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Howard started off the show talking about how many business cards he finds in the pockets of his clothes and stuff. He said guys just come up to him and hand him their cards as he's walking by. Howard said he doesn't know what they expect him to do with them though.
Howard asked Artie if he watched a lot of football over the weekend. Artie said he was working most of the weekend so he didn't see all of the games. He said he caught some of the Jets game and then caught a lot of the late games after that. He said he could watch football for ten hours at a time if he could. Robin said she doesn't understand how someone could get the DirecTV football package where you get every single game. Artie and Howard said that guys just need that stuff and that's who's paying for that stuff. Artie said the only reason guys really need that is to bet on every game. Howard quickly went through the big BetOnSports.com $25,000 football pool they have going on. He said that Artie, Gary the Retard and Sanders the Chicken all won their bets this weekend. Daniel Carver of the KKK lost one. Here's how everyone stands at this point:
Howard said that Beth went off to a wedding over the weekend so he was stuck taking care of his dog Bianca. He said when he goes out to walk the dog it's like he's doing a personal appearance or something out there. He said everyone has comments and guys are handing him business cards. He also ran into an old friend who hadn't seen him in a long time. The guy asked him why he was running from him so Howard had to tell him that the dog was in the middle of the street and he wanted to get her out of there. Artie told him he must really like that dog because he'd probably hire someone to walk it for him if he had that many people running into him.
Howard brought up ''Sex and the City'' which was on last night. He and Robin talked about how creepy Mikail Barishnikov was on last night's episode. They spent a minute on that subject before moving on to other stuff.
Howard said he went to a surprise party for Judith Regan one night over the weekend. He reminded everyone that Judith was the publisher of his book so that's why he was invited to this surprise party. He said they were just serving cocktails and desert and he thought that was kind of bizarre. He said he'd have to eat dinner before going to the party. Then he later found out they switched the party to the restaurant Jean Luke so he figured he'd be able to get some food there. Howard was in the middle of this discussion when he started to flip out over the temperature in the studio. He got pissed that it was so hot in there. He said it was so hot that it made him want to go take a nap. He pretty much blamed Tom Chiusano for the problem. He said it's like working in his closet or something. He said the only reason he doesn't walk out is because he cares about his audience... and the fat paycheck they give him. He took a break a short time later before finishing the Judith Regan story.
Howard said the biggest story last week was this guy who flew himself in a box because it proves that there's no Homeland Security and no one cares. Robin said that terrorists can get into Canada no problem and then get into the United States from there pretty easy. Howard took some phone calls and spoke to some people about this stuff. One guy called in and said that the Iraq war was all a ploy for President Bush to make his friends a lot of money. Howard and Artie said that's a pretty far stretch.
Another caller told Howard that he's a little out of line with his discussions. Howard and the guy argued a little bit about whether or not the economy was being affected by the war. The caller said he's been out of work for over 8 months now and it's all got to do with this war we're fighting.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that President Bush can speak publicly when he's not under a lot of pressure. Howard said he seems to be like a deer in the headlights when he has to make a speech to the American public on camera for some reason.
A listener called in to give Howard the news that John Ritter died. Howard pretended that he didn't know that he'd died. He said he hopes that Johnny Cash is okay. Howard told the guy he knew about Ritter's death already. They talked about that on Friday. The guy was the same guy who called in recently and said that Ashton Kutcher was going to play Batman in the next movie. He was wrong so he told Howard who the next one was going to be. Howard got off the phone with him a short time later.
Journalist Debbie Schlussel (DebbieSchlussel.com) called in and started rambling on and on about the war on terror. As she was rambling Fred was playing a snoring sound effect in the background. Howard let her go for a minute or so before thanking her for calling in. She continued to ramble so the snoring got louder and louder. He gave her a plug for her web site and said that he's going to get a letter from her when she finds out they were playing the snoring sounds behind her.
A phone caller told Howard that he's like the modern day Hitler when he talks about how we have to bomb these other countries like he's talking. The guy had a British accent so Howard told him he sounded kind of gay. He told the guy that the difference between him and Hitler was the fact that he'd let him live unlike Hitler.
Howard changed subjects and said that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have apparently broken up. Howard said Ben went his way and went out to Las Vegas and Jennifer went somewhere and got right into a bikini somewhere. They were supposed to have gotten married on Sunday but they split up instead. Robin thinks that Jennifer might get married sooner than they think because she seems to do that when she's on the rebound from a guy. A phone caller later said Ben and Jen's whole relationship was all fake and it was just for ratings... just like Howard's divorce. Howard said that could be true.
Howard played an audio clip he had of David Letterman announcing the fact that he's going to be a father. Robin said it was like Letterman trying to be human and it was pretty scary. They spent a short time on that and then Robin brought up the fact that they had the Charles Bronson will reading recently and everyone walked out upset. She said the last wife was upset because all she got was a house and a million bucks. The guy was worth $50 million. Then the kids got different amounts so it showed that he showed a preference for some and not others. He didn't leave them a lump sum either so he's almost controlling the money from the grave. Howard and Robin talked about that for a short time before going to commercial break.
Howard read that Booker isn't liked by his girlfriend's mother who is also Jennifer Lopez's mother. She apparently didn't want him at Jen and Ben's wedding. Howard had the article so he read through some of that.
Howard took a call from this guy Raymond Norman who has sent in the ''Oprah Winfrey, Negro woman of the south'' tapes in the past. He called in to say that he's told Howard in the past that if Jen and Ben got married that it would be a fluke. He went on and on about that for a short time. Howard also pointed out that Raymond is a guy who has breast implants while he was talking to him. Raymond also said that their next movie ''Jersey Girl'' is also going to be a fluke just like ''Gigli'' was.
Howard took a call from a woman who told Howard that it was absolutely true that John Ritter died last week. She obviously didn't get that Howard was joking around about not knowing that the guy had passed away. The woman told Howard to have his guys check into it because it was really true. Howard joked that the next thing she was going to tell him was that Johnny Cash and Charles Bronson died. She said she didn't know anything about either of them though. The woman said it was all over E! this past weekend so she can't believe that Howard didn't know about it. A guy called in a short time later and said that Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin also died. Howard continued to goof on the woman calling in and pretended not to know.
After getting off the phone with that woman Howard said that he feels sad for John Ritter's family but who knows if he was even a good guy. He said he hated to say it but people are getting a little too carried away with the tributes and stuff that people are doing for Ritter. Robin said that they were interviewing anyone and everyone who ever met Ritter over the weekend. Another caller told Howard that Johnny Cash had also passed away. Howard still played dumb and pretended that he didn't know about the deaths. After getting the call Howard wondered if these people are on acid or something.
Howard said that John Ritter was in a lot of bad TV shows and he still doesn't know why people are so upset. Then he played a clip of Jimmy Kimmel breaking down and almost crying when he talked about John Ritter dying. Kimmel even knew that Howard was going to play the clip and goof on him about it because he said so during his break down. Robin said she thought he was on a show called ''The Man Show'' before he got his own talk show. Now he's breaking down and crying while talking about John Ritter of all people. Howard went on to talk about how the reason people were watching ''Three's Company'' was for Suzanne Somers and his new show was being watched for the hot daughter. That led to Howard talking about Suzanne Somers and how she fought with Ritter for years and now she's coming out talking about him like they were friends. He said she should be ashamed of herself.
Yet another woman called in and told Howard that it was true that Johnny Cash and John Ritter were dead. Howard goofed on her said that he'd like to interview her about working for him because she's so smart. He said he'd like to meet her at the World Trade Center later on in the day.
Howard said that Amy claims to have banged John Stamos a long time ago. She said she had a one night stand with him about 9 years ago and he probably wouldn't remember her. She claims that John wasn't the hottest guy she ever had. She said her current boyfriend is hotter than John. Amy told Howard how she hooked up with John and how he played the piano for her back then. She said she ended up going back to his room and started making out. She said they had sex but it wasn't all that great. She said she thinks he was just trashed at the time and he didn't do all that great.
Howard asked Amy if she'd ever done women in her life. She said she wasn't into that stuff. Howard said that he heard that her father dressed her for the show this morning as well. She was wearing some sexy clothes so Howard said he wished more fathers dressed their daughters like that.
Howard read that Amy had turned down people like Dennis Rodman and boxer Tommy Morrison. She told Howard how she went to a party Tommy invited her to and how she came close to doing something stupid with him. He had HIV at the time so she could have made the biggest mistake of her life if she'd slept with him.
Howard read that Amy had appeared in Playboy last year so he talked to her about that as well. He went through some other stuff that was in her bio and saw that she'd dated a black guy when she was high school. He then started to wrap up the segment and gave her a plug for the fight she'll be announcing. She's going to be at the James Tony vs. Evander Holyfield fight in Las Vegas at the Vandelay Bay casino.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Amy but one guy called in and said that Gary was plastered on Saturday night at the new Scores in Chicago. Gary came in a minute later and said that he wasn't drunk that night. Howard also heard that Erica the Gymnast is dancing for them out there now. He said that Erica wants to come back on the show now because her boobs go in two different directions and she wants to get them fixed. Gary said that he didn't even recognize her at the time and she was all over the place while she was talking to him.
The guys asked Amy to show them her boobs but she didn't want to do that. She said that her father might get upset if she did that. She said he wasn't upset with her doing Playboy but he might get upset if she stripped for Howard. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later and took a break.
Howard got back to the story he was telling earlier about the Judith Regan surprise party. He talked about going to Jean Luke to eat and how Dominic Barbara showed up there for some reason. He said he must have heard that he was going to she decided to show up as well. Howard said Dominic is weird because he seems to follow him everywhere he goes. Howard said Dominic has lost 50 pounds so far but he still looks fat to him. He also said he looks worn out from the stomach operation he had. Dominic ate a salad at the restaurant and that filled him up to the point that he couldn't eat another bite. Howard said he kind of felt bad for Dominic because he couldn't eat anymore. After dinner he went home and watched some X-Men cartoons. Sunday morning he woke up around 5 in the morning after only about 5 hours of sleep. He figured he could pleasure himself and get some more sleep. He said that always puts him to sleep. Howard said that's the way kids are trained to get some sleep. He said they beat off real quick before bed so their parents don't hear it. That's why guys tend to pass out after having sex. Howard said he was beating off under his blankets but then realized that he was home alone so he whipped the blanket off and grabbed some tissues to finish off in. He said he was done in about ten seconds. He said he was thinking about sex he's had with other women when he was doing it.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked Howard how he could say that he didn't look good and that he looked like a whale. Howard spent a short tim talking to Dominic about how little he eats. Dominic also said that he was invited to that party and he didn't just follow Howard there. Howard seems to think he was lying about that though and he had followed him.
Howard spent a little more time talking about John Ritter's death. He replayed the clip of Jimmy Kimmel breaking down and almost crying when he talked about Ritter's death. Howard said they have to get Jimmy on the show to talk about Ritter. He said they should try to make him cry again.
Howard played tape of Pam Anderson on The Tonight Show. She kind of made it sound like she's single again but you can't really tell. She also said that she's got her own radio show starting which Howard didn't think was a great idea. No one wants to hear her talk, they want to see her.
A listener called in and told Howard the reason people are so upset about John Ritter dying is because he was a really nice guy. Howard said that shouldn't be a surprise though and people are carrying on like they just lost a great actor like Robert De Niro or something.
Howard said they have to get DJ Chris Booker on the show to talk to him about being fired from Blink 102.7. Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in a short time later and said he was also fired because he was working for them as well. Howard said Lizzie Grubman must be out of a job as well and that's a good thing. Chaunce told Howard that they fired almost everyone from the station. The only person left was one black woman. Howard and Chaunce spent a short time talking about the business and how crazy it is. Howard said it's really not surprising though.
