|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started off the show wondering where Robin was. He figured she must be off gathering news. Howard said Artie was there and he was out in California over the weekend. Howard also said he heard that Robin was wearing a hot dress today. He said he likes that and said that they don't need a sloppy chick on the show.
Howard took a call from a caller who asked if there's any reason that the gas prices are going down because Bush is a lame duck. Howard said the guy's question on the computer screen looked better than it was when he actually asked it.
Howard said that they started to go down before Bush became the lame duck. He doesn't think it's that obvious. Howard had to bail out on the caller.
Howard said that Artie's book signing over the weekend was tied in with a radio show that JD did. Artie said there were a ton of hot chicks at the book signing and Ryan Philippe was there trying to help get JD laid and he just wasn't getting it. Howard said he just doesn't have a good personality. JD came in and Howard said that JD should have been able to do get something.
JD said that people were hooting at him on line so that's what the hot chicks were hearing. Artie said that means that they know who he is though. JD said it wasn't helping him out. He said the chick who said she wanted to have his baby was an older woman and she didn't look that good. JD also said that he thinks that he's like the Clay Aiken of the show because the women who like him are older.
Howard said that maybe they could call JD fans ''J-Mates'' like the Clay Aiken fans are called ''Clay Mates.''
Howard said JD had an hour long show from the book signing. He said that he suggested JD as the host of the show out there because he wanted to see what he would do with an hour long show. Howard said Steve Langford was there and tried to save him though.
Howard played some audio of JD trying to put his best foot forward in front of the hot chicks. JD said that he wanted to kill himself around that time. JD was freaking out when he was overwhelmed with stuff. He was saying that he had people talking to him there and Steve talking to him so he didn't know what was going on. JD was asking Steve to talk while he was under pressure there doing other stuff.
Robin asked what was going on. JD told Robin that he had Steve talking to him and people asking him for autographs and stuff because they were in the middle of the store. Artie said that it was really crowded in there too so they were all crammed in and it was probably a fire hazard.
JD said he had no prep time to get ready for the show. He said they just told him that he was going to talk to the fans in line. JD said you can only ask the same question over and over again before it gets old. Howard told him he should have had some kind of plan for what he was going to do. JD said he had no plan. Howard didn't seem that surprised by that.
A caller said the show as terrible and it was a mess. Howard said that was the idea of the show. They kind of knew that JD was going to be a train wreck.
Howard told JD that he should have asked people where they were from, what kind of books they read, if they're fans of Artie's and things like that. He tried to interview JD that way but even JD was tough as an interview.
The caller said that Artie was kind of mellow and laid back on the shows he was on last week. He said he hopes that he's not on anything. Howard said Artie isn't on anything.
Howard played another clip where JD was interviewing a fan on line. The guy said he was going to have Artie sign his tits. JD didn't seem to know where to go after that. Another guy told JD he loves him. JD thanked him for that and then giggled. JD got a note telling him to promote a news report that Steve did with Artie.
Howard said he thinks JD needs more time on the air. He played another clip where a woman asked JD to sign ''whatever'' and his name JD for her. Steve was trying to do a little stuff while that was going on. Steve said there are 196,000 copies of the book printed but JD was distracted by what was going on around him. Steve asked JD to work with him but it wasn't really happening.
Howard said there was a guy on the phone who suggested they play the Napoleon Dynamite clips. Fred said he would do that but they were in the middle of some good stuff. Howard also told him to play some Eric the Midget song parodies that he used to play. Howard said Fred kind of gets on a kick with stuff and then stops playing them for a while. Fred figured that Howard didn't get much sleep last night because he seemed kind of crabby. Howard said he didn't get much sleep.
Howard said he likes that clip where JD freaked out in the first clip. Howard played that again and then wrapped up with JD after that.
Howard read some stuff about Einstein and the outfit he used to wear as his ''uniform.'' The guy didn't put any thought into what he wore because he didn't want to be bothered by that stuff. Howard said that JD is kind of the same way in the way he dresses and the way he poses for pictures and stuff. Maybe JD does that for a reason.
Howard said he read that Einstein was actually a clerk in a patent office when he was younger and he thought that he was a failure around that time. He said he's got to watch this special. It's tonight on the History Channel at 9pm.
Artie said there's another special called ''The Einstein Letter'' that's on this week too. He told the guys what that was about and they ended up goofing on JD again around that time. Artie said that they managed to split the atom and they had to get Einstein to sign this letter proving that they could make it happen so they could get Roosevelt to pay attention to what they actually accomplished.
The guys were comparing the caller to JD and Fred was doing his impression of the caller as if he were JD. Howard ended up correcting the guy on the way he said ''differentiate'' and some stuff like that. The caller asked why they have to put up with advertising on satellite radio when they're probably a billion dollar company. Artie said they lose about a billion a year.
Howard said that he doesn't want to take a break other than when he has to pee. He said he just works there too. He can't help it if they have commercials there on the talk stations. Howard said they can do whatever they want there. Howard said the great thing is that they don't need a lot of commercials. They have to pay for the talk talent more than they do the music so that's why they have to take the ads.
The caller asked Howard what he would do if he was forced to have sex with another couple. Howard said that he can kill his family before he'd do that. Howard said he has no desire to let another guy fuck his wife. Howard said that he doesn't even have an answer for the guy. Howard said he wondered why he had to answer this guy's question. Robin and Fred told him he didn't have to. Howard said he just wants to go home.
Howard thought about it for a little longer and couldn't come up with anyone he wanted to swing with. Then he just threw out Fred and Alison's name. Howard said the caller was deadly to the show so he hung up on him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he heard they let Wood Yi (Steve the engineer) from K-Rock go. Howard said they just fired him. He had been there for a really long time. The guy said he heard that Steve had 7 weeks of sick days saved up over there and they're not going to give him any of that.
Howard said that since they left it was nothing short of a nuclear bomb going off in that company. Howard said they can blame David Lee Roth and Opie and Anthony for not being able to help them make a dime over there. Howard said the whole thing just imploded when they left. Howard said he's kind of sad about that because there were a lot of great people they worked with over there. Howard said Tom Chiusano is gone, Steve is gone and so is Nancy the receptionist. Howard said they loved Wood Yi over there so it's very sad that they let him go.
Howard said he had some Wood Yi clips to play. He played a song parody he sang called ''Sushi Smells'' to the tune of Jingle Bells.
Howard said Scott the Engineer must know what's going on with him. He said that Scott worked with Steve over there for many years. Scott said he spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and he didn't know that they actually let him go. He was supposed to have just 2 more years before his retirement. Scott said they offered him a buy out but Steve didn't accept it because it wasn't acceptable. Scott said he's been saying that for the past 40 years though.
Gary said he spoke to him for about 15 minutes this weekend. Gary said he was at Jackson's football game when he got the call. Gary said he's working on a book and he asked him to write a chapter for him. Howard said he kind of likes that idea to have other people write chapters for him. Gary said that is an interesting idea, he didn't think about that.
Gary said he feels really bad about Steve getting fired. Gary said he asked Steve about being in the union and he had a funny line about how one person apparently isn't a union. Gary said that there are a couple of people who are still there but they keep piling work on those people. He said that Jodi is still the marketing person over there but now she's in charge of like 7 stations.
Gary said Steve told him that they're totally available for them. Howard said that's great and they'll take advantage of that. Gary said he wants to do voice stuff. Howard said that's great, they can use him for that.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to an auto repair shop using clips of Wood Yi. They had him going off on the guy at the shop and getting the guy there pissed off.
Howard said that was some great Wood Yi stuff there. He said he had a lot more Wood Yi stuff but he's not sure how much they want to hear. Robin said she was kind of missing Wood Yi. Howard then played a Jack and Rod show bit where they used Wood Yi in an interview with the author of a book about Halloween. Wood Yi was playing the part of Woody Jackson, a guy who was getting out of prison and getting ready to open up his own haunted house. The guy on the phone went along with everything so Robin said they should be looking for that guy.
Howard said that Paul McCartney is saying that they have a Beatles track that they never put out. It's a 14 minute track that they recorded back in 1967 but now he has to get permission from Yoko Ono and Ringo Starr to let it be released. Howard read what they describe the song as being and it sounds like it's going to be nothing with just a bunch of noise. Robin said it sounds like it's going to be like one of those avant garde songs that they've played on the show.
The guys talked about the Beatles and how Ringo was left out of some stuff back in those days. Howard said that they gave him a full quarter cut back then too. Howard said it makes you wonder why they did that. Howard said he thinks that Bon Jovi is set up differently and Jon is the one making the big money and the rest of them are hired by Jon to work in the band.
Artie was talking about what he's read about The Beatles and why they got rid of Pete Best. He said they said that he wasn't good enough and they had to find a better drummer. The guys talked about that for a short time.
Howard played some Avant Garde music that they've played on the show before and said that's what he thinks the Beatles song is going to sound like. He and the guys once tried coming up with their own Avant Garde song in the studio so Fred found that and played it. It was titled ''Beat.'' Richard was on drums and Fred was throwing in a bunch of sound clips while Gary played his trumpet.
Then Fred played their song ''The Knitting Factory'' which was another mess of a ''song'' that they created in the studio. Howard said that one was too musical for him. Fred said he had a couple more called ''Home 1'' and ''Home 2.'' He played those and Howard said he thinks that some of the guys were playing Home 2 during Home 1. Howard had Fred play Home 2 after that. He said they almost had enough tracks to put together an EP to put out.
Howard said he'd like to see if her chick is hot. He wondered if she's with a big fat white chick because that's what he pictures. He said that hard core lesbians are attracted to a whole different thing. Howard said he thinks that some hot looking lesbians want manly looking women. He said that's what he thinks about Portia DeRossi and Ellen Degeneres. He said they appear to be ''real lesbians'' to him.
Howard played more of the Wanda Sykes thing where she was talking about how proud she was to be gay and how they had to go and get their equal rights. Artie said she's a really funny comedian too.
Howard said the movie was really depressing to him. He said that Jeff is a great actor but he didn't know why he was watching it. Howard said he can't even look at his dog the same way after watching this thing.
Howard said he stayed with the whole movie but it was disturbing as all hell. He thought it was going to be good but it wasn't. Howard said he rented the movie Heat with Robert De Niro and Al Pacino. Howard said he forgot that he had seen it before. The movie was so long they had to put it on a double disc. The first time he got the movie it was cracked. Then he got another copy and it kept freezing in places.
Howard said that people don't treat that stuff very well and he figured someone must have whacked off on it or something. Howard said there was one disc that had pieces of something on it like maybe corn. He scraped it off with his finger and wondered why he would do something like that.
Howard said he's not going to report the issue to Netflix, he just sent the defective disc back. Robin said she never got into that service. Howard said he likes it but Ralph was the one who got him into it. Howard said the disc was probably at Siobhan's apartment or something before it got to him.
Artie said that he likes that movie ''Heat'' and watches it whenever it comes on TV. He said that it really is a ''guy movie'' though.
Howard said they should rent his next movie and get the disc tested to see what kind of crap is on the disc. Howard said he saw another movie where Kevin Costner is the coach to Ashton Kutcher. He said he has that one right now but he has no desire to watch it. The guys talked about how anything with Ashton Kutcher sucks. Robin said she thinks she may have seen that movie and it sucks from what she remembers.
Fred said that the movie ''Adam Resurrected'' was directed by the same guy that did ''Taxi Driver'' and ''Raging Bull.'' Howard said that the movie was really awful and he threw it out after seeing it.
Robin said there's some movie coming out where the Jews actually fight against the Nazis. Howard said that only in Hollywood would that happen. They spent a couple of minutes on that.
Howard talked more about the ''Adam Resurrected'' and how bad it was. He said that they sent it to him to watch as an Oscar nominee movie. He said he didn't destroy it so he might have to give it to Robin to watch. Howard said he told his mother about it and asked if she wanted to see it. She asked him why he'd send it to her because she has no desire to see such negativity. Howard said he told her he threw it in the garbage so she didn't have to worry. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said he got a picture from Gary of their family going and getting two kittens from the North Shore Animal League. He said that Beth was very happy about that. Howard said that they were told how to get the pets used to each other so the cats wouldn't be in the same room with their dog. Howard said that most dogs ignore cats from what he's heard. Gary said they're going to let them see each other tonight from separate rooms.
Gary said that there are so many animals at those places and it's really sad. They have a lot of adult dogs. Howard said they may adopt another dog eventually but they'll get an adult dog because they're already trained. Gary said that Scott DePace got a new dog already after his died last week. Gary said Scott got a Golden Retriever.
Gary said they suggest getting pairs of cats so they can keep each other busy. Artie said to Gary ''Cats, a Mets fan... ooof!''
Howard said they were going to get to some guests this morning. They have Sam Tripoly coming in to do his show tonight on Howard 101 for the ''I What To Be Howard Stern'' contest. They have a new Miss Howard TV coming in and she likes to get naked so that should be good. The guys put up a shot of her and got quite a reaction from that.
Howard didn't go to the party but Lisa thought he was there. Howard said that Robin is really bad at strip clubs. Robin said that's why she didn't go there. Howard said that Lisa almost freaked out when she saw the Miss Howard TV picture. Lisa said that's because the boobs looked very fake to her, like two basketballs on her chest. Howard said there's nothing wrong with that.
Lisa said she has been to Rick's but she's very sensitive to perfume and it's very strong there. Howard said that Robin was really freaked out after she went to a strip club. Robin said she had to try and get those images out of her mind. She said it was tough to get them out of there.
Howard said it's funny that Lisa didn't show up to the event that Beth invited her to. Lisa said that's because she was invited the day before and she had something else she had committed to.
Lisa said that Sal was kind of out of control at Ronnie's party. She said that he was doing wrestling moves with one of the strippers.
Lisa said that Lisa Lampanelli is writing a book now. Lisa talked about what she spoke to Lampanelli about. She also said that they have some more on Gary's ''Ree-Sees'' mistake last week and how they checked into the correct pronunciation of the word. Howard asked Sal where the new song parody was that he was supposed to have put up. Sal came in and went off on Howard saying that he just got there because his train showed up late.
Howard said that he thinks Sal missed his train because he was running late. Sal swore on his family that he wasn't late though. He said he'd even bet him $5,000.
Sal also said that he wasn't wrestling anyone at Ricks. He said a girl kind of tied him up and he had to get out of it, that's all he did. The guys weren't able to figure out where the new bit was so they told Sal to go put it up on the screen again.
Howard said he told Sal to put it up for him first thing this morning and he can't even do that. That led to Fred playing the ''Sal is a Homo'' song parody. Howard said now it's a build up to nothing now that he's made such a big deal out of it.
Gary told Howard where the clip was and said that Sal misspelled the name of the song. Howard played the clip and it was the wrong one. Sal didn't know what he was talking about because he had missed his e-mail last night. Sal said he didn't see it and he wasn't able to check it this morning. Gary said Sal spelled the name of the song ''Reesees'' but Sal said he spelled it like that because that's the way Gary said it.
Howard said that Sal is an idiot because he told him to put up this new song this morning and he didn't have a clue. Howard said Richard had his clips up by 5:30 this morning. Howard said he wonders what's wrong with him and why he doesn't know what his staff is up to. Howard said he gave Sal one thing to do and he can't even get that done. Howard said Richard is his go to guy now.
Howard said he has to learn how to manage his people better. Howard asked Sal where the song was. It still wasn't up yet and Sal was busy downloading it so he could put it up on the screen.
Gary said the funny thing is that Sal is mad at Howard now. He's all pissed off that he's getting yelled at. Howard said he told Sal last night that he wanted it up this morning. Sal keeps saying that it's because of the train that he didn't check his e-mail. Howard said Sal is probably busy checking his wife's e-mail instead.
Gary said that Sal was on PissMops.com instead of checking his mail. That led to Howard talking about some of the gross stuff that's on the web and how the guys told him to watch this mud wrestling clip where these people wrestle and then start fucking. Richard was the one who told him about that clip and it wasn't worth sticking through. It was a German movie and Howard played some of the audio from that. Howard said the two people were really vile looking.
Artie was doing an impression of Richard doing his Ethel character so that led to Howard playing a new prank call Richard made in that character. Richard said that a listener gave him this number to call because the guy gets really pissed. Howard played the call and Richard asked the guy to check his guest list to find his friend Akimbe Mombuangie. Richard asked him to check some other names but the guy got pissed and hung up on him. Richard called back and told him not to hang up on an old lady like that. The guy kept hanging up on him. Richard kept throwing names out there and the guy kept saying that person wasn't there. Then Richard kept giving the guy room numbers saying that his friend was in there. The guy kept getting pissed and hanging up.
Sal finally got the song up on the computer for Howard. Howard played it and it was a new Mike Morse song about Gary's latest screw up. He sang about the ''Ree-Sees'' screw up to the tune of ''Take it Easy.''
Sal said that's his first screw up in 5 years since he got there. Howard said that he hopes it's the last screw up.
Howard said he thinks that this screw up is going to keep them from getting into the Radio Hall of Fame because the time was too long between when he needed the song and when he actually got it. Artie said the heard that there was an award for the ''funniest minute'' of radio this year and Maria Malito won it. Howard said that sounded familiar and he wondered if they ever played it. Howard said he loves Maria but he didn't remember that minute being that funny.
Howard had another voice mail from Richard's father where he talks about this carcass that was in their bar during the shoot of the Wack Pack at the Christy Farm special. In the clip Mr. Christy said that they put the raccoon carcass in the chicken coup so they can peck away at the bones to get rid of all of the meat.
Howard said that on one of the specials Mr. Christy shot a squirrel from really far away. He said he got him in the head when he shot him so they could eat the meat. Howard said that it's weird that the chickens were eating the raccoon carcass. Howard said that whole thing is weird that they have the chickens eat the carcass and then they eat the chickens. There's a whole disturbing circle of life there.
Richard said his dad is amazing with his eyesight. He said he can pick out deer from like 2 miles away and quail from half a mile away. Howard did his impression of Richard's dad talking about how he's in something like The Matrix in the way he can do things. Robin did her impression of Mr. Christy and said that he's ''The One.''
Howard said he and Beth had sex twice in one day this weekend. He said that's rare for a couple that's been together for 8 years.
Artie said he got a Viagra this weekend and tried it out with this chick he hooked up with out in L.A. He said that a friend gave it to him and he was kind of scared to take it. Artie said he had been together with the chick earlier in the day so he saved it for later on. Artie said he took it and thought the sex was way better with it. He said he took it about 20 minutes before they started fooling around.
Howard said that maybe it's just being with a new girl that made it so much better. Artie said he's been with that chick before though so it wasn't like that. Artie said that he had no problem putting his condom on because it was so hard down there. Artie said he was hard for a good hour after sex. Artie said she gave him oral for a while after that.
Howard asked Artie about it not going down. Artie said it just stayed up for the full hour. Howard wondered what he does when he has to get up and walk around. Artie said he wouldn't do it with someone new because they ended up having a discussion about it while he was still hard.
Howard said the it must have been pretty disgusting. Artie said he took a shower after he came the first time. They were fucking around in the shower and stuff too. Artie said he told the chick that, after they had sex, they shouldn't waste it and maybe keep going in the shower. Artie said he was able to finish again but it took a really long time. Artie said he almost said ''let's forget this.''
Howard said that if blow jobs take too long he just bails out on them. Artie said he's kind of in that camp. Sometimes they're not that great and they're not worth it. Howard said that there are some women who can get it right but not a lot. He said that if they can't get it right they're really not into it.
Artie said that he was trying to think if he would do it again. He said that he would only do it with someone he knew. He said it really did extend the sex longer than it would have been usually. Howard said he'd be afraid of the hard on lasting too long and he'd have to go to the hospital with that.
Artie said that this hard on was something like he'd never had before. He said he's heard Bubba talking about this stuff and he's got a whole concoction of stuff he does to get hard. Howard said he's a young guy and he wonders why he would need that stuff. Robin said that's what his doctor tells him to do so that's why he does it.
Artie said the chick had to blow him for a really long time. He's not sure how long it lasted though. Howard asked how hot this chick was. Artie said she's an L.A. 8 and a Jersey 9. Howard asked what Kate Hudson would be out there. Artie said she's hotter than Kate Hudson to him. He said Kate isn't his type though.
Artie said she's the type of chick that's like Dana. He said he hates to say that but that's the only type that seems to say yes. Artie said that he actually met this chick in Jersey. Artie said she was kind of Marissa Tomei looking. That led to Artie talking about how great Marissa looked in ''Before the Devil Knows You're Dead.''
Howard said that he wants Robin to go out and buy him like 10 good movies he should be watching. Robin said she would do that. She said that ''Before the Devil Knows You're Dead'' is a great one. Howard said he's going to put that one on his Netflix list. He had to go to break after that.
Howard listened to the song for a short time and said that the Rhianna chick sounds good but he's not sure what the rest of the people are doing in the song. He said he'd like the guy in there to shut up.
Howard had the new Miss Howard TV come in after that. Her name is Diamanti Damons. Howard said she looks like she's been working out a little bit. She said she has. Diamanti said she works out just about every day of the week. She said she does a lot of cardio so she's on the treadmill and stuff like that.
Howard said Diamanti has abs like they haven't seen in a while. He also said she's got the huge pontoons up on top. Howard asked her if they could see her naked because she does claim to be a stripper. She said that she just got there. Howard told her there's no better time. He asked her to just show them her pontoons. Howard said that Lisa G was disgusted by how big they were but he likes them. Diamanti said they're not for everyone.
Howard asked about what kind of implants they were. She said that they're silicone and they're called cohesive gels.
Howard asked Diamanti about her name and found out it's not her real one of course. She said that her real name is very European. Howard said that Diamanti was working in the corporate world but she freaked out and ended up running off with a guy who wrote a sex book and got into the stripping thing. Diamanti said the marriage was failing and they had been together for a total of about 5 years. She said that she wanted to spice things up so she found this book called ''The Penis Diet.''
Diamanti said she's into alternative foods and stuff and that's how she found the book. She said she sent an e-mail to the web site and the author responded to her. The marriage fell apart a couple of months later and the author had checked up on her around that time. She said that the book is for men and it's about what men can do to care for their penis as they get older.
Howard found out that Diamanti lost her virginity at 15. She said she lost it to an 18 year old in a car. Howard read that her dad used to give her advice about guys. She said that he used to tell her that when a guy has his head in the pussy he can't think straight. She said he'd do that with a heavy Greek accent though so it was pretty funny. He also used to tell her not to play too much with her pants down.
Howard said Diamanti masturbates a lot too. She said that it's probably every day. She also enjoys anal. Diamanti said she loves it. She said that she would choose that over traditional sex too. She said she's more turned on the dirtier the sex is.
Howard read that Diamanti has yet to turn down anything in bed. She claims that she has eaten a guy's ass. She said that when she's in the moment she's really into it. Diamanti said she'll turn a guy over and go in from behind to get into his ass. Howard said that's kind of hot and dirty but he'd probably be into it if that happened with this chick.
Howard said Diamanti has had sex with probably about 50 guys. She said she stopped counting at 30. She said she doesn't just take guys home and eat their ass. She said she'll get to know them first. Fred kept playing some fart sounds as that was playing.
Howard read that Diamanti likes to strap one on too and she's done guys and girls that way. She also likes to be tied up on a cross. Diamanti said she does like to be tied up. Howard said this is a great girl and he loves to tie up a chick like that. He said he's tied chicks up to beds and spread their legs.
Diamanti said she has been tied to this cross she has in her place. She said that she can be tied on forward or backward. Howard asked what the guy would do to her on the cross. She said that her boyfriend is really creative when it comes to that stuff. Howard said he's creative too but Beth won't him get creative with her.
Howard said he'd like to see this guy tie her up and do this. She said she has the cross at home under her bed. She said it folds up so people don't know what it is.
Diamanti said that she will get spanked and stuff like that when she's tied up. She said she likes to push the limits with that stuff so he'll spank her really hard. She said she once got lashed so hard that she turned to him like she was in the Exorcist and told him to stop.
Diamanti said that she gets wet when she ties up her boyfriend and does stuff to him. She said she'll tease and tickle him and do stuff like that. She said she has stuck her finger up his ass before too. Howard said he'd be into doing that stuff with her. He said he's not sure he'd like the stuff up his ass but the other stuff sounds good.
Howard asked how often she's on the cross. She said it's probably a couple of times a week or so. She said they do all sorts of stuff while she's tied up. Howard asked if she's been peed on. She said she has done that. She said when she's in the zone she's into a lot of different things that she wouldn't usually be into.
Diamanti said that she hasn't been shit on yet but she'll keep them posted. Diamanti said she has had guys request that she pee on guys and stuff. She said that she's done that.
Diamanti said she did a Boston cream donut thing one time. She said that a guy squeezed a donut into her and then ate it out of her. Howard thought she was saying that she had custard inside of her.
Diamanti talked about going to these ''lifestyle'' parties where people hook up with other people. She said there are a lot of these parties around the New Jersey area. She said that the women take care of themselves in those parties so there are a lot of hot chicks at them. She said the parties are pretty tasteful.
Howard asked how many people will be there. Diamanti said that there can be a couple hundred there. She said a lot of people already know each other because they all go to the same parties. She said the couples hang out and you make friends and kind of double date. Diamanti said she has gone out with some of the couples and partied quite a bit. She said that she'll get it on with the other women. She said they once had 6 people in the room at the same time. Diamanti said the first time she just wanted to go and watch. The other people were cool with that so she went and ended up getting involved. She said that it wasn't full blown sex at the time but she was giving oral to the other chicks.
Howard said this girl sounds like a party. He said he had to see this guy that she was there with. Diamanti told them that he's actually hotter than she is. Artie said there's no way that's true.
Howard asked if the boyfriend films her on the cross. She said that they do that. Howard said he'd love to see this guy do some stuff to her on the cross. She said she would have brought it if they had asked her to. Howard said he hopes that her father doesn't know what she's up to. She said she did pass away so he doesn't know.
Howard said Artie would be into partying with this chick. Artie said that he has been to this club she mentioned called the Brass Rail. They have totally nude dancers up there. Howard asked Diamanti to strip off her bottoms since she's used to being totally naked. She took her pants off and she was totally shaved down there. Howard said there was no problem with this chick.
Howard had the guys bring in Diamanit's boyfriend Damon. He came in and the guys didn't sound too impressed. Howard asked him to spank her a little bit for them. Damon went right ahead and did that. Howard said he can see why she likes that stuff.
Howard asked about Damon eating her ass and stuff. Damon said it's a wonderful thing. Howard asked what kind of other wild stuff they do. Diamanti said she doesn't make him do anything he's not comfortable doing. Howard said he kind of likes it when a chick forces you to do stuff. Damon said she'll get in there pretty deep when she's using her tongue. She stuck her tongue out and Artie sounded shocked when he saw how long it was. Damon said it was kind of Gene Simmons like.
Diamanti said she's kind of aggressive sexually. She said she has used a strap-on with girls but not with Damon. Damon said they have to save something for marriage.
Howard asked Damon if she banged him right away. He said it was actually a couple of months. He said he didn't want to be with her right away and wanted to be friends with her first. Fred threw in the Iron Sheik ''Fuckin' Faggot'' clip right around that time.
Diamanti said they got to know each other as friends first. Damon told her that he could get pussy right around the corner if he wanted and he wanted to make sure this was going to work first because they didn't live very close.
Howard asked Diamanti if she could pick her boyfriend out of a line up if they had 3 guys asses there to sniff. She didn't sound like she was into it. Fred kept playing some juicy fart sounds as they were talking about that. Damon didn't sound like he was ready to do it. Diamanti said she didn't think she wanted to do it.
Howard said he can't think of a time he was prouder of a Miss Howard TV. He said that she's the definition of Miss Howard TV and gave her some applause. Howard told Damon he won't find another chick like this so he'd better marry her.
Howard said he'd like to hang her from the cross and hang that from the Sirius building. She said she would actually do it.
Howard gave some plugs to the two of them. Diamanti said that you can check her out at PussyCatPrincess.com. Damon got in a plug for his book ''The Penis Diet: 'A Comprehensive Wellness Plan for Man's Most Prized Possession''' too.
Howard asked Diamanti if she wanted to try out the Sybian before she left. She was up for it so Howard had the guys set that up. Howard asked her to be as descriptive as possible while she was riding it. Howard also had Gary put on his mask while he controlled it.
Diamanti was talking about how it felt kind of like the Magic Wand which she has. Howard had Gary turn up the power and she had Gary stop at a certain level because it felt so good. She said it felt like she had a rabbit vibrator on her clit and in her pussy at the same time. She started to moan and kept asking for more power. She was quivering and cursing up a storm as she rode it. She finished after a minute or two and was shaking and her voice was quivering after she as done. She said she needs one of those at home. Damon said he's going to go broke with her wanting one of these things.
