Howard thinks that he's responsible for calming Sarah Jessica Parker down at awards ceremonies. Now he has to work on Goldie Hawn who went a little too nuts.
Howard said that he'd like to thank Jim Carrey for ruining another hot chick. He said that Renee Zellweger looked like the old lady from ''Titanic'' last night. Jennifer Lopez's dress was horrible looking according to Howard. He said it looked like a potato sack. Robin also wondered who was taller, Ben Stiller, Danny De Vito or Dustin Hoffman. Howard said that Ben towers over Danny and Dustin is probably the same height as Ben.
''Al Pacino's Baby''(comedian Craig Gass) was at the awards show last night. He said that no one recognized him because he was covered in ''cockie doody poopie''.
Howard announced that they finally have an e-mail address for the show. You can e-mail them at SternShow@HowardStern.com... Finally. Howard said that they have filters on the e-mail so they only get positive ones.
Beetlejuice called in this morning to talk about his new movie role. Well, he didn't have a clue about what was going on but Howard said that he's been offered a part in the Wayans Brothers' ''Scary Movie 2''. Apparently he's out in L.A. right now and he may have shot his scenes already. Howard heard that Beet got kicked out of the hotel he was in because he was running around naked but Beet said it wasn't him. He was staying with a friend of his and it may have been that guy who was running around naked.
A listener called in and asked Howard if he was giving away any trips to the upcoming Wrestlemania. Howard said he was, so Gary came in with a quick game to play. He had 3 groups of people who might have been roommates at one time. The caller had to guess which set were the roommates. Here are some of the choices:
Howard got back to talking about the Academy Awards show. Howard said that even though Steve Martin is getting bad reviews he thinks that he was great. He was better than Billy Crystal by far. Howard played a few clips of his monolog to show how funny the guy was.
Howard continued playing other highlights from the show to kill time until Crazy Cabbie came in.
''Sam Kinison'' was in this morning talking about how he had to come back from Hell to hear Cabbie's story. Howard replayed the tape of Cabbie's admission of having gay sex to refresh everyone's memory.
Howard planned on having everyone take a lie detector test this morning to find out if anyone else is gay but Ed Torian, the polygraph guy, canceled last night. So they had no one to give them the test.
After playing the tape Howard talked to Cabbie about the whole thing. He asked Cabbie when the last time he had gay sex was. He said it was in 1993 but he had a ''situation'' in 1997 that could have turned into something. Cabbie explained how he went to a gay bar and picked up a guy. He went home with him but nothing happened. No one believes nothing happened though. Cabbie said he just wanted to check out the whole situation and when he got to the guy's house he thought to himself ''what the hell am I doing here?'' and left. He said he felt bad for the other guy though. He said he felt like a chick when he didn't give it to the guy because he probably though the was going to get some. Howard said that maybe Cabbie is bi-sexual but Cabbie just says he's willing to experiment. He also keeps telling everyone that he just bangs chicks these days and they all tell him he's the most man they've ever had. Everyone tells him that he's just overcompensating because he's actually gay.
Cabbie said he got tons of positive e-mail feedback(CrazyCab@hotmail.com) about his admission last week and he thanked everyone for all of that.
Howard asked Cabbie if he finds someone like Russell Crowe attractive when he sees him on TV. Cabbie doesn't like Crowe at all. He doesn't like Jennifer Lopez either. He told Howard that he thinks Fred is attractive in a ''Marlboro man'' type of way. He also thinks that Ralph is good looking but he's not attracted to him.
Cabbie told Howard that when he did that guy from his cab, it was the woman who had gotten him excited in the sexual situation. Howard asked him if he's ever gotten it on with a guy without a woman in the room. Cabbie paused for a second and then said that, yes, he had gay sex without a woman in the room to get him excited. Howard tried to convince him that he's gay if he does stuff like that but Cabbie didn't want to hear it.
Then Cabbie told Howard how he and his paratrooper partners in the Gulf War all stood around in a circle and whacked off as a ''goodbye'' to Iraq. ''That's gay'' Howard says. Cabbie said that paratroopers have a ''bond'' that you can't imagine. ''Sam Kinison'' chimed in and said that it wasn't a bond, it was more like a sticky adhesive.'' ''Sam'' also said that when he was on tour with other comedians, they never stood around in a circle at a comedy club to jerk one off to say goodbye to the place.
The longer they spoke the more we learned about Cabbie. He told Howard that his first gay experience was when he was 13. He and a friend got a hold of some porn and whacked off together. They did touch each other a bit but they ended up finishing up on their own. Cabbie said that they weren't excited over each other, it was the porn that got them excited. He also said that they did it more than once. It was more like a few times.
Howard told Cabbie that there's nothing wrong with being gay, he just doesn't understand why he won't admit it. Cabbie will be back tomorrow to take the lie detector test that was scheduled for today.
Cabbie said that Stuttering John freaked out when he walked into the bathroom during the commercial break. Cabbie thinks that means that John might be gay. He continues to say that we'll be surprised when we find out who else on the show has had gay sex.
