|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
In the clip Howard asked Jackie if he had any experiences. Jackie said no. Fred said no but Howard said he doesn't believe that. He said Fred is one who won't answer a question like that. Howard asked Gary if he had any. Gary said no too but Howard didn't believe it. He asked if he had any experiences with his friends. Gary said no but he had heard stories about other guys. Howard said he heard about some kids in his camp that may have done some stuff.
Howard said every guy has had something happen. He said he had an experience where a guy asked him to touch him. Howard said he is no homo and he knew it was wrong as soon as he touched it. He said that he stopped immediately. He said he had another time when he had a guy at the house and they talked about how they like to pleasure themselves and they ended up talking about doing it to each other. He said if he was homo he would have done it then. He said ''no'' to the guy. Howard said his finger never ended up in butt like Jackie.
Jackie said when he was in 5th or 6th grade he was in camp and the counselor offered him a dollar a minute to pleasure him. Howard said he probably said that wasn't enough money and he demanded more. Jackie said that wasn't a lot of money. He said he was appalled.
Gary said he had a story. Howard said this doesn't make you gay. Gary said he knows but he's afraid his mother will hear. He said this was a guy older than him that he knew. He said he was about 7 or 8 and the other guy was 14 or 15. He said he went over for about 2 seconds and then left when the guy asked him to touch him. Gary said he had never told that to anyone.
Howard said he really only lasted 2 seconds when the guy asked him to touch him. He said that everyone has a story like that to tell. He said Fred must have something to tell too. Fred said he really doesn't. He said he wishes that he did. Howard said every guy does.
Howard asked Gary if he was okay over there. Gary said he was but he had to deny the whole thing because you're afraid that people are going to label you.
Howard said Gary was really thrown off. Jackie said that maybe it's someone Gary is still in touch with. Howard asked if that's what it was. Gary said you just put that stuff behind you. Jackie thought that was a great comment for a gay experience. Howard said Jackie loves that double entendre.
After an edited out break Howard came back and said Gary had more gay stories. Gary said he was in high school and went to football camp. He said they kind of did a hazing type of thing for the team members. He said there was a story going around the camp about how the other team had the youngest guys get naked and they'd have a 45 RPM record they'd make the guys stick in the crack of their butt and they'd have to run around playing tag trying to get it from the other guys.
Jackie said he just remembered something. Howard said he knew he'd have something. Jackie said he must have been repressing it. Howard said it might be time to go down to the Homo Room. Fred had to find the carts for the sound effects to the Homo Room. Howard said they might be in Fred's tuchas. Fred finally found the clips and tried to get them into the Homo Room. Fred had to find the door opening and then the foot steps. He wasn't able to find the foot steps. Howard put the echo on his voice and got them sounding like they were in the Homo Room. Howard said this doesn't mean they're homos either. It just means they have gay stories.
Howard asked Jackie what he had to tell. Jackie said he was in college and he was at the intramural building. Howard cut him off and said he was going to shove a frog in his butt. Fred had those sound clips available so he played those.
Jackie said he was working out at this class and he was alone. He said for some reason he had some time and there was a whirlpool bath there. He said there were guys who would hang around the gym. He said this guy came over to the whirlpool and started rubbing his shoulders as he was taking the bath. He said he yelled when the guy touched him and the guy reacted like a girl getting rejected. Jackie said he almost got out and smacked him.
Gary told another story about a guy who hit on him when he was a stock boy. There was also a story about this guy who asked him if he would ever perform a gay act on a man and it seemed like he was asking if he would do anything with him.
Howard went up and asked Fred if he had any stories to add yet. Fred told him he didn't. Howard said Fred has to have stories. He just isn't sharing. Howard and the guys stayed in the Homo Room for a few more minutes. Jackie said he had another story. He said this wasn't homo though. This was tradition. Jackie said when he was growing up they'd go to the rich side of town for parties or whatever and there was a hill leading up to his house. He said they never had sex with anyone and they'd get kisses and stuff. He said that they would stop on the side of the hill, lay down and all whack off laying on the side of the road. He said one night there were like 8 or 9 of them laying there and his aunt stopped and started talking to him. He said they were all laying there with their pants down and he was talking to his aunt. Howard said he wasn't having fun anymore. He had to get out of the Homo Room.
In the clip Howard had Tony O on the phone. Howard said that this guy wasn't a Giants fan and they were watching the game together. He said that Tony had ''Giants Suck'' on his ass. His wife drew that on there. He said people were throwing stuff at his ass when he'd show it during the game. It was all in good fun. Then Jackie stuck his finger in his butt hole when he bent over at one point. Howard said he was getting a good laugh while this was going on. He had the tape so he played some of that.
Howard played the tape and everyone was laughing and having fun when he'd pull his pants down to show ''Giants Suck.'' Then he bent over and Jackie stuck his finger up his ass. Everyone was laughing their asses off. Jackie was happy about his timing. He timed it perfectly as Ronnie was taking the picture. Howard said they have the pictures too.
Howard said that was better than any game on TV. He asked Tony if he was freaking out. Tony said he hardly even touched him. He said when they see the pictures they'll see that he barely touched him. Tony said he'll never be able to sell spots in this market after this. He said he never expected that to happen. Tony told Howard that he's ruined him.
Howard said Tony looked like a raped woman after that. He said that Tony even left early. Tony said he had another party to go to. He didn't moon anyone there though. Howard said Jackie was going to be a doctor before he got into comedy. Howard said Tony looked like he liked it if you ask him. Tony didn't say anything. Howard let Tony go and said that's what they do to guys from other stations who compete with them.
Howard's Gay Dream. 2/3/99. 6:25am
Howard spent a few minutes telling Robin about a gay dream he had last night. He explained that he was having gay sex with some skinny guy when he looked down and noticed that he wasn't wearing a condom. Some of the details of the dream were wiped out by the delay button so I don't know them all. Anyway, Howard was trying to analyze what the dream meant. He didn't think that the dream was sexual. It may have had something to do with him being afraid of cheating on his wife or something like that. One guy called in with a gay test to see if Howard really is gay. He had a few questions about looking at guys in movies and having nocturnal emissions as a child among other things. Howard answered yes to 2 out of three questions so the test says that Howard must be bi-sexual. Maybe that explains why he keeps Ralph around.
They went to break after this segment.
Jonah Falcon Shows His Penis To George Takei. 08/20/08. 7:20am
Howard moved on and brought in this guy Jonah Falcon who has a sports show, Talkin' Yankees, that they prank call all the time. He also has a 14 inch penis and he was coming in to show that to George. Howard said he knows that Jonah isn't a fan of theirs but he is a fan of George's.
Jonah was wearing a bathing suit so he could get his junk out for George. Jonah said that he's listed as being bi-sexual but he's never taken it from a guy before. He said that he just got laid this past weekend but he's know the girl for a long time. He said that the girls don't always go crazy for the big penis.
Jonah said that there are girls who see it and just say no to him. Howard asked Jonah to show George his penis. Jonah said that he's about 8.5 inches when he's soft. He wasn't going to show it to the guys because he was soft. He said that he can't just get hard on command. Howard asked Jonah if he was big when he was a kid. Jonah said he was 8 inches when he was 10 years old and some other boys measured him.
George caught a glimpse of his penis and Jonah said that he could touch it if he wanted. George said that Brad isn't listening to the show today because of this so he may be able to touch it. George went over to touch it a short time later.
The guys said it looked like George was milking a cow. He was tugging on his penis and the guys were wondering what the was doing over there. George sounded like he was having some fun over there. Howard said that this was some bachelor party. George said that it smelled like he had garlic for breakfast this morning and apparently kissed the guy or something. No one said what was going on at that point.
George told Jonah that he was going to be down in Atlanta at a Star Trek convention. It sounded like he was hitting on him. George said that he could have Jonah working out with him. The guys reminded him that he's about to get married.
Howard asked Jonah if that was exciting for him. Jonah said that he was more of a fan of the TNG (The Next Generation) and not so much a fan of the old shows.
George said that a little variety is great once in a while. Howard said this was an exciting bachelor party. Artie said it was the strangest one he had ever been to. He said that the groom usually does stuff that could ruin a wedding and George seems to be doing that. George said that Brad isn't listening so he should be okay.
Howard told Jonah that he didn't disappoint at all this morning. Jonah said that a lot of his friends are proud of him getting married out in California and he wanted to sing a song to him. He said this was for George and Brad. He started singing a few seconds later and had the guys laughing. Artie was laughing so hard he was crying. He wasn't even able to speak. He eventually said he didn't even know what to say to that.
Jonah finished his song and Artie continued to laugh his ass off at him. Jonah was going on and on with the song and wouldn't stop singing. Howard said he wishes that Artie's dad was there. Artie said ''No you don't...'' Jonah said that song was from a Muppet movie where Gonzo was singing in the middle of the desert.
George said that this is all part of the diversity of life and they're exposing the audience to that. Artie asked Jonah if he was more gay or hetero. Jonah said that he should remain sexually ambiguous for his career as an actor.
Howard thanked Jonah for coming in and said that he's a nice guy. He said he knows that he gets his balls busted on his TV show but he seems to be a nice guy.
Howard asked George if Jonah got hard when he was squeezing him. George said he didn't. Robin said that he must have to lay down to get hard because the size of that thing would take a lot of blood.
George said that he's taking Brad out to a nice restaurant tonight because he has a feeling that he may hear some of this today.
George said that he loves Garlic and it seems that Jonah may have had some for breakfast this morning. Robin asked Artie if this was the worst day for him today as a Stern Fan. Artie said that he thinks that Imus has more listeners this morning than Howard does.
Artie said that he can't believe that guy hosts a Yankee's sports show. Howard asked Richard for the best call they made to this Jonah Falcon call in show. Gary told him which one to play. It was one where Richard and Sal called in and asked Jonah about the weather over and over again. Artie was laughing his ass off again after a few minutes of those calls. Jonah was taking call after call and they were all Sal and Richard busting his balls. Artie asked what the fuck is with that kid.
Prettiest Penis Contest. 08/20/08. 7:45am
Howard said he learned yesterday that he's not gay. He said that he went to get a physical and the doctor had to stick his finger up his ass. He had to lay on his side and the doctor put some K-Y on his finger and stuck it in there and twisted it around. Howard said that he nearly went through the roof. He said it hurt and he just hates it. Howard said that he took a big dump before he went there and he thinks that there was still some brown on his gloved finger.
Howard said that he was told he had the blood pressure of a teenager. He didn't know what it was though. Ralph called in after that and said he just woke up and heard them asking a guy who whip his cock out. Howard said they were throwing George a bachelor party today.
Howard said that it was time for the Prettiest Penis contest. The guys who were in the contest came walking in a few seconds later. Robin was shocked at whatever it was she was seeing. Howard asked the first contestant how old he was. He's 78. Howard said that he was totally nude too. Howard asked the guy if he is gay or straight. He said he was straight but it sounded like he was hesitating on the answer.
The 78 year old was posing and trying to give his penis a background so George could see it. The guy asked Howard how his dog Java is doing. He was holding a stuffed dog in his hand that barked. Howard said this guy's name is George Lyker. He tried to ask him some questions but the guy was going on about some letter he had sent to Artie about playing mind games with this outpatient program he's in.
Howard asked the guys to judge George L's penis. George said it was lacking in circumference but it was a fine penis. Howard had the second guy go up and his name was Maurey. He had a strange voice that was kind of like Scott Ferrall. He was putting that on and got back into his real voice a second later. Howard said that this contest was sponsored by ManGroomer.com.
Howard asked Maurey to show his penis. He chubbed it up a little bit but it was kind of a nub when he took it out. George kept that in his mind and Howard brought up Mike to show his penis. The guy was a muscular guy and said he was straight. He said that he's always worked out and just maintains that with push ups and pull ups. He said his wife tells him he has a pretty penis. He showed his penis to the guys and Artie said he was busy texting people so he didn't see any of this.
Howard said that the next guy, Gogo Boy, was sucking his thumb. He said that he's Tri-sexual and he will try anything. He was wearing a t-shirt for his friend's band ''Toilet Boys.'' Howard spent a minute talking to him and then had him pull down his pants. He showed off his penis and George said it could use some exercise.
Next up was Mike who was missing a few teeth. He said he's a skate boarder so that's why he's missing some teeth. He said that he's one of the original Jackasses too so he does a lot of crazy stunts. George wanted him to take off all of his clothes so he could see what was going on there. He did that and then showed his penis. He was shaved down and George liked that. He liked his tattoos and his ''buns.'' Mike said that anyone that wanted to be tattooed could get it done by his guy who was there with him.
Howard moved on to Ron who claimed that his penis looked like a renaissance painting. He said that his wife tells him that it's very pretty. He showed his penis and he had a foreskin restoration tugger attached to it. He said he was circumcised at birth and he's trying to grow some new skin there. He said it actually worked and showed the guys what he's got down there. He said it took about 4 years for him to grow the 4 inches of skin he has there now. He claims that sex is even better now that he has it.
Howard said it was time to judge. George L said that he didn't think that he was going to win. He asked Howard about what his IQ was. Howard said he thinks that he might be close to being retarded. George L said that he had a theory about Howard and Beth that he wanted to present to him. He wanted to do it on the air or during the break. Howard told him to do it now because it won't happen during the break. George L said that he thinks his marriage will last 2 years and then he'll be back in a situation like he's in now and he'll divorce and then live with Beth again. Howard said he wanted to take him and throw him out of there.
George L was complaining that Howard didn't get all of the letters and stuff that he had sent to him. Howard cut him off and said he was high jacking the show. He said that wasn't fair to the rest of the contestants.
The guys all whipped out their penises, except for Maurey, and then George said that they were all beautiful. He said he was going to go with he total physical look and picked this guy Michael Christian as the winner. Howard sang a song to him about his beautiful penis. George sang to him as well.
One of the guys wanted to give George a lap dance but Howard told him ''not today.'' He wrapped up and let the guys go a short time later. The foreskin guy offered George a Foreskin cone for Brad. George said that he'd take it. Howard said that this really is a gay bachelor party. George said that this is a great day for him. Robin said that he didn't even want it earlier in the week. George said that's because Brad was listening.
The End Of The Gay Bachelor Party? 08/20/08. 8:00am
Howard said that this was too much for him and they had done enough of this gay stuff for one day. He asked Robin to show them her tits. She wasn't going to do that. Artie asked for any hot chicks in the area to come down there as soon as possible.
George was singing the ''Release Robin's Bra'' song parody so Fred played that so he could sing along to it. Howard cut that off and talked to Artie about what was going on there. Fred said that he thought the penis restoration thing was kind of weird. He said that it looked very odd to him.
Gary said that Will just came out and said that he was done with cocks after today. Gary said that Richard is upset that he can't put anything in his ass. Howard said that he's not going to do that. He said they only lasted until 8 o'clock with the gay bachelor party. He said they tried to do the best they could.
Howard said that they will let the guy from the Village People sing the song to George. He's not sure what else they're going to do though. He said that Sal and Richard wanted to play naked Twister.
They went to break after that segment.
In the bit Howard told Robin about this ''Gay Untouchables'' bit he was about to play. It featured characters by the name of Elliot P. Ness and Al Cabone and it was a parody of ''The Untouchables.''
In this clip Howard was talking about how they had Gay Rich put under hypnosis to see if they could turn him straight. Howard said Rich was doing everything while he was under. He said Rich is so gay that there's this guy from E! who he's been begging to take his shirt off. Rich said he's hoping he does that before he leaves. Howard told him that he can't be doing that because it's harassment.
Howard had the E! show guy come in to talk about that. Howard said the guy is straight. Gay Rich said he doesn't care. He said he's delicious and beautiful. Howard asked Robin if she has noticed him. Robin said she has and she thinks he's very cute. Rich said the guy is dreamy. Howard said if this wasn't a radio show he probably would have had his ass kicked a day ago. Howard asked what Rich does to the guy. The guy said that he follows him around and he's always there.
Rich said he has thought about him in his dreams. The E! guy said that it's gotten worse over the past couple of days. Rich said he didn't know that it was a bother. He said he didn't know if he knew about the crush or not. Gary said that they have the camera that roams the halls and they have about 40 minutes of Rich talking to the guy. Howard said they should roll that tape now.
Robin said that this guy, Eric, comes into the room to use the microwave and Rich will say ''Hi dream boat!'' Howard asked if Rich would like they to tie him down so he can do stuff to him. Rich said he was wondering if the guy could even tell the difference between a man and a woman pleasing him orally.
Howard said that maybe if Rich works on him long enough he'll win him over. Eric said he's pretty sure that won't happen. He said he did show Rich his tattoo though. Rich was rolling his tongue and making sexy sounds for Eric. He said that Eric had flexed for him out in the hall but Eric said that wasn't a flex, it was just his tattoo.
Howard talked about Dr. King and the way he had Rich hypnotized. Gary told Howard that they've been toying with Rich there by telling him that Eric was waiting for him in the men's bathroom stall. He said that Rich ran down there when they told him that.
Rich wanted to talk to Eric about his gay stuff but Howard said he had heard enough for the day. He said that this was Rich's going away gift. He said that Rich's time as an intern is up and he's leaving soon.
Howard did a Superman parody as ''Homoman'' for a short time before he wrapped up with Rich and Eric. They had to go to break after that.