Chris Booker was on the phone to talk about his firing. Howard pointed out how so many of those people at the station had quit jobs before going to the new station and then they get fired a short time later. Booker said he had a contract so he will be paid for the next 7 months. He said that's a good thing. Howard changed subjects and asked Booker how his girlfriend's mother hates him. Booker said he didn't know she did hate him so he told Linda, who was standing near him, that her mother hates him. Howard told Booker he got the info from The Globe tabloid. Howard had Booker put Linda on the phone to swear to Jesus Christ that her mother doesn't hate Booker. She swore and said it was completely false. Linda said that her mother always tells her how lucky she is to have Booker. Howard asked Linda how she can be so normal while her sister is so wacky. Linda doesn't think her sister is wacky so she defended her. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Linda about her sister Jennifer and how she just canceled her wedding. Howard also asked Linda if she'd ever talk to Ben again. She said she would talk to him and doesn't have a problem with him. Howard and the guys spent a short time talking to Linda before getting Booker back on the line. Howard spent a little more time with Booker before getting off the phone. He brought in Tabitha Stevens right after that.
Tabitha said that she's now a rock star and has started singing for a band. They only do cover songs at this point though. Robin asked her what she's been doing to look so good. She said that she's been loading her head up with Botox.
The judges made their way in a little while later. Actress Cerina Vincent from the movie ''Cabin Fever'' was in as well as Jeff ''The Drunk'' Curro and an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator. Howard spent a little time talking to ''Arnold'' about his run for governor and then spoke to Jeff the Drunk quickly and then spoke to Cerina for a little while. Gary came in a short time later and said that one of the interns recognized Cerina from the movie ''Not Another Teen Movie.'' She also said that she was in ''Son of the Beach'' a couple of times. Howard wasn't even aware of that.
Howard explained to the judges what was going to happen and how they were going to do the contest. He then took a break before getting to the contestants.
After the break, around 9:10am, Howard got back to the game. He said that Tabitha hasn't done a porn movie in over 2 years now. She asked Howard if he thinks she should go for it and make more. Howard told her to go for it because that's what her big talent is. He then moved on to introduce the judges again. He said that Cerina Vincent was hitting on KC during the break. He talked to her about ''Cabin Fever'' and how she gets naked in it (see her naked at MrSkin.com). Howard also spoke to ''Arnold'' a little more about his run for governor. ''Arnold'' said he'd make sure that Tabitha would do a porn movie once a week if he gets elected governor. He joked around with him a little bit and then brought in the first contestant.
The first contestant was calling himself ''Howie Dewitt'' and that he was going to eat a McDonald's McGriddle sandwich out of High Pitch Erik's ass. Erik bailed out on them and didn't show up because he had to work today. Jeff the Drunk was going to fill in for him instead. Howard had Jeff get down on the floor so they could put the McGriddle sandwich in his ass crack for Howie to eat. KC said he thought something might be wrong back there but Jeff said there was nothing wrong. The delay button was getting hit a few times during this segment for some reason. At one point Howard told Tabitha he would handle all of the explicit stuff.
The guys said there was something going on in Jeff the Drunk's pants and he may have had an accident. The guys and Tabitha said they could smell it back there. Jeff ended up cursing at them as they were goofing on him. Tabitha went over to take a look and held her nose as she went over to him. There was mayhem in the studio as Howie said he didn't want to eat more than one bite of the McGriddle since Jeff was such a mess. Tabitha said it was brown back there in Jeff's pants. Jeff was cursing up a storm so Howard had to kick him out of the studio. Howard told him he was going to let Howie stay in because he was willing to eat the thing even though Jeff was a complete mess. Howard had to kick a bunch of guys out of the studio because they were all cursing.
Howard had to give a quick wrap up about what had just happened. He was hitting the delay so much that he was running out and couldn't keep doing it. He said he'd lost control of the show. A short time later Jeff threw his beer at Ronnie the Limo Driver. KC said Tom Chiusano was running after him at that point. Howard tried to regain control of the show after that. Gary came in a short time later and said that Jeff the Drunk threw a full can of beer at their General Manager Tom Chiusano. Howard wasn't throwing him out of the station though. Tom came in and said that Jeff didn't throw the beer at him, he was just walking down the hall and saw Jeff spilling the beer in the hall so he grabbed it and it fell. He didn't have anything thrown at him at all.
Howard said their second contestant was willing to eat dog doody to win the ''date'' with Tabitha Stevens. The guy, Jay, came in and actually had his dog in the studio with him. The doody was from his Black Lab. Jay said this was the first time he's ever done something like this. The guy said he hasn't had sex in a year and a half. Howard said the guy isn't that bad looking so he doesn't know why he hasn't gotten laid. Jay pulled out the doody and got ready to eat it. He then disgusted everyone as he ate the doody. Artie said Benjy threw up when he saw the guy eating it. Howard said the guy deserves to win after doing that. Tabitha said she was impressed with what the guy just did.
Howard said the contest was a little too extreme for him. He took a call a few seconds later from a guy who said he threw up on his lap as he was driving after hearing the guy eating the doody. The guys were talking about Jeff's doody mess and what a nightmare that was. KC came in and said that Jeff was now claiming that it was blood in his underwear and not doody. Howard said they're going to air this whole mess on E! this Friday.
Howard brought in the third contestant, Jay, who was going to eat his friend Carlton's pubic hair. Howard had Carlton cut some pubes off his crotch area and put them on some white bread so Jay could eat it. Howard said that was a pretty extreme thing to do. Jay said he's never done anything like this before. He went ahead and ate the pubic hair sandwich and grossed everyone out. The guys said that Jay was just about ready to throw up as he ate the sandwich. He finished it up a short time later. Howard wondered how he was able to do it. Jay told Howard he drove down from Toronto just to do this. He said he doesn't have any trouble getting girls but this was a special thing for him to do.
Howard said they had to stop the first guy from eating that McGriddle out of Jeff's ass for health reasons. He told the guy that he was going to judge it as if he actually ate it since he was willing to try it. Howard explained what the other two contestants did and then had Cerina vote for the guy she thought should win. Cerina went through all of the guys and picked the dog doody guy as her pick for the winner. Next up was ''Arnold Schwarzenegger'' who also picked the dog doody eater as his winner. The guy who was going to eat the McGriddle was upset that he ''got cheated'' out of the win because Jeff wouldn't hold still long enough for him to eat the sandwich. Howard said he was going to give the two losers $500 each for coming in. The guys also asked to get a preview of what they missed. Tabitha let the guys come over to her and give her a hug. She let them touch her while she was naked as well. She let the dog doody eater come over to her also but told him not to breath on her.
Howard said that he was giving Jeff the Drunk $500 as well. Howie was upset with that because he got screwed in the contest so he figured he should win his money as well. Howard wrapped up the segment right after that and gave everyone plugs for their stuff. Tabitha had 3 sites to promote including TabithaStevens.com, Ten.com and TabithaStevensAndTheSuperSluts.com. Howard took a break right after that.
KC said that Jeff wanted to perform Johnny Cash's song ''I Walked the Line'' as a tribute to him. Howard played the music bed for Jeff and he performed the song Karaoke style. Howard let him sing for a minute or so before cutting him off. Jeff then told Howard to play ''Number 9 or number 13'' on the CD he had. Howard played one and Jeff started to sing some more songs. Howard cut him off again and Jeff dropped his beer on the studio floor. Howard told him to take care of that bloody ass of his because it might be an indicator of color cancer or something like that. Jeff said it wasn't coming out of his ''a-hole'' though.
After Jeff left Howard took a call from a guy who told him that Ozzy Osbourne and his wife Sharon had split up. Howard had to correct the guy and tell him that they split for a little while but they got back together again. Howard played the interview between Sharon and Barbara Walters that aired over the weekend to let the guy know what was really going on. The guy still didn't seem to get it but he said he didn't hear the whole thing so that's probably why he got it wrong. Howard told him he really has to listen to what people are saying.
A woman called in and said that she was a little disappointed in what Howard was saying about John Ritter not being a good actor. Howard said that the guy was probably a nice guy but he wasn't a great actor. Howard said that he was good as a sitcom actor but he wasn't a ''great'' actor. The woman said that Ritter was one of the best physical comedians so Howard told her to give the rest of her ''top 5'' physical comedians. She could only name Jerry Lewis and Lucille Ball though so Howard berated her a little bit before she got off the line. Howard went on to talk about how Jimmy Kimmel is out of his mind breaking down and crying over it. He also said that Suzanne Somers is also out of her mind acting like they were good friends. He played tape of her breaking down and crying when she called into ''The View.'' Howard went off on her for a short time and wondered where she was when John asked her to stay with ''Three's Company'' when she was trying to negotiate her contract. Suzanne claims that she and John just made up this year so most of his life she hadn't made up with him. Howard said that the phone call she made was her best performance ever. Howard and Artie goofed on the stupid comments that they were making in that phone call. Robin said it was a good thing John died on a weekend because there's nothing on TV then so they were able to have all of those tributes that they had. Howard and the guys also talked about how ''Three's Company'' was just a jiggle show and the big stars of the show were Suzanne Somers' breasts.
Howard brought up the fact that they had a fireworks display in Central Park last night. He said he was looking forward to it but when he heard the explosions he wondered what people were thinking when they heard them if they didn't know about it. He said it lasted only about 2 or 3 minutes though. He said his buddy Ralph called him to let him know what was going on. It was raining during the fireworks display so there was a lot of smoke lingering around after they went off. Robin read that there were a lot of people who were upset by the explosions because they thought they were being attacked again. Howard said if he knew it would have been that cool, he would have invited people over to watch but then he would have had people over who wouldn't leave.
Howard said that David Blaine is over in England doing one of his stunts and the English are throwing eggs at him and barbecueing under him to taunt him. Howard said he thinks that's pretty funny because they don't want him over there doing that.
Howard told Robin that he finally got the movies on demand feature working on his cable system and it's really cool. He and Robin talked about how you can pause and stop movies over your cable TV. There are porn movies available so he ordered ''Barely Legal 15'' and asked Beth if she wanted to watch it with him. Howard said the girls are ''way past legal'' though so you don't have to worry about them being too young. He said he had it all day and he could pause the video and come back to it whenever he wanted after ordering it.
The porn discussion led to Howard talking about how Tabitha Stevens was in yesterday and ended up having sex with the guy who ate dog doody on the air. Howard said he told Beth about it and she wondered what was in it for Tabitha. Howard said she got to be on the air, that's all that was in it for her. Howard said he heard the sex didn't last long and they'd be talking to Tabitha and the guy later in the show.
Howard said he got his girlfriend some Godiva chocolate the other day. He said he was in the store picking some out for her and saw that they had some of their Pumpkin Chocolate out for Halloween. He tried one of the candies and said it was really good but each piece was $2.50. He said his girlfriend can eat a ton of Godiva chocolate and he doesn't know how she does it. He said she doesn't eat a lot of food during the day but she can pack away a meal and a lot of chocolate. Howard said she walks everywhere she goes so that must be how she keeps the weight off.
Chaunce Hayden (ChuanceHayden.com) called in and said he saw Beth in his town one time taking public transportation. Howard said she has to get around somehow so that's why she took it. Chaunce moved on and asked Howard who orders the porn that's listed as ''hot'' when there are ''hotter and hottest'' on the list. Howard and the guys ended up talking about porn and what they like to watch. Howard said he has to see penetration when he watches porn. He said he doesn't like oral but he does like girl on girl stuff. They talked about stuff that they hate to see when they're watching porn as well. Howard said he hates when they cut to a guy's ass in a porn scene. Artie said that he had a Tabitha Stevens porn one time and they had this ''Grizzly Adams'' looking guy in it and they kept cutting to his face during the porn. He said they concentrated just a little too much. Howard said he doesn't like that stuff either. He said there's one shot in this ''Barely Legal 15'' movie where they show this guy's sack way too long. Gary got in on the conversation and told Howard about this porn he saw where two guys were banging a chick and their sacks were touching so he thought that was pretty gay.
