|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard and the guys were back from their week long vacation this morning. Howard started the show off talking about being back live and saying that he got an e-mail from Bubba telling him it was time to get back to work. Then he brought up what went on with Artie over vacation.
Howard said that Artie had asked him to write the foreword to his book ''Too Fat To Fish'' so he was working on that over vacation. He called Artie to find out where he had to send it when he was done. Artie told him he did a great job with it and everyone he showed it to loved it. Artie said that it was very funny and the rest of the book isn't going to be as well written.
Howard said that he usually has people look it over but he didn't have time to do that. This time he had Beth check it over for grammatical errors before he sent it to the publisher. Then he tried calling Artie and didn't get a response. He got a hold of his assistant instead. Artie said that he is blown away by how great the foreword is. He said that everyone he showed it to loved it too.
Howard said that he told Artie that if he didn't like it he didn't have to use it. Artie said that he's going through every emotion reading it.
Howard wasn't able to get a hold of Artie so he figured he was out having fun. It turns out Artie wasn't out having fun. He got a note from Jimmy Kimmel telling him that Artie was in rehab. Howard figured that he'd know before Jimmy would but Jimmy knew that he didn't show up to the Bob Saget roast. Artie said that he really wanted to go to that and it was the first time he's ever missed anything like that.
Artie said that he had done two roasts for Comedy Central for people he didn't even know and this one was going to be fore his buddy Bob Saget. He said that his plane had crashed into the side of the mountain again, metaphorically speaking of course.
Howard said he didn't know about the rehab but he figured that maybe the sleeping on the air was part of the problem after he heard that. Howard said that he just thought Artie was tired when he'd fall asleep on the air. Artie said that he fell off the heroin wagon. He said he fell off about 7 weeks ago. Robin said she knew that he was off last week when he was nodding off.
Artie said that it wasn't all from the drugs when he'd nod off on the air. He said that he had a whole story to tell and asked Howard if he wanted him to talk about it now. Howard said he was going to hold off a while but he could if he wanted.
Artie said that about 2 weeks before he went to Afghanistan he was told that he could handle this tour he was going on. Artie said that he had gone out a couple of weeks ago and hung out with the wrong crowd in Jersey. He said that he ended up getting some heroin and that was it.
Artie said that he's in therapy with a guy who is involved with rehab but he's not really in rehab. Artie said that the Subutex is s night in shining armor but he hadn't really put it to the test the way he did this past time. He said that a bunch of dark planets lined up this time and he fell off the wagon.
Artie said he was fine when he was in Amsterdam and didn't do anything there. He said that he was fine from the time he did Beer League right up until 7 weeks ago.
Artie said that he plays in a billiard league and he was out drinking the night he fell off the wagon. He said that he almost used to make a living playing pool in the past because he's pretty good. Artie said that he could play with a partner and they'd pretend that they didn't know each other. They were almost like con-men according to Robin.
Artie said that they'd go into this place called High Que and there would be a bunch of shitheads in there that they could beat. He said that a lot of them were high school kids who were just losers. Howard and Robin found that to be pretty amusing. Artie said that he and his buddy would pretend that they didn't know each other and they'd get into a 3 way 9 ball game and he could set up his buddy so he could have the easiest shot at the 5 and the 9 and they could make like $600 to split in a night.
Artie said that there are some of those guys he used to play with that haven't moved on in life. He said that one of them plays in this league and he's afraid to go because there are some shady types out there. Artie said he was drinking that night and he really shouldn't have been. He skipped the Subutex that night so he could drink and that wasn't a good idea. Artie said he got drunk that night and shot pool with a bunch of guys who he used to know or just recognized him. He said that he had a lot of pressure on him and he knew that he was in a danger zone. One guy asked him if he wanted some heroin. The guy knew his past but he wasn't a friend.
Artie said that he hasn't done coke since August 4, 1997 but people will still put it in his hand and offer it to him. Howard said that this is basically like Satan putting the stuff into his hand. Artie said that he had a wad of money on him and he bought a couple of bags of heroin that night. He paid like $40 per bag. Robin asked if that's all it costs to ruin your life.
Artie said that he had a lot of fun on the heroin. There were some broads around but nothing happened with them. Artie said that it was bad and he went home and woke up the next morning almost suicidal feeling guilty. He said that he figured he was going to get right back on the Subutex but then he figured that he might as well finish that bag.
Artie said that he had told the USO that he was off the drugs. He said that he partied at home for a few days and then 3 days before going to Afghanistan he forced himself to stop. He said that he got back on the Subutex one day and everything was fine. He said he lived for 3 days without the heroin and then went to Afghanistan. He had the week off after that and figured he might as well reward himself. He said that he was back on the heroin within 8 hours of getting back from that USO tour.
Robin said that was the reason they didn't see him at his house party. Artie was busy partying up in his room that day. Howard said it seems that he's living the life.
Artie said that his mother and sister aren't fooled by his behavior anymore and they knew that something was going on. He said that he got a call out of the blue from Richard Lewis one day and the guy told him that he knew of a doctor who saved his life with his addiction problems. Artie said that Richard told him about this stuff and he had a bag of heroin on the table at the time. He said that Richard told him how he had saved his life and it was just good timing.
Howard asked Artie if he had to go down to Delaware to get his heroin. Artie said that he didn't have to do that this time. He was able to get it locally.
Artie said that it was weird that Richard had called him. He wrote down the name of this doctor that he told him about. Then his mother and sister gave him an ultimatum to get himself together and threatened not to talk to him. He said that would be awful for him and he didn't have the balls to tell them that they were right. He told them that they were crazy and it was all bullshit.
Artie said that he had a stand-up gig that he had to do at Caroline's back then. He said that he made it through those shows okay. He'd go right back home so he could get back to the drugs. He figured that he'd be able to go back on the Subutex to get through this roast for Bob Saget. Then on July 31st he was supposed to go see Bruce Springsteen with the guys.
Artie said that he was looking forward to Springsteen and to the Los Angeles trip. He said he was going to see Bob Saget, Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Sandler and a bunch of other guys. Then he blew off Springsteen while all of his buddies went. He said that he wasn't feeling good and used that as his excuse. He had prepared for this roast and he was ready to go. Howard told him to roast him when he comes in this week. Artie laughed when he heard that.
Artie said that everything becomes hell on this drug because you plan your life around it. He said that he has to take it a couple of times in an hour. He was trying to figure out how he was going to fly to Los Angeles and not take it. Howard sounded very surprised at how frequently Artie had to take heroin.
Artie said that he never did the stuff there at the show. Howard figured he was doing it there but Artie insisted that he never did. He said that he had to go through the withdrawals there.
Artie went on to talk about this trip to Los Angeles and how he had pulled it off before when he was on drugs. He said that he had everything planned out and how he was going to get through it all. He said he had it all planned in his head and it was all going to start at 6:50 in the morning and go until 1 am.
Artie said that he ran out of heroin the night before at midnight. He fell asleep and woke up at 4:30 when his alarm went off. He got into a bit of a frenzy because he wasn't packed and didn't have anything organized. He said he started to run around and lost track of the time. He said that he had taken a Subutex within 3 hours of taking the heroin and that's not a good thing. He's supposed to wait until he's going through the withdrawals. He said that he got violently ill because of that.
Artie said that he tried to go into the shower and wasn't able to do anything. He was trying to get on the plane with no bag and just buy clothes out in L.A. instead. He said he's done that before so that's no big deal. Artie said that his whole goal was to just get on the plane. He just needed his jokes.
Artie said that he was in the shower freaking out because he realized what he had done by taking the Subutex when he did. He said he didn't know what to do at that point so he kept delaying the time that he could get to the airport. He said that every time he'd get out of the shower he'd sweat so much that he'd have to shower again. He eventually just gave up and figured he wouldn't make it to the roast.
Artie said that he didn't know how bad things were going to get at that point so he had a call into his doctor and to a pharmacy. He wanted to know what might be happening to him. He wondered if he was going to die at that point.
Artie said that he was out of his mind at that point so he wondered who to call. He called his lawyer, Jarred Levine, and figured he'd know what to do. He said it was about 1 in the morning L.A. time so he left Jarred a voice mail. He told him that he was really sick and wasn't going to make it out there. He only told him that he was really sick.
Artie said that he got so sick that he was almost literally turning green. Howard said that it would have pissed him off if he had gotten super hero powers out of this experience. Artie said he could have told Howard the formula for how to get them if he had.
Artie said that he figured that he was going to die at 41 years old. Then he got a call from his lawyer. He said that he felt really guilty that he was doing this to these guys who put the roast together. Jarred told him that he had spoken to Joel Gallen and Joel just wanted him to get better. Artie told Jarred that he was just sick with the flu or something.
Artie said that Jarred called Joel and Joel wanted to talk to him. Artie said that this roast was really important to Joel and he was just trying to do a show. They were going to send him a private jet with a medic on board and they'd have a doctor meet him out there. They were willing to do just about anything to get him out there. Artie said that they were going to spend $65,000 to fly him out there and if he was still too sick out there, they would just eat that. Artie said that he was pondering actually doing it at that point.
Artie said that he wasn't being truthful with these people and he wasn't sure if he could pull it off. He said that he was going to go out there and he knew he wouldn't be 100 percent. He said that they'd all be joking about him being a junkie and a blob. He said that he knew that he might die flying out there or die on the show. He said he had already promised Howard that he'd die on his show so he couldn't go out and die out there.
Artie said that he could have gone to these people out there and told them to shoot him up with morphine and he'd be fine. He thought about doing that and he was willing to give it a try just to figure out if it would work. Artie said that he finally said that he just can't do this and he has to go get help. He told Jarred what was going on and he told Joel what was going on and they were very cool about the whole thing. He said that they were so cool about it. Artie said that he loves Joel and the people at Comedy Central.
Artie said that he called the pharmacy and asked if he could take Tylenol with the stuff he had taken. He got the okay for that and somehow fell asleep for four hours. He drove himself to a detox center that he knew about in Jersey. He said it's not the greatest facility but he checked in for an overnight stay. He said that he had checked in as an inpatient but they would only let him out if he had a therapist check him out first.
Artie said that he called the guy that Richard Lewis told him about and the guy was like a wise old man who was expecting his call. He got him out of that place and the guy is now taking care of him.
Artie said that he got himself out of the detox and into the care of this guy. He said that Richard was right because he's never had a connection with a guy like he did with this guy. He said that he's a brilliant guy and he's spoken to him a lot. He said that they've been doing an hour a day now.
Artie said that he got the heroin out of him and started back on the Subutex. Now the doctor wants him to just take them when he's really needing them. He said that he can't just pop them like he has been.
Artie said that he that all straightened out and got the foreword that Howard wrote. He said that his intro was so touching that it inspired him. He said that his therapist read it and he was impressed by it too. He said the guy isn't even a big fan of the show. Howard wondered why there are so many people out there who aren't big fans. Artie said this guy is like 70 years old.
The therapist told him to carry that foreword to inspire him to stay off the drugs. Artie said the guy told him to just carry a copy with him all the time so he can read it when he feels the need. Artie said that it was very powerful to him. Howard said that Beth kind of read it stone faced but eventually said that she thought that Artie would love it.
Artie said that he needs something to move him and this foreword that Howard wrote is probably what will do it for him. Artie said that people are probably going to buy the book just so they can read the foreword. He said that it came at an incredible time too.
Robin asked Artie how long he's been off the stuff. He said he's been sober for 8 days and his goal is to stop drinking and all of that stuff. He said that he's not going to be able to see his therapist today and he's kind of pissed about that.
Artie said that this seems to be going great because he gets along with this guy so well. He said he got a call from Dana while all of this was going on too. Artie said that his agent put out a press release and that led to him feeling kind of bad that he didn't give the story to Howard 100 News. Howard said that Tim Sabean was kind of pissed that they didn't give them the story. Artie said he did call Shuli and tell him about most of this but Tim must have told them to save it for the show.
Artie said that he had a very lucrative gig that he had to pass on at Foxwoods. He said that they were very understanding up there and he will reschedule the gig up there. He said that his therapist told him that he couldn't do that gig. It was the first gig he had ever canceled like that. He said that the worst was canceling for Bob Levy's club. He said he talked to Bob and he wanted to go out with him and ''not drink'' but he has seen Bob out there on the road lately and he figured it would be best not to go out.
Howard and Robin talked about what they thought was going on with Artie. Robin said she knew that something was up with him the way he was nodding off during the show. Artie said that some of that had nothing to do with the drugs.
The caller said that he thinks that they're letting Artie off the hook too easy and they should do more for him. He said that Robin saw what was going on and she didn't do anything. Howard said he had no clue that Artie was on anything. He said that he also subscribes to the belief that he's a grown man and he should be able to take care of his own problems. Artie did show up to work.
Artie said that he really likes this therapist and he thinks that he's going to do really good with this guy. The caller asked Artie if he would be willing to be censured if he falls off the wagon again. Howard said that it's not their responsibility to get Artie off of drugs.
The caller said that Howard is the teacher in the classroom and he has to do something. Howard said that if that's the case, he wants out of that position. He said that it's not up to him to do anything to get Artie off of the stuff. The caller said that he is responsible to do stuff for him.
Howard said that they wrote something about how his wife begged him, as he was dying, not to go. Robin said that they had him in a medical coma and he kind of woke up and that's when she asked him not to leave her. Bernie told her that his body was tired.
Howard played some audio of Bernie doing some of his act about smart assed kids. Howard said that guy was really funny. He played some more clips from his act where Bernie talks about his fucked up family. Howard said that he hopes Bernie Mac rests in peace.
Howard said that Bernie has been on the show a few times but he only knew him through the show. He said that he seemed to be doing really well in his career and everyone got excited when he came on the show. He said that he spoke in a way that was fantastic. He loved that delivery he had.
Artie said that Bernie was one of those guys who was on the road from the age of 17. He wasn't making a lot of money on the road and he'd perform in the subway to make money according to Robin.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he had a near death experience this weekend. He said he was out on his boat and it exploded. He said that he was all by himself and the boat caught fire. Howard laughed when he heard that. Dominic said he's done with boats now. Howard said that it's always a disaster for Dominic on the boat.
Gary asked if he got rescued in his underwear. Dominic said that's what happened. Howard asked if people reported a sperm whale in the water.
Dominic said that he was in the water and listening to his Stiletto when it happened so he was thinking about the guys on the show when it was burning. Dominic said he was wearing the same shoes he was wearing when he fell in the East River. Howard said that Dominic has to stay out of the water. He's seen a lot of bad things happen with him on that boat.
Dominic said that the Coast Guard showed up and they knew who he was and they were all saying they couldn't wait to call into the show. Howard asked what caused the fire. Dominic said that he doesn't know exactly what caused the fire. Something to do with an intake manifold being clogged or something like that.
Howard said that something wasn't adding up with this story. Dominic said that he was just relaxing out on the boat and he had his pants off. Howard said that made no sense and he wondered if he was jerking off or something. Dominic said he was moving too fast to do that.
Dominic told the story about how he found the fire on the boat and how he had to get on the radio to call out for a mayday. He said they should be able to get tape of that. There is no video of him in his underwear though. Howard did his impression of Dominic calling out his mayday and said that the Coast Guard must not have understood what he was saying. It turns out Dominic got onto some guy's boat and never went into the water. He said this nice guy had pulled up next to his boat and picked him up.
Fred played the ''Shaft'' theme song which was written and performed by Isaac Hayes. Artie also reminded people that he was the voice of Chef on ''South Park.'' Howard said that he quit that show because they made fun of Scientology and he was a devout Scientologist.
Howard had Fred play some of Hayes' other songs that he liked. Robin talked about his album ''Hot Buttered Soul .''
Howard had a caller on the line and the guy said he was at the gym where he sees people stretching people out all the time. He said that the trainers usually use a towel on the guys but when they're stretching out a hot chick, they don't use a towel. Howard said he knows just what he's referring to because he's seen that going on at the gym. The caller said that he has to think about what Beth is going through when she's training. Artie said that you have to put that out of your head or you'll go nuts.
Howard said that Beth is training for the NYC Marathon and he ran with her for 6 of the 15 miles she was going to be doing. He said that she's rock solid right now. He said that she's running for the North Shore Animal League to raise money for them.
The caller said that he was glad they were back from vacation and figured that they'd be going away the last week of the summer. Howard said that they always do. He let that guy go and went to break.
Oprah said that she wants to come in and ride the Sybian and that she's a squirter so Gary had better bring his goggles. She also joked about how she had dropped Stedman so she could go out with Jim Florentine. She even knew Artie's name. She asked Artie if the toilets there could handle hefty people like they are.
Howard said that he read that Mel wants to move out of the building when their lease is up because it's so expensive. Oprah said she hopes that she and Martha Stewart can use double ended dildos on each other at some point for Howard TV.
Oprah said that she had a baby out of wedlock and that baby's name is Beetlejuice. Howard said he was impressed that she knew so much about the show. She said that she's a big fan. She was also asking if Howard could hook her up with Lebron James.
Oprah said that she was wearing her big, purple sweat pants, just like you'd expect to see her in. Howard said that he would like her to tap her clit against the phone. Oprah tapped something and then said that she wasn't quite erect yet. Howard thanked her for calling in and let her go a short time later.
Howard said that was something else with her banging her clit on the phone. He said they had the wrong impression of her. Artie said that's going to end up in Page Six tomorrow.
Howard played another tape of Madonna congratulating them on the merger. It was another goof of course. They had A-Rod in the room with her as she was giving her congratulations in her British accent.
Howard said that everyone is happy about this merger except for the NAB. He said that they say that it's inconsequential. Howard said that he loves this service and he listens to the music channels all the time. Robin said she was listening to The Chill the other day. Howard said he listens to the Spa channel, Lithium, Buzz Saw and a bunch of others.
Howard said that this chick that he was with is so crazy that she won't let them do a paternity test on her baby because she's thinking that he's going to marry her when his wife kicks. Howard said that Edwards isn't going to marry this chick.
Howard said that Edwards said that he waited until his wife was in remission before he cheated on her. He said that wasn't the brightest thing to say. Howard said that he wouldn't want him as a trial lawyer after hearing that.
Howard said that the National Enquirer seems to be doing a great job because they brought this story out a few weeks ago. Robin said that she had read about it a while back and knew what her driver was talking about when he asked her if she had heard about this story.
Howard played a song parody that a fan created about Artie going to rehab. He had all of the details about his missing the Bob Saget roast and all of that in the song.
Howard also played a couple of news reports where they talked about Artie's visit to rehab. In two of the reports they said that Artie has been addicted to food. One guy asked what hasn't he been addicted to. Artie blurted out ''Your show...'' when he heard that question.
Howard said that if he were John Edwards, he would have just gone on Nightline and said that just about everyone out there is cheating on their spouses and that's what he was up to. Robin said that she got a note from Judith Regan who said that they should have asked John McCain about cheating on his previous wife as well. She said that he applied for his second marriage license when he was still married to his first wife. Robin had gotten the names screwed up so Howard had to straighten that out before going on with the story.
Robin went on to talk about how McCain had gone back to his wife after being in Vietnam and didn't like what he saw when he came home. He ended up leaving her for this new wife of his. She said that she was going to look into that more to find out if that's all true though.
Howard said that if he were John Edwards he'd just tell people that he got weak and he wanted to fuck someone else. He said the guy is a good looking guy and he can get some other women so he wants to take advantage of that. He said that the guy is a man and he has needs.
Another caller said that he's been clean for 5 years now. He was doing the same stuff that Artie was doing. The guy said that things are tough and you have to stay in touch with your friends and stay on the meds and stay in therapy. The guy was breathing kind of heavy so Howard asked if he was on an oxygen tank. The guy said he was just nervous but Fred started playing oxygen tank sound effects for the guy.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Artie if he had cried in therapy. Artie said that of course he has. He said that he started to cry when he found out the doctor wasn't in his insurance plan and he'd have to pay for it himself.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. He said that she's in Hampton's Magazine and she's looking good in there. Howard said that Beth figured that she might not know about it and he had to tell her. Howard said that she has to know about it and she probably has it hanging in a frame already.
Lisa said that they have some questions from staff members there for Artie. She was about to get into that but Howard said that he was going to get his finger tattooed tomorrow. Lisa asked if she could go with him. Howard said that Shanghai Kate is coming in to do it there tomorrow.
Howard said that he's getting a ''B'' tattooed to his finger and Beth thinks that it's really romantic. Howard said he can change it to ''Bitch'' if she ever leaves him. He doesn't know if it should face him or face the public. The guys told him that it should be there so he can read it. Howard said he thinks that it should be toward other people so they can read it.
Howard said that he had the B picked out and it's going to be kind of like the script B that he has on his necklace.
Fred asked Howard if it was true that there's an 18 month rule about getting a tattoo for their spouse that says that relationships only last 18 months from the time they get that tattoo. Howard said that he's not sure about that and Hulk Hogan was married for 30 years. Robin said they don't know how happy that relationship was though.
Robin said that she doesn't think that he's crazy to do this. A caller told Howard that you always put the tattoo on you so other people can read it. He said that everything is supposed to face down on the appendage you're getting it on. The caller had 15 or 20 tattoos so he knows the rules. He said that he'd never get a name or initial of a woman on him.
Howard said that he's starting to wonder if he's doing the right thing now as this gets closer. Fred told him to get a temporary tattoo instead of a real one.
Lisa asked if Beth is getting a wedding band. Howard said that she is and it will have diamonds in it. Lisa gasped when she heard that. Howard asked her what she was doing this weekend and found out she was having a good time out in Sag Harbor.
Howard took a call from a guy pretending to be Beth. She said that she was getting an S but it wasn't going to stand for Stern. It was going to have a line through it so it would look like a dollar sign. She also told him that the B can stand for Broke when she leaves him.
Gary came in and said that Lisa has been watching a web cam on a court house keeping an eye out for Howard and Beth going in to get married. Howard told her to calm down with that nonsense.
Lisa got back to her news report and said that some of the guys were wondering if Artie's last sick day was because of heroin. Artie said that it was because of the heroin. He said that it's not every time that he's been out that it's because of the drugs though.
Lisa said that when Artie hit his eye, did that have to do with the drugs. Artie said that he was loopy from the shit that day too. Artie said that his therapist told him that you really can screw things up because William Holden hit his head and bled to death.
Artie said that he didn't feel any pain from that knock on the head and he didn't even need any medication to help him out. He said that he really did trip and fall but it was from being loopy. Howard said that would motivate him to get off of heroin if that was him.
Howard said that the eye injury was back in May so Artie has been on that shit for more than 7 weeks like he claimed. Artie said that he couldn't lie and said that he was loopy back then. Robin said that she knew something was going on with him back then but Howard said he's not sure about that.
Artie said that he heard the replay of the day he and Howard had the ''bro'' argument and that was all based on something that Robin got wrong.
Lisa said that they found a hole in Artie's wall at his shore house. Artie said that was when he was trying to tie his shoe and fell into it. He said that he didn't even realize that he had done that until about 4 hours later.
Howard asked Artie if he's ever fucked on heroin. Artie said that he has but you can't cum. He said that you last forever on that stuff. Howard asked why they don't make something that could stop guys from premature ejaculation. Artie said that there is a certain amount of cocaine that can do that for you. It makes you last longer and the orgasm is insane.
Robin said she thought that marijuana was the best sex drug. Howard cut that conversation off and had Lisa get back to her news. She went on to talk about Jim Florentine's interview on the Jay Thomas show last week that started off kind of shaky. She said that Jim was giving one word answers for the first few minutes of the interview after Jay called him a ''lame duck interview.''
Lisa said that the Iron Sheik is going back out on the road with the Killers of Comedy. She also wondered what happened with the wedding essay contest because High Pitch Mike has been waiting to hear about the wedding. Howard said that Jerry O'Connell won a shot at going and his essay was a little better than Mike's. Artie said he didn't want to open a can of worms but he told Lisa to tell him that he's kind of odd looking and Jerry is a good looking celebrity.
Howard said that Seth Rogen is coming in and he really enjoyed the movie. He said that he got to see the second half of the movie but Robin didn't. Howard said that Seth is very talented and he's got a big career going right now. Robin said that he shouldn't be a big star though. He doesn't look the part.
Howard said it would be funny of Julie said that she had held the kids and Voight hadn't. He played through some more of the interview and goofed on the guy a little more.
