|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about how paranoid he is because he's doing Letterman this week. Gary has a sore throat today too so he's got to keep his distance. Howard said he's paranoid about getting sick. Robin said she was reading a story about how people come to work when they're sick. Robin said Gary should be wearing a mask. Gary said he would do that. Howard asked him to do that. Gary said he will wear one when he comes in the studio. Howard said he should be wearing it the whole day. Gary said if he had stayed home he'd be called a lazy fuck so he can't win.
Howard asked Gary to wear oven mitts too. He said that he didn't have a reason for that though. Gary asked Robin why she comes in sick. Robin said she never goes in where Howard is so she doesn't have to do that.
Howard said Gary said he was going to keep his distance but he came right over to him and stood over his shoulder plugging stuff in by him.
Howard said he has to do Letterman even though he hates doing it. He said he promised them at Sirius that he'd go out and do it. Howard said he hates being judged by Dave. Robin said Howard isn't being judged by Dave, he's just thinking he is. Howard said he's just putting it on Dave.
Howard said there are things he wants to bring up with Dave and Beth doesn't think he should. He said he had to tell her not to talk to him about that though. He said he doesn't want to interact with anyone but Robin, Fred and Gary. He said he can be honest there and not worry about it. Robin said he's being funny about this situation and he doesn't have to. She said that Johnny used to make fun of his own public indiscretions and Dave would probably do that too.
Howard said he might be bad on the show just so people leave him alone and stop asking him to do the show. Howard said he'll be like Janine Lindemulder and get tattooed so he can't be in porn anymore.
Howard said this prediction of snow this week is ruining his week too. He said he doesn't like all of this snow and he's not having fun with it. Robin said a couple of days in Los Angeles made things really nice. She said it was rejuvenating. It was in the high 60s and low 70s out there. She said it sounded so dreamy out there.
Howard said they can move the show anywhere once his daughter graduates high school. He said they should do something weird and just move to New Jersey. He said that would piss a lot of people off. Howard said nothing is holding him there in New York once his daughter is in college. He said that one of them lives out in California already.
Howard said something is always holding him back like his parents or something like that. Robin said they're not getting any younger. Howard said he's stuck there with the snow. He's not sure why they're still there. He said his mother told him a story about someone stopping by and helping them shovel. Howard said he talked about this last week and how they worry about someone coming to shovel them out.
Howard did his impression of his mother telling him about the last snow storm and how their gardener came and shoveled them out. Howard said that they were cleared out perfectly. Howard said then she told him that they came to plow the street and the pushed the snow on to their driveway. It formed a block of ice. Howard said she told him it was a block of ice that you've never seen. She said that Ben was out trying to shovel it out. She threw on some clothes and went out to tell Ben to stop. Howard said she told him that she told him to stop but he wanted to get his newspaper. Howard asked why they don't get a delivery. Ben doesn't want it. He wants to go out and get it himself.
Howard said she told him they were out there shoveling and a woman walked by and asked if they would like some help. She had an ice pick. She used that to help them out but Ben continued to shovel. Ray said she didn't want him out there so she was picking the ice up with her hands. Then a car pulled up and a young man stopped by in his truck and recognized them. He asked how Howard was doing. She said she was annoyed by that. She didn't have time to talk about Howard. Ray told him that the man helped clean up the whole driveway with his special shovel.
Howard said that he did that for his parents so he thanks him very much. Howard said he's glad that someone helped them out. Howard said he can't stop by to help but he offers to get someone to do it for them. Howard said that the gardener should have come back to shovel the ice. Robin said maybe he couldn't come back.
Robin accidentally said ''governor'' instead of gardener at one point so Howard pointed that out. Robin didn't believe she had done that and argued that she didn't. Howard insisted she had. Fred backed him up on that. Robin was willing to bet that she didn't.
Howard and Robin spent a little more time talking about this gardener thing. Howard said he was out of sorts today. He let out a fart at one point. Scott came in and told Howard that Robin said ''Garvernor'' earlier. Robin said she won then. Howard told Scott to pull the clip.
Howard took a call form King of All Blacks who said that they can't shovel the snow into the street before the plows come. He said that he has to plow and people hate that. Robin said one plow guy got attacked by a community when he plowed them in. King said that's happened to him too. He said they hate it when they do that but they have no choice. He said he has a 90 hour overtime check coming soon. Howard asked about the plows that heat up the snow and melt it. Robin said they make a river out of the snow. Howard said that's so cool.
Gary told Howard that out at his house he's started to get water in there. Howard told him to back to his office and talk to him. Gary went back there and told Howard that his gutters were frozen and they had to go up on the roof to get the snow off. He said that the water was coming into his mud room. He said that it's going to be a mess this week again. It's supposed to snow and rain so it's going to be a mess.
King said he's going to get like a $4,000 check for this over time. He said that he had a check for $4,500 for just two weeks last time. Howard said he's got a lot of time in doing that job so that's why he gets paid so well. He gets time and a half or double time on Sunday. King said he's going in at 12 tonight and he'll work until noon tomorrow. Then he goes home and gets the rest of the day off. He said that his wife wonders why he doesn't work his regular hours. He said it just doesn't work like that.
King said that's what happens when you don't go to college. He said ''Fuck college.'' King said he'll call his parents and say he doesn't have enough money after that. King said he just got a 55 inch TV this weekend.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that King is the guy plowing people's driveways in and he loves it. He said that he doesn't have to do that. King said that he does hope to himself that the snow ends up in the driveway. He likes when they do that. King said during the day time people will kill you. He said you can only do it at night. King said he can't avoid it most of the time.
The caller thinks that they push it up on the driveway on purpose when they could just push it to the end of the street or something. Robin said it ends up as high as everything else.
Howard asked King to explain it to him. He said that the snow is pushed off to the side. King said you go down the middle and you could lift up the plow by a driveway. He said that when you see someone standing there you want it to go in there. Howard said he doesn't get the whole debate because it all has to be pushed off to the side anyway.
Howard asked King if he's armed when he goes out. King said he carries a bat with him. He said he can't use it because he'll go to jail.
Howard asked King about the TV he was talking about earlier. King said he didn't get the TV, but he thought about it. He said he's not into 3D so he wasn't sure he wanted to get it or not. Robin said she went to see the new Narnia movie and it was in 3D and it made no difference at all. She said she didn't think the 3D was all that good. She said nothing was zooming out at her or anything. She said she gets sentimental at the movie and she was crying under her 3D glasses. Howard said he doesn't want that in his house. He doesn't need a 3D TV. Robin said you'd have to keep the glasses around and it's just another thing to look for.
Howard said he was playing with the Sirius XM app on his phone and Ralph was showing him that you can pause it to go back to it like a half hour later (not true). Howard said they don't do the TiVo thing because the music companies would get upset about that. Howard said he was listening to Dr. Laura on the app and he was getting into it. Howard said this woman called in and said that her husband was going to singles bars with his friends and Dr. Laura said that it's time for that guy to grow up. Howard said she did tell the woman the right thing and he liked that. Howard said he still doesn't like Dr. Laura as a person though.
Howard said he knows a lot of guys like that. He said that they go out when they're single and they don't get the concept of marriage and just be with their wife. Robin said that person married them and knew what they were up to. Howard said that's true but you don't get married and go out to singles bars. Howard said that's just not right. He said the marriage isn't going to work for long. He said it will lead to trouble.
Howard was saying that it's just wrong but then Robin said you can't tell someone that you have to do things your way. Howard said that Robin was filibustering and she didn't have to. Howard said Dr. Laura did the right thing telling that woman what the husband had to do. Howard said that you can't get married and go out to singles bars.
Howard said he's not sure why he's arguing with Robin. Robin said that people wonder why he never needs guy time. Howard said he does need that time. Howard said yesterday Beth was doing her thing and he likes to be alone when he has guy time. Howard said he's got a lot of things he wants to do. He said that he likes to be on his own when he's not with Beth. Robin said there are men and women who like to have time with their friends. She said that some guys want to go hang out at a bar. Howard said that they're going to pick up bars with friends. Howard said that's not going to lead to anything good. Howard said Robin knows it and he knows it.
Howard said Dr. Laura was right. Howard said Fred's wife went out to act and she got into a play where she was just about being fingered every night. Then she would go out to the bar with her cast mates. Fred said he didn't sign up for that. Robin said that Fred had to tell her what he thought and she chose to stay in her marriage and do the thing to make the marriage work. Robin said that's what the caller on Dr. Laura has to do. Robin said that it sounds like Dr. Laura was labeling him and that's not right. Robin said that guy doesn't have to do anything. She said that if he wants to save the marriage then he has to decide to do something. She can't force him into it. Robin said there are too many rules. She said it's a shame that they have these rules. Howard said that if he's into porno he gets sidetracked so he has to limit it to one or two nights a week. Howard said he's into his wife. He's not the same guy as that guy on Dr. Laura.
Howard said he's no fan of Dr. Laura. He said she's a hypocrite and she ended up there after saying that she would never work for the same company. Howard said she is also against gay people. Howard said she'll tell you she's not but it's obvious that she is. Howard said that's his beef with her. He said she's a hypocrite because she was telling someone how to be a good mom when she has a kid that might be screwed up. He said that's what he read in a rag mag so he's not sure if it's true or not.
Howard said this guy Charlie parties all the time. He said that it's non stop drinking and coke. Howard said he buys like 30 grand of coke for the night. Howard said the party goes on for days. Howard said the guy sits home watching porno for 2 and 3 hours at a time. He has an extensive collection and he collects it. Howard said he's studying this guy and he sounds like the most depraved human being on the planet. Howard said he doesn't need a whole collection.
Howard said he watches porn for 5 minutes and he's done. He said he can't imagine critiquing it. He said he heard that Charlie watches porn with the porn stars when he could just be having sex. Howard said according to Kacey Charlie's dream is to make all of this money and then buy a huge house and turn it into a porn commune. He wants to load up the porn house with porn stars and live there with them. Howard said the guy is like a little kid. Robin said that the rest of the family must have washed their hands of Charlie. Howard said Emilio Estevez seems to have his head screwed on straight.
Howard said Charlie must be insane or a massive genius. Howard said the genius part is that he's doing everything that a 13 year old would do. Howard said if he was 13 he'd be a genius. Howard said he has a penis and there's only so much he can take before he's disinterested. He said that Charlie is like a guy who has never had sex. Robin said she never should have tried the institution of marriage. Howard said he should have just tried an institution.
Howard played some audio of this Kacey talking about what she did with Charlie. Howard said he likes that she's totally honest about all of this. He said she's just telling it like it is. Kacey was talking about challenging Charlie to a drinking contest. Howard said that Charlie took that as an insult. Howard said that he would just tell the woman that's great and let her drink. Howard said you want women to chug down vodka but Charlie grabbed it and drank it himself.
Howard said that Charlie has been giving these women tons of money for coke and booze. Gary said the guy gets paid $1.8 million per episode of ''Two and a Half Men.'' Howard said he's got a lot of bills to pay too. Gary said that the show is syndicated and on DVD too so he must be making a lot. Howard said they have to triple his salary to afford all of this stuff he's doing.
Howard played more of Kacey talking about what she did with Charlie. She was saying that someone came over with a satchel of coke. She said he dumped out like 5 8-balls of coke on the table. She said she was staring at it in shock. She said that the guy left and the drugs began and it kept going into the morning. Howard wondered how you can stay up that long. Robin said that you do the coke to wake yourself up. Howard said that sounds like a nightmare to him.
Kacey talked about how they went and watched porn for 2 hours. Howard found that hard to believe. Kacey told the reporter about how much porn he has and how he just sat there watching it while hitting his little green coke pipe. Then she told the story about how he wants to have this giant house loaded with porn stars. After that she said she hopes that Charlie gets better.
Howard said she'll be coming in tomorrow. He said she claims that his teeth are all gone too. He played another clip where she talked about how he's like a zombie. She said that all of his teeth have fallen out and he has porcelain teeth and a lot of gold once. She said that she figured they all fell out from the drug use. Howard said he's a good looking guy and he'd like to know how he's holding it all together. Robin said it is pretty sad. Howard said he likes that he gets as high as a kite and watches porn for 2 hours. Robin said maybe he can't get it up and he's got Whiskey Dick.
Howard said they have Jeff Levy the vomit guy coming in next. Howard said he doesn't like the guy but Gary and Will convinced him to have him in. Howard said they'll talk to him and find out what he's up to. He said Benjy was telling him to have him on too. Howard said that's what happens to him in there. Everyone gets a hold of him and tells him to have this guy on. Howard said he thinks it's better to have someone like that in the studio even though he doesn't want him in there.
Howard said maybe later on Robin can explain to him what's going on in Egypt. Benjy said that's the stuff they can talk about with Jeff the vomit guy too. Howard said that he wants to know more about this Hosni Mubarak guy. He said he didn't know he was a dictator. He said he thought he just kept getting elected. Robin laughed. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he was at the Knicks game the other night. He said they won too so it was really cool. Howard said he was next to Tracy Morgan. Howard said he might be the most important celebrity out there since they kept talking about him being there. Howard said he gets to sit in the front row right in the center. He said that he has no idea how important he is until he goes to one of those games.
Howard said Carrie Underwood was there and she was upset that she wasn't in the front row. Howard said he's just an American Idol girl though. Howard said Benjy told him that she was upset that she wasn't in the front row but Howard was. Howard said maybe when she has a 30 year long career she can say that. Howard said she can go fuck herself. He said that she was kind of cunty to him back stage at some show he did. He said it may have been on Letterman. He said she acted like she was better than him. Howard said he's glad she had to sit in the third row. Robin said she's a girl who wouldn't have made it without that TV show. She said that she's no Justin Bieber.
Howard said he sat next to Tracy and he just had a kidney transplant. Howard said he looked pretty good after that. He said he lost some weight. Howard said he makes jokes the whole time. He said he was there with a really hot chick too. He said she was light skinned and may have been Asian. He wasn't sure. Howard said Magic Johnson was there too so he spoke to him for a while. He said he seems to be doing really well with the HIV thing and all.
Howard said most of the players get distracted when they see Magic there. Howard said Lebron was there and stopped to talk to Magic during the game.
Howard said he tried to find out who Tracy got his kidney from but he wasn't able to follow the story. He said the guy is really funny though. He said he was joking the whole game. Howard said Tracy didn't talk to the girl he was there with. He said that he was eating all kinds of food and the woman was paying for everything. He said it was her credit card. Robin said he gave her that card. Howard said that's just not the case. He said this chick was paying for herself and for him.
Howard said he thought the chick was Asian but Beth thought she was a light skinned black woman. Howard said Tracy was joking the whole time with him and Beth. He said that he was working them. Howard had a picture of them there and he saw Piers Morgan three rows back. Howard said that Beth was there too but they had a weird angle on that picture. He said that there's one picture of him and Tracy holding hands. Howard said he told Tracy how he was glad he was doing better and for his success. Howard said Tracy took his hand as he talked about that with him. He said that he wants that picture for himself.
Howard said it was him and Beth and then Tracy and his girlfriend. He said he's assuming it was his girlfriend. Howard said Beth tried to find out but he's always joking. Howard said that Tracy asked him a basketball question and he has no idea what to say. He said he told Tracy that he doesn't know anything. He said he barely knows who's on the team.
Howard said that Lebron James is great to watch. He said that it was pretty exciting to see. He said that the game was great too. He said Beth asked him to take a picture with Magic. Howard said she's never done that before. Howard said he had his Android phone and didn't know how to work the camera. Howard said he somehow got it to work though. Howard said Beth's brother idolized Magic so she had to show it off to him. Howard said Spike Lee walks in dressed like one of the Knicks. He said he really makes the game about himself. Howard said the guy does this weird thing where he sees Tracy and gives him a hug and then hugs Magic. Howard said Spike pretends that he's not there. Howard said that's always comfortable. He said he likes that he doesn't talk to him actually. He said he seems like a strange guy wearing that uniform every time. Howard said he's like a little kid.
Howard said he saw Trump sitting there across the court. Howard said they said Woody Allen was there too. Howard said he didn't see him. He said he saw David Duchovny there and Beth pointed him out. He said he said hi to him real quick.
Howard said Piers Morgan is walking around like he's the kind of late night cable but he's just started. Howard said he read the article about his ratings and how they've been dropping steadily. Howard said he got such low ratings with the Kardashians that he was beaten by a cable cooking show. Howard said he told him that he has to stop bragging. Howard read the article he had and they said that his ratings have dropped below even what Larry King had when he left. Howard said that Piers is going around saying he's the new King of All Media but he's not doing well. He said he's going to have to do more than he's doing to make that happen. He said that the format of talking to someone for a full hour is so old.
Howard said he went to pee after the game. He said that's so uncomfortable for him. He said there's an area for celebrities and it's a little more private but not much. He said he got into the urinal and he has such anxiety doing it. He said he was glad he peed before the game. He said by half time he had to pee again. He said he could have held it in but figured he could be comfortable for the rest of the game. Howard said they went upstairs and he ran into Dan Klores who is his publicist. Howard said he was so full of anxiety that he had to run into the bathroom. He said he was a total asshole to Dan. He said the guy is great and he hates that he did that but he walked right by the guy.
Howard said he went into the men's room and someone was taking a shit in there. Howard said he was standing there and he can do this thing where he does the times table and he can pee. He was doing that for like 3 or 4 minutes. He said he couldn't pee and kept pushing and pushing. He said that he wondered when his life was going to get better for him. He said he was doing his times table and finally peed. He said he was so happy. Howard told Robin to just look at his life. He asked her to help him.
Howard said he thinks that it's his small penis and he's been traumatized. Robin said he was alone in a stall though. Howard said he knows that but he still has an issue. He said that he was in there so long that Mike the Security guy had to come in and check on him. He said that he had to go look for Dan Klores to apologize to him. Howard said he didn't see him around so he texted him and apologized. He said he doesn't even connect with people he knows. He was all caught up that he had to pee. Robin said he's like a 5 year old.
Howard said he saw Piers talking to Beth so he went over and said hello. He said Piers asked him how he liked his interview. He said it was fun. Piers then said he had an offer for him. He said that he got the rap about saving his career and how he could come on once a month to do his show. Howard said he asked the guy if he knows what he does for a living. He said he was baffled by that conversation. Howard said he has more listeners on satellite than he has on CNN. Howard said if Piers had come to him and said that his ratings are dropping and he would like help, then he would be more empathic toward him. He said that he just has to be honest with him. Howard said that they turn it around and insult him. He said that's what Bill O'Reilly did to him too. He said that he asked Bill what part of this he doesn't get. He said they have a big audience had he doesn't care about their stupid shows. He said he thinks that they think their show is really happening and they're all in delusion. Howard said he's not going to go on their shows and help. Howard said he doesn't need to do that.
Howard had some of the article about Piers' show and how it was beaten by ''Supermarket Inc.'' He said Piers is telling him that he's going to help his career but he has to wise up. He said that he's in a whole new fuckin' ball game here in America. He said that it's huge here in America and it's nothing like the UK. Howard said he's in a war now and it's not an easy one.
Howard said he doesn't need any help. He said that he has millions of listeners that pay to hear him. He said that no one is paying to watch Piers. Howard said that the guy could have told him the truth and asked him to come on his show and give him some advice. Howard said he's not sure why people treat him like an idiot.
Howard said Beth was blown away by all of that too. He said that Piers ego just won't allow him to know that he won't be huge. Howard said maybe he will be some day but it's going to take a lot of work to get there. Howard said that would be like him calling over the coach of the Knicks and tell him what he thinks he has to do to win.
Howard said he ran into a guy who told him that this guy who used to terrorize him is dead now. Howard said in 5th grade he knew this kid who was really wild. He was a black kid who everyone was afraid of. Even the teachers. Howard said that he was just wild and strong. Howard said he was the captain of the hall patrols and a teacher told him that the kid was out of control and he should go speak with him. Howard said he knew better than to do that. Howard said the kid didn't fuck with him that bad but it turns out that the kid died in jail. He said he was talking to the guy about the old neighborhood and the guy still lives there. He said they told some Roosevelt stories and stuff like that. Howard said the guy is black because no white people live there anymore.
Howard said he wondered if there are servers somewhere or what. He said he understands how radio works but not the internet. He said he has no idea. Howard asked Fred if he knows. Fred said Jon Hein should know. Howard asked Jon if he knows. Benjy said he knows.
Benjy told Howard that he has a web site and they pay a company to store information... Howard cut him off and asked Jon Hein what he knows. Jon said that it's a series of computers around the world and it came from something that started there in the United States. Jon said that they had this network set up and they weren't using it for the government so they opened it up to the rest of the world. Howard asked if you're connecting into the United States servers from Europe. Jon said that they have servers over there too. Howard asked where his information is for his web site. Jon said that the computer is connected to a bunch of computers around the world. Robin said that it's an interconnected group of computers around the world. Howard said he didn't care anymore. Then he asked more about how this network works over in Europe and how they connect in.
Jon told Howard how they connected in the beginning if there are borders. Robin said it's a network. Howard asked how they initially connected. They said it was phone lines. Howard asked dif it was the government that installed it. Robin said that they must be connected if they can control it. Howard asked who started it over in Europe. Jon said he didn't know.
Howard asked who he should talk to, to figure this out. Jeff Shick's name came up. Howard said that he wants to dedicate a whole show to how this works. Robin said that the government must have something to do with it. Howard said that he'd like to know how they set it up in a place like Africa. Robin said she figured that the white man must have set it up there.
Jon said that some countries, like China, can keep it a private network and keep people from seeing everything on the web.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they saw 60 Minutes last night. Howard said of course not. He said he TiVo's that show and he has 2 cable lines. Both lines were black last night. He said that this goes on regularly with his cable. He said he doesn't know why. He said they tell him he has to reboot the box or something. He said none of his technology works. Howard said he got that Android phone and now he hears that his Lotus Notes is draining his battery. He said everything he tries doesn't work. He said that everything is a nightmare. He said he has so many complicated things going on in his house. He can't even get his pictures. Howard said he can't get a picture into his phone if he gets it emailed to him.
Robin saw 60 Minutes so the caller asked what he thought of Julian Assange. Robin said he seems like an okay guy. The caller said that the guy said that he's not doing anything wrong and maybe the soldier who stole the information should be the one who goes to jail. Howard said that he did just post it like a news reporter would post it. He said he's not sure why we have all of this secrecy.
The caller brought up how Jay Leno is going to be at Harvard getting the Hasty Pudding award up there. He said he's going to go up there with a sign so he asked what it should say. Howard said he didn't know. He let the caller go and had Lisa come in.
Lisa G said that Stuttering John was seen hanging out with John Travolta and John Gotti Jr. He's going to be producing a movie about John Gotti Jr. Howard said there was a big story about that in the paper there. He said that if John is a legitimate producer on the film then it it'll never get made or it'll be a big piece of shit. Howard said that something is askew there.
Lisa said that Colin Quinn's one man show is being taped to be on HBO this April. They'll be taping it later this week. Howard said he wants to know why Nick Cassavetes is working with John. He said something really wacky must be going on there. Robin said that maybe John bought the rights to something big. Howard said he doesn't believe it. Howard said he's not sure how he's even involved.
Lisa went on with her news and read some stuff about Steve Grillo talking about his AVN awards interviews. Gary said Grillo wants to go to the Oscar's and he's started a Facebook thing to get them to let him go. Lisa said that Grillo is willing to take speech lessons if Howard pays for it. Howard said he doesn't care if he can't speak. He said he might want to take them on his own so he can speak for movie roles.
Lisa said that Steve's TV pilot is still under review. Ivy Supersonic is working at the same pizza place as Steve and she had some things to say about that and that FOX has backed out of their Sqrrat lawsuit so she's hoping to be able to live off of what she gets out of that case. They went to break when Lisa wrapped up her news preview.