Howard said that Cabbie might be interested in tonight's airing of the remake of ''South Pacific''. It's a musical so Cabbie might like it since he's gay.
Howard spent a couple more minutes commenting on the Academy Awards show. He said that Russell Crowe has to stop taking himself so seriously. He thinks he's some tough guy all of a sudden when he's just a ''sissy actor''. Howard also read their first e-mail. It was a joke that said something like ''They've found out where the disease that only black people get, sickle cell anemia came from... The glue on welfare stamps.
Howard got back to Cabbie and killed more time talking to him about the gay thing. ''Sam Kinison'' asked Howard if he thinks that Cabbie is like a slutty woman when he's with a guy. He wondered if Cabbie says ''I don't usually do this'' as he's pulling down his pants. Howard told everyone that when they take the polygraph tomorrow, he'll have to say that he had a gay experience because when he was 6 some guy told him to touch him while he was sitting with his pants down on the couch. He touched him but felt something was wrong so he walked away. Howard doesn't think Cabbie will be able to bet the polygraph even though he might think that he's not gay.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Cabbie if he's ever tasted a mans Cabbe Goul.. or his spooge. Cabbie hesitated and said he knows the taste but it's because he's tasted his own. He tried to explain how he's tasted it while giving oral to a woman he already finished in.
Cabbie told Howard that his first gay anal experience was when he was working at a porn movie theater at the age of 18. He used to hook up with couples and some guys would even pay him to have sex with their wives.
High Pitch Erik called in and said that he wants to take a lie detector test. Howard thinks he's gay too but he swears he's not. The gay Cabbie stuff continued through the rest of the show.
At one point a guy from the Spanish radio station across the street from Howard's station called in. Howard said that the guy is the ''Spanish Howard Stern'' and he was hoping that Howard would wish him a ''happy birthday''. Howard did just that and that was about it. The whole thing lasted about 30 seconds.
Howard moved on to do the news but the subject of Cabbie kept coming up over and over. At one point ''Sam'' suggested that Cabbie be called Crazy Cathy from now on. Howard thought that was funny and started using it right away. Craig Gass immediately started doing his best ''Crazy Cathy'' impression and kept it going through the rest of the news.
A listener called in and asked Howard if Robin has ever been tested to see if she's had lesbian thoughts. Howard told the guy that they tested her one time and she passed after saying she hasn't had those thoughts. The guy also asked if Howard thinks Tom Chiusano has gay thoughts. Howard thinks he has and so maybe they'll test him later this morning when they do the lie detector tests. Howard thinks that just about everyone that takes the test will fail it. He thinks that everyone has had a gay experience that they'll lie about.
Craig Gass' ''Crazy Cathy'', ''Al Pacino's Baby'' and ''Sam Kinison'' were all in again this morning to comment on the show. Both ''Al's Baby'' and ''Sam Kinison'' talked about Crazy Cabbie and his gay stories from yesterday. ''Sam'' told Howard that Cabbie's story sounds like Jeffrey Dahmer's so he'd better stay out of his way.
The real Crazy Cabbie came in a little early for his lie detector test. Howard said he wasn't going to talk about it until around 7:30 or so. Howard played tape of a homeless guy being asked about the NCAA finals. The homeless guy could barely speak intelligible English. Howard then took some phone calls. One guy said that he read that the people at TiVo are collecting the data about your viewing habits. Howard said that he doesn't care if they're doing that, even though they're not, because it doesn't matter if they know. He said he's more than happy to let them know what he watches.
Howard spent a little bit of time talking about ''The Sopranos'' and how great last weekend's episode was. He said that he won't watch it in widescreen though. He thinks that they should just make it for TV viewing.
The phone calls started coming in for Cabbie at around 6:45. One guy called Cabbie gay and, once again, he denies being gay. The whole discussion started earlier than Howard wanted it to so he tried to change the subject. He brought up the magazine ''FHM''. He said they interviewed a stripper who answered a bunch of questions honestly for them. The stripper said that she will touch people in the club and 110% of the girls will sleep with guys who go to the clubs. The stripper goes on to say that the best pick-up for her was when she asked a guy if he wanted to dance and he pulled out his wallet and gave it to her. She said that was love at first sight. The subject changed when Howard brought up an article about Hugh Hefner's ex-girlfriends Sandy and Mandy. The article said that one of them was accepting gifts from some guy. The guy ended up giving her millions of dollars worth of gifts trying to get her but it didn't work. His company ended up going broke and now he can't send anymore gifts.
Howard said they got about 12,000 e-mails yesterday when he announced the new e-mail address. Most of them were just thanking them for the e-mail address. Howard pleaded with fans to just send important e-mails and not useless crap like thanks for giving us an e-mail address.
John told Howard he was a fan of his and that he was calling in from Japan. He had a tough time making the call for some reason but that's why he was late. Howard spent a short time talking to John about his role on the show. After a short time Howard wrapped up the interview and let John go on his way.