In this clip we heard Howard talking about Ralph going to the E! show party and how they have a lot of transsexuals there at Lucky Chengs. Ralph came in and told the guys what he saw there. He said that one of the guys got carried away and was kissing one of the transsexuals. Howard had Scott come in to explain it. Scott said that she was gorgeous.
Ralph said that guy had a huge penis too. Scott said she did not. Howard said that they do have some pictures from the restaurant and he can kind of tell. He said that Scott must have been drunk. Scott said he still thinks that's a girl.
Mike Gange came in and said that the trannie kept tucking in her penis. Scott said that is not true. Scott said he told the dude that he'd still go out with her even though he knew he was a man. Gange and Ralph said he kissed that chick on the mouth. Howard told Gange to kiss Scott now. Ralph said he has to put on a dress first.
Gange said that Scott told him that he felt ''a lot of padding'' in there. Howard asked Scott if he knew there were going to be trannies there. Scott said the joke was to not tell him that's what it was. Gange said that he could see the make up covering up the stubble on the faces of these guys.
Scott Einziger came in and said that Scott was talking about beating up any of the trannies that talked to him but then later on he was making out with one. Howard said that homophobic people are often gay themselves.
DePace claims that he just kissed the guy on the cheek. He said it wasn't on the lips. The other guys were saying that it was on the lips though.
Howard said that story was pretty wild. Scott said he had fun. He says he's not gay though. Ralph asked what he's going to do if he calls. Scott said he'd ask if he was really a girl. He said that he'd have to know that before he'd know what he was doing. Scott said he's still not sure if that was a man or a woman last night. Howard said he was a man. That's what the guys were trying to tell him. Scott said that Howard has liked some transsexuals before. He liked that Tula guy. Howard said that he wouldn't have sex with him. He said that's where he draws the line.
Howard asked Scott what he'd do if this guy calls and he says he has a vagina that's man made. Scott said he wouldn't have sex with him. He said if it was a real woman he'd go out with her. Howard asked what he'd do if he went out with someone who said she was a girl but turned out to be a guy. Scott said he might beat them up. He said he's not sure about that.
Ralph told Howard the guy's name was Bianca. Howard said there aren't too many women in this world with that name. They said they could see the beard on the guy too. Scott didn't see that.
Scott said he wanted everyone at home in Delaware to know that he's straight and if anyone wants to date him, he's available.
Howard had Scott dance with him and he grabbed his ass. Howard said he seems to have learned a lot after that one night date with the transsexual. Howard had a cartoon they drew of Scott on his ''date'' too. They had him with a guy with a beard in the picture. They went to break a short time later.
Sal And Richard's Sex Scene Goes All Wrong. 11/29/05. 7:50am
Gary brought up a story about Richard and Sal who have been getting even creepier. Both of them had to go to the bathroom yesterday, number 2, so they both went into the bathroom together and ended up showing what they had cleaned each time they'd wipe. They were both cracking up and laughing as they showed each other their wipes.
Sal and Richard came in and explained what went on. Sal said that he thought Richard didn't know it was him next to him. Richard said he did though. Sal said he wiped and kicked his paper over to Richard and started to crack up. He said Richard didn't react at first... and then the delay was hit multiple times so we missed the conversation. They were saying that they did kick each other's wipes back to each other so they could flush their own stuff. Richard said he was ready for the paper to fly over the top of the stall. He said if that had happened, he would have gone over to wipe his stuff in Sal's face.
Richard said that they send pictures of their bowel movements over their cell phones. Richard said he sends pictures of his private parts to Sal as well.
Howard said that the guys made a video where Sal gets into the shower with Richard which was weird. Then they showed him the tape where they goofed on Yucko by having some black guys going off on him about the racist material he does in his act. That tape will end up on Howard Stern On Demand for the fans to see. The guys have been making those little movies to get them on the new On Demand channel.
Richard said that they've been making their ''Supertwink'' movie and they have a great rape scene with him and Sal. He also explained how Artie plays a plumber in the movie and has to plunger out a gerbil from Fred the Elephant Boy's ass. He's hoping to have the movie edited and ready to air by January. Richard said that JD plays the part of ''Supertwink'' and he was born on the planet Uranus to Lord Rectum who will be played by Steve the Engineer (AKA Wood Yi). Howard wanted to see some of the clips but Richard said there's not much sound in it right now.
Artie asked about the rape scene because he heard that the two of them accidentally touched each other. Richard said that he was wearing short shorts and was playing the part of the hot guy in the office. Sal was wearing his pants for the scene but Richard was almost naked. Sal said that he dropped Richard's pants in the scene and unbuckled his pants but his pants fell down and his junk touched Richard's ass. He jumped back and yelled ''Cut!'' when that happened. Robin said she figures that they're eventually going to ''accidentally'' have sex.
Gary said that he would pay nine bucks to see this movie over ''Walk the Line'' any day. The movie should be about 20 minutes long according to Richard. Howard heard that Fred the Elephant Boy shows full frontal nudity in the movie. High Pitch Eric is in the movie as well and all they had to do to get him in it was ask.
High Pitch Eric called in but his phone went dead so Howard couldn't ask him about it. Howard asked Richard to give a clip of the movie to Howard 100 News so they can play it on Howard 100. He knows he can't play it there. High Pitch called back and said that he had a dog collar on his neck and he could barely breathe when they were filming. Sal said the collar was huge and it was on the first hole and it was still tight on him.
Artie is in the movie as well so he had to plunge Elephant Boy's ass. He didn't know he had scenes after actually touching his ass with the plunger so he demanded to have another plunger. He was also saying that Eric was eating a ton of food while they were filming and he was wearing the biggest pair of sweat pants that he had ever seen. Howard said that they have to stop making those giant sweat pants because it allows people to get really fat. He said he used to wear stuff like that when he was fat.
Richard said that he and JD pretend to kiss at the end of the movie. Howard was surprised that JD agreed to do something like that. JD came in and said that he didn't try to do any gay voice in the movie, he just kept his usual ''Napoleon Dynamite-like'' voice through the whole thing. The guys also said that they will have a documentary of the making of the movie that will air on Howard Stern On Demand as well.
Sal thought it was funny that they got High Pitch to agree to the movie and then got Artie to agree just as easy. Artie said the warehouse they rented was pretty intense because it looked like a place where someone was murdered. Sal told Howard that Will Murray was great in the movie as well and did a scene where he had to ask for a tissue to wipe the man goo off his face.
Mark Harris And Daveed Visit. 11/11/1997. 8:25am
Howard had Mark Harris come in with his boyfriend Daveed. He explained who Mark was and how he was married to Martha Raye. He went on to talk about how after Martha died, Mark got $2.4 million from her estate. Mark said he invested most of that money and he's hoping to be able to live off of that. He said the house he's building is where most of that money will end up. The house is going to be 14,000 square feet and it will be for him and his daughter.
Mark said that Martha's daughter got $50,000 out of the will but she would have gotten just one dollar if it wasn't for him. He convinced Martha to give her more. Howard asked Mark about his love making with Martha and how he did it at least two times. He asked Daveed if he knew that Mark had made love to a 90 year old woman. Daveed said he did know that. Mark interrupted and asked Howard about the Real Doll but Howard didn't want to talk about that, he wanted to talk to Mark about his life.
Howard asked Mark about what he did after Martha died. Mark had gone over to Europe and met Daveed. Mark said that was about 3 years later though. Daveed was playing his violin at the time so Howard had him reenact that moment. Daveed played his violin a little bit for them. Howard asked Mark what he sang with Daveed that night he met him. Mark said it was Broadway tunes but he didn't remember which ones because he was so drunk at the time.
Howard asked Daveed about how he got Mark into bed and got him undressed. Daveed said that Mark was a little overweight so Howard figured he was disgusted by him. They spent a few minutes going over all of that. They eventually realized that they could work together musically. Mark said they realized that almost immediately.
Howard was going to let Mark and Daveed perform a song but took some phone calls first. He also found out that Mark was actually born Mark Harris Bleefeld which he felt came off too German so he shortened it. He had Mark and Daveed start their song a short time after that. Daveed played his Violin over a music track while Mark sang ''Eternity.'' Jackie was laughing through the whole song. Fred was also letting out a few laughs while Mark was belting out the song.
Howard said the phones were lit up after the song. He took a couple of calls and let the fans comment on what they had just heard. One guy asked if his first wife was a lesbian. Mark said that was not true at all. He said that he wanted to know what this man's name was but the guy wouldn't give that information out. Some other callers told Mark he was awful and Gilbert Gottfried's singing Rabbi is better. Another guy said that his sphincter muscle tightened up when he heard Mark singing.
Howard let a few more callers through and said he didn't want Mark to get upset by taking more. Mark said it was all fine. Howard let a few more callers through to goof on Mark about his awful singing. Howard told Mark that he actually liked the performance. Robin said it was very interesting. Howard asked Daveed to play a little more for them before he wrapped up. Daveed played a little concerto on his violin and Howard told Mark to take off his clothes while he played. Howard said that Daveed really has some talent and he's not sure how he got saddled with Mark. He went to break a short time later.
In this clip Howard was talking to Steve Grillo about a gay experience he had when he was out one night. Grillo said that he was out with some friends and he was loaded. Howard said they ended up at this guy's place and he suggested that they share the bed. It was a king sized bed. Grillo said he picked a corner and slept there in his clothes. Howard said he sounds paranoid to him. Grillo said he's not paranoid or anything, he just doesn't like sleeping in the same bed with guys.
Howard told Grillo that he could have slept on a couch. Grillo said there was a couch. He said he could have slept there and he did end up there. He figured he could try the bed since he'd rather try that instead of having springs in his back or something.
Grillo said that he had this guy who kept putting his arm on him and he figured he was asleep and didn't know what he was doing. He said that the guy was caressing him and he started to move his arm down toward his stomach. Then he went for his genitals. He ran to the couch after that. Grillo said his hand slid right down around his genitals. Howard asked if he was aroused at all. Grillo said he wasn't. Howard said he would have been out of the bed as soon as that hand touched him.
Is Artie Gay? 7/31/03. 6:00am
Howard said he didn't even know where to begin this morning. He said a quick Good Morning and then tried to figure out where to start. He said the ''Queer Eye'' guys were there to talk about Artie's make over. Artie apparently got drunk to get his make over yesterday and the gay guys got upset. Howard gave a quick run down of what happened yesterday. He said the guys from ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' were in yesterday to do the make over on Artie. Kyan and Carson were the two that showed up on the show. They took Artie out after the show and went to a spa. Howard thinks Artie got depressed about his body and stuff so he started drinking when they went out to eat. He was apparently begging Doug (from E!) for a bottle of Jack Daniel's while they were out shopping. He said it turned into a whole thing with him. Howard had a clip of Artie moaning about not having his Jack Daniel's. He was slurring and kind of sounded a little more effeminate than he ever has. Howard also played a clip where he talks about wanting to put on a dress and let the guys screw him. Artie says he has enough liquor in him to ''F*** a gay guy.'' Artie wasn't in the studio yet because the gay guys were making him over for the show. Howard played a few more clips of a drunken Artie yelling about gay guys ''F***ing'' him and stuff like that. He even called them faggots at one point. He also says if someone gets him some more Jack he'll ''...F*** any fruit in the place!'' He just kept saying all kinds of stuff about cutting holes in a dress to get F'd. Howard seems to think that Artie might be gay.
A listener called in and said it's kind of weird that KC seems to be gay and now Artie is showing his gay side. Howard started thinking about all of the gay stuff that's been happening on the show lately. Fred had his gay thing a few years ago as well when he was just about making out with Gay Rich while he was drunk. Another caller said that Artie puts Fred and Gay Rich to shame. Howard said they'll have even more about this story a little later. One caller wanted to know when this was going to show up on E!. Howard wasn't sure but did say that it will be on his show and not on ''Queer Eye...'' which airs on Bravo, Tuesday nights at 10pm. Another caller said Artie should be fired for his behavior. While Howard was talking about that he mentioned that Jack Daniel's sent over this really cool money clip that he loves. It was free but he loves the thing. He said he needs like 10 more because he's afraid that it's going to break.
Howard took a call from this guy, Mike, who runs the old Camp Welmet web site. Howard spent a short time talking to him about that and said that the site is kind of slow. They need more money to get it on a faster system though. Howard said he might give them a little money to get that done. Howard talked to the guy who is the brother of a guy he went to school with. Mike talked about how he got married to a woman who he went to camp with years ago. That marriage didn't last but she'll be at the reunion. Howard said he may go to the reunion on the Saturday of the reunion weekend. He said he loved camp when he went and he may have to go to the reunion. He said there were a lot of chicks he had crushes on back then but he realizes that they're approaching 50 and might not look all that great now. He told Mike he'd get in touch with him later to find out more. Howard got off the phone with him and took a couple more calls before going to break. One guy said he smashed his coffee pot when he heard the Artie stuff. Another guy said he poured out all of his liquor when he heard it.
Robin was wondering what was up with Howard bringing his dog into work again today. Howard said everyone loves the dog but Robin said it's not a dog care center. Howard said it cheers everyone up and no one has a problem with it. He said there's no spirit around the station and the dog brings a little bit of that there. Howard said he never does things conventionally and why not bring the dog there. Gary pointed out it's only been twice in a year so far that he's brought the dog in to hang out for the day. They think that it might become a regular thing now. Howard said that might be true. Robin was complaining about the dog wandering around the place once in a while during the show. Howard thought that maybe it was stealing attention from Robin. She said she thinks that Howard might be the one who needs attention. Gary changed subjects and talked about how big Robin's boobs have been looking since she lost weight. He also said that her headlights are on quite often now as well. Robin said that's because it's so cold in that place all the time. Robin got back to the dog after that quick discussion. She told Howard that everyone there is going to get sick of the dog being around. He said it doesn't matter because he likes it and she's staying. Howard took a break a short time later.
Artie's Gay Make Over With Carson And Kyan. 7/31/03. 6:40am
After the break Howard brought up Artie and the gay guys from ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.'' Howard did a quick recap of what he talked about earlier. He added that they were talking about his manners at the restaurant they went to. Artie got hammered on Jack Daniel's. That's when he started acting kind of gay asking the guys to F*** him. Howard said he had a ton of clips of Artie getting gay while he was drunk. Howard replayed some of the clips he played earlier. Howard said it was kind of funny when Artie said ''Speaking of gay guys, let's f***!'' But that's not where he stopped. He started calling them names and continued to talk about having the gay guys screw him. He was also talking about screwing the gay guys himself. Gary came in and said that he was standing in the room with Artie and was very uncomfortable as they were listening to this. Howard had a clip of Carson talking about how unfunny it was and how he couldn't work under those conditions. Howard started laughing as he heard that clip. Carson said he felt that they were going to make him look like an idiot on the E! show. Howard went on to play a few more clips of Artie yelling about getting ''gay raped'' and other stuff before bringing all of the guys in.
Kyan and Carson came in to talk about this event after that. The guys said it was kind of pathetic that Artie was doing that. Howard told them that Artie has a problem when he drinks. He just can't stop once he starts. Howard had the guys bring Artie in a minute later. Howard said he liked what they did with Artie's hair and clothes. He was wearing some nice vintage jeans and t-shirt. Howard said he wouldn't have him tucking in his t-shirt though because it shows his belly. Artie told Howard that he has embraced the gay community. He also said he feels bad about what happened. He said these guys were really nice to him and he ended up getting loaded. He got kind of depressed about his body when he went to the spa they brought him to. He said that's when he started drinking. Howard brought up some of the things they did to Artie there at the spa and how they wrapped him up in some kind of cocoa wrap. Howard said someone described it as looking like a cow had taken a dump on him. Artie said that's exactly what it looked like. After the spa they took Artie to lunch. That's where he started drinking. Doug from E! said that they weren't even out of the car for a minute before Artie started drinking. They went out shopping after that and the owner of the store ended up getting them a bottle of Jack for Artie to drink. Artie said he knows his drinking is a problem and it's been a problem for years.
Howard said it was almost like Artie was badgering the guys about F***ing him. The guys thought it was kind of annoying. Howard told Artie he was being totally gay while he was drunk around the guys but Artie didn't think that was the fact. Carson said he had nightmares about it last night.
Doug wrote that Artie was ready to go to a bar when he called him at 8:30 last night. He went out drinking and didn't get home until 3 in the morning. He went out with some of the guys from work and had a good time drinking and listening to music all night.
Howard played a few more clips from the make over trip. Artie was really plastered as he talked about the ''fags'' he had been out with. Carson and Kyan were talking about how Artie passed out while he was getting his hair cut. Doug said Artie was walking around with his Jack and water as well as a bottle of beer in the other hand. Howard had a clip of Artie apologizing to the guys after getting drunk. He was telling the cameras why he got drunk after getting depressed with his body at the spa. Artie was apologizing to every ethnic group except the Arabs. He was rambling so much that Doug had to cut him off and change subjects. Artie was rambling about how he really likes gay guys and loves the TV show ''Friends'' and some other nonsense. The publicists for the guys were there and they got really upset about all of that so they tried to cut him off.
Howard said he wasn't sure what to make of the make over but they did a great job. Artie told them that he thought they did a great job as well. Howard told Artie he should wear this outfit for his stand-up act.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it was great that Howard hired Artie for the show because this is classic stuff. He had to take a break a short time after that. He thanked Carson and Kyan for doing this and gave them a plug for ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' that airs on Bravo, Tuesday nights at 10pm. Howard said he has to have the guys back in to do a make over on Daniel Carver who is in the KKK. He went to commercial shortly after that.
