|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started off the show talking about how there's still no merger and his father was going on a rant about that over the weekend. He said that his father read something about the merger and how one of the FCC commissioners was saying that they should put more conditions on the merger. That drove him nuts. Howard said that they're trying to put price freezes on the service for 6 years and things like that.
Howard said his father had a whole bunch of shit to say about the whole thing. He said he's furious about the whole thing but he doesn't want to go on the air about it because he thinks that he's going to incense the FCC. Howard said that he was saying that he'd send crazy karma into the air if he did that.
Howard said that this movie must have started at 2:30 in the morning if it was letting out at 5:15. He can't imagine who is going to see a movie at 2:30 in the morning. Artie said that maybe it's bartenders and waiters going to see it. Howard said that he won't go to see a movie at 2 in the morning.
Artie said that he used to go to late night movies when he was working jobs where he was up late. They weren't at 2 in the morning but they were pretty late at night.
The guys talked about the movie a little more and some of the rumors going around about Heath Ledger. There was a story about Jack Nicolson warning Heath that he could go to a really dark place if he played that part that Artie had heard.
Artie said that he thinks that it makes the fans feel different about a show when they see stuff like that going on. That led to Robin talking about how terrible it is when a band member talks about the others in a negative way like Don Felder did last week. The bands do something so incredible together and then you find out that stuff.
Howard read a story about High Pitch Eric being charged with larceny after allegedly using a friend's Discover card to charge some stuff for himself. The guys all took a guess at who it was and both Artie and Robin got it right before Howard even read Eric's name. That led to the guys talking about Eric and how they've heard stories about him doing stuff like that in the past.
Howard said that this is pretty intense. He said that they've talked to Eric about this before and they warned him that he was heading toward getting into some trouble if he kept that up.
Howard read an article about the merger and how much money it's cost XM and SIRIUS so far. They've been waiting for over 16 months now waiting for an answer on it and they still don't have one. He said there's nothing complicated about the merger and they should have given them an answer a long time ago.
Howard said his father was talking about how this is almost like communism. Howard said that he has to applaud the NAB for doing such a good job at delaying this decision. He said that they're doing a great job at creating communism in this country as well.
Howard read that the NAB made a comment about the amount that the two companies have spent on this merger so far. They were talking about how they spend huge amount of money on things and this shows what they're willing to do to create this monopoly.
Howard read the story that talked about the winner of this online vote. He said that the guy that won is some guy by the name of Dr. James Dobson. Now he's in a radio hall of fame. Howard said he's never heard of this Dobson guy and he doesn't know of anyone who does know him. Artie said that he's heard of him but only because he worked with a guy who listened to him.
Gary said that they had the guy's bios if he wanted to read them. Howard read about Art Bell getting some votes too and inducted into the radio hall of fame. Howard said that Art bell is that nudnik who claims to have seen UFOs. Artie said that would be like Riley Martin getting nominated into the hall of fame.
Howard read through the article and mentioned another name which was Charlie Tuna. Howard said that he went through a training process back when he was starting out and he used to hear this guy doing a Charlie Tuna imitation because he wanted to be like that guy. That's when he first heard of this Charlie Tuna guy.
Artie said that he went to the Connecticut School of Broadcasting and he knew a guy who wanted to be called ''Rich Parent'' and he was going to live off this one bad joke that he had about how everyone wanted to have a ''Rich Parent.''
Artie asked if someone like Phil Hendry is in the radio hall of fame. Howard said he didn't know. He read through the note he got from them about the voting that went on and how they were sorry to report that he didn't make it into the hall of fame. Howard said that they sent him a letter that he lost. Howard said that he doesn't care that he wasn't nominated to be in this thing.
Howard had Art Bell's bio and read through that. He also had some notes about a guy he had heard about when he was growing up. That guy is dead now but they're letting him in. He talked about Howie Carr who he had never heard of. They had something about and another dead guy Bob Collins. They had Mickey Luckhoff and Charlie the Tuna.
Artie said that what the letter should have said is that even though Howard is the most famous radio guy who generates the most money in the industry, they're not going to let him into the radio hall of fame.
Howard read some other notes about the various guys who were nominated to get inducted and wondered if the one religious guy pays to get on the air. He said that guys like that do have to pay to be on the air.
Howard said that he will survived this whole mess. He said that if he had won, he probably would have thrown up. He said it would almost be like him writing a letter to Charlize Theron and telling her that he's never going to fuck her and she has no chance of ever getting him. Artie said then he'd tell her that she was turned down with people like Shirley Hemphill and some other ugly women.
Artie said that he already sent his ''no'' to them and he's already sent in a check to their charity. He said that he sent in like $1,500. Howard said the sad thing is that they may never know how much he sent because they usually just get a card saying that a donation was made. Artie said that now people will know what he sent because people read MarksFriggin.
Artie said that he'd like to know who he's inviting to his wedding. Howard said that he's going to have a wedding before he has the party for his friends. He said that Mark Consuelos is going to marry them at his wedding for their friends. Mark won't be there for the family celebration. Howard said that Mark is very serious about marrying them and he's even done some counseling with them before the wedding.
Howard said he thinks that's going to be fun. He's going to have a couple of people sing at the wedding. Phoebe Snow and someone else may be there but Gary wasn't sure if she was going to work out. Howard said that it would be Natalie Maines if she can make it. He said that he knows her now and actually ended up on vacation with her one time. He said that he digs that chick. Gary reminded Howard that Pat Monahan may sing as well.
Howard said that he saw Jon Bon Jovi's wife recently and she was saying that Jon may be singing at the wedding. Howard said he had no idea about that and figured that Gary must have spoken to him about it. Gary told him that he didn't say anything to him. Howard said that he doesn't care if Jon doesn't sing but it would be nice. He told Gary not to bother him with that though.
Robin wondered where this mark Conseulos fiasco is going to be happening since they're going to be sitting down to have this party at some restaurant or something. Howard said that maybe Robin should just stay home. He said that he's got to worry about her dietary needs already.
Howard said that he has to lose a few pounds because he's actually put on a few pounds. He said that he actually gains weight the more he works out. He said that sometimes he can not work out and lose weight.
Howard said that Beth has been working out training for the New York City Marathon. He said she goes out and jogs really early on the weekends so she can beat the heat. Then she waits for him to wake up to go out and run some more.
Artie said that he had some gigs this weekend at Caroline's and the shows sold out and they raised a lot of money for the teacher who lost her job after she was on Howard's show. He said it was a benefit show for her. She lost her job just for wearing a bathing suit on the show.
Howard said he heard that the new Miss Howard TV, Shawn Carla, showed up to Artie's show the other night. Artie said that she did show up and she brought a hot chick with her. Artie said that the audience was telling her to blow him and fuck him when they saw that she was there. He said that he didn't get anything off of her that night but they may go out when she gets back from a trip she's going on. Artie said that he got both of that chick's numbers so he's got her mobile number now.
Artie said that he got to meet Graig Nettles at a show a while back and then the other night at his comedy show Graig showed up to say hi to him again. Artie had used his name to stay under when he was out in Las Vegas. Artie said that Graig was really cool because he saw his picture outside of Caroline's and just stopped in to say hi. He said that the younger kids in the audience didn't know who he was which was kind of sad.
Artie said that Graig was on the 77 and 78 Yankees and he was a great fielder. He said that he had a great World Series in 78 and he made some great plays during that series. Howard said that he's such a great guy that if Artie blew him, it wouldn't even be a gay experience.
Joey said that he's not sure that he wants Eric in his apartment now that he's heard that story. Howard wondered if Eric is retarded. He said that the guy must not know how much trouble he's going to be in for this. Joey said that the guy was a big friend of his and he still ripped the guy off. The guy let Eric use his apartment when he was between apartments. Joey said that Eric is a piece of shit and he wants to distance himself from the guy now.
Eric the Midget was on the phone so he picked up on him. He didn't say anything though so Howard had to help him out a little bit and asked him to talk. Eric went on to say that people should retract their statements about High Pitch betting better than him. Eric said that there are some people who have said that. No one in the studio knew who said that though.
Joey said that Eric has tried to rip off Johnny Fratto too though. He said that he was trying to rip off Johnny for 8 grand but ended up with like 300 bucks.
Fred said that High Pitch ripped off a guy for 3 grand while Eric the Midget was trying to get 8 grand from Johnny. He said that Eric is worse than High Pitch if that's the case. He may not have gotten the money but he did try.
Artie pointed out that the Yankees killed the As in their series. Eric said ''yeah, whatever'' and called Artie some names. Everyone was calling everyone else names at that point. Joey was going off on Eric, Eric was going off on Artie, Artie was going off on Eric.
Howard wrapped up with Joey and said goodbye to all of them. Joey was wondering if he should go through with the new Craptacular with High Pitch. Artie wondered if either one of them could crap out Eric the Midget's weight. Howard wondered if Eric has normal sized shits or if he shits out pellets. Eric claims that he has normal sized doody.
Joey was saying that High Pitch Eric was using that money that he stole to go to comedy shows. That led to them talking about Eric going to Artie's show in Baltimore and Artie paying Eric 200 bucks to go out on stage to say hi. That led into Howard playing the prank call that Eric made to a pharmacy asking for twat cream.
Gary came in and told Howard that Steve Langford did a report about High Pitch where he pretty much admits to doing all of that stuff. Howard played that clip where Eric admits that he used the card and he was sorry for doing that to his friend. Then Eric won't be talking to the guy anymore and that's it.
Howard said that Eric is the most honest criminal for admitting to doing that stuff. He said that's why he thinks that he's retarded. The guys talked about how he must have something going on because he can hold down a job and his animals are able to stay alive. He must know what he's doing with some stuff.
Howard said that he loves that you can go to see a movie in Florida at any time and not have a full house. Artie said that he won't wait in line to go see something like ''You, Me and Dupree'' but maybe something like Batman. He said that going to a theater can ruin a movie too. He said that he's rented a movie that he saw in the theater and loved it on DVD but not in the theater.
Howard said that he still likes Spider-Man, the first one, the best out of the super hero movies. Wolfie disagreed with that. He said that he can't believe that one is better than Iron Man and the Dark Knight. Howard said that he still loves Spider-Man 1 and 2.
Howard said that number 3 would be Iron Man, and then X-Men at number 4. He said that number 5 would be the first Superman with Christopher Reeve. He said that the Dark Knight might be in that range though. He said that this Batman was better than the one with Jack Nicolson. He said that he'd have to put the Dark Knight around number 6.
Howard said that he loved this movie and he will see it again. Robin said that her list has been completely mixed up after seeing Iron Man and The Dark Knight. Robin said that she loved the first Bat Man movie. She said that she's thinking about moving this new Dark Knight to number one but Iron Man might be right up there too.
Howard said he saw a trailer for Watchmen on the internet and it looks wild. He said that might be a new contender. That led to him talking about the new Star Wars animated movie that's coming out this summer. He said that George Lucas has to quit with this stuff and give up on making the movies. He said that it looks like it's going to be awful too.
Howard asked Wolfie what his list of super hero movies was. He said that Iron Man, Batman 2, Spider-Man 3, the Batman that Tim Burton did and then Superman with Chris Reeve would be his top movies.
Another caller said that he liked Robo Cop and Dark Man. Howard said that he needs to watch those again. He asked Gary to get them for him. Robin said that if that's the case then he should watch The Matrix again too because that was great.
The caller asked why they cast the female leads so bad in these super hero movies. They talked about Maggie Gyllenhaal and some of the others that have played those roles. Howard said he thinks they're going for more of a realistic type of thing in the movies and that's why they cast those women who aren't that hot.
Howard said that there's no way that Bruce Wayne would look at Maggie Gyllenhaal for a second time. He said that he's not sure what happened to Katie Holmes either and ended up talking about her for a short time. Howard said that she looks very odd now and that must be from her hanging out with Tom Cruise.
Howard talk about some of the other women who have played the leads in these super hero movies and how they just don't belong. He said that Maggie's brother, Jake, is a hotter chick than she is. He said that if this trend continues, Batman's next girlfriend is going to be Whoopi Goldberg.
Howard said that in the past Batman used to wear a utility belt but in this latest movie he didn't have one on. He was pulling stuff out of his suit but not from a belt.
The caller asked Howard what he thinks about Terminator 4. Howard said that he's looking forward to that. He said that they actually show the war in that one. They don't have Arnold Schwarzenegger in that one though. Howard said he's not needed from what he's seen. Howard said that the movie shows that the war is not what the kid was expecting and that's what they show in that one. He said he has high hopes for that movie.
The caller asked if Howard thinks that they've had too many super hero movies this year. Howard said there can't be too many. He said he hasn't even seen The Hulk yet. Robin said that he hasn't seen Hancock either. That led to Artie doing his Butt-head impression and laughed at ''Hancock.'' Howard talked about some of the other super heroes that DC and Marvel used to come out with and how they used to rip each other off.
Howard said that he loved the character Daredevil but they ruined that whole franchise. He said that the comic books were great but they fucked it up so bad that they should shoot the guy for doing what he did to him. He said he should be put up on trial over it.
Howard said he loved the Blade movie too and then asked for the guys to shove that into his top 5... or maybe not. He said he always wanted these characters made into movies and now they're actually doing it. He said he loves that they do this shit because he won't go to see Mama Mia or anything like that. The caller told Howard that Pierce Brosnan is in that movie. Howard wondered if he's playing James Bond in Mama Mia.
The caller asked Howard a question but his phone kept breaking up. Howard asked the guy what kind of phone he's on. The guy asked again what he would do if Beth wanted to postpone his wedding. Howard said that he'd rather not be like Yucko and he'd be okay with it if she wanted to postpone it.
The guys asked him if he would break up with her if she embarrassed him like that. Howard said that he probably wouldn't. He had to think about that for a few seconds.
Howard said that when he's around hot chicks he asks himself if he'd want to fuck them. He said that he does but then he thinks that he'd rather be with Beth and puts that out of his mind.
The caller asked Howard to do the show for an hour as his mother. Howard said that he's not sure if he could keep that up for an hour. He tried out what it might be like if he did that with Daniel Carver though. He created the conversation with her and Daniel and said he won't be doing that. He let the caller go and then played a prank call the guys made to a gay phone sex line using Howard talking as his mother.
Howard said that his mother is getting all dolled up for his wedding thing and it's not even going to be that fancy. He said that he blessed his father's shirt and said it was fine. He doesn't even have to wear a tie. Howard said his father is super organized and his mother is driving him nuts. He said that the guy is almost 90 years old and he's being dragged to the store to get new shirts.
Howard said that his mother used to take him out shopping and would buy him slacks and stuff. He said that he would never buy that stuff on his own and she'd help him out. He said that she would pick out the ugliest slacks that were a red color.
Howard said that he was starting a job when his mother helped him get those slacks. He talked about how he lied on his resume to get that job. He said he claimed that he was a math major but that wasn't true. He spent a few minutes talking about that and how he could make a resume something out of nothing. They had to go to break after that.
Howard asked Daniel if he's still a member of the KKK. Daniel said that he's a lifetime member so of course he's in it. He said that they don't go around hanging people or anything. He said that they do have dues that he has to pay. He said that he's not a grand dragon anymore because he's getting too old for that stuff. Daniel said that the dues are his time that he puts in. He doesn't have to give any money.
Howard found out that Daniel is part Indian so they pointed out that they're pretty dark skinned. Howard said he's going to write a letter to the KKK and get him kicked out if that's the case. Daniel said that they were the ones who found out that he was part Indian when they did a DNA test on him. Howard had forgotten about that.
Howard said that the reason they're calling him today is because they want to know who he would back for President. Daniel doesn't usually vote because he doesn't believe that it would make a difference. Then he started to spew some bible crap and how God may just put Obama in the White House and that's going to curse us and ruin this country.
Daniel said there's nothing they can do about it if God wants to put him in there. He said that of course he's going to vote for McCain. He said that it won't matter if God wants Obama in office though. Howard asked if he ever thought he'd see this day that a black man could get into office. Daniel said that he never thought he'd see it when a black person could drink from the same fountain as a white person.
Howard asked Daniel what he would do if McCain took Joe Lieberman, a Jew, as Vice President. Daniel said he won't vote at all if that's the case. He said that he won't vote for no nig*er or a Jew. He said that he can't vote for either.
Howard asked Daniel what's going to happen if a black man is elected President. Daniel said that this nation will turn into a third world country based on what he's read in the bible. He said that it's going to be a curse that God is going to put on us for not following his rules. He said that's what the Mexican's are to this country and that's why they're invading this country.
Howard said that this Obama makes a lot of sense to him but Daniel said that he makes about as much sense as Martin Luther King. He said that Martin Luther King didn't write his own speeches and Obama isn't writing his own either. Daniel was saying that a black person can mate with a monkey and have babies with them. He said that he's read that stuff in National Geographic magazine. Howard said he didn't know that. Daniel said that every black baby is like a little monkey.
Howard asked Daniel when he became so vicious. He said that he had become kind of nice the last couple of times he was on. Daniel said he hasn't changed, he's just telling it like it is.
Howard said that when Stalin was running Russia he tried to mate humans with monkeys but it turned out it didn't work. Daniel said that it does work and he's read about it. Howard said that he'd like to see that article.
Howard said that this Obama thing must be a big blow to him. Daniel said that it is and he would have voted for Hillary if she had gotten the nomination. He said he didn't like Hillary but it would have gotten Bill back. He said he wasn't a fan of Bill's either but he's better than the two that are running now.
Howard said that maybe this is a good sign for this country. He said that it would show that we can all get along. Daniel said that it's going to be another one of those curses that God puts on us for not following his rules.
Howard said that Daniel never expected this and asked him if he'd prefer a Jew over a black guy. Daniel said that he'd rather have the monkey over the devil, yes. Howard said that it's very interesting that he and his wife are bonded in that hate that they have for these people. He asked if his wife still keeps her black dolls segregated from the white ones. Daniel said that of course she does. He said that everything should be segregated from cows to clothing.
Howard said that he dated a black woman. Daniel said that just proves that he's the devil. Howard said that he even had sex with black people. Daniel asked him if he threw up. Howard joked that he did but that was a fluke.
Howard said that there are a lot of black people out there who are better educated than Daniel. Daniel said that Robin isn't intelligent and she looks like Whoopi Goldberg. Daniel continued to throw out the racial stuff and goofed on Robin a bit.
Howard wrapped up with Daniel and was about to let him go. Artie asked where his wife was. Daniel said that she was at home and he was at work. He said that's what White people do, they work. Howard told Daniel that Robin is dating a white guy, Jim Florentine. Daniel said that guy is a nut. Artie agreed with him on that.
Daniel said that Robin is going to hell for doing that. Artie told Daniel that he's been with a black woman as well. He told Daniel that he's Italian and not black or a Jew. Daniel said they like Italians and even have some in the Klan.
Daniel said that he rode in a car with Artie's mother on their last day at K-Rock. Artie said that he had forgotten about that. He said that his mother and sister rode in a cab with Daniel because they weren't able to get a ride. He said that he's got a picture of the two of them with Daniel and they're smiling like they were meeting a celebrity. They had to wrap up with Daniel a short time later. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said that he was thinking about the song that Don Felder did last week. They recut the song so that Artie isn't singing in it now. Robin said that's going to kill him when he finds out. Fred said that Artie was really into it and he's going to be bummed when he finds out.
Howard said that a caller to the Wrap Up Show last week claimed that the song ''Hotel California'' had some licks ripped off from some Jethro Tull song. Howard played the song that the guy claimed they ripped off. Howard said that Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull said that it could have been something subconscious and their song wasn't a popular song and the Eagles song was. The guys went through that for a minute talking about that.
Artie came in so Howard broke the news to him that Gary had recut the song so he wasn't in it anymore. Artie said that he thought he was supposed to sing because that's what Don asked them to do. He said he was trying to imitate Joe Walsh doing the song when he was doing air guitar. He said he would have shut up if he had known that he was too loud in it.
Howard played the version of the song that Artie sang along with and then the cleaned up version. Artie said that he was having fun with it. Artie also said that song was really brilliant when you think about it.
Howard had to fast forward through the song to get to Artie's part. Artie didn't think it was awful. Don told them that they were very good. Artie said he thinks they were overreacting and he wasn't that bad.
Howard said that they had the new version where they cut almost all of him out. He played that one and let the whole song play through instead of fast forwarding through it. Artie is still in the song but they cut out a good portion of his singing.
Howard said he loved that. He said the song was great to watch and he always thought you needed two guys to play it but he did it all alone. Fred said that some of the guitar playing was on the tape. He doesn't fault him for that because he did play the double to the tape. Howard said it was a lot of fun to see that. Artie said that Don has changed since those days when he had the hippie thing going on. He looked more like a CEO when he came in there.
Howard said that he heard that Don's book went up pretty high on the Amazon.com best seller list after he did the show. Gary wasn't sure what number it shot up to but it went up pretty high.
Howard read some feedback about Don Felder. One guy said he almost jizzed himself hearing that song. There were some others who loved the interview. One person said that they have heard stories about Don Henley being a rude asshole when he goes out to eat.
Artie said that he didn't make it to the Eagles show down at the Borgata over the weekend. He said he heard that it was a great show though.
Ralph called in and said he likes the version of that song where Artie ruins it. He said that he thinks that they should raise his voice even higher in that song.
Howard said that he was reading a book about The Munsters over the weekend. He said he learned that the Munsters had a bunch of pets. They had Spot the dragon that lived under the steps. They also had a raven that popped out of their clock. He asked the guys if they knew that bird's name. No one knew so Howard told them that it was Charlie the Raven. Howard said that the voice of the bird was actually Mel Blanc. Artie guessed at that one and got it right.
Howard said the book had a lot of interesting facts about the people in the show. He said that he should really give the guy a plug for the book.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Artie has been talking too much since he got back from Afghanistan. She also got in a plug for her show that's coming on tonight at 7 on Howard 101. Artie told her that there's not a chance in hell he's going to listen to that. Mariann said that she wanted to talk to Scott Greenstein on her show and she'd like to know what's going to happen over the next 5 years. Artie said that her questions sound like the dumbest ones ever.
Artie said that he kind of likes Mariann in a weird way but her questions are just dumb. Mariann said that she wants to try and break out with this show of hers and she'd like some help there. Mariann said that she will be live tonight on Howard 101. Howard said that she kept hocking him for a show so he finally gave her one and now she's just going to take phone calls. Artie said that he doesn't think that the fans are going to be calling her.
Howard said that he had a lot of stuff to play. They also have a guest coming in later who went to jail for 30 years for something that he didn't do.
Howard said that Jimmy Fallon has announced that he's going to be taking over for Conan O'Brien when he leaves NBC. In the mean time Jimmy is going to be practicing his show on the web. Howard said that he would like to tell Jimmy not to do that because it's going to ruin the show if he does. Howard said that Jimmy is going to do that for 6 months and if it sucks, NBC might have second thoughts about it and may just cancel him before he starts.
Howard said that you don't put the rehearsals on the air. Robin said that she thinks that Jimmy is ready to do a show and he's going to put it on the internet. Artie said that it may not look professional and it won't come off very well.
Jon Hein came in and said that he saw an article about that and Jimmy is just going to be doing sketches and not interviews and stuff. He said it would just be elements of the show and not the full show. Howard said that might be okay.
Crazy Alice called in and said that she wanted to say hello to everyone since she hasn't called in a lot lately. She said hello to Fred and then Artie. She said that Artie scared the shit out of her by going over to Afghanistan.
Alice was also saying that she wants to go to Richard's parents house for the Wack Pack Thanksgiving. Howard didn't know what she was talking about at first. He quickly mentioned that Howard TV had filmed the new Beat the Booey series.
Alice said that she's got a guy that she's been dating lately too. The guys sounded surprised when they heard that. Alice said that she's kind of like Artie when it comes to relationships. She said that she's attracted to white guys and lets them get into her pussy or something like that. Howard let her go a short time later.
Robin said that Riley makes it sound like he dropped everything to do this one hour a week show. She said that he must have been doing something before he started doing that show.
Howard played another clip where Riley went off on an e-mailer for going off on him about treating Howard the way he does. Riley's partner, Eron, read him the e-mail and then Riley got all worked up and went off on SIRIUS for not paying him enough. He was saying that he'd like to be paid the amount that Howard spends on his hair and he'd be happy. That made Artie laugh and suggest that Howard actually pay him what he spends on his hair because it's probably less than he's being paid now.