While playing the Gary Garver interviews Ed was doing the testing on some of the people. When the tapes were done Howard went in and got tested himself. They had a list of about 9 questions that Ed asked each person. The first four questions were about their name, the day, the month and the state they live in. Here are the important questions:
Next up was Ralph. Ed said that Ralph kept moving during the oral and anal questions so he couldn't get a reading. On number 4 Ralph said no but he was being deceptive... actually he was deceptive on all of the sex questions!
Benjy's results were so screwy that Howard didn't even care. Benjy lied about everything from his name to whether or not he answered the questions honestly.
Ed said that Howard was truthful in all but number 3. Howard had said yes but it came up as being deceptive.
Scott DePace from E! was next up. Ed said that he was another one who moved during the oral and anal questions so it was hard to get a reading. He was truthful when he said he wasn't attracted to another man though.
Gary told the truth on all but number 4.
Everyone tried to explain why they didn't come out as being truthful on some of them but Howard didn't want to hear it. Howard then sent KC in to have his test done. When he came out Ed said that he was deceptive on just about all of the sexual questions. KC yelled that he's ''NOT GAY!'' Howard knew he'd fail his test because he's always wetting his bed and having a hard time getting it up for chicks.
Dominic Barbara's almost-ex-wife Irma called in and said that she has a cure for all of the homosexuality in the studio. She said that all they have to do is see Dominic naked and they'd go straight! Howard spent a little time talking to her and somehow she and Ralph talked about going on a date. The next thing you know they're setting up a date so Ralph can go hang out at Dominic's old house for dinner! Irma said she's ready to start dating and Ralph would be just right as the first one. Howard loved the whole discussion. He thinks it's great that Ralph could start dating her and end up spending time at Dominic's old house using all of the stuff that he's purchased over the years.
Dominic called in at one point and said he really doesn't have a problem with Ralph dating her. He thinks that whatever makes Irma happy is a good thing. No one was believing that story though. They all know that Dominic used to hate Ralph and he wouldn't want him around his ex-wife. Ralph should go on his date this coming weekend so we should know by next week what happened.
Howard had a turkey in the studio so they could see its reaction to the calls. Howard spoke to the guys for a couple of minutes. He found out that Chris is from Missouri and he's been doing this since he was about 11 years old. He hunts wild turkey and other animals like elk. Howard asked them if they've ever killed an animal with their bare hands. Chris said he's killed snakes and Jim said he's killed fish with his bare hands.
The guys said that there were 42 people in the contest they were in. They said that they don't have turkeys there to judge their calling though. They have 5 or 7 human judges who pick out the best callers. Howard had the two of them do their calls and the turkey was looking at them. Howard then tried barking himself and Ralph told him it was getting the turkey's attention more than the callers were.
Chris also did an elk call and a barn owl call. Howard and Robin had no idea if it was even close to the real thing though. Howard asked Chris if they have any Jews out in Missouri. Chris wasn't sure. Howard wondered what the call would be for a Jew... He then chirped out a ''Cheap, Cheap'' call. He told the guys that the call for a black guy would be ''Yo, Yo, Yo''.
Howard spent some time talking to Dominic about the whole thing with his wife and Ralph. Dominic really sounds like he doesn't mind if Ralph goes out with her. He did request a tape of his wife's phone call though. He said he wants to listen back to it but he could use it against her in court some day.
Howard had two more lie detector tests to get to. First up was Fred. He was asked the following like everyone else was:
Crazy Cabbie was asked different questions than everyone else. Ed read just a few of the results since it was getting so late. Here are the pertinent questions:
Dominic didn't expect Howard to pass. Howard knew Fred would fail but Fred kept getting upset when Howard said that he had gay tendencies. Fred and Howard went at each other's throats for a few minutes. Fred said that he got more and more nervous as he heard the other tests and that's why he thinks he failed. KC also yelled and screamed that he wasn't gay.
Howard tried to wrap things up but Angry Black showed up to yell at Cabbie. Angry came in and said that he and the fans are sick of Cabbie's gay stories. He wants to fight Cabbie but not on the street because they could possibly go to jail. The two of them eventually agreed to have a boxing match. They said they'll have a 5 round match sometime in the near future. Angry Black kept calling Cabbie a ''faggot'' and a ''bitch'' so Cabbie told him he was going to whoop his black ass. Angry took offense to that comment but Cabbie couldn't understand why. He's known as Angry Black but when he says he's going to kick his black ass he gets pissed. Angry Black sat in for the rest of the news.
At almost 11am John the Stutterer called in and said that he wants to box Ralph at this boxing match. He ended up yelling and screaming at Ralph on the phone constantly for about 5 minutes. Ralph said that he doesn't want to box a retard and that just fueled the fire. John got really angry and screamed at him constantly without stuttering. His ranting was intense but entertaining.
Fred said he has accepted the results of his test and now he sounds gayer than ever.
Comedian Doug Stanhope (DougStanhope.com or DisgustingPig.com) is today's special guest funny man. Howard said that he's played some of Doug's material before and he'll be playing more today. Howard said that Doug is famous for sleeping with waitresses at comedy clubs. One time he had 4 of them at one time. Doug said he lucked into that one. He said he was just in the right place at the right time.
