howard said Jason looks like he lost a little weight. Howard said he looks good in his jacket. He said there are some others around there who should be doing the same. Howard said Jason looks like an executive like that. Jason said that's what he's going for. He said he's got like 8 jackets now. Jason said he lost some weight and they are kind of slimming. Howard said Jason has to manage some people there and he's taken more seriously with the jacket. Jason said that's what he's found. Howard thanked him again and let him go. Howard said Jason covers up his ass and it looks good.
Howard said the director of the New Year's Rockin' Eve should go back and watch his shitty directing. He said that no one gives a shit. He said it was just awful. He said he gives it a D-.
Howard said that Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas is very strange. He said that she's not a good broadcaster. He said she poses after reading something. He said she seems to be trying to be a sexy character. Robin said she's seen a lot of that with some people.
JD said he thinks that they taped some of that stuff. Howard said he just doesn't get it. He said she needed some direction. Robin said she's seen models doing that too. Howard said she doesn't need to act sexy. He said she's already sexy. He said maybe that's just the way she is though. Howard said he really doesn't know her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knows what Gangnam Style is. Howard said he already said what it is. He said the guy must not hear the whole show every day.
Howard said that there is no way that Psy will have another hit song. Howard said everyone is sure of that. Howard said maybe he can just dance to other people's songs. Robin said that's the guy you invite to a Bat Mitzvah to dance for everyone. Howard said by the end of this year no one will even remember him. He said he's going to change his last name to Mitzvah. Psy Mitzvah.
Howard said he has some audio of Ryan asking Psy a question and Psy just says ''what?'' Howard said you'd think he could understand him since he over annunciates so much. Howard played the clip and MC Hammer was talking to Ryan and then Ryan asks Psy what he thought when he got the call. Psy just said ''Huh?'' Psy then told Ryan this was like 2012 Psy and didn't make much sense. Howard said it sounds like JD trying to get a sentence out.
Howard said that Psy must have been given answers to give. He played another clip where Ryan asked how it compares to celebrations around the world. Psy said this was his first time there and it was his birthday and he had 2 minutes left and had big enthusiasm. Robin said he's as imperfect as Ryan is perfect at speaking.
Howard said poor Hammer got up and did his Hammer pants dance. He said they broke into another song and the director cut away.
Howard said he saw Psy performing for the president and he changed it to ''Christmas Style'' instead of Gangnam and it upset him. Howard said he like watching it because of that line in the song. He said he would have been really bummed out if that was at his party.
Howard said they went out and asked people about Dick Clark being cryogenically frozen and put in Times Square. He said people got upset about that. Howard played a clip of Sal and Richard asking people about that out on the street. People were saying that's just wrong. Sal and Richard said the family wants it though. The people were saying that maybe a wax figure would be okay. People were saying that they just can't do that with a dead person. Some people were worried that he'd defrost being out there.
Howard said it would be funny if Jenny McCarthy made out with a dead Dick Clark. Howard said they could have a fireman and a regular guy too. Howard said they'd have to make her choose. Howard said they should sew Dick's head on Ryan's shoulder and do a remake of that movie ''The Man with Two Heads.'' Howard said they could stuff Ryan's brain into Dick's head.
Howard said that the nerds at MIT are figuring out how to charge things without a cord. He said that would be really cool. He said you'd just power up from power sources. He said he imagines all of this stuff coming true but then people would only live to 25 from all of the radiation in the air. Howard said that everyone would have cancer. Howard brought up how Hillary Clinton had a blood clot over vacation. Robin said 25 wouldn't be so bad. Howard said he's a mess. He said his body is falling apart and he only sleeps and works.
Howard said he works and then sleeps. He said he slept over vacation and he can't even recover. Howard said it fucking blows.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that he's upset about Beth staying in Mexico. Howard said she stayed there because she had to go to L.A. Howard said she was on her way out there from Mexico. Howard said that's where she is now. King said that he must be upset about that. Howard said he was upset that he wasn't with his wife on New Year's Eve. He said if anyone is mad it's Beth. He said that they really enjoy each other and they're not really mad. King kept going at it like he thinks Howard should be upset. King said he has some advice for Howard. He told him to get her pregnant so she has to stay at home. Howard said that's stupid. Howard said he doesn't need to do that.
Howard took a call from Eric the Actor and asked if he drinks at all and if he was drinking on New Year's Eve. Eric said he doesn't drink. Howard said he has stopped drinking. Howard said he was told not to drink more than one drink a week. He said he figured that he shouldn't bother drinking at all. Howard said he gets club soda with Cranberry juice now. He said he's not fun and it's just over. He said it's just all over.
Howard said he and Eric are a lot alike. Howard asked if he jerked off on New Year's Eve too. Eric said he did. He said he jerked off to some photos of big breasted women he saw on Twitter. Howard asked what time he went to bed. Eric said it was after 3 in the morning. Robin asked what he was doing. Howard said he must have been jerking off. Eric said he was catching up on some stuff he recorded on his DVR.
Howard said Eric has to rub on his sheets to jerk off. He said he has a whole situation. Eric said that's true. Howard said he didn't think he was going to masturbate. He said he was depressed and lonely so he got his iPad out and the thing wasn't connecting to the Wi-Fi. Howard said he got a different one and jerked off to Babysitter porn. Howard said he ran out of Babysitter porn on the one site he was visiting. He said he ash to go to YouPorn for that stuff. Eric said RedTube is another one.
Howard said on YouPorn they have some of the ugliest women. He said they have bellies and stuff. He said that the chicks who masturbate on porn are A quality. He said the ones who do the nasty shit aren't so good looking. He said they have good faces sometimes but not good bodies. Howard said they shouldn't show up to work if they have open sores on their asses either.
Eric told Howard that he's not going to be doing the show on FX that he told them about. He said the quote was too low and they didn't have enough time between now and when they want to do it. Howard said Eric has to get it together. He said that Ronnie shot Cougar Town already and he had a great time. Eric said he blew that one because his SAG dues are not paid up. He said that they wouldn't get paid up between now and the weekend. Howard said they could have paid his dues for him. He said they could have worked that out. Howard said he really has to go. He said FX has some really good shows. Robin said she loves Justified. Howard said he just watched all three seasons of that show. He said it's a great show. Robin said the woman was a great villain. Howard said she won an Emmy for that. Howard said her name was Mags. Howard said she was really good.
Howard said he saw that Justin Bieber went out and got some man tattoos. He said they upset him. He said he's like a man child with those things. Robin said he doesn't look like a man. She said that they look fake on him.
Howard said he's not going to goof on Justin Bieber anymore. He said that some guy in prison wanted to cut his dick off. Howard said the kid is just out there entertaining people. He said that's just not right. Robin said that guy in prison is the kind of guy who beats up gay people. Howard said it was very disturbing to read about that guy wanting to cut his dick off. Howard said he felt bad for the kid. He said he's just a kid who has a mom who put him into that show business stuff. Howard said that's a bit extreme to want to cut his dick off. He said he felt bad for the kid. Robin said Howard is getting a heart. Howard said he really is. That's what he's getting for 2013.
Howard said when he was in Mexico he would use the bathroom at the pool to pee. He said he never even saw another person in the bathroom. Howard said when Beth would go to use it she'd say that it smelled like shit. Howard said the men's room was fine. He said women like to shit in the public bathroom instead of the hotel room so the public bathroom smells. Howard said that's so much pressure. Howard said Beth is right though. She said that it's like non-stop shitting in there. Howard said Beth was just going in there to pee since she doesn't shit. Howard said when he goes on vacation he gets two bathrooms. Howard said some people can't do that and they only have one bathroom. Howard said guys don't care. Robin said she has done that herself. She said that you don't shit in the room. Howard said Robin is so dainty. Howard asked where she went that she wasn't able to do that. Robin said she has had boyfriends in her life. She said she's gone to major hotels on the beach.
Howard asked Robin about how she would do it. Robin said she would tell the guy that she had to go to the gift shop or something and she'd go to the public bathroom. Howard said that's so vile that she has to do that. Howard asked if there are other women shitting. Robin said she never noticed it like Beth did. Robin said she thought she was the only one doing it.
Howard said when your woman goes to the gift shop she might be going to shit. Howard said Robin thought she was a genius for doing that. Meanwhile every woman is doing it.
Howard had a clip that the guys made of Robin shitting. He played that but said he couldn't take it. Howard said he had a clip of Robin watching the movie ''Les Mis'' too. Howard played that and it was a clip of Robin masturbating during the movie.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he was hanging out with Jennifer Aniston down in Mexico. Howard said he talked about that at 6 o'clock. He said he did get to hang out with her a bit. Howard said the paparazzi are around her every minute. He said he's glad though because he was able to keep tabs on what was going on. Robin said that's what Ben Stiller told them when he was there. Robin said that when Justin started dating Jennifer the paparazzi were after her and ignoring him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he heard them talking about the New Year's Rockin' Eve and Jenny McCarthy making out. He said one guy she made out with had a gash on the side of his face. Howard said he was thinking about the kisses and Gary told him that he thinks that it might have been her lipstick. The caller said that the gash was pretty bad. Howard said he's not sure that's true. He said that's one of our service men so give the guy a break.
Howard said they have to take a break too. He said that Bobo is going to come in since the world didn't end. Howard said Bobo was out looking for missile silos to put his family in. Howard said that Sal called Bobo and told him that they needed him there to record something. Howard said Bobo didn't want to come down because he though the world was going to end. He said they set up the studio to shake and have the lights go out to see how he would respond. He said it's hysterical. He said they'll get to that later in the show. Howard said the best part of the whole tape is the world is ending and Bobo goes ''Bobo's not so stupid after all.'' Howard said he was happy he was right. Robin asked if Brian Phelan was having a bad day too. Howard said he was back peddling saying he didn't believe all of that. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said that he saw the Kennedy Center Honors where they honored Led Zeppelin. Howard said that they look really old. He said the show was really good though. He said they had a bunch of guys come out and perform Zeppelin songs. He said Heart came out and did Stairway to Heaven and they had a bunch of black people singing in a chorus. Howard said Heart still sounds great. He said they used to cover a lot of Zeppelin songs.
Howard said Robert Plant's eyes are popping out of his head now. Howard said he looks like Marty Feldman. Howard said he's not sure what happened to the guy. He said he must have had a lot of hard living. Howard said Jimmy Page looks like a woman. He said he looks like your grandmother. Howard said he's going into hiding at their age. He said just imagine what he'll look like. Howard said he's not even sure what age they are but they could be 90. He said that Paul McCartney looks a lot better. He still looks like Paul. Howard said Page and Plant don't look like them at all. Howard said John Paul Jones is thrilled to be with those guys now.
Howard said he's not going to go on about the shootings that happened while they were away. He said that the NRA is so strong and powerful that they can't legislate away guns. Howard said he's going to comment but he'll make it brief. Howard said it's unbelievable what this guy did to the little kids. He said it's awful and beyond comprehension. He said he's been against assault weapons for a long time. Howard said he knows gun people say that we need them because they separate us from other societies. Howard said he's heard all of that shit. He said the weapons fire so rapidly that there is no sport in sport hunting. Robin asked if you can even eat an animal that was shot by one. Howard said he ate a deer once and had about 15 bullets in it.
Howard said he does have guns himself so he's not against owning guns. Howard said assault weapons he just doesn't see. He said that the only meaningful thing that can come out of this is a ban on assault weapons.
Howard said the mother of this kid who did the shooting must have known that the kid was dangerous. Howard said that his plea is that this is a mental health issue as much as it is a gun issue. Howard said we have so many mentally ill people that we can't afford to care for. Howard said that we need to pump public funds into the mental health issue. Howard said we could afford it if we changed our priorities. Howard said the war on drugs could be changed to the war on mental illness. Howard said that we could legalize marijuana and put the tax money into mental illness help. Robin said it's not just guns either. She said that there are mentally ill people who are using bricks and pushing people in front of trains. Robin said that it's fine to have an assault weapon and not use it. She said that she likes the idea of delving into how to help the mentally ill. Howard said they should start with him. He said he needs it. Robin said some people don't know that they have a problem.
Gary said a lot of people think this has to do with video games. He said he knows that there is some violence in them. He said they sold like 300 million copies of Call of Duty and they blame this one shooting on the game. He said he doesn't understand that.
Howard said he got a card from Jesse Ventura this Christmas. Robin said Kreskin never forgets her. Howard said he didn't forget anyone there. Howard said he's really religious too. Howard said that it's very strange when people are so religious they have Jesus on the cross and the manger and all of that. Howard said they know how to take the fun out of Christmas. Howard said they get a little too carried away.
Howard asked if anyone is worshiping the Mayan god now that the world hasn't ended. Howard said that they have to get to Bobo but he's waiting a little bit to bring him in. Howard said that Bobo's wife must be happy that he's out looking for silos during the day.
Howard said Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are going to have a baby together. Howard said he can't imagine the kid being very bright. Howard said that Kim said that she finally has some talent inside of her. Howard said if you thought that ass was massive now then just wait for 8 months. That thing is going to be huge. He said you know she's going to whore out that pregnancy too. He said that Us Magazine just set up a tent in her vagina.
Howard said that Kim is going to look like the female Jason Kaplan in a few months. He said since her pregnancy the sale of her sex tapes are up. Howard said Ryan Seacrest must be a genius for figuring out that they should follow her and her family.
Howard congratulated Kim and Kanye on their future disappointment. Howard said maybe they'll name the kid ''Publicity Stunt'' so they can be done with this. He said that he heard they could call the couple ''Kimway.'' Howard said the kid is probably going to get Kanye's looks and Kim's talent instead of the other way around.
Howard said when you see these guys do the school shootings you see that they're nerdy. Howard said maybe they should make the nerds home coming king. He said just make them popular and keep them from going crazy. Howard said maybe that's the answer.
Howard said the gun nuts want to deport Piers Morgan for some reason. He said that's their answer to what he has to say about gun control. Howard said he has to take another break so he can get to Bobo.
Howard took a call from Hanzi who thanked him for the call on New Year's. Howard didn't call him. Hanzi said that he can't kill people because he's not funded by the government. He said he doesn't own guns. He said that the gun amendment was put in there for hunting. Howard said the second amendment was put in so the public could form a militia.
Howard asked Hanzi what his diagnosis is. Hanzi told him to hold on a minute. Howard asked him what his diagnosis is. Hanzi said he has to let him talk first. Howard kept asking what he is. Hanzi said he's not going to say because he already knows. Howard said he doesn't know. Howard said he's trying to get him help. Hanzi said he's bipolar. Howard said that they could get help for some of these people who need help. Howard said he has to get out of this call with Hanzi. Howard said he doesn't want to argue with him. Hanzi said they interviewed someone who babysat that kid and they never left him alone. Howard said he thinks if they had better access to help then maybe this could have been avoided.
Hanzi said he has a point to make. He was trying to explain his thoughts on this but Howard didn't think he had a point to make so he hung up. Howard said he wants to get Hanzi help. He said he wants him in the best facilities possible.
Howard said he had to go to break. He talked about the Bobo tape for a minute and played Bobo saying ''Bobo's not so stupid.'' They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and played another Jack and Rod Show bit where they had an author talking about cooking with Riley Martin.
After that Howard said Joey Boots was busy on New Year's Eve. He said he was on a bunch of news broadcasts. Howard said he hops from TV station to TV station yelling out ''Howard Stern's penis'' and ''Baba Booey!'' Howard played a clip where Joey was yelling those things out and threw in a ''Jimmy Kimmel's Sphincter.'' Howard said they usher him right out of there after that.
Howard said Joey was on CNN minutes later. He played that clip next. In that one Joey yelled out the Baba Booey and Howard Stern's Penis stuff and the host of the show said that has never happened to her. She laughed though. Joey was still in the background yelling at the top of his lungs. They had to cut away from her eventually.
Howard said they seem to be ignoring the Howard Stern references in there. He said that Jimmy Kimmel's name is mentioned and they concentrate on that. Howard said he needs all the air time for himself. He said they're trying to sell subscriptions. Howard said Jimmy should be happy with that though.
Howard played more of the clip where they were talking about a couple of guys kissing on camera. That was Sal and Richard they were referring to.
Howard played an ABC news clip where Joey started yelling ''Baba Booey! Howard Stern's Penis'' behind her. They cut away from that but Joey could be heard yelling in the background when they went back to her.
Howard said FOX News got one too. He played that clip next. In that one they went to an anchor on the street and Joey started yelling just a few seconds into her broadcast. Howard said this one was fucking crazy. Howard said Joey just goes on and on in this one. Joey was yelling Howard Stern's Penis and Baba Booey over and over and the woman wasn't able to say anything because he was so loud. She kept going though. Joey could be heard yelling as she was doing her broadcast. Howard said Joey was very busy that night. Howard said he got on four stations that night.
Howard said he loves the song ''I Want You To Want Me'' and Sal told him that they changed the song to have Christmas lyrics. Howard said he hates that. He played some of the new version of the song. They changed it to ''I Want You For Christmas.'' Howard said that's just wrong. Fred threw in some Hanzi saying ''No, no, no... No, no, no!'' while that was playing. Howard said he can't believe they changed the song. He said they should never have to do that.
Howard played an original version of the song and said that's the way it should be. Howard said he wishes they could have them on to give them some play. Howard said it's just wrong that they have to do that Christmas song. He said all hell has broken loose.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she has a son who is schizophrenic and she tried to get him help and they refused to see him because he didn't have insurance. Howard said that's what he's talking about. He said we have to get our mentally ill affordable care. Howard asked the caller what kind of things she worried about with her son. She said that when he lived at home they slept with the door blocked. Howard said this mom was probably a good mom and she wants to get her son help. Howard said that she doesn't know if he's going to hurt someone but she wants to get help. Howard said that we should ban assault weapons and get these people help. Howard said that's what we need to do.
Howard said he's working on getting help for these people. Howard said that it'll be Ventura/Stern in 2016. Howard said that woman is probably a terrific mom. Robin said it doesn't matter how good you are as a parent when you have a mentally ill son.
Howard said Hugh Hefner got married to Crystal Harris. Howard said that she was in there telling them that he was horrible in bed two years ago. Howard said that Hugh's balls were longer than her wedding gown train.
Howard took a call from Joey Boots and asked if he was injured at all. Joey said he wasn't but he had a cop tell him he was making unreasonable noise so he had to move along. That was in Times Square on New Year's Eve. Joey said he wants to drop his twitter because you can see the videos there. That's @JoeyBoots. Howard wondered where the Jimmy Kimmel thing came from. Joey said that came from the appearance Howard made with Jimmy in Brooklyn.
Howard asked Bobo about the jacket he had on. He had Bobo and a Howard Stern patch sewed on. Howard said he's like a stalker in a way. Howard said he must want people to know who he is because he wears things with his name on them.
Howard asked Bobo about the world ending thing and what he thought when he came in there and they made it seem like it was going to end. Bobo said he loves the show and he didn't want to let the show down so he wasn't even going to come up there. He said Sal convinced him to go up there. He said his wife was upset that he was going to leave them alone at home after all of the stuff he did. Bobo said he felt bad about the whole thing but he did come up there.
Howard said that Bobo came in and Howard TV filmed him as they shook their floor to make him think the world was ending. Howard asked how they did that. Scott DePace said that they had an intern jump on the floor in Robin's booth. He said the floor is a floating floor and it shakes easily.
Howard said he told Bobo that the world wasn't going to end. Bobo said that he is done with this 2012 shit now. He said no more conspiracies anymore. He said he's done with all of that. Howard asked why he would believe this if he wasn't even into the Mayans. Bobo said he read books and watched TV shows about it. He said he skimmed through one book about it. He said he read the Cliff notes.
Howard said he has video of Bobo going crazy and freaking out when they fooled him in studio. Howard asked Bobo why he doesn't believe in Jesus instead of the Mayan god. Bobo said he does. Howard said he's fucked up. He said he should apologize to Jesus.
Howard tried playing a clip of Bobo in the studio on December 21st. It wasn't coming through on his board. Howard had to try something else. He had to pull the clip from somewhere else. Howard told Scott the Engineer not to bother coming in.
Howard played the clip where Bobo was doing a phony intro for a bit they came up with. Then they shook the floor and Bobo started freaking out. They told him to keep going. Bobo sounded like he was freaking out. The guys told Bobo to try again and they shook the floor again. He wasn't able to get his lines out. Sal told him to calm down. Then the lights go out and a message comes on saying that there are nuclear bombs heading to New York City from North Korea. Bobo said ''See, Bobo's not so stupid!'' Howard said he loves that line.
Howard played more of the clip and Sal said he wasn't able to get through to anyone on the phone. Bobo was freaking out and then another message came on saying that people should not move. Sal tried to get out of the studio but he pretended that the door was locked. Howard said Bobo must have been thinking about his family. Bobo said he was. Sal was screaming asking for someone to help. They eventually opened the door and Bobo ran out like he was running for the hills.