Howard came back and said he saw the preview for the new Big Mama movie and he was laughing his ass off at it. He said that Martin Lawrence plays Big Mama and he gets another guy to dress up like a woman too. JD came in and told Howard that he was joking ground when he sent him the link to the preview. He said he liked the first movie but they get worse.
Howard had the guys bring in this guy Jeff Levy who is also known as Jeff the Vomit guy. Robin said she walked by the green room and heard him doing commentary for someone in there.
Howard had Jeff in and said that he's really disgusted by him. Jeff said that's too bad because he's a big fan of his. He said he loves to hate some teams like the Knicks. He said he's a big Pittsburgh fan and he has been all his life. He said he's a New Yorker though.
Howard said Jeff has gotten fatter. He was last on the show 3 years ago and he wanted to get puked on by Tabitha Stevens but she would only spit on him.
Howard said that Jeff is a guy who is 53 years old. His father doesn't approve of this vomiting thing but he still lives at home. Jeff said he has had some jobs but he seems to just walk out of the jobs after a while. He said he sorted mail for a while. He said he worked the midnight shift and worked with the other degenerates.
Howard asked Jeff why he would leave a job if he was contributing to society. Jeff said he wasn't proud of what he was doing and he thought that there would be something else out there for him. Howard asked if he has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist. Jeff said he's been diagnosed as having paraphelia. He started to explain that and Howard cut him off. Howard asked if he likes women to vomit on him. Jeff said he likes to watch women vomiting. He said he doesn't need them to vomit on him. He said that he can watch some of that on the web but there aren't that many web sites out there for that.
Jeff told Howard about his parents testing him and things like that. Jeff said that he went to college. He said that he had a few jobs and he got into a couple of movies. He was in Duplicity with Julia Roberts. He was just playing an extra. Jeff said he's in some bank commercials too. He said that he got less than $200 to do those. Jeff said that he has two goals in his life and he loves playing lotteries. Howard asked how he pays for all of this stuff. Jeff said he gets disability. Jeff said back in 1985 he didn't get along well with people and he was diagnosed. Howard wondered how this is possible. He said that he can't work so they give him a paycheck. Jeff said it's not that easy. He said in 1985 they diagnosed him with paranoid schizophrenia. Jeff said that he could work if he had to just shoveling horse mature or something. He said that if he was motivated to do it then he'd be able to do it.
Howard said Jeff could go out and work if they didn't pay him not to. Howard said he's overweight and he seems to be eating plenty. Jeff said that he is 5'9'' tall and he's about 235 pounds. Howard said that he's repulsive.
Howard asked what's going on with the vomit fetish. Jeff said he'd like to find a soul mate who is open minded to his fetish. Howard said that he's never going to find anyone. Howard said he wants to know that he fantasizes about. Jeff said he would like to be around when someone is throwing up. Howard heard that he likes to make girls gag and he likes to see saliva. Jeff said he's thought about Robin in that way. He said he'd like to see her tongue, mouth and lips. He said he has an oral fixation. Jeff said that he doesn't have as many opportunities as he'd like.
Howard had ''Sally'' come in there so Jeff can look into her mouth. It turns out to be Sal dressed up as a woman. He showed Jeff his ''pussy'' and Jeff said that he thinks that Sally is a phony baloney. Sal told him that he's out of his mind. He showed him his asshole and Jeff said he's all man and he knows what a woman looks like. Jeff said he's not into the bearded woman. Sal said he's not bearded, he's just Italian. Sal yelled at him to just lay down so he can puke on him. Jeff refused. He said he's not into just anyone puking on him. He said he's strictly heterosexual. Howard asked Jeff if he would be able to fuck a woman. Jeff said if the vomiting got him aroused then he'd stick it in her ass. Then he said that he'd just do her from behind and maybe not in the ass.
Howard asked Jeff how he met this friend he has that's into vomiting. Jeff said he met him and they got some women to do some vomiting for their web site VomitOnline.com. Jeff said that they did have several girls who did that and also shit on this guy's chest. Jeff said he's not into that himself but he did try it out. Howard said Jeff was frothing at the mouth. Jeff said he's getting worked up, that's why. Howard said that he has to calm down and wipe that off. Robin said that's what she was watching.
Howard asked Jeff about this other guy and his fetishes. Jeff said that he went into the room with the guy and this dominiatrix shit a little bit on him too. Howard asked why he went into the room with her. Jeff said they went to a motel and did this. Jeff said that it was about $250 to do it. Jeff said she was an attractive woman too. He said that they just do it spontaneously and the maids have to clean it up.
Howard asked Jeff about what went on during that whole thing. Jeff said that he'd like to be in control and he needs a submissive girl. He said that this woman told him he had to suck her toes and for her to get them off she had to shit all over them. Howard asked if he thinks that this is crazy what he's doing. Jeff said that it seemed like he had to do it to get her to do what he wanted. Jeff said she went doody right on the other guy's face. He said that she was almost into his mouth. Jeff said the guy got exited and he was masturbating. He said he was entertained and curious about what was going on there. Howard said the room must have stunk. Jeff said it did stink more than vomit. He said that he can't get into the scat thing which is apparently more prevalent than the vomit thing. Jeff said that she shit on his thighs
Howard saw that Robin was eating during this discussion. Robin said she just stopped listening. Howard said that Jeff could make anyone throw up.
Howard asked if this dominiatrix vomited on him. He said that she did but that's not what his ideal situation is. Jeff said that he'd rather be the one in control. Howard asked if he masturbated during this. Jeff said he did.
Jeff said he didn't bang the chick. He said that he didn't want to do that though. He said that his buddy was the one who was paying and he's the one who did that.
Howard said that Jeff keeps saying ''Domineetrix'' and he's not sure why he calls her that if he goes to so many. Jeff said he knows that he's a mess. He said he has a girlfriend that he's been seeing for 14 years and she's not a vomit girl. He said she's just a good friend though. Howard said that he's not fucking that chick. Jeff said that's true but he does get to see her a few times a month. He said she's disabled and handicapped. He said that both of her parents are dead.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who had clips of Wendy the Retard puking. Jeff asked how he knows it's not a guy. Howard said that it's definitely a girl.
Howard also played a prank call the guys made to a Bulimia hotline where they used clips of Jeff to talk to the woman who answered the phone.
Jeff said that he's still looking for a woman who vomit for him. Howard said that there are no girls out there for him. He said they've asked for someone to contact him for years now and no one comes forward.
Jeff said he doesn't do anything wrong and he's not a pedophile or anything like that. Jeff said that it gets harder the older he gets to stay in shape. Jeff said he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't do drugs or anything like that. Jeff said he sees girls coming out of clubs drunk and he likes to wait for them to vomit. He said they always come out with their entourage though.
Howard took a call from someone who was supposed to be Rochelle vomiting. Jeff said that was a male vomiting sound.
Howard said that they have found out what Jeff is all about. He asked what they pay Jeff for disability. He said he gets $800 a month. Howard said that's amazing. Jeff also gets food stamps and medicare and medicaid. Howard asked if he can get food at a place like Madison Square Garden. Jeff said he can't and he wouldn't go there because he hates the New York teams.
Howard asked Jeff what he does during the day. He takes care of his 10 cats and some other pets. He said they're all taken care of. He said that he used to have 17. He said he gave some up for adoption. He said that he has parakeets, doves and homing pigeons too. He said they have a 4 room apartment and the birds are small. The Howard TV guys had some video of Jeff at home so they showed that to Howard. Howard asked why the cats don't eat the pigeons. Jeff said they like the birds and they respect him.
Jeff got in a plug for HowardShrine.net and said you can contact him through there.
The guys called in with some more vomiting sounds. They had Beetlejuice vomiting this time. Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Jeff likes to eat the vomit. Jeff said he doesn't. He said it's just the act of watching them vomit.
Howard took some more calls and one guy asked if Howard ate yet. Howard said he did before Jeff came in. Howard said this is too much for him. The caller said that maybe Jeff could find someone who has cancer and pukes a lot. He said they may not let him in the hospital though.
Howard asked Jeff what this HowardShrine.net is. Jeff said that it's his agent's web site and he has a lot of shrines for Howard on that site. Jeff said that he doesn't have a home computer so this guy, Doc, helps him out.
Jeff was telling some other stories but Howard interrupted and asked if he's ever going to wash that shirt. Jeff said it was clean and he doesn't smell like vomit or anything. Howard said he had a lot of spit coming out of his mouth. Jeff said he's got some teeth missing so it comes out. Howard asked if he voted for Obama. Jeff said he never votes. Howard wrapped up with Jeff a short time later. He was grossed out by the spit coming out of his mouth. Howard gave Jeff some more plugs and took another call from the guys in the back playing some shitting sounds. Jeff said all he was hearing was sound effects.
Howard thought he was done with Jeff but he asked him how he would describe himself in a personal ad. Jeff went through some of his personality traits and Howard asked if he would tell them that he wears 5 diamond earrings. Jeff said they're not real diamonds. He said that they're cubic zirconia. Howard asked who he think she looks like. Jeff said that he thinks maybe James Caan.
Gary asked Jeff if he's ever done anything sexually with that girl he's been seeing 14 years. Jeff said he has not. He said that they just go out and hang out at the mall and talk about their lives. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Gary was wearing a surgical mask because he's sick. Howard said he has to do Letterman this week and he doesn't want to be sick. Howard said he can't go on Letterman with no voice. Gary can go around with no voice.
Howard said that he had a clip from Regis and Kelly where they had Kelsey Grammer on the show. Howard said Kelsey won't come on his show but he wishes he would. Howard said it was really weird that people were clapping for the guy. He played some audio of Kelly congratulating him on his engagement. Meanwhile he's just getting out of his other marriage. Howard said you'd think the guy would wait a little while before marrying again. Howard played more of the audio where Kelsey talked about the changes he's had in his life over the past year or so. He told Kelly about how he wanted more love in his life so that's why he's been doing what he's been doing. Howard said he might want to explore his behavior. He said that he knocked up another chick and left his wife. Howard said Kelly must be wondering what's wrong with this guy. Robin said she didn't say that to him. Howard said of course not, they don't do that on that show.
Howard played more audio of Kelsey talking to a reporter about going on a road trip with his fiancee. They're going out in a car around the country. Howard said that he can just imagine being stuck in a car with a guy you just met.
Robin read a story about a single mom who may have to share her 8 million in winnings with her husband who walked out on her.
Robin read some details about a new Superman movie that's in the works. Howard said he was reading about that and they're going back to the start again with Superman. He said that they need to move on and stop with the history of the guy. Robin said they're doing a reboot of the whole Superman movie thing.
Howard said he was talking about Tracy Morgan earlier and there was some controversy about Sarah Palin. He said that he was saying she's good masturbation material and they cut away from him. Howard said that it wasn't Tracy's fault that they got that on the air. He said that if they ask him about Sarah Palin at a basketball game, what do they expect him to say? Howard said that he's a comedian. Howard had the audio of Tracy making that comment. He played the clip and one of the guys was asking who he would pick, Tina Fey or Sarah Palin. Tracy said that Sarah Palin is good masturbation material. They thanked him for stopping by and moved on. Howard replayed some of the clip because the guys were arguing about Marv Albert being in the clip or not. Howard thought he was at the end but Gary said it wasn't him. It was someone else throwing it to Marv. Howard said Gary was right.
Howard asked Robin what else she had in the news. Robin said Charlie Sheen made the news because he had a big party at his house and then an ambulance had to be called. She said that he had some stomach pain according to his publicist. A day later he checked into rehab. Robin said ''Two and a Half Men'' was on hiatus already. Howard said he already commented on that earlier in the morning so everyone can hear that on the replay. Robin wondered hat the network can do about this. Howard said they can't do anything if he shows up to work and does his job. Howard said it's kind of like the whole Artie thing. Howard said the guy is a grown man and you can't tell him what to do.
Howard said that Jon Cryer was on Conan the other night talking about how he has to check TMZ every morning to see if he still has a job. Howard said Jon knows how hard it is to have a hit show like that. Gary said they still have 8 episodes to shoot and they may have to bring in someone to fill in for Charlie to shoot the rest of them. Howard said he read that Lindsay Lohan was saying that Charlie was out of control. He said he was serious about that too. Howard had to go to break after that.
After the break, around 9:45am, Robin read more about Tracy Morgan and what he was saying about Sarah Palin in another interview. He was calling her a ''MILF'' in the interview and TNT had to apologize for his comments.
Robin read a story about a basketball game where a college player won 60-59 when a long shot actually made it into the net. Robin said that it was a desperation shot at the last moment in the game.
Robin read a story about Martin Luther King III who is thinking of becoming an owner of the Mets. Howard said the company that owns the team lost money to Bernie Madoff and they need money to keep the team going. Howard said he'd just sell the team if he was that guy. Gary said they paid $10 million to be half owner and then $20 million to buy out the partner and now the team is worth like $900 million. Gary said they're not bankrupt either. They owe money on the stadium and they were ripped off in the Madoff scheme so that's why they need the money.
Robin read that David Arquette is out of rehab for alcohol problems. Robin said that the report says that David had some incidents where he discussed personal details. Howard said that's them. He wondered why they can't say his name in these articles. Howard said it's like he's the devil and they can't speak his name. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Egypt and what's going on over there. Robin said the people there have had it with Hosni Mubarak and they're trying to get him to step down. Robin said that they've been a partner of theirs for many years so now everyone here has to explain what's going on over there. Robin said a lot of our citizens are over there and they're trying to get them out. Robin had some audio of an official talking about what they're trying to do to get them out of there.
Howard and Robin talked about the Egypt thing and how we can't win either way. He said that they're going to be pissed at us no matter what we do. He said that we're dammed if we do and damned if we don't. Robin said we do things that are good for us and it's never about the people in those countries. Howard said that's true but there are some loons who run the countries over there. Howard said that they should all go fuck themselves. He said we can't figure out what they want. He said that they're never happy.
Robin read about last night's 60 Minutes and how Julian Assange was on. Robin had some audio clips from that interview. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a new dietary guideline that the government has brought out. Robin said they recommend eating more seafood and other things like that and cut back on butter and salt. Robin said they say that you should have no more than a teaspoon of salt a day. She said people are eating much more than that every day.
Robin read a story about Gabrielle Giffords husband, Mark Kelly, saying that he will decide in February if he will go on the final flight of the space shuttle. Howard said he can't go. He said the guy wants to go but his wife needs him home. Howard said he has to be there for her. He said that people will rip him apart if he goes. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Tiger Woods and how bad he's been doing this season playing golf. Robin said he was supposed to be making a comeback but it's just not happening. Howard said the guy doesn't care anymore. He's already made it and there's no reason to keep being the best. Howard said that's his thing though so he can't just stop playing. He said he probably wants to though.
Robin read about the new Anthony Hopkins movie ''The Rite'' and Howard said he won't go see it. He said those kind of movies scare him too much. Robin had some audio of someone talking about going to a real exorcism.
Robin read about how they're saying that Jason Statham being the biggest B-movie star in the world. She had some audio of him talking about a movie he's in with Robert De Niro.
Robin also had a story about movie composer John Barry dying. She had some audio of some of the Goldfinger song that he did for James Bond. Howard played the James Bond theme. Robin said he did some music for Out of Africa too so she had Howard play some of that. They ended the show after that, right around 10:20am.
Scott came in and said that Robin had come in during the news with the clips she wanted pulled. He said that she does that to him almost every day. Gary said Robin wants clips pulled for the day and sometimes she tells him what to pull while she's doing the news. Scott said that she told him she was going to have more after the initial clips. He said that he should have them like an hour ahead of time. Scott said it takes time to get it into the system though. Scott said he asked JD to pull some clips since he's good at finding it.
Jon said that it was Scott's task to pull it though. Scott said that Robin asked him to get songs. She didn't ask for Goldfinger specifically. He said he gets frustrated because he has to pull that stuff at the last minute. He said that it takes time and he gets frustrated by it.
Jon asked Gary if they could fix this. Gary said that Robin would need a paid assistant because they can't yell at unpaid interns. Jon asked Scott if he's sat down with Robin and asked her to get him the stuff early. Scott said that he has asked for it earlier on occasion. Gary said that maybe she could do it by 8 since they start the news at 9. Scott said that Robin is live on the air and she can only get to it when she gets to it. He said he's not quoting her directly though. He said that was a long time ago that he had that conversation. He said that it was probably when they first started there. Scott said that Robin didn't tell him which songs she wanted specifically. He said that he had JD pull a few of the 8 that were on the list. Scott said that JD can find it better than he can. He said that it's quicker if JD does it. Scott said Robin doesn't want the whole song so they have to cut it down to a few seconds. They had to go to break after that.
Benjy said he finds it fascinating but he gets nauseous when he hears about it. He said that he thinks that homosexuality is gross too but he doesn't think that they're bad people because of that. Benjy said he doesn't like a lot of people saying they have to destroy the guy just because of what he likes.
Gary asked Benjy if he thinks he's mentally ill. Benjy said he seems kind of Rain Man-ish to him. He said that he doesn't think that he's really got a problem but he doesn't have a great life. He said that liking that doesn't make him a bad person. He said it's no worse than anything else that people are into. He thinks that it should be accepted even if it is gross to people.
Gary wondered if Jeff liked the shitting thing. Benjy said that he said he didn't like it and he just had to go through it to get to the other thing he does like.
Jon said that Jeff says that he doesn't do anything else that he shouldn't be doing so he's not a bad person. He also wasn't fooled by ''Sally'' who seemed to have loved getting into that dress. Gary said he thinks that when they played the vomiting sound Jeff knew it was a man doing it. He said that's what makes him interesting to him. He also loves his accent. Benjy said he'd like them to get his opinions on anything because he's so fascinating.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how they found Jeff and if it was KC who found him. Gary said he didn't find him and it may have been KC. He said that it could have been Jeff writing into the show and maybe they didn't have to find him.
Benjy asked the caller if he's angry about the whole thing. The caller said it's disturbing and the guy had to be screwed up before all of this. The caller also asked if they had any games to play because Howard hasn't done any lately. Gary said they have games, just no money to give away.
Another caller said that there are 3 people he turns the channel on and Jeff is number one on the list. He said Will the Farter is another one and the last one is Jessica Hahn. He said he can't even listen to the rest of the show when they're on. Gary asked what it is about Jessica that puts her on that level. The caller said it's her voice and how she's always complaining. He said that it's one of those grating things. He said she hasn't been on in a really long time though. Gary said he hopes that she's okay because he hasn't heard from her in ages.
Jon asked Gary about Sal getting into the dress and if Richard likes doing that too. Gary said Sal seems to enjoy it more. He said that Sal had real titties in that dress too. They were small but they were titties.
Another caller said that the best part of Jeff coming in is when they goof on him. Gary said he's humored by him trying to explain himself. Benjy said that he thinks that he is just joking when he says that he's a horrible person. Gary said he's not so sure about that.
Jon asked Gary how Jeff lives. Gary said that Jeff the Drunk lives the same way. He said that when Jeff's father dies he's going to have to pay the bills on his father's place and he'll be calling in a lot more. He said that he doesn't pay rent or utilities or anything so he's spending the money on his own stuff right now. He has no idea what it's going to be like when his father dies.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jeff should be brought to see some really sick people who can't help but puke. He also remembers puking himself when he saw Jeff getting puked on during an E! show.
Gary asked Benjy if Jeff can masturbate with the memory of a woman puking or does he have to do it while it's happening. Benjy said he thinks he wants to do it during the act. He's not sure about that. Gary wondered if he can control himself and not do it while it's happening. Benjy said he seems like a strange guy but he thinks that he can control himself.
Another caller asked if Sal is any different than Jeff since he likes watching girls getting pissed on. Gary said that they're kind of on the same level. Gary said he thinks that Sal has kept it to himself that he likes that kind of thing so he's not looked at as weird as Jeff is. Benjy said he's not sure that Sal is as one track mind as Jeff is. They had to go to another break after that.
Jon asked Sal how he makes that decision when he's sick. Sal said he was sick that one time and grabbed Howard's megaphone. He got a private talking to that day. He said he had to be told that what he was doing was wrong. Gary said he probably would have done it every day for a year if he hadn't been told it was wrong.
Sal said he wanted to correct them on something and said that he doesn't like watching women being abused. He said that Jeff the Vomit Guy likes to watch the puking. Sal said he likes watching women who get off on being abused. He said he doesn't like women being peed on and things like that against their will. He said that if they're all for it then he's into it.
Sal said that he's into it when he sees women who are really into what they're getting done to them. He said there are women who like getting peed on and if they're into it then he likes it. He said that the peeing thing is pretty popular. He said that he doesn't like doing it himself but he likes that there are women who like getting it done to them and he likes that.
Gary asked Sal if he would do it if he had a girl ask him to do it. Sal said he might but it's hard to piss and hold an erection. He said he likes a clean environment of watching the videos of it so he doesn't have the smell or the clean up after.
Gary goofed on Sal about his tits in the dress he wore today. Sal said it was a very tight dress. Gary laughed. Sal said that he was close to vomiting this morning and he could have vomited if Jeff was into it. He said that he had something in a cup that would have made him vomit. He said he was going to drink some Goldschlager in the cup because it makes him vomit. He said he knows he could get in trouble for drinking that so he didn't want to say what it was. Gary said that it's fine to do that for the show. He doesn't have to worry about hiding it from them.
Sal said he got into character and he was playing Sally Ann and he was into the fetish of vomiting. He was yelling at Jeff at the end of that and he said he was kind of upset with him for not letting him vomit on him. Sal said he was willing to do the vomit thing but Jeff didn't want it. He said he pissed him off so that's why he went off on him. He apologized for doing that. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about Charlie Sheen and how he has to return to work because of the cost of the show. He read an article about Charlie and how he's not in rehab now. Howard read about how Charlie could cost Warner Brothers $250 million if he doesn't go back to work. He said that they have syndication to worry about and how they could have to stop the production and that would cost them money in advertising. He read about how the show grossed CBS some huge money last season alone. Howard said that the syndication deal could bring in $2 billion. Howard said that it could be billions of dollars for the syndication deal if he doesn't return. Robin said she thinks that they have another 6 episodes to shoot this season.
Howard said that Seinfeld still does well in syndication and has racked up like 3 billion in syndication deals. Howard said they're in the wrong business. He said that it's no wonder Seinfeld doesn't have to work. He said he just sits back and lets the money roll in. Robin said that Larry David's show is about how he really doesn't know what to do with himself because he does have so much money.
Howard said he reads the papers pretty closely in the morning and he saw in the NY Daily News they have a poll that asks for people's two cents. He said the poll is about celebrity death hoaxes. He said that they ask if it's disgusting or amusing or ''I don't know.'' Howard said this is some poll. He said he would have liked to have participated in this. He said that 7 percent of the people said that they don't know. 82 percent said they were against them. He found that funny. He said you'd think that people could come up with an opinion on that.
Howard said that the new governor there in New York is doing a good job. He said that he uncovered how the budget is corrupt there in the state. Howard said they're the highest taxed state and they get the least amount of services. Howard said they can't figure out where the money is going. He said that there are a lot of things there that are just not getting done. Howard said Ronnie's street is never plowed when it snows. They pay so much in taxes and these things aren't getting done.
Howard said that Cuomo has gone on and researched this and they found that it's no one's fault. He said they found that automatic raises and things are built into the system. He said they just give raises for no reason and they don't take into account inflation and things like that. He said that Cuomo wants to take care of that stuff and they can save billions of dollars. Howard said they can't just give raises for no reason.
Howard said he hopes that Cuomo is successful but they're saying that the state assembly is going to fight him on all of this stuff. Howard said he hopes the guy is successful. He said if the guy needs his help he's there for him. Howard said he can call and ask for help if he needs it. Howard said if he gets that call then they're all in big trouble.