Howard said that Dominic Barbara called him at home and he continues to pretend that he doesn't care that Ralph is going to go on a date with his wife this weekend. Crazy Cabbie also called him at home. Howard said that Cabbie still wants to fight Angry Black. Howard told Cabbie he was off the air so he didn't have to put on that angry attitude he has. Cabbie said that Angry Black issued the challenge and he's not going to back out of it.
Howard had, what he called, ''The Tape of the Week'' to play this morning. It was a clip of John Travolta on a Barbara Walters special. In the clip John tells Barbara that he can heal his wife with his hands. Howard thinks that a lot of people want to be God and especially the people in Hollywood. He found the whole thing very odd.
A listener called in and requested that Howard play The Backside Boys' ''Every Homo'' in honor of yesterday's show. Howard had Fred play it and when it was done Robin said it made her remember something about Fred. When they were out at the Playboy mansion and they'd finished up the radio show, Fred ran out of there right behind Robin while all of the other guys stuck around to hang out with the Playmates. Fred said that he had an early flight the next morning and that's why he left early. Other people think that he might just be gay like his lie detector test said yesterday.
A phone caller told Howard about the MSNBC special that they did about Howard recently. In that special they say that Howard is in the middle of losing his ratings. Howard said that's just not true and these shows don't do their research. He got pretty upset about what they've said and complained that what they're doing is wrong. Howard spent the next few minutes talking about the special and all of the people that were interviewed about him not being his ''real'' friends.
Howard was talking about how he was the only one who came out on top of the tests and that everyone else had some kind of gay tendencies. Scott DePace came in to defend himself but he just got himself in deeper crap. He tried to tell everyone that the subject of hating homosexuals is not a factor in his life. Stuttering John and Gary both brought up things that prove it is a part of his life. He once tested a guy at a gym to see if he was gay by telling him ''there sure are a lot of faggots here...'' He said that was a different time of his life and he knows that it was wrong to say that. John also said that Scott is worried that his kid will grow up gay so he's trying to do everything just right so he won't.
Robin said that Damon was wearing dark glasses when he came in. Howard thought he was just trying to be cool like him but Damon said he couldn't get any sleep last night. He said that he was nervous about getting up on time to do the show so he didn't sleep. That's why he was wearing the glasses.
Howard asked Damon what he thinks about DL Hughley saying that he stole his show idea. Damon said ''Who's DL Hughley?'' He then said ''doesn't the DL stand for Da Loser?'' Damon went on to say that DL wasn't funny enough to steal from so it's ridiculous that he'd say that. Damon thinks that DL just needed to justify why his show sucked so he used him as a scapegoat. He said that if he ends up on the UPN then DL was right.
Howard then brought up Damon's divorce. They all spent a bunch of time talking about that whole thing. Damon said that after 19 years of marriage they just grew apart. He said it's been an amicable split and they still get along well enough that they can raise the kids together. He thinks that his wife might have been getting fed up with his celebrity status. He also said that single life sucks and that he hasn't banged any chicks since the split. He's trying to rediscover what he likes in life.
He said he's got 4 kids ranging in age from 10 to 18. The 18 year old got his girlfriend pregnant so Damon is going to be a grandfather at 40. Howard asked him why they didn't just get an abortion. Damon said that he doesn't believe in abortion and his kid doesn't either. He must not believe in birth control either. Damon said that he's going to make sure that his son takes care of that kid. He told his son that he'll only get mad at him if he doesn't take care of the kid.
A phone caller told Howard and Damon that he doesn't get that whole thing where they get along with their wives. He said he hopes his ex-wife's uterus falls out. Howard told the guy it's better for everyone, including the kids, if you get along with your ex.
Another phone caller said that Damon used to be a Jehovah's witness. Damon said that was true but he didn't want to talk about why he's not doing that anymore. He actually used to knock on people's doors to annoy them. He said that was a very good part of his life. Howard tried digging into that subject but Damon didn't want him to make fun of the religion so he kept quiet.
Damon couldn't stick around long so Howard took a couple more phone calls and wrapped up the interview.
David told Howard that this vortex of fire thing is very dangerous and he's going to be practicing it all week until next Tuesday when the special airs.
Howard said he ran into magician David Blaine the other day and he's claiming that Copperfield is stealing his stuff. Copperfield said that he has nothing against Blaine but he's been doing physical challenges for 20 years so he doesn't know what he's talking about.
Howard kept trying to get David to talk about the chicks he gets to bang but David kept telling him he's saving it all for the studio interview.
After getting off the phone with David, Howard killed some time replaying some of yesterday's show from when Angry Black came in and challenged Cabbie to a fight. Howard was also going to play some clips from the new Aerosmith album ''Just Push Play''. He started to play the CD but it turned out to be just the single ''Jaded''. Howard said he wanted the full CD but KC screwed up and only gave him the single. Gary came in a short time later with the full CD but Howard never got to it.
Howard said that Elliott has a daughter that contacted the show and wanted to be reunited with him. Elliott turned down the offer for some reason.