Howard talked about how he likes to hear the real sounds of people having sex but in some of these movies they play music over them so loud that you can't hear anything. That's what they did in the ''Barely Legal'' movie he watched. Howard told Gary to get him some of Tabitha Stevens porn because he hasn't seen any of it yet. Gary said he'd do that for him but Howard thought he was going to get it, then ask him if he was sure he wanted it. He said Gary does that all the time and he just wants him to get it and give it to him without asking him if he's sure.
A phone caller told Howard he should stop talking about this stuff and stick to just banging his girlfriend. Howard told the guy that he was enjoying the technology of cable TV and how they were just checking it out when they ordered the porn. He ended up goofing on the guy a bit before hanging up on him.
A caller told Howard that the reason they have music in the porns is because when they play the movies in porn theaters, they need the music to help drown out the noise so people have some privacy when they're pleasuring themselves.
Chaunce Hayden told Howard that over in England they've started hanging cheeseburgers in front of David Blaine as he's hanging out in front of his dangling box. Howard said the next time Blaine does a stunt in New York City he's going to do more goofy stuff to him like they did when they sent Hank the Dwarf down to piss on his ice block a couple of years ago. Howard and the guys ended up talking about David Blaine's hot girlfriend for a couple of minutes. Artie said he followed her around the city for a few blocks one time until he ran across a pizza place and got sidetracked. The guys spent a couple of minutes on that subject before they had to take a commercial break.
Howard had a phone caller who said he can't watch porn with black guys in it because they're so well endowed. Howard said he doesn't like feeling inferior either and knows what the guy was talking about. Howard said it seems like they've been getting guys with regular sized wieners in porn lately and the porn actresses might be demanding it. Howard wondered if Artie likes black chicks in porn. Artie said he likes them but Howard said he seems to stick to white people in his porn. Artie told him they have Mexican porn as well. Howard said he might be able to get into that.
Howard said James Brown is coming in tomorrow so they'll have to ask him what kind of porn he likes. That led to Howard talking about the ''Snl: 25 Years of Music'' DVD that came out recently. He said he was watching some of the old bits they have on the DVD and how funny Eddie Murphy was doing James Brown in the hot tub bit. Howard said some of the bits just don't hold up over the years. Howard also talked about some of the old Cheech and Chong stuff and whether or not that stuff holds up. He said that he watched ''Caddyshack'' not too long ago and that didn't hold up well at all. He said that it sucked when he watched it again. Howard ended up playing an old Cheech and Chong bit ''Dave's Not Here'' that was still pretty funny to the guys. Howard said they might find it funny because they remember it from years ago when it was popular. Howard played a couple more tracks from their CD to see if it still held up. KC told Howard that the whole thing sucks. Howard said KC is an Adam Sandler fan so that's why he doesn't get Cheech and Chong.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered if Howard knew how much a lid of pot was. Howard thought back on it but he wasn't sure exactly how much it was. He thought it was 1/8th of an ounce at first but then he figured it was actually a full ounce. The guy on the phone said it was defined in a dictionary as being a full ounce but then another caller told Howard it was only 1/4 ounce because it used to be measured in a mayonnaise jar lid. That's where the name came from. After talking about that for a short time, Howard took another break.
9/9/03. Howard brought up this gay high school that has started in the city. A bunch of people were protesting the gay high school and a lot of them were from out of town. Will from the back office went out to the protest and asked some questions. A lot of people brought their kids down with them. Will interviewed one 8 year old kid who was brought down there by his parents. The kid said he was there protesting ''fags'' and he doesn't like them because ''they spit in the face of God.'' His parents were coaching him the whole time because he couldn't come up with answers for all of the questions. Howard said the kid will probably grow up completely angry and may be forced to date women even if he likes dudes. Robin said that kid is the reason they need that gay high school.
Howard told this woman, Shirley, that it sounds like they have their kids programmed to say all of this stuff they say. Shirley said her son knows what he's talking about and he understands why it's wrong. Howard asked the woman if she knows of any homosexuals in her family. She quickly said ''no'' and that it would mean that someone is spitting in the face of god. She rambled on and on about what they're doing and why it's wrong. Howard told her to just let these people go on with their lives and let them deal with God when the time comes. Howard wondered how all of this effects her life. She explained to Howard how the homosexuals effect her. She was quoting stuff from the bible and Howard tried to ask her some questions but she got a bit defensive when he'd ask her stuff. He found out that her dad is a Pastor so she's been force fed this stuff since she was born. She told Howard that he's going to go to Hell. Howard said he's ready to go. She started preaching more bible crap and said that Howard is not a good person after he said he's a good father. She brought up the fact that he's divorced and asked him if he's ever committed adultery. He said he did not commit adultery. He didn't sleep with another woman until he was divorced from his wife. She didn't find that acceptable of course.
Howard asked Shirley what she thinks about a guy who is afraid to come out of the closet and ends up marrying a woman to cover up the fact that he's gay. Shirley said that someone like that should castrate himself. Howard ended up telling the woman that she's like the Taliban the way she acts. Howard said that she really should be more forgiving because there's a good chance that her son could grow up to be a homosexual himself. She told Howard that he has been taught the ways of a man and he will not grow up to be a homosexual. She said he's the 8th son in her family and that will not happen to her son.
Robin asked Shirley if she thinks that there is any similarity to herself and the people who blew up the World Trade Center. She rambled on some more bible stuff and argued about whether or not she was angry. Howard said she sounded very angry as she was telling him all of this stuff. He wondered if she ever has any fun. She said she has 11 children and that's her joy in life. Howard asked her about using birth control. She said that they don't use birth control so Howard said something about her not having any control.
Howard told the woman she was brave to come on the air and then took some phone calls for her. A guy called in and asked the woman if she talks in church because there's a passage that says she's not supposed to speak in church. She said she does not go to church and speak so she follows that. The caller also said there's a passage about raping a virgin and how you just have to give the virgin's father 50 sheckles. Shirley said the man can also be killed. A couple more callers argued with Shirley about what's in the bible and what he means.
Howard asked Shirley what we should do with these ''fags'' as she calls them. She eventually said that she would want them to have the death penalty because they are against God. Howard said that's just like what the Taliban would do. She said there are other countries out there that have the death penalty for homosexuals so why not the United States. Howard asked her why she doesn't just move to one of those countries and live among people who have the same beliefs.
Howard told Shirley that she's going to end up in Hell herself for having so much hate toward these people. The woman defended herself and eventually told Howard that she's a Civil Rights Attorney. Artie sounded blown away when he heard that. She told Howard that her father helped get civil rights laws passed in her state many years ago and she and her siblings helped him out with that. She said they have no problem with the blacks because it's something they have no control over.
Howard took more calls for this woman and let some people argue with her for a few minutes. One guy said he has fought in two wars over in the Middle East and he doesn't understand how she can say that we deserved what we got when the World Trade Center was attacked. He told her that he fought for this country's freedom and he can't believe she's saying this stuff.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and yelled at Shirley for a little while about the World Trade Center thing. She said that Shirley is writing her own rules and her own book when she says all of this stuff. Mariann lost a family member in the World Trade Center disaster. Mariann told Shirley that she worships only one god, Howard Stern so Shirley told her that's the reason she lost a family member. Howard seemed to find that pretty offensive and couldn't believe she'd say something like that.
Howard gave Shirley a couple of plugs for her web sites GodHatesFags.com and GodHatesAmerica.com. He got her off the phone a minute later and then played tape of her father from that same protest where they interviewed the 8 year old. Howard said he loves to interview people like Shirley who think they're so right about this stuff. Howard said the 8 year old will probably kill himself if he does grow up to be homosexual. He'd be afraid to come out of the closet because of the hatred in his family. Howard had to take a break a short time later.
Howard read an article from this ''Travel Detective'' where he answers a question a person asked about an in-room safe in a hotel. Howard said that the guy responds to the guy and tells him the safe is useless and shows that the hotel is not confident about their security. Howard said he doesn't think they're useless because he's used them and there's not really a way someone can break into it. Robin said she forgot her code one time and they had to call all kinds of people to help get it open for her.
Howard had some e-mail to read. He got some feedback about his comments about how this war we're fighting is World War III. Howard said everyone has to choose sides in this war and it's going to turn to a World War. Howard said it's just a matter of time before a nuclear weapon goes off in our country and that's when we're going to bomb the hell out of half of this world. Robin said she hopes the steps we're taking now will prevent that. Howard said he hopes that's the case as well.
Howard got some feedback about the disgusting things they did on the show yesterday when the guy ate the dog doody and saw Jeff the Drunk's dirty ass. He said he also got some negative mail about his comments on John Ritter. Howard said that people are going a little overboard calling him a ''great actor'' when he really wasn't. He said the guy was talented but he wasn't a ''great actor'' like they're saying he was. Howard pointed out that the only hit shows that guy has been on have been jiggle shows where they have hot chicks that guys are tuning in to watch. Howard read some of the mail he got. Howard said that one person said that he's just jealous that no one will say anything nice about him when he dies. Howard said that no one ever did a tribute to John Ritter when he was alive so they must not have thought much of him. Howard said the time to honor someone is when they're alive. He later corrected himself and said that Ritter did get a Golden Globe award... To which Robin responded ''Golden Globes don't count...'' Howard also went off on Suzanne Somers about her talking about how she and John made up this year after not being in touch since she left ''Three's Company'' many years ago. He went off on her for writing a diet book as well. That led to Howard talking about Dr. Phil's diet book and how he's got no right to write one because he's still fat.
Howard compared Suzanne Somers to Cher. He said that Cher hated Sonny Bono when he was alive but as soon as he died, she was taking over his funeral and hardly let anyone get a word in. Howard played the tape of Suzanne Somers calling in to ''Good Day Live'' when she broke down and cried while talking about Ritter. Howard goofed on her about that for a short time. They also goofed on Jillian Barberie when she called John Ritter ''physically genius.'' Howard said that Suzanne really should just shut up.
Howard talked about how people tend to change history when people die. He later read some other email he got about his comments about Johnny Depp and the comments he made about America.
Gary told Howard that this guy with the sisters who were going to get naked was there but with only one sister. Howard said if the guy had two sisters with him, he'd let him play a full song. Since he only had one sister, he was going to give him like 30 seconds. He had to discuss it with Gary during the commercial break.
Howard said they reported on him appearing at Judith Regan's 50th birthday party over the weekend. Howard said he doesn't think Judith is only 50 years old. He talked about some of the other people that were there at the party. He said he spoke to Janice Dickenson and Rose McGowan a little bit. He said he only stayed about an hour before he left. He also said that he can't believe that they press release everything like this.
Howard brought in this guy Ken who was supposed to bring in his twin sisters to get naked. Only one of his sisters showed up and he hadn't told her what she was going in for. She had no idea she was supposed to get naked for Howard. Howard said Lindsey had big jugs. Lindsey does have a twin. Howard got distracted when Doug Goodstein from E! was untangling a microphone wire with the mic on. Howard ended up talking to him about how he went out to Chicago to shoot a segment at the new Scores. Doug said that he went out there to do the segment so he had a good reason to go. Howard said he never goes out to shoot that stuff, he usually has a crew go out there without him. Howard spent a little time talking to Doug about that and how he flew Mike Gange out as well. Doug said Howard will enjoy the segment they put together.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that he is now an official consultant for Scores and will be traveling to some of the new clubs to teach the girls how to dance in the cages and stuff. He said he may start getting some pay from that soon. Howard said Ronnie was really proud of that fact. Gary and Howard talked about how close Ronnie has gotten to the girls at Scores. He knows them all by name. Howard also brought up Ronnie's new tattoo and how disturbing it is.
