Howard is still sick but he's getting better. He said he needs to go see a doctor.
Robin said she went to see Michael Jordan play his last game at Madison Square Garden over the weekend. She said the Knicks won by one point. Gary wondered if it's really his last game because he's come back before. Robin said she believes it. The guy is 40 years old and Robin said she thinks his body can't keep doing that forever.
Howard brought up Gary's trip to the Jimmy Kimmel show. He said Gary met the lawyers who are in charge of censoring the show. Gary said those guys were shocked when they found out that Howard's show is censored by a DJ who works at the station as a part time overnight DJ. Howard was blaming that all on Tom Chiusano since he's in charge of that. Dead Air Dave, who hits ''the button'' on Howard, came in and said that he was there at the station for four years before he started doing the button. Howard said he wasn't wrong about the part time thing though. Gary asked Dave what his training consisted of as far as what he's supposed to hit the button on. Dave said it was a couple of months worth of sitting next to Tom learning what to do. Dave said Howard was making it sound like he was ruining the show. Howard said ''You are!'' He said he doesn't think Dave is a bad guy but they should hire an FCC attorney who knows exactly what they need to censor. Dave thought it was kind of funny that they were hiring him to hit the button. He said he didn't really want the job, no one did. Howard told him not to worry about it because the company is off it's rocker. Howard let Dave go after a few minutes of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they're on in Baltimore now so people can hear them. Howard said they're on WXYV 105.7 in Baltimore. Howard said it was with very little fanfare that they were moved. That led to Howard talking about how on E! they never do any promotion for his show. He said they promote the other shows on that channel but never mention his. He said it's like his show doesn't exist. Gary said he thinks they don't promote it because it's the biggest show on the network. Howard said that's ridiculous because even MTV will promote ''The Osbournes'' because it's good for them. Howard asked for Robin Radzinski from E! to come in so she could talk about it. She said that she believes what Gary said about them thinking that it's so big it doesn't need help. Howard said it's kind of bumming him out. The lame crawls they run under the show are also pissing him off. He said they didn't run any of those things when they were on the red carpet at a recent awards show. He said they didn't run them because it would have ruined the show. Howard said he thinks E! is embarrassed by his show. Artie said it would be nice if they ran those crawls under other shows for his show. Shuli called in and said that the show also gets a lot of ads for stuff like ''Girls Gone Wild'' or E!'s ''Wild On.'' Howard said he thinks that the head of E! likes him but it could be just the ratings that she likes.
A listener told Howard that he may have an STD, not a cold like he thinks it is. Howard told the guy he was nuts. During the E! discussion Howard mentioned this Michael Essney show that's running on E!. He said the show is cute because it's a high school kid doing a talk show from his house. He said it was kind of funny when he was trying to get guests before he was on E!. Now that he's on there, he's getting some good guests and it's not as funny.
Howard said they've been on the air with E! for almost 9 years now. It'll be 9 in June of this year. Howard said that's one of the longest running shows on cable TV.
Howard and the guys ended up goofing on KC about why they've thought he's gay for years now. Howard said it was probably the discussion about how good Dan Marino's ass looks that drove them in that direction. KC tried to defend himself but when Howard asked him how his ass looked, KC told him it's in proportion. Howard told him that was the wrong answer though. He told him he should just say he doesn't look at that stuff. KC said he'd be lying if he did that though. Howard took a break after that discussion.
Stuttering John said he initially thought the show was going to be two weeks. Howard said he feels used by both ABC and Stuttering John over this whole thing. Howard said no one else can say they're taking off two weeks and stay away for three. Howard eventually kicked John out of the studio. John wouldn't leave and kept arguing about what Howard was saying. Howard said ''You're a celebrity, get out of here.'' John said that he paid Will a couple hundred bucks extra while he was away to cover his job. Howard said that he's the idiot because he trusted John. Howard told John to go suck leaches off Julie Brown's ass. John said she's a really nice person. Howard said she looks like she was hit by a bus and wondered if that was even the real ''Downtown'' Julie Brown. Howard said that he didn't want his name used on that show. John said he made them put ''Radio DJ'' under his name so they wouldn't use Howard's name though. Howard goofed on John about some of the stuff he did on the show. Gary said that John is having a party soon and Tyson Beckford and Cris Judd are flying in for it. Gary said he wants to go now.
Howard said he likes everyone when he's on a 3 week vacation too. John said that wasn't a vacation, it was hard. Robin and Gary said that they were drinking and smoking so it wasn't that hard. They even had a psychiatrist there for Alana Stewart to visit. John said that Nikki Ziering told him that she'd be ''all over him'' if he was single. Howard said none of them believe that though.
A listener called in and said that they did use Howard's name on the show. John said that when his wife saw that, she called them up and made them change it. Howard said John's not even his sidekick so he doesn't know why they would have put that in the show. John continued to defend himself but Howard didn't want to hear it. Howard said he doesn't like people who lie to him. John said he was told the show was going to be from February 15th to March 1st. It turned out to be longer than that. Howard said he didn't believe it though. He said that he doesn't have a problem with John wanting to make some money. He said if he said he was going away for two weeks and went away for two, he wouldn't have a problem. John thought that he told Gary how long he was going to be away but Gary said it was never discussed. Howard told John to get a date book so he can keep it right. Howard told John that at his next job, when he tells someone he's going to be away for two weeks, he'd better be back that week. Howard said his next job will probably be at KFC when he's done with him. Howard said John was paid $100,000 for doing that other job so he didn't get paid for that job.
Howard told JOhn to tell him about his new friends from the show. John said that Julie Brown and Cris Judd were both very nice people. He also said that Nikki Ziering was great. Robin Leach was also great according to John. Howard said JOhn was on The Tonight Show talking about how f'd up everyone was and on this show he was being nice. John said he was goofing on Bruce Jenner on that show, not everyone else. Howard told John to go back and do his job so he could take a break. John asked Howard if anything interesting happened while he was away. Howard said they got a lot of e-mail from people who said the show was better without him. John left after that.
A listener called in and told Howard to stop crying about people using his name. Howard let that guy and another woman complain about that stuff. The woman said that perhaps JOhn is trying to plan for the future by doing stuff like that. Howard said his problem was with John taking off three weeks when it was supposed to be two. The woman went on to complain about Florida drivers making left turns on double yellow lines for some reason. He had to hang up on her after that. Another guy said that John needs to make some money because he's broke. Howard said John isn't broke and owns a lot of real estate that they'll never know about. He said he's fallen for that ''poor John'' stuff before.
John came back in and said that he really thought Howard knew how long he was going to be away. Howard said he didn't want to argue about that anymore though. He kicked John out again. Artie thought it was funny that some of those listeners calling in thought that Howard was jealous that he wasn't invited to be on that horrible show. Howard said John told him some funny stuff about Julie Brown off the air but asked him not to talk about it on the air. Howard decided to take a break after that.
Howard took a couple of phone calls to kill some time. One listener asked Howard why he didn't freak out when Robin did ABC's ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire.'' Robin told the guy that she didn't miss a day of work for that. Howard said he just wanted John to be honest about how long he was going to be off the show. He was pissed that (he thought) John lied about how long he was going to be away. Another caller asked why Howard was so pissed at John. He admitted he missed part of the conversation but Howard explained it to the guy anyway. Howard said he told John to go ahead and take those two weeks off but he didn't come back after just two. He said he didn't want to debate it anymore. The guy said if John lied to him then he should get rid of him. Howard said any other job would have fired him.
Another caller said that he saw Robin and Mr. X at the Knicks game last night. He said Mr. X has a huge nose, even bigger than Howard's. Robin said he's very handsome but the caller told her to get rid of him.
A listener asked Howard if he caught that Batman special last night. Howard missed it so the guy explained what happened on some of it. Howard said maybe it's good that they missed it after hearing the guy's explanation. Howard said he watched the SAG awards instead. Howard said it was really lame. He ended up talking about Melissa Rivers for a short time. He wondered what was up with her teeth. Robin said she thinks it's more of a lip thing than a teeth thing. She said that Melissa has great abs though. Howard said that would be like him having a big penis, it doesn't make much of a difference when you look like he does.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Artie is 100 times better than Jackie. He also agreed with Howard about the Stuttering John thing. He also said that he saw a Bon Jovi concert recently and Jon was doing anti-war speeches and stuff at the concert. That got Howard talking about how this war is a good thing and how he doesn't want to be the next one to get gassed. He went on to talk about Saddam Hussein and the upcoming war. The guys also talked about how Janine Garofalo was on some show talking about how she likes Saddam Hussein. Howard and the caller went through some other celebrities and talked about that for a short time. Howard said there are some celebrities who look at you like you're nuts if you think the war is a good thing. Another caller said he heard that Chrissy Hynde said she wished that the U.S. loses if we go to war. Howard said he thinks there's something very wrong with Chrissy Hynde and what she says doesn't really matter. He said she should be more worried about coming up with another hit song since she only had one. He said the song she did have was just the ramblings of an ill person. He took a break after that.
Howard said he saw a Jerry Springer uncensored tape and it was actually very good. Robin said she thought it was pretty good too. Howard said he's putting together an uncensored video of his E! show and it's a lot more work than he thought. Gary said he was in a store recently and everyone there was picking up a copy of ''The Osbournes'' on DVD. Howard ended up talking about how he had the idea to put the Osbournes on video but didn't follow up on it.
Gary was out in L.A. This weekend to take 30 listeners to see Jimmy Kimmel's show. It was a contest that they'd run where those listeners got to go see the show. Gary said he got to meet a bunch of Jimmy's family while he was there. He also said they had an amazing dinner set up before the show. He said that Wolfgang Puck cooks for the show each day. Howard said he can't believe how much money there is in TV and how well they're treated. Gary said the food was amazing too. Howard was amazed and said that they can't even get water for their guests. He said he'd just like to be able to get his guests a bagel. Gary went on to say that Jimmy doesn't get any respect out there. He said when he asked the security guards where Jimmy's show is at, they had no idea who he was. Gary said he shoots the show in an old movie theater and they don't even have Jimmy's name on the marquee. Howard was still stuck on the Wolfgang Puck thing. He couldn't get off of that and said it might be worth going out there just for dinner. Artie said when he was on the ''Norm'' show it was like Thanksgiving dinner every night. They always had a lot of great food to eat.
Gary said Jimmy started bussing the table after they ate out there. Gary said Jimmy's show was really funny and hopes that it'll make it through the low ratings they have now. He talked about how funny Sarah Silverman was in a bit she shot for the show.
Gary told Howard about some of the stuff that happened on the show last week. They had Don King on the show and did some funny bits with Lennox Lewis and some other guy.
Howard heard that Jimmy was upset that he didn't get Stuttering John on his show. Jay Leno got him instead. Stuttering John said Leno's people called him to get him on the show. Kimmel's show didn't ask him so he went on Leno. Howard said he's had Leno and Letterman fighting over him and it makes him feel like he's actually ''someone'' in the industry. Howard said he did Leno one time and Letterman had to have a special meeting to come up with something to go against that show. He had Rush Limbaugh on that night.
Gary told Howard about the green room they have at the Kimmel show. He said this one room is for family and they have games and stuff for them to play. He said that they never go out to the audience, they just stay in the room.
Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) called in and said that Gary is going to do some comedy shows with Stuttering John now. He went off on Gary for a minute but Gary denied that he was going to do any comedy shows with John. After Sal hung up Gary said he'd fight Sal for free if he had the chance. He said he'd even bare knuckle fight him. He said he'd punch Sal one time and he'd go down.
Howard had tape of Stuttering John's appearance on ''The Tonight Show'' to play. It was 7 minutes long so he wondered if the audience was up for it. He played the clip and goofed on Jay as soon as he heard Jay's phony laugh. John talks about his stay on ''I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here!'' with Jay. Jay goofed on the show and how the ''celebrities'' were barely celebrities. John also goofs on Bruce Jenner and his long winded stories that he heard over and over again while he was on the show. Howard continued to goof on Jay's phony act and how lame the show is. He wondered how people watch those shows. John talked about a couple of the other celebrities that were on the show with him and talked about how there was a Shrink there in camp for Alana Stewart to consult with during their stay there. After hearing John talking about the show he wondered why John would even want to win. John said if he won, his charity would have gotten $200,000. He said it was a personal thing for him. Howard wondered why John didn't want to get voted off like Julie Brown did. John said he was having fun and didn't want to leave. John said that Julie is very upset that the leach bites haven't gone away yet and she's very upset with the show because they said they don't leave scars. Artie asked ''What about the permanent leach mark she's leaving on her husband?'' That got the guys laughing quite a bit. John said that Julie made more money from MTV than people think and she's not leaching off of her husband. Howard said he thought it was weird that ABC banked the show on ''The Stuttering John Melendez Show'' for 15 days. John also wondered why some of those people were on the show. Howard said he knew why John did it, because he wanted that $100,000.
