Howard then said that KC asked him if he ever had a guy massage him. Howard never has but Gary did. KC told Howard that when he was wrestling he got a massage from a guy when naked. He said he was about 17 at the time. KC didn't know it was going to be a guy. He said the guy put down the lights a bit and then put on the sound of whales. Then he got his rub down. Howard said he'd never let a guy rub him down for any reason.
Gary got back to his story and talked about his day at the spa. Howard said he thought Gary hated that stuff. Gary said that he loves the spa. It was relaxing for him. KC said he's going to a spa in a couple of weeks also. His girlfriend is bringing him.
Howard says that he hates massages because they never go well. He had one woman massage him while he was down in Grenada. He said she was pretty hot. He got the massage and thought she was getting pretty close to his private parts but she never finished him off.
Gary said he also took a relaxation class at the spa and he ended up falling asleep. Only one other person in the class fell asleep so Gary felt like a dope when he woke up and realized it.
Howard said he did a relaxation thing yesterday also. He watched ''Miss Congeniality'' and fell asleep for about an hour. He said it was horrible and he doesn't know what Sandra Bullock was thinking when she made it. He did see one good movie over the weekend though. He saw ''Blow'' starring Johnny Depp and said that it was one of the best movies he's ever seen.
Comedian Craig Gass, who will be appearing at Stand Up New York tonight at 6:30pm, was sitting in again this morning. He was ''Al Pacino'' for a couple of minutes while Howard was talking about the guests coming up later in the morning. Hal Sparks from ''Queer as Folk'' was coming in and Al was talking about wanting to talk to ''fairy boy'' Hal.
O.R. Said that he did research by reading books and watching gay videos so he could learn the 8 most common depraved things they do with each other. He also claims that some schools actually teach homosexuality to students! He said that those references are in his book. He told Howard that this book is not just for heterosexuals, it's also for homosexuals.
O.R. Told Howard that he'd like to see morality come back to this country. He doesn't think that we should kill homosexuals and he doesn't think they should be arrested unless they're convicted of sodomy.
Howard told O.R. That it's a good thing that homos come out of the closet because if they don't, they end up getting married to women who they don't love. Then they're both miserable.
O.R. Told Howard about some of the things that homos do that upset him. The delay was hit at one point and Howard said that women also do that with men so I'm assuming it was either oral or anal sex he was talking about. O.R. went on to complain about homosexuals who roll around in excrement and get peed on among other things. Howard said he doesn't care what people do in their own bedrooms. He thinks that they should be allowed to do whatever they want to do in private. Robin tried asking him what he does with his wife but he wouldn't talk about it.
Howard eventually gave up on trying to convince the guy to be more lenient. He said you can get the book at WinePressPub.com. ''Sam Kinison''(Craig Gass) dropped in for a couple of minutes. He told O.R. That he doesn't know what he's missing not having anal sex. He also told Howard that he was reading some of the book and found that some of the schools that were listed as teaching homosexuality included Rock Hudson Secretarial, Judy Garland University and Glory Hole University.
Howard told Vin that he has a secret admirer who said they found him very attractive when they were on the show. Vin, who hasn't had a woman in about 10 years, asked if it was a woman or man. Howard said ''Funny you say that...'' because it was Big Gay John who was on the show a while back talking about how he's looking for a fat, hairy man. John came in and Howard tried to fix the two of them up together but Vin wasn't interested. He played along for a couple of minutes asking John if he'd be his sugar daddy. Vin told Howard that at least they were on the right track. ''At least he's human.'' Vin told Howard. Now they just need to find one that's female. Big Gay John told Vin that he uses Viagra to get himself excited. He's 63 years old so he needs all the help he can get. Howard wrapped up the segment pretty quick so he could get to Alicia from Survivor 2.
Howard brought up Kimmi who was kicked off weeks ago. He said Kimmi said she wasn't afraid of Alicia and she could have kicked her ass when they were there. Alicia just said ''Yeah, right'' about that whole situation. She knows she could kick Kimmi's ass.
Howard said that Alicia is a personal trainer and she actually trains a friend of his. Howard told her that he tries hard to get cut arms like she has but he just can't do it.
Howard asked Alicia about the big sore she had on her lip at the start of the show. She told Howard that she was bitten by a fire ant while tossing a coconut with someone before they were sent to their camps and the ants got all over her and bit her lip. Howard also said that he was amazed that her skin cleared up so quickly after being in the Outback. She said her body went into shock being out in the clean air and sun down under.
Howard was also curious as to why no one helped Michael when he fell into the fire. Alicia said that the camera crews aren't allowed to get involved in any part of the show and that's why there was no help. She said there probably wasn't a camera on him at the time either.
Howard asked her about moving her bowels also. She said that she was the best of the women doing that. She did it on the 5th day and about every 3 days after that. She said that it was painful though because they weren't eating much. Howard wondered about masturbation also. She said that there was no need or want to do that out there. Howard asked her if she found anyone attractive out there. Howard mentioned Colby's name and she said that he was a ''hottie'' but didn't mention being attracted to anyone else.
