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Howard and the guys were back from their week long vacation this morning. Howard started the show off talking about being back live and saying that he got an e-mail from Bubba telling him it was time to get back to work. Then he brought up what went on with Artie over vacation.
Howard said that Artie had asked him to write the foreword to his book ''Too Fat To Fish'' so he was working on that over vacation. He called Artie to find out where he had to send it when he was done. Artie told him he did a great job with it and everyone he showed it to loved it. Artie said that it was very funny and the rest of the book isn't going to be as well written.
Howard said that he usually has people look it over but he didn't have time to do that. This time he had Beth check it over for grammatical errors before he sent it to the publisher. Then he tried calling Artie and didn't get a response. He got a hold of his assistant instead. Artie said that he is blown away by how great the foreword is. He said that everyone he showed it to loved it too.
Howard said that he told Artie that if he didn't like it he didn't have to use it. Artie said that he's going through every emotion reading it.
Howard wasn't able to get a hold of Artie so he figured he was out having fun. It turns out Artie wasn't out having fun. He got a note from Jimmy Kimmel telling him that Artie was in rehab. Howard figured that he'd know before Jimmy would but Jimmy knew that he didn't show up to the Bob Saget roast. Artie said that he really wanted to go to that and it was the first time he's ever missed anything like that.
Artie said that he had done two roasts for Comedy Central for people he didn't even know and this one was going to be fore his buddy Bob Saget. He said that his plane had crashed into the side of the mountain again, metaphorically speaking of course.
Howard said he didn't know about the rehab but he figured that maybe the sleeping on the air was part of the problem after he heard that. Howard said that he just thought Artie was tired when he'd fall asleep on the air. Artie said that he fell off the heroin wagon. He said he fell off about 7 weeks ago. Robin said she knew that he was off last week when he was nodding off.
Artie said that it wasn't all from the drugs when he'd nod off on the air. He said that he had a whole story to tell and asked Howard if he wanted him to talk about it now. Howard said he was going to hold off a while but he could if he wanted.
Artie said that about 2 weeks before he went to Afghanistan he was told that he could handle this tour he was going on. Artie said that he had gone out a couple of weeks ago and hung out with the wrong crowd in Jersey. He said that he ended up getting some heroin and that was it.
Artie said that he's in therapy with a guy who is involved with rehab but he's not really in rehab. Artie said that the Subutex is s night in shining armor but he hadn't really put it to the test the way he did this past time. He said that a bunch of dark planets lined up this time and he fell off the wagon.
Artie said he was fine when he was in Amsterdam and didn't do anything there. He said that he was fine from the time he did Beer League right up until 7 weeks ago.
Artie said that he plays in a billiard league and he was out drinking the night he fell off the wagon. He said that he almost used to make a living playing pool in the past because he's pretty good. Artie said that he could play with a partner and they'd pretend that they didn't know each other. They were almost like con-men according to Robin.
Artie said that they'd go into this place called High Que and there would be a bunch of shitheads in there that they could beat. He said that a lot of them were high school kids who were just losers. Howard and Robin found that to be pretty amusing. Artie said that he and his buddy would pretend that they didn't know each other and they'd get into a 3 way 9 ball game and he could set up his buddy so he could have the easiest shot at the 5 and the 9 and they could make like $600 to split in a night.
Artie said that there are some of those guys he used to play with that haven't moved on in life. He said that one of them plays in this league and he's afraid to go because there are some shady types out there. Artie said he was drinking that night and he really shouldn't have been. He skipped the Subutex that night so he could drink and that wasn't a good idea. Artie said he got drunk that night and shot pool with a bunch of guys who he used to know or just recognized him. He said that he had a lot of pressure on him and he knew that he was in a danger zone. One guy asked him if he wanted some heroin. The guy knew his past but he wasn't a friend.
Artie said that he hasn't done coke since August 4, 1997 but people will still put it in his hand and offer it to him. Howard said that this is basically like Satan putting the stuff into his hand. Artie said that he had a wad of money on him and he bought a couple of bags of heroin that night. He paid like $40 per bag. Robin asked if that's all it costs to ruin your life.
Artie said that he had a lot of fun on the heroin. There were some broads around but nothing happened with them. Artie said that it was bad and he went home and woke up the next morning almost suicidal feeling guilty. He said that he figured he was going to get right back on the Subutex but then he figured that he might as well finish that bag.
Artie said that he had told the USO that he was off the drugs. He said that he partied at home for a few days and then 3 days before going to Afghanistan he forced himself to stop. He said that he got back on the Subutex one day and everything was fine. He said he lived for 3 days without the heroin and then went to Afghanistan. He had the week off after that and figured he might as well reward himself. He said that he was back on the heroin within 8 hours of getting back from that USO tour.
Robin said that was the reason they didn't see him at his house party. Artie was busy partying up in his room that day. Howard said it seems that he's living the life.
Artie said that his mother and sister aren't fooled by his behavior anymore and they knew that something was going on. He said that he got a call out of the blue from Richard Lewis one day and the guy told him that he knew of a doctor who saved his life with his addiction problems. Artie said that Richard told him about this stuff and he had a bag of heroin on the table at the time. He said that Richard told him how he had saved his life and it was just good timing.
Howard asked Artie if he had to go down to Delaware to get his heroin. Artie said that he didn't have to do that this time. He was able to get it locally.
Artie said that it was weird that Richard had called him. He wrote down the name of this doctor that he told him about. Then his mother and sister gave him an ultimatum to get himself together and threatened not to talk to him. He said that would be awful for him and he didn't have the balls to tell them that they were right. He told them that they were crazy and it was all bullshit.
Artie said that he had a stand-up gig that he had to do at Caroline's back then. He said that he made it through those shows okay. He'd go right back home so he could get back to the drugs. He figured that he'd be able to go back on the Subutex to get through this roast for Bob Saget. Then on July 31st he was supposed to go see Bruce Springsteen with the guys.
Artie said that he was looking forward to Springsteen and to the Los Angeles trip. He said he was going to see Bob Saget, Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Sandler and a bunch of other guys. Then he blew off Springsteen while all of his buddies went. He said that he wasn't feeling good and used that as his excuse. He had prepared for this roast and he was ready to go. Howard told him to roast him when he comes in this week. Artie laughed when he heard that.
Artie said that everything becomes hell on this drug because you plan your life around it. He said that he has to take it a couple of times in an hour. He was trying to figure out how he was going to fly to Los Angeles and not take it. Howard sounded very surprised at how frequently Artie had to take heroin.
Artie said that he never did the stuff there at the show. Howard figured he was doing it there but Artie insisted that he never did. He said that he had to go through the withdrawals there.
Artie went on to talk about this trip to Los Angeles and how he had pulled it off before when he was on drugs. He said that he had everything planned out and how he was going to get through it all. He said he had it all planned in his head and it was all going to start at 6:50 in the morning and go until 1 am.
Artie said that he ran out of heroin the night before at midnight. He fell asleep and woke up at 4:30 when his alarm went off. He got into a bit of a frenzy because he wasn't packed and didn't have anything organized. He said he started to run around and lost track of the time. He said that he had taken a Subutex within 3 hours of taking the heroin and that's not a good thing. He's supposed to wait until he's going through the withdrawals. He said that he got violently ill because of that.
Artie said that he tried to go into the shower and wasn't able to do anything. He was trying to get on the plane with no bag and just buy clothes out in L.A. instead. He said he's done that before so that's no big deal. Artie said that his whole goal was to just get on the plane. He just needed his jokes.
Artie said that he was in the shower freaking out because he realized what he had done by taking the Subutex when he did. He said he didn't know what to do at that point so he kept delaying the time that he could get to the airport. He said that every time he'd get out of the shower he'd sweat so much that he'd have to shower again. He eventually just gave up and figured he wouldn't make it to the roast.
Artie said that he didn't know how bad things were going to get at that point so he had a call into his doctor and to a pharmacy. He wanted to know what might be happening to him. He wondered if he was going to die at that point.
Artie said that he was out of his mind at that point so he wondered who to call. He called his lawyer, Jarred Levine, and figured he'd know what to do. He said it was about 1 in the morning L.A. time so he left Jarred a voice mail. He told him that he was really sick and wasn't going to make it out there. He only told him that he was really sick.
Artie said that he got so sick that he was almost literally turning green. Howard said that it would have pissed him off if he had gotten super hero powers out of this experience. Artie said he could have told Howard the formula for how to get them if he had.
Artie said that he figured that he was going to die at 41 years old. Then he got a call from his lawyer. He said that he felt really guilty that he was doing this to these guys who put the roast together. Jarred told him that he had spoken to Joel Gallen and Joel just wanted him to get better. Artie told Jarred that he was just sick with the flu or something.
Artie said that Jarred called Joel and Joel wanted to talk to him. Artie said that this roast was really important to Joel and he was just trying to do a show. They were going to send him a private jet with a medic on board and they'd have a doctor meet him out there. They were willing to do just about anything to get him out there. Artie said that they were going to spend $65,000 to fly him out there and if he was still too sick out there, they would just eat that. Artie said that he was pondering actually doing it at that point.
Artie said that he wasn't being truthful with these people and he wasn't sure if he could pull it off. He said that he was going to go out there and he knew he wouldn't be 100 percent. He said that they'd all be joking about him being a junkie and a blob. He said that he knew that he might die flying out there or die on the show. He said he had already promised Howard that he'd die on his show so he couldn't go out and die out there.
Artie said that he could have gone to these people out there and told them to shoot him up with morphine and he'd be fine. He thought about doing that and he was willing to give it a try just to figure out if it would work. Artie said that he finally said that he just can't do this and he has to go get help. He told Jarred what was going on and he told Joel what was going on and they were very cool about the whole thing. He said that they were so cool about it. Artie said that he loves Joel and the people at Comedy Central.
Artie said that he called the pharmacy and asked if he could take Tylenol with the stuff he had taken. He got the okay for that and somehow fell asleep for four hours. He drove himself to a detox center that he knew about in Jersey. He said it's not the greatest facility but he checked in for an overnight stay. He said that he had checked in as an inpatient but they would only let him out if he had a therapist check him out first.