Howard played the prank call the guys made using Riley clips where he just says hello to a bunch of different names and confuses the guy he's calling. Artie said that he has to have that call on CD and he has to listen to it every day.
Howard said that he thought they had a new one from the guys this morning but couldn't remember. Artie said that they did play that ''parting the hairs'' prank call but that was an older one.
Howard said that the guy who was supposed to be coming this morning wasn't there and he might have to call it off if he shows up. Gary said he's thinking that he may not show up today.
A caller asked if they ever learned if Eric the Midget ever lost his virginity. Howard said he thinks that he's still a virgin.
Howard said that Richard Christy ended up getting a massage and he sent him pictures of something weird. He said that he was asked to get his penis moulded and some dude was doing the mould and it was really creepy. Howard said that Richard has to be gay because he was hard in the mould. Richard said he was soft when he had that done.
Richard said that maybe he chubbed up a little bit because he was afraid it was going to look small. He said that the guy wasn't doing the rubbing on it either, he was doing most of it. He said he was doing the guy a favor and didn't plan to have a guy making a mould of his penis.
Richard said that he went to get a massage too and the guy kept hitting his balls. He thinks it was by accident but Howard told him that it's gay stuff and he just doesn't realize it. Howard said they should make a movie about him called the ''Accidental Homosexual.''
Howard heard that Richard drank 3 bottles of Champagne last Thursday night. Richard said that he did but that's not that much for him. He said he can handle a lot more than that.
Ralph called in and said that Richard must have been really excited because that stuff they moulded him with is ice cold. He said that it's not warm like Richard said. Richard said that he didn't want to look small so he just chubbed it up a little bit.
Benjy said that the reason they did that mould was to make sure that when the fans saw it, they'd recognize it as being Richard's cock since it's been on Howard TV so much.
Dominic said that he had a storm blow through at his house out on Shelter Island so he had to go up on the roof. He said that he went up on the roof to check something out and he ended up falling through the roof. He said that he hurt his knee pretty bad. Artie said that he once put his foot through an attic floor into the ceiling below but he didn't fall through.
Howard asked Dominic what happened on his roof. Dominic said that he was crawling on the roof and heard some creaking. Then he fell through the roof but got stuck half way through. He said that he was stuck for about 10 minutes and a bunch of people saw him stuck and told him to get down from there. Dominic said that it was hysterical. He said he never fell all the way through the roof.
Artie asked why he would go up there because he's got money and he's 63 years old. Dominic said he was just inspecting the roof for damage because he had just had it redone recently.
Howard thanked Dominic for the story and then Artie told another story about working on some roof out in Bedminster, New Jersey. He said that the doctor that owned the place asked them to be careful in the attic working to do the antenna wires up there. Artie said he did his thing in the attic and then had to connect the wall plate up there. The owner went up there to inspect their work and fell through the attic floor and stepped through the ceiling himself after he had asked them to be careful. Artie said he held his tongue but wanted to say something to the guy because he was so cocky. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back singing along with the song a little bit. He said he knew the words to the song actually. He sang some of that for Robin and said he loves that song. Robin said she didn't know it that well. Howard wondered if the song was dirtier than he thought it was.
Howard read a story about a county commissioner's meeting in some town in Texas. He said that one guy was arguing about how the speeding tickets was turning into a ''black hole'' and one of the guys said that was a racist term. They argued that it wasn't because it was a scientific term. Howard had some audio of the meeting and of this black guy arguing about it being a racist term.
Howard said that a black hole is a star that has collapsed upon itself and it's not a racist term. The guy in the meeting asked for an apology after hearing the ''black hole'' reference. Howard played the audio of the meeting and then the black guy who demanded the apology. The guy said that the scientists could have called it a ''white hole'' and didn't understand why everything black is negative.
Howard said that this is fuckin' absurd that this guy is arguing that black hole is a racist term. He had some other audio where another guy claims that he has been called a ''black hole'' his whole life and that's why he doesn't like the term. The guy was wondering why they call it a black hole and if the scientists who named it that were white. The guy suggested that they rename it a white hole. Howard asked why a black tie event is a very fancy event.
Steve said that they have released a new report on why Kenneth Keith Kallenbach died and they're saying that it was natural causes. He said that they're still looking into it to find out why so many people have died in custody at that jail that Ken was being held at.
Steve said they have a story about a protest that Jason went to and asked the cops why they were pushing these people around when they were being peaceful. Howard said he saw that tape and it looked pretty strange the way things were going on.
Howard said that their news director, Brad Driver, got engaged over the weekend. He said that the headline for that story could be ''Brad Driver likes girls'' or something. Artie said that he could have made a joke there but it could cause some trouble. He kept his mouth shut.
Robin asked Howard if he's going to go to Brad Driver's wedding. Howard said that he's not inviting Brad to his so he probably won't be invited to his. That led to Howard saying that he was going to invite about 200 people to his wedding but they just found out they can only have 150 at this place they're at. Artie told Howard that he could help out by letting him off the hook by only giving him one invitation. Howard thanked him for that because it really would help.
Howard said that he has to cut his list down a bit and he has people like Jon Hein on the list. He said that he has JD on the list but not Sal. He said that Sal isn't invited. Artie said that Sal was at his place and he did behave himself there. He had his wife with him though. Howard said that Beth made up with Sal but he burned her again so she doesn't want him there. Howard said that he does feel bad because he does like Sal. He said that Richard is on the list though.
Howard said that he was going to cut the list down by just inviting Robin, Gary, Fred and Artie. Then he had to expand it a little bit but then it leads to inviting everyone. He said that he has to invite Doug Goodstein, Scott DePace, Mike Gange and a bunch of others. He said that then he had the whole Bubba issue and he'd have to invite Bubba and then Ferrall and then Brent and the rest of the crew. He said that Bubba is in and Tim is in.
Howard said that Bubba gets paranoid down there and thinks that he doesn't like him so he has to invite him. He said that he invited Bubba and Brent but now he's got no room at the wedding. Now he's got to put Ferrall on the list.
Gary said that there's no Howard 100 News invited. Howard said that he can't have them because he's already got too many. Gary said he noticed that Howard is inviting a lot of guests that they have on the show.
Gary said that he got a call from Dominic Barbara back when he was having his wedding because he didn't get an invitation. Gary said he wasn't really that close with him and didn't invite him but after he got the call he figured he had to invite him.
Howard said that this isn't going to be that exciting and no one is missing out on anything. He said that he thinks that people think they're going to be naked at the party or something.
The guys talked about Gary's wedding and how interesting that was when Richard Simmons came. Gary said that he could hear Richard sobbing during the ceremony. Howard said it was like Richard was losing Gary to Mary during that wedding.
Howard said that he and Beth were working to raise some money for this charity out in the Hamptons. He said that they were helping this guy out with the event and he and his wife were asking questions about the wedding and it was question after question. He said he eventually had to say that he was done being interviewed. Then another guy came up to him and did something similar.
Howard was busy talking to his friend Ross and this guy kept following him around. Then he interrupted the conversation and told him he was being mean to him. The guy hounded him for a picture but he told the guy that he couldn't do it right then. Howard said the guy went around and told people that he was being mean to him. He eventually took the picture and the guy started talking to him again. Howard said he wanted to go talk to other people and the guy started telling more people that he was being mean to him. Howard said that people are nuts and he's not sure what they expect of him.
Robin said that she and Jim were in an elevator one time and six guys got into the elevator. One guy asked her for a hug and said that it was his bachelor party. She figured that they'd go away if she did that real quick. The guy ended up nuzzling his face into her neck and started switching positions. She said that the another guy started screaming Artie's name for no reason because he wasn't even there. Robin said that she threw up her hands and didn't know what to do. Jim told the guy to chill and he dropped it. She said that Jim told her that things could have gotten really ugly there.
Ralph called in and said that Gary was telling that story about staying at Dominic's house when he wasn't that close to him and he's always going off on him for staying at Sam Simon or John Stamos' house. Gary said he went to Dominic's house once and didn't stay there for weeks like Ralph has done. Ralph said that he's close with Sam and John so that's why he stays there.
Gary said that Ralph is a barnacle and he's not. He asked Ralph how many weeks he's stayed at Howard's house. Ralph said he didn't know, he'd have to check his chart. Ralph told Gary that he sounds jealous. Gary said that he's just telling the facts.
Gary said that the next time he needs an Iron Man standee he should call someone else. Ralph said he needs a Batman standee now. Gary told him that it's going to have a penis in it's mouth.
Howard said that things got worse and they started name calling. He played a couple of clips from that show to show just how bad it got. Gary said that it got really uncomfortable and he wanted to walk away from the whole thing. Gary said that Sal ended up taking his headphones off and said ''fuck you'' and ran out. Howard played that clip where Sal and Jason were talking about whether or not they had problems with each other.
Gary told Howard that they only ended it because they have no control over when that show ends. Howard said that it's best that it ended when it did. Gary said that Sal was shaking when he eventually came back into the building. Howard said that Sal was the one who started it with the horrible stuff about Jason.
Sal came in and put all the blame on the fight on Jason. Howard said that it was Sal who started it and he seems to expect Jason to take all of his shit. Sal said that Jason started the whole thing and he was just fighting back.
Sal told Howard that Jason went to the comments that were below the belt. Howard said that it was Sal who started it but Sal said it was after Jason brought up the wife. Howard insisted that it was Sal shitting on Jason about the process that started it.
Howard replayed the clip where Sal called Jason a ''selfish, air whore, weasel'' and attacked him. Sal said that he did that but he was staying in the conversation that they were having. Sal refused to take blame for it because he thinks that Jason started it by talking about him the way he did by telling a lie about something he didn't actually say.
Howard said that Sal should have called Jason out on the lie but he shouldn't have attacked him personally. Howard then read that Sal cried after the fight. Sal said that Jason did get to him and he did get upset about it. Sal said that he's always the whipping boy and Howard has to accentuate what he does to stomp on him the way he does.
Howard said he was trying to tell Sal something to help him out but he wasn't listening. He insisted that Sal was attacking Jason personally first. Sal said he's seeing it that way but that's not the way he sees it. Fred interrupted and said that Jon Hein may have started it because he was saying that he had to believe what Jason said about Sal even though he didn't hear what Sal actually said. Sal said that he couldn't attack Jon because Jon doesn't drive him home.
Howard said that he wanted to move along. He said he doesn't give a shit and cut everyone's microphones off. He had Jon get to his Wrap Up Show preview after that. Jon ran through the list of things they were going to cover today.
Robin read some news about other things like Britney Spears going to a charity event held by Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey. That led to Artie getting all worked up over how annoying Jenny McCarthy is. He went off on her for a minute.
Robin had some guests in the studio so Howard said hello to them. She had some people that she's known for a long time now in there. It was Tom and Laura who were old neighbors of her's. Howard said that Laura was pretty hot and talked to her for a short time. He didn't spend as much time with Tom. He did find out that Tom got a 1570 on his SAT test. Howard told Laura that she should latch onto this guy as soon as she can. He said that he sounds like a smart dude who is going to make good money.
Howard heard that Tom tried to kiss Laura in the green room and she pulled away. She said that she's not into public displays of affection. She said there was another guy in the room at the time.
Howard spent a few minutes asking Laura questions about her family and her love life. He said that it must have been exciting to have been Robin's neighbor. Robin said that Laura actually wrote a paper about her one time. Laura said that she had to give a presentation in Italian and she did that on Robin. Howard said that she sounds like a very bright and intelligent girl.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read some stuff about the guy who was in the radio hall of fame discussion that they had this morning. She said that the guy is going to be backing Barack Obama. She had another story about Japanese people committing suicide by creating a poisonous gas that can kill them and others around them.
Howard asked Laura if she thinks that Robin is in love with Jim Florentine. She said that she thinks that it could go there but she's not sure. Howard asked if she ever met Mr. X. Laura said that she never did. Robin said that's because Mr. Ex was a recluse. Howard asked Laura if she ever saw Robin getting together with her witches coven. Laura didn't see that either.
Howard asked Robin why Laura isn't in Girls night Out. Robin said that she wants to be. She said that she can be in it if she wants.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about how the FCC fine against CBS for Janet Jackson's breast popping out has been thrown out by a judge. Robin read a story about nudists who are renting out restaurants so they can be naked while they eat. Howard said he thinks that's disgusting and he doesn't get why anyone would want to eat nude. He said the worst part is that these nudists usually don't have good bodies.
Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about the nudist thing and how disgusting it can be. They talked about nude yoga and stuff like that.
Howard asked this guy Tom about hedge funds and what that's all about. Tom talked about that a little bit and how he makes money from what he does. That led to Howard talking about how smart this guy is and how he must see the world on a whole other level than he does.
Robin got back to her news and said that Yusuf Islam, formerly Cat Stevens, is now 60 years old. Howard sang some of his stuff and then Robin told him he could stop because she had clips of him actually singing. They went through that quickly. Robin said that she
Robin read some news about Ron Wood from the Rolling Stones breaking up with his wife of 29 years. He ended up falling off the wagon and went out with a 19 year old Russian waitress. That led to the wife finding out and assuming that he was sleeping with her and left him.
Robin had a story about Barry Manilow and how people think that he may be sick. That led to Fred playing Henry Hill's coughing clip that made everyone sick.
Robin said that they're bringing back Beverly Hills 90210 as just ''90210'' on the CW network. Shannon Dougherty is returning to the series. Howard said that he loved the show when it was on but he's not going to get involved with the new one. He said he was into the original, but not this one.
Robin read another story about a guy who died while doing a triathalon and they're not sure what caused it. They were saying that it could be a jellyfish bite that got him. Robin read another story about a woman who cut a baby out of another woman's womb which killed her. She stole the baby and it's fine now. Howard said that she probably would have made a good mother. Fred played some clips of Wendy the Retard doing her Freddy Kruger impression while they were talking about that.
Robin read some news about Barack Obama and John McCain. She played some audio of Barack talking about Afghanistan and how the job wasn't finished over there.
Robin read that Richard Roeper is going to be leaving Ebert and Roeper and retiring from the show after failing to come to an agreement with his contract.
Robin read through a few other stories and Howard ended up doing his Gammoreon Guard-guy impression and goofed on him for a short time. He did that impression and his Darth Nihilus impression for a few minutes while Robin read through some other stories. Robin read a story about the new X-Files movie, Bill Murray parachuting for a special event and then wrapped up her news. Howard ended the show at 11am.
Jon started the guys off talking about Dominic Barbara falling through his roof and the argument that Gary and Ralph had about being users. Gary said that Ralph is in the user hall of fame and he can't compare himself to him. Gary said that he doesn't even deserve to be on the ballot for that.
JD said that he doesn't see Gary as moochie as Ralph is. He said that he doesn't see it as being the same thing as what Ralph does. Gary did that just once. Gary said that he didn't move in with Dominic, he just used a house that Dominic wasn't using at the time.
Jon asked Ralph to call in and clarify some of this stuff. Gary said that Sam was irritated by Ralph when he stayed too long and was kind of an abusive house guest.
Jon went to the phones and took a call from a woman who said that Howard's show is so much better than these shows that are on terrestrial radio. She said that she has to credit Gary with a lot of that. Gary said that they have a great team there now and they're all doing a great job. He said they all get along pretty well for the most part. The woman said that she's impressed how they remember stuff and are able to come up with it so quick.
Gary said that their new system they have there is amazing too. They used to have to look stuff up and then run back to Howard's office to pull it and it would take forever. That's much easier now.
Gary said that Jason does take some grief and people goof on him all the time. The caller said that he cringes when Gary gets goofed on and Jason really doesn't take that much of it on the air. He said that if he worked there he'd probably go off on him all the time. He said he wished that he never had to hear Jason's voice again.
Gary said that he gets accused of defending Jason all the time and he's not sure why that is. He said that Jason did something on Friday when they were taping Beat the Booey and sometimes they just let things go with him. Gary said that Jason is the kind of guy who was stuffed in a locker so they might just let him off the hook on certain things.
Jon said that Jason took a lot of shit about his mother on the air. Jason came in a short time later and the caller bailed as soon as he heard his voice. He said he was done and out. Gary said that Jason likes to fuck back with people and he finds that interesting. Jon said that Jason does come off as being Gary's boy so that's why they get upset about it.
Gary said that he likes Jason as a guy and he's a good employee. Jason said that he doesn't act differently because he thinks Gary has his back. He said that his personality comes out because he takes Lexipro and that allows him to just say fuck you and not just sit there and take it.
Jason said that people get upset about things he does and only when it's him. He said that he and Gary had a beef with something on Friday and when Gary said it, it was one thing. Then when he said it, it was another.
Jon said that he thinks that if Sal had gotten into a fight with other people there, he would have handled it the same way as he did with Jason. Gary said that he might have but he wouldn't have verbalized it as much as he did.
Benjy said that he doesn't think that Artie talks too much but his rhythm has changed a lot lately. He said that he's completely expanding in a whole different way. He said that Artie is much more talkative lately. He said that he's expounding on everything.
Jon asked the guys if they've noticed that. Gary said that Artie is being part of the show lately but Howard can control that. He'll put his hand up if he wants someone to stop with a story. He said that if he wanted Artie not to talk, he'd put his hand up.
Benjy said that Artie does push to interject stuff more these days. Jason said that he's not crowbarring it into the show though. Benjy still thinks there's a huge difference there and there is something going on.
The caller said that she doesn't hate when Ralph calls in but she can get irritated once in a while. She also said that she thinks that Mark Consuelos is Beth's emotional friend.
Jon moved along to talk about Howard's wedding and how surprised he was that he was invited. Gary said he's psyched that they're going to be invited. Jason said that it was awesome that Howard is inviting them. Scott the Engineer even made the list.
Jon said that it's Sal's worst nightmare because just about everyone else is invited to the wedding and he's not. Gary said that Sal made his own bed and he's got to lie in it. Benjy thinks that Sal is going to get an invitation.
Gary said that he asked Howard if Sal really wasn't going to be invited and he gave him a ''noooo!'' Benjy said that he still thinks that he will be invited and bet Gary $100 that he would. Jon wanted a piece of that action but Benjy said he can't take that many bets and stuck with just the one.
Gary asked the guys who they think should have been invited that wasn't. Jason brought up Tracy, their office manager. Gary said he's not sure if she's invited. Jason wasn't sure either.
Jason was saying that he has a list that's too big for his wedding and he's actually banking on some people either dying or being disabled to the point that they won't be able to make it. He said that he told his mother that he can't have this many people and she told him that some of them may not even be around by the time the wedding comes around. He said he has to hope that they can't make it because he doesn't have the room for them.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Howard isn't going to invite Sal to the wedding right now because he would have time to plan something goofy to do there. Gary said that he thinks that he won't be there at all no matter what.
The caller was also saying that he gets treated kind of like a pussy when he's at work and people have this perception about him that he's a pussy. He said that he never had a problem getting chicks though. Jason said that he admits that he's a pussy compared to the guys there. He said that he's not athletic and he knows he comes off obnoxious sometimes. He said that guys just don't like him and they goof on him all the time. He said that other people get away with stuff that he can't get away with there either. The guys spent another minute on that and then went to break.
The next caller said that he's actually hanging from a telephone pole as he speaks. He said that he thinks that Gary dropped the ball and didn't get them on. Gary said that they weren't even pitched to him so he can't just get them on.
Jon said that he's wanted to get them on the show. Richard said he's a huge fan of the band and he'd love to get them on. He said that he and Jon would probably do a gay act to get them on. Jon said he absolutely wouldn't do anything gay to get them on.
The guys ended up talking about the band and what they knew about them. Richard said that they gave a tour to Neal Peart one time and he and Jon were salivating that day.
Jon changed subjects to the plaster cast of Richard's penis and how he seemed to be semi-erect in that cast. Richard said that he was just trying to look kind of big and he may have been chubbing up a little bit.
Jon asked about the male masseuse too. Richard said that he prefers a woman but there was only a guy available at the time. The guy spent a lot of time on his buttock area. He said that the was jamming his elbow into his ass for about 10 minutes. He was saying that he also jammed his boxer shorts into the crack of his ass like a thong.
Richard said the masseuse was creeping toward his butt hole and that was weird but then he got up behind him as if he was mounting him so he could elbow his back. He said this guy had his own technique and it was unlike anything that the women do.
Richard said he was laughing as the guy was doing that stuff. He said it was kind of strange and he doesn't think the guy was getting off on it or anything like that. He thinks that the guy just does it as a doctor would do his job.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the guarantees that Richard is a ''stone queer'' after hearing that story. He said that he's sick of hearing these gay stories. Another caller asked Richard why he did a gay act to get invited to Howard's wedding and now everyone is getting invited. Richard said he doesn't care and he doesn't mind doing that stuff for the good of the show.
Another caller asked Richard about his massage and if he's ever had a woman mount him the way the guy did. Richard said he doesn't remember them doing that but he's not sure. Gary told him that he would remember it if he had.
Another caller asked the guys if they think that Howard would talk to Ralph if he moved to California and away from Howard. Gary said he thinks that Howard likes Ralph and he would stay in touch. The caller said that he thinks of Ralph as a 7/8ths version of Howard that follows him around.
Jon took another call from a woman who asked if Lisa G has been invited to the wedding. Gary said she hasn't as a guest but he's not sure if she will be eventually. Gary thinks that Artie should work that and try to bring Lisa to the wedding himself. Jon reminded Gary that Artie gave up that +1 today. Gary said that he could get that back if he asked Howard for it.
Jon took some more calls and one guy asked what happened to Darryl Strawberry not showing up. Gary said that he apparently changed his mind about coming on after they booked him.
Another caller asked Richard if he had ever been jerked off by a massage chick before. Richard said that's never happened before. Benjy told Richard that if he had initiated it that guy probably would have finished him off. Richard said that he didn't want to do that.
Jon said that they had a special guest in the studio today. It was Hanzi from Ontario. Gary let him say a quick hello. Hanzi said that he was hoping for more fighting on the Wrap Up Show today. He said that he doesn't have a job but he was able to get a few bucks together to fly down there today. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about Mariann from Brooklyn's radio show that was on last night. He didn't get to listen to the whole thing but he heard clips of it. He said that she's been hocking him for a show for a couple of years now so they finally gave her the shot.
Howard said that Jason told him that she had no plan other than to take phone calls. Howard said Tim Sabean went running into the studio when Mariann came in and used the term ''quarter hour sweep'' and Mariann didn't have any idea what he was talking about. He said that he had to remind Tim that it's Mariann from Brooklyn and this is satellite radio so he shouldn't have to worry about what she does. Artie said it would be funny if she picked up a broom and started sweeping every quarter hour.
Howard said that they were telling her all of this stuff 5 minutes before she went on the air. Artie did his impression of Mariann and what it may have sounded like last night. Howard said that Mariann's voice sounds like the old days when he'd hit the delay and their voices would sound like they were under water. Artie did some more of her impression and it was pretty harsh. Howard said that Mariann got the title of Mother of the Wack Pack but he's not sure where that even came from.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that her voice was brutal even though she seems like a nice person. That got Artie doing more of his impression and going off on that guy. The caller said that he really couldn't take the show but he did give it a shot. Howard played some of the audio from her show a short time later.
In the first clip Mariann was talking about how it took her 4 long years to get there. That led to the guys talking about how they've only been at SIRIUS for 2 and a half years but that is half way through their contract. Artie said that he's had a lot of fun there in that time. Howard said that's odd because he's quit like 7 times now.
Artie said that if Howard made this show in the afternoon then he'd sign on for the rest of his life. Howard said that Artie could just sleep through the show like he's done.
Howard said that Artie had made the mistake of calking his flak jacket a ''flap jacket'' and a listener photoshopped Artie to have a pancake jacket on. Artie said that is the greatest jacket ever and it's making him hungry. Howard said you can see that picture at HowardStern.com.
Artie said that he's been having the greatest time ever there and he should be talking to James Gandolfini in the next few days and he had Graig Nettles at his comedy show the other night.
Howard got back to Mariann and played some of her taking phone calls. One guy asked her to sing so she sang a little bit to the guy and then hung up on him. Tabitha Stevens called into the show so Howard played that clip. Tabitha told her about the latest porn movie that she shot. Mariann spent a minute with her and Tabitha had some kind of new fake laugh that Howard picked up on. Artie figured that she hasn't been able to get on Howard's show so she's calling Mariann.
