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Howard started the show talking about how he was unable to watch the Academy Awards last night because he was sick. He said he may not even make it through the whole show today. Howard said on Thursday he ended up doing a 3 1/2 hour interview with Neil Strauss from Rolling Stone. He said that he was a great guest on the show that day too.
Howard said he did an interview for about an hour and then had to leave. He said he ended up talking to him again for a couple of hours for a total of 3 hours. He said he started to feel a sore throat coming on like he had a cold. He said he had to do the photo shoot the next morning. He said he has to do the Daily Show with Jon Stewart tonight. He said he's sick and he can't talk so he's not sure if he can cancel Jon's show. Howard said he has Jimmy Kimmel on Thursday but that's via satellite. Howard said Jon doesn't shoot until like 7 at night.
Howard said he tried blaming Beth for the cold but he thinks he actually got it at Reos where they had dinner last week. He said he didn't bring his gel with him and everyone was shaking his hand. He said he feels bad all the time and he has to get over that neurosis. He said he hasn't been sick for like 2 years and now he's gotten hit hard. Robin said they were very lucky until now. Howard said Beth was sick and she thought she knew how he felt but he's got to go and talk for four hours. He said she has no idea how he feels.
Howard said he's going out to do this promotion and he's not sure why he's doing it. No one from the company is coming to him and thanking him or even noticing. He said that Jimmy should let him off the hook at least. He said that he's sweating like a pig today. Howard said it's gone from his throat to his chest and that's the way it goes every time he gets sick. He wouldn't think twice about it if he didn't have to do all of these appearances. He said that his agent booked this stuff and he figured it was fine. He said he didn't know he'd be sick. He's screwed.
Howard said he sounds alright but he's really struggling. Robin asked if he was tweeting about being sick. Howard said he's over Twitter now. He said he hates going on there and seeing the negative shit that some people post. He said that most of the people are nice but then there's one person who calls him a piece of shit and he can't take that. He said he's got to avoid it.
Howard said he was being driven in his car last night when he Tweeted about being sick. He said some asshole Tweeted and asked if he wasn't going to be there at work. He said another guy said he had to do a great show even if he's sick. He said he's not sure why he's doing this Twitter thing. He has to take some time off. Robin told him to take some time off because he's sick and it will make it seem worse than it is.
Howard said the last place he wants to be is there. He said he did watch some of the red carpet coverage last night. He said Joan Rivers used to be funny when she'd bust balls on the red carpet. He said that Ryan Seacrest is doing it now and it's just not funny. Robin said Ryan asked Helena Bonham Carter when she knew people were going to take to the movie and she just said ''I guess when they went to see it. Howard said the guy is such a dick sucker. He said that he couldn't suck more asshole than he does.
Howard said that they don't let anyone have any fun in Hollywood. He said that the whole award show thing is so boring. Robin said no one looked all that spectacular either. Howard said they all seem to want to look like old movie stars and they look way hotter when they don't get made up. He said they look retarded when they get all made up. Howard said Gwyneth Paltrow looks better when she's not all dressed up.
Howard said Anne Hathaway is weird because she looks hot in movies but not on TV. He said he heard that the show was really boring and the only good thing was Kirk Douglas. He said he refused to get off the stage. Robin said she thinks that he's still getting plastic surgery. She said he's still pulling his face back even though he's so old and has had a stroke. She wondered what doctor would do that. Howard said you'd think that he'd be over that at his age. Robin said he's still flirting with women too.
Howard said he heard that someone was holding her chest because she couldn't believe that Kirk was flirting with her. Howard said that's not creepy.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave him some ''Wahhhh'' comments about him being sick. Howard told him he's an asshole. He told him to come down there and try talking for four hours. Howard said he's bummed out because he wants to do a good show. He wished that he could punch the guy in the face and told him he was a dick. He said that's the Twitter asshole. He said he's heard from that guy before too. He said if he didn't care he'd just play some music. He said he cares about his audience and he does care.
Howard said he has some clips to play from the show. He heard about Kirk Douglas and how long he dragged on. Howard said Gary told him he didn't want to get off the stage and refused to leave. Howard said that he wouldn't even give the winner her moment on stage. Howard said that's so sad. He said that no one is embarrassed by their afflictions anymore. He said that in the old days you'd stay home. Robin said that Greta Garbo refused to go out anymore. Howard said that's the way to do it. Just stay home.
Howard played some of the Kirk Douglas audio since he hadn't heard it. Howard played James Franco's introduction and he sounded miserable. Howard said that Gary said he looked like he might be high too. Howard played more of the audio and Kirk was out there trying to talk with that stroke voice of his. He was struggling to get out his words. He said some words about James Franco and Anne Hathaway.
Howard asked Gary what his kids said about that. Gary said Lucas just walked by and said ''Man, this is sad.'' Howard played more of Kirk's comments and goofed on him doing his stroke victim voice. Howard said it's gross when he's hitting on Anne Hathaway. Robin said they're just embracing the cute old man there. Kirk goes on to ramble on about women that he likes. Howard had some trouble understanding what he said. He did more of his stroke voice and goofed on him for a minute.
Robin said he dragged out the whole thing and refused to give out the winner. Howard played that part of the clip and talked about his possible face lift. Kirk was going on and on about one of the nominees laughing in the audience. Howard said that the guy has nothing to do all day so he must be sitting around picking his ass.
Howard said he should just stay home. It's over. Howard said it's time to sit back and relax. He's just not going away. Howard said the winner ended up cursing and people got upset with that. Howard said it's no big deal. He said people were apparently very upset by that.
Howard played Kirk dragging out his announcement of the winner. Howard kept goofing on him and said that the stroke thing is nasty. He said his doctor told him to take a baby aspirin every day so he can try and avoid strokes. Howard said he goofs on this guy now but he can imagine coming to work sounding like that one day. Kirk goes on and on dragging out the announcement so he can get more time on stage. Kirk said he was nominated 3 times and lost each time. Kirk announced the winner and Robin said that she didn't even know that she had won.
Howard played a Jack and Rod Show bit where Sal and Richard used some Crackhead Bob audio to play Kirk Douglas. They had Crackhead Bob asking the woman dirty questions and comments. The husband and wife were clueless at first until they realized he was talking about his penis and wanting to put it in her pussy. After that clip Howard went to break.
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Howard came back and said that Charlie Sheen is the best radio guest ever. He said he heard him on this Alex Jones show and he had no idea what the show was. Howard said people were surprised that he didn't know who he was. Howard said he's never heard of the show. He said that's another reason he hates Twittering. He said he got a link to the Alex Jones show interview and he has his tongue up Sheen's ass so far. He said that he Tweeted about how he didn't know who he was and everyone was shocked he didn't know the guy. He said he really can't take that Twitter when it's like that. He said it gets him really annoyed. Robin said maybe he should just Tweet and not read. Howard said he's not going to do that.
Howard said that he learned that Alex Jones is a conspiracy theorist and he thinks that Glenn Beck ripped him off or something like that. Howard said that Charlie Sheen is going to be on Good Morning American today. He seems to be doing every show out there. He said the guy is obviously completely out of his fucking mind. He goes on these long coke head kind of tirades. Robin said that if they were doing the same thing they'd be condemned.
Howard said it's all about him. He said that everyone is fine with Charlie Sheen doing what he does but with him they hate him and they avoid him.
Howard said he had some advance copy of what Charlie says on Good Morning America. He played some of that audio and Charlie is sounding very Gary Busey-ish. Charlie was going on and on about how he's been treated and now he's going to embrace it and love it violently. Howard said that's what it's like when people are on drugs. They just get into these rages that are drug fueled and they make no sense. Howard said that it's all about him and nothing about anyone else. Howard said Sam Kinison used to do that.
Howard asked Robin if she heard any of this Alex Jones show audio. Robin said she didn't hear any of it. Howard asked if she had ever even heard of him. Robin said she had not.
Howard played some of the Alex Jones audio and talked about how the guy looks like he could be Charlie's dad. Howard said he must keep guys like that around him all the time so he can look better. In the clip Charlie was saying that he's clean and he was telling everyone to quit panicking. Charlie was talking about how he's over marriage what he has is a marriage of the heart. He was just rambling on and on making no sense. He was being very cryptic about some stuff.
Howard said they really have to get a hold of that guy. He said it's like the ramblings of a lunatic at this point though. He said it's kind of sad. He had a really promising movie career and then it just want away. Then he got that TV show and he had his career revived. Howard said he seemed to be holding it together for a while there. Now he's out of control. Howard said he thinks that he's mental from the drug use at this point. He wondered what you can do at this point. Robin said you can't do anything with an adult male who isn't doing damage to anyone else.
Howard said he was reading that he's going to sue CBS for $321 million. He wondered if he could win that case. Robin said she's not sure what his contract has in it. Robin said that he has admitted that he didn't do drugs on the set but he was such a mess he had to ask for them to move his marks so he wouldn't fall over.
Robin said that he's attacking the creator of his show. Howard said it's really sad. He said there are so many people who want to be successful in show business and they'd give anything to have it. He said Charlie is going to be really remorseful for giving this up the way he is. Robin said he's made a ton of money. Howard said he thinks that he's going to miss his career. Howard thinks that it's over now. Robin said that Robert Downey Jr. was able to come back. Howard said he's an incredible talent though.
Howard played more of the Alex Jones interview clips and Jones was telling Charlie what a great job he's done. Howard said he seems to be out of it too. Charlie was talking about AA and how ridiculous it is. He said it's the work of sissies. He said the only thing he's working on is winning. Charlie was talking about how their success rate is only 5 percent with AA. He said they have some stupid mottos and he will never be one of those people. Charlie said that he's cured himself and he doesn't have a disease.
Howard said the guy is on a weird trip. He said that Charlie says that he has a 100 percent success rate. Howard said that it was a weird interview.
Howard said he doesn't see himself crowing about anything else in the next 5 years unless they come up with something really cool. He said that he won't be doing another movie or anything like that. Howard said he figures his face is decaying so it's not going to get better. Howard said he took some shots with and without glasses. He's giving Rolling Stone that treat.
Howard said he did some shots behind the console and some in front of a white screen. He said the guy did some stuff where he said he looked beautiful. He said that he did start to feel pretty when he did it though. Howard had some audio of him doing that. Howard played the audio and the guy was telling him how great he looked. Howard said he didn't need to do that with him. He was sitting on a milk carton being photographed. He knows what he looks like too. He's looked in a mirror enough.
Howard said Platon kept calling him ''Top Man'' and that was making him nuts. He kept his mouth shut about that though. He wanted to tell him to just call him Howard. He said he wanted to tell him not to tell him he was beautiful too. Howard played more audio of Platon telling him how beautiful he looked. He said that it went on and on. He did that shoot for a couple of hours. Howard said he figured the longer he shot the better the chance he'd have at getting one good shot. Howard said Top Man must be a British term or something.
Howard played more of the audio of Platon telling him that he looked amazing and told him not to move and stuff. Howard said he was moving around and putting his head down. He said he has video of the shoot but he doesn't want to release it. Howard said he started thinking that this is like when they tell Gary the Retard he's smart.
In the clip Howard gave Platon a hug and Platon said he had to get out of there because he couldn't take it anymore. Howard said the guy was a character. He said that the pictures had better be good. He said that he was actually pretty quick. He said the cover of Rolling Stone means a lot to him so he hopes it's good. He said that's why he sat with the writer for 3 hours. Robin said they're writing it as a Q and A though. Howard said he didn't know that. He didn't hear him mention that. Howard said he thinks it'll be an interesting article and the pictures should be good.
Howard said that the guy was like 43 years old and he had to do the math to figure it out. Howard said he's not Einstein so he's not that good at figuring it out.
Lisa said that they have a story about Ass Napkin Ed who is trying to clean up. She said that Ed was supposed to go to rehab but he won't go because he doesn't want to miss the show. She said that she asked if Shuli can drive him to Florida.
Lisa said that Gary's local newspaper has printed a positive editorial about him. She said that the writer said they should just get on with it and get over this whole thing.
Lisa said that Pat Cooper has gotten noticed by Sirius Executives after he signed his name to the wall in the lobby. That's for rock stars. Pat signed it ''Stern you lie, Pat Cooper.'' Lisa said that Steve Leeds said that it's not for him to sign.
Howard asked why Pat was even up there. Gary said he was up there doing Jackie's show. Howard said Jackie is lucky he gave him that show. He said he should put some thought into that show. Howard said he has done nothing to Pat and the guy is insane. He said anyone who is nice to him he just fucks over. Howard said Jackie can have whoever he wants but come on. Howard said Pat should get some therapy before he dies. He said the guy is a moron. He was on his channels and he's bad mouthing him. Howard said that Pat shouldn't be on his channels if he thinks he's a liar. Howard said that he's telling him the truth when he says that his career blows.
Lisa said that Billy West has been hired to help find the find an actor to do the part of Larry Fine in the new Three Stooges movie. Howard wondered what's wrong with the Farrelly brothers that they need him to find someone to play a part. Howard said he doesn't believe that story. He asked Lisa where she heard that. She wasn't the one covering the story so she didn't know where it came from. Howard said it can't be close to accurate. He let Lisa go after that. Gary told Howard the story was in the L.A. Times. Howard said that just can't be right. It doesn't make sense to him. He said that Billy does an excellent Larry Fine.
Howard had Gary come in to talk about the Academy Awards. Gary said that he noticed that Anne Hathaway can sing so they had her sing last night. She did a really bad number. Gary said it was awful.
Howard played some of Anne singing during the Oscar's. Howard said that she's kind of odd and she was way too excited. Howard and Robin talked about that for a minute and then played more of her introducing her song and then singing. Howard didn't last long through that song. He said he'll forward right through it when he goes home to watch the show.
Howard said that was so not funny. He said he hates show business. Robin said it was all about self congratulating and talking about how great and funny they are. Howard said that the reviews of the show were really bad. He read through a bunch of those reviews. They were almost all bad. Gary said that Entertainment Weekly gave them a good review.
Gary said that Aaron Sorkin just ignored the music during his speech. Howard played some of that audio and talked about Sorkin for a minute. They talked about how he wrote The West Wing while he was high on crack. Gary said the guy is an amazing writer. Howard played more of his speech where he just keeps talking over the music as they're trying to play him off the stage. Howard got bored before getting to the music.
Howard said he was reading about how Oprah's TV channel isn't pulling in the viewers. Robin said she was on the Oscar's last night. Howard went on to read the article about her channel and how she probably isn't putting any effort into it like she does with her channel there. He said she took the satellite deal and ran with the money. Howard said she left his picture out of an ad in her magazine and he's one of the biggest draws there. Howard said that David Arquette is going to be in there in April and he has to talk to him about the interview he did with Oprah. He wants to find out if they cut out a lot of what he said about him.
Howard said he has a woman on the phone who wants to talk about why she's eating dog food to protest something. Howard said he has to get to her and to some Ronnie at Rick's audio clips. He said Ronnie was in rare form. He went to break after that.
Howard came back and had a woman named Nikki Moustaki on the phone. She's eating dog food to protest animal abuse. Howard had Fred the Elephant Boy in the studio playing a Korean man, Mr. Kunalau, who eats dogs. Nikki said she has never had dogs so she doesn't know what that's like. She said that she has been eating dog food since February 1st. Elephant Boy interrupted her and said that her farts smell worse than her vagina. Howard asked how much dog food she's eating a day. She said it's one meal a day and it's by Lucky Dog. She said it tastes really bland and it's kind of like bland Campbell's soup.
Nikki told Howard that the reason she's doing this is because people can do just about anything with their pets in Ohio and she's trying to get that changed. Elephant Boy interrupted her a couple of times and said that she was boring him and he wanted to eat a rack of ribs of dog and things like that.
Howard asked Nikki if anyone cares about what she's doing. She said that they do. She started to explain that to Howard but Elephant Boy kept cutting her off.
Howard asked if her breath smells like dog food. She said she's not sure. Howard said if you want to find out more about this campaign... Elephant Boy interrupted again. He asked if he has Michael Vick's address because he wants to take some of his animals. Howard asked Elephant Boy if he grew up in Korea. He said he did and they eat dog over there all the time. Robin asked if he eats dog there. Elephant Boy said he does. He only eats ugly dogs though.
Nikki said that he must be trying to eat Howard's dog. Howard had trouble understanding what she had to say. He gave her a plug for her web site NikkiMoustaki.com.
Howard said Nikki is really hot. He said he saw a picture of her. She said that she's in her 30s when Howard asked if she's married. She said that she's single right now. Howard wondered what's wrong with her. He said that it might be a turn off when you're going out with a girl and then she starts eating dog food. Howard said Beth loves pets but if she did that then he'd have to call it off. He said that he'd have to tell her that she's going too far.
Elephant Boy asked if she's ever tried Korean dick. She said she has not but she doesn't think it would be very filling. Howard asked her how people know she's actually eating the dog food. She said she does it on her web cam. Howard asked how she makes a living. She said she's a dog trainer and she writes about dogs too. Gary said he saw her acting like a dog in one video. She was in a bikini doing that and she has a great body.
Howard asked if her behavior turns guys off. She said she doesn't care really. Howard said he cares. He asked what goes wrong in her relationships. She said that's a whole other thing and she doesn't have a clue. Howard let Elephant Boy say one more thing. He said he cried his eyes out at ''Marley and Me'' because they didn't eat the dog when it died. Howard said he's not sure what he said. Robin had to explain it to Howard.
Howard gave Nikki another plug and asked what she wants them to do. She said that she wants to get people from all 50 states to help out and shame Ohio into doing this thing. She said she has 8 states and Canada on board so far.
Elephant Boy asked if she ever drinks from the toilet bowl. She said that is a nasty side effect of this. Howard said he supports her in this and he doesn't think anyone should be abusing dogs. Howard said he really had no idea what they were talking about. He said the Korean guy was making him mental. Elephant Boy asked if she ever shits worms. Nikki said she has not. She draws the line there.
Nikki asked if she could get them to eat dog food with her. Howard said no to her. He has no desire to do that. Elephant Boy asked if she licks her ass after taking a shit. Howard said she doesn't do that. Nikki was a good sport and just laughed at all of this stuff.
Howard asked Robin if she has any idea what they're talking about. Robin said that they don't know the law that she's talking about but there apparently isn't much of a law to punish people who abuse their pets in Ohio.
Elephant Boy asked if Nikki ever barks at guys who walk by her. Howard said he's sorry he invited him in there. Howard said he gets what Nikki is talking about but not what this Korean man is saying. He gave her another plug for her web site. He let her go a short time later.
Howard asked Elephant Boy how he's doing. He said he's doing fine and he's still dating Mary. He said she went to jail for a while. He said that she got caught up in some illegal prescription issues. He said she's no Charlie Sheen. She's cleaned up now. Elephant Boy said that she's got carpel tunnel and some other issues so that's why she got the prescriptions. She ended up sharing them with some friends and that's what got her into trouble... allegedly.
Howard asked Elephant Boy if he got to visit this Mary in jail. Elephant Boy said she wouldn't let him visit because she was too depressed about it. He said that he didn't get to go and fuck her or anything. She was away for 2 years and he was faithful to her. Howard asked if he did any guys. Elephant Boy said he did not. He said he doesn't do that anymore.
Howard asked Fred if they fucked the day she got out of jail. I honestly have no idea what he said about that.
Howard asked Fred about how old he is now. He's 52. He said he'll be retiring in about 7 years. He works for the government. He's going to wait until then to move to be with Mary. Howard asked how often he sees her. Fred said he hopes to see her sometime in the spring. Fred said that she gained a lot of weight in prison. She doesn't want him to see her like that. Howard asked if he's seen her since then. He said he has but he's not going to judge her on that.
Robin asked if they have phone sex. Elephant Boy said ''You got it.'' Howard imagined what that might be like and did his impression of Fred and Mary having phone sex. Howard asked if they could tape one of those calls. Fred said no because he'd be too self conscious.
Howard asked how much weight Mary gained. Fred said that she gained like 50 pounds. Howard got on his megaphone and tried having phone sex with Fred. Fred just laughed as Howard would ask him questions. Howard kept going and had him talking dirty to him. Fred laughed at all of his own answers. He called her a bitch at one point. He said she likes that. Howard said he had to lift her belly at one point. Fred sounded like he cringed at that reference. Howard said Fred sucks at phone sex.
Howard asked Fred about this TV thing he's asking for. He said she had her 42 inch TV stolen. Howard said he thought he got her like 3 TVs. Fred said he got her an xBox a few years ago.
Howard said he had $500 to give him if he can win this game he has for him. The game is called the Number 1 Game. He said Fred has to guess which of the three songs he plays was not a number 1 song. The first one was ''Wipe out'' by the Safari's. The second song was ''Do That To Me One More Time '' by Captain and Tennille. The third song was ''Owner of a Lonely Heart'' by Yes. Fred guessed that the song that was not number one was ''Do that To Me One More Time.'' Howard said it was actually Wipe Out. Fred lost.
Howard said that he'd give him one more shot. Howard played the next three songs which were Taylor Hicks ''Do I Make You Proud,'' Bob Seger ''Old Time Rock and Roll'' and Paula Abdul's ''Rush, Rush.'' Howard asked Fred what he thinks didn't make it to number 1. Elephant Boy said he's going to go with Taylor Hicks' song. He said maybe it was Paula Abdul though. Fred finally settled with Taylor Hicks. He was wrong. It was actually Bob Seger.
Howard told Fred that he's going to give him yet another chance. He gave him 3 more songs. the first one was ''American Woman'' by The Guess Who. The second song was ''Keep On Loving You'' by REO Speedwagon. The third song was ''Beyond the Sea'' by Bobby Darren. Elephant Boy guessed that the song that didn't go to number 1 was ''Keep On Loving You.'' Howard said it was actually Bobby Darren's song. Fred lost for the third straight time.
Howard said he'd give him one last shot. The first song was Creed's ''With Arms Wide Open.'' Fred said that it should be called ''With Ass Wide Open.'' that led to Howard asking him if he ever took it in the ass. He said he never did. Gary said that Fred did admit to having some ass play though.
Howard did some more phone sex with Fred and asked if he ever took a load on his face. Fred said he didn't. Howard asked where they dropped their loads. Fred just laughed. Howard got back to the songs and played ''The Beat Goes On'' by Sonny and Cher. The third song was ''I Don't Want To Miss A Thing'' by Aerosmith. Fred said that he's going to say it is ''With Arms Wide Open.'' Howard said Fred was wrong once again. He lost 4 times in a row. Howard said that it was actually ''The Beat Goes On'' that didn't go to number 1.
Howard said he had to give Fred one more chance. He played three more songs for him. The first one was ''R.O.C.K. in the USA'' by John Cougar Mellencamp. Next up was ''Mr. Tambourine Man'' by The Birds. The third song was ''Wedding Bell Blues'' by The Fifth Dimension. Fred said the song that didn't go to number 1 was ''R.O.C.K. In The USA.'' Howard said Fred was finally correct. That song only went to number 2 back in 1986.
Howard said Fred should be happy he just won $500 cash. Howard said that was from Steven Singer Jewelers. He said you can find out more at IHateStevenSinger.com.