Artie said that he called the guy that Richard Lewis told him about and the guy was like a wise old man who was expecting his call. He got him out of that place and the guy is now taking care of him.
Artie said that he got himself out of the detox and into the care of this guy. He said that Richard was right because he's never had a connection with a guy like he did with this guy. He said that he's a brilliant guy and he's spoken to him a lot. He said that they've been doing an hour a day now.
Artie said that he got the heroin out of him and started back on the Subutex. Now the doctor wants him to just take them when he's really needing them. He said that he can't just pop them like he has been.
Artie said that he that all straightened out and got the foreword that Howard wrote. He said that his intro was so touching that it inspired him. He said that his therapist read it and he was impressed by it too. He said the guy isn't even a big fan of the show. Howard wondered why there are so many people out there who aren't big fans. Artie said this guy is like 70 years old.
The therapist told him to carry that foreword to inspire him to stay off the drugs. Artie said the guy told him to just carry a copy with him all the time so he can read it when he feels the need. Artie said that it was very powerful to him. Howard said that Beth kind of read it stone faced but eventually said that she thought that Artie would love it.
Artie said that he needs something to move him and this foreword that Howard wrote is probably what will do it for him. Artie said that people are probably going to buy the book just so they can read the foreword. He said that it came at an incredible time too.
Robin asked Artie how long he's been off the stuff. He said he's been sober for 8 days and his goal is to stop drinking and all of that stuff. He said that he's not going to be able to see his therapist today and he's kind of pissed about that.
Artie said that this seems to be going great because he gets along with this guy so well. He said he got a call from Dana while all of this was going on too. Artie said that his agent put out a press release and that led to him feeling kind of bad that he didn't give the story to Howard 100 News. Howard said that Tim Sabean was kind of pissed that they didn't give them the story. Artie said he did call Shuli and tell him about most of this but Tim must have told them to save it for the show.
Artie said that he had a very lucrative gig that he had to pass on at Foxwoods. He said that they were very understanding up there and he will reschedule the gig up there. He said that his therapist told him that he couldn't do that gig. It was the first gig he had ever canceled like that. He said that the worst was canceling for Bob Levy's club. He said he talked to Bob and he wanted to go out with him and ''not drink'' but he has seen Bob out there on the road lately and he figured it would be best not to go out.
Howard and Robin talked about what they thought was going on with Artie. Robin said she knew that something was up with him the way he was nodding off during the show. Artie said that some of that had nothing to do with the drugs.
The caller said that he thinks that they're letting Artie off the hook too easy and they should do more for him. He said that Robin saw what was going on and she didn't do anything. Howard said he had no clue that Artie was on anything. He said that he also subscribes to the belief that he's a grown man and he should be able to take care of his own problems. Artie did show up to work.
Artie said that he really likes this therapist and he thinks that he's going to do really good with this guy. The caller asked Artie if he would be willing to be censured if he falls off the wagon again. Howard said that it's not their responsibility to get Artie off of drugs.
The caller said that Howard is the teacher in the classroom and he has to do something. Howard said that if that's the case, he wants out of that position. He said that it's not up to him to do anything to get Artie off of the stuff. The caller said that he is responsible to do stuff fro him.
Howard said that they wrote something about how his wife begged him, as he was dying, not to go. Robin said that they had him in a medical coma and he kind of woke up and that's when she asked him not to leave her. Bernie told her that his body was tired.
Howard played some audio of Bernie doing some of his act about smart assed kids. Howard said that guy was really funny. He played some more clips from his act where Bernie talks about his fucked up family. Howard said that he hopes Bernie Mac rests in peace.
Howard said that Bernie has been on the show a few times but he only knew him through the show. He said that he seemed to be doing really well in his career and everyone got excited when he came on the show. He said that he spoke in a way that was fantastic. He loved that delivery he had.
Artie said that Bernie was one of those guys who was on the road from the age of 17. He wasn't making a lot of money on the road and he'd perform in the subway to make money according to Robin.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he had a near death experience this weekend. He said he was out on his boat and it exploded. He said that he was all by himself and the boat caught fire. Howard laughed when he heard that. Dominic said he's done with boats now. Howard said that it's always a disaster for Dominic on the boat.
Gary asked if he got rescued in his underwear. Dominic said that's what happened. Howard asked if people reported a sperm whale in the water.
Dominic said that he was in the water and listening to his Stiletto when it happened so he was thinking about the guys on the show when it was burning. Dominic said he was wearing the same shoes he was wearing when he fell in the East River. Howard said that Dominic has to stay out of the water. He's seen a lot of bad things happen with him on that boat.
Dominic said that the Coast Guard showed up and they knew who he was and they were all saying they couldn't wait to call into the show. Howard asked what caused the fire. Dominic said that he doesn't know exactly what caused the fire. Something to do with an intake manifold being clogged or something like that.
Howard said that something wasn't adding up with this story. Dominic said that he was just relaxing out on the boat and he had his pants off. Howard said that made no sense and he wondered if he was jerking off or something. Dominic said he was moving too fast to do that.
Dominic told the story about how he found the fire on the boat and how he had to get on the radio to call out for a mayday. He said they should be able to get tape of that. There is no video of him in his underwear though. Howard did his impression of Dominic calling out his mayday and said that the Coast Guard must not have understood what he was saying. It turns out Dominic got onto some guy's boat and never went into the water. He said this nice guy had pulled up next to his boat and picked him up.
Fred played the ''Shaft'' theme song which was written and performed by Isaac Hayes. Artie also reminded people that he was the voice of Chef on ''South Park.'' Howard said that he quit that show because they made fun of Scientology and he was a devout Scientologist.
Howard had Fred play some of Hayes' other songs that he liked. Robin talked about his album ''Hot Buttered Soul .''
Howard had a caller on the line and the guy said he was at the gym where he sees people stretching people out all the time. He said that the trainers usually use a towel on the guys but when they're stretching out a hot chick, they don't use a towel. Howard said he knows just what he's referring to because he's seen that going on at the gym. The caller said that he has to think about what Beth is going through when she's training. Artie said that you have to put that out of your head or you'll go nuts.
Howard said that Beth is training for the NYC Marathon and he ran with her for 6 of the 15 miles she was going to be doing. He said that she's rock solid right now. He said that she's running for the North Shore Animal League to raise money for them.
The caller said that he was glad they were back from vacation and figured that they'd be going away the last week of the summer. Howard said that they always do. He let that guy go and went to break.
Oprah said that she wants to come in and ride the Sybian and that she's a squirter so Gary had better bring his goggles. She also joked about how she had dropped Stedman so she could go out with Jim Florentine. She even knew Artie's name. She asked Artie if the toilets there could handle hefty people like they are.
Howard said that he read that Mel wants to move out of the building when their lease is up because it's so expensive. Oprah said she hopes that she and Martha Stewart can use double ended dildos on each other at some point for Howard TV.
Oprah said that she had a baby out of wedlock and that baby's name is Beetlejuice. Howard said he was impressed that she knew so much about the show. She said that she's a big fan. She was also asking if Howard could hook her up with Lebron James.
Oprah said that she was wearing her big, purple sweat pants, just like you'd expect to see her in. Howard said that he would like her to tap her clit against the phone. Oprah tapped something and then said that she wasn't quite erect yet. Howard thanked her for calling in and let her go a short time later.
Howard said that was something else with her banging her clit on the phone. He said they had the wrong impression of her. Artie said that's going to end up in Page Six tomorrow.
Howard played another tape of Madonna congratulating them on the merger. It was another goof of course. They had A-Rod in the room with her as she was giving her congratulations in her British accent.
Howard said that everyone is happy about this merger except for the NAB. He said that they say that it's inconsequential. Howard said that he loves this service and he listens to the music channels all the time. Robin said she was listening to The Chill the other day. Howard said he listens to the Spa channel, Lithium, Buzz Saw and a bunch of others.
Howard said that this chick that he was with is so crazy that she won't let them do a paternity test on her baby because she's thinking that he's going to marry her when his wife kicks. Howard said that Edwards isn't going to marry this chick.
Howard said that Edwards said that he waited until his wife was in remission before he cheated on her. He said that wasn't the brightest thing to say. Howard said that he wouldn't want him as a trial lawyer after hearing that.
Howard said that the National Enquirer seems to be doing a great job because they brought this story out a few weeks ago. Robin said that she had read about it a while back and knew what her driver was talking about when he asked her if she had heard about this story.
Howard played a song parody that a fan created about Artie going to rehab. He had all of the details about his missing the Bob Saget roast and all of that in the song.
Howard also played a couple of news reports where they talked about Artie's visit to rehab. In two of the reports they said that Artie has been addicted to food. One guy asked what hasn't he been addicted to. Artie blurted out ''Your show...'' when he heard that question.
Howard said that if he were John Edwards, he would have just gone on Nightline and said that just about everyone out there is cheating on their spouses and that's what he was up to. Robin said that she got a note from Judith Regan who said that they should have asked John McCain about cheating on his previous wife as well. She said that he applied for his second marriage license when he was still married to his first wife. Robin had gotten the names screwed up so Howard had to straighten that out before going on with the story.
Robin went on to talk about how McCain had gone back to his wife after being in Viet Nam and didn't like what he saw when he came home. He ended up leaving her for this new wife of his. She said that she was going to look into that more to find out if that's all true though.
Howard said that if he were John Edwards he'd just tell people that he got weak and he wanted to fuck someone else. He said the guy is a good looking guy and he can get some other women so he wants to take advantage of that. He said that the guy is a man and he has needs.
Another caller said that he's been clean for 5 years now. He was doing the same stuff that Artie was doing. The guy said that things are tough and you have to stay in touch with your friends and stay on the meds and stay in therapy. The guy was breathing kind of heavy so Howard asked if he was on an oxygen tank. The guy said he was just nervous but Fred started playing oxygen tank sound effects for the guy.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Artie if he had cried in therapy. Artie said that of course he has. He said that he started to cry when he found out the doctor wasn't in his insurance plan and he'd have to pay for it himself.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. He said that she's in Hampton's Magazine and she's looking good in there. Howard said that Beth figured that she might not know about it and he had to tell her. Howard said that she has to know about it and she probably has it hanging in a frame already.