Stuttering John brought up his Oscar Party and talked about how Robin Leach will be flying in to attend the party. He said Nikki Ziering won't be coming because she's out in L.A. Howard asked if Nikki banged anyone while they were there doing the show. John said at one point Nikki had come from someplace with Cris. John said he asked Nikki if she'd just done something with him and she responded ''How did you know?'' or something like that. John said she may have been just joking around though.
John also told Howard that Bruce Jenner has a theory about O.J. Simpson and where the weapon might be. John told Howard that whole story. It was a long story but it sounds like O.J. may have gotten rid of the weapon one night when he was at Robert Kardashian's house after he'd come home with his golf clubs. Bruce apparently told them that O.J. Had taken the clubs from Kardashian's home one night and disappeared for a while. John was telling Howard this so he might have him on as a guest.
John admitted to have taken some Xanax with him down with him. He said he only took it one night though. Howard claims that he and the rest of the crew could tell when he had taken it because he looked wasted. Howard asked John if he'd pleasured himself while he was there. John said he never was able to do that but he did have a wet dream one night. He said he was dreaming about an Asian woman giving him oral sex when he had a ''nocturnal emission.'' He said he wasn't able to change underwear after that happened so he had to walk around with it until his other underwear dried.
Howard and the guys said that John should have goofed on the host. John said that would have been tough to do because the guy kept telling him what a big fan he was of the show. John spent a short time talking about that and a few other things that went on with the show.
Gary was in and told Howard a story about how he, John, Julie Brown and a bunch of others wanted to watch ''The Tonight Show'' after John had done it on Friday night. He said they all headed back to John's hotel room to watch it but when they tuned into NBC, they got a blank screen. Gary said Julie Brown ended up calling the front desk asking them what was going on. They said it goes out once in a while and they had someone working on it. Meanwhile they found out that channel 4 was working down by the pool. They headed down there and found that it was actually CNN that was running on the wrong channel. Gary said Julie asked him to go to the bar they'd been at earlier in the evening to see if they had a working TV. Gary went down and said they didn't have it either. The others said they'd be down to hang out with him in a short time so he stuck around and waited. He said they showed up really late after he'd waited for them. It turns out they found another bar to watch it at. That bar was too loud so they had to watch the closed captioning instead of hearing it.
Gary retold the story where he had an accident in his underwear when he farted one time. He took the underwear and threw it in the garbage. He said what was even grosser was when he picked up the dirty towels in the trash to cover his crap stained underwear. Artie told the guys the story where he went out to crap in the woods but accidentally crapped in the ''bridge'' of his underwear. He pulled them back up and sat in the crap. The guys in the car with him could smell it. He also told the story of how he had to leave his pants in a yard one time because he'd crapped himself. KC told a story about his buddy crapping in a cup and leaving it in Reverend Bob Levy's hotel room. KC said they hid it in a corner. He eventually found it and told them to get it out of there. KC said it was ''steamin up'' and it was great. Gary then told the guys about going on the road with Jackie one time and he was in a hotel room taking a dump while he listened to the other guys talking. Gary said Jackie held a match as he told a story.
Artie was on flight one time with movie reviewer Joel Siegel. Siegel asked to borrow Artie's paper and took it to the bathroom with it. Artie said he was in there for like 20 minutes and all he could think was he was getting his crap all over the paper. Artie said he didn't touch the paper after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said many years ago he was a wrestler in school. He'd take a bunch of laxatives and during a match, he ended up crapping himself when the other guy squeezed him. KC said he's seen that happen before. The guy went on to say that he lost the match and the crap got all over the other guy and all over him. He said no one ever said a word about it either. That led to Gary telling a story about how he was taking a dump once and his doorbell rang. He thought he was done but he must have had a hanger. He said he ran down to get the door and told the kid selling magazines that he wasn't interested. When he turned around, he saw crap footsteps leading back to the bathroom. Gary said he told his wife that he'd stepped in dog crap. Gary told the guys another story about a landscaping guy who crapped in the lawn behind his house while he was having a picnic. Gary said he told the owner of the landscaping business about it but the guy just laughed at him.
Howard took a call from a woman who used to be a manager of a Victoria's Secret store. They had to clean it up one day and she found a pair of panties with a big doody in them. She said someone must have stolen a pair and threw those under the table. Howard said that was quick thinking for whoever did that.
Artie wondered if any of the guys ever just thought about taking a crap while sitting there watching TV. Everyone said ''No!'' to that. Artie said he's thought about it but never did. Howard asked him if he's ever worn an adult diaper so he could crap himself. Howard told Artie about the time they all wore diapers and tried to go in them. He said Gary had a really funny look on his face when he did it. Howard also brought up how Tiny Tim used to wear adult diapers all the time because he thought underwear was unsanitary. Howard took another break shortly after that.
When they came back Howard asked John where they had to go to the bathroom when he was on that show ''I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here!'' John told Howard that there was a board with a bucket under it. He said he had an accident one night and pissed on the board. Melissa Rivers found it and told him he had to clean it up. John said Bruce Jenner was in charge of cleaning that bucket out so he had to scrub the bucket. Howard brought up how Joan Rivers had a bunch of people calling in to keep her daughter on the show. Howard said that's too bad because she'll never know what real life is like. John said that Melissa is really upset about that because it was just a rumor. John said that the people at the show told him that on the first shows she was almost voted off but then shot up to the top when Joan started having these people calling in. That led to the guys talking about Melissa and her plastic surgery. John said she claims that she's just had breast implants and Botox injections. John also told Howard that Cris Judd won that challenge by 1 million votes because people just fell in love with him. Robin said she never bothered to vote. Robin told John how bad the show was and how hard it was to watch. She said watching them live was ''death'' and there was nothing going on.
Stuttering John said a guy called in and brought up the story about Beth going out and trying on bridal gowns. John wondered if it was true that she was doing this to make Howard marry her. Howard went along with that for a few seconds and told John that he's getting married. He then told John the real story about how Beth is modeling the gowns. Howard said he's never getting married again. Robin said she thinks he will and knows how it will go. John said she told him that he will definitely marry her. He told Howard that she told him this is the same scenario that happened with Alison. She said she knows his story and that's what will happen. Robin said she's going to put all of this stuff in a time capsule and when he does marry her, she's going to pull it out and prove to him that she knew what was going to happen. Robin brought up all of the stuff Howard has said in the past about how he's not going to do this, not going to do that with Beth but he ends up doing it. He said he'd never give her a key or a drawer in his apartment. She has all of that. Howard said they have a dog now so that's why she needs the key. Howard moved on and had Robin do her news a short time after that.
Howard said they've been ripped off again, this time by ''Fear Factor.'' They take the people to Vegas and have them bet $25,000 on a hand of Blackjack, just like Howard did a couple of years ago when they were in Vegas. Howard said ''Wasn't Joe sitting next to me drunk when we were there?'' He was so Howard said ''Thanks Joe.'' Howard said they're not inviting him to go again.
Howard said he's still sick and has been wondering if someone slipped him the HIV virus or something. Artie said something like ''You know me, always the joker...''
A listener called in and said that he thinks that Howard was ripped off because he was the first one to breathe. The guy seemed to think that Howard was complaining too much about being ripped off. He did agree that the laser pointer thing on ''Are You Hot'' was really a rip off. Howard said he's suing that show because he had a deal to produce a show like that for a network that would have shown nudity and then that show came out and ripped off something he's been doing on his radio show for years. He said the show he had ready to go was canceled because of the ABC show. Howard and the guy on the phone spent a short time discussing that. Gary asked the guy why he was goofing on Howard about that ''Fear Factor'' thing. He said he was just joking and is a huge fan.
Howard said they're going to Las Vegas ''at the end of April'' and they'll be doing that famous Blackjack hand bet out there. He also said they'll have hot chicks that listeners can win dates with and stuff like that. Howard said it's a big trip for Artie because he'll be drinking and telling him how great his job is. Howard said Artie will probably be passed out on a couch somewhere instead of his bed. Howard said he also sees big losses for Artie out there in Vegas.
Double A called in and asked Howard if he submitted his top 100 hot chicks to FHM magazine. Howard said he wasn't into that whole thing so he hasn't submitted anything. Double A said he has a top ten list of his own. Here are his top ten counting down from 10:
A listener called in and asked Howard if he ever dated Amy Lynn after his divorce. Howard said he never did. The guy's accent sounded very similar to the NAMBLA guy he's played tape of. Howard had the guy say some of the lines that guy said. The guy wasn't too happy he had him doing that. He kept him going and goofed around with that for a short time. Howard said he's a casting director for NAMBLA and needs someone to replace that guy since he died. The guy said that guy sounds like a freak so he gave up on trying to repeat after Howard. Howard had Fred keep playing the clip after the guy hung up. Howard said he thought about using that as his answering machine message. He didn't think it would go over well with his daughter's friends parents if they called though.
Howard brought up the news about how the woman who was shot in Phil Spector's house may have committed suicide. They said Phil has just about been cleared in the murder. Robin said they haven't said that it was suicide yet because Phil was stun gunned when he was arrested so the cops may have a problem there. After talking about that for a minute Howard took a break.
Howard had Gary tell them about this strange deal that Tom came up with for KC. They have the winner of an Extreme Fighting championship who wants to take on KC. Tom offered KC the chance to spend 60 seconds in the ring with the guy. Howard talked about how crazy these guys are and how they use bare fists and stuff like that. Howard said they offered KC $15,000 to do the 60 seconds. Howard said he wants to see Tom do that for the same amount of money. Howard said he doesn't even want to let KC do it. KC said he's been beaten up before and he can take the 60 seconds with this guy. Howard said that $15,000 would just about cover his funeral. Stuttering John said he's trained with some of these guys and there's a good chance that KC could be killed doing that. KC was laughing during the whole discussion. He said he will do this and he knows what he's up against. John said that the plastic surgery alone will cost about $25,000 to fix.
Tom called in so Howard had some fun with him and said that he's the most despicable person he knows. He told Tom he wants to see him in the ring instead of KC. Howard mentioned that Tom is the one who punched his suit and broke his hand. Tom told Howard that this isn't going to be a real fight, it's going to be a ''demonstration'' so he's not sure KC will be hurt. One of Howard's interns came in and told Howard how tough these guys are. KC would be taking on Tito Ortiz and the guy said he's insane. Artie said all he knows is that he's going to get drunk and bet on KC to win. KC seems to think that the fight will be real even if it's just an exhibition match or a ''demonstration'' match. Howard told Tom they should have KC do all kinds of wacky stuff for that amount of money. He said they could set him on fire, inject him with an HIV infected needle or have him jump out a 20 story window. Tom said he would never put KC in a dangerous situation.
Howard said the other day he asked for some toothpicks so Jason went and asked to be reimbursed $4 since he picked them up. He was turned down by Denise who is in charge of petty cash. Tom thought it was funny too but said that the company shouldn't have to pay for Howard's toothpicks. Howard thought it might be nice for the company to just pay for some toothpicks for him. Howard said he doesn't expect them to pay for it but it would have been nice. Stuttering John came in and said that it was pretty funny that Tom said ''Why should they have to pay for his toothpicks?'' Gary said they're also arguing about who should pay for tissues there. Howard thanked Tom for all of that and told him to set something dangerous for KC out in Vegas. Howard said he wants KC to put his face in a meat slicer to see what happens.
Howard took a call from a guy who said AOL is ripping him off doing the Gossip Game like he's been doing every Friday for 6 years or more. Gary said there are a few magazines doing the same thing. The caller also asked Howard when exactly they're going to Vegas. Howard wanted Gary to give the dates but Gary said they weren't quite set yet. Howard said he's been planning his trip around the dates he was told. Stuttering John came in and said that he was told by Scott DePace that Jimmy Kimmel has a hidden scale set up just like Howard has in the studio. Howard said ''Oh no!'' when he heard that. Howard thought about it for a few seconds and said he's done with all of that when his contract is up. Gary told him he's got like 2 years and 9 months left on his current contract. Howard said he really is done. He said he doesn't want to end up like David Letterman with shingles and a heart condition.