Howard said he was glad he got to see Elephant Boy today. He said that he was just thinking about how he hadn't seen him in a long time. Howard said he was going to play out on a prank call with Elephant Boy but he wasn't able to find it.
Howard wrapped up and said it's amazing that there's a woman out there who wants to lose weight for Fred the Elephant Boy. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Charlie Sheen had just done an interview with Good Morning America. He had some clips of that. He's also doing some other interviews so he's on fire. Howard said they're doing a porn star pageant later this week and some of them claim they have been with Charlie. Howard said that will be interesting and it'll be like a Charlie Sheen beauty pageant.
Howard said he didn't hear these clips yet but they must be good. He wondered if there's any chance that they're not good.
Howard played the clip and Charlie was talking about why he seems to be coming off as erratic. He said that's just the way his brain works. The interviewer said that some are saying he night be bipolar. Charlie didn't even know what that meant. Charlie said he's not going to take medication to become like those people who are saying that.
Howard said that the guy might be bipolar because that's the way people like that act. He said that they want to believe that their reality is better than anyone else's. Howard said that he thinks that he's experiencing something that no one else could experience. Howard said the guy is so gone. He said it's wild.
Howard played more of his interview and Charlie seems to think that he can't die doing the drugs the way he does. He said he avoids things that have killed other people. Howard said he's not sure how the guy talks as fast as he does.
Charlie talked about how much he loved partying and he made everyone else look like droopy eyed armless children. The interviewer asked if he was proud of what he did. Charlie said of course he is. He said he has exposed people to things that they never would have experienced. The interviewer asked how they can believe that he can stay clean. Charlie said that he's not interested in that. He's just interested in what he believes.
Gary said he just sent Charlie a text message. Howard told Gary to tell him that he was sued by CBS and he came out of it like a warrior. He said that he should tell him as one warrior to another he wants him on the show. He said that the truth needs to come out and tell him that he thinks that he's a winner too. He should do whatever he has to do to get him on the show.
Robin said she doesn't think that Charlie liked them. They got him into some trouble with Ginger Lynn years ago. Howard said he forgot about that.
The caller said he had a great Fred story from the McCartney concert. He said he had Robin sign his poster and when he asked Fred to sign it he signed the other side instead of where everyone else signed it. Fred said he didn't remember seeing it. The guy said he still loves Fred though.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he can't believe that people complain about him coming to work when he's sick. Howard said that he's got to do the Jon Stewart show tonight and Jimmy Kimmel later this week. He said he's in a panic about the whole thing. He said he doesn't know what he's going to be talking about on Jon Stewart. He said he has never seen his show and he has no idea what the does. Howard said he's not going to be delightful because he's going to have trouble talking. He said he's sick and he has no voice. Robin said that he's delightful all the time. Howard said he should give Charlie Sheen answers.
The caller said that Jon Stewart is good and they know that Howard is good and they won't prepare anything for him. Howard said that he really doesn't want to go there tonight. He said that he might have to call in sick. Robin said that he'd have to have done that at the start of the weekend.
The caller asked if he could play a game. Howard hung up on him. He got back to the Jon Stewart thing and said that he doesn't know if he can take this week of appearances. He said that he's going to be wiped out by Thursday night when he does the Kimmel thing.
Another caller told Howard that he could cancel on Jon Stewart. They've had people cancel out on them before. Howard said he likes Jon and he wants to do his show. He just wishes he was healthier.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was listening to some Bubba stuff and he can't believe that he's not on and these other people like Oprah are on. Howard tried to answer the guy but he talked over him so Howard gave up and just went to break.
Howard said that Scott DePace's wife works for Jon so maybe she brought Jon's illness home to Scott and Scott got him sick. Howard said he thinks he got sick at Reos last week from shaking everyone's hands. He said that he wishes he lived in world where people just fist bumped.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Fred played a new theme song for Jon as he ran down his list of subjects for today's show.
They spent a little time talking about Howard's photo shoot during that rundown. That led to Howard asking the guys to put on one of the Sirius channels while he was doing that shoot and it was like he asked them to fly to the moon. He said it took Scott the Engineer 15 minutes to get him some music. Howard said he wanted some fucking music and they put on something but then they turned it off. Howard said it's like he asked for the impossible there. He said they left it on for 3 minutes and turned it off. Howard asked why Scott can't even get music in there. Scott said he put it on the way they usually put it on and then it just died. It had nothing to do with him. He said Shade 45 disappeared and that was it.
Howard went off on Scott for a few minutes and asked him what the hell was going on with the music. Scott really didn't know. Howard said if he had music he'd be that much more handsome. He said that the music helps. Howard let Scott go after playing him out with a song parody.
Howard played some more audio of the photographer talking to him during the shoot. Howard said he knows he's heinous looking but the guy was being very nice. Howard said he's gotten into photography lately and he's been trying to take pictures of the dog but she always runs over to him and starts licking him. Robin said her cats do the same thing to her. Howard said he wants to photograph Beth but she won't let him. He said that she says she's not looking good and won't let him do it. Howard said he wants to learn how to frame pictures and stuff and she won't let him do it.
Howard said all he's trying to do is take better quality pictures and it's not working. He said that some of the pictures that he's been taking look worse than his cell phone pictures.
Robin read that Kathy Griffin is dating Isaiah Mustafa. Howard said he thinks that's a publicity stunt. He said that she's going to be coming in soon and he'll have to talk to her about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard could probably call in his interview with Jon Stewart. Howard didn't get why the guy was so low on his phone. The guy said he was on a cordless. He picked up another one. The guy told Howard last week they had Donald Rumsfeld on the show and they could just plop Howard in on the show. Howard cut him off and said he had to go. Howard said Jon is doing a show love in front of an audience and he's the guest.
Robin read some news about Bernie Madoff and had some audio of him doing an interview with New York magazine.
Howard took a call from Bobo who told Howard he did a great job of turning the interview around on Neil Strauss last week. Bobo was also talking about Richard's wedding but Howard cut him off and hung up on him. He said he just wanted to get out of there.
Robin got back to the Bernie Madoff clips. She played a couple more and then Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about how Anne Hathaway looked to him. That led to them playing some clips from the Oscar's. They had some other singing clips that they went through. They played Celine Dion singing and Howard couldn't believe that she can't get rid of that accent of her's when she sings.
Robin read about Charlie Sheen suing CBS and how CBS could lose a lot of money if they don't produce more shows. Robin said that they must be ready to take a huge hit because Sheen has become such a huge liability. Robin said Charlie is attacking the creator of the show and the creator is saying he won't continue the show without Charlie. She said she's never seen anything like this. Robin said that Charlie is talking about writing a book and he wants a $10 million advance. She had some audio of him talking about wanting a raise to go back to the show. He wants $3 million per episode now. She had some audio of him saying that he's not going to beg for his job back, everyone else is going to have to do that. Howard went to break after that.
After the break, around 9:45am, Robin got back to her news and read a story about Muammar Gaddafi and how he's trying to keep control of his country. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about that. They were talking about how odd he's looking these days. Howard said the guy is under a lot of stress. Robin said that his sons think that things would get worse there if he was ousted. Robin had some audio of some people talking about what's going on there in Libya.
Robin read some stuff about last night's Academy Awards. Robin read about some of the winners and talked about those with Howard. Howard said he knew ''The King's Speech'' was going to be a big winner. He said it was a great movie. Robin had some audio clips to play from some of the winners. She had Melissa Leo's F-bomb drop but it was the edited version. Howard had the unedited version. He found that clip and played the clip. Robin read some other details about the Oscar's.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why he would do the interview with Jon Stewart sick. Howard said he agreed to do it so he's going to do it. The caller said that Jon isn't funny anyway. Howard said Jon never does his show anymore either. Gary said they asked Jon to do the show and they told him he was busy. Howard said that would be rude if he canceled on Jon. Howard said he's thrilled when guests cancel on him. He said that he has to go home after the news and try to sleep it off. The show must go on.
Gary said JD has a theory that the reason Jon doesn't do the show is because Sal insulted him. He went into the green room and said something rude to Jon. Howard said that Sal told him he didn't do a good job on the Oscar's. Howard said he did it for no reason. Howard said if he went on Jon's show and did that to him he wouldn't do it either. He said Sal is probably the reason. Howard said he works in a loony bin. Howard said Sal is really insane. He said they don't let him near any guests now.
Robin read through some more stories real quick. Robin had some news about some possible brainwashing that was going on in the military. She had a story about George W. Bush canceling an appearance over the weekend.
Robin read about hearing loss and how it's lower among African American's than other people. Howard said African Americans have it so good. Robin said she tuned into PBS the other day and they had a show on about the ancestry of famous black people and they were tracing back to the slave roots and it was the saddest and most harrowing show that she's ever seen. She told Howard about how awful the stories were and how everyone was crying on the show hearing these stories. Howard did a live commercial after that. Robin read more about the slave thing and told Howard how awful it was. Howard said that she has to stick to the positive and remember that her hearing is still good.
Robin read about how there are increased cases of hacking into web sites so Senator Chuck Schumer is warning people about this. Robin had some audio of Schumer talking about how they should be putting in more secure web addresses for people.
Robin read through some more stories and read about how Mariah Carrey performed for Muammar Gaddafi's family. Robin read about some other people who performed for him as well.
Robin read about a guy who raped a 2 year old when the mother left the child alone. Howard said he can't even wrap his head around that. That led to Howard talking about how his mom left him alone in his stroller too. He did an impression of her talking about that. He said he could have gotten fucked in the ass by an out of work cook too.
Robin had some audio of Natalie Portman talking about her role in Black Swan. Robin had her talking about the character she played and things like that. Robin also had some audio from the Oscar's with people like Christian Bale, Melissa Leo, Trent Reznor, Aaron Sorkin and a few others. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:20am.
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Scott came in and told the guys what he did. He said he turned on what Howard wanted. He said Howard had him switching channels and then he left. He said about 10 minutes later Ralph came out and told him there was no more music. Scott said that he has no idea why it stopped playing.
Jim McClure told the guys that at 10am they switch off the computers and that might be why it shut off. Scott said that's not what happened. He said he used something else and it shouldn't have done that. Scott said that it's possible that it wasn't in the right mode. He said that it was working this morning though.
Jon asked Scott how he reacts when Howard goes off on him like that. Scott said that's just the way it happens. He said that the radio they have in the studio only plays through headphones so it's tough to figure it out.
Jon asked Scott about the photo shoot and what was going on in there. Scott said he saw Howard laying on the floor at one point. He said he saw him with his hands like he was praying at one point too.
Gary said he thinks that Howard will have final approval with the pictures. Jon asked what this means to Howard. Gary said he thinks it means a lot. Benjy said he doesn't think that Howard enjoys the process. He said once he's there he might find some enjoyment but he doesn't think he likes doing it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary stutters at the start of every sentence. He said he has to turn off his radio twice a day. Gary said he's sorry but that's the way he talks. He didn't do it when he talked to that caller though.
Another caller said this isn't the first time that Scott hasn't been able to get another channel there in the studio. He said he should get a smartphone and a boombox in the studio and play that. Scott said this wasn't on the air. The caller said it doesn't matter. It's his job to get it to work. Benjy asked the caller if he's really angry about it. The guy said he wasn't but it is frustrating.
Another caller asked Scott if he was in the front row of some bowling tournament on ESPN. Scott said he was in the front row on ESPN. He was asked to come down and watch the tournament. Gary had him give a quick rundown of what went on there. Scott went through some of the stuff that happened and how great it was. He said it really was a great ending. He said he wanted to get out there and bowl too. He said that a lot of people recognized him there so that was cool too. They went to break a short time later.
Gary said that he went into Sal and Richard's office and it was really funny in there. He said Richard was all excited like a little kid. Richard was in and said that he takes direction very well unlike someone like Evil Dave. He said that Dave likes to do his own jokes but Fred is really easy to work with and he listens to what he says.
Sal came in and pushed Fred out of the way of the mic. Sal then said that he's having some issues in the bathroom. He said that he hurt himself as he was going. He said it was like someone was hitting him in the ass with a cattle prod. Richard said he was hacking up stuff when he came into work this morning. He said he's quitting the fake cigarettes but then 10 minutes later he saw him smoking it again. Sal said that he went back to the real cigarettes for a week. He said he's got issues. He said he was having some vertigo issues so he went to a doctor and he told him to go to another doctor. He said that guy told him to go see a neurologist and he told him he was fine. He asked if it was the chemicals in the fake cigarettes. He said that guy told him not to smoke anything with the word ''cigarette'' in it. Sal said that he's suffering from something called ''Depersonalization Derealization.'' He said he self diagnosed himself. Sal said that it's an anxiety disorder.
Gary said that Sal went to a doctor who told him he's fine. Sal said that he almost fainted on the subway and he saw his body as if he were above it and he had no control over it. He said it was like his head was detached from his body. He said the doctor told him it was anxiety. Gary asked if the doctor told him he has that. Sal said he didn't but Sal thinks that the only cure is to embrace it and laugh about it. Gary said he doesn't have it though. Sal said that to get over this problem he's having he has to do something. Gary said Sal is trying to make himself have it even though a doctor told him he doesn't have it. Sal said the guy told him he has to embrace it and take it easy.
Sal said he's taking Xanax now and he thinks that it's helping to balance him out. Jon asked Sal why he quit smoking and then went back to the fake ones. Sal said he thought he had a brain tumor from the smoking. He said he had anxiety from that and he started smoking real ones because he was afraid he had a brain tumor from the fake ones. Richard asked about his Propecia and if that's what's causing it. Sal said he had these incidents before the Propecia.
Gary said that he knows that Howard would say that no one in Africa has this disease. Sal said he doesn't want to give up some of the things that they tell him he should. He said he doesn't mind the shaking here and there. He said that he was smoking real cigarettes all week so that's why he was hacking up so much. He said he's not sure what to do. Gary said he should stop all cigarettes. Sal said he's going to do that eventually. They had to take another break after that.
Jon asked Fred about the game he played and what happened there. Fred said that he's not that good with music but he does love it. Jon asked how it was working with Richard and Sal. Fred said he'd like to apologize for what everyone will be listening to over the next couple of days. They worked on some games and some new phone call stuff with him while he was there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Robin's hostility toward Howard shows when she keeps her news going all morning long. He said that Howard wanted to get out and she kept going. He said that Howard wanted out of there and Robin just kept her news going. He said her 34 is never more apparent than when she's doing her news. Benjy asked if he thinks that Howard can't end the show himself. The caller said he thinks that he treats her differently than everyone else.
Jon said that they talked about Charlie Sheen a lot today too. Jon asked Gary if he heard back at all. Gary said he thinks that things are moving ahead nicely and that's all he's going to say right now.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that he knows what Sal has and told him what it is. Sal said it could be that too. He said that the guy mentioned carbohydrates and he also suffers from this Candida virus thing and that can be caused by carbohydrates. Gary asked how many people have this Candida virus. Sal said he's not sure. Sal said he goes to Symptoms.com and looks them up. Jon asked how long this has been going on for. Sal said it's like 6-7 months. He said that the dizziness has been happening since last May. Jon told him to go see a real doctor. Sal said he has. He said things are good now that he's on Xanax. He said he's just taking it day by day at this point. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about Charlie Sheen. He said he's all about ''winning'' and ''warrior'' and ''tiger DNA'' and all of that. Howard said the guy needs someone to put a net over him. He said maybe his dad has no control over him anymore but someone needs to do something. Robin said that it's not clear what to do and you can't because the guy is an adult.
Howard said there was a rumor going around that said John Stamos was going to replace him on Two and a Half Men. He said that Charlie said something about John on Piers Morgan's show and he remembered hearing Stamos throwing him under the bus on Howard Stern. Howard said he asked John about that and he doesn't remember saying anything.
Howard had some audio of Charlie saying ''Winning'' and it sounds kind of Danny Bonaduce like. Robin said they've been drug testing him and she's not sure who is doing the testing or where they're getting the samples.
Howard said there was an interview Charlie did in his back yard and he has a hot chick there. He looks over at the girl and just says ''Winning!'' Howard said Gary tried to get him to call in and he mentioned that on the Daily Show last night. He was only on the show for like 5 minutes. He said he was sick all day and then had to go do that show. He said he got there at 5:30 and they don't tape until 6:15. He said they only do a 30 minute show. Howard said that he appeared in the 3rd segment and it was only like 5 minutes long. He said he was grateful that it was so short. Howard said he was clearing his throat and trying to prepare. Then he went out and it was over in no time.
Howard said he saw Mariann from Brooklyn and High Pitch Eric in the audience there. He said that they must not have much of a life going on.
Howard had to excuse himself and turn off his mic for a second. He had to clear his throat. He did that but it came through the Artie mic. He said he turns that on every morning just in case Artie does show up.
Howard said that it was nice seeing Jon Stewart. He said the green room over there isn't all that nice. He said that they must have bed bugs there. He said he was sitting on the couch waiting for an hour and a half to get on. He said the couch looked like it would have bed bugs. Howard said the thing was stained and dirty.
Howard said he isn't feeling very good today. He said he went to bed at 8:30 and woke up at Midnight. He said he was up for an hour and a half and fell asleep at 1:30. Then he had to get up at 4. He said he thinks that if he could sleep he could get rid of this illness. Beth was sick the week before so she was talking to him about how she knows how he feels. He said he has to go and talk for 4 hours so she doesn't know.
Howard said Charlie Sheen looked like an old man on the interview he saw. He said he looked like a real Crackhead on that interview. Howard said he feels bad for him because he's lost his mind. He said he must not know what's going on around him.
Howard had some audio of Charlie talking to someone on RadarOnline.com. Howard played that and went through everything Charlie was saying. Charlie was talking about how wild his life is and how great things are for him. He used the word ''radical'' a lot. Howard said everything was ''radical'' to him. Charlie mentioned Bree Olson and Charlie said she's retired. Howard said he reminded him of Sam Kinison in a way. Howard said that he's calling her Rachel and saying that she's retired. Charlie then tells the guy ''Winning!'' Howard asked if he's really winning. Robin said of course he's not.
Howard played more audio of Charlie talking to the reporter about not having any scripts for Two and a Half Men. He said that the creator of the show is busy with two other shows that suck. Charlie said that they're the reason that the guy is even there.
Howard said he agrees with Charlie about how he did show up for work in the same condition he's been showing up in. Robin said he can't say that. She said that he's deteriorating. Robin said that he shows up and they have to figure out how to use him. Robin said that's not showing up in the same condition.
Howard said they've allowed this to go on for years and they've supported him in this lifestyle. Howard said they should go on with production. Robin said he's not capable of analyzing any situation.
Howard said he may have to watch the show now just to see how he worked. Howard said he has the Stamos stuff coming up now. He played that audio where Charlie mentioned Stamos and Howard Stern. Charlie said that if they do hire him then they deserve everything that they get. Charlie said that he doesn't forget anything.
Gary came in and said that Stamos did say something about Charlie on the show in May of 2006. Stamos talked about how Denise Richards said that Charlie used the N-word when she was with him. Here's what I wrote back then:
From 5/17/2006: John said that Denise wanted to give him tapes of Charlie Sheen calling her the N-word and things like that. John said he didn't want to get involved in that stuff so he didn't pass them along. Howard asked him about going back to Denise after she left Charlie. He figured that John wouldn't stay with her for long because she does have kids. John said that he's friends with all of those people and he had to get out of that whole scene.
Howard said that he has a million of these Charlie clips. He said he's not sure he wants to listen to all of them. Robin said he's the biggest news right now.
Howard played some more of the RadarOnline clip where Charlie says his ''Winning!'' line again. They talk to Charlie about his fans worrying about him and Charlie said that he's got a plan and he always executes it. Howard said he gets tired just listening to him. Robin said it is exhausting to be around someone like that.
Howard said the guy must be so exhausted. He said he's got to be up all night and figuring out how to sue CBS and all of that. He's the guy who is at the party too long. Charlie goes on to do his ''Winning'' thing again while talking about suing CBS and Warner Brothers. He said he's going to make them rename it ''Charlie Brothers.''
Charlie told the reporter that he could be doing other things if this TV show thing goes away. He said that CBS owes him a big apology and they're going to have to lick his feet while doing it.
Howard said they put up with all of this shit for years. He said he's really exhausted from listening to this. He said he does like some of his sayings though. Howard wondered if he could ever be that crazy. He said he looks normal now compared to guys like this. Howard said people thought he was crazy when he started on radio but now he looks normal.
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Howard said the other day Robin was doing an impression of Little Lupe so Sal and Richard took that audio and made a call to a toupee store. He said it's ridiculous but he found himself laughing. He played the call where they called and asked if they make toupees for women. Then they put Robin on with them and have her talking in that Little Lupe voice. The woman on the line has no idea what's going on. They had Robin setting up an appointment and saying she's coming and asking the woman if she's jerking off for her. Then they had Robin moaning as Little Lupe. The woman kept asking for her phone number but Robin would just moan. She was telling the woman to lick her pussy and the woman finally gave up.
Howard said she hung in there way too long. Howard said Robin had a sexy voice in that. He said it got him thinking about her.
Howard said he liked the call Sal and Richard made to Swap Shop using the computer voice. He said this was a good job. He played that call next. In that one Sal said he had a computer program that gives you the proper pronunciation of a word. He demonstrated it for the host and then he puts in ''Nickel'' and it says the N-word. Then he tried ''bike'' and it said ''Kike.'' Then they had it saying ''Poop on my chest'' and things like that. Then Richard calls back and apologizes and demonstrates the program again himself. The host says that they have to start using their delay again.
Howard asked if they're on regular radio or just on the internet. He said that they should have been using a delay to begin with. He said that the guy was called the Wild Man and he can't imagine why. Howard said that must be some job there. He can't imagine what kind of money he's making doing that.
Howard said he likes doing the digital thing so he can see his pictures right after he takes them. He said that you have to experiment a lot. He said that he doesn't even like taking pictures. He said that he thinks that he's going to start now but he's not sure. He said he will take a picture and then tweet it out there. He said he'll have to carry that camera around with him all the time. He said he'll be like a paparazzi.
Howard said he hired a guy to teach him photography. He said he asked the guy how to carry it all around with him. He said this guy has a belt with big cases and stuff attached to it. Howard said he can't walk around like that. Howard said no one is looking at that guy so he can walk around like that. Howard said people are going to look at him all the time.
Howard said that he was walking around the house taking pictures of Beth and he was going to use it Sunday night. He said Beth was going out to do some work. He said that he never takes any pictures so he's not sure what to do. He said he hates taking pictures. Robin said he's never been someone excited about a camera. Howard said he was going to take some pictures back stage at Jon's show. He said he was so sick that he could barely think. He said he wasn't sure he'd be able to put his attention on the show. He said he left the camera at home.
Howard said that he didn't even know what DSLR meant. He said he found out what it means but Fred still had to explain it to him. Howard said he still doesn't understand it. He said he's going to start carrying it around with him though. Howard said Doug Goodstein is really into photography. He said that he took pictures down at Ground Zero and they mean nothing now. Howard said he figured he could start shooting the girls that come in and get naked but then he'd have to take time to take them. Howard said he was thinking about taking pictures of Sal and Richard naked and blowing each other and putting that out as a book. He said it's very easy to do that online now. He said he could make them available. He said he could call it ''Bunghole Buddies.'' He said they can finally act out everything they want to do.