Lisa said that they have some questions from staff members there for Artie. she was about to get into that but Howard said that he was going to get his finger tattooed tomorrow. Lisa asked if she could go with him. Howard said that Shanghai Kate is coming in to do it there tomorrow.
Howard said that he's getting a ''B'' tattooed to his finger and Beth thinks that it's really romantic. Howard said he can change it to ''Bitch'' if she ever leaves him. He doesn't know if it should face him or face the public. The guys told him that it should be there so he can read it. Howard said he thinks that it should be toward other people so they can read it.
Howard said that he had the B picked out and it's going to be kind of like the script B that he has on his necklace.
Fred asked Howard if it was true that there's an 18 month rule about getting a tattoo for their spouse that says that relationships only last 18 months from the time they get that tattoo. Howard said that he's not sure about that and Hulk Hogan was married for 30 years. Robin said they don't know how happy that relationship was though.
Robin said that she doesn't think that he's crazy to do this. A caller told Howard that you always put the tattoo on you so other people can read it. He said that everything is supposed to face down on the appendage you're getting it on. The caller had 15 or 20 tattoos so he knows the rules. He said that he'd never get a name or initial of a woman on him.
Howard said that he's starting to wonder if he's doing the right thing now as this gets closer. Fred told him to get a temporary tattoo instead of a real one.
Lisa asked if Beth is getting a wedding band. Howard said that she is and it will have diamonds in it. Lisa gasped when she heard that. Howard asked her what she was doing this weekend and found out she was having a good time out in Sag Harbor.
Howard took a call from a guy pretending to be Beth. She said that she was getting an S but it wasn't going to stand for Stern. It was going to have a line through it so it would look like a dollar sign. She also told him that the B can stand for Broke when she leaves him.
Gary came in and said that Lisa has been watching a web cam on a court house keeping an eye out for Howard and Beth going in to get married. Howard told her to calm down with that nonsense.
Lisa got back to her news report and said that some of the guys were wondering if Artie's last sick day was because of heroin. Artie said that it was because of the heroin. He said that it's not every time that he's been out that it's because of the drugs though.
Lisa said that when Artie hit his eye, did that have to do with the drugs. Artie said that he was loopy from the shit that day too. Artie said that his therapist told him that you really can screw things up because William Holden hit his head and bled to death.
Artie said that he didn't feel any pain from that knock on the head and he didn't even need any medication to help him out. He said that he really did trip and fall but it was from being loopy. Howard said that would motivate him to get off of heroin if that was him.
Howard said that the eye injury was back in May so Artie has been on that shit for more than 7 weeks like he claimed. Artie said that he couldn't lie and said that he was loopy back then. Robin said that she knew something was going on with him back then but Howard said he's not sure about that.
Artie said that he heard the replay of the day he and Howard had the ''bro'' argument and that was all based on something that Robin got wrong.
Lisa said that they found a hole in Artie's wall at his shore house. Artie said that was when he was trying to tie his shoe and fell into it. He said that he didn't even realize that he had done that until about 4 hours later.
Howard asked Artie if he's ever fucked on heroin. Artie said that he has but you can't cum. He said that you last forever on that stuff. Howard asked why they don't make something that could stop guys from premature ejaculation. Artie said that there is a certain amount of cocaine that can do that for you. It makes you last longer and the orgasm is insane.
Robin said she thought that marijuana was the best sex drug. Howard cut that conversation off and had Lisa get back to her news. She went on to talk about Jim Florentine's interview on the Jay Thomas show last week that started off kind of shaky. She said that Jim was giving one word answers for the first few minutes of the interview after Jay called him a ''lame duck interview.''
Lisa said that the Iron Sheik is going back out on the road with the Killers of Comedy. She also wondered what happened with the wedding essay contest because High Pitch Mike has been waiting to hear about the wedding. Howard said that Jerry O'Connell won a shot at going and his essay was a little better than Mike's. Artie said he didn't want to open a can of worms but he told Lisa to tell him that he's kind of odd looking and Jerry is a good looking celebrity.
Howard said that Seth Rogen is coming in and he really enjoyed the movie. He said that he got to see the second half of the movie but Robin didn't. Howard said that Seth is very talented and he's got a big career going right now. Robin said that he shouldn't be a big star though. He doesn't look the part.
Howard said James Franco is in the movie too and he doesn't look like himself. Robin said that he's very funny in the movie too. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said it would be funny of Julie said that she had held the kids and Voight hadn't. He played through some more of the interview and goofed on the guy a little more.
Howard had Seth Rogen come in a short time later. He said that they made $45 million at the box office this weekend. Howard said that Seth wrote Superbad and helped write ''Knocked up'' and ''Pineapple Express.'' He asked Seth if he gets nervous when they come out. Seth said that they are pretty inexpensive to make but they do make him nervous. He said that they did very well with this new one already so they're out of the woods.
Howard asked Seth how he got into the movies and if it's true that he smokes a lot of weed. Seth said that he does smoke a lot and he's smoked since high school. Howard said that he can't smoke anymore because it's too much for him. He said that he had no idea how intense the stuff had gotten.
Seth said he can't smoke during the filming of a movie because he does get paranoid. Howard said they do make it very funny in the movie and he wondered if he worries about encouraging the kids to do it. Seth said he thinks that they should smoke it and he doesn't worry about that at all.
Howard asked about the hot chick in the movie, Amber Heard, and who she is. Seth said that she was dating some 35 year old guy at the time of the shoot and they were doing a scene where she was dating an older man and made it seem kind of creepy. Seth said that she also dated Crispen Glover.
Howard said that the interns were fighting over who was going to get him to sign a release today and they're hot chicks. Seth said that he's been dating a chick for a few years now but he does have a whole new mindset over hot chicks because he figures he could get a lot of them now that he's where he's at.
Seth has been writing movies since he was 13 and his parents always encouraged him to do it. He said that he's from Vancouver, British Columbia but his father is from Newark so he's very cultured.
Howard asked Seth about the weed smoking and how his girlfriend handles it. He said that she'd prefer that he eat it or get a vaporizer or something. He said he can't eat it though because he's trying to lose weight.
Howard asked Seth if he ever thinks that maybe he's too baked to have a big movie career. Seth said that he feels he could branch out and do other stuff like Harrison Ford has done because he's heard that Ford smokes a lot of weed.
Howard asked Seth if the best thing in his career was hooking up with Judd Apatow. He said that it really was. He said that he got his first job because of that guy. He said that he was plucked right out of high school when he did the TV show ''Freaks and Geeks.'' Howard read that he's been writing comedy since he was 13 and he used to do stand-up back then. Seth said that he has tapes of that old stuff so Howard told him he would like to see that stuff. Robin pointed out that Seth dropped out of high school and smokes weed all the time so he's quite the role model.
Howard and Seth talked about Seth's writing partner, Evan, and how he has no interest in being on camera. Seth said he really doesn't want to be on camera at all. Seth said that he and Evan are writing The Green Hornet together. Howard said that he loves Batman and Spider-Man because they treat them very seriously. He said that he hopes that they're going to do that with The Green Hornet. Seth said that they will be doing that but they're also going to point out some of the funny stuff they leave out in those movies. They'll have more detail about the whole relationship between The Green Hornet and Kato. Seth said that they're looking for a director for The Green Hornet.
Seth said that the first time he ever saw Howard was in Private Parts and he looked at him as if he were a movie star and not as a radio guy. Howard asked Seth if he ever thought he was going to be a movie star. Seth said that he used to make lists of fat guys who were famous and he never thought he would be one.
Howard asked Seth how he ended up getting James Franco to play the part in the movie. Seth said that he and James worked on Freaks and Geeks together. Seth said he never thought that James would do the movie or even talk to him again. He said that he liked the script and wanted to play the goofy stoner guy so that's the part they gave to him.
Howard said that Seth's success is going to go to his head eventually and he will probably want to bang other chicks and not just his girlfriend. Seth is 26 years old and said that sex isn't something he aims for. He said that he's kind of lame sexually. He said he wouldn't want to ruin his life just to have sex. He said he's not really into marriage though and he's not sure if he even wants to have kids. Howard said he'll come around eventually.
Howard said that Seth is going to have a lot of temptation out there in this industry. Seth said he knows that, he works with a lot of porn stars in these movies he does. He said that he did one movie where he was doing a scene with a stripper and he could see her asshole hair as she was stripping.
Howard said that Seth turned down a role in a big movie. Seth said he can't even remember what the name of the movie was. He said that he has one rule and it's ''Would I go see this movie'' when he reads a script. He said that he wouldn't go see that movie. He said that he will be playing the part of the Green Hornet when they make that movie. He said that he's going to be working out and getting into shape, or trying to anyway. He said that if he can't get into shape then they're going to have a fat Green Hornet.
Seth said that his diet is rough on him and even rougher when he smokes weed and gets hungry from that. He said that he smokes every morning and he loves his bong. He said that he might just take three hits or something in the morning. He won't smoke a whole joint.
Seth said that he has tried other stuff like coke, ecstasy, shrooms and other stuff. He hasn't tried heroin. He said his parents were okay with him smoking pot because they once caught him with an ounce of shrooms in his back pack. He said they were okay with the pot after they found that.
Howard said that Seth was a staff writer for ''Da Ali G Show'' and he had no idea bout that. Seth said that he and Evan both wrote for that show and they'd come up with the crazy stuff that he'd do on that show. He said that they came up with a lot of crazy shit for that show. Evan said that Sacha Baron Cohen was a great guy.
Seth said that he's going to be working with Adam Sandler in a film soon. He said that Judd Apatow's next movie is going to have him and Adam Sandler in it. Howard said that this is crazy and asked him how much he's worth. Seth said he really doesn't know.
Howard asked Seth how big his penis is. Seth said it's probably normal. He said that it's a good size and it's a text book penis.
Howard read that Seth was a brown belt in Karate. Seth said that he can handle himself pretty well. He knows all of the moves but he took it at a Jewish community center and not some crazy dojo. Howard told Seth he's doing very well.
Howard said that they didn't beat Batman and asked if he was bummed out about that. He said that they're happy that they did as well as they did with a weed film. He said that they've probably made more than any other weed film already.