Howard got back to this guy Ken and asked him why it was so important for him to play on the air. The guy said he really just wanted Howard to play his demo. Howard said if he had both of his sisters there, he might have played it. Howard spoke to Ken's sister for a short time and found out that she's a stay at home mother. She said she just came in to support her brother and she wouldn't have come in if he wasn't good. Lindsey said that she told Ken that she wasn't going to get completely naked but Howard told her that was the deal. He wasn't going to let Ken play if she didn't show everything. She started crying when he told her that. Howard asked her if she felt bad because she was going to get naked or because she wasn't going to get naked. She said she just knows how brutal Howard can be. She also said that her boobs don't look that good when she gets naked. Howard asked her to keep crying because it was like the scene in ''Fame'' where Coco was crying.
Ken said that he didn't know how upset his sister was going to get and he was just happy he got to meet everyone there. He said he just wanted to come in and have tomatoes thrown at his ass or something like that but they didn't want him to do that. Robin pointed out that the guy told them that he was bringing in both of his sisters and he didn't even do that. Lindsey said that she has a child that's only 9 months old at this point. She's also got one that's a year and a half old or so. Howard had Fred play the clip from ''Fame'' where Coco breaks down crying when she's asked to get naked. They threw in some applause after the clip as well.
Howard took some phone calls for Ken and his sister and they were pretty brutal. One guy was calling Lindsey a hooker and told her to just get naked. She was crying again because she really didn't want to do it. She blamed her brother for doing this to her. Ken said he didn't want her to do it anymore after she cried. KC asked him if he'd still go through with it if she agreed to get naked. He said he wouldn't stop her but he wouldn't force her to. Howard said she might be just a little uptight. A couple more callers were yelling at her to just take her clothes off. One guy called her a slut as he yelled at her to do it.
Lindsey said that she might take off her top but not he bottoms. Howard tried to negotiate with her and asked if they could see one boob and some ''beav.'' A woman called in during that discussion and said that they're being mean to her but she'd probably do it if she'd driven all that way and was offered $1000. Howard said he wasn't putting up any money because the guy said he was bringing in his sister to get naked and it didn't happen.
Ken asked Howard if he could just leave his CD there for him to check out. Howard told him he wasn't going to listen to it and he should just throw it in the garbage. He then took the CD and had Gary break it so they couldn't play it. That made Lindsey cry even more. She eventually broke down and said she'd get completely naked for them if they let Ken play live for them. She was still crying so Howard said if she was going to get naked he had to get some baby oil.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that if he can get naked, so can she. Howard took a couple more phone calls but they weren't helping things. She said she'd do it as Howard was wrapping up the segment but Howard didn't want her to because she wasn't ready. Howard told her she had to be naked for like 5 minutes but Gary thought that as long as Ken played guitar, she had to be naked. They were thinking more like a minute or so. She still wasn't naked though so Gary and Howard said that she really wasn't ready. KC came in a short time later and told her not to do it because he felt bad for her. The guys figured that his medication must have started kicking in finally.
Howard said he was going to give Lindsey a PDA as a prize courtesy of AvantGo. He had no idea what it was though. Howard spent a little more time talking to Ken and told him he just has to keep playing and go out performing wherever he can to make it in the business. A short time after that Howard took a call from this guy Eric from Electra records who said he'd listen to this guy's CD as a courtesy. He said he better not suck because he's going to listen to about 30 seconds of it.
Lindsey was still crying so Howard tried to find out what the problem was. She apologized for everything and said they didn't even have to give her the PDA. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later and took a break.
After the break Howard got another call from Bad Boy Records about Ken's music. The guy said that he'd also be willing to listen to the CD. Howard thanked him for the call and said they'd hook him up. Howard then moved on to Robin's news.
Howard said that the real Arnold Schwarzenegger was scheduled to call in. He also said James Brown was coming in so he and Robin talked about him for a short time. Howard said Brown got some kind of lifetime award from BET and Brown didn't bring his white wife on stage so she eventually left him. Howard said they were saying in the paper that's why she left him but there may have been more to it than that.
Howard said he was listening to Dr. Phil's show where he and Katie Couric were talking about weight loss and Katie asked him about his weight. Howard said that he told her that he's in the best shape he can be.
Howard said he feels bad for actor Stephen Dorff. He was on Good Morning America and had to be interviewed by a doorman. Charlie Gibson did a trading spaces type of thing where he traded jobs with a door man. Stephen Dorff got stuck being interviewed by that guy and it was a real insult to him. Howard played the clip and the guy wasn't even able to pronounce Dorff's name correctly. Dorff sounded annoyed by the whole thing. Howard said that he's going to change jobs with Pam Anderson's gynecologist. He also wondered how Charlie Gibson did as a door man. He said the building was probably robbed 3 times while he was there. He and Robin spent a little bit of time talking about how lame that bit was for Good Morning America. Howard said he would have given up the booking if they'd done that to him. Robin said Dorff should have backed out of the interview as well. Howard said the door man should have interviewed another door man or something like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got his girlfriend pregnant. He said he's been married before and he doesn't know if he should do it again. Howard told him not to marry the girl if he's not into marriage. The guy said he wanted to have a kid with this girl but he just doesn't want to get married. The guy said he wants to carry on his name but Howard told him that's all ego and he really doesn't need to do that. Howard gave the guy permission not to get married. He got him off the phone a short time later.
Howard took a call from a woman who said yesterday's show was awesome. She told Howard that she loved the segment where the mother of the freaky religious kid called in was great. Howard also mentioned the crying woman who came in and refused to get naked. The woman also said that she loves him as much as Mariann from Brooklyn does.
Howard and the guys talked about John Ritter again for a short time. Howard said they interviewed Joyce Dewitt on a tribute show they did for him last night. Howard said the tribute was actually pretty good and put together really well. He said they even traced his final steps and showed the footage of what he did shortly before he died. Howard said they've decided to keep his show going without him so they will show the first three episodes that he shot and take it from there. Howard had some fun talking about what he'd do with the show. He was saying they could have John's character turn into a talking dog after a nuclear accident. He had a couple of other ideas as well.
Howard and the guys also talked about Henry Winkler and how he's ''too nice'' when he makes an appearance. Artie said he hated to say it but he's the kind of guy who should have died to preserve his image as The Fonze because he's gotten too nice lately. Howard told the guys that a good replacement for John Ritter would be Jackie The Joke Man Martling. It could be his biggest come back ever. The only stipulation in his contract would be that he can plug his web site during the show. Howard and Fred had some fun with that idea for a few seconds before going to commercial break.
Howard said that Larry King was on Carson Daly's show talking about him the other night. Howard said Larry sound's like your father when he's interviewed. Howard played the clip of Carson and Larry talking about how Howard's fans call in to Larry's show and how Larry would be embarrassed if his fans did that to other shows. Larry went on to say that he doesn't feel jealous of anyone who has success like Howard does. At one point in the interview Larry said that he does his show for people with high school diplomas unlike Howard's fans. He said he was kidding but Howard later talked about how he's not even sure if Larry graduated high school himself. Howard also pointed out that Larry has passed bad checks in his life so he can't judge anyone.
Howard wondered when all of the new shows are going to start up this season. Robin wasn't sure but said it should be soon. They only spent a few seconds on that before Howard took some more phone calls.
A listener asked Howard if he drinks a lot of coffee. Howard said he hasn't had coffee in about 20 years now. He said his father has told him that it might help wake him up in the morning but Howard doesn't want to do that. He said it's an artificial perkiness that does stuff to your body that you don't want. Robin said she used to drink a lot of coffee before she went on The Master Cleanser diet. She said she doesn't drink it anymore.
A caller told Howard that he got a mention on ''The O.C.'' last night. In one scene this hot chick says they have to close the windows of the car they're in because her hair is getting frizzy and she's starting to look like Howard Stern. Howard said he's given that show a bunch of mentions and that's the way they thank him. Howard said that he has nice hair and that's an insult to say that he has frizzy hair like that. He said he's not going to mention the show anymore... but he will continue to watch it because it's a good show.
A guy called in and told Howard his wife doesn't like that he goes to strip clubs. He wanted Howard to tell him how to convince his wife that it's okay for him to go. Howard told him that he doesn't need to get permission from his wife and he should just go when he wants. Howard asked him why he's afraid of his wife. The guy said his wife gave him a lot of crap about it when he got back. Howard told the guy to just tell her to shut up. He also told the guy to ask her ''what are you my wife or my mother?'' Howard said that he should tell her that if she doesn't like what he does then she should leave. The guy wondered if all women think that these strip clubs are just horrible places where weird stuff goes on. Howard said that guys don't even get touched at these places though and women shouldn't worry about it. The guy on the phone said that he has kids as well but Howard told him that he wasn't listening and he should just do what he wants to do. Howard said that the marriage can't last if you can't be who you are. Robin said that stopping a guy from going to a club doesn't change him. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that the guy and his father in law went to the strip club but just sat around drinking all night. He wondered what the point of going to the club was. The guy said it was just a casual drinking night with his father-in-law. Ronnie said that he doesn't even ask permission when he goes out to a strip club. He just says that he's going out and he's been married for 30 years.
The caller asked Howard if he'd ever been to The Grandview strip club before. Howard hadn't been there but Ronnie went one time when he was out in the Poconos. He told Howard how weird the place is because it's out in the middle of nowhere. He said it's a pretty nice place but they don't serve alcohol. That means that the girls can get completely naked and guys can bring their own beer. Howard said he'd rather have a club where he can drink and the girls can only get topless. He also said that the ideal thing would be to go to a bar and bring his own stripper. Howard let another caller give the guy some advice but the guy was still saying that he didn't think he'd get permission from his wife to go to the strip clubs. Howard said that people should go out and do their own thing and be their own person. He said you shouldn't have to get permission from you spouse to do something like that. A few other people called in with their thoughts on the titty bar discussion.
Robin said that Howard had a lot of control over his wife when he was married. Howard told her that he was the one bringing home the bacon so of course he had some say there. She goofed on him about that for a few seconds but he went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard brought up the Tabitha Stevens ''date'' they gave away the other day to the guy who ate dog doody to win. Howard said that will air Friday night on E!. Howard got both Jay and Tabitha on the phone to talk to them about it. Jay said eating the doody was probably the worst thing he ever did and banging Tabitha was the best thing. Howard said they had a picture of the two of them on the TV in the studio and Jay is the whitest guy he's ever seen. Tabitha has a nice tan so it was quite a contrast. Jay said that he brushed his teeth before doing anything with Tabitha. She said she didn't smell any doody on his breath. Jay's phone crapped out at one point so Howard had to put him on hold. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Tabitha about Jeff the Drunk's underpants mess. She said that he was really stinky that day and it wasn't just blood in there like he claimed.
Tabitha said that there was some controversy about the phony Arnold Schwarzenegger judging the contest the other day. They didn't realize it was an impersonator.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard that Jay's phone battery crapped out so he couldn't get back on the regular phone. He could call in on a speaker phone or a cell phone. Howard told him to get Jay on the cell phone so he could have a quick conversation with him. He said it should have been a simple call. Howard killed some time playing tape of Jeff the Drunk singing a little bit and then asked KC to bring in tape from Monday when they found that Jeff had doody in his underwear. In the clip you hear Tabitha say that she can smell it from where she was sitting.