Howard got back to the Charlie Sheen story and said that this girl who is coming in, Kacey Jordan, was asked to get into the tub with Charlie Sheen at one point. Howard said she refused. Charlie started to get naked and dance around and that's when he had the stomach pains that led to him going to the hospital.
Howard read some other details about Charlie and how he was trying to recruit this porn star to take care of his two kids. Howard said that this should be a reality show. He said these stories are the greatest. He said that Denise Richards heard about this babysitting thing and said there is no way that a porn star is going to be watching her two kids.
Howard said they're saying if you put in $250 million it's really only worth about $39 million. Gary came in and told Howard they lost all of this money but they're being sued by the fund to give back to Madoff. Madoff paid them a lot of money so they may have to pay some of it back. It's all very confusing.
Gary told Howard what he knew about this story. They spent a few minutes trying to figure it all out and why the money had to be paid back and all of that. Howard said that he doesn't understand why this stuff wasn't being watched as it was going on. The SEC was more worried about him and the satellite radio merger instead if this kind of stuff.
Howard said he was also reading about the football union and how they're trying to jerk the players around. Howard said the player's union wanted to have the ability to run some commercials during the Super Bowl but CBS isn't going to allow it even though it's in their contract. Howard said that's just not right. Gary said that the owners are going to be locking the players out and the players aren't going on strike. There's a big difference there.
Gary filled Howard in on the details of that story and how they're looking for more games per season and the players are looking for more benefits so when they retire they can live. They have a lot of health issues when they retire. Howard said he sees the games and it makes him want to throw up. He said that they should be splitting up the gold with the players.
Howard said football is insane because they don't pay them that well compared to the kind of money the teams are making. He said that Charlie Sheen is making $1.25 million per episode and these football players aren't making anywhere near that.
Gary told Howard about how linemen these days are encouraged to be big and when they retire they end up dying of heart attacks because they're so overweight. Howard said they hit each other like bulldozers and they're risking brain damage and things like that. Howard said they should be allowed to run their commercials.
Jason told Howard the owners cut a special deal with the TV networks so they still get paid even if there are no games next season. Jason said the players won't get any money but the owners will still get billions. Howard said that's bullshit. He said if he was a player he would get everyone together and walk out of the Super Bowl. Howard said those cocksuckers would fold right away. He doesn't see that happening though.
Gary told Howard that the players are suing the owners over their TV deal. He said that they're not making enough money and they're upset about that. Howard said they are in show business and this is more like slavery. He said that they make good money but they risk brain damage and injuries.
Howard said that this kind of deal doesn't exist anywhere else in show business. He said that it's even worse in college football. Howard said they pay them in education but that's bullshit. He said they're making a fortune off the students and not compensating them. Howard said college players deserve a paycheck. Robin said Olympic athletes deserve a check too.
Howard said he's the one paying Ralph and he's not sure what's going on with him. Robin said that he's told her that all he cares about is Geektime. Howard said he may have to cancel that show. He knows he loves it but he's the key to him being on the radio. He said he should be more pleasant around him. Robin said Howard is keeping Ralph from spending more time planning Geektime.
Howard said he doesn't like that he's going on Letterman. Howard said he was all worried about Gary getting him sick and he's all neurotic about it. Howard said that he told Scott Greenstein that he was going out to do this and he didn't even know. Howard wondered why he's even doing it if Scott doesn't know he's out there. Howard said it kind of bummed him out. He said that he was doing it to be a team player and they don't know. Howard said he wasn't doing it to promote himself. He's out there to promote this smartphone app.
Howard said that Charlie Sheen is at home instead of being in rehab. Howard said that the girl is going to be in there in about 20 minutes. Robin said that she never really watches his show but she's seen some of it and his character is very much like the real Charlie. Robin said she was discussing that with Ross. Zapin.
Howard asked Robin if Ross was on his way to the Super Bowl. Robin said he was and she was interrupting his packing. Robin said that he's down there to help out with the promotion. She said that they're partnered with the NFL so they're advertising. Howard said he didn't know that it was that important for him to be there. Robin said they have a bunch of shows broadcasting from the game. Howard wondered why they would do that.
Howard said he just got a note from the guys saying that the entire Morning Mash UP team is down there. He asked if that's Rich and Covino. Gary said it's one of them. He said they'll have the opportunity to interview guests. Howard said they play music on that show. He doesn't understand that.
Howard said that they should just be playing music on that show. He said that no one is tuning into that show to hear Super Bowl updates. Robin said that it kind of turns into a Mardi Gras kind of thing down there and that's why they do these shows like that. Howard said he thinks it would be cheaper to send the listeners to the game instead of the crew. Howard said that he wants to know how many people are listening to that show in the morning. He said this is insane. Howard said he should be running this company. He said he should sit on the board so he can knock some sense into them. Robin said they would give him a chair on there. Howard said he knows but he doesn't really want it. He said he did think about it at one point though.
Howard said he never wants to be accused of knowing some insider information so he decided against it. Howard said everyone went berserk when he signed on with this company. He said that the FCC and the SEC were on his ass right away.
Howard said that there's no doubt in his mind that Laura loved what they did to her show the other day. He said that he thinks that she didn't get any calls and his callers made her show. Howard said that her fans aren't paying dime one to come and listen to her. Howard said that she loves every minute of this attention.
Janks asked if they would make up if she came on his show. Howard said they don't ''get'' Dr. Laura. Robin said she would have problems accepting her because of the hateful things that she says.
Howard said that she's not even a real doctor. Howard said she's a doctor in something like Cryptology or something. That led to them talking about her nude photos and how hairy she was in them. Howard said she had ass hair in those pictures. Janks said she looked like she was turning into a werewolf in those pictures.
Howard said they should get someone to analyze her show and figure out if she's really using her producer to make the calls to the show. Howard said he thinks that she was accused of having fake guests on her show in the past. He said he's not sure if that's true or not.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if he ever farts in bed with Beth. Howard said he tries not to but Beth has told him that his snoring is really bad. Howard said she had to get out of bed recently because it was so bad. She had to use earplug's. Beth said she could hear her own heart beat and breathing with the ear plugs in so she had to take them out and go sleep in another room. Howard said he felt very manly after that.
Howard said sometimes he holds his farts in and goes into the other room to fart. He said she hears him doing that too. Howard said Beth will catch a whiff once in a while and he's really embarrassed by that. He said he's been told that if you hold them in they'll dissipate. The caller said that's what he does.
Howard said that he had a great meal for dinner last night. He said Rosanna Scotto sent over some turkey meatballs and he loved them. He said the whole apartment smelled like an Italian restaurant. He said that the meatballs had melted cheese inside of them and it was great. He said he scarfed down a bunch of them and they were like the size of your fist. He said he loved them. He said that they were light and fluffy and weren't heavy like they looked. He said they looked like they should have had about 3 turkeys inside of them. He said they were light and fluffy though.
Howard said he got an advance copy of The Bachelor and sat down to watch with Beth. The caller cut him off and said he wanted to ask some other questions before this got too gay. He asked Howard about masturbating when Beth goes away and if she does the same. Howard said she claims that she's not. Howard said that he gets jealous when she does so maybe she's lying. Howard said that she claims that she doesn't have to do that because she gets enough from him.
Howard said he and Beth laid in bed for an hour and he had Beth laughing so hard she almost threw up. He was teaching her Yiddish words. He said that she wanted to know a new word a night. He said he told her about Schmendrick last night. He said he's told her about other words too and had her cracking up. Howard said she has a great marriage with him. Howard said any woman lucky enough to be with him will be laughing in bed.
Howard let the caller go and spent some more time talking about The Bachelor. Robin said she keeps missing every episode. She said she's not even sure why. Howard said he read about how Jennifer Aniston loves the show because she's never seen women fall in love so quickly. He said she was talking about how nuts all of these women are. Howard said the Bachelor is a great looking guy but he has nothing to say. He said he has the vocabulary of George W. Bush. Howard did an impression of the guy and goofed on the way he says ''please'' which comes out as ''p'lice.'' Howard said the girls are good looking and they say they're in love. Howard said they're crying because they're getting rejected by a douche bag. Howard said he has no questions for them other than ''what are you feeling?'' He said that the guy has nothing to say at all. He said he's a retard.
Howard said this guy is good looking but he doesn't have half a brain. If he did he could light the world on fire. Robin said she saw that he was on Leno the other night. Howard said he's going to call for a boycott of Leno when he's on Letterman this week. He had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and took a call from Bobo who asked how long it's going to be before CNN gives Piers Morgan the boot. Howard said he already said he won't make it a year. Howard said he's losing ratings like crazy. Howard said the night he was on was the only time he had big ratings with the 25-54 year olds. Howard said that Condoleeza Rice was on and the audience was cut down to just about nothing. The longer the show went on the lower the ratings went. Howard said that he was shocked when he came up to him at the Knick game and told him he could come on his show once a month. Piers told him that he could do it and get a lot of publicity for his show. Howard said that Piers was asking him to help him but backwards.
Howard said what he tried to do was say to Piers that he can't parade around saying he's the king of talk shows. He said that he has to earn it first. Howard said that the guy is already taking on him when he has other people to beat first. Howard said he's proven himself and he doesn't have to prove himself to Piers. Piers has to beat some people before he can have bragging rights.
Howard said he had a lot of people accusing him of getting drunk during the show. Robin said that they have to understand that this man talks to aliens.
Howard played some audio of Riley talking about how Jim McClure called him and told him ''Lets do it!'' to get him ready for the show. Howard said that it sounds like they called him at the last minute, 4 hours before show time, to do an early show. Howard said maybe he took some medication or something. Robin said that he had 4 hours, it's not like he just took medication or something. Howard said it's possible he had just taken it 4 hours before.
Riley was rambling about some nonsense and not making any sense at all. Howard said he should be in this condition for every show. He asked how they're not doing a reality show. He said they should be taping this and putting it on TV.
Howard said Riley actually had 9 hours of notice to do this show. Howard said they just handed him a note about that. Howard played more of the audio and Riley was really out of it and not making any sense at all.
Ralph called in so Howard took his call and told him how shitty he was being to him yesterday. Ralph said he was in a rush because they had a lot to do. He said that Beth came in and he was asking her the same questions on stuff they had just gone over. He said they should get her in there at the same time instead of having her come in later. Howard said they got the work done so he should calm down. Ralph said he was just trying to get the work done. Howard said he's not sure what's going on with Ralph. He said he's been really good to him and he seems to be forgetting that. Ralph said he's been good to Howard too.
Ralph said Piers Morgan is a shitty interviewer. He said Howard did a good interview but Piers didn't do anything special. He said it's ridiculous. Howard said he enjoyed the interview. He said he's not sure if he 's a good interviewer or not. Robin said she thinks that Piers had no idea who Howard really was and he was looking to mix it up when he got there. Howard said he had no desire to mix it up with the guy. Howard said he quickly calmed Piers down and they got to an interview. He told Ralph he had to get going so he could get to Kacey Jordan. Howard said he had to get back to the Riley clips later.
Howard played a little more of Riley's show where he was asked what the aliens drink. Riley had an answer for the guy and told him about a pink and blue drink they like. He said he had 3 more clips to get to later on.
Howard asked Kacey if she thinks that she had a fucked up childhood. She said that she was raised by her grandparents for a little bit so she didn't have a fucked up childhood. She said her mom just turned 39 and she's only had 8 guys in her whole life. Kacey said she's had like a hundred. Howard asked Kacey about her childhood and how she was raised. She was raised a church girl.
Howard asked Kacey about being with Charlie Sheen that night. She said that she challenged Charlie to a drinking thing and she was told not to do that. She said she wasn't drunk yet and she wanted to play catch up. She said that Charlie grabbed it and chugged it from her. She said he was already wasted and he drank down that vodka really fast. Howard said it's odd how he wants to get wasted instead of letting the porn star get wasted. Howard asked Kacey why she likes to get wasted and if it's because she wants to forget what she's doing for a living. She said that she just likes it. Kacey told Howard that she takes this medication that keeps her from throwing up. She said they give it to cancer patients usually. She said that she can drink a lot and not puke because of that. She said that's why she was the last one at Charlie's house.
Howard asked Kacey if she bangs ugly guys like him. She said she doesn't think about the guy's looks. She said she's just working and it doesn't matter how they look.
Howard said he saw a scene that Kacey did where she was pretending to be asleep and guys were touching her. She said that they're tough to shoot because she wants to laugh while it's going on. She said she has to pretend she's sleeping in the scene while the guy is fucking her. Howard said he saw some of that and he liked it.
Gary asked Kacey about a tweet she had made on the night of the AVN awards about taking some pills. She was about to get to that but Howard interrupted and said that she's hot in person. He said that she looked kind of wasted in some pictures he saw. Howard asked if she does anal. She said she just did her first scene in Jersey recently. Howard said he has a lot of questions for her.
Kacey told Howard about how she got a ton of money from a guy overseas. She said that the guy paid her like $30,000. Howard asked what kind of guy does that. She said that this guy keeps the house really cold because you're not allowed to sweat on the guy. She said that she was kind of freaked out by the turbans that they wear constantly over there. She said that she was kept there for 8 days. She said that he owned the hotel and he owned the airline that she flew on. Kacey said that it was very nice over there and she stayed in this hotel that's the only 7 star hotel in the world. She said that's all she knows about it. She didn't remember the name of it.
Kacey told Howard that they had a lot of girls over there and they were staying in rooms together. She said there were 3-4 girls per room. She said one of the girls was really cunty. She said that she hooked up with one of the girls even though she's straight. She said she got drunk and this girl ate her out and everything.
Howard asked about this guy that flew her over there and if she met him the first day. She said they didn't meet him for like 3 days. She said they're on call over there so they had to be home by 8 every night. She said the girls would drink and just hang out while they waited for this guy. Howard asked if they were all naked walking around. She said that they were. She said they were taking pictures and they were just naked all the time. Kacey said that she keeps her legs wide open when she's on the couch too and she doesn't care.
Howard checked out what Kacey was wearing. She said that she got all bundled up for the weather. She said she's not sure how they can stand the weather there. Howard said they're not handling it very well.
Howard asked about this prince guy she was with and if he had a big dick and things like that. She said he did have a big one. He's really aggressive in bed too. Kacey said this guy has a secret house and he's obsessed with America. She said that the has MTV on and he makes them take tests and do crosswords in English so he can prove he's better at it than they are.
Kacey said that the guy made them play games and he had a machine from a casino and he'd make them take these tests that were like IQ tests.
Howard said the thing that was driving him nuts was that Charlie Sheen was watching porno for 2 hours with this chick. Howard asked dif he was making out with her or anything. She said he wasn't. They were just partying. Howard said that makes no sense to him. He said he would be fucking this chick and not watching porno. He said he'd just want to put his penis in her.
Kacey told Howard she worked at the Bunny Ranch like 2 years ago. She said that she made some good money there. Howard asked how she fucks these guys when she's not even attracted to them. She said she has to use lube. Howard asked if she had to lube up for Charlie. She said that he just went down on her to get her going. Howard asked if he fucked her. She said he did and she was amazed that he could get it up being as wasted as he was.
Howard asked how big his dick was. She said it was average. She said that he was like 6 inches and average. She said that he finished too which surprised her. She said that he went and grabbed a condom too. Howard said that could be a huge pay day if he knocked her up.
Howard said that Kacey was dating Kevin Federline. She said she never dated him, she just fucked him. She said that she lived in the same building as he did and his friend introduced them. Howard read that she was watching Kevin and Britney Spears' kids. Then Charlie asked her to watch his kids. Howard said the last thing he'd think is baby sitter with this chick.
Kacey said that she didn't care about Federline. She loved his kids though. She said she loves Britney Spears too. She said that she actually got to baby sit the kids because Kevin was inside on the phone the whole time that they were outside. She was very responsible with the kids while they were swimming. Kacey said she was kind of taking care of the younger one. She said that they had really bad bottle rot. They've been drinking too many bottles.
Howard asked when Federline fucked her. She said they got hammered drinking Jack Daniels while the kids were in bed. She said that he had the baby monitor outside while they were getting drunk. Kacey said they went into the kid's play room and that's where they did it. She said that they didn't even go into his bedroom. She said they were doing that and then the baby monitor went off. He said he was finished and when he pulled out he said that he didn't know where the condom was. She said she's not on birth control because it makes her crazy.
Kacey said she didn't get her period for 3 weeks and then 2 weeks later she thinks she had a miscarriage. She said that she usually does her abortions in Oregon. She said she's had 3 so far. Howard asked if she's had any famous abortions. She said that one was with a kid in school and then a Sugar Daddy's kid. Howard asked why she does it in Oregon. She said they put her to sleep and treat her very well there. She said that the third abortion was with some random guy at the Playboy mansion. She said she woke up next to the guy and couldn't believe she had done the guy. She had a hangover and asked the guy to fuck her a couple more times to get through the hangover. She said it would go away after that.
Howard asked about the prince guy again and what went on there. Kacey told Howard about how aggressive the guy was and how he was fucking her throat and things like that. She said that there was noting romantic about it. Howard asked if she has to moan like she's into it. She said she was gagging when she had him in her throat. She said she did the best she could with the guy. She said she actually came with that guy. She said that he was really aggressive and he would hold her down on the bed and put her in a head lock. He would do that with every girl too. He didn't use condoms either.
Howard said it's weird that they don't use condoms with these girls. Kacey said she should have used one because he's with so many girls. Kacey said it's the alcohol. She said that's what does it to her.
Howard asked Kacey if she's making good money. She said she is but she's spending it too. She said that she blew a lot of it in Las Vegas. She said she blew that whole 30 grand from the Dubai guy. She said that she only fucked him that one time too. She said that she got every spa treatment she could when she had that money.
Howard asked Kacey if she's ever fucked a guy at a spa. She said that one guy was massaging her and he was going up around her butt and she thought the guy was hot so she wanted him to do something. She said she would kind of scoot down on purpose to see if the guy would do anything. She said he was very professional and apologized for touching her there. She said she told him it was okay but he stayed very professional.
Howard asked what kind of money she has. She said she probably has about $100,000 or so. She said she's made over a million in her career but that's what she has now. Howard asked if she's a happy person. She said that she is usually but if she drinks on a few day binge she might try to kill herself. She said she did take a bunch of Xanax once. Gary said she tweeted that she was killing herself one night. She said that she had enough that one night and she had run out of her money from Dubai. Howard asked Kacey how old she is. She's 22 now.
Howard asked Kacey about her night with Charlie Sheen. She said that she has anxiety and she had to take her Xanax the whole night because he was blowing coke smoke in her mouth and stuff like that. Howard said she must have been excited to be going to Charlie's house that night. She said that Charlie's enablers will do anything he says and they got her to come over. She said that Charlie wanted her a year ago but he didn't get her until now. Kacey said she remembered speaking to Charlie a year ago but he went into rehab like 3 days later and then got married and had kids again. She said that she got a call from him on Monday and she figured she'd dress really slutty for him. She said she picked out an outfit and went over.
Kacey told Howard that Charlie saw her and wanted to tell her that he knew all of her scenes and wanted to give her a play by play of one to prove it. Howard wondered how he remembers lines being so fucked up. Howard said he's like Superman. Kacey said that he was all drunk and he had wine stains all over him and things like that. She said he was a mess. Kacey said that the other girls started to leave because Charlie stopped paying attention to them. She said that it was Charlie and one other guy. She said that he was his real estate agent.
Howard asked about the story she told about the guy bringing over the coke in a satchel. She said that the guy brought over these huge things of coke. She said that Charlie is going to continue to use this stuff over and over. She said that they went to watch porn in his theater. She said that he put on some porn and they watched it for like 2 hours. She said that he loves porn and alcohol. Howard said he can only last about 5 minutes watching porn. Kacey said she fell asleep so Charlie woke her up with some coke smoke in her face. Howard said he's not sure why these people can't take a nap and continue partying later instead of staying up all night.
Kacey told Howard about how she asked for a Bentley when Charlie asked her what she wanted from him. She said that he was offering her anything she wanted to come and live at this mansion he's going to have. She said that it was going to be like a Playboy mansion. Howard said he's like a 13 year old boy with money. Kacey said that he signed the lease for this house the night she was there. Howard said that's some plan he has. Kacey said that she's not sure if he's going to go through with it but she was down for it. She said she didn't know he smoked coke like he does.
Howard asked if she thinks Charlie is out of control. She said yes to that. She said she has never seen anything like this before. She said it was more than you'd even see in a movie. She said that he was really out of control and it was just too much for her. She said no one could beat Charlie at what he does. She said she did have fun with him. She said that his teeth are mostly gold. She said that he must have veneers on them for TV. Howard asked if he looks good. She said that he looks odd with the gold teeth. She said that he must have something that he puts on them when he's doing the TV show.
Howard asked when he finally fucked her. She said that it was when she told him that she had to get going. She said that he was very passionate and everything but she was surprised since he was so high. She said that she was already naked in the bathroom doing drugs. Howard asked about the other girls not getting into the tub with him but she didn't remember that. She said they did shower with him. She said that they went to the bedroom after that and he was hitting his pipe while she drank. She said she blew him. She said he also went down on her.
Kacey said she has a ''fat pussy'' so Howard asked what that is. She said it's puffy. Howard wanted to see it. Howard said she's tiny. She said she's only 95 pounds. She said that she's not quite as light as Little Lupe. Fred threw in some audio of Lupe while she showed Howard her pussy. Howard said it's a nice vagine. He said that she's got some body on her. He said she's got a flat stomach. He asked if she eats anything. She said she loves steak and she doesn't have to work out to look like that. She said her hangovers keep her from eating. She said she can eat anything she wants to.
Howard asked about doing a threesome with Little Lupe. She said that Lupe is the best. She said that they've gone down on each other before. She said she did it for Lupe's web site. She had Evan do her for her web site too.
Kacey said that she had done a scene with a guy before she went over to Charlie's so he kind of got sloppy seconds when he went down on her. She said that she was able to get Charlie hard in about 5 minutes. She said that she got the condom on him and then he started fucking her. He was done in a short time and that was it. Howard said she's something else and some girl. Robin asked what she's been doing since then. She said that she got a $30,000 check from him. She said that he was supposed to give her $5,000 but he gave her 30 instead. She said that he made it out to cash too. She said she went right to the bank and cashed it. She said they didn't have the money at the bank. She said she still has some of the cash on her. She said she has 8 on her and they have to pay her the rest. Howard asked how much that was for. She said that they owe her 22,000. Howard said this is some story. Howard said Charlie may not want to see her again since she's got such loose lips. Howard said he likes her honesty. She said that she thinks that her sister told the press about all of this. She said that no one else knew and her sister was joking about it.
Howard asked if her sister is as hot as her. She said that she has a different father but she is hot. She said she's kind of Kardashian like.
Howard said that Kacey is on PornHub.com. He gave her some plugs for that and asked who else she's been with. She was with Tommy Lee too. She said that he's huge and his penis is pierced.
Howard took some phone calls for Kacey and she told one guy that Charlie would take a chunk of coke off and smoke it every 5 minutes. He was smoking weed at the same time too. Howard said he must want to die. Howard said the guy must want to die if he's doing all of this. The caller sounded shocked that Charlie was smoking the coke straight up.
The caller asked if Charlie tossed her salad. She said he didn't but she's had other guys do it. She said that she's done it to guys too but she wouldn't say who it was. She said that some guys are hairy down there and that's why they get skid marks on the bed. She said the last guy she dated had skid marks in the sheets. She said she took the guy to get his asshole waxed and it was the most painful thing for him. She said she was laughing her ass off. Howard said she's seen it all.