Howard asked where the rest of it was. It cut off when Bobo ran out. Sal came in and said that he had the studio from the studio but he didn't have the Howard TV audio. Howard said he's going to have to yell at Sal later. Howard said he saw that video and he didn't really think it through. He said he could have taken it so much further. Sal said he was really shook up after that. Howard said whenever he records something he should think about the angle. He said he should have audio from the hallway ready for him too. Sal said that Howard TV has it. Howard said he should go out on the street with Bobo and say that he's an idiot too.
Howard said Sal didn't plan an end so there really isn't one. Sal said there is more to it. Howard said the world didn't end but Sal's world is going to end. Sal said that he came in on a vacation day to do that. Howard said he should get no vacation days. He said he should be in there working on Saturday and Sunday.
Howard told Sal he's retarded and an idiot. Sal said Howard TV has the video. He said he had his part ready to go. Howard said he doesn't care whose part it is. Sal said he had his obligations done. Howard said he's a genius. Howard said he can't wait to see how he does when he leaves. Bobo said he thinks that his IQ just went up by 50 points. Howard said Sal goofed on him and he fell for it. Bobo said he can see how stupid Sal is for not getting that done though.
Howard said he called Gary about Sal not having an end game for the bit. He said he could have made it phenomenal. Gary said he talked to Sal about it this morning. He said he did a good job but he could have done a great job. Howard said this isn't like third grade trying to build someone up. He said this is a guy they pay. Gary said you can't kick him while he's down. Howard said he can call him an idiot. Gary said that's Howard's way and not his way.
Howard asked Jason if he thinks Sal is an idiot. Jason said that Sal didn't have a plan that morning. He said he was working that morning and they all hid in the office so Bobo wouldn't see them. He said he just gave up after that. They didn't have much of a plan.
Sal said he did have a plan. He said they had it all broken down. Sal said Bobo shit his pants and ran out of there. He said he executed the whole thing from top to bottom. Gary said he wrote the whole script. Howard asked Sal if he ever thought about what might happen and what else they could do. Sal said once he panicked they told him it was a joke. Howard said they could have had an agenda for him. He said they could have had him make a message for his family or something. Sal said they could have done more but they didn't.
Howard asked Sal what he learned from this. Sal said they should have come up with more. Howard said he should have had an end game. Sal said he knows what the end game is now. Howard said Sal should let the other shows get him. Sal said no one is asking. Howard sarcastically said he can't believe that. Howard said the bit was okay. Sal said some people thought it was great. Howard asked what he learned. Sal said that they captured his fear. He said that if they do another prank they'll get more. Howard asked Sal what he's going to do if they do it again. Sal said he's going to make sure they provide audio and outline the whole thing. Howard said that's not what he's looking for. Sal said he wants to get more audio and ask more about the family and things like that. Howard said this is radio so the audience can't see anything. He said Sal failed with this bit. He said he failed the team. Sal said he doesn't think so. Howard said he's telling him he did. Sal said he did his best. Howard said he's not learning and giving him confidence.
Howard told Sal what to say to him. He said that he should write this down. Howard said he should write down ''What is the end game?'' Howard said he has to scare Bobo but then what? He has to get him talking. Howard said he could ask him a question because he's Bobo. Howard asked Sal what he learned. Sal said that he's going to tell himself what he has to do. Howard said he has to do this stuff before the prank. Howard asked Robin if she thinks that he's getting it. Robin said she doesn't think so.
Sal told Howard that Howard TV has the rest of the audio. Howard said Sal didn't get that because he thinks that's not his job. Sal said that's not what he said. He said that he just got the audio and the other stuff wasn't available to him.
Howard asked Bobo if he gets it. Bobo told Sal what he thinks he should have done. He basically repeated what Howard just said about the end game.
Howard asked Robin to get him out of this. Robin said they have the Howard TV audio to play now. Howard asked if they had it. Scott asked for them to give him a second. Scott played the audio of Bobo and Sal running out of the studio and trying to get out of the building. Sal said they told them to stay in the building. Bobo was still freaking out and said he had matches with him to tell which way the wind is blowing. He was breathing heavy and saying his wife was right and he shouldn't have come there. Howard had the guys back it up a little bit so he could hear the audio again. Robin was talking over it so he had to hear it again.
Bobo was talking about how he wants to die there if he has to die anywhere. Sal said he has kids and he can't believe he's talking about dying there. Boob said he was hyper ventilating. He said those fucking sneaks in North Korea are lunatics. Bobo had to breathe into a paper bag. He said he had to pick his kid up at school. Howard said that was Bobo breathing into a bag. He said it's great on TV.
Howard asked if the bag helped. Bobo said it did. He said it has a calming effect. Bobo said nothing real was going to help him that day.
Howard said that's going to be on Howard TV and you can see all of that. He said Sal did a good job but not a great job with the bit.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves this bit and it has to be in the Best of 2013 next time they're on Christmas vacation.
Howard said that they have a sandwich board for Bobo to wear. It says ''I am a moron. I thought the world was going to end.'' Will said that Bobo agreed to wear his toupee on top of the dunce cap too. Howard said he has to do that. Bobo said he didn't know he had to do that. Bobo pulled off his toupee and it wasn't coming off easily. It was glued on. Robin said ''Oh my god! Wow!'' when he took it off. Howard laughed. Howard said his whole face is tan but the skin on his head is pink.
Howard had Bobo put on his dunce cap and put the toupee on top of that. Howard said the toupee is on top now. He said that way he doesn't feel totally bald. Howard asked what he's going to say to the people on the street. Bobo said he's going to tell them that he's an idiot and he thought the world was going to end.
Bobo asked if he has a prize for him because he wants to take his kid to Disney. Gary said they don't have any prizes right now. Howard said Bobo can play a game later in the year.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he doesn't deserve a prize for that. Howard had Bobo go down to the street while they waited. Howard said they have a microphone down there. Howard said maybe Sal wasn't that bad. He said the end was pretty funny. He said maybe he was a little hard on Sal.
Robin said they could have had Sal ask for a blow job from Bobo before the world ends. She said Bobo blowing into that bag was the best. She said it wasn't a great prank because you don't have to do anything elaborate to fool Bobo. Howard said all they did was turn the lights out and have an announcement saying that the world was ending.
Howard took a call from a CWB who said that the bit was pretty good. He said it was better than Gary the Retard going to the moon. Howard said Gary got scared during that one. Howard said with Bobo it was just the lights going out. Howard said in Sal's defense he doesn't think that anyone believed Bobo would fall for it.
Howard asked if they have the clip cued up from where Bobo started freaking out. Gary said they needed 2 seconds. Howard TV had the clip a couple of seconds later. Bobo was freaking out and saying that things were falling down. Nothing was falling down. Sal told him to just sit tight. They replayed the part where Bobo talked about dirty bombs and the matches he brought with him.
Howard said that was Bobo experiencing the end of the world. Gary said that hey need 15 seconds to get to Bobo down on the street. Howard said he's wearing a dunce cap and a sign saying he's dumb and that he believed the world was going to end. Bobo went to people on the street telling them how he thought the world was going to end. He was interviewing people asking if they thought the world was going to end too. A few people walked right by him. A couple of women said that they didn't think it was going to end.
Bobo said no one wanted to talk. Howard said it's a guy with a dunce cap on. Howard said he thinks he's had enough. Howard told the guys to just have him walk up and down the street and take the microphone away. Howard turned the microphone off. Howard said that was Bobo's end of the world. Howard said people were walking into traffic to get away from him. He said they should have him walk home like that. It should take him like 3 days.
Howard said that was the end of the world prank on Bobo. Robin said they fooled Sal that time with his announcement that he was leaving radio. Howard said they should replay that. He said they could do this bit with Bobo in two weeks and he'd fall for it again. He said this time they'll do it with an end game.
Ronnie came in yelling that he wasn't yelling at the party. He said he did one poem on the microphone and that was it. Howard said it's annoying. Ronnie said he wasn't even there. Robin said Leiberman was the one who was going nuts.
Howard said Ronnie got him a nice Christmas gift. Howard said a lot of people didn't get him a gift. Howard said he doesn't really want any gifts but he was weirded out that he got so few. Howard said Robin always does but she didn't get one this year. Robin said she didn't get a chance to get out shopping. Howard said he got her some gift. Robin said she got one for Howard and for Beth. She said they're at home now. She said they're under her tree right now. Howard said Richard and Sal don't make an effort. Howard said Benjy and Elisa got him a nice Orchid. Howard said he throws that party every year and that's expensive. Howard said he sent Fred's kid a gift and Fred didn't get him anything. Fred said he's sorry. Howard said his wife should be out shopping for him. Howard said it's kind of weird. He said he ended up throwing out half the shit anyway but make the effort.
Ronnie said he got Howard a Versace set and a donation to the Wildlife fund. Howard said they have a big billboard of Ronnie down in Atlantic City for his upcoming block party.
Richard came in and said that his gift is not bothering him with a gift. Howard said no one is even afraid of not getting him a gift. Richard said he was afraid that he was going to offend him if he gave to the red cross in his name. Howard said that would have been fine but if he's going to get something, get something for him.
Howard said these guys do get him some annoying gifts that he throws out but still. He said that they should get him something. Richard said he'll get him something for his birthday. Howard told him not to bother.
Gary said every gift he's ever given Howard he's hated. He said that he has a birthday gift for him but he thinks that he's going to hate it but he could like it. He said that it's a lot of work and he knows Howard will trash it.
Howard said he did an ad for Gary for some charity thing he's doing. He said he did something really nice for the guy.
Richard said he could get him some vodka or something. Howard said he'd have to buy him a new liver and then give him some alcohol. Howard said JD didn't get him anything. He said Will and Jason didn't either. Howard said it's very weird. He said that he's their boss and they should suck his dick a little. Richard said he'll do that right now. Howard said he didn't mean that literally.
JD said that Howard hates his gifts. Howard said you do it because he's their boss. JD said he didn't even get Gary his gift. Howard said Gary doesn't need a gift. Howard said he's the one who matters.
Gary said that Artie got Howard a painting of Neil Young and he hated it. Howard said that painting now hangs in his closet where he gets dressed every day. Howard said that he loves it. Gary said he hated it at first.
Howard asked Ronnie how doing Cougar Town was. Ronnie said it was fun. He said he was in 3 different scenes. He played a transvestite in one scene and then himself in two other scenes. He said it's hard to explain. Ronnie said he played a transvestite carrying a dog. Howard said he looks nice. He kept the moustache in the scene. Ronnie said they wanted him to keep it. Ronnie said he was with Courteney Cox and Christa Miller and a couple of other guys from the show. Ronnie was trying to explain the scene but it wasn't making any sense. Ronnie said he thinks he's in the season finale of the show. He's not sure when it airs.
Howard asked when Breaking Bad is returning. Robin said that will be in the summer. She said The Walking Dead is coming back soon. Justified is starting up soon too. Howard said a lot of these shows he can't find. Howard said he loves Justified. He said he likes that Timothy Olyphant. Robin said he's gorgeous. Howard said if he was a woman he'd date him. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Robin what her last meal would be. Robin thought for a few seconds and said it would be something with macaroni and cheese.
Fred said his would be steak. He said he still eats red meat. Howard said he figured he'd be out of that. Fred said he did give it up for a while and then he had a steak and he never went back.
Howard said his mother made him a steak once and told him he had to finish it or he couldn't have dessert. Howard said he shoved a piece of the steak up his nose. He said he's not sure what he would have for his final meal. He said it might be Italian food. He said macaroni and cheese sounds good to him too though.
Howard said while they were away they had an obituary for the drummer in the band Spirit. He said they didn't even mention the song ''Nature's Way'' in the obituary. Howard said the drummer was in his 80s. Howard told a story about how Randy California got his name from Jimi Hendrix and how his step-dad formed the band with him. Howard said the dad and the step-son formed the band and Randy died in a drowning and now the step-dad has died. Howard said the dad was the drum player. Robin asked how old he was. Howard said he thinks he was 88. Howard had Fred play some Spirit songs. He played ''I Got a Line On You'' first. He played ''Nature's Way'' after that. Howard said that's such a better song.
Howard said he was talking to Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks and she has a new album coming out. Howard said she'll be in on Friday. Howard said she told him about this song she did. She covered ''Mother'' and he had a 10 minute conversation with her about that. Howard said it was the wrong ''Mother.'' He said he thought that it was the John Lennon ''Mother'' but it was the Pink Floyd version. Howard said he'll play that on Friday when she's in. Howard said he was going on and on about how much he likes the Lennon version and she never told him it was the wrong song.
Howard and Robin talked about a documentary about David Geffen that they had seen. Gary came in and talked about that too.
Ronnie came in freaking out again. He said he's not buying anything. He said he wouldn't spend money on something like that. He swore on his family that he's not doing that. Howard said that's good enough for him. Ronnie told Howard that the numbers are going up really fast but he swears that he's not buying them. He said a bunch dropped off and he's not sure what's going on.
Howard said he knows someone who is buying them and he lost all respect for that person. Ronnie said JD buys them. He said he's just breaking his balls and he's not really.
JD said that he thinks someone bought followers for Ronnie. He said that it might be his fan club or that ZenaBuddysGirl chick. Ronnie said she's crazy and she'll come after him for saying that. JD said that he knows someone who can tell when you buy them and some of Ronnie's are bought. Howard said that JD didn't say that she definitely bought them. Howard said you have to explain things to Ronnie.
Howard said people are saying that the hash tag thing isn't that funny and unfunny people use them to make their jokes seem funnier than they are.
Ronnie told Howard that they were calling people on New Year's Eve. He said that one woman freaked out when she realized it was him. Howard said he's going to throw up from this. He said he's had enough.
JD told Howard how he searched out and found the fake Twitter accounts and how they all follow the same people. He said those are the people who are buying followers. Howard said he could listen to him talk all day long. JD said he doesn't think that Ronnie is buying any followers but someone did. He said he isn't saying that Ronnie told them to do that either.
Howard said he's had enough of this. He played a Gangnam Style parody about Ronnie. It was called Old Man Ronnie Style.
Howard said he watched Roger Daltrey performing at the Sandy relief concert. Howard said he had his shirt open and he doesn't need to see an old guy with his shirt open. If he wanted to see that he'd go to the Ronnie's Block Party.
Robin started off the news with a story about a guy who was found dead after being swept away in the ocean out in California. Robin said a woman was rescued and the husband tried to save the dog but he was carried out to sea. Robin said his body was found in the water.
Robin read about a man from Maryland who hit a $4 million jackpot on the slots in Atlantic City. Robin said he was playing at the Borgata when he hit the jackpot.
Howard said Letterman seems to be going on a victory lap by going on Oprah and talking about the interns and stuff. He said you'd think Dave would come on his show after he's been on Dave's show so many times. Howard said he's defending Dave and doing the Leno fight thing. Howard said Dave talks about his struggle with depression and all of that but he won't come there to talk about it. Howard said if he was fucking interns and his couch was taken away he'd be upset too. Howard read a live commercial and then a break after that.
After the break, around 9:45am, Howard came right back and said that Bill Lawrence tweeted out and said that he was listening to Ronnie explaining his character and even he was confused by it and he wrote it. Howard and Robin did their impressions of Ronnie explaining that character.
Robin read a story about a paparazzi who was killed while trying to take a picture of Justin Bieber. Robin said that Justin Bieber's car was pulled over but Justin wasn't in the car. The photographer walked into traffic and got hit and killed.
Robin read about how there will be new judges on The Voice next season. Robin read that Shakira will be one of the new judges. Howard said he's still not sure who he's going to be working with on AGT. Howard said he's just trying to get a schedule. Howard said that they're working tomorrow and Friday so they have some time to take off later in the year. He said he would love to be the only judge on the show though. He said he knows Sharon is out. He's not sure about Howie Mandel. He said he has been sent some possible names but nothing is set.
Howard said that there is an article in the paper about YouTube doing an audit of how many times songs are played on their service. He said they found there were 2 billion fake views of songs. Howard said that they were artificially inflated. Howard said this was the record companies manipulating the numbers so people would think it was a hit. Howard said they do say that Gangnam Style has legitimate views though.
Robin read about the Sandy Hook Elementary school and how the kids are returning to school this week but not anywhere near the massacre. Robin said that the kids will be in a nearby school in Monroe, Connecticut. Howard said it must be hard for parents to send their kids to school. He said that's so scary. Robin said school isn't safe and playgrounds aren't safe anymore either. She said it's not safe anywhere. Howard said that when Martin Luther King was shot a bunch of people told his mother to keep him home from school. He said his mother would make him stay at school that day even if there was a shooting at the school. Howard said she would make him go. Howard said he was watching the tragedy on TV and thinking about how his mom would make him go to school that afternoon. Howard said she must have really hated him being home.
Howard said Martin Short was on Saturday Night Live this weekend. He said the opening sketch was great. Gary said he saw it and loved it. Howard said he liked this sketch they did where Kate Middleton had to visit a Gynecologist and Martin Short played an assistant. He said Martin Short should be back on SNL. He said the guy is great. He said he played Tony Bennett's brother in one sketch and he was great in that too. Gary said he told his son he had to watch the show and he had no idea who Martin Short was. Howard said he should have him watch some of his old stuff. Gary said Martin Short is so funny but he couldn't think of what to say about him.
Howard said he hung out with Martin Short at a wedding. He said he just sat and talked the whole time. He said the guy is brilliant. Gary said that they pitched a great idea to him back in the late 80s or 90s. He said they called him to come in as the agent from that movie ''The Big Picture'' where he played an agent. He didn't want to come in and do it though. Fred played the clip from ''The Big Picture'' that they've played many times before. Howard said that's the best. Gary said he read a story about how he used Scotch tape to fuck up his face to look like a botched plastic surgery. He said the guy is brilliant.
Robin said that she was watching Kathie Lee and Hoda the other day and they were talking about how the music is too loud at parties. They were saying it was the ''decimal level'' instead of decibel level. That led to Howard talking about his parents and how they complain about that too. Howard did his impressions of both of his parents talking about the loud music and how they have to yell over it. He had them talking about real music and DJs and a bunch of stuff like that. Robin was talking to Howard like he was actually his parents. She was asking questions and saying that she hopes that they'll come to her party if she has one.
Robin got back to her news and read about Hillary Clinton recovering from a blood clot in her brain. Robin said they caught it in time. Howard wondered if Bill would go back to dating if she died. Howard did a live commercial read right after that.
Robin read about the fiscal cliff being avoided. Robin said they passed a bill in the late hours yesterday. Robin had some audio clips for Howard to play of someone talking about that. He played a couple of clips and said he's hungry. Robin said that's all he can think about.
Howard said Gary gave him a copy of Newsweek and it was the final print edition. Howard said that kind of freaks him out. He said that they're only going to be available digitally now. Howard said Gary likes paging through the magazine. Howard said he likes doing that too. Gary said he gets the idea but he thinks it's way too soon to do that. Robin said Gary doesn't know their financial situation. Gary said it's just way too soon for him. He said that online they call it the Daily Beast. He said he loves just being able to pick up the magazine and not downloading it.
Howard asked Gary if he's going to save the magazine. Gary said he hasn't even read it yet. Howard said Gary's mom saved every magazine. Gary said she saved all of the Life magazines abut she didn't have every single one. He said she had all of the Sunday newspaper magazines in a pile and they had an inch of dust on them. He said when he went to throw them away she asked what he was doing because she was going to read them. Howard said he thinks you should just rip out the magazines you want to read and throw out the rest.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel told him that he had a reporter move in with him for a couple of days while he was writing an article about him. Howard said he asked if he was out of his mind doing that. Gary said that they had Judd Apatow on 60 Minutes and they had everyone of his buddies talking about what a great guy he is. Howard read another live commercial a short time later.
Robin read about a city that has banned the sale of plastic water bottles. Robin said that is in Jackson, Massachusetts. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about how ridiculous that is. Robin said that businesses selling the bottles will be fined.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he was worried about getting bed bugs while he was in Mexico. Howard said he was. He said he wanted to leave his luggage in the hall. He said that he left stuff packed for a day before unpacking. He said he was thinking about steaming the luggage and laundry. Robin said he should have that dog check it out. Howard said that dog comes and checks out his apartment every month. He said he wants to catch it early if he gets them. Robin said everyone else seems to be just dealing with it. Howard said he's smarter than everyone else.
The caller said that he wants his million dollars because Howard said that he would give him that if he didn't get a raise on AGT. Howard said he did get a raise and he swears on his life. He ended up hanging up on the guy. He didn't want to deal with that.
Robin got back to her news and read about the flu and what people should do if they get sick and how to avoid getting sick. Howard said he got sick and he refuses to get a vaccination. Howard said that he has 4 suspects in his getting sick. Howard said that Beth was one. He didn't name the other 3. He said he's done shaking hands now though. He said he will never shake another hand. He said he crumbled during vacation and shook hands with people who insisted. Howard said chances are he's had a finger up his ass.