Howard said that Jenna Jameson was shaking when she got off of that thing. He told Diamanti that they'll be looking forward to seeing that on Howard TV. Artie said it was unbelievable as he was stuffing his face with food. Howard thought Robin loved it. He gave them some more plugs and then went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about the Sybian rides and how Fred always disappears during them. Howard asked Fred if he has a moral thing going on. Fred said he had to leave to talk to Scott about something and he has no moral problem with it at all. Fred said he had an idea for a contest they have coming up for JD. He said he just wanted to talk to Scott about that. Fred said that he doesn't leave during all of the Sybian rides, just some.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to know when that girl is going to be on Howard TV. Howard said it'll probably be tomorrow night.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that's the way the Sybian ''should be rode.'' Howard thanked him and quickly moved on to another call. The next guy said he just drove into a ditch after hearing that segment. Howard said he wants to know if that's true. The guy claimed he was on Rt. 80 in New Jersey if he wanted to check.
Howard said he heard that Bob Levy had his fight over the weekend. He heard that they wouldn't let Bob fight John Wayne Bobbit because John's blood pressure was too high. He also heard that Beetlejuice won his fight even though he obviously didn't win. Howard said that was obviously fixed form what he heard. He said that if they're going to fake it then they should have him fight a 6'9'' tall guy instead. Artie said that Jose Canseco would probably be willing to do it at this point.
Howard asked Gary what he thinks went on at this fight. Sal came in and explained it since he was there. Sal said it was real because Bobbit had high blood pressure and they put in a back up boxer instead. Sal said he thought that it was fixed but he spoke to Bob after the fight and it definitely wasn't fixed.
Gary came in and said that Sal just talked to him out in the office and he wasn't saying what he said out there.
Gary said that the guy that Levy fought was clearly a fighter earlier in the night but when Levy was fighting him it looked like it was being put on. The Howard TV guys had video of the fight and Robin said it looked like the WWE. Artie said that it did look awful. Gary said that if the fight was fixed, Bob might be the only guy who ever got a black eye in a fixed fight. Sal said he also pulled his shoulder out.
Artie asked what's going on with that guy and why he'd want to fix a fight like that. Howard said that he might think it's making him bigger than he is but that's not what's actually happening. Robin said she was under the impression that he was never going to fight Bobbit. Gary said that the other fighter was there to fight someone else and he didn't look the same when he was fighting that other guy.
Howard said the best fight of the night was back stage from what he heard. He heard that Beetle's manager, Bobby Rooney, was back stage and somehow he got into a fight or something. Gary said that there was something going on with Double A back stage and the owner of the place was yelling at him and Bobby Rooney came out and asked to see what's going on. Then some guy sucker punched Bobby and decked the guy.
The Howard TV guys were there so they had video of the fight. The guys watched that fight and Bobby got up and took a swing at the guy who took him down. Howard said that was a good fight there. He said he'd put $500 on that fight.
Howard said that Bobby got totally sucker punched. Sal said he had his nose open and Bobby hit the other guy and put a 2 inch gash on the other guy. Howard asked why the other guy hit Bobby. Sal said that guy was hired for security at that place. Sal said Bobby knocked that other guy in the face and split it open.
Gary said they had to watch some of the video of Beetlejuice and Dominic fighting. Dominic was wailing all over Beet and then Beet takes one punch and knocks Dominic out. Howard asked when this is going to be on Howard TV. Doug said it should be up tomorrow night. They're going to try and put all of this stuff up.
Howard asked if they have a career in radio or what. They said that they do stand-up. Howard said they were on XM to do a segment with their friend over at XM. That guy isn't there anymore. They were doing it for the National Lampoon channel.
Howard said these guys are getting their shot tonight to do their own hour long show. He said they're up against Dante (Howard called him Damien) and Ham Hands Bill. Howard said that Dante got his shot and Ham Hands had his shot last week. Howard said they were entertaining in their own way. These guys have a game plan for their show and have some guests lined up. They have Joe Rogan calling in to talk about the UFC.
Howard said that Joe doesn't do their show anymore so it's nice that they got him for their show. Howard said that he thinks Joe took offense to something they said about him on the show and he feels bad about that because he likes the guy. He said he has no desire to piss Joe off though.
Sam said that they have a Vivid Video Girl calling in too. He said she'll be telling a sex story. They're also working on one more guest but he's not set yet. They said that they hope to get him on but he's not set yet.
Howard asked if the guys have ever done shows with Artie before. They said they've never really run across him. Sam said he has followed Artie at Beecher's Madhouse out in Vegas though. Sam said that he went up to do his thing after Paris Hilton was on stage and he ended up getting booed within like 2 seconds.
Howard spent a little more time with the guys and said they seem very confident. He said that they're up for this $5,000 prize that's coming from Klondike bars. The guys said that they're going for it and swinging for greatness. Their show will be on at 7pm on Howard 101 tonight.
Howard gave the guys some plugs and said that they're going to take votes over the internet to pick the winner. Howard said that he and the guys in the studio will also be voting. Howard said that they may or may not give Benjy a vote.
Howard asked how they're going to split the money. The two of them were still arguing about it so it wasn't clear if they were going to split it 50/50. Sam said that he sent the tape in so he should get more. Nader said that he didn't know that he sent it in without his name on it.
Howard said it sounds like they haven't settled the whole thing. Sam said that they have to pay some other people too so he'll be throwing some of that money to other people. That's if they win.
Howard said that they may be looking at $4500 then. Sam said that maybe 2 grand to Nader. He said he'll go down the middle somewhere.
Artie said he thinks that Nader should not come in tonight and strike if he's not going to split it 50/50. Sam said that the show must go on and he'll just go for it by himself.
Sam said that he thinks that he was on Howard's show many years ago. He said that he was at the press conference that Dennis Rodman cried at. Sam said he and a friend snuck into the press conference and he noticed that he was just with Dennis as he walked in. He said that went upstairs with them and just ate the free food there.
Sam said he thinks that he asked the question that made Dennis cry. He said that he just yelled out a question that was ''Do you think you're going to start for the Lakers?'' and he started crying a few seconds later. He said he started high fiving people after that. Fred said he had the clip so he played what he had. He didn't have the question but he did have Dennis crying.
Howard gave the guys some advice telling them to just have a good time with the show tonight and just relax. They went to break a short time later.
Artie said he did Adam Carolla's show out in L.A. Howard asked how that went. Artie said it went really well but he forgets about how Howard just does his thing the way he wants. Adam sticks to the format and does commercials every few minutes. He said he found himself rushing through stories on that show. Howard said that was his problem back on terrestrial radio. He said he wasn't good at spacing things out and that's why he's glad he's out of there.
Howard said he and terrestrial radio just don't mix. He's so much happier there. Howard said Bubba has to be having a hard time doing both.
Howard said he got Benjy's craigslist listing. Benjy told him that's really not him. He said that someone posted it on SFN and it's really not him even though it had his picture. Howard said that it was really lame and he would have read it if it was really Benjy.
Howard said Richie Wilson sent him a clip from the web where she's dancing in her bedroom and ends up smacking her foot into a mirror and knocks herself out. He gave out the web site, wimp.com/camdance, and then watched it in the studio. Howard said he had to watch it a couple of times after seeing it. Howard said it's funnier with the sound and they didn't have it in there.
Howard read through some e-mail he got about the Mitch Mitchell thing they did last week. He said some people didn't like John Stamos as a guest. He said some people think he's a homo and wants to suck John's dick. He had a bunch of e-mails like that from the fans. Howard said he thought John was fun to hang out with and to talk to about his career.
Howard read some mail about Bob Levy, Stephen Baldwin and Michael Lohan interviews and stuff like that. The guys talked about how wild the Baldwin thing was. They said that he's actually gotten better since the whole bible thing hit Stephen.
There was one person who wrote in about Robin banning Jim Florentine from the show. Howard said Robin didn't say anything about banning him from the show. Robin said she didn't say anything about that.
Artie said that she made the mistake of telling the stage manager that she was afraid of him. That led to him goofing on her during the interview. Artie said he kept piling shit on top of Candace and the crowd was on his side in the whole thing. He said she was startled to say the least. He said they actually cut a lot out of the interview.
Artie said he didn't end up hanging with T-Pain out there. He said that they did exchange texting information and stuff but he never heard from him that night. Artie said he asked Candace if she was into the Stern Show. Artie said she said that it was okay so he responded saying that at least their fans can get married in California.
Howard saw some pictures from the book signing out there and saw a hot chick hanging out with Artie. Artie said he wanted it to look like there was a Harem around him. Artie said Sandi Taylor showed up and gave him a hug there. He said she texted him something about him smelling good. He thought that was weird. Howard said that's nice. Howard said maybe she wants him. Artie said she's a great hugger because she's got air bags on the front of her and she hugs really hard. Howard said they're real too and he knows it. He said she told him that and he believed her. Artie said he had a great trip out there in L.A.
Steve said that Benjy was in court the other day after he was charged with disorderly conduct a couple of months ago. The judge dismissed the case. Benjy said the judge just dismissed it. He said Dominic wanted him to make a whole big deal out of it but he decided not to do that. Benjy said he appreciates Dominic's offer though.
Benjy said that everyone that was there got dropped down to what he was charged with. He said he lucked out and got it dismissed. Steve said Benjy was reading Artie's book in the court. Benjy said they made him stop reading it. He was there for 3 hours and had to sit there in silence waiting and they wouldn't let him read.
Steve got in some plugs for Sam Tripoly's show and for the Greg Fitzsimmons show. Then Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of things they were going to be trying to cover today. After mentioning Diamanit's visit today the guys ended up talking about ass eating. Benjy said he had that done to him once. Artie said he has had it done to him too.
Benjy said he was about 18 at the time and he was hanging at a 7/11 at about 3 in the morning. He said the pay phone rang and there was an old lady on the phone. It sounded a lot like the voice that Richard does as a lady. Benjy said he got the woman's address and he asked a guy for a ride to this woman's house. He said he got there and the woman freaked out that there were two men there. She chased one guy away but he got to stay. Then he went in and the woman did her thing. He said that he was really freaked out by the whole thing but he doesn't remember if he banged her or not. He said that she was blowing him when she pushed his legs back and went down there. He told her it wasn't necessary but she went in anyway. Howard said he had some tape of that and played the German porn clip he played earlier in the morning.
Robin said that they're saying that people are sharing with people on the web on places like Myspace and Facebook. Artie said that the definition of ''friend'' is being changed. Howard said he does confide in Ralph. He works for him though.
Howard thought about it for a short time trying to come up with someone else that he doesn't pay that he's friendly with that he could confide in. He wasn't able to come up with anyone. Howard said he can talk to Beth about almost everything, but not quite everything. He can't tell her every single thing because he wants her to think he's cool.
Artie said that he has about 5 or 6 guys who are close enough that he can confide in them. Fred said that he's very close to his friend Frank Fallon who is in his band. Howard asked Fred why he can't confide in him. Fred said there has to be quid pro quo there but that's not happening. Howard said he was almost getting there with Jimmy Kimmel but he lives too far away. He said that's about as good as he can get.
Howard said he may have to have a contest to find someone to be his friend. Fred said that Sal and Ronnie would like to be there as that person. Fred said that Sal would probably kill his wife to be Howard's close friend.
Howard said he doesn't even confide in his friend Dr. Lou. He said they used to do that but that's when they were in college together. He said the guy is a good guy but they went their separate ways. Howard said that Ralph would be his A.C. Cowlings to his OJ if it came down to that.
Robin read a story about their old intern Leah Walsh who was allegedly killed by her husband. They say that the husband smeared her body with peanut butter hoping that animals would eat her. They talked about that for a short time. Artie said that sometimes the sweetest girls just pick the worst guys. Howard said that she even said that during the Intern Beauty Pageant back in 1999.
Robin read some news about gay marriage and some protests that were going on over the weekend. That also included the Wanda Sykes coming out of the closet story. Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to get Proposition 8 over turned. That led to Fred playing a Fake Arnold clip where he's making some odd noises. Howard asked if the guys knew where the Al Pacino ''Great ass!'' clip came from. Artie knew it was from the movie ''Heat'' which they were talking about earlier.
Howard said that they should make gay marriage legal but not make people give big gifts to them at the wedding.
Robin read a story about a man who was murdered for being gay. She had a story about a couple that broke up because the wife was upset the guy was cheating on her with an online character in Second Life. Robin had a story about a teenager who was blown off the toilet while using air freshener. He was spraying it in the bathroom when he lit his lighter. He ended up waking up outside and smelling like a barbecue. Robin said he was burned badly and will be in the hospital for months.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was at Saturday Night Live in the audience and wondered what Howard thinks about the show. Howard said he hasn't been watching it lately but the Tina Fey thing kind of drew people back in to watch it. He said that anything they do seems extra shitty after that. He said that Tina blew everyone away and now everything is a letdown.
The caller said he was into the older style cast members but now the cast has a few talented people. The guy asked Artie if he could do something like that. Howard told the guy he was on MAD TV years ago. The guy had forgotten about that. Artie said that MAD TV was just canceled after 14 years on the air.
Robin read a story about taking people off of life support. Howard said he would agree with taking them off but people like to hang on to dead pieces of flesh that they think are their relatives. He said that one in a billion might be a miracle and come back out of the brain dead thing.
Howard took a call from a woman, Rinna, who said that she would like to go out with Artie and she thinks that she's a regular girl. Howard said that means fat to him. She said she's been told she looks like a young Cher. Howard said Cher could look bad in the wrong light. Rinna said that she's not a playboy model but she's good looking and works out 7 days a week. Artie said that she should come to his book signing next week and he'll talk to her there. Artie told her that she doesn't have to stand in line, they have a hot chick area that she can hang out in.
The woman said she's 5'5'' tall and weighs 120 pounds. Artie said that was fine with him. Howard asked how she maintains her bush. She said she shaves completely even though she knows Artie isn't into it. Howard asked her if she eats ass. She said that she isn't opposed to it if she's into the guy. She said if it needs to be done she can do it.
Rinna said that she's had some drug problems in the past but she's holding it together right now. She said she was very nervous right now. Howard asked if she was into coke or something. She said it was pills. She said she doesn't need to do that stuff anymore. Howard told her that Artie will be out on Long Island on Tuesday so she can meet him there.
Artie asked Rinna what's wrong with her that she's into him. She said she's into funny guys and thinks that he's a good looking guy. She thinks that he might be motivated to go out with someone who works out a bit. Artie told her to come out and he'll talk to her at the book signing. Artie called her ''Rita'' but then told her to practice ''shutting the fuck up'' sometime. Artie said he's looking to have a kid and he needs to do it sometime soon.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Katt Williams who is receiving medical treatment after he got into some trouble down in South Carolina. The guy had just come off a 300 show tour that he did in 18 months. Artie said he hopes that guy is okay, he likes Katt.
Robin read a story about the Batman comic books. They have a story line about Batman and they have to come out with a new Batman to replace him. They spent a couple of minutes on that story.
Robin said there's a new character in Utah called Smoker-Man who is a hero who can't keep up with other super heroes because he has a cough. That led to Fred playing Henry Hill's awful cough.
Robin had a story about Barack Obama resigning his Senate seat as of Sunday. She said he was also on 60 Minutes last night.
Howard had a clip of Sal trying to do a bit with someone and asking someone to finish this name ''Hussein Barack blank.'' Sal didn't know that his name was Barack Hussein. Howard played that a couple of times and said that Sal was serious and didn't know the right name.
Robin read a story about Hillary Clinton and how she may not go to work for Obama if he offers her a position. Robin asked Howard what they do in Vietnam. Howard said he thinks they export rice and drugs. Robin said that a storm hit over there and it's threatening to wipe out a lot of the coffee crops there.
Robin read a story how people are starting to live with their extended families now that the economy is doing so poorly. She had some stories about people probably spending less this holiday season.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he had a spider bite him in the ass when he sat on a toilet at a mall one time. He said his wife had to pop the pussy marks on his ass after that. Howard thanked him for that and had Robin get back to her news.
Robin had some more Barack Obama news and he's saying that he's going to concentrate on the country's economy before the deficit. He's also for finding Osama bin Laden and stamping out Al Qaeda. The guys said it would be funny if they did catch Barack 2 days after he gets into office. Howard said Bush would probably pretend to be happy if that happened but they know that he wouldn't be.
Robin read some news about the troops being kept in Iraq for another 3 years. Robin also had some audio of some Iraqis talking about the extension.
Robin had some news about the movie ''Quantum of Solace'' being number one at the box office. She had some audio of some of the stars of the movie talking about it.
Robin had some news about the wildfires out in California. She had some audio of Oprah talking to Rob Lowe about the fires out there. She wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
Jon moved on and talked about the stuff they were going to get to today and ended up talking about the discussion Howard had about the friends he can confide in. Gary said he's got a bunch of guys that he can talk to that are close to him. He said he's got at least 3 that he can trust.
Jon moved on to talk about the JD show discussions they had this morning. Gary said that the clip of JD melting down was a great one. He said that he was hoping that most of the show was going to be like that. Teddy said that the store was tiny and they had about 5-600 people outside. There was a traffic accident outside and the whole crowd cheered when it happened.
Teddy was saying that JD and Steve were both hosts and they were on opposite ends of the store and there wasn't much organization there. Langford was there to give facts and stuff. Teddy said that no one gives JD a chance to speak though. There were people hooting at him whenever they'd round the corner. Jon and Gary said that's what you have to deal with when you're in the public eye like that.
Jon played a clip where JD said he thought he was the Clay Aiken of the show with his older women fans. Gary said that was an insane theory and one of the most insane in the history of the show. Jon said they should have JD come down and explain it. Gary said that was an absurd statement to make.
Benjy said the show sounded interesting to him but he's not sure if it was fun to listen to or just a train wreck.
Gary said he didn't listen to the whole thing but it's great that they can experiment with stuff like that. Teddy said it didn't even look like a radio show because it was just JD and Steve walking around with microphones.
JD came in so Gary asked him if it was confusing to be there doing that. JD said that they were moving the line very fast so things were kind of crazy in there. The fans were asking him for his autograph and demanding that he do it immediately.
Gary asked JD if he thought Steve was being condescending with him. JD said he thought it was funny and that's just the way Steve is. JD also said he shouldn't have started the ''J-Mates'' thing either. He said that's going to lead to a whole thing now.
Jon asked if JD really does have a lot of older women coming on to him. JD said that he does have women in their late 30s to early 50s hitting on him. He gets messages from women on Myspace and things like that. He said some are from younger chicks but a lot are older.
JD said he never should have said anything. He said that there aren't any 21 year olds telling him they want to have his baby or anything. He had a lot of ''I don't know' and ''whatever'' comments in there. Gary asked JD how old he is. He's 28 and Gary said he thought he was like 23 so these woman aren't that much older than him.
Jon asked JD why he cares how much older they are than him. JD said he's just very confused with the whole conversation and he's thinking more long term relationship.
A caller said he heard that JD is going to become a teacher at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting, he wished him luck on that. He said that JD is not interesting on the show and he wondered why he was given a show over there.
Gary said he would like to talk to someone who heard the show that night. The caller said that Howard has the ability to make everyone a star and it's really annoying. The guy asked why people are so crazy about people on the show.
Gary said that JD is on the show every day and Howard does make people stars. He said that people are excited to meet him because he's on the radio. He didn't think it was that hard to understand.
JD said he doesn't see himself as famous so it's weird for him. Gary asked JD if he's ever used his fame to get anything like reservations at a restaurant. JD said he'd feel retarded doing it.
Jon asked if he has hot chicks trying to get a hold of him. JD said there are some who are doing that but they don't live around New York so they'd have to travel. He said he's a very lazy person so he wouldn't want to travel himself. Gary said that any heterosexual guy who wants to get laid is willing to travel a bit.
Gary asked where the guys ate out in L.A. JD tried to tell a story but he was laughing his ass off at his own lame story. He said that Jon gets upset that he eats at In and Out Burger out there. Jon likes them a lot and thinks JD should go there instead of other burger joints.
A caller said that the last caller was lame because the Stern Show is all about people getting famous from the show. He asked the guy why they can't watch the show being filmed live every morning on Howard TV. Gary said he doesn't know the answer to that. He said that they have talked about doing a live special or something. Doug said it wouldn't be on Howard TV though, it would be more of a pay-per-view event.
The caller said he thinks it would be a big service to the fans if they did that. Doug said they don't have the ability to do live stuff on the On Demand platform.
Gary said that when Imus was doing his live show they had a lot of dead time and it's better to take the best parts of the show and show those instead of the full show.
Another caller said he was at the book signing and thought JD did a good job. He thought he was very professional and so was Steve. The guy said there weren't many women at the event either. Most of them were guys. The caller said that the people running the event out there were very rude and just pushing people through. He said that book signings are supposed to allow people to talk to the author. Gary said that they can either let everyone get their book signed or let half of them get it signed and talk to Artie.
Another caller said that this JD train wreck is no longer a comical one. He said that it's just JD saying ''I don't know'' or ''Whatever'' and it gets annoying and it makes him want to change the channel. Gary said that JD is loved in the e-mail and people like him from what he's seen. JD said he agrees with the caller.
Benjy asked JD if he would be happier if he was never on the air. JD said it's weird for him to be on the air but it is kind of cool to have a little bit of fame. Benjy asked him if he would stay off the air if they gave him that option. JD said ''I dunno... I'd live with whatever I had to.''
JD said that he does like that women know him from the show. He said if he wasn't on the show he has no idea where he would be. Gary said that when they first got JD he was a virgin and he didn't drink alcohol. Now he's a drinker and he's no longer a virgin.
Steve Langford came in and said that at these appearances the people loved Artie and they loved JD. Gary said he seems to be loved by the fans. Steve said he was walking the line and asking people what was going on out there. There were fans yelling out ''Steve Langford has a big penis'' and he ran off when he heard that going on.
Steve said he's a huge fan of JD's too. He said he liked it when JD started to freak out on the show that night.
Gary asked where JD went after the book signing. JD said they went out on Thursday night with Ryan Philippe. He didn't get any hot chicks but there were some around. JD said on Friday he didn't go out because he didn't feel too good. On Saturday night they went out with some girls who were at the book signing but nothing happened.
Steve said he's married but if he were single, that place is one of the most deadly dull places around. He said he lived there for close to 6 years and there really wasn't anything to do there. Teddy said they had some girls calling them and asking them to hang out but it was obvious that nothing was going to happen.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he just turned 51 and just started listening to the show about 3 years ago. He said he can't go home and watch Howard on TV because his wife yells at him. The guy said that this is the land of opportunity for JD and he finds him kind of entertaining. The guy said that he doesn't have a lot to base his opinion on though. He said they're a great reality show. He said he really appreciates the show because it makes his day shorter out there driving a truck.
Ralph called in and said that he loves JD but... He gets why the caller said he's getting sick of it. Jon said it's okay when JD comes in and he's organic with his answers. When they ask him something that stumps him and he stammers for a minute it's just not funny. He said it's like the Benjy vortex that they've talked about before.
Jon said that JD was a big part of the show today and he wanted to get his insight into the book signing today. He didn't know why he had to defend him. He said that now he's caught up in the Ralph vortex so he had to get out of that. He went to break after that.
Jon had Doug Goodstein in the studio to talk about this Diamanti Damons chick. Doug said they had her in to do the Miss Howard TV thing and she ended up stripping off her clothes in his office and gave him a hug the day she was in. He said that he thinks he could have banged her on his desk if he had asked her.
Benjy asked if he thinks that she was making herself available at the moment. Doug said that he thinks that she was. He said that when he saw her this morning she told her husband ''This is the guy...'' He said that he told her she didn't even have to get naked for him in his office but she said she wanted to and got naked.
The guys talked about how Diamanti was into just about everything she was asked about. She won't say no to anything.
Jon had Teddy play a clip of Diamanti talking about getting tied up to a cross. After playing that the guys talked to Benjy about how he's had a girl eat his ass before.
Jon asked Gary what he thought of the Sybian ride today. Gary said they should ask Tim Sabean about that because he came into his office and told him that was the greatest Sybian ride ever. Gary said that there seems to be a pattern on the Sybian and the girls usually sit on it like it's kind of dumb but then they get that initial feeling that it's okay and ask for more power. He said that then they find their groove and they get into it.
Jon had Teddy play a clip of Howard yelling at Sal today about not getting him the song he requested last night. Jon asked Gary how he deals with that. Gary said he just does. He said that Sal was all pissed off at Howard about the whole thing out in his office.
Jon brought up some other stuff that Sal denied like the wrestling thing at Rick's Cabaret. Benjy said he didn't see what went on but he does know that Sal was upset about it coming up on the air. Doug said he didn't see Sal tossing anyone around. Gary said he saw Sal getting tossed around at the fight on Saturday night.
A caller said he saw the fight back stage at the fight on Saturday night. He told the guys what he saw there and saw the fight between Bobby and the security guard. The guy said he was hanging out with Double A and he really didn't do anything wrong. Gary asked if Double A was sorry he caused the whole thing. The caller said that he didn't do anything wrong.
Benjy asked Doug if he knows what was said that started the whole ting. Doug said he's not sure what was said that got the punches going.
A caller told the guys that he doesn't like In and Out burger out there. They went over that stuff a little bit and also talked about the Steelers game from this weekend. Jon said he didn't want to get into that too much but went into a discussion about it anyway.
Sal came in after that so Jon asked him about getting pissed about what was going on this morning. Sal said that he was late because of the train and he called Gary and let him know. He said that Gary was joking around about him putting a sound clip into his call to make it sound like he was at the train station when he wasn't. Gary said he was just kidding about that. Sal said he's only been late about 3 times in 5 years. Gary said he disputes that.
Gary said he thinks that it's about triple the number of times he said that he's been late. Sal said that meant it was 6 times. Then he realized that it was 9 times and not 6. Gary asked Sal if he knows what Obama's real name is. Sal finally got it right and said it was Barack Hussein Obama and not what he was saying earlier in those audio clips.
The guys were also talking to Sal about the strip club thing. Sal said that he really wasn't wrestling and this girl just strangled him with his belt. He wasn't wrestling with her. He said he shoved her into her seat, strangled her a little bit and elbowed her in the head. That sounded like wrestling to the guys there. Sal said it was just play wrestling, not real wrestling. They had to end the show in the middle of that conversation.
Howard started off the show talking about reading an article in the paper about Michael Jackson. He said he ran off to live in Bahrain after he had some problems here in the states. He said some guy was paying all of his bills over there. The Sheik guy claims he gave Michael 7 million bucks in exchange for writing some songs with him and now Michael is claiming it was just a gift and the guy is upset that he didn't come through.
Howard said there's a weird story about Prince too. He was hired to do some perfume line of his own that was going to be really weird with some strange spelling. Now the company is saying that Prince is backing out of the deal and not coming through for them.
Robin said something that caught Howard's attention because she had a cold. Howard said that she shouldn't have a cold based on the vegan lifestyle that she pushes so much. Robin said she's under a lot of stress right now, that's why she has a cold. Howard said she might be traveling too much. Howard said he likes to dig into her about that when she gets sick. Artie said that there are a lot of healthy eating people around him that get sick.
Howard read the Michael Jackson article and said that's funny to him. He said that they have so much money in those countries that they don't even know what to do with it. He said that he can't imagine having a guy like Jackson living in his house after being up on the charges he was up on.
Howard read the Prince article too. He said they were going to put out this line of stuff for the guy but they've had problems getting Prince to help promote it. Howard said he can see that the guy is a pain in the ass. He wouldn't even turn on the lights in the party he went to. He was putting on a show and kept the lights out so no one would see him. Howard said he hates that guy now and said that he's just a weirdo. He said he still likes his music but he doesn't like Prince.
Howard read more about him and they claim that he canceled a business meeting 15 minutes before he was supposed to go in. The stuff they were going to put out was spelled with an X like ''X-Quisite'' and ''X-Otic.'' Howard said he hates that because it aggravates and irritates him. He said he should start spelling stupid ''Stoopid'' and things like that. Howard wondered why Prince isn't considered stupid for spelling the name of his product like that.
Howard said that Scott Weiland is stopping by today. That guy is another one who needs to be straightened out.
Howard took a call from Eric the Midget who said he's demanding an apology from Natalie (Maines) and from Howard. Howard said that Eric never disappoints.
Howard asked Eric what he's demanding. Eric wants an apology from Natalie for what she said on the air. Eric said he wants an apology from Howard for the Real Doll thing. Howard said he's not going to apologize for that. Eric said that it was just an actor who measured him. Howard said it doesn't really matter because he did measure him. Howard said that it doesn't matter if it's the right measurements or not.
Fred threw in some Eric the Midget song parodies during the discussion. Howard said that the guy may have been a comedian but that doesn't mean he can't take measurements. Howard said that they can't just have a guy working for them who takes measurements. Howard did his impression of Eric and goofed on him about asking about the measuring. Howard said they didn't have an official measurer so they asked the guy to do it for them that day.