Today's The Gayest Week Ever special was over around 10:25am.
KC's Gay Lie Detector Test. 03/11/1999. 7:30am
After the break Howard said he found the other version of that Wood Yi song that he was talking about earlier. He played the song that all rhymed unlike the version he played earlier.
Howard went on to complain about the cold he was getting and how he blamed a sandwich he'd eaten. He moved on to KC's lie detector test after that. Howard had Ed Torian the lie detector tester guy come in to administer the test on him. Howard wants to find out whether or not KC is gay or not. They had Ed and KC in another room so Howard could talk to Ed through the headphones. Ed had KC all hooked up so Howard went ahead and asked over 30 questions. KC seemed a little nervous when they first started. The most interesting ones came at the end of the list. Here are just a few of them:
After a little while Ed came back with the results. It turns out that Ed found that KC is most likely a bi-sexual. KC argued about his findings but Ed said that KC was lying about things like wanting to kiss Gary's lips and about being attracted to Howard. He wasn't attracted to Jackie though. KC was so defiant of the results that Howard decided to test him again because the first time was kind of disorganized and they didn't write down all of the questions correctly.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls about the test and one guy claimed that KC would always be the last one out of the shower when he was in high school. Gay Rich said that he'd like to have the good half of him if he's half gay. He said that KC is really his type too. Ralph called in and said that he was calling to ask KC if he wanted to go shopping with him. Howard ended up hanging up on him though.
KC was still insisting that he wasn't bi-sexual or gay even though Howard and Robin were telling him was from what they had just learned. Howard took some phone calls and let some more people goof on KC about the whole thing. Ed Torian told Howard that he thinks that KC likes men and women equally from what he could tell in the test.
Howard sent KC off to get tested again. He wanted to have it a little more organized this time. They went to break as that was going on.
KC's Gay Test - Part 2. 03/11/1999. 9:10am
After the break Howard had Ed Torian back in the studio to give the results of KC's lie detector test. Ed said he came up with the same conclusions that they did with the first. Howard ran through the questions and Ed gave him the results. He claimed that KC was lying about the gay stuff when he denied that he was gay. KC found all of this hard to believe and was still denying that he was gay. He said that Ed has gone way over the cliff with this one and it was all ridiculous.
Howard said that if he took the test himself, they'd find that he was straight. He said he'd do it today but Ed had to go. He took some phone calls and one guy said that maybe KC was just nervous. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and let Ed go. He spent a couple of minutes talking to KC about how he had just failed the test two times. KC said that they could say what they want but it really doesn't mean anything. Howard said he's convinced that he's gay. Gary said that he doesn't think that KC is gay but he may have some issues to deal with in his sexual life.
Howard moved on to the next guest and asked Gary for a little bit of information on him. Gary gave him a quick rundown of who he was and then brought him into the studio.
In the clip Howard had the guys bring in this homeless guy who claimed to be into Gary. The homeless guy said that he was a big fan of the show and a big fan of Gary's. He's homeless and lives out on the streets. He carries a sign asking for help. The guy said he moved up to New York from a warm climate.
Howard said this guy is very effeminate. The guy claims that he was a prostitute when he first moved up there. He claims that he doesn't drink or do drugs though. Gary said he likes smoke free and drug free.
The guy said that Gary is very nice to his fans and he's never seen him be ugly to anybody. Howard asked the guy, Jimmy, if he gets aroused when he sees Gary. Jimmy said he thinks about him every night. He said he's been staying in a church shelter lately.
Howard asked Jimmy if he'd like Gary to take him in and take care of him. Jimmy said he's sure Gary wouldn't be happy about that. He said he thinks Gary is so cute and he loves to go see him at his appearances. Howard said Jimmy was soaking Gary in.
Gary said girls didn't like him in school and now he's getting this adulation from a guy. He said that's kind of weird. Gary said Jimmy stares at his crotch too. Jimmy said he knows he does that. Howard told Gary he should try it because he looks like he could please him. Howard said he likes that Gary gets this kind of adulation.
Jimmy said he likes Robin's boyfriend too. Howard asked if he was talking about Penn from Penn and Teller. Jimmy said Penn was very mean to him. He said he told him to get out of his way when he walked by.
Howard said he doesn't get guy he'd be attracted to a man's smelly ass. He asked when he stated getting into guys. Jimmy said it was when he was 16. He said he wasn't molested as a child and he was the one doing the molesting. Howard told him not to admit to that. Jimmy said he just kissed kids, he didn't touch their stuff. Howard said he might have to lock Jimmy up in a minute. Jimmy said that would be fine.
Robin asked Jimmy if he dresses in drag. Jimmy said he's not comfortable doing that. Howard told Gary he should give it a shot and have sex with Jimmy. Gary said he wasn't into that and told Jimmy to come back at Christmas.
Howard tried wrapping up with Jimmy but Gary wasn't taking him out of the studio. Gary said he didn't know. Howard said he kept saying ''thank you'' to Jimmy and Gary just stood there. Howard told Gary to learn to control people.
Howard asked Jimmy if it bothers him when his boyfriend gets yelled at. Jimmy gave Howard a dirty look according to Robin. Howard said he said ''thank you Jimmy'' so many times and Gary didn't get a clue. They wrapped up a short time later.
In this clip Howard had Bob Waugh in the studio and said he was going to take him down to the Homo Room. Howard pretended to push him down the stairs into the room. Howard said he was going to have Robin come into the room even though she shouldn't be there. Howard said they might have to bring someone else into the room for Robin to talk to sometime.
Howard asked Bob what he wanted to do down there. He said they could play penis ping pong or take a frog and try to pick it up with their tush. They did the frog thing. Fred played the frog sound effects and when Bob picked it up with his ass it could still be heard. Then Howard tried it and put the frog so far in, he wasn't able to hear it.
Howard said Bob is getting into this now. In the past he was never really into it. Today he was having some fun. Howard told Bob to go to the typewriter and he would dictate a letter for him to type without using his fingers. Howard told Bob what to type and the sounds of the typewriter could be heard. Howard said he somehow hit the number keys. Howard also opened some beers and did some soldering with Bob. They played some Penis Ping Pong too.
Howard didn't think that Bob was participating enough. He said that he was going to leave the Homo Room because he was a bore. Bob wasn't saying much of anything. Bob said that the magazine with Heather Locklear on the cover was distracting him. Howard said he's going to bring the other DJs down there instead of Bob.
Xbox Giveaway, Gay Chicken And Other Stuff. 11/27/01. 9:10am
After that Howard had a couple of people play Gay Chicken, another new game that KC mentioned. KC played Gay Chicken with his drinking buddies one time. What they do is sit next to another guy, put their hands on each other's thighs and take turns moving their hands farther and farther up the thigh toward the genital area. Whoever chickens out first loses. Gary and KC played first. KC freaked out within 15 seconds. Howard then had KC play against Scott DePace from E!. Howard thinks that Scott might be gay so he had him come in to play for an Xbox. DePace and KC played the game for about 5 minutes. They slowly took turns moving their hands up each others thighs until KC finally freaked out and gave up.
In the clip Howard was coming back from break when Fred played a Bijou Theatre message and as Howard was coming back he did his impression of the guy who does the message. Howard got on his megaphone and had some fun making up some more movie descriptions that the guy could have said. Howard said that guy sounds scary. Robin said he does and you don't know what he might do. Jackie was laughing as Howard was doing his thing.
Howard said he misses that guy. He was no longer reading those messages at the theatre. Howard said they have some other guy there now. Howard got back to doing his impression of the guy and came up with some more gay movie descriptions. Jackie was cracking up at the stuff he was saying.
Howard said he went to see a gay film one time. He told Robin about the movie and what it was about. He said he had to boo the movie so people wouldn't think he was gay. Howard continued to do his Bijou Theatre thing for a few seconds before moving on.
In the clip Howard had this guy Daniel Holt on the phone to talk about what he used to do for Richard Simmons. Daniel claims that he used to get calls from Richard to come over and spank him. He said that he would greet the guys that he had over in pink pajamas and nighties. Howard said he has to be kidding. The guy swore to god that he was telling the truth.
Howard asked the guy if he had ever spanked women. He said he hadn't but he had slept with women. Daniel said he did porno films with both men and women.
Howard asked Daniel what he did when he went up to Richard's room. Daniel said Richard wasn't very famous at the time. This was around 1983 according to Daniel. He said he knew who Richard was but he didn't really like him. Howard said he'd think that it would be an honor. Daniel said he found him obnoxious before he met him.
Howard said he's not sure if he can believe this or not. He said Richard would probably kill them if they did.
Howard asked what Richard wore the day he went in there. Daniel said he watched a movie with Richard. He said Richard didn't even look at him until the movie was over. He was very into it. Howard asked if he got horny waiting. Daniel said it actually irritated him.
Howard asked what Richard did after the movie. Daniel said they just had their session after that. He said the first time was more romantic than just spanking. He said he remembers Richard trying to remove his tongue. He said he tried to suck his tongue and bite it off. He said he was very rough with him.
Daniel said that he's trying to expose the hypocrisy in all of this. Robin and Howard said he could be considered a hypocrite for talking about this stuff too. Daniel said that's true.
Howard asked what Richard would do when he got spanked. Daniel said that he would get slapped in the face and not even just get spanked all the time. Daniel said that he'd say ''Daddy's girl's been a bad girl'' and he'd pucker up and do that same thing. He'd do that until you got annoyed with him and slapped him. Daniel said that it was more like noise making.
Howard had Daniel say it again so they could hear what it was like. Daniel repeated ''Daddy's girl's been a bad girl'' and made Howard laugh. He said these sessions would last an hour and a half. He said many would go into overtime too.
Howard said he doesn't believe this. Daniel said there were many nights that they'd have more than one person there too. Howard said if Richard ever comes in he's going to spank him. He said he's going to give him a good spanking. They spent a couple more minutes on that before wrapping up and going to break.
What's My Secret With Buck Angel. 02/08/06. 8:35am
After the break Howard said they were going to play ''What's My Secret'' with a guy. He said that Gary told him to trust him on this because the guy's secret was pretty good. Howard had the guy come in a short time later. He described the guy and said that he's dressed like a biker dude, he's about 5'8'' tall and has a moustache with a bald head. He said he looks like a bald Danny Bonaduce but the guy didn't think that was the case.
Howard started off asking the guy if he's gay. The guy said ''no.'' Robin said she figured it out and said she knew exactly what's going on. She said that this is a guy who was a woman. She was right, the guy had a sex change from a woman to a man. Howard said he wouldn't have guessed that in a million years. He has arms bigger than any guy at his gym.
Gary said the guy's name is Buck Angel (BuckAngel.com) and they have to talk about what's going on in his pants. He still has a vagina but he's legally a man. He said that he had a legal sex change but still has a vagina. Howard wondered how that happens. Buck said that he has a driver's license says that he's a man. He had chest surgery to remove his breasts and that was considered having a sex change. He looks like a dude according to Howard. The moustache took about 10 years to grow though.
Robin asked if there is something else they should know. Buck said that she's actually a porn star. Howard got a picture of him when he was still a woman and he said that she was hot. Buck said that he was a professional model. Robin said she had an Annie Lennox look when she was a woman.
Robin told Howard that this is the person who was kind of involved with one of the Wachowski brothers, the directors of The Matrix. One of the brothers may have gone thorough a 'sex reassignment' procedure and Buck got tied up in all of that somehow. Howard explained it but it's all very confusing with the sex changes, wives and wacky stories.
Benjy asked Buck if they could see him with his pants off. Artie didn't want to look but Howard told him it was okay to look because it was a chick. Howard saw it and sounded as if he were in pain when he saw it. It was a big man vagina according to Buck and it grew big because of the testosterone that he took. Howard told him he was a hot chick and he doesn't know what he did to himself.
Buck said that he is a porn star and he gets fucked on film. Fred asked him if he still gets periods. He doesn't get periods anymore because of the testosterone he took. Howard told Buck that he is a gay woman and it doesn't matter how much of a moustache he has, he's got a vagina and he's a woman. Buck said that he did think about getting a penis but the surgery would suck and it wouldn't be a real penis.
Howard asked Buck if he wanted to get on the Sybian female masturbation machine. Artie wasn't sure what to do, cheer or sigh. He told Howard that he's going to weigh about 140 pounds by next month because he's not going to eat anymore after this. Howard wasn't sure he wanted to see that but the TV guys might want it for the TV show. Howard invited Buck to hop on so that's just what he did. He was more than willing to take a ride on the thing.
Howard told Buck that the toy that was installed on the machine was brand new and clean. Howard demanded that Gary come in and watch this if everyone else has to watch. Gary is also the person who controls the speed of the machine. There was a lot of guys going ''Oh!'' and sighing when they saw Buck get on the machine. Howard had Gary start it up and Buck was liking it right from the start. Gary had it on about 20% power so Howard told him to turn it up. Buck was handling it just fine.
Gary notched it up until Buck told him to just turn it up all the way. It sounded like a lawn mower going. Buck then said that he squirted a little bit. Everyone was going 'Ohhhhh!' when they heard that. Gary said that was probably one of the gayest things they've done on the show. Will said something really smelled bad and he was gagging when he caught a whiff of it. Gary wondered where Sal and Richard were. They were no where to be found.
Gary said he had no idea that Buck was going to ride the Sybian today. Buck said he didn't know it either. Howard said that he never wants to see the Sybian again after seeing this. Mike Gange said that the toy on the Sybian was wet and it was kind of gross. Will said there was a puddle at the bottom of it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Buck sits or stands when he pees. Buck said he chooses to sit but he can stand. Another guy said that this was incredible and his stomach jumped sideways on that one. Sal came in and asked if Buck would piss in a bucket for them. Howard told him to get out of there with that. Another guy said that this was what satellite radio is all about. Howard told Buck it was hard to watch. He said he had enough of this stuff and wrapped up a little while later. Gary said Howard looked kind of shaken up. Howard told him that it did take a lot out of him. Howard gave Buck a couple of plugs, let him go and then tried to recover.
Howard said that he has to get a hot chick on the Sybian to erase that memory from his mind. He said he wanted to hang himself after that. Tomorrow they have some Penthouse girls coming in so that should help erase it from his mind.
Howard was told that Richard Christy would be willing to pull the fake penis off of the Sybian if they gave him $10,000. Richard came in and told them that he wouldn't have sex with Buck though. Howard and the guys said that whole thing was crazy. Doug Goodstein is the one who came up with the idea to put him on that thing but he told Howard he had second thoughts as soon as he heard him make the offer. He said he had to turn off his monitor on the close ups because he was dry heaving as he watched. Howard went to break after that.
During the break Howard mentioned that they have a picture up on HowardStern.com where Will looks like he's about to puke as he's watching Buck Angel.
Russ Comes In To Rub KC's Feet. 10/1/99. 6:55am
This guy Russ contacted the show recently and said he wanted to rub KC's feet. Russ has a foot fetish and thought KC would be a fun rub. Russ came in this morning and was ready to worship KC's feet. He told Howard that KC is his type. KC wasn't so thrilled to go ahead with this though. He told Russ that he's a sick man and he didn't really want to do this. Howard spent a few minutes with Russ finding out about his strange fetish. Russ said that he can actually orgasm just by looking at pictures of feet. He said that he even got one off just looking at a picture of Howard's feet. Russ wanted to take it slow and enjoy KC's feet but KC really resisted. He kept saying that he didn't want to do it over and over again. Howard tried to talk him into it but it wasn't working. Eventually Howard had to let Russ rub his feet first before KC would let it happen. After 15 minutes of arguing he finally let Russ have his foot for 30 seconds. KC finally settled in and just let it happen. He seemed to be enjoying it because his voice settled down in to a mellow tone instead of his usual yelling. After Russ was done he started smelling his hands. Enough said.
'To Tell The Poof' (formerly known as 'Name That Fag'). 8/30/96.
Whatever the hell they're calling this game... Howard played this game the other day and he had so much fun that they're playing it again. 3 guys came in, although Stuttering John wanted to bring in 4, some wearing cut off t-shirts. One guy was black, the other two were white. Howard said that all 3 looked effeminate. All three were going by the name of Bob. Howard asked a couple of gay questions and turned the questioning over to Fred. Fred asked one question and Howard took over once again. Some of the questions had these guys stumped. Some of the questions were so bad that they got censored. Maybe it was the answers to the questions that actually got censored but the show was a bit choppy because of it. Once the questioning was done they went to a commercial just to keep everyone in suspense... After the commercial everyone was ready to give their guess. Tom Chiusano came in to give his guess. He said that number 2 was the gay guy. Next up was Howard coming in with number 1, Jackie said number 3, Robin said number 1 and Fred said number 3. And the poof is... number 1! Congratulations to Howard and Robin for choosing the correct poof. This should make another great E! show.
Gay Porn And Siobhan The Transsexual. 06/29/06. 7:05am
Howard changed subjects and played some audio from a gay porn movie. In the clip a guy is gagging on another guy and retching as he's doing it. Howard said it sounds painful and some guys are really out there. Richard came in and said that there's one gay guy they like to pull clips of and they called him trying to get him on the show but he's kind of afraid to come on. Howard isn't sure he wants to have the guy on because he's kind of afraid of him after hearing the audio from his movies.