Howard took a call from a guy who was doing an impression of Mariann and it was so good that it had Howard fooled for a second. The guy's regular voice was nothing like that and the impression was amazing. He does Mark the Bagger as well. Artie said that it's kind of the same pitch as Mariann's.
Howard took a call from Mariann who said she knew she was going to make Artie's morning. She said that she's going to keep hocking Howard for the next 4 years to get another show. She said that she walked in and Tim was telling her to keep the calls under 2 minutes so she was cutting people off pretty quick.
Mariann asked if anyone liked her show at all. Howard said that there were some people who did like her. Howard let her go on for a minute while the caller doing the impression did it right back to her. Howard said that guy Eric was doing a good job but Mariann was so loud that they could barely hear him.
Artie said that he thinks that both of them have tremendous feelings for each other and that's why that kind of thing will happen. Howard said that most women would not be knocking on your door after 3 years of being broken up. Artie said that Dana is a very thoughtful person. He said that he always wanted a nice Italian girl who wasn't in the business and he found that in Dana. He said that she's a teacher working in an awful area and she's an amazing person.
Artie said that Dana was able to get up to his apartment because she knew the door man there. Howard said that no one should be allowed up without letting him know. Artie said that he knows that but Dana knows the guy. Howard said that's no excuse though. Artie said that Dana even came up with a friend that night. He said that Dana thought that something was going on that night so she was checking his apartment. He said that it's like an odysseys with them and they have to work on things if they want to get back together.
Howard said that his theory is that Dana doesn't like when Artie is out banging chicks and she keeps coming back into his life when she hears about it. Robin asked if Dana has had sex in 3 years. Artie said he doesn't want to think about that. He said he doesn't want to hear about it either. Howard said that she has to be doing that.
Artie said that he has a girl in his life right now that he loves. Howard asked if he loves this girl. Artie said he didn't mean it that way. He said that he really likes this chick and he'd like to go to the next level with her. Artie said he doesn't want to get his heart broken though so he's not sure if he can go there. Howard said that he just took all of that back after he pointed that out.
Artie said that he met this chick at a gig and she's a local girl. He said he's had his heart broken before and that's the worst thing to go through. He said that he doesn't want to go through that again so he has to be careful.
Artie said that he hasn't even made out with this broad yet. He said that he's going to ask her to come down to his place at the Jersey shore and she's talking about bringing some friends with her. He said that he's going to let her do that even though he'd prefer that she not bring them. He said it may turn into nothing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about his contract coming up in a couple of years and if he's going to keep the show going. Howard said he's not sure he wants to keep it going.
King of All Blacks called in and said that he thinks that when you're in a relationship with a woman you should keep lying to keep her interested. He said that's what Artie should have been doing to keep Dana interested.
Bobo read that they're going to be adopting more dogs. Howard said that Beth isn't even sure if she's going to be taking the Stern last name. She's saying that she's put in 34 years with that Ostrosky name and she may just keep it. She was talking about making it Beth O Stern or something like that. She's going to make it sound like an Irish name.
Howard said that Beth wondered if he wanted her to take his name. He said that's kind of what people do when they get married. Artie said that this new politically correct time is getting out of hand. He said that when you marry a woman she takes your name. He said that the only reason would be if she had a show business career where she needed to keep the name. He said that it might be old fashioned but you should take the man's last name. Howard said it's really no big deal to him though.
Howard said that he would like Beth to take the same name but he's not going to insist on it. He said that he'd like to have her as Beth Stern when he introduces her but he's not going to get upset if she doesn't take it. Artie said that you don't want any resentment though.
Howard said that if he had a woman come up to him saying she wants to fuck him, he could say that there is no Mrs. Stern if Beth doesn't take his name. Robin said that there are people who hyphenate their names. Howard said that this bores him and he doesn't care what she does.
Bobo asked about the wedding and what's going to happen with that. Howard said that they are just having a party with friends but Beth will be walking down an aisle as if they're getting married.
Bobo said that he called in about a month ago and suggested that they install a schvoogie buzzer in Gary's office. Howard had to explain the story behind that and said that Gary worked in a store where they had this buzzer that would alert the other employees when black people would come into the store. Howard said that they'd alert Gary to when black people would come in so he could tail them and make sure they didn't steal anything.
Gary said that sometimes they'd just buzz that thing when people would be walking through the store. If they stopped to even look at anything that buzzer would go off.
Gary said that he was a stock boy there at the store and he worked with a black girl who would just get freaked out when the buzzer would go off. He said her whole body would change when that buzzer would go off.
Howard asked Gary some questions about the buzzer and asked if they ever told him it was for the black people. Gary said that they never said it was, they just said that it was to make sure they kept an eye on people to make sure they weren't shoplifting. Gary also said that Ronnie was the one who named it the Schvoogie buzzer.
Artie said that he knew a gym teacher who had a had a bat in his car that he called his ''Nig*er-be-good-stick'' that he carried around. Gary said that he knew that stick as just the N-word stick.
Howard said that he saw a picture in the paper today where Britney Spears' kid is carrying her cigarettes and lighter for her.
Artie said that he remembers that show where Stuttering John came in and called some fireworks ''nig*er chasers.'' That led to the guys talking about how John thought that wasn't a racist thing to say. They goofed on John about that for a short time.
Artie told another story about some guys he used to know who were cops. They used to go round for round giving racist names for black people. He said he thinks they got to about 80 names. Howard said that he would run out of names pretty quickly but Sal would be able to name a bunch.
Sal came in and said that he's heard the term ''nig*er be good stick'' before. He said it could be a bat or even a tire iron. Howard told Sal he wants to hear this racist name game that Artie was talking about. Sal was ready to go with all of those names. Artie played along with him. Howard gave it a try.
Sal started the game off with Jigaboo. Artie threw in a couple and then Howard tried it out too. Here are some of the names they were using. Nig*er, jungle bunny, schvoogie, coon, spook, darkie, spade, moulinion, tsetsoon, schwarze, porch monkey... Howard said he thought he was out at that point. He couldn't come up with anything else. Artie told him that he was missing a really obvious one.
Sal said that Artie had just written down a bunch and that wasn't fair. Artie used Spear chucker, then Sal gave him some more and went back and forth with Artie for a couple more.
Sal was out after about 11. Artie said he had about 3 more himself. Sal tried to come up with some more so he threw out Rasinettes. Howard told him he was out after that one. Artie said that he had Brillohead and some other things that were versions of the other words that they have used.
Artie said that spoon is one as well. That led to Howard singing the song from the play Hair where they give the racist names. He asked Fred to look that up and play the song if he could find it. Artie gave them a few more that he had on his list. He had ''Dugan'' which no one had heard before. Gary had never heard it either.
Howard had a list from the internet of the names that they didn't use. He read through some of those. Sal asked if Uncle Tom would be racist. Artie told him of course it is.
Bobo asked Howard if he's going to have the buzzer installed in Gary's office or not. Howard asked why they would do that. Bobo said that they could do it to let Gary buzz in when the guests are there. It didn't sound like Howard was interested in doing that. He let Bobo go a short time later.
A woman called in and gave them some more. She said that they had reggin which is the N-word backwards. She also said that they call them ''roids'' which was short for negroids. She worked at a police station so those are the things that she heard there.
Howard said they had Lawn Jockey, Eggplant, mamma jamma, shine and a few others. Sal said he's got a friend he'd like to bring in to talk about some of the stories he's heard. Artie said that he wants to bring in his bad cop friend before Sal brings that guy in.
Howard let Sal go a short time later. He said that they should do the names for gays next. He and Artie then went at it alternating between names like fag, pillow biter, cocksucker, homo, queer, shit pusher, ass goblin, butt pirate, butt fucker, bone smuggler, knob gobbler, fairy and more. Robin threw in queen and Fred threw in cum guzzler.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that was a classic game there. Howard asked if there was any gay haters there that could take on Artie with the gay names. Artie said that some of those were funny and he's heard a lot of them on Howard's show over the years.
Howard had a caller on the line who asked if he'd let Beth bang a listener before the wedding. Howard sand Artie thought the guy was nuts and ignored the dopey question.
Sal came back in and rattled off some terms for gay guys. He had a bunch that Artie and Howard had forgotten about.
The caller told Howard that he was like his teacher after he dropped out of high school. Howard didn't seem to care and kept rattling off the gay names. The caller got back to the question about Beth banging a listener. Howard hung up on him a short time later.
Cyrus called in next and said that game they just played was a great way to learn all the names that people call him behind his back. Artie said that he has a friend in the business who will wear a black jacket to a club and if you ask him how things are going in a certain area, he'll just point to the jacket to show that it's a black area.
Artie said that he had a friend who had a really religious family and he was over at their house one day. They used to make him bless himself when he left and he was halfway through the sign of the cross thing when he heard the kid's father yell out the N-word while he was watching a basketball game.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that both Sal and Artie are racists and they're just trying to cover it up when they say they're not. Then he said that he really doesn't think that any of them are really racist and he gets why they were doing what they just did. Howard said that he had to take a break but he had a lot more to get to today. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Wendy Williams has her own TV talk show now and she had that Omarosa chick on from The Apprentice. Artie said that he hates that broad. He said that she has overstayed her 15 minutes of fame. Howard said that she's managed to stay in the spotlight though.
Howard said that the Wendy Williams show was pretty crazy from what he heard. He said that it made it into the paper when Wendy and Omarosa got into a verbal fight. He had some clips from that show to play. In the first clip Omarosa said that she wasn't going to be disrespected on her show. The two of them ended up pulling on the book because Omarosa wanted to hold it up herself.
In another clip Wendy was saying that Omarosa was the typical angry black woman that people find to be stereotypical. Omarosa said that she'd rather be that person than a buffoon. Omarosa said that she doesn't like the way Wendy goes behind her guests backs and talks smack about them.
Wendy asked Omarosa about her dating life now that she's divorced. They got kind of friendly there for a second but then they got into a battle when Wendy asked about Omarosa getting plastic surgery for her mother. Omarosa thought that Wendy had a nose job. Wendy said that she's had some botox and then suggested that Omarosa do something about the lines on her face. Omarosa shot back with a comment about her wig. After Omarosa left Wendy took a few more stabs at her. The audience was behind Wendy of course since it was her show.
Howard said he thinks that Wendy is off to a good start with her show. He said that she had him riveted to the show. He said that anyone fighting makes for a good show. He said that she should have her on the show every day.
Artie said that the audiences for those shows just show how dopey they are because they all cheer and clap for everything and anything.
Howard said he saw that George was on a new game show. He said that it was a show where celebrities were betting on what some of the contestants could do like one guy who hoola hooped with a truck tire. He said that he thinks that they have really helped George's career since they made him the announcer of the show.
Artie said that he thinks that the roast thing has come around again since Howard did them on the show. He said that Howard hasn't invented them or anything but he thinks that they have rejuvenated the whole thing. Artie said that he was invited to the Takei roast but he can't go to that one. He's doing the Bob Saget roast though. He said that they have so many of them now that they're going to run out of jokes. Howard said that's why he's not going to do them anymore.
Lisa got back to her news preview and talked about how Artie and his book people were going over the possible book covers that they can use. The book, Too Fat To Fish, has already sold 2000 pre-sale copies.
Artie said that he didn't like the covers that he saw. He said that they made up 3 covers and he really didn't think any of them were right. He said that he's going to get copies and show them to some more people to get some more opinions.
Lisa said that she spoke to the guy who made the cast of Richard's penis and the guy claims that it wasn't gay at all. He said that he never touched Richard's penis at any point. Howard thanked Lisa for her report and let her go a short time later.
Howard said he was getting nervous for the guy seeing him down there gambling away his money. He's afraid he's going to blow through all of his money now. He said that he gets $41,000 every 3 months and that's good money, but not that hard to blow through pretty quickly.
Howard told Richie to calm down and not blow all of his money. He read a letter that Richie got about the dress code and how he wasn't wearing the right outfit.
Doug said that he wrote a letter every day for over 100 days. They ended up calling him and asked him to stop writing or they'd black list him. Doug said that the tone of their voice was threatening. He said that he sent some of the letters to one of the models who was a cancer survivor herself.
Howard said that they have people like this who write in four times a day and Gary just throws the letters in the garbage. Howard said that Doug is probably an oddball and a nudnik. Doug said that he might be considered one.
Howard asked why they would call him and say that he's going to be black listened when they could just throw the letters in the trash. He doesn't get why they would do that. Doug said that he never even called them, he just wrote letters. He said he would have stopped if they had asked him to.
Howard said he gets that he was trying to get to the show but maybe after 10 letters he'd stop. He said that after 100 it's just out of hand. Doug said that it wasn't that big of a deal for him to write these letters and it only took him 15 minutes a day to do it.
Howard told Doug that he should think about what he did and how much of a waste of time it was. He said that these letters were like 3 pages long too. Doug said that they weren't all like that. Doug said that it's not that big of a sacrifice for him after considering what his friend went through with her cancer.
Howard found out that Doug is a homosexual and he's doing this for a woman. Doug said that she's a good friend of his, that's why he's doing this. Howard told him that he should be busy with his boyfriend and not with this friend. Then they found out that this guy is 46 years old and he's been going out with this guy for 18 years... and he's still writing over 100 letters to Deal or No Deal.
Howard told Doug he's now got 15 minutes a day to do something special. The guy said that they all make sacrifices in their lives. He said that Artie went to Afghanistan and he was doing these letters for his friend. He said that it was the way they handled it that was what got him to contact Howard.
Doug asked Howard to let people know that they should contact NBC if they're upset about the way they handled this. Howard took some calls from some people and asked them what they thought about this guy. One caller said that Howie Mandel should be afraid because this guy sounds like a stalker or something.
Another caller said that Howard kind of justified his behavior by putting him on the air. He suggested that the guy go down and talk to Howie Mandel directly.
Howard told Doug that he has to drop this idea of anyone contacting NBC at all. He said that there is no reason to do that and no one should care about what happened. Doug said he gets that but all NBC had to do was ask him to stop with the letters and he would have. Howard let Doug go a short time later.
Howard said that the local CW news gave Jeff the Drunk a birthday wish a couple of months ago. He said that he was holding that clip for a while now. He said he can't believe they actually did that.
Howard had the Kielbasa Queen coming in to do a Where Are They Now. He said that they also just shot the new game show Beat the Booey for Howard TV and it turned out to be a contest because Gary didn't run away with the game. He said he didn't want to give away the details though.
Howard said he went into a record store to buy a DVD of a movie and the guy said they don't even sell them or even CDs now. He said that they barely had any CDs and no one is buying them anymore. He said that he's never seen an industry destroyed so quickly with this downloading thing. Howard said that Kid Rock did a public service announcement about the downloading thing and he was going to play that. Howard said he kind of feels bad for the record company now because things have been turned upside down.
Howard said that he went to see this new Batman movie and he was told he couldn't bring anyone with him because they're so afraid that people are going to record it and put it out on the web. He said that they put up $100 million to make the movie and they're afraid that people are going to pirate it. If that happens, these huge movies are going to go away.
Howard said that they have guys sitting in the theaters with infra-red head sets to see if anyone is taping the movies. Howard said that these big movies could go away if the pirating keeps up.
Howard said that no one is buying albums and records now and that's why Kid Rock put out this public service announcement. He played the clip where Kid Rock is talking about how rich he is and how he can't bitch about the stealing of his songs. He said that maybe everyone should steal everything if they're going to steal music. He said that Apple and Microsoft are making billions so why not steal their stuff. He suggested they go out and steal cars, gasoline, clothing and more. He said they won't miss it at all, just like the artists aren't missing the money they're not making on those songs.
Howard said that Kid Rock was spot on with that thing and he's so right about it. Artie said that some people aren't going to get that he was being ironic in that clip but he was making an excellent point. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Fred to restart the song and that's when Fred found out it wasn't Led Zeppelin at all, it was a band called Government Mule. Howard said he knew that it wasn't them, the performance didn't sound like them.
Howard listened to the start of the song and said that he used to be able to play the beginning of the song. He said it took all of his concentration to do it though. After hearing the song from the start Howard said that it was pretty cool and not as bad as he thought. Artie said that he was diggin' it. Howard said that he was waiting for a singer to show up in that song.
Artie said that band is a great band live. He said that he's not sure who was singing on that though. Howard said he had never even heard of the band Government Mule.
Howard played a message where Bobo talked about trying to call into the show at 888-9-ASSHOLE and how he had been locked out of the number. He said he got crazy and said he thought that they were blocking him because of Howard TV so he wouldn't say anything about the Booey game.
That was the first call. Bobo called in a second time and said that he called his phone company and they told him he was being blocked from calling the 888 number. He asked Gary to see what he could do to get him unlocked. Bobo said that he wanted it known that he would never say anything about what happened on Beat the Booey.
Howard said that Bobo ran out of time on that call. Fred asked why Bobo didn't call from a different phone if he was being blocked on that one. Howard said he didn't know. He played a third call where Bobo called in and said that there's some kind of conspiracy going on with Howard TV. He thought they were going to block him until September (when the shows air).
Howard said that Artie didn't even sound that paranoid when he went to Delaware when he was getting his heroin. Bobo was asking Gary to look into it for him again and said that maybe they could get him a different number so he could bypass that one. He said that they could out fox Howard TV.
Howard said that he thinks that the glue on Bobo's toupee is getting into his brain. He said that he saw the glue they use and it must be seeping into his head. He said that Scott the Engineer had a toupee for a while and he made him stop wearing it.
Howard said that everyone missed it and they didn't get it on camera or anything. Howard thanked Scott anyway and said that Will had just ruined it for them. Will said that Scott is kind of his buddy there.
Howard asked Will why he didn't invite Scott to his wedding if he's his buddy. Will said that he kind of regrets that.
Artie said that he's going to the wedding and it's in Upstate New York. Will said that it's like 3 hours away. Howard said that's a pain in the ass for people. Will's wedding is also on a Friday so people are going to have to take a day off of work to go. Will said that it hasn't been an issue so far. Howard asked why it was in Saratoga. Will said that was his fiancé's doing, not his.
Will has been dying his sideburns so Howard asked what was going on there. Will said that he wasn't able to grow good side burns so he took the Ronnie approach there.
Howard asked Will about the time of the wedding and what people are going to do to get there if they have a 9-5 job. Will said that they'll have to take half a day or something. He didn't seem to care if they didn't show up.
Howard said that he has to send Will a gift. Artie said that he's going to send him the same as Howard does. Howard said that he a has to get Will a gift and then one for Jason. That led to Will saying that Jason had to take out a $15,000 loan to pay for his wedding. Howard said that if you have to do that you shouldn't have a wedding. He said that they should use that money for a down payment on a house. They have a 18 percent rate on that loan too.
Jason came in and said that he had to come up with the money somehow. His fiancé's parents aren't paying for the wedding. He said that her father is retired now and he gave them $15,000. Jason said that they don't want to know what this wedding is going to cost.
Howard told Jason not to have a wedding. Jason said that he had to take out a loan or go to jail. He said he tried to keep the cost down. Howard told him not to do it because starting out a marriage in the hole isn't right. Jason said that he'll be able to pay it off with the money they get at the wedding. Jason said that he suggested that they just get married at City Hall and buy a house with the money. He was laughed out of the room.
Howard asked Jason how much money his mother pitched in. Jason said she pitched in $15,000. Jason was already up to $45,000 for the wedding and Will said that he didn't even spend that much.
Jason said that Howard is preaching to the choir by telling him all of this stuff. He said that other people are telling him to do it different ways and they won't listen to him. Howard told Jason that he has to be a man and tell them to stop.
Jason said that Howard does stuff for Beth too and he can't be going off on him that way. Howard said that Jason can't afford to do this so he shouldn't be doing it. Howard said that when he got married the first time, he didn't pay a dime. He said that he didn't have any debt from his marriage and his father in law paid for the whole thing. He said that you don't live above your means. Jason said he's right and he has to take responsibility for it himself.
Howard told the guys about how he called his parents and told them about his wedding and the way he was going to do things. Howard said that's what Jason should have done because this is his life and his money.
Howard said that he's going to do Jason a favor and he'll take the pictures at the wedding. He told Jason that he's going to save him a few bucks by doing that. He said that he's taken pictures of Beth that are better than these ''professionals'' that are out there. He said there is only one woman out there that can make him look good. Jason asked if it was Ralph. Howard was done with him at that point because he was being serious.
Will said that Jason is still paying off student loans on top of the wedding stuff. Jason said those are still $34,000. Artie asked Jason why he went to college, he's just typin' now.
Jason said that his fiancé is a nursery school teacher. Howard said that's a nice job but it doesn't pay well. He said that Jason has to go to his future wife and tell her that they can't do this wedding. Jason said that he's with him on all of this but he's not sure he can do that at this point. Howard said that he should cancel the wedding and sell it to someone who can afford it.
Artie said that Jason should be fuckin every hot broad that comes through there and not getting married at all. He said that Jason could be fuckin if he wanted to because he does work on the Howard Stern Show. Howard said that he could be doing that too but he doesn't want to. Maybe Jason doesn't want to be doing that.
Howard said that Jason is going into even more debt and his wife isn't making big money. Jason said that she just about pays to work with the price of gas as high as it is.
Howard said that Jason's wife probably isn't even making $27,000. Jason said that he's right about that. He said that she loves her job though. She went to Rutgers too and she's only making 27 grand a year. Howard said that she'd probably make more babysitting. Jason said that she knows how to play the cello and she could teach that and make some extra money.
Howard asked if he could cancel parts of the wedding. Jason said he can't but they can scale back on the flowers, food and the cake. Howard told him to do that. He said he should have zero flowers and asked Fred to name how many flowers they should have there. Fred didn't get that they were going for the ''Zero point zero'' audio clip from Animal House. Fred finally got it and started playing the clip.
Jason also talked about the cake so Howard suggested the flying saucer Carvel ice cream cake. He said there are chocolate and vanilla flying saucers and they're great. Fred suggested Italian Ices.
Jason said that he has something else that he has to talk about too. He said that he's going to say this on the air. He said that they're spending money on favors to put on everyone's plate. Howard told Jason to do a favor and call the wedding off. Fred told Jason to have his girlfriend do internet porn.
Jason said that he's going to have an open bar at the wedding too. Howard told him that he doesn't have the money for this and he has to cut that out as well. Jason said he's not cutting the open bar out. He said he can stop the party favors though.
Howard said that Jason can't be doing this and taking $30,000 from his in laws and then put up 15 of his own money. He said that this loan is going to cost him 2 grand a month in interest alone. Fred asked Jason how much this wedding is going to cost. Jason said that it's going to cost $35-40,000. He said that he's going to be going on a honeymoon too. Howard said that the honeymoon is a big mistake too. Jason said that they're going to Jamaica.
Howard told Jason that he doesn't have to worry about money himself so that's why he's doing his wedding the way he is. He said he got a note from someone who said that Jason had hired a guitar player for the wedding. Jason said that's only $100.
Howard asked Jason about his bachelor party in Amsterdam. Jason said he paid for that with his own money. Will said that cost him about 2 grand. Howard said that there are a lot of people out there who spend and spend and live above their means. It's just not right.
Robin said that there are people who will get married in fire halls because that's what they can afford. There's nothing wrong with that.
Howard told a story about Beth's brother coming out to get married out at their house in the Hamptons. He didn't invite anyone out there because he couldn't afford to do it. Howard said the guy was smart for not spending the money he didn't have.
Howard told Jason that he has to straighten this shit out and tell the family that they should pay for the whole thing or not do it at all. Jason thanked Howard for doing that and trying to help him out with this. He said he wishes that Howard was his parent when he came up with this whole thing to begin with.
Will said that Jason is inviting everyone from work to go to the wedding. Jason said that he needs the money to pay for all of that so he can't cut that back now.
Jason said that he needs someone else in the room when he's talking to people about all of this. He said that there are people just giving him ideas for what to do and he's just going along with it. Howard told Jason that this is his life and his money so he has to put his foot down.