Howard had Seth Rogen come in a short time later. He said that they made $45 million at the box office this weekend. Howard said that Seth wrote Superbad and helped write ''Knocked up'' and ''Pineapple Express.'' He asked Seth if he gets nervous when they come out. Seth said that they are pretty inexpensive to make but they do make him nervous. He said that they did very well with this new one already so they're out of the woods.
Howard asked Seth how he got into the movies and if it's true that he smokes a lot of weed. Seth said that he does smoke a lot and he's smoked since high school. Howard said that he can't smoke anymore because it's too much for him. He said that he had no idea how intense the stuff had gotten.
Seth said he can't smoke during the filming of a movie because he does get paranoid. Howard said they do make it very funny in the movie and he wondered if he worries about encouraging the kids to do it. Seth said he thinks that they should smoke it and he doesn't worry about that at all.
Howard asked about the hot chick in the movie, Amber Heard, and who she is. Seth said that she was dating some 35 year old guy at the time of the shoot and they were doing a scene where she was dating an older man and made it seem kind of creepy. Seth said that she also dated Crispen Glover.
Howard said that the interns were fighting over who was going to get him to sign a release today and they're hot chicks. Seth said that he's been dating a chick for a few years now but he does have a whole new mindset over hot chicks because he figures he could get a lot of them now that he's where he's at.
Seth has been writing movies since he was 13 and his parents always encouraged him to do it. He said that he's from Vancouver, British Columbia but his father is from Newark so he's very cultured.
Howard asked Seth about the weed smoking and how his girlfriend handles it. He said that she'd prefer that he eat it or get a vaporizer or something. He said he can't eat it though because he's trying to lose weight.
Howard asked Seth if he ever thinks that maybe he's too baked to have a big movie career. Seth said that he feels he could branch out and do other stuff like Harrison Ford has done because he's heard that Ford smokes a lot of weed.
Howard asked Seth if the best thing in his career was hooking up with Judd Apatow. He said that it really was. He said that he got his first job because of that guy. He said that he was plucked right out of high school when he did the TV show ''Freaks and Geeks.'' Howard read that he's been writing comedy since he was 13 and he used to do stand-up back then. Seth said that he has tapes of that old stuff so Howard told him he would like to see that stuff. Robin pointed out that Seth dropped out of high school and smokes weed all the time so he's quite the role model.
Howard and Seth talked about Seth's writing partner, Evan, and how he has no interest in being on camera. Seth said he really doesn't want to be on camera at all. Seth said that he and Evan are writing The Green Hornet together. Howard said that he loves Batman and Spider-Man because they treat them very seriously. He said that he hopes that they're going to do that with The Green Hornet. Seth said that they will be doing that but they're also going to point out some of the funny stuff they leave out in those movies. They'll have more detail about the whole relationship between The Green Hornet and Kato. Seth said that they're looking for a director for The Green Hornet.
Seth said that the first time he ever saw Howard was in Private Parts and he looked at him as if he were a movie star and not as a radio guy. Howard asked Seth if he ever thought he was going to be a movie star. Seth said that he used to make lists of fat guys who were famous and he never thought he would be one.
Howard asked Seth how he ended up getting James Franco to play the part in the movie. Seth said that he and James worked on Freaks and Geeks together. Seth said he never thought that James would do the movie or even talk to him again. He said that he liked the script and wanted to play the goofy stoner guy so that's the part they gave to him.
Howard said that Seth's success is going to go to his head eventually and he will probably want to bang other chicks and not just his girlfriend. Seth is 26 years old and said that sex isn't something he aims for. He said that he's kind of lame sexually. He said he wouldn't want to ruin his life just to have sex. He said he's not really into marriage though and he's not sure if he even wants to have kids. Howard said he'll come around eventually.
Howard said that Seth is going to have a lot of temptation out there in this industry. Seth said he knows that, he works with a lot of porn stars in these movies he does. He said that he did one movie where he was doing a scene with a stripper and he could see her asshole hair as she was stripping.
Howard said that Seth turned down a role in a big movie. Seth said he can't even remember what the name of the movie was. He said that he has one rule and it's ''Would I go see this movie'' when he reads a script. He said that he wouldn't go see that movie. He said that he will be playing the part of the Green Hornet when they make that movie. He said that he's going to be working out and getting into shape, or trying to anyway. He said that if he can't get into shape then they're going to have a fat Green Hornet.
Seth said that his diet is rough on him and even rougher when he smokes weed and gets hungry from that. He said that he smokes every morning and he loves his bong. He said that he might just take three hits or something in the morning. He won't smoke a whole joint.
Seth said that he has tried other stuff like coke, ecstasy, shrooms and other stuff. He hasn't tried heroin. He said his parents were okay with him smoking pot because they once caught him with an ounce of shrooms in his back pack. He said they were okay with the pot after they found that.
Howard said that Seth was a staff writer for ''Da Ali G Show'' and he had no idea about that. Seth said that he and Evan both wrote for that show and they'd come up with the crazy stuff that he'd do on that show. He said that they came up with a lot of crazy shit for that show. Evan said that Sacha Baron Cohen was a great guy.
Seth said that he's going to be working with Adam Sandler in a film soon. He said that Judd Apatow's next movie is going to have him and Adam Sandler in it. Howard said that this is crazy and asked him how much he's worth. Seth said he really doesn't know.
Howard asked Seth how big his penis is. Seth said it's probably normal. He said that it's a good size and it's a text book penis.
Howard read that Seth was a brown belt in Karate. Seth said that he can handle himself pretty well. He knows all of the moves but he took it at a Jewish community center and not some crazy dojo. Howard told Seth he's doing very well.
Howard said that they didn't beat Batman and asked if he was bummed out about that. He said that they're happy that they did as well as they did with a weed film. He said that they've probably made more than any other weed film already.
Howard asked Seth if he's got any shitty stuff going on in his life. Seth said that his girlfriend wants a dog and he doesn't but that's about it. Howard asked why she's trying to complicate things. Howard asked if he uses a rubber with her. Seth said that he doesn't because she's on the pill. He said that she doesn't want to be pregnant and doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. Seth said that he'd probably leave her if she had a kid too. He said he'd tell her to keep that rat if she wanted to raise it.
Howard asked Seth how he got hooked up with Adam Sandler. Seth said that Judd Apatow has known him for a long time. Howard said that he really enjoyed ''Pineapple Express'' because he could sit around watching people get high all day long. He wondered if it's hard to pitch it to a studio. Seth said that they started pitching that movie back in 2001 so it's not easy to get it done.
Howard asked Seth if they smoke real weed in the movie. Seth said it's this fake stuff that's really gross. He said that it'll probably kill him in a few years like the silver paint did to the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Gary looked it up and said that wasn't true and the guy died of a heart attack. Seth gave Gary a ''fuck you'' and said that he hates the internet because of that. He said he's always wrong about stuff now that people can look it up so fast.
Howard took some phone calls for Seth after that. A few guys said that they really like Seth and the movies he's been in. One guy asked about shows like Robot Chicken and stuff like that. Seth said he likes that stuff. Hanzi called in and said he thought the movie was great. He said that he smoke 450 roaches one time on New Years. Seth said he knows a lot of guys like that.
A few more callers told Seth how funny his movie was. One guy asked Seth about this one chick, Linda Cardellini, that was on Freaks and Geeks with him and how hot she is. Howard asked Seth if he smoked weed before the show today. Seth laughed and said that it's way too early for that.
One caller asked Seth about the time he and his buddies were smoking fake weed on MTV during the movie awards and the camera pulled back. Seth said that they told them ahead of time that they were going to do it and they told them 30 seconds before they went on that they couldn't do the bit. He said they went out and did it anyway.
Seth said that he did TRL the other day and they told him not to mention weed at all when they were promoting the movie. That's what the whole movie is about.
One caller took a hit off his bong and told Seth to give him a call if he ever needs anyone for his movies. Seth said that he thinks the appropriate age to start smoking is around 13. Howard told Seth that he and Robin enjoyed the movie and then wrapped up and went to break.
Howard said that he had a story about Matthew McConaughey where he talks about planting his kid's placenta in an orchard. He said that it's so self serving to do something like that.
Howard said that it turns out Seth Rogen was owed an apology about the tin man thing. He said that Buddy Ebsen was supposed to play the part and the paint made him sick.
Howard said that their friend Lisa Lampanelli is going to be at Radio City Music Hall on September 13th and he forgot to mention that when ''Oprah'' called in earlier.
Howard also mentioned that he saw Kevin Costner when he was leaving work the Thursday before vacation. He said that Kevin was there at SIRIUS and he stopped to talk to him for a few minutes. He said that he's a big fan of some of Kevin's movies so that was kind of cool. He said that he loved the movie ''The Bodyguard'' when he was banging Whitney Houston. He said that's when she was still hot back then.
Howard said he was walking out and Kevin was there with his band. He said that Kevin pulled him into a room and told him that he was a big fan of the show. Howard said that Kevin said that he appreciated him backing him up with stuff over the years and he appreciated that. Howard said that he spoke to him for about 10 minutes and Kevin kicked his band mates out of the room while they were talking. Howard said he seemed like a nice dude.
Howard said that he didn't remember that thing that went on with Kevin on his honeymoon that Robin brought up. Howard said that he had asked Kevin about his pending marriage and what he thought about that. Howard said the guy treated him like a human being so he really appreciated that.
Howard said that Gary sent him this message that they got from a radio industry thing where they were congratulating syndicated radio personalities of the year and John Tesh was on the list. Howard said that's how bad the radio industry has gotten that they give John Tesh an award for being the best syndicated radio host.
Howard said that those guys were funny and they were great on the show. Artie said that they were hilarious on the show. He said that he thought they were performance artists when they were on but Howard said they believed their shit. Howard said they gave them hours of entertainment. He said that he knew that kid was having troubles but didn't know the whole story. His name was Eric Liebowitz.
Steve also had a story about Captain Janks being sued in small claims court over a gig he collected money for and didn't show up to. They also have a story about KC Armstrong who claims he had a misunderstanding with a rental car company. He kept his rental car for 3 or 4 months longer than he was supposed to. Howard said he's going to call in to talk about that. He ran out of time today to get to him.
Steve said they have a story about Martha Stewart doing a new show. They also have a story about Gary and Artie hosting a showing of the movie ''Tropic Thunder'' for veterans and military guys. That led to Howard and Robin talking about how they saw that movie and loved it. Howard said that the movie is really funny. He said that Jack Black plays a character that is actually Artie.
Artie said that he's hosting that and also doing a stand-up gig tomorrow night. He said that they're doing this gig for a guy who doesn't have any insurance and he has operable cancer. He said that the benefit will really help the guy and they're doing that at the Gotham Comedy Club at 8 o'clock.
Steve wrapped up and then Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down his list of stuff that they were going to cover today.
Robin also talked about going to Poland during her vacation and how she went to the concentration camps while she was over there. She said that it's something you have to see to believe what went on over there. Howard told stories about his mother telling him about the concentration camps so he feels as if he were there himself after hearing them.
Robin talked about the ovens they had over there and how they would march people in there. She said that they used to shoot everyone before they had the gas chambers. She said that they have quotes from the Nazis where they were happy about the gas chambers because they didn't have the same kind of blood bath that they did. She said it was amazing. She talked about seeing Schindler's apartment and some other stuff.
Robin got back into her news and talked about Bernie Mac's death. She had some background on his lung problems. She said that they had to induce a coma and Bernie didn't make it. She had some clips of people talking about Bernie's death.
Robin talked about Isaac Hayes dying and how he was found next to a running treadmill. She played some of his music and read some details about his life. Howard talked a little more about what he was saying about Hayes earlier in the morning. He said he really liked some of his music.
Robin had some news about John Edwards having an affair with a videographer. She had some audio of Edwards explaining it and the woman giving her side of the story. She had more about the Olympics and how Bob Costas was asking President Bush about politics instead of sticking to sports.
Robin had some various news about Hillary Clinton going out and campaigning for Barack Obama, some clips of Seth Rogen talking about his new movie and more. Howard said that Artie was actually standing up now and not falling asleep like he usually would by this time.
Robin had some news about The Dark Knight movie making some ridiculous amount of money. She said it's right behind Titanic. She had some more clips of George Lopez commenting on Bernie Mac's death. She wrapped up her news segment a short time later. Howard ended the show around 10:20am.
Artie said that it was going to be fun going to that roast. He heard that they were still joking about him even though he didn't show up. He said he heard that Saget made some references to him dying that were supposedly pretty funny.
Jon said that it sounded like Artie was very excited about this roast. Artie said he was looking forward to it and he was going to hang with Jimmy Kimmel after the roast. He said that the after parties at those things are great. He said that he had a whole agenda that was going to be fun but it all went to shit because of his horrible addiction.
Jon asked Artie about how Robin seemed to be jumping out of the gate to talk to him about this stuff. He asked if it got on his nerves that she wanted to point out how right she was. Artie said that Robin is the voice of support in the back whenever anyone is down. He said that she was entertaining during that ''bro'' argument but she's the one piling on and she can be an outright liar during that stuff too.
Artie said that Robin goes through some insane shit herself and she just sucks it up and takes it so he tries to do the same. Gary said that Ham Hands Bill is working on a song parody about Artie. Artie said he could imagine what that's like. He did his impression of Bill and goofed on his song parodies a little bit.
Artie told some stories about his pool playing days and how he and his friend Deej used to set people up in pool games and try to scam them out of money. He said that this one time he blew it and ended up losing 800 bucks to a guy. He said that Deej was really pissed at him after that.
Artie told some other stories about the guys he used to play with. He said that he once played a kid who kept playing double or nothing and the kid ended up owing him $250,000 by the end of the night. He said that he worked out a deal with the kid to get him a radio installed in his car for free. The kid got him the radio and they called the $250,000 even after that. Artie said that his car died one day after that and he ended up leaving it on the side of the road near Newark Airport so he ripped the radio out and took the licence plates off and walked home.
Jon asked Artie about the pool playing some more so Artie got into some details about the billiards league he plays in and how he has a table at his house down at the Jersey Shore now. He said that he went to just play pool the night he got the heroin again. He said that the wrong guy asked him at the right time if he wanted any and that led to him getting hooked again.
Jon asked Artie how he's able to stop the way he did when he was going to Afghanistan. Artie said that he knew that things were going to go really bad eventually so he had to make it stop before he did the USO tour. He said that it meant enough to him that he stopped it before he left. Gary said that Artie handled that whole trip really well and that was kind of surprising.
Gary said that when they got back from the tour people noticed that Artie was very happy and talkative. Artie said that he was wired from the trip and the pressure was off of him at that point. He said the ugliness was gone and he was feeling really good after that.
Gary said that the USO guy that was helping them out noticed that Artie had changed after the tour was over. Artie said that had nothing to do with the drugs. He said that he always got like that when he was growing up and he must be bi-polar or something. He said he hopes to be happy by the time he retires but he's not sure if that will happen either.
Jon asked Artie about the foreword that Howard wrote for his book. Artie said that it really blew him away and his mother and sister felt better about his recovery after they read it because they knew how much it meant to him. Artie said that it's really extraordinary and everyone can read ''Too Fat To Fish'' when it comes out in his book on November 11th. He said you can pre-order it on amazon.com now.
Jon asked Artie about his therapy and what he's thinking about that. Artie said that he's never met a guy that he's clicked with on any level. He said that he felt like some of them were just pill pushers. He said that this guy is different. He said that he usually gets to a point in therapy where he just figures he's done but this guy is different and he's having an easier time talking to him.
Artie said that he likes that Richard Lewis called him with the name of this doctor. He said that Richard just gets it and he knew that he'd need that number. He said that things are going great at this point.
Jon took some phone calls after that. One woman said that she's glad that Artie is getting some help. She said that she has Multiple Sclerosis and she really appreciates the show and she wants Artie around. Artie said that he can't compare what he's going through to what she's going through. She told him that it will eventually hit him that he's going to be okay. Artie told her to have her daughters come down when they turn 18. He was just joking about that of course.
Another caller said that he's glad that Artie is getting some help. He said that without Artie on the show he'd probably be on heroin himself. He said he hopes that he's going to be at his show on September 12th. Artie said that he's going to reschedule Foxwoods and all of the other dates are going to be honored.
One guy called in and said that he went up to MGM to see Artie's show and as he was checking in he got the call about him canceling. Artie said that he feels insanely guilty over that because he's never done something like that before. The caller said it took him 2 and a half hours to get up there and it wasn't until he got there that he found out it was canceled. The caller said that he wasn't looking for anything but Artie told him that he'd get him into the show for free.
Artie said that he heard that Foxwoods is really nice and much nicer than it was 12 years ago when he did a show with Norm MacDonald up there. He said that he and Norm had a huge room up there when they did the show there.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that they all know that Artie is a man's man but everyone fucks up at some point. He said that he shouldn't feel so bad about the whole deal. He said that he should be glad that he's back at work with his buddies.
Another caller said that he lost a few bucks up there at Foxwoods but the place was very nice. He said that he had a present for Artie that he's not going to bring for him next time. He said that he had some extras for him. Jon asked Artie about that and how fans will bring him stuff like that. Artie said that a lot of people probably think that he's bullshitting on the air and they want to party with him.
Artie said that he had a smokin hot chick come up to him and asked him to come up to her room and do coke with her. He said he had the will power to not do it.
The caller said that it's just a way to meet the person and hang out with them in a different way. Artie said that he's had therapists come up to him and tell him that he can never ever have a drink ever in his life again. He said that could never happen with him. The caller also asked for free tickets so Artie hooked him up but cut off the avalanche for free tickets by saying he had to go. He said that he has to smooth things over with the people up at Foxwoods before he does another show anyway.
Artie said that he could have just ended up doing more and more of that crap if he hadn't gotten the help. He said that he uses it as a crutch and if he hadn't crashed the way he did, he'd probably still be doing it.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Artie if this was a way to get Dana back in his life. Artie said that as much as he loves Dana, this had nothing to do with her.
Gary asked Artie where he was getting this stuff from. Artie said that it was more local than Delaware but he wasn't saying where it came from. He said that he would like to talk about it but he never will. He said he was getting celebrity treatment at the time.
Artie said that he was writing his book about the heroin use while he was back on heroin. He said that he thought that it would be more creative that way but that's not the way it came out.
Karen said that she had met Artie before and that's why she wasn't freaking out meeting him. Benjy said that she was making him feel really good but he has the feeling she does the same thing when she sees the sidewalk outside.
Shuli told Karen to tell them how she got there. She tried to tell the story but it wasn't coming out. She said that she loves Artie. She said that she met Artie up in Boston and took a picture of his butt crack in the window. Artie thanked her for that.
Shuli said that she met Doug Goodstein out on the street and started crying. Gary said that he'd like to introduce her to Howard. She said that she didn't know what to do. Her husband was there too so Artie asked him if he was as excited as her. He didn't sound quite that excited.
Karen said that she met Doug crossing the street one day and she was just staring at him. He said hello to her and she freaked out. Doug came in around that time and talked about how that went down. Gary said tit was very nice to meet her. He asked her to call his wife and tell her to react like that with him.
Shuli said that Karen has been rating all of the people as they came in to meet her in the green room. She was crying about meeting everyone but High Pitch Mike.
Karen said that she remembers the first time she saw Howard on his channel 9 show when he was doing his ''Pee Wee's Play With Yourself House.'' She was saying that this is in her top 3 moments of her whole life. She wanted to put it at number 2 but that was taken by her speaking at her grandmother's funeral.
Karen was crying and telling the guys how much she loves them but Jon had to go to break. Artie said that this is the way he'd react if he met the cast of Frasier.
Jon asked if there was any awkwardness in the studio. Benjy said that he remembers the first time Artie talked about his heroin use and how he cried. Today wasn't the same thing. It's like they're used to it now.
Gary said that they kind of knew the story already so it wasn't so surprising. Jon said that they did know about it and it had happened before so it wasn't quite as shocking.
Benjy said that he wanted to congratulate Artie but then he figured he has a long way to go before they can start doing that. Gary said that Kinison would come in all the time and brag that he had his 60 day chip and then come in a couple of months later and say he had his 30 day chip. He would always fall off the wagon.
A caller asked Gary if he feels like an idiot now that he's been proven wrong for defending Artie all the time. Gary said he doesn't feel like an idiot. He said that Artie has come a long way over the years and things are going well for him. Jon said that he hopes that he stays on that road he's on now.
The caller asked if they will think twice from now on if something happens. Gary said that they always think twice. Gary said that he doesn't feel stupid about it and he has to take the guy at his word. He said they may have less patience with it from now on though.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked how they think that Howard is going to react to Artie's lies. Gary said that addicts lie and that's just the way things are. The guy said that an intervention should have been done long ago. Gary said he's not sure what they could have done for him. He asked the caller what they should have done. Jon asked the guy if Howard should have said something to him. The caller thinks that they should have done something when he started falling asleep on the show.
The guy said that sooner or later, enough's enough. Gary said that Artie had been clean and sober for a few years. He said that maybe they should put Richard in a program too if that's this guy's thinking. The caller said that Richard doesn't miss work though. The caller said that Artie has missed days because of the drugs.
Teddy got on mic and said that her voice was very strange when she was talking about Howard and Beth's cocktail party. He said he should pull the clip for them to listen to. They talked about how Lisa seems to be getting over the whole wedding thing but they're not sure if she's just saying that to get the attention off of her.
Gary called Sal in to talk about something but then he realized that he wanted to save it for Howard's show instead of this one.
Jon asked Sal about the way Lisa reacts around Howard. Sal said that she's pathetic and she's just doing it to get into the spotlight. Gary said that Lisa is around a lot of celebrities but there's something about Howard that's a cut above all of them. Sal said she's a typical chick. He thinks that she'd want to go to Cousin Brucie's wedding if she was working for him. Sal said that she just wants to be a part of this entourage of celebrities.
Sal asked why every woman has to leach on to the big guy. He said they should get ahead on their own abilities. Jon said that Sal's wife fell for him before he was famous. Sal said that he fell for his wife in college and it what it is. Sal stopped himself from saying anything to get himself into trouble. He said that this world is just one big world of bullshit and they all just deal with it.
Sal said that he got pulled over this weekend and his 8 year old ratted him out to the cops. He said that he was on the phone while he was driving and then the cops pulled him over. He said his son told the cop that he told him to get off the phone. Sal said that the cop pulled him over for making a right on red and didn't know about the phone. Sal said he got out of the tickets because he had 2 PBA cards. He said that he wanted to throw his son out the window but then he took him home and gave him a star for doing something right by turning him in.
Another caller said that Lisa G is just as crazy as Sal and the reason she gets away with it is because she's smarter than he is. He said that she works her way into things and keeps it hidden better. Gary said that Lisa also has license to snoop around Howard by saying she's a reporter.
Sal said that he's getting over Howard now and he now realizes that he isn't going to get in with him the way he wants. Sal said that he gave himself some ''self therapy'' and tried to make himself stop thinking about what's going on there. He said he had to tell himself to stop thinking about all of these other people who hang out with Howard while he doesn't get to.
Gary said that he thinks that Sal looks at Ralph and wonders why he hangs with Howard. Sal said that he's gotten to know Ralph and he's really fun to hang out with so he gets that. He doesn't get the Dominic Barbara thing though. He said that Dominic is so self serving and arrogant that he doesn't see why Howard would hang with him.
Sal said that he doesn't get why Howard would want to hang out with Vinnie Favale for a day either. He said that he thinks he's a nice guy and all but he doesn't know why he would want to spend a day with him. He said he can hang out with whoever he wants to hang out with but he's not sure why he's creeped out by him.
Benjy said that he was good but he was so jealous of some of the stuff that he's done already in his career. He said that it was pretty tough to take. Sal said he thought he was a great guest too.
A caller said that he's fan of Seth's. He said that he wanted to know what the guys there like that Howard doesn't seem to get. They rattled off a bunch of shows like The Simpsons, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Family Guy and a few others. Gary said he thinks that Howard would love Family Guy but he just doesn't get into it.
Gary said that he wasn't sure where the Seth Rogen interview was going to go. He said it could have gone either way but it turned out to be really good.
Gary said that he thinks that Seth Rogen was in the green room when Judd Apatow was there and his movies hadn't come out yet. Gary said he didn't know who he was and didn't bring him in. He said he didn't recognize him from any of the shows that he had done yet.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she loves most of the guys there, except for Benjy. She went on to say that she was on her way up to see Artie over the weekend and then got the message that her tickets were being canceled. She said she needs him to reschedule. She said that they treat people great up there. Sal told her to beat it after she went on a little too much.