The guy on the phone asked Howard what he thinks of Nicole Kidman. He said she doesn't seem sexy to him most of the time. He said she's ''too white'' for him. That led to Howard bringing up Renee Zellweger who gets really ''greasy'' looking sometimes. Howard also talked about how Letterman has been having guest hosts while he's out with Shingles. He said Whoopi Goldberg is one of the guest hosts and no one wants to watch when she's on. He said they're afraid to have him host the show because he'd blow away Letterman in the ratings. Howard wondered if she'd do a top ten list of reasons she should never be seen. He had a list of horrible movie's she's been in that he read as her top ten list. Howard said that Elvis Costello will also be hosting ''Late Show'' as well as Vince Vaughn. The guy on the phone asked if he could play Win Fred's Money. Howard was about to put him on hold but the guy wanted to say something about seeing Howard on TV. He said he saw him being interviewed at a party he was at a couple of weeks ago. He said that Howard shouldn't wear a suit. Howard ended up getting pissed at the guy and hung up on him so he can't play Win Fred's Money. Howard said he was going to take that guy to Vegas, let him play Win Fred's Money, put him in a movie and some other stuff... but he blew it.
Gary is doing another week's worth of ''Hollywood Squares'' this weekend. He said he's going to be on with people like Ted Danson, Martin Mull, James Van Prag, Daisy Fuentes and others. Howard said he invited Daisy to go to a party with him after his divorce. He said she showed up but wasn't interested in him. He said she was nice but she thinks she's hotter than she really is.
Gary got back to the list of people who will be on with him. He said David Brenner, Angie Dickinson, Kevin Meany and Tracy Atkinson will be on. Gary thought Tracy might be a hot chick country singer but it turned out to be a guy. Howard had to take another break after that discussion. He said they have some Gary Garver interviews to get to and Robin said she wants to talk about James Gandolfini and ''The Sopranos.''
Howard had some e-mail, tape of Gary Garver at the NAACP awards, an article about Chrissie Hynde and some other stuff. He got to the Chrissie Hynde article first. He wondered who goes to see The Pretenders anymore. He said she apparently said she hopes that the U.S. loses the war and we get a bomb dropped on us. Howard said she's gotten really odd looking these days and is starting to look like Rick Okasic. He pulled the article out and read through some of it giving some details of what she said. She apparently said that we ''deserve'' to get bombed and someone in the crowd told her to shut up and play some music. She started yelling at him and said she can do whatever she wants to do up on stage. Howard said he had her on his show and thought she was insane back then.
Howard brought up the story about James Gandolfini who wants a million bucks an episode or more to do ''The Sopranos'' for another season. Howard said the guy signed a contract and he wants them to rip it up and give him what he wants. He said that HBO is willing to give him twice what he got last season but he wants more. Howard said they don't have to renegotiate with him because he's already signed a $400,000 contract. They're willing to give him more already but he's demanding even more than they're willing to give him. Howard said when you sign a deal you're supposed to stick with it. He said when he signs a contract he gets a 5 year, secure contract. He said if he had any balls he'd do it year to year. He and Robin spent a couple of minutes discussing that. Howard said Sarah Michelle Gellar is leaving ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer'' so she can go watch movies at home. Howard said she should beg them to keep the show going so she can keep the money coming in.
Howard read through some e-mail he's gotten lately. One guy liked when Howard did the Iraqi guy hosting Letterman bit. He did that for a few seconds and read some mail about the Stuttering John controversy surrounding his 3 week vacation. Howard read through some mail about his thoughts on the war in the middle east. One e-mailer said that Robin badmouthed Catherine Zeta-Jones but Robin said she didn't know what that person was talking about. Someone e-mailed Howard about how they agree with Robin that he'll eventually marry Beth. Another person wrote in about Artie and how Dana will probably leave him after hearing the story about him crapping in his pants.
Howard finally got to the Gary Garver interviews from the NAACP Awards (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People). First up was Paula J. Parker. Howard didn't know who she was but played the interview anyway. Gary asked her who she was and what she did that made her famous. She rambled on about ''hoochie mamas'' and some other stuff. Gary also asked her if she thinks Michael Jackson is nuts. She said ''no'' and went on to say she'd have his baby. Gary asked her if she trusts Jews also. She said her date was a Jew so she brought him over and laughed as he answered the question. Gary asked her if it was okay to use the ''N-word.'' She had a whole explanation about how the word doesn't mean anything anymore and went on and on about it. Gary then asked her why so many black men marry white women. She had an opinion on that too. She said that it's a self-hate thing. She was with a white guy herself. Howard wondered if she's good looking. He said they found another chick at the awards who was the opposite of the other woman. Her name is Charisa Randall. She was angry and didn't have much to say to Gary. She didn't seem to want to talk about anything Gary asked her. She used ''God'' in a lot of her answers saying that she has no answers and she trusts God to sort things out. Gary said she'd better be hot for a guy to put up with that.
Howard asked Gary what's going on with the Judith Regan thing. Gary said she's there but she wanted Howard to pick her date. He told her she's got to do it though. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the people Judith has worked with lately. He wrote his two books for her and she works with a lot of other celebrities. Howard had to take another break before getting to that segment though.
Judith said that Howard is really a very morally centered person even though the stuff he does on the show is sometimes disgusting. He and Judith talked about that for a short time before getting to the Dial-a-Date thing.
Howard said they got a lot of people writing in about this date but they had to pick just 3. Howard said Beth read through all of them and picked the three. He brought them all in and Judith was laughing as one of the guys came in with a guitar. First up was Steven, a 32 year old from Manhattan. He started a magazine called ''Ghent'' and still works with it. He said he doesn't make a lot of money though. Howard asked him if he'd be getting a date with her to advance his career. He said ''no'' but Howard was wondering if he was telling the truth. Howard asked Judith a couple of questions about him and asked Steve some questions about his life. Steve also works in a thing called Deep Dish Cabaret which sounded kind of gay to Howard. Steve told him that it's a variety show that runs in private spaces. He said he's not a gay man. Howard asked him a few more questions about his magazine ''Ghent'' and what that's all about. He said they publish letters from famous people. He said they have a whopping 250 subscribers at this time. He said it costs him money, he doesn't make any. He said he has a mundane day job scanning legal documents at a law office during the day. He said he doesn't make a lot doing that but it's not just a Xeroxing job. Judith said he has a passion to publish letters and that's a beginning. Howard told Steve to describe what his date would consist of to Judith. He said he'd expose her to something that she's not used to seeing. He said he'd bring her to a bar for some beers and stuff like that. He said he'd also like to bring her to TGI Friday's or something like that.
Howard introduced Joe next. He's a 39 year old from the city. He's been married before and divorced. Howard asked him some questions about the failed marriage. He said he was married for 9 years and has a son. Joe works for the New York Sanitation department as a heavy equipment operator. Howard asked him about how hard it is to find women. Joe was having a tough time talking so Howard goofed on him a little bit about that. Howard figured that Joe is a garbage man. Joe said there are other jobs that he does but he is a garbage man too. Howard asked him if he has any publishing jobs on the side. He said he doesn't have anything like that going on. Judith asked him some questions about what he reads trying to find out what he's interested in. Howard said he'd better be ''...hung like a Central Park horse.'' Howard had him describe what his date would be like with Judith. He said he'd like to take her out for drinks and it was kind of hard to come up with anything else at the time. Howard told him to say he'd lick her boots and bang her very hard.
Howard introduced Jean Luc who runs a restaurant of the same name in the city. Howard asked him if he was doing okay with the restaurant. He said he's doing okay with it but not that great. He said he's 36 years old. Howard asked him if he ever noticed her in his restaurant. He said he did see her and was almost paralyzed by her beauty. He sweet talked her a little bit. He said he's never been married but does date a lot. He said he's never found a woman who hit the right buttons for him. Howard read a note that Jean Luc wrote to them about Judith. He talked about her good looks and how he'd massage her neck after dinner. He said he has no cooking abilities, he just puts the show together. Howard had him tell Judith what he'd like from her. He was the one with the guitar so Howard had him play his short song. He sat in the Tickle chair as he played his own version of Van Halen's ''Ice Cream Man.'' Howard goofed on him a little bit and asked him to never play another Van Halen song again.
Howard wrapped up the interviews and summarized each of the guy's with Judith. He then had her pick the guy she wanted to date. Judith ended up picking Jean Luc after a long thought process. She asked if she could date all three but Howard made her pick just one. The two of them kissed after she made her pick. Howard gave Steve a $500 prize for coming in. The prize was courtesy of ''Willard'' the movie. He did the same for Joe. Jean Luc said he was in shock that he got picked. Howard wrapped up the interview after a couple more minutes talking to the two of them.
After that Howard had some Rock and Roll Hall of Fame clips to play. He had Neil Young's anti-war speech that he played. He also had some guy by the name of Steve Nieve from Elvis Costello's band who had some anti-war stuff to say. After that they had Steven Tyler from Aerosmith introducing AC/DC. That led to Artie singing some AC/DC songs. Some of the lyrics in one of the songs were in question so Howard and Artie tried to figure out if it was ''She's a nigga on a one way ride'' or ''She's a ticket on a one way ride.'' Robin insisted it wasn't ''nigga.'' Howard had a live version of the song and in that one, Brian Johnson says ''ticket.'' In the studio version it sounded like ''nigga.'' Howard played some AC/DC for a few minutes and goofed around with that for a while.
Howard played a couple more clips from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame thing and then brought in Colin Quinn who was supposed to sit in for a while. The guys were talking about The Clash and asked Colin if he knew who they were. Colin said he knew them but when they hit big he was into The Marshall Tucker band. He said he was a real ''square'' at the time. A short time later Chaunce Hayden called in to tell Howard how great The Clash was. He said they were the greatest rock band that ever lived. Howard said he didn't think they were that great. Howard played a couple more clips from the award show while Colin sat in. They goofed on some of the artists who made speeches. They goofed on Bono of the band U2 and others. They also spent some time talking about Elvis Presley. Howard said he listened to those albums when he was a kid but never thought he was that great. Robin had Howard play some more clips from the show. He had some Elvis Costello performing and some other quick clips that they goofed on.
Howard asked Colin where he stands on the upcoming Iraq war. Colin said that it's not even a war, it's an intervention. He and Howard talked about how it's just a ''clean up effort'' or an ''intervention.'' Robin just wanted them to play some more clips from the award show.
Billy Joel made some jokes about his car accident and said that all of the trees on Long Island had better watch out.
Howard gave Colin a plug for his Comedy Central show ''Tough Crowd'' which airs nightly Monday trough Thursday at 11:30pm. Howard spent a minute talking about that. Colin made a joke about the bands that he likes but Howard wanted him to talk about what he really likes. He never did get around to it. Howard gave him some plugs for some comedy show's he's doing. He said he'll be at Carolines on Broadway from Thursday to Sunday this week. He'll also be at Carnegie Hall on March 27th.
Robin had Howard play some more clips from the Hall of Fame show before they had to take another break.
After the break Howard said they were badmouthing some people who think they're funny but aren't. They didn't mention any names though. Howard brought up Jerry Seinfeld's name and asked Colin if he's hung out with him since he had his last kid. Colin said he hasn't done that but Jerry is happy with his marriage. Howard talked about that friendship for a short time and then mentioned that he's going to be in Nick DiPaolo's wedding party. Howard wondered why he'd be in that wedding. Colin said he'd be afraid of Nick's reaction if he said ''no'' to him. The guys talked about how they hate being in wedding parties like that. Colin said he's not sure what he's going to be doing in the wedding party. He said that Nick's fiancee was bugging him about getting his tux fitted the night of his new show starting. Howard wondered why Nick is getting married at all. He said he doesn't want to be married. Colin sarcastically said that Nick is the type of guy who is supposed to be married, he's a loving guy.
At one point Colin was talking about relationships so Howard asked him if he was into guys again. Colin said he's off of that but the public still comes up to him after hearing the gay stories he told. He said he did one show where he talked about how he used to let his cat lick his private parts. That led to a long discussion about that. Colin said a little warm milk did the trick and he'd let it lick him. He said he was a young kid when that happened. Howard said after that he went to guys. He asked Colin if he's sticking to just chicks these days. When he said he was, Howard sounded surprised. Robin asked Colin how long he was with the cats. Colin told her that his sister is going to kill him. Howard started digging into details and asked how that worked. Colin said he had to wait for everyone to leave and he'd sit on the bed while he did it. He said he'd look at the cat and get sexually excited. He'd then take off his underwear and let the cat lick him. He said he was very resourceful and would use peanut butter on his package to get the cat to lick him. He said he used to talk about that in his act and thought it was something that a lot of people did. Howard and Robin ended up asking him if he wanted to be a father some day. He said he might do that. Artie asked him if he thinks he could stay with one cat for the rest of his life. The guys were saying that Colin raped the cat but he didn't like the word ''rape.'' He said he didn't rape it, he just let it lick stuff off him. Howard told Colin that Robin has eight cats and he perked up and said ''Do you really?'' Artie said Robin is like a madam to Colin with the 8 cats. Howard wondered if Comedy Central will reprimand him after hearing that story. Colin said everyone does stuff like that when they're growing up. Artie said ''Jon Stewart never banged a cat.'' Howard said Regis Philbin and Jerry Seinfeld never did a cat either. Howard asked Colin if he pet the cat while it was doing it's thing. Howard also wondered if it was a female or male cat. Colin said he's pretty sure it was female. Howard said ''Alright, so it wasn't weird..'' and laughed as he said it. Colin joked that he'd get the cat and put on a little Marshall Tucker band. Artie kiddingly said he's going to try it this afternoon. Howard asked Colin if he ever went to confession with that story. He said he never did.