Will said that JD is going out and spending money he doesn't have too. He said he got a little bit from Artie and he's spending it all on iPhones, computers and stuff like that. JD said that he's not spending that much and he's not going broke. He said he got a nice tax return and spent some of that. Howard said he read that JD bought a Playstation 3, a new Plasma TV and some other stuff. JD said that he did get those things but he's not going broke.
Artie said that he has to get JD the iPhone because he knows that it will help him out with his job with him. He said that he'll pay for that thing.
Dominic called in and told Jason that he can use his house out in Shelter Island for their honeymoon and use the same bed that Howard and Beth fucked in for the first time ever. Jason said that he would feel uncomfortable taking that. Will said that he's being rewarded for being irresponsible. Artie told Jason not to take it and he shouldn't take the offer. He said that Dominic is very generous.
Dominic asked what JD did with the $500 he gave to him. He was very nice to him down in Atlantic City and he gave him a few bucks. JD said he used that for the Playstation 3.
Jason passed on Dominic's offer. He pointed out that JD spent his entire tax return at a strip club a couple of years ago. JD said he knows he was stupid but he wasn't in the right mindset at the time. JD said that he's doing better with every check he gets from Artie. He said he puts half the money in his checking account and half in savings. Howard told him he should be saving it all.
Sal came in and told the guys that he had to go through what Jason is going through. He said that he never thought that he was going to be that guy but 12 years later he sees that he is that guy. He told Jason to just do it and learn from experience. Sal said that his wife is still spending all of his money and getting the floors redone. He said that he wanted to start a little nest egg but she wants to do the floors. He said that you just give in to them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's being a cunt. He told Jason that these women want what they want and you have to give it to them. Will said he thinks that Jason is the one who is trying to impress people with the wedding. Jason said that he wasn't for the big wedding at first but once they did push him into it, he wanted to do it right.
Sal said that Jason is doing this to make his future wife happy. Howard said that Jason is like a girl and he's saying that he doesn't want a big wedding but it's obvious that he does. If he didn't want it, he'd call it off. Jason said he doesn't want a big one, but he's not the only person making the decision. He said that he wanted a small wedding and it was other people who wanted a big one. Howard asked Jason if he would shoot himself in the head if he suggested it to him. He said that's not going to happen so Jason shouldn't get married this way.
Howard asked Jason about the loan and Jason said that it's all his fault for not saving up for something like that. Artie told him that it's not his fault and he shouldn't be taking the blame for it. Sal told Jason to get his wife to take out the loan instead of him.
Howard said that Sal is just another asshole because he spends the money that he doesn't have. He bought his wife a $5,000 bag last year and he has no money. Artie said that he likes Sal's wife but 5 grand for a bag is out of hand. Sal said that women are fuckin crazy. Howard told Sal that he's the crazy one because he actually paid the 5 grand for the bag. Sal said that he must be crazy then. He said that it's like being a prisoner of war, that's why he's going crazy.
Howard said that when a woman says that she wants a $5,000 bag, that's childish. When he actually goes out and buys the bag, that's crazy.
Howard got back to Jason and said that he's being like a woman with this wedding. H said that banks love people like Jason. He's going to be paying 2 grand a month in interest while he's got this loan out. Jason said that he will pay that off by the end of the year. Howard said that won't be paid off. Howard told Jason that what he should do is take the 30 grand from the families and pay off the student loan he owes 34 grand on. Jason said that they wouldn't have given him that money if he wasn't having the wedding. Howard said that the families should see that he's already 34 grand in the hole and that he's now another 15 in the hole and let him call off the wedding.
Ralph called in and said that he thinks that Jason is being pushed down this road and he really doesn't want the wedding. Ralph said that if they're this opposed to stuff like this already, their marriage is doomed. Jason said that they're not opposed now, he gave in a year ago and they agree on all of this stuff now.
Ralph asked what his credit card debt is. Jason said that it's not that bad. Then he said he didn't want to say. He said that he charged the rings and bands on the card and he's got close to $5,000 on that. He said that the percentage on that is only 6 percent. The guys said that can't be possible. Jason said that it's a good card. He said he's had the card for years and it's not that high.
Ralph asked Jason why he would spent $45,000 on a party that's going to last like 4 hours. Jason said it'll be longer than that.
Robin said that it is the girls who want these parties. Howard said that he'd like to be in the next Batman, world peace and other things but he can't have everything he wants. He said that he's never lived above his means. He said that he would like every pretty girl to suck his penis but he can't have it all.
Howard compared Jason to politicians and the waste that they have in government. He said that they run the government the same way that Jason is running his life. He said he sees the way the government works now and this merger thing is out of hand with the FCC getting involved. He said they have one guy in the FCC insisting that they put a freeze on the prices and that the build in HD radio and terrestrial radio tuners in the satellite radios.
Howard said that he thinks that Jason is in big trouble with this whole thing. Robin said that all of this is going to lead to Jason being dragged into even more stuff throughout his marriage. Howard said he thinks that Jason likes all of this and it's going to be one big Jason party.
Howard said that Jason is like Jack and the Bean Stalk. He said that he could be talked into just about anything. Jason said that Howard is wrong about this one point. He said he agreed with him on everything else though. Howard said that any normal person wouldn't be doing this. Jason said that's not true. Howard told him that he's like a girl with this stuff and he does want this. Jason said that he doesn't want all of this stuff and he's really not the way he thinks he is.
Howard said that Jason belongs to a gym for $100 a month too. He did the math and came up with $1,200 a year. He said that he also buys his dog outfits to wear at Halloween. He said that kind of stuff is unnecessary. Artie said that he also throws parties for his cats.
Gary came in and said that he heard that instead of exchanging vows Jason and his wife are going to exchange their cats. Jason said that was a joke, he's not doing that. He said there won't be any dogs or cats at the wedding. Artie said that he really has to cut back on that shit.
Howard said that he thinks Jason wants the wedding more than his wife does. Jason said that's just not true. Howard told him to wear a dress to the wedding because that would be appropriate. He told Jason that he's being very feminine with this wedding. He said Jason is a little girl inside and that's why he wants this wedding. Jason insists that he doesn't want the big wedding.
Artie said that if he got married to Dana, they were talking about just flying to Vegas to do it. They weren't going to make a big deal out of it. He said that you don't have to do a traditional thing these days. Howard had to wrap up and go to break a short time later.
Howard said he had some audio of that guy Michael Savage whose show he has never heard before. Robin said that she thinks that they've played some audio of him before and he doesn't like them. Howard said that maybe she's right. He said that Savage made some comments about autism being faked and he can't believe the guy really believes that.
Howard said that Savage was on Larry King talking about how his comment was taken out of context but it really wasn't. He played a clip of Michael Savage giving his opinion on autism where he says that it's fraud. He said that people get extra welfare when their kids have autism. He said that in 99 percent of the cases the kid is just a brat who hasn't been told to cut it out. Howard said the guy is just trying to make a living by being outrageous and he's being a douche. He said there's no conviction behind that.
Artie said that he didn't know what they were responding to but he was laughing at Howard's response to the guy. Howard told him what they were playing and what the guy was doing. They spent a minute on that and then played some audio of him on Larry King's show, without Larry King, talking about what he was saying that day. Howard said that Savage's real name is actually Michael Alan Weiner. Howard said that won't fly on radio.
Howard played the audio of Savage defending himself and claiming that he never said that autism doesn't exist. He explained what he knew about autism and how that comment was taken out of context. The host filling in for Larry was saying that he's been taken out of context too. He quoted him and said that what he said was kind of out of line.
Howard said that Savage should have just stuck by what he said because they're not going to fire him for what he said. He said that the guy was just giving his theory on what he thought about these people getting welfare and how they're getting extra. Howard said that he was being a pussy by going on Larry King and being a different guy.
Howard moved on but said that someone told him that Savage had something to say about him on his show. He said he didn't have audio of that though. Benjy looked that up and found that Savage was critiquing Howard for his treatment of retarded people. Howard said that maybe retarded people are just faking it like Autistic people.
Howard said he thinks the guy is just trying to make a living by being controversial and that's why he's doing this.
Artie said that Robert Smigel has an autistic kid and hearing that kind of stuff must piss him off. Howard said that according to Savage, Smigel must just be a crappy parent.
Eric said that he's not going to play along with them after waiting on hold for 2 and a half hours. He said that he spent less time on the dentist chair last week and it was less painful. Artie asked him why he listens every second and calls in all the time.
Eric said that he had an assignment to call in to remind them that Johnny Fratto is doing a photo shoot for his Beverly Hills Choppers calendar and he's holding a casting call. Howard said that's a horrible plug and it's boring. Eric said that he's going to be there picking out the girls with Johnny. He said that he has an eye for good looking females so he'll be good at that.
Artie asked Fred how many people he thinks are going to show up. Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' clip. He also threw in the ''redrum'' clip from The Shining. Eric said that he's heard that a lot of girls show up for the photo shoot. Eric said that he thinks that it's a paid job but he's not sure.
Howard said that he's seen the G. Gordon Liddy calendar and the chicks in there aren't that hot and they must not get paid. Howard tried to say bye to Eric but Eric was plugging more stuff like the JFSC.tv site where they're going to be doing some shows covering some TV shows. No one was sure what he was talking about though.
Steve said that they had a pole on the Sirius.com web site about who was creepier and both Eric The Midget and High Pitch got about the same amount of votes. Steve gave some information about Jay Leno retiring next May and wrapped up his news.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to thank him for turning him on to Beck's beer. He said he tried it the other night and he liked it. Howard asked the guy how AshleyMadison.com is working out for him. The guy just laughed.
Fred found a bunch more on the web and read off a huge list of names for Jews. There were a bunch that the guys had never heard before.
Robin said that Fred was the one guy who did say something to her and he was very mean about it. She said that Howard and Fred were fighting about something and when she chimed in Fred told her that she just gets fatter and fatter every year. Artie said he remembered that and it was like Robin shoved Fred and he shot her with a bazooka.
Artie said that he thinks that Bob Levy during the World's Meanest Listener contest going off on her being fat. He told her she looked like Warren Sapp the football player.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about how they could have spoken to Robin about her weight. Howard said that a friend doesn't just tell them that they're a fatso and walk away. They should sit down and talk to them about their weight. Artie said that a real friend wouldn't play song parodies and make fun of them every day about how much they're eating. He was being sarcastic and making fun of the way Howard goofs on him all the time.
Robin read the article that she had about this subject and said that they say that you should never do it in front of an audience, just like Fred did. Fred said that he didn't get the memo on that.
Robin read a story about Captain Lou Albano's 75th birthday party getting out of hand. She had a story about Chris Booker's girlfriend Alycia Lane who used to be a news anchor. Her former co-anchor was spying on her through her e-mail and now he's been fired for that.
Howard said that breaking into e-mail is a crime and you can go to jail for that stuff. Howard said that he had something similar going on with his personal e-mail and someone who worked for them. He said that he didn't go after the person but he knows about the laws and the people will go to jail for doing stuff like that.
Ralph said that he thought that Alycia was a loon when she was talking about that but that stuff can really hurt a person's career and she was right. Howard said that the company that fired her should approach her and hire her back. Robin said she thinks that she's suing them now.
Artie said that he met her and he thought that she was some kind of nut when he heard the stories about her but she turned out to be a really nice person. They spent a minute talking about that before Howard had her get back to her news.
Robin read a story about Patrick Swayze who is making a miraculous recovery from his cancer battle. She didn't have many details on what his treatment was. Howard said that's good for him. He said that he loved Ghost and Dirty Dancing.
Robin brought up Christian Bale and how great he was in Batman The Dark Knight. She said that he's never in the tabloids but he is now. He's being charged with assaulting his mother and sister in a hotel room. Robin said he was at a prestigious hotel in England and they had to call the cops on him. Artie said that he wished that he couldn't relate to that but he can.
Robin had some news about NBC dropping Jay Leno next year and how NBC is saying that they might keep Jay there to do something else. Howard and the guys weren't sure why they'd keep Jay there if he's not going to do the Tonight Show. Howard said you can't believe anything anyone says in broadcasting. He said that they could boot Letterman off of CBS and replace him with Leno for all they know.
Leno showed up to the press conference and ripped Jimmy Kimmel off by doing something similar where he asked his own questions. He acknowledged Kimmel in that press conference though. Howard talked about how lame Jay is and how empty inside the guy is. He said he's like am empty vessel. He said that he did the same bit that Jimmy just did like 3 days ago. He said he almost did it with no shame. Howard said that it's so dumb and gay that they have to do things like that.
The guys were wondering what Stuttering John is going to do when Leno leaves. Howard thinks that John will move on to do another show where he raises his mug to the host. Artie said he thinks John will be okay.
Robin had a story about a couple that got divorced and the woman went on YouTube and talked about her divorce and what her husband did to her. She claimed that she only got $750,000 and she's now $100,000 in debt after going to court. Howard said he can't imagine living with that woman after he heard the audio clips of her talking. Robin said that one of the reasons that the judge granted the divorce was because of the videos that the woman made.
Robin read through some more stories about A-Rod's divorce and Britney Spears losing custody of her kids. Howard interrupted and said that the reason he doesn't go to Robin with stuff is because she ridiculed him for going to her after her roast and asked her if she was okay. He said that all he did was ask her if she was okay and she made fun of him for asking. Robin said that she told him that she was fine and didn't laugh at him. Howard said that she said that she was weireded out by him. Robin said that he was full of it.
Artie said that Howard was trying to be sweet to her and she just went off on him. Robin said that Howard didn't do it in the right way. She said that he could have come to her in a different way.
Robin read that Roger Ebert is retiring from Ebert and Roeper. Yesterday she announced that Roeper was leaving the show. Robin read more about the athlete that died during the New York City Triathalon. She said that they're still looking into his death to find out why he died. Robin had some clips of Barack Obama and John McCain. She had some stories about truck drivers who are threatening people on the road.
Robin had some news about the case that the FCC had against CBS for the Janet Jackson top dropping from the Super Bowl. That case was thrown out of court by a judge. Robin had some news about Don Imus, the Batman movie, Eva Longoria hosting the Alma Awards and a guy who blew up his apartment trying to kill bugs. She wrapped up after that and Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
The guys were talking about how Will was able to deflect the discussion about his wedding right of to Jason's. They were saying that Will got of easy today and he didn't even take that much shit about not inviting Scott the Engineer to his wedding. Will said that he and Scott have gotten closer over the past few months and he's actually a good guy.
Jason said that he might be irresponsible with his money but that's it. He said that he really didn't want the big wedding but now that it's happening he's going to do it right. Will said that he's never heard Jason complain about the money issues but he has heard him talk about how cool the wedding is going to be. Jason said that there are certain aspects that are going to be cool but he doesn't talk about it that much. He said he can't wait to marry Janice and spend the rest of his life with her but he's not that excited about the whole wedding. He said that every wedding is exactly the same and this one will fit into that mold.
Will said that Jason is the one making the decision to throw in that extra 15 grand into the wedding. He had the choice to do that. Jason said that he didn't put his foot down about it when he could but he didn't want to get into that kind of argument before they even got married.
Jason said that he wanted to make sure that this wedding was going to be nice. He said he wasn't trying to impress anyone there at work though. He said that if he was realistic with himself he would have just gone to a VFW hall but that wouldn't be that nice for the rest of the wedding.
Gary said that he gets what Jason is saying and that he didn't envision this in the beginning but that's where he's going with it now.
Gary asked Will about his wedding and will was saying that his wedding should be about $15,000 less than Jason's.
Gary asked Jason why his loan rate is so high too. Jason said that he's an idiot with money and was worried he wouldn't get a loan so he just took what he could get. He said he didn't go shopping for it, he just took what he could get when he could get it. Jason was going to take a second job to pay for the wedding if he hadn't gotten the loan.
Jon said that the interest rate was about what a credit card rate would be. Gary told Jason he should have taken out some money from his credit card if that's the case. Jason said that people are trying to spin it that he's trying to blame people for what's gone on. He said that it's all on him and he's the one who made that decision.
Gary said that a lot of people do what Jason does in this country. Gary said that there are people who will tell you not to pay a bill with cash and use a credit card. He said that it's fine until you have to pay a crazy interest rate.
Will said that he thinks that he probably budgets his money better than Jason does. Jason agreed with that and said that he probably shouldn't have cable TV and air conditioning. Jon said that's different than taking out a $15,000 loan. Jason said that he's doing this stuff for the first time and he's learning on his way.
Jon took some phone calls and one guy asked Gary if he has lost respect for Jason a little bit after today. Gary said he didn't but he sees that people get caught up in this wedding stuff. He said that the wedding thing is a very northeast thing and they don't spend this kind of money in other parts of the country. He said they're very elaborate and insane around that area.
Jason talked about how he went out and spent a lot of money on a good Plasma TV to make sure he had a good quality TV. That's kind of what he was doing with the wedding and things may have gotten out of control with it. He blames himself for it all and he's trying to get it all under control. He hopes to be debt free by the start of next year. At least for that loan.
Benjy asked Jason if Janice was okay with the small wedding plans that he had. Jason said that she was not cool with that. He said that he wants to do what she wants to do because it's going to make her happy. Jason said he really doesn't care about the wedding that much. Will cut him off and said that's just not true and he's come into the office and thrown out some ideas about what he wanted to do at the wedding.
Jason said that he hates the garter belt part of the wedding so they're not going to do that. He said that they talked about doing this bit that the Flight of the Concords do but that was just a discussion. Jon and Will said that they thought he was serious about that.
Jon said that Jason described some of that stuff to him and this was going to be the wedding of the century. They were going to do the exchanging of the dog and cat and the big Flight of the Concords thing and it was going to be huge. He said there was no way he was going to miss it.
Gary said that some of his ideas were sounding like the Mama Mia play. Jason said they were just ideas and they're not going to do any of that. Jason said that the one thing they did seriously discuss was doing something with the dog.
Jason said that one night Janice told him that she wished that he was as excited about the wedding as much as he was about Amsterdam. Jason said he told her he wished he was too but the Amsterdam trip was just so much better. Jason was giggling like a kid when he talked about all of the stuff that was available over there in Amsterdam.
Will told Jason he didn't have to invite everyone from work to his wedding. Jason said that he likes all of the people he invited and he doesn't regret it. Will said that you don't have to invite everyone though. Jason said that he invited a lot of people from the office there. Shuli wasn't on that list though. Jason said that they're all his friends, including Teddy. That led to a discussion about how Teddy and Jason are ''bros'' because that's what Jason claimed. Teddy said that he got to hang and get to know Jason better over in Amsterdam. They bonded over there.
Jason said that the toughest cut for the wedding was the people who went to Amsterdam but didn't get on the list for the wedding. He said he had to cut his guest list by 20 people.
Jason was goofing on Will about how he wasn't able to pick a song for his wedding and his girlfriend is getting all upset about that. Jason said that they picked a song for their wedding and it was ''Love'' by John Lennon. He heard that Will got in trouble when he didn't cry over the song that he picked for the wedding. Will said that he didn't show the appropriate emotional connection to the song.
Benjy asked Jason if his honeymoon is paid for already. Jason said that they have put some money on that already but he has to send off some more money to pay it off. They talked about Dominic Barbara offering up his place for them and how nice that was. Jason won't be taking him up on the offer though.
A caller brought up how Jason is talking about paying off his wedding with the gifts that he gets at his wedding. Will said that money might not be intended for that. Jason said that he's choosing to pay off that loan with that money and that's his decision.
The caller brought up how many people he had at his wedding and how he barely knew who was there. He said that you don't know what the future is going to bring down the road and you have to have all of those people there. You don't want people remembering that you were a cheap bastard with the wedding.
Jason said he knows that it's a stupid waste of money but he's going to be paying it off himself and he's not worried about it.
Jon asked Jason if he would be hurt if Gary wasn't able to make it to the wedding. Jason said that he might be a little hurt. Jon asked him if he would get upset if Gary went to a Springsteen concert instead of to his wedding. Jason said he would be hurt by that and even if other people did something similar to that.
Gary said that there is a person there who won't be able to attend Jason's wedding and he wanted them to come in and talk about it. They have someone who is going to see a band on the date of Jason's wedding and that's going to be his excuse. Jason said that he was put off already. It turns out it was Richard Christy.
Gary said that Richard brought up the reason for why he can't go to the wedding and it sounded like it was lacking for a good reason. Richard said that he's going to see Coheed and Cambria in Los Angeles and New York and he's going to be in L.A. for the show so he can't make it to Jason's wedding.
Richard said that he doesn't even have tickets yet though. Jason said that it's probably more fun to go to that than his wedding so he gets it. Richard said that he feels bad but Will is saying that he'd be upset if he went to Jason's wedding and not to his. Richard said he's not gay and doesn't care about weddings. Jon pointed out that Richard did suggest they do a gay act to get Rush on the show yesterday.
Richard said that he would love to hang out with Jason but a wedding isn't that big of a deal for him. Jason said that this isn't really a good reason to not go to the wedding. He said that it's a band that he's seen before and he's hung out with them already. He hasn't even booked the trip. Richard said that they're playing every album they've ever done and he really wants to see them.
Richard said that he wouldn't mind if Jason didn't come to his wedding. He said that they're good friends and he wouldn't care that much. Richard also said that he thought that Jason didn't care about the wedding. Jason said that the party part of the wedding he doesn't care that much about.
Richard said that the concert is one of the most important things in his life and the wedding isn't. He said that he feels bad but he's going to go see the concert. Jason said that he was upset about this and this is a bullshit kind of thing to get out of going. Jason said he was going to give Richard a pass because he knows he may not be there mentally. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Jon asked Richard if he would feel bad if Jason didn't show up to his wedding and went to a Guitar Hero concert or something. Richard said that it wouldn't matter if he knew how much that meant to Jason. Richard said that he would even miss Howard and Beth's wedding for that concert.
Richard said that he's going to four concerts and he will pee in his pants if he has to so he doesn't miss a good song. Richard said that he and Jason should go out the weekend before if he wants to hang out. Jason said that the whole wedding is about having people you love around you and he wants them there. He said he knows that might sound gay but that's the way he feels.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Jason has asserted his desires in anything in this wedding and gotten his way. Jason said he has but he wasn't able to think of any of the things he has gotten. He said that he got Janice. Shuli told him that was a good answer. Jon told him it only took him 54 minutes to give the right answer there.
Jason said that he doesn't care about the colors and flowers and stuff. He said that he doesn't care what he eats or what they do. He just wants an open bar and a non-religious ceremony. He got those two things and he's happy about that.
Shuli was about to get into it with Richard about the Coheed and Cambria concerts but they were just about out of time. Jason said that he didn't know that it was multiple concerts that they were doing. Ralph called in at the last minute and said something about how people shouldn't get married if they can't afford it. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show saying that he's hoping that everyone is doing better than Christian Bale who was arrested. Robin said he was brought in for questioning about the possibility that he beat up his mother and sister.
Howard said he was reading that his mother was a circus clown and that has to be a tough life for someone. He said that he had 3 sisters and one of them was in theater and that got him interested in acting. He ended up getting into a Steven Spielberg movie and that got his career going. Robin said that he was recommended for the movie by someone who had seen him in something else.
Howard and Robin talked about the information that they had about Christian's life and what he had to go through to get into acting. Artie said that it sounds like a crazy life he had. Howard said his father moved to America and then married Gloria Steinham. He died 3 years later.
Howard said that it's wild that the guy who played Batman has been arrested. He said that they're denying that Bale did anything that his mother and sister are claiming he did. The mother and sister are saying that it's a family matter and not talking about exactly what went on.
Robin said that the mother and sister didn't report this until the day after the alleged incident. She said it sounds like an estranged family situation to her. She said that they haven't seen each other in 8 years and maybe they're not all that happy with him.
Robin said there wasn't even a suggestion that there was anything physical going on and it may have just been someone running around a room wildly. He could be being charged with just being mean. The laws in England say that assault can mean just someone yelling in a room with other people. Howard seemed to find that fascinating. Artie said that he's assaulted a lot of people if that's the case.
Pete went off on Artie saying that he thinks that he's good looking and he's getting all kinds of hot chicks and stuff. Artie went off on Pete and goofed on him about being on the phone all the time and told him to send in a picture of himself so he can see what he looks like. Pete went off on Artie for disrespecting Donald Trump and things like that. Artie said that he doesn't care and told Pete to go to work and stop listening to the show.