Howard asked Seth if he's got any shitty stuff going on in his life. Seth said that his girlfriend wants a dog and he doesn't but that's about it. Howard asked why she's trying to complicate things. Howard asked if he uses a rubber with her. Seth said that he doesn't because she's on the pill. He said that she doesn't' want to be pregnant and doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. Seth said that he'd probably leave her if she had a kid too. He said he'd tell her to keep that rat if she wanted to raise it.
Howard asked Seth how he got hooked up with Adam Sandler. Seth said that Judd Apatow has known him for a long time. Howard said that he really enjoyed ''Pineapple Express'' because he could sit around watching people get high all day long. He wondered if it's hard to pitch it to a studio. Seth said that they started pitching that movie back in 2001 so it's not easy to get it done.
Howard asked Seth if they smoke real weed in the movie. Seth said it's this fake stuff that's really gross. He said that it'll probably kill him in a few years like the silver paint did to the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Gary looked it up and said that wasn't true and the guy died of a heart attack. Seth gave Gary a ''fuck you'' and said that he hates the internet because of that. He said he's always wrong about stuff now that people can look it up so fast.
Howard took some phone calls for Seth after that. A few guys said that they really like Seth and the movies he's been in. One guy asked about shows like Robot Chicken and stuff like that. Seth said he likes that stuff. Hanzi called in and said he thought the movie was great. He said that he smoke 450 roaches one time on New Years. Seth said he knows a lot of guys like that.
A few more callers told Seth how funny his movie was. One guy asked Seth about this one chick, Linda Cardellini, that was on Freaks and Geeks with him and how hot she is. Howard asked Seth if he smoked weed before the show today. Seth laughed and said that it's way too early for that.
One caller asked Seth about the time he and his buddies were smoking fake weed on MTV during the movie awards and the camera pulled back. Seth said that they told them ahead of time that they were going to do it and they told them 30 seconds before they went on that they couldn't do the bit. He said they went out and did it anyway.
Seth said that he did TRL the other day and they told him not to mention weed at all when they were promoting the movie. That's what the whole movie is about.
One caller took a hit off his bong and told Seth to give him a call if he ever needs anyone for his movies. Seth said that he thinks the appropriate age to start smoking is around 13. Howard told Seth that he and Robin enjoyed the movie and then wrapped up and went to break.
Howard said that he had a story about Matthew McConaughey where he talks about planting his kid's placenta in an orchard. He said that it's so self serving to do something like that.
Howard said that it turns out Seth Rogen was owed an apology about the tin man thing. He said that Buddy Ebsen was supposed to play the part and the paint made him sick.
Howard said that their friend Lisa Lampanelli is going to be at Radio City Music Hall on September 13th and he forgot to mention that when ''Oprah'' called in earlier.
Howard also mentioned that he saw Kevin Costner when he was leaving work the Thursday before vacation. He said that Kevin was there at SIRIUS and he stopped to talk to him for a few minutes. He said that he's a big fan of some of Kevin's movies so that was kind of cool. He said that he loved the movie ''The Bodyguard'' when he was banging Whitney Houston. He said that's when she was still hot back then.
Howard said he was walking out and Kevin was there with his band. He said that Kevin pulled him into a room and told him that he was a big fan of the show. Howard said that Kevin said that he appreciated him backing him up with stuff over the years and he appreciated that. Howard said that he spoke to him for about 10 minutes and Kevin kicked his band mates out of the room while they were talking. Howard said he seemed like a nice dude.
Howard said that he didn't remember that thing that went on with Kevin on his honeymoon that Robin brought up. Howard said that he had asked Kevin about his pending marriage and what he thought about that. Howard said the guy treated him like a human being so he really appreciated that.
Howard said that Gary sent him this message that they got from a radio industry thing where they were congratulating syndicated radio personalities of the year and John Tesh was on the list. Howard said that's how bad the radio industry has gotten that they give John Tesh an award for being the best syndicated radio host.
Howard said that those guys were funny and they were great on the show. Artie said that they were hilarious on the show. He said that he thought they were performance artists when they were on but Howard said they believed their shit. Howard said they gave them hours of entertainment. He said that he knew that kid was having troubles but didn't know the whole story. His name was Eric Liebowitz.
Steve also had a story about Captain Janks being sued in small claims court over a gig he collected money for and didn't show up to. They also have a story about KC Armstrong who claims he had a misunderstanding with a rental car company. He kept his rental car for 3 or 4 months longer than he was supposed to. Howard said he's going to call in to talk about that. He ran out of time today to get to him.
Steve said they have a story about Martha Stewart doing a new show. They also have a story about Gary and Artie hosting a showing of the movie ''Tropic Thunder'' for veterans and military guys. That led to Howard and Robin talking about how they saw that movie and loved it. Howard said that the movie is really funny. He said that Jack Black plays a character that is actually Artie.
Artie said that he's hosting that and also doing a stand-up gig tomorrow night. He said that they're doing this gig for a guy who doesn't have any insurance and he has operable cancer. He said that the benefit will really help the guy and they're doing that at the Gotham Comedy Club at 8 o'clock.
Steve wrapped up and then Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down his list of stuff that they were going to cover today.
Robin also talked about going to Poland during her vacation and how she went to the concentration camps while she was over there. She said that it's something you have to see to believe what went on over there. Howard told stories about his mother telling him about the concentration camps so he feels as if he were there himself after hearing them.
Robin talked about the ovens they had over there and how they would march people in there. She said that they used to shoot everyone before they had the gas chambers. She said that they have quotes from the Nazis where they were happy about the gas chambers because they didn't have the same kind of blood bath that they did. She said it was amazing. She talked about seeing Schindler's apartment and some other stuff.
Robin got back into her news and talked about Bernie Mac's death. She had some background on his lung problems. She said that they had to induce a coma and Bernie didn't make it. She had some clips of people talking about Bernie's death.
Robin talked about Isaac Hayes dying and how he was found next to a running treadmill. She played some of his music and read some details about his life. Howard talked a little more about what he was saying about Hayes earlier in the morning. He said he really liked some of his music.
Robin had some news about John Edwards having an affair with a videographer. She had some audio of Edwards explaining it and the woman giving her side of the story. She had more about the Olympics and how Bob Costas was asking President Bush about politics instead of sticking to sports.
Robin had some various news about Hillary Clinton going out and campaigning for Barack Obama, some clips of Seth Rogen talking about his new movie and more. Howard said that Artie was actually standing up now and not falling asleep like he usually would by this time.
Robin had some news about The Dark Knight movie making some ridiculous amount of money. She said it's right behind Titanic. She had some more clips of George Lopez commenting on Bernie Mac's death. She wrapped up her news segment a short time later. Howard ended the show around 10:20am.
Artie said that it was going to be fun going to that roast. He heard that they were still joking about him even though he didn't show up. He said he heard that Saget made some references to him dying that were supposedly pretty funny.
Jon said that it sounded like Artie was very excited about this roast. Artie said he was looking forward to it and he was going to hang with Jimmy Kimmel after the roast. He said that the after parties at those things are great. He said that he had a whole agenda that was going to be fun but it all went to shit because of his horrible addiction.
Jon asked Artie about how Robin seemed to be jumping out of the gate to talk to him about this stuff. He asked if it got on his nerves that she wanted to point out how right she was. Artie said that Robin is the voice of support in the back whenever anyone is down. He said that she was entertaining during that ''bro'' argument but she's the one piling on and she can be an outright liar during that stuff too.
Artie said that Robin goes through some insane shit herself and she just sucks it up and takes it so he tries to do the same. Gary said that Ham Hands Bill is working on a song parody about Artie. Artie said he could imagine what that's like. He did his impression of Bill and goofed on his song parodies a little bit.
Artie told some stories about his pool playing days and how he and his friend Deej used to set people up in pool games and try to scam them out of money. He said that this one time he blew it and ended up losing 800 bucks to a guy. He said that Deej was really pissed at him after that.
Artie told some other stories about the guys he used to play with. He said that he once played a kid who kept playing double or nothing and the kid ended up owing him $250,000 by the end of the night. He said that he worked out a deal with the kid to get him a radio installed in his car for free. The kid got him the radio and they called the $250,000 even after that. Artie said that his car died one day after that and he ended up leaving it on the side of the road near Newark Airport so he ripped the radio out and took the licence plates off and walked home.
Jon asked Artie about the pool playing some more so Artie got into some details about the billiards league he plays in and how he has a table at his house down at the Jersey Shore now. He said that he went to just play pool the night he got the heroin again. He said that the wrong guy asked him at the right time if he wanted any and that led to him getting hooked again.
Jon asked Artie how he's able to stop the way he did when he was going to Afghanistan. Artie said that he knew that things were going to go really bad eventually so he had to make it stop before he did the USO tour. He said that it meant enough to him that he stopped it before he left. Gary said that Artie handled that whole trip really well and that was kind of surprising.
Gary said that when they got back from the tour people noticed that Artie was very happy and talkative. Artie said that he was wired from the trip and the pressure was off of him at that point. He said the ugliness was gone and he was feeling really good after that.
Gary said that the USO guy that was helping them out noticed that Artie had changed after the tour was over. Artie said that had nothing to do with the drugs. He said that he always got like that when he was growing up and he must be bi-polar or something. He said he hopes to be happy by the time he retires but he's not sure if that will happen either.
Jon asked Artie about the foreword that Howard wrote for his book. Artie said that it really blew him away and his mother and sister felt better about his recovery after they read it because they knew how much it meant to him. Artie said that it's really extraordinary and everyone can read ''Too Fat To Fish'' when it comes out in his book on November 11th. He said you can pre-order it on amazon.com now.
Jon asked Artie about his therapy and what he's thinking about that. Artie said that he's never met a guy that he's clicked with on any level. He said that he felt like some of them were just pill pushers. He said that this guy is different. He said that he usually gets to a point in therapy where he just figures he's done but this guy is different and he's having an easier time talking to him.
Artie said that he likes that Richard Lewis called him with the name of this doctor. He said that Richard just gets it and he knew that he'd need that number. He said that things are going great at this point.