Howard also read that the host of the show might have had a crush on either Jerri or Alicia. Alicia said she wasn't aware of any of that until she read it herself. She did say that she got his phone number though. ''Al Pacino'' (Gass) chimed in and asked Alicia if he could have her number so he could pass it along to his buddy Robert De Niro.
Howard took a few phone calls for Alicia also. A couple of guys asked her if she's on steroids. One guy even suggested that she was a man.
Alicia had a special shirt on that could unzip so Howard could see her abs. Howard checked them out quickly. Howard then moved on and asked her if she's got a boyfriend. She said that she broke up with hers before she went on the trip. She hasn't had a man since then. She said they wrapped up shooting the show on December 3rd and she hasn't gone out with any guys yet. She said she has a go-to guy that she can use for sex when she wants but she hasn't even seen him yet. A phone caller asked her if she likes anal, she said no.
Alicia also revealed that the tampons they were using as toilet paper weren't supposed to be used for that. They threatened to take them away from the group if they continued to use them.
''Adam Sandler'' (Gass again) asked Alicia if Elisabeth is Jewish and for her to describe her smell. Alicia played along and said that Elisabeth smelled just fine but she wasn't sure if she was Jewish or not.
Alicia was telling Howard how she got a bikini wax before going to Australia and she mentioned that some of her hair is fine and blonde. Howard then found out that her mother was a blonde white woman and her father was black. They spoke about that for a couple of minutes before Howard wrapped up the interview.
Howard also had tape of the WWF's Vince McMahon yelling at Bob Costas on some interview they did. Howard played the tape and listened to the two of them going at each other's throats. Gary said at one point Vince got right in Bob's face and yelled at him with his finger waving. Bob kept interrupting Vince and it really pissed him off. Howard found the whole thing pretty funny.
Robin also brought up a story in the news about Michael Jackson getting in bed with Macauley Culkin to watch ''Toy Story 2'' together. Howard wondered why Jackson doesn't just shut up and keep quiet and not get in bed with boys. Gary thinks that might be his cover for his bizarre behavior.
Howard mentioned that he read that Chuck Norris and his new wife are going to have a kid. Chuck is 61 years old and Howard wants to find out what the hell he's thinking. He has spoken to Chuck in the past and he's said that he doesn't want more kids and now he's going ahead with it.
Howard thought that Hal seemed more gay than he has in the past. He does gay love scenes on the show so Howard asked him about the kissing and if he opens his mouth when he kisses the other guys. Hal said he does have his mouth open but there are no tongues involved. He also said that he wears a sock over his penis during the love scenes.
''Al Pacino'' was still in so he started talking about the human condition and how you can't control it. He then asked Hal if he ever got an erection during a love scene and if he felt bad about it. Hal just laughed it off of course. Hal went on to say that he does his love scenes on a closed set. He just doesn't need people watching him acting like a gay guy in bed. ''Al Pacino'' chimed in again and said that he doesn't buy that Hal's straight. Al said that there's got to be a fairy bone in that body somewhere.
Howard played the phony phone call that KC made to Hal. KC pretends to be Lance from the Howard Stern show when he calls Hal. He asks a few questions about the show and how he got involved with it. He then asks Hal what it was like to ''come out'' on television. Hal tells him that he's not gay and ''Lance'' tries to understand how he could have seen Hal making out with guys on the show and he's not gay. Hal explains that it's acting. KC continues to ask gay questions about how he could tell his parents that he's gay. He also asked Hal what it's like to kiss a guy and if he's gotten aroused. ''Lance'' also tries to find out if they can hook up when Hal comes to the city. Hal has to nicely turn him down.
Hal told Howard that he never really got offended by any of KC's questions. He said he just rolled his eyes a lot during the call.
Howard took some phone calls for Hal and there were a bunch of gay guys who had questions. ''Al Pacino'' also asked Hal if he needs a shoehorn during his sex scenes to open him up. One gay guy, who has been on the show before, told Howard that the show is too corny and that the writing is atrocious. A woman called in and said she loves the show and she feels that the characters are like good friends. Howard hung up on her and told her to get a life.
Hal spent a couple of minutes talking about how he auditioned for ''Talk Soup'' for 5 years before he got that job. He finally got it after acting like an ass in the interview. He left the show on his own after a short stint hosting it. He moved on to work in ''Dude, Where's My Car'' and then right to ''Queer as Folk''.
A listener called in complaining that the Buffalo, New York radio station has been editing the word ''nig*er'' out of Howard's broadcast. Gary thought he might be confused with the Toronto station but it turned out he was right, it was Buffalo. Gary put a call in to the station to find out why they were doing that. He came in a short time later and said that it's true and it was a management decision to not let that word air up there.