Howard said this is what he's going to do. He said he's going to shoot them sucking each other's asses and things. Sal came in and asked ''Why us?'' Howard said that they're gay so that's why. Richard said he'd love to be part of his book. Richard said he's up for it. He said he can pour chocolate on Sal and things like that. Sal said he could put sparklers in his ass. Howard said he's sure that the fans would enjoy it.
Howard said maybe Sal and Richard can rehearse even though he doesn't have a camera. Sal said they did that already this morning. Howard said they can have all kinds of artistic photos. He said that Sal can play Yoko and Richard can be John Lennon in their nude. Howard said they can do things like that.
Howard told Robin she has to hear the clips from the Wrap Up Show. Howard was about to play them but got back to the Sal and Richard nudes he wants to shoot. He asked Richard to please shave for the shoot. Richard said maybe Sal can stay really hairy. Sal said maybe the best thing would be to kill them for the end of the book. Howard said he can do that.
Howard said he thinks that Sal is insane. He played some clips where Sal talked about why he was smoking again and things like that. Here's my write up from yesterday's Wrap Up:
Sal came in and pushed Fred out of the way of the mic. Sal then said that he's having some issues in the bathroom. He said that he hurt himself as he was going. He said it was like someone was hitting him in the ass with a cattle prod. Richard said he was hacking up stuff when he came into work this morning. He said he's quitting the fake cigarettes but then 10 minutes later he saw him smoking it again. Sal said that he went back to the real cigarettes for a week. He said he's got issues. He said he was having some vertigo issues so he went to a doctor and he told him to go to another doctor. He said that guy told him to go see a neurologist and he told him he was fine. He asked if it was the chemicals in the fake cigarettes. He said that guy told him not to smoke anything with the word ''cigarette'' in it. Sal said that he's suffering from something called ''Depersonalization Derealization.'' He said he self diagnosed himself. Sal said that it's an anxiety disorder.
Gary said that Sal went to a doctor who told him he's fine. Sal said that he almost fainted on the subway and he saw his body as if he were above it and he had no control over it. He said it was like his head was detached from his body. He said the doctor told him it was anxiety. Gary asked if the doctor told him he has that. Sal said he didn't but Sal thinks that the only cure is to embrace it and laugh about it. Gary said he doesn't have it though. Sal said that to get over this problem he's having he has to do something. Gary said Sal is trying to make himself have it even though a doctor told him he doesn't have it. Sal said the guy told him he has to embrace it and take it easy.
Sal said he's taking Xanax now and he thinks that it's helping to balance him out. Jon asked Sal why he quit smoking and then went back to the fake ones. Sal said he thought he had a brain tumor from the smoking. He said he had anxiety from that and he started smoking real ones because he was afraid he had a brain tumor from the fake ones. Richard asked about his Propecia and if that's what's causing it. Sal said he had these incidents before the Propecia.
Gary said that he knows that Howard would say that no one in Africa has this disease. Sal said he doesn't want to give up some of the things that they tell him he should. He said he doesn't mind the shaking here and there. He said that he was smoking real cigarettes all week so that's why he was hacking up so much. He said he's not sure what to do. Gary said he should stop all cigarettes. Sal said he's going to do that eventually. They had to take another break after that.
Howard goofed on Sal as he was playing the clip. He said that Sal is really out of his mind. He said that he's taking those pills for his hair and maybe that's what's causing it. Sal said he had those problems before those pills though. Howard played more of the Wrap Up clip and pointed out that Sal just keeps talking about this even though Gary is pointing out how wrong he is. Sal just says ''Right'' and keeps going. Howard found that funny and pointed out each time Sal said ''Right...''
Howard said that Sal is just anxious. He said that he has no brain tumor. Howard told Sal to get off the electronic cigarettes. He said the stuff he puts in those has a skull and crossbones on it. Sal said he knows that. He said it took him a while to catch on to that. Richard said he gets that stuff from Central America. Howard said Sal will put anything into his body and he doesn't seem to care. Richard said that the medication is from India. Howard said Sal is not ''Winning'' like Charlie Sheen. He's losing. Sal said he's been losing since he came out of his mother's uterus.
Howard played the part of the Wrap Up Show where Sal talks about his other problems with Candida virus. Here's what I wrote yesterday:
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that he knows what Sal has and told him what it is. Sal said it could be that too. He said that the guy mentioned carbohydrates and he also suffers from this Candida virus thing and that can be caused by carbohydrates. Gary asked how many people have this Candida virus. Sal said he's not sure. Sal said he goes to Symptoms.com and looks them up. Jon asked how long this has been going on for. Sal said it's like 6-7 months. He said that the dizziness has been happening since last May. Jon told him to go see a real doctor. Sal said he has. He said things are good now that he's on Xanax. He said he's just taking it day by day at this point.
Sal ended up telling Howard more about his problems and said that his penis gets red and hot really fast so he wraps it in toilet paper. He showed Howard that too. Sal said that he learned about that on the web. He said it wasn't directly on the web. He read that on some forum. Howard said that the toilet paper is going to create a wet environment. Sal said that he has developed a hypochondria from all of this. The guys talked to Sal about how nuts he is. Howard said that he loves a guy who doesn't know who fought in the Civil War who self diagnoses himself. Sal said that he went to a doctor in the city and the guy ran him through the mill. He said the guy must have seen him coming and ran all of these tests on him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has the same symptoms as Sal does. He said he has all of them and it turned out to be Lyme Disease. Howard asked Sal if they checked him for that. Sal said he wasn't checked for that. Sal said this guy Facebooked him. He said he'd love to have someone give him the test. Sal said he's out of Co-pays so he can't afford it. He said that it's like $40-60 each time. He said he'll do it though. Richard said he could skip the e-cigarettes for a while. Howard told him to skip the strip clubs for a while too.
Another caller said that Sal is really nuts. Sal said he doesn't see why. Howard said the other thing he found funny on the Wrap Up Show was Elephant Boy. He said he walked in the hall and saw Ronnie yelling at him to stay in the green room. Howard said he walked out in the hall and Elephant Boy was in the hall. He said Ronnie was yelling at him and he kept running out. Richard said he kept going through the glom box. Howard said he was listening to him on the Wrap Up Show and he says a sentence and he didn't get what he was saying.
Howard played the clip and Fred the Elephant Boy says he likes Howard but he's not his girlfriend and him talking sex with him is ''off my kilter'' or something like that. Robin said he was trying to say ''off kilter'' but got it all wrong. The guys talked about how nice Fred is but he stinks. Sal said he smells like the bottom of a garbage can. Gary said he's not good at shaving either and he has weird patches of hair on his face. Howard said he misses some spots once in a while but he goes back and shaves some more. Sal said Fred is missing whole patches. Howard said his moustache looks like a Hitler moustache. Richard said that Evil Dave has patches of hair like Fred does.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that maybe Sal has pussyitis for lack of pussy at home. Howard said he feels that Sal has a miserable life and he's starting to focus on the wrong thing. Howard said Sal needs attention no matter what even if it's negative.
Robin found it funny how into the nude photographs Richard was. Sal was kind of reticent but Richard was ready to go. Howard said he's going to make them famous. they can have sword fights with their cocks and stuff. Howard said he has to get High Pitch Mike in there after the break. He said that he's out of the closet now and he's been going to underwear parties and things like that. Sal was laughing his ass off talking about that. Howard said Mike is into this underwear party thing so he has to get him in there. Howard said he's happy for Mike coming out of the closet but he's gone really wild with this stuff.
Howard said he had to take a break before Mike came in. He said he has a lot of stuff to get to. Howard said he as to get to the Ronnie tapes too. He let a caller know that he was going to get to that.
Howard said he's going to do a whole underwear party with Sal and Richard. Howard said he'll study how to do the black and white thing over the weekend. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and sang along with the song a little bit. He went on to talk about how insane Kelsey Grammer seems to be. He said that there's no reason for him to have gotten divorced and married so quickly. He said the guy is out of control. He said there's video of Kelsey singing ''What Kind of Fool Am I'' at his wedding. Howard said Robin has to hear this. He said it's really passionate. Howard said it was a private wedding but someone must have taped it for a wedding video or something. He said they should have patted down everyone before they left.
Howard played the audio and Kelsey is singing the song to his new wife. Howard found it kind of amusing. He said the wife is only 26 and she probably doesn't know the song. He said that he might even wear women's clothing and she has to be creeped out by the song. Howard said he looks way older than 52 too. Howard said the guy is looking really beat up. He said the happiness is going to fade in about three weeks anyway. Howard said the guy was making a total asshole of himself. Howard said the wife must think he's insane. He was corrected about his age. He's actually 56.
Howard said he thought he looked pretty good on Jon Stewart last night but he's seen pictures of himself where he looks like he's 100.
Howard said he had Howard 100 News at Jon Stewart's show last night. He said he was busy snotting and blowing his nose back stage and they were capturing all of that. Howard said Steve was there holding his microphone and he felt like he had to say something. Steve was just holding his microphone out and capturing all of this stuff he's saying. He said he was doing some business there and he had to tell Steve not to use that stuff. He said he's trying to save his voice for work and for Jon Stewart. He said he felt like he had to say something to him though. Steve said he didn't engage him. Howard said he started playing to the camera. Steve said they'll be able to turn it into a story somehow. He said he has to go through the tape and find something. Robin said it's like panning for gold.
Howard said he likes Steve a lot. He said that he just looks at him and likes him. He said he came through normal on the psych test too. Howard said that when he gets in his car now he has a camera following him and it's like getting in and out of a clown car. He said that he's trying to give the Howard TV guys some behind the scenes stuff because that's what the fans want.
Steve got to his news preview and told Howard about Gary's problems with the parks and recreation committee. They traced back the email that was sent about Gary that came back to a town computer that could have come from a town employee. Steve said there is some dirty stuff going on up there. Steve said they used a P.I. to check into it and that's what he found. Steve said it's unreal what's going on up there. Robin said Gary can't do anything in that position he's up for.
Steve said that they'll have a full report on Howard's appearance on Jon Stewart's ''The Daily Show.'' He also said they'll have an update on Piers Morgan and what he's saying after being on the air for a few weeks. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and sang along with the Lennon song a little bit. He said that Gary is trying to get Charlie Sheen on the show but he thinks that he's giving them the blow off. Howard said that they've probably said shitty stuff about him and he knows about it. Howard said the one thing he's afraid of is them. Howard said that's kind of funny. Robin said being with them would not be ''Winning!''
Gary told Howard that he has a friend who texts Charlie and Charlie is afraid that they'll want too many details. Another one says that Charlie listens to the show and he likes Baba Booey. Howard said that he should tell him that he has been sued by CBS and he'll give him some advice about that. He did walk away with his tapes when he got sued by them.
Robin said she never bought one Beatles album. She said she knows all of the songs but never bought an album. Howard said he waited a long time but then he bought Sgt. Peppers and then Magical Mystery Tour and the White album.
Howard said he wanted to catch up with High Pitch Mike so he had him come in. Sal and Richard sat in too. Howard asked Mike if he's happy that he's out of the closet. Mike said yes and no. He said that he's not dating very much. He said he's sexually happy but he's not finding that person to be in a relationship with. Richard and Sal came in dressed in their underwear. They were trying to make Mike feel at home.
Howard asked about the underwear parties and what's up with that. Mike said after he came out he got some new friends and invitations to parties and stuff. He said that he went to Fire Island and one of the clubs was having an underwear party so he went to that. He said he figured he'd just do it. Mike said you check in your clothes just like checking in your coat.
Howard asked if the club was packed with guys. Mike said it was. He said that they have guys in boxers, thongs and all of that. Howard said he must have made sure he had clean underwear on. Mike said of course you do that. Mike said that some of the guys got really frisky. He said he was very drunk that night too. He said that he hardly remembers the party. Mike said that he kissed a friend of a friend and he turned out to be really cute. He said that he could barely remember who it was though.
Howard asked if anyone starts jerking other guys off at the party. Mike said they don't do that. Richard asked if they let their cock hang out like this... and had his cock hanging out. Howard told him to put his cock away.
Howard said he pictures guys pulling down their underpants and showing their cocks and jerking each other off. Howard TV had some shots of Mike that they put on the monitors. Howard asked Mike if he has figured out what he is in the gay community. He said he pictures him as a Twink. Mike said he's not one but thanked him for thinking he was. Mike said he's too old to be a Twink. He said he's 33 himself. He prefers younger guys. He said he's never been with an older guy.
Howard said he read that Mike found a gay app for his phone. Mike said this is the greatest invention ever. He said that he has an iPhone and he can log on and it shows you where the 50 nearest gay guys are who are also logged on. He said if you're near a club it'll say they're just 37 feet away or something like that. Mike said that it can also be dangerous because you could have someone tracking you down who wants to beat you up. Howard asked what happens if guys see him and don't like the way he looks. Mike said that it has worked sometimes but there are times when the guys tell him he's not their type. He's fine with that because it has worked for him.
Sal and Richard were goofing around with Mike. Howard said that they're ready to play. Howard said they're sexually harassing him. Mike was laughing.
Howard said Mike is into Janet Jackson and he wondered why that's a big deal. Mike said that she's moved up since Michael died. He's also into Lady Gaga and a couple of other performers like that. Mike said there's another performer that he's into and he saw him on Oprah. His name is Evan Ross.
Howard asked Mike if he's gotten laid from this iPhone app. Mike said he has. He told Howard how it works and how it starts out as texting. The app is called Grinder. Mike said he got it like 6 months ago. Howard asked him how it worked. Mike said it took a while to work. He had a few fails before it worked. Mike said that he'd probably get laid more if he wasn't so into young guys.
Mike talked about the one young guy he was with who had just graduated high school. Mike told Howard about another guy who was in his 20s and they were blowing and jerking each other off. He doesn't get into ass play. Howard said that sounds kind of boring. He asked if he swallows. Mike said he does not. He said that he has had guys swallow him before and that kind of freaks him out. He said you have to be careful these days.
Mike wanted to be part of the photo shoot with Richard and Sal. Howard said he can do that. He asked Mike more about this guy he was with. Mike said he was with this guy and his mother came home to the apartment. It turned out they were trying to figure out what was wrong with the A/C. He said the guy's parents didn't know he was gay and he had to hide under the covers while he was talking to them. He said he was so scared. Mike said they fixed the A/C and left. Howard asked if he banged that guy again. Mike said he was with him like twice.
Howard asked Mike if he's been with all races. Mike said he hasn't been with Asian. He said he prefers Puerto Rican guys. Howard asked if he's good at blow jobs right out of the box. Mike said he thinks he was. Richard asked him if he practices on bananas. Mike said he doesn't. Howard said Richard is creepy. Mike said that Richard is normal outside of work and he's only creepy in there.
Howard asked Mike if he asks guys out on dates. Mike said he doesn't do that so much. He said he uses that app to find someone real quick. Howard said that Mike is kind of sad and happier too. Robin said she knows a guy who uses that Grinder app and he just finds guys to cuddle with sometimes. Mike said he's not into doing that. He said he's looking to get laid.
Mike told Howard about how his voice is really high but his roommate's was even higher. Howard said maybe it's tied in with being gay. Mike said that would make sense. Sal said maybe it's from squealing so much like a pig while getting fucked in the ass. Mike laughed at that.
Howard said that Mike is kind of upset with him about what he said about Richard's wedding. Howard said that he took heat from Mike and from the audience. Mike said he was mad at him last week but last night he saw him on The Daily Show and he had feelings for him. He said that's the first time he's ever felt that. Howard said he likes when a gay man says he's attractive. Sal made fun of Mike's lazy eye and Richard pointed out that this is coming from a guy whose belly and tits are hanging out.
Howard asked Mike if he's disappointed when a guy doesn't have a big dick. He said it all depends on who it is. He said if Taylor Laughtner had a small dick he'd be okay with it.
Howard asked Mike if he'd still be into him if he wasn't famous. Mike said that power and fame help but he'd still be into him. Howard asked how many guys he's been with since he came out of the closet. Mike said it's maybe 10 guys. Howard said he thinks he's learned enough about all of this. Howard asked a few more questions and found out that he doesn't do the anal thing because he doesn't want to exchange body fluids.
The guys reminded Howard about Mike cumming on some guy's dashboard when he was getting jerked off in his car. Mike said the guy pulled his pants down just as he was about to finish and he came on his dash. He said he had to apologize to the guy for that.
Mike told another story about a guy he met on that Grinder app. He told Howard that this guy was the hottest one he's met. He said that he was only 19 and the guy told him to come over one day. He said they did just about everything that day. He said that they did it twice that day. Richard asked if they do a 69 kind of thing. Mike said he has. Howard laughed at that. Howard asked if anyone has ever recognized him from the show. Mike said they haven't and he's never told them where he works.
Mike told Howard that he left that guy at like 6 in the morning and he was completely out of it the next day. He said he was just about falling asleep at work like Artie used to do. Howard said that he's missing true love and that's what he's trying to find. Howard said he has to find someone on his own and they can't do a gay dating game or anything. Howard told Doug to put that together for Howard TV. Sal said ''When you're done throwing up, put that together.''
Gary told Howard that Sal crossed his leg and his whole ball is hanging out. Sal didn't even realize it. He said it looked like a tumor. Howard asked if that turned Mike on. Mike said he wasn't turned on. Richard took his cock and balls out again. Howard thanked everyone for coming in and Mike asked to see Sal and Richard kiss. Sal said no way. Richard didn't seem so against it. Richard kissed Sal on the cheek but Sal walked out.
Robin asked Mike if he sees children in his future. Howard asked if she meant dating them. Mike said he would like to have a kid one day when he settles down with someone. He said that he'd love that.
Howard let Mike go and asked Robin if she gets turned on by the boy's cocks hanging out. Robin said she does not at all. There was some toilet paper on the couch so they figured it was Sal's. Howard said no one wanted to pick that up. Sal came back and told them why he has the toilet paper in there to keep his penis dry. Fred threw in the Charlie Sheen ''Winning!'' comment as Sal was talking about that. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Charlie is saying that they didn't need to pull the plug on the show. Charlie said they really didn't need to do that. He said he got right to his point on the Today Show and he hasn't gotten a phone call or anything about the questions he has about the show.
Howard told Charlie about how he got sued by CBS and he called Les Moonves out on the air. He asked Charlie if he's worried about his reputation being ruined. Charlie said that he has a lot of offers on the table right now and they're just waiting for information on his TV schedule. He said he's not worried about the movie side of the whole thing.
Howard asked Charlie about paying these broads to fuck them. He said that he has fucked the hottest chicks in Hollywood and he doesn't have to pay. Charlie said that's a whole other segment. He said they can get into that later. Howard said he has had Denise Richards on the show and she seems like the perfect wife for him. Charlie was laughing and saying they were straying from the subject there. Howard said Denise has said that she likes dressing up and stuff. Howard asked how that didn't work out. Charlie said that she threw that piece of paper in there and that screwed things up. He said that she's fabulous and smoking hot and he loves her to death.
Howard asked Charlie if he's done with marriage now. Charlie said that he has failed at 3 so he's not in a rush to get into four. Howard asked more about Denise and stuff like that and he didn't want to get into that. He said maybe they can talk about it tomorrow.
Charlie told Howard that he got Bree Olson to retire. He said that her name is now Rachel. He said that he's created something called a wedge. Howard asked Charlie about the hot chick he had in his back yard during the interview he saw. Charlie told him about that woman, Natty, and how it's the three of them in this relationship. Howard asked if they're willing to get it on with each other. Charlie said that he'd have to ask them about that.
Howard asked Charlie where he is now. He wants to roll with him. Charlie said he's in Sherman Oaks, California. Howard said he wants to hang with him and do what he's doing. Charlie said he's welcome there anytime. Howard asked why he's into Apocalypse Now so much. Charlie said it's a film that teaches him a lot of lessons and it's a magical Odyssey.
Howard asked if he's tight with his dad or is that movie how he stays in touch with him. Charlie said that he sounds like his psychiatrist. Charlie said he's not watching his dad in that movie. he's watching his character.
Howard asked what his brother is up to. Charlie said that he's got a new movie coming out in September and his dad is in it too. Charlie said he's find with them doing that without him.
Howard asked about Jon Cryer and if he's upset with what's going on. Charlie said he thinks he's turning that around. He thinks that Jon is behind him 100 percent. Robin asked if he's been at war with the show people for a long time now. Charlie said that they have been trying to micro manage his personal life so that's what he's upset about.
Howard asked Charlie what the problem is with the show. Robin asked if it could be a problem that he's all over the news with his personal life. Charlie said that he can't get certain questions answered and it's baffling to him. Charlie said he was asking about why there were no scripts when he was ready to come back and why they were unprepared for him to return. He said that they told him to be prepared and he was and they didn't have any scripts.
Howard asked why all of this is blowing up now. Charlie said that he thinks that Chuck Lorre wants out even though this is the show that made him. Charlie said that they should probably fire him and put him back on and everyone will win. Robin said that it seems that they have to keep them all together because CBS won't do the show without Chuck and Chuck won't do the show without Charlie. Charlie said that Les Moonves lied to him and said that they'd take care of the crew but they've only taken care of half the problem at this point.
Charlie said their show was on an upswing in season 8 and that's almost unheard of. He said that they've left them all twisting in the breeze at this point. Howard asked if his family called and tried to get him committed. Charlie said they could try but that would involve gun play. Charlie said he's 45 and he's not ruled by his family.
Howard asked what else Charlie is going to do. He said he's going to do another interview today and then wait by the phone for someone to call him. Howard asked if he banged Bree and Natty last night. Charlie said he can't talk about that. He said he didn't do both of them. Howard asked who his favorite is. Charlie said it's impossible to choose. He said that they're both radically wonderful. Howard asked if they're always around to have sex with him. He said they're not just there for sex but hell yeah they're there for him.
Howard asked what the sleeping arrangements are. Charlie said they have two beds in the bedroom and each girl has her own and he will choose which one he wants to go to. Howard said he's living like a king. Charlie asked why he shouldn't.
Howard asked Charlie about going out with Kelly Preston and if he shot her in the arm accidentally once. Charlie said that a gun fell out of a pocket and it hit her in the leg. He wasn't even in the room at the time. Howard asked if that's when he had his guns taken away. Charlie said that he did decide that it was about time he got rid of them around that time.
Howard asked Charlie if he likes getting into fight. Charlie said that he doesn't like that and it takes more of a man to walk away from a conflict. Howard asked him if the girls ever do things together in front of him. Charlie said he's not that kinky and he's pretty straightforward. Howard said the girl they had in there told them about how he likes to watch porn for hours. Howard said he would like him to come in and critique porn with him.
Howard said that Andy Dick was on the line and he wants to support him. Howard asked if Mel Gibson called him to support him too. Charlie said that he did and he's a rock star. He said he loves Mel. Howard asked him about the drug tests he's been taking lately. Charlie told him about passing those tests and how he's clean now.
Howard said that Charlie is an amazing drug taker. He said he doesn't end up dead or O.D. on that stuff. Charlie said that a man has got to know his limitations.