Poll Results Are In - Mike To Get Siobhan On Face. 06/28/06. 9:45am
Howard moved on to the results of the poll they had up on his web site yesterday. He asked all of the guys to come in so he could reveal the results to the guys. Will, Sal, Richard, Richie and High Pitch Mike were all in yesterday talking about what they'd be willing to do to win a 50 inch TV. Richie wasn't around this morning though. Howard read the notes about what each guy was willing to do...
Howard said he was prepared to give everyone the results. He held everyone in suspense and read through the things the guys were willing to do. He told Sal that he won't be doing his stunt, the audience doesn't want to see him. Howard congratulated Richard because his parents wouldn't have to suffer the humiliation of watching him get shit on because he didn't win either.
Howard said that Richie didn't get picked either. The two highest votes were for Mike and for Will. Siobhan let out a giggle when she heard that. Howard talked about the mess that Mike would have to put up with if he won. The In Demand guys showed some video of Siobhan's nasty fake vagina to show what he'd have to have on his face. Mike is still ready for it. Howard told him he hasn't won yet. He had Will there who was ready to take some whacks from someone's cock on his face.
Howard asked Will if he loves TV. Will said he loves football. He said that he didn't have to suffer from the cock in the face because Mike won with the Siobhan sitting on his face. Mike said he felt like this was the worst day of his life. Howard told him that this is going to stick with him and he'll always be reminded of what he did to win that TV.
Siobhan was still on the phone and talked about the open wound she has on her that's supposed to be a vagina. She said that she has to insert a stint into it to keep it open. She said that the doctors told her that after about 10 years it will become vaginal tissue.
Howard asked Siobhan to describe the smell of her fake vagina at it's smelliest. She said it smells like cheese after a while. Howard also asked her about the hemorrhoid that sticks out of her ass. She said it's not just one, it's many. She said that her asshole looks like a pussy because they're so big. Howard said they had a picture of that up in the studio. All of the guys let out an ''OH!'' when they saw that on the screen.
Mike said that he really likes reality shows so that's what he'll be watching on this new TV. Mike won the poll with just 27 percent of the votes. Richard came in with 26 percent. Mike asked if he could put just one piece of duct tape to cover his lips. Howard thought that was fair but the guys wanted him to add some time. Mike eventually agreed to do it for a minute and 10 seconds instead of 50 seconds. Mike said he didn't want to taste any of that fake vagina. Siobhan asked ''He doesn't want to taste any of my delicious poon juice?'' which made everyone audibly cringe.
Mike said he went to a Michael Jackson concert 5 years ago and the morning after was 9/11 so it was the weirdest 24 hours of his life. He said the next 24 hours are going to be just like that because he's going to see Madonna tonight and tomorrow he's going to have Siobhan sitting on his face. Robin told him to take Siobhan to the Madonna concert. Mike said he'd do that if they got him some VIP tickets.
Howard asked Gary how he got invited to the Madonna concert. Gary said he got a note from her agent Liz Rosenberg who is a fan of Howard's. He figures that she had to ask Madonna if that was okay though so Madonna must be okay with it.
Howard told Siobhan to get ready for the event so she said she's not going to shower after she exercises. Mike was wondering if he was even going to be able to do it. Howard said if he doesn't show up, they're going to have to let Richard do his stunt instead. Gary asked Howard what happens if Mike bails out after 30 seconds. Howard said he's out and they'll have Richard do it.
Sal said he's kind of glad he didn't get the win because his wife would go nuts if he got shit on. Benjy interrupted and said that he objects because Mike wants to tape his lips up and that's a change in the plan. Howard said he's going to get the smell down there so that's bad enough. Gary agreed with Benjy and said that it's really not fair to change it after taking the win. Mike sounded like he was going to back out at that point and hand it over to Will.
Sal told Mike to just kill himself afterward if he was so worried about it. Shuli came in and said that Mike was just about fired from the News department so he might as well go through with it now. Robin told Mike that he put this stuff on the table and he should have brought this up yesterday. Mike said he didn't know she was going to sit on his face hard like she was claiming on the phone this morning.
Gary told Howard that the In Demand guys had some footage from Siobhan's apartment. They showed that and it was Siobhan wiping her ''vagina'' and coming up with a green colored tissue. Howard said just getting that thing near his nose was bad enough in his opinion. Robin said that the voting was for what they put on the table yesterday and that's what they should stick to. Will said he didn't want to fight too hard for this because he didn't really want to get slapped in the face with a penis.
Richard told Mike not to swallow during the stunt and he should be fine. Sal told him that if he leaves the duct tape off, he's back to 50 seconds, not a minute 10. Howard said that either way it's going to be rough.
Siobhan Sits On High Pitch Mike's Face. 06/29/06. 7:55am
High Pitch Mike came in a short time later and he had petroleum jelly on his face. Howard said he looked like a mess. Mike told Howard that they have to get this event over with because the more time he spends with KC, the less chance there is that he's going to go through with it. KC told him that he can get STDs from doing this. Mike said that Siobhan hasn't had sex so he's not worried about that.
Artie asked Mike what his favorite show on TV is. Mike said that he likes ''Run's House'' on MTV. Artie said that's the show that he's going to be watching on his 50 inch TV after having a transsexual sit on his face. Howard described what Siobhan did to her penis when she had it turned into a vagina. Mike said he's been seeing pictures of what a sexual reassignment looks like on SFN too.
Mike said that if Siobhan is going to sit on his face, he doesn't want him moving around. The Howard TV guys stuck some images of Siobhan up on the TV screens in the studio and had the guys cringing while they looked at them. KC sounded disgusted by them.
Howard had Siobhan come in a short time later and said that Mike looked like he was going to pass out. Howard said that Siobhan is bald so she wears a scarf on her head. She also has green teeth from a Popsicle that she ate on the way over to the studio.
Siobhan thought that KC was Mike when she came in. Howard had to tell her that it was the other guy who was Mike. She noticed the petroleum jelly on his face and she didn't seem to have a problem with it. Siobhan said she doesn't think that she'll be making contact with Mike's face when she sits on him. Mike said that he doesn't want her sitting on his nose because he's going to have a piece of tape on his mouth to keep that clean.
Howard told Mike that he wants to hear him sing some Neil Young but Mike said he doesn't know that kind of music so he wouldn't know where to come in. Howard told Mike that he would rather be shit on than have Siobhan sit on his face. KC said that the green tongue that Siobhan had was really bothering him.
Howard asked the guys if they were ready to see this. Mike said that his family doesn't have SIRIUS so they don't know what's going to be going on. Siobhan said that her fake pussy smells like a certain brand of stinky cheese. Howard was talking about how hideous Siobhan was and asked her to take off her panties to gross Mike out. He told Mike to sniff her panties. He didn't do it. Siobhan sniffed them herself and said they were actually pretty perfumy.
Gary said that he was going to give the ''go'' signal to Siobhan when they ere ready to have her sit on Mike's face. Howard asked Mike if he was ready to go through with this for a TV. Howard had Siobhan take off her skirt so her ass and fake vagina were exposed. Howard laughed his ass off when he saw what was going on. Shuli came in and said that he could smell her from where he was standing and it looked like there were two balls shoved inside of her. Robin said it was all crazy because everything was in the wrong place.
Howard told Mike to get down on the floor and do it. Mike said ''let's get it over with...'' Howard said that Mike has to endure this for a minute and 10 seconds since that was the deal they made yesterday. KC said ''look at that dude's ass'' when he was talking about Siobhan's naked ass. Mike prepared himself and got the tape ready for his mouth. Siobhan said that this just shows how great Panasonic TVs are because this guy is willing to go through this ordeal to win the TV.
Mike said that he didn't know he was going to have to go through this stuff and he won't be able to look anyone in the eye once he's done. A caller told Howard that there was still time to put a stop to this. Robin asked Mike how the Madonna concert was last night. He said she played a bunch of her old stuff and it was a very good concert. Howard asked Mike if he was going to back out or go through with it. Mike said he was still ready to go through with it, he's a man of his word. Howard told him his life was going to change and he would have that smell stuck in his nose for years.
Mike wanted to make sure he had a minute 10 and not a second longer. He then got down and the clock was prepared to go. Mike was trying not to look up while Siobhan got ready to go. There was some confusion about when to start but they eventually had Siobhan on Mike's face. People were letting out sighs and couldn't believe what they were seeing. Mike was trying to hold his breath but he did give the thumbs up to Gary to let him know that he was going through with it. Artie couldn't even look at what was going on. Mike endured the full minute and 10 seconds and then ran out to clean up his face. Fred played a car peeling out sound effect as Mike ran out.
Howard said that Siobhan kept her ''mangina'' on Mike's face the whole time. She said she could smell her own smell as she sat there so Mike had to have smelled it. Robin asked Howard if he was going to tell Mike that there was no Panasonic TV.
Howard had a mic on Mike so he asked him if he was okay. Mike said he thinks he's okay. He asked him how the smell was. Mike said it was like dead bodies and he couldn't even describe what it was actually like. Howard asked Mike what he was doing out there. Mike said he was wiping down with betadyne wipes and he looked blacker than Robin does. Howard told Mike he had won the TV and he hopes he enjoys it. He said he hopes he can put all of this behind him. They got a camera on him but his mic was breaking up. Howard spent a short time talking about that and told Mike that he was hurting Siobhan's feelings by wiping down his face like that. Siobhan said that wasn't offending her.
Howard said Mike looked horrible and he should stop wiping down with those wipes. Shuli said that Mike was out there changing his clothes and saying that he was going to burn them after the show. Mike came back in and got to see what he was actually doing when the Howard TV guys put the video up on the screens in the studio. Howard said it looked like an alien monster on Mike's face.
Howard took a couple of calls and let some guys go off on him. They were making comments about him being gay and goofing on him about what he had just done. Howard gave Panasonic a plug since they supplied the TV. He said you can check them out at PanasonicConcierge.com.
Mike asked Siobhan why she couldn't have just been a gay guy instead of having a sex change operation. Siobhan said that she was always a woman inside so she wanted to be a woman outside. Howard told Siobhan that they have a couple more guys who are willing to have sex with her now so they'll be able to take her virginity eventually.
Mike said he's afraid that he's going to break down after doing this like KC did back at K-Rock. KC told him that there are plenty of meds out there that can help him out. Mike was goofing on Robin about what she was saying about Howard yesterday and made a comment about her being fat. She shot back with a comment about his lazy eye and then he came back with a comment about how she can't change the color of her skin. Howard said Mike may have made that comment because he was still under the influence of Siobhan's mangina.
Mike said that the smell of Siobhan's vagina is worse than the smell of the World Trade Center 2 days after it collapsed. He said he was down there and knows the smell. KC was laughing like a little kid as they were talking about the smell and how gross Siobhan's fake vagina is. Siobhan told Mike that her hemorrhoids were dangling on his duct tape before.
The guys were still kind of shocked that Mike had made that racist comment earlier. Howard asked Siobhan why she doesn't shave down her bush. She said she doesn't like when she has ingrown hairs so she doesn't do it. She said she may have a waxing done when she can afford it.
Howard asked KC about the weird stuff he does taking stuff apart out in California. KC said he tries to make things better but he's also paranoid and has to make sure there's nothing weird in there. He said he thinks there are cameras in places where they shouldn't be and things like that. KC said he doesn't want anyone to watch him and that's why he takes that stuff apart. He thinks that the government could be watching him or something like that. He doesn't think they have a reason to watch him but he wants to make sure they're not.
KC got in a few plugs for his things. He mentioned his DVD and the Beverly Hills Angels thing. He said that you can get his DVD at DieLaughingDVD.com and also mentioned BeverlyHillsChoppers.com. Howard wrapped up with him and then thanked Siobhan for coming in to do her thing. She got in a plug for CityCritters.com. Mike jokingly said that he wanted to plug ''AboutToSlitMyWrists.com'' because he was so freaked out by what he had just done.
Gary asked Siobhan about her financial situation right now and found out she's in really bad shape. She claims she can't get a job and her brother is in a bad way as well and he's the one who loaned her the money for her operation. Howard wanted to give her something as a prize for coming in. Gary said they could give her 3 orders of Carson's Ribs or a copy of Riley Martin's book ''The Coming of Tan.'' She said she can't really take the ribs because she doesn't have a stove or a refrigerator. She said she would rather have 10% of the revenue from a special they put together of this whole thing.
KC mentioned that he got his rehab guy fired when he brought him on the show the last time he was on. He said the guy was really nice and he wanted to get an autograph for him from Howard. Howard said he'd do that and went to commercial break a short time later.
Today's Gayest Week Ever was over around 10:50am.
In this clip Robin was reading a story in the news about some priests who molested an alter boy. Howard said that they should get Ralph in there to talk about that. He said Ralph told a story about being molested. Ralph wasn't there so Howard said they should wait for him to come back.
Howard said most of the priests seem to be gay and they have a catholic background so they become priests hoping that the gay thing is taken away by God.
Robin read the story about the guy who was molested back in the 70s by a bunch of priests. Robin said the cardinal there had to release 4 priests for molestation and it was the most he'd ever had to release at once. Robin said all of the priests cracked and admitted to doing what they were accused of. The guy who came forward was 11 at the time.
Gary came in and said that Ralph was on the phone. He said that Ralph was also an alter boy. Howard got Ralph on the line and Ralph said he wasn't an alter boy. He said he was on a fishing trip with a priest when this thing happened. He said it was a priest who did counseling too so that was really scary. Ralph said his mom had dropped him off the night before to go on this trip. He said it was him and one other guy and the priest.
Robin asked how old Ralph was. He said he was 11 or 12 or so. He wasn't really sure. Ralph said he was dropped off to have this sleep over. Within 15 minutes of being there he said the guy and the other kid were looking at porn. He said they were hard core magazines too. He said this was a priest. He said he had vibrators and stuff in his drawer too. Howard said it's no wonder Ralph is a homo. He apologized for everything they've said about him.
Ralph said he didn't get into anything with the priest. He said he brought out all of these toys and he got really uncomfortable. He said he wasn't even into that kind of stuff at that age. Ralph said it was bed time and the guy had a bed like something out of a movie. It was a huge bed with four posts on it. He said the priest told him he could sleep in the bed or on the floor. He said he took the floor because he was getting a vibe he didn't like.
Ralph said he was on the other side of the room and tying to go to sleep. Then he heard some moaning. He said the bed was squeaking. Billy West started doing an impression of the moaning while Fred played the squeaking bed sound. Billy also did his Jackie Puppet voice and apologized to Ralph for what he's said about him.
Ralph said he never did anything with that priest again. Robin asked how he knew to do that with Ralph and not some blabber mouth. Howard said he must have had a vibe. The guys figured there was more to that story than Ralph was letting on.
Howard let Ralph go but spent a few more minutes talking about how that story was lacking some details. Ralph had forgotten some of what went on. They figured they'd have to find out when Ralph is in the studio live. Howard and Billy were doing impressions of Ralph and goofing on him about what he had said.
Ralph called back in so Howard and Robin asked him about the missing time in his story. Ralph said he thinks they may have eaten or something in that missing time. He wasn't sure.
Gary asked what happened when they went fishing. Ralph said they went out on a boat and all of the sex stuff stopped because it wasn't night time. Howard said the story had a lot of holes to be punched in it. Robin asked why he didn't tell his mom. Ralph said his mom had her own problems at the time. He said he just told her he wasn't into going again when it would come up.
In this clip Howard was talking about how the Backside Boys were thinking about going out on tour. He talked about all of the gay stuff they could do in the show. He said they could have hats that look like penises or something. Fred played some of their song parodies as Howard was talking about what he'd like to do at these shows. Howard said he was envisioning the whole thing as the songs were playing. He said he could have Fred eat a banana from his butt. He said they could have some of the young boys from the audience come up so they could sing to them.
Howard said they'll only do two songs but they'll have the budget of a whole concert. He threw out more ideas for what they could do that would come across as being really gay. He said they could get Elizabeth Taylor to introduce them. He said they could get Andy Dick to dress up like a mermaid and swim across the stage. He said it's time to hit the road. He said they could do a 16 city tour. Howard said they could be like the Blue Man Group.
Howard said he's ready to perform. He talked about having dancing K-Y tubes on stage. He said he just wants to do two songs though. He said he'd like to do that and get the hell out of there. He was talking about wearing white suits but Robin wanted them to show some skin.
Howard 100 News, Wrap Up Show Previews And Gay Stuff With Sal And Richard. 05/08/07. 9:40am
Steve Langford came in and said they have a story about how 100 years ago a guy by the name of Salvatore Governale killed a man and was electrocuted 2 years later. He also said they have a story about High Pitch Eric getting evicted from his apartment. They'll have more on that and more about Artie's party down in Miami because there was apparently a reporter there.
Jon Hein came in and ran down the stories they'd be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. They'll be talking about Nicole Sheridan's call, Mandy screwing them over with the game today and much, much more. That led to the guys talking about what Sal and Richard did in the studio earlier and speculating about which of those two guys have done gay things in their lives. Howard was pretty sure that Richard had done gay stuff in his life. He wasn't sure about Sal.