Jon took some phone calls after that. One woman said that she's glad that Artie is getting some help. She said that she has Multiple Sclerosis and she really appreciates the show and she wants Artie around. Artie said that he can't compare what he's going through to what she's going through. She told him that it will eventually hit him that he's going to be okay. Artie told her to have her daughters come down when they turn 18. He was just joking about that of course.
Another caller said that he's glad that Artie is getting some help. He said that without Artie on the show he'd probably be on heroin himself. He said he hopes that he's going to be at his show on September 12th. Artie said that he's going to reschedule Foxwoods and all of the other dates are going to be honored.
One guy called in and said that he went up to MGM to see Artie's show and as he was checking in he got the call about him canceling. Artie said that he feels insanely guilty over that because he's never done something like that before. The caller said it took him 2 and a half hours to get up there and it wasn't until he got there that he found out it was canceled. The caller said that he wasn't looking for anything but Artie told him that he'd get him into the show for free.
Artie said that he heard that Foxwoods is really nice and much nicer than it was 12 years ago when he did a show with Norm MacDonald up there. He said that he and Norm had a huge room up there when they did the show there.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that they all know that Artie is a man's man but everyone fucks up at some point. He said that he shouldn't feel so bad about the whole deal. He said that he should be glad that he's back at work with his buddies.
Another caller said that he lost a few bucks up there at Foxwoods but the place was very nice. He said that he had a present for Artie that he's not going to bring for him next time. He said that he had some extras for him. Jon asked Artie about that and how fans will bring him stuff like that. Artie said that a lot of people probably think that he's bullshitting on the air and they want to party with him.
Artie said that he had a smokin hot chick come up to him and asked him to come up to her room and do coke with her. He said he had the will power to not do it.
The caller said that it's just a way to meet the person and hang out with them in a different way. Artie said that he's had therapists come up to him and tell him that he can never ever have a drink ever in his life again. He said that could never happen with him. The caller also asked for free tickets so Artie hooked him up but cut off the avalanche for free tickets by saying he had to go. He said that he has to smooth things over with the people up at Foxwoods before he does another show anyway.
Artie said that he could have just ended up doing more and more of that crap if he hadn't gotten the help. He said that he uses it as a crutch and if he hadn't crashed the way he did, he'd probably still be doing it.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Artie if this was a way to get Dana back in his life. Artie said that as much as he loves Dana, this had nothing to do with her.
Gary asked Artie where he was getting this stuff from. Artie said that it was more local than Delaware but he wasn't saying where it came from. He said that he would like to talk about it but he never will. He said he was getting celebrity treatment at the time.
Artie said that he was writing his book about the heroin use while he was back on heroin. He said that he thought that it would be more creative that way but that's not the way it came out.
Karen said that she had met Artie before and that's why she wasn't freaking out meeting him. Benjy said that she was making him feel really good but he has the feeling she does the same thing when she sees the sidewalk outside.
Shuli told Karen to tell them how she got there. She tried to tell the story but it wasn't coming out. She said that she loves Artie. She said that she met Artie up in Boston and took a picture of his butt crack in the window. Artie thanked her for that.
Shuli said that she met Doug Goodstein out on the street and started crying. Gary said that he'd like to introduce her to Howard. She said that she didn't know what to do. Her husband was there too so Artie asked him if he was as excited as her. He didn't sound quite that excited.
Karen said that she met Doug crossing the street one day and she was just staring at him. He said hello to her and she freaked out. Doug came in around that time and talked about how that went down. Gary said tit was very nice to meet her. He asked her to call his wife and tell her to react like that with him.
Shuli said that Karen has been rating all of the people as they came in to meet her in the green room. She was crying about meeting everyone but High Pitch Mike.
Karen said that she remembers the first time she saw Howard on his channel 9 show when he was doing his ''Pee Wee's Play With Yourself House.'' She was saying that this is in her top 3 moments of her whole life. She wanted to put it at number 2 but that was taken by her speaking at her grandmother's funeral.
Karen was crying and telling the guys how much she loves them but Jon had to go to break. Artie said that this is the way he'd react if he met the cast of Frasier.
Jon asked if there was any awkwardness in the studio. Benjy said that he remembers the first time Artie talked about his heroin use and how he cried. Today wasn't the same thing. It's like they're used to it now.
Gary said that they kind of knew the story already so it wasn't so surprising. Jon said that they did know about it and it had happened before so it wasn't quite as shocking.
Benjy said that he wanted to congratulate Artie but then he figured he has a long way to go before they can start doing that. Gary said that Kinison would come in all the time and brag that he had his 60 day chip and then come in a couple of months later and say he had his 30 day chip. He would always fall off the wagon.
A caller asked Gary if he feels like an idiot now that he's been proven wrong for defending Artie all the time. Gary said he doesn't feel like an idiot. He said that Artie has come a long way over the years and things are going well for him. Jon said that he hopes that he stays on that road he's on now.
The caller asked if they will think twice from now on if something happens. Gary said that they always think twice. Gary said that he doesn't feel stupid about it and he has to take the guy at his word. He said they may have less patience with it from now on though.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked how they think that Howard is going to react to Artie's lies. Gary said that addicts lie and that's just the way things are. The guy said that an intervention should have been done long ago. Gary said he's not sure what they could have done for him. He asked the caller what they should have done. Jon asked the guy if Howard should have said something to him. The caller thinks that they should have done something when he started falling asleep on the show.
The guy said that sooner or later, enough's enough. Gary said that Artie had been clean and sober for a few years. He said that maybe they should put Richard in a program too if that's this guy's thinking. The caller said that Richard doesn't miss work though. The caller said that Artie has missed days because of the drugs.
Teddy got on mic and said that her voice was very strange when she was talking about Howard and Beth's cocktail party. He said he should pull the clip for them to listen to. They talked about how Lisa seems to be getting over the whole wedding thing but they're not sure if she's just saying that to get the attention off of her.
Gary called Sal in to talk about something but then he realized that he wanted to save it for Howard's show instead of this one.
Jon asked Sal about the way Lisa reacts around Howard. Sal said that she's pathetic and she's just doing it to get into the spotlight. Gary said that Lisa is around a lot of celebrities but there's something about Howard that's a cut above all of them. Sal said she's a typical chick. He thinks that she'd want to go to Cousin Brucie's wedding if she was working fro him. Sal said that she just wants to be a part of this entourage of celebrities.
Sal asked why every woman has to leach on to the big guy. He said they should get ahead on their own abilities. Jon said that Sal's wife fell for him before he was famous. Sal said that he fell for his wife in college and it what it is. Sal stopped himself from saying anything to get himself into trouble. He said that this world is just one big world of bullshit and they all just deal with it.
Sal said that he got pulled over this weekend and his 8 year old ratted him out to the cops. He said that he was on the phone while he was driving and then the cops pulled him over. He said his son told the cop that he told him to get off the phone. Sal said that the cop pulled him over for making a right on red and didn't know about the phone. Sal said he got out of the tickets because he had 2 PBA cards. He said that he wanted to throw his son out the window but then he took him home and gave him a star for doing something right by turning him in.
Another caller said that Lisa G is just as crazy as Sal and the reason she gets away with it is because she's smarter than he is. He said that she works her way into things and keeps it hidden better. Gary said that Lisa also has license to snoop around Howard by saying she's a reporter.
Sal said that he's getting over Howard now and he now realizes that he isn't going to get in with him the way he wants. Sal said that he gave himself some ''self therapy'' and tried to make himself stop thinking about what's going on there. He said he had to tell himself to stop thinking about all of these other people who hang out with Howard while he doesn't get to.
Gary said that he thinks that Sal looks at Ralph and wonders why he hangs with Howard. Sal said that he's gotten to know Ralph and he's really fun to hang out with so he gets that. He doesn't' get the Dominic Barbara thing though. He said that Dominic is so self serving and arrogant that he doesn't see why Howard would hang with him.
Sal said that he doesn't get why Howard would want to hang out with Vinnie Favale for a day either. He said that he thinks he's a nice guy and all but he doesn't' know why he would want to spend a day with him. He said he can hang out with whoever he wants to hang out with but he's not sure why he's creeped out by him.
Benjy said that he was good but he was so jealous of some of the stuff that he's done already in his career. He said that it was pretty tough to take. Sal said he thought he was a great guest too.
A caller said that he's fan of Seth's. He said that he wanted to know what the guys there like that Howard doesn't seem to get. They rattled off a bunch of shows like The Simpsons, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Family Guy and a few others. Gary said he thinks that Howard would love Family Guy but he just doesn't get into it.
Gary said that he wasn't sure where the Seth Rogen interview was going to go. He said it could have gone either way but it turned out to be really good.
Gary said that he thinks that Seth Rogen was in the green room when Judd Apatow was there and his movies hadn't come out yet. Gary said he didn't know who he was and didn't bring him in. He said he didn't recognize him from any of the shows that he had done yet.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she loves most of the guys there, except for Benjy. She went on to say that she was on her way up to see Artie over the weekend and then got the message that her tickets were being canceled. She said she needs him to reschedule. She said that they treat people great up there. Sal told her to beat it after she went on a little too much.
Jon took another call from a woman who asked Sal if it was true that he buys manscara and eye liner. Sal said that he doesn't use that stuff but he does use some Aveeno tanning cream. He used to use some concealer on his eyes. Jon had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about the stuff he didn't get to yesterday. He said he was looking at the John Edwards interview on Nightline and figures that guy is lying his ass off. He said he's an amazing guy and always thought he was a weird dude. He said they're thinking he's lying about his affair and how long it was going on. He said the woman is keeping quiet about it and it's not clear why.
Howard said that the mistress was being kept in a 3 million dollar house so she's being well taken care of. Howard went on to read through an article about the whole thing where they talk about the money he's given to this woman. He said that even the mistresses name, Rielle Hunter, is weird.
Howard read that this woman got money for the videos she was shooting for Edwards and now she's still getting money to stay in this house she's at.
Howard said that when he saw the interview it was really obvious that the guy was lying. He said that he should have just come out and said what he was really doing. He said he should have just come out and said that he was fucking this chick for a few years and it felt good so he kept doing it. Edwards thought his wife was going to die so that's why he was doing this. Howard said that the interview was done by Bob Woodruff and they didn't stop them from asking any questions. Howard said the whole interview was bogus and the guy comes across as really creepy.