Robin read about Hugh Hefner's wedding to Crystal Harris. Robin said that she has gotten over her feelings that he's bad in bed. She's now saying it's the happiest moment of her life. Howard said he may leave shit on his hands from now on for anyone who wants to shake it.
Robin read about some schools that are having police officers posted in schools after the Sandy Hook shootings.
Robin said that the guy who shot up the theater in Aurora, Colorado is due in court for a hearing in February. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a pot club that had to close its doors before it even opened. Robin said the owner opened his doors one day ahead of time and the landlord canceled the lease when he saw it was open for business a day before it was due.
Robin read about Latrell Spreewell and how he's facing charges after being arrested on New Year's Eve. Robin said he was arrested for disorderly conduct in his home. Robin said he's fallen on some hard times according to that article.
Howard said he feels that he deserves a Kennedy Center Honor. He said that he's not sure any president would stand next to him. He said he changed the face of radio and the broadcast medium and it won't happen. He said he won't get one of those big, ugly ribbons. They ended the show a short time later. They were done at 10:25am.
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Jon said that Howard talked to Robin about shitting away from a hotel room and he had no idea that was going on. Gary said he didn't either.
Jon said that he wanted to start off talking about Howard's rap about not getting a gift. He said that some people in the office were feeling very guilty today. Gary said that he always gets Howard a birthday gift. Howard took the Christmas gift thing off the table. He said that he's very hard to buy for. Gary said he's been through some humiliating moments with him over gifts. He said he gave him a nasal hair kit from The Sharper Image and Howard trashed the shit out of him. Then a half year later he's telling him how much he loves it.
Gary said he got Howard a book that he thought Howard would love. He said that it was about Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis but he's never cracked it open. He said he has given him some things he likes. He said that he's not sure what to give him for his birthday because the gift he was going to get him is out the window now.
Gary said that he and Jon weren't able to figure out what to get for everyone. They decided to take people out to dinner at a nice restaurant. He said no one gave gifts really. He said he's not even expecting gifts anymore. Jon said that Jason and Will said they were going to give a few gifts out. He said that it all filtered down that they weren't going to do it anymore. Jon said he would rather do the steak dinner. He said he doesn't like leaving anyone out though. He said that it's the group that usually gives gifts.
Gary said that he got a bunch of American Express gift cards to give out. He said some people appreciate that as gifts. He said it becomes less personal as you get older. Jon said he thinks that people miss the Secret Santa thing. He said the holiday party is great but it's different than opening up a nice present and seeing what it might be.
Gary said he loved shopping for Jason because he's a tech head. He said he would shop for Will and it was fun getting him tech stuff too because he's not a tech head. He said it's a lot of work. Gary said he was exhausted from shopping. He said that he hasn't gotten anything for Howard for the past couple of years. He said that's what they agreed to. Gary said it was painful trying to shop for Howard, Robin, Fred and Artie. He said Fred is fine with a bottle of scotch. He said finding something for Howard and Robin is tough. He said that you know he's going to emasculate you on air.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Howard is like a wife who complains about not getting anything. Jason came in and said that it feels weird not giving gifts. He said he didn't feel that so much this year. He said the gift giving has died off quite a bit since the secret Santa thing was killed.
Gary said that when someone does give you a gift it feels weird not to give something back. Jason said that today felt a lot like when Robin held the party for Fred and it was in a catering hall and there was no assigned seating. Jason said that no one sat next to Howard at his table because there were a lot of big people there. Gary said he didn't know if he had the right to sit next to him. Gary said that Howard could have nailed him the next day if he had sat next to him. Gary said Howard went off on the staff saying that they didn't like him the next day.
Jon said that Ronnie is good at giving gifts. He asked if he thinks Howard was really upset. Ronnie said he thinks he was. Jason said this might be a case of ''It's the thought that counts.'' Ronnie said that he has been focusing on Beth more than Howard. He said he gets gifts for the house. He said he got them a Versace tea set that Beth might like more than Howard.
Gary said one time Robin had a party for Howard and Howard was getting into pictures so he bought a leather bound photo album and filled it with pictures from the show. He said he got him a map of the town he lives in on Long Island and had that framed. He said that's hanging in their house.
Jason said the last one he got Howard was a book of essays by this guy he thought Howard liked. He said he was going back and forth researching it and then it ended up in the wood chipper.
Jon asked Ronnie about getting into trouble over the party. Ronnie said all he did was read a poem and it was only because Robin insisted. Gary said Robin didn't insist. He said that she egged him on and it was just so they could get to this moment.
Jason said that the funniest person at the party was Jon Leiberman. He said he wasn't going to get drunk but he was obliterated before he even got there. Gary said he wasn't as out of control as he has been but he was kind of crazy. Gary said that they have some video of Jon trying to put his jacket on and he can't find the hole to put his arm in. He said it's hysterical. They spent a little more time talking about Jon Leiberman and his girlfriend and then went to break.
Leiberman said he wanted to be sober when his girlfriend arrived. He failed. Ronnie said he was hammered. Jon asked if he's had a problem with drinking before. Leiberman said no. He said he's never missed a day of work.
Sal said he gets it. He said he understands why he drinks. Sal said he likes to be out of it himself. Jon asked who is in a worse position, Sal's wife or Jon's girlfriend. Gary said he thinks that Sal's wife knows what she's dealing with. Jason said Leiberman's girl has it better because she can just leave. Gary said they have a house together. Leiberman said that it's his house but she does live there.
Sal asked what the craziest thing is that he's ever done. Leiberman said he has never thrown up in public. He shit his pants at work but he wasn't drunk that time. Leiberman said that he did send some apology texts to Richie and Rachel after their wedding.
Sal said he has had to send apologies too. He said that he met a girl at a party and she had frizzy hair. He said she owned a dog grooming business and he got drunk and asked who grooms her if she grooms dogs. He said he had to lay low after that. He said he called her and apologized and then sent her a dozen roses. He said she was his friend's sister. He said he got a phone call from her brother and he told him what he did wrong.
Jon said that Sal got yelled at today about his Bobo bit. Jon asked about what Howard yelled at him about. Sal said that he dropped the ball with the TV audio. He said he had his audio side. He said he should have gotten it all together. He said he was so excited with his side that he sent it off to Gary and Howard to review. He knew Howard TV had more. He said the prank was kind of long and elaborate. He said Doug told him he should have conferred with them. He said he was right about that.
Sal said he thinks he learned what he has to do in the future. Gary said he thinks that Sal has to walk in with a script of some sort and figure out where he can take the bit if it works. Gary said that Scott DePace said that he was surprised there was no script. Sal said he had an outline that he was going back and forth on with Doug. He said he should have had more audio with Bobo and that's where he dropped the ball. They had to take another break a short time later.
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Jon asked what the guys did on their New Year's Eve. They were talking about the TV marathons they were watching and things like that.
Jon asked Ronnie what he thought of the story about the women taking shits at the pool bathroom. Ronnie said he never had that. Gary asked if his girlfriend shits in the room. Ronnie said that she does shit in the bathroom in the room. He said that everyone shits so that's it. Sal said that the other thing is that you can get the remnants out in the pool after using the bathroom. He said the best place to go is a hot tub so you can use the jet to wash your ass. Ronnie said he washes his ass. He said he uses the sink water to wash his ass. He said he uses soap and gets up on the sink and washes up.
Jon asked Ronnie how he does that. Ronnie said he takes a shower sometimes. He said that sometimes he'll get out of the shower and he has to take a dump. He said what he'll do is turn on the sink and clean his ass. He said he wipes his ass very well and then he'll clean his ass with soap and water. Ronnie said he wipes really well until he's clean. Then he'll go to the sink with no pants on. Then he turns on the sink and washes his ass with soap and water with his hands or a wash cloth. Jon said he thinks he understands. Some of the guys were confused by how he washes the soap out.
Jason asked if he uses his hand in there. Gary said he's using the sink as a bidet. Jon asked if he sits in the sink. Ronnie said he doesn't sit in the sink. He said he's sitting over the sink. Sal asked if he splashes the water in there. Ronnie said he does. He said he cleans the sink when he's done too. He said he will wash the sink out with toilet paper. If he uses a wash cloth then he'll throw it in the laundry. Gary said that's like using diapers in the 50s. Jason said he has to know more about this and asked Leiberman to do a report. They had to end the show a short time later. They were still going over it with Ronnie as the show was ending at 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about being live on a Thursday. He said they're there Wednesday, Thursday and Friday this week. Howard let the Rob Zombie theme song play a bit longer. He sang along with the song a little bit too. He said he loves it. Robin said she wonders why Rob says ''Planet X'' so perfectly. Howard said he doesn't know what Rob is even talking about in the song.
Howard said SiriusXM never advertises on TV. He said he saw something on FOX News about how they were taken off the service. He said that's how they get advertising. Howard said he has to thank FOX for that. He said it must be a money issue or something. He said that's what it always comes down to.
Howard talked about the couple of stations he listens to there. He said that they're mostly music channels. Howard said they give rock guys radio shows and they never do a good job with those. Howard said they have Bob Dylan on and they don't know what to do with him.
Howard said he said yesterday that his new year's resolution is not to shake anyone's hand. He said he's stuck with it so far. Howard said Wolfie went out and did some interviews and stood by a men's room. He said that he had someone monitoring someone in the bathroom at the holiday party. He said some people didn't wash their hands. Howard said they're people that you'd imagine.
Howard said Wolfie watched the guys who came out and didn't wash their hands at a men's room. Howard had some audio of Wolfie asking them why they didn't wash. One guy said he didn't have an excuse. One guy said the bathroom was too filthy to wash. The guy didn't understand that even if he doesn't touch someone he's still spreading germs by touching other things.
Howard said they should station Wolfie outside every bathroom. He said people are gross and disgusting. Howard said no one wants your dick juice all over everyone. Howard played another interview where one guy said he had to take a call so that's why he didn't wash his hands. One guy said he'll wash next time. Another guy said he had a good observation in the public bathroom. Howard said that guy was wondering why he was being watched in the bathroom.
Howard played another clip where the guy said he was checking himself out in the mirror. He said he thinks he made his point. Howard said that means the guy thinks Wolfie is a creep. Howard said they might not pay Wolfie enough to go out and do those interviews. Howard said he's risking his life doing that now.
Howard played a clip of a guy who didn't wash his hands and Wolfie asked him about touching other things out there. The guy was a chef according to Wolfie. Howard said that they always say that the employees have to wash their hands but that guy must not care.
Howard said he doesn't even touch his penis in bathrooms. Howard said he would have explained to Wolfie that he doesn't touch his penis. Howard said he uses his underwear as a sling in a sense. Howard said that's what holds his penis. Howard said his underwear is clean. Robin wasn't sure about that. Howard said what he does is grab a towel to grab the door handle. Howard said he won't touch anything in the bathroom.
Howard said Ronnie was talking about how he washes his asshole on Wrap Up yesterday. Howard played some of the audio from yesterday's Wrap Up Show. In the clip Ronnie was talking about the way he washes over his sink. Here's my rundown from yesterday:
Jon asked Ronnie what he thought of the story about the women taking shits at the pool bathroom. Ronnie said he never had that. Gary asked if his girlfriend shits in the room. Ronnie said that she does shit in the bathroom in the room. He said that everyone shits so that's it. Sal said that the other thing is that you can get the remnants out in the pool after using the bathroom. He said the best place to go is a hot tub so you can use the jet to wash your ass. Ronnie said he washes his ass. He said he uses the sink water to wash his ass. He said he uses soap and gets up on the sink and washes up.
Jon asked Ronnie how he does that. Ronnie said he takes a shower sometimes. He said that sometimes he'll get out of the shower and he has to take a dump. He said what he'll do is turn on the sink and clean his ass. He said he wipes his ass very well and then he'll clean his ass with soap and water. Ronnie said he wipes really well until he's clean. Then he'll go to the sink with no pants on. Then he turns on the sink and washes his ass with soap and water with his hands or a wash cloth. Jon said he thinks he understands. Some of the guys were confused by how he washes the soap out.
Jason asked if he uses his hand in there. Gary said he's using the sink as a bidet. Jon asked if he sits in the sink. Ronnie said he doesn't sit in the sink. He said he's sitting over the sink. Sal asked if he splashes the water in there. Ronnie said he does. He said he cleans the sink when he's done too. He said he will wash the sink out with toilet paper. If he uses a wash cloth then he'll throw it in the laundry. Gary said that's like using diapers in the 50s. Jason said he has to know more about this and asked Leiberman to do a report.
After playing that Howard said this is why he won't shake anyone's hand. Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric. Howard said just imagine what Eric is up to. Eric said he uses Purell on his hands. Robin said he doesn't clean his house. Eric brought up Tan Mom and how Howard shook her hand. Howard said she hugged him. Eric said he shook her hand. Howard said that's right and he cleaned his hands after that. Howard said he wants to be in Robin's glass booth from now on. He said he went to bed at 7 last night because he's getting over being sick. He said he's been sick for 3 weeks now.
Eric said he wanted to say Happy New Year to all of them. He said he misses them a lot. Howard told him to get a life. Howard said they like missing him rather than seeing him. Eric asked if they had a game to play. Howard said no. He goofed on Eric about that for a few second. Howard said he's so fake. Howard said Eric doesn't love him.
Howard said Linda Stasi wrote this great article. He said the one thing that they did was take his head and stick it on Larry King's body. Howard said he has that weird look to him and it looks really bad. He said you never want to tape your head on Larry's body. Howard said he'd rather die than let them put his actual head on Larry's body. Howard said the guy who did the Photoshop did a pretty good job though. He said he could have done better but it's not too bad. Howard said the article is good though. Howard said the picture kind of takes away from it.
Howard went through some of the article and read what Linda had to say about how he could save CNN. She did take a dig or two at Howard. Howard said she talks about what CNN is doing now and how Howard could do the job that Larry King was doing. Howard said that Linda wrote that he was a bad judge on AGT at one point but then she said that he was good. Howard said she thought it was cringe worthy at first. Howard said she eventually became a fan.
Howard read more of the article and found where Linda took another dig at him. Howard said she said that he has a face for radio. Howard said that wasn't so nice. He read through some more of the article and she was saying that Howard's fans probably wouldn't care about politics and things like that if he was on CNN. Howard said overall the article was positive.
Howard said he spent some time with George Clooney over vacation and he really is a good looking guy. Howard said he doesn't have a bad angle. Robin said that women aren't all about looks so Howard is okay. Howard said he has a horrible personality though. He said he's not fun. He said other people are fun. Jimmy Kimmel is fun according to Howard. Howard said Jimmy is healthy. Howard said he's not sure what's wrong with him. He said he went to the psychiatrist yesterday after not going for two weeks. Howard said it was depressing. Howard said he's sure Clooney thinks he looks like the Elephant Man. Howard said he would probably give him handicapped plates if he could.
Howard said Clooney wins all kinds of awards. He said that guy is doing it all. Howard said he saw Letterman getting praise for his show on the Kennedy Center Honors but he can't get that for his show even though he changed the face of radio. Howard said people ignore the fact that he was mentioned by Joey Boots yelling out on TV channels. Howard said he changed satellite radio. He said he was able to make Sirius so big that they merged with XM. Howard said the guys at Sirius needed him to make them huge. Howard said he took a huge gamble to do that and it worked. Howard said he came over there and did his Oprah move. He said now they won't give him his fucking bonus. He said that was the whole reason he came there. Howard said he has to sue them for that. Howard said that's why he's fucking bitter.
Howard said he pulled off a miracle for them and they don't want to pay him. He said ''fuck you'' to them. Howard said when they're all sitting in a room almost bankrupt they'll tell you anything. Howard said it's bullshit. Howard said he re-filed the suit and he's hoping the new judge will see the point. Howard said people think he's ugly and gross so he shouldn't be making money. Robin said it's like it's okay not to like Howard. She said that these other guys have done things that are really bad but they don't do them on their show. Robin said Clinton still goes around being honored. Howard said he gives out the Kennedy Center Honors. Howard said everyone is ashamed of him though.
Howard said he read all of the cards and wondered how Carrot Top has a ''crew'' like he says on his card. Howard said Ronnie sent one of himself cleaning himself in his sink. Howard said he doesn't feel they have gotten to the bottom of that cleaning of the ass. Howard said he's wondering what that's about.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't get why Ronnie doesn't just hop back in the shower to wash up. Ronnie said sometimes you come out of the shower and you have to shit. Howard told him to forget that. Howard asked how he gets his ass over the sink. Ronnie said he wipes his ass first. He said he wipes until he's clean and then he goes to the sink. Ronnie said it's kind of like when you sit on the bowl. He said you get your ass up there. He said he kind of hops up on the sink. Howard said Ronnie is the only guy doing this. Ronnie said there are others doing it. They're on twitter telling him about it. Howard said he pokes his finger in there with toilet paper and cleans out with baby wipes. The caller asked how he brushes his teeth in that sink. Ronnie said he cleans it out. He told the guy he's not shitting in the sink.
Howard asked Ronnie about jerking off with that guy Donnie. Ronnie said they're not in the same bed or anything. Howard told him he would never even do it in the same room. He said he could wait until later that night to do it. Ronnie said they stole his brother's Playboy magazines so he couldn't just take them. Howard said he had a Playboy subscription when he was 13 and his friends would wait to jerk off until they got home.
Ronnie said they had a live show out the window so they would jerk off looking out the window. Howard said he wouldn't do that. He said he would jerk off when he got home. Ronnie said they weren't doing it in the same room either. He said they were in different houses.
The caller told Ronnie that he used 3 baby wipes to wipe his ass and he's clean. Ronnie said he's sure that he isn't that clean down there. Howard told Ronnie to demonstrate how he washes his ass. He wanted to see how he backs up to it.
Howard said Sal was doing Ronnie's washing in the bathroom. Ronnie said the sink is going to fall off the wall if he does that. Howard asked Ronnie how he does it. Ronnie said that's how he does it but he does it at home in his own bathroom. Howard said that's unbelievable.
Howard said Kathy Griffin was on CNN doing her New Year's Eve coverage and she was wearing a bathing suit and they refused to show her below the waist. Howard said she was pretending to blow Anderson Cooper and he may have enjoyed that thinking that she was like Carrot Top or something.
Gary said there are people who would pee on the people in front of them in Times Square. He was talking about Will.
Will came in and told Howard that his buddy pissed on a guy's leg and it was a German family that was visiting. Howard said that's disgusting. Will said you can't even move out there because there are so many people. Howard said he would never do that. Will said you have to be shit faced drunk to be out there. He said that's what you deal with though.
Howard said he pissed in a bottle in a car once. He said that's the worst he's ever done. Howard said he can fit into a Poland Spring bottle. He said he can fit in there. He said he has that shriveled up piece of shit cock of his.
Howard said he saw that Hillary Clinton was released from the hospital yesterday. He said Bill and Chelsea picked her up. Howard said he heard Bill had some questions for the doctor about what she can do for him now that she's out.
Howard said he's sickened by Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Howard said he doesn't understand why people are fascinated by Kim. Howard said that kid could be Hugh Hefner's next wife in 2039.
Howard said he read some email about the Bobo thing yesterday. He said he was a little rough on Sal. He said he realized that. Howard said Sal wore a laser helmet to try and save his hair. He said he has to be over the top to get through to them sometimes.
Howard said Mel Gibson turns 56 today and he says he's not doing anything special. Howard said he might rage against the Jews for a couple of hours. He said maybe he'll curse out a few women and then it'll be over. He said he'll be on to the next day.
Howard said he was reading about the paparazzi guy who died trying to take pictures of Justin Bieber's car. Howard said there isn't much more of an embarrassing way to die.
Howard said he read an article about how people who are slightly overweight can live longer than thinner people. Robin said that they're talking about people who are just a few pounds over their weight. She said it's not the obese people.
Howard said he read about a woman who flew over a balcony at a strip club while dancing. Howard said he has to say that guys in strip clubs don't care about the pole dancing. He said it's such a waste of time. Howard said he used to go to the clubs and it can take away from the sexuality. He said you just need to be naked and rub your knee in a guy's crotch. Howard said that's all it takes. He said that's all any guy wants.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said Fred Armisen is going to be coming in today. He said he was a big drummer before he got on SNL. Howard said he was in the Blue Man Group. Howard said that isn't easy. He said that he ran into those guys back stage at AGT and they refused to speak even though there was no one else around. He said it was very strange. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and asked what happened with the gay web site thing. Robin asked what that's about. Howard said they were hanging out talking one day and Sal or someone wondered what would happen if they put their pictures up on a gay web site in some other country. Sal came in and said that was actually in Australia. Howard said they put Sal, Howard, Benjy, Fred and Gary up on the web site. Benjy figured that he'd get all of the dates. Howard said Benjy thinks he's good looking but he thinks he's gross. Howard said Fred is in there too. He said he can't wait to hear the results.