Howard had Andy Dick on the line so he put him on for a few seconds. Andy got on and asked why he was only going to give him a couple of seconds. Andy's phone cut out so Howard bailed out on the call. Howard asked Charlie if he thinks that he has a shot of getting his show back. Charlie said that failure is not an option. He said that he will get it back and they will get big numbers again. He said he's a man of his word and he's going back to work.
Howard asked Charlie if he loves his life. Charlie asked what's not to love. Howard said he gets the feeling he's on fire and he's not sleeping. Charlie said that he gets some sleep but there are nights that he doesn't sleep. Howard asked if he's lost all of his money in his divorces. He said he's lost a lot but he doesn't believe in panic. That's for amateurs and morons. He said he gets another opportunity when something like that happens.
Howard asked Charlie if he's just with these two girls that he's got now. Charlie said that he's hit the lotto with those girls. Howard asked why his publicist quit. Charlie said that the guy quit via text. He said that he's been his publicist since 2005 or so. He said he's fighting a war right now so he needs someone on his side. He said that he will get his show back and he needs some questions answered.
Howard asked Charlie about this thing that Kacey Jordan told them about. She said that he wanted to create a porn house where he would have two of every type of porn girl in the house. Charlie said he never said he was going to do that but she must have a great imagination. Howard asked if he feels that they're missing him by going out and talking about him like they do after he gives her $30,000. Charlie said maybe she's a retarded zombie.
Howard asked Charlie if he thinks that he's better than everyone else. Charlie said he is but then said he was just joking. He said he's grandiose and that's all it is. He said he's loving every second of what's happening to him. He said that he loves a challenge and he thinks that he'd be able to conquer this one if they'd just give him an answer.
Howard said he planned his attack against CBS and he went to the NY Times and did what Charlie is doing and went on the offensive. He said they caved. Charlie said of course they did. He said that when you put them in the light then they're exposed. He said that they're hiding something and he's hiding nothing. Charlie said that he's telling the truth and they're not.
Howard asked if anyone in his family is trying to get him committed or anything. Charlie said his dad was out there talking about AA and stuff like that but that's not what he wants to hear. He said they're not trying to take over his finances or anything like that.
Howard asked Charlie about the interview he did in his back yard. Charlie said that was a way to get his message out to the world live. Howard said he's also shopping his book for 10 million. Charlie said that it's going to be a great book.
Howard asked Charlie about who the best was that he's ever had. He told Howard it's the two girls he has now, Rachel and Natty. Howard asked him about banging Tabitha Stevens. Charlie said he did that when she was still hot. Howard asked if these new girls are doing something that no one else has. Charlie said that they're great.
Howard asked if he wishes he had a big porn star penis since this Kacey Jordan said it was just normal. Charlie said he's not sure where she's from. Howard asked how big he is and if he could measure for him right now. Charlie said he'd have to get back to him on that.
Howard asked if he's ever shot any porn with these girls. Charlie said he never puts any of that on film. Charlie said that he had to go train but he'd call in tomorrow. Howard said that he should call in tomorrow.
Howard said that his audience is saying that Charlie is their hero. Howard said that they're all behind him.
Howard said they have a bunch of girls coming in on Thursday to do a beauty pageant. He told Charlie who they were and he said he does remember them but didn't want to dignify them. He said they're all lame because of what they did. He said ''Shame on you all...'' to the girls. He said he gave Melanie some stuff and he should ask her what he gave her. Howard said he'll do that. Charlie said if she lies then he'll tell him what he really gave him.
Howard said he wants him to take 3 phone calls. Robin asked if he's sober or just ''Hollywood sober.'' Charlie said he's sober.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's his hero and he wants to come hang out with him. Charlie said he's honored. Howard asked if it makes him feel good when he hears that. Charlie said that he does like that because he's a winner and he'll catch the losers in his rear view. Howard asked if he ever pictures himself as Genghis Khan. Charlie said he wouldn't go that far back because he wouldn't be able to do what he's doing now.
Howard asked Charlie what he's doing today. Charlie said he has some training and then he'll hang with his kids and his goddesses. He said that he has a chef that cooks for him so he's going to have a perfect meal after that. Howard said that he has to hang with him. Charlie said he's welcome anytime. Howard asked if the ex-wives are trying to keep him from the kids. Charlie said of course not. He said anyone who is saying that is just lying. He said that it's all magic there.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he never cared one way or the other but now he's intrigued by what's going on. He said he's recording everything he's a part of now. He told him to keep on winning. Howard said he should copyright that ''Winning'' thing he's doing lately. Fred threw in the clip. Charlie said he was loving all of this.
Another caller said that Denise was on the show a couple of months ago and he asked if she was still giving it to Charlie. She said she's not. He wanted to know if he's still doing her. Charlie said that he's not but he would if she wanted to. He said she still looks amazing. Howard said it must have been amazing the first time he was with her. He said she's out of control sexually but he didn't want to give away too much. He said she's as into it as he is and that's what makes it real. He said that it's all epic.
Howard said he hopes that he gets his show back. Charlie said that hope is for suckers and fools. He's going to get his show back.
Howard said that he's going to put a call into Chuck today and he's going to see if he can get them on the show tomorrow. He said maybe he can mediate it in some way. Charlie said he's available 24/7 so he's up for that. Howard said he'll have Gary work on that now. Charlie said Howard is awesome and thanked him for that.
Ralph called in and asked if he could move in with him for just a week. Ralph said he's living the life. Charlie asked how that helps him. Ralph said he doesn't know. Ralph said that he shouldn't live in the Valley. Charlie said that it's not in the valley, it's just close. He said he can see Sherman Oaks so he calls it Sherman Oaks.
Ralph said that this is great and no one is going to avoid this show when it comes back. Charlie said that he really appreciates ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' because that show made their show.
Howard said that their beef is with this Chaim (Chuck) Lorre. Howard said that Mel Gibson must have loved that he called him out on that. Charlie and Howard spent a couple more minutes talking. Howard asked him about Sean Penn and how he's his buddy. Charlie talked about how great the guy is for all of the parts he's played and for the movie's he's directed.
Howard told Charlie he should help Mel Gibson out and get him laid. Charlie said that's not up to him. He said he knows nothing about that. Howard asked if he ever watches gay porn. He said he doesn't watch that unless he sees it as he walks by a room or something.
Howard said that Ralph is the guy who crashes at John Stamos' house. Ralph said Stamos has nothing like this going on. Charlie said that if Stamos replaces him then they're going to get what they deserve. He doesn't think that he can replace him. He thinks that people would revolt. Howard asked if he ever watches porn on the web. Charlie said it's too grainy. He said that he prefers DVD apparently. Howard said they'll have to get together and hang sometime. Charlie said it sounds Epic to him. Howard let him go after that.
Ralph said that Charlie is Epic. Howard said that was Charlie Sheen for 45 minutes. Robin said that he doesn't sound that crazy. Howard said he sounded kind of rational this morning. Howard asked Fred what he thinks. Fred said he thinks that he's painting it all in his own light and some of the things are being swept under the rug. Howard said Fred isn't going to Charlie's house. Fred said that he wouldn't want to go because he wouldn't want to see his self destruction.
Howard said Andy is out of control. Howard told Andy to get his shit together. Andy said he's working on it. Howard said he had a nice career going and then he screwed it all up. Howard said he has to pull his shit together. Andy said he's doing that as they speak.
Andy said that he's sorry he wasn't able to call in the day that Lisa Lampanelli was on. He said he lost his phone the night before and then he was just embarrassed. Howard said that Andy basically spit on a body guard when he was kicked out of her dressing room one night. Andy said that he has this habit of spitting when he drinks and that's all it was. He said he's stone cold sober now.
Andy asked how there is no video of Charlie high. Howard said that is pretty amazing since Andy is always on video. Howard said he had to get going because he had to take a break. He told Andy to stay sober. Howard went to break after talking to Ralph for another minute.
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Howard came back and took a call from a guy who said he was on fire with the questions with Charlie. Howard said that he didn't prepare for that either.
Howard said he thinks he hit everything he wanted to hit today. He said he'd like to get that producer dude on the line too.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show. Howard said he thinks that he can mediate this thing between Charlie and Chuck Lorre. He said maybe he can get Mel Gibson in on that too. Howard said he's going to try to have everyone on the show tomorrow.
Howard said if he was in L.A. he'd be over at Charlie's house doing a show from there. Howard had a caller on the line who asked if Beth would let him hang with Charlie. Howard said there's not a chance that would happen. The caller said that he would rather hang with Charlie than at the Playboy mansion.
Fred played Robin into her news with a Little Mikey song parody. Robin started off with a story about Madonna's daughter Lourdes being in the paper today. Howard said she's gorgeous but she's only 14. Howard said she looks much older. He said it's weird how Madonna looks young and her daughter looks old.
Robin read about Ted Kennedy and some news that came out about the life he was living when he was younger. Howard said that it turns out he had a Charlie Sheen like life. Robin said that he arranged to rent a brothel over in Chile decades ago. Robin said that they had some FBI files about him and how he had done all of this stuff back in the 60s. Howard went into his Kennedy impression during that story. He did that for a few minutes.
Robin read about Christina Aguilera getting arrested. She said that details were still coming out. Robin said that she's booked on a misdemeanor charge. Howard, as Ted Kennedy, said she must have been arrested for getting too fat. Robin said she's hoping to get more details.
Howard took a call from Bobo about his Daily Show appearance. Howard said he rallied to come back to do that show. Howard said it was only 5 minutes long. He said he was there extra early though. He said that he was grateful that it was so short. Howard said that he's glad he got to plug the Sirius XM app.
Gary came in and told Howard that Bobo has been leaving messages for him about how something bad is going to happen on December 21st and he wants Howard to buy a bunker and let his kid come and stay there. Howard told Bobo that he will build the bunker and he will let him stay there. He was joking. Bobo said that they're saying that the sun is going to break off or something and then it's going to come through the Ozone layer. He heard all of this on Jesse Ventura's Conspiracy Theory show. Howard said that the guy has nothing to do so he's doing that show. There's nothing happening on December 21st. Bobo said he's worried about his 6 year old. Howard let Bobo go after that. Howard said that man has an 80 IQ.
Robin read about the ratings for the Academy Awards. They had the lowest ratings in the past 10 years. Howard said he couldn't fast forward through that show fast enough. He said Kirk Douglas really held the show up. Robin said they had no plan for him to be on that long. Howard talked about how bad the show was and how Anne Hathaway was trying way too hard. He said James Franco must have checked out a long time ago. Robin said they're blaming the two hosts for the decline of the ratings. Howard played some of Anne singing on the show. He said no one knew what she was talking about.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been listening for 18 years and today was the greatest. He said that he's been there in the U.S. for 21 years. He said that this show is great. He said he's so excited about this. Howard asked what he did that turned him on so much. The caller said he's a big fan of Charlie Sheen's so that interview was great.
Tara from Access Hollywood called in and gave them some details on the Christina Aguilera arrest. Tara said that she was arrested along with a man who was driving. They're not sure why she was arrested but she's being held for intoxication. Tara said she was booked and she's being held on $250 bail. Howard asked if they weighed her at all. She said that they did and she's 5'2'' tall so how much does Howard think she weighs. Howard said she should weigh about 100 pounds. Howard thought Tara was kidding at first but she had the booking sheet. Howard guessed she was 145 pounds. Robin said 125. Tara said that she's 100 pounds. Gary said they probably just asked her how much she weighs. Howard said that she should be charged with a felony for lying about that. Howard said there's no way she's 100 pounds.
Howard said he should be out in California. He could be reporting on that and on the Charlie Sheen thing from Charlie's house. Howard said he was so excited that she had her weight but there's no way she's 100 pounds.
Robin got back to her news and read about the Academy Awards and had some audio of Colin Firth talking about waiting to hear his name called during the show. Howard said he's glad that the kid, Jesse Eisenberg, from the Facebook movie didn't win. He said he's like a big nerd and he's walking around like he just smelled something bad. Gary said that he's a reluctant celebrity. Howard said they should run him and Kristen Stewart out of the country. Howard said it's all too much for them. He said that fucking kid annoys him. He said he had better pull himself together.
Robin said that the X Factor show is starting soon. Howard said he's not sure hat to think about that. Jon Hein came in and said that American Idol is going to be live now so that's going to show them if it's going to be good or not. He said he thinks the verdict is still out on the show. Robin said they have a $5 million prize on the X Factor. Robin had some audio of Simon Cowell talking about the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his band is going to be on America's Got Talent in a couple of weeks. He said the band is Silent Doom and their web site is SilentDoom.com. Howard said he'll be watching for him. They went to break after that.
After the break, around 9:50am, Robin got back to her news and read about the new season of Dancing with the Stars. Howard told Robin he's watching the last couple of episodes of The Bachelor and he will know everything when he's done with that. Robin said she can't make it through that show. She said she's good for about 10 minutes and that's it. Howard said the show is very good and it's great entertainment. He talked a little bit about what he's seen but didn't want to spoil anything for those unaired episodes he's seen. Robin read more about the Dancing with the Stars announcement. She went through the list of people who will be dancing this season. Ralph Macchio is going to be on so Howard said he watched the original Karate Kid again and it's a great movie. Robin ran through more of the celebrities who will be on this season. Howard wondered if Mr. Miagi could cure Sal's Candida with that special rub he does. They talked about how Ralph is probably going on that show to revive his career but it's just not going to happen.
Robin read a story about a designer who is in trouble for going on a rant where he went off on some models. She had some audio of the guy telling some reporters that he was a fan of Hitler's and the girls he was talking to would be dead if he was in power. He ended up getting fired from Christian Dior.
Robin read about Charlie Sheen and the cast of Two and a Half Men. They're going to get paid full salaries for the show for the four episodes that didn't go into production yesterday like they were supposed to. Robin said Charlie is looking to get them paid for the full run. Robin said that Charlie did a few interviews yesterday and today. She said the people from TMZ did an interview in his back yard. She had some clips from that interview.
Robin read a story about a firm that thinks they can grow fuel. She said that they can make some jet fuel or ethanol out of some bacteria. Robin said they claim they can do it in large quantities. Robin said that if this is true they should pull troops out of the middle East now.
Robin read about how Ben Rothlisberger has announced he's getting married this July. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Libya and what's going on over there. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about how it has to stop.
Robin read about Nelly Furtado taking money from Muammar Gaddafi back in 2007. She has said she's going to donate that money to charity because she didn't know what was going on over there when she did the performance.
Robin read about a couple that was accused of kidnapping a child in 1991. They have made a full confession in the past month. Robin said that they kept a girl in their back yard shed for 18 years. Robin said they say that the wife will get a more of a lenient sentence since she didn't sexually abuse the girl.
Robin read about the cast of Spider-Man the musical being on David Letterman tonight. Howard said no one wants to see that. Robin said that Spider-Man never sings, it's just Peter Parker that sings. Howard did some singing as Peter Parker for a few seconds after Fred played some crashing sounds.
Robin said that Jane Russell has died. Howard said she had no talent and she was kind of force fed on the public. Robin had some audio of her in something she was in.
Robin read about 87 year old Eddie Kirkland who died when his car hit a bus. Robin said that the guy was known as the Gypsy of the Blues and he was going to be working on a new album. Robin had some audio of his music. Howard said that no one cares about the blues. He said that's why no one ever heard of this guy. They ended the show a short time later, right around 10:15am.
Jon said that Charlie said some crazy things but he was also talking about why he was upset. Gary said he was pretty focused and he was making sense. Gary said Robin even said that he was making sense after they were done on the phone.
Jon said that Charlie is ready to go to work and they're locking him out for some reason. Jon said he'd like to hear Chuck Lorre's side of the story. Gary said that show makes a lot of money and it's interesting that it was surging in the ratings in their 8th season. Gary said they lost a lot of shows and that was like ''the show'' over there at CBS. Jon said the show has launched some shows just like Raymond launched that show. Gary said he's afraid to let his kids watch the show because it's kind of dirty. He said he always thought it was a kid's show.
Benjy asked what proceeded the shutdown of the show. He wasn't sure what the reason was. Gary said he's not sure if there was a particular incident. Gary said no one seems to know. It could have been a bunch of things. Jon said there were a bunch of incidents with Charlie and he's not sure if Charlie is mad at CBS or Chuck Lorre or what's going on in his life. Gary said he gets the feeling he's not mad at the people he works with on the show but maybe at Chuck Lorre.
Jon asked if it should matter what Charlie is doing in his personal life if he's showing up to work on time. Gary said that he has no morals clause in his contract so he's not sure how they can pull the plug on the show like that. Jon said that it's the most popular show on TV right now and it's worth a lot of money.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Gary did a good job getting that interview set up. He said he must not have had to work to hard at it though. Gary said it really wasn't too hard. That caller was also asking about the problems Gary has been having with the parks and recreation committee. Gary said that he's tried defending himself by defending the show but he shouldn't even be doing that. It's not about the show.
The caller asked if they're going to hear something interesting tomorrow with Charlie. Gary said he thinks he did a good job today so he's not sure what will happen tomorrow. The caller said it seemed like a set up for tomorrow's show. Gary said there was no set up and he's not sure that he's going to have much more to talk about. He said that you don't want to do a confrontational thing with him. Jon said that the guy did say he's available 24/7 so they could get him back on if they want him.
Jon asked Gary what he thinks isn't going on in that house. Gary said ''sleep.'' He said he wondered when he sleeps. Jon said that he gets about 5 hours of sleep. Gary said that's about what he gets too so that's not so crazy. Benjy said that it seems like they take lines out of context with him and he's really not that crazy of a guy. Gary said he seems much different than in the TMZ interview they watched yesterday. They had to go to break after that.
Benjy said he was looking at Bree Olson's Twitter and she's still talking about some crazy things. He didn't get too into that though.
Jon asked why Stamos is getting thrown into all of this. Gary said someone threw it out there yesterday and he's not sure where it came from. Gary asked who put it out there. Jon said Stamos made it clear that he wasn't going to be doing that. Gary asked who else would fit in that part. Jon said that no one comes to mind.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks they need to have a counseling session with Robin. He said that Robin was talking over Howard and not catching what was going on. He said that the first half Robin was adding her comments to the discussion and she wrecked it. Gary said she didn't wreck it. He said that it was no different than any other interview. The caller said that Robin seems to be doing it more and more and it's ruining the show at times.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Charlie is just portraying the lifestyle he has on the show and they're taking it away from him. Gary said that it's a TV show though. He said that Michael C. Hall from Dexter isn't going around killing people.
Benjy asked if they think that it's Lorre saying fuck this guy or is it CBS worrying about losing money in the long run. Gary said that it sounds like Charlie and Chuck weren't getting along. Jon said it sounds like maybe they've worked together too long.
Jon said Howard was talking to Charlie about his dad and brother. He had Teddy play the audio from that moment. He was talking about all of the angst and attention he's getting from all of this. The guys talked about that for a short time.
Richard also said that Sal is different on the air than he is back in the office. Sal said that he's really not and he's not sure what Richard is talking about. Sal said he's a fan of naked stunts but not with other dudes. Sal said that he's not queer and he doesn't want to be portrayed like that in a book that's going to be out there forever. He said he's not big on this stuff that Richard is. Sal said that he would say yes to Howard but he's not big on that whole thing.
Jon said that Mike asked Sal to kiss Richard but he ran out of the studio. Sal said he has never kissed Richard. He said he kissed his taint once but that was it. He said that he has never kissed him before though. Sal said that was the worst thing ever kissing his taint. High Pitch Mike said that it's funny that he'll put his mouth on his taint and not on his lips. Sal said that nothing comes out of the taint though.
Richard said he'd love to see Howard's book out there in Barnes and Noble with them nude in it. Sal said that's like saying that Bernie Madoff would be happy about being on the cover of the Daily News for ripping off all of America. Gary found it funny that they were so opposed. They had to take another break after that.
Jon asked if they're ever going to hear from Chuck Lorre in any public way. Maryann said that he released one statement about Charlie but he won't respond to any of the nuttiness. He does respond with his vanity cards at the end of the shows but that's about it. She said that he's kind of acting like a baby. She said it seems like they hate each other and they should just finish up the season and take it from there. Gary thanked her for calling in and let her go.
Gary said that he was reading about how Chuck Lorre wrote a song for Blondie and also the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He used to be a musician before he became a writer.
Jon said that the guys on the Dukes of Hazard had a fight like this. He said you don't want to do that because it doesn't work out. He said that Chuck also does the ''Big Bang Theory'' and that's another big hit. He said he hopes that they can get him on the show.
Benjy didn't know about the vanity cards that Lorre does at the end of his shows. Gary said he just learned about them today and most of them were boring. they spent a minute talking about those before moving on to Mike.
Jon said he wanted to talk to High Pitch Mike again. He asked him about what was going on with Sal and Richard in the studio. Mike talked about that. Jon also asked Sal if he feels okay about what Howard said about him today. He said that Howard was just being brutally honest with him and he didn't take offense to it. Gary said that's all of the stuff he said to him yesterday that he ignored. Sal said ''Right!'' Sal said he doesn't think that going to a shrink is going to help him. Gary said he thinks that he should. It might help. Sal said he's had those problems in the past though so he's not sure that it's a mental thing. Gary said he's self diagnosing again. Right. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show saying the Charlie Sheen ''Winning'' a couple of times. Howard took a call right after that. The caller told him how great his interview was with Charlie Sheen yesterday. Howard said he's been sick and this week has been very busy with the appearances and his meetings and stuff. He said that he's been running around like a maniac. He said he was on Twitter for 2 seconds yesterday but people seemed to have loved the Charlie Sheen thing. He said Charlie joined the Twitter (@charliesheen) community and Bree Olson must have gotten him into it. Howard said he heard that he was only following like 6 people and one of them was him. Howard said he was too tired to Tweet though.
Howard said he saw that Charlie was up very early this morning. He said he's not sure if he's calling in today but he'd welcome the call. Robin said she thinks that he's very busy. There were people at his house taking his kids. Howard said that won't slow him down.
Gary said that he texted Charlie and he hit him back right away. Gary said that Charlie is up and he's not sure if he's going to call in. He said he asked if he was on DirecTV live. Gary said he wanted to watch it live.
Howard said he should call in whenever he wants and he can take phone calls or whatever he wants to do on his own show. He said that he could do an hour or a 10 minute show if he wants. Howard said they can see how it goes and let him bail if he wants to bail. He can even play music if he wants to. He said he's the man of the hour and he can do whatever he wants on a show. Howard said he could interview the people taking his kids if he wants.
Gary said that Charlie wanted to talk less sex and more ''biz.'' He said that he also told him that he's got 8 and a half referring to his penis. Howard said one of the broads said that he had an average size penis. He said that maybe average to her is more than average to others.
Howard said that Charlie has been all over the place doing interviews but he was on their show. Howard played some clips of some news reports about that appearance. The reporter was talking about the sleeping set up at his house in that report.
Robin said she doesn't think that he's turning the tide on his image with these interviews. Howard said that's why he should do his own show there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said giving him his own radio show is a great idea. He'd pay extra for that. Howard said he thinks that it would help him out if he had his own show to just rant on. He can talk about whatever he wants and he can do the show whenever he wants to do it. They could Twitter out when he's ready to do his thing.