Howard went on to talk about the management at his station and how they're trying to stick the board of directors with him so they can set rules for him.
Howard changed subjects to ''The Sopranos'' which he just saw yesterday. He said it was an excellent episode.
Gary went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductions last night. He came in to talk to Howard about some of the strange things that went on there. He mentioned how all of the inductees mentioned names of people you've never heard of and thanked them. Keith Richards was twirling his hair and doing weird things while he was on stage according to Gary. Gary said that 'N Sync inducted Michael Jackson and it was very gay. He said that Jackson looked very odd and he had something black on the end of his nose that didn't look right. Gary said he saw Meg Ryan and Melissa Etheridge hanging out together. Howard said that Ron Zimmerman told him that he should date Meg Ryan now that she's single. Gary agrees with him.
Gary also saw Phil Spector and Nancy Sinatra hanging out. He heard that the two of them are a couple but it's not confirmed. Gary saw Corey Feldman there and asked him why he was there. Corey looked at him annoyed and said that his third album is coming out soon, that's why he was there. Gary said that Paul Simon was there wearing a hat. It doesn't matter what the occasion is these days, Simon always wears a hat. Howard spent a minute talking about that before moving on to something Ron Zimmerman sent. This time it was a list of celebrities that are famous but still have (or had) a tough time getting dates. Here's the list:
Big Black called in with tape of Arsenio Hall on Bill Maher's show ''Politically Incorrect'' arguing with each other. Arsenio was telling Bill how his show was more profitable than Bill's. Bill agreed but still made fun of Arsenio losing his show. Arsenio claims that he quit his show but no one believes it. Howard said Arsenio has a weird hair cut going on lately too. Big Black says that it's dreads.
Vinnie Favale had a list of people who are Howard's age. He read them off so they could compare them to Howard to see who looks older or better. Here are some of the people that Vinnie had on the list:
Robin mentioned that she saw the latest Steven Segal movie ''Exit Wounds'' and it wasn't great, it was just like every one of his other movies. Howard doesn't care, he loves any Steven Segal movie and he's not expecting much.
Howard played tape of an old interview Stuttering John did with Russell Crowe at a movie premiere. Unfortunately I don't have any record of it in my archives and I wasn't able to write down the questions.
Howard said that there was a Jackie sighting in the building the other day. Robin's driver saw him and Jackie asked him not to say anything to anyone because he ''can't face anyone'' on the show. Howard said he doesn't know why Jackie is acting like that because they're not at war. He has no problem with Jackie and he wouldn't mind seeing him.
Last Thursday Howard went out to see Stuttering John in ''The Donkey Show'' thing that he's in. He said that he actually enjoyed the show but John was hardly in it. John said he's only in it one night a week so the part was written just for him. So it's only about 2 minutes worth of acting for him. Howard said they also went out to dinner after that and John really treats his wife like crap. He complains that she doesn't work out enough and that she had to buy a one piece bathing suit because she hasn't snapped back from her pregnancy yet. Howard said that he had a date with him and John didn't take his eyes off of her. John said that Howard was acting really gay with the chick and it was like puppy love. He told Howard to get a room.
After dinner Howard went out to see comedian Craig Gass (appearing at Christophers in Huntington Long Island Wednesday at 10:30pm) who was on the show last week doing his best Al Pacino, Sam Kinison and Adam Sandler impressions. Howard said that Gass was great on the show last week and he was funny at his show. Craig tried calling in as Crazy Cabbie but his phone connection was so bad that Howard had to hang up on him.
Stuttering John said that he has sleep apnea and he had to sleep with tubes up his nose connected to a tape recorder to see if he stops breathing during sleep. He said he snores so bad that he has to sleep in a different bed than his wife. He hasn't slept with her in 7 months. He said he might have to have his tonsils removed to stop the snoring. Howard told him not to get operated on and just make his wife wear ear plugs.
The girls said that they're paid pretty well but it may actually be hurting their careers. Bonnie-Jill said that she was supposed to have a job working with Jesse Ventura calling the games but it didn't work out. The girls said they never even met the players in the games.
Howard asked them if they're disappointed in the whole situation. They said it's not really disappointing, it's just that NBC and Vince McMahon are not on the same page as far as what they want. Howard thinks that the girls will be fired after this interview. They're not worried about it though because their agents tell them that it might be hurting their careers instead of helping them. Both of them have other jobs. Bonnie-Jill said that she models for Frederick's of Hollywood and Brandi works in Vegas at the Hard Rock.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for the girls. One caller told Howard that Bonnie-Jill dated one of the players from the L.A. Rams. He spent a couple of seconds talking to her about that. The guy was black so one guy called in and called her a ''Nigga loving bitch'' and asked her why she doesn't date white guys. He was hoping go get her himself but then when he thought about it he said he wouldn't want to have that after it was ''ruined'' by a black guy.