Sal said Will is in there too. He said that they all had nicknames. Howard was Peter Longfellow. Will was the Gaped Crusader. Howard said that they did this in another country so no one would know who they were. Howard said they were going to go to a woman's dating service too but it was more about the gay thing.
Sal said he broke it down into four questions. He said the first category was who got the most views. He gave Howard a multiple choice. Howard's name wasn't in there. Howard asked who got the least views. Sal said the least was Jon Hein. He said he got zero. Sal said that he got zero winks or nudges on the dating site. Howard said not one gay man wanted Jon Hein. Sal said not one.
Howard asked Sal what was next up. Sal said the next thing was Fred who was known as Happy Man. He also got zero winks and only one email. The email said ''hey'' and he got no winks or nudges.
Sal said that Benjy is Sexy Fit New Yorker and he got one view and one email. the email was simply ''hi'' and that was it. He said someone blew Benjy a kiss. Howard said Benjy is not that hot. He said he only got one guy. Benjy said he's sure he could get laid by a guy.
Sal said JD is known as Rimmington Steel. He said he got zero views and zero emails and zero kisses. He said he has an interesting one now. He said that he's not done yet. Howard told him to go from bottom to top. Sal said he'll do that.
Sal said that Richard is known as Rusty the King Snake. He got zero views, emails or nudges. He said Ronnie is known as Mambo Man. He got zero views and zero emails. Howard said he's getting hopeful now. Howard said he hasn't even been mentioned yet. Howard said Benjy and Fred are doing well so far.
Sal said he got one view and one email that said ''Hi, cheers my mate.'' He said Gary, or Blue Magic123, got one email and a wink.
Sal said that Steve Brandano known as Little Stevie got one email and two views which was tied with Gary. He said Steve received an email from a 16 year old gay boy. Sal said that the kid said he's looking for an older man and a fun relationship. Howard said Steve looks like he could be a femme kind of guy. He said he can see him being gay. Sal said that everyone runs as soon as he opens his mouth.
Sal said now he's down to Howard and Jon Leiberman. Sal said that Jon Leiberman blew everyone out of the water. He got 4 views. He said one man winked and one man emailed. He said he got the most views out of everyone. Howard said it's that suit jacket that turns everyone on. Howard said they weren't even going to put Jon in the running.
Sal said that Howard got zero views, zero emails and zero winks. Howard said that web site is fake. Sal said they will check back in 6 months to see how they're doing. Howard said someone will figure it out and they'll end up screwing things up.
Robin asked what happened with Will. Sal said he got 2 views an email and a wink. Sal said they didn't use Jason because he wouldn't fit on the page. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said tomorrow they have Natalie Maines coming in. He said she did a cover of that Pink Floyd song. Howard said it's not to be confused with this other song. It was clips of Howard's mom talking over ''Mother.'' Howard said that's a heavy song. Howard said he asked Gary what the song meant to him and he was completely wrong. Howard said the song is about how his mother's voice is in his head and he's trying to break free of his mother. Howard said Roger Waters wrote it and that's what it's about. Howard said Gary gave him some convoluted explanation.
Gary said that it was about growing up during the war and his father died in the war and it was about his mother. Howard said he had some other crazy stuff he was saying. Gary said he really didn't. Howard said he did too. Howard asked Jon Hein what Gary said. Jon said that Gary said it was more about his father than his mother. That led to Fred doing his impression of Gary giving his explanation of the song.
Howard said Natalie will be there to talk about her cover of the song. Howard said he asked her if she wanted to sing the song but he's not sure if she will. Howard said she wasn't really prepared to do that. Howard asked Fred if he could figure out how to perform the song. Fred said he'll work hard on that today. Howard said he can play the bongos along with the song. He said he could play the garbage pail or something. He said he's not sure if the song has drums in it. Fred said it might later on in the song. Fred played more of it and there were drums in it. Howard started pounding on something and said he could probably play a drum solo.
Howard said there is some terrorist in Guantanamo Bay who mentioned him in a letter. Howard said he thinks that the letter is a fake though. He said he thinks people are being scammed. Howard said something is off about it.
Howard played a clip of a reporter who said that this guy is learning about our country by listening to Howard Stern and watching FOX News among a few others. The reporter said these shows aren't even available in Guantanamo Bay. Howard said that they released the letters and the guy was making Baba Booey references and it sounds like a scam. Howard said someone must be telling the guy what to write. Howard said he's just going to ignore it.
Howard said he got the new iMac. He said it's super thin but it doesn't really make a difference. He said it's fast and the sound is good. He said it's faster at opening things. He said in terms of upgrading he's not sure if it's worth it. He said the thing looks basically the same from the front as the old one. Robin said she wasn't looking to upgrade anyway. Howard said it is faster so he got it. Howard said he likes that. Howard said that's the only thing he buys. He said he likes computer stuff.
Howard said that the only Twitter feed he follows is Rolling Stone. Howard said the Twitter feed is even better than the magazine. He said they tweet out videos that other people put out. Howard said he likes that feed. Robin said she'll have to start following that.
Howard said he saw Rachel Fine's ''Fine Time'' on Howard TV. She interviewed Jon Leiberman and they gave him an F, Marry, Kill and Jon said he would kill Lisa G. Howard said that they asked him who he would save out of Ronnie and Lisa G if they were on a sinking boat and he said he would save Ronnie. Howard said there doesn't appear to be any love between Jon and Lisa G.
Howard read about a robbery at an Apple store in Paris. Howard said they made off with about $1.3 million worth of products. Howard said they were closed for the day on New Year's Day but then they say that they went trough boxes in the basement and knew what they were taking. There were employees there at the time. Howard said they loaded it into a van and sped off. He said it was as simple as that. Howard said he finds that to be an incredible heist. Robin said it was smaller stuff so it must have been easier than they think.
Howard said it's too bad they can't apply themselves to a real job. Robin said they'd have to do that every day if they did have a real job. She said they'd rather hit one big score and not work for a couple of months.
Howard played more of the interviews and one woman said she wouldn't be able to have an orgasm with Howard. Howard said people just think he's gross.
Howard played a clip where they asked people what they think Howard's resolution should be. One woman said that he should stay off TV. Howard said he wants to be on TV so why would he resolve not to be on TV. Howard said he's not going to put up with any nonsense on AGT this season. He said if someone sucks he's going to tell them they suck and to get off his stage.
Howard played more of these women talking about how gross he is. She said that he's big, tall and ugly and fished that with ''god love him.'' Howard said God obviously doesn't love him if he made him big, tall and ugly.
Howard had some audio of Katt talking about how he's going to punch Quentin in the face if he sees him. He said that he thinks that he can use the N-word but no one said he could. He said it's disrespectful to do that. He said he did it 186 times in the movie and then put it out on Jesus' birthday. Howard said he's not sure why he can use it but Quentin can't.
Howard said Samuel L. Jackson got upset with a reporter not saying the N-word. Howard had that audio too. He played the clip and Jackson told the guy to try saying it. The reporter didn't feel comfortable saying it. Jackson said the interview was over if he didn't say it. Jackson refused to say it himself. The reporter said it won't make air if he does say it.
Howard said he has to get Katt in there to talk about that. He played more of that crazy rant Katt was on about the Django Unchained movie. Katt said that he has a 163 IQ and he gets tested every 6 months. Robin wondered why he would get tested so often. Howard said maybe Mensa makes you do that. Howard said he's not sure why he would test so often. Howard said he's pretty sure the IQ stays with you. He said maybe he's afraid of getting ripped off. Howard said he wishes he had an IQ of 160.
Howard said Katt was on stage screaming about Jamie Foxx and he really has to get him in there to talk about that. Howard said he know people got upset about the way Quentin changed history in his last movie. Howard said it's just a story though. It's just a movie.
Gary came in and said that he liked Django Unchained. Robin said she thought it was stupid. She said that the N-word thing didn't bother her but she didn't think the movie was very good. Gary disagreed. Howard said he hasn't seen it and he can't believe that Quentin didn't send him a copy.
Howard said he has some email to read but he has to take some calls too. Howard took a call from Bobo who asked how he did in the email feedback. Howard said he knows he got tons of good reviews. Howard said it's the first time he got some positives. Howard asked Fred if he had some positive stuff. Fred said he did and he'll give them to him tomorrow.
Howard read some email about the year in review shows. Howard said that someone wants Robin to bring back The Chatter. Robin said she's planning to. Howard said someone was happy that he was sticking up for the mentally ill and getting them help.
Howard said some people reminded him what a scumbag he is about the gift giving thing around Christmas. Howard said that people wrote in about Ryan Seacrest saying ''Gangnam style.'' Howard said they said he should be speaking with a full Korean accent instead of just with that one word.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wants to talk about the strippers who do gymnastics. He said the girls who make the most money are the girls who do the most simplistic moves and grind on a guy's cock. He said they don't care about the gymnastics. Howard said if you want to make a lot of money then just learn to rub your knee into a guy. The caller said he works in a club so he's seen this stuff.
Howard said one of his favorite bands as a kid was the band Cream. He said he got really sad when they broke up. Howard said he watched a documentary about Ginger Baker and he shouldn't have. Howard said he seems to be a really wicked guy. Howard said he would rather just know him as the drummer in Cream. Howard said the guy carries on like a lunatic. Gary said he read a story about how Ahmet Ertegun sent him a Ferrari to use in the Bahamas once and he asked why he sent him that ''dago car'' when he wanted a Bentley.
Howard said he was reading about how fucked up Italy is. He said that the president is stepping down and he says he's going to run again. Robin said it's a parliament so he can do that. Robin said that things are different over there. Robin said all kinds of weird things can happen over there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said when Bobo brought up the end of the world thing he was talking to his 11 year old daughter. He said after it happened he had her listen to Bobo and she asked what kind of IQ he had because he was the stupidest guy she's ever heard. The guy said that his kid has a 109 IQ and she's only 11. He said that she couldn't believe that there is an adult who took it that seriously.
Howard said Fred Armisen is there. Howard said he has to get him in there.
Howard said he forgot to mention that Fred (Norris) was on Fine Time with Rachel Fine too. Howard said that he talks about how he doesn't like Stuttering John. He also talked about how disappointed he was in the Billy Gibbons interview. Fred said that he had that cigar box guitar and didn't have his heart in it when he did the songs. He said he gave less than minimum. Howard played a clip from Fine Time where Fred was talking about Jackie Martling and how close they were off the air back in the day. He also talked about Stuttering John and how he didn't like his work ethic. He said John got a lot from the show without doing a whole hell of a lot. Fred said he had everyone else painting the fences for him while he sat back. Howard said he has to get to the other Fred now so they went to break.
Howard came back and said he doesn't like this song so much. He said he liked another song and Fred said that version is probably a 14 minute version.
Howard said Fred Armisen is there. Fred came in and Howard said he likes his look. Fred said he is such a fan of Howard's. He said he has been a fan his whole life. He said he listens all the time and has Sirius radio. He said he has it out in Portland when they shoot Portlandia out there. He said he is blown away even meeting Howard. Howard asked what it is that he likes about him. Howard said he'd like to do the whole interview like that.
Fred said Howard seems like he's interested in the people he's interviewing. Howard said it is real. He said he fascinated by Fred. He said that he's got a fascinating life. Fred said that they can talk about whatever he wants to. Howard said he does a great job on Saturday Night Live. He said just saying that he may have influenced his life is great. Fred said that Howard's views on politics are what kind of shaped him. Howard said it's almost like he's his father. Howard said he's kind of the son he's always wanted too.
Howard asked Fred about his Obama impression and how he did it for like 4 years on SNL. Howard said he did a great impression and now the new guy gets the Obama thing. He asked who broke the news to him that he isn't doing it anymore. Fred said it was a discussion with Lorne Michaels. Howard said he figured that Lorne would have a distance from the show. Fred said Lorne is very much in it. He said he is in it for every detail. He said he's in it for the paint on the walls and the costumes and wigs. He said he's in it with every detail.
Howard said Lorne is a major player. He produces Portlandia and a bunch of other things too. Howard asked if Lorne told him that he wasn't going to do the Obama thing now. Fred said that he'll ask what you think. He said he's fine with the other guy doing Obama. Fred said he gets to do so much on the show. He said he gets to do the craziest things on the show and he trusts what they're doing. He said he trusts Lorne. Howard said that sounds like a very healthy ego. Howard said he wouldn't want that taken away from him. He said Fred is okay with that.
Fred said he gets to do a lot of other things on the show so he's fine with it. He said the other guy, Jay, will be there for a while so he's okay with that. Fred said he doesn't get caught up in the competitive thing.
Howard said it seems like everyone else on the show is caught up in the territorial thing. Fred said that you don't think about who was on the most. You think about and remember who was funny.
Howard asked Fred if he has to write his own stuff. Fred said he does. He said that Obama was given to him in a way. He said they just let him try the impression. He said it's fun doing the impression and not doing it.
Howard asked if he has written great sketches that they won't put on the air. Fred said not really. He said he has written some stuff that didn't get on but he looks back on it and it wasn't that great of an idea. He said it all kind of works out. Howard said the ''What Up With That'' bit is funny but he thinks they've over done it. Howard said it's the same sketch every time. Fred said it is but the audience loves it. Howard said Samuel L. Jackson said the F-word recently during a sketch. He said that was kind of funny. Howard said he loves Martin Short on the show too.
Howard asked if there is some kind of ageism on the show. Fred said there have been some older guys who stayed on a long time. He said they do like the young energy but there are guys who stay on a long time.
Howard asked what Fred did for his audition. He said he did Vin Diesel and a Sam Waterston impression. He said he barely remembers what he did for Vin Diesel. Fred did a little bit of that impression for Howard. He said he didn't remember exactly what he did. He said Vin was at his peak with the movies at the time. Howard asked if he had that Vin Diesel in his act. Fred said that was last minute actually. He said he didn't even think about it after doing the audition. He said he has never done that impression on SNL. Howard asked if he can do the impression now. Fred said he didn't say he can't. He did some more of the impression and said he has like a space in his speech that sounds like he's got an echo in his cheeks.
Howard said that you have to just capture the essence of someone for an impression. Howard asked if they ask him to come up with an impression on the show. Fred said they do and they'll ask him to do something and he'll do it and it all works out when they come up with the costume.
Howard asked if he's Speedy Gonzales on some cartoons. Fred said he is. He said that he does that for Warner Brothers. He said that Kristin Wiig was doing some stuff and they asked him if he could do Speedy. Howard said he used to watch his dad recording cartoons. Fred asked how his dad is doing. Howard said he's going to be 90 on his next birthday. He said he's still the same guy but a little more mellow.
Howard said it gets him kind of sad thinking about his parents getting older. Fred said he hopes that some day people will live really long. He said that his parents are still around and they let him do a lot of stuff. He said that early on they didn't understand what was going on.
Howard asked to hear the Speedy Gonzales voice. Fred did it but he told Howard that they speed it up. He said they kind of pitch it up and speed it up.
Howard got back to Fred's parents. Howard said he knows that he doesn't take vacation at all. He said he goes from SNL to recording Portlandia. He said that Fred doesn't care about vacation because this is his time. Fred said that he spent a lot of time in bands playing music and that was a decade in a van. He said he was a drummer and he wanted to be on TV. He said he thought he could do that through drumming. Fred said that being a drummer is great. Howard asked if he was a rock drummer. He said that they were a punk band called Trench Mouth. He said they got nowhere after working really hard. He said he worked his way into comedy. Fred said that they had a real struggle. Fred said that it never happened for them. He said they would watch bands fly past them. He said Smashing Pumpkins was one of them. He said that he was very jealous. Fred said there's a happy ending to it all since he's happy doing what he's doing.
Howard asked Fred if he had to ask his parents for money when he was in the band. Fred said he did. He had to stay at home with them too. He said they had to perform in front of no one at times. He said he loved playing but there is a limit to it. Howard asked if he had a time limit. Fred said there was a bit of that. He said he went to Europe and after that he had to do something else. He said that they saw a band with guys older than them and the drummer was grey on top and he was still hauling around his equipment. He said he couldn't go out that way so he had to change something.
Howard said he used to see radio guys like that too. He said that they had to work for some punk 20 year old and they were old men. Robin said when she was a nurse she was walking to the hospital one day and she saw a 40-something year old woman carrying a bed pan and she prayed that wouldn't be her some day.
Fred told Howard he started making videos in 1998. He said he would go to a music festival and interview bands as different guys. He said the tape he made ended up making the rounds in Chicago. He said he could feel something was happening. He said people were writing about it and people would come out to clubs to see him. He said that a guy at HBO discovered the tape and asked him to do some stuff. He said he was in Blue Man Group at the time. Howard said that's a cool job. He said he met those guys at AGT and they wouldn't break character. He asked if he had to do that. Fred said he was in the band and they didn't wear make up. He said that they wore other stuff and they didn't have to stay quiet.
Fred said that it was great working in Blue Man Group because he got $100 a show and that was a ton of money for him at the time. He said he had to leave Trench Mouth though. Howard asked if his parents were proud of him after that. Fred said they did start to see that it could be something.
Howard asked Fred if he did stand-up at all. Fred said he did a little but it was characters. He said he would do everything in characters. He told Howard about a Latino character he did and then talked about the Butt Bongo tape Howard did and how he did a character like that. Fred told Howard how he remembers watching his TV show and reading his book. He said that was one of the only books he read. Howard said the same thing about the book.
Howard asked Fred about being married. Fred said he married one woman after he was in Trench Mouth. He said they were in love but it was also so she could get her green card. They were married for like 6-8 years. Then he got married and stayed married to her for 8 months. Gary said she's kind of famous too. Her name is Elizabeth Moss. Howard said that she must hate him after an 8 month marriage. Fred said he would imagine so. Howard said he read some quotes from her about Fred. Howard said she said that it's too bad he doesn't act like a human being. Fred said he thinks that he's a terrible husband and a terrible boyfriend. He said he's learning to fix some things in his life. He said he loves falling in love and wants it all really fast. He said that he has girls move in really fast. Fred said around a year or two in he gets freaked out. He said that he wonders who this stranger is in his house.
Howard asked Fred if he wants to pollinate every flower. Fred said he doesn't want to think that way but it's probably something like that. He said that he wonders why nothing is stopping him. Howard asked Fred if he goes into one of those things where he makes himself awful so the other person will hate him. Fred said that's what he does. He said you withdraw and get into the things that you think make you weird. He said he'll get into playing Xbox and things like that. Howard said you end up being the worst boyfriend. Fred said he feels bad for everyone he's gone out with.
Robin asked if he makes his way through Hollywood. Fred said it's not like that. He said he is trying to get better at not making promises right away. He said he did therapy for a while but he stopped. Howard said that's what he should be doing. He said that he needs to take a good, hard look at himself. Fred said that's an everyday thing that he has to commit to. Fred said he really should commit to it.
Howard asked Fred about dating Abby Elliott from SNL. Fred said he did that but it's over now. Howard said that he could have a great Hollywood romance. Fred said that it's more like this is a funny person who makes him laugh. He said it's not about Hollywood. Howard asked if they broke up on good terms. Fred said it was so-so terms. He said that there were times when they were able to keep it out of work but it got weird once in a while. He said that she's not on the show now. He said while they were dating it was uneventful. He said now they're friends.
Howard said that Fred is pretty normal from what he can see. Fred said it's hard to feel that. He said that his whole life is work. He said he's working on SNL for a lot of the time and then he's working on Portlandia.
Howard asked Fred about the guests they have on SNL that blow his mind. He said that Steve Martin is one and Paul McCartney is another. He said he was on the show and now Paul talks to him like a regular person.
Howard asked Fred if he gets freaked out when he's on camera. Fred said he loves it. He said they do a lot of rehearsals and they get the lighting and make up right. Fred said that he doesn't get nervous. He said that he thinks about being on Saturday Night Live and it's just preposterous that he's there.
Howard said he heard that Fred auditioned for SNL and there was a whole group that went out to lunch. He said that Fred was the only one out of the group that got selected. Fred said that is true. Howard said that must feel weird. Fred said he got the phone call during dinner but he didn't tell anyone else there at the dinner.
Fred said that they called him back to talk to him right after the audition. He said he had a feeling that he got the job.
Howard said that he's talked to a bunch of people who were on SNL and they usually audition in front of Lorne. Fred said that they have a bunch of people that you audition in front of. Howard asked if anyone laughed at his audition. Fred said he doesn't remember. Fred said that it was very weird because he was a few years out of a band and now he's on the SNL stage.
Howard asked if anyone has been shitty to him on SNL. Fred said no one has. Howard asked if the guest hosts not being strong pisses him off. Fred said it doesn't bother him. He said they're only there for a week and then they're gone. Howard asked if he's ever gotten to bang a guest host. Fred said he hasn't.