Howard said they don't make those dolls based on real people so they don't have a full time guy doing that for them. Howard said if they ever have to take more measurements they'll hire that guy. Eric said he's going to measure their security.
Eric said he wants an apology from him about taking about his friends only being friends with him for money reasons. Eric said that Howard is the one making money off of him, no one else is. Howard sarcastically said he's making millions off of him. Eric said that his show on Howard TV is the number one show so that's making him money. Howard said there are a lot of people who are fed up with him right now and if he listened to them they wouldn't have him on anymore.
Howard said that he went to Harvard and asked for a measuring guy to measure Eric. He said that they wouldn't have a guy measuring people there.
Howard told Eric he did bust him about the measurer. He said that he wasn't really from the company. Artie said that he's not sure who told Eric to wear a hat on the camera but he's right to do it because his forehead goes on forever.
Howard said the guys gave him a copy of the e-mail Eric sent where he demands the apology from Natalie. Eric wants her to apologize for what she said on the Wrap Up Show. He's demanding that she help him get on Heroes since her husband is on the show. He's also demanding that she help him write a song that makes it onto the top of the Country charts. Howard said he's pretty sure he can't get him any of that stuff.
Howard said that Eric claims that the Stern Show claims that they think they're the only ones who care about him. He's also demanding that they help him get on any show he wants and also help him get his book published. Eric is saying that they're not going to make the Real Doll either. Howard said they're going to make that happen and when he sees it he'll know that they're not joking around about it.
Howard said that he wants Eric to have sex with his own doll. Fred said that he can go fuck himself. Artie said that when they tell him to go fuck himself he can actually do it now.
Fred threw in another Eric the Midget song parody to the tune of the Popeye song. Howard said that Eric sounds very angry today. He told him to go think about this stuff and calm down.
Eric got a text message from Rich from the Bunny Ranch. Howard told him to think about this stuff because he might not get that stuff from them anymore if he's not on the show. Rich told Eric to demand a blow job from Natalie. Eric said he demanded that in his e-mail. Gary said the mail Howard had was a compilation of a bunch of e-mails that Eric had sent to them recently.
Howard thanked Eric for the call and said he thinks they devoted enough time to the segment. Robin told him that the answer to all of his demands was ''no.'' Eric asked where Natalie was. Howard said she's probably sleeping, she's busy. He said she lives in L.A. Howard said that Eric should be sleeping too.
Howard said that Natalie sleeps on a custom Eric the Midget pillow that she had made. Eric said he didn't know that. Howard said that's true.
Robin asked if Eric has spoken to Johnny since he started to demand that he call him the High Commander. That was something that Eric claimed in his e-mail. Eric said he hadn't spoken to him much. Artie said he spoke to Johnny out in L.A. and they didn't even bring Eric up. Eric said that Johnny told him that he did bring him up when he was talking to him. Artie said that wasn't true. Eric said he'd check with Johnny about that.
Ralph called in and said that he wants to know what's going to happen if they don't do what Eric demands. Eric said he's not sure at the moment but he'll come up with something. Ralph told him he has to think of some kind of consequence. Eric said he'll figure out a way to humiliate Natalie. The guys told him he probably won't be able to do that. They told him that Natalie took on the President of the United States. Eric told them that she'd better get ready to make nice.
Howard said he had Natalie on the phone so he picked up. It turned out to be Richard doing his female voice. He told Eric that she'd give him an apology if he could walk across the room to her. Eric said he knew it was Richard and he wasn't going to go along with this. ''Natalie'' said that her husband was going to jack off in the corner as this was going on. Howard told Eric he should get ready to do that.
Natalie was saying that she'd blow him too and she'd spit all over his midget cock. Natalie claimed she had a cold so that's why her voice was different. Artie asked her to sing some of her new song. Richard sang a little bit of it and Artie said that no one else knows that song.
Natalie said that she'd even let Eric put it in her poop chute. Eric didn't seem interested. Howard thanked Eric for calling in and let him go a short time later.
Gary said that she's living with Zolar and he handcuffs her to the heater in the bathroom so she can't leave. Gary said that's what he heard and Zolar has been telling him this on the internet when he's on there. Howard said that he's probably just goofing on him about that. Gary said that's not what's going on.
Howard told Gary that this is like when he was talking to the Flu and when they sent him to the moon and he thought he was really there.
Howard said it's fun being retarded but he doesn't belittle what he goes through. He told Gary that they're just telling him this stuff because he believes it so easily. Artie said that he's just taking advantage of him because he's an enormous retard.
Gary asked to have Miss Howard Stern on the show with him. Howard figured he had the hots for her. Gary said he does. He said he wants to go on a date with her. Gary said that she tells him that she would go on a date with him. The guys said that Gary could go on a date and possibly knock her up. That way they could have their own retarded baby.
Howard said it would be funny if Zolar chained Gary up to the heater. Gary said that wouldn't be funny. Howard thanked Gary for the call and let him go. He played a prank call that Richard made to Gary where he was breathing into the phone and pissing Gary off.
Artie said that they use that song in the movie Zodiac and he heard that the kid in the car who survived heard that song playing. Artie said they have that song playing when the car is approaching the couple that the guy kills. Howard said that song is kind of creepy but it's cool too.
Howard said that his music career kind of got thrown off the tracks. He said when he performed that song he had his shirt open like Robert Plant. They actually used a drum track from a Zeppelin song in that version of the song.
Speech Impediment Man said that Howard took on Doug Flutie's band one time and he thinks that's where that performance came from. Howard said he's given up on the music thing for now and he's concentrating on his radio show now.
Speech Impediment Man asked what happened to Fartman. Howard said he has a script for the movie that's all done and in the can. He said he likes the script but he's not sure if he'd be into making it. He said he could probably make it for maybe $50 million. He said that he's not sure that the public would embrace the character though.
Howard said he kind of felt that it would be a cult movie and not a super mega hit. He said you have to be careful spending that kind of money on a movie that might end up being a cult movie. Howard said it would need a lot of special effects, maybe not as much as Spider-Man though. Howard said Fartman would have to fly because he has to blast off and stuff.
Howard said that he would have done another movie but the thing he wanted to do was kind of thrown to the side. He said that he'd like the make the Fartman movie but do it as fun. He doesn't want to make it his main focus. Howard said he would play this pornographer who becomes Fartman. He gave a few details of the movie but didn't get too deep into the story. He said he'd have an evil Donald Trump type in the movie. He said he would like to get Trump to play that character.
Howard said at one point he would shit his pants in the movie. He said that's what he would do when he's learning to use his powers. At one point he has an accident and they have to rebuild his asshole. He said it would have been a fun movie.
Howard said that he'd be banging hot chicks in the movie and it would have to be a hard R rating. He said it might even get close to being an X (NC-17) rated movie. Howard said it could have been a big hit but he's really not sure.
Speech Impediment Man said he'd like to be in there with Fartman and maybe be a team. Howard said that might ruin the movie. Artie said that Speech Impediment Man actually runs around in a super hero outfit all the time.
Speech Impediment Man said he had an idea for the movie and started to get into it but Howard cut him off and thanked him for the call. He told Gary to send the guy a copy of that song he requested. Artie asked for one too. Artie asked Gary to give it to Teddy so he can get it to him. Howard said he's a good dude.
Howard played some audio of Richard messing with Speech Impediment Man at the porno awards. Richard was telling him to talk louder and louder as they were talking.
A caller asked Howard if he's casting for Porky's yet. Howard said he's not sure about that. He said they are done with the script but he's not sure about the casting. Artie said he has a friend who wants to be in the movie so there is some excitement out there about the movie.
Howard played some audio of JD on the Wrap Up Show yesterday talking about the women who are interested in him and how they seem to be older women. The guys goofed on JD about some of that stuff and Fred threw in a Napoleon Dynamite clip before they went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Robin has been playing Scrabble on the air. Howard asked Robin if that's what she's doing. Robin said she's never even played Scrabble the board game. Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman are players and he's played with them. The caller was bummed he didn't catch Robin doing that on the air.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked if they have seen Celebrity Rehab. Howard said he's been watching every week. Howard said they made a mistake and made Gary Busey a normal guy after talking to him. Howard had to hang up on Bobo because he was talking over them again. Howard said that really annoys him.
Howard said they sat Gary Busey down and talked to him and turned him normal. He was the best part of that show until that happened. Howard said Busey was in a lot of great movies and he's a good actor but he has this weird affect now after his brain injury. Howard said he screwed himself up after refusing to wear a helmet.
Robin said that Nick Nolte is like that now too. He seems like a bit of a nutty guy to her. Howard ended up playing a clip from Celebrity Rehab where Jeff Conaway was whining as they were trying to give him some therapy for his back. In the clip Jeff was complaining about the pain and saying he couldn't take much more. Then he breaks down and cries as this dramatic music is playing.
Howard said the guy is on pain killers and he doesn't think they're ever going to get him off of them. Howard said the doctors say that they're not going to give him anymore unnecessary surgery. They've already given him like 10.
Artie said that Sam Simon worked on Taxi and they realized that Jeff wasn't necessary on the show when he took off for a week one time. That led to him being let go and not staying with the show. He could have stayed with that show and been part of a huge hit for years.
Howard read a story about doctor who was touching women's breasts during dental exams. He was suggesting to the women that they give themselves breast exams and touched them to show them how to do it. Howard read that the guy may have done it to more than one woman.
Howard said that a guy has to be pretty smart to get through dental school so he can't imagine how this guy became a doctor. Artie said he thinks that 50 percent of construction workers out there could become a dentist. Howard and Robin disagreed with him on that. Robin said that you have to know a lot of stuff and have to do the same things that a doctor does.
Howard said that people expect him to do the stuff that this dentist was doing. Howard mentioned he had half of the L.A. PD in the room with him when he had Jessica Hahn naked in his room out there one time.
Howard said that Richard has E-coli but he didn't want to get into that. They did end up talking about that for a short time. They were talking about Richard pissing in his own diaper. Richard thinks he got it from bad pizza out there in L.A. when he was out there. Howard said there is no bad pizza, just bad people making pizza. The guys goofed on him for a minute before Lisa G came in.
Lisa said she just doesn't get the male brain and the way it works. Howard showed Lisa the picture of her as the Real Doll. Lisa said that was sexy but the breasts didn't look like glued on basketballs. Howard said maybe they could just glue on basketballs instead of implants. Artie said that Lisa should do it.
Lisa got to her news preview and said she spoke to Artie's sister Stacey about his book. Howard said he hasn't read the book yet himself. He said he has a vacation coming up though so he'll read it then. Lisa said there's a chapter in there that they might want to talk about. Howard said they should, there's no reason to keep that a secret.
Lisa said it was the chapter about Artie trying to commit suicide. Howard wasn't surprised because he's always trying to kill himself eating as much as he does. Artie said that this was a formal attempt. He said that when he was at MAD TV he ran out of coke, which sucks, and he was out of his mind. He wrote a note to his mother and sister and it was for real.
Artie said he had some sleeping tablets that were really strong. He took about 25 of these pills and took all of the Excedrin PM pills he had and a half bottle of Jack Daniels. He figured that would do the trick but it didn't work. Artie said the note was short and it was to his mother and sister saying ''Ma and Stace, I'm sorry about this but I can't deal with life for some reason. None of this is your fault, do me a favor and keep on livin, maybe I'll see you again some day.''
Artie said he changed his shorts before he did that because he didn't want to die in the sweat pants he was wearing. Artie said they had done the taping of MAD TV the night before. He said he was trying to stay on the wagon before that. He had an ulcer at the time so he had to go hide in his apartment after work. He said he had a coke dealer that he'd meet and went out and bought 2 8-balls of coke and locked himself in the apartment. He said he got the sketches for the next week's shows and he was in like 11 of the 14 they had to do. They had to be prepared for the table reading the next Monday.
Artie said he was up all weekend doing coke and ran out at about 4am after staying up doing it. Howard and Robin were laughing about all of this stuff. Artie told them that they were the first two people to laugh during this story.
Howard asked Artie if he wrote more than one suicide note. Artie said he did write a couple because one of them was too sappy. Artie said he put in a video tape of Newt Gingrich to prepare for the MAD TV stuff and thought that was just horrible. Then he took all of this stuff and wrote the note. He had to be at work at 9 in the morning but he ran out of the coke at 4. He was suicidal after that so that's when he did the note thing and tried to off himself with the pills and Jack Daniels.
Artie said that he lost his mind and ended up sitting down on the couch in this place he was staying. He said he started to think about how he was going to die and find out what that was like. He was kind of excited about that. Artie said he was going to find out if he was going to see his father again and all of that. Artie said he got high from the drugs and his arm started shaking uncontrollably. Then he passed out and remembers waking up in this guy Dave Herman's car on the way to the hospital. He said the guy told him that he was going to be alright and he could go back to New York. Then he passed out again and woke up with a nurse putting a catheter up his penis.
Artie said he was never late to anything, ever, when he was at MAD TV. He was late that morning so someone came to find him at this apartment. Artie said they had people who were supposed to find him to come to the set and they found that he wasn't in his dressing room. Artie said they ended up figuring out that something was wrong and sent a guy out to find him at his apartment. They were knocking on the door and they say he actually answered the door. He doesn't remember any of that. They ended up calling his friend David and 9-1-1.
Artie said David showed up before the ambulance. That guy took the suicide note and figured they'd let Artie figure out what he wanted to do with it. Then they drove him to the hospital. Artie said he woke up during the catheter thing. Howard said it's amazing that stuff didn't kill him. Artie said maybe it could have eventually killed him. He said that he decided to do the thing around 7 so the pills were probably in him for like 2 hours. Robin said that was no attempt, he knew that they'd find him because he was going to be late to work.
Artie said he worked up and said ''Fuck, I'm still here.'' when he woke up in the hospital. He said he woke up at about 4 in the morning the next day in intensive care. He said there was an attractive black woman there who was reading stuff to him.
Artie said that he thinks that he died and went to heaven. He said that he thinks he's in heaven now because of everything going right for him in his career. Robin told him that he is in heaven and that's why they're all laughing at him now.
Artie said he told a shrink that he thinks that he really did die and that's what happened. He said he believes that sometimes.
Artie said this woman in the room asked him why he was in there. He said he told her that he tried to kill himself and she told him that he'd go right to hell if he did that. She gave him the whole ''life is a gift'' speech in there. Artie said that depressed him even more.
Then his mother showed up the next day when they flew her out there. His sister came out too. Artie said that this guy David gave his mother the note and told her that he had found it in the room. His mother told the doctor about the note and they strapped him down and took him to a psych ward. Artie said they drove him to this other hospital and the drivers were drinking and driving.
Howard asked Artie if they diagnosed him as Bipolar or something. Artie said it was clinically depressed. He said he's considered mentally ill. Artie said that it's curable. Howard said that Artie isn't even close to being cured.
Artie said he was checking into the hospital around midnight and his mother went out and got him a huge sandwich to cheer him up. He said that actually did work.
Artie said he was told he couldn't lock his door and there was nothing sharp in the rooms. He said that they told him about the people who are there for life and how they'll be wandering around. They told him that they're harmless though. Artie said that they told him about this one guy Gus who might walk into his room but that he was harmless.
Artie said they sent him into his own room and there was a metal wall with scratchings on it from the other nuts who were there. He said one of them said ''I want to kill Madonna.'' Artie wondered if they told Madonna about that.
Artie said that this guy Gus walked into his room and the guy sat down and had a great conversation with him. Artie said it was probably the best conversation he ever had in L.A. Artie said Gus told him about his family fucking him over and stuff like that. Artie said he left the next day and said goodbye to Gus before he left.
Artie said that the guys who ran MAD TV treated him like a kid there and helped him get better. He said that everyone was really cool to him there at the show and they were very understanding about the whole thing.
Artie said that Quincy Jones was a producer of the show and he found him before he went home to New Jersey and gave him a speech before he left. Quincy gave him a hug and told him he was funny and that drugs were really bad and they've ruined a lot of people in the business.
Artie said Quincy told him about writing the Sanford and Son theme song and how it only took him about 20 minutes to write it. He said Quincy told him that he was on opium when he wrote it too. Artie said it's like one of the best theme songs ever and it took him 20 minutes to write it.
Artie said he did his time in rehab and then he went back to MAD TV. He said they let him come back after that. He went to rehab in Jersey and tried everything he could to get better. He said that the Paxil was the stuff that worked for him. He said he felt great after that.
Artie said he called the producers and they told him to come back to MAD TV. He said he was writing sketches and stuff at the time that were the best he's ever done. Artie said he stopped taking the Paxil after 6 months or so. He didn't want to be on that stuff the rest of his life. Robin thought that was kind of funny.
Artie said he was told he could come back to MAD TV. At the time Quincy was producing the Oscars. He said that they had him do a sketch with Whoopi Goldberg in New York before he flew back out to L.A. He said it was the worst sketch ever. Then he ran into Quincy Jones who told him that they were going to fly him back to L.A. on a private jet. Artie went down to the airport to do that and had to wait for Quincy to show up. Artie said he saw them doing a story about Biggie Smalls and Tupac and heard Quincy talking about how those two guys were into a lot of shit and they were going to end up killing each other. Eight months later Tupac was dead. Artie said that Quincy was a great guy and actually helped save his life.
Lisa was able to get back to her report after that and said that they'll have more with Stacey all day long on Howard 100 News. Artie said that his sister is another one who helped save his life. He also let them know that 8 months later he was on coke and they had to let him go from MAD TV. That was the next year. Howard said that's incredibly self destructive.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie's suicide sounded more like a party than a suicide. He said that he was good to go with all of that stuff he took. Artie said that they pumped his stomach and made him drink this black tar-looking stuff at the time and it was awful. He said it probably looked like he was in a minstrel show. Howard told him it was probably charcoal he drank. Artie said that's exactly what it was.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and went off on Artie about trying to kill himself and wondered why he would do something like that. Howard hung up on her and said that's what they're all thinking.
Artie said that the guy who saved him was the guy who played Michael Bolton in the movie ''Office Space.'' Robin knew who he was talking about after that.
Howard thanked Lisa for the news report and ended up talking about her as the Real Doll again. They went to break a short time later.
Howard played a new song parody about Robin called ''Robin Lick My Hole'' to the tune of The Cars ''Let the Good Times Roll.''
Howard said he found this clip on the internet, thanks to Richie Wilson probably, where a transsexual was singing a long song that was kind of compelling. Howard said the song is kind of long but he thought it was pretty interesting. He played the song and told Robin to tell him if it was boring. He said he'd go by what she thinks of it. The song was called ''Beaver'' to the tune of ''Fever.'' Robin was laughing within a short time. Artie got a few laughs from the song too. The song goes on for a couple of minutes so Howard told Robin she has to stick with it.
The song goes on and on and Howard said the guy is really disturbing looking. The song was still going on about the beaver thing and then he starts to sing about how he misses his wiener. The guy was singing and asking why his new vagina burns at the end. Howard said the video is on YouTube and it's hard to get through seeing the guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw the video and said the guy actually has a bunch of videos out. The guy said his mother actually told him about it. Howard said it must be nice to have parents that are into computers. He said his parents won't even get an answering machine. The caller said his grandmother still has a rotary phone.
Howard said that he tried to talk his parents into the answering machine thing but they won't have any part of it. Robin said she tried to get her mother to do it too but she's not into it. Artie said his mother actually started doing e-mail.
Howard said his parents have a living room that his parents haven't gone into in about 20 years. He said no one ever sits in the couch they have in there so he will go in there and sit in it just so someone does. Artie said his mother has a furniture museum and he knows what Howard is talking about.
Howard said he had a Pastor Manning prank call that the guys made to a woman using Manning's ''Obama!'' and ''Obama is a long legged Mack Daddy!'' clips. Howard said that people in his neighborhood all sounded like the woman in that call. Artie said that woman was hard core. Gary said that she's from Memphis from what Richard and Sal told him. Artie thought she had a southern accent. Howard said that all of the kids in his neighborhood in Roosevelt sounded just like that though.
Howard said that TiVo has a new thing where you can order your pizza over the TV. Robin said that's a little too much convenience. Howard said he thinks that's cool.
Artie said that this guy Ricky Gervais from the original British ''The Office'' has an HBO special and he's got some pretty funny jokes in there. He said that he talks about fat people here and in England and how fat people here are really ''fat!''
Howard cut the guy off and Artie said that it sounds like JD was just running around because he was under pressure. Howard said JD was doing a radio show and he was in an unusual position that night. Howard said the call was driving him nuts because the guy was dragging out the call. He didn't like the call. Artie said he was going to vote that guy as the biggest asshole caller they've had.
Another caller said he knew who the guy was that called him and apologized when he was in a 12 step program. He figured it was Jann Wenner from Rolling Stone. Howard said that wasn't the person. Howard said he did lash out at Jann a bit about an article they wrote about him in the magazine but he's okay with the guy now.
Howard said the guy isn't even that famous. Artie said he thought it was Jann too but Howard said he doesn't want to say who it is. He said he would talk about it if the guy wanted him to but the guy didn't want him talking about it on the air. Robin said she's wondering who it is now.
Robin wondered if it was Imus. Howard said it wasn't him and Imus deserves all of the stuff he's said about him on the air.
Artie said that he has seen Jann on VH-1 doing some show on there. Howard said he doesn't think that Jann even does the column in Rolling Stone anymore. He said that the magazine loses credibility when they write about Yoko Ono and how brilliant her music is. Artie said that they gave the new Guns N Roses album 4 stars but he doesn't trust them about the Yoko Ono stuff so he can't trust that review.
Howard said the article about him was bad but it pissed him off back when it came out because he had just moved to satellite. He got pissed and got into the gay shit about him and that wasn't fair. He said he doesn't care that Jann is gay. Howard said it's not fair to go there but that's what you do when you want to punch below the belt.
Howard said he didn't call Jann to say he was sorry. This guy that the caller was talking about is someone who called him. He said it was something he needed to do at the time. Robin said it really is like an AA thing where you have to repent and apologize to people for what you've done to them.
That all led to Howard talking about these guys who are married to women but are gay. He said that's really sad and he feels bad for guys like that. Howard said he knows a guy who has to be gay but he's married with kids. He said the guy speaks in a really effeminate voice and he told him a story the other day about a bunch of guys holding him down in the gym and not letting him leave. Howard said it's like the guy doesn't even know he's gay. Howard said he had to tell the guy he had to leave so he could go laugh somewhere. Howard said he told all of his friends and they snicker at that.
Howard said the guy told him the dream story many years ago and now he's got a wife and 4 kids. Howard said this guy is the kind of guy who actually enjoys wheeling his kids around. Howard said that he did that but he wasn't really into it. Artie said those guys also make little mistakes when they talk about sports. He did an impression of a guy like that before Howard had to break.
Howard came back on and said that Scott Weiland was running late and this is a bad day to be running late. Howard said he had to get out of there on time today because he has important meetings he has to go to. He said it sounds like marketing meetings and that usually means they're going to ask him to go on Letterman to push the product. Howard said he's not going on Letterman this year. He said they have to have a better marketing plan than just sending him on Letterman.
Howard said he's allotted 45 minutes for this meeting today. Robin said that's a lot of time for them to try and push him to do Letterman. Howard said he doesn't get why Letterman's show is the lynch pin for this marketing thing.
Howard said he asked Gary how long he's supposed to wait for Scott Weiland. He was hoping to do news from 9-10 but now it's going to go later than he thought. Gary said that they should be good to go by 5 of 9 or so. Howard said that maybe they should tell him to turn around because he has to get out of there. Howard said he's going to miss the meeting if they're running late.
Gary asked Howard if he knows what time the meeting is scheduled for. Howard said he knows and now he has to wait around a half hour longer then he was supposed to. Howard said he'd like to know why people don't treat this show with respect.
Howard said he read that Scott Weiland has been in and out of detox like 40 times. He said if he went to detox himself he'd end up in there with no one good.
Howard said Scott doesn't answer to any man so that's why he's running late all the time. Robin said she's seen Scott in concert and he spits a lot. She saw him spit water all over people one time. Howard said he saw Scott make out with a dude one time. He said that they kind of went overboard trying to prove they're not homophobic.
Howard said that they had Scott's producer, Doug, in the studio so he spoke to him. Howard asked Doug how he met Scott. Doug said he actually met him in rehab. Doug said he was on some stuff himself and went in and ended up meeting Scott when he brought his brother in for rehab. His brother said he had this crazy room mate that turned out to be Scott.
Howard asked Doug if he really needed rehab. Doug said he did because he wrecked 3 cars in 2 weeks and had some legal problems too. He said that he was a drug addict guitar player before he met Scott.
Doug said that his brother went into rehab again about a year later and Scott ended up in that place too. He said he and his brother have been sober for about 10 years now. Doug said he met his wife in one of the centers that he was going to for AA.
Howard asked Doug if his wife is hot. Doug said that she is. Doug said he can't go out and drink at all now. Howard asked if Scott is off the stuff now. Doug said that's a difficult question to answer. He said he thinks he's doing okay right now and he's going through a good period in his life.
Doug said that Scott has broken up with his wife again and they have a lot of water under the bridge. Howard said he thinks that Scott might be bi-sexual. Doug said he has seen some of the pictures of Scott kissing the guys in the band and stuff but he thinks they just do that to cause a scandal.
Sal called in as Scott and said that this was Gary's fault that he was told to come in at 9. Howard hung up on him after a few seconds.
Artie said that he'd sing Mother by Pink Floyd if Doug wanted to play guitar. Doug said he doesn't know that one.
Gary said that Doug has produced some big albums over the years. He read through some of the stuff on his resume and it was full of some big stars. Howard said he had the Rick Rubin beard going on too. Howard said he must have a big bank account with a resume like that. Doug said that's not the case. He said they rip off the artists so he doesn't make that much money.
Howard said they'll be interviewing Angelina Jolie's publicist tomorrow. Howard said Doug is a good interview but he's not sure what to do about Scott.
Howard read some news about Katt Williams having troubles lately. Robin said she read that story yesterday during the news.
Steve showed up and read his news preview. Steve was out of breath from the run. Steve then went into a story about the Kenneth Keith Kallenbach death. He said that the Geo Group has been reindicted on charges of a dead inmate at another prison. Steve said that now a grand jury has indicted Vice President Dick Cheney on participating in organized crime because he was linked to the Geo Group. Steve said they'll have more on that story today.
Steve said that they're dedicating a tree to the memory of Leah Walsh at the school where she worked. Steve said that's all he had for now.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of things they were going to try and cover today on the show. While he was going through that Jon mentioned the Artie stuff where he was talking about suicide. That led to Doug asking Artie about what kind of problems they told him he had. Artie said it was clinical depression. Doug said he has that too. Howard said he's not sure what he has but he's in rehab for 3 days a week. Doug said that therapists aren't allowed to reveal what some people have for some strange reason.
Howard ended up playing his cover of Hurdy Gurdy Man for Doug since he is a producer. Howard told him that it's very ''stadium rock.'' Doug listened to the song and seemed to like it. Howard asked if he was on any substance. Doug said he wasn't.
Scott told Howard how he met Doug in rehab and spent a short time talking about that. Howard said he's sure that he wouldn't meet anyone cool in rehab. Scott said that's what ''Slosh'' used to say. Howard asked him why he was calling Slash ''Slosh.'' Scott said that Slash used to wear one of those t-shirts that says ''Rehab is for quitters.''
Howard asked Scott about his problems with the guys in Velvet Revolver. Scott said that it was like family for a few years but things fell apart. Howard said he never got that Velvet Revolver stuff anyway so he's not so upset they broke up.
Howard asked Scott if he's sober. Scott said he hasn't done heroin in 6 years as of December 6th. He said he's taking Suboxin though. He said he's on that stuff so Howard figured that he wasn't really off drugs. Artie said that it doesn't get you high.
Howard asked Scott if a doctor has ever told him what his problem is. Scott said he's bipolar. He said he was also told he had ADD when he was 6 years old. He said that it might have changed things if they had put him on medication back then.
Scott said he has a member of his family that was put on something like Rittalin and stopped getting into trouble after that.
Howard asked Scott if he's ever had a full psychotic break. Scott said he really hasn't. He talked about the stuff he's gone through with this wife and how they've broken up. Scott said his brother died this year because of a drug related thing. He said he's not sure what caused it but he was always severely depressed.
Scott said he was very close with his brother and he was devastated. He said he had to go and identify his body. Howard asked if he overdosed. Scott said he believes that he died of a broken heart. He said he wasn't able to see his kids because of a restraining order. Scott said his brother went to score downtown and that ruined everything. He said his brother's wife heard from him and she said it sounded like he had just given up on everything.