Howard spent a couple more minutes with Colin talking to him about the Nick DiPaolo wedding. Colin said he had to get going before Robin did her news so he could go do some other shows. Howard told Colin he likes his openness about the stuff he's talking about. Howard said he might have to go see Colin's stand-up act. He asked Colin what he talks about in his act these days. Colin said he talks about ''human behavior'' but the guys didn't seem to get it. He had to keep telling them over and over again that it's ''human behavior.'' Howard asked Colin who he's dating these days. He said he's dating a woman but Howard wondered if it was a cat or not. Howard asked him if he's dated anyone famous. Artie started laughing and said he probably dated Morris the Cat from those TV commercials. Howard wrapped up the interview a few seconds later and took a break before getting to Robin's news.
Artie went to see AC/DC last night at Roseland in New York City. He told Howard they were unbelievable. Howard was surprised that they did such a small venue. They're not on tour, they just did the small venue. Artie said there were no cannons going off during the concert. He said they sounded awesome though. Artie said he went with Brian from E! and Jim Florentine. After the concert they went to Scores for a few hours. Robin wondered if he even went home after that. Artie said he did go home though. Howard said that used to be Ralph's move. He used to stay out all night at Scores and he'd be really tired when he came in the next morning.
Howard said he's going to the doctor today because he's still sick and he's not able to exercise. He said he's been eating a lot to try and get better and he's up over 200 pounds again. He said he hasn't been that heavy in a long time. He and Artie got back to the AC/DC discussion for a few seconds and then brought up this band TaTu. He said the two singers make out during one of their songs and when they were on The Tonight Show the other night, they cut away when they started kissing. Howard said the girls are very snotty during interviews and have a very arrogant attitude. He said they're Russian and think they're better than everyone. They heard that the girls aren't really gay though and just do it for attention.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said you're supposed to ''Feed a fever and starve a cold.'' Howard and Robin had been thinking that it was ''feed a cold.'' That's why Howard was eating and gaining weight. Howard said that Artie should be the one who is sick because he was out all night. He took another call from a guy who told Howard Gary was wrong about Adam Duritz and Michelle Branch. It's actually Vanessa Carlton. Another caller told Howard that The Late Show was great without David Letterman last night. He suggested that Howard do a guest hosting gig on the show. Howard said he doesn't have time to do that he has too many other things going on and doesn't have time to concentrate on something like that,. He said he would be able to beat the other shows if he could concentrate on just that show. He said he was able to beat Saturday Night Live with his syndicated TV show. He talked about how great of an interviewer he is and how terrific a performer he is. Howard said that he makes more money for the company that Letterman does but Letterman makes more money than him. He said it doesn't make sense.
Howard eventually moved on and played some AC/DC for Artie to sing along to. Artie did his impression and Howard said when they go to Vegas they'll have Artie just stand up on stage saying all kinds of weird stuff instead of singing the song. Howard said he could just start yelling out his food orders. Artie tried that out and had Howard laughing pretty hard.
Howard took a call from another guy who wondered what station Howard would work for if he did a TV talk show. Howard said he's not doing one so he didn't have an answer. Howard talked about how lame those shows are. He Letterman is good at doing those lame interviews.
A listener called in and told Howard he may have allergies to his new dog. Howard didn't think he was right because he thought it was wattery eyes and sneezing that you get. The caller said that it can be other symptoms too though. The ''Starve a cold, feed a fever'' debate was still going on. The caller told Howard that the other guy was wrong about it being Feed a cold, starve a fever. Howard said they found it on a Gerber web site and it's definitely ''Starve a cold, feed a fever.'' Howard took a break shortly after that discussion.
After the break Howard came back to some music that he was singing along to. It was a loop of the opening of P.O.D.'s ''Alive.'' Howard said it's a great song but the loop they were playing was just music. He played with that for a few seconds and then played some more AC/DC for Artie to sing along to. After playing with that for a few seconds, Howard said they still have to find a song to play when they go up against Chris Jericho in a battle of the bands. Howard said he doesn't think he'll be doing ''Big Yellow Taxi'' like Adam Duritz from Counting Crows. He played a little bit of that song and said the guy has a great voice. Howard said that a lot of people don't know that's a remake of a Joanie Mitchell song. He said he tried to find a copy of her album but all he could find was ''Big Yellow Taxi'' that was on the ''Friends'' album. It wasn't even her original version though. It was a bad remix of the song.
Howard talked about the battle of the bands and wrestler Chris Jericho who they'll be taking on. They said they could take on a bunch of other wrestlers and Artie mentioned the guy with Tourette's. Howard goofed on that guy for a few seconds. Howard said he was listening to some Type O Negative songs to figure out something they could perform against Chris Jericho's band. He said they've covered a lot of old songs like ''Cinnamon Girl,'' ''Summer Breeze'' and others. He played some of those two songs and thought ''Summer Breeze'' was a little too slow. They also did ''Back in the USSR'' but as soon as Howard heard it, he said they're not doing that one. Howard played Type O Negative's cover of ''Day Tripper'' and seemed to like that one a little bit better than the others. He played their cover of ''Iron Man'' also. He said when they take on Chris Jericho's band they should light off a cannon in the studio and see what happens. Howard said Type O Negative covers a lot of old songs. He interrupted that discussion to talk about last night's ''American Idol'' and how bad it's gotten. He said the only thing good about the show is the judge with the opinions (Simon Cowell). He brought up some of the stuff that went on during last night's 2 hour special and how bad it was. Howard said Simon gets booed when he tries to give his opinion and it ruins the show. Gary said that Paula Abdul gets so ''bunched up'' sometimes that all she can do is make noises, she can't even speak. The guys goofed on that for a few seconds before getting back to the Type O Negative stuff. Howard played some quick clips of them covering ''Light My Fire'' and Jimi Hendrix's ''Hey Joe.'' Howard said he loves those guys and doesn't know why they're not bigger. Howard thought Type O covered some Spice Girls song but when he started playing it, it was actually the Spice Girls. He didn't know why he had it in the player though. Someone reminded him that they had Geri Halliwell from the Spice Girls coming in later.
Artie told Howard about some of the other stuff that happened at the AC/DC concert last night. He talked about the crowd and the guys in the band who are so short. Howard had a live version of ''Dirty Deeds'' which sounded just like Artie described. They played with that for a short time before taking another break.
Howard said he was reading an article the other day about a Congressman by the name of James Moran from Virginia who was badmouthing the Jews. He said the guy apologized after saying some stuff about them. Howard read the article and it said that Moran was blaming the Jews for this upcoming war against Iraq. Howard thought the guy's name sounded familiar so they searched for him in their archives. It turns out he was demanding that the FCC fine Howard more money for stuff that they were fining him for. Howard said this is the guy who's yelling about him when he's out there yelling about the Jews. Howard said it's just another enemy of the Howard Stern Show who's been taken down a notch. Howard said you'd think that the guy could rise above his petty comments and not say such stupid things. Howard said the funny thing is that his last name is ''moron.''
Howard brought up a story about coach Bobby Knight who rejected his $250,000 salary because his team did so poorly this season. Howard played an audio clip of the guy freaking out and yelling at his team. Howard said he loves that guy. KC came in and said he heard that the guy once came out of the bathroom with a used piece of toilet paper and told the team ''That's what you're playing like!''
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Congressman Moran thing again. Howard ended up talking about how it's not just the Jews that are hated here, it's all American's. Journalist Debbie Schlussel (DebbieSchlussel.com) called in to give Howard some facts about James Moran. She told Howard about some stuff that the guy has been involved with over the years. Debbie also had some stuff to say about the Iraq war. Howard wondered if her lecture was over and cut her off. Howard said he saw Debbie on some interview show recently and she never stops talking. She was talking over the other person so much that they couldn't even get their thoughts out. Howard said Debbie needs to get laid. He told Debbie that semen is nature's valium. He said that Robin comes in after getting laid sometimes and is very mellow and happy. Howard said something about James Moran being a bad dude so Debbie started rambling again. Howard interrupted her again and said that his friend Matthew Snyder was traded last night to Detroit's hockey team. He spent a few seconds on that before Gary came in and told Howard that Geri Halliwell was there. Howard asked Gary how she was looking. He said she was pretty skinny and didn't look too bad. Howard wondered if she was going to be yelling ''Girl Power'' again like the Spice Girls did the last time they were in. Howard said he'd take a break and then talk to her.
Howard brought up Geri leaving the Spice Girls and asked her about that. She said she'd just had enough of that and she wasn't enjoying it anymore. She wouldn't say who it was that was driving her nuts though. She said she's much happier now. Robin said that when she did leave the band, she went running off to England's Howard Stern Clone, Chris Evans. He wondered why she did that. She said they did date for a while but not successfully. She said she didn't ''run to him'' but did date him. Howard read that Geri was worth $25 million a few years ago. She said that was a little exaggerated though. Howard and Geri ended up talking about his divorce and how he lost half his money in that. He told her he'll never marry again though. Geri asked Benjy some questions for some reason. Howard read that at one point Geri was working topless doing glamour modeling. She said she didn't do porn or anything like that.
Geri said she saw in the news today that he'll be doing a cartoon. Howard told her about the ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' cartoon. He started to tell her about the cartoon but she asked him when his first kiss was. He ended up telling her that he got laid for the first time at 16. She asked him what her name was and stuff like that. Howard interrupted her again and asked her about her vomiting. She was doing that to lose weight but she said she actually gained weight doing that. Howard asked her how she made herself vomit and wanted her to demonstrate. She said she would eat a lot and throw it up. She'd stick her finger down her throat to make herself puke. She said she was suffering from Anorexia and Bulimia. She said that it's really not good. Howard asked her if she cut herself with razor blades and stuff like that. She said she didn't and asked Howard and Robin if they ever had problems like that. They haven't.
Howard read that Geri dated Eminem but she said that was absolutely not true. She said a lot of stuff appears in the papers that isn't true. She said she is very picky and doesn't date a lot. She said she wants someone trustworthy and equal to her. Howard asked her if she's ever had lesbian sex. She said she did do it once but discovered it's not her thing. She wouldn't say who it was either. She wouldn't even say if it was a famous person or not. Howard asked if it was Queen Elizabeth. Howard asked her when it happened but all she would say is that it was between the ages of 16 and 30. She asked Howard if he's ever kissed a boy. Howard said ''no'' because it's not his thing.
Geri and Howard talked about how skinny he is. Howard just wanted to get back to the lesbian stuff. She didn't want to talk about it though. She wouldn't say if she kissed the other woman down below. Robin asked her if the other woman was a lesbian. Geri said she doesn't think she was. Howard asked her when the last time was that another man gave it to her hard. She wasn't talking and ended up asking Howard who he's banging these days. He told her about Beth. When he told Geri that he's 49 years old she said his skin looks very good for a guy his age. Howard kept trying to get back to when she last got laid. She said it was a while ago. She said she got a kiss from a guy this year but it was just some tongue kissing. Howard asked her if she pleasures herself ever. She said she really doesn't do that. She said she hasn't had an orgasm in quite a while. Howard couldn't believe that she doesn't pleasure herself. She said she'd rather go without than do that. Howard told her what he'd do to her sexually if he could get her. Fred played a vibrator sound effect in the background as he described it. Geri interrupted him again and asked him where he lives and where he was originally from. He quickly told her and then got to the TV show plugs.
Geri talked about ''All American Girl'' and the fact that she's still doing music. She told Howard what ''All American Girl'' is all about. She described it and it sounded like a Miss America pageant mixed with ''American Idol.'' She said they taped the auditions for it but the show will be live and the public will get to vote. Howard told her he's burned out on all of these reality TV shows. The show premieres tonight at 9pm on ABC. Geri said she's not really a ''judge'' on the show, she's more of a ''coach.'' She told Howard who some of the other coaches were and talked about the show for a couple of minutes.