Howard said he thinks it's hysterical that Sal and Richard do that stuff but he wonders about if they're really gay. Richard said he wouldn't get any pleasure out of jerking Sal off like Howard was suggesting. Howard said if they gave him a thousand bucks he'd probably do it. Richard said that he would never blow Sal for any amount of money. He might jerk him off for a certain amount. Fred asked Richard if he'd let Sal put a dildo in his ass for $100,000. He said he would do that, but not for any less than that.
Howard told Sal to stick a pinkie up Richard's ass but Sal didn't want to do that. The guys were throwing ideas out to both of them trying to find out what kind of gay shit they'd do for what amount of money. Howard said that Richard would kiss Sal's penis for a thousand bucks. Richard swears he wouldn't but then said he would lick Sal's nuts for $5,000. He said that nuts are different than a cock. Artie was going to pull out his check book and write the check right then. Richard said guys do stuff with their nuts all the time so it's not a big deal.
Richie Wilson from Howard TV suggested they have them stand next to each other naked and see who gets hard first. Artie said he was writing a check right then and he wanted to see Richard lick his nuts for 10 seconds. Artie actually wrote the check out to Richard and got the spelling of his name right. Sal said he wasn't going to let it happen but Howard told him to go through with it.
Howard told Sal to just let him do it. Sal said he wasn't getting anything out of this. He wanted some money too. Howard told him he could have the money if he did the licking but Sal wasn't going there. Artie showed Richard the check and he had written ''gay stuff'' in the memo line. Sal asked for something but all he was going to get was $500. Jon Hein said he'd throw a thousand bucks into this and Sal finally agreed to do it. Richard was going to have to lick his balls for 10 full seconds. Gary said he'd give Sal another 5 grand if he stuck the head of his dick in there for a second. Sal said he'd rather stick his head in a wood chipper.
Tim Sabean said that the people in the building are riveted. Sal was about to back out and said that he didn't want to be called the gay one. Sal said he was getting a text message from a friend of his who is his son's god father. He was demanding that he call him ASAP. Howard told him to just get to it and do it already.
Howard said you know that penis is going to end up in Richard's mouth. Richard said he didn't agree to that though. Howard said Richard had to get on the floor and Sal had to do it tea bag style. The guys got down on the floor and they started but they hadn't set the clock. Richard said he was going to puke down there. They set the clock and started the 10 second licking thing. Sal said he couldn't believe he was doing it. Richard spit and started making puking sounds. They replayed it on the monitors in the studio so the two gay guys could see what they just did. Sal said that he just lost any dignity he had left in him. He said he feels that his kids are going to see this on video some day when they're in school.
Richard said he picked a spot on his balls that wasn't too hairy. Artie couldn't believe that he now knows a guy who licked another guy's balls. Robin said that after that it looks like Sal has a gay hairdo. Artie was asking Richard if he wanted to do another stunt for another five grand to take Sal's cock in his mouth. Richard said he just can't do that. Artie said it already looked like he was blowing him so why not just do it. Sal wasn't even able to watch the video of it on the monitor.
Richard said that people have already called them every name in the world so they can't call them worse. Will said that they've set the bar so high that they can only fuck each other to get more gay. Howard said he thinks Sal is so freaked out because he's questioning his sexuality. Sal said he's really not, he's just having an out of body experience right now. He said his father has never called him a fag before, but after this he will.
Sal said that his balls were all sticky from that licking thing. Richard said it was the pudding that was on them earlier. Ralph called in and said that he turned on the radio and heard Artie writing out the check for Richard right after he woke up. He said his favorite part was when Richard was gagging and overacting like he didn't like it. He said that was like Artie's fake cough when he calls in sick. Artie said that from now on when he calls in sick, he's going to lick a guy's balls before he does it.
Artie said that he doesn't think that he could ever do that for any amount of money. Howard noticed that Sal's sack is like completely black. Will asked Sal if it felt good. Sal said he didn't feel a thing and really doesn't know what it felt like. Ralph said that he should have dropped his cock on him while he was doing it. Sal said that's not him, that's Ralph and Sam Simon but Ralph said that Sal is the gay one now, not him. Howard was going to go to break but he got a call from Lee over at In Demand who was editing this show. He said it's the gayest thing they've ever done and they're all going to have to change their business cards to gay TV producers.
Artie Comes Out Of The Closet To George Takei!? 12/05/07. 6:10am
Howard said he wasn't sure how to tell George this. He said they were in a meeting about 2 weeks ago and they were coming up with ideas for the show. They get all excited for George when he comes in. Someone came up with an idea he thought was good at the time. Then he forgot about it. He said that Artie took George into a room yesterday and came out of the closet to him, as a goof. Artie apologized right then to George for doing that to him. George didn't know that they had taped it and said ''Oh my god!'' a few times when he heard that.
Howard said that George had revealed something during that discussion that was very personal and they had to cut that out. George asked if there's any end to this stuff. Howard said there really is no end. Howard said Gary called him yesterday and told him about this and said that George didn't laugh or anything. He took it very seriously.
Howard said he forgot about this idea and Artie just went off and did it. He said that Artie was almost in tears because George was so loving and nice about it. George said that he was going to be there for him and he'd hold his hand through it.
Howard said that he wouldn't play this without George's approval. George said that there were a couple of things in there that he didn't want out there but Artie told him they did cut a little bit out. George also went on to say that there are a lot of gay guys out there who are like Artie and act all manly even though they're gay.
Artie said that this was the hardest acting assignment he's ever had. Robin asked him if he was really gay but Artie said no way to that. He said he's going to submit this for his Emmy.
Howard said he never thinks about how George would take this and he feels bad for goofing on him like this. George said that he really thought Artie was gay too.
Artie said that he was doing this as a goof and he almost started to cry when he thought about how George had to do this for real. He felt dirty doing it because George was telling him these really personal things after he broke the news. He asked George to stop so he didn't have to hear them. George said that they hugged after the conversation and he as going to kiss Artie but he decided against it.
George said that he didn't even tell Brad about this because he promised Artie that he wouldn't do that. Artie said that he used some stuff in his life to go back and create new stories for this whole thing. Gary told Howard that they should stop talking about it and just play the tape.
Howard said that they were going to play the tape but they'll stop it if George gets uncomfortable with any of it. Artie said that he was really despondent over the whole thing.
Howard said that they even have video of this whole thing going down. George had no idea. They showed the hug between the two of them and George was being very sincere. Howard said he thinks that Artie may be gay. Artie said they shouldn't even fuck around with that. He's not gay.
Howard said he was going to play the audio but Artie told George that he should be suspicious when someone comes out to him in Sal and Richard's studio. George then realized that this was all orchestrated and organized just so they could fool him.
Howard played the audio of the conversation and said that there were about 3 minutes taken out because it was too personal. In the clip we heard Artie telling George that this was very awkward for him and said that him coming on the show was a godsend. He tells George that he's very nice and they're good friends and he has a unique problem. He said that years ago he was on the road doing stand-up and rooming with a guy who was a homosexual. Artie said that it was hard to say out loud because it would have such an impact on his world.
Howard interrupted and asked George what he was thinking at this point. George said he didn't know that it was going where it went. He just knew it was something that was torturing him deep inside.
Howard got back to the audio and Artie is telling George about this guy coming on to him and how the guy tried to kiss him. He said there were some confusing thought in his head. Then Artie pauses and tells George that he kissed the guy. The other guy couldn't believe it. Artie tells George that they let it all go after that.
Howard said that Artie was stuffing food into his mouth while they were listening to this. George said that he's heard stories like this quite a few times.
In the conversation we hear George telling Artie he's happy he's coming out to him. Artie went on to say that he had full gay sex with the guy and they gave each other oral and then he fucked the other guy in the ass.
Howard interrupted again and George said that this was all improvisation and it was pretty amazing. Howard said that Artie called him yesterday and explained where he came up with the story and how he really didn't have gay sex. Fred said he's thinking that Artie really wasn't making this up and he's really gay. Artie told him to watch it, that wasn't true at all.
In the clip we hear Artie telling George about how he cried in the other guy's arms and how he wouldn't usually do that. He then tells George that he feels like a hypocrite for doing what he does on the show. George tells him that this is a common thing with straight guys. He said that the human animal is pansexual and they have the wrings in them to do things like that.
George goes on to tell Artie that there are homosexual acts in the animal kingdom as well so everything does it. He said that Artie isn't that unique, we all share that. Howard said that he would have started laughing at that point. George told him that Artie was acting and he was keeping it under control.
George and Artie kept talking about this and Artie said that he's been trying to keep this hidden and he's tried to make things work with women and it just doesn't work. He said that he wants to come out and just tell everyone what he's doing. He said that he could have the courage to help other men who are like him. George asked him to sit at that point but Artie didn't want to sit. Artie sits but then gets right up. George thought he didn't fit in the seat but Artie thought he was going to be out of camera range.
Howard said that they should screen this video in Union, New Jersey, where Artie is from. Artie said they can do that if they want to get shot.
In the audio clip George is telling Artie that it's tough for him too because he's a Japanese American who had to grow up during World War II. He said that he tried to survive in the straight environment but he was living a dual life. He said all of the gay bars were in the seediest part of town. Artie then tells him that he masturbates to all male porno.
George said that he pictured Artie masturbating to gay porn at that point. He said he then understood why he lived alone in that 2 bedroom apartment with a big screen TV.
Howard got back to the clip and Artie is telling George about how he has some money saved up and he'd like to come out on the show and do it on a day that George is there. He said he's given it a lot of thought and he knows that he has friends who will never speak to him again. He said he doesn't care now, he's 40 years old and he feels he has to come out now.
Howard said that Artie should have told George that he was in love with him and he wanted him to leave Brad. He said there was only a minute left of this tape so he got back to that.
Artie tells George that he's going to come out on the show and he feels really bad about calling Sal and Richard gay on the show. Then he says that this guy he made ''sweet love'' to really wants him to come out too. Artie said that he'd appreciate it if he didn't share this with anyone. George said that he wouldn't do that to him. He then talks to Artie about how he's going to survive and he's going to revive his career. He also said that he was a survivor.
Howard said he didn't know about that survivor part. He played the last few seconds where Artie tells George that he loves him and gives him a hug. The two of them talk about how great they both are. George said that Artie has some strength to him and pointed out that he didn't even play for money when they did that weight loss thing.
George said that he can't believe that Artie is that good of an actor and some of that stuff had to have come from somewhere. Artie said that he's not gay. George went in for a kiss at that point but Artie held him back. He said that he could kiss him on the cheek.
Howard said that Artie could have come out on the air and they could have done it that way. George said that it was probably best to do it this way. Artie said that if he tells anyone anything personal, it'll be George. He said if he murdered someone, he'd tell George.
George said that he really thought that this was something real and it was coming from somewhere. Robin said that George was talking to her about taking Artie to some Broadway plays. George said he was thinking about coming out here and taking Artie out instead of Brad. He said he was going to leave Brad behind next time.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that this was an Oscar winning performance. He wondered what Sal and Richard were going to do with the clips from that conversation. Another caller said that this was one of the most fucked up things they've ever done. He said that it was kind of trivializing what a real gay man has to go through. He also thinks that Artie is really gay.
Howard said that he has this message from Artie talking about how bad he felt about this whole thing and how nice George was about it. He said he should play it.
George said that he really didn't have a problem believing that he was really gay. He thought about him in that apartment all alone watching gay porn and it all made sense. Howard took another call from a guy who said he knew that Artie was gay from that stand-up act he does.
Howard said that was it, we all learned that Artie was gay. Fred played Artie singing that Anne Murray song that he sang on the show one time. Artie was even singing along with the song as it was playing. He changed some words to include George in it. Then Fred played the ''Taking it in the Backdoor Mountain'' bit where they put clips of Artie talking to the gay guys he went out and got a make over with.
George said that Artie could have come out and had a lot of things to say for equality. Artie said he's all for equality. He said he can still do stuff for that. George said that he's going to recruit Artie for that. Howard thanked George for being so sensitive. He said it shows what kind of man George is and Robin said it also shows what kind of man Artie is.
Benjy came up with the idea so Howard asked him if that's the way he wanted it to go. Benjy said that it went great and they've actually been waiting about a year to do it. The guys asked George if he would have fallen for Artie if he had made some sexual advances toward him. George said he would have helped Artie but he didn't want to get into trouble with Brad who was listening to the show this morning. He wasn't going to say if he would have given Artie a hand job if he had asked for it. Artie took that as a yes. George laughed and said he wasn't saying that on the air. He didn't want to get into trouble. Howard wondered what George really would have done.
Howard took another call and a guy said that this explains why Artie took a load on his chest. Howard said he doesn't have a very articulate audience. Another guy called in and said that he has to come hang out with him. He said he'd put some grease on Artie's ass and slap him around. They went to break a short time later.
Eddie Money Visits. 10/06/1988. 7:40am
After the break Howard set everyone up with their parts for this Eddie Money Meets Liberace bit. All of the guys had their parts but Robin wasn't involved at all. She said that Eddie appeared to be very nervous about this whole thing. Fred played the part of Liberace. He met up with Eddie and asked him if he had a night stick and when Eddie said he didn't have one, Liberace unzipped and pulled one out of himself.
Eddie tried to play along but he was laughing the whole time. Liberace told his story and described where they were at and where they were going. There were some gay jokes, drug jokes and things like that in the script. Eddie wasn't reading along very well at some points. Eddie told Howard he was done when he was supposed to be sitting on Liberace's lap during a song. He said he was going to leave and go over to Z100.
Liberace and Eddie performed a cover of Eddie's ''Two Tickets to Paradise'' song that had a lot of gay innuendo jokes in it. The song was ''Two Fingers in Paradise'' and Fred couldn't even stay in character through the whole song. Howard told Gary to go revive their general manager since he probably passed out after that.
Howard spent a short time with Eddie and then read some articles about his ratings hike down in Philadelphia. There were a few different stories and they were all talking about how Howard was breathing down John Debella's neck in the ratings.
In the segment Howard was talking to Gary about screwing something up with their guest. Gary told Howard he can do whatever he wants on his show since it is the Howard Stern Show.
Howard had Tula the transsexual come in after that. Howard was confused by the many names she was known by but he liked the way she looked. He said she has nice legs and she's managed to pull off the female look. He said Maury Povich had her on his show and he was having a hard time with her. Howard said Maury was trying to ask if her vagina feels like the real thing. He wasn't able to just ask the question though.
Howard said he doesn't understand the cleaning process of a fake vagina. He said that a woman's vagina cleans itself naturally.
Howard said he thinks he would try it with Tula if he had the chance. He asked if he'd ever see her naked. Tula said she didn't know. Howard said he wants to. Tula said he's happily married. Howard asked what he has to do to get her naked. She told him that he has to get naked first.
Howard said he wanted to do an inspection in the dark first. He said he could tell the guys at home what it looks like. Tula didn't seem to mind that. Howard said that he'd take a peek and then tell Robin what he saw. Tula said that was fine but she wasn't sure they had time.
Howard told Gary to get ready. He had Gary turn down the lights so he could do his thing. Howard said he was going to put a towel over Tula and then check it out with a flashlight.
Howard got set up and told Tula she wouldn't even know he was looking at her. She asked if he was sexually deprived or something. Howard said he's not. Howard gave her a towel to put over herself. It was actually a cut up t-shirt according to Robin. Howard told her to take her pants off and cover up with the towel. Tula got down to a g-string. Howard took his shirt off. He had her stripping down and told her he was going to give her the rubdown of her life. Then Tula decided to put her pants back on. Howard said he was going to take his underpants off for her. She told him to go first. Howard asked if she was out of her mind.
Howard told Tula to go sit down again if she's going to back down. Howard had his clothes off and said that he'd take more off if she just took her's off. She started to grab him a little bit and Howard didn't seem to have a problem with that. Howard said she was grabbing him with her hand.
Howard said he figured that a transsexual would want to have fun. He gave her some plugs for her book and talked more about her life since she wasn't saying much of anything.
Howard told Tula to bring in her boyfriend next time she comes in. He said he wants to meet that guy. Howard asked if she had a big wiener when she was a guy. Tula said that was 20 years ago and she doesn't remember. Howard asked if she wipes like a girl or like a guy. Tula just laughed. He wrapped up and went to break after that.
KC's Gay Song Game. 03/24/04. 7:30am
KC has created another one of his games. He asked the guys about the gay songs that they like. He said that every guy likes a gay song and gave an example. He said that he likes the song ''Invisible'' by Clay Aiken and he's willing to admit it. Robin asked him if he owns it or if he just listens to it. Howard said he doesn't own the gay song he talked about. Artie said he owns the gay song that he likes. Howard already knew Artie's song, it was a Pink song. He went on to play the Clay Aiken song that KC likes. Howard said he thinks that Clay is singing about a guy in the song so it kind of freaks him out. He likes the song though and would listen to it if it came on the radio. Robin said the song just really sucks though. She said she did think it was okay the one time she saw him perform it on TV though.
KC said that everyone in the studio was in the game as well as Tom Chiusano. Howard played the first song which was Hanson's ''Mmm Bop.'' Howard thinks that it was Benjy just trying to be funny and he could smell it a mile away. KC confirmed that it was Benjy. Benjy said that he really loves the song. Howard told KC to leave him out of every contest from now on. Howard said that no one likes that song and he could smell that bit a mile away. KC told Howard that his brother loves that song as well.
Howard played Christina Aguilera's ''Beautiful'' next. It was Howard's song and everyone knew it was his. Howard said the song brings a tear to his eye. The song was written for girls according to Robin. Howard admitted that it was a gay song, that's what the game was all about. The guys spent a couple of minutes arguing about Christina Aguilera and if she's hot or not.