Jon took another call from a woman who asked Sal if it was true that he buys manscara and eye liner. Sal said that he doesn't use that stuff but he does use some Aveeno tanning cream. He used to use some concealer on his eyes. Jon had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about the stuff he didn't get to yesterday. He said he was looking at the John Edwards interview on Nightline and figures that guy is lying his ass off. He said he's an amazing guy and always thought he was a weird dude. He said they're thinking he's lying about his affair and how long it was going on. He said the woman is keeping quiet about it and it's not clear why.
Howard said that the mistress was being kept in a 3 million dollar house so she's being well taken care of. Howard went on to read through an article about the whole thing where they talk about the money he's given to this woman. He said that even the mistresses name, Rielle Hunter, is weird.
Howard read that this woman got money for the videos she was shooting for Edwards and now she's still getting money to stay in this house she's at.
Howard said that when he saw the interview it was really obvious that the guy was lying. He said that he should have just come out and said what he was really doing. He said he should have just come out and said that he was fucking this chick for a few years and it felt good so he kept doing it. Edwards thought his wife was going to die so that's why he was doing this. Howard said that the interview was done by Bob Woodruff and they didn't stop them from asking any questions. Howard said the whole interview was bogus and the guy comes across as really creepy.
Howard said that there was an article in Page Six today about Clay Aiken having a baby. He said it just looks weird. He also saw a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal holding hands with his girlfriend and he's looking ripped. He said that he doesn't know how they do it because he's been working out for years and can't do anything like that. Robin said they must be taking drugs or something.
Fred and Artie said that they have nothing else to do during the day so they can work out all day long to get ripped like that. Robin said that most military guys can get ripped because they work out all day long too. Howard said he's done that and he still can't look like that.
Artie asked if Robin is really a side kick or a news woman or what. Howard said that she's all of those. Artie said that some people were even calling him a side kick.
Howard read through some e-mail about Artie's drug rehab and what happened to him over the past couple of months. There were people who wrote in about that story and went off on him. There were people telling Howard to take back his show and not let Artie take it over like he has been doing. There were also some who were happy to hear Artie's story. There were a couple who were near tears hearing the story. One writer said that their sister died of an overdose back in 1995 so they could relate to what he was talking about.
Howard read another negative one about Artie where the writer went off on Artie and threatened to write to SIRIUS about the whole thing. Fred played the ''Artie Had to go to Rehab'' song parody that they played yesterday.
Howard read some other e-mail after that. There was some feedback about Mel Karmazin going on Jim Cramer's show and Mel was holding up pretty well against Cramer. Howard said that he got some feedback about Seth Rogen and read through one of those. The writer liked the interview and wished that more interviews were that good.
Howard said that he's getting his tattoo today and people are writing in to tell him not to get it done. The tattoo artist who wrote in told him that this could mean the end of his relationship with Beth if he puts her name on his body. Howard said that there has to be one person out there who has a successful relationship after getting a tattoo.
Howard said he was talking to his parents yesterday and his father put his arm around his mother and they seem to still dig each other. He said there is hope when he sees something like that. He said that they both criticized him for 52 years so that's what has kept them together.
Howard said he got a card saying that Jillian Barberie donated some money to the North Shore Animal League and he didn't know who it was because the name was Jillian Reynolds. He said he didn't know who it was right away and it took him a while to figure out who the hell it was.
Howard said you can watch his performance, under Roasts, and vote for him if you like his stuff. Artie said that this is a big thing if Mike can get into the Matt Lauer thing. They spent a minute on that and then moved on to other stuff.
Howard had the guys bring Evan in so he could talk to him about that. Gary said he was on his way. The guys spent a minute talking about Evan while they waited for him to come in. Howard said that he was e-mailing the guy back and forth and at one point Benjy wrote that Evan was also Batman and they didn't know that.
Evan came in a couple of minutes later and Howard told him how good he was at his job and how much he appreciates that. Then he brought up the surfing thing and the fighting thing. Evan said that he is a fighter and he used to spar with guys but he's never done anything major. He said he's been in fights but nothing like what Howard was reading. Evan said he did break someone's arm and elbow before but not a kneecap.
Evan said that he wrestled and fought for 15 years so that's how he has the skills. Howard read that he used to compete in body building but Evan said that wasn't true. He almost made the Olympic swim team though. Howard asked about the body building too. Evan said that he used to bench press and he can still lift maybe 235 pounds or so.
Robin asked Evan how he learned the engineering stuff while he was doing all of this other stuff. Evan said he didn't know, he just learned it.
Artie said that he doubles the weight of this guy Evan. Evan said that he has balance and that's what wrestlers have and that's where the skill comes from. Howard said that's what he's heard from these guys who can fight. He said that you just need to be able to take a guy down.
Evan said that he's not all that great of an engineer. He said he learned a lot from his boss who has helped him learn a lot of stuff. He said that he can't take all of the credit for that stuff.
Howard asked to see Evan's muscles so he was showing off his abs and all of that. Robin told him not to wear a shirt to work after seeing his abs.
Howard asked Evan about where he grew up and found out he grew up in Hartford, Connecticut. He said it was pretty tough in school up there.
Howard found out that Evan is engaged. Evan said that he used to go for the super hot chicks and that didn't work out so he went with a woman who just loved him for who he was and now he's engaged.
Howard said he had no idea Evan had anything going on. He said that he's got this secret life going on. Evan said that the rest of them must have stuff like that going on that other people don't know about. Artie said that his thing is heroin.
Howard asked Evan about the underground fights that he was doing. Evan said he was doing it for money and it was kind of a fight club type of thing that he was involved with. He said he did it for the money because he needed some cash. He said he was going through a divorce at the time. He said he's got a 7 year old daughter and he goes up to Connecticut to visit her during the week.
Evan said that he got married for the wrong reasons. He said he got married because his friends were all getting married and he didn't want to be the last one. That was the wrong reason for him.
Evan said his daughter is a great swimmer but he's not going to pressure her into doing it professionally or anything like that.
Evan is getting married again on September 6th. Howard congratulated him on that. Evan said that his first wife got him for just about everything but then he said that wasn't really true.
Howard asked Evan about the fights that he was doing and how many people would come out to see him. He said it was somewhere between 20-50 people at a time. He said that he would make a couple grand for the fights. Howard wrapped up after that and thanked him for coming in to tell them about that stuff.
Howard asked Evan if he could bring in a black guy for him to beat up. Evan didn't seem interested in doing that. He did say that people underestimate him though. Howard asked Evan if he misses the fighting. Evan said that he doesn't really miss it and he has other ways to get out his aggression.
Howard said he's glad he's been nice to Evan. He read that Evan threatened to break every bone in Jason's body. Evan said that was when Jason accused the engineering department of being the problem with the phone system. Evan said that he went to Jason and told him not to talk about him behind his back and just say it to his face. Evan said that he would prefer to have him come right to him if he has a problem.
Howard wrapped up with Evan and let him go a short time later. He said that he had Scott Salem coming in to talk about being the world's greatest ballet dancer.
Robin seemed to be very excited to have gotten to speak to Evan about all of that. Fred threw in a new song parody from Sal where he was singing about giving Robin anal. That led to the guys talking about how Richard shaved his head and how creepy he's looking now. Howard said that Richard was talking about how he's shaved all over now and how good that feels. Howard said he looks like Curly from the Three Stooges.
Richard came in and said that he was at the barber and he got a nice shave and that felt so good that he told the guy to just shave his head. Howard asked him why he would do that if he wants his girlfriend to be attracted to him. Richard said that she likes his face and the hair shouldn't matter. He also said that he's balding so he's really self conscious about that. Howard let Richard go a short time later.
Howard had Sid Rosenberg, the host, on the phone to talk about it. He ran down the list of people who were in the bowling series. He talked about how strange Siobhan was and how he still doesn't know exactly what that is. Howard said that Scott the Engineer is the color commentator and he did a good job too according to Howard.
Howard said that Beetlejuice was mouthing off but he knows how to hold a bowling ball. He said that he just wings the ball from the wrong spot too.
Howard played some audio from the Wack Pack Bowling and talked about how bad some of the people were when he watched. He said that some of these people are very uncoordinated. He said that Double A had no skills at all and Gay Ramone had his ass hanging out in assless chaps.
Artie said that it looked really depressing with Jeff the Drunk sitting there. He said he looked like death sitting there. Howard said that Sid looked like he was ready to jump out of a window when he was talking to Jeff.
Howard said that Yucko was there and he was talking about Croy tripping over her tits and she didn't even care.
Sid said that he had someone grab his ass and it turned out to be Gay Ramone. He said he had a blast shooting the show. Howard had Gay Ramone on the phone so he asked him about the assless chaps. Ramone said that he actually busted out of those things while he was bowling. Artie joked that he'd send him a pair of his to wear.
Howard asked when these shows are supposed to be available. Sid said that the first episode is going to be up tonight.
Howard said that some of the Wack Pack brought their own booze to the event. Sid said that it was Double A who brought all of the liquor. Howard said that Sid was interviewing Elephant Boy at one point and he thinks that he didn't have a clue as to what he was saying. Sid said he just shook his head and that seemed to work just fine during that interview.
Sid was complaining that Artie wasn't calling him back to come on his show. He's been trying to get him on the phone but Artie never returns his calls. Howard said that Sid had some problems with substance abuse. Sid said he's doing okay and he did make it on the show this morning. Howard asked Sid what he was on. Sid said he was doing coke and smoking it. He said that he never mainlined stuff like that. Sid said that he did smoke crack after Artie brought that up. Howard let Sid go a short time later. He told him he did a great job with that show.
Howard said that Tommy Chong was there to promote his new book so he had to get to him. They had to go to break first. He said that they also have Elephant Boy coming in to do Wack Pack Waxing. He went to break a short time later.
Tommy said that he wrote this new book, ''Cheech & Chong: The Unauthorized Autobiography,'' and Cheech had nothing to do with it because they weren't really talking. He said that Cheech called him after the book was announced and then they set up some tour dates.
Howard asked Tommy how long it had been since he saw Cheech. He said that they were talking about getting back together right before he got busted. He said that Cheech did come and visit him when he was in jail. He said that Cheech wasn't too comfortable being around that environment though.
Howard asked Tommy about this new tour that he's doing. Tommy said that he was out on the road doing comedy for a while. He said that his wife was doing that with him too. Howard read that Tommy met his new wife while he was still with the old wife. That led to Howard asking Tommy what he thinks about this John Edwards character going out there and lying about his whole thing.
Tommy said that he never planned on getting together with this woman but then she got pregnant. He said that he didn't go home and tell his wife about that, he kept it quiet and kept two families going. He said that went on for years. He said that his ex-wife eventually got tired of what was going on and that's when they split. He said that she knew about it but just pretended it didn't exist for a while.
Tommy said that he hasn't cheated on this wife ''officially.'' He said that it's never the guy, it's the penis that cheats.
Howard said that they are celebrating the careers of Cheech and Chong in this book. He said that it's a phenomenal thing and asked Tommy if he ever wonders how it happened. Tommy said that he and Cheech met up in Canada when Cheech was dodging the draft for the Vietnam war. He said that they formed a band at first. Howard said that Tommy hung out with Jimi Hendrix and Tina Turner back when he was a musician.
Artie said he read a story about how the song Basketball Jones came about. Tommy told the story about that and how Jack Nicholson was driving the car the night they came up with the song.
Tommy said that he tried to give Jack Nicholson a compliment one night when he saw him out. He said that it was one of those times that he wasn't able to get out what he wanted to say the right way. He said that he told Jack that he liked the way he was combing his hair in this one scene and loved it because he doesn't really have any hair. Jack excused himself and walked away.
Howard asked Tommy about the reunion and if they did it for the money. Tommy said that they do need the money and Cheech needed his title back to get away from ''Cheech the teacher'' and ''Cheech the golf player.'' He said that Cheech has a girlfriend who is under 30 years old so he needs the money. Tommy said that Cheech is in his 60s and he looks worn out from being with this chick.
Howard asked Tommy if he gets jealous of Cheech when he sees that going on. Tommy said that he does get curious but not jealous.
Howard asked Tommy about going to nudist camps and how he goes without getting a boner. Tommy said that a lot of people are in the water. He said that you can also look at the ugly chicks or look at guys to keep your boner down.
Howard asked if Tommy got upset that guys were looking at his beautiful wife. Tommy said that he just has to look past that. Howard figured that Tommy must have a big schlong. Tommy said that it used to be big but it's gotten smaller the older he gets. He said that it's probably a lack of use.
Howard read that Tommy used to hang out with Jimi Hendrix and he had a lot of groupies that were underage. Howard asked him if he was banging the young ones. Tommy said he doesn't know and he was probably more involved with the drugs than with the younger girls.
Tommy claims that they discovered the Jackson 5. He said that Diana Ross discovered them first and then they discovered the Jackson's out in Chicago when they opened for them. He said that he's known Michael ever since he was a kid and he never really got away from that 10 year old mentality. He said he always wanted to be that little kid.
Howard asked Tommy about hanging out with Bob Dylan. Tommy told Howard about how Dylan's wife was part of a tai-chi class and one day Dylan came over to play basketball at his place. He said he doesn't remember if he beat him or not but he thinks that he did. He said that he does remember dumping him on his butt when he tried to get past him. He said he sat naked in a steam room with him that day too. Howard said that must have been weird. Tommy said that it was pretty strange.
Howard asked Tommy who the greatest comedian who influenced him. Tommy said that Redd Foxx was the best. He said he saw him one time and he did 2 hours of material.
Tommy talked about Richard Pryor and how great he could be. He said that he would make people laugh and laugh. He also said that George Carlin was good but he was more of a word smith. He thinks that Carlin got very bitter toward the end from what he was hearing. Tommy said that he heard that Carlin was attacking homeless people and not just the usual people he'd attack.
Howard said that Tommy just seems to deal with everything in life even though he's been to jail. Tommy said that he found the secret and Howard must know what it is. Howard said it has to be good weed or pussy. Tommy said that it's a power that drives every one of us. He said that only a few know how to access that power. He said that Tiger Woods is one of them. Howard asked if it's ''the force'' or something like that. Tommy said he could call it that if he wants.
Tommy said that some people like Tiger Woods do little meditations where you see it click in and then he just goes and hits the most incredible shot. He said that he has learned to access that power himself and that's his secret to dealing with life.
Tommy said that Cheech and Chong is going to be the biggest comedy team in history. He said that they still have a lot of stuff in them.
Howard gave Tommy a plug for his book ''Cheech & Chong: The Unauthorized Autobiography'' and said that he will be signing copies today at Noon at the Borders on Wall Street. He's going to be doing a couple of other appearances in the New York/New Jersey area today and tomorrow. You can find more dates at CheechAndChong.com
Howard read that Tommy used to smoke weed with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Tommy said that he just recently ran into him at a Starbucks and Arnold recognized him. He said that all Arnold said to him was ''Tommy! We both had a dream...''
Howard asked Tommy what the saddest moment in his life was. Tommy said it was when he realized that he and Cheech had broken up as a team. He said that Cheech did another movie called ''Born in East L.A.'' and that's when they break up happened. Tommy said that he felt betrayed after that. He said that if they had stayed together back then they wouldn't be together now. Tommy said that it's nice that they can get back together now.
Tommy said that he was a movie director back then but once Cheech left, he had no career. Howard said that Cheech will probably dump Tommy again once they get huge again. Tommy said that will probably happen.
Howard gave Cheech some more plugs and started to wrap up but Richard wanted to come in and say a few words to Tommy. Richard said that Mr. Chong was one of his greatest comedy influences. He said that he's been hooked ever since he was about 8 years old and he's a huge fan. Richard said that he doesn't even smoke weed but he's a huge fan. Howard told Tommy that Richard was a drummer in a couple of bands and he was pretty well known himself. He was in Death and Iced Earth.
Howard said that Tommy is a great guy and he seems to have found his inner chi... or inner Cheech. Richard asked him if they're going to make a new movie. Tommy said that they are talking about doing a series of movies after a concert movie. He said that they're already talking about that stuff.
Howard said that he should call Cheech and tell him he's got a movie for him and that he has to dump Tommy. Richard said that they had a replay of a show on last week when Tommy called in when he was trying to find a new Cheech and they had Crackhead Bob on.
Howard said that he loved the Channel 9 show he did with Cheech and Chong when they played Mary and Baby Jesus. He said that they got so many complaints over there that they didn't air it until the summer when they had shot it to air around Christmas. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later. Fred played an Ask the Retards bit with Wendy and Gary the Retards arguing about diarrhea as they went to break.
Howard said he read that the currency in this country has the most cocaine on it than any other country. Artie said he believes that. Artie said that he read that you can get hepatitis C from sharing bills that other people have used to snort coke. Artie said that he got wise and got his own straw to do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to know why he isn't a tough guy after growing up in the area he grew up in. Howard said that he is mentally tough but maybe not physically tough. He said he did talk his way out of a bunch of situations. Then he just blurted out that he is a big pussy and he doesn't even believe that.
Howard said that he lost a bunch of fights when he was growing up because the other kids were so much tougher. He said that he did try taking Judo once but his feet were dirty. He also figured that he couldn't do what the other kids were doing in the class so he left.
Howard said that a lot of these kids on the street have been fighting all their lives so they know how to do it. He said that they're raised like chickens for cock fighting. He said that a street fight is something that happens fast and there are no rules. He said there are some kids who seemed to have a natural ability and that's because they've been fighting since they were infants.
Howard said he knew a kid that was named Zany and you have to fear someone like that. He said that he was a hall monitor at one time and he tried to get Zany to go to class but that was just an insane thing to do. That kid didn't listen to his own parents, he wasn't going to listen to him.
Artie said that he knew a kid that was named Keith Peace and he told him that he should name his kid Warren and the kid thought he was pretty funny. He said he got on his good side which was smart because the kid would kick locks off of lockers as he walked down the halls.
A caller said that he used to get chased around his neighborhood all the time because he was one of just 5 white families in the school.
Howard said that he knew a kid by the name of Irvin who made his life a nightmare. He said that the kid looked like Ike Turner when he was still in high school. He said that the kid would steal his lunch money every day. He said that things got so bad that it just became fatiguing. He said that he eventually went to his mother and complained. She would never ask him how he was doing in school and seemed oblivious to what was really going on in that neighborhood.
Howard said that they called this kid Irvin into the Dean of Boys after his mother complained. He said that Irvin got out and tried to find out who the snitch was. Howard knew that he couldn't snitch himself if he wanted to live. He said Irvin knew it could only be one of two people who turned him in. He said that Irvin went to this other kid first and tried to find out if it was him. He beat this kid Jose but Jose insisted it wasn't him. Howard said that Irvin got a hold of him and started choking him. He said he was about to pass out. He said that this kid was just a hoodlum. He said he tried to fight back but the other kids were just watching and laughing. He said that the teacher would do nothing about it.
Howard said that Irvin told him to just tell him if it was him who told. Howard said he thought about it and claimed he didn't do it. Irvin believed that he didn't turn him in and let him go. Howard said that guy has to be in jail. He hopes that he's not listening today because now he'll know that it was him who turned him in.
Howard said that he wonders about any parent who would keep their kid in a school like that. He said he hopes that Jose's family got out of that neighborhood at some point. He said he would just nuke Roosevelt, Long Island if he were President.
Howard said that the caller is being very negative and he has to get out of this conversation. Robin said she thinks that it will work. The guy went off on Robin about some comments that she made about Matt Lauer this morning. He was so upset about it that he hung up on her.
Howard said they had a really wild hail storm yesterday there in the city. He said they had an inch of ice on the ground at one point after the hail.
Howard played a clip from a news report that he played before they went on vacation where a guy being interviewed about the earthquake out in California mentioned ''Fred Norris'' in the report. The same guy mentioned Sal's name during the next day's news reports. He did the same thing with Sal's name that he did with Fred's where he claims that he's one of his friends who was with him at the time of the quake. Howard said that these guys think very fast to get those names out there.
At first Sal says that Dominic is a nice guy but then he calls him arrogant and elitist. Sal was going on talking about Dominic being a bloated, pompous attorney that gets to hang out with Howard. Sal claims that he's not annoyed by that stuff anymore but he does find it odd.
Howard said that Sal is a weirdo and he wouldn't hang out with him. He said that he does a great job there but he has no desire to hang out with him. Howard said that he's a very creepy guy.
Sal came in and said that he got an invitation to Howard and Beth's wedding and he thinks that he's being set up. Howard asked Sal to turn it down. Sal said that he would do what makes him happy. Howard asked him to turn it down then. Sal said there's no way he's going to do that.
Howard said that he doesn't look to hang out with people who are just funny. Sal said that he thinks that Howard likes to hang out with low key people. Howard said that Sal had a fantasy about hanging out with him in bed watching Survivor. Sal said that he was just stuck in the city and wanted to stay the night there. Howard said that wouldn't be fun for him to let him stay there.
Howard said that he left it up to Beth about inviting Sal to the wedding. He said he told her that he would do whatever she wanted and she was okay with having him there. Sal said he's glad that she finally came to her senses but then said that was just a joke. Howard said that he's nervous about inviting Sal because he doesn't know what he's going to do.
Dominic said that there are some of them who are now thinking of not going now that Sal is invited. Dominic said that he doesn't get Sal's anger toward him. He said that he's helped him out with some stuff. Sal said that they did talk about ''real estate'' like he was trying to hide that he spoke to him about divorce stuff.
Sal said that Dominic puts people beneath him and that's the air he has about him. He said that he has an arrogance about him. Howard asked him when he even sees him. Sal said that he can't say when he saw him.
Howard said that Sal has a problem with him being friends with Ross Zapin too. Sal said that he gets Ross now but in the past it was a different story.
Sal said he didn't like Ralph in the past either but now that he knows him, he likes him. Howard said he doesn't get why Sal would have anything against these people because he barely knows them. Sal said that he was posed a question and he gave his opinion on the Wrap Up Show.
Howard said he wants to have Sal rolled in like Hannibal Lechter at the wedding. Howard asked Sal what it was like when he got the invitation. Sal said it was odd because his wife hid it on him. She was going to get together with Richard to set him up to do something humiliating to go to the wedding and then she was going to whip it out and show him that she had it the whole time.
Howard said that it's weird that Sal's wife hates him so much that she would do something like that. He asked Sal how long she kept it from him. Sal said that he had some friends over and he was telling them that he wasn't going and his wife felt so bad that she pulled the invitation out. Howard said that it's Sal's mail so maybe she shouldn't be hiding it and goofing on him.
Dominic asked Sal if he dreams about Howard. Sal said he doesn't but Howard said he has admitted to it before and he knows he does. Howard kicked him out of there a short time later so he could get to the Wack Pack Waxing.
Howard said that Fred got very mad at Doug Goodstein after he said that he smelled bad at the Wack Pack Bowling thing. Elephant Boy said that he was under hot lights for a long time and it was very hot there. Howard said he saw Fred in the show and he saw him throw two balls and that's what made him smell?
Artie said that if you wash on a regular basis, you won't smell after sweating just a little bit. Howard said that when Fred walked in he did smell something. Artie said that he smelled something too. Howard told Elephant Boy to stay out of the light. Elephant Boy said that he did wash this morning and brushed his teeth and all of that.
Howard said he can't believe that he's known him as long as he has. He asked him if he's still going out with that girl he was dating. Elephant Boy said he doesn't know and that she's in jail right now. He said that she got caught with Oxycontin and stuff like that and got into some trouble. Elephant Boy said that she started in jail at the beginning of the year and she has to go in for 14 months.
Elephant Boy said that she had carpel tunnel in both wrists and some back problems too. Fred said that she lost her job and her house because of all of this. Fred said that he will be there for her when she gets out but he knows she needs treatment.
Elephant Boy said that he wrote a letter to her back on the fourth of July and didn't hear back from her. He said that he found out the letter was returned to him and she never got it. He sent her another one and he hopes that she answers him. Elephant Boy said he hopes that she's okay there because it's mostly blacks there and she hates blacks, except for Robin.
Howard asked Elephant Boy why he was doing this today. Elephant Boy said that he's seen it done by Richard before and he knows what to expect. He said that he would like more money and this is one way to get it.
Howard said that it's time for Wack Pack Waxing and also mentioned that he's part of Wack Pack Bowling on Howard TV as well.