Howard asked Geri who her celebrity friends are. She said she's friends with George Michael and some other's like Tony Blair. She looked like she was in good shape according to Howard. He asked her what she does to keep in shape. She said she does Yoga and even did the splits for him. Howard said he liked her tattoo and said she was cute.
Gary came in and asked her some questions about stuff he read about her. He asked her if it was true that she once went through George Michael's garbage pail when she had her eating disorder. She said she did do that one time. Howard started to wrap up the interview after that. Gary told Geri that they have this really famous bra wall (that they're just starting) and wondered if she'd leave her bra. She said she needs that bra and wouldn't give it up.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to know if Geri was into anal sex. She said she wasn't. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time after that.
Howard said he heard that Tom Chiusano is hurt by some of the stuff he was saying about him yesterday. Tom was going to set up KC to fight an ultimate fighting champ and Howard called him ''dispicable'' more than a few times. Tom eventually came in and discussed that for a couple of minutes. He told Howard he's not dispicable and defended what he had planned for KC. KC told Howard he agreed to do the fight so it's no all Tom's fault. They spent a couple of minutes discussing that with Tom. A little later Howard mentioned that Scott the Engineer was denied a two percent raise recently. Tom apparently told Scott that ''times are tough'' and they couldn't afford to give him a raise. Meanwhile, their parent company, Viacom, had record earnings for the fourth quarter last year. Scott came in to talk about that a little bit. He told Howard that it goes beyond that raise, there are other things that he didn't want to talk about. The guys goofed on Scott a little bit because the union he's in there at the station now only consists of him and Steve the Engineer.
While they were talking to Scott KC reminded Howard of a game they had to play. Howard had a guy on the phone so he told him about the game. KC said there's this porn star by the name of Michael J. Cox who is writing a book about having sex with straight guys. He made an offer to any straight guy who wanted to have sex with him. He said he'd give that person $250,000. The guys decided to ask some people if they'd be willing to do that for that amount of money. One of those people was Scott the Engineer. Howard told the guy on the phone that if he guessed the answer correctly he'd win $500. They taped his answer so they played it for the game. At first Scott says ''You guys have to be kidding..'' but soon says that he would take it up the ass for $250,000. The guy on the phone didn't get the right answer. They had a couple of other people they asked so Howard let him play for them. Jeff the Drunk and Gary the Retard were up next. Everyone knew Jeff would say ''no'' to that and they were right. Gary the Retard, on the other hand, was a different story. KC had called Gary and asked him if he'd let a guy violate him for a quarter of a million bucks. Gary thought about it and said he really needs that money. After talking to KC for a couple of minutes he said that he would be willing to do it even though it would be weird because he's never had sex with a guy before. Everyone seemed pretty surprised at his answer.
Howard spent a couple more minutes goofing on Tom but then started talking to Scott the Engineer about this gay sex thing and whether or no he was serious about it. Scott said that he would do it right there in the studio if they came up with the money. Howard took that as a challenge and started talking about doing a pay-per-view event surrounding the concept. He said they could find a guy who ram Scott in the rear and they'd pay him the $250,000. The guys were all talking about how they could do the pay-per-view and Scott seemed to be changing his mind. He thought they were just going to do it right there in the studio, not on TV. Howard said they should get Ron Jeremy to do the banging.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Howard's radio station has to let him do it because it's an equal rights thing. Tom doesn't want him doing it there in the studio so he'll have to find somewhere else to do it. During all of this Fred was playing wrestler Goldust clips where he goes ''Oo, oo, oo'' and other odd sounds. He also played some fart sound effects. Howard described to Scott what he was planning and told him he could take it or leave it. They're going to make a whole party out of it. Artie said he'd do his impression of Brian Johnson and do the intros for the special. The sex is only supposed to last 2 minutes. Scott told Howard he'll do it. Howard asked Tom if he wanted to be part of it but he kept saying ''no'' to him. Howard said he won't do it there because Tom won't get them a sponsor. Howard said he thinks that Tom is prejudiced against gay people.
Stuttering John wondered who gets to pick the guy who's going to bang Scott. Howard said that will be part of the special. The first part of the show will be them picking that guy. Artie said he had 2 words for him... Mark Harris. Howard asked Scott if he thought his wife would let him do it. No one thought she would. Fred played some Mark Harris music clips and played the ''Uh, uh'' sound effects Goldust the Tourette's guy.
Vinnie Favale called in and said that he could make this happen on DirecTV with just one phone call. Howard told him to go ahead and do it. Howard was still thinking that Scott's wife wouldn't allow it. Scott said he's already a laughing stock so it doesn't make any difference. A listener called in and said he has ''9 inches of Conga'' to offer up. Howard put him on hold to let him be part of the selection process. Scott was getting upset that they were changing stuff. Howard said he was shocked that he was even agreeing to do it in the first place. Gary was ready to put money on whether or not Scott's wife would say ''no'' to him by tomorrow. The guys also wondered what his son would think of this and how it would effect his school life. They all had fun thinking about what might happen after he does it.
Tom said he won't even watch this special if it happens. Howard wondered if anyone would tune in to see Scott get it in the rear. KC told Scott that this was very gay and he'd never do anything like that. Howard had Scott DePace come in because he seems a bit homophobic. DePace said he has a price that's not quite as high as some of the guys were saying earlier. Gary said he might do something like that for a billion dollars but nothing less.
Howard took a call from Double A who said it sounded like the best Las Vegas show ever. Howard said he's not sure he's going to do this at that time though. Double A said that no amount of money should turn a guy into a homo. Howard's buddy Ralph called in and told Scott that Stuttering John got $100,000 just for boxing. Ralph said he will definitely watch the special though. Howard had to take a break after talking about that for a while.
After the break Howard continued the discussion. A caller wondered what happens if Scott backs out before the two minutes is up. Howard wasn't sure how they'd handle that. Howard said he's going to call Artie ''Brian Johnson from now on and he can just yell out ''Fire'' like he'd been doing all morning. Howard wanted to call Scott's wife before getting to Doug E. He called and left a message for her to call him back. He told her he found a way for Scott to make $250,000 in two minutes. He moved on to Doug E the Limbless Rapper after leaving the message.
Doug said people are amazed when he starts busting lyrics up on stage. He's a white dude and learned how to rhyme from his buddy Jermaine. Howard asked Doug how many chicks he's banged in his life. He said it's just one and they just broke up yesterday. He said he does try to get chicks and he has a lot of confidence. His buddies told Howard that he draws better than they do even though he doesn't have any hands or arms. Doug said he uses his shoulder and neck to hold his writing instrument.
Doug said he can get out of his wheelchair and do some break dancing. Howard wanted to see that so he had him get down on the floor to demonstrate for a few seconds. Howard then let Doug do some freestyle rap. He did a couple minutes of that and said he hopes there are some record companies out there listening. They're trying to get a record deal. Howard played some of their music and said they sound just as good as ''these other guys'' out there today. In the song Howard was playing Doug sang something about smoking pot. He said he never does that, it was just for the song. Howard said if he was him, he'd be smoking every day.
Howard gave Doug's band The Akolytes a plug. They have a web site at Akolytes.com. His buddies said he put the web site together himself. Howard wrapped up the segment shortly after that and took another break.
Howard got back to Scott the Engineer and talked about how his wife probably won't let him do this ass ramming thing. Howard and the guys talked about what a pussy Scott is and said he really has to do whatever he wants. Howard said it is, technically, cheating.
Ronnie the Limo Driver says there's absolutely no way Scott's wife will let him do this thing. He came in and reminded everyone that his wife didn't even want him to go to a NASCAR driving school. Howard asked Scott if this is something he's thought about trying before. Scott said he never has thought about it. He said it's a one time thing. Fred kept throwing in the Goldust Tourette's sound effects which sound kind of like a guy having sex. Howard said they should also have a live audience for this thing. Scott started to get upset about ''changes'' again so the guys thought that maybe his wife had gotten hold of him. Scott started to say that he needs more money to do this if it's for pay-per-view. Howard told him the deal was off but after some discussion they both changed their minds. Howard reminded Scott of what he agreed to earlier. Ronnie told Howard that Scott must have gotten ''the phone call'' from his wife. Scott said he really didn't. Ralph and Vinnie Favale called in to talk to Scott about what he was going to be doing. Howard told the guys he didn't want to try and convince Scott to do anything He just wanted Scott to do what he wanted to do.
Scott's wife Robin called in to talk about this. She didn't know what was going on so Howard explained it to her. When she heard the dollar amount, she said she didn't have a problem with it! She said the money goes right into her pocket when he gets it. She said if he ever has to go for a hemorrhoidectomy, she wouldn't be there for him. Howard then asked Scott if he was in. Scott said he was in and ready to do it. Howard said he'd make some calls today and get back to Scott by Friday. The guys asked Scott how much more money it would take to get him to do this ''bareback.'' Scott said the other guy has to wear a condom, he's not going to let him go in without one. Howard and the guys goofed on him for a couple of minutes. Stuttering John said there's this thing called a Houdini where the guy would spit on Scott's back before he was done and when Scott turns his head to look back, the guy finishes in his face.
Howard said it's going to be a tough call to make today when he calls his agent. He said it's going to be tough to tell his agent he wants to do this with his career.
Scott's wife called in again and said the other guy has to wear a condom. The guys continued to talk about this whole thing and goofed on Scott for a few more minutes. They were trying to figure out the logistics of the whole thing. They wondered when the 2 minutes would start and stuff like that. Howard said he had a name for the pay-per-view event... ''Jungle in the Bungle.'' Fred said they could call it ''Rumble in the Bunghole'' and Artie said it could simply be ''Scott Gets Banged.''
Howard said they have a great new game today as well as Sandra Bernhard coming in later. Howard took an early break after mentioning that stuff.
After the break Howard and Artie were playing with some AC/DC songs. Artie was doing his impression of Brian Johnson again. Howard brought up some concerts he's been to over the years. He brought up one where he went to see Low Fidelity All Stars and the concert sucked. He said one guy just goes up and plays records on stage. Howard said the kids at the concert just stare at the guy. At one point one of the guy's buddies went up and lit a cigarette and the kids went nuts. Howard said he was there with his daughter and the newspaper reported he was there with a ''hot brunette'' the next day. Artie said he ran into Richard Johnson from Page Six at the AC/DC concert and he gave him a free drink card. That led to Howard talking about how he's no longer drinking during the week.
Howard said he went to the doctor about this cold that he's had for months now. He said the doctor asked him when he was coming in for his colonoscopy. He's in no rush to do that. The doctor told him that it is possible that he's allergic to his dog but they're not going to test that for another couple of months. Howard said he doesn't want to be allergic to the dog. He said he won't take allergy pills if he is allergic. He joked that he'd put her to sleep if he is allergic. He said he doesn't think that's the problem though. The doctor told him to go ahead and start working out again. He's not that sick that he can't do anything like that.
Howard went on to talk about the Scott the Engineer thing. He said he put off the call to his agent because it was embarrassing. He said he hoped that Don would heard about it from someone else before he called. Howard explained what happened with Scott again and said that Scott sees it as 5 years of salary for him. Howard said everyone he talked to said they would pay for it on pay-per-view. He figured he could do it right there in the studio. He said they're not going to see the action going down. He just wants to see Scott's face as it's happening. Howard said they probably show more on HBO's ''Queer as Folk.'' Robin said they showed hands going toward bulges in the latest episode of that show. Howard said it would be considered ''soft core'' at the most if they do it. Howard and Robin tried to figure out if it's really soft-core or not. Robin said in real pornos there may not be actual insertion. Howard said in some porn there probably is insertion that you just don't see.
Howard said he laid out the whole special for his agent Don Buchwald. He said it would start off with a name like ''American Anal'' and they'd introduce the show saying that America would be voting to see who would give a straight man anal sex. He explained the whole concept to Don and described that conversation to us. Artie would be doing his Brian Johnson impression. Scott the Engineer's wife and son would be in the front row of the crowd. He said they'd have Mark Harris do the National Anthem and then they'd pick the guy who was going to give Scott the anal. They'd tally the votes and move on to the main event with Michael Buffer doing the announcing. Scott would be behind a curtain and we'd see his face during the two minutes worth of anal sex he's going to take for the $250,000.