A phone caller said that Elliott used to use an alias of Jack Gordon when he lived in Miami. The guy also said that he stole stuff from people and didn't pay for stuff. Gary said that when he spoke to Elliott he said that there were parts of his life that he didn't want to get into he's led a less than perfect life. Elliott said he never said such a thing but Gary threatened to get the tape of their conversation. Elliott kept changing the subject and yelling about how Howard is putting him on the show.
Elliott showed Howard two checks for $10,000 each. After a lot of hassle he finally told Howard that he was going to offer up one of them as a ''security bond'' for anyone who can prove that they've had a gay experience with him. He said he's willing to put it up because he knows that he's never done anything like that.
A woman claiming to be Elliott's daughter Karen called in. She said that she hasn't seen her pathological lying father in about 15 years. Elliott said that it's not his daughter because he hasn't seen her in 23 years, not 15. He also said that he was told that his daughter was dead. She swears that it's him though. The two of them called each other names for a few minutes and Howard offered to have both of them come on the show tomorrow to reunite. Elliott was willing to come in tomorrow but Karen said that she probably couldn't make it. Howard wanted her to bring her birth certificate with her so she could prove her claims. It may or may not happen on the show tomorrow.
Howard finally had to wrap up the segment so he could get to the news. He said that you can get 3 autographed photos of Elliott by sending $5 to...
Elegant Elliott Offen
7243 Austin St.
Forest Hills, NY 11375
You can also get his manuscript, which has sold about 1600 copies, by sending $10 plus $3 shipping to the same address. Howard finally ended the segment when a caller said they were ready to commit suicide if they heard any more of Elliott.
Extreme fan Bobo called in and told Howard that he tried to watch ''Boot Camp'' last night but it wasn't very good at all. Howard said he didn't even bother watching it himself.
Big Black called in and said that he watched Damon Wayans' new show last night and it was the worst sitcom he's ever seen. He said it was very unrealistic to him. Howard said he saw it and agrees that it was unrealistic but he didn't hate it. Robin saw it and said she got a few laughs out of it and that's all she asks from a sitcom.
A listener called in and claimed that Suzanne Somers was on Larry King's show bad mouthing Howard. He said she was saying that Howard exploits her because of her breast cancer. Howard said he didn't know about her breast cancer until 5 minutes before the call. Another caller told Howard that this guy had it wrong and Suzanne just said that Howard mentions her breasts every morning on the show. That's not true either and Howard said they have her scheduled to appear in a couple of weeks.
Howard will be giving away a gay vacation and the guy from SMS Promotions who's sponsoring the vacation called in. He told Howard about what happens there. Howard quickly got the guy off the phone and said that he'll be giving it away soon. You can find out more at SMSPromotions.com
Benjy gave Howard a transcript of the Larry King show from last night. Suzanne Somers did complain that Howard has picked up on her cancer and every morning it's like a ''stab in the heart'' when he talks about it. The only thing Howard mentioned was the tabloid story where they caught her coming out of a liposuction clinic. Howard said he wanted to talk to her about it and that was it. He doesn't think she has the balls to come on the show now but if she does he'll tell her what he thinks about her using his name to get sympathy. Howard wondered if the next thing we'll hear is that he gave her the cancer.
Howard is thinking of putting the Angry Black vs. Crazy Cabbie fight on pay-per-view. Howard said that he's still working on it but they may have some audience members there.
A phony David Letterman called in to goof on the Academy Awards and the people who won this year. ''Dave'' said that he was high when he called in. He made some comments about Steve Martin that made him sound very bitter that he wasn't asked to do the show again. He bad mouthed a few other people before Howard wrapped up the barely funny bit.
Howard read a top ten list of things that are ''too gay'' that some guy wrote. Howard said the guy says that he doesn't have a problem with gays but all of these things are just too gay for guys to be doing. Here are some of them:
Ken said that when he was in his mid-teens he noticed that he wasn't maturing like other kids. He didn't get pubic hair and he had a pear-shaped body that kids used to goof on. He was a very good hockey player in high school and it earned him a scholarship to college. As time went on he lost his motivation and strength in the sport and had to give it up. During that time he was also having problems getting an erection with women and he didn't have much of a sex drive. He tried going to psychologists and psychiatrists but they thought that it was all mental. They thought that it might have been his intense father who used to yell about ''faggots'' and stuff like that.
Ken then ran a marathon one time. After the marathon his nipples really hurt. They hurt so bad that he felt he had to squeeze them. When he did that milk came out! He didn't tell anyone at that time because he was embarrassed by it. He moved out to Los Angeles from the east coast for a new job and he soon started getting headaches but he thought it was just the bad air out there. Then he started dating a girl who eventually told him to see a doctor. He finally went to one after he had a problem getting it up for this girl he was dating. The doctor asked questions and found out about the erection problem. They did blood tests and found that he had a level of prolactin that was about 10 times higher than a pregnant woman would have. They then found out he had a tumor pressing on his pituitary gland. That's what caused the high level of prolactin. He then had brain surgery and got the tumor removed.