You can check out Bonnie-Jill at Bonnie-Jill.com. Brandi is in the April issue of Playboy in the ''Girls of the Hard Rock'' section.
Howard moved on to the game and told the girls that if they answered a question right they'd get a plug at the end of the game. If they got them wrong, they'd lose a point and possibly lose out on plugs. Here are the questions:
Howard then took some phone calls for them. People were calling them stupid and upsetting them. Kristi took offense to the calls and started yelling about being put on the spot. She said that it was too early to answer the questions and when it's a ''spur of the moment'' thing she can't answer. She also said that she's pre-med and she's smarter than anyone thinks.
One caller told Howard to have the girls kiss before they left. Howard then asked the girls if they ever did any lesbian stuff. A couple of them had so there was renewed interest in talking to them. Nicole said she never did anything to anyone but a woman gave her oral one time. She said she was drunk and partying and she couldn't say no once the woman started on her. She said it wasn't as good as a guy could do so she didn't orgasm.
Kristi fooled around with another woman while partying with her boyfriend and the other woman. She and the other woman were messing around and the boyfriend got into it. The other woman gave her oral to orgasm and she said it was better than a guy could do at the time. She also said she'd do it again if she had the chance. She hasn't done that with other women but she has kissed them. Wow! What a way to wrap up an interview.
Mariann thinks that she should replace Jackie. That won't happen but at least she tried. She told Howard that her voice might be a mess because she had her tonsils and adenoids taken out at the age of 5. Her mother remembered her singing very well before that.
Howard took some phone calls and a couple of people goofed on her which upset one woman who had a similar accent.
Mariann said that she really wanted to meet ''Al Pacino's Baby'' (Craig Gass) but he wasn't in this morning. She said she loves him. Then she wanted to meet Stuttering John because without him putting her through on the phone, she wouldn't be there. John came in and let her kiss his ass for a minute. Howard let Mariann sit in the studio for a few minutes while he did some other stuff.
Howard had a bunch of time killing tapes to play. He replayed the tape of an intern going out to interview drunken St. Patrick's Day Parade goers that he played on Monday.
Howard quickly got sidetracked and told a story about going to some parties last week with his daughter and her friends. He went with Judith Regan who published his first two books. There was supposed to be some big Hollywood script writer by the name of Richard LaGravenese there. Howard said he saw Lance from 'N Sync but he didn't know who he was at the time. He just knew that he looked like someone he knew. He said there were a lot of famous people at this party which turned out to be a party for the HBO show ''Sex and the City''. He went last year too but this time a bunch of people from the show wouldn't talk to him. Sarah Jessica Parker wouldn't look at him and she never came over to him. Howard said he had a good time even though some people didn't come over. He met a lot of other celebrities and their agents. Howard was talking about seeing magician David Blaine there and how he was with a different chick than he was when he was on the show. Then Mariann interrupted and told Howard that he's very handsome sitting in the studio. Howard then let Mariann talk about him for a couple of minutes.
Howard got back to his story again and said that David Blaine told him he was really freaked out by Hank the Dwarf the day Howard sent him over to give him the finger. Blaine told him that he was really messed up after sealing himself in the ice block for a couple of days. Howard doesn't buy it. Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard that people have told him that Blaine is really messed up after that ice block thing.
Howard said he checked out the web site where Chaunce does his internet radio show. He was looking for some interview where Leila Arcieri told him about a date with Howard. Howard said she was over at his apartment to watch an episode of ''Son of the Beach'' one time but it wasn't a date. She told Chaunce about his apartment and what went on there and it pissed Howard off. He said ''what a bitch!'' and that he's never talking to her again. He was really upset after hearing that she said that he has rules in his apartment about stuff. He said he's going to have to talk to her about this.
The girls said they were out partying with Howard's buddy Ross last night and that upset him too. They said they didn't have sex with him though. They just let him pay for stuff.
The girls told Howard that after the show yesterday they got a bunch of phone calls from players and people from the XFL. Brandi said she was told by her cheerleading director to turn in her uniform. So it looks like she might have been fired. Bonnie-Jill said she wasn't answering phone calls so she's not sure what's going on. She said she doesn't want to know as long as they're having fun in New York.
The girls continued to talk about their night out last night and how all of these guys they know pay for everything. Both of them got a free trip out to New York from some guy they know. He insists on buying them stuff even though they tell him they're not going to have sex with him. Their rooms were also taken care of by some guy. Howard couldn't understand why guys would do that for them if they know they're not going to get anything. Robin had to point out to him that all guys do that.
Vivian came in this morning and spoke to Howard for a few minutes about the show she hosts and what goes on there. She said it's not like all of the other court shows. They have people come in with moral dilemmas and try to straighten them out. The person who wins gets between $500 and $2000.
Howard told Vivian that she's really hot and looks better than Jennifer Lopez. Then he asked her if she thinks she's going to pass this lie detector test. She thinks she will but no one in the studio believes she will. Bloated Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and said he'd put up $5000 to Robin's charity if Vivian passed. If she failed she'd have to take off her top. Vivian didn't agree to it so the deal was off.