Howard played the next song which was Leann Rimes ''How do I Live.'' Howard said it had to be Tom Chiusano because the song was soulless but it turned out to be Gary. Howard said that he likes bands like Steely Dan so it's not surprising that he liked this song.
Howard played the next song which was ''Kiss the Rain'' by Billy Myers. Howard guessed that it was Fred but it turned out to be KC's favorite gay song. Howard played Prince's ''Raspberry Beret'' which they guessed was Fred's song. Turns out it was Artie's.
Fred's song was actually ''Desperado'' which wasn't a gay song according to the guys in the studio. Howard said it's a great song and it's not a gay song. Fred defended his choice and said that he really doesn't like any of the gay songs out there. He said he just tunes them out.
Tom's gay song was Chris Deberg's ''Lady in Red.'' Howard said he never heard the song so he didn't think it was a good choice. Gary and the guys told him it was a huge hit though. Howard denied that and went to commercial break.
Howard 100 News And Wrap Up Show Updates. 01/30/06. 9:40am
After the break Fred played the Joe Rogan clip ''Getting Pumped'' (from I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday) where he and his buddy are working out and f'ing each other. Howard said that's one of his favorite bits.
In the clip Belzer was talking about a news story Robin brought up. He explained to Robin and Howard what he knew about it and why we were in Kuwait. Belzer went on and on about that. Howard asked if he knew how AIDS got started too. Belzer told Howard what he knew about that.
Howard said he would never end up in bed with another man. He said that there was one experience when he was about 11 years old though. He wasn't drunk at the time. Belzer told Howard that he had one gay experience too. He said he was dressed.
Belzer told Howard about this guy who tried to pick him up. He said he thinks that the guy put something in his drink and he started to get kind of woozy. Belzer said the guy tried to administer to him but he told the guy that he wasn't interested. He said nothing really came of it so to speak. Belzer said he got really ill after that. He said he can't believe he's talking about this on Howard's show. They wrapped up a short time later.
Richard Cohen - Coming Out Straight. 09/15/05. 8:10am
After the break Howard took a call from a guy who lives out in Columbus but was visiting New York City today. He said that the new show out there is awful and he misses the Stern Show. Howard took a few more phone calls from fans who said that they can't wait for him to move to the new place. One woman called in and told him how much she loves him. Howard said that if she was under 115 pounds, he'd love her long time. The woman said she was 5'1'' tall and weighs 119 pounds. Howard hung up on her and took a couple more calls.
Howard announced that there are going to be a couple of concerts on September 20th to benefit the victims of hurricane Katrina. Radio City Music Hall and Madison Square Garden both have concerts going on that night and you can get tickets through Ticketmaster.com. He said he figured he'd give them a free plug since that's the least they can do.
Howard said they have this guy there today who claims that he used to be gay but now he's gone straight. Howard said just looking at the guy he can tell he's gay. They played some gay porn clips as he was coming in. Howard said the guy's name is Richard Cohen and he's got a book called ''Coming Out Straight : Understanding and Healing Homosexuality'' which is available at ComingOutStraight.com. Howard told him he looks gay to him and Richard told him that he knew he had some gay tendencies from the age of 10. Howard played some audio from a gay porn movie to see if it turned him on. Richard wasn't turned on by it and went on to tell Howard about how he experimented with homosexuality when he was young, but he was just ''experimenting'' with them. He said that he was just looking for affection with a guy when he was going through the gay stuff. He's now been married to a woman for 23 years now and doesn't remember everything that went on before that. Howard played another gay porn clip and asked him if he was turned on by it. Richard wasn't turned on but Howard said that he loves those tapes so Robin was a little suspicious of him instead of Richard. Richard said that everyone in his family knew that he was gay and when he told them that he was getting married, they all asked him ''Who's the man?'' They were very surprised when they heard that it was a woman he was going to marry.
Richard told Howard that he knew the woman he ended up marrying and he knew her for a long time before that. Howard saw a picture of her and noticed that she was an Asian woman. He showed the guys her picture and they all thought she looked cute, and like a woman, not a man. Howard wanted to get to the point and asked Richard how he went from being gay to being straight. Richard said he found a doctor in New York City who helped him understand the feelings he was having. He found that one of the issues he had was that he didn't bond with his father and he was having too much affection with his mother. He found that there are also kids who are very sensitive emotionally and they cut off from one of their parents and will turn to homosexuality to get the affection they missed out on. Richard thought that Howard went through some of the same things after reading his book. He said that he agrees with Howard that people are not ''born gay'' and they can change. Richard said he no longer has any homosexual feelings at all and there is no proof that homosexuality is genetic. He has a lot of thoughts on this whole thing and that's what he talks about in his book.
Howard had Gay Ramone come in after that so he could test out Richard's theories. Ramone said that Richard seemed to have the hots for him when he walked in. He was wearing his leather chaps with his ass cut out of them. Richard said he didn't have any gay feelings at all and wasn't turned on by this guy. Ramone said that he has had sex with women in his life too and he thinks Richard will eventually come back to the gay side. Artie said that he may even have gay feelings toward Ramone. Benjy asked Richard if he has feelings for any other woman other than his wife. Richard said he doesn't so the guys think that means he's gay because every guy fantasizes about being with other women. Richard said in that context, yes, he does think about other women but he wouldn't cheat on his wife. Howard wished him luck with his book so Richard got in a plug for the book and said they're offering a 10 percent discount for Stern Fans who order the book. Ramone was laughing and said he didn't believe a word of this stuff.
Sal and Richard Christy came walking in, dressed in robes, to show off their genitals to Richard. The two of them had their pants off and Richard Christy was wearing a shirt that said ''Come And Get It.'' There was a delay hit or two while that was going on there. Howard wrapped up with them and gave Ramone a $500 prize courtesy of the DVD release of ''Lost: The Complete First Season.'' He went to commercial after that.
In the clip Robin was reading her news and told Howard about a story about gays protesting the catholic church on the day they do their gay pride parade. Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about that. The church was asking for the parade route to be changed but New York City said that wasn't possible. Robin read some more about that and Billy West did his Marge Schott impression going off on the gays.
In the clip Howard was telling a story about how he was molested as a kid. He said he was about 9 years old at the time. Howard said the guy tried to touch him but he didn't let him. Howard said the whole thing lasted about a minute. He showed the guys how the guy had him rubbing him like he was trying to make a fire. Robin asked what was going through his mind. Howard said there were no cartoons on so he had nothing better to do. Howard said he wasn't aroused or anything. He doesn't think the guy is even gay. He said he knows who he is but he doesn't know him as a friend or anything.
Jackie had a story to tell too. He said that his camp counselor offered to pay him a dollar a minute to do something to him. He said that was a lot of money to him but he wanted to beat the guy's ass. He said he was like 11 and the other guy was about 19. He knew enough to say no so he didn't do anything.
Howard asked Gary if he's ever had a guy touch him. Gary said he had a guy ask him to touch him for a short amount of time. He said he was like 7.
Robin said Howard is a homosexual by his own definition. Howard said he's not. He said if he is then he's proud to be gay.
Howard asked Gary if he touched the guy. Gary said he did. Howard asked Robin if she ever touched another girl. Robin said she didn't. Howard asked if Fred ever did. Fred said nothing ever happened. Robin said she didn't even play doctor with another boy when she was a child.
Steve Grillo came in and said that he has never had that happen to him. Howard said he's a liar too. He said it happens to everyone. Howard asked Grillo if he ever had a sword fight or anything. Grillo said no. He said that the closest he ever had was when he peed in the same toilet as his cousin. Howard said he has to get out of there to go to his meeting with the gay men's choir so he rushed Robin through her news. They went to break after that.
Holy Crap! Elephant Boy Comes Out Of The Closet!!! 1/10/97. 7:40am
Today was a big day for Elephant Boy! What started out as a simple thing turned into a big deal. Elephant Boy was coming down with his girlfriend from Cleveland and a friend of hers. The friend was supposed to be hooking up with Crackhead Bob. When they got there the girl said that she didn't really want to date Bob, she just wanted a free meal out of the deal. That was just the beginning. Howard had tape of Elephant Boy leaving a message on one of those personal ads where you call in and leave a message for the person you want to date. The surprising thing was that Elephant Boy was looking for a ''...couple in their 30's or 40's where the man is Bi(-sexual)...''! At first he said that he was just messing around goofing on the sex line but he quickly admitted to have had sexual encounters with men in his past and that he's actually Bi-Sexual himself!!! He said that his new year's resolution is to always tell Howard the truth... maybe this is too much truth! The whole Crackhead Bob thing was just about forgotten once Elephant Boy let this loose. EB made the message while he and his girlfriend were broken up so it wasn't really a goof. He was horny and he needed some sex. When Howard questioned Elephant Boy about who in the studio he's attracted to the most he said that Fred (Eric) is the best one. Fred couldn't look at Elephant Boy once he heard that. Elephant Boy said that he'd never act on that feeling but it's there. Everyone has wondered why Elephant Boy enjoys pro wrestling so damn much.. now you have the answer! Howard asked EB if he'd ever used his mouth on another man, he said yes. Jackie stated his ''OH OH'' stuff when he heard that. Elephant Boy then said that he just wants to tell the truth. This story should definitely win an F-Emmy this year. Getting back to Crackhead Bob... This woman that Elephant Boy brought along didn't even know what Bob looked like before she came down. She was quite surprised once he came into the studio. Her eyes apparently rolled back in her head when she saw him. Bob said that he didn't want to go out with this women since he knows that the relationship wouldn't have a chance in hell of going anywhere. Eventually he agreed to double date with Elephant Boy and his girlfriend. They're supposed to go to an S&M club tonight. That would be a hell of a sight!
Today's Gayest Week Every was over around 10:35am.
In the clip the caller was telling Howard about how he had sex with a transvestite but he's not gay. Howard asked about the details of what happened and what the tranny was wearing. The guy explained it and Howard said he was a homo. The caller insisted he wasn't gay. Howard said if he had sex with a man, he's gay. The caller kept saying the tranny was hot and he's not gay. Howard said he's gay. They went back and forth on that for a few minutes arguing about whether or not he was gay.
Howard asked if he did anything other than kissing the guy and getting oral from him. The caller said he did put it in the third input. Howard asked Fred if this guy is gay. Fred asked exactly what he did to that tranny. The guy said he did the third input. Fred said this is a line call. Howard said this is over the line and he's as queer as a 3 dollar bill. The caller insisted that he wasn't. Howard told the guy he was gayer than the guy he had sex with.
The caller said he's 21 and that kind of thing only happens when he's drunk. Robin said that's because his real feelings come out when he's drunk. The caller said he's not gay and it was just a thing. Howard said he has to admit he loved it. The guy said it was okay. Howard said he had intercourse with a man. The caller said that Jim Morrison did the same thing. Howard kept telling him it's gay.
The caller said this was just a one time thing and it won't happen again. Howard told the guy to call back when it does happen again. He let him go after that.
Howard said that guy is in total denial. Howard said he should come in there with his ''girlfriend'' and he'll take a look and see what drove him over the edge. Howard said he knows some of the hottest transvestites in the world so he knows what a good looking tranny looks like. Howard said he was alone in a limo with this Danna tranny and nothing went on. Howard said she was attractive but he didn't kiss her.
Howard mentioned that Gilbert Gottfried was there and they'd get to him after a break. After the edited out break Howard came back and had Gilbert come in as Rabbi Gottfried. He had another caller on the line to tell a tranny story too.
Howard told Gilbert about he had another guy, Sid the Homo on the line, and asked if he had he Gilbert said he heard a little bit of it. He had Gilbert sing to Sid for a minute and then asked him about what went on with this tranny.
Howard asked the guy about how he found out it was a tranny and things like that. Gilbert was goofing on the guy as he told the story. Sid said that he was feeling around and didn't feel a penis down there. Sid said he was drunk and stoned as this was going on. Gilbert ended up calling the guy a fag. The caller said he never called the tranny back again. Howard said this guy isn't a homo then. Howard let him go a short time later after Gilbert had called him a ''fag'' a few times.
Crazy Cabbie Comes Out!? 3/23/01. 9:55am
During a commercial break Howard said that Cabbie made some references to using a ''glory hole'' to get a happy ending. This led to a long discussion about gay sex and whether or not Cabbie would take money to have gay sex. He said he would do that and he doesn't think you're gay if you are on the giving end. That led to Howard asking Cabbie to talk about his discharge from the military. Cabbie said he wanted $5000 to tell the story. Gary said they had $3000 from iWon.com that they could give him. He took the offer. Cabbie wanted an assurance that he was actually going to get the money though. He didn't want another situation like the Win Fred's Money fiasco where he wasn't eligible for the cash. Tom came in and said it was okay but he didn't want to know the details of his discharge.
Before they got to that story Cabbie admitted that he had a gay experience when he was a cab driver. He went with a couple and the guy gave him oral for 10 minutes or so... That was just the beginning of the stories. Cabbie then told the story about he was thrown out of the army. Here's the shortened version. Cabbie and some of his buddies in the 82nd airborne were screwing a 17 year old daughter of a Sergeant Major in the Delta Force. He came home early one day and found them screwing her. He kicked a few of their asses and found out who they were. Then there was an investigation and a video tape was found in their barracks that had another guy's wife getting screwed by a few other guys. According to Cabbie the whole thing exploded into a huge investigation and then charges were brought against them. He was then thrown out of the army but he was given an honorable discharge because he wrote a letter to the commander complaining. Since it was just one event the honorable discharge was given because they don't count you whole career on one event.
Howard didn't care about that story so he interrupted it and told him to talk more about the gay experience. He explained that a little more and when Howard heard that he got oral from the guy he called him gay. Then everyone started asking him more gay questions. They asked him if he stayed aroused during the gay oral sex and he said he did. Cabbie also admitted that he had used a ''glory hole'' so that was another strike against him. He was asked if he had ever done anal. He went silent for a second and said he wanted more money. He did admit that he'd given someone anal and he did take it there himself one time.
Ralph called in and started goofing on him too. Cabbie tried to redeem himself by saying that he's done stuff with women that no one in the studio has ever thought of. It didn't work. He was asked if he's ever given a happy ending to a guy. He said he was going to shut down and save some of this for a later date. Howard said he's going to hook Cabbie up to a lie detector on Monday to find out even more stuff.
Later in the show Howard was distracted by the whole story and he couldn't stop thinking about Cabbie being bent over taking it up the rear.
Gaytanic Movie Parody Premieres. 5/27/98. 8:20am
Last week Howard was hyping his new movie parody ''Gaytanic'' starring Out Of The Closet Stern (Howard) and Blackswell (Fred). ''Gaytanic'' is a parody of ''Titanic'' of course. The story was kind of like Titanic but with more homo jokes. Actually every joke was a gay joke. At the end OoTC Stern gives his life to save Blackswell by letting him sit on his face to keep afloat. There was also a song parody of the theme to Titanic to go along with the parody. The words to that went something like ''In...Out...the pain makes me shout...''
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who sounded very effeminate. He asked the guy to just speak like a man. The guy said he was a man and that's the way he speaks. Howard said he's never met a straight man that speaks like this. Howard said men have become more and more feminine and he's not sure who or what to blame for that.
Howard asked the guy to speak like a real man. The caller tried to do that. He wasn't having much luck. Howard told him to pretend to be at Thanksgiving dinner before coming out of the closet. The caller said that had been a long time since then.
Howard said he learned that there were some really macho guys in high school who he found out were actually gay. He said they talk like this guy on the phone now. Howard asked the guy if he likes when guys stink under their arms. The guy said he does sometimes.
The caller said he can't wait to see them in Cleveland. He said he saw Howard's picture and he thinks that Tom is really hot. He said Fred is hot too. Howard told the caller Fred had a concert with his new group last night. Fred said he had a lot of fun and they had about 100 people show up.
Howard said Grillo was talking about how great Fred's voice was. That led to the caller saying that Mike Gange is hot too. Howard asked if he likes man cheese after he hasn't taken a shower in a few days. The caller said he doesn't like that. Howard asked if he has ever sucked a man's feet. The caller said he loves that. Then Billy West started doing his gay voice and talked about sucking on the toes.
Howard spent some time talking to the guy about getting it on with gay men in public bathrooms and stuff. Robin didn't understand why anyone would want to do that. Howard said if you like the smell of a man's buttocks then it's the perfect place. Howard asked the caller if he likes it when men pass wind. The caller said it's gross.
Stuttering John said that he had another gay man on the phone. He wanted to get a date with the caller that was on the line now. Howard had John put him through so he could set them up. Howard asked the guy if he was attracted to him. He said he wasn't.
Howard got the second caller on the line but he said he really had to go. The second caller said he was 25 and the other guy was 21. Caller 2 asked if he was a top or a bottom and things like that. They went back and forth asking questions. Then they got into a little bit of a bitch fight over how they speak. Howard said he felt like he was eavesdropping in hell. He goofed on the guys about the way they were arguing. He said he may want to do a gay Laverne and Shirley bit and they might be perfect. He said they could be like Anus and Andy. That got Billy laughing.
Howard asked if they wanted to go out on a date. One of the guys said that he wasn't from Cleveland so he wasn't that close. The second caller said that it doesn't make sense to him that a man who wants another man acts like a woman. Howard said the two of them sound almost identical so he's not sure what that guy is talking about.