Howard asked Gary to bring in the questions so they could get this going. The questions are about wrestling since they wanted to give him a fair chance at winning. Fred knows a lot about wrestling. Gary said he thought they were going to break first so Howard went to break as short time later.
Cleo said that they have people get on all fours to do the hair removal. Howard asked Cleo if she likes when men with big penises come in. She said that she does like that and she has to hold them to move them out of the way sometimes. Howard asked if they get aroused. She said that they do sometimes but she doesn't say anything to them and she doesn't help them make them go away.
Howard asked Cleo if any men have ever had an accident. She said that one man did but she didn't say anything to him. She said that they clean up the sheets and all of that after they have their hair removal done.
Howard asked why there is so much hair in the human ass. Cleo said she doesn't know. She said there are rules there though and people are not allowed to fart because the laser could set them on fire.
Cleo said that she is married and her husband doesn't get jealous of this stuff. Howard asked if she would have another woman in the room with her. She didn't answer and just stayed quiet. Howard moved on to the game after that.
Howard said that Elephant Boy was going to play this game now. He checked with Cleo to make sure that she was okay with waxing Fred the Elephant Boy. This game was being sponsored by Howard TV's Wack Pack Bowling. Howard said that Fred did something wild in episode 2 and threw himself down the alley trying to knock down the pins with his head. They showed a clip of that scene and Howard told him that he would have gotten his head chopped off if he had slid just a little more.
Howard told Fred what the rules were and how much money he could win if he gets all of the questions right. He gave him the first question which was ''name the wrestler who smacked John Stossel in 1984 leaving him partially deaf.'' Fred said that it was Dr. David Shultz and got it right.
Howard asked Fred the next one which was ''When Ric Flair made history and jumped to the WWF in 1991, who was his manager?'' Fred said it was Bobby ''the Brain'' Heenan. He got that one right too. Howard said he wanted to see some waxing here.
Next question was ''Former wrestler Brock Lessner left the company and started a new company. Who did he defeat in his first fight?'' Fred didn't know so he knew he was about to get waxed. Howard told him the answer was Minsu Kim.
Fred had to get ready for his waxing so Howard asked Cleo what she wanted him to do. Fred just stripped right down as Fred (Norris) played the Hindenberg disaster audio.
Elephant Boy's penis was pretty small according to Howard and Cleo. Elephant Boy said that he is below average and he's always said that.
Howard asked Cleo what she was going to do first. She said she had to clean up the area a little bit to get rid of the oil. Howard asked Fred when he last ejaculated. He said it was weeks ago. Cleo had him on his back like a baby with his legs up in the air. Cleo wanted to get in there to get the hair off his taint. She sprayed some cleanser on the area before she went in there. She said she didn't smell anything back there. Cleo wiped his ass and Artie figured it was the first time it had ever been wiped. Howard asked if there was any brown coming off. She said there wasn't any. Then Cleo said that it does smell back there. She said it smelled like ass, not like shit. Artie asked what the difference was. She said that ass smells kind of moldy while shit smells like shit.
Cleo put the wax on Elephant Boy's ass and said that she was going to do a big one since it was just one shot. Howard asked her to warn him before she does it. Then she ripped the hair right out. Fred let out a ''ouch'' but it wasn't all that bad. He said that he was fine and didn't seem to be in any pain.
Howard got back to the questions and asked Fred ''Regis Philbin had his nose broken during an interview with what wrestler?'' Fred said he didn't know but threw out Stone Cold Steve Austin and got it right. He lucked out with that.
The next question was ''Who was the first WWF champion?'' Fred didn't know at first but threw out the name Buddy Rogers and got it right. Howard had one more for him and asked ''Who was the manager of the Road Warriors?'' Fred said Paul something (Paul Ellering) but he was kind of mumbling. He got it right though so he was maxed out at $2,500. Howard told Fred that he owed Cleo $2,700 for the waxing though.
Howard gave Howard TV some more plugs since they sponsored the contest. He gave Cleo some plugs and said he was hoping to see more waxing. Sal came in a short time later and asked if Fred would do another question for $6. Then Artie threw in $20 and some other people threw in money until it was up to $101. Fred said that he would do it so Sal asked ''What is Brutus the Barber Beeefcake's real name?'' Fred knew it, Ed Leslie, and won another $101.
Gary said that he had two more $250 questions for Fred if he wanted to play for more. Fred was up for it so Howard asked him some more questions. He asked ''In what year did Andre the Giant make his WWF debut?'' Fred guessed 1975. He was off by 2 years, it was 1973. Fred got waxed again and this time it was right on his asshole. Artie asked him what was more embarrassing, knowing that much about wrestling or laying in that position he was in? Fred just laughed.
Cleo put the wax on Fred's ''anus, anus'' rubbed on the paper and then ripped the hair out. This time Fred yelled out in pain.
Howard asked Elephant Boy another question which was ''In Wrestlemania 2 who did Roddy Piper face?'' Fred guessed it was Mr. T and got it right. He was up another $250. Howard asked Fred one more question which was ''What was the name of the Pay Per View event when Owen Hart fell to his death?'' Fred thought about it for a moment and said that it was ''Unforgiven'' and got it wrong. It was ''Over the Edge.''
Fred had to get one more waxing so Cleo prepared him for the next spot. She put the wax on the other side of his anus. Richie Wilson told her to slobber it on good over there. Fred told him to shut up. Cleo slathered on a bunch of wax and said that it was going to be tricky to pull it out because of the way the hair grows there. She ripped the hair out and Fred screamed in pain again. She had to go back a couple of times to get it all off and he screamed each time.
Howard said he had one more question for Fred before they were out of money. He asked ''Chris Canyon's name when he wrestled under a mask was what?'' Fred said that he knew this one but it wasn't coming to him. He said it was ''Mortis'' and got it right. Fred was up to $3,101 in winnings. Fred thanked them for that. Fred showed off his clean asshole after that. Even Fred was shocked at what he was seeing. Cleo put a little cream on him back there. Howard told him to take a picture of that and send it to Clear Channel for him.
Howard gave everyone some more plugs, wrapped up with them and thanked everyone. He asked Elephant Boy what he's going to do with his money. He said he has to pay some traffic tickets and stuff like that so that's what he'll be spending his money on. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he was watching the Olympics last night and they had Women's Volleyball on. He said that the U.S. chicks were dressed like they were at the beach and they were in bikinis. He said that the blonde has a butterface but looks okay with the sunglasses on. He said she's got a great body though. The brunette has a kind of chubby body according to Howard.
Howard said that the Cuban chicks looked black to him. Gary said that they had an intern there who looked black and it turns out he was Dominican. Artie wondered if black is a color or a race. Howard said that you can be black and from a different country.
Howard said that the Chinese are so concerned with their image that they're doing all kinds of stuff that's so communistic looking. He said that he read that a 7 year old Chinese girl was selected to sing at the Olympics but she wasn't good looking enough so they brought in another little girl who lip synced the song ''Ode to the Mother Land.'' He said that's how important the whole thing is to those people. He said that they changed the whole city just for the Olympics and they try to portray themselves as being perfect.
Howard said that they make themselves look like assholes when they do this stuff. He read that some guy was saying that the public would approve of the change and that it was in their best interest to change the girl who was on camera singing.
Howard said that it shows how screwy they are over there when they change this little girl just because her teeth were crooked. They're trying to look perfect but it's not working.
Steve said they also have an interview with the boater who rescued Dominic Barbara from his burning boat. The boater claims he got to see Dominic's privates when they came out of his underwear. Howard said that he'd like to know why Dominic was in his underwear.
Steve said that Gary is going to be on a new game show. They also have a story about High Pitch Mike being very upset about not being invited to Howard's wedding. Mike wrote a note saying that the contest was only supposed to be open to the people who work there. Howard said if he's going to hold him to that then he'll have to invite him. He said the was actually doing that as a goof. He asked for him to give him a break. Artie welcomed him to his world of battling High Pitch Mike.
Artie said that if Mike goes he's going to have to rewrite his toast to Howard. Howard told him to leave Mike out of that. Artie was laughing hysterically thinking about how that's going to go.
Steve wrapped up and Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon quickly ran down the stuff they were going to cover today.
Howard asked Jon if he invited him to the wedding. Jon said he had. Howard said he knows he probably upset a lot of people by not inviting them. Howard said he wanted to invite a lot of people but he had to cut people off at some point.
Howard thanked artist Ralph Prata for sending him some art for his wedding. He said it was very nice and gave him a shout out and a thanks for sending it to him. Robin read more about the Olympics and that got Howard and Artie doing their Chinese impressions. Howard said that they sounded more like Mexican than Chinese. Artie said that they would eventually sound like Kennedy's like the rest of their impressions end up sounding like. Fred threw in an ''Er-uh'' after that.
Robin read a story about Hayden Panitierre's father getting arrested for allegedly hitting his wife. Robin read some news about Mark David Chapman trying to get out on parole. Howard threw in plugs for Jackie and Riley's shows that are on at 7 and 12 tonight.
Robin read a story about a study that found that being obese doesn't necessarily mean you have more of a chance of a heart attack. Robin said that being obese isn't a good thing though and this report isn't going to help anyone out. They spent a couple of minutes talking about the college that did the study, Albert Einstein, and goofed around with that for a short time.
Howard asked Artie how he's doing with his sobriety. He said he's loving it but then said that he thinks about doing heroin every minute. That led to Artie talking about some of the stuff he has to do today including his 2 hour therapy session.
Robin read a story about Robert Chambers, the Preppie Killer, going back to prison for 19 years after a drug charge. Artie said he's all for that guy going to prison for the rest of his life but some of these drug charges are crazy.
Artie said that he was at a restaurant out in L.A. when they caught the sniper out in Baltimore. He said that he was next to a table next to some hot chicks and they all went ''Wow! He's cute'' when they saw him on TV. That's all they saw when they were watching the report.
Robin read some news about Russia invading Georgia and how the President has said some harsh words to them. Robin said that Russia has decided to pull out of Georgia to force them to peace. Robin had Howard playing some audio of Barack Obama commenting on that situation. That led to Howard playing a bit that Sal made where he does his black voice and pretends that he's Obama congratulating them on the merger. Howard almost didn't play it but then he said he had to hear what Sal did because he knew it was going to be racist. He was right.
Robin had some news about the Special Olympics being upset with the movie ''Tropic Thunder'' because they pick on disabled people. Howard heard the part they were talking about and said that was the funniest scene in the movie. Howard said that retarded people don't even know they're being goofed on if you don't tell them about it. Now they're talking about getting rid of the word retarded. Robin had some audio clips of the actors talking about the scene and defending it. Howard said it would be great if Ben Stiller came out and just said he hates retarded people and that's why they did the scene.
Robin read a story about a woman who claims that steroids turned her into a man. She had some news about a family that was hacked to death on their boat near Guatemala. She told Howard he might be smart staying home the way he does.
Robin read a story about James Cameron who hasn't made a big movie since 1996. She said that he's been working on a new movie for 2 and a half years already and it won't be out until 2009. She said that the movie is going to be in 3D and they had to create the technology themselves.
Robin read a story about Luke Wilson's latest movie, the new Star Wars Clone Wars movie and more. That led to Howard goofing on the director of the movie after hearing a clip of him talking. He started to do his Gammorrean Guard impression. He was also talking about how bad this new movie looks. He said it's just a cartoon and it can't possibly be good.
Robin read a story about ''extreme gamers'' who are playing more than 45 hours per week. She spent a minute on that and had Howard play some audio of James Franco talking about ''Pineapple Express.'' Howard cut it off and said he had heard enough about that movie, he enjoyed it and that was enough. Robin wrapped up a short time later so they ended the show around 10:35am.
Jon had the guys talk about the Wack Pack Waxing segment from today. Gary said that all he could think of was the porn movie that Elephant Boy was in years ago when he saw him in that position. Gary said that he liked Cleo's description of the smell of ass and shit.
Gary said that he knew that Elephant Boy was older than him but he didn't know he was going to be 50 this year. He said that he's been with the show longer than just about anyone.
Benjy asked if they know what's up with the speech impediment. Gary said he thinks it's a hole in his mouth that could be fixed but it would cost him a lot of money. He said that Fred has a brother that speaks in the same way but not quite as pronounced.
Jon said that they had some good question that they got from a wrestling web site. He thanked them for sending over that stuff. Jon played a clip from the segment where Fred was getting some hair ripped out of his ''anus, anus.''
Gary said that he understands Fred pretty well so he had a long conversation with him in the green room. He said he understood almost everything he said. Then he had to go in and interpret for Fred when he was talking to Cleo because she didn't get any of what he was saying.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why they go to the Wack Packers to give away money. Gary said that they don't always do that but they do have them in often because the fans like to hear them doing stuff on the show. The caller said that they could have given that cash away to a lot of listeners instead of just one guy. Gary said that they also have to work with the clients and they have to do what they want to do. He said that Fred isn't going to come in and do that for nothing, he needs the chance to win some money.
Jon told the caller he can go to try and win a Sony computer at SIRIUS.com/HowardStern. Gary told the guy that they do give listeners a chance to win money pretty often too.
Another caller complained about Artie going off on Pittsburgh Pete for being a weed head but then coming back and saying that he's a heroin addict. The caller said that he's offended by that because he's a weed head himself. The caller said that he's going to go get Tommy Chong's book tonight too because he enjoyed that interview today.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he thought the waxing was funny as hell. He also said that he didn't like the guy calling in and trying to get handouts. The guy asked Gary if he was ever going to come back to Al's Cabaret. Gary said he might be back there some time because they remodeled and he saw that Kendra Jade was coming out of retirement to dance there.
Gary said that he loves when Fred the Elephant Boy leaves a voice mail because he tells him who he is when there's no mistaking who he is. Gary said that High Pitch is the same way.
Another caller asked Gary if he thinks that Howard and Beth are going to get sick of each other if they stop doing the radio show in 2 and a half years. Gary said that they already spend a lot of time together so things probably won't change. He said that Howard will probably keep working, but maybe not in radio.
The caller also asked if Gary thinks that he'll renew when his contract is up. Gary said that he can't tell from what he's heard from Howard. He said that he really has no idea if he's going to renew or not.
A woman called in and said that the show wouldn't be what it was without Artie. She said that she likes him on the show and they're all like little pieces of the puzzle. She was also saying that she got into some trouble with her daughter's school when she picked her up and some people overheard her listening to Howard. She said that she had the principal come over to her and tell her that she can't listen to that obscene stuff there at the school. She said that she went in blasting it the next day.
another caller said that he can't stand Artie anymore. He said he used to like him on the show but not anymore. He said that he talks too much these days. The guy said that he stopped liking him when he went off on Dice Clay a while back. The guy was asking where he can get a ''I Fucked Artie's Sister'' t-shirt. Gary said they don't exist so he can't get any.
Another caller said that he likes Artie on the show and loves seeing him on Howard TV. He said that he thinks it's funny when he chimes in with guests like High Pitch Eric and people like that. Gary said that he has never been annoyed by Artie falling asleep on the show. He said that it's not a factory or something like that so it's just part of the show.
Gary said that he was talking to Craig Gass yesterday and he got yelled at for falling asleep during the show one time. Gary said that it wasn't funny that day but it's funny when Artie does it. Gary said that he thinks that it's feasible when Artie claims that he crashes from the high carbs he eats during the show.
Benjy said that he would never try heroin but he is kind of curious about it when he hears Artie talking about it. He said he makes that high sound amazing. Gary said he doesn't get that out of what he talks about. Jon asked him if he wants to take a nap like Artie or something. Benjy said he's just curious.
A caller said that he thinks Tommy was referring to ''The Secret'' book when he was talking about that power. Gary said that wasn't exactly what he was talking about but maybe it was something similar. They spent a minute talking about that and then took some more calls.
A caller said that he thought that Tommy was talking about ''The Secret'' too and he read that book and got something out of it. He said that after he read the book he felt peaceful. Gary said that he has to look into it more.
Ralph called in and said that ''The Secret'' is something very simple from what he's seen and you just have to think positive and positive things will come to you. He said that it's easy to say to do it but it's not as easy to actually make it happen. He said that it's not a religious thing at all and it's just a way of trying to make your life better.
Ralph said that John was asking Robin about how to do it. Ralph said that he's not going to give out his secrets because he should put them in a book himself.
Gary said that part of the creepiness is how much Sal wants that friendship to happen. Ralph said that Sal has no governor to keep him from saying the stuff he does. Ralph said that Sal wonders why he hasn't been invited to Howard's house on Long Island. He said he's going to get 2 more wedding invitations before he gets he invite to the house.
Gary said the thing that Howard likes about Sal is his inability to censor himself on the air and that's the same thing that creeps him out. Ralph agreed with him on that. It works on the air but not off the air for Sal. Jon let Ralph go after that and went to break a short time later.
Jon went to the phones and one guy was saying that Tommy was good and so was Seth Rogen on yesterday's show. The guy went on to say that Sal is out of his mind thinking that he should be Howard's friend. He said he should just be happy he's on the show.
Jon said that Sal worships Howard and he can't see a reason why they wouldn't be friends. JD said that what's going on in the meeting is about as much face time that Sal gets with Howard. He said that he thinks that means that they're friends because they get that face time in there.
Jon asked JD if he thinks Sal envisions that hanging out with Howard thing all the time. JD said he thinks that is what he thinks about all the time and it's his way of getting away from the family. Jon said that Howard sees something different there and he thinks it's going to stay that way.
Jon told JD that he had a good analysis of the situation but JD thought he was goofing on him. Shuli came in and said that he heard the analysis and figured that it was a good day to come on the show to help.
Shuli said he got the invite from Howard one time and he had to make sure he hid it from everyone to make sure that they didn't see it just in case they weren't invited. He said that he doesn't get what Sal's wife was doing by hiding that invitation from Sal though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sal isn't a real person and maybe he could get in better with Howard if he was trying to help Howard out instead of trying to ''be'' Howard. He said that he doesn't have that kind of personality though. The guy said that Sal has a 5 year old mentality and he knows that he's going to come back from the wedding and make a bit out of it.
The guys talked about Richard's new hair cut after that. They said that they've been goofing on him calling him Telly Savalas and Mr. Clean among other things.
Jon went through some more phone calls and had one guy talking about how he hates Artie. He said that Artie talks about shit that no one cares about and Gary keeps defending him. He said that it's just too much and he should shut up and just retire. Jon said that there are some fans out there who do like him though.
Shuli said that Artie doesn't tell the same stories all the time and it's also very hard to fill up a 5 hour radio show every day. He said that Artie is a great story teller and he's probably had more things happen to him in his life than most other people.
A woman called in and said that she had a question about David Height, who is in charge of the tapes from K-Rock. She asked if he was in the band Faren Height back in the 80s. Shuli said he hopes so. He also said that it was time to drop the confetti because they finally got a David Height call. Jon said that they'd look into that for her. A short time later he found out that he's not the same guy.
A caller said that he got an overdose of Sal last week during the replays. He said that it was just way too much Sal. He said that he really hates Sal but Richard is okay with him. The caller said that Ralph would be next in line on that list.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Sal is funny as hell but he wondered if he's putting on an act or not. The guys said that they don't think that it's an act at all. That led to Jon asking the guys if they think that Sal is the dumbest guy on the staff. Shuli and JD were thinking but didn't have answers. JD said that he was going to plead the 5th.
Another caller said that he loves Artie and said some nice words about him. Another guy asked if they had seen Artie taking in any huge sugar stuff when he was back on heroin. The guys said that he was always eating a lot of sugar even when he wasn't on it. The caller said that when you're on heroin you really crave sweets a lot. The caller was also saying that Sal isn't funny and his stand-up really isn't that funny. Shuli said that there are a lot of people who would disagree with him on that.
Cyrus called in and said that he doesn't think Sal is stupid, he just believes in what he believes in and argues with people who don't agree with him. He's very stubborn. JD said that he's stupid because he doesn't know history.
Jon asked the guys if they think that Robin is a sidekick or a news person or what. He also asked about what they think Artie is. Shuli said that Robin is a co-host and Artie is a sidekick. JD said that both Artie and Fred are sidekicks. He said that there are some people who are more important sidekicks than others. He said that Benjy wouldn't be considered one. Neither would Sal or Richard. JD said that Gary might be considered one. JD said that he's not one either and he's just the ''TV watcher guy.''
Jon asked JD if he ever got into fights when he was in school like Howard did. JD said that he got picked on all the time. Shuli said he didn't get picked on too much because he had some black friends who protected him.
Teddy said that he was a bit of a bully himself. He said he wasn't really a bully but he did pretend that he was going to hit the smaller kids just so they'd flinch.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that anyone who doesn't get Artie's humor is deaf. She also asked where Wendy the Retard was last week during the Sirius So Far special. She wanted to hear Wendy locked in a room for 24 hours. Teddy said that was the greatest job ever when they did that. He said he really liked doing that. Shuli said he had fun doing that too.
A caller told Teddy to try that fake punch move with Artie the next time he goes after him. Teddy said that he's smartened up since high school. The caller said that he thinks that Sal is smarter than he comes off on the show and he may be doing the stuff he does just to get on the show.
Shuli said that he doesn't think that's the case with Sal. He said that Sal was bugging out yesterday after the show because Gary brought something up that he wanted to talk about but he didn't want to spoil it. Sal had no idea what it was that he had on him and was freaking out.
Ralph called in and said that he had a great time hanging out with Wendy the Retard playing the drums and video games all night with her. He said that she's really low maintenance and she even drew some little pictures for him. Teddy said that they had a good time doing that whole thing.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they feel deceived by Artie after he lied to them about his addiction. Ralph said that Artie is just a big liar and they can't trust anything he says. Jon said that Benjy made a comment yesterday about how that wasn't the first time he's told a story like that so that's why it wasn't all that surprising. The guys spent another minute talking about Artie falling asleep on the show and how dopey they must be for believing it was just from the food he was eating. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how Benjy came to him asking for a private meeting with him. He said he's trying to get around that. He said he knows that Benjy is looking for more money but he's not sure what to do about it. Benjy said that Howard was the one who suggested the meeting, he didn't. Howard said he must have been insane to have suggested that.
Benjy said that Howard asked him if there was something he wanted to talk about and that's how the whole thing came up. Howard said that they don't have to meet them. Benjy said that he's serious and he has something really big to tell him. Howard said that he's never called Benjy in his life but he has gotten e-mail from him before that led to him calling him.
Benjy said that he just realized something that's really huge and he realized it after seeing the person on TV. He said that he wants to tell just Howard and no one else though. Howard said that he's trying to avoid calling Benjy outside of the show.
Gary said that he walked into the meeting when Howard and Benjy were talking about having the meeting and it was really embarrassing. He said that Howard asked him how this happened and why he wasn't handling it.
Howard told Gary that he's supposed to keep him out of the Benjy loop. He said that he called Benjy to talk to him about this person that he fucked and he was revolted just thinking about this person fucking him. Benjy said that he hasn't fucked that mystery person again since that one time. He said that she doesn't even know that he knows who she is at this point.
The guys talked to Benjy about his mystery age and how they think he's in his mid-40s even though he doesn't admit to what it really is. Howard said that Benjy wants to be perceived as being young since he's a comedy writer but that just doesn't fly anymore. He said that he doesn't see Saturday Night Live grabbing him at this point. He said that could happen some day though so maybe he should keep his hopes up. Artie said that could happen, he's not too old.
Howard asked Benjy if he's afraid he's going to find out he's 50 and not relevant anymore. Benjy said he believes that there are people who will hire based on age so that's why he keeps it quiet.
Gary said that he got a note from someone who said that he knows Benjy's age and he gave it to Steve Langford. Langford thought that Benjy was the one who sent it in so he didn't bother looking into it. The letter said that he was 37.
Howard said that it was very cold in the studio but Benjy was sweating. Artie had asked him to write down the name of the person that he fucked and asked him not to sweat on it. Artie got the letter and laughed his ass off when he read the name. They weren't revealing the name of that person though.
Robin said there was a person who said that they hoped that Benjy didn't blurt out the web site where he goes to meet these people because it's such a great place to meet them.
Benjy said that he's had girls walk away from him when they meet him through this web site. He said that it's usually ugly girls who walk away too, not even the good looking girls. Howard said that he thinks that the good looking girls like that he's kind of freaky looking and that's why they'd go out with him.
Howard said that Shanghai Kate is an older woman and he likes her very much. He said that she's heavily tattooed herself.