Scott said that he was with his brother last Christmas and had a really good time. Howard asked if they had a bad childhood or something. Scott said it was actually pretty normal. He said there are a lot of alcoholism though. He said that he didn't want to say anything about his family but his mother was sober for 25 years in the program.
Howard asked Scott about his break up and if she was sick of him going in and out of rehab. Scott said she's go there own stuff to go through. Howard asked if he's pissed off at her. Scott said it's very complicated. He said when he had problems he was sort of left to figure stuff out on his own. He said that it's difficult to do that on your own.
Howard asked Scott how long he waited to bang other chicks after they broke up. Scott said it wasn't the same night. He said he does have a girlfriend now. He said that she's a model/actress/director. Doug said that she's super hot. Howard said he'd like to see what goes on there.
Artie asked if she looks like Francis Ford Coppola. Scott jokingly said that's exactly what she looks like. Howard asked if she was in rehab too. Scott laughed and didn't really say. Howard asked if she was in for sex addiction. Scott said that wasn't it.
Howard asked if Scott caught his ex-wife cheating on him. Scott paused and said ''Uhh...'' Howard anted an answer but Scott wasn't saying anything. Scott said he didn't say that she did. He said that he can't say for certain. He said he was sober for 4 years and then had a bender on coke for a few months. He said he told the band that he had to go away to a place that was away from the paparazzi so that's what he did. He said he was there for 3 days when he heard that his wife had another man.
Howard asked Scott if he had a pre-nup. Scott said he did. He said that California is sketchy though so that might not work out in his favor. Howard asked Scott if he wants him to find out what went on with her and this guy. Scott said he'd rather not hear anything about it. He said that she was his addiction for years. He wouldn't go back to her now though.
Howard tried to reenact the call that Scott got from his wife telling him that she was with another guy. Scott said it was pretty brutal for a few days after he got that call.
Howard asked Scott about the guys he used to kiss years ago. Scott said that it was shocking to see the fan base change when they went from being a small band to a big band. He said that when they would play ''Sex Type Thing'' the fans didn't get the irony of what they were trying to put across. He said that there would be guys in the crowd who had this look on their face that made him do what he did.
Howard asked Scott if he still drinks. Scott said that he does drink and he likes Caucasians and White Russians among other stuff. Artie said that stuff can lead to him doing white lines too.
Howard said that Scott put out this new album ''Happy in Galoshes'' and it's a double CD release. Howard said he sings about his wife in some of the songs on the album. Scott said that it wasn't intentional. He said that whenever they had problems they would tell each other they couldn't be around each other. When he'd have problems he'd go to the studio and work on his stuff. He said that Doug is the most un-judgmental guys he knows and he takes in the whole situation and lays it out for him. He said that he would talk to him at the studio to get over all of that stuff and it inspired him to write this stuff.
Howard asked Scott if he wanted to perform some stuff. Scott was ready to do that so they got him a water and some Afrin nose spray. Scott said he's addicted to that stuff. Robin said that Billy West was hooked on that stuff too.
Howard told Scott to just sing with the stuffy nose. Howard told him he's too addicted and needs to get off of everything. Scott said his life was a constant battle before and he thinks he's doing pretty good now. Howard said the guys in Stone Temple Pilots must have been thrilled when he said he was ready to go back to the band. Scott said they were. He said he thinks that they just toured too long the last time they went out.
Howard told Scott to pick just one song because he has to go to a meeting. Then he read that Afrin users can cause their nasal passages to close up completely if they stop using the stuff. Howard said he didn't know that.
Howard said that Doug was playing guitar and Scott was going to sing. The single they have out is ''Cleveland'' and the album is called ''Happy in Galoshes'' and he will be out on tour starting in January. You can find out where his tour is going to be at ScottWeiland.com.
Scott said they were going to be performing ''Killing Me Sweetly'' but he wasn't sure if he knew the lyrics. He said he had them memorized so they went into the song a short time later. The song was one Scott wrote about his wife.
After the song Howard said that was a winner in his book. He said they came up with something good. Robin said his wife should leave him more often. Scott said she used to joke about that actually. Howard told Scott that he still sounds good and hasn't dried up like so many other musicians have.
Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy asked Scott about going on tour with Megadeath back in the 90s. Scott said that was actually the turning point for the band. The caller said that they played a song at a concert he saw and they ended up grabbing a guy and bringing him back stage after he was bad mouthing them. Scott said he didn't remember that.
Howard asked Scott about going to school. Scott said he went to a year of college but then took a year off and then another year off and then never went back.
A woman called in and said she saw Scott in concert recently and didn't think Scott was fat at all. Artie had been calling Scott and Howard fat earlier but it was a joke that the woman didn't get.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he thinks Scott has this condition from using too much Afrin. The guy told him to use some Nasonex instead because it can help him get over it. Scott said the problem is that he can't sing when his nose is stuffed up. Scott said he can't get off the stuff right now. Howard said he should take a couple of months off and get off that stuff. Scott said he'll have to do that. He said Doug was able to get off of that stuff.
Doug said he went cold turkey off the stuff and did it one nostril at a time. He said he was alternating back and forth to get rid of it. Doug told Scott he should get an endorsement deal from Afrin. Artie said he's thinking of trying it himself after hearing this.
Scott said that when he was in rehab he wasn't even allowed to take Sudafed. He said that they told him to take nasal spray instead and that's when he started using the stuff. He had no idea that it was so short acting and that he would get addicted to it.
Ralph called in and asked what's up with Scott wearing skirts on stage years ago. Ralph said he had a picture of him with one on and it didn't look right. Scott said that back in 1993 he did that. Ralph said that this picture he had was from an after show after one of his concerts. Scott said he definitely doesn't wear skirts. Ralph said maybe he was fucked up that night.
Doug said that one time Scott wore little white mini skirts when they were playing tennis. Scott said he just did that for the crew, he didn't wear it in public.
Howard wrapped up with the guys and said he had to get going early today. He said he thinks that they're on to something with this new album. Scott said they found out that they're beating Paul McCartney in iTunes right now. Howard said that's the way you have to do it these days, online. Howard played Scott out with his song ''Cleveland.''
Howard wondered how long Gary has been working there. He should know better than to argue with him. Howard said he could call him later today to go over this stuff. Gary said he will do that. He just has a few things they need to get out of the way.
Howard had Robin start her news after Fred played the new ''Robin Lick My Pole'' song parody. Robin talked over the beginning of it so Howard had Fred start it over again. Robin stayed quiet this time.
Howard was still goofing on Gary about what he said about getting back to the show. He did his impression of Gary and Fred played some Baba Booey song parodies. Gary said that they could have taken all of that time to discuss the stuff they had to discuss. Sal got on Gary's office camera and told Gary to get the fuck out of the studio. The two of them argued for a few seconds before Howard kicked Gary out of the studio.
Robin read some news about the fires out in California and how they were threatening Rob Lowe and Oprah Winfrey's homes. Christopher Lloyd's home was destroyed out there. She had some audio of him talking about the stuff he lost like some old memorabilia. Artie said he was dying to hear him do the Ignatowski voice from Taxi. Artie did his own Ignatowski impression instead.
Robin brought up Ted Kennedy and as soon as she said the name Fred did his ''Er-uhh'' impression of Kennedy. That got Howard started in with his impression a little bit too. Ted is back to work so that's why Robin brought it up. Artie got in on the impressions too. All three of them took turns doing their impressions of the guy.
Robin read a story about people using condoms and asked who is more likely to use them, a teen or a 30 year old. Howard figured it would be the teens.
Ralph called in and said that he can tell when a girl is dirty so he'll use a condom with those girls. He said that if their pussy stinks that's one clue. Howard said that he's had girls with stinky pussy but that doesn't mean they've got something.
Ralph said there's actually an episode of Taxi where Ignatowski's house burns down. Artie remembered that but Howard just moved on and hung up on Ralph.
Robin read some news about how the world could have a water shortage by the year 2080. Howard figured he'll be gone by then.
Robin had a story about unhappy people watching more TV than happy people. Robin said that happy people spend more time reading and socializing. Howard said he loves TV but he's very happy. He said that Beth really makes him happy. Robin said that he's choosing to feel happy though and he's not really happy. Howard said that just playing chess makes him happy so he doesn't understand Artie not being happy. He told him he really needs to get into therapy. The guys went into their Kennedy impressions again a short time later.
Robin had a story about hungry children in the country. She said that 1 in 8 struggle to feed themselves adequately.
Robin read a story about Simon Cowell breaking up with his girlfriend. Howard said she was working on that show Extra and ended up doing an interview with Simon about his break up with her. He figures that they'll fire her soon since she won't have access to the American Idol people anymore.
Robin read some news about the Al Franken acting like he's Senator even though he's still behind by over 200 votes in the election. They're doing a recount because the vote is so close.
Robin read a story about gift cards possibly being worthless after the holidays if companies go out of business. She had a story about the Gulf War Syndrome being a real problem and not something made up like some people think. Artie said the only reason he's kind of cynical about that is because the only two people he's known that have it are Joey Boots and Crazy Cabbie.
Robin said a deer hunter shot and killed a child accidentally when he shot too close to a home. The guy got down off of his hunting stand and shot into the house accidentally. Howard said he remembers hearing guns going off at a camp he used to go to and it was kind of scary.
Robin read a story about the White House being against bailing out the auto industry. She had some audio of a woman talking about them using an existing program to do that instead of the new bail out money. Howard said that New York City got a bail out plan back when Gerald Ford was President and he denied them at first. Then they got the bail out and ended up paying back the money.
Robin had a guy talking about what they're planning on doing to help out the auto industry right now. Howard said that the market is supposed to straighten itself out like they say in Australia. Fred said that's right but countries like Australia aren't in two wars that are costing billions a day.
Robin had a story about the UN getting a beautiful woman to be a ''messenger of peace.'' It turns out to be Charlize Theron. That led to Howard, Artie and Fred doing their Kennedy impressions again and commenting on that story.
Robin read a story about the Twilight movie and book series. She had some audio of some fans going nuts talking about it. She also had the author talking about it. Fred ended up playing the Grandpa Al Lewis ''Blablablablabla... huh'' audio clip while that was playing.
Robin had some news about Quantum of Solace movie being number one at the box office this week. She had Daniel Craig talking about the movie. She also had some news about Mickey Mouse turning 80 and some audio of the character talking about it. John Travolta also had some comments about him so they played that and goofed on him a little bit. Miley Cyrus also had some things to say about Mickey. Artie said he saw that chick being interviewed and she's really annoying and boring. Robin had the Jonas Brothers talking about buying Mickey a rocking chair. Howard cut that off and told them to shut up. They wrapped up their news a short time later and ended the show around 10:35am.
Jon started the guys off talking about Artie and his suicide note. Jon said Artie told the story after Lisa G brought it up. Gary said that the guys told him to read Chapter 9 in Artie's book because that's what he was going to tell on the air as his surprise story when they started there. Gary said that he really wasn't surprised by the story because Artie was into so much shit at the time. He said it was an interesting story to hear it told blow by blow though.
Jon said that you have to be pretty screwed up to get to that point. Gary said the story lasted about 25 minutes and Artie can tell a story like no one else. He said it's sad but there are laughs along the way. Gary said he's one of the most amazing story tellers he's ever seen.
Jon said the least crazy thing that Artie has done is the craziest thing that most other people would ever do. Jon said that he has done some very crazy stuff. He asked Gary how different it is to hear Artie tell the story versus reading it. Gary said he could hear how real it was to Artie while he was telling the story.
Gary said he found it funny how Robin and Howard can make a story like that seem like nothing. They were laughing at him the whole time and made it sound like he didn't try hard enough to kill himself. That led to Jon playing a clip from that segment where they were talking about that stuff.
Jon said that the book, Too Fat To Fish, is a great read. They talked about their favorite chapters and what they liked about the book.
The guys talked about the way Sal was goofing on Gary today too. Gary said that's his one running joke and he can't step on that. Gary said that he finds it hard to get irritated with Sal now that he knows him so well. He said he does get irritated but it's tough.
Jon asked Gary about his time in the studio during the breaks and how they have to get in their pitches to him with a bunch of people in there at the same time.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the musical guests they have on the show aren't that relevant these days. Jon said that they have had Katy Perry and Flo Rida on lately too. Gary said that Howard isn't listening to current music that much so he's not into it. Gary said that they have T-I coming in soon too so that's another current guy. He said that current musicians may not be that interesting so they have to find a hook when they have them in.
The caller suggested a band to Gary to listen to called the Holds Steady. He told Gary he guarantees that he'll like them if he likes Bruce Springsteen. Gary told the guy that even if they're the best band he's heard, he may not be able to get them on the show because it doesn't work like that.
Another caller asked about Fred playing a lot more audio clips today and wondering if it was because of what Howard said to him yesterday. Gary said he thinks he definitely reacted to that. Jon agreed with him on that. He said that Fred was throwing in a lot more today. Jon said that it's pretty incredible how Howard and Fred click the way they do.
Gary said they need to do a whole show about how Fred does his job. He does a lot off of memory and pulls those clips right up.
Benjy said he remembers talking to friends about the show before they started there and how they thought it was all scripted because Fred was so fast. He had to pull carts and they didn't think he could do it that quickly unless it was scripted.
Gary said that they had all of those clips on carts and they probably had 1500-2000 of them. They weren't even able to buy them anymore because they were so antiquated. They didn't know what they were going to do if Fred wasn't there anymore. They tried to put them all in order but they ended up getting all out of order in just days.
Jon said that it's definitely not scripted and Fred is really amazingly fast at pulling up the clips the way he does. Now he does it with computers but it's still amazing.
A caller tried to correct Gary on a word that he had said earlier. Gary said he was being funny when he said it and he knew it wasn't real. The guy also corrected Gary about him talking about Bob Levy ''accidentally'' taking a Xanex. Gary said he was joking about that. He told the guy to adjust the tin foil on his head and try to hear him better. The guy didn't seem to get that they were joking around with him too.
The guy went on to say that Jason was saying something about Howard being monotheistic and Gary said he was agnostic. He had to correct them on that too. Jon said he loves that guy's calls.
Gary said that all of Scott's people were ready to go but Scott apparently wasn't able to get his stuff together. Howard gets upset because he thinks he's being disrespected. Gary said that he knows Howard told him to tell Scott not to come but they're not looking to burn a bridge. Gary said the saving grace was that Scott's producer was there and kept things going until Scott showed up. He probably saved it from being Howard going off on Scott for being late any more than he did.
A caller asked about the Artie suicide thing and if he has tried to kill himself other ways. Gary said that he thinks Artie's did it the way he first thought about doing it with. Jon said he didn't think Artie was planning on jumping out a window or anything like that. The caller didn't think that Artie was the type to try and make headlines by killing himself. Gary didn't think that's what he was going for.
The caller also thought that Scott wasn't able to get a clear sentence out today and it was tough to listen to. He said it reminded him of JD and guys like that.
Gary said that he does speak kind of slowly and Howard was finishing some of his sentences. Gary said that's just the way the guy speaks and he did have some interesting things to say today.
Jon took another call from another guy who thought Scott was very slow today. Gary said he's not sure if he sounded different today than he has in the past. The caller thought he did because he was very erratic.
Another caller asked if they think Teddy told Robin and Howard about that story. Jon cut her off and said she was mixed up with that story. He said that it was Will that knew the story that Artie told for the big revelations show they did. Will kept that story a secret since then and never told anyone about it.
Will came in so Jon asked him about what it was like keeping that story a secret. Jon asked Will if he thought he should tell someone about that story knowing the condition Artie was in. Will said that everyone was concerned with him enough while he was going through all of that.
Will said that the crazy stuff that's gone on there with Artie's attack on Teddy is more shocking to him than the suicide story.
The guys asked Will if he knew why Artie had to talk to lawyers about that story. Will didn't know why that was. Will said that he still has one revelation that he's been keeping a secret. Gary didn't think it was that great but Will said it really is a good one. He said if they do another revelation show then it would be a great one to tell.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that it's illegal to commit suicide in this country so that might be why Artie had to check with the lawyers. Gary didn't seem to think that was it.
The caller also said that there's a new TV show called ''Too Fat to Toddle'' and he wondered if it had something to do with Artie. Gary didn't think that was the case.
Jon asked Benjy if he thinks that story would have come out on the air if it hadn't been in the book. Benjy said there's a good chance that it would have come up at some point.
Jon also asked Benjy if he has ever been in that place where he's thought of taking his life. Benjy said he has thought about how he would do it if he were in immense pain or something but he would never consider it otherwise.
Jon asked if other guys on the show have said they have thought about it. Benjy said he thinks Howard said he had a gun to his head at one time. Benjy said a friend of his friend Sheila died last year because of suicide. Benjy said that Artie really could have ended it back then and that could have been it for him. Benjy said Artie thinking about how he might meet in death is the kind of thing that could drive them to do it.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked him if he's happy watching so much TV. Jon said he's very happy and he enjoys watching TV. He said he gets a kick out of it and watches it for entertainment. He said he's one of those strange guys who enjoys TV and is happy. The caller said that he can't even get through a TV show without his kids bugging him to play with them. That led to Jon talking about how he loves his DVR because he can watch stuff when he gets the chance.
Benjy said that he loves The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm. He said he watches Lost and Law and Order too. Jon said his job kind of lets him watch it too so he's lucky that way.
Another caller said that Scott Weiland's voice was getting to him this morning too. He said he wasn't able to come up with the words to get the thoughts out of his head. Gary agreed he did sound strange today but who knows what was going on?
Jon took another call from a guy who said he heard Scott bring up the Suboxin thing. He said he tried taking a quarter of one of those pills and it's pretty serious stuff. The guy said that it's only a blocker if you're taking the other stuff with it. The guy said Scott sounded aright today but he's not sure what was up with him today. Gary said that it might not be the same experience for everyone. They only know what it did to this caller.
Another caller said he read Artie's book in a day and really enjoyed it. He said he's reading some of the chapters again. He said that the dedication wasn't what he really expected. He figured that he would dedicate it to his mother, who was hot in the pictures he saw. Gary said he hadn't really thought about it until now. Benjy said the whole book is kind of a dedication to his mom, dad and sister.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's not an emotional guy but he read the chapter in Artie's book about his father and he started to cry his eyes out. The guy said that he can just imagine how Artie feels inside. Jon agreed that it was a great chapter in the book. Jon said that he's glad that the book is doing well.
Jon brought up how quickly Teddy was able to get Artie his Klondike bar today. Teddy said that he had to do it quickly for the bit he was doing. Teddy said the book signing tour is crazy right now and they're going to be out on Long Island today doing another one. They had to go to break a short time later.
Sal said he just told Gary that he felt bad and he told him to stop it. Gary came back in around that time and asked Sal if he felt bad about being unfunny or about what he did to him.
Sal said that it gets under Gary's skin when he goofs on him as if he's a bad producer. Gary said that it's fine and it doesn't bother him anymore. He said he knows that he's really just busting his balls. Sal said he really does think that though.
Benjy said that Sal is always worried about Howard busting his balls and he thinks that he's getting that same feeling that he might be bothering Gary in that way.
Jon said that Sal takes it very personally when Howard says something to him. Sal said that there is some truth to every joke no matter what it is. Gary said you do wonder about that stuff. Gary had to run out again around that time so they had to drop what they were trying to get to with him. They were talking about how Howard was able to get under Gary's skin when Gary didn't think he could do it.
Sal said he gets that vibe too and thinks that Ralph could be gay. He goes on vacations by himself and does some other stuff that makes it appear that he's gay. He said if he were a guy like Ralph, he'd be banging every hot chick he could get his hands on.
Sal asked why Ralph is never with a girl and why he never calls in to talk about the chicks he has been with. Jon said he has talked about some girls he's been with. Sal said he could be wrong but Ralph could defend himself if he wanted to.
Benjy said that he thinks that Ralph may have done some stuff before but he can't imagine why he wouldn't come out if he was gay.
Sal said that Michael Jackson was accused of molesting kids so would they be surprised if he was found to be guilty tomorrow. Sal said he wouldn't be shocked. He said that based on that it's the same thing with Ralph and what circulates around him. He said that he wouldn't be surprised if Ralph was busted for getting fucked up the ass tomorrow.
Jon said that the conversation was about guys who appear to be gay who are in heterosexual relationships. Benjy said that if Ralph is gay, it must be very occasional and there aren't that many guys out there that he's been with. Sal said maybe he's fucking that guy who has kids.
Jon had Ralph on the phone. Ralph said that he wanted to know what video it was that they were projecting and trying to figure him out in. Jon said it could have been one of those Evaluator bits or something.
Jon asked Ralph if he's gay or not. Ralph said he was and joked that he wanted Sal to take his ass. Sal applauded him for coming out of the closet but it sounded like Ralph was just joking around. Ralph said he's not gay, he's just very happy.
Ralph said he finds this funny and he knows that what he does for a living is kind of gay. He's not surprised by these discussions at all. Ralph said he was called a fag when he was growing up because he was into this fashion stuff. He's not gay though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they talk about gay guys with kids and he thinks they should talk about Gary. He said that Gary is always drooling over KC and John Stamos and talking about other gay stuff too. Jon said he's also said he's constantly hit on by gay guys. Sal said that he drools because he's half an orangutan and the gay guys are after him because his mouth smells like an asshole.
Ralph said that a gay guy realizes that he's gay and he doesn't get why they think that a guy wouldn't know he's gay. Ralph said he's pretty sure that Gary bangs Mary and he's not gay.
Jon asked the guys who would surprise them the least if they came out of the closet. The guys all thought about it for a short time. Sal said he loves this guy but he doesn't want to say who it is. Jon said that if Richard came out, he would be the least surprised about that.
Sal said he was thinking Kevin Kraft based on the gay porn covers he's seen. He said he looks like those guys he's seen on those covers.
Ralph said he thinks Artie has had some gay experiences because he's so into the drug scene. Jon said he thinks Benjy has been in some stuff. Benjy said he's been in situations where guys are in the room but he didn't want them to be there.
Sal said that he had a guy solicit him to do something when he was in school. He said this guy was watching him get a blow job while the guy was doing her in the ass. He said that was kind of creepy. Sal said that guy turned out to be gay and he figured out that he was getting off while staring at him while he did the chick in the ass.
Ralph asked the guys if they think Fred has done anything. No one wanted to talk about that. Sal told them to hit the dump button so Fred wouldn't hear that.
Jon let Ralph go and took some more calls. One guy said he'd be the least surprised if JD was gay. Sal said he would be the most surprised. He said he doesn't think JD is gay at all. The caller said JD hates women but Sal said he's just frustrated by them, he doesn't hate them.
Another caller said that Sal is the snake charmer so he wouldn't be surprised if he were gay. That led to Sal talking about some of the gay stuff he's done on the show but he said that's just for the show. Jon said that they claim that those are just stunts for the show so they say it's not really gay. Sal said it really is just stupid stunts and silly stuff. Sal said that if it is gay, it's gay, and so what?
Sal said that they goof on people on the show kind of like they do on Entourage with the gay guy on there. He said that they might need to hire a gay guy that they can goof on like that.
Jon brought up the Eric the Midget call that came today. Sal said that he thinks everyone is getting fed up with Eric because it's the same thing over and over again. Sal said it's time for him to find a new angle. He said it's getting redundant.
Benjy said he loves Eric the Actor and the demands he makes. Sal said he needs a new agenda and something real. He said that nothing he's demanding is going to happen. Jon said that's the fun part of his calls though.
Jon said that they also played the Hurdy Gurdy Man song a couple of times today. He asked the guys if they think Howard believes he could have had a hit song with that. Sal said he thinks that Howard thinks he sounds good in the song but he doesn't realize that he's tone deaf. He said there's no way that song would be a hit single.
Sal said Howard's voice was jacked up in that song and he can't really sing. Jon said he thinks Sal believes he has a good singing voice too. Sal said he does his best but he doesn't think it's that great. He said he can kind of sing but he's not really ''good.'' They had to end the show after that.
Howard started off the show asking Robin if she got rid of her cold. She said it's going away. Howard said the e-mailers said that they're upset with her about her colds. Some people suggested she rethink her diet and think about it more.
Artie said he named his diet ''If you want to die young diet'' or simply ''Die Young Diet.'' Howard asked Artie about his book signings and how he's been choppering into the places. Artie said he hates traffic so much that he has to fly in. He said a couple of years ago they did a show somewhere and Artemis Pyle was there. His security guard was a former cop who recognized him after he had been pulled over. The guy didn't have time to waste with him so he left him alone. He said that the guy left him on the side of the road and Artie slept there. The guy came back and found him the next morning still there. Artie said that was easily a true story but he didn't remember it.
Artie said that he was going to go to this signing yesterday but he didn't think he could make it there on time if he left at 5. He had to do a lot of interviews and stuff so Teddy remembered this security guy had a helicopter service too so they called and asked about that. The guy was just going to charge for fuel to go out there. Artie said he was going to pay more though because he'd never do that.
Artie said that the guy only charged him $500 to fly out there but he's going to send him $1,500. Artie said they made it by flying along the shoreline in 31 minutes. Howard said that's fantastic.
Artie said they flew from Wall Street out to this place on Long Island and he's not sure where it was but it was only a 15 minute drive to the book store.
Robin said that Artie threw something at Teddy a few months ago. This guy obviously loves Artie because he thinks of his every need.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie's book, ''Too Fat To Fish,'' made him cry. He said it was the chapter where he talked about trying to kill himself. He said he was crying on the train on the way there.
Howard said at Artie's book signings people will bring him food. He said that Jackie used to eat the food people would bring him so he had to talk to him about that. One time they had a fish on the show that the spanked a girl with and Jackie took it home to eat. Howard did his Jackie impression and told the guys what he said that day when he wanted to take it home. Howard said Jackie told him that he actually did take it home and ate it.
Howard said Artie gets all kinds of food at these signings. Artie said it's insane how much stuff they bring to him. He had people bringing him Hawaiian Punch and stuff like that. Artie wasn't able to bring it with him because the chopper has a weight limit.
Artie said he has a policy where he won't eat shit they bring but out in L.A. He had this nice woman bring him home made brownies. He said they smelled so good that he had to eat them. He usually won't eat that stuff though.
Howard told Artie he's got a problem and these people are enabling him. Artie said people will bring him bottles of Vikodin and stuff to sign too. He said he's not supposed to sign that stuff because the book stores don't like that.
Howard had some video of Artie taking some stuff from the fans. Artie said he looks like he just got out of a coffin in that shot. Howard said he didn't even brush his hair. Artie said he definitely looks like the guy on the cover of the book.
Artie said that one time up in Boston a woman handed him a huge sheet cake with his face on it. He didn't know what to do with it.
Howard read some mail about Scott Weiland on the show yesterday. Some people didn't like the way he was mumbling and not answering questions. Some people joked that it was just JD doing an impression of Scott.
Artie said he thought that Scott was jonesing for something during the interview. He said he looks like he's on the edge. Howard said Ronnie told him that too but he didn't see it himself. Artie said he was chewing gum and using that Afrin stuff. He said that's crazy.
Robin said that Scott doesn't look like the same guy they knew years ago. Robin thought he looked like a corpse. Howard said he didn't see that either and said that he thought he looked good.
Howard said there's a lot of interest in Hurdy Gurdy Man song that he played yesterday. The fans want it posted on the web for them to download. Howard said he's not going to let anyone touch it the way it is now.
Howard said that the two of them get $100 per hour that they're handcuffed together. If they go the full 24 hours they get an extra $1,000. He said there's a lot at play there and JD is claiming that he's only going to last the length of the show.
Robin and Artie said that if he quits he shouldn't get anything. Howard said that's not the contest. Robin said they have to do something to keep JD in it. Howard said they can't change the rules now. Gary said that's what they came up with and there's nothing they can do to keep him in there other than what they've offered.
Robin said JD told her that he won't do it more than 5 hours. Howard said they'll find out today. Robin said that JD took his tax return and gave it to a stripper. That's the kind of guy they're dealing with.
JD came in and said that he wants to correct Robin. He said he will try to last longer than the 5 hours but he's not sure he can make it 24 hours. JD said he's not sure he can last that long.
Artie told JD that a lot of chicks would love to be in his position. Howard said he thinks that JD will last the full 24 hours. Robin said she wanted to bet Howard so that JD would stay in it. Robin said she doesn't think JD will do it. Artie took her up on that bet and bet her $500 that he would stay in it. Robin told JD not to disappoint Artie in that.
Howard said that JD has 34 minutes of freedom left and that he should enjoy it. Artie said it would be great if Jared was fuckin' a chick during that 24 hours. Gary wondered if they should have Jared in now. Howard said he could bring him in. Robin asked where they're going to be staying. Jared came in and said that JD is welcome at his place.