The caller asked if Charlie did anything like throw up on her. She said he didn't do that but he does like feet. She said that he was playing with her feet and sucking her toes. She said that doesn't do anything for her. She said that she just continued drinking. Howard said she must want to go back to get another 30 grand from him. She said that she would like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Kacey if she wanted to come over and watch some porn and do some coke. She was on her way out of there so she couldn't do that.
Howard asked if she ever did ass to mouth. She said she did it once. She said that it was for a porno. She said it was in some other girl's ass and the guy spit on it first and then she wiped it down and put it in her mouth.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who asked if she's a cum guzzler. She said she loves cum and she always over salts her food and she thinks that it's actually cum withdrawals.
Another caller asked Kacey if she likes to be spanked and if she was spanked as a child. She said she got the belt from her dad. She said that he would pull her pants down and spank her. Howard said that's kind of weird. She said it was nothing like that and it was just a spanking. Howard asked if her parents are upset about this whole Charlie Sheen thing. She said they're not shocked at all. She said that her parents are trying to be cool with her and they're not too upset about it.
Another caller asked if she's been spit roasted. That's when she gets fucked in the mouth and the ass at the same time. She said she has never done that. She said she just started doing anal so she may do that eventually. Howard told her to be careful back there with her ass.
Another caller asked Kacey if she's afraid that other guys won't want to be with her now that she's come out like this. She said she doesn't usually kiss and tell. She said that no one would have known about this if Charlie didn't O.D. She said she had already left and she had to get out of there or she would have been in the hospital too. She said he was still going when she left.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if she would ride the Sybian. She said she has been on one before. Howard asked if she wanted to get on it. She said she would but she pissed blood this morning. She said she has done it before though. She said she has a kidney infection so it would hurt her to ride it today.
Howard told Kacey that if she's pissing blood she should take the next few days off from drinking. She said she took the medication his morning so she'll be fine. Gary told her that she doesn't have to do any insertion with the Sybian. He said that it would just vibrate her. Howard said that her vagina is broken. Gary asked if she would do it if she had a paying job to ride it. She said she would. Howard told Gary to give her a break. She said she'd have to drink before doing the scene to numb the cooch. Howard thanked her for showing that fat pussy earlier. She said she wouldn't bleed if she rode it but it would be painful.
Howard thanked Kacey for coming in and gave her some plugs for that PornHub.com thing. Howard asked how people can get in touch with her to get her to baby sit. She said that they can contact her through Twitter.
Howard took some more calls and one guy asked if she would be into JD. Howard said he's not sure. He had JD come in to talk to her. Howard said she's never heard anyone speak like JD before. JD said he knows she's not into him. She asked how much money he had. JD said ''Exactly...'' Howard asked if she could see his magnetism. She said that she's sure they could work something out though. Howard said that JD is that prince's retarded son. He also told her that JD has a check for 30 grand but that's his yearly salary.
Howard thanked Kacey for coming in and told her to come back when her kidney is healed up. He said she can ride the Sybian then. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that he didn't want to interrupt Robin. She had her eyes closed and was rocking out to the song.
Howard had Lisa Lampanelli come in. He apologized to her for the delay. Howard asked if she has ever had double penetration. Lisa joked that she had so Howard asked her about fucking Charlie Sheen. Lisa joked that he had been with Jon Cryer. Howard and Lisa joked about a bunch of stuff that Kacey Jordan had just talked about.
Howard asked Lisa about the Comedy Central special, Tough Love, she has coming up. That's coming up in April but Lisa said that they cut out 4 of her favorite jokes. She said she had one about Chaz Bono and said ''Who knew that Sonny Bono crashing into a tree would be the second biggest tragedy in Cher's life...'' She also made a joke where she compared a black person to a chimp and that didn't make it into the show. Another joke that got cut was one that she did about domestic violence. She said that she introduced her husband Jimmy, who is Italian, and said that he hits her with an open fist. She said they're very much against that violence stuff. She also said that she can say that Hispanics are lazy but she can't say that Indians are smelly. She said they didn't let her do that material in the special. Lisa told Howard about the test she does on stage where she asks people who smell the worst and people often say Indian or Arab.
Howard said Lisa hosted the AVN awards. Lisa said they've asked her to do it a bunch of times but she finally did it this year. She said that she had to co-host with some porn girls. Lisa said she got to do her monologue and then she had the girls come up. She said she got a box of porn to watch before doing the hosting but she never watches that stuff. She said that they broadcast it on Showtime so that's why she wanted to do this. Lisa said they sent her a box of 50 pornos and she had no desire to watch it because she's going through menopause.
Howard said he heard about Andy Dick and what went on with him. He was supposed to call in this morning but he's nowhere to be found. Howard said that Andy is hard to deal with.
Howard asked Lisa what happened. Lisa said she had gone out to walk the red carpet and she came back and her manager and make up girl told her that Andy had barged in and said he wasn't leaving until he said hi to Lisa Lampanelli. Lisa said that her manager told Andy that he couldn't stay and Andy called her a ''fucking cunt'' so they kicked him out. Andy asked the make up artist if she wanted to fuck him and blow him too. Lisa said that Andy will fuck anything and he'd probably even drill a hole in a ham and fuck that.
Lisa said she had video of Andy being pulled out of her dressing room and he ended up spitting in the bodyguard's face. She said that Pauly Shore's bodyguard was the one who took him out. Pauly came to her and apologized to her later for what had gone down. Lisa said she's not sure why Andy is even mad at her. Robin said he's upset that she doesn't recognize his illness. Howard did an impression of Andy talking to the Howard 100 News guys about that. He and Lisa went back and forth playing with that. Lisa said she doesn't get why Andy is mad at her. She wasn't there and she's the nicest woman in the world.
Howard said he's worried about Lisa's marriage. He said he heard that she got married but she's only had sex once on the honeymoon. Lisa said they banged on their wedding night. Howard said he had a note saying that she married Jimmy in October of last year and they went to the cape for 4 days and didn't have sex in that time. Lisa said they have sex once a week. She said they're almost 50 and who cares? She said that you bang all the time when you first meet and then it drops off. She said she's very busy and she doesn't have time but they do it every Wednesday night. She said that's date night. Howard said that Jimmy must be jerking it if he's only getting it once a week.
Howard gave Lisa some plugs for some upcoming gigs and that Comedy Central Special. You can find out more at InsultComic.com.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's a massage therapist and she agrees that the Indians are the stinkiest people. Lisa apologized for starting that stereotype. Lisa asked the masseuse if she uses cocoa butter on the blacks. Lisa said they do get ashy. Howard spent a few minutes talking to the woman on the phone before letting her go.
Howard said Lisa is tweeting a lot lately. He said that she recently told a joke about Zsa Zsa Gabor. Lisa said she has no perspective anymore because she's so desensitized. She tweeted that Zsa Zsa had cut her shoe collection in half. She said that TMZ grabbed it and wondered if it was too soon for jokes like that. Lisa said she got mad at TMZ for that so she joked about the size of her house and how it was 27,000 square feet which was 26,999 more than she has. Lisa said she later found out that her husband thought the jokes were funny and they got a kick out of it. Howard said he finds it hard to believe that Zsa Zsa read those jokes. Lisa said maybe it was just the husband who read it.
Howard asked Lisa if she feels bad when she bad mouths these celebrities. She named her dog Parker after Sarah Jessica Parker. Lisa said she's fine with it as long as she's recognized.
Howard heard that Lisa got a part in a movie. Lisa said that she did. She said that she was shocked. Howard asked Lisa about some more of her tweets and how she had joked about Lady Gaga saying that she wanted a perfume that smells like blood and semen. She joked that if she wanted to smell that then she'd just punch Clay Aiken in the mouth.
Howard asked Lisa if she would do David Letterman's show instead of going on Leno. She said she thinks that her act isn't for Dave.
Howard gave Lisa some more plugs for her upcoming Comedy Central show ''Tough Love'' and talked to her about her hair extensions. She said that it's real hair but it's stuck in there every 6 months. She said that hey attack it strand by stand to you. She said that she can run her fingers through it. She said that they should see the extensions on her twat.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw Lisa get in an heckler's face at a show recently and had him kicked out. He wondered if that was for real. Lisa said that it was for real. The caller liked that they kicked him out the way they did.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked how big her gunt is. Lisa said that it's not that big anymore. She said she doesn't have that hang over gunt but she does have a little bit of one. Howard told Lisa not to get too thin. Howard said that she needs to keep the gunt. Howard said that Lisa is great and he loves her. She told him that he doesn't have to worry about her marriage either. She said that if she fucks Jimmy on a Sunday then she'll email Gary. Howard gave Lisa some more plugs, wrapped up and went to break.
Howard had some more Riley Martin clips to play too. He played one where Riley was just rambling about nonsense again and kind of forgetting what he was talking about. He sounded even more wasted than he did in the earlier clip. Howard said he likes how Riley thinks he deserves a raise. Howard played more of the clip and said this guy is a fucking trip. Robin said he's good even drunk. Howard said they never said he was drunk. Robin said he's not in the best of shape or maybe he's under the weather... but he's still on.
Howard said Riley wants more time on the air and if he keeps talking like that then he might get it. Robin said there doesn't seem to be any sense of urgency. She said it sounds like he's just given up. Howard played a clip where Riley gives his shout outs. Riley was even more wasted sounding by that point. It sounded like he was just making up sounds by that point. Howard said he liked the music that was playing behind him in part. Robin said that it sounds like it got worse as the show went along. Whatever it was that was affecting him.
Howard did an impression of Riley but Fred wasn't able to make it happen very quick. Howard eventually did his impression and Fred was doing his impression behind him. He had some music playing behind him like Riley did. Howard gave up on that and had Robin start her news.
Robin read about Halle Berry dropping out of a movie to fight a custody battle. Robin said that she has serious concerns with the father of her child so she's doing what she has to do to protect her. Robin found it odd that she trusted the guy to fuck her but not to take care of their kid.
Robin read a story about Charlie Sheen getting out of more legal trouble. He's not going to be charged with drug possession even though he had the drugs in his house when he was brought to the hospital. Robin said that there are people wishing him well even after all of this. She had some audio of Dennis Haysbert wishing him well.
Robin read some news about what's going on in Egypt. Robin said that they're calling for the ousting of Hosni Mubarak. Robin had some updates about how many deaths there have been over there since this uprising started 8 days ago. Robin said they've cut access to the internet and cell phones. Howard said if he was the leader he'd turn on more of those services to keep them busy. Howard said he'd give them anything to keep them occupied. They went to break after that.
After the break Robin got back to her news and read more about the American citizens who are stuck over in Egypt. Howard said he knows better than to go over to a country like that. He said he would never go there and get stuck. He said he hates meeting other people here in this country, never mind another country.
Robin read about the upcoming Super Bowl and they were questioning Ben Rothlesberger about his alleged sexual assault case. Howard said that they should leave the guy alone. He was cleared in that case. Robin had some audio of someone from the team talking about how that goes all the way back to last spring.
Robin read about Jack Lalanne's funeral and who will be there. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Richard Simmons are a couple of people who will be there. Howard did his impression of Richard and said he bets that he'll make that funeral all about him. Robin said that Denise Austin will also be there. Howard did an impression of her too. He said she barely has a voice. Howard said Richard will be crying like he's John Boehner.
Robin read a story about George W. Bush's daughter Barbara coming out for Gay Marriage. She had some audio of a commercial she was part of.
Robin read some news about the government coming out with new dietary guidelines. That led to Howard doing impressions of his parents talking about their diet. He had them talking about how they go out to eat and they get yogurt and bring their own berries. Robin wondered what his mother eats. Howard filled her in on what he knew about what they eat. Howard stayed in character for a few minutes goofing around with that. He had them arguing and yelling at each other over the details. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a Canadian man who admitted to sexually abusing a few Thai boys aged 3-10. Howard said those are some fucked up motherfuckers. Robin said there's a business for that over there. Howard said they say there's more money in that than there is for the Mets.
Robin read about how a judge in Florida has found that the health care reform is unconstitutional. Robin had some audio of the woman talking about that. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a bedbug meeting down in Washington DC. Robin said the meeting is 2 days long and they're trying to figure out what can be done to stop infestations across the country. Howard said all they have to do is bring back DDT.
Robin read about this new movie ''Sanctum'' which is a new James Cameron film. Howard said it doesn't look like a real movie and he has no desire to see it. Howard said he can't even go to the theaters in New York because they're loaded with bedbugs. Robin said she's never had a problem and he's just spreading rumors. Robin had some audio of one of the stars of the film. Howard said he got a note saying that Cameron didn't even have anything to do with the film and he just slapped his name on it. JD told Gary that he was one of 9 producers on the film. Robin had another one of the stars talking about the movie. Howard did another live commercial a short time later.
Robin read a story about Bristol Palin and how she was supposed to speak at a college about abstinence. Howard said they canceled that. Robin said they did cancel it and they were supposed to pay her $20,000 to do it. Howard said they should reduce the tuition for the students instead of paying her that 20 grand. Howard said he heard they're replacing Bristol with Kacey Jordan.
Robin read about Eva Longoria's divorce being finalized. Howard said she's so full of herself and he can't imagine anyone wanting to be married to her. Robin said she's met her and she's actually very nice. Robin read more details about the divorce.
Robin said the movie ''The Rite'' was number one at the box office this weekend. She had some details about the movie and one of the priests they based the movie on. Howard said they're a couple of kooks. Howard goofed on the guy as he was listening to the clip. He said the guy is a bullshit artist and they paid him to be a consultant on it.
Robin read about a new movie called ''Cedar Rapids'' which is opening this week. She had some audio of Anne Hache talking about that. Howard said he liked her better when she was married to Ellen Degeneres. Howard played her clip and cut it off pretty quick when he heard what the premise of the movie was.
Robin said the movie ''Let Me In'' is out on DVD. She had some audio of one of the stars talking about it. Howard said he saw the foreign version of the film. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:05am.
Jon went over some of the other stuff he wanted to talk about and brought up Kacey Jordan. He wondered if any of what she talked about today is going to come back to bite her. Gary said he doesn't think so. He said he thinks that she was very genuine and she wasn't dancing around them at all. He felt she was a great guest. Jon agreed.
Gary said that the Charlie Sheen story is to them what Egypt is to other news outlets. Jon and Gary talked about how odd it is that Charlie likes to hang out and watch porn with porn stars. Will said that Charlie was a big fan of her vagina and she told him that she's very well known for her pussy. Benjy said it did look hot in some of her pictures.
JD came in so Jon said they had to talk to him. JD said he didn't mean to bring the show to a halt. Will said that's what he does.
JD said he went in the studio and Kacey's eyes were just like the hot girls in high school. He said she looked at him like she was disappointed.
Jon asked Gary about why he was pushing her to ride the Sybian. Gary said the Howard TV guys wanted her to ride it so he went in and pushed for it. He said Robin went after him like he was doing something horribly wrong but he wasn't the one who was at Charlie Sheen's house.
Jon brought up the story she told about Kevin Federline. They were wondering why she had to fuck him in the kid's room and not in his bedroom. Gary said he couldn't figure that out. He said there must be something going on there. He said maybe the nursery is some kind of turn on or he just doesn't want her in his bedroom.
Jon had Teddy play a clip where Kacey talked about losing her pregnancy after sleeping with Kevin Federline.
Jon said that Benjy was kind of taken with Kacey. Benjy said she was very real and very matter of fact and he liked that. He said that she seemed pretty intelligent too. He said she was hot too. He said it was kind of sad hearing that she might be trying to kill herself in that tweet she put out. Jon wondered if she's long for this world. Gary said you can never predict what's going to happen.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he calls the puffy pussy lips ''a Big Montana'' which is an Arby's roast beef sandwich. Gary pulled up a picture of the sandwich and got a laugh out of that. Gary said he didn't think it looked gross and flabby today but it does look big.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he loved that interview. He said her honesty was great. He said she was giving out addresses and last names and everything. The caller also said that Jeff Levy is great on the show because of his honesty. He said anyone that's honest on the show is great.
The guys were wondering how the story broke and how Kacey was saying that it may have been her sister that leaked it. They also talked about how she got a $30,000 check and the bank didn't have enough cash to pay her.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loves Will Murray. He went on to say that this chick is the grossest chick they've ever had on the show. He said she's going to turn into a rubber mask eventually. Gary said he liked how she said that she didn't date K-Fed and that she just fucked him. The caller wondered if that stuff is all real when she says that she fucks so many guys. He said he wants to see chicks who are really into doing it and not just doing it because they get paid.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if people ever call the show and try to get people like Kacey to stop talking. Gary said that they had Scott Baio call in and go off on a girl who was saying he had a small dick. Gary said once Cher called and yelled at him when they had her boyfriend on. He said he also had Matthew Perry call in once when they read a story about him in the National Enquirer. He said the publicist called in and said they had it in for him and he said they were just reading it in the paper and not following him. Gary said he might have other stories, he just has to remember them. They went to break a short time later.
Jon moved on to talk about the Ralph and Howard conversation today. He said that both Howard and Ralph seemed ticked off. Gary said he thought that Ralph was going to tell him he was just doing his best. He said Ralph complained about Beth coming in to see what he was going to wear and Howard basically said ''fuck you'' to him for complaining. Jon said that they do seem to like calling each other names and goof on one another.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loved Gary's book and he loves puffy pussy. Pete in Pittsburgh called in next and this story is huge on the internet. He said he's on Facebook talking about it. He said that it could be Gary's lowest moment though because he wanted her to ride that Sybian even though she had blood coming out of her. Gary said she didn't have any blood coming out of her today.
Pete was also going off on Gary for his Parks and Recreation committee position and how he can never run for office because of that. Pete also asked Gary if he's going to go home and tell his kids about what he did on the show today. Gary said he doesn't tell his kids about a lot of stuff on the show. Gary said something about this father so Pete told him not to talk about him. Pete changed the subject and said that the Steelers are going to win the Super Bowl. Gary said they suck. That led to him and Jon talking about that for a couple of minutes.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk about Howard's hatred toward Piers Morgan. Gary said he doesn't think it's a hatred. He said Howard has taken a career to achieve something and Piers isn't there yet but he's acting like he is. The caller said that Piers is loathed over there in England. He said that he was a big editor of the Daily Mirror and then went on TV and did an interview show but it bombed really badly. Jon said he thinks that Howard was just telling Piers to earn his keep there as a host before making these claims. Jon said that he was trying to mix things up with Howard though.
Benjy wondered if Piers has to keep certain ratings. Jon said he's predicting that he's going to be gone by Summer. He said that they could get someone cheaper to get better ratings. Gary said they never let anything develop anymore. He said that they dub stuff a failure and it's just starting. Gary said that they have no room to grow anymore. Jon said they'll have to see what happens.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he really enjoyed Gary's book. He also brought up the problem with Howard and Ralph. He said that Ralph probably just wanted to get his job done and get out of there. He said he's not sure why he's defending Ralph but that's the feeling he got. He said that's what Howard does to people all the time so he got a little taste of it from Ralph.
Jon said he thinks that Howard doesn't sound that excited about doing Letterman either. The caller said that maybe he was trying to get it all sorted out and just get out of there.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he didn't think Gary's comments to Kacey were all that bad. Gary said she could have gotten on and ridden it and he would have been the hero.
Jon took a call from a guy who corrected Gary on some football stuff that they were talking about. Jon got back to Kacey Jordan after that. He talked about her story about being flown over by that prince. He said that's not the first time they've heard that kind of story. Gary said he thinks it's much more common than they know. They had to take another break after that.
Ralph and JD were goofing around with each other for a minute so Jon had to bring it back. He asked Ralph about the relationship Ralph has with Howard and how they joke around with each other. Ralph said he was trying to work yesterday and that's what was going on. He said it was 3 in the afternoon and Howard didn't want to be trying on clothes. He said he may have gotten frustrated with something but he didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Jon asked Ronnie what he thought of Ralph today. Ronnie said he was being Ralph and he doesn't take anyone's crap. Ronnie said he was being a little bitchy with Ralph. Ralph said they were both being a little cunty. He said that Howard was saying that he's been very good to him and he's not sure what he's getting at with that. He said there may be something going on there.
Ronnie said that he and Howard haven't really had any bad arguments... except for a few times. He laughed after saying that. He said he thinks Howard was serious when he's argued with him though. He got mad at him about the one Limo he got and also about the Scores party that he invited like 50 people to.
Ronnie said that he'd rather hear this stuff off the air than on. Ralph said he feels the same. JD said he thinks that Howard was a little perturbed but maybe not pissed.
Jon said that he was going to let Ralph go. Ronnie said that the show was kind of boring. Ronnie was patting JD on the head during the commercial break and he was giving him a hard time. Jon said that they do seem to be best buddies lately. Ronnie said that they've always been buddies. Ronnie said that it's the guys at Howard TV who tell JD to come over and bust his balls. He said he's seen Doug tell Sal and Richard to come over and bust his balls.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Ralph considers Howard a friend. He thinks that's why he's comfortable to treat Howard the way he does.
Another caller asked if they think Howard has changed the culture and if there were girls like this Kacey Jordan when they were growing up. Jon said that Howard has changed the culture and he's crushed those inhibitions that people have. He said that's what makes him such a special broadcaster. Jon said Howard was the one who paved the way for people to talk about sex on the air. The caller said that Howard isn't just talking about it, he's getting them to do the stuff they're talking about. The caller said he hopes that it's noted that Howard has revolutionized the culture. Jon said that some people will say that they're just kissing his ass but if you look at the industry before and after Howard you see that he was a big influence.
Ronnie mentioned the Dr. Laura thing from the other day and how she could have stopped the calls that were coming in. He said he listened to 45 minutes of that show to hear of more calls got through. JD said ''Sure'' to that and figured he liked the show. Ronnie said he listened to 85 minutes of that show total just to hear if anyone got through.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what Ronnie is doing there. He said he should be at the psychiatrist's office. Ronnie said he's going once a week. The caller said that Howard told him to double it up. Jon asked if people are giving him a hard time about it. Ronnie said he's fine and no one is bothering him about it. He said he's not crazy, he's fuckin' normal. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how he watches all of those MSNBC and FOX news shows and you can't figure out what half the people are talking about. Howard said Chris Matthews is very opinionated. He said that Bill O'Reilly has an opinion. Robin said he does even though he says it's the ''no spin zone.'' Howard said Chris Matthews was talking about Senator Dick Luger and he said ''Dick Licker'' instead. JD told Howard it wasn't Chris who said that, it was another guy on the show who said it.
Howard played the clip after that. The guy said ''Dick Licker'' and Howard said those guys all talk so fast that you have no idea what they're talking about. If you don't talk like that then you're out. Howard said he watches all of those shows and he has no idea what they're disagreeing about. Robin said you learn absolutely noting on those shows. Howard said he loves the yelling.
Howard had a few more clips to play. He had a clip of a news reporter saying ''shit together'' instead of sit together. Howard said there was another local NBC interview where this guy was yelling at some dude while the reporter was trying to interview him. The guy was the Staten Island Boro President. They went live to him and he was on the phone at the time so they cut away as he said ''fuckin'' in the middle of a sentence.
Howard said Conan O'Brien was saying the same thing he said about giving the Egyptian people the internet to keep them busy. Howard said he's amazed by what's going on over there in Egypt. He said that it's remarkable about the age we live in now and how people can organize rapidly over the internet. He said it's like one bit Walkie Talkie. Howard said we might see real change. Robin said we are seeing real change. Howard said that it's the young people who are doing it because they're the ones on Twitter and Facebook.
Robin said that they can organize get together in malls and things like that and it's really important. Howard said that the American Revolution would have been much easier if they had Twitter back in those days.
Howard said he's going to fly out to Egypt and organize a Thriller dance there. He said that would be great if they could get them all to do that. He said they call that Flash Mob. He said they should do some of that over in Egypt. Howard said they'll flash mob by the pyramids. They can do the Achy Breaky there or something like that.