Howard said if Charlie burns out then they can put Bree or that other chick on. Howard said it would be his show and he can do whatever he wants with it. He said they can call the show whatever he wants. He can call it Charlie and the Goddesses or whatever. Howard said he could have Sean Penn come in and do an interview and things like that.
Howard said they could have Charlie's Joke Hunt after getting rid of Jackie. Howard said he'd like to hear Charlie playing records. He said anything he does would be fine with him. He said he could teach people how to win. Robin said they could call it ''Winning with Charlie Sheen.'' Howard had a ''Winning'' drop that he likes. He played that and said that will be making its way into the show.
Robin said she didn't know that he had children living with him. Robin said she thought it was a drop by but they're living there. Howard said the cops came and took them away. Robin said now he's in a custody battle. Howard said it was cool when he called in yesterday.
Howard asked Benjy to read some of Charlie's Tweets (@charliesheen). Benjy said that his bio on Twitter is funny. He read that and also read some of his Tweets. He was just answering a lot of people. He was also saying that defeat is not an option when it comes to his kids.
Howard said he doesn't think that he's going to get his TV show back. Gary got in touch with Chuck Lorre's people and asked if he wanted to come on the air. Howard said they said ''no comment.'' Benjy read some more of Charlie's Tweets. There was one photo of Charlie and Bree in there.
Howard said that Bree said that she would totally fuck his brains out once. He was with Beth already so he can't do that but Bree could tempt him. He said that he's pretty germ phobic though so it would be tough. He said she does a lot of guys so he's not sure he could do that. Howard said Charlie is in the gym all the time and he must care about that. Howard said Charlie would care about the STD thing. Robin said maybe he would if he was of the right mind. He said a lot of times he's in blast off mode.
Howard said Bree is so sexy. He said he used to watch her on YouPorn. He said she doesn't have a lot of the good stuff on there but there is a lot of jerk off material. Howard said he loves that Charlie can choose the bed he wants to get into.
Howard played some Bree Olson clips and imagined that she puts on a show for Charlie like she does in her movies. Howard said he'll have to ask him about that if he calls in again today. Howard said he wants to know if he'd be disappointed in Bree if she wasn't like that.
Howard said he gets the feeling that the girls with Hugh Hefner are relieved when he goes to the other girls instead of them. Howard wondered if Charlie's girls are like that. Howard said Gary has been in touch with him at every hour of the day and it seems like they're always awake. Robin said she saw one of Charlie's gold teeth and she saw one of them in an interview. Howard said he'll have to ask him about that too.
Howard played more Bree audio and said Charlie's head must be spinning if that's what she's doing for him. He said that he has to ask about what he has to do about supporting the girls. He has to find that out. Robin said it's only been a couple of weeks. They must want to get paid so they must have to do something. He said Bree makes money doing the video cam stuff so she must be getting paid. Robin said that she's one who refused to talk to the press so that must be why she's there. Howard said that you have to keep your mouth shut.
Howard read how they're saying that Oprah Winfrey has been running ads for the company in her magazine. Howard sarcastically said that's really nice of her. He said that his picture was missing from that ad. He said ''Winning!'' Howard said that he's like the biggest draw there and they don't put him in the ad. Howard said Oprah does a half hour a week on Sirius XM. He said he's seen her on the Academy Awards and her TV show and never mentions Sirius. He added ''Losing!'' to that.
Howard said he's back all of the talent there if they'd pull their own weight around there. He said that he can't do that with Oprah.
Howard read more of the article where they talked about how much promotion he's been doing lately. Howard said he saw some of the pictures for Rolling Stone and they looked good. He said that they don't let you pick your own with Rolling Stone but he thinks that they look pretty good. Howard said he's hit the wall so hard that he's only going to sign copies of it if they use the good pictures. He said he will sign it if they used the pictures he saw.
Howard said this is his last cover of a magazine for him. He said it's getting harder and harder for him to look human. He said he doesn't want to look like Imus. He said he's got to be done with that after this cover.
Howard said Sirius Stock was at 1.83 yesterday and then it was down to 1.75 by the end of the day. He said this article may have come out later in the day so he'll have to see how it goes. Howard said he needs the stock to get up there.
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Howard said that Ronnie used to go to Scores where he got to be really close with Lonnie Hanover. He said that Lonnie had the girls believing that Ronnie was one of the owners in the club. Then they moved to Rick's Cabaret and Ronnie is doing appearances with them. Howard said Ronnie would do the appearances for free because he loves hanging there. Howard said the guy is constantly there. Howard said he has a girlfriend now so maybe he's not there as much. He has kind of worked it into a business though. Howard said no one pays attention to any dude there. He said they just want to see the girls.
Howard said Ronnie went down and got really drunk in Dallas. Ronnie came in and said he wasn't that drunk. Howard said he really was. Ronnie said he wants to hang with Charlie Sheen. Howard said he thinks Ronnie already has that lifestyle and he's a player. He said he thinks that he's got it down already. He has a way with women. Robin doesn't seem to think so.
Howard had a clip of Ronnie walking drunk in Dallas. He had the Howard TV guys play that. In the clip Ronnie was talking to one of the girls and he did sound kind of out of it. He was told to get the fuck out by someone. Ronnie said that was very nice of her.
Howard said that Ronnie had his arm around the girl and she looked like she was being held hostage. Howard said she looked 12 years old too. Ronnie said it was like 12 degrees outside and she was out there for like 20 minutes in her bikini.
Howard said he's not sure why they don't take him and throw him out of the club. Ronnie said they love him there. Howard played some of Ronnie getting up on stage and talking to the people. He was the usual Ronnie up there asking people what was going on. Howard asked if he wears a skull shirt every time he's on stage. Ronnie said he loves skulls. That's his look. Ronnie said that the shirt he was wearing had a scissor and it was a skull head with a skull head underneath it. That's his rock and roll look.
Howard played more of Ronnie yelling and cursing up on stage. Ronnie was talking about the clubs and how great they are. There were some guys yelling at him so Ronnie asked what their problem was. Ronnie said he was just trying to answer them. They weren't mad at him either. Howard figured they were telling him to get off stage.
Ronnie then called a girl up on stage and said that she did a lap dance for him and it was unbelievable. Her name was Roxy. Howard said he's like ''Ronnie Carson'' up there doing interviews. Howard asked if he feels dirty when he goes home. Ronnie said he's too drunk to feel that way.
Howard asked who has a better delivery, Ronnie or Kirk Douglas at the Oscar's. He did his Kirk impression for a couple of seconds. Howard said they should call him Ronnie Sheen. In the clip Ronnie says he's going to get off stage and not stay up there long. He keeps talking though.
Ronnie said a girl won tickets to the Super Bowl and he made her take her top off when she came up and got them.
Gary told Howard to continue playing that clip because it gets funny. Howard played more of it and Ronnie is talking about giving away the tickets to the Super Bowl. Howard said it was dead silent in there and the people must have been bored. Ronnie said they were loving it. Ronnie tells everyone to have a great time and Howard said that's so depressing. Ronnie said it's not depressing. Ronnie said they have like 6 clubs in that area down there.
Howard said Ronnie is the man. He has his arm around one of the chicks who looks about 12. He said there's snow on the ground and he's got her outside in a bikini. Ronnie said they had enough alcohol in them that they didn't need jackets. Howard asked if he fucked her. Ronnie said he didn't.
Howard played more of the audio of Ronnie talking to this girl Nikki and rambling on and on drunk. He didn't know what time it was and he may not have been able to tell time because he was so drunk. Ronnie asked Nikki if she could ''come like this'' out there but she didn't get his joke. Ronnie had to explain it to her. Howard said she must have been creeped out by that. Howard said that the girl looks 12 and she's freezing outside in a bikini. Then Ronnie is using the ''coming'' double entendre and she doesn't get it. Howard said Ronnie is a charmer. He said he can't tell him how proud he is that he's out there representing the show.
Howard asked Ronnie if it works when he jokes like that with the girls. Ronnie said he doesn't know. Fred had a new Ronnie laughing audio drop that he kept playing during that discussion. Howard said Ronnie has a personality like he's never seen. That led into a Ronnie song parody and some more Ronnie audio drops. They also played some Charlie Sheen ''Winning'' audio too. Ronnie said he loves that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's glad that it's not Jackie out there anymore. He said Ronnie is better than Jackie. Howard said he used to have to stop to plug Jackie's stuff during the show all the time. Howard said he would shove his papers in front of him all the time and he'd get upset if he missed one. He said Jackie negotiated the plug thing and he wondered if Jackie gave a fuck about him at all. He was worried about his plugs and not about the show.
Gary said that Jackie would know when not to give him the plugs and he's tell Howard he knew not to give them to him at certain times. Howard said he will never forget about taking Jackie to Vegas on a private plane and he talked to him about how great it was. He said Jackie said that was Howard's thing and not his. The caller said at last Ronnie is out there promoting the show and telling people to listen unlike Jackie.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Ronnie doesn't sound that smart and he wonders if he's smarter than High Pitch Eric. Howard said that Ronnie is able to hold a job at least. They may never know if he's smarter than Eric.
Another caller said that Ronnie is making a total ass out of himself. Ronnie asked what the problem is. He said that he's there having a good time and this guy is just jealous. The caller said he's just making an ass out of himself. They went back and forth on that for a minute. Ronnie just repeats himself over and over.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that Ronnie is such an asshole. Ronnie laughed at him. He said that Jeff is a retarded idiot and he's calling him an asshole. Howard said Ronnie has to drag Jeff out of there sometimes. Jeff will refuse to leave. Ronnie said he's the biggest pain in the ass when he comes up there. He said he complains about them treating him like shit up there and he won't leave when they ask him to.
Ronnie said Ass Napkin Ed was the biggest pain in the ass when he was in. Howard said he saw Elephant Boy the other day when he was there. He said Ronnie left for like 2 seconds and Fred was back in the hall. Howard said he doesn't listen to Ronnie. Robin said she saw Fred looking for Ronnie and he would sneak out when he wasn't around. Ronnie said he likes to sneak a peak out in the hall. Gary said Fred has always been like that and he's always telling him he can't be in the halls. He said he found him roaming around by Mel's office once.
Howard asked who the easiest guy is to deal with. Ronnie said High pitch Eric is one of the easiest. Jeff the Vomit Guy is like that now but he used to be a pain in the ass. Ronnie said Jeff is the biggest pain in the ass without a doubt. He said he's always complaining about money, beer and cigarettes. He wants to stay there the whole day.
Gary said Jeff has been asking to be part of the Queen for a Day thing they're doing. He said he wants to be King for a Day but Will told him that it's for people who are down on their luck, not for losers.
Jeff was still on the line and gave Ronnie a ''fuck you'' after he said he was a pain in the ass. Jeff tried to change subjects and asked about Charlie Sheen calling in. Howard said he's not sure what's up with that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he can't imagine going to a strip club and having to see Ronnie up on stage after paying to get in. Ronnie said he shouldn't pay until he leaves then. Howard said he just wants to hear music and have girls dancing for him.
Another caller said that she thinks Ronnie is a genius. She said that not many men his age can hang out at strip clubs whenever they want. Howard said he agrees and he thinks he's living the Charlie Sheen life.
Howard said that they have a clip of him getting a lap dance and he's rubbing the girl down and taking liberties with her. Ronnie said that it was with that Roxy chick. Howard said he was rubbing her whole body. Howard said he didn't know they were allowed to do that. Ronnie said it was Texas like that makes it okay. Howard described what he was doing and they were practically making love there. It was all visual so it was something you'd have to see on Howard TV.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was wondering if they could get Howard TV to follow that Nikki girl home to see her showering to get the smell of Mambo off of her. He also said that Ronnie is like that creepy guy you see at the strip clubs. Howard said he really is creepy. Ronnie said he's just having fun.
Another caller asked Ronnie if he needs a step-son. Ronnie said as long as he's not a hater he's find with that.
Howard asked Ronnie if he's on Twitter. Ronnie said he is. He said he opened up an account but he hasn't Tweeted anything. He said he was out at Rick's last week and Mike Gange took his new phone and Gange Tweeted something out. Ronnie said his name is already gone so he had to go with RMLimoDriver69. He said that all of his nicknames are gone already. Ronnie said that Gange took his phone and Tweeted out so everyone knows who he is. Now he has 55 followers. Ronnie said he had no one and that got him 55. Benjy figured he'd have a couple thousand by the end of the day.
Howard took another call and the guy asked if Ronnie wears lap dance pants like sweat pants or something. Ronnie said he never does. He said he wears pants. Howard said he bought some jeans from John Varvatos and they have button fly. He said he hates that. Howard said that he doesn't understand the button fly. Robin said it's not good for going to the bathroom. Gary said he has not worn anything not button fly in 15 years. He said they fit so much better.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she wanted to plug Howard TV and the Piers Morgan interview. She said that the Howard TV stuff is great and she hopes that they put the Wrap Up Show back on. Howard said he liked that feature and he's not sure why they took it down. Doug Goodstein said it'll be back shortly. The caller said they say that all the time but it never comes back. Howard said they're shooting stuff behind the scenes all the time now. The woman said that the service is great and any fan who doesn't have it doesn't know what they're missing out on.
Howard said they're going to be putting out some video throughout the day from the show. He said they'll Tweet that out. The caller said she got on Twitter because of Howard too. Howard said that Ronnie is up to 866 followers on Twitter now. Howard said it would be big if he beat out Lady Gaga. He said they'd have to report that in the news. He said JD has like 60,000 now. Ronnie is on his way. They had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that he had to get this next guest in there quick. He said that Sal and Richard call this woman on her internet show all the time. She ends up freaking out on them. He played an example of their work where they got her all worked up and she starts yelling at them. Howard said this is some TV show she's doing. He wasn't sure if it was on the internet or on cable access somewhere. Howard said Ronnie told him that she was freaking out in the hall and she was screaming at her parrot.
Howard said this is Debbie from Debbie's Amazing Pet Show. Howard asked if her parrot talks. Debbie said it does but it might be a little nervous right now. She said that she didn't know if she could curse or not. Howard told her she's fine. Debbie said she does a talk show out of her house on the internet. She said she doesn't have a lot of money to put herself out there. Howard said he had zero money but he had talent. Debbie was yelling at Howard as soon as she came in.
Howard said maybe she's not the performer that she thinks she is. Howard said she has to consider that. Debbie said if she makes a few motherfuckers laugh, that's what counts. She said she can do a show on the internet and make people laugh.
Howard asked Debbie if she will let him interview her. She wasn't answering about her age and where she grew up or anything he asked her. She told him not to worry about any of that. Then she finally said she grew up in Queens. She said she had a shitty fucking life. She said she doesn't want people to feel sorry for her though. Howard said he's trying to interview her and she's not letting him do it. She said she doesn't know Howard but she knows that he treats people like shit.
Howard said he wants to interview her and she has to calm down. He asked her if she's mentally ill in any way. She said she is not. She said she didn't go to college or anything and she told Robin not to worry about how she makes a living when she was asked about that. She said she does have a real job though.
Howard asked Debbie if she has been with a man lately. She said it's been a couple of years. She said she has a son and she doesn't want to expose him to guys. Howard asked if she touches herself at all. She said she doesn't even think about sex. She asked Robin and Howard if they had sex last night. She was yelling and very defensive about everything.
Howard said this was not going well. He asked if the parrot had anything to say. Debbie said maybe if she put it near him then it would say something. She told Howard that she doesn't mean to offend Howard. She was very happy to be there. Howard asked more questions but she told him she's not there to answer those questions.
Howard said that Debbie's show is horrible. She said she does a couple of shows and they found her on Battlecam where she does this shitty show. Howard tried to ask her about what her life was like and why it was so shitty. Debbie wondered why he was asking all of these questions. Howard asked if she thinks that her family is whacked out or is she whacked out. She flipped out cursing and must have said ''fucking'' every other word. Howard said that she said she was abused and that's a big thing. She said there was physical abuse and she saw her sister get beat up and things like that. She said she's sure her family would be upset over this.
Howard said that he was abused by his father. She said she saw Howard's movie. Howard cut her off and asked if her sister yells a lot like her. Debbie said her sister is in her own whacked out world. She said her mother is in a whole other world and she's living her life.
Howard asked Debbie how she supports herself. Debbie said she has a job. She doesn't get help from anyone. Howard asked if she carries on like this when she's at home. Debbie said she's not like this all the time. Howard said she sounds a little eccentric. She said she has a lot of haters and she's just trying to do her piece of shit show.
Howard said that Richard and Sal found her doing a show and that's how they got her on. She said that they're just trolls of her's. She said that she's got her Blog TV show and people like her there. She said she goes on this other site for a challenge.
Fred was playing some computer generated voices as the parrot and he had it saying that it wished it was deaf. Debbie wasn't listening to Howard's questions so he was about to give up. He asked if she was ever married. She said she wasn't but she does have a kid. She said the guy left her but her kid is still with her. Howard asked about the guy who left her and if he supports the kid at all. She said she didn't want to talk about any of that. Howard said he's not listening to any of this. She said he's probably not.
Howard asked Debbie if they ever wanted to take her kid away from her because of her outrageous behavior. She told Howard they didn't. She told Howard about the guy who got her pregnant and how he left and she told him that the door is always open for her.
Howard took a call from ''Artie'' (Sal and Richard playing clips) who asked what she does all day and then said ''I hate you cunt'' over and over. She started to argue with the clips. Howard asked if she wanted to meet Sal and Richard. She said she would.
Howard had Sal and Richard come in and Debbie said that they're all mean there. Sal and Richard said they love her show. She said she's scared of them all and she was scared to even come up there. Howard asked why they bother Debbie while she's doing her show. Richard said they just ask her to get topless and stuff. Sal said that no one cares about her birds and they just want her to whip out her beaver. Debbie said all they want on that site is nudity on that site. Sal and Richard whipped their dicks out to show Debbie. She told them to put them away. Sal said they now know how to shut her up by whipping out their dicks.
Howard said that you can find her show on BlogTV.com. Debbie told Howard what she does there. Sal goofed on her saying that she does the opposite of what she says other people do there. She went off on Sal yelling at him about the show and how they found her on that other site and not with her regular show on BlogTV.com. Debbie said she talks and entertains people on her show. She has a song she wanted to sing for Howard too.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave her a Charlie Sheen ''Winner!'' and told her to calm down and shut up so Howard can interview her. Howard said he doesn't believe that she hasn't had electro shock therapy. He asked if she's ever been in a hospital. She said she has not. She said she really hasn't. She said she hasn't even been on medication.
Howard had Debbie sing her song to him. She sang the song which was just ''New York, New York'' with her own lyrics. Another caller said she has tiger blood running through her veins. Howard asked if she has ever been with a woman sexually. She said ''No comment!'' Howard said that must mean yes. She said if she could do a woman she would probably do Robin. Howard asked if she had a woman go down on her. She wasn't answering the questions.
Howard took a call from Sal and Richard again but this time they had clips of Ronnie asking her to get topless. She said she's not there to do that. Debbie said she's not like the other bimbos that come on this show. She said she doesn't get fucking topless because she has respect for her body. She told him not to get her started. She was already started. They kept playing the Ronnie clip where he asked her to get topless. She said he sounded like a recording already. She kept arguing with him though. Howard let that go on for a few minutes. Debbie continued to scream at the clips. The guys kept them going. Ronnie was asking her to come up to the show topless over and over. Debbie said it had to be a recording.
Howard asked Debbie if she has big breasts. She said she really doesn't. She said that maybe if they gave her implants she would do it. Howard blew his nose in the middle of her talking. He said that last caller made him laugh very hard. He said he was in tears.
Howard said he would like to learn more about her life but she's not talking. He said he tried. Debbie said she doesn't want to talk about that stuff on the air. She has so many haters out there and she doesn't want to do that.
Howard gave Debbie some more plugs for her show at BlogTV.com. He also thanked her parrot Tarzan for coming in even though it didn't say anything. Debbie told Howard she's not a nut and thanked him for having her in. She said she's just nervous. Howard asked if she wears panties. She just laughed. Howard asked if she wanted to talk to Wood Yi. She had no idea who he was. Howard took the call from Wood Yi and had him going off on her for a few seconds. Howard thanked her for coming in and then went to break.
Howard came back and said he thinks that bon Jovi had the number one tour as far as money goes. He said he might be making that up. Howard said they have the Porn Star Pageant on the show tomorrow. He said that's sponsored by Beezid.com.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her news preview. Howard said he had some Charlie Sheen clips to play from the Today Show too. They almost had him on again but he disappeared after Gary was in contact earlier. Lisa said that she'd like to camp out in front of his house like the Today Show did. Howard asked if she would become a goddess to get the story. Lisa said ''Absolutely.''
Lisa said that Gary is going back for a second treatment for his toe fungus. She said it has returned and he has to get all 10 toes zapped for the second time. Lisa said Gary is still contagious and he has to keep his feet covered. Howard said that Gary didn't want him talking about his feet at his house last summer so he had socks on the whole time. Lisa said it came back on two toes but they have to zap all 10. He has to wear shoes when he's at the pool or at someone's house. Howard said he was in his pool and in his shower.
Gary said he's not a dirty person. Howard said he was in his pool. Gary said he has to wear shoes until he goes into the pool. He said he doesn't have to wear them in the pool. He said the pool has chemicals in it. Howard said he thinks he's done inviting him to his home.
Lisa told Howard about how Benjy ran into Kelsey Grammer in Central Park recently so he asked to take a picture with him. He asked Kelsey to use his own camera and then email him the picture. He actually did it. Howard found that pretty funny. Benjy said he did the same thing to Steve Martin but he doesn't carry a camera with him. Benjy said he didn't even get the card from Steve Martin. He hands out cards to people who ask for autographs.
Gary said that Benjy had his bike helmet on and he was acting retarded so that might be why Kelsey did the picture thing. Benjy said he wasn't acting retarded. He did have his helmet on though.
Lisa said that they spoke to a doctor about the depersonalization thing that Sal said that he has. He said that they got some advice for what Sal needs to cut out in his diet.
Lisa said 10 years ago today is the last day Jackie worked for The Howard Stern Show. Howard said that Jackie left and they've continued on. Howard said that they're not the Beatles and he didn't break them up. He said that was a brilliant move on Jackie's part. He said he knew what he was doing.
Howard said Jackie thought he could go out and punch up scripts in Hollywood. Howard said that's not happening. He let Lisa go a short time later. Howard said it was 10 years ago today that Jackie left to teach them a lesson. He said that's something else.
Howard said Oprah wanted to put on shows that are feel good shows on her cable channel. He said they have lower ratings than the channel they replaced. He said they will eventually put on the trashy stuff. He said that's probably what happened with TLC. He said they probably started out with the nice shows but now they're down to doing shows about guys who love their Real Dolls and fuck pieces of rubber.
Howard played some of the audio of this 37 year old guy, Dave, talking about how he can't live without his Real Doll. Howard said they had to throw their Real Doll out because it was infested with bed bugs. Howard said she was laying out there by the garbage with her legs spread. Howard said the guys were fucking around with it and he had to tell them that it was infested with bed bugs.