Howard said that Beth got an ''H'' tattoo on her wrist too and he felt kind of weird about that. He said that she must really love him if she was willing to do that. Artie said he thought about getting an H too but it would stand for heroin.
Howard said that it's quite an honor when a girl is willing to do something like that for you. He said that they had a good time getting them done. He said that Kate was disowned when she became a tattoo artist because they didn't like that line of work.
Howard said that they didn't like tattoos and that's why they bailed out on her. He said that she doesn't paint or anything and only does tattoos. Skin is her medium for doing her art. Howard said that she's way into what she's doing. He said that she doesn't use ink from anyone else's tattoos so she calmed him down with that news.
Howard said he will turn his B into a D if he gets divorced. He said he found the tattooing to be more annoying than he expected it to be. He said it only took like 5 minutes to get it done once it was drawn up though. He said that he's had other tattoos done and they take maybe an hour to get them done. Artie said some people get whole comic books done on them and it takes forever.
Howard said that Richie Wilson sits in on their weekly meetings and he stares at his arm the whole time. Robin said that Richie has some really bad tattoos on him. Richie came in and said that he's got a great tattoo artist by the name of Miss Joe.
Howard asked Richie what he has on his arm. Richie said it's all 50's inspired stuff. Howard told him he's gone too far but Richie doesn't think that's the case. He said that he does have one on his leg though. Howard told him that he's looking like Cabbie these days. Richie said he's got one sleeve of tattoos on his arm.
Howard talked about the tattoo parlor that he went to and how nice the place was. He said they have a whole cafe in there and stuff like that. There was one guy there who had his face tattooed. Artie said that when you go that far you're not ''normal'' anymore. Howard said that you're pretty much stuck working at a tattoo parlor the rest of your life if you do that. Howard said the guy was a really nice guy.
Artie said that Mike Tyson's face tattoo is really scary but it's very well done. He said that a really good artist must have done his. Howard said that you should do this stuff in moderation.
Howard said that he really is committed now that he's gone through with the tattoo. Robin asked how his mother likes them. Howard said that she probably doesn't like them but she's never said anything to him about them.
Howard said that his mother loves Beth and they have a great relationship. He said that his mother won't talk to him about the tattoos but she did once tell him not to get an earring because that was ''her ear.'' He said he had to tell her that it's not her ear, it's his.
Artie said that he wanted to get a tattoo one time but he figured his mother would get upset with him and he didn't do it. Then the next year his mother and sister both got tattoos. Robin said she saw that tattoo when she saw his mother out one time.
Howard said that Sam Kinison is like Artie because he was doing blow and stuff but he was afraid of doing some stuff because he was afraid of upsetting his mother. Howard said that Artie is just like that. Artie said that his mother used to come out to his comedy shows but he asked her to stop coming because he didn't want to upset her.
Howard said that he's hoping that Beth doesn't get into tattoos now and start messing herself up. He said he kind of likes her the way she is.
Howard said that Beth's H is in the same script as his B is. He said that it's in brown and he knows why she did that. He said that when he got his first tattoo he got it in brown because he figured it wouldn't be that noticeable. He said that hers is very noticeable and so was his first one.
Bobo called in and asked what it was, other than her having a good heart, that changed Beth's mind about Sal coming to the wedding. Howard said that it was the good heart that made her change her mind. She felt bad about him being left out so she figured they should invite him. Howard said that Sal is just dumb, that's his only problem.
Howard read an article from The Onion where they talk about a dumb guy planning on posting a video on the web with some really dumb comments under it. He thought that was pretty funny. Howard said that he goes on and reads comments on YouTube and they really are idiotic.
Bobo asked if they're going to have more than one ceremony for the wedding. Howard said he's already said that they are.
Howard said that he has at least one person there who he would fire but he can't bring himself to do it. He figured that everyone there was thinking it was them. Bobo asked if the scene in Private Parts was true and he got sick when he had to fire someone. Howard said that he did have to fire a guy and he really hated doing it. He said that the guy had stolen something from someone's purse and he had to fire him.
Gary said that Sal walked into his office and asked if Howard was referring to him. Gary said he had to tell Sal that he doesn't know. Howard said that there is this one person there that he would fire but he just can't do it so they don't have to worry.
Artie said that it would be great for Howard to pick an employee of the month there and see what happens with everyone else there. Howard said that he's not sure what Sal and Richard are up to because they haven't been giving him too many prank calls lately.
Richard came in and said that he gave Howard a call to play and he hasn't played it yet so they're holding back with other calls so he'll play this one first. Howard said that he'll decide when to play it and wants Richard to just give him what they've got.
Richard said that they've been working hard doing more calls and they're trying not to overload him. Richard said that he heard that Howard loved the call but he doesn't know why he hasn't played it. Howard said that he liked the call and he'll play it now if he'll give him more of their calls.
Richard said that they have a bunch of new calls for Howard but they like to ration stuff out to him. Richard said that they'd rather ration it out so they don't have 7 new things in one day.
Howard said that he's like a squirrel and he likes to pack stuff away so he sees that they've been working hard. He said that he once went into Fred's bag to see what kind of work he was doing and Fred flipped out on him. Fred said that never should have happened. Howard said that he should have been showing him the work that he was doing instead of keeping that stuff locked up in his bag.
Howard told Richard not to wait to turn stuff in from now on. He said that he was going to play this new call that Sal and Richard made that they're calling ''Wake Up Confusion.'' He said they called a guy at 4 in the morning and woke him up. In the call we hear them call the woman, waking her up, and then Sal and Richard pretending that the woman had called them and they were wondering why she had called them. They went back and forth for a minute and then the other person hung up so they called back and did the same thing to her.
Howard said he liked that call. He had another one that they made to Jackie. Howard said that when Jackie was there he would sell anything that he could. He said that he'd put his name on everything and it was just embarrassing. He said he understood some of the stuff that he was doing but not the giant amount of garbage he was selling.
Howard said that they gave Jackie a show there at SIRIUS and now he's on an internet radio show. He said that no one can be listening to that. Howard said that in this show the host was telling Jackie that he should start a service where he has a premium level where people could get stuff that others wouldn't be able to get. Howard said that Jackie went along with the suggestion instead of saying that it's unnecessary. Howard said that if Jackie charged $1,000 for something like that the fans should be able to fuck his wife Nancy.
Artie goofed on Jackie about his Hot Dogs and Donuts CD cover and how goofy he looked in the picture. He said that it's like the direct opposite of a Steve Martin bit with that stuff.
Howard said that Richard called into this internet show that Jackie was on and the equipment wasn't even working there. Howard played the call and we hear that ''lifetime membership'' suggestion that Howard mentioned earlier. Howard said that Jackie should have turned that away but he just came up with more ideas for doing something like that.
Then the host of the show said that there were two people who wanted to call in and talk. They picked up on Richard first. Richard was doing his goofy voice but Jackie wasn't able to say anything because the equipment wasn't working. Jackie got back on and Richard said hello to Jackie again. Richard said that he liked Jackie in ''The Jerk'' as the gas station attendant. That was actually Jackie Mason. Then they tried to hang up on Richard but they weren't able to get him off the phone. Richard asked Jackie if he was going to be doing anymore movies with Steve Martin. They weren't able to get rid of Richard so Richard kept saying hello to Jackie over and over.
Howard said that they want to do this Biggest Loser contest with Jackie, Pete Best and Brian Dunkleman. He said that it's really sad to see people like Kathie Lee Gifford who has nothing going on since she left Regis Philbin's show. He said that it's kind of like what happened to Jackie. He said that he sees Jackie doing these shows and he wonders what kind of career suicide he committed.
Howard said that Jackie would come back to this show in a second if he asked him to. Jackie is always claiming that it was too rough getting up in the mornings though and he had to get out.
Howard said that he was getting to all of Richard's stuff today like he wanted him to. Richard said he was happy about that. He said that there was one more call that they made to Jonah Falcon's Talkin' Yankees show.
Howard said that he was trying to get that Jonah Falcon guy to come in and show his cock to George Takei when they throw George a bachelor party. Jonah has a 14 inch cock so that would be pretty wild for George.
Howard said that Jonah stopped taking phone calls because Sal and Richard were pranking him so much. He just recently started taking calls again.
Howard said that they're going to have a pretty penis contest for the George Takei bachelor party. They're going to play a nude twister game with Richard and Sal. They're also going to let them hid shit in their asses and George will be trying to figure out what's in there.
Gary asked Howard to let the fans know to call 888-9-ASSHOLE if they want to be part of the pretty penis contest.
Howard said they have a lot of stuff planned for Takei's bachelor party. Gary came in and said that they're working on gay wedding songs. They're recording ''When a Man Loves a Man'' and some other stuff. They're going to try and get one of the guys from the Village People to come in and perform. They said that they had to turn down a lot of ideas for the segment like having George put stuff in his ass so they could guess what it was.
Richard said that they were going to have Jonah jump around doing jumping jacks. Howard asked if the call was up. Richard told him where it was so Howard got to that. Jonah took the first call and it was Richard. Then Sal got right through and Jonah hung right up on him. Jonah took another call from a woman who asked how she could talk to Jonah. They kept calling in over and over again with the same thing asking him to put them through to Jonah. He eventually told them to fuck off.
Richard said that they also isolated Elephant Boy getting waxed yesterday. Howard played some of that and said that it was like listening to Korean radio. Richard said it was like Korean porn. Howard said that they're going to play some gay porn for George Takei when he comes in. Richard said that he and JD are finding some good stuff for him to watch.
The Howard TV guys played some of the Elephant Boy waxing stuff and said that will be airing tonight. Richard said that he got his anus waxed and that was the toughest spot to have done. Howard talked about Cleo the waxer and her description of the smell of ass and the ''Anus, Anus'' thing.
Howard said they got some feedback about Tommy Chong and they seemed to like his interview. Howard said that Tim Sabean talked to Tommy about doing a show there with Cheech so that may happen.
Howard said that he got some mail about Evan the Engineer and someone asked if Ronnie would be able to beat him up.
Howard said he talked about the Chinese yesterday and how they swapped out a young girl who didn't have good teeth just so they'd have a good looking girl singing their anthem. He said that they eat dogs over there and that has to be a fucked up society to do something like that. Then he said that the fireworks display was all CGI. He said that they had to do it that way because the smog was so bad over there.
Howard said that the whole country is fucked up over there and you can get thrown in jail for just saying the wrong thing.
Howard said that someone wrote in and told him he was a hypocrite for talking about the Chinese taking that girl out when he had just gotten done talking about the volleyball player who had a butterface. Howard said that they weren't suggesting that they replace that girl though.
Howard said that there was a lot of feedback about Sal. He said that a lot of people were really upset that he invited Sal to his wedding. Howard said that if Sal ruins his wedding then he'll fire him. There were some people who think that Sal is just trying to be his friend and that's why he's making up with Beth. They told Howard to stay away from Sal as much as possible. There were some e-mailers who said that Sal is just a fag and a nut case.
Sal said that Beth is marrying Howard because he's very powerful and talented and he's a nice guy. He said that Howard has created this show and this entity. He said that Howard has created this show and done all of these events through the years that led to him meeting Beth. Sal said that he thinks that subconsciously Howard wants him to do something wacky at the wedding to make for a good show.
Howard told Sal he's fucking insane, mentally ill and has low intelligence. Howard said that he's stupider than Sal for inviting him to the wedding. He said that he will fire him if he does anything at the wedding. Sal said he doesn't want to be blamed for the show going down in popularity if he doesn't do something.
Sal thinks that the show is more important than Beth. Howard said that's not the case and he's not so sure about that.
Howard said that the audience is right and he's an asshole for inviting him to the wedding. He said that Sal is ungrateful and he's acting bizarre. Howard told Sal that he wants him to do him a favor. He asked Sal not to come to the wedding. He said that he's not going to let him in so Sal pulled off his headphones and said he wasn't going to listen to that.
Howard said that Sal had a food fight at Artie's birthday party at a pizza place. Gary said that this wasn't a fake theory either and he wasn't joking about it. He said that Sal told Jon Hein about it yesterday and someone else this morning.
Howard told Sal to fuck off and please not come to the wedding. Sal came back in and tried to explain himself but Howard told him that he doesn't want to talk to him. Howard said that his theory is that he doesn't want him there. Sal said he was being ridiculous. Howard wondered why he's torturing himself with Sal. He said he just wants to have a nice dinner.
Howard told Sal he sucked at Artie's party and he had forgotten about that one. Sal said that he's been great at his other parties. Howard said that he doesn't want to give Sal a talk off the air.
Dominic Barbara called in and said he thinks that there were bad vibes to not invite him and that's why they broke down and invited him. He said that the bottom line is that Sal is crazy and he just doesn't understand it. He said that he really believes all of this stuff he tells them. Dominic said that Beth loves Howard and that's why she wants to get married. Sal said he knows that and that's what he's been saying.
Howard said that he doesn't want to pay for Sal's drinks and he's going to keep him away from that stuff. He put Artie in charge of that.
Howard asked Artie if he's going to be drinking at the wedding. Artie wasn't sure about that. He said that he had his therapy session on the phone yesterday and it went very well for him. He said the rest of his day was very stressful though.
Sal said that he's going to be fine at the wedding and there is no reason to worry. Howard told him to get out of the studio. Fred said he wouldn't let Sal within 60 miles of the wedding. He said that it's not that he's going to do something that day, it might be 1 or two weeks, or maybe 3 months, that he will do something to hurt Beth that will piss Howard off. He said that's kind of what he did with the Beth jokes in his routine. He had a talk with him and he still did it.
Gary came in and said that Beth just sent him an e-mail that said simply ''Please tell Sal to show some class and not come to the wedding.''
Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that Sal is going to go nuts and kill Howard some day. Artie said he kind of agrees with the guy. He said that it might be best if Sal doesn't go to the wedding.
Sal came back in so Howard told him that he'd better not come to the wedding. Sal said that he feels bad for Howard and he put him in a strange position with the woman he loves. Sal said that he's not a psychopath and he just gets these weird ideas and puts them out there and it gets him into trouble. He said he went with this theory and he didn't want to put anyone in this position.
Sal tried to explain this bio rhythm thing he was talking about earlier but his definition was so off that the guys had to tell him that he was just wrong.
Sal told Beth not to take this the wrong way and he said he just wants her to have a nice day that day. Sal said that he was just trying to make a point there. Robin was goofing on him so he said that Jim was smart to have broken up with her. He said he can't wait to high five him for the break up... after he sniffs his fingers.
A caller said that subconsciously Howard really wants Sal to be his best man. That got a laugh out of Artie. Howard told Sal that he's really just a depraved fan.
Howard took some more calls and let some fans talk about what was going on. One guy said that Howard should fire Sal over this. Sal said that he's all wrong there and he really appreciates that Beth let him come to the wedding. Artie pointed out that Sal was just saying that the show was more important than Beth was to Howard. Sal said that Howard has said that on the air but Howard said that he never did. He said that Beth is very important to him, more important than anything.
Fred talked about how he's trying to save Sal some problems by telling Howard to keep him away from the wedding. He said that he will screw up eventually. It may not be at the wedding but he could say something after the wedding that would make Howard regret ever inviting him to the event. Fred told Sal that he's trying to save him from some embarrassment.
The guys brought up the time that Sal got kicked out of a Jewish Seder one time for saying something that upset the people there. Sal said that he did but he was just trying to show his appreciation for the Jewish faith.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Sal he was a moron. Jeff said that he would find it a pleasure if he invited him. Howard said that he would actually have Jeff over Sal. He said that Jeff isn't mean. He said that he trusts Jeff more than he trusts Sal. Sal said that hurts.
Sal said he feels bad for putting Howard and Beth in this situation. Howard asked Sal if he thinks that Artie and Fred don't want him at the wedding because that way they can do some stunts of their own. Sal said that's ridiculous.
Howard said he wishes that his therapist was around but he's on vacation right now. He needs to go to talk about this whole Sal thing. Howard said that he's probably going to come to Sal and request that he not come to the wedding. Sal asked him not to do that. Howard said that he really can't have him there. Sal said that he knows that he has to suffer the consequences and he's talked about that before. He said it was just a theory he had and he doesn't believe that anymore.
Gary asked Sal what he might do at the wedding if his theory was correct. Sal said that he won't be doing anything like that. He said it never came to that.
Howard said that Sal slapped his cock on something at Artie's party. Sal joked that he had but he said that he couldn't pull Artie's leg about that because he will kill him.
Howard told Sal he doesn't want him at the wedding. Sal said he feels bad and he's very sorry about the whole thing. Sal said he wasn't going to act upon his theory. He said that it's all coming off so wrong.
Howard told Sal he likes working with him, he has no problem with that. He said that putting their lives together in a personal way was probably suicidal. Howard said that they should keep it professional. He asked him not to come to the wedding. Sal said he won't come if that's truly their wish. He said that Beth should enjoy that day.
Gary came in and said that they do have video of Sal rubbing his penis on a pumpkin after Artie's birthday party. Sal said that was after the party and he was a little drunk when he did that. Gary said that if Sal had been arrested for that, his name would have been mentioned with Howard's name. Sal said that was old news and Gary was just instigating the whole thing.
Howard said that he heard that Sal stripped down to his underwear at his wife's friend's wedding. Sal said that was true but there was a story behind that. He said that they did the conga line thing and they were giving out boxer shorts and he just pulled down his pants and showed his real boxer shorts.
Howard said that Sal screwed up at Artie's party when he started to throw pizza at Scott DePace. He said it's a reflection on him too and that place had never opened up to just one person for a party before so it makes him look bad.
Gary said that Sal went to Billy Mira's wedding and sang some dirty songs to Billy's wife. Sal said he did that too. He said that this may be an Epiphany for him and maybe he'll change the way he does things from now on.
Howard said that Sal is out of his mind and wondered what he's doing. Artie said that Sal makes him look good so he loves it. Artie pointed out that Sal is admitting stuff now that he just has no boundaries and it just takes some alcohol to get him to do stuff.
Artie said that he's having second thoughts about what Sal might have done to his sausage sandwich at his party. Howard said that they had to take a break after that because they had gone an hour and 43 minutes with no break.
Howard said that he had Jeff from the Jesus Twins on the phone to talk about his brother dying. He said that he always loved the Jesus Twins. He said that he had a little bit of a synopsis to play of the Jesus Twins. He was going to get into that but KC was on the phone to he got to him first.
Fred played the KC Armstrong theme song (to the theme of the Ghostbusters song) before Howard talked to him. Howard said his favorite of those songs was the ''KC Takes Gay Photographs'' parody. He played that one real quick and Artie said that was from an unknown Richard Christy.
KC was on the phone whispering and said that the timing didn't work out. He said that he's protection for some broads who are escorts and he has to whisper. Howard asked if they were hookers. KC said that's not what they call them. He said that there are two of them in the room right now and he has to get them and go. Howard told him to call back tomorrow if he can't talk today. KC said he'd let those guys blow their loads and he'd call right back.
Howard said that Gary told him that there was a problem because KC is doing this job where he protects these escorts. Howard said that he can't get back to him today because he has the Jesus Twins guy calling in. He said that he's trying to do a radio show there.
Howard said that he told Ronnie he can't drink at his wedding. The caller asked about Richard. Fred said that he may want to stop Richard from drinking that night too. He said that he's been embarrassed by some people before at parties and Richard was one of those people who embarrassed him. Fred said that there were others who were a problem too and it just wasn't their night but they stole the attention.
Richard came in and asked what he did that was so wrong. Fred told him that he had purple gums and he was swaying back and forth at this classy restaurant. They were at a 5 star restaurant for this engagement party and he was acting like it was Pizza Hut according to Fred.
Howard remembered Richard yelling out ''Big guy jacking'' at the party. Richard said that it was an inside joke between him and JD.
KC was back on the phone and speaking at a normal level. Howard asked him about this job he has at the escort service. KC said that's just one of the things he does. He said that he has actually banged some of the escorts. Howard asked him if he's ever had to step in with the guys that are doing the chicks.
KC said that he did have to step in recently with some gang bangers. He said that sometimes they won't pay or they won't let the chicks out of the room. He said that the gang bangers got angry when the chicks refused to have sex with the guys. KC said that a few guys came out with handguns and came around the corner. He said that he ran away zig zagging down the street. He said that the girls ran away too.
Artie asked KC what he would tell a young actor or comic who wants to move out there to become successful. KC just laughed. Howard said that KC works for an escort service where the girls are really just escorts and don't have sex.
Howard asked KC if he's ever been recognized. He doesn't think he has. Howard asked if he wears chaps or something when he goes to these dates. KC said that he doesn't do that and he doesn't do the escorting stuff. Robin asked him if he's a pimp. KC said he's just a big dumb guy trying to eat tomorrow.
Howard asked how many of these girls he's banged. KC said that it's just one. KC said that he had a girlfriend at the time but he's in the middle of a break up and he's homeless right now. He said that this chick made an allegation against him that he had thrown her to the floor and he ended up getting kicked out. He said that he swears he didn't do that but the cops have to go by what she said.
KC is in a custody battle with this chick over their dog too. He said that things are going okay now but he was arrested for stealing a car that he didn't really steal. He said that he rented a car and kept calling every week telling them that he wanted to extend the agreement and they apparently weren't getting the message. He said that he kept the car for 3 or 4 months.
KC said he's trying to get his life in order. He just joined a debt consolidation thing and they're trying to get him out of debt in 3 years. He has to make his payments to this place and they should be able to get him out of debt in just a few years. The place is called Envision Debt Solutions and you can find out more at EnvisionDebtSolutions.com
Artie told KC to come back home and do some shows with him instead of staying out there. KC said that he has something in the works that's going to be really cool. He said that they're going to be blown away by it.
Howard asked KC how much he can make in a night. KC said he can make like $300-600 a night doing what he does. Howard let KC go a short time later. KC threw in another plug for that debt solutions thing before he left.
Howard asked KC what happened with KC managing Miss Howard Stern. KC said that he's not talking to her right now because she sent him a picture of her boobs and his girlfriend found it. Howard let KC go a short time later.
Howard said that they were very confident about their song. Howard said that they were mocking Gary on the show that day and played a clip of that.
Artie said that they were great at making fun of the people on the show. Howard said that they were on one time playing a song live and they just wanted a record contract. Harvey Leeds from Sony Records called in and said that he liked their song. They told him to fuck off. Howard played a clip of that too. They didn't like that Sony had signed Pearl Jam so they turned him down.
Artie said that he was starting to get emotional about the whole thing now that he's thinking about it. Howard said that he had some more audio of him yelling at them about the way they were talking to him. Howard yelled at them about how he couldn't stop the presses at their request. They claimed they were doing him a favor by offering up their song.
Howard played one of the Jesus Twins songs that they performed on the show. Jackie and Stuttering John were laughing in the background as they were performing. Artie was laughing over it as well. Howard said he kind of liked the song. Artie said they were kind of intense.
Howard said that he had Jeff on the phone. Jeff is one of the Jesus Twins. He said he was sorry to read about his brother getting killed. He said that he could tell that he was in bad shape a couple of years ago when he saw him.
Jeff said that back in 1997 they never knew anything about manic depression or bi-polar disorder. He said that it was only after 3 or 4 months that they found out they had people interested in them. He said that they had people asking them to sign stuff ''Jesus'' and at some point there was a shift with his brother, Eric, and he would flip into this alternate reality. Howard said that Eric got kind of violent at one point when they were in.
Artie said that Eric may have been the one who punched a wall in the green room or something. Howard asked Jeff what was going on the past few years.
Jeff said that he had an interesting story to tell. He said he hasn't heard the show in a while and wondered if he could curse. Howard said that he could. Jeff went on and said that he was going to blow the show off this morning but he figured if he woke up that he'd call in. He said he got a message from Eric who told him that he'd be missing from his dream if he didn't call in.
Jeff said that he wound up getting some Pit Bulls while his brother was going through this stuff. He said that Eric had some legal problems and he got into the dog thing while that was going on. Jeff said that the dogs gave him the unconditional love that he needed. He said that he lives alone with the 3 pit bulls down in Texas. He said that he started a dog training business a few years ago to make a living. He's still doing music too.
Jeff said that his brother was living with him in L.A. and he was going through one of these manic episodes. He said that he was one street over from his brother at the time. Jeff said that his brother had been going through this legal case for the past 4 years. Howard asked what it was that he did. Jeff said that Eric had set his house on fire and that's what he got into trouble over.