Jared said he's in for the full 24 hours if JD is up for it. Jared said they're going to the gym so there will be some sweat involved. Jared said they're going to be doing stuff today that he has to do. He said that the gym is important to him so he wants to make that happen.
Howard asked Jared and JD if they're going to become friends through this. JD laughed and said they won't be more friendly than they are now. Jared said he doesn't think that will happen based on JD's reaction. JD said he will try to work with Jared on the stuff he has to do today.
Jared said he wouldn't mind going back to JD's place tonight to sleep but he's heard that he doesn't want him there. Jared said he's willing to do anything to make this thing go 24 hours.
Jared said he was thinking about this last night and he may have a problem running on the treadmill at the gym. He said he thinks he can do it if JD stands on the one next to him. Jared will also be showering after that so JD will have to be in the shower with him. JD said he doesn't want to see that at all.
Howard asked the guys who was going to be doing what today at work. JD said that it depends on what hand he has free. He said he may be able to work. Jared said he should be able to work from his Blackberry today. He said that he may need 10 minutes to run back to his desk once in a while though. Jared said he spends a couple of hours in the gym too so that's what they'll be doing today. JD didn't have anything to do so he has the time to do that.
Jared has a party to go to tonight and he's hoping that JD drops out before them. Jared said that the club is one of the most exclusive clubs in the city but they're willing to have JD come if they're still handcuffed together.
Howard said JD is going to look like the slob that he is if they do go to that party. JD said he didn't even shave.
Howard heard that Jared shits around 2pm every day so he'll probably be doing that. JD said he may not even eat today. He said he'll fast if he has to. JD is nervous about the whole thing and he didn't want to be involved in it at all. He doesn't want cameras on him the whole day and having someone handcuffed on him.
Howard said that Jared really seems to want this money. Jared said he could use the money and he's hoping the get the full amount.
Howard asked about the party he's going to and if they're going to have hot chicks there. Jared said they're a bunch of investment bankers so he's not sure about that. Artie figured that guys like that have hot chicks.
Robin asked JD what he's going to do after he goes through this. JD said he has things to do this weekend so he won't have much time to celebrate.
Robin asked if they're going to let JD into this party. Jared said his friend told him that they won't mind having him there if he is handcuffed to him at the time.
Howard and Robin asked JD if he thinks he will start to like Jared after this. JD said ''I don't know Robin.'' in that Napoleon Dynamite way.
Jared said that he's not going to try and make JD quit or anything. He thinks they should work together and try to make as much money as possible. JD said he'll do what he can. JD said it's the situation and not even Jared that's what he doesn't like.
Howard asked Jared what he's going to do if he picks up a girl tonight and she wants to bang him. Jared said he'd have to cross that line when he gets there. Howard noticed that JD hadn't even looked at Jared once since he came into the studio. He asked JD if he wanted to practice looking at him now. JD said ''I don't know...huh huh huh...''
Howard told JD that it's a very close, intimate thing and he can't even look at the guy. Robin told him to take this as a learning experience and learn some moves.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he's going to add another $1,000 if they make it to the 24 hours. He said that if one person leaves before the 24 hours, he's going to give the other person the full $2,000.
Howard was going to ask Dominic a question but Dominic didn't want to talk about the marriage situation. Howard told him that's not what it's about. Howard said he doesn't know how Dominic runs his business because he sends him a message and he doesn't return his call. Dominic said he didn't get the message but he heard about the call and he appreciates him calling.
Howard said he tried calling Dominic and they didn't even seem to know who he was over there. Howard said he asked them to tell Dominic that he called and he never heard back from him. Howard said he doesn't get the message over there. Dominic said that he loves them all and the whole marriage thing will be over soon and he'll talk to them about that later. He also let them know that he weighs just 208 pounds right now. Fred played the ''Bullshit!'' clip when he said that. Then Fred played the sound of a plate smashing as Dominic was getting off the line. Howard wished the guys luck and let them go a short time later.
Howard said he wanted to thank the series ''24'' for this incredible human experiment. He said they have this special movie premiere this weekend. Howard said that Howard TV launched 3 years ago today and they will be covering all of that JD and Jared thing.
Howard said that he read that Bill Kinison is getting his book ''Brother Sam'' made into a movie. The book is about his brother Sam Kinison. They have a director and producer lined up for the movie and HBO picked up on it after 8 years of trying to get it made.
Gary said that he had a picture of the guy who will be playing Sam in the movie. Artie thought that Paul Giamatti would be a great person for that role.
Howard read the article about the movie and they didn't have the actor's name. Fred found it and it was Dan Fogler. Artie said he knows that guy and he's a talented actor. Howard said Sam died 16 years ago and he'd be 54 years old now if he had lived. Howard said he'd like to see it as a feature film but he's just glad it's being made.
Howard said he hasn't seen Bill Kinison in a long time. He wonders how they're going to portray Sam in the movie.
Howard said he didn't know it but iPhone made this thing with Google that allows you to talk to your iPhone and ask it where something is and it will tell you. He said he knows what that can be like with his voice mail system.
Howard read that the app is pretty cool but it doesn't work all the time. Howard said this guy asked for a Starbucks but he got listings for places you can get your ears pierced. Howard said some people think it would be easier to just type it in than talk to it.
Howard said there was a picture of a 10 year old kid in the paper today who lived in ''some shitty country,'' Pakistan and he had this tissue building up on his left hand. The kid looks like Popeye in the picture with the hand like that. Howard showed Robin the picture and said he just needs the anchor on his forearm to be exactly like him.
Howard said the kid has problems and his father tried to help him find him help. He looked all over the world and finally found some help here in the United States. The guy didn't have the money to pay for the kid's problem so a doctor volunteered to do it pro bono. Howard said that's how great this country is. He said the kid will go on to live a healthy life but that life is going to be in Pakistan. Howard said they should beg to stay here in this country instead.
Artie said he was up in Canada doing a show and they brag about the socialized medicine. Robin said if you get cancer up there you get put on a waiting list. Artie said that if the health care system worked in this country worked he'd be all for it. Robin said it works, it's just the paying for it that doesn't work.
Richard came in and told the guys about this guy who has warts all over his feet and hands. He said that they call him the Tree Man because he looks like a tree. He said they had a doctor go to help him and the doctor had to travel through the woods for like an hour just to help the guy out.
Howard said they should do a documentary on Richard about his E. Coli. He asked him to talk about that. Richard said it's food poisoning and he thinks he got it from the sausage pizza he had out there. Howard said that maybe it's from pissing in his diaper and stuff like that. Richard said he washes his hands all the time so it can't be from that.
Artie asked him about the washing hands and not taking a shower thing. Richard said that comes from living in a storage garage down in Florida. Artie said that he doesn't live there anymore. Richard said that habits are hard to break.
Howard told Richard to stay away from everyone. Artie said he doesn't want him there and he's going to go to Human Resources to complain about him.
Howard said that there are these Cheetah Girls on the Disney Channel and they're now being kept out of the Marcy's Day Parade because they've been doing sexy photo shoots. Howard said that they have this great racket going over there and they should dress like nuns to keep their jobs.
Howard said that Elliot Spitzer's hooker is going out and talking to the press finally. Howard said this chick is dressing like a nun now that she's on TV. Howard said her shirt was buttoned up to her chin. Artie said he wants to see that interview.
Howard said they had a picture of that chick in People magazine and she doesn't look hot anymore. They made her look like a Yenta housewife from Long Island. Artie said she looked attractive to him. Howard said she looked mannish to him. Artie said he wants to fuck the shit out of her, there's something about her that he likes.
Gary said that he was reading about the Cheetah girl whose pictures were leaked out. They say that she claimed that her laptop was stolen and that's how they got out. It turns out she lied and she released them herself saying that she wanted to spread her wings before Disney let her go.
Howard said that this guy Senator Ted Stevens didn't get reelected up in Alaska. Howard said the guy was found guilty of accepting gifts from corporations. Howard said it was a close race but they just found out that Stevens didn't win. Howard said those people up in Alaska would rather have a criminal in office than this other guy. He said he can't believe that many people voted for him. Howard said it sounds like they don't have brains up there with this Ted Stevens and Sarah Palin crap going on.
Artie said that those two are complete opposites. Howard said that he didn't see much of a difference between the two. He said that JD could hide his looks with some sunglasses or something and pretend to be Dave Grohl or someone like that. They watched JD and Jared as they walked down the hall. Howard said he thinks that JD wants out already. They went into Gary's office so Howard figured they were getting the key already.
The handcuffs the guys had were furry so they wouldn't be injured by it. JD said he hated it already and they had just put the cuffs on. Gary was going to hold the keys so JD was already freaking out wondering how they were going to get out of it if he wasn't around. Gary said they'd have the key on his desk.
Howard asked Jared if it was awkward so far. Jared said it was but they'd get used to it. JD asked if he's been handcuffed to someone before. Jared joked that he has.
Howard told the guys to go kick off their morning. They were going to start out in JD's office since he had some work to do. Jared said he has his Blackberry and he'll be doing what he can with that. Jared is Tim Sabean's assistant and said that Tim is very understanding about the whole thing.
Robin said they have to sleep together so that will be weird. Jared said that JD goes to sleep earlier too so that's going to be tough. They said that JD will probably be sleeping at the party tonight. Fred was doing his impression of JD mumbling and had JD laughing his ass off at him.
Howard sent the boys off and Artie said that he thinks this is going to turn into a fashion statement and hot chicks are going to want to have nerds handcuffed to them.
Howard said that the two of them were in JD's office and JD was working with both hands. Jared was just letting his one hand go with JD's. Howard said it's weird because JD is ignoring Jared and going about his work without asking him if it's okay.
Artie said JD is good at just sitting there and not reacting to anything. Howard said it looks like JD is already getting annoyed. Howard said he thinks Jared is trying to help JD work. Howard told Jared to try and help JD work and maybe advise him on how to work. Howard said he feels like Margaret Mead watching this like some kind of documentary.
Howard said the two seemed to be talking to each other. Gary said they had the audio if they wanted to tune in and hear it. Fred said he tried it a few times and wasn't getting anything. Howard said he had to take a break anyway.
He took a call before going to break. A caller asked if the contest is over when they take the cuffs off if they go to the gym. Howard said it is over as soon as the cuffs come off. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back after the song and didn't know that Fred was playing music. Howard said he had to get Bam Margera in there in a minute. He said that Bam has a special coming up and he's got Mark the Bagger in it. Artie said he saw a special with Bam on MTV and that chick he married is hot. Howard said that was the same chick he was in there with one other time. Howard said he thinks Bam is the kind of guy who would let Artie bang his wife. Artie said the bigger obstacle would be his wife.
Howard congratulated Bubba the Love Sponge because he just got his ratings in Tampa where he's on terrestrial radio and he's number one down there. Howard said that they claim that you can't get big ratings in tough economic times but that's obviously not true. Artie said Bubba was a good move on Howard's part. He also mentioned that he'll be on Bubba's show tomorrow.
Howard said they were wondering about why the prices of gas were falling now and Brent sent him a long e-mail explaining the whole thing. Howard said he felt like he was back in high school reading this stuff. Howard said he deleted the e-mail and he really doesn't know what it's about. He said he really didn't care what the reasons were.
Artie said that the gas they use for the helicopter he took yesterday went from 10 bucks a gallon down to 2 bucks. Howard told him he can talk to Brent about that and he'll tell him why that is. Howard said they should make Brent the chief of energy czar under Barack Obama.
Howard played the message and Eric was saying he wanted to butt fuck Natalie and make her squeal like a pig. He mentioned his whores Haley and Cherry and said that it's going to cost Natalie her butt hole to be friends with him again.
Howard said Eric is obsessed. Howard said he's saying disparaging things about Natalie and it's obvious he's in love with her. Howard said Eric couldn't even butt fuck her because he's so small. Artie asked when Natalie is going to have the chance to apologize to him.
Howard told Artie to clean himself up because he heard that Bam was bringing his wife in with him. He asked Gary to bring him in but Gary told him that Bam wasn't even there yet. Howard said he would have spent more time on Eric the Midget if he knew they weren't there.
Robin asked where Natalie was and why she wasn't calling in. Howard said he doesn't think Natalie cares to apologize to Eric.
Lisa said that tonight the NY Times Best Seller list comes out so they should know where Artie is on there. Howard said he hopes they're good numbers because Artie may end up back on heroin. Artie said that he's number one at Barnes and Nobel and Borders and even his audio book is number one.
Howard said he got a letter from someone who tried complimenting him but ended up insulting him. Howard read the e-mail from this guy who said that the book was going to be important for the Stern Show and they have proven that. Howard said the guy said that the book has given the show some clout now after it lost some when it moved to satellite. Howard didn't give the guy's name out and said he really didn't care about that.
Howard said that the guy states the sales of the book and told them that they did it, the show is still at its full power and it shows that everyone is wrong. Howard said that he wanted to write to this guy and tell him that if the book didn't do well, that means the show sucks? He said the guy seems to be saying that they should keep it going or the show is going to suck. Howard said if that guy was working for him... Howard said he didn't want to say who it was and told Artie not to get worked up over it. Artie said he had some ideas of who it was.
Howard said people should shut the fuck up and not send stuff like that. Artie said that someone said something about his movie not doing well on the premiere weekend. He said that Howard said that his movies never do well.
Artie said that the person should have run that e-mail past him first instead of sending it to Gary. Robin said that they have no way of getting through to the show so they have to go through Gary. Gary thought they were making fun of him or something. Howard said Gary doesn't understand anything. That led to Fred playing a Baba Booey song parody.
Howard told Gary that he was overreacting and Robin was just trying to help him out saying what she did. Fred said it's like when you turn on your can opener and the dog comes running into the kitchen thinking it's going to get fed. Gary hears his name and thinks he did something wrong. Gary said that's exactly what it's like. He hears his name and thinks he's going to get his head bashed in.
Howard said that he has this kind of stuff on him constantly. He said he gets so worked up over stuff like that all the time. Lisa asked him how his big meeting went. Howard said it was wonderful and everyone is on top of things there. Howard sounded sarcastic about that but had Lisa move on.
Howard said that he wanted to hear what Lisa had to say so she got back to her news preview. Lisa said that she spoke to David Herman about helping to save Artie's life. David told her that they were close but he really didn't do anything more than a friend would do.
Lisa said they have a story about George Takei appearing in the British show ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'' with Martina Navratalova. They caught him peeing outside of the camp so he's gotten into some trouble over that on the show. She was done with her news after that.
Eric said he thinks that Johnny's Ambien kicked in so that's why he had fallen asleep. Howard said that the snoring was getting a little loud so he might have to let him go. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. Eric said he wants his apology by the end of the week so he needs it by tomorrow. He said he knows they're off next week.
Howard asked Eric what he's going to do if he doesn't get one. Eric said he has no clue but he'll think of something. Howard said it's like a mad house with Johnny snoring and Artie on the phone that way.
Howard said he had Natalie on the phone if Eric wanted to speak to her. Howard put her on and it was High Pitch Eric. High Pitch said that he'd let Eric suck on his asshole. She told Eric to make Johnny stop snoring, she couldn't hear.
Eric told High Pitch to shut the fuck up. Eric goofed on High Pitch and asked if he had any clean shirts. High Pitch went off on him calling him a midget.
Howard wondered how women sleep with men because this snoring was insane. Robin said it reminds you that you're there. Eric blamed the Ambien and the show for putting Johnny to sleep.
Johnny sounded like he was going to wake up but his snoring continued. Howard said he couldn't sleep through that if he were a woman. He said he'd have to get separate bedrooms. Howard listened in for a few seconds and just stayed quiet for a few seconds as Johnny snored.
Howard said his father snores like that. Howard said his mother wanted to sleep head to toe because of it. He said that she sleeps with her head at his feet. He said that's got to be disgusting. Howard said it can't help either because it's not that far from the snoring. He's not sure how she deals with it. Robin said her father snored so loud that they could hear it outside when they were playing.
Howard said that snoring stuff is the kind of thing that leads to divorce. They continued to listen to Johnny snoring. Howard said it sounds like sawing wood. Artie said that it's like Fred Flintstone sleeping with the sheets rolling back and forth.
Yucko the Clown called in and said that Eric is the most ungrateful little bastard they've ever known. He said they did shows with him out in San Fran and San Diego and people were taking pictures with him because he's a mutant. Eric asked Yucko what his ex-wife is doing now. Yucko said she's probably got a big black dildo in her. Howard said that Eric got Yucko there about that. He said that's a big target for Yucko. Yucko said that at least he can walk.
Howard asked Eric if he knows what Yucko's wife is doing. Eric said he had nothing else. Yucko said Eric tried to do stand-up out at the show and he can't even stand up. Howard said that's a low blow. Artie said that Eric was in the front row of the show and when he introduced him he got booed for about 10 minutes. Howard said that is pretty rough. That means you have a bad personality. Howard asked him if he really got booed. Eric said he did. Yucko said that's because he acts like a little asshole on the show.
Howard asked why they're at each other's throats. Eric told Yucko to do a Michael Jackson and go molest another kid. Howard asked where he got that from. Eric said that Yucko was accused of child molestation on his first appearance on the show. Howard said he thinks he was joking about that. He let Eric go a short time later and went to break.
Howard had the guys bring in Bam Margera. He said Bam is one of the original Jackass guys. He brought his wife, Missy, in and his friend Novak with him too. Bam said that he's know this guy since he was 13 years old and he wrote a book about skating.
Howard asked the guy about ruining his life with heroin. Howard asked Novak if he kicks himself in the head for ruining it with heroin. Bam said he was so messed up he tried to get it on with his mother one time. Howard asked Novak how that happened. He said he had shot up a lot of heroin and thought it was a chick he had been with and he went into her room and stuck his hand up her skirt. He said that he felt some wetness and she fled really quick after that.
Artie said he never tried to do that to his mother. He was never that high. Howard said Missy seems like such a proper young lady sitting there and he can't imagine her being involved with these guys. He said she seems to be very upstanding. She said she is and she's the voice of reason with them.
Bam said he lost his $40,000 wedding ring at this concert he went to. Missy said she cried for a week about that. Bam said they got it back though. Howard said he's watching Missy's body language and it seems like she's not to happy about this stuff. Missy said she didn't know that she was marrying all of Bam's friends when she marred Bam.
Howard asked Novak why he goes along with the stuff that Bam makes him do. He said he'd rather go along with that than do anything else. Bam said that he draws up some pictures and they have the people at Miami Ink tattoo them on Novak. Novak puts up with it and doesn't seem to care.
Novak showed some of the tattoos he had on him and they were just random writings and drawings that were all over him. He's got drug references and stuff written on him. One of the things on him was a splotch that turns out to be where Bam's cum was on him.
Howard said he noticed that Novak wasn't wearing any underwear. He said he's obviously not shy. Bam said that Novak was at this restaurant and they asked him to cover up his ass. He told them to fuck off and ended up getting food poisoning that night.
Bam said that they did this thing one time where they were going to do a stunt and they had to watch an instructional video and Novak didn't watch it so he did everything wrong and had one of the worst slams that the guys had ever seen on a skate board.
Howard asked Missy if she's happy doing this stuff. She said she loves it and it's never boring. Gary came in and said that Novak is willing to do just about anything for money. He said that if they offered him $100 he might lick Richard's taint. Novak said he'd do it and he didn't even know who he was. Artie started laughing his ass off when he thought Novak said the N-word about Richard. It turns out he said ''minger'' which they had to explain to the guys.
Richard came in and said that he didn't know what he was going to get out of this taint licking. Howard said he'd give both of them $250 courtesy of ManGroomer.com. Novak said that he would even take a stroke or two for that money. Richard said he wasn't going to let him blow him. Novak was ready to do it and kept telling Richard to drop his pants.
Bam told Novak not to hold back when he goes in there. He told him he should be naked too. Bam said he'd throw in another 30 bucks. Missy gave him another 5. Novak said he was going right in there for his asshole. He went right in and everyone was going nuts in the studio when they saw it. Bam and Missy were laughing.
Artie said that it looked like a naked heroin addict raping Richard. They showed the replay on Howard TV and had Novak laughing at himself. Novak told everyone to buy his book, ''Dreamseller,'' after that.
Artie asked Novak if he ever tried to fuck his dad. Novak said he didn't but his dad is a drug addict himself. He said he went and kicked in his door the other night to talk to him about the book he wrote. He said his father didn't even know he had a son. He said his father had a heart attack at 67 years old because of drinking Nyquil and stuff like that. He said that 67 year old guys aren't supposed to drink Nyquil to get high.
Bam told a story about Novak being on the Worlds Stupidest Criminals because he stole some money, went out to Colorado and broke into a gas station. Then he fell asleep in the store and the cops caught him. Novak told the cops he had been asleep in bed so he couldn't have robbed the store. The cops told him that he was in the store covered in glass and not in bed.
Howard said that Novak just put his tongue up Richard's asshole. Novak said that Richard was a faggot for pulling away from him. Richard said that if he did that to him he doesn't know where else he's been. Richard told him to get checked for E. Coli now. Howard said that might be a good idea.
Bam said that Novak will fuck anyone and he had a chick he was talking to at a club one night and when another chick came up to him and stole him away, he told the other chick that he'll fuck anyone and left her hanging.
Howard said he might have to read Novak's book after hearing his philosophy. Richard asked him how he tasted. Novak said he tasted pretty bland actually. Richard said he's shit since he showered last. Artie sounded disgusted by that.
Howard asked why Novak isn't part of the Jackass crew. Richard said they should put him in it if they make a third Jackass movie. Bam said that Novak has paid his dues and he doesn't even think about doing anything before he does it. Howard asked Novak if he has a death wish. Novak said he just figures when it's his time to go, he'll go.
Howard said Novak doesn't seem to have any fear and he'd probably like to go out and find Osama bin Laden. Novak was saying that he wanted to find Osama bin Laden and fuck him when he does. He said he he'd make tons of money doing that.
Bam told a story about Novak eating a reindeer eyeball one time and he shit it out solid. Bam said that he shot it for this movie that's coming out in December that's called ''Bam Margera Presents: Where the #$&% is Santa? '' Bam said the eyeball came out with no shit around it which was really weird. Novak said he doesn't think his body works right.
Howard asked Missy about all of this stuff. She said that she thinks it's all funny. Howard said that there must be some things that Novak doesn't do. He said there are some things he wouldn't do. Howard asked Bam if he's ever offered his wife to his friends. Bam said he did that with his old girlfriend and that went down in flames.
Missy said that she won't do that kind of stuff for Bam. Bam said that he had a foursome that time with his ex-girlfriend. He tried to get Missy to do it one time but she told him that she would never do that.
Howard said he was still amazed that Novak's mother was wet when he snuck in and stuck his hand up her skirt. Novak said he was coming off of pills at the time and he was following around an imaginary pig that he was hallucinating.
Howard asked Novak if he's considered mentally ill or anything. He said it's just an addiction problem and he's really all there. That came from a guy that just licked Richard Christy's asshole.
Novak said his mother was telling him to stop that night and he didn't know it was his mother. She kept telling him it was her but he wasn't taking no for an answer.
Gary came in and said that Sal just went to the bathroom and he has a hemorrhoid and wanted to know if Novak wanted to lick that. Howard said he's not sure he wants to do that. Bam said he'd give him $100 to do it. Novak was up for it. Novak told him to bring it on. Howard said he's not sure he wants to do it.
Sal came in so Howard asked him if he got jealous or something. Sal said it was Richard's idea, not his. Sal said his 'roid is throbbing and hurts and he doesn't want anyone licking it. Sal said it would have to be huge money to go through with it.
Artie and Howard threw in 200 bucks each for Sal but he still wasn't up for it. He asked if this was The Price is Right for homos.
Gary reminded Sal that he had his taint licked by Richard. Sal said he knows Richard, he works with him. Howard asked Sal if he wanted to go out on a date with Novak first.
Gary said he feels kind of bad because employees aren't allowed to get money from the sponsors. That means Richard can't get the $250 from earlier.
Howard asked to see Sal's hemorrhoid. Sal said he's not going to show that while Novak in the studio. There was chaos in the studio and everyone was talking over each other. Sal showed his 'roid to everyone and Novak said it looked pretty normal to him. Howard said there was something coming out of there. Artie said it looked like he shit out an eye. Then he said he'd give him $500 so he'd get a grand total. Sal showed his 'roid again and Novak said it was touching him from 10 feet away. He said it looked like a hard on coming out of his asshole. Missy said it was disgusting.
Howard told Sal he could do it if he wanted to but it was up to him. Artie thought it was funny that they had to tell a guy who wanted to lick a hemorrhoid that he can't do it. Howard told Sal there might be health risks involved so he's not sure they should do this at all. Howard told Sal they did have a meeting about cutting some people so he might want to take the money now.
Howard said that Bam's movie ''Bam Margera Presents: Where the #$&% is Santa? '' is in stores on December 2nd. He gave him some plugs for that and for Novak's book.
Howard told Missy that Artie was a big fan of her's. She thanked him for that. Artie said that he watched their whole wedding thing on MTV because of her. Bam said that he banged her out on 8th Avenue while they listened to some new CD that he had. Howard said that this was an odd couple because Missy seems so proper and Bam is so out of control. Bam said that it does piss people off.
Howard said that Bam's discovery there was remarkable. He said he's like the Ed Sullivan of the X, or Extreme, world.
Howard asked Bam if he's ready to talk about the time he banged Jessica Simpson. Bam said he will talk about anything else but Missy doesn't want him to talk about that. Missy said she doesn't want the drama. Artie said he thinks she's hotter than Jessica Simpson. Howard said he would go to Missy if she was in the room nude with Jessica Simpson. Missy said that's good for her self esteem.
Bam told Missy to talk about the number of guys she's humped. She said it was 11. Bam thought it was 10 but she said that includes Bam now.
Howard said Bam is hosting a show for Howard TV with the most outrageous moments from this year. Bam said that's coming up soon.
Novak was asking Robin out but he told her he can't pay for anything. Howard said he thinks he'll be making some money soon based on what he saw today. That led to the Howard TV guys replaying that clip of him going into Richard's ass with his tongue. Artie said he hasn't done enough heroin to do that.
Bam asked Novak if he would do Kevin Spacey. Novak said he might give him two pumps if the money was good. He said he's not going to get gay with some Joe Shmo from down the street, he'll only do the famous people. Robin asked if he would fuck a guy. Novak said he would fuck but he doesn't want to get fucked. He said he really wouldn't want to do it but he would give it to a guy for money. He said he'd just think that it was a hot, wet pussy.
Novak said he wouldn't have sex with an animal. Missy said he does draw the line somewhere. Bam said that he did have some dogs licking his ass when they shot this Santa movie. He said when Novak farted the dogs started to lick it even more and they did it for like 5 minutes. Howard gave the guys some more plugs, wrapped up and went to break.
Howard came back a short time later and said that Aerosmith wisely took a hiatus. He said that there are some people who have to grab every opportunity but that band seems to know when to take a break.
Howard said that Doug, the producer who was on yesterday, wanted to remix his Hurdy Gurdy Man song but he's not sure he wants to do that. He said that he thinks he's rather host a show where guys lick other guy's assholes.
Howard said that they've giving away a trip to the AVN awards and you can enter by writing to Contest@howardstern.com and just let them know why you deserve to go.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered if that Novak guy would have fucked Siobhan. Howard said that's a good question. He would have liked to have asked that.
The caller was saying that Scott Weiland was very much like JD yesterday on the air. Howard said that he does have a lot of pauses and stuff in his speech. Howard said a lot of listeners did comment that he was very JD like. The caller said he was very aggravated with the interview.
Ralph told Howard he should go for it and have that song redone. Howard thanked him for the career advice. He said that maybe it could be a new branch of his career.
Jared said that he feels a common bond with JD now that they're both getting goofed on. JD said he doubts that they'll be good friends. JD said he guesses that they're in it together but he didn't really know what to think.
Artie said that he and JD kind of have a bond with the chick thing and he thinks that he would tell JD if he thought Jared was a bad guy. He said that he's really not a bad guy at all.
Neither of the guys have gone to the bathroom yet. JD said he's pee shy so it's going to be tough for him to go with someone handcuffed to him. He hasn't eaten much since yesterday either so he won't have to shit in front of Jared. Jared said he won't have a problem peeing in front of anyone.
Robin asked if the two guys were working together well. Jared said that they are working very well together so far. They give each other the room they need when they're typing on the computer and stuff. Howard said that Jared seems to like JD and JD is okay with him so far. He let them go after that.
Howard had Steve get to his news preview. Steve said they have more about the Geo Group today. He said that they have some links to Dick Cheney too because he was involved with that group. Howard mentioned that this week in 1985 they began their broadcast on WXRK K-Rock. Howard also mentioned that Mel Karmazin joined SIRIUS this week in 2005.
Steve ran through another preview real quick, it was something about a tip that Artie left for some guy. Howard then had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview.