Pete was cursing Artie out and Artie was calling him a douche bag and told him to come out and see him there and they'll talk. Artie said he has a feeling that the guy doesn't work and he has time to do this stuff. Pete said that he is unemployed. He said he was a bartender. That led to Artie laughing at him and goofing on him about that. He told him that he has to be hideous too and wants to see what he looks like.
Pete said that he can get women because he is a bartender. Artie figured he was one at TGI Fridays. Pete said that he smokes a lot of marijuana so he hasn't been able to get a job. He said he's been listening to the other shows on Howard's channels and he just hasn't been able to find anything. That led to Artie calling him a fag and saying that he's probably sucked a cock. Pete said that when he was on ecstasy one time he may have done something but it was just that time. Then he said he was just kidding about that.
Artie said that he has no balls to yell at Howard and that's why he's yelling at him. Artie told him to tell Howard to shut off his microphone and he'll turn him off and then he'll go out and get another job. He said he's been working for many years in the business and he'll have no problem finding another job.
Fred asked Pete if he's ever tried to get back stage at one of Artie's shows before. Pete said he has been to a show but never tried to get back stage. Artie figured that the guy is just a jealous prick and he should go kill himself by jumping off a bridge. He said that he will pay SIRIUS double what this guy pays for his subscription to get rid of him.
Another caller said that Pete is always calling the Wrap Up Show going off on Artie. Artie said he knows, he's heard this guy call in before. Another caller said that he kind of agrees with Pete and ever since he got back he's been talking too much. He said that he's kind of taking over the show.
Artie told Pete he's just a jerk off and he should go blow Terry Bradshaw. Howard took another call from a woman who said that she has to disagree with this guy because Artie is awake and alive on the show and she loves it. Howard said that he guesses that Artie has his fans and people that don't like him. The woman said that they're all engaging and she loves it.
Artie said that the online things they do there are stupid but they did have a vote that said that 44 percent of the people like him the best on the show. Artie said that he hopes that Pete has AIDS from that gay act and he should go off with High Pitch Mike and die. Artie told him to go get another wacky weed joint and shove it up his ass. The woman on the phone told Pete to go fuck himself too.
Artie said that he'd like to talk to this douche bag in person. Pete said he'd like to knock him out. Pete said that Artie was raised by women so that's why he turned out the way he did. Artie said that Pete must have been raised by his father because he turned out to be a pothead bartender. He said that maybe his father could bore him to death with his life story.
Pete asked Artie if he really wants to meet him. Artie said he does and told Pete to write a letter to Hertz with a Crayon and see if they'll send him a car. Either that or hitchhike to New York. Artie said that he's overstayed on his quota for the morning and he's got to stop talking. Artie blamed Pete for making him talk so much this morning.
Artie said that this is how half of his friends talk to him so he'll probably end up being friends with this guy. Pete said he had to get going and ended up hanging up.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Artie she'd take him on. She said that he's got some kind of hang up with her. Artie said that she's the one who brings up his name all the time but Mariann said that it was him who brought up her name this morning. She wasn't even going to call in.
Howard said that coming up at 7 o'clock this morning is Artie's heart attack. Artie was doing an impression of Mariann from Brooklyn and goofed on her. He kept saying that he hates her and called her a cunt a bunch of times. He said that he'd take her on after Pete. Then he said that he can't touch a woman. Then he took back the cunt comment and said that he can't disrespect an Italian woman like that.
Mariann told Artie to go fuck himself and go stick his dick in a blender. She said that she doesn't use it anyway. Artie said that he'd use it to shut her up.
Artie pointed out that Mariann is friends with High Pitch Eric so Howard asked what she thinks about what he did recently. Mariann said that she's worried about him and she thinks that he's not all there. She said that she did buy him two slices of pizza the other day though. She said she's not sure why he goes to that level the way he does. She asked Artie why he goes to that level using heroin and stuff like that. Artie tried to explain but she was talking over him.
Mariann asked if she can do another radio show because she's going to work on some topics for the next one. Howard let her go a short time later after Artie called her a cunt-cock.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that people in England can be held for 3 days for an investigation. They don't even have to release the real reasons that someone was arrested.
Wendy said that she has watched that movie about 200 times. Howard asked if she thinks that stuff can be real. She said that she does because she's not sure what's real and not real. Howard suggested that she watch some comedies instead. Wendy said that she has some comedy movies but she also has some rated R movies. Howard asked Wendy if she ever pretends that she's killed people when she plays the part of Freddy Kruger.
Artie said that a transcript of this show would get them all arrested after hearing what Howard was talking to Wendy about. Howard asked Wendy a bunch of questions and she was just saying ''yes'' to every question he had. He asked her if she's ever entered people's heads while they sleep. Wendy said she has. She said that it's not illegal to do that when they're sleeping.
Wendy said that she dresses up like Freddy sometimes and she has all of the stuff she needs for the costume. Howard said that this must be disrupting her life and it must scare her. He asked her why she would put herself into such a state of fear. Wendy said she has nothing better to do.
Artie asked if anyone there can tell the difference between her and Pete from Pittsburgh. Howard kept asking her questions about her costume and found out that it stinks and she's crapped in it before. Wendy said that she went trick or treating and she wasn't able to hold it in long enough to get back home. She said that she went in the costume accidentally. That led to the guys asking Wendy if she's ever found pussy hair in the doody and if she puts the candy in the doody. She said yes to all of the questions no matter how outrageous they were.
Howard gave Wendy an F, Marry Kill game with Freddy, Chucky and Michael Myers. Wendy said that she would marry Freddy, fuck Chucky and kill Michael Myers.
Artie asked Wendy how enormous her pussy bush is. She said that it was normal. She said that she didn't have any piss and shit in there. Artie finally got a no out of her.
Richie Wilson came in and told the guys that when Wendy was up there one time she came out of the bathroom with shit on her hands and put it in his face to show him. That means that she's probably not lying about all of the shit stories she was telling them.
Wendy said that she used to go number 2 first and then number 1. Howard said that most people pee and then make doody. Wendy said that she does it opposite of that. Howard asked Wendy if she holds it in because she likes to have fun more than going to the bathroom. He asked if that's why she pees her pants. Wendy said that's right. Howard said he thinks that she's doing it too much. Wendy said she can't help it.
Artie said that he's shit when he's all heroined up and you just can't control anything. It must be like that for Wendy. Wendy said that she was up all night and accidentally went number 1 in her pants. She said that her mother has taught her how to use the bathroom but she still does that once in a while.
Howard told Wendy that maybe she should put a TV in the bathroom so she can watch that while she's making a doody. Wendy said that would work. She said her mother has thought about putting her into a diaper. She said that she has tried them on like when she was a kid... when she was 18.
Howard asked what movie makes her shit the most. She said it's the Chucky movies. Howard asked what her sexiest outfit is. She said that she has a one piece bathing suit. Artie said that she probably has a 4 piece bathing suit. Howard asked her what kind of attention she gets. She said that she gets people honking horns at her when they drive by when she's sitting out in the front of her house.
Wendy said that she has peed in the pool before too. Artie asked Teddy to make a note to cancel his pool party at Wendy's house after hearing that. Howard asked if she has hair that runs out of the bathing suit and down her leg. She said that she does. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later and let her go.
Artie said that he'd put this interview at number 2, right after the Paul McCartney interview. Howard said he's picturing the people driving by honking as guys who are actually passing out and falling on the horn when they see her in her bathing suit.
Artie e said that someone has to be bringing in the food for him but they don't show who that is. He said that the guy sits there with this tray on his belly and he eats like John Geilgood with his pinkie out but the guy is giant. He has a giant vat of mayonnaise on the side and he puts that on his salad.
Howard played a prank that Sal and Richard did with some clips of Wendy the Retard doing her Freddy Kruger impression. They were doing their Jack and Rod show with a woman and had Wendy doing her Freddy impression. The guys were getting some laughs from that.
Howard said he had some clips from this show ''I Eat 33,000 Calories A Day'' that Artie was talking about. He played one where the host is talking about how the guy has to be fed pure oxygen all day long so he can breath. The guy they had on this version of the show wasn't the one that Artie was talking about. Artie said that this guy is a great one though even though it's not the same guy he saw.
Artie said that this black guy is loved by the grocery store guys because he'll pay people to bring him food. He said that he puts a bucket out the window and puts money in it for the people who put food in there. Howard played more of the clip of this guy talking about all of the food he eats and how he gets the food in the hook and bucket.
Howard said that he did have the clips of the British guy that Artie was talking about. He played those clips where the guy talks about the amount of food he eats. He was spending up to 38 dollars a day on chocolate bars alone. They counted up the calories for him and it was over 36,000 a day. They said that's the average for a normal man for 2 weeks.
Howard said that they're kind of goofing on the guy but they do it in a serious way so it sounds like they're not. Artie said that the guy is sitting there looking like a whale in that special. Howard did an impression of the announcer and goofed on that for a few seconds. Howard said that they should take clips of Artie eating and get that woman to read over that video. Artie said that he's pretty sure they could find that chick or someone else to do something like that.
Howard played some more of that show and did more of his impression of the announcer talking about what Artie eats. Artie said it would be funny if they did that fast motion thing and had him eating like that while the announcer talks over him.
Bobo called in and said that he figured out the problem he had with his phone. it turns out he was dialing one number too many and they were cutting him off. Howard didn't seem to care and got back to goofing on Artie for a short time.
Howard said that Benjy is still fat and he eats healthy stuff all the time. Fred said that he eats healthy but he eats a ton of healthy food. He said that he gets a huge thing of salad and it's like a laundry tub full.
Fred said that Benjy will open up his salad during the show and you can hear the pop from the lid that he's pulling off. The guys talked to Benjy about some of the other stuff he eats and how he doesn't eat all that much junk. Benjy said that he's trying to just eat when he's hungry. Fred said that must be all the time.
Howard said that he eats an egg white sandwich for breakfast, then he'll have something for lunch and then dinner. He doesn't eat all the time. Fred said that Benjy eats when he's hungry but that has to be all the time because he's always eating.
Benjy said that he has a salad coming soon and it's not all that big. Fred said that it's like the size of a bale of hay.
Artie said that Benjy has a whole thing going on when he's mixing his salad. He's got a spatula and things that he mixes in. Howard asked him why he doesn't just eat a sandwich. Artie said that Fred gives him a look when he sees Benjy's meals and it's like he's shocked at what he's seeing. Fred said that he's astounded when he sees the food he eats. He said that Benjy is eating all wrong.
Howard asked Fred to announce to him what's going on with Benjy when he sees him eating. Fred said that he'll have to write it down because Benjy will get all self conscious if he yells it out. He may not even start now, he may wait a week or two.
Howard said he heard that Benjy is riding a bicycle now. Benjy said that he really enjoys that and that's why he's doing that instead of other stuff. He said that he was riding on the West Side Highway at 11 o'clock last night. He said he was out for an hour and a half last night. He said he rides at night because he doesn't like the sun. He said it's more of an adventure at night too.
Howard asked Benjy how much sleep he gets if he goes out at that time of night. Benjy said that it's like 6 hours or so. Howard said it had to be 1 in the morning by the time he got up. Benjy said that he slept for like a half hour after that but he sleeps during the day.
Howard said that Benjy has to be lying about this. He asked Benjy more about when he sleeps and stuff but Benjy was saying that he hates going to bed at 8 or 9 at night. He said that he sleeps in the afternoon and then stays up all night so he can come into work. Howard told him that what he's doing is very peculiar and he has to go to bed at a normal hour. Artie said that Howard is right and said that he's fat now because his sleep schedule is all fucked up. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said he thought he had Jason print that out but he didn't have it. He said that he wanted to blast this guy for printing something like that. Jason came in and tried to find it for him since it was in yesterday's stuff. Howard said that he's not sure who this guy is but he's just not right. He said that he has kids who could read that and it's not true.
Howard said that he wants to set the record straight on this whole thing. Robin said that the guy just thinks that about Howard and he didn't look it up. Howard said that it just bums him out when he reads stuff like that. He said his kids know that it's not true but it's still not right.
Artie said that every jerk off has a blog out there now and it's out of control. Howard found the story and said that it was from CityFile.com. He read through the report where the guy is talking about this CNBC interview that Howard and Beth did and gives a synopsis of the write up. Then he throws in the comment about how they left out the part about Howard meeting Beth when he was ''very much married at the time.''
Benjy found the name of the owner of the site and passed it along to Gary so they can call the guy and find out why they're writing lies about him.
Howard said that there's another commissioner that won't vote. He said that this is communism the way they're going through this. Howard said that this is such a simple decision and it's so obvious that the lobbyists are getting to these people. He said that the FCC has never voted against the Department of Justice, until now. He said that they're trying to force them to do all kinds of things with this merger and he thinks that someone from the FCC is going to get a really good job in a terrestrial radio company if they can stop this merger.
Howard read an article about the merger and how the FCC has taken 16 months already and still hasn't given a decision. He said that this is what happens in a communist country and they remove the rules and just put companies out of business.
Robin said that it's like the mob and it's like they want to kill a guy and this is how they're going to do it.
Howard read more about the conditions that the FCC is going to put on the merger and how it's probably going to screw it up and it won't go through. Howard said that what the FCC is doing right now is unbelievable. He said that this is him talking, not anyone else from SIRIUS, but it would mean a lot if the merger went through. It's going to save a company or two from going out of business.
Howard said that they're going to force the company to promote high-def radio and that's their competition. He said that they're not forcing the terrestrial radio makers to promote satellite radio. It doesn't make any sense.
Artie said that it's the direct opposite of American. He said that they lost $560 million last year and these people are trying to put them out of business. Howard said that he has some friends who have tried to get jobs there but they can't hire anyone until after the merger. He said it's slowing down the whole business and it's screwing over the consumers too.
Howard said that they're really showing that this is politics and that they're trying to put them out of business by dragging this out so long. He said that they could just give them a yes or a no answer but they just keep dragging things out. Artie said that there are people putting so much money into this company because they believe in something and the government is stopping them from becoming successful.
Artie said that Jim Cramer has talked about how these politicians are being bought off and they're being bought off for cheap.
Howard said that he's not sure when he's going to get his ring tattoo. He's actually going to get a ''B'' tattoo on his finger instead of getting a wedding ring. He said that Beth told him to wait until after the wedding but he's not sure when he's going to do it. Lisa asked if Howard has taken out a marriage license yet. Howard said he hasn't done that either.
Lisa said that she spoke to Gilbert Gottfried about a coaching thing he did for someone from the Today Show. Howard said he read about that and you'd think that Gilbert would be the last person anyone would go to for comedy training.
Lisa said that Bob Levy is upset with Will and Jason's comments about his upcoming fight with Danny Bonaduce and how no one is going to care about it. Howard and Artie said that they're interested, very interested. Artie said that he's seen Bob fight and he knows that he's not some punk kid. He said that Bob is a tough guy and he saw him punch a guy out at a comedy show a few years ago. He said that Bob got the best of the guy and the guy was a big guy. Lisa said that Shuli has been doing the stories so he knows more about it.
Howard asked Lisa if she likes when Shuli says ''Shalom beotch.'' She said that she kind of got upset about Shuli doing that when he did ''Shalom Homo'' with Joey Boots. She said that it was kind of funny but also very wrong. Howard said that he kind of likes the Shalom Beotch thing. Artie said he thinks that he's pushing it a little too much.
Howard said he can't wait to see this comedy act from the chick on The Today Show. He and Artie said that she's probably going to be doing the same impressions that Gilbert does.
Artie said that they gave Shuli 2 nights at Caroline's next week after they bumped him from his show. He said that's a pretty big deal for him over there. Howard let Lisa go a short time later.
Robin said that he had a lot of stuff that he had her singing when he met her. Howard was trying to get the guy back on the phone but the connection was bad so they were still calling him trying to get a clear connection.
Artie said that the guy had Howard's high school year book and he had all of them sign that. He said that he didn't know what he paid for it though. Howard said he has a copy of that and looked at it not too long ago. He said that he hated that school that he went to. He said that he's almost invisible in that year book. He was in the Key Club and that was about it. He hated that and failed at it. Howard said he got depressed looking at the year book and he kind of remembered some of the people but has no connection to them now.
Artie said that he would have thought that Howard would love how successful he is now. Howard said he does like that but he thinks about how awful those times in school were.
Howard picked up on Lenny and asked about how much he paid for the year book. Lenny said he paid about $160 which wasn't all that much. He said that he's been collecting since 1992. He said that he wanted to find out more about the show before he started listening.
Howard said that Lenny owns the slashed painting that he cut up in the studio after a fan gave it to him. Lenny said that the guy took it back because he was so upset about it. Lenny said that the guy sold it to him through eBay.com . Howard said that kid was his intern and he gave him that painting his mother did and it was just hideous. He said that it was clear it was him but it made him look worse than he actually does. He said it was him but it was a very insulting picture of him.
Howard said that he ended up taking a knife to the painting and slashed it up in the studio after smashing it. Lenny said that he paid $720 for that painting. Howard said he didn't know the kid took it back and sold it.
Howard said that he saw that Lenny got one of his old paychecks from WCCC. Howard wondered how someone gets something like that. He figured it was personal. Lenny said he didn't know, he just saw it pop up on eBay.com and bought it.
Howard asked Lenny where he keeps all of this stuff. Lenny said he's working on getting a display case for his living room. He's not married so he has no problem putting that stuff in there.
Howard said that Lenny has a cigar box with the drug paraphernalia from Private Parts. Lenny said that it does look like the right cigar box and there were about 30 fake joints in the box even though there were only 4 in the movie.
Howard said that Lenny has a tin foil Howard Stern figure. Lenny said that he loves that and it's really cool. He said that some lady did it and it turned out to be his favorite piece and he picked it up for just $55 on eBay.com. He said that it's actually pretty heavy and very well made.
Howard said that Lenny also has a 1984 letter from Randy Baumgarten that he sent to a listener about Robin ruining the show. Artie and Robin said that they both saw that letter. That one only cost Lenny $7.
Dominic said that he has a few items like a slot machine that Howard gave him. He said that he has Robin and Howard on it and it was signed by Howard. He said that he was offered $25,000 for it but he will never sell it. Howard said he remembers that machine. He said that he's given away a lot of that stuff too. He said that he likes to give it away to people. Howard said that the slot machine is really great and he didn't know what to do with it. He gave it to Dominic.
Gary came in and told Dominic to talk about the one thing he has that's really creepy. Dominic said he was going to save that until after this next thing. He said he bought a painting that Leroy Neiman did and got it signed by everyone.
Dominic said that he has the sheets from the bed from the night that Howard and Beth banged for the first time. Then he claimed he was just kidding and he didn't actually save them like that. He said that he does have the original Leroy Neiman signed by everyone plus Hank the Dwarf. He thinks that he could sell that slot machine for like $150,000. Howard said that he's kind of upset that he gave that to Dominic because he would like to have that for the Howard Stern Museum.
Howard said that he has a bunch of guitars too and he gave a bunch away. He said that he's saved some and has them hanging on a wall. He said that they're pretty meaningful to him.
Howard read through some of the other stuff that Lenny has. Artie said that he thinks he has one of the watches that Howard gave to the employees there. Lenny said that it's a watch from K-Rock, not the one that Artie is thinking about. Lenny said he has copies of all of the E! interview shows that Howard did. Howard said he thinks that he has 2 seasons of those. He said that show led to the E! show and that's how the show was born.
Howard and Lenny talked about the satellite merger thing and Lenny asked Howard about what the record companies think about this merger. Howard said that the odd thing is that they have to pay for the music they play on satellite and terrestrial radio stations don't. He said that terrestrial radio stations sell records and the record companies like that. Howard used this song ''I Kissed a Girl'' as being one of those songs that is probably a hit because of terrestrial radio. That led to him playing the top 5 songs. He quickly ran through those awful songs and had ''I Kissed a Girl'' at number 1. He played Sal's ''I pissed on a girl'' as the number one song instead. That led to the guys talking about Sal's odd fetishes for a short time.
Artie said that he noticed that Lenny seems like he might be a rich guy but maybe inherited money. Lenny said that he's worked in sales for many years and he's not really rich, but he does alright. Artie said that his interests are very diverse too. Artie said that Lenny gave him a tape of a Bob Costas interview with Mickey Mantle that was really great. He said that it was awesome and he really appreciated it.
Howard thanked Lenny for calling and wrapped up. Lenny asked if he could hook him up with Tabitha Stevens. Howard said he didn't think he could do that. He let him go a short time later. They also talked about how they think that Dominic really does have the sheets and he just backed off when he saw how creeped out Howard was going to be.
Riley said that he will forgive Artie if he explains why he thinks he's been ripped off. Riley said he will repay him if he sends it back or not if he gives him a good explanation. He gave him 48 hours to get back to him.
Howard said that this reminds him about the first time Riley was on the show and how he told him that he was going to send him a symbol which is like a ticket to get on the alien ship when they come to pick them up. Howard said he handed him something that appeared to be drawn with crayons. He said it was something that a child would draw. He said he was very meticulous about coloring in the lines though. It was like getting a coloring book from a grown up.
Howard said that Riley spends time doing these things and colors very neatly. He said that he thought Riley gave it to him for free back then. Riley told him it was free and he threw it in the garbage. He didn't think he was taking them that seriously so he just threw it away.
Howard and Robin said that the symbols are too big to carry with you so the chances are that you won't have it when the aliens visit.
Artie said that he was just joking about the symbol and he thinks that it was the best $40 he's spent. He said that he loves to collect stuff like that and display it in his apartment. He said that if the symbol doesn't work when the aliens show up, he's going to be pissed and beat him up.
Artie said that he's met Richard's parents and they're the most loving, nicest people. Howard said that he loves the guy because he's the kind of guy that this country is all about. He said that he can't figure out what's up with Richard because he has such great parents. He said that something really dark must have gone on in Richard's life that fucked him up.
Richard said that things usually get blown out of proportion with him. Howard asked him if he was drinking champagne last night. Richard said that he had some wine and beer last night but it wasn't all that much. Howard asked Richard why he drinks to such excess. Richard said that he watches these shows on VH-1 about bands and he's kind of upset that he didn't go as far as some of these bands like Metallica. He thinks he doesn't have the talent to do what they did.
Richard said that he loved the band Death and it was great to play with them. He said he wouldn't want to be in a popular band if they're not playing the kind of music he likes.
Howard said he heard that Richard is buying champagne by the case. Richard said that is true. Howard said that he's going to have to sit him down and have a talk with him. Robin said that she can't believe that he would sit down with Richard and not with her. Howard said that's because Robin ridiculed him when he tried to talk to her.
Howard said that he was like a prisoner in his own little world. He said that he learned to effectively tune out his own feelings. He said he didn't feel he had to go to his father to talk because his father wouldn't have cared. Robin said that Richard's father would have cared. Howard said his father wouldn't have cared and he was never aware of the kind of situations he was in. He said that they only cared about themselves.
Howard said that his parents had a bunch of friends in their neighborhood in Roosevelt. He said that when they all moved away they didn't bother thinking that maybe it was a tough environment for their child. He said that they stayed there for way too long after everyone else moved out. If they were thinking about their child, they would have moved out of there.
Howard said that he doesn't attach himself to anyone because he figures that everyone is going to move away and they won't be reliable.
Howard said that the years he shared with Robin's craziness would make him mental. He said there were times she wouldn't talk to him and she was angry at him. He read that she used to stomp on his face when she'd go out running. Robin said that she would go out and walk around the block to get her head together when that was going on. She said that she had thoughts about people that weren't nearly as nice about Howard's.
Howard said that he never talked about how miserable he was working with Robin. He said that he never once thought she wasn't good for the show. Howard said that he wanted to fix the damaged woman and there was no way he would break up with Robin. Robin said she didn't know why he put up with it. Howard said that's because he was sick himself.
Howard said that there was a day when Robin went off on him in his office that made him think that he didn't want to work with her anymore. He said that he thought about talking to her about how unhappy he was. He said he sat her down and told her that he couldn't take it anymore. He said he had tears in his eyes as he did it. This was back when they first started out at K-Rock. Robin said it was probably at NBC as she's remembering it.
Howard asked Robin if she was ever suicidal. Robin said that she was and she would walk around her house looking for stuff that she could kill herself with. She had to get rid of anything that she could kill herself with.