Howard said he doesn't believe that Scott would actually do that. Buchwald said he got a call from the pay-per-view people and were wondering what they had up their sleeve. Vinnie Favale called in and said that he spoke to some people and they have no problem with the idea. He said they'll even show the penis judging if they want. The pay-per-view people apparently said that they don't know how to market this thing so it would be up to Howard to do all of that. Howard said he would go on Leno and Letterman to market it if has to. He said they'll also give Howard a better cut of the pay-per-view money instead of the 50/50 they usually do. This is for DirecTV so Howard wondered if everyone would be able to get it. Vinnie said they have 11 million subscribers. Howard isn't sure if he wants to do that or go with cable. Vinnie said he has to do it now or it'll never happen. Vinnie said the woman he spoke to said it was very interesting and she could take it to her bosses. Vinnie suggested that Howard sell the special to Showtime after the pay-per-view. Howard said he'd even sell it to Showtime to start with because everyone would be able to get it that way. Vinnie said that this isn't a big deal for gay guys who do this every day but for people who aren't gay, ''Wow! This is a big deal!''
Scott the Engineer came in to talk about this so Howard said he'd better not find out that he's been having anal all along. Scott said there's no anal going on with him. Howard asked him what happened with his wife when he went home. He said she has no problem with it and the money is already spent. Howard asked Scott what happened when he got home. He said she wondered what happened and he told her what was going on. Howard wondered if she's just completely bored with him and that's why this isn't a big deal. Howard also found out that Scott's wife explained to their son about what was going to happen. Scott said she explained the whole thing to him and he thought it was going to be a strap-on. She explained that it was being done for the money and they really need it. Scott said that his son suggested that he do the 2 minutes for $250,000 and for every minute after that he gets another $100,000. Howard said the two minutes is plenty. Gary came in and said that he really doesn't know Scott after all of these years. He also said that Stuttering John said ''Scott's family is like The Munsters.'' Howard told Scott he just has to get the pay-per-view people to go along with it. He said he might have to take out insurance just in case Scott backs out. Scott told Howard that he'd like to offer his bald forehead for advertising. He said he'd auction off that space. Howard said Scott may enjoy this so much that he'd want to keep going for free after the two minutes.
Howard explained how this all came about with the game that KC played yesterday. KC interviewed Scott, Gary the Retard and Jeff the Drunk about whether or not they'd be willing to take anal from a guy for $250,000. Jeff the Drunk was the only one who said he wouldn't do it. Howard replayed the tape of Gary the Retard saying that he would do it. He'd played that one yesterday as a game. Gary only agreed to do it because of the money. Gary kept saying that he never had sex with a guy before. Robin wondered if he's ever even had sex with a woman. Howard said he doesn't think he has had either.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard should do this thing down in Atlantic City as a live event. Howard said that way he wouldn't have to do it as a pay-per-view event. Howard said he could video tape it and sell it as a video afterward. Howard said he could do it when they go out to Vegas in April. He said he needs a big stadium to hold it in. He needs a 70,000 seat stadium for this. Gary said that Giants Stadium holds 78,000 or so. Upstate there's a stadium that will hold over 100,000 people. Howard said he should just rent out Giants Stadium for a day to do this. Gary said that's exactly the way to go. The stadium is outdoors so even if it rains they're going to do it.
Gary said Tom is bummed out about the whole thing and thinks they're talking about it too much. Howard told Tom to shut up and that he still doesn't know what radio show they have on the station. Howard wondered if they could mike the stadium correctly for something like that. He said they'd have the place echoing for every sound. Howard said he'd like to get Marv Albert down there to announce for them.
Wayne Siegel from Legend Porsche Audi called in and said he'd take out some sponsorship on the event. Howard said they could hide some keys inside Scott and do a whole promotion around that. Gary Garver called in and told Howard that there is a stadium out in Vegas that holds 35,000 people. He also told Scott he's nuts to do this. Scott said there was no stadium until 2 minutes before then. He said Howard just keeps making it bigger and bigger. Stuttering John wondered if Scott can get drunk before this event. Howard told him he has to be straight because he doesn't want him coming back and saying that he was raped at a later date. Howard wondered how Scott's son is going to handle this in school. Scott said his son can handle himself and anyone who approaches him, he can take care of.
Stuttering John asked Scott if he's ever had a colonoscopy before and how painful that was. Scott said he has had them. Howard told Scott this is someone doing that repeatedly. Howard said some women do it so how bad could it be? Howard said women don't have prostates though. He wondered what would happen if Scott orgasmed because his prostate was being hit. Scott didn't seem to be worried about any of that.
Artie said he and John shared a cab yesterday and laughed their asses off for a few minutes about the whole thing. Howard said he was walking around all alone laughing his ass off. Scott said he really doesn't think this is a big deal. Everyone else does. John and Gary said their wives are wondering what the hell is going on with the show when they hear stuff like that. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard said during the break Tom came in to lecture him about how he's spending too much time talking about Scott's anal thing. Howard said now Tom is on the war path about this and won't let it go. Howard said Tom has been coming in early and it's annoying him. He said he doesn't want to see Tom during the show. He said he needs another studio if he's going to last another two years. Howard and Artie said when a co-worker like Scott agrees to do something like that, it's not something you gloss over.
Howard said they are working on the Scott the Engineer thing. He said he asked Scott if he's really going to go through with it during the break and he says he is going to do it.
Howard took a call from a woman who claims she was picked to be part of some challenge and she needs Donald Trump and Howard to help her out with something. It turns out the woman is a kook who calls the show every day. Howard said she must be mentally ill and he feels sorry for her. She asked if she could come down to meet him and he said he'd let her come down anytime. He decided to give her the phone number for Tom so she can just bug him from now on. He gave her the number (212) 314-9231 and told her to ask for Tom when she calls. He said Tom would transfer her to him. Howard spent a short time goofing around with that.
Howard got back to the Scott the Engineer thing and said they should create an Woodstock like gathering that they could call Assstock. Howard was ready to create new lyrics for the ''Woodstock'' song. The guys started thinking of more people they could invite to the event. Howard sang some of the lyrics to his new song parody but he only had a line or two ready.
Tom came in and complained about Howard giving out his number to that woman who called in. He said ''You suck'' in his usual monotone voice. Tom said he wasn't even going to answer his phone. Howard told him to stay busy with something other than his show. He said there's no way to get rid of that guy. He said Tom has figured out a way to drain him.
Howard said his agent asked him if he's done with radio in 2 and a half years. Howard said he is but he may be interested in Satellite radio. He said that way he'd have no problems with the FCC. He complained about Tom's censoring and how awful that is.
Howard said Mariah Carey was on some TV show and you could see her poon tang. He said they had to put a coat over her on the show she was on. Howard said he wasn't sure of the name of the magazine that had the pictures though. Howard said there was also a picture of Eminem's father in a magazine but he didn't know which one that was either. He read the article that was along with the picture. The guy is estranged from his son and said he has to see the movie ''8 Mile'' to find out about his son's life. Howard said he'd like to talk to that guy.
Howard took a call from Wendy the Retard. He asked her if she got that number down earlier. She said she did so Howard told her she can't reach him there. He said she had to call him at that number instead and hung up on her. Howard said Tom told Will to tell all of the affiliates to dump out of that phone number when they get it. Howard said he's at war with him now.
Howard read an article about this guy Michael Flatley who is from that River Dance thing. Howard read the article which said she's being sued by a woman for date rape or something like that. Howard said he always thought that guy was gay. He had no idea he was straight. Howard said he wouldn't be surprised if the story said he'd raped a bus boy at the hotel or something like that. Howard and Robin talked about the article for a couple of minutes.
Howard read another article about a finalist from ''American Idol'' who is now up on murder charges. Howard read that the guy punched someone out in a bar brawl and the guy ended up dying. Howard joked that Paula Abdul was contacted and said some nice things about the guy. He also made up some lines that Simon could have said.
Howard talked about Gary's upcoming ''Hollywood Squares'' shoot that he's doing this weekend. He goofed on the lame celebrities they have on with Gary. Angie Dickinson is one of those celebs so Howard talked about her for a couple of minutes.
A listener called in and said they had Elvis Costello hosting ''Late Show'' last night and it was horrible. Howard said they're never going to hire anyone good for that hosting job because Dave is afraid someone will be better than him.
After the prank call Howard said he had a new game to play. It's called ''Porn or Politics'' and the first guest was this guy Jerry. Howard said the game would unfold as they went through it. Howard said Jerry wants to talk to Howard about something so he thought he'd let him come in to do that. He first asked Jerry some questions about his life and then told him the rules. He said he'd let him talk about what he wanted to talk about or... He could get a date with a porn star by the name of Karina. Howard said she's blonde and gorgeous. Jerry said she is attractive. Karina said that if he chooses to go on a date with her, he can go all the way. She gave her measurements and told Howard some of the movies she's been in over the years. Howard asked Jerry if he saw any cellulite on her and told him what he'd be able to do with her. Howard asked Jerry which he preferred. Jerry told Howard the topic he wants to talk about is more important.
Howard stopped Jerry first and said he had two more porn stars for him. Jerry turned that down too. He went on to tell Howard about the shortage of nurses in the country. Jerry is a nurse himself. Howard said that explained it all. Jerry also told Howard he is married and his wife was in the back room. Jerry went on to talk about nursing and how he takes a lot of crap about it on the job. He discussed his problems for a few minutes and got a plug in for his web site MaleNurseMagazine.com.
Howard gave Karina a plug for her site SinCity.com and for Fantasia and Kayla, their web site was StripTeaseAmerica.com.
Up next was Matt. Matt had something to talk about also but Howard had the porn stars to offer him. Matt said his topic was a 10 on a scale of importance. Howard introduced Karina to Matt and told him what the deal was. She came out and showed him her breasts and said that his girlfriend could join them if they had sex. Howard made the offer to him and said he could talk about his topic or bang this chick. Karina simulated sex for Matt and Howard asked him what he wanted. Karina kissed him and he seemed to be struggling with the decision. Matt was going to pass on her but Howard offered him the other two strippers. Matt said he'd like to have the girls but turned it down and said he wanted to read his thing. Gary said the guy was about to pass out trying to decide. Matt went on to read an open letter to book publishers. He can't find a publisher for ''Encyclopedia Satanica.'' KC called him a butt wrangler and yelled out ''BORING!'' while he was reading the letter. He said people can find out how to contact him at EncyclopediaSatanica.com.
Howard brought in the next guy to play the game, Tim. Gary said Tim has been contacting them very often for the past year or so. Howard explained the game to him and brought in Karina. She gave him a kiss and Howard told him what he could do with her. Tim said his wife told him to enjoy himself on the show. Karina showed him her breasts and Tim said ''Very nice'' when he saw them. Tim spanked her a little bit and thought about his decision. She grabbed his package a couple of times. She also grabbed his ass. Howard told Tim it was time to decide. Tim said he was going to have to say no to her. He said it was a tough decision though. Gary told the guy that he could have an hour long private lap dance with that chick and he was turning it down. Howard then brought in the other two girls for Tim. Howard asked him again if he wanted the three women or not. He laughed as they were coming on to him. Tim said he was going to stick with his decision and talk about his topic instead. Howard let Tim talk about what it was he wanted to talk about. He's looking for an agent because he has a sitcom idea. Howard said he wasn't going to help him out with the sitcom idea and he wasn't going to even hear his idea. Howard told him it was a waste of time to come in this morning. He said he's not even going to let him pitch it to his production company. The guys goofed on Tim for a short time. They thought he was making a huge mistake. Howard wrapped it up after that and took another break.
Howard read that Sandra had dated Jay Leno at one time. She said she didn't really ''date'' him, she just ''hung out'' with him a few times. Howard and Sandra talked about how lame Jay's act has gotten over the years and how bad his show is. She eventually told Howard that she'd slept with Jay so he asked her what that was like. Howard asked her what it was like when he pulled down his pants for the first time and stuff like that. Howard said he has a special light that he stands in when he gets naked so he doesn't look so bad. Sandra said that he's fallen apart since then. She said she did him a few times back in the mid-70's. She said that his penis was pretty big too. She said she'd actually be in pain afterward. She told Howard that she'd be doubled over afterward. Howard told her that she's not saying anything bad about him and this will actually get him to tune in tonight. Robin and Howard said they can't even imagine her with him as he is today. Howard said he heard that Jay was into bondage back then. Sandra didn't answer and said that was the end of the conversation. Howard persuaded her to talk a little more. She said Jay handcuffed her and spanked her back then. Howard said he's been telling Robin that for 20 years and she didn't believe it. Howard said he always suspected that of Jay. Howard said when he does the Tonight Show, Jay comes back and talks to you but he's not really there. He said there's no reality there. Howard said Jay was probably picturing him tied up.
Howard said he figures Sandra is a lot of fun in bed. She said she does have some fun. Howard asked her a few more questions about Jay and how that handcuffing thing comes about. He said that he wouldn't be able to bring something like that up on the first date. Sandra said it's possible though. Howard asked her if he used an electric prod on the first date. Howard said that now David Letterman seems gay next to Jay Leno.