Steve Brandano came in with his Intern Show preview. They have an intern revelation about a Wack Packer. They'll also have a JD and Jared update on the show if they make it that far.
Howard said he had some Jennifer Aniston clips to play this morning. He said she was on with Oprah and she had her on and didn't ask her any good questions. Howard said she's just famous because Brad Pitt left her. Howard said if he sat Jennifer down on a show he'd ask her about Angelina Jolie stealing her husband from her.
Howard played some audio of Oprah doing her interview with Jennifer and asking her about anything but Angelina Jolie. Oprah asked Jennifer about this story that was all over the news that day. She didn't actually mention what the story was about and skirted around the whole thing.
Oprah eventually asked about the Angelina Jolie thing but then Jennifer said she doesn't go there with that line of questioning. She said it's 100 years old at this point. Howard pointed out that she did ''go there'' because she did answer the question in the interview. Howard said if they were going to bring it up on the show, they should have gotten into details. Howard said Jennifer would be a great interview if she just talked about that stuff.
Robin said that Jennifer has nothing going on in her career except for that so she should be talking about it. Howard said Oprah sure tip toes around the subject. Robin said that Howard is guilty of doing that too though. Howard said that he will ask the question if he has someone like that on the show. Robin said he would tell Jennifer not to do the show if he were friends with her. Howard said he would do that because if she's not going to talk about it, there's no reason to have her on.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he's supposed to get out of ''Catcher in the Rye'' because he's reading that right now. Howard said this guy is right, there's no reason to read that book. He said he didn't read it in high school and just read it recently. He said he didn't think there was any point in reading it. He said the movie was good but reading the book was pointless. Howard said he gets what the point is about reading a chess book.
Robin said that there is a story there and it's very interesting. Artie said he thinks the story has been done so much since then that the book isn't as relevant as it was years ago.
Howard said he knows that Artie is an author now but he still doesn't get the point. Artie told Howard that he's an author too. Howard said he retired from that though.
Howard said this Denise Richards has a reality show too and she's boring too. He said that they're going to cut around Britney's nuttiness and they'll leave out anything interesting.
Howard said Pam Anderson is a good example. He said they put her on E! and he loves looking at her but her show was unwatchable. He said it was so sanitized that you'd see her in the kitchen in short shorts and her mother would tell her maybe she shouldn't wear them. That was it. That's as wild as it got.
Fred said that the day Howard and Artie went to Pam's hotel room was wilder than the show that made it on the air. Howard said there's still stuff about that party that he hasn't talked about on the air.
Robin read the article about Britney's new show and went over that for a short time. Robin said she'll be watching the show. It airs on December 30th on MTV.
Robin said there are problems with pirates these days. Down in Somalia they have pirates that are attacking boats that go through the shipping lanes there. Howard said it seems pretty old school to do stuff like that. Howard wondered if they're so old school that they have parrots and make people walk the plank.
Robin said that the pirates stole a ship that was filled with $100 million worth of oil down there. Now the Saudi Arabian government is saying they have to do something about it. Howard said that now the terrorists are saying they don't like being terrorized. He muttered ''fuckers...'' under his breath while he was talking about that.
Robin read a story about a woman who was mugged and chased down the muggers to make sure she didn't lose her green card. She got punched right in the eye. Howard said that's a great woman right there. He thought it was funny that they were yelling at her to let them go instead of the other way around. Howard said she should go fight some pirates.
Robin read a story about a new show on NBC called ''Making Friends with Black People.'' Howard said that's what it's all about now that Barack Obama is going to be President. Robin said that NBC is hoping to capitalize on the Obama Presidency with this show.
Howard played some more of the Oprah and Jennifer Aniston interview and goofed on that a little more. Jennifer and Oprah were talking about more nonsense in those clips.
Howard said he wanted to make an announcement about this Barack thing and black people being all excited that they're ''in.'' He said that in 3 weeks it'll be the Puerto Ricans so they shouldn't get used to it. Howard said the Puerto Ricans are going to be the next big thing.
Robin read a story about ''24'' coming back this weekend with a 2 hour movie special. Howard said he likes them for putting up the money for the JD and Jared thing. That led to Fred playing the Kiefer Sutherland ''Gravitas'' clip from Inside the Actors Studio. That led to Howard talking about how he was asked to do that show and he figured he's an actor if he was asked to do the show. He said that Jon Favreau pissed him off the other day when he said he wasn't really an actor. He said he loves Jon but Jon isn't exactly the greatest actor. He said he would go do another movie now and his agent is reading a bunch of scripts for him.
Howard said he would just steal Kiefer's answers for James Lipton's questions. He said he'd use the ''Gravitas'' and N-word answers for his favorite and least favorite words. Howard said he'd probably screw up and reverse his answers.
Robin read a story about the way parents are over pampering their kids these days which could lead to depression later in life when they don't get applauded for every move they make.
Robin had some news about Joe Lieberman and how he was being very disparaging about Barack Obama during the election. Howard said that the guy should be for him now that he's been elected. Howard said they told Obama about Leiberman's comments about him and Obama said that was the least of his worries. Howard said that is a terrific, evolved and enlightened man. Howard said he was so glad to read that. Howard said he still has his doubts about the guy but that was a good sign. Obama has to worry about the two wars that are going on right now and many other things. Howard said we should be proud of our next President. Howard said even Scott DePace couldn't argue with that. Fred figured Scott would have an argument.
Howard said he wouldn't be that evolved to let it go like Obama is doing. Howard said he would do all kinds of shit to get back at the guy.
Ralph called in and told Howard he shouldn't go off on Favreau the way he did. Howard said that he's really not that good in the movies he's seen him in and there's no reason for Ralph to suck the guy's balls. Howard said Ralph just wants a trip to Hawaii. Howard said he thinks Ralph got onto the set of Iron Man so now he wants to suck his balls. Howard said he thinks that Favreau is a great guy and a great director. He said he just didn't like what he said about him not really being an actor. Howard said everyone can suck him.
Fred found some information about Favreau and how he wasn't even that much of an actor from what he was reading about him.
Howard said that he improvs for 5 hours a day and this guy is telling him he's no actor. Howard said he was terrific in Private Parts. Howard kept saying he's a big fan of Jon's but he didn't like him saying he wasn't an actor. Fred found some more stuff about Jon where he claims that Dungeons and Dragons helped him come up with his creativity. Howard went to break a short time later.
After the break, around 10:05am, we heard a prank call to Wendy the Retard using Wendy audio clips. Fred also played Sal's ''I Pissed on a Girl'' song parody. Howard said that's a sick boy but he likes it.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin cleared her palate since her mouth was full of something. Robin said that things were dripping from her. She got back into her news a short time later and read a story about the auto industry trying to get bailed out. They think that the whole economy of the country would be in worse shape if they don't get bailed out. Robin had some audio of Rich Wagoner talking about how the failing auto industry could cause major problems in the country's economy.
Robin had some news about the Treasury Secretary getting into a ''testy'' exchange over the bail out package. That led to Artie doing his Beavis and Butt-Head impression when he heard the word ''testy.'' Robin had a story about a girl who was assaulted with a hotdog at her grandmother's house, by her grandmother.
Robin had a story about an astronaut losing her tool bag while doing a space walk. The bag floated away and may come crashing down to Earth eventually.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has been listening to the show for 25 years and he thought today was great with Bam Margera. Howard said the guy is right, the show is better than ever. The guy said he can't wait to see the show on Howard TV. Howard said it's definitely a good one to see.
Robin read some news about Senator Ted Stevens losing his position in the election. Howard said Alaska is a weird place. He doesn't get why they vote for these people they vote for there.
Robin said that AAA is predicting a drop in travelers for Thanksgiving. Howard said that's a great excuse to get out of going to Thanksgiving dinner. You can just blame it on the economy.
Robin read a story about people hopping on wi-fi hotspots around the country that could lead to people losing personal information to hackers. She had a story about Nicole Kidman talking about giving up acting. She said that Joaquin Phoenix and Angelina Jolie have also threatened to retire. Howard said he can't imagine a world without another shitty Nicole Kidman movie. He said she sucked in that Bewitched movie and Robin said she was awful in the Stepford Wives remake too.
Robin read that 60 Minutes won the ratings this week with their interview with Barack Obama. Robin said they had Football, CSI, Dancing with the Stars, Desperate Housewives and a bunch of other shows on the top 10 list.
Robin read a story about the movie ''Twilight'' that's coming out soon. She asked if Howard knew what the fans of that series are called. Howard thought they were ''Twats'' but Robin said they're actually ''Twilighers.'' Howard seemed to like the ''Twats'' better.
Howard asked when that movie Hancock is coming out on DVD. Robin said it should be out soon. Howard asked if it was good. Robin said it was okay. She had a story about Will Smith she was going trough so she had some audio of Will talking to a reporter with thumping music behind him. That led to Fred playing some thumping music behind Robin for a few seconds. She had some audio of Rosario Dawson talking about how great Will was to work with. Howard said that's what sucks about being an actor, you have to talk up these other actors.
Artie said Will Smith's old rap videos were awful and he dared them to try and get through them now. Robin said she liked ''Parents Just Don't Understand.'' Artie said it's like a bad kid's book when you see them. He said he was an awful rapper and he's nothing like Biggie Smalls. That led to Howard saying that if Artie were a real Biggie Smalls fan he could recite his songs. Artie went into his Biggie Smalls impression and recited one of his songs for a short time.
Robin had some audio of Miley Cyrus talking about a character she's playing in a new movie. Howard talked about how funny it is that her father was a one hit wonder and now he's her manager. He said Billy Ray must have to suck ass to make sure he stays her manager. Gary said that Billy Ray plays Miley's father on her TV show, Hannah Montana, but he had to audition for the part.
Howard played more of the Miley audio and she was talking way too much. Fred played the ''Shut Up! Shut up, shut up!'' clip from ''Mars Attacks'' that he's played before.
Robin had some audio of Reese Witherspoon so as soon as that started playing Fred threw in Gary's ''Ree-Sees'' screw up clip a few times. Howard pretended to ask Gary what her name was and Fred would play ''Ree-Sees.''
Robin played some audio of Frank Langella talking about playing the part of Nixon in a movie. He claimed that he would stay in character even when he was off camera. Howard talked about how annoying that must be when you're on set with someone like that. Howard did his Nixon impression as if he were Frank Langella. Then he broke into Nixon as if he were Cousin Brucie. He had Robin cracking up at that.
Robin read some news about last night's Dancing with the Stars show. She had some audio clips from that 2 hour special. Howard said even he can't believe he used to watch that movie. Artie said that the movie ''The Sting'' wasn't even 2 hours long. Robin had Howard play some clips from the show and had ''Cousin Nixon'' introducing the clips. They ended the show a short time later around 10:35am.
Gary said he knew that JD was going to do it but he thought that it was only going to be the length of the show. He said they'll see what happens now that the show is over.
Jon said that everyone is busting JD and Jared's balls but the fun should begin when they leave the work environment today. Gary said the camera is an excuse for them to be nice to them but he'd like to see what happens if they take that camera away. Jon said he'd like to see that too.
Teddy said he thinks they just went for their first bathroom break. They had to come out to the lobby because they have multiple urinals out there. Gary said that's the best part of these things when they have to go to the bathroom like Jeff the Drunk and the woman he was handcuffed to.
Gary said he knows people say Jared has an arrogance about him but he's also got a part of him that would rather not be in this situation. He thinks that Jared is hoping they can work it out and be friendly toward each other from now on. No one likes to have people hating them.
Gary said he's not sure they're even handcuffed now. Benjy said he can't imagine JD won't hang in there just because of the money. Jon said JD was saying he didn't want to be handcuffed to anyone, it's not just Jared.
Gary said that he went out and told the guys they had made $75 after they had been cuffed for 45 minutes. Gary said he could do that for 24 hours no problem. Benjy said he could do it too. He said he knows it would be a pain in the ass though.
Jon said he wouldn't be able to do it. He said it didn't seem like fun at all. Teddy asked Gary if he would go take a dump or hold it in for a day. Gary said he would wait as long as he could but he wouldn't be able to put it off for too long.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if maybe JD has some gay feelings toward Jared and he's trying to suppress them. Gary said that he doesn't think that's it at all but the guys said that it would be great if they were making out at the end of this thing.
Gary said he wrote a script for Howard TV where he was going to have JD and Jared as lovers who were trying to keep a secret from everyone there. JD wanted nothing to do with that.
A caller said that there's no way JD is going to be staying attached to Jared when they have to go to the bathroom. Teddy said he did see them going in there though so they must have gone.
Jon said that Artie was saying that Jared is a good guy a few times today. Gary said he feels the same way about him. He said that he sort of gets why JD doesn't like him but he doesn't understand why he's holding a grudge so long.
Another caller asked if they have a pool going for how long this is going to last. Gary said it hasn't generated that kind of excitement. Jon said Artie and Robin did bet but that was about it. Gary said he thinks the money Dominic offered made it more interesting. He said that if that comes through they're going to make some really good money.
A caller suggested they have them doing stunts to make it more interesting. Gary said they thought about that but it would have been too contrived. He said that Jared is going to be going to the gym and JD has to come along for that. Jon said that JD was upset about the whole showering thing at the gym so who knows. Jon is thinking they'll be done around 8 tonight.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he had a great idea for the contest. He said he thinks they should handcuff them so one person has to walk backwards at all times. Gary said he thinks that handcuffing is plenty, they don't need to do anything that crazy.
The caller said he was at Artie's book signing yesterday and noticed that when guys go up to get their books signed, he doesn't look at them. As soon as chicks walk up he smiles and chats away. Gary said that's not that hard to believe, he's a dude.
Teddy said that of course he brightens up when he sees a chick. Teddy said that if they're hot enough he'll even let the chicks cut in line.
JD and Jared came in around then so Jon asked them about their bathroom break. Jared said it was pretty uneventful. Jared said he peed and that was it. He only used one hand to take it out. He had practiced yesterday so he made sure he could do it one handed.
The guys asked if they're getting along. Jared said that JD did hand him some paper towels when he was drying his hands. JD said he was ready to bail after the first second and he's not sure why he's still doing it. He said it's ''something to do.'' JD said he didn't want to disappoint anyone either. JD said that it's almost still work so he'll have to see how it goes after work.
Gary asked JD what he's going to do when they have to go to sleep. JD said that they're not going to his place to sleep. Jared said he has a full sized bed and a queen sized air mattress. Jared said that they could both sleep on that if they have to.
Jon played a clip from the show where they were first being hooked together. Jon asked what the most awkward moment was so far. JD said it was going downstairs to get Tim Sabean's breakfast. Jared said that nothing has been too difficult so far. He said that JD has been very accommodating.
Jon asked Jared about trying to be friendly with JD now and if he thinks that this is going to work. Jared said that he's got that in his personality to make people who don't like him, like him. Jon asked JD if he thinks that they'll get along better after this. JD started to say something but he cut himself off and said ''I don't know...''
JD said that he loves Shuli but he wouldn't want to be handcuffed to him either. He said it's not all about Jared that he doesn't want to go through this. He said he just wants to get through this whole thing. He said he was ready to take them off right now actually.
A caller asked Gary if he would be willing to be handcuffed to High Pitch Eric for 24 hours. Gary said that would be tough. He said that he would like to verbally berate him for an hour or so. Gary said he could probably last 4 or 5 hours there at the studio. He said he wouldn't last at Eric's apartment though.
Shuli asked Gary how much he got for the ''I want you back'' tape. Gary said it was like 30 grand or something. Shuli asked if that's how much it would cost to get him to be handcuffed to Eric. Gary said it would because he wouldn't be able to stand being at Eric's apartment for very long.
Jon took a call from Wheels who said he thinks that Jared and JD could skip the gym and the party and just go to a strip club or something. Jared said the party is already off the itinerary because cameras aren't allowed in the party. He said they may go to a bar and hang out to watch the Rangers game.
Jon said that JD is kind of grouchy today and he was pissing off people in the office today. JD said that he only spoke to Jon this morning. Jon said that a lot of guys noticed how annoying he was today.
Benjy asked JD what he would do if Howard offered to take the cameras off of him or Jared off of him for the rest of the 24 hours, what would he do. JD said that was a tough call. He said they're both pretty annoying. JD said he would probably take the cameras off of him though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks he saw Jared in a men's body wash commercial. Jared said that's not true.
Gary asked Jared if he would ever do one of those posters that KC did where he's shirtless and has his pants unbuttoned. Jared said that he wouldn't do that because he wants to be behind the cameras and doesn't want that stuff coming back and biting him in the ass in the future. Gary said he'd be fine because their old WWOR TV producer had tape of him chasing around women in bikinis and playing the baby Jesus in a sketch saying his diaper was full.. and he got a job at NBC TV in New York.
JD said that he could get revenge on Jared buy doing really bizarre stuff while Jared is attached to him. It would be the ultimate revenge.
A caller said that he has an older woman as a girlfriend and JD should go for it with the older women that come on to him on Myspace. JD said he never said he wouldn't go for it. He said that a lot of the women are married and live in different states. The caller asked JD if he enjoys pussy. JD said ''Uh, yeah.'' The caller told him to go get laid and called him a piece of shit loser. Gary said that if that guy was there, Jared would have hit him.
Jared said that JD has been more accommodating than he has. Jared said he's actually surprised. He said that JD hasn't asked to do anything yet. Gary asked if Jared would be okay with them pulling some video from a gay porn. Jared said he works for the Howard Stern Show so he'd expect that to happen some day.
Benjy asked Jared if he's going to cover up JD with a blanket in the bar when they're there together. Someone suggested that Jared could just throw his coat over JD to hide him. Gary said this reminds him of the conjoined twins that they had on the show one time.
One caller asked how they're going to change shirts when they go to the gym and stuff. Jared said he thought that they were going to be able to change shirts and stuff. Benjy said he thinks they should be attached the whole time. Jared said he's fine with that but it's going to be tough to work out in a sweater.
Another caller asked Gary if he'd like to be handcuffed to KC. Gary said he thinks he could stand a day of that. Benjy asked Gary if he would pay $5,000 to do that. They were making it sound like Gary was gay for KC. Gary did say that KC is hot. Gary said he thinks that KC would be on his best behavior if he was cuffed to him. They had to break after that.
Jon changed subjects to Bam Margera and Brandon Novak. Gary said Will told him about that guy and how he's willing to do just about anything for money. Gary said he told Howard about it and that led to them doing the stunt today. He said it was pretty shocking to watch it today.
Jon asked Richard if he thought he was really going to have his salad tossed. Richard said that guy was mining for gold and his tongue really went in there.
Gary said that Richard did jump right away as his tongue went in there. Richard said anyone would jump when some dude's tongue goes into your ass. He said he's not sure how many other guy's bungholes that guy has licked. He said that it feels like a wet paper towel going into your butt just like when guys in the locker room throw wet paper towels at your cock or butt. Jon said he doesn't know that feeling.
Gary asked Sal about how he was ready to do it when they offered him the right money. Sal said that there is a price for him and he has bills to pay. Jon asked if he would let a guy blow him for money. Sal said there is no price for that and he wouldn't do it.
Richard said he went up to Sal and asked him about doing the thing since they do stuff together on the show. Sal said he saw Richard jumping like a frog with the tongue thing. Sal said that he told Richard about his shit and hemorrhoid thing. That's when Richard ran to Gary and told him about that. Sal said he told Richard ''no'' like 3 times but he wanted him to do it so he ran to Gary. Sal said that Richard is like a rapist who doesn't take no for an answer.
Benjy said that Gary would let a guy lick his ass for $10 million. Gary said he wouldn't do it. Richard said that's a lot of money and he must be better off. Sal said he'd do it for 3 million. Benjy pointed out that he was about to do it for $1,000 during the show. Sal said ''Oh yeah, right.''
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary what happened to the Hottest Chick farting contest. Gary said that was a contest they never went through with. The caller thought they had. The guy seemed to forget the question he had for JD after that.
Gary saw what the guy's question was and asked JD if he would bang a hot chick if he was still cuffed to Jared. JD said he might try but he's not sure he could even get it up. He said it would be too weird for him. Jon asked Jared if he would do it. Jared said it would stop him from doing it.
Sal said that if he were in this contest he would do anything he could to get the other guy off of him. If someone backs out of this, the other guy gets a $2,000 bonus. Jared said that some of the logic makes sense but he won't be taking out his cock and jerk off like Sal was suggesting.
Jon asked Gary if he could really be attached to Sal for 24 hours. Gary said that if he took his cock out like he was suggesting, he'd end up shoving his face into his cock like Ron Jeremy sucking his own cock. Sal said he bets that he wouldn't be able to get his head down that far and he'd be able to finish on him before he had it down there.
Gary asked Sal about this weird logic of his and why he would bring up jerking off as the way to annoy someone. Sal thought it was a great way to get rid of someone. Gary said there are many other ways to get rid of someone. Sal said he wouldn't even be able to handle the jerking off thing. Sal said he'd be grossed out by someone wiping boogers on him too. Gary said that would be a great way for him to get rid of Sal.
Benjy asked if they have any rules about jerking off on one another. Gary said he's not sure about that. Jared told Sal there's something wrong with him after Sal told JD to just pee on Jared.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they would go to the Rangers game together tonight. Jared said he would love to go. JD didn't seem so interested in that. Sal suggested that Jared go to a gay bar tonight instead of the Rangers game. Sal thinks that would get JD off of his arm. Jon said he doesn't think Gary would last an hour with Sal on his arm.
Another caller asked JD about something he said earlier and goofed on him for getting something wrong. JD congratulated him on figuring out he's a retard.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked JD if he would have sex with a woman who had already had sex with Jared. JD said if they were really hot he would, sure. Jon said he didn't think that would stop any of the guys in the room.
The woman said she almost threw up when she heard the guy licking Richard's taint. She said it was that gross. Gary said that she didn't even see it and she did that. Jon thought that Richard hit a new high with that.
Benjy told Richard that E. Coli is very catchy and he hopes he didn't shake hands with Novak. Richard said he didn't. He said that he doesn't want to be blamed for getting other people sick there. Sal said he's sharing a room with Richard and asked him if it's contagious. Sal said Richard said it wasn't. The guys filled him in and told him that it's extremely contagious.
Sal asked Jon if he's ever had his ass licked or licked an ass. Jon said he never has and he has no desire to do that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they should graduate the payments and raise them up until the end of the 24 hours. Gary said that they had already set the rules so they can't change them now. Benjy said it would be funny if SIRIUS went bankrupt at the 24th hour.
Another caller asked why they didn't slip the two guys a laxative before they put the cuffs on. Gary said they're not looking to make them crazy. He said they're just trying to see if they can handle being together for 24 hours.
The caller also said that he doesn't think that Jared is going to get hit on with JD stuck to him. Jared asked the guy if he wanted to bet. Gary said that they'll have cameras around them too and that will get them some attention. Jared said that just being handcuffed is going to be excuse enough to have chicks come over to talk to them.
Gary asked Jared if he has a booty call chick that he could call to come over and bang him. Jared said he does know some women like that. JD said he doesn't know any girls like that.
A woman called in and said that if Richard really does have E. Coli, and he's in the room with them, that's very dangerous. She said that it could lead to them coming down with something really nasty. Gary read about the E. Coli stuff on Wikipedia.org and said that it didn't look all that dangerous to him. Richard said his doctor didn't tell him to stay away from everyone.
Richard asked the woman if it's contagious. She said it's very contagious. She said that they have to go into rooms with masks on when they deal with that at the nursing home she works in. Benjy asked if it's a good idea to lick his ass. She laughed and said no.
Gary read more about the E. Coli and it said that it can be passed along if you don't wash your hands after shitting. The guys talked about how disturbing it would be if Novak ended up getting E. Coli.
A caller pointed out that Howard was complaining about Jon Favreau saying he wasn't an actor but Howard did the same thing with that guy who played Corky on ''Life Goes On.'' The guys talked about that for a short time and said that Howard was saying that he's not an actor because he's retarded and may not have even known he was acting.
Another caller said that today's Wrap Up Show is very gay. He said that Richard is gay for letting a guy lick his asshole today. Richard said he got $250 for that. The caller said that it's just a matter of time before he's doing more gay shit for money. Richard said he thinks that it would take 10 million bucks to have a guy fuck him. Gary said he thinks that it would be much less than that. Richard said he might be right and there's no telling what he would do if he had a million in cash in front of him. Richard said that they just do this stuff to make Howard laugh.
Gary asked Sal if he would do anything gay like that for half a million in cash. Sal said if he had the money he'd pack his bags and get the fuck out of his house. Sal said it would have to be like 10 million before he'd do anything like that.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that Robin is very boy crazy and she was commenting on Novak's nice ass today. The guys said that Robin is into that type of guy. Richard said he noticed her giggling. Sal said that he's never heard of Robin giggling before. Sal said she giggles all the fucking time. They spent a minute talking to the woman about the kind of men she's into. She said that she's into mature men and isn't into the younger guys.
The guys got back to the Novak discussions and spent some more time talking about that. They also talked about the way Artie was into Bam's wife Missy. They said that Artie has a thing for that look of dark haired petite women.
Pedro called in and asked the guys why they do this gay shit all the time instead of getting hot chicks naked on there. He said there's no need for this extreme gay shit. Richard said they're spacing out the gay stuff now. Sal said that they did that Gina or Wiener thing and that was a mix of both gay and not gay stuff.
Benjy asked Richard if his girlfriend laughs at this stuff. He said she laughs at it and she doesn't mind it at all. Richard said that she'll be excited that it was Bam Margera's friend who licked his ass because she's a huge Jackass fan.
A caller brought up a comment Yucko made about Eric the Midget today when Howard got kind of upset about it. Jon said that Eric shut up Yucko pretty quick with the comment about his ex-wife. Benjy said that the caller was also about Yucko making fun of Eric not being able to walk. He wondered if that was over the line. Jon said that people have made those jokes before. Richard said that Eric makes fun of people's looks and abilities too. Benjy said that it might be respecting him to go back at him just as hard as he goes at other people.
Jon took another call from a guy who had a match up of some other people do hand cuff. Sal and Richard, Scott DePace and Jason, Fred and Will and some others. Jon said that DePace and Jason would be dangerous because DePace would be punching Jason within an hour.
Greg and Robin was another couple the guy suggested. Jon said he thinks both of them would be into that. The caller also suggested Robin and Steve Langford. Sal thought that Robin and Jim Florentine would be a good one.
The caller suggested Howard and Benjy or Lisa G. Benjy said that it would be tough for him. The caller may have made Lisa G's day with that suggestion. Sal and Howard would be another good one. Ronnie and JD was another one. Scott the Engineer's name was thrown out there and they weren't sure of anyone who could stand that.
The caller said that Jon and Ralph might be a good couple. Jon said he wouldn't last with anyone for 24 hours. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show saying that they have ''The Best of 2008'' coming up next week while they're on vacation. Jon Hein is going to be hosting it. They also have a History of Howard Stern special coming up on December 22nd. Howard said everyone is a part of that whole thing. He said he called John DeBella to thank him for being part of that special. Artie is in it as well.
Howard said that Robin was interviewed for the history special as well. She took out some time from her enemas to do that. Howard asked her how her cold is doing. Robin said she's getting better. Howard said he's gotten a lot of e-mail about that lately. Robin said it's odd how people like to make fun of her for every cold she gets.
Howard read about what the guys were asking for and talked about what they should have done instead of begging for billions of dollars. Howard said that would make him nuts. They still use the private jets to fly people around even while they're in financial trouble.
Robin said that's why you have to wonder about giving them money. They're idiots. Robin said that AIG went out and had a big party after they got a bail out package. Howard said he thinks that he uses AIG.
Howard read some e-mail about Robin and her cold. The writer said that Robin needs to stop with the diet and talking about how healthy it is.
Artie was stuffing his face with a Taylor ham, egg and cheese sandwich around that time so Howard asked him about that. Artie told him it's a New Jersey specialty sandwich that he loves.
Howard said he heard from Natalie Maines and she said there is a role for Eric on Heroes. It's a super hero that flies with balloons. There won't be an apology coming from her about what Eric wants her to apologize over.
Artie told Howard that Ivan Reitman's house wasn't affected in the fires out in California. Howard was worried about that earlier this week.
The caller said that it sounds like he's miserable this week and the fans can hear it in his voice. Howard said there are some things going on in his life that are causing some stress but he didn't think that was coming out on the air.
Howard ended up talking to Robin about how she's being really nice to her mother all of a sudden. Howard said she must love her mother now. Robin said of course she does. She said that you can't get that mad at someone you don't love. Robin said her mother is in the hospital and she's doing okay but it's going to be a long recovery process after the operation she had.