Howard said that Robin went to therapy and the therapist helped her out. Robin said that the therapist told her that she had to wait 24 hours to say anything if she got upset about something instead of just going off on people. Robin said that's when she realized she was crazy.
Richard said he remembers her audio book and she said something about wanting to rip her shirt off out on the street. Robin said that she was an exhibitionist and she wanted to do that kind of stuff but she didn't do it. Richard aid that he feels the same way and he knows how Robin felt wanting to rip her shirt off. Artie said that there's a name for that and it's ''redneck fag.''
Howard said that he feels defeated in therapy just about every day because he can't seem to get better. He said his therapist won't let him out of therapy.
Howard said that a couple of years ago, after they did that roast of Robin, he thought that maybe she got upset about some of the stuff they said to her. He said he went to talk to her in a closed room and Robin isn't used to that from him. He said he tried to talk to her about the roast but she just laughed it off and made fun of him on the air after he did it. Robin said she wasn't mad and she didn't make fun of him. The guys all told her that she was mad at him and did make fun of him on the air. Howard said he was going to pull the tape if she kept arguing.
Fred said that it must have been the Robin character that she does. Robin said that Howard has ripped her heart out before and stomped on it. She said that he told people that she wasn't able to button her pants one time. Howard said that he didn't remember that. Robin said they were in Washington at the time and he brought it up on the air. Howard said that she was making fun of his weight at the time too.
Artie said that he's always asked about when he started out on the show. He said that he was writing jokes and stuff when he first started and he wasn't doing that well so Howard asked him to just say it himself and to be himself on the air. He said that Howard has never really told him how to act on the air but he does it in a passive aggressive way. He said that an example of that happened today. He said that he'll take a phone call that happens to make his point for him. He said that he'll let the fans bad mouth the people on the show or bad movies or something like that to make a point.
Artie said that he can tell when he bores Howard a little bit so he gets frantic. He said that he found that with the Afghanistan stories. He said he hates boring him like that and he knows that Howard will never say anything to him directly. He said that today he thinks that's why Howard took that call from the guy who went off on him for talking too much. Howard said that he's reading too much into it and that's not the case at all.
Artie said that he really thought that Howard was taking that call from the guy to go off on him on purpose. Artie said that he knows that guy calls in all the time but Howard said that he had no idea that he called in that often. Howard said that Artie isn't all that wrong about his theory. He said that he will consider what people say to him about the show.
Artie said that he loves working on this show the way they do and he doesn't like it when Howard takes the call from someone like that Pete guy and lets him go off on him. Howard said that if the guy is feeling that then maybe it's good to put him on the air to let them examine themselves.
Howard said that he met John at the event and the guy shook his hand. He said that John's hand was very wet and even a fish doesn't have that much water on it. John said that it was kind of humid out that day.
Howard said he showed up at the event because he wanted to help them out with the charity. He was doing interviews with everyone. John said that Howard came at the last 45 minutes of the event. Howard said that's not true, he was outside helping them out from the beginning.
John said that he had to get going and he just went to do it out of the goodness of his heart. John said he did want to meet Howard there too though. .Howard told John that he didn't behave correctly there. He said that he didn't say that he was a bad guy, he just has problems.
Howard said that he could tell there was something with this guy. He said he kept an eye on him through the event. He said that even Ross knew that the guy was a little off. He said that he shook John's hand and then took a picture with his wife. John said that someone else interrupted and ruined the photo opportunity withy Howard. Howard said that he did get a photo with him though. John said he did but it was a brief meeting.
John said that Howard didn't smile in the picture and he would have appreciated a smile. Howard said that he met John, shook his hand, said hi and then wanted to get to the other people there. Howard said that someone else came over to him and started talking to him. Then John came back to him and interrupted him again. Howard said that he tried to ignore John but he kept calling out his name. He turned to John and told him he was talking to someone and he couldn't talk to him. That led to John going to Beth and telling her that he was being mean to him.
Howard said that John came back to him when he wasn't speaking to anyone and ended up taking a picture with him. He said that he wasn't busy at the time so he had no problem doing that. They took pictures together but even that wasn't enough for John. John still wanted to spend more time with him.
John said that he didn't mean for it to come out the way it did there. He said that he went to Beth and told her that Howard must have been busy and he was kind of mean to him. Artie said that Beth is too nice and she should have said to him that he's probably a jerk off.
Howard said that he never said that John was a bad guy, he just comes on a little too strong. Howard said that he was in a rage and he was frantic when he didn't spend enough time with him. He said that to become a friend of his he should just lay back and not bother him.
Artie said that he has to see that this is rude behavior. John ended up hanging up before Artie could finish. Howard said that John is a nice guy, he just comes on a little too strong. Artie said he hopes he didn't get too upset about that, he did seem like a good guy.
Artie said that he was at a casino one night and he may have snorted something white that night, and he saw James Caan out at the casino and ended up following him around. He said that he later found out that he almost had security called.
Howard said that John had a nice wine at the event they were at and he was fan of that. He said that he was trying to be nice to John at the event but he was coming on a little too strong. He had to go to break after that.
Howard asked Denise to demonstrate for them. Gary brought in the kielbasa and she took it down her throat. She said that this one was about 11 inches long. She said that she sprayed it with Whipped Cream to cut back on the taste of the kielbasa.
Howard asked Denise if she can talk with that down her throat. She said she used to be able to but she's lost it since she doesn't practice that much now. Howard had her deep throat it again and got a laugh out of Artie. She took the whole thing down there a second later.
Howard asked Denise how she discovered that she could do it. Denise said she was working in a strip club and was doing that with hot dogs. She said that she once sucked in a hot dog that went all the way down her throat and it ended up popping back up. She demonstrated that quickly and she sucked it in and popped it right back out. Artie sounded impressed.
Howard said that Denise was in Private Parts but then she disappeared. Denise said that she went to prison for a while. She said that her ex-husband had a bad drug problem and she tried to cover it up so her family wouldn't know about it. She quit her job and stayed home to take care of the kids. She said that she was in for about 2 and a half years after being arrested for promoting prostitution.
Denise said that she was hooking to help pay the bills. She said she got a computer and started doing this and then her daughter told on her. She said that her daughter is actually having a baby in December. She was 15 at the time and she was going to therapy at the time and told on her in there.
Denise said she's not sure what she said to the therapist. She said that she had the worst lawyer in the world and doesn't even know what they had on her to throw her in jail. Denise said that she tried to hold back on talking but then they started threatening her. She said that they knew who she was too.
Denise said that she was told that she was going to be able to get off if she just agreed to talk. She agreed to do that and trusted her sister when she told her to just agree to talk. Then she ended getting her shoe laces taken and she knew that she was in trouble. Denise said that she signed a paper that let the cops take her computer. She said that everything was on her computer and they had all of the stuff talking about the Johns and the girls she had working for her.
Denise said that she was living in Asbury Park for a while and she had a whole little brothel going down there. She said that there was a hidden door there that she had that linked to the upstairs apartment. She said that she went down to and found some girls who were working on the street corners and brought them back and put them to work. She said that she was getting about $150 out of a $250 charge for the girls. Denise said that she was doing pretty good down there. She said that the cops were some of her best clients down there.
Denise said that she moved to the Central Jersey area and that's where things went wrong. She said that her ex-husband got really bad and things went downhill.
Denise said that she was doing some of the work herself. She said that she wasn't doing a lot of that but she did have guys who knew who she was and they wanted her to do to them what she does with the kielbasa. She said that she had this one guy who had about 15 inches in his pants who wanted her to do that. She said that he was just a kid.
Howard asked about what happened with the daughter and her revelation. She said that the counselor ended up turning her in because she heard that they were using the same computer and all. Denise said that her daughter tried to take her life because she felt so guilty about what had happened. Denise said that things are good now though.
Denise said that she was hysterical when she went to jail and her husband told her that she just had to accept that she was there and the time would pass quickly. Denise said that he told her to play cards and just go along like it was her regular life. He even suggested that she lick some pussy while she was in there.
Denise said that there was a woman in there that looked kind of manly and she was coming on to her. Denise said that she ended up getting into a fight with one woman and she kicked her ass. That chick came back a few weeks later and told her that she was actually the nicest woman and she apologized to her for doing what she did.
Denise said that a lot of people in jail knew who she was. She said that even the guards treated her pretty well there.
Denise said that she was kind of attacked by the woman who was chasing after her and she actually liked being kissed by that girl. She said that they used to sneak into each other's cells to do stuff with each other. Denise said that she wasn't in a cell because she was trusted woman there. She said that she was running her own little store there and she was making a little money. She said that she was able to get cigarettes and stuff while she was there so they'd come to her to get it.
Denise said that this woman who was in love with her looked like a dude and she as kind of chubby. Denise said that she ended up getting caught when she went up to this chick's cell. She said the guards were announcing her name on the speaker and stuff. She said that they were making love every day when they first started. Denise said that they took the trustee thing away from her and ended up in a cell.
Denise said that she's a squirter so she ruined a lot of bed sheets in the cell. She said that her bunk mate didn't even mind that she was getting it on in her bunk even though she's a squirter. Denise said that the girl was nice and clean and shaved down nicely too.
Denise said that this other woman had been in jail for a really long time and she wanted to help her get out and back into a normal life. Denise said that she started a drug program for the women in jail and she's running meetings all over the place now. She's going to speak to kids and stuff now and she's doing very well. Denise said that they lost contact after the other chick went into treatment and had to go through a black out period. She said that the other woman's sponsor actually told her that it wouldn't be a good thing to get in contact with her. Denise also said that she thought that she had died so she had grieved over that.
Denise said that she learned a lot while she was in jail and she became a paralegal and studied some other stuff. She said that she actually had a blast in jail and learned she can make the best of any situation.
Denise said that she's with a guy now who has been her best friend for about 20 years now. She said they're going to get married.
Denise talked about a home made dildo that they made in jail and how she was getting it on with the women in one wing at this jail and she was having so much fun doing it. Howard said it sounds like she was having more fun than he's having. Denise said that she learned how to tattoo and how to make the dildo. She said that the dildo was made of a tooth brush case and some tampons with an ace bandage holding it on like a strap on.
Denise said that she learned what her self worth really was while she was in jail. Howard said it sounds like she was like McGyver in there with the dildo story. Denise said that she had a very full life while she was gone.
Howard asked Denise about the bachelor parties that she's back to doing. Denise said that's a legit job and she's not doing any prostitution anymore. She said that she does a lot of fetish stuff now at these things. She said that she did this ''toilet training'' thing where she shit in the toilet and the guy bobbed in the toilet like he was bobbing for apples. She said that she was at her house and the guy came over to do it there. She said that she spoke to him on the phone and got to know him through that. She got a pretty good sense of him by doing that.
Denise said that some guys like to watch shit coming out of women by doing this Pittsburgh Platter thing where she shits on a glass table. She said that she's been asked to shit on people and she just can't do that. Howard asked about the shitting in the toilet thing and what the guy does. She said that he was eating the shit and it was making her sick. She said that she was laughing while he was doing it though. She said that the guy was getting off on it and had a boner. Denise said that she had one guy who dressed up like a big Everlast punching bag and had the women beat him up.
Denise also talked about how she arm wrestles. She's been doing that for a while now and she lost a few weeks ago when she had to move up a weight class.
Howard said that Richard and Sal say they can deep throat a sausage better than Denise. He had them come in after he gave Denise a plug for her web site TheKielbasaQueen.com. She's also making an appearance at some event that you can find out more about at DamnSam.com.
Sal and Richard came in and said that Doug Goodstein was telling them that they should try to deep throat these things because they're not impressed by what was going on. Doug denied saying that but Sal said that's what happened. Then Richard said that Sal came to him and told him that they were going to deep throat the sausage so he went in.
Richard tried it first and started to puke after 6 inches or so. Sal gave it a try and choked after 3 inches. Howard told Artie he was next but there was no way that was going to happen. Artie asked Denise what it would cost for her to beat the fuck out of him while he's shitting. Denise said that maybe $500. She said that she wouldn't kiss or anything. Artie said that he'd get her number then.
It wasn't clear if Artie was being serious or not. It almost sounded like he was. Artie said that he wants to get beat up while he shits. He said that he would take care of himself after she leaves so it wouldn't be a sexual thing. Howard said he never knew that Artie was into this shit. Artie said that he was into Pipi Longstocking when he was a kid because she could beat guys up. Then Artie said that he was just kidding.
Denise said that she's working on a book and that will be called ''Take Two Kielbasas and Call Me In the Morning. Memoirs of the Kielbasa Queen.'' Artie sarcastically told her it's always great to have 52 words in the title of a book.
Denise said that the event she's doing for DamnSam.com is for the legalization of medical marijuana. She spent a minute on that before Howard had to wrap up and go to break.
Steve said that Sam was also telling them that Ralph is a great house guest and he doesn't like what Howard has been saying about him. Howard said that Sam has talked about how Ralph breaks everything in his house.
Steve said that Eric the Midget is going to be at a photo shoot at his house but he will not be paid for that appearance, just for his expenses.
Jon Hein gave his quick Wrap Up Show preview after that. that led to Howard talking about that guy John who called in and how he had a great wine. He said that he wanted to let him plug his company but he hung up before that happened. He said he could call back in if he wanted to.
Robin read a story about some people at a roulette table at Foxwoods Casino who were speaking in Spanish and thinking that no one understood so they're going to be suing. She had a story about Tori Spelling's mom paying $47 million for a condo in Century City, California. It's 16,500 square feet. Howard said that's like 4 homes to him. They spent a minute on that and then talked about Ebert and Roeper's replacements.
The guys were still talking about the house thing and Artie was thinking of naming his place ''Trouble Hill'' like Eddie Murphy has ''Bubble Hill.'' Howard said he likes that name. He thinks that he should use it because he is going to be trouble out there. Artie said that his neighbors were very nice about him having parties. He said he can't give details about that stuff because it would reveal where he lives.
Robin said that Jon Hein came to her the other day and asked her to tell him about any decent TV shows that he can watch. Everything is reality based stuff. That led to them talking about some of the awful shows that are on now. Howard said he was watching something called Wipe Out where people just get beat up and punched and stuff. Robin said that one is number 7 on the list.
Robin read the ratings for the shows that are getting the biggest ratings and almost all of the shows are reality shows. Robin also had a story about rapper DMX getting into some legal trouble and using a court appointed attorney to defend himself.
Robin had some news about Barack Obama, some people trying to repeal the ''don't ask don't tell'' policy from the military, more Barack Obama news, John McCain, Viagra helping women achieve orgasms, Estelle Getty passing away, Christian Bale's arrest and more.
Robin had Howard playing a clip of Gary Oldman talking about Heath Ledger's death and Artie was surprised to hear that he was British. She had Howard playing a few other clips from some other movies.
Robin also had a story about a 911 call that a woman made after she found her daughter and a friend dead in a ditch. She had Howard play the tape of that call. Howard said that woman sounded like Bobo when he can't get through on the show. Howard said that's actually the sound you hate to hear the most when someone is that upset. He asked Robin not to play anything like that again. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Jon played a clip from the segment where she was taking the stuff down her throat. Gary said that it's still amazing to watch that.
Jon asked Benjy if he was impressed. Benjy said that it was interesting to watch but it's not all that sexy. Gary thinks it is. Benjy said it's interesting to watch but it's not sexy to him. Benjy said that he finds nothing special about it at all. He said he's never been deep throated like that though. He said that he's never wanted it either.
Jon said that Richard and Sal went in during that and there's some controversy about it because Sal was saying that Doug made them do it and Doug is claiming he had nothing to do with it. Gary said he only heard part of it and he's not sure exactly what happened.
Jon said that Richard did okay from that he heard. Benjy said he did pretty good there. Gary changed subjects and talked about the Kielbasa Queen coming on the channel 9 show when Tawny Kittaen was on the show and she was shocked and in awe of what she did.
Jon took some calls and one guy asked Gary about last night's Mets game. Gary said it was kind of crushing when they gave up 6 runs in the 9th inning. They spent a minute talking about the game and going over that.
A caller asked how Jason's fiancee took what they talked about on the show yesterday. Gary said he thinks that she was okay but he's not sure about the rest of the family. They may not have taken that all that well.
Jon said that Jason was in a bit of a funk after the show yesterday but he's welcome to come in and talk about it today if he wants.
Richard and Sal came in to talk about their sausage thing. Gary told him to ask Sal about it because Richard didn't seem to know what was going on. Sal said that he was going to the bathroom and asked Will if he was going in for the bit. He assumed that Richard knew about it. He asked Richard but Richard knew nothing and he explained it to him. Will told them to go in and choke on some sausage so they went in. Sal said he thinks that it was Richie Wilson who told them to go in but Doug is usually the one pushing them into that kind of thing. He said that it was definitely Doug's idea.
Gary said that it sounds like they agreed to do it pretty quick. Sal said he did it because they thought it would be funny. Richard said that if Doug wants them to do something gay they'll do it for the TV show because they don't want to let people down.
Richard said that he went pretty far and he figures that people are going to think that he's done it before. Will came in and said that he thought they were going to go in and just get all hyped up to beat this chick but they were moping around like they didn't want to do it.
Gary said that Will has a little bit of Stuttering John in him and he pushes people into stuff that he thinks will be good for the show but will embarrass the people doing it. Sal said that Will sets them up for that stuff all the time.
Jon took some more calls from some fans who were saying that Richard has to be gay for taking that 6 inches down his throat. Richard said that he isn't gay though.
Jon said that he had to defend Doug there because he wasn't coming down to do it himself. He said that Doug has backed them up before with stuff that they do on the TV show. Richard said that Howard seems to like that stuff.
The guys were talking about some of the other stuff they've done on the show before. Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Richard is gay and he's fighting with his sexuality all the time. He thinks that it's some kind of truth serum when he does the gay stuff on the air.
Richard was talking about how he's not gay. He said that he does drink a lot and the reason he does that is probably because he never made it real big in the music business and that bothers him a lot. He said that he doesn't like himself as a person and it drives him crazy.
Richard said that he thinks that he just loves to have that buzz while he's drinking. He was trying to figure out what it was that drives him to drink. He said that he does get depressed though when he thinks about that stuff that he mentioned before.
Richard said that he's effected by Richard when he gets upset and it hurts him to see how upset he can get. He said that he lets him know how important he is and how they have to roll with the punches and that calms him down. He said they have to talk each other down all the time with stuff like that.
The guys talked to Sal about his depression about not getting enough attention on the show and things like that. Gary said that Sal and Richard think that they don't get enough all the time and they have their ups and downs about that stuff all the time. He said they need to get some encouragement every few months about that.
Sal and Richard said that they did some interviews down at the recent parade that was going on there last week. Richard talked about one guy that they interviewed who didn't have any feet and he kept asking for more and more money. They didn't want to pay him what he wanted so the guy wanted the tape. They ended up running away from the guy but the guy was able to stand up with his stubby feet and managed to catch up to them even though they were running away. Sal said that they hid behind this truck and the guy was there. Richard said that it was like Friday the 13th with Jason following them and knowing exactly where they were.
Sal said that the guy continued to chase them even while he was on this giant phone from the early 90s and drooling. Richard said that they ran about a mile around corners and stuff and they finally lost him. Sal wasn't able to run for long because of his heart condition.
Benjy said that there are a lot of people out on the street like that who are a mess. Gary said that they kind of cleaned up around there but there are still some areas where there are some homeless people.
Jon asked Richard about how he gets upset about not making it big time like he wanted to. Richards aid that he feels really bad because this guy who was in the band was his best friend and passed away before the band made it really big. He said that the band, Death, is doing pretty good now. He said that they never got to play stadiums and stuff and that's what he was hoping for. Jon said that Richard came close to being at that point though. Richard said that it wasn't even about the money, it was about making great music. He said that he can't write music that well and it's so magical to be able to write a song that millions of people can enjoy. He wishes that he had that kind of talent and was one of those people.
Richard said that he doesn't believe in an afterlife but you can create your own afterlife if you make a name for yourself like John Lennon and people like that have done. He thinks that Lennon will be remembered forever. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Jon spent another few seconds talking about football before moving on. Sal said that he knows about football but he didn't want to hear it on this show. He said he knows about the Cowboys and threw out a couple of names. He said he knew the coach's name and stuff like that.
Jon moved on to talk about the stuff that Howard and Robin were talking about today. He had Teddy play a clip of Howard talking about how angry Robin used to be at him at NBC. After the clip Jon asked Gary if it was really that bad back then. Gary said that it was because Robin would get into these funks that effected everyone at work.
Gary said that he was very young back then and he wasn't all that sure if he could get fired. He said that Robin would get moody and he wasn't sure what would trigger it. He said that she'd tell him he did something wrong and he never knew why it was so bad. He said that he went to work one morning and Fred warned him that she was going off on him in her booth. Gary said he went in and ended up standing up for himself in the meeting. He told Howard that he didn't know what he did wrong and Howard ended up walking out of the meeting. He said that was a really heavy thing for him.
Gary said that they were going to be doing shows out in L.A. and they had to have their papers sent to them as soon as they could. He said he got copies of that morning's papers and brought them to Robin. She ended up throwing them on the floor and told them they were good for nothing. They were a day late so Robin found them useless. He said that he didn't have any luck finding a current paper so that's the best he could do at the time.
Gary said that Robin wasn't like that all the time. You just never knew when that Robin was going to rear it's ugly head. He said that they would just put their heads down and go on with their lives. He said that it's almost like having an alcoholic parent that you just deal with and ignore.
Benjy asked Gary if Robin ever got anyone fired. Gary said he's not sure but he thinks that she tried to get him fired. He said he thinks that she really wanted him gone.
Gary said that he hasn't seen Robin's outbursts in ages and she really has changed. He said that she had gone to a mental health seminar and that was a big breakthrough for her. He said that Robin called him one day during vacation time and she told him that she thought he was an amazing producer and told him he does an amazing job. She told him that she loved him and Gary said he paused and didn't know what to say and just said ''ahhh... okay'' to her. She started laughing and told him that she was dealing with a lot of issues she had.
Jon asked the guys what they think about Robin and if she's really dealing with things the way she says. Gary said he's not sure that the issues come up as often anymore.
Jon asked Richard if he was aware that Robin had those exhibitionist tendencies she was talking about. Richard said he did know because he read her book and she talked about how she had the urge to rip open her shirt and flash guys. She was thinking about that when she was going through all of those problems. Gary said that Jackie used to think that Robin made up a lot of that stuff for the book and he used to call her book ''Quivers: A Lie'' instead of ''Quivers: A Life.''
The guys were trying to figure out if Robin revealed the stuff about her father before or after the book came out. Sal said he thought it was before because he remembers looking forward to reading about it in the book.
A caller asked why the guys think that Robin is such a big part of the show. He said that she just reads the paper. Gary said that she contributes more than that and she is a big part of the show. The guy said that if she was part of the show she would make appearances. Gary said that's not true, she doesn't want to make appearances but she is wanted for that kind of stuff.
The caller was also saying that Artie overreacted to that guy Pete from Pittsburgh this morning. The guy said that Artie should have just spoken to the guy instead of coming out swinging the way he did. They argued with that guy for a short time but it was the end of the show so they had to hang up on him. Everyone got in their plugs as they ended it.
Howard started off the show trying to talk over the music that was playing. Howard asked Fred to leave it alone so he could adjust it. Fred ended up telling Robin to leave it alone because he's capable of doing it himself. She was the one who complained about how loud it was over Howard's voice.
Howard said that they have a big show today as every day is a big show. He said they're all about having fun, like Scoresman. He said that they're about meeting girls, about meeting guys and more. That led to Fred playing the clip of Ronnie, as Scoresman, talking about all of that stuff.
Howard said it's amazing that Ronnie refers to himself as Scoresman in that clip. He said that he's all about having fun and about meeting girls and about meeting guys. Howard thinks that he was talking about what a social butterfly he became after becoming Scoresman.
Ronnie came in a short time later and asked what he did now. Robin said that she's noticing the shirts that he's wearing now. He's not wearing the mock turtlenecks anymore. Howard thinks that someone said something to him and that's why he changed but Ronnie said that's not the case. He said that it's just very warm in the summertime to wear them.
Ronnie said that when it got to be 100 degrees he had to stop wearing them. He said that he really doesn't give a shit about what people say to him and that's not why he stopped. Howard said he kind of misses them. Ronnie said he'll start wearing them again then.