Howard had Jay back on the phone a short time later. He talked about how Jay ate the dog doody. He asked him what it tasted like. He said it didn't really taste like anything but doody. Jay said he found a piece of a stick in the doody when he was chopping it up to prepare for eating it. He said it was all hairy and nasty. Howard and the guys sounded pretty disgusted by that discovery.
Howard asked Jay and Tabitha about their date after that. He also stopped calling it a ''date'' and talked to them about how they banged at the hotel. Howard heard that the E! guys hid in the bathroom while Jay and Tabitha did their thing. Jay didn't want them to watch because it was too weird for him. Jay said that it was kind of weird at first when they got together. He said Tabitha took off her clothes and gave him oral. Tabitha said that he's a good looking kid and he was able to get aroused quickly. Jay said she was good at giving him oral and he kept it up for about 5 minutes. Tabitha said he held back and lasted quite a while. Howard said he wouldn't be able to last that long with her. Howard said if she was that good, he shouldn't have lasted that long. Tabitha said that she can tell when he's getting ready to go so she backed off a while. After that they had regular sex for a couple of minutes and Jay was done.
Tabitha claimed that she didn't have to use any lube, just saliva, to get herself ready. Howard said he figured that she'd have to use a ton of lube to get ready for the guy. Howard wondered what Doug and Richie were doing while the two of them did it. He asked if they had their pants down when they opened the door to the bathroom. Tabitha joked that they were pulling them up when they opened it.
Howard congratulated Jay on his conquest and asked him if she was better than a normal girl. Jay said everything about her was better. She looked good, smelled good and even tasted good. He said she tasted like vanilla. Howard asked Tabitha what she was wearing and went over all of that stuff with her. She said she was wearing 12 and a half inch heels because she's so short. She said she's only 5'3'' tall.
Tabitha said that this guy Jay was pretty large after he complimented the sexy look she had on her face when he was about to climax. He said he'll never get that look out of his mind.
Howard wrapped up the segment and gave Tabitha some plugs for her web sites TabithaStevens.com and TabithaStevensAndTheSuperSluts.com
Howard and Robin spent some time talking about some other stuff that was in the news. Howard said they found the oldest woman in the world and she comes in at 116 years old. Howard talked about that for a short time and said that the woman looks like the Crypt Keeper.
Robin brought up the death of Sheb Wooley and told Howard that he sang the song ''Giant Purple People Eater.'' Howard said he'd never heard of the song and that Robin is much older than he is so she'd know it. She said that she's only a year and a half older than him and knew he was full of crap. She said she can't wait for him to turn 50 next January so she can rub it in.
Howard mentioned magician David Blaine and how the English really don't care about his stupid stunt where he's hanging in a box from a bridge over there. He said someone tried to cut the water lines to the box the other day. Howard said they can do all they want to that guy over there. He's still going to come home to New York and bang more super models.
Howard and Robin talked about talk shows that are on these days and how lame they are. He said there's a new show that's just horrible. They also talked about some of the lame shows that are coming on in prime time. Howard mentioned ''Rock Me Baby'' with Dan Cortese and how it sounds like a rip off of his movie.. and life. Howard said he refuses to watch the show. He knows it won't work because it'll be done so badly. Gary said Dan is scheduled to come in the first week in October and wondered if he'll be in before the show gets canceled. Howard said he doesn't think the show will still be on by then.
Howard had this new song, ''Changes,'' that Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne put out. He played the song and said he thinks that Ozzy should let his kids do their own thing instead of performing with them.
Howard talked about how there's a new law in Los Angeles that says there are no lap dances allowed anymore. Howard thought that was ridiculous and said that he has to talk to Arnold Schwarzenegger about that when he calls in. Howard said he wants to know what he's going to get for backing Arnold in this recall election. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard asked Arnold if he's sorry he even got involved in this election. Arnold said he wanted to get involved and he's not sorry about it. He thinks he can make a difference there in California and that's why he's going to stick with it. Howard also wondered if he's able to go to the gym to work out or if this has ruined everything. Arnold said he has to make some sacrifices but he is able to work out at home. He doesn't have to go out to a gym to do it.
Howard said he saw Arnold on Oprah's show and saw how people were busting his balls over things he's done in his life. Arnold said he's willing to make sacrifices in his life because he really thinks that he can make a difference out there. Howard pointed out that this guy Cruz Bustamante slipped and used the N-word while making a speech and no one is saying anything about that. Arnold said he doesn't care about that because everyone can make a mistake like that one time. He said that's not the problem with California right now. He said a lot of companies are moving out of the state and there are problems with workman's compensation so he wants to fix those problems.
Howard said he's throwing his support to Arnold but asked him if he'd allow him to make a speech at his inauguration ceremony when he wins. Howard said he just wants a title, a legitimate one, so he gets a little respect. He also asked Arnold about this law against lap dances. Arnold said he feels that it's a decision that local municipalities can make on their own. He said that those are small issues that he doesn't want to concentrate on at this point. He's looking at the bigger picture. He talked about fixing the education problems they have out there and some other stuff they need to do to bring back the revenue to the state.
Howard also asked Arnold about the recall election being called off temporarily. Arnold said that he believes that it will be back on by October 7th. He also told Howard that this campaign will probably cost about $22 million and he's already spent a few million of his own. While he was talking about all of this stuff Robin said that he was really moving her and made her thing that he was right for the job. Howard said that he doesn't know why he'd want to be involved in all of this because of the huge headaches involved with it.
Howard asked Arnold to do something for him when he wins. Arnold said that he'd think about that and try to do something for him because he's been such a supporter of his films over the years. Howard asked him to name a beach or something after him. NJ Governor Christie Whitman named a rest stop after Howard when she won after getting Howard's support.
Arnold said the first thing is to get the people to vote Yes on the recall election and then to vote for Arnold in the election. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time after that.
Howard and Robin tried to figure out what Arnold could name after him. He and Robin said maybe a highway, a high school, a bridge or something would be cool. Howard said if Arnold promised to name a park after him he'd get a ton of support from his fans. Howard said his father would be proud of him of Arnold did something like that for him. Artie thought it was funny when Arnold said that everyone makes a mistake once when they were talking about Cruz Bustamonte.
Howard played some tape of Joyce Dewitt talking about John Ritter on the tribute they had for him last night. Joyce was talking about how great John was and was just about in tears. Artie chuckled when he heard the clip for some reason.
Howard asked her where she got this idea from. She said she wants to model in magazines but Howard told her she won't be doing that. He said she didn't have the right look. Howard told her she can probably model on cars at car shows, but that's about it. Gary told Howard she's not a very good communicator. Howard asked her what she does for a living. She said she's in school right now studying web site design.
Howard said Lori was supposed to be there at 7 this morning but she came in late. She missed her 5:45am bus but Gary said she kept telling him that she didn't miss it, she just didn't catch that one, she took a later one. She kept telling them that she was very tired. Howard said she also makes a lot of faces and twitches. He said she can't be doing that if she wants to be a model.
Howard had a little car set up in the studio so he had her stand next to it and point to it like she liked it. He said she was doing okay with that but Gary said that they have to talk about them as well. She wasn't into cars so that didn't go over very well. Gary told her to pretend that it was a 2004 BMW 325i and gave her a few things to talk about. She quickly mentioned what the car was but didn't sound very interested when she was talking about it.
Lori was making a bunch of faces and stuff while she was standing there so the guys picked up on that. She was poking herself in the chest and stuff as she stood there. Howard told her she just can't do that if she wants to be a model.
Howard took some calls and let some people go off on her. There was one woman who called in and said that she's having problems with a female friend of hers. It sounded like she was a lesbian but she told Howard that she wasn't sure if she was or not. She said that she's not really sure why the woman is mad at her but she wants her back in her life. She said she wants to make love to her so Howard said she must be a lesbian. Howard ended up hanging up on her because he was bored with her story.
Howard took more phone calls for Lori and one guy suggested giving her an IQ test. Gary asked her a couple of questions like ''What's 8 times 9?'' and ''What's 20 percent of 200?'' She was able to get the first one right but she couldn't think and didn't get the second one. She was having a little bit of trouble with the math questions. She claims that she didn't get a lot of sleep because she was in the emergency room with her friend last night. Howard asked her what was wrong with the friend. She started to say that she'd been stung by a bee but Artie quickly said ''She was dying of boredom.'' Howard had some more questions for Lori. He said he'd give her $500 if she got them right. He asked her:
Howard spoke to James and his wife about the divorce that never happened. They said that was all a mistake and they did not break up. Brown changed subjects when he told Robin how good she looks. Howard let him do that for a short time and then got back to their story.
Howard said that James was honored on BET the other night and didn't bring his wife, Tommi Rae, on stage with him because she's white. James explained to Howard what had happened there. He said that the whole thing was all about him so she didn't mind that she wasn't on stage. She said she did get upset over the way things were handled that night. She said they let her go through rehearsal and right up until the last second, she thought she was going on stage.
Howard told Tommi Rae why they probably didn't let her come out on stage with James. He said James probably just didn't want her to be on stage and he didn't want to hurt her feelings. Howard said they probably didn't want to see James with a white woman on BET either.
Howard said even though James took out an ad in the paper saying he loves women and looked like he was ready to date, he's still with his wife. Once again, James changed subjects and told Robin how beautiful she looks. He said she gets more beautiful every year.
Howard talked to Tommi Rae about how she may still be married to someone that she thought she was divorced from. Tommy Ray said that she was married for about 5 minutes one time and had that annulled shortly after that so she is not married to that guy.
Howard called himself the ''James Brown of radio'' while he was talking to Mr. Brown. Brown was telling Howard how good he is and how there's no one else like him.
Howard gave James a couple of plugs for his upcoming appearances. He'll be at the Hollywood Bowl on September 27th and at the Apollo Theater in New York City on November 21st and 22nd. You can get tickets at Ticketmaster.com. Howard also danced a little bit for James while Fred played ''Sex Machine.''
Vinnie Favale called in and asked Brown why he posed with Goofy from Disney World in the picture that they had in the paper when he was announcing his divorce. Tommi Rae said that they'd gone there for James' 70th birthday and took the picture there. Howard told James that 70 is the new 30 on him. He spent a short tim giving him a couple more plugs and then wrapped up the interview.
Howard mentioned that there was a hot chick on the cover of the NY Post this morning. That led to him talking about the hot chicks that come and go in their building. Howard said he saw one the other day that was really hot. He said he'll slow down and hope that they'll notice him when he's walking by. Howard was looking at some pictures of some fashion shows and noticed one chick who was wearing an orange mini-skirt with orange ankle socks and blue shoes. He said that was really hot looking to him and suggested that Robin wear something like that. After spending a couple of minutes on that Howard had Robin start her news.
Howard wondered how much longer they have left in their contract. Robin said it was 2 and a half years but Gary said it was a little less than that when Howard complained that every time he asks it's the same.
Howard asked Robin what's new with her. There was nothing going on with her and Howard said there was nothing up with him either. He then asked her if she's had any more accidents since her recent battle with diarrhea while she was out in California. Robin said she had to throw out her sneakers because they were ruined by the doody. Howard told her she could have kept them and had them dyed brown or something. She said she had to throw them away because they wouldn't dry after she washed them.
Howard said he was burning up in the studio because the clothes Ralph picked out for him to wear didn't have one natural fiber in them at all. He told Robin he was too tired when she told him to stand up and show her the shirts. He talked about how tough it is to get up as early as he does to do the radio show.