Howard said he's so glad that he doesn't understand them. He said he doesn't want to understand. One of the callers said that Howard sounds like a woman too. Howard said he does not and lowered his voice a little bit as he said it.
Howard need up hanging up on the two of them a short time later. He had gotten fed up with their nonsense. Robin asked if that was Ralph on the phone. Howard said Ralph is all man... sort of.
Howard told Jackie to come over and kiss him to see if he likes it. Robin asked if he had ever made out for any bits they had done. Howard said he hasn't but Jackie and Gary have. They wrapped up after that.
Revelation Number 10. 01/17/06. 9:25am
The guys came back from break and let Gary say one more thing about Howard's revelation. Gary said that everyone is now going to find out that Howard had a nose job so it's going to be embarrassing to him. No news outlets are going to report that Robin used meats and vegetables to pleasure herself.
A phone caller told Howard that it does make Howard less of a ''man of the people'' than he was before. Howard had George Flowers come in and give an update on what they'd be covering on Howard 100 News at Noon. George said they'll be covering the revelations of course, Benjy's Biggest Loser tryout, George Takei's partner Brad and other stories as well. Howard also mentioned the Wrap Up Show that Gary and Jon Hein will be doing after the radio show. Robin will be appearing on that show to talk about her revelation.
Howard moved on to the next revelation which was...
Howard was pretty sure that it was Benjy but if it was Artie, then he would have beat out Scott the Engineer. Benjy was already freaking out and saying that this was a big deal... but it wasn't him, it was Artie! Artie said that he may have exaggerated a little bit. He said he was turned down twice by Will so he had to exaggerate a little bit when he told the story. He said he was wearing a shirt and it wasn't a full load. Artie said that he was in a 3 way with a chick and another dude.
Artie said that it all happened around the same time as his cocaine pig story. He was in L.A. at the time and would get an 8-ball of coke and do it over the weekend until he ran out. His drug dealer had invited him to a party so he went because there were going to be porn stars and coke all over the place. It was supposed to be at the house of a porn producer's house. The guy was kind of shady but he figured he'd go. They met at a house out near Woodland Hills or somewhere like that. He went into the house at around 10 o'clock and there was blow all over the place. There were chicks all over the place in bathing suits and porn on a big screen TV. Artie said there was coke all over the kitchen so he did a couple of lines and had some tequila on the rocks.
Artie also took a hand full of pills that were in a bowl in the kitchen. He just wanted to get fucked up so he did whatever he could take. They actually put Mad TV on that night because Artie was appearing on it back then. Within 5 minutes there were a bunch of smokin' hot chicks talking to him. They talked for about an hour and the Ecstasy started kicking in. The one chick started grabbing his dick and she was an ''L.A. 9'' which is like a New York 14 according to Howard.
The girl invited him into ''the fun room'' at the house and it was like ancient Rome because there were couples in there fuckin' each other. He said that he realized he was in an orgy and he wasn't sure what was going to happen. He saw one guy and a woman in the corner kind of messing around and dry humping. The hot chick asked Artie to sit down on the couch but he didn't want to do that, he wanted to stand up. The chick took her top off and wanted to take his shirt off. He didn't let that happen. The chick then started blowing him. He was never involved in an orgy so he was having some trouble getting going.
He eventually got going and then noticed that there was a Hispanic guy staring at him. He brought his woman over to him and she started making out with him. The Hispanic guy started spanking the hot chick that was blowing Artie. Then the Hispanic guy started fucking the chick as she was blowing Artie. Artie had never seen anything like this. Artie was trying to ignore the guy but he heard the guy really getting into it so he decided to bail out because he wasn't into it because he's not a 3-way kind of guy.
Artie pushed the hot chick away and the dumpy chick away. The hot chick wouldn't let him leave so the Hispanic guy was jerking off. He tried to move away but then he saw the jizz in the air and heading toward him. He got pissed and yelled at the guy for being a ''fuckin' weirdo.'' The guy told him to go back to the Suburbs but Artie was ready to beat the crap out of him. He threatened to go get a gun from his car. Artie left and went to the bathroom. That's when he noticed that on his chest, on the sweatshirt he was wearing, was a drop of the guy's load. He started to freak out even more and got hot water to get it off the shirt. He eventually took it off and threw it away.
Artie started to check everything to make sure there was no more jizz on his body. He checked his hair and made sure there was no more stuff on him. Artie said this guy told him he might want to get out of there because there were guns in the house and he might get his ass shot if he stayed there. Artie said he went to a hospital and slept there all night because he was so messed up from the drugs he had taken. The next day a friend of his wanted to tell him about the horrible weekend he had, meanwhile Artie had jizz shot on him.
Howard said that Artie's revelation wasn't all that big. It was exaggerated a bit so it wasn't that big. Jessica Hahn called in and told Howard that his revelation wasn't all that big because she already knew he had a nose job. She thought that Robin's revelation was bigger than his. He hung up on her because she was kind of annoying him. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Howard that it was exciting to hear his revelation and it was a big deal for her. She told Artie that he's crazy and she hopes that his mother isn't listening to this.
Captain Janks called in again and said that Artie owes all of the subscribers at least two bucks for that revelation because it was so gross. Howard said that Artie's revelation is only a 4 while Gary and Robin were giving him 6 and 7s. Fred gave him a 4 as well. Benjy said that the story will come out in the future so Howard raised it up to a 5 since that was a good point.
In the clip Howard was talking about how he and the guys were talking about how they know Jackie must have gay stories that he just can't remember. That led to Jackie telling a story about being in college and waking up in a dorm room completely naked under a blanket. He had no idea what had gone on or where his clothes were. He got back to the dorm and all of his clothes were in the room and one of the guys was saying that he remembered being with ''some blonde'' the night before. Howard said he'd bet that Jackie has been with a dude. Jackie didn't think he had been.
Howard said he'd bet that there are stories about Jackie having sex with guys and he imagined what they would sound like. He did his Jackie voice and told some stories that Jackie might tell.
Jackie said he would tell those stories if he had them. He said he has no reason to hold back. Howard said he thinks that they could be embarrassing so he would hold back. Jackie said he would tell him.
In the clip Howard was talking about this guy from NAMBLA (The North American Man Boy Love Association) and how he had seen him on a TV show. Howard said the guy was playing some of the voice mail messages he gets from people who hate him. He said they were calling him a Baby f'er and things like that.
Howard played a message that they play at NAMBLA when someone calls. Howard said that guy is totally delusional. He played some audio of the interview the guy did for this TV show. The guy was telling the reporter about what attracts him to a boy and how he will approach them. Howard said the guy looks like Radar from ''MASH.'' He said he's older and bald though.
Howard played more of the audio and the guy talks about his relationship with this young boy and how they went on a camping trip with the boy. The guy claims that the boy planned the trip. They slept in sleeping bags that were zipped together so they could be close. He says that the boy was in a position where he felt he could nature would take its course. He also said he didn't need any lubricants when he did this.
Howard said this is like one of those Oprah shows where guys describe their sickness. Howard said that the kid had to have needed a lubricant. He said it was a boy so he must have needed some kind of lubricant.
Howard played more of the audio where the guy is talking about how nature created lubricant for them. Then they hear from the father of the boy who says ''I'm going to kill him...''
Howard took a call from a boy lover who said that a 14 year old boy knows what he's getting into and it's the same with a man or with a woman. He said that he has been with a 16 year old and now the police are looking into it. The caller said this boy told his friends about what went on. He said that another kid had heard about this and came over to the house and played a video tape. Some things happened but the next day the kid freaked out and went to the police. Howard said he must have known he was a young boy. The guy said he thought he was young but didn't know he was under age. Howard said this guy must have had underage boys before. The guy said the youngest was 15. He said he met the 15 year old on the gay beach in front of his house.
Howard asked what the 15 year old was wearing. He said he was a surfer. He said he had blond hair like an angel.
After hearing some of this guy's stories Howard said he hopes he's thrown in jail. He said it's wrong to be with a 15 year old boy. He told the guy to just keep it in his pants.
Howard was saying that this guy is confusing the boy's sexuality when they do this kind of thing. If a 15 year old wants to be with an older woman, that's fine. The caller told Howard that he's a hypocrite. Another caller was saying that he was molested by a priest and it scarred him for life. The boy lover guy said that he understands that but what he's doing isn't the same thing.
Howard told the boy lover that he should have escorted the 15 year old out of his house. The guy said he didn't know he was underage at the time. Howard said he would escort a 15 year old girl out of his house if she was dancing seductively for him. He said that's just him though.
Howard took a call from a woman who told the guy to go hang himself because he's killing these kid's souls. Howard let the woman and the boy lover guy go back and forth arguing. The boy lover said that everyone in town knows the beach in front of his place is a gay beach. He said that kid knew it was a gay beach.
The caller said he went to the same camp that Howard went to as a kid. Camp Welmet. Howard said they may have been in the same bunk.
Gary told Howard that everyone is angry over this guy. He had a gay guy on the phone who wanted to yell at him. Howard picked up on him and the guy told a story about how he had a 16 year old lie to him about being 20 and he almost dropped the whole thing because of that. He said this guy on the phone is sick. He said that he's making gay men look bad.
Howard told the guys he had to go. He wanted to wrap up the call so he could move on. Howard said they know that there is a difference between gay men and boy lovers. The two of them were still arguing as they were wrapping up. Howard let them go a short time later and goofed on the boy lover for a short time after. Howard said he loves to hear two guys arguing about at what age they should have sex with other guys.
Fred The Elephant Boy Spins The Wheel Of Sex. 12/12/01. 8:25am
Fred the Elephant Boy recently called in asking for the chance to win a Microsoft Xbox video game system. Howard doesn't get the whole Xbox hype and he doesn't understand why so many people are begging for them. Some of the other guys on the show told him that it has amazing graphics in the football games and you have to see it to believe it. Scott DePace, sometimes called a homophobe, actually played Gay Chicken with KC so he could win one. He told Howard he was playing a NASCAR game on the Xbox and when he hit the wall the car just exploded. Howard then said to him ''How old are you?'' Scott told him he just enjoys the sports games.
Fred came in ready to spin the wheel. Here are the choices on the wheel:
Robin showed up late this morning too. She said she overslept because she didn't set her alarm last night.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Fred before he spun the wheel. Fred said the Xbox is for his girlfriend's kids, not for him. He said he's going to do whatever comes up on the wheel and he won't chicken out. Howard reminded everyone that Elephant Boy went through a phase in his life when he did some gay stuff so this would be a walk in the park for him even if he had to make out with Gay Ramone. Fred said that Gay Ramone isn't his type though.
High Pitch Erik came in and said that he was on a job interview on Monday. He probably didn't get the job because he was given a math test and he failed miserably. He says he really sucks at math. Howard ended up testing him asking what 20% of 120 was. He had no clue so Howard explained it to him and after a few minutes he finally got the right answer. Howard then asked him what 20% of 300 was and it took him another couple of minutes for Howard to teach him how to get the right answer.
Howard introduced Gay Ramone quickly and then Fred spun the wheel. It landed on ''Paint High Pitch Erik's package green'' so that's what he had to do. High Pitch pulled down his pants and everyone was surprised to see that he wasn't circumcised. Erik didn't even know what that meant. He said that he's Jewish so he just assumed he was circumcised. Everyone sounded grossed out by the sight of his big, fat, naked body. Elephant Boy then quickly poured some paint on Erik's package and got it over with.
Fred got the Xbox so Howard asked Erik if he was willing to win one for himself by putting a dead fish down his thong. Erik was on the show recently and got freaked out by the dead fish they had in the studio. They teased him for a few minutes and had him screaming like Mickey Mouse. He said he wasn't ready to do the fish down his pants today but he'd come back tomorrow. Gary told him that he had to do it today or never. Howard said he had to put a 40 pound cod down his thong and sit there for 5 minutes. Erik didn't want the big fish though, he wanted a smaller one. Howard went back and forth with him for quite a while and Erik never took the offer. Howard even gave him the chance to only do it for 2 minutes and he turned it down. Howard then pulled the offer off the table and sent him out of the studio.
Howard then spent a few more minutes talking about the Xbox hype. A couple of guys called in to explain to him what the big deal was all about. One guy, an Xbox product demonstrator, told Howard some of the features of the system. A couple of other guys called in to talk about how the Playstation 2 is just as good if not better than the Xbox. One guy even claimed he heard that people were returning their Xbox's because their processors were running so hot that they couldn't touch the console. Howard still didn't understand what all of the hype was about. Gary said it's just the ''new thing'' this year so lots of people want it. Howard said he'll buy one when they come out with an attachment for his penis and a set of goggles that allows him to fool around with a virtual girl.
Someone came in at one point and said that High Pitch Erik was out in the green room just about in tears because he didn't get the Xbox. He was apparently saying that Howard was a liar because the last time he was on Howard told him he could use a small fish to put down his pants. Howard said he didn't care though.
The Xbox units Howard has been giving away were courtesy of Buy.com
Heather Locklear Comes In. 11/15/00. 8:15am
Actress Heather Locklear came in this morning to promote ''Spin City'' which airs on ABC Wednesday nights at 9:30pm. Howard is always in awe of Heather's looks when he sees her. He spent a few minutes asking her about how she manages to stay so thin. She told him she works out. KC guessed her weight correctly at 106 pounds. Howard said that every woman should weigh 106 pounds. He said she was wearing some very sexy clothes. She had on a jean vest and her breasts were apparently ''pouring out'' of the top. She told Howard she works out at a private gym so there's never that many people there to see her in her sports bra and sweat pants.
A fan of Heather's by the name of Mark said that he would do anything to meet Heather so Howard had Gay Ramone come down to kiss the guy. Mark came in and Howard kept a curtain between him and Heather. Mark sketched a picture of Heather when he was in high school and he wanted to give it to her. He had to tongue kiss Ramone first though. Howard talked to Mark for a minute and found out that he's married and he's never had a gay experience before. He wanted to meet Heather so bad that he was willing to kiss a guy. Howard brought Gay Ramone in with his boyfriend Alex. The two of them said they're newlyweds. Ramone wasn't too thrilled about kissing a straight man. He didn't seem to like the looks of Mark either. Howard eventually got the two of them to kiss after some hesitation from both. Everyone was disgusted by the whole thing though. Ramone said it was gross to kiss a straight man. Howard said Mark looked like he was going to puke before the kiss.
Howard let Mark give his sketch to Heather after the kiss. He even got a hug from her. He got to talk to her for a couple of minutes before Howard kicked him out of the studio. Gay Ramone told Howard that he'd just given his boyfriend oral sex in the bathroom before kissing Mark but that turned out to be a horrible joke.
Howard continued to talk to Heather for a short time. He read that she doesn't go to a tanning booth to get tanned. She uses some kind of tanning cream. Howard asked her if she gets help from anyone rubbing it in. She said she goes to a place that scrubs her down and then rubs in the tanning cream.
As Howard was wrapping up the interview he said that he wanted to smell Heather. KC had told Howard that she smelled great so he wanted to check it out for himself. He went over and took a good, close sniff. It sounded like his head was buried in her hair or somewhere in that area. She said she wasn't wearing any perfume or anything. She just smelled clean according to KC. At one point the two of them were both going to take off their pants to show off their bodies but that never happened. Howard refused to do it unless Heather did it and she was teasing him pretending to pull down her pants.
More Scott The Engineer Anal Discussions. 3/13/03. 6:05am
Howard and Fred were playing with some Robin laugh clips as the show started. Howard brought up the Scott the Engineer bit that they were talking about for most of the show yesterday. Howard had a new version of the ''Scott from the Block'' song parody that they've played before. Howard said he had quite a conversation with his agent yesterday after the show about Scott. He said they spent almost the whole show yesterday on the subject. Howard gave some of the details of that discussion today. He made it quick and said that Scott has agreed to take anal from a man for $250,000.
Howard said they have a great new game today as well as Sandra Bernhard coming in later. Howard took an early break after mentioning that stuff.
After the break Howard and Artie were playing with some AC/DC songs. Artie was doing his impression of Brian Johnson again. Howard brought up some concerts he's been to over the years. He brought up one where he went to see Low Fidelity All Stars and the concert sucked. He said one guy just goes up and plays records on stage. Howard said the kids at the concert just stare at the guy. At one point one of the guy's buddies went up and lit a cigarette and the kids went nuts. Howard said he was there with his daughter and the newspaper reported he was there with a ''hot brunette'' the next day. Artie said he ran into Richard Johnson from Page Six at the AC/DC concert and he gave him a free drink card. That led to Howard talking about how he's no longer drinking during the week.
Howard said he went to the doctor about this cold that he's had for months now. He said the doctor asked him when he was coming in for his colonoscopy. He's in no rush to do that. The doctor told him that it is possible that he's allergic to his dog but they're not going to test that for another couple of months. Howard said he doesn't want to be allergic to the dog. He said he won't take allergy pills if he is allergic. He joked that he'd put her to sleep if he is allergic. He said he doesn't think that's the problem though. The doctor told him to go ahead and start working out again. He's not that sick that he can't do anything like that.