Artie asked Robin if she goes to visit her father's grave. She said she doesn't do that and she doesn't get why people do. Artie does that and visits his father's grave. Howard said he's with Robin and he doesn't see the purpose. Artie said that he's not even talking to his father's bones, they cremated him so it's his ashes that they buried. Artie said a lot of people in his family visit the grave.
Robin was goofing on Artie but her voice was almost gone. Howard told Artie he was lucky it was almost gone. Artie said he loves when broads lose their voice.
Howard said that Robin worked through her problems with her father. He said he's not sure that her father worked through them because he just got senile and probably forgot about what he did. Pete asked Robin if her mother worked through it too. Robin said they all had their own ways of working through that stuff. Howard said he thinks that Robin is still angry about it.
Robin said she worked through it all and she's fine. Howard said he still sees anger in Robin. She said she has about the same level as anger as most people at this point. Howard said he won't bring certain things up on the air but he knows that she has tremendous anger and resentment. Howard said he won't say why he's saying that though. He said she's not as together as she thinks she is.
Pete told Robin she's fucked up. Artie said this is a fucked up crew. Howard said Robin is much better now than she was when he met her. He said now she's way more delightful but he thanks her therapy for that.
Artie said he's never known Robin to be a miserable person. He thinks she's been delightful the whole time he's known her.
Howard said one day he'll talk to Robin about what he knows. He said the reason he doesn't tell her is because he might fuck her up real good if he did bring it up. He said he just has theories and he could be wrong.
Howard said he doesn't like this Vegan stuff. He said it's just too much. He suggested that she just eat food and forget about the Vegan thing. Howard admitted that he's more of a mess than anyone there.
Howard said he has learned something about himself and that's that he doesn't really know what he's talking about. He admitted he's no expert. Howard told Robin he's going to think about this whole thing and figure out what it is that's going on.
Howard said that Artie is another story. So is Fred. Fred has come a long way but he's still a mess and very peculiar and odd. Fred said they seem to want to deflect from their own insanity and point the crazy stick at him. Robin said she thinks that she's so well that she may have to depart from the rest of them. She's too well for them. Fred told her that she fell out of the crazy tree and just hit every branch.
Howard said that Richard Belzer is coming in today and they have a lie detector guy coming in to give him a test about the event he backed out of. Howard said he has some questions for the rest of the guys there too.
Artie asked Pete who he thinks is the most fucked up. Pete said it's Robin. He said that Artie is willing to talk about it but Robin doesn't admit anything and doesn't see herself for who she is. He also told Robin about the 25 year old she's with and how that can go nowhere. Robin said that age shouldn't matter and asked Pete how it does. Pete said she's afraid to examine her own self. Robin told him that they should sit and talk. Howard asked Pete if he's working yet. Pete said he hasn't worked in 5 months.
Howard said he thinks that maybe he should have left Fred alone in his home habitat when he met him. He said he was leading a very unusual life and was socially inept. He said he thinks he's turned him into a sophisticated human being by taking him with him along the way. Howard said he brought him out of the woods, his wife didn't.
Pete said Fred had a baby and that's amazing. Howard said that shows the growth he's had. Pete said that Fred loves his daughter so much that he doesn't stay in the studio for the Sybian rides. Howard said he feels like he's really Fred's mother. He gave him life. Fred said he was nuts.
Howard joked that Fred had a rebirthing thing with him and that's how he changed him. the guys spent a short time talking about those rebirthing ceremonies and how weird those are.
The guys were wondering who was normal on the staff. Howard said that Gary is the most normal out of them all. He said he's a good family man and raising his kids the right way. He said he seems to be doing it all right and he's happy in his life. Howard said Gary had a background he has risen above. He didn't want to say too much about his father but he has risen above all of that.
Howard said Gary is the most normal and no one can argue with him about that. Artie asked about Jon Hein. Howard said he knows Gary better so he can only comment on him. Howard said Gary has things in his life he has to deal with but he's pretty normal. Fred said Gary got a boner on stage one time. Howard said that out of all of them there, Gary is the most normal. Howard said the fact that he looks like a beaver has nothing to do with him being normal.
Howard said Gary isn't Jesus Christ or Barack Obama but he's more equipped to go through life than the rest of them. Robin brought up Gary's nose bleeds and asked about that. Gary said that was many years ago.
Howard said they all have severe issues there. He said Fred is more normal than Robin, Robin is more normal than Artie. Robin was pissed about that. Howard said it was Gary, Fred, Robin and then Artie as the nuttiest of them all.
The guys asked Howard where he fits in that group. Howard said he thinks that Artie is the most disturbed person in the group. He said he's not confronting his problems. He said Robin used to be the worst but she's working on those things. Artie isn't dealing with them but he didn't want to get into that there. He said his anger has come out recently and he knows he's struggling with that stuff.
Howard said that Artie has to be the winner in anything he's involved with. Howard said the sad part for him is that no matter how fucked up the rest of them are they're all going to enjoy life more than he has. He said he'll never enjoy his life as much as they have. Robin, Artie and Fred all disagreed with him on that. They wondered why he thinks he's that miserable.
Robin said that he might want to try and figure Benjy out. Howard said he avoids Benjy so he doesn't know him. Howard said he can't be happy being as fat as he is. He said he abuses himself and demeans himself too. He said he's seen him do things and he can't even see what he's doing. Howard said he has to be full of self hate.
Benjy asked Howard what mentally healthy is. Howard said he can't deal with Benjy right now and he has no plans to talk to him. He told Benjy he's on his own.
Artie said that Howard is obsessed with stuff in his life so that's why he's always feeling like he's not enjoying life. Howard said he's working on the stuff he has issues with.
Gary asked Howard how much better he is now than he was 10 years ago. Howard said he's much better than he was back then. Howard said he's made a lot of progress since then.
Artie said that Howard seems to be tortured by a lot of what he has going on in his life. Howard said he is but Artie is a real mess. He said he doesn't worry about Robin going out and killing herself. He does have to worry about that with Artie. He doesn't think Artie has control over that and he has to get serious about it.
Artie said that the Beer League times were what almost killed him and there have been other things going on for years. Howard said he calls that ''Oaf syndrome.'' Howard said Artie is a strong man and an athlete. He said he's let that all go though.
Artie said that the past 3 years were the most productive for him professionally. He said he might be bipolar though. He said that he goes into deep, dark holes after doing all of these great things he does. He starts to think that all of the stuff he did in the past 3 years sucked.
Artie said he is in therapy but the guy is an older guy. He said he's not sure if he should be relating to the guy or not. He said he'll just bullshit the guy if he doesn't want to talk about certain things and that's not right. Howard asked Artie if he's a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Artie said he's a therapist.
Howard asked Artie why he didn't go to the psychiatrist he suggested to him. Artie said he asked him to find someone and Howard went out and did that for him. He just put it off and put it off. The number is still on his desk though.
Artie said he had a few people suggest this therapist to him so that's why he went to this guy. He said he likes the guy but he may need someone else. Robin said he may have greater issues to deal with. Artie agreed with her.
Howard said that Robin has changed a lot. She's now curbing her behavior compared to what it was like many years ago. Gary said she had major anger issues. Howard said she's still angry and Gary is the normal one so he doesn't see it. Robin said that everyone has anger. Howard said she doesn't know how to respond to her anger, that's the issue there.
Robin said Howard is just giving her his problems. Howard said they can't talk to her because she won't listen. Robin wasn't listening and talked over Howard saying that when he talks about other people, he's just projecting his own problems on them.
Howard said Robin is actually doing amazing. He said she's gotten her weight under control and stuff like that. Howard said he was looking at some pictures from a few years ago at his 50th birthday party and Robin looked like she was the size of 4 people. Howard said that losing the weight was one major hurdle for her to get over.
Howard said there are issues that Artie has that he has to get over before he can feel good. Artie said he actually put on 100 pounds in one year so that is the sign of someone who is fucked up.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he can help people get through problems. He said that all of them are just human on the show and they've all gone through a lot of stuff. Howard said there had better be a point to his call. The guys figured there wasn't one. Dominic said that they're all suffering. Howard said Dominic, out of everyone, is more disturbed than any of them. Dominic admitted that he was abused from the age of 3-5 and his mother abandoned him by going to work. Howard said he's not even sure if that's true. Fred told Dominic to join the club with the mother going to work thing.
Howard told Dominic to listen to him and told him to run to the psychiatrist. Howard said this guy needs to be at the shrink 5 days a week. He hung up on Dominic and said he's never seen a guy more out of it than him. He said he's a good lawyer and he does that job well, but he's out of his mind. Howard said they could write books about that guy. Howard said Dominic might be beyond help at this point. He said if he were his mother he'd never come home.
Howard said Robin is really doing much better and she's a pleasure to be around now. Robin said that he may just be projecting his crap on her. Howard said she might be right. Howard congratulated Gary on being the most normal there.
Artie said that he's the most worried about disappointing Howard. He said he always thinks that this is going to end badly. He said he's hoping that Howard is going to end the show, give him a hug and tell him this was great. He said if that doesn't happen he thinks that things are going to end really badly.
Artie told a story about this woman who was on MAD TV with him and ended up dying. He said that she wanted to take him out on his year anniversary of being sober. He ended up getting loaded about 11 months and 3 weeks after he got sober. He saw her at this party and she had a look on her face like she was disappointed in him. Howard said Artie sabotages himself with stuff like that. None of them are that healthy there so Artie isn't that far off from the rest of them.
Howard said Artie is the guy he has to worry about hurting himself. He said the rest of them are fucked up but don't want to hurt themselves like Artie does. Robin said that Artie creates this thing that makes everyone worry about him. Fred said that maybe he's a drama queen. He said that he'd like to talk more about some of Artie's book when more people have read it.
Howard said that they may have gotten rid of some of the channel names but the stations are still there under some other name. He said they're still playing the same kind of music they were playing before.
Artie said his buddy works with Mike Judge and his friend said Mike told him to tell him that the Stern Show has never been better and SIRIUS is amazing.
Howard said that this channel ''Buzzsaw'' has become ''Boneyard'' since the recent changes. He told the caller to go listen to that if that's the channel he's upset about losing. The caller said he's going to be cutting back on the number of subscriptions if that's the case.
Howard said that people don't like change and he can relate to that. He gets why people might be upset about that. Artie told the guy that he can get rid of just a few of the radios he had. It was like the guy answered his own problem when he brought that up.
Howard said that people are really annoyed with Eric after that voice mail that he left about Natalie. Howard said it's a rape fantasy when you think about it. Howard read some of the mail from the fans who were upset about Eric's complaints about Natalie. They don't want Eric on the show anymore.
Eric said that Johnny is going to try and get a real doll made of Natalie so he can do whatever he wants to that. Howard said no one cares about that.
Johnny Fratto was on the line so Howard picked up on him. Johnny said he's been saying yes to anything that Eric asks him to do. He said that Eric got mad at him for falling asleep yesterday. Eric said he was trying to get some stuff taken care of and Johnny fell asleep. Eric said that Johnny only cares about his new little baby. Artie said that it sounds like Eric feels like he's being replaced. Howard said it does sound that way to him too.
Johnny said he might need Artie to write him a suicide letter. Artie said he could write him a customized one if he wanted.
Howard read a few more negative e-mails he got from angry fans. He said that Eric is turning off the public. Howard said he loves Eric though so that's why he keeps having him on.
Johnny said he got to see Artie out in L.A. doing his book signing and it was unbelievable. He talked about how they didn't know what to do out there because of the huge turnout. Howard said most book signings are horrible and no one shows up for them.
Howard said he heard stories about book stores having their employees go out and wait on line to make the signings look busier.
Howard said he had to get going so he tried to get the two of them off the line. Johnny said that he was there at Artie's book signing with his son and Eric may have thought he was there with another midget so that might be why he's upset with him.
Artie said he got to meet KC's girlfriend out there when he did the book signing. Artie said she was very nice and very hot.
Howard said that they're almost at the end of the 24 hour period with JD and Jared. He said they're going to unlock them shortly. Howard had a voice mail of Johnny talking about how the Natalie Maines thing not having anything to do with why he was upset with Eric. Eric said that she still has to apologize to him and the Bunny Ranch people and his friends Haley and Cherry.
Howard said that Eric is in Midget denial about this whole thing and the girls aren't upset with Natalie Maines, they just don't want to have sex with Eric again. Howard asked why they didn't have sex with him the night they were in the hotel after the appearance on his show. Eric said that the girls still like him and he will have sex with them again. He just has to get out to the ranch to do it.
Howard tried to get rid of Eric and Johnny but Eric wanted to talk to Brooke Taylor and Air Force Amy on today when they're in. Howard told Eric not to call back, they're going to be too busy to talk to him. Howard told Eric he doesn't understand why he can't listen to the show on the radio. Eric said he only listens to the show when he's on hold because he doesn't give a shit about them. Howard thanked Eric for the call and let him go.
Howard asked JD if he likes Jared better now. JD said that it is a bonding thing and of course things might have changed. He said that not all of his thoughts about him were untrue but he did have some thoughts about it yesterday afternoon. Howard said that JD's answers are always a gem. He wondered what goes on inside of his head.
JD said he doesn't think they'll be hanging out more now because of this. He said that he'll be fine working with him. Howard said he thinks that something good can come of something like this. JD said that there is a part of him that thinks Jared could have been acting the whole time. Howard said that JD hasn't even eaten anything in 24 hours because he didn't want to make doody. Neither of them went to the bathroom like that. Jared peed but didn't shit. JD hasn't peed since 6am yesterday. JD said it's not a strong urge so he doesn't feel like he has to go.
Howard said they actually slept in the green room last night. Jared said JD passed out the second they got in there. Jared wasn't able to sleep. He said he was kind of wired from the shots he had at the bar. Jared said he gave JD the cushion to sleep on and he had to sleep on the floor. Jared said they were taking pictures constantly too so he kept waking up because of that.
JD didn't want to go back to Jared's apartment. JD said he's not sure he would have been able to finish if they went back to his apartment.
Gary had some audio of High Pitch Mike interviewing Jared while JD was sleeping. Howard played that Mike asked Jared, around 10:25pm, and asked what was going on. Jared said he couldn't sleep so he was just staring at the wall while JD slept. Howard got annoyed by the whispering and cut it off. Howard asked JD what the toughest part was for him. JD said it was going out in public. Jared said that they weren't able to go to the party or the gym yesterday.
Howard asked if either of them thought about quitting. Jared said that he didn't think about quitting. JD said that he thought about it last night around the Intern Show time.
Howard said that their friends at the TV show ''24'' supplied the money for this contest. He said the special that's airing on Sunday night is getting 4 star reviews.
Howard asked JD if he wanted to say anything to Jared about what went on. JD congratulated him and said he'll be a little friendlier to him now. Howard said that he wants to know what he feels about him now. JD said he can be a little more nicer to him now. He said Jared was nice to him throughout the whole thing. Howard asked how he was nicer. JD said they were working well together and they were good partners.
Howard asked JD if he would get upset if Jared dressed up as a pimp again this Halloween. JD said he might get annoyed by that. Howard asked if he'll say hello to Jared in the halls now. JD said he will.
Jared said that he learned a lot about JD and he puts up this wall because he doesn't want anyone to connect to him emotionally. Jared said JD mentioned that he won his 6th grade spelling bee but then he clammed up again. He said that was nice to hear from him. He also got to see his interaction with his brother on the phone which was interesting.
Howard asked JD if he'll look forward to seeing Jared at work now. JD said he didn't know about that. Howard asked if he'll miss him when he uncuffs him. JD said he won't miss the handcuffs. Jared said only one thing pissed him off in that time. He said that JD didn't want to wash his hands once in that 24 hours. JD said he didn't touch anything though. Jared told him that he was touching door knobs and stuff so he really should wash his hands.
Gary said that they both get $2,400 from the 24 people. Then Dominic added another $1,000 and Artie is going to give them each another $250 and there was another $1,000 bonus for lasting the full 24 hours. Howard had the guys take the handcuffs off after that. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said they also have this guy Michael there to give them an update on his trip to the Bunny Ranch. Howard said Brooke Taylor and Air Force Amy will also be talking about that whole thing.
Howard said he'd like to test Lisa G on the lie detector. Lisa was in with her news preview so Howard asked her if she was up for it. Lisa said she doesn't feel comfortable doing it. Howard said she is.
Howard told Lisa he wants to ask her if she's in love with him, if she would take money for sex, if she would be a better wife than Beth and things like that. Lisa laughed when she heard some of the questions. She was also saying no to most of them. Lisa kept saying she wasn't uptight but it sure sounded like she was when she said she wouldn't take the lie detector test.
Howard asked if Lisa was afraid of it. She said she wasn't afraid. She said that it's not necessary. Howard said he'd go on the lie detector too. He has nothing to be afraid of. Howard said Gary wanted to ask him who he likes on the staff. Howard said it's going to be hurtful but he'd do it. Lisa said she has nothing to hide but she won't do it.
Howard said he's shocked that she won't do it. He said he really thought she would do it. She asked ''Why would I?'' Howard asked her why she wouldn't. Lisa said she's not going to do it. Howard told her the questions he's going to ask but Lisa figured they were going to ask other things too.
Lisa said she knows that they're going to ask her stuff that wasn't on the list and they'd think she was lying if she didn't answer.
Howard said he's going to get to Steve Langford later on. He asked Lisa if she'll answer those 6 questions. She said she already answered them. Howard said he wants to find out if she's telling the truth about them.
Ronnie came in and said that she's so not a team player. Howard said he sees what he's talking about now. Ronnie said that Lisa wants Howard and that's what they've been telling Howard. Howard said it's no big deal and she should just do it. Ronnie said that she's not a team player and she never does anything.
Howard told Lisa that it was just the 6 questions and they won't ask her anything else. She said she knows him better than that and she knows that they're going to do something to fool her. Howard said he was giving her his word that they wouldn't do that.
Robin said that she took the test one time. Lisa said that she's Robin Quivers so of course she did. Lisa still refused to take it. She said that she's part of the news team and they can't make her do that stuff. Ronnie told Howard he has to keep her out of the studio, she won't do anything for the show. He said she doesn't want to be part of the show. Howard said she's proven Ronnie right with this refusal. Ronnie told her she can't hang out in the Black Cloud Diner anymore. She has to clear her stuff out and stay out.
Lisa asked what Ronnie's problem is lately. She said that he's a grumpy old man. Ronnie said that she's old too. Lisa said that Ronnie's Mambo cologne smells like Fresh Step cat litter. Ronnie said the strippers love it.
Howard said he's disappointed in Lisa. Ronnie said that Penny Crone would have done it in a second. Ronnie said she was his girl. Lisa said ''Good, bring her back.''
Lisa had her news preview so Howard asked her get to that. Lisa said that it's not part of her job to do that stuff. Howard told her to go ahead and stick to the book. Gary said that the whole staff was going to boycott her cookie party. Howard told them not to do that.
Howard said that he'd like to know if Lisa really loves him the way she says she does. Lisa said it's not the way he thinks. She said that she loves him and admires him.
Howard said that if Lisa didn't like the questions that he asked she could just not answer them. Lisa said she knows the way it works and even if she doesn't answer they can tell what she's thinking. Howard told her she watches too much TV.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that everyone else on the show does things they don't want to do. He said that Lisa isn't willing to do anything. Howard told Lisa she should have some fun with it. Lisa said she has fun every day. Howard said she has fun on her own terms.
Lisa said that Artie's book is going to be number 1 on the NY Times Best Seller List this week. Artie said he found out last night. He said they told him that the publisher told him that they only had one other one that the published hit the number one spot. His mother was blown away by it too.
Lisa said that Artie beat out the book Dewy and the Flat Belly Diet book. Howard said Artie's book is called ''Too Fat To Fish.''
Lisa said that Benjy was found with a big hole in his crotch the other day and had to change his pants on his way to work. Lisa told Howard he ruined her whole day. Howard said she ruined his too.
Howard let Lisa go and when she walked out everyone was booing her. Ronnie was yelling at her for not being a team player. She knew that was going to happen before she walked out.
Robin said that showed a lot about their news team. She said that they're not afraid to ruin other people's lives but when it comes to them they're not willing to have anyone question them. Howard said he had to take another break and then he was going to bring in Brooke Taylor and this guy who got laid at the Bunny Ranch. Howard said they might do some lie detector tests with any spare time they have before Belzer shows up.
Robin said she thinks that Howard doesn't like her and wants to find that out with the lie detector test. Howard said he couldn't work with her all these years if he didn't like her. They went to break a short time later.
Howard had the guys bring in this guy Michael with Brooke Taylor from the Bunny Ranch. Howard said this guy won the trip to the Bunny Ranch in a contest they had on the show. Howard said Brooke is gorgeous and she's got an amazing body and a great face. He said it's hard to believe that she's a prostitute. Brooke said she became a fan of the Cathouse show that the Bunny Ranch does on HBO and she wanted to be part of that. That's how she got involved with the Bunny Ranch.
Howard talked to Michael who has glaucoma and a cataract. Michael said that he had to give a shout out to his friend and his wife for cooking him a meal before he went to the Bunny Ranch. Michael was a virgin before he went to the Ranch.
Howard said they did a biggest loser kind of contest and Michael ended up winning. Ass Napkin Ed and Hanzi were also in the game. Howard said that he read that Michael fell for Air Force Amy when he was there. Michael said she called him the N-word and stuff while he was doing her. Howard said he heard that's what he wanted her to do and that was the only way he could get off.
Howard said Brooke told them that he called his mother from the bedroom there. Brooke said that before that they watched the Cathouse show and then he ordered a drink just like her mother had on that episode. Then he called his own mother. Howard said that some of the girls there aren't that hot but Brooke is one of the hottest he's seen there. He wondered why Michael would call his mother right before he gets laid. Michael said that he wanted to tell his mother that she didn't have to clean up the sheets from then on.
Howard asked what Michael was talking to his mother about. She said he was telling her that he was there and they were all yelling in the background. They were going to give him a bath so he let her know about that.
Howard asked if they caught a whiff of his ass or anything. She said she didn't smell anything but he flew across the country so they wanted to make sure he was clean.
Howard said that this wasn't even the weirdest thing. Brooke told them that Michael has a toe fetish and wanted to suck on her toes. Howard said that's weird that a guy who has never been laid before wanted to suck on her toes. Michael admitted he's a freak. Michael said there are a few issues going on there. He said they tasted good and smelled good. He said her vagina tasted like strawberries.
Howard read that Michael wasn't able to stay hard with Brooke. Michael said that it was because he jerked off on his sister's computer before he went out there. He said he fucked up her computer doing that.
Brooke said that it was hard for him to get worked up for her. Michael said that she wasn't wearing the same perfume as she was the first day he saw her. Howard said he doesn't get that. Brooke said he eventually got hard for her but it wasn't happening easy.
Brooke said that Michael just wanted to lick her and didn't want to fuck her. She said that Amy ended up taking over in that arena since he was only able to get hard for her.
Howard said if he can't get hard for this girl, he might be gay. Michael said it was because he jerked off and got impatient. Howard said that wouldn't even slow him down. He said this chick would be able to get it up for her no problem.
Michael said it was the way Air Force Amy was calling him the N-word that got him hard. Brooke said that Amy put baby powder on him and said that she liked him as a white guy. That's when he stared to get hard from what Amy told her.
Howard had Amy on the phone so he asked her about calling Michael the N-word. She said that it just happened and she didn't plan it. She said that she didn't know it was going to get him hard.
Howard read more about what went on and found out that he didn't come for either of them the whole night. Howard said that if he was with women for the first time in his life, he would come no matter what. Michael said that he ended up crying that night because he became very attached to the girls. Howard said that's because he spent 87 hours to come.
Brooke said that Michael was attached to a waitress that they met at a restaurant too. She said that he got a hard on from her.
Robin said that she thinks that this guy, who is 34, masturbates a lot and he claims he can go for 3 or 4 hours doing that. She said that he's a freak and a freak to the first order. She said his masturbation is weird.
Howard read that Michael was called a big ape by Amy and that turned him on. Michael said he told them about that at dinner and they knew that.
Artie said that Michael smokes a lot of weed and that might be part of the problem. Michael said that he does smoke a lot but he didn't think that was the problem.
Howard read that Michael stuck his tongue up Amy's ass. Michael said that he liked that. Then Brooke said that they were trying to get him to do them doggy style but he tried going in there with his tongue. Michael said he wanted to do that because it tasted like strawberries.
Howard said that guys who are virgins can't last with a woman this long in most cases. Irish John called in and said he thinks this Cyclops nig*er is a fag. Michael said ''fuck you John.'' Another caller asked if this guy could possibly be a virgin and not get hard and not come with them.
Howard asked Michael if he really is a virgin. Brooke said that he told them that he had eaten out other women before. Michael admitted he had done that but he never fucked any chicks. He said that most of the chicks in the hood aren't like these chicks.
Howard said he's not sure what's going on with this guy. He thanked everyone for coming in and calling in. He gave them some plugs for the BunnyRanch.com web site. Michael said that he's going to get a job and go back to see them. Howard said there's no reason to do that. Michael said that he's going to get a job, make some money and go back there to see these girls again. Howard said that this guy is a tough case.
Howard said that Brooke didn't even get him inside of her. He kept going limp. Artie said that was quite an insult. Amy said that she has the video of them doing this guy at her web site AirForceAmy.com. Howard congratulated Michael on wasting his prize out there and then went to break.
Howard came back and talked about the shows they had coming up next week. He also said they have Ed Torian there so he was wondering if they should have some fun with that. He said he might ask that guy Michael if he's gay. Robin said that would be a good question. She said it's either that or that he's sat in his room so long alone that he can't have regular sex.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would take the test and answer if there was ever any insertion with Rebecca Romijn. Howard said he never did but he'd take the test for that. He said he never had sex with her. Robin said she wants to know about Carmen Electra too. Howard said he never did her either and that was the truth.
Robin said that Pam Anderson wrote a letter to Barack Obama and it as full of mistakes. She didn't know what it said though. Howard said he will take the lie detector if they want him to. He had some of the questions the guys wanted to ask him. He said they wanted to ask about who he likes on the staff, if he likes being Jewish, are white people smarter than black people and things like that.
Howard said they wanted to ask Ronnie if he has ever had anything inserted in his ass. They can ask Scott the Engineer who he hates on the show. They can ask High Pitch Mike if he's gay. Artie said that would be a highlight. Howard said they can ask Jon Hein if he really had 80 blow jobs. Robin said he kind of backed out on that already.
Howard said he wanted to ask Jon if he masturbates, if he's had 80 blow jobs from 80 different women and if he resents Howard for his money. Howard said they could ask Artie if he's taking any drugs. Artie said he'll do that.
Gary said that Jon Hein was getting hooked up as they speak. Howard turned on Ed Torian's microphone and Artie started doing his impression of him. They had a painting of Artie up on the wall in the green room so Howard told him that's some picture. There was another picture of Benjy in a yoga position that was even more disturbing.
Howard asked Ed how he was doing. Ed said he was good and said it was good to see him. They went back and forth with the greetings for a few seconds.
Howard said Jon was still being strapped in since that takes a while to set up. The guys talked about what they could ask High Pitch Mike about and how Artie accused Mike of being gay. Artie said there have been some odd things with that guy that make him appear gay. Howard asked Artie how he thinks Mike will do on the test. Artie said he thinks he will fail in a very high voice.
Gary said that Ed was going to do a couple of test questions and then they'd get to the other questions. Jon thought he was the only one who was going to be taking the test. Howard said he's going to take one himself. High Pitch Mike is also ready to take his. Howard told Jon that it looked like he had a C-cup with the straps under his man breasts.
Ed did some test questions with Jon like asking what his name was and what day it was. Then Howard got into his questions. He had Ed ask Jon ''Do you presently masturbate?'' Jon said no. Howard asked ''Did you really receive over 60 blow jobs from 60 different women?'' Jon said ''No.'' Gary said that Jon brought it down to 30 in later discussions. Jon said yes when they lowered it to 30.
Howard then asked ''Have you masturbated in the last 3 years?'' Jon said ''Yes.'' Howard said the truth came out then. The guys thought it had been a much longer time. Jon said he hadn't in the last year. Howard said he thought it was never.
Howard said that Jon just revealed that he had lied to them. Howard asked what the special occasion was that he jerked off. Jon said he can't remember the last time he did it. Howard said he thought he said that he had never jerked off since he got married. Jon said that he never said that but he can't remember the last time he did it.
Howard asked for the results. Ed said that he failed the one about masturbation in 3 years and the one about 30 blow jobs. Howard said he knew it. Jon said that must clearly be true then. Jon said that Ed found him out and he didn't know what to say. Howard thanked him for that and told Jon to get lost.
Howard told them to get Mike in the chair next. Howard found out that Belzer was there too so he told the guys to tell him to get ready for that.