Howard asked Artie if he's working this weekend. Artie said he's working in Boca Raton, Florida (New York Comedy Club). Gary told Howard that Artie has another job to announce as well. Artie said he has another development deal with a TV production company. He's got a deal with Touchstone which is basically ABC. Howard said that these development deals are great because the companies give you a ton of money to just think of a TV show idea and try to get it on TV. Howard said that some of these deals are worth $700,000 to a million bucks. Gary said that the production company is going to give him a few scripts and if he doesn't like any of them, he still gets half the money. If he takes it, he gets a TV sitcom and a lot of money. Howard said even if the show doesn't make it to TV, he'll still get a ton of money. Artie said this is his fourth development deal and he's been on two sitcoms already. He said that he could play one of those parts where he's a fat plumber or something like that and get away with it. Howard and the guys talked about how weird it is that these deals are made. They don't have any script for him yet but they're still holding him in this deal. Artie said that now he has to go meet a bunch of writers who will be pitching ideas for him. He said they'll give him an idea like ''You're a zoo keeper and you have four kids...'' to start off. He said he's got a meeting coming up in a few weeks where he'll go to his first pitch meetings.
Howard said he knew a guy who had a better deal than Artie. He said the person got a million bucks even if he didn't like any of the script ideas they offered him. Robin thought it was kind of weird that they were going to introduce Artie to some guys and try to come up with ideas after meeting him. Artie said that they could also throw him into a show that's already in production. He said he'd like to get on that Kelly Ripa and Faith Ford show because they shoot it in New York. Howard ended up talking about how cute Kelly Ripa is. Artie said he already worked with Faith Ford on ''Norm'' because she played Norm's girlfriend for a while. He said she's got a great ass and she's a really nice person.
Howard talked about some of the new shows that have started up like Whoopi Goldberg's new show and ''Rock Me Baby'' which is like his movie ''Private Parts'' done really poorly. He said they do a lot of similar stuff that he did in his movie and he couldn't watch the whole show.
Howard pitched some ideas for Artie. He said he could play a fat gym teacher, a fat President or a fat Astronaut. ARtie said he'd rather do the gym teacher thing because it's a comfortable wardrobe. They goofed around with some other ideas as well. Howard said he'd throw in a meddling mother in law. Howard said he could also play a hammock dealer and he'd fall out of them ten times a week.
Artie said the best gig is someone like the neighbor on Tim Allen's TV show ''Home Improvement.'' That guy was on every week and all you saw were his eyes. He said that guy didn't even have to wear pants to work on that show. A listener called in and pitched an idea where Artie plays a fat guy who gets a job on a national radio show. He corrected himself and said that it was real life. Howard had to take a break right after that.
Howard took a call from comedian Shuli (RenegadeComedy.com) and asked him what he wanted. He had some questions for Howard as he usually does. He asked him if Howard likes Jeff the Drunk or George Takei better. Howard said he loves both of them and couldn't choose between them. Howard was ready to get Shuli off the phone but he had more to ask. He asked Howard what he's going to miss most when his contract is up in 2 years. Howard said he's going to miss the fee stuff he's offered. Shuli also asked what he's not going to miss. Howard joked that he won't miss Fred and staring at him all morning. Howard then said that he's going to really not miss Tom Chiusano and all of the crap he has to go through with him. Howard also talked about how he won't miss the FCC stuff but then thanked them for coming to their senses when it came to them saying that his show can be considered a news program so they could put Arnold Schwarzenegger on without worrying about equal time laws.
Shuli asked Howard if his girlfriend ever got in a horrible accident, how long would he stay with her. Howard said he'd have to stay with her at least a year. Robin said he wouldn't be taking care of her though. Howard said he'd hire someone to do that for him. He also said that he'd go see her all the time though. Shuli also asked Artie if he'd do the same thing. Artie said he probably wouldn't last a year. Howard said he'd be banging other chicks within a week but he'd still visit Beth because he loves her. Howard said Beth knows better than to get paralyzed because she knows what would happen. Howard said that if he was paralyzed, Beth would probably stay with him the rest of his life. He said if something like that happened to him though, he'd probably kill himself. He said he'd try to get his mother to cover his head with a pillow or something.
Artie said his father was in a wheel chair for 4 years and he'd get in moods where he'd ask Artie to off-him. As Artie was talking about that Howard told him that's a great idea for his sitcom. Howard said each week they could try to kill him in different ways.
Shuli asked Howard some more questions about who he'd rather be if he had to wake up the next morning as someone else. He asked him if he'd rather be Artie or Stuttering John. Howard picked John. Then he picked KC over Benjy, Robin over Fred and Tom Chiusano over Scott the Engineer. Artie was wondering why Howard picked John over him. Howard said that John is a good looking guy with a pretty decent life while Artie is kind of dark and scary. Howard said that he just knows when Artie goes home and looks at himself in the mirror he's no happy. Plus his mother is over every day decorating his house and stuff like that. The guys talked about how Howard would pick KC over just about everybody just because he's a good looking guy. Robin asked him about picking between Gary and Stuttering John. Howard said he doesn't know how he could live with the big teeth and going to appearances and signing pictures and stuff like he does. Howard said he'd rather be John.
Gary came in to talk about what he could do if he didn't have the job he has now. He said he thinks that he could work on a TV show as a segment producer somewhere. Howard didn't think that he could do something where he'd get paid decent money though. Howard told Gary that if he could take a couple of people from the show with him somewhere else, he'd probably take Robin and Fred. Then if he had one more choice, he'd probably take Anne Marie because she can type. Howard said if he was going to go do a Letterman type show, and Robin and Fred died, he'd take Artie and Benjy. He wouldn't take Gary or Stuttering John. After talking about that he had to take another break.
Howard told Fred that he would have no career without him. Fred asked him where the insult was and got pissed within a few seconds. Howard then moved on to Gary but backed off because he knew it was going to upset him so much. Gary wasn't sure if he wanted Howard to go there with him. Howard said that Gary cheats on his wife but Gary said that's not right and did get pissed that he said that. He asked Howard to take it back so he did. Howard said he was pissed because Gary thought he knew him so well that he could predict what he was going to say to piss him off. He wrote down that he predicted Howard would say that his wife Mary hates him, that he's pussy whipped and that he watches the kids too much. Howard said Gary is immune to that stuff though so he didn't go that direction.
The guys wanted Howard to get Stuttering John pissed off in once sentence but he said it's too easy to do that. He didn't want to keep going with that stuff. John came in a short time later and said that they have a guest on the phone. He seemed to be avoiding Howard getting him pissed off.
Howard said that KC is scaring him these days. He said that he wants him going to the Psychiatrist 5 days a week but KC doesn't want to do that. Gary said that KC got sick yesterday and he's convinced that it's the medication he's on. KC said they've turned him into a drug addict and he's getting sick because he's going through withdrawal. Howard said his eyes are starting to roll back into his head as well. Gary said KC told him he's going to go off the medication but he told him not to do that. Howard and Robin talked about how whenever crazy people go off their meds, they go nuts. Howard said KC seems to be worse since he went on the medication. KC said he is worse but Robin told him that there's a time of adjustment where he'll have to get used to the feeling of being on the medication.
Howard seems to think that the way KC's father raised him is why he's mentally ill. He brought up one story where his dad had people throwing balls at KC in a game they played called the Lonesome Coyote. KC said that stuff was fun and that's what guys do. Howard said that's not what father's do to their sons though. Howard asked KC if he'd ever do that to his own son. KC thought for a few seconds and said he probably wouldn't do that to his kid but it was only a game. Then he said he might do it to him. Howard didn't think KC was being serious about the stuff he was saying so he wanted to get him out of the studio. He then told KC that he was going to bring in a 6 year old kid so KC can see what he'd go through. Howard finally kicked KC out of the studio and called him The Lonesome Coyote.
Howard read a statistic from John's book. He said that ''Women who marry, love themselves more than any man.'' John went on to explain what they meant by that. John's explanation didn't sound like it meant that the women loved themselves more than any man according to Robin. She argued with Howard and John about some of the things they were talking about.
John also has stats about when women should get married. He also claims that women who have sex on the first date reduce their chances of getting married dramatically. Howard read that after men turn 38 the chances that they will ever marry drop dramatically. Guys who live on their own are more likely to marry because they're lonely. Howard said that's probably why Artie doesn't marry. His mother just about lives at his place according to Howard. Artie said that's not true though and she comes over like once a week.
Howard read a couple of other stats from the book and Robin said that she doesn't believe in marriage because it's got nothing to do with love. She said it's like a business relationship and that's not right. Howard continued to read some other stats from the book. The guy claims that women gain respect by not doing household chores. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to John about this stuff before wrapping up the call.
John thanked Howard for mentioning his book last week because it shot up in sales an amazing amount. Howard said that the book was pretty interesting so that's why he mentioned it. Howard took a couple more phone calls before going to break.
Howard said this guy Blair Boone was on ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' and was booted after a couple of episodes. Howard said he was the black guy on the show. Blair told Howard that he taped for about a month with the guys and he made it on to the first two episodes. He was supposed to be there to teach the guys culture. Robin said he was replaced with someone else who does the same thing. Blair claims that they fired him because Bravo and NBC wanted to go a different direction or something like that. Blair said that he may hot have been ''gay enough'' for the show as well. He said that he started this lawsuit before the show even started to air so he's not trying to get in on the popularity of the game. Blair signed a contract to do the show so that's why he's suing. He said that he's not asking for a lot of money, just the money he was supposed to get paid for doing the show. He said that comes out to be about $105,000. Howard said that sounded reasonable to him and said he's backing him in this. Howard told Blair that something similar happened to him years ago and he sued to get two months worth of pay from his employer.
Blair said that there were clauses in the contract about the show being canceled and natural disasters and stuff like that but there was nothing about getting fired. He said he thought they were all getting along pretty well during the shoots and then all of a sudden he got a call from a producer. The producer took him out for coffee and let him go.
Blair said that after he was fired the producer wrote him a nice recommendation letter so it was obvious that nothing was wrong with his performance. Howard said he felt that they really are screwing this guy over. He asked Blair if he's pissed when he sees the guys making it big and showing up on magazine covers and stuff like that. Blair said that he got along really well with the guys and thinks it's great that they're doing well. He said he doesn't have any hard feelings toward the stars of the show. Howard told him that this stuff goes on all the time with shows and it's really bad and tacky on the producer's side.
Howard took a couple of calls for Blair. One guy said that Blair just isn't gay enough for that show. Howard gave Blair a plug for his web site BlairBoone.com and took some more calls. Everyone was calling in doing their effeminate voices goofing on the guy. There were some guys who thought that he wasn't suing for enough money. Howard asked Blair to keep in touch with him about the court case so he can find out what happens.
Howard said he tried to get Tommy Chong to do the show but he's been advised not to do the show. Howard said Tommy did ask them to thank the fans for all the support he's been getting since Howard talked about it on the air the other day. He said that Tommy told them he'll try to get on the show as soon as he's able to.
Blair told Howard that he's never taken anal from another gay guy. He's had sex and given oral but never took anal. Howard and Robin talked to him about that for a short time before going to commercial break.
Recently, Benjy offered to do a weight loss challenge where he would get banged by 40 gay guys if he didn't lose 40 pounds in a month. Howard asked Blair if he'd be willing to bang Benjy if he lost. Blair said he has very specific tastes so he wouldn't be interested but he'd pass along a name of a friend of his who might be willing to do it. Blair asked Howard why they don't have any gay guys on the show as staff members. Howard said they do have some gay guys, they just don't talk about them. Howard mentioned KC while they were talking about that stuff. KC came in and asked Howard not to do that because he's really not gay. Blair told Howard that he had his ''Gaydar'' on when he came in and KC is definitely not gay. Blair said he had his gaydar on full and thought that Benjy might have some gay tendencies. Benjy doesn't think he has any gay tendencies but he was willing to take anal from 40 gay guys if he lost that weight loss challenge. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time after that.