Howard said he read that his brother went outside with a gun and the cops shot him. He said it sounded like suicide by cop to him. Jeff said that anyone who thinks that's the case is ignorant. Jeff said that Eric was getting sick so he checked him into a mental hospital a week before the incident. He said his brother didn't know he was going to do that to him. He didn't tell Eric what he was doing.
Jeff said that Eric had taken $10,000 back from their attorney that they actually needed to pay the guy. He said that Eric had just gone to the grocery store and rescued a bunch of lobsters in this $2,000 aquarium so he could rescue the lobsters. That's what he did with the 10 grand and it was obvious he wasn't thinking rationally. That's when he figured he had to have him committed. Jeff said that Eric wouldn't comply and take his meds so they let him out of the hospital.
Jeff said that once he found out they were going to release him, he left because he was so scared that his brother was going to get upset with him. He said that all of his lobsters had died and that was his fault too.
Jeff said that Eric would play music at a really high volume when he was in one of these manic moments of his. He said that he was in this delusional state. He said that he's not even sure if it's a delusional state because he believed what was going on.
Howard asked who called the cops. Jeff didn't say who it was. He said that they claim that he shot at the cops and they had to shoot him. Howard read that he got up and they had to shoot him again after the first shot. Jeff said that's what they're claiming. He said that he's hearing 10 different things.
Jeff said that his brother is being cremated today and it's been a week from the time he was shot. Howard said that it must be insane for him. Jeff said that it is but he believes that his brother's soul lives on. He said that he believes that his brother still has so much music that he will be releasing it. Howard said that he feels sorry for him. He let him go a short time later.
Artie said that they were the best when they were on the show. Howard said it was very sad. A caller said that he was about to kill himself if they had kept that guy on the phone any longer.
Another caller said that he doesn't like the fact that they're making it sound like the cops did something wrong. Howard said they weren't trying to do that at all. He said that maybe the news reports are doing something like that but they're very pro-police there.
Eric said that he tried to call in over the past couple of days but he hasn't been able to get through. Eric said that it was Johnny Fratto's birthday yesterday and he wanted to mention that. Howard said that Eric gets mad at him when he can't get to him but he just can't get to him every day.
Howard said that he's been very busy lately and he can't spend a lot of time with him. Eric said that he's opening a new store where he can sell autographs and stuff. Fred threw in the ''Zero point zero'' clip as they were ending the call. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard said that Bob was throwing kisses to Robin as he came in. Howard asked Bob to talk about his recent roast over at Comedy Central. Bob said that it was a big honor and he was very scared to do it. Howard asked if they were very honest and brutal with him.
Bob said that John Stamos was the roast master and he was great. He said that he worked with some writers there and did very good. He said that they went to gay stuff and pedophilia with Stamos.
Howard said he read that Bob censored the roast because of the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen jokes. Bob said that he did not do that. He said he was kind of upset about some of the lines that were said. Howard asked what they were. Bob didn't like what Gilbert Gottfried said about them. Howard said that he had that clip from YouTube. He played the clip and Gilbert was joking about how Bob had drugged the girls with a chocolate milk shake and insinuated that he fucked them in the ass.
Howard asked Bob if he had sex with the twins. Bob said he did not. He said that he would have taken some of those lines out if he could have but then he thought that they do have free speech so they should be allowed to do what they want. He said that he had a couple of lines pulled because even he went a little far with his jokes.
Howard said that he heard that Bob claims that Artie ruined the roast by not showing up. Howard said that he heard that Bob was preoccupied that Artie might be dead that day. Bob said that he was right about that. He said he got a call from Joel Gallen on the day of the roast and found out that Artie was a no-show. He said that they had offered to fly him out there, with medical attention, and he still didn't show up. Howard said that Bob was so worried that it was like having a black cloud over the roast.
Artie said that he's glad that there was some concern over him but he didn't want to ruin the roast. Bob said that they called Jeff Garlin to fill in for Artie for the roast. They had to find another fat guy so they could do fat jokes during the roast. Artie said he knew that's what they were going to do. He said that at the Shatner roast Betty White said that she was going to outlive him and killed with the joke.
Bob said that they were all very sad when they found out Artie wasn't going to be there. He said that he figured that Artie had died and they just weren't telling them so they wouldn't bum the whole roast out.
Howard heard that Bob told Gary that they should really step in and do an intervention with Artie. He heard that Bob thinks that they're more his family than his own family is. Bob said that people are scared to get too close to Artie because he'll just flip out and say ''fuck it'' to everything.
Howard said that Bob worked with Artie and he didn't step in and do anything during Dirty Work. Howard said that he knew that Artie was trying to score coke from someone the night before the shoot began. Artie said that he didn't actually get anything, he just tried to get it.
Artie said that he had been arrested for doing coke and taking a swing at a cop while he was on MAD TV. He said that after that he got a call from Bob to do this movie with him and he just about had the part when he was asked to go shoot pool with Bob and Norm MacDonald. He said they all went out and shot 9 ball that night and he felt so good that he wanted to score some coke. He was drunk from doing shots and he just had the balls to ask these guys to get him some coke. He didn't get any though.
Bob said that he barely knew Artie at that point. He did tell him that he couldn't be drunk like that on the set of the movie. Howard asked Bob what he thinks he should do with Artie then. Bob said that he can't pass judgment.
Bob said he told Gary that he thinks that Artie would listen to them more than he'd listen to his mother or sister. Howard said that Artie is in outpatient rehab right now. Bob said that he thinks that Artie just didn't want to do the Foxwoods gig and this was his way of getting out of it.
Bob said that he's never been part of an intervention so he doesn't know how it works. He said he thinks that it's like a 4 day intervention his week so far.
Artie said that he was literally turning green when he was on the phone with Joel Gallen that morning and he just wasn't able to fly out there.
Bob asked where they should send Artie at the end of this intervention. Artie said that it wouldn't be having him fly out to L.A. when he's feeling like he's dying. Howard asked Artie if he's enjoying his 10 days of sobriety. Artie said that he isn't.
Howard asked Artie to tell them what he would have said about Bob if he had gone to the roast. Artie said he had a few jokes. He said that if you hadn't seen Bob's HBO show you can just google ''Bob Saget / insanely embarrassing'' and some other stuff like that.
Artie said that he wanted to be honest with Bob. He said he feels that he's doing what he should be doing right now and he doesn't need to go away to some kind of rehab. Howard said that Artie has been going to his therapist. He was with him for 2 and a half hours yesterday. Artie said that he did that and then went to do some stand up and hosted a movie thing.
Artie said that he's going to stay home and relax for the next month. He said that he was going to be doing some shows up in Massachusetts later this month but he canceled that because his therapist told him to do that. He's feeling good about that right now.
Bob said that he doesn't think that Artie is going to be able to avoid drinking if he's spending so much time alone with himself. Artie has said that he will try stop drinking for a few months at least.
Artie said that he thinks that Bob and Norm are very sincere about caring for him. He said that if they think that he should be away for 30 days at some place then maybe he should consider that. He said that he went through detox and he's been going to this therapist who thinks he's okay to go back to the show. He said the therapist doesn't think that he should be away at some place.
Howard said that Artie is going to a respected therapist and he's not thinking that he should be in some rehab center. This guy helped Richard Lewis out and now he's helping Artie. Artie said that the guy told him to cancel these gigs so he listened to him about that. Artie said that he thinks that Howard would be okay with him going away for 30 days if he had to. Howard said that would be no problem at all if he had to do that.
Howard said that Artie is succeeding so far and he's feeling good about this therapist. Artie said that this guy has treated some other guys who have gone through similar stuff and he knows what he's doing. Artie said the guy gets him and it's working.
Howard said that the roast of Bob Saget is on Comedy Central this Sunday night at 10. Bob is also going to be on ''Surviving Suburbia'' on the CW this fall.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked Artie if he thinks he knows it all already. Artie said he doesn't and he thinks that this therapist knows what he's doing and he's going by what he's telling him to do.
Artie said that all of these guys, Bob, Norm and Sam Simon, have all been very concerned about him. He said that he really appreciates that. He said he had some great jokes about Bob that the guys helped him to write. He threw out another one where he talked about the great ride he had after Dirty Work and how he now knows what it was like to be part of the Beatles.
Bob said that they lost Bernie Brillstein last week too. Artie said he didn't know about that. Howard said that Bernie was a manager of a lot of Hollywood types. He even managed John Belushi. Bob said that Bernie was his manager for a long time.
Bob said that he went out with Bernie a few years ago and ended up in a Jacuzzi alone with Bernie at one point. He said that he was making Bernie laugh and Bernie told him that if he could do in his career what he's done in the Jacuzzi, he'd be rich. Bob asked him ''What, take a shit?''
Artie said that he met Bernie through Norm because he was managing Norm at the time. He said that one time Norm won like $100,000 at a casino and he didn't know what to do with the money so he called Bernie to ask his advice. Bernie told him not to tell his wife and to put the money away in a safe deposit box up in Canada or something.
Howard asked Bob if the Olsen twins showed up to the roast. Bob said that they didn't have them to the roast. It may be too rough for them. That led to Artie telling a joke about how he and Heath Ledger had something in common and joked that they both had Ashley Olsen as their heroin dealer.
Bob said that the Olsens actually love Howard and they're always asking him if he's going to be on the show. Bob said that they're great kids. Artie said that he saw one of the girls on the cover of the Post last week and he jerked off to it. Bob asked him if he was looking at that when he was supposed to be out in L.A. to do the roast. Artie said that he was looking forward to that trip and he wanted to go out there. He wasn't physically able to do it.
Bob said that the first time he was on the show he called in and Howard asked why he wasn't in there live. He said the next time he called in he was going through marriage problems like Howard was going through. Now he's dating a girl and Howard is going out with this Beth and getting married again. Howard said that everything is cool right now and he thinks that his kids are okay with it even though they'd probably prefer that he still be married to their mother. That won't work now though since she got married.
Bob was saying that he has a 28 year old girlfriend who people mistake for his daughter. Then people will see him out with his daughter and they mistake her for his girlfriend. He said it's just not fair.
Howard gave Bob another plug for this new TV show he's doing for the CW. Bob told Howard what the show is about. Howard said that the show is airing on November 2nd.
Ralph called in and said that Bob hooked his sister up with a doctor to help her out with this scleroderma that Bob's sister died of. Ralph said that his sister is doing really well after going there and he really appreciates that. Bob said that his name is Dr. Fred Wrigley. Artie said he had some jokes about that disease and told the guys what some of those were. He said that it's the thickening of the skin and joked that having a thick skin must have helped her when she found out the numbers for his movies and TV shows.
Howard asked if any of the other people at the roast said anything about the disease. Bob said that they didn't go there.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Bob is the only one who has the balls to come forward and tell Artie what he needs to do. She said that she doesn't think that the addiction is going to be broken so easily and she hopes that Artie gets the help he needs. Howard gave Bob some more plugs and asked about ''Full House'' and the kind of money he's getting from that. Bob said that he gets residuals but it's not that much money. the show is on the air somewhere in this world every hour of the day though. Howard told Bob to give the Olsen Twins a kiss for him. Howard said that he would have sex with them if he could. He said that he's not sure if he'd date them because they're too short. He said that he would only have sex with them.
Howard asked Bob which of the girls he likes better. Howard said that he thinks Ashley is hotter. Bob said that he can't answer that. Howard asked if he's ever had a sexual thought about them. Bob paused for a few seconds and didn't answer. Howard said that he really likes the girls. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Steve said they also have a story about Artie and High Pitch Mike making up and Artie agreeing with Mike about Howard having him at his wedding. That led to Howard talking about Mike and how he doesn't know him very well. Mike came in a short time later and said he gets that he doesn't want him there. He said that he doesn't want to go where he's not welcome. He said that he learned yesterday that Sal was invited and figured that he should come in and do a roast himself and maybe get an invite that way. Howard said that there are a lot of people there that he just can't invite. He said that Steve Langford is one of them.
Howard said that he doesn't have enough seats for everyone and he just can't invite them all. Howard said that Mike is a good guy but he can't invite him.
Mike said that he actually put off his parent's 40th wedding anniversary trip just in case the wedding came up. Howard told him that he should have gone to that even if he was invited to the wedding.
Howard asked Mike if he's really getting along with Artie now. Mike said that he and Artie did say that they regretted what had gone on. Mike said that he was moved by Artie going to Afghanistan on the USO tour and also about the rehab stuff. He said that he and Artie would never be friends on the outside and he knows that. He said that he has no one to be mad at now except for Howard.
Artie said that he thinks that Mike might have a point about the whole wedding thing. Howard said that he doesn't even have a seat for him to sit in at this point. Mike said that he did just get rid of Sal though. Mike said he'd be willing to work at the event if he wants. Howard said he might be able to work it that way.
Howard said that he had Mike to something. Mike said that he was at Artie's pizza party. Howard said he's mad at Mike now because he does invite him to some stuff. Mike said that he'd like to see Howard and Beth's special love. He said that he will never have kids in his life and he'd like to see what Howard has going on.
Howard asked Mike why he's saying that he'll never have kids. Howard asked him why he'd say that. Mike said that no girl is going to want to have kids with him and his eye, his skin and his balding head. He said he's a genetic freak.
Mike said that he was thinking about getting hair transplants but it's way out of his price league. He said that it would cost him close to what a new car would cost. He said it would be about $15,000 or so. Howard said it's not going to help.
Howard told Mike that he knew a guy who had really low self esteem. He got him his first date and then he went out and started getting tons of pussy and now he's married with kids. Howard said that the guy is as good looking as Mike. Howard said that Mike might be even better looking than him.
Gary said that they have a girl coming from the Bunny Ranch soon so maybe Mike could bang her. Mike wanted to see a picture first. Howard said he was going to offer Mike the chance to bang her or come to his wedding. Mike said that it might be against his journalistic ethics to bang her. Howard said that she's legal out at the Bunny Ranch.
Mike thought about the answer to the question and wasn't sure if he was going to pick the wedding or the whore. Howard said that he'd do that chick and he's not even into hookers. Artie told him that they're all whores. Mike ended up picking the wedding. Howard told him he can't have him there and told him to go with the chick.
Mike said that he picked the wedding because maybe Artie will take him to Vegas some day. Howard showed Mike some audio of this whore and Mike said that she is hot. Howard said that she's really hot. Howard said that he can't believe he picked the wedding over the girl. Mike said that it would turn into a whole thing.
Ralph called in and said that this is kind of gay and asked Fred to play the ''What a total fag'' clip. He told Mike that he has no women on his list of women to bang and he should take Howard up on this offer. Mike said that he doesn't want to fuck a professional. Mike claims that he's had intercourse twice but that was when he was younger, cuter and hairier. Howard asked if it was with women. Mike said ''of course.'' Howard said that he's not sure if he can invite Mike but he'll try to make it happen.
Steve got back to his news preview and read through some stuff about Artie that they have coming up. They have Sam Simon commenting on Artie's problems. Steve wrapped up a short time later and then Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He quickly ran through the stuff they were going to try and cover today on the Wrap Up Show.
Steve Brandano came in next and gave his Intern Show preview for tonight's Intern Show that airs at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard said that he wasn't really for real with that essay contest to get into his wedding. He said that if Mike holds him to that he will try and figure out a way to get him in. Howard said he'd like to invite more people but he just doesn't have the room.
Steve said that he's like the only person who is there every single day who didn't get invited to the wedding. Howard said that it's not a sign that he doesn't like him, he just had to stop somewhere with the invitations. Artie told him that Howard doesn't like him or High Pitch Mike.
Robin talked about the Mets and the Yankees and how they're not going to have as many seats as they do in the old stadiums when they move to the new ones. Robin read some news about Adam West and how he's possibly going to be on Dancing with the Stars.
Robin had a story about a kid who was attacked by a black bear in national park. They had to go to break after that, around 10:30am.
After the break we heard a Bernie Mac comedy bit. Howard and Robin came back and got back into the news. Robin read a story about an actor, Shelley Malil, that allegedly stabbed his wife when he found her with another man.
Robin had a story about how restaurants are being forced to post nutrition details on meals on their menus. She said that animal activists are asking the Pope to stop wearing furs on his outfits. Howard said he should also stop wearing dresses and all of that stuff too. He said that it's not a good image for the church with all of the gay stuff going around.
Robin had stories about genetically engineered crops, the Olympics, people avoiding spending by not visiting the doctor, the death of Sandy Allen the world's tallest woman and more. Howard said that they had Sandy on the show and she was a really nice woman. He said she had a lot of medical problems though. Howard said that if the next tallest woman in the world dies, he's next in line to be the world's tallest woman.
Robin had some news about the Russian attacks on Georgia. She had some clips of John McCain saying that we're all Georgian's today. Howard said he's no Georgian today. Robin had some George Lopez clips where he talks about his new film. Howard said they haven't heard from that dude in a long time.
Howard said that Ben Stiller and the guys were in town but they passed on coming in. Howard said that he liked their movie but they didn't show up even though they were invited.
Robin had a clip of an actress talking about working with Kiefer Sutherland and going on and on about how great he was. Howard said that was pretty annoying. Robin said that Scarlett Johansson is in a new movie and played some clips of her kissing Woody Allen's ass and talking about how great it was to work with him.
Robin had some clips of the director of the Star Wars: The Clone Wars movie talking about the movie coming out. That led to Howard goofing on the guys they interviewed at Comicon in their Gammoreon Guard outfit and Darth Nihilus costume. Howard said he can tell that this movie is going to suck. He apologized to the director for saying that. Robin ended her news after that. Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
After playing the clip Jon said there was so much going on in that clip that he doesn't know where to begin. Gary said he loves when people who are funny stop being funny and get serious. Gary said that Howard stopped being funny and told Sal seriously that if he fucked up he was going to be pissed. Gary said he had a discussion with Sal after that segment and he told him that he'll never believe that was a bit he was doing. He said Sal was telling him he would never act on those thoughts in his head.
Gary said that Sal doesn't understand that he's wrong and he only reacts to what other people are saying to him when he is wrong. He said that Sal thinks that Benjy has had the same type of thoughts but Gary said he doesn't believe the case.
Jon asked Benjy if he has had those type of thoughts that Sal is talking about. Benjy said no to that. Jon wanted Sal to come in there so they could talk to him about all of this.
Benjy said he thinks that Sal really believes that Howard has that thought in his head and he may feel compelled to act on it in some way. Jon said that Fred was saying that Sal gets that thought in his head and he feels compelled to do the things he does. Jon said that Sal was at his daughter's bat mitzvah and he behaved there. He said he had to speak to him before the event though.
Gary said that Sal shouldn't have to be spoken to before hand on how to react. He should know better by now. Sal came in around that time so Gary said that he sees that Sal knows that it's great when he makes Howard smile during the show. The problem is that he doesn't know when to stop off the air. Sal said he disagrees with him on that. Sal said he can separate the two things on and off the air.
Sal said that his problem is that he puts this stuff out to other people and talks about it. Gary said that he's pitched that whole thing to a bunch of people though. Sal said he told Jon about it on the ride home yesterday.
Sal said that he wanted to tell Howard about the whole thing and he thinks that an angry Howard is the funniest thing. He said that he found that very amusing and he now knows that he went too far and added too much gas to the fire. He said that Howard went to that angry Howard and he knew he was fucked when he had gone too far.
Sal said that he actually wrote a song about Howard and Beth that he wanted to perform there. Gary said that he could address him on 1000 levels but he wanted to know why he has to be noticed at the wedding at all. Sal said he's not trying to get attention. Jon said he had a similar question for Sal. He wondered why Sal would hope that he would show up with a guitar and perform at their wedding. Sal said that it's just a thought. He said he's squashed the thought since the song was kind of goofy.
Sal said that he doesn't want to screw anything up but he and Richard are always wondering if they're going to push something too far. Gary told him that this is his wedding though and that has nothing to do with the show. Sal said that he thinks that the stuff at the wedding has to progress naturally and it can't be planned. Gary said that nothing ''has'' to happen at the wedding and they don't need anyone to do anything to make it more fun.
Benjy said that Sal is thinking that if he does screw up there at the wedding then Howard will talk about it on the air and it would make for great radio. Sal said that he's not trying to plan on screwing up, he's just saying that he wouldn't be surprised if something did happen. He said he just had that thought in his head because they have always come back from events and talked about them on the air.
Gary said that he doesn't believe what Sal is saying right now and he's kind of sugar coating it and moving things around trying to smooth it over. Gary said that Sal was changing his story and not saying the same stuff he was saying earlier.
Sal also said that he wasn't saying the right thing when he said that Howard puts the show before Beth. He meant to say that Howard puts everyone and everything after the show. Gary said that he got the note from Beth pretty fast after Sal's comments.
Gary said that today made him rethink who Sal is. He said that he doesn't know who he is after hearing the stuff he was saying today. Sal said that he's known him for 15 years and he does know him. Gary said that Sal always has wacky ideas in his head and he's not sure he knows how to behave.
Jon said that Sal has this compulsion to do stuff and to be the life of the party all the time. Sal said that it's not like that so much anymore. Gary said that Sal knows not to do this stuff at his son's school. Sal said that he just wants to speed through that stuff, that's why he doesn't do anything goofy there.
Sal said that he is going to behave at the wedding and he would bow out if they really don't feel comfortable with him. Gary said that he doesn't care if he's there or not but that day is supposed to be Beth's perfect day and he shouldn't screw anything up for them. Sal said that he won't go if they don't want him there.
Gary said that he wasn't one of those people saying that Sal shouldn't be invited but he is now. Jon told Sal that he has planted that seed in Howard and Beth's head and they're going to be thinking about that the whole time he's there. Sal said that he knows that and he's not trying to screw things up, it was just a thought he had.
Sal said that he was trying to figure out what to do by asking everyone about what he was thinking. He didn't know he was going to be thrown into the fire. Gary said that he had told 4 people about that whole thing by that point. Gary also said that Richard threw Sal under the bus with that story too.
Sal said that he's not a terrorist, this is just a wedding and he just wondered what would happen if something wacky happened there. Benjy asked Sal how he knows for sure that Howard doesn't want him to do something crazy. Sal said he doesn't know that but he's going to listen to him and not do anything.
Sal said that he knows that he has to back off when Howard gets angry. He said that he's going to wait and see how things go before he says he's not going to the wedding.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary if he feels bad for throwing Sal under the bus the way he did. Gary said that he could have told Sal not to talk about this to anyone anymore, and something went down at the wedding, it would be on him. He had to bring it out to make sure Howard knew what was going on.
Sal said Gary doesn't feel bad about it at all. Gary said he likes how it's his fault all of a sudden. Another caller said that Sal is a sick, demented fuck but he's not an idiot. He said that he's turned the show into ''The Sal Show'' by bringing this up. He said he's getting hours of the show dedicated to him already and he didn't even do anything at the wedding. The guy said that Sal doesn't give a shit about the wedding and it's almost like he's just saying ''fuck you'' to them because they actually caved in for him.
Sal said that he didn't know that this was going to snowball the way it did. The caller said that Howard must feel like an asshole now that he's caved in and gotten fucked over again. He said that Sal made Howard and Beth regret caving in to him. Sal said that he really feels bad for Beth more than Howard. He said he was using a poor choice when he used her name when he was talking about how much the show means to Howard.
Ralph called in and said that this is a perfect example of why Sal isn't friends with Howard. He said that he thinks that Howard is the same guy off the air as he is on the air. Ralph told him that he should just sit in a corner and enjoy himself and be as low key as possible at the wedding. Ralph told Sal that if he wants to build a friendship with him he has to just go to Howard and say that he's not coming to the wedding and just bow out. He said that he should just say he's out and not put any caveat on it at all. He said that he could give that to him as a wedding gift.
Sal said that he and Howard are just co-workers, he knows that. He said he's learned to shrug that off and he just has to move on with his life. Sal claims that he doesn't give a shit anymore but he does know that he has to please him on the show. He said he's over the whole personal relationship thing now.
Ralph asked him why he doesn't just say he's not going to the wedding right now. Sal said that he did bow out today and he won't go if they don't want him there. The guys all told Sal that they think Howard doesn't want him there at this point. Sal said that he did bow out but he would hope that they wouldn't be that creeped out and he can still go.
Sal said he doesn't believe that Howard is that creeped out by what he said today. He said that he's just talking about singing a song at the most.
Gary told Sal that Howard is not the man on the air. When he's off the air he's a different person. Sal said that he's read Howard's books and he knows that the real Howard is the guy on the air and the fake Howard is the one off the air. Sal said that if Howard is creeped out by him going to the wedding then he won't go. He said that he's going to talk to him off the air and make sure.