Ronnie said that Tom got upset that he was wearing those shirts so he has about 25 dress shirts now. Howard agreed with Tom and said that he really did have to dress up a little nicer over there. He said that sometimes Ronnie would show up like ''Rock and Roll Ronnie'' and not be wearing something that fit in the corporate world.
Howard said that Ronnie is looking kind of odd today with his pants pulled up so high. Fred said he had that Ed Grimley look today.
Howard said that Ronnie likes showing off that Bots tattoo. That's his dog that died. That led to Fred playing the ''Scoresman! Got a tattoo!'' audio clip and a prank call the guys made to a tattoo shop using that clip and some other Scoresman clips.
Howard said that Ronnie was a married man when he became Scoresman and when you hear him yelling all of that stuff, you think about who he was really yelling at. He also talked about how Ronnie seems to be very Italian even though he's a Jew. Fred did his impression of Ronnie and goofed on him as if he were really trying to be Italian. Ronnie said he's really not trying to be Italian.
Howard asked Ronnie how many t-shirts he owns with skulls on them. Ronnie said he's got about 25 or so. Howard said he thinks it's more like 50. He said that's Ronnie's thing and that's what he likes on his t-shirt. Ronnie said he just likes skulls. He said that he got a shirt at K-Rock that was in the glom box. He said it said ''born to kill'' on it and he really likes it. He said that Richie Wilson still likes to talk about that shirt and that's where he got the skull that he had tattooed on his arm. He didn't get ''Born to Kill'' put on his arm though.
Howard asked Ronnie if he still wears that shirt. Ronnie said that it's kind of worn out with holes under the arms but he'll bring it in sometime to show it. Robin said they should have Ronnie come in and do a fashion show in those shirts. Howard seemed to like that idea. Ronnie said that he would do it too.
Artie said that with women it's not that tough to pick out the Jews but with men it can be. Ronnie said that he's never recognized as a Jew. He said he went to a catholic funeral one time and this friend's mother had died. He said that he had no idea what to do there. He saw that they were all getting communion so he went up and took it. He had no clue what that was about though. Artie said that he thinks that you're not allowed to do that so he might be stuck to an eternity in hell.
Howard had a picture of Ronnie in Las Vegas with one of those skull shirts on. Ronnie said he's changed his look since then. Howard told him he does look scary in that picture.
Howard played another prank call where they had Ronnie audio clips call an 82 year old woman asking her to come up to the studio to ride the Sybian and to get topless. She refused and cursed him out.
Ronnie asked where all of this came from this morning. Howard explained to him how it came up and went through the Scoresman clip again. Ronnie told the guys that all of that was scripted and written by Isaac when he was still there.
Howard said that he had a couple of games about Ronnie that they could play. They had one that was ''Who's Taller'' where you have to guess who is taller, Ronnie or someone else. Ronnie figured that was Sal's game but Gary said it was actually Richard who came up with these.
Howard said he was going to give Ass Napkin Ed 5 of these names and he had to get 3 out of the 5 right. Ed was saying that his phone had fallen into his shit bucket one time and he had to let it dry out for a couple of days to dry.
Gary said that they measured Ronnie on the air and he's 5'7 1/2'' tall. Ronnie said his driver's license says it's 5'8'' but he'll take it anyway. Gary gave the first celebrity and it was Minnie Driver vs. Ronnie. Ass Napkin Ed guessed it was Minnie who was taller. He was right, she's 5'10'' tall.
Gary gave the next name which was Hillary Clinton. Ed said that he thinks that Ronnie is taller. Howard said he agrees with him on that one. They were wrong, Hillary is 5'8 1/2'' tall. Howard said he didn't realize how small Ronnie really was. He said that he's smaller than a woman. Ronnie asked him what the fuck his problem was and why he was looking at him the way he was. Ronnie said that he didn't let Artie get to Teddy when he went after him. Artie said that he just took Teddy out of there, he didn't really do anything.
Howard had Gary give the next name. It was Mariah Carey. Ed guessed that Mariah was taller than Ronnie. Howard said that she is pretty tall. Artie said he thinks that she's short. She's 5'9'' tall. Ed had guessed that she was taller and got that one right.
Howard said that Mariah is really an awful dresser. He said that she used to have Tommy Mitolla to advise her on what she was wearing but now she doesn't and she looks awful. Gary said that she does wear some awful stuff and wears a lot of those dresses with holes in the middle of them.
Howard said that Tommy was doing her a favor and she should have taken his advice instead of complaining about it. Ronnie said that maybe he needs that himself. That led to Artie asking ''What kind of a fag needs another dude to dress him?'' Ronnie got the joke a few seconds later and laughed when he realized Artie was goofing on Howard.
Gary gave the next name which was Katie Holmes. She's taller than Tom Cruise so Robin blurted that out. Howard said that she actually is huge. Howard said that she has to be taller than Ronnie. Ed said that he knows that Tom Cruise is 5'7'' tall. The guys talked about Katie for a short time. Gary said that she's 5'9'' tall.
Robin said that she saw her in a restaurant with Tom Cruise and it is a very odd sight. Artie compared that odd height difference to Dudley Moore and Susan Anton. Howard said that Susan Anton was really hot.
The guys talked about some other celebrities and brought up that Ashley Dupre prostitute chick. She was out with some rich dude recently and they had a picture of her in the paper. She was wearing little hot pants and Howard said that she's such a whore. Howard said that Ashley is a hot little package even though her face is just okay. Artie said that he wants to get her to his house at the shore. He said that he'd have $4500 for her to come down there.
Artie said he heard that she has a beautiful vagina and it's like a work of art. Howard wondered who even looks at that. Artie said that the guy who described it must have. Howard said that's the kind of girl that you don't even warn about cumming in their mouth. Howard said he'd love to tell people about the women he's done that to. Artie asked if the woman that he knows is one of them that he surprised. Howard said that he actually warned that one.
Howard said there was an article in the paper about Elliot Spitzer liking to wear socks when he has sex. He even wears black socks to the gym when he works out and they had a story about that in the paper.
Artie said that he really wants to get that chick to come out to his house. Ronnie thinks that he could make it happen.
Howard congratulated Ass Napkin Ed on his win. Ed said he needed that money because he's broke. Then he said that he's going to use the money to see Artie's comedy show. Artie said that he'll get him into the show at Foxwoods because he'll get him in free there. Ed was going to go see him at Levy's Comedy Club but Artie told him to go to this other show instead.
Howard said that the white man must run the place. Artie said that is the way it goes but they get their cut of the money.
Artie said that he's doing a show for Bob Levy's comedy club on August 8th. He said that Levy called him up and asked him to do this favor for him. He just wanted to be down at his shore house and just do the Foxwoods show that weekend. He said that Bob asked him to do the favor. He agreed to do it because Bob was saying that they haven't sold out since the last time he did it. He said that they were going to close Bob's club if they didn't pick up the business.
Artie said that this club is at a Ramada Inn out in Levittown, Pennsylvania. He said that he doesn't want to do the show so bad that he's going to call the club guy and just pay him. He said that he will offer to do a free show in September or offer him money so he doesn't have to do the show. He said he can't say no to Bob so that's how he got mixed up in this.
Howard told Artie that he shouldn't be allowed to make dates like that and everything should go through his agent. He said that everyone has to call Artie's' manager. Artie said that he can't do that to Bob. He told Howard that he did the club once and Bob needs his help.
Artie said that no one owes anyone else a favor. Howard told him that he should just tell Bob no and back out of it now. Howard said that they're playing Artie and he can't let that happen. He said that Bob is pressuring him into doing something that he shouldn't. Howard said that it's not even Bob's room, it's a conference room at a hotel.
Artie said that he's sorry he brought this up on the air. He said that he knows that Howard can relate to how much you don't want to leave a vacation house. He said that's why he brought that up. Howard said that this is crazy and he has to talk to him later about it.
Robin said that when Bob said he was opening a club all of the comedians he knows said ''Oh no'' because they knew this kind of thing was going to happen. Artie said that Bob is hurting for money so he has to do this for him.
Howard said that Bob is a great guy. He said that if he wants his club to survive, he has to figure out something other than getting Artie Lange down there. That led to Howard playing a song parody, ''Artie's a Fat Fuck,'' that Bob sent in about Artie. Artie heard that and said that he has to call him and cancel after hearing that. They goofed on that song parody adn on Bob for a short time.
Howard said that he knows a few black people too and rattled off some of those names. He mentioned a black chick and Robin didn't believe that he actually had that number in there. Artie said he has a black hooker's number in his phone.
Howard went through his numbers and found a number for a former housekeeper who was black. He scanned some other numbers and said that his mother should be in there too. That led to Howard talking about a woman he knew who would date black guys and not black guys like Barack Obama. Artie asked if they were like Ol' Dirty Bastard. Howard said that's exactly what they were like. She was a white chick and her parents were so freaked out. He said that he had a friend who had kind of frizzy hair like an afro and she started to date him because he looked kind of black because of that. That chick ended up cheating on that guy with a black guy and she was only with him to make her parents feel better. Howard said that it must be some kind of fetish that people have.
Howard told another story about a guy who wanted Asian pussy and no other type of women. He would only date Asian women. Artie said that his driver, Herb, is a black guy so he has his number in his phone. He said that his girlfriend is supposed to teach him how to use a computer.
Howard looked through more numbers in his phone and tried to find more black people. He had Christie Brinkley's number in there. Howard named a bunch of names in there but they were mostly white people. He wished David Spade a happy birthday when he came across his number. Robin asked if he's a father yet. Artie said that from what he's heard he isn't one yet but it's coming up.
Howard said he was coming up empty in this game. He wasn't able to find any more black names. He asked the guys if they were playing the game as he was going along. Artie said that he didn't have them in his phone but he does have their numbers.
Artie said that Carl Banks of the Giants almost gave him his number the other day. He said that he gave him his agent's number. Howard said that he has Stevie Wonder's number somewhere. It is his personal number but it's not in his phone. He said he has Rebecca Romijn's number. Artie said that he had a lot of numbers when he was on MAD TV.
Howard said he just found his second black number for Robin Givens. He kept looking but he wasn't coming up with anything else. Robin looked through her phone while Howard was going through his. He said he was halfway through and still only had 2 numbers. He said that maybe they were filed under B for black.
Artie said that he has Jerry Miner's number and he's a black guy. Robin said that he doesn't have any of those numbers in his phone so they can't verify that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked when they're going to get a real Miss Black Howard Stern. Howard said they have one. Howard asked the guy for his number since he was a black guy.
Bobo called in and said that the guy who wrote that Howard was married when he met Beth actually printed a retraction on his web site. Howard said that it turns out that guy is a pretty nice guy. Howard said that the guy did his research and found that he was just separated from his wife at the time and the guy corrected his mistake.
Bobo said that the guy did correct it and read off what he said about it. Howard said that he didn't leave his wife for another woman, he had already been separated from his wife for a year when he met Beth.
Howard had Eric the Midget on the phone to talk about Steve Langford giving the wrong information again. He said that Steve said that Steve said that they're doing a photo shoot next week and they're not even done picking the 12 girls to shoot yet. He said that they like Miss black Howard Stern there at the JFSC.
Howard was telling Lisa that she's better looking than her sisters. Lisa said that she doesn't even think about that with her sisters.
Lisa said that she spoke to Pete from Pittsburgh yesterday and he's not going to let up on Artie anytime soon. She said that he would probably attack Artie if he saw him in person. Howard said that Artie is thinking about paying SIRIUS for his subscription just to get rid of that guy.
Howard said that he heard from a lot of people about the merger going through yesterday but it turns out it hasn't gone through yet. He said that he got very incensed when he read about how some of the commissioners on the FCC were voting against it. The two that did were Democrats and that pissed him off. He said that the Department of Justice has said that it's not a monopoly so it should just go through. He cut himself off and said that he won't get into that now.
Howard said that he assumed that it was a done deal but now it turns out it's just an insider saying that it ''may'' be approved. He said that he's not sure why everyone thinks that it's gone through. He said that it hasn't been approved yet.
Howard said that he got so crazy over the whole thing that he called his agent and told him he's never voting Democrat again. He said that he vowed that he will never vote for one ever again no mater who they are. He said that even if God was a Democrat he wouldn't vote for him. He said that Democrats are like communists. He said that it's crazy how things are going.
Howard said his agent straightened him out and pointed out that the Republicans could stop the right to have abortions. Howard said that his daughters will never have sex and they will never have to get an abortion. He said that Don did get him calmed down though. He said that the article claims that it's just a tentative approval and it's not official yet. Howard quickly read some of the article that he had and they say that they'd have to be fined $20 million to get the approval. Howard said that
Howard said that if this woman is the one who makes that deciding vote then he has to praise her. He said that this whole thing has driven him nuts. He doesn't get how any human being can vote against something like this merger. Lisa asked him how he's going to celebrate. Howard said he will let her know if it ever goes through. Howard said that it may involve Lisa's sisters. Howard said he's going to give Lisa's whole family Sybian rides.
Howard said he's not going to celebrate until he sees this merger actually go through. Howard did his Scoresman impression and talked about what he's all about before he had Lisa get back to her news.
Lisa said that she spoke to Shanghai Kate who is willing to fly back to do the B tattoo on Howard's finger for his wedding. She was even willing to do that during the wedding if he wanted. Howard said that he'd want her full attention on him and not on the wedding so he wouldn't have her do it during the wedding.
Howard said that people keep asking him about getting married and if he's nervous about it. He said that he's been very calm so far but he does wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. Robin asked ''what other side?'' Howard yelled ''The other side of the fence!'' He went on to say that he has this great friend in his life and she's always there for him.
Howard said that Robin knew him better than even he knew himself and she knew that he would settle down and get married again. He said that he likes the idea that Beth is on his side in his life. He said that he knows that things aren't going to be the same as they were in the beginning. He said that after 8 years of making out with him can't be easy for Beth.
Robin said that things do change and she's hoping that Howard doesn't run the moment that things don't look cool to him. Howard said that could happen but he has a record of hanging in there with people, including Robin. He and Robin talked about some of the tough times that they've gone through. Howard said that he worries about Robin because she had to learn how to blow a guy by watching a tape.
Howard told Robin that a guy likes when a woman just kisses and licks before going up and down on a guy. He apologized to Lisa for bringing that up. He told her that she'll experience that one of these days when she finally meets a guy. Lisa asked Howard how they keep the passion in their relationship. Howard said he just likes who Beth is and she keeps him satisfied.
Artie said that Howard isn't giving up watching Football or anything like that on the weekends so that's great for a relationship. He said that he does stuff by himself and doesn't have guys tugging at him or saying that he's ''so whipped.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he can't be getting a B tattoo on his finger because it's such a celebrity thing to do. He said that if Jason or Will did something like that, Howard would be goofing on them. The guy said that the B is going to end up standing for Babies and not for Beth. Howard said that if they break up it'll stand for ''bitch.''
Artie said that Dave Attell has a joke about how he fixed a tattoo he had that said ''I Love Men'' to ''I Love Menudo.''
Howard said that he doesn't care if people think that his tattoo is gay. He said he agrees that it's kind of gay but he doesn't care. Ralph called in and said he agrees with that caller and he thinks that it is kind of dopey to get a tattoo instead of a ring. Howard said that he would rather have a ring tattoo than a giant Iron Man standee in his apartment. Ralph said that they have a bust of Iron Man coming out that has it's eyes light up. He said it's like $800.
Howard said that Ralph has a lot of weird stuff in his apartment. He said that he has stuff like that but he doesn't put it in his apartment. Howard told Ralph that he's like 50 years old and he's still collecting that stuff. Ralph said that he's 42. Howard said there's no way he's 42.
Ronnie said that Will and Jason are having a bachelor party next month. They're doing it as a pair. Howard said that Beth isn't having anything either. He said that she doesn't want it. Ronnie said that he should come out and hang out with his friends one night. Artie said that this is what he was talking about with the friends bothering you about that stuff.
Ronnie started to go off on Sal about the clothes he was wearing and told him to go put on a real shirt. Sal and Ronnie went off on each other about a few things. Ronnie said that Sal is just jealous that he doesn't get to spend as much time with Howard as he does.
Howard said that maybe he will hang out one night but he doesn't want a bachelor party. Ronnie said that Sal won't be there so he doesn't have to worry. Ronnie said that Sal has been going to lunch at Rick's lately. Sal told Ronnie he's a scumbag. Sal said he can't even afford a happy meal so he can't go to Rick's.
Sal said that he went to Rick's to do an interview with a magazine. He said that some friends came into town and he had them over there to have lunch. He said that he was just giving his friends a tour of the city and that's where he brought them. Sal said their food is amazing there too.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he thinks Howard should have a party. That led to Howard talking about how Dominic is probably going to be an asshole at the wedding and he'll make a speech that he thinks is funny but isn't.
Artie said that one night Dominic tried to make a speech at an event they were at. Artie said that he had already done his thing and then Dominic bombed and called him back up to do another speech to save him.
Howard and Sal got into the discussion about why Sal won't be at his wedding. Sal said that Howard gets the story wrong all the time so he wanted to explain it again. He told Howard the story about how he screwed up and told that joke twice on stage about Beth and he and Beth made up. He said that he wasn't doing the joke all the time. Howard said that Sal was lying about that and he just swore on his kids about something they proved him wrong about already.
Howard told Sal that all of the guys are going but he isn't. Sal said that he knows but that joke was a good one and he screwed up.
Artie asked Howard if he'd come down to his place to play poker with Sam Simon and some other guys. Howard said he doesn't want a party but he would play Poker.
Gary came in and told Howard that the guys are all saying that Sal's time line is all screwed up. He said that Sal kept using that joke in his act even after he had apologized. Ronnie said that Sal was looking at the floor while he was saying all of that so it looked like he was lying. Howard said that Sal is two faced.
Artie said that Sal claimed there was something that happened at the engagement party. Sal said that Howard was the one who had it wrong about him doing the jokes again after he and Beth made up after the engagement party. Sal said that he's fine with not going to the wedding.
Dominic was trying to say something but Sal was goofing on him about his weight. Dominic said that Sal gets very mean when he fights and brought up the stuff he said about Jason and his mother last week. Ronnie told Sal is a real mess. He told him to get some sunglasses like Artie has so he can pretend to look at Howard and actually look at the floor.
Howard said that there is no happy guy out there who watches piss videos. Sal said that he doesn't hate women, he just likes women who are willing to get pissed on. Dominic asked some more questions but Howard said that Dominic just goes too far and loses it when his calls go to long.
Gary said they had Dominic's speech from this party that Artie was talking about. Howard played the clip where Dominic was talking about the first time Howard and Beth had sex out at his house on Shelter Island. No one was paying any attention to him while he made the speech. Howard did an impression of him and goofed on the story he was telling. Robin said that Dominic should have gotten off the stage after he got one laugh.
Howard said that Dominic was making notes on his napkin during Artie's speech. He said that Dominic can't stand that someone has the spotlight so he had to get up and say something. Sal said that following Artie is like following Led Zeppelin with a ukulele.
Howard said that Artie commanded the room but the room commanded Dominic. Howard played more of the speech and someone yelled out for Dominic to say Beth's last name. He said something that was close but wasn't her last name of Ostrosky. Howard said that Dominic doesn't know anyone's name except for his. He said that he used to hang out with Dominic and some other guys and Dominic wouldn't know anyone's name.
Howard played more of the speech where Dominic asks Artie to get up and help him out with the speech. Artie got up and tried to help. Artie told Howard that he would have gotten off stage about 10 minutes before Dominic did.
Dominic asked if he would prefer that he just stay in the car at the wedding. Howard said that he would prefer that. Sal said that it's really a bummer to hear that a buffoon like that is going to be at his wedding and he won't. Howard said that Sal really hurt Beth and she's not going to want him there. Sal said he knows. He also said that he was looking at the floor because he was feeling sympathetic for himself. Howard said that Sal has no idea what he's saying.
Ronnie told Sal that he can sit in the car outside of the wedding and he'll bring him some food. Artie asked about his breakfast and what was going on with that. Ronnie said it was late because they had a problem with the fax machine at the restaurant. They brought the food in a few seconds later as Fred played some crying baby sound effects. Artie was laughing at that.
Wheels woke up and asked Robin if she would do Playboy and how much she'd want to do it. He was wide awake and said that his nurse had just woken him up. He apologized for falling asleep.
Artie asked Wheels if he has a special lift that lifts him out of the chair so they can evacuate him. He said that the nurse actually does the transfer herself. Artie said that his father had this thing that lifted him up so they could move him around. Artie said his father wasn't able to grip anything but he could move his arms.
Howard asked Robin how much she would charge. Robin said that she wasn't going to give a figure. She said that she has been showing off her body lately but she's not sure she'd do the magazine. She didn't want to give a figure to give Playboy the chance to make that offer. Howard said that they had to go to break before getting to Sean with the funny voice.
Howard played each of the 5 final songs that are going to be in the contest. He played things like Kamina Booey, Blues Brother Booey, Angry Young Booey, Law Booey and Ham Hands Bill's entry. The guys seemed to get the most laughs out of his entry.
Gary said that he had a conversation with the Beck's people about a party they were going to throw and how Bill's song parody might not be the best to play in a club. It wouldn't make much sense to anyone if they didn't hear the show.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Howard TV has been great lately and she wanted to get some of the shoes that the Bowling Beauties had on. She said that she wanted to do that for her husband. Robin asked what she looks like. Howard said that her voice didn't make her sound all that hot. Fred said that her voice makes her sound like a cousin of Blue Iris.
Richie Wilson came in and said that you can get those bowling shoes from StrikingProducts.com.
Howard said that Artie is like a little bird that cries for food until the mother feeds it. He said that the guys are supposed to come in and bring him his food no matter what's going on with the show. He let the woman on the phone go and had the guys bring in the next guest.
Howard said he read that he went to some doctors when he was a kid and they couldn't really figure out what was wrong with him. Sean said that his father died when he was still a little kid and that kind of messed him up. He said that he was traumatized by that. Howard said that they shouldn't have even told him he died, they should have said he just left.
Sean said that he doesn't have a hard time getting girls and he got laid at 15. Howard said that Sean did better than he did.
Howard asked Sean what he does for a living. Sean said that he was kind of upset that Howard didn't ask him to speak at his wedding. He finally did that singing stutter that he has. Sean then said that he does paint repair on cars where he just fixes chips and scuffs and stuff.
Sean is married and said that he did alright with who he got. Artie said that he saw her out in the green room and she was adorable.
Sean talked about having a vasectomy and what they did to him during that procedure. He said that they taped his wang to his stomach before the procedure. Howard said his wouldn't even reach his stomach if they had to do that. He told Howard that the worst part was when the doctor took this gun with novocaine in it and shoots it into your balls. He said that really hurt a lot. He said that he could feel the movement around his balls after that. There just wasn't a lot of pain.
Sean said that he had to wait a week before he could have sex again. He wasn't able to jump for a while after that. Artie said that there's no way Howard would ever do that. Howard said he'd love to know that there's no way he's going to have kids again. Artie said that he would never do it even if he had 11 kids. Howard said that Beth talks about how she would choose to keep a baby if she got pregnant. He figures that's going to be trouble.
Artie said that he had a problem with a chick one time and he told the chick that if she was pregnant that she could do what she wanted and he would prefer that she have the kid. He said that he's not sure he'd want her to get an abortion. Howard said he's just the opposite. Sean said that he has two kids and that's plenty for him.
Howard said that he likes Sean but he's really not Wack Pack material. He said that his speech impediment isn't coming out that much this morning. Artie said that it is funny when it does happen and it was happening a lot in the green room.
Howard kept Sean around to play a game with him. He had another $500 to give away thanks to Man Groomer. He said that this game is called Guess Who is a Scientologist. He told Sean that he had to get 3 out of 5 right to win. Sean was saying that he used to sing for a band and he wouldn't stutter at all but he's not sure why. He apologized for sucking this morning.
Howard got into the game and gave him 3 names. Sean had to guess which one was the Scientologist. The three names were:
Howard said that the was going to make an exception in Sean's case and gave him another shot. He said that he was going to throw the rest of the game out and give him another chance. He gave him:
Howard had the guys bring in Sean's wife Laura so he could see what she looks like. She came in a short time later and Sean mentioned that she used to be Pauly Shore's assistant. Artie said there must be some good stories there.