Howard had some take of people being interviewed about hurricane Isabel that's heading their way in New York. KC called Jeff the Drunk and asked him what he's doing to prepare. He said that he's getting some week to smoke during the storm. KC also called the Singing Psychic, Fran Baskerville, and had her sing what she's doing. KC also called Gary at home and asked him what he's doing. He quickly said that he got a new spark plug for his generator to prepare.
Howard said there was a public service announcement that made it to the air where they talk about young girls and how they will feel dirty and cheap if they have sex. They said they're also more likely to consider suicide if they have sex. Howard said the ad made it on the air out in Las Vegas but some people weren't too happy about that.
A woman called in and said she heard Star Jones mention Heinz Catsup and she thinks that it may have been one of these product placements. Howard said he thinks that Star just has a problem and just mentions food all the time because she eats so much. The woman also told Howard that she has a problem with Stuttering John hanging up on her when she calls in to talk to Howard. Howard said John hangs up on some people when they're being big bores like she was being then... He hung up on her right after saying that.
A guy called in and told Howard about the drugs that KC has been taking. The guy was telling Howard about how they work. The guy also said that Howard's show saved his life because whenever he'd think about killing himself, he'd think that he wouldn't be able to hear the show anymore. Howard said he's heard that from quite a few people.
Howard blasted through a few more phone calls. One guy asked Howard for some advice on his bull dog. The caller said that his dog has been going to the bathroom in the house and he doesn't know what to do. Howard told the guy that the dogs are very trainable and you have to limit their water and food intakes while they're being trained. He hung up on the guy when he asked to win some cash.
Captain Janks was on the line to play some of his new phony phone calls. Janks called CNN as ''Lisa McDowell'' and told the news anchor that a hostage taker was angry at Howard Stern's ball sack... and then called her a bitch. Janks said that a minute later the anchor had to do a story about Arnold Schwarzenegger being on Howard's show. He thought that was pretty funny. Janks said he called AM Philadelphia while they were talking about John Ritter's death. Janks called in as a woman again and just said ''Howard Stern!'' The host of the show said that name wasn't welcome there. He picked up another call and it was another ''Howard Stern!'' call. The host took a third call and said if the woman said ''Howard Stern'' he was going to have a heart attack. The woman didn't mention Howard.
Janks stuck around on the line to play a game to win some money. He had Fred play some sound effects and Janks had to guess who it was. Janks missed the first one which was Werner Klemperer saying ''Will you stop it, are you out of your mind?'' While they were talking about that Janks mentioned that Grandpa Al Lewis lost a leg and was in a coma for a while. He's recovered though and now he's learning to walk with one leg missing. Janks said the guy lost some toes on the other leg as well.
Howard got back to the game and had Fred play ''Nigga please!'' from Ol' Dirty Bastard. Janks knew that one so Howard gave him $500 courtesy of the movie ''Cabin Fever.'' Janks went on to tell Howard that he saw Underdog Lady out at a mall doing an appearance so he ran after her yelling ''Howard Stern!'' He said she called security on him and said that she was being ''maltreated'' by him. Howard said Janks shouldn't have done that because she's so touchy when it comes to that stuff. Janks asked Fred to play the interview where Underdog Lady talks about being held hostage by Howard's WWOR show many years ago. Fred played that and Janks just laughed at the stuff she was saying.
Debbie Schlussel called in after Janks was on. She just wanted to plug a column she had in the NY Post this morning. She told Howard about what the story was about and said you can read it on her web site DebbieSchlussel.com. She said that the FBI is giving an award to a terrorist. She gave Howard a bunch of information about this guy and why he was getting this award. After hearing about it Howard said it is pretty scary. He said he'd check out the article. Gary buzzed in before Debbie got off the phone and said that Debbie was a little upset about the snoring sound effects they played over her last week. Debbie said they didn't spend a lot of time talking about that though. Gary said he spent about 10 minutes on the phone and she did most of the talking. Stuttering John came in and said that Gary actually put her on hold while she was rambling to him and yelled ''Shut up!'' to the phone. Gary said he was trying to get off the phone with her but she wouldn't stop talking so that's when he did that.
Howard suggested that Debbie could make herself more interesting if she wrapped up her thoughts in quick sound bites instead of rattling on and on. She said she appreciated the critique and started answering in one sentence. Howard told her that was great because it left them wanting more. Artie said she's great at leaving them wanting less as it stands. Howard then started asking her about some stuff in the news and she would give short answers. Howard thought that was great. Howard took a call from a guy who claimed to be Debbie's biggest fan. When he picked up the line it was a guy snoring. Howard spoke to the snoring guy for a few seconds but then he woke up and said ''Shut up whore!'' as Osama bin Laden. Howard had to take a break a short time later.
Howard and the guys brought up how ABC is going to replace John Ritter on his ''8 Rules'' sitcom. That led to them talking about how they replaced Freddie Prinz with another guy on ''Chico and the Man'' after he committed suicide. They even called him ''Chico.'' Yesterday Howard said they should just say that the father was involved in a horrible accident and bring someone else in to play his part.
Gary came in and said that they're going to do a Frank Sinatra show where they'll have a holograph of him on stage performing. Howard said they could do that with John Ritter as well. Howard said they could give the part to someone like Dana Carvey or David Spade. The guys goofed around with some other ideas before Howard had Robin start her news. He was going to play more of the Dr. Phil tape he was playing yesterday but ran out of time.
Howard said they had a busy show ahead of them today. They had Siobhan the transvestite coming in, the BetOnSports.com football pool and a woman by the name of Ariana coming in to find out if she needs implants. Howard and Artie talked about Siobhan and what he/she has done in the past on the show.
Howard said he was reading some of the e-mail they got after yesterday's show. He said that someone wrote in and complained about Jimmy Kimmel and Sharon Osbourne talking about how she dated Jay Leno. The guy said they didn't even mention the fact that Howard broke that story and he was pissed. Howard also got mail about author John Molloy and his book ''Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others.'' Some people couldn't remember the name of the book. Another person wrote in about Blair Boone from ''Queer Eye'' and complained about how gay the show has gotten lately. Other people complained about Howard playing the game where Howard tried to piss off the other people on the show in one sentence. The writer told Howard that he would be nothing without people like Fred and Robin and he shouldn't have been pissing them off like he was.
Howard told a joke about a couple of Saudi Arabians who came to this country and agreed to have a contest to see who could become more Americanized in one year. They meet up after a year later and one guy says that his kid is in little league and he's completely lost his accent and some other stuff. The other guy looks at him and says ''F-you you towel head''
Howard read some more e-mail and got some good feedback from people about how they pointed out Drew Barrymore's product plug for Kraft when she was on Jay Leno's show the other night. He played that clip to let everyone hear it again. Drew and Jay blatantly plug Kraft Singles cheese during a discussion about food. Comedian Kathy Griffin was on Howard's show recently telling them about how she gets offers to plug stuff like that on talk shows and gets a lot of money for doing it.
Big Black called in and said that Howard was leaving out one part. He said after the plug for the Kraft stuff, Jay brought out a can of Cheez-wiz and squirted it in Drew's mouth. She ended up spitting it out because it was so gross. Howard and the guys ended up talking to Big Black about his new home in the South Bronx. Big Black told the guys how he watched someone get robbed right in front of him the other night. He said he's been working for a while now and got his own place. He works security at Yankee Stadium during the season.
Howard got Big Black off the phone and got back to e-mail. Someone asked Howard to play the clip of Jeff the Drunk singing Johnny Cash songs. Howard got them a short time later and attempted to play them. Both carts weren't re-re-cued so he gave up on it. Howard blamed it on KC and said that he might have to give Jason that responsibility. KC said he has a major problem with that and asked why he's the one blamed for stuff like that. KC said that one must have slipped by him. KC ended up arguing with Howard about how something about notes being printed was never his responsibility. He said it was always Jason's job and he never printed the stuff out. Jason came in and said that KC asked him when he first started there to print out the notes for him. Howard said he was aware that it was KC's job at one point and he had Jason doing it for him. Howard told KC that he's best at getting his breakfast and he was relieved of that duty. The guys noticed that KC's attitude had changed and even his voice had changed since he started taking this medication. Howard sounded kind of freaked out by the whole thing and apologized to him about flipping out. Robin and Gary said they could tell that he was acting a little different this morning. They noticed it immediately when he walked in the studio but Howard didn't see it for some reason.
Captain Janks called in and asked Howard why he was letting KC go off on him like that. Janks was bad mouthing KC so KC told him to shut up. Janks jokingly said that he was going to come down and take care of him. Howard got him off the phone before he could cause any more trouble. KC apologized to Howard for his behavior and Howard tried to let it go. It sounded like he was terrified of KC and just wanted him to calm down and not kill him. KC said he didn't want to argue. KC was telling Howard that he wasn't going to be a nice guy anymore about this stuff. Howard tried to calm him down and started to sing ''Happy days are here again...'' trying to calm him down. He was agreeing with just about everything he was saying to keep him calm.
Howard took a call from a guy who said KC was going to go postal and wondered if it was going to happen on or off the air. Howard wasn't sure which way that was going to go. A few other people had similar thoughts on the subject and told Howard to be careful. A woman told Howard that the anti-depressants can turn someone into a walking zombie. Stuttering John came in a short time later and said that it was kind of creepy the way KC was acting. KC said that he had some strange thoughts the other day while he was working out. He said he saw a bunch of people in suits walking around. He said he had some fantasy about taking an axe to ''the suits'' and knock them on their asses. He'd then have to stand over them to pull the axe out. KC said the only reason he had those thoughts about the people in suits was because they were in his way.
Some phone callers were telling Howard how scary it was hearing KC act like that. This led to the guys talking about some of the other behavior he's shown in the past. He's talked about how his mother would be better off dead because she'd have less pain in her life. The guys asked him if he's ever had thoughts about killing anyone in the room. They figured Stuttering John might be one of those people but KC said he doesn't hate John. KC said his therapist has told him to open up to people but he's going to keep his mouth shut.
Howard said that KC's reaction earlier was almost as scary as the times Robert Blake and Mr. T gave him some problems on the show. Howard wondered where Ronnie the Limo Driver was during his outburst earlier. Ronnie said he was right there in the studio but no one saw him there. Howard and Stuttering John asked Ronnie what he would have been able to do to KC if he had gone nuts. Ronnie said if KC goes ballistic there may not be anyone there who could stop him. Howard was serious and wanted to know what Ronnie's plan was to subdue KC if he did go crazy and decided to attack him. Howard demanded to see Ronnie tackle KC to show that he'd be able to do it when the time came. Crazy Cabbie called in and said that no one there is going to be able to subdue him if he goes nuts. He said he was wrestling with KC one day and KC took him and turned him into a pretzel no problem. He said he might be one of the strongest guys he's ever met. Gary said he saw KC, now being called ''CrayC,'' working out with some 80 pound dumbbell weights one day. Howard said he saw KC take a ton of weights one time, stacked them on a bar and then did sit-ups while holding the bar over his head. The guy is really strong.
Stuttering John said that he could even take Ronnie if he had to. The guys talked about some of the other guys who could take him on if they wanted to. Everyone was talking about how they could take on Ronnie and how no one would be able to take on KC who is like The Hulk when he gets pissed. No one would be able to stop him. Howard took some more phone calls and let some people talk about the craziness that just went on. People were suggesting things like getting a stun gun and having KC wear a mask like Hannibal Lechter.