Howard sent Vivian off to another room to take the test with Ed Torian. Ed set her up and a couple minutes later they were asking questions. Here are a few of the questions they asked:
Stuttering John told Howard that he could probably ask her to make out with him in the bathroom and she'd do it. She told Howard that she would rather do it in private.
Ed was undressing Vivian with his eyes according to Gary. Howard said he must be really horny. He was giving her his business cards and wouldn't take his eyes off of her.
A couple of phone callers told Howard that he's nuts if he doesn't go out with this chick. Howard said he's never had a hot Hispanic chick before and he'd like to see what it's like.
''Moral Court'' airs at 11am on channel 9 in both New York City and Los Angeles. You can contact Ed Torian's Torian Investigations by calling 800-934-2341.
Mr. T came in to promote an appearance he's making at Planet Hollywood in New York City at 12:30 this afternoon. He'll be there with Mary Lou Retton. They're collecting canned goods for needy people.
Mr. T was just as wound up as he normally is today. He was talking from the second he entered the studio. He never stopped either. He gave Howard a special Chia Mr. T head that was just a one-off thing. Howard thought it was pretty cool. Mr. T also mistook Vinnie Favale for Jackie. Howard had to tell Mr. T that Jackie left the show.
Mr. T told Howard about how he discovered he had cancer back in 1995 and how he's been fighting it ever since. It went away for a short time but it came back the next year. He told Howard that he takes 8 pills a day to control the cancer now. He disappeared from the public eye for a while and just traveled across the country in his Rolls Royce. He gave up on ''the vices of life'' which meant he hasn't had any women lately.
Mr. T said that the only person in Hollywood that called him when he was sick was Steven J. Cannell who produced ''The A Team'' back in the '80's. He said he's not mad at anyone else but he did say that he had to get rid of his phony friends during that time.
Mr. T's brother just died last year from cancer but that hasn't made him give up on his fight. He said it hasn't made him give up hope.
Howard brought up the tree cutting controversy that went down a few years back at Mr. T's mansion. Mr. T explained that it was just the white people in the neighborhood getting upset that a black man owned a mansion in their neighborhood.
Howard said that Mr. T is in a couple of new commercials including 2 1-800-COLLECT commercials and a Lipton Sizzle and Stir commercial. He says that he's making some good money off of those commercials too. He think, or hopes, that he's getting paid more that Gary Coleman would.
Howard took some phone calls and one woman told him about how Mr. T visited a dying child years ago when none of the other A-Team members would do it. Mr. T said it almost brought tears to his eyes thinking back about that kid. He told Howard how he called his pastor and asked him what he could say to this kid. He and his pastor ended up praying for the kid but the kid died shortly after the visit. Mr. T said that the paramedics told him that the kid was really thrilled that he got to meet him though.
Howard asked Mr. T what kind of sex life he's having but he wasn't talking. He said that he got a kiss from Loni Anderson and that was the last woman he ''had''. He said that he's busy taking care of his 82 year old mother so he doesn't have time for women.
Paul was apparently shot in the head 8 weeks ago but he was pretty coherent today. He told Howard that he and a friend were in Philadelphia at a house getting into some ''monkey business'' when a guy came out and shot him in the head. He thinks the shot might have been meant for his friend. The bullet supposedly went through his temple and got lodged in his nasal cavity. Gary wasn't so sure the guy was telling the truth though. He said that people in the office were sitting there wondering where the entrance wound was. Gary came in the studio and tried to see the scar but he said it looked like a pimple. Howard believed the guy but Gary didn't think it would heal up in 8 weeks.
Howard was under the impression that Paul wanted to be a porn star now that he's been shot in the head. Paul said he doesn't want to be a porn star at all. Howard was going to give the guy a free trip to the XXX Extreme Vacation courtesy of SMS Promotions but he didn't really want it. He asked if he could decide when he wanted to leave for the trip and Howard gave up on it. He told the guy from SMS Promotions that they'd save it until they had someone who really wanted it. Howard wrapped up Paul's segment so he and his friends could leave.
A short time later Crazy Cabbie called in and said he'd be interested in going on the porn trip. Howard said he heard that Cabbie is already going to do a porno movie. Cabbie told him he's not sure if it's legitimate yet but he's going to make $1000 to do it. Howard told him he's crazy to do it that cheap. Cabbie said he'd work on getting more money when the movie makes money. Everyone told him that will never happen so he should ask for like $100,000 up front. Cabbie also asked if he could shoot the movie in Howard's studio. Howard said he'd let him but General Manager Tom Chiusano probably wouldn't go for it. Howard said he could do the foreplay in the studio and finish up in a hotel.