Howard asked Laura about Pauly Shore and if she ever saw the Playboy chicks coming and going. She said that he didn't bring them home when she was there. She said that he did go to the mansion though. Howard asked if he beat her. Laura joked that he did but she said she was just kidding.
Howard asked Laura why she left that job with Pauly. Laura said that she was actually afraid of Y2K at the time so she left the job. She said that she was living in California at the time and that freaked her out. Artie said that people out there were nuts over that Y2K thing out there. He said that people were really scared that something awful was going to happen.
Laura said that she just wanted to go home and she told Pauly that she had to leave. She said that Pauly told her that she was the best assistant that he ever had. Laura said she was from Massachusetts and she wanted to go home.
Artie said that there are a lot of people who were freaked out by the Y2K thing and they thought that the world was going to end or something.
Laura said that she's kind of worried about the year 2012 because that's when the Mayan calendar ends. She said that she's not sure what's going to happen then.
Howard asked Laura about working for Pauly and what she did for him. She said that she used to shop for him and would read his fan mail and things like that. She said that he got maybe 10 fan mails a day or so. Howard said that Pauly is probably happy that someone is talking about him today.
Laura said that she was probably making like 10 bucks an hour back then. Howard asked her if she ever saw him naked. She said that she didn't but she paused for a second so Howard thought there was more there. She said that she went skinny dipping in his pool one time but Pauly doesn't know that. She said she was there alone and she figured it would be cool to do it so she went right in. Laura said that Pauly never hit on her or anything either.
Howard asked Laura how many guys she had before Sean. She wanted to stop right there and not get into it more. Howard wrapped up with them after that and let them go. Howard thanked him for coming in and said that they were a lovely couple. He said it was kind of cool having Pauly Shore's former assistant in there.
Howard said that he has an assistant and if he found her naked in his pool he'd get kind of upset. He said that you don't know what's going on if they do something like that. Artie said that his assistant is amazing and very organized. He said that she thinks of shit before he does and just makes it happen.
Artie said that he's glad they did that show because he thinks that Corey Feldman really has it together and his wife is a good influence on him. He said that Corey Haim is still struggling with some stuff though. He said that they talk about stuff on the show that's pretty heavy. They talked about someone who was molesting them when they were like 14 years old.
Artie said that it really makes you think about what was going on with those two kids and how messed up it was. Corey Haim used to blame Feldman for not saying something but Haim's therapist told him he can't blame him for something like that. Artie was thinking that maybe they were being molested by Michael Jackson but Howard said that he has spoken to Feldman about that and he's said that he never touched him.
Artie said that he found himself not hating those two after seeing the show. He said that's why he thinks that it was a good thing for them to do.
The guys showed a picture of Corey Feldman's girlfriend in Playboy and the guys sounded impressed by what they saw.
Howard had John the Wine guy on the phone. This is the guy that Howard spoke to at a charity event who was kind of bothering him. John said that he had to thank Howard for giving his analysis of him because his fiancee said that he had him spot on. He said he just wants to be John the Wine Guy from now on and not a stalker. He got in a plug for his web site LiebCellars.com
Howard let John go and got back to the Iran discussion. They spent a few more minutes talking about that country and how they won't let the military fly over them so they have to fly around. Howard said that he would just fly over that country every day and drop the A-bomb on them in any skirmish.
Howard said that Iran wouldn't even exist anymore if he were President. He said that the bomb would solve every problem. He said that they have the ability to drop the bomb right on the head of that wacky President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He said he could even watch them drop that bomb through his TV. Howard said that this is why he's unelectable because he would just be dropping bombs on people like that.
Artie said that they can't elect some guy who is a Yankees fan that would drop a bomb on Fenway Park or something like that. Howard said that he would probably drop bombs on those German guys who were those skimpy little speedo bathing suits. Artie said that they have a picture of Sal wearing one of those when he was a teenager.
Howard joked that Scott DePace wore one of those one time. Scott got on his microphone and told him to get out. Then Howard got the picture of Sal in the speedo and said that it was very weird. The guys all sounded like they were creeped out by it. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said that he was watching a show with The Who doing a show together and Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend hate each other. He said that they had some bands covering some Who songs and one of the guys from the Flaming Lips was in a big ball and rolling out into the audience with it.
Howard said that Pearl Jam was amazing with their song. The Foo Fighters picked an obscure song that was just awful. He said that he loves that band but they didn't pick the right song.
Howard said that the guy in the Flaming Lips is 47 years old and he's just got to stop doing that kind of stuff he was doing.
Howard said that he was watching America's Got Talent the other night and he thinks that they should get rid of the director. He said that they should show the act performing and not show the audience and reaction shots from the judges. He said that it's the number one show but they do a terrible directing job.
Howard said that the Who special was the same way. He said that the directing was horrible in that too. He said that he doesn't know how Roger Daltrey screams the way he does and still has a voice. He said that Pete tries to sing some songs but he just can't do them very well.
Howard said that he had a clip of Paul Stanley yelling at the audience to stop with the laser pointers in his eyes. Howard said that he understands that complaint because that stuff can blind you. He said that the funny thing is that Paul yells at people in his regular voice but then goes into his character voice right after he yells at him.
Howard was wondering what kind of character Paul Stanley is. He thought he was a cat or something. Sal came in and said that Paul is the Star Child. He said that Peter Cris is the Cat.
Howard played the audio of Paul yelling at the guy and then introducing ''Detroit Rock City'' in that character voice. Sal said that the next clip is Paul yelling at the sound guy for turning the lights out accidentally.
Howard played another clip where Paul Stanley was yelling at a guy about a laser pointer and goes into that character voice again.
Ronnie said that he actually took a cookie off the top of the cupcake and scooped it out with that. Steve said that they show Sal sticking his hands on 3 cupcakes and double dipping on more than one. Artie said that all of the wedges were off of one of them yesterday and it was really gross.
Ronnie said that one of the news reporters stood next to him and picked the stuff off of it and ate it. Ronnie said that was Lisa G who did that.
Sal came in and said that he doesn't touch all of those cupcakes. He said that the other cupcakes are picked over by other people. He said he's not the only one doing it. Howard told Sal that it's gross and if you touch a cupcake, you eat it. He told Sal that no one wants to eat a cupcake if it's been touched. Sal said he's not the only one doing it either.
Ronnie said that he's right and Lisa G is another one who does it. Sal said he's seen Gary do it too but then he said that he's not a squealer... even though he had just snitched on Gary. Sal said that he didn't touch the cupcake, he used a cookie from a package to scoop some of the stuff off of the cupcake.
Howard asked Sal if he double dipped. Sal said he didn't do that either so Howard asked him if he would pay $1000 if they proved that he did. Sal said he doesn't have the money. Howard asked Sal to eat Richard's asshole right there on the air if he can prove that he did double dip. Richard said that's punishment for him and he doesn't want Sal doing that. Richard suggested that they go to a hotel room and have him pee in the tub all over Sal. Sal gave him a ''Oh fuck you'' when he heard that.
Steve said that they have a source on this and he has not seen the tape yet. He said that the impeccable source has the tape and that person is the one saying that Sal double dipped. Howard said that it's just wrong to do that.
Sal said that he just left the cupcake in there because he might eat it later. Ronnie said he used to do that with sandwiches before too. He said that he used to pick them up and check them out before he'd eat it.
Howard told Artie to go to sleep because he looked like he was passing out. Artie jokingly said ''the false story is...'' as if he were still playing the Gossip Game.
Eric said that he doesn't want any girls thinking they don't have a shot at getting into the shoot. Howard asked Eric if he dyed his hair again. Eric said that he did that a couple of weeks ago and it wasn't dyed black like Howard thought.
Howard asked Eric who does his hair. Eric said that his mother does it for him. Howard said that he would do his hair if he could. He told Eric that he breaks his heart and he just wants to hug him. He said he wants to hug him and burp him like a little baby.
Howard said that he would make Eric the King on his chess board. He said that maybe he could have Eric sit on his lap like his kids used to do. He said that he would love that. Fred asked if he would dress him up like a little cowboy or something. Howard said he wouldn't do that.
Howard said that Eric just loves life and that's why he breaks his heart. Robin said that his eyebrows are even bigger now than ever. Howard told Eric he loves him and he'd love to pluck his eyebrows. Eric said that if he does love him then he should fire Steve Langford. Howard said he can't do that.
Artie said that he doesn't feel the same way about Eric. Eric said that he didn't care about that fat fuck either. Artie said that he's lucky he's asleep there.
Fred asked Eric if he was Eric or Romeo Blues today. Eric said that he was never Romeo Blues. Howard said that he's lying about that.
Eric wanted Steve to retract his story about the photo shoot. Steve said that he can't retract a story that is true. Fred threw in a ''redrum'' and an ''Ack, Ack'' clip while they were going back and forth. Fred said that Steve has been wrong about a story before but he wasn't sure what the story was. Howard said he had to get out of this and let everyone go.
Eric said that they are still taking applications and casting for this photo shoot. Steve said that Johnny gave them the story so they're going with it. Eric said that they're still taking applications. Steve said he didn't care.
Steve got back to his report and said that KC Armstrong was arrested again for tampering with a car. He was arrested and released but they don't have all the details on that yet. He had a couple of other stories that he went over quickly. Jon Hein came in a short time later and ran through his Wrap Up Show notes.
Mutt from Superfan Roundtable called in with his show preview. They're going to be discussing who the worst Wack Packer is on the show. They're also going to be talking about some of the other wack packers like Cabbie and Elliot Offen. Howard thanked him for that and moved on to Robin's news.
Jason came in and asked if he should move the microphone to his mouth. Howard told him not to get it too close to him. He didn't want him waking him up. Artie was snoring a little bit but it wasn't all that loud. Everyone was being quiet as they were talking and trying not to wake him up.
Howard said that it was hard to tell that Artie was sleeping because he had his sunglasses on. He said he looked over earlier and thought it was like Weekend at Bernie's with him laying there like that.
Gary said that the guys were suggesting that they all leave the studio and change the clock time so he thinks it's like 2 in the afternoon. Artie let out a weird noise around that time. Gary said that Artie makes some weird movements with his hands and will look at you for a second and then go back to sleep.
Fred said that Artie looks like he's in his fourth trimester with that belly hanging out of his shirt. Benjy said that he was going to keep an eye on Artie to make sure he doesn't fall out of his chair. Howard said that Artie was really out. He thought about leaving the studio and changing the clock to like 5 o'clock.
Howard said Artie was stomping his feet and wondered what that was about. Artie kind of woke up around that time and started talking in his sleep. He was mumbling but he had woken up and asked if he fell asleep.
Howard had Artie look at himself on the TV and Artie let out an ''Oh my god'' when he saw the position he was in. Howard told Artie to go sleep in the green room. He said that he worked hard enough today.
Howard asked Artie if he was awake or not. Artie said he was but Howard didn't think he was all there. Howard had the Howard TV guys replay the part where Artie was falling asleep and moving around. Howard said that was his boy right there. Artie said that he wishes that he could fall asleep on a plane like that. He said that maybe he does that sometimes but he's not sure.
Gary told Howard that Sal and Richard were able to isolate Artie's mic when he was talking in his sleep. Howard played that clip and Artie didn't remember actually saying that. It was pretty much unintelligible stuff.
Robin read some more of the comic book characters and the movies that are coming out soon. She had some news about Christian Bale and what went on with his mother and sister.
Howard said that Artie was standing up but he just woke up so he wasn't sure if that was a good thing. Artie said that he just remembered that he has to give a tour to someone this afternoon. Howard told him to have Gary do it then.
Gary said that he heard that Artie had a hole in the wall of his new house. Artie said that he fell. He said he was off that week and he was hanging out at his house until like 1am writing and stuff. He said he went to put his shoes on to go outside and he put his foot up on the chair to tie his shoes and he lost his balance and fell against the wall. He thought he was fine but he cut himself. He said he sat down and saw the hole in the wall later on.
Robin said that Artie is like the Hulk or something because he doesn't know his own strength. Artie said that he has this new rash on him ever since he came home from Afghanistan. Gary said that he has an itch on his whole torso and he thinks he may have gotten that over there.
Howard got the guys back on track and had Robin do the rest of her news. She read some news about a kid's name being changed in New Zealand because he was being tortured by kids in school. Her name was ''Tolula Does The Hoola from Hawaii.'' She gave some other wacky names that they have down there. Howard said that he liked ''Sex Fruit'' which was one of them. Robin said that one was Violence. Howard said that Michael Savage would probably like that one. He pointed out that Savage changed his name from Michael Weiner to Michael Savage.
Robin read a story about cell phones possibly causing brain cancer. That led to the guys talking about other things like deodorant, that they're afraid of. Fred said that he stopped using deodorant that has aluminum in it when he found out that it was in there. Howard said that his has aluminum in it but it works.
Robin said that doctors are warning that even though there's no proven link to cell phones causing brain cancer, they're still advising people not to use them that much. They suggest using a hands free device instead of putting the phone up to your ear. Howard said his kids have the phones at their ears all the time, especially his youngest.
Robin had a story about a phone number that people can call if they want to break up with someone but not in a personal way. Howard said that's lame. He said that he would be a decent enough person to do it face to face. Then he remembered that he may not have done the right thing when he was dating. He said that he put in his calendar book that he was going to see someone one night and the girl he was with saw it. He said that he has been mature about that stuff with other women and did let them know if he was seeing someone else. He said it's the decent and mature thing to do.
Robin said that when you delete text messages from your phone they don't go away and there's something out now that can recover the messages. She had a story about how to beat speeding tickets. She read some of the tips they had for that.
Artie said that one way to avoid tickets is to get a job on the Howard Stern Show. He said he hasn't gotten one in 7 years. Artie said that he and his ''bad cop'' buddy went to Atlantic City one time and they were drinking and doing lines off the dash of their car but when they got pulled over the cops would just let them go.
Robin read a story about columnist Robert Novak hitting someone with his Corvette and driving off. He claimed he didn't know he hit anyone.
Robin had some audio of Barack Obama talking about Iran and how they're going to be a grave threat if they have nuclear weapons. She had Howard play some audio clips of a doctor talking about the cell phone thing that she was talking about earlier.
Robin had a story about Pablo Guzman from a local news crew there in New York. He's been having a tough time lately. Howard said that he likes that guy because he's very ''street'' and does great reports. Robin said he was in a car accident a couple of months ago and then he just had a heart attack when he went back to work.
Robin said that Kelsey Grammer had a heart attack and his new TV show, ''Back to You,'' was canceled. She had some audio of him talking about how he wasn't happy about the cancellation. Howard said that he liked that show and didn't know that it was canceled.
Robin had some news about Amanda Peet being in the new X-Files movie. That led to Howard saying that he won't see it if she's in the movie. He said that if she's in it the movie has to suck. He ended up goofing on her when he played an audio clip where she talked about someone being ''very, very, very, very, very, very funny...'' Howard said that she sounds like a 4 year old. He ended up goofing on her about that for a minute.
Robin read some news about Christine Beranski and had her talking about her first experiences with Abba. When she said ''very'' Howard started doing the Amanda Peet impression again.
Robin asked what's up with their mayor and smoking. Howard said that the guy is trying to educate people about smoking. He said that he's put 500 million of his own money into this thing trying to get people to stop smoking. He said that there are some people out there who make billions and won't give their money to anything. Robin wrapped up and they ended the show around 10:50am.
Benjy asked how many times Gary has done that in all of the time that they've been getting cupcakes. Gary said that maybe twice. Sal was making it sound like it was all the time.
Gary said that if the cupcakes are there at noon, they usually get tossed. He said that's when he took the candy off the top of that one cupcake that one time that Sal saw.
Sal came in and said that he's seen Gary do that numerous times. Gary said that he just hasn't. Sal said that he admitted his guilt already. Gary said that he didn't do that and he's still denying that he double dipped.
Sal said that he usually eats the caramel apple cupcake but that day he didn't take it with him, he just scooped some stuff off of it onto that cookie. Sal had Gary swearing on his kids that he never did that more than twice. Sal said that the definition of double dipping was in question too. He said that he didn't double dip on anything because it never went into his mouth.
Sal said that he took a little icing off with a cookie and now he's being crucified. He said that this is an embarrassment to him. He said that he doesn't get embarrassed kissing another man's taint because that's for the goodness of the show. Gary said that this is for the good of the show too.
Jared Fox, Tim Sabean's assistant, came in and said that he was the source of the footage. He said that Sal went to multiple cupcakes with that cookie and he took tops off of each one. Sal said that was true but he didn't scrape icing. He said that he took a flimsy piece of an Oreo cookie and used that to scrape it off. Ronnie said that Sal is a liar and he's looking at the floor talking about this stuff. Sal went off on Ronnie the way he wasn't looking at him because of those fish tank glasses on his face.
Sal asked what they want him to do, cry over this? He said that he's embarrassed by this and he's not being defensive. He said that the cookies that were sitting on top are what he took off and Jared just reminded him of that. Sal said he grabbed that and then a chocolate chip cookie and scraped some stuff off the caramel apple cupcake. Sal said that he didn't touch the cupcakes with his hands, he just touched them with the cookies.
Ronnie said that Lisa G is doing that too so Sal asked where she was. The guys joked that she was probably out with the cupcakes now.
Jared said that Sal did this with one cupcake and put that cookie in his mouth and then grabbed another cookie and did the same with another cookie. He said that's double dipping in his opinion. Sal said that was probably true but he didn't think that it was double dipping.
Sal and Ronnie went off on each other talking about how filthy the other was. Sal was saying that his hands are cleaner than Ronnie's because he's seen the tramps that Ronnie runs around with. He said that his hands are probably like a petri dish.
Jon asked Jared if it was true that Sal looked around before he did that. Jared said that Sal did the two cookies and then walked away. Then he came back and waited for people to walk away and then scraped the third cupcake. Sal said that he just scraped a cupcake, this is no big deal. Gary told him to take the cupcakes to his office from now on and just eat it there.
Jared said that they had a little bit of a cupcake sting there and he was the one in charge of watching the tape to see what happens.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she's a therapist and she wants to talk to Sal. She said that she is fascinated by his inability to determine what the appropriate boundaries are on the show. Sal said that he knows, he just can't win. He said that he is guilty and he feels stupid about it.
Gary went through the list of the people that Sal has had to apologize to there for screwing up. He had a list about 15 long before Jon stopped him and said that they didn't have to keep going. Sal said that he's a nice guy but Ronnie disagreed and said that he's just a scumbag.
The woman on the phone said that she thinks that Sal is too wacky for his own good. She said that he's the only reason that he didn't get invited to Howard's wedding. She said she wants to sit down with him and find out what the story is there. Gary said he knows the story. He said that Sal doesn't know where the line is and he always crosses it. He said that he doesn't know that he's crossed the line until someone points it out to him.
Sal wanted to know where Lisa was because she did something similar to him. Jon asked her to come down to talk about it but she wasn't around yet.
The therapist told Sal that he's his own worst enemy. She also asked if Gary could give her husband a tour of the studio for his 40th birthday. Gary said he wasn't sure if he could do that or not, he wasn't making any promises. He had her leave her number though.
Sal said that he was looking around the halls there at the cupcakes because he was looking for speakers to hear the show. He couldn't even say that with a straight face. He then said that he never touches any food because he's grossed out by that himself. Ronnie said that he was lying again because he was looking at the floor. Sal told him to shut up because he's like a little dog nipping at his feet.
Gary asked Ronnie what Lisa G did. Ronnie said that she took a Snickers bar off the cupcake and said it was really good. She didn't take the cupcake and just left it there. Sal said that chicks have long fingernails too and that's where germs build up. Sal said that he's going to bring everyone down if he's going down.
Lisa told them that they were all a bunch of sissies. Lisa said that if they all ate the toppings instead of the whole cupcake, they'd all be thinner. She explained how she picked off a piece of a Snicker's bar that was sticking way up and not even on the top of the cupcake.
Sal said that Lisa made contact with the cupcake. She said that it didn't. She said that they're all being babies about this and there are much dirtier things around than their hands on the cupcakes. She said that people don't wash their hands and bank machines are really dirty.
Lisa said that she's not sure why they're concentrating on this when there are people not washing their hands in the bathroom. Lisa said she won't do this again. She said that they shouldn't even have cupcakes there. Gary said that she might as well go down and try to shut down McDonalds while she's at it.
Ralph was going off on Ronnie for going into the studio first thing this morning but Ronnie said he was asked to go in. That led to Jon playing a clip of Ronnie coming in when Howard was talking about him.
Jon asked Ronnie if he feels like he's begin picked on unfairly. Ronnie said it all comes with the show. Ralph and Ronnie ended up arguing for a short time.
Jon asked Ronnie about what he meant when he brought up that Sal has been eating at Rick's lately. Ronnie said that he has been eating there quite a bit. Sal said it's not every day. He's only been there about 3 times in the past year. He said that the food is phenomenal there.
Sal said that Ronnie said it in a way that sounded like he was trying to get him into trouble. Gary said it sounded more like Ronnie was trying to make it sound like he was creepy. Sal said that he went there for business reasons. Gary asked him what business he was going there for. Sal told Gary to mind his own business.
Jon asked Ronnie about the bachelor party discussion and what went wrong there. Gary said that Howard is obviously not into that and he doesn't want to go to a strip club. He said that there may be a part of Howard that wouldn't mind doing it but he thinks that it's not worth doing it.
Jon played a clip of Ronnie telling Howard to go hang out one night. The guys spent a short time talking about the last party that Howard actually attended. It was a bachelor party at the West Side Scores a few years back. They talked about how Valentina Vaughn was there and it had to be at least 3 years ago.
Jon asked Ronnie who was the most disappointed that Howard won't be doing a bachelor party. Ronnie said that everyone is upset and they all want a party. Jon said he was thinking that maybe JD would be the most upset. JD had come in so he said that it was a disappointment for him. He said he's been to 1 or 2 of the events and he enjoyed them.
JD said he thinks that Ronnie is kind of disappointed that there's no party because he'd like to be the man to do it for Howard. Ronnie said he thinks that JD is more disappointed because JD was supposed to be his assistant if they had done the party.
Gary talked about how the girls can gang up on the guys at the strip clubs and they end up blowing all of their funny money really quick.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why they had to throw Lisa into the middle when they get caught doing something. Sal said that he didn't even know that Lisa had done that, Ronnie brought that up, but he thinks that Lisa never gets into stuff on the show. He said that he was surprised that she actually showed up in there today. Gary said he thinks that Ronnie is like that third grade kid with the cute girl in front of him and he's grabbing her pony tails.
Sal said that he's kind of into Lisa these days and he's sick of implants. He said that he's liking the natural look these days. He said that Lisa is well kept and he'd toss her one. Jon had to go to break after that.
Benjy said he started going around 2000 and the parties would get wilder after Howard left. Ralph said he didn't remember that but the girls were really hot and super friendly back then.
Jon asked the guys about the game they played with the black people on their cell phones. Ralph said that he's proud to say that he doesn't have any on his phone. Sal said that Ralph sent him a note during that segment and bragged that he was glad he didn't have any in his phone or in his life. Ralph said he was just messing around with Sal when he did that.
Gary said that he didn't find any black guys until he got to the letter N with Nile Rogers. The guys were goofing on him as if he had them listed under the N-word.
A caller asked what they think would happen if Howard decided to leave and if they would be offered jobs there. Gary said that he doesn't think that there's a way to win if Howard leaves and they stay to do their own shows. Gary said that he can imagine people calling in to tell him how much he sucks every day. He said that if Howard leaves he can't imagine that things would ever be better than what they're doing now.
Another caller said he's not usually a fan of Artie falling asleep on the show but today he thought it was funny when Howard realized he was already asleep. He said it's fun to hear them coming up with things to mess with Artie.
Jon asked Benjy what he thinks about that. Benjy said that he finds it hard to believe that Artie is actually able to fall asleep like that. Benjy said that he's not sure if he's just playing along or if he's really doing it. He kept saying that he wasn't sure about it but everyone else thought that he was really falling asleep like that. Benjy said he can't tell and Artie is a good actor.
Another caller said that she thinks that Artie needs a life coach and he needs to get his act together. The guy spent a few seconds on that but they had to end the show.