After the operation he said his life changed drastically. He lost the flab and man-boobs he had and his sex drive returned. He tested out his erection and spanked one out himself. He said the orgasm was really powerful and intense. Since he got his sex drive back he started dating other women and dumped the woman who helped him figure out what his problem was. He's now married to a woman and he's going to go back to playing hockey.
Ken wrote a book about this whole thing called ''Man Made : A Memoir of My Body''. Gary said there's a lot of interesting stuff in the book about the guy's life. You can find out more about Ken at KenBaker.net
Howard had them in today so he could straighten them out about some stuff they've written lately. He read through a couple of stories they've written about him where they say he's dating a bunch of different blonde chicks. Howard told them that it's not a bunch, it's the same one that he's been dating for 9 months now, Beth Ostrosky. He said that it makes him look bad when they say he's dating a bunch of women when it's the same one. He said that her friends call her and tell her that he's dating other women when it's actually her.
Howard thought that they were the ones who wrote about him giving a ''friendship ring'' to Angie Everhart too but they didn't do that story. Howard said that he dated her a bunch of times but he wouldn't say if he slept with her or not.
A listener called in and claimed that he had some dirt on Rush and Malloy. He claims that the two of them go to a swingers club and he has videotape proving that they go there. Howard told the guy to bring the tape down and he'd hold it over their heads so they don't write anything bad about him anymore. Rush and Malloy kept quiet and just let the guy tell his story. Howard said George looked uptight hearing the claim though.
Howard spent some time talking to the two of them about how they get their stories and who these people are that send them the stories. They say that people will call in from various places and tell them the stories at all times of the day. They said that it's very tough to get any of Howard's ''inner circle'' to talk about him though. Howard said he's lucky to have friends who stay quiet about his life... other than Leila Arcieri from ''Son of the Beach''. She told Chaunce Hayden about going to Howard's place and told some things that were untrue.
Rush and Malloy told Howard that one of the big stories they've heard lately is that Nicole Kidman was pregnant when she and Tom Cruise split. She lost the baby in a miscarriage. George thinks that the story proves that Tom wasn't gay as many rumors say he is. Howard said it proves nothing but he doesn't think Tom is gay anyway.
Rush and Malloy have their gossip column syndicated around the country and they have an internet radio show on eyada.com
Earlier in the show Howard said ''get your earplugs'' because he was expecting Elliott to scream and yell. Elliott came in and he kept fairly quiet. He was also dressed as a man once again and Robin thinks it's because she complimented him yesterday.
Howard had an article from 1988 that said that Elliott was the greatest con artist of the time. Elliott didn't want to talk about it so Howard said he'd save that story for his next visit.
The woman claiming to be Elliott's daughter Karen came in wearing a ski mask. Her husband was with her and he was wearing a mask also. Karen came in and got to plead her case to Howard without Elliott interrupting. She told Howard that she wore the mask because she's embarrassed having him as her father. Karen went on to tell Howard how Elliott kidnapped her when she was 2 and kept her out of school. She also claims that he broke her mother's fingers and beat her. Karen told Howard that she hates to see Elliott making money off of Howard's fans and she hopes this will put a stop to it. She claimed abuse, molestation and a bunch of other stuff.
Elliott kept pretty quiet during her claims. He eventually got his turn and tried to prove that she was a fraud. She brought along a birth certificate that was real and it listed Elliott Keith Offen as being the father. She was born on October 29, 1975. Elliott asked her to prove that she was actually that age so she produced a drivers license. The date on there matched the birth certificate. Elliott then asked her to tell him what her mother's maiden name was. She wrote it down and showed it to him. He still wouldn't admit that it was his daughter. He told her to hold up her left hand to see if there was a birth defect. She held it up and he said it wasn't his daughter because his daughter was born without a thumb. She just laughed. Howard said there were no birth defects listed on the birth certificate so perhaps Elliott was lying. Elliott eventually asked her to take off her mask so he could try to identify her. She did it after Howard had the cameras turned off. He looked at her for a few seconds and said that anyone could see that there was no resemblance to him. He then claimed that he never had sex with the woman who was his daughter's mother in the 9 years he was with her. He claims that she was some other guy's daughter.
Karen't husband told Elliott that he was willing to put up $10,000 to his $20,000 if he took a DNA test to prove their claims. Elliott would just skirt around the offer and not admit to knowing this woman. He babbled on and on about how the past 10 years he's been a model citizen. Karen wanted him to talk about the 30 years before that though. He wasn't talking though.
Karen said that she got over a lot of mental and physical abuse and she'd like to help other people do the same. She said she would like to start a web site where people could ask for her help. She may come back in the future to promote that site when it gets started.
Howard had to wrap things up so both Karen and Elliott got their last words in. They could have gone another 2 hours with the arguing but Howard had to take a break.