Howard asked Ronnie if he had a stun gun to use just in case KC did go nuts. He said he didn't have to tell anyone what he has there to take care of problems. Ronnie was pissed at Stuttering John about some of the stuff that he was saying about him. John mentioned that Ronnie has a NASCAR tire in his living room. Ronnie had to correct him and say that he had two, not just one, in his house now. He said he got one autographed from Sterling Marlin.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie has no professional training so Howard might not be as safe as he thinks he is. Stuttering John said he thinks he could take Ronnie on and beat the crap out of him. Howard played a meditation tape to calm everyone down in the studio. Another guy called in and talked about the medication KC is on and how they can mess people up. KC said that he's taking these meds for depression and ''something about being bipolar...'' Dominic Barbara called in and said he thinks that this therapy KC is going through is helping him out and the medication may take 30 to 60 days to take effect. Howard had to take a break after all of this because it was 7:00 and he hadn't taken one yet.
Howard moved on to Siobhan the Transvestite who they haven't seen in many years. Howard had him/her come in and said that he was wearing a bra top and didn't look so great. Howard said he was wearing a belly shirt and he's got a guy's belly. Howard said he was wearing a wig and it looked like a $5 wig. Artie said he kind of looks like Sigourny Weaver.
Siobhan had his daughter with him when he came in so Howard spent a short time talking to her as well. Howard asked her if it was true that she wasn't allowed to talk to her father for a few years. Siobhan said that he lives in a building as a squatter and his daughter lives with him. Howard figured that he was the kind of father that can't tell his daughter what to do but the daughter said he does that.
Siobhan said that he's tried living as a guy but he just can't do it. He hasn't had his penis cut off yet so Howard said that's good and hopes that he doesn't get that done. Howard goofed on him a little bit about the bad wig he was wearing and how old he is. Siobhan said that he works as a cat sitter in some places and gets paid pretty good doing that.
Howard said Siobhan's breast implants were really bad and pointed that out to him. Siobhan said they were his first set and he wants some new ones. Howard spent a little time talking to Siobhan's daughter about what it's like having him as a father. She didn't seem to mind it all that much. Howard had Siobhan stand up to show them what he looked like. Howard said Fred was about to pass out when he saw him stand up.
Siobhan's daughter said she has a normal sex life with a boyfriend. Benjy asked Howard if he'd be freaked out too much to date the daughter after finding out she had a father like Siobhan. Howard said that wouldn't bother him because she's so cute.
Howard let Siobhan get in a plug for a benefit they're doing for some cat thing at the Lucky Cat on November 8th in Williamsburg. Howard spent a little more time talking to him about his cat sitting business and about what he wants to do with his penis. He said he wants to get the operation done so he can get penetration because that's the only way he can be satisfied.
Howard said Siobhan once wrote a letter to his wife saying that he wanted to bump her off so he could be Howard's wife. Siobhan said all he ever wanted to be was someone's wife. Gary came in and said he stayed over at Jackie's house one time and Jackie had Siobhan stay over. He said he woke up at 2 in the morning because he felt someone looking at him and it turned out to be Siobhan. Gary said he asked him what he was doing and he told him he thought it was the bathroom. Gary and Howard had a couple of other stories they told about Siobhan. Howard and Gary both seemed to find it all kind of creepy but Siobhan thought that some of it was romantic. Howard thanked Siobhan and Helene for coming in to talk to them and then went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered if Howard's daughters have any interest in doing radio. Howard said none of them have shown any interest at all. The caller said they could probably make a ton of money doing that but Howard told the guy they'll have a ton of money already since they'll inherit his money. Howard said he wouldn't want them getting into the business anyway because it's so horrible. He ended up talking about how a local station just fired everyone because their ratings were so low. Howard talked about how much he moved around when he was first starting out. He said he was lucky and that only went on for about 5 years. He said his career was the exception though, not the rule. He said he wasn't bragging about that, he was just lucky enough to have gotten to where he was pretty quick.
Howard mentioned Artie's big development deal that they talked about yesterday. Artie said he got a call from his manager who told him a sitcom called and wanted him to be a guest. He had Howard and Robin guess what it was and Robin got it when she said ''Rock Me Baby'' which is a show about a DJ who has conflicts with his wife and kid and his ''shock jock'' job. Artie said he turned down the offer though. Howard has been talking about how the show sounds like it's a lame rip off of his movie ''Private Parts.''
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him about his daughters and how old they are. Howard told him that his oldest is 20 and then he has a 17 and a 10 year old. The guy asked Howard to hook him up with his 10 year old daughter. Howard hung up on the guy and took a call from a woman who said she wanted to play a trivia game on the show. She told Howard she sent in pictures of herself with Beetlejuice and wanted to get on the show. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to her trying to find out what she looks like. She said she's been mistaken for Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jennifer Love Hewitt. She also told him that she's a house mother who has a 6 year old and a 2 and a half year old. The woman told Howard she sent pictures in but he hadn't seen them. Howard was afraid he was making a mistake but he put her on hold and said they'd have her in.
Howard brought up Dr. Phil's diet book and said that it's ridiculous that he wrote the book because he's still fat. He said it will probably inspire a lot of other people to write books like Michael Jackson will write a book about how to have a normal life, Harvey Firestein will write one about a straight life and stuff like that.
Howard read some other stuff he's seen lately as well. He found a story that was on the web and credited to Robin Williams. The article (Found Here) had a lot of rules that this country would have to keep terrorists out of the country. Howard liked what the article said but Robin didn't think it sounded like something Robin Williams would write.
Howard said he had something for people to try at home. He said you sit on a chair and spin your right foot in a clockwise direction. Then you draw a six in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and no one is able to keep it going in that direction for some reason. Howard said it'll drive you nuts if you try to do it.
Howard said he got a letter from the guy who wrote the movie ''Cabin Fever.'' Eli Roth worked with Howard on ''Private Parts'' as a guy who sat at Howard's door and woke him up in the morning so he could get up early to go to work. Howard read that Eli had a miserable time working that job but Eli wrote him and said he had a great time working for him and the article he read was wrong.
A listener called in and told Howard that Robin Williams did say that stuff he'd just read but it was in his ''Live on Broadway'' show and not something he'd written. The guy also asked to play a game so Howard let him play one where he had to guess what the sound clips were that Fred played. Howard had Fred play one that was ''Andrea, Miss Howard Stern'' saying ''Thank You.'' The guy knew what it was and won $500.
Another caller got to play the same game. Fred played Neil Sedaka saying ''You are ear delicious.'' on American Idol. The caller kind of knew who it was but he wasn't sure about it. Howard ended up giving the guy $500 for his win. That was it for the money they had to give away today. The guy was thrilled and was yelling like a contest winner should do. Howard seemed to really like the guy's reaction to his win. He kept him on for a short time and let him keep going for a little while.
Howard and the guys talked about the new season of ''Survivor'' that was on last night. Howard seems to think they've picked another good group of people for the game. That somehow led to them talking about ''Star Trek Enterprise'' and how they've turned Jolene Blalock's character into a ''space whore'' this season. They soon got back to ''Survivor'' and how some guys got naked on the show last night. Howard said it was really weird because the guy who got naked first was complaining about how his underwear was falling down but he could have avoided it if he'd just folded it over once.
Robin told Howard about a show she went to see last night with Anne Marie and there were 9 guys in the play and every one of them got naked at some point in the show. She said she really wanted one of the guys on stage so Howard and Gary asked her if she got excited and ''squishy'' while she watched it. That led to Howard talking about how his ball sack gets stuck to his leg sometimes and how he has to peel it away sometimes. Robin was saying that some of the guys had sacks that looked kind of strange and long. She said that she got to compare the different penises since there were all kinds of guys up on stage.
Howard asked Robin if Anne Marie got hit on a lot last night when she was out with her. Robin said they didn't run across any guys but Gary has seen guys hit on her before. He said guys just want to give her free stuff and make comments to her as she walks by. Howard said his girlfriend told him that Ethan Hawke ran into her on the street one day and hit on her. Howard said his assistant was the one who brought it up though. He said Beth wasn't even going to tell him about it until his assistant did. Howard said she didn't give him all of the details though so he found that kind of strange.
Gary asked Robin about how many guys she's been with in her life. He was wondering because she was talking about the different penises she saw at that show. Robin wasn't talking numbers but said that she's not a little whore and doesn't sleep with a lot of guys. Howard took a break a short time after that. He found out that this woman Ariana that was supposed to come in, wasn't coming in.
Howard said it was time to find out who was betting on who this weekend for the big BetOnSports.com football pool. Howard first got Daniel Carver from the KKK on the phone. He talked to Daniel about being in the KKK and found out that he's not as high up in the KKK as he used to be. Carver said he got tired of being sued all the time and decided to get out of the position he was in. Howard said that scientists have been trying to create a tube that would transport people to the moon from the planet and asked Daniel if he'd like all of the blacks and Jews put in that tube. Daniel said he'd love if they could create something like that. Howard also wondered why Daniel doesn't have his answering machine going these days. Daniel said that he's been short on money lately and hasn't had an answering machine working for a while. Howard talked to Daniel about his wife and how they met. Daniel said that he got married to his wife when he was only 17. She was 19 at the time. He claims that they waited to have sex until they were married. They only dated a month before getting married. Howard got into Daniel's sex life and tried to get into that with him. Daniel said that if they were going to talk about that stuff, they might as well talk about his racist catalog that costs you three dollars. Daniel also told Howard that he took his DNA test and sent that in. Howard asked him if he would resign from the KKK if they find that he's got some black in him. He said he would resign but he'd also say that the test was wrong. Howard said he and Robin would laugh their asses off if they find that he's got even 1 percent black in him. Howard asked Daniel for his pick in this week's games. He said that Daniel is 1 and 1 so far. Daniel said that he's taking the Tampa Bay Bucaneers.
Gary came in and said they weren't able to get Gary the Retard on the phone so they called his girlfriend, Wendy the Retard, but she seemed to have fallen asleep on the phone so they couldn't talk to her. Gary said they tried calling Gary the Retard earlier and Stuttering John was yelling into the phone trying to wake him up. That didn't work. Wendy the Retard got on the phone and said she was actually in the bathroom, not sleeping. She told them she was taking the Miami Dolphins this week for Gary the Retard.
Sanders the Chicken picked The Texans. KC laughed when he heard that pick. Artie then made his pick and chose the Minnesota Vikings. Howard took a break right after that. Here's a quick rundown of everyone's standings and their picks for this week:
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard did great in that part. He said he'd seen that episode and Howard didn't miss a beat when he was reading it. Howard took a couple of phone calls and got really fed up with it all because people were taking to long to get to their point. A woman said that Howard has a West Coast girlfriend. Howard said he doesn't have one but she insisted that he does. The woman said this woman told her that she has a famous boyfriend whose first name is Howard. Robin wondered if Howard is the only famous Howard. Howard started to play along with it and told the woman she was right and he does have a West Coast girlfriend. He eventually told the woman to get off the phone and called her a crackpot.
Howard had Robin start her news but also read some stories from the National Enquirer since Mike Walker didn't call in this week. He went through a couple of stories and found that they ripped off a couple of them directly from his show but didn't give them credit. Howard said they had a story about Richard Belzer and some other stuff that obviously came from his show and he didn't get credit for them. He then let Robin start her news.
During the news Howard found a story about how they're trying to ban lap dancing up in Connecticut. They're taking Los Angeles' lead in that ban and Howard thinks it's just wrong. He said that he wants to do something about it and wants Gary to find out who is supporting that ban so they can start e-mailing them and calling them to try and put a stop to it.