Howard said that there was an article in Page Six today about Clay Aiken having a baby. He said it just looks weird. He also saw a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal holding hands with his girlfriend and he's looking ripped. He said that he doesn't know how they do it because he's been working out for years and can't do anything like that. Robin said they must be taking drugs or something.
Fred and Artie said that they have nothing else to do during the day so they can work out all day long to get ripped like that. Robin said that most military guys can get ripped because they work out all day long too. Howard said he's done that and he still can't look like that.
Artie asked if Robin is really a side kick or a news woman or what. Howard said that she's all of those. Artie said that some people were even calling him a side kick.
Howard read through some e-mail about Artie's drug rehab and what happened to him over the past couple of months. There were people who wrote in about that story and went off on him. There were people telling Howard to take back his show and not let Artie take it over like he has been doing. There were also some who were happy to hear Artie's story. There were a couple who were near tears hearing the story. One writer said that their sister died of an overdose back in 1995 so they could relate to what he was talking about.
Howard read another negative one about Artie where the writer went off on Artie and threatened to write to SIRIUS about the whole thing. Fred played the ''Artie Had to go to Rehab'' song parody that they played yesterday.
Howard read some other e-mail after that. There was some feedback about Mel Karmazin going on Jim Cramer's show and Mel was holding up pretty well against Cramer. Howard said that he got some feedback about Seth Rogen and read through one of those. The writer liked the interview and wished that more interviews were that good.
Howard said that he's getting his tattoo today and people are writing in to tell him not to get it done. The tattoo artist who wrote in told him that this could mean the end of his relationship with Beth if he puts her name on his body. Howard said that there has to be one person out there who has a successful relationship after getting a tattoo.
Howard said he was talking to his parents yesterday and his father put his arm around his mother and they seem to still dig each other. He said there is hope when he sees something like that. He said that they both criticized him for 52 years so that's what has kept them together.
Howard said he got a card saying that Jillian Barberie donated some money to the North Shore Animal League and he didn't know who it was because the name was Jillian Reynolds. He said he didn't know who it was right away and it took him a while to figure out who the hell it was.
Howard said you can watch his performance, under Roasts, and vote for him if you like his stuff. Artie said that this is a big thing if Mike can get into the Matt Lauer thing. They spent a minute on that and then moved on to other stuff.
Howard had the guys bring Evan in so he could talk to him about that. Gary said he was on his way. The guys spent a minute talking about Evan while they waited for him to come in. Howard said that he was e-mailing the guy back and forth and at one point Benjy wrote that Evan was also Batman and they didn't know that.
Evan came in a couple of minutes later and Howard told him how good he was at his job and how much he appreciates that. Then he brought up the surfing thing and the fighting thing. Evan said that he is a fighter and he used to spar with guys but he's never done anything major. He said he's been in fights but nothing like what Howard was reading. Evan said he did break someone's arm and elbow before but not a kneecap.
Evan said that he wrestled and fought for 15 years so that's how he has the skills. Howard read that he used to compete in body building but Evan said that wasn't true. He almost made the Olympic swim team though. Howard asked about the body building too. Evan said that he used to bench press and he can still lift maybe 235 pounds or so.
Robin asked Evan how he learned the engineering stuff while he was doing all of this other stuff. Evan said he didn't know, he just learned it.
Artie said that he doubles the weight of this guy Evan. Evan said that he has balance and that's what wrestlers have and that's where the skill comes from. Howard said that's what he's heard from these guys who can fight. He said that you just need to be able to take a guy down.
Evan said that he's not all that great of an engineer. He said he learned a lot from his boss who has helped him learn a lot of stuff. He said that he can't take all of the credit for that stuff.
Howard asked to see Evan's muscles so he was showing off his abs and all of that. Robin told him not to wear a shirt to work after seeing his abs.
Howard asked Evan about where he grew up and found out he grew up in Hartford, Connecticut. He said it was pretty tough in school up there.
Howard found out that Evan is engaged. Evan said that he used to go for the super hot chicks and that didn't work out so he went with a woman who just loved him for who he was and now he's engaged.
Howard said he had no idea Evan had anything going on. He said that he's got this secret life going on. Evan said that the rest of them must have stuff like that going on that other people don't know about. Artie said that his thing is heroin.
Howard asked Evan about the underground fights that he was doing. Evan said he was doing it for money and it was kind of a fight club type of thing that he was involved with. He said he did it for the money because he needed some cash. He said he was going through a divorce at the time. He said he's got a 7 year old daughter and he goes up to Connecticut to visit her during the week.
Evan said that he got married for the wrong reasons. He said he got married because his friends were all getting married and he didn't want to be the last one. That was the wrong reason for him.
Evan said his daughter is a great swimmer but he's not going to pressure her into doing it professionally or anything like that.
Evan is getting married again on September 6th. Howard congratulated him on that. Evan said that his first wife got him for just about everything but then he said that wasn't really true.
Howard asked Evan about the fights that he was doing and how many people would come out to see him. He said it was somewhere between 20-50 people at a time. He said that he would make a couple grand for the fights. Howard wrapped up after that and thanked him for coming in to tell them about that stuff.
Howard asked Evan if he could bring in a black guy for him to beat up. Evan didn't seem interested in doing that. He did say that people underestimate him though. Howard asked Evan if he misses the fighting. Evan said that he doesn't really miss it and he has other ways to get out his aggression.
Howard said he's glad he's been nice to Evan. He read that Evan threatened to break every bone in Jason's body. Evan said that was when Jason accused the engineering department of being the problem with the phone system. Evan said that he went to Jason and told him not to talk about him behind his back and just say it to his face. Evan said that he would prefer to have him come right to him if he has a problem.
Howard wrapped up with Evan and let him go a short time later. He said that he had Scott Salem coming in to talk about being the world's greatest ballet dancer.
Robin seemed to be very excited to have gotten to speak to Evan about all of that. Fred threw in a new song parody from Sal where he was singing about giving Robin anal. That led to the guys talking about how Richard shaved his head and how creepy he's looking now. Howard said that Richard was talking about how he's shaved all over now and how good that feels. Howard said he looks like Curly from the Three Stooges.
Richard came in and said that he was at the barber and he got a nice shave and that felt so good that he told the guy to just shave his head. Howard asked him why he would do that if he wants his girlfriend to be attracted to him. Richard said that she likes his face and the hair shouldn't matter. He also said that he's balding so he's really self conscious about that. Howard let Richard go a short time later.
Howard had Sid Rosenberg, the host, on the phone to talk about it. He ran down the list of people who were in the bowling series. He talked about how strange Siobhan was and how he still doesn't know exactly what that is. Howard said that Scott the Engineer is the color commentator and he did a good job too according to Howard.
Howard said that Beetlejuice was mouthing off but he knows how to hold a bowling ball. He said that he just wings the ball from the wrong spot too.
Howard played some audio from the Wack Pack Bowling and talked about how bad some of the people were when he watched. He said that some of these people are very uncoordinated. He said that Double A had no skills at all and Gay Ramone had his ass hanging out in assless chaps.
Artie said that it looked really depressing with Jeff the Drunk sitting there. He said he looked like death sitting there. Howard said that Sid looked like he was ready to jump out of a window when he was talking to Jeff.
Howard said that Yucko was there and he was talking about Croy tripping over her tits and she didn't even care.
Sid said that he had someone grab his ass and it turned out to be Gay Ramone. He said he had a blast shooting the show. Howard had Gay Ramone on the phone so he asked him about the assless chaps. Ramone said that he actually busted out of those things while he was bowling. Artie joked that he'd send him a pair of his to wear.
Howard asked when these shows are supposed to be available. Sid said that the first episode is going to be up tonight.
Howard said that some of the Wack Pack brought their own booze to the event. Sid said that it was Double A who brought all of the liquor. Howard said that Sid was interviewing Elephant Boy at one point and he thinks that he didn't have a clue as to what he was saying. Sid said he just shook his head and that seemed to work just fine during that interview.
Howard gave some plugs for the show and said you can go to HowardTV.com to find out how to subscribe. Howard also gave Sid some plugs for a show he's doing at OpenSports.com
Sid was complaining that Artie wasn't calling him back to come on his show. He's been trying to get him on the phone but Artie never returns his calls. Howard said that Sid had some problems with substance abuse. Sid said he's doing okay and he did make it on the show this morning. Howard asked Sid what he was on. Sid said he was doing coke and smoking it. He said that he never mainlined stuff like that. Sid said that he did smoke crack after Artie brought that up. Howard let Sid go a short time later. He told him he did a great job with that show.
Howard said that Tommy Chong was there to promote his new book so he had to get to him. They had to go to break first. He said that they also have Elephant Boy coming in to do Wack Pack Waxing. He went to break a short time later.
Tommy said that he wrote this new book, ''Cheech & Chong: The Unauthorized Autobiography,'' and Cheech had nothing to do with it because they weren't really talking. He said that Cheech called him after the book was announced and then they set up some tour dates.
Howard asked Tommy how long it had been since he saw Cheech. He said that they were talking about getting back together right before he got busted. He said that Cheech did come and visit him when he was in jail. He said that Cheech wasn't too comfortable being around that environment though.
Howard asked Tommy about this new tour that he's doing. Tommy said that he was out on the road doing comedy for a while. He said that his wife was doing that with him too. Howard read that Tommy met his new wife while he was still with the old wife. That led to Howard asking Tommy what he thinks about this John Edwards character going out there and lying about his whole thing.
Tommy said that he never planned on getting together with this woman but then she got pregnant. He said that he didn't go home and tell his wife about that, he kept it quiet and kept two families going. He said that went on for years. He said that his ex-wife eventually got tired of what was going on and that's when they split. He said that she knew about it but just pretended it didn't exist for a while.
Tommy said that he hasn't cheated on this wife ''officially.'' He said that it's never the guy, it's the penis that cheats.
Howard said that they are celebrating the careers of Cheech and Chong in this book. He said that it's a phenomenal thing and asked Tommy if he ever wonders how it happened. Tommy said that he and Cheech met up in Canada when Cheech was dodging the draft for the Viet Nam war. He said that they formed a band at first. Howard said that Tommy hung out with Jimi Hendrix and Tina Turner back when he was a musician.