Howard asked what's going on with Portlandia. Fred said it's like people like himself and people who are trying to do the right thing. He said that it's about current day to day living. He said he writes the whole thing with a couple of other people. Fred said he's not sure if he's describing it right. He said it is a sketch show and it's about different characters. Howard said he heard about one episode where they got sucked into watching Battlestar Galactica and they didn't like the ending so they acted out their own ending.
Howard asked if he hangs out with Steve Martin now. Fred said he does and asked how Howard knows this. Howard said he knows things. Howard said he talked to Steve and he told him he likes collecting art and he doesn't get that.
Fred said he loves how Howard talks about going on vacation and what a waste of time it is to travel. He said he's kind of right. Howard said that he went down to Mexico and watched 3 seasons of ''Justified'' on his iPad to kill time down there. Howard said travel to him is just a different place to watch TV. Howard asked where Fred is living now. Fred said he's there in Manhattan. He's almost Howard's neighbor. Howard said he didn't know that.
Fred told Howard about hanging out with Steve Martin. He said they don't hang out all the time. He said they do email. Howard said he and Steve call each other once in a while. He said he does love Steve. Fred said he was invited to his house on New Year's Eve in the past. Howard said he would have loved that this year. Fred said Steve was out in California now.
Howard asked Fred what he did for New Year's Eve. Fred said he was up in Massachusetts. Howard asked if he got laid up there. Fred said he didn't. He said he does date and he is getting laid. Just not up there in Massachusetts.
Howard asked Fred about being into decorating his house. Fred asked how he knows this stuff. Howard said he just knows. Fred said he loves the Halloween look and he would like to have a fake graveyard in his backyard some day. Fred said it's crazy that Howard knows about that. Howard said they tap every guest's home for a week before they come in.
Howard asked what he would see in his apartment if he visited him. Fred said he doesn't get too crazy with the stuff. He said he has a painting and some bats around.
Howard asked Fred about what his break ups are like and why these women say that his best impression is being normal. Fred said he's not cut out for marriage so he may never marry again. He said he might live with someone again though. Fred said he doesn't want to be 70 and living alone. Howard said Hef just got married again. He has a 60 year age spread.
Howard read about how he tried to work in a funeral home but got rejected. Howard said that Fred's parents are a mix of Japanese and Venezuelan. Fred said that he had to borrow money from them when he was in his 30s. He said that's kind of embarrassing. He said now they're proud of him. Fred said to tell his mom he's on Howard Stern is great. He said that they used to listen together. He said his mom is kind of progressive. Fred said to see a south American woman laugh at Howard's jokes is great. Howard asked if they watched the WWOR show together. Fred said he watched that on his own. He said it was the radio show that they listened to together. Howard said his WWOR show was crazy. He said that's why they beat SNL.
Fred told Howard that Lorne is a big fan of Howard's. Howard said he's a fan of Lorne's too. Howard said he got to tell him how important he thinks he is to the industry. Howard said he meant it too. He said he wasn't looking for anything from him. He said he just wanted that chance to tell him that. Howard asked if he's ever been out to Lorne's house on Long island. Fred said he has. Howard said Lorne must really like him to have him out there. He said not everyone gets to go out. Fred said he was out there for a day and he has a big house. He said he spent the whole day with him. Howard asked if he's worried that he's annoying him. Fred said he odes think about that. Howard said he'd spend about an hour and then leave. Fred said that they talk about music and he's sure that Howard could last more than an hour.
Howard asked Fred about what he got Lorne for Christmas. Fred said he gets him a birthday present. He said he got him a row boat for his birthday. Howard said that's a very thoughtful gift. Fred said that he's a boss but he's also a guy he's known for like 11 years. Howard said that he gave him a TV show. Fred said he's changed his life a few times. Howard said this is what his employees should be doing for him. He said they should listen to this and pay attention. Howard said he has made these guys stars. Howard said he doesn't really want anything but they should buy him gifts. Howard said he doesn't want a row boat so don't get him one.
Howard said the season premiere for Portlandia is tomorrow night on IFC. Howard said that he must be the number one show on there. Fred said it is. He said he hopes he described the show okay. Howard said just being a good guest is enough to get people to watch. He said if you describe the show too much then people will lose interest.
Howard asked what impression he does the best. Fred said he loves doing Prince. Howard asked him to do his impression. Fred just said a low ''No'' and said that he is a huge Prince fan. Howard said he looks kind of like Prince when he does it. Howard said he's got that look down. Fred said he's been doing that since High School. He said he has done it 8-10 times on SNL. Howard said he could watch that every week. Fred said he'd like to do it every week. Howard said that Prince has that douche move where he doesn't talk and he doesn't get that. Howard said he was on The View and he was pretending he didn't know the language.
Howard said he loves Prince's music. He said he got a call from a friend who was having a Prince concert at his house. Howard said he was going to show up to see this performance. Howard said Prince decides to shut out the lights in the house. Howard said he wanted to see him and he wouldn't let them turn the lights on. Howard said he gave up on him after that. Howard said he thinks he's an amazing musician but he's a douche.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Portlandia is a great show. He said it's like those people who have to ask everything about the chicken they eat when they go out to eat. He said they ask if the chicken had good friends and things like that. Howard asked if Fred has friends who are like that. Fred said we all have friends like that. The caller told Howard about some of the characters they do on the show and how much he likes them. He mentioned one retarded character and Howard had him do that for him. Fred mumbled a bit. Howard said he has to see that. Howard asked how he got to Ben Affleck to do the interview as that character. Fred said Tina Fey helped set that up.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he has a hard time watching SNL. He said they don't put the cue cards in the eye line anymore and they're always looking to the side. He asked what the deal is with that. Fred said the cast members remember to look at the cards. He said they try to look toward the other person. He said that you just look right at the cue cards and not at the person. He said the hosts look at both so it looks like they're reading the cue cards.
Howard said that Alec Baldwin is the best guest host on the show. Fred said he really is great. He said Chris Walken is great too. Howard said that Tina Fey was upset with Paris Hilton being on the show. Fred said he remembers hearing that interview.
Howard said he heard that SNL got started because they didn't like the way the Carol Burnett show cracked each other up. Howard said that they rarely crack up on SNL. Howard said Bill Hader does that a lot though. Fred said he's lost it a few times. Howard said Bill Hader is a brilliant guy. Fred said he really is. Howard said Kristin Wiig is a great one too. He said that movie she did was great. Fred said that she is awesome and you want that to happen for people like that. He said that some people know when to get out. He said you can't stay there forever.
Howard gave Fred another plug for his show Portlandia. Howard said he's going to catch up on the first two seasons.
Howard asked Fred who he would save if he had him, Lorne Michaels and Steve Martin in a sinking boat with him. Fred said he would save Howard because he would talk about it for years to come. Howard said Lorne has already done all he can for him. Fred said that he'd come on the show and talk about it every day. Howard said the boat would be the row boat that he bought for Lorne Michaels.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Fred banged a friend of his. He said that he ended up sending him a get well card when he got sick. Fred said he remembers that. Fred asked how his heart is doing. The guy said the card he sent had a coffin on it. Fred said that it didn't mean anything about him dying. That's just a card he had.
Another caller said that he read that Letterman did an interview with Oprah and he told her that Jay Leno was one of the funniest guys in the world. Howard said he got a little upset with that. Howard said Dave has had him on his show more than any other guest. Howard said that Dave is the one who tells him that he's the funniest guy out there when he's on. He said he could have thrown his name into that. The caller wondered why Dave would do that for Jay. Howard said he was being magnanimous.
Howard told Fred to remember that when he does an interview with Oprah. Fred said that Howard means a lot to him and he has no idea how much. Howard said that makes him feel good. Howard asked when there will be a Trench Mouth reunion. Fred said they're still his friends. He said the singer does some of the art work for Portlandia so they're still intertwined. Howard wished him luck with Portlandia and with sex and relationships. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said that he was making the observation about the Sandy Hook shooting and how the news stations are so desperate for information. He said a week later they're interviewing anyone they can get. Howard said one guy was a mechanic for the mom of the kid who did the shooting. Gary said he saw that interview and the guy knew her for 10 years. He said while he was talking it said ''Was supposed to change brakes on Adam Lanza's car next month.'' Gary said the guy knew nothing by the way.
Howard said that the next tragedy you'll see the same kind if people on the news. Gary said that they sent a guy to interview the paper boy for the Unabomber's brother's neighbor. Howard said they got that exclusive. Howard said they're probably the only people who interviewed him. Howard told Gary they'll have to start doing that with the next tragedy.
Howard talked about what they could ask people who drove by Adam Lanza's house 3 weeks before the shooting. Howard said he's not sure what you ask the mechanic of the mom's car. Howard said they must ask how much mileage was on her car and what the deal was on the tires. He said they could ask about the way they're wearing to find out if she was braking like Adam was out of control in the car. Howard asked Fred to write down to get peripheral people in the next tragedy since Gary wasn't answering him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he caught Kathy Griffin on Letterman last night. Howard said he didn't. The caller said that they cut Kathy off saying that she was pretending to blow Anderson Cooper. Howard said that's Dave pretending he's upset about sex when he's perfectly comfortable with it. Howard said he hasn't seen Kathy for a while now. Howard said that once people get back on Letterman they stop coming on his show. Howard said Kathy looked pretty good on CNN. He said she was in a bra and panties and she looked good. Howard said CNN refused to show her below the waist though. Howard let the caller go after the guy wished him a happy birthday.
Robin read about a study that was done that found 56 percent of Americans believe in love at first sight. Robin said that if you don't spy on your spouse's email then you're in the majority too. Howard said he has never spied on his wife's email. Robin said that most of us get along with our in-laws too. Robin went through a whole list of things that they found in the study.
Robin said that the hardest thing to deal with is the partner's choice of TV shows. That led to Howard doing his impression of his parents talking about watching TV together. Howard said his father wants to watch Dirty Harry kind of movies but his mother doesn't want to see that. Howard said his mother would hear the name of the movie and he'd make up some other description of the movie so they'd go see a violent movie. Howard said he'd do that with TV shows too. He said he'd tell his mother that Frankenstein was about a guy named Frank who meets a girl named Stein and they fall in love.
Howard said his parents watch Seinfeld and Jeopardy. Robin said they can't watch some of the greatest TV shows on TV. Robin asked if they ever saw the Godfather. Howard did his impressions and had his mother talking about how she doesn't like the violence and carrying on. Howard said his mother likes Gone with the Wind and some of the NBC shows. Robin said they must like Downton Abby. Howard said they might. Robin asked if they watch Dexter. Howard did his impressions where his father can't hear and his mother has to repeat herself. Howard said when his parents stayed with him at his house they missed Dancing with the Stars. He said he had them watching it on his computer. He said he never thought they'd do that. He said they did though. He said they still won't let him put a TiVo in their house. They still use a VCR. Howard said he's not even sure how they buy video tapes.
Robin got back to her news and read about Hillary Clinton getting out of the hospital. They spent a little time talking about that before Howard read a live commercial.
Howard did the top 5 songs in the country countdown. He had Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, The Lumineers, Rihanna and Bruno Mars at number 1. Howard said he doesn't know what it means to have a number one song at this point. He's not sure anyone is making money anymore.
Robin read a story about Patty Page dying at the age of 85. Howard said he doesn't know her stuff. Robin had one of her songs called Tennessee Waltz. Howard said he does know that song. Robin said his parents probably know about that. Robin said they say that she sold over 100 million records. Howard said she's up there with the Gangnam Style guy. Robin said she was probably the Taylor Swift of her time. Howard said he doesn't think the world will go on without him. He said he doesn't want to miss out on the inventions and all of that. Howard said he guesses that iPhone 79 will be out by the time he dies. Robin said maybe there's reincarnation. Howard said there is no such thing. He said just his luck he'll be reborn and he'll hear his mother's voice saying ''Welcome back Howard.'' He did an impression of her welcoming him back. He said this time they'll end up living in Beirut.
Robin read a story about the Sandy Hook classes starting up again today. Robin said that the news people are interviewing whoever they can and they're following the kids around. Robin said they'll have news crews outside of the school today to talk to them about how they feel. Robin said they say they'll be going to the safest school around.
Robin said the FBI did more gun permits after the shooting than before. Robin said that people went out and bought guns after the shooting. Howard said he guarantees that nothing will happen with gun control. Robin said it's not the sane people that are doing this stuff. She said that it's the mentally ill. Howard said that this is what he's been talking about. He said we have to get help for the mentally ill.
Howard got back to doing his Ben and Ray impressions and talked about being reincarnated. Howard said this time he's going to end up being gay and he'll marry Anderson Cooper who comes back too.
Robin read about the movie shooting in Aurora, Colorado and how they're going to reopen the theater where the shootings took place. Robin said there are some people who think the theater should be a memorial for the 12 people who died. Howard said he's not sure he'd find it inappropriate if they reopened the theater. He said he's not trying to be insensitive there. Robin said the families were invited to the reopening and some of the families are upset. Howard said that's not right to send out invites to the reopening. Robin said one of the victims is going to be there. Robin said that this woman says she's not going to let the bad guy win. She had some audio of that woman talking about going to the opening.
Robin read a story about The Journal News being threatened after they revealed residents with gun permits in their area. Robin said that many people were upset with the move. Robin had some audio of a resident talking about how they were so against guns but now they've hired armed guards. Howard said he wouldn't mind if someone posted his gun permit because then people will know that if you come into his house he's going to shoot your ass. Howard said the dangerous part is that they list people who don't have guns so the criminals will know where to go and not get shot.
Robin read about how two Taliban commanders have been killed by a couple of U.S. drones. Robin read about the two who were killed and the details of how they were taken down. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about Sarah Palin's daughter having a stalker. Robin said the man is a 39 year old from Texas. Robin said that she got a creepy engagement letter and a ring. Howard said he got a letter like that once and it was from a guy. Robin said that Bristol is looking to make the restraining order permanent later this month.
Robin read about Julianne Hough writing about her tough past. She was abused mentally and physically as a child. Howard said she's so hot. Robin said she was in England in school and her parents weren't there to protect her. She was only 10 years old and she thinks she was made to look 28 and she was dancing sensually. Howard said some of the kids who audition on AGT look inappropriate. Howard said some of the dances are very sexual and they're just kids. Robin said there used to be shows on Public Access and they had kids dancing in their living rooms and it was sad and weird because of all of the perverts out there. Howard said Julianne Hough is so sexy and hot and she could do better than Ryan Seacrest. Howard wondered why the parents would send a 10 year old to London to dance. He said they must really love dance.
Robin had Howard play Psy's ''Gangnam Style'' and said that Spotify says that it was one of the most played on New Year's Eve. Howard asked if there is any indication that he could have another hit. Robin said no but they're going to keep playing this song over and over. Robin said Rihanna's ''Diamonds'' is second to Psy's song and it only had half as many plays. Howard had Fred play Hanzi's freak out clip while he played ''Gangnam Style'' again. He read a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read about bobby Womack who is a member of the Rock and Roll hall of fame. Robin had Howard play one of his songs. Howard said he thinks that the J. Geils band covered that song. Robin said that Bobby has told the BBC that he's showing signs of Alzheimer's. Howard said that's a drag. Robin said he has started to notice some of the symptoms himself. Howard said he hopes he doesn't end up with that. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:15am.
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Gary told Fred how great a guest he was and how it seems like a lot of the SNL people are good guests. He said Fred was good because he had stuff to say. Fred said he has no idea what he sounds like or what that interview sounded like. He said that was nice of him to say.
Jon said it's always good to start off with a genuine love for Howard. Fred said he can finally say that he's done that. Gary said he did the Jimmy Fallon show and Fred came down to say hello to him. He said that he told Fred if he ever wanted to come on the show he could come down and hang out. He said Fred came down and did the Wrap Up Show.
Jon told Fred that just doing a great interview is what helps plug his show Portlandia. Fred said he wasn't sure how to describe it and he wasn't sure how that was coming across. Gary said he wants to talk to him about meeting his heroes like Paul McCartney and Steve Martin. Gary asked what he says when he goes up to McCartney. Fred said he talked to him about music. He said he wanted to ask him about Harry Nilsson. He said he saw the documentary about him and he had to know more. Fred said that he wants to have a conversation with Paul and not just tell him he's a fan.
Gary asked Fred what people ask him most about. Fred said that people bring up Portlandia but then they'll do impressions of characters he does. Fred said that it depends on where you are what they'll bring up. JD was laughing at some stuff that he was saying. JD wanted to ask him how he asked Abby Elliott out. Fred said they were friends first. He told JD he has to be friends with her first. JD said she follows him on Twitter. Fred said she's a fan of the show too. He said Abby made him laugh really hard and her family is great. Gary said he knew her grandfather. Howard used to trash her grandfather Bob Elliot of the Bob and Ray show. Gary said Chris Elliott is Abby's father. Abby's sister is about to do stand-up now too.
Fred asked JD if he's single. Gary said he's very single. JD said ''Fuck you Gary!'' Fred asked how he's not out there getting chicks. JD said he doesn't do anything. Gary said girls dig him and he's not sure how to pull the trigger. Fred said he'll find someone eventually. Jason said he does get laid but he doesn't take advantage of that.
Fred said that JD has this creative job and he may not even want one. JD said that's a long story. He said he's more worried about Abby Elliot.
Jon asked Fred about being on Saturday Night Live for a long time and when he's going to know that it's time to go. Fred said he knows he can't be there forever. He said he talks to people like Amy Poehler and it's highly emotional. He said the show is great and you have to move on to something else eventually.
Gary said that the last 4 years of SNL has been really good. Jason said that they have a great cast this season. He said the new people are great and the other cast are great too. Jason talked about how Fred is now the guy who takes people from SNL and puts them on Portlandia. Fred said he loved when they would do that in the movies and now he can do that with the TV show. It's like a little club where they help each other out.
Jon asked about Lorne Michaels being really involved with the show and how he handles that. Fred said it's actually great. He said he's involved in everything down to the paint color. He said Howard must be the same way. Gary said that he does like their opinion when he's in the mood for it. He said at the end of the day it's his decision.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he loves some of the impressions Fred does on SNL. He said that's why he started watching the show again. He loved his Tony Danza and Penny Marshall impressions. Fred thanked the guy for that.
Jon said that he thinks Howard was in disbelief over the way he handled giving up the Obama character on SNL. Jon said Howard could never give up that. Jason said they've had SNL cast on the show who are very territorial and that's why Howard might think that Fred would be the same. Gary said that he's already established there so he can keep doing other things. He said he doesn't fight for things like that. He said he's taken care of there and he doesn't make a big fuss over anything.
Gary said he's read a lot of books about SNL and they've said that they can be brutal if you don't write your own stuff and if you're not liked there.
Fred said that they're a group there and you don't think about what the Beatles did individually. He said that SNL is a show people like and it doesn't matter what you like. He hopes that didn't come off like a lecture. Gary said it didn't at all.
Gary said that he didn't know what Fred went to high school with Jim Breuer. He said Jim was emailing him information during the interview with more information. He said a lot of the questions Howard asked today came from Jim.
Jon asked about some of the stuff Howard asked about that seemed kind of out of left field. Fred said he was blown away with some of that stuff. Fred said he wasn't as prepared for this as he thought he was. He said that he was unprepared for the Steve Martin questions and the Lorne Michaels questions. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Fred told Jon that he didn't want to shake Howard's hand today because he knows what he's like. He said that he just did a fist bump. Gary said he told him about the Wolfie interviews where he talked to people who didn't wash their hands. Today wasn't the day to wash his hands. Jon said it was also the day when they talked to Ronnie about how he cleans his ass. Ronnie was in and said he doesn't do that all the time, dude.
Jon asked Ronnie to describe what he does to clean his ass. Ronnie said what Sal was demonstrating was about what he does but he can sit on the vanity where his sink is. Jon asked how often he does it. Ronnie said it isn't every time. He said after you come out of the shower and you have to shit, that's when he'll do it. Fred said he'll take another shower if that happened to him.
Ronnie said he only does that at home. He said he won't go to the bathroom in any other bathroom other than home unless he's dying. Gary said he thought that he shit in the limo once. Ronnie said that was his guy ''Shitbox'' Richie.
Ronnie said that he writes poetry in the bathroom. He said that there are some people who do the same thing as he does. He said that guy Vic who does security for them does the same thing. Fred asked how he does that. Ronnie asked about spitting toothpaste into the sink and if that's germs. He said that he wipes his ass good first and then he washes out the remnants. Fred said he's not knocking him. He said he's just interested. Ronnie asked why he's judging him. Fred asked why he's mad at him. He said he's just interested.
Gary asked Ronnie if he thinks that the germs in his mouth is the same as feces. Ronnie said he's not putting feces in his sink. He said he's just washing his ass.