Fred played Thriller while Howard talked about that. Howard said he really didn't care about any of those Michael Jackson songs. He said he has no problem with it but he's just not into it. He said he knows there are a lot of people who are though. Thriller was playing and Howard said he actually hates it. He said it sounds really dated. Robin didn't think it did. Fred agreed with Robin and said that it wasn't dated and it was some great music. He said he's not a fan but Michael Jackson really put his best foot forward with that music.
Howard said that the Howard TV guys had video of High Pitch Mike doing the Thriller dance. He checked that out. Howard said that Mike is into Michael Jackson and some other stuff. He said that he's gone all out gay since he came out. Howard said he's very typically gay. He's the trifecta of gay. Howard said he likes that Mike came out. He said he'd definitely into the gay stuff. He's into Lady Gaga and he had to go to some concert that was very gay. Howard said that Lady Gaga is really weird too. Fred played some of her music too. Howard said he could do the Thriller dance to that music too. He demonstrated for Robin.
Howard said there's a TV show called ''The Challenge'' and someone answered Howard Stern for a question that wasn't about him. The contestant thought it was Howard Stern but it was Dr. Laura that they were looking for. It was a question about getting suspended for a racial slur.
Howard played the clip from Rosie's show where Jeanette was talking about how great Howard is. She was talking about how he thanked her for saying what she said about him.
Howard said that the unlimited head thing could get kind of annoying. He said that Jessica Hahn used to talk about how she'd keep a guy's dick in her mouth even after he was done. She would sleep with it like a pacifier. He said that could get kind of annoying.
Howard played more of the Rosie audio where Jeanette was saying that he is a good looking man and Beth wouldn't have married him if he wasn't. She was also talking about what Howard said about his balls being smelly and how she might not like it. She said she lost her sense of smell from a drug she took so she told him not to worry about that. She also said that Howard said she wants to come and meet her when they do their show from the Fish Bowl studio again.
Howard said he really has to fuck this broad. He was blown away by what she was saying about him and how into him she sounded. Howard played more of the audio and she was saying that she isn't going to land Howard Stern. She said that he's not going to offer her an all day sucker either.
Howard said she might be into him more than Jillian Barberie. He said Jillian does get on the air and talk about him every day though. He said they were talking about Kacey Jordan on her show and she was in the background yelling about how great his interview was with her. He said she's always bringing him up.
Howard said that this Jeanette really needs his rod. Robin said that she's either going to be like a sex kitten or she'll be like Kathy Bates in Misery. Howard said that he's looking for the attention so he'd be good either way. Howard said this makes him very happy when he hears a woman talking about him like that.
Howard said he went back and waited by this awning Ronnie told him to wait by. He said that he was like a new born horse or something. Howard said that he's just falling apart and it's not good.
Howard said he was evaluating himself nude last night too. He said he thinks that he might be done with porn. He said that Vinnie Favale told him about this web site Xhamster.com where you can watch porn. Howard said he thought the girls were disgusting on the site so he went back to YouPorn instead. Howard said he gave up on trying to masturbate because he wasn't getting anywhere. He said he was tugging on that thing like taffy and it wasn't doing anything.
Howard said Vinnie has really bad taste in porn. He said that the girls looked like Vinnie. He said it was really bad. He said they had girl on girl and teens but it wasn't really teens. He said he saw some real depravity in the porn he was watching. He said he just put away his tissues and gave up.
Howard said he came from the gym earlier and he thought his ass looked good in the mirror there. He said he got home and he has horrible lighting in his bathroom. He said his ass is full of cellulite and dimples and craters. He said he's never seen anything like it. He said he gets home and it looks awful but at the gym it was fine.
Robin said she went on the Xhamster.com web site and she could see action over the little tabs. She said that she saw the headings for the different types of porn. Howard said they act like it's amateur but it's not. He said that it was just gross. He said that one girl put a butt plug in her ass and she was getting pulled around by a chain and she was missing a tooth. Howard said it was like torture. Robin said they had a title of ''babes.'' Howard said they weren't babes. He said that the MILFS were women with bellies. Howard said he wasn't into anything on that site. Howard said he thought about watching the gay stuff because he wasn't getting off on the straight stuff. Howard said he can't watch the blow job stuff because the women spit on the cocks now. He said he's grossed out by that. Robin said Kacey Jordan was talking about how she spit on a dick after it came out of another woman's ass. Howard was grossed out just hearing that.
Howard said he gets off on porn where they have a student and teacher thing. He said that he likes the build up and doesn't even care about the sex when he gets to that. Howard said he watched one where this guy had tattoos all over him and he was playing the student. Howard said you'd think they'd get someone who looks young but he didn't. Howard said the teacher had to drive him home. Howard said she gets naked and she's licking her and the vagina is in your face and there is no mystery there. Howard said he doesn't dig women spitting on a penis. He said he doesn't want to see penises up close either.
Robin said they have a celebrities title there on the site. Howard said that he's in a rush to get that over with so he doesn't spend much time looking. He said he uses his iPad for porn and he's afraid that he's going to blow a load on it. He said he would have to throw it away if he did. Howard said he can just imagine bringing it to the Apple store to get it fixed. He said he's not sure they cover semen in the warranty.
Robin said they have ''funny porn'' on the site too. Howard said that's just pathetic porn. Robin read through some of the other categories but Howard had this guy Greg Gordon on the phone.
Greg said that he was thinking about the congresswoman who got shot he was really turned off to that and he doesn't recognize the guy he used to be. He said the guy who did the shooting is now going to be like a David Hinkley. Robin asked why he doesn't get a job then.
Greg asked if they've ever heard of the QWERTY keyboard. Howard said of course they have. Greg said that carpel tunnel syndrome is a big problem in the world so he's doing something about it. He said it's killing people. Howard cut him off and said that it's not killing anyone. Howard said it's a psychological problem. He said that Dr. John Sarno explains it all in his books. Howard said that you will learn that it can be alleviated with his methods. Greg said it's a problem with the keyboard itself.
Greg tried to explain it but Howard kept cutting him off and said that it's not the keyboard. He said that it's a psychological thing. Howard ended up arguing with Greg about the way the keyboard was laid out. Greg said that it's the layout but it's also the way the keys are on there. He said you can find out more at LightOfTheWorld.com.
Greg said he's suing every keyboard maker and every operating system maker out there. Howard asked if he still thinks that he's Jesus. Greg said of course he does. He said he's going to get every keyboard changed from QWERTY to Dvorak. Howard said that he doesn't want his keyboard changed.
Howard said this sounds retarded. Greg said he knows it does but he's going to sue anyway. He said he's suing for $3 trillion. Howard asked why not 2 trillion instead of 3. Greg said that his lawyer was suggesting that he does it that way. He said he was just looking for a billion. Howard said that everything he's done has been a failure so far. Even trying to kill the president was a failure.
Howard said he's imagining what it must be like for this guy's roommate. Howard said that should be a reality show. Howard asked Greg about his roommate and how long it took before he started to blow him. Greg said he had another one who it only took about 30 minutes to get. This guy was about 2 days. Greg said that he took it up the ass from the guy too. He said that they've never kissed so he's straight. He said that the guy watches straight porn and he blows him and takes it up the ass from the guy. Howard asked if the roommate thinks that it's gay. Greg said he's there. Greg tried calling him but he wasn't there. Howard said he probably went to the authorities.
Gary asked who initiates it. Greg said he does usually. Greg said that he's good at giving blow jobs so he can make a few bucks if he has to. Howard said Greg has a great life. He said that he's living in Florida and getting sex. Meanwhile they're in New York stuck in an ice storm. Howard said he had a doorman take his arm while he was trying to walk in the ice. Howard said the guy was grabbing him like he grabs his parents.
Greg told Howard that he's working on this lawsuit. Howard said that he's glad that he's doing this because it keeps him from doing other wacky shit. Howard let him go a short time later.
Gary said he's going to get a call from the Secret Service later today asking for a CD of his appearance. He said that Greg is on their radar for life and they have to follow everything he's doing. He said he got a manifesto from him about 13 years ago and they had to come down and get a copy of it to read what he's up to. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said Will got him some more menus and now he's thinking about just ordering soup for lunch instead. He said he could do chicken noodle. He said that for $4.99 he can get 16 ounces of that. He said that they have all kinds of good soups on this list. He said that some of them sounded pretty good. He read through the list of soups and wondered why his lunch is such a hassle. Robin said it's because he's eating so early. He eats lunch at 8:30.
Howard said he was thinking about getting breakfast instead of lunch. Howard asked what's in a smoothie. Robin said it could be a lot of things. Howard read about this one and it wasn't very clear. He said there's a place called The Pump where they have a drink that's supposed to be really healthy. Howard read about this drink and it was a coffee drink. He read about another one that had a bunch of stuff in it. Robin said that it's not going to be enough for Howard. Howard said he thinks it'll be fine. Gary said that smoothies are one of those things that can be calorie filled.
Howard said that Gary is really gross. He was over last night and he was very phlegmy. He said that he was in his apartment snorting through the whole meeting. Gary said he was fine through the whole meeting and then he had a Wheat Check thing and it got stuck in his throat. Howard said he was sick. Gary insisted he wasn't sick. It was food stuck in his throat. Howard said he knows he has a cold or something.
Howard was going off on Gary and Gary was insisting he was fine. He was sick last week though. Gary said he just had the Wheat Check thing suck in his throat. Howard said he wasn't able to concentrate because of this. He said that Don was fine and David Heydt was fine, Tim was fine. He said that it was every 2 minutes that he was doing this. Gary said it lasted for about 10 minutes.
Howard said that he got so annoyed at the meeting. He said it was going on for 2 hours so he got up and just stood up and threw them all out. Gary said they all left after that.
Howard said he has to talk to some people around there. He said that he's amazed at what goes on there. Gary said it's like from the Larry Sanders show where he says he wants out of the loop. Howard said he doesn't want to be involved with the budget and all of that. Howard said that was 2 hours he could have been reading the paper for the next show. Gary said he did say that last night too. Howard said Gary was busy phlegming all over the place. Howard said he has a space for these meetings but he really doesn't want people in there. He said he's never having another meeting in there. Gary said it was really hot in there. Howard said that Don complained about the cold last time so he had the heat up. He said that he likes it warm though so he keeps it that way. Howard said he felt like he was in Pompano Beach with Jesus.
Gary got back to the lunch thing. He told Howard that those drinks can be very fatty. Robin told Howard that the juices are all sugar so he can't do that. Howard said he just wants some soup or something to drink for lunch. Robin told him to get the soup with beans. Howard showed Will which one to get. It was garden vegetable and Navy bean. Will said that he'll do the best he can today. He's not sure if they'll be able to make it happen. Then he said they'll make it happen for him.
Robin told Howard that he should consider a vegetarian thing from this place she goes to. She has a friend who runs this place so she would make it happen. Howard said he's not interested in a vegetarian meal. Robin said she's going to talk to her and see what she can do for Howard. Howard said he's looking for a healthy kind of drink like a smoothie.
Howard said that the camera is distracting to him. Robin said she's been trying some new apps but she has no idea how to use them.
JD came in to give Howard some suggestions on who to follow. Howard said he's heard that Robin is no good but he's going to follow her. He said that he will delete her if she disappoints him. Howard said he's going to follow JD. Howard asked Fred if he follows JD. Fred said he does not. Robin doesn't either but she said she's going to start. Howard told Fred he should have an account.
Howard said JD is much more articulate when he writes. He said that he's good on Facebook. Howard said that he turned him on to Big Mama's House. Fred did an impression of JD talking about being alone.
Howard asked Gary about his Twitter account getting hacked every week. Gary said he think she figured out what happened. He said that it was through TwitPic that he was getting hacked. Gary said that someone was breaking in and posting links to some kind if diet.
Gary said that JD turned him on to a movie that looks great. It's called ''I Think We're Alone Now'' and it's about stalkers who followed Tiffany. Howard asked about that movie. Gary said that they're still into Tiffany even though she's older now. Howard said she must like it in some way. Gary said they show one guy hugging her after he gets to meet her. He said that it's just a trailer now so they don't know what happens.
JD told Howard who to follow. Howard said he heard that Bree Olson is a good one to follow. JD said she posts a lot of dirty stuff. Robin said that Kanye West and 50 Cent are a couple of others. He said that 50 will ask girls to do stuff for him. Howard said he's not interested in that. Howard said he would follow Conan and Bill Maher. He would follow Tracy Morgan too. he's going to follow Joan Rivers and Gilbert Gottfried too. Howard said Roger Ebert is supposed to be a good one too. John Stamos is another one. He said he will follow Jon Favreau. Ralph is on with his Geektime stuff too. Jon Hein, Steve Brandon and others are on there.
Howard played some audio of Benjy doing that and he called her ''Lease'' so Howard went off on him about that. Ronnie came in and said Benjy is a weirdo. He said he stands in the hall staring at people. He did that with Kacey Jordan. Robin said that he does that with the guests they have on who he thinks he could get.
Howard said Benjy was gazing at him in the staff meeting yesterday. He said that it was really creepy. Benjy said he doesn't think he stares at him. Howard asked why he stuck around after the meeting. Benjy said he had a meeting with Tim. Ronnie said Benjy was going around looking for Gary and wandering around and stuff. Ronnie said that he was really acting strange.
Howard played the audio of Benjy asking Lisa out. He was saying that they could just go out for drinks and maybe hang for a few and she can leave if she wants to. Benjy was acting really odd and Lisa said he looked high. Shuli said he didn't look high to him. Lisa said she would go out with Benjy if there were other people around. She said that she thinks that he'd be better with someone younger. Benjy said he wants to take her on a date. He was speaking his a soft voice and sounded like he was wasted. Shuli negotiated a real date between the two.
Howard said he thinks that Lisa was trying to be nice and not says that she's attracted to him. Howard asked who was doing the news preview today. It was Lisa so she came in and said that she and Benjy are so opposite. She said that he's late and she's always on time. She said that Benjy is a mess. Howard said that Benjy does get girls. Robin said that he wears them down. Howard said he does get women though.
Benjy said Gary got a note from someone the other day. Gary said that one woman who stopped by the Wrap Up Show said that he was really cute.
Benjy said he would be a fuck buddy if Lisa wanted to. Howard said that he can fill her needs. Lisa wasn't interested. Howard told them to have sex and see how it goes and then go from there.
Lisa said that Gary has written some new stuff for the paperback of his book. Howard asked if he's going to be ding promotion. Lisa said that it will be a small tour. Howard said Gary is such an asshole. He said he has to stop with the tour. Howard said that Mitt Romney mentioned Baba Booey on David Letterman last night when he did a top 10 list. Howard had the audio clip so he played that and Mitt says that his new biography is called ''They Call Me Baba Romney.''
Lisa got back to her news and read about how Steve Grillo wants to cover the Oscar's. He didn't know that they won't be able to get him in since it's too late to get in.
Lisa said that High Pitch Mike wrote an article for The Advocate and he's talking about how great his mother is and how everyone should have someone backing him up like she does. Howard said Mike seems a lot calmer now that he's come out. Lisa said he has his Janet Jackson tickets. Howard said that he needs a boyfriend. Howard asked if he's blowing or banging anyone. Lisa said that she hasn't heard anything.
Lisa said that Whitney Cummings has two TV shows that are going into production. She'll find out later this year if they're going to get picked up.
Robin gave Howard some more suggestions for people to follow on Twitter. Lisa was also asking Howard if he wanted her to make him breakfast. Howard said he has a problem with people he knows making him his food. He said he needs it to come from a restaurant. He had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Scott DePace was the only one who didn't get in this morning because of the ice. Howard wondered what's up with that. Gary said that it was tough driving today. He said he and Scott have about the same commute. Doug said Scott has a driveway that goes up when he's coming out. He wasn't even able to get up or down it when he got home yesterday. Howard said that most people will park the car at the end of the driveway and walk. Howard said he's not going to get involved with Howard TV. He said he'll let them take care of themselves.
Howard said that JD follows someone on Twitter who has pictures of hot girls in Yoga pants. Howard said that sounds hot to him. He said he'll follow that.
Howard said he's going to be on Letterman tomorrow night. He said he's bumming out about that. He said he's not going to make a list this time. He said he's just going to go on and talk about the Sirius phone app. Howard said he's going to make Dave do some work this time. He'll just walk in and tell them they should be happy he's there to look at. He said he doesn't know what to talk about. He said he talks about the stuff he wants to talk about on his own show. Howard said he's not sure what people will want to hear again. Howard said he may go out as his mother and father.
Howard said he got an email from Piers yesterday and he basically said he heard what he was saying about him. He said Piers asked to be on his show. Howard said he called Gary and told him to book him for the show. The next thing he knows he's tweeting about him and Piers was saying that he was smarter than him in his interview. Howard said the guy got defensive. Howard said his publicist was upset about what he said about Piers.
Howard said this is the problem that he's going to tell Piers on Monday. He said that Piers might be the problem because he's not reading the situation. Howard said Piers was tweeting about how he was all over him at the Knick's game. Howard said that's not how he remembers it. He said that piers was the one who was tapping him on the shoulder to say hello. Howard said that he didn't even stick around to talk to the guy while Beth was talking to him.
Howard said that Piers was posting about how he thinks he's afraid that he's going to be the new King of All Media. Howard said he's not worried about that and he has no reason to be. He said that he's reached the pinnacle of his career already. He said he beat the shit out of every competitor he was up against. He said that if Piers is competing with him then he's in big trouble. Howard said that Piers can take that title if he wants but his ratings are lower than Larry King's were. Howard said he has to beat Sean Hannity and infomercials. Howard said he lost to a documentary about a supermarket the other night. Howard said that he's not going to be the King of All Media.
Howard said that this is like Imus claiming that he was number 2 to his number 1 when he was actually number 27.
Howard said that Piers posted about how he wants him to invite him on his show if he thinks he's hard enough. Howard said he is going to straighten him out on Monday when he comes in. Howard said he has to stop tweeting so much. He said he should say it on his TV show. He can't do that because he tapes the show 5 days in advance. Howard said that anyone who is doing well on cable is giving their opinion. He said that he should save the tweets for the air. He said his TV show has to be like that.
Howard got a note about how Piers had posted that he has accepted his challenge and he'll be on his show on Monday. Howard said he's going to straighten him out on Monday and let him know that it's not just the two of them. He said it's Howard Stern, then 5 billion other people, and then Piers. Howard said he should be doing all of this stuff on his show and not over Twitter. Howard said that Piers has to get ratings first and then say he's the King of All Media. Howard said Glenn Beck is beating him. Sean Hannity is beating him. He has to beat them before he can be the King of All Media. Howard asked what's wrong with this guy. He said that he's misreading what's going on there.
Howard said that Piers shouldn't be spending an hour talking to Condoleeza Rice and the Kardashians. He said that he should spend 10 minutes with them and then talk about this other stuff.
Howard said that the black players on the Knicks only say hi to the black stars in the front row. He said they won't acknowledge him or say hello. He said they'll say hi to Magic Johnson, Spike Lee and Tracy Morgan. Howard said he feels that the picture is good for America. He said it's like a healing kind of thing. He said it should be shown all over. Howard said if he went there in black face the players may talk to him. Robin asked if he wanted to try that. Howard said he'd get his ass kicked real good.
Howard read about how that same person appeared on the show in another segment too. Howard said she's a big phony. Robin said that she's no doctor. Howard said that Captain Janks was probably right and it's not often that he is so they have to give him his due. Howard said that Ronnie has been listening to Dr. Laura and he's listening for any fans that are making it through.
Howard came back and took a call from a guy who said that Kacey was a great interview yesterday. He said he thinks that she even told the drug dealer's name. The guy wondered what the difference was between fat pussy lips and veal cutlet lips. Howard wasn't sure. The caller said that he thinks Lisa should change her name to veal cutlets too.
Another caller went off on Dr. Laura calling her a bunch of names. He also asked if he's giving Leno ratings if he leaves him on his DVR. Howard said if he doesn't have a ratings box then he's not giving him anything. He said that they can't monitor him if they don't have that box. Robin said they do report things for DVRs though.
Howard had Jeff Jarvis (@JeffJarvis) on the phone so they asked him about the DVR thing. Jeff said he missed the question. Howard asked the question that the previous caller had asked. Jeff said that it's not a metered home so he's fine. Jeff said he got some email from some people telling him he had to call him and straighten him out on his Droid phone. Jeff said that he just got back from being out of the country for a few weeks. He told Howard what he saw going on in Egypt and he wants Al Jazerra in English on their cable systems so we can monitor what's going on.
Jeff told Howard that he spoke to a guy at Google who is in charge of the Android operating system and he's willing to call in and talk about what he can do. Howard said he's going to get the bigger battery and he's got a program that turns off apps. Jeff said he could carry around an extra battery with him. Howard said he's not going to do that. He said he has a backing on his phone and he doesn't want to be that involved with it.
Jeff said he's carrying the Galaxy Tab now. That's an Android tablet. He said that he can even fit it in his pocket. Howard said he heard about the Xoom. Jeff said it's beautiful and it has no buttons on the front. He said it's very fast and it does some neat things. He said it's very fast and it will do instant translation for you. He said it has Flash and it has a decent battery on it. Howard said he wants it. Jeff said it should be out in about 6-8 weeks. Jeff said they had 72 tablets at CES. He said that he had an iPad but he returned it. He said that it's almost as big as his laptop and the Galaxy tab can fit in his pocket.
Howard asked what the difference is between fat pussy lips and veal cutlets. Jeff laughed and said he didn't know.
Jeff told Howard he would have the guy from Android call him if he wants help with his phone. Howard said that he doesn't think he'll do that. He said he's excited by all of the technology but he's having a crisis. He said that he thinks the Xoom might be the answer to his problems. He said that he's not sure what to do. He said he has to give people what they really want. He said every device has something wrong with it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's one of the most intelligent people in the entertainment world right now. He said he finds it hard to comprehend that he goes to the psychiatrist as much as he does. He said that he blew away Saturday Night Live when he had his Saturday show and he can't believe he needs that much therapy. Howard said that having financial success is one thing but that's not emotional success. He said he's a fucking mess personally. He said he has never resolved these issues he has. He said he has to work on that so that's why he goes to therapy. Howard said those are things that he can't learn in a book. Howard said he thinks he's always been this way but now he can afford paying for a psychiatrist. Howard said that it is helping him too.
Howard said there are things with his personality that upset him. He said that there are some things that he's missing and he knows he's missing them. The caller asked if being married to a psychologist before has anything to do with him wanting to find out. Howard said it has nothing to do with that. This is his personal journey and he's having trouble understanding what people are talking about. The caller asked if he was in therapy in his last marriage. Howard said he started going toward the end.
Howard said he is distant and he can't talk to people and stay focused on them. Howard said that people bore the fuck out of him. The caller said that he's great at doing interviews though. Howard said Robin must notice that he zones out during conversation. Robin said that she just leaves when he does that. Howard said it's not that he doesn't care about her. He just can't pay attention. Benjy asked if he has that problem with his kids. Howard said he could have been a better father if he had more communication skills. He said that he would take the kids out and be part of their life but he thinks he could have been better. He said he could have had more empathy for them.
Howard said he did have conversations with Fred and Robin at their party. He said that he has issues and he's trying to work them out. He said he knows where they come from and why his defense system is so strong. Robin asked what he's guarding himself against. Howard said ''feeling anything.'' He said it felt good to listen to other people and find out about what they do. He said that he is not God or Jesus Christ and he used to not see the point in talking to people. He said that he has started to see that it is good to talk to people.