Howard said that Sandra is a party girl and this is only the tip of the iceberg. She said she's never talked about this stuff before so it's an exclusive for Howard. She said she's tried to get Jay to talk about stuff like that when she's been on his show but he won't go there. Howard said that's stuff they should go for when they're interviewing people like that. Howard said even Carson would give hints about banging people like Angie Dickinson when he was doing her years ago. Howard said Jay could have said something and people would tune in the next night to see what's next. Howard said a guy who has to use handcuffs on the first night must have problems with women. He said it's like he has to humiliate women on the first date or something. Howard said that he'd save that kind of stuff for at least a few weeks to liven things up.
Sandra said this will probably be written about in the papers tomorrow. Howard sarcastically said ''No it won't.'' They said the story will probably show up everywhere and Jay will freak out about it. Sandra was kind of apologizing about what she'd just done but Howard told her not to worry about it. Sandra said she used to do Leno's show all the time but the all of a sudden it stopped for some reason. Howard suggested that the people at Letterman's show get her to host for him while he's out sick. Howard told the guys to get Vinnie on the phone so he could talk to him about that. While they were waiting for him to get on the phone Howard asked Sandra about the spanking some more. Howard wondered if he used a paddle on her or just his hand. Sandra said it was just his hand but his hand was like a paddle because it was so big. Robin said when she sees Jay's hands from now on, that's what she's going to think about. Howard said when he handcuffs someone, they just laugh at him. He said he doesn't make women sore either.
Howard gave Sandra another plug for ''Law and Order: SVU.'' Robin said she's been in a lot of stuff lately. Howard told her that's because she's talented. Sandra said that Howard is one guy who never gets bent out of shape about anything when she's on the show. Howard told her he wished more guests were like her. He said she comes on and talks about stuff no problem.
Howard talked about this girl Elizabeth Smart who was missing for 9 months and was just found yesterday. The guy who took her was working at the families home and vanished. Howard wondered what kind of parents take in a homeless drifter like those people did. Howard ended up talking about Darryl Hannah and how she lives in a tee pee. He and Sandra spent a few seconds on that. Howard then asked her if she's friends with Rosie O'Donnell. Sandra said she was only on that show one time. She's not friendly with her.
Howard wondered where Vinnie Favale was. Once Sandra realized who Howard was talking about she said that she knows him and he's a doll. Vinnie was on the phone a few seconds later. Howard wondered why she hasn't been on Letterman's show lately. Vinnie said that people don't go on his show often to promote shows that are on other networks. Howard told Vinnie that Sandra wants to go on the show and they're not asking her. Vinnie told Howard that he hasn't been on the show in three years. Howard said that's his choice and they're calling him all the time. Vinnie continued to say that they don't promote stuff on other networks. Howard knew he was full of crap and ended up hanging up on him. Howard said if Sandra was on the show he'd tune in to watch. Sandra said she was a little shocked about what Vinnie was saying. She said she was on when he was on NBC without anything to plug at all.
Howard got back to the Elizabeth Smart thing and talked about that for a couple of minutes. Howard gave Sandra a few more plugs for the show and Sandra started to wonder why Leno doesn't have her on to plug the show because it's an NBC show. Howard wrapped up the interview shortly after that and took a break.
Howard had clips of Elvis Costello hosting last night's ''Late Show'' for David Letterman. Howard said that Costello used to be the kind of rock star who wouldn't talk to the press or anything and now he's sold out. Robin mentioned that he did an album with Burt Bacharach in the past couple of years. Howard said it just shows that all of these guys are fakes. Howard said he may have to start watching Jay Leno from now on since he's heard about how big his penis is and that he handcuffs women. Howard listened to Costello singing a song parody to Dave that was horrible. Howard said he doesn't even sound good singing it.
Howard said he thinks the story that Sandra told is going to be big news. He said he knows Jillian Barberie will talk about it after listening to his show. Then other shows will pick up on it and it'll be all over the news.
Howard took a call from a guy who was upset that Howard was bad mouthing Elvis Costello's song. He said Costello is a great recording artist, just not a good host. The guy ended up begging Howard to be able to come down and play a game or something. Howard told him he didn't like him and hung up.
Howard brought up a news story they didn't talk about yesterday. He said there was a British Airways flight that was put on hold because a baby wouldn't stop crying. They ended up taking the baby off the plane before it took off. Howard said he's glad. He said if that's the way they're going to do things now, he'd be more than happy to fly. He and Robin talked about that for a short time and then brought up this theater that was built for Celine Dion out in Las Vegas. It cost something like $95 million. Howard wondered if they could get that theater for just one night for the Scott the Engineer ass ramming thing. Robin said she doesn't think they have enough seating in there. Howard thought about how it would go in there. After that he had Robin get to her news.
Howard said they have a new setup for ''Stump the Booey'' and they have a woman coming in to play that. They also have Crispin Glover coming in to promote the movie ''Willard'' and Greg Fitzsimmons will be in to hang out during the news.
Howard asked Robin what she'd charge him to see her naked. She said ''One billion dollars'' and he thought she was joking around. Howard said he wanted a serious answer and she told him she was serious.
Captain Janks called in and said that he had a suggestion. He said that in light of what we learned about Leno yesterday from Sandra Bernhard, that he should be the one to ram Scott in the ass for the pay-per-view. Howard said they have to get someone serious for that. Howard also complained about Tom Chiusano going to his staff about questions they've been asking about this Scott the Engineer pay-per-view. Howard said he yelled at KC for something about the anal thing. Howard said Tom is also doing other stuff around this thing and it's pissing him off. Howard said he has a plan to finally make himself ''the winner'' in this battle.
Howard says he's not giving up on the pay-per-view thing and he is looking into getting Giants Stadium to host the event. Howard got back to the Jay Leno thing and talked about what Sandra told him yesterday. Howard said he had Gary Garver get 100 pair of handcuffs to hand out to the audience at ''The Tonight Show'' tonight. Sandra told them that Jay handcuffed her when they had sex so Howard thought it would be funny to do that. Gary came in and said he had the plug for the guy who got them the handcuffs. He said it was SomethingSexyPlanet.com. Howard goofed on Gary for a few seconds about how he bugs him each morning after ''Survivor.'' Howard kept repeating the word ''Boff'' as Gary says ''boss'' to him while Fred played a dog barking.
Howard said he saw something really funny yesterday. The E! crew put together a special called ''Howard Stern's Jerkoff'' which looks a lot like ''Jackass.'' He said they took clips of shows where people beat each other up and stuff like that on the show. Robin Radzinski from E! came in and said it will probably be a 1 hour special that will run on Friday of next week. Robin said Mike Gange put that together. Howard, who usually bashes Gange's work, said he'd have to compliment him. Robin told Howard who did what on that special and he sail all of them are talented people. He said he's really not just hyping this thing, he really thought it was good. Howard had to take a break a short time after that.
After the break Howard talked about what Tom yelled at KC about. He was upset about KC calling Gary the Retard and Jeff the Drunk about the anal stuff they've been talking about for the past couple of days. Howard said he's pissed that Tom is yelling at these guys who he's been telling ''You're doing a great job.'' Howard said he told KC to just ignore everything Tom said to him. He said it's ridiculous that Tom is taking his people and talking to them without him around. Howard said Tom was also busy with secret messages to people and he's pissed about that too. He talked about how Tom is always saying he's his own man but when they ask him about something, he says that Mel is the one turning it down. Howard said Tom is all over the place and that's why he was turned down for a promotion recently.
Howard said he just wants to end this and leave the company or get rid of Tom. He said the guy is out of control and he doesn't know what to do. He said that Tom should be coming to him to talk about stuff instead of going to the other people on the show.
Tom called in to talk about what was going on. He said that he didn't take anyone into his office behind Howard's back. Tom said he was complaining about an edit in the phone calls. Howard said Tom is upset about what he did with those phone calls, not what was in the phone calls. Tom also said that he didn't ''yell'' at KC. He said he didn't raise his voice at all. Howard said he heard that he yelled at KC for a half hour yesterday. Tom got fed up with Howard's arguing so he got off the phone. Howard continued to talk about it and said that he was praising KC for the bit he did during a meeting after the show. Then Tom took him and complained. Howard spent some time complaining about Tom and Gary came in and said KC is upset because he didn't think this was going to be on the air. Howard and Gary discussed how Tom is useless to them. Howard said when his people stop being creative, they're done. He said that's why Tom is so useless, he's not creative. Howard said KC isn't the out of control person because he's not the one who took that bit and made it into what he made it.
Howard spent a couple of minutes goofing on David Letterman. He said Tom wants him to do something like that instead of the edgy show he does. He said he's just going to sit there and wait for Tom to tell him what to do from now on. He was waiting for the phone call from Tom to tell him what the ''other stuff'' is that he wants him to talk about on the show. Howard said Tom has no idea what it takes to make the show what it is. Howard moved on to talk a little bit about the Scott the Engineer pay-per-view thing. They've heard that people can't even look at Scott in the halls because they know what he's going to do. Gary came in and said he can't look Scott in the eye anymore because he's ashamed for him.
Gary said he called Paul Fishbein from Adult Video News for suggestions on who would do Scott. Gary said he gave him a couple of suggestions. Stuttering John came in and asked if Howard thinks Scott is dying and this is his way to go out. Howard said he doesn't think that's it. He said that he thinks perhaps Scott has been a swinger all of these years and he's been doing this kind of thing all along.
Howard said he knows that Tom is going to ask him to meet with him today but he doesn't have the time. Gary said it's funny when Howard has to run out and hide from Tom after the show.
Howard and Gary said Tom is a great guy outside of the show. Howard said he is a little bit odd because he made a pact not to masturbate anymore after surviving his battle with cancer. Howard and the guys goofed on Tom about that for a couple of minutes.
Howard said Scott is ready to do this thing. He said he doesn't want to do it but he will do it for the money. Stuttering John said it's not ''life changing money.'' He said Scott is just going to put an addition on his house and buy some furniture. John also said that Scott isn't going to have any say over what happens to the money either.
Scott the Engineer came in and the guys asked him what he was going to do with the money. He said he's not sure right now. Stuttering John was laughing at him the whole time they were goofing on him. Howard asked Scott if he'd have a problem with a black dude, by the name of Lexington Steel, doing him. Scott said he doesn't really care either way. Howard said they had a little party after the show yesterday and Crazy Cabbie made the suggestion for Lexington Steel. Howard said Cabbie is swearing off gay sex but in the past he's done stuff like that. Howard said Scott has a blank look on his face when they ask him about this stuff. Scott just wondered what else he's supposed to do.
Scott said that he might do some training before this event. John said they have to get tape of that but Scott said that would cost another $100,000. He's going to start putting crap up there himself to condition himself. Howard said after he does that they should cancel the event. Howard and the guys goofed on Scott about what might be happening when he's conditioning himself. Howard did his Scott impression and talked about putting cucumbers up there. Gary told Howard that Gay Ramone calls him every day and asks to be the one who does Scott. Howard wondered if Scott will let anyone do him before then to make sure it works. Scott said there will be no practice with guys. Stuttering John offered an extra $1,000 to Scott if he tongue kisses the guy. Scott said that's not happening. Howard threw in another $5,000 but he still wasn't having it. He said he might do more stuff for the same amount of money he's making on this event. Howard and the other guys said they really wouldn't do this stuff for 10 times the amount of money Scott is going to get.
A listener called in and asked if they're going to have a doctor on staff during this event because Scott may need stitches after it. The caller was a truck driver and all of a sudden he honked his horn and yelled at a driver in front of him. Howard said you never want to get in the way of a truck driver. He told the guy he should go take some more speed and get off the phone. That led to the guys talking about some of these nuts out on the road. Gary said he had a guy who was tailgating him flashing his brights at him. He got out of the way and did the same to him but then the guy in front of him slammed on his brakes. Gary said he was fishtailing all over the road after that.
Dominic Barbara called in and talked about the pay-per-view for a few seconds. Howard said he had to go into a meeting with Scott to make sure he absolutely wanted to do this. He said Scott didn't seem thrilled about it but he was going to do it because he needs the money. Dominic said it would be funny if all of the guys dressed up as women for the event. Howard and Fred started goofing on Dominic's voice for a few seconds. Stuttering John and Artie were placing bets on whether or not Scott will be able to finish the full two minutes. Howard had the guys do a search for this guy Lexington Steel to see how big he is. It turns out the guy is about 13 inches. Howard had a ruler and showed Scott just how big the guy is. Scott's reaction was ''OWWW!'' Howard measured some stuff that he had laying around just to give Scott an idea. He measured a Poland Spring liter and a half bottle and said it was 13 inches long, just like Lexington Steel's penis. After playing with that for a couple of minutes Howard took another break.