Howard said he heard that Jerry Seinfeld was pretty funny on ''Late Show with David Letterman'' last night. Robin had a couple of clips for him to hear so he played them. He was hoping to hear the whole segment but he only had about a minute worth of the material. Jerry talked about how he does nothing now that he's done with his show. He also talked about his baby and how babies are here to replace us.
Howard told Robin he did something so stupid yesterday that he was afraid to tell her because she'd make fun of him. He explained how his daughter wanted to check out the web site that Crazy Cabbie mentioned where you can design your own sneakers (Customatix.com). So Howard thought that he had to contact Cabbie to find out the name of the site. He never calls Cabbie back when he leaves phone messages for him but this time he had to. He called Cabbie and had to listen to him ramble and vent about his career and stuff like that. Then Cabbie asked him for his e-mail address and he actually gave it to him! This was the stupid thing he was talking about. Then this morning he checked his e-mail and there was a really long, rambling e-mail typed in ALL CAPS which is like having Cabbie yell at him in the e-mail. He read the thing and all of the ramblings and then said that he's going to have to either change his e-mail address or block Cabbie's address somehow.
A phone caller told Howard that he should get Cabbie's DD214 discharge papers from the military. That way he could see just what Cabbie actually did and how wacky he really was. Howard thought that was a good idea. They're probably working on it now.
Another caller had the full Jerry Seinfeld stand-up segment from Letterman so Howard listened to that and seemed to enjoy it. He said that Seinfeld has a pretty good mind but he wasn't laughing much. He said it was intelligent material but it wasn't all that funny. It was ''clever'' stuff but it didn't make anyone in the studio laugh out loud. Howard said that what we really wanted to hear was jokes about Jerry dating Shoshanna Lonstein when she was still a teenager. Howard said that it would have been more interesting to hear why he gave up on the endless stream of models he was dating to get married to someone else's wife.
A lot of people sent in tapes of their material trying out for Jackie's job. One of the tapes was a guy who read a whole script of what Howard and Robin could say to each other. It was so unfunny that it was funny. The material was awful and it's not what Howard and Robin do. He must have thought that Jackie wrote every word for them or something. Howard said they have to get that guy on the show.
After all of that nonsense Howard moved on to talk to King of all Blacks. King, a garbage man, brought in a bunch of garbage for Howard and the rest of the crew to check out. He had 4 cans of stuff and he wanted them to figure out if it was from a Spanish, Jewish, White or Black family. He showed the first can and told everyone that it contained pieces of wood, beer bottles (Budweiser), CD jewel cases and some other crap. No one guessed right so KoaB told them it was from a Hispanic family.
The second can contained coffee grinds, flavored seltzer water, lettuce, diet Coke, grapefruit, port wine, calendars and old newspapers. Howard guessed that it was from a Jewish home but it was from a plain old white family... white trash.
The third can contained corn flakes, Dunkin Donuts muffins, Entenmanns cakes, chips ahoy, Chinese food, flour and grape juice. This was from a Jewish family.
The final can was from a black family so Howard just had KoaB tell them what was in the can. It had a mayonnaise container, syrup, hot dogs, soda (not diet), butter and grape jelly among other things.
Howard spent a couple of minutes taking phone calls and talking to King about some of the things that go on picking up garbage.
Ryan went on to tell Howard that it took him 3 and a half years to become an intern because he kept getting turned down. Gary told him that when they hire someone after they've been turned down that many times it means they literally had no one else to hire.
Stuttering John said that Ryan was going to give Howard some brownies laced with laxatives for his birthday. He thought Howard could use them to play tricks on his friends or something. He said he's done that to his friends before and it really pissed them off.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Ryan got him a bagel the other day. Ronnie told him not to spit on it when he went down to get it. When he came back Ryan had written ''Diet Phlegm'' on the wax paper and it leaked through. Ryan went to get him another one but when he got back Ronnie threw it against the wall. That's when Ryan got the idea to have Ronnie throw bagels at a target.
Ronnie ended up trying to hit Ryan's target with the bagels but just hit him in the head and the nuts. Howard told Ryan he could come back in to meet Vince later on. Ryan just vanished from the studio.
Howard quickly got to the game and sent Fred off to the sound proof booth. He then asked Jamie 7 questions. Whoever got the most right in the least amount of time would win. Here are the questions:
Gary came in and said that next week two celebrities will be playing Win Fred's Money. Steven Weber and Debbie Gibson will both be in to compete against Fred.
Howard first asked Vince about all of the money he's worth. He thinks that Vince is a billionaire but Vince told him he doesn't know what he's worth. His father left him the WWF franchise about 15 years ago and it has taken off since then. Robin called him the Donald Trump of wrestling. Vince said that if his father knew that he was going to go national with the series he probably wouldn't have gotten it. Howard also heard that Vince doesn't talk to his mother because she allegedly molested him as a child. Vince said he inferred that in an interview. He never said that she actually molested him. He didn't want to talk about it anymore than that either.