Howard got back to the clip and let it play a little longer. This guy Dave talks about his love for the doll and how he calls her his wife. He was talking about how she was sleeping and acting like it was a real woman. He said she hit the snooze button and stayed in bed. Howard said he asked JD what this dude looks like and he's a black dude. Howard said he thought the Real Doll was a white dude thing. Dave goes on to talk about his wife brushing her hair and thing like that.
Howard said no one is ashamed of anything anymore. Howard said he wouldn't want that thing shipped to his house. He'd never want to let cameras film him talking about it.
Howard said the guy even set up a Twitter account for her. He said it's a really great scene. He played the audio of Dave talking about his wife and then they take him to a psychologist. Howard said his real doll may have more followers than Ronnie does. He wasn't kidding about that either.
They ask Dave if he finds it odd in any way. Dave said that it's just a matter of time before people choose the synthetic option over the real thing. Dave talked about how he and the doll watch movies together and things like that too. He said he's not hurting anyone by doing what he's doing. Howard said the guy sounds damaged.
Howard said this is the same show that had the girl who eats couch cushions. Howard played some of those clips too. She said she eats like a 8 x 11 piece of cushion a day. Howard said they should have her come there and eat the Green Room couch. Fred threw in the Charlie Sheen ''Winning'' clip as that played. Robin said she saw one woman who ate clay because she thought it was cleaning out her system. JD said there's another one where a woman eats pottery.
Howard said George Steinbrenner is starting to act like his father now. Howard said that's really odd. Howard said the guy is going off on Derek Jeter about building a nice house and blamed him for losing the season. Howard said this kid has some balls going off on someone about their work ethic. Howard said that he can't play baseball so he's got balls complaining like that.
Howard played some Charlie Sheen audio from The Today Show. Howard said that they distracted him with their cameras and they weren't able to get him on. Gary came close to getting him again. He is good radio too.
Gary came in and read the notes that he and Charlie wrote back and forth. He said Charlie was asking if they're on DirecTV. Gary told him that he could give him a password to listen on his computer. Charlie said he would try and call but he had to try and get his kids back. Gary said that he was telling him that Howard understands because he has three daughters of his own. Charlie went off the grid shortly after saying ''Fuck yeah!'' and a couple of other things.
Howard told Gary to tell Charlie that they can get him a radio show there and they'll set him up with a microphone in his house if he wants. Howard said that he doesn't want Gary to be a nudge. Gary said he doesn't think that anything bothers the guy.
Howard played some of the Today Show interview with Charlie and he was denying reports that he had threatened some woman. Charlie said that she must be making that stuff up. Robin said that woman just went on vacation with Charlie.
Howard played more of the clip and Charlie was denying these claims about threatening people. He was also talking about how his kids were taken away from him and talking about his weekend nanny Lourdes. Howard said he likes that he's bringing them into his life like that. Howard said he likes that he's talking about the two beds he's got in the bedroom and the chef and all of that stuff. Howard said it's like a zoo.
Robin wondered where his kids were when he was partying for 4-5 days in a row. Howard asked how the fuck Charlie would know. Howard said that they have to get him on the phone to ask him about all of this.
Gary said Will reminded him that when Bree was in there she said that one of her fantasies was to be raped by a stranger or a relative.
Howard read some email feedback about the Charlie Sheen interview. Howard said there was a lot of positive stuff in there. Howard read some stuff about Sal in the feedback too.
Howard said he loves Jimmy so he will do the show. He's fun and he just wants to get it over with. He said Jimmy won't tape it early though. He said this has been the worst week because he's sick and he's got everything booked up.
Howard said he should do his nude photo shoot with Sal and Richard in the background during the Jimmy Kimmel thing. He said he might be going out to California in April. He said it's not a might, he's definitely going. He said he may move in with Charlie Sheen for a week. Robin said that he would never do that so he didn't have to say that Beth wouldn't let him.
Robin said she was watching American Idol last night and Randy is trying to be Simon. Howard said he thought they moved it to Wednesday nights. Robin said it was but now it's on Tuesday. Gary said the show was weird because J-Lo and Steven had nothing to say so Randy was ''the guy.'' Howard said Steven came off really well in the video taped shows. Gary said he thinks that people just want to see people sing and they don't care about what they have to say.
Howard played a clip from American Idol where J-Lo was telling a contestant that he didn't make it into the final 24. She was near tears. She told him not to stop singing. The guy didn't seem that upset. Howard said she can't handle the job and breaks down crying. Steven had to talk to her like a 4 year old telling her she did it the best way she could.
Howard talked about how he'd try to hit on her if he was in that room with her. He said he imagines Steven jerking off in the corner while he did that. Howard said this is like Ellen Degeneres not being able to handle the job last season.
Howard said he has something to tell Robin but he doesn't want it on the air. He had to tell her about this thing and he didn't want it accidentally getting on the air. He wrote it down for Robin and told the guys not to get it on camera. Howard told Robin to rip it up like 50 times after she reads it. Howard said he knows a lot of stuff and she has to believe this. It was about why J-Lo needed money. Robin read it and said ''Get out of here!'' Howard said it's true. He said he has inside shit like Perez Hilton and Mike Walker. They went to break after that.
Howard said that he doesn't get the whole not caring thing. He said that his parents would be in his head the whole time if he was fucking up. Andy said if his parents were alive then maybe he'd be like that too. He said that they died and it was like they were telling him to be free and do whatever he wanted.
JD said they also claim that they saw Andy sucking on a girl's tit in the bathroom. Howard said it's interesting that Andy really is bi-sexual. He said that he likes dudes and girls too. Andy said he doesn't like a dick in his mouth. He said he has never had one in his ass. He said he enjoys the human body and he has had guys suck on his dick. He said he had girls and guys sucking his dick in high school. He said that it's an impressive dick.
Andy asked how Artie is doing. Howard told him never mind Artie, he has to talk to him about this other stuff. Andy said he just got his book last night.
Andy asked if Charlie is calling in today. Howard said he doesn't think he is. Andy said he wanted to thank him. He said he thinks that they were both cut from the same tiger blood claw. Howard said he thinks that Andy had a great career going and something went wrong. Howard said Andy had it made. He said he was going up and up and then the self destructive behavior kicked in. He said he doesn't know from that. Andy said he did shit the bed. He has regrets and he knows that he could have done things differently.
Howard asked if he's employable at this point. Andy said he has a meeting this week about doing a TV show on a network. He said it's the network that wants to meet with him. They have an idea for the show and he'll hear them out and they'll figure it out from there. Howard asked if he's in the position to tell them to change the show. Andy said he's always in that position.
Andy said that Jamie Foxx is doing a sketch show and they wanted him to be part of this skit where he's play the part of cocaine and he wanted to shy away from that. Howard said he should replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Howard said he's not sure what's going on there.
Howard told Andy about Charlie's interview with the Today Show. Andy said he's completely clean so he's not sure why he's acting the way he is. Howard said he thought he came off well on his show yesterday.
JD asked about Andy sitting out at lunch and pulling his cock out. Howard asked him what was up with that. Andy just laughed. He said he obviously wasn't thinking. Howard asked what's wrong with him. He can't figure it out. Andy said that having no editing system in his body and a weak bladder isn't a good combo. He said that was also a while ago and he was drinking beer back then.
Howard asked Andy if he thinks he's crazy. Howard said they used to talk and then he wondered why he gave him all of this access to talk to him. It was like the dam just burst.
Gary told Howard that Andy is banned from all Sirius properties. He may have urinated in a studio. Gary said that the other thing is that he brought in some friends and they all stole the equipment. Andy said it turned out that it had nothing to do with him or his friends. Gary said Jim McClure said that wasn't true. Andy said Will told him that it had nothing to do with him.
Howard asked Gary if they could bring him in a cage. He told him to ask Scott Greenstein if they could do that. Gary said the other thing was that they went to some rehearsal area and Andy walked in and grabbed someone's dick. Howard said that's why they need him in a cage. He said the guy is nuts. Howard said he's never grabbed his dick though. Gary said that the guy he grabbed was just some guy in a recording studio.
Andy said that he doesn't just grab a dick. He said that he'll see if a person is interested and he's just trying to get a date.
Howard asked Andy if he's dating anyone. He said he just had a girl move away to Ohio because of him. Howard said the only drug Andy is on is ''Andy Dick.'' Howard said he doesn't seem to need any drugs right now. Andy said he has one girl and one guy who is tending to stay away from him at this point.
Howard asked Andy what guy he would want to be with in Hollywood. Andy said that he would have to say that he's really not into male celebrities. He said he's been with just one big famous movie star and it was a woman. Howard asked if it was Liza or Bea Arthur. Andy said it was a horrible experience so he can't say.
Andy told Howard he really can't talk about it. He said they were both out of it at the time. He said he was going down on her and she had a dress on. He said he slipped it up and crawled up on her and passed out on her. He woke up and he had wet himself... and her. Howard guessed it was Brooke Shields. Andy said he's not going to say yes or no to anyone he mentions.
Howard asked him an F, Marry Kill with James Franco, Josh Brolin and Christian Bale. Andy said he's really not up on celebrities. He said he would probably marry James Franco.
Gary asked where Andy is calling from. Andy said he's in his ex's bedroom. Gary said that Andy is still living at his ex's house. He had to go into the main house to get the land line. He has to sneak around to find a phone.
Andy said he has money and he owns property. He said he moved in there because it's the last few years of his kids being kids. He said his son Lucas is 22 now. Howard said that has to be hard to handle having him as a father. Andy said his daughter is 15 and she's only 3 years from 18. He said that he's allowed to hang with the kids but he's just a presence there. He said that he's not really playing with them or anything. He said he feels like Bruce Jenner in the background.
Howard asked if he ever hits on his son's friends. Andy said he doesn't do that. He does have some cute friends but he won't hit on them. Howard said he thinks he knows the girl he was with. Andy said he won't answer. Howard asked if it was Drew Barrymore. Andy said that wasn't the one.
Howard said that he'll tell Charlie what he has to say to Charlie if he calls in. Andy said that he'd like to know what the whole TV show thing was about and why they stopped production. Howard told Andy not to get advice from Charlie Sheen.
Andy asked Howard if he's going to be nicer to him. Howard said he's been nice to him. Andy said he wants to get his Shit Show back up and running. Howard said he'll talk to some people. He let Andy go after that.
Howard said there was a time when Andy was really rolling and he was talking to him on the phone. Then he wondered why he was talking to him. Howard said that he still does talk to him once in a while. Howard said he had a show there and then he started peeing on the floor and things like that.
Robin started her news with a story about Christina Aguilera's arrest for being so drunk that she wasn't able to take care of herself. She said it reminds her of Otis from Andy of Mayberry. Howard said that Otis would lock himself in jail sometimes. He wondered if they left the cell door open for Christina Aguilera. Howard wondered if Willow Smith will be in jail like that in 10 years or so. Howard said that she was on Oprah's show co-hosting and she was talking to Oprah like she was much older. Howard said that Oprah asked her what her closet looks like. He said Willow says ''Giiiiirl...'' like an adult. Willow tells Oprah how busy her day is and how much work she has. Howard said the kid talks better than he does and it's really wacky. He said she acts like a 40 year old. Robin said it's those kind of kids who get into trouble. They start to have their childhood at 18 or so and that's why it's dangerous.
Howard wanted to bet with Robin that they'll see Willow Smith blowing a guy on a sex tape by 2022. He said they probably won't be on the air by then. He said he'll have to do it by phone. Fred said he think that it'll be before that. Fred said that she'll start sexting around 17 or so. they don't know what kind of tech they'll have by then though. Howard said the Olsen Twins never went bad. He said they do some odd stuff though. Howard said Natalie Portman hasn't done anything weird and she was a child star. Fred said that Ron Howard is like the only one who turned out normal.
Howard wondered why Will and Jada want their kids to be famous. He said they must know that it screws them up. He said he doesn't get it. He said they have all the money they want and they don't need more. There is no up side. Robin said they might think that everyone has to be famous in the family.
Robin got back to the Christina Aguilera story and read some more details about that. Howard had to go to break after that.
After the break, around 9:25am, Robin got back to her news and read some news about Charlie Sheen and some stuff he said after his twin sons were removed from his home after his ex-wife claimed that he had made some threats. Robin said that he's without his two sons but he has his two goddesses there. Robin asked how long this can go on. Howard said this is going to end badly. He said that he's going to end up crashing after staying up for a few days straight. Robin said that Dr. Keith Ablow is calling this ''Hypomania'' and it's just a matter of time before it's full blown mania. Robin said that Dr. Keith is saying that mania is a crisis and he's on the verge. Robin said Piers Morgan is saying that he didn't seem crazy to him after he interviewed him. Robin said that no one cares about what Nick Nolte does between movies. She's not sure why they're worried about what Charlie is up to. Robin said she gets it if you get in trouble with the law but if you can work then there shouldn't be a problem. Robin said they should have put a morals clause in his contract if they were that worried about him.
Robin asked if Daniel Radclif is going to have a career after Harry Potter. Howard said no. He said he's like Macauley Culkin and he's going to have a tough time of it. Robin said he's going to try to be a serious actor now.
Robin said that Katie Holmes is suing a tabloid about a story they ran about her being an addiction nightmare. Howard said he loves all of the tabloids but every week it's about her being held against her will and things like that. He wondered how they get away with printing that shit.
Robin read a story about a guy who is offering a scholarship in Texas but it's only for white people. He claims that they're not racist though. Robin had some audio of that.
Howard said he found a passage in the Bill Carter book, The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early and Television Went Crazy, about the late night shows. Howard said he forgot about this. He said that NBC made a deal to make sure he didn't appear on Conan's show in the last week of his show. Howard said that they demanded that he not sit down with Letterman, Regis or Oprah too. He said NBC was afraid of him going on Conan. He said that makes him feel good. He said he feels like he has tiger blood. Winning!
Robin read about the new iPad that's supposed to be announced today. Howard said he was thinking about getting this Xoom thing but they lost him when they didn't have Flash on it. He said he was reading about what this new iPad might have on it and he's holding off. Robin read about some things Wired magazine is saying it will have. Howard said he might be interested in that magazine. He asked where you can get it. Robin said that she sees it in the airport when she flies. Howard said he never goes anywhere so he doesn't see it. Robin had an audio clip of a guy talking about what they think the iPad will have and it didn't sound much different. Howard said he heard that Doug Hurwitt is using the Xoom. Howard said he must know something since he's a tech guy.
Robin read about Lindsay Lohan speaking out about her latest problems and how she's in recovery. Howard said she looks terrible. He played the audio of her talking about what she's doing in her recovery.
Howard got the audio of Willow Smith talking to Oprah. He played the clip where she calls Oprah ''Giiiiirl...'' Oprah and Willow talked about what her closet is like and how she'll donate clothes that she doesn't wear. Howard said he loves that show and he's watching it every day. He doesn't know what he'll do with himself when she goes off the air. Howard said it's almost like that girl is in a sitcom and acting all adult. He said that they must all act like that at home. Howard played more of the audio where she talks about how busy her day is. She was acting really adult and making hand gestures like an adult. Howard said she was talking to a 50 year old woman and it was eerie. He said it's like the set of Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He said the son is all affected too. Howard said it has to be overwhelming for the son from the other marriage.
Howard said Lindsay Lohan is starting to sound like Charlie Sheen now. He played more of her audio. Howard said that they should have her, Charlie Sheen and some other nutty stars in a movie together. They could do a ''It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World'' remake.
Robin said the cast and crew of Spider-Man are waiting to hear if the opening date will be in March or delayed until June. Robin said that Howard might be right saying that the show will never open. Robin read some details about that story. They're trying to ''fix'' the play before they do open.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she was watching the Today Show today and asked if they saw Bree Olson on the show. She said that said that her teeth were small and yellow and she looked bad. Howard said that when you get married you do let yourself go. He said that Bree is going to have to keep herself looking good. The woman told Howard to watch it and see. Howard said he'll do that.
Robin had Howard play Rodney King's ''Can't we all just get along'' clip. She said that it's the 20th anniversary of his brutal beating in Los Angeles.
Robin said that the unrest in Libya continues. She said the world is wondering what to do about it. Howard said we should all just say away and let them deal with it. Robin had some audio of Muammar Gaddafi and a translator talking about what's going on there.
Robin read about how the whole Tunisia rebellion got started. She said that it's been spreading ever since. She said that everyone was relating to this little vegetable vendor who ended up lighting himself on fire after a scale was stolen from his cart. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about what's going on in Wisconsin. She had some details about the budget and how the state workers are protesting. Robin said that 14 senators have taken off and are in hiding.
Robin read about Newt Gingrich looking to get a nomination from the GOP to run for president. Howard said he can't imagine him getting in. Robin had some audio of someone talking about how he's really not suited to be picked.
Howard asked what happened to Oprah's sister. Robin said Gayle King said it was going to take some time. Howard said he wants to know more.
Robin read about how some women eat their placenta's to stave off post partum depression. Howard said his semen also helps. He said that women should line up for that. Howard said that eating the baby might be even better.
Robin had some audio of Mary Kate Olsen talking about a new movie she's in. Howard said he bets that she's good in bed. He said kooky equals good in bed.
Robin had some audio of Michelle Rodriguez talking about Battle Los Angeles. Howard said she's been on the show. He wondered what happened to her. Robin said she's out in Los Angeles working.
Robin said that Simon Cowell's The X Factor is starting later this month. She had some audio of him talking about how now is the time to find the next big star.
Robin read about Trent Reznor winning an Oscar and had some audio of him talking about that. Howard said that he looks like an accountant now. He was baffled. He said he used to think that he was the scariest guy around.
Robin had some audio of Johnny Depp talking about a new animated film he's going to be in called ''Rango.'' Howard said he doesn't get these animated films but he did like ''Toy Story 3.'' After hearing the clip Howard said Johnny is really deep. He said they should call him Johnny Deep.
Robin read about the problems the Mets are having and wrapped up her news. They ended the show around 10:05am.
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Jon also brought up Howard's Kimmel appearance and what Gary thinks about the pitch thing. Gary said he's not sure what to think. He said he hasn't seen the sketch yet so it doesn't seem funny to him at this point.
Jon went over some of the other stuff that happened on the show. He mentioned Andy Dick and Gary corrected himself on something he said about him. He said that Andy actually threw up in the studio, he didn't urinate.
Jason showed the guys the picture of Benjy with Kelsey Grammer and asked if they think Kelsey thought he was retarded. They all got a laugh out of that picture. Benjy said you can see that on Twitter @bronk.
Jon moved on to talk about Debbie from Debbie's Amazing Pets. Gary said she was out in the green room screaming and that's the reason they booked her on the show. Jon said the visual was great with her holding the bird on her shoulder flapping its wings and stuff. He said the bird apparently doesn't talk much anymore either. Gary said they say it's afraid of people.
Benjy thought that Gary had a bird growing up but he didn't. Gary said he and Mary got a Cockatiel and they loved that bird. He said that it died after about 4-5 years. Benjy said he finds birds really interesting. He said they seem like the most disgusting pet in the world. Gary said he thinks that some of them are. He said that some of them are worse than others.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he almost tuned away from that pet lady but he stuck with it and she was interesting. Gary said that when they started calling in with Artie, Iron Sheik and Ronnie it was great because she responded to Ronnie so much. Jon said Ronnie was in the hall laughing at those clips. He had Steve play some of that part of the show.
After the clip Jon said that went on for like 10 minutes. He asked Gary if he was surprised that Sal and Richard's penises came out so quick. Gary said nothing surprises him with those two. He said that she had a strange reaction to them. He said it was almost like modesty. Benjy said it was almost like a little kid thing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary has really tough skin to put up with what he does. He said he's not sure how he does it. He said he's bothered when people call in and don't say hi to Fred when they say hi to Robin and Howard. Gary said the caller didn't say hi to Benjy when he called in. The guy asked if Benjy is still taking Ambien. Benjy said he doesn't do it all the time. The guy thinks that Benjy is in denial about something but it wasn't clear what the guy thought he was in denial about. Benjy said it takes him a long time to sleep and he has to take it at work so he can go to sleep when he gets home.
Jon asked JD what he wanted to talk about since he just came running in. JD said he didn't come running in but he did end up talking about how he had some pet birds growing up. He had one that he remembered but one that he didn't. He said they lasted a couple of years. Gary said he actually did have a bird but the dog ate it. He said that was when he was very young so he didn't remember much about it.
Jon said he was talking to Sal in the hall about the Lyme disease thing and Sal doesn't want to go the doctor. He told him he's just going to take the medication for it. Gary said he's what they call a Cybercondriac. He said you'd think he'd wanted to know he has what he's taking medication for. The guys went to break a short time later.
Jon said that Howard says that Ronnie has a way with women but Robin doesn't seem to believe that. JD said they did that show where they tested their pick up lines with the women. He started laughing so hard he wasn't able to get out another sentence. He had to rest for a moment. JD said it was funny to him.
Gary said he's been at strip clubs where Ronnie tells the girls what to do and they just do it. Jon asked Benjy what he thinks about it. Benjy said it might work when they're from the show and you tell them to do that stuff. Jon had Steve play some audio from that part of the show where Howard talked about Ronnie's way with women.
After that Gary talked about how Ronnie has some amazing stamina. He said that they went out and did an appearance once and Ronnie was out at the pool passed out on a lounge the next morning. He said he just stayed out by the pool that night.
Ronnie called in so Jon asked him if he's got the Twitter thing under control. Ronnie said his phone keeps locking up on him. Gary said he has to change the settings so he doesn't have the Twitter things coming to his phone. Ronnie said the phone is still counting and it's crewing up his phone. He said he has like 7,000 followers now. He gave out his Twitter account again and said that it's going to get screwed up again.
Gary said the fake Ronnie guy on Twitter is really funny. There are also fake Steve Langford and a fake Benjy Bronk.
Ronnie said he can't even get his own email address or his own name on Twitter. He said he ended up with that other name.
Jon asked Ronnie about his skull t-shirts and stuff like that too. He asked the guys if they think that Ronnie is as approachable as always. Gary said he seems to be. He said he doesn't think that it affects his work there either. Ronnie said he's cool with taking pictures with people and things like that. He said he's not an asshole when it comes to that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the only reason Ronnie has any attention is because he's on the show. Ronnie said he knows that. The caller said he wasn't done and continued to go off on Ronnie. Ronnie said that this is just the haters calling in. The caller wanted a few seconds to talk but Ronnie kept interrupting. Jon and Gary wanted to give him 69 seconds to speak without being interrupted. The guy tried but he said that Ronnie isn't doing his job and he's a fuck up and it bothers him. The caller and Ronnie went back and forth arguing about that for a couple of minutes. Jon just let them go at it.
Gary wanted to wrap it up but Ronnie and the caller kept going at it. Ronnie said that this guy doesn't know anything about what he does up there. The caller said his job is security and he should be looking out for Howard and not playing around. Ronnie said the guy has no idea what he does there. Ronnie asked the guy what he does. Ronnie said that the caller just calls into radio shows all day. Gary said they were going in a circle there so they ended it.
Jon asked Ronnie if that guy is really a hater. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He said the guy doesn't know him so he doesn't know what he does up there.
Jon said Ronnie went over his list of most annoying people that come up there. He asked why Jeff the Drunk is the worst. Ronnie said he's always moaning and complaining and he's always asking for something. He said he doesn't shut up.