Fred said Ronnie could bring baby wipes into the bathroom. Ronnie said he doesn't think they clean as well as washing. Fred said a wet wipe can be flushed. Jon said if you're not clean and you're washing over the sink then something is getting into the sink. Ronnie said he's just making sure it's clean. He said it's soap and water.
Jason asked if he would do the same thing in his kitchen sink. Ronnie said he only does it in his personal bathroom. Jason asked what a vanity is anyway. He thought that was a sink. Gary explained it to him and said it's much more sturdy.
Jon said he thinks Fred is working on a new character as he's watching this. Ronnie said they can smell his ass right now and he's clean.
Jason asked Ronnie about his buddy Donnie and how he used to masturbate with him. Ronnie said they're getting this shit wrong. He said they were 14 years old and they would steal Playboy magazines from his friend's brother. He said they would jerk off in the same room and read the Playboy and that's it. He said he wasn't doing it with him. Jason asked what you do while the other guy is still doing it. Ronnie said you just leave the room.
Jon wanted to jump back over to Fred. Ronnie asked him what his story is. Gary said Howard just did an hour long interview with him. Fred said that he must be directing his anger toward the others toward him. Ronnie asked Fred if he has any story to tell. Fred said he should carry wet wipes. Gary said that Ronnie's anger is directed toward everyone in the world and not just the people in the room. Jon said they really have to take a break. Ronnie was still talking about his shitting though. They had to cut him off and go to break.
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Jon asked Fred about going to Portland to work after he's done with SNL. Fred said he's always been that way. Jon said that they love Portlandia. He said they loved the Battlestar Galactica bit they did. Jason said they played almost the whole bit on Geektime. He asked how they got almost the whole cast to do the show. Fred said that they didn't think they were going to be able to do it but they fond one day when they were able to get them and they did it.
Jason said that the show is really good and the director is very good at directing. He said the show moves along quickly and they have sounds and stuff that work really well. Jon said the show is on IFC and you have to see it.
Ralph called in and said that they talked about the Battlestar thing. He said that he told his mom that he turned his mom on to Justified and she was doing the same thing with that show that the did with Battlestar on Portlandia.
Ralph also brought up Ronnie washing his ass in the sink and said that he's desperate for attention. He said that Fred doesn't need to talk about that kind of stuff. Ronnie told him that at least he's up for the show and Ralph isn't.
Jason said he hates when people laugh on live shows. Jason said he doesn't like it when Bill Hader is doing it. Fred said that sometimes they'll throw in some lines that Bill didn't see before the bit and he'll read them for the first time live on the air. That's why he'll crack up sometimes. Gary said he had no idea that was going on. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about how Big Foot Jr. (Jay Tesoro) was sitting in with them this morning. Big Foot said that it was nice being inside because it's nice and warm in there. Howard asked how his Scabies are doing. Big Foot asked if he caught them from last time he was there. Howard said no. Big Foot asked to shake his hand and say Happy New Year. Howard said no to that too. He said that he wasn't supposed to shake hands but he broke that rule last night.
Howard mentioned that Robin wasn't in this morning so he had Jon Hein and Gary Dell'Abate sitting in. Howard said JD and Ronnie were going to sit in but they have shows to perform.
Howard said he got sick and he thinks he has four suspects. He said he went to dinner last night and met with Dwight Douglas. Gary said he's a radio consultant. Howard said he was in Hartford working at WCCC for a while and he was kicking ass for the station there. He said it was basically just him and Fred would pop in once in a while. Howard said he had to do production and he was the public affairs director too. Howard said he was going nowhere fast. He said he had to lie about how much he was making to get an apartment. He said he was making $12,000 and he wasn't even making that much. He said he wasn't even able to get a shitty apartment that had sewage overflowing.
Howard said the whole thing was awful. Then one day he was on the radio and he got on his knees and he stated to tear up. He started to pray to god, the radio god, and asked to get him out of Hartford. He said he had asked for a raise from Sy Resnor and he had to think about it. Howard said he was doing so great that the station across the street was nervous about him. He said he was doing pretty damn good. He was making waves and inroads in the market.
Howard said he started praying and that night he got a call from Dwight Douglas who was a radio consultant for Berkhart Abrams. He said that Dwight offered him a job in Columbus, Ohio. Howard said they had a 21 share at this station in the mornings. Howard said he figured he could only go down from Hartford. He said he didn't get the job in Columbus since the morning show was just negotiating. Howard said Dwight ended up getting him the job in Washington DC and that's where he met Robin. Howard said Dwight got him early on when everyone else was dicking him around. He said Dwight told him that no one understood what he was doing. He was just a good dude. He said he was a nice guy in a sea of idiots.
Howard said he got some support but Dwight was one of the early ones. Howard said he hasn't seen him in like 100 years. He went out to dinner with him last night and fist bumped him at first. Then they were finishing diner and this guy was looming around the table. He was trying to ignore the guy but he was creeping him out. Howard said the guy leaned in and said hi. It turns out it was Al Roker. Howard said he didn't recognize him at first. He said he shook his hand. Howard said he's just getting over getting sick. He said Dwight decided to shake his hand too. Howard said his New Year's Resolution is already over.
Gary said his son was up there yesterday and he told him not to shake his hand. Gary said he loves when Howard gets sick and he has suspects for who got him sick. Howard said one person was around him and they were sick and claiming they had allergies. Howard said another person who is close to him was sick and wasn't admitting it. Gary asked if he gets sick and thinks that it's always another person like that. Howard said it is a person. That's how germs are spread. Howard said the change in weather always fucks him up.
Gary said Jackie's wife got him sick once and Jackie was upset that Howard blamed her for years. Howard said the Tan Mom was in there and shook his hand. Howard said he remembers breathing in after she coughed and he felt he was breathing in the illness. Howard said he doesn't know that she got him sick but those are his suspects.
Howard said Beth doesn't think that she's the one who got him sick. Howard said he hasn't taken her out of the loop. Gary said Al Rosenberg's wife got Howard sick once too. Gary said Al still talks about that 30 years later.
Howard said Beth is the one who tells him not to take anything but this time she suggested taking something for his flu. Howard said that he doesn't like taking antibiotics. He said that he went through this over his whole vacation but he won't take anything for it. He said he's still coughing.
Howard said he's broken his resolution already. He said that he figured ''fuck it'' anyway. Howard said he was kind of freaked out that Robin wasn't going to be there today. He said he likes to have her there to talk to.
Howard said he doesn't think Gary even understands the suit. Gary said he thinks he knows what it is. Howard said he'll explain it to him. Howard said that he can tell them how the whole thing went down with the judge.
Howard said he left terrestrial in 2005 and signed the contract in 2004. Howard said he will do this real quick. Howard said that Dave Attell and Natalie Maines will be in and he has to get through this quickly. Howard said Dave is broke and he can't believe that. He said the guy is on the road and it's really sad. Howard said there are a lot of people out there like that.
Howard said that he will go through this quickly. Howard said you go back to 2004 and he's sitting at terrestrial radio at number one. He said he has a network of 60 stations and he's probably the highest paid guy on radio. Howard said he worked his whole life to get there. He said he had struggles with the FCC and with his own company over syndication. Howard said he had to fight everyone. He said he had to fight for all of the stuff he had.
Howard said he was always respectful of that empire he had. Howard said he never tried to rip off his audience like some of these guys do with their shitty products. Howard said he was kind of the Johnny Carson model. He said you don't have to sell every little thing or make every appearance. Gary said Howard never had an Excellence in Broadcasting chair. Howard said he did buy one from Rush. Howard said they left it behind because it was so shitty.
Howard said that he was approached by satellite radio and they offered him a good deal. Howard said he could have stayed at CBS and gotten a better deal. He said he was in a good position there. He said he had a deal on the table from satellite. Howard said they had 600,000 subscribers. Gary said they weren't proven and they were the lesser company. Howard said they were the loser company. He said that he was told not to go there because they were going to fold. Howard said he met with Leon Black and he had to have him there. Howard said he was their hope and dream. Howard said Leon said he would give him what he needs. Howard said he needed to be vested in this company. He said if he hit them a home run he wanted to be rewarded. He said he was walking away from a huge payday on terrestrial radio. Howard said Dwight pointed out to him that it was going to be the 100th anniversary of the radio and he's the most successful guy on radio in those 100 years. Howard said everyone failed when they tried to replace him.
Howard said Leon Black told him that he was the Leonardo DiVinci of radio. He said Leon wanted to buy him for radio. Howard said he went home and wondered if he could go to satellite. He said they could have gone under in a year after he signed. Howard said there was no guarantee it would work. Howard said he had to think about his future in radio. He said that he didn't know if someone else was going to come in and take over the audience or whatever.
Howard said he wanted to get paid and he wanted a bonus. He said that they came up with a chart that showed the bonus he would get. He said it would be for the number of subscribers they had. Howard said the deal wasn't just for his subscribers. He said you can't tell if they're ''his'' subscribers. He said it was based on subscriptions period. He said it was the company subscriptions. Howard said that was kind of cool because they have so much to offer there. Howard said it was based on everything. He said they had a great potential there.
Howard said they broke it down into increments. Howard said that Leon was ready to sign this thing because who could have imagined what would happen. XM was killing Sirius and there was only room for one company.
Gary said they had 400,000 subscribers when Howard announced. Howard said that was nothing. XM had 2 million. Howard said they had spent 500 million on each satellite and they were so in the hole that they had to keep borrowing money on the stock. He said it was a crazy company and he was the hail Mary pass.
Howard said he believed in himself an he believed in the audience. Howard said he figured they would trust him after he didn't rip them off in all those years before. Gary said they had a lot of freedom there too.
Howard said that he waited it all out and about a week before his contract had to be signed he and his agent talked. He said they talked about every doomsday scenario. He said they were wondering what would happen if the company went bankrupt and maybe have the money put in escrow. Howard said that didn't happen and he was very paranoid about what might happen. He said he walked away from an empire and he wanted to be part of the success of this company. He wanted to have his own Oprah moment.
Howard said he was talking to his agent about a terrible scenario. He said if Sirius tanked and XM merged or took over then they might fire him. He said his career would be fucked. Howard said they could have gotten rid of him. Howard said this was last minute and they went to Sirius and came up with a scenario where he gets this certain dollar amount. Howard said they had this written in the contract. Howard said he was picturing the worst case scenario.
Howard said that he got paid when XM and Sirius merged so the judge saw that and she said that he got his bonus. Howard said that bonus had nothing to do with the bonus he was supposed to get from Sirius. Howard said that they have 20 million subscribers now. He said that's his bonus. Howard said that the number of subscribers is for that company. He said that it's the same company and the same money but they say that they're XM subscribers so they don't count. Howard said the reason they're in the position to get those subscribers is because of him. Howard said that he got a subscription level bonus and this other bonus from the merger. Howard said that's the entire contract. Howard said Mel wasn't even there for the contract. Howard said Mel told him what the contract says and he wasn't even there. Howard said he had no idea what was said in that room. Howard said Mel told him to sue them. Howard said they were pretending that another company was getting the money from the subscriptions. Howard said that it's one company getting that money.
Howard said he was denied his moment by this judge. Howard said he wouldn't have made Oprah kind of money but he earned it. He said he risked everything to come there for this moment. Howard said they didn't let him have it. He said it tears him up inside. He said he took all the risk in the world. Howard said he took that risk and then Viacom sued him for no god damn reason. He said they sued him saying that he mentioned Sirius on the air. Howard said they were all aware of it and they sued him because they were embarrassed they lost him. Howard said he got sued personally. He said Sirius isn't personal. He said that he was being sued by one of the biggest media companies in the world. Howard said then his own company that he risked everything for denies him his bonus.
Howard said that Joel Hollander told him that they just sued him to harass him. He said it was a big fuck you to him. Howard said that he was shitting in his pants and he was stressed out to the max. Howard said he knew that if he hit the home run that he would get the reward. Howard said it's a huge gamble to do what he did. Howard said everyone got big money from this deal. He said that people are walking away from it and walking away with huge money. Howard said he didn't get his reward. Howard said that's why he wanted to go to court and explain it. Howard said this judge took it away from him. He said he got his bonus from the merger but that was a doomsday payment.
Howard said his dad asked him about this and he got him going again. Howard said he will sue them to the end of time for this. He said his dad told him it's going to cost him a lot of money. Howard said he wants his chance to go to court and maybe win.
Gary said he's seen some things written about this about how greedy he is and why he wants to make even more money. Howard said it's not about that. He said he took the biggest gamble of his career and he wants to be paid what he's owed. Howard said they don't want to pay him his bonus and it's fucking killing him.
Howard said he could revers the ''you've made enough money'' thing on Mel Karmazin and Scott Greenstein. Howard said that if they left the company no subscribers will leave. Howard said if he leaves then they will lose subscribers.
Howard said he hopes that explains the lawsuit. Howard said he would have loved to have heard what the jury said. He never got that chance. He said this is costing him a small fortune though. He said that he's afraid that the next judge won't let him get his day in court either. He said he just wants a chance to tell his story in front of a jury. Howard said it's crazy what he did to leave his empire for this place. Howard said the world was his oyster. He said they only had 400,000 subscribers there. Howard said no one has been able to transition into a pay service. Howard said that's why Imus hasn't been hired. He said that he wouldn't bring one subscriber there. He said Rush Limbaugh won't bring any. Howard said he'd like to see him take the risk. He said none of them would.
Gary asked if Scott DePace would pay to hear Rush. Scott got on his microphone and said no. Howard said that no one on radio inspires the kind of loyalty that he does. Howard said he's not saying this out of ego but he's just that good. Howard said he's built a track record. He said he's not even sure why it works for him. He said you just have to be born the mess that he is.
Big Foot Jr. said that he feels his pain. He said he has a lawsuit against the whole state of Vermont.
The caller asked if Howard will go to that show in Atlantic City. Howard said no. He said he gets enough of Ronnie every week. He said he doesn't want to be anywhere near that show. Ronnie said he was asked that in an interview and he said Howard would absolutely not come to one of those shows.
Howard said Ronnie washes his ass in a sink and he thinks that everyone does. Howard said Ronnie is the only one doing it. He said that no one is doing what he does. Ronnie said they are too. Ronnie asked what the difference is between doing that in a sink or doing it in a bidet. Jon said you don't wash your face in a bidet. Ronnie said that it's not dirty. He said he washes his sink.
Howard said Fred Armisen thought that Ronnie was yelling at him. Ronnie said he guarantees he has skeletons in his closet. Howard said Ronnie used that term wrong yesterday too. He said that he said he had a ''skeleton closet.'' Howard said it's skeletons in your closet.
Howard played a clip of Ronnie telling the guys how he washes his ass and Fred Armisen asking some simple questions about it. Ronnie was yelling about how he does it and how he wipes before washing in the sink. Fred was saying he has no judgments but he didn't understand why he was yelling at him.
Howard and the guys were talking about using baby wipes but Ronnie doesn't like using those. Big Foot Jr. asked what this ''wiping'' thing is. He had no idea what that was.
Jason told Howard that he smokes every day. He said he could stop. Howard asked him to stop for 5 months. Jason said he could but why? Howard said he wants him to prove to him that he can do it. Howard said he thinks he's an addict. Jason said he really does like smoking. Howard said you're an addict when you rely on it so much. Jason said he does like going home and smoking. He said he rolls a blunt and he'll split it with whoever is in the house with him. That might be the same as 2 or 3 joints. Howard said he should do something like run or something useful. Jason said he's trying to use a vaporizer or something to take it easy on his lungs.
Howard told Jason to try smoking just one joint a week. He said he could do it one night. Jason said that would save him a lot of money. Gary asked what he spends on it. Jason said it's probably over $400 a month. He said he rarely buys more than an ounce at a time. He said he gets his for $400 a month. Gary asked if he spent that much on alcohol a month then would he have a problem. Howard said yes. Jason asked what they spend when they go out. Gary said that they might have two drinks at dinner each.
Howard said his doctor told him to cut back on drinking. He said he was supposed to drink one or two a week. He said he was having more than that and he was lying to himself. He said he stopped drinking. He said that he doesn't miss it but other people miss him drinking. Howard said people look at him like he's not fun. He doesn't give a fuck though. He said he doesn't miss it.
Howard told Jason to try quitting for a month stating today. Jason said he can do it but then he got an image of the half a blunt waiting for him at home. Howard said he has to quit for the month.
Ronnie came in and told Howard that he knew a guy like Jason. He said that it will eventually catch up with him. Howard said Jason is getting baked too much. Jason said he will try the challenge for a month. He said he'll be honest about it too. Jon Hein asked if he's going to be bouncing off the walls after this. Jason said he will. Howard said he shouldn't be smoking pot with the pills he's taking. Jason said that's true. He said he did tell his doctor about it and he said he shouldn't be smoking with those.
Gary asked Jason what he was going to do this weekend. Jason said he was going to go to Steve's apartment and play video tames and watch movies. That would have involved smoking. Jason said he will still go but not smoke. He said that he's been doing the meditation thing and that makes the pot smoking thing even better. He said the paranoia goes away with the meditation. Howard said Jason's dealer just committed suicide. Jason laughed. Howard let him go a short time later. Howard said he's tortured now. He said the caller was right. He said Jason will burn out. He said it's just too much weed. He said he loves the guy.
Howard said he has to get Natalie Maines in there. He said he has a lot to talk to her about. He went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said he loves that song. He said it's his favorite Pearl Jam song. Howard moved on to Natalie Maines who is now a solo artist. Howard said she's a super fan of the show. Howard said he hasn't seen her in so long. Howard said it's been like a year. Natalie said it might have been longer. Howard said she was at his house like 2 years ago. Natalie said that she was at one of Jimmy Kimmel's parties. Howard said she grew he hair back and he likes it. He said he thought she had a breakdown when she cut her hair off. Natalie said she plays around with her hair all the time. She said it's a pain in the ass when it's long. Howard asked what her husband thinks. She said that her husband met her with short hair. Howard said it wasn't that short. Natalie said it was pretty short. Howard asked if she warned her husband when she did it. She said it went in stages and she tried to fix something and it went awry. She said she had to go to a real hair dresser and start from scratch.
Howard asked Natalie what she thinks about what he said to Jason about smoking pot. She said she didn't hear the whole thing. Howard said Jason is smoking too much every day so he felt he was getting baked all the time and it's not doing anything for his health. Howard said he has a problem and Jason said he could quit any time so he told him to quit. Howard said Jason took the challenge. Howard said he's going to take him at his word. Natalie asked how he'll know if he's lying. Howard said he doesn't know. He's taking his word for it. Natalie said he might be able to get his weight under control.
Howard said he has never discussed her previous marriage before. He said she's married to Adrian Pasdar now but she was married for 18 months before Adrian. Howard said he heard that she used to go into the shower and pray that he would die. Natalie said she didn't do that. She said that she never said that. She said she would never say that. Natalie said she never contemplated divorce before and she never even thought about it as an option. She said she thought she was going to be in it forever. She said it was a relief to remember there was divorce. Howard said people forget about that. He said that you don't have to fantasize about death. Natalie said she didn't do that.
Howard asked how she realized that divorce was an option. Natalie said she realized she could admit a mistake and start over. She said she went to her husband and said she needed a divorce. She said he did not see that coming. Howard said she said that he was mean to her. Natalie said he wasn't mean to her. She said that he was unhappy in his own life and maybe a little jealous. She said she really can't even talk about it. Howard asked if she sees him around anymore. Natalie said she doesn't. She said that it's like a whole different life. She said she was only 22 at the time. She said she felt grown up but she wasn't grown up at all.
Natalie said in Texas 22 was a long time to wait to get married. She said that's where she was living. Howard asked if she went to college. She said she went to four. Howard said that sounds like disturbing behavior. Howard asked where she went and why it was such a bad college. She said she went to Texas A&M. She said it wasn't a bad place. She said she didn't have anything she wanted to do. She said she was waiting for something to happen to her.
Howard asked if Natalie was a prodigy. She didn't know what that meant. Howard asked if she could play instruments and sing without lessons. She said she couldn't play that well. She said that she knew she would be a musician though. She said she studied broadcasting in college. She said she figured there were no guarantees in life so she wanted to prepare. Howard said maybe she was scared to start the music career. Natalie said she went to the Berkeley School of Music for a semester. Howard asked if she had bands she played in. She said she didn't while she was growing up. She said her dad played guitar. She said he was a prodigy. She said he's the best. Howard asked if he made money doing that. She said he did and still does. She said he's not a big star but in Texas everyone knows who he is. She said he produces mostly now.
Howard asked when she stated singing. Natalie said she was 2. She said the family was all about music so they would all sing. Howard told her to drink some water because she's got dry mouth. Howard said he's not sure why she's nervous. She said she really likes Howard, that's why.