Howard got an invitation to the Pam Anderson Bikini Golf Open on Pam's stationery but it was Michael Bolton's charity sending the invite. Apparently Pam is dating Bolton and Howard's on their mailing list. Howard read the invite and said it sounds like fun. He was wondering if he should go or not. Craig's ''Cabbie'' asked Howard if he saw the pictures of Bolton recently. He looked big in the pants according to ''Cabbie''. ''It's not a gay thing man!'' he said. Howard continued to read the invite and all of the different things that will be going on.
The guy who called in yesterday during the Rush and Malloy segment claiming he had tape of them in a swingers club called back today. He says that he got fired after yesterday's show because his boss found out about it. The guy said that he'll never get his job back but he still wants the porn trip that Howard has to give away. Howard gave it to him to make up for his firing. KC came in and told Howard he could get all of the info off of the SMSPromotions.com web site. Howard got pissed and ended up yelling at KC for not getting him the info himself.
Joan Rivers was on the Larry King show the other day and she mentioned Howard because he doesn't want to do her special on E!. Howard thought it was cool that she mentioned his name so he played the tape of the mention. Howard said he knows that the show would be lame so he avoided it. Robin said she did it. She thought she'd be nice to her.
Howard says that he can paint a painting better than this guy Jackson Pollock that the movie ''Pollock'' was based on. Howard told Robin that he could paint something and put it next to a Pollock and she wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Gary said they'd get Howard all of the tools to do it. Howard says he can make a Pollock-like painting and he'll even give it to Robin when he's done. She said she'd throw it on the fire. Robin says that Pollock's paintings move her but Howard's probably wouldn't.
A woman, by the name of Karley, called in and told Howard she needs his help. She want to be famous and she wants Howard to help her. She said that she wants to be in Playboy or something like that. Howard wondered why she wants to be famous. She said that she thinks she was born to be a star. She says she's 5'5'' tall, 120 pounds and she's 23 years old. She says she has a similar build to Britney Spears but she's more exotic looking. ''Cabbie'' said that he'd bang the chick as long as Howard kept his hand on his ass. Karley said that she had pictures of herself on the web so Howard had Gary get the address to put the pictures up on the screen in the studio. Howard said she looked a little chunky but after looking a little further he said she was pretty hot. Her face and abs looked good.
Howard got right to the game before getting into a major discussion about Michael Jackson. Howard said that in this week's National Enquirer they have a story about the guy who used to play Alf's father on the TV show ''Alf''. Apparently he was caught smoking crack and having gay sex with homeless people. Check it out when you get a chance. Here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker, author of ''Malicious Intent'', calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. You can win money there also. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard spent some time talking to Rabbi Shmuley about Michael Jackson.
First the Rabbi said that he will be having a debate with Al Sharpton in the near future and you can find more info about that at SeminarCenter.com. The Rabbi went on to give Howard a gift that Michael sent to Howard. It was a copy of Howard's book ''Miss America'' that Michael autographed in the section where Howard talks about their meeting. Michael wrote to Howard that he thought he'd find it funny. Shmuley said that Michael absolutely wrote that to Howard.
Craig Gass did his Ed Torian (polygraph guy) voice and asked the Rabbi a few questions before Howard cut him off. Howard moved on to ask the Rabbi about what it's like to hang out with Michael Jackson and what they do. Shmuley said that they hang out together 2 or 3 days a week while Michael is in New York City recording his new album. He claims that Michael isn't as much of a recluse as you'd think he is. He goes out to restaurants and he doesn't have a huge room like you'd expect. He said that the suite he stays in is smaller than Howard's studio. Shmuley said that they play practical jokes on each other quite often and he's even had a bucket of water dropped on Michael's head. Howard found it hard to believe though. ''Al Pacino's Baby'' (Craig Gass) said that he had a joke played on him one time. He was dropped off at Michael Jackson's front door.
Shmuley said that Michael also talks about women quite often so he thinks that he's 100% heterosexual. He said that Michael is afraid that women might want him for his celebrity or money so that's why he doesn't date often. Howard said that guys don't care how they get women, they just want to get laid.
Shmuley told Howard about the date Michael and Katie Couric almost went on. Shmuley tried to set them up but Katie told him that she was already dating someone so she couldn't go out with Michael.
Shmuley also said that he's seen Michael's kid and it looks just like Michael. It's got his eyes and the blotchy skin that Michael allegedly has.
Howard asked Shmuley if he's got kids of his own. Shmuley said that he has 7 of his own and he'd be willing to let them stay overnight with Michael alone.
A short time later Mike Walker called back in and confronted Shmuley about that comment. He thinks it's ridiculous that Shmuley would leave his kids alone with any man, never mind Michael. Mike went on to point out that Michael is a liar. He explained a story about how Michael gave the National Enquirer some photos of himself and asked them to put the word ''Bizarre'' in the title. He then went on Oprah Winfrey and said that the tabloids all lie about him. That was a lie so Mike pointed that out to the Rabbi. The two of them argued about it for a few minutes before Howard ended the whole thing.
Shmuley plugged a bunch of web sites including:
Angry Black changed the subject for a minute when he told Howard about seeing Savanna from Scores in the porno ''An American Angel in Paris'' where she gets anal from this guy Rocco. He said she's beautiful in the movie.