Howard moved on to talk about the XFL which Vince started this year. The league has been floundering in the ratings but Howard thinks he has a solution that would make it huge. He told Vince that he would take all of the players and cheerleaders and put them in a village. Then they'd shoot it kind of like ''Survivor'' and show highlights of dating and the games just like they do with that show. Vince actually said it sounded like a good idea. Howard told him that they should hook up together and do this thing. He told Vince that he could take the idea and run with it if he wants to. Vince is hoping that the series will persevere and take off like wrestling did.
Howard asked Vince what will happen when he passes on. Vince said that the WWF and all of his stuff will be left to his kids. Even his daughter-in-law will get part of the inheritance.
Howard also read that Vince admitted to cheating on his wife in an interview. Vince said that he's been married 28 years and for the past 6 he's been faithful. He said he used to sleep with ''anything that had a skirt''. He said his wife was very angry at him but they still love each other so they stay together.
Howard spent a short time asking Vince about his Bob Costas interview the other night. Vince said that he was kind of let down by Costas who turned the interview into a trial of the WWF.
Vince said that he doesn't get upset when people try to sue him, he just deals with it and moves on.
Howard took a few phone calls from women who wanted to ask Vince for jobs or just kiss his ass a bit. One guy asked Vince if he's going to take over the WCW franchise. Vince said that might happen and if it does then they would have the two leagues wrestle each other sometimes.
Howard started letting in some of the nuts who showed up at the station come in to meet Vince. There were two guys who asked a couple of wrestling questions and one of the guys showed Howard his two assholes. I didn't catch the reason for the two holes though.
Ryan, who was on earlier, came in and asked a bunch of dopey questions about whether or not he could work for the WWF. There was an ex-intern by the name of Siobhan who came in and kissed Vince's ass a bit.
Extreme fan Bobo, his two kids and a friend also came in. They all watch the WWF together and wanted to meet Vince. Howard goofed on Bobo's toupee and let them ask a couple of questions before moving on to the next group.
Up next were Brandi and Bonnie-Jill who were on earlier in the week. They are, or were, XFL cheerleaders who had complaints about their jobs. They came in and told Vince about the problems they had. Vince told them that they should hang in there and just wait a while for things to get better. Then they told him they got fired already. Whoops! Too late. Gary said that they're more interesting now and he'd be more interested in watching the show now that they're controversial.
Howard let a couple more guys come in to meet Vince before wrapping up the interview. One guy said he wanted to be a wrestler but Howard told him there's no way he could be. He wasn't built for it. Howard wrapped up the interview and plugged the WWF Wrestlemania event. Visit Wrestlemania.com to get more info on the pay-per-view event.
Another article mentioned that singer Pavarotti has gotten so fat that he has a guy follow him around with a chair so when he gets tired he can sit down.
Howard and Robin discussed the whole divorce thing and how ridiculous it is that spouses get half of the money in divorces.
Howard had an article that he read where Trey Parker, one of the creators of ''South Park'', bad mouthed Howard again. Parker has said some things about Howard in the past and he's at it again. Parker says that he's not a fan of shows like ''Married with Children'' and ''Son of the Beach'' which are ''mean spirited''. Of course Howard was included in that ''mean spirited'' thing. Howard said that Parker is a ''no talent bozo''. The two movies that Parker released sucked and his new ''That's My Bush'' show will surely flop. Howard said that no one cares about him and he's just a douche bag. Big Black called in a few minutes later and played a segment of ''South Park'' where they had ''Howard'' talking to some of the characters on the show. It wasn't funny but then again, it was taken out of context.
Howard had another article where people responded to Howard possibly going to the high school for a pep rally where he helped get a kid elected to class president last year. Howard read a few responses to that possibility and they weren't nice. The people blasted the school and Howard. The people were really pissed that he was even allowed on the school intercom when he was trying to get the kid elected.
Howard first played the Judy Garland tapes that he's been talking about all week. Vinnie edited down the tapes to just the good parts. Apparently the tapes are from the time when she had lost her CBS show and she was divorced and living in England. Someone suggested that she voice her thoughts on tape so a book could be written about her life. Howard played a bunch of the clips and she just rambles in what sounds like a drunken rage. She complains about not knowing how to use the tape recorder and how it's a ''Nazi machine''. In another clip she wonders why she flies around in airplanes with a ''cast'' of people she couldn't care less about. She said she doesn't want to die with these people who sit around reading ''Readers Digest''. She also complains about her ex-husband Sid Luft and how he doesn't care about anyone except himself. The tapes were hilarious.
For some reason Vinnie thought that there were many similarities between Judy and Howard. Some of his examples included... both were divorced, both had kids, both were in their 40's, both battled CBS over money, both were mentally abused by their parents, both saw psychiatrists, both talk in a microphone, both like their wine, both can't play sports, both lost money in their divorce, both had daughters that wanted to be performers and while Judy hung out with gays, Howard hung out with Ralph.