The caller asked if he had not re-signed with Sirius, what would have happened to Howard 100. He asked what's going to happen in 5 years. Howard said they just signed for 5 years and he has no idea what will happen in 5 years. He said if he hadn't signed there he could have gone to two other places. Howard said he would have just moved Howard 100 somewhere else. The whole operation would have moved.
The caller said he has some acquaintances that Howard knows. He mentioned Steve Longo but Howard had no idea who that was. Fred said he used to come in with Leslie West. Howard had no idea who he was. The caller mentioned someone from WRNW that Howard didn't remember. Howard said he never worked with those people. The caller said his cousin used to work there too. Howard said he has no idea who these people are.
Howard was going to let the guy go but the caller had just one more question. He said they did something at NBC with his daughters. Howard cut him off and said that he had to go. He said he was being called into the other room.
Howard took another call from a guy who said Bubba is on this thing called RadioIO now and he's stolen Howard's format. He said he's doing an after show and a roundtable. Howard said he doesn't know about that. Howard said Bubba is a good guy and he's not going to get into anything. He said that he's still trying to get Bubba back there and that's why he had that meeting yesterday. Howard said he loves Bubba and his whole team. He said he knows nothing about him stealing his format. Howard said he's fine with whatever Bubba is doing.
The caller asked if they're ever going to hear from Artie. Howard said they will hear from him some day. He got annoyed with that call too so he hung up on that guy. Howard said he's not sure why he takes calls because he gets so annoyed.
Another caller brought up Piers Morgan and that led to Howard talking about how he's tweeting about him once again. Howard said that he's not sure what he's doing. Howard said if he wants a war he should be doing it on his TV show, not on Twitter.
Howard read some of Piers ratings and said that he was beaten by a ton of stuff that's on basic cable. He said he was beaten by ''Dog the Bounty Hunter'' and ''What to Wear'' among other things. Howard said that the guy is delusional. He said that he doesn't need help from Piers. Piers needs help from himself.
Howard asked where Piers' tweets were. Howard read some of those comments and he was talking about how he slaughtered Omarosa when she took him on. Howard said he's not sure what this guy is up to. He has to prove himself before he call himself the King of All Media.
Howard read some more of the tweets and Piers said he does love Howard but he's going to have to rip him a new one on Monday. Gary said he was also joking about Howard's hair. He asked if he was going to strangle him with his hair. Howard said that he doesn't want to do anything to the guy. Piers thinks that he's getting kind of obsessive too. Howard said he never said he was a failure either. He said he has ratings issues, that's it.
Gary gave him a tweet from Joan Collins who thought that Howard was Howard K. Stern. Howard said that she's really with it. Howard said this Howard K. Stern thing is a mess. He said that people still think he killed Anna Nicole Smith. Howard said he got an email from someone asking if he did.
Howard read an email from someone in England who said that Piers is no King of All Media over there. He's a joke over there according to that guy. Howard said he never thought of himself being in competition with Piers. He said he's had a huge career there in America and he's not in any battle with Piers. Robin said she likes how he's fighting over a title that Howard created.
Howard said he got a lot of email about Kacey Jordan. He said that the fans were mixed on her appearance. He said that some loved her but others would rather hear Riley clips. Howard said they never did finish those clips.
Howard read some other email about his impressions of his parents. Someone suggested that he do a cartoon doing those voices. Howard said he was going to do it but the network didn't want to do it the way he wanted to. He said he wanted it animated in real animation, not computer animated. Howard said they told him it was going to cost a million per episode so they had to back out of it.
Howard said someone wrote in about Robin eating healthy but then flying around being exposed to radiation all the time. Howard read some email about Lisa Lampanelli and some people thought she was great, others hated her. Howard said that the one thing they do that people seem to love is when he does his parents voices. Fred said that he won't now that he's said that. Fred figured that he'd get a ton of email saying they hate it.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a restaurant using clips of Howard doing impressions of his parents complaining about coffee. Howard said on the next vacation he's going to move home for a week so he can get some new dialog from his parents. Howard said it was great when their heat was out or when Tim forgot to send the car for them.
Howard said his father loves to talk about what he eats and stuff like that. He's very rigid when it comes to his eating. Howard did his impression of his father talking about his breakfast cereals. He said that he likes to tell people about that. He's not sure why. Howard said he doesn't get why he won't change his meals. He sticks to that rotation of cereals no matter how he's feeling about the weather or whatever.
Howard did impressions of his mother and father talking about the breakfast thing. They were giving details about the foods and arguing about who should tell the story. Howard had Ben talking about his sardines and his lunch. Ray was complaining about the coffee they get at a local store. Ben said that he sticks to his yogurt and brings his own fruit. Robin joined in and kept the discussion going. Howard went through all of their meals and talked about them going to the diner for dinner and things like that as well. Howard had Ben talking about getting fish at the diner and things like that. Howard said this goes on for hours. He said he could listen to it all day long.
Howard said his father makes you pick what you're going to get at the restaurant before you get there. He said there's a whole thing going on there. Howard played another prank call Sal and Richard made using clips of him doing impressions of his parents. this time they called a heating and cooling place using clips of Howard's parents complaining about their heat not being on. They went to break after that.
Fred played Robin into her news with a Little Mikey song parody. Robin started off with a story about how Charlie Sheen's family is intervening. She had to apologize for some stuff she said about them not intervening recently. Robin said they pointed out that they had done it before too. Robin said that they've said that Charlie has fallen far off he wagon.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they're rioting in Cairo now. He said he should check that out on CNN or something. Howard said he loves rioting. Howard said he just turned on his TV and they're actually flash mobbing and doing the Thriller dance. Robin said the leader in Yemen has said he's going to step down too. Howard said that he's actually not stepping down and just making changes to his cabinet. Robin said that this could pull the lynch pin on everything in the Middle East. Gary said he just heard that Anderson Cooper got punched in the head in Egypt by some Pro Hosni Mubarak people.
The caller brought up David Letterman and said that De Niro just sat there and said nothing on Letterman and had Dustin Hoffman interpreting for him. Robin said that it was interesting. Howard said that's a bunch of bullshit when they pretend to have no interest in doing things like that. He said Michael Jackson used to be like that until he was accused of molesting kids. Then all of a sudden he figured out how to talk. Howard said he guarantees if he got De Niro in there he'd get him to talk. The caller said he would never come in.
Robin read a story about a guy who was bitten by his pet cobra. Howard said anyone who keeps a pet cobra should be eaten alive. Howard said this isn't Arizona so they don't have the treatments they need to take care of people like that. Howard said people just want to be different. He said a cat or a dog isn't good enough. Robin read about the snakes this guy has and how he just got them on Monday. Robin said he thought their venom sacks were removed. His wife had to call 911 when he got bitten. Now the snakes are in an animal shelter.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what the one place is that has the most bacteria and how much he thinks he has in his studio. Howard didn't understand the question so he just hung up on the guy.
Robin said they say that there's as much germs on an ATM as there is on your toilet. She read a story about that. Robin said that they found that the ATMs were just as contaminated as public toilets.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he loved the interview with Kacey Jordan and he loves Lisa Lampanelli too. The guy said he hasn't heard Elliot Offen on the show and he's wondering what happened there. Howard said Elliot got so violent that they couldn't control him. He's been banned from the building.
The caller said he thought Kacey was hot but Will told him that he thought she was a pig. Howard asked if Will is doing a radio show in the hall. Howard said Will should be giving no opinions out there. Howard asked what he's doing out there. Will said he was just having a conversation with the guy. Howard told him not to be a personality. He told him to just answer the phones and say hello. Will said he didn't say that she was a pig. He said she was hot but her stories were disgusting. Howard asked who he's doing a show for out there. Will said he's not doing a show. Howard told Will how to answer the phones and not answer any questions. Howard said he's got a 130 IQ so he should know. He said he's acting like he has a 110. Howard said he must have learned from Gary who bad mouthed his guests in Us magazine.
Howard spent a little time talking about how Gary tried to get Kacey to ride the Sybian even after she said she was pissing blood. Howard said he felt fatherly in some way and asked her to lay off drinking. He said she was on medication so she thought it was fine to keep drinking. Howard said she's bleeding from he kidneys and continues to drink.
The caller asked if Howard was peeved when Lisa Lampanelli used the term ''fag'' a couple of times. Howard said he might be right. He said that he knows she uses that term in her act and he uses it sometimes but he has a compassion for homosexuals and he has put a lot of thought into it. He said that they take such shit from people and there are so many that knock their brains out and they get treated so poorly. He said it has to be a terrible feeling. He said it's starting to bother him. Howard said he knows Lisa is kidding around though. He said he's tried to change his thought about that word so he has tried to stop using it. He said it does slip in once in a while though. He said in some countries you'll be killed for being gay. He said that's just not right. Howard said he's heard the word all his life and he thinks there are some who are so homophobic that they're insane. He said it pisses him off that gay people can't get married. He said it makes him angry.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a dog that was trained to sniff out colorectal cancer. She said that it was almost as accurate as a colonoscopy. Robin said that they did a study and found that the dog could figure it out based on breath samples. He was 95 percent correct with that and 89 percent sniffing stool samples. Howard sounded shocked by that. He said that sounds fantastic to him. Howard said he had a pipe in his ass and he probably didn't need it. He could have a dog sniff his breath instead. Howard said he can sniff out breast cancer if any women want to come in and get checked. He said he has the nose for that.
Robin read a story about how scientists are working on an invisibility cloak and they've been able to hide a millimeter sized item so far. They may be able to hide even larger objects. Howard said Doug Goodstein has one and he's in there right now. Fred did his impression of Doug telling Howard he had an article for him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he remembers Howard talking about how he wanted to see a darker Batman story. He asked if he had seen the Batman under the Red Hood animated special. Howard said he hadn't seen that one. Howard said he may have seen it. Jason said he saw Batman and Superman. Jason has the Under the Red Hood thing so he's going to bring it in for Howard. Robin said they suggested that to her on her Netflix list. Howard said that Netflix was suggesting stuff for 3 year olds based on what he watches. Howard went to break after that.
After the break Robin got back to her news and read a story about a nun who claimed she was assaulted and raped by a black man but it turned out to be a scam. She was covering up something she was doing with a Bodega owner. She even gave a description of the attacker.
Howard said that the Sirius Hits 1 team is in Dallas to cover the Super Bowl. Howard said that he wanted to make sure everyone knew just in case they didn't know.
Robin read a story about a dead man who was discovered in a car after a week covered in snow. He committed suicide in the car.
Robin read some news from Egypt and how Anderson Cooper got punched in the head by some people over there. She had some audio of a report from Egypt with Anderson Cooper. Cooper was giving the details about how he got beat up for about 5-10 minutes. Howard said that's a long time to get beat up. He said it usually doesn't take more than 30 seconds. Howard said they must have tape of it. Howard said they must be a bunch of pussies over there if they couldn't beat him up after 5-10 minutes. Robin had some audio of President Obama talking about Egypt and how he hopes they'll find answers to their problems there. Howard wondered what Anderson Cooper is even doing over there.
Howard said that Jeff Levy put out the word that he wanted to be vomited on and not one girl has responded. Howard had Jeff on the phone. Howard said it sounds like they have no pull for him at all. Jeff said he came in with sincere dedication for his cause. Howard said he can't believe there wasn't one woman out there who wanted to vomit for Jeff. Howard said they must all be gold diggers. He thanked Jeff for the call and hung up.
Robin had some more audio clips from some people about what's going on in Egypt. Robin also had some news about a guy who wants people to know more about the bible and has written about it in his new book. Robin said that this guy invited a bunch of his followers to live Lavidically for a month. Robin had some audio of that guy talking about what they did. Robin said they had to live by the commandments. Howard said that he doesn't see an upside to that. Robin said that by the end of it they were ready to return to their old lives. She had audio of the guy talking about that. Howard said that sounds kooky.
Robin read about a guy who killed a woman's dog with a high powered pellet gun. The owner said that her dog never hurt anyone and she wouldn't do what the guy claimed she did.
Robin read about how Adam Sandler got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. She had some audio of Sandler talking about that.
Robin read some news about how New York City is coming down on sugar with a new commercial showing graphic images of a diabetic's feet.
Robin read about how Chris Brown has rehabilitated his career. She had some of his music to play.
Robin read about Chris Cuomo and how he's trying to get New York state back into shape and he's going to have a tough battle.
Robin read about how there was a talk show host down in Dallas for the Super Bowl. He was talking about how they're all just spirits of the Football universe down there. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Robin had some other audio clips from Dallas from some players like Ben Rothlesberger. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the commercials that are going to be running during the Super Bowl. Robin said they're getting $3 million for a commercial spot during the game. Robin said it's the same price as last year. Fred kept playing a South Park clip of a woman saying ''Wha..wha..what!?'' and Howard played with that for a minute. Robin told Howard about some of the commercials that will be running and Howard wondered why they won't put him in one of these commercials. Robin mentioned that Ozzy was in one of them so Howard wondered why Ozzy's not too controversial but Howard Stern is.
Robin said they did a poll on AskMen.com and found that Blake Lively is the most desirable woman of 2010. Howard said he believes that. Robin said that Mila Kunis is also on the list. Howard said she's okay... pretty good. Howard said that she might be playing Lois Lane in the new Superman movie. Howard said Kristen Stewart auditioned for the role but then turned it down when they offered it to her. Howard said he wishes he could be Lois Lane in the movies. Robin said that would be quite a twist. Howard said he could play that role and did an effeminate movie and told Superman how much he means to him. Robin said she was falling for it. Howard said then Superman would take a shower in front of him like KC did with the Tranny. Howard said that he could give Superman a note to read on the plane. Howard said that girl Kristen Stewart is a weirdo.
Robin read about Zsa Zsa Gabor being back in the hospital. Howard said he heard that she can't remember who anyone is. Robin said she's apparently spitting up blood. Howard said her husband is an interesting character. Robin said he always has been.
Robin read about a new movie that Leighton Meester is in. Robin had some audio of her talking about that movie. Howard cut it off after a few words.
Robin read about the new Adam Sandler movie ''Just Go With It'' and had some audio of Dave Matthews talking about working in the movie.
Robin also had some audio of George Lopez talking about his role in Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Robin said that Richard Belzer is having a great career with his character moving from show to show. Robin had some audio of him talking about the people he's gotten to work with over the years.
Robin read about how Elton John was talking about Billy Joel and how he has to take his rehab seriously. They've had to cancel some dates because of Billy's alcoholism. Howard asked who doesn't need to take it seriously when they're in rehab. Howard said everyone in rehab should take it seriously. They ended the show after that. It was about 10:05am.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Howard is getting goofed on by Piers and all he's doing is making Howard nuts. He said that Piers is making him nuts and getting promotion out of it for his own show. He doesn't think Howard realizes that. Jon said he thinks he does know that and he wants to put Piers in his place. Gary came in and said that he thinks Piers knows what he's doing and how Howard just isn't going to wrestle with him like he wants. He thinks that he's getting under Howard's skin with it though and Howard is annoyed because the guy shouldn't even be in the ring with him.
Gary said he spoke to Piers' publicist yesterday and she said that Howard wasn't very nice to him. Gary said he just asked ''Monday or Tuesday?'' and didn't get into it with her.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he doesn't like Piers Morgan at all. He said he doesn't want to hear him on the show. Gary said he can tune in on Monday and hear just how much he doesn't like him. The caller said the guy is annoying.
Another caller goofed on Gary about the Jets losing to the Steelers. He said he can't wait for the game. Gary said if he had a better phone line it would have been funnier. The guy continued to go off on Gary while a baby was crying in the background and the show could be heard along with all of that.
Jon asked Gary about his coughing at Howard's apartment. Gary said it was just a cough that came from something he ate. He said Howard thinks he's being nice and asked if he was okay but he did it in a way that was like he wanted him to stop coughing. Gary said he was fine and it was just a piece of food that was caught in his throat.
Gary said he thinks about this all the time and he has to remind himself to clear his throat before he gets to work. He said he'll clear it in the car and figure out if Howard is going to give him a hard time. Jon said he didn't know that he was that obsessed with it. Gary said he must be really fucked up to have all of this shit going through his head all the time.
Gary said that he's like Robert De Niro in Deer Hunter getting hit in the head with the butt of a rifle. He said that it's just with Howard though. He has no problem around Jon.
Gary said the choking at Howard's place was not the same thing as the throat clearing. He said he would fess up to it if it was.
Jon said that Robin was also going off on Gary saying that he can clear a room with that. Gary said Robin could clear a room, just keep talking about Vegucating.
Gary told Benjy that when his face gets blotchy it seems to get worse when Howard is goofing on him. That led to Benjy talking about taking Ambien and then asking Lisa G out. Benjy said that he has to take that stuff like an hour before he goes to bed. He said he took it and then went to ask Lisa out. He said that he thinks that they could have a good time on a date. Jon asked if he was insulted when she suggested that they go out with a group. Benjy said that he wasn't insulted. He's pretty sure that Lisa won't go out with him. He said that she's probably not attracted to him.
Gary asked Benjy why he took the Ambien and then walked around there for a while. Benjy said that he had a meeting with Tim and he had to turn something in.
Jon said that this happened once before. He said Benjy was a mess and he was worried about him. Teddy said he was falling all over the place and he was a mess. Gary said they thought he was high on Ambien and he was. Benjy said he gets like a month supply and it lasts him like 4 months. He said he has no problem getting to sleep unless he has to control the time he goes to sleep. They had to take a break a short time later.
Jon asked JD about his posts and why he can write so well but not speak so well. JD said he can think about what he's writing so it comes out better. Gary asked JD what TV shows he's watching this week. JD said he likes Cops. He said he really doesn't know. Jon asked what movie he wants to win. JD said he likes Social Network and thinks that it's a great film. He said that's why.
Benjy told JD to start every statement with ''@JDHarm'' before he speaks. The guys asked him about some other movies like ''The King's Speech'' and what he thinks of that. JD said he started watching it but he's not done yet. He said that he loved ''Social Network'' more.
Jon said that you can see when JD changes his thoughts and pauses. He said that he doesn't just keep going. Gary said that he spoke to a therapist who thinks JD has some form of Tourettes and that's why he talks the way he does.
JD said there are people who are interested in what he has to say on Twitter and it might not be that way there on the show. Gary asked what they want to know about him the most on Twitter. JD said he gets a lot of different questions about Artie and various things. He doesn't respond to everything though. Gary said Natalie Maines told him that she loves JD's tweets about movies. JD said he tries not to recommend everything but he does recommend some stuff to people.
Gary said he thinks that Howard should follow everyone on the show. Jon said that Robin doesn't do that. She doesn't follow Jon or JD. Gary said JD has used his tweets to get material for the show.
Ralph called in and said that Jon was just saying how powerful Twitter is. He said Ashton Kutcher has more of a circulation than the NY Times. Gary said that not everyone reads his stuff though. Ralph said he doesn't care what he says.
Ralph said that Robin is the worst at Tweeting. He said she had to have someone teach her how to use it and you really have to just see what it is yourself and make it what you want it to be, not have someone teach you. He said she puts up links that don't work and things like that.
JD said that Robin will respond to what someone said and she won't quote the other person so it makes no sense.
Ralph thinks that Howard has to go on as someone anonymously and he can't have people from SternFanNetwork bashing him and stuff like that. He said people are going to see it and he thinks that Howard is going to get bummed. He said they should have an over under of about 3 weeks. He said he would go for the under.
Jon thanked Ralph for the call but Ralph said that on texting JD can communicate. He said that he doesn't follow him on Twitter. He said he loves JD though.
Jon asked if people validate themselves on Twitter by the number of people who follow them. JD laughed because Jon was pointing at him. JD said that he has like 20,000 people or so. He said he's below Gary and Robin though. He said he's above Jon Hein for one. Gary said he has about 40,000. Gary is verified too. JD said he wants to be verified so bad. He said that it looks cool and there are some imposters out there.
Jon asked why it's so important to JD to be verified. JD said that it makes you part of the world and it's kind of cool. Gary said that it validates you. Gary asked why someone who isn't a celebrity be verified. JD said that's the thing. He said if you're verified then you're validated as being in that world.
JD said he has some cool people following him on Twitter. Gary said he has Jon Favreau following him. He said that Jon told him when his account got hacked. Jon asked JD who else follows him. JD said that he has the Stengle brothers following him. Gary does too. They write for Letterman.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up how Jeff the Drunk had quit the show over the weekend but he called in this week. The caller told the guys not to listen to those Pittsburgh fans who are going to get beaten this weekend. He said the Packers are going to vindicate the Jets. They had to take another break after that.
Jon pointed out that Lisa G offered to make him a meal and Howard turned her right down. Benjy said that he did that because he doesn't know how clean anyone's kitchen is and he knows that a restaurant is probably going to be clean.
Gary asked Will about the guy who told Howard about what he was saying about Kacey. Will said he's not going to ban him or anything. He said he did throw him under the bus a little bit though.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Howard is going to avoid Twitter and save his thoughts for the show. Jon said he thinks that he might just read other people's tweets and talk about them on the show. Benjy said that Howard can do that every day on the show so he doesn't have to tweet. Gary said that they can get some good stuff out of that.
Jon said that Howard was talking about his therapy today too. He said Robin was being kind of dismissive of what he was saying. Gary said he thinks that they need a third party in there who is more grounded than the two of them. Gary said that the therapy has helped Howard a lot. He said that it absolutely has helped. Gary said about 10-12 years ago Howard started recognizing people's birthdays. He said it was stuff like that which meant a lot to people like Brian Phelan. Benjy said that he started doing the thank-you notes and things like that.
Jon asked if they notice that he's not paying attention to them. Gary said he knows that his mind is racing all the time and he may need to be told about how he has to stop and pay attention. Benjy said that Howard seemed really tense talking about the therapy and how there was something in his life that made him the way he is. He wondered what it was that made him like that. Gary said that it would be weird if they found out something in 15 years about him that he didn't know. He thinks that Howard has told them pretty much everything on the air though. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how he was upset that there was no video of Anderson Cooper getting beaten up. It turns out there is video. He said JD told him it's up at Huffington Post. He also said that Richie Wilson figured it all out and they don't hate American's over in Egypt, they just don't like gay guys. Howard asked Benjy if the guy is gay. Benjy said he thinks he is but he's not open about it. Gary said everyone says it but he's never come out.
Howard said he wanted to turn off Benjy's microphone. He said he talks too much and he doesn't want him talking over anyone. Howard said he's just going to interrupt. Benjy did his impression of Benjy for a minute and goofed on the way he was interrupting. Howard said that Anderson Cooper is straight then.
Howard said he was thinking about this Charlie Sheen situation because they're interviewing the madam now. He said that they used to be afraid to speak to anyone for fear of going to jail. He said that this woman is saying that she was the one who told the women to hide the drugs so the cops wouldn't find them. Howard said she protected him but then went out and did interviews.
Howard said that Charlie pays very well. He gave that girl they had in there $30,000 and you'd think that would buy some silence. Howard said that this madam was saying that he pays well and always calls for girls. He wondered why she'd blow that by going to the press. He said he just doesn't get it.
Howard said maybe the girls are coming forward because Charlie is so crazy that he'll invite them back even after they go to the press. Robin said maybe they think he's in such bad shape that it's just over. Howard said he's not going to go down easy. He's having too much fun. Howard said he can't care at this point. He doesn't even have teeth anymore. Howard said that girl that was in there was peeing blood and she didn't care about that. Howard said he was jealous that the girl, Kacey Jordan, was so thin. Robin said many alcoholics are thin.
Gary said there's one person who won't talk about Charlie Sheen. That's Bree Olson. Gary said they were thinking about doing a pageant for the porn stars and Bree wasn't interested. She's already turned down a $50,000 offer to talk. Howard said that she comes on the show. Gary said she thinks that it's in poor taste to talk about Charlie. Howard said she just went up in his book. He said that's some loyalty and some silence that the money must have bought.