Jon asked Ronnie why Robin gives him a hard time about his way with women. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He said they get along off the air. He said he just doesn't know what the deal is. Ronnie said that he doesn't disgrace anyone and he's not raping anyone.
Jon asked Ronnie about Charlie Sheen since he's a big fan. Ronnie said that's the guy on that show. He's being himself on that show and he's not sure what their problem with him is. He said he's doing his job and he's not sure what the problem is. Ronnie said the show is great and it's top rated. Jon wrapped up with Ronnie after that.
Jon asked JD what he would suggest Ronnie do with his Twitter account. JD said he can see a lot of his one liners coming out on there. They had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Gary if Andy Dick knows what's going on. Gary said he's a really nice guy and he hasn't seen the Crazy Andy. He said that he's always seemed like a good hearted guy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ronnie and Gary always resort to asking the callers what they do for a living. Gary said he used to do that and he stopped doing it. He said he stopped 2 or 3 years ago. He said he sometimes asks what they do just because it's interesting. He said he agrees that his job is no more important than any other. Gary said people used to bust his balls about making fun of garbage men and he realized that it's an important job. Benjy said he thinks it's interesting and he really wants to know what they do because it's a part of who they are.
The caller also told them to follow Benjy on Twitter. He said the guy is a genius. Benjy thanked him for that. The caller said that Benjy gives great advice and he has good ideas. Benjy said he really appreciates that.
Jon asked JD if he has any updates on Ashley Dupree. JD said he thinks that she's happy with the boyfriend she has now. He said he didn't know that she had him back when he went out with her. He said they don't stay in touch now. Benjy asked who the final texter was. JD said it was probably him. He said he really didn't want to talk about it. He said he asked her if she had the boyfriend and she told him she did and said maybe they could all go out to a bar. JD said he probably said no to that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Andy Dick is a mess. Gary said he wasn't a mess today. He said the best call to the show was the time he was really wasted when he called in and got thrown into rehab later that day.
Jon took a call from Ass Napkin Ed. Gary said he got a call from him and he heard about how to get rid of his toe fungus by using a Clorox stick on it. Ed also said he thinks that Mariann from Brooklyn should have a show with that crazy pet lady from the show today. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how Lenny Kravitz has a really hot daughter. Robin wondered if it was Lisa Bonet's kid. Howard said t might be. The guys confirmed it was. He saw the picture of this girl in the new Rolling Stone magazine.
Howard said that the new Rolling Stone is coming out and they have a story about Sammy Hagar in there. They have an excerpt from his new book (Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock) and it's going to be great from what he can see. He said that he was reading about what Sammy had to say about Eddie Van Halen and the crazy stuff he did while he was in the band. He said was all kinds of crazy stuff going on.
Gary came in and told some of the stories he read in the article. Howard said Sammy said that it was so bad that they never shared a plane. He also writes that Eddie can't even play anymore and he's forgotten some of his greatest songs. Howard said that Sammy will be coming in and it should be a great interview.
Howard said they cut out some of Eddie's tongue because of the cancer he had. Howard said that Eddie thinks that it's not from smoking but from putting his pick in his mouth while he played. Howard said Eddie used to call him and tell him stories and that's when he heard that pick thing. He said that part of the treatment was to inject some part of the tongue into his body.
Howard said JD pulled a bunch of Charlie ''Winning'' clips. He had one where he says ''Duh! Winning!'' so Howard told Fred to use that one and the first Winning they started playing. He liked those two the best.
Howard said that Charlie got annoyed with a reporter who was asking him some annoying questions so that's where the ''Duh! Winning!'' came from. Howard said he likes his honesty. He said that's the kind of honesty that's going to come back and bite him in 20 years. Robin and Fred said it won't take him that long. Howard said he has gotten bitten in the ass by his comments at times. He knows what it's like.
Howard said he loves this line ''If you're coming into my world you have to suspend judgment.'' He said he's going to try that on for size. Robin said that's what Charlie said to them when they were talking to Charlie about his dad.
Howard played some more interview clips of Charlie talking to that reporter where he was getting annoyed. He was talking about his girlfriend's and how Denise Richards has been through the whole thing. He said she's been awesome and like a rock star.
Howard got to the game and gave Robin a statement. It was ''Bullshit. I fixed it with my brain.'' That was Charlie Sheen. Robin got it right. Howard read another one which sounded like Charles Manson to Robin. It was Charlie Sheen. Howard started to read another one but it was obvious it was Manson. Howard read some more and said the person who did the game didn't do a very good job. Here are a few more:
Howard said that was a fun game to play. He had some other stuff to play too.
Howard said after watching that show you'd think that 10 percent of the country is black and gay. Howard said there's eon guy on the show who seems very effeminate. Robin said she notices that in the auditions. She said there are tons of gay black men and they all want to audition for the show.
Howard said this one guy on Idol seems gay but he's not sure that he is. He said the guy was asked where he gets his talent and he pointed to the sky. He said that he seems to think that God gave him talent but not to everyone else. Howard said he thinks that he's so polarizing and out there that they could never hire him to do that show.
Howard said Charlie Sheen was on his show once after doing all of these other interviews. He said he was watching NBC News and the female anchor is talking about Sheen's problems and said that maybe he shouldn't go on the Howard Stern Show and do interviews. Howard said she was picking his interview out of all of them. Robin said that's what David Arquette's problem was too. She said it's crazy. Howard said the press hates him. Gary said the woman's name was Natalie Morales. Howard said he's going to check into her background. He wants to see what she's up to. He said that she may have been referring to Charlie talking about his girlfriend's and how they have two beds. Robin said he's done other things in interviews and said crazy things.
Gary said this Natalie Morales is the woman who mistook him for the Chilean Miner when he was making an appearance. Howard said he's been in his car a lot lately and yesterday he was listening to the show during the 3-4 hours he was in his car. He said he listened to the bird lady replay and now he knows why the fans love the show so much. Howard said it's one thing doing the show there and seeing it happen. He said he can't sit back and hear the show and look down and figure it all out. He said when they have the replays he can do that. Howard said he was just listening to a radio show and he didn't even think it was him doing the show. He said that the fake Ronnie drops call into the show and it had him cracking up. He said it sounds so wrong saying that but it's his favorite show. Howard said he thinks that guy does a perfect show. He said he does get critical of the show at times but it really is a great show to listen to in the car.
Howard said the Howard Stern Show is so funny. He said he was Tweeting about it yesterday. He said he now understands why they miss him when he's out. He said he does think the replays are great too though. Howard ended up replaying the part of Debbie the Pet Lady segment where the guys called in with the Ronnie drops and had him telling Debbie to get topless... ''T-O-P-L-E-S-S'' Howard cracked up hearing that replay.
After playing that Howard said he likes when he tells her to ''come up to the show'' and she doesn't realize what he's talking about.
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Howard said he would have to do a whole set up for his parents thing and now he has to put energy into this interview. He said now he has to go to his psychiatrist. He said he's missed a couple of sessions and he's got some creepy thoughts entering his head. He said he has to go.
Howard said he goes on vacation with Jimmy sometimes and he means something to him. He said he likes him very much. He said he loves the guy. Howard said Jimmy has been trying to get better looking so he'll be talking about that too. He said he kind of liked the charming slob that he used to be. Howard said he used to exercise just 2 minutes a day but not anymore.
Howard said he doesn't want to do this pre-interview but he'll probably end up doing it. He's going to end up laying around all day waiting for this interview to come around and he's not going to be able to sleep.
Howard said he doesn't want to watch the same stuff over and over so he was looking for more. He found one where a grandfather fucks the babysitter. Howard said that's the one he wanted to watch. He said he had no idea he was into that. He said that might be the creepiest thing to pick to watch but that's what he's into. Howard said he feels disgusted with himself. He asked what's wrong with him. Howard said this old man looks about 70 but claims to be 50. He said the babysitter is 20. He said he watched all 30 minutes of this video too. He said he was holding off on blowing his load so he could see the whole thing.
Howard said he was almost going to get rid of it because the girl had a bit of a belly. He said he kept it going because she ended up laying down so the belly went away. Howard said this girl was on the phone telling her friends about how she likes blowing guys. She's supposed to be in high school but she was easily 29 or 30. Maybe even 32. Howard said they had her in micro-mini-shorts and she was squirming around touching herself and all of that. Howard said the grandfather walks in and tells her that he's the grandfather and he's there to see his granddaughter. He was going to leave her to her disgusting phone call. Howard said she let the guy go upstairs to see his granddaughter without even checking to make sure he was who he claimed he was. Howard said he obsessed over that.
Howard said he was in his bathroom doing all of this so Robin asked why he was doing that if he was home alone. Howard said that's how he learned to do it and his bathroom is set up for that. Robin asked if he's going to get the new iPad. Howard said he thinks that the one he has is better for him because it's heavier and easier to balance on his leg. Howard said he goes to YouPorn and turns out the lights in the bathroom. He said the light from the iPad is enough to see.
Howard said he caught a glimpse of himself in his mirror last night. He said it's not a good thing. Howard said he's so disgusting.
Howard got back to the video he watched and told Robin the details about how this girl likes to feel guys grow in her mouth. The grandfather says no way to her but she tells him to just do it for a second. Howard said he's not sure why this turns him on. He said he was getting nervous for the guy because he was afraid that his daughter was going to come home. Howard said the girl takes the guy's cock in her mouth and the grandpa forgets that the kid is upstairs. They go into a session for 25 minutes and he bangs her the whole time. Howard said he was giving it to her good too. He said he thinks that he was identifying with the guy in some way. He said she was on all fours and he plowed into her so deep that she was almost in pain. He said he liked that. He said he fast forwarded through some of the scenes when they showed too much penis or vagina. He likes seeing the people in it. Fred threw in some Little Lupe audio clips at the end of that. Howard said that he had some of her radio show clips to play but he might not have time to do that. He said they have to get to the porn star pageant.
Howard said this guy Chad Diller does a John the Stutterer impression. He also does a High Pitch Mike impression and he did a song parody about his underwear party story. Howard played that song and said it was really funny. Chad's impression of Mike is spot on. Howard said it really sounds like him. Howard said he does that great John the Stutterer impression too. He didn't have an example of that to play though.
Benjy told Howard he was checking out the video he was talking about. He said the chick was really cute and her name was Cindy Jennings. Howard said he has to have JD pull some audio clips. He said he had no idea he was into that kind of stuff. He said there are so many choices but he goes right to the babysitter porn. Howard had Benjy read the list of choices he has to watch on YouPorn. Benjy wasn't able to find it very quick but he eventually read the categories. Howard said he has no desire to see anything but that babysitter stuff. He had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and talked about how great ZZ Top was. Robin said she heard they're going to be on some legends tour. Howard said no way. Fred confirmed that they were going to be on that cruise.
Howard took a call from a guy, Joe, who said he was calling in about the porn stuff. He said he knows what it's like to be into weird things like Howard is. Joe said he's into cream pies and pregnancy porn and he had no idea that he'd be into it. Howard said it disturbs the hell out of him that he likes the babysitter stuff. The caller told Howard about what the cream pie thing is and also told them that he loves the show and it helps him get through his day. Joe is in the military so Howard thanked him for that. He asked if he has ever shot an enemy. Joe said he never talks about that. Howard said he never talks about his service in Vietnam either. Howard said he keeps his mouth shut. The caller said a kill is a kill. Howard asked if he ever talks about it. Joe said he tries to keep it inside. He doesn't want people to think he's a braggart or anything. Howard told Joe how he got spit on when he came back from Nam. The caller kept calling Howard ''Mister'' so Howard said he kind of liked that.
The caller said he's kind of in the public eye and he doesn't want to brag about what he's been through. He said he sees a lot of young kids who are disrespectful these days but there are some kids who are willing to join the service.
Howard said he used to go on bivouac and Robin called him out on that word because she didn't think he knew what it meant. Howard wanted the caller to tell them what it meant. Robin said it's when you camp out. Howard was saying it like it was when he'd get some time off from the service.
Howard asked the caller how he jerks off. The caller told Howard how they do it and how often he can do it. He said that they have to deal with the flies and the smell of shit in the portable shitters. He said that they can use iPods and things like that if they have one. He said that they may borrow each other's computers too. Howard said he would imagine that it would be a good time to goof on Joes while they're doing it. He said it's great that they respect you enough to leave you alone.
Howard asked Joe if he gets his balls busted for watching cream pies and pregnancy porn. Joe said that it's not a problem.
Howard asked Joe when he cums with the cream pie thing. Joe said that he kind of gets off in the middle of it. He said he likes the sound of the girl getting into it. Howard said he imagines being in the middle of Iraq and beating off. He said he thinks he could kill the enemy no problem but talking about beating off would be tough.
Howard asked Joe if he's still in the military. The caller said that he's not deployed right now. He said there are a lot of guys who have done more time than he did. Howard asked if he's in the service for life. He said that he might as well be.
Howard told Joe that he was over in Nam and he took the teeth out of the teacher's head from the school he blew up. He said he used the teeth as checkers on a checker board. Howard wanted Joe to share a story too. Joe jokingly said he killed a dog but took that back.
Howard said he admires this caller. He said he's like a super hero to him. The caller said they do their part and Howard is doing his part for the country. Howard asked if he's lost any friends. Joe said that he did lose some guys and it bothers him. He said there are guys who he told he could get home and he wasn't able to keep that promise.
Howard said he's pretty sure that all of his guys would have come back dead. He said they would have hated him and they probably would have killed themselves.
Sal came in and told Howard about the cream pie porn. He said that it can get even worse when the guys suck their own semen out of the women. He said he has seen it and he can't deal with it. The caller, Joe, said he doesn't get into that either. Sal told Howard and Joe about some other stuff that these women do with the cream pie things. Joe wasn't into all of that. Howard said he was going to put Joe on hold and have Sal send him some free porn. Howard said he sounds like his kind of guy. Howard said he's proud of him and told him not to stop killing the enemy.
Howard asked what kind of guns he carried. He said he carried an M204 and an M9 among others. Howard asked what his favorite is. He said he prefers the 556. He said you can take people out from a distance. He said he's a good marksman too. He said he qualified as an expert in his last test. Howard said that's so much better than video games. Joe said that there is no reset button in real life.
Joe thanked Howard again for helping him get through the day. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Joe before letting him go.
Howard had some audio from the porn he was watching last night. He said that JD had pulled that for him. Howard played the clip and described what was going on in the clip. Howard said he was busy beating off to this stuff. Robin said that he's just doing this radio show and there are senators and Presidents who do this kind of thing.
Howard played more of the clip and the babysitter is talking on the phone to her friend as the grandfather walks in. Howard cut it off and said he has to get to the porn star pageant. Howard said all of the women who are competing today have been with Charlie Sheen. Howard said this is going to be great.
Sal told Howard there's a new fetish out there where big fat black guys bang really petite white women who are forced to beg for black babies. He told Howard what they're like. Howard told him to pull some dialog from those. Sal said he would do that. Sal told Howard that they have that stuff on a site called XHamster. Howard told him to go back and pull some clips.
Howard said the cops busted her and then they opened up her pocket book after she said she didn't have a prescription for the drugs she had in there. She had some pot too but nothing will happen to her. Howard said she doesn't have a job or anything because her father gives her money. Howard said that's some guy's building and she's not thinking about what she's doing.
Howard spent a minute goofing on the whole situation and Fred played some Henry Hill coughing clips as he was doing his impression of Keith Richards coughing. Howard said he can just imagine Keith disciplining her. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and started the Porn Star Pageant. They had an opening announcement as they started it. He introduced Howard Stern and Howard said they love pageants on this show. They have a $10,000 prize from Beezid.com. Howard said they have 3 women in today and all 3 of them have slept with Charlie Sheen. Howard said that maybe they didn't sleep with him but they were in the room with him and maybe they had sex or maybe they didn't.
Howard said that the first woman in the pageant is Kacey Jordan who was on the show recently. Howard introduced her and said that they're judging on beauty and personality. Howard talked to Kacey about her appearance on the show where she talked about being with Charlie. Howard said that she was in the paper again this morning. He said they had a picture of her in a bikini on a bed. She said they shot that yesterday. She waned a copy of that. Howard said she can have his copy if she wants. She asked if it was sticky.
Howard said he asked Charlie about why he pays women when he called in earlier in the week. Howard asked Kacey why she thinks he does. She said she really doesn't know. Kacey said she has a client who likes to give her money and gifts and then tells her to get out. She said it's like a fetish for that guy so maybe that's what it's like for Charlie. Howard said he was reading about how Charlie likes porn girls because he can preview them watching their movies.
Howard asked Kacey if she's jealous that Bree Olson and that Nat chick are living with Charlie. She said she's glad that she's not a part of it. She said she wouldn't want to watch him die slowly over there. She said they're going to go down in the ship with him.
Howard asked Kacey if she's still drinking. She said she took 3 weeks off of drinking but last night she got wasted. Howard said he heard that she was so out of it this morning that she had a hard time getting there. She said she actually had no problem. She's a pro and she was ready to go.
Howard said he heard that Kacey announced she was pregnant and the baby might have been Charlie's. She said she got an abortion and didn't have sex until last night. She said she got the abortion done in Oregon like she told them when she was in last time. Gary said that she told them that she wasn't having sex but she was having anal.
Howard asked how she discovered she was pregnant. Kacey said she was late and she had cramping. She felt like shit so she thought she might have an STD or something. Then she took a pregnancy test and it turned out positive. She said she doesn't want to have kids and wants to get her tubes tied. Howard said she could be set for life if she had that baby. Howard asked if she told Charlie about it. Kacey said she didn't right away. She said that she texted him and told him after he did the Dan Patrick show. She said she didn't think he sounded very good so she had to talk to him about that.
Howard asked Kacey if she thought about what she said about Charlie in the press since he did pay her 30 grand. She said that she wanted everyone to see how bad he is and now everyone is seeing his gold teeth and how he's acting lately. She said that it's all showing now.
Howard asked Kacey if she wants to get back with Charlie. She said she hasn't spoken to him recently. She said she has chosen to stay out of it for now. Kacey said she did tell him about the baby. She said that he told her to let him know how it all goes. She said he always signs off with XOXO. Howard said it could have been his baby but she may not know. Kacey said that she was with some other guys but not with that many. She said it could have been one of 3. She said the other guy is a celebrity but she won't say who it was. Kacey said she doesn't want to get black listed.
Howard asked Kacey if she's ever gotten arrested for being a party girl. She said she hasn't. She said they get paid to ''party'' so it's not really prostitution. Kacey told Howard that she fucks her dentist and that was a something that she fantasized about. She said she's getting $40,000 worth of veneers for free. Howard told her not to get them. He said that they always look so fake. She said they'll just be nice and white. Howard said they'll look so fake though.
Howard said Kacey fascinates him. He said that she didn't ride the Sybian because she was bleeding from her kidneys. Kacey said she isn't bleeding anymore. She said she took her 3 weeks off from drinking and took her medication and it all cleared up. Howard said she's only 22 and her kidneys are failing. Robin said it's not kidney failure, she's just got a urinary tract infection. Howard said she was peeing blood last time she was there. She said it kind of hurt too. Kacey said she drank a lot last night and some guy was buying her drinks. She said she got shit faced. She didn't bang the guy or anything.
Howard asked what this dentist fantasy is about. She said that she doesn't know what it's about but it's great. She told Howard that her friend fucked the same dentist. Howard asked how she brings it up to the guy. Kacey said that they went out for drinks after he worked on her. Howard asked how that even comes up. She said he was asking her about his new car and if she liked it. Howard asked where she goes to fuck him. She said she just went to a hotel. She told him to just fuck her ass. She said the whole thing is kind of weird though.
Howard asked if she fucked the dentist last night. She said that was someone else. Howard asked how many times she has to fuck the dentist to get the veneers. She said she doesn't have to do him after that. She said that she will stop after she gets them. She said he's very nice so she may fuck him as a courtesy once in a while.
Kacey told Howard she got ''Superman'd'' last night. That's where the guy dropped his load on her back and then threw the sheet on her. Howard asked about the fucking and Fred threw in some fart sounds which she really likes. Howard said she's an amazing girl.
Howard said that Kacey is going to be tough to beat. He said she's gorgeous. He said they haven't met the other girls yet. He got in another plug for Beezid.com which is their sponsor. Howard said there's a second place prize of an LG HDTV and Blu-ray player. Then there's an iPad and other stuff for third prize.
Howard asked Kacey if she wanted to show the judges her body naked. She said that she would do that. Kacey took her top off. Howard told her not to get implants because he loves her breasts. She said she thinks implants look retarded. Howard said he likes her small boobs. She said they're just an AA-cup. Howard liked that.
Howard asked Kacey what got her the call to Charlie's house. She said it was her puffy vagina. Howard had her show that again. Howard also asked about the size of Charlie's penis and if it's really that small. She said that it was normal to her when she saw it.
Howard said he heard that Kacey has a problem with Capri Anderson. Kacey said she prefers not to know her. She said she doesn't like her crying and crap in her interviews. She said she feels like she's lying. Howard had Kacey take a seat and then brought in Capri.
Howard asked Capri about what happened to her. She said that she saw some abuse. Kacey said she didn't see that when she was with him and he was on a bender at the time. Howard said Capri went to dinner with Charlie and Denise Richards was there. She said it was very exciting for her to see her. She said she had no idea that she was going to be there.
Howard asked Capri what she has going on. She said she just signed with Vivid for a year. Howard asked Kacey if she wishes she had a contract. She said that they don't make a lot of money so she's glad she doesn't have a contract. Capri said that she has a great deal and she is going to be making good money. She said they were very generous.
Howard asked Capri about what she'll be doing now. She said she's going to be doing strangers now. She didn't do that in the past.
Howard said that Capri was with Charlie Sheen at that dinner with Denise Richards and asked how that went. Capri said she didn't even know who she was having dinner with until she got there. She said there were a bunch of other women there as well. She said that he was a lot of fun in the beginning of the night but it went sour. Howard asked if she's a party girl who drinks a lot. He asked if she's ever had blood in her pee. She said that she hasn't.
Howard asked about how Denise Richards had left in the middle of the dinner that night. Capri said that she did get uncomfortable and left. She said she felt really bad about what went down that night. Capri claims that Charlie got physical with her. Capri said that they said that she stole his watch but she thinks that they did that because they were doing damage control. Kacey said she believes that she stole the watch. Capri said a lot of America does.
Howard asked Capri what happened that night. Capri told Howard that she went back to the hotel and hung out with Charlie for a while. She said that he had a Charlie Brown tattoo on his chest so she made fun of him for that. He asked her if she puts out for guys she's not into. She said she won't do them. Kacey said she did a 500 pound guy who sweat all over her and she could smell taint cheese and stuff on him. She said she had to sanitize everything after that. Howard said that sounds tough. Capri said she's never had a guy like that.
Howard asked the girls if they ever fantasize about Charlie falling in love and sweeping them off their feet. Capri said it's just business for her. Kacey said she thinks he looks like the crypt keeper so no way. Howard asked about Bree Olson and what they think of that. Kacey said that's her thing and she's making her money so that's great. She said that Bree is very nice and there might be a little something there for her.