Howard went on to talk about the Scott the Engineer thing. He said he put off the call to his agent because it was embarrassing. He said he hoped that Don would heard about it from someone else before he called. Howard explained what happened with Scott again and said that Scott sees it as 5 years of salary for him. Howard said everyone he talked to said they would pay for it on pay-per-view. He figured he could do it right there in the studio. He said they're not going to see the action going down. He just wants to see Scott's face as it's happening. Howard said they probably show more on HBO's ''Queer as Folk.'' Robin said they showed hands going toward bulges in the latest episode of that show. Howard said it would be considered ''soft core'' at the most if they do it. Howard and Robin tried to figure out if it's really soft-core or not. Robin said in real pornos there may not be actual insertion. Howard said in some porn there probably is insertion that you just don't see.
Howard said he laid out the whole special for his agent Don Buchwald. He said it would start off with a name like ''American Anal'' and they'd introduce the show saying that America would be voting to see who would give a straight man anal sex. He explained the whole concept to Don and described that conversation to us. Artie would be doing his Brian Johnson impression. Scott the Engineer's wife and son would be in the front row of the crowd. He said they'd have Mark Harris do the National Anthem and then they'd pick the guy who was going to give Scott the anal. They'd tally the votes and move on to the main event with Michael Buffer doing the announcing. Scott would be behind a curtain and we'd see his face during the two minutes worth of anal sex he's going to take for the $250,000.
Howard said he doesn't believe that Scott would actually do that. Buchwald said he got a call from the pay-per-view people and were wondering what they had up their sleeve. Vinnie Favale called in and said that he spoke to some people and they have no problem with the idea. He said they'll even show the penis judging if they want. The pay-per-view people apparently said that they don't know how to market this thing so it would be up to Howard to do all of that. Howard said he would go on Leno and Letterman to market it if has to. He said they'll also give Howard a better cut of the pay-per-view money instead of the 50/50 they usually do. This is for DirecTV so Howard wondered if everyone would be able to get it. Vinnie said they have 11 million subscribers. Howard isn't sure if he wants to do that or go with cable. Vinnie said he has to do it now or it'll never happen. Vinnie said the woman he spoke to said it was very interesting and she could take it to her bosses. Vinnie suggested that Howard sell the special to Showtime after the pay-per-view. Howard said he'd even sell it to Showtime to start with because everyone would be able to get it that way. Vinnie said that this isn't a big deal for gay guys who do this every day but for people who aren't gay, ''Wow! This is a big deal!''
Scott the Engineer came in to talk about this so Howard said he'd better not find out that he's been having anal all along. Scott said there's no anal going on with him. Howard asked him what happened with his wife when he went home. He said she has no problem with it and the money is already spent. Howard asked Scott what happened when he got home. He said she wondered what happened and he told her what was going on. Howard wondered if she's just completely bored with him and that's why this isn't a big deal. Howard also found out that Scott's wife explained to their son about what was going to happen. Scott said she explained the whole thing to him and he thought it was going to be a strap-on. She explained that it was being done for the money and they really need it. Scott said that his son suggested that he do the 2 minutes for $250,000 and for every minute after that he gets another $100,000. Howard said the two minutes is plenty. Gary came in and said that he really doesn't know Scott after all of these years. He also said that Stuttering John said ''Scott's family is like The Munsters.'' Howard told Scott he just has to get the pay-per-view people to go along with it. He said he might have to take out insurance just in case Scott backs out. Scott told Howard that he'd like to offer his bald forehead for advertising. He said he'd auction off that space. Howard said Scott may enjoy this so much that he'd want to keep going for free after the two minutes.
Howard explained how this all came about with the game that KC played yesterday. KC interviewed Scott, Gary the Retard and Jeff the Drunk about whether or not they'd be willing to take anal from a guy for $250,000. Jeff the Drunk was the only one who said he wouldn't do it. Howard replayed the tape of Gary the Retard saying that he would do it. He'd played that one yesterday as a game. Gary only agreed to do it because of the money. Gary kept saying that he never had sex with a guy before. Robin wondered if he's ever even had sex with a woman. Howard said he doesn't think he has had either.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard should do this thing down in Atlantic City as a live event. Howard said that way he wouldn't have to do it as a pay-per-view event. Howard said he could video tape it and sell it as a video afterward. Howard said he could do it when they go out to Vegas in April. He said he needs a big stadium to hold it in. He needs a 70,000 seat stadium for this. Gary said that Giants Stadium holds 78,000 or so. Upstate there's a stadium that will hold over 100,000 people. Howard said he should just rent out Giants Stadium for a day to do this. Gary said that's exactly the way to go. The stadium is outdoors so even if it rains they're going to do it.
Gary said Tom is bummed out about the whole thing and thinks they're talking about it too much. Howard told Tom to shut up and that he still doesn't know what radio show they have on the station. Howard wondered if they could mike the stadium correctly for something like that. He said they'd have the place echoing for every sound. Howard said he'd like to get Marv Albert down there to announce for them.
Wayne Siegel from Legend Porsche Audi called in and said he'd take out some sponsorship on the event. Howard said they could hide some keys inside Scott and do a whole promotion around that. Gary Garver called in and told Howard that there is a stadium out in Vegas that holds 35,000 people. He also told Scott he's nuts to do this. Scott said there was no stadium until 2 minutes before then. He said Howard just keeps making it bigger and bigger. Stuttering John wondered if Scott can get drunk before this event. Howard told him he has to be straight because he doesn't want him coming back and saying that he was raped at a later date. Howard wondered how Scott's son is going to handle this in school. Scott said his son can handle himself and anyone who approaches him, he can take care of.
Stuttering John asked Scott if he's ever had a colonoscopy before and how painful that was. Scott said he has had them. Howard told Scott this is someone doing that repeatedly. Howard said some women do it so how bad could it be? Howard said women don't have prostates though. He wondered what would happen if Scott orgasmed because his prostate was being hit. Scott didn't seem to be worried about any of that.
Artie said he and John shared a cab yesterday and laughed their asses off for a few minutes about the whole thing. Howard said he was walking around all alone laughing his ass off. Scott said he really doesn't think this is a big deal. Everyone else does. John and Gary said their wives are wondering what the hell is going on with the show when they hear stuff like that. Howard had to take another break after that.
More Scott The Engineer Controversy. 3/14/03. 6:05am
Howard asked Robin what she'd charge him to see her naked. She said ''One billion dollars'' and he thought she was joking around. Howard said he wanted a serious answer and she told him she was serious.
Captain Janks called in and said that he had a suggestion. He said that in light of what we learned about Leno yesterday from Sandra Bernhard, that he should be the one to ram Scott in the ass for the pay-per-view. Howard said they have to get someone serious for that. Howard also complained about Tom Chiusano going to his staff about questions they've been asking about this Scott the Engineer pay-per-view. Howard said he yelled at KC for something about the anal thing. Howard said Tom is also doing other stuff around this thing and it's pissing him off. Howard said he has a plan to finally make himself ''the winner'' in this battle.
Howard says he's not giving up on the pay-per-view thing and he is looking into getting Giants Stadium to host the event. Howard got back to the Jay Leno thing and talked about what Sandra told him yesterday. Howard said he had Gary Garver get 100 pair of handcuffs to hand out to the audience at ''The Tonight Show'' tonight. Sandra told them that Jay handcuffed her when they had sex so Howard thought it would be funny to do that. Gary came in and said he had the plug for the guy who got them the handcuffs. He said it was SomethingSexyPlanet.com. Howard goofed on Gary for a few seconds about how he bugs him each morning after ''Survivor.'' Howard kept repeating the word ''Boff'' as Gary says ''boss'' to him while Fred played a dog barking.
Howard said he saw something really funny yesterday. The E! crew put together a special called ''Howard Stern's Jerkoff'' which looks a lot like ''Jackass.'' He said they took clips of shows where people beat each other up and stuff like that on the show. Robin Radzinski from E! came in and said it will probably be a 1 hour special that will run on Friday of next week. Robin said Mike Gange put that together. Howard, who usually bashes Gange's work, said he'd have to compliment him. Robin told Howard who did what on that special and he sail all of them are talented people. He said he's really not just hyping this thing, he really thought it was good. Howard had to take a break a short time after that.
After the break Howard talked about what Tom yelled at KC about. He was upset about KC calling Gary the Retard and Jeff the Drunk about the anal stuff they've been talking about for the past couple of days. Howard said he's pissed that Tom is yelling at these guys who he's been telling ''You're doing a great job.'' Howard said he told KC to just ignore everything Tom said to him. He said it's ridiculous that Tom is taking his people and talking to them without him around. Howard said Tom was also busy with secret messages to people and he's pissed about that too. He talked about how Tom is always saying he's his own man but when they ask him about something, he says that Mel is the one turning it down. Howard said Tom is all over the place and that's why he was turned down for a promotion recently.
Howard said he just wants to end this and leave the company or get rid of Tom. He said the guy is out of control and he doesn't know what to do. He said that Tom should be coming to him to talk about stuff instead of going to the other people on the show.
Tom called in to talk about what was going on. He said that he didn't take anyone into his office behind Howard's back. Tom said he was complaining about an edit in the phone calls. Howard said Tom is upset about what he did with those phone calls, not what was in the phone calls. Tom also said that he didn't ''yell'' at KC. He said he didn't raise his voice at all. Howard said he heard that he yelled at KC for a half hour yesterday. Tom got fed up with Howard's arguing so he got off the phone. Howard continued to talk about it and said that he was praising KC for the bit he did during a meeting after the show. Then Tom took him and complained. Howard spent some time complaining about Tom and Gary came in and said KC is upset because he didn't think this was going to be on the air. Howard and Gary discussed how Tom is useless to them. Howard said when his people stop being creative, they're done. He said that's why Tom is so useless, he's not creative. Howard said KC isn't the out of control person because he's not the one who took that bit and made it into what he made it.
Howard spent a couple of minutes goofing on David Letterman. He said Tom wants him to do something like that instead of the edgy show he does. He said he's just going to sit there and wait for Tom to tell him what to do from now on. He was waiting for the phone call from Tom to tell him what the ''other stuff'' is that he wants him to talk about on the show. Howard said Tom has no idea what it takes to make the show what it is. Howard moved on to talk a little bit about the Scott the Engineer pay-per-view thing. They've heard that people can't even look at Scott in the halls because they know what he's going to do. Gary came in and said he can't look Scott in the eye anymore because he's ashamed for him.
Gary said he called Paul Fishbein from Adult Video News for suggestions on who would do Scott. Gary said he gave him a couple of suggestions. Stuttering John came in and asked if Howard thinks Scott is dying and this is his way to go out. Howard said he doesn't think that's it. He said that he thinks perhaps Scott has been a swinger all of these years and he's been doing this kind of thing all along.
Howard said he knows that Tom is going to ask him to meet with him today but he doesn't have the time. Gary said it's funny when Howard has to run out and hide from Tom after the show.
Howard and Gary said Tom is a great guy outside of the show. Howard said he is a little bit odd because he made a pact not to masturbate anymore after surviving his battle with cancer. Howard and the guys goofed on Tom about that for a couple of minutes.
Howard said Scott is ready to do this thing. He said he doesn't want to do it but he will do it for the money. Stuttering John said it's not ''life changing money.'' He said Scott is just going to put an addition on his house and buy some furniture. John also said that Scott isn't going to have any say over what happens to the money either.
Scott the Engineer came in and the guys asked him what he was going to do with the money. He said he's not sure right now. Stuttering John was laughing at him the whole time they were goofing on him. Howard asked Scott if he'd have a problem with a black dude, by the name of Lexington Steel, doing him. Scott said he doesn't really care either way. Howard said they had a little party after the show yesterday and Crazy Cabbie made the suggestion for Lexington Steel. Howard said Cabbie is swearing off gay sex but in the past he's done stuff like that. Howard said Scott has a blank look on his face when they ask him about this stuff. Scott just wondered what else he's supposed to do.
Scott said that he might do some training before this event. John said they have to get tape of that but Scott said that would cost another $100,000. He's going to start putting crap up there himself to condition himself. Howard said after he does that they should cancel the event. Howard and the guys goofed on Scott about what might be happening when he's conditioning himself. Howard did his Scott impression and talked about putting cucumbers up there. Gary told Howard that Gay Ramone calls him every day and asks to be the one who does Scott. Howard wondered if Scott will let anyone do him before then to make sure it works. Scott said there will be no practice with guys. Stuttering John offered an extra $1,000 to Scott if he tongue kisses the guy. Scott said that's not happening. Howard threw in another $5,000 but he still wasn't having it. He said he might do more stuff for the same amount of money he's making on this event. Howard and the other guys said they really wouldn't do this stuff for 10 times the amount of money Scott is going to get.
A listener called in and asked if they're going to have a doctor on staff during this event because Scott may need stitches after it. The caller was a truck driver and all of a sudden he honked his horn and yelled at a driver in front of him. Howard said you never want to get in the way of a truck driver. He told the guy he should go take some more speed and get off the phone. That led to the guys talking about some of these nuts out on the road. Gary said he had a guy who was tailgating him flashing his brights at him. He got out of the way and did the same to him but then the guy in front of him slammed on his brakes. Gary said he was fishtailing all over the road after that.
Dominic Barbara called in and talked about the pay-per-view for a few seconds. Howard said he had to go into a meeting with Scott to make sure he absolutely wanted to do this. He said Scott didn't seem thrilled about it but he was going to do it because he needs the money. Dominic said it would be funny if all of the guys dressed up as women for the event. Howard and Fred started goofing on Dominic's voice for a few seconds. Stuttering John and Artie were placing bets on whether or not Scott will be able to finish the full two minutes. Howard had the guys do a search for this guy Lexington Steel to see how big he is. It turns out the guy is about 13 inches. Howard had a ruler and showed Scott just how big the guy is. Scott's reaction was ''OWWW!'' Howard measured some stuff that he had laying around just to give Scott an idea. He measured a Poland Spring liter and a half bottle and said it was 13 inches long, just like Lexington Steel's penis. After playing with that for a couple of minutes Howard took another break.
Various Stuff. 3/17/03. 6:05am
Howard started off the morning talking about Scott the Engineer who is now saying that he can't do it (the anal pay-per-view) because his life is getting turned upside down. Robin asked if he finally came to his senses. Scott came in and said it got blown out of proportion and he was getting phone calls from everyone about this. He said the last straw was when he heard his mother turn over in her grave. He said it took a week of everyone goofing on him to get him to change his mind. His sister asked him if he was out of his mind so he just said ''Yes.'' He said he told her he needed the money and that's what he was doing it for. Howard said he was going to waste the money on furniture too. Gary said that whole thing was a topic of discussion for him the whole weekend everywhere he went. Scott said it was just everything piling on. Howard said it had to be one last thing that really drove him over the edge. Scott said his son came home one day and said something about being ridiculed at school and that helped him make up his mind. Gary said he's not giving up because he's not willing to do it, he's giving up because of the ridicule. Howard said he might as well do it since he's gone this far already.
Howard took a few phone calls about this and people seem to be glad that this is finally going to be behind us. Scott said his son's school thing was really the topper to the whole thing. Howard said Scott is the worst story teller and he'll never tell a good story. Howard said Scott doesn't know what's funny about his life and just can't tell a story. He said he's the world's most boring guy. Scott finally broke down and started telling Howard some stories about calls he got. He said a guy from his bowling league called and asked him what he was doing and if he was out of his mind. Howard said it was like pulling teeth with him to get a story out of him. Howard said it must have been a good story but he's not talking. Howard and Robin figure it was Scott's wife Robin who called it off. Scott said that's not true though. Robin said that she and Fred figured out that there's something broken inside Scott. Howard said he really is a broken man. He talked to Scott about his wife for a short time too. He said Scott is the one making the money for the family so he suggested that he get his wife to go to work also.
A caller asked if Tom Chiusano finally got to Scott and that's why he's bailing out. Scott said Tom didn't get to him and he'd tell Howard if that were the case. Another listener asked if they could get Gary the Retard to do this instead of Scott. Howard said it's just not the same with a retarded guy. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Scott should be penalized for this because he got everyone revved up for the event and then backed out. Stuttering John came in and said he was really looking forward to the event. He said Scott knew this was going to happen from the beginning and should have stuck with it. Howard said John and Ronnie were right. He said he spoke to Scott last week to make sure he was going to go through with this. He said he was good even as late as last Friday. KC came in and said that Ronnie won't hang out with Scott anymore because he was going to do this anal sex thing. Gary said that Scott would have done this without any outside intervention. Ronnie said Scott's wife won't even go out with he and his wife anymore. Ronnie said he can't even go to a race track with Scott because people would kill them. Ronnie said he was upset that Scott was going to do it in the first place and then he was pissed that he backed out on it. Howard said he got weirded out when he saw Scott first thing this morning. He didn't even know that he was backing out at the time. He said it's just weird to see Scott after he agreed to do it. Howard said his agent had made calls to the pay-per-view people. They weren't too thrilled with the event and said they couldn't promote it because of the content. Howard said that wasn't really a problem for him though.
A listener said that he guesses that it's back to watching Artie race Howard's dog Bianca. Howard asked Scott if he had started preparing for this event by sticking stuff up his ass. Scott said he never made it that far. He bailed out before that.
Howard said he got more positive e-mail about that pay-per-view thing than anything else. He said people thought it was going to be the greatest event ever. Scott said that perhaps this shows that he's not gay like everyone was thinking after he agreed to it. Howard had to take a break after talking about that.
The Gayest Week Ever was over around 10:55am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:30am.