Howard asked Angry Black if he wanted to back out of this whole thing because he'd let him do it. He won't back down from his challenge. Neither will Cabbie. Angry told Howard that he respects Cabbie for taking the challenge, he doesn't respect him for being gay though. He said there's nothing wrong with being gay but Cabbie slows down the show with his stories and crap so he wants to beat the crap out of him.
Gary came in and said they're working on getting professional judges and a referee for the fight and they hope to have it by the end of April.
The real Crazy Cabbie called in and said that he's going to be training with Gerry Cooney's buddy starting today. He's got a strategy and he won't tell anyone what it is. He said he hopes to gain 20 pounds to get up to 300 so he can use his ''300 pound homo-hammer'' to hit Angry so hard that ''he'll taste blood''. He said when he knocks A.B. out he'd going to dry hump him. Both of them sound very confident. Angry said that he hopes to be at 190 pounds by fight time. He's about 3 inches shorter than Cabbie.
Howard said they should use 12 oz. gloves instead of the 10 oz. They agreed on the other day. Robin suggested they use pillows.
Everyone was making their predictions on the fight. Some people mentioned that the guy Butterbean, who is big and fat, is able to beat guys all the time. But he knows how to fight, Cabbie may not. Howard said that Cabbie has height, weight and reach on Angry Black though. But then Cabbie might not have any stamina. Angry Black is starting to run and he may have more stamina than Cabbie by the time of the fight. Angry Black said that Cabbie may just give up early in the fight so he can ''go home, smoke some crack and fellate his man.''
You can send your angry e-mails to Cabbie at CrazyCab@hotmail.com... and remember ''The CANE SHOW, 6 TO 10, MONDAY TO FRIDAY, ON NEW YORK'S NUMBER ONE ROCK STATION, K-ROCK''... as Cabbie would say. Craig Gass' ''Adam Sandler'' added ''Jews Rule, 6 to 10, Monday to Friday...''
Howard told Mark that he likes this season of ''Survivor'' better than the first but he was blown away when Jerri got voted out last night. Mark said he thinks the tribe just had enough of her and it just threw another twist into the game.
Howard said he read that Mark said that he would have fired any cameraman who dropped his camera to help Michael Skupin who fell into the fire. Mark said he would have fired anyone who dropped their camera because there were 10 other people around who could have helped the guy. There was no camera on the guy at the time so Howard asked why that was. Mark said that there is a budget on the show and they can't afford to have 16 cameras going 24 hours a day. Howard said that he can't believe there's a budget on a number 1 show. Mark asked Howard to talk to Les Moonves, the head of CBS programming, to get him an unlimited budget. Mark told Howard that they have over 3000 hours of tape as it is and they have 13 or 14 editors working on the show.
Howard asked Mark to answer honestly about the rumors about the host Jeff Probst having a crush on Jerri. Mark said that the rumors were absolutely untrue. Jeff and Jerri were not and are not having a fling of any type according to Mark.
Howard went on to tell Mark that he saved the network with ''Survivor'' and even made the show that comes on after it, ''C.S.I.'', a hit too.
Howard brought up this Eco Challenge show and asked what that was about. Mark told Howard that the show is in its 7th year and he had it before ''Survivor''. He said teams have to race through the jungle and beat the other teams. If any one member of a team decides to quit, the whole team is knocked out of competition. He said the team that won did it in 8 ½ days and only got 9 hours of sleep.
Robin suggested that Mark have more ''Survivor'' shows a year. Mark said the new season will be on next fall. Howard explained to Robin that Mark has to keep the quality of the show high so he limits the number they do. Howard did tell Mark that he didn't like the recap show they did last week. Mark said it wasn't his idea though. He said he was asked to do it and he said yes. He said it's easy to say yes but it's very hard to say no. Craig's ''Cabbie'' said that he wants to go on ''Survivor''. His luxury item would be his ''homo hammer''.
Howard thanked Mark for putting hot chicks on this season too. Mark said he lucked out that they were able to find good looking people who had character from the 50,000 entries they got.
Howard said Mark sounded kind of out of it this morning. Mark said it's early where he is and he's got to work on his new show ''Combat Missions''. He didn't get a chance to give any details on that show. ''Cabbie'' said he had another idea for a show. He said he and his old paratrooper buddies could do a ''Circle Jerk Island'' show. He then asked Mark for Richard Hatch's number.
As Howard was wrapping up the call Mark had one last thing to add. He said in the ''Eco Challenge'' show there's a scene where a team is crossing a river and one guy comes out with leeches all over him. He ends up calling for help on the radio because he'd just seen a leech disappear in the end of his penis! It actually crawled up inside. The guy freaked out and asked the Doctor what he should do. The doctor told him not to worry, it would come out eventually. Mark said the guy ended up peeing the leech out of his penis at a later time. This all happens in the second episode.
Howard also read a story about John Travolta being accused of being gay. In one of the tabloids some guy claims that John Travolta came on to him in a steam room. The guy never had sex with John so he can't prove that he's actually gay but he did see John with an erection looking at him.