Robin said that Kacey said that there were other celebrities that she won't talk about. Howard said she said to him that she talked about him because it all became public when he went to the hospital. He said the other people were smart enough not to go to the hospital. That was her logic but he doesn't make much sense. Howard said she was blaming Charlie for getting ill.
Howard said it seems to him that if you're a hooker or a madam then you keep the guy on the hook and don't go to the press. Robin said maybe she was lying about the whole thing. Howard said he believed the story she was telling.
Gary told Howard that he was at a strip club in Las Vegas recently and he walked out on stage and saw guys in nirvana with the girls and he just gets out of there as quick as he can. Howard said you don't care what guy is on stage if you're getting a lap dance.
Howard said they have a bunch of games for Gary the Retard and they'll bet if he knows the answers. Howard said at some point they're going to have someone come in and rob him. He said he's going to give him a fake gun before hand and tell Gary that he has to protect him. He will have to shoot the robber. Robin said she's not sure that he'll even be able to get the gun out. Robin said she's going to bet that he won't do anything. Howard said he's not sure he can bet against her. Fred said Howard is a dead man if he's relying on Gary the Retard to protect him.
Howard asked to see the fake gun. Gary said you're not allowed to buy a real fake gun so the gun is orange. Howard said Gary won't know the difference. Howard said he wanted to see the gun. Richie Wilson brought in the gun Richard is going to use as the robber. He said he's just going to say ''bang, bang'' when he robs him. Howard said that gun shoots out a ''Bang'' flag. Then they have a cap gun for Gary the Retard. Howard took some shots with that. He ran out of shots pretty quick.
Howard said they have a bunch of stuff for Gary. He said that they'll give him some plugs and just have some fun with him. Howard said he's really not that retarded though. He said he's high functional retarded. He said they have a prank call with him where he answers Richard Simmons questions. Howard played that call that just came off the presses. In the call Sal and Richard played Richard Simmons audio clips where he keeps asking ''Gary!? Gary?'' over and over. Gary the Retard hung up a couple of times. He was arguing with the audio clips too. He started coughing up a storm too. Gary started calling Richard a bitch and they had Simmons saying that it was very offensive. Gary told him to go fuck his mama.
Howard said he thinks that Gary's appearance at Goldfingers will be fabulous. He wondered where Gary figured out that word bitch and how he knew that Richard was effeminate.
Howard said they're going to ask Gary the Retard if he knows the American flag. They have a bunch of flags in there for him to choose from. Then they'll have the robbery. Howard said that Robin will see some great acting today. He said that they'll find out if Gary will be a hero too. Robin said she's going to bet that he won't be.
Howard said that Richard is going to be the robber today. He said that if anyone else comes in there then they'll know that something is wrong. Howard said he'll be wearing a robber's mask though.
Howard said Gary had a coughing fit at the meeting and he wishes he had tape of that. He said it sounded like the kind of cough a person has when they have a cold. He said that's what it sounded like, not like he had something stuck in his throat.
Howard played the audio of Gary talking about that and how it eventually went away. Howard said he's lying about the Chex mix being stuck in his throat. He said that Gary knew what he meant. He said that he was wondering if he was sick and that's why he asked if he was okay like he wanted him to leave if he wasn't.
Howard played another clip where Gary talked about how he has to clear his throat on his way into work. He's that obsessed with it that he has to clear it on his way in so he doesn't upset Howard.
Howard said Gary comes and goes in the morning just so he can clear his throat. Howard said Gary just can't control that. He said Gary had that rattle in his chest and he knows that he didn't have any food stuck in his throat. He said he knows he's lying. Gary said that he is lying. Howard said he knew he was. Howard thanked him for admitting that. Gary said he was lying when he said he was lying. Howard didn't believe it.
Howard wondered what they were doing on Letterman tonight. Gary said that Howard is the only one listed in the listings so that means a double segment for him. Howard said it sounds like he's the whole show. Gary said Jason just told him that Naughty By Nature has a new album coming out in April. Howard said maybe Letterman knows what he's doing. Gary said tomorrow they have Robert Plant on Letterman. Howard said he'd love to meet that guy. He said he's got a scary looking face though. Howard said he'd look good next to that guy.
Howard said he'd love to jump on stage and tell Plant to stop with the banjo shit and get to some Zeppelin stuff. Howard said he wants him to stop with that other music and just get back together with Zeppelin.
Howard talked about how he's making the worst kind of music now. That's the kind of shit no one wants to hear. Fred had some of Plant's ''Band of Joy'' music. Howard actually liked the song Fred played though. Fred said he thinks that it's new. Howard was liking it. He wasn't sure if that was possible but Fred said it was. Howard said it sounds kind of like hanging music or something. Howard goofed around with that for a short time. Howard said it would be cool if he came out in a sheet and a pointy hanging hat on. He said that's kind of what the music reminded him of. He was digging the song though.
Howard said he'd like to meet the guy. He said that he has nothing against Naughty By Nature though. Fred said they do shoot two shows on Thursday so maybe Plant will be there. Howard said he may get there at the last minute so he may not have time though. Howard said that he's going to have like 57 people in his dressing room so he doesn't want to be there too long.
Howard said the Daily News thinks that they know what he's going to be talking about tonight. They think he's going to be escalating his war with Jay Leno. Howard said he's not going to do that. He said he just doesn't like the guy. He did a dicky thing to him and that's it. Howard read the article about this Leno thing and they mention the Piers Morgan interview and how he brought up Jay on there. Then they ask ''What ever happened to Piers Morgan'' in parentheses. Howard said he read that Piers is changing the format of his show already.
Howard said they've made the decision already to change it. He said they're going to mix it up and do a couple of different things. They're going to go live more too.
Howard read more of the Daily News article and they were going by what he was saying on the show about Leno for what he's going to be doing on Leno. They said that Leno's people refused to comment. They also said that someone close to the Leno show said that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Howard wondered if he's a crook too. He wasn't sure what they were referring to. Howard said all he knows is that they stole a bunch of ideas from his show and they ended up on The Tonight Show. One of them was the Jay Walking bit. Howard said that Jay is a ''big chinned fucker.''
Howard said he knows that they're going to do a pre-interview for Dave's show. He said he has to go on and ask Dave why he's not beating Leno. Howard said that jay is up in the ratings again.
Howard said he's got a suit he'll be wearing tonight. He said he should look reasonably good. Robin said he's going out in suits a lot now. Howard said it's just easy and he looks sort of handsome in one. Howard said it shows some respect for the show too. Howard said Letterman's suits aren't very good. He said the white sock thing he does isn't cool. He said his shoes are like penny loafers and he wears the double breasted thing too. He said it almost looks like a dress.
Howard said he was debating going on the show dressed as a super hero. Robin said she should. She said that there is someone going around as the Spider-Man burgler lately. Howard said he was thinking about doing it but he's tired of being a buffoon.
Howard said Toni is coming over to do his hair. Ralph is coming to do his outfit. Howard said that Rob Burnett and Vinnie will come in and ask what he wants to talk to Dave about. Howard asked Robin what he should talk about. Robin said he hasn't been on in a while. She said Howard has had some funny stuff to say about Sarah Palin. Howard said they edited that out of the Piers Morgan interview. Howard said he could talk about Regis getting kicked out. Robin said that Kathie Lee stuff was kind of funny but it might be too much to explain. Howard said he could talk about Charlie Sheen and how CBS won't fire him.
Howard said he has been making the news a lot so he could talk about some of the stuff they've been doing there. He said that he should talk about working for CBS and how they just won't fire anyone. Howard said he could talk about the flash mob thing in Egypt.
Howard said he has Facebook and he must have boring friends. He said he lasts for like 5-10 minutes and he's completely bored. Howard said he thinks that's what happened in Egypt and they made it fun by going out and overthrowing the government. Robin said she enjoys Twitter much more than Facebook. Howard said that's where they do the Flash Mob thing.
Howard said he is going on Twitter soon but he doesn't have an account yet. Howard said he won't tweet. He said he doesn't care if people don't like that. He said he's just going to follow. Howard said he doesn't feel like posting anything. He was going to do it during the last football game he watched.
Gary said he thought that Howard would tweet stuff that he would be talking about on the show the next day. Gary also told him that people may follow him just to see who he follows. Howard said he's going to follow people like Roger Ebert and Steve Martin. He said he's going to follow the guy who posts pictures of women in yoga pants too.
Howard went over some more stuff that he might talk about with Dave tonight. He said that he'll talk about Leno, Charlie Sheen and some other stuff. He said he'll just blurt stuff out. Howard wondered if that was enough stuff. Gary said that might fill two segments. Howard said he just wants to sit and have a discussion with Dave.
Howard said that he might bring up the Regis thing since he believes that the guy was forced out. Robin said there's no doubt about that. Howard said he knows he was forced out. Gary wondered if he asked for more money. Howard said he did but they offered him a pay reduction. Howard said he had to get out if that's the way they were going to treat him. Howard said the show is all about him so they basically didn't give him a vote of confidence. He also fired his agent who he thinks botched the whole thing.
Howard played the audio of Ralph talking about how bad Robin is at Tweeting. Gary backed him up on that a little bit. Gary said he thinks that Robin uses it mostly for promotion. Ralph said that she puts up links that just don't work.
Howard said Twitter sounds like a lot of work. Robin doesn't quote someone when she responds. Robin said she should be able to just respond to someone and not have to quote them. Howard said there should be a button you hit to reply and be able to see the other comment. Howard said it seems like a flaw in Twitter. JD said that Robin won't even reply to the person, she'll just post an answer that makes no sense and isn't pointed at anyone in particular. Gary said that Robin has to respond to that person. Robin said she is but Gary insisted she was wrong. Howard said this is scaring him off. He said he's not sure he wants to go through the hassle.
Howard said he heard Robin had a coach for Twitter. Robin said she had someone help her out with some social networking stuff but not a coach. She said that she had some advice on what to post but it wasn't a coach telling her how to post on Twitter. Gary said that they were predicting that Howard would get obsessed with it for a few weeks and then it would taper off. Howard said he thinks that Jimmy Kimmel is funny and sends out some good email but he's not sure he's going to be able to do this Twitter thing. IF he has something funny to say he's going to save it for the radio show.
Gary said that Justin Bieber broke the news that Beavis and Butt-Head are returning to MTV. He said he's not sure what he gets out of that. Howard said he can sell more tickets to his concerts if he does that. Howard said that kid is awful and he's just a fuckin weirdo. Howard wondered if he's too young to beat up on. Robin said he's only 16. Howard said he wants a date when he can talk about the kid and not worry about damaging his life.
Howard said he heard that Justin Bieber got booed at the Knicks game last night. He said he has to get a real hair cut... but then realized he has a weird hair cut too.
Jeff Jarvis called in and told Howard and Robin about the Twitter thing and how you can reply to people and see their comments. Robin said that she doesn't do it for the people who are criticizing her.
Jeff told Howard that there are moments when he will want to Tweet something out and people would kill to see pictures. Howard said he'd want to be paid to do that. Jeff said that it's good to do that stuff. Howard said he has no desire to do that. Howard said he'd rather do it there on his show where people are paying to hear him. Robin said it is a different way to communicate. Howard said he wants to communicate there on the show. Robin said Twitter can be a good promotional tool. Jeff said that Howard can get into arguments on Twitter too. Howard said he doesn't want to do that.
Howard told Jeff to tell the Android people that they should be able to change the name of a photo on their Droid phones. Howard said the camera blows on there too. Jeff said he should try Instagram. He told Howard to talk to his guy from Google so he can find out about the new Android OS. He said he told them to hook Howard up with a Xoom when they can. Howard said he had criticisms on the new technology.
Howard said that the NY Post app isn't updated early enough. He said they have to get on top of stuff like that.
Howard had another clip from the Wrap Up Show where they talked to JD and he was complaining that he wasn't verified on Twitter. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Howard came back and had Vinnie Favale from CBS on the phone. Howard said he's the network liaison for Letterman's show. Vinnie told Howard that Robert Plant already did his interview with Dave. He said it's a really good one too. Howard asked if Dave is a big fan of Naughty By Nature. Vinnie said he's really not sure but they're on tonight. Howard said he just wants to be on for like 5 seconds to promote the smartphone app.
Howard said he's coming up with an agenda for the show thanks to everyone there. Vinnie said that Dave premiered his show 29 years ago. He said that Howard and Dave have been doing this for almost 3 decades. Robin said that she and Howard have been doing radio longer than Dave has been doing his show. Howard wondered if he should bring up the sex scandal thing with Dave. Vinnie said he doesn't want to bring that up. Howard said he won't do it if he's going to get upset. Howard said he's going to bring up the phone calls thing where he screwed up their relationship years ago by talking about their phone calls. Howard said Dave reached out to him and he blew it by blabbing it on the air.
Vinnie said there was something about Dave calling Conan O'Brien out of the blue. Howard said that used to be him that Dave would call. Howard said he and Dave would talk about all kinds of things when they'd get on the phone.
Vinnie told Howard that he worked at NBC years ago and Dave's office was right next to his there. They weren't working together at the time. He said that he and Dave used to watch Robin and Howard doing their show. He said that it was just two guys watching the show together. They didn't even know each other. Vinnie said that years later he remembered those days with Dave just watching Howard and Robin doing their thing. Howard said he hated doing the show with those glass windows. Howard said he started closing the curtains in there because he hated being watched. Howard said management hated that because he was part of the tour.
Vinnie said he remembers Billy Joel coming to NBC and watching with him too. Howard said Billy never told him that. Vinnie said he wanted to tell Howard before Billy came in about that. Vinnie said he and Dave would just kill time watching Howard there. Howard said maybe Vinnie should be on Letterman tonight.
Vinnie said he gets why Howard doesn't get the Twitter thing but that Justin Bieber kid was on the show the other night and he was really good.
Howard said he wants to tell Dave he knows that job makes him miserable. He said he loves it but he's miserable over it too. Howard said he has spoken to Dave and he knows it makes him miserable. He said he felt bad for him that he had to give up getting laid over there. Howard said now he doesn't even get that. Vinnie said Howard doesn't know that. Howard said Dave should start getting laid at work again.
Howard asked Vinnie to point out some of the girls Dave porked over there. Vinnie told him to stop. Vinnie said there was nothing there. Howard told him to cut the horse shit. He said he wants him to give him two blinks if Dave porked anyone.
Vinnie asked if he can tweet from the dressing room. Howard said he does have a Twitter account so he could do that. Vinnie said that if he does that it gets them some notice. Howard said that he might have 38 followers by then. Howard said that he's going to tell Dave he has no idea how many people he has following him and there will be 38 people seeing it. Howard said he would be so proud of that 38 followers. Howard asked Vinnie if he was high asking him to tweet.
Vinnie said he can't believe that he dropped the iPhone and iPad. Howard said he likes the Android. He has an iPad but he doesn't use it all that much. He uses it for watching porn. Howard said that he can't watch anything in Flash. Vinnie said he has a magazine app on the iPad that's great. He said he reads it on the bus and it lights up his face like a beam of light.
Howard said Vinnie plants himself in his dressing room. He said everyone comes in there for a party and he's miserable that he has to be there to do the show. Vinnie said they're doing a pre-interview. Howard said he doesn't want to do a pre-interview. Vinnie said that they need some kind of road map for what they're going to talk about. Then Vinnie said he thinks that Dave and Howard are the only two who could get away with not doing a pre-interview. Howard said he has notes. He's going to talk about Camille Grammer too.
Howard said he had to leave. Vinnie asked him to tweet from the green room. Howard asked him why he cares. Vinnie said that he thinks that it would be great if he could do that.
Howard said that Vinnie sent him that Xhamster.com web site and it was awful. Vinnie said someone must have hijacked his email because he didn't send that to him. Howard goofed on Vinnie about sending him the link. He asked Vinnie if the Apple people will fix his iPad if he drops a load on it. Vinnie laughed.
Howard asked if they would air it if he talked about masturbating with his iPad. Vinnie told him to Tweet it. Howard said he's not going to be back there Tweeting. Howard said he's completely focused on what he's going to do with Dave, not on Twitter. Howard said this is the worst advice Vinnie could give a guest. He said he has 38 followers and no one is following him. Vinnie told everyone to follow him.
Howard said he was talking to Beth about doing the show and he really hates it. Howard said he would rather just go visit Dave without the cameras. He said that he's been good at doing the show but he's worried that he's just going to suck. Howard said he hates the dressing room because it's so small but it's filled with people. Howard said the things that annoy him the most are that Ralph takes forever to get him dressed. Howard said he gets that done and then people just come through. He said Vinnie will come in and show him some new gadget. Then Rob Burnett will come in and then his agent comes in and gets really close to him and grabs him in close to talk. Then he'll bring other agents with him and that really annoys the piss out of him. Howard said that he has to ask people to lave and it's just not easy. Howard said Vinnie won't leave even after hearing this. Howard said he'll just stick around. Steve Langford is there too but he's okay with that. Then the Howard TV guys are going to be in the limo with him to shoot some behind the scenes stuff.
Howard asked Vinnie who else he hangs out with there at Letterman. Vinnie said he was there for Joan Rivers. He got kicked out of the dressing room though.
Howard said he was with Beth telling her about what was going to happen. He said that Beth said she wasn't going to go with him. He said he was fine with that and she wondered why he was okay with that. Howard said he would like her to be there but if she doesn't want to go then that's fine. Howard said Beth knows people over there because she used to work there. He said they fired her after she started dating him because they were afraid that she would tell him something. Vinnie said that's just not true. Howard said it is too.
Howard said he's going to talk about that with Dave. JD said that Vinnie hit on Artie's mom when she was back stage once. JD said that Artie was trying to watch the show and Vinnie was telling his mom how hot she was. Howard said it's no wonder Artie had to resort to drugs. He said Vinnie should have taken her up to Dave's room. Vinnie just sighed when he heard that.
Vinnie told Howard that they don't do sketches there anymore so that's why Beth isn't there now. Howard said she used to get called like 2-3 times a week. Vinnie said they don't do those bits anymore. Howard said he was told by someone who worked there that it was the reason she got fired. Gary said the show he was on they brought in 3 girls to do a bit. Vinnie said Beth is too famous to do those bits now. Howard said they stopped her before she was famous. Vinnie insisted that they didn't fire her because she was dating Howard.
Howard let Vinnie go and wondered who was going to be on Leno tonight. Fred said it's Jeff Bridges. Howard said you can't beat that guy.
Howard said he doesn't think that Beth was Dave's type. Robin said she obviously wasn't. Howard said Beth really did get the boot when she started dating him. Howard said that it's like the movie studios not giving him copies. They think he's going to go nuts and print them or something.
Howard said he had to take a break and then get Gary the Retard in there. He said they have Janessa Brazil coming in so Gary can try to win a feel of her titties. They went to break after that.
Howard wondered if Robin thought that Gary would be able to defend him and shoot the robber like he talked about earlier. He wanted to take bets from the guys in there. Benjy said he thinks he will shoot. Howard said the last time he bet Benjy he didn't pay him. Howard said he's no fun to bet with.
Howard had the guys bring Gary in and gave him some plugs for his appearance at Goldfingers Infinity. Howard said he has a radio show at GaryTheRetard.net too. Gary came in so Howard asked if he hates doing his radio show. Gary said he does. He said people don't do what he tells them to do on the internet. He said they have cams on and the people don't listen to him. Howard said he should just sit back and enjoy it. Gary said that's what he does. He has told his manager that he doesn't like doing it but he says he has to. He's not a manager either, he's just a friend.
Howard said he was playing the new phone call where Richard Simmons called him and he was coughing through that. Gary said he has a cold. He said it's just the cold weather. Howard said that he heard he's still smoking too. Gary said he's smoking the electronic cigarette. Howard said those are worse than the real thing. Gary said he knows Sal does the same thing there. He told Howard to tell him about it.
Howard asked Gary to hold on to this gun that he had because they've had a string of robberies there. He told Gary to just shoot anyone who comes in there to rob him. Howard asked him not to shoot him accidentally.
Howard told Gary to just take care of the robber. Richard came in a short time later to rob Howard and Gary shot him right away. He shot every shot he had in that cap gun. Howard asked Richard if he was dead. Richard said he was. Gary told him not to talk if he was dead. Howard said he didn't think he'd shoot him. Gary told him to get out of there. Robin said Gary was a hero.
Howard said they have to have Gary arrested now that he's killed someone. Gary just laughed. Robin said he had no hesitation at all.
Howard asked Gary why he's appearing at a strip club. He asked what he's going to do there. Gary said it's all about going to Las Vegas. Howard said he's going to Long Island, not Las Vegas. It's in Long Island City, New York. Howard asked what he's doing in Las Vegas. Gary said he's going there too. Howard asked Gary what he does at the strip clubs. Gary said he's just going there to tell people who he is. He said they're paying him like $200 to do it.
Howard asked Gary if he wanted to see a hot chick. Of course he did. Howard had the guys bring in Janessa Brazil. Howard said she's gotten even more beautiful. Howard said he promised Gary that he could squeeze her boobies if he got some questions right. She was fine with that.
Howard asked Janessa what she's up to. She said she's just doing her web site. She said she's naked on there. She does other girls and things like that on JanessaBrazil.com.
Howard interrupted and said he had Gary the Retard on the phone claiming that the one in the studio wasn't the real one. It was the impersonator, Anniel, who was in there for the contest a while back. Howard asked the two Gary's where they lived and both of them knew where that was. Howard said the guy on the phone sounds exactly like the one in the studio. Howard asked the guy on the phone what 5 plus 8 was. He said it was zero. Gary in the studio said the answer was 8. Howard said that everyone knows the answer is 12.
Howard said he heard that Gary is working his ass off. Gary said he's working at Boogerville (Burgerville?). He said it's like when you pick your nose. Howard spent a minute talking to him about that.
Howard said he heard that JD calls Janessa once in a while. He said that he heard he cams with her for $5 a minute for like 20 minutes. Gary Dell'Abate said he heard it was like 5 times he did that. Howard said that's like 500 bucks. JD came in and said that it's like 10 minutes at a time and it's not an every day occurrence. Howard said that's a lot of money to be spending on that. Howard said she's beautiful and all but that's a lot of money. Janessa said they talk on the cam for a few minutes and then he tells her what he wants her to do.
Howard said JD doesn't have that kind of money. Janessa said that she was Miss Howard TV back in 2008 and she met him then. She said that they hit it off as friends. Howard said Benjy was shocked that he has to pay if they're friends. Benjy asked if JD would rather get laid than do a cam thing. Howard asked if he jerks off when he looks at her. JD said he does but he sounded like he didn't want to talk about this.
Howard asked JD to tell her what to do right now. JD didn't want to do it. He said he's not going to do this again. He's done it before. Howard wanted him to do it. Howard asked if she can see him on cam. She said she can. They do a cam to cam thing. JD said she has a dildo and she likes to see her suck on it like she's giving it oral. Howard asked if she complies with those requests. She said she does. Howard asked if she drags it out so she can get more money out of him. She said that it's all about him finishing off and she can tell that he's stroking it. She sees his arm moving. Howard asked if she says that it's his cock that she's sucking on. Janessa said that's what she does. She said the dildo is 6 or 7 inches long and white. Howard said that's about right for JD.
Howard asked Janessa to talk dirty to JD. JD was just laughing so Fred did his impression of him. Howard said JD must have blown like 500 bucks on this chick. JD said it's only 10 minutes. Janessa said it's 10 or 15 depending on what they're talking about. She said he complimenting him on that. Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of JD talking to her. They had her cracking up at the impressions. Janessa said that he's not very vocal. She said that he doesn't make a lot of noise either. She said he's actually pretty quiet.
Howard said he heard that JD tried to buy one of her used dildos. JD said he never asked for that. Howard asked what they do when they talk small talk. She said they talk about their day and how it went.