Artie said he read a story about how the song Basketball Jones came about. Tommy told the story about that and how Jack Nicholson was driving the car the night they came up with the song.
Tommy said that he tried to give Jack Nicholson a compliment one night when he saw him out. He said that it was one of those times that he wasn't able to get out what he wanted to say the right way. He said that he told Jack that he liked the way he was combing his hair in this one scene and loved it because he doesn't really have any hair. Jack excused himself and walked away.
Howard asked Tommy about the reunion and if they did it for the money. Tommy said that they do need the money and Cheech needed his title back to get away from ''Cheech the teacher'' and ''Cheech the golf player.'' He said that Cheech has a girlfriend who is under 30 years old so he needs the money. Tommy said that Cheech is in his 60s and he looks worn out from being with this chick.
Howard asked Tommy if he gets jealous of Cheech when he sees that going on. Tommy said that he does get curious but not jealous.
Howard asked Tommy about going to nudist camps and how he goes without getting a boner. Tommy said that a lot of people are in the water. He said that you can also look at the ugly chicks or look at guys to keep your boner down.
Howard asked if Tommy got upset that guys were looking at his beautiful wife. Tommy said that he just has to look past that. Howard figured that Tommy must have a big schlong. Tommy said that it used to be big but it's gotten smaller the older he gets. He said that it's probably a lack of use.
Howard read that Tommy used to hang out with Jimi Hendrix and he had a lot of groupies that were underage. Howard asked him if he was banging the young ones. Tommy said he doesn't know and he was probably more involved with the drugs than with the younger girls.
Tommy claims that they discovered the Jackson 5. He said that Diana Ross discovered them first and then they discovered the Jackson's out in Chicago when they opened for them. He said that he's known Michael ever since he was a kid and he never really got away from that 10 year old mentality. He said he always wanted to be that little kid.
Howard asked Tommy about hanging out with Bob Dylan. Tommy told Howard about how Dylan's wife was part of a tai-chi class and one day Dylan came over to play basketball at his place. He said he doesn't remember if he beat him or not but he thinks that he did. He said that he does remember dumping him on his butt when he tried to get past him. He said he sat naked in a steam room with him that day too. Howard said that must have been weird. Tommy said that it was pretty strange.
Howard asked Tommy who the greatest comedian who influenced him. Tommy said that Redd Foxx was the best. He said he saw him one time and he did 2 hours of material.
Tommy talked about Richard Pryor and how great he could be. He said that he would make people laugh and laugh. He also said that George Carlin was good but he was more of a word smith. He thinks that Carlin got very bitter toward the end from what he was hearing. Tommy said that he heard that Carlin was attacking homeless people and not just the usual people he'd attack.
Howard said that Tommy just seems to deal with everything in life even though he's been to jail. Tommy said that he found the secret and Howard must know what it is. Howard said it has to be good weed or pussy. Tommy said that it's a power that drives every one of us. He said that only a few know how to access that power. He said that Tiger Woods is one of them. Howard asked if it's ''the force'' or something like that. Tommy said he could call it that if he wants.
Tommy said that some people like Tiger Woods do little meditations where you see it click in and then he just goes and hits the most incredible shot. He said that he has learned to access that power himself and that's his secret to dealing with life.
Tommy said that Cheech and Chong is going to be the biggest comedy team in history. He said that they still have a lot of stuff in them.
Howard gave Tommy a plug for his book ''Cheech & Chong: The Unauthorized Autobiography'' and said that he will be signing copies today at Noon at the Borders on Wall Street. He's going to be doing a couple of other appearances in the New York/New Jersey area today and tomorrow. You can find more dates at CheechAndChong.com
Howard read that Tommy used to smoke weed with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Tommy said that he just recently ran into him at a Starbucks and Arnold recognized him. He said that all Arnold said to him was ''Tommy! We both had a dream...''
Howard asked Tommy what the saddest moment in his life was. Tommy said it was when he realized that he and Cheech had broken up as a team. He said that Cheech did another movie called ''Born in East L.A.'' and that's when they break up happened. Tommy said that he felt betrayed after that. He said that if they had stayed together back then they wouldn't be together now. Tommy said that it's nice that they can get back together now.
Tommy said that he was a movie director back then but once Cheech left, he had no career. Howard said that Cheech will probably dump Tommy again once they get huge again. Tommy said that will probably happen.
Howard gave Cheech some more plugs and started to wrap up but Richard wanted to come in and say a few words to Tommy. Richard said that Mr. Chong was one of his greatest comedy influences. He said that he's been hooked ever since he was about 8 years old and he's a huge fan. Richard said that he doesn't even smoke weed but he's a huge fan. Howard told Tommy that Richard was a drummer in a couple of bands and he was pretty well known himself. He was in Death and Iced Earth.
Howard said that Tommy is a great guy and he seems to have found his inner chi... or inner Cheech. Richard asked him if they're going to make a new movie. Tommy said that they are talking about doing a series of movies after a concert movie. He said that they're already talking about that stuff.
Howard said that he should call Cheech and tell him he's got a movie for him and that he has to dump Tommy. Richard said that they had a replay of a show on last week when Tommy called in when he was trying to find a new Cheech and they had Crackhead Bob on.
Howard said that he loved the Channel 9 show he did with Cheech and Chong when they played Mary and Baby Jesus. He said that they got so many complaints over there that they didn't air it until the summer when they had shot it to air around Christmas. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later. Fred played an Ask the Retards bit with Wendy and Gary the Retards arguing about diarrhea as they went to break.
Howard said he read that the currency in this country has the most cocaine on it than any other country. Artie said he believes that. Artie said that he read that you can get hepatitis C from sharing bills that other people have used to snort coke. Artie said that he got wise and got his own straw to do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to know why he isn't a tough guy after growing up in the area he grew up in. Howard said that he is mentally tough but maybe not physically tough. He said he did talk his way out of a bunch of situations. Then he just blurted out that he is a big pussy and he doesn't even believe that.
Howard said that he lost a bunch of fights when he was growing up because the other kids were so much tougher. He said that he did try taking Judo once but his feet were dirty. He also figured that he couldn't do what the other kids were doing in the class so he left.
Howard said that a lot of these kids on the street have been fighting all their lives so they know how to do it. He said that they're raised like chickens for cock fighting. He said that a street fight is something that happens fast and there are no rules. He said there are some kids who seemed to have a natural ability and that's because they've been fighting since they were infants.
Howard said he knew a kid that was named Zany and you have to fear someone like that. He said that he was a hall monitor at one time and he tried to get Zany to go to class but that was just an insane thing to do. That kid didn't listen to his own parents, he wasn't going to listen to him.
Artie said that he knew a kid that was named Keith Peace and he told him that he should name his kid Warren and the kid thought he was pretty funny. He said he got on his good side which was smart because the kid would kick locks off of lockers as he walked down the halls.
A caller said that he used to get chased around his neighborhood all the time because he was one of just 5 white families in the school.
Howard said that he knew a kid by the name of Irvin who made his life a nightmare. He said that the kid looked like Ike Turner when he was still in high school. He said that the kid would steal his lunch money every day. He said that things got so bad that it just became fatiguing. He said that he eventually went to his mother and complained. She would never ask him how he was doing in school and seemed oblivious to what was really going on in that neighborhood.
Howard said that they called this kid Irvin into the Dean of Boys after his mother complained. He said that Irvin got out and tried to find out who the snitch was. Howard knew that he couldn't snitch himself if he wanted to live. He said Irvin knew it could only be one of two people who turned him in. He said that Irvin went to this other kid first and tried to find out if it was him. He beat this kid Jose but Jose insisted it wasn't him. Howard said that Irvin got a hold of him and started choking him. He said he was about to pass out. He said that this kid was just a hoodlum. He said he tried to fight back but the other kids were just watching and laughing. He said that the teacher would do nothing about it.
Howard said that Irvin told him to just tell him if it was him who told. Howard said he thought about it and claimed he didn't do it. Irvin believed that he didn't turn him in and let him go. Howard said that guy has to be in jail. He hopes that he's not listening today because now he'll know that it was him who turned him in.
Howard said that he wonders about any parent who would keep their kid in a school like that. He said he hopes that Jose's family got out of that neighborhood at some point. He said he would just nuke Roosevelt, Long Island if he were President.
Howard said that the caller is being very negative and he has to get out of this conversation. Robin said she thinks that it will work. The guy went off on Robin about some comments that she made about Matt Lauer this morning. He was so upset about it that he hung up on her.
Howard said they had a really wild hail storm yesterday there in the city. He said they had an inch of ice on the ground at one point after the hail.
Howard played a clip from a news report that he played before they went on vacation where a guy being interviewed about the earthquake out in California mentioned ''Fred Norris'' in the report. The same guy mentioned Sal's name during the next day's news reports. He did the same thing with Sal's name that he did with Fred's where he claims that he's one of his friends who was with him at the time of the quake. Howard said that these guys think very fast to get those names out there.
At first Sal says that Dominic is a nice guy but then he calls him arrogant and elitist. Sal was going on talking about Dominic being a bloated, pompous attorney that gets to hang out with Howard. Sal claims that he's not annoyed by that stuff anymore but he does find it odd.
Howard said that Sal is a weirdo and he wouldn't hang out with him. He said that he does a great job there but he has no desire to hang out with him. Howard said that he's a very creepy guy.
Sal came in and said that he got an invitation to Howard and Beth's wedding and he thinks that he's being set up. Howard asked Sal to turn it down. Sal said that he would do what makes him happy. Howard asked him to turn it down then. Sal said there's no way he's going to do that.
Howard said that he doesn't look to hang out with people who are just funny. Sal said that he thinks that Howard likes to hang out with low key people. Howard said that Sal had a fantasy about hanging out with him in bed watching Survivor. Sal said that he was just stuck in the city and wanted to stay the night there. Howard said that wouldn't be fun for him to let him stay there.