Gary told Ralph what Beth wrote to him saying that if Sal had any class, he'd bow out now. Ralph told Sal that he's out then. Sal said that he's not going to the wedding if nothing changes from now on. He said that he did bow out today but if Howard and Beth have second thoughts, then he'll go.
Ralph said that if Howard asked him if he thinks he should invite Sal to the wedding, he would say yes. He said that things have gotten to the point where everyone is going to be watching him to make sure he doesn't do anything wrong. Sal said that's just not the case, no one is going to be watching him. Gary and Jon both said that everyone will be watching him. Sal doesn't believe that's going to be the case.
Sal said that they have to know him enough that they know he won't do anything. Jon said he's not saying Sal will do something, he's just saying that he'll be watching to see if he does.
Ralph said that Sal keeps saying ''if'' he's out of the wedding and he should be out. Sal said that he's out at this point... unless Howard and Beth change their minds. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Benjy asked if it was wrong for Sal to go to Gary to talk about the thought he had. Gary said that it was because he shouldn't even be having thoughts like that. Sal said that his thought wasn't to wear a Nazi uniform to his wedding or something like that. Gary said that no one knows what Sal's parameters are and it's hard to tell where he's going with that stuff.
Sal said that he didn't even say that it was him in particular that would do something wacky. Gary said that he did though. Sal said that he may have used himself as an example. Gary and Sal went back and forth for a few minutes on that. Sal was saying that he's not going to be blowing up the building or something. Gary said that's how Sal is showing that he's not responsible for the whole thing and doesn't think that he's doing anything wrong.
Sal said that Gary is acting like a therapist and they're just going around in circles. Gary asked Jon if he thinks Sal knows what he did wrong. Jon said ''in part'' he does. Benjy said that he understands what Gary is thinking but doesn't agree with it. Gary said that he doesn't think that Sal fully understands. Sal said that he does. Sal said he made his bed and he has to sleep in it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary is being too logical with Sal. He said that you can't ask Sal a question directly, you have to ask him in the third person. The guy said that he believes that Beth and Howard handled it badly because Sal isn't able to act gentlemanly. The guy asked who hired Sal. Gary said that it was Howard's final decision.
The guy asked what kind of IQ Sal has. Gary guessed it's about 105. The caller said that's probably about right and then went on to talk about how vindictive he is and how he's trying to ruin Howard and Beth's relationship so he can get into bed with Howard.
Another caller said that he had to defend Sal. He said that this conversation is going in circles and Sal keeps trying to end it and they just won't drop it. Another caller asked Gary why he thinks that Sal would know better than to say what he did on the air. Gary said that most people would just quietly go to the wedding and not say something like that. He wondered if that's so crazy to want from people.
Sal said that they were betting on whether or not he was going to be going to the wedding. He said that he didn't say a word and juts bowed out gracefully. He said he wasn't pissed off about the wedding but they kept saying that he was. Benjy asked if Sal was going to be at the wedding. They ran out of time around then so Jon had to end it in the middle of the whole argument.
Howard started off the show talking about the show and how satellite radio has been growing since they moved there two and a half years ago. He said that he's been trying to figure out what would have happened if they didn't move there. He said there was nowhere left to go with the show on terrestrial radio. He said that he may have retired or he'd still be there with Tom giving him a hard time every day. He said that he wouldn't be able to quit if the was still there under contract. Howard said that Kidd Chris hasn't been getting paid since he was fired and he had a contract.
Howard said he saw the Pope in the paper today and thought it was some old woman. He said that he doesn't get why they're so anti-gay in the catholic church when the Pope is dressed like a woman.
Howard said that he was reading about this John Edwards and what his wife has been saying about his affair. He said that she found out about the affair and wasn't told about it by John. Someone had apparently walked in on him.
Howard said that he hates to sound cold and callus. He said that he used to look at Edwards and his wife and thought that they looked like a mismatch. He said he thinks that Edwards wanted to be a single President and was hoping that his wife would die before he got into office so he'd be single and free to date.
Howard said that pussy equals trouble. He said he was watching these videos that Edwards' videographer was shooting and Edwards looked like a young boy in love. He said that he was laughing and putting energy into the video shoot that only a guy in love would do. Howard and Robin said that if you're sick of your marriage you should just get out of there.
Howard said that Sal blasted Beth a while back during a roast. He said that Sal apologized to Beth about that and then they got tape of him doing it in his stand-up act again after he had apologized. Beth didn't want anything to do with the guy after that so Beth said she didn't want him at the wedding. Howard agreed with her on that because it was going to be too weird.
Howard said Beth had a change of mind and told him that she was going to invite Sal to the wedding since he does have to work with him every day. He said that he was in after that because they didn't want to make him feel bad. Then this incident happened yesterday and Sal said that he was having strange thoughts about the wedding and what might go on there.
Beth heard the show when Sal was talking about how he had this theory about how he might want him to do something wacky at the wedding.
Howard played some clips from the Wrap Up Show where Sal was wondering who he was if Howard really isn't the guy on the radio. Howard said that Sal is fuckin' mental after listening to that.
Howard said that he and Beth had a conversation about the wedding and they tried to do the best thing. He said that he would prefer that Sal not come to the wedding and he's being serious about that. He said that it would be better for all concerned if he didn't show up.
Robin asked Howard why he has to have these discussions about Sal because he shouldn't have to do that. She said that's why he shouldn't be there. She said that some guy that works with him shouldn't be causing those major discussions. Howard said that he feels that these people are all important to him so that's why he wanted to invite him. He said it's not going easily and things are just getting too weird.
Robin said that it sounds like Sal is having some kind of mental break. Howard played some more of the Wrap Up Show clips where Gary was explaining to Sal who Howard is off the air and on the air. Robin said that Sal shouldn't be an issue at all. People going to the wedding shouldn't cause problems like this.
Howard said that High Pitch Mike told him last night that he's going to his parent's anniversary so he doesn't have to worry about inviting him to the wedding. Howard said he's a classy guy. Artie said that shows he gets the show. Howard said that what Sal has done is make him feel bad about his wedding. It was a nice celebration but now it's something he has to disinvite someone from.
Sal came in and said he heard them talking about it. Fred played The Who's ''Who Are You'' since Sal was wondering who he was in that clip. Artie said that Fred was killing him with that.
Sal came in and said that he doesn't want them to feel awkward and he gets why he's no longer welcome. Howard said that they're not even going to invite someone else with that invitation because they were already over extended.
Howard said that there's some sort of intelligence that Sal is lacking. Robin said that he's got a screw loose in there. Howard said he likes Sal and he tried so hard to invite him. Sal said he knows and he just wants to show Beth some respect and he won't show up to the wedding. He said he can say he's sorry but he has to show that by not going.
Sal said he told his wife yesterday and she felt bad for Howard and Beth. He said that she sounded just like Howard and the guys. Howard said that Sal still doesn't know what went wrong. Sal said that he does and explained what he thought it was. Sal said he didn't know that it was going to snowball into what it was when he told Gary about this thought he had. He said he has this Ralph Cramden syndrome that makes him say stuff that he shouldn't say.
Sal said that they have to understand where he's coming from too. He said that he knows he has a lot to learn. He said he knows he sabotaged himself by talking about that stuff the way he did. Howard said that he could have made it worse if he had showed up. Sal said that he knows he made his bed and he has to sleep in it.
Howard said that this came from Beth and not even from him. Sal said he doesn't want them to feel awkward and he knows the situation he put himself into and he's fine with not going to the wedding.
Sal said that the wedding day will be great for Howard and Beth and he will be learning a lesson about how to treat his boss. Sal said that his wife was even telling him to have Howard call her to talk about this with her. He said that she said that he has something in his head that pushes him to do stuff that he shouldn't do. Sal said that she was telling him that he wasn't doing the right thing and if Howard wanted him to do something wacky, he would come to him.
Howard said it sounds like he's learning something. Sal said that he thought his intentions were good but apparently they're not. He said he's glad that this happened because it's teaching him something. He said that he's close to 40 and his wife pointed that out when she was comparing him to their 8 year old son.
Robin said that she thinks that Sal really has problems. Sal said that he knows Robin will never get married so he doesn't care what he says about her. Howard said that Robin thinks that Sal really has problems. Sal said he's learning from all of this so he doesn't have a problem. Robin said that Sal is believing these delusional thoughts he's been having. Sal said that's not true.
Artie said that if someone went up to Sal and told him that this was all a prank and Howard wanted him there, he could be tricked into showing up. Sal said that's not the case.
The guys asked Sal why he went to other people with that theory of his even after Jon Hein told him to never repeat it to anyone ever again. Sal said that's the little thing in his head that makes him do that.
Gary said that there are a group of people who think that Sal doesn't get that he's wrong and doesn't know what he did wrong. Sal said that he does know what he did. Gary said that there are people who think that Sal has rehearsed this and that's why it sounds right to Howard.
Sal asked Gary if he thinks he has a good heart. Gary said he does. Sal said he wasn't just making this up to get out of it. He said he wasn't just trying to generate air time either. He said it would be stupid to do something like that.
Gary said that he wanted to put together a clip reel of Sal saying that he's learned his lesson. He's said that many times.
Sal was apologizing again when Fred threw in a clip from ''The Godfather'' where Luca Brazi is reading his thank-you to Don Corleone for inviting him to his daughter's wedding.
Howard wonered where Sal's delusion is going to lead him. Robin sadi that it's going to get really bad and they're going to end up reading about him in the paper doing something really wrong. Fred played ''Who Are You'' again as Sal was leaving.
Howard said that Beth was actually a model when he met her and there's a history of that to prove it. She wasn't a stripper.
Howard said that Bubba had Jim Florentine on his show yesterday and they were grilling him about dating Robin. Howard played a clip of Jim talking to them about how he and Robin never really said that they loved each other. Mariann from Brooklyn was on the phone grilling Jim with Bubba and Brent.
Bubba asked Jim how he could make love to Robin if he wasn't in love with her. Jim said that he didn't know that he couldn't do that. Bubba said that he asked Jim if he made love or fucked her and Jim said he made love. Jim said he didn't know the definition.
Brent wondered what it was about Robin that he didn't like because he was saying that she was perfect. Jim said that they were just feeling each other out and trying to figure out if they did love each other.
Robin said she thinks Jim did a fine job on that show. She said that she didn't want to hear any of the interview but said it was fine that Howard was playing it.
Howard played another clip where they asked Jim if it was the show that broke them up. Jim said that he thinks it wasn't really the show but maybe the Howard 100 News that helped break them up. He said that there was a lot of stuff going on with fans coming up to him and taking pictures with women and threatening to send the pictures in to say he was with these chicks.
Jim said that he and Robin are still friends so who knows what might happen down the line. He said that he and Robin are still talking and going out to do stuff together.
Artie said that those clips prove that they have to have Mariann from Brooklyn every day. He said that she kept interrupting and it was the most annoying thing ever. He said that she's a lunatic.
Howard said he liked when Bubba asked if Jim was having ''Little House On the Prairie sex'' because he knows just what he's talking about. That led to Artie talking about how awful sex must have been back in those days because they bathed just once a week or so and they didn't shave down.
Howard said that Kate has been doing the tattoos forever and she must know something. He said that the fans were writing in and telling him to do other stuff than what Kate told him to do. He said that he was going to the gym yesterday and he was afraid that he was going to get some kind of fungus from the equipment and he'd end up dying from that or something.
Howard said that his trainer doesn't believe in tattoos at all. He said that he had some surgical gloves that Kate gave to him and ended up working out while he was wearing them. He said that he wore the gloves while he worked out but his hands got all sweaty and he had to throw the glove out.
Artie said that his father was obsessed with cleanliness even though his work was really dirty. He said that his father didn't like touching money and he would make him go pick up the money from the customers and stuff.
Artie said that his father put on brand new work gloves to pay tolls on the way to a Yankees game one time. He said that's how much he hated touching the money. His father would line up quarters on the dashboard with his gloves on and then he'd have the kids lean in to get the quarters when they'd clean their windows. Artie said his father would watch to make sure the kids didn't touch anything in the car that they weren't supposed to.
Artie said this his father would get tickets at the game and he'd wear his work gloves to the game so he wouldn't have to touch the money. He said that the scalpers there would keep money in their mouths. Howard said that he's paranoid but maybe not that paranoid.
Howard said that Jackie Martling would use other people's toothbrushes and he'd shit anywhere. He said that he's fine and doesn't get sick or anything like that. He said that it's crazy.
Howard said he went to the dentist, Dr. Kaufman, yesterday and he loves that guy. He said he takes great care of him there at the office. Howard said that Ralph goes to him and he gets really nervous at the dentist but Dr. Kaufman helped him out.
Howard said he had to go get a fitting for his wedding suit yesterday. That led to Artie talking about how he could probably lose some weight before the wedding. Artie said that he sees these pictures of him from just a couple of years ago and sees how thin he was. He said it's just awful.
Howard said he went through some of the pictures of Artie for his book and he sees how fat he's gotten too. Artie said that just 3 years ago he was 100 pounds lighter than he is now. Howard said that he'd be getting some great pussy if he was that same weight. He said he could be getting Angelina Jolie or someone like that. Artie said he couldn't put up with those kids.
Howard said that Beth his having a gown made up and he's having a suit made at Tom Ford. He said he got this suit and really liked it but it's just a suit that you'd wear to dinner or something. He said he was all set on the suit but then his friend came over. He said that this friend is an interior designer and gay. He said that he looked at him in the suit and the guy asked ''Is that what you're really going to wear?'' and told him that he looked like a banker.
Howard said that the guy said that he was going to show him what he was going to wear to the wedding. He showed him this wild jacket he was going to wear and told him that he has to do something a little wilder, more Rock and Roll. Howard said that he started thinking that he has to do something a little bit wilder. The guy knows Tom Ford so he said he'd talk to him for Howard.
Howard said that he's sticking with the suit he got even though he thought he was going to do something wilder. Robin said that they're always carrying on about these outfits people wear at these award shows and events like that. She said that guys are always wearing suits and that's fine. You can't change suits that much. Artie said that it's the woman's time to shine and the guys shouldn't try to outshine the chicks.
Howard said that he and Beth lay in bed every night and they talk about watching the Olympics but they never do. He said that they end up watching reality shows instead. He said that they love the Brooke Hogan show, Brooke Knows Best, and they're embarrassed by that. He said that the show is dumb and there's nothing going on but he's watched every episode. He said he's fascinated by it all. Howard talked about the episode they watched last night and how entertained by it they were.
Howard said that he told Beth they had to watch the Olympics so they put that on for a short time. There were too many commercials and it was driving him nuts. Robin said that they should be paying Michael Phelps a ton of money because he's such a draw for the games. She said that they put him on late at night and they do that so you have to watch the whole thing.
Howard said that he was watching the synchronized diving and told Beth that they all had to be gay in that. He said that they all do everything together on the team and it all looks very gay. He said he doesn't know for a fact that they are gay though.
Robin said that the women's volleyball teams all wears bikinis and there is no reason for that. She said that the only reason they have that is because it's hot looking and the guys just hope that something is going to slip out or something.
Howard said that he had to take a break because they have a very busy show today. He said they have this guy coming in to try and get a date with Robin. Then they have Are You Smarter Than an 8th Grader and he has no problem using that name. They have Sal and Bob Levy going up against Gary's son Jackson. He said if they lose to the kid the guys have to wash Gary's feet. They also have Madonna's brother stopping in to talk about his book. That led to the guys talking about how there's a rumor that Madonna wrote the book herself and just put it out under her brother's name. Howard said they have a lot going on so he has to get to it all. He went to break after that.
Robin said he looks kind of like KC. Howard asked him if he wants to date Robin or just fuck her. Mark said that he brought some stuff from a vegan bakery for Robin. Howard said that was nicer than anything Jim ever did for her.
Howard asked Mark about when he lost his virginity and when the last time was he had sex. He lost it at 17 and last had sex about a month ago. Howard asked him if he's working and stuff like that. Mark said that he's a software developer.
Howard asked Mark to make his pitch to Robin now. Mark went on to say that he thinks that they'd have a good time if they went out to dinner. Robin said that he seems to be pretty mature for a 25 year old and she's been around some 25 year olds that she has to run away from.
Howard said that Mark is a white man so he asked if he has ever banged a black woman before. Mark said that he has been with two. Howard asked Mark about the age difference. He told Mark that she's more than twice his age. Howard told him that she's 56 years old now. Howard asked him how old his mother is. He said that she's older than Robin. He said that his mother had him when she was like 37 years old. Howard took about a minute to do the math to figure out that she's 62 years old.
Howard asked Mark how old the oldest woman was that he had sex with. Mark said that she was about 42. Howard told Mark that Robin needs K-Y but Robin cut him off and said that she doesn't need that. She said that there was a time when she did but that was because of her health. Howard said that Robin would be fully wet for him then. Robin said that she might be right now.
Howard asked Mark if he was pleased with Robin's looks. Mark said she looks even better in person than she does on TV.
Howard asked Mark what he would do if Robin just wanted to fuck him but not be seen in public with him. Mark said he could live with that. He said it wouldn't be ideal but he could deal with it. He said he likes Robin's laugh too and that doesn't annoy him. Howard asked Mark if there was anything about her that he doesn't like. Mark didn't have any problems with her at all.
Howard asked Mark if he's turned off to Robin taking coffee enemas. Mark said that he's pretty sure a lot of women do some wacky stuff.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks about Mark. She said he seems like a very nice guy. Robin asked if she has done enough dating on this show. Fred asked if they had asked him how big his cock was. He had stepped out for a moment and wanted to make sure they didn't miss that. Mark said that he's never had any complaints from any women. He said that he has heard a woman say ''ouch'' though. Howard asked if Mark is thick. He said that he is.
Howard asked if Mark a bunch of sex questions and then asked Robin if she likes a load on her chest. Robin said she wasn't going to talk about that. She said that she has taken a load on her chest before. She said that Artie has too though.
Howard asked Mark if he's done anal before. Mark said he has but it's not his favorite thing. He said he can be very accommodating to whatever Robin wants.
Howard asked Robin to give her thoughts on this offer from Mark to date him. He warned Mark that she's 56 years old. He asked Robin if there was anything about Mark that turned her off. Robin said that it's only that he's actually there.
Howard asked Mark what kind of money he's making. Mark said he's making close to six figures. Howard said that he's pretty sure that even Jim wasn't making that kind of money.
Howard asked Mark to show Robin his abs. Mark didn't want to do that and Robin didn't want to see it either. Artie asked the guys to stop asking him to take his shirt off, this is the Stern show.
Howard asked Robin to make her decision. Mark said that he'd like to go out to have some vegan food with Robin. Howard asked Robin if she'd like to take Mark's number or give him her number. Robin said that she'll take Mark's number but she won't give him her number.
Howard said he has the feeling that she'll be calling him. Robin said that he'll never know. Howard told Mark he might just get in with her. He said that Robin has done it all and even went jogging and shit her pants one time. Howard said that by the time he gets done, he'll be in. Howard asked Robin what she's going to do and if she's going to call soon or hold off. Robin was laughing and saying that she may call but she's not promising that she will.
Howard asked Robin if she's going to call him or not. Robin said that she wants to be like Howard and not tell anyone if she's calling people on the show. Robin said that she will call Mark and thank him for being on the show tonight. Howard figures they'll be fucking by the end of the week.
Howard ended up doing an impression of Robin making the call to Mark. He was inviting Mark out to her charity events and stuff like that. He asked Mark to come out with him on Saturday night and Mark agreed with that. Then Artie did his impression of Mark and goofed around with Howard on that for a few seconds.
Howard said that Robin is secretly thanking him for this because he knows she wants to go out with a 25 year old. Artie asked to try one of the vegan cupcakes he brought in. Artie figured it was another name for ''shit cupcake.'' He said it looked gross and there was no icing on it or anything. Artie tried it and said it was awful. Howard let Mark go after that and wished him luck with the date.
Robin said that she has had a 25 year old before. She said she's had a couple of them. She went to the Bahamas one time and had one there. She was around 36 or so back then. She said that guy almost killed her. Howard said that Robin is going to be like a vampire sucking that guy dry.
Howard picked up a phone call from a guy who was claiming that his mother went to school with him. Howard said he wanted to talk to the guy to find out who it was but he wasn't there. Howard put him back on hold and said he won't bore them with that.
Robin asked where Gregg from Howard TV was. Howard asked her if she would pick this Mark or Gregg to bang. Robin said that she knows Gregg better so he has a ''leg up'' on the other guy. Howard asked her who she finds more physically attractive. Robin thought for a moment and said that she would have to choose Mark.
Gary said that Gregg is away on assignment and it's funny that Robin noticed that he's gone because she doesn't even know some people's names there. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Jackson what he listens to. He said he likes that older rock stuff like Pearl Jam, Foo Fighters, the Chili Peppers.
Howard tried to get that guy who claimed his mother went to school with him. Howard tried to get some information out of him but when he heard the name, Howard said that he never went to school with anyone by that name.
Howard said that he mentioned his old neighborhood in Roosevelt and how he'd nuke it if he was President. It made the local news and they talked about what he said. He played the clip and then got back to Jackson.
Howard said that he was that creepy kid that wants to blow up the school every day. Howard asked Jackson if he has black kids in his school. Jackson said they do. Howard said they probably have about 3 and when he went to school he was like the black kids in his school because he was the minority. Jackson said that they have about 10 black kids in a school with about 1000 kids in it.
Howard asked Jackson about all of his friends and told him to imagine what it would be like if they all moved away and all of a sudden the place was full of black kids. He said that he likes black people but the kids didn't like him in school.
Howard asked Jackson about how he's doing in school and stuff like that. Jackson said he has no clue as to what he wants to do with his life at this point. Howard asked him if he wants to be a washed up comedian or anything like that. Jackson said he's not sure.
Howard told Bob Levy and Sal that they were going to be competing against Jackson and they were going to have to wash Gary's feet if they lose to him.
Howard got into the game and told the guys what they were going to be doing. They were getting one point per question. Robin was asking what the rules were even though Howard had just given them out. She may have been distracted thinking about that guy Mark.
Howard told Jackson that his parents have one of the best marriages he's ever seen. Howard asked Jackson if he ever sees them fighting. Jackson said that they do fight but not that much. Howard asked him what they have fought about. Jackson said that they fight about the dog and how his mother takes care of it more than his dad does. Howard asked which one he loves more. Jackson didn't know how to answer that. Howard told him to imagine they were sinking in a boat and pick one to save. Jackson said he can't answer that. Howard let Jackson off the hook on that.
Howard said that Gary has told him about how he doesn't get to pick the chicken he wants at dinner. He said that he thinks that Jackson's mother should let Gary pick the chicken he wants first. Howard said that would be the right order. Jackson said he guesses that would be the right way to do it. Howard said that mommy is wrong then. Jackson was all confused and didn't know how to answer that question. Howard asked Jackson if he would stand for that if he was married and his kids got the pick of the chicken first.
Howard asked Bob Levy about going to high school for 5 years. Bob said that he could have finished it but he would have had to go for another half year and he had enough by then. Howard gave Bob some plugs for some of his upcoming comedy shows. You can find all of those dates at RevBobLevy.com.
Howard said that Bob is fighting Danny Bonaduce on September 13th and he thinks that he's going to lose. Bob said that he wants to bet Howard that he's going to beat Danny because Howard thinks that Danny is going to win. Bob wanted to do a 40-1 bet with him but Howard wanted to do an even bet. Bob said he'd be willing to bet the purse, $6,000, with him.
Bob was saying that he has been working out and training for this fight and he will beat Danny. Howard asked Bob to do some shadow boxing with Sal. Bob wanted to put on some gloves but they didn't have nay there.
Howard said that he loves Bob but he thinks that Danny is insane and he's going to kill Bob. Bob said that he's 46 and Danny is 48 and he thinks that he's going to knock him out.
Gary asked if Bob was willing to swear on the life of his kid that this was a legitimate fight. Bob said that he swears that it is but he won't swear on the life of his kid. Bob said that he's willing to bet Howard the 6 grand but Howard didn't want to take his money. Bob said that he won't be taking his money because he's going to win.
Howard got into the game and read the questions which were:
Howard told the guys that Jackson whipped their butts. Robin said that Jackson just won the opportunity for the guys to wash is father's feet. Howard said he also won $500. Artie wanted to give him something too. He said he was going to pre-order his book ''Too Fat To Fish'' for him.