Howard asked Artie how much he's put on Scott the Engineer. He said he's only put up $100 with Stuttering John. Howard was on BetOnSports.com to see what kind of stuff they had there. He said they had odds on what will happen to Osama bin Laden in the next few months. He read through a bunch of those and goofed on them. Howard said they don't have anything on the Scott's ass ramming.
Howard took a few phone calls to kill some time. One guy wondered why Howard goofs on Letterman. Howard said he likes Dave but he's been criticizing his choice of guest hosts. Howard also said that Dave is the King of Safe Television and he can't do that himself. He said he has a hard time worrying about middle America not liking him. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with Dave. He and the caller discussed Dave's show for a couple of minutes. Howard said he has no desire to do a show like his. He said Dave used to call him all the time but not anymore. He said that he'd go on the air and talk about everything Dave said the next day. The guy still seemed to think that Howard had a problem with Dave so he had to keep saying that he really didn't.
Howard sent her into her booth and told her why she had to get undressed. She had to hand out her panties, skirt and sweater. She wasn't wearing a bra or panties though. Howard found out she's on the rag so he asked if they were going to be seeing any string today. She said there were no strings attached though. Howard didn't know they made a tampon without a string. Howard moved on to play the game after that. Stacy and Gary both hear a song and have to write down who the artist is and what the name of the song is. Howard said he's no longer playing the whole song. It's just a short clip now. Here are the songs and who got them right:
Gary said they have twins coming in next week to play and they're really hot. He said they look like Liv Tyler if she went on a diet. Howard and the guys talked to Stacy about her body for a couple of minutes. Gary told Howard that he might have to check out her husband because it's an odd couple. He said he thinks he may have stopped working out the day he met her. The guy came in and Howard told him how lucky he was. The guy said he was only 6 days younger than Howard. Howard said the guy looks much older. Howard gave them $500 for coming in and then wrapped up the interview and took a break.
Howard went on to talk about how this New York radio guy Harry Harrison has decided to retire. Howard did an impression of the guy saying goodbye to his audience. He had full echo chamber on and wondered what the guy is going to do without that echo chamber. Howard goofed on the guy and said that there are a few guys who have tried to retire but always end up coming back. Robin said she thinks that maybe the echo chamber was an accident. Howard said they needed a station to sound different so that's why stations started adding echo. Howard said WYSP used to put wind chimes on behind the DJs years ago. He said he doesn't think they do that anymore though.
Howard read a review for a show that's airing on HBO that sounds pretty good to him. He said it stars Jessica Lange and some guy. The guy decides that he needs to be a woman and wants a sex change. Howard said he has to see that. Howard said he may have to make a movie about Scott the Engineer and his anal sex thing. He started picking some actors to play the parts in the movie. Howard wanted Vic Tayback to play the part of Scott but he's dead. Howard mentioned Michael Chicklis or Jason Alexander instead. Howard made up some lines for the movie and wondered who could play the part. Robin told him they should get James Gandolfini. Howard said they could have David Spade play Scott's high school aged son. Howard spent a couple of minutes goofing around with what Scott would say to his son about why he was going be receiving anal on TV. Howard did that and then said they would show Scott starting out with a rectal thermometer and moving up to other, bigger items. Artie said he could be jogging down the street and a kid tosses him a banana. Howard said you'd see Scott running around the house read to take anal. Howard said Tom Chiusano would be working behind the scenes trying to undermine the whole thing. Artie suggested having C3P0 play the part of Tom. They threw in some other names to play the part. Tom showed up a short time later and said he wants Fred to play him in the movie. Tom said he just came in to say ''good morning'' to him. Howard thinks that Tom is harassing him behind the scenes but Tom doesn't think that's true. Howard wondered what Tom did to his hair. He apparently got it all cut off. Howard said he'd like to give out Tom's phone number again today but he won't do it because Tom was upset about it.
Howard and Tom talked about that HBO movie a little more. Howard said he really would like to make a movie about Scott. He continued to pick actors and actresses to play the parts in the movie. He also wondered why Tom is on such a rampage over what Scott is going to be doing. Tom said he feels for Scott and his family and doesn't think it's right. Howard said he doesn't know why that is his concern. Tom said he thinks it's a cry for help from Scott. Tom also told Howard that he wasn't yelling at KC yesterday. He said he was trying to explain to KC how ideas evolve and how they work there at the station. Howard didn't seem to agree with him though. Howard wondered if Tom got anal as a child and this is his way of getting back at that person. Tom said that's not the case though.
Howard took a call from Wendy the Retard and asked her if Tom raped her and did a lot of other nasty stuff to her. She always goes along with that stuff and said ''yes'' to everything he asked. Wendy sang Howard a song before he got off the phone. She started to sing but her karaoke machine screwed up. Howard got her off the phone and talked to Tom for a short time after that and took another break.
Howard had a picture of Crispin's current girlfriend who was a Penthouse model. He said her name is Alexa Lauren. Crispin told Howard that they actually met at the Playboy mansion. Howard started hearing all of that and said that Crispin isn't as weird as he'd heard. Howard had heard about how he had an examination chair in his living room years ago so he asked him about that. Crispin said he did have that in his home years ago but he's since put it somewhere else. Howard told him that must freak women out when he brings them home and there's an examination chair in his living room. Crispin said it was just a medical chair and it wasn't that big of a deal.
Howard asked Crispin about this movie he's in. Crispin said they have changed the movie in this remake of an old movie. He said he'd never seen the old one before reading the script. He put his own spin on the character.
Crispin also talked about what he's been doing since the ''Back to the Future'' movie. He said he's done about 30 movies in his life but they're mostly low budget movies that not too many people saw. He talked about directing some Downs Syndrome people in one of his movies. Howard asked him who was easier to work with, the retards or the rats in ''Willard.'' Howard said the rats were very well trained so it was easier to work with them. Crispin talked about how he found the Down Syndrome people to work with and what he did with that movie. He said when it's done he'll take it around to theaters to show. Howard said he wants to see it when it's done. Crispin ended up talking about how regular actors are playing retarded people in movies. He said he doesn't think it's right that people will play a retard but not play something in black face. Crispin talked about his movie and what it's going to be about for a short time also. Artie interrupted the conversation and said that he heard that Sean Penn is going to play a part as a retard in black face.
Howard got back to ''Willard'' and asked Crispin how much he made for this movie. He said he did very well but when Howard asked him if it was over $3 million, he said ''no.'' He said it's getting up there but it's not that high yet. Howard congratulated him on his girlfriend and all the work he's getting these days.
KC asked Crispin if he ever did try to beat up David Letterman one time. Howard said the guy was doing a bit, he didn't fight him because he was pissed at him. KC heard some other wacky things about Crispin that he denied. He heard that he celebrates his birthday twice a year. Crispin said that's not true. They went over a few other things about Crispin like the fact that he has the same birthday as Hitler. Howard heard he's got a fascination with Hitler but Crispin said that's not really true either. He explained what he was studying as far as propaganda films and stuff like that. He had a very long winded explanation that he went through with Howard. Howard said he didn't know what he was talking about, he just knew he had a guy in the other room who wants to take anal for $250,000.
Howard got back to his girlfriend and talked about that for a short time. He also took some phone calls for Crispin. A couple of people asked him some questions. One guy said that on the DVD audio commentary track for ''Back to the Future'' they say that Crispin wanted too much money and that's why he wasn't in the second one.
Howard got Mike Walker on the phone so he could play his game. Howard ended up asking Crispin about some celebrities he's worked with over the years before talking to Mike. He brought up people like Lisa Marie Presley. He and Artie had some goofy questions about that. He was also at Sean Penn and Madonna's wedding. Crispin said he'd just worked with Penn around that time and was invited to the wedding. Mike asked Crispin if he's friends with David Lynch. He just wanted to point out that Crispin hangs around with some other odd people.
Howard moved on to the game and had Mike read his stuff. Here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard told greg he had a phone call Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) made to Vinnie Favale yesterday. In the call Sal asks Vinnie why Howard isn't hosting the Late Show. Vinnie goes off and says he thinks nobody knows who he is and the show is saved for just real celebrities. He told Sal he thinks he reminds him of the guy who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart. He said a few other things that made it sound like he really hated Howard. After the call Howard said that it was a real call. All of the guys said it sounded like it was set up. Greg said Howard looked ''wounded'' and upset. Stuttering John said they were trying to get hold of Vinnie but they couldn't get him. Howard eventually broke down and said that Sal was actually asking Vinnie about Melrose Larry Green. Sal just cut in Howard's name to make it sound like it was him. The guys thought that was pretty great.
Greg had a great story about Stuttering John to tell Howard. He said he got a ride with a limo driver while he was out in L.A. recently and asked the driver if he'd ever had a celebrity who he didn't really know. The guy said he had this guy ''John Merendez'' or something like that. Greg said it was John Melendez from the Stern show. The guy told him that John only tipped him $2 after getting a ride to The Tonight Show and to a bar. The driver said John was really drunk too. The guys heard that and thought it was pretty lame of John to do. Greg then told them that the driver took him home and walked him up to his door. Greg handed him a $20 and said ''Now that's a tip!'' As the driver was walking away he told him that John had actually given him $30. He just did that to jerk him around. Stuttering John came in and said that he did give the guy $30.
Howard brought up The Jimmy Kimmel show and how Jimmy had them build him a bar for friends and family to hang out in while he's doing the show. That bar has now become the in spot to hang out and drink. Howard said Gary knows this woman who goes there to hang out every night now. Gary said he's going to be out there tonight because he's going to be in town. Gary said it's a great place because there aren't too many people and there's a great vibe there. Howard wondered why he can't even get coffee there. Greg said all he wants is a bagel. Gary said Tom would ask if Greg was getting a plug before saying okay to the breakfast. If he's getting a plug Tom would say ''Nope!'' Gary said that Tom has told him that when they have big stars they can get some stuff. They said they really need something set up for celebrities there but Tom just won't do it.
Howard said that even Sandra Bernhard didn't get breakfast and she revealed some great stuff about Jay Leno yesterday. He told Greg what she said happened between the two of them years ago. Howard asked Greg if he's ever had someone tell him he's ''too large'' for them. Greg said he has been told that. Howard then remembered that he's heard that Greg is pretty big. Howard told Greg to whip it out for Robin. He said he doesn't know where the cameras are so he's not going to do it. Howard asked him if he'd be willing to bang Scott the Engineer for the pay-per-view special.
Howard changed subjects and said that Stuttering John is now in regular contact with Melissa Rivers. He gets e-mail from her and stuff like that. Cris Judd was on Jimmy Kimmel's show last night talking about how great John is. Howard played a clip of that and goofed on John a little bit. Howard said it turns out John was allowed to bring Xanax with him to the ''I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here!'' He told the guys that he gave a couple of the girls some Xanax before they had to go do a Bushtucker Trial. John said Alana Stewart had a whole drug store with her when she was there.
Vinnie Favale called in to talk about the phone call he did with Sal the Stockbroker. Howard pretended that he didn't know Sal changed the name in the call they played earlier in the morning. Howard played the call for Vinnie and asked him why he was talking about him like that. Vinnie seemed to know that Howard was goofing on him. Howard kept pretending he didn't know what Vinnie was talking about. Vinnie explained to Howard what must have happened with the call but everyone goofed on him and said it took balls to talk about Howard like that. Howard let him go after a couple of minutes.
Howard was going to move on to the news but Greg said that he needs some help getting his kid into a nursery school out in L.A. He said they're all booked up and he can't get his kid in. Howard said he had a similar problem years ago. He said John Gambling and his father must have had something against him and wouldn't let his kids get in. Greg said Calista Flockhart showed up to one of these places late and still got her kid into this place he was touring. He said he was kissing everyone's ass at the place. He even offered to do a big benefit for this one place but ended up canceling it because he had another gig his agent didn't cancel. Greg said he saw one woman who was home schooling her kid and breast feeding them in the park. Greg got into more details about this woman he saw breast feeding. He said that it's something to watch when you're at the park but then another kid came over to her so she started breast feeding her friend's son. She told him that they switch baby sitting every other day and breast feed each other's kids. He and Howard thought that was pretty strange but Robin said a long time ago they had wet nurses to do that kind of stuff. Howard said he's never heard of that. Greg said the woman was pretty good looking. He said the woman asked him if he drinks milk and said that he doesn't know who the cow is. Howard said that's a little different. He had Robin do her news after that.