Howard asked if Natalie had a boyfriend in high school. She said she didn't really. She said she liked hanging out. She said she liked being cool. She said by the 10th grade she had no school spirit. Howard asked why she didn't leave high school and start a musical career. She said that she didn't think like that. She wasn't going to Nashville to perform. Howard said that Paul Simon hooked up with Garfunkel because he thought he needed him. He said that Natalie joined the Dixie Chicks and maybe she didn't need them. She said they were already a band for 10 years before she got the call. She said she wouldn't have joined them just to join. She said that her dad played with them sometimes and they heard a CD she made at Berkeley. She said that they heard that through her dad. She said that one of the girls said that she was going to quit if they didn't get Natalie to sing. She said they agreed on that too.
Howard said that they can't even get her back in the band and they put out an album that tanked. Natalie said the album is called Courtyard Hounds. Howard said that's the worst name for an album. Natalie thought it was kind of cool. Howard asked if they talk to her at all. Natalie said of course they do. Howard said he thinks that Natalie never saw herself as a country artist. Natalie said definitely not. She said she would tell people that she would listen to anything but country when asked what kind of music she likes. She said she got into R&B and then more into rock. Natalie told Howard about some other songs she performed and Howard had her sing a little bit of one of the songs. She sang a little and Howard said when she sings he wants to fuck so bad. Natalie told Howard about some other songs she did and Howard had her sing another bit of a song.
Howard told Natalie to sing all three tracks of the song. She said there's an app for that. Howard asked if she knows how to do all of that editing stuff. She said she really doesn't. She said she will sing into her phone when she comes up with a song idea though.
Howard asked Natalie when she last wrote a song. Natalie said she wrote some for this new album. Howard said he talked to her and she was saying she didn't have a lot of songs. Natalie said she was busy raising her boys so she didn't have time. Howard said he felt that was kind of sad.
Howard said he thinks what happened was when Natalie had the fans turn on her when she came out with her statement about George Bush things changed. Howard said that she came out against the war in Iraq and said that they were against it. Howard said that the country radio stations wanted to burn their records and the fans were calling them names and burning records. Howard said that they had the balls to say they were against the war. Howard said that put her through the mill. Howard said they had death threats and had to get security. Natalie said she had to move from her home out to the country. She said she didn't feel that affected by it while it was going on but years later she did. Howard asked how bad the threats got. She said that they had a particular person who wrote a letter to her aunt who is a newscaster. The person wrote what was going to happen about her getting shot at a concert. She said that was weird to read. Natalie said the media blew the whole thing out of proportion. Howard said he thinks that it turned her off to the business. Natalie said it did.
Howard asked Natalie if she apologized to Bush. She said she didn't apologize for what she said. She said she may have apologized for disrespecting the office of the President. She said if she was a solo artist then she never would have done that. She said that she felt she had to do that because of the other people in the band. Howard asked if they asked her to do that. She said they never did. She said they were super supportive. She said some of the fans were supportive too. Natalie said that there was one woman at a show who had her arms crossed the whole time and she said something about it. She said they got big cheers and applause but she didn't know how to be any other way than being herself.
Howard said at some point you grow up and you don't have to be responsible for the other people. Natalie said that she's still in the Dixie Chicks. She said she's not out. She said they're doing some shows in the summer. Howard said she was. Howard asked if it's going to be weird performing with them. She said it's really not. Natalie said she needed some time to focus on this thing she did.
Howard asked if she's worth $40 million. Natalie said she's not. Howard said that's what he read. She said Howard knows better than to believe what he reads. She said she has made some good investments. She said that she's really not about money. She said she would live in a tiny cute beach bungalow if it meant not working. Howard said maybe she should do that and just focus on her solo album. Natalie said that the other girls might think she kind of has done that.
Howard asked Natalie about the audience turning on the band. She said she can't rely on the country fans. Howard said they're very loyal fans though. Natalie said she's not supposed to be liberal as a country star though. Howard said maybe she should quit and be done with it. Natalie said she loves the Dixie Chicks. She said it was like wining the lottery with them. She said that she had a lot of fun with them. Howard said he thinks she's bitter. Howard said she's angry with the fans for turning on her.
Howard asked if she's putting out a rock record because of that. She said that's what she does and that's what she is. Howard said that her song ''Mother'' is on an album to help the West Memphis Three. Howard said those guys were accused of killing some kids. They had no evidence and Natalie said that it was so clear that they were innocent. Howard said they were supposed to be freed after being in prison for 18 years. Natalie said the leader was in solitary for years and he was dying. She said that meditation got him through. She said that evidence was mounting and these politicians in Arkansas weren't able to ignore it anymore. Natalie said that they had a lot of people behind them and they hired investigators to do help them get out. Natalie said the interesting part was that she had been in contact with the wife of one of the suspects. She said he got married in prison. Howard asked if he got laid. She said he didn't. She said that she has seen a lot about people who marry people on death row and she was nervous about talking to her. She said it's like she could be her sister. Natalie said this woman saw the first movie ''Paradise Lost'' and she saw Damian in the movie and fell for him. Natalie said they pinned the killings on him because of what he listened to in music.
Natalie said that she wrote an open letter about the case and in the court documents they named one of the step-dads DNA being at the scene. She said that she got sued over that but the suit was dropped. She said that she had insurance to protect her from this kind of thing. She said that this guy Terry Hobbs was never questioned. She said that he opened himself up to a deposition that turned out to be good for the case. She said she hopes that leads to something.
Howard said that Natalie recorded the Pink Floyd song ''Mother'' and she said that it was partly because of Howard. She said that Howard made her a better mother talking about his mother and his therapy. She said that she was always laid back but when you have kids then you have a lot of pressure on you. She said she didn't want to put it on her kids and she thanks Howard for that. Howard said he was going to play the song but Fred says he can play it on guitar if she's willing to sing. Natalie said she'd try it. She said the album ''West of Memphis: Voices For Justice'' is coming out on January 11th. She said that she loves Eddie Vedder now too. She worked with him on this album. Natalie said that the album is going to help the guys in the West Memphis Three live. She said they can't sue the state for wrongful incarceration so they need to make money somehow.
Howard said that he thinks that Fred is a good guitar player. Howard said he hopes he can pull this off today. Fred said he's going to give it a try. Howard said he heard that Natalie is upset with Gary. She said that not getting Howard a Christmas gift was just wrong. Howard said that he has done a lot for him. He said he doesn't really want a gift but it is weird when they don't get him something. Natalie said they should just get him a gift and not worry so much about what Howard is going to say to them. Gary said that it's easy to say that. He said he'll spend days or weeks to find a present and then Howard takes it and throws it in the garbage. He said he doesn't know that Howard appreciates the gift. He said he's being serious about that. Howard said he always gets his boss a gift.
Gary asked Natalie why she's not upset with Fred. Natalie said that Fred should have given one too. Gary said he has felt that Natalie doesn't like him from the day he met her. Natalie said that's not it at all. Gary said that he thinks she buys into that whole thing about him being a shlub on the air.
Howard brought up the time that he took pictures of Gary and he refused to wear a jacket after he asked him to wear one. Howard said he doesn't ask Gary to do a lot for him. Natalie said that she should have just brought the jacket. Howard said he was taking the pictures for Gary's charity and he didn't know what it was for at the time. Howard said it was just weird.
Gary said that he's the only one who Natalie brought up about the gift thing. Howard said she brought Lisa G too. Howard said she thinks that she's not a team player. Natalie said she was reminded of her Sweet and Meet and how Howard said he didn't like what she was doing but Lisa argued with him over it. She said that bothered her. Natalie said that she might start charging too. Gary asked if they do that. Natalie said they do a meet and greet but they don't charge extra. She said they're ticket winners and things like that.
Howard asked Natalie if she thought that it was weird that Gary stayed home during the hurricane. Natalie said she would have gotten out of the house and come to the city. She said that she saw Howard TV the other day and Gary looked good. She said that the jacket is working for him.
Howard took a call from a guy who explained the country fans and why they might have been against her. Howard spent a little time talking about that before moving on.
Howard said that Natalie ended up getting out of that 18 month marriage and then almost got married to Adrian right away. Natalie said she wanted to be one of those girls who could sleep around but she isn't that kind of girl. She said that she moves fast. She said that she and Adrian wanted to have a kid so they got married. She said that it's been 13 years now. Natalie said that they have a good sex life. Howard said he's been with Beth for about the same time. Howard asked if her sex life has slowed down a lot. She said that it depends on where they're working. She said that Adrian is good. She said he's huge. She said she has bigger balls. Howard said he sees Natalie on Twitter. He said that he got her into it but she won't shut up now.
Howard asked Fred if he's ready to play with Natalie. Fred said he thinks so. He said if it sucks then they can play the CD. Howard told Natalie to let him know if it sucks. Fred started playing and Natalie sang Pink Floyd's ''Mother.''
After the song Howard said he was so nervous during that. Natalie said that it was like double speed. Howard said he liked the way it moved along. Howard said he was on pins and needles. Howard asked if she would have liked it a little slower. She said it would have evoked more emotion if it was slower. Howard asked if she felt like bailing out. She said only because her voice is dry and she's feeling like she's getting sick. Howard said he likes when she warbles her voice in the song with that yodel thing. Howard asked if she knows how to yodel. She said she doesn't.
Howard asked about the new album and what she'll be doing on that. She said it's a rock album and she said her son told her that she's finally singing good songs. Natalie said that she worked with Ben Harper on some of the songs so she's going to bring him back there in May. Howard said he broke up with Laura Dern. Howard asked why she worked with just him. She said it was his band that she was working with. Natalie said she wasn't going there to make a record. She said she was just going there to shut people up. Natalie said that she went begrudgingly. She said that she wasn't interested but it turned out to be fun so they kept going. She said it's been a lot of fun. Howard said if he could sing like that he'd want to do it more.
Howard asked Natalie why she doesn't go out and sing more. She said she had to do some therapy and mature some. She said she had to grow up.
Howard said he had to review now. They went over some of the stuff they learned in the interview. Howard said Natalie went through the mill with the audience. She said it was the industry, not the audience. She said she loves the audience. Howard said that she went through the mill. Howard said there are still stations that won't play her music. Natalie said that it's crazy. She said she waved that country flag and banner even when she wasn't country. She said that they turned on her in a second.
Howard said that they also learned that Natalie is angry and Lisa G is no fun. She also said that Gary looks good in a jacket. Howard wrapped up and told Natalie to sit in on an America's Got Talent and maybe perform. Howard said she looks good with her hair grown out too. Howard said guys like girls with long hair. Natalie said she's never really cared what guys like. She said that her husband shaved his head. She said that they did that to one of their kids and then they did it to his head. Natalie said it's very freeing. She said she doesn't need a comb or a brush. Natalie said when it goes gray she may shave her head. Howard told her to keep it.
Howard gave Natalie some plugs and told her that her cover of ''Landslide'' inspired someone. He played a clip of Wendy the Retard singing the song. Natalie said she used to be more articulate. Howard cut it off when Wendy started coughing. They went to break a short time later.
After the break we heard a Ronnie Mund ''Elderly Depression'' public service announcement. We also heard a prank call Blue Iris made to an auto repair company about her false teeth being stuck in the radiator. They also played Gary's New Year's Resolutions for 2013. Fred also played the Rolling Stones ''Miss You'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that Dave Attell is coming in. He has a show on Showtime called ''Dave's Old Porn.'' Dave came in and said it was great hearing Fred strum out that song earlier. Howard said he was so nervous for Fred. Dave said that Natalie was basically telling him that he fucked up her song. He said that if he was on tour he would have been fired and all of his stuff would have been thrown off the bus. Fred said that she could have told him to slow down. Dave said Fred is a rocker. Howard said the Pink Floyd song is a very slow song. Fred said it's slow and very long too.
Dave said he saw Natalie and Lisa G out in the hall going at it. He said it's interesting to watch. Dave said Natalie gave Lisa some advice on how to be more fun. Dave said he was actually backing away from that and got out.
Howard said he feels sad for Dave. Howard said he has some notes about him. Dave was chewing gum so Howard told him to spit it out. Dave said this is his new thing. He's trying not to smoke.
Howard said Dave is broke and he feels bad for him. He said he has all of this stuff going on in his life and he must have made money when comedy was going strong. He asked where all of the money went. Dave said Will asked him how he was doing and he told him he's broke. He said he's kind of broke but he's not Honey Boo Boo broke. Howard said Dave is single and he has no children. Dave said not yet. Howard said he must not want kids. Dave said he does. He said he wants to pull a Letterman and do it last minute. He said he's 47 now.
Howard said that Dave is going to get a lecture today. He said Gary has been putting money away for his kids for a long time. Howard said Dave could have done that and had a nice little nest egg. Dave said he does need the money and he wants to keep the Dave's Old Porn show going. He said he needs money to take care of his mom and for mortgages and things. He said he's not good at business. He said he's okay with comedy. He said he should have been smarter with his money but he wanted to do things on his own and he had to do it with his own money. He had to put the money up for Dave's Old Porn. He said that they did give him money but he used his money to get started.
Howard said Dave is $300,000 in the hole. Dave said that's what he's in it for. He said that's why he needs the money. He said he has merch too and he's in that for another chunk of money. Howard asked if anyone is buying his t-shirts. Dave said no. He said that some comics are good at selling but others aren't very good at it. He said Jeff Dunham is selling puppets for $40-50 each. He said Larry the Cable Guy is good at it too. Howard asked if that disturbs him. Dave said it does. He said he thought it would be for fans of the show. He said that they don't promote the show very much because it's a late night show. Howard said Showtime is the place to be these days. He said he bets they could afford to pay that $300,000 he's in the hole for. Dave said he does a lot of editing and it's hard to make the decisions. He said he's a horrible producer. He goes over budget but the budget is really low. He said it's under $100,000 for a show. He said that's really low. Dave said Modern Family would be like one kid on the cast.
Howard said he had a $50,000 budget on the WWOR TV show. He said that included everything. He said that was really low. Dave said he's got great comics on his show and that part is going great. He said the editing is the hard part. He said it takes like 10 months. Dave said he's the one making the decisions. He said he can't be on the road if he's editing and he's double not making money.
Howard said if Dave had put money away he would have some money. Dave said he does have some money. Howard asked if he could retire if he had a stroke tomorrow. Dave said he has plenty. He joked that he'd have enough to get him to the airport.
Dave said that he's not that great but Howard has been very good to him over the years. Dave said the comedy thing gets tougher over time and it's tough to connect with some people as they change. Howard asked how old he was when he started. Dave said he wasn't good until he was in his 30s. He said he started at 22. Howard said it's different at 22 than 47. Dave said look at Don Rickles and Joan Rivers. He said ''...no, really, look at them.''
Howard asked Dave when he last got laid. Dave said he's meeting girls on the show and they're girls he grew up masturbating to. Howard asked if he's lonely. Dave said he wasn't until about 2 years ago. He said he was always a loner. He said now he feels it's monotonous. He said that he thinks he's growing up. Howard said he thinks he has. Howard asked how much he's smoking. Dave said he was up to 3 packs a day. He said he's down to 1 1/2 to 2 packs now. Dave said he drinks coffee and watches porn. Dave said he stopped drinking years ago.
Howard said he used to do that Insomniac show and fans wanted to drink with him. Dave said that the fans wanted to drink with him and he loves that they loved the show. He said it was a lot of drinking and a lot of on the street stuff. Dave said he's too old for that kind of deal now.
Howard asked if Dave smokes weed. Dave said he was never a pot guy. He said booze was his drug. Howard said he was a drinker for a little while.
Dave said he hangs with Artie and they do shows together. He said it's fun because it's him, Artie and Jim Norton and none of them drink anymore. Dave said they go to casinos and Artie talks about how many triggers they have. Now they go and get pie instead of drinking. He said they bring Amy Schumer with them and they feel bad for her. He said his mom taught Amy in Hebrew school. Dave said that he might be becoming more religious and he thinks that God hates him and he thinks that he's testing him now. Dave said his mother is into the temple thing but they would eat bacon.
Howard asked Dave if he's losing his mind. Dave said he's not sure. Howard said he's worried about him. Dave said he needs some money and he's made some calls. He said he's deeply in debt to the Amish Mafia. Howard told him to stop it. Dave said he was watching that show last night and he'd give it 3 Buggies.
Howard asked Dave if he thinks he should be doing something bigger now. Dave said he never wanted to be an actor or anything. He said he likes doing comedy. He said he loves doing comedy. Howard asked if he can make good money doing that. Dave said he's alright. He doesn't do as well as Louis CK. He said that he's not sure what he makes but he's very good to his fans. Dave said Louis is very successful. He said that he did all of those years as a writer and he worked very hard. He said he wanted it very bad too. He said Kevin Hart is doing well too. He said he can't afford to do what he's doing. Dave said he's in coach when he flies now. Dave said he likes coach because there's a level of douchbaggery up in first class and business class.
Howard said maybe Dave has what Jackie has and it's that death wish. Not a death wish where you die but a career suicide. Dave said he's been working so hard on this porn show though. Howard said he's not making any money with it though. Dave said he knows that but it's fun. Howard said if it's costing him money then he would get the fuck out of it. Dave said he believes in it and he's investing in the future. Howard said he can see where he's going with that. He said that he thinks that it must boost his name in the business. Dave said it really doesn't.
Dave said he did the Gong Show for Comedy Central and it was one of the worst experiences for him. He said they didn't do anything the way he wanted to do it and it was disrespectful to the Gong Show and to himself. He said that he said to himself he would never do anything like that again. He said that's why he wanted to do this show the way he wants to do it.
Howard asked Dave if he owns an apartment. Dave said he odes. He said he has a big mortgage. Dave said this whole thing isn't going his way. Howard said he brings this up because he feels he's 47 and things aren't going well. Dave said he turns 48 on January 18th. Howard wished him a happy birthday. Howard said Dave is a success and he's well known. He said he's a better comic than he's giving himself credit for. Dave said he's not that good. He said he knows some great ones like Bob Schimmel. Howard said he's glad he brings him up. Howard said he had a lot of off air dealings with Bob. He said that he was producing a show with him for the WB at one point. Howard said he keeps a newspaper picture of him when he died. Howard said he has it in a box he has because he really liked the guy a lot. Dave said Bob never got his shot because of life. He said he had the health issues and the sadness of his crazy life. He said he never stopped though. He said that's admirable to him. He said that he talked to him months before he died and he gave him some great advice. He said his life should be a movie. He said that he had great material and he was very comfortable on stage. Howard said Dave reminds him of Bob. He said it's his demeanor and his ability to open up. He said he feels that way about his life too. Dave said he does like pushing it but you don't want to piss off the crowd. He said you want them to think it's wild but not too wild. He said it's harder to do that these days though.
Dave told Howard about how he did Caroline's recently and the crowds were great. He mentioned he's going to be in Atlanta this weekend too. Howard gave him some plugs for some upcoming dates. You can find out more at DaveAttell.com, DavesOldPorn.com or Twitter @OldPorn.
Dave told Howard that he's doing shows with Artie and Amy Schumer too. He said Amy's TV show is coming out soon and she may have him play her uncle on the show. Howard said that would be great.
Dave said that he gives away some of his money to charity. He said that he gives some to Doctors without Borders and some others. He said he gave some to ASPCA. He said he would like to have a dog but he's on the road all the time. Dave said he knows that Howard's wife is into dogs. Howard said their dog died actually. Dave said he has the worst timing. Howard said they have four cats too.
Howard said Dave gives most of his money to Showtime and then to charity. Howard said that Sam Simon is another guy who is great with money. He said he retired at 32. Howard said Sam bought a circus after seeing that they weren't treating the animals right. Howard said he got the animals put in preserves and stuff. He said he's a good guy. Dave said Sam is a good guy but he's weird too. He said he's a really good card player. He said that they'll fly him in and he plays with other rich guys.
Howard asked Dave why he smokes. He asked if he thinks he looks cool. Dave said yeah. Howard said he does kind of look cool. Dave said you're not allowed to smoke on stage anymore. He said there are only a couple of guys who still do.
Howard asked Dave how many t-shirts he printed up. Dave said it was 45,000 but he was joking. Howard said he's trying to help here. Dave said he thinks it was like 2,000. He said that it's shirts, hats and booty shorts. Howard said he was looking at the merch on his web site and wondered who was buying it. Dave said he gives it to everyone who helps out with the show.
Dave told Howard about some of the people who come on his show that he likes. He said Joanna Angel was one. He said she's Jewish like him. Dave said he is becoming more Jewish so now is the time to hang out with those people. Howard said there's nothing wrong with that but there are Christian women who are fun to hang out with too.