Howard asked what kind of money she can be making. They figured it's in the hundreds of thousands. Capri said that she was offered 25 grand in cash after the whole story broke about her. She said that she's assuming that Bree is getting a lot of money to hang around him.
Howard asked if they think Bree is thinking this will make her the most popular porn star in the world. Howard said it might be a smart business move. Kacey said Bree is cashing in big time. Howard asked if they think Nat can really be in love. Capri said there was some weird jaw action going on with her. Howard said he noticed that too.
Capri told Howard that she took her dress off for Charlie that night. Howard said these girls are so free. He said that maybe they should get it on. Kacey really doesn't like her for some reason. Gary asked Kacey why she's so protective of someone she met for just a day or a week. Kacey said she spent a lot of time talking to Charlie while he was high on cocaine. She said there's a lot of time to talk when you're high like that.
Howard asked Capri about her night with Charlie and what went wrong. Capri said they had a drink and Charlie went off to the side and she was checking her phone. She had taken her phone out to check the time and she was in her underwear at the time. She said she heard him snorting something. then he took off his shirt and he started in on his rant about something she didn't understand. She said she thought about leaving but she stuck around. They made out for like a second and then it turned sour. She said they started with some sexual activity but they really only made out. Capri said Charlie got physically violent after he snapped. She said that she started to resist him but she didn't want to get into that because she has a pending lawsuit.
Capri said she got off the bed when he got physical. Then he threw the lamp at her and started smashing stuff. Kacey asked her why she's suing him if he apologized to her and offered her money. She said she's trying to teach him a lesson. She said that he can't be doing stuff like that. Kacey said that sounds kind of mean.
Kacey doesn't seem to think that she went through as much as she says. She said that she sucks dick for a living and she can't be upset about a lamp being thrown at her. Howard asked Kacey if she's ever been attacked while on a job. She said she hasn't. She said she was choked out a little bit but that's just part of the job.
Howard asked Capri if she's happy with her life. Capri said she is. She's doing some feature dancing and things like that. Howard asked if she can show them anything. She showed the guys her butt.
Howard said the girls pictures are up on HowardStern.com.
Robin asked Kacey why she doesn't believe Capri's story if Charlie really did trash the hotel room. Kacey said that she got angry because she wouldn't give Charlie a blow job. Capri said that's not why he snapped. She said that the story is all in the police report. She said that anyone can read that if they want. Capri said that she never said she wouldn't blow him. She said that she was on her way to doing that but Charlie went off on a rant. She said the watch stealing thing was damage control in her opinion.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that she does the back room casting couch porn. That's what Howard likes to watch. Howard asked if she did that. Capri didn't even remember. She's only been in the business for four years. Howard said he thought those were all real.
Howard said he can tell that Kacey is annoyed. She said she's actually amused. Howard said they have one more contestant.
Howard asked Melanie about what she does in porn. She does just about everything but she's never done anal. She's only 19 years old. Kacey said they were in the hotel room together last night and they had a little fun.
Howard asked Melanie if she was molested as a child. She said she was not. Capri said she wasn't either. Kacey said she wasn't either but she wished she had been. Howard said she looks like she needs a drink.
Howard asked Melanie if she had a strict family. She said she did and they were not happy when she got into this industry. Melanie said she had a job in an office before this. She said she wanted to try something new and figured she could try this for a living.
Howard asked Melanie if she would recommend this for other women. She said that some of them can't handle it so she wouldn't do that. Melanie told Howard about how she used to cry after scenes and stuff like that. She said that she's mentally strong so she can take it.
Howard asked Capri if she's strong too. She said she is. She said some girls get into the business and they don't know what they're getting into.
Howard asked Melanie about what it was like being with Charlie. She said that he loved her ass. She showed them what that was like. Howard asked how she got hooked up with Charlie. She said a friend set that up. She said she loved Charlie and she knew of him. She said that she just thought he was a nice guy and didn't even think about his fame. Howard said that she claims that she had sex just twice even though she hung out with him about 20 times. She said there were always other women around. Howard said it must cost him a fortune to throw these parties. Melanie said she thinks that he does it just to have company around.
Howard asked what she got paid to be with him. She said that she was keeping that between them. She said that she got some good money and it went up the second time.
Howard asked Melanie if she saw any violence. She said that she did and she was the one who would calm him down. She said that he always had reasons though. She said that one of the girls got really drunk and she crashed into two cars when she left. She came back and denied it and Charlie got mad at her for denying it. Howard asked if she ever got a car from Charlie. She said she got to drive his Bentley but he didn't give her one. Howard asked what he did when he got mad. She said he just yelled.
Howard asked Melanie about this porn star house that Charlie has talked about doing. Melanie said she heard about that and so did Kacey. Howard said they must be upset that he's not doing it and denying he even had the idea. Kacey said that she wouldn't want to be there because he would be overdosing all the time there.
Melanie said that she really likes Charlie and she thinks that he's mad at her because her name was thrown into some other stuff that she wasn't involved with. She said that she does her thing and doesn't need to sell stories. Melanie said that Kacey dropped her name and that's why Charlie is upset with her. Howard asked if Kacey did that. Kacey said she didn't so it must have been someone else who told TMZ about it. Melanie said that she knows some other people who were there and she knows that she wouldn't do that.
Howard said it seems like Kacey doesn't like Capri and Melanie doesn't like Kacey. Kacey said she sold her story because she thinks that Charlie needs help and she wanted people to know what he was up to. Melanie said she thinks that he can do what he wants and he can clean himself up and he knows his limits.
Howard said he doesn't get why Charlie didn't have sex with Melanie more than he did. She said she didn't either. She said he's so much fun that it's always great to be around him. Howard asked about the size of his cock. She said that she'd say it's at about 7 or 7 1/2. She said she's never seen an 8 and a half like he claims.
Howard asked if the sex was good. She said it was. She said they used rubbers. Kacey said they did too but they kept falling off. Capri said it might be the lambskin condoms because they're supposed to be the most real feeling.
Howard said that Melanie claims that she had money deposited right into her account by Charlie's people. She said that did happen.
Gary came in and asked about the time Charlie fell asleep inside her. She said that it was probably the drug use. She said that it just never seemed to be the right time for them when they were together. Howard said he could never fall asleep inside of her. He said she's so hot.
Capri said that she's been with guys that she wants to fall asleep inside of her when they're done. She said that she can imagine doing that.
Howard asked the girls if they need cock. Melanie said she needs it on a daily basis. Capri said she does too. So does Kacey.
Gary asked what they were voting on exactly. Howard said he wasn't sure. He took a call from a guy who asked how many teeth Charlie has in his mouth. Melanie said he has like 2 or 3 gold teeth and they're kind of cool. Kacey said she thought it was off putting and all she could think of was Lil John. Capri said she didn't notice the gold teeth. The caller also asked if they would ride the Sybian. Howard said they had to judge first.
Howard took another call from a guy who wasn't getting his thoughts out fast enough. Howard hung up on him.
Gary wanted to start the voting. He said he has an idea on how to do it. Robin said she had no idea. Howard said he did. They're playing for $10,000 and only one person is going to win that. He asked the girls if they're going to get mental on him if they don't win. Melanie said that she and Capri have a deal to buy something nice for the other person if they win.
Melanie said that she thinks that Kacey is making an ass out of herself doing what she's doing. She said she sold herself and she's acting like a total whore. Kacey admitted that she is a whore. That's what she does for a living. Capri was on Melanie's side. The girls argued for a minute.
Howard said he would fuck all three of them if he was single. Gary said that Charlie really is a winner after seeing these girls. Melanie said that she's been hearing that ''Winning'' thing for a while now. She said he's been saying that a long time.
Howard asked Kacey if she was okay. She said she's actually having a good time there. She thinks that the other girls are jealous. Melanie said that she's not jealous. Kacey said that Melanie isn't going to win, just look at her. Melanie said that she thinks Kacey is a gorgeous girl even though she doesn't like her personally. Kacey said she thinks the same about Melanie.
Howard said he would never fall asleep in any of them. He said he could get them all loving one another. He said that there is some infighting going on though. Howard said they care about their title.
Kacey said that she just wants to win this beauty pageant. Howard said this is more than a beauty pageant. He said it's more than that. He said it's about what's inside too. The girls were still throwing little jabs at one another as they were talking about that. Kacey said she likes the honesty that's coming out of them. She said they're getting vulgar. Melanie said that she wanted to kill Kacey after she mentioned her name in the press. Kacey said she never did that and she's going to leave it at that.
Ralph called in and said that the girls should figure out who is ratting them out. He said that hookers are supposed to keep their mouths shut. The girls said they're not hookers. Ralph said that their job is to keep their mouths shut so that's what they should do.
Capri said that she had to go out and get a lawyer after the whole story broke. She didn't break the story herself. She said she didn't want to be in the press for that story. She said that she's not even sure who called the cops.
Howard asked the girls if they were ready. Of course they were. Gary started off judging and said he's ruling Capri out because she had a brief encounter. Gary said Melanie is really cute but he likes the train wreck that is Kacey. He said that there is no code of ethics between call girls and that's how he's judging. He said he's giving his vote to Kacey. Melanie and Capri weren't happy about that.
Howard had Fred cast his vote. Fred said that they're all smoking hotties but Capri didn't use her vagina with Charlie. She just hid in the bathroom. She said that she will show them her vagina if they want to see. She did that but it didn't change Fred's mind. Fred said that he's giving his vote to Kacey. He liked the stories she told.
Howard went to Ronnie the Limo Driver next. Ronnie said that he didn't dig the girls coming in and tag teaming Kacey. He said that they all threw Charlie under the bus by talking about him today. He said he's voting for Kacey too. Howard said he's shocked.
JD gets a vote too so Howard had him give his vote. JD said that Kacey is the only one that sold her story. He said they were all honest and he's voting for Capri based on looks alone. He said he's already following her on Twitter.
Howard said that he was going to get a woman's vote next. He went to Benjy. Benjy said that Melanie is out because she's not white. He was just kidding. Benjy said that Capri has a great body. She felt like taking her clothes off because of that. Howard told her to just do it. Benjy told her to get on all fours. He said that she looks like Lindsay Lohan a little bit. Benjy said that he can't stand how Kacey rips into someone the way she does but she's so smart and so strong that he has to give her his vote.
Howard said that Capri got naked for that. Howard told Kacey to take something off too. She said she was strapped tight but she'd take it off. Gary gave her a ''Wow!'' when he saw her.
Robin said she has no idea how to vote. She said they were all great. Howard said he would vote then. He said that Kacey is a doll. He said she's beautiful. He said Capri has a great body too. He said she's smokin' hot. He said Charlie Sheen is the man. He said the two of them are amazing. Howard said he didn't like how Melanie and Capri teamed up on Kacey. Melanie said that she doesn't like her because she's not a nice person.
Howard said he was going to vote for Melanie because she didn't get any votes. She didn't want a pity vote. Howard said he would give it to Kacey then. Howard announced the winners and what their prizes were. He said he likes the prize that Melanie was getting for third place. She was super happy about the iPad and the camera she won. Howard said they're all winning.
Howard had Max from Beezid.com come in and present Kacey with her $10,000 check. Max congratulated her on the win. There were a couple of girls with Max so Howard asked what their story was. They were part of the presentation and the girls said they had never been with Charlie Sheen.
Howard said he thinks he has had enough of all of them and wrapped up the pageant. Howard said they were all ''Winning!'' He went to break a short time later.
During the break Howard said he forgot to give the girls their plugs. He said that a couple of them are going to be at Scores tonight. He also said that Kacey is on PornHub.com and Capri is a new Vivid girl.
Howard came back after the song was done. He said he would have liked to have heard that. He told Fred to play it again. Fred started to play it but Howard said he was just kidding.
Howard said those girls were something. He said they should have a good TV show there. Howard said they've had Bree Olson on the show a few times and he seems to remember her not liking Charlie. He said he had a clip of her talking about him one time she was in. In the clip she said she wouldn't want to be with him and she didn't have any respect for him. That was just last year that she was saying that during the Biggest Whore contest.
Howard said he loves Bree. He said he thinks that Melanie left there upset that Kacey won. He said she didn't leave really upset and crying or anything though. Robin said that they don't know that they're not in that hooker code they have.
Howard wanted Robin to start her news after Fred played her into it with a Little Mikey song parody. Howard mentioned that he's going to be in Jimmy Kimmel tonight. He said that he was throwing a fit during the commercials. He said that his audio stuff kept changing. Howard played a clip from Jimmy's show where he previewed his appearance. Jimmy said that he heard Howard saying that he didn't want to do it and he couldn't wait until it was over. He said it should be a fun interview.
Howard said he wasn't kidding either. He said he loves when the show is over because he can go home and sleep. He said he's a nightmare and a mess and he doesn't have fun. He said he doesn't want to disappoint Jimmy though. He said a real friend wouldn't invite him on his show. He said a real friend wouldn't have him on.
Howard said he made the mistake of asking to go on those shows. He said he signed the new contract and he wanted to go out and promote the new app. He said that no one else there does anything to promote Sirius. He said Oprah put one ad in the paper and that was it. He said he's not sure if they paid for the ad. Howard said he's not included in any decision around there. He said he thought that he would be part of the whole thing but that was bullshit. He's jut a paid employee like everyone else. He said he wouldn't be surprised if he had to pay that fucking Oprah for that ad.
Howard said he's not sure why he cares but he does. He said that he wants that place to be successful and he thinks it's the greatest place in the world for broadcasters to work. Howard said he agreed to do some promotion on Piers Morgan's show and then he did Letterman. He said he did the Rolling Stone interview and now he's done with it. Howard said he feels done. He didn't know he was going to get sick but he should have assumed he would. Now all he wants to do is hang loose with his photography equipment but he can't get a break. Howard said he's doing Jimmy's show because he's a dear friend.
Howard said Don Rickles and Bob Newhart used to go on vacation as friends. He said that he and Jimmy do the same thing and their relationship is kind of funny. He said that Jimmy was kind of a fatso with dark racoon eyes and that's a guy he can talk to about radio. He said he's funny as shit and he's not that physically active. He said he's going to stop talking about it now and talk to Jimmy about it on his show instead. Howard said he's not looking forward to doing the interview via satellite. It sounds like one big disaster to him. He said he's sorry he agreed to do it.
Robin started her news talking about a man in Illinois who wound up sending $200,000 to someone he never met thinking that he was in an internet relationship. Robin said the guy called the police and they found out that he was scammed. He was only promised love and that's what he gave all of this money for. Robin said that he sent money all over the world for this person.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked about the porn he watches and if his mom ever calls. Howard said of course he doesn't get a call. He said he's 57 years old. Benjy asked if he has ever had his mom call about anything in the past few years. Howard said she hasn't. He said he didn't want to talk to Benjy and shut off his mic again.
That led to Fred paying a bunch of Charlie Sheen audio drops. Howard said Norm MacDonald had some great lines about Charlie. JD said Norm said he's sitting around hoping that Charlie doesn't get better. Howard had to have JD talk slowly because he was screwing it up. Benjy got it and read it to Howard. He said ''Haven't heard anything from Charlie Sheen lately. Hope he's still not all right.'' Steve Martin had some great ones too. Steve said that he wants to be bad like Charlie so he's going over the details with his wife. Sarah Silverman also Tweeted ''Whining! - Charlie Sheenstein''
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a woman who held on to her husband's hood while he drove at speeds up to 100 miles per hour. She was on there for 35 miles. Robin said the guy just kept driving.
Robin read about Justin Bieber and how he cut his hair. They auctioned off some of his hair and it went for over $40,000. Robin said that he was out for dinner with his girlfriend and he flipped the paparazzi the bird. Howard said that he's got that goody two shoes thing going so he can't be doing that. He has to calm the fuck down.
Robin read about some new fitness tests the military is going to be doing. That somehow led into them talking about how great Jimmy Fallon's Charlie Sheen impression was last night. Howard said the guy is good at impressions except when he does his Howard Stern.
Robin read about the prices of gasoline going up. She said that some people are paying $4 a gallon already.
Robin read about a woman whose husband was killed by pirates in Mexico. That woman is now telling people to avoid going to Mexico. Howard said he unbooked his trip there last year. He said he's also not going to Somalia. Howard had some audio of that woman talking about avoiding Mexico. Robin also had some Charlie Sheen updates before they went to break.
After the break, around 10:00am, Robin got back to her news and read about a college basketball player who admitted to having pre-marital sex and that broke the school's code. Robin said he may be dismissed from the school and not just the team. Howard said that a deal is a deal. He said that everyone knows sex is bad, evil and dirty. Robin said the school says that you have to avoid all substance abuse and attend church regularly. Howard said with any luck you get hit by a car.
Howard gave the porn star pageant girls some more plugs since he had forgotten to do that earlier. Robin read some news about last night's American Idol. She had some clips of some of the performances and Howard went over some of those giving some advice to the contestants.
Robin got back to some more Charlie Sheen news. She read about his kids being removed from his home. They're saying that it could be a prolonged thing and he's being told he has to stay at least 300 feet away from them. Howard didn't know he had twin boys. He said that sounds like a great place for them to live though. Robin said that Brooke Mueller is saying that Charlie took the kids from her home illegally and kept them from her since. She claims that when she tried to get them back he threatened to cut off her head and mail it to her mother in a box.
Robin said that Christina Aguilera has landed a new job on NBC's The Voice. Robin said they're doing an X Factor kind of thing. Howard said he's getting burned out on singing competitions.
Robin read some news about Mickey Rooney begging congress to do something about elder abuse. She had some audio of him speaking to congress. Howard said Mickey is all for that now that he's elderly. Howard said he's pretty sure he could beat him up. He said he's just pretty sure though.
Robin said that the new iPad was announced yesterday and Steve Jobs showed up to announce it. Robin had some audio of the ovation he got when he showed up. Howard said he loves that guy. Robin said he looked very gaunt. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read some news about what the British are saying about what's going on in Libya. She had some audio of someone there talking about that.
Robin read about how the group that protests the fallen soldiers of the Afghanistan and Iraq wars have been thanking god for their win in the Supreme court. Robin had some audio of one of the women from the group talking about that.
Robin read about how FOX news has suspended Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum because they're talking about running for President. She had some audio of Rick talking about that.
Robin had some audio of Neil Patrick Harris talking about his new movie ''Beastly.''
Robin read about how Google is trying to recover some of the emails that they lost the other day. She said they have restored some of the users email. Google has also pulled over 50 apps from their Android app store because they had malware in them.
Robin read some news about a guy who was shot in the head and chest and a woman who was shot in the leg. Robin said that this guy was trying to unite the skin heads for some reason and he was taken down before he had the chance.
Gary came in and told Howard they had some breaking news about Paula Abdul. She called 911 last month when this guy she was with wouldn't stop his car. Gary said TMZ has the audio and Paula is frantic in the call. Howard played the 9-1-1 audio and Paula was crying as she told the operator that she wasn't able to get out of the car. Howard wondered how the cops found her with that awful cell phone service she was on. Robin said that she didn't press charges against the guy she was having the problem with. Howard said he can't imagine the guy who would want to lock himself in a car with Paula Abdul. He thinks that she'd be pretty annoying.
Robin read about the doctor who is accused in the death of Michael Jackson and how his case is starting in May. It's been pushed off a month. They ended the show a short time later, right around 10:25am.
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Gary said that he finds it amusing that they have a whole moral code. He said that Kacey is the best because she was telling the press everything. He said all three of them were hot.
Jon played a clip from the show where Melanie called Kacey out for selling herself out and making herself look like a total whore.
After that Jon said that it turned into a porn star in fight. Gary said that Kacey is delusional enough to think that she knows Charlie after two days. He said that she was also saying that for $50,000 she'd be back there again. He said that's what was so great about her.
Benjy said that all three of them had reasons for selling out. Benjy said Kacey's story changed since she was on the last time. She said today that she did it to get people to see how much of a mess he was. Last time she said she did it reluctantly because her sister put the story out there.
JD was in so Gary said that he thinks he voted for Capri because she had a great ass. JD said that Capri and Melanie didn't sell out to the press like Kacey did. JD said he went with personality and looks. He said he didn't like Kacey, especially after the look she gave him the last time she was on. Gary said he was biased then. Will was in so Jon asked him what Kacey said about JD. Will said she was probably disgusted with him like most chicks are. JD said he went based on looks. He said he would have gone with Melanie second.
Gary said he knows the door is closed on Kacey so he ruled her out right away. JD said he ruled her out because he doesn't like her as a person. JD said he doesn't know. He said she's just having anal sex to get teeth. Gary said that's why he voted for her.
Steve Brandano said that JD wants his whores quiet and that's why he went with Capri. Benjy said he voted for Kacey. He said that people seem to hate her on and off the air though. JD said she's arrogant. Benjy said she seems like a really strong person though.
Gary said he thinks that Robin and Howard should have to vote even if the contest is over. Benjy said they should probably write down their votes. Gary agreed.
Jon asked Will who he would vote for. Will said he would have gone with Kacey. He said he was down on her until today. He said she looked hot today too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that the pageant was bullshit. He said it was supposed to be a beauty pageant. He said that he would have voted for Melanie based on what she said. He said that Capri didn't spend much time with him.
The guys talked about the dentist story that Kacey told. Gary said that was interesting when she was talking about how she would do the guy as a pity fuck after she gets her veneers.
Jon said that Capri had the brief encounter with Charlie but it was hard to tell what happened there. She also talked about how she's suing Charlie and trying to make a point. Jon wondered what that point is though. They discussed that for a short time and tried to figure it out.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Kacey is a rat. He said he's seen her and he doesn't see it. He thinks that Melanie is hot and Capri is okay but she's suing the guy. He said he thinks the most genuine one is Melanie. Will said he thinks that Charlie felt most hurt that Melanie was going to be in this pageant today. They had to go to break a short time later.
Ronnie said he didn't dig Capri at all. He said she came in all timid and then she got bitchy and then she took her gloves off and ripped Kacey apart. He said that she was accused of stealing a $100,000 watch and that's no angel. Gary and the guys said that she was never found guilty of doing that.
Ronnie said that this show wasn't about ripping people apart. He said that they were just there to tell stories. He said they were ripping Kacey open and that's not right. He said that Melanie became a bitch too so he went off on her. Gary said that if Melanie was holier than thou she wouldn't have been on this show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie hit on the head and he was right about the two bitches. He said that Kacey was being most honest and she was the only one. He said the other two were being fake as hell the whole time.
The caller also said he sees why JD doesn't get the girls. He said that he likes the fakest chicks. JD said they don't know that. The caller said that Capri said she never got paid. Gary said that he's not sure if she did or not.
Benjy asked who Ronnie would pick just based on looks. Ronnie said Kacey looked great and he'd have to go with her.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if Howard is making the wrong decision going on Kimmel via satellite. He said that there's a delay there and he's not going to be able to play off the crowd. Gary said Howard did it once before and it worked. Gary said Howard is doing it as a favor for a friend too.
Another caller asked Gary why he didn't demand a Sybian ride from Kacey. Gary said the pageant went on for an hour and 45 minutes and he didn't want to ruin a good thing. He thinks that she'll be back on the show and they'll have her do it then. They had to end the show after that.
Best of the Week was over around 11:00am.