Howard had to hold off on the lie detector test because Joan Rivers showed up.
Joan says that she is very happy and she's still dating her boyfriend Oren.
Howard wanted to know how old Joan was because she looks so good. She said she's 67 years old. Howard told her she looks around 50.
Howard read an article about Joan earlier in the morning about how awful her fashion reviews are at these celebrity events. Howard told Joan about it and read it to her. She said the whole thing is ridiculous because she's been doing that for 31 years and people love it. Howard continued to read the article and Joan seemed to be getting upset about it. Howard asked her if she was going to cry at one point. She said she wasn't going to do that, she was just complaining about how dumb the whole article was.
He eventually changed subjects and talked about the TV movie Joan and Melissa did together. They played a clip and laughed at how goofy it was. Joan said she loved making the movie. Robin told her she loved it.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Joan shouldn't be on TV at all. Joan didn't seem to be upset by the call though.
Stuttering John came in and asked Joan who her plastic surgeon was. He wants to know so when his wife hits the wall he knows where to send her. Joan said that his name is Steven Hoffler. John is thinking about getting some work done on his eyes too. Howard asked Joan if he should get his laugh lines fixed. She told him he should get it done while he's still young. She doesn't think he looks bad, she thinks he could use a little work on the laugh lines though. Joan couldn't stick around long, she had a flight to catch so Howard wrapped it up.
Joan is hosting the Oscar pre-show on E! this Sunday and on March 31 she'll be doing an Oscar review show on E!.
Howard also brought up the discussion he had the other morning about how he made the mistake of giving Cabbie his e-mail address. Today he asked Cabbie nicely to not e-mail him anymore. Cabbie said he would stop. Gary said he could e-mail him and he'd forward them to Howard if necessary. Howard read through some of the e-mail that Cabbie sent him and complained that it was in all caps with slash marks all over it like ''I HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER ///////////'' Cabbie was lucky enough to stick around during Playmate Julia Schultz's segment also.
Howard told her she had great boobs about 10 seconds after she came in. She claims that they're real too. She thanked her mother for the C-cups. Julia spoke to Howard about ''Tomcats'' for a couple of minutes before they got to the gossip game.
Howard got Mike Walker on the phone to play the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker, author of ''Malicious Intent'', calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. You can win money there also. Here are this week's stories:
During the game Mike asked Howard if he was going to give Julia a pop quiz like he does with other Playmates. Julia took one 3 years ago when she was on the show and she thought that Rhode Island was in Florida. Howard then asked her a bunch of new questions including:
Howard spent some time talking to Julia about Hugh Hefner's girlfriends. Julia says that some girls who have dated him claim that they didn't sleep with him. She says they lied. One in particular, Katie Lohmann, lied about the whole thing and Julia claims she knows she slept with him.
Howard then asked Julia if she was attracted to him. She said that she found him attractive so Howard asked her if she'd be willing to take a lie detector test to prove she was telling the truth. She agreed so Howard sent her in the other room to get hooked up. Ed Torian was there to test Vinnie, but they never got to it. Howard took a break and when he came back he asked her 20 questions. Here they are:
Before they got to that story Cabbie admitted that he had a gay experience when he was a cab driver. He went with a couple and the guy gave him oral for 10 minutes or so... That was just the beginning of the stories. Cabbie then told the story about he was thrown out of the army. Here's the shortened version. Cabbie and some of his buddies in the 82nd airborne were screwing a 17 year old daughter of a Sergeant Major in the Delta Force. He came home early one day and found them screwing her. He kicked a few of their asses and found out who they were. Then there was an investigation and a video tape was found in their barracks that had another guy's wife getting screwed by a few other guys. According to Cabbie the whole thing exploded into a huge investigation and then charges were brought against them. He was then thrown out of the army but he was given an honorable discharge because he wrote a letter to the commander complaining. Since it was just one event the honorable discharge was given because they don't count you whole career on one event.
Howard didn't care about that story so he interrupted it and told him to talk more about the gay experience. He explained that a little more and when Howard heard that he got oral from the guy he called him gay. Then everyone started asking him more gay questions. They asked him if he stayed aroused during the gay oral sex and he said he did. Cabbie also admitted that he had used a ''glory hole'' so that was another strike against him. He was asked if he had ever done anal. He went silent for a second and said he wanted more money. He did admit that he'd given someone anal and he did take it there himself one time.
Ralph called in and started goofing on him too. Cabbie tried to redeem himself by saying that he's done stuff with women that no one in the studio has ever thought of. It didn't work. He was asked if he's ever given a happy ending to a guy. He said he was going to shut down and save some of this for a later date. Howard said he's going to hook Cabbie up to a lie detector on Monday to find out even more stuff.
Later in the show Howard was distracted by the whole story and he couldn't stop thinking about Cabbie being bent over taking it up the rear. You can e-mail Cabbie your hate mail at CrazyCab@hotmail.com