Howard asked Dave when he last got laid. Dave said it was like a year ago. He said ever since then it's been straight up porn. Howard asked if that's not a big deal to him. Dave said it's not. He said he's in the porn world and he's beating off to that. Howard asked how many times a day he's doing that. Dave said he was doing it like 2 or 3 times a day but now it's like 1 1/2. Howard said he was watching porn the other day. He said he watched two teenage hitchhikers fucking a guy in public. Howard said he sees a lot of ''teen'' stuff but none of them are teens. He said they look 40. Howard said he likes Babysitter porn but he would never want to fuck a babysitter. Dave said he likes the hairy porn. He said Adrianne Curry came on the show and she was very good. He said she's really tall. Howard asked why he didn't try to fuck her. Dave said she probably has a cool dude boyfriend. Dave said she was great on the show. Dave said she loves porn and loves Howard. Howard asked if Dave ever goes out with the girls who are on the show. Dave said they all have boyfriends.
Howard told Dave he uses his iPad to jerk off. He said he goes on YouPorn. Dave said he doesn't have money for an iPad. Howard asked what kind of money he makes at Caroline's. Dave said he didn't hit the bonus so he didn't get a lot.
Howard told Dave the iPad is the best thing ever. Dave said he thinks it's kind of fruity. He said that he's the kind of guy who brings it out in First Class. Howard told him to stop with the first class stuff. Howard told Dave how he puts his iPad down and gets some tissue to blow his load in. He said he leaks after he's done so he has a tissue to put in his underpants. He said he waits to pee until after so he can pee out the mess.
Howard said he was watching porn and he lost interest in the middle of it. He said he just stopped. He said he'd rather just be with his wife. Dave said he does have an amazing set up over there.
Dave said he had Andy Dick on the show and he was asking for gay retro porn. Dave said he's not sure that the network would be okay with that. Howard talked about how good he was to Andy and how shitty Andy was to him. Dave and Howard talked about the gay porn thing and Howard said he had to sit through some at a film festival once. He said this was in an auditorium back when he was in college.
Dave said that he did give a taste of the gay porn on his show. He said he might show more of it if Showtime lets him do that in another season. Dave asked if he'd be okay with that. Howard said he's fine with it.
Howard wanted to give Dave some more plugs. He said he's worried about him not wanting to be with a woman. Dave said he's with God now. Howard said he keeps making jokes but he's really worried. Howard gave him some plugs for his upcoming gigs and his web site and all of that.
Howard said that Dave looks good. He asked if he's working out now. Dave said he did start working out. Howard said Jimmy Kimmel is working out now too. He said he claims he's only working out 3 minutes a day.
Howard introduced Jimmy to Big Foot Jr. He wasn't sure if he was awake over there. Dave asked what kind of porn he likes. Big Foot said he was getting his cock out now. Dave said he was thinking about animals that shouldn't be friends. He said a monkey and an owl don't belong together. Howard said he has a picture of an elephant and a turtle that became friends. They became friends after a tsunami. They mentioned a couple of other pet couples like that. Howard talked about the cats they have and how Walter loves to lay on him and roll around. He said the cat gets really excited when he sees him.
Howard gave Dave some more plugs and said he thinks that 2013 is his year. Dave said he thinks that it's going to be Doug Stanhope's year. Howard said he loves Doug. Dave asked if he would hook up with Doug and Bingo. Howard said he does like Bingo. Dave said she might be a little ''whoo hoo'' but she can sell some merch. Howard said if it's Doug Stanhope's year this year then 2019 will be Dave's year. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said this is a good song. He sang along and got the lyrics wrong. He said he doesn't know any of the lyrics. He had Big Foot Jr. sing. He mumbled along with the song. Big Foot Jr. said he's like Natalie.
Howard said they had a big show today. He said Robin isn't there today. Big Foot said he wanted to tell her he wanted to fuck her Gangnam Style. Howard said they'll have to carry on without her.
Howard said he's really enjoying 2013 now. He said they're only 4 days into it. Howard said Wendy the Retard hasn't asked for any money yet. He said Tim hasn't shit on any walls. He said no one had leprosy or anything either. Howard said that no one has asked him to write a foreword for their book either.
Big Foot said Jon Hein looks like a big, fat lesbian. Howard and Gary laughed. Big Foot said he would like to give him his 81st blow job.
Gary asked Howard if he thinks that he let Tim off the hook with the shitting thing. Howard said Tim is hard to talk to. He said he kind of shuts down. Jon said he says it was good for the show too. Howard said that whole shit gate thing was disgusting.
Howard read about Lindsay Lohan getting paid $100,000 to go to a party on New Year's Eve. Howard said it was some dude from Brunei. He wondered how he has the money to do that. He said he probably could have paid her with a box of cigarettes and a bottle of booze. Howard said he's not sure what these guys do in Brunei. Gary said he knows the Sultan of Brunei has all the money. Howard said he'd like to know how that works. Fred looked it up on the web since he didn't know. Jason came in and said it's oil money and the Sultan has most of the money. Howard asked why they don't rise up and take him out. Howard said he would give the people a couple billion to keep them happy. Howard said that he doesn't understand why he'd give Lindsay that money.
Howard read about how Kathy Griffin won't apologize for what she did on New Year's Eve on CNN. Howard said they keep having her back even though she does something like that every year.
Howard said here was a New Year's Eve show on an independent channel that they put on in a few markets around the country. Howard said this wasn't a bad public access channel or anything. It was a major channel in Los Angeles. Howard said it might be like channel 11 in New York. Howard said they did this New Year show and it was put together by Jamie Kennedy. Howard wasn't sure who that was. JD tried to explain who he was. Howard said they had technical difficulties and it was so bad that he'd want to watch it. Howard played some of the audio of the show and they didn't even know if they were on the air. He said it's like Eric the Actor's show. In the clip they had this guy doing a bit but it was the worst thing. Howard said he's not sure how they got this on TV. Howard played another clip where they were live on the air and they ended up cursing. It sounded like the guy had no idea he was on the air.
Howard played another clip where they had a woman talking about how to insulate their homes in the winter. JD said he had no idea what was going on. Howard said the woman wasn't able to speak. He said if you're going to do a commercial then get someone who can speak. Howard played another clip where they went live and the host was saying he wanted to be more healthy. That led to them doing another live commercial. That woman had a heavy Indian accent as well. Howard said this wasn't a depressing New Year's Eve at all.
Howard took a call from a guy who corrected Jason on his statements about Brunei. He said that he was wrong about that. Jason came in and argued with the guy for a few seconds.
Howard said he really got traction with that Linda Stasi article yesterday. Howard said it was a nice article other than the part where she said he was ugly. JD said there were a lot of back handed comments in that article. Howard said that they were covering the article in the news yesterday. He said that Larry King was never that good but tons of people would go on his show.
Howard said everyone was commenting on this article last night. He played a clip from an entertainment show where they had Linda Stasi on the show talking about the article. She was saying that she doesn't expect any senators to go on the show if he took over. Gary said they've had tons of senators on the show over the years. He said they like the show. Linda was also saying that Howard was horrible on America's Got Talent at first but he got better as the show went along.
Howard said they were covering this story all over the place. He said JD sent him a bunch of clips last night. Howard said that he's complimented by that whole thing.
Howard said that he had a question about TV for Jon Hein but now he can't remember what it is. He said he might have it in his notes. Howard said he's super organized but he can't find it. He said he writes emails to Jason all day and he prints it out. Howard said that's his method. Howard said he thought he sent him like 10 notes. Jason said he got like 2. He said one of them had two notes but nothing about Jon. Howard said that's weird.
Howard said this New Year's show was phenomenal. He said they go to count down and they don't have a clock. Howard played that clip and they said they had like 3 minutes left for the count down. Howard said this is Dick Clark's worst nightmare. He said it's like the Anti-Dick Clark. Howard said he can't say he hates it though. Jon said it's so bad it's good. Howard said someone had to have been fired after that. He said they were letting the word ''fuck'' fly. Howard said that shitty channels can't fight the FCC fines. In the clip they were wondering where their clock was. They were yelling asking where it was.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Natalie's performance was amazing. He said Fred was great too. Howard said it sounded great to him too. The caller said that he couldn't understand why Howard didn't get how she related the song to Howard's relationship with his mom. Howard said he got it but she didn't explain it very well. Howard said that song speaks to him too. He said his mother's voice is in his head all the time. He said he doesn't trust his own judgment. He said he's gotten better with that but it's still in there.
Howard said he thinks Natalie is great on radio. He said she would be a good judge on America's Got Talent. He said he still doesn't know who it's going to be. He said he hears names but they're still not set. Big Foot Jr. said he should be in there. He said he'd tell people ''Suck my dick, asshole.'' He said he'd make people cry.
Howard said he should take some phone calls but not yet. Howard said he relates to that song ''Mother.'' He played the Pink Floyd version and had some clips of his mother in there.
Howard said that Al Jazeera is buying time on Current TV. Howard said that's Al Gore's TV network. Howard said a lot of the cable companies are saying they won't carry the show. Gary said Al Gore is supposed to get $100 million out of that deal. Jon said they want to prove that they're a legitimate news outlet. Howard said he heard about a show called ''Dancing With the Filthy Jews'' that he wanted to see.
Howard said the FOX News channel has a show that replaced the Glenn Beck show and they have this super hot chick on the show. He said she doesn't say much but she's good to look at. JD said that's Kimberly Guilfoyle. He said he likes when they do a wide shot and show her rocking her knee over her other leg. Howard and JD talked about some of the other people on the show and how there's one guy who is super liberal but he can never argue his point. Howard said his name is Bob Beckel. Howard said he will once in a while try to say something but he looks like he didn't have any sleep. Howard read a live commercial and then went to break.
Howard said he was trying to do some news but he can't do it like Robin does. Howard said he was reading about the Kim Kardashian thing. Howard said the whole thing stinks on ice. Howard said he read that she stands to make $4.6 million because of this pregnancy. Howard said he should fuck Robin and do something like that.
Howard said he's not sure what else is in the news. He said it feels weird to work on a Friday. He said it's been a long time. Howard said he only gets a 2 day weekend. He said that's not his speed anymore.
Howard said he was reading about movie mistakes and they found 63 errors in Men in Black 3. Howard said they had that on MovieMistakes.com. Howard said Sal's wedding video was one big mistake from start to finish. He said he'd love to see that tape. It could be a good bit.
Howard said Dave Letterman and Oprah Winfrey got together. He said he can't stand that. Howard said Dave should be in there talking to him about that shit. He said it bums him out that Oprah is the one getting that. Gary said that he hasn't called to get Dave on. Howard said they call him constantly to do the show. Gary said the time he did the show Howard complained about Dave not doing the show. He came on and did it but he was bitter about it. He said he may never do the show again. Howard said he's talking to Oprah about that shit he doesn't want to talk about.
Jon said that Dave does open up from what he's seen. He said that he would rather hear it there on Howard's show though. Gary said he heard Dave on a podcast with Alec Baldwin too. He said no one is going to hear that. He said he should be on this show. Howard said he should be. Howard said he knows he's an odd guy himself. He said maybe Dave doesn't want to be badgered to be on. Gary said he used to badger him to be on the birthday shows. Howard said Jay used to come on the birthday shows all the time. Howard said they call and ask him to do Dave's show at least 4-5 times a year. He said it might be more than that.
Howard said that he could argue that he has more listeners than Dave has viewers. Howard said it's supposed to be 60 percent of the 23 million subscribers. Howard said they'd have to do math to figure that out. Howard tried doing the math and came up with 50 percent and then added 10 percent to that. Gary gave him a short cut but Howard said he felt his way was more authentic.
Howard said that they have more listeners on a bad day than Dave does. Howard said he thinks they have about 3 million watching Dave's show. Jon said he thinks it's more like 2 million. Howard said that Bradley Cooper comes in there instead of going on The View because he gets more notice there. Howard said he saw that he broke up with Zoe Saldana again. Howard said that what's sad is that he's the only guy good looking enough to deserve to fuck her. Howard said she's so good looking that he's the only guy in her league. Howard said he's had some women ask him to introduce them to Brad. Howard said they have to get a reality check. Howard said there are super models who want to blow him at any second. Howard said they're sitting home thinking Bradley will love them.
Howard said there are other news stories but no one wants to hear him do them. Howard said he'll take some calls and get out of there.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said Beth tweeted out a sexy photo of herself. Howard said he took that photo. Gary said Bobo always brings up stuff Howard knows. Howard said he already knows that. The Howard TV guys showed the photo. Howard said the lighting was great. He said he could shoot for Playboy. He said he has a home studio and that's really good lighting. Howard said he's proud of the way he lit her in that shot. Howard said that took over two hours to set up. He said he had to build the whole set. Howard said he has these great lights he uses. He said he had to get the right angles and all of that.
Bobo asked when he gets it on with her after that. Howard said he got her that night. Howard said he got a boner from the picture. He said his teacher told him that must mean it's a really good picture. Howard said he's totally focused on her when he does that. He said he did a couple of other shots after that one. He said he has his friend Mike stand in for her once in a while and it's really weird to do that.
Bobo asked how he did in the email. Howard was going to read it but he had to lower Bobo's audio. His microphone was echoing. Howard read some of the feedback they got about the End of the World thing they did with Bobo. That's up on Howard TV now according to Doug Goodstein. They had some good feedback for Sal and for how funny the bit was. Howard said Bobo got some good feedback too. Howard said whatever good Bobo did there was ruined by bringing up that photo today.
Fred played Iron Butterfly's ''In A Gadda Da Vida'' for the guy. He didn't seem to care about that either. The guy said that he knows Tess turned 10 and he wondered if he talked to her about the Newtown tragedy. Big Foot Jr. said this was creepier than the Bobo call. Howard asked if he even has a job. The guy said he doesn't have a job. Howard asked when he last had a job. The guy said he has no idea. Gary asked where he gets the money for weed. The guy said he gets it from the government. He said he's bipolar so he gets money from the government. Big Foot said he can relate to this guy.
Howard said this guy might be Wack Pack material. The guy said he gets about $600 a month from the government. Howard said that doesn't sound so awful. He gets free housing and food stamps. Howard said maybe we do take care of our mentally ill. He said maybe it's too good. The caller said that he has to keep going through the system and he knows how to do it now. Howard asked if he owns any assault weapons. The guy said he's anti-gun. Howard did an impression of the guy and said he can't really do it. Gary said he could be a wack packer because he's got an affliction and he's on SSI. Howard asked if he wanted to be a rock star or something. The guy said he did but then said he was just kidding.
Jon asked if he ever had a job. Gary asked how old he is. He's 30 and he said he never had a job. Howard said he's probably 38. The guy said he's actually 35. Howard said he must live on his own. The guy said he does. Howard asked if his parents are disgusted with him. He said no. He said he's been away from them for 15 years. The guy said he gets laid but the girls are fat chicks. Howard asked how fat the fattest chick was. The guy said she was 2 bills. Gary said that's not 3. Howard said that's up there in High Pitch Eric territory. Howard asked if he can fuck right through the folds of fat. The caller said he can. Big Foot Jr. said ''There's a cunt in there somewhere... it is.'' Howard said these chicks must weigh more like 260. The caller said ''give or take.'' Howard asked if he meets them in bars. He said he does. He said he just fucks them once and never sees them again. Through all of this Fred left ''In A Gadda Da Vida'' playing. They got to the drum solo and Howard had Fred turn it up. Howard said he thinks he could do this drum solo. Fred said this song was done in one take. Howard and the guys were talking about how the band got signed and how this song was put out. Howard said he listened to the other side of this album and it was awful.
Gary said that Stuttering John's band played for some big acts and they opened for Iron Butterfly. Gary said Howard told John to go out and open up with the 18 minute version of ''In A Gadda Da Vida.'' That way the band would have nothing to play after they were done. Howard said that's pretty funny.
Howard asked the caller, Dave, what he was going to do today. Dave said he's going to watch The Price is Right in a half hour. Howard said people seem to like Drew Carey on that show. Howard said he knew Drew was full of shit when he said he was done with TV after his sitcom. Gary said you never hear anything about him fucking porn stars anymore. Howard said that they probably sat him down and told him he can't bang porn stars anymore. Howard said he would love that job. Jon said Drew loves it. Gary said he's good at it too. Howard said Drew used to come in there all the time. Howard said he thinks that they stopped him from coming in. Howard wondered if he's banging anyone anymore. Gary said he never sees him anywhere in interviews.
Howard said he thinks that Jason is regretting giving up smoking. Gary said he really is. He said he would have liked to have put up a better argument. Jason said he's not excited about this at all. He said he agreed to do it and he has to or he'll feel like a failure. Howard said he can't stop. He knows that he will smoke. Jason said he can depend on him telling the truth. He said he will think about keeping a weed journal on Moldred.
Gary asked if he can drink at all when they're in Vegas. Howard said he can't drink or smoke weed for a month. He can go back to it in a month. Jason said he will do it and he'll try it for a month. He said he hasn't done that since 2002. He said he may have started smoking in 2002 or so. He said he was without it for a week when he was on vacation a few years ago.
Howard got back to Dave and asked about the fat chicks. Howard said that he's kind of self medicated. Howard asked if he closes his eyes when he bangs these chicks. The guy said some of them have good faces. He said he looks at their faces while he's banging them. Dave said there are a few out there that have nice faces. Howard asked about the smell. He said they must have trouble with their hygiene. Howard said he's sure Dave does too.
Howard asked if he's ever gone down on a woman and seen remnants of toilet paper and stuff. Dave said no and laughed. Howard said he thinks he's going to end the show now. He let Dave go. Big Foot Jr. said he'd see him later. Howard said he thinks they've gone on long enough. He ended the show around 10:35am.
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Jon said he and Gary were sitting in for Robin today. Jon said he wants to hear Howard and they're not there to be funny. They're there to spark the conversation. Jon said he wasn't able to see Gary. Gary said he had direct sight to Howard and he didn't want Howard seeing him looking at him so he wasn't looking. Jon said that Big Foot Jr. was very funny today too.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Natalie Maines and about Dave Attell. He said that Gary went in there swinging today. He said that he thought Natalie didn't like him. Gary said Natalie is pretty outspoken. He said that she seemed genuinely surprised when he said that. He said that she looked at him and looked surprised that he thought she didn't like him.
Jon asked about what Natalie had to say about Lisa G. Gary said she was right about that. Jon wondered if Lisa thinks she's not fun. Gary said she's not a good sport for the show and he doesn't think Lisa thinks she's not fun. Gary said he doesn't think she's fun for him. He said that he likes her and they'd have an interesting time at dinner but maybe not have fun together.
Jon asked Gary about some of the other things Natalie talked about like wearing the jacket for the pictures. Gary said he just didn't want to wear the jacket.
Jon also brought up the song Fred and Natalie did. Gary said it was a little fast but she has a great voice. Jon said she does sound great no matter what you think of her.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he was hoping that Howard would get to what Natalie said out in the hall about Lisa. Gary said he heard that Lisa was asking what wasn't fun about her and Natalie told her.
Will Murray came in and said he heard Lisa asking Natalie about that fun comment. Gary said that Natalie brought up the Back Office Radio show and how she's always trying to get it taken off the air and Natalie told her she should just take it like everyone else does. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon said that Jason's smoking came up today and Howard got him to agree to stop smoking. Gary asked if Jason thinks that he is put in a bad light as a boss because of his smoking. Jason said most people he knows smoke pot so no. He said that Tim has asked him not to talk about it on the air but he thinks that the stigma is gone. Jason said he enjoys smoking and it doesn't slow him down. He said he thinks he's one of the more motivated people there.
Jon said that Jason's drinking is gone too. Jason said that Howard told him not to replace it but he didn't know that it was supposed to last the full month with the smoking. Jason said he will see how it goes but he's nervous about this weekend. He said if it was Monday it would be fine.
Will said that Howard thinks there are people who can't handle smoking weed and it's not a fair characterization. He said there are a lot of people who can handle it. Jon said that it's the same with drinking and he's able to have a drink once in a while with no problems. Gary asked how many drinks half a blunt would be. Teddy said it might be like a six pack. He said blunts are twice the strength so it's hard to compare.
The guys talked about Robin drinking wine and how she likes to do that. Jon asked if Howard is no fun now that he's not drinking. Gary said he never really sees him drinking. Will said he thinks you can have fun not drinking. He said Howard just isn't into that anymore.
Jason said he didn't take this as a knock against pot smokers. He said he thinks that Howard doesn't have anything against it. Will said he saw it as something of a stumbling block for him as a future management guy. Jason said that if he thinks that smoking pot isn't management material then he should start knocking out some of the management there. Gary said that's not him. Gary said Jason gave him something a year ago for Christmas. He said he gave him something that was maybe 5 inches long and now it's 4 1/2 inches long. Jason said he'd love to line up the management there and see who smokes there. He mentioned Tim, Scott and Ross as a few people he'd like to line up there.
Jason also brought up what Lisa and Natalie were talking about when they brought up the Back Office Radio thing. He said he thinks Natalie is great.
Jason said he isn't going to give up smoking pot for the rest of his life. He said he's not quitting to move forward with his life. Jason said that he will float his weed guy some cash if he has to. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.