Gary the Retard told JD to get his mind out of the gutter. He said that JD was over there blushing. Howard asked how many of these girls he does this with. JD said he doesn't have any memberships on any web sites anymore. He said he has cut that out. Howard said he doesn't have that kind of money to blow. JD said that he's changing and he's not on any sites anymore. Howard asked Janessa when she last heard from JD. She said it was last month. She said that she would go out with JD if she didn't have a boyfriend. Howard asked if she would get involved with him if she was single. She said that she would. Howard told JD ''Way to go...'' Howard said he'd probably marry her. He said that he probably wouldn't even bother her for sex that much.
Gary said that JD wouldn't even know what to do with his money. He asked if he would spend it all on poker machines and stuff. JD said that he had to go. Howard said JD must love her. Howard asked JD if he shares his computer with his roommate. JD said he has his own. Howard and Fred goofed on him some more about the jerking off thing. Howard asked if he pulls his pants all the way down. JD said he does what needs to be done. JD said he sits in a chair while he's doing it.
Howard asked Janessa if JD could feel her boobs too. She said he could. Howard said he wanted to get to the game now. He let JD off the hook and let him out of there.
Howard said they were going to ask Gary some questions and if he gets a question right he gets to feel up Janessa. Howard said he's going to play a couple of audio clips and Gary has to pick out the Chinese. Howard played the clips and asked Robin if she thinks Gary can do it. Robin said no. Howard asked if anyone there thinks he can. No one was betting that he could. Howard played a clip of someone speaking Spanish and asked Gary if that was Chinese. Gary said it was. Howard played the second clip of someone speaking French and Gary thought that was Chinese too. Then Howard played one where a person was speaking German and Gary said it was Chinese. Howard played the Chinese clip and he finally got one right. Howard let him feel Janessa up. Gary was squeezing her boobs and they had to tell him to take it easy on her.
Howard said that Gary was going to play for the chance to squeeze her butt cheeks next. Howard said he had 5 instrument clips to play. He said that Gary had to name the instruments. Robin said he might be able to name one. Howard said if he gets one right he'll get to squeeze Janessa's butt. Howard played the first clip which was violin. Gary thought it was a trumpet. Howard played a second one which was the same clip Gary got it right when he remembered it was a violin. Howard played another clip which was a guitar. Gary didn't know what it was. He didn't even have a guess. Howard played a clip of a flute being played. Gary said it was a ''Trumbaline.'' They took that as meaning trampoline. Howard had another one which was a trumpet and Gary guessed it was a horn. Gary said it was a ''trumpalet.'' They gave it to him because he said it was a horn. Howard said he had one more for him and it was a rooster. Gary said it was a chicken.
Howard gave Gary his time to squeeze Janessa's ass. Then he said that Gary can spank her if he gets the next questions right. Howard asked Gary if he wanted to spank her. Gary was up for it. Howard said he had to answer some questions first. Gary had to pick out the National Anthem from a bunch of clips. He played the Canadian anthem first. Then he played another country's anthem and Gary said those weren't the right song. Then he heard the right one and got it correct. Howard had Janessa get spanked by Gary after that. Gary spanked her and then pinched her.
Howard wrapped up and gave Gary some plugs for his strip club appearance and his web site GaryTheRetard.net. Howard gave Janessa some plugs for her web site JanessaBrazil.com and Penthouse.com too. Janessa got in some plugs for Jesse Jane's new tequila because she's a spokesperson for her. Howard said it sounds like she's very attached to her. He asked if she would leave her boyfriend for a woman. She said she doesn't think so but she would have a relationship with a woman. Howard said he'd be furious if he was her boyfriend. She said that she's shot with Jesse before and that was an experience.
Howard was going to wrap up but he asked Janessa if she wanted to ride the Sybian. She had done it before but she was up for another ride. Howard asked her how old she is. She's 26 in a few days. Howard had JD come in to talk dirty to her. JD came in but he didn't want to do it. He said he doesn't want to do it there, he's fine doing it at home.
Gary Dell'Abate was in there to run the Sybian. Howard asked Janessa if she would talk back to JD. She said she would if she had her headphones on. Howard told JD to get freaky with her. JD said he wasn't going to do that. He really wasn't into doing this.
Howard told Gary to turn the juice up high. Gary started her off pretty high. Howard told JD to do his thing. JD was laughing while he asked her questions about riding the Sybian. She asked JD if he liked her wet pussy and things like that. JD laughed and told her to cum all over it. Janessa was calling out JD's name as she finished. Robin said JD is good. Howard said he just realized how much of a boring fuck JD is. Howard said that's going to cost JD $200. Janessa said that she usually takes longer to cum but she was done in like 30 seconds. Janessa said that she has a Sybian that she rides at home. She likes to talk dirty and she takes over when she's on cam. JD said he's a little more vocal when he's not in front of millions of people. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said JD just played a clip of Piers Morgan being on Oprah's show and he was asked who else stood out on his show other than her. Howard said that they must have told him not to mention his name or maybe he was afraid to mention his name. He said that he could have even thought that he wasn't a good guest. Howard said that Piers asked him to do his show every month but he didn't mention his name on Oprah's show. Howard said maybe he's nuts.
Howard played the clip where Piers was telling Oprah that he's been watching her show for like 20 years. Piers was really sucking up to her real good. Howard said that it's weird that he can go on the show and not mention his name. He said it must be an edict from Oprah. He played more of the clip and Piers was asked who else he loves. Piers said he loved Ricky Gervais. Howard said he seems to have forgotten him. He bets that he didn't ask Ricky to come on his show once a month. Robin said he just talked about one person. Howard said Piers also told Oprah that he owes her for coming on his show.
Howard said that Jennifer Aniston was also on Oprah and they have a weird thing going on. Howard said Jennifer knows how to give her the right answers so Oprah says ''Yes! Yes!'' to everything she says. Howard played some examples of that. Howard said he thinks that the ''Mmm Hmm'' thing is for Will Smith and Jada. Fred played some of the ''Mmm hmm'' stuff while they talked about that.
Howard played more of Aniston and Oprah stroking each other. Howard said it must be easy being in that kind of place when you can lay around doing nothing all the time. Howard said when you live in a mansion you can be pretty positive.
Howard said he got a note from a private chef who was willing to come there and make their meals for them. Howard said he doesn't think they'll be doing that.
Howard said he was reading about a guy who claims that he took some kind of drug that turned him into a gay sex addict. Howard read that article and the guy claims that the drug he took for Parkinson's has turned him into a gay sex addict and a gambler. Howard said the guy took Requip or something like that. Howard said he should take it tonight before Letterman to see what happens. Howard said the guy is seeking $610,000 in damages. Howard said the company didn't warn him of the side effects. Howard said that would be some commercial where they warn you about becoming a gay sex addict.
Howard read that they actually do warn you about the gambling thing on that drug. Howard said they say that you may have other impulses. Howard said they claim that the warnings came out after the guy had stopped taking the drug.
Howard asked Robin to explain what's going on with Lindsay Lohan who is up on some theft charges. Robin said she thinks that there was another incident a year or so ago. Howard said she's accused of taking some high end jewelry or something. Howard said that she blew up her lips too. Robin said her looks are gone now that she's doing that. Howard said it drives him crazy that people ruin their lives with that kind of stuff.
Howard got an email from someone who told him to stop picking on Baba Booey. Howard said he got an email from someone who said that it seems like Lisa G really does want to date Benjy. That person said that he used to be self destructive until he found a strong woman and that's what Benjy needs.
Robin said that Benjy came in to pay off a bet and asked her out to lunch. Howard said that she should do it. Benjy was cracking up laughing at that but Howard found that creepy.
Howard had Gary the Retard come back in to talk about the name of the place he works. He said it can't be ''Boogerville'' it has to be Burgerville. Gary said he's right. Howard didn't get why he was saying it was booger earlier. Gary said he didn't say that. He said it's a restaurant.
Howard asked Gary if he took out a restraining order on some woman. Gary said he had to do that. He said that she wanted his money and he doesn't even have that much money. Howard asked if she ever kissed him or had sex with him. Gary said she didn't. Howard asked him why he lied to them about her being his girlfriend. Gary said he wanted to be cool.
Howard asked about the restraining order and how he knew how to do all of that. Gary said he went and talked to the judge. He said he has done that stuff before. Howard asked if they have special court for retarded people. He said that's pretty sophisticated to be able to do that. Gary said he had some help. He said he has a helper who filled out the paperwork.
Howard said he thinks that he did the right thing. Gary said he's not going to talk to her anymore. He said she still calls him and he can't talk to her.
Howard let Gary go and apologized for dragging him back in there. Gary said that was okay. Howard told him to be careful out there because there are men who dress up like women. Gary said he knows that. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said Gary was really getting fleeced. Howard said that she could have gotten his Burgerville money. Jon Hein finished up his Wrap Up Show preview after that. They spent a minute talking about how Vinnie was pushing Howard to Tweet from the green room. Howard said he doesn't get that. Howard said he's not going to Tweet. Howard said he has 2,000 followers now. It's not 38 anymore. Howard said that he looked at it this morning and he had 38 people already and he hadn't even mentioned it. Howard said 2,000 is kind of sad actually.
Ralph called in and said he thinks that Gary has become less retarded since he stated appearing on the show. He knows how to get a restraining order now. Howard said he has been able to get more sophisticated. Howard said that he doesn't like to take credit for that but he does think that he can help retarded people.
Mutt from Superfan Roundtable called in and said that they're going to be out by Letterman to see Howard going in. Mutt said they will have a guy who is going to Letterman tonight on the show. They have the guy who made the paper studio replica on the show too. He said they'll talk about Howard's Twitter thing too.
Howard asked who has the most followers on Twitter. They found out that it was Lady Gaga and then it was Justin Bieber, Britney Spears and then Barak Obama.
Robin wondered how many years a couple should be married before they call it quits. Howard figured 5 years was about right. Robin read about an actor who was getting a divorce after one year. Howard wondered how that happens. Howard said the first year should be the best. He said that's before everything goes bad.
Howard asked Robin if she saw the picture from Egypt where people came walking in on camels and started beating people. Howard said he had no idea that you could do that on a camel. Howard said he felt bad for the camels too. He said that you know they're going to get killed.
Robin read about Elton John talking about wanting Billy Joel to go to rehab. Robin read some more details about that. Howard said he thinks it's shitty for Elton to do that to Billy in an article like that. Howard said that you don't pull them out in public to do that. Howard said he should have gone to Billy privately. Robin said Billy is responding and he's saying that this isn't going to change his affection for Elton. Howard said he bets that's a publicists putting that out there. He said he bets that Billy is upset about it.
Howard said he was reading about how Mona Lisa is the ugliest woman he's ever seen and now it's coming out that Leonardo Da Vinci was gay and Mona Lisa is his gay lover. Howard said that's what's coming out now. Robin said that's just a theory though. Robin read the story and said that it might not be true. They did some research and say they found the model was an artists apprentice who may have been Da Vinci's lover. Howard went to break after that.
After the break Howard came back and asked Gary why he was handing him something because he can't hear him. Gary said that Las Vegas has odds on who will replace Regis. Howard asked if he really thought that was important. Fred kept playing a clip of Gary clearing his voice.
Robin got back to her news and read about Charlie Sheen who is being treated at home for his addiction. Robin read that CBS has ordered additional episodes of ''Rules of Engagement'' just in case Charlie can't finish his commitment to ''Two and a Half Men.''
Howard said he was watching a video of a Dutch game show where you have to smell something blindfolded. He said that you have to guess what it is. Howard said this one guy smells some stuff like cheese and perfume. Then they have a guy's naked ass and the guy has his nose right up the guy's ass. Howard said it was really funny. He said the guy got the answer correct and then he starts retching and gagging. Howard said he had to play the audio of the guy's noise. Howard said he was sending this clip to everyone he knew. Howard played the audio and the guy guessed right and then he starts gagging. Howard and Robin were getting some laughs out of those sounds. Robin said that people are nutty all over the place. Howard said you can find this if you search for ''Total Blackout'' on Google.
Robin got back to her news and read about how Verizon Wireless has the iPhone available for pre-order. Robin read some details about that.
Robin read some news about what's going on over in Egypt. They spent a few minutes talking about that stuff. Robin said President Obama sat down with John McCain and they talked about Egypt. McCain thinks that he should speak to Mubarak and tell him to step down. Howard said he'd be out of there already if he was the leader of Egypt. Robin had some audio clips of some people talking about what's going on over there. Howard suggested that they have Mubarak step down and them move into the Luxor in Las Vegas. He said that would be cool. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a new iPad only publication called The Daily. Howard said he's going to get that. Robin had some audio of Rupert Murdoch talking about how they came up with this idea. Robin said this will cost 99 cents per week. Howard said he wants a free trial. He doesn't want to get stuck with something like the NY Post app that doesn't update early.
Robin read about the Super Bowl that's coming up this weekend. Howard said he was feeling that Green Bay might win but then he was thinking that Pittsburgh might in. Robin said they haven't spent much time talking about it and they didn't bother betting on it. Howard and Robin bet on the game. Howard took Pittsburgh to win. Robin read about the security they're going to have at the game this weekend.
Robin read about Gabrielle Giffords' husband, Mark Kelly, making his decision about going on the last Shuttle mission this month. Howard said he will not go. He knows he wants to go but he can't. Robin had some audio of his brother, Scott Kelly, talking about the mission. Robin said that Mark has said that Gabrielle is making progress in her recovery. It's not going to be quick though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his girlfriend hates Howard but she had a dream about him the other night. He asked her if she fucked him in the dream. She said she didn't. Howard cut him off and said that she can watch him on Letterman tonight.
Ralph called in so Howard told him to set up his clothes for him so he's good to go today. Ralph said he did that the other day and he can get him dressed quick today. Howard said he just wants what they picked out the other day. Ralph said he's just trying to do his best for him. Howard told him to jut get in and get him dressed and then get the fuck out.
Ralph said he got The Daily and it's really good. He said it's kind of like what a newspaper should be. He said they have different sections that are cool but it loads a little slowly. He said he's going to test it out on the train and things like that. He said he'll talk about it on a new Geektime this week too... Saturday at 2 on Howard 101.
Robin read about how OJ Simpson may be getting out of jail. They're saying that they're trying to overturn the ruling in his case. They also say that he could get parole after 9 years if they don't change the ruling.
Robin read a story about Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband taking some time off because of exhaustion. Howard wondered what would make him so exhausted. They talked about that for a minute and then did another live commercial.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Donald Rumsfeld's new book. She had some details about that and what Rumsfeld talks about in that.
Robin read a story about the new Batman movie ''Dark Knight Rises'' and what villain he'll be taking on. Howard said he doesn't know that character which was called Bane. Howard said it must be something more recent. Then he remembered who it was. Robin had some audio of the writer of the movie talking about it.
Robin read a story about Jennifer Lopez talking about how she's just another working mom when she was on Oprah. Robin had some audio of her talking about that. Howard said he saw her up there at Sirius the other day. He said they were making a big fuss about that. He said they probably thought he was gone already but he was up there for some meetings.
Robin said she was talking to one of the guys from Stone Temple Pilots who said that he felt bad for the guys in Aerosmith about Steven Tyler being on American Idol. She said that Dean told her that the whole music scene has changed so it's hard to tell how this will affect the band. Robin had some audio of Steven Tyler talking to Oprah too. Howard said he's still enjoying American Idol. He said it really hasn't lost much. He said they're still doing the auditioning and singing and that's what he's into. Robin had a few clips from the show. They played those and Fred threw in Gary's throat clearing clip a few more times.
Robin read about how Rihanna has released a new song and it's causing some controversy. It's called S&M and over in the UK they won't play it before 7pm.
Robin asked if Howard knows what BEP stands for. Howard thought it had something to do with Benjy. Fred said it stands for Benjy Eats Pussy but it was actually Black Eyed Peas. Robin said that one of the guys has written and autobiography. Robin had some details about that.
Robin had Howard play the Dallas TV show theme song. Robin said that Larry Hagman is going to be reprising his role on the show. Howard sounded shocked.
Robin said that Leighton Meester is going to be in a new movie with Minka Kelly called ''The Roommate.'' She had some audio of Minka talking about the movie. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:05am.
Jon asked Gary who he thinks is going to go with Howard tonight. Jon said that Beth and Don will be there and so will Ralph. Gary said he used to go but he would hang in the hallways and stay out of the way. He said he wasn't in there giving him a hard time. He said he was there to help if he needed him. Gary said he's pretty sure that Tim is going to show up.
Jon said that he felt for JD today. Gary asked if he thinks that JD is done with her now. Jon said no way. Gary said he heard that Bubba uses her on his show too. He said he found that kind of interesting. Gary said that she's been a Miss Howard TV and she's on Bubba's show but you'd think that JD would want to do stuff with someone who has no chance of being on the show.
Jon said Benjy was right that there are other girls who will do this stuff for free. He doesn't need to pay for it. Gary said that he really needs to find a girl who has nothing to do with the show. Gary said that Will told him today that they had a girl bail on them today. He said that he showed him the notes about JD and he said he just had to let it go.
Benjy asked if it was JD who told them or if it was Janessa who told them about it. Gary said he thinks it was Janessa who told them in the pre-interview.
JD came in and Jon asked if he wasn't able to look at her today. JD said he couldn't look at anyone hardly. He said that he saw everyone laughing in there. Gary asked if he's upset with her. JD said he's not. He said that he knows how they found out what he was doing. JD said he didn't want to get into that though. Gary asked if she told Will in the pre-interview. JD said she didn't. He said that he lost touch with her for a while and he asked someone who knew her for the contact information. He said that he wasn't hearing back from her or anything so he didn't know what was going on. He said he was texting her and then it stopped . JD said that she ended up going to an Artie gig and he saw her there.
Gary asked Will how he found out. Will said it was the Penthouse publicist, Lainey, who told him about it. It turns out JD had contacted that Penthouse publicist about getting in touch with her. JD said that Janessa actually didn't want to talk about some of the stuff that they did. Will said that she didn't want to seem like she was throwing anyone under the bus.
Gary asked JD how much he spent talking to her. JD said he didn't know and he didn't want to break it down. JD said it wasn't free though. Jon asked if she threw in anything as a bonus for a friend. Gary asked him how much he spent on her. JD said he doesn't go out a lot so he spends his money on that sort of stuff.
Benjy asked JD how he got on the web cam thing. JD said he thinks he brought it up. JD said this is so fun to go over. Gary asked if she can see him on the camera. JD said he doesn't know if he's turned on the camera the last few times. JD wasn't saying much.
Jon asked JD if he was looking for a relationship or was this just to get off. JD said he knows that she's basically married so it was just getting off. He said he would love it if she was single. Jon said he didn't seem too thrilled about the Sybian today either. JD said he could hear Richard pulling the clips of him saying stuff so that's why he didn't say much. JD said that's just him. He just wanted to get it over with.
Jon asked JD about the kind of money he could spend on her and why he would do that when he doesn't make much. JD said he does think about that. Gary said that he doesn't go out much and he doesn't drink a lot so this is what he spends the money on. Gary asked if he does other things like this. JD said he didn't know what he spent on porn in the past year. Gary asked if he's spent more on other girls. JD gets free porn there from the show. Gary told him not to spend any money on porn and let him know if he needs anything. JD said he just spends it on the live stuff.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that JD's attitude is like shame and it's really not that big of a deal. She said that she's lucky to have him as a customer. She told JD that this girl is basically a whore. She's just about married and she's out doing this with customers. She said her husband would never let her do something like that.
JD said he was trying to keep this stuff private but obviously it didn't stay that way. JD said he just wants to get this day over with. JD said he is kind of ashamed of this.
Gary said that it's not the worst thing in the world. It's not like he's jerking off to gay porn. JD said that he's not comfortable saying this stuff on the air. He said that it's paying for it that's embarrassing. Will said that it would be bad if he blew his whole tax return on a lap dance or something... which is something JD did once.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that JD is totally destroyed. JD said he is today but he'll get over it. The guys had to go to break a short time later.
Jon moved on to talk about Gary the Retard. Gary said that things got really wild out in the hall while he was there. He said that they had Gary spanking Sal's ass and things like that out there. Sal and Richard were calling him over to their office a bunch of times too.
Benjy said Howard asked Gary if he has ever had sex and Gary said no. Will said that he asked his handler if that was true and he said it was. Gary is a virgin. The guys said it would be nice if they could find someone for him.
Gary said that Gary the Retard really didn't know the instruments and he called one instrument a ''Trumpaline.'' Gary said that they knew that he could spell the word ''red'' but it's not clear if he could spell green or blue. Jon doesn't think that he could spell green. Jon said he did okay on the test.
Jon asked about the robbery they set up and how that went awry. Gary said that they put a lot of effort into that bit and Gary reacted very quickly. Gary said that he thinks that he would have shot anyone that walked into the room. Will said they should give him a gun and see if he just starts shooting everyone.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they should have had JD talking to Janessa like that old guy and just went with it. JD said he'd like to be able to but he clammed up. Will said that's not JD to go along with a joke.
Ralph called in and told JD that he has nothing to be ashamed of. He should be walking around there proudly. He said that it's no different jerking off to porn. He said that he should be proud of doing it with a live person. Ralph said that other people are probably jerking off to even more shocking stuff. He said he bets that Benjy is jerking off to some creepy stuff. Benjy said he jerks off to some animals.
Ralph asked what JD pays to do that. JD said he'll talk to him off the air about that. Ralph said he goes on the free web cams once in a while but he won't pay for it. Gary said he's never done the live thing because it's kind of cheating. Ralph laughed. Gary said that one thing is interactive and one thing is voyeuristic.
Benjy asked Gary if his ''mom... er, wife'' minds strip clubs. Gary said that she's okay with that but he's not jerking off there. Ralph said that you're actually touching though. He said Gary should start doing the web cam thing. Gary said that's not for him. Jon went to break after that.
Gary said they were out at CES and Damon Lindeloff said that your ego gets the best of you and you can't help yourself wanting to post more.
Jon took a call from a guy who told JD that he should just tell Howard that he's uncomfortable talking to him. JD said that doesn't stop Howard from talking about it. The caller said that he might stop forcing him to come into the studio. JD said that makes you feel that you're disappointing the show. He said he can't just stop going in there.
The caller said that JD must like the fame from the show. JD said he does and he likes it because he can try to get laid but he doesn't like the bad side of it when people make fun of him. The caller told JD to make some appearances to make more money. Gary said JD doesn't like people and he doesn't like going out.
JD said he doesn't want to seem like he's some important person at an appearance. Jon said that if someone wants to pay him then he should take it. Gary said that he can plug it on the Wrap Up Show if he makes appearances.
Benjy said that he has thought about joining one of those web cam sites as a girl just to freak some guys out. Jon said that JD could start his own business and put himself on cam. Gary said he could start his own business where he has girls living with him and doing the web cam thing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he invited JD to come to a party and he didn't take him up on the offer. He said it was just a party to come and hang out at and get paid to do it. JD said he doesn't want to do that. He's not looking to get hired to do anything like that. Gary said he thought he said that he'd like to do that. Will asked JD if he would really turn down $1,000 to go out and drink. JD said he wouldn't do it. The caller said they paid more than $1,000 and flew them up to Toronto. JD said that Sal and Richard are more sociable than he is. JD said he never said that he was available for appearances.
Gary and the guys asked JD if he would go out and make appearances for any reason. JD said he didn't want to do them and he had various reasons for not wanting to do it. Gary and Jon figured that he just doesn't want to talk to people he doesn't know. JD said that's part of it. Jon asked Gary if he ever felt weird about doing appearances. Gary said he did but he got over that. They had to end the show a short time later.
This week's Best of the Week was over around 11:20am.