Howard asked Mike was going to do this test but then Mike was saying that he would only take the test if Artie took a drug test. Howard asked him if he was going to do it or not. Mike said that people already have a perception of him and they're not going to believe him either way. Howard told him to just get in the chair. Mike said there were two scenarios. One, he says no, and his nerves will make it look like he's lying. He said he really didn't care to take the test. Howard said he doesn't have a perception of him. Mike said that Artie does. Artie said his opinion hasn't said anything to change everyone else's mind.
Howard cut Mike off and asked if he was willing to take the test. Mike thought for a second and said he'd see how it works. Howard said he didn't appear to be happy about doing it because he threw down the headphones. They set him up in the chair and Howard told Mike to just have a little fun with it. Mike asked for some Madonna or Michael Jackson stuff in the background. Artie said then they wouldn't have to ask the gay question. Mike said Artie calls him gay but he's not the one who had jizz on his chest.
Fred played some Michael Jackson ''Billy Jean'' while they got Mike in the chair. Howard described what was going on as Ed was doing his work. Howard said he knew there were going to be sample questions. Gary said it looked like Mike was freaking out.
Howard said he wanted Ed to do this properly so they wouldn't screw it up. Howard said the whole thing is absurd.
Ed asked Mike if his name was Mike and if it was Thursday and if he lives in New York State. Mike was answering in a low voice which was kind of odd. Howard then had Ed ask Mike if he was a homosexual. Ed was laughing and wasn't able to ask the question. Mike said ''no'' to that. Howard then asked ''Have you ever received a big cock in your ass?'' Ed started laughing when he heard that. He wasn't able to ask the question because he was laughing so hard. He'd try to compose himself but then he'd start to laugh again. Ed asked him if he had ever had a black cock in his ass.
Howard asked if Mike was a virgin and Mike said no to that. Artie asked ''Do you want the Yankees get Sebathia?'' Mike had no idea what he was talking about so Artie figured they had their answers to everything with that. They asked Mike if he hated Artie. He said yes. Howard asked if he hoped Artie died. Mike said no.
Howard asked Ed to give them the results and thanked Mike for being part of the test. Ed said that Mike failed the homosexual question. Mike said the machine looks like it was put together in his basement. Ed said he passed the cock question. The virgin question he failed on. Howard said that he was truthful about hating Artie. That was clearly the truth. Ed said that he was truthful about the not wishing Artie to die question. Ed pointed out where he lied and showed where his heart rate changed and stuff like that.
Howard said that the failed a test one time so he knows that they're not that reliable. Howard said he thought it was odd that the machine drew a picture of a cock when it was running. He said he didn't know what that meant.
Howard said he was going to get Belzer in there to take a test next. Artie said that he's okay with Mike being a gay guy.
Belzer said that he would have called Howard up if he had done what he did with that event. Belzer said that he really was sick that day and he was shitting and puking blood. Belzer said he thought he could make it to the event that day so that's why he waited until 15 minutes before the show started to pull out.
Howard said he was going to be honest with him. He said he went to the charity event and this was the third year in a row that a celebrity did this. Last year it was Sam Champion who canceled. He did it 2 days before the even though.
Belzer said that he was sweating, shitting and puking that day and he wasn't out like Howard heard he was. Belzer said he was sick that day and went out and performed prior to that, not after that. Belzer said he's devoted to the whole thing and he didn't cancel because he wanted to. He was sick.
Howard said that he wanted to tell Belzer what he would have done if he were in that position. Belzer kept interrupting him and didn't let him get a thought out. Belzer said that he was sick that day. He said Howard was out of line but Howard said Belzer was out of line. Belzer said he wouldn't have made this up just to get out of doing the event.
Howard told Belzer that he thinks that Belzer was tired from doing shows and he pulled this shenanigans to get out of doing more work. Belzer said he was telling the truth and he was sick. Howard said he's not telling the truth.
Howard said that Belzer took Artie's food and started to eat it. Then he spit the food out and asked what the fuck that was. Howard wondered why he would do something like that.
Belzer said he didn't like being beat up over something when he gave him the explanation. Belzer said he wanted to get the North Shore Animal League on the phone. Howard said that he called them 15 minutes before the show started to tell them he wasn't coming. Belzer said it was an hour. Howard said it was 15 minutes, he was there when they got the call.
Howard asked Belzer if he would take the lie detector test to find out if he's lying. Belzer said he would do it but didn't want to leave the studio. Howard told him he had to go to the green room to do it.
Belzer went in to get hooked up but he didn't like the way he had to be hooked up. Howard said that Belzer begged to come to his wedding and then he didn't show up. Belzer said he was there at 10 that night. Howard said he showed up but it was late. Belzer said that he has a job.
Howard told Belzer to just take the test. Belzer was complaining about everything. Howard said that Belzer didn't even call himself about not showing up to that event. His assistant called instead.
Howard said Belzer has written a book called ''I Am Not a Cop!: A Novel.'' He gave him a plug for that and then had Ed do his test questions.
Ed asked Belz not to move because he had to get everything ready to take the test. Ed asked Richard if his name was Richard. Belzer said too many words instead of just a yes or no. He wouldn't shut up. He kept talking and moving so Ed kept asking him not to talk and please stay still. Ed told him he was making it tough for him.
Belzer eventually calmed down so Ed got into the questions. Howard asked Ed to ask him if he was sick the night of the North Shore Animal league event. Belzer said yes. Howard had him ask him if he was bleeding from his ass the night of that event. Ed asked but Belzer started to laugh. Howard had Ed ask if he was too sick to perform the night of that event. Belzer said yes. Howard asked if he was bleeding from his ass that night. Belzer said yes.
Howard had Ed ask if he knew that morning that he wouldn't be able to do that charity event. Belzer said no. They asked Belzer if he called 15 minutes before the event to cancel. Belzer said no. Howard asked if he's ever downed a kitten. Belzer laughed. He said he never did but he did fuck one.
Howard asked Belzer if he would have sex with Obama. He said yes. Belzer was asked if he likes being Jewish. Belzer just laughed. Belzer told Howard to ask him if he was gay. Howard asked that but they were done with the test by then.
Howard asked Ed if Belzer was lying about the question about being sick that night of the event. Ed said that he failed that one. Howard thought that was funny. Belzer said ''fuck you...'' Howard said they asked him if he was too sick to perform, he flunked that one as well.
Belzer said that this was a version of the truth that they were getting. Ed said he was lying about bleeding from his ass too. Howard asked if he knew in the morning he wasn't going to be able to do the event. He was lying about that too. Belzer said this was all bullshit. Howard said they asked him if he called in 15 minutes before and Ed said he was lying about that too.
Howard told Belzer he failed and he's a liar. Belzer said that this was all bullshit and it was like a Mattel toy, fucking bullshit, fake thing they just did.
Howard said that guy Ed is a legitimate guy. Belzer said that he wanted to go to break so he could tell Howard something. He said he had something to tell him but he didn't want to do it on the air. Belzer said it was very important. He kept asking to go to break but Howard kept saying no.
Howard told Belzer not to make him feel bad during the break. Belzer said he wants to talk to him off the air about this whole thing. Howard said he wasn't going to break. He said he knew he was going to guilt him somehow. Belzer said he wanted to explain it to him off the air. Howard said he thinks that Belzer is going to tell him that he hates animals.
Howard asked Robin if he should go to break. Robin said that he should go to break. Howard said that they're making this the most interesting interview ever. Belzer told Howard to go to fucking break. Howard said he could lie and tell him that they're off the air. They pretended to do that but Belzer played along and started to tell a story about getting a blow job that night and getting bitten.
Howard said he would pay Belzer $1,000 to not talk to him during the break. Belzer asked him to go to break again. Howard said he knows it's going to be something terrible. Howard said he has to admit that he wasn't sick that night. Belzer said he was sick that night. Howard asked if he has a drug problem. He said he was going to go to break against his better judgment. He asked how long it will take to tell him. Belzer said it will take like 2 minutes.
Belzer said that he won't come on to him during the break. Howard said that when he missed Gary's father's funeral he had the decency to call Gary himself. Howard said there has to be something going on with Belzer. He went to break a short time later but he figured it was going to ruin everything.
Howard said that Belzer really was sick from what he told him. He said that he's fine now though. Robin asked what was going on but Belzer wanted to leave it at what they had already said. He said he just wanted to sell his book.
Howard gave Belzer some plugs for his book and said he'll be on The Daily Show tonight. Belzer said that Jon Stewart is a great guy. He said they went to honor George Carlin together and had a great time doing that. Belzer talked about some of the stuff they found out about Carlin and how he had an FBI file on him based on the stuff they had in his act.
Belzer said he had a bit of Obama's speech that he's going to make the day he goes into office. He started to do his Arab terrorist impression when he did that. He was just joking and said that he voted for Obama as many times as he could in the election. Howard told Belzer that he voted for Obama. He asked if Belzer ever thought he would see a black man in office like that. Belzer said he never thought it would happen.
Howard asked Belzer if he still hates America. Belzer said he never hated America. Howard asked him if he thinks America is better than France. Belzer said that they do things in a different way over there and he likes being there.
Howard asked how long it took Belzer to write this book of his. Belzer said it was about a year. He said he's been playing this same character, Munch, for 16 years now and he wanted to write about what goes on when you play the same character on so many shows. He said that he's played Munch on 10 different shows now.
Howard asked Belzer about the book and what that's about. Belzer said that he uses his own name in the book and he gets involved in a crime in the book and helps solve it even though he's not a real cop.
Robin was still asking about the event that Belzer backed out of but both Howard and Belzer wanted to drop it at that point. Howard moved on and gave Belzer some more plugs. He said he almost banned him from the show based on what happened that night with the whole event.
Howard apologized to Belzer about what he said about him not showing up at the event. Belzer got in some more plugs for his book before Howard took some phone calls.
A woman called in and said that she used to work with Belzer and she wanted to know what this whole thing was about that he's not talking about. Howard said it was very personal and it was a legitimate reason. He told her she has to trust him on this.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Belzer's cockieness went away after all of this stuff. Belzer told the guy he didn't like his attitude either and cursed him out. The caller was just trying to find out if they were still friends. Howard said they're fine. Howard said Belzer hit it off with that guy.
Belzer is doing a show with Richard Lewis in January so Howard asked if he's going to get top billing over Lewis. Belzer said he thinks he is but he doesn't really care. He said he thinks the venue took care of that. Belzer said that he really doesn't care but the venue wants him to close that night so he's getting top billing.
Richard said that he wanted to call the show ''The Two Dicks'' but they went with ''The Two Richards'' instead. Howard thanked Belz and went to break.
Howard came back and knew what song was playing. Robin said she hadn't heard it before. Howard said that Artie should dig that song. Artie said that he's reading his autobiography and it's really good. Robin said it wasn't really inspiring.
Howard had Mike Walker on the line to play his game. Mike said he was going to go to Artie's book signing but something came up. He said that Artie did call him gay and stuff too. Mike said that he will buy a book so he doesn't have to send one.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. He asked Steve if he thinks Lisa G should have done the lie detector test. Steve said that he does think she should have, it's the show. Howard said it was nice Mike participated in it.
Steve said that High Pitch Eric may have misled the court last week when he was in for his theft case. He told the court that he was going to try and do the $5,000 Wheel of Fish thing on the show but he knew a week before that the deal was already off the table. Steve said Eric hung up on him when he called and asked why he lied.
Steve said that he found out that John Wayne Bobbit's blood pressure wasn't too high after he was bumped from fighting with Bob Levy recently. Steve also had a story about a new friend that Riley has who will be living at his house for a few months.
Eric the Midget was back on the phone so Howard asked what he could do for him. Eric said he wanted to talk during that segment with Brooke and Amy. He said the phone lines were completely tied up. Howard thanked him for that. Artie said ''See ya later... bye...'' Eric asked if there was any word from Natalie. Eric said that the Real Doll is going to be made then. Eric said he's going to send the doll up to the Bunny Ranch and they're going to post that on the internet. Robins said that's great but the girls still won't be touching him.
Howard said Eric is so mad at Natalie Maines that he's commissioning a doll of her to be made and he's going to fuck it. Howard said she'll probably freak out when she hears that. Howard said that the Eric doll is being made as they speak. Eric said ''yeah, right.''
Howard said that Robin has a statue in her booth that is Eric flying with balloons and people are threatening to steal it. Robin said that the people from Howard TV found it and she won't let it go. Howard said it's terrific. Fred said it really looked like him. He said that they need to adjust the blush factor. Doug Goodstein said that Eric could make a fortune off of that statue. Eric said they won't even let him make money off the pictures of him and Howard. Howard said that's different, that's a picture of him. Howard said this statue is just Eric.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview next. He ran through his list of upcoming topics on the show. Howard said he heard that Jon was upset about what happened during the lie detector test. Howard said that Jon claimed he wasn't a masturbator but he does masturbate. Jon said that it was the way Howard was phrasing stuff saying that he claimed not to ever masturbate when he never said he never did. Howard said that he knew Jon was lying about the blow jobs thing too. Jon said that Ed must have gotten him on that.
Robin asked Jon when he got married. Jon said he was 23. Robin said she figures that Jon had 5 or 6 blow jobs, not 30 plus. Jon sounded a little insulted by that.
Robin said that she has a friend who got an autograph from Barack Obama and he think that he's going to make money off of it. Robin said there's a guy who owns a bar in Virginia is trying to sell a pool table that Obama played at. He's trying to get $500,000 for it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that you can get SIRIUS on your cell phone now and got in a plug for this GeeksToolbox thing that does it over a cell phone connection and not over wi-fi. Howard thanked him for that.
Robin read a story about a flight attendant who helped land a plane when the co-pilot had a mental break down. She had a story about a teacher who claimed that a 13 year old hugged her in an inappropriate way in class one day.
Howard said the voting is still going on for the ''I Want To Be Howard Stern'' contest and Dante is in the lead with 40 percent of the votes. Ham Hands bill is in second and Sam Tripoly is in third. Howard said he really liked that Dante guy's show.
Robin read a story about Paris Hilton and her boyfriend breaking up after a few months of dating. Robin had some news about Hugh Jackman being voted the sexiest man alive by People magazine. She had some audio of Hugh commenting on that news.
Howard said that Beth was voted as wearing a couple of dresses better than a couple of women like Kristin Davis and Candace Bushnell. Artie said he saw Candace up close and in person and she looks older in person than she does on TV. Howard said he gave Beth a tongue lashing over her losing to Michael Douglas' wife, Catherine Zeta Jones, in one of those ''Who Wore It Better'' things. He said that Beth came back and took the win twice.
Robin said that Jimmy Kimmel is going to be hosting the Tonight Show again soon. She said it seems that Jay is cozying up to Jimmy lately and maybe he's going to be making the move to ABC when he leaves the Tonight Show.
Robin said that Rick Rubin is going to be working with Neil Diamond on his next album. He's actually worked with him on his last two albums. Howard said that Rick is good but this might be the worst thing he's ever worked on.
Robin said that there are chess clubs in prison now and the people in them are really good. There are people who go from Princeton to go play with prisoners.
Robin said that they did an interrogation with the 8 year old kid who killed his parents and put the tape out. Howard said they're saying that they did it wrong because the kid didn't have a legal guardian with him at the time. Robin had Howard play the audio from that interview. The kid was saying his father was suffering after the first shot so he shot him again. Howard said you just have to admit that this kid has gone wrong.
Robin read a story about an 11 year old kid who suffers from werewolf syndrome where hair grows over every inch of the kid except for his palms and feet. Artie said he would fit right in with the Wack Pack. He wondered how long it would take Bob Levy to get him on the Killers of Comedy tour.
Robin read a story about the big smoke out that's going on and had some audio of a woman talking about how you start to heal as soon as you stop smoking. Fred threw in some nasty coughs from Blue Iris and Henry Hill during that discussion.
Robin said that Barack Obama was called a ''house negro'' during an audio message from Al Qaeda. Robin also had some news about the pirates in Somalia she brought up earlier this week. She said that it's become a huge problem and now it's too much of a problem to police.
Robin had some news about the big 3 auto makers asking for a bail out. They said that their failure would spike unemployment if they go under. She had some audio of them talking about that. She also had Governor Schwarzenegger saying that they should weigh this very carefully before bailing them out. Robin said that Ford Motor Company revealed their latest hybrid vehicle, the Fusion Hybrid. It can get up to 39 miles per gallon in the city.
Robin said that there's a Christian church that's calling Barack Obama's recent win a sin against God. She had some audio of those nuts talking about why it's wrong for him to believe in other religions. Howard said some jerk thinks that he has the only path to something and he has to come out against this guy. He said there are so many weirdos in this country that it's frightening. Howard said he doesn't get why they call Obama a Muslim when he says that he's a Christian.
Robin said that on eharmony.com they're going to be giving special offers to people who sign up for same sex services. She had a story about a guy who has been banned from filing more lawsuits over handicapped accessibility. He's been filing too many so they banned him from doing it.
Robin read a story about a swimming coach who was charged with child porn allegations and for molesting some kids. Robin wrapped up after that. Howard said he was thinking about Benjy making out with Anna Nicole Smith that time on the show. He wasn't sure why he was thinking about it though. They spent a few seconds on that before ending the show around 10:40am.
Jon moved on to talk about Richard Belzer and what went on with him. Gary said that people are already yelling at him trying to find out what Belzer told Howard during the break. Gary said that Howard told Robin what Belzer said but all he knows is that Robin was saying ''Oh my god!'' when she found out about it. Gary said he really has no idea what it was that Belzer said to Howard.
Jon said that Belzer did seem kind of fired up when he came in. He didn't expect it to turn out the way it did. Gary said it all depends on what Belzer told Howard during the break but no one will ever know what it was.
Gary said he didn't even expect Belzer to do the lie detector test. Jon asked if it's hard to work with Ed on that lie detector test thing. Gary said it has gotten easier but sometimes it can be tough. Gary said that he repeats himself a lot and they keep telling him to do his thing but Ed just won't do it. Jon said it's tough to keep a straight face in that chair with Ed.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what show they liked Belzer in better, Homicide or Law and Order. He also asked about this Crazy Jim Blimpie Burger place out in Michigan. Jon said he used to go there when he was in college and it's great.
Jon said that Belzer was in The Wire too but he thinks that he was better on Homicide than he was on Law and Order. Gary said he didn't see Homicide but he has seen Law and Order. He's pretty much just doing cameos on that show now too. He said he's doing pretty much the same thing every week. Jon said it is amazing that he's been on so many different shows doing the same character.
Gary said that Belzer got his job on Homicide when Barry Levinson heard him on the Stern Show so they're indirectly responsible for Belzer doing that character for the past 16 years.
Jon said that it could be worse for her not to do it because she probably caught more shit over that than if she had actually done it.
Gary said that it looked like Howard was going to do it today too but they just ran out of time. He said he thought Howard would have done it if they had the time. Gary said he thinks that Fred wouldn't have done it if they had asked him to do it. Gary said he doesn't think Fred likes that kind of stuff.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Robin was on that list. Gary said she was. Jon said that he thought Robin had done it before since that's what she said. Gary didn't remember her doing it though.
Another caller asked if Lisa G thinks she's going to win a Pulitzer prize or something because she's way overblown with this whole journalist thing she uses as an excuse. Gary said that's an easy way for her to get out of doing stuff if she doesn't want to do it.
Benjy said he thought Lisa was caught in a Catch 22 because she couldn't win either way. If she answered the question in the lie detector thing she could have been made fun of for what the outcome was. If she didn't do it then she would get goofed on for not doing it.
Jon played a clip where Ronnie came in and went off on Lisa for not doing it. Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Ronnie has feelings for her. Gary thinks that they have something going on there and Ronnie is treating her like the girl who sits in front of him in school where he pulls her pony tails.
A caller reminded the guys when Robin took her lie detector test and how Ed was laughing too hard to even ask her all of the questions. That led to the guys talking about Robin for a short time and giving their theories on her. Gary has been making an effort to let Robin know that they're just giving their opinions when they talk about her this way.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she thinks Lisa's biggest problem is about being asked about her feelings for Howard. She said she thinks Lisa is in love with Howard and she's afraid of letting that out. Jon said they all think that she's in love with him so they don't disagree with her on that.
The caller was also saying that Lisa wants everyone to be involved with her but she really doesn't contribute anything to the show. Gary said he'd like her to come down so they could ask her about what she has given to the show. Jon said she seemed kind of offended when Howard said she was uptight. Gary said that some people don't see it when they are uptight.
Ronnie came in and said he didn't have much time since he was filming a movie. Jon asked him how he felt going in and letting Lisa know she wasn't a team player. Ronnie said she never has been one and maybe Howard would include her in stuff if she was a team player.
Ronnie said that Lisa comes into The Black Cloud Diner (Scott's studio) and asks them questions that they can't answer and she's really annoying with that shit. Ronnie also said that she's an old lady and he doesn't go after old ladies. Ronnie said he's really banning her from the Black Cloud Diner until she becomes a team player.
A caller said he agrees with Ronnie about this and said that she used to be kind of funny and cute but now it's just annoying. He said they should throw her off the show if she doesn't start participating. The guy called her a cunt but Ronnie said that's not nice, even he wouldn't do that.
Jon asked if it would ruin her role on the show if she did start participating. Gary said she's kind of like the Margaret Dumont who was with the Marx brothers and they later said that she really didn't get the jokes. He said he agrees with Jon about her having that role on the show. They also talked about how Penny Crone was part of the whole show and she would have done the lie detector thing in a second.
A caller agreed with Gary about Penny Crone. He was also asking if they could have Ralph come into the Wrap Up Show on the days they do their creative meetings because Jon sounds like he's going to snap by the end of the show on those days. Gary said that Ralph is even ballsier on the phone than he is in the studio. Jon agrees with him on that.
A caller asked Jon why he doesn't correct Robin when she says ''NSCI'' instead of ''NCIS'' when she's doing her news. Jon said that he can't just go in and interrupt the news like that.
Jon talked about High Pitch Mike taking the lie detector test and how he failed the homosexual question. Gary said he doesn't know what that all means anyway so he's not sure where the truth lies. Benjy said that they had Mike on as a virgin back in 1998 but he's not sure if he's actually had sex since then. He doesn't believe that he has.
Gary asked the guy if it still takes hours for him to finish. The guy said he's kind of weird so he does take a while to finish. He said his sex life is okay but he's into a lot of porn too. Gary said that he must have other issues then.
Another caller said the only way you can last that long as a virgin unless they're on some kind of medication. The guys spent a short time on that and talked about Michael and some of the stuff he was talking about with the Bunny Ranch girl in the studio. Will came in and said the guy came off as a total whack job today.
A caller said that he doesn't think that Mike is gay and he felt really bad for him today. Gary said that Mike was shaking in there and he really looked like he was in the electric chair. He said it's very nerve racking to be in that chair.
Benjy said he likes Mike but there are some things about him that make him seem gay. The other guys said they don't think he's gay. Will said that if anything, he might be a-sexual. The caller said he thinks the guy might just be kind of a goofy guy and that's it.
Jon said the whole process is bizarre. Gary said it was funny when Ed misinterpreted one of the questions and threw in the ''black'' comment in the one question. That wasn't the first time he had done that either.
The guys were talking about how many books Artie has sold already. Teddy said that they were saying that they printed like 270,000 copies but only 100,000 sold to get him on the best seller list.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why Howard hasn't read Artie's book yet. Jon didn't know he had said that. The caller said that he said it on the air the other day. Gary said that by the time they come back from vacation he'll probably have read it.
The caller thinks that Howard is jealous or something and he doesn't like to see other people getting so much success. Gary said that Howard has helped Artie out with the book by writing the foreword to it. He said this guy is just reading something into the whole situation.
Benjy said he didn't read the book yet but he has a copy. He said he wants to be able to sit down and read the whole thing when he has a big chunk of time to do it. Gary said he hasn't read it all either. He said he's read a chapter but not the whole thing. Jon said he's read the whole thing already and there are some great chapters in there.
Jon took call from a guy who asked why Howard continues to have Lisa G on the show. He also asked what happened to Penny Crone. Gary said the reason Lisa comes in is because that's her job. Penny was a victim of budget cuts and she was let go. He doesn't know why they let her go over other people but that's not his decision. They had to go to break a short time later.
Will said that the worst guy is Big Foot who is the biggest pain in the ass to work with. Gary said that they have to make deals with Big Foot to get him down there. He ends up getting there and trying to renegotiating the deals they make with him to get him there.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she met Gary out at Nobu one time and she had him sign a dollar bill for her. She said that he was the nicest person that night. Then she saw Artie crashing into the elevator and not even being able to push the buttons. Gary said that may have been the night he had the black out.
Benjy thought that this was a woman who said that he could live with her in her house in California. She said that wasn't her.
The caller said she thinks that Gary has a very normal life but Artie is kind of sad. She said that he has so much talent but he's so disturbed. Gary said that he has an issue with that too. He said he looks at Artie and sees a guy with a book, selling out big rooms and 2 more years on his contract. He wonders what he could be upset about but it's something in him that causes him to feel the way he does. Jon said Artie has said that he thrives on chaos so when things are great, that's not good for him.
Gary wondered if Artie is always going to want chaos in his life. Jon said he thinks that he will. It's just in his blood. He said he wishes that he could go off and enjoy his success but that may not happen. Will said that Artie thinks that he's going to be happy when he gets somewhere but that happiness never comes no matter what he succeeds at.
A caller brought up the Drambui commercials they do and corrected him on some of the pronunciations they do in the commercial. Gary told the guy that they gave them the pronunciation key for the words and that's what they're going by. The guy was actually calling in from Scotland and said he listens over there after listening to them over in Canada. Jon apologized to the guy for his mistakes.
Jon said he feels dumb after that. The guys thought it was cool he was calling in from Scotland. It's amazing how far they can reach. Will said they get calls from all over the world now that people have computers they can listen on.
The guys got back to Artie and talked more about his problems. Gary was also surprised by Fred bringing up that time he had a boner on stage because that happened like 17 years ago. He said that's not that abnormal to get a boner.
Will said that he thinks Howard or Artie would be the most abnormal out of the people in the studio. Gary said that Artie is the one who isn't getting his stuff under control so that's why he would pick Artie. Will said he would have to agree with him on that.
Jon asked the guys who they find least dysfunctional. Gary said that Will might be the most normal appearing but he's so normal that there has to be something wrong with him. Gary said he's got a pretty good handle on everything from what he can see. He said he seems to have a plan for his life.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Lisa G to Howard is like Bailey to Andy on WKRP in Cincinnati. The caller was also saying that he believes that Britney Spears may have been molested as a child because of the way she broke down. He said that Robin was molested and that's why she has broken down over the years too. The guy said that might show why she's one of the most abnormal in the studio. He thinks that she'll always struggle with that.
Jon said that Fred and Artie both had to overcome some tough stuff growing up. Gary did too. They've all had their issues. Benjy said his parents didn't have color TV for the longest time so he had to struggle. Will gave him an ''ugh'' when he heard that.
Benjy said he thinks that Artie had a great childhood based on what he's read. Jon said that he may have but then his father had his accident and died a few years later.
Gary said that Robin used to be really pissed off. He said that things would set her off at work and she would go crazy. They ran out of coffee once and she started running around with the coffee pot screaming. Then she lost her umbrella one time and went into various offices screaming and asking where her umbrella was. Some guy gave her his just to get her out of there.
Benjy brought up the comment Robin made about how she was becoming too normal and may have to leave the show. Gary said you can't leave this show, it's like ''The Firm'' and you never leave it.
JD came in so Jon asked who he thinks is the most abnormal one there. He said it was Sal. He said that Jon might be the most normal and he might be too normal. He mumbled a bit and didn't have much to say so Will said ''Well said as usual.''
Jon took a call from a woman who asked why Howard didn't tell Gary what Belzer said. Gary said if it was just him and Robin in the studio he probably would have. There were other people around so he didn't tell everyone. He doesn't feel slighted by it though.
A caller brought up Artie again and he thinks that Artie has issues about his childhood and feels guilt about his father's death. He probably feels guilty about his success after all of the stuff he had to go through. The caller said that Artie is going to have a tough time getting past all of that stuff. Gary said that he agrees with a lot of what this guy was saying.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he thinks Gary is the most normal on the show. He said that Artie has the most demons but the least normal have to be Sal and Richard. He said if he had to pick one of those two he'd have to pick Richard.
Gary said that he's not sure that not brushing your teeth is that abnormal. He said that he loves Sal but his mind goes to some really dark places sometimes. He said that Sal telling Jared to jerk off to get rid of JD in the contest yesterday, that was just fucked up.
Jon took one more call from JD's father, Chuck, who talked football and about his son taking home some money after that contest. Gary asked for a toot of his horn so Chuck did that for them as they were ending the show.
Below you'll find my original write up from December 17, 2007. Times listed are from that original write up. Here's what they played, you can read the full details in my archives:
This week's Best of the Week was over around 7:30pm.