Howard said that he left it up to Beth about inviting Sal to the wedding. He said he told her that he would do whatever she wanted and she was okay with having him there. Sal said he's glad that she finally came to her senses but then said that was just a joke. Howard said that he's nervous about inviting Sal because he doesn't know what he's going to do.
Dominic said that there are some of them who are now thinking of not going now that Sal is invited. Dominic said that he doesn't get Sal's anger toward him. He said that he's helped him out with some stuff. Sal said that they did talk about ''real estate'' like he was trying to hide that he spoke to him about divorce stuff.
Sal said that Dominic puts people beneath him and that's the air he has about him. He said that he has an arrogance about him. Howard asked him when he even sees him. Sal said that he can't say when he saw him.
Howard said that Sal has a problem with him being friends with Ross Zaipen too. Sal said that he gets Ross now but in the past it was a different story.
Sal said he didn't like Ralph in the past either but now that he knows him, he likes him. Howard said he doesn't get why Sal would have anything against these people because he barely knows them. Sal said that he was posed a question and he gave his opinion on the Wrap Up Show.
Howard said he wants to have Sal rolled in like Hannibal Lechter at the wedding. Howard asked Sal what it was like when he got the invitation. Sal said it was odd because his wife hid it on him. She was going to get together with Richard to set him up to do something humiliating to go to the wedding and then she was going to whip it out and show him that she had it the whole time.
Howard said that it's weird that Sal's wife hates him so much that she would do something like that. He asked Sal how long she kept it from him. Sal said that he had some friends over and he was telling them that he wasn't going and his wife felt so bad that she pulled the invitation out. Howard said that it's Sal's mail so maybe she shouldn't be hiding it and goofing on him.
Dominic asked Sal if he dreams about Howard. Sal said he doesn't but Howard said he has admitted to it before and he knows he does. Howard kicked him out of there a short time later so he could get to the Wack Pack Waxing.
Howard said that Fred got very mad at Doug Goodstein after he said that he smelled bad at the Wack Pack Bowling thing. Elephant Boy said that he was under hot lights for a long time and it was very hot there. Howard said he saw Fred in the show and he saw him throw two balls and that's what made him smell?
Artie said that if you wash on a regular basis, you won't smell after sweating just a little bit. Howard said that when Fred walked in he did smell something. Artie said that he smelled something too. Howard told Elephant Boy to stay out of the light. Elephant Boy said that he did wash this morning and brushed his teeth and all of that.
Howard said he can't believe that he's known him as long as he has. He asked him if he's still going out with that girl he was dating. Elephant Boy said he doesn't know and that she's in jail right now. He said that she got caught with Oxycontin and stuff like that and got into some trouble. Elephant Boy said that she started in jail at the beginning of the year and she has to go in for 14 months.
Elephant Boy said that she had carpel tunnel in both wrists and some back problems too. Fred said that she lost her job and her house because of all of this. Fred said that he will be there for her when she gets out but he knows she needs treatment.
Elephant Boy said that he wrote a letter to her back on the fourth of July and didn't hear back from her. He said that he found out the letter was returned to him and she never got it. He sent her another one and he hopes that she answers him. Elephant Boy said he hopes that she's okay there because it's mostly blacks there and she hates blacks, except for Robin.
Howard asked Elephant Boy why he was doing this today. Elephant Boy said that he's seen it done by Richard before and he knows what to expect. He said that he would like more money and this is one way to get it.
Howard said that it's time for Wack Pack Waxing and also mentioned that he's part of Wack Pack Bowling on Howard TV as well.
Howard asked Gary to bring in the questions so they could get this going. The questions are about wrestling since they wanted to give him a fair chance at winning. Fred knows a lot about wrestling. Gary said he thought they were going to break first so Howard went to break as short time later.
Cleo said that they have people get on all fours to do the hair removal. Howard asked Cleo if she likes when men with big penises come in. She said that she does like that and she has to hold them to move them out of the way sometimes. Howard asked if they get aroused. She said that they do sometimes but she doesn't say anything to them and she doesn't help them make them go away.
Howard asked Cleo if any men have ever had an accident. She said that one man did but she didn't say anything to him. She said that they clean up the sheets and all of that after they have their hair removal done.
Howard asked why there is so much hair in the human ass. Cleo said she doesn't know. She said there are rules there though and people are not allowed to fart because the laser could set them on fire.
Cleo said that she is married and her husband doesn't get jealous of this stuff. Howard asked if she would have another woman in the room with her. She didn't answer and just stayed quiet. Howard moved on to the game after that.
Howard said that Elephant Boy was going to play this game now. He checked with Cleo to make sure that she was okay with waxing Fred the Elephant Boy. This game was being sponsored by Howard TV's Wack Pack Bowling. Howard said that Fred did something wild in episode 2 and threw himself down the alley trying to knock down the pins with his head. They showed a clip of that scene and Howard told him that he would have gotten his head chopped off if he had slid just a little more.
Howard told Fred what the rules were and how much money he could win if he gets all of the questions right. He gave him the first question which was ''name the wrestler who smacked John Stossel in 1984 leaving him partially deaf.'' Fred said that it was Dr. David Shultz and got it right.
Howard asked Fred the next one which was ''When Ric Flair made history and jumped to the WWF in 1991, who was his manager?'' Fred said it was Bobby ''the Brain'' Heenan. He got that one right too. Howard said he wanted to see some waxing here.
Next question was ''Former wrestler Brock Lessner left the company and started a new company. Who did he defeat in his first fight?'' Fred didn't know so he knew he was about to get waxed. Howard told him the answer was Minsu Kim.
Fred had to get ready for his waxing so Howard asked Cleo what she wanted him to do. Fred just stripped right down as Fred (Norris) played the Hindenberg disaster audio.
Elephant Boy's penis was pretty small according to Howard and Cleo. Elephant Boy said that he is below average and he's always said that.
Howard asked Cleo what she was going to do first. She said she had to clean up the area a little bit to get rid of the oil. Howard asked Fred when he last ejaculated. He said it was weeks ago. Cleo had him on his back like a baby with his legs up in the air. Cleo wanted to get in there to get the hair off his taint. She sprayed some cleanser on the area before she went in there. She said she didn't smell anything back there. Cleo wiped his ass and Artie figured it was the first time it had ever been wiped. Howard asked if there was any brown coming off. She said there wasn't any. Then Cleo said that it does smell back there. She said it smelled like ass, not like shit. Artie asked what the difference was. She said that ass smells kind of moldy while shit smells like shit.
Cleo put the wax on Elephant Boy's ass and said that she was going to do a big one since it was just one shot. Howard asked her to warn him before she does it. Then she ripped the hair right out. Fred let out a ''ouch'' but it wasn't all that bad. He said that he was fine and didn't seem to be in any pain.
Howard got back to the questions and asked Fred ''Regis Philbin had his nose broken during an interview with what wrestler?'' Fred said he didn't know but threw out Stone Cold Steve Austin and got it right. He lucked out with that.
The next question was ''Who was the first WWF champion?'' Fred didn't know at first but threw out the name Buddy Rogers and got it right. Howard had one more for him and asked ''Who was the manager of the Road Warriors?'' Fred said Paul something (Paul Ellering) but he was kind of mumbling. He got it right though so he was maxed out at $2,500. Howard told Fred that he owed Cleo $2,700 for the waxing though.
Howard gave Howard TV some more plugs since they sponsored the contest. He gave Cleo some plugs and said he was hoping to see more waxing. Sal came in a short time later and asked if Fred would do another question for $6. Then Artie threw in $20 and some other people threw in money until it was up to $101. Fred said that he would do it so Sal asked ''What is Brutus the Barber Beeefcake's real name?'' Fred knew it, Ed Leslie, and won another $101.
Gary said that he had two more $250 questions for Fred if he wanted to play for more. Fred was up for it so Howard asked him some more questions. He asked ''In what year did Andre the Giant make his WWF debut?'' Fred guessed 1975. He was off by 2 years, it was 1973. Fred got waxed again and this time it was right on his asshole. Artie asked him what was more embarrassing, knowing that much about wrestling or laying in that position he was in? Fred just laughed.
Cleo put the wax on Fred's ''anus, anus'' rubbed on the paper and then ripped the hair out. This time Fred yelled out in pain.
Howard asked Elephant Boy another question which was ''In Wrestlemania 2 who did Roddy Piper face?'' Fred guessed it was Mr. T and got it right. He was up another $250. Howard asked Fred one more question which was ''What was the name of the Pay Per View event when Owen Hart fell to his death?'' Fred thought about it for a moment and said that it was ''Unforgiven'' and got it wrong. It was ''Over the Edge.''
Fred had to get one more waxing so Cleo prepared him for the next spot. She put the wax on the other side of his anus. Richie Wilson told her to slobber it on good over there. Fred told him to shut up. Cleo slathered on a bunch of wax and said that it was going to be tricky to pull it out because of the way the hair grows there. She ripped the hair out and Fred screamed in pain again. She had to go back a couple of times to get it all off and he screamed each time.
Howard said he had one more question for Fred before they were out of money. He asked ''Chris Canyon's name when he wrestled under a mask was what?'' Fred said that he knew this one but it wasn't coming to him. He said it was ''Mortis'' and got it right. Fred was up to $3,101 in winnings. Fred thanked them for that. Fred showed off his clean asshole after that. Even Fred was shocked at what he was seeing. Cleo put a little cream on him back there. Howard told him to take a picture of that and send it to Clear Channel for him.
Howard gave everyone some more plugs, wrapped up with them and thanked everyone. He asked Elephant Boy what he's going to do with his money. He said he has to pay some traffic tickets and stuff like that so that's what he'll be spending his money on. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he was watching the Olympics last night and they had Women's Volleyball on. He said that the U.S. chicks were dressed like they were at the beach and they were in bikinis. He said that the blonde has a butterface but looks okay with the sunglasses on. He said she's got a great body though. The brunette has a kind of chubby body according to Howard.
Howard said that the Cuban chicks looked black to him. Gary aids that they had an intern there who looked black and it turns out he was Dominican. Artie wondered if black is a color or a race. Howard said that you can be black and from a different country.
Howard said that the Chinese are so concerned with their image that they're doing all kinds of stuff that's so communistic looking. He said that he read that a 7 year old Chinese girl