Howard asked Jackson if he knows that uncle Artie had some heroin problems. Jackson said that he did know that and he learned that he isn't supposed to be like him. He said he was just kidding about that though.
Gary came in to get his feet washed. He said that they were extra stinky today. Will said they smelled awful today. Gary said that he didn't shower this morning and his feet have been sweating.
Sal said he didn't know he had to do that because he wasn't the biggest loser. Then he took his shirt off claiming that he didn't want his shirt to smell like his feet. Bob then started to gag and dry heave when he caught a whiff of the feet.
Sal said that Gary had open sores on his feet. Gary said he had mosquito bites on there. Sal said that it was disgusting because they were open red sores. Gary said he forgot about those. Bob was still dry heaving and almost puking while he was doing it. He asked for someone to just shoot him.
Sal and Bob washed his feet and Bob said he felt like he was at the zoo. Sal was letting out some dry heaves himself. Howard asked Jackson what he thought about that. Jackson said he had never seen people act like that. Gary thanked Jackson because this was thanks to him.
Howard let the guys get in some plugs before he wrapped up and went to break. He wished Bob good luck with that fight against Danny Bonaduce. He thanked Jackson for coming in and said he seems like a fine young man. He said that he's everything that those other guys were not.
Howard asked Jackson what he wants to be when he grows up. Jackson said he hasn't thought about it. Howard congratulated him on the win and asked him if he's into girls yet. Jackson said he is a little bit. He didn't know who the hottest chick out there was though. He doesn't think about that. Artie told Jackson to bet his winnings on baseball.
Howard said that was exhausting. He saw Gary's son Lucas a few seconds later when Gary thought they were going to break. Howard spent a minute talking to Lucas. Gary told the story about how Lucas had asked him about Artie being in rehab. Gary said that Lucas asked him if Artie was getting the help he needs.
Howard asked the kids not to drink around Artie because it's not easy for him to resist. Howard asked the kids what advice they'd give to Artie. Lucas asked Artie what's wrong with him. Artie said that he grew up with black kids and they didn't so he wouldn't know.
Howard said he asked the kids to come in and give him an intervention so that's what he's doing there. Artie told the kids that he dealt with his bad times in life in the wrong way so that's why he's in the position he's in. He said that he got high instead of dealing with his problems. He told the kids to deal with the good and the bad.
Artie told the kids that their bad times are coming in about 3 years when their father is out of work when Howard retires. He also said that the Jets are also going to let them down this season.
Howard said he wanted the kids to see the result of drug use and that's what they're seeing in Artie this morning. Artie told the kids to come to him in 3 years for a loan. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that when you read this book, Life with My Sister Madonna, you feel for Chris because it must be difficult for a guy with a sister that famous. At one point his job was to wipe down his sister's sweaty breasts. Chris said that it was kind of odd back when he was doing that but he got used to seeing his sister naked in the dressing room.
Howard said that Madonna must be aware enough that she shouldn't be asking her brother to wipe down her breasts. Chris said that it was about trust. He said that it feels creepy now but at the time it was kind of natural.
Chris said that Madonna is 2 years older than him and she's always acted the way she acts now. He said that she does piss him off once in a while but he still loves her.
Howard asked Chris if he feels guilty for writing the book. Chris said he doesn't. He said that she's tried calling him since the book came out but he hasn't called her back. Howard said that she must feel betrayed. Chris is that she may but he feels that good things come to people who wait.
Howard asked Chris what he was making when he was working for Madonna. He said he got about $200,000 to help her run her whole show back in about 1993. He said that it was about the work and you had to work hard to get that money.
Howard asked Chris what Madonna is worth. He said it's probably on record somewhere and it could be around $700 million or so. Howard asked if he ever thought that maybe she should just give them a few bucks and change their lives forever. Chris said he did think about that but in the end it wasn't going to happen.
Howard asked if it's fair to say that this book was a bit of a smack in the head. Chris said it was kind of nice to know that she might be squirming a little bit. He said that she probably figured that they'd be able to talk him out of writing the book but it was a personal thing for him and he had to do it.
Chris said that he saw his sister at one of her shows not too long ago and she did dedicate a song to him but didn't mention his name, only saying that her brother was in the audience. The song was one that he had never heard before.
Chris said that he doesn't get to see Madonna's kids. He said that he doesn't think that it's right that the kids aren't allowed to watch TV. He said that her house is loaded up with TVs so it's kind of harsh to do that to them. He said he thinks the kids are going to rebel against her eventually. Howard said the best way to rebel would be to come on this show.
Howard said that if he were Madonna's brother he would just suck up to her left and right. He said that he would want to be in with her and hope that it pays off. Chris said he's been there already and it wasn't that great. Howard asked Chris if he's doing okay financially. Chris said he's doing just fine and does a lot of different things.
Chris told the guys how he was in the right place in his head to do the book. He met an author who did an interview with him and the two of them worked on it together. Howard asked about the rumors that the book was actually written by Madonna and she's doing this for publicity. Chris said that he swears that she had nothing to do with it and he did.
Howard said that Chris wrote about how his sister is the world's worst joke teller and she can't even make herself laugh. Howard said that he almost met Madonna one time when she was at his gym but she doesn't seem to like to meet anyone.
Howard said that Rosie O'Donnell told him a story about going to Madonna's house one time and she was running around topless. Chris said that he thinks that Rosie might be crazy and she may not have seen what she claimed she saw. He said he can't imagine that's true.
Howard asked Chris about Madonna's relationship with Sandra Bernhard. Chris said that he doesn't think that they did anything sexually but they were very close friends. Howard asked if he thinks that Madonna fucks up every relationship in her life. He said that she can do that. He said that she probably hit her 5 year limit with Guy Ritchie.
Howard read that Madonna once charged him 50 cents for a joint one time. Chris said he paid it. Howard asked Chris about their upbringing a bit. They spent a short time talking about that.
Howard asked Chris about Madonna's kids and the way she adopted them. Chris said that he doesn't think it's such a bad thing the way some people do.
Howard asked Chris about Dennis Rodman going out with his sister. Chris told a story about hearing Dennis talking shit about his sister one time and how he went up to him and told him to stop talking shit about her. He said that the guy was like 5 feet taller than him but he told him to stop anyway.
Howard asked about Sean Penn and what that was like. Chris said that there were some police reports filed in that relationship but he kind of liked Sean until he acted up during Shanghai Surprise. He said that they were bound to clash in the end though.
Howard asked Chris about how Madonna had stopped talking to him for a few days after he had put some toilet paper on her costume. Chris said he put it on her and she kind of had a fit about it when she found out.
Howard asked Chris what he would do if he was attacked and needed his sister's help. Chris said he could probably make that call and she would probably help him out. Chris said he has other brothers and sisters he can turn to though.
Dominic called in and asked Chris if Madonna was sexually abused as a child. Chris said that she wasn't and asked why he would ask that. Dominic said that when a mother is lost in a Catholic family the daughter could possibly make her take over that role. Chris said that's not what happened.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what Chris thinks about his sister's British accent. Chris said that one of the bloggers out there said that he would buy the book if he could explain that accent to them. Chris said he thinks that she may have picked it up living over in England. She also wanted to be the lady of the manor too.
Howard asked Chris if his sister has implants. He said he doesn't think so but she may have had a face lift. Howard said that Chris is a homosexual and Madonna's husband was kind of a homophobe and has said some stuff to him. Chris said that he's taken a lot of stuff over the years and he and his buddies just aren't funny when they crack gay jokes. He said that he gave a toast at their wedding and said something about the gay jokes that were going on and it was the last time he was ever asked to give a toast.
Howard asked Chris if he thinks that his sister will get a copy of this interview to listen to what he had to say. Chris said that her publicist may get her a copy.
Howard asked if Madonna does drugs and stuff like that. Chris said that she didn't do anything like that and she was more into working out. Howard asked if he left some stuff out of the book in respect to his sister. He said that the stuff he left out was about his father and his grandmother because it could have hurt them.
Howard asked Chris why he thinks that Madonna didn't stay with JFK Jr. Chris said that she said that it was like having sex with a 10 year old. Howard said he'd be afraid to have sex with Madonna if that's the case. He said that he probably doesn't know what he's doing either.
Chris said that Madonna is a prude at home but Howard didn't believe that. Howard said that JFK Jr. had more tail than anyone and he must have known what he was doing. Chris said that maybe he just didn't like what he had. Artie thought he was saying that he was gay or something. Chris said he wasn't saying that and he never said anything like that. Chris said that he can't tell who is gay anymore and it's driving him crazy.
Howard asked if the lawyers made him take stuff out of the book. Chris said of course they did, that's their job. Howard asked if Madonna has ever had an abortion. Chris said that she did but he left it out of the book because it wasn't relevant to his story. He said that it was pretty well known that she did. He doesn't know how old she was when she had it done though.
Chris said that he misses those days when he was designing her set and the people would cheer when the lights came up. He said that he misses that more than he misses his sister and the shit he had to do. He said he doesn't miss Guy (Ritchie) being a dick to him.
Artie said that Chris' father seems to be a nice guy from what he has seen of him on TV. Chris said that he really is a good guy.
Howard asked Chris who he thinks Madonna has in her inner circle that's just not good for her. He said that it's probably her husband.
Howard gave Chris some plugs and asked if he's been getting laid since the book came out. Chris said that he hasn't really. Howard asked if he has had any celebrities. Chris said that he has had a couple. He said that Demi Moore asked him to do her and he kind of regrets not doing her just to do it. He said he's never had a woman before and he should have done her just to do it. He said there were a few women like that who came on to him like Farrah and Naomi. He said he knows how to treat a woman so that's why they were so interested in him.
Artie asked Chris about his other brothers and sisters and if they're treated the same way as he is. Chris said that they didn't fly the whole family to their wedding but they did pay for some of them. He said that Madonna didn't pay for their sister Paula to go to the wedding. He said that it was kind of unseemly and it kind of set the tone for the rest of the week.
Howard gave Chris some more plugs and wrapped up with him a short time later. They had to go to break after that.
Howard gave Mike a plug for his book ''Get Real!: The Untold Story: Sexy, Scary, Scandalous World of Reality TV!'' and then had him get right into the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve said that they'll have more on Robin and Jim's dating and how their 1 year anniversary was coming up soon.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of stuff they were going to try and cover today.
Howard said that he picked up a girl in a bar one time and when they walked out and got a cab, she started to call the cab driver the N-word. Howard said that he never went home with people he met in clubs. Artie said that was a contradiction to what he and Ralph had said in the past then. Howard said that it was never anyone from a club. Artie said he was lying because that's not what he and Ralph had said in the past. Howard said he's not intentionally lying about it.
Howard said that this chick he picked up was so hot that he had to try and take her home but then she stared using the N-word and he had to bail out on it. Artie didn't even believe that he had ever taken a cab. Howard said of course he's taken a cab.
Howard said that he liked going to the clubs because there were tons of hot chicks there. He said he had a good time with his friends there and there was always the chance that he would meet someone hot and end up with them. It just never happened.
Howard said that he met Beth at a dinner party and that's different than meeting at a club. Artie said that Howard met Carmen Electra at a party out in Malibu one time and that's where he banged her. Howard said that he never banged Carmen. He said that they just showered in bathing suits together.
Robin got into her news and read a story about teen substance abuse. She had a story about Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer breaking up. Artie said that he loves the ads that Jennifer is in now. He said he just wants to fuck the asshole out of her.
Ralph was on the phone so Howard asked him if he ever picked up any chicks at the bars. Ralph said that he's not sure where he met the chicks he was banging. He said it was all a blur to him. Ralph said there was a chicks that they may have both banged. Howard said that he did a lot of things but he doesn't think that he ever picked up any chicks at the bars. Artie said that they have to get their story straight because he doesn't believe them.
Howard said that it was a freaky scene at those clubs and he had no desire to pick chicks up there. Ralph said that Howard was in and out of clubs all the time but he's not sure if he ever picked up chicks. Howard said that he just picked up that one chick who used the N-word. He said that he was taking her home in the cab and he never even said that he was going to take her home to his place. He was taking her to her house and wanted to see what happened in the cab.
Howard said he just wanted to get back to the news and end the show. Robin got back to her news and read that Madonna is not adopting another child. Howard said that Madonna adopting the child that she did adopt was a great thing. He said that she took that kid out of misery and now the kid is going to have a great life.
Robin said that the SS Minnow is back in the water and he'll be taking people out on 3 hour tours to raise money for charity. That led to Howard talking about what a great show ''Gilligan's Island'' was and how it was wrong to think that people doing that show were douche bags. Howard said that he'd like to meet the people who are going on that 3 hour tour, those are the real douche bags. He had to go to break after that.
After the break, around 10:25am, Robin got back into her news and read a story about how the birth control pill can ruin relationships because it throws off women's hormones. Howard said that he would never take a pill like that on a daily basis. He said it's just not right.
Robin asked Howard if he believed that Gary's feet smelled so bad that Bob was retching. Howard said yes to that. Artie was going to out one of his friends for having smelly feet but Howard cut him off and said he can't just blurt out a name like that and say something like that. Artie said the kid would never sue over that but Howard didn't want to find out.
Robin asked Howard when he thinks that life begins. Howard said it's when the baby is born and takes it's first breath. He said that the kid isn't even a real kid until it has a soul and a soul doesn't come for 6 months. Robin said that you know there's a soul there when the child is alive and moving. Robin said that's as soon as the kid is born. Robin read a story about women who have single abortions and how it doesn't cause mental health problems. That led to Fred playing Wendy the Retard clips and Fred the Elephant Boy getting waxed sound clips.
Robin read some news about Cindy McCain being in a cast after having her wrist broken. That led to Howard talking about how dirty and filthy a habit it is. He said that he doesn't like shaking hands but people get pissed at him if he doesn't. He's grossed out by people who stick their fingers up their asses. Robin said that Howard puts his finger up his ass so he should know.
Robin had Howard play some clips of John McCain talking about his wife's wrist getting broken by a fan who shook her hand very vigorously.
Robin had a story about a 3 year old boy who had drowned in a harbor when the wind blew his stroller in. He's just fine even after being in the water for 15 minutes.
Robin read a story about the new movie ''Tropic Thunder'' and had Howard play some audio clips of Ben Stiller talking about directing it. They're having some people complaining about the use of the word ''retard'' in the movie so that led to Howard playing some clips of Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard talking about how they like the word. Wendy said that retarded people won't know they're retarded if they take that word away.
Robin read a story about the new Star Wars movie that's coming out this week. She had George Lucas talking about that so Howard went into his Gammorean Guard impression for a few minutes. Artie got in on that as well.
Robin had some audio of Woody Allen talking about his latest movie and then ended her news. Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Jackson was in the studio so Jon asked him what he thought of the whole thing. Jackson said he wasn't that scared and he thought that those other guys didn't do to well. He said that his dad has talked about Sal and how he's not too bright.
Jon asked Jackson about Howard and what he thinks. Jackson said he likes Howard but he's very talkative. Lucas said that Howard can be a little weird sometimes with his swearing and dirtiness. Gary said that he doesn't hear that stuff. Lucas said that he's heard some of it, trust him. He said that some of the stuff is very racist too. Gary asked Lucas where he heard that word. Lucas said that Howard uses some words right in front of Robin and that's just not right.
Jon asked Lucas and Jackson what they think of Robin. They both really like her. Jon asked them what they think about Sal picking on their Dad. Jackson said he doesn't hear that much of that but he did see the mask of their dad that Sal made. They seemed to be amused by that.
Jackson said that their dad told them not to listen to the show. They were watching DVDs and stuff in the green room and things like that.
Sal came in and said that Lucas was wearing the big Gary lips. Gary said that he didn't know that they were Gary lips, he thought they were just big lips. Sal said that he had a good time hanging out with the kids.
Jon played some audio from the game where Sal screwed up his answers. He asked Sal how he could screw up the math questions. Sal said that it's been a few years since he worked in that Stockbroker field so he's forgotten about that stuff. Sal said that he was under pressure and he kind of forgot that stuff.
That led to the guys asking Sal about the odd number thing and if he knew what odd numbers were. They asked him about the even numbers and if he knew what the definitions were for them. Sal didn't really know but he did know that 11, 13, 15, 17 were odd numbers. Sal kind of understood it but Jackson explained it to Sal himself.
Lucas asked Sal how old he is. Sal said he's 38. Lucas said that it was really sad that they were beaten by one 13 year old and they had better work on it. Lucas said he knew a couple of the answers himself and he probably could have beaten Sal and Bob. He's only in 5th grade.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Jackson what he's going to do with the $500. Jackson said he may look into a new phone. Gary sounded surprised by that. Jackson said he may even give his brother some of the money.
Benjy asked the kids if they get an allowance. They said they do but it's not much. Sal asked the kids what they don't like about their dad. They said that he doesn't take care of the dog very much. They said he's a lot of fun to hang out with though.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked the kids if they both play football. Both of the kids do. The caller said that their dad was worried about that because they didn't seem to be all that into it last year. Lucas said he had a lot of fun last season so he's definitely into it.
Sal said that if they did this game with sports against Howard and him that Jackson could probably beat Howard. Gary told Sal that Jackson would wipe the floor with both of them. Gary and Jon threw out some questions for Sal to answer and he was able to answer a couple.
Ralph called in and asked the kids if Gary ever embarrasses them when he brings them out. He said that all kids are like that. Jackson said that his dad used to walk him into the school and that was just wrong. He said that he doesn't do that anymore. Lucas said he likes it a lot when his dad drops him off. He said that it's usually his mom. Ralph wanted to know if he ever embarrasses him though. Lucas didn't have any complaints.
Sal asked the kids if Gary farts in front of them. Jackson said he does do that but just at home. Gary said that Jackson's friends all come over and they all hang out watching baseball and stuff so they get along pretty good.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked the kids if their dad runs around the house wearing an apron cleaning up the house. Jackson said that he doesn't wear an apron but he does clean up. Sal asked the kids if they miss those days when Gary would take a bath with them. Jackson said he barely remembers that.
Benjy asked the kids if there are people that their dad talks about that annoys him a lot. Gary said that Lucas love Benjy and likes to see him doing stuff on TV.
Sal asked the kids who wins the arguments when their parents fight. Jackson said they usually both just walk off. Sal wanted to know who was louder and more dominant. Lucas pointed to Gary. Someone asked if Gary spanks them so Jon cut them off then and said they were getting too deep into this stuff.
Jon went to the phones again and one guy asked if Gary has to go to the guys and ask them not to curse. Gary said that Howard knows how to handle it. He said that Sal came to him and pointed out something funny. He said that Howard could host one of those shows where kids say the strangest things.
Another caller told Gary that the kids need more of a racist influence in their life. Sal asked the kids if they like the racists jokes they hear in school. Jackson said that they are kind of mean but they don't offend him really. Jon went to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary if they're still going to do Mammary Lane shows because ''Best of the Week'' sucks. Gary said that some people like Best of the Week. He said that people like to hear that block where they can just hear the best of the week.
The caller also asked the kids why they don't save the good chicken for their dad. Gary said that this was getting out of hand and his wife just thinks that the kids should eat first. Lucas said he thinks that his parents should eat first. Jackson kind of agreed with him on that.
Jon brought up Mark, the guy who wanted to date Robin. Jon asked if Gary thinks he thinks Robin was interested in that guy. Gary said that she may have been embarrassed to say so but she could be. He said that maybe she'll call the guy and go out with him. He thinks it would be awesome if she did.
Benjy said that he thinks Robin will call the guy. He thinks that Mark is going to have to pursue it and go after her though. Gary said that Mark is going to have to drop everything and get right over to her if she calls him.
Sal said that Robin has made it clear that she wants to dip into some younger territory so maybe she will go there. Sal said that Robin has done some crazy things and she likes to have fun so maybe she'll go out with the guy.
Jon asked Sal how crazy he thinks Robin gets off the air. Sal said that everyone has their dark side and she may go to some crazy places. Gary said that he hopes that she doesn't have a dark side like Sal's dark side.
A caller told Gary that he thinks that he's a great dad from what he can tell. He said he hopes that his kids grow up and sound that cool when they're 13 years old. He asked Gary what his secret is.
Gary said that he and his wife have been on the same page about stuff so that really helps. Gary said that his father always talked to him at the level that he was at and never treated him like a little baby so that probably helps. The caller said that he likes to get advice from good parents and he was getting goose bumps talking to Gary about this stuff.
Jon said that kids are very smart and they pick up on everything. He said you can't patronize them because they know what's going on. Sal said that you have to let the kids know that you care and not patronize them. He said that if anything his kids patronize him.
Benjy said that Sal and Gary seem like they're really good parents and really care. He said that Sal may be heading into the roughest part of his marriage now that this whole wedding thing came down. Sal said that his wife was in his corner when he told her about what was going on yesterday. He said that he hasn't felt that from her in a long time. Sal said that she may be disappointed in him because he does this stuff year after year.
Gary said that Sal went to a New Year's Eve party one time and pulled the plug on the TV at the last second of the count down. Sal said that he jumped in front of the TV and yelled ''Happy New Year!'' and no one laughed or anything. Sal said that people will remember that for a long time to come.
Benjy asked Sal if he and his wife say they love each other. Sal said that it has become a quick ''Love ya'' as they're saying goodbye. He said that it's not the same as it was years ago. Gary said that they're in the business of raising their kids so that's probably why it's like that now.
Sal said that when he goes home he wants someone in his corner so it's nice to have his wife give him a hug and say she knows how he's feeling. Benjy asked if Sal thinks he'd be together with his wife if his kids were out of the house and grown. Sal said he hopes that he would be.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what happened to the family values and serving dinner to the guy who is out busting his hump every day. Gary said that his wife is taking care of the family in every other way too. The caller said that's part of life though and that's the decision they make when they have kids. He said he doesn't see anything so wrong with that. The caller was also saying that a good smack on the ass once in a while can't hurt either.
Gary said that his dad never hit him and he never hits his kids. He said that it's a humiliating thing to hit the kids. Sal said that he got the shit kicked out of him a lot when he was a kid and that's why he doesn't agree with hitting the kids. He said that he thinks that all kids got the shit beat out of them when he was growing up. Gary said that he had teachers hit him and these days you can't get away with that.
Sal said that he had a teacher that flipped him over, threw him against a wall and grabbed his neck. He said that he didn't even do anything wrong. Then Sal told the story and said that he was joking around and asked a question that the teacher had just said they didn't need to ask.
Gary said that he had a pool in his school and they had this tall guy who was in charge of the pool. One of the kids had some marijuana in the locker and the tall guy took the kid and started to drown this kid. He said the guy did that for about 2 or 3 minutes and threatened to kill the kid if he ever brought weed in again.
Sal said that he got beaten up by this pool guy who had one of those nets. He said that the guy was yelling at him and hit him and threw stuff at him. Gary said that one day they should just take phone calls about stuff like that.
A caller asked Gary about bringing the kids on the show when Howard has talked about Denise Richards putting her kids on a reality show. Gary said that this show is much different than a reality show because they're not showing their lives, they're on for one day and not for that long.
Another caller asked Sal if he thinks that he's staying together with his wife because of their kids. Sal said that they have a lot to do with it. He said that he and Christine get along well enough that they can stay together and he still loves her. The caller said that sometimes staying together can make things worse. Sal said that they don't fight in front of the kids. Gary said that the kids can tell when something is wrong though and you can't always hide that stuff from them. Sal said that things are going pretty good and he will leave if he thinks that they're making things worse.
Jon said that things can get worse if you stay together. The kids could end up resenting the parents because they don't get along. Gary said that it seems that Sal and Christine are working things out and they are getting along.
Sal said that he found out about this half-brother that he had and the guy was saying that it was tough growing up without a father and he was saying just the opposite himself.
Benjy said that he thought the guy was a little bitchy. Gary said that he did seem to have a bit of a swagger but he wasn't put off by it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he found Chris to be a little bitchy too and found it annoying that he was wondering why Madonna doesn't just give him like 5 million bucks. Jon said that Madonna is very well off but she's got 6 brothers and sisters and she can't just enable them by giving them money.
Gary talked about the fake Madonna's sister that they had on the show many years ago. She was calling herself Paula Ciccone but when she came in they knew that they had the wrong woman on the show. Benjy didn't remember her so the guys filled him in on the details. They had to end the show a short